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A friend of mine was just complaining about how she was “adulting hard” this year — spending multiple thousands of dollars on new tires and new shutters while saving money for her kid's braces and some siding projects. I mean: ouch.:
It made me think about the recent article in The Cut, “Does Anyone Feel Like an Actual Adult?”, which was mostly about feeling like a fake amongst other parents but had so many good turns of phrases it's stuck in my head. Is adulthood a mirage? Are we all just cosplaying adulthood, wearing “grownup costumes” as one person put it?
I also saw a great TikTok recently that was really just a lady drinking wine as cute music plays, while this message stays on the screen: “me thinking about how the girlies born in 1995 are now 28 and how I was born in 1982 and I am also 28.”
YES! All of this! Times a thousand!
I've seen a lot of thinkpieces (fine, probably TikToks) about how Gen X is doing adulthood differently, with a lot being written about how J.Lo is the same age now as Rue McClanahan when she played Blanche in The Golden Girls.
So this is all a weird way of asking: Readers, do you feel like actual adults, or like you're still in some earlier period of your life (à la your late 20s or early 30s)? What are the biggest things that make you feel younger than you are — and what are the biggest things that, like my friend, make you feel like you're “adulting hard”?
Stock photo via Pexels / Диана Дунаева.
anon
I’m 43. I have kids and aging parents. I feel like the adultiest of adults most days. If anything, I need to remember what actually sparks joy for me so maybe I can be more lighthearted.
Seafinch
Same! Five kids that run a baby to a teenager and aging parents. I used to joke I was born middle aged but I REALLY there now!
EB
Nothing like having kids to fling you into adulthood. And then for those kids to move into elementary school for it to solidify that there’s no going back. I don’t always feel this way, but I was melancholy this weekend over how little time to myself I have. I used to live for the weekend, now I live for the workweek so I can do something besides be a parent. I have hobbies, and my live doesn’t revolve around my kids, but it always comes back to that. There’s no escaping the bedtime routine, in other words. Sorry for being such a downer! But yes, I’m late 30s and absolutely feel like an adult and miss the days when I didn’t. Maybe one day when we climb out of the trenches?
Anonymous
I’m 32 with a law career and a mortgage. I think the majority of the time I feel like an adult in that I pay my own bill and provide for my family, but my version of adulthood is a lot different than adulthood of earlier generations. Fashions for women my age overlap a lot with the fashions of younger generations, many people my age (myself included) are choosing not to have children, and its so much harder to buy property than it was before. Many of my peers work in careers where they can wear jeans and a tee to work, or in areas like tech or gaming that just seem less “adult” than law or finance or business. So the “house with a picket fence, two children, and a job that requires a suit and tie” idea of adulthood isn’t seen as often amongst my age group. I’m a young adult, but I’m still an adult.
When I don’t feel like an adult, it arises in one of two situations: 1) when I’m faced with someone who has more of the traditional markers of adulthood than I do, or 2) when an older adult, especially one of my parents’ generation, behaves in a way that indicates that they don’t see me as an adult. For the first situation, I work with clients who have a lot of financial and business success, who have personal and professional accolades, etc., and I sometimes think “who am I to give them legal advice or guidance when they clearly have so much more life experience than I do?” For the second situation, that arises most often when I get comments about how I should have children or that I’ll understand something when I get older. This is more common in social settings but it has arisen every once in a while in a professional setting.
Anon for this
Some of my “wait, I’m how old now?” moments come from hearing how others perceive me when they don’t think I’m aware — like hearing a contractor for renovations on the phone saying “oh let me check with the owner” or hearing from a work friend that a new hire wanted to ask the best way to approach me about something since I was senior. The blur of Covid years didn’t help. It feels like I just turned 34 like, a year ago, only to be looking at 41 coming up.
MaybeAdult
It’s a mix for me. I’m in my 40s, single and without kids, but with aging parents. When I don’t feel like an adult, it’s related to imposter syndrome at work or at home. I was recently promoted and have a bit of a feeling like “there’s should be an adult in this room – oh, wait, that’s me!” Then at home it’s more like “How do other people manage their water heater maintenance on top of everything else?” My body helps remind me that I’m aging, but not necessarily that I’m “an adult.”
I see this more with the older adults in my life, though. My mom retired at 76 and she’s trying to decide what “useful” thing she’s going to do next. That’s impressive, but I also want her to have fun with whatever years she has left, which sounds rude. But it’s amazing to me that she’s acting like she has unlimited time at 76. A former boss who retired says that she looks in the mirror and is surprised to find this old person looking back because she feels like she’s still in her 30s or 40s!
Anonymous
My mom used to say the same thing – that she didn’t feel any older on the inside than her 20 or 30-something self and then she looked in the mirror and saw an old lady staring back!
I have not hit some of the traditional “adulthood” markers (no kids, not married) but I have lost both of my parents which felt like a rude introduction to adulthood and just generally led to a melancholy sense of being “untethered,” so I would say that on balance I feel like an adult. The nuclear family of my youth is gone.
Chl
I feel like charging cords are taking over my life. We’ve got phones and iPads and a kindle and various other power sucking devices with all kinds of different plugs. We have a command center place in our kitchen where I could potentially put a station for all these things but I’m not totally sure how. Does anyone have a set up they like? Do you have a special device or do you just better organize all the cords? Help!!
Cat
Wireless charging pads. That makes all our phones, Airpods, and iPads interchangeable since you can plop any of them on the pad and it works.
Kindles hold their charge so long that we don’t keep the cord out. Once every few weeks we get it out and juice them up.
NY CPA
I have these things called Gear Ties that are basically silicone coated twist ties that I use to keep cords wrapped up neatly. Plug them all in on a power strip, and then keep the cords tidy, and I’d say that’s the best I can hope for.
NY CPA
They make great stocking stuffers! https://www.amazon.com/Nite-Ize-Original-Reusable-Assorted/dp/B004MMEHKG/ref=asc_df_B004MMEHKG/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=216531775325&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=9370998346846123719&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9060354&hvtargid=pla-348418282982&mcid=41b79235642e38b0918c4b9d61f8514a&gclid=CjwKCAiAg9urBhB_EiwAgw88mfEVfOKKgXgFSlqd5WuM0vjEky11VlrF6UxL_Yf_RES8TCRI_an1dxoC8aUQAvD_BwE&th=1
anon
Oooh. Adding to DH’s stocking!
Anon
I was at a funeral this week and it was mentioned that you only start to feel like a true adult when you are orphaned. This was said to the 60+ child of the 91 year old who died. I sort of agree with that. I’m 35 with a husband, two kids, big job, etc. Yet I still often call my mom when I’m faced with a major decision.
Anon
I agree with this. I was unfortunately orphaned in my 30s (also unmarried), and having to make every single decision and take every single action by yourself makes you feel very grown all of a sudden.
JTM
I lost my mom a few months ago (and am no contact with my father), and it definitely feels true for me. Having to handle my mother’s estate and be the “grown up” amongst my siblings is hard.
Anon
Feels like cosplay. I’m 35 now, a baby is on the way, I’m in elder care situations, and I still feel that I don’t look or necessarily act like a real adult. I should probably dress better.
Ses
I’ve felt like an adult my whole adult life, but that’s probably because I’ve paid all my own bills and other expenses since the end of high school.
I think part of adulthood is feeling like “the buck stops here” in terms of responsibility for yourself and your life.
MaybeAdult
I’ve been successful in that I “launched well” and have been financially independent and on my own for a lot of my life. When it came to deciding about a divorce I did that on my own (with help from a therapist and friends) and not my parents. I’ve felt responsible for myself and my life, but the “feeling like a competent or fully formed adult” was something I expected to just feel one day. Maybe some people don’t get that feeling, or it doesn’t matter because we’re doing the things anyway! Recently realized that my parents may not have felt “adult enough” either!
Anon
My father was disgustingly infantalising, so I’m working on feeling “like an adult” at 40+. A lot of it is understanding that people in my life have punished me for maturity, and that is their problem and not mine.
Anonymous
It’s context dependent for me. As a mom I feel very adult. Even more so as my parents age and are less capable.
As an employee it depends. Many of my coworkers are younger than me (30 or under) so I’m often the most senior and the most adult. But sometimes I feel like “who left me in charge?” Especially when I’m around other professionals outside of my company who are my age or older.
Anonymous
I feel like an adult, but with my 50th birthday just weeks away, I feel younger than what I thought 50 would be. I am single without kids, so my social life probably looks more like a younger person’s, and my BF is more than a decade younger. I am told I look younger than my age, sometimes by a lot, resulting in somewhat different treatment by others (though I see that fading quickly this year). These things affect how I look at myself and feel. But I’ve been financially responsible for myself since 17, own a home, have elder care responsibilities, act as counselor and “clear thinker” for my older sister and many friends, and have had responsibility for big things at work, so I do feel like an adult.
Senior Attorney
I definitely feel like an adult, BUT… I am absolutely gobsmacked to find myself eligible for Medicare and RETIRED, fer cryin’ out loud. Honestly I feel pretty much as young as I ever did, at least since my 30s.
Of Counsel
Very similar experience. I have felt like an adult ever since I became self-supporting at 26 (when I graduated from law school and got my first “real” job) but I often feel like I am 10 years behind my actual age. How is it possible that I am in my 50s?
Gandrealla
I’m 60 and my mindset is 20s.
Gandrealla
Crap, hit return too quickly. I have goals, dreams, plans, things that have not yet been achieved, things I don’t ever care to achieve, things I’m still trying out, still trying and failing, new interests I’m developing. I look at many my age who are broken down and depressed or else whistful and sentimental. We don’t have much in common. I feel I haven’t really arrived yet.
anecdata
I am in my early 30s, and while I think of myself as an adult, I also thought I would have more of the “big picture” relationships-and-career questions better answered at this point. So that part feels more “mid 20s” to me – aka definitely fully competent at taking care of myself, but still not really finding my place in the world/a lot of my life still feels temporary, or like a stepping stone to somewhere, ok for now, but not what I want long term.
Anonymous
I’m late 40s and have felt like an “actual adult” for quite a while, it’s great!