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Someone asked us this week whether we were planning on writing about Mother's Day. Our initial thought was, um, no — because hey, while we all have them (and some of us are them), what is there of particular concern to professional women and overachieving chicks to discuss?
Then we started thinking — behind so many overachieving chicks we know, there's a great mother who has encouraged them to succeed, told them they were smart (and pretty), and that they could do anything they wanted to. So let's use the comments thread to share a few words about our mothers and give thanks to them (and, tell us what you're getting them for Mother's Day!) Do you think they helped your success today? How did they encourage you along the journey?
This author's own tribute, after the jump…
I am incredibly lucky to have a very caring and smart lady for a mom. Both street savvy as well as well educated (with undergrad degrees in English and Philosophy, and a masters in Library Sciences), my mom married my dad when she was 21. After working to help put him through law school, she had me at age 27 and decided to stay home full time. She was a very hands-on mother — she helped me learn to read at a very young age, and made sure my library visits were frequent. She bought me Doctor Barbie and Lawyer Barbie (and, well, lots of other Barbies), and told me I could do anything I put my mind to. She waited tirelessly through more after-school lessons than either of us care to remember (including, briefly, golfing lessons — her theory was that if I ever became a female executive I had to know how to play). Having read that young girls are often intimidated by math, she created brief daily math assignments for me over several pre-teen summers, and worked with me until I understood the concepts. (I wound up skipping a grade in math around the 7th grade.) She taught me how to research a paper (each possible topic got its own page on legal paper, with attribution info like page numbers and book titles in the margins), and gave me feedback on my first (and second, and third, and …) drafts of numerous writing projects, both personal and school-related. She somehow still loves me despite my fire-breathing teenage years. She taught me how to shop — the thrill of a good sale! — as well as the value of savings. She supported me during my young, idealistic days (“I'll be a journalist!”) — including my crazy I-know-no-one-there-but-am-moving-to-New-York-to-intern decision during my sophomore summer of college — and did her best to keep quiet her massive sigh of relief when I decided to go to law school. She has always called me on it when I was being an intellectual wimp, and has always encouraged me to do my best. So: thanks, Mom.
I'd say what I'm getting her this year, but that seems like a bad idea, as she is one of the blog's most loyal readers.
Ariella
My mom died suddenly and without warning in 2005, about two weeks before my last set of law school exams were about to begin. I miss her more than I can possibly say (and more than I ever would have imagined, especially given our rocky relationship). To all of you out there who don’t talk to your moms as often as you should, my advice is to MAKE the time to do it. My greatest regret in life is not telling her more often how much I loved her and how much she meant to me.
My mom was a doctor – a chiropractor – and she never explicitly said to me that I could do or be anything I wanted to do or be. Instead, she showed me by example. She worked six days per week, owned her own chiropractic practice, reveled in her beautiful face and body, and was the life of the party. I never would have become the person I am without her influence, or the influence of HER mother, my grandmother.
My mom taught me that it’s OK for girls to like and excel at math and science, and she encouraged me to do so. I actually graduated from college with dual degrees in engineering and history due, in part, to my mother’s influence and encouragement with respect to math. She taught me to cook, to bake, to sew, and that I can handle anything. Even in death she taught me that I had to be careful of my priorities – I was able to take and pass my law school exams AND the bar even though I was devastated by her death. So, mom, if you were here, I would tell you that you are the cat’s meow.
Kat
oh it’s going to be a weepy day — that’s a really moving tribute, Ariella…
Lawgirl
@Ariella – God bless you. thanks for sharing.
DCLawyer
Ariella: strangely enough, my mom also died two weeks before my last set of law school exams – only five months after she was diagnosed with cancer at age 51. Even in her last few months, she refused (in that oh-so-persuasive way that mothers have) to let me put my career plans on hold. She was always my driving force and my #1 fan, and I know I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for her dedication, love and support.
I’d like to echo your sentiments: For those of you lucky enough to be able to let your mom how much your appreciate her this Mothers’ Day, do so!
Ariella
DCLawyer, thanks for sharing your story. There was recently an article in the NYT about children estranged from their parents by choice (in other words, the children refused to be in contact with their parents). The comments to that article included many from adult children who cited valid reasons for not being in contact with their parents. Deep down, I couldn’t help but feel envious of those commenters. They have the choice to speak with their parent(s) or to be estranged from them; you and I do not.
Shayna
My mother said the same thing when she read that for the same reason – she lost her mother at 16, and her life course (and those of her four siblings and father) was drastically altered as a result — nearly forty years later, my mother still wishes she had her mom to talk to, ask questions of, and share her success and family with.
LMo
I didn’t read the article, but as someone in that estranged situation, they are probably incredibly envious of you for having good memories of your mother. I am. :)
anon
Agreed @LMo. Without intending to diminish the profound loss suffered by Ariella and DCLawyer, in any way, at least you have memories and the remaining influence of a loving, caring supportive, dedicated parent in your lives. You moms sound like they were wonderful people. Being driven to the point of estrangement is painful and toxic, with rippling effects in your life and the lives of your siblings, aunts/uncles, grandparents, and children. And I honestly don’t know whether watching a parent lead a self-destructive, sad life is better than losing him/her. I guess I will find out one day.
Anon Too
anon- I lost my incredibly loving and supportive father just months before my college graduation and my wedding in 2005. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but the vast majority of my memories of him are happy. He was truly an amazing father and all around fabulous person. In contrast, I am mostly estranged from my mother. Our relationship has been rocky since I began middle school and got progressively worse through high school, college, and even law school. At this point, I answer the phone if she calls and I am polite to her, but I never initiate contact with her. I haven’t seen her in over a year. Both scenarios, frankly, really suck, but I can say that having happy memories to reflect on help heal your grief. It is much better to be able to say “my father is no longer here, but he did nothing but make me feel like the most loved daughter in the world while he was alive” rather than “I don’t speak with my mother because she does nothing but create stress and grief in my life”. I am jealous of those who have positive relationships with their own mothers, but I did win the mother-in-law lottery (she is amazing), so I suppose I will take my victories where I can.
KH
This string also made me think of that article. I was fascinated and repelled by many of the 100’s of reader comments on that article though. My relationship with my mother has been fraught and M-day is always hard for me because none of the cards fit. And I’m sad because I don’t have the good stories. But I send the best, most truthful card I can and have NEVER thought of voluntarily severing contact with her.
A number of commenters to the NYT article had good reasons (verbal and physical abuse and worse) for ending contact to protect themselves. But so many others had ended contract for reasons like “They’re old and we don’t have anything in common.” Or, “They’re boring and are too needy – they want to talk to me once a week and they need to get a life.” I really wondered where the hole in these people’s hearts had come from and was troubled by what seems like (yet another example of) a real breakdown in community. The stories here warm my heart.
Ariella
Well, I am gonna jump out there and I hope it’s not taken as judgmental. My relationship with my mother was not all roses and gumdrops. My mother was a functional alcoholic who was frequently verbally and physically abusive, especially in my younger years. Those facts do not negate the fact that she was also all of the positive things I posted above.
The relationships we have with our parents are our choice. The point I’m trying to make is that people who are estranged from their parents by choice are LUCKY to have that choice. My mother and I would probably never have had a “great” relationship, but I would have been able to work out my long-standing emotional issues with her (which carry over into my marriage and all of my adult relationships). Instead, I am left holding the pieces of an incomplete relationship and, through therapy, am trying to “make peace” with our relationship.
To those of you who are estranged from your parents, I am sure you have valid reasons for it and I am not judging you. But I can’t help but suggest that you try therapy to see if you can mend the relationship. Because I found out the hard way that failing to resolve my issues with my mother while she was alive made it even harder to resolve them now that she’s gone.
Anon25
I’m not estranged from my mother, but I’m not friends with her either. I have a sense of obligation because she’s my mother. I wish I felt more toward her, but to be frank, she made her own poor decisions as an adult, decisions that horribly affected a child who had no choice in the matter, and now that I’m the adult I’m determined to be more responsible than she was both with regard to my obligations to her and my obligations to my own children, who will never, ever be alone with her or visit her for an extended time.
I grew up estranged from my father’s father, and that was my father’s decision because he realized he could not responsibly allow my grandfather to be a part of my life. My aunts and uncles did not make the same decision and my cousins suffered for it. It’s never an easy decision, but sometimes estrangement is the most responsible decision.
Having said all that, I don’t think estrangement should imply that one can ignore familial obligations. My father didn’t speak to my grandfather, other than at awkward family events that my grandfather crashed once or twice, for 25 years, but you better believe we all visited my grandfather on his deathbed and shared in his funeral costs. I strongly believe that you owe at least that to the people who share your blood. At the basest level, it’s just taking the high road – they ignored their obligations to you, but you fulfill yours anyway.
maine susan
Well, my mom died in 1973, after I had been admitted to law school but before I actually went. I was 25. Both she and my father had serious issues with alcohol. She went back to work when I was 8 and my sister was 5. It made me more independent, I’m sure. But despite all the difficulties we had growing up, I never doubted that she loved me, and was proud of me. And that’s a great gift for a parent to give a child. She also always told me I had to be able to support myself because you never knew what might happen. She made me learn to type and take shorthand, and my undergrad major was education so I could always teach. When I first started drafting documents on an early word processor I used to joke that I didn’t think this was what my mom envisioned me doing when she made me learn to type.
I am now older than she was when she died and my son is older than I was when she died. It is by looking at him, and how great he turned out having a single working mom, that I know my parents and my mom did, on balance, a great job raising me. So, Ariella, and others who lose their mothers too young (and don’t we all,regardless of age, lose our mothers too young) trust me that as the years go by you remember more of the good and less of the bad, and you come to much easier forgive the bad and value the good. Happy Mothers Day to all, and thanks, mom. Wish you were here.
Taylor
Ariella –
Thank you for posting such a loving and amazing tribute to your mother. My mom was diagnosed with cancer over Christmas break my first year of law school, and died the first week of my 3L year. Throughout her illness, she insisted that I not put my career plans on hold, and that I finish school in 3 years. Growing up, she always told me that I could be whatever I wanted, and encouraged every dream I ever had. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss her, and I would give anything for just 5 more minutes with her.
The entire time she was sick, she insisted to all of us that she was going to get better, and she fought right until the end. She never gave up. About two years ago, a little more than 3 years after she died, I spoke to an old family friend, who I didn’t think knew about her illness and passing. The friend said that she had spoken to my mom right after her initial diagnosis, and my mom had told her that she didn’t think she was going to make it. The whole time she put on such a brave face just for the benefit of her children, she knew she wasn’t going to get better. That’s the kind of person she was – completely selfless.
To all of you who are lucky enough to still have your mothers, I’m sure you know how blessed you are :)
Jen
My mom was a big part in me believing in myself – when I knew I wasn’t the best or the smartest she encouraged me to perservere and do my best and always knew that I’d end up somewhere good, even when I did not. She’s always been there to listen to me and to encourage me and let me make my own mistakes. I ended up at a great law school and now a great job with a wonderful husband. All b/c of what she taught me and how she raised me. I really think she’s the reason I’ve been so successful.
Thanks, Mom. :)
Shayna
My mom is a major factor in my success now, and in my life. She told me from the start that I could be whatever I wanted when I grew up (and still does), let me play with Tonka trucks, and Barbies, take piano lessons, gymnastics, swim lessons, (oh the list goes on!), kept me stocked with books to feed my love of reading, drove me to mock trial practice four nights a week in high school, told me I could go to the college of my choice, and with my father would it work – and did. She schlepped with me to a year’s worth of open houses and listings when I was house hunting, spent days decorating, painting, repairing, and taught me how to use power tools, fix an overflowing toilet, and how to not get ripped off for home repairs.
She is my sounding board for new ideas, my bargain shopping partner, emergency seamstress, back up dog walker, gardening reference/landscaping assistant, and friend. She knows more of my secrets and dreams than anyone else, and is yet to laugh at or spill a one.
Shayna
I hit enter too soon – for the record, my mom is an amazing educator, who left working as a teacher of the deaf to have me (and then my siblings) and then returned to the classroom, went back to school in her 40s for additional certifications (beyond her elementary, deaf and special ed. certs) and is working now with inner city youth. Her store of patience continues to confound me whenever I stop by her classroom, and her ability to explain and teach nearly anyone is amazing — No, not everyone can teach.
Lawgirl
Kat, high-jack (again!). Where did you get that beaded, multi-colored necklace you wore with the coral AK jacket? LUVS! Not stalking you or anything.. (yet) :-D
Kat
y’know, it was a gift from my mother in law, and i get SO many compliments on it that i need to nail down where it came from. just sent her an email…
lawyermom
These are such touching tributes that I wanted to share mine, too. I know that I can be a fantastic mom to my 2 girls despite working full-time because I saw my mom do it. No matter how much flak the media might dish out to working moms, or my own occasional internal guilt about missing certain milestones, I always come back to the example my mom set for me about how one balances personal and professional achievements and learns to accept compromises. For example, while we loved my mom’s cooking, we happily enjoyed the delivered ready-t0-eat meals my mom ordered from a local caterer. Plus, it also meant my brother and I both learned to cook.
Moreover, I am also inspired by my mom’s personal courage. She came to this country as an immigrant with limited English and the amazing personal and professional accomplishments she has had since then continue to serve as a model for me. She followed my father, who was earning his PhD in Electrical Engineering, and little did she know what she was getting into. Over the past 40 or so years, she has worked full-time for all but 2 or 3 years when my brother and I were just toddlers. With her B.S. in Accounting, she started as an accounting clerk and eventually became the second highest-ranked accounting administrator for a nationally recognized community college district. She also earned her MS while working full-time (and in her 40s!) once my brother and I were in high school/college.
Throughout this time, despite all her professional accomplishments, she still balanced being a hands-on mom. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me that she came to my high school basketball games on weeknights despite long days at the office. Later, I learned that she also declined promotions so she could continue to be available to my brother and me when we were in elementary school and junior high. It wasn’t until we were of driving age that she accepted a major promotion and a longer commute.
I hope I can inspire my own 2 girls the way my mom inspires me!
LMo
I give my Dad a plant for Mother’s Day because he’s raised all three of his kids by himself and has sacrificed every personal ambition he’s ever had to do a phenomenal, selfless job at being a dad. He’s a construction worker and has no idea what I’m talking about when I’m upset about college/law school/the office, but he’s always there with the right thing to say to make me change my attitude. Since I was small he’s taught me small lessons that allow me to excel today, like, “The job’s not finished until the shop’s cleaned up” and “If you do it the right way the first time, you only have to do it once.” He’s an eternal optimist and would give the shoes off his feet to help someone else out. I wish I were more like him.
My mom chose to not be part of my family and Dad took up the slack. Jealous of all of you out there with awesome moms, but I wouldn’t give up my super dad for anything. Happy Mom’s day, Dad!
Eva
This is super sweet! Thanks for sharing.
RKS
I’m still thinking of what to say about my mom … but wanted to share this piece I got from a female partner at my former firm after a particularly harrowing week. To all moms who are also over-achieving chicks:
Things You Didn’t Put On Your Resumé
How often you got up in the middle of the night
when one of your children had a bad dream,
and sometimes you woke because you thought
you heard a cry but they were all sleeping,
so you stood in the moonlight just listening
to their breathing, and you didn’t mention
that you were an expert at putting toothpaste
on tiny toothbrushes and bending down to wiggle
the toothbrush ten times on each tooth while
you sang the words to songs from Annie, and
who would suspect that you know the fingerings
to the songs in the first four books of the Suzuki
Violin Method and that you can do the voices
of Pooh and Piglet especially well, though
your absolute favorite thing to read out loud is
Bedtime for Frances and that you picked
up your way of reading it from Glynnis Johns,
and it is, now that you think of it, rather impressive
that you read all of Narnia and all of the Ring Trilogy
(and others too many to mention here) to them
before they went to bed and on way out to
Yellowstone, which is another thing you don’t put
on the resumé: how you took them to the ocean
and the mountains and brought them safely home.
RR
Beautiful!
L
I love this.
AN
I am crying now as I read this with my son perched on my lap…this is going to be a weepy post.
Shayna
I printed a copy of this to share with my mom – thank you!
guest
I grew up in a small town and never saw a female doctor growing up. I have a very specific recollection of being 5-ish and at the doctor’s office when I told my mom that I wanted to be a nurse when I grew up. She said, “Why not be a doctor?” and I replied, “Girls can’t be doctors.” My mom immediately left the room and came back later with a female doctor to tell me how much she loved her job. I wanted to be a doctor from that point onward. I recently reminded my mother of this story, and she admitted that there were no female doctors where we lived, so she asked a nurse to come in and lie to me. She doesn’t feel even remotely guilty about it!
TJ
That is about 800 kinds of awesome.
LMo
LOVE.
Ru
your mom is way cool
Shayna
Great story :-) Clever mom!!
divaliscious11
My mom dids a month before my second birthday in a car accident caused by a drunk driver. But I have NEVER been mother-less, as my my Mom and my Dad’s sisters all rushed in and Mothered me with such fierceness that my children call them all Auntie-Grandma. They have supported and still continue to mother me 4 decades later, as it will be 40 years this June since my Mom passed. I say this to all of you – you don’t actually have to birth the child to Mother him or her. All you have to do is love them unconditionally and support them…..
R
Love this thread! My mom can chat up literally any person, and she truly believes that everyone has something to offer. By example, she taught me how to relate to pretty much everyone from the cashier to the realtor to the CEO. Only recently have I reflected on my career and realized how much this simple trait has helped me.
Anna
Flip side — love my mom very much, but she beat the mantra “working mothers are selfish” into our heads for so long that I was a SAHM for 10 years before going to grad school and to work, where I am much happier, and my sister never had kids. I’m sure I am guilty of embedding equally awful ideas in my kids’ heads, but that one has such negative implications for the lives of women and I am still paying for it today with an imbalanced marriage and impaired career progression. Thanks mom.
Blonde Lawyer
Anna,
Thanks for sharing. My mom was a SAHM. She is a preschool teacher and was always talking about the poor kids whose parents are always working and kids are always in day care. Though not as explicit as your mom, she implied that a woman should be at home once she has kids. I never realized that maybe that is why I have so adamently not wanted kids for so long. My husband has said he will happily be a SAHD until the kids are in school but I have still been leery. He recently said something to the effect of “just cause your mom did it doesn’t mean you have to” and “dads who work are good parents so why can’t you be too if I am home.” Good ways to see it on the flip.
Maureen
I felt guilty about not wanting to stay home with my kids, but eventually realized that you have to do what is best for you to do what is best for the family. The right choice for your mother could be the absolute wrong choice for you-even though you are related!
RKS
My mom also believed that a mother HAD to be home when she had kids. Problem was, she never really seemed happy doing it. She kept telling me about the degree program she gave up, how she can’t really contribute to the family since she doesn’t work, etc, etc. With that as my backdrop, being a SAHM never entered my mind. I vowed never to be that miserable. Only after having my 3rd kid did I start thinking that I could really choose which one worked for us, and that I could actually be happy doing either (or some combination of both).
That said, she’s an awesome and supportive mom. She’s just not a particularly happy person herself. I wish she *HAD* worked, been around us a little less but been happier with herself.
SES
My mom was a SAHM from my birth until Dad left 13 yrs later. She struggled to support us, going back to teaching & working 2 other jobs as well. Her message was clear: A good mother is a lioness, capable of feeding & protecting her cubs regardless of whether the lion sticks around. Thanks, Mom!
Anna
Blonde Lawyer,
Glad I could help. For what it’s worth, my kids are now in college and high school and I know people who have managed their families in every way you can imagine, work and no work. I am completely convinced that kids can be well raised (and happy) in any situation if the parents are thoughtful about it. Also, taking the long view — as the kids get older the dynamic changes and that’s a good thing. What doesn’t work for toddlers (or their parents) can be perfect at another stage. The only thing I’m telling my girls (and their brother) is that all adults should maintain some level of financial independence. It’s emotionally healthy as well as practical. (And it’s ok to love their mother but disagree with her. ; )
— Anna
Eponine
Thread hijack. What does everyone think about the recent media focus on whether a “mom” will/should be appointed to the Supreme Court? (I put “mom” in quotation marks since what the talking heads really seem to mean is a woman with kids at home – apparently RBG doesn’t cut it since her kids are grown.)
I’ll reserve my opinion until some others have shared b/c I don’t want to set the tone for the discussion.
Frustrated Academic
Utterly ludicrous–no one cared about John Roberts’ rather small children.
Shayna
So true — it’s another one of those extraneous factors that has little to no place being included in a decision.
No one cared that Obama has kids either (except that they’re adorable/well spoken/etc.)
RoadWarriorette
My thoughts exactly!!!
Eponine
I actually recall a lot of really nasty comments about his family being made by people who disliked him as a nominee. But that’s besides the point.
v
It feels like just another way to pit women against each other. I think that any woman whose made it to the level where she would be considered for the Supreme Court knows perfectly well what kinds of sacrifices women have to make to get there, whether it’s balancing her job with her kids, choosing not to have kids so as not to have to make those sacrifices, or genuinely not wanting kids and having aspersions cast upon her because of it. Nobody has it easy, nobody deserves to be penalized for that very personal choice, and it shouldn’t be cast as a moms vs. non-moms thing – we’re all in this together.
Eponine
OK, that’s basically what I think too. I also think that the emphasis on the large proportion of women in high positions who are childless is pointless. Yes, lots of men in high positions do have children, and fairly or unfairly, a lot of their kids resent never seeing them. A lot of women with children choose not to pursue high positions, and I think that’s a perfectly valid choice. Would Elena Kagan still be SG if she had kids, or if she had kids would she have pursued being SG? Who knows, and who cares. It’s her life and she seems happy with it.
RKS
I think the point with those comparisons is that it appears that balancing job + kids will not get you there. You don’t have that choice. It’s not a mom vs. non-mom thing, but something to think about: we’ve made many strides but still, if a woman chooses to have a family and remain (relatively) actively involved with that family, she gives up many opportunities that a similarly-situated man would never have to give up.
Eponine
I tend to think it’s actually a positive thing about women that, when push comes to shove, we’re usually willing to sacrifice career for family when often (although, less and less often nowadays) men choose to sacrifice family for career. It makes sense to me that most highly successful women don’t have kids at home. My dad chose a dull, well-paying career path that let him have plenty of time with his family, and I cherish my memories of growing up with him. It’s a shame more men don’t make the same choices as women.
Shayna
This is very true — my own mother (who gave up her career to have me and my siblings and went back to it after we were all in school) reminds me that “women have only come so far”… at the end of the day the default responsibility for children is on the woman – even if like her husband she works 40+ hours a week.
divaliscious11
As a qualifying matter – not apprpriate. As a consideration when you’ve determined that each candidate has the legal expereince and expertise? Then I don’t have a problem. I think of it as bringing another perspective into the discussion, no different the when Justice Ginsberger explained why being stripped search by school officials at age 14 IS a big deal when Justice Breyer suggested it wasn’t that big a deal.
I am a diversity advocate, not because I think you need ‘one of every kind” but because I think if everyone making decisions has the same perspective, then they are going to come up with the same answers. When they are right, fine, but often there may be a better solution, and it never gets heard because everyone is speaking with the same voice…. If the ‘right’ answer is correct, a diverse group of problem solvers will still get to the right answer…
NYC
Oh man, just had to close the office door because these tributes are so moving!
My mom has always been by number one role model. She left her first career as a pharmacist in her mid thirties and went to law school. She took the bar exam when I was 1 (a friend brought me by during the breaks so she could breastfeed). She had her own practice for over 15 years and did amazing amazing work in a very sensitive area of the law. My dad (teacher) drove the carpool and made the meatloaf and I would wait to fall asleep until I heard her car pull into the driveway. I never ever resented how much she worked and loved that when I was old enough (10 or so) she would take me around the country for depositions. I’d hang out at the pool and then we’d do whatever made sense in the area (we did a civil rights tour of the south on one of these trips). When I was 13 she came and spoke to my math class, in her red power suit (with brass buttons, of course), and told stories about the judges, lawyers, and professors who dismissed her because she was a woman. And she showed them wrong.
I think my dad was a little mystified when I went to law school (and came to a big firm) but my mom was and is soooo proud.
kate
I’m weepy eyed after reading all your wonderful stories and wish I can say the same.
Unlike many of the mothers referred to on this board, my mother never told me that I can do what I want and was always critical. Let me try to explain. It started since I was young (I’m in my 30’s now) — In grade school, when I would bring home an art project that I made in school she would say “oh we can find a better, one that is made by real artist at the store and that is pretty”. It would crush me. In high school when I made it onto a varsity sports team, I came home excited to share the news and her response was “…playing sports is a waste of time, it builds muscle and it makes girls look ugly…”. (I still joined the team nevertheless, but I’ve had to endure her daily critiques about how I was become “big and bulky” (mind you, I was 5’6″ and about 120lbs in high school). When I went away for college, she told me what I SHOULD major in, because in her opinion, I won’t succeed in anything else. I followed her words up until college. I always knew her words and actions were harsh, but I went along with them because when I didn’t, she knock on my door constantly and just come in and be in my face about it all.
College was the first time I felt that she could not do that, although I endured daily calls, suprise “check up visits sometime multiple times a week” to make sure I was studying, etc. (let me put this in perspective, I was a A average kid in high school and I went to a college that the US would say is in the top 20, and my college was 4 hours away from my parent’s home.)
Anytime I dated a boy, she would critique him to no end. So much so that at first it led to many break ups, but when it came down to it I realized it was because she was calling me daily, emailing me daily saying that boy I “choose” to date is “bad” because of x,y,z. Everything to me was a superficial and just overbearing. Here, I have a mother who has never said “sorry” to anyone because she thinks she can do no wrong. She has caused countless arguments with my father, my grandmother, coworkers , etc. But in the end, she says she has never said sorry about anything because (this is her reasoning) “she is a mom and so, she is always right and that her way is the correct way.”
I’ve tried to sit down with her many times , and speak in a soft calm tone trying to tell her that I’m an adult and that her ways are ways that I do not agree with and will never instill in my children. It always ends with her flipping out and just saying “NO, NO. You are just a ungrateful, disobedient child. Don’t you know? All parents treat their children this way and we do even more then “those” other parents. ” (remember, I’m in my 30s, and she still talks to me this way) . She knows that my best friend and my other friends don’t have parents like her or my dad, but instead of taking it to heart, she criticizes them saying they are just horrible people. :/
Presently, I’m happily married. My husband and I work at firms and live 2 hours from my mother and we don’t talk frequently with her. But to this day, she calls twice and leaves messages saying things like “you’re not allowed to ignore my calls!”, “you have to call me back!”. She calls so much so it’s harassing, and my husband never understood until we got married, and now she does it to him, too. The sad thing is that my father has taken up the same personality type as my mother because she has managed to “convince/brainwash” him into thinking that acting like that is not only acceptable, but it’s the “correct way.”
I’m sorry to write so much — but I feel that I’m at a a loss as to what I should do next. So with a great big heartfelt PLEASE — Ladies, I would love to hear from you, and hear your feedback/ suggestions as to how to handle this manner going forward. Thanks in advance! :)
lawyerette-to-be
my only advice (coming from experience with a different species of crazy-parent) is two things: 1) you can’t change people [especially not old, stubborn parents] and 2) set and stick to very strict boundaries that make you happy.
Anonymous
Hi Kate, I don’t know if its because of your mother, or inspite of her, but you seemed to have turned out normal, successful, etc. I do feel sorry for what you had to put up with–so sad that some parents are like that. I don’t have an answer, but I would keep contact to a minimum like you are doing. And Happy Mothers’ Day to you!
Anna
She probably learned this from her mom or some other woman in your life. Let it go as best you can and remind yourself that your opinons count more than hers because it’s your life, and she was wrong about a lot of things! Some people are truly incapable of seeing things through another lens. Sounds like your mom is one. So sorry.
Felicity
i totally agree w/ anna: she probably learn this from her mom…. i’m so sorry! its hard and usually impossible to change old stubborn people!
A
I’m so sorry. I wish I could give you better advice. I guess all you can do is be grateful that all you are dealing with at this stage is harassing phone calls that you can ignore, and not the unannounced visits you got in college. I think that it is smart that you do not live 2 hours away. I think that if she calls, you could send her an email politely letter her know that you are busy and will call her back soon and hope all is well.
I think it probably would not help for you to let your frustration show when you deal with her. It sounds like she is so set in her ways that you are not going to convince her that she is being irrational. If your mood is angry when dealing with her, she probably would go on the offensive and then the situation would get worse.
A
Woops. I meant that you live 2 hours away, and an email letting her know. Still suffering from Cinco de Mayo.
RKS
Kate, I’m so sorry. That sounds very painful. I know this sounds trite, but have you considered or gone to therapy? You have one very toxic relationship on your hands; this isn’t something to hash out on your own, particularly since you don’t have your dad as moral support.
anon2
see a therapist… it’ll do a world of good, but firest recognize that you can’t change her….
L
Your story reminds me of my mother and grandmother’s relationship, and my grandmother raised me (mom worked 40+ hours a week) and still lives with my mother until this day. I WISH my mother would have married when I was young and moved both her and myself away from my grandmother’s influence. As an adult, I can respect all that they have both done, but to this day I still have to argue with my mother and grandmother so that I am not subject to the BS manipulation (similar to what was discussed above), which is usually based upon their “shoulda, woulda, couldas,” and general unhappiness.
kate
Thank you all for your generous responses!! You are very helpful with your suggestions/advice and it is so important to me to hear what other brave, smart, and “career” driven women have to say. ;)
I will follow your advice, and I gotta sayagain, THANK YOU!!!
Ru
Kate, your relationship with your mom sounds a lot like me with my dad. They are the way they are and we’re just different from them. I still live at home with my parents and I nourish myself with my relationship with my mom, siblings and friends. Sounds like you have a happy marriage – take comfort in that. I usually just appease my dad verbally, behave in a way that won’t make him too upset (he’s just a quick-to-anger/criticism kinda guy) and that has made our relationship a lot smoother. He’s my father and he deserves that respect from me, no matter how unreasonably he behaves.
Ru
Having spoken about my father, I feel compelled to say that my mom is the strongest woman in the world, hands down. How she raised 4 kids born within 5 years of each other (handed in her master’s thesis right before she gave birth to me) and put up with her demanding and fiercely possessive (and loving) husband in a country not of her birth without support from family is definitely beyond my comprehension.
Susan
Kate, are you Asian American? I ask only because your mom sounds a lot like my mom (and your dad like my dad, too). I am working on a combination of a) letting her critical comments roll-off and go in-one-ear-out-the-ther, and b) not telling her as much so she has less ammo to criticize. It also helped that, after I realized it was just getting to me and I did not want my future kids to be around her too much, my husband and I found new jobs and moved to a city where we don’t have any family within driving distance (and it’s a beautiful city, too). Another thing that has helped with the harassing calls is I taught her how to use e-mail and set her up with an e-mail account so I don’t have talk on the phone with her more than once a week. It’s all about setting boundaries and realizing that all people (even our parents) are flawed and you can’t change people – you can only change your reaction to them.
Eponine
I have three pieces of advice for you: 1. see a therapist to work through your own issues with your mom and try to figure out why your mom acts the way she does, 2. recognize that you can’t change how your mom acts but you can change how you react to her, and 3. set boundaries (like a weekly phone call at a set day and time, a promise to visit every Thanksgiving, etc) and stick to them.
anon
Kate’s mother mother sounds a LOT like mine, so I doubt boundaries will work. I am sorry to say it, but sometimes you have to make a choice because self-respect and family obligations.
Long-time lawyer
Sounds exactly like my mother-in-law. Fortunately, we live a long way away, and we only have to see her once or twice a year. We do get calls starting out with “Why haven’t we heard from you!” Screen your phone calls and if things get really hairy, throw away any letters /delete emails without reading them. I do my best to be supportive of my husband in keeping his mother at a distance, and am always ready to walk out with him if she gets crazy at a family gathering. (It has happened so many times that we never go near her without an action plan.) Good luck, hang in there, and enlist your husband’s help in keeping her at a distance.
Thalia
My mother is not quite this overbearing, but has similar tones. (She is still mad at me because 10 years ago I bought a house she did not like. The house was sold 8 years ago, and at a good profit. But she still regularly brings up that I didn’t listen to her about it.) I really do recommend therapy, so that you internalize that this is not about *you* it’s about her unfulfilled life, and she’s trying to fill it through you.
Also, I don’t take calls at work (my parents know this) but I am very responsive to emails. So I have trained my parents (mostly) to email me during the day. Another friend has explained to her mother that she doesn’t have time to talk at work, but that she will call on her commute home. So she usually calls her mother as she is driving home. I don’t know if I could handle that. But I like the idea of setting up a schedule when you will talk to her, so that she will not interrupt your day. Then you can brace yourself, or distract yourself, as needed.
Best of luck. And congratulations on doing so well despite the incessant criticism.
RoadWarriorette
My mom is amazing. She was one of the first female pastors in Texas in the 1970s, and broke through so many barriers I can’t even count them all. She did that while raising three kids, working almost every night, and yet never feeling like an absent parent. She showed me that a woman can do whatever she wants to do, and that it is completely okay to be the woman in charge. She has inspired me in so many ways, and I know she inspires young female pastors now.
lo
Just want to give a shout-out to step-moms, who sometimes get a bad rap. I hear so many horror stories about stepmothers feeling jealous of their husbands kids, or putting the kids in situations where they feel obligated to choose between families. My step-mother took great pains to encourage my ongoing relationship with my dad, and had only praise and good things to say about my mom. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized how difficult this must have been for her.
RoadWarriorette
Thank you for mentioning this!! My step-mom is also amazing. She is one of my best friends, and she is a combination mom/sister/aunt to me. People are often amazed when they find out we have such a close relationship, especially considering that my father passed away almost fifteen years ago and she is remarried. She jumped right in and helped my dad raise me when I was 7 and my sister was 4, and I can tell you my teenage years were not awesome. She remained steadfastly loving through it all. She also is one of the busiest people I know, not only holding down a challenging job, but on committees, in church choir, and just helping people out. And she is one of those ridiculously creative people, who can put together a super cute centerpiece with a paper towel, a tuna can, and some twine. An awesome lady!
lawyerette-to-be
OMG – I lovelovelovelovelove my step mom too. She is so amazing; one of the best things that ever happened to me.
K
Seconded. My stepmom is the only reason I continue to have any contact with my dad – she’s the one who makes the effort to stay in touch.
Weepy
Never had a stepmom, but it’s wonderful to see so many of you having great relationships with yours! You never hear about those stories.
MelM
wow, my petty complaints about my Mom seem so, well, PETTY, after reading some of the issues here. So, this has made me even more grateful for having a good relationship w/ my Mom. My Mom never went to college, got married at 17, had me at barely 19. My Dad also never went to college, so when we needed the money, my mom worked off & on or part-time in “typical” pink-collar jobs (preschool teacher, secretary). She pretty much went to work full-time when I was in 6th grade and continued until about 4-5 years ago (she still works part-time for a foundation). She never really told me, in words, that I could be whatever I wanted to be. But I never ever felt that I couldn’t. Education was very important to her, so it was expected that my sister and I would do well in school and go to college. Maybe she missed having that opportunity herself, as she is very bright and well-read. And she and my dad made a lot of financial sacrifices to send me to a good school, at a time when there wasn’t much support for middle-income families. She never pushed us to get married or have children (though she adores her grandchildren). Looking back, she led me along the right path and then let me decide what to do and be. No, she wasn’t perfect, but she did the best she knew how, and I truly don’t begrudge the few mistakes. I only hope my daughter will do the same.
anon2
“She never really told me, in words, that I could be whatever I wanted to be. But I never ever felt that I couldn’t. Education was very important to her, so it was expected that my sister and I would do well in school and go to college. ”
This sounds a lot like my mom!
My mom was a SAHM but she was like the anti-SAHM too! All of her kids went on to get professional degrees and she was (is!) such a strong person… sometimes too strong, but a small flaw!
I think my mom proves that you don’t have to be a working mother to raise strong-willed kids who will value education and have successful careers etc. Not that this needs proving, but I’m grateful that my mom showed us this path!
A.
I have a mother, and now I am a mother. I didn’t realize until I had my own child how hard it is. It is hard every day. Every.Day. To make the right decisions for your child. No one hands you a manual when you child is born that says “do this.” And sometimes God gives you a completely different child than who you were expecting. My husband and I are both pretty mellow (he far more than I am, however) and we have the most intense, high-energy, willful child I can imagine. I love him with all my heart and soul, but I realize now why my mother seemed so tired and frustrated a lot of the time, because I was apparently much the same.
My mom was a teacher. She had very high career aspirations for herself, but in rural West Texas in the 1960s that wasn’t encouraged. She wanted to become a doctor but she was encouraged to teach because it would leave her more time for her own children. She liked teaching but she pursued her career with this amazing fervor, way beyond probably what was required. I look back now and see so much of a frustrated executive in her. She would have been a great CEO. As it was, she was a super-dedicated feminist and pushed me towards education and achievement as much as she could. One of my favorite stories: when I was about 8, she gave me the first and only Barbie she would ever buy me. I had wanted the Barbie Dream House but she gave me Executive Barbie, complete with her own office-on-one-side/swingin’ singles apartment on the other side playset. It was pretty clear which direction she wanted me to go.
My mom has bipolar disorder that went undiagnosed for many years. Any child of a bipolar mom has similar stories to mine: the whirlwind shopping sprees, impromptu trips, and fun days home from school when she was manic. Having to make your own dinner and wash your own clothes, at age 9, when she was depressed. There were weeks she couldn’t get out of bed and my dad would have to call the school to tell them she was sick, and they should get a sub. Sometimes I would stay home with her to “keep her company” (really it was to make sure she ate and that she didn’t kill herself, as she threatened to many times). We would watch soap operas while she lay on the couch wrapped up in a quilt, even if it was 90 degrees outside. At lunch I would heat up soup and sometimes I’d feed it to her. She’d cry about it. She wanted things to be different, but they weren’t. She was trying as hard as she could to be normal.
She finally got diagnosed and put on medication when I was in college, which I was regretful about only because it would have made my teen years so much easier. I was a textbook rebellious teen but her bipolar disorder meant that any small disagreement about anything could escalate into a chairs-thrown, blows-thrown, police-called altercation. On the medication she is a completely different person. Periodically she “feels fine” and goes off of it, and then I get a phone call at an odd time with her ranting on and on about some minor thing, like how the cashier looked at her funny in the grocery store. My stomach sinks and I call my dad and ask him to check the number of pills in her bottles by the sink. They have a big fight, she calls me crying, and I tell her to take the damn pills. She puts up a lot less of a fight about it than she used to. Funnily enough, after she hit menopause, it was like the dial got turned waaay down on the mania and the depression and she is calmer all the time. She hasn’t had a serious “bad episode” in a couple of years now.
Despite all this, I love her more than words can say. She is one of the smartest, funniest, most compassionate people I’ve ever met. She is great with my son. She is a good cook. She is unfailingly nice to my husband and takes his side whenever we get in a fight. She has good advice when you need it and has learned not to offer it when you don’t. She loves to shop. She is a good mother. One day she will be gone and that will be way, way worse than the worst of the bad stuff that happened when I was a kid. Someone can be a flawed person and make mistakes and still be a good mother. I remind myself of that every day. I love you, Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.
MelM
@A – this is so eloquent. and you are so right, especially about the insight you get into motherhood once you become a mother yourself. I understand so much better now why my Mom did some of the things she did. (and I’m a mom to an intense, high-energy, willful girl, so I understand where you’re coming from — my Mom likes to say she got me back!:)
Clerky
Wow, all of these tributes are bringing tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your stories, whether positive or not so positive. My mom has been without the doubt the most important influence in my life, and I’m happy to see that so many of you feel the same way.
SUCL 3L
Wow, have definitely teared up reading some of these stories!
My mother was an incredible woman. She was bright, hard-working, had a wicked sense of humor, and the biggest heart.
To me, she had it all – a job (nurse) that she still loved after 20 years and family (me and my dad) that she was devoted to. My mother worked her butt of when I was kid – she either had a second job (usually through a staffing agency) or was trying to pick up an extra shift or two each week at the hospital. But I never, EVER doubted that I was the most important to her. I specifically remember once hearing her on the phone tell the person at the hospital that she couldn’t take the extra shift tonight because she wanted to spend some time with her daughter.
She never specifically told me that I could do anything I wanted – she led by example and encouraged me in everything that mattered to me. When I was 12 I told her that I wanted to be a lawyer. She warned me it wouldn’t be easy, but never failed to encourage me in pursuing my dream.
She was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was a sophomore in college and died a few months after my graduation. Her being there meant the world to me. But even more important was knowing that when she passed, she was really proud of the woman I had grown up to be.
For my college graduation she gave me a jewelry set that my father had gotten for her many years ago when he was stationed oversees that really meant alot to her. She asked me to wear it to the ceremony. With my law school graduation just next week, I intend to wear it again. I take some comfort in knowing that where ever she is, she’s still incredibly proud of me.
Love and miss you, mama. You’re the best.
Eponine
My grandma gave me a bracelet when I was sworn into the bar years ago. She’s since died, and I still wear it for every “lawyer” thing I have to do – court, etc. It reminds me of where I came from and who came before me and helped me get where I am now. I hope she can see me as I wear it and know that I’m thinking of her and how proud she was of me.
LC
I love the idea of honoring our mothers (I owe a huge debt to my mom, who had two children in law school!), but how is motherhood (and celebrating it) not relevant to over-achieving chicks? I would have loved to hear how other professional women deal with motherhood and the stresses of a high octane industry.
adri
I had a non-relationship with my mother for a long time–we rarely spoke, and when we did, she made it a point to criticize me or make me feel guilty about stupid things. She abused me physically and verbally as a child, and I vividly recall having my first suicidal thoughts when I was six–I remember holding a knife and thinking, I don’t deserve to live if all I do is make my mommy be angry.
I didn’t contact her for a long time, and then, somehow, she coaxed me into visiting her over the holidays last year. I dreaded the visit and left instructions with my sister to take action if she didn’t hear from me–my mother has always been violent, and I was terrified she might try something, since it’d been so many years since I’d last seen her. To my complete and utter surprise, we had a terrific time. Moreover, during my time there, I saw my mother interact with her mother (who lives with her), and suddenly, everything made sense. Even now, when my mother fully supports her financially, my grandmother verbally abuses her nonstop.
I wish I had something more eloquent to say than this, but I suddenly understood that my mother had done the best she could under very difficult circumstances. There is no doubt in my mind that she always wanted the best for me, no matter how bad she was at showing it. Just a few months later, we are incredibly close. She was the first person I called when I got into the law school of my choice, the first person I consult when I make a decision, and my biggest cheerleader at all times. I am still baffled by this, and am terrified it could change at any moment. For now, though, my only regret is that I didn’t reach out to her sooner–I had no idea how nice it is to have a mother that cares about my success, a mother that I feel really loves me. I’m really excited that I’ll have her now that I am an adult, even if I didn’t as a child.
Weepy
Adri – I’m so glad for you. Thanks for sharing.
anon
Adri — I wonder if the distance helped both of you realize your independent personhood, so that you could grow into a different relationship.
Suze
This is wonderful. I am a lot older than most of you (closer to 50 than 40, never mind 30 ish like most of you…but I look to you for inspiration) and I can sooo relate to the posters who’ve had ‘rocky relationships’ with their moms, and who need to set boundaries…etc. After my parents divorced when I was 8, my mom went full tilt into alcohol and drug abuse, sometimes verbally and frequently physically abusive, a lot of benign neglect, sometimes shipped me out to people from the classifieds so she could ‘get away for a weekend’, then when she finally got sober when I was 11, promptly shipped me out to boarding school (did I mention the part about how she totally alienated my dad, financially and emotionally, and moved us 1000 miles away so I never saw him until I was basically grown up and he met and married my A+++++ stepmom, whom I really consider to be my mom, and thanks to whom I have a relationship with my dad and three great half siblings). My mom’s alcoholism was only part of it, I am sincerely convinced that even after 30+ years w/o alcohol, a person can still be mentally ill – but we can’t know for sure, since she refuses all conventional medicine and psychotherapy. I think she’s probably bipolar, but I am just a lawyer not a dr. And I got to be a lawyer entirely on my own – emancipated self at 16, that’ s a whole ‘nother story.
Nonetheless, I know (from lots and lots of therapy and decades of life experience, including my own three kids), that my mom did the best she could. She’s still in my life, and I still struggle mightily with boundaries and to some extent history – she instigates my oldest daughter by telling her that I am reaping what I sowed (ie, I was not/am not a ‘good daughter’ so my pre-adolescent daughter’s act-outs are what I deserve…gotta love it).
I so can relate to the poster who said she doesn’t let her kids be alone with her mom – I’ve reached that point and it is painful. How do you tell your kids that they can’t go to Gramma’s for a week alone?
And as far as role models, my mom NEVER worked – married a couple of successful physicians and carped constantly about being supported not enough to her taste ‘let the father/man pay…they respect you more if they are ‘invested’ in you.’ (How sick is that?!).
I think because of that trauma (thanks Mom, and I DO mean it), I have worked every day of the last 35 years except the two ninety day maternity leaves my law firm provided when my now ten year old and eight year old twins were born. I am so repulsed by the stereotype of the ‘dependent/despondent’ that it’s still hard for me to accept the generosity of my husband (second; not the kids’ dad) who is more than willing to pick up slack on finances, child rearing responsibilities, etc , and whose adult kids are fabulous stepchildren.
And here’s the punch line: I don’t think I’m doing that great with my kids. I pull 50 hour weeks regularly, prioritize work obligations over field trips, softball games, you name it, babysitters feed, shower and homework them before I get home, by which time I am usually so spent that I have zero tolerance for sibling nonsense, bickering, needy little things and piddling chool paperwork/homework that is really important to them. But I tell myself that I am teaching them by example – self sufficiency and independence being the cornerstones….
It’s a tangle. God bless all the moms, and daughters of moms (perfect and not) who struggle through these rocky roads, and double God bless the stepmoms who wreak love and some degree of familial harmony from the wreckage of disastrous couplings and parenting decisions.
Signed,
a wounded daughter, loving stepdaughter, and trying hard mom and stepmom
Eponine
Wow, our moms were very similar. Long lost sisters?
I’m sure you’re doing fine with your kids, especially if those babysitters are trusted professionals instead of people from the classifieds. If you can, though, try to up your tolerance for things that you can see the unimportance of but seem crucial to a kid. If you’re at the end of your rope when you get home and can’t deal with the kids without snapping, just ask the babysitter to stay an hour longer while you shower and relax a bit, or even have her come on Saturday morning so you can get a workout and massage before spending the afternoon with the kids.
My dad was cut out of my life by my mom, but he still showed up to every silly school play and that meant so much to me. In retrospect I know that attending school plays is paaaaaiiiinful and I appreciate it even more. Whenever I did get to see him we’d do silly activities like the zoo, museum, and once I was older even daddy-daughter dinners in a fancy restaurant. If I called him he took my silly middle-school concerns so seriously. I didn’t get to see him a lot, but the time I did spend with him meant a lot because he made a real effort to make me the center of his world when I was with him. The benefit of your workload is that you have the money to give your kids great experiences like museums, dinner out, theater, professional sports, etc. Even if you can just set one afternoon a week aside for mom time, your kids and stepkids will really benefit and they’ll have fond memories of it when they’re older.
(Kat – I had a lot of trouble posting this – kept getting “page not found,” then suddenly “you are posting comments too quickly.” Luckily I’ve come to anticipate posting problems and copy my comment to the clipboard before I hit submit.)
Anna
Hang in there Suze; you’re doing fine. I used to joke that I would be lucky if my eldest went on Oprah on the “My mom ruined my life” episode instead of Jerry Springer’s “I am a hooker because my mom ruined my life!” show. She is now 21 and thriving and we have a great relationship. Kids need their own lives too and will be fine — and more independent later — if you aren’t there at every ball game as long as you make it to a few. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming… : )
kate
Suze,
Thanks for sharing this story and wise words. You seem to now have a healthy outlook and balance with being a daughter, stepdaughter and now mother. It’s never easy to be a working mother, but your attempt at making it work really sings to me. Thank you!
Suze
Thanks Eponine – we ARE long lost sisters, I think. Your advice is well taken, I try, and will continue to try, to keep perspective. And yeah, the classifieds are not part of my childcare equation! That’s really my mother’s day thing – thank GODDESS for my wonderful nannies/’other mothers’/what have you (that which SAHM’s occasionally tend to – oh so subtly – look down on).
And thanks also to Kate and Anna – how nice to hear some positive reinforcement.
Happy Mommy’s Day to all. for what it’s worth, I had a pretty good one…hope you did too :-)!
AN
My mum has always been my #1 supporter. She was born when my 3rd world country had just become independent, and yet she worked from the time she was 19, for over 30 years – with a 2hr commute each way thrown in. She showed through example how I needed to always do my best, never settle for ‘mediocre’, that I could juggle family & work without short-changing either.
Growing up, I cannot recall a time when she did not attend school functions, or Parents’ day or review all my reports with me. She bought me books every week, (though it couldn’t have been financially easy in those days), put up with my awful teenage tantrums, pushed me to go to b-school (and paid for it) and was thrilled when I got into the #1 school in my country.
She has always been incredibly supportive and I cannot remember a time when I did not speak with her atleast once a week. I live in a different country now, but we talk on the phone all the time. She was there for me when I gave birth and spent 3 months with me & my baby, helping me get back on my feet and caring for him – though it meant sacrificing a much-longed for trip to the States. My husband treats her like his own mum.
Thanks to her, I feel that I can have the best of both worlds, and that I will be a good mum to my boy – with such an example before me. In many ways, she has had to be mum & dad for me and my sister. I owe her everything.
Thanks, Mum!
Elle Woods
I love this thread, it has seriously made me really emotional. My heart goes out to all those who haven’t got their mums around or have had a hard time with the relationship.
I’m very lucky in that my mum is fabulous. From an early age I have always been able to talk to her about absolutely anything and she will never judge me – well maybe a little but she hides it well ;-).
I live in a different country to my mum, but we speak every day via text and e-mail and she is always the first to find out when something is going on in my life, good or bad. And she is always there for me in both. She has always been very supportive, even if at times she has been a little scared for me and the decisions I’ve made, but I know she loves me and is proud of me and this won’t change no matter what.
My mum may not be a doctor or lawyer or anything fancy, but she is the wisest person I know and she always knows the right thing to say. Even when sometimes I haven’t agreed with her advice, she has turned out to be right all along and now I always listen to her! My mum is awesome and I hope I can come even close to being as good a daughter in return!
Love you, mum!
L from Oz
Elle, you’ve summed it up beautifully. I also live on the other side of the world from my family, but I know my mother is still always there for me, just as she always was when I was growing up. Even when she couldn’t really help, she always offered unconditional love and support, and I can talk to her about absolutely everything.
We don’t always agree, but it simply doesn’t matter – she’s simply the best mum a person could ever hope for. (And my Dad too – if I’ve got the idea that I can do anything I set my mind to, it’s from both of them.)
I will ring her with fondness tomorrow (she’s gone to bed now) and wish her the best – not just for one day but for each and every moment. If I ever have children, I hope I can come close to giving them all the love I’ve had.
Hearing other people’s stories, I realise how lucky I am.
Law-Less
My mother is the best. I know, everyone thinks that, but mine really is. My mother is my biggest supporter, my shoulder to lean on, my constant listener, and my friend. She raised my brother and I as a single parent from the time we were both toddlers. She worked so hard and I can only imagine how tired she must have been, but she never let it show. She was up at the crack of dawn every morning to get us ready for school and then drove us to our grandparent’s house where we had breakfast and walked to school. Then she would work all day and would pick us up, sometimes after dinner and take us home. Even after working all day, she always had time for questions about homework and she always made it to every one of our concerts, basketball games, and plays, usually with flowers! Well, not at the basketball games…
My mother worked so hard, but still always made me feel like nothing was more important to her than my brother and I. She makes me believe that I can do it all, too, and have the career I want and still be an awesome mother someday. Through her example, my mother taught me the value of hard work and self-sufficiency. She is truly one of the hardest working people that I know. She started at the bottom of her field and made her way to the top. But really the most amazing thing about my mother is that she LOVES the work that she does. As I am about to graduate from law school, I think about the career path that I am going to take in the future. I think about my mother and I strive to have a job someday that I truly love as well. She recently told me that she was proud of me, because I was the reason that I was successful in law school, and that my achievements were mine alone. But the truth is that I never would have taken my first step in the door at law school without her. She has always made me feel like I can do anything and be anything that I want. It’s funny that can’t specifically remember her ever saying that to me, but it is just always been something that I felt and I know that she truly believes it.
In addition to all of this, my mother is the most incredibly kind person; she is the ultimate nurturer and spreads her joy everyone she meets. Unfortunately, she went through the most awful experience any mother could have, the unexpected loss of my brother at the age of 14, but still somehow has joy in her soul. Her strength through this awful experience that happened almost 13 years ago, still never ceases to amaze me. We grieved his loss together and still do, I am so thankful that I can share the loss and my pain with her and even more importantly, that we can remember him and the person that he was together.
I am so grateful to have a mother who loves me and is so proud of me and the person that I have become. But the most beautiful thing about my mother is that I am just as proud of her as she is of me!
Lawschoolbound
I must say I am a bit envious of some of the commenters here who have great moms/stepmoms. I wish to God I had that kind of relationship with my mom because I believe that that is the way mother/daughter relationships should be.
I don’t love my mother. I stopped loving her at a very young age. She is possibly the most bitter, angry and unhappy person that I have ever met, and she routinely takes out her frustrations on me and my siblings. She blames us for everything in her life that has gone wrong, perhaps because she is too afraid to hold the one person accountable for her apparently crappy life: herself.
I am leaving for law school this fall, and when I do, it will be frighteningly easy for me to never see her or speak to her ever again. Sometimes I wonder how I will react if she dies. Will I cry? Will I even feel sad?
My high school Latin teacher told me something very interesting, and I didn’t understand until recently. He said that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. When it comes to my mother, I am dead inside. I feel no compassion, no sympathy, no empathy, no affection, nothing.
I wish I could love her. I wish I could be her friend. I wish I could talk to her. I wish I could trust her with my life. I wish it wasn’t so easy to lie to her about everything. I wish it wasn’t so easy to hide things from her.
Part of the reason why I don’t want to have children is because of her. As much as I like to think that I am not affected by the way I was raised, I could see her in myself. I would rather die than be the type of mother to another person that she was to me.
Sorry to put a damper on the mood.
Anon25
I had a very similar relationship with my mother. She got over being bitter and unhappy as she got older, and tries to be friends with me now, but it really is too late. I’m not really indifferent anymore, because time and distance heal all wounds, but I don’t want to be involved in her life either. I’m glad that she’s happy now, mainly because it means that she leaves me alone. I do worry a lot about what would happen if she ever became dependent on me, because frankly, I don’t know if I’d want to help. Distance seems to be the primary factor in keeping our relationship cordial.
I did get over not wanting to have kids, because I realized that the difference between her and me is that I’m self-aware and she wasn’t. If you are aware of your tendency to actlike her, you’re unlikely to give in to that tendency.
imperfect and incomplete
Thanks for initiating this post, it is really wonderful, both to read the inspirational stories and to commiserate with the less happy stories. I am on the side of those who struggle with their relationship with their mothers (mine just called me yesterday to pick a fight so I could be the “bad daughter” over MD weekend, lovely…) I love my mom and fully recognize the reasons why she tries to control me and thinks all of the decisions in my adult life are wrong — so I could never cut her out, her pain is my pain, and I deeply understand how hurt she is that I moved away. I am an only child and feel a deep sense of obligation, because I know how important family is to her, how I was not born the type of daughter she could understand or relate to, and how she has given me everything she could that she never had (except recognition of my independent personhood). So there is no cutting her out of my life. But when I think about moving back closer to her when I have children, so that she can see her grandkids, I think about how there is no hope that she can recognize and accept me for who I am or respect my decisions if they are different from her own (aka “wrong”), and my obligation to my future kids and my husband to not make myself unhappy and constantly fighting with someone who doesn’t fight fair. It is so exhausting to walk the line between not cutting someone out but constantly having to be vigilant about boundaries and never knowing when the blow out fights are going to come. I love my mom, I wish I could make her happy, but I can’t give her what she wants without giving up myself.
Thalia
I feel like I should post about how wonderful my mother is, because I posted something about her controlling tendencies above.
My mother is wonderful, loving, and supportive. My parents emigrated to the US when I was young, and I still admire their ability to leave behind friends, family, and language, to make a better life here. My mother was the first in her family to get an advanced degree, she has a Masters in Math (Statistics). But there was no question in her mind that we were going to go to college. She always told me to be sure I made enough money to support myself, and never rely on anyone else to support me. And yet, she was there to support me, financially and emotionally. Even now, at 40, I know she is there for me, if need something. We talk at least a few times a week, and IM and email even more frequently. I don’t think I could ever screw up badly enough for her not to tell me that I am OK, and that she will be there to help when I need it. It’s something I hope to give to my kids; that understanding that despite arguments, and issues, underneath there is a rock solid level of support that will be there always.
A
My mom is awesome. I really can’t explain it all in a particularly eloquent way. She is a SAHM, but she always made sure that we understood that she thought that moms who worked were just as good as moms who didn’t. I frequently heard a story about one of her best friends who tried to stay at home, but was miserable and how my mom told her that her son would be a happier person if his mom was happy too. She doesn’t take sides in the mommy wars. She made sure that I knew that I could grow up to be anything that I wanted to be even after her father (an attorney) told her upon her announcement that she wanted to go to law school that women just didn’t make very good lawyers. As a matter of fact, she didn’t cry when I bought my wedding dress,but did when I showed her the suits that I bought for OCI. I’m so lucky that she and my dad will be there tomorrow as I graduate from law school. Thanks mom, and thanks to everyone else for sharing!
guest
Also chiming in as someone who is estranged, I still consider my mother an important part of my life because she has taught me what I do not want to be for my children. I have wonderful memories of my mother when I was young. After my father left us for another woman, my mother (who was gorgeous) got her masters in education while raising my brother (a newborn) and me (2 years old) by herself. She was an EXCELLENT cook and a very crafty person (she sewed all our clothes until we were teenagers, made and sold angels at craft fairs, etc). She loved to garden and she was an excellent teacher. She taught special ed and worked full time but was always home at night to help me with my homework. And she drilled the importance of grammar into me in a way I can never forget.
Things changed after she married my step-father, who turned out to be scarily controlling. Over the course of about ten years he converted from one religion to another and she followed him. In high school I reunited with my father and went to live with him to attend one of the best high schools in the state. My mother and step-father, on weekend visits, began telling me how I’d succumbed to secular influences and was losing my relationship with god, etc. The last I saw of my mother was at my high-school graduation. I was the valedictorian and she walked out half way through my speech after I made a “secular” reference to Janis Joplin. I went on to Columbia for my undergraduate work — after informing her of this over the phone (ecstatic!!), she responded that I’d selected to go live in the city of Satan (NYC) and that she had no interest in seeing me until I’ve “repented.” It has been almost a decade now and the few cards I’ve sent have been rejected. She didn’t attend my wedding. I’m fortunate to have wonderful husband, mother-in-law, and father and step-mother.
I just wanted to post to make it clear that it’s not always the daughter’s choice to be estranged. In some ways as time has gone by I find myself just remembering my mother as she was in my early childhood years. I can’t help but think about her every time I cook certain dishes that she taught me or work in the garden. She was a wonderful person before she let a man distort her into someone who would put religion before their own children. That is something I will never do.
Denise
Kat, if you were a mom of a grown child yourself, you would know that THIS POST is the best mother’s day gift you could ever give your mom.