Thursday’s Workwear Report: Laser Cut Scuba Knit Pencil Skirt

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1. I may be the last person to this book, but a coworker recommended it to me based on some things going on in our department and it’s a fantastic little read.

   It’s called The dip: A Little Book That teaches You When to Quit (and when to stick) by Seth Godin. It’s only 80 something pages and is a quick read.

   I got it out of the library but I think I’m going to either download the ebook or buy a copy to have handy for reference and reminders.

   If you’ve read it, let me know what you thought about it.

   1. Who do you recommend it to?

      1. Anyone who is at the point of questioning if they should continue something or move on. Could be a job, hobbies, a career, or volunteer work.

         The basic premise is that every “new thing” is fun up until a point, when it reaches the unfun part (The Dip). If you are willing and able to get through the dip, then continue. If it’s not a dip and it’s really a cul-de-sac, you’re going to continue to be stuck in the unfun part.

         And he talks about how “winners” quit fast and often, and that isn’t always a bad thing.

   2. I haven’t read The Dip yet but I’ve read several of his other books. I particularly liked Linchpin.

2. When you go through periods in your marriage when you’re fighting a lot, how do you stop fighting? Both of us made some honest mistakes (no cheating), but hurt feelings take some time to get over. We’re going out of our way to be nice to one another and generally really enjoy our time together. But random fights do crop up about the same old thing. Any advice on how to stop that?

   1. Have you tried counseling? I know a lot of people hate the idea, but it can really help you work through past hurts and learn ways to talk about these things without it devolving into a fight. Being extra nice to each other doesn’t help address the root issues.

      1. No, I don’t really want to do counseling because we’re both in a very tight spot time-wise right now. If we needed it to save our marriage, or if were at a less busy time I’d be down for it. We’ve made a LOT of progress on our own, and I feel confident we can take this the rest of the way. I’m sure counseling would be faster/more effective, but I don’t see it as a great option right now.

         1. If you don’t have time for counseling, I think you need to be really pro-active in stopping fights. If one of you starts to get upset, the other needs to actively de-escalate the problem immediately. When my husband and I are going through stressful times, it helps a lot if the response to snappishness is kindness. (i.e., It sounds like you had a rough day. Did you get lunch? or Why don’t you go relax while I clean up?). I imagine this only works if you’re both actively doing it — otherwise, one of you would start to feel like a doormat pretty quickly.

            1. I agree. And to add to this I would sit down with my dh when we were both in good moods and say something like “it seems like we are always fighting about xx and it’s really not productive. Can we agree to not bring it up any more?” And then you both make a conscious effort to not engage in fights on that topic anymore. This will work best if the issue you are fighting about is something minor, or something you’ve already kind of come to a resolution on but someone keeps bringing it up. I don’t recommend leaving more major issues unresolved or pushing them to the back burner when they really need to be addressed.

   2. Shory answer: Counseling. If you don’t want to go that route: It sounds like you haven’t actually resolved the original disagreement. Maybe schedule a calm time to discuss, with rules of engagement and a written list each of points you want to raise and possible solutions/mitigations.

   3. No real advice – following to hear what other say. For us, counseling has helped on the bigger stuff but not the smaller disagreements. We’re trying to focus on either finding an actual solution to the issues or agree to disagree when possible. DH constantly overloads the dishwasher and stuff doesn’t get clean – our resolution is that I will stop trying to get him to do it a different way if he takes responsibility to handwash the stuff that doesn’t get clean.

   4. Another thing is that we have really high stress lives right now for a variety of reasons, and I think a lot of the “fighting about old stuff,” is less about the old stuff and more about the stress sort of bubbling over.

      1. Counseling. Make time for your marriage. It’s more important than you are giving it credit for. And while you are there, ask about techniques for managing stress.

         You see yourselves as making great progress alone. But to disinterested outsiders, you can’t stop fighting regularly, so pretty clear you’ve hit a wall.

      2. DH and I went through this a while back, during a stressful period in both of our lives. We were both stressed at work but not able to do anything about it, so we would pick stupid fights with each other (or rehash old fights). I think we both had pent-up frustrations and our only outlet was fighting with each other.

         For us, two things helped. The first was being honest about what was going on and reaffirming that we want to be together, we want a healthy relationship, and we don’t want the kind of relationship where we are bickering. We both made a conscious effort to not pick fights, and to acknowledge when we were doing it (and back off and take a break).

         The second thing that helped was changing the underlying source of stress. That’s actually the most important thing, but obviously the hardest. We both took jobs closer to home (and he got out of a bad work situation). That freed up a lot of time and let us both start up some hobbies and exercise that we hadn’t done for years. We’re both in a better place now so we don’t feel the need to blow off steam by fighting with each other.

   5. This sounds silly, but we follow my parents’ advice: always hold hands when you argue. That means no text arguments, phone arguments, etc. Having arguments in person is just… better. Plus, I find that the holding hands thing really creates both a bond and a sense that the relationship itself is kind of a party to the argument. We’ve got a thing we’re preserving here.

      1. This makes me feel emotional just thinking about it (in a good way). What a beautiful idea.

      2. This sounds completely impractical to me! I agree that fighting by email or text is a terrible idea. But when my husband and I fight in person, I do not want to be holding his hand. First of all, I talk with my hands. Second of all, if I’m feeling angry I’m likely to hurt his hand. I cannot relate to this advice at all (though I admit it might be very useful for others).

   6. Short of counseling, three things that might help:

      1. If you’re not doing it already, try to express your frustrations with each other in the “I feel…” or “I think…” constructs instead of “You always…” or “You never…”. If you find yourselves losing your temper in the heat of the moment, maybe try to rehearse a few things you’d like to say in advance. And ask your husband to use the same kind of phrasing.

      2. Agree to sit down together to discuss situations that tend to escalate to fights and ways to defuse the situation before someone says something regrettable.

      3. Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings. For me, writing something down is what finally frees me to let it go; my journal keeps the thought so I don’t have to hold onto it anymore.

   7. For me, stop drinking. Even 1 glass of wine reduces my inhibitions JUST enough that I might not hold my tongue or watch my tone like I know I should, or I might not let something go. When you’re both on edge, you need full control of your faculties.

   8. $ex. When I notice we’ve been bickering a lot I force myself to have it more often than normal, and then we feel more connected and fight less about stupid stuff. Cliche but it works for us.

      1. +1

         girl, reach across the bed

      2. But if you’re upset or stressed, how on earth can you force yourself to do that?? (Not snark, honest question). My body is absolutely not interested when my mind is not interested, and when I’m angry or stressed, PARTICULARLY at DH, my mind is absolutely not interested. That just sounds painful.

         1. Just making an effort to physically connect helps us. Even if it just means reaching out to hold his hand as we are going to sleep or make sure we kiss each other goodbye in the morning. Both of us recognize the significance of the effort and try to respond positively.

   9. When DH and I are bickering a lot, it’s usually because of stress, lack of time, and not feeling connected to each other. So, honestly, having s*x more frequently helps.

      Also, this seems counter-intuitive, but making time for some self-care helps a lot. Since we have a kid, that usually requires the other’s support. But if I’ve been cranky, an evening for a pedicure and yoga will often turn things around. Or if he’s run down, sleeping in or spending a morning zoning out on his computer will make the rest of the day so much better.

      This is what we do when we’re just impatient with each other, snapping, bickering, etc. If there’s some underlying issue and hurt feelings that need to heal, you may need to take a more proactive approach. Like other people have said, that might involve a calm but serious discussion about where you are in the process right now, and counseling would probably help.

   10. Have you given (and received) real apologies? Not worthless “I’m sorry you felt hurt when I said that” apologies, but real apologies where 100% admit you were wrong.

       “I’m sorry I said that you never help around the house. It’s not true, because you clean up the kitchen every night while I’m working out. I’m stressed out and overwhelmed with a lot of things, but I don’t want to take it out on you, and I’m ashamed of the way I’ve been acting.”

       At this point, any spouse that doesn’t have ice in their soul will stop you from going any further and toss out their own apology. 100% apologies when you’re introspective, calm, and it’s obvious you really want to change a pattern can go a really long way.

   11. Have you read John Gottman? Specifically “The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work”? Most couples therapy is based on Gottman’s research. I’ve found it enormously helpful in dealing with precisely what you’re talking about. Order it on Amazon and give it a read. It’s pretty easy going and doesn’t make you do counseling exercises. More like gives you strategies to recognize what’s going and manage it in productive ways.

       1. This is a great alternative to therapy, thank you. It’s in my amazon cart already :)

   12. Based on my experience as a former family law practitioner, and personally I highly recommend the Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus books by John Gray. Also,it may come as a surprise, but the Focus on the Family website has some very insightful, practical resources (books, downloads,postcasts) for modern couples like yourselves;that are committed to making your marriage work and prosper.It will take individual and collective effort, but based on your comments, the two of you were ready. I wish you the very best.

3. Has anyone ever had to completely cut off contact from a toxic family member? How did you do it? Was it messy? Advice needed.

   1. Yes. I sent an email explaining why because I knew he would gaslight about it. Messy? No… he still sends me emails and calls at work but I set his email as spam and tell my assistant to send him to voicemail. My therapist suggested having the BF check the mail and throw out mail from him, because I found mail from him upsetting, but now I’ve moved so that’s not an issue anymore. I also changed my personal phone number and blocked him on my phone for when he calls my google voice number. Happy to chat further – Wildkitten r e t t e at gmail dot com. There are online support groups and I found supportive therapy helpful.

   2. Yes.

      In some ways this is easier to do earlier rather than later. It’s easier to do if the rest of your family is supportive and understanding. It is much, much harder if you’re constantly defending the decision or fighting off attacks, passive and active, from those around you. It’s hard for people who aren’t at that point to understand making that decision almost no matter what has happened – it’s amazing how strongly feel about family connections above everything else.

      I cut off contact with my mother in college, following a period of 1-2 years where I wasn’t as consistent with the cut as I should have been, and every time it sucked me back in it wrecked my life and affected people around me. Nothing means nothing. No calls, no mail, no email, everyone knows not to give her information about my life including my current address. Anything I get is tossed unopened or deleted. I know what it will mean to get back on the train and I am not having it anymore.

      It was easier for me because it was always a terrible situation for us, we should never have been raised in that household. I wasn’t losing anything because I never had it. That makes it easier in my mind, if more confusing to people around me. My husband, who had the most average midwestern upper middle class upbringing imaginable, can’t actually wrap his head around it and that’s hard sometimes, but I know it’s better that he really can’t fathom the situation. This gets back to my earlier point about people being on-board with your decision. Having at least one person in your corner, so to speak, really matters.

      It’s going to be a very long journey for you, but it’s amazing when you look back on the years without that person that you’ve put behind you and realize that nothing about them affects your daily life or thoughts anymore. It took me about 10 years, and I don’t pretend that the effects are gone, but at least they aren’t getting renewed.

      I have so much more to say but I am rambling, so I’ll try and follow up more in comment responses

      1. Wow, my experience was extremely similar.

         I also cut my mom entirely out of my life in college. I had tried halfheartedly a couple of times before but finally reached my limit.

         Logistically what worked for me was to explain it to her in an email. I did it so that I didn’t have to deal with her response. I explicitly told her that I would not contact her further and that she was never to contact me again. It was a terrifying moment. She had a history of attempting suicide when I’d tried to limit our contact so I was afraid that was coming. She did try to respond several days later, which I ignored. She continued to try and contact me so I wound up changing my phone number and email address a couple of months later because it was too emotionally draining to have to keep avoiding her. My family was under strict instructions not to give her my new info.

         Ultimately it was absolutely the best thing for my own mental health. I was lucky in that my other side of the family supported me. My stepmom occasionally asked if I thought I’d ever want to rebuild a relationship but never tried to pressure me. After a few years she stopped asking.

         It’s just a fact of my life now that everyone accepts. I’m able to talk about it without getting emotional now and people don’t really press when I say it was the best thing for me. I think it is really important to have at least one person who supports your decision though so you don’t feel like you’re crazy for doing it.

   3. http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/no-contact

   4. I haven’t myself, but Captain Awkward has a ton of posts about this, if you aren’t familiar with them already.

   5. Yes, and I just…did-I really just ghosted. I had tried to talk about it with them and it ended up blowing up in my face and got really hostile, so I decided it just wasn’t worth it to try and be polite anymore. So I blocked the person on Facebook, stopped responding to emails, and didn’t answer the phone when he called. If I knew he’d be at family events, I wouldn’t go (that rarely happened since he often wasn’t free to go to events).

      It was hard, but mostly because other family members who strongly believe in “family can do no wrong and we must ban together because REASONS” thought I was being mean or unreasonable and that he wasn’t that bad. Not having people on board was brutal, but it was amazing how much lighter and more energized I felt when he wasn’t in my life.

      It sucks, but, it was the best decision for me and my mental health.

      1. Yes, I get this from other people and family members. And from friends who have good relationships with their families and don’t understand.

   6. Not permanently, but I’ve done no contact with my mother for days, weeks, months as needed. It’s mostly a tolerable relationship now because it’s on my terms. It is good to know I am strong enough to cut it off if I need to.

      I did cut off a friend last year for a couple reasons. That one still stings.

      *hugs* It’s hard. I found the raisedbynarcissists reddit helpful (and the grandparents rights one from the otherside fascinating???), and second the recommendation for Captain Awkward.

      1. I also have her blocked on all my social media. I removed people I thought might give her access to my social media. She can probably still see some things like my instagram, if she knows what that is. She’s asked me to add her back on Facebook. I always just ignore.

   7. I did but it wasn’t an immediate family member. It was an aunt (dad’s sister) who is also my godmother. One concern I had about completely blocking her was not knowing if she was escalating to a point where I needed to take further action. If she couldn’t get through to me using the usual channels, I was concerned she would try to contact me at work. All attorneys at my firm have profiles with bios so my professional life is google-able. I sent her one last email telling her that I couldn’t communicate with her anymore and would be blocking her email going forward. You might be better off just blocking without fanfare, but for reasons I don’t want to get into in too much detail, it was important for me that she know I wasn’t reading what she was sending. Basically, if she was in a true crisis and reaching out for help, I wanted her to reach out to someone who was actually receiving the email.

      I stopped going to all family functions she was at. About three years later, I wanted to attend a funeral even though she would be there. I just sat in the back instead of up front with family. I still went to the lunch after but sat with my immediate family and didn’t really talk to her beyond general pleasantries.

      My parents still talk to her about me with just general life updates but they know not to give out my address or contact info. If another family member wants to invite me to something (even though my parents know I won’t go) they will just say “oh, we are seeing her soon, just send it to us and we will drop it off.”

      My parents aren’t thrilled that I have completely cut her out but they do understand and support my decision though they won’t do the same. I also don’t try to force them to do the same. Initially, I was hurt that they would still talk to her after some of the really mean things she did to me but I get too that she is mentally ill. My dad’s approach is the Irish approach as he calls it. Not speak for awhile after the incident, then go to the next function and pretend it didn’t happen. I couldn’t do that anymore and keep my own mental health so I just cut her off completely.

   8. Yes. This was pre-Facebook and I am not currently on Facebook. I told the person over the phone that there would be no further contact. The person sent me a couple of pieces of mail, which I discarded, and a gift check for my wedding, which I did not cash. I had caller ID and stopped taking the person’s calls. Within a few months, all attempts at contact ceased. I have not had contact with the person in well over a decade.

   9. Speaking as a mom, you all are breaking my heart. I’m sorry your relationships with your moms were so damaging. I can’t imagine. I also can’t imagine losing contact with my daughter. It would be like losing a limb. Actually, worse than losing a limb.

      I cut off contact with one of my sisters about 6 months ago. She has always differentiated from the rest of us by being obnoxious. (Think Jan Brady) Relatively minor stuff as kids, but as an adult this has manifested in her being outspokenly racist, homophobic and bitingly judgmental and critical of everyone she meets.

      There were two particularly terrible group texts, including extended family, where she accused my niece of being a lesbian (she’s not, and if she were it wouldn’t be a problem for the rest of us) and told everyone that she has never liked my step-son and that he’s an a-ho le (he’s a kid, for crying out loud) When my sister responded that she was being rude, she went into a tirade about how we were always so judgmental about her.

      Truly, I felt like being in her life was making her outrageous behavior worse. It’s like she enjoys the negative attention.

      So I cut off most contact. We don’t live close to each other so it’s not like we’d run into each other, but I unfriended her on Facebook and Instagram, and I blocked her number from my texts.

      I did send her birthday and Christmas gifts because I didn’t want “my sister doesn’t send me gifts, see how she victimizes me?” to become part of the narrative.

      And now I’m willing to text her strictly about family matters but not chit chat.

      Perhaps I will backpedal someday. Perhaps I will not be able to have any contact with her at all. I’m not sure where this is headed. All I can say is that I feel better not seeing her racist crap and feel-sorry-for-me posts on Facebook every day.

      1. I’m also a mom, and a few years ago DH cut off contact with his very toxic mother. There are times when I feel sick thinking of what it would be like if my son cut me off. But I’m also not abusive towards him, and a big reason why DH cut off his mom is out of fear that she would abuse our son if left alone with him. (And many of the fights were about wanting to be left alone with our infant son and her anger that we didn’t trust her with him).

         It’s an ugly situation and I wish we weren’t in it. But it also feels like a huge weight has been lifted not having to tiptoe around and pray we don’t set off her rage trip-wires.

      2. I can see your position as a parent and how you can’t imagine, but that’s just it. You can’t – but that doesn’t make it less real. And I greatly appreciate that in your comment you didn’t try to tell anyone that they should have tried harder or done something differently and not cut that person off. That’s one of the biggest problems people in our situation seem to have with people who Just Don’t Get It – they think they can solve the problem somehow. Cutting off all contact isn’t really, for me, a ‘I have a parent with racist tendencies’ kind of level, as horrible as I think that must be, it’s a ‘you can ask the cops for the numerous police reports if you don’t believe me’ kind of situation.

         No contact is NO contact and it’s important that it be that way. I personally am more than pleased to know that it no longer matters to me one bit what that person is doing or saying in relationship to me. I don’t care what her narrative is. I have my life and it is MORE than full with what I have chosen to fill it with. There was a time where it mattered and gnawed at me, but I feel like I’ve made huge strides to be at the point where it does not.

   10. I have done this with my mother. I sort of ghosted her. There had been plenty of times I had warned her about boundaries and things I would not tolerate in our relationship and she didn’t listen.

       One thing I must mention though is that my mother and I have always had a strained relationship. She never really “felt” like my mother. She wasn’t motherly and we never bonded. She has a very serious case of bi-polar disorder which she is compliant about but it has given her an excuse to be unaccountable and a constant victim. She will purposely do things (when not manic or in a depressive state) that are harmful to her mental health (decide after 20 years that she’s not an alcoholic and can drink or that pot wouldn’t do any harm or hey let’s hang out with that abusive d*ck).

       The breaking point came in a wave of over a year. At Christmas she told me that she “felt relieved” that my dad had died (when I was 8…). My BF was sitting next to me at the time and I’m pretty sure he thought I was going to lose it. I stood up, said that we were leaving and that was it. The following April, on his anniversary, my mother called me bawling her eyes out about dad. I very calmly told her that this was inappropriate given her prior statements, that she has therapists, sponsors, friends to talk to and that I can’t be that person. That Thanksgiving she decided she was Jehova because it meant that her half sister would send her money and gifts. I was done.

       I have battled with minor depression/anxiety for my entire adult life. Some of this has been caused by her actions. It was better for my own mental health to just cut her off. My younger sister talks to her but they’ve always had a much different relationship. It is difficult because my sister doesn’t fully understand it all. There are some deep seeded abandonment issues that I have with regards to my mother as well. Ultimately, I had to fend for myself growing up. All in all, it’s been better for me.

       It is a tough situation for me to mention when people ask about my family. A lot of people don’t understand how I could cut my mother out.

   11. No personal experience, but I’m so curious that the toxic relative is almost always female and often a mother. I wonder if sons are more likely to cut off a mother, too, or a father/male relative.

       1. My husband cut his mother out of his life a couple years before we met. I have never met his mother, but he told me that she was generally toxic. Lecturing him or hours on end about how they were horrible people. It is a sad situation because we have 2 children that she doesn’t even know exist, but I know that the situation must have been terrible for him to do that, so I am supportive in every way possible (I never, ever encourage him to contact her in any way.) Sometimes there are bad people – and you have to save yourself by removing them from your life.

       2. I cut off my father. I am surprised that all the responses are about mothers.

          1. Same here. And I did it young as well. I realize it is a popular contention to believe that teens do not deserve much respect but I had earned more than he gave me and at every turn he cut me down, often publicly. He was toxic to my self esteem and when told outright that I couldn’t take it any more continued the behavior. (I could write a whole book about the whys)

             The one and only time I had doubts was when I was getting married. I asked a recently divorced father his thoughts and he told me, “if you have any doubts about him ruining your day then you can’t ask him” Since I had a mental plan in place for just such an occasion. I knew my own answer.

             having watched my ex husband with his mother, i’m not at all shocked that it is mothers that get cut off frequently.

          2. Mine is my father as well.

          3. I also cut off my father three years ago. It has been an excellent decision for my mental health.

          4. Me too. 5 years on and zero regrets (late 20s)

       3. My husband only speaks to his mother maybe once a year. We’ve been together over a decade and I met her once (not invited to our wedding). I cried afterwards because she was such a narcissist who showed zero interest in her amazing son.

4. People are often looking for book recommendations – I read Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig last weekend (it took about 90 minutes in total) and would highly recommend it. It’s a Very Important Book in my opinion, and well worth your time, especially if you or a loved one have suffered from depression.

   1. Adding to my list. TY

5. This skirt is interesting, and I almost considered ordering it (good length, washable, pretty detail) but that exposed zipper! And it’s made even worse by the long pull on the zipper–as if you are asking for someone to unzip you! What a shame that the back is styled this way.

   The Vince Camuto blazer is indeed a great basic. I bought it on sale last spring (in blue) and have been very happy with it. Fit is true to size.

   1. +1 loved the skirt and would have bought it in blue except for the exposed zipper!

   2. Same here. That zipper is just unattractive and looks like “Please unzip me!”

      1. Yes, tell me about it. This is a probelem that ONLEY we face. You do NOT see men’s clotheing with exposed zipper’s. Beside’s I would NEVER want to unzip a strange man, but this does NOT stop strange men from doeing it to us.

         Of COURSE, the exposed Zipper is an OPEN invitation to sleezes like Frank to play with our clotheing, and beleive me, he does. I learned that the hard way when he did that with a nice sweater dress with an exposed zipper. Before I knew it, he unzipped it all the way down to my tuchus. That was REALY out of line, b/c we were in HIS office and anyone comeing in would think that I GAVE him permision to undress me. FOOEY! He is also married so that realy makes it bad.

         I recomend to the HIVE that you ONLEY buy exposed zipper’s if you are MARRIED, and if you go out, wear a sweater or jacket over the skirt so that these grubbey guys can NOT get their smelley hands on your zipper to unzip it. DOUBEL FOOEY!

   3. My first thought was “that looks really uncomfortable to sit on!!” I don’t mind exposed zippers generally, they should stop before I have to sit on them.

6. I really like this skirt and wish it was offered in petite sizes. I agree that it would look great with a navy blazer. Any suggestions for something similar?

7. This is a pretty random question but I’m going to put it out there in case anyone has any advice. My SO and I are planning a trip to a bucket-list national park out west this summer. The original plan was to have a central base and then drive to day hikes, but my boyfriend decided he really wants to do a few days of through-hiking. We’re both reasonably outdoorsy and hike regularly in our local NP/National Forests/etc., but neither of us has done a serious, multi-day hike where we’d be packing all of our equipment. He’s doing a local one in April as a practice run, but I don’t think I can make it happen with work, unfortunately. The NP we’re going to is also more intimidating to me than Shenandoah, which I’ve been in and out of my whole life: grizzlies and wolves and higher elevation and more unpredictable weather! Any tips on resources to look into, other than the NPS website? Must-have gear (I know I need a pair of hiking boots and to double-check the temperature rating on my sleeping bag)? Success stories or cautionary tales?

   1. Yosemite has a campsite to campsite trail. The campsites are set up with platform tents, bedding, and dining halls so you only need to carry a day pack.

      But honestly I would just say no! To me it would ruin the trip. I’m not experienced and I’m not spending my vacation trying to figure out backpacking instead of enjoying a park I’ve always wanted to see.

      1. Not OP – that sounds so great in Yosemite! DH and I were just talking about how to go backpacking with three kids and carry all the stuff – it seemed so impossible! I had no idea about the campsite to campsite thing. Anyone know if there is anything similar in Canada’s national parks?

         1. Not sure! It’s a dream of mine to do. It is one of those things that tends to fill up the day reservations open.

         2. No idea, but if you want to look it up, this style is usually called “hut to hut” hiking. The huts may be anything from just a shelter to a full service quasi-hotel. The one at Yosemite is called the High Sierras Trail. It’s very popular, though, and has a lottery for spaces. For East Coasters, there’s a similar setup in the White Mountains.

            1. And the Adirondacks.

      2. That sounds like a really great trail for someone like me to wants to move up from the short hiking loops at the NPs to something more adventurous but isn’t ready to be a capital H Hiker. Are you or other commenters familiar with campsite-to-campsite trails at other parks?

   2. Backpacking is fun, even if it’s your first time! Be realistic about the mileage you plan on. Carrying a heavy pack is very different from a day hike (you might want to practice a bit on local day hikes to be sure you have your pack adjusted correctly before you wreck your back on the first day of the trip.) Read about “leave no trace” backpacking, which I think is required at many NPs, and plan your food and pack list carefully. Look for sleeping bags and tents designed for backpacking; they are lighter weight and pack smaller. I’d go to a local REI or similar and just ask questions. And maybe plan to car camp the first day and attend a ranger talk at the park to get local tips.

   3. I grew up in PNW and did week long hikes regularly throughout college and shortly after. Your post made me all misty-eyed because I haven’t done any of that stuff for years now … sniff ..

      REI has always been a wonderful resource for me – staff are not pushy, they can help you find what you need and often have gently-used equipment to sell at steep discounts. Tips, off the top of my head –
      – Store food up high and away from where you’re sleeping (bears).
      – Break shoes in before you go.
      – water purification tablets so you don’t have to haul all of the water you’ll need
      – pack stuff inside your backpack in large ziplocks so everything doesn’t get soaked if it rains.
      –

   4. I got into backpacking recently and love it! A few thoughts:
      – If neither of you have done much backpacking, you might want to keep your first trip relatively short – 2 nights maybe instead of a 5-night trip. You could also backpack out, stay in the same place for 2 nights and do a day hike, or do a short day hike and short backpacking hike for a day. I love being out in the wilderness but get really tired of carrying a heavy pack!
      – I ‘d second Spirograph regarding planning your mileage very conservatively. Hiking with a heavy pack is much more exhausting than day-hiking, especially if you have any elevation changes. If you’re going to be somewhere that requires you to rent/carry bear canisters – those things are really heavy! With significant elevation gain, even 6 miles was pretty exhausting for my relatively fit group at Yosemite. I try to plan under 6 miles/day with significant elevation gain, 6-10 miles/day if flat or downhill. More is certainly doable but less enjoyable.
      – Water is heavy. Bring water purification tables + research how much water is on your trail, so you don’t have to carry too much of it at once. (Some people don’t like the taste of water purified with iodine tablets – you can buy “neutralization” tablets to put in afterwards, which work amazingly well.)
      – I’ve found travel blogs to be helpful for planning my trips – if you google around for backpacking + the national park that you’re going to, you’ll probably find some good posts. Also, everytrail.com provides great detail on specific backpacking routes.
      – In terms of gear – check how much your sleeping bag and tent weigh. Think about what you want to do for food (there’s a tradeoff between lightweight vs cheap vs yummy). My favorite pieces of gear are my inflatable air pad (I think it’s the REI flash), my Mountain Hardwear ghost whisperer down jacket (you don’t need something that fancy, but I love how light and warm it is), and (totally frivolously) my titanium spork.

      My very first backpacking trip was to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. I wore sneakers, had a borrowed backpack and borrowed sleeping bag, no sleeping pad. Neither my boyfriend nor I had ever gone backpacking before. It was great! I’m happy to share more tips and gear recommendations if you want!

      1. +1

         backpacker here, cosigning all of this advice, especially the titanium spork.

         I especially recommend that if you two haven’t done this before, a 2 night trip is likely to be your best bet. If something goes wrong (stove busted, killer blisters, miserable sleep) you’re closer to getting out. Plus, your packs are less heavy which is nice.

         To estimate hike times, a decent rule of thumb is 2 miles/hour with elevation changes. That can be challenging for some people, especially depending on pack weight and elevation change.

         Chill at REI and they’ll help you get all the gear you need. Make sure your sleeping bag is appropriately rated for the low temperatures you’ll experience, and leave yourself a comfortable margin. IE- do NOT go into Grand Teton expecting your 20 year old bag rated for 40 degrees to keep you warm in 37 degree nights, even if it’s August. Make sure you have enough quickdry clothing- cotton is your enemy. Get boots with Goretex/other waterproofing. Get a light weight down puffer jacket. You’ll love it and wear it all the time when you’re home anyways :)

         Backcountry camping is wonderful and totally worth it- but it does take more careful and thoughtful planning. Particularly at the big national parks, it lets you get away from the crowds and see the great views. Make sure you look up what the requirements are for getting permits for camp sites for that park (you may need to get them in advance). Have fun!!!!

   5. You need to get bear spray and learn how to use it. Grizzlies are nothing like the little black bears at Shenandoah. For that matter, black bears in the west can be much more aggressive about getting your food than the black bears in the east.

   6. Even if you can’t do the practice run, do go on a long dayhike with all of the equipment. It takes a while to figure out the most comfortable configuration and even light things can add up to make your pack heavy. When you are shopping for equipment, pick the lightest item you can because those ounces really do add up!

   7. I agree with all the other comments, but please be careful of bears! They are really dangerous in the Canadian national parks, as well as Yellowstone. You should carry bear spray and learn how to use it. Also, consider adding another couple to your trip, because statistically the overwhelming majority of bear attacks occur on solo hikers or groups of 2.

      That said, my DH and I love camping and it sounds like you guys have a really fun trip planned! Enjoy!

   8. I grew up doing this and I love it! But it is a good idea to know what you’re doing.

      For example- if this is in bear country you need to be aware of bear safety. I camped frequently in bear country growing up and we would always tree our food, but you need to either tree it or keep it in a scent impenetrable container. Definitely NO food in the tent! Bear attacks were pretty common in my area (instead of terror safety we learned bear safety in grade school) so I’m very cautious about this.

   9. Thanks for the responses, ladies! I meant to be more active on the thread but work got busy. It seems like we’re on the right track and I’m glad that what we’re planning should be doable–we were going to do three days/two nights. Bears are 100% my biggest concern–our cute little black bears in Shenandoah are NBD unless you’re acting like a legitimate moron–and we are already planning for bear spray, food on poles, tents 100 ft away from campfire/food tree, etc. I’ll plan to swing by REI this weekend to talk to someone about the gear aspect, will look for blogs, and will plan on bringing my pack for day hikes this spring. I’m really excited about this, just also nervous since it will be my first big backpacking hike!

8. Has anyone met with a financial advisor from learnvest or one of those places? We’re trying to figure out what to do vis a vis paying off student loans and renting a bit longer in our HCOL city or buying, and, if so, refinancing maybe but keeping all or some loans, as well as just generally someone to help us come up with a financial plan and to run the numbers on various options. We have about $260k in various liquid savings which seems like a lot but also doesn’t feel like enough for some financial places. tIA!

   1. WHAT?!?!? I am glad you are getting help. That kind of cash on hand when you have student loans is insane.

      1. Hmm, unless you have some serious expenses you’re anticipating (I don’t know…out of pocket major surgery?) there is probably little reason to have that much in liquid savings, particularly since you have loans. That money would work a lot harder for you if you paid the loans off.

         1. Well, the money in part came from the sale of an inherited property. We were planning to buy something so kept it liquid. But thinking we may be better off extinguishing loans and waiting a bit longer to build up savings to buy. We have about $180 in loans would need about $200 to buy in our area.

            1. Unless buying is going to significantly reduce your housing costs from renting (or whatever you are doing now) so that you can throw more money at your student loans, pay off of the loans now and use the freed money from your student loan payment to save for the down payment. Freeing yourself from the student loan debt before taking on additional housing debt gives you options.

            2. If I woke up in your shoes, I would pay off the student loans immediately and celebrate with my spouse over a fantastic lunch!

            3. I was once in your shoes. After just letting the cash fester for a few months to avoid making rash decisions, I did the following:

               1. Consider any tax consequences of the transaction. Tuck away enough cash to take care of it.
               2. Fully fund an emergency fund.
               3. Enjoy a small splurge (we went out to dinner at a nice restaurant and sprung for a good bottle of wine).
               4. Applied the rest to a key outstanding debt.

               In your case, you might want to put a big chunk into a downpayment fund before applying the balance to your student loans.

            4. Pay off your damn loans. You are very lucky for that inheritance. You are also incredibly dumb if you don’t get rid of them ASAP.

      2. If I had that kind of cash I would not use it to pay off my student loans. I would put it in savings and use it as a down payment for when I want to buy property (later). So I don’t think there is only one answer like Anon at 10:04. I think talking to a professional is a good idea.

         1. I really do not understand how anyone can be psychologically comfortable with debt. You are kidding yourself if you think you can be long term.

            1. I’m in public service loan forgiveness so paying it off would be financially disadvantageous.

            2. And I think there are other situations – like if your interest rate on loans is really low but having a large down payment can get you out of PMI. It depends on the situation of the individual what is the best course of action.

      3. Let’s be careful giving generalized financial advice. I think the advice here probably is sound for many people, but, for instance, I have decided against paying off student loans even though I have a greater amount of liquid assets that the loan balance because the student loan rate is very low (approx. 2.5%).

         1. Right. This is why I’d like someone to run the numbers with me and maybe, say, refinance these loans at 3 percent, pay off these, have x for downpayment, y for emergency fund.

            1. Are you in NYC? I’d love to do this for you.

         2. Yeah, I was nagging my SO to prioritize his student loans until I found out they were at a 1.8% interest rate.

   2. More bad financial advice from a group of amateur advisors. Get a real one.

      1. Especially KT who has proven time and time again that she knows nothing about principles of financial mathematics.

         1. Well that’s unnecessary.

            I am the first to admit there is no one size fits all approach. It very much depends on many different variables including level of risk-aversion and overall goals.

   3. subscribing b/c i have a very similar situation/question. Have been to a few of the learnvest info sessions but haven’t pulled the trigger yet b/c of so-so online reviews. have enough financial questions/options that i’d like a professional’s opinion but not enough for some of those high minimum thresholds.

9. Help dress me, please! I’m going on a first date, afternoon coffee in Brooklyn. I’m in my 30s, generally low maintenance, short, large bust, slightly overweight. The guy is a college professor. The afternoon thing is throwing me off. If I were getting this coffee by myself I’d mosey in in jeans and a t-shirt. :) I was thinking maybe colored jeans (bright blue), a soft black buttondown, and black booties. But I really have very little fashion sense. And do I wear jewelry? Makeup?

   Incidentally, this is my ever first date after breaking up with my boyfriend, whom everyone here told me to dump after I wrote about him last month. So I’m trying to do a good job at this. Any tips about looking good without trying too hard would be welcome.

   1. That outfit sounds great! Yes to jewelry, unbutton the top enough for a bit of boob, and unless you never ever wear makeup definitely wear it!

   2. outfit sounds cute – I wouldn’t do much jewelry – maybe earrings or a chunky ring?

      only tip is to be 100% yourself – if he’s not into that – better to know right away. I realized on our first date in college that DH was a nerd in jock’s clothing – it’s still my favorite thing about him! So glad he didn’t pretend to like only ‘cool’ things.

   3. Your outfit sounds great!

      Good luck! and I agree with the advice to be yourself!

   4. Thanks, all! Fingers crossed…

10. Has anyone tried the Adea tops? Are they worth the price?

    1. I have.

       They seemed to be very small and I’d only wear as a layering piece. I have a white and black t-neck and would only wear them under something, like a closed jaket. They did not seem to be particulary warm.

       For not so tiny and more opaque and about half the price (but no t-necks), I LOVE the LBH shirts with the 3/4 sleeves. I have about 5 of them. They are sold in my tennis pro shop, but I wear mainly to work and when on work travel. They have a double-layer front. They run small (I take a M), but not super tight like I found the Adea ones.

    2. I have as well. Agreed that they are small and tight, but that makes them good for layering, IMO. I don’t think they are worth paying full price though. I found mine discounted on Amazon.

11. I have seen posts here complaining about dealing with the “friend with drama” or “depressing friend”, and I am relatively certain I have become Depressing News Friend. In the past 18 months, my MIL has had surgery for one type of cancer, my dog has been very ill with a months-long diagnosis process, my MIL was diagnosed with a second type of cancer and now my dog has cancer. What is upsetting is I can tell that some of my friends are so over it and regret that they asked. I guess my point is to say, please, only ask if you actually care. This has clarified for me who is more of a “Facebook friend” and who will actually be there.

    1. I am really sorry all of this has happened to you. My very dearest friend has had a hell of a few years – well, honestly, a hell of a past near-decade – with her mom dying, her dad in a terrible car accident and nearly dying, her brother is nuts, her dog died, intellectual property theft in the course of her work…not to get into all of it, but I do NOT call her a depressing friend or high drama friend. She is a wonderful person who has been dealt sh!tty hand by life. I am glad to listen to her and often wish I could help more.

       What I call a high drama friend or depressing friend is the one whose bed is largely of her own making, who complains about the same things while taking no steps to change the situation, who constantly drains you without any attempt to reciprocate…that doesn’t sound like you. I truly believe that many of the people on here who complained about their friends were NOT talking about someone in your situation. And I hope you can believe that too.

       That really stinks that you feel like some of your friends are “over it” – sounds like they are terrible friends. Friends know that sometimes we all have down slopes and that doesn’t mean you get to just back out of being friends. Hugs and hang in there. Glad you have some good friends, too.

       1. OP, that sucks and I’m sorry. I agree with the second paragraph. People who complain constantly about situations that they can change are (to me) very draining. But people who have had bad things happen to them are not the same.

          That said, I do have friends who are better at this sort of emotional heavy lifting than others. I have a friend who is great to have a fun dinner with, chat about our kids, talk about work “drama,” etc., but I would not go to her for deep issues. Doesn’t make my friend a bad person, just not someone that I share particularly intimate feelings with. You’re allowed to have tiers or circles of friends – this person should just be pushed to an lower tier/outer circle.

       2. Thanks. The one friend who I have had the most issue with is a Fixer by nature. I think she took offense when I kept saying no to all of the questions like, “Have you tried dog alternative medicine? Have you tried this amazing supplement?” I think I even said something like, sorry to keep ignoring your ideas, but I really just need someone to listen. Since then, she hasn’t been around as much. It just bums me out because I thought we were extremely close, but I don’t have time or head space to deal with that at the moment.

          1. Be kind. You know your friend is a fixer and that’s how she tries to help. She was trying to help and maybe from her perspective she felt like you didn’t want her help and that’s why she hasn’t been around as much. Neither of you is wrong, just be kind to her and yourself.

    2. I’ve been in your shoes – multiple (<3), simultaneous or back-to-back terminal and non-terminal cancer diagnoses in my immediate family. The duration was probably 4 years of just non-stop bad news. First and foremost, I am so very sorry and I really hope you are taking steps to take care of yourself, independent of your friends.

       I learned through my process that you don't need 10 best friends to guide you through this. You need 1 or 2 unconditional friends. That's it. Those friends do not and will not judge you for your rightful pain/stress/sadness. That means that I learned to censor my answers – when the "peripheral" friends asked how I was, I remained topical. When the 1-2 friends asked me, it was apart from the rest of the group and they wanted genuine answers, because they "got it", too. I'll also say that I am no longer friends with some of the peripheral friends any more. Going through that offered a lot of clarity around some friendships.

       As a side note, I might recommend, if you can, making 1 of these close friends someone who has had a dog. I didn't have a dog until recently, and pre-ownership would not have understood the dog's diagnosis as being that big of a deal. It sounds awful, but as a dog-loving-convert, it's the honest truth.

       1. I’ll also note that some of the “peripheral” friends were my bridesmaids. Meaning, some people simply aren’t equipped to handle that kind of news or be the level of support you’re looking for. It doesn’t inherently make them bad people. Some people, though, did react in a way that I felt wasn’t acceptable for a friendship at any meaningful level, and those are the ones I cut loose over time. Also, I never went to therapy – it’s just not for me.

    3. I lost a few friends when I was very depressed (and was in therapy). There was nothing good going on in my life and I had nothing good to say. I just learnt that most of the friendships are very superficial and work well only in good times. Now, I am going through a very rough patch, and I don’t discuss it or tell it to my friends. Even if I tell something, I don’t go into detail over it. I just pay a therapist to hear me, counsel me during difficult times.

    4. So sorry you’re going through too much. It’s nice that you have at least some friends who will hear you out. I think, though, that people can kind of turn off when they have an – “unnecessary details friend” where someone will give you a play by play of (for example) all of their health ailments. I definitely want to know when my friend is sick, but I do not need a play by play of each cough and ache and appointment and then complaining about the process of making a doctor’s appointment. I think if you are giving a lot of people details about your dog’s health and if they don’t have a pet, they probably just don’t care that much – maybe they want to offer sympathy, but they’re not as connected to it as you and just don’t get it.

       1. OP here. Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I do understand that not everyone is an animal person, but my SO and I are childfree and our dog is like a kid. I generally was only offering up these updates when people said, “How’s Pup?”, not unloading on every person I encounter. It has been a long process – at one point, she was taking 13 pills a day.

          To be clear, I haven’t written off anyone as a friend. The interactions have just made it more clear who can be there for me in that way. I also think that different people have different ideas of how to be there. My MIL is currently in the hospital and I had to practically fend off the suggestion of one person that they do laundry for us. I explained that I was in fact, doing laundry at that minute, but talking about normal things on the phone was helpful.

          1. I think this is a bit unfair – I care that my friend’s dog is sick but I’m not a dog person so I really can’t deal with all the details. So when I ask my friend about her dog and she launches into a 5 minute explanation of the dog’s medication etc., I’m going to tune out a bit. I get that you love your dog but I think it’s a bit much to expect your friends to care about the every detail of your dog’s health.

             1. I agree. I care about you and want to offer sympathy if you feel bad about your dog, but the dog is not something that I really care about myself. I might ask you how the dog is doing, but I’m really looking for a short update – not all the boring details that go on and on.

    5. I’ve complained here in the past about a dramatic friend. My dramatic friend was very much a made-her-bed-and-refuses-to-get-out-of-it person. That’s not you.

       There are a couple of times I’ve been annoyed by a friend who has ongoing (over 6 months) legitimate issues:
       (1) She refuses to talk about anything but her issues. She can’t be happy for my good news, sad for my bad news, or just hold a conversation about something neutral. Everything has to come back around to how miserable her life is.
       (2) She is unappreciative. She takes and takes and never says thank you.
       (3) Relatedly, she is self-centered and entitled. All of my free time and money must be spent trying (unsuccessfully) to make her life better. Why can I make my family dinner but I can’t make dinner for her? Why is my husband cutting our grass but not hers? She is entitled to be my #1 priority, emotionally, physically, and financially.
       (4) She never reciprocates over the years. I have a crisis in my life, she can’t hear about it because it’s too stressful for her. Note that this is not when she is mid-crisis herself, but rather recovering from a legitimate issue.

       If you’re not doing any of these things, then you have two options. You can accept the friends as they are or you can end the friendship. Personally, I would not get rid of them. I have 1-2 people who are my real shoulders to cry on. But I like to collect people I can call to meet me for a drink – the more people you have the more likely you’ll be able to find someone to go out with you when you need to get out of your head. Ask people what’s going on in their lives. Let them talk so you don’t have to.

    6. I cut off a dramatic friend a few years ago. It’s not that terrible things hadn’t actually happened to her. They did. And I was as supportive as I could be (though I am also by nature a fixer)

       But then something awful happened to me. And my friend wasn’t interested in hearing about it. She even changed the subject back to her own problems.

       It was a real lightbulb for me that our relationship was one-sided and I lessened contact with her.

    7. I think I’ve also complained about the dramatic friend.

       I didn’t intend the complaint to be about her situation (which is mostly self induced) but the way she is wallowing in it and not 1. doing anything to fix it and 2. interested in my life or being a friend to me.

       I was laid off and it was all about her. I’m having drama with my sister and she’s completely blowing me off. It is making me strongly rethink our relationship. I’ve put so much effort into her, I could use some boosting up and she is acting very self absorbed.

    8. I can totally do depressing news about family, and I can support you with the pet/fur-baby, but I really can’t relate to the animal thing at all. I’m sorry I’m a bad friend. I hope you do have supportive friends in your life, and I know you’ll get through this.

    9. When my depressing updates bring on ‘that look’ in the eyes of friends, I’ve found it helps to address it right then and there up front. I’ll say something like, “well, enough about my depressing life…let’s talk about something fun. What’s up with you?”

       That works for me.

12. What do you do when you dislike your job very much but feel stuck? In the past three years, I’ve been promoted through the ranks at my job rapidly and really loved the challenge of learning new things and taking on more responsibility. But I’ve plateaued in my role. It’s become very routine and I feel like I’m phoning it in. This is so not me.

    Normally, I’d look elsewhere. However, my industry recently took a huge hit and layoffs are happening everywhere in my city. I’m very secure in my position (for which I am grateful). Also, I’m TTC. My current role is incredibly family friendly – amazing mat leave top up, return at part time, etc. My industry is notoriously un-family friendly, so this company is the holy grail for parents. Is that enough to stay in a boring job?

    To be clear, I know it’s a privilege to be in the position I’m in, but I’d really appreciate the advice of anyone who has been in this position. Thank you!

    1. Yes–Stay in your position if the market is not great and you are hoping to have a child soon. Find your fulfillment outside of work if you need to. Volunteer, join a group, exercise, or travel. You will want the security and ease of being established in your position when you are pregnant and have a new child. If you feel like you are still up for a change and challenge after your child turns one, then look around. I’ve been in your position and am so glad I stayed put to get through the first year of my daughter’s life! After life felt more settled I switched jobs and it has worked out really well. On the other hand, my husband took a new job just before our daughter was born, and while it has been do-able, it has been rough for him. Boredom can be better than the alternative!

    2. I was and I stayed in the position. You don’t know what your TTC journey will look like. I never thought I’d need to balance IVF treatments with work but I was grateful to be in a ‘boring’ job during that stressful time.

       Parenthood is a big adjustment. I would keep the ‘boring’ job – especially with the instability and family unfriendliness in your industry. Until baby arrives use your spare time to enjoy hobbies and child free lifestyle. Post- parenthood and when your industry has stabilized then look at if you want to stay or explore other options.

    3. Find a challenge in your off time.

    4. So what don’t you like about your job? The hours? Not feeling challenged? Coworkers?

       From an internet-stranger POV, it sounds like a good job, just that you feel in a rut. Maybe take a no-contact vacation, learn new skills on the side, take up a new hobby, or launch a side gig that you’re passionate about until you decide on a next path (and see how TTC goes!)

    5. 1. Make your workspace beautiful. Make it somewhere you are happy to come and sit. Whether that means bringing in a candle (I have one on my desk that has a lid, but I never light it and just take the lid off when I’m feeling down), a colorful box of tissues, some candy, a beautiful bowl for your paperclips — DO IT. Maybe even bring in fresh flowers from Trader Joe’s (but probably don’t bring lilies in case someone’s allergic).
       2. Make your workspace practical. Bring an extra cell phone charger, chap stick, eye drops, water glass, etc., so that you feel that you have your “necessities” already there as soon as you sit down.
       3. Bring a lunchtime activity — a magazine, knitting, a book, whatever. Something decidedly NON-WORK related that you can do during lunch (whether at your desk or outside) so that you feel like you can take breaks.
       4. Start taking breaks. 10 minutes in the morning, 40 minutes at lunch, and 10 minutes in the afternoon.
       5. Ditto everyone else’s advice about outside-work activities.

       1. Oh and PS, try to shift your mindset from feeling stuck at work to feeling like you have space for other aspects of your life to grow.

    6. You might feel stuck, but if you have a baby, it will give you a different sense of meaning – maybe you will still feel unfulfilled at work, but maybe your sense of fulfillment will revolve around your child and the job will be more satisfying. Stay in the boring job until you know how you feel.

13. I could use some recommendations for wedges. I have a pair of Kate Spade wedges (I think they’re the Karolina style, which I love), but they’re wearing out and I need to replace them. I don’t see them on Kate Spade’s website anymore (or any work appropriate wedges at all), so I need some new ideas. I have a medium-to-wide foot, so Cole Haan typically doesn’t work for me. TIA!

    1. Same type of foot, and Cole Haan 1/2 size up usually works. They also make wide widths.
       I find Nine West wedges very comfortable.

    2. Cole Haan Air Tali wedges come in wide. I have a pair, though I had to use an insert (vionic slimfit) to take up some more space because the heel was somewhat wide for me. With the changes, they are actually pretty comfortable. The forefoot is stretchy, I almost think I could have gone with a regular width here.

       But, I like my Vionic inserts so much an it turns out that Vionic makes their own wide wedge. I think I will try these when my current ones wear out: http://www.6pm.com/product/8738885/color/3?zhlfid=139&kpid=36344459

    3. I have had good luck with the Talbots Porsha wedges. They come in suede and leather. I need a medium/wide toe box and these have been really comfortable.

    4. I have a pair of Tory Burch wedges that I love for work. They are the ones with the leather logo, so it’s a bit more subdued than the gold/silver logo. Not sure how they’d work with wide feet.

14. Has anyone taken Diclegis for nausea during pregnancy? I would say I have pretty standard symptoms — not throwing up very often, but constantly feel nauseous to the point that it makes it hard to focus at work. My doctor gave me a sample of Diclegis and it has made a huge difference. It is listed as a Class A drug so appears to be as safe as any drug can be. But, I don’t know anyone who has taken it and my previous doctor never mentioned it during my first pregnancy. I guess I am wondering why, if it appears to be safe and pretty effective, more people aren’t taking it. I know there were some concerns about birth defects in the past, but the studies appear to show no such link.

    1. I really wanted to and was prescribed it, and with my insurance it would have cost $450 for 30 days. So that might be why more people aren’t taking it. I was shocked – I have never had such a ridiculous co pay, and I have pretty “Cadillac” insurance.

       1. Do you have a deductible? Many health plans are changing so that drug costs are also out of pocket until you reach your plan’s deductible.

    2. I took it for several weeks. My (very good and trusted) doctor recommended it. My only regret was not knowing about even earlier in my pregnancy. Not sure why it’s not more widely used though. Insurance covered mine.

    3. I took it at 39 weeks for random nausea I was experiencing. My OB told me it was just an extended release vitamin B supplement, which is why it is classified as safe. She just gave me a sample, so no idea what the cost would be under my insurance. I’m guessing based on what it is (a vitamin supplement), that it may not work for people with full-on morning sickness.

       1. I’m not sure what you mean by “full-on morning sickness”, but it has made a huge difference in my round-the-clock nausea! Thanks to everyone for the feedback!

15. In the winter I wear a lot of fully closed cardigans (with a thermal underneath) to work with skirts or trousers as my office is really cold. I always thought this was a little smarter that a plain jumper (which to me works better with jeans as casual) – not sure why, perhaps it’s the decorative buttons on the front. I mentioned this in passing and someone whose advice I usually follow told me the exact opposite, that plain jumpers were smarter. Help. Have I been getting it wrong?

    1. Different strokes for different folks. You each have an opinion on style. As long as you feel stylish in the clothes you wear, why does it matter what this other person thinks?

       Also, different body types will look smarter in different styles – it could be that plain sweaters work for her and buttoned cardigans work for you, but trading styles (you with sweaters and her with cardigans) wouldn’t work.

       You are overthinking this.

    2. I think fully closed cardigans work fine for those who are small of bust or otherwise have great fitting cardigans. That’s not my typical experience, so I steer clear.

    3. I don’t know what you mean by “jumper.” “Jumper” to me is an overall-style dress <>

       1. British-ism for what Americans call a sweater.

       2. my understanding is Jumper means sweater in some parts of the world

       3. It may be a UK centric description … as opposed to the dress style of “jumper.”

16. So pretentious lady who smugly said to me, ‘we don’t use chemicals’.

    Yes. Yes. You do. I can almost guarantee you use at least acetic acid (aka vinegar). If you said, ‘I avoid synthetic chemicals,’ that’s cool. Also, ‘I prefer more natural substances,’ that’s also awesome. But seriously- if you have to be pretentious at least also be technically correct.

    (I did not engage and honestly- this would not have bothered me except for her attitude.). Rant over.

    1. If she breathes, she uses chemicals.

       I agree with you on this.

    2. I am so there with you. If you aren’t using chemicals, then you probably aren’t succeeding at whatever you are trying (cleaning, baking, etc.).

       Baking soda – chemical (sodium bicarbonate)
       Vinegar – chemical (5% v/v acetic acid)
       hydrogen peroxide – chemical
       soap – chemical (various formulations)
       homemade laundry detergent – chemical

    3. Ugh this mis-usage of the word “chemicals” is one of my major pet peeves!

    4. Dude, I live in Berkeley. I get this all the time.

       My anecdote is about ants. Berkeley sits atop a giant ant colony and everyone has issues keeping ant out of their homes but no one wants to use “chemicals

       The secret, these people tell me, is to use the Ant Chalk one can find know Chinatown They seem to think it’s some kind of all-natural ancient Chinese secret, when it’s really just insecticide in chalk form. And it’s outlawed because it’s so toxic. SHM

       Don’t get me started on the anti-vax crowd.

       1. (Sorry for the typos. It must be the chemicals in my iPhone)

       2. ANCIENT CHINESE SECRET?!?!

          Tea for dong!

          (Sorry, but I laughed out loud when I read ancient Chinese secret…)

    5. My husband (not a crunchy person) is all OMG CHEMICALS about various things. And yet everything is made of . . . chemicals (or stuff on the periodic table — chemical compounds? which are . . . chemicals).

       1. My theory is the lackluster science education in this country – chemicals sound scary because they are unknown and for most people, unknowable. They work in different ways and interact with living matter to different extents. So people throw up their hands and say “Scary” without understanding what they should actually be considered about.

       2. Yes. Although on the flip side, my FIL insists that everything that exists in the world is “natural” because how can it exist if nature didn’t have a hand in producing it? This is semantics, and probably his backlash to his local crunchy Californians, but it drives me crazy he’s so adamant about it. Lots of things do not actually exist without massive amounts of human intervention. Of course he would answer, “but humans are natural, so that is still part of the natural course of events.”

          He’s an engineer, FWIW. Maybe he just likes to think of everything he makes as “natural.”

    6. I remember being in a meeting of my university’s feminist student organization, and one board member was giving a presentation on all the toxic chemicals in our cosmetics, and it became clear to me that a lot of women in the room hated CHEMICALS of all kinds. Chemicals were bad, y’all! Look at all the chemicals in the things we put on, and in what we eat! So many chemicals, you guys! They almost got to me until I realized that chemicals were inevitable, and not all chemicals were bad. If you want to avoid toxic chemicals, fine, but there’s nothing progressive about fearing science.

    7. I actually think it’s pretentious of you. You know exactly what she meant by “chemical.” You’re just being a pedantic know-it-all. The clear connotation is “toxic” or “harmful” chemical. Whether they are in fact toxic or harmful, who knows. But you know what she’s trying to avoid and you’re just being a pedant. Good on you for knowing science! You probably get annoyed when “English Major” people correct your grammar.

       1. That last sentence is a weird comment to make. There isn’t some dichotomy where someone good at science must be bad at English, and vice versa.

       2. No, that’s not the connotation. And it is not a universal connotation or a useful one. The implication is that “natural” is better than “chemical”. And it’s not always. Natural doesn’t mean more effective or safer or purer. The implication is that scientific knowledge is inferior to whatever hippie green crap she found on the internet. That’s not being pedantic – that’s being precise.

          I’m curious if the English Major correcting me on my use of irregardless is the same one telling me I’m pedantic about what constitutes a “chemical”.

       3. Fully get that saying this out loud to the woman would make me sound like a pretentious jerk… Almost as pretentious as she was *trying* to sound.

          And ya know what? I absolutely love when people correct my grammar. I would rather be corrected than have my message clouded by imprecise or inaccurate use of language.

17. Is it normal to spend a small amount of your week, but fairly constant, hating your job? I love my job probably 80% of the time. But I reach a point and all of a sudden I just can’t even think; it feels like my brain is swelling and I’m tearing up and all I want to do is quit and move far away. I can power through it, but my motivating is zapped. It’s like I go from running at full speed to running through water.

    1. I can’t say whether or not it’s normal, but I could’ve written your post. With one exception– I love my job perhaps 20% of the time. I wonder ALL THE TIME how long it’d take for them to fire me if I stopped showing up (a la Office Space.)

       I’ve got a ton of flexibility, and with a 5 yr old that’s important to me and the only reason I’ve stayed as long as I have. I am now actively looking because I’ve realized that a change of scenery would probably be healthy for me, despite the (possibly) reduced flexibility that’d come with it.

    2. Eh, I don’t hate my job every week, but I’d guess I probably spend about 20-30% of the year hating my life because of my job (overworked/overstressed, sick of dealing with a*holes). A large percentage of that is BS that I think everyone has to deal with (e.g., everyone has a*holes in their life).

    3. I spend about the same amount of time hating my job. I like to think that is pretty good for BigLaw!

18. Continuing the money discussion from yesterday — how much do you save OTHER THAN 401k/IRA/retirement? Is it a set % every month, or is it more like — whatever is left over after bills and fun is saved? And more importantly, what % of that saving do you invest? I feel like from reading MMM, Frugalwoods etc. you HAVE to invest if you want to do things like retire early (bc you’ll need more than just your 401k) BUT I have never been comfortable having more than 20-25% of my savings in the market — precisely bc I always think it could go like it’s been going lately (down 6-10% YTD). I know I’m giving up growth in the good yrs by keeping 75% of my savings in low return things — CDs, money markets etc. I asked a stock broker “friend” (acquaintance type of friend) once and his response was – you should keep everything besides your emergency fund in the S&P — that sounded a bit much too me and I question whether he was trying to get me as a client. Can’t ask anyone in real life bc they’re lawyers and esp. clueless about these kinds of things – or at least act like they don’t even understand a 401k. So figured I’d ask here.

    1. Get a financial advisor. Right now, your advisor is Irrational Anxiety. There are better options.

    2. I save 10% each month for retirement, 10% for savings. Because I freelance, my income is very variable month to month, so one month I might bring in just 5,000 and the next 10,000, so I’ll take $500 to retirement and $500 to savings and so on.

       For savings, I kept my savings in a general savings account until I had 6 months’ worth of expenses covered, then I left that account (and that money) alone.

       I have a separate account where I put cash aside for expected upcoming expenses–i.e. savings for when I need to buy a new car, for instance, or a vacation. I put half my savings in here. So if I have 500 that month for savings, 250 goes here.

       After THAT, I put the other half in my “growth” fund. I do a mix of CDs (less than a quarter of my money) and ETFs. The largest portion I actually use on Lending Tree and such to give out personal loans or startup loans to individuals. There’s a bit more risk with these sorts of loans, but they’re relatively small amounts (I do loans between $300 and 1,000 only) and I’ve gotten really nice returns in short amounts of time–like 7 or 8%and it’s paid back in usually a few months to a year.

    3. I don’t. We max our 401ks, but we live in a hcola and have childcare costs 2x our mortgage. I have a pre-kid investment account that I play with a little when I want to feel like I have money, and our emergency fund/savings account is decent, but we do not actively add to it beyond what is leftover after expenses. So like when our checking account gets up to $10k after the big autopayments have come out and the CC is paid off, we move $5k into savings. This only happens every few months, recently.

       My investment account is a mix of index funds (about 60% s&p 500, 20% each mid growth and small cap) and individual stocks. The breakdown between funds and stocks started at 50/50, but I havent ever rebalanced that. Individual stocks are my “fun” money… I think of it like I went to the casino with $50, and I get to play with that and the winnings as long as it lasts.

    4. I’m in the financial industry, I manage my own money, and I have all of my non-emergency savings in the market. If you want to be able to retire, you’re going to need to invest, or you’ll end up having to save a LOT more money (this is because of compound interest). The nice thing about the market going down right now is that it’s a perfect time to put your money in the market! I know it sounds scary, but the market is volatile and is going to continue going up and down over time. Ideally you want to buy low (now) and then you’ll capture the gains as the market goes back up.

       In terms of how to put your money in the market, I used to be a big proponent of Vanguard index funds, and I still think they’re a great option, but the best place to put your money right now is Betterment or Wealthfront (often referred to as “robo-advisers”). They allocate your money for you according to your goals and risk tolerance, the fees are extremely low, and they apply a tax loss harvesting overlay that’s very helpful if you’re in a high tax bracket. My money is in Betterment, but I think they’re both good options. Pick one, call them and ask how it works (or just read the info online), and then get your account started.

       If you’re curious about how Betterment and Wealthfront work, just google them. They’ve gotten a ton of media coverage over the past year. MMM’s Betterment “test” is particularly worth reading. Just google “Mr. Money Mustache Betterment.”

       1. I’ve never heard of Betterment or Wealthfront before, but will be looking into them. Thank you!

    5. Yeah, I would get a financial adviser if you don’t want to handle the investments yourself. I don’t feel like I have the knowledge to do so. My husband used to work in banking, but he preferred I had someone outside of us handle this so they are more objective. My workplace has different advisers come in and speak to us, or others are made available to us and have particular experience dealing with people in our industry.

       On top of maxing out my 401k, I don’t save a certain percent, but I just save whatever is left over. Ends up being 4-5k. Sometimes more and sometimes less depending on vacation spending, bonuses, tax refunds, etc. I have 50k in a case savings account (not adding any more right now), and the rest in a CMA invested in a variety of mutual funds and bonds (where all of my savings is going at the moment).

19. I am a mid-level associate litigation attorney and I have an interview at a firm on Monday. The firm is much more highly regarded than my current firm, would probably result in a very significant pay bump, and the practice area is one that I have some experience in, but not a ton. I am extremely nervous, especially because I haven’t interviewed in about 5-6 years. Other than familiarizing myself with the practice area and the cases that I can find that this practice group is currently working on, anything I can/should do to prepare? Thanks!

    1. Looking up cases they’re working on is more than I would do. Is this common? If so I’ve really got to up my game….

       1. I would do that.

          1. Whoops! Thank you!

       2. That’s what I do… So maybe it’s more common? Other prep things include looking for news articles and publications by and about my intent interviewers and the firm, and framing questions about that. Spending time figuring out what I want to know about the firm that would make a difference and how to ask those questions, and preparing a few anecdotes about my favorite cases and things I achieved.

          Someone once asked me what my boss or a random co-worker he knew would say about me — so I’ve started coming up with specific answers to that question as well.

       3. Yes, definitely look this up. It shows you are very interested and take the time to do your research. Also, if you submitted a writing sample, be sure to see if any of the attorneys you are speaking with were on the cases cited in the sample. If they ask you about your writing sample/those cases, it’s a great opportunity to flatter them and then ask them questions about that case/how it relates to their current work (and the work you would be doing if you got hired).

    2. Mentally prepare a few stock answers about yourself. What’s an interesting case you’ve worked on recently? Do you have deposition experience? Think of a few short anecdotes that demonstrate good character traits, like diligence, being a team player, etc. Don’t rehearse the full answer, just have the reference ready in your own mind. It’s hard to come up with that stuff on the spot.

    3. I think the best way to prepare for an interview is to really understand your own experience and why you want to move to the new job. Have thoughtful and complete answers to their questions. Why do you want to move? What do you think the new firm will offer you that your current firm can’t? What are your skills? Why do you like your job? Where do you see your career in 10 years? Etc.

    4. Think about what questions you have about the firm — at this stage in your career, you are interviewing them to see if you want to work there as much as they are interviewing you. For me (7 years out, plaintiff side firms so YMMV) this is questions about firm decision making on new client matters, culture of collaboration vs. working independently, typical litigation/pre-litigation balance, contingency/hourly balance, supervision of associates, etc.

    5. Have a good specific answer to the question – why do you want to work here?

20. So I am in house and we are having a day where 5-10 high schoolers come in to learn about difference areas. Any fun/interactive idea for an introduction to the law for this age group?

    1. I was very interested in law in high school (not a lawyer now), and I would have been super into a comparison between TV law (ala Law and Order, Suits, Good Wife, etc.) vs. real life law. I can see how you could easily make that interactive. Also, I always wished that there had been a “know your legal rights” class. Like how long police can detain, when they can search with/without your permission, when/how restraining orders are used, when you can/cannot sue, etc. I was a good kid who didn’t drink/party, but I would have ate all of that stuff up. Actually, I’m 28 and I still would! :)

       1. The ACLU has materials on this – and they’re targeted to youth.

    2. Can you talk to them about how they don’t have to talk to police? Show them the ACLU app they can download on their phones to record and report behavior? ACS Constitution in the Classroom might have some resources. You can talk about Tinker – that’s about high school.

    3. My friend is a high school teacher and does a career day twice a year, which I have volunteered to speak at every year for the last 4 years. I did criminal defense for 3 years, but 3 years ago moved to transactional law at a firm and then in-house for a specific niche industry. All the students want to hear about/ask questions about is my experience in criminal law. It’s an inner-city school and many of these students have had run-ins with the law, and some have family members in gangs, so I think that is part of it (no judgment, I had my fair share of alcohol-related offenses in high school). But a lot of it is just that this is the most interesting area for a lot of people (not just kids).

    4. When I did a career day at school, I taught the kids about negotiation and then had them do a negotiation with a peer. It went over well.

    5. When I was in high school, I was on the mock trial team and it was a lot of fun. If they’re there all day, you could stage a mini mock trial with a dramatic and slightly ridiculous case. There was a site where the competition cases were posted, which you could re-use.

       Other interesting stuff to talk about – what happens after you get arrested, how do bail bonds work, what happens when someone sues you, etc?

21. Is it appropriate to send someone a congratulatory note for deciding to be a SAHM? I’m on my second biglaw firm. A colleague from my old firm also left a few years ago for another biglaw firm. As is my habit, I sent her a congratulatory note when she got the new job. She and I were not close, but we would see each other maybe once a year or so at various events and we’re facebook friends. She always seemed unhappy in biglaw. I recently learned that she decided to not come back from mat leave so she could stay at home with her new baby. I’m incredibly happy for her and wish her and her family nothing but the best.

    If she had changed jobs, I would send her a congratulatory note like I did last time. But I wonder if it’s appropriate to send a note for this type of job change. I don’t want it to come off as snarky. Also, there’s a small chance that it was not really her decision to not come back to work; everything I’ve heard suggests that it WAS her decision, but it would be horribly embarrassing if I essentially congratulated her on getting laid off. Thoughts?

    1. Sounds like you are overthinking it. Just drop her an email, letting her know that you’re happy for her, and asking her to stay in touch.

       My guess is that she would be more worried about current biglaw types thinking of her as a freak or a wash-out than about a genuine wish for her happiness. She is also probably worried about letting contacts lapse in case she needs or wants to work again.

       1. Yes to all of this. I voluntarily left my job last summer to spend time with my kids before launching a new job search. I worry about everything Bridget mentions, and I think very warmly of the people who took the time to wish me the best in my next step/ask to stay in touch.

    2. I see how this could come off as snarky, but also see how this could be incredibly thoughtful and appreciated (especially because it’s hard to keep up a network). I would write: “Congratulations on starting this new chapter in your life! Wishing you all the best! Keep in touch, Anonymous” (and include your personal email/phone number)

    3. I’m in Big Law, thinking about doing something similar and I would love a “go you!” type note, because there is so much judgment in Big Law about SAHMs. I think it’s a nice idea. I agree with Bridget, just keep it brief and kind of vague, say you’re happy to hear about her next steps, hope she loves the time with her babe and you’d like to stay in touch (so she feels comfortable reaching out to you if/when she wants to get back in the workforce without explicitly saying that, which could be kind of condescending).

22. Interview help – I’m in BigLaw and interviewing next week at a boutique practice with a tiny headcount (4 at the moment, they are looking to double that, though the head office in another country has 20+ fee earners). I have been toying with the idea of moving for a while but haven’t really known where I would want to go. I’m in a niche practice with few feasible options beyond the usual BigLaw places so this seemed like something worth pursuing.

    Predictably, my main issue for wanting to move on is the amount of time I spend at work and the out-of-hours stuff. I like the work, I like the people, I just don’t like four-hour-conference calls on a Sunday or getting home after dinner to log on (or not being able to reliably go to dinner). There’s no hours target at the new firm and they have a reputation for generally having normal-person working hours.

    The trouble is, when he asks me why I want to go from BigLaw to a small firm, I can’t exactly say ‘so I don’t have to work so hard’. How have others leaving BigLaw dealt with this? I don’t want better work-life balance to be the only thing I can say about wanting to join, but that’s basically it at the moment!

    1. Not leaving BigLaw, but in my interview for my finance job, they obviously asked me why that part of the industry, and I said that, to be completely honest, the idea of being able to work really hard from 9 til 5.30 and then go home and have a life outside of work was really attractive to me.
       I got the role and they said in their feedback that they were impressed with my honesty and saw me as the kind of person they wanted working for them.

    2. I think you can say that you aren’t necessarily looking to move except for the right opportunity – you enjoy your work and your colleagues, but this firm looked like a great opportunity to build a practice in your niche area with interesting work.

    3. I was you about 9 months ago. I stressed in my interview with the boutique firm that while I liked my work and the people, I really didn’t like the politics and bureaucracy of trying to make partner at a BigLaw firm. The client base at the boutique firm is also a little more diverse, since they aren’t charging BigLaw rates, so I also talked about how it would be cool to work with different types of clients as well. I got the job and am generally a lot happier now – I wish the best for you!

23. In LOVE with this dress: http://www.amazon.com/Elie-Tahari-Womens-Keagan-Dress/dp/B017E0GS5O/ref=pd_sim_sbs_193_4?ie=UTF8&dpID=31BRWHjP%2B1L&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL200_SR154%2C200_&refRID=1DHPA3JFES58J9RSWQQ4

    Why don’t I have a life where this dress makes sense??? Anyone have any $50 versions so I can play bohemian cool hippy on weekends?

    1. Because I couldn’t leave it alone, here’s some Forever 21 options for myself. :)

       http://www.forever21.com/Product/Product.aspx?BR=f21&Category=dress_midi-maxi&ProductID=2000168980&VariantID=

       http://www.forever21.com/Product/Product.aspx?BR=f21&Category=dress_midi-maxi&ProductID=2000152291&VariantID=

       http://www.forever21.com/Product/Product.aspx?BR=f21&Category=dress_midi-maxi&ProductID=2000152192&VariantID=

       http://www.forever21.com/Product/Product.aspx?BR=f21&Category=dress_midi-maxi&ProductID=2000169256&VariantID=

       1. Ok, that first one is adorable. Going to Spain at the end of March and have just convinced myself I need it, so thank you :)

24. Ladies,

    I wanted to thank you all for the kindness, commiseration, advice, and thought-provoking questions and input you all sent my way yesterday on my post about my former husband’s remarriage. And I realized that, although I went anon for that…I don’t really have anything to be ashamed of and I want to offer this thanks in my “real” thissite persona. You all helped me to realize that the gender of his new partner actually did matter to me, because of the emotional wringer I’d already been through in terms of reconciling myself to his s*xuality. I’d been downplaying how I felt about that piece – as I’d often tried to downplay the impact of his coming out process – and I need to be honest with myself about how I’m feeling.

    Thank you, again.

    1. I’m glad you posted a follow-up because I wasn’t around yesterday and wanted to share a story. My first husband and I divorced a while back due to his depression issues. Everyone (including my mom!) was so concerned about him, how he was doing, is he going to be ok, etc. He got all of the emotional support because of his depression, and I was expected to just be fine and get over it on my own. It was awful. And I still get upset thinking about it years later.

       So lots of hugs to you — the fact that your ex is getting remarried to a woman now is total baloney and you have every right to be upset.

    2. Kudos for delurking cbackson. Your feelings are perfectly justified and I’m glad that this community allowed you to understand better how you feel. Stay strong.

       1. +1. I hope you’re feeling better today.

25. Thank you for your comments. Just wanted to send a quick update as I did figure out the trigger. After a good night’s sleep I feel better today.

    As for the trigger… being an adult is hard!! I’m at a point in my career where I need to make choices about how I am outwardly presenting myself (on Twitter, in person, etc.). This is causing me to possibly need to shift parts of my identity basically. In addition, there has been a lot of self reflection about things that I feel I need to change (more like things I need to move away from – drinking, being lazy re: fitness, etc.). On top of all that my boss is suggesting that I do a 360. I’ve been at my job for only a year and I know that I have a few areas to work on. It’s not a common practice at my company to do 360s so I feel extremely vulnerable.

    Ultimately, after discussing with my good friend who happens to be our HR Director, it’s all a lot for me. I’m trying to do a lot of things all at once that are intrinsically tied to my identity as I see it. I feel like this all sounds whiny but almost immediately after discussing, I felt a bit better.

26. Can we talk utility bills? I’m a new homeowner and this past winter our gas bill averaged around $130 a month and our electric bill (just power I think since we have a gas furnace and water heater) averaged around $80 a month. Those numbers seem super high to me, but I’ve always lived in a one bedroom apartment and have no idea how much heating a two story single family home should cost. Our winter this year was also abnormally mild, so I fear our bills will be significantly more next year. We typically keep the house around 67-68 when we’re awake and 62 when we’re sleeping.

    1. How big and how old is your house, and roughly where are you located? Those numbers seem reasonable to me. I’m in a 1000 sq ft house in the Northeast and I would guess that my bills are only slightly lower than that on average (though we generally keep the house a little bit warmer.)

    2. Rates vary wildly from one location to another and also from home to home (new homes now are so soo much more efficient than even those from 10 years ago, much less 50 or 100), but this sounds perfectly normal compared to the rates for my 2001-built 1200 sq ft ranch home in Raleigh.

    3. Where do you live? Utilities can vary a lot by location.

    4. I’m in the Chicagoland area but not super close to the city; 2,300 square foot house that was built in 2000. Sounds like it’s not out of line. Thanks for the anecdata!

       1. Slightly smaller house, Chicago area. We spent $2150 for combined gas & electric in 2015, so average $180/month combined. You can hire someone to do an energy audit for you – they inspect the house and find spots that can be insulated, sealed, etc.

       2. Also in Chicago, smaller and older house, and ours is about $200 combined. Electrical is higher than gas though, and we can’t figure out where all of that is going… Summer of course increases electrical a lot with AC.

          We just spent a few thousand re-insulating the attic (blow in) and resealing in that area. It lowered the bills a little.

    5. That seems pretty reasonable to me. We live in a 150-year-old, 3-story (plus basement), ~1500 sf rowhome in Philly, primarily gas-powered (radiator heat, water heater, dryer, and stovetop are gas; oven (not used that often) and (obviously) all other misc. appliances are electric).

       Our electric bill remains fairly constant until it’s AC time, about $70-80 per month. December bill was pretty low – maybe $100 for gas. January’s was higher – I think $160 for gas.

       Jury’s still out on February but I’m sure it will be somewhat higher thanks to the bitter cold we had last week.

    6. Those rates seem highly reasonable to me. Similar to or even slightly less than what we pay in a 2,000 sf house built around 2000 in the upper south.

    7. I’m in a 3000 sq ft house with a medium decent level of insulation in Massachusetts. Our gas bill has been $200-400/month since Dec. electricity is more like $100-140 with the high end being summer when our window unit ACs are going.

       We used to live in a 1000sq ft one story poorly insulated house and we paid an absurd amount. It was oil and not really apples-to-apples, but even our oil co told us we were using the amount of heat most 1800sq ft homes use….and we kept the temp LOW (65 during the day when we were home, 63 at night and when we were out.)

    8. Those amounts sound typical to me although it depends on the size of your house and utility rates in your area. My average combined gas/electric is around $180-190 for 2100 sf split-level house. Gas is a lot higher in the winter from heating and electric is a lot higher in summer from AC.

    9. The total on your electric bill probably includes both electric and gas. It seems normal to me – you can check what your rate is and in some states, shop around for the best one. You can also look at improving areas where insulation may be deficient – if you have a Victorian you are probably poorly insulated at best, if you have a newly built house you are probably fine. If you walk around and check on a cold day, you may be able to tell if there’s no insulation around your windows, etc, or do some caulking if there is cold air coming out.

       Also, if you are not aware, you should have your gas furnace regularly serviced (every 1-2 years). I didn’t know and it took me about 10 years to figure it out, when my furnace stopped working due to neglected maintenance. It wasn’t anything a regular maintenance appointment didn’t fix, something just needed to be cleaned, but if I had known it wouldn’t have happened.

27. I’m a junior associate in Biglaw, and I was wondering what strategies you all have for slowing down at work. I am usually under pressure to produce work quickly, and I tend to err on the side of sending things out quickly instead of triple checking my work.

    I am trying to implement checklists for the types of documents and research that I work on (I’m in corporate). Are there other things you do to make sure that you are being deliberate and covering all your bases?

    1. I’m not in biglaw, but I’m used to working for super high-paced companies with tight deadlines, and it’s easy to make stupid mistakes.

       After I finish something and I have the urge to send it out, I force myself to take the finger off the button and take a break from that project. If I have time, I’ll eat lunch or take a 5 minutes walk. If it’s a crazy day, I’ll work on something else for a half-hour. Taking that time away allows me to come back to it with fresher eyes to see where I screwed up, and for some reason stops that OMG I MUST SEND NOWWW feeling.

       Also, checklist helps!

    2. Force yourself to print and read documents before you send them. Turn your back to the computer screen, have the document in hand, and read it word for word. It’ll take a little extra time, but you will inevitably catch errors you wouldn’t have otherwise.

       1. Yeah, this. I print, and then I use a colored pen to mark up my drafts as well, and then enter those edits.

    3. It’s hard to edit your own work/catch typos. Is your assistant good at proof-reading? Have him/her read through the documents before you send them. It’s not reading for content so it’s easier to catch missing words, punctuation, inconsistent defined terms, etc.

    4. For typos, read the document backwards. They jump out better than way.

    5. I use checklists, which are indeed very helpful. I also keep a post-it on my monitor noting the typos/mistakes I am prone to make. I read it before hitting send on emails. Also, before I turn anything in, I read my notes about the assignment one last time. As a junior lawyer, I was surprised by how many times I had inadvertently left out a point the senior attorney asked about in my hurry to send out a quick response. Or I realized I could draft my response more directly after refreshing my memory about the specific question asked. Finally, try printing or reading your final work product aloud to catch any mistakes.

28. Has anyone tried drinking tea that’s an appetite suppressant for losing weight? Did it work?

    1. It’s flavored water. It won’t work.

    2. It’s tea. It’s water. It won’t do anything except make you less thirsty.

       1. Oops. Duplicate. Sorry. I don’t care that strongly about this.

          1. lol

             I have never tried tea-as-weightloss, but I do find it excellent for just keeping me occupied when I’m really more bored than hungry.

    3. Drinking more non-diuretic liquids than you’re used to will help alleviate I-think-I’m-hungry-but-actually-I’m thirsty eating, bored eating, habit eating, and overall health, and drinking teas that taste herbal often have an appetite suppressing effect just because they taste “clean” to me.

       It’s not magic, but as long as the tea is hydrating, it probably won’t hurt. Just be careful with the ingredients, read up on them, make sure they are ok for you. Herbs are, in fact, not just “flavorings,” and some may have drug interactions with other meds you’re taking or unintended side effects. Eg: drinking multiple cups of rosehip tea a day has a proven increased risk effect for spontaneous miscarriage. If you’re getting something from Whole Foods or another grocery store though, you’re probably fine, as mass-marketed things are unlikely to have contraindicated interactions.

    4. I’ve used tea to lose weight but not any specific type of tea. For me, drinking a hot cup of tea lets me evaluate whether I am really hungry or just snacking out of boredom, stress, etc.

    5. I think there might be some kind of diuretic in it, in which case you may lose water weight but you’ll get it right back. The idea of drinking more water is a good one though, and I’ve had success with trying to drink a glass before eating anything and also having some sparkling water makes you feel fuller as well.

    6. I like mint herbal tea in the afternoons, which helps suppress my inclination to go eat a 4 pm cookie. And I like various kinds of “sleepy” teas in the evening, to suppress my inclination to go eat a 10 pm cookie. Apparently, I need cookie-suppressant teas.

29. Doing a low carb thing to jump start my weight loss/ atone for the holiday excesses.

    I could use suggestions for :

    Snacks
    Work from home lunch
    Meals kids like that are low carb friendly

    Thanks in advance!

    1. When I’m trying to jumpstart weight loss, I do a lot of veggie-based soups. Make huge pots on Sunday and eat it throughout the week. I just use veggie stock, mushrooms, onions, carrots, squash, zucchini and spices, but you can really experiment with different combinations.

    2. Eggs in a variety of forms.

    3. Nick’s Sticks. They’re salty so they might not jump start weight loss but they’re delicious and no carb.

    4. Prosciutto and a snack mozzarella cheese
       Cobb salads (yum)

    5. Danon Light and Fit Greek Yogurt
       Part skim mozzarella string cheese
       Baby bell light cheese

       Those were all suggestions from my doctor. She has me eating a protein serving and 1-2 servings of carbs (15g carb = 1 serving) for breakfast, snack of protein and carb, lunch of protein, veggies, and 1-2 carbs, and dinner of protein and veggies. I can have another protein snack at night but no carb servings after 6pm. It’s been working pretty well for me. Sadly the cheese always loses me points for the Whole Life Challenge.

       For dinner we’ve been having salmon, chicken breasts with Italian seasonings, rotisserie chicken, sometimes ground beef with taco seasoning mixed into a sort of taco salad. For the taco salad you could separate some out for yourself and add kidney beans and/or crushed tortilla chips for the kids.

       Lunch is normally leftovers and adding fruit or a salad with grilled chicken and fruit.

    6. The WeightWatchers cookbooks are pretty good for this kind of thing. I’m not on WW but still use them as a source for healthy, easy recipes.

    7. Cheese, veggie sticks, nuts, eggs for snacks
       Salads or omelettes for lunch at home
       Kid friendly dinners– chicken and veggies plus rice/bread/or potato for the kids, spaghetti with regular noodles for the kids and spiralized zucchini for the low-carb person, frittata (or just eggs cooked to order) with toast or hashbrowns for the kids, my kids won’t eat salmon so I will make salmon for me and my husband and either chicken with BBQ sauce or homemade chicken nuggets for the kids plus a veggie and a carb for them. My kids also like fajitas so I make mine a salad and they do theirs with a tortilla or tacos or burrito bowls where I make mine a salad. I basically put lots of things on lettuce, haha.

    8. Snacks: cheese stick, nuts, piece of fruit, yogurt, spoonful of peanut butter

30. I am an attorney who has been practicing for about 5 years, but looking to transition to a different, but somewhat related practice area. About a year ago, I came across a small firm (3 partners, about 4 associates) in my area that is EXACTLY in line with my interests. I sent a cold email to the Senior Partner telling him about myself and my interest in his firm with a copy of my resume and asked him to keep me in mind if he had any openings. He emailed me back and said that he was not looking to hire anyone at that time, but invited me to come in and meet with him. I did so and the meeting went really well. We talked for over 2 hours and I was very upfront about my interest and he recognized that although I don’t have a ton of experience in his practice area, I have some good connections and could be valuable to his firm.

    Then, about 4 months later he emailed me and asked me to have lunch with him. (In the interim I had referred a few clients to him, which he thanked me for by email). At our lunch meeting, he told me that he was very interested in hiring me for a specific department at his firm, but that he wanted to take a look at their numbers through the end of the year to make sure they could justify the cost. Then he said he would get back in touch with me, assuming I was still interested.

    Well, it is now the end of February and I have not heard from him. He did send a tin with goodies to my office at Christmas and has emailed me a few times about a client I referred to him previously, but nothing about the position. I am assuming that he is not going to make an offer, but should I reach out to him and if so, what do I say? I am still very interested in his firm, but I also don’t want to undersell myself.

    1. It sounds like they do not have a need for another attorney now. Maybe a big case/deal they thought was going to come in did not, maybe someone they thought was going to leave did not leave, who knows. I think it is out of your hands. You are doing all that you can do – you cannot get a position if there isn’t the work to justify paying for another person. Can you contact other firms that do this work, too? There must be more than one firm that does the same type of work. Then, if you are still interested in this firm, you can tell this guy that you have an offer for another firm so you are interested in finding out where they are in the process.

31. I want to thank those of you who provided advice and comfort in response to my comment over the weekend about not being happy in my relationship about my potentially/likely emotionally abusive boyfriend.

    We had yet another fight yesterday because “my behavior necessitated it.” We are LD and he was supposed to come here this weekend. I told him not to, which we of course fought about and he told me I was a liar and a con-artist. After some back and forth where he clearly refused to listen to me, I finally told him it was not the right relationship for me. I honestly have no idea if he will still try to show up, but I don’t plan on being around to find out.

    Thank you all again for your kind words and advice.

    1. Good riddance! Good work.

    2. You deserve way better treatment than this.

    3. Your “behavior necessitated it?” No, it didn’t. You’re not a tantrum-throwing two-year-old, and he is a doosh. Congratulations for taking this step for yourself.

    4. Good for you! Just in case you need validation from an internet stranger, that behavior is totally not normal, not acceptable and….. just don’t believe what he says and stay strong .

    5. You did the right thing! Push through and you will be so happy you said good riddance!

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