Suit of the Week: Talbots

91 Comments

1. I’m going to be in NYC next week for client meetings. I’m from a warm weather state and don’t really have any nice wool coats suited for an East Coast winter. Would a coat like the one below be okay for going from office to office in between meetings? I would take it off before I got up to each client’s floor. I’d prefer not to drop a few hundred dollars on a wool coat if I don’t have to, but I will so as to not seem unprofessional.

   http://www.zappos.com/cole-haan-chevron-quilted-hooded-single-breasted-lightweight-packable-down-black

   1. Uh, I wear a down jacket to work every day it is cold enough to justify doing so.

   2. Perfectly fine. Also, be sure to check the weather. I’m in Boston and it’s going to be 60 tomorrow. It was -12 two weeks ago. Just make sure a coat like this is necessary (and it may be) before you make the purchase.

   3. It’s fine. Everyone wears down coats in the winter and people understand the perils of commuting on foot.

2. Have any of you ever traveled to see the Northern Lights? I unexpectedly have a few weeks free in March, and am thinking of making a trip to Yellowknife, Canada. Love the outdoors, don’t mind the cold…any tips or warnings are welcome!

   1. The Northern Lights are beautiful, but I don’t know that I’d go to Yellowknife to see them (apologies to anyone who lives there!).
      Is there a specific, other reason you picked Yellowknife?

      1. Just based on lists on the internet of where to see the Lights, and seemed (relatively) accessible by plane and affordable compared to other places…Open to alternative suggestions though!!

         1. Iceland for me. It was amazing!

            1. +1 – Iceland was awesome, and a perfect destination to see the lights.

         2. I have insight and bias having lived in Yellowknife for 15 years. There’s a well-established aurora tourism industry that caters almost-exclusively to Japanese, Chinese, and Koreans. If you stay for 3 nights or longer you have a 95% chance of seeing the northern lights.

            Other things to do in Yellowknife in the winter: walk through historic old town, visit museum showcasing mining and bush pilot heritage, drive on ice road, go ice fishing, go snowmobiling, get pulled in a sled behind a dog team, go on scenic helicopter or bush plane flight, go cross country skiing, shop for local diamonds, experience aboriginal culture…

            Yellowknife is a quirky place, a mix of gold mining frontier town, government center, and urban sophistication.

            It’s a great time to visit Canada given the relative strength of the US dollar!

   2. I would only go to Yellowknife if you’re really into the outdoors. There’s not much else to do/see there. Also, it will be REALLY cold in March.

   3. I just got back from Iceland. Unfortunately, the days we were there, were not as high on the scale. I THINK we saw tiny bit but would love to have seen more

   4. I grew up in the North of Canada and the northern lights shone much of the winter (it was light all summer so rarely dark enough to see them). When I turned 18 and moved away it took me a long time to stop feeling like the sky looked empty. I’ve never gone anywhere else to see them but I personally think they are one of the wonders of our world and think a trip somewhere to see them would definitely be worth it.

      It is cold, but when I was a kid we would drive outside the city and snuggle under piles of blankets and sleeping bags with thermoses of hot chocolate and I always felt warm and cozy. You just have to be prepared for it and dress appropriately. And if you are driving on your own make sure you have an emergency kit in the vehicle.

      Other things that I loved to do (in case the lights aren’t enough to fill your time:)
      – snow-shoeing
      – dog-sledding
      – take a snowmobile out. It doesn’t take long to get a little ways away from these towns, and when you are out in the tundra under the stars racing over endless white snow, you feel like the only person on earth. It’s pretty magical
      – ice fishing- i never really liked catching the fish, but I did like making a fire on the ice (it was so thick it would never melt through it) and sitting around the fire roasting hot dogs and marshmallows and telling stories while my dad fished. Some people also use huts which might be warmer
      – try some local aboriginal foods!

      I hope you enjoy wherever you end up going!

3. Quick help, I posted yesterday about husband’s friend and a lady I know possibly meeting up tonight. He can’t go, I’m planning to FB message her but I want to be very clear it is because he has something else to do and it isn’t because of her. Can you help with wording? I don’t have any other contact info for her so FB message is my only option.

   Hi, it was so much fun talking to you last week. We talked about meeting up again tonight but Friend has something going on and won’t be able to…. THIS IS WHERE I’M STUCK

   1. Can you offer an alternative date?

   2. make it. I’ll try to reschedule for another date, will let you know.

   3. …make it. Can we reschedule?

   4. Done. No idea if she is the type to analyze every word (I am) hopefully if she is she’ll ask for clarification.

   5. How about :

      “Hi, it was great chatting with you last week [‘so much fun’ strikes me as a bit strong less it was really amazing]. DH and I will be there again tonight but Friend can’t make it this time. Look forward to seeing you later.”

      Friend can’t make it because he has other plans but I don’t think you know/need to emphasize that those plans are changeable (if they are).

   6. Ugh. She already replied, cheerier than me and she is going there anyway with another friend, who it is possible he knows. I hope she didn’t do the whole date prepping thing all week and I just wrecked it.

      1. I feel like you’re putting a LOT of pressure on what you otherwise described as a no-pressure intro to this guy. In all kindness, RELAX! It was a good faith gestures on your part, and for very reasonable reasons it didn’t work out this time. She’s a big girl; she’ll be ok.

         1. You’re right, thanks!

         2. Yes – you’re sweet to be so concerned, but I usually find it harder when the person doing the intro tries so hard to stage-manage it for me.

   7. join us tonight as he already had other plans. Maybe we’ll try another week? I’d still love it if you joined us for dinner/drinks/whatever the plan was. -SA

4. My straightener kicked the bucket the other day and I am on the hunt for a replacement… I have been loyal to GHD for the last several years but am wondering if there is anything better out there.

   My hair is naturally wavy (2a I believe?) so if any other curly heads have a specific recommendation that would be great. Thanks!

   1. I have very thick, coarse, curly, stubborn hair and I love my Babyliss flat iron. It was pricey but worth the investment. Mine is professional grade, I got it at one of those salon supply shops.

   2. I had a professional grade CHI but it was 5 or more years old. I traded my daughter for her revlon skinny one and I really like it.

   3. I loved my Ultra Chi-but ever since Japanese Straightening I don’t need it anymore :)

   4. GHD platinum can’t be beat.

   5. I have had Chis and GHDs and much prefer my GHD.

5. Mercer released their annual quality of living rankings today. How do we feel about it? The highest US city is SF (28) with all major Canadian cities beating it (Vancouver, Toronto, Ottawa, and Montreal). The rest of the top 30 are all EU/NZ/Aus.

   1. Don’t really care.

   2. Based on everything I’ve ever read on this s i t e and the national media, I would rather cut off a limb with a rusty hacksaw than live in SF. Yall can keep your international-level whatever; I will enjoy my cheap rent and walk commute.

      1. But I am 0% surprised that everything else on the list is outside of the US. We suck at quality of life.

      2. Agreed.

   3. I went to Australia this past summer and it was amazing. I have no problem imagining Sydney or anywhere up near the Great Barrier Reef is one of the best places in the world to live. I loved it and would live there in a second if I could.

   4. Zero relevance to me. Hate Montreal. Ottowa is pointless Vancouver is too expensive. SF is dirty, crowded, expensive, and has terrible public schools. This list is obviously not based on the factors I consider important in a city.

      1. haha. wow. “pointless.” the point is that it’s a city that people live their lives in? I am certain the “point” of the city isn’t its relevance to you.

         I think this is humorous.

6. Just started getting really serious with a guy, and I’m so ridiculously, stupidly in love. We have similar interests and values, get along with each other’s friends and family, are completely honest, and respect and value each other in a way I have never experienced. We also both have really weird, niche interests that we share. Everything’s been going great, except he says he doesn’t think he want kids. He says they’re still a possibility, but he’s always leaned towards no. He’s on board with us getting married, though. I was surprised because he knows I definitely want them, have been clear about that, and he’s been doing stuff like introducing me to his family, planning 6+ month vacations, and talking which cities we want to live in. When I asked why he doesn’t want kids, he says he feels like they will keep him from being really successful in his career, and the next five years are crucial in terms of his advancement. I am definitely not ready, professionally, financially, or emotionally, for kids in the next five years, and given the choice between conceiving now or waiting and possibly not being able to conceive naturally/easily/at all, I’d still rather wait.

   Do I even bother to have the conversation of “We can work together on kids not holding back your career” or is this just blowing smoke? Given that there’s no guarantee I’ll find another love of my life or that I’ll be able to have children at all, it seems like my worst case scenario between a) staying and b) leaving are a) staying together, working towards having a rewarding life without being given the option to even try to be a parent despite really wanting that, and b) being alone and still not being able to be a parent.

   1. You need to find out if it’s “don’t want kids in the next 5 years” or “probably doesn’t want kids ever”. If it’s the second, I would not stay together hoping he changes his mind.

      Also considering his views on career over kids in terms of importance, you may end up being the primary parent – you need to decide if that’s okay with you. Have a discussion with him about what parenthood looks like – does he expect you to stay home with the kids/work but do all drop offs/pick ups/other – guys often don’t think about this stuff or talk about it but you will get a sense from his reactions/gut instincts what kind of coparent he will be.

      1. I would actually take it a little further than Anon at 3:34. I dont’ know your age or career goals, but assume that you are in your mid 20’s to early 30s.

         True, he might decide that in 7 years, he is where he wants to be in his career and wants to have a family, but the idea that he is waffling on the issue should give you pause if you KNOW you want kids someday.

         I think you have to decide whether or not you can live with the idea of not having kids ever, because that’s the worst case scenario here ( the potential “price of admission”). You don’t want to be married 7 years from now, be emotionally ready and wanting a child and for him to still say “Nope, I am still not where I want to be in a career.” (Whether it is objectively true that a child will hurt his career is an entirely different story).

         If you can’t live with the worst case scenario, then get out soon, because you are otherwise prolonging the inevitable.

   2. What about having a conversation about kids period, without the impact on career? Like “If you didn’t have to worry about career implications, would you want kids?” “what about the idea of kids gives you pause/makes you hesitant?” Has he spent any time around children of various ages?

      Because it sounds like he’s avoiding the question – kids won’t work now/next 5 years, so he’s not even going to think about it? And to some degree, he doesn’t have to worry about it, because he’s not the one physically gestating.

      1. I think your second paragraph is really the crux of the issue. He just wants to avoid the question.

         1. Which can be an answer in itself.

      2. I mean, I kind of get it. I have a hard time thinking/planning in more than 5-year increments. Beyond that there just too many variables to do any reliable planning. So, he may be so focused on the next 5 years that he hasn’t decided what he wants the next 10-20 years to look like.

         Which may be where the “if work was not any issue/in an ideal world” scenario comes in – acknowledge that it’s not realistic, but you are trying to getting his opinion on a issue without be deflected by other issues.

   3. 1. Is this a dealbreaker?
      2. Is it going to change?

   4. I think it really matters how old you are, unfortunately. If you are in your mid to late 20s, you can wait a couple of years and see if his views have changed at all. I think if you’re over 30 (not a hard deadline, just an approximation), you have much less time to figure this out, as you will have much less time to find another potential partner if he ends up deciding he really doesn’t want kids and you do.

      I will say that I actually think it’s great that his reason for not wanting kids is that he thinks it might hold him back from career ambitions, because it shows that he views himself as needing to be a part of kids’ lives if he does have them. For many guys, the interplay between kids and work is a non-issue because they assume that their wives will make any needed career sacrifices for them to achieve whatever they want.

   5. So, I’ve been your boyfriend. When I got married at 24, I have crystal clear memories of the priest asking me if I wanted children. I answered, “Ehh, in 7-10 years.” I knew deep down that kids weren’t for me, but everyone in the universe told me I’d want kids someday, so I hedged to keep my options open. By the time I was 31, my husband was desperate for kids. To make a long, heart wrenching story short, we ended up getting a divorce two years after that. (The fact that he had decided over the years that he wanted to have 4 kids AND move back to his tiny, rural hometown where the only occupation is farming didn’t help.) We ultimately decided it wasn’t fair to the other person to make that person compromise SO much of who they were – him rural and family-oriented, me urban and career-oriented.

      But here’s the thing. I’ve been divorced for a while now and I’ve met someone amazing. While I know my ex-H will be a wonderful father someday, he wouldn’t have been the right parenting partner for ME. When I think about my current partner, having kids seems wonderful and exciting and something I very much want to do…feelings I never felt in an entire decade with my ex. But even still, when I think about kids in any context other than my current partner, kids are a hard no for me. It’s not a biological clock thing for me – it’s the person I’m with.

      I don’t think this helps you much, but maybe it’s food for thought.

      1. I should add that I was STUNNED when I realized I was open to having kids with my current partner. You could have knocked me over with a feather. It came up in the “Well, what if there’s an accident?” context. It took me a week to wrap my head around the answer my heart was telling me – that not only would I not run screaming for the hills, I’d actually be excited if it happened.

         1. Sane thing happened to me. I never wanted kids AT ALL until I met my husband. By then it was a dicey proposition b/c I was in my late 30s, and when I had a hard time getting pregnant I was pretty devastated. We are extremely lucky to have a gorgeous 4 year old today, and are thinking of adopting (!).

            I also had the converse experience: the BF before my husband adamantly did NOT want kids… but via social media, I know he has at least one, so he just didn’t want kids with ME.

            This question is important to get sorted out before you start planning engagement/ wedding. With us, my H definitely wanted kids, and I was a bit on the fence, but excited about the prospect of kids with him. We clarified this before getting engaged, and indeed, largely got married for our (future) kids’ sake.

      2. I kind of resonate with your second paragraph. I’ve always felt very clear on not having kids, even though I like them in small doses and looked forward to playing auntie to my BFFs’ kiddos. Then I met my current SO, who is 100% committed to having children. Over time I’ve realized that I could see myself having kids *with him* even though the thought of procreating with any of my previous partners makes me break out in a cold sweat, and I still don’t think my body came with a biological clock installed. I’m more “well, I guess we could do this at some point” than excited and eager, but that alone is a 180 degree reversal. Which is of course not to say that everyone will change their minds on this, because they won’t, but it can happen.

         1. I’m afraid I’m being too conceited, but it does SEEM like he’s open to it with me because it’s me. In previous terrible relationships (his friends and family make a point to tell me how great I am and when his sister has a couple drinks tells me horror stories), he was a definitely no, absolutely not on kids.

         2. Me too. I am pretty anti-kids, but I would consider them with my partner and him only.

      3. I was the opposite… Soon-to-be ex always said he wanted kids, just later. That was fine with me because I wasn’t ready. Fast forward to 9 years of marriage, in my mid-30s, I was ready to have kids and he decided he never wanted them, that was a deal breaker.

   6. Take this with a grain of salt, but here is my story: My husband and I met 16 years ago, married twelve years ago. When we talked about kids before getting married, he was meh or not for a while and I wanted children. After we had been married for two years, I started pushing for an answer. I wasn’t ready to have kids, but I needed to know whether it was a firm no. He stuck with “not right now” for years. Six years into our marriage, we had our first child. We have two children: two gorgeous funny little people ages 2.5 and 5. In my memory, on each of the days of their birth, I remember the world changing in the most wonderful way. It was a before and after moment for me. For my husband… it was not. He loves our children, but they are not the center of his world like they are mine. Without a doubt, I am the default parent for everything. It all falls into my lap and I am full-time lawyer. This difference in priorities has caused major problems in our relationship, and I have come very close to leaving, with the children, multiple times.

      I wanted to be a parent, love my children with everything I am and would not change the course of events for the world. However, I wish I had realized that my husband’s attitude was not a reflection of youth and would not change with time. We are trying to work through it, but this is not what I thought I had signed up for. I thought he would come around and change with time. I guess I’m saying that if this is his attitude now, explore whether you are willing to solo/default parent all the time down the road if things don’t change. (And don’t underestimate the toll, physical and emotional, that being the default with another perfectly capable adult in the house will take.)

      1. +1. Our backstory is different, but being the default parent (and also having the more demanding career) is backbreaking. On paper, my spouse does half of the kid stuff (e.g., he drops off at school; I pick up) but in practice his 50% is much less demanding than mine because the kids much prefer to be with me.

      2. Yay! I love Talbot’s and this pant’s suit– but I must show it to Rosa, b/c I must wear dresses to court. As for the OP, this is a great story. Personaly, I would love to have kid’s and at my age need to do it quick. I wish I knew back when I was 25 what I know NOW about men. If I did, I would have married a nerdy guy from GW who now has his own company with 33 employee’s in Alexeandria. He also MARRIED a woman I remember from school and has 4 kid’s. She has been busy as a SAHM, and I have heard they are VERY happy. He probabley would have MARRIED me, but I did NOT give him the time of day, perferring bad boy’s who are now total loosers. Women, heed my advice, and hook up with the nerdy guys. 10 years from now, they will be sucesful, and you will be happy NOT workeing like a dog, like I do. FOOEY!

   7. I would love to have kids with DH but he’s still not ready and we’ve been together a long time and had one pregnancy scare so I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the possibility that having biological children may not be in the cards for us. And despite my desire to have kids, I realized I’m pretty okay with it not turning out the way I’d always envisioned it. Perhaps I’ll get pregnant, perhaps we’ll adopt, perhaps we’ll be okay with being aunt and uncle but it isn’t the dealbreaker I always thought it was. You may end up changing your mind too. It doesn’t sound to me like this is a big enough deal for you right now to cut your losses but that you may want to keep it on your radar while you figure out what you really want.

   8. I dated a guy who was very upfront about not wanting to have kids, ever, and he had even had a vasectomy. It really forced the issue for me – I had previously been agnostic on the issue, thinking it was something I would figure out with the person I was with. It took me a few months of hard thinking, but I realized that I did not want the decision to already be made for me the way it was with this guy. I broke up with him which was very sad but definitely the right thing for me. And it was a very grown-up reason for breaking up, so we’ve stayed friends. (Secretly I still have a bit of a crush on him though, so I’m limiting contact so that it can die down.)

7. Friendly reminder tips for public speaking:

   Rehearse what you’re going to say ahead of time, even if it’s only a quick run-through in your mind in the elevator.

   Do NOT read the slides to your audience. Paraphrase them.

   Break yourself of verbal ticks. If you say “um” every other word, you’re going to come across as less than capable, and that’s not what you want.

   Please, for all that is good on this earth, do.not.upspeak. If you upspeak in your daily life, ugh, fine, but if you get in front of a room full of professionals to make a presentation and end every sentence as a question, you’re going to come across as less than capable, and that’s not what you want.

   If your natural voice is quite high and girly sounding, consider dropping half an octave when speaking in front of a large audience. Speak from your diaphragm. This will help your voice carry.

   Speak so that others can hear you. If you’re presenting using your regular conversational volume, you won’t be heard in a room full of 50 people. Yes, speaking at a good volume means you will have eyes on you. But guess what, eyes are on you regardless; at least if people can hear you, they’ll pay attention to your words instead of staring blankly at you and critiquing your outfit.

   Signed,
   The woman who just listened to a 45 year old woman who’s regularly called on to speak for my division do all of the above in a presentation to the mostly male board. Please, ladies, we can do better!

   1. Some of this advice is fine, but I do NOT agree that women need to make their voices sound like men to be heard. Speak in your natural voice at a proper volume and you’ll be fine. The only thing that makes a bad speech worse is attempting to overcorrect for something natural about you (whether it’s trying to look taller in ridiculous heels, wearing an outfit that doesn’t flatter you just because it’s more technically professional, trying to come off as boisterous when you’re naturally reserved, or whatever). Clearly people are going to be critical no matter what.

      1. Cosign. HATE the idea that female verbal mannerisms like upspeak are unprofessional. Because the reason that they’re “unprofessional” is that they’re associated with women.

         1. +1000.

         2. I disagree with this, because while upspeak is more common in women, in my eyes it’s unprofessional because it appears young and unconfident, not because it is a female verbal mannerism.

            I am working right now with a young man who is a recent college graduate on being aware of how he sounds when he uses upspeak in a meeting, especially with our bosses or customers. If you are actually asking a question, fine, let your voice raise and make it obviously a question. If you are making a statement in an unconfident way, you either need to decide you are confident about the statement and drop the upspeak, you need to rephrase as an actual question or you need to keep the comment to yourself until you can get an answer from someone who knows outside of that meeting. Upspeak makes you look unsure of yourself, and that is my main problem with it.

            1. +1. I work with a lot of young, fresh out of college types. Many of them-both men and women-upspeak, especially when they aren’t 100% confident. It is really distracting and a total “tell” that I need to fact check whatever they just said. I get that some people just talk like this all the time, but I don’t know that from one presentation; at best it annoys me, and I usually also assume the person is out of his depth.

      2. But upspeak IS unprofessional- no matter who does it. Just like saying “um” too often. I’ve heard some men do it, too, and it’s unprofessional there. Plain and simple, when you end your statements sounding like you are asking a question, it sounds like you are not confident in what you are saying. It’s confusing. Be who you are while adopting techniques that help your audience. (My voice is naturally high and gets higher and faster when I am nervous – I focus on breathing lower so my voice is lower. It’s still my natural voice because it’s within my natural octave, but it’s harder for people to understand me when it’s high and fast. Likewise for men who mumble or speak softly or too quickly, they should also adopt techniques to help their audiences.)

   2. You know what I hate, is when people don’t use the sound system. At my kids’ high school orientation this week, the English department held an information session in a large auditorium, complete with a podium, microphone, and speakers. The first teacher used the mic and was easy to hear and understand. The next 3 teachers instead decided to pace the stage and walk around, and since they don’t have a walking mic, they did not use the sound system and I could not hear them. I’d much rather have the speaker use the mic than walk around the stage.

      1. I’m obnoxious about this, but I’d email the principal about it. Many members of my family and friend circle have hearing loss, and some of them use devices that pick up audio through the sound system. Not speaking into the microphone means those people can’t hear you, even if the audience with average hearing can.

         I’m also the obnoxious person about this in our city’s town hall meetings, because the meetings are also recorded and shown on the local cable channels and streamed online. Not speaking into the microphone means that your voice didn’t get recorded, so now the viewing audience outside of the room can’t hear you, and it also means that the person making a transcription of the meeting is likely to miss something you said.

         Rant over, but please, if microphones are provided, use them. Don’t say “can everyone hear me?” outside of the microphone and make the one hard of hearing kid stand up and say “actually, no, I can’t”

8. I have decided to cut my hair super short. I have a chin length bob now but want to go gamine-length. I’m looking for pictures of short haircuts to show my stylist. Has anyone seen a great cut on a celebrity or in a catalog that I should consider?

   I have wavy (when longer–the parts near my head are straight) hair that is fine, but lots of it.

   Thanks!

   1. Do a pinterest search for short hair or pixie cuts… you will find hundreds.

   2. Look for pictures of Anne Hathaway and Michelle Williams when they had short hair. Really beautiful cuts. They were my inspiration when I cut my BSL hair off.

   3. Evan Rachel Wood’s haircut was GORGEOUS. It was longer on top and she has wavy hair, so she could look sort of edgy one day and super pixie-like and feminine the next.

   4. Audrey Tautou has great hair. I’d like to do her cut on myself, but I think my face is a little too round right now.

   5. Emma Watson’s post-HP chop – I really loved it on her.

      Other classics:
      Mia Farrow in Rosemary’s Baby – the classic and perpetual America’s Next Top Model amusement
      Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday

   6. Thanks everyone!These are great inspirations!

      1. I have the exact same hair type as you do. Back in December I cut my bellybutton length hair into the style that Anne Hathaway had at the 2013 BAFTA’s:

         https://www.google.ca/search?q=anne+hathaway+2013+bafta%27s&biw=1366&bih=673&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiF6J3Q9pHLAhXBlx4KHVFfDPEQ_AUIBigB

         Because my hair is fine this cut works really well because the back and sides are longer so they look thicker, if that makes any sense.

9. I recently had an opportunity to speak with some very influential people in my state bar about gender equality issues. This came up organically as part of a networking hour before an event. I was able to get one good point across – it’s great that we now have almost as many women as men in our bar but things aren’t exactly “right” until we see more women partners. I also should have added and more women in non “pink” practice groups.

   The very influential person said something like “I don’t know how you women are able to do it.” I really wanted to respond with “the same way the men are able to do it” considering that many women do it by having a supportive husband at home or with hired help. I didn’t end up getting to make that point and in retrospect I’m not sure if it would have helped or hurt the cause. I feel like the cause is divided between “be family friendly” and women can do everything men can do without special accommodations and I don’t want to alienate either side.

   I think the best answer is to have family friendly policies that both genders utilize.

   I have such mixed feelings because I want to be mad at the “how you women do it” comment — do we ask that of the dad’s? But I also want to recognize that the struggle is real and many women are trying to figure out how to do it. When I ran this by my husband, he thinks we do say to dad’s “how do you do it all” but I’m not sure I’ve ever seen it.

   If you had a chance to respond to that comment, knowing you were speaking to someone big (think governor or head justice) who was open to criticism on the issue but has been a very helpful ally that you don’t want to alienate, how would you have responded?

   1. I think “the same way men do it” would have been a perfectly appropriate response. I always hope that is respond like that but sometimes I get caught off guard and wouldn’t be able to.

      I’m curious how you did respond in the moment.

      1. I didn’t end up responding because other people in the circle started talking first. I believe the person who started talking talked about his wife who decided to opt out once they had their third kid.

   2. I didn’t take the comment as being offensive. Even with a great partner, it seems that more of the child responsibilities fall on women. My SO tries to help but when our son wakes up in the middle of the night, he wants me. Ultimately I think it is more of a struggle for moms than dads.

      1. And carrying the baby. I have had people get irritated when someone express respect at work for a pregnant woman being able to keep up, like we should all be treated the same. But at the same time, it is super hard to be pregnant and working full time, and it’s nice to have someone acknowledge that. I see both sides, so I honestly think this is not something that we should fight about. If someone has what is essentially a harmless and even thoughtful comment, we should just let it go.

      2. But I think this is an example of how men can bear equal responsibilities with the right set up. DH and I alternate nights getting up with the kids. One weekend night each plus two weekday nights each plus alternate Sunday nights. The kids know that if they wake up, the parent who comes is who they get. We tell them before they go to bed whose turn it is to get up. They might not get their preferred parent but they also learn that when mom and dad both work, mom’s sleep is as important as Dad’s. We’ve done this since they were infants. When I was nursing – DH got up, brought me the baby and put him back to bed afterwards.

   3. You’re exactly right that the answer is to have family friendly policies that both genders utilize. People ask “how do women do it” because they assume women are doing all the Family Stuff (which we often are). I think I would want to respond by saying something like “That’s exactly the question I wish we didn’t have to ask– instead of wondering how women do it, we should make our industry conducive to both men and women playing equal roles in their families.”

      You identify the issue as “family friendly” v. women not needing special accomodations, and I often see that divide in practice. But why is “family friendly” only for women? Being family friendly should not be considered a special accomodation for women. It should be a culture in a firm or industry that applies to all employees, not just moms.

10. This suit seems matronly to me. I do love that Talbots provides so many options for their suits.

    1. To you it seems matronly. To me it seems too reminiscent of Tennessee Williams or To Kill a Mockingbird. Wearing it would instantly transport me to an unbearably hot, humid southern courtroom at the height of segregation.

11. Long time lurker but not much of a poster. I was just successful at negotiating a small but significant aspect of a new job in academics, which I may not have had the courage to do but for the encouragement I’ve seen here. I avoid conflict and thought “wow, they want to hire me at all, I’m so lucky!” so my first instinct had been to take the first offer. Glad I asked! Thank you hive!

    1. Congratulations!

12. I’m headed to a conference in Austin tomorrow. Are people still wearing boots & tights? Or should I go for bare legs & spring shoes?

    1. A cold front came through that brought the lows down into the high 30s/low 40s, which is definitely tights weather in Texas, even when the mid-day high is in the 70s.

       1. Thanks!

          1. I’ll add that it should be warmer by the end of the weekend, so if you’re staying through Sunday, bring some fun spring clothes too.

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