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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
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The sweater is $329, marked down from $525, and it’s a part of the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale. It comes in plus sizes 1X-3X and straight sizes XXS-XL.
A more affordable version is available from Madewell; it's organic cotton and comes in sizes XXS–XL in three colors for $128. A plus-size option comes from Lands' End; it's $42.95 in 1X–3X in six colors, as well as straight sizes).
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Tummy tuck
After a 130 lb weight loss, I’m having a fleur de lis tummy tuck with muscle repair on Wednesday. I THINK I’m mostly prepared but would love last minute suggestions for must-have items from anyone who has done anything similar. I have family who will be staying with me and helping me and I’ve taken two weeks completely off work followed by two more weeks of complete work from home. I have a recliner and walker.
Anon
A family member had a tummy tuck and required 24-hr medication maintenance for the first week, because she was a bit out of it on painkillers. At the very least ask your caregivers to keep a time log of medications. The sooner you can move about however slowly the better, for blood clot risk and for proper healing. Carrying a pillow around against your stomach may help. Also try to avoid comedies and other hilarious things in the first two weeks of recovery – laughing can hurt!
Anonymous
I had laproscopic surgery on my ascending colon so not the same, but a lot of the same region of the body. Buy a wedge pillow. Being able to roll to your side to slowly make it to stand was a must. Was seriously the biggest factor in my comfort and post-surgery mobility and only heard about it via a friend (none of my docs or nurses mentioned).
Senior Attorney
Good luck!! I’ve been where you are and I am still thrilled with the results 10 years later!!
You are smart to take that much time off work, so you’re starting out ahead of the game as far as I’m concerned. My only other suggestion is to not be too anxous to get rid of the surgical drains. I had mine removed too soon and ended up with fluid buildup that had to be drained by a needle and believe me that you don’t want to get involved with that.
Also, get up and walk as soon as you can. It will really help with all aspects of your healing — physical and mental.
Tummy Tuck
After a 130 lb weight loss, I’m having a fleur de lis tummy tuck with muscle repair on Wednesday. I THINK I’m mostly prepared but would love last minute suggestions for must-have items from anyone who has done anything similar. I have family who will be staying with me and helping me and I’ve taken two weeks completely off work followed by two more weeks of complete work from home. I have a recliner and walker. I’m in good health, 50 years old, 5’7, and 135 lbs. I had a brachioplasty last year with great results but this is a much bigger procedure.
Anon
Buy or borrow a wedge pillow. They’re cheap and worth the money. Stool softener and plenty of foods you like that have good fiber – salads, etc – so you don’t have to do much work to move food through. Even though they’re not puncturing your abdominal wall I don’t think, everything will be tender.
Anon
+1
Great advice.
Miralax is your friend.
Cerulean
I haven’t been through abdominal surgery, but No-Rinse shampoo is amazing if you aren’t able to shower right away!
Anon
This is a great idea.
When we couldn’t shower for a period after an illness, we ordered those No-rinse or Medline brand “shower caps” that are embedded with no rinse shampoo. Massage all over, remove, dry with a towel. Also purchased the bed bath cleaning no-rinse cloths (“bathing wipes” on Amaz0n) to do a simple “bed bath”, when getting into the shower was too hard. So nice and convenient.
AnonNoVa
I had an abdominal hysterectomy in the fall, and agree 100% with the wedge pillow recommendations, plus rolling sideways to get out of bed. Also, if you have space, a mini-fridge wherever you’ll be recovering. Plus one of those grabber things. After the first few days I found both very helpful to increase my independence. I was recuperating upstairs, and didn’t always feel like texting someone downstairs to ask them to bring me something to drink, etc.
anon
My sister in law is having an affair with a married man. They’re both in their 40s. He’s married (with kids), she’s not. She’s totally infatuated, he’s infatuated with what I presume is the fantasy of her, and I am nauseated by all of it. I’m a mother to three young kids and I think it’s disgusting that he sees her as his freedom fantasy, and that she’s so self absorbed she doesn’t care about his wife and just likes the attention. I’m going to see both of them tonight at a charity event. Any tips for getting through this? All I can think of are the snarky things I want to say!
Anon
Wow — charity begins at home is lost on them, no? Try to be so busy deciding who most deserves to have a drink thrown on them that you don’t throw a drink on either. You will be there with your husband — what does he think (if he knows)? And is this couple going together or will the wife be there?
Anonymous
Can you not go? Why be around these low-lifes.
Anon
I’d leave your judgy pants at home. She’s not doing this at you.
anon
IDK, she’s put her SIL in a pretty awkward position by even knowing this exists.
Anon
Right? I’d wear my best sparkly judgy pants and judgy earrings also. If you can’t be judgy in this, life is just a series of equally valid choices, no?
TBH, dude is worse because he is the one who made vows to someone (SIL did not). Still a fine point to put on a grim situation.
Anon
Nah people are allowed to judge people for having affairs. It’s shitty.
Anon
Yea this is a really bad situation that will more than likely end very badly for SIL. I would tell her to end it or he needs to leave his wife immediately or make it very clear to her that you will not be there for her when it all comes crumbling down. The other woman often gets “left” for the wife because it’s easier than going through a whole divorce, etc. For tonight, I’d try to ignore them as much as possible. I’m assuming they are both just attending and not attending together because that would be weird.
anon
I’m guessing since it’s OP’s SIL and not sister that OP was never there for her to begin with.
I can understand the desire to be judgmental but we live in a world full of people who make bad choices. OP, your goal should be to not embarrass yourself tonight. You can’t control them, but if you cause a scene you will be the one regretting it in the morning, not them.
PolyD
That’s really good advice – don’t embarrass yourself. Really, what good would it do to make a public or semi-public scene about the situation anyway?
NYCer
Agreed. Say hi if you see them, but otherwise just try to busy yourself with other guests at the event. OP, there is nothing to be gained for you from being cold or snarky in public.
Flats Only
This is great advice. Life is not an episode of Real Housewives, so no “confronting”, no matter how tempting it might be!
Anonymous
We found the cheater in the group.
Anon
Nah I agree. No good is going to come from calling them out at an event. It’s just going to drive them into each other more. “No one understands our love.” They know it’s wrong. It’s not OP’s job to educate them.
anon
Ugh, I would feel equally disgusted. I think my plan of attack would be polite, but cool. Stop by, say hello, then get the heck away from the pair and interact with others.
Anon
+1
Anon
Agree. I just don’t think there are many points to be won by throwing a tantrum in a public space, or even just quietly saying cutting things to another person in public. I would just be perfectly polite (but not warm) to them and try to spend as little time as possible in their airspace.
Privately, if the opportunity arose I would tell my sister “I think what you’re doing is a bad idea and there’s potential for a lot of people to get hurt by your actions, including you.” And if she doesn’t want to listen – que sera, sera. Some people seem to enjoy playing life on hard mode, and you can’t do anything about it.
Anon
I don’t think doing anything publicly will accomplish anything — it’s more likely to cause her to dig her heels in further. What I would do is privately communicate to her that you think this is all terrible — for her, him, and his family — and that you will fully support her in ending this as soon as possible. And follow through — on the back end of this, she might realize what an idiot/ass she was when she was doing this, and it’s important to give her grace once she realizes that and support her in making amends or just moving forward, rather than beating her up further. Of course, if she has a history of this kind of behavior, she may never get there.
Also, is there some other crisis going on in her life? In my experience, affairs are often the equivalent of a teenager acting out when something is deeply wrong and is not being addressed.
Anonymous
Just be polite and busy with other people.
Cat
No one is going to think better of you if you are visibly cold or snarky to either of them in public. Greet them politely and try to focus on chatting with others or meeting new people to occupy your thoughts.
Anon
+1
I would be just as upset as you.
I would be civil with her in public, but would avoid them.
When I had a friend in a similar relationship, our friendship eventually dissolved. In my friend’s case, her behaviors (repeat affairs with much older married men) reflected a severe mental illness going back to rough childhood issues with abandonment. It was extremely sad, and in many ways, it allowed me some grace in how I saw her. Women who are just purely selfish and don’t care about anything other than their own happiness/needs…. to me, that is more pathologic. That is the kind of friend I might drop like a rock.
Anonymous
Serious advice would be to lay off the booze. Strong feelings and alcohol do not mix well. Please don’t ask me how I know.
Anon
I would probably greet them neutrally and ask him how his wife and kids are doing. But my life decisions aren’t always the greatest so…..
anon
That would be like throwing a hand grenade into the situation. LOL. I’m here for it because I don’t have much sympathy for cheaters, but …
Anon
We should be friends.
Anon
A female attorney was on a panel and mentioned that if she is ever in an uncomfortable position with a superior, basically getting hit on, she gets out of it by asking about their wife and kids. I would 100% do this tonight!! Haha
Annon
I would say nothing, it’s likely to become a painful situation down the road, but it’s theirs obviously. They are living a fantasy, if you are secretly wishing that they get their punishment, the odds are that they eventually will. I would be polite and mingle elsewhere.
Anon
Is the wife going to be there? If not, are the two of them going together???
I understand why this would be really hard. In my experience, people are paying attention to their own selves and circles during these things, so I wouldn’t even feel the need to seek them out to say hi or anything. I doubt anyone would notice. If you do encounter them, just say hi and then remember that it’s time for you to check on an item you bid on or get a drink refill or whatever.
This whole thing reminds me of the end of my marriage. My ex husband was cheating on me, and we went to a party (at his insistence) where his affair partner was also a guest. I had no idea. It had started by that time, and looking back on that party is mental torture. There’s nothing anyone else could have done that night for me, but just ugh. What a terrible situation they’ve heaped on the people who know.
And for the person who said she shouldn’t be judgy— I believe that if people don’t want to be judged for this, then they shouldn’t have affairs. There are many reasons it’s frowned upon!
Anon
“I believe that if people don’t want to be judged for this, then they shouldn’t have affairs”
+1 million
Anon
This. If someone is at the point of having a long-term affair, they need to have a bare minimum of respect for the person they married and get a divorce (or at least a separation).
Anon
Eh, shrug. Unpopular opinion but I just don’t care if someone else has an affair or not. Unless it’s my spouse, then I care. But others in the world? Not my circus.
Anon
That’s fine, of course. I’m just saying it’s not unreasonable for one to judge someone else who is intentionally hurting another person.
Anon
Same anon as above— I also wanted to clarify that I don’t mean anyone should have to wear a scarlet A or that OP should be rude to anyone. But I do think it’s perfectly valid to think, “I don’t condone that behavior and I don’t want to be around those people because of it.”
Anon
I feel the exact same way. I just do not care about whether other people are having affairs.
Anon
Strangers? Do not care. A SIL in my city at an event I am at? Ew; unsubscribe. I remind myself that my time on earth is finite and I won’t get back any minutes spent with or over her, so will spend the time with DH and literally any other person or going to refresh my drink or to the ladies.
Anon
So do you not usual empathize with other people?
I feel like this sort of outlook on life – I don’t care about anything that doesn’t affect me/my family – is sad. And it underlies a lot about what is going on in our current society’s decline.
PLB
I’m not Anon @ 11:36 but I can’t be bothered enough to be mad or upset when people cheat either. I think it’s wrong and trifling but I’m not losing sleep over it.
Anon
I agree.
Anonymous
My advice would be different if SIL were married. Not that’s it’s ok to be an ap but she didn’t make vows to anyone and he’s probably told her a lot of lies about why his situation is different. She’s being manipulated by someone who claims to love her, someone who will take her out in public to charity events like they’re a legitimate couple, but it’s all lies and she’s being and will continue to be mistreated even if she doesn’t see it yet. It’s a bit easier to feel sympathy for someone in SIL’s position than someone in the dude’s position. This will go badly one day and she will need the support of her family because she might not have anyone left.
Anon
I agree with this. Turns out that people who cheat on their spouses are capable of a tremendous amount of manipulation and dishonesty – who would have thought???
Trixie
Remind her that in these situations there is no “happily ever after,” no “happy ending.” the mistress gets dumped, or the wife and kids are devastated, and have to figure ut how to co-parent for the rest of their lives with this albatross around their necks, forever. It is never worth it for anyone. and OP, I think you get one heart to heart conversation with her over this, and then forget it. And I hope your husband knows…she is his sister.
Cerulean
I’m just amazed that they’re attending a very public event together!
anon
OP here. Thanks all for the responses. I know in my heart I need to just keep quiet and pretend like this is fine. I’ll likely be polite but a bit chilly and simply do my best to limit my interactions with them. I do not think his wife will be in attendance but I’m not sure.
SIL does have a history of making poor choices when it comes to men. I know this will end poorly for her and when it does, it’s not likely that I really will “be there” for her. Maybe that’s mean but she’s 44 years old and old enough to understand consequences. Understand if others feel differently on that point though.
Anon
One of the members of my extended family carried on an affair with the same woman for like twenty years. Not only did the attend events together, they wound up in the town’s weekly paper (photograph of CFO James Doe at Fancy Gala Fundraiser with Jane Jones). His wife hit the roof and he old him that she could handle the affair but couldn’t handle her friends opening up the paper to see that.
Annon
It’s been my experience that people having affairs are sometimes woefully unaware of how obvious it is to other people that they are involved. And or they feel entitled to do whatever they want. Both attitudes reflect a significant lack of self awareness (among other things).
Anon
Obviously you’re allowed to judge, but the thing with being openly snarky, especially at a public event, is it won’t do you any good. They’re not going to suddenly realize they shouldn’t be doing this. They’ll be defensive and probably double down on their actions.
Anon
Be polite but focus on mingling with others and if you feel upset or angry don’t drink! Also I would tell my husband and if he isn’t as emotionally invested as me, ask him to be a buffer – if they approach he can do most of the talking and also rescue you and lead you away when you’re uncomfortable (“hey, we need to go say hi to x,” “let’s check out this thing” “hey, we are supposed to call the sitter right now and say goodnight to the kids!”). And you’ll also know you have someone to talk to about it on the way home!
Anonie
IMO you need to think of yourself and your marriage first and foremost. Don’t do something that puts your own family’s happiness in jeopardy. So, how does your spouse want you to handle it? (If you don’t know, ask.)
Also, the fact that you know her level of infatuation, his level of infatuation, etc. shows that there have not been appropriate boundaries here. Time to set some. Next time your SIL starts talking about how infatuated she is with this man, cut it off and let her know that you love her and wish her all the best, but you’re not really comfortable discussing her relationship in detail. But make sure your spouse is aligned with this approach first, and maybe even have them deliver the message.
Nesprin
Be polite, non-committal and come back to share the snark with us plz.
anon
Yes. I’m also curious how much your DH knows about this, and how he feels about the whole situation. If one of my siblings were publicly carrying on with a married person, I would be livid.
Anon
Omg yes, definitely want the update here!!
anon
Help from NYers– my boyfriend and I are in Westchester and I’m trying to think of something fun/special/nice to do for his birthday (he is turning 52, we are both divorced with teens). We like to go exploring drivable distances (spend a day in Beacon or New Hope for example) and we like to eat, try new restaurants etc. We also go into the city, go to museums/ experiences (we’ve been to color factory, museum of broadway, the klimt light show and all the more established museums). Any suggestions for 1) a good restaurant to go to with the kids (not crazy expensive) and 2) an activity for just the two of us. Thanks!
Cat
Take the train down to Philly for the day? Amtrak makes it super easy. You could do museums or history for culture and then we have an awesome restaurant scene that has nothing to do with cheesesteaks.
Anon
+1
Anon
I love Philly but I’m also there pretty often from NYC. I’d also consider something like Newport, RI or Boston. As far as restaurants, I think NYC restaurant is coming up, which would be fun for the kids.
Cat
Oh I thought the OP was only interested in day trips based on the description of ‘driveable’ — Newport would be really fun if spending a little longer!
AIMS
Not sure how far away you want to go and how much time you have to plan but Lazer Wolf in Williamsburg is great for a special occasion if you can get a reservation (they open 3 weeks in advance, I think) – the views are out of this world amazing (esp. if you time it to catch the sunset), the food is great (rare for a restaurant that could survive on views) and the prices are actually reasonable for the experience. Fun with kids or without.
Museum of the City of NY is fun and not something a lot of people visit. Lots of places to eat nearby, too. You could also do a picnic in the park, either somewhere in Central Park or in the Conservatory Garden (105th and 5th – easier without kids since it’s not peruse designed for picnics; but gorgeous and worth a visit). There are companies that will set up a whole beautiful picnic for you, blanket and pillows included, or you can get something to go at one of the many fancy food shops nearby (i’d go with one of Eli Zabar’s places).
Or get some Korean BBQ with the kids – delicious and very fun with a bigger group.
Depending on your budget, you could also do something like go on a boat cruise around Manhattan or on a hot air balloon ride (upstate or in NJ). Both would be special and memorable. I think hot air balloon would be tricky with more than 4 people so maybe that could be a just you two experience.
anon
Would you husband enjoy a non-sketchy couples’ massage?
Anonymous
Go see a show! Kimberly Akimbo is great. If you can get floor tickets to Here Lies Love that would also be a unique experience. Shakespeare in the Park is also a lot of fun and you can get reserved tickets if you join as a supporter if you can’t deal with the digital lottery or standing in line.
If you like spas, SoJo Spa in Edgewater looks amazing.
If you have never been in the crown of the Statue of Liberty, that is a truly memorable tour. Tickets are not available until Sept. right now though.
Anonymous
Go see Speakeasy Magic at McKittrick Hotel
Do a farm tour followed by the cafeteria lunch at Blue Hill at Stone Barns
Anonymous
Even better… Chamber Magic at the Lotte. It’s a real event.
Anonymous
https://chambermagic.com/?gad=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwzdOlBhCNARIsAPMwjbxJuky3uuMkprCUFQ5rniDM642vJTEaMnGG0utF08j8GiSNS_CSYeMaAj8qEALw_wcB
Anonymous
Have you been to Storm King? That might be a fun activity for the two of you. If you want something more active, there are a couple of places in Westchester and Fairfield counties that rent paddle boards and kayaks.
With the kids, this might be more casual than you’re looking for, but there’s a restaurant on the boardwalk at Rye Playland. Dinner, amusement park, mini golf. On certain nights (I think Weds and Fridays but it has been awhile) they have fireworks too.
Anon
I need some kind of purse to go with a navy long dress I’m wearing to my SIL’s wedding. I’m wearing strappy black shoes with a very short heal that you can’t really see under the dress bc my foot is hard to fit and i have a black purse but i feel like that doesn’t really go with navy and i have two vintage style sparkly purses but neither are large enough to fit my phone which i need. Looking to spend under $100. Ideas?
Anon
I love a fun beaded clutch for a wedding! Many come on chains too, if you’d prefer that.
Just googling beaded clutch there are tons of options (in all sorts of styles) under $100.
Go for it
+1
Cat
I would go with blush or a metallic leather – then it’s versatile enough to use for ‘regular’ dinners out etc.
AIMS
I have a silver raffia clutch that I wore with a long navy dress and metallic shoes recently & I thought it looked really nice. Mine randomly came from TJ Maxx and was maybe $25. I would check out their evening bags and see if you can find something similar.
Anonymous
Under $100 a HOBO clutch might be the way to go. Plenty of them on Poshmark.
Anonymous
I would look for a clutch with a pattern that includes a bit of navy and black versus a solid color to better tie the dress and shoes since navy and black traditionally don’t go together.
Anon
I recently bought a beaded clutch from Amazon with a chain long enough to be cross body or over the shoulder. It fit my phone.
Shanananana
Okay, this feels like it shouldn’t be confusing me, but somehow it is. I need to renew my passport, current passport is marked as a replacement passport for a lost passport. Does this mean I need to apply in person since the question is has this passport ever been reported lost or stolen? Or since I can mail in this passport can I follow the normal renewal process? It does not expire until next May, but have a trip coming up in the fall and based on turn around times lately, would like to get it taken care of this summer when i have no travel booked.
Anon
You can mail it in. I’d do expedited processing if you have a trip in the fall.
Cerulean
Yup, expedited processing took 9 weeks when I applied for a renewal in March this year!
Anonie
When they say “this” passport, I assume they mean the physical copy in question, not your passport identity. So in that case you’re good to say “no” WRT the replacement and follow those procedures.
Cat
this was my interpretation, too. Like if you happened to lose your passport right before it was time to renew, that’s when you would answer ‘yes’ bc you did not have the active passport.
Anon
Does anyone have a recommendation for soft turbans or hats for a cancer patient who is losing her hair? She thinks that wigs aren’t “her” and also they are scratchy.
Digby
Check out Headcovers Unlimited. They have lots of hats, beanies, turbans, etc., in a variety of colors.
Sara
https://www.headcovers.com/scarves/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwzdOlBhCNARIsAPMwjbxoxQqTwRtv18957ZSxkYMJrrDWsRB2oktrFlrxyJswp8hYp_Kz1CEaAnryEALw_wcB
Anonymous
For hats, I lived in these beanies during chemo. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07G825YMX/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
For turbans, I liked this style: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MYUO1L3/ref=twister_B00VG7K34Y?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
I know she says wigs aren’t her, but I really liked halo wigs (see example linked below). They are super comfortable and I would just throw the beanies linked above over the top.
https://www.wigs.com/products/cayenne-hair-piece-ellen-wille?variant=31852217860207&voltagead=1&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=19648121010&utm_term=&gad=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwzdOlBhCNARIsAPMwjbxc-HtVwzNC4hUNLmLE6eQSdmXGCMbA9bQ8Z8mmKNEV9XFBNccbChUaAvxYEALw_wcB
Good luck to your friend!
Anonymous
You do put something between your head and the wig. There are soft head covers. She should check it out.
No Face
I love my Grace Eleyae turbans. They are lined with satin or entirely silk.
Monte
I love the scarves and turbans from Wrap Life.
Anon
If she’s up for it, don’t wear anything on her head (go bald!), wear a ball cap, or, when cold, wear a stocking cap. I knew one woman who said being bald while in chemo was fine and people were so kind and helpful to her during that time because it was obvious she was not well and probably needed help.
Anonymous
I’m looking for a coffee maker to make single cups of coffee that is not a keurig or nespresso. I want to be able to use my own grounds. Currently doing pour over.
anon
At one point, I had a very small Mr Coffee drip machine that made up to 4 cups, rather than the standard 11-12. I’d look for something like that.
PolyD
I have one of those – it makes 4 cups, but honestly it’s more like 2 cups – I just measured and one cup is 6 oz. And you could just make half a pot if you want.
French press is good for making a single cup too, but one thing to keep in mind is that coffee made without a paper filter can raise cholesterol in some people, if that is a concern to you. You can get around it by pouring the coffee through a paper filter after you make it, although that seems a little fiddly.
Go for it
I use a French press. Current I’ve is metal bc I have broken too many tempered glass ones by dropping!
Anon8
Aeropress!! I am a coffee snob but too lazy for pour over and it’s been my primary coffee maker for years. So much easier to clean than a french press, quick, and makes a really great cup of coffee.
Anonymous
we were JUST looking at that in the Prime sale and decided against it because it looks like a sex toy – is it reallly good coffee?
Anon
Yes, works well. Makes great iced americanos too. But, not a huge fan of brewing coffee in plastic so I don’t use every day.
Anon
The Aeropress sounds like what you’re looking for.
Hootster
+1
Formerly Lilly
Moccamaster Cup-One. Makes a fantastic cup of coffee. Two things to be aware of: (1) you don’t necessarily have to hunt up #1 cone filters, you can use the commonly available #2 cone filters and just fold the bottom seam up and scrunch it a little bit on the side, and (2) there is a tiny plastic doodah not very obviously attached to the paperwork that comes in the box, and you need this to keep the hole in the bottom of the plastic cone clear. Failure to regularly clean the hole results in overflow.
Anon
I have always used my own grounds with the keurig with a reusable k cup. I don’t have a keurig noe but that’s what I had for years.
I love my aeropress, which you might like if you’re doing pour over.
I have a small Mr. Coffee pot that I use to make one cup. I think at max it only makes 3-4 cups of coffee but I never make that much. I love that it’s programmable so my coffee is ready when I wake up.
DC Inhouse Counsel
If your only issue with Keurig is that you want to be able to use your own grounds, you can get reusable pods and tiny coffee filters that fit in the reusable pods and use your own grounds in that. My mom has been doing that for almost a decade now and loves it.
Anon
Like the gift card people who cannot resist a comment suggesting them, I just love my Nespresso and think it makes better coffee any any pour over I’ve tried. It is absolutely not even in the same class as a Keurig.
anonshmanon
stovetop bialetti machines come in 1 cup sizes and they look adorable to boot.
anonshmanon
or of course, fancy portafilter espresso machines will let you make a single cup.
Anon
Aeropress.
Anon
My brevities allows by the glass or carafe. Very easy to use
Anon
This should say BREVILLE
Anon
TLDR: What specific hair styling tool do I want?
I stopped styling my hair during COVID and would like to get back into it. Prior to that I dried it every day for probably a decade. I have very thick hair with a natural wave. It is similar to Kate Middleton’s, both when styled and when the frizz / humidity gets the best of it. My old dryer is dead. I liked hot rollers but disliked that they were a second tool after having to dry my hair.
I’m looking for a single tool that can take my hair from out-of-the-shower-wet to dry & styled. I like a traditional blowout, a little volume, not stick straight nor majorly wavy. My biggest priorities are single tool, very fast, and not damaging, which are probably at odds with each other. What specific hair dryers, hot brushes, or other tools do you recommend?
LawDawg
I’ve been using the DryBar Double Shot blow-dryer brush for two years now and I love it. But I don’t usually use it until my hair is 90% dry, so I’m not sure how good it would be straight out of the shower. It’s available on the NAS now. If you have a bigger budget, you can try the Dyson. There’s a learning curve there, but it might be less damaging.
Anon
I hate to recommend it because it’s so $$$, but I bought the Dyson airstrait for exactly this purpose and really love it. I have slightly frizzy hair that I normally air dry and it never looks very nice. Now I spend roughly 10 minutes drying with this thing every time I wash my hair and it looks great. It is super heavy, but other than that I really love it. I’m not sure if there’s a knock off yet but I know Shark has done a knock off of the air wrap, which is also popular.
Anon
It took shark like 4 years to do the airwrap knockoff, so since the air straight is so new it will likely be several years away. Sadly. I can’t wait to try the shark version!
Anon
Oh interesting, I’m intrigued! I was going to say there’s really no such thing as a single tool unless you’re amazing with a blow dryer. I usually rough dry my hair with a regular dryer and finish with a blow dry brush. Than curling iron on occasion. Styling hair usually takes some effort, I’ve never found there’s a magic “no work but still looks great solution.”
anon
For me, this works as one tool, no damage, and my hair looks 1000% better than air drying (but of course not as good as a full on blow out with round brush). Most importantly it takes less than 15 minutes tops, usually closer to ten if I let it air dry a bit first. That said, if you want your hair to look as perfect as a blowout (and correspondingly the same volume) – it might not be the same. FWIW, I have the revlon tool too and this is much quicker/easier to use (but I am very uncoordinated with hair stuff so YMMV).
Anon
The Revlon One Step. Dries my hair, looks like I got a blow out, takes about 5 minutes (I let my hair partially air dry first).
There are more expensive versions which are probably less damaging, but I don’t have issues with damage to my hair (using a heat protectant).
OP
Oh I thought the Revlon needed at least damp or mostly dry hair to work. If it works on truly wet hair, this might be a game changer! Thanks!
bird in flight
you can definitely use it on just towel dried hair. The Revlon was a huge game changer for me. I do it in three sections. I like it to lay a bit more straight so I follow up each section with a quick run with a straightener but that really isn’t absolutely necessary.
Anon
I wouldn’t use it on sopping wet hair, but you don’t need to rough dry your hair with a dryer before you use the Revlon. I dry my hair with a towel, throw it up in a turban and then by the time I’m ready to dry my hair (I brush teeth, do skincare, and make my bed before drying my hair) it’s good to go.
The wetter your hair is, the longer the Revlon takes. You could go straight from the shower to using it, it’ll just take longer. After 10ish minutes in a turban, my hair takes 10ish minutes to dry with the Revlon. If I wait a little longer, it’s done in 5ish.
Anon
I have very thick Kate Middleton hair and I can’t use the Revlon on wet hair. I need to blowdry like 90% dry first.
Anon
The Amika blow dryer brush. I use it on my hair fresh out of the shower.
Anon
I also have the amika brush dryer thing and like it. I am *ahem* unskilled with a blow dryer, and my hair comes out noticeably nicer using it.
Anon
So if your hair is really thick, the tricky thing might be going from “out of the shower wet to dry & styled.” Some people can get good results without at least towel-drying first and some people can’t, IMO. I don’t have thick hair but even my fine hair needs some towel time before I hit it with the Revlon One Step, or I don’t get a good result.
I have an original One-Step and then bought an updated version with a smaller barrel about a year ago. The difference between the two is pretty profound: I never could use the “high” setting on the original One Step as it was way too hot. The new one’s “high” setting is much more reasonable. But to avoid frizz, I need to get my hair at least 50% dry before hitting it with the One Step. I accomplish this by putting my hair in a towel turban, brushing my teeth and putting on my foundation and otherwise puttering around for a few minutes, and then using the One Step. It’s not really additional time or effort but the results I get from the tool are a LOT better.
Anon
yeah, I don’t even use a hair dryer on wet wet hair. I always throw my hair in a towel turban for 10-20 minutes before doing any sort of styling. Like you, I don’t waste time because that’s when I do other parts of my morning routine.
Anon
May I humbly suggest…blow dryer plus large Velcro curlers. I have similar hair and style. I use a Dyson, but I also like the DryBar’s blow dryer.
Jules
I have been using for several years a generic version of the Revlon brush hair dryer (the one with a flat brush, not a round one), and it works great on my bra-band length hair, after minimal towel/turban drying. I like the flat brush for a smooth and straight look.
GHD
I have similar hair and tried the Air Wrap. I was underwhelmed. My hair was still frizzy and there are just too many attachments and it felt really high maintenance. I’ve gone back to my tried and true GHD blow dryer with a round brush. As long as I use some heat product, I get a solid Kate Middleton like result.
Chl
I got a letter from my employer that my personal info was compromised in a security breach at our corporate life insurance provided. My credit already has a freeze on it and I’ll change all my passwords. They’re offering credit monitoring services at a cost. Before I sign up for this one (ID Watchdog) does anyone have any thoughts about it or another option they like better?
Anon
My thought is why on earth they aren’t paying for it themselves?
Anon
Push your employer to work with the life insurance provider to provide free credit monitoring for those employees affected by the breach. You have little power here, but your employer likely has enough to demand this.
anonshmanon
my employer paid for credit monitoring after a data breach, and they initally did it only for 1 year, but then extended it when the year was almost up.
That said, I haven’t found it a particularly useful service. The information I get is basically the same that my Chase banking app already gives me.
Anon
Your company should have an agreement in place with the life insurance company that covers liability in these circumstances. Definitely push for them to pay for the credit monitoring.
Anon
Also, if you have a credit freeze does this product actually provide anything beyond credit monitoring?
My own info was compromised in a breach years ago and I have had a credit freeze ever since. The company at fault offered a year of free monitoring and discouraged me from setting up a credit freeze, but I opted for the freeze anyhow as it seemed like that would actually prevent problems rather than just letting me know after they happened. I have had to temporarily unfreeze a couple of times since (refi, auto loan, etc.) and it was pretty easy.
Anon
This happens all the time. I’ve stopped worrying about it.
Anon
Same. I probably get a letter a week from someone that my information has been “compromised”. Unless it is particularly sensitive (bank/credit cards), I change my password and move on. This is precisely why my credit is frozen and I don’t let anyone link to my bank account (learned that lesson from Target).
Also I have multiple free iterations of credit monitoring from multiple data breaches but that only tells you if someone took out a loan using your information, which the credit freeze should prevent.
Anon
Honestly, same.
Anon
You are getting good advice but I would only add to be sure you freeze your kids’ (if applicable) credit too if they are beneficiaries of your life insurance since you probably put their SSN on the application.
Jane
Seeking ideas on what I think/hope is a fun question: how do you actually store your handbags? I’ve mine displayed on the top shelf of my walk in closet but feel they get dusty despite no windows. I’d them in dust bags earlier but realized that meant “out of sight out of mind” or I was too lazy to bother opening and using while rushing to get out. I do not like the look of those cheaply made long cloth or plastic hangers with multiple thingies but maybe I’ve not found a good one. Surely I’m not the only one with 10+ bags (hides face)! Tell me your secrets and links appreciated!
Anon
The top shelf is likely your problem. I keep mine on an eye level shelf and never see any dust. Most of my purses are smallish so I line them up sideways like a bookshelf. The bigger ones are displayed on another non-top shelf in front of my high heels. I don’t wear heels often so it’s NBD to move the purse aside to grab a pair.
Senior Attorney
I fully admit that I am a princess and this isn’t practical for everyone, but I have a built-in cabinet for my handbags with wooden — dowels? not sure of the correct word — to hang them. Like this: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/215398794657370333/ I keep clutches in a drawer underneath the cabinet.
Anonymous
Our walk in closet has LOTS of shelving – a wall for shoes at the very end, and like 3-4 other sections of wider shelving. My handbags get one entire section, but I keep them in their dust bags. We probably have less hanging space than we have shelves. (I also use shelves for sweaters, jeans, shorts, etc.)
Anon
I only have a few and keep them in one of those Sterilite clear plastic sweater boxes on a shelf around eye level in our tiny closet. Not exactly a display-worthy method, but it does keep the dust off and I can still see them.
Anonymous
Facebook question–I have created a photo album and it tells me it has the right number of pictures in it, but it doesn’t actually show all the pictures, even when I go to edit album. Google is not helping me solve this problem; all it says is there is a 1000 photo limit, but I am nowhere near that. Anyone have any ideas?
Anon
I wouldn’t make albums on FB is my answer. That’s not a platform you control. Get Dropbox or a cloud solution.
Cat
if the point is sharing the photos with FB friends that doesn’t help. I haven’t posted lately but recall that when posting on a mobile device, you have to use the app for it to work properly. Going to the website on Chrome or Safari is hit or miss with whether photos upload.
Anon
I love my friends, but I do t want to see 1,000 of their photos in an album. Get an instagram account and post there if that’s the goal. And edit.
Anonymous
She said she doesn’t have anywhere close to 1k.
Anonymous
OP here–Yea, it’s to share with elderly relatives who can do Facebook but not much else techy wise (and definitely don’t have an instagram). And it’s like 120 pictures and says the album has that, but is only showing 70ish. It’s odd. I am using web browsers, though, as I’m uploading from my computer. I’ll experiment with mobile device and different browsers.
Cat
Try doing fewer at once. If you upload in batches of 20 it might do better.
Anon
What’s the file type of the images that are missing? Do you have an iphone and are they HEIC files? Maybe Facebook isn’t displaying those ones. You could use an HEIC converter.
anon
I don’t know what I’m asking for, exactly, but how do I like my ILs more? There is a portion of DH’s extended family that I just … do not like. We’ve been married a long time, for the record. I find them overbearing, pushy, loud, and just overly impressed with themselves. They think they are the most fun people ever. Even one of my kids has a hard time being around them. I wouldn’t go as far as to call them toxic, but they are not people I would ever choose to hang out with because we have such different personalities and interests. DH isn’t fond of them, either, but feels some internal and external pressure from MIL to keep the peace and keep showing up for family events. And unfortunately, there are a number of events coming up that we probably should go to, though I hate the idea and dread it every time. Do I send DH alone? That is definitely NOT the family culture we’re in, and would probably kick up a bunch of gossip and weird comments. Especially if we had the nerve to keep the kids home with me. I fully believe that part of being an adult is sucking it up and doing things you don’t like sometimes, but I am getting so tired of trying (and failing) to put on a happy face.
Anon
What kind of events? I wouldn’t skip a wedding or a funeral, probably not a milestone birthday or anniversary celebration, but if it’s just a normal get together I would definitely skip and let DH go alone.
anon
One of them is a milestone birthday. Ugh, I know what the answer is here, I just don’t like it.
Anon
I’m assuming it will be a fairly large group? Can you just try to avoid the unpleasant people?
Cat
This is a situation for making a Bingo card about predictable behavior.
bird in flight
+1 with small prizes for when you get a bingo.
Anon
How old are your kids? The kids can probably disappear to go hang out among themselves and maybe you can go off and supervise.
Anon
Don’t the kids have a soccer game or dentist appointments that conflict? So sad you can’t make it, hopefully next time!
anon
Not at 7 pm on a Friday night, unfortunately!
Anon
Oh, then they definitely have a sleepover with that hard-to-schedule playmate!
Anon
Or there’s always a cold that you don’t want to spread around to the family. I think you can reasonably say you’re sick for one of the minor events coming up and enjoy having the house to yourself.
Vicky Austin
+1. As my husband would say, “Oh, dear, I’m going to be sick that day.”
Anon
Are there members of his family (or fellow in-laws) that you do like? Can you hang out with them and roll your eyes at the madness together?
It sounds like it’s maybe not his immediate family but his extended family you don’t care for, so hopefully these gatherings are few and far between?
Anon
I think you keep going but are you swallowing all your natural reactions? I’m not saying be rude, but are you yourself? I find those situations get a lot easier when you stop being polite and start being more real.
Anon
Not the OP but doing this led to my MIL not speaking to me for two years and trashing me and my marriage to the entire family (including my own mother). So proceed with caution.
Anon
I think the devil is in the details, but I’m not at all suggesting being rude, just not swallowing opinions and thoughts. I’d bring things up the way I would a different point of view with friends at a party. When I haven’t liked family members, I tend to clam up and be annoyed, and that lessens substantially when I actually engage as myself.
anon
I tend to clam up because I don’t trust myself to not be rude, if that makes sense.
Anonymous
Long list of ideas, some of which are probably bad and/or contradictory:
It seems like the problem is you expect to make this pleasant. I would either decide you are opting out, or if you don’t truly want to, accept that it will be unpleasant and make it more like a job.
Is there anything good about them? Or if you are doing this to keep the peace with MIL, what do you value about her? I would go, do not expect myself to enjoy it at all, and just accept that you are doing this for x reasons that are important to you – e.g. to maintain a good relationship with MIL who ostensibly has redeeming values, to support your husband, to show your kids how important family is to you, whatever they are. Focus on the valid reasons you want to show up and the long-term benefits of showing up and not the quality of the experience.
And maybe also try to distance yourself more – observe them like characters in a play. Be the audience, not a player.
Or improv with them – can you get them say the same stupid thing they always say within x seconds? Can you get them to top themselves?
Or can you view them as clients who you need to entertain – redefine success as them having a good time and not you? Ask them a lot of questions about themselves, give them opportunities to boast, make them feel good, and then you can feel accomplished if they do that?
anon
+1 to view them as clients you need to entertain (if that is part of your job). Many, many tough family dynamics are handled in my family through this approach as this is a requirement of our jobs. Or, alternatively, treat it as though you need to kill a long flight delay with a work acquittance in the office. You ask people about their lives, tell amusing stories, discuss the new show on netflix (again, you only have to watch one or two episode then profess that you don’t want to be spoiled), go see a movie at the theater, discuss the most recent football, baseball game, exchange where you went on holiday, etc. Think of this as an extended conversation that you would have with a town car driver – the conversation flows but is never actually about feelings.
Anonymous
Limit how long you stay? I feel like there’s always that one family member who’s late to everything and needs to leave early because of some conflict. I would lean into that.
Anonymous
It sounds like these are large family events, and that there is a portion of the family you do like. I would not go to all the events – I would go to the milestone birthday but skip out on some lesser events. And I would also just hang out with the part of the family I like while I was there.
Anonie
If possible, think of ways to keep yourself busy at the event so that you are technically in attendance but not actually interacting with anyone. Some ideas:
– Picking up and (slowly!) washing dirty dishes that are created.
– Finding a complicated appetizer recipe online and spending the first part of your time there making the recipe (and if you “forgot” an ingredient and have to run to the store to pick it up, all the better!). I think a cold dip, like a 7 layer dip that requires a lot of chopping but no oven would be a good candidate.
– Circulating and collecting/disposing of trash
– Self-appointed official photographer, allows you to interact with everyone but at arm’s length, and gives you a perfect excuse to move away from a conversation “Well, gonna go grab some more photos!” Taking photos of things like the cake and decorations will allow you to avoid interacting with people. You could also use this narrative as an excuse to play on your phone and if called on it, say you’re uploading photos to the group album. (Downside: you will probably actually need to create and share said album.)
– Offer to grab drinks for people as you notice they’re empty, if you don’t think this would be too awkward. Waiting in a long line at the bar (if there is one) by yourself can be a great time-killer!
– If there are young kids in attendance, offer to take them outside or lead them in some kind of activity or game – only you know whether refereeing Simon Says is preferable to the obnoxious adults!
– Spill something on yourself and spend a lot of time in the bathroom trying to remove the stain (hey, desperate times).
Anonymous
Arrive late/leave early. Preferably both. if anyone complains you are ‘so disappointed that you had to miss part but super glad you were able to make the logistics work so you didn’t have to miss the whole thing.’ Repeat ad nauseum.
Like arrive 7:15 and leave 8:45 max – and then refer to it as being there for a couple or a few hours.
Anonymous
For those of you who left biglaw/big corporate type job – when did you start culling the super formal wear you don’t need anymore. I left over five years ago, still have suits, shells and blouses but I don’t wear them – most are in fantastic shape. Should I sell them or just donate, or just keep bc these are classic pieces, but I will admit that I haven’t worn a full suit – even to a job interview or anything – in five years.
Anon
Keep two favorites in your best colors, then donate the rest.
I use a FIFO-type sort in my closet. Once something has spent a full season or year at the “out” end without being worn, it’s time for it to go.
Anon
Applying FIFO to your closet — we should be friends.
Anon
I agree with the full year and I do that with my closet. I store clothes seasonally (warm weather vs cool weather) and I’m just not storing something I didn’t wear once that season. So the change over process also becomes a goodwill donation process. I always keep 1-3 businessy outfits and a handful of dressy looks for things like weddings. Everything else is subject to merciless purging.
Anon
Yep! I also make sure the “out” section is in prime real estate for viewing when I open my closet doors so they aren’t shoved at the back where I simply forget about them. I do have a few items that get excused from the FIFO purge because they are for specific occasions that do not come around often. For the rest, it is so easy to see that this chunk of ten hangers don’t hold anything I like enough to reach for in favor of another outfit, so it’s time to set them free.
anon
I left a fed gov’t litigating position (so in court 2-3x/week, more for trial of course) about five years ago and still have roughly 5-7 of my favorite, most classic suits, and donated the older ones in the past year (at one point I probably owned 12-14 suits total). I’m keeping my favorites on the off chance I ever return to trial work (which is possible albeit unlikely). I donated to dress for success and was very impressed with the organization and its mission overall. I also noticed on nextdoor there is a local org that accepts donations of formal workwear for those starting out in their career for interviews, etc. and my husband donated a bunch of stuff that way as well.
Anon
I’m going to a conference in Las Vegas. There are a fair number of industry-sponsored parties happening at various night clubs in the evening. Wtf do I wear? The conference during the day is very casual and I’m set there.
Trixie
dress festively, but modestly. You are there for work. Not too much skin, some sparkles, black, dangly earrings, etc. Black swishy pants, and a few different tops.
LA Law
Generally Vegas at night varies widely and the need to keep it work appropriate limits your options. I usually go with a shorter (but not super short) black dress with some detail that takes it out of “work” territory. Unfortunately my go-to is quite old (black chiffon sleeveless A-line with a sparkly neckline) so I cannot link to it. It is not particularly memorable but almost always appropriate for Vegas at night and although a bit short it is not body-con and has a high neck so it is not awkward in a professional setting (and does not scream “I am looking to hook up”). I would add black sheer hose in the winter but obviously not right now.
If I were you I would go to Lulus and filter by “mini”, “black” + whatever other colors look good on you, and pick something with no cleavage. Midi also works for you don’t want to show your legs.
And of course YMMV. If you ARE looking to hook-up, no judgment here.
anon
Assuming this is an actually going back and getting changed situation (rather than rolling through meetings) – AG has some great leather like jeans. I normally do those with a sparkly top + sandals (summer) or booties (winter) as my going out uniform. Think of it as an updated version of the “going out top” circa 2005. A jumpsuit would also work.
Anon
Just gonna say – if OP’s conference is any time soon, leather/leather-like pants may not be the best choice if she is going to have to walk very far or spend very much time outside. It’s going to be over 100 degrees there during the day (and almost 90 degrees at night) for awhile (like possibly into September) and I nearly gave myself heatstroke in Vegas a few years ago trying to wear a non-breathable faux-suede dress to a swanky bar I had to walk to.
OP – in your case I would consider some wide-leg pants in cotton or linen with a fun sparkly sleeveless or short-sleeve top, or a breathable (cotton, linen, rayon, blend of those with poly) dress that looks current but is not overly “cocktail-y,” if that makes sense. You could also do lighter-fabric-weight jeans and a fun top. This is not the season in Vegas for heavy-weight fabrics, especially if you are from someplace where you’re not used to the heat. If you’re from a more temperate area, the desert heat is no joke and really gets to people – especially people who are drinking alcohol.
Also: always remember that if you’re walking from one casino to another on the Strip, you could be talking about a half a mile or more of walking, so wear shoes you can actually walk in without shredding your feet. Plenty of people wear flats to walk and then swap footwear when they get to where they’re going.
I agree with “dress festively but remember you’re working” advice. If you look for “dresses to wear to Vegas” via Google search, you’ll see a lot of dresses that mostly aren’t there/don’t contain much fabric. Don’t wear those, even though you’ll see tons of people waiting to get into the clubs wearing them.
Anon
+1 I can’t imagine leather or pleather in the desert in the summer.
Anonymous
It is extra special hot in Vegas right now/this summer generally. This weekend, it was so hot that no one even wanted to go outside to use the pool.
Anon
I would wear a knee length black dress, fun sneakers (like gold or rhinestone..recently I bought some white sequined Keds), gold or silver necklace and earrings, and bring a colorful shawl/wrap in case the AC is too cold inside.
Anon
I’m a single mom, and need to set up estate paperwork. I believe I’ll need a will, and a trust in case something were to happen to me when my children are minors. Does anyone have an idea what this will cost? I’m in DC if anyone has recommendations for attorneys
Anan
In Montgomery Country. We paid $2400 for all that, nine years ago.
Anon
My husband and I paid $5,000 for the two of us to do this about a year ago.
anon
Where do mid-30s women who have recently birthed children buy bridesmaid dresses?
I’m in a wedding in November and we’ve been given a lot of leeway regarding style, color, etc. Only requirements are that it’s in the red/burgundy/orange family and floor length. The styles I see at Nordstroms are quite matronly but the David’s Bridal ones look cheap.
I would like to de emphasize my stomach plus my b**asts are quite large at the moment so low cuts may be scandalous.
Anon
I would go to David’s Bridal in person. I recently wore one from there as a bridesmaid and it wasn’t nearly as bad as It thought it’d be.
Also check out Azazie, Birdy Gray, or Lulus.
dmv
Seconding an in-person trip to David’s. I think the floaty, chiffon-type dresses from there look better than the stiffer, satin-y ones.
Vicky Austin
+1 to all these. Azazie has pretty good return policies IIRC.
Elle
I’ve been in a lot of weddings and birdy gray was my favorite- they’re cheap and comfortable
Anon
Cheap is fine. I’ve never reworn a bridesmaid dress and no one expects it to be the most gorgeous dress they’ve ever seen. Save your money to get it tailored 2-3 weeks before the wedding when your body has settled a bit.
Anonymous
Maybe birdy gray?
https://www.birdygrey.com/collections/red-orange-bridesmaid-dresses
Anon
If you’ve recently given birth and are breastfeeding, chances are high your body will be quite different in November vs now. I’d wait a few months to start shopping for this.
Moose
30s bride here – I had my bridesmaids use Revelry – you can have dresses shipped to you to try on before ordering. Lots and lots of styles with many levels of coverage. They all really liked their dresses. Here are all the burgundy options:
https://shoprevelry.com/collections/shop-by-color?filter.ss_color_family=Burgundies
Pompom
Revelry, for sure.
Anon
My sister recently bought a bridesmaid dress from Nordstrom for my wedding. I told her cocktail length (short) and navy.
Serafina
I was in the bridal party recently where 2 of us were pregnant. Lulu’s and Asos had some good options! If you’re not trying to match, it doesn’t have to be too bridesmaid-y, and so you can pick a style you like for your current body, plus Lulu’s and Asos have some pretty inexpensive stuff.
Super Anon
Need a gut check. A former coworker was forced to quit a year ago for sexual harassment – sending unwanted texts and snapchats to younger, but not underage, staff (same gender) who reported to him/were below him on the ladder. I doubt the org would do anything other than confirm dates of employment during a reference check.
He just got hired at the city’s LGBTQ youth organization (thanks, Linkedin). The job description is still up on the s!te and part of his job will be working directly with youth. What, if anything, should I do? I no longer live in the same city.
Anon
Does the City have an Ombuds office or a whistleblower office? If so, let them know.
Anonymous
Nothing. I’m assuming from your post that you were just a coworker not the victim or someone with direct knowledge of the details of the investigation? You don’t actually know what happened. If you say something to his new employer and he finds out it was you, you risk your position with your employer plus potential civil liability for defamation. This isn’t whistleblower territory this is gossip.
anonshmanon
I don’t understand how ‘he broke the law and was fired for it’ is gossip territory? Seems that those are two provable facts, not really much room for interpretation there.
Anon
Did he break the law or did he just break company protocols?
Anon
I don’t think he broke the law. Hitting on younger coworkers isn’t illegal, assuming they’re adults which OP says they were.
Anonymous
Yes, it’s sexual harassment, which is against the law if not a crime.
Anon
And he wasn’t fired for it, he was forced to quit. Different.
anonshmanon
yeah, I misread that part! I am also not certain the OP realistically has much leverage here, but how is sending unwanted sexual messages to multiple lower-ranked staff not creating an offensive work environment?
Anon
How are you getting multiple out of what was written?
anonshmanon
“sending unwanted texts and snapchats to […] staff […] who reported to him/were below him on the ladder”
doesn’t sound like a one-time occurrence to me. Also would he be forced to resign if this was a one-time thing?
Anonymous
He neither broke the law nor was fired, based on the post. What is a “provable fact” is that he resigned.
Anon
Absolutely nothing.
Explorette
You do nothing. He could sue you for slander, and even though you could prevail, you’d still have to defend the suit.
Anon
This. I’d stay out of it.
Super Anon
Okay – thanks all. I was leaning toward doing nothing and I appreciate the perspectives. It’s icky but not actionable.
Anon
He made a mistake so clearly he should never ever work again.
Anon
Work again? Sure. With youth though?!
Anon
Yeah, with youth. FFS, he hit on an adult coworker p, that doesn’t make him a predator.
Anon
Seriously.
Anon
OP said the person at her company was not underage and nothing in the post suggests he is likely to approach someone who is. The 40-year-old who hits on a 20-year-old underlying is sketchy, not criminal.
Most companies have clear policies on what people are allowed to say about former employees and people are right that reaching out to his new employer could well get her (1) fired and (2) sued. Also, unless she is in HR (and I doubt it because nobody in HR would be asking this question), all she likely knows is what she heard through the grapevine, which puts this squarely in gossip territory.
Super Anon
Thanks again. I’m fairly new to the working world so I was sure there were things I wasn’t thinking of. It threw me for a loop.
anonshmanon
I’m really confused by all these comments shrugging at the sexual harassment here. The way I read OPs initial post, this guy was repeatedly harassing staff with a power differential. Sexual harassment is unlawful.
There might not be much she can do without taking undue personal risk, but that doesn’t change what he did.
Anon
Anonshmanon— I don’t see anyone shrugging at it or saying that sexual harassment isn’t important. The OP asked what she should do, and a lot of people are pointing out real, legal concerns with reporting this information to the new employer.
Anon
He should not be working with a vulnerable population.
Anonie
+1 for do nothing, especially if you don’t have direct knowledge of what happened, but heard it all secondhand. Your testimony wouldn’t be admissible in court, and in your position I wouldn’t be comfortable acting on it.
Anon
I really question whether organizations care, despite public shaming.
I was sexually harrassed by someone I met through an org I volunteered with and didn’t want to date. He kept calling me from different numbers (I blocked every one) and threatening to stop by my house if I didn’t talk to him. He even threatened to hurt himself if I didn’t talk to him.
I told the organization’s CEO and Board Chair, and they basically didn’t believe me and said maybe it was a date gone bad. Nothing happened to him. He continued to work there and be featured prominently on their social media.
ToS
This is why centralized reporting is helpful. EEO people, independent investigation, Title IX Coordinators…not just criminal databases – so somebody seriously looks into it, and so repeat offenders are eventually held accountable to the tune of correcting their behavior.
Anon at 1:57, I’m sorry this happened to you, and that your volunteer org did not follow up appropriately. I’m glad you spoke up because if/when there is a next time, your actions will have them looking harder at his behavior. I hope you are ok/okay-enough – Sometimes relationship violence centers can be helpful (for dealing with the threatening-to-harm-myself behavior)
Anon
I just started a new job and signed up to be mentored by someone through the company’s women’s business resource group. In past jobs, I’ve usually been mentored by someone 1-2 levels above me. I’m relatively mid/junior and I was matched with someone WAY above me (think the head of something for the Americas at our global company). I’m an ant compared to her ha. I’m looking forward to the mentoring relationship and all the advice she can give, but I’m a little intimidated by our first meeting this week. What would be on your list to get out of a relationship like this? If you could, what would you want to ask or learn from this person?
Anon
Go in prepared. As the senior person in this scenario, the worst is when people have nothing to say and expect me to carry the meeting. I’d suggest having things you’re curious about, such as strategies for success at the company, advice on your specific trajectory, graduate school, etc. Go in with questions. And don’t expect a ton, you might click and that would be great, but the best mentoring relationships happen more organically.
Anonymous
This happened to me. A good problem to have! I got a mentees guide workbook online and did a bunch of the exercises in advance of meetings with my mentor. I also went in with a goal of meeting people in their organization, so would ask for warm handoffs for coffee meetings with their team. My goal was to go in with an agenda for each meeting.
It was fun, but definitely be prepared.
anon a mouse
What a great opportunity for you! I’d ask her to reflect on her own journey – if she can think back to when she was your level, are there specific things she would have done differently? Or things she really credits with helping her advance? At her level now, what does she see as the key challenges for someone looking to do career development? How has the organization (or the working world) changed, and does she think it’s good or bad? She may find talking to you really energizing, and look to you for ideas from the younger set. As your relationship develops, she may also be able to connect you with other people to help you on your path, which would be truly valuable.
Anonie
I’d ask her what kind of opportunities within the organization you should be looking out for to grow your career. Given her seniority, she may know of some that aren’t widely publicized that she can direct you to.
Anon
What tips do you have for organizing / storing reusable food containers? I have a bunch of pyrex containers in different sizes, plus a few plastic ones too. For the life of me, I cannot figure out a good way to store these + lids in my cabinets.
Anonymous
We only have plastic, and we have multiples of about 6-7 basic shapes (small rectangle, larger square, larger rectangle, round in 2 heights, divided lunch ones for our son, and tiny round). The multiples all nest. We stack like with like and the lids next to them. If you have a wide variety of sizes and shapes, none of which nest, I think it is pretty hard.
OP
I have 4 sizes, all round. I purposely bought the same sizes and shapes, but Pyrex just doesn’t nest very well. I made the change to Pyrex because I want to avoid plastic, but I do miss how well the old plastic ones I had stacked!
Anon
I have the round Pyrex. My husband tries to stack the same sizes together but they get stuck together if their temp changes (hot out of the dishwasher, cooling down in the cabinet.) I store them in nested sets – tiny inside small inside medium inside large – and I store their lids in a drawer.
Anon
I got rid of all mine that were odd sizes and instead got containers that are more standard so they can stack easily. This is the only way I can stay organized.
Anonymous
We store the lids and containers separately. It sounds like an organizational nightmare but it’s the only thing I’ve found that works and doesn’t result in me dodging falling lids when I open cabinet doors. The containers are in a cabinet next to the fridge. The lids are in the deep bottom drawer next to the sink. We use a wire organizer to keep the lids standing up so we don’t have to sort through the whole drawer to find the right lid.
Anon8
I started storing my pyrex containers with the lids on and honestly it was life changing. No more digging around for the lids, no more orphan containers. Obviously it takes up more room that way, but it keeps me from accumulating random containers I don’t actually need.
Anan
+1 to storing with lids on. Or store like items nested together with lids vertically next to them.
Though we store in a large drawer and it seems to make it easier to see and find things.
OP
Will have to give this a shot! Since pyrex doesn’t stack well anyways, it’s probably not that much bulkier. Thanks!
Vicky Austin
I’m gonna have to start doing this.
Anon
I use these frequently, so even though I have a small kitchen, I have a separate little four shelf rack for these containers, plus the random produce that doesn’t go in the fridge and other frequently used items (I’m too short to reach most of my cabinets). The Pyrex containers all stack nicely, and I put the round lids in two little bins, one for the small ones and one for the big ones (I got the bins at ikea for a dollar or two). The lids stand up on their sides, so they’re easy to grab. The larger rectangular containers are stored on another shelf with lids on. I think it helps a lot to have containers that all match and stack together so I’ve tried to only buy one kind, rather than always trying new ones.
OP
I think my issue is that my Pyrex just don’t stack well. I make sure to buy the same types (I have 4 sizes, all in round). Unlike plastic containers, they don’t fit inside of each other. But, then, I don’t want to use plastic for food storage.
Anon
Hmm, mine stack just fine up to maybe 4 or 5 high, depending on the size? I guess they don’t nest quite as well as my plastic ones (I also have some from Rubbermaid I use to keep ants out of dry goods), but it’s not terrible. I’ve had mine for at least 15 years, though, and never owned much of the plastic kind until recently, so maybe I’m just used to them taking up that much space?
Anonymous
The Pyrex Snapware containers stack much better than the regular Pyrex containers, and they are much more leak-resistant.
NYNY
I have very limited cabinet space, but I cook and need to have good stash of containers, so there are two nested stacks in a cupboard – one for the round and square shapes, the other for rectangles – and all of the lids are in a bowl behind the stacks. My mixing bowls are in the same stack as the round/square storage containers, which helps to anchor it. It’s not pretty, but it works.
anon
Following with interest. I’ve given up on keeping that stuff organized. I randomly stack stuff in a cabinet and shut the door quickly before anything falls out.
Anonymous
You really have to limit sizes – we have mostly square glass snap ware that we store in a half cabinet by the dishwasher; lids are there also.
Round ones and rectangular ones we stack in a pull-out cabinet; the lids are in an open box (smaller than a shoebox) next to them.
We added extra shelves to a bunch of our cabinets a year or 2 ago and some very thin spaces are perfect for the few plastic lunch-box supplies we use for kids.
An.On.
We store lids separately in a big glass mixing bowl next to the stacked containers. We use one size most often, so those lids are all on top and we might have to dig a little for a different size lid, but it’s what works best for us. And we have plenty of mixing bowls, so we rarely (if ever) need to take all the lids out to use this one.
Cat
The Trtl travel neck support pillow thing is following me around the interwebs. The theory of it sounds perfect for some upcoming long haul flights – slim fit, prevents your head from sagging forward – but $50+ is a lot for an infrequently used item. As-is I get about 5 hours of light sleep but wake up with an achy neck, so if it really works it would be worth it. Any IRL experience here?
Lydia
I bought it and found it less comfortable than a normal neck pillow…. it’s just kinda awkward to wear, and not as supportive/comfortable as it seems from the ads.
anonshmanon
I really wanted to like it but it did not work for me, a classic neck pillow is better (combined with melatonin, eye mask, ear plugs). But another commenter here recently said she liked it so YMMV. It. is a curved bit of plastic so it’s not really a slim fit in terms of packing.
Anon
Speaking of travel and ear plugs, I traveled across the country yesterday with two stops before my final destination, and I realized that keeping my ear plugs in while I was in the airport made things so much more tolerable.
Anon
What a great idea.
Senior Attorney
Same. Mine is gathering dust in a random drawer.
Cat
Thanks all! It’s a (relatively) short flight that I’ll be doing most of the sleeping (London) so I think I’ll save the $50 and just s-ck it up.
Anon
Get a Cabeau pillow. They’re the best ones. Also you can find them in most airport news stand places, but I’m sure they’re much more expensive to buy there than online.
Anonie
My husband just ordered us matching ones and he liked his a lot but I found mine deeply uncomfortable and we ended up returning it right away. I did notice that he barely used his on our recent long flights because it was just too complicated to set up/snap into place around his neck. I am definitely glad I returned mine but he plans to keep his and play around with it before out next big trip. I think it’s very person-specific whether or not you will like it. If you are really tempted, it might be worth ordering one to try it at home with the understanding that you can return it if it’s not a good fit.
Annony
Counterpoint – I LOVE my Trtl. Trtl, eye mask, headphones – best airplane sleep of my life on an LA to NY red eye. My next purchase is one of those foot slings.
I think it’s really personal preference. I find the neck pillows really uncomfortable – too bulky and just don’t support my head. I like to fall asleep with my head tilting to one side so the Trtl was a great option for me. I also appreciate how easy it is to wash.
Laura
If you decide to go with an alternative, I’ve had the Travelrest inflatable pillow for years and love it. It doesn’t take up much space when deflated, and the “hook” shape is great when leaning against a window.
Anon
I love my Trtl! I’ve used it for about 6 years. I used to travel 5-6 times a year pre-covid, and it was the only thing that worked for me.
Cat
Ooh I just checked back— maybe I’ll order from A-n (even though more $) for a test drive and see if it’s good for my head. I have a short neck so it might be a bad fit, but we’ll see. Thanks all!
Anon
How do you get through a week that you know is going to be a slog the whole way? My work week is filled with the type of work I least like doing and a stressful event at the end of the week, I’m dealing with some never-ending relationships uncertainty that’s stressing me out, I feel physically depleted from the last three months of marathon training (tbd whether I can keep the training up for the next few months), and I just feel lonely and down. How do I turn this around or get through it until things feel better?
Anon
Just accept that it’s going to be a crappy week.
PJ
Buy a box of fancy chocolate and eat a little bit each day. Take a hot shower at the end of the day and leave your phone in another room at night.
Anon
As for marathon training, I sometimes take a full week off of working out in any sense. When I pick it back up I do feel stronger and just physically so well rested. I find it doesn’t really hurt my training to take a week off (especially since it sounds like you’re probably on a 6 month training plan!). In my week off I still focus on sleep, stretching / mobility, and nutrition like I do when I’m training. It’s such a good reset for my body.
Since you’re feeling lonely – can you plan something fun with friends over the weekend to celebrate getting through this week?
Not knowing the details of your relationship uncertainty, but is it time to DTMFA? Never-ending uncertainty doesn’t sound fun or healthy. Sometimes a clean break is best.
As for work – bribe yourself. A fun latte or other treat on your way to work. A fun dinner or dessert after work. A 10 minute walk during lunch or eat outside to get some sunshine.
Anon
My MIL isn’t doing well — limited mobility, issues with climbing stairs to bedrooms and bathrooms (so is sleeping in the living room and using a half bath for hygiene). The house is falling apart due to lack of maintenance (railings are loose, lights don’t work, water is somehow getting into the basement). IDK that she changes furnace filters. I’m not sure the stove works. She is good at bluffing and avoiding the issues. Why? One of my SILs moved in a few years ago and is a Level 5 hoarder and is filling the house slowly with stuff (not garbage, we think, but you can’t clean even if you wanted to). SIL is limiting access to MIL and the house (recently, when DH wanted to start getting molded items, which are just his and not anyone else’s, from the basement). DH is boiling over, but MIL doesn’t want to cause a scene. SIL would have nowhere else to go without MIL. MIL is lucid and rational (legally, not practically) still, but is approaching 90. Ugh. This won’t end will for anyone, will it? Or is this fixable without appearing on an episode of Hoarders?
Anonymous
MIL needs to give DH power of attorney NOW, before things get completely out of hand. Then you can better figure out a game plan.
Anon
But does MIL want to do that? Also, it sounds like DH lives in another state, so maybe there’s a sibling who lives closer who can check in and help as well.
Anon
With DH living in another state, he’s probably not the best option for POA. It’s hard to truly have the full picture when you aren’t nearby, and you’re less available to jump in and handle things as they come up. Seeing as DH didn’t even see the inside of the house for a long time, he probably isn’t that able to be terribly involved.
MIL is still lucid and able to make decisions, I don’t think she needs to set up POA. I do think she needs to move, but since she’s still able to make decisions, then no one can force her into something she doesn’t want to do.
Anon
This MIL may be staying to protect and house SIL and maybe out of shame. MIL might not be so tied to the house (which might be in better shape) without SIL there hoarding. It’s like SIL has a hostage.
Anon
It sounds like, even if the house was in better condition and SIL was able to help, MIL cannot be living in that house anymore. Is she open to a retirement community? A 1 floor apartment? If you cannot do stairs and don’t have a full bathroom on the first floor, then you cannot live in a 2 story house.
My grandmother couldn’t do stairs for the last year of her life and lived in a house with only a half bath on the first floor. She’d crawl down the stairs in the morning, stay downstairs all day, and then crawl back up at night (with my grandfather spotting her). We finally figured out what was happening (greatest generation would never mention having an issue!) when my dad was over late one night and witnessed it. Then, he spent the rest of her life going over every evening to carry her upstairs.
That wasn’t great for anybody, and my grandfather was still fully fit and the house was in good shape. And there were no ILs causing problems.
I would say you need to get MIL into appropriate housing. That’s step one. After that, you can figure out the house issue. If MIL owns it she can choose to try to sell or maybe she makes the house SILs inheritance, transfers ownership to her, and now SIL has to deal (or not deal with and live with) the state of the house.
Anon
You need to let your local adult protective services know what is going on if you are truly worried about your MIL’s safety and well being. But to a certain extent, if your MIL is lucid, rational, and does not want help with SIL, that’s a decision that she is able to make.
Anon
Agreed. People who are saying MIL needs to give her son a power of attorney “now” or needs to move are ignoring her agency over her own life. You do not have to like her choices, but your power is limited to what she will allow and you are willing to do. You can refuse to help or put conditions on your assistance, but as long as she is competent she gets to make her own decisions.
I suspect SIL is acting out of fear and if you make it clear you only want to help mom by making sure mechanical things work she would be more likely to allow it.
Anon
It’s hard to deal with, but this is the truth. Elderly adults who are mentally competent get to make decisions, even bad ones. Also, she might be overlooking some of SIL’s hoarding because she is scared of moving into a nursing home and because she values her daughter’s company at the end of life.
I think the best course of action is for DH to try to get the physical issues such as the loose railing fixed. He can gently bring up whether MIL is interested in moving to a place that would be easier for her to live in, but she can make the final decision. It’s very hard watching loved ones in this situation.
Anon
Even when older adults are lucid and able to make decisions, doesn’t mean they’re making healthy decisions. It sounds like MIL is unable to live in her house and that the house is in barely livable condition. I think OP’s husband can step up here and try to get her into more suitable living.
Apartments with full kitchens are unrentable without a stove. No one should live without access to a full bathroom. Just because MIL wants to stay put doesn’t mean she should.
OTOH, if I was SIL and caring for my mother (however poorly she may be doing so), I would be peeved if a sibling who moved away and wasn’t in the trenches with me day in and day out came in from out of state with grand plans of being the savior.
Anon
DH should definitely talk to his mom about whether she wants to move to a place with better living conditions. Get other siblings involved if possible. I agree with your last paragraph that the out of town sibling swooping in to save mom is not going to be a happy dynamic.
However! When people say things like this, I do wonder what they mean for the end game. MIL still gets to make unhealthy decisions for herself. Just like we do— it is not healthy for me to eat cake for dinner every night, but I can sure do it if I want. I can go outside in the blazing heat while wearing a snowsuit if I want and stay til I pass out, etc. If MIL doesn’t want to move after DH talks to her, then she stays put. He can’t kidnap her and force her to live elsewhere, and the courts won’t intervene unless she’s incompetent.
Anon
OP here — it’s not like we were swooping in from OOS. Pre-COVID, DH drove up monthly after his father died to help around the house. We went to quarterly but regular visits (often with him staying on an extra weekend to do work) once we had kids until COVID shut that down. COVID was what kept them away (at their insistence), but we didn’t think it was more than germ-related (i.e., not that the hoarding had gotten out of hand or that the house had a LOT of issues that were never addressed). You want to respect people’s wishes and assume that there is nothing lurking beneath the surface. When DH came to give MIL a ride to see the relative, we realized too late why we had been kept away despite offers to leave the children at home with me or just wave from outside and test multiple times prior to coming. It’s about a 5-hour drive, so could do without flying or hotels or eating out, just a rest stop.
Anon
If you hadn’t seen the house or MIL since COVID, I think it is swooping in from out of state.
Anon
OP: adding: SIL’s tendencies were known prior to COVID, but COVID was lighting a match on the situation. Limiting contact to MIL, staying away from people, no one coming over. We live a state away but visited regularly when our kids were tiny (so the house had to stay picked up due to little ones; husband is a lot younger that sisters as an OOPS baby and we had kids late). SIL said she (and maybe MIL) weren’t comfortable seeing us for a long time because our kids weren’t old enough for COVID shots and went to school but after a year or so of that did see them outside sometimes. DH went to pick up MIL for a trip to see an ill relative and saw inside for the first time since 2023 (we had seen them, but never inside MIL’s house) and it had drastically deteriorated.
Y’all: check on your people. All may not be well.
ToS
Definitely. Also – check on what housing Mom wants – it’s completely fair for Mom to want less to maintain, so check in with the office on aging in your county to see what is available locally. There are many practical reasons that people move to condos and senior living communities, largely because house and property upkeep become very difficult.
Is the house overrun with stuff because of literal hoarding, or because SIL didn’t want to pay storage fees? Can SIL’s “overage” get sifted to storage? If it’s mental health-related, get SIL in with NAMI or someplace similar so she is looking toward independently living, because that will come for her sooner, rather than later. She’s likely tired of the status quo, too, but might not know how to get to better levels of functioning.
The idea for Meals on Wheels is a good one. Get MIL/SIL back in touch with the community/people checking in.
Plan a family visit so they have some incentive to address this, whether it’s to spend time in the house or to make a plan about necessary improvements for everyone’s health, especially MIL.
Anon
I just want to say I’m sorry you have to deal with this. It’s so hard for everybody when a family member is a hoarder.
IL
You mention the stove not working. I’m guessing that there was evidence of a lack of cooking occurring?
Apart from everything else, would MIL benefit from Meals on Wheels or a similar service offered by a local church or senior center? A lot of seniors around here benefit from a meal delivery program that is the difference between them managing independently and not. It’s not a complete solution, but it’s an easy solution to put in place quickly.
Anon
Okay there are so many different issues here: MILs mental and physical state, the state of the house, the hoarding, the fact that DH has limited access to MIL and the house. Caretaking of MIL. I’m sure there are financial issues and mental health issues at play too with SIL.
MILs health: is her physical health and mobility going to get worse? If so, what’s the plan for that. Can the house accommodate a wheelchair? Is there a plan if her health declines to the point where she cannot be in the house? Does she have any interest or is she even open to looking into alternatives. Alternative don’t have to be a nursing home – she could do a one floor apartment. Does she need to live with SIL for caregiving purposes? Could MIL get one of those stair climbing seats so she has access to a full bathroom? Is MIL receptive to using mobility aids? Has she had any falls?
State of the house: What can DH fix? What can you hire someone to fix? Will SIL live in this house after MIL passes or will the house be sold? If MIL moves out, will SIL stay put or will she have to move out too? If MIL needs to sell the house to afford a nursing home, does the house need work in order to put it on the market (or will selling it as is pay enough to cover the nursing home)? Is there anyway to make a full bathroom or bedroom downstairs for MIL? Is there a point at which the house becomes unlivable? If so, how close is that and what is the plan for MIL and SIL then? Can you get a gurney in the house if MIL falls and EMTs are needed? If not – that’s something that NEEDS to be addressed.
Does SIL need to be a caretaker for MIL? Sounds like SIL likely has financial and MH problems; can she live independently? Without a working stove, are there any food access issues?
Does MIL have plans for end of life: PoA, will, medical directives? What happens if (god forbid) MIL has a major medical issue like a heart attack or stroke today?
SIL is not DH’s circus, not DH’s monkeys. Obviously, getting her into therapy would be great (no hoarder is mentally healthy), but that’s not his issue. Does she work? What’s her plan financially and housing-wise when MIL dies. Not DH’s questions to ask, but hopefully someone is thinking about them.
Do you think there’s any elder abuse or financial abuse happening? If so, report that.
I think you need to think about these issues individually, and go from there.
Also you mention “one of” your SILs; are there additional siblings who could serve as intermediaries? Sounds like DH and SIL don’t hve a good relationship, so additional siblings might help here.
Anon
Can you elaborate about the other siblings and their takes on everything? I think DH is not around enough to truly get a sense of things and SIL obviously has her own issues. If another sibling is a neutral, rational party (maybe lives nearby and has a better understanding of things than DH) that would be helpful.
Anon
TW: Weight loss and body image.
I’m working out, eating better, and have lost weight. I can see it in my body, and feel it in my clothes. I haven’t weighed myself regularly because every time I mean to, I realize the scale is out of batteries, and then I forget to replace them (need to “do the thing” there).
However, I still feel like I look larger in pictures than I do IRL. It makes me feel terrible about myself and the progress I’ve made. I’m almost 40, have had two kids, and a pretty traumatic last few years (including pandemic, multiple deaths of loved one, marriage troubles, a tough baby/newborn, etc.) I finally feel like I’m making progress only to see myself in pictures and…really not feeling good.
Has anyone else dealt with this?
Anon
I am in the exact same boat! 29, former college athlete, gradually let myself go after college but no huge weight gain (10ish lbs). Then, working in public health during the pandemic I gained about 20-25 lbs due to stress and working too much to have healthy habits. I got a new job last year and got serious about my health. I now eat very well, work out (with a good mix of cardio and strength training), focus on recovery and am generally back in the fitness / athlete mindset I used to have. I am in many ways so thrilled with my progress, but I still look big in photos.
I lost almost all of the 20 lbs I gained, put on muscle, and am back wearing a bunch of clothes that didn’t used to fit me. Then I saw 2 recent photos of myself and I still look fat.
It’s really, really disheartening. I look in the mirror and I look skinny and hot. I feel fit and attractive. And then I see photos and I don’t think that at all.
No advice, just commiseration. And, if it makes you feel better commiseration from someone 10 years younger who was a D1 athlete not all that long ago…
Veronica Mars
Honestly, if the issue is photos, I’d start following some TikTok or Youtube channels that teach posing/becoming more photogenic. And/or some of those “instagram reality” accounts. Just the way you’re sitting/posing can make someone look 30lbs heavier. The more you’re aware of how easily bodies can be manipulated in photos, the better you may feel.
Anon
Actually, this is really true.
I just took a terrible picture yesterday, and have the exact same issue as the OP.
Anonymous
There are lots of tips out there for how to pose. It’s all about the angle not about how y you actually look.
Also put the pictures away for a few months and then come back to them. I’m always critical of myself when I first see the pictures but I get over it and enjoy them later.
Seventh Sister
Yes! I hate pretty much all pictures of myself for a couple weeks then they look ok/even flattering.
Cat
if the photos are the issue, practice your poses. A slightly different angle to your arm, putting one foot a bit in front of the other, using a bag or hat to disguise an unflattering angle, etc — all great for feeling as good in pics as you do IRL!
anon
Yep. I’m 42. Gained about 20 pounds during the pandemic; it was a perfect storm of changing hormones, enormous amounts of stress, and an unresolved health issue. I’ve lost about 10, give or take. The last 10 isn’t budging.I’m eating well and working out regularly. I look in the mirror and while I’m curvier than I used to be, I think I look pretty good! Photos tell a different story, and it is really bumming me out. If I can control the pose, it’s okay-ish but that’s not foolproof. I truly wanted to cry when I saw the professional family photos taken last fall. I looked chunky, there is no way around it. I have no advice, because I also don’t recognize myself and it truly sucks.
Anon
Have you bought new clothing? I’m on a weight loss journey and though I’ve bought new pants, I’ve been like “my old tops are fine” and had my picture taken just this weekend. My old tops are, in fact, not fine. I still look my old size in them, which I know isn’t true because my pants are two sizes smaller.
Congrats on achieving your goals! Buy a couple of outfits that fit you to celebrate!
Anon
I agrée with the advice on making sure your clothes fit and on posing. Great posture goes a very long way! And I think too that photos are not purely objective – you’re still looking at them with your insecurity as the lens. I look back on photos of myself from a few years ago that I disliked because I was trying to lose weight…and now with the distance of time I see that I didn’t see things properly!
Anon
Random theory: in real life, we are used to seeing the full range of people – old, young, short, fat, tall and willowy, balding, muscular. So when we see ourselves in the mirror, we subconsciously calibrate it to what we see around us. However, so many photographs are of models, influencers, actresses, or just plain staged, filtered, and photoshopped that our subconscious calibration is messed up. We think we look fat in photos because we rarely see photos that are anything but perfect.
Anon
Eh. I’m in the same boat and I only follow real people on social media (and don’t use social media very often. the people I follow don’t photoshop or anything like that). I also don’t read magazines. Basically, the only people I see pictures of are real people – mostly my friends and family (so a full range of ages, sizes, builds, etc).
I still like how I look int he mirror after my recent weight loss but think I look fat in pictures.
Anon
I’m not any different in that regards; the difference is in awareness of this. There is a selection bias in photos that isn’t there in the Kroger cracker aisle.
ALT
Yep. I used to be very thin and have gained about 40 pounds in ~5 years due to a variety of factors. I have lost about 10 pounds in the last year and feel better but I look so chunky in pictures. Taking headshots a couple months ago gave me a full on panic spiral.
No real advice here other than commiserating and saying that I know how much it sucks. I sometimes think “if a friend posted this picture of herself what would I think about it” and then try to think those things directed towards myself.
Calling Dartmouth alums (and bakers)
I’m thinking of taking a class at the King Arthur Flour Company in Vermont, and I noticed it was across the river from Dartmouth. Since I’m assuming there are alums on this board, am I correct in thinking that I really will need a car for this trip or is public transportation actually feasible? Thanks!
Anon
I’ve traveled in Vermont and cannot imagine not having a car there.
Peaches
No advice but the class sounds really fun! I didn’t know King Arthur offered classes.
Anon
Yeah they have all kinds of classes from just 1 hour things to multi-day events. I’ve long thought it would be a great place for a girls trip, but alas my two close female friends who would enjoy it are hard to travel with.
Anon
I didn’t go to Dartmouth but have been to that part of Vermont and you need a car. There’s no public transit there.
Anon
Plug it in on google maps and see what it tells you.
Anon
You will need a car. You can get to Dartmouth’s campus using the Dartmouth Coach from either Boston or New York. Once there, it is a~10 minute drive that is not walkable to KAF (saying this as someone who walks everywhere possible). Not sure if Uber exists these days, it did not 5 years ago. Enjoy, I love KAF and their classes are great!
Anon
Dartmouth alum here. You want a car. There is public transit but you really shouldn’t rely on it. The area is very rural.
Anon
You need a car. Enjoy the class!
Anon
I went to Dartmouth and never had a car, even when I lived several miles off campus. I walked and biked everywhere, but there is some public transit (upper valley transit, I think? It’s been quite a while so I don’t know how much has changed). Realistically, you probably want a car for this trip, but if you’re able to stay very close by and like to walk or bike, you might be able to get by without a car.
IL
You need a car or to pre-book your local travel through a car service. A list of local car services can be found here: https://lebanonnh.gov/190/Ground-Transportation There are approximately two Uber drivers in the area right now and they don’t work evenings, so don’t plan on that being an option.
You can get up there using the Dartmouth Coach, which I’ve ridden on. It is nice and safe but does not connect to any other form of transit once you are dropped at the bus terminal. The Enterprise and Avis lots are a 10 minute drive from the bus terminal next to the airport, which is reachable by Cape Air.
Enjoy the baking class!
Hollis
Another Dartmouth alum here (and I didn’t know there were others reading!). You need a car to go there and everywhere else in Vermont/New Hampshire. Depending on the time of year, you may want to drive around to other amazing places nearby, like the Simon Pearce glassblowing studio, maple syrup farms, lots of beautiful inns and B&Bs. I’ve never taken a class from King Arthur Flour – please post back and let us know whether it was fun!
Anonymous
Birthday gift suggestions for a 20-something male relative currently in residential treatment for substance abuse? Birthday will fall during treatment and I will need to mail the gift. Budget is up to $50. Likes books, movies and his dog. Was in treatment previously in 2020, and some cozy sweatpants were appreciated, journal and puzzle books not so much.
Anon
Cozy sweatpants then.
Vicky Austin
Maybe with a DVD or two and some popcorn?
Anon
Who has a DVD player anymore? Can you even still buy those?
Vicky Austin
Maybe the rehab facility. OP probably knows or can find out about that if she’s interested in the idea.
Anonymous
Me. Because sometimes the Internet goes down.
Hollis
Books and games sound like they would be great. I like “Born A Crime” for a book that anyone can enjoy. As for games, maybe Monopoly Go or Banagrams. A cozy hoodie is always great, too.
Anon
Is it possible to stop yourself from talking in your sleep?
I don’t do it often but apparently when I do I really make it count. Whenever I learn of the things I said in my sleep I am shocked because they aren’t anything that makes any sense at all. Not grounded in reality, not a secret wish, just messed up stuff. I never remember any of it and only hear about it second-hand from my spouse. A while back he told me I woke him up moaning our neighbor’s name. And more recently, he said I sat up and told him I wished he were more like one of our kid’s teachers (who I barely know and don’t find remarkable for any reason). I have also said more innocuous things, like expressing interest in going on a ski trip even though I don’t ski and don’t like downhill winter sports. This happens maybe once a year and none of the instances he tells me about match any dreams I had that night.
The innocuous stuff is mildly amusing to learn about, but the off-the-wall comments about other men are hurtful to my spouse. I can only imagine what it is like to hear things like that even if he knows I am not lucid and don’t mean them. Is this something I can somehow train myself to become aware of so I can stop it from happening? Even though it doesn’t really seem like a medical issue, is this something a doctor might be able to help with?
Senior Attorney
Honestly I think your spouse needs to get over it. The only doctor who can help is a therapist — for him.
Anon
Exactly this.
Vicky Austin
Yup. This is not remotely your problem to fix.
Anonie
I don’t know. Petty or not, this would really hurt my feelings if I were in the spouses’ shoes. Assuming of course, he is trustworthy and there is no reason to doubt what he is saying…history of white lies or jealousy issues on his part etc.
My sympathies, OP. I am really sorry! I wonder if a sleep specialist could help, although it doesn’t seem super likely.
Anon
Yeah, even if it’s something my spouse couldn’t control + didn’t actually feel I still wouldn’t love it as a partner…
Anon
Yeah this would be really hard for me to hear even if I rationally understood it wasn’t my spouse’s fault.
Anon
Which is why the therapy would be for you in that case.
Annony
This video was hilarious … might help take the sting out of things …
https://slate.com/human-interest/2016/12/guy-records-his-sleep-talking-and-its-hilariously-bizarre-video.html
Vicky Austin
That video makes me laugh every single time. “Woah…Bikes!”
Betsy
When I sleep on my back, I am much more prone to sleep talking or nightmares – have you tried changing up your sleep position?
Tonsils
Any advice for recovery of an elementary-aged child having their tonsils and adenoids out? I hear stories across the spectrum from “this is nothing” to “this is worse than childbirth”. It sounds like most is age-based, with it getting worse as you get older, but any anecdata on what to expect? Things that help? We bought every frozen treat Trader Joe’s had yesterday, but anything else that I can do to prepare?
Senior Attorney
I had this surgery at 12 and it was no big deal. I think you’re good to go with the frozen treats.
Anon
My 3 year old had this done and it was fine. He didn’t eat anything different post surgery. I would be prepared to give Motrin or Tylenol if needed. Good luck!
Anon
My sister had this surgery at like 10 or 11, and she was very sick for 5 days. I remember being scared as the older sister. If you have other kids, prepare them for it and reassure them everything will be ok.
Anonymous
both my boys had it when they were preschool – well, just adenoids – and there weren’t any problems. my aunt-in-law had it done in her 40s and said it was absolutely horrible.
i’d get treats – maybe some movies or something downloaded to an ipad they can watch in the hospital if they have to stay after the surgery? both of my boys were sobbing uncontrollably when they woke up; it was really hard for the first hour but after that it was all fine.
maybe make some jello too…
CJ
Thoughts on maxi skirts/dresses in the office? I’m an attorney in a casual west-coast midsize law firm. Attorneys of all level regularly wear jeans unless meeting with clients. I’m not a jeans person (I find them physically uncomfortable), and I typically lean towards skirts or dresses. In my personal life, I treat maxi skirts and dresses like most people treat jeans. I have some quality maxis in substantial materials (thick, fully lined, etc.) and solid, dark colors that I would love to wear on non-client days while the weather is so hot. I’d wear them with a blouse or cardigan and jewelry to elevate the look.
Anon
I could see doing a silk or satin midi skirt + appropriate top. I struggle on seeing how a maxi dress or skirt is workplace appropriate. A LOT of people wear them to my office and it looks like they just stopped by the office on a way to a bridal shower, it’s not good.
Anonie
Sounds nice!
Peaches
Sounds fine to me.
NYCer
If people wear jeans regularly, I would feel totally fine wearing a maxi skirt or dress.
Anon
I agree these are the same casual level as jeans and would endorse wearing a nice one with a work-appropriate top and jewelry.
Anon
100% fine!
Anonymous
I think it depends a lot on the dress. I am confused by your saying you’d wear them with a “blouse.” Do you mean they are sleeveless and you’d wear a shirt over like a cardigan? I don’t love that idea for the office. A cardigan might work better. Also, are these knit and bodycon? I wouldn’t favor those at the office. However, I have been wearing some midi/maxi long-sleeved shirt dresses everywhere lately, including to my casual law office. While I think they look very casual and am just mostly okay with them because I simply can’t figure out a better solution to an extremely hot car commute (with no A/C) and an overly-air conditioned office, both men and women in my office have complimented them and on occasion men have asked if I’ve been to court. (I would NEVER wear these to court, but I do find that informative as to how the look is being received.)
Anonymous
ETA after re-reading – If you mean wearing a nice blouse with a nice maxi skirt, that seems like it could be a great look.
Anecdata
Seconded
He misused his authority to hit on adults with a power differential (his reports!). If there’s any ethics line/anonymous way you can report that to the city, do so.
If you can’t report anonymously – I’d consider reporting anyway. I can’t make that risk decision for you but far too many guys float along in this kind of plausible deniability like this.
anon
What’s the job market looking like these days? I’m in consulting at an MBB, and while I have long loved this job, I think I’m about done. And I haven’t really looked elsewhere for the past 7-8 years so feel like I am starting from zero. And I have no idea what I want, and no real idea of how to figure that out. Not sure what I am looking for here, just feel stuck and lost.
Anon
Also at an MBB. Your firm should have lots of resources for this, both formal help and informal guidance for thinking about what’s next. I would use these up.
In terms of the market, I think things will be better in a few months. Can you do a sabbatical or internal rotation and start looking in January?