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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I love the drama of this tie-neck blouse from St. John Collection. The combination of the leopard print and oversized tie give it a little bit of extra flourish. I would pair this with dark trousers or a neutral pencil skirt, because there is such a thing as too much drama.
The blouse is $895 and comes in sizes 0-18.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
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- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Spain
You all give such wonderful travel recommendations. Can you help with a trip to Spain in May with my sister? First time for both of us so we want to join a tour to hit Madrid, Barcelona, maybe Seville? We love food and plan to try a Michelin star restaurant in one of the major cities. Recs for restaurants and a tour company? Is Rick Steves the way to go? We’d like to spend around $2,500 per person for a 5-7 day tour and we are too old and sedentary for G-Adventures.
Anon
Do not go on a tour if you love food! All your meals will be predetermined by the tour and they’re likely to be mediocre ones.
Anon
Idk, I disagree with this. We’ve had some of our best travel experiences on food tours. It’s not just the food you’re trying, it’s also learning about local delicacies, and how the city’s history shaped their cuisine. I find them fascinating and make me feel much more well-informed when ordering off the menu the rest of the trip. Check out Eating Europe, we had a fabulous time with them in Rome and I think they do either Madrid or Barcelona. Granted, a food tour is just 3-4 hours – not sure if you’re looking for a tour for the whole trip.
Anonymous
Right so obviously a different thing
Anon
Yikes, rough Monday huh?
Anon
Oh I completely agree, do lots of short food tours! I thought the OP was contemplating doing an organized tour for the entire trip and those should be avoided by anyone who cares about food.
Anon
She said “join a tour to hit Madrid, Barcelona, maybe Seville.” She’s taking about a 7+ day bus tour, not a food tour on foot that lasts a few hours. Completely different animals.
Anon
Rick Steves is definitely the way to go. I’d avoid the tour company other than to possibly assist in booking flights/hotels.
Anonymous
I would not do a tour. I would buy Rick Stevens’s book and plan it yourselves.
Walnut
I usually start this kind of planning by researching the cities and making note of my must dos. The deeper I go, the agenda starts to firm up and I’ll either cut or add locations and adjust the dates as I go. I’ll usually ear mark one or two “must dos” per day and then 3 to 5 other items (cafe, shop, park, etc) in my vicinity. This affords the time to spend longer at something unexpected, while avoiding the scramble of “what’s next?” where you frantically google and come up empty. Don’t underestimate the value of a long conversation at a bistro table with your beverage of choice.
Wanderlog is my current favorite tool for this ideation phase and has helped me think about my days and the time eaten by transit. Fewer cities is usually best unless you like to spend lots of time in transit or if the road trip/train travel is part of the enjoyment for you.
Anon
I wouldn’t do a tour for the entire trip, and I am not an adventous traveler. I’d look at Rick Steves for some outlines.
I would definitely do a 1/2 day or full day food tour in one of the cities, probably relying on Trip Advisory for popular ones. They are a great way to hit some good spots and get a walking tour in at the same time.
Anon
+1. I said don’t do a tour but I meant an organized tour that arranges accommodation, tr@nsport, etc. like G Adventures. Food tours are a great idea. I’d do one in every city you visit.
anon
To add to all the excellent ideas already said, we’re not fancy eaters so I don’t have any Michelin recs but I loved loved loved food in Spain. So many small tapa bars to hit, everything is cheap and delicious, especially the hole in the wall places that locals go to. Don’t be afraid to try small dingy establishments.
The other thing I love about Spain is there are so many opportunities for free museums and sites. Check each museum/church/palace’s website for information on when they allow for free visitation. We went to Reina Sofia, Prado, and the Seville Alcazar for free thanks to some good planning and timing.
Anon
On the other hand, the free days tend to be REALLY crowded unless you travel way off-season (which May in Spain is not), so it may be worth paying for things like the Prado and Royal Alcazar. We specifically avoid the free days at the most popular museums when we travel.
anon
At least at the time I went, the alcazar free time slot still requires a ticket that you have to get online ahead of time, so they definitely control how many people get in.
We were at the Prado on Spanish Day. Short and quick line to get in, maybe some crowding around Las Meninas but otherwise it was normal museum crowd to me. Much more manageable compared to the Lourve on any ole Tuesday.
Spain
Thanks all for the replies so far. I understand that I’ll get more out of the trip if I plan everything myself, but for several reasons, we definitely want to do an organized tour for the whole trip and will go off on our own for a special meal during one of the free days. Would love recs from anyone who has used an organized tour company for a multi-city tour in Spain.
Anon
I did the Rick Steves’ Best of Spain a few years ago, and I loved it. (I was 34 at the time). I just wouldn’t have planned a trip to Spain otherwise. I enjoyed the meals, and there are free nights where you can go out for a fancier dinner if that’s your thing. It is 14 days, though. A friend of my mom’s recently did the Rick Steves “My Way” tour of Spain, which might be a nice compromise — lodging and in-county transportation are arranged, but you’re on your own for meals.
Runcible Spoon
You might like to consider Gate 1 Travel — they currently offer an art tour of Madrid, Valencia, and Barcelona, with a few evenings where you can get dinner on your own. Enjoy!
Ginger
5-7 days will be too short to hit all three cities.
Barcelona – DH and I did Barcelona on our own and it was about 5 days. We relied heavily on Rick Steve’s Audio Europe walking tours (get the app) and Rick Steve’s website to plan our itinerary. We used Grayline Tours to visit Girona and the Dali Museum in a neighboring city. It was much easier than trying to figure out public transportation. We also did a day trip to Montserrat on our own. Keep in mind that the main meal in Spain is mid-day, from about 1-3, 3:30. Do the menu del dia, a fixed price meal that quite reasonable. Dinner is very late and most restaurants don’t open for dinner until 8 or 8:30. We usually skipped dinner and just had tapas.
Madrid & Seville – we visited these cities last year as part of a Globus tour (our first time ever on an organized tour). It was a pleasure not having to plan every detail of the trip, especially transportation. Dinners were not included every night but the first night in a new city usually included an organized dinner. We arrived in Madrid a day early and used Rick Steve’s walking tours again. The tour also went to Toledo, which you can do as a day trip from Madrid. We visited other cities, including Seville. Depending on the city, we usually had several hours of free time to explore on our own. DH and I used RS guide books to check out additional sights that weren’t covered by the organized tour.
I just came back from Spain on Saturday after hiking the Portugese Camino to Santiago, Spain. Enjoy!
Anonymous
Look at Martin Randall Travel – a UK company. One of their shorter tours might fit your budget. I have done several trips with them.
Anon
Do any of you have Carrot fertility benefits through work? It includes menopause stuff, which is where in the spectrum I fall. Is this anything my OBGYN can’t handle? It is creepy to me to log onto work and Carrot is emailing me the menopause.
Cat
I think those are designed for people who want more hand-holding through the process. If you’re content with the info and care you’re receiving, just unsubscribe?
Anonymous
This is incorrect.
Anonymous
It’s not creepy. It is part of your healthcare benefit. It is how your company manages providing these benefits. It isn’t a healthcare provider! You still see your doctor. It’s like United healthcare but fertility and in your plan full spectrum coverage.
Anon
Work added it where I work for everyone and I opt out of our benefits for health insurance every year.
I’m a cynic but I just see it as a way to work us to death during our childbearing years with the promise of just having a baby later. I think that about tech companies offering egg freezing also.
Anon
I agree with you.
Anon
Maybe, but for people who need fertility coverage or want that type of healthcare support, it’s a way to retain those employees. Fertility treatments can be extremely expensive and the cost is out of reach for many people. Insurance also does not typically cover HRT. Many OB/Gyns will not discuss HRT or do hormone testing.
Anon
Our insurance covers HRT meds. Is that not typical?
Anon
Most OB-gyns are too young to be in this themselves but it what they are trained to do. Some docs in my city have practices limited to this older cohort and they are amazing.
Anon
I guess I could be wrong. I have a few friends that pay out of pocket for HRT. I have no idea what their insurance is like but they have pretty typical corporate jobs.
Anon
I haven’t had to deal with this yet, but my understanding is that it’s extremely common for insurance to not cover HRT and for women to struggle to find doctors to even take them seriously when they want to talk about it. The blogger at Wardrobe Oxygen had a good post about this a couple months ago and the NY Times also had a recent article about how companies are now starting to cover menopause benefits like this because they’re realizing it’s a problem to lose their female employees at the peak of their careers! It might feel creepy, but the current state of coverage is pretty bad, so there’s a major need for improvement.
Anon
And can say that my insurance covers my estradiol prescription, but I basically had to diagnose myself and ask for it. The OB/Gyn I saw kind of giggled and shrugged before giving me a prescription. She came highly recommended by many women, obviously not with my medical issues though.
Anon
It was my GP doc who sent me to a uro/gyn and she prescribed the miracle estradiol. Why wouldn’t they be pushing that like Viagra?
Anon
Anon at 10:13. Your post about the giggling is infuriating. It is not as if the need for estradriol is a high point of our lives. Just wow. Female docs are not always better.
Anonymous
“Why wouldn’t they be pushing [estrodial] like Viagra?”
I think we know, right?
Anonymous
Or, it’s a benefit companies are offering because women are asking for it? I’m thrilled my company is adding comprehensive fertility coverage because I’m single and 40 and want a baby. And no, I never put it off for my career. Like be skeptical all you want but don’t tell people this is a random creepy thing.
anon
+1. Have you ever met couples who have gone through fertility treatments that weren’t covered by insurance? I think that’s gotten a little better, but the cost is astronomical and the emotional cost is probably even higher.
Anon
I know so many women (myself included) who have decided that if they cannot get pregnant without fertility treatments, then they will not be getting pregnant.
There are many reasons that factor into this decision for me, but the financial cost is a big factor.
anon
11:31, I hear you. I had secondary infertility, and I learned not to tell people that DH & I would not be pursuing fertility treatments. Either pregnancy would happen, or it wouldn’t. I fully support anyone who goes through fertility treatments; I just knew that it was not something I wanted to do. I acknowledge that it was probably different because we had a kid already, but people were weirdly unsympathetic when we’d gently say that fertility treatment was not something we were pursuing.
Anon
Oh man, I had secondary infertility. I sought fertility treatment mostly because I wanted to try getting my tubes flushed with saline, which was covered by my regular health insurance that did not cover fertility treatments. The number of times I had to explain to them that I didn’t want to even take Clomid was wild.
Anon
Different experience: DH and I met late, and rushed our engagement and wedding to put ourselves in a better position to have kids. We got married when I was 37, but my family of origin really wanted me to wait until I was 39 so as to have “proper” (their words) engagement parties and showers and such. I received a stunning amount of pushback. One even boycotted because “you can have a baby when you’re 42” and she wanted a big bash that she could swan about in and brag to her less-affluent friends about.
It wasn’t like being 27 versus 29, when those two years probably make no difference, or, on the other end, 46 versus 48. The assumption was “it will all be fine and if it’s not, just use IVF.” There was just no concern that I was at the age when months matter.
What that has to do with Carrot and the workplace? While most women in their late 30s aren’t about delaying for funsies, plenty of other people see nothing wrong with pressuring women into holding out until the last possible minute, and if things go haywire, pulling the bunny of “just do IVF” out of the magic hat.
Anon
+1 to 11:31 AM
anon
12:03, and Clomid only helps for specific things! Yet it’s suggested all the time as an entry-level treatment option. Ovulation was not my issue. Turns out, undiagnosed endometriosis was. No amount of Clomid was going to help my implantation issues.
Cerulean
Anon at 11:31, I swore I would never pursue fertility treatments. Then we couldn’t conceive and I decided to go to a clinic to “just” get some tests run, since I’m in a state where insurance coverage is mandated. I then “just” did some IUIs, then eventually IVF (and honestly, it wasn’t nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. The fact that it was a minimal cost was a huge factor). I think a lot of people feel this way until they actually are faced with infertility. It’s easy to feel like you know what you would do when you aren’t actually in a certain situation.
And not to say that secondary infertility isn’t a big deal when you want another (because it is!), but I think the scenarios are quite different when you don’t have any children at all versus not being able to have more.
anon
+1 to anon at 9:55 am. When I froze my eggs in my mid-30s, I remember desperately wishing I worked a company that covered it (instead of the government) so I wouldn’t have had to wipe out a huge chunk of my already paltry savings. It may be the case that companies introduce it in part to get women to delay childbearing, but at least one net benefit of it is that women who couldn’t afford this treatment otherwise are actually able to receive it.
Anon
Uhm, no.
Anon
So would you rather not have it? Or prefer that women who want it don’t get access? No one is forcing you to use the benefit you know.
Anon
It doesn’t sound like it is medical insurance or additional coverage.
Anonymous
And yet it is additional
Coverage.
Anonymous
It might include coverage but it looks like it doesn’t always.
“ Your Carrot Plan unlocks your benefit and allows you to access exclusive resources, including employer-sponsored funds, if provided. Depending on your path and profile, your plan could include virtual chats with medical experts, doctor-approved educational resources, exclusive discounts at top clinics and agencies, holistic support throughout pregnancy, information on how to access medication through Carrot Rx, and more.“
Anon
This “Uhm, no” comment was in relation to this stupid comment:
“I’m a cynic but I just see it as a way to work us to death during our childbearing years with the promise of just having a baby later. I think that about tech companies offering egg freezing also.”
Anon
IMO these things that are not “insurance” are often just info and referral services. Like what we have for emergency backup childcare: a lot of paperwork and then a link to a service where you may or may not be able to find someone to come to your house and watch your kids. You don’t really get to vet them before and you know basically just that someone is supposed to have vetted that they are legal to work in this country and maybe a bit more from a background check. But it’s not a promise of care and often not any break on the pricing. They get to say “backup care benefits” and it’s not much more than an app that isn’t much better than a google search.
Anon
I think it must vary according to what your employer wants to pay – my backup care is only $10/day.
Anon
Shoot if we had that people would abide it and only do backup care. I think ours are at least $15/hour and it should be seamless with dependent care but isn’t. Like I have 2 kids and have never used it likely because I don’t think that THey come if the reason you can’t use your care is for fevers or pinkeye.
Anon
There was a woman at my prior workplace who used the subsidized backup childcare in lieu of finding regular childcare, so the company discontinued it. It was great when I used it, and I was sad when it went away.
(She was one of the highest paid women in our office so it wasn’t an affordability thing. I don’t know why she did it.)
Anon
Ar my office. It’s $10 a day but you can only use limited visits each year. If I remember right, each employee is limited to 5 visits a year
Anon
Thoughts on current looks for 2023 boots? I feel that I can donate all of what I wore with skinny jeans.
Cat
I never subscribed to the bootie trend but think that look is done. I’ll be wearing my flat knee-high boots under midi length skirts and dresses.
Anon
Can you wear a booty with full-length pants? Longer shafts are hard to work with except under a baby bootcut or fuller leg. Just trying to see if I can repurpose at all or just waive the white flag and get some Chelsea boots (tan? Cognac? I think I never need grey boots again — why did I ever buy a quality boot in that color?!).
Anon
I must admit I do not understand the difference between booties and ankle boots and Chelsea boots.
That said – I’m wearing heeled ankle boots in a few different styles (low block heel and platform, with varying shaft heights). Full length straight leg or boot cut or flare pants fall over the top of the shaft (like we used to do pre-skinny jeans!). I also wear a lot of cropped pants and either the pants skim the top of the boot or there’s a gap (I like that look, know it’s not for everyone).
The only flat boots I have are blundstones for a more casual look.
NYC
+1 The very low booties with more of an open shaft that you’d wear with tights or skinny jeans are very out. Any bootie with a higher shaft (heeled or not) can be worn with wider or straight leg jeans (cropped or long) that go over the shaft of the boot. I don’t care for the gap between my pants and the boot, so I just wear higher shaft boots with my cropped/ankle length pants.
NaoNao
To me:
Booties: a heeled, more delicate boot that’s designed to go with dresses and skirts, a “going out” boot, ankle-high or lower.
Ankle boots: the general category that any boot lower than a mid-calf falls into. I wouldn’t use this to describe a specific boot type (like a Chelsea), it’s akin to “thigh high boots” or “OTK boots” in terms of usage
Chelsea boots: a flat ankle boot with a narrow almond, square, or pointed toe with a straight across opening at the ankle, typically minimalist and streamlined.
Anon
Ankle booties are done. Booties that hit mid calf or a few inches above your ankle bone are everywhere. I love heeled sock booties with skirts and dresses.
Anon
Are shoe-ties dead? I have a pair from Sorel that are so comfy.
Anon
Shoeties have been dead for a while.
I do think ankle boots are still fine though
Anonymous
Thinking of higher shaft booties to slip under my wider leg cropped pants. Im also thinking of a pair of knee high boots with a wider shaft and kitten heel for under dresses. That’s what feels modern and wearable to me right now. I think western influenced styles are also trending but I bought some cowboy boots to wear with dresses last spring and I’m not totally feeling them right now.
Marketiere
I am going to keep and continue to wear all of my boots – ankle, mid-calf, sorel-style wedges, riding, over the knee. They make me happy and I don’t mind looking a little out of date for a style of shoe that I love.
Anonymous
Same.
anon
Yup.
No Face
Same. But I’m also in the Midwest, and the temperature may drop all the way below 0 at some point. Being precisely on trend is less important than dressing for the temperature and precipitation type.
anon
Plus, good boots are expensive! I want to wear what I paid good money for.
Anon Aus
Exactly!
Cb
Agreed. I just am not convinced I’m going through everyday life (school run, commuting, conferences, teaching) with people who when quizzed afterward could tell you what shoes I was wearing and whether they were “current” or not?
anon
Exactly. Like I’ll keep the trends in mind if I’m replacing anything. But I want to wear my expensive boots for more than a couple of seasons.
Anon
Agree. I have some really nice ankle boots that I’ve had for a few years, and especially with the new wider/straight leg pants/jeans – I don’t see how anyone but me is going to know how high up my ankle the boots go?
For the most part, I believe in trying to be “current” but some of this just gets ridiculous, IMO. And also wasteful. I’m supposed to throw out/donate my Cole Haan ankle boots because the “current” style is for the boot shaft to come 3″ higher up my calf – which no one will see anyway because I’ve already switched to straight-leg jeans and the jeans come to the top of my foot? Please.
Marketiere
Exactly this. I tried last week to suggest a change in outfit for my grade-school age daughter last week (her colors clashed) and she point-blank stated: “Mom, nobody cares what I wear. They need to mind their own business and only worry about their own selves.” Words to live by.
Runcible Spoon
Smart girl!
Anon
Yup. I’m also in Canada which means boots are worn for practicality, not necessarily fashion.
Anon
They may not be the most current, but I’d never donate boots like Fryes, Doc Martens or Redwings that are in great condition. Trends cycle in and out but expensive high-quality leather boots have a much longer lifespan than leather sandals or sneakers. The Lucky brand ankle boots I wore for a few years with skinny jeans? Those I donated. Frye Moto or harness boots? Holding on to those.
anon
+1. My black riding boots are older than my first child, who is in middle school. They are beautiful and I’m never getting rid of them. I don’t wear them quite as often as I used to, but they look polished and are warm in the dead of winter.
Velma
I actually just brought my Frye campus boots back out after several years of storage. I think I might wear them with longer skirts/dresses and maybe under wide-leg jeans.
Anon
Ha I’m wearing my Red Wings today and was just thinking that they’re not as on trend as they were a few years ago but they’re so well made!
Anon
I don’t think that they’re ‘trendy’ but I just got some cole haan Hampshire ankle boots. To me they’re a classic and these are comfortable. I live in the upper Midwest where half the year these will be great to wear with work pants and jeans. Maybe I’ll wear the black ones with black tights at some point but I think of it more as cold place classic that doesn’t really go ‘out’.
anon
Those are lovely and classic. That cognac color is divine. I had similar boots in the mid-aughts that I wore until they fell apart, and this is making me want a similar pair for 2023!
Vicky Austin
Following – I really love the Thursday Boot Company styles but my fashion sensibilities are from 2015 and I’m wary of following them.
Velma
I just tried and returned some Thursday Dreamers (low-heel chelsea). They ran a little large–fit almost exactly like Frye (i.e, I’ll need the smaller of the two sizes that I sometimes wear).
I was glad to get a look at them. They seem quite nicely made, with some arch support and a padded insole (not removable). I’d definitely consider trying different styles and may watch for them on ebay/poshmark.
I agree that some of the styles look dated and wouldn’t make a good investment for a few years of wear. I wouldn’t buy the “modern” ankle boot, for example. I like the captain boot and the simple, flat chelsea.
Vicky Austin
Thank you!
Anonymous
Has anyone tried jewelry by Melanie Casey? I’m looking at a Morse code necklace to commemorate an event. Or Dorsey is all over my instagram. Is that just an influencer thing or has anyone in real life tried it and does it hold up?
Anon
Following. If there are mens items, my partner would love something in Morse code.
Anon
I bought a ring once and it was so flimsy I could barely see it. I’d pass.
Anon
I just want to complain somewhere anonymous for a moment about all the indignities of dementia. Not only does it rob your loved one’s intellect and ability to do the things they love, it seems to shrink their world daily. We are doing long-distance caregiving for a relative with dementia and it’s becoming increasingly hard for her to participate in a basic conversation about the smallest things in her world. It’s just devastating. And it’s everything I fear about aging.
Anon
Same. My neighbor has it and her husband is a saint. He is a total ass otherwise but I am amazed at how good he is with her. And he is old enough that the possibility of caregiving, much less to someone who will need it forever and won’t get better, was never on his radar.
Leatty
I’m so sorry. We are going through something similar with my MIL, except her body is shutting down while her mind is intact. Soon she will be a prisoner of her own body – able to think but not communicate, immobile and bed bound, in pain, and reliant on a feeding tube. It is the saddest thing to watch, and my heart breaks when I think of how this disease has robbed such a vibrant wonderful woman of everything.
Anonymous
I realize this is very personal, but if you feel you can handle it, I’d encourage you to become involved in lobbying for death with dignity laws. I am personally horrified by the possibility of lingering long term in a care facility or imposing that on my relatives. My husband and I have seriously discussed moving to NJ or VT short term if needed to qualify for the option. I believe it can easily pass in states like CT, DE, or MA if there is more awareness raised around it.
Anon
+1
My maternal grandmother experienced many terrible years prior to death due to dementia. I am fully aware this is probably my fate, and while I am doing what I can now, am absolutely planning to figure out where I can make the choice to die before this happens (or hoard meds and just do it).
Anon
I’m very much in favor of this type of law, but I think they don’t generally apply to people with dementia, correct?
Anon
They do not. The death with dignity laws are intended for people who have a terminal condition (details vary) but are still capable of making their own medical decisions. When someone is first diagnosed with dementia they could make decisions but their death is not proximate enough for the laws to apply. And by the time the laws apply, they can no longer make their own decisions.
We had some luck in our family with a durable power of attorney for health care and very clear written direction (and verbal confirmation very late in the process) regarding withholding nutrition under certain circumstances. But we had 100% agreement in the family and a doctor who knew the family member well. I am not sure how much luck we would have had in a more bureaucratic facility.
Anon
What did you do? Just stop feeding or water? I get it but it is also a bit horrifying — how to doctors and nurses and other staff just stand by and not feed someone when their license could be at stake for neglect and not “going no harm”? I get that that this is a slippery slope but other countries seem to have slipped past the point where I’m comfortable.
Anon
In this situation, the most common course is to continue to offer food and water by mouth so that the patient can take sips or bites according to their thirst and hunger. This is how people have been cared for at the end-of-life for millennia, and it still holds true in many (if not most) communities around the world. It is not the same as starvation, which is withholding food from someone who wants to eat. The vast majority of bioethicists agree that there is nothing unethical about foregoing medical interventions like (IV hydration or tube feedings) that carry risk with questionable benefit.
Anon
But there is real suffering with not giving hydration to a person. You may have dementia but I’m not convinced that there is no awareness of it. You can live for longer without food. IDK how ethicists are OK with this — is there a good site to read up on this?
Anon
Anon @ 11:21, withholding nutrition for someone at the end of their life is standard practice. I know it sounds barbaric, but remember that these people are not aware and often unconscious. They don’t have the urge to eat or drink anymore.
Anon
Foregoing interventions is a choice I can make for myself but IDK that we get to deny care to others. If I did that with a person in my care, I could be charged with a crime even if I could say I meant well
Anon
Surely IV hydration is palliative.
Anon at 10:59
Patients are allowed to refuse treatment. That includes feeding tubes and IV hydration. Medical professionals are not allowed to provide interventions without consent. So yes, they “stand by” and do not provide care that has been refused.
The rub of course is when the patient is not capable of giving consent. However, that is what a durable power of attorney and an advanced directive is for. In our case, our family member (a grandparent) had a very clear and explicit advanced directive about feeding tubes so once he could not eat on his own we kept him medicated and let him go in line with his wishes.
Anon
I’m a palliative care doctor and have supported many, many families and patients through these decisions and situations. When people with advanced disease approach the end of life, their sense of hunger and thirst almost always wanes. This is a normal part of the dying process. (Anecdotally, I’ve noticed that people who’ve lived on farms or had a lot of pets know this intuitively — one of the first signs that an animal is approaching the end is that they stop eating and drinking. We are no different.) Forcing food or water on someone in this stage can be very uncomfortable. This is why we encourage families to offer food and drink, but don’t pressure or force it on anyone. For the same reason, we rarely use IV hydration or artificial nutrition in this situation. When someone is dying, these kinds of interventions can be distressing, confusing, and uncomfortable, causing fluid to build up in their tissues or lungs. Again, this is not withholding care — you’re still caring for the dying person by offering bites of food, ice chips, sips of fluids, allowing them to take in what they can handle, trusting that their body knows what to do. I’ve cared for people with advanced dementia who spend 24/7 in bed in a fetal position, eyes closed, nonverbal and unresponsive, but when you offer them food and fluids, they accept it. People can live for months or years at this level. This is not the same as actively dying, when hunger and thirst taper off. On the rare occasions that we use IV hydration at the end-of-life, it is almost always to palliate the distress of family members, not the patient.
Anon
I can’t imagine denying hydration. That to me is like denying paid meds.
Anon
My understanding is that withholding hydration (such as subcutaneous fluids) can be incredibly cruel to patients in distress from dehydration. I’ve witnessed the relief that fluids can provide a dying animal in a veterinary context (relief from nausea and thirst). I thought it was part of the basics of palliative care.
Anonymous
That’s correct. Because of the issues of consent and awareness, people with dementia are generally not eligible for these programs. There are exceptions and some locations.
Anon
OP here and I agree with the post at 10:59 – it’s not so easy for people with dementia. Also, my relative has anosognosia (lack of awareness that she has dementia), so wouldn’t accept or understand the need to discuss this kind of end of life decision-making. It sucks on like 7000 dimensions, honestly.
anon
I’ve suggested this before, but the books on ambiguous loss by Pauline Boss may be of some comfort to you. Having been there, there is a huge and taxing component of grieving the person whose body is in front of you. Also, accept that Facetime is a time to practice your never to be performed standup act. At a point, it will just become a monologue and your relative will just like the prattle of a familiar voice – which is trying. Finally, embrace the funny moments. Fully watched my relative put someone in time out – by, I kid you not, putting the iPad in the corner with facetime still turned on (and informing them they were in timeout).
Anon
They do not. You have to have a terminal illness, and dementia doesn’t qualify.
Anon
I think the best option for people with dementia is the death clinics in Switzerland. https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2022/03/08/1084912553/alzheimers-assisted-suicide-amy-bloom-in-love
I’ve promised my mom I’ll take her there if/when she gets dementia because she lost her mother to it and absolutely doesn’t want to go through it.
Cerulean
I think a lot of people say this, but wouldn’t want to actually follow through while they’re still lucid enough to consent.
Anon
My husband and I have both committed to each other that if one of us gets dementia or ALS, we will go to the clinics in Switzerland vs. putting our family through a prolonged, agonizing period of watching a person deteriorate. I don’t want to live through end-stage dementia or ALS and do not intend to do so. My husband feels the same. I also intend to go through our state’s Death With Dignity program if I get a terminal cancer diagnosis. There are things that are worse than death; for us, in our spiritual belief system, death is just a transition. I will transition sooner rather than later, once it becomes clear that there is no path forward for me to live with body or brain functioning at a level to keep me appropriately independent.
Anne-on
This is something I think I need to put in our advance directives. I am not religious, don’t think there is any moral high ground to slowly declining and the cost of memory care units in the US is insane – that’s without the impact on your loved ones. I’d much rather settle my affairs, say a proper goodbye, and leave on my own terms.
Cerulean
Every dementia case in my family started with a total denial that there was any cognitive decline at all by the person in question. I really think it’s a much harder thing to time in practice.
Anon
I think it’s true that a lot of people think this is what they want, but change their mind later. The “you” that you will be when these symptoms begin can feel differently. (I have some experience with this though I was very lucky and ended up having a treatable cause, though that wasn’t clear at the time.)
Anon
I’m the one who mentioned my mom. I’m certainly not going to twist her arm to do it, but I know my mom well and I would be shocked if she reverses course on this. At 70, she already feels like she’s lived a relatively long and very fulfilling life and will likely be quite a bit older by the time dementia sets in (it didn’t impact her mom until 85+), and my mom has always felt that there’s no point in prolonging physical life when the mind is gone. My grandmother was begging to die for most of her ~10 years in memory care, so I don’t think it’s true that most dementia patients are blissfully unaware of what’s going on. Many are suffering and want to end it, they just don’t have the means.
anon
I read that book earlier this year and it moved me to tears. One of the most beautiful books I’ve ever read. Highly recommend to those interested in this topic.
Anon
I wish I thought I could trust existing healthcare systems with this, but based on my experiences so far, I really do not.
anon
Yeah, the experience in Canada is not making me feel great about expansion of death with dignity laws, tbh. Some of the cases that are reported really seem like situations where people are seeking medical aid in dying due to lack of social supports or mental health care and I feel like it would only be worse in the profit-driven US system. My aunt has Parkinson’s Disease Dementia and getting her insurance to cover what’s needed is really hard, and I can see a situation where MAID might be covered but other care would not be…which is not great.
Anon
People in Canada are 100% dying because of the lack of social support. It’s horrific.
Anon
My aunt has this too and it is just devastating. She called 911 for a man in her house. I’m a small town they knew her but she only remembers her first husband and not the current one she has had for 40+ years.
Anon
We also need serious research into prevention and treatment (to me the Aduhelm scandal shows how unserious past efforts have been). In the meantime, PSA to take antivirals whenever you get a cold sore, and to get every vaccine available to you as you age.
Anon
This would be euthanizing people unable to give consent, no?
Anon
Yes. It’s the worst possible thing that happens as one ages. I would so much rather be frail of body and sharp of mind than like my father in law, who was strong and hardy but did not remember any of us or anything that had happened in his life.
anon
Yes, to a point. My grandma died from ALS, and let me tell you, seeing her essentially trapped in her own body, being fully cognizant of what she was going through, was a special kind of hell. (Not trying to turn this into the suffering Olympics, just offering another perspective. Dementia is awful and cruel. I have two relatives going through it now.)
Anon
+1 both dementia and ALS are incredibly cruel.
anon
It is so very hard. Two of my aunts are in their early 80s and suffering from dementia. One is definitely not herself but seems content (ish) living in a memory care facility. The other has become quite angry and unstable, which could not be more different than her “old” personality. Not only has she lost her wit and charm and hobbies, but she’s just downright mean to my uncle and cousins. It is so sad, and she obviously can’t help it, but it’s very hard on everyone.
Anonymous
I am really struggling with this. I have one parent with a pension that is Medicaid disqualifying but not enough to afford a facility and another who will want to die at the first whisper that she is starting to show signs. Both live several states away from me and my sibling.
NW Islander
I am so sorry that you are going through this. You might enjoy the documentary Alive Inside, which offers some insight on how to connect with your loved one through music.
My mom passed last year from ALZ, after 15 years. This is why I will not have a child with my partner. Based on my mom’s example, my hypothetical kid could be in middle school when I start showing issues. Not doing that to a kid.
Anon
It’s also something to think about before having kids with a much older man. Bruce Willis’ kids are still in elementary school and I think often about how awful this must be for them. Not that I don’t have sympathy for his wife and older daughters but the little girls are the ones who’ve lost the most. But it’s a fairly predictable consequence of having kids in your late 50s. :/
Anon
Just coming here to say that only about 11% of women and 8% of men over 70 have dementia (and that is skewed because the numbers go way up after age 85. And most forms are not inheritable. I am just putting this out there because people seem to be assuming it is inevitable as one ages or that they will get it because a parent or grandparent did. I would encourage anyone who is concerned about their personal risk factors given family history to talk to a doctor.
Anon
Yes not that many people overall have dementia but as you said, the odds go way up after your mid-80s. Certainly family history isn’t the only factor in how long you live, but it’s a big one. Every woman on both sides of my family has lived until at least 90, many closer to or above 100, so it’s not crazy to think there’s a good chance I’ll live long enough to be impacted by dementia.
anonymous
Relating to someone with dementia is especially difficult long-distance. I don’t want to minimize your experience. I only want to share mine because there are a lot of negative comments that make it seem that life is no longer worth living once one has dementia. We have moved closer to my mother to be with her in her last months and to help my sister out. What a difference being close makes. There is NO way she could communicate via phone. It’s been years since she could do that. Now, it’s not a matter of how much she can communicate with us, but simply of us being there for her. There are times of connection (a smile, eye contact, an unexpected “thank you” or “love you, too”) that feel great. And there are times of vacant stares. When I feel depressed at the prospect of being in her situation, it helps to realize that our energy and focus decline as we age . . . I wouldn’t want to sit in a wheelchair all evening NOW, but I don’t think I will mind THEN. Interestingly, it now annoys me when people ask if my mother still knows me. Of course she still knows me . . . somewhere in her subconscious where she recognizes my voice and mannerisms and knows that I am someone who loves her. But I would have asked this question in the past, too. We didn’t think Mom would live through the summer of 2022, and yet she is still with us, and she has become so much more engaged (it’s all relative) and stopped losing weight that they’ve taken her off hospice. If my mom wants to keep living as she is, I don’t want to stop her. Two helpful books: (1) “Into the Grey Zone” about brains in comas . . . includes a surprising point that people who think they wouldn’t want to live in a vegetative state may very well change their minds when they are in such a state; and (2) “Spectrum of Hope”, which offers such a warm and relatable way to understand the person who has dementia. Someone else mentioned “Alive Inside”. I just saw that documentary last week, and it was amazing.
Anon
Thanks for this comment. I’m glad your mom is doing as well as she is and that it has helped so much to be nearby.
KJ
Not one for animal prints, but I also love the drama of this!
Anonymous
I also love this drama – but not 100% polyester for nearly $900!
miami!
Seeking travel advice for a girls trip to Miami next January to celebrate our 30th birthdays! We’re staying on Miami Beach and will be there for 3 days. Interested in recommendations for food, midrange spas and places to go out (bars/clubs) that would be a fun time but not super high commitment (don’t necessarily want to buy a table or be subject to a strict dress code).
NaoNao
Stubborn Seed, which is in SoBo, is one of the top meals I’ve ever had in my *life*. I went to Miami on my honeymoon and my husband and I did a partial day in a cabana at the Fountainbleu (where we also stayed) and that was super fun too. Very $$$ but it felt luxe.
“27” was really fun and cute, had a down to earth low key vibe I appreciated.
Le Jardinier in the Arts District (and I recommend the Arts District in general) was also an amazing experience.
Lily
Cross posted from the moms site!
Looking for any recs (the more specific the better) for a house rental (villa or condo?) somewhere in the Caribbean that is not too hard to get to (direct flight preferred) from major east coast city, that can accommodate two families with two kids each (at least 3 bedrooms, 4 would be great, at least 2 bathrooms), has a pool, and comes with staff (housekeeping, chef would be awesome).
I’ve tried googling but there are so many websites it’s overwhelming. Also, it looks like many places have a 7-night minimum stay. Is that your experience?
Budget is ideally up to $2,500/night but could stretch to $3,000 for something truly spectacular (especially if food and/or booze are somehow included).
TIA!
Anonymous
I’d check out One Fine Stay, they have lots of caribbean homes for rent and they’ll be able to arrange for extras like childcare, cooking, etc.
LawDawg
I stayed in a condo at the Regal Beach Club on Grand Cayman. It is next door to the Marriott and right on the beach. It also has a pool of its own and you can sign up for excursions, snorkeling, etc. at the Marriott. We booked through caymanvillas.com and they also rent condos at other locations. We had daily cleaning and would step over the small retaining wall to go to the Marriott for restaurants. No chef on-site, but there was a kitchen and groceries nearby. And plenty of resorts and restaurants to walk to.
Anonymous
I’ve never been myself, but Bluefields Bay in Jamaica looks like it could be great for you if you’re okay with a drive once you’re on the island. They have a 4 night minimum.
editrix
If St. John is a possibility, I can recommend CateredTo dot com.
Belt, no suspenders
Does anyone have a recommendation for a high quality leather, narrow belt for that will fit a 24-25” waist? Pants are all high waist, but it seems like belts are still sized for pants that hit at the hip. I could use black, navy, cognac, bone or taupe. Bonus for a buckle that is NOT gold.
Cat
Look at Edited Pieces – Extra Pet-te’s collection
Belt, no suspenders
Thanks. I am aware of that one, and have the wider version, but the leather is quite stiff.
anon
I don’t have this one specifically, but I think it fits your criteria with the possible exception of my version of high quality may be different than yours. I am not a super loyal madewell fan, but I do really like the woven belt I got from there and recalled this one from when I was looking.
https://www.madewell.com/pebbled-leather-covered-buckle-belt-99107174121.html
Belt, no suspenders
Alas, the note says it is sized to fit at the hips.
Anonymous
Look on Etsy – there are a lot of people doing custom belts.
anon
I think that would be a 65 belt at most designer brands, but you didn’t specify budget. Gucci blondie could be an option, i find the logo buckle fairly subtle and it also comes in 60 cm. saint laurent also has a lot of thin belt options, but they all seem to be gold buckles. loewe also has one that comes in 65 cm.
Belt, no suspenders
Thanks. I will look at those.
Elle
Try the AYR essential belt?
Anon
Very good suggestion; thank you.
Anonymous
&Other stories carries waist belts, and their XS should fit.
Until you find something else – wowen/braided leather without buckle holes is very customizable.
Anonymous
How much do you spend on seasonal decorations? We bought our first SFH in the spring and I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I’ve never even owned a front door wreath before. I know we don’t HAVE to decorate. But I’d like to start with a little something festive and then add to it each year. Everything seems SO expensive. Over the weekend, we spent over $300 on Halloween decorations for the mantle (we have a fireplace!), wreath making supplies, some cute lights, and door mats. We haven’t even gotten pumpkins yet. That feels like a LOT of money to me and not a lot to show for it; I went to a craft store and a hardware store, it’s not like I’m going to expensive stores, and I didn’t get anywhere near as much stuff as I’d have liked. Now I’m dreading Christmas. I’m wondering if this is typical and I need to adjust my expectations, or if I’m doing this wrong?
Trixie
Be sure to check out thrift stores near you, and watch DIY holiday decorations on Youtube–there are so many clever ideas out there!
Anon
This. And flea market for all the decorations and real pumpkins of all kinds. Also buy on Black Friday when the Xmas decor is 50-60 percent off or right after Xmas it’s 75 percent off.
anon
The first couple years will be expensive as you acquire the decorations – just like buying furniture for the house. The more you spend upfront, the longer it lasts. For Christmas, a good tree will run you $500 -1000. Nice garland (think Netflix Christmas movie quality, not Hallmark) is about $200 for every 6 -10 feet. This will be one time expenses (or at least once a decade). Wreaths are normally $50-200, depending on where you are on the Hallmark to feature film continuum of quality. With that said, this year, I will probably spend a couple hundred of fancy pumpkins, and not really buy too many new decorations other than if I see a shiny thing I want to add to the tree.
No Problem
$0. I’ve never decorated for seasons and have no interest in starting now (note: I’m Jewish so I’ve never understood Christmas decorations and find 99% of them tacky, so ymmv). I don’t have anything I need to buy, store, maintain, or replace. It is glorious. If this is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
Anon
Super helpful response!
Anon Aus
We make ours from trees and plants in our garden.
All that non-biodegradable plastic for fake foliage makes my skin crawl.
Runcible Spoon
This can be super-expensive. It all depends on how far you want to go to display decorations. You can start small/simple and add to the decorations over the years. So for the Christmas holidays, you can buy strings of white lights to wrap around any structure at your front door, plus an artificial wreath to hang on the door. Artificial Christmas trees are considered eco-friendly in some circles, and now is the time to purchase one, as the price rises as you approach December (or experiment this year with what size you like with a live tree — which will be breathtakingly expensive — and then wait until January or later to buy one on sale). Just some thoughts. Enjoy!
Lily
Buying a fake tree is less eco-friendly, actually, especially if you live in an area of the country where you can cut down your own or the tree hasn’t been transported thousands of miles. A decent size (6 ft?) real tree costs like $60-80, smells good and won’t live on in a landfill. Christmas tree farms plant new trees every year (it’s their business model) so cutting down the tree in and of itself is not bad as long as you aren’t then shipping it thousands of miles away, but even then it’s probably less bad than a plastic tree.
Anonymous
I spend $250 on a tree annually and then $150 on other decor. It grows over time. This year I’m getting the barn for my nativity scene. In a new house I’d do outdoor lights and a tree the first year. But I could easily spend 10k on Christmas decor this afternoon if money were no object.
anon
I read this as you were getting a barn added to your property and it gave me a chuckle! The miniature version makes more sense.
I love the idea of a decoration that grows every year. My parents had a train garden that they added to each Christmas during my childhood.
Cat
$250 on a tree?! How big do you go? Our 8′ tree is usually like $60-$70…
Anonymous
I’m in a city and a 7 foot tree including delivery costs $250.
Anonymous
for halloween, watch for the after-halloween sales. like, the day of and day after, they don’t last long. but you can get some really great deals. costco has a lot of front door wreaths for around $30; don’t buy anything fresh. I’d suggest looking into smart plugs and a smart system so you can adjust the lights outside your home for seasonal colors – orange, green, or purple for halloween, orange/red/yellow for thanksgiving, red/green for xmas if you celebrate. we have govee lights on the garage and a smart plug for a lighted decoration out front. Some neighbors put colored films over their architectural lighting also, that looks nice.
OP
Ooo good suggestion about the lights. I feel like lights are the biggest impact for the least amount of money, but DH definitely wasn’t looking forward to putting them up only to have to take them down. Year round lights would be perfect. I’ll look into the colorful films too; we got some colorful lightbulbs but a lot of our outdoor lights don’t have bulbs.
New Here
It is expensive. We bought our first home 4 years ago, and rented one 5 years before that.
My tip is to not do it all at once. Build it up year by year, adding one or two pieces.
Another tip is to buy for next year once a holiday is passed. Sometimes I find cute things on clearance.
Also check out Buy Nothing groups! I got rid of a box or two of decor I was tired of on those.
Anonymous
oh, and: i often see seasonal decorations at estate sales if you have time to hit those. kohl’s also usually has a bunch and eligible for their coupons/sales.
Anonymous
we buy a lot of our decorations after the holiday when they are on sale. It has also taken us many years to build a collection of things. Our first Christmas tree as a couple had the ornaments my mom gave me as a child and saved for me and one package of glass ball ornaments from the store. Now, twenty years later, it is filled with special ornaments from trips, gifts, etc. It takes time.
Anon
Homegoods is probably cheaper than DIY. I buy mostly seasonal but holiday-agnostic items. For example I put out orange candles for Halloween, then I add burgundy around Thanksgiving, and swap out the orange for green in December. In December stick to snowflake items that look cute for all of winter. Only go holiday-specific if it’s a large, high impact object. Doormats and a dozen mantle trinkets are overkill. My one vice is themed dish towels but at least those are functional.
Anon.
I would recommend waiting out your first year, and buying decorations right AFTER the holidays!
I’ve bought 90% of our decorations this way – for example, after Christmas, ornaments, string lights, and wreaths are up to 80% off in stores like Home Depot, Lowe’s, JoannFabrics, your local hardware stores like Ace Hardware, etc.
Same for spring/Easter, 4th of July, Halloween and fall decorations.
Yep
This is the way
Anon
Yep, this. And don’t buy from Hobby Lobby unless it’s on sale – if it’s not on sale, wait half an hour. And HomeGoods alllll the way – that’s where to buy your decor.
Anonymous
Or just don’t buy from Hobby Lobby.
Anon
I just do small touches and pull the same stuff out each year. For fall I have chinoiserie pumpkins for the dining room, for the holidays I have a plaid duvet for our bed, I might get a wreath if I’m in the mood for the door. Small fake tree that comes out every year. I’d rather spend the money on permanent things.
anon
I am an apartment person, but still know what you mean about decor being expensive. One podcast episode that really resonated for me.. lazy genius intervewed the nester, how to decorate for the holidays (from nov 10). She has a thought process to think about seasons first then holidays, and think through your senses (throws/cozy things in winter).
I agree with other commenters that it’s best to build over time and not feel like you need to have every space decorated fully. other things I find helpful, figure out your general color scheme for seasonal/holiday decor. I try to pick colors that either can be used for multiple holidays, or last for a whole season more than holiday.
Figure out your high impact spaces, if the mantle is it for you, great! I am not a big front door decorator (see apartment life) so i save there. But i love to have my kitchen island and bathrooms decorated, so splurge more.
And i will DIY/Craft some things, like doing paper bats out of construction paper you can stick to walls for halloween.
Anonymous
Yup. It’s pricey. If you love it? Go for it. If not, just think minimal and seasonal.
For Christmas particularly I just don’t love themed decorations beyond a Christmas tree and stockings. I’d rather spend my dough on gorgeous candlesticks and wool and cashmere pillow covers and throws and tableware that is still pretty in January and supplement with fresh greenery.
I feel like themed decorations are just poor approximations of fresh seasonal flowers and produce anyway. Wreaths are great. My doormats are not themed but my home has tulips in spring and garlands in winter and dahlias and bowls of apples in the early fall.
Anne-on
It is expensive. For your first christmas you can also make it known to your family that you’d welcome decor gifts – serving pieces you didn’t receive for your wedding, table linens, garland, ornaments, etc. We’ve been in our home for 15 years and I’m still adding pieces every year or so – we also just upgraded our (fake) tree and someone happily took our old one on the local freecycle page – so you might want to check out facebook marketplace or craigslist. I would also scour target/macys/saks/nordstrom after the holidays and sign up for grandin road/balsam hill promo codes.
OP
Really good idea about gifts. We always struggle to come up with gift ideas for relatives who insist on buying something.
Anne-on
I made this suggestion the first year after I got married and my mom and my aunts have bought every conceivable piece of servingware that goes with my wedding china and then happily moved onto the ‘fancy’ (Williams Sonoma) melamime plates and bowls, holiday linens, etc. It is easier on us both because they have guidelines/guard rails to follow (stuff that matches the china patterns and our paint colors) and because I honestly don’t care that much about the ‘style’ of my seasonal decor.
Cat
Some people go really OTT. I would recommend starting small and buying decor for next year after this year’s holiday passes – like Balsam Hill wreaths are beautiful but I’d wait for January to buy faux greenery.
No Face
Most of my Christmas decorations are hand me downs for my favorite price – $0. The only thing I purchased new were those pottery barn stockings with our names embroidered on them.
If you are buying new, it will be expensive up front but you will reuse them for years.
Anon
Thrift stores, garage sales, and the regular stores, AFTER the holiday (as well as the curb in your neighborhood if people tend to toss this stuff out) is how you do this relatively cheaply.
One other thing to remember is unless you want to be known as the person who has skeletons hanging up in their yard year ’round (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing) you need to store all this stuff in the off season. It’s ok if your house doesn’t look pinterest worthy for every holiday.
anonshmanon
Storage gets out of hand quickly! Another thing that you can consider is to pick your battles and start with the holidays that matter most to you. I like seeing Halloween displays on other houses, but it’s not my thing. I am all about having a beautiful xmas tree. Maybe your mantle will be amazing this Halloween, resist the urge to have the rest of the house match.
Cerulean
$300 for mantle decorations seems like a lot to me. I do fall decorations since they have a longer season than Halloween-specific decor. Once our kid gets older, we’ll carve a pumpkin and maybe do a small item or two.
My general rules of thumb are to begin with deciding how much storage to devote to seasonal decor first (and then not exceed it), and also to focus on decor I can get from our yard and/or compost. No plastic or battery operated anything, our landfills don’t need it!
I use pumpkins, mums, acorns, and a dried arrangement in the fall, and a wreath, pine cones, and evergreen clippings for Christmas with some red bows I reuse. I have a gold metal wreath I use year round aside from Christmas and I just tie an appropriately colored bow on it for the season. I also have throw pillows in the living room that I switch out the covers for. Pastel linen for spring/summer and jewel toned velvet for winter/fall.
Cerulean
I meant items that are compostable, not things *from* the compost! Hah.
Anonymous
Just pick your holiday. I decorate for Christmas, buy a few wreaths a year to keep our front door looking attractive, and that’s it. I don’t do Halloween, because that invites trick-or-treaters, and we’re usually out trick-or-treating ourselves. I see no need to decorate for other holidays.
Anon
It’s definitely easier to shop post-holiday clearance, but it’s not as festive feeling for me.
I’m surprised craft store and hardware store were so expensive! Are there dollar stores or discount stores around?
Anon
If you can stand not having decorations this year, buy everything at a 50-75% discount the day of/day after the holiday. Don’t buy into the idea that “all the good stuff will be gone by then,” there will still be plenty, believe me. I own a ton of holiday decor for Halloween and Christmas (and some general “fall” stuff because I love fall) but I have never paid full price for any of it. I am the lady that gets up early on Nov. 1 and December 26 and goes picking through the clearance aisle (or shops the online clearance sale) for clearance decorations. And I have really great stuff that I love and that suits our home beautifully. Target, World Market, West Elm, Crate and Barrel and Pottery Barn always have great decorations and they all go on super-cheap sale after the holiday is over.
Anonymous
We only decorate for Christmas, and bought our decorations slowly, adding a little at a time every year. If I had to guess, we’ve spent about $2,500 over 23 years, that’s including a few real trees over the years. The majority of our collection was bought second-hand, and we have a lot of hand-me-downs and things from our childhoods as well. I do have some breyers and a few other things that were bought new, but I cannot justify the kind of money retail costs when I can find items that are often nicer second hand. We also sometimes find things on sale in January, but not often. Our first Christmas we bought nothing, just had a hand-me-down tree and some childhood decorations
Anon
Buy an absolute minimum for the holiday, then wait until it’s over and buy a little on sale stuff for next year. Next year, use what you’ve got and buy a little more sale stuff after that holiday. Soon enough you will be well set for your holidays. Oddly enough, Pottery Barn has awesome Halloween decorations and a pretty good sale on it later.
Anon
And watch FB Marketplace for high quality artificial Xmas trees in the off season. Porch and patio furniture in the spring as people replace theirs for the warm season. (I know that’s not holiday decor but it can be a major new house expense)
Anonymous
$22.99 about ten years ago for one snarky Xmas decoration that I only remember to display in either my home or my office about every three years. I have been given ornaments and they have all been tossed/donated/regifted at my next move. If I were to live with someone who really wanted decorations, I would succumb to buying a $400-500 collapsible metal sculpture in the form of a Christmas tree I once saw that can be easily stored away and reassembled (by him) once a year. I have indulged in tableware/linens in holiday shades (but not patterns) that can be used for a holiday-themed meal but also at other times. This will never be my thing.
Anon
That seems like a lot, especially for something as time-limited as Halloween. I spent about $30-40 at Target once and got plenty of kitschy Halloween stuff for the mantle. We buy quite a few fresh pumpkins every year, but our kid loves to paint them, so I put it more in the kid activity column than the decor column. We did invest in a really expensive fall wreath from Etsy but we used it all fall for a decade, it’s not specific to Halloween.
For Christmas, I think we spent about $100-150 on exterior holiday lights, but we re-use them, so it’s not an annual expense. (We’re Jewish but my kid begged for lights and it brings me a lot of joy.) We don’t do any inside decorating.
Anonymous
I spend around 50 dollars a year on Christmas decorations, this normally means that I get one or two really nice new Christmas tree decorations each year. In addition I get some flowers.
For Christmas I have a nice-looking fake tree, separate lights, and an eclectic collection of new and old baubles. I think that apart from the tree, the items that really make a difference and look festive are lights, tablecloths and runners, living plants and cut flowers – I like tulips for Christmas.
I don’t really do Halloween, but if I were to I’d get ceramic pumpkins of different sizes from a thrift shop, some nice beeswax or orange coloured candles, add bowls of apples and maybe a few branches of witch hazel wood with some fairy lights.
Since you’re starting from scratch, I think thrifted items are great, then you don’t have to commit to a random style based on whatever was in store this year. I also think organic and edible items are great.
NaoNao
With decor, it can add up, but you only need to really buy it once and then add or tweak it thereafter.
I think the key is to choose a holiday that really matters to you and go all out and then do some cute, inexpensive token decor on the others. For example, a set of disposable Halloween plates, a garland and some “Bullseye’s Playground” tabletop items, a couple items from Michael’s when it’s 40% off, and boom done. Then Christmas (if that’s the thing) you go all out with stuff from Terrain, West Elm, etc. The key is to wait for post-holiday sales and stock up or hop on eBay and grab some stuff. Especially Anthropologie where they have *adorable* felt ornaments and beautiful toppers, etc–that are pricey, wait until mid Jan when everyone dumps it for the next batch and scoop it up.
A “secret” store that has frequent sales and super cute holiday stuff is Paper Source–they often put items on 50% off and have a modest selection of plates, napkins, candle holders, ornaments, etc.
anon
Is cynicism part and parcel of entering middle age? My sister and I were having a deep conversation last night about how messed up our very large work organizations are, that we feel like cogs in a machine, and how cynical we feel about it all. One of us is in healthcare, the other in higher ed. We’re people who care and can’t turn off the feelings of wanting to do our best but feeling demoralized about our best never really being good enough. I don’t want to turn into that bitter person everyone avoids, but I see how people get there, little by little, as they feel piled on and undervalued. I don’t even believe the grass is greener with a different job or career! It seems like every system is pretty messed up and dysfunctional in its own way. Would love to hear how others fight back these feelings.
Anon
I think we become more aware of the realities of capitalism as get older. I don’t think it’s cynicism, it’s just how things are.
No Problem
I don’t know how it’s possible to be a reasonably intelligent and empathetic adult with 10+ years in the working world and not be cynical about it all. By the time you’re that far into a career you’ve seen enough examples of messed up organizations and the people in them, or at minimum heard your friends talk about them if you somehow haven’t experienced it yourself. My friend group is 15-20 years out of college and I am zero percent surprised every time someone describes the dysfunctional management (whether systemic or caused by a single individual – which frankly is systemic if bad behavior is tolerated) where they work…and we’re all in different fields in different types of organizations. I think the best course of action is to try to find the organization with grass that is 10% greener than yours, or at least refuse to perpetuate the bs in your own role whenever possible. E.g., don’t be a jerk boss or coworker to your team, call out bs and refuse to participate in it whenever possible, push back on unreasonable demands, don’t let work define your worth as an individual. And then retire as soon as you have enough saved.
Anonymous
My experience is that you may become more cynical with age because you’ve seen more things. When I first started working, we made fun of the people who would respond to a new idea with “we tried that before and it didn’t work.” Later in my career, my mind would be saying “but we tried that this time and that time and it didn’t work because….” So, you get a bit cynical as you see the same problems ad solutions recycled many times.
My personal solution is that I coach myself that cynicism doesn’t serve me. Maybe I’m a cog in the machine, but I can be a cog with integrity. Or, I can watch the other cogs simply to understand them and learn how to make it easier for me to work with them. Maybe something is going on that I’ve seen multiple times before, but I can hang back and let someone have a learning opportunity.
I have come to the belief that cynicism and sarcasm are too common and accepted. It’s cool to be cynical, but it’s also lazy. So, I recognize when I am being cynical, accept it, and then substitute another behavior which might even be doing nothing.
Cat
+1, with the note that the difference between bitter & cynical and older & wiser is the way you go about learning from experience. Immediately shooting something down = the former, first considering what might have changed since last time = the latter.
Anon
Agree with all of this.
Anon
Some of it is getting older, but I also think that education and healthcare in particular have changed a lot in the last 20-30 years. I’m in higher ed and pretty much everyone in my extended family and close family friends work in some type of education or healthcare. It’s very clear that there’s a big difference in the work lives of my generation and the earlier parts of our parents’ careers (now retired). They all felt pushed to retire earlier than they might have liked because their jobs had changed so much with the emphasis on testing and documentation, and luckily they were in a financial position where that was possible. When you go to work for a corporation, you know what you’re getting, but people work in healthcare and education at least in part because they’re idealists who want to make a difference. When you grind them down by treating them like cogs in a machine, why should you bother to work in those kinds of jobs rather than something cushier than pays more and gets more respect?
Anon
I am 46 and have worked in six different companies (well – I was with one company that merged with another one and became a different company; does that count?) in two different industries since I started working 25 years ago.
Finally, after many years of feeling like – surely there has to be some organization somewhere that is functional, operates well, supports their people, employees generally feel valued, etc. I have come to the conclusion that – there is no such thing as a completely functional organization. I don’t think that fundamentally, humans are oriented to the structures we have put ourselves in for modern work – large agglomerations of strangers, trying to trust each other enough to get work done. As humans, we evolved to be suspicious of strangers; to clan together and work cooperatively based on familial or other meaningful, persistent ties; to keep our group sizes small enough that everyone could be fed and get their needs met without too much competition for resources. Modern corporations are the antithesis of this – they’re huge, they don’t prioritize individual needs, and all the resources flow one way (to the top). And our brains do not evolve all that quickly, and so as we get thrown together in these manufactured, makeshift structures that don’t actually benefit us, we can’t help but find them lacking.
I think if we had the opportunity to design a new system of working from scratch, we would not choose what we have as the optimal way of getting things done. If there are functional businesses out there where people are almost always happy, folks communicate with each other productively, and business gets done in a smooth, efficient manner most of the time – I have never worked for a company like that, and neither have my friends/family members. All my contacts across higher ed, K-12 ed, healthcare, manufacturing, finance, etc. report the same problems, no matter where they’re at. So I have come to believe the dysfunction most of us experience in the workplace is a feature, not a bug, and at the end of the day – it doesn’t really matter, because for most people (myself included) – our real lives don’t happen at work.
My husband always quotes Ernie Hudson’s character in Ghostbusters when he’s asked about what he doesn’t like about his job – “Hey, if there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe anything you want.” And he really believes that, and I have finally realized – the reason why he’s so much happier in his career, and has been happier over the years, is because he doesn’t expect too much. He wants to work and make his money and then come home and do what he’s actually passionate about, and so as a result he’s been much happier in his jobs over the years than I have been. We’ve both ended up in good, well-compensated management jobs that we like, but he’s gotten there mainly because he really just doesn’t invest too much of himself into the job, but is always willing to show up and be there when needed, and take on tough problems other people don’t want to tackle. Vs. me, who has a tendency to care too much, overwork myself, not see the reward in overworking myself, and then gets bitter (but still gets promoted anyway).
In any case – this isn’t cynicism, IMO – it’s understanding the world as it is, and not how we would like it to be. It would be great if companies really cared about people, and people cared about people and wanted everyone to be successful and self-actualized, and workplaces were a place where people could feel valued, and as though their contributions really matter/make a difference. But the truth is – none of that is really true. A job is just a job. And, IMO, a job is a job is a job and the biggest mistake is getting over-invested in your job as a source of happiness and satisfaction. Most people I have seen who do that end up regretting it. Most people I know who put their energy into creating rich, satisfying, happy lives outside of work end up being happy people.
anon
You’ve given me a lot to think about. Thank you!
Anon
I think that corporate America changed a lot, and for the worse, after 2008. I also think that cynicism happens with age.
Anon
I think education and healthcare are special cases where changes for the worse have been radical and fundamental and fast and recent.
As for dealing, I guess I read BS jobs and watched some Adam Curtis docs just to feel like I wasn’t the only one noticing!
Anon
Bullshit Jobs really is a must-read for everyone in the professional-managerial class, IMO. Pursuant to the convo the other day about blue-collar partners, there’s something about having the uselessness of your job being so perfectly explained and articulated to you – it really changed my mindset. Plumbers, electricians, carpenters, nurses, etc. have WAY more impact on our society than I do. And I think a lot of the ennui, anxiety, restlessness, nothing-is-ever-good-enough feelings that we see highlighted so much on social media is driven by the fact that so many people are getting up every day and sacrificing time, autonomy, and even dignity to do work that is ultimately meaningless.
Seventh Sister
The older I get, the more I realize that one person / one scandal / one new initiative / one process is never going to be the thing that fixes the long-running, institutional problems in any organization. I don’t think I’m more cynical, I think I’m just more skeptical about any one thing being fixed, forever. I just try to do what I can, even if it’s not the absolute perfection my 20-something self would have wanted.
Even though I’m a GenX, I think I’m at bottom an optimist. And happy stuff that has changed for the better gets drowned out by the drumbeat of “the world is a terrible place.” When I was 10, the Soviet Union was going to have missiles pointed at the US forever. When I was 20, gay marriage was a far-off dream. When I was 30, we didn’t have Obamacare. The wooooooorst person at my job was going to be there forever when I was 40, that person is gone.
Anon
I think some cynicism is inevitable, especially for women who are dealing with the biggest burdens of childcare and elder care, but I find that it’s really important to fight back against it for the “minor things.” As an example, I have a friend who won’t do fun things because it’s “not worth it” – so she won’t go to a concert because you have to park 10 minutes away, she won’t stay up for fireworks because who cares, she won’t drive into the city for a museum exhibit because it’ll “take too long,” and so on forever. Nothing is ever worth it and nothing is ever fun. THAT kind of cynicism is worse for daily life than cynicism about politics or climate change, IMO. It drags everybody down all the time.
Seventh Sister
Honestly, I think becoming more cynical about politics (especially the national kind) has helped my daily life in that I’m not constantly worried and upset about some dumb thing out of Congress, etc. I do what I can – vote in everything, participate in my community, etc., but I’m not waiting with bated breath for every hearing or subpoena.
I agree with the daily life cynicism – sometimes you have to just go do something even if it might suck a tiny bit.
Anon
To counter those feelings, I try to remember that we are all just weird creatures living on a spinning rock in a vast universe. Now THAT’S a machine to marvel at, right?!
Getting older definitely means realizing that humans are fundamentally flawed creatures who built fundamentally flawed systems. Taking a step back for me and literally remembering how tiny we all are in the grand scheme of things helps. YMMV!
Nudibranch
Yes.
Anonymous
I read Ecclesiastes (all is vanity!) and quit my meaningless job.
Anon
Endometrial Ablation
Trying to decide between having an ablation or not. 47 year old with 7 years of heavy bleeeding and periods every 20 days. Perimenopause issues like brain fog, acute PMDD. Trying to eat healthy and exercise, take NSAIDs during periods but some days are better and some worse. Got some therapy too which helped. As a last resort opted for ablation but now have second thoughts. Can I suffer 5 more years and then be done with it? Help me make a decision hive.
Anonymous
My sister had an ablation and a good friend had a hysterectomy. (Each had fibroids). Both were THRILLED with them and only wished they’d done it sooner.
anon
I feel like an ablation may be worth a shot. Have you had an ultrasound to check for fibroids and anything else that might be causing issues? Five years is a long time to suffer through; I wouldn’t hesitate to look into surgical options. Lifestyle changes are great, but they don’t always fix everything.
Anon
My sister had this and says it was 1000% life changing in an “improving” sort of way. She had no energy for years due to anemia.
Anon
I initially approached my doctor about an ablation at 44, and he said that in all likelihood I’d need it once more before being done for good and recommended a hysterectomy instead, which I was all for. I had it out a year ago and my only regret was not doing it sooner. You being a few years older may change the calculus for the ablation.
Anon
OP here, yes I did ultrasound to check for fibroids. Everything is good.
anon
I had a hysterectomy at 42, and am SO GLAD that I did it. I wasn’t a candidate for ablation, but I would’ve tried that, too. It made such a big difference in my quality of life.
Anon
One of my best friends had one and said it’s the best thing she has ever done. She had heavy, heavy periods and got the ablation at 40 and said she wishes she hadn’t waited as long as she did.
Anon
I got an endometrial ablation about 10 months after a c-section and tubal ligation. Months of heavy, frequent periods and no fibroids led me to do this right before turning 40. It’s been life changing. And I don’t really care if I have to do it again or ultimately have a hysterectomy in the next 10 years. I needed relief that didn’t require hormones (too sensitive to them).
Anonymous
I had heavy frequent painful periods (I’m 53). My doc put me on a low dose BC because we both rather try a non-surgical option. It’s really made my quality of life better! There might be another option besides surgery for you. Good luck!
Anon
OP here, very sensitive to BC and have ruled that out as an option.
Anon
I have a similar history with PMDD and BC. I would be open to ablation but absolutely not willing to risk a hysterectomy.
I mention this every time PMDD comes up here, but I got a lot of help from the Period Repair Manual book.
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you for the rec. Reading the Period manual and it’s helpful.
Anon
SPOILERS/TW
Has anyone read “The Other Black Girl”? I read in the NYT that they made a TV show based on the book and decided to read the book instead. I’m unsure about the ending, though I see a nod or two to “Get Out.”
Anon
I read the book when it came out, so I’ve forgotten some of the details, but I also just watched the show, and I’m pretty sure the ending is different. I think they wanted to leave it open for a possible second season.
No Face
I enjoyed the book but I thought the ending was lackluster, like the author needed to workshop the end a little.
I wasn’t planning on watching the TV show, but if the ending is different I may give it a shot!
PLB
I started the book but didn’t finish it. I completed the show and loved it.
NaoNao
The book I had trouble following (it’s a mixed timeline deliberately, and to be honest, I think it would be more effective if the author had moved the 1980s timeline to the background, and focused primarily on the current day with no flashbacks) and it needs a huge dose of suspension of disbelief as the central device is laughably silly (magical hair grease?!? come on). It also felt unresolved, like it had both too many ideas and weak execution and follow through on those.
However the show is great. I tore through it in one night! It has a few flaws (for example, there’s a few very…CW workplace sitcom lines that don’t land one bit for me) but the fashion, music, and vibe are impeccable.
NYC
Anyone have the Away tote bag? Looking for a tote bag for one day business trips (eg, flying in and out of another city in single day) that can hold laptop but also one change of backup clothes (under*ear and shirt), basic toiletries, makeup, etc.
Runcible Spoon
You might look at Briggs & Riley — I have a tote/carry-on bag (now discontinued) from B&R which is ludicrously capacious and has been a god-send on some occasions, holding a lap top, flight accoutrements, change of clothes, etc. Good luck!
Anne-on
I use the Lo and Sons catalina for this – the padded compartment at the bottom is usually for dirty clothes/shoes, but I’ve also carried it as my overnight bag. I also appreciate that it’s washable and not too big – I can easily pack for 2-3 days in the small size if I don’t have to wear more than one blazer.
Anon
You mean the Everywhere bag? Yes, and I kind of regret buying it. The drop on the handle isn’t long enough to carry it over your shoulder, which I would sometimes like the option to do. It also really don’t hold that much.
Cora
I was looking for a bag for this and in the mean time someone gave me a Longchamp bag as a gift. It has a nice handle, comfortable, fits all this – only downside is that while there is a small pocket on the top for phone/wallet/sunglasses you still have the unzip the whole bag to access that. I would appreciate at least one outside or easily accessible pocket.
On the other hand maybe the “one big zip” is safer for traveling, which is mainly what I use it for.
anon
I haven’t tried the away tote, but i have used both the Lo and Sons OG or my Tumi voyager backpack for these. I liked the shoe compartment for OG, and fact strap handle was long enough. But generally i find i can fit everything i need in a smaller packing cube in my backpack, and that way i don’t feel like i am lugging the world around on one shoulder.