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When I first saw the black version of this necklace, I said, “man, that's lovely — but I wish it came in a bold color.” And then, O happy day, I noticed the “more colors available” note to the right of the pricing info, and saw it in hot pink and (woo hoo!) cobalt. Which to get, which to get? They were all originally $230, then marked to $160, but they come down to $112 with the additional 30% off at Last Call. Lovely. Panacea Oversized Stone & Druzy Station Necklace
(L-3)
Update: This necklace is now marked down an additional 40% (rather than 30%), so the discounted price is $96!
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
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- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Ciao, pues
Why does my skirt spin around when I walk? Such a weird phenomenon: I start out with my skirt facing forward and by the time I make it to my office, the thing is basically on backwards. Is it too loose in the waist? Too tight? Is this why people wear nylons? This mostly happens with suit skirts, pencil and otherwise, and the skirts are lined.
Anne Shirley
Too tight in the hips and/or too loose in the waist.
Orangerie
Truth. Nylons won’t fix this problem; get thee to a tailor.
AIMS
But you can tuck your skirt into the nylons or tuck the strings in (also works with undies).
Anonymous
This.
Bonnie
Yep. Your hips move the skirt as you walk and if the waist is too big, there is nothing to stop it from turning.
BankrAtty
All of my skirts do this.
LH
All of my skirts do this too.
Trisha
Use a safety pin.
Miky
Am currently about 5 months pregnant. Husband and I were supposed to climb Mount Kili in October (obviously that is not happening anymore). Basically, this means we will be going from May-baby arrival without a vacation. I realize that we are very fortunate (with the baby and former vacation taking ability) but it still sucks given that we both work on call on top of the normal Monday-Saturday schedule. We have to book vacation time months in advance to get time together (usually we book 9 months in advance). Right now I am thinking of doing a post-pregnancy vacation to Paris for a week (husband’s favorite city) with a luxury train ride to London (I love trains) and a couple nights in London and then a flight home. Neither of us have traveled with a newborn before (first baby). Any thoughts on when would be a good time to schedule this vacation? No one in our families has any interest in caring for the baby for longer than a weekend and to be honest we would like to take baby with us as long as it won’t be too stressful for baby.
RR
I haven’t done this, but my gut reaction is that I wouldn’t do anything before 3-4 months. I can imagine taking my 10 month old on a fun vacation, but I wouldn’t have wanted to take a newborn. To visit family, sure. Fun trip in Europe, no. YMMV.
Orangerie
No advice on traveling with an infant, but if you really want a vacation could you take a relaxing beach trip before your due date?
Orangerie
Maybe just for a long weekend due to your work schedules?
Miky
I’m on call every weekend. Like.. from Saturday morning to Monday morning accepting calls at all times. I need to stay within a reasonable radius of work in case of emergencies. No one will ever cover the entire weekend for me under any circumstances. When there are long weekends it just means I am on call an extra day (I hate long weekends).
Lorelai Gilmore
Whoa. What is your job? Are you a medical fellow? That sounds really tough.
One thought: even if you hate the beach, you might be able to travel a little bit with a newborn. We went to a friend’s wedding when my first was 6 weeks old. We stayed in a hotel room. It wasn’t great, but it was totally doable and I managed to even get myself into a nice dress for the wedding itself. If you have maternity leave, you could use some of it to just go somewhere else and get that change of scenery. The hardest part is the travel, but newborns don’t really care where they are as long as they have ample access to mama and food.
Miky
I hate the beach. XD
We are adventure travel people tbh. We were planning to do a big Dar-Cairo trip next year and Hong Kong but the kid put a wrench in things.
Our schedules allow for two significant holidays a year (one two weeks and one three weeks) and we like to travel internationally. Paris and London are low intensity travel spots for us because we’ve been there- it’d mostly be about a change of scene, some good food and time alone and we’d get a babysitter through an agency if we wanted nights out. Basically if I do not leave the continent my job will find me and send me work. XD
Anon
You sound more concerned about your vacation time than the fact that you’re about to have a baby. If you think you’ll be fine in London/Paris a few months after you give birth, maybe you will. But you might also need to be prepared to cancel or change your plans.
Anon
Honestly, I think adventure travel is far too ambitious in the first year or so of a kid’s life. I agree with Anon above – you seem singularly focused on the vacation that may not be possible with a newborn. I think you should take a step back and wait to plan something until you see what type of baby you have.
Anne Shirley
Agreed, but we all deal with what we can deal with ya know ? Vacation plans are concrete and easy compared to unexpected baby times.
I think 3 months is your sweet spot. One of my friends just took her darling to Hong Kong and Seoul from NYC and had a great time. Flying first class helps.
hoola hoopa
Second Ann Shirley. I don’t disagree, Anon, but at some point every new parent faces the reality that their life is changing dramatically. It’s hard and frustrating, even though you’re also excited about having a baby. The breaking point is different for everyone, and for Miky it’s international adventure travel.
Anon too
Agreed. You sound really irritated by the baby. Your life is about to change and you’re not going to be able to do all the things that you did before.
Blonde Lawyer
To be honest, I think it is refreshing to see someone who is still putting their wants and desires as a priority and not letting their life change to revolve entirely around their kid. I was a fan of the book “Bringing up Bebe” for this reason. Many people hate it. Different strokes.
Bewitched
How is going on a low key trip to Paris and London adventure travel? I think OP proposes a reasonable compromise. It’s not hiking Kili with a 3 month baby. I think your plan sounds feasible. I had a colicky baby and he was happy to be outside in a stroller. There’s usually something which soothes them somewhat, and best case scenario, you have very mellow baby and you do everything you hope to do! I just don’t get the comments about OP being “irritated” or not prioritizing her baby. I didn’t read that in her remarks.
Ciao, pues
Please ignore the judgy mcjudgerpeople accusing you of bad parenting. Your baby will benefit tremendously from having parents who explore the world, uninhibited by fear or social pressure, and who continue living a life that inspires and excites them. What a lucky baby to be born into a family like yours.
mss
We took DD to London and Paris at 3.5 months. I would wait until the baby has its 2 month shots for protection. 3 months is a great age because they don’t move at all and are perfectly happy in your arms/being carried and don’t require additional food if nursing. My little gal flew great (she nursed on and off the whole time) and everyone was really nice to us (even in Paris). We did not go to any museums, but we did do one fancy lunch in Paris (L’atelier) – we were seated at the bar so it was a little awkward, but not overly so. We didn’t bring a stroller to Paris (had one in London) – it would have been a little tricky on the subway during rush hour, but lugging her around in the Ergo was a bit of pain. Another consideration if you are planning to take a taxi is what to do about carseats. We just didn’t take any taxis in Paris, and in London my SIL borrowed a carseat for us. I made sure to wake her every two-three hours to eat and such, and she adjusted pretty well to the jet lag. At that age they just want to hang out with you, they don’t care where.
Anonymous
I agree. I have a four month old and she’s pretty easy right now. Before now, I was too tired and emotionally drained to travel (I did some short trips at 2 months, but it was exhausting). Now, I feel like myself and I feel like I’ve got the baby thing down pat!
It definitely is a know your baby and parenting style, but for us, it would work. She would nurse / sleep in my arms during the flight and I’d wear her all around Paris. She sleeps when I wear her, so it would be easy for her to get enough sleep. I’m nursing so that part is really easy. I’d buy diapers and wipes when I got there.
Anonymous
Oh, I should also mention that she sleeps in bed with us, so that part would be easy, too.
RR
Given your travel experience, I think you’ll be fine traveling with a baby. Would still wait until after 3 months so the baby is a little more settled in a routine, easy, fun, etc. Although, as tiny newborns, they sleep all.the.time, and things like eating out at restaurants with louder ambient noise or stroller rides tended to zonk mine out. I still wouldn’t travel internationally with a one or two month old, but I don’t have the international travel experience/comfort level that you do. I do have three kids, so I have more experience with that, but my youngest really just fits into whatever we are doing as a family and always has. Go with your gut and travel without a lot of set expectations, and you’ll have fun.
Anonymous
I loved travel at 5 months with my youngest – super smile-y and friendly, schedule down pat, good at holding up his head and comfy in a small folding stroller, almost sitting up. I say go for it. Europeans love babies and they are welcome anywhere and it sounds like you’ll be staying places where excellent nanny services can be found if you want some adult time.
How great that the baby will be an international traveler before he/she is a year old!
One caveat – buy thy baby an airplane seat and bring her car seat. Will totally save your sanity and hers!
Samantha
Agreed. If you crave a vacation, you’re having a low-risk pregnancy and as a previously very active person, you could probably do a city vacation to Europe while pregnant in your second trimester. It wouldn’t exactly be adventure travel, but you could certainly do Paris/London/other low intensity travel spots for you.
WestCoast Lawyer
Newborns sleep a lot and can be pretty easy to travel with, but it can vary quite a bit by child (for example, a colicy newborn could be a nightmare on a transatlantic flight). Assuming yours is on the mellow side I’d aim for around 3 months. Many newborns are sleeping longer stretches at night by then, which will make the hotel stay more pleasant, and you will have your feet under you with a lot of the first-time parenting anxiety out of the way. Assuming you are going to vaccinate, it will also mean that he/she will have received several doses by then.
I would try not to go too many time zones, or the aforementioned sleeping longer stretches at night could work against you. Additionally, I would consider planning the vacation now (i.e. putting in for your time off from work) but booking the actual trip last minute (and being flexible about where you go) after the baby is born and you have a better idea of his/her temperament and how comfortable you feel traveling with the baby. Worst case scenario, the baby has colic or other issue that prevents you from traveling but you take a week off any way and relax at home without worrying that you have to use the airfare and hotel you’ve already paid for.
hoola hoopa
Honestly, I’m having a hard time relating to your exact issues, but I can help with baby travel advice.
Ideal age is, in my experience, between 2 and 9 months old. The first child is stressful enough at home, so give yourself two months to get into a routine of sorts before heading out. And regardless of birth order, travel becomes more complicated and challenging once they are mobile. I generally avoid going anywhere with a one-year old except something like a vacation home with grandparents. If you’re going to be hopping around, such as plane, Paris, train, London, plane, you’ll need to travel light – and I find younger babies who are exclusively breastfeeding and bedsharing to be the lightest packer. Once you’ve got a pack and play, toys, snacks, etc in the mix, there starts to be a lot of gear. Younger infants also tend to do better with time zone differences – although you may not appreciate what that does to your sleep. I try to not go more than a couple of time zones, for my own sake. The night wakings are bad enough – it’s downright miserable to have a baby wide awake at 3 am.
Ideal location has a separate sleeping area for baby, in-suite kitchenette, and something for you to enjoy while monitoring a sleeping baby such as a balcony or view. Read: condo, not hotel room. I’ve only travelled cheaply on trains, but I am concerned that you won’t have enough space or separation. It’s no fun to spend all the nap time silent and sitting in the dark. Ideally you’d at least have a balcony to sit on during nap time.
Ideal schedule is one outing per day with minimal travel. A flat in Paris or London would work well for that.
It’s important to remember that temperament varies dramatically from child to child, and you won’t know who they are until they get here. Some babies settle into an ergo and are good to go anywhere, anytime. Some others really need to stick to their routines and familiar items. Some others will cry if it’s too dark, too light, too cold, too warm, or just because it’s Tuesday. Their temperament will influence your plans and, frankly, your desire to travel. In other words, make refundable plans.
For some reason, I keep thinking Amsterdam might be a good choice. If you’re in the US, consider maybe Montreal or Costa Rica.
Yep, Agree
Well said. I agree with all of these travel suggestions.
also, if you do book, buy trip insurance that permits a cancellation for any reason. I was so so tired for the first few months after giving birth, I would not have been up for any kind of trip like you’ve described. I would rather travel with a 3/4 mo baby than a two year old, but I wasn’t physically ready for travel at that point yet. Will you be on maternity leave after the baby arrives? If yes, you may just want to hold off on planning a trip until you better understand your child and your parenting style.
Flying Squirrel
I appreciate your itch to travel, and I don’t think it’s impossible with a newborn, but I do wonder how fun it would be. I like to walk around a lot and kind of wander from place-to-place when I visit Europe. With my baby’s nap/feeding schedule it would be more of a hassle to do that than anything else. OTOH, during the first half of my second trimester that would have been perfect…I ended up with a lot of swelling and 5 weeks of early labor that made the second half of my pregnancy less than fun to say the least.
I’ve traveled three time zones with baby (now 5 months) a couple of times to visit family, and that has been pretty doable. You may find that you are able to explore just as well with baby in the early months…but honestly, I think that would be more about you than baby. My baby is, in many ways, extremely easy. She sleeps well, now that I don’t BF her she eats well, she rarely cries and she’s very alert and curious. Nonetheless, I still feel like when I take her on long walks etc she’s more or less just tolerating it, not into it. She would much rather I spend free time playing with her/interacting with her. Just some perspective on what you (and your new family member) might perceive as fun 6 months from now.
anon-oh-no
it totally depends on the kid. after my first was born, i thought people who traveled with babies were crazy. we didnt take him anywhere other than to visit family until he was 3.5. with my second though, i totally get the traveling with an infant thing. i took her by myself on a trip to visit family at 3 months, then we went on a tropical family vacation when she was 5 months, and have just continued from there. she is almost 4 and has more stamps on her passport than many adults.
so, if you have the ability to wait and see your babe’s temperment, then do that. otherwise, just go for it. i think some is the baby’s temperment, but some is the parents — if you think it will be crazy, it probably will; bit if you think you can handle it, you probably can.
Sarabeth
We went to London (to see family) and Morocco with our four month old. It worked fine. We definitely spent money on stuff we wouldn’t normally have splurged on (fancier hotels, suite instead of a room, room service, porters to deal with luggage, etc) to make it easier. Given the choice, I’d stick to one city – the most stressful parts of the trip, by far, were the in-transit times, so I’d minimize those.
That said, I also travelled intercontinentally while very pregnant (7.5 months), although for work not vacation, and that was a lot easier. And the advice on infant temperament is important – our daughter was colicky through about 3.5 months. If we’d had our trip a month earlier, it would have been hellish. And your own recovery, obviously, is also unpredictable.
Final thing – I get why this is important to you. It was important to me too, especially before the baby was born, not to feel like I was signing up to give up my whole life. A year in, I’m feeling more relaxed about it. We will probably go to Florida instead of our usual international trip this winter, because I’m valuing ease over adventure right now. But if it’s important to you, you should at least try to make it happen.
Lorelai Gilmore
I think your window is 4-6 months. That’s the perfect baby age – they’re happy, sleeping better, more confident, but usually not yet mobile. Once babies get mobile, travel can be very frustrating because they want to crawl, walk, etc. – and sometimes hate being cooped up.
Nonny
I recently got back from a trip to Singapore and Malaysia with my husband and 4-month-old daughter. Based on that, I agree with those who have said that 3 months is good. I would not physically or mentally have felt up to preparing for and actually doing a trip before 3 months. I would say 4 or 5 months is your sweet spot.
Based on my experience, I would also say:
– you need to stay somewhere where you can do laundry.
– you don’t know yet what kind of baby you will have, or what he/she will be capable of handling when you do travel, so be prepared to be flexible and to do WAY less than you would have before baby (a hard lesson that I had to learn). We never left home before 10 in the morning and were usually back for the evening immediately after dinner, sometimes even before dinner.
– get the bassinet seat on the plane, and be prepared for not being able to sit with your partner.
– this might not be the right time to do a luxury train ride. The baby will be fine on the Eurostar (we did a 7-hour train ride while we were in Asia, and it was fine other than the fact that our daughter decided she really didn’t want to be on the train that day), but you don’t know how the baby will travel. I would suggest not subjecting business class or first class passengers to the whims of a baby of that age.
– when booking plane travel, plan your longest flights overnight. That gives you the greatest chance that your baby will actually sleep for part of the flight.
– you will end up taking approximately 5x more luggage than you would have before the baby came along. Fact.
You can do it and you will have a great time!
Miky
Wowzer. The main reason I posted this was because there is an extreme amount of negativity about this when you talk to people about it. Lot of judgment about how we aren’t grateful about baby, that I’m awful for not considering spending a year at home with baby, that we don’t have priorities in order and that we are wasting money that we should save for baby’s college. I’m happy about the baby, it wasn’t planned but it wasn’t not planned. The reality is I work hard and the main reason is I like to travel. It’s one of the few things my husband and I have in common. We had some really cool and exciting things planned for this year and next year and my husband has put a hold of his plans as well as mine and we are okay with that. Cancelling the October vacation meant that neither of us will have vacation time until probably the other side of winter. If I want time of in Feb, March or April I need to book it now. It’s a reality of my job and my work. I also need to start making plans and budgeting accordingly. I was hoping that the ladies here would understand that kind of life and the completely insane expectations society has on working pregnant women. Thanks to those of you who posted actual helpful advice.
Coach Laura
Milky, I agree with other who said that travel with a 4-6 month old is doable. Depends on the personality of your baby but babies that age are relatively portable, don’t need accommodations to be “baby-proofed” can co-sleep if you don’t have a travel bassinette/crib and are either nursing or taking only formula so that is easy too. Though not international, we took our 4 month old to Hawaii and my sister in law also took her 4 month old. During the flight, my hubby walked up and down the isle with baby in a front sling because he was fussy but he didn’t cry at all and was a model traveler. With your travel experience, anywhere in Europe should be fine. You might even be able to do major cities in Asia (Hong Kong, Tokyo) assuming you could be assured of sanitary water. Maybe Australia or even Sao Paulo Brazil.
Agree with the poster who said to buy the baby a seat on the plane, as holding a baby for 10+ hours can be a real pain. If you’re going to be somewhere for a while, you could ship a travel crib but I think good hotels in Europe might have them. It might not be “adventure” travel but if I were you I wouldn’t pass up a trip. Good luck with the baby and the trip.
Trisha
Not judging. Just giving you some reality! You cannot possible anticipate how much your life is about to change. You will be exhausted. You may be depressed. Your baby might sleep all the time but he or she may cry all the time. But travel insurance!
Anastasia
As someone who has traveled a lot by car and plane with baby between 2 and 15 months, I agree 3-5 months is a good plan. After some nightmare flights recently, I say the younger the better. Babies don’t cry REALLY loudly until they’re a little older, and non- mobile infants who still spend a majority of the day sleeping are more transportable (also because they don’t weigh much so you can carry them longer without getting tired!). I’d be leery of international travel before first shots, but otherwise, enjoy your trip!
Second everyone who said to get baby a plane seat. Easier for you, but also much, much safer for baby.
You will think you need to pack more than you really do. Babies don’t need oodles of toys- everything is new and interesting to them. Laundry facilities are crucial. Do not pack more than 2 days worth of diapers if you’re traveling in first world countries, it’s a total waste of space.
My biggest problem traveling always was and is sleeping…my son sleeps great in his crib at home, but not in strange places. And I don’t want to subject hotel room neighbors to crying at all hours of the night (at home we let him cry for 5-10 min to see if intervention is really necessary) so he always ends up in our bed, which means a not great night’s sleep for me. Of course, with a really young baby, you probably won’t be accustomed to more than a few hours at a time anyway! :). Just take exhaustion into account when planning your itinerary, and everything will be fine.
Shay-La
The one thing I haven’t seen posted yet is consideration for when the baby’s doctor clears the baby for travel. Depending on the health of the baby, I’m pretty sure that might vary. I forget what the timeline was for my daughter, but I know her pediatrician specifically said to not take her on a plane until she was a certain age unless *absolutely* necessary.
Hollis
I admire what you are planning to do, but I am in the camp of everyone who said it depends on what kind of kid you have. I had twins who slept well, ate well (formula and breastmilk, cold or warmed, didn’t matter), and also slept everytime they got into their carseats. DH and I were flying around everywhere, visiting friends, etc. with infant twins. I think we went on maybe 8 flights with them in their first year. A few years later, our third came along and he was completely different. Woke up at least 3 times a night for 7 months straight. Would only take breastmilk from the source (seriously, we introduced bottles early but he would rather starve all day). Would only sleep in certain babycarriers, but hated his carseat and hated the stroller. I was in no mood to travel for almost a whole year with this kid, and only reluctantly traveled for a funeral because I was EXHAUSTED. I do not mean to scare you at all, but wanted to say that it’s hard to know what kind of kid you are going to get, but having kids is itself and adventure.
Parfait
My parents traveled all over the European continent with me when I was 3-6 months old. It was fine and gave them a lot of conversation openers with the locals. (Also, my father has always told me that the best way to smuggle things is in the baby’s diaper. Just in case that comes up.)
RR
I love this necklace, and the Last Call sale. I so want to spend all my money.
bedtime, please!
I’d love some advice. My stepkids (8 and 10, boys) are staying with DH and me for two weeks. The boys aren’t the problem–we actually get along really well. But DH is driving me crazy! Since we don’t have the kids very much, he’s unilaterally done away with bedtime: a year ago, they went to bed at nine, but now…now they stay up until DH is ready to put them to bed, which is, apparently, around eleven-thirty. When the kids aren’t here, we go to bed at ten or ten-thirty. I get that DH wants to maximize his time with the kids, but this is unreasonable.
Putting aside the question of whether it’s at all age-appropriate to keep kids up that late, it wouldn’t be so bad except that DH seems to believe that unless I stay up too, I’m not “into our family,” or some such nonsense. The other night, I told him (it was eleven-fifteen) that I was going to bed and wouldn’t participate in the ludicrously-protracted bedtime ritual (generally another half hour), and he got snippy with me about it. Then he asked–in front of the kids!–whether I was going to kiss the kids goodnight first. Um…I’ve never kissed the kids goodnight. They’ve never asked. I don’t come from a kissy family. I’m nice to them, we talk, we hug, we tickle, but I’ve never done good night kisses. It was really a d*ck move for him to say that in front of them.
I want to cry just thinking about all this. I’m pregnant and I work full-time and I’m exhausted. Help!
Anon independent
You’re pregnant and you work full-time. When you are tired, politely excuse yourself and go to bed. Don’t let the other grownup who has lost his manners/mind bully you into doing otherwise. The stepkids will need a good model and it looks like it gets to be you.
Also, they are old enough to have a say in whether they want a kiss goodnight. Too bad that H put you and them on the spot. Maybe if it happens again, you can put the Q for the boys like this “this is new; maybe we think on it overnight and decide before bedtime tomorrow night.” Deflection.
You are doing the right thing. You have two people to take care of and two audience members who get to see how a grownup can gracefully deal with a difficult situation. Good luck!
Anon
Have you had a conversation about it other than the exchange in front of the kids? He’s being ridiculous and you need to lay it out for him.
Anon in NYC
Is it possible that your DH is trying to make sure the kids know that they are still a priority to him (and you) even though you and he are going to have a baby? Regardless, I think you need to have a conversation with your husband (away from the boys) where you tell him that you love your stepkids but that you’re exhausted and can’t stay up until 11:30 at night. You’re happy to participate in bedtime rituals if they are earlier (say at 9:30). Reinforce that you love your stepkids. And after the kids are gone, have a conversation about the bigger picture of not being “into our family.” Honestly, it sounds like he’s anxious about making sure the boys don’t feel neglected when the new baby arrives.
bedtime, please!
Thanks for the perspective re: making sure the boys don’t feel neglected when the new baby arrives. This is probably part of it, and I needed the reminder that DH actually does mean well.
Makes sense
I agree – his actions didn’t make sense until you mentioned the pregnancy. I think you’ll both feel better if you have a talk away from the older kids when neither of you is frustrated (i.e., not at 11:00PM when you are well past “done” for the night).
Oy
First off, your DH is being ridiculous — is he off work while the kids are there? Guilting/forcing you into a death march of fun sounds miserable, especially when you’re working full-time and pregnant. I’ve been in similar situations with a stepkid who visits infrequently and it’s frustrating. Stepkid is fine with me going to bed earlier, as yours probably are, it’s DH who gets huffy.
Anyway, maybe the best way to resolve this is give DH advance warning, let him and the boys know in the morning, or at dinner, that you’re going to bed at 10:30, but will do XYZ with them until then.
Good luck, and don’t let DH or anyone else make you feel guilty for wanting to go to bed at a decent hour.
Anon
I see this as separate issues–doing away with bedtime is one and maybe reasonable for the two weeks he has the kids since it is summer. However, saying that you need to stay up too is not reasonable and that is what I would focus on. Are you all spending time together in the evening? If that seems to be your husband’s concern, then I would make sure we all have dinner together and then some activity after (game time, swimming, park, movie–whatever) and then say you are tired (and pregnant!) and are going to bed. I wouldn’t make a big deal about them staying up later.
The kiss goodnight I think would best be dealt with as someone above mentioned–deflection and then a talk about it later.
hoola hoopa
Your gut is right on all this. A pregnant woman should go to bed when she needs to sleep, children that age need a bedtime set by an adult, and the bedtime kiss thing was downright weird.
However, I’m thinking that husband is having issues on a much deeper level and that these are just signs. It sounds to me like he’s having concerns about himself as a parent. Is he giving his sons enough attention, what kind of home life will all his children have, etc. I think I’d (1) establish that you love him and his boys and the family, but that you need to sleep, (2) leave bedtime to him and the mother, for now at least, (3) and try to get him to open up about what’s really bouncing around in his mind.
RR
You’re pregnant, and you work full time, and your husband is being a jerk that you want to go to bed on time? After I b!tch slapped my husband, I’d suggest a calm conversation regarding the issue to figure out what is really going on with him. Seriously–I went to bed before 8:00 p.m. a lot when I was pregnant. Woe to the person who tried to guilt me into staying up until 11:15. Heck, I won’t stay up until 11:15 barring strange circumstances when I’m not pregnant.
SS
+1 to “Heck, I won’t stay up until 11:15 barring strange circumstances when I’m not pregnant.”
I’m pregnant, and I go to bed by 9 most weekdays since I’m so exhausted after a long day at work.
bedtime, please!
+2 to not staying up until 11:15 even when I’m not pregnant! I really appreciate all the helpful comments and insight…maybe now I’ll be able to talk to him about it tonight without bawling. :-)
Orangerie
Hah, for real. I am young with no kids and still in bed by 10 most nights, with absolutely zero shame about it.
Maggie
Also young, kid-free, and in bed by 10-10:30. I wouldn’t even know how to respond to my SO giving me a hard time about going to bed when I’m tired. This whole concept of guilting someone into staying up late, let alone when that someone is growing another human, is very strange to me.
Blonde Lawyer
Different perspective here. I’m a night owl and I stay up until midnight regularly. My husband is more inclined to go to be around 10. We tend to compromise on 11. Does your husband stay up late regularly? If so, he might not “get” why staying up until midnight is difficult. I never realized it could be a challenge to someone until I watched my husband literally falling asleep while trying to stay up with me.
When my husband’s out of state friends visit, he stays up late just to spend more time with them. If someone from the group backs out to go to bed they get pouty faces from the rest of the group. What time do you all get home from work? I get home around 7:30. We aren’t done with dinner until 8:30. If we went to bed at 9:30 we would have practically no time together.
My husband is also from a huggy and kissy family. I am not. The first time I visited his family (out of state, so I was in a guest room) we had only been dating 6 months or so. His mom and dad both hugged and kissed me at bedtime each night. I thought it was SO WEIRD at the time. This is there thing and even now it is rude if I go to bed without hugging and kissing them. If I get up to go to bed he will say “don’t forget to say good night to my parents” which is code for, give them a hug and kiss. They also ask visitors to say grace which I refused to do because I absolutely could not pray out loud on command. But I digress.
You need to chat with him. Explain that you are wiped out. Explain that you want the kids to kiss you only if they want to kiss you. Explain that you love them but you need your sleep. Don’t get on his case about letting them stay up late and him staying up late with them. They are maximizing their time like you said.
Lorelai Gilmore
I agree that your husband is just worried about the new baby. In his head, it probably goes like this: She’s more interested in going to bed to take care of the new baby than in spending time with my boys. When the baby is actually here, she will be more interested in the new baby than in my boys. My boys will become pariahs and I will be forced to choose between all of these people. AAACK!
Of course you should talk to him about all of this – but it doesn’t hurt to also think about whether you can do anything to reinforce your relationship with the boys. For example, maybe you can think about developing a ritual with the boys when you want to go to bed. No need for kisses, necessarily – but what if you tried saying, “Okay, night owls, I’m headed to bed. Love you all. Sweet dreams!” And then gave them a high five, or a hug, or a quick back rub. The idea would be to reinforce your connection with them in your own way. Another option: maybe you could find a chapter book to read together that would be your thing with the boys – something funny, maybe?
Last thought: just because kids don’t ask for kisses doesn’t mean that they don’t want them, or that they haven’t expressed something to your husband that indicates that they want them. I would seriously corral your husband on this point.
Baby gift
One of my friends recently gave birth via emergency c-section. She and her son are recovering, and the Brit Milah is scheduled for next week, and I am hoping to attend. This is a family that is well provided for in terms of money and baby stuff, and the grandparents are super involved (childcare, grocery shopping). I would like to get a gift for baby and for mother, who has been through a lot. Any suggestions? I already gave a few baby books at the shower, so would appreciate advice as to other sorts or gifts. Thanks!
roses
Spa treatment gift card? Novels to read or music to listen to for mom while breastfeeding, if that’s her plan?
Miky
5 months here. Craving everything I can’t currently eat, especially raw tuna right now. I love hot yoga and I can’t do it any more, wish I could but I just feel like passing out. Get her something she’s been going without for 9 months or something she couldn’t do over the last 9 months. She’ll appreciate the thought.
Anne Shirley
Eh, I tend to think a more ceremonial gift is appropriate. I wouldn’t give a new mom a massage gift cert for a Christening. Just seems the wrong occasion.
Savings bond, check, silver spoon, children’s book in a leather binding, picture frame? And if you feel like giving your friend a personal gift I’d do that separately. Depends how formal you/she is.
Wildkitten
Agreed – because she might not be recovered enough for a massage and I wouldn’t want to accidentally rub that in her face.
Lorelai Gilmore
Get her a beautiful photo frame (ideally with a picture of her and the baby inside it – print it out from Facebook or conscript her husband to help out) and a note that tells her that you think she’s a wonderful mother – the perfect mother for her baby – and how lucky her baby is to have her. New mothers need practical support but they also need affirmation that they are doing a great job.
Harriet
Yes. All I wanted when my baby was little was to hear how fabulous I was. It’s easy to feel like you’re doing a terrible job when you’re exhausted. I think that note would be a lovely thing for her to receive.
tesyaa
No good advice for the mother’s gift, but if the family is at all observant, a small kiddush cup is nice for a little Jewish boy. Can be engraved with the child’s Hebrew or English name if you like the idea.
anne-on
A nice set of nursing friendly pjs or a comfy robe? Giftcard to a store you know she favors? I desperately wanted non-maternity clothing after I gave birth but also hated spending money on clothing when I wasn’t back to my ‘normal’ size, a giftcard would have been much appreciated.
Jenn
I have this necklace. It is as fabulous in person as it is in pictures.
It weighs a ton, however, so I tend to avoid wearing it when I know my outfit is going to be the same for 7+ hours.