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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’m really loving the print options available for this wrap midi dress from Alexia Admor. This geometric print feels like a fun '60s throwback, but not in a costume-y way. The blue floral is also great for a fun, spring-y look.
I would pair this dress with a comfy block heel and some understated jewelry for a professional look that will withstand the warm summer days that are (hopefully) coming our way!
The dress is $79.97 at Nordstrom Rack and comes in sizes 2–14. Do note that it says it runs a bit small, so you may want to size up.
Here's a plus-size option with an interesting geometric print — it's $98 at Nordstrom and available in 0X–5X.
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Speed talking
I’m supposed to give a very personal speech tonight with a time limit of 3 minutes. I have no idea what I’m going to say. I understand my predecessors have gone over time and I do not want to, but it seems hard to get so personal right away. Without giving it all away, I’m essentially introducing myself to a new team across a wide geographic area, all in person tonight. I’m not exactly their boss but am a resource. The email emphasized “personal, not professional facts” multiple times…. Any ideas for what to say and how to keep it short?
Anon
This sounds like something for work? I’d talk about my hobbies and maybe where I grew up and call it a day.
NYT
I would not reveal anything I wouldn’t want to see on the front page of the NYT above the fold.
Cb
I think I’d focus on conveying warmth and competence. “I’m speed talking, I grew up X, and have been in City Y for X years where outside of work, I (a few hobbies). I’m looking forward to working with all of you in the coming months…”
Something about how you don’t want to stand in the way of food/drinks.
Anon
Hometown, hobbies, pets, weird interests, fav TV shows.
Anon.
If it’s a global audience, I would not talk about TV shows or sports, as US shows or specific teams may not be commonly known.
Anonymous
3 minutes of talking is about 450 words, so you can write out what you want to say and check the word count.
It’s not clear from your post about what is “so personal” about this. Isn’t it just “I’m [name], I ended up in a job like this because I love ____. I live in ___ now, but if I could live anywhere, it would be _____. On a day when i’m not working you’ll find me _____. I’m looking forward to getting to know all of you– I’d like it even more if you’d reach out to me and tell me your favorite restaurant that I should go to if I’m ever in your town…”
You don’t have to get personal about stuff that makes you feel insecure or exposed. Just think of ice-breaker type topics.
Anon
This is so good. Thank you
History major
Impersonally personal is the right target here, so you can show a little bit of non-work humanity but not overshare actually personal information. Basic family structure if you want, pets, where you grew up, hobbies, maybe a fun fact, pivot to why you are excited about the new job, close. “I grew up in X with two amazing but annoying brothers. After college my first job was ACME company, which was great but I was happy to move to BestCo next. I’m currently single/married/happily cohabitating with a fat cocker spaniel who thinks he’s a horse. My favorite vacation spot was XYZ; the best part was hiking at dawn/the lounge chair by the pool. My superpower is assembling Ikea furniture; I understand the directions! My COVID hobby – along with 80 million others – was baking sourdough bread. After multiple failed/succesful attempts, I’ve moved back to my regular hobby of true crime shows/running/reading/actual hobby here. My cat thinks the keyboard is a cat toy, so apologies in advance. I’m really excited about THIS aspect of the job/team and I really look forward to working with you all.”
Anonymous
If you had an interesting job or a non-standard path to this job that can be a good story. One of my colleagues talks about how her first job was decorating cookies at a bakery. I tell the story of how I started out as a classically trained musician and accidentally went to law school.
Senior Attorney
This is great advice. I like to talk about how I take tap dancing lessons and refer to it as “the weekly humility hour.”
PolyD
I would experiment with a chatbot for something like this!
But yeah, impersonally personal. History Major has the right vibe.
here she goes
+1 DH used ChatGBT to write his company Christmas party toast, it was very helpful. It took a few rewrites (ask it to rewrite in different voices, use more xxx, etc.) but was way faster than writing it himself.
I fully plan on using ChatGBT to write a wedding toast I have to give later this year.
Anon
GPT
here she goes
lol, yes that. Thanks!
ATL
I’d also throw in where you went to undergrad/grad school/law school/etc especially if it’s a regionally favorited school (I live in the south and went to a SEC school so I know that saying I went to X SEC school would go over well and find some fellow alumni OR also generate some good natured ribbing)
Anon.
I am the poster from above regarding global audience.
If it’s a global audience, I would consider not getting too deep into specifics like this. US schools except HYS are much less known and discussed outside of the US, and I always find it a bit weird when people zoom in on their degree from school X, sometimes from decades ago.
Anon
I agree. It seems like half the professionals in my city went to the same small liberal arts college as I did. But my coworkers in Nigeria have no idea what Hendrix College is, nor do they care.
ATL
We don’t know if it’s a global team though. OP just said that it’s a “wide geographical area” so that could mean anything!
Anon
Alternative to the biography format others have mentioned, can you share an anecdote about a travel experience? People always seem to receive those well and they don’t have to be personally revealing because you can focus on the location or experience.
BaltAnon
This is ripe for a “fun fact” type intro. What do you share when you find yourself in a fun fact icebreaker? I’d start there. I like the one above about IKEA furniture – it’s funny and makes you sound smart. If it was me, I’d start with that, and also share something I love about my job, or the work I’d be doing with them as applicable, and end with an invitation to introduce themselves to me that evening.
mouser.
Tell a story. The time you learned a value you want to be recognized for and that is the polestar through which you want your work to be viewed. Sounds like you will be an internal consultant. Tell the story that will become your brand.
Anon
NYT has Heather Armstrong’s (Dooce’s) obituary up. Very random thing I noticed- it’s written by Joanna Goddard’s (Cup of Jo’s) ex-husband.
I don’t know. I don’t think it gives justice to a complex, creative, destructive, talented writer/woman/mother/person. But I also don’t know if anything could. I hate how dismissive the term “mommy blogger” feels. I just know she touched a lot of lives in that weird internet way.
Cb
I’d rather him than someone who treated her work as something trivial, foreign… ie. the normal NYT columnist “I went out and talked to these real people in the middle of the country, aren’t they weird?” vibe.
Anon
It would be weird if he got this job as some kind of consultant because of his connections, but he’s a full-time columnist at the New York Times. I think that’s OK. So sad for her and her family.
Anon
He’s an obit reporter now so writing obituaries is actually his job.
Anon
+1 he wrote for the NYT Style section for years but has been an obit writer for the last couple of years. I’m super curious about this — perhaps it was his choice to switch, but obit writing is generally seen as a less prestigious, more entry level job than the job he had previously so I wonder if there’s any tea there.
Curious
I found this and their content on the new World Bank president oddly devoid of compelling content/ details. Like even though the obituary has details they just feel like “whatever facts I could grab on short notice”. Which, yes, obituaries are short notice..But they shouldn’t feel like that.
Anonymous
A small nitpick here: most obituaries are not short notice. I’m sure the NYT has an obituary for people like Madeline Albright and Diane Feinstein ready to go. In Heather Armstrong’s case I think you’re right. 47 is so young to die.
Curious
That makes sense. On the other hand, how on earth did they manage to avoid saying anything substantive at all about Ajay Banga? Not an obit, and they literally had 8 months to write that one. Anyway, that’s a threadjack.
Anon
Also I don’t think an only moderately well-known blogger more infamous than famous is going to end up on the list of pre-writes.
Anon
Most are not written on short notice is probably why you’re seeing the difference. Most papers have obits ready to go for famous people and when someone dies prematurely then they are rushed.
anon
+1
I’m still floored by the news. She was clearly a person who deeply struggled, it shouldn’t feel like a surprise, and yet it still feels shocking that she couldn’t be “saved” from her demons. (I am not articulating that well.)
Anon
I think all of the articles are side stepping how controversial she was in her later years, but I also think that’s appropriate, considering how she died and that she has two minor children. I am mostly sad for her kids, whom I’m sure have already experienced a lot of trauma in their lives. I hope their father has been a stable figure for them.
Cat
+1, I read her blog regularly in the mid-00’s but stopped when Marlo was a few years old. At some point her posts went from being honest-funny to constant dramatics and I realized feeling exhausted after reading a post was not what I was looking for in a casual blog, plus I feel like Leta already looked “over it” as an elementary schooler. They must have been some of the original “blogger kids.” I too hope they can find stability and peace with dad.
Anon
It’s odd, because I would never, ever put my own life and my own kids out there for the world to comment on and observe, but being able to observe her family life made me feel like I could manage my own family life, as a person who was not into the traditional Disneyfied childhood stuff, and has a snarky sense of humor and doesn’t have a lot of respect for “traditional” institutions.
I almost feel like those first “mommy bloggers” were sacrificial lambs – they helped a lot of us see that no, life is not always picture-perfect and amazing. But their honesty about their struggles made them targets for a lot of hostility and online bullying. I completely understand why so many of them have quit, or why now new bloggers are reluctant to post about their personal lives as much, because the level of obsessiveness that people can develop about a blogger is scary. Heather got a lot of hate on places like GOMI and yet yesterday when I was Googling for information, one of the first links I got in search was to a post on GOMI about Heather’s death, with people saying “OMG, it’s so sad, etc.” Like, I am 100% positive a bunch of anonymous internet trolls picking apart everything Heather did and said contributed to her depression…so the “oh wow how sad” reaction is a little disingenuous for me.
Cat
there are truly awful tr-lls out there who make repulsive comments, but I don’t think a blogger or influencer should expect to be insulated from any negative feedback or criticism – lifestyle influencing based on your personal life is essentially reality TV in grid format, and plenty of people have been happy to analyze for dayyyyys various Bravo universe updates. At this point anyone hoping to make their career as an influencer has to expect it, and if you’re someone who can’t just let it roll off your back it’s not going to be a good job for you!
But for someone who started in the industry super early as she did, I can see not realizing the downsides of the choice until you feel like you’re in too deep to stop.
Anon
+1 I have a very small time bl0g and get the occasional slightly mean comment and it hurts my feelings, which is one of the reasons I know I’ll never quit my day job to try to “make it” as a bl0gger. I don’t think you can expect to be a big time bl0gger or influencer and not get criticism.
Anon
+1
I feel so devastated for her children. Luckily it looks like her ex is in a happy, secure relationship.
Anon
I believe the children have been living almost exclusively with her ex, which is not a huge surprise given her instability and the fact the was so anti-tr@ns while she had a child who was non-binary/struggling with gender identity (not exactly sure the specifics of M’s situation, but it was clear that Heather was not being supportive).
Anon
Don’t spread lies.
Senior Attorney
The Washington Post has a much better piece, in addition to the obit: https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/10/heather-armstrong-dooce-death-suicide/
Curious
Significantly better. Thank you.
Anon
Thank you so much for sharing! I agree, much better. “If she’d been a man, she’d be a humorist and memoirist. But she was a woman, so she was a mommy blogger.” is exactly right. Here’s to a complicated humorist and memoirist who pioneered a new writing media, made a lot of mistakes and made a lot of people feel a little less alone.
anon
That’s really good. Thanks.
Anonymous
I have never heard of this women until yesterday and I just took a dive into her insta and she seemed nutty. She’s not a good writer and likely someone should have institutionalized her based on her posts a couple of years ago. We’ve got to get rid of this influencer thing.
Anon
Yikes– referring to someone who died by suicide as “nutty.” Clearly she was sick, probably even a few years ago. I hope you are more compassionate to people you know IRL.
Cerulean
This is so unkind.
Anon
Well “we” got rid of this one, happy?
You know, sometimes you can have thoughts that you don’t post here. That was so insensitive.
Anon
Unless you are a mental health professional who has personally evaluated her, you have no business even attempting to make the determination as to whether or not someone belongs in an institution. If you have made such an analysis, it should only be shared with her, Anya pointed guardian, and/or relevant legal and medical authorities. Sharing that belief in the internet would be a massive violation of professional ethics.
Just pointing out that’s how things actually work, not “she posted stuff on Instagram that seems weird.”
Mic, dropped.
Anon
*any appointed guardian, not Anya pointed….
Senior Attorney
She was in inpatient care at least once, FYI.
We’ve got to get rid of this mean girl thing.
Anon
Agree. It’s getting very old.
Anon
She wrote a book about her mental health struggles and the controversial treatment she undertook for it – I believe it’s titled Valedictorian of Being Dead, which feels a little too on the nose today, but it was about a treatment where they use a bunch anesthesia to take your body to a barely alive state of being, then slowly bring you back. I think she had this done several times and was, at least in the book, claiming it had cured her.
So sad for her kids that it seems like it didn’t ultimately work.
Anonymous
All I’m saying is that she put her life out there, she clearly was v. v. unwell, and I can’t believe no one stopped her. That’s what’s wrong with society. Where are her friends? Why did no one intercede? When did we let “influencing” become so “cool” that we stopped looking at them as people?
Cerulean
You ought to look into just how incredibly hard it is to get someone admitted to ongoing inpatient treatment. It’s hard even if the person in question wants to go.
Anon
You know nothing about this. Her struggles with mental health are well documented. She got all kinds of help. It’s time for you to shut up and stop talking about things you haven’t bothered to look into.
Senior Attorney
Yup.
anon
How do you know that people in her life DIDN’T try to help her? I don’t think you understand how depression and addiction work.
Anon
You sound really out of touch with modern life and like you’ve formed opinions about things by reading about them in the Wall Street Journal or hearing about it on Fox News. If you haven’t bothered to research or understand an issue, no one is really going to be interested in your hot take about it. It definitely does not seem like you know the first thing about what you’re talking about here, so maybe better to just be quiet. Come back when you’ve educated yourself about mental health and “influencer culture” a bit more.
Anon
You are very insensitive. Who knows what anyone did to “intercede.” And what does that look like even? There are lots of ways society fails people with chronic illnesses and mental health struggles. But just saying “her friends should have stopped her from being on the internet” is not very good analysis.
Anon
“With this one neat trick, all of life’s big problems can go away!”
Anne-on
Wow. What an awful thing to same about someone who WAS admitted to inpatient psychiatric treatment for her depression at least twice and who died by suicide after admitting severe substance abuse/anorexia.
Anon
Can anyone speak to the quality of Alexia Admor dresses? They have some cute styles, but the fact they are only sold at Rack and SaksOffFifth make me wonder
Anon
To keep the dresses looking nice you need to hand wash or dry clean them. The fabric won’t hold up if you put them in the washing machine. I usually spritz some rubbing alcohol on the pits then hand wash. They’re comfortable and flattering on pear shapes so I still like them despite the maintenance.
Marie
I recently ordered this particular dress (in black) and returned it right away. The overlap of the wrap is very narrow, so it was a flashing situation waiting to happen. The construction of the dress was fine but the fabric looked a little cheap and was prone to static cling.
Anon
Any specific brand/product you all wear as undergarments under dresses such as slipshorts to keep things in place?
Anonymous
The Jockey slip shorts are the most comfortable, but when I want a bit of control I wear the Assets by Sara Blakely from Target, which are lower cost Spanx.
anon
I have a few pairs of slipshorts from Jockey. I recall Wardrobe Oxygen did a post a while back reviewing other brands. I think Thigh Society is supposed to be good.
London (formerly NY) CPA
Jockey Skimmies and Spanx power shorts (when I want more smoothing) are my go-to’s
Anon
Do you have the longer or shorter length of the Skimmies? Thanks!
London (formerly NY) CPA
Longer because the shorter ones roll up on me, but I am plus sized with large thighs so the short ones might work better on you depending on body type
Anon
+1 to the longer Skimmies
Anon
+2 on longer version. I used to live in Boston, and they were a wear every day in summer with dresses staple to prevent chub rub and keep things looking smooth. They do not have much constriction like Spanx.
Anonymous
Jockey
PolyD
Assets line from Target or Kohls (maybe Macys has them too?). If I’m on the border for sizes, I take the larger size. They are heavy cotton so they don’t get that sweaty, and they compress, but not painfully ( especially if you size up).
Anon
I have always worn what we called “spandex” shorts under dresses. This dates back to my years of uniform kilts in grade school and high school.
DC Inhouse Counsel
I just do bike shorts, either 5 inch or 7 inch inseam depending on the length of the dress
BB
Thigh Society (which I learned about on here – thanks, Hive!) shorts and then Uniqlo Airism tank on top.
anon
I wear the Jockey Skimmies. Figured out that I prefer the longer length, sized up.
Velma
I love these Maidenform boyshorts. They are light and comfortable, and don’t shift around. https://www.amazon.com/Maidenform-Shaping-Boyshort-Shapewear-DM0050/dp/B07F16WK1M
I go up one size because I’m not looking for compression–just a little light support and no lines. Great under dresses and knits.
Anon
Is anyone familiar with good loop hiking trails in Western NC with a 5-10 mile loop distance? I am going to be in the Hendersonville / Brevard area a lot this summer helping my SIL out post-divorce and getting the cousins together and we are of an age where if it is not too much elevation gain, 10 miles is fine. Maybe within a 2-hour drive? I like a loop trail so I can just leave the car at a lot and not need a ride (and have new scenery throughout vs out-and-backs. SIL isn’t a hiker and is new to the area; all of the teens are sporty. If there is a good book or website, I can check that out.
Anonymous
All Trails is a great app for finding bikes. You can apply filters for distance and terrain, and the trail reviews are super helpful.
Anon
Yes, All Trails. The free version is fine for this. It tells you loop or out and back, elevation gain, etc.
Gail the Goldfish
Brevard’s right next to Pisgah National Forest and Dupont State Park. I haven’t done any of them personally, but I know there are a ton of popular trails out that way; I would just check AllTrails for most popular. Also, under 2 hours would get you to Great Smoky Mountains NP, which has a ton of options. Depending on your tolerance for narrow slightly terrifying mountain roads, the Catalooche Valley section of the park would be the closest and is cool to wander around (popular elk area).
BeenThatGuy
My folks retired there 20 years ago so I’m super familiar with the area. It’s beautiful. Tons of outdoor things to do, culture and great food. Downtown Hendersonville is super cut. As for hiking, there’s so so so many options. The last one we did was Chimney Rock. Not a traditional hike as it’s mostly stairs but it’s beautiful (strenuous but took teenager’s and there were zero complaints). I’d also recommend Cove Creek and Caney Bottom and Linville Falls – Erwin’s View Hike.
Check out https://www.hikewnc.info/ This site ranks them by easy, mod, hard, hardest.
Anon
Definitely go up to Roan Mountain at Carver’s Gap and do the hikes to the balds. It’s out and back, not a loop, but it’s beautiful and not very hard.
Elle
Black Balsam Knob for a good, scenic hike. Dupont State Park for shorter hikes with numerous waterfalls.
Anonymous
I’ve had the same dispute with multiple unrelated people over the years so I’m starting to wonder if perhaps I’m in the wrong. If you’re carpooling and the driver lives closer to the event than you do, and you are not geographically close to either, do you make the driver pick you up or do you drive to their house? For simplicity let’s assume a straight line, your house is point A, 20+ minutes away from the driver’s house at point B, and point C is down the line from point B. So driver would have to drive an extra 40+ minutes to pick you up and then another extra 40+ minutes to drop you off. My thoughts are, the driver gets to decide, and it’s super rude to insist that the driver has to pick you up when they didn’t offer/said no the first time you asked. And fwiw this isn’t a “we routinely trade DD responsibilities and it all evens out in the end” situation, and no children are involved (not sure if that matters). Am I off base here?
Anon
Nope- not off base. The driver is doing a favor/the work. The passenger can either drive the 20 minutes to the drivers house or drive separately the whole way.
Cat
no way, you get yourself to the carpool location in that case, and then carpool from there.
Anon.
This.
Anon.
Adding: unless the reason for the carpool is the the person needing a ride doesn’t drive/doesn’t have a car, is frail etc. But then pickup by the driver going back and forth needs to be discussed and agreed beforehand.
Cat
oh yeah, that’s an important qualifier. But to presume that “we’re going to carpool” means “I won’t have to get in the car at all even though it costs you an hour and half of extra round-trip drive time” is not cool.
Lily
This is impossible to answer without context. How did the carpool come into being? Is this a coworker thing? Family? Old friends? Is it every week, every month, daily, or what? Does the person being picked up have a car, are they disabled, or is there some other reason it’s difficult for them to drive themselves?
OP
It’s come up in various contexts over the years. It might be going to an event with limited and expensive parking, like a concert or play or sportsball, or it’s kind of far away, like dinner in an unfamiliar location or arts festival over an hour away. Sometimes it’s to the airport or driving to some distant location for a weekend away.
Everyone is capable of driving themselves (well, unless they get very drunk at the event, in which case they are welcome to my second bedroom or couch). These are people who drive to and from work every day. If they have some limitation then I don’t know about it, and if it’s a nighttime driving thing (which I totally get), then they’re welcome to stay the night. It’s not a regular occurrence, it’s one offs, and it’s not always the same people. These are friends or friends-of-friends or somehow loosely associated with the friend group.
Anon
What’s the parking situation at your house? If this is happening repeatedly, maybe people aren’t comfortable leaving their cars parked there? And as the person who posted below about having a disability, driving to work doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re comfortable driving to your house. There probably aren’t a lot of people in my situation, so it’s definitely less likely, but we do exist and it’s more likely to be an issue as your friends get older.
OP
My house has safe and easy parking. I’m in a suburban neighborhood with wide streets. There are 2 spots in my garage and 4 in my driveway, and there’s also plentiful street parking. No one has ever expressed a concern about the safety of their car, but if they did then they could park in the garage.
Anon
They are just taking advantage of you. Next time this comes up, say that you are only willing to drive if the departure point is your house; otherwise, volunteer someone to drive who lives in the opposite direction and can pick you up on the way.
Anonymous
I was totally with you to start with, but in light of this info, I’d change some of my thoughts. If you’re taking me to the airport, would that mean me driving to your house and leaving my car there — is that a good plan? Or if we’re going away for the weekend or driving a long distance together? In those cases, yeah, just come pick me up.
But if it’s just that we’re headed out to dinner with tricky parking, or are running around for a day doing fun stuff together, I’m coming to your house.
Anon
I think you’re right.
Anon
I think it depends why you’re carpooling. If it’s because parking at the event is limited or something like that, then the first person drives to the second and then they drive together. If you’re carpooling because driving is difficult and the first person doesn’t want to drive or can’t, then I understand why they might want to be picked up.
Anon
Just adding that I say this as someone with a not obvious disability that makes driving challenging. I do drive, but only in limited situations, which is complicated to explain. This very much limits the places I go and activities I participate in unless I can get a ride, though luckily I’m married and can often go places with my spouse. We live somewhere with fairly limited public transit. I imagine older people face very similar issues with driving after dark and in busy traffic or unfamiliar areas.
Anon
+1
I always drive out to pick up the elderly friends/family.
Also, I think it depends on the total length of the drive, where you are going and why. 20 minutes extra each way can sometimes seem short, and sometimes long…. relatively. Depends on the day/reason.
I have never had a conflict about something like this, so I actually wonder if the OP does have some issue that isn’t clear from her post…. as if multiple friends/family have had conflicts with her about this already…
Anon
It’s actually 80 minutes extra – 20 minutes each way to and from the event. That’s why she’s so pissed.
meara
Agree it depends on the length of the drive. And Peking at your place. If someone wanted to carpool to somewhere half an hour from my house but they lived 20 minutes the other direction? No. But if we are taking a four hour road trip out of town and I don’t have good secure parking at my place, I’d totally pick them up. Relative amount of time it adds to the trip is key.
Anon
If you don’t want to park at their house, take an Uber or get a ride from a friend.
Anon
Carpooling is best for people living in close-ish proximity. Carpooling with someone 20 minutes from me puts the burden on them to get to my house, if I am driving.
OP
Yeah I agree, part of the problem is that a small number of these folks are in denial about how far away they live. Relatedly, they are also always late to everything. They insist it takes “10 minutes” to get anywhere from their house. I will show them google maps, Waze, heck even Mapquest says it is 25 minutes one way to your house, and they insist that’s wrong it’s only 10 minutes. They have no explanation for why they are always at least 15 minutes late.
But like, even if it is only 10 minutes, that’s still an extra 40 minutes of driving for me.
These same people are also never ready on time. If I’m going to wait for you then I’d rather do it at my house.
Anon
I also know those people who claim every location in the tristate area is 15 minutes away. In one case I pulled up my maps app and sent my friend a screenshot of the 40 minute estimate. She backed off.
Anon
If you must pick them up, send a text or call as you are leaving your house and tell them that you’re 10 minutes away.
Either they just have zero concept of how long ten minutes is and they will be ready when you get there, or they will be ready in 10 minutes and you can be all… well it looks like it takes longer than 10 minutes to get here, amirite?
Anon
Well, why do you carpool with them?
Anonymous
If you’re carpooling the driver picks up. Why would you offer to carpool if what you mean is “happy to drive if you want to stop by here.” Use actual words.
Anon
Disagree!
The person who lives out of the way could drive and pick up the one closer to the event, which would make the most sense if the reason is combining parking.
Anon
If I have to drive 40 minutes out of the way it better be rare and for a compelling reason.
Anonymous
Ha, I just had this situation last weekend and I drove to the driver’s house. I think you are in the right BUT I think everyone should be clear on the plan up front.
Anonymous
I don’t often use the phrase “carpooling.” It sounds like something progressive office workers did in the 1980s- and good for them no shade! I’d just say “hey friend(s), if you want to meet at my place I can drive to the concert” or “do you want me to pick you up? your house is on the way.”
Anon
Then why doesn’t the person who lives farther away drive??
Anonie
I’d just stop calling it carpooling, because I do think that implies that everyone in the carpool is picked up at home (certainly that’s what it means when parents carpool kids around). It sounds like what you intend to offer is, “If everyone wants to meet at my house, I’m happy to drive to the venue.” If they don’t want to do that, just drive yourself and let them figure it out.
Anon
This. Just tell them what you want to do. And then if they push back (absent a good reason), I agree they’re wrong. But I think that the word carpooling might be confusing people into thinking that you’re volunteering to drive the whole way.
Anonymous
This happen all the time in my hiking group: People trying to push the ones with car to go to pick them. The solution is quite simple: Im leaving from this point at this time, period. Yes, if it is not in my way you are being rude when I am doing you a favour.
Anon
+1.
Anon
Stand your ground. “I’m happy to drive all of us. Please be at my house by 5PM” and then ignore all subsequent entitled demands. If B or C don’t show up because they were expecting livery service, that’s on them.
Anon
Part vent, part seeking advice: For my current project I’m working with overseas team members. This means my daily calendar is front loaded, often with four hours of back to back calls in the morning (cameras on at my manager’s insistence). By lunchtime I’m exhausted and burned out. My inbox is full and I haven’t even started my to-do list. Of course my west coast project manager schedules 5pm meetings so I can’t just shift my entire workday earlier. I feel like I’m constantly playing catch-up and there’s no way to keep ahead.
How do you stay sane when your calendar is so uneven like this?
Anonymous
Oh no. You tell your west coast person that you’re not available at 5 because you’re starting early.
anon
I would ask your west coast PM to move the meeting earlier. It doesn’t have to be as late as 5 pm to not offend the west coast team. If I absolutely had to work a split day like this, I took off in the middle to go to the gym, yoga, walk, etc. I did not work straight through.
OP
Doing something productive midday is a good suggestion when working from home. That would be more satisfying than scrolling on my phone during breaks. On the mandatory in-office days it’ll still be a struggle…sigh
Anon
You have a conversation with your boss and say that you have been working since 6 am and need to leave by 4. Adjust as needed.
Anonymous
I would ask your West Coast project manager if you can change your meeting times with them, or at least do them on specific days so you have more control of your schedule. You may need to block out chunks of time for you to get your to do list done so meetings don’t take over. If this west coast person is your supervisor, they should be invested in helping you be productive and making this project work. But if they don’t know you are struggling they can’t help.
Anon
I turn the camera off when I need to (I tell myself my manager is not my dictator). I am ruthless about blocking out times when I need a break on my calendar. It’s one thing to make exceptions for an urgent deadline or when there are truly no other times that work on everyone’s calendars, but half the time, people at my office have ample flexibility and just tend to let their calendars book up back to back and then get frustrated. It sounds like you probably do have less true flexibility because of overseas people, but see what you can block out here in there because it helps a lot.
anon
My personal rule of thumb is that anything more than four unrelated hours of meetings in a day is a full day. So the reason you may be feeling overwhelmed is not the time zones but the number of hours you are spending in meetings while being expected to do outside work. Does that explanation seem like it fits?
Anonymous
Yeah, that’s a nice “rule” but not a reality in a lot of industries, esp if they involve direct client contact. I oversee content at a digital marketing agency, so I need a lot of thoughtful time to produce. But four hours in a day of meetings isn’t abnormal.
I would do what I can to first see if you need to be in all the meetings or could be on standby for some of the meetings so you’re not sitting listening to a bunch that doesn’t apply. Can any meetings change in frequency–hour (or less) every other week instead of a half-hour weekly sort of thing. If nothing can be reduced, then see if there are ways to stack. For example, my Tuesdays and Wednesdays are almost non-stop meetings. But that clears me so that Thur and Friday are (mostly–under 2 hour) meeting free for focused time. Block your calendar so West Coast has to try to go earlier. Make it clear in your email and slack clear that you are “out” for the morning so no one is expecting an immediate response.
Anonymous
Aaaaaahahahahahaha. I yes it’s function specific but is manage a team in a consulting function and pretty much my whole job is meetings. Often up to 9+ Separate meetings in a day.
Anon.
I regularly start working with Europe and Asia at 6am EST, and I am ruthless about blocking my calendar after 3pm on those days. IMO, in those cases West Coast people can start early for them, too.
Anonymous
I dealt with this for years and it ultimately drove me out of my law firm which I otherwise loved.
I work somewhere with a distributed team and we block off calendars weird times that people might schedule calls (e.g.,I block 8pmEST-11PMEST and write “EAST COAST” so people in CA don’t suggest calls during that window). So you could try something like that.
Clara
You can’t work in 3 timezones. I started a new job with overseas team members and often have non stop meetings from 7am – 12pm. I’m exhausted after that. But I take a solid lunch break and then work 3-4 hours more max. Thats a full 8 hour work day, lunch not included.
If you’re on the east coast california people can schedule meetings with you in their morning. It’s fine to tell people that you’re in a different time zone and working different hours.
Anon
Haha as a West Coaster I cannot tell you how many 9 AM east coast time / 6 AM west coast time meetings I have attended in my life – I literally cannot count them. 8:30/5:30 has also not been uncommon. I feel your pain! I feel like east coast people, or at least the ones I’ve worked with for decades, think their time zone is the correct one and everyone else needs to bend. This is the first dominant west coast time zone story I’ve heard.
Anonymous
Yeah, I do a lot of 6am meetings. I don’t really mind working 6-3 though. Its nice to have the afternoon free to catch up, get ahead, do chores, or take a fun break (depending on the day)
Anon
I DO mind! But I rarely get my way.
Anonymous
I definitely try to keep all meetings in a friendly 9-2 PT range that typically works for the whole US. I just also happen to be an early bird, so I was happy to get an ET based job I could work remotely from PT.
Anonie
Yea, you have to just limit your work to business hours local time for you. This is boundary-setting. Of course other people are going to set meetings at the times that are convenient for them. Or, if it’s not possible to miss any of these meetings but you have downtime mid-day, take a long and deliberate break. Your employer is only paying you for 40 hours a week, check your paycheck.
Anonymous
I have fallen in love with the Loewe Flamenco drawstring clutch, but no way am I spending that much on a bag. Any ideas for something that gives the same effect (landscape-format drawstring bag that sort of ruffles at the top, with an optional crossbody strap) in the $500 and under range?
JHC
I think Clare V, Loeffler Randall, and Mansur Gavriel have bags with the same vibe at lower price points.
Senior Attorney
I just searched for that bag on Google (very cute!), then added “dupe” at the end of my search and came up with a bunch of lower-priced options.
Anonymous
I will try again–all that got me the first time was fakes!
anon
Madewell has one:
https://www.madewell.com/the-piazza-mini-crossbody-bag-NH028.html?dwvar_NH028_color=BK5229&dwvar_NH028_size=ONE%20S&cgid=accessories-bags#start=50
Chl
Frivolous silly question. If I want my haircut like shiv Roy’s bob, beyond just showing a photo, what are the words that I use? Also, while I think the words might be blunt cut bob, when my fine, straight hair is truly cut blunt, it becomes a triangle. What are the words to avoid this? Please help this poor clueless person.
here she goes
I think that’s a blunt bob with no layers. Personally I hate my hair without any layers at all – I like long layers to blend the bottom edge of the cut – but I kept getting triangle cuts until I switched to a hair salon with younger stylists. Before I switched salons I specifically went in to the smaller more old school salon (that is very local to me – I really would rather support the local place), asked for a long layers that wasn’t a triangle cut, and got the triangle cut. When I talked to my new stylist about the “triangle” and they knew exactly what I was talking about and said it was a different older way of cutting in the layers. The younger stylists use a completely different technique.
Anon
It really depends on your hair texture. Someone who has fine straight hair probably does not need layers.
Signed, someone now has had every bob under the sun
Moose
I would tell them what you do not want or want to prevent. (like you’ve mentioned here) and they should be able to look at your hair and figure out the best way to achieve that. For may hair to “lay” correctly without the triangle effect or too much weight, they have to ad some layers at the bottom and thin it out somewhat, but it may be different for your hair.
Anon
I think a picture and verbal description of how you want it to look, with a warning that your hair has a proven tendency to stack up in a triangle, ought to be sufficient for a reasonably competent or better hair stylist. You tell them what you want it to look like and what styling tools and/or products you are willing to use, and they can tell you if it will work for you. I would love a below the chin, hangs down straight, slightly tousled but not triangular bob, but the sad truth is my coarse, wavy, and decidedly boing-y hair is not going there without much more daily effort than I am willing to make. I hope you have better luck. Your stylist should be willing and able to advise. If not, get a new one.
Anon
Hers isn’t a blunt cut, it’s very subtle layers. The trick is a high end stylist who knows how to do it. It’s the hair version of quiet luxury.
PolyD
I haven’t seen the show, but I have fine mostly straight hair, but a fair amount of it. When I wear it all one lengths I tell my stylist to make it mostly one length, but break up the ends a little. That helps keep it from poofing out at the bottom. I think she basically cuts vertically into the ends of my hair.
Anon
+1
Anon
They may actually call Shiv’s cut a lob, which means long bob. That’s what I have now. Some hairdressers think of a bob like a 1920s bob, chin length or shorter.
Show a pic of the length for sure. You can also practice in front of a mirror by gathering your hair loosely at the back and kind of folding it under at different lengths to see what looks good on you.
Have fun. It’s the style I always go back to.
NYNY
The word for taking weight out of hair to prevent the triangle effect is “texturize.” Some stylists use texturizing shears, which look like scissors and a comb had a baby, and others use a razor. My hair, which is similar to yours, looks better with razoring. You may also consider an undercut, which is when a section underneath is clipped into a buzz cut, which doesn’t show when your hair is down, but reduces bulk. My short bob lays so much better once we started undercutting it in back.
Foundation help
Lancome changed the formula of my beloved Teint Idole Ultra Wear foundation — and it’s not a good change. This has been a holy grail in my makeup bag for over a decade, so I’m out of the loop on other great foundations. Do you all have any foundations that you swear by?
My skin is oily and sensitive, and I need fuller coverage. I like to look luminous, not cakey. I need something with excellent staying power.
Anon
Similar skin here and i used to use that Lancôme one too! I love Armani Neo Nude. Check out Dior too – I don’t have a specific one in mind but have had great luck with their foundations in the past. I find Chanel turns me into an oil slick though.
anon
Maybe Estee Lauder Double Wear? It is more on the matte side, but I’ve never found it to be cakey. You also could use a luminous primer underneath to counteract that.
London (formerly NY) CPA
Estee Lauder Double Wear is great. Definitely ticks the boxes on fuller coverage and excellent staying power. I also have oily skin and it still stays put.
Anon
Similar skin type and I went from using Lancome to Shiseido Self-Refreshing Foundation. Not cakey, applies well, I don’t have issues with creasing, long lasting. The only caveat is that it looks like they may be transitioning to a different formula. Sephora is out of most color and the have another “radiant lifting” foundation with the same bottle, which I haven’t tried.
Anon
Bobbi Brown Skin foundation, SPF. Apply with fingers or a brush in a stippling/patting motion. It’s such a good one.
Anon
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/3019149?color=250&size=one%20size
Annony
I love the Armani luminous silk foundation
Anonymous
I recently experimented with a move to Fenty foundation and have liked it. My skin specs are similar to yours.
KW
I’m having a fat grafting procedure to improve the results of my post-mastectomy reconstruction. It involves abdominal liposuction so I will have to wear an abdominal binder for a few weeks afterwards. The hospital will provide one but I’d like to have a backup. Any recs? Apparently any Spanx-like garment will work. (I’m also open to any recovery tips as well!) Thanks.
BeenThatGuy
My suggestion would be to buy a few hospital grade abdominal binders. This was my preference post-full tummy tuck. They can be scratchy so I would wear a long white t-shirt under it so I didn’t get any chaffing. I never found a Spanx-like garment that made me feel supported the way the binder did. Good luck!
go for it
I had a back fat graft for a scar revision on a different body part and had to wear a binder for several weeks. Hospital grade one was best for me because the velcro closure could get it tight enough. As to the healing, walk as much as you can because it greatly helps mental state and overall healing. The scars (kind of look like cigarette burns!) took about a year to fully disappear and I did use the scar creams as recommended. Wishing you a smooth procedure and recovery.
Anonymous
I did this and it did not help my breasts at all and left my abdomen lumpy. I honestly think this is a scam an wish I had not done it. Plastic surgeons are great sales people. Beware.
Anon
I barely manage to keep myself current, much less my spouse. Anyone have suggestions for decent business casual outfit for a guy? He lives in t-shirts and joggers most of the time but needs something more elevated for attending my social-not-social work events this summer and I am hopeless. Would prefer something nicer than Target, maybe about $500 for a whole outfit, and reasonably current in style. Links would be fantastic. TIA!
Lily
Check out mizzen and main. My husband loves their golf polos and their pants that sort of look like real pants but are a technical fabric. Very sharp looking.
Anonymous
With that budget drop him off at Nordstrom with a personal shopper
Anon
This is correct.
Anonymous
Yes. This is the answer. Or in my area Bloomingdale’s does this too.
Senior Attorney
Yes I’ve had good luck with them with my husband.
here she goes
Go to either of the below links, pick which one you like best and your DH will wear, then scroll down to the Style ideas for this item. Buy all the items in one of the box. Personally I like the Frame slim fit outfits better but depends on your DH body type, comfort with slim fit pants.
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/ag-everett-slim-straight-leg-jeans-fathom/6657581?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FMen%2FShop%20by%20Occasion%2FWork&color=017
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/frame-lhomme-slim-fit-jeans/5772529?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FMen%2FShop%20by%20Occasion%2FWork&color=303
And then I would do exactly zero more emotional labor on this.
No Face
A guy at work swears by lululemon ABC pants. They look good and they seem to fit with that category. I plan to buy some for my husband.
Anon
Go to Indochino, get some flat front chinos and a casual button down and third piece depending on your climate. Slip on loafers for summer.
Anonymous
My husband wears non-distressed Levi’s jeans or Patagonia chinos with a cotton checked shirt from Vineyard Vines or a polo from someplace like Marine Layer. A good casual belt is essential. For shoes, a dress shoe/sneaker hybrid is current.
Anon
Bonobos
Anon
Bonobos
Anon
I don’t think business casual changes as much for men as it does for women? Or maybe we’re just not that trendy. My husband has been wearing the same bonobos pants and jcrew button ups for years. The main difference is he now might wear nice sneakers instead of fancy leather shoes.
Lily
We have some body damage to our leased car. There are two areas and the quote we got for the body work was $6k. It’s unclear how the damage happened – probably someone rammed us while we were parked or something heavy fell on the side of the hood. Our insurance company can’t tell us whether submitting the claim will drive up our premiums or by how much. Our deductible is $500. Also, our lease on the car is up next month so we need to decide whether to (a) buy out the lease and do the repairs and either keep it or turn around and try to sell for a profit, (b) do the repairs and turn it back in or (c) turn it back in without doing repairs and end up paying the dealership for the damage (or getting a lower trade-in value on a new lease).
What would you do? Any idea how much I can expect our premiums to go up? We’ve literally never had any car insurance claims so I have no idea how it works.
Anon
What were you planning to do at the end of your lease before the damage?
Lily
Either trade it in for a new lease on the newer version of the same car, buy out the lease and keep the car indefinitely, or buy out the lease and re-sell it. We hadn’t figured that out yet, and now this complicates things.
Anon
Put it through insurance to fix and then turn it in at lease end or buy if you were planning to. Pay the deductible. Your rates won’t go up much for property damage only without a corresponding accident.
Anonymous
I had a similar situation and it was covered under the comprehensive part of my auto insurance policy, which has a much lower deductible than collision. My rate did not increase.
Anon
Can you actually use your insurance to pay for multiple, old, different episodes of body damage (comprehensive or collision)? I had assumed you had to file a police report and request coverage at the time of the event.
I ask because I need to sell my Dad’s car, which (similar to the OP?) that has several dings/scrapes from years of parking in tight hospital parking structures. Do you mean I can take it in to a shop now, get all the bodywork repairs and submit it to my insurance under comprehensive, and then just pay a small deductible? Seems crazy that would be allowed.
Anon
Yes if you had the same insurance when the damage happened. Insurance covers incidents that happened during the policy period. If you didn’t and a recent issue is in the same area that would fix an older issue (say a bumper has new and old dings), that works too. Some policies may have time limits for making claims. It’s easier if you’ve had the same carrier.
Anon
If they were separate incidents your deductible would apply to each and every incident. I also don’t think they’re going to take wear and tear claims. Read your policy.
Anon
+1 definitely a separate deductible for each instance. And if your dad didn’t have “collision” nothing would be covered. Someone who’s constantly dinging up their car probably dropped collision coverage years ago because it’s expensive and not worth it for an old car.
Anon
Don’t fix and resell – the damage will mean that the resale price will be lower.
Run the numbers on every other option. What would a new lease cost? How much would the dealership charge for the repairs? How much does it cost to buy them out? Absent those numbers, there I no advice to give.
Anonymous
Any tips for breaking in Vejas? (the campo). The bottom part of the tongue (by the seam) is painfully pressing on the top of my foot right above the toes. I’ve tried bending it the opposite way but that doesn’t seem to help much. Weirdly it’s only the right shoe, the left feels great.
Cat
Vejas either require 0 breaking in (as they did for me) or they’re not a match for your foot IMHO. The Campos are sturdily constructed.
Anon
I would take it to a cobbler to see if they could stretch them. I’ve had the problem you describe with shoes several time (though not vejas specifically) and it never got better.
H13
I have an elementary age child with a chronic illness diagnosis that qualifies as a disability. The illness is currently well-managed and we have solid health insurance through employers.
I was recently made aware that because of the disability, I can enroll my child in Medicaid as secondary insurance. Is there any downside to doing so? Procedures, testing, and medication add up even when he is relatively well and, of course, I want to ensure he has coverage should anything happen. Thanks!
Anon
No, absolutely no downside. Why would there be?
pugsnbourbon
In the US healthcare system? I’d be wary, too.
Anon
Medicaid is a life-saving insurance program that covers over 90 million people in this country and should be available more broadly. It’s not a conspiracy. There are no downsides, especially with primary insurance kicking in too.
Anon
There are lots of complicated rules about how secondary insurance impacts primary insurance coverage and premiums. It’s not as “duh” as you’re making it out to be. No one has suggested Medicaid is a “conspiracy” and the fact that Medicaid is a life-saving program that covers 90 million people is true, but is also not a reason that someone with good primary insurance would automatically benefit from enrolling in Medicaid. It’s a completely reasonable question for OP to ask.
Cerulean
I don’t think anyone is saying there’s a conspiracy here. OP just wants to know if there might be downsides she should take into consideration.
Anon
Additional insurance means OP pays less out of pocket best case, the same out of pocket worst case. I don’t know what you’re on about.
Cerulean
Anon at 12:32, it can also mean insurance disputes where you spend hours and hours on the phone trying to get things paid for.
Anon
At my employer premiums are WAY higher if you have secondary coverage, so that could be one potential downside.
Anon
+1 to pugsnbourbon. There isn’t a downside, to my knowledge, but it definitely isn’t a st*pid question. The US insurance system is complicated enough that it’s completely possible that there would be.
pugsnbourbon
Right – I wasn’t trying to suggest a grand conspiracy. My concern would be that getting this coverage now might potentially disqualify OP’s child from other coverage down the line, or similar. I’m really glad to hear that’s not the case and I hope things go smoothly for OP!
Anon
You should definitely do this. Downsides: make sure that all your providers take the Medicaid plan you’re signing up for (even though it’s secondary, if they don’t take your plan they won’t see you anymore). Know that a lot of private practices won’t take Medicaid. Medicaid is a pain (in terms of bureaucracy, kicking people onto new plans etc).
H13
This is all new to me. I think I need a good primer on how this all works. Do you always have to use both insurances?
Anon
Look for your state’s parent to parent organization (most have one) and contact them- they likely have a primer/resources available or would know who would.
My limited understanding is that it’s illegal for medical offices to require cash payments from Medicaid patients. So you can’t just use your primary insurance and the pay the copay if you have Medicaid secondary.
Anon
+1 on contacting the P2P for your state. Medicaid varies from state to state, but in general, yes, it will likely be a significant support to your child and your family. It’s not uncommon to find that private insurance denies services as a child with complex needs grows older. Medicaid more consistently supports kids with disabilities, particularly if a good HCBS waiver program is available. (Your P2P can tell you about waiver programs.)
It’s typical that you submit first to primary (private), then to secondary (Medicaid). If you can keep your child on both policies, your provider access may increase. We have never had a non-medicaid enrolled provider deny us service.
Anon
+1
In general, if the doctor doesn’t take Medicaid, emphasize that you have primary insurance and would be willing to pay any co-pays outside of that so they do not have to work with submitting to Medicaid, if that is the issue. Then submit the receipts on your own to Medicaid.
For the drug coverage alone, you should do this.
Anonymous
Would your private insurance company let Medicaid be secondary, or would it insist that Medicaid be primary?
Anonymous
Research this very carefully. I don’t have personal experience, but have done some research on it and read about unexpected impacts.
wedding gift questions
Right dollar amount for a wedding gift for my boss’s daughter? We won’t be attending the out of state wedding, but I’d like to send something.
Separate question: two friends got married – they’re gay and starting the process towards having a child and raising money for that purpose instead of wedding gifts. We attended their wedding in DC. How much would you give in that situation? Thanks all!
Cat
Are any other coworkers invited? Could be a good time for a group gift. Also, your boss s-cks for inviting you to their kid’s out of state wedding. Just how you want to spend your PTO and money.
If going with cash I feel like $150-$200 (as a couple, not individually) is a typical one for east coast weddings.
Anonymous
Boss $50 friend $200
Anon
This is what I’d do too
Anon
I’d do $100 for boss’ kid (and I don’t think it’s a bad thing, many people become friends with those they work with) and $300 for your friends.
NYCer
These would be my numbers too.
Anonie
+1 on $50-100 for boss’ kid and $200 for the friends.
Anon
+2
Moose
Looking for your favorite ankle or no-show athletic socks as mine have bit the dust. I don’t do any one activity in particular, so don’t nee specific “running” socks, for example. Tend to get sweaty feet.
Anon
I think Bombas are the gold standard ankle socks but they are not no show.
here she goes
+1 to Bombas, and good news – they do make no show socks too.
Anon at 10:27
Oh good to know! Thank you! I stocked up years ago and the Bombas last so long that I haven’t shopped for them since.
Anon
Those are the most disappointing, slide down no shows ever. For the price point, the Lululemons are a lot better.
anon a mouse
+1. I love Bombas ankle and quarter socks but the no-shows were terrible. And my toenail poked through within hours of putting them on. Thank goodness for their money-back guarantee.
Senior Attorney
+1 love my Bombas
Senior Attorney
But yes, I’m thinking of the ankle socks. The no-shows were not good.
Mrs. Jones
+1 Bombas ankle and no-show socks
A.
One more vote for Bombas. Can’t beat ’em!
Anon
Lululemon. They are pricey but worth it.
Anonymous
I hate Bombas, they take much longer to dry than all our other socks. Look at Darn Tough, they make great socks.
Anon
Gap athletic socks are my favourite – very comparable to Lululemon but cheaper.
Anonymous
I asked a similar question last week and someone suggested Feetures. Mine just arrived yesterday and seem good, can update next week after wearing them for a few days.
Anon
Is anyone following the case of the 6 year old who s h o t his teacher in Newport News in January? The mom did an interview yesterday and said her son has ADHD and that’s why he did it, and that he was taking his meds and doing well and that’s why they had stopped going to class with him. I’m not a child psychologist, but whatever’s going on there ain’t ADHD.
Anonymous
Yeah, this case is a dumpster fire. ADHD does not make you violent. And the mom sounds like she is trying to blame the teacher for “not listening” to the kid. The child was removed from the home and held in a hospital for some time, but this article states that he is now enrolled in another school, which is terrifying. I bet the teachers and parents in that school are unaware because of privacy restrictions.
I I have several friends who teach in another VA school district and who are becoming increasingly concerned about classroom safety. Kids are allowed to throw chairs, etc. without being expelled. One teacher said that a kid who she sent to the principal’s office after a violent outburst was sent back to the classroom with candy and a fidget toy. The excuse is always “oh, but he has a disability so we can’t do anything about it.”
Anonymous
Agree that ADHD doesn’t give you access to guns and this isn’t the TYPICAL presentation of ADHD, but behavior problems go along with ADHD, sometimes severe behavior problems. My son is AuDHD, but the hyperactivity and impulsivity and more terrify me, and as he gets older and bigger (dad is 6′) we’re going to have a serious problem if we can’t get through to him now.
Anonymous
ADHD often causes behavioral problems sure, but typically through impulsivity. For example, hitting someone is an impulse that is acted on in the moment rather than being able to consider the action.
Shooting a teacher requires thinking of the idea, getting a gun, sneaking the gun into school, and then actually doing it. Thats a lot more than impulsivity.
Not to mention that ADHD is already stigmatized and we don’t need the general public considering whether every kid (or adult) with a diagnosis is a possible killer.
Anonymous
This right here. This was a six-year-old who planned and executed an attempted killing in cold blood, which is not just ADHD impulsivity. His actions satisfy the elements of first-degree (premeditated) attempted murder. The prosecutor didn’t charge the child because he didn’t believe a six-year-old would be competent to understand the proceedings and assist in his own defense, but he clearly had the mental capacity to plan and execute the crime.
Anon
As the mom of a son with ADHD, respectfully, this attitude you’re exhibiting is part of the problem. Your son can’t help the way his brain works. One of the things I did for myself that has helped me tremendously, and helped me be a better parent, is to read extensively about ADHD and how it affects decision making and executive functioning. I strongly recommend you go see a family therapist who has experience with ADHD families – we did this – who can help you figure out how to structure family systems and expectations, in a way that doesn’t require your son to have a different type of brain to be successful within the confines of his own family. It’s not about not having expectations or chores or rules but about understanding your child better and setting himself and you and your husband up for success.
anon
Re: your last example, a teacher at a local school here was several beaten by a student recently and he got popped right back in school because he has a disability and the school wouldn’t address any sort of consequences. They “kindly” told her he might be at graduation, which she is scheduled to attend and she said no thanks, I’m not attending talk to my lawyer if that’s a problem
anon
*severely
Anonymous
One of my friends who teaches in an inclusion classroom (special ed plus mainstream) says that the kids are conditioned not to object to any behavior from a child identified as having ADHD or another disability, including unwanted touching, because “they can’t help it.” It’s sad.
Seventh Sister
My kids’ school is displaying the same kind of ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ about violence and consequences whether the victim is a teacher or a student. That said, parent and community agitation has helped a bit. In the space of a year the school has gone from “we can neither confirm nor deny any type of incident occurred at any time” to “this happened at lunch today please talk to your student about blah blah blah.”
anon
ADHD doesn’t give a 6 y.o. access to guns.
Anon
The mom can say whatever she wants to say. Doesn’t make it accurate, just, or reasonable. I am not being sarcastic. It is helpful to look at this as “she wants to make excuses for her kid, even if it hurts other people.”
Anonymous
The ABC story says the teacher has already “recovered” from her injuries. Previous reports indicated that the road to recovery would be much, much longer than a few months. How irresponsible.
Anonymous
To clarify–irresponsible of ABC to accept the parent’s assertion that the teacher had recovered.
Anonymous
Why on earth is the mother’s lawyer letting her give interviews? It seems that the intent is to contaminate the jury pool. Her statements are just gross.
Anon
My clients certainly don’t always take my advice!
Anonymous
True, but in this case the lawyer also gave an interview and seemed to have advised the client on hers.
Anonymous
This is yet another example of the dangerous trend towards misdirection and blaming mental illness or disability for wounds inflicted with firearms. First off, ADHD does not ordinarily cause homicidal behavior. It is dangerous and harmful to other children with ADHD to use it as an excuse for an attempted murder. Second, if the child hadn’t had access to a deadly weapon the outcome of his attack against his teacher would have been much different.
Anonymous
I haven’t been following closely, but I had a feeling the parents were either going to say ADHD or autism when they kept mentioning his “acute disability”.
I had to go to confession after a discussion with someone after they tried to blame autism for the sandy hook shooting so I’m not going to say anything more.
Anonymous
I had the same feeling. I also had the feeling that if the parent was supposed to be with the child in the classroom at all times he shouldn’t have been in that classroom to begin with. I have never, ever heard of such a disability accommodation.
Anecdata
I haven’t heard of parents attending but I have absolutely heard of kids having a 1:1 aide in order to be in a classroom – and given how understaffed special ed services are in a lot of districts, I wonder if parents were basically subbing in until the position was filled?
anon
In my area, waiting lists for 1:1 aides are years long. I’ve seen instances where parents get the certification to become aides so their children have the 1:1 at school.
Anon
Teachers I know have complained about parents in the classroom. (Sometimes the parents are great and really helpful, and sometimes there’s more of a “it all makes sense now” reaction to some of what they’ve witnessed.) It doesn’t strike me as at all uncommon.
Anonymous
In this case I think the blame clearly lies with the parents who let the kid have access to a gun and the school that refused to act on the information that he was carrying it. But it’s also quite chilling: as a parent, what would I do if my 6-year-old were that dangerous? It’s almost impossible to get even an adult who is a danger to others locked up, and that’s only temporary. The only thing I think you could do about a dangerous child would be to put them in a prohibitively expensive, and probably abusive, therapeutic boarding school.
pugsnbourbon
This article is pretty harrowing: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/06/when-your-child-is-a-psychopath/524502/
Anon
It’s really not clear to me that a six year old child understands consequences of their actions to this extent? From their view, they may be a hero and the teacher may be an evil villain. They’re still a child! That is how I would interpret their action if they hit a teacher. The problem is the weapon.
Anonymous
He didn’t just lash out and hit the teacher. He planned ahead to bring the gun and shoot his teacher. Any six-year-old knows that the purpose of shooting someone is to kill them. He also had a previous history of violent behavior at school against another teacher and other students.
Anon
I only saw the headline but that stuck out to me too. She’s potentially stigmatizing other kids with ADHD by saying that.
anon
With summer coming up, I’m looking for either a good racerback bra, or a bra with closer-set straps, that I can wear with tank tops. Perimenopause has pushed me from a B cup to a D over the past couple of years, so this is unfamiliar territory. My previous options all had very skinny straps and my support needs have, um, changed.
Anon
Soma has a pretty and comfortable racer back style bra (narrower straps) but with lace in the back. It’s really pretty. I wear it with tops that need a the type of strap shape you are talking about. The bra name escapes me, but you can easily search for lace back.
Annony
I have the spanx bra-lelluiah racer back. It has a front closure and the straps are wide and very soft
anon
I’d like to go out of town for my birthday for a couple of days with my husband. It’s the week after memorial day, I live in Houston, and I’d like it to be drivable and affordable. any suggestions?
Anon
Have you been to Natchitoches? We really enjoyed it for a couples weekend when we lived on the other side of LA. We really enjoyed Magnolia Plantation, owned by the National Park Service, and the Ft St Jean historical interpretive center. And the meat pies 😉
https://www.natchitoches.com/
Anon
If you haven’t been, I would go to Fredericksburg for a weekend in Texas Wine Country.
Anonie
Golden Nugget in Lake Charles? Pretty much the opposite of wine country suggested above, so it’s a “know your vibe” thing :)
Anon
It’s a short flight to New Orleans . . .
Very Low Stakes Question
Been tempted to buy those daily facial towels – supposed to be better for your skin that using a regular towel for several days in a row. What do you do – use a different towel every day (lots of laundry); use a disposable (supposedly compostable) that dries your face; something else?
PolyD
I don’t change the face towel daily (I do change a few times a week) but I bought a package of very small towels/large washcloths from Kohls or Bed Bath and Beyond. They are more like dish towels, not fluffy, so they don’t take up much space in the laundry. And I say this as someone who rents and does not have their own washer and dryer, so I only do laundry every other week or so. A few of these small towels doesn’t make much difference.
Anon
Yup, same. They take up a minimal amount of laundry space and make no difference.
Anon
I use a fresh washcloth every day to wash my face, I just got a 24 pack of cheap ones at Target.
Anon
Same.
anon a mouse
I have about 20 washcloths from Target, all gray so that makeup/dirt doesn’t show. I use half to wash my face and then the dry half to dry. Easy to just toss in with sheets and towels when I’m doing laundry, having a large number means I never run out and they last longer overall because they are only used maybe 15x a year.
Anon
I have a towel protocol. Middle for the personal bits, the very ends reserved for face, the rest of it for the rest of me. And I use my towels for three days then replace, plus have entirely separate hair towels.
Anon
You mean like a wash cloth? I bought a giant pack at Costco and use a new one every day. Hang it up to dry and then put them in the laundry with my sheets and other towels on the weekend. It’s added zero additional laundry to my life.
Anonymous
I use the daily facial ones by Olay. I’m pretty on the ball otherwise environmentally so this is one of my indulgences. I will say that I cut them all in half and pop them in a jar on my counter. Half is sufficient, I don’t need the full one but I also don’t wear a ton of makeup.
Cat
I use the same towel for a week. It dries thoroughly and only touches me when I’m clean. My skin hasn’t had anything negative to say about the practice.
Anon
Are you talking about washcloth or a towel? I use a new washcloth every day and I have a dedicated face drying towel that I change about once or twice per week. My face is clean when I dry it, my face drying towel doesn’t get dirty.
Specifically, I use a balm cleanser at night to get everything off. I first put it on dry skin, then when it seems to have done the initial work of breaking my makeup down, I emulsify it with wet fingers (warm water, cold won’t work as well) and keep massaging it around, then I get it off with a wet cloth. I have both makeup eraser brand cloths and the Beauty Pie cloths, which are terry on one side and muslin on the other. I prefer the Beauty Pie but the makeup erasers are good too. By then my face is completely, completely clean and I dry it on my reserved face only towel. In the mornings I use a splash cleanser and don’t use a washcloth.
The face only towel hangs next to the hand towel and my husband knows it’s not for hands.
anon
I am considering giving up dying my hair. I’m 48 and probably 30P grey but most of it is in the front. My own hair is medium brown. I’m a breast cancer survivor and have given up diet soda and processed meat and generally am pretty careful with my carcinogens so not sure why I’m still doing it AND I think I am developing an allergy or sensitivity (my scalp is itchy and burny for a good week after my monthly process). That said, I feel very self conscious. Is there some option that I’m not thinking of? I have done some research on demi permanent all natural, are people happy with that?
Silver Sister
I’m 36 and have spent the last 2 yrs going to my genetic grey, which is much more than your 30%. Spend some time on Instagram/internet looking at #grombre #grayisthenewblonde etc and rock it. Your eyes will look much more beautiful with your natural hair. Promise.
anon
+1
Learn how to highlight your eyes well, and a flattering lip color. You will pop with the grey.
Anon
I have also decided to stop dying my hair. My own hair is medium brown but with significant gray (over 50%, especially in front).
On the advice of my hairdresser, I’m doing it the long way. I’m going to keep dying for a while, but he’s doing it lighter and lighter each time until the dye blends better with my gray area. This last time he added a significant number of highlights that were lighter than I’m used to so I could get used to the look. Next time we’ll go even lighter. He doesn’t go all the way to my scalp so the roots are growing out kind of in pieces. I think this method will take me about 6 months to get to a place where the line of demarcation isn’t horrific.
Another option is to keep dying kind of a strip on the top of your head until the rest of your hair grows out, then change your part so that the gray will be completely visible. This method takes however long it takes your hair to grow out (2 years?)
Anonymous
Embrace the grey!
Anon
Henna!
Anon
What about a different kind of process, like going blonder with highlights instead of all over dye? I do highlights and the goop doesn’t sting my head at all. Or ask for a different brand of dye?
pugsnbourbon
I’m 36 and about 10-15% gray, and mostly in the front like you. Last week someone a good 10 years younger told me it looked cool, and I’ve been riding that high ever since. I say go for it!
Anon
I stopped dyeing this year. I went cold turkey and didn’t have as much of a line of demarcation as I thought I would. I had been using Madison Reed, which deposits color but does not lighten/bleach hair, so as my roots have grown out the dye has faded on its own.
What I was planning to do was the part method someone described on here – you only dye the area around your part (side part) and let the underneath grow out, then when it’s grown out enough you switch your part to the undyed side. I didn’t end up needing to do it, but that was the plan.
It turns out I have kind of a cool gray streak near my face that I’m enjoying as it gets longer. Most of my gray is around my face too.
I mostly don’t miss the mess of coloring my hair. When the pandemic made me stop going to the salon and do it at home, I was immediately pleased with the money I was saving, so now I’m super happy.
I have to use more product in my hair if I want it to look smooth now – and more product for me means one product – because the grays are more wiry, but it’s no big deal.
Good luck!
brokentoe
If you’re on FB, there are lots of very supportive groups for/about going gray. Good stories of how different women accomplish the break with hair dye.
anon
great to know! i’ll find it.
Anonymous
I also love the grombre page on instagram for inspiration.
Anonymous
47 and just barely started going gray last summer. I haven’t colored my hair since 2002 and have no plans to start.
I think the option you’re not thinking of is to get to the bottom of your self-conciousness over your hair, and deal with that, whether you color your hair going forward or not.
Anon
Congratulations on being perfect! That is not the question OP is asking at all, but thanks from the rest of us for the free sermon.
Anon
OMG, no kidding!! I guess this poster works in an industry or a geographic location where women aren’t penalized for “looking old.”
Also it seems like the OP is comfortable with her gray hair but is wondering how to make sure it still looks nice as it grows out.
Anonymous
Seriously. And, by the way, it was not natural for me to get my first gray hair at age 12 or to be completely white by age 35. I color my hair to make it look natural.
Anon
It’s actually okay to not want to look old too. You can go ahead and embrace your grey but I’ll pass, thanks.
Anon
I’ve gone silver during the pandemic. I love it, as does my family. Tons of compliments. Give it a shot.
Anon
I have a full week of in-person meetings coming up, and first time since before covid. Casual/creative atmosphere, not client facing. I’ve been working from home for years, so trying to figure out what to wear. I’m in middle management, mid-30s, one of only a few women, and petite/young-looking, so I want to look competent but not over done, and ideally I’d like to avoid jeans (I also kind of hate jeans at the moment). I feel like the older I get, the more confusing clothing becomes! Any recommendations? Or commiseration from my fellow geriatric millennials?
anon
blazer or jardigan in cute spring color. w pants or a skirt of a summer dress.
Anon
This is what I wore to a similar internal meeting a couple weeks ago except I subbed in jeans and ponte pants which are more my style than a skirt
Same age and wfh
Anon
Pants in a shape that works for you – I more and more like just a classic trouser – a blouse with sleeves you’re comfortable in without a jacket, and some kind of topper. Jardigan is good, I wouldn’t go full work blazer for casual creative, but maybe one of the more current casual blazers. I think if you get a fresh haircut and pay attention to your makeup, if you wear it, you will feel more confident.
Anon
Literally have been looking for the same thing. My atmosphere is very casual but a little more traditional. I finally decided on this dress: https://tnuck.com//products/navy-royal-shirt-dress-2?variant=43476788314334&gclid=Cj0KCQjwpPKiBhDvARIsACn-gzCdAsGhpYr31TfEd15YlDMFzrKma0xU1DyptnSjPoUSzpdd5sYrzc8aAjlPEALw_wcB
I have also recently done straight leg jeans, white suit shirt, white linen blazer, and nude loafers. I have also done chanel-style sweater jacket, white/black tee, wide leg jeans, and ballet flats. My key has been to have at least one tailored/professional piece in the outfit.
Anon
Little moment of celebration – my daughter just finished her last class of her undergraduate education!! It’s a huge accomplishment for her but I feel like also for me because
FUND THAT 529, FRIENDS!!!
We made it though with the 529 alone, and even with a little left over for grad school. :)
Anon
Hooray for both of you! We are making our last daycare payment next month but it’s a little anti-climatic because we’re just redirecting the funds to a 529 (although daycare is actually more than in-state undergrad tuition at our very respectable State U).
Anon
You will thank yourself one day! We saved for in-state tuition, room, and board (the inflation & investment gain calculators were shockingly accurate) and figured she could take loans if she went private if she didn’t get a ton of scholarships. We were honest with her at a fairly young age about how we were saving for college. She got an amazing education at a public college!
Senior Attorney
Oh, my! Isn’t that the BEST feeling!?!?! Congratulations to you both!!
Anon
Thank you! I don’t get to see her until Saturday but dad and I are celebrating her from afar today!
Anonymous
that’s amazing! we’ve been giving the max to the 529s since my first was born and i still worry we’re not going to make it if he goes private. college tuition is so stupid these days.
Anon
Our deal was we will fully pay for in-state. If you decide to go private we will figure it out at the time, but no guarantee that it won’t include loans.
My daughter is going into grad school and taking some loans for that.
Congrats!
If you’re willing to share, how much did you put in monthly and for how many years?
I opened one and right now with no kids (and possibly divorcing, ugh.) I put in just the minimum to get the tax benefit… But in my head I’ve wondered how much it will need someday (taking into consideration the market growth I guess)
Anon
We started out under the amount the online calculators recommended because we had two in preschool, and then we caught up later. My exact dollars won’t be right for you because we started 22 years ago! The online calculator provided by our 529 account was shockingly accurate.