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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
Anyone feel like sharing morning routines? I love reading about other people’s—they are oddly fascinating to me! I’ll start.
Ideal day:
Up at 5:45 for a peaceful, slow morning. I hate being rushed, so I’d rather get up super early and waste time reading or on my phone in bed for a bit instead of feeling like I don’t have enough time.
6: Either go to the gym (which is thankfully a 4-min walk from my house) for a treadmill run or bootcamp class or do a Yoga with Adriene video at home.
6:45-7: Breakfast, coffee, journal. This is often a first breakfast and I’ll do another smaller bite around 10:30 at work. Cinnamon raisin English muffin with peanut butter and banana was today’s choice. Simple and filling. I get so hungry first thing in the morning.
7-7:45: Get ready. Shower, probably just wash bangs/front part of hair, do makeup. At this point in my life I feel like makeup is way more important than hair. My face is feeling droopy lately (late 30s, hello!) and a little extra color makes a big difference, so if I must choose one, it’s makeup. Hair can always go neatly back in a ponytail or bun. Listen to a podcast or calming music (Spotify’s Coffeehouse playlists).
7:45-8:30ish: Commute. This involves two trains. I usually get a seat on the first one (brown line for the Chicago readers) but almost never on the second one (red line). I listen to a podcast while walking to the train and then switch to reading a book while on the train.
8:30ish: Get to work. Fill up giant water tumbler and make coffee: medium roast with generous amounts of half and half. Prepare to face the day. Ideally no meetings until 10 if I have any say in the matter.
Not-ideal day that happens more often than I’d like to admit:
5:45: Hit snooze a million times but am somehow completely unaware of this!?
Wake up at 7:20 horrified.
7:20-7:40: Get ready with minimal amount of steps. Body shower only. Hair up in “artfully” messy bun, do mascara and lip gloss only, wear any old outfit and scramble to get out the door.
Sassyfras
4:30: alarm goes off, I get dressed for the gym, grab something light to eat in the car on the 10 min drive over
4:50-6:00: do some cardio and lift weights
6-6:30: drive back from the gym and snuggle in bed with my 5 year old for a few minutes
6:30-7:15: rinse off in the shower, get dressed, minimal makeup, make sure everyone has lunches for the day if they need
7:15-8:15: husband and I drive daughter to school then finish our commute to our offices that are across the street from one another
This is the ideal, there are definitely days where my alarm goes off and I nope out of the gym or where we are all running late.
Anonymous
Best: wake up at home, drink coffee I made in my French Press, have breakfast and take a walk with my husband. Head to work in my car, and work from my own office.
Worst: wake up in the least moldy hotel I can find in a glamorous town like Bakersfield, choke down bad coffee and the least worst breakfast I can create from the hotel offerings, usually peanut butter on a toasted English muffin, and head to work meetings in a rental car so underpowered large trucks threaten my existence.
Anon
Aw, I couldn’t help but chuckle at your worst morning description… it does sound rough, and I don’t want to minimize that at all, but you are a hilarious writer!
I hope you don’t have to deal with any of those mornings anytime soon.
Anon
Related: why are American mid-market chain hotel breakfasts so bad!? I stayed at a Hampton Inn this summer as part of a wedding block and the breakfast was terrible! It was all sugary pastries, preservative-packed breads, and really sad “fruit” salad. Why is fresh fruit, fresh bread, and maybe some eggs so hard?
Bad bfasts
+10000
Anonymous
Really? The breakfast you describe would be about 4x as expensive to provide, and I don’t know how hotels like Hampton Inn are able to cover their overhead with the rates they charge. (Well, I do — they pay their staff less than a living wage…)
Anonymous
Hampton Inn usually has scrambled eggs or omelets when I stay there, so you may have just gotten a bad hampton inn. The typical hotel breakfast I see is 1 meat (either sausage or bacon), 1 type of egg, cereal, toast, pastries, mediocre fruit, and sometimes a waffle maker.
Anonymous
I don’t mind the breakfast at places like Hampton Inn or Fairfield Inn. They usually have oatmeal, hardboiled eggs, yogurt, and fresh fruit like bananas, apples, and usually some cut up melon. That is perfectly fine for me for breakfast. What I complain about is the coffee! Why is Marriott coffee so bad?!
trefoil
I feel your worst morning so hard.
Best road morning: Hotel has a kettle; I remembered to pack good coffee and the travel pourover; I have time to make oatmeal.
Worst road morning: 4 am panic attack. Where am I? What is that sound? Is someone in my room? Fall back to sleep and wake at 5:30 to a truck beeping as it backs up and picks up the road crew. Stagger into a shower that is either too hot or too cold and smells of sulfur. Gas station coffee on the way to circuit court in a community centre.
JuniorMinion
… I live in bakersfield. If you are looking for a place to stay the Padre is nice. They have some decent morning options as well (Farmacy I think it is called?) there are also a few starbucks and if you have more time head to 24th street grill and cafe (old school diner breakfast)
Anon
LOL. I wake up about 15 minutes before I leave the house. Snooze a million times. Roll out of bed. Get dressed, put on minimal makeup, throw my hair in an actual messy bun, leave the house. Walk three minutes to work. Maybe eat a granola bar if I remember, but usually I don’t. The end.
Anon
Same.
Anon
I am so, so jealous of a three-minute commute to work!
editor
This is actual day:
4:15: wake up with alarm if aren’t already awake
Click on coffee pot; feed 2 indoor cats and outdoor stray. (If have awakened earlier, will have made coffee, read a few online papers, done NYT crossword while staying in bed)
4:17: First steps of makeup: eye cream, micellar water, vitamin C serum
4:19: turn on curling iron, awaken desktop computer
4:20: sunscreen, eyeliner, eyeshadow, concealer
4:22: glance at email and Twitter while fixing hair (curling iron is in office)
4:30: finish makeup, fluff and spray hair
4:32: while using 2-minute toothbrush, toss breakfast and lunch items in tote. Lunch is usually prepared, but if not, throw together a salad
4:35: find an outfit warm enough for chilly office, struggle into tights, sloppily make bed, pick up/wipe down/put away a few other things if not feeling rushed
4:45- 5:00: commute (new location—loving it!)
5:00 – 6:00: coffee, breakfast, read work email and more news. Too early to return any calls.
In first weeks of new location, did brief Yoga by Candace video. Unfortunately, now more concerned with getting to work earlier.
Anon
You start work at 5 AM!?!? What time do you finish?
editor
I leave around 2 ususally, which is GREAT! I run errands, have appointments, go to the gym, and on light days am home before the line of cars picking up magnet school kids snakes around the neighborhood and blocks my driveway. Sometimes I nap afterwards. Also, I can usually make those “sometime between noon and 4” contractor appointments.
It’s not for everyone! I can’t do anything on weeknights (events, arts, meetings, most dinners) but for now my peaceful, accomplish-y afternoons are golden. And the traffic at 4:45 AM is <>.
I fought DC traffic in a previous life and had a longer local commute before this, so I am enjoying it!
Anon
I’m so interested in this. I’ve recently had to start working at 7 am which means I need to leave my apartment by 6:20 to catch the 6:28 subway a couple blocks from my apartment. I am so, so impressed that you have found this routine and have stuck to it. In college (which wasn’t that long ago), I worked full time at Panera then Starbucks and would be up at 4:30 for work, while still doing school full time. And in law school, I was still able to get my butt out of bed by 5-5:30. Now, I am getting up at 6, rushing, and hating it. Part of the problem I think is my roommates: the one is just miserable to deal with and gets so passive aggressive if I wake her up at any point in the morning. Makes me uncomfortable in my own space. And if I’m staying ay my boyfriend’s (bartender) apartment on his nights off, I hate waking him up but also can’t get ready in his living room because he has roommates too! College and law school were in LCOL areas so had apartments to myself. Don’t know where this comment is going, but all I am saying is, as a fellow use-to-be morning person who misses it dearly, I love your early morning routine. I’d love to get back into the grove of waking up at 5 every day. Some coffee, a podcast, and the sunrise were so energizing.
Ellen
I sympathize with you. I never had to share apartements, but when my ex was virtueally living here with me, he would monopalize the toilet, and as a result, I was often late b/c I could not take a shower until he was finished using the toilet, and not just the auxiliary toilet, which has only a sink and a toilet. You do not want to have to deal with his roommates, who, if like my Frank, will go to any length to catch you in compromising or embarrasing positions, either with your boyfreind, or coming in or out of the bathroom, where your robe is likely to become open. If they are seedy like Frank, they often use a pencil to start peering in, which is totally wrong, and Dad agrees that our breast’s are for us and our husbands, not for just anyone to get a free look. FOOEY on them!
Anon
Hate being rushed in the morning, but I still am with this:
5:45: up right away with alarm, downstairs to start coffee and breakfast
5:50-6:20: coffee, breakfast, feed cat
6:20-6:50: bathroom time (the ideal is to stay regular – sorry if it’s TMI), hair, get dressed, don’t wear make-up but add SPF moisturizer
6:50-6:55: grab lunch husband has made while I was getting dressed, goodbye kisses to him and cat
6:55: go out to wait for bus to start my 70+ commute (90 minutes in the evenings).
Would love to do morning workouts, but just can’t get up earlier than 5:45 regularly – I feel like my body could handle it fine, but whenever I have an alarm set for earlier than 5:45, I wake up 2-3 hours earlier than that and can’t fall back asleep. That’s the part that’s unworkable.
emeralds
5:30: alarm goes off, spend 10-15 minutes looking at personal email, scanning NYT, glancing at Twitter (trying to stop doing this since it occasionally turns into a black hole of time)
5:45: get up, wash face & brush teeth, take dog out, pour coffee (it’s on a timer)
6:00: make breakfast (usually something like toast with PB & a banana, overnight oats, or yogurt/fruit/granola) and pack lunch
6:15: make bed, get dressed, do makeup
6:30: morning writing time
7:10: take dog for walk
7:30: leave for work
Sometimes things fluctuate by a few minutes, and if my husband has a later shift I may switch the times for writing and getting dressed so I’m not banging around in the closet while he’s still sleeping. But I’m pretty consistent and feel like I have a routine nailed down that works for me! (I work out in the PM.)
Anon
No morning is ideal, so I’ll describe today’s morning:
6:00 am – hit snooze.
6:05 am – turn off alarm and swear I’m about to get up.
6:25 am – kid walks in and wakes me up. Convince her to climb in bed to snuggle.
6:30 am – get out of bed, let kid watch TV while I shower.
6:50 am – look at the time and realize I fell asleep in the shower, freak out, start making breakfast – kid asked for scrambled eggs.
7:00 am – eat scrambled eggs and toast and drink coffee with kid.
7:05 am – unload dishwasher and pack my lunch, feed the cat
7:15 am – kid ate all the toast and drank the juice but refuses to touch the eggs. We are late. Tell kid to get dressed, brush my teeth and wash my face.
7:25 am – we’re really late. brush kid’s teeth because she’s staring at the ceiling instead of brushing, do her hair.
7:35 am – instruct kid in a loud voice to put on socks and shoes while throwing on my clothes — still partially wet hair goes in a braid for the commute.
7:45 am – kid’s shoes still aren’t on. Continue to instruct in loud voice, while finding her homework folder and putting it in her backpack because it’s just easier. Put on my own shoes and coat.
7:55 am – finally leave the house. realize on the way out that I never did the breakfast dishes, and forgot to grab the garbage on my way out. It’s too late to go back for the garbage.
8:15 am – arrive at school 15 minutes late.
8:25 am – get on the train, run into fellow moms, fell less bad about being late. One is doing her makeup on the train. Feel bad that I didn’t grab my makeup bag to do the same. Put on chapstick and hand lotion, feel a little better.
9:25 am – walk into the office, change shoes, make a cup of tea, glance at email, open corporette.
9:50 am – realize how much I have to do this morning, freak out, hit post and close browser window. Promise self not to go back on corporette until lunchtime.
LifeScienceMBA
Hahahahaha, I love you!
The Beagle Has Landed
I’m boring:
5:35 alarm goes off, roll out of bed, check house to make sure senior beagle has had no accidents during the night, clean up if she has
5:45 make breakfast for self and hubby – he gets a hardboiled egg and banana and juice, oatmeal or overnight oats for me
6:00 shower and makeup (moisturizer, mascara, BB cream, undereye concealer)
6:20 walk dogs
6:30-7:00 read news headlines, do a bit of work
7:00 feed self and dogs
7:30 commute to work (10-minute drive)
CountC
I love learning how others live!
Mornings where I work out before work:
– 3:45/50 am wake-up, walk to kitchen turn on coffee pot, feed the cat, clean cat litter boxes, make up dogs food
– 4:05 a.m. feed dogs, then get changed for the gym
– 4:15 a.m. walk dogs
– 4:30/40 a.m. grab all prepacked bags (gym, lunch, etc) and head to OTF
– 5:00 – 6:00 a.m. OTF class
– 6:10 a.m. – arrive at work gym, shower, get ready
– 6:30 – 6:40 a.m. – at desk
Mornings where I do not workout:
– 4:45 a.m. walk to kitchen turn on coffee pot, feed the cat, clean cat litter boxes
– 5:00 – 5:30 a.m. shower, hair, makeup
– 5:30 a.m. dress and jewel myself
– 5:40 a.m. feed the dogs
– 5:50 a.m. walk the dogs
– 6:05 a.m. pack lunch, refill coffee, put dogs in crates
– 6:15 a.m. out the door to work
– 6:30 a.m. at desk
Abby
omg your wakeup time.. what time do you go to bed?? Were you always a morning person?
CountC
Ha! Yes, I have always been a morning person. :) I like to get to work early because around 4:00 p.m. my brain shuts down and I can’t manage any heavy lifting. I also work globally so it helps for me to be in the office for the EMEA teams.
I aim to be in bed by 9:15/9:30 pm. It greatly helps that I only have pets and not kids, obviously!
Abby
That’s crazy impressive! I also have no kids and a dog, and feel accomplished when I wake up at 7 (and this is a most “morning” person I’ve ever been).
CountC
If I get up “late” there’s always a part of me that has anxiety about wasting part of a day or not having enough time to get everything done! That part doesn’t seem to talk to the part who sits on the couch watching Jeopardy instead of cleaning though ;)
The original Scarlett
Wow I thought I got up early! My mornings are 545 wake up; in the winter, read the internet until about 7/715, then get ready and leave for work around 815, in by 9. In spring/summer, get a run in sometime between 545 and 715. I love a leisurely morning, usually have coffee and breakfast at home.
Wow
Whoa. These wake-up times are more like my bedtimes! Let’s see…
8:30 alarm rings. Hit snooze twice.
8:50 actually get out of bed. Shower.
9:10 Dry hair. No makeup. Get dressed. Stuff a protein in my pocket for the walk to work or stuff bites of (reheated) omelette in between drying hair and getting dressed.
9:25 out the door
9:35 in the office.
Anon
I was really confused about why you would put bits of omelette in your hair there for a second
Ha
Hahahaha!
Is it Friday yet?
Same, I set my alarm for 8 with the goal of getting out the door by 8:45 (with hair washed and dried, etc.), at work by 9:30, but it’s a really good day if I’m out of bed before 8:45 (dump some dry shampoo in, put hair in gross bun). I don’t know how anyone voluntarily gets up at 4am or whatever to work out. :/
January
I was feeling very envious of your ideal morning routine, but your actual morning routine made me laugh! (My mornings definitely more closely resemble your actual morning routine).
Anonymous
You all get up waaaay too early for me!!! Good for you, I would be the crabbiest person by the time I got to work if I had to get up at 5:45!!!!
7:00 AM – my alarm goes off, I search around for socks/slippers so that my feet don’t get cold. Pad into nursery and wake up 6 month old baby (who would probably sleep for longer if we let him)
7:03-7:45 – change and nurse baby, get in some morning cuddles
7:25 – Husband’s alarm goes off, he sleepily goes into kitchen and starts coffee, makes breakfast and packs lunches for both of us
7:45 – Baby and I head into kitchen to eat breakfast, husband showers
8:00- 8:45 – shower, get dressed, hand baby off to the nanny who is always early (so thankful for her times one million!!!) and head out the door for my 15 minute door to sitting at my desk (navigating parking garage, waiting for elevators, etc) commute.
8:26 – Nanny arrives
8:30 – Kiss husband goodbye as he leaves for work
Pre baby I used to get up and 7:00-7:45 was a walk/run around the neighborhood. I am trying to figure out how to fit in exercise, but I reallllly don’t want to wake up earlier than 7:00 (although I think it’s the only way).
Anon
This was my schedule until my son started elementary school and had to be there at 7:35 in the morning. I miss it a lot.
Anon.
This morning:
6:15: hit snooze
6:25: hit snooze again. I’ll be late now.
6:35: 3 year old comes in, wants breakfast. Starts singing loudly.
6:40: Scramble out of bed, search for bathrobe. Remember it’s in the laundry basket. Want to go back to bed because I’m cold.
6:45: Arrange half slices of baguette as a 5-petal flower on my kid’s plate. Put butter, cream cheese and 3 different kinds of nut butter on them – avoid meltdown because I put the butter slice next to the peanut butter instead of the sun butter.
6:50: Eat 3 slices of baguette with jam. Drink me first of 3 12 oz coffees.
7:05: Hop in the shower while kid watches harp player videos on the iPad. Hair is a mess but will have to do.
7:15: Get dressed, brush teeth, put on makeup.
7:25: Come downstairs, announce to kid our departure in 5 min. Take away iPad. Dress the kid. Brush his teeth. Help with the shoes. Search for his jacket.
7:30: Search for my water bottle. See it in the car in the garage, but can’t find keys.
7:35: Found keys. Put kid in car.
7:40-7:50: Drive to daycare.
8:05: Leave daycare, start 70 min commute. Will be late again.
8:59: Dial in to my first meeting while still in the car.
9:15: Arrive at workplace parking lot. Search for my badge while on the call.
9:25: At my desk.
Z
70 minute commute oh my goodness. How do you deal? I had a 55 minute commute for my first job and swore to myself every day that I would never have a long commute again (so far so good, 20 minutes door to desk).
Anon.
Audiobooks. And working from home at least once a week.
NOLA
I also hate to rush around in the morning, so I give myself time.
My Monday-Thursday routine:
5:50 – alarm goes off, hit snooze and look at stuff on my phone (email from my night staff person, Fb, etc.)
6:00 – get up (sometimes it’s more like 6:05)
6:00-6:25 or so – shower, dry and style my hair (short, thin hair, so it takes just a few minutes), do makeup while watching/listening to Golic & Wingo.
6:25 or 6:30 – feed outdoor kitties, pick up the newspaper, eat breakfast while coffee is brewing
6:50 or so – head upstairs with my coffee. Watch Get Up and look at social media and chat online
7:30 – brush my teeth, get dressed, pull together my gym bag, grab a Vitaminwater, pull my lunch out of the fridge, etc.
7:50 or so – out the door to work, listen to wake up music on bluetooth in my car
8:05 or 8:10 – get to work, check in with morning person, right now – make sure I have holiday pencils, stickers, and erasers out for the very stressed college students
Fridays, I have to be at work at 7:20 or so, so I sent my alarm for 7:40 and I’m generally out of bed and in the shower no later than 7:50. I find that I can do that and dither a lot less and still get to work on time. I have to be out of the house by about 7:10 am at the latest.
Anonymous
Wow, you’re all morning people. So I’ll represent the not-morning people:
7:40-alarm goes off. Hit snooze once.
7:45-shower
7:55-8:30-out of shower, wash face, brush teeth, pet insistent cats, make bed while waiting for moisturizer to sink in, put on makeup
8:30-8:45 or 8:50ish-stare at closet to try to construct outfit, throw together lunch, put out birdseed and cat food, pet insistent cats again, remind cats have to go to work to pay for kibbles, leave
8:50-9:20-commute and eat breakfast in car on the way (banana and granola bar)
Anonymous
Yes, thanks. These schedules just make me tired. Many of you are waking up when I’m having my middle of the night wake/sleep moment. I get out of bed by 8:00am, shower/dress, leave 8:45, at work by 9:30.
Anon
5:50a – wake up. I have a Philips sunrise-simulating light clock that greatly helps with this during the winter months, don’t know what I would do without it. I used to hit snooze 8 million times but now I just get up.
6a – coffee and read the local news on my laptop. Let the dogs out to pee.
6:30a – Son’s alarm goes off. He is like I used to be and will hit snooze 8 million times if I let him. I usually go in his room and flip the lights on so he gets out of bed no later than 6:45.
6:30-6:45 – pack breakfast, lunch and snacks for the day.
6:45-6:55 – Shower
7a-7:25 – Hair, makeup, get dressed
7:25-7:30 – put dogs in the room they stay in for the day and give them chews/busy toys. Son’s job is to make sure they have water for the day and the doggy channel is on the TV. Make sure son has everything he needs for school. Make sure I have everything I need for the day. Walk out the door.
7:40 – drop son off at school.
7:50-7:55 – arrive at work.
This is in a perfect world and things are rarely perfect. DS is pretty good at staying on the ball and getting himself ready. The dogs are really the wild card.
anon
I have no routine because my bedtime and schedule are unpredictable – I get up any time from 6 AM to 8 AM (depending on when I went to bed and how tired I am – I’m pregnant so fatigue is real), make a protein shake while the dog sleeps in (about 20 minutes), get dressed and do my (minimal) makeup (mascara and various skincare products, plus lipstick) (done by about an hour after wake-up), walk the dog for 30 minutes (done by about 90 minutes after wake-up), walk 10 minutes to work.
I’m moving to a less flexible job with a driving commute when I move in with my partner in a few months, so I’ll have to actually get more structure in my life…which I’m not looking forward to
Ribena
Some of these routines are making me feel tired!
06.10: my clock radio blares into life and I stare at the ceiling for a while before switching enough lights on to lure myself out of bed.
06.25: breakfast, coffee, shove my lunch in my bag if it’s a packed lunch day, sort out my gym bag (including choosing my outfit for the day), check I have everything I need for work and anything I’m doing afterwards in my bag.
7.00-7.25 depending on the day: head to gym (10 minute walk). Then workout, shower, hair wash, dry my hair, makeup, etc.
8.45: leave the gym for the 10 minute walk to work.
09.05: once I’m logged in and have fought any immediate fires, get a coffee!
Anon
Alarm set for 6:30. Snooze until 7:30. Run in a panic to shower, let the dogs out, choose clothes, and pack bag in a 30 minute time span. Leave at 8. Do makeup at stop lights and work parking lot. In seat by 8:40.
Not all of us have amazing morning routines. It sucks being a night owl in a morning person’s world.
Seafinch
I am on mat leave but normally, I get up 0630. I wash my face and moisturize, brush teeth, run a brush through my hair, and get dressed (I bike 8 -ish months a year and do public transport the rest of the deep winter, so either biking clothes or jeans) and head downstairs. I grab coffee my husband made (he needs lot of wake up time so he gets up with any early rising kids and does breakfast and packs their lunches). I grab my prepacked lunch and breakfast and am out the door at 0710. I am at work before 0800 and towel off if I bike in my office and then change into my uniform which hangs on the back of my door, go to the kitchen and make my coffee in a French press, then head to the bathroom to run a flat Iron through my hair and do a 90 second face. Grab my coffee on the way back and am at my desk around 0800.
Anon
These morning routines are out of control. I will never be that disciplined.
6:50 – alarm goes off. I always plan for the double snooze – best part of the day.
7:10 – actually out of bed. Synchronized morning routine begins. I make coffee, feed the cats, prepare breakfast, and finalize lunches, all while boyfriend is in the bathroom.
7:25ish – boyfriend and I switch spots, he finishes whatever I didn’t get to, pours coffee into thermoses, starts turning off lights, etc. I meanwhile wash my face, run a comb through my hair, and do minimal makeup. Pull together whatever stuff I need for after work – I usually have a hobby that requires special equipment and need to be careful not to forget anything.
7:35 – we need to be putting our coats and shoes on if we are going to make the train….
7:41 – the time the car clock shows when we leave the house if we will make the train…
7:46 – the purported time the train arrives. Haven’t missed it yet! (Knock on wood). I always get a seat and read, drink coffee, and check my phone. Part of the trip is pretty so I look out the window when it is light.
8:42 – Typical arrival time at my desk, after a long walk downtown and a long wait for the building elevator.
Every morning this routine works I feel like a genius for have efficient it is. However, there are more times than I would like to count that I’ve pulled into the station as the train is already slowing to a stop. The rush to get on isn’t necessarily relaxing….
Skipper
6am- My alarm goes off, and I take some pills and drink a whole glass of water with lemon. Then I fall back to sleep.
6:20- My husband’s alarm goes off, and I remember that I should really get up when my alarm goes off so I’m not late and we’re not running into each other. But it’s warm in bed and cold out of bed. I don’t want to get up, so I so I read emails.
6:30- shower, apply moisturizer and hair products.
6:50- breakfast, coffee, pack lunch. This morning I ate gluten free toast with almond butter and a piece of fruit and packed an almond butter sandwich and fruit for lunch. There’s some multitasking here.
7:00- go back to bed for exactly five minutes to drink coffee and read headlines
7:05- race around the house looking for clothes for work and the gym while wondering why I didn’t iron last night or last weekend or ever.
7:15- put on makeup; take my hair down from the old tee shirt I wrapped it in after the shower; shake head furiously while urging my curls to knit together nicely.
7:30- dress while also throwing things in my gym bag.
7:40- grab my stuff and head out the door for my thirty minute car commute. I listen to audiobooks or NPR.
8:10- arrive at work, drink coffee and contemplate the meaning of life while staring at my inbox.
8:30-start working in earnest
Skipper
(I should add that while I’m racing around looking for something to wear, I’m also brushing my teeth. My dentist is really impressed by my oral hygiene. If only she knew.)
Anonymous
Ideal: (at least 2, at most 3 days a week)
4am Wakeup, brush teeth, get on workout clothes, drink coffee while reading or making to do list; start laundry
4:30am: leave for gym
6:30am: home from gym; make breakfast for me (eggs) and my four kids
7am: kids get up, get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast, I change laundry, make lunches; have kids take garbage out, clear table, get back packs ready, etc.
7:40am: drop kids off at school
8am: home, change laundry, tidy up, run dishwasher, super quick shower, throw on clothes and race to train
8:50: on train– go through emails, to do list, read this site
9:20am at my desk with coffee; check email; vm, put on makeup if I didnt do it on the train
Actual:
7:15am Wake up to a child over my head yelling at me
Chaotic half an hour, performing a million tasks depending on what my kids have done for themselves (usually they will make their own breakfast and some form of a lunch)
8am: race to drop them off before they are tardy
8:15am: home, run around like mad, grabbing lunch food, packing clothes, brushing teeth, clearing up morning mess
8:50: train
9:15 at my desk trying to figure out how to get down to the gym to shower
If I have court or an early meeting, I have a babysitter come and take an actual shower and an early train. My husband goes to work super early and handles the after school chaos.
Julia
Ha, a fellow “office make up” routine person, I love it. Why is it so hard to take those three minutes to put on eye shadow and mascara while still at home?!
Senior Attorney
This is so interesting!
6:15, 6:30: Alexa’s alarm goes off, I tell her to stop
6:45: Alexa alarm goes off again and we get up
6:50-7-something: Breakfast. I am intermittent fasting but I make Hubby a piece of toast with almond butter and jam while he does whatever chores are on his schedule, like watering the plants or taking out the trash. We play “Jeopardy!” on Alexa while he eats and I drink coffee and glance at the newspaper. If there’s time we each do a little internet time after that.
7:30-7:45: Shower, brush teeth, do hair and makeup
8:00-8:15: Out the door. NPR for drive to work but today I didn’t have the stomach for it so I listened to Holly (contemporary Christmas music) on Sirius XM
8:30-8:45: at my desk with coffee, ready to go
Senior Attorney
Oh, and some time between “hair and makeup” and “out the door,” I do put some clothes on. ;)
Julia
LOVE Christmas music to start the day this time of year!
Ohkay
5:20 husband wakes me up
5:25 stumble into bathroom to weigh myself
5:26 brush teeth, wash face, hair, makeup (primarily skincare plus mascara) while husband wakes and dresses our three year old daughter
5:45 get dressed
5:50 pour coffee (on a timer) and puree smoothie that threw together night before (cottage cheese + fruit)
5:55 grab lunch from fridge (packed night before), do daughter’s hair because daddy is all thumbs
6-6:15 drive to daughter’s daycare, which opens at 6 a.m. Husband buckles daughter into car and waves goodbye from the garage
6:15 drop off our daughter
6:17 – 7 commute while drinking smoothie and talking to my aunt via Bluetooth (she’s a retired early riser)
7 arrive at work, check email, drink coffee
*shower and workout in the evening
Julia
Wow, early birds! Does the 7:00 start time mean you’re able to end your day relatively early?
Anony
5:00 – First alarm…
5:15 – Second alarm…
5:30 – Third alarm… get up while mentally singing “I don’t want to get up, I’m too tired for this sh&t” to the tune of Toys R Us’ “I don’t want to grown up, I’m a Toy’s R Us kid”
5:35-6:30 – Eat Bear Naked granola w/ blueberries & almond coconut milk, while watching local news and playing on phone, and drinking coffee
6:30-7:15 – Bathroom, shower, pick face, tweeze brows, quick dermaplane, clean up bathroom, generally waste time
7:15-8 – Makeup, dry & straighten hair (if hair washing day), figure out what to wear, say bye to BF who is burrito-ed in bed as he is self-employed (be annoyed that he’s warm and in bed still)
8-8:15 – Grab something for lunch if there is anything, gather up purse and work bag, mobile order Starbucks if I leave the house before 8:15
8:30-9 – at work…. drink 2 more cups of coffee, check email for anything important, surf the usual blogs
9ish – actually start work or if quiet day, work on grad school homework (2nd master’s being reimbursed by employer so no one minds if I work on stuff while in the office)
Julia
Can I ask what time you go to bed? I just wonder why you get up at 5:30 if you have to set three alarms, then spend an hour drinking coffee and browsing your phone/watching TV…
Julia
Ack that came off as super judgmental! Obviously if the answer is “phone time is more important to me than sleep time” that’s totally valid! (And frankly, I’m jealous.) Just wondering if there was some deeper explanation that wasn’t self-evident from your post. :)
Anony
Totally late responding to this but I’m usually in bed by 10/10:30. I like sitting around in the morning and not rushing into my day hence the coffee, breakfast, news, phone for an hour. I try to get up at my first alarm but sometimes it’s nice to just lay there and contemplate the day ahead… the 3 alarms are to ensure I actually get up out of bed =)
Anonymous
I wake up sometime between 5:45 and 6:10 and take a shower. I blow dry my long hair and put on a little bit of make-up and get dressed. On Mondays and Tuesdays, I then have to get my children up and dressed and drop them off. (Husband does W-F). I try to leave the house by 7, but is almost always 7:15 instead. I take coffee with me that my husband made that morning. I don’t eat breakfast. I have about a 30 minute commute and so usually arrive to work between 7:45 and 8:00, sometimes later if traffic was bad. I would prefer to leave by 6:45 on days I don’t have to take the kids, but that doesn’t usually happen.
Julia
On an ideal morning:
6:00 – wake up, nurse a cup of coffee, check email, try to become human again
6:10 – go upstairs and wake up kids and pick out their clothes
6:15 – put kids in shower
6:20 – get kids dressed and take them out to the breakfast table where their dad has their meal ready
6:30 – get in shower
6:40 – out of shower, get dressed, dry hair, put on cosmetics
6:50 – pack my lunch, purse, children’s backpacks, coffee for the car
7:00 – walk out the door
Our “drop dead” time for leaving is 7:10, so when the routine goes off less-than-ideally, we have about ten minutes of slack before we’re actually late.
Travel Scarf
Someone previously recommended a scarf that had an unseen pocket to carry money, passport, etc. when traveling. It came in several cute patterns. Can you provide that recommendation again, please? I realized it will be perfect for my hard-to-buy-for mom for Christmas. Thank you!
Magellan for travel
Don’t know about the recommendation, but Magellan has a security infinity scarf.
Anon
Speakeasy Travel scarf is one.
Anon
3:00 to 4:00 sometimes wake up before alarm goes off and just lie there half asleep… it’s like I dread hearing the alarm so I want to beat it
5:40 alarm goes off, wash face, apply moisturizer/sunblock, change, brush hair
6:10 grab protein drink and pre-packed lunch and start the commute drive
6:40 arrive at work’s carpark
6:50 butt in seat, start up laptop
Anon
I bought one from an Etsy seller years ago. Can’t remember her name but I know there are more than one sellers who have these.
Anonymous
A few months ago, I started jogging with my next door condo neighbor. I’m 31, he’s 44. He’s a great conversationalist, and started sending a text here and there between jogs. That’s progressed to him texting me every day, and us getting together just to talk several times a week/long calls if either of us is traveling for work. We’ve kissed, but nothing else. He suggests, and I’ve accepted, dinner/outings over the last month.
I don’t see us working out long term. The age gap bothers me, and he has a long history of cheating (he was a semi pro athlete). I don’t want to be FWB with my neighbor. I need to tell him, but I haven’t had to “break up” with someone since college. Anyone willing to script this out? I’m supposed to see him Friday night for dinner. I don’t know what to say after “I don’t see a future, we’re not going to have a fling.”
Monday
To clarify–do you want to continue jogging with him, with nothing else?
OP
I wouldn’t mind jogging, but I’m nervous about mixed signals. It is going to be weird, like a jolting change of my day if I just completely stop talking to him, but I assume he may want a little time to adjust and I might, too. Winter is coming and we’ve been outdoor runners only, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that part naturally tapers down or off.
Monday
I think BeenThatGuy’s script is good, then. I’d also suggest becoming less responsive by text.
BeenThatGuy
I’d suggest cancelling dinner under the premise: “I don’t want to give you mixed messages. I’d like to keep to a platonic friendship and remain workout buddies.”
Anon
Yes.
Senior Attorney
Good thinking. Hopefully you can un-ring the “dating” bell and go back to being jogging buddies.
Anon
I feel like I often hear about people getting great deals on travel flights, hotels, etc. but I don’t know how they’re finding those deals. What are the best ways to find good deals on travel? What websites, apps, or other tools do you use?
Cat
Google flights — works well if you have a destination in mind but are flexible on dates (e.g., we decided to do a Thurs-Mon long weekend rather than a Fri-Tues because it was $150pp less in airfare); you can also set a fare tracker.
Skyscanner — if you have dates but are looking for a cost effective place to go
Airport flexibility — even adding in the price of a train or car service, flying out of a bigger city can easily save hundreds (we often do this for Europe flights, flying out of New York takes about an extra hour to get to the airport, but will typically save us $300-$400pp)
Not sure if there’s a more efficient way to do it, but because we have a ton of miles on one airline, we check from time to time on which destinations have reduced-mileage tickets and jump on them.
Some people rave about Scott’s Cheap Flights — we have not tried it yet but need to investigate!
Anon
Scott’s Cheap Flights
Em
+1 This is what I use for our international travel
Anonymous
+ a million.
Anon
If you’re flexible on dates and destination, Kayak has this option called “Explore” that will show you low prices to worldwide destinations from your airport. You click on a price/destination to see what dates it’s valid for. If I have a destination and date already in mind, I just keep checking, and check early (like 10 months out). These two methods have gotten me to Europe for $500 and Asia for $700 from the East coast, with one short layover.
I have friends who travel with points, so I guess that’s another way to do it.
Anonymous
Live near/be willing to travel to an airport that has good prices, be flexible on your dates, and be willing to endure layovers. I follow Scott’s cheap flights, but there are almost never good deals on flights from my closest airport (Philly) and there are few direct flights. From Philly, Newark is the nearest airport with great deals on flights. Unfortunately, getting there means 1) cab between my house and train station ($30 each way) then the train to and from Newark (around $75 each way at any time I want to travel), or 2) I have to drive all the way to Newark and pay for parking at the airport. I’ll fly out of Newark if there are no reasonable flights out of Philly, but I’d be pretty hard pressed to go to Newark to save money because it costs me $200+ and a lot of hassle to get there and back.
Anon
I’d like to take a trip from DC to somewhere warm and tropical in February with a few friends. Can anyone recommend specific places or resorts that are easily accessible from DC for a quick long weekend away?
Anon
Riviera Maya, Mexico
ollie
Puerto Rico!
NYCer
Turks & Caicos is really easy for a quick beach weekend from the east coast. You can have your pick of any of the resorts on Grace Bay, they all seem pretty nice (we stayed at the Gansvoort, it was great).
Over the years, I have also enjoyed long weekends in Grand Cayman (Kimpton Seafire), Jamaica (Roundhill), Puerto Rico (Ritz Carlton Dorado Beach), and Miami (1 Hotel – but weather can be slightly more iffy in Jan/Feb).
Anon123
How do you respond to harsh emails from a colleague? This has happened several times from a new colleague when I have been a bit late in completing certain tasks, mainly sending out meeting notes after a meeting. Our group normally meets once per week on Fridays and I am responsible for taking the notes and sending them out to everyone. On one occasion I forgot to do this, but on some other occasions there is other work I am completing, for example data analysis which is a higher priority because it impacts other people e.g. another person may want feedback on some data etc.The latest email had this sentence:
“This meeting was on the 22nd of Nov and therefore six working days had passed before you sent around the notes for comment. This has happened several times before and we should not have to keep reminding you.”
I had some pressing data analysis work the week after so I did send the notes late. The other work was of a higher priority in my opinion so I spent more time on that. I have thought about how to respond but not sure what exactly to say. Obviously I cannot copy the entire email here but I do find the tone condescending i.e. I am aware of my responsibilities so it is not that I am avoiding or forgetting them. Advice please, if I respond what should I say? Thanks in advance
Anonymous
Why couldn’t you do both? Did you leave the office on time those 5 previous working days and decide to push it another day? Or could you have stayed an hour later and just done it on time. Can you be more efficient by typing the notes on a laptop during the meeting real time? It sounds like you need to work harder.
Anon123
OP here: I take the notes during the meeting on paper. I do it on paper because there is always a video-conferencing application I am running on my own computer which allows people who are not in the building physically to login to the meeting virtually. It is hard to run the video-conferencing application and type on a laptop at the same time. There are times I am also switching between presentations i.e. when someone is presenting and using screen-sharing on the video conferencing application. Normally I type the minutes out after the meeting on the Friday and sometimes Monday morning in a Google Doc and send to everyone so that they can put their comments.
In terms of seniority I would say the person is at the same level as me—-the sentence I pasted was put in an email sent out to the entire team members. Maybe I am missing something but I did not see the point of including this in a group email i.e. he could send me an email directly and ask that I send the notes on time. For that particular week I was really stressed trying to finish the data analysis on time, and I explained as much to this colleague and my boss since my boss had asked to see the results by the end of the week, so yes I did spend a lot of time on that task.
As the other posters below said I will not send the “passive-aggressive” email suggested below.
Anonymous
Can you get another laptop to run the video-conferencing application on? Can someone else who attends the meeting use theirs?
Anon123
OP here again: I have done this on some occasions. But I have also noticed that when I do this the reaction from my boss and sometimes others on the team is that I am giving this task to another person i.e. not doing my job. I am the one who normally schedules the meetings i.e. sends out the video-conferencing link , takes the notes and sends them out. Usually all the notes are received and commented on before the next meeting. These notes that were 6 days late are actually for another meeting involving other partners that happens once a month.
Anonymous
So, it sounds like a lot is going on during the meeting that you’re responsible for – running the presentation, switching presentations, AND taking notes etc. If this is the case, how is it that you also have time to take notes? I feel like someone else should be running the computer and you should be taking notes. Or, you run the computer piece and someone else takes notes. Or, you take your handwritten notes and then your assistant types them up, you proof, then send out.
Friday afternoons are tough for a meeting like this. But I think you need to figure out a way to get assistance to get these out faster.
Anonymous
“Thank you for your email expressing your concern. As you are new here, I want to use this as an opportunity to highlight that the preparation of meeting notes is only one of many duties assigned to my position. While they are important, at times, other high priority items will take precedence and their preparation may be delayed. As your feedback is the first I have had which raised the issue of timeliness, I presume you view your work as impacted. If you feel the timing of meeting note distribution is impacting your work, I suggest you speak with your supervisor regarding your work timelines and duties. I hope this has provided you some insight into the process and look forward to continue to work together productively on xyz file.”
Monday
This sounds really passive-aggressive to me, and I don’t see how looping in her supervisor on the fact that you are consistently late in a work task, and it’s impacting others, is going to play out in your favor.
Go for it
+1
Anon.
Please don’t send this. If you want to deliver this kind of message, do it in person.
Anonymous
X100. Unless you are CRYSTAL CLEAR that you are in the right here, the suggested phrasing above will be taken as extremely hostile. If i were your colleague I’d forward that up the chain with a big WTF and suggest someone else be in charge of notes.
Anonymous
OP – ignore what I wrote – I read it as the meetings are monthly so you aren’t actually late, he’s just complaining.
100% agree that if the meetings are weekly, you need to circulate notes in advance of next meeting. Either by a specific deadline or at least 24 hrs in advance.
Anonymous
Whoa, this might be the worst advice i have ever heard on this site. OP is responsible for the notes, and it sounds like the team wants the notes sooner rather than later. She needs to figure out how to get it done–work through lunch, stay late, do it late at night. Whatever. But 6 days is too long to wait for the meeting recap.
Anon
Nah, if this task repeatedly causes her to have to miss lunch or stay late then she’s got a workload issue she needs to raise with her supervisor.
Anonymous
Gently, I would say that you need to get the notes out sooner, and definitely in advance of the next week’s meeting, unless your boss has said otherwise or the norm is that they come out later. The email may seem harsh, but I don’t think it’s unfair. Is this person senior to you? If so, I don’t think you can respond with anything but an acknowledgment that you could have sent them sooner and will not be delayed again. If the colleague is junior to you, I might say something that acknowledges that they were delayed but also a gentle pushback about the management of the task being managed between you and your boss, just to draw attention to boundaries around your own work. Most importantly, what is the culture at your office? If those sorts of emails are the norm, then go with it. If not, and the colleague is new and might be alienating to others using that tone, I might say (NOT IN EMAIL) something about how people usually communicate in the office.
I know that my boss, certain colleagues and I have a very direct tone in emails that we are okay with, but I’ve learned I have to temper it with other people in the organization because otherwise I get called “condescending” (don’t even get me started on why it’s condescending coming from a woman but “direct” when coming from a man…)
Anon
Agree with all of this…you should get the notes out in a timely manner…yes you are overburdened like everyone else is and new person should be kinder…my policy is not to take these things on via email as they can go downhill or be misinterpreted….take the high road YMMV
Senior Attorney
Yup. I think the appropriate response is a reply email saying “so noted,” and then work on getting those darned notes out timely.
TCF
Unsolicited advice: If you take notes during the meeting, why can’t you send the notes shortly thereafter? I would just take a few minutes to clean them up right after the meeting when everything is fresh and hit send.
That said, I would be annoyed by this email too, IF there was no set deadline to circulate notes, the notes are for the record and nobody relies on them for the next week of work, and this person was my equal. If I know I’m supposed to circulate the notes immediately after the meeting but am dropping the ball, this email would still make me feel bad but that’s really on me, because I got called out for not doing my job.
As for what to say in response, if this colleague is not your supervisor and the notes are sent as an FYI and not necessary for anyone else to do their job, I would just explain that I aim to send the notes around as soon as I can in light of my other deadlines and always in advance of the next meeting. That way you’ve given them an outside deadline to deal with and they can not down their own notes something is time sensitive for them.
But if this person is your supervisor or other team members need the notes to do their jobs, I think you need to figure out a way to get the notes out sooner and let them know you’ll do that.
Anonymous
Is this a colleague or someone you report to?
Either way, (1) get the notes out if it’s your job. If you meet every Friday and the meetings are important enough to have someone take and circulate notes, then they should be out same day. Monday at the absolute latest.
(2) If a colleague vs your manager/someone senior, I’d not respond at all. Just start getting the notes out same day. (2a) If this is your manager/someone senior to you, you should swing by and in person tell them you got their note and are working on getting the notes out in a more timely way–you’ve been swamped but now recognize you need to be more on top of things. No need to start an email back and forth. If you can’t swing by in person because you are in a different office, you can send a short email. But do it with the notes attached–do NOT respond until you’ve got the notes ready to go!
(3) if you think the notes are superflous and this is a note from a peer, bring it up with your manager. Tell them you’re struggling to get it done because of Other Priorities, and how should you handle it?
FWIW, I’d focus on taking notes while in the meeting, block 30 minutes after every Friday meeting to polish (it will only take 10) and just send them out same-day.
Anonymous
Yeah, this is on you to fix. You need to get the notes out in a more timely manner and the other person was right and tactful in sending you that email.
lawsuited
The other person was definitely not tactful in sending that email and copying the rest of the team on it. But the notes for a weekly meeting definitely need to get out before the next meeting.
Seeing as the email was sent to other team members, I think I would respond saying “I totally agree – I’ll have them out sooner from now on, no reminders necessary!” If the email had been addressed to you only, I’d have recommended checking in in person.
OP, if you are consistently having to stay late (if that’s a thing in your workplace, you may have restrictions on the overtime you can work) or delay more important work to type up your handwritten notes, I think you need to raise it with your boss. It may be your boss gives their blessing for you use a second computer to run the virtual meeting program, or you may find out that the meeting notes are considered a higher priority than the data work.
Anon
Is it something that is 100% in your job duty? Honestly I would suggest making it a rotating responsibility to lead the meeting/take notes. We switch off that responsibility quarterly on some of my meetings.
Anon123
OP here: Taking the notes is one of my responsibilities. However, my primary responsibility is a researcher. I work in a research lab so that is why I said that sometimes I prioritise other tasks such as when I had to data analysis and did not want the results to be late–to me that was worse than the notes being delayed.
Your suggestion is good and I will think about it. The atmosphere in this job has not been the best sometimes asking for help is seen as avoiding your responsibility.
CountC
Can someone else run the projection of the presentation so that you can take notes on your own laptop? That seems like it would be an easy fix. That way you don’t have the extra step of typing them up, which presumably will allow you to get them out more quickly.
Anon
One- get the notes out according to the deadline.
Two- if you can’t get the notes out due to another task, send an email and say why they will be late and advise of the new deadline you feel you will be able to meet. Don’t just miss a deadline and think that no one will notice.
Sorry, but I agree with the person who sent a “rude” email (I don’t think it’s rude). It irritates me that I have to ask for something that was due.
Small Law Partner
Yeah, all of this. I would send an email just like you got that if this was a recurring problem.
Anon
You’re procrastinating because you like data analysis better than typing up notes. If this is your job, you need to do it. I would also find 6 working days unacceptable. Regardless of how rudely this guy went about telling you, you are slacking and you need to step it up.
Anonymous
Why are you doing this stuff if you aren’t an admin? I’m so confused about how this fell on you. It’s all sort of squicky.
Seventh Sister
I don’t work in this field, but the amount of administrative work I get to delegate is really, really small, and it’s been pretty darn small since I started my first “real” job in 2001. I do most of my own administrative tasks and so do the other professionals in my office. It’s inefficient but I don’t run funding for my org.
Anon
Don’t respond to the email. Going forward if you can’t remain the notes to the group by Tuesday, email the group to tell them when to expect the notes. If this happens a lot talk to your boss about your workload and priorities.
Anon
Not advice but here’s what I would do – Apologize, be on time with notes moving forward, and the first time my colleague was late on *anything* I’d send a similar email with as many people cc’ed as I reasonably can. lol
Seventh Sister
Gen X advice-giver – pick up the phone and give the person a call. Explain just what you said here, but do it in a pretty neutral-to-light tone of voice. Some people who are really quite reasonable face-to-face or on the phone don’t come across very well in email (they think that their tone translates fine even if it’s very very harsh). Also if the person is a jerk, calmly confronting them can put you on better footing with the jerk because they realize they can’t push you around.
If you feel you must email a response, do it AFTER the phone call and do it in a very brief way (thanks for talking, I’ll be more prompt in the future, I appreciate you).
FWIW, when I get an email that seems harsh, sometimes I try and read it in my head, imagining that the person who sent it is reading the email with a smile on their face. Sometimes that works.
Blueberries
I really like Seventh Sister’s advice. I always means to be kind, but I’ve sent emails that haven’t been received as I planned and I would appreciate a call to smooth things out.
Small Law Partner
I like this advice as well (another Gen X-er). Even though I would 100% send the email worded that same way, I wouldn’t really be angry or that upset – more factual that this needs to get done and it is an annoyance.
Seventh Sister
Thanks, all. And I *hate* talking on the phone unless it’s a friend or my mom, I usually have to schedule phone calls in my planner or bribe myself to do it, but I’m almost always glad I called. Also it gets easier the more you talk on the phone.
Anonymous
I haven’t read all the responses, so this may be repetitive. I would focus on how to get the notes done more efficiently. If you have an agenda, use that to create a notes template. Print it out with space under each agenda item and take it to the meeting to take your notes. Consider whether your notes are too detailed. What are the notes for? To document decisions, to dos, something else? If you haven’t focused on the reason for the notes, spend some time and see if you can simplify and streamline the output. Make it as easy as possible for you to get these notes out the same day or the next. Schedule time in your calendar to get this done.
Others may be relying on you for their to-dos so they need the notes quickly after the meeting. Rightly or not, this is your responsibility.
Anonymous
Blazer is completely sold out in every size. Why post it?
RR
It’s in my cart at J.Crew, so it’s not sold out in every size.
Anon
Any recommendations on a lip moisturizer? Every year my lips get so dry and peel constantly. I don’t think I lick my lips excessively, and I’ve tried lathering them with aquaphor, vaseline, carmex, etc at nights and it never seems to help. What else can I try?
Anonymous
Green tube of Blistex is my savior. All the rest are horrible (Carmex, aquaphor, but tabbees, chapstick).
NY CPA
Following with interest!! I’ve tried the neosporin lip stuff, Nivea, eos, aquaphor, and many others, and I just can’t get one to work! I still end up with cracked / bleeding lips :(
Anon
I love Dr. Lipp.
Monday
Do you exfoliate your lips? That may help. Any lip scrub is fine, or in a pinch you can use your toothbrush.
When I was having crazy eczema on my lips, for some reason Bite Beauty Agave lip balm helped when nothing else did.
Skipper
I’ve had this problem because of allergies to ingredients. You might want to look closely at the ingredients and take it from there. I use a locally made product that’s fragrance-free and mostly beeswax and jojoba oil.
Gigi
Laneige Lip Sleeping Mask from Sephora – I just use as balm.
lsw
This stuff was life-changing.
H13
It’s the best. I use it only at night and use CeraVe Healing Ointment on my lips during the day.
Anon
Nipple cream works pretty well for lips.
nona
Humidifier at home? That’s basically my solution to most winter dryness issues – static, excessive dry hands/skin (I still have to use lotion). It isn’t a magic bullet, but might help make other solutions work a bit better, since they don’t have to work so hard.
Anonymous
I have super dry peely lips and buy pretty much every lip product out there. Agree with suggestion for humidifier at home (and work if you can swing it) + drinking water. I like the Laneige lip mask in the squeezable tubes for day time. Also Dr. Dan’s chapstick, which was made for Accutane patients and has some hydrocortisone is wonderful for heeling lips. At night, Aritum Ginger Lip Mask (doesn’t actually taste or smell like ginger at all IMO) is the best- put it over another moisturizing product and it WILL. NOT. BUDGE. It’s like cement.
anon
Lanolips. I put it on and my lips are still smooth 12 hours later. It’s amazing.
Anonymous
Blistex serum
Anon
I agree with other posters that you may need a product with lanolin in it. I also love Badger Creamy Cocoa Butter lip balm. I get it at Whole Foods.
EM84
One thing that helped me is to apply La Roche Posay Cica lip balm as a base layer (it has creamy texture), let it set, then add a layer of Burt’s Bees Lipbalm. My theory is that the Cica balm is humectant and emollient, sealed with occlusive waxy BB balm. I reapply the combo in the afternoon and before I go to bed.
anon
Malin+Goetz has a lip moisturizer that feels more like lotion for my lips than just slathering Vaseline on my lips.
Anonymous
My husband is an only child. His parents live 2,000 miles away and never travel to us on/around Christmas. They are in AZ and we are in NY and they (a) don’t like crowds and (b) don’t like snow (fair enough). Every year, they mail our family (DH and I have 3 young kids) 8247593743 presents, cookies, etc for Christmas. They are wealthy and need nothing.
I used to be the Designated Gift Getter in our household and it stressed me the heck out. Around the time our first kid was born, I told DH he was in charge of gifts for his parents and his now 94 y/o grandmother (also lives in AZ in assisted living). Every year, he has either dropped the ball completely, or just….made do. Some years, we came up with a quick fix: the kids brought home some art project that we wrapped up and sent down. Some years, they got some stupid thing off amazon that arrived two days late. I have recently made it VERY CLEAR to his parents that DH is in charge of these gifts. I have LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE BUT MYSELF to shop for, and DH has THREE people plus me.
And yet, I still get sort of passive texts/emails/comments (we were there at Thanksgiving) about Christmas. They don’t want anything. They don’t need anything. They are hard to shop for. They raised DH and know full well he’s pretty bad at stuff like this (I always get great gifts because he goes to Nordstrom the weekend before Christmas and “asks the ladies what my wife would like.” “The ladies” always have good taste, esp when they know DH has a pretty flexible budget ;)) But he can’t do that when gifts have to be ordered/ shipped to arrive for Christmas.
So—is this my problem? Do I continue to ignore how his family gets nothing/crap gifts? I got a text this AM that had me thinking “well, maybe I could get the kids crafting some ornaments this weekend we could send down along with some Christmas cookies…” and “oh well LL Bean has pajamas on sale, I bet they’d all like a pair.” And then I stopped myself because I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO COORDINATE ORNAMENT MAKING. Maybe I suggest that DH run that project this weekend while I do one of my other thousand holiday related chores?
I do feel badly that they end up with basically nothing, but I’m not sure if I feel bad enough to do anything other than remind them that it is Husband’s Job to figure it all out.
emeralds
This lady on the internet officially supports you in continuing to make your husband’s parents your husband’s problem.
(Full disclosure, I am the person in my relationship who is bad at gifts.)
Senior Attorney
This internet lady concurs.
not a gift giver or receiver
this potty mouth says: fuck em
why do grown grandparents and a 94 year old lady need stuff? it is literally the era in psychological growth when people are giving things away…
Senior Attorney
And yes, there’s that. My 93 yo dad is getting a holiday-themed floral delivery and that’s it.
Cb
I think you have to let him drop the ball on this. I’ve delegated this to my husband – I’ll occasionally mention an idea and if he asks for advice, I’ll give it but its driven by him.
Anonymous
+1M let him drop the ball or you will own this task 4ever
Anon
Yup.
Anon
It’s not your problem at all. Tell him that you’re frustrated with the result, though.
Vicky Austin
This is not your problem. If you absolutely must do something to get the ILs off your back, can the task be moved? If DH shops during the other 10 months of the year, all he has to do come holidays is ship them. Maybe that would be easier to remember? (Bar on the floor, I know.)
anon
I feel you completely, as this describes how my DH handles gifts, too, and it makes me so angry. I go back and forth between letting him fail (which is actually unfair to my ILs) and stepping in to intervene. I do not know what the solution is.
Anon
I understand the desire to want him to take over 100% of this, but I think you need to be comfortable with him taking over, say, 85% of this. He might need to be taught to get gifts, but that’s not the same as doing all the work every single year.
Give him a list of possible ideas (stores and/or gifts) for his parents. This could be anything from “Go to Nordstrom the first weekend in December and ask the ladies there what his parents would like” to “Here’s a list of places that deliver fancy chocolates and wines” or “Here’s where you can get them tickets to the symphony or an annual membership at the art museum.” In fact, all of the above might be good. Email it to him so he can keep it and reference it every year. Note approximate ordering deadlines on it, or better yet, tell him that he has until the first weekend in December to get something ordered.
Then every year around Thanksgiving, remind him that his deadline is the first weekend in December and remind him that he has that nice list he can reference. The presents might not be the greatest/most thoughtful ones out there, but if every year, a box of Teuscher shows up along with an annual membership at the museum, this will be much less of an issue.
Anonymous
This is making it OP’s job. If she’s doing all of this work, she might as well just assume the task. Just let him fail. They don’t even need the gifts. They need for their son to give a d*mn.
If you want to do them a mitzvah, let the kiddos right nice fancy thank you notes to express their gratitude for the thousands of gifts from their grandparents. Maybe throw in some artwork.
Anon
+1 Hand holding and managing someone through this task is what you would do with a child. OP’s husband is an adult who knows how to buy and ship things.
Anon
Nooo don’t do this. He’s an adult and this is his family, she should not have to project manage him. And honestly, all the tasks you listed sound like more work than just buying gifts herself, plus she gets no credit with her in-laws for managing behind the scenes.
Anon
Anon at 9:58 here. In an ideal world, he would know how to give good gifts himself. But we don’t live in that world, and he doesn’t. So you can let him fail every single year, and it will become a bone of contention between him and his family. Or you could understand that no one is perfect, and that he (sadly) needs to be walked through how to do this.
It’s an hour of her time ONCE. Sit down with him, make a list of things they would like or places to shop, email it to him, and tell him his deadline is the first weekend in December, and it’s up to him to choose appropriate things off that list every year.
Yeah, it would be wonderful if all adults did all adult tasks without help, but that’s not reality. Teach him once and then it’s officially his problem.
Anonymous
No — this cannot be true. Does the man have a job? A credit score in the triple digits? Then he can handle this. If he isn’t handling it, it is a matter of choice vs training. I honestly doubt that he needs to have an hour of anyone’s time invested in training him.
Anon
If he’s this incapable of doing it, it’s because he’s making a choice to not do it/not do it well. He’s not a toddler who is eager to learn but is just lacking knowledge or skills. I’m very much “teach a person to fish” when it comes to kids who want to become more independent and need some coaching from their parents to get there. But he’s a grown-a$$ man and he’s making an active choice to do a terrible job on gifts for his family because presumably he just does not care that much. It’s going to take a lot more than hour of her time to fix that problem.
Anonymous
OP here. This is correct. He is perfectly capable. He just doesn’t care enough about his parents/grandmother receiving good gifts on time to make it happen.
I know because he cares very much that I receive good gifts on time, and when he is part of some complicated Man Santa project he goes all out.
This is a Him problem, for sure, but I just feel badly because…he’s the only child so it’s not like he has some sibling picking up the slack. But also…I don’t have time for this. And lest you think I’m a sucker–I handed this off years ago. I’m just thinking about if it’s worth just taking it back to make THEM happy. I’m 50/50 on it all.
Senior Attorney
No, no, no.
The way the world’s imperfection needs to manifest itself in this situation is that Hubby’s family doesn’t get nice gifts, not that OP has to do Hubby’s work.
Anonymous
If “gifts of stuff” isn’t his love language of giving, what is? Maybe he is doing something else for the parents / grandmother? Or if they are “gifts of stuff” receivers who are complaining to you, pass that along to DH to see if he doesn’t come around to their feelings re gifts > his wanting to give in a certain way.
FINALLY, your kids can make their own gifts of art, etc. to parents/grandparents. You can made help them with the envelope addressing, but let the rest be on them.
Ultimately: everyone else’s job; can’t be your job unless someone makes you an offer you don’t want to refuse.
Anon
This would take so much time, literally planning out the gifts, steps, deadlines, stores? She might as well do it herself it’d save time. No OP, this is not your problem, do not let him hoist this onto you. He’s feigning incompetence. If he can hold a job that helps feed your family, he can calendar in to get a gift. It doesn’t have to be an amazing gift, it just has to be decent. Let him take the fall for the lack of gifts.
Anon
I would definitely not do any of this.
Anonymous
OP here. If I’m going to do this work just to have him get credit, I would just buy them the damn presents! :)
Anon
Absolutely. Doing this would take more time than just doing it yourself. Better to do it yourself and get the credit! Or, do nothing. Either is fine!
Carrots
I don’t have a SO, so take this with a grain of salt, but every time they say something about it, I would just keep repeating ad nauseam when they make a comment like this that gift giving delegations fall along family lines, so this is something they should bring up with husband.
MagicUnicorn
+1
It seems like the issue is more that the in-laws complain to the OP about the lack of presents, as though she is the one who dropped the ball, rather than the actual lack of presents.
anon
He doesn’t want to do it….why are you continuing to make this an issue? Can’t you stop the nonsense by ordering a tasteful consumable gift on line and have it sent directly to their house…coffee/tea, wine, chocolates, fruit, flowers, cheese, spices…there’s a service for all of these.
Anon
SHE is not making this an issue, he is. Why does he get to opt out of dealing with gifts for his parents but if she refuses to do it for him, it’s “nonsense” and she needs to order something?
Anon
Grow up. When something becomes a point of contention year over year with your spouse and you feel compelled to write about it in a blog, you might want to ask yourself if it’s worth it….if you’re good at it and can complete the task in 1 hour, just get it done and stop allowing it to be an issue. Unless you like to have a seasonal bone to pick with your hubs?
Anonymous
OP here– actually, it’s not at all a point of contention with my spouse. He knows he’s in charge. He knows he sorta sucks at it. He has done nothing to fix it. When he has messed up, I make sure he is the one to answer his mom’s phone call on Christmas morning so he can explain that the gifts are…en route. From amazon. Overnighted but too late to arrive on Christmas morning.
I simply know that they get the short end of the gift giving/Christmas spirit from our family bc I don’t do the gift giving. Nor do I have time.
The original Scarlett
So while I 100% get that it’s reasonable to make it your husbands thing, I’d suggest just doing it since you’re good at it and trading the task for something else you hate that your husband can do. We do division of labor this way (we each handle categories according to ease and least-hate for the task) and it comes out pretty equal. Personally, I’d hate dealing with the passive aggressive in-law comments and I’d just take it on for my own peace of mind in your shoes. I’d also go with easy, luxury gifts for them – I like your pajamas for everyone idea – so it’s checked off and done.
anon
This. 100%…..just do it and get it over with…..and let him do something you hate
Anon
I would do this too. Just take this task on, your husband can take on something else that you don’t like to do, and then you save yourself the mental energy of dealing with his laziness every year. My husband and I have very different strengths and it’s an exercise in frustration to try to go against that. I’m happy to leave certain tasks to him, even if they’re more related to something I need, and take on certain tasks of his that I’m naturally better at. Honestly, we have a very harmonious marriage and this is part of the reason why.
Anon
I would normally agree, but as someone with passive aggressive in laws who are hard to buy for (and a spouse who’s
bad at gifts), it’s very worth it to let it be spouse’s problem and drama to deal with. I will buy the gifts for him, my whole family, kids on his side of the family, gift exchanges, et cetera, but I’m not touching his parents or grandparents with a 10 foot pole.
OP, if you want to take over and swap him for a different task that you hate, go for it. It’s a workable solution. But you are absolutely justified to not want to deal with the family drama and labor of buying gifts for three of his adult relatives. I am great at buying gifts, but the associated drama takes the task to a whole new level. My spouse can buy gifts, forget gifts, write a card, whatever, but I fully expect him to own that it’s his responsibility and I would expect him to actively intervene and take any crap they attempt to dish at me about it.
Anonymous
Honestly, this is still OP trying to fix DH’s problem. He needs to own the failure. Part of owning the failure can be bargaining to trade off something you hate for something he does poorly, but he has to propose it (why? I think that tends to get him to really commit to following through on the new task and thinking of you and your needs / wants and his family. without it, I think you are trying to be a back-seat driver here and it won’t end with a result that makes anyone happy).
Cat
Yeah, I agree with this. I might spend an hour looking at different gift options for my MIL and FIL online… but my husband just quietly handles all the random car cr@p (renewing insurance, parking, inspection, etc) whenever it comes up, etc.
Our split of responsibilities might not be “even” but we both think it’s fair.
Senior Attorney
This is a decent idea, with the following modification: Figure out something you can make a “tradition” and send that exact same darned thing every year. For example, my mom’s birthday was Dec 22 so I sent a Christmas-themed floral arrangement every year. It took about 5 minutes and then I was done.
So send the in-laws Harry and David or flowers or a beautiful wall calendar and have done with it, and extract some significant concession from DH in exchange.
If you must. But I still say “let him fail.”
Anon
I totally disagree. It stresses her out, she doesn’t want to do it, and they’re not her parents. Mr. Manbaby can take on getting three presents.
This “but you’re better at it” BS is how women get stuck with all the household and emotional labor. It needs to stop.
Anonymous
Solidarity. The first two years I put DH back in charge of his mom’s birthday, he totally forgot. Last year he was late on the only thing she asked for which was a calendar with pictures.
Keep letting it be his job. To assuage myself on the guilt re: Christmas gifting, I keep a roll of stamps in my purse and regularly pop kid artwork in the mail throughout the year. I don’t have the kids make anything particular or special, I just save stuff when I’m cleaning up their projects, and put in in my purse instead of tossing it, stick in an envelope at the office and toss it in a mailbox when I see one. The random kid artwork throughout the year is appreciated.
Anonymous
OP here- I do this too. We have tons of stupid art work so i mail it out to all the grands and great grandma. I also do a photo postcard every month or so. I do plenty. My inlaws are annoyingly hard to shop for.
I may consider sending some kind of christmas arrangement- I like that idea. It won’t replace “the gift to open” but can be my contribution to the christmas spirit, and can serve as something to look at when DH orders his mom something stupid, in the wrong size, a week late ;).
Anon
Okay, serious question: Did men like this not give gifts to their parents before they got married? If that’s the case, then the parents should be used to it so who tf cares if they don’t get gifts once they are married?
Anonymous
His parents are being rude if they’re pressuring you for gifts, and this is his task. Full stop.
anon
+100 Buying gifts for his family is not your job.
DH and I are both terrible at gifts and and don’t like the custom at all. I’ve stopped caring if our gifts are “good enough”. If people aren’t open about something they want, they aren’t getting it.
anon
My husband is not great at buying gifts. I’ve varied my approach for gifts for his family over the years. Some years, I’ve just taken over the task and bought something for his family members. Some years, I’ve delegated 100% to him. Some years, we’ve made things together (when we had more time than money). Some years, we’ve shopped together.
In my opinion, they’re all reasonable approaches. But I’ve been least happy when I’ve delegated 100% to DH. It’s never “good enough” for me–he chooses a “dumb” gift (but really, what is he thinking?), or it arrives late, or he gives something completely generic and not thoughtful to someone we see at least once a week. But his family raised him and knows he gives dumb gifts and struggles to complete things on time, and they love him. The gift not being “good enough” is about me, not him or them.
If I were in your shoes, I’d make a plan with my husband to walk into Nordstrom and buy his family gifts with assistance from the salespeople, or tell him about your pajama idea and then just order them. Don’t set up an ornament making activity if you don’t have time for that, but mail any holiday themed crafts that your kids bring home from daycare/school. That’s not to say there’s anything wrong with just letting your husband do a mediocre job. The only problem with that is that you’re unhappy and resentful. If you can find a way to let it go, then it’s fine.
Anonymous
I’m super curious what these texts are that you’re getting. Are your in-laws asking you where their present is?? I can’t even imagine!
Anonymous
This morning it was during a text exchange about what the kids wanted for christmas/what she got them. she said something like “in case you need ideas____________” and gave me some ideas. It wasn’t rude, it was part of a text back and forth about what I, the kids, and DH would like. But she didn’t text DH with this info, she texted me. I just said “good to know- I will make sure to pass along to DH since he’s in charge of gifts!”
Anon
I think that’s a good response. Then tell him about the text (maybe in an email, so he has all the gift info in writing) and be done with it.
Skipper
I think this is literally why Harry & David is in business. Or your friendly neighborhood florist. I am all about the fruit and flowers with a short, sweet letter recalling your pleasant memories with them this year, your gratitude for them, whatever, sent separately. Or drawings and notes from your kids are good too. It’s low energy, high utility, and the letter on actual paper ticks the thoughtfulness box without requiring an afternoon at Neimans.
Anon
This is so well stated. Very classy.
Senior Attorney
Haha jinx!!
blueberry
+1
why on earth wouldn’t you just pick the first big beautiful gift basket you see on Harry and David’s just to be done with it? That would take me literally less than 5 minutes, probably less than 2 minutes even with manually entering addresses and my credit card number. It’d take less time than writing this post!
Anon
It is not your problem. Do not step in and do any aspect of this for him if you don’t want it to permanently become your responsibility.
I told DH early in our marriage, after some pointed hints from his mother and aunt about what they wanted for Christmas, that shopping for his family was his responsibility and shopping for my family was my responsibility. He does a pretty poor job most years of taking care of his responsibility and my in-laws think I am a terrible wife for not “helping him with the gifts,” and I don’t care. I shop for my parents, our kid, our friends, our housekeeper, our kid’s teachers, and anyone else that needs a gift. He has to take care of his mom and his aunt and uncle. That’s it. For someone who runs his own department at work and works with multimillion-dollar contracts, I don’t think getting on Harry and David’s website and sending a couple of fruit baskets before the deadline for regular delivery is too tall an order. This whole “women are responsible for buying all the gifts” thing is that ridiculous “emotional labor” stuff and I’m not doing it. I have enough to do, thanks so much, in-laws.
Anonymous
I’m the OP and this sums it up exactly. My DH and I have equal roles at work. he oversees 40+ people and multimillion dollar contracts. He used to be a project manager back in the day. He can get stuff done if it’s important to him, and this is not.
I think the crux of it is that his parents are kind, generous people. Sending them a gift basket would check the box, but feels so impersonal. IMO, may as well send nothing. (note: sent IN ADDITION to a gift is actually really nice, and impersonal is fine for anyone not your parents). I didn’t care at all when it was just me and DH, but now it feels like the whole family (inc the kids) sends nothing–not just DH.
anon
*slow clap*
Our MILs might’ve put up with this sh!t from their husbands, but we don’t (and shouldn’t) have to.
Anonymous
My husband sucks at this as well. I suck at vendor tips so he does them and I shop for his family. My MIL says he’s «so thoughtful » when it comes to gifts.
busybee
Any recommendations for facial redness reducers? Willing to spend $$$ for a product that works! It’s mostly on my chin and probably hormonal but since I’m going through fertility treatments, that’s not going to ease up any time soon. Thank you!
mascot
I liked the Clinique Redness Relief moisturizing cream. It’s soothing and pretty easy to find.
pugsnbourbon
I use the aveeno body wash for sensitive skin on my face and it definitely reduces redness .
KW
No, but following closely. Relatedly, do we know why our faces are red? It’s not bad enough to be rosacea (I don’t think) but can’t for the life of me figure out why my cheeks are red. I don’t really get breakouts and the texture of my face is smooth, other than normal age-related fine lines and wrinkles, but I have somewhat sensitive skin (and also allergic to aloe vera, go figure).
Anon
I feel like you need to figure out why your face is red. Is it rosacea? Is it dryness? Is it irrigation? Try a gentle cleanser and layers of an emollient, gentle, fragrance free moisturizer and nothing else for a few days and see what happens.
If it’s dryness, which could easily be seasonal, put aquaphor over your moisturizer at night.
Anon
*irritation haha
anon
Dr. Jart tiger grass color correcting treatment
Anon
I recently bought a Barbour vest (the Chester gilet, if it matters) and have noticed that on the bottom back hem, the silky inner lining puffs out a bit so it’s visible from the outside when I’m wearing the vest. It’s not a huge, dramatic poof or anything, but it’s kind of annoying and I feel like it shouldn’t be happening at that price point. Has anyone else experienced this and is it worth tailoring or should I just return and look for a different style? The same vest in the same color is no longer available at Nordstrom and I’d be hesitant to exchange it if it’s just a flaw of the style. Are there any other Barbour styles you love that haven’t had this issue?
Anon
From your description, it sounds like there’s one of two problems: a) there’s just a bit too much lining, and a tailor could easily snip and tighten what’s there or b) the vest is too tight elsewhere and is pulling, making the lining show.
Anon
Can’t you just tack a few stitches in it somewhere in the back to prevent that from happening? Seems like a very easy fix.
Anon
Can you just stitch the lining like that without piercing through the body? Obviously not a sewer here…
Anon
You could sew it to itself or to the inside hem on the bottom?
MagicUnicorn
Yes, it would be relatively easy to make an indistinguishable little tuck in the lining without going through the outer material. But the suggestion to check that the fit isn’t too snug in some other way is good to start with before taking in the lining.
puzzled
I have been thinking about money and would love advice from the group about what to do with it. I am a 2 years in as a biglaw associate that does not want to be partner, so this influx of cash feels very temporary. In the end, the salary feels like so much money in the short-term but so little money in the long term (thinking of the post a few days ago where the group thought 8 million was not enough to retire on…)
Situation: I paid off my loans. I have 10% of my income going to retirement (until it hits the 19,000 limit) and 10% going into vanguard with whatever has the lowest fees – those index funds that match the market. I have about 20,000 in a savings account making 1% interest (so I should move some of this, I figure). But I’m thinking with the bonus that I’m about to get and my salary increasing, I should put more money away. But where? More mutual funds? More retirement? Something that I haven’t thought of yet? Any advice appreciated.
Anonymous
Put all your money into retirement until you can put away no more (401k max, IRA max). Then put it into a mutual fund earmarked for retirement.
Worst case, you have a high income forever and you have the option to retire early.
Retirement, retirement, retirement.
–planning to retire at 55 but would like to retire earlier if possible; have been socking money away since I turned 22
Anon
What do you plan to do when you’re 55? Sorry, that sounds aggressive but I’m actually just genuinely curious! And do you have different plans for retirement now than when you were 22? Early retirement is definitely not for me, mostly because I don’t have the money for it, but also I don’t know what I would do with myself!
Anon
It doesn’t sound like you’re eligible to fund a Roth IRA, but look up “back door Roth” and set yourself up so you can fund that over the next few years.
Beyond that, having a fat taxable brokerage account isn’t a bad thing.
puzzled
I guess not. It seems so risky to me… but maybe I need to get over that part.
puzzled
oh and i will look up the “back door Roth” idea! Thanks!
Anon
It’s only as risky as what you invest in. If you’re somewhat risk averse, up the ratio of bonds to stocks. Since it sounds like you’re young and have a fully funded emergency fund, you can handle a bit more risk and for the sake of simplicity, if it were me, I’d just dump it in VTSAX and call it a day.
Anon
It’s ok to ignore anyone who thinks $8 million is not enough to retire with – anxiety gets the best of some people for sure and you shouldn’t take that to heart. Do you have any shorter term goals, like buying property?
puzzled
Yes, that could be a goal. But I don’t want to buy property and then drastically change my income such that I can’t afford it anymore. (I’m thinking like a government or non-profit job, but honestly don’t really know what I want to do.)
Anon
I was in biglaw for a while, when knowing that I wanted to leave for government. What I and most of my friends with a similar goal decided to do was pay off our student loans and then save for a house purchase. We either purchased a cheaper place that we could afford on our anticipated government or non-profit salary or saved a lot so that we could put a higher percentage down and have a monthly payment we could afford on a government or non-profit salary. You will never be in a position to save like this again, take advantage of it.
anon
Unless I missed a different post, the post about the $8 million was that it wasn’t enough for 2 adults with 4 young children to retire decades early on AND maintain the lifestyle they’re likely accustomed to. I doubt anyone would argue that $8 million isn’t enough for 2 65-year-old adults to retire on. (But, yeah, the pre-tax HHI for my family of 3 is unlikely to be even $5 million in today’s dollars before I turn 65.)
puzzled
This is true, I would be interested in having kids, etc. someday as well, so it was perhaps more applicable to my situation than it might be to others.
Vicky Austin
I also get a lot of mileage (and a lot of compliments) out of my pink blazer! Now to find some pink shoes…
Senior Attorney
I get a million compliments on my pink Kate Spade pumps with the rainbow heels. Have had them for years and will cry salty tears when they finally bite the dust!
Celia
Talbots has some pink velvet booties. Not exactly rain-friendly, but you could look there.
anon
I have a team of coffee drinkers and our office coffee is terrible. We also are in a food desert with no coffee shop within walking distance. I’m strongly considering buying a Keurig for the four of us to share. Thoughts on sharing an office Keurig? And if so, which one should I get? I really hate the potential environmental impact but have to admit that it would solve a problem here.
Anon
Please don’t get a keurig.
Every one of those tiny plastic cups will exist for thousands of years so that you can have coffee that isn’t even particularly good. What’s wrong with your current situation? Can you clean the pot and get better beans? Does everyone actually have a problem with it?
My office doesn’t have a coffee maker at all, so I just make extra in the morning and bring it in a thermos.
Anon
Amen.
Abby
Don’t do it! Spend the money on better ground coffee! I get coffee beans & ground coffee from Costco – Kirkland brand is the best price I’ve found and it’s pretty good.
Anon
Get a regular old coffee pot, not a Keurig. Keurigs are unbelievably wasteful and the excessive plastic packaging can’t be good for your health when the hot water comes into contact with it.
Anonymous
If you have a regular coffee pot, I highly recommend amazon prime for Whole Foods brand coffee. My office has recently started doing this (our Keurig is supposed to be for guests, not staff). A large bag is $10.99, is delivered in 2 days with free shipping, and with only 4 coffee drinkers, it should last longer than a comparable box of K-cups. Pleasant Morning Buzz has been a favorite in my office, though I’ve heard the Vienna Roast is also pleasant.
anon
Thanks for the rec!
Anonymous
Keurig coffee tastes terrible (in addition to the environmental impact). +1 to getting a regular old coffee pot and better coffee beans.
Anon.
Get a fancy coffee maker like a JURA. way better coffee and environmentally friendly.
anon
Even for fancy Jura machines, I’ve seen how terrible beans make terrible coffee. It’s all in the beans.
Anonymous
How about a pour-over setup? Electric kettle + cone + filters.
Anon
Nespresso capsules are recyclable, the coffee is great, and the machines aren’t very expensive. Just a thought.
Never too many shoes...
If you want to go that route, get a Nespresso. Far, far better coffee and the pods are recyclable.
For four of you though, I vote a good coffee maker with a burr grinder and some good quality coffee.
Go for it
Please, get a French press. No plastic, no filters. Easy to make a single cup at a time.
Anon
Yup, this. And better coffee, too, if you get halfway decent beans.
Annony
Get a Keurig, but use the stainless steel K-cup, unbleached filters. People can use whatever coffee they want – no pot to clean, easy to use, no plastic.
Senior Attorney
If you are all really serious about coffee, consider a DeLonghi Magnifica. No pods, it grinds the beans for each cup at a time, and is easy to maintain. The bad part is it’s wicked expensive but it’s the bomb. (Also they have used ones on eBay.)
We have this one and it’s on a good sale today: https://www.delonghi.com/en-us/products/coffee-and-espresso/coffee-makers/automatic-coffee-makers/magnifica-esam-3300-0132213148?npclid=Cj0KCQiAz53vBRCpARIsAPPsz8UqQiNZ4po70ICrvLhi4usCpjQNPgv22bVIthF-JI_aoojNSSKP-bIaAhuGEALw_wcB&utm_source=GOOGLE&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Shopping%20-%20US
anon
Ooh. Tell me more about this. Does it make regular coffee, too (for guests)? Thanks!
MagicUnicorn
Another vote against the Keurig for both the massive plastic waste it creates and for how awful the product tastes (even if you try going the refillable k-cup route). Get a regular coffee pot, a pour over setup, an aeropress, a french press, anything else.
Anony
Apparently, I’m the oddball here but I share an office Keurig with about 10 other coffee drinkers. We had the same one for 5 years that the old boss bought and we just replaced it (it died) last week – which actually worked out because the bare-bones Keurig Classic was on sale at Target for $59.99, normally $119.99. Four of us pitched in to buy the new one. I order coffee from Staples company contract (via work office supply budget) or Amazon/local grocery store if I find a great deal (less than $0.50/cup). I collect $0.50/k-cup and it goes into the slush fund to buy more coffee, bottled water (tap water is undrinkable in the office), whatever random other expenses come up that no one wants to pay for.
On a side note, I can’t imagine having a drip coffee maker in my office. It would be H3LL on earth. People barely turn off lights; I thank god every day that the Keurig has an auto-off feature. I’m also fairly certain that people would stop drinking coffee if they had to brew it at work or it would be a giant mess/I’d be expected to clean it up since the drip coffee maker was my idea and also brew it/etc. Nope, just nope. You can peel the lids off k-cups, dump out the coffee, and recycle the pod and lid.
anon
This is exactly what I’m worried about — that if I bring it in as a nice gesture, it will become my job to clean up the filters, grounds, etc. No thanks.
Anonymous
I need to provide dinner to a group of 10-15 people next week during a board meeting. What should I bring?? Pizza seems to be a common theme so I’d like to avoid that if possible. I have access to most major restaurant chains and a Trader Joe’s. There is at least one vegetarian in the group.
anon
What kind of Board meeting?…..what does your firm usually do for dinner during a board meeting? Pizza won’t do….will soups, salads and sandwiches from Panera work? Or is that too lunch? For a board meeting, I think hot catered foods would be best….
FP
Depending on your budget, you could do a soup and sandwich spread from a place like Panera Bread – I find their food meh overall but their catering is usually great, in that they remember every last thing you need.
hi hi hi
Poke bowls are always a hit here.
Never too many shoes...
Taco bar!
Anon.
+1 – Chipotle, Qdoba, Pancheros – whatever your preferred/local burrito place is.
ElisaR
q’doba does an awesome catering job for tacos…. always a big hit
pugsnbourbon
I have, surprisingly, gotten rave reviews any time I’ve done a baked potato bar. It tends to be one of the cheaper catering options.
Senior Attorney
El Pollo Loco also does catering and it’s really good.
anon
I feel ridiculous for admitting this, but my holiday anxiety is sort of spiking this week. There’s just a lot to be done and I feel like I’m already running out of bandwidth. In the spirit of trying to let ourselves off the hook a bit, what have you decided to NOT do this month?
– I have three potluck events in the next week. Even though I actually enjoy cooking and baking, this is a stretch and too much on top of needing to fix meals for my actual family. I’m gonna go storebought for at least one of those events.
– I usually skip community-oriented holiday events with my kids. There are some awesome events out there, but they also end up being exhausting, in addition to fun, which leaves less bandwidth for our own holiday traditions.
– I usually hand-address all my Christmas cards, but this year I may not get it done unless I print the labels.
I kiiiinda wish I could skip the tree this year? I won’t, but our house is already festively decorated (because I love doing it) and it’s such a hassle.
Anon
I have never once looked at the holiday cards I receive to see if they are hand addressed or not. I just rip them open to look at the cute pics. Let this go forever, please.
Andrea
hand-address? No. You’re not doing that. Print the labels. Better yet – don’t send Christmas cards.
Anon
Aww, I love getting Christmas cards. I think that’s a worthwhile tradition to keep if you can.
Anon
I love Christmas cards that are handwritten and have some thought. If they are a photo card with a pre-printed Happy Holidays, then I’m at best indifferent. All it shows is that you are capable of uploading an address to a third company, not that you were thinking about me.
Anon
Anon at 2:04, we’ve heard this perspective on here before and it’s so needlessly negative. Someone made an effort. They sent you a card. Throw it away if you’re so offended but don’t snark that they should have done more. That’s so entitled.
Anon
The point is more that if all the time you have is to pick pictures and outsource all the work with no personal touch, save that time to do something more meaningful for you because people are going to be indifferent to the cards. Don’t kill yourself to do something no one will care about, when we all have better things to do with our time.
Anonymous
+1 – that is a massive waste of time that no one is appreciating.
The key is saying no to anything that won’t enhance your enjoyment of the season (or your family’s). What is important to you? What will you be glad you did in 5 years? Do that.
Anonymous
PS – I personally do New Year’s cards so I can work on them over Christmas break. My aunt and uncle do Valentines instead. Everyone loves getting a valentine, and they can work on them when life is less busy.
Anon
It is perfectly ok to print addresses – there’s no obligation to do it by hand! Even better – choose a company next year that will address, stamp, and mail your cards for you!
anon
Whoa, way too much going on here……if you must go to 3 potlucks, then it is storebought (good bakery or specialty cheese store or Wegmans) is fine for all 3. Skip the community events and lose the Christmas cards…..you need to do the tree, but keep it simple.
nona
There have been years where my mom put up the tree and only put lights on. No other decorations. Maybe give the kids a subset of the ornaments and just let them decorate the rest. Or give them construction paper and do a wall tree (2 dimensional). or do an outline in garland, depending what feels like actually less work work on the tree front.
Anon
Target has mini trees (12-18″) and mini ornament sets for under $10. You could skip the big tree and give your kids each their own mini tree and decorations. I’m sure they would be delighted and have lots of fun decorating and re-decorating their trees all month.
For the potlucks, I would either go storebought or batch and bring the same thing to all of them (it takes just as long to make 3 pans of box brownies as it does to make 1).
I don’t send Christmas cards. If I wanted to do them, I would probably go with an e-card (cheap, customizable, less waste, less work). If you need the permission of an internet stranger, then let me tell you that you are allowed to skip the hand addressing of cards.
Anonymous
Agreed with the others. Go storebought for 2-3 events. Either drop the cards entirely (I imagine your pics are on FB already, or you can post them there?) or print out labels. Geez. No wonder Americans are going crazy from stress.
Anon
That’s quite the generalization. Leaving aside that we don’t even know if OP is American, hand addressing Christmas cards is clearly not a thing everyone is doing and cutting out optional holiday activities will have no effect on the serious stressors that are part of American life.
Anonymous
It’s hardy a unique perspective. The holidays are one of the most difficult times of the year for many people. Why are we all killing ourselves? Is rushing from one event to another and burning the candle to hand-address cards really the holiday spirit many of us are trying for?
Anonymous
I used to hand-address Christmas cards. And then Minted came into my life. There are beautiful options for printing addresses on the envelopes so it’s not the tacky label. And it’s free with the service! You can also add on return address and stamps if you so desire.
Cat
+1 — the free recipient addressing from Minted is actually coordinated with the style of card you choose. They look great!
Grinch with a big, smug smile
I am not: decorating a tree, decorating my house in any way, sending any cards, baking anything, buying any presents. I used to do all those things things, and one year DH and I decided it was too much and took a fun trip together instead, and we just never got back on the bandwagon to do all that crap. We found that Christmas is so much more relaxing if we center it around seeing loved ones and just don’t do all the superfluous performative chores. We may possibly attend family dinners on Christmas eve and Christmas. Would bring a (store bought) consumable hostess gift if attending (liquor chocolates have proven popular). We do have it easy in that we have no kids, and our families are nearby so seeing them is not as much of an emotionally loaded and rare occasion. I don’t believe DH even sends his nephews presents – since it’s not my job I’ve never bothered to ask about it.
Senior Attorney
Sing it, Sister!
anon
These are more short-cuts than complete opt-outs.
– We put up the tree, throw some lights on, and then put on ornaments until everyone feels like stopping. This year, I think it took less than 3 hours (30-45 minutes to get the tree Friday night, maybe 1 hour to do the lights, and 1 hour to do the ornaments).
– I had the addresses printed on our Christmas cards. I keep my address book as a spreadsheet, so it was really easy to upload.
– I made and froze 4 cheese balls to take to various potlucks and have for company. I also have a couple of go-to recipes that I can bake from scratch in about 15 minutes of active cooking time.
– We are mostly spontaneous about community events. We have purchased tickets for one event that sells out, but that’s it.
Vicky Austin
How old are your kids? Could they be trusted to copy addresses from a screen to the envelopes, while you monitor intermittently and do other things (or chill on your phone, which it sounds like you could use)?
Senior Attorney
Some years ago I decided that everything about Christmas is optional, and it has been a game-changer. Some years we do a tree, some years (like this year) we don’t. I always address Christmas cards by hand and write notes because I love it, but Hubby is in charge of his own list and if he doesn’t get to it, he doesn’t get to it and that’s okay. Cooking, events, entertaining — that’s as I’m able and inclined.
Yes, you want to do something if you have kids, but pick and choose. You don’t have to do everything.
LSC
I just have to comment to say that this makes me think of a recent favorite card I saw. On the front it said “It’s almost time for me to change from my regular anxiety to my fancy Christmas anxiety!” Hugs!!!
Andrea
Pink velvet? Is this versatile? I feel like I will not be constantly reaching for this in my closet…
Anon
I have a red velvet and a purple velvet blazer, both of which I picked up at Goodwill. I wear them both pretty regularly in the winter and always get compliments. It also makes getting dressed in the morning easy – black top, black pants, black shoes, colorful jacket.
Anonymous
I saw attorney wear this or something similar in court recently and it was SO cute (this is normal in my jurisdiction- any blazer is fine).
Anon
Then don’t buy it.
Anon
Not OP- but I want to buy it, and it’s sold out in my size so I’m sad.
xmas traditions
My kids are in elementary school. We live far from our families of origin. My work is busy at the end of each month, so I have to work every year, including in between xmas and new years and the week before xmas is very very busy (even if they have school vacation, they have to go to some all-day camp somewhere, usually with no friends b/c most mommies here don’t work and the ones that do don’t work my wacky job). Sadly, our xmas traditions are . . .
— sending xmas cards (kids like to do the return address stamper and put on postage stamps)
— OMG mommy is so busy at work (so we have never decorated outside and manage to get a tree up and decorated but nothing more than that)
This year, we went to the Advent Festival of Lessons and Carols at church (I loved this into adulthood at my parents’ church) since they could do an evening service without getting hangry / squirmy / tired. [They have aged out of our church’s xmas pageant.]
What else is easy to do if you are short on bandwidth?
Move some celebrating to New Year’s (which is a lull at work for me, but hard for a kid to get excited about)?
anon
Can you do an outdoor activity? Ice skating or skiing for a day? or half day? Where do you live? Can you go visit the Chriskindlmarket if your town has one? or go see a Christmas movie together one night? Do you have boys or girls? Make a tradition out of something you do with the family….we used to always take the boys bowling over the Christmas break…2-3 hours in an evening.
That's plenty!
Some things I enjoyed as a kid arpund Christmas, although maybe not holiday-specific:
– tagging along with a bunch of kids to the ice skating rink
– snowfights with neighborhood kids
– sledding
– building snow forts
– scrabble and card games
– Advent Calendar with sweets and books (I was really into books – we would borrow a bunch of books at the library and mom would let me read 1 new book in a series every day)
– Christmas movie binges with popcorn
– roasting marshmellows
– learning to play carols on my piano
I should add that most of the activities involved neighborhood kids and had minimal adult supervision from age 7 or 8 -except maybe the marshmellow bit (i.e., my parents did not watch movies or play scrabble with me).
Anonymous
Our Christmas brunch potluck with friends is like December 28th or 29th every year but you could easily do an annual New Year’s brunch on the Saturday after New Year’s. We also go see the Nutcracker Ballet every year which only takes a couple hours but builds a nice tradition.
Pick a couple things to do in the New Year before they go back to school – ice skating and hot chocolate or swimming and cupcakes or a movie day. Swimming on New Year’s day or the day after might be fun – like a Polar Bear dip but you’re warm water polar bears! The key is to do in every year and in a couple years it’s a tradition for the kids. I’ve literally only done Christmas brunch like 4 times, but my 8 year old started asking about it as soon as Halloween was over because we missed last year.
Anonymous
We took a special two-day trip for new years last year on a whim (well, not that special, but the kids got super psyched for it). It had been a terrible month (too much work, family crisis), and it was really great. One thing I like to do is turn decorating the Christmas tree into a special occasion with music and hot cocoa and whatever.
780
Are there any light displays that you can go to one evening? I grew up with a single parent, and the only Christmas traditions from my childhood are St. Nicholas day, decorating the tree and going to an outdoor light display. I never thought I was missing anything, and the idea of taking on some huge amount of stress to hand-address holiday cards or decorate outside is crazy to me.
Pick 2-3 things, make those your traditions, and it will be special for your kids. Let the rest go. No one is going to remember and appreciate 15 traditions a year.
Senior Attorney
Yes I was gonna suggest finding out if there’s a neighborhood that decorates big in your area, and put the kids in the car in PJ’s with cookies and sippy cups of hot chocolate and drive around and look at the lights.
Anon
I know several Christian families who celebrate the 12 days of Christmas and do their “big gift” on Epiphany. You could do that to shift your celebration into the period after Christmas/early January.
Some other short/easy traditions:
-drive around one evening and look at Christmas lights while drinking cocoa
-make gingerbread houses with a premade kit or graham crackers + store bought icing
-instead of a gingerbread house, make a gingerbread forest (upside down ice cream sugar cones + store bought icing + candy) (kids mostly just want to play with and eat the candy anyway)
-celebrate St. Nicholas Day (Dec. 6), where the children hang their stockings or put out their shoes the night before in the hopes that St. Nick will leave candy or small presents during the night
-special holiday foods don’t have to be things that are laborious to make. You can have special holiday cinnamon rolls from a can, special holiday strawberry shortcake for breakfast, special holiday soft pretzels from the mall, etc. Giving them a special name and choosing something you don’t eat a lot the rest of the year is enough to cement it as a tradition.
-ice skating, movies, holiday in the local theme park, live shows, etc. are things you can just show up to for an afternoon
-high impact, low effort, easy to store decorations win the day: stockings, small pre-lit trees, non-breakable ornaments tossed in a bin, festive rugs, those lights that project snowflakes on the front of your house, small battery led lights the kids can use to “decorate” around their bed or desk, battery operated candles
-a favorite tradition when I was a kid was Christmas plates. They were normal round Corelle plates with Christmas trees on them. During the year, we stored them at the bottom of our stack of plain Corelle plates, but in December we moved them to the top and used them at all of our meals
-santa tracker . google . com has quick free computer mini games every day leading up to Christmas. You can cast or plug a laptop in to your TV and play the games (give Santa a haircut, code an elf dance, slide a penguin to the present, etc.) as a family in the evening
-pack holiday books and board games in with your decorations so they feel new and special each year
anon
Suggestions:
1. Drive around various neighborhoods and look at lights. I love doing this!
2. Holiday movie night. You could even work on your laptop in the same room.
3. Cookie decorating. Store-bought dough (or even cookies), store-bought icing, sprinkles, done.
Anonymous
Drive around town at night (school night or weekend night) with cocoa to see the lights?
Watch holiday movies
Decorate holiday cookies/gingerbread houses (if your kids are old enough that this is not a TOTAL AND COMPLETE DISASTER. In my house that age is 4+)- for sure pre buy unless your kids are old enough to bake on their own.
Can you have kids help with stuff? Like get a big roll of brown paper and have them color it and then wrap gifts?
Invest in a “kids tree”- small, prelit (can even be table top). Kids can put up and decorate with their own ornaments, or make some stuff for it.
My 5 year old is currently a week into a very elaborate decorating of her dollhouse. she’s made 2 paper Christmas trees, put some batting on the outside for snow, and is currently making “lights” out of construction paper to string up.
anon
I grew up with very busy parents who were both busier around the holidays and often had to work Christmas Eve and occasionally on Christmas Day. My mom was very, very into Christmas. Here are some traditions I remember.
– Advent wreath at home, lit at family dinner on Sunday nights (the only regular family dinners in my house), and some Advent cards my parents read out loud. I’m not religious anymore, but I liked the warm, cozy feeling and the lights.
– A big basket of Christmas books in the living room.
– An Advent calendar with pockets and chocolate Santas.
– Easy Christmas decorations–different throw pillows and blankets on the couch, a Christmas centerpiece on the kitchen table, Christmas plates, some Christmas mugs.
– Going to the movie theater on Christmas Day (actually with my aunt and cousin)
– Getting our Christmas tree was always a family event/tradition. We went together to the same lot every year. My mom and I would also decorate together while drinking hot chocolate and watching a Christmas special.
– As I got older, my mom would take me to one Christmas-y activity each December, like the Nutcracker or a Christmas play or a Christmas tea. We also had church programs and sometimes school programs. That was more than enough.
Senior Attorney
My son and I always do Cookie Day, and if we’ve done Cookie Day we feel like we have had Christmas! Been doing it since he was 3 months old (wasn’t much help at that age, I’ll admit!) and he’s now 33 and we only missed one year when he was in the Marine Corps in Japan.
You can get refrigerated cookie dough and roll it out and cut out the shapes, and some years we just dump sprinkles on ’em before we bake ’em and call it a day. Other years we’ve been quite elaborate. And he will often bring the girlfriend of the moment, or roommates or friends, and it’s always the best part of Christmas.
YMMV, of course, but it’s a great tradition.
Anon
<3
Coach Laura
Christmas movies, popcorn and cocoa. As they get older, watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” which we do every year. Also The Bishop’s Wife with Cary Grant as an angel. Earlier versions of this activity were the Grinch (original cartoon) and Charlie Brown’s Christmas, both of which we still watch now.
Buy pre-made refrigerated sugar cookies and have them decorate them with premade sprinkles and/or frosting.
Drive around candy-cane lane or the local arboretum that has lights. Doesn’t have to be for very long. (Jewish friends of ours do this.) Have spiced cider in travel mugs.
My kids loved chocolate advent calendars from Trader Joes but we also have ones that are reusable and have felt ornaments that hang on the wall.
Christmas Eve in our house follows the Italian theme (my mother’s heritage) of having seafood. It’s our tradition – I make Shrimp and Crab Cioppino but you could get premade clam chowder, or make shrimp pasta or buy cracked pre-cooked crab and serve with French fries and a salad.
Anon
How do you show up and be happy for friends when they have what you want and don’t have?
I had dinner with a newly married friend last night. We’re both 42. I’m single. We both had been single FOREVER until she met her guy at 39. We used to bond about being single, the ups and downs of dating, all that stuff. Obviously, we don’t talk about that stuff anymore. We still have a lot in common and plenty to talk about, but I don’t even bother bringing up how rough dating can be since she’s so blissed out.
She is glowing with happiness, which is great! But she was gushing a lot, and she talked about how fun it is to develop holiday traditions together and how wonderful it is to be married and know someone has your back always, and how her husband comforts her when she is stressed, and it was hard to hear. All it did was remind me that I don’t have that. Am I wrong to wish she could share those things with other married friends?
I didn’t want to be a downer so I just nodded enthusiastically. Then I hated myself for feeling jealous. Is there anything I can do differently?
Anonymous
It’s hard. It comes in other flavors (one person gets pregnant, the other can’t or loses a pregnancy, etc.). But it’s not realistic to want her to share with other married friends — she may not really have any (IMO marrieds often drop older single friends, if not quickly, then slowly over time, seeming to peak late 30s/early40s). And YOU are her friend!
Monday
You’re not wrong. Real talk: my mom was doing this to me recently, and I said, “Yes, I’m aware that having a husband is helpful.” (I’m divorced, and it wasn’t my choice.) Married people have so many advantages and privileges, it’s ok to let them know when gushing about them is hard on us.
You were a trooper. You could also say something like “That sounds wonderful” and then see if the topic can move on. She should be able to remember that she was recently in your shoes.
Hugs to you at what is, for me, the hardest time of year to be single. <3
Single too
It’s natural to be jealous so don’t feel bad. I would share your struggles too, if she is really your friend she will understand , she was in that situation too.In the same situation I would want to be able to be supportive of my friend who is still trying to meet someone. In the meantime be glad she is maintaining the friendship because some people will just ignore their friends when coupled up. FWIW I’m 39 and single so I can somewhat relate to how you feel.
Anon
If she just got married I imagine this is the honeymoon period where it’s soooo fun to have new holiday traditions. Give it Time and it’ll be – uh I’m stuck with my in laws for Christmas and he does nothing so I not only have to work, run the home but also put up the tree etc.
anon
I’d gently bring it up. She probably doesn’t realize it hurts you.
Anon
This. She’s your friend so I’m sure she’s not deliberately trying to make you feel bad. And definitely do it gently, because she’s not exactly morally wrong to want to talk about the things that make her happy.
Anon
This.
Senior Attorney
Yes, this. It’s easy to get over-excited when you’re SO HAPPY and maybe a gentle hint is what she needs.
Anon
Just as I started reading this thread, a colleague came into my office to tell me that she’s pregnant. I’m 38, single, and about to do my second round of egg freezing.
Hugs.
Quiet DC Restaurants
DC ‘rettes, I need restaurant suggestions. I am organizing a 90th birthday lunch arty for a relative in DC proper for the week between Christmas and New Years. He is hard of hearing so needs something very quiet. Having it at my house is not an option (too small). Looking for a place with a private room (thinking that’s the best option for quiet) for 6-8 people. Ideas?
kk
One of my favorites is Bistrot Lepic on Wisconsin – the food and wine are great, and there’s a private back room and I think you can also rent the upstairs room.
Anon
https://alabardero.com/ has two private room (including an intimate one that seems just the right size for your gathering) and is just spectacular.
Anon
Olivia (Chinatown) has a nice private room.
Katie
Depending on budget, The Palm, McCormick & Schmick, Equinox, and The Oval Room all offer private dining.
Anon
Ugh, frustrated a coworker sent me something for “review” and it’s almost complete garbage – I’m talking a document where every single number and “fact” is just plainly false. I have no idea how he produced this horrible mess and he’s been like “I don’t know what to tell you, I definitely need a QA” when pressed. His supervisor is aware since we’ve now missed the deadline to send this hot mess to the client. Just…how?? Did he make these numbers up? Did he panic and auto-generate rows in a table from some Internet site? HOW can a professional document be thoroughly, completely false in every way?
BeenThatGuy
“I’m talking a document where every single number and “fact” is just plainly false” – do you work in the White House?!?! (Sorry, I couldn’t resist)
Anon
I’ve heard Sharpies are good for this sort of thing.
Anon
We have the best sharpies. Unbelievable sharpies. You will be amazed.
Anon
“I have no idea how he produced this horrible mess and he’s been like “I don’t know what to tell you, I definitely need a QA” when pressed.”
“I cannot review a document with this many errors in it. This goes beyond needing a QA; whatever process was used to generate these numbers and these facts needs to be thoroughly reviewed and re-done. Please re-do this document with appropriate numbers and facts, and I will review the corrected copy.”
Go for it
+1
Senior Attorney
This. Send it back to him.
Anonymous
I’m an accountant in a midsize office (40 professionals, 50+ support staff). One of my dear friends from undergrad works here and is having a stressful Q4. (I’m gay, he’s straight – so no love interest.) Other than sweats, he has only worn one pair of dress pants – I know because they are visibly stained – over the last several weeks. I know he’s been trying to lose weight, but I have tried to stay out of that and just be supportive if he mentions it. People have started to murmur about his appearance and I’m worried it will hurt his reputation long term. I don’t know his size so I can’t give him pants – but I can’t figure out what is happening. Any insight?
Anonymous
No insight, but it needs to be addressed. No need to talk about his weight, just about the professionalism of his current wardrobe. Is there a staff dress code that you could reference?
Anon
You are definitely not responsible for purchasing pants for your adult friend. Can you go out for coffee/drinks and ask him how everything’s going? Maybe there’s another way to support him–let him vent about his family’s holiday drama or his incompetent coworker, help him polish his resume so he can search for a better job, reassure him that there are only a few weeks left until the busy period ends, encourage him to get therapy or other medical treatment for an underlying health struggle.
It sounds like the pants are not the main issue here and that he’s probably aware that his reputation and personal grooming aren’t in the best shape at the moment. If there’s something serious going on, you might be able to nudge him towards resources to help, and if there’s not you can still demonstrate support and friendship.
Anon
Depression, seasonal or otherwise?
Anon
Let him know that there have been some remarks about his appearance so he might want to take some time out to wash his clothes and commit to a more polished look. Acknowledge that you know he’s had a really busy Q4 so if you can help, as a friend – even if it’s just to do a load of laundry or two, you will. He probably doesn’t think anyone has noticed the stains. The sweatpants are…unacceptable.
Senior Attorney
Yes, this conversation would be a kindness. Although I wouldn’t offer to do his laundry.
Anonymous
Asking him if he’s okay in a way that let’s him know that you’ve observed a change in his appearance/demeanor would be doing him a kindness. Beyond that, I think you have to be flexible and respond depending on what he tells you.
Gigi
+1
Agree with broaching the topic by first asking how he’s doing
ElisaR
I had a friend who was not needy but was wearing a jacket w/ frayed sleeves (worn not intentionally styled that way). we worked in an office that was so formal that women were discouraged from wearing pantsuits, only suits/jackets w/ a skirt or dress. I said to her “dude what’s up with your jacket! it’s all frayed!” she was kind of mortified but thought it wasn’t obvious. I’m sure some people will say that was harsh but if she thought nobody could notice she was wrong. And I would want somebody to tell me if I was in that situation.
Anonymous
Help me out here- I’m newly married I could use some help with the wording on our Christmas cards and just general correspondence going forward.
My name is Catherine Middleton Windsor, but I go by Kate Middleton Windsor – I prefer to use all three names. My husbands name is Charles William Windsor, but he also almost always goes by Will Windsor.
The cards themselves will say “with love from Will and Kate” or should they say Kate and Will?
On the return address- Kate Middleton Windsor and Will Windsor? Kate and Will Windsor? Should we use our full names?
Vicky Austin
1. “with love from Will and Kate” vs. “with love from Kate and Will” is just a question of what sounds better to your ear.
2. Return address: what about just Middleton-Windsor, 123 Buckingham Palace Road, etc. I do this often (Austin, 456 Madeleine Street).
Anon
I love this example <3
Anonymous
I’m of the opinion whatever you want to do with names is fine. I didn’t change my name; we usually sign it with our first names (in any order) and return address has My Last Name + His Last Name (because FirstNameLast Name + FirstNameLastName is just long). Mainly to passively aggressively point out to his aunt that still calls me by his last name that I, in fact, did not change my name.
Emily Kraus
“The Windsors” or “The Windsor Family”
simple and casual / current and now your great aunt florence won’t be able to whine about how you disregarded emily post…
My grandmother would tell you that the correct formal way to address it would be “Mr. and Mrs. Charles William Windsor”
Anon
No, this leaves out her name. And your second option leaves her out entirely! It’s 2019, we don’t do that anymore. Who gives a cra p what her great aunt is going to think about outdated etiquette rules.
JuniorMinion
The second option would be formal invites. If I didn’t want to go by “Mrs. Hisfirst hislast” (which I don’t particularly) I would go casual and just send “from the x family.” If she hadn’t taken his last name at all I would suggest the “Middleton / Windsor Family” but it seems odd and overly wordy to put a middle name in something like this. Shortening it to “The Windsor Family” takes all that weirdness away while not being overly formal / what someone might think was retro.
Lily
is this a real question?
anon
Sadly, I agree.
1. It doesn’t matter.
2. It sounds like you changed your last name, so why not just go with “The Windsors” or “The Windsor Family”? Or if you don’t want to, just go with your first names. Or your full names. Or no name, just address. Or really anything. There are no rules, it’s entirely your preference.
Anonymous
When maiden + married without a hyphen, the maiden name functions like a middle name. It wasn’t “Rodham Clinton 2020,” it was just “Clinton 2020.”
If you are Middleton Windsor and he’s Windsor, the return address should be either Kate Middleton Windsor & Will Windsor, or just Windsor. Just using Middleton Windsor implies that the correspondence is only from you or that you both use both names, and Middleton-Windsor implies that you are both hyphenated or that neither of you uses the other’s name at all.
Anonymous
Thank you! The Rodham Clinton example is a good one – I think we will probably just say Windsor.
Anon
+1
Anon
This really depends on the culture and is not uniform in the US. In most Latin American cultures, it is common to have two last names without a hyphen. It’s not clear whether the OP changed her last name or her middle name from the post.
TrixieRuby
Has anyone in this group used Gazelle to recycle/sell old laptops and phones? Has it worked out for you?
I am on the verge of sending in devices, and want some sense of the possibility of success.
Thank you!
Anon
Yeah, did that years ago and had no issues.
Anon
Many many years ago, but it was great.
Heck yea
I just stood up to a colleague in my office trying to take 100% credit for bringing in a deal, which translates into compensation to the tune of $50k for the full lead credit. We were 50/50 without question, in my opinion. He was flabbergasted I was asking to split the lead credit and I think equally shocked I pushed back and didn’t just accept his offer. He raised it to his superior so I raised it to mine and the two superiors are going to confer and guide the negotiation. I’m 97% sure I will prevail (my superior believes I’m right and thinks it should be more like 75% to me) but DANG I’m proud of myself for handling it, holding my ground and digging in.
Boom. Happy Wednesday.
Anonymous
Power to you!
young padawan
If you’re in the mood to regale us with the tale, I would LOVE TO HEAR MORE as a young professional in male-dominated world
How did you catch him?
How did he try to sneak it around you?
What was the convo? In person? Email?
What did you say? Were you scared/nervous/etc?
I haven’t encountered any situations like this year (that I know of) and I would love to know how your situation went down so I can be ready to pull a #PowerMove <3
Anon
I want to hear this too.
Never too many shoes...
Get it, girl.
Monday
[Fire emoji]
Go for it
Awesome. Go you !
Anon
Woohoo! Go you!
NOLA
Wow! Good job!
Vicky Austin
Hell yeah!
ElisaR
YES! well done.
Anon
Yesss! Go you!
Senior Attorney
Yesss! Go you!
NYNY
Cookie Exchange
I’m going to a cookie exchange this weekend. I’m a good baker, but will be pressed for time. Does anyone have a suggestion for a quick cookie recipe? Maybe some type of bar rather than drop or rolled cookie so I don’t have to make multiple batches?
Minnie Beebe
Shortbread is super easy, and super delicious. Also festive, especially if you were to toss some green sprinkles/colored sugar on top before baking, and then cut them into triangular shapes!
Anon
Someone just recommended these to me yesterday and they sounded great (but they are drop cookies). She said she replaces the vanilla with mint for Christmas. https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/9861/chocolate-crinkles-ii/
I also make cookies out of the Krusteaz gingerbread mix and people go nuts for them…even though they’re a box mix. Roll them in sanding sugar and they look fancy.
HM
Last year around this time there was a great thread about fun little luxuries in the kitchen (Maldon, fancy hot sauces, etc.) – Wondering if anyone has any new items for 2019? Looking for fun stocking stuffer ideas for my foodie DH!
Sunflower
This chili oil with crunchy garlic is utterly delicious and it lasts forever in the refrigerator: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00BF028XQ/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Ribena
Fancy hot chocolate! Lovely spice mixes and blends. Nice oils and vinegars.
Senior Attorney
A nice salt cellar and good kosher salt. We have one that’s similar to this and love it: https://www.macys.com/shop/product/thirstystone-olive-wood-salt-keeper-with-swivel-top?ID=9448180&pla_country=US&CAGPSPN=pla&cm_mmc=Google_SH_PLA_Tabletop-_-GS_Dinnerware_PLA_Thirstystone-_-293719121751-_-pg1050700447_c_kclickid_edb56a3a-5688-4018-9dc8-170634b77313_KID_EMPTY_1546922795_65774817104_293719121751_aud-374536321149:pla-515686413755_795785122855USA__c_KID_&trackingid=509×1050700447&m_sc=sem&m_sb=Google&m_tp=PLA&m_ac=Google_SH_PLA_Tabletop&m_ag=Thirstystone&m_cn=GS_Dinnerware_PLA&m_pi=go_cmp-1546922795_adg-65774817104_ad-293719121751_aud-374536321149:pla-515686413755_dev-c_ext-_prd-795785122855USA&gclid=Cj0KCQiAz53vBRCpARIsAPPsz8WE60lZsAzxhKmAAEHUPyNGU9_8NJqJeZvAT2JLsD9XQ2LqzZ-JdM4aAp4fEALw_wcB
Anon
Honestly the checkout area at Sur La Table is perfect for this. Last time I was in I bought a new vegetable peeler, and let me tell you, life is great when you have a nice new super sharp vegetable peeler.
NOLA
I’m thinking about having my staff to lunch at my house next week during finals, when our time is a bit more flexible. I could take them out to lunch at a nearby restaurant, but I was thinking it would be fun to have them over and we could have a drink (one of my staff loves being an amateur mixologist). They’ve been working really hard and I’m hoping this isn’t a terrible idea. Trying to brainstorm ideas for what to make.
Anonymous
I may be the outlier, but I don’t like going to colleague’s homes: boss, adviser, supervisor. I feel stressed out that I have to get a host gift and the location is sometimes awkward plus I feel like I have to be on my ps+qs in a way that I wouldn’t at a restaurant, and all the rest. It is however, definitely interesting to see where other people live.
Anon
Could you do catering from a mom & pop restaurant – Italian, maybe? Something that cuts through all the potatoes and turkey and cranberry of the season.
NOLA
I could totally do Middle Eastern from a restaurant down the street.
Anon
How close are you to your staff? I have a pretty good, friendly relationship with my team, but would still feel really weird going to my boss’s house for a meal. But I know you work at a college, so … maybe it is more normal in that type of work setting.
Anon
This is a regional thing. I thought the same as you — you go out with work people, you don’t invite them home. And then I spent a year in Richmond and learned that in smaller cities (maybe all thru the south IDK?) and/or in smaller work places, being invited to the boss’ house is NBD and people would think it strange to be taken out to dinner by the boss instead of being invited. (Though if boss doesn’t want to host, then they take people out to lunch not dinner)
The South
This is a really nice gesture in the South (generally). A meal out is more formal here.
My only note is on the staff member who likes to make drinks. Make sure they really want to do this b/c this takes up a ton of time! If they are interested, provide everything they would need.
Never too many shoes...
I think that sounds lovely. My firm is very social and there are lots of house dinners and parties so I am on board.
Anon
Look, half the board is about to chime in and say it’s a terrible idea because it’s way too personal, some people wouldn’t want this, forced fun, etc etc
But the reality is that it’s a total know your office situation – if you think they’d like it, it’s a good idea, if you don’t, or are hesitant, it’s a bad one.
NOLA
Yeah, I thought about it more after I posted and, as it turns out, we can’t do it next week. We’re all tied up with various things and can’t get away while students are here. We could probably do it the week before Christmas, but one person will be out. I’m not friends with my staff (other than one) but we’re pretty friendly and I do think that they would enjoy it. I just don’t know if I could pull it off personally, as much as I want to do it.
Senior Attorney
I feel like schedules get so crowded the week before Christmas that it might be more of an obligation for them than anything else. Maybe the week between Christmas and New Year’s, if they’re around? Or a New Year gathering once school starts up again?
(I have had staff to my house in the past and it was great so I say thumbs up on the idea!)
NOLA
We’re all so busy with coverage when school is in session and the week of the 16th is completely dead for most of them. I wanted to do something during the day when they are still working.
Anon.
I would consider a New Year’s lunch/dinner. everyone is always so stressed and booked in December.
NOLA
We’re off then and I would never ask them to a work function when we’re off and the university is closed. I was trying to do it when we have fewer daytime obligations, during work hours.
EM84
We had budget cuts last year and I couldn’t invite my team for a dinner out. They worked super hard, so I suggested dinner at my place. I cooked, people brought snacks, we had great time and his year, when they heard we are going out for dinner, they were a bit disappointed. I live in a country where “being personal” is considered normal. Although I come from a country which is more formal. Give it a try.
Anon
I am taking my team bowling and we are doing it in work time in the afternoon. So far the idea is well received.
LASIK
Ladies who have had LASIK—what was your experience? Any regrets? TIA!
CountC
I was very hesitant at first, but am SO SO glad I did it. I had no issues and was back to work with no problems the next morning. NO RAGRETS.
AWESOME DO IT
done it in 2009 at age 22. now 32 years old. DMV-area Sonny Goel at Lasik Plus
life changing. prior to that I had worn glasses since I was 8-9 years old. legally blind my vision was so bad. I spent all of college waiting for my prescription to settle so I could sign up. I haven’t had any side effects. dryness, halos, etc. other than having an amazing life without contacts/glasses.
Admittedly… I haven’t had my eyes checked since I had it done which is Probably Not Good. LOL. I keep telling myself to have them checked just to get a status update, but I don’t have any day to day issues with my sight – at sedentary, computer job, driving, personal time, etc. so I really haven’t had an issue. Of course… someday my vision will go with presbyopia like everyone, but I’m not there yet.
navychica
Had it in Spring 2013; my contact prescriptions were -7.5/-7 before surgery, and I saw 20/15 the next day. Recovery was easy; eye drops and sunglasses inside for about a week. I was able to come off the eye drops within a month after surgery. I almost sobbed when I realized how clear I was seeing without lenses; it was life-changing.
Over the last two years though, I began having bad vision at night, especially when driving. I just got eyeglasses last week, with a small prescription of -1.25/-1.5. I’m also 6 months pregnant though, so the doctor thinks I’ll improve after I have the baby, and maybe just use a small prescription to reduce the night halos.
No regrets; even if I do need glasses now, I’m no longer helpless and almost blind without them. I don’t have any residual eye pain or complications from the surgery. My husband had PRK, and his perfect vision wore off sooner than mine, but he still wears a much smaller prescription than before.
ElisaR
i did PRK too bc I wasn’t eligible for LASIK.
Recovery was a little longer but totally worth it. I’d venture to say life changing. Contacts were not my friend.
ALX emily
Only regret was waiting until I could comfortably afford it – honestly would have been worth it to do it 1-2 years sooner on an interest-free credit card and I would NEVER do something like that otherwise!
Delta Dawn
Best thing I ever did. Best. My eyes do get dry more often now, so I always carry drops. I sleep with drops by the bed because they can be very dry when I wake up. But it is still, by far, the greatest thing I ever did for myself. Being able to open my eyes and see without intervention is truly the closest thing to a miracle that I can imagine.
Anon
Just trying to gauge where I’m at on this — what’s your yearly travel budget (or travel spending if you don’t budget) compared to your income/household income? How many nights away does said budget get you and what kind of trips do you take/prefer? Meaning are you a 5 Star luxury in a big city person or AirBnB or camping or domestic only or international only or lots of small trips or one 2 week trip kind of person?
Looking at my budget, it looks like I average $2000-2500/yr on travel, which I’m guessing is low for a 180k income at least looking at my peers (age 39, single though obviously not all my friends are solo) who seem to travel a LOT. I only tend to get away for 3-4 nights/yr on average — sometimes one wedding/event + one 3 night trip for me. The trips for me are always domestic, cities, luxury hotels, the most convenient direct flights. Part of me thinks — I go away so little, I can splurge; part of me has like ZERO ability to score deals, use points etc probably because I don’t do it enough. Though I do now have an American credit card with 70k points on it so maybe that helps me out next time??
How do you all plan for this?
Anonymous
HHI is about 170K pre-tax and we spend about 8-10% of that for three weeks in Europe each year to visit DH’s family with our three kids. Stay at AirBnBs near family for two weeks and vacation resort for one week. Travel during shoulder season.Extra travel like a week in Florida over Easter or a ski trip usually happens every second year and only if we have enough extra points to cover it. Every single thing goes on credit cards for the points and credit card is paid off every month, like $5 muffin and coffee – credit card. Travel is a priority for us – our vehicles are older domestic cars. We spend on our house to have a super short commute and on travel to see family. Cars/clothes etc don’t get a high priority. Retirement wise we benefit from DH’s indexed defined benefit plan and my unindexed defined benefit plan.
Anon
It really doesn’t matter what others do, what matters is what you enjoy and what value you place on vacations as opposed to other things you could spend money on. I value vacations more than fancy clothing or fancy restaurants, so that is where I spend my money.
FWIW, I take one 2-3 international vacation a year and spend between $3-5k. I generally go to South America, Asia, or Africa and like getting out in nature, so expenses are low once I arrive. It helps that I don’t care about staying in fancy hotels or going out to 5 star dinners, what I value are the activities I get to do. In addition to a few long weekends to visit family, some years I will do another weekend trip within the US. I don’t think I’ve ever spent more than $1k on a long weekend, and often less depending on what airfare costs.
Anon
* take one 2-3 week international vacation
Anon
HHI of around 200k (DINKS). We travel a lot and don’t have a specific budget for it. The thing is, we budget for predicted spend and retirement, investment, and savings account contributions. All of the predicted spend budget goes into a joint account (this includes mortgage, food, transportation, etc), all the savings goes into their accounts, and we are free to spend the rest as we see fit. If we see a place we want to travel and time permits, we just go if the money is in the unspecified spend accounts. I don’t think there is a real need to budget travel spend specifically. Travel is a luxury, so you spend whatever portion of your “fun” or “do whatever” money on it as you want.
We typically travel mid-range level (sometimes Air BnB, usually Hilton or something similar) – never luxury, as that means fewer trips. At least one 1 week trip per year, usually an international destination, and several weekend or 3/4 day trips domestically or internationally (we live on a coast so this is easy).
And please use your points, that’s like throwing money away. Like you, I keep it simple with one primary credit card which is a travel points card. Just book through the website or transfer your points to the travel partner through the credit card website. It’s not that difficult, it’s only one website.,
Leatty
DH and I take one or two 7-10 day trips every year, some of which are international. We probably spend $3-7k on each trip and currently have a household income of around $300k. I really enjoy traveling, so we prioritize it. We put almost all of our expenses on our Chase sapphire reserve card, so we earn and redeem a lot of points. We tend to stay at 3-4 star hotels, which are always under $250/night. While we prefer direct flights, we will take flights with stops or longer travel time to save money.
Anonymous
I don’t have a yearly budget, more of a per trip budget I like to stay in – </= $2k. My HHI is $130k, and I am single. This gets me one week trips, generally in North America, staying in AirBnBs or VRBOs. I choose the cheapest rental car, I try to always book a place with a kitchen so I can cook my own food 90% of the time, and I am generally doing activities outdoors that are free or low-cost (I visit at least one National Park a year, so I have a yearly pass, etc.). I can usually do this for far less than $2k, but I sometimes spend more on flights to leave out of my small regional airport and connect vs. drive two or more hours to get to a larger international airport and fly direct. If I stay in a hotel, it's a Holiday Inn or something like that. I am no frills. I want to start car camping for reasonably drivable trips, but haven't gotten that far yet.
Cat
DINKs with a HHI of roughly $400K, we spend about $20K per year on travel. A year typically includes two-three domestic long weekends, one week visiting family (so very low cost other than the flights), and two 7-10 day international vacations. We spend between $150-$250/night for lodging by choosing midrange hotels or Airbnbs, which helps us get the most bang for our buck. Posh hotels actually end up annoying us because we like to be very self-sufficient rather than relying on an army of staff… so it’s paying extra for service we don’t actually like!
Anon
70k income
3 weekend trips at ~$750 to fly to visit family throughout the year
6-10 weekend camping trips at $50-150 throughout the year
1 weeklong trip at $1500ish
It sounds like a lot proportionally to my income, but most of the camping trips are funded via budget surplus or (highly variable) side income and the longer trip is offset by credit card rewards, flight points, etc.
Anon
You can do a week long trip for $1500? Where? Do you fly? Where do you stay?
Anon
Not the OP, but I’ve done a few of these – I just did a weeklong trip to Spain for ~1,000. It’s points – I travel a TON for work, so between flights and hotels, I spent $12. Not $1,200, $12. That’s it. The rest was food, ubers, train travel in country, etc.
Anon
OP here — talk to me about points. Do you have a credit card for one particular airline or something more general like Chase or Citi?
Anon
I was the anon at 12:08 – I mainly focus on an airline card because that’s where I want to splurge – I was well timed, direct (or minimal stops) flights with business class for overnight flights so I can maximize time in my destination. I couldn’t care less about hotels – give me clean and well located, and I’m good. If you care a lot about luxury hotels, but are good with a red-eye in coach (I can barely sleep on planes when upgraded, so this is a know yourself thing), I’d do a Marriott or Hilton or whatever card. Beyond that, the trick is also traveling for work – for instance, I generally fly 100,000/miles a year minimum with most being work travel – all of those flights go on my AA credit card and get reimbursed, and you get more miles for flight purchases with AA. But basically it’s about what you want to use your points for/what your priorities are, and how you can best leverage work travel and expenses.
Anon
I’ve done this in Portugal, Colombia, and Mexico. The biggest cost is the flight, so I look for deals. I flew to Portugal round-trip nonstop for $500.
Anon
Anon @11:52 we camp pretty much all of the time that we’re not with family and we live in the southwest, so it’s really easy to drive or take a quick flight to national parks, camp, eat a combination of camp food and restaurant food, etc. We did a loop around Four Corners one year and a trip down the Pacific Coast another.
Anon
2500 on 4 nights away suggests that you’re someone who values traveling less but going pricey places and/or traveling luxuriously when you do. Nothing wrong with that. I feel like people think that’s the “wrong” attitude nowadays because of social media — i.e. people making the same income as you or less are going away 6 times/yr and posting non stop about it and you take one trip/yr. Reality is you’d rather go away and stay at the Ritz and they would rather go away every 6 weeks so they’re staying at AirBnBs and all inclusive resorts. Different preferences.
Anon
We don’t budget for it but I’d guess we spend around $20k per year. That gets us 6-8 plane trips (for 2 adults and 1 kid) and probably ~20 nights of hotel per year. The last couple years we’ve done a week in the Caribbean in the winter, a week in Europe in the summer, a week at my parents vacation home in summer (flights, but no hotel costs), and then assorted long weekends to see in-laws/friends/extended family/celebrate birthdays and anniversaries. We don’t usually stay in Four Seasons-type hotels except on special occasions, but we like to be comfortable and now that we have a kid we frequently splurge for at least a junior suite. We’re paying off our mortgage in 2020 and expect to increase our travel spending once that’s gone, especially since our kid is getting older and we hope to travel internationally more and do more bucket list trips. HHI is ~$200k but in a very LCOL area. I love to travel, it’s worth it to me. We drive old cars, have an almost paid off house, and don’t really spend money on much else except daycare.
Anon
Adding that we also have the Chase Sapphire Reserve and earn a LOT of points (in addition to our vacations, my husband travels a fair amount for work and can put his work trips on our personal credit card and get reimbursed). Usually we can get several nights of a nice hotel on points each year.
Anon
I spend about $5k/year (single, so just me). That ends up being 2-3 long weekends, and 2 week-ish international trips (sometimes this is a long weekend in the Caribbean + two weeks in Asia, but averaging out here). I make $225k, and the only reason the cost is so low is points – I can’t remember the last time I actually paid for personal flights – I travel a ton for work, and very much maximize my points acquisition throughout the year (work expenses reimbursed on personal card, instead of on corporate card, allowed by policy, etc).
Blueberries
If you’re happy doing what you’re doing, keep on doing it.
I used to think that travel, especially international travel, was really important and I should do lots of it. Lots of friends think similarly. Now, with greater awareness of climate change, I think more about getting on a plane. My family is spread out, so I still fly to see them, but otherwise I try for driving/train vacations. I live in an area with lots of fun things within a reasonable drive.
Anon
HHI is 125. I budget about 4K a year on travel. This usually includes 1-2 international trips at 1 week each and 4-6 domestic. Caveat: I tend to travel to inexpensive international locations where the dollar is strong, so I am able to get a lot for my money. I also don’t have three meals out at restaurants, more like a cafe breakfast and dinner out, or breakfast at the hotel/AirBnB, big lunch out, and snack for dinner.
I will do AirBnBs or budget hotels, but my one rule is I won’t stay anywhere that isn’t as nice as my own house. Like, I don’t want to pay to stay somewhere with worse quality towels and sheets than what I have! Still, I do not exactly have luxurious stuff so this is pretty easy to do.
My other non-negotiable is direct flights whenever possible. Totally worth it.
Anonymous
I don’t have a specific budget, but we probably spend between 2k-6k per year (which I realize is a wide range) for me and husband. HHI of 300k. Time is the limiting factor more than money for vacation for us. We take one week to week and a half vacation that involves flying (which I usually have enough miles for from work travel; that cuts down on costs quite a bit), and usually have about 2 long weekend trips involving a flight for weddings. We drive home to parents’ houses for holidays, which I don’t really consider a “vacation.” And my parents go to a nearby beach every summer for a week, and my brother and I (still, in our 30s) usually tag along for that (though I work remotely about half the trip), with or without my husband depending on the year/work schedule–we pay for meals, but parents pay for housing. In my ideal world, we would take one week-to-week-and-a-half international trip and one one-week domestic trip, plus holidays and summer beach week with my parents, but that would be 4 weeks of vacation time, and somehow with the billable hour requirement, that never seems to happen (despite my firm’s stated vacation policy of 4 weeks.)
Anonymous
HHI of $300-350k. We spend about $5-7k a year on travel. One or two airplane trips (usually one to in laws, free room and board; the other to somewhere warm during the winter, like FL), one week at a local beach resort (air BNB).
It’s the two of us plus 3 kids. Ugh.
Anon
Don’t feel like you have to spend more. We make ~$150k but are spending about what you are on travel these days, mostly to visit family, weddings, etc. We decided to live in a VHCOL but beautiful area of coastal California with lots we can do locally or within driving distance, which we find personally satisfying and more climate friendly than lots of international travel. This is really a matter of individual preference and how you want to spend your money and not everyone needs to spend it on travel.
Senior Attorney
We spend about 10% of income on travel because it’s a big priority for us. We like to fly business class and other than that, sometimes we go fancy accommodations and sometimes less so. This year we did one big European trip and several long weekends including one to NYC (from So Cal). Most years we would do two foreign trips but that didn’t happen this year for Reasons.
Anon
OP, I can’t seem to reply above where you asked about points (I guess you can only “nest” so many levels), but what I’ve found to be key to winning the points game is choosing a credit card that lets me direct book through them with points. For me, that’s the Chase Sapphire Reserve. It’s a hefty fee ($450/year) but most of it gets refunded in travel credits ($300/year) so I end up netting a $150 cost that gives me enough points to buy 1-2 international tickets each year (usually to Middle East/Asia, so pricy tickets). I book directly through the Chase cardholder website because they give you a better value of points per dollar (1.5 to $1). I’m also in a lot of other mileage programs and have accrued plenty of points that I really try to use, but most brand-specific mileage programs play enough games (limited number of mileage-eligible seats, mileage “sales” that are of no use, astronomical fuel charges or taxes in addition to points) that it often doesn’t work with my travel plans. It’s worth doing a bit of reading on The Points Guy to learn how non-branded travel cards work. Good luck and happy travels!
Senior Attorney
+1 to the Chase Sapphire Reserve
Anon
Is it logical/possible to drive a small section of the PCH over a day or so, or is it one of those things that people do from start to finish? Is there a good 2 hour section to drive? I’m struggling with the idea that I’d start from one of the major airports and drive 2-3 hours and then have to turn around and drive the same section back the next day (to return to the airport and fly out). I don’t have enough time to drive from one major airport city to the next and the smaller cities are harder/more expensive to get home from. Has anyone done this?
Ducky
That depends on the airports that you have to choose from. I really like the section that goes through Montecito and Santa Barbara.
Anon
I would fly to San Francisco, drive from SF to Carmel, and then fly home from either SF or San Jose (preferably the latter).
Gigi
How would you spend 3 days in New Orleans in January?
NOLA
I would spend some time walking around the Quarter (not on Bourbon Street), going to galleries, walk along the river, etc. Stop in the Carousel Bar at the Monteleone Hotel and have a French 75 and some savory beignets. I might go up to NOMA (at City Park) to the Sculpture Garden, which is one of my favorite places. Go to the galleries on Julia St in the Warehouse District. I love to walk along Magazine Street and go into the little shops and artsy places. Stop for lunch at Joey K’s or Rum House or someplace fancier. Take the streetcar up to Audubon Park and walk the loop. Ride the St. Charles Ave streetcar from beginning to end and back downtown, just seeing the big houses on the avenue. Take a walking tour of the cemeteries or the garden district. Have a fancy lunch at Commander’s Palace and drink 25 cent martinis and get the bread pudding souffle. It can be cold and sometimes rainy here in January, so always have an indoor Plan B.
Senior Attorney
Or a carriage tour to the cemeteries!
Also we did a Segway tour of the French Quarter which was equal parts nerdy and awesome.
NOLA
How does that work with the horrible sidewalks? I would probably fall on my head!
Senior Attorney
It was in the street! Just dodging cars and horses!
SC
+1 to NOLA’s comments. I love NOMA and the sculpture garden. I’d add going out to hear music on Frenchman one night.
Keep in mind that New Orleans is hosting at least one NFL playoff game (which could be any of the first 3 weekends in January) and the college football national championship game on January 13th. If you’re not interested in football, you may want to stay uptown (Garden District or a smaller B&B closer to Audubon Park/Riverbend area) and spend more of your time there.
NOLA
Ooooh, good point about football! You know, I thought about saying something about going out for live music, but honestly, I just don’t do that, so I wouldn’t know what to tell anyone.
SC
Also, if you’ll be in New Orleans any of the 3 weekends we may have football games, make your reservations early, before fans know who will be playing in those games! Once the teams are confirmed, thousands of out-of-town fans will make reservations at once.
Attired
What is the appropriate attire for an informal interview at a dive bar? This is to meet the managing partner of a highly-respected law firm. If it were anywhere else of course the answer would be a suit, but I just can’t get past the location.
Anon
Given the informal nature and location, I’d just wear whatever you wore to work that day unless you are usually very casual.
A sheath dress with sleeves or with a non-suit blazer seems perfect for this.
OP
I wear jeans to work currently so will be going home to change. I was thinking a dress with a blazer might even be too much. I don’t want to out myself somehow but it’s basically a themed H**ter’s-type place.
Anonymous
OMG I read that as a themed Hilter-type place. Holy hell.
But now that I actually have read it properly, this would not make me want to work for this person/firm.
ElisaR
Then I think dark jeans with a blazer is totally appropriate (since it’s what you wear to work and it’s at a dive bar). But I’m not in the law field.
Anon
I would be cancelling the interview, because anyone who thinks that such a bar is appropriate for an interview is going to be a sexual harassment nightmare. But assuming you don’t want to do that, I would go with a dress and non-matching blazer or structured cardigan.
Anon
I would not meet for an interview at a place where the theme is ogle part of a woman’s body. This is going to go badly.
Anon
Is it after work? If so, I agree with Anon @12:27. Whatever you wore to work is fine, and I wouldn’t wear anything more special than normal, just look as polished as possible (hair done, at least some minimal makeup if you typically wear some so you don’t look tired and worn out in a bar with poor lighting). For interviews, unless you are adamantly anti-makeup or don’t know how to apply it acceptably well, you should wear enough to make you look healthy and awake – this typically means some kind of under eye concealer and spot (with foundation or powder if you need it to make the concealer look okay), mascara, very light blush, and some kind of lip color.
Assistant Gift?
This is my first year with my own assistant, and I would love some direction on a holiday gift. I am not an attorney so the typical cash gift culture doesn’t apply. She is 24/25, fairly preppy and quiet, unsure if she drinks but I think she does. She lives with one roommate. Aiming to stay in the $30-$50 range. Any ideas?
Anon
Amazon/Target GC. Really. Tape it to a pack of fancy chocolates if you want to give it with a gift.
Anon
$50 visa gift card and a nice card.
Senior Attorney
Yup. She doesn’t want a thoughtful gift, she wants cash or cash equivalent.
I’d stay away from the VISA gift cards, btw. Many of them make you keep track of the balance and it’s easy to end up with unused funds that you can’t access.
anon
restaurant gift certificate – make it $50 so she can take a friend
TV characters for work fashion?
Haven’t seen a post on this for a while, and would love to hear what TV characters have work fashion you admire.
I’m coming out of an about 5-year stretch in which I haven’t bought new work clothes (save for pregnancy clothes) and, due to a changes in body size, need to create a new work capsule wardrobe. I know what type of pieces I need based on my location/body/lifestyle (e.g., nothing that needs ironing or dry cleaning, dresses and cropped pants rather than long pants or skirts), but really need looks to copy.
Bonus points if the characters wear glasses, as I’m also in the market for a new pair!
Gigi
-Joan Watson on Elementary (I suffer through this show just to ogle at Lucy Liu’s outfits. She knows how to work a suit and tie)
-Anne Carlson on Workin’ Moms
-Molly in Insecure
-Mindy in the Mindy Project (for more colorful, whimsical outfits. She also occasionally wears glasses)
Anon
Ooh Shiv Roy from season 2 of Succession. #goals (but her body is also #goals)
Anon
https://www.glamour.com/gallery/shiv-roy-best-looks-succession-season-two
Here’s one article, but there are lots.
Ribena
I really like the office clothing in Supergirl, surprisingly!
Senior Attorney
Elizabeth on Madame Secretary. She’s doing this crazy thing this season with tie-neck blouses that kind of evoke a man’s necktie and I think it’s really cool. And her outfits are otherwise exemplary, too.
Anon
Ugh, no! I LOVE that show, but I hate her look! It’s pretty frumpy a lot of the times. And that very weird long sleeve blouse under 3/4 or bracelet length blazer thing is bizarre.
Senior Attorney
Haha I love her look but I hate the show!!
We watch it because my husband is in love with her…
Anon
My husband is in love with Tea Leoni too!
all about eevee
I am loving the clothing that Bradley and Alex both wear on The Morning Show. The Alex character occasionally wears glasses.
Anonymous
Olivia Pope on Scandal.
Senior Attorney
Oh, yes.
anon
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as VEEP – my #1
Anon
Mine too!!
Anon
Hi Hive, could use some advice. I am in biglaw and increasingly unhappy. My practice group is busy in fits and starts so much of this year I was underworked and now am VASTLY overworked. Thanksgiving was spent working and all of December through Christmas will be as well. While these busy periods are the exception and not the rule, I am really getting sick of them and dream about a job that is more steady day in day out. Further, I live my life in the slow periods On borrowed time, not knowing when the other shoe will drop and I’ll get soul-crushingly busy again, which is tough mentally in a different way.
So, hive, give me your thoughts: does a relatively steady 9-5 job exist in corporate law? I’m worried that if I go in house, I will be subject to the same schedule and demands but for less pay. The issue is with my clients and their demands generally (not my firm), so I don’t think changing to another firm would be helpful. I’m just feeling extremely burnt out and sick of this but am afraid to take myself out of the biglaw rat race. I am a sixth year and think I have a shot at partnership in the next few years. Maybe just feeling like I should transition into something that’s not client services (ie not a lawyer).
Anon
This is the nature of law esp biglaw and client service. What department are you in? My experience was the same and it was litigation — you went from billing 300+ hrs/mo to billing 60 hrs/mo when cases went away or settled and there wasn’t any case that you could immediately jump on as a senior associate and then of course at 60 you were terrified that you’d not make your hrs for the year (even though we had no minimum technically) so then you almost breathed a sigh of relief when the next 300 hr month came.
Yes balance does exist. In house can be busy (and frankly it is not longer the 9-5 in house of yesteryear because salaries are much higher and your clients (the business ppl) expect your availability), but it can still be a “steady” 50 or 60 hrs/wk, not 10 hrs one week followed by 100 the next. Government has the most 9-5 pace but it isn’t for everyone experience-wise or personality wise. Different firms can be different too. In retrospect the problem at my firm was that the litigation partners didn’t bring in enough business, so everyone was waiting for the giant case to come in and when it did, it was off to the races and when it ended it was famine. I think there are places (where litigation or whatever your dept is) is a bigger fish, where they consistently have work so it’s not feast or famine. I have friends who went from biglaw to regional biglaw or midlaw and yes it was a paycut but their lives are much steadier now. They tell me that by 8 pm their offices are empty and even after 7 pm the only people who are there are those who have a depo or hearing or something the next day. If you like firm life aside from this aspect, TBH I’d try another firm. If it doesn’t work, what do you lose? Those other in house/gov’t options are not going anywhere and they aren’t any easier to get now vs. 18 mos from now. But with firm life there is a window of opportunity, as a 6th year you’re right in it. If you go do something else and then in year 10 decide maybe a different firm is worth a shot, it will be VERY hard to get a second look by any of the firms that’d totally consider you now.
Anon
Thank you for your response! I think perhaps part of this is I’m NYC biglaw (if that wasn’t clear)—its the only place I’ve practiced so it’s all I know, but it does seem extreme and I can’t help but hope that not all lawyers are either twiddling their thumbs and leaving at 2pm or working round the clock through holidays. Perhaps a new city is in my future. I may post tomorrow as well. Thank you!