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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I love a plaid blazer for fall. Even though it feels like time has no meaning anymore, I’m told that we will progress to autumn eventually, so let’s prepare, shall we?
This single-button blazer is a great length for wearing over skinny pants or jeans. I would probably wear it with a black blouse and black ankle pants, but I think you could also try to bring in some color with a bright blouse underneath.
The blazer is part of the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale and is $65.90, marked down from $99. It was originally available in sizes 1X–4X, but unfortunately, 1X has sold out. Plaid Blazer
This similar blazer from Chelsea28 comes in sizes XXS–XXL and is $99.
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Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
SSJD
Great blazer!
Looking for undershirts with very short sleeves (or maybe cap sleeves). I wear Uniqlo Airism undershirts all summer. But the sleeves peek through some of my short sleeved tops. Do you know of anything that offers a shorter sleeve? I don’t want to go sleeveless, because I need the armpit coverage to prevent pit stains.
Ses
I wear these for the same reason and have the same problem. The Uniqlo undershirts I have (I think they’re Airism also) are seamless, so I just cut the tops of the sleeves shorter with scissors.
I tried their sleeveless ones but as you mention, they don’t have any armpit coverage.
Hollis
I am wearing one now that fits your needs, but is a little pricey for an undershirt. It is the Eileen Fisher cap sleeve silk tee, but one size smaller than my regular size. It is thin and stretchy and the sleeves are a little too short and the length is too cropped for me to wear as a regular t-shirt, but I wear it underneath sweaters and regular shirts. I found it on sale, but if you find the right fit, you could probably find them on ebay or poshmark for cheaper also.
AnonATL
Never purchased them myself, but I have seen ads for Numi. They might have a style that fits your needs. Seem a little pricey imo
Anon
Super random but…what about Mormon temple garment tops?
Grandma was right
Pro tip: I have cotton and cotton and linen masks which, after drying, always ended up quite wrinkly. I finally started ironing them…and it’s great! They are more comfortable and look better. It’s a little bit of pain, but I find it worth it. Wanted to share in case it helps anyone else.
anonshmanon
Ironing is also great for sanitizing.
Anonymous
Wait is ironing a grandma thing? Do other people not iron? I don’t iron everything to stay home but even casual stuff often looks better with a quick iron.
NY CPA
I have a professional steamer, so I use that instead of ironing. So much quicker and less of a hassle than getting out the ironing board, etc. Was pricey but so worth it!
However, I havent ironed or steamed a single thing since March so…
A
Me too, steam everything now
Husband bought some huge Jiffy steamer that I thought was ridiculously expensive and now I use 3-4 times a week
Cat
I am one of those weird people who enjoys ironing. I find it therapeutic.
Vicky Austin
I do too! It’s just gearing up to do it where I stumble.
Anon
I love ironing. Very satisfying to get rid of wrinkles. However, I haven’t owned an iron / ironing board since I moved out of my parents house.
Seventh Sister
I love ironing, but I don’t have a full-size board or a bunch of free time. I’m also tremendously spoiled because we have the world’s least expensive dry cleaner, so I send in stuff I could easily do on my own. It’s a good life skill, I should remember to teach the kid how to do it.
Anon
I don’t own an iron (but I don’t have a job where I need to wear fancy clothes).
Anon
Huh. I guess I’ve never worried about whether my mask is “wrinkly” or not. I wear the pleated kind, so it’s not as if it’s perfectly smooth anyway. I see this as on par with curling the ends of your hair…I don’t really GAF, and don’t understand people who do.
Ann
+1
Could not care less
(I even like ironing but I also don’t care enough to iron my work clothes let alone my masks)
Cat
FWIW, the ironing actually helps my masks be more comfortable after washing, it’s not just an aesthetics thing. Smoothing out the pleats crisply on the inside and out helps the fabric stay structured and not cling to my lips when I’m talking.
Senior Attorney
I’ve been ironing my masks on the weekends and I find it strangely soothing. And I think the masks are more comfortable when they’re ironed than when they’re wrinkly.
pugsnbourbon
In high school I had a couple tops that I would iron – I also found it soothing. Granted I had rampant untreated anxiety at the time – but there are worse ways to self-medicate, I guess.
Anon
So I was plugging along and slowly savings towards a down payment in my VVHCOL city, planning for it to take 4-5 more years. Then I very unexpectedly got an inheritance — not private plane sized, but enough for 1.5 down payments. I don’t want to buy right this second because I think prices in my area will drop over the next year, and I have an amazing deal on a rent stabilized apartment that I love. I will jump on it if the perfect apartment comes on the market for a good price, but I don’t want to buy something I like less than my cheap-ish rental. I might end up staying at my current place for another few years since the monthly cost of renting is about $1k cheaper than owning a comparable apartment will be… but I’d like to have a paid off apartment when I retire.
What do I do with the money meanwhile? I’m in my mid-30s. My retirement is maxed out annually (including Roth), I paid off my student loans already (yay), and I have no vehicle and don’t want one — I have no financial goals other than owning a home and perhaps having the option to retire a bit early (in my 50s). My retirement money is 100% in stocks, and my currently existing emergency fund and down payment fund is in vanguard bond funds and money markets funds, which I’ve been happy with. Now, I will have about 40% retirement money and 60% non-retirement. I don’t know that I feel comfortable putting that 60% entirely in bonds/MM and missing out on any stock growth, especially if I end up not buying for 5-10 years, but at the same time I worry about the market crashing right when I’m ready to buy. What would you do?
Anonymous
If you are planning to use that money in the short-ish term, you should be invested in a very low risk product — like money market fund. With today’s interest rates, you won’t make much. On the flip side, the money will be there to take advantage of an opportunity when it comes along. The money is an inheritance that you were not expecting that you want to use to purchase your home — don’t get greedy and risk losing a portion on it.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
You need a financial advisor. This is not something I would outsource to the Internets. Make sure they are a fiduciary.
Diana Barry
IMO (just one person’s opinion, YMMV and all that) the market is v. high right now. I would keep it in cash or in a CD or money market so that you can easily access it for your down payment when the right place comes along.
Anon
I’m pretty confident if (and when, oh please, pretty please…) the dems win in November we’re going to have a [temporary but potentially sizable] dip. I’m no day trader, but I’m counting on that day for my next investment in the market.
Anonymous
Hahahahaha “I’m no day trader but” I’m a ignore literally all the advice and try to time the market.
Anon
Deep breath, please. I was validating DB’s comment that the market is v, v high right now, and adding a further comment that volatility is thought to be imminent, at a minimum triggered by the election if not other global events. Many intelligent people have concluded that if November goes blue that there will be a dip – probably a knee jerk reaction to any number of things, but a dip. The market is begging for a correction and that could be enough to tip the scale.
And a bit about me: I don’t touch my investments. I don’t play the market. But I do have a little extra cash I’m sitting on that has no short or long term need but growth (UNLIKE OP, who shouldn’t play any games at all given her needs and goals). But my risk-averse self is willing to wait until the election to see if I can time it right for once in my life because I hope/think/pray the election goes blue, which would lead to a dip and probably a meaningful one. And if it doesn’t, then I just invest the money anyway. This plan is good for me and clearly not for you. But I’m hardly a “ignore literally all the advice and try to time the market”.
FWIW this isn’t’ a political post. I am bleeding blue. But we’re not perceived to be pro-corporation/profits like republicans and that will hit company earnings, which will impact values and the market. The market is emotional, and responds accordingly to change.
Anonymous
Ok have fun!
Anon
Markets typically dip before an election and bounce after. You can look it up. The only scenario I see with a big post-election crash is if the winner is unknown or the winner is Biden but Trump refuses to concede. Which are certainly real possibilities, but not guaranteed.
anon for this
Strongly advise you to check your priors on the “dem win means the market dips” thinking. Even Wall St is coming around to the realization that a Biden win would probably mean massive federal spending in multiple sectors that would be a boon for the economy.
anon
Very good point…and markets are forward looking anticipating growth in the next several years after coming out of a very short recession. The economy was very strong before we shut it down and will continue to recover.
Anon
It will be a repeat of the 2009-early 2017 economy, i.e. great if you’re on Wall Street and not so great anywhere else.
Anon
I actually snorted. Thanks for the laugh!
Anonymous
Any money you plan to use for a down payment in the next 18 months should not be in the market.
Anonymous
Agreed. Just let it sit. You really won’t earn any interest on it, but that is the safe course of action for now.
Senior Attorney
This. Stick it in a money market or short term CD.
Anon
I know you said prices are high right now but I think you should consider the super low interest rates right now. They may hold for another year or two or they may not. P&I in $400k at 3% is $1686. At 4% it’s $1910. It’s about $80k more interest. Just something to consider.
anon
Great point PP, mortgage rates will go up.
Senior Attorney
Yes, great point.
Anonymous
This, I am currently looking to buy and have been getting 2.75% interest rates, 2.35% with buying a point.
shananana
yes, just did a refi and am now at a 2.8 interest rate on my VA loan. Which feels crazy but am locking it in while I can!
OP
Thanks everyone! I’ll stick with something super safe for now.
And while it is true that interest rates are super low, I’m seeing all sorts of things in my specific neighborhood that makes me think prices will drop. I spoke to my broker, who has been doing real estate in this neighborhood for 25+ years and he told me to wait as well.
MJ
Money markets or a CD ladder. Do not invest in a bond fund because you think it’s safer. If rates go up, prices of bonds held in a bond fund go down, so your investment loses value.
For senior attorney
Check out this poem for your Rotary address.
Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake.
It was written for my country by our first Nobel laureate but can equally be applied to,yours.
Anonymous
That is amazing.
Anonymous
Thanks. I’m Indian and it’s my favourite.
Marie
Thank you for sharing this.
Senior Attorney
That’s beautiful. Thank you!
OP from yesterday’s “flattening the curve” post
Response to other posters as it was way too late for me yesterday. I’m the Singapore based poster.
I think it’s worthwhile to acknowledge different places have different values. Many Asians don’t mind swapping privacy rights for safety, cleanliness, total gun control, free world class schools, abortion rights, great healthcare etc. After all, that’s what we expect from “freedom”. Democracy doesn’t mean much when accompanied by poverty and violence. Maybe our grandkids will feel differently….who knows?
No one is being institutionalised here for not wearing a mask etc. Please don’t believe everything you hear on WhatsApp. Expats have had their work permits taken away though for blatant and deliberate violations.
TL;DR not everyone values democracy if it brings nothing but misery, inequality and poverty. People want Governments to help improve their future. And Singapore has done that spectacularly.
PS it’s ironic about all the privacy and freedom talk when it comes to masks when you guys might not even have the right to abortions if Trump takes back the White House. What price your freedom?
Anonymous
Just don’t spit out your gum on the sidewalk. I don’t like it when people do that here, but I also don’t think that it’s worth a loss of liberty.
anon
Singapore also executes people for drug crimes and severely restricts the rights of LGBT people so you can get out of here with your self righteousness.
Anonymous
Have you even visited ? Many countries outlaw LGBT people but no restriction on them.
But your rudeness is an example of why we don’t aspire to your “values”.
Anonymous
Ok. But you are the one who shared a reasonable view, got some reasonable discussion, and then followed up a day later to have a fight.
Anon
Yep. Posts like these make me wonder if CCP has discovered this place. How can OP not realize some people have just made a different value judgment?
Anon
Death, the price is death.
Anonymous
‘Live free *and* die’, the joke goes. (I’m in the Northeast.)
Anonymous
The US has a very heterogeneous population that includes various large intractable subgroups in abject poverty: reservations, inner cities, rural poor. I have no idea what Singapore would do with them, our large population of mentally ill homeless people, and our opium addicts. Lock them all up? Deport them? I have a feeling that they couldn’t handle them (and it’s not like we can’t, but those are headwinds to a country even where people like us get up and WFH and mask when we leave).
Anonymous
No tolerance for drugs, so the Doctors prescribing opioids would likely be jailed. And the people treated in our world class Hospitals.
We have poor people but I’ve never seen a homeless person. There are a LOT of safety nets.
Mentally ill: I suspect they would be put in special care institutions and schools. There are tons of community outreach and care homes.
Z
You’ve never seen a homeless person because you purposely don’t go where homeless people are.
Special care institutions and schools? If only. They get sent to jail because there is no room for them in places that can actually help.
Anonymous
Cr*p. This reminds me that I’ve got a bottle of some opiod from surgery in my car. Why there? I went to the controlled disposal thing at the police HQ where I usually drop things like this but due to the pandemic and riots that is closed. So it is still in my car. Is it OK to flush or put in the general trash? Otherwise, I don’t want it in my house as a nuisance item. And eventually someone will randomly break into my street-parked car (urban living), so even though the US now realizes that opiods are bad, random strays like mine that I want to dispose of safely are a challenge to dispose of safely (the other place in my city is now an hour drive away, so it’s not happening now that homeschool 2.0 has started).
Monday
Anon at 9:55 – Please dissolve them onto paper towels and then throw away. This keeps the ingredients out of the water system and the pills can never be ingested, whether accidentally or intentionally by a person or animal.
KS IT Chick
@Anon at 9:55:
Check with your local pharmacies. CVS has a takeback program at a lot of their stores but not all.
Anne
@9:55 AM. CVS will give you special disposal bag to safely dispose in the garbage. Do not flush.
Anonymous
My Walgreens will take and dispose of as well (they even took my dogs leftover cancer meds if any of you have those types of things sitting around as well)
Anon
Whereas in the US, we have the decency to put (black and brown) men convicted of drug crimes in prisons with horrific conditions where assault and abuse is commonplace. SOOOO much better.
Anon
I hear you. The U.S. essentially is entering an apartheid system for black and brown people – where voting rights are at serious risk, heavy militarization for domestic matters, physical and economic segregation, etc.
I have a feeling that a lot of the people who are adamant about their freedoms feel secure in those freedoms. And And that’s great for them. But they don’t realize there is another layer of the U.S. who aren’t really enjoying that anyway.
Anonymous
Freedom in the US is different from freedom in Singapore.
If anything, I think that the US wastes $ and human potential on how it criminalizes a lot of drug crimes. But we are nothing compared to Singapore.
OTOH, I bet Singapore would not tolerate the out of control AirBNB party house next door (clearly, their pandemic is over).
Anon
Have you read the studies on Alabama prison systems? Maybe it’s not an automatic death penalty, but we put black men in torture chambers for drug crimes.
Anonymous
That’s what I’m saying — if anything, we lock up too many people. But at least we don’t make them de jure capital crimes.
Anon
In The Handmaid’s Tale, there’s a line about the difference between “freedom to, and freedom from”. In the US, we want freedom to (fill in the blank with cherished liberty). In Singapore, they apparently want freedom from (fill in the blank with social ill).
Anon
Ding ding ding. So much of America is “freedom for all!!!!….actually, freedom for me.”
OP
That’s what I meant. Democracy is great when you’re not fighting to put food on the table.
Yesterday someone said they did not mind a few more deaths but they wouldn’t give up their privacy.
Its the poor and under privileged folk at risk, as you’re seeing in the US. Who cares, right?
AIMS
I think there are trade offs to everything. Singapore has a lot of good policies. It also has a lot of bad policies. What (admittedly little) I’ve read about its treatment of migrant workers and how they were locked away this spring is horrible. That said, the US has also been horrible their this crisis and with much worse results. I am deeply worried about his election. But I can worry about these things and also recognize that there are other approaches that are problematic, albeit in different ways. And as you say, culture plays a big role. Different countries have different norms that make certain policies more suited than others. It’s hard to compare, say, the US and Iceland (which also handled this much better). And no it doesn’t help when our current leadership exploits the cultural issues for their political ends. But that doesn’t mean I wish I was living in Singapore. Germany, maybe… :)
Anonymous
This. You don’t have to go all Singapore level restrictive to have a better covid situation. Basically every other western democratic country is doing much better than the US.
Anonymous
https://www.eco-business.com/news/hotels-used-to-house-singapores-migrant-workers-as-covid-19-cases-continue-to-surge/
We treat migrants better than you treat yours.Always had a lot of respect for your opinions till now. Please educate yourself by reading, not by “ I heard that…”.
Aren’t you a lawyer? Shouldn’t you check ?
All migrant workers have been given free treatment. Only one has died.
ANON
She said she had read about it. What is your problem this morning?
It is also so much easier to say we handled it better when “we” is an island with a much smaller population and generally wealthier.
Anonymous
Dude, even India is doing better than you guys.
ANON
I’d like to compare their testing numbers. I doubt they’ve tested as many people so of course they have fewer cases.
Anon
Yeah sorry India is not doing better than the US at controlling the spread. They just have way less testing. Their random antibody testing shows 70% of people in Mumbai slums have antibodies. The hardest hit areas of the US like NYC are only showing ~25% with antibodies. Lower death rates can be explained by many things including underreporting of deaths and a younger, less obese population.
The US is doing terribly compared to pretty much all developed countries, but the statement about India is just not true.
Anon Probate Atty
+1
Vicky Austin
This is an unnecessarily combative response to a thoughtful and considered opinion. AIMS stated outright she doesn’t know everything about this situation. I don’t think this is anything to lose respect for her over.
Anonymous
Wait are you literally Singapore? Is this the prime minister? Welcome to the US where when you post something aggressive and absolutist, others are allowed to disagree!
AIMS
You’re really dialing this up to 11 pretty quickly, huh?
I probably shouldn’t engage but as I am “lawyer” so…
1) look at the words “from what I’ve read” in my post (read, as in not “heard”). Sources: CNN (“Tens of Thousands of Singapore’s Migrant Workers are Infected. The Rest are Stuck in Their Dorms as the Country Opens Up”); Foreign Policy Magazine (“Singapore Locks Away Migrants in Pandemic Fight”).
2) also look at the words “admittedly little” – I am always happy to read more! But from what I could read of the article you linked to before it cut off (not registering for this one, sorry), it’s not really great. Maybe you don’t see why?
3) you keep making the argument about what US does wrong. I agree with you that the US treats its migrant workers like sh*t. The whole world does. That doesn’t make what other countries do ‘better’.
Anyway, I am going to try to stop engaging in this conversation. With all the anonymous posts, I can’t even tell if the OP post (at 930) is the same as the post as the anonymous post at 939.
Anon
I don’t know why you think it’s important to post this again unless it’s just to get a rise out of people. “Different places have different values” pretty much sums up yesterday’s responses to you. Some people agreed with the safety/freedom balance in Singapore as you interpreted it, some people didn’t and said they were glad to live somewhere with different values, understanding there is a cost to both. The balance between societal order/safety and civil rights is a continuum, and reasonable people will disagree. Were you somehow offended that not everyone was fawning all over Singapore yesterday? We must have misunderstood, otherwise we would have done? No, sorry. I understand, I just don’t place the same relative value on safety vs. civil liberties.
Anonymous
I reposted to address the hypocrisy and double standards that I felt w
Anonymous
Okay Ms. Singapore 2020! I’m sure your country is perfect just like you.
Anon
This whole thread is reminding me of the many times when someone who is from Singapore or who lives in Singapore has explained to me everything that’s great about Singapore. For all I know, Singapore is actually the best, and that’s why I’ve heard about how great it is so many times!
Cat
Well put.
Anonymous
It was the hypocrisy and double standards I was addressing. But it’s too deep rooted.
My bad.
cbackson
Honestly, there’s hypocrisy in your post too – you’re lambasting people for not accepting that Singaporeans are comfortable with a different balance between freedom and security, but then you’re insulting Americans for… being comfortable with a different balance between freedom and security. I appreciated your post yesterday as an interesting insight into how a country with different values and history had handled this, but today it feels like you’re just hear to fight.
Anonymous
Didn’t see the discussion yesterday, but I’m from Singapore originally and currently live in the US. What this has shown me is that every country has its issues, and they are different issues. Also, blanket statements like ‘Asians accept X in exchange for Y’ is about as precise as saying ‘Americans like guns’. There’s a kernel of truth – many people in general would be happy to trade some freedoms for other protections, but it’s pretty obvious that there’s a wide spectrum of opinions in each country.
Plus, Singapore may have handled the pandemic relatively well, but it’s not a binary choice between authoritarian restrictions and dumpster fire. I’d prefer the balanced successes of New Zealand or Taiwan, but those successes are built on decades of cultural and societal norms, open debate, and specific factors (low population density and/ or homogeneous populations). Why can’t we have both LGBT rights and public cleanliness? Why can’t we both treat migrant workers well and have control over our own bodies?
Anon
I posted too late last time, but think its relevant to point out re: data privacy that there is considerable coverage that at least in the US, government bodies/police can simply BUY your data from private companies, circumventing the need for a warrant. So just because you’re using private services does NOT mean the government can’t access all your data. Keep in mind also that this can be quite sophisticated, including who you have met in person if you’re phones are both on, etc. The safest thing to do is leave your phone at home if you want to not be on the radar (and decouple your car from your phone, if you have that kind of car system).
Anon Probate Atty
Your smugness is not a good look. As a previous poster stated, it’s much easier to control an outbreak on a relatively small island with a population of 5.2 million versus a giant country with a population of 328.2 million. Take a seat.
Anon
Please. She doesn’t need to take a seat. We handled this poorly. We could have done so much better. No need to come up with excuses for this type of incompetence.
Anon Probate Atty
Both can be true. We handled this poorly AND it’s easier to control an outbreak on an island with 1.7% the population of the US. There’s no need to be smug.
Anon
Yup. We handled this terribly, but I’m exhausted by the comparisons to tiny islands like Singapore and New Zealand. They are not comparable!
Anon
With the caveat that I’m burnt out after a grueling year of disaster after disaster after disaster.
I’ve worked in government my entire career. I love it and the sense of purpose that it provides and I don’t think I’d enjoy the private sector. The type of government work I do is often “front lines” and is always involved whenever it gets bad, so in a year of a pandemic, civil unrest, and severe weather it has been a lot. I’ve loved being involved, serving the community, and getting to do some very cool and impactful work. However, to do that work I’ve frequently worked 12-18 hour days, weekends, holidays, and overnight shifts. Due to the shift rotation I’ve had a few days where I’ve ended up being awake for over 30 hours. I’ve worked 20 days straight without a day off. I’ve always been working from the office. I’ve, at times, been exposed to hundreds of people a day. I’ve missed time with family and friends because of work.
The work I love, the hours I accept, but the pay is awful. Yes, I get overtime but as I always say when you don’t make much, your overtime still isn’t much.
Normally I suck it up but recently two things are bothering me. 1) how little I make, especially compared to what friends make. I’m working on life or death scenarios meanwhile my friends are marketing non essential items? Working to make very rich companies even richer? 2) after everything people I work with have done, people are being idiots and ignoring Covid rules. It’s a slap in the face to people who worked like maniacs and people who follow the rules to have these spikes in cases because people just had to go to parties, etc. I was supposed to be off next week, but a third degree connection tested positive. I’m quarantining until the second and first degree connections get results but I swear to god if this idiot ruins my much needed week off…
I’ve always made both career and personal decisions by considering the greater good. This week it just feels like very few others are and I’m shouldering more of the burden than others and no one seems to care.
Anon
You are shouldering more of the burden, it’s completely unfair, and FWIW, this stranger cares. It’s inexcusable that so many act like the pandemic is over while never once acknowledging the extreme burden placed on others. Thank you for the work you do.
PolyD
I hear you, too. So many people are trying so hard to get us through this, and then we have dummies at all levels of leadership basically negating all that work.
I hope you get the time off you need. Don’t know what to say about the salary issues, but it’s perfectly all right to pivot to the private sector or another public sector job with more money and better condition. There’s no prize for working yourself to exhaustion.
Anon
Can you get a better paying greater good job? Perhaps in policy or management? Hubs and I are both very much save the world type people but we left non profit jobs behind in favour of government ones because we wanted more financial stability. I similarly will never work for a corporation, but this compromise worked very well for me.
anon
Congrats? No one is forcing you to be a martyr. You don’t get extra brownie points for choosing a career that doesn’t pay well. You seem really smug, especially when you dismiss your friends’ work as unimportant and call this third degree connection an idiot.
Anon
I mean my friends straight up admit that they get paid a lot to not do anything important.
And yes, anyone who doesn’t follow the (in my opinion reasonable) covid restrictions in my area while cases are climbing is an idiot. My potential exposure is a guy going to house parties. That behavior is idiotic.
Career wise my struggle is that if everyone doing this work decides its not worth it, then what? If everyone chases the big paycheck instead of helping professions then our society is screwed.
Monday
I hear you, and am in a similar situation. I work in social services/mental health/substance use for a non-profit hospital, serving low-income patients almost exclusively. Right now our patient load is off the charts, but the message from management is “we’re losing money, do more.” (This is because Covid-safe programming is billable at lower rates than our regular offerings.) I have no idea how we as front-lines workers are supposed to be accountable for making up revenue that was lost due to a global pandemic, and I’m angry that it’s presented as our problem to solve while we are working harder than ever and stretched thinner than ever. We have no merit raises this year and are not allowed to hire for any net new positions.
I’ve had to really think about what is on me, and what isn’t. When you say “what if nobody works in social services because of the pay?” you’re not wrong, but you’re taking on the weight of the world. These are gigantic structural problems that no one person can take on. It’s no surprise that people in our roles feel responsible, but at the end of the day we are not. And we aren’t much good to anyone if we irreversibly burn out.
If you can manage to stay in the field, awesome. Do it and feel proud. But if you need to go, do it and keep your guilt in perspective.
anon
Worth a read: https://www.newyorker.com/books/under-review/the-bullshit-job-boom
Monday
Didn’t read the review, but I have read the book and strongly recommend it. “Bullshit Jobs.” OP, it may boost your morale about having a job that helps people in a concrete, immediate way…
Anon
I love R29s money diaries and there are so many young people with nebulous job titles making 6 figures. Good for them but it blows my mind!!
Anon
” Workers cram in Netflix binges, online purchases, takeout meals, and yoga classes as rewards for yet another day of the demoralizing bullshit work that sustains such life styles.”
I’m not sure whether I feel seen or attacked.
Anonymous
A third degree connection? So, you know someone, who knows someone, who has Covid? Why on earth would you quarantine? That’s not the advice anyone is giving. That’s just being a martyr.
Anon
The connection is my sisters boyfriends brother. The boyfriend and the brother live together and my sister and I spent the entire weekend together.
Had I known the bf’s brother was going out so much (like going to parties many nights a week) I would have kept my distance from my sister.
Sister and boyfriend are getting tested. But, if my sister is positive, I’ve been exposed. Since I’ve had a possible exposure, I need to stay home until I know her status.
Ellen
It never pays to have a boyfreind that goes out to have a good time, b/c when they go out, they meet other people, and even if they do not get the disease, they may find someone else that they will become a boyfreind with. At worst, they have s-x with the other one, and bring back disease to you. We should NOT tolerate boyfreinds that look at other women, let alone have s-x with them. FOOEY on them.
Cat
+1, that is way too attenuated of a connection to worry about.
Anon
Yeah if sister and boyfriend aren’t positive then I’m not concerned in the least. I just think it’s very possible that boyfriend got it from brother and have it to my sister.
Cat
why not get tested yourself? Turnaround times are shorter than they were earlier this summer, just a few days rather than 10+. At this point it’s been long enough since your own potential exposure that positive results would show up.
Anonymous
You are doing the right thing. You’ll know sooner since their tests are out already and that’s less burden on a system with poor testing capabilities, And no, she shouldn’t be out and about in the meantime. This is literally how spread happens and why contact tracing occurs.
Anonymous
My mom is a retired teacher. It is a really rewarding job in some ways. I think she preferred teaching in a private school, where she had to teach to one prepared and ready-to-learn class with supportive parents and no discipline problems (as awful as my job is, no one gets to hit me; that isn’t true for teachers and if you’re a small woman, a violent child can really hurt you). She was in special ed. Private school special ed pays poorly but everything else is better. Public school special ed and general ed pay better, have free healthcare, have pensions, but everything else was degrees of difference in terms of awfulness. And, above all else, she could not have afforded basic adult life without being married to a stable earner (she lives in the NEUS where school sizes are getting smaller and budgets routinely fail and got laid off for budget reasons rather suddenly a couple of times for what I understand are contract-based seniority rules, especially if you aren’t tenured). And as a kid, I had no interest in a career like this where, sadly, you are either valued and paid very poorly or not valued and paid merely poorly. I don’t blame you for throwing in the towel if that is what you do. Like they say on planes, put on your oxygen mask first, because if you don’t take care of yourself, you cannot help others.
anon
Fellow public servant here and I feel your pain. No advice, just commiseration. I appreciate you and am right here shouldering the burden with you <3
Anon for this
Same. It sucks.
Also, hearing people blow off small things that like… you’ve literally spent your life working on? It’s hard. I’ve spent my career in Health Care Policy and hearing people blow off huge ideas or explain overly simplistically… it’s enough to break your soul.
My self care has been getting off Facebook in favor of a language learning app. Would recommend.
Anon
Yes I’m off all social media and it’s great! (Who knew i wasn’t going to miss Instagram?!)
While I’ve been working a lot with covid, I have no health background. I can only imagine what it’s like for folks who have been working in public health and are experts and have their knowledge negated by what Aunt Janet posted on Facebook.
Sloan Sabbith
Not being on any social media has been a total saving grace during COVID. As a high-risk person who follows others with my same condition on Instagram (many of who want to be chronic illness influencers), I’m 100% sure that Instagram would be a toxic place for me right now. Even my bookstagram account has influencers.
Anon
Also a career long public servant but my hours have always been relatively reasonable in my current role. I’m reaching an end point with the low pay and have started looking into private sector roles though now is obviously not the best time for that. I’m hopeful something comes up in the next 6-12 months but that may be foolishly optimistic.
Anon
Yes! In normal times I work a 37.5 hour week. It’s still not necessarily worth it
Anonymous
Gently, if you’re underpaid and overworked and this unhappy, you need a new job. Public service is admirable, but you resent the public and you’re running yourself ragged. People have public service careers because the non-monetary benefits, including quality of life and job satisfaction, make it worth it. It’s not worth it to you. And that’s ok!
You know what’s great about not making enough money? It’s easy to get a job that pays more. The door is not even locked. You can leave at any time.
Can you make more money and have a better life doing something else? Do it. Really.
Anon
My issue is that I want to do what I do, I love what I do, and I would not feel fulfilled in the private sector. I just wish that our society recognized the importance of some of these jobs and paid accordingly. My colleagues and I refer to this type of work as more of a calling than a job, if that helps you visualize the connection I have to this work.
Normally I’m not cranky or resentful but the combination of the length/intensity of this response, the inability to relieve stress as I normally would (going out to bars with friends, getting Facials/massages, Going to the gym, and traveling) are currently no-go’s, the fact that I’m already underpaid and then I got a paycut, and the fact that this is preventable if we only had a president who wasn’t an imbecile and members of the public who could follow rules…
I have absolutely zero interest in the private sector, I just wish that my efforts were compensated reasonably. The combo of burning the candle at both ends while getting a pay cut while seeing people go to bars, go on vacation, etc. and learning that I have friends for whom their bonus is my annual salary is just getting to me today. I didn’t go into my line of work to get rich, but I also don’t like adding insult to injury which is what 2020 feels like.
Anon at 1039
I hear you and I feel for you, but youre not being entirely reasonable here. What I’m hearing is that you’d love your job if the world was a totally different place and people valued your contributions. But you can’t change that and at some point, you have to take care of yourself.
Few jobs are perfect, we all have to live with trade-offs. I wish my job was more meaningful, but I’m not underpaid or under- appreciated or overworked.
I really urge you to re-examine things. Can this “calling” be fulfilled in a volunteer capacity? Is their an element of identity tied up in the fact that this is “life or death important” work? Do you need that more than free time and money?
I’m not saying you need to quit your job because you’re having a rough few weeks and need a break. If that’s all it is than by all means, take your vacation and enjoy and get back to work. But this seems like so much more than that.
anon a mouse
Fellow public servant here – I don’t have the same disaster work intensity as you, but I definitely feel the overworked for underpaid issue. Like you, I could make significantly more $ in the private sector, but I don’t see myself happy working to line someone else’s pockets and the mission really matters to me. (I also greatly appreciate the cheap health insurance and stellar retirement.)
It sounds like you need a break — a real one, where you disconnect from work for several days at a minimum. Maybe travel isn’t possible right now, but I strongly encourage you to unplug and go on leave for as much as you can muster. If you need to, make it clear to your boss that you are pulling from your reserves and need to recharge.
Anon
Yes!!! I always say that I could never get past having a job that makes rich people richer! I truly think I would hate it (probably worth noting that my values are often at odds with the world I live in)
I took today off and my upcoming leave will consist of me being 100% checked out of all things work and world related.
Like I said , I don’t think I’ll ever change sectors. I honestly think that the dumpster fire of 2020 is just hitting particularly hard since it’s been my life 24/7 since March. When the world returns to normal, I don’t think I’ll be as frustrated by the reality.
The disconnect mildly bothered me before (much like people still using disposable water bottles or the fact that it felt like no one else cared about the Uyghurs until this spring or the fact that kids in underfunded inner city schools never have the chances they deserve bother me) but never to this extreme but 2020 is an anomaly and being angrier or more stressed this year is to be expected.
Anon
There are all kinds of trade offs in public vs private sector jobs. In your sector, layoffs are very unusual. They’re an everyday occurrence in the private sector. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons private pays more – it’s a risk premium, just as volatile stocks have to produce a higher return to attract investors.
I think you’re assuming a lot about what it’s like to work in the private sector. It’s a grass is greener situation.
Anon
Do you actually have to quarantine for a third degree connection? I have not heard this, and I’m in a former hotspot where I definitely had 3rd degree connections who were positive (I’m assuming you mean acquaintance of an acquaintance of an acquaintance?)
Anon
Agreed. You do not need to quarantine for a 3rd degree connection.
Anonanonanon2
No. I’m a public health professional, the contact of a contact does not need to quarantine. The contact of a contact would not be contacted in a contact investigation (can I say contact any more times?)
Sloan Sabbith
You sound really burned out, and somewhat depressed- I say this as someone with some experience with both as some on this board may remember. Burnout can definitely exhibit itself as resentments at clients or the work that spreads to resentment of everyone. Laura Van Der Noot Lipsky has some good stuff about trauma stewardship and burnout, although when I was super burned out the last thing I wanted to do was to read a book where someone said “You’re burned out.” You don’t say?
That being said: I’m also in public service, but even though I liked the idea of my job, I hated my actual job for about 18 months in 2017/2018 to the point that I was miserable at work and cried most nights. I stuck it out due to a combination of factors that meant I was not able to put a significant amount of effort into job searching, including significant health issues of my own, but I was ready to move into a less stressful government role where I never had to do direct work and would make a lot more money (for significantly less stressful or urgent work.) I also didn’t feel like I’d fit in well to the private sector and very much wanted to stay in the public sector.
As a mentor, who had also gone from my work to a government role told me: It’s OK to find a job where you have less life or death work- it doesn’t mean you’re less helpful to others or less committed to public service. In public service, the contract manager is just as important as the frontline staff in making sure everything gets done, and everyone works together towards a shared goal.
I’m rooting for you- 2020 sucks and I appreciate all the work you’ve been doing.
About the vacation- I also had to miss my vacation for a COVID reason and I was devastated even though vacation was not going to be anything super fun. I ended up working the whole week and will take the week after Labor Day off. Totally sucks. Do something nice for yourself if you do end up having to miss it.
Anonymous
I think you have gotten some good advice — come back and read it once you have had a couple of well deserved days off. Acknowledging that you are overworked, you are coming across as very resentful. I think that is a big signal to re-evaluate your job given it is so much of your identity. You can make a difference for the greater good in so many different ways that I think you owe it to yourself to assess whether what you are doing now is the best fit for you. Maybe you need a break for a while and can come back to it later in your career. Can you look at the alternatives — teaching, consulting, etc? Having a calling means listening deeply and carefully to what your soul/body/mind are telling you collectively. Maybe its time for a change. Thank you for what you are doing.
Anon
No advice but I think it’s telling that everyone who mentions they’re also public sector feels the same way and commiserates and everyone who works in the private sector says to find a new job, etc.
Which is probably endemic of a larger problem
anon
Yeah it bums me out to see so many people telling a smart, capable person to give up on public service and choose money over meaning.
Overlooked?
I’m trying to get promoted at work, and unfortunately I work at a company that is very informal – no performance reviews at all, so as a result the promotion process is heavily politicized.
Also my group is entirely male except me.
This year, two people in another office were promoted, but no one from my office was. While I am the newest employee at my own office at my level, and there are 2 others (let’s call them X and Y) at my level who have been at the firm for longer, I have as much or more experience in total years, AND I also got my MBA 2 years ago. Many of my friends my same year from MBA have gotten promoted, and I wanted to approach my boss for a promotion in early 2021 as well.
As part of that process, I am going around to my team and asking for feedback and for their support when I talk to my boss. One mid-level person said, “You 100% deserve to get promoted, I will talk to the partners for you and support you.”
But another mid-level person gave me terrible advice– he basically told me to wait my turn because “this is X’s year to make or break.” He gave me no feedback on performance, because he and I both know that I’m the best performer in my cohort and among the most talented. HOWEVER – in the same conversation, he talked about how he (successfully) pushed for his own promotion over a person who’d been at the firm for longer, and also of course another person who’d only been at the firm for 2 years had been promoted this year over X.
That conversation really made me angry and upset…he is basically asking me to do my job for 3.5 years before a promotion, when the normal amount is 2, and when he and another colleague had pushed to be promoted after 2. The fact that I’m the only woman, and in my early 30s, makes this situation much more difficult, because I found out this year I have diminished ovarian reserve, so actually his ask is much bigger than he may realize, because he is also asking me to delay family planning by one more year.
Overall I feel like he’s trying to hold me back because it’s more convenient for him. I’m going to push ahead in my bid to get promoted, it’s just extremely frustrating and offensive to me that these men are giving me advice that they IN THE SAME CONVERSATION acknowledged they did not follow. “My career leaps work for me, but not for you” kind of thing. UGH!
Anonymous
I think he’s giving you a realistic view of your chances for promotion. You wanting it won’t make it happen.
Cat
So one person gave you irritating advice – is there more to the story since you’re referring to “these men”?
Is X friends with the mid-level you spoke with? It sounds like that mid-level either (1) wants their friend promoted rather than you, or (2) has insights into company politics about X’s chances this year.
In either case it’s not a personal attack.
But if it’s (1) I would proceed with advocating for myself, and if (2) take a second to “read the room” on your chances this year.
Overlooked?
The frustrating thing for me is that this person is giving me advice that he himself did not follow. He advocated really hard for himself to be promoted, AHEAD of someone else who’d been there for longer. Two people did that this year. But they suggest I don’t?
He’s a mid-level, so he has no idea of my chances for promotion. The only people whose opinions matter are to some extent, the partners, but more importantly, our chief investment officer. I have a view that our CIO will prefer to promote me over X, because (1) I am more qualified, X has been at the firm for 5+ years and not been promoted because people are on the fence about him, and (2) I am more capable and harder to replace because I am a minority woman of color, which is very hard to find in my industry.
It’s just very tough for me because my group is full of VERY pushy, aggressive men who pound the table for themselves. And one of these men is telling me to “be quiet and wait your turn” — advice he himself would NEVER take and said as much. He acknowledged I can push for it this year, but my sense if it’s more convenient for him if I wait so that they can keep another person happy — when it was his very promotion that made X unhappy in the first place.
In my view, you can’t talk out of both sides of your mouth. It’s either about fairness, and seniority matters, or it’s about merit, which they already put their stake on the ground here when they promoted two people this year over others who’d been here for longer. It seems ludicrous that it’s about merit for some peoples’ promotion, but it’s about fairness for me.
I appreciate the feedback here though. I will proceed with advocating and also make sure to read the room which I’m continuing to do as I have these conversations!
Cat
With this additional info it sounds like you’re judging his advice correctly – self-interested. Go forth with good judgment :)
Overlooked
Thank you! :) I appreciate your feedback!
Anonyz
You shouldn’t be taking career advice from someone who stands to benefit from your failure, whatever their gender.
anon
This. Advocate for yourself. Instead of polling this group and asking their support for your promotion, be discreet, formulate your strategy and go after the promotion you want. You don’t need their advice and you don’t need to tell everyone your career strategy.
Anonymous
You’re getting good advice – I’d also note that unless your MBA friends are at the same company, it’s not really relevant that they are getting promoted in 2 years and you deserve that too. Different places have different schedules, and no one “deserves” a promotion, per se.
Anon
+1 It’s totally unreasonable to compare somebody else’s promotion at a different company to your own (or lack thereof). OP, I think the advice to work on reading the room is good for you.
Overlooked
Actually, I’m on a fairly generic “track” in finance. It’s very normal to work 2-3 years pre-MBA, and work 2-3 years post-MBA and then be promoted to vice president. This is pretty much standard across the business, at most private equity firms. It’s like how law is also pretty generic in terms of the partner track. There may be some small tweaks here and there, but the general idea is the same.
Anonymous
I’m the one who made the original comment, and I too am in finance (PE adjacent). Promotions are just not meted out by time. You have to prove your value.
Overlooked
I hear you. But I have talked to many people who have told me I absolutely deserve the promotion. The issue here is not about merit, because people vocally acknowledge I deserve it. The issue here is that one person is asking me to wait, when he himself did not, thereby hoping that I’m passive and obedient because it would be better for him.
Anon
+100
You getting an MBA doesn’t merit a promotion unless you can demonstrate how it has benefited the firm. Period.
Anonie
I wish you well in getting your promotion! I will say, I don’t understand why you would ask peers for their input on why you do or don’t deserve a promotion or even on when to request one…I thought raise and promotion conversations were private between an employee, his or her boss, grandbosses, and HR. I am in a similar position of waiting on a raise/promotion and I would never loop in a peer for such a personal discussion unless they were an extremely close work friend of perhaps many years.
Overlooked
I really appreciate hearing about this, it’s so interesting to see how promotions work so differently at each place. For my group, I don’t have a manager even: we all work for the partners, who work for our CIO. Technically, promotion decisions are up to the CIO, however as I am junior, he will lean heavily on the partners’ feedback, so I do have to kind of go on this campaign of trying to get at least 1-2 partners to “champion” and “pound the table” for me. As part of that campaign, I have to get some of the mid-level executives to confirm to the partners that I am doing a good job. It is kind of this feedback loop, where I need A to confirm to B I do a great job, then B will say good words about me to our CIO, who is the one I will ultimately request a promotion from – but I can’t go to the CIO until I have more consensus from the partners to support me, and the partners will ask the mid-level execs. So that’s why it is kind of this feedback loop and I have to try to generate some consensus.
Anonie
That makes more sense. Best wishes to you! My only recommendation would be to seek out a partner or two with whom you can build a strong relationship. Perhaps you could then have someone higher in the ranks, to speak, advocating for you down the road.
Hollis
The saying “the squeaky wheel gets the grease” is absolutely true when it comes to promotions. You have to be your own advocate and the whole “wait your turn” or “stay in your lane” bullsh-t that they feed to women is partly why there are very few women in the C-suite! Do not buy into that. Advocate for yourself hard and don’t let those guys minimize your achievements or think that you’re willing to wait around forever. Even my own managing partner at my firm told me that the people who get paid the most at our firm are the ones who are pains in the -sses. As you know, timing is everything, so if there’s a good time for you to be pushing for a promotion (in your case, the time is now), GO FOR IT and don’t let people second-guess you.
Overlooked
I completely agree!! This is how it is in my company too. I deserve this promotion, people have literally told me as much. They’re just saying I should “wait” hoping that I’ll be more passive and obedient than they are themselves, and that I’ll keep letting them go by me. NOPE! I will definitely advocate for myself. Thank you!
pugsnbourbon - paging budget workwear
I’d written another comment yesterday about workwear on a budget but it got eaten.
With the caveat that I am not a lawyer: don’t forget about Macy’s for suits – they have tons of options. I’ve gotten a couple interview suits there and I paid less than $100 all-in for each. They also have petite and plus sizes.
For tops/shells for under blazers – this is where I’d cheap out the most. Old Navy, Target and Loft on sale.
Shoes – check out 6pm dot com. It’s Zappos’ bargain-basement cousin. Searching for black leather pumps under $50 returns about 300 options.
Finally – TJMaxx dot com is a good source for sheath dresses. I’ve found two Tahari sheath dresses, with sleeves, for less than $40 each.
pugsnbourbon
Also – this came up under sale items at Macy’s. I don’t think it meets your needs. It might not meet anyone’s needs. But I think someone on this s!te would want it.
https://www.macys.com/shop/product/calvin-klein-x-fit-cow-print-one-button-blazer?ID=10503875&CategoryID=67592
Anon
OMG. If that came in my size I would be ALL over it.
Anon
That is… amazing. I really, really want someone on here to buy it. Report back!
pugsnbourbon
Okay, I’m glad I wasn’t totally off-base and that a cow-print blazer is, in fact, amazing. 100% wrong for my lifestyle, but amazing.
anonchicago
+1 to this. I bought a lot of Calvin Klein blazers and sheath dresses from Macys and TJ Maxx when I was starting out. Their quality has gone downhill over time but the pieces are still decent for the price.
cbackson
I lived in those Calvin Klein dresses from Macy’s for years.
Deedee
Migraine-sufferers, is what I experienced last night a migraine?
I had a very mild behind-the-eye headache when I went to sleep last night at 10ish but assumed I’d gotten too much screen time. Pain woke me at 1:30 am– I can only describe the headache as “splitting”–which I had never really understood before is very different from throbbing. Pain in my forehead, over the top of my head and a bit in the back of my neck–tight shoulders and maybe a bit of nausea (but that could have been from being awake at 1:30). Cool cloth did NOT help. I was up with that level of pain for about 90 minutes until extra strength Tylenol kicked in and I could doze off. Was this a migraine?
I have previously thought I might have experienced migraines, but it was nothing as awful as this. Before I went on BCP, I would get headaches with light sensitivity at a similar time many months. Is there anything that I should do next time to prevent or treat it? I’ve heard caffeine helps, but obviously it was the middle of the night. Much sympathy to those of you who deal with this regularly.
Anonymous
Yup it sounds like it could be a migraine. The bad ones wake me from sleep. Deep breathing helps.
Anonymous
Maybe! Might also be a tension headache.
Anon
It would be unusual for a tension headache to be so painful it wakes you up in the middle of the night. The headaches that are known to do that are migraines and cluster headaches and this doesn’t sound like a cluster headache.
Amber
I would recommend keeping track if this recurs – write down when it happens, time of the month in relation to your period, what you did to relieve it, etc. If you get one and literally can’t get out of bed because it is so bothersome or if something similar recurs, I would see a doctor. I suffered with migraines for a couple of years trying to treat with Tylenol and Advil and finally went to a doctor. If you are getting migraines, there are medications that will treat them at the onset. I can’t believe I suffered through them for so long! Good luck!
anon
Definitely could be a migraine–very sorry you were suffering. As someone with chronic migraines for 20+ years, ibuprofen (advil) works better for me migraines than acetaminophen (tylenol), but Tylenol + a LITTLE bit of caffeine can kick the migraine if you catch it early enough. I also use 500mg of Naproxen (rx) for really bad migraines. My tip for combatting migraines is to do 400mg of ibuprofen immediately, if you don’t catch it early it can go on for days. (Warning: Do not take ibuprofen or naproxen if pregnant or could be pregnant!).
Some strange home remedies that can give temporary relief if you catch it EARLY (key to controlling migraines = catching it early): rolling out your upper back on a peanut roller; tying a pantyhose very tightly around your forehead so the knot is pressing into one of your temples and compressing your head; icepack (not just a cool cloth–I use a bag of frozen peas) to the back of your neck/base of skull and to the forehead. Some people say that Salonpas (or icyhot/bengay) to the back of their neck works as well. YMMV for all of these.
Depending on where you live, headache specialists may not be taking on new patients because of COVID, but you should definitely call around to try to get an appointment–the wait can be months for headache specialists…
ouchie
Sounds like a migraine for sure. The progression, “splitting” and nausea really describes it. Tracking it will help you figure out how to prevent it – for me not letting myself get at all dehydrated is key.
Yep, migraine
Sounds like my migraines. Waiting it out never works for me, but excedrin migraine usually only takes 30 minutes to kick in for me. Good luck!
Anon
Paging Is It Friday Yet, I saw late last night that you posted that you’re planning to backcountry ski without avalanche training. Idk if you’ll see this, but please take a course. It will clarify misconceptions about avalanches back east and help recognize common psychological traps (“My brother is experienced”) so you can stay safe, have a great time, and keep the mountains safe for others you might encounter too. I recommend Acadia Mountain Guides, but it sounds like a few others on the thread might also know where to find options.
Anon
+1. Avalanche training is essential and it’s also not one and done – it should be a lifelong learning process if you plan to play in the mountains.
Anon
read this and yes: https://patch.com/new-jersey/warren/n-j-woman-valedictorian-ready-cure-diseases-dies-avalanche
Is it Friday yet?
That’s very sad, but that happened in Banff, which is a whole different ballgame than VT. I would not tour out west (US or Canada) without avalanche training or a guide.
Patricia Gardiner
I knew her. So tragic.
Anon
+1 million
I’m the poster who mentioned I had taken Avy 1. That course taught me some serious respect and an understanding of the heuristic traps we fall in (“I’m with my friend who’s experienced and he says it’s fine” or “Everyone skis here, it’s fine.”or “WOW look at that powder, just one more run.”
There was a very large avalanche in my region in the middle of a bad COVID spike in the nearby small mountain town, and it was extremely challenging for the search and rescue team to do the rescue safely during a pandemic. The avalanche ended up having a fatal outcome but the rescue team still had to put their lives on the line in more than one way. This winter we’ll have a lot more inexperienced people out in the backcountry, so I highly recommend being one of the ones armed with knowledge. Also Avy 1 is a fun course!
Is it Friday yet?
Ok, to add to my post yesterday, I’m not completely clueless and I do know that avalanches occur on the east coast (yes, including Tucks, which I would never ski mid-winter and think people who do are insane). I’ll pretty much be skiing in the Mad River Valley backcountry, which is predominantly low angle terrain in the trees that isn’t going to come loose, no matter what the snowpack looks like. I do intend to take the course at some point, but I think it’s generally offered mid-season, so I feel like until then, going out with people that do have training in low consequence terrain is a reasonably safe proposition, at least one I’m comfortable with. I’ll hold off on the Chic-Chocs for now. :)
Anon
Avalanches happen in Vermont, too. I’m not sure why you think they don’t. There have been several in the last two years, although I believe no fatalities. Even if you don’t take a class until mid-season, how are you planning to use a shovel, probe, and beacon with your friends before then? It sounds like they can save you, but you won’t be able to save them in a worst-case scenario.
Is it Friday yet?
I know they occasionally do, and I’m not planning on skiing where they happen – again, it’ll be low angle terrain. I’ve also gone out a few times (with a guide) in the Whistler backcountry and do in fact know how to use a shovel, probe, and beacon.
Anonymous
I think what people are telling you is that “avalanches don’t happen here” is a myth, and you would learn that in avalanche training.
Anon
Yes, exactly. “They never happen on low-angle terrain” is another myth.
Is it Friday yet?
And I’ve said I intend to take Avy 1 this season when it’s offered, so I’m not sure what more you want from me here. I’ve skied the sidecountry in the area a TON. I’ve had a couple of half-days of formal education and already know how to use a beacon and have some basic knowledge re unstable snowpack and what is and isn’t avalanche terrain. I’m not planning to cluelessly strike out on my own in the meantime – I will be going with people that do have extensive backcountry experience in the area and avalanche training. I appreciate that you all are concerned with my safety, but I promise I know enough not to take this all lightly.
Anon
The first thing I learned in my AIARE I class was that “sidecountry” isn’t a thing – it should be called lift-accessed backcountry so users don’t get complacent about the risk.
In any case, I hope you have a great season and I know you’ll enjoy the class when you take it. It’s fun and it makes adventures that much better because you know you’re bringing your knowledge and skills together in a way that’s as safe as possible.
P.S. I’ve heard great things about the Chic Chocs.
Is it Friday yet?
Hah, yeah, and I definitely see and and am frustrated by the people who go out of bounds with zero experience, just like “hur dur I saw some tracks and followed them”. Some of the VT mountains sort of make it too accessible, and I swear I spent half my (very few) ski days last year rolling my eyes at the idiots with Ikon passes that were like, huh, how do you get out of here? What do you mean we have to ride the bus?
Hope you also have a fabulous season! And that we’re allowed back in Canada sometime in the near future so the Chic Chocs are an actual possibility.
Anonymous
I missed the thread last night about the ex who wasn’t ready to commit then got engaged to someone else within a year. Something similar happened to me – I broke up with a guy after a year because he was a manchild and the relationship wasn’t progressing, then he was living with and engaged to someone else less than a year later.
The idea that a Peter Pan will magically transform into a wonderful husband and father as soon as he meets The One – is a myth. What is much more believable is that a LOT of women put up with stupid BS from men because we’re taught to coddle them. I hear my friends complain about their husbands and I don’t wonder how Peter Pans end up married while I was 35 and single. That man hasn’t changed. He just found a woman who’s willing to put up with his nonsense and make him feel like he’s a hero for it.
I probably would not make a point of raising the issue, but I wouldn’t hide it either. If it comes up then let her know.
Go for it
+1
Anonymous
I get that this makes you feel better about your ex moving on but I don’t think it’s necessarily always the case. What I’ve seen more (college friends, cousins etc), is that guys get their shit together when they met who they thought was the ‘one’ and realized she wouldn’t put up with their messy/lazy selves.
Agree that being single is better than being married to a man child. I can’t imagine marrying someone who can’t take care of themselves.
Thanks, it has pockets!
Or they lose a great relationship, and that gives them the kick in the pants they need to get their stuff together and learn how to be real adults, and then someone else gets to benefit from the improved version that only exists because a self-respecting woman gave up on him – which is awesome for him and the new partner, but feels awful for the ex. Sometimes people only shape up when there are real consequences for their behavior.
anon
Your middle paragraph is so important. You should never feel bad about refusing to lower your standards/expectations! Marriage and parenthood are not easy — you need someone who can reliably be an equal partner through the hard stuff.
Anon
This isn’t quite the same, but every time my best friend complains about her manchild husband but somehow thinks everything is going to be better when they have a kid this year, I can’t help feeling worried for her.
Anon
Oh jeez. It will just get worse. (Probably).
Seventh Sister
Yes, it does NOT get better when you have kids. While I think my husband is pretty above-average in the “being a man child” department, I do vent to friends when he does stupid stuff. I’m way more likely to talk about how he couldn’t find a hand broom that was literally 1.5 inches from where it usually lives than the fact that he makes dinner about 99% of the time.
That said, sometimes you have to let them flop around and figure it out themselves. It sounds terrible, but one of the best things that happened to my husband was that since I was immobile post-birth due to a C-section, he came home as the baby care and diapering expert. Did he still bonk the baby’s head on the side of the tub? Yes. Did our kids spend a couple of miserable afternoons with Daddy because he and my useless in-laws couldn’t figure out how to comfort two small kids with colds? Yes. Do they view us both as primary parents now that they are older? Yes.
Anonymous
Preach!
And another perspective: I broke up with my now-husband because I was ready to get married and he wasn’t. He ended up proposing (very quickly) and we’re generally happy, but his hesitancy is still something of a fault line in this relationship. I’ll never totally get over the fact that he would have put off the commitment if it was an option, you know?
Anon
Oh man, my husband proposed to me on the night I had planned our break up because I was tired of his non commitment. It’s still a sore spot for me.
cbackson
Same story for me, but he’s now my ex-husband, because the reasons he was reluctant to commit were good reasons for us not to be married. Sometimes these situations work out (like yours, Anon @10:45!) but sometimes they don’t and you’d be better off if the noncommittal manchild had… not committed at all. I know it’s hard if you’re the OP’s friend for it not to sting, but who knows if he’s even really ready now vs taking the plunge for some other reason, like fear of being alone.
Anon
Ha! My husband, after 5 years of dating, said “what’s the rush?” when I asked why he hadn’t proposed yet. Once the steam stopped coming out of my ears, he got his act together.
Anon100
I also wanted to comment but saw the post super late last night – if I were the friend, and we were really good friends, I would want to be told but not be pressured to respond to the text. Just so that when I saw the ex, I wouldn’t be caught off-guard and become an emotional mess. Then again, it depends on what sort of person your friend is, if she’s the type that hates to be publicly emotional or if she’s likely to blow up in public.
FWIW, I posted here a while ago (almost 2 years!) about a breakup where in my then-bf and I had dated for 5 years, then at the end when our relationship was fraying both in our early 30s, he met the woman of his dreams and went off with her, leaving me a broken mess. Four months after he met her, he moved with her but he never said he wanted to live with me when we were together; then two months after their move in they bought a house together. I found about the house-buying from a casual mutual acquaintance of us both who didn’t know the breakup history. A good friend of mine took pity on me and told me that my ex had knocked up his new gf and that’s why he was moving at warp speed for her. My friend telling me the “end of the story” gave me closure and satisfaction in the end. Your friend’s mileage will vary but I also kinda feel her pain because I’m still single too and it is frustrating at times to know that the ex got their “happy ever after” with someone else while you’re trying to pretend you’re happy all the time being single. (I mean, for the most part I have great friends and its fine to be single, but the societal pressure is still there that a woman in her 30s should be at least partnered up.)
Anon
“He just found a woman who’s willing to put up with his nonsense and make him feel like he’s a hero for it.”
I guess this is true if you’re talking about man child-ness, but not really if you’re talking about commitment issues. My ex dragged his feet about committing to me and honestly it was because I was not the one for him. Thank god, because with the benefit of hindsight I see that would have been miserable. Ex is in a relationship with somebody new and now with the benefit of hindsight I can be grateful it’s not me because now I’m with somebody who actually is excited about me and it is so much better.
Doodles
I disagree with this. I can think of three men who were in previous long term relationships before they married other women relatively quickly.. Each of the men has expressed to my husband or me that they never felt sure about the previous girlfriend but we’re comfortable, didn’t want to rock the boat, didn’t want to disappoint their families and/or were too lazy/chicken to do the breaking up. When the women finally got tired of the non commitment and dumped them, they were forced to date again and each met their wives relatively quickly. These women were the “one” and they married within 1-2 years. It’s like that book, he’s just not that into you… These guys weren’t Peter Pan and are great husbands to the right women.
Anon
Yup. I have been the woman who was not The One and it sucked and it took a lot of therapy to get over it but I don’t need to pretend like his life is secretly awful to feel better about myself. It still hurts to think I just wasn’t good enough, but therapy really helped with that and therapy also helped me work on some issues that were preventing me from being in good relationships. I’m now with somebody who definitely thinks that *I* am The One and it is so much better than the last relationship. But honestly even being miserably single was better than being in a terrible relationship with somebody who was never that in to me.
Anon
Agreed, I have also been the woman who was not the One (and my ex found his now wife right after we broke up) and it caused me a lot of pain and sadness, but years later I can see the truth – I just wasn’t the woman he wanted to spend his life with. It has been a tough pill to swallow but i know that was the reality.
Anonymous
This. And I think it particularly happens when the ‘not the one’ woman is a good person and a good match on paper. There isn’t something so objectively wrong that they are motivated to end the relationship, because it’s ‘fine’ but when you don’t have the ‘this person is the one’ feeling, it’s hard to motivate yourself to move the relationship forward.
anon
+1 I know multiple guys in this category. They weren’t in any rush to get married and were with women who looked great on paper. They knew they were never going to marry these women but the women were great on paper and it was easy to just stay in a relationship, so they did. Often they would finally break up with the woman when they decided they were actually ready to get married. I don’t think it was that their now wives were all the one, just that they were finally in a place where they were ready to get married when they met them. And they knew all along the ex girlfriend was not someone they were going to married but the relationship was easy and they were lazy. I think people assume that if a guy isn’t ready to get married it means that they must be running around dating/sleeping with a bunch of women. Plenty are equally happy to wait out getting married with women who are excellent partners. They get regular s*x and companionship while they mature and figure out what they really want without the effort involved in dating a bunch of women
Anon
I actually spent time with someone about 15 years ago who told me that his girlfriend was ‘not the one’ when the girlfriend was in the other room, and a few of us were spending time together after work. My guess is that the girlfriend had no idea he felt that way.
Anon
Call me cynical, but I don’t think that someone who dates a person for ten years, gets broken up with, and then gets engaged within a year **actually** just happened to meet his soul mate almost immediately.
Healthy adults give some distance between a divorce or a break-up of a long term relationship before jumping into the next one. The new relationship deserves to have both parties come in without baggage and with perspective on what went wrong in the previous relationship. Sometimes, what went wrong is that both people are fun and enjoy each other’s company but aren’t the right ones, and no feelings were hurt. Other times, there were red flags; people ignored red flags; people persisted in trying to make the relationship work despite the red flags. Perhaps the person who is jumping into the new relationship lacks basic relationship skills, or, having learned them in the previous relationship, was too proud to implement them in that relationship and thereby admit that he had been wrong to behave differently.
Anon
I feel a little called out here but I met my current husband only a few months after separating from my first husband. We got married 1.5 years later and have now been married for 20 years.
There is no one size fits all.
Anon
Yeah – I met my now-husband about four months after seperating from my first husband. It’s worked out well for us. I’m really thankful I didn’t say no when he asked me out just because of an arbitrary timeline.
Seventh Sister
I’m also skeptical of “The One” in general. If I’d graduated from high school in 1964 instead of 1994, I probably would have married my high school boyfriend and been reasonably happy as a housewife with a teaching degree. If my law school boyfriend had believed me when I said I would convert and move to a college town when he got a tenure-track job, I’d probably be an administrator at a community college or an adjunct legal writing instructor in a large square state. Meeting my husband happened due to an almost-bizarre set of random circumstances, so I tend to think that there is A Person instead of The One. And sometimes there isn’t even A Person.
anonandon
I work in a somewhat conservative industry (law adjacent, in DC) and I just dyed my hair purple…. wish me luck, I’m losing my mind in pandemic times.
Anon
You’re my hero! Im also in a conservative job and just got one more ear piercing yesterday (I now have 8!).
Go for it
Excellent!!
Anon
Me too! I did blue and now I wish I had done it sooner
pugsnbourbon
I bet your hair looks amazing!
Admittedly less conservative workplace, but I’ve gone into the office wearing overalls twice now. My tattoos are visible pretty much all the time and I’m planning my forearm pieces. My wife also dyed her hair purple. You are not alone!
anonandon
Thank you (and everyone!) for the words of encouragement. I have a small wrist tattoo that no one has said boo about, and I’m considering a nose stud… I just love body modification and am trying to drag my office kicking and screaming into the 21st century :)
Senior Attorney
I love it! Rock that purple hair!
Anon
I love it!
CountC
WOOT! Our new hire (part of the law department) has purple hair and I LOVE IT. I am 100% here for it.
Anon
My parents evacuated their home for the first time ever last night (thankfully in time) due to the raging wildfires where we live in the Bay Area. I’m ready to go next. The air quality is the actual worst in the world and our pandemic is among the worst in the US. 2020 just keeps on coming, doesn’t it?
My actual point: if you can, please consider donating to the Red Cross or other local organizations. Almost every single county in the Bay Area has a historic fire and we need help desperately.
Anon
+1
People love to hate the Red Cross but I work in disaster response and while they’re certainly not perfect they’re the best at what they do. If you have to evacuate for any reason, you want the Red Cross there.
Cb
Yikes, my parents are in Brentwood and said that the air quality has been horrible. My mom works in Walnut Creek and I don’t know how she’ll get to work this AM with the Mt Diablo fire. The fires have never been that close before.
Anon
My parents are in Brentwood too! I hope all stay safe.
Anon
(I’m not OP Anon btw, my parents have not been evacuated).
Cb
No way? Did you grow up there? Do we know each other?
Anon
:) no, we are all transplants from elsewhere in the US. They ended up in Brentwood as retirees.
Anon
My parents evacuated last night and are going back this morning (their area is under evacuation warning, not order) and I’m so worried and pissed at how stubborn they’re being. The stress of this situation is so unreal. I thought I had it bad when I was just high-risk during a pandemic? LOL.
Anonymous
And if you don’t think global warming is real, please read about our lightening strikes in areas that have never burnt.
SMC-San Diego
Sympathies! I have been evacuated twice and it is seriously an awful thing to live through (and the smoke and ash make it feel like the end times).
Good luck! (And try to remember that our pandemic is only the worst in terms of absolute numbers; per capita we are not doing so badly). And to people reading, YES PLEASE DONATE. We are not likely to get much federal help since we are a blue state and those people can use anything.
Anonymous
Ideas for an early November weekend getaway from DC? Max drive 2-3 hours. Have previously enjoyed Little Washington and Bedford Springs. Ideally of course we would like to be able to eat all meals outdoors. Who knows if conditions will allow for this trip, but it will be nice to have something to plan at least!
Anonymous
Old Edwards Inn
Maudie Atkinson
I love Old Edwards Inn, but that’s about an 8 hour drive from DC.
Anon
Do you know what seems fun to me? You can rent out some of the historic buildings in Colonial Williamsburg. Looks like they’re offering 15% off and free admission tickets. https://www.colonialwilliamsburghotels.com/packages/fall-getaway-package/
Anonymous
When you say “eat all meals outdoors” do you mean on restaurant patios or are you are looking for a place that has an outdoor eating area where you can bring food from home and prepare and eat it there?
theguvnah
Something like New Hope, PA? that might be closer to 4 hours though…
Cape May, NJ is beautiful in Sept!
Z
Some good news: I was part of a virtual fundraiser for a youth organization that I volunteer for in my city. We raised over $100k last night. I am overjoyed!
Moonstone
Excellent!
anonshmanon
Awesome! Good work, Z!!!
FFS
Shout out to whoever recommended Flood Baking Company a couple months ago. Just had my first try and they’re amazing.
CHL
Similar – shout out to whoever recommended Danforth Pewter. I had been looking for years for a good keychain for my husband and he loves the one I got him from there.
Anonyz
Does anyone have an inverter microwave? What do you think of it?
My old microwave is shot, and I’m really intrigued by inverters, since IMO they are how microwaves should have worked all along.
Sophia
I can’t really share this IRL so I’m telling a bunch of internet strangers: I was a 1st gen student who had a life-changing experience at a private liberal arts college. I got through with a ton of subsidized loans and this week, at age 39, I paid the last of them off! I’m actually in a Master’s program now that we’re paying for with cash, but it felt SO GOOD to click the “pay now” button. Thanks for reading :)
Anonymous
Congratulations!!! It’s such a great day. Savor it.
Anonymous
Yes- Congratulations!!!
Maudie Atkinson
Congratulations!
Clementine
Congratulations! I think you’ve earned some champagne (or really nice tea, whatever your style).
Senior Attorney
Hooray! Heartiest congratulations!
Anon
Congratulations!!!!
Ses
Wow, big congratulations to you! Please savor it and open a bottle of champagne or other celebratory foodstuff. I similarly got my expensive education at a pricey private college with a ton of subsidized loans. I still think about when I finally paid them off 2 years ago and it brings me joy.
That education is the biggest luxury purchase I’ve ever made, and I was too young to know how much of a burden the loans would be… People say student debt is fine if it’s at a low interest rate, but it feels amazing not to have them. High-five :)
Lobby-est
Hive five from your corporette friends!
Amber
That is wonderful – congrats to you!! What a great feeling that must be!
anon
Back in the actual office today (just a one-day thing). A few thoughts:
– I have looved dressing casually but it actually felt good to dress up today. Unfortunately, the COVID gain is a real thing and my largest pair of dress pants is feeling snug.
– Given how much walking I’ve done already today, it’s no wonder I’ve gained weight even though I’ve kept up my exercise routine.
– I needed a checklist just to get out the door. I had to pack so much stuff. Food, drinks (no drinking fountains right now), all my office crap, mask, wallet, phone, and the list goes on. I straight-up used a giant Adidas backpack today.
– I’d forgotten how much energy I expend just getting to the office. I haven’t missed that at all. I think my ideal balance would be 1-2 days in the office and the rest at home.
anon
To your last point —– I agree so much. I’ve had to go into the office twice this week for two full days, including meetings and depositions, and it’s scary how much time/energy is spent just getting from place to place, packing up your stuff, transition time… I also hate that my breaks at work just add to my total time being at the office. I’m not one of those people who can plow through 9 hours of focused work. At home I can clean up, sit on a couch, do laundry, food prep. At the office it’s just… more screen time, maybe chit-chat, or eating with screen time. Not restful.
Anon
The checklist is real, I went in to the office for a one off recently and had to run back to my house twice for essential things I forgot. One time after driving a few blocks…
BeenThatGuy
Thanks for sharing this. I go back on 8/31 and am feeling the stress of just being getting out the door with everything I need. Please report back any tips/tricks you, or anyone else has, to make the transition easier!
anon
OP here!
– Definitely have a checklist. After months of being at home, it’s like my brain turned off the part that just knew how to do this. Also, you building may have certain amenities — like kitchens and water fountains — that are simply unaccessible at this time. Make sure you have sanitizer, lotion, wipes, masks, etc. on hand. My company gave us a care package of this stuff, which I thought was a nice touch.
– Prioritize your physical comfort. I am required to wear a mask at all times when I’m in the office, so I need make sure the rest of my clothing is comfortable, unobtrusive, etc.
– Have a lanyard! I find it easier to hang my mask on a lanyard when I’m outdoors, rather than worrying about stuffing it into my bag and possibly using it.
– Wearing a mask all day is exhausting in a weird way. Plan some mask breaks, just like if you were a kid at school. :)
cookie monster
Frivolous question – do people still do second ear piercings? Like one just above the “normal” piercing spot on both ears? Is that fashionable (or professional?) or does no one care? I feel like I heard everyone talking about multiple piercings years ago but not lately so just curious. Fully admit this question is of no real consequence, just pondering.
Anonymous
That is a very outdated look.
Anonyz
I see more piercings now than ever before. Multiple lobe piercings, cartilage piercings, and gauges are normalized in my field (tech), though I realize this board skews ultra-conservative due to law. I have six piercings (not symmetrical) and like to get a new one on milestone birthdays.
Anonymous
Nobody gets just a double piercing anymore, though. The last time I saw that was in the 1990s. Now it’s none, one, or a whole lot.
Cat
I agree with this. Two holes seems like, edgy 90’s middle schooler. None, one, or like 4+.
nylon girl
LOL, my middle schooler wants to get her ears double-pierced.
Anon
Eh I was in high school and college in the 2010s and it was very popular
Might be less popular now but this trend was certainly much later than the 90s!
Cat
I wonder if the answer to this is a function of when you grew up. I was a 2000 HS grad – so 10-15 years later, the trends from middle school (to me) might have seemed brand new and fresh to you… just like my mom insisted on calling my oh so cool “flared” jeans bell-bottoms, lol.
cookie monster
I am not cool enough for any of those haha
Monday
People have them and no one cares. (I guess unless you wear very bold earrings in them.) I have a second one on both ears, slightly above my original piercings, and most people probably don’t even notice because I wear small studs in those ones.
Anon
I have them (got them done in college). I go through phases of wearing them and not. I always, always, always wear earrings in my first hole and then have one cartilage piercing that I’ve never taken out. I want two more cartilage piercings and covid has inspired me to just go for them (so now I’m just waiting until I feel safe getting the piercings done).
If I’m wearing studs in the first hole I rarely wear the second hole. If I’m wearing hoops, IM more likely to wear earrings in both.
I work in a male dominated government job. It’s conservative yet casual and the men don’t notice.
I’d love a nose piercing but that’s less common in my office so will hold out on that (especially because my mother would kill me… even though I’m a godda*n adult)
anon
I have 2 ear piercings, both gauged (bottom significantly more than the top). I’m a 30-something engineer and it hasn’t been a problem in a professional setting. I’ve had these piercings (at this size) for 15 years now, I couldn’t tell you if it’s fashionable anymore – it certainly was in the pop-punk era I grew up in. Anecdotally I don’t see many young people/influencers with gauged piercings, although I do see some with multi-piercings.
LaurenB
It was sort of a cheap mall-rat look in the 1990s; I think of it as being accompanied by the stereotypical “Karen” choppy / spiky hair style.
Anon
No way – we looked like Dawn from the Babysitter’s Club.
pugsnbourbon
Or Claudia! Forever a style icon.
BabyAssociate
I have three lobe piercings and routinely wear earrings in all three. Usually a “focal” earring in the first hole and very, very tiny studs in the other two. I like jewelry and don’t particularly care if it’s fashionable. In the before times, I was tracking which earrings I wore everyday, just to get an idea of what I was gravitating towards. It’s honestly never even crossed my mind that it wouldn’t be professional, you’d have to be seated very close to me to see that I had 3 earrings in.
anon
I also have 3 lobe piercings in each ear. I always wear a tiny emerald and tiny diamond stud in the 2nd and 3rd hole, respectively. First hole gets bigger earrings and more variety. No one in my conservative office seems to notice or care.
Senior Attorney
I had them back in the day but haven’t worn earrings in the second holes for years so they’ve probably closed up by now.
Kitten
I really like the look of multiple delicate studs and tiny hoops. I don’t think it’s particularly “fashionable”, but I see that look quite a bit. I decided I want more so I got a second hole in each ear right before the pandemic. I’ll probably go back for more as soon as places open back up and I’m done donating covid plasma :)
cookie monster
This is all very helpful and confirms what I suspected. Thanks, y’all. Honestly this only came up in my head because I inherited a killer pair of diamonds which I plan to wear daily, and thought for a second about getting the second piercing to also continue wearing my current tiny diamonds. Man, that sounds frivolous typing it all out, so thanks for indulging me!
BabyAssociate
I still saw go for it and get the second piercing, jewelry is meant to be worn!
Senior Attorney
Well in that case I think you should go for it. More diamonds!!
Anon
In your case I’d do it for sure. That sounds like a really pretty look.
FYI my daughter is 19 and in the Bay Area. She and her friends all have double piercings. A couple, but not all, have additional piercings higher up the ear.
Anon
Not sure what industries or areas other folks are in – but check out Maria Tash. The “ear stack” trend is very much alive and well and even trendy in my circles.
Anonymous
What are the nice suburbs of Charleston? Good schools nice environment. I’m not moving I’m just addicted to Zillow browsing.
BeenThatGuy
Ilse of Palms and Mount Pleasant
Anon
I think my boyfriend of 3.5 years and I are going to break up soon. We’re long distance living on opposite sides of the country due to COVID; he moved back to his rural hometown to help his high-risk parents at the beginning and is increasingly leaning towards staying there permanently. It’s been really hard doing long distance during a pandemic, and we both know that I won’t move to his hometown due to career and family reasons. I hate the slow dread of feeling like we’re heading for a break-up, and I hate that the pandemic basically caused it.
Any tips for coping with the dread for now, or tips on handling a break-up when so many of the things I’d noramlly turn to (planning a big trip, spending lots of time with friends) are off the table?
Panda Bear
That stinks and I’m sorry. But I’m wondering… why let the dread persist, if you either want to make it work, or know things aren’t going to work out? Wouldn’t it be better to talk it through with him and either a) make a plan to work it out or b) end things, if that is what has to happen?
Anon
+1 Dragging it out is going to make it so much worse.
Anon OP
I hear you. I guess it’s that I don’t 100% know it won’t work just yet. He’s not decided yet, and there are some variables (like if his workplace will stay full time remote or not); he’s also fully acknowledged that his hometown felt more exciting when he’d first arrived and that he feels himself getting bored compared to in our city. It feels like if I push the issue now he’ll decide to stay, but that after 3 more months of this if we don’t have a bog discussion now he may well have decided he doesn’t want to stay there. But perhaps that also is wishful thinking.
Anon
I’m mad that he gets to decide whether it will work or not. Why isn’t it your decision too?
Why do you want to be with someone who isn’t sure you’re good enough?
Anonie
I agree with those who are advocating for you to speak up, rather than drag this out. I ESPECIALLY agree that it should be a mutual decision rather than “let me sit around and just wait see if he decides to break up with me or not” situation.
Anon
Agree; don’t drag it out.
While it is a very noble thing to help out his parents – in fact, the type of man you want to be with is the type to help his parents like this – he made a “him” decision and not a “you both” decision. The problem you have is due to that.
Anon
Exactly. After 3.5 years with somebody, I would really hope his decision would be a we decision.
Flats Only
It’s hard, but can you rip the bandaid and initiate the conversation now? You aren’t obligated to wait for him to make up his mind, and he doesn’t have the be the one to do the breaking up. He knows you won’t move and has been hinting he’ll stay there, so I doubt it will come as a surprise for him. There’s no reason for you to waste months dreading something you can take control of. It sucks, and it especially sucks since it was caused by something out of your control (although perhaps he would have eventually gone home to care for his parents even without COVID coming up).
PolyD
So here’s something I’ve been thinking about since the bathroom remodeling discussion a few days ago. Why do new bathrooms or bathroom remodels not automatically include some sort of built in shelving, beyond the little niches? I mean, hardly anyone gets into the shower with just a bar of soap anymore. And the niches are usually too small or not deep enough to fit bottles that are a little larger than average.
You could say, well, we should use fewer products. But almost every other aspect of American houses have changed to accommodate modern times and consumption/acquisition trends – more and bigger closets, bigger garages. It’s weird that bathrooms still expect us to live 1950s style.
Don’t even get me started on hotel shower stalls with nothing more than a tiny soap dish on the wall. I have no need to do yoga after showering in a hotel shower because it’s, bend down to pick up product, stand up to apply product, bend down to put product back down, wash self with product, bend down to pick up other product…. Even if you just use soap, shampoo, and conditioner, that’s a lot of bending up and down!
Senior Attorney
I agree. We’re doing a ledge running the full length of the shower in our upcoming remodel.
Ribena
Yes, this really bugs me. I just got a great caddy from a German brand, Koziol (I got it from Connox) which fits my shampoo, conditioner, face wash, and razor. I use one of the mega 750ml bottles of shower gel from The Body Shop (it has a pump top! It’s amazing) and that sits nicely on top of the actual shower apparatus. When I get my bathroom ‘done’ I am wanting to include proper built-in shower shelves.
lemonhead
My guess is that it’s cheaper and faster to just slap up the tile without taking the time to carve out the niches or add a ledge, which is why you see them omitted in many hotels and cheaper homes.
Anonymous
Ugh hotel bathrooms. Also-the lack of towel racks. There is plenty of wall space. If you want me to reuse my towel, hotel, provide more towel racks.
Anon
not including them is a way to cut costs.
No Problem
Or why anybody installs pedestal sinks in a primary bathroom (I’m not talking about small half baths that are literally only used for hand washing). Sure, they look nice, but where are you going to put your extra TP, or your box of tampons or pads, or your toothbrush, or your contact solution, etc. etc. etc. Or maybe there’s a sink with a bit of a counter and a small cabinet underneath, but then they just hang a regular mirror instead of a medicine cabinet. I swear whenever I see these on Redfin or Zillow I know that a man built that bathroom and didn’t think for 30 seconds about the needs of the people who might actually buy the house and need to use the bathroom.
Not a man, thought a lot
I just installed a pedestal sink in an apartment I’m redoing as a rental. My reasons were as follows:
1. I designed a closet right next to it- plenty of room for towels and tampons. The upper part of the closet is occupied by the tankless water heater but overall it provides more space than below than sink storage would provide.
2. The space is relatively small, so the pedistal is more airy looking.
3. Budget allowed for a cheap vanity or a pedestal. The look is more high-end and I suspect it will hold up better.
No Problem
Did you at least include a medicine cabinet and/or shelving or cabinets above the toilet?
I agree with anon below that this is a deal breaker for a lot of people. I lived in an apartment for several years with a pedestal sink and I hated it. Thankfully it did have a medicine cabinet, but I added a shelving unit over the toilet for TP, tampons, etc. that wouldn’t fit in the medicine cabinet and that you would need to be able to reach while on the pot. And wouldn’t you know it, guests were really good at knocking things off the shelves and into the toilet (thanks, Dad). I ended up keeping all of my hair products and several other things in my bedroom because there simply wasn’t room for anything but the basics in the bathroom. I am never living with a pedestal ever again.
Food for thought for your next reno!
Anon
I’m pedestal sinks for life, but because they’re original to my 1909 house and I am not an “updater.” We have plenty of storage place in built in hall closets and free standing bathroom cabinets.
Anon
Ha, if I ever move again, pedestal sinks in a primary bath is a deal breaker unless it’s an easy remodel immediately. I did them once in a 1920s bungalow because it fit the period, and then ripped it out a few years later in favor of a cabinet vanity for all the reasons you describe.
Ribena
My room isn’t big enough for a vanity (and they’re less common here anyway- I still have separate hot and cold taps for goodness sake!)
Half pedestal sink with cabinet underneath!
Anonymous
Tips for wearing a blazer over an asymmetrical dress? I see lots of dresses with asymmetrical detailing either at the neckline or waist. I prefer to buy dresses that can be worn with a blazer. Looking for tips for making this combo work.
coral
I haven’t found a way to make this work, unfortunately. To me, the asymmetrical cut makes the dress such a statement piece that it looks goofy to pair a blazer with it. Maybe someone more stylish will have a better idea.
Cat
Tricky if the asymmetry involves volume like pleats or folds. But the best place to start is a collarless blazer – one less line (the lapels) to worry about. JCrew’s Going Out Blazer has become a workhorse for many.
Cat
did this go to m-d because I used the word that rhymes with holler hahaha
Anonymous
I need so perspective here. I am at a mid-senior position at a global financial services company. There’s a female colleague of mine of similar seniority with whom I have (or at least I thought I had) a good relationship. Yesterday she mssg’d me on our internal chat saying this Junior guy in a her team had a new name for me – “door bitch”. For context, I head up the country and due to COVID I decide who is allowed to work in office (we have quite strict role based rules). This banter was communicated to me by her as a joke, and when I said it was offensive she said – oh we just had a good laugh about it.
I left it then but later sent her an email saying I found this unacceptable and she should have shut it down or at minimum not brought it to me.
Should I leave it at this? At my level I feel responsible to address this in a more meaningful way so I plan to get HR to do a country/regional mssg on the subject. Am I letting her off easy by not filing an official complaint?
Anon
I would go to HR. Some people here will tell you not to rock the boat, but that attitude is why sexual harassment and sex-based harassment continue to prevail in the workplace. Both the speaker and the listener need a stern talking-to/warning from HR and should be fired if they don’t immediately realize why this is serious.
Anon
Okay, first of all, direct most of this anger towards the person who actually said it. Yes, she should have shut it down, but why aren’t you mad at the person who actually said these things?
Original Anon
Because ppl say stuff behind other ppls backs all the time. Yes, the b-word is indeed extreme but frankly, it was private conversation within their team. My initial reaction to her was that I found what he said was offensive. But the more I think about it, as the manager she sets the tone. She could have cut the conversation there but she choose to keep the joke going and then by coming to me, it felt like she was firing the gun over his shoulder.
anonshmanon
I agree that the manager has a lot of influence over the general tone, so she has the power to stop this and should. I disagree with you about her not having told you – a lot of people would want to know this sort of thing.
Anonymous
Yeah agree. Also I don’t think this is that bad
Anonymous
I’d normally agree that anger should be directed at the person who actually did/said the thing, but here it sounds like a person in authority not only encouraged it but chose to spread it around. The person in authority sets the tone, and in a perfect word is in authority because s/he has the judgment and experience to realize that a nickname like that is not acceptable.
Party Animal
What exactly are you asking HR to say or do? Are you planning on telling them the entire story, or just asking them to send out some general email blast with no context? What’s the message you’re asking them to share? Respect and dignity? Something about COVID precautions? I’m an HR professional and it drives me nuts when people complain to me in a nebulous way and expect me to do something about it. You should be specific with them about what you’re asking for. Also, understand that regardless of whether you officially file a complaint or not, they may consider it an official complaint anyway. In that case, may be obligated to investigate and potentially discipline an individual accused of using defamatory language like that.
I’m perplexed by you saying you feel you’re letting your peer off easy, but not the individual who called you the offensive name. I agree with you that she should have taken the situation more seriously, but he’s ultimately accountable for what he said.
Original Anon
Thanks for sharing the point that HR may take this as an official complaint even if I don’t formally file one.
I didn’t get into much detail on the HR mssg’ing point as that wasn’t the crux of my query. But to answer your questions, I’ve sent the conversation transcript to HR without any names and asked for a call. What I would like ideally is for HR to reiterate to the team the expectations in terms of hostile language and tone from the top. In addition, I want to know what actions would be taken if I were to report. Again, ideally I just want to put it on record should the situation recur.
With regards to my reaction being stronger towards the manager, it is what it is. You may have a different view and possibly so could my HR- that’s beyond my control.I didn’t speak to person who came up with that name or hear it from him directly so it’s hearsay as far as I’m concerned. As a manager I am aware ppl need to vent and as long as it happens behind my back, it’s not something I would dwell on.
Anon
I’m also madder at the manager. Instead of cutting it off at the beginning, even with a “hey, that’s not appropriate,” she amplified it and actually rewarded the junior guy with her approval. That’s a big no for me.
Party Animal
I think you’re sort of applying Vegas rules here- what’s said in one team stays in one team. There should be trust in a team. I think that’s fair and reasonable to a certain extent, and I think you’re justified in being angry that the other manager violated this norm. She certainly shouldn’t have condoned the use of offensive and sexist language.
For what it’s worth, if you were to come to me with this, I would view your message as an official complaint and would look into it, not just send out the email you’re asking for. I don’t think sending out an email does much for you here, but I understand that different organizations have different cultures and your HR may take a different approach. I think a more effective consequence is to investigate and hold people accountable for their behavior.
Any competent HR professional won’t engage with your second, hypothetical question. It’s impossible to say what actions would be taken without an investigation. They don’t have all the facts they need to handle this appropriately.
Anon
Not funny ….I say good that your female colleague showed you how dumb she is so you can distance yourself and find better folk to associate with. Don’t minimize this at all…that is a level of undermining that starts as “a joke” but I guarantee they will say worse behind your back….they just showed you their character.
anon
If you escalate this even further, people will still say stuff about you behind your back, and it won’t be in a joking way anymore. They just won’t share it with you. It really sounds like you’re completely overreacting; I wouldn’t have taken offense to it.
Anon
And the problem with that is the people using derogatory and gendered terms, not their target. How you feel about something that wasn’t said about you is irrelevant and you shouldn’t dismiss OP’s feelings.
Anon
I would have a word with the junior person, and drop it.
anon
This Forbes article addresses demeaning language and subtle ways that women are undermined in the workplace: https://www.forbes.com/sites/biancabarratt/2019/05/17/the-subtle-art-of-undermining-women-in-the-workplace/#6226b3c34b35
Ses
Yeesh. This is bad and I agree it’s your peer who is the worse actor here than the junior person who said it. I’ve spent a lot of time managing junior people, and a ton of them have said things that were unprofessional at one time or another. Part of this is regional – you get things in Europe or Asia that an American would find shocking, and vice-versa. With a global team, it’s extra important that senior people are committed to an environment where everyone feels respected. Often this means the culture is a little more G-rated and formal/vanilla than each person’s natural preference.
Part of a manager’s job is to pull the junior person aside, look them in the eye (over video these days) and say simply, “Hey, the thing you said about Person was over the line.” Your colleague let you down. My move in this type of situation is to get on the phone/video and tell them that. It doesn’t have to be elaborate – just “Hey, I feel like you let me down by letting your team call me names. I want us to set a more respectful tone. Can you get on board with that?”
Anon
Frivolous observation/question:
While listening to President Obama speak last night, I kept hearing similarities in cadence, ebb and flow to the Michael Douglas’ speech at the end of The American President.
First, did anyone else notice that, or am I hearing things?
Second, is that just “how a political speech is written and delivered” and it’s been so long since I’ve heard a president speak in complete sentences, I forgot?
Anon
I listened to him speak slowly and deliberately and was reminded of all the presentation coaching I’ve had that wanted me to do the same. It feels unnatural to me, but it is the widely accepted way to be a good public speaker. So I don’t think Michael Douglas invented it.
anonshmanon
I haven’t seen this Movie, but it’s not unusual that politicians craft their oratory style carefully, often drawing from other politicians. Obama had a lot in common with Harold Washington’s way of presenting things. Pete Buttigieg apparantly tried to mimic Obama’s cadence. Kennedy is always looming in the back of speechwriters.
And there for sure is a very narrowly defined Hollywood-President-prototype.
Anon
Interesting – thanks! I do a lot of public speaking, but in an academic setting, not a political one, and not nearly so scripted.