Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Pleated Top

177 Comments

1. I have to buy a new gas stove. It must be a standard size to fit into the space in my counter and can have either an electric or gas oven (I know conventionally electric=better, but I’ve heard good things about the new gas convection, thoughts?). We didn’t anticipate this cost, so I’m looking for something reasonable – maybe $800-$1200. Can anyone recommend (or warn against) a model/brand they bought and/or a store that provided good service? TIA.

   1. I don’t have a suggestion but – I always heard gas was better so I’m perplexed.

      1. I believe that gas stove tops are better. When it comes to the oven, some authorities say electric is better for baking because the heat is more evenly distributed.

      2. The ‘best’ combination for performance and responsiveness is gas stove top + electric (fan) oven.
         (My mother used to work for Good Housekeeping, so she’s passed on all of this knowledge to me)

   2. If you’re going to be cooking a lot, I love love love love my Dacor cooktop. Much more than a Viking – the grates won’t scratch the cooktop like Viking’s will.

   3. Based on Consumer Reports research, we bought a Kenmore gas stove/oven, and have been quite happy with it so far.

   4. I’ve always thought gas was better too and oven heating distribution is easily ameliorated by keeping a pizza stone in the oven. No specific recommendations but we have had good luck buying appliances on homedepot dot com There are usually ample reviews and they have last year’s models discounted.

   5. If your power goes out, you can light a gas cooktop manually and still get hot food/water.

      I love my gas stove (GE Profile) and have electric ovens.

   6. I went from a 1980s era, fancy-dancy electric Jennaire range which had lots of issues with component failures over the years, to a glass-top electric Sears Kenmore and love it – no problems whatsoever, cooks and bakes perfectly. Plus it included free same-day delivery, set up and old stove removal.

   7. FYI, if you are thinking of switching to electric, have an electrician come look at your setup first and make sure your house wiring can support it. My husband is an electrician and he’s been to lots of houses where there is a plug for an electric stove, but when they switched to a gas stove, the wiring in the breaker panel got moved or shared to another appliance, like a dishwasher – so when the homeowners come home with a new electric stove thinking they can just plug it in, they actually can’t – at best they have to pay him to re-wire the old plug (or a new one – most electric stoves are a 4 prong plug now, and the old ones were 3), at worst they wind up having to buy a whole new larger breaker panel (thousands of dollars with installation) or return their brand new electric stove and start over looking for a gas one.

   8. We bought a Frigidaire with gas stovetop/electric oven and have been very happy with it. We’ve had ours for a year and a half, and both the stovetop and oven work perfectly. It has a lot of the features of more expensive gas ranges, including simmer and quick-boil burners. Our oven isn’t convection, but I just looked quickly at Home Depot, and it seems like the convection oven is in your price range if that’s what you’re looking for.

   9. We have a Frigidaire Gallery with gas stovetop and gas convection oven. Love the convection option. Previously we had a Frigidaire Gallery electric, and we preferred the gas oven even when we didn’t use the convection option.

      I would highly recommend the Frigidaire Gallery line… except that the last person I recommended it to told me that they were told by a salesperson that the line has been bought out and badly cheapened. So sad!

      It’s probably regional, but I recommend Lowes. Whenever we have a major appliance to replace (which, because of two moves has been essentially two sets of everything), we go to Lowes, Home Depot, and a couple of local outfits. Lowes has consistently had great service, great selection, and ultimately is where we’ve always ended up purchasing.

      Since you’re probably in a rush to replace, drop that you’re going to buy one today to negotiate. We did that once when our dishwasher went out unexpectedly and when the one we settled on wasn’t in stock, they gave us the step-up model for the same price. Woohoo.

      1. It may be regional/situational. We’ve usually ended up going with Home Depot for appliances. They don’t charge extra to deliver to our 2nd story apartment or to haul away the old appliance. And a few times we’ve wanted to move the old appliance to our downstairs unit (which we rent out), they’ve only charged $15. So, wherever you buy, consider the add-ons, including taxes, shipping/delivery fee, haul-away, etc.

         1. Good point – thanks!

   10. I bought this one over July 4 weekend, and I’ve been VERY happy with it since. http://www.homedepot.com/p/Frigidaire-Gallery-30-in-5-0-cu-ft-Gas-Range-with-Self-Cleaning-Convection-Oven-in-Stainless-Steel-FGGF3032MF/203556796?N=5yc1vZc3oy

       I was in almost your identical situation, but a wee bit worse. Within a very short period of time, my refrigerator, dishwasher, and oven all quit working (or maybe it’s more accurate to say I realized they all weren’t working properly at basically the same time.) I ended up ordering the three matching pieces from Frigidaire, and I’ve been thrilled with all of them.

       1. Wow, I count myself very lucky that the refrigerator and dishwasher are chugging along at this point! Did you buy from Home Depot and have them install it?

          1. I did. Since it was July 4, they were having an additional sale where if you bought 2 pieces it was like an additional $50 off, 3 pieces $100, … something like that. I ended up getting all three with installation for JUST under $2000. It was a very easy process, and I’d highly recommend the appliances and Home Depot.

   11. I bought a Whirlpool gas range after Christmas and the display panel is already broken. So not impressed

2. Anyone out there own the Vince Camuto Vala bootie? It’s exclusive to Nordstrom, and I just got a pair in the mail in my regular size this week. This is my magical bootie unicorn EXCEPT my heel slips out of the back. Do we think going down a half-size and/or swapping these out for a narrow would fix the issue? The rest of the shoe fits perfectly so I’d be nervous about going to a narrow in case they were too small. Alternatively, do you have any recs for similar shoes at $100 or less? The Vince Camuto Elvin is similar but the heel is higher, which also makes me nervous. Links to follow.

   1. Vala: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/vince-camuto-vala-bootie-nordstrom-exclusive-women/3717243

   2. Elvin: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/vince-camuto-elvin-bootie/3515787?origin=related-3515787-0-1-PP_4-Rich_Relevance_Recs_API-&recs_type=related&recs_productId=3515787&recs_categoryId=0&recs_productOrder=1&recs_placementId=PP_4&recs_source=Rich_Relevance_Recs_API&recs_strategy=

   3. I have these and agree that they are the magical bootie unicorn. I also have narrow-ish heels, and my solution has been to wear these booties with socks (but my heel doesn’t slide all the way out – if that’s the case for you, I’d probably try a different size).

      Clarification: I have the Vala. The Elvin are too high for me.

   4. I have a narrow heel so this happens to me a lot. Why not try some heel grips to see if they help? This is what I have to do for most of my shoes.

      1. Or sometimes putting a little pad under the ball of the foot helps keep my heels from slipping. Like these: http://www.beauty.com/foot-petals-tip-toes-black-iris/qxp139974?catid=298464

   5. I have these in brown and I love them. I have narrow heels and I sized down a half size.

      The only thing is that I wish I would have done was treated the leather right away when I got them, just to give them an extra layer of protection.

   6. You’ve hit on my two least favorite axioms of shoe shopping:

      1. You need to try on a few different sizes/widths at the same time to make the best choice. (Hello online shopping returns.)

      2. If it doesn’t fit properly, it never will.

   7. You could try some sort of insert like these http://www.beauty.com/products/prod.asp?pid=139978&catid=298464&aid=338669&aparam=139978&kpid=139978&CAWELAID=120142990000081513&CAGPSPN=pla&kpid=139978

      When I get awesome shoes that don’t fit quite right, I go to the insole section of the corner drugstore and buy a couple of choices that I think might work. I can usually find something that works great.

   8. I have those booties. I put a heel pad in the top part of the shoe (the part right at the opening) and then a heel pad in the back. I found the ankle opening was huge because I ordered a wide, which I only need for the forefoot, but they were so comfortable that I customized them to fit me. The drop in the shoe is at just the right place so that the weight is transferred onto the back of your foot, which is hard to find.

   9. I have the Elvin in suede black (sz 9) and suede navy (sz 8.5). The size 9, which is my normal boots size, is slightly bigger on me, especially when worn with bare feet. The size 8.5 is slightly tight but stretched a little bit with wear so it’s a better fit. However, the 8.5 is narrower at the opening which cuts into the big bone where by ankles hit my feet, making it less comfortable until the suede softened with wear. If you are between sizes and have bony feet like me, I would go a size up and get pads/heel grip.

      I was leery of the heel height at first but they turned out to be the most comfortable heels I own. I wore them for several hours of walking around and dancing on new years eve and my feet were perfectly happy.

   10. I have the Elvin – love the look and feel, but after wearing them once (and never outside) I saw some whitish residue, so I took a tissue and wiped the top of the shoe – and there was dye on the tissue! Now the color on the shoe looks off – like it’s faded or something. I need to return or exchange them…

3. Ooh, that’s pretty. Will have to pop my head into a Ann Taylor store next time I’m in the states.

4. Just a follow up from the protesters yesterday- they are all from occupy anarchy and have a history of hijacking other people’s causes. They are being condemned by the local civil rights activists. For those of you who were suprised that people didn’t know what the protests were for this is kind of the reason- these people protest everything.

   Also they complained that the news reporter was blocking their access to the hospital…. Gee who would ever do that.

   1. thanks for the update.

   2. Hmm. The Boston Globe says

      The well-organized protests were carried out on Martin Luther King’s birthday by activists calling attention to the deaths of unarmed black men at the hands of police in Missouri and New York.

      1. That is from yesterday.

         http://www.wcvb.com/news/boston-police-commr-evans-protestors-from-occupy-anarchist-groups-hijacking-cause/30747228

5. I’m a very glass half empty kind of girl, suspicious of everyone, tend to assume the worst about people. I was raised in an abusive home, and I’ve mostly worked through those issues; this is the last major one that I’ve decided needs some work. I have a handful of close relationships, but I find that my attitude stops me from being able to love people fully and to accept it from them. I’ve spent many years in therapy and I’m sort of done with it. Plus, I really think I can work through this myself. I’ve started by starting a “gratitude journal” to help me focus on the positive. Any other tips?

   1. From one abuse survivor to another: I think this is about self-protection. You think if you expect the worst from people it will lessen the pain if/when they hurt or disappoint you. So I would mull over the idea that 1) yes, people will hurt/disappoint you; 2) it will cause you pain when they do that; 3) you can’t lessen the pain by anticipating it; 4) but, by anticipating the worst you CAN cause yourself not to enjoy the good times you have with people; 5) you can and will survive if people hurt you. If you can trust yourself to take people, in all their messiness, as they come, you can focus less on trying to anticipate or avert pain and more on enjoying them in the moment.

      1. yeah, I know this on an intellectual level, and I think I do trust myself to just take things as they come. I’m trying to internalize that so I can feel warmth toward the people in my life on a more than passing basis. how do I get there?

         1. How do you feel about yourself?

            I find I feel more warmly/generously/open-hearted towards others when I feel good about myself (maybe because it’s easier to “convince” myself I’m “worthy” of their love/support/friendship/attention?)

            Also, I’ve retrained my brain to be kinder by forcing myself to think something nice about someone every time I catch myself thinking something negative about them. (Not to be applied to “legitimate” negative reactions to bad behavior – like the opposing counsel who’s yelling at me for no reason, he doesn’t get a nice thought – but applied more to things where I’d catch myself thinking “gosh, he seems dumb,” or “wow that’s an ugly shirt” about an acquaintance, or something unkind about a closer friend when I know the more loving thing is to give them the benefit of the doubt around whatever’s bringing out my inner mean girl.)

   2. I found the book “Calling in the One” to be really helpful – it’s for dating but is applicable to all relationships. However, if you’re done with therapy, this may not be what you’re looking for.

      1. well, I meant done with therapy in that I don’t have the time or money to continue with it, and I think I can solve this without an actual therapist. Books are helpful, thanks.

   3. A “glass half empty kind of girl, suspicious of everyone, tend to assume the worst about people”–this is me as well. It’s an interesting, sometimes humorous view of the world, but no easy path to happiness. First of all, did you explore possible depression with your therapist? How do you feel toward medication? In my case, being straight with myself about the underlying problem was very hard on the ego but also brought a lot of relief. Other things that help me: 1) religious beliefs that acknowledge how crappy people can be and somehow work with that; 2) identifying writers who manage to take a kind and compassionate view of characters’ flaws and integrating some of their perspectives in dealing with real people; 3) music that speaks of how awful life is and how treacherous relationships are in such extreme terms that you end up thinking “come on–it can’t really be as bad as all that!” I recommend blues and 90’s rock. Gratitude is huge as well, so good on you for already focusing there.

   4. Not exactly what you asked, but I remember doing a course on EQ/Emotional Intelligence, and heard that gratefulness (which I prefer to “gratitude”) is the key to happiness. I have found that to be true. I used to write a gratitude journal of 3 things I was grateful each day, and it helped me feel happier and maintain perspective that overall life is good. Now DH and I share 3 things we are grateful for each evening when we get into bed, and I’ve found that saying them aloud is even better and sharing them with each other has brought a don’t-sweat-the-small-stuff calm into our relationship. The rules are that it has to be for something specific (“I’m grateful that my sister sent me a hilarious snapchat today” vs. “I’m grateful for family”) so that it doesn’t become lipservice.

6. Posted yesterday, but hoping for more recommendations –

   Any recommendations for tax accountants in the DC area? I’m a medical resident, so I don’t make a whole lot of money, but have some family investments that complicate things.

   TIA!

   1. Silver Spring who’s done a great job and continues for us even though we’ve moved out of state: http:// zackcpa . com/

      Remove spaces to enter into browser.

      Also he has great other connections – i.e. we used the family attorney he recommended for our wills, POA, etc.

7. Vicarious shopping challenge. Can anyone recommend a work tote that’s similar in size and general style (structured with some organizing pockets, not a lot of logos or hardware) as the medium Rebecca Minkoff MAB bag, and no more than $300? I love my medium MAB but the handles are failing after only 3 months. I like both leather and nylon, a longer handle would be nice too. Will be used for daily papers, but no laptop or shoes, so don’t need anything huge. Thanks!

   1. I’ve heard good things about the Sydney bags from Fossil… and on going onto their website to check that that is indeed the name, I’ve fallen in love with the Emerson tote.

   2. If the handles are failing, see if the maker or the retailer will make it right. If not, you might look into having a cobbler put on new handles.

   3. Brooks Brothers has some gorgeous totes/satchels in their long weekend sale for $200-250 that might do the trick for you.

   4. MZWallace – might be towards the top of your budget, but you should find something at the right price point, especially if you check out their sales. I have one I’ve been beating to death daily for almost 2 years now, and I still get compliments on how great it looks.

      If I could afford it, I’d seriously replace every bag I own with MZWallaces in a variety of sizes and colors.

   5. Furla lotus large carry-all? Out of stock online at Furla, but Dillards/ Amazon etc still seem to have some different colors on sale. I am trying to find one in Myrtle(magenta) myself…

      1. The magenta one is available at luxurybuddy dot com. It’s beautiful.

         http://luxurybuddy.com/products/furla-lotus-medium-carryall-bag-mirto-754478handbags-clutches?utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=googlepla&variant=928356949&gclid=CLjagsu2mcMCFZSPfgodBAQAuA

         1. Wow, thank you so much!!

            1. Thank you for your suggestions everyone. I just bought the black Furla Lotus from Dillards on sale!

8. Help! I need winter fashion advice.

   Office attire has been a journey from me; I worked at an outdoors job before law school, and my wardrobe at that time was basically jeans, boots, polo shirts, and baseball caps. I had to buy clothes for law school and suits for working during the summers. For a long time, even in my first job out of school, I just leaned heavily on suits as a boring but dependable option. Over time, I have finally found my style: classic and tailored dresses, skirt suits, blazers, etc. I’ve even learned to accessorize (a minor miracle).

   However, I am still baffled by hose and tights. I’m pro-hose, as it makes my pale (think: so-pale-they’re-blue) legs look normal and makes me look more professional, but I really don’t like tights and (I realize irrationally) think that they make me look like a seven year old. I wear them occasionally with riding boots and dresses or skirts. But my question is this — can I get away with wearing my normal hose in the winter with heels (they’re slightly darker than nude, but don’t make me look orange/tan – more of just giving me a consistent skin tone)? Or am I supposed to switch to tights or dark hose in the winter? If I switch to darker hose or tights, I get the concept of black tights or hose with black shoes and a black outfit. But what if I’m wearing a khaki dress that I’d typically wear with brown heels? What color tights do I wear? Can I wear hose? If so, what color?

   Sorry for all the questions, but I’m obviously clueless on this topic. If I could just get away with wearing my regular hose all year, I would, but I don’t know if this is a major faux-pas. And wearing hose with tall boots is a definite no, even if your dress is very tasteful and classic? Feel free to ridicule! If it matters, I’m a corporate associate at a mid-size firm, and our office is somewhat conservative, but not ultra conservative.

   1. It’s not inappropriate to wear nude hose all year round. I wear them with tall boots too. Most people who switch to tights do so because tights are warmer. I do wear black tights most of the time in winter, but like you, I have trouble figuring out which tights to wear with colors that don’t go with black. With those outfits I often default to nude hose (which my daughter endearingly used to refer to as “clear tights”) and, often, boots.

      1. Clear tights- too funny.

         I also don’t like wearing tights because I do feel like my old seven-year-old self who couldn’t wait until she was old enough to wear hose like the teenaged girls I admired. Of course, this makes me feel really old…

   2. If you like hose, wear it. There is no faux-pas with wearing them with boots. If you are wearing a khaki dress, wear what YOU think looks good. Nude is fine, jet black might be a little jarring, but it depends on the shade of khaki and how you’re wearing it.

      I personally hate hose, don’t wear it, and only wear black tights/hose/whatever they are in winter because I like wearing skirts + knee high boots rather than pants in winter. As soon as it’s somewhat warmish I ditch the black tights and go bare legged, usually without shaving my legs (because I can).

   3. I don’t know what the consensus will be here, but personally, I think hose are fine for winter as long as you are warm enough. It might look maybe strange if you are walking to work on a cold day in Chicago or Boston, but if you don’t spend a lot of time outside or if you live in a more temperate climate, I think hose are perfectly acceptable. Honestly, I wish I could wear them for the reasons you describe (one less thing to match), but my commute makes it impossible from a warmth perspective.

      I tend to just wear black heels all winter, with black tights, and make sure to add splashes of black elsewhere in my outfit. It is too stressful to deal with the shades of brown, navy, gray….

      1. I agree with this. I know Belle at CapHillStyle abides by the 2 out of 3 rule: that between your skirt, tights, and shoes, two out of three of them should be the same color. But I still stumble when I want to wear a navy skirt, or a khaki skirt, etc., and usually just default to black skirts and dresses. I do use my grey tights with black shoes more often than I thought I would, though. They sometimes “soften” all the black.

      2. I admit, there’s a woman on my team who frequently wears sheer hose in winter, and I find myself thinking she looks crazy and must be freezing. My general rule is that if at first glance you can’t tell whether you’re wearing anything on your legs in winter, it’s too sheer.

         1. Aw man now I feel funny. I had to wear a suit today (usually don’t on Fridays) and ended up with only a navy suit that I hadn’t worn yet this week, and I don’t have leg wear to match except nude hose! Guess it is time to get a pair of grey heels or booties to wear with grey tights?

            1. you can wear black hose with a navy suit, and black shoes, no problem.

            2. Lots of women can but it looks weird on me, to me :)

            3. I’m definitely on team black-hose-with-navy-suit. I actually think it looks quite chic. But hey, don’t worry about the nude hose! Most people probably won’t notice; I’m just very opinionated about things like that, and me thinking you look freezing isn’t going to impact my opinion of you in any way! I’m honest about my super judgmental thoughts on here, but would never say anything in real life, and neither will anyone else.

            4. I tend to think anything but black tights + black shoes looks weird, other than nude-for-you.

            5. I love my grey tights with grey boots when I find black tights/shoes too jarring with the rest of my outfit.

               I also bought some tightly woven nude fishnets, but have yet to wear them since it is super freezing here right now, but those might be an alternative where you live.

   4. While I don’t think hose year round is a total no-no, I do think that they can look off in winter weather (similar to wearing bare legs in winter). Sheerer tights (in the 20-40 denier range) will look more seasonably appropriate. Another option is to wear micro-fishnets, though they’re definitely office specific.

      If you’re unsure about what color to wear, start off by matching your tights to either your shoes or your skirt/dress. For example, khaki dress, dark brown tights and brown heels. Black, brown, dark grey and navy tights are all acceptable in a conservative office. You may even be able to add eggplant and evergreen to the mix.

   5. Nude-for-you hose is perfectly appropriate year-round. I personally don’t wear it in winter except for extremely formal events, just because it’s too darn cold, but I just got a hole in my pair of very opaque, very thick nude-for-me pair of hose that were almost like tights, and I will definitely be replacing them. I’d suggest searching for some really high denier hose (100+) or nude tights. Not sure if these are the right color for you, but they do exist:

      http://www.barenecessities.com/berkshire-shimmers-control-top-opaque-tights-4643_product.htm?pf_id=Berkshire4643&search=

      1. Oh those look great thanks for sharing.

   6. Not a faux pas but I don’t think hose are warm enough for the winter. Maybe try tights with a lower denier so they’ll still be partially sheer. Also avoid wearing white or colored tights if you don’t want to look like a little kid. More sedate colors like black, brown, navy and dark grey look chic IMO.

   7. Thank you to everyone! I am relieved I can wear nude hose all year, and those of you who said it was specifically ok with tall boots are my heroes.

      I agree that it could easily look “off” to wear hose in winter. I drive from my garage to the parking garage at work, so my time outside is very limited. When it is cold and/or snowy and icy, I wear insulated boots to commute. So at the end of the day, it’s really a small portion of my legs showing, and I don’t ever feel cold (I attribute this to being a field hockey player in high school – if you have enough layers on top and your lower legs are covered, wearing a kilt in cold weather was no big deal).

      @Baconpancakes – those tights look like something I definitely want to try. Thanks!
      @Zelda – that’s awesome advice about matching. I need to write that down and put it on the wall in my closet.
      @tesyaa – high five for hose + tall boots

      Thanks again for all the feedback. I feel so reassured. I think with this advice, I’m comfortable with wearing hose in the winter, but I do want to give tights another chance. Like I said initially, my professional wardrobe has been a journey, and I’m still a work in progress.

   8. Joining the chorus that you can definitely wear hose all winter and with tall boots.

9. Hi all – a question for the hive here: I’ve been in my current position for about 6 months. I love the work that I do and it’s been a great learning experience, but the work-life balance has been absolutely crazy (I’m working European hours for my one client and Pacific Standard Time hours for my other client based in LA…. I am based in NY). I found out about a job in an organization (Org X) that I think would be a great fit and after speaking to an acquaintance there, I think the skills that I’ve developed in my current role would make me an excellent fit for Org X – but with only 6 months under my belt at my current work, should I even apply? What are your thoughts of leaving an organization after only 6 months?

   1. I’d apply. Why not? Two things could happen: Org X could think you are a job hopper and could decline to interview you. Or, Org X could think that your skills would translate well to their organization, could interview and hire you. In the latter case, you’d conceivably have your perfect job. If you don’t apply, Org X could hire someone else and when you are ready to move in another 6-12 months, you’d be out of a job.

   2. Apply!!! It’s certainly not ideal, but one short job isn’t going to tank your resume unless you already have a track record of short jobs. Just have a good, employer-friendly explanation for why you want to leave so soon, because it will definitely come up. Ask a manager has good advice on how to handle this.

      Also, you never know how things will work out (they may take a while to process applications, there may be a temporary hiring freeze, they may consider you for a future position down the road) but at least you’ll get your foot in the door.

   3. I have a friend of a friend who was working similar hours, in London but dealing with clients both in Europe and in the US, and she left that job as soon as she could (PR/ Advertising). When she’s been asked why she left the job, she has mentioned the time zone issues and no-one has ever had a problem with it.

      1. +1 I don’t think most people would view this as you being high maintenance, flighty, overly-sensitive, or anything else negative. This is a legitimate reason for wanting to leave a job after a short period of time and I think most people could relate.

         1. Likewise, I worked at a well known fast food chain one summer and often get asked about my experience. My one sentence (completely true) summary is ‘I really enjoyed the work, especially the challenge of providing stellar customer service in a fast-paced environment, but I couldn’t cope with not knowing which days and hours I’d work each week until the Sunday of the preceding week.’ Most people I’ve said that to have had some reaction along the lines of ‘that’s horrible; I’m not surprised.’

   4. If you do get an interview, they may ask about “why only 6 months at old place?” and it sounds like you have the perfect answer, which is basically that you’re not really looking to leave current place so much as you couldn’t pass up the opportunity to join new place. I’ve applied to a new job on a similar timeline in the past, and no one ever seemed to have a problem with that answer (and in fact, it went over really well).

   5. I wouldn’t. What if the next place is also bad? After only 6 months you’ve barely settled in, let alone learned a lot. I’d stay and focus on eventually getting clients in the same time zone.

      1. +1. I’ll add that transitioning jobs, even to the perfect job, is highly stressful in itself. Meanwhile, your current role and/or client assignments could change for the better.

   6. Thanks for all the replies! I think I will apply – like many of you mentioned, what do I have to lose?

      1. I’d apply – but only take the other job if it really is a perfect fit, not just if it’s “less bad” than the current one. You really only get one “free pass” on a short job stint – so if you think you would be looking to leave the new position in less that 2 years (and 3-5 would be better) you probably shouldn’t go until you tough it out at your current place for around 2 years.

         Job hop once – ok, normal. But twice in a row starts making your resume look fishy. How long were you at the job before this one?

         1. +1 Definitely apply, but only switch if you’re going to stick at new place for at least two years. Two short stints on an application for a third position is a red flag.

         2. I was at my previous job for a little over two years (that was my first full time job after graduating from college, so I think I’m OK on that front – right? Prior to that I had a full-time internship for one year, and several other internships during college.

            1. Two years in a previous job and six months at the current one wouldn’t raise any flags for me in the hiring process (although I agree you should be as certain as possible the new gig would be bettter than the old one). The one year internship position and previous college internships would not carry much weight with me in the “are you stable/reliable” category. At this stage, they are only relevant in addition professional experience or training. My POV, of course.

            2. IMO, you’re fine now with two years at one job and six months at another. But another <1 year stint would be a red flag for me if I were hiring for the potential third position (and there wasn't an obvious relocation, graduation, etc). I'd definitely ask at an interview and depending on your fit/experience relative to other applicants, it could be enough to prevent you from getting an interview.

               Agree that internships don't mean anything for reliability/stability. Outside of specific skill development and general exposure to work environment (and perhaps useful connections), they aren't very meaningful at this point.

10. Hello Hive!
    I rarely TJ on here but today, I feel the need to.
    I spent 5.5 years at my current (first and only) employer. Started as a summer intern, was hired before finishing school. I was brilliant, accumulated 3 functions without complaining and endured my abusive manager (and came here often to complain about it). Many of you probably recall my bitter battle to move to a new assignment. I did get a different assignment 2 years ago but am very disappointed. I have not had any support, due to various tragedies, I didn’t have a manager all this period because my managers would go on undetermined leave of absence to cater for family matters.
    I realized, I am bitter about my old job, bitter about having nothing to do in my current job and disappointed that I have no career outlook: impossible to get a promotion within such a small team with flat roles.
    I have burned bridges with my former business unit and I see no future in the current team.
    The problem is that I worked in 4 different types of functions by learning very fast and most of these functions normally require specific diplomas (JD, MD etc.) but I was at a company that allowed lateral movement. Sadly with 3 years of restructuring, we have been downsizing to no end and I can no longer move laterally.
    How do I find a new job? I do not have a legal diploma and do not want to go back to school (I need the income), I am not interested in doing my previous technical job elsewhere because it has changed due to new regulations and I am out of touch and frankly think it is not intellectually challenging.
    The one function I loved doing was corporate PR but I haven’t worked in this field for 3 years and I’m scared to fail at a new job and have no way back. I am also afraid that my pay level would be considered too high if I change (“given the economy”… a sentence I sure hear quite often).
    My job pays well… very well but is killing my spirit every day for the past 2 years and I can go days with nothing to do nor the will to work.
    As most of you know, I’m not US-based. I just want general advice I can use.

    1. No advice really, but it was interesting to see your post go from, “Started as a summer intern,” “hired before finishing school,” “I was brilliant,” and “learning very fast,” to… “I’m scared to fail at a new job.”
       Change is scary, no doubt, and there’s definitely some truth to the comfort of the “devil you know” versus the unknown. But you’ve already demonstrated that you’re a quick learner, hard working, and produce good work product. It’ll be different starting somewhere else, but you’ll be fine because of those things.

    2. Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Friday’s and Ann Taylor! I love pleat’s too, but Frank alway’s start’s looking at my pleated shirt’s with his pencil hopeing that he will see something! FOOEY on Frank and men that will steep to whatever depth’s are necessary to grab our boobie’s!

       As for the OP, my advise is to alway’s put your best foot forward, even if you have, in the past, stepped in workplace poopie doeing your previous high-stepping. In your case, just look around for the best job you can find and ask to be considered for it. If they ask you why you did certain thing’s in the past the answer is easy — you were younger then and you know a lot more now about the company and it’s limitation’s. Hence, even if you are viewed negatively as a trouble maker, you can advance if you state you’ve learned your lesson.

       Re learning, Myrna’s brother says he wants to learn how to cook and think’s I can teach him. I told him about my cookeing class, and he signed up to be near me. He said he likes being near me b/c of the pheremone’s. That explain’s all of the sniffing. For a while I thought he was a coke addict, but he onley want’s to sniff me, Myrna says. Mabye this guy might be worth a try, dad says, and dad is very smart. I think I will have him meet dad and dad can vet him for me, b/c I do NOT have any other men sniffeing around other then Frank and he is a dirtbag who already has a wife! FOOEY on men that would want to do that to their wifes. DOUBEL FOOEY!

    3. I agreed that change is hard and scary, but you obviously have wonderful skills that can be transferable to all sorts of positions, regardless of the lack of a specific academic degree. And if your current job has been killing your spirit for two years, you owe it to yourself to get out and find something new.

       It make take more than one move, but you will find the right job where your awesomeness is appreciated.

    4. I’m sorry you feel so trapped. It is a truly miserable feeling. When I was asking for job advice the other day on thissite (small town, limited opportunities in my specific field, etc…) I was give some really good advice to do a skills based job search instead of a title based job search.

       It was great advice! I looked at my resume, picked out the job skills I enjoyed most and had the most experience in. I’ve already been able to apply to a couple of jobs. It certainly gave me a boost of self-confidence and a bit of optimism.

       Maybe a skills based job searching could be a good thing for you. It sounds like you have a varied skill set and that makes you valuable.

       1. Thank you, indeed the word to best describe what I am going through is “trapped”.
          I will parse my resume tonight and see what I can get from it.

    5. You sound miserable. Why not just start looking and applying to new jobs? Take it one step at a time. When I’ve been unhappy in my job situations, it’s actually really motivating to see other opportunities out there and to do something about it. Your career seems really important to you, so I doubt you’ll resign yourself to your current position and live a content life as is. Some people can do that, but you seem like a real go-getter who wants to keep growing and learning.

    6. You need to move on from your soul-sucking job. You already know there’s no future there, so why not put your efforts into finding a place where you do see a future, you look forward to going to work, etc. I was in your shoes once – feeling miserable at work and trapped, and fearful of working longer hours or taking a major paycut – but I took a leap and did it. Yes, I took a paycut and I work more, but I actually enjoy what I do, and I can see myself promoted and exceeding beyond what I was paid in my former job. So yes, make it a goal to find something new in 2015.

       How do you find a new job? You network with anyone and everyone you know who is either in a field you are interested in or at a company you would like to join. Just invite people for coffee or lunch and ask them about their experience there and ask them to give you advice (you don’t have to tell them you are looking around unless they ask). People love talking about themselves. Then, things will happen – people will learn about an opening and think, “oh, Houda would be a great candidate for this position.” Some will even want to get some kind of referral bonus, too. Good luck!

    7. Thank you all for your great advice. I strongly believe this is the year for me to get a new job.

11. Nice pick, Kat -that sold out quick!

    1. It’s a very pretty top! I guess I’ll have to go for the black now…

12. A woman on the sidewalk today had a simple, small crossbody handbag around the size of the Lo and Sons Pearl, but in a soft brown leather with a flap, and my huge, beloved satchel seemed unwieldy and ridiculous in comparison. I immediately began wondering where to buy one, but suddenly remembered my mother carrying an extremely similar bag during my childhood, and as a teen, thinking her handbag choices were impossibly frumpy.

    Am I… turning into my mother?

    Oh well, there’s worse things than turning into my mother. She’s a pretty cool lady, questionable fashion choices aside. Also, does anyone have recommendations for a similar bag, <$200? I seem to remember J.Crew making one, but I can't find it.

    1. I, too, have felt this shame! But then I wonder where the classy-small-bagged-lady keeps her water bottle, sneakers, and lunch.

       1. I was really proud this morning when I got out of the house with just my Lo&Sons, not also a duffel bag and also a tote bag… I don’t know how other people do it. They must have lockers at the gym and buy their lunches?

          1. I’ve tried just bringing a duffel bag of gym clothes on Monday and leaving it at my desk, but then the gross clothes need to be taken home…

             I’m guessing they a) buy their lunch, and b) work out at home or don’t work out.

             1. I transport my clothes, but leave my towel, hair dryer, etc in my office. I can fit clothes, shoes, and lunch in my le pliage.

    2. This one is pretty classic: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/fossil-mini-sydney-convertible-crossbody-bag/3873612?cm_cat=partner&cm_ite=1&cm_pla=10&cm_ven=Linkshare&siteId=J84DHJLQkR4-HpoeOwsYJ6SKt1t4jaPZrQ

       I love bags this size for the weekend but can’t fit everything I need for workdays.

       1. Yes! I use small bags on the weekend. I love the file tabs in the fossil bag but I can’t see what they say.

          1. They say “This” “That” and “the Other” which is less helpful than I imagined.

13. Going to Miami the weekend after next! I’ve never been before. We get in Friday night and are staying in Brickell, so we would like to eat/go out in that area (doing South Beach on Saturday night). So, recs for restaurants (with veggie options) and bars in Brickell? We’re all in our late 20s and are looking for something very “Miami” but not toooooo crazy. TIA!

    1. it’s not exactly in your area but we had a fantastic meal at Michael’s Genuine when we were there on vacation last year.

       1. yes, Michael’s is great! Much better than any restaurant I’ve ever been to in Brickell.

    2. Brickell is really close to the financial district there, so it’s not as tourist friendly. Be prepared to spend $$ on Uber or taxis to get to places like Lincoln Road (great shopping and food) or Coconut Grove instead. Coconut Grove is probably the closest fun area, though Lincoln Road is worth the trip because it’s a much bigger area. Don’t both going to Key Biscayne (close-ish to Brickell) unless it’s to go to the beach. It’s basically the suburbs, but with beaches.

       Great Italian restaurant in Coconut Grove you should check out: Sapore di Mare. Went there last time with my MIL and had a fantastic dinner. It’s tiny, but the chef knows what he’s doing.

       Good luck and have fun! My in-laws live there, so we visit regularly. I was hanging out at the beach on Dec. 23rd and the water was warmer than it gets in California in August.

14. Is it hypocritical for me to not want to date an overweight guy if I am overweight myself?

    I feel shallow. But I want someone to motivate me and keep me active, not the other way around.

    1. Unfortunately I think it is (don’t worry, I’m sure I have plenty of hypocritical opinions).

       While I like dating people with shared values, I do think it is ultimately your responsibility to motivate yourself with respect to fitness etc. Maybe if you start on a path of losing weight by yourself and get active, you can date someone who is on the same path as you.

       Also, you are allowed to date whomever you want, obviously. If you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it.

    2. In dating, you get to make whatever choices you want. Not attracted to him? Don’t date him.

       But if you’re looking for someone to motivate you and keep you active, that’s a trainer not a boyfriend. If you want to date someone who has a shared interest in taking long walks and weekend hikes go for it. But it should be pretty clear to you that an overweight person can still be active.

       Looking for a romantic partner to fix your life, whether it’s with money, fitness, personality etc is usually a recipe for disaster.

       1. I agree with this analysis. Do you know for a fact that he’s inactive or are you just assuming?

       2. Great response. I totally agree with everything you said.

    3. Well, yes. By definition, a hypocrite is someone who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings. I assume you believe overweight people should be datable, but you are wanting to act in contradiction to that belief.

       But. You get to date who you want to date. You get to set whatever criteria you want, and if they’re shallow or deep or whatever, they’re your criteria and you get to apply them in your dating life.

       That said, I think the person who needs to motivate you and keep you active is you.

    4. Are you yourself active but overweight? Personally, I’m overweight (or “curvy”), and have been my whole adult life, but I am very active and almost all my vacation and leisure time involves some combination of running half marathons/marathons, expert off-piste skiing/boarding, climbing/hiking, dance, etc., and I would have a really hard time dating someone who doesn’t have a similar energy/activity level, which tends to exclude a lot of overweight people my age. My partner shares most of my interests, which means we can do things together, want to go on the same holidays and share an understanding of where our money goes, all of which I think makes for a healthy relationship.

       But if you want someone to motivate you and make you an active person, that should really come from you or a professional, not a romantic partner.

    5. Not shallow per se, attraction is important but a tad unrealistic, perhaps. Men tend to be more physically picky, and you may find your options limited. Not trying to be harsh, just realistic. Weight is also fluid and can be changed. I’d focus on personality and if getting healthy is important to you, you might find an overweight guy who feels the same way and you can inspire each other.

       1. Three years ago I attended the wedding of two very obese friends. Since then they’ve lost a combined 160lb. Just seconding the advice that a supportive partner is more important than a thin one to achieving your goals.

    6. It’s not hypocritical unless you get upset about men who don’t want to date overweight women. You get to make whatever choices you want, although so does everyone else.

    7. I agree with all the comments below but I just wanted to add: there’s nothing wrong with being a little shallow in your dating preferences, as long as you’re not writing off everyone for shallow reasons. Personally, I’m more attracted to men in suits and I’ve only ever dated professionals or people with office jobs. It’s a personal preference that’s probably a little shallow but you can’t help who you’re attracted to.

       If you’re attracted to him but don’t want to date him because he’s overweight, that’s a different issue, I think.

    8. You’re definitely allowed to not date whomever you want. The potential difficulty is that if you want to date an “active” guy (I assume you are using “active” to mean slim and muscular, because obviously many overweight people engage in activities) because being with a slim and muscular guy will motivate you to become more slim and muscular, the guy might feel similarly and prefer to date a slim and muscular girl who will continue to motivate him.

    9. Thin people aren’t necessarily active and vice versa…

       If you’re not active, that’s fine, but don’t delude yourself into thinking that a fit, active guy is going to turn you into a fit, active woman. If you want someone to do activities with and you already do these activities, then yeah, go for it. But your motivation has to come from within, not another person. Honestly I avoided inactive people when dating because I wanted to date someone who had a similar lifestyle to mine who would be up for anything.

       1. This. Just because someone is thin doesn’t mean they are active. I am thin, but definitely the opposite of active.

          On the other hand, someone could be overweight and really active. I think who you want to look for is someone who enjoys being active and wants to do these activities with you, regardless of their weight (unless you just aren’t attracted to them).

    10. You’re not obligated to date a guy just to avoid being a hypocrite, but at the same time, I feel like you’re committing some logical fallacies here: (1) all overweight people are sedentary; (2) you’d be more active yourself if you dated someone who was active; and (3) a sedentary partner can’t be a source of encouragement/motivation for an active person.

        On the first one, people of all shapes and sizes are active – just check out the middle of the pack at any marathon or half-marathon and you’ll see just about every body type out there represented. Never mind that different sports require different body types – ever seen an Olympic heavyweight weightlifter? Not the first body-type that would come to mind if you were asked to picture someone “fit,” but they’re elite athletes.

        On the second one, if you’re not active now, having an active partner won’t magically make you be more active. If anything, it can create a weird parenting/nagging dynamic where your active partner is constantly trying to pull you off the couch and you end up feeling like a scolded kid or something. There’s also a real risk of injury if you go from doing nothing to trying to keep up with a marathon runner or an experienced Crossfitter or whoever your partner ends up being.

        On the last one, sometimes a “couch potato” partner can be one of your best encouragers as an active person – my husband is a lot less active than I am, but he’s really supportive of the things I do and encourages me in a way that more-active partners of my past never did.

        None of this means you have to date this particular guy – if you don’t want to, don’t (it’s really that simple when it comes to dating/attraction). But if your goal is “find a partner who will support my pursuit of a healthy lifestyle,” a guy’s weight doesn’t necessarily mean he won’t that partner, nor does a guy being thin/fit-looking/whatever necessarily guarantee he will.

        1. Seconding this – my last partner was a couch potato, so I felt like I was always nagging him when I wanted to go hiking or camping, and I ended up not getting outside as much as I’d like. My partner now loves the outdoors as much as I do, and having a partner who suggests we go for a short hike or even a walk instead of suggesting a movie is fantastic, and makes me way more active.

           Basically, find someone who wants to do the same things you want to do. I think everyone already covered the whole “looks are deceiving” as to activeness, and also that you don’t have to date anyone you’re not attracted to, but shouldn’t write someone off because they’re overweight if you otherwise would like to date them.

    11. Have you met the guy or is this based on just a photo on a dating site? If you’re not attracted to him, then that’s one thing. But if you’re just rejecting him because you think he might not be active enough or you’re using the same generalizations that others (may) use on you, then I think that may be unfair. If this is a dating site situation, go out on one date and see what he’s like. You never know–he might be active, but it’s hard for him to lose weight for other reasons. Or his New Year’s resolution is to drop 40 pounds this year and he’s already doing it. (I had a college professor who joked he was the fittest fat man he knew. Ran marathons and biked long distance but still resembled Humpty Dumpty — his words.)

    12. When I dated someone that ate junk, I ate junk. My spouse is a ridiculously healthy eater so I tend to eat that way too now. We certainly pick up a lot of our partners traits. I would just caution you though to seek someone that eats healthy /is active rather than someone that just looks that way. I know plenty of skinny people that don’t work out and eat junk and plenty of larger people that eat super healthy.

    13. Is he active?
        One of the most overweight guys I know walks everywhere and is the life of the party when he dances. I don’t necc. think you can tell people’s lifestyle by how they appear.

15. How to motivate SO to get in shape? I already invite him to do fun active things with me a lot. Most of the time he’s not interested, I think because he doesn’t find that particular kind of activity appealing. But I’m running out of ideas!

    1. You can’t. Sorry.

       1. But you can always try other activities in case it really just is that he doesn’t like that particular activity.

          1. If he was into the idea, he would suggest going for that hike or bike ride or whatever himself instead of waiting to be asked.

       2. +1.

          And if he’s anything like me, the quickest way to get him to root himself to the couch is through “work on being less fat please” messages thinly veiled as invitations to do “fun active things” that are no fun at all to me. (For example, if my mother tells me to “just try Zumba, it’s fun!” one more time, I will likely explode, and also thanks to her “friendly invitations” I’ve gone from 75% no on Zumba to 100% no, not ever, not even if it would win me a million dollars, nope.)

          He’ll figure it out or he won’t. He’ll find something he likes or he won’t. But there’s no magical combination of words that’s going to get him to “get in shape” on your timeline or by doing what you think is “fun” to do.

          1. This brings up a good point. A relationship blog I frequently read has had columns about what to do when your SO or spouse puts on weight and what you should do in that case. The blog author suggested that one gently tell their SO or spouse and then suggest that “we” need to be more active and offer activities that “we” can do together for our health. So, what DO you do if your SO or spouse puts on a few pounds and your attraction level wanes a little?

             1. You get the f over yourself, realize you’re not entitled to perfection, work on being a better person in case your judgy shallowness is a turn off for them, and really think about whether you want for better or worse to have an asterisk saying except if you get fat.

                Or own your shallowness and only get involved with people who share it.

             2. Excuse me, ANONYMOUS, I asked a legitimate question. No one is asking for perfection, and let’s not pretend that this does not happen in relationships. Call it shallow or “judgy,” but it is a thing, nonetheless, as are all other preferences with regard to attraction to the opposite sex.

                Also, to be clear, I did not say that this was MY situation. I’m very content with my man and my relationship.

                So, how about you miss me with the attitude, particularly if you won’t even identify yourself so I can bypass your comments altogether.

                Next.

             3. Anonymous said it less than pleasantly, but yes, basically, what she said. It’s just not ever cool to comment on another person’s body. When you marry someone, you sign up for the good, the bad, the ugly, and yes, even the fat. If your level of attraction to your spouse is so shallow that “a few pounds” causes you to no longer be attracted to them, that’s a you problem, not a spouse problem.

                Also that tired old bit about “suggest being more active together!” has been around for. ev. er. Assuming your spouse has eyeballs, the ability to read, and access to the internet, s/he’s seen it, and s/he knows it’s code for “honey, your fatness is killing my ladyboner,” and s/he’s going take it to mean that no matter how “carefully worded” your “helpful suggestion” is.

                I mean, apply it to any other appearance issue, and you can just see how ludicrous it is. “Honey, I notice we’ve both gotten more wrinkly, let’s get botox together!” “Sweetie, ever since the baby your b**bs are dragging, and hey, my b@lls are saggy too, what do you say we sign up for his-n-hers plastic surgery?” Come on. You know this kind of body policing isn’t okay, even when couched in terms of “we.” It doesn’t become okay because somebody’s – gasp! – fat.

             4. Thank you, Killer Kitten Heels. I appreciate your thoughtful, well-stated response. It was just of particular note to me because you are saying that you would hate if your SO did exactly what this particular relationship blogger said to do.

             5. Yup. News flash. Being a relationship blogger doesn’t make you infallible.

             6. I’d also add that significant swings in weight over a short period of time (really significant, not one or two pants sizes) can be indicative of health/mental health/stress issues. If someone puts on 50 or 60 lbs in a year, something is likely going on, beyond “I realized I like pizza.” In that specific circumstance, I do think you could have one – ONE! – conversation with a spouse along the lines of “hey, you’ve put on 60 lbs since last January, what’s up with that? Are you okay?”, but the focus should be on whether the person is ok and what steps they might take to figure out what’s going on with their body (usually this would include a physical, possibly a check-in with a therapist if there’s a potential mental health issue at play, re-examining work/life balance). This conversation would NOT include “let’s be more active together!” because chances are, activity level is not the root cause of serious weight gain in a short period of time, but is instead a symptom of something else.

                If your problem is “you used to have a six pack but now you put on ten pounds and it’s gone and I thought is was s*xy so I’m less attracted to you now that you don’t have it,” you keep it to yourself and figure out why you made a lifelong commitment to someone when your attraction to them was based exclusively/predominantly on something as fleeting as physical appearance.

             7. Anonymous may think its shallow–but when partners stop finding each other attractive, a whole host of ugly problems can arise. Aren’t we supposed to address potential issues with our partners rather than let them fester until they become big problems?

                Sorry, wanting to be attracted to my partner does not make me a bad person. I guess I disagree that any sort of comment on your spouse’s appearance (when you’re expected to and want to have regular s*x with that person) is impermissible “body policing”. That stance is just too extreme for me.

                And seriously anonymous, for someone lambasting others for being judgmental, well……

             8. KKH – I’m mostly in agreement with you but I think it is fair to recognize that we all have preferences and dislikes when it comes to attractiveness. I think to some degree, when you get married, you take on a bit of a duty to avoid doing something that makes yourself unattractive to your spouse. Marriage takes work and working on yourself is part of that. Within reason. Telling your spouse to lose weight so they are more attractive (to you, if that matters to you) isn’t going to work anyway. Feeling like you would like your spouse to lose weight so they are more attractive (to you, if that matters to you) isn’t 100% horrible. I’d say a spouse who hates long hair on guys is okay saying “I prefer you don’t grow that mullet out.”

             9. Anonymous @ 1:52–Thank you. That was so enlightening. Again, miss me.

                Anonymous @ 2:10–I tend to agree with you, which is why I posed the question. Because weight was topical, I couched the question in terms of that, but a loss of attraction (or even a decrease in attraction) could be due to a lot of factors. Some of those factors are ones that can be improved upon for the good of the relationship. I would address the issue and would want my SO or spouse to do the same.

                Blonde Lawyer–Also agree that feeling like you want your SO or spouse to lose weight so they are more attractive isn’t 100% horrible.

             10. To clarify, if the lack of six-pack abs is a serious problem for you, then yes, you should have a conversation about that, like you would about anything that creates a serious relationship problem. But the conversation needs to be real, not “oh hey, honey, want to do some sit-ups with me? It’ll be super fun!” And if you have the conversation once, and the answer is “I like beer more than I like sit-ups and this is the new me, sorry,” then you have to make a decision about the future of your relationship based on that answer, not try to trick or cajole your spouse into regular core workouts. It’s the idea that there’s some magic way to avoid a distasteful conversation about how your spouse’s new appearance is affecting your relationship that rubs me wrong, and the idea that you get to indirectly comment on your spouse’s appearance on an ongoing basis through this passive-aggressive “let’s be active!” nonsense that screams inappropriate body policing to me.

          2. So, just to be clear, he’s not fat at all. I think he wants to lose weight, but he most certainly does not need to; he’s quite thin. Attractive too, so that isn’t the issue.

    2. What minds of activities have you been suggesting? Does he want to get in shape? Has he mentioned things he enjoys and would like to do more often?

       1. Yeah he wants to get in shape. Part of it is not having a ton of time. He likes to do hard manual labor, but the opportunities for that don’t really exist at the moment, unfortunately. I’ve suggested running with me. Originally he hated the idea, but now he does it on his own. Won’t join me though, and doesn’t like to run outside. Suggested yoga, but that’s too middle aged woman for him, it seems. he enjoys hiking, but it’s not the season for that, plus it takes a ton of time to get there, hike, come back. I think he mostly likes exercise that’s part of an activity that doesn’t feel like exercise.

          1. Wait so he does run on his own? Then I think you should let him be. He’s found a thing. And maybe suggest a rec sports league?

             But honestly just stop. You’re probably really irritating him at this point.

          2. FWIW, I dislike running with other people, so don’t take it personally.

             Suggestions: weight lifting, volunteering at a food bank etc that would involve manual labor, connecting with an activity group closer (team in training, rowing club, crossfit)

             And I agree that if he’s running, then stop. He’s already doing it.

          3. If he’s running on his own, he *is* getting in shape. What more do you want out of the guy?

             (That said, I agree with hoola hoopa that he might like Crossfit or a weightlifting class/training group or similar, but at this point I think it’s more important for you to just lay off than to get him into Crossfit or whatever.)

             ETA: And if the answer to “what more do you want out of the guy?” is really “I want him to be less fat,” I second Blonde Lawyer and Senior Attorney below, and would even more strongly recommend backing the heck off. As a fat but active person, believe me, I can hear the “why are you still fat” underneath the “want to go to yoga?”.

       2. “Does he want to get in shape?”

          That’s the critical question. If the answer is no (right now, at least), then there’s not really anything you can do besides perhaps be a role model. If the answer is yes, but he’s not getting traction, then definitely keep trying and see if he can communicate what’s keeping him from doing it.

    3. Don’t make it “about his health” either unless he really has a health issue that doctors have said would be remedied by “getting in shape.” Also, what do you mean by “get in shape?” Lose weight, gain muscle, look “better” in your eyes? Or have better cardiovascular health, ability to lift heavy things, stamina, less prone to injury.

       I look in far better shape (the first type above) than I am. When my husband suggests I work out to be healthy I hear criticism about my looks even though that isn’t at all what he means. When my chiropractor suggests that my weak shoulders are making me more prone to injuries, I’m more apt to want to weight lift. When I realize I’m winded after a flight of stairs I realize I need to up the cardio.

       Be aware that suggestions from a SO are often taken more personally. If you can tie it to legitimate health issues I think you can tread in, but carefully. Avoid perceived but not real health issues. Bigger doesn’t always mean unhealthy.

    4. And honestly, if by “get in shape” you mean “lose weight,” exercise is far less important than eating habits. The weight battle is really won or lost at the table far more than in the gym.

       By which I mean to suggest you back off on the nagging about exercise, not that you become the Food Police.

    5. Not sure this will work for you, but in the past, when I started working out and lost some weight, and looked better, dressed more attractively due to boosted confidence, and got more attention from people other than my SO, he started a fitness routine because he was worried about not being hot enough for me.

       Mostly joking, but guys do tend to be more jealous/possessive?

    6. As someone with relatives who have chronic health issues, the desire to take better care of one’s health comes from within.

    7. Since he already wants to get in shape and is running – did you mean you are trying to support him rather than motivate him? I have lots of suggestions for how to support your SO.

       1. Ok, let’s hear them. Maybe that’s more what I meant, I don’t know. We both want to have healthy eating/exercise habits, and we do except that he could be active more than he is and do some strength training. He has expressed a desire for these things, so maybe “support” is more accurate than motivate.

          1. Maybe Wildkitten will have something I haven’t thought of, but as a generally active person, “support” only works for me after I’ve already come up with my own plan. “Support” is things like using headphones in the office after 10pm so I can sleep (apartment has thin walls), or noticing I forgot to set up my water bottle for the morning and doing it for me or reminding me to do it, or cooking dinner (usually my chore) two nights a week so I can get to my yoga class or whatever. Basically, making the thing I’ve already decided to do easier to stick to, not deciding what I’m going to do before I’ve had a chance to figure it out myself.

             1. Well, he says he’d like to run a 5 or 10k with me. He hasn’t because he feels poor and doesn’t want to pay the entry fee. If I said “let’s do it!” and paid the fee for both of us, would that qualify as supporting?

             2. Whether is qualifies as supporting or not is up to your SO, not us. His opinion is the one that matters.

             3. Obviously it’s SO-dependent, but the way you describe it, if I were in his shoes that’d probably feel supportive, since you’d be enabling me to do something I’ve already expressed interest in (vs. trying to get me to do something I haven’t expressed any interest in, which is where the line between “supportive” and “nagging” generally falls for me).

          2. I think cooking new recipes together at home is a great way to be healthy as a couple. You could try something like Blue Apron as a starter kit. You can make sure there are easy healthy snacks around so when y’all are hungry there’s a good choice readily available. You can try different new activities together like hiking or flying trapeze.

16. I just finished Wild (which was amazing) and am looking for more memoirs written by smart, interesting women. Any suggestions for other books along those lines?

    1. The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls
       The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion (heartbreaking at times but great read)
       I Never Promised You A Goodie Bag by Jennifer Gilbert (a fluffier/lighter read but I still enjoyed it)
       Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake by Anna Quindlen (cried my eyes out and thought about it for days after I finished it)
       Orange Is The New Black by Piper Kerman
       Breaking Night by Liz Murray

       Clearly I have a thing for memoirs…

    2. I loved Eve Branson’s Mum’s the Word. She is Richard Branson’s mother and has lived a fascinating life. If you want to hear a bit of her story before getting the book she did a great interview on the Good Life Project podcast.

    3. Thanks!!! I’ve already read Glass Castle but all of the rest of these are new to me, so I will definitely check them out.

    4. Remember the Sweet Things by Ellen Greene – I recommend this book to so many people but I don’t think they read it! It had a huge impact on my life.

    5. The Road from Coorain by Jill Ker Conway, and it’s sequel, True North.

17. There was a job that opened up where I am now working, and I had no idea until after the fact, i.e., after the listing had closed and they had conducted several interviews. My boss was nice enough to work it out with HR so I could apply. I interviewed last month.

    I haven’t yet heard anything back. I strongly suspect it’s due to some internal office politicking that’s been going on. However, I happened to have mentioned the position and interview to my mother who is now pushing for me to ask my boss about it, to show I have interest. I’m certainly interested, of course, but knowing what I know I don’t want to ask.

    Is it worth following up on it anyway?

    1. always advocate for yourself. if you want it, inquire. The worst that can happen is that you don’t get it, but you look like an awesome person who cares about your work. win-win, I say.

    2. Did they say what the timeline was going to be?

       1. No, no specific timeline.

    3. I’d follow up. Frankly, to not get back to someone that you interview is horribly bad form IMO. Obviously you should outwardly be graceful in your follow-up, but if they truly made a decision and never followed-up with you, you should be annoyed with them not the other way around.

       Probably won’t give you anything but closure. It’s possible that they haven’t decided yet, but most likely you weren’t the top candidate. They could potentially not be contacting people because negotiations with top candidate aren’t looking good and they want to keep other top candidates in their pocket, in which case I do think it would benefit you to look interested. Anecdotally, I got a job once by following up because they hired someone else but realized around the time I connected with them that they’d need another person, so they hired me then and there. Either way, I see no way you can lose so long as you aren’t a jerk in how you do it.

       1. You’re right, it is bad form, and when I talked to my boss, she said as much, too. As I thought, my boss’ boss (a fairly new hire who is clueless and difficult) basically hijacked the hiring process. My boss didn’t get a say in the matter. Turns out I didn’t get it, and since the position is essentially what I do now, I will be let go, as a result.

          My boss is unhappy with the situation, she’s annoyed that her boss wasn’t the one having this conversation with me as he became the decision maker, but she told me she’s going to try to keep me as long as she can.

          I’m ready to go home.

          1. Sorry to hear it! You deserve to go home early and have some wine.

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