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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This Gucci skirt is a real showstopper. The '60s-inspired style isn’t your typical office look, but I think the muted colors would make it acceptable in even a more formal office. I would wear this with a black turtleneck and boots for a very sleek, cool outfit.
The skirt is $1,980 at Net-a-Porter and comes in sizes XXS–XL.
A much more affordable option is from New York & Company; it's on sale for $59.97 and is available in XS–XXL.
Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Greek holiday
I could really use some recommendations (or vicarious shopping?) for a milestone anniversary trip to Greece with my DH, son, daughter and son in law (all grown up and very happy to be celebrating with us, fortunately!) ? I have a picture in my head, but do not know where to start searching. Ideally, we will be staying in a villa with a private pool where we can lounge with a view, walking distance to a town where we can savour ALL the food. We would also love to do some sight seeing, and will be renting a car (or two) to facilitate this. Flying in from Europe so no jet lag, staying for approximately one week, time of year is open to debate. An island sounds idyllic, but I am prepared to be swayed by a nice mainland location. Bonus points if close to the sea!
Anne-on
Have you checked out either the Marriot Homes/Villas site or OneFineStay? They both have a curated air bnb style interface where you can search by bedrooms/bathrooms/features. We’re using OneFineStay for a trip to Europe and they also offer lots of additional services they’ll coordinate which makes it feel more like a hotel (they’ll stock the fridge, arrange car services, bring in a chef, etc.).
Anon
+1 for One Fine Stay, I use them for every trip to Europe and have always had a great experience
Anon
Definitely go to an island. What time of year? We honeymooned in Santorini and I LOVED it and think it deserves it reputation as the iconic Greek isle, but it is very popular and might be best to go elsewhere if this trip has to be in July or August. I also don’t know about private villa rentals there, but there are some fabulous luxury hotels.
Anon
I’d suggest coordinating with a travel agent – they’ll have great ideas, upgrades, and can coordinate day trips etc. have heard great things about Getaway Guild (based in DC).
Anonymous
Naxos. My fave island. Great to explore fantastic food beautiful beaches and a real place. Big enough actual Greek people
Live there.
Maudie Atkinson
Seconding Naxos. It would be wonderful for a trip like this.
And I would also recommend using a travel agent. In my experience, it just makes everything seamless, and as best I can tell, doesn’t cost discernibly more. I’ve used Devan Mercer with Epperly Travel for multiple trips, including one to Greece, and had a very positive experience.
Anonymous
With a full week, I’d go to Crete. There’s lots to do, wonderful food, and it’s less expensive than a lot of other locations in Greece.
anonchicago
Yes! Loved Crete. Though, would do a day or two in Athens first.
Senior Attorney
I second this and it’s not a private villa, but the best beach day I ever had in my life was at Plakias Beach on Crete, which was quite close to our hotel: https://www.hotelalianthos.com/
Crete Crete Crete!
+1 million.
– Crete is one my favorite places in the world, and was a total surprise to me. I went in April; in one eyeline, I could see a snow-capped mountaintop, dense forest, the beach, and the sea. Gorgeous! It has well- developed tourist amenities, but not super touristy. The food is incredible- couldn’t get enough Cretan salads.
– Agree that a couple of days in Athens is totally worth it – I loved the walkability and manageability of Athens (vs Rome, for example).
– While Santorini is also beautiful, the scenery looks like very picture you’ve seen. However, the pictures don’t show the hordes of cruise ship tourists that take over everyday. I wasn’t a big fan.
Enjoy!!!
highlander
I’ll join the pile-on for Crete. I stayed at Villa Andromeda in Chania, a lovely hotel that was once the German embassy. It has a beautiful pool and garden and breakfast is served in your choice of locations. Sfakia, on the other side of the island, puts you in a good spot for beach excursions and a trip to Gavdos.
Anon8
Anyone have Miami recs? I’ve been before but trying to check out some new places this time. Will be staying in South Beach, but willing to Uber places. Not a big partier, but enjoy a good c-cktail. Interesting shopping, quirky attractions, off the beaten path stuff all welcome.
Anon
Go to Wynwood for a more artsy experience and go to restaurant 27 and Broken Shaker which are both in the freehand hotel. It’s more of a bohemian laid back vibe rather than the ostentatious Ocean Ave vibe.
Field Trip
If you are interested in a quick field trip to Naples, check out the Venetian Pool. Will place link in reply.
Field Trip
https://www.coralgables.com/attractions/venetian-pool
Anon
I think you mean Coral Gables, which I agree is a reasonable excursion from South Beach. Naples is on the other side of Florida and not worth making an excursion to from Miami.
Field Trip
Of course you are right. My mistake. I love thousands of miles away. Thanks for catching it.
Anne-on
Drinks or dinner at the Faena – the art on display is beautiful and the drinks are fantastic. The food at Pao is fantastic but drinks at the beachfront grill or lobby bar are also fun. La Mar at the Mandarin has amazing food and the views of skyline are gorgeous (if you’re into spas I prefer the Mandarin to the Faena, Four Seasons in the financial district was good but kind of cookie cutter, ditto for the Ritz). Aqualina also has amazing food but can be a bit of a trek. I’d also try to see some of the art if you’ll be by the Faena. The cuban food is amazing, I usually just ask the folks in the offices I’m visitng where they go and it’s almost always some small mom and pop place.
Deedee
I just got back! We loved Tropezon for cocktails and tapas!!
Anon
I love this skirt. Cruella De Vil vibes!
Anon
Pretty sure this was my cheerleader skirt in 1984. Christian school, so knee length, and definitely wool. I still remember ironing those pleats; we hung them up with bobbi pins clipping the pleats together.
Ribena
I also thought of Cruella! I saw a gorgeous Dalmatian this morning too, weirdly.
Senior Attorney
I love this skirt so much. I would totally wear it, Cruella or no Cruella!!
Hazel
My wife and I are planning a friends’ getaway in mid-August and looking for a location in Vermont or New Hampshire. We’ll be driving down from Montreal, with friends coming up from Boston; we’re hoping to rent a cottage or cabin somewhere with hiking and/or canoeing opportunities, within striking distance of an interesting small town (bakeries, bookstores, cafes). Any recommendations for areas to look at? (And should I be looking at other places than Airbnb to find a cabin that can sleep 7-8 people?)
Anon
If having amenities like good food and bookstores is a priority, I think you want to be in Burlington. It’s the largest city in Vermont but “city” is very much in quotes. The population is less than 50,000 so it’s tiny compared to Boston and Montreal. Great outdoor recreation opportunities and boating on Lake Champlain. The true small towns in Vermont consist of like three streets and although they look cute, there won’t be much in the way of food and shopping, particularly if staying for more than a couple days. I was in Woodstock last fall and the leaf peeping was wonderful but the town itself was boring and in hindsight I wish we spent less time there and more time in Burlington, which has a much better selection of food and non-nature things to do. Vermont is very LGBT friendly, moreso than New Hampshire, and I also think it’s more scenic.
I’ve generally had better luck with VRBO than Airbnb but a lot of properties appear on both.
Anon
We were in Burlington in August 2021 and it’s a good choice. Lots of hiking within 20-40 minutes too. You can rent bicycles and cycle along the shoreline, highly recommend this.
Anon
Agree with all of this. “Small towns in Vermont” are cute for about two hours. Burlington is a lot of fun.
Its per capita income is similar to that of Nevada and Florida, and a lot of that income comes from the ski industry. I recall that Vermont is working to attract residents because getting people to live there is a hard sell.
Josie P
I love Woodstock and am staying there for a week during Feb break. I find it’s good to have a home base and there is TONS of hiking there just within the town itself. I make day trips to Quechee/Simon Pearce, Norwich/King Arthur Flour, the skating trail at Lake Morey, Dartmouth/Hanover, etc.
Anon
We like Lincoln (outdoors stores, restaurants, grocery) and North Woodstock (quaint Main Street with shops and restaurants), NH for this. They’re right beside each other. We’ve enjoyed our stay at the Wilderness Inn.
Anonymous
+1 for Lincoln. So many amazing hikes along the Kancamangus (sp?), close to Mt Washington, and more shopping, etc., half an hour away in North Conway. We Air BNB so no lodging recs
Anonymous
I agree with Burlington, but Stowe Vt and Wolfeboro NH also check all your boxes. I can easily spend a week in either town.
Emma
Was going to say pretty much exactly this. Also, hi, fellow Montrealer!
Anne-on
Agree with Burlington if you want a lot of food/shopping options. I’m a non-skier in a family that skis so I advocate for towns that have more of a downtown vibe – I was surprised by how great Stowe was. We stayed downtown near a bus stop that ran up to the mountain but was walkable to coffee shops/stores/restaurants. The mountain will also have hiking/mountain coaster/pools/etc. open if you want to get a day pass (and I think the town pool is also indoors, heated, and cheap-ish for a day pass).
anon
Stowe or Burlington. Lots of other quaint options but they’re very, very small.
Anon
I was going to say Stowe. It’s not the biggest town but it’s built around vacationing.
Anon
My family and I visited Stowe during the summer (late August) and while the area is “small town” there was a lot to do. There were small waterfall and swimming holes we went to, rivers for canoeing, tons of hiking, the restaurants were not bad, and there are a ton of summer activities at the Stowe ski resort. Definitely recommend.
Anan
If you are anywhere near Manchester, VT I highly recommend going to Pasttime Pinball. It’s a pinball “museum” where all the machines are set to play for free with the price of admission. It was the best time we had our entire vacation last summer.
AIMS
Lake Winnipesaukee in NH. Stay somewhere in or near Wolfeboro.
Anon
Last summer we went to stay in some random town near Lake Winnipesaukee at a lovely B&B, but as a POC couple, we got a lot of stares and saw a handful of other POC. We probably wouldn’t return.
FP
My family has a house in Wolfeboro, NH and I think it is what you may be looking for. The bonus of Lake Winnipesaukee is that there are a few other cute very small towns on the lake that you could drive to for dinners (Meredith, Moultonborough). Emphasis on *very* small towns. There is great hiking and canoeing in this region.
Anon
FYI – I once organized a friend trip for a weekend at a B&B in New Hampshire, and we rented out the whole B & B! It had the convenience of having everyone together in the same place, which we took over as our own, but the added bonus of having amazing breakfasts/brunches included and the hosts there to help if needed, and the B&B had a tiny restaurant that we ate at for at least one dinner….
Now that I hear about how inconvenient AirB&Bs can be with cleaning requirements / fees, and sometimes you just don’t want to have to bother with shopping/cooking, …. look for the B&Bs that also a struggling after COVID and because of AirB&Bs!.
Anonymous
I recommend the Mad River Valley near Warren/Waitsfield. We had a great stay recently at Tucker Hill Inn, which could be a nice alternative to a cabin if your group likes to go out to eat dinner rather than cook and likes to have private bathrooms.
Liza
Ladies, what is your Did The Thing for this weekend? My husband and I finally hung our wall art in the house we moved into over a month ago – it has absolutely transformed and added warmth to our space, freed up the garage where everything had been sitting, and took less than an hour. Why did it take so long??
Anonymous
I am on a “do the thing” tear and it feels great. The list is long but includes transforming a room from storage to office and TV room, making returns of items, and setting all the appointments.
Anon
I tried to get a bunch of grown-a$s adults to stop gossiping about complaints about (and plans to oust today at our board meeting)our small nonprofit volunteer org president and have a conversation directly. Told them I would not be involved in this and did not want to be a part of gossip now or ever. Anticipating fireworks this afternoon but I just cannot with people sometimes. Staying out of the mess and saying no to nonsense was my “doing the thing.”
Anon
Finally put away the Christmas decorations that I had piled in the formal dining room after Christmas.
Liza
This is exactly what I’m talking about, lol. Great one, and well done!
Anne-on
I’ve been decluttering and donating old clothing/junk from out basement, closets, and attic. I took 14(!) cans of old/ half empty paint to the store to be recycled and cleared out 3 trashbags worth of old things to put on freecycle plus 3 bags of clothes for donations.
Liza
Awesome! And others are being blessed by your generosity – win/win!
Anne-on
I’ll cop to our sitter being super on top of the local freecycle/moms/shelter donation policies which is amazing, I just hand her bags of stuff and she sorts out what goes where. It is AMAZING.
Cb
Oh, we went outside yesterday and filled up our garden waste bin (collected 1x per month). My husband pulled weeds out from between the pavers, I deadheaded and trimmed down plants and raked up leaves. And we replaced the greenhouse pane that dramatically shattered last summer. And I dug up the ledge on the edge of the patio which I trip over on a regular basis.
When we moved in December 2020, we were very excited about the garden, but it’s a huge job, especially considering subsequent life changes. I need to remind myself I can get a lot done in an hour.
dear reader
Yay for getting the wall art up! That’s one of my favorite did the things.
On Saturday I finally dropped off the donate pile that has been hanging out in a pile for 4 weeks (to be fair we were on vacation 1.5 weeks of that, which is how the momentum got disrupted). Then I went to my grandparents on Sunday and helped them declutter, so now I have an even bigger pile in the back of my SUV to donate again. LOL
Liza
Haha, why is the back of the SUV such a great place for donations to hang out for weeks at a time…?
Anon
Back of vehicle = urban dweller’s garage space
Ribena
Finally emailed the other 16 owners in my building to get a leak to the rooflight above our stairwell fixed. The joys of shared freehold!
Anonymous
Finally bought removable labels for our frozen food.
Anon
I need these. Link, please.
Vicky Austin
Finally sat down with my husband and put together a baby registry!
HFB
I finally boxed up the broken antique glass lampshade I’ve been storing since 2014 and shipped it to a repair person.
Anne-on
That is amazing, you’re going to love having it spruced up! I dragged my feet on fixing a family heirloom but I love having it in a visible spot in my office and appreciate it daily!
Anonymous
A month after moving is pretty quick to hang art!
HFB
Haha, that’s what I was thinking! My partner is actually an art professional (corporate collection curator among other things) and 8 months after moving to our house we only have about half of it up. To be fair, we are vaguely planning to paint in some of the rooms so have been using that as an excuse.
Sybil
I’ll see your one month and raise you four years – my husband put up remaining wall art for one wall in December and it is EXHILARATING.
Gail the Goldfish
Cleaned out and organized my bathroom, where I had basically just been throwing stuff since we moved in 5 years ago. Threw out a trashbag’s worth of expired makeup, samples, medicines, etc. Now to figure out how to use the 15 mini flosses I’ve accumulated from dentist appointments that are not my preferred floss brand.
Anne-on
Our local shelter will take those! They actually put out a call for toiletries this December because they had plenty of food but needed things like soap/deodorant/toothpaste/diapers/baby formula/etc.
Bette
Love this thread and feeling extra motivated now! I did a lot of Things this weekend. Finally dropped off a bag of donations, took a formal gown to the dry cleaners, and switched kiddo over to a Big Kid Bed. Feels amazing!
Anon
My Did The Thing was actually not doing the thing. I have been working my @ss off (busy season) and I was very very close to burnout, so I shut down my computer, slept in, read cookbooks I got for Christmas that I haven’t had a chance to look at yet, and even got takeout food on Saturday. (Usually I make myself cook.) I also bought some pre-made meals for this work week. I guess that’s a version of doing the thing.
anon
Sounds glorious!
Anon
Would like so much to have Bonnie Raitt’s hair. That is all.
Maine recs
We are planning a weeklong trip to Maine in August – will be me, my husband, and two kids (5 and 1). We’d like to do some time at Acadia and then somewhere else (maybe Portland). Want to be outside, modest hiking, and eat good food. Any recs on where to stay, things to do, and places to eat?
NYCer
Not sure what your budge is, but we love Hidden Pond Resort in Kennebunkport. It is about 40 minutes south of Portland.
NYCer
*Budget
Anon
Portland and Acadia is a perfect trip IMHO.
Anon
Looking forward to our week in Acadia…we intend to stay 1day/night in Portlan on way up..,any recommendations for Portland? Any fishing? Great restaurant?
Anon
The Western mountain region around Rangeley is lovely and usually pretty quiet even in the summer. Lots of easy hikes as well as ones up the mountains. You can pan for gold or sift for tourmaline in Coos Canyon, nearby. I also love Portland for the small city vibe – Gritty McDuffs is a standard for us, and we had surprisingly good food at Three Dollar Deweys on Commercial Street. Mackworth Island just north of the city has a wide array of fairy homes and houses which would probably be a hit with the 5 year old.
Anonymous
My husband and son (6ish at the time) and I did a week in Maine in August a few years ago. We spent a few days in an airbnb in Portland, and then went to the Appalaichan Mountain Club’s Gorman Chairback Lodge for a few days. The AMC portion of the trip was partly to join a family canoe camping trip. I liked the lodge and would recommend that if you want a more wilderness experience. It is in the middle of nowhere. Portland was also fun.
Anonymous
Adding on to all the vacation threads, help me plan my France trip! We’re going for 9 days in late May, flying in and out of Paris. That’s all I’ve got so far. It’s our first time in France. I was thinking Paris & the Loire Valley, and maybe Normandy but that might be too ambitious in 9 days (though I would love to see Mont St. Michel). We like history, art (not modern art), fancy old castles, and scenic views. Don’t particularly care to spend any time shopping. Fine renting a car and driving for locales outside of Paris. Thoughts on how to divide our time and recommendations for hotels?
Lily
Definitely not enough time to do Paris, Loire Valley and Normandy. Does the 9 days include travel days? Since it’s your first time in Paris, I would plan to spend at least 5 full days there. If you have 4 full days in addition to that, I’d maybe do a day trip to Versailles and a 1-2 night trip to Nantes or Angers if you like really old castles. If you have 9 full travel days, then I think Paris plus Mont St Michel is doable.
Anonymous
9 full days not including travel days
Anonymous
I disagree that you need 5 days in Paris. You can certainly fill 5 days in Paris, but you can also spend 2,3 or 4 and skip/save some things if you want to prioritize the Loire Valley.
Anonymous
We usually split city and country 50-50. Driving in Paris is a bit crazy, so we took a train to start our Loire leg and picked up our rental car at the regional train station. I would not try to add in Normandy on this trip.
Senior Attorney
We stayed at the Hotel D’Angleterre last time we were in Paris and just loved it. Fun historical fact: It used to be the British Embassy and they were going to sign the Treaty of Paris there (ending the Revolutionary War) but the Americans balked at setting foot on what was legally British soil, so they signed the treaty down the street instead. It’s also literally right around the corner from a (not THE) Louis Vuitton store, if that’s your thing, and also Les Deux Magots and Cafe de Flore, both of which are just fabulous for sitting and taking in the Parisian life.
Anon
Paris
Versailles day trip
Normandy and Mont St Michel
Giverny daytrip
MWDC
I hope this is not too weird of a question, but let’s see. I need to know how to deal with vivid dream “hangovers”:
I started a new SSRI under the close supervision of a psychiatrist over six months ago (maybe closer to a year). One known side effect is vivid dreams. In my cause, it is causing me VERY vivid involved dreams, which are all anxiety-driven, which seem very long, and which I can remember in excruciating detail when I wake. I often find myself confused and stressed about the dreams when I wake up, having a bit of an emotional hangover from the stressful situation in the dream, and sometimes having trouble distinguishing particularly realistic dreams from reality. For example, I had a dream about a client situation and went on believing for weeks that I had received a certain email from a client, and spending working time deliberating about how to respond. Another dream was a very detailed dream re packing up my apartment, and a week alter I found myself absent-mindedly collecting moving boxes even though IRL I’m not moving at all. My recollection of the dream details also stick with me for a really long time, so the immediacy of them is not really going away.
The SSRI is otherwise working well, so I highly doubt I’ll be changing meds, though I’ll bring it up at my next appt. What I need are some type of coping mechanisms for dissipating the dreams. I do NOT think a dream journal would help; it seems it would exacerbate the issue. Has anyone dealt with anything like this?
Anon
Yes! I started an SARI in July and now have vivid dreams that I remember basically every night. Like you, many of them are anxiety driven. I’ve always had dreams, but I’d never before had dreams where I’m showing up for a test I didn’t know about, etc., but those have been common for me now. I have also had a couple about my ex husband that cause me distress the next day and sometimes for several days.
For me, it helps to tell a friend and we kind of laugh about having a silly college dream as a 40-year-old. That helps me put the experience in its place—that it’s just my brain doing something weird while I’m sleeping. I didn’t tell anyone about the dreams about my ex, and honestly I just used the skills I’ve learned in therapy to deal with those. I felt my feelings about them and then asked myself some questions about whether I’d actually want to be back together with this person, etc. The distress passed after a few days. I’m not sure if these are good solutions, but it’s how I’m muddling along!
Anon
*SSRI not sari!
Betsy
I know you said your meds are working well otherwise and you don’t want to switch. As an outside perspective, I am alarmed for you that you’ve had multiple occasions of not being fully able to distinguish dreams from reality. Have you discussed this with your provider, including the examples you gave above? I think that’s where I would start. There are so many different meds out there and I bet there are alternatives that won’t cause this problem!
Anon
Shrugs, this happens to me all the time and I don’t take anything.
Anon
Same
Anon
Here too. It’s really intense sometimes, since I spend time in the morning really needing to think things through.
PolyD
Yep, am not on and have never been on SSRIs and I have vivid dreams quite frequently. To the extent that sometimes I wake up and have to do some work convincing myself that I am not, for example, back in grad school, or I am not actually enrolled in classes I forgot about.
And sometimes I do have a bit of an “emotional hangover” from my dreams. I know they aren’t real, but they seemed so real that apparently they evoked real feelings.
Anon
This happens to me all the time too.
Though to be fair, I once went through a narcolepsy checklist and felt I had most the symptoms (suddenly falling asleep, lots of problems with sleep paralysis, daytime sleepiness especially if I don’t chug coffee, even episodes of sudden weakness).
Ribena
I’m also getting much more vivid dreams since starting an SSRI – before, I very rarely had dreams that I could remember in the morning (but when I did, they tended to be of the ‘could be real life’ variety). Now, I have totally bananas dreams on a regular basis. If it’s anything that could be real life (e.g. in my dream I have a conversation over text with someone, or read a news article, or something), I just look through my phone to see if there’s any evidence of that thing happening.
(When I was about 8 I had a dream that I’d kicked my teacher and was terrified to go to school the next day…)
pugsnbourbon
When I was a kid I had a dream we were assigned a massive book report, and when I woke up I started working on it!
OP, I wonder if something like a sunrise lamp might help? It’ll draw you slowly out of the dream-sleep vs. a harsh alarm. Or maybe a quick ritual right after you wake up – a few deep breaths, reminding yourself that it was just a dream, and maybe setting some kind of intention for the day.
Vicky Austin
I am known for my crazy dreams, but dream hangovers to the point that I would be collecting moving boxes based on a week-old dream seems like a big deal! Naturally I defer to your doc; hopefully they’ve seen this and can help.
However, have you tried a dream journal and it’s actively made things worse? I often find that writing my weird dreams down sort of purges them and clears the emotional air around my head. In fact, my group chat of BFFS is aware that I tell them about my weird dreams for this exact reason (and is patient with me!). If I wake up in the middle of the night, I just put it in a note in my phone to text them at a more polite hour (and then delete it). This might even be better than a dedicated dream journal, since you would have to go find the old texts to reread as opposed to having something full of dream details handy to page through.
nuqotw
I realize it doesn’t help you now, but I had this side effect early on and then it faded. If the med is otherwise working well and you don’t mind waiting to see what happens, you might be able to ride it out.
Anonymous
I dealt with exactly this and quit the meds because of it. I was in grad school and working and being unable to determine if something had actually happened or not, including whether I had completed an assignment, was not working for me. I later tried another SSRI, did not have the same issue, and had better results all around so don’t dismiss the idea of switching so quickly.
Jo April
I get this sometimes. I basically treat it like a panic attack — a hot shower to wake myself up and feel warm and comforted, listen to a meditation track that helps me set unhelpful thought aside while sipping a cup of my favorite tea, do some really gentle yoga to get myself back into my body, that kind of thing.
Anon
Prior to starting an SSRI I had vivid, memorable, and really wild dreams 4-5 nights a week. Since being on an SSRI for the past several months, I have the same vivid, memorable, and wild dreams but frequently have 2-3 a night. Most of my dreams are very outlandish so I don’t often wake up wondering if they’re real, but it does happen on occasion. For example, last night a small portion of a weird dream was that I was flying to LAX. I woke up this morning and thought oh shoot, what time is my flight? (I have no flights to LAX scheduled). Usually that happens when I’m still waking up. The even more mundane does occasionally confuse me more (did I text that person? Did I cook that meal?) but are usually such minor things it doesn’t really matter if I did it or not!
I was recently telling my friend about my dreams and she recommended a dream journal so if I”m confused about something I can “check” if it was a dream or not.
Curious
My sister and I both had to shift the time of day we take Celexa / citalopram to manage this. The default is to take it in the evening to avoid nausea; we both take it in the morning, don’t have nausea, and avoid the worst of the dreams.
Anonamoma
I know you’re hesitant to start a dream journal, but maybe just jot down a very high level description so that you document what is from a dream vs. what really happened. The act of writing it down will also probably help cement in your brain that whatever it was was just a dream.
As far as minimizing anxiety-fueled dreams, the only thing that has worked for me is attacking the anxiety itself. For me, this involves finding the right dose and combination of prescriptions, guided meditation (particularly right before bed), and some form of therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy has been effective for me, but I’m interested in trying EMDR at some point).
I now still have vivid dreams, but they are generally just outlandish and often comical and they don’t bother me.
Anon
Definitely contact your doctor now, rather than wait until your next appointment. Easy adjustments can be made, including changing when you take your med or switching to another. No big deal at all. The good thing is that if you respond to one SSRI, you will often do well on another and may have less side effects.
If this med is causing you anxiety while you sleep, overflowing into the day, it is defeating part of the purpose of treating your mood issues.
AITA Air BnB edition
I live next door to an illegal air bnb, for some reason people who rent it often knock on my door for assistance. I always open the door and politely but firmly say ‘Hi, unfortunately I am not affiliated with the illegal air bnb you have rented, please contact your host.’ More often than not the renters are mortified and apologize, but this weekend a guy went off on me about how I’m so rude? I view this as squarely not my problem, especially since it has a negative impact on the neighborhood and it’s not even legal. So AITA?
Vicky Austin
To me that sounds like one bad apple and I would not change what you are doing, unless there is an actual emergency next door.
Anon
Same.
anonshmanon
NTA, and I am surprised that this happens so frequently. What help are they typically asking for?
AITA Air BnB edition
The requests are usually about snow removal or parking. It’s a brownstone with a single parking space that only fits a compact car.
Monday
Psshhh. NTA, and in fact you’re being more generous than I would! I’d be wary even opening the door in this situation, and might put up a sign stating that I was not affiliated with the short-term rental (i.e. leave me alone).
Anon
I think I’d put up a little sign near my door.
I trust you’ve reported the rental to your local government?
Senior Attorney
Absolutely put up a sign. I feel like they are lucky you’re opening your door at all, which is more than I would do!
Anon
I mean, kinda. You have your feelings and all but would it hurt to be polite? You can say the same thing in the end if it’s necessary.
Anonymous
How exactly was she impolite?
Anonymous
I have the same question. OP’s response was not rude. Men who feel entitled to women’s time and attention will read anything other than cheerful helpfulness as rude.
Anon
I would tell him to go F himself, who cares if he thinks you’re rude?
busybee
Would the renters have any idea that the AirBNB is illegal? My understanding is they don’t, and the renters think they’re paying money for an ordinary AirBNB. I don’t think there is any reason to be actively rude, though I am surprised they all seem to have so many questions. OP, I don’t think what you’re currently telling them is rude, and I probably would put a sign up as well. Also, report it to your local government and AirBNB.
Anon
If, for example, the airbnb is in NYC, it’s pretty well known that most short term rentals are illegal so it’s likely the renters would be at least somewhat aware
busybee
She said the renters are usually mortified though. And if they were knowingly doing something illegal would they ask a neighbor for assistance?
Anonymous
I did not know this about NYC and would presume that if it’s listed on Air b and B, it’s a permitted rental. If short term rentals are not allowed in the area, why does Air b and B permit them on their site? As a renter who just needs a place to stay, why would one dig further to look up local ordinances? And if it’s permitted in the general area (aka, nothing banning short terms rentals in Pleasantville, USA), but the local HOA where the rental is doesn’t allow short term rentals, how would you as a renter know that? Maybe it’s in bylaws that are in the public records, but those are not always accessible to the public without a paid subscription and you’d have to know key search terms to find it (even if the HIA bylaws are on the public record). If people are doing this level of research, truly kudos to you. I simply don’t think most people are. I don’t like air b and b for a host of reasons, I don’t think OP is being rude or and A, but I think it’s a fair presumption to make that if something is available to rent on the website, it’s legal to rent it.
Anonymous
NYC JUST started cracking down on this in the last few months I believe.
Anon
Eh, if some yahoo who knocks on my door, bothers me, and then whines about his feelings being hurt, I’m perfectly happy to actually be rude. Consider it some local character.
Anon
LOl. Depending on the city, yes, this is exactly what you can expect. :)
Anon
I’d rethink your anger – you’re mad at the owner of the property, not the unsuspecting renters. I think it’s rather rude to take it out on them.
Anon
I think she’s also mad at the renters. I mean who rents an illegal Airbnb and then goes to pester the neighbors? I can’t even fathom what goes through those people’s heads that makes them go to the neighbors in that situation. If you have a problem, call the owner!
Anon
I have no idea how you’d know you’re renting an “illegal Airbnb.” It’s not like it’s advertised that way. There are plenty of legal ones. I get that a lot of people hate the idea but that doesn’t mean someone is a jerk for renting one.
Anon
You could look up local regulations. But the legality wasn’t really my point, who goes to bother the neighbors in any situation? Call the owner!
Anon
Agreed! The listing won’t say that the Air BnB is not legal in the city.
That said, I think OP should put up the little sign and then not open her door if people knock with questions. The renters might not know they’re renting an illegal place, but they should know it’s rude to bug the neighbors.
Anon
I live in a vacation town with a lot of Airbnbs and plenty of people knock asking for help with things and I gladly provide it (where to get firewood, how to start a fire, best places in town for food, directions to the local beach, etc.). I think people being life and valuable dollars to our area and I do r mind helping out. I think they presume they aren’t having issues with the actual house and are asking for local assistance. It’s really no big deal.
anonshmanon
Idk, I wouldn’t dream of pestering unsuspecting neighbors with these things. I can just google where to get food, just like you can google how to start a fire.
I was wondering if the renters are mistakenly assuming that OP is the owner living next door, which is the only reasonable way they keep knocking on her door with non-emergencies.
AITA Air BnB edition
I mean sometimes I am mad at the renters they bring their SUV/trucks/suburban tanks into the city and get pissy when the parking spot allocated for the brownstone is too small for their vehicle, then they feel entitled to my spot.
Anon
I would be mad too. You’re not doing anything wrong.
I’d consider having a sign made for your door or next to your buzzer that says “private home, not associated with Air BnB”
Anon
As well “private driveway, you will be towed if you park here” or something to that effect. I am sympathetic. I live in an urban area where people have somehow thought it was ok to park across the bottom of my driveway. YES, I have them towed immediately.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t answer the door. I don’t answer the door to strangers in general but I for sure wouldn’t answer for renters of not my property. If someone was particularly persistent I would answer and pretend to not know what’s going on. “Oh are you a renter? Should probably contact your landlord. It’s an Airbnb? HUH had no clue byeeeeee.”
Anon
How on earth do they all need assistance this often?
(Just watched Barbarian and have concerns…)
Anne-on
I avoid air bnbs if I can but I am always shocked at how the door code/lock boxes/keys are SO hard to find, like, why?!? And if you’re going to hide the key/have a wonky door code system why aren’t you answering my calls during the check in time??
Anonymous
Sure but it would never occur to me to bother the neighbor for help! When I’ve had issues I just find a coffee shop nearby to wait until the owner calls me back. Or if it’s late I sit outside the door. I would only ask for help if someone gave me a quizzical look like, why are you loitering outside my building, and even then it’s more of an explanation than a request for help.
anon
I lived next to an airbnb unit in a small private apartment building. You would be SHOCKED. We were the first door/unit as you entered the building and we got knocks 24/7, legitimately all hours multiple nights per week. It’s why we moved out and then reported our landlord’s a s s . Everything from getting locked out, to questions about the heat, to parking, to snow removal, to directions to transit, how long should we allow to get to the airport, what’s the best restaurant nearby, I can’t turn my water off, can I extend for another day, she won’t call me back but can you help me?……. . Like – utter insanity. We had a sign on our door and it did nothing. That’s not even to comment on about 40% of renters themselves who were there just to party and evidently keep me and DH up at all hours.
I will never, ever rent an airbnb.
Anon
How do you know it’s illegal?
Anonymous
Because my city has laws about short term rentals and this residence is in violation of those laws? My partner is also a city employee albeit not for department that enforces short term rentals, and has confirmed with his contacts in that department that it’s illegal.
Anon
I’d have him use his connections to go after the owner
Anonymous
It is odd that you are asking if that is in fact how you know. No one else is going to be able to answer that question.
Anon
Not the OP, but I’ll play. I live in a condo building (rent from owner). Per the owner’s very explicit chat with me up on renting, he confirmed that short-term rentals are absolutely not allowed per the COA bylaws and therefore are 1000% grounds for terminating the lease due to breach if I do the same. I did not want to live next to a party flat (did that already; do not recommend) and liked that the COA was on it. In our city, short-term rentals also need to have a hotel-type license, which you can look up. But most of the units are owner-occupied by people who will not put up with this ish.
Anon
Again though, how does an Airbnb renter know it’s “illegal.”
nuqotw
I think what she’s saying is she is the renter and she knows.
AIMS
You could look up local rules? Pretty much all of them would be illegal in NYC, for example, unless you are actually staying with the host – in which case you shouldn’t be knocking on the neighbor’s door for help.
Anon
Some cities (including mine) ban short term rentals, either completely, or in parts of the city. Since they exist anyway, they’re illegal. You can google local laws.
Anonymous
She is saying she is a long-term renter whose landlord told her the building prohibits short-term rentals and, as the tenant, she can’t short-term rent to another just like the landlord can’t short-term rent and he’d terminate the lease if he found out she was short-term renting in violation of the condo rules.
Anon
I think it was how does OP know that the rental is illegal. Often, IYKYK and it’s all/nothing.
Anonymous
Tangent question…. How would a renter know that it is an “illegal” air b and b?
Also- what help are these renters asking for?
Seventh Sister
NTA. My town does not allow air bnbs, but there is no penalty for breaking the ordinance. My neighbor runs one and I’d be pretty ticked if people were knocking on my door for assistance. Mostly they just wait for rideshares on our block and occasionally block me getting out of my driveway (which I do not enjoy but they generally move when asked).
Liza
Agreed with all those saying it’s not rude. In addition, I’d recommend you get in touch with the owner of the property and explain what’s happening and ask them to put a note in the listing that renters should under no circumstances contact or request assistance from neighbors to the property but should contact the host with any needs. You might also let them know the listing is illegal – they may honestly not know.
Anon
Per OP’s comment, the owner also needs to make it absolutely clear that the parking space can only fit a small car, and that if they park anywhere else they’ll be towed.
Anonymous
Why haven’t you reported the owner to the city?
Anon
This. Contact the Zoning Board!
Anonymous
What does AITA mean?
I would put a sign up simply stating private home/no tespassing/no parking/no affiliation to rental and just not answer the door.
Anonymous
AITA: Am I the arsehole?
To OP: no, you’re not.
Anon
NTA. You should definitely tell the renters stopping by that they are renting an illegal Airbnb. That info may make it into their review of the property and ward off future renters who don’t want to stay in an illegal Airbnb (and next door to long term residents that don’t want them there). Additionally, get in touch with the city department that does enforcement – you may be uniquely positioned to help them gather the evidence necessary to enforce the ordinance against the owner. It can be tricky to enforce ordinances against short term rentals if local laws require proof of the illegal use (not just the Airbnb listing).
anon
I recently got my hair cut and colored at two different salons. Both stylists gave me the hard sell on why I need to switch from drugstore shampoo and conditioner to salon brands. Have any of you noticed a meaningful difference when using expensive products? Or is this just another unnecessary “tip” they give you like saying everyone should wash their hair max two times a week?
Anon
I notice a huge difference. Drug store shampoo strips my hair of all life.
anon
I still use drugstore products on my color treated hair. I like Abbey Yung on YouTube. She talks a lot about hair care and explains the different ingredients and how they work as opposed to just believing the marketing hype from brands.
Anon
A decade ago, I had a stylist swear that Pantene made your hair fall out and that’s why you should use salon products. I said, “You mean when you wash and there’s hair in the drain?” “No, FALL OUT!” And I said ok and went on with my day. So, while I’m sure there’s a grain of truth somewhere in that tale, that someone somewhere did have a bad reaction or something, I think it’s perfectly ok to use whatever shampoo works for your hair. My hair isn’t picky, so I’ll keep on using drugstore products. The poster above’s hair doesn’t like drugstore products, so she shouldn’t.
Anon
Pantene was sued for that actually, but they’ve taken that particular chemical out of their products now.
Anon
I don’t know that the difference has to be drugstore vs. salon, but yes I’ve noticed a massive difference between “random shampoo and conditioner” and “actually good shampoo and conditioner,” especially for colored hair.
Anon
(And yes it’s not magic; it’s the presence and absence of specific ingredients.)
Anon
Yes – it’s possible to find good brands at the drugstore but you have to look at ingredients.
Anon
I think sulfate-free shampoo from the drugstore should be fine (the Loreal Ever Pure and “ever” type products) vs random drugstore brands vs spendy sulfate-free products.
Anon
I was just thinking that Loreal has some good color safe product lines.
Marc Anthony has some drugstore lines now that are really great too.
I think it’s been a long time since salons had a monopoly on the best formulations.
Anonymous
Yeah. Sulfate-free is a massive difference, and worth the money. Most salon brands are not, however.
Aveda is one of the best, as a sulfate-free salon brand.
Anon
I used Pantene for years. Switching to Oribe was a game changer. My hair looks amazing. I’m all about frugality, but it made a huge difference for me
Oribe Silverati Shampoo?
I went long and grey during the first couple years of the pandemic and am still not comfortable being indoors, so I kept my hair just past shoulder length (instead of returning to my shorter-than-chin-length normal cut) to reduce salon visit frequency. I started using Oribe products a year ago, and they have helped a lot. I have very thick, wavy, frizzy hair and have tried all kinds of products for over four decades now.
However: has anyone noticed that Oribe’s Silverati shampoo is sold out, apparently al over the US?
PS: I remember seeing other women use Pantene in the dorms and not being able to afford it. For me, at that time, it was the “fancy” shampoo.
anon
Unnecessary, imo. For years I relied on the brands that Costco carried and had wonderful hair. I’ve dabbled in the higher end brands lately and most give me worse results than Nexxus or Dove.
Anon
Eh, Costco brands are pretty nice. Their in house brand is supposed to be a dupe for Pureology, which isn’t exactly in the same league as Herbal Essences (no shade at Herbal Essences).
Anon
I use Herbal Essence in the summer and Kirkland/Pureology in the colder months.
I really like Herbal Essence Grapefruit.
Anon
I should also mention that I was able to order the Kirkland shampoo from costco without being a member.
Anon
I think the meaningful difference is the commission they make. There are plenty of great drugstore shampoos. Many of those brands have way better R&D budgets than salon brands. They certainly have the means to put any special ingredients in their own formulas.
anon
Yeah, I do notice a difference. Enough so that I even use salon stuff on my kid, bougie as that is. She has fine hair that tangles when you look at it, and a high-quality conditioner makes a big difference. The good news is that with most salon shampoos, a little goes a long way.
Anonymous
I am not advocating for pricey products, but I do think one of the differences in products is the water content, which accounts for some of the price differential.
Anon 2.0
I have made the switch and I do notice a difference. I have been buying Nexus at Costco – which I’d describe as sort of mid-tier. It’s not drugstore cheap but not crazy priced and I can tell a difference in the softness and smoothness of my hair.
Anonymous
I will start by saying I have well-maintained, colored, and naturally thick and very healthy hair. Not everyone is as lucky. That said, I have used and liked an expensive hair care line, but generally use cheap drugstore brands. I get compliments on both the look and smell of my hair from men and women regularly, and if they ask, they are always floored to learn that my haircare “secret” is Dove shampoo and conditioner. YMMV.
Anon
For keeping the color as I add some red/burgundy hues, yes. It does keep the color longer and my hair softer.
Anonymous
SoI always thought they were selling snake oil. In a fit of desperation of my constant frizz, however, I tried olaplex. For me, it appears to make a huge difference.
Anonymous
I find a big difference when I use Bumble and Bumble. It doesn’t stink like a lot of salon products and definitely makes a difference in how manageable my hair is.
Nesprin
I switched from suave+ pantene used daily to a fancy sulfate free salon brand 2x a week and switched back after one bottle.
Ginger
Yes, I noticed a difference when I tried to be frugal and bought what I thought was a good store brand instead of the salon product that I had been using. For starters, I realized that the salon product is highly concentrated. I had to use much more of the store product to get the same lather/clean feeling. Second, my hair didn’t feel or look as great as it did with the salon product. Third, any time I buy a salon product that I’m not satisfied with, they happily take it back and refund me the full amount..
Anon
I use drugstore but sulphate free. No difference
Anon
I start with a new therapist this week. I’ve only had one other therapist before, and I clicked with her right away and stayed with her for years. The only reason I don’t see her anymore is because of insurance issues. I haven’t been in therapy for almost a year, and I’m finding myself nervous about opening up to someone new. Factors contributing to this nervousness include the fact that new therapist is a recent graduate and has only been licensed for 6 months. She is also a different race than me, and while I feel bad dwelling on that, I do worry about cultural differences affecting my comfort level. I didn’t know about these factors when I scheduled the appointment (I had been on a waitlist with a large practice). Has anyone had a therapist who was a recent graduate, or who was a different race from you? Did these factors affect your experience?
anon
I personally would be a little wary of seeing a new graduate but would have a session or two and give them a shot. The race thing I do not think matters. I’m biracial (neither of which is white) and my last therapist who did not click with me at all is the same race as one of mine, and she brought a lot of her own biases into our sessions that were actively unhelpful. the person I’m seeing now is amazing and is a more recent grad that the old one (although not a new grad)
Anon
I’d never go to someone young like that. I know she’s got to get experience and all, but it wouldn’t be on my dime.
Vicky Austin
I had a great experience when I was young and broke getting discounted sessions with a master’s candidate in counselling at the local university – I don’t think a recent grad is automatically too new to be useful and impossible to connect with.
Vicky Austin
Don’t know why I used the British spelling this fine morning; must be a Monday.
Anon
I think it depends on how old you are. I ain’t taking life advice from someone I could have given birth to.
Anon
I mean, therapists should not be giving advice. That’s not what they do.
Vicky Austin
I’m not a therapist, but I think “life advice” is a pretty sloppy way of describing what they’re helpful for.
Anonymous
I think my therapist is younger than me, I’m not sure I’ve never asked. But I much prefer it to an older therapist, they’re up to date on new techniques and developments. Plus I think it cuts down on the personal biases of the therapist.
Betsy
My current therapist is a very recent graduate, and she’s the best therapist I’ve ever had. There are some pros and cons of a new therapist, I think. On the positive side, she’s just completed a ton of training so she’s up to date on lots of different types of therapy. We’ve ended up using a variety (internal family systems) that I was not previously familiar with and I find really helpful. On the negative side, she’s still learning some of the therapy skills that probably become second nature when you’re more experienced – like she wasn’t great at winding the session down at 50 minutes so we were always going over for the first few months, but she’s figured that out now. I reacted the same way as you when I realized I was going to be working with a brand new therapist, but it very quickly turned out to not be an issue at all!
Curious
Recent grad from what level? My current therapist got her license about a day before our first session, but she was fresh from a PhD on the exact type of issues I have. She’s even better now with a couple years of practice, but she was good to start.
Anon
LMSW
Anon
My husband and I have been seeing a couples counselor for a few years now and she was still working under supervision at the beginning and had lower rates. She became fully certified a few months in. She has been great.
Senior Attorney
No, I don’t have time to look it up and get receipts, but I seem to recall some research that shows no difference in the effectiveness of older vs newer therapists, or even possibly that newer therapists are better for a variety of reasons including that they aren’t as cynical/burned out. Also there has been a lot of progress in the field in recent years and a new therapist is going to be up on all the latest developments.
As for the race thing, I would worry about it if the therapist is white and you are not, because I’d be worried a white therapist wouldn’t be able to understand/empathize with experiences of a non-white client. If you’re white and the therapist is non-white, I wouldn’t worry at all. I’m white and my current therapist isn’t, and it hasn’t been an issue between us at all. But also? If it’s an issue for you, that’s something to explore in therapy!
Anon
I think when I got my ruggables, they only came with a thin pad option. But now it looks like there is a thicker pad. Does anyone have the thicker rug pad for their ruggable? I might swap for it to have something more rug-like for underfoot feel and coziness. But it’s for a high-mess area (kids, husband, red sauce, giant shedding dog who is a sloppy dude) and I like being able to be ungentle to it.
Lily
Yes, I got the thicker pad for my kids’ playroom. It’s great. Very comfortable to kneel/sit on, and holds up just as well as the regular thin pads.
Bette
Yes, I have a ruggable in my kitchen (the highest-traffic area – sink/dishwasher/fridge/cabinets/stove zone) and I bought that thicker padded rug as soon as I saw it was available. It makes a huge difference in comfort and no difference in our ability to be ungentle to it.
Anonon
Anon for this – looking for any and all perspectives.
Anyone here NOT end up with the “love of their life” and live to tell the tale? Curious what the circumstances were (distance, family considerations, fundamental incompatibility, etc.) and whether you found another partner.
Anonymous
I’m of the open that if you break up it wasn’t the love of your life. You’re in charge of the story you tell yourself. You’re choosing to tell yourself this guy was the love of your life for years even though it didn’t work out. Why? What are you gaining out this versus starting to tell yourself “you loved him and that’s great you’ll love again or you won’t but he wasn’t the love of your life.”
Monday
I’m not sure I believe there is one “love of your life,” so maybe I’m not the best person to be answering! But my philosophy is that we have more control in this area than we think. If you think of the “love of your life” in past tense, as someone you can’t have, then that mentally forecloses a better situation showing up now or in the future. If you think of this past romance as something really intense and strong, but that didn’t work out, then you grieve it but don’t let it cast a shadow over every other relationship. (If it does, you may not be ready to date yet, which is totally fine.)
I think it’s ok to think fondly of some “almost happened” or “missed connection” stuff in the past, btw, as long as it’s not at the expense of your real life and actual relationship (if you’re in one). Fanning the flames is the problem.
AIMS
I share this philosophy. I also think that some people may be more open to just finding love for whatever reason.
Sunshine
I think many people can relate to thinking that the relationship that ended was with the person who was the love of your life, but discovering later there are other and different loves with whom the relationship is just as wonderful and also different. The guy I considered the love of my life was my law school boyfriend. We had so much in common and had fun together; I was sure we would get married after law school and start a family together. And then I discovered he had another girlfriend. So that was the end of that. Because I prioritized my career, I opted not to date for nearly a decade. When I was in my early 30s, I got back into dating and met my now DH. DH is superior to law school boy (yes, boy) in almost every way. When I think back to how the relationship with law school boy would have played out (even without the cheating aspect), I realize it would have been an inferior relationship to the one I have now, and I have very concrete reasons for reaching that conclusion; those are other red flags that 23 year old me ignored. While I was crushed when we broke up, I’m so grateful now that we did. I aslo benefited from living alone for many years and growing up; that experience made me a better mate also.
I’m sorry you’re probably going through a horrible breakup. It’s really really hard, and it can be really really hard for a long time. To quote SA, the only way out is through. Keep going. You can do this.
Curious
I was a similar age! It’s true; while there weren’t red flags, per se, with mine, there were a lot of difficulties that early-20s me found it easy to ignore that late-20s me would nope. He’s still a wonderful man, but I have no regrets.
anon
Two thoughts: First, I don’t think you only have one soulmate on planet earth. Think of some happily married people you know. If one of them had moved to a different city after college do you think they’d both be alone and miserable today?
Second, if there’s a reason things didn’t work out before then you wouldn’t have been happy together long term. With the examples you gave either the person isn’t right for you or you would spend your whole life battling those external factors. You can acknowledge that there were great parts of your relationship but know that one or both of you would be deeply unhappy with the compromises you had to make.
Anom
I’m not sure that my husband is The One. There are certainly ways we could be more compatible. But he’s a really good and kind man, a loving father, we have fun together. I love him a great deal and would be heartbroken if anything split us. We put up with each other and take care of each other. I am deeply satisfied that we chose each other. Marriage is compromise.
Anony
How would you define The One? What more are you looking for? Not trying to be rude, I just want to understand since I find myself in the same position as your husband.
Anom
I guess The One wouldn’t have some of the characteristics that drive me batty in my DH. I’m not going to list them out bc I’d prefer not to be Ross making the list about Rachel. I know I’m not perfect.
Curious
I broke up with him. He was in another country and lied to me about submitting a master’s application to come to the States as planned. There were extremely mitigating circumstances — his mom had cancer — but I couldn’t do it anymore. 5 years later, I met my husband, who is even better :).
Anonymous
He broke up with me because of distance and different life stages. It’s funny because while he was my greatest love, he isn’t “the one who got away.” That is the person I was sidelining while I was in love and foolishly rejected in the midst of my heartbreak. I was much more compatible with the one who got away and my life would have turned out better with him.
Liza
Hard to assess what you are looking for here – is it reassurance to let the love of your life go? Or reassurance that it’s ok to end up with someone that you don’t consider the love of your life?
Anan
The man had serious mental health problems and was a convicted felon (somewhat related to the mental health problems). When he was medicated and stable, life was amazing and I’ve never had such an intense connection with anyone else. He was definitely committed to staying stable, but he also had no interest in children because of the genetics of his mental illness.
I did marry someone else and we now have three kids. He is a lovely man, but our relationship is no where as intense or in synch as it was with the other guy. This is the life I want, though, and I don’t believe that there is ever only one person that one can make a happy life with.
Maybe the framing isn’t “love of my life”, but rather “most intense love that I was sad didn’t work.”
Senior Attorney
I feel like you can’t talk about “the love of your life” and “fundamental incompatibility” in the same sentence. I feel like my current husband (Mr. Third Time’s the Charm) is the love of my life, and a large part of the reason I think that is because we are fundamentally absolutely compatible right down to our toes. In fact, when we were dating I used to think “this guy is so great and I sure hope we don’t break up, but if we do it will all be worth it just to know there are great guys like this out there!”
Also, I reject your premise, if by “the love of your life” you mean “the one person you MUST be with in order to have a happy life.” That’s just Hollywood nonsense.
NW Islander
I dumped the love of my life because I was divorced and convinced that I was going to h e ! ! (thanks mom and dad for sending me to Catholic school!). I knew he was one of the good ones and I told him that he deserved someone that wasn’t used up and eternally d a m m e d like I was. Then I spent years with men that were objectively mean to me because I thought that was all I deserved and I didn’t want to lead on and break the heart of another good man.
I have been single for many years now. It is fine. I poured myself into my career and hobbies. I took care of sick family. I invested in a large group of friends. I saved enough money to allow me to retire in my 40s. I own multiple properties.
I don’t know one happy couple that paired up after their early 30s. I also do not know any good single men; only married men and men I would never partner with. I feel good about not finding a partner since him, since the odds were great that I would have ended up with a bad guy once I was past 30. I am also optimistic that if I stay healthy, I might find a nice widower once I am closer to 60 – since the truly great men get married early and stay married unless someone passes.
Anon
There’s just…a whole lot going on in that last paragraph. I understand you might have had to develop some avenues of thought to cope with your earlier, previous issues, but I’ll just say that it is possible for people who meet after their early 30s to be happily married for decades and for a number of “truly great men” marry the wrong girl when they’re young and get a divorce and go on to have happy marriages with the right woman.
Senior Attorney
Oof, that’s heartbreaking! And I second the poster above that you shouldn’t dismiss divorced men out of hand. Some of us, men and women, do indeed grow up and get “truly great” later in life.
NW Islander
Senior Attorney, you married a widower. I was thinking of you in my post above.
I do know many divorced couples and it is because the guy was an addict or his wife decided one less child in the house was easier. Divorced men are generally divorced for good reason, and not because they married the wrong woman.
Senior Attorney
I know, I am being all “do as I say, not as I do,” but I still think there are great divorced guys out there. My great guy is a family lawyer and you’d be surprised how many of his clients are great guys who did in fact marry the wrong woman.
Anon
Stop dating men on the rebound, if that’s what you are doing.
The sane men who married bad women usually spend a while licking their wounds after the divorce. The ones who were the problem are out on the dating market during divorce proceedings.
Does that mean there is a small window of time between when a good guy is available and when he’s snapped up? Probably. But the best chance of hitting that window is to not be wrapped up in jerks in the meantime.
Anon
I know many people who met after 30 and are in happy marriages.
Regarding Catholicism: the way people beat each other up with Scripture is just wrong and evil. I am a Catholic. I believe that divorce is a tragedy, but that does NOT mean that someone who files for divorce is wrong, evil, or used up. There is so, so much truth to the saying that “it takes two to make a marriage work and one to make a marriage fail” that I am firmly not in the business of judging people who file for divorce. The tragedy is that someone’s terrible behaviour – towards their own spouse, the person they are supposed to love above all except God – wrecked their marriage.
If you are in a community that treats divorcees like garbage, find another community. (Massachusetts, “paradoxically,” has one of the lowest divorce rates in the country and one of the most non-judgemental attitudes towards people who have divorced.)
Talk to someone who can help you process your emotions regarding divorce, subsequent men you have dated, and your family of origin. You have many good years in front of you.
Anon
I’m Catholic and divorced my first husband who was unfaithful. I had no idea. We weren’t fighting. He just had a secret life and was lying to the multiple women he also wooed, telling them he was single. That 100% doesn’t reflect on me. I don’t see his infidelity as impacting my salvation. It was heartbreaking because we were married in the church and I wanted to stay married, but I wasn’t going to have children with a man who was a narcissist and huge liar.
Anon
Also OP, let’s say YOU were the one who messed up and caused your divorce. The wonderful gift of faith is you can be forgiven and make different choices. You don’t have to castigate yourself. Faith without works is dead. Every day is a chance to make different, better choices and pursue healthier behaviors and relationships.
anon_needs_a_break
“I don’t know one happy couple that paired up after their early 30s.” – wait really? I don’t know one happy couple that paired up BEFORE their 30s…All my siblings and I met our partners in our 30s and none of us married in our 20s. Almost all of my friends who married in their 20s are now divorced; the ones who stayed together don’t seem especially happy… or they are very small town and never left.
I met my man in my late 30s and he is divorced. he is amazing; his ex wife however, is nuts. Your theory seems to pretend all women are great and we know that is not true.
Anon
+1
hahah I thought the same thing.
All of my friends who married in their 20’s, except 1, are divorced now. Most are in their 2nd marriages, one one is working on her 3rd. I love them all, but the ones who married early were too focused on being married and were too young to know what they were looking for. Unfortunately, they all made terrible choices. Men who had affairs. Men who abused them. Men who wanted to be eternal playboys and not get a real job. These were all smart, independent women.
NW Islander
Yes, thank you. The men were the problem in their marriages, with rare exceptions. And now that is who is single in their 30s and 40s.
Anon
Late to this thread, but I disagree that all the good men are either married or widowed, and I also disagree that you need to be married by your early 30s. When I was 35 I married a fairly recently divorced 43 year old with 10 and 7 year old kids; we’ve since had a kid together. He’s a great husband and an amazing, super involved dad. His ex-wife essentially had a midlife crisis, cheated on him and left him for the affair partner who she has since married and quickly divorced. While I generally agree that there’s typically blame on both sides in the end of any marriage and I don’t think my husband is a perfect person (who is?), he was as close to blameless as you can get in a divorce and I think the fact that his ex has now gone through a second divorce while he’s happily remarried is evidence that the heart of the problem was really her, not him. Statistically I believe women cheat more than men, so not sure I believe your theory that in middle age it’s all nice innocent women and the horrible men that have wronged them.
Anon
Girl, this is bananas.
Anon
When I was in college I thought my then-boyfriend was The One. He’s now my ex-husband. I’m remarried to a man I’m very compatible with and am very much in love with so I’m happy things worked out the way they did. But do I think there is One and Only One person for us? No. There are 8 billion people on earth. That’s a silly idea.
Anon
With the standard caveat that I do not think there is one perfect person for everyone, I ended a relationship with a man I loved and would have been happy with if it had not been for the major issues of: (1) He wanted to have kids but wanted to wait until he was in his 40s. Which was fine for him but was not going to work for my biological clock; and (2) I finally came to the sad realization that our different religious background were always going to be an issue, especially if we had managed to compromise on children (but even if we had not).
It was really hard, especially because he is a wonderful person and would have been (and as far as I can tell is) a good husband and father. But his child is 10 and mine (born when I was in my mid-30s) is 22, which tells you everything you need to know about our incompatible timelines. And mine is a baptized and confirmed Episcopalian and his is going to Hebrew class. So it was all for the best in the long run.
And before I get accused of stalking my ex, we went to law school together and I saw him and his (lovely) wife at our last reunion and I went to his father’s funeral so we have stayed somewhat distantly in touch.
Anon
I don’t think in terms of “love of my life” but there were two men with whom I shared time and love and with whom I believe I could have been happy long term but for timing. I think of them with warmth and occasional wonderings, but I have always believed that timing is as critical as person. They are part of me and how I grew to be the person I am now.
Anon
Late 20s myself and 3 of my friends were all with guys we thought were “The Ones”. Everyone broke up for various reasons (distance, poor timing, religious differences, cheating). Mourning periods ranged from 6 months – years and years, mostly dependent on how quickly we cut them out of our lives completely. Now we’re in our late 30s and all 4 of us are happily married (to different people), most of us have kids etc. Nowadays I don’t think any of us consider our previous partners to be the love of our life and I think we have a range of feelings about if we’d even be happy with them. During the dating/mourning period though, we definitely thought they were.
anon
My husband burps a lot. Not small little ones but belches. He does have some GERD but had an endoscopy and there’s no clear reason for the belching. I find it absolutely disgusting and it’s starting to negatively impact my attraction to him. It’s often much worse after exercising. Anyone ever have this problem or have a spouse with this problem and can advise on how it was fixed? The doctors don’t seem to think there’s anything that’s an issue.
Anon
My grandmother was a belcher. She was terribly embarrassed and it did affect how grandpa viewed her, but she didn’t have any control over it and doctors didn’t have any suggestions for improvements.
BB
I mean…some of us just need to burp? I definitely find myself burping during/after exercise because I’m panting and taking in a lot more air. If there’s no medical reason for this, I don’t think you should be trying to “fix” a pretty normal bodily function.
Anon
If I understand OP, this goes beyond the norm. My boyfriend had this issue, and it was nowhere near a normal number of volume of burps. It was literally every few minutes and a loud/forceful eruption. I had to sleep in a different room and would wear noise canceling headphones often because I felt like I couldn’t get away from the sound (we have a small house!)
Similarly, his GI doctor didn’t find anything wrong. Mine went on a heavy duty PPI for a couple of months, and thank goodness it was much better after he weaned off. He will have a flare up every now and then, but it’s typically traceable to something he’s eaten.
I don’t know how to cope longer term, honestly. It affected my desire for him because it was disgusting and constant, and I honestly questioned whether I could deal with it on a forever scale. This was not a problem you could joke about or ignore. I know that’s not very nice to have those thoughts, but I did. So, OP— lots of commiseration. I did find it helpful to sleep separately and get away from the sound when I could. Those breaks would make it easier to ignore the rest of the time.
anon
OP here and I feel terrible too! He’s really a wonderful man whom I love very much, but I really can’t stand the sound of the burping, which is several times an hour!
I will suggest to him a diet change. He used to have heartburn and eliminated it via diet changes so maybe that could help with the burping too.
Anon
Im the Anon above, and I bet the same dietary changes as the heartburn will help! It’s a slow process. Mine took OTC acid reducers, and those didn’t make a dent. Then he tried one RX that helped for a few weeks and stopped working. Finally he found one that worked longer. It was only after he used those and weaned off that he was able to identify dietary triggers with a food journal. When he was in the middle of the situation, he felt like “everything made it worse.” My observation was that there were certain foods that made the belching worse (like from a level 7 to a level 10), but I do think the feeling inside his body was similar no matter what for a time.
He was so desperate, that his PCP thought he might have “chronic hiccups” and they were considering something like Risperdol! I’m also glad it didn’t come to that.
Anon
Sorry, one more. Sleeping with his head propped up also helped my boyfriend a lot. We have a bed frame that will elevate, which worked better for him than a pillow fortress, though that works in a pinch!
Anon
I don’t understand exactly why, but many GI doctors seem to think patients should just live with constant indigestion and discomfort!
I’ve learned some GI doctors don’t even bother checking for hypochlorhydria on endoscopy, which was the exact cause of my reflux. (I’ve seen an idea going around that “low stomach acid causing reflux” is an alternative medicine concept, but I was diagnosed by a mainstream gastroenterologist at a respected academic medicine institution, who kind of shook his head at my prior doctor’s attempt to treat my symptoms by lowering acid when that was the problem to begin with.)
Now I take some digestive supplements to improve digestion and raise stomach acid enough to encourage the relevant sphincter to close. (Maybe it’s the supplements that make people think it’s alternative? Not sure.)
Sunshine
DH has a huge lung capacity. It’s stunning to me how much air he can breathe in at once compared to what I can do. As a result, when he burps, the volume is pretty incredible. And he burps when he wakes up, which I don’t understand at all – where did that air come from? Also when he works out. He doesn’t have any GI issues. He doesn’t do it in a real social setting or public place.
I tend to be a “good manners” sort of person who was raised in the south to be a lady. Rather than hate when he lets rip one of his huge burps, we laugh and rank them or comment “oh, good one!” He now returns the favor for me, which has encouraged me to be a little less strict with my protocols and have more fun. Maybe reframing your husband’s burbs can help them not bother you as much?
Cb
Ugh, this is my husband. I don’t think he can help it, but it’s pretty gross.
Anonymous
My college roommate had this for years and years and years (so while not a spouse, it was some wine I lived with!) She saw all sorts of doctors. She cut out gluten and now doesn’t burp at all (unless she’s chugged an especially fizzy seltzer!) she was not a believer that it would work and it defiantly has.
Anon
I had/have this issue, which was also made worse with physical activity. All the tests I did came back clear, so I’m seeing a gastrointestinal behavioral psychologist—mainly for hypotherapy. It seems to be helping.
Anon
This happened to me because of GERD and got better when I adjusted my diet.
Anon
I had a family member with this problem. Yes, it can get to the point of being really disgusting. People who act like it is no big deal, just have no idea.
Are there specific triggers? Certain foods? Carbonated drinks? Does he GULP down air when he drinks?!?! Does he eat too fast?
I agree that treating his GERD can be helpful. Either with an H2 blocker or PPI, or changing diet.
My family member had severe reflux and crazy belching, mostly due to a hiatal hernia that was not easy to fix surgically, so we just had to deal with it to some degree. So we used a combination of dietary changes, medicines, and behavioral changes. Part of the reason is that he “swallows” too much air with eating and drinking, so he needs to make some changes to avoid that. Some may help, some may not. Try them.
Eat slower. When you gulp down food quickly, you swallow more air.
No straws.
No gum chewing.
Avoid carbination.
Before taking a drink out of a glass/bottle, you should breath out, hold your breath, drink. It seems weird to actively think about this, but some people drink by literally taking in breaths while swallowing. Slow down the drinking, and train yourself to swallow differently.
Try using beano (enzyme supplements) if specific high fiber foods make it worse.
Take anti-acids – TUMS, PPI or H2 blocker.
Good luck
Anon
And you can try GasX.
Anonymous
I’m new to therapy and going to a person my PCP suggested. I’d kind of assumed that I would pay out of my pocket, but I got a super bill from my therapist. Do I send this to my insurance? Is it better to keep them separate?
Anon
Yes, you should submit this to your insurance carrier. It’s possible that they don’t necessarily “take” insurance or process claims. Mine is not in network and she does not take insurance. So, every month when I get the super bill, I submit the claim immediately. When you submit, they may ask for dates of service rendered. Usually, you can enter multiple. You may also have to submit proof of payment. Be ready to pull up and redact credit/debit card statements.
Anonymous
Thanks! She said she didn’t take insurance, so I assumed I ate it all. I didn’t check if she was in network as a result.
Senior Attorney
You don’t even need to know if she’s in network before you submit the claim. Your insurance company will know.
Anon
Exactly. And my insurance will count the “allowable cost” of the therapy visit towards my deductible. After that, I then get checks back for whatever % they cover. So – it’s not a 1-for-1 – but it’s something!
A.
I have a medical procedure this week where I can only have clear liquids (including popsicles and jello) up until 4 hours before, and for the last 4 hours I cannot have anything (even water). I need as much protein as possible to get through this because I have a huge work event that I cannot miss in the morning (procedure is in the afternoon). Other than bone broth, what would you be drinking?
Anon
Depending on how your body works, what you don’t drink may be just as important as what you drink. The one time I had to do that, anything with sugar made me feel better for about a half hour and was followed by acute misery.
Anon
Is this by chance a colonoscopy? Because I would not want any important live in person work event the morning of having one in the afternoon. I would 1000% move the medical procedure so that the prep for it starts after the work event is over.
Josie P
+1 million. You will be in the bathroom!!!
Anon
In the bathroom unpredictably and for long periods, pooping liquids with the velocity of peeing. If colonoscopy prep.
Anon
I have a colonoscopy scheduled in April and they told me in no uncertain terms to plan to do nothing special and go nowhere the day before the procedure (which is on a Thursday, first thing in the morning) as I will likely be in the bathroom the whole time. My best friend had one in December and ended up taking off the day before and day of the procedure and she was fine after that but she said the prep is no joke. So, OP – heed this advice. Move the procedure to a day where you do not have a can’t miss, gotta-be-there work event in the morning. Sometimes you just cannot do two things in one day.
A.
Not a colonoscopy.
Anon
I would rethink the work event. IME, big important things are never as big or as important as they seem in the moment and never more so than your health. I’d take a few days off around this to properly rest, prepare and recover.
Digby
Ensure makes a clear drink. I think Boost does, too.
Anon
+1
This is the answer.
If you don’t need the calories, Premier Protein also makes a clear drink that is lower calorie. You order on Amaz0n.
Anon
I’m hoping this isn’t a colonoscopy, and if it is, you should reschedule. The prep was rough; I was vomiting and shaking all night before and would have been in no condition for a huge work event. (Some people probably handle it fine, but I wouldn’t risk it, especially if you normally need lots of protein/experience ill effects from not eating)
Curious
Going under anesthesia? Agree with the poster about sugar, and pay special attention to hydration the day before. I’d also consider carb loading a bit with the protein, like you’d do before a race. I prefer peppermint tea to coffee to wake me up on an empty stomach, but I’m not huge on caffeine. Best to you.
Anon
You can’t work on the same day as a colonoscopy/endoscopy. Period. Not only was I on the toilet constantly, I was STARVING from having to fast. I was in no shape for working.
anon
I’m doing prep for a colonoscopy and was told that bone broth doesn’t count as a clear liquid, fwiw.
A.
Thanks — I’ve had this procedure before and it does count in this case.
Anon
The protein supplement drinks are the answer for you. Ensure, Boost or Premier Protein clear.
Hope it goes well.
Trixie
Are you sure you want to do these two things on the same day? Both sound stressful, and together sound like torturing yourself. Maybe the procedure cannot wait or easily be rescheduled, but if possible, I would move it so it is not on the same day as your huge work event.
Help for friends in Austin
I am heartbroken about friends of mine — husband was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer, and 3 days later my friend gave birth to their first child. Prognosis for the husband is not good — a couple of years, maybe, but likely much shorter than that. Outside of that stress, baby has had a rough first bit of life which has featured multiple illnesses and hospital stays, and of course mom and dad are getting very little sleep.
They are in Austin and I am in the Midwest. We were very, very close in high school and throughout college, but life happened and we’ve grown more distant but still check in via text and phone every once in a while. Outside of the usual thoughts and prayers – what can I do? I wanted to send some kind of food gift, but mom is dairy free because of baby’s apparent intolerance of cow milk protein and I’m struggling with this. I asked what I could do to help and of course they said there’s nothing they can think of. My friend mentioned she wanted some space (both sets of grandparents have moved nearby from out-of-state temporarily so they have immediate hands-on help). Maybe a night at a hotel and a massage for mom? But that means time away from baby. I’m just at a loss over all of this and not sure what I can do, if anything, to support.
Anonymous
Send a gift card for food delivery.
Curious
+1.
Nesprin
+2
anon
How much are the grandparents actually helping vs. just taking up space/stressing your friend out? Are they cooking and cleaning (hopefully)? Doing laundry? If not, could you pay for a weekly housekeeping service for a few weeks? Wondering if there’s an airbnb right near your friend’s house where the grandparents could stay so she could have more space?
In terms of food to send, how about things like edible arrangements with fresh fruit, or just a Harry and David’s type of fruit basket? Maybe some delicious prepared vegan meal deliveries, since dairy is an issue? If she misses dairy, something with cashew cheese or other cheese replacement (or maybe an oat milk ice cream?) might be a treat. I would just send stuff without asking her what they need, since that puts people on the spot. Fruit (especially pre-cut) won’t go to waste, someone will eat it.
Definitely continue checking in regularly via text, maybe tell her no need to respond, just thinking of you guys.
Sunshine
I don’t have kids, but I have been the care giver for a parent with a long-term debilitating illness. While I intellectually appreciated every single person’s kindnesses during that time, I also wished they would just leave me alone. Texts to check in became something else I needed to reply to when I didn’t have time. Someone who asked “hey, can I order from XYZ restaurant for you? Let me know what you want” was just another food selection I needed to make. I know this sounds ungrateful. And I didn’t mean it to be.
I did appreciate people whose texts included a note that they did not expect a reply; they were just thinking of us. I appreciated people who had food delivered whether that was Harry & David or someone who reached out and said “I want to order lasagne for delivery tomorrow night from this restaurant and it will arrive at 6. Does that work?” The ideal would be that you could drive people to things, grocery shop for her, etc. But I understand you cannot. So I suggest doing things that do not require her to do any more work than she already has. And don’t expect to hear a thank you. She will appreciate it. She may just not have time to tell you that.
Finally, don’t disappear. If you find something you can do that helps her, keep doing it at regular intervals. She is in for a long haul either of treatment while caring for a baby or grieving while caring for a baby. It’s easy to go on with your own life. Her challenges will continue for a few years.
anon
100% agree with Sunshine. The lasagne example is great. With this level of stuff your friend has to do, supports needs to require nothing from her except maybe popping something into the fridge or microwave. I wouldn’t even do an Edible Arrangement because that seems like a lot of work to pack up into tupperware into the fridge.
I remember being kind of overwhelmed at thoughtful gestures when I had a newborn and toddler when they required anything of me like putting flowers in a vase and then tossing them when they weren’t fresh, or finding room in the freezer for a ton of food.
The best present of the newborn days, and possibly ever, was when a neighbor dropped off a homemade meal in a cooler in front of my door.
Moose
If I were you, I would (if possible) reach out to a friend/relative who is local to them, and get their opinion on what you can do that will be an positive contribution, especially since she mentioned she wanted some space right now. It seems that anything that requires them to make additional decisions is not the best route. After doing some intel, maybe you can send a house cleaner on a particular day, pay for extra help while they go to Dr.’s appointments, or send gift cards for grocery delivery. In the meantime, anything that lets them know you’re thinking of them and are available to support is great – I’ve heard from many people that when big life stuff happens, people fade away, so your willingness to reach out is important. Cards, etc. are all great.
Vicky Austin
I bet you could still swing a dairy-free food gift, or a gift card for food delivery and they can pick out something that works. Do you have contact info for the grandparents? Maybe you can offer to pay for a takeout meal or some premade groceries, but they can be in charge of picking it up and making sure it’s dairy free. Plus, this makes it easy to do something nice for your friend without asking her about the logistics of it so she can focus on husband and baby.
Anonymous
Based on what you’ve written here, I would suggest a lot of the same things you might consider for any set of new parents. House cleaner? Gift card for a restaurant or nice grocery store near to them that delivers? Lovevery toy subscription? Onesie/other cute baby stuff from your alma mater, or a “somebody from XXX loves me”, or one of those those vaguely splurgy swaddle blankets printed with symbols from your home state?
Anon
Gift card for food delivery would be the big one.
I think a night at a hotel might be a bit much, but would definitely get her a gift card for a massage or a pedicure so she can have some time alone to chill.
Anon
As someone who has been through this before, I agree that doing something that takes a decision/work off their plate is the best.
Food is the easiest.
If one of the sets of grandparents can be a touch point. Ask THEM what is needed in the house, order it online from Costco Same Day delivery. With so many people there, food/supplies can be helpful. I often send Costco Chicken Pot Pie, some of the Costco pre-made large salads (couscous, pasta, green), fresh fruit, drinks. Agree that if a house cleaning service could be found/hired (best to ask neighbors which ones to use so family can trust them), but with so many people at home that might be too many bodies.
Send friend texts or a card every month. Don’t forget about them. They are overwhelmed right now. Just don’t forget about them over time.
No, a hotel and massage for mom is not great right now. The last thing she needs is to be separated from her baby and husband right now…. unless she asks for it.
Anon
I have some high interest credit card debt that I could pay off with a loan from my 401(k). The 401(k) loan would be at 5% interest over 5 years. The monthly payment amount is better than the current monthly payments I’m making toward the credit cards. The downside is obviously that those borrowed funds would not be invested. I should take the loan to get rid of the higher interest debt, right? I have enough in savings to pay some but not all of the debt and I’d rather keep the savings as “emergency” funds. Would any finance ‘rettes like to offer their insight?
Anon
You placed pre-tax funds into the 401K,but you’re paying back the loan with post-tax funds. Don’t do it.
Anon
If you lose your job, the loan may become immediately payable in full depending on the terms of the 401k plan, so please research this before you take out a loan.
Anonymous
Absolutely not. If you lose your job you have to pay it all back suddenly. Your high interest credit card debt is your emergency so yes, spend some of your funds on it and then focus on paying it off quicker with spending adjustments not robbing your future self.
Anon
I am someone who thinks it is okay to take a 401k loan once in a while in your career, when needed. I don’t know if this would be one of those situations for me, but the fact is that the 5% interest is paid back to your own account, and that is a big plus because it is a guaranteed interest rate for the term of your loan and right now you can’t get 5% interest anywhere. The downside is that the funds would not be invested and that you pay it back with post-tax money and then when you ultimately take your 401k account out you will pay taxes on that amount again. However, despite all that I do think it is a prudent financial decision to take a loan once in a while.
Anon
Aside from the issue of paying it back immediately if you lose your job, there is the issue that the stock market is down right now. The lost investments could far exceed your interest rate.
Ignore this suggestion if it does not work for you: is it possible for you to get a second job, something like tutoring, babysitting, or bartending, to help pay down the debt?
Digby
One thing to check – does your 401k plan allow you to keep making payments on the loan if you quit, get fired, or get laid off? If not, then the entire loan amount becomes due after you leave the company (due by the next federal tax-filing deadline). If you don’t pay it back, you end up owing taxes on the unpaid loan amount, plus a 10% penalty if you’re under 59.5.
That might not change the calculation of whether it’s a good idea to take the loan, but it’s worth knowing up front.
Anon
I took a 401k loan as I was getting divorced and needed some immediate cash to move. I was able to make payments on it easily and paid off the balance once my divorce finalized (and I got paid out for shared real estate). I say this to express that I think there are moments in life that a 401k loan is for. But paying off high interest credit card debt is not one of them.
First you need to figure out how and why you got into it in the first place — is it bad spending habits, an emergency that you didn’t have cash for, medical bills? And do whatever you can to make sure that you won’t get into that situation again — even if it means saving up a small emergency fund ($3k?) while making minimum payments. Stop using credit cards until they are paid off. Do balance transfers to 0% cards when you can get them. But do not take out any kind of loan to make the immediately problem disappear before addressing how you got there.
I know that sometimes CC debt comes from circumstances outside a person’s control, but I hope you allow me to share this story — my sibling had been living on a grad student budget for years and was starving for luxuries, so when they finally graduated and got a job with a “real” (though not particularly high) salary, they went overboard on all the little things they couldn’t afford before — buying hardcover novels, coffee and eating out, new clothes, records. No single expensive or truly splurgy things, but it all added up fast and they quickly maxed out their credit card. I lent sibling $10k (interest free) to pay the card off, and they were diligently making payments for 6 months, after which they came to me and said that they had racked up more debt on the card and could no longer make our agreed-upon payments and the minimum on their card. I’m not going to rescue them again so they can dig an even bigger hole. They have to find a balanced way to manage their spending, because until they do, this is going to keep happening.
anonshmanon
Part of this decision for me would be whether I have a clear plan to avoid further credit card debt, i.e. how did it accrue in the first place and is that root cause fixed? If no, then the question of the 401k loan shouldn’t be the priority. If yes, then I’d consider doing it.
Senior Attorney
Amen to making sure you won’t just run the debt up again.
Also if your credit is good, you should be able to find a 0% balance transfer offer on a new credit card (with a 3% balance transfer fee which makes it effectively a 3% loan). I’ve been getting a ton of solicitations for those lately and it would be a much better option than a 401K loan in a down market.
Senior Attorney
Oops used a bad word and stuck in mod. Trying again:
Amen to making sure you won’t just run the debt up again.
Also if your credit is good, you should be able to find a 0% balance xsfer offer on a new credit card (with a 3% balance xfer fee which makes it effectively a 3% loan). I’ve been getting a ton of solicitations for those lately and it would be a much better option than a 401K loan in a down market.
Anon
OP here—employment termination isn’t really an issue. I’m a 50% owner.
Anon
First time having a senior arthritic dog – talk to me about orthopedic pet beds and heating pads. I see her chasing the sun through the day (and we don’t get a lot of it and keep the house cool) and she doesn’t seem to like her old fluff-filled bed anymore, so I’m looking at an upgrade. Do I buy a bed with an integrated heating pad or buy them separate?
Anon
I chose the K&H heated bed. I felt safer using a complete product (that it wouldn’t get too hot; that it wouldn’t start a fire, etc.).
In the summer, Yogibo-style bean bags or pillows can be incredibly gentle on sore joints.
Anon
Snuggle safe is a great product and every pet I’ve had has loved them.
Daisy
For my senior dog, I used a memory foam bed and the Snuggle Safe bed warmer. It is a fleece covered disc that you heat in the microwave and put in or under the bed. It is gentle heat that lasts all day. I was more comfortable with this than anything electric while I was at work.
MuttIsMyCopilot
Thirding Snuggle Safe disks. I may be too cautious, but I avoid electric options. I recently lost my very elderly pup. Early on I avoided electric things because of the risk of digging into bedding and damaging it. As she got older there was a good chance (followed quickly by absolute certainty) of bed wetting. The disks are safe and easy to clean.
I like Orvis beds because they’re dense and supportive without being too tall to get into. I got waterproof fabric that wasn’t too plasticky and held up great. If you end up needing them, you can also get washable incontinence pads. They’re a little plasticky, but you can throw a sheet over them. They stay in place better than the disposable ones actually made for pets, and wash great.
Anonymous
Does anyone else get weird mixed messages from your employer about attending conferences? I’m a junior partner in a law firm. Ever since I was a senior associate I’ve been encouraged to attend a few conferences a year. But it’s like pulling teeth to get the marketing budget to cover travel expenses (it always has been covered, eventually, but there’s a lot of back and forth that I find really draining) and then everyone is annoyed that my availability is limited (I’m still responsive but no I can’t attend that in person feel good departmental meeting, I have to dial in) and they act like I’ve been on vacation when I come back. I thought this would ease up once I made partner but it’s only gotten slightly better. I don’t enjoy going to conferences but it is important for my practice, and if I don’t go then I hear about how I’m not doing enough business development. It feels like a no win situation. And on top of all that, I feel like I shouldnt let the griping get to me, and why does it seem like no one else is as bothered by it as I am. Advice? Commiseration?
Senior Attorney
Just go with your head held high and tell anybody who complains “this is necessary for my practice,” on repeat ad nauseum. I promise you that is what the Chadwicks of the world are doing.
Anon
Speaking of Chadwick – we haven’t heard from Dr. the Original… in a while.
Anonymous
Save the approval email from last year and append it to this year’s request, noting that this is an annual event. Give Marketing a heads up before they set the budget for next year that just like last year, you expect to incur the following expenses: (list).
Anonymous
1) Stop calling these conferences. Call them business development trips (or whatever the lingua franca is in your firm for important business generation opportunities).
2) Remember that you are a partner and unless these people complaining to you are senior partners directly responsible for your business, they are your EMPLOYEES and have no power over you.
OP
Yeah the people encouraging/complaining are senior partners. Yes you should totally go to this conference and make you/us look good! But also you should be available in person whenever I want! And now that you’re a partner I will make passive aggressive remarks rather than directly complain!
I couldn’t care less what the staff marketing people say.
anon
I have a PhD in a social science from the leading univ in the country in that field. I took a job immediately following that right after that in a totally different field, but now am feeling the pull to spend more time in that space ( on those topics, with students etc). I really want to start teaching part time at community college or one of the local universities. Has anyone done this as a non-career educator or academic? I’m not trying to get anything out of this career wise, it’s more for the community engagement and getting in touch with a previous version of myself. I don’t want to change my primary career path.
anon
I’m in the US btw
pugsnbourbon
I would reach out to adjuncts at the target institutions. Adjuncting is generally a lot of work for very little money, but overall working conditions can really vary.
Nesprin
Yep, adjuncting can be a thing for established career folk!
It’s easiest if you can find the dept chair for your local cc, get on their radar as someone who can teach, and make sure you’re eligible to teach in their dept (i.e. llama grooming dept may or may not accept an alpaca grooming PhD, and there may be paperwork to demonstrate equivalence). I gave a seminar and volunteered for the dept board, which put me in high favor with the dept chair, and she called me to teach a few classes. FYI, often times adjuncts get called last minute.
Anon
Can we talk pant length? I’m adding more straight leg and slightly wide leg pants to my business casual wardrobe. What is the most current length for these cuts? (I’m short so I need to alter anyways.)
Monday
I think the desired length really depends what shoes or boots you’re wearing (which in turn may vary by weather conditions!). I recently admitted that I need similar pants in different lengths for this reason.
Anon
Look on the youlookfab forum. I asked Angie this question a couple of weeks ago and she gave really detailed answers.
Paging Dr the Original
Haven’t seen a post from you since the holidays and just wondering if you heard back from Dream Job and also I think you had a surgery scheduled – hope you are recovering well! Thinking of you and miss your always kind posts!
Vicky Austin
+1 – where are you Dr??
Anon
I hope she’s doing well. She stopped posting very shortly after some rando Anon took a shot at her for writing comments that were too long.
Curtains
Curtains. Is it a thing to buy the standard length and have a local tailor hem the curtains to the right length? I think I need 90inch length (the house already has curtain rods but the sellers took the atrocious looking curtains with them.) so buy 96inch from BB&B or Target and get them hemmed??? Or buy custom?
Anonymous
Go ikea! Their curtains are quite high quality and get someone to take them up.
Anom
Curtains. Is it a thing to buy the standard length and have a local tailor hem the curtains to the right length? I think I need 90inch length (the house already has curtain rods but the sellers took the atrocious looking curtains with them.) so buy 96inch from BB&B or Target and get them hemmed??? Or buy custom?
Anon
Yeah, you can get them hemmed. It’s probably significantly cheaper to hem Target curtains than it is to get custom made curtains.
Anonymous
Absolutely. I needed some odd sizes and a local tailor hemmed them for me for a very fair price. They turned out great
Anon
Or you can do iron-on hem tape yourself.
Curtain Length
The ones I bought (at La Samaritaine) are too long for my US windows, so I let them puddle. Elegantly, i hope.
dear reader
Yes easy thing for local tailer to hem them.
However, if your ceilings are high enough, I highly recommend moving the curtain rod up and wider than the window frame. It truly makes a big difference.
https://www.apartmenttherapy.com/psa-hang-curtains-high-wide-elements-of-style-170163
So if you’re not handy, save the money from the seamstress and hire a handyman or handy friend to move the curtain rod. :) It should take them less than an hour.
Anom
Curtain rods are already as high as possible. I guess the ceilings are not that high? The rods are too fat for grommet curtains and they left the rings. So 90 inch is what I’m left with.
Anon
Dumb Q about electric cars. My husband’s a pilot and commutes 90 mins each way to the airport (88 miles, generally about once a week). Can an electric car hold a charge such that he could do the drive, park it for 3-4-5 days, then drive home? Would it start ok in cold weather without a fresh charge? Assume a charging spot isn’t available.
anon
This is fine for the electric cars with which I’m familiar. For a Tesla, if you want the car to be toasty in winter/cool in the summer and ready to drive the moment you walk up, you can schedule that in the app or in car before you go. While electric cars use some energy to keep the battery at a reasonable temperature, it’s not a ton.
I’d double check for the specific model if you’re getting an electric car with a very small battery, though. Also, you can turn off energy-heavy features like Sentry mode (turns on the headlights and records if there’s anything detected by motion sensor) if you’re concerned about battery life.
nananon
Yes, that should be fine. We’re looking into EVs right now in anticipation of our older car needing to be replaced, and most have at least 250 mile ranges on a full charge.
anon
I’m afraid I can’t answer those questions, but wanted to point out that you may want to avoid a hybrid car given your circumstances. Hybrid cars have two catalytic converters as opposed to just the one on an ICE car and have been really targeted by thieves looking to saw the catalytic converters out of cars in long term parking.
Anonymous
Plus one. We have an older Toyota Prius and the catalytic converter has been stolen twice in the last month. We have concluded that we can’t keep the car. (We park it on the street.)
Anon
OP here. Was planning to go full electric, but thanks for the warning about hybrids – good to know.
JHC
I have a Tesla 3 and I do this regularly. It’s fine.
Cait Maccallum
Hello all! I’m going on a six week business trip – I’ve never travelled for so long on business (or ever, actually.) I’m trying to think of non-clothing items – extra hangers, a steamer, Tupperware- that I should bring. Any ideas? I’m nervous!
Anonymous
If you are going to be staying in a single location, my tip would be to ship yourself a box of your favorite coffee or tea, healthy snacks, office supplies and some bubble bath. You likely will have room in your luggage at the end of the trip for the remains.
anon
In addition to the critical items (prescriptions, contact lenses) think of the stuff that’s annoying but manageable to go without for a short trip. Bring those items. For me that means vitamins, workout clothes, jewelry, my preferred hand cream, my own blow dryer, and a purse for dinners. Find out beforehand if there’s a drugstore nearby. It could be worth buying certain toiletries once you arrive- travel size makeup remover and toothpaste are particularly small. Research quick dining options as well.
At home you should clear out your fridge, take out the garbage, and tidy up before you leave. If it gives you peace of mind have a friend check on your place a few times while you’re gone.
Anon
And, depending on your mailbox situation, have your mail held or arrange for someone to pick it up.
anonshmanon
Maybe a pickup order at the local Target is an option?
Anonymous
If you’re staying in one location, I highly recommend getting there, then going to Target and buying what you might need. I recently did a six week stay in a hotel and bought extra hangers and an extra desk lamp at the nearest Target and was very happy with that. I didn’t need a steamer because the hotel had an iron. I did stock up on some basic food/snack items for the hotel, along with a ton of bottled water. But most of this I could do after I scoped out what the hotel offered.
Anonymous
Foldable yoga mat. Tampons. A plug in hot pad (all that travel will lead to some soreness/uncomfortable bed). Sticky bottom socks (e.g. barre sockets) as a slipper replacement. Can also act as normal socks if needed. Sleep mask. Set of those light dimming stickers if you’re moving hotel to hotel.
Anon
Today I Learned you can buy stickers to cover annoying LED lamps and I ordered some because that is my number-one complaint while traveling – all the stupid LEDs everywhere (I covered the ones in my bedroom at home with electrical tape). Thank you for this suggestion!
anon
I wouldn’t pack extra hangers, a steamer, or Tupperware for starters. The longer my trip, the more I devote my suitcase space to clothing. Everything else can be bought on site, but clothing (except for hats and socks) is difficult to locate while stuck in an unfamiliar place. You should not be carrying food to your destination unless it’s a 12-pack or two of your favorite protein bar.
If you don’t have one, a cloth laundry bag for use as a hamper is a nice upgrade.
I do pack a mini medicine cabinet in my carry-on: Kleenex, aspirin, Zyrtec, Pepto Bismol, Band-aids, hydrocortisone cream, Neosporin, sunscreen wipes, tampons, international regulation size scissors, tweezers, nail clippers, a nail file, Q-tips, hand sanitizer, travel sized hand lotion, lip balm, a clean contact lens case, hair ties, an old pair of eye glasses. I pack the real Sudafed when its allowed in the countries I am going to, but in some places it is contraband. The big stuff – toothpaste, contact lens solution, shampoo, deodorant – you can buy once you get there.
And you have clothes covered, but just in case: pack gym clothes, socks, and running shoes. The gym clothes are your loungewear and sleepwear until they are too dirty for that, and then they become your workout gear.
Make sure you have a way to log in to all of your bank and utility accounts while abroad. There’s nothing worse than a locked card or a payment you forgot about that you are having to jump through hoops to handle.
Anonymous
A shower organizer. Hotel showers never have enough room to set shampoo without knocking over the face wash, etc. I have a mesh over-the-showerhead organizer I pack for long trips and it makes living out of a hotel just a little easier.
anon
Has anyone here had their gallbladder removed? It’s probably not really an “option”, and will have to be done, but would love any info. It would be able to be done laparoscopically. Pain? Recovery time? Anything different in terms of quality of life after the fact? Thanks!
Anon
I had this done laparoscopically (and by a robot) many years ago. The worst part in recovery is the gas post-op but that only lasts 2-3 days. I had gallstone attacks prior to having it removed that were extremely painful and scary. Those stopped right away. The only thing that doesn’t sit well with me all these years later is digesting mayonnaise. So I stay away from it. Otherwise, this was the easiest surgery I’ve ever had.
Anonamoma
Nearly every woman in my family has had to have this done, as well as one of my best friends. Unfortunately it is genetic and I will likely have to have it done sometime in the not too distant future, as I’m already having gallbladder pain.
Recovery from the actual surgery doesn’t seem too terrible for the most part, but some people have significant digestive issues afterward. My mom had to permanently go on a fairly low-fat diet and also had to cut our several foods that ended up causing her a lot of digestive pain. Meanwhile, my friend was able to eat pretty much normally as soon as she was healed from the procedure.
Fingers crossed that you will be able to eat normally without many side effects from missing the gall bladder!
Josie P
I had it done a few years ago. I didn’t pick up my kids for 2 weeks and just did my work from the couch instead of going into the office (par for the course for now, lol!) and I couldn’t wear anything tight for a couple of weeks but that was all. I had really painful gallstones (only 2 attacks but that was enough!) and haven’t had any issues since. Very occasionally if I eat a really high-fat dinner (kara-age chicken is the usual culprit) I have some stomach discomfort for an hour or so but that’s it.
London (formerly NY) CPA
Not me but my mom who I was a caretaker for at the time. She has a really hard time with anything fatty / greasy now, so be prepared for that if you occasionally like a greasy spoon-type place for a treat. They’re not really a treat anymore because of how ill she gets.
Lots to Learn
I had mine removed years ago and have had no long-term effects (i.e. no problem eating fatty foods). The surgery itself was no big deal. The worst part was shortly after. Apparently, the air that gets in your body cavity will migrate up to your shoulders and cause pain until it dissipates. And I was being so cautious / tender about my midsection, I didn’t use my core muscles and ended up having back spasms. But that was probably just me being a wuss.
Anon
I had it done laparoscopically 18 years ago. The recovery was fine – I used the percocet they gave me for two days, maybe? I had a newborn at the time and I was home alone with her on Tuesday after a Friday procedure. The difference in quality of life was amazing – I went from chronic low-grade pain with extreme flare-ups to nothing. I don’t have any diet restrictions, and can eat a much wider variety than before.
Anon
Had mine out in October of 2020. It was an easy surgery, back at work a day later, and my only follow up was a video visit. I had no issues after and did not change my diet or impact my quality of life at all. My husband had his out at the same facility a few years prior. He took a week off work to recovery and had to significantly change his diet thereafter to avoid digestion issues. Everyone has a different experience. Hope yours goes as easily as mine did.
nyclaw
For those who travel for work– how often do you think you can get away with wearing the same basic suit on the same trip? Debating whether two suits for 4 days would be something that others would notice and think “why isn’t she changing her clothes?” Traveling for work for 4 days and would prefer to not check my bag and also only own two suits at this point and would just as soon not buy another one solely for this.
Liza
In your shoes, I personally would bring 4 different suits. The potential perception of not wearing clean clothes is not a great look, even if technically suits can be reworn multiple times between cleanings. Likewise for business casual trips, I bring a different pair of pants and top for every day, even though perhaps one “can” rewear slacks between washings.
Anon
Eh? It’s totally fine to rewear, say, black pants during a business trip so long as they can look fresh again.
OP, what kind of meetings are you doing? I’m trying to figure out why you need a full suit for four days if not for a trial. For a trial, yeah, you probably need more than two suits. Otherwise, I just can’t imagine a world where business separates – blazers and pants rather than suits – wouldn’t be appropriate.
Anonymous
+1.
Anon
A new suit every day?! That’s bananas.
Anon
Agreed, nuts. I’d bring something to make four different looks, but never four suits. The expectations when traveling are that you’re carrying on luggage and rewearing things.
anon
This, or at least four outfits. I have heard people comment on a highly-respected colleague who had worn the same shirt for three non-adjacent days in a week. You really don’t want to be that person, especially if for whatever reason the clothes have started to smell.
For the future, I think it’s totally worth it to buy a suiting set of three pieces, where there is one jacket with two different bottoms (two pairs of pants in different cuts or one skirt and one pair of pants). When I wore suits more often, I did this and it made things so much easier.
Anon
Haha no this is ridiculous.
Anon
Definitely not 4 suits. I would mix it up with pants suits, skirts, and dresses. Maybe only two real full suits and then basic black blazers that can go with anything
Anon
Yep. What I would do is bring a full pant suit, an additional blazer, an additional pair of pants (very neutral), a dress, and then maybe an additional skirt (maybe one that goes with the suit but maybe not). Complementary colors/patterns, all dark colors. Wearing a blazer over a dress is a completely different look than wearing a pantsuit and most people won’t clock OP as re-wearing the blazer – or if they do, it will totally make sense. She can mix and match those pieces into different outfits for all four days (and even do some switch-up for evening looks if necessary) without looking like she’s obviously repeating pieces (even though she is).
I would also bring two different shells to wear under the jackets. People definitely notice when shirts are repeated.
London (formerly NY) CPA
Different tops and accessories should be enough to change up the look of the suits. I would absolutely say 2 suits for 4 days is sufficient.
NYCer
+1. It would never occur to me to bring more than two suits tbh. Definitely different tops each day though.
Anon
Two suits for four days seems totally fine to me, assuming you have a different blouse each day.
Anon
I wouldn’t do this as I have noticed men who wear the same suit days in a row; meaning it gets noticed. If you don’t need a full suit all days, could you wear the pants again with a nice top and cardigan?
Senior Attorney
But… the men are doing it with impunity. So which way does that cut? Also presumably you would alternate your two suits rather than wearing them on sequential days.
Anonymous
I think this really depends. Do you have to dress if a full on matching suits? In these situations I usually bring 4 jackets and two pants and do jacket pant coordinates rather than matching (and I fly carry on). One time I went to a conference and brought all black and white clothing and that allowed me to mix things up. For example first day white jacket and black pants, 3rd day white jacket and black dress. It worked out really well. You could do something like that.
anon
I try not to repeat full outfits except maybe my first and last day. I still make sure the jewelry and blouse are different. I wouldn’t rewear two outfits though. If you can get away with separates then use the same pants with a noticeably different jacket on Day 2. And if you regularly need to wear a suit four days in a row you should invest in a third one. Maybe I’m just a slob but what happens if you spill food or sweat a lot?
thanksgiving anxiety
If I ever noticed someone re-wearing the same suit on a trip, which I probably would not, I’d at most assume they just aren’t as obsessed with clothes as me. I think as long as you have different tops every day it’s fine.
Anon
No one will notice. Change the blouse out. You’re fine.
Anonymous
For a two-week trial, I brought three suits, an additional jacket that went with all of the suit pants, along with six blouses. I also brought two dresses, a pair of jeans, and two casual tops. I did laundry on the weekend and sent one of the suits for dry cleaning on Thursday night after rewearing and the others on Friday.
This seemed to offend no one. My (male) colleagues travelling did similar but probably re-wore shirts more and switched ties for each day and had more casual clothes with them.
Anon
Regular poster but anon for this.
A teenager in our family ended their life on Friday. They were bright, thinking about the future, and had so much ahead of them. Please hug your kids and loved ones extra tightly today in their memory.
The parents have asked for space and are taking this time on their own terms, which is the least they can ask for. We are on standby for travel/support, but if anyone has any other tips/resources they can share (outside of sending meals, flowers, etc.), please do.
So Sorry
Oh, this is so hard. I’m so sorry and the main things you outlined are good. Otherwise, I’d focus on the longer-term so you can reach out to them and be supportive around future birthdays and holidays and talk about how they’d want this person remembered to them.
eertmeert
I am so so sorry for your loss. I don’t have particular advice for the current situation, but something to keep in mind going forward is to check in on them regularly after the initial wave of support recedes. There were so many people reaching out to our family in the month or so after my dad died, but within 6 months it was crickets. And that is natural for people to move on, but the family member that regularly reaches out to remember him with me and share memories over the last few years is so precious to me and I cherish those moments.
Senior Attorney
Oh, no! I’m so, so sorry!
I second the suggestion to not be afraid to talk about the lost child going forward. Yes, it will be excruciating for everybody for a long time (probably forever), but the only thing worse will be to act as though they never existed.
Monday
+1.
go for it
My heart goes out to your and your family and am weepy on your behalf.
M sibling did this 15+ years ago and the best tips I can give from personal experience are
1) to be there once the dust settles and it gets really quiet for them
2) to still talk about the person as they were, not as that event
The thing is, it is a silent, desperate action with awful associations. That said, when it get spoken of it becomes ALL the person was, which is unfair and deeply untrue.
I highly recommend reading the book Silent Grief and attending Survivors of Suicide meetings.
best to you
Hyacinth
So so sorry for your loss.
Stay in touch with the parents in low-key ways, including “thinking of you but you don’t have to reply” messages (text, email or snail mail as per parents’ preference).
Write up whatever you remember about the teenager and send it to the parents.
If parents/family have designated an organization to receive “in memory of” donations, make a donation. Doesn’t have to be a huge amount; just give what you can.
Mark your calendar to reach out to the parents on the one-year (and going forward) anniversary of the death date–or the birth date.
Vicky Austin
No advice; just many hugs to support you while you support and lean on the rest of your family. I’m so sorry.
Anon
A lovely gesture is to send a card now, a year from now, 5 years from now, anytime…. just recounting something about their child. A memory of ANY sort. That you are thinking about them. That you haven’t forgotten about them. And by them, I mean the child, and their parents.
Anon
That is so so awful! I’m so sorry. Sending love and support to you and your family.
Anon
I’m very sorry for your loss. Remember grief comes in waves. They might feel very supported now, but please check in with them as time goes on. A good friend’s son took his life a year ago, and sometimes she still needs a phone call or coffee break when she’s having a tough day.
Anon
This was me 3 years ago. Lots of good suggestions here. I’d like to emphasize joining a support group for suicide survivors. It’s very comforting to be with others who are going through the same hell. MY DH and I grieved very differently and the survivors group was my lifeline. Food was good, too. Not for me (I had trouble eating) but for all the people who descended on our house. And of course, go to the memorial service. I am still in awe of all the people who came and the distance they traveled to support us. Even more touching are the folks who reach out us each year on my son’s birthday and the anniversary of his death to send a flowers, a note or a text to let us know they’re thinking of us.
Anon
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I just can’t imagine. Thanks for sharing this with us.
Mulberry?
Hello! Anyone have any experience with Mulberry brand handbags? I’m looking for a somewhat luxury leather purse for fun times (i.e., not work), and am balking at the prices at other big name brands. TIA!
Prius owner
Ugh…. I just got back from my first vacation in (….I’m embarrassed to say how long….) and my punishment is that someone stole my catalytic converter from my Prius while I was gone.
I kind of had a feeling this would happen at some point. There’s an epidemic of this specific theft where I live, and I park outside.
Anyone have this happen? Did you put in a shield afterwards to prevent the new one from getting stolen too?!?!
nananon
Yes, and yes. Our Prius was in our driveway and we were home when it was taken. The thieves have gotten really fast at removing them. It was something like $175 to add the shield, so we had it put in when we replaced it.
Anon
What is this shield? My car is currently parked in garage but we will be moving this summer and likely not have secure parking. Also, this is very common and a fear of mine!
Anonymous
Our catalytic converter just got stolen despite the fact that there is a shield on it. We replaced it, and then they stole it again. We’ve decided we can’t keep the car. We park on the street and it just feels ridiculous to keep replacing the same item.
OP
Ugh! This is also my fear, and I have heard a similar story in my area.
I am bringing it to the shop tomorrow, and am debating what to do. Fortunately, I have comprehensive that covers a bit of the replacement. I am debating all the things I can see online… paint it orange, put your VIN number on it, add the shield, weld it in etc… or give up?
Anon
Are you switching to a different type of car or ditching a car all together?
Anonymous
We’re switching to an electric vehicle.
anon
Any advice on what to about a problematic neighborhood cat when the owners won’t do anything? Our neighbors have an unaltered male cat that is 100% outdoor. It poops and pees in our yard and it attacks our (spayed) female cat, who spends the majority of her time inside but used to like to sit on our porch in the afternoons. Now she is afraid to because he chases her, pees on her, and at least once has pulled out some of her fur. The latest is that he has started coming up to the windows of our house at night, and if he can see her inside, he yowls and screams such that she is running all over the house trying to get out of his sight. Often after this happens, she poops or pees outside the litterbox.
We mentioned this to our neighbors and they shrugged it off as just a cat being a cat. Animal control in our city won’t do anything unless an animal bites a human or is stray. Anything we can do? Our cat is so freaked out at this point that she won’t go near the windows, and that is really sad for a cat that used to love sitting in a windowsill looking out at the world (much less one that used to love to lay in the sun on our porch). I’ve tried letting our dog out whenever I see him, and he will chase the cat out of the yard, but there is no long-term deterrent effect.
Anon
Ugh, that is beyond frustrating. Your poor cat! Animal owners like that make me so angry. I don’t have any helpful tips, other than maybe asking your vet if they have any suggestions? They may know something more about city ordinances or animal behavior that may help…
Anonymous
Have you looked into motion detecting products? Like maybe a sprinkler system? Idk if lights alone would scare off a persistent kitty.
Or you could create a complex Mouse Trap-style system like that guy on YouTube did with squirrels. Kidding kidding.
anon
I think your only recourse is to keep the cat from roaming your yard, through a fence or other deterrent.
anon
We have a fence, which it jumps over.
Anon
Sounds like a stray to me…
MBAMags
Sounds like neighborhood male “Tom” wants to become very special friends with your girl. Some of this behavior should stop if Tom gets fixed- is that something they would consider? If he is a stray/ 100% outdoor who doesn’t really “belong” anywhere, a local shelter/ rescue group may be a help to TNR him.
Also, talk to your vet about this issue- your girl may need some anxiety meds to help cope until Tom can quit being a hormonal jerk. The vet may also be willing to offer care to Tom at a reduced rate.
Anon
We had a similar situation, but we still don’t know who the neighbor cat belonged to. There are canisters of air with motion sensors that blast air when an animal gets in range. We got four of them and put them in strategic spots in the yard and near the back door. Also, we put up contact paper on the lower windows to block our cat’s view. This stopped the middle of the night yowling. The idea is to prevent your cat from seeing any other cats that might be intruding into its territory. We got some ok looking paper that wasn’t completely opaque and it didn’t look too terrible, and it’s also temporary. Our cat calmed down, and the neighbor cat stopped coming into our yard after we put out the canisters. It took a few weeks of diligently putting them out especially at night. You’ll have to switch them off when your dog is in the yard then turn them back on. Last thought: when you see the cat, chase him away yourself. That might be more of a deterrent than the dog.
Paging Curious
I saw your post asking about an attorney in San Diego to help your friend with their house contractor. A lot is going to depend on whether this is a multi-million mansion or a standard single-family home. A lot of the attorneys who specialize in construction defect litigation will not take on the latter. My advice would be to contact Bill Naumann at Naumann Levine Sildorf and see if he is interested. If it is too small a case for him (which is likely unless you are talking Rancho Santa Fe or La Jolla) he has a number of very competent solo practitioners he refers cases to.
Good luck to your friend.