ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 294 Comments

Weekend Open Thread

black saffiano crossbody bag from Kate Spade

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

I haven't been into Kate Spade bags for a while now, but the brand has some new crossbodies out that look great.

This black saffiano bag is an interesting shape, and has a lot of dividers inside. Saffiano is a relatively durable leather, so if you're looking for one that could take a lot of wear and tear, this may be your bag.

(I'm also kind of in love with this pleated green leather “croissant”, although it's substantially more expensive at $480.)

The pictured bag is $228 and available at Nordstrom, Zappos, Bloomingdale's, and Kate Spade.

(Ooh, love this similar red and pink dome-shaped Kate Spade bag, on sale — and Zappos has even more options.)

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 12.5

294 Comments

  1. For those of you trying to budget food differently, or see others more often, here’s my February challenge:
    – No eating out unless I am with another person
    – This includes coffee
    – Pre-made meals from the grocery are OK

    I am 3 days in and this is the first time I’ve packed my lunch 3 days in a row in… years?

    1. I’ve been doing pretty much the same thing for the last year or so. I only eat out when its something social, I’ve almost completely cut out takeout, but I do let myself get things from the grocery store hot bar or frozen meals (and the very occasional sushi or cheesesteak takeout, since those are things I can’t really eat at home).

      I meal prep about half of my meals and eat very quick, basic meals for my other at-home or packed meals.

      My new thing is to only drink when I’m socializing, but I haven’t nailed that one yet.

      1. I am doing something similar, but not exactly. I only will go out to a restrurunt if I am with a cleint and can bill the meal to the cleint. I otherwise dial in for takeout at the office, and bill it to the cleints who’s work I am working on during lunch. If a man wants to eat with me, I will see if he will be paying for it. If so, I will go, but warn him up front that I will not do stuff in bed with him afterwards or the next day. If Myrna wants to meet for dinner, I first sugest she come to my apartment where we can order in. It is to cold to walk around this weekend anyway. If Myrna insists on going out, I say we go to the 2nd Avenue Deli, where the food is clean and fresh. I have also cut out alchohol b/c it makes my tuchus bigger then it needs to be. I have substituted Diet Pepsi for alchohol and have not looked back.

    2. I’m trying a similar challenge. I always pack my lunch anyway, because I’d rather spend the money on eating dinner out, but I’m trying to cook more and only eat dinner out with friends.

      I just spent so much money at the grocery store on ingredients yesterday (holy cow is food ever expensive now) but hopefully it pays off.

    3. I am a food hoarder – since before the pandemic. My 2023 goal is empty cabinets and eott freezer. I know I can’t actually get to zero but I want to get very close. So I am very carefully meal planning and forcing myself to just go with what I have vs what I crave on the day. Hard but it will be such a positive for my bank account and waistline if I can stick with it.

  2. TW – graphic news stories. I’m having trouble with two recent news stories in my area (cohasset and Duxbury). I do not know the people involved. I feel both like I am grieving and I feel obsessed almost? Especially the Duxbury case – I feel desperate to figure out why. I’m a mom to an 18 month old. Has anyone every struggled with this? I’m spending time on news articles etc and know I shouldn’t. I have also reached out to three therapists this week just haven’t heard back – I’ve been feeling depressed and I think this just kind of put me over the edge. I can’t talk about this with anyone because understandable people don’t want to talk about the case, and it feels stupid to feel this upset over people I have no connection to

    1. Since becoming a mom I have to avoid any news stories about children dying or being seriously harmed. I’ve seen the headlines about Duxbury but have no desire to send myself into a doom spiral by reading the details. I can’t even really read fiction that centers around a child’s death. Given that you’re local, I think feeling like you’re grieving is completely normal. I definitely felt grief when a high school classmate’s child died of cancer, even though I barely knew the classmate and had never met the child.

      1. Same. My son was very small when Newtown happened and it wrecked me for days, I could not watch the coverage and I still have a hard time talking about any violence that impacts children without sobbing (also was a big mess after Uvalde).
        It is really hard to get mental health appointments right now, but I’m so glad you’re trying! In the meantime, if you’re really struggling I’d reach out to your doctor (OB/primary care/etc.) and say ‘I’m struggling with low mood and anxiety – I think I’d benefit from medication’. My doctor asked a few follow up questions and then prescribed some meds. I was/am doing the whole exercise/sleep/healthy eating/mediation stuff but unfortunately it wasn’t enough and meds really really help me. They’re not something you have to take forever but I also think people avoid them and suffer longer than they need to.

        1. I was just numb after Uvalde. I couldn’t let myself feel because I knew if I did it would be too much.

          1. I have a 5 year old and 2.5 year old and live in TX. We had dinner with good friends that Friday night and they couldn’t stop talking about it and I just started crying right there in the middle of the restaurant. I was a bit of a mess for a few days.

        2. I felt a rage I can’t describe at the media who spent way too much time on the Newtown shooter having ASD. We have ASD in our home and I still feel that rage when I think of some of the things a couple of older relatives said to me, based on that media, right before I ripped them a new one.

    2. I remember feeling like this with all of these people-interest stories. I only really see them when I open a new browser in Edge. Years ago I used to read CNN or the like every day and would get obsessed with the stories and worried about them – I finally realized I wasn’t well informed and I wasn’t learning anything (much – I still remember learning the “rule of 3” from a story about a family who had gotten stranded in a snowstorm and the father wandered around delirious and died, not even that far from where searchers were hunting. you can survive 3 minutes without air, 3 hours without shelter, and 3 days without water, and 3 weeks without food.)

      anyway I stopped reading and have been much happier. Tragedy news stories get clicks but they caused me distress too.

    3. I’m with you. I grew up in Cohasset. Went to school with/was friends with immediate family of the Dux husband. I’m pretty hard to rattle – news stories tend to have no impact on me (sadly, I suppose) but I’ve cried over that story more that I’d like to admit. Maybe it’s because I have my own 4 year old daughter and it was just so dang personal?

      I will say, the more I learn about the mom (have you read husband’s go fund me note? my god…) it’s helped me to process that this was an incredibly good human plagued with an incredibly unfair, cruel ailment that could legitimately happen to any one of us who give birth.

      It doesn’t make it any less tragic, but somehow reading the dad’s words helped to ground me a bit. Are you talking to a therapist? I think that would be huge, huge benefit to you as you process these incredibly complicated and valid feelings.

      1. I am not but I am looking for one. The dads words haunt me everyday, and I think I’m struggling with the idea that this could happen to a woman who loved her children. It is just so horrific, and I can’t stop thinking about what her husband is going through, what her kids must have been going through, and what she is as she wakes up and maybe comprehends this. It is making me scared to have a second child – even though I know this outcome is so rare. The idea that she meant to do this is incomprehensible, but the idea that she didn’t is almost worse

        1. This happened to someone I know. The mind is a powerful crazy thing. But knowing the person I knew, it is so inconceivable that she would ever have done what she did that in a way post partum psychosis is the only way that it actually makes sense. And what made me so mad – other than what happened, obviously – is how people treated what happened as if she was some monster. I think if we can take anything positive away from these tragedies it’s to make sure it doesn’t happen to others and that we are more mindful of post partum depression too. I always make a point of checking in one new moms regularly and never assume that they are all just happy and blissed out to be moms or act like they should be.

    4. Look, I appreciate that this is an anonymous board where women can voice concerns they don’t feel comfortable talking to their friends about.

      Nonetheless, I’m going to ask you to stop being “obsessed” with finding out “why” of the Duxbury deaths. There is no deep reason that will satisfy your morbid curiosity. She has postpartum psychosis.

      I found out when I was pregnant with my first (and only) that I was at high risk for it. My doctor made a game plan with me and my husband, talked to us about warning signs, and I explicitly told my husband that I would rather be put into inpatient care than risk harming our baby. It was TERRIFYING. Thankfully we dodged that bullet.

      And yeah, the ignorant crap people spouted at me during and after didn’t help. You know how many people called me selfish for not risking my health and sanity for another baby? You know how many only parked their nasty mouths shut when I pointed out it would not “just” be me dying – it could be me living and my kids dying?

      Please stop acting like this is some big mystery. I know that the only difference between me and Lindsay Clancy is I dodged the same bullet that hit her and her entire family.

      1. I don’t think you understood my comment- I am not thinking about this obsessively because of a morbid curiosity. I’m deeply upset by the tragedy, I am very aware that I am using unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with my own anxiety and depression, and I am asking this board for advice or help, since mental health resources are not available to me at the moment. It sounds like you think I making light of it or something and I am absolutely not. I am sorry you dealt with insensitive people when you were dealing with ppp or the possibility of it but I don’t think posting here about my own mental health issue with a news story is the same thing. The comment about being more sensitive once you had children resonated with me – I think I have had a much harder time “moving on” from tough news story since having a baby

        1. You said, and I quote,
          “I feel obsessed almost? Especially the Duxbury case – I feel desperate to figure out why.”

          “I’m struggling with the idea that this could happen to a woman who loved her children.”

          “It is making me scared to have a second child”

          “The idea that she meant to do this is incomprehensible, but the idea that she didn’t is almost worse”

          Please educate yourself about postpartum psychosis and ask yourself if your words might be hurtful to women who had it or are at high risk of it.

          1. I think you’re being unkind. I’m reading OP’s words as a fear this will happen to her. People are allowed to have their own fears (and you don’t know her mental health status) and she’s not having them @ you.

          3. OP is bending over backwards to make someone else’s tragedy about her. Don’t feel sympathy for her “mental health status;” self-centeredness is not in the DSM.

          5. Anon at 12:53 a.m., I am going to recommend that in the future you maybe don’t drink a bunch of wine (most likely) and post to the board at 1 in the morning. I think in this case it lead to you saying some incredibly cruel things that you probably would have thought better about saying otherwise.

          6. The self centeredness here is interpreting OP’s request for advice on how to handle overwhelm from news stories – something many people experience – as an attack on YOU and your experiences. OP isn’t being self centered at all. She is acknowledging a strong emotional response to an objectively sad story and seeking ways to deal with her reactions in a healthy way. She sounds like a kind person going through a hard time. OP, I hope it gets better.

          7. Thank you for those that left kind , thoughtful comments for recognizing I am in a bad place mentally and seeking advice.

          8. Not defending the comments, but a lot of us here don’t live in US eastern time. Just because a comment says it was posted at 1 am doesn’t mean it was 1 am for the person who was posting.

      2. wow – can I ask why you were at high risk for it?

        agree though, this is just postpartum psychosis.

      3. I am sorry you went through that. I was shocked on the last thread about postpartume depression when someone claimed she had PPD after adopting. Um, no. You were sad. Moms with severe postpartum depression sometimes kill their children. My experience for two months was so bad that I was afraid to have another baby.

        1. I agree there is a big difference between being sad/tired/stressed and being severely depressed, but why do you think an adoptive mom can’t have PPD? Men can have PPD and they don’t give birth, so I don’t see why an adoptive mom would be any different.

          1. Wow. I stand corrected. My understanding is that the psychosis is a result of the drastic hormone changes in the mother after giving birth. What I felt during two months after giving birth was absolutely terrifying. Not saddness or depression but fear, dread, and psychotic thinking.

          2. Hormones are a big factor, which is why it’s generally a bigger issue for birth mothers. But it is increasingly being recognized in parents who didn’t give birth: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/yes-postpartum-depression-in-men-is-very-real/

            FYI depression manifests in many ways besides sadness. There was actually a big discussion on the moms page today about how anger can be a depression symptom, and I’ve seen it written up in the news too: https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/02/04/689747637/if-youre-often-angry-or-irritable-you-may-be-depressed
            Very common misconception that depression means just being weepy and lethargic, but it can show up in a lot of other ways.

          3. Also I would argue that it’s not really healthy to regularly feel “sad” after the birth of a child. Exhausted, overwhelmed and excessively emotional, yes, but constant sadness does not seem like something a healthy person is feeling after welcoming a child, so even if it’s “just” sadness and not a total inability to function, it’s still worth talking to a doctor.

          4. My doctor told me crying sometimes is perfectly normal, but crying everyday means I should give her a call.I think it’s good way to think about the difference.

    5. I’m glad you’ve reached out to therapists, I hope you don’t have to wait long to hear back.
      I also think you need to take a step back and tell yourself that you’ll never really figure out why, beyond what you’re told in the news. Stop borrowing trouble, as my grandmother used to say, because you’ll never to come to a good end.

      1. Thank you , I know that’s true objectively. I think it’s like picking a scab- if I “figure it out “ then I can feel safe from it (I know of course , that is not true or appropriate.) I think just having trouble processing the horror of it, and it being local means it is hard to avoid- but I will try

      2. Or be deeply grateful that you may never really understand why, because no one wants to walk that path.

    6. Yes, I hear you OP. I’m also in MA and can’t stop reading about this. It hits too close to home, both because I live in the same state and also have small kids. It’s horrible that so many lives are ruined because of this, but it reminds me to be grateful that I get to wake up every day and see my kids, and have mental health resources.

    7. Obviously you need help. No one should obsess over a random news story. Tragedy is all around us. You can’t take it all in.

    1. Ooh I have a whole playlist called “Strut” for when I’m getting ready and need to get my energy up.
      Highlights:
      “Man, I Feel Like a Woman” by Shania (obvs)
      “Mr. Brightside” and “Human” by The Killers
      “Raspberry Beret,” by Prince
      “Edge of Seventeen” by Stevie Nicks
      “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” by Whitney Houston
      “APESH!T” by The Carters
      “God Is A Woman” by Ariana Grande
      “Bad Girls” by M.I.A.
      “Fire Down Below” by Bob Seger (no I am not proud of this)
      “Thnks fr th Mmrs” by Fall Out Boy
      “Juice” by Lizzo

      1. Love that song by The Carters, also love 713 on the same album. And I remember fondly how my little then three year old nephew used to walk around saying “nice, nice, nice, nice, nice” when his mom and I both overplayed the entire album.

      2. Haha “fire down below” is one of my all-time favorite euphemisms. Waylon Jennings also has a song with that phrase.

  4. Gift ideas please! Family friends are having a joint bday party for their 2 kids, one is turning 2 and the other is turning 4. The parents make seven figures, I make about $50k/yr. They are kind and wonderful, I know they don’t expect anything splashy from me, but I would like to give something without breaking the budget. They have a lot of stuff, so I am torn between stuff and perhaps a gift card to a local children’s museum or trampoline park or something. Ideas? Budget $50 if possible but if this board tells me I need to increase it I can make that work!

    1. If they are a 7 figure family, they probably already have memberships to zoo, children’s museum, etc. What about a couple of books for each kid? I feel like you can never go wrong with getting young kids books.

      1. Books all the way, esp. if it’s something that you loved yourself as a kid.

      2. +1 – I would pick a book for each child and write something to them on the inner cover (why you picked it, why you think they’ll like it, etc.). I got a number of books like this when my son was born and while we donated a lot of his baby books I kept all the inscribed ones for him to have as an adult.

      3. Counterpoint: my household has a (very low) six figure income, but we have literally hundreds of books because everyone gives books. And that’s with regular culling and donation to the library. I do not like receiving books. Also 4 is old enough that the kid probably wants a toy or a fun experience and won’t be thrilled about getting a book.

    2. I just gave the board game Poop Bingo to my little nieces who are a little bit older. It was a big hit! I didn’t know of course that the daycare discourages potty talk, thereby unintentionally giving a gift that creates a dilemma for the parents!

        1. I wouldn’t get them, like, an instrument or an obnoxious noise toy that needs batteries. But yeah sorry not sorry :)

      3. I… dislike when people give gifts that create a dilemma for me. It’s not emotional labour that I need.

        2. As I said, it was not intentional. Ever since the huge success of Everybody poops, I thought it was fine to address this stuff in kid friendly language. Guess not everywhere. It’s really a cute game where you learn things about animals. Like that wombats poop cubes.

    3. I think the trampoline park is a great idea! My kid is 4 and recently attended a birthday party at one and all the kids has a blast. 2 is probably a little young for it, but most toddlers will enjoy running around after an older sibling even if they don’t really “get” the activity. I don’t think trampoline park memberships are really a thing, so I wouldn’t worry about that. I also wouldn’t assume 7 figure families have memberships everywhere, sometimes having lots of money means having not that much time.

    4. Even if they have a lot of stuff, a little more stuff might hit the spot. I gave this as a gift and the 1 and 3 year old siblings I gave it to never stop playing with it.
      https://www.amazon.com/Learning-Resources-Snacks-Sorting-Cupcakes/dp/B00AE9RJ6A/ref=asc_df_B00AE9RJ6A/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=309948354909&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3793966802349562657&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9003507&hvtargid=pla-432511120510&psc=1&region_id=373786

    5. I’d do a nice bucket of sidewalk chalk and call it a day. My kid loved sidewalk chalk at that age.

      2. A big plus of chalk is that at some point it’s used up and the parents don’t have to get rid of a thing their kid has outgrown.

      3. +1. Consumables are great. We are not by any stretch a 7 figure family, but kids have so much crap. And so much of it is plastic. Art supplies are great. Chalk, finger paint, craft paper. Not stickers or glitter though. Both are dangerous to adult belongings…

    6. What about stickers? They don’t take up much room even if hoarded for years, as I always did.

    7. Ask the parents what the kids would like most that will be within your budget and go from there.
      There are so many options that will be well-within the $50 that you won’t need to increase it.
      My kid liked little people, duplo, and playmobil 123 at those ages, but ask to be sure.

    9. I would do a board game, legos, or arts and crafts supplies. $50 budget is completely fine, could even do less tbh.

    10. I make 7-figures and I have a 2-year old. The gifts I like best are books that are unexpected for us – esp. by parents with kids a bit older than mine. I also like sidewalk chalk. I would not like bubbles as much because we have a big refillable jug for bubbles, but I am a little bit obsessive about sustainability. But better to give fewer things.

    11. Books. You don’t make enough money for fancy gifts or $50 and that’s ok! Or even just two cards and stickers in each card.

      1. I make $50k and give $50 birthday gifts to close friends’ kids. OP certainly does not need to spend that much if she doesn’t want to, but it’s not your place to police her spending. Gift giving brings people joy.

    12. Bring stickers and a balloon and a book for each. Done.

      My youngest is 4 and I promise she would love it.

    13. I’d bring an off limits treat like a bag of ring pops or a giant Costco container of gummy bears — not super expensive but a total novelty. My kids (even my 10 and 13 year olds!) would go nuts for this.

      1. My kids would have loved you for this. I would just ask no bubblegum please! We once had a party where an auntie type gave all the kids bubblegum and I was finding bubble gum stuck to furniture, rugs, pillows, walls, and floors for weeks.

    14. We are that family, gift us a good board game! Something the 2 year old will grow into, but that the 4 year old can play. Candyland, first orchard, Outfoxed, etc

      We have too many books. I have bags of kids books in my basement that I need to cull. We prefer to go to the library weekly for new books.

      1. Nah, if you do books do something more unique. Something about a special place or a shared interest with the family or a (less popular) childhood favorite. I am not kidding you when I say we got five copies of The Very Hungry Caterpillar when my daughter was born and we got at least two copies of several other Carle books. It’s like the #1 book people give new parents, maybe second to Goodnight Moon, which we also got a billion copies of. Eric Carle books are also pretty young for a 4 year old, I think of those more for kids who are still in the board book stage.

    16. I agree that the $50 budget is fine. My 4 year old grandson no longer likes being given books and doesn’t view them as real presents. He did however love the slime making kit I recently bought him at Target for less than $10. He would also enjoy receiving a fancy helium balloon. Our 18 month old grandson is too young to complain about being gifted books. He loves pop up and open the flap style books which makes nice gifts since they wear out so the copies at the library aren’t great. And if the older sibling got a fun balloon, then he would definitely want one too.

    17. We are like the family you’re gifting to and I would be totally happy just to have you attend. Agree that some of the best presents are consumable (chalk, crayons, bubbles, etc.) or less common books. Some specific examples are melissa and doug temporary tattoos, blank white notebooks for coloring, sticker sheets, fubbles (no-spill!). For books, one of the biggest hits was “An Anthology of Intriguing Animals” …prob a little old for the 2 yo but my kids now 4 and 6 adore it. We also have a space one and I believe the maker has other series as well. You sound very thoughtful.

    18. I’d probably give something like those Waldorf beeswax crayons and a pad of nice paper. Something consumable plus a card your kid signed or made. My kids went to preschool with the kids of some very well-off, very old money folks and this kind of thing was a pretty common present (low-cost but thoughtful).

    19. You could get something more “consumable”. Fun play dough colors, any of the goo type products. Kinetic sand refill. You’re a childfree adult going to a kids party. $15 per kid is fine. I’m sure they already have more toys that they need. Just do nice paper or gift bag to spruce it up.

    20. My two year old loves character bandaids. Baby shark. Sesame Street. Paw patrol. Buy a few boxes from target and you’ll be their favorite forever.

      It’s a consumable, and actually useful but could be used as stickers, or a fashion statement.

    21. What about a name puzzle? That’s my go-to gift for toddlers and under. Easy to store, educational with letters and colors, custom, can get them for about $25 on Amazon.

  5. how many time zones will you travel (and how long of a travel journey with flights/layovers) will you endure if you only want a 4 day vacation or so?

    1. Assuming no kids, my limit is probably about 5-6 timezones for a long weekend trip. With kids, probably 3. But I’d make exceptions for a special event or a special place.

    2. Are the four data four full days at the vacation site? Or does that include travel? I’m on the east coast, so I would probably only travel to the Caribbean or maybe to the west coast, assuming four full vacation days.

    5. Probably in the minority, but for only 4 days I would stay within a 3 to 5 hour drive of home.

      1. Me too, unless it’s for a wedding or another special event, not just a vacation.

    6. I never think about time zones but am only willing to invest so much of my time to get somewhere, whether I’m driving or flying.

      If it’s travel time plus four days at the destination, I’d travel 10 hours door to door. Sadly I live far enough west this rules out Europe (about 12 hours door to door with a direct flight).

      If it’s four days, and travel time has to come out of that time, I’m not going further than NYC or Miami (about 6 hours door to door if I do a direct flight).

    7. I’ll do a direct flight NYC to London or the West Coast or equivalent with max 1 connection but only if I have to (like a Manhattan Kansas wedding).

    8. For four days, we’ll usually only do a 2-3 hour flight to a destination within one time zone of our own, if we can get decent flight times. But we’ve lost our patience with complicated air travel at this point in our lives. I actually won’t book a flight with a plane change if the flight is 3 hours or less from our home airport (I always look for a direct, and we’ve chosen not to go some places if we absolutely have to change planes to a close destination, so that we end up flying two 1 or 1.5 hour legs). On longer flights, I really only want to change planes once. I’d do two if it were something like – we fly from our home city in the West to a hub, then to an international departure point, then to the international destination. But 2+ plane changes + long layovers for a four-day trip are a no from me. I’d rather pay more money to get better flights, and if I can’t – maybe we’ll just go somewhere else.

    9. DH and I will fly direct from MSP to anywhere in Europe or the UK for a four day vacation. That’s probably our max. We will also fly direct anywhere in the U.S. or Canada. But we pretty much refuse to do anything with a connection for four days (or almost at all), and have declined for years. We’re fortunate that we make enough money to pay for the direct flight.

  6. Has anyone been diagnosed with celiac? What were the process for diagnosis, and which doctor did you see?

    I had a upper gastroscopy and colonoscopy done in the past few months, and they took some tissue samples for biopsy and mapping. I know they tested for Helicobacter Pylori (as I had it previously), but I don’t know if a gastroenterologist would automatically test for Celiac disease — without being prompted — when they do the endoscopy, or if I need to specifically ask to look for it. To my knowledge the endoscopy did not cover the small intestine area.

    My IgA is low (0.42) and Anti-DGP IgG is high (24) when I was tested by a rheumatologist, and there was a remark on the blood test that it could be associated with coeliac disease — but I never followed up specifically, and Gasteroenterologist was not aware of this. I do tend to be more fatigued and have more joint pain in hands when I eat a lot of pizza and pasta, although not sure if it’s the cheese or gluten.

      1. +1

        I would follow-up with the gastroenterologist who did all of your scopes and discuss this and ask for the blood test.

      2. It only really works if you’ve been eating (or overloading) gluten. I wanted the blood test but I’d already cut way back. My doc said I could eat a huge amount of gluten and get tested, but I didn’t want to feel that bad again so I declined.

          1. I also declined gluten loading for the purpose of diagnosis.

            It’s not really ethical to require people to damage their bodies just so doctors can look at the damage. It’s not like there are any treatments anyway?

          2. Not enough to feel terrible and have my fingers swell up again, no. I can manage it myself anyway.

          3. You have to eat significant gluten for months for the tests (including endoscopy) to come back positive with any reliability. That’s a long time to feel terrible when the only treatment is to go back to not eating gluten.

          4. I had the same experience as Anon at 4:15 – I’d already cut back on gluten and was feeling much better (better than I had in years, in fact) and did not want to have to start eating gluten again just for the test.

            For me, it’s a pretty simple equation:
            Eat gluten = feel terrible, have rashes, spend way too much time in the bathroom
            Don’t eat gluten = feel great

            So I just don’t eat gluten. I may have celiac and I may not but if I do – I’m already doing what’s recommended. I don’t eat gluten. Even tiny amounts make me feel bad so I am even careful about cross-contamination.

          5. For those of you that haven’t had a test showing that you are celiac because of these reasons, do you still closely follow-up with a Gastroenterologist and nutritionist that agree with your likely diagnosis? And to make sure that you don’t develop (or haven’t developed already…) the numerous nutritional/vitamin deficiencies and complications that can occur either from untreated celiac, or for the challenges of any dietary change as big as gluten free? I’m also curious for a friend who struggled for years to get diagnosed, who developed severe complications from delayed diagnosis.

          6. My PCP runs regular tests for deficiencies (which often do show deficiencies that then I have to take supplements for; I’m also on B12 shots for life anyway from another condition). A dietician showed me how to check intake requirements so that my diet is adequate despite restrictions. I should probably follow up more with my gastroenterologist, but it feels like all they ever do is check how low my D and iron is, and it’s so expensive compared to PCP. I imagine I’ll need more screenings eventually because of the cancer risks.

            Avoiding gluten proteins is absurdly difficult when so many products have wheat contamination or wheat ingredients completely non-intuitively, and when labels cannot be trusted. One perk of a diagnosis might be getting insurance to cover the wheat-free formulation of one of prescription medications (which it currently does not). But eating a nutritionally adequate diet without gluten isn’t otherwise difficult; it’s mostly contamination that makes it difficult.

          7. Thanks for sharing this.

            I am disappointed that GI doctor’s haven’t established better care for those with Celiac There should be a specialist in every GI department in Celiac that everyone goes to see. I think it is because GI doctors make more money doing procedures/scopes than just doing good, basic medical care by following you with regular appointments and careful advice/monitoring for living safely with Celiac. It is not entirely their fault… it is the terrible way hospitals are run to make more money and health insurance reimburses relatively more poorly for basic medical care that involves just talking!

          8. There’s no treatment, 2:51. That’s the point. If you’ve stopped eating gluten and have found your symptoms improved, what is the point of eating a bunch of gluten and getting really sick just so your doctor can confirm what you already know, and then tell you not to eat gluten so you don’t get sick anymore?

            I feel like I just wrote the premise to a new Joseph Heller novel.

    2. Call the GI’s office and ask if they tested (mine did as long as they were taking samples for some other testing). You also can do a simple blood test, which is a good way to rule out but not necessarily be definitive at diagnosing (if you don’t have genetic markers, then you know that’s not it; if you have some, you might have Celiac but it’s not definitive) and endoscopy sample will need to confirm). Some people are gluten sensitive without actually having Celiac. I was incredibly sensitive to gluten but turned out that bloating was my only symptom of what turned out to be cancer in my ascending colon. After they removed the cancer with my ascending colon, I’ve had no problems with flour. My husband still talks about how crazy I was that when I was first told I had cancer at the colonoscopy–my first question to the doc was not cancer-related but “Can I eat pie again?” In fairness, I was still pretty drugged. Obviously not your situation since you just had the colonoscopy, but intolerances can happen for a number of reasons.

    3. You can start with a blood test but they do need to make a biopsy to be sure, I think.
      The most important thing is not to go gluten free before you have the test, since that can f@4& up the results.

      And don’t forget – gluten and wheat intolerance is real, so you might need to drop gluten without being celiac.

    4. Not sure what country you’re in, but if it’s USA, we are not amazing at this, and Celiac is underdiagnosed here.

      Low IgA both increases the risk of actually having Celiac and also increases the risk of false negative labs. (I think even non-Celiac sensitivity is increased in low IgA for some reason!)

      It is not great that the gastroenterologist didn’t know that. Sometimes they can do an alternate lab; other times they need you to eat a ton of wheat so they can do a biopsy and try to confirm that way. There’s also a genetic test to see if you even have the genes for it.

    5. Thank you for the responses! I’m in the UK. They did a celiac screen in the past but IgG, IgM, Anti-TTG IgA, and Anti-TTG IgG results were all within range — the only things that signaled were positive anti-DGP IgG and low IgA, which they flagged as potentially being celiac disease. I dug around for those tables with IgG / TTG IgA etc combinations but couldn’t find anything that fit my case. I’ll go back to my gastroenterologist.

  7. Reposting from Friday thread (thanks to those who already responded)!

    Has anyone been to a summer French countryside wedding as a guest? It’s my SO’s nephew’s wedding, will be a catholic mass plus reception and dinner plus brunch from what I understand.

    Looking for dress (?) recommendations or any tips on any aspect, as I’ve never been to a French wedding, and SO hasn’t lived in France for over two decades now. I’m in my mid 30s, size 8-10 in Banana Republic, J Crew, and between M and L in Talbots. Thank you in advance!

    1. I have been to weddings in the south of France. I am not sure what your budget is, but I don’t think you could go wrong with a floral print maxi dress. Something along the lines of Agua Bendita, but I am sure there are options at a lower price point. I would check Tuckernuck or Sezane.

  8. Speaking of news, does anyone know of a news aggregator website that’s politically neutral? Google News will suggest things based on your preferences and interests, which is what I’m trying to avoid. I’m looking for something that pulls headlines from multiple different sources, but doesn’t change the feed based on your interests.

    My mom loves the news. Always has. I remember being a kid and wanting to do something on a Sunday and there was no doing anything until she had read the whole paper cover to cover (“HOURS” in kid-speak, which wasn’t wrong ;) ). During the Trump years, she got a bit too conspiracy theory, but pulled back with concerted effort on my part to talk to her calmly about “Why do you think that? Have you thought about X? How do you think Y plays into this?” After two years of my conscientiously using a Therapist Voice to talk to my mom, she, in her words, “got tired of all the silly conspiracies” and became a wee bit more astute about the news. (Her brother, on the other hand, is full on Q and completely divorced from reality. Her other brother and her sister aren’t too far behind.)

    Her rhetoric has started to tick back up a bit again. “They’re shoving these electric cars down our throats!” Wait, what? Who’s they? No one’s forcing you to buy an electric car. You’re 75 – you’re likely to have left earth before the US passes an electric car mandate. “Kamala’s just not right in the head. She doesn’t have the mental capacity.” Kamala’s not popular, but her brains aren’t her problem. “I despise CNN! I just can’t stand it! It’s so liberal!”

    I’ve tried getting her to read just the AP or just Reuters, but those are a bit too dry for her and she does enjoy something of the fluffier articles you get from a news channel. (I get it; I like reading fluffy things, too.)

    Anyways, ideas for neutral news sources? I like an aggregator because I think it’s important for her to see how the same issue can change headlines across platforms.

    3. Does she have Instagram? @sharonsaysso regularly compares headlines about one event from different outlets, and gives generally great and thoughtful news coverage.

    4. Honestly if I were you I would stop engaging with her about politics and change the subject.

      1. not OP but I have similar family members. They think these are liberal news outlets even though when objectively measured, they tend to come out neutral.

    7. PBS – news hour
      BBC

      A subscription to a real newspaper that she can read cover to cover if that’s what she likes? Her local paper? Even USA Today if she wants the fluff too?

      I love NPR radio stations, and listen to all of my favorites scattered around the country on my Alexa devices – does your Mom use those?

      Even just watching the local evening news might be the best/easiest for your Mom.

        1. I used to watch Jon Stewart with my son when he was a teenager. A fun way to make sense of the crazy news in the world.

    8. I’m willing to bet she will find something to fault about any source you suggest.
      I would honestly just stop engaging and change the subject when she brings anything up.

    10. Admittedly I don’t watch Faux News, but I had no idea any outlet was pushing the “Kamala’s not right in the head, she doesn’t have the mental capacity” story. Whatever you think of her politics or job history, it’s pretty clear she’s whip-smart.

        2. Haha no you do not know tons of people who think she’s a moron. You’re making that up to support your own hateful view.

    11. https://www.allsides.com

      Also – a subscription to The Week? I think The Week still skews slightly left, but it pulls from news sources from all sides ad I think that’s just the temperature of a lot of news media.

    12. Does she like podcasts? The WSJ podcast is pretty factual. The WSJ news pieces are usually OK, but the editorial page is super-conservative.

    13. Buy her a physical subscription to the NYT and WSJ (can do NYT weekend only and WSJ weekday only, if desired).

    14. 15 years ago I was involved in a court case regarding an incident that made international news. The most accurate reporting was by the BBC, Al Jazeera, NYT, in that order. The worst source was, of course, the local newspapers.

  9. For those who have been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult (or ADD…I’m not sure I understand how the difference in how the symptoms present in an adult woman), did you go through a formal testing process? If so, did they conduct interviews with your friends and family? I want to talk to my psychiatrist about ADHD, and I noticed my mental health provider does testing…but it says “Interviews with family, friends, and/or co-workers close to the client will also be conducted.” I’m very, very uncomfortable with that, to the point where I wouldn’t consent and I assume the testing wouldn’t move forward.

    https://washingtonnutritiongroup.com/services/adhd-testing/

    2. I was just tested – she did not conduct interviews with family and friends. She interviewed me, gave me some forms to fill out, and a test called the QB Check. She mentioned after the fact that she could interview family/friends, but in my case it probably wasn’t necessary. (I am ADHD but am probably already on the drug that she would recommend for me, Wellbutrim.)

  10. A friend posted a quote on their Instagram story that essentially they can’t live life as carefree and as joyfully as they did in 2019 before the pandemic. I’m checking in with the friend to make sure they’re okay mentally, but I’m curious do others feel this way? I don’t personally feel this way, but am wondering if I’m in the minority.

    1. I do not, but I also had a pretty easy pandemic – I don’t live in a place that locked down aggressively and we had only limited school closures, so we didn’t experience the degree of isolation or the type of job/life impacts that a lot of people did.

    2. I have come through the pandemic unscathed, and I am living life as if things went from 2019 to 2023. But I am well aware that I have not lost a loved one, that I didn’t spend time in a hospital, that COVID was just a cold for me, that I am fortunate in so many ways. And that my anxiety was already medicated long before the pandemic – joking, but not.

      I don’t think you’re an outlier.

      1. +1 and I even had some breathing issues when exercising that last over year, but I still don’t feel like I am living my life any differently. I got a better job last spring and my life is bopping along pretty damn well (yes, I absolutely recognize my good fortune and privilege here). 43 yrs old with parents in 70s/80s FWIW

    3. The pandemic and the invasion of Ukraine still weigh on my mind daily.

      I have some people in my life who remain very high risk. If they get very ill, it won’t concern society at large because “they had pre-existing conditions” or “four or comorbidities” or “had fragile health.” They probably would not even appear in stats because they’d live (but with reduced quality of life) or would technically pass from the pre-existing condition instead (even though it wouldn’t have been dangerous on its own). 2019 was totally different because the contagious diseases going around before the pandemic were relatively much easier to avoid and also posed less risk. It just feels like this will never end!

      I also have people in my life whose finances were devastated by lockdown. So life just got harder/worse for my community in a lot of ways, and it’s far from normal still.

    4. I saw other people on SM talking about this very thing — I absolutely feel like this. 47. Pandemic was not on my bingo card at all, and a) seeing how poorly this one wzas handled, and b) it wasn’t even the big one!! – have left me feeling far more vulnerable than before and unsupported by the govt. Add in Roe and Jan 6 and no, the carefree pre-2019 years are gone. My kids will feel the reverberations from this their entire lives, I think.

      1. Yes, great point.
        Trump’s election originally changed everything for me – the world has just had such dark energy every day since (of course, it was always there etc etc) and to imagine then it got worse with a global pandemic? Losing 50 years of a constitutional right? Daily, nearly irrevocable threats to democracy?
        Honestly the world is a worse place than it was 10 years ago and that is a hard pill to swallow. I think all our lives as middle/upper class women in the US will forever be drastically impacted.

    5. We did not lose any close family members to Covid; I am the only one who ever got it (in 2022, mild case) and we’re back to living our lives as we did pre-pandemic. If anything, we are trying to seek out more adventures and more joy, as the pandemic highlighted for us that things can change on a dime and tomorrow is not guaranteed. We lost some critical years of my child’s life to the pandemic, when we couldn’t travel or be with family for major milestones, and we’re trying to make up for that now.

      1. OP here – I think I’m in this camp. Physically:health wise – my family came out unaffected by the pandemic and I don’t know anyone personally who was significantly affect by it. I am taking joy in being back at the office and interacting with colleagues, we had a large event last night that we hadn’t done since 2023 and it was joyful to be there and see so many people I hadn’t since 2020. Some people wore masks. Some didn’t. I separate politics/SCOTUS opinions from the pandemic- I remain affected by former, but I still have a great deal of joy in my life. It just hadn’t occurred to me that others are feeling differently so it was eye opening for me.

    6. I do feel this way. You must be extremely lucky to not even understand why people can feel this way!

      We had friends die from COVID, or from poor medical care they received when hospitals were packed with COVID and they couldn’t get care.

      Our elderly family members lives have been changed forever. Some died or were left worse after COVID. Many can’t gather safely outside the home anymore, and wear masks all the time if they go out. Doctors have told them that this will not change during their lifetime.

      We have friends who’s children suffered with mental health issues or with regression or learning difficulties who floundered during COVID/home schooling. And now life is so much harder for them and their families.

      And the utter disturbing period of governmental mismanagement during Trump’s COVID disasters, with so many unnecessary deaths and suffering …… and now people wanting to quickly act as if none of it even happened….. As long as I’m ok… as long as “MY FREEDOMS” aren’t affected… who cares about you?

      It all makes me so sad and disappointed… mostly in other people. How selfish we are. How little empathy we have. How low we have gone.

      1. I am largely unaffected, but I didn’t trust the government or others to do right by others generally long before the pandemic so perhaps that’s part of why my life view/experience hasn’t changed much. In case you’re wondering, I masked, I am fully boosted, I stay home when I am sick, etc. – I do try to give an F about others, but I don’t rely on others to do the same.

      2. I know several people who were the collateral damage of the mandates, and are glad things are finally getting back to normal.
        It’s not that we’re selfish or have little empathy, it’s that we are glad we can finally start cleaning up the damage that was done. And, we’re glad we are at a point that people can choose what works best for themselves, whether that means wearing a mask and not gathering with others or getting on with it as though nothing had happened.

        1. You say you’re not selfish or lacking in empathy, and then you go on to describe how you are.

          1. Yes, I can definitely see how being glad I can clean up the damage done to my family members because of what they experienced due to the pandemic mandates makes me selfish and lacking in empathy.
            lots of us have children who suffered both mentally and academically, and lots of us have family members who had trouble accessing proper medical care. We just differ on how we are choosing to move forward.

        2. I am still working remotely, not going indoors except for our house and MD appointments and wearing an N95 or KF94 when I see friends outdoors and distanced or when we take walks at the beach/on trails. I do not mask when I exercise outdoors very early in the morning.

          @Anon at 4:21 – I am not doing this because I “can choose what works best” for me. I am doing it because not enough people can be bothered to get/stay vaccinated, wear real masks properly, use ventilation or filtration, plan events outside. In fact, what would really “work best for me” would be if, when I go to pick up medicine at the pharmacy, people would stay a good distance away, wear a mask and not cough on me. Because no one can be bothered to take those precautions, I am forced to take the precautions I take. That is not “choosing.” That is having my hand forced.

          To the broader question, yes, I feel like OP’s friend: life has not returned to 2019 or anything resembling it. I am very grateful that my family is all up to date on vaccines (I sobbed with relief) and employed/in school as appropriate. But the risk of COVID for someone who is vulnerable + the disregard exhibited by my fellow citizens + Ukraine + all the people who voted for Trump/think he won/will do I-don’t-know-what in the 2024 election is not good.

          1. You know, given some of our other conversations on this blog about second homes, fancy vacations, luxury cars, expensive clothes/shoes/bags, and high-paying jobs, a lot of the “oh no, life will never be the same post-pandemic, woe is us” stuff very much seems like overdramatic white-woman tears to me. If your health was permanently affected or you lost loved ones, I understand why you would have residual angst or grief. I can understand that even if you lost your job, or maybe your marriage came apart. However, if you have the same job, house, family members and health status right now, in 2023, that you had in 2019 (or you’re even better off than you were then, and given conversations about new jobs, new houses, etc. – some of us are!) consider that maybe you are amplifying the problem in your own mind past a point that’s reasonable. “It’s not that happy people are grateful, but that grateful people are happy.” Maybe focus more on what you DIDN’T lose in the pandemic and that will improve your worldview. It could have been way worse. And the next one might be. Or we might have a nuclear war. If that happens, I hope we won’t have a bunch of affluent upper-class women from this board sitting around chewing their gel-manicured nails, bemoaning their lost opportunities when the only thing that kept them from doing what they wanted in their lives was their own irrational fear and self-pity. Some of y’all need a spiritual wake-up call, in the worst way.

        3. Nobody should be choosing to get on with it as if nothing happened. The “every man for himself” attitude is what enabled this virus to get out of control and allows it to continue to spread and mutate so that we will never be rid of it. Why bother to invest in ventilation and air filtration when we can just tell all those weak people who deserve to die anyway because they have pre-existing conditions to wear a mask because everyone should have a choice and should be responsible only for himself?

      3. “It all makes me so sad and disappointed… mostly in other people. How selfish we are. How little empathy we have. How low we have gone.”

        Staying mired in your despair about these things is a choice, just want to point that out. In case it hadn’t affected you prior to the pandemic – people were selfish, self-centered, myopic, and politically conservative before 2020. People had chronic health problems. People died unexpectedly, or unnecessarily, sometimes because of the selfishness or carelessness of others. I lost a friend in a drunk driving accident in 1999 – he was hit by the drunk driver, going home from a party at his church, of all things – and I guess that was when I lost my innocence about the world being a just, fair or predictable place. If you made it to 2020 never having had the experience of losing someone you love for no good reason – wow, how lucky you were! I was 21 when my friend died and life was never the same for me after that. But rather than wallow in my fear and misery, I have tried to be brave, take chances, live well, and have adventures – because my friend Mike never got the chance to do those things.

        Maybe consider the advice from Shawshank Redemption about “Get busy living, or get busy dying.” Because there’s only one way out of this mortal coil and it is a one-way ticket, to destinations unknown. And I’m not ready for that yet, so I choose lovingkindness and optimism. Give it a try; you might like it.

        1. I work in health care, so I accept that my perspective is more intense than that of my peers. So much death. Yes, it changes you.

          Actually, my whole career is lovingkindness and optimism or I would be driven to the edge of sanity. I have to maintain that outlook to treat and guide and help my cancer patients.

          The selfishness of individuals when it comes to money/taxes, protecting schools for my kids and not yours, freedom to make decisions about my life even if it impedes yours……. even “I have my health insurance so why should I help pay for yours…..”…. THAT stuff I was used to, unfortunately. I saw it as a sad but genetically programmed urge to protect our families / our own, which I fear is part of the human condition. I used to think the goal of civilized society was to rise one step higher than that, but now I am less sure it is attainable here.

          But the disappoint now is the lack of care / empathy give towards people who are dying or at risk … life and death decisions … particularly when interventions could be so simple and painless. Getting a vaccination. Wearing a mask etc… That a president could know a deadly pandemic had arrived in February, and admit he was concerned, and decide to purposefully play it down for political gain and actively thwart interventions that could have saved thousands of lives. That a president and his team could literally steal PPE from hospitals, and give it to family members and political donors who had quietly founded new companies to resell these essential products at high prices…. That a president could quietly vaccinate himself and his family, and flame the fires of the anti-vax movement simultaneously ….. That a a president could himself likely have COVID and go without warning others or wearing a mask to a presidential debate, seeming to purposefully expose his rival to a potential deadly disease as well as everyone around him …. That a president could slow his response to a deadly pandemic when noting that it was initially spreading like wildfire in large cities and counties and states that were “Blue”, so perhaps killing more democrats was a GOOD thing. That a president could be flown quickly to an exclusive hospital wing as soon as his COVID symptoms worsened and he became fearful for his life, where he was given steroids and immunoglobulin and the kitchen sink that almost NO OTHER PATIENT at the time would hope for if hospitalized with COVID. And he went out and talked to the media while still in treatment, on a steroid-induced hypomanic high, and tell everyone that COVID wasn’t a big deal. Look at him!

          And when I say “president”, I also mean the supporters of that president, who went along with his actions.

          That is disturbing. These years have been very sad and disturbing. And yes – this was different and more extreme than anything I had observed in my world before.

          I never said I was in despair. I don’t think you want to play “who’s life loss was worse” as my childhood horrors are worse than I can type on this anonymous board, both parents are dead too young, and I still deal with death every day. I am incredibly resilient, thank goodness.

          So its great that you can crystalize your world down to a simple Shawshank quote. For me, my words would be very different…

          “So what are you going to do about it?”

          So your answer is looking inward to family. My answer is more outward to community, which includes my family. So I try to think about it, and act on it every day. And that is how I get through it. Not living life as if bad things haven’t happen, and by “just get busy living”. I let these experiences change me, and hopefully I grow from them. I realize that this attitude tends to only come with age, and great experience.

          It worries me when people seem to move on from things so easily, and state they haven’t been changed at all. I think, they must be so young…. or their life so sheltered… or the other extreme…. that their life is so difficult, they can barely get by as it is, so there is no time to think about anything except the next meal or the next paycheck. Because there has to be a reason, right? Or really, there is no hope for us.

          1. All the solidarity and hugs to you, 3:41, thank you for writing this, and thank you for your work in healthcare. <3

          3. There was a lot of eloquence in this but also quite a bit of self-pity. And not a small amount of self-righteousness. Neither are great looks. But hey, you’re very invested in your particular worldview and I know no one here’s going to be able to talk you out of it. So, good luck to you? I guess?

            P.s. I sure hope you aren’t one of the women on this board who didn’t support Hillary in 2016 – you know, given how horrified you are by Trump.

    7. I feel like I am living my life pretty much normally now, and every March feels less fraught. But it changed everything; no two ways about it. It reminds me of my mom talking about my Depression-era grandparents (mostly in the context of how their related habits and life choices annoyed her!), and how we’ll probably be bearing the scars of this in our own old age.

    8. I posted yesterday that the fog is finally lifting. But it was absolutely the worst few years of my life and I’ll never be the same. I’m glad your friend posted that because the collective attitude that making sourdough and snuggling was a great time is just not a universal experience.

      2. I don’t think I know anyone who thinks the quarantine phase of the pandemic (spring/summer 2020) was a “great time” but nearly everyone I know has young kids so we had the stress of trying to work fulltime with no childcare. The idea that spring 2020 was just “snuggling and sourdough” (lol, that sounds like a 2010-ish blog name) is very foreign to me, no one I know feels that way, even the people who were not at all concerned about the virus itself.

        1. I know plenty of young couples without children who feel this way. Totally understand how you struggled with children, even though I don’t have them…I live alone and struggled a lot with other things such as extreme loneliness.

      3. But it was a great experience for so many. I could stop rushing off to the office at 5:30 am and getting home at7pm. My kids were home. We could all be together. No pressure of social engagements, play dates or business travel. The hamster wheel we were all on just stopped. It was one of the best times of my life.

    9. I can’t either. I became a high-risk person during the pandemic. I also lost a close friend to it. It’s a bummer but here we are.

    10. My life looks different than 2019; I’m one of the few who still masks indoors and almost never does indoor dining. But I don’t feel mentally burdened by the pandemic. We do everything we want to do (see friends, travel, kids have activities and play dates). I’m aware that despite our precautions we’ll eventually get Covid and that’s ok. It’s not something I really worry about, masking just seems like an easy thing to do that lowers risk of getting sick so we do it.

      The pandemic had several stages for me. Absolute worst was March 2020 to January 21 when my parents got vaxxed. Then life got so much better when I no longer worried about them dying, then got better again in April when we were fully vaxxed, then better still in January 22 when our youngest child got vaxxed. 2022 was a joyful year for our family filled with bucket list international travel, reunions with long distance friends and family, lots of theater and museum trips and milestones at school and extracurriculars for our kid. I know many people here characterize those who still wear masks as anxious but I don’t feel anxious or sad at all. My mental health is as good or better than it was in 2019. The only thing that has suffered is my wallet because I now have a seize the day attitude about spending money on experiences.

      1. This is a great outlook and is where I hope to be once my whole household can be fully vaccinated!

          2. Physician recommendation to wait until on a lower dose of immune suppressants known to prevent full benefits of vaccination, so that the vaccine is more likely to do anything.

    11. No, I don’t feel this way. I do think I feel much differently about the world and how hopeful the general state of things is than I did prior to 2016.

    12. My life feels different. I feel differently about the world and I am MUCH more jaded about the state of humanity. I also lost my late twenties to the pandemic. I’m nearing 30 now and have no friends, live alone in a different city, and what social skills I did have before the pandemic feel lost now. I’m lonely but I haven’t been able to put myself out there.

      1. I am also SO jaded. Some of my family members got onto a conspiracy train and have not yet disembarked. It has been extremely disappointing.

        1. This happened in my family too. These people and relationships absolutely did change, in some cases so dramatically that I wasn’t sure if these were early symptoms of some kind of dementia. But after this much time, I think it was just some kind of bizarre maladaptive psychological coping mechanism. I’m lucky that as the pandemic “ends,” they’ve started to lose interest relatively, but it’s hard for me to see people in the same light.

      2. I’m incredibly jaded as well. People were complaining about wearing a mask pre-vaccine and staying home while nurses and doctors were in hospitals dealing with the horrible things they saw everyday. My friend was telling me about a nurse who had to quit nursing and still has severe mental health issues from going through being a nurse during covid. I think we forget about all those people who were truly traumatized. Yes being home with kids while trying to work is tough but certainly not harder than seeing people die everyday while others complain about wearing a mask. People suck.

    13. Life isn’t quite 2019 for us, but it’s close. We, and some some of our friends, ended up being some of the collateral damage caused by the mandates, and we are still in the process of cleaning it all up.

    14. oh I absolutely feel this way. I can’t gather with family at my nephew’s birthday party the same way I did in 2019, absolutely not. It’s totally different.

      (To be clear I still do it because I’m willing to make risks when it comes to family, but I get anxious about it and think about it before, during and after…a week after if no one has come up sick I can breath a sigh of relief). This feels pretty normal and expected to me as we’ve been ravaged by a new virus?

    15. My life is radically different and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. I lost my job (company was events management). I took another out of necessity that I’m still trying to get out from, but it’s remote and it’s hard to find comparable. My husband and I are immune compromised so we don’t eat out and still wear masks everywhere. I developed cancer right before (!) Omicron and had my surgery delayed by two months due to hospital overcrowding. A subsequent outpatient procedure following Omicron was delayed 5 months. I live in a suburb of a major city with a ton of hospitals (so not a medically underserved rural area or anything like that). I never thought I would need medical care and not be able to get it. The experience was incredibly traumatic. I don’t think most people realize how off the rails our hospitals were and it was maddening seeing so little attention to it.

      1. The utter collapse of the US health care system is so under reported. I’m nervous about driving, since I’m not sure what would happen if I were to be in an accident. I have a lot of friends and family in health care and they are burnt out and deeply morally damaged to a degree that is truly astounding and definitely under reported.

        1. I feel that this is the crisis that most urgently needs to be addressed at this point. I really thought it would be a higher priority.

          1. NYT has an article about this today called “Doctors Aren’t Burned Out From Overwork. We’re Demoralized by Our Health System.” Not including link to avoid moderation.

    16. I can remember people having a similar feeling after 9/11 – that their worldview had been fundamentally changed. And my mother tells me it was the same after the Kennedy assassination. I think there are things that cause some people to look at the world in an entirely different way and it takes people different amounts of time to internalize that.

      In my case, the pandemic was pretty awful. I lost a family member, had people hospitalized, my grandmother lived but is still seriously impacted, etc. Despite that, it did not fundamentally change my view of the world the way a lot of commenters have reported – but then I studied history in college and I remember AIDS. My faith in government response and in humanity did not take a hit. People responded to this pandemic they way they have responded to pandemics throughout human history – right down to finding a group of “outsiders” to blame and their eagerness to forget and move on.

      1. “but then I studied history in college and I remember AIDS. My faith in government response and in humanity did not take a hit. People responded to this pandemic they way they have responded to pandemics throughout human history – right down to finding a group of “outsiders” to blame and their eagerness to forget and move on.”

        Being a history buff has its perks, and this is one of them – being able to contextualize current events in the landscape of similar things that have happened in the course of human history. I feel for people who had a rosy, sunny view of humanity right up until March of 2020. I picked up a book titled Treblinka in 1991 in my high school library – it was about the concentration camp, in WWII – and that was the end of my naivete about the atrocities humans can perpetuate on other humans. At the same time, there are tremendous stories of hope and perseverance that came out of things like the Holocaust (same with any large-scale horrible event) and that to me shows that while humans are imperfect, we are still capable of amazing love, and compassion can still triumph.

        1. What the pandemic taught me is that we didn’t learn the lessons I thought we had learned from all those previous tragedies and atrocities. We are a horrible, compassionless species that will never learn and will destroy itself within the near future.

          1. “I’m genuinely sorry you feel that way and think you should seek mental health assistance; I think you need it if you are truly experiencing this much despair and hopelessness. That is not normal and you don’t have to live with those thoughts in your head all the time.”

            I’m genuinely sorry you feel that way and think you should seek mental health assistance; I think you need it if you are truly experiencing this much despair and hopelessness. That is not normal and you don’t have to live with those thoughts in your head all the time.

        2. I don’t think my view on human nature changed; it’s more that I worry about what’s still in store for us if history repeats itself.

    17. I definitely feel that way. I work in hospital administration and had tiny children. We had no real childcare for almost six months and then very minimal for another year, while working intensely. For family health reasons we needed to remain relatively isolated basically till this summer (family member undergoing cancer treatment). Our religious community shut down for 2+ years, we had no way to create a social life as we were still relatively new in town and had just come out of having a tiny baby, etc. We are still reeling, honestly, and trying to deal with impacts on our children. I have so much less trust in the government and in other people – basically my trust that other people will look out for each other is basically zero at this point.

    18. Short version: yes, I feel this way. Almost every friendship atrophied away into a memory. My city died and it looks like it won’t come back (40% office occupancy!). And more than half of my female friends dropped out of the workforce due to unpredictable childcare, which may have contributed to us not being able to keep the dialogue going. What joy I find doesn’t come from other people anymore and I’m not sure I would notice if another deadly virus came through.

    19. I can’t. I watch movies now and look at scenes of crowds and think at how many germs are in there.

      I saw some bad stuff from the pandemic… lots of secondary trauma from healthcare workers. Professionally, I will always be ready for the next pandemic.

      I also thought it was an overreaction. I don’t know that I’ll ever think that again.

      On a practical standpoint, it changed how I store groceries. I now keep a pantry (actively rotated) of shelf stable foods ‘just in case’. That plus political stuff plus the current formula shortage… it altered my brain chemistry.

    20. I think you are in the minority. Even if you didn’t lose a loved one or suffer from long COVID, the pandemic revealed and exacerbated pre-existing faults in our economy and society. Instead of taking the opportunity to fix them, we’ve doubled down and made them even worse. Anyone who thinks everything is fine is willfully ignorant and also probably doesn’t have children who will be suffering the consequences of a year or more of house arrest during their formative years plus a permanently gutted educational system for the rest of their lives. On the flip side, if you actually learned anything from the pandemic your life may be better in some ways. I am no longer constantly sick because now I can wear a mask in high-risk situations, and I have taken stock of relationships and commitments and made an effort to invest in what really matters in my life.

    21. Definitely can’t live the way I did before 2020.

      I’m high risk and my specialist says I must avoid Covid at all costs.

      I’ve missed family events like weddings and Christmases; I can’t attend concerts or crowded exhibitions; I can’t eat indoors at a restaurant or have friends over indoors. I’m unlikely to ever get on a plane to travel again.

      It impacts my husband who has to wear a mask all day every day at work to protect me.

      My husband’s work colleague was really sick and was intubated for almost a month. She can barely look after her two year now and works just one day a week.

      My friend from high school caught covid more than six months ago and lost the ability to walk/move properly, she is in rehab hospital and may never be able to live independently.

      1. I’m really surprised that not more people have mentioned long covid and the impact it’s having on people. I don’t know anyone who has lost their life to covid, but I know dozens of people who have either physical (cardiac) or neurological issues due to having had covid. With the exception of one person, who currently appears fine, I don’t know anyone who has had covid and fully recovered.

        I’m also high risk, and must avoid catching it at all costs. I feel as though society has basically written us off. Everytime someone asks “were they high risk?” or “did they have comorbidities?” they are basically saying … “well then, they deserve to die.”

        1. I’m not denying the existence of long Covid, which is real and important, but it’s very misleading to suggest almost everyone gets it.

          As anecdata the other way everyone I know has had Covid at least once and while the acute illness ranged from a mild cold (my husband) to a flu-like illness (my BFF) to hospitalization (my boss), I don’t know anyone who has long Covid.

          1. My understanding is that there are kinds of damage to the body that can show up in a huge percentage of people who get COVID, but it’s asymptomatic. For example, the increased cardiovascular risk as I understand it affects nearly every single person who has had COVID, but it doesn’t have symptoms.

            There are real stats on how many people get a post-COVID syndrome, but I’ve noticed that anecdata seems to cluster. I seem to know more people who have had post-COVID complications than the statistics would suggest, but other people don’t know a single person who is still sick.

            The stats show that most people don’t get it, but it’s also not at all rare.

          2. Agree with 11:00. I’ve been following a lot of the early research about cardiovascular events in people who have had COVID several times and I think I’d rather continue to avoid it! I don’t need to go to a crowded indoor space that badly.

    22. We lost all the over 70s in our family, well before we would have without Covid. With multiple additional high risk family members in our extended family, the notion that the pandemic is over is absurd. I don’t know what kind of bubble you have been living in, but consider yourself in a fortunate minority.

    23. I am a bit surprised to say I do feel.a but this way. On the one hand, I had a pretty easy pandemic. But I caught COVID twice this year and it took me out for weeks each time. I also caught RSV this winter and it really shut me down for more than a month. So I had to cancel plans with my BF this weekend when he confirmed he is sick with a respiratory illness. In the past, he would have appeared on my doorstep sick and I would have thought nothing of it other than to give him some extra care and maybe decided to stay in if he was not feeling up to going out.

    24. I can’t either, I had a very easy pandemic until I caught COVID in 2022 (lived in a country that didn’t lock down or had thousands dying every day and where everyone masked up with N95s, got vaccinated in June 2021 without any long-term issues). Then Long COVID took me out with debilitating fatigue and pain and completely messed up my upcoming job, marriage, and kid plans — and I’m in my late 30s. Not even sure where I go from here, as I continue to be out of commission.

    25. I don’t either and agree with you. I think this board trends toward a certain personality type that’s less optimistic and overall anxious. Most people I know are past it and back to life as normal, and that’s a wonderful thing.

        1. Just because some of us are making different choices than you based on different life circumstances than yours doesn’t mean we have our head in the sand…

      2. Reading through this thread, I see people expressing grief and suffering and concern, but you just see anxiety and pessimism?

  11. My post was eaten so trying again…for those of you who have been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult (or ADD, I’m not sure I understand the difference in how the symptoms present in adult women), did you go through formal testing? If so, did that include interviews with your friends and family? I see a psychiatrist and I just got in with a therapist with the same provider. They offer ADHD testing, which I am interested in, but it says “ Interviews with family, friends, and/or co-workers close to the client will also be conducted.” I’m very, very uncomfortable with this and won’t consent to it. Does that mean they won’t do the testing?

      1. JFC $3,000?! 4-6 hours?! You do not need that to get help for ADHD. Go somewhere else.

        1. OMG…I’m the OP and I didn’t even see that the testing costs $3,000. What in the world? Feeling a lot less optimistic about my new therapy appointment on Tuesday now…maybe I should back out of this whole practice.

          1. this sounds like a racket, sorry

            When my daughter was diagnosed in HS, her behavioral pediatrician specialist asked for completed questionnaires from three of her teachers, but nothing as invasive and expensive as you describe.

          2. I think you can find a better practice to help you get what you need. It really is life changing to get treatment for ADD. Wishing you the best!

        2. That seems about right for full testing including testing for learning differences and processing disorders that can be mistaken for ADHD.

    2. My wife got diagnosed at 35 and the process didn’t include interviewing anyone. I’d definitely ask for clarification.

    3. I was diagnosed as an adult, no format test, definitely no interviews. I also got medication without having to do those things.

      1. Same here. My son’s diagnosis process (at around age 10) was more extensive but mine was just a detailed discussion with the physician.

    4. You’re going to have to ask them that. When I was diagnosed it wasn’t based off interviews with family and friends. That seems like a decision that practice has made, but are you sure it’s mandatory? You’re not going to be able to get medication without a formal diagnosis, and that’s going to require at least answering a whole series of questions from a checklist.

    5. My husband is doing this now and they asked if would do a questionnaire and interview. I was told it is helpful but not necessary. He isn’t paying but my kids’ pyschological educational assessment was over $3000 and my husband has done hours and hours and hours of testing, interviews and meetings. I think that price is normal where we are.

  12. I’m late to comment on the age-gap marriage thread and just wanted to add my thought about the caregiving concern specifically.
    I knew a family in which the married couple are the same age. I can’t remember if they were early or mid 30s when it happened, but the husband was seriously injured at work and the wife became his primary caregiver.
    My point is there are no guarantees in life, and anything can happen to anyone at any age.

    1. So I was thinking this morning, after that discussion, about Bruce Willis getting frontotemporal dementia in his mid-60s and how his wife Emma Heming – who is younger than me – now has to deal with having fairly young children and an infirm spouse who may live for quite awhile with his mind incapacitated, but his body still working. I am sure when they got married, the 22-year age gap didn’t seem like it would be a big deal because he was very healthy and vigorous and fit, and all that. Now he cannot work, he hopefully put away enough money doing all those B-movies to support her and the kids, but she’s going to be married to an incapacitated older man for who-knows-how long and I am sure that wasn’t in her life plan. And likely if she had married a man her own age – she wouldn’t be in this situation.

        1. I think he just said he has aphasia. Some outlets speculated about dementia amid rumors of “cognitive issues” on recent sets, but I don’t believe the family ever confirmed anything more specific than aphasia. But they didn’t say there’s “no underlying cause” they just weren’t specific about the cause.

          1. There are several progressive dementia syndromes that have aphasia as a symptoms. Sometimes you don’t know for sure until after death, and a brain biopsy is done.

    2. No one disagrees with this and no one is oblivious to this possibility. But it’s still important to keep in mind what being married to a man 15+ years older than you will most likely look like in your 60s.

    3. Many people said that on the thread. You can acknowledge that anyone of any age can get terminally ill and die while also acknowledging that it’s far more likely to find an 80 year old in a nursing home than a 65 year old.

    4. I think the statistics based and risk adverse approach to life is why so many people also post about being lonely, not having friends, and having a lot of anxiety. If you’re constantly worried about what could happen, you’ll never find out and you’ll miss out on what could also be great.

      1. I get what you’re saying to a point, but to me this isn’t something like drinking or eating red meat where it raises your risk of cancer a tiny bit. Choosing a partner who’s almost 20 years older is going to significantly impact your life, even if it’s not specifically related to “caregiving.” In mid-life age gaps don’t matter much…35 and 52 isn’t that different, especially if the 52 year old is fit. But at the beginning and end of life, even smaller age gaps tend to become much more significant as the older partner retires and enters a very different life stage than the younger partner.

        Fwiw, I’m one of the people on the morning thread who said that kind of age difference would be a dealbreaker for me, and I’m not lonely at all. I’m happily married with kids, have a small but loyal friend circle and don’t have anxiety. I definitely don’t go through life analyzing the statistical risk of every decision, but I just can’t imagine wanting to be with an 80 year old when I’m early 60s. That just sounds so unappealing for a variety of reasons.

      2. Let me just turn my anxiety switch off and get out there! I hadn’t thought of that! Thanks!!

    5. I am the OP from this morning but didn’t get back to the post for several hours – did not expect it to get so many replies! Thank you all for the thoughts. In case it influences any thoughts, my SO and I are both from large families (4+ siblings), caregiving for parents is unlikely to fall on us due to both distance and other siblings (but not impossible! I hear you all), our parents are actually the same age (70s) as his parents had kids “early” and mine had kids “late,” and although we are both financially comfortable, neither of us has enough to support both of us forever let alone 20 years of private care or retiring in the next decade – he has single digit millions in assets and I am nearing my first million.

      1. You will be fine. Marry him if you love him too. The comments, in my view, only apply if you’re making that first swipe right or left decision, not once you’re in love with each other.

      2. Well, if I were you, I would have a serious talk about how you guys see your future – workwise/retirement wise. When does he want to retire and what does he see his life like then? Will you be responsibility for working to maintain health insurance and standard of living? When will you retire, and how can your financial future be secured if you leave the workforce early? Pre-nup?

        And perhaps have a talk with your siblings about your caregiving responsibilities for your parents, which is great to do while everyone is still healthy. I hope you aren’t planning to let another sibling take over all of that hard responsibility with no input yourself. And if so, make sure you realize that you will need to make financial contributions instead if you are putting all the heavy lifting on your local siblings.

  13. My BF is traveling for a few weeks and while I miss him, I have also realized how much of my “eek, I can’t get control of my life” feelings are due to overcommitting in the relationship. We hang out four times a week or so, and I am usually the one to go to him. He has a one-bedroom and I with roommates, so that is part of it, but this pattern was consistent even when he had a roommate too. I think part of it is he is just better at honoring his own comfort than I am. Like, I care about other people’s comfort more than my own, so I will go to him to avoid having him have to come to me, but then when I look up I feel like I haven’t had time to grocery shop or do laundry or develop routines in weeks.

    Since he’s been gone, it’s been so much easier it develop little routines like cooking at home and eating better or meditating daily. I want to keep this sense of grounding, but I’m worried that once he comes back I’ll fall back into the pattern of always going to his house and him not coming to mine, and feeling like I can’t get a handle in life. It’s a weird mix of not trusting myself to honor my own needs, and also not really knowing how to see him enough without it requiring some sacrifice of down time. Does anyone have advice?

    1. Do you think you could just say that you feel an imbalance from almost always going to him, and ask him to start coming to you half the time? If he isn’t open to that, then you may be inappropriately blaming yourself for a lop-sided dynamic that he has set up on purpose.

      1. Yeah, this isn’t going to get better by itself. You are going to have to have a conversation with him about it: “Boyfriend, the weirdest thing — I missed you like crazy while you were gone but in a crazy way things were easier for me because __________________.” If he is a good guy, he will want to help you make the appropriate changes. Also, have the changes in mind (him coming to you half the time sounds easy and simple, but maybe you can think of others) that you want to suggest.

      2. You could even go further and draft him into team You. “I’ve realized that while I’ve missed you like crazy, life chores are way less stressful when I’m not at your place most of my days. I think my impulse is to put my needs last, so can you help me get more balance?”

    2. I think you need to prioritize yourself better. Like, I’ll come over to your house after I do my laundry, etc. And make him come to your house too.
      FWIW, I felt this way in my last relationship and always felt like I was underwater and couldn’t juggle all the things.

    3. “I think part of it is he is just better at honoring his own comfort than I am.”
      yes this is called patriarchy. I think naming it helps solve it.

    4. I don’t think this is uncommon. When my H and I were dating, we’d spend all weekend together at his bigger place in the country, but he had a hard stop at noon on Sundays so he could do laundry and grocery shop. To meet my need for more time with him, he started spending Wednesday nights at my close-in condo 10 mins from his work. He was just really good at carving out (enforcing) that time for himself. I had attachment issues, and it freaked me out (there was a particularly memorable meltdown over installing bamboo blinds on a Sunday afternoon that we both remember), but it actually ended up working well for both of us to allow us to both get our stuff done on Sunday afternoons.

    5. My BF and I went through a similar thing last year. What worked for us was talking about it directly and changing how we made plans. I became more assertive about my own time and needs, and he learned to ask better questions around planning. He also turned out to be pretty willing to try the kinds of grounding things that are important to me – yoga, cooking at home – once I asked. One result is that we actually see each other a little less frequently than we initially did. This was hard – I feel like we tend to measure relationship “progress” by how much time you spend together, and expect that a couple should spend more and more time together seamlessly. This may work out sometimes, but depending on circumstances it just may not be true. We’ve chosen to see our relationship growth through the lens of how we’re learning to solve problems together and understand and support each other more deeply, and that has been really satisfying.

  14. What have been your favorite Oscar contender movies?

    We’ve watched Banshees of Inisherin, The Fablemans, Everything Everywhere All At Once, and Elvis.

    I will not be watching All Quiet on the Western Front due to my gore-intolerance, though my husband may watch it. I would like to see many of the best actress/ actor films as well.

    What should I watch next? We have everything streaming except Netflix. (eff Netflix)

    1. My favorites so far were Tar and Top Gun, which are extremely different, but I very much enjoyed both! I also liked Banshees, Everything Everywhere All At Once, and the Guillermo del Toro Pinocchio (that’s on Netflix, though). All Quiet on the Western Front was pretty good (esp. the score), but it was missing some of what made it such a good anti war book that I think it failed a little as an adaptation. I think I would have liked it better if it was just its own movie, not an adaptation. Speaking of adaptations, I really liked the book of Women Talking and am a big Sarah Polley fan, so I’m looking forward to that, but haven’t seen it yet. For the documentaries, I liked Fire of Love and Navalny, haven’t seen the rest yet.

        1. tar and women talking are next on my list. I sat thought Top Gun for my husband (not my favorite) – it’s my turn now!

    2. I’ve only seen Tar and I thought it grim and dark, but I enjoyed it. Of course i work in the arts, so it has a special appeal to me.
      Also, I thought Seeing Red (Best Animated Film) was lovely.

      1. I didn’t realize Turning Red was as recent as 2022! My family LOVED that movie.

        I plan to see Pinocchio somehow – maybe with a friend’s sign-in (suck it, nflix) – to see the competition. I have a friend who thinks Puss in Boots was the best one, so I’ll probably try to see that too.

    3. I want to see “Living” with Bill Nighy – British. It is the kind of quiet movie that I love. It has excellent reviews.

    4. I think the only one I’ve seen so far is Top Gun but I LOVED it. I know Tom Cruise is a creep and I had mixed feelings about giving him my $$, but that was just such a delightful movie. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.

    5. I hated Everything Everywhere…! I felt nauseous for a full day after due to the visuals, I felt the story was fine but not that original, effects were creative but not mind blowing, acting was great but within the plot.

      1. I thought I would love it, because I love Michelle Yeoh as an actor and also love the premise. I did not love it. I don’t know that I hated it, but I had to force myself to watch to the end.

        1. Same. Apparently my husband loved it, so I think it must just be one of those things that is not everyone’s cup of tea. I’m delighted if it made Michelle Yeoh happy in any way though!

        2. I could both appreciate the movie and not enjoy it, simultaneously. I have never been a regular watcher of sci-fi nor martial arts movies. I guess there were some familiar tropes in there but turned on their ear which was darkly funny to those familiar, but that wasn’t me.

          I did love the mother daughter story though, just like I loved it in Turning Red.

          1. (And I should add – I appreciated Michelle Yeoh’s excellent acting nonetheless and understand the Golden Globe award/Oscar nod)

          2. Same. I appreciated it and wanted to love it, but alas did not even though I am generally a lover of this genre. Possibly because my husband was sitting beside me actively hating every minute of it!

    7. Am I the only one who has never heard of most Oscar picks year after year? Of this year’s list, I had only ever heard of Elvis and Top Gun. Did the others not have mainstream ads/commercials?

      1. I never hear about most of them before they start talking about them during awards season. Then I try to watch as many as I can.

    8. I really, really enjoyed Tar and will probably watch All Quiet on the Western Front. While it makes me feel like more of a bad feminist than usual, I really disliked Women Talking. Amazing premise but I didn’t like the way it was executed.

  15. Probably too late in the day to post, but I figure I’ll try.

    A friend entered into a contract with a builder last year. Builder has since breached contract several ways (e.g., building 3 feet closer to a retaining wall and effectively eliminating an agreed-upon lawn). Builder is large enough that they might have assets for a settlement. Friend is seeking advice on:

    (1) Is this something he can sue over?
    (2) What type of law is it?
    (3) Any recommendations for support in San Diego County?

    Thanks!

    1. Note: It’s okay and helpful to say “maybe, maybe not” for #1. He’s just trying to suss out if the answer is “cut your losses now, hon, it’s not worth it” or “it’s worth paying for an hour consultation to see.”

      1. My .02, has she talked to the builder first? How much is the contract for? Can it be fixed? How much? Litigation is a financial decision. There’s generally a way to cast a claim but it’s often not worth it for small potatoes stuff.

    2. I’ve had a builder screw up. Is it fixable? The builder has insurance. I would talk to the builder first to see what could be done.

    3. I am not a real estate lawyer, but from where I sit, in most cases, just suing can ONLY get you a money judgment; it won’t force the builder to fix his mess. And who says he will have the money to pay, and if he does have the money, it is not easy to get it out of him. And do you want this guy to do more work, if it’s going to be shoddy or sloppy? I think you should see if you can get him to fix the mess he made, even if it means moving the wall, which is not easy. It might be easier to get the neighbor to agree the wall can stay, but you have to maintain it for him. I really prefer WC law, because it is pretty straightforward; If a guy is injured, he gets paid. If he is not and is faking and we prove it, he gets nothing and I get a bonus. I don’t mind losing some cases where the guy got hurt, but when we can smell out a phony, that is a great win if we prove it to the court, and the feeling I get when I hear the words “case dismissed with costs to be paid by the claimant” is so much more satisfying than any man can provide to me in bed! I am not kidding! I would take those words over anything a winkie can provide (which is not much at all). Good luck to your friend, as the laws in California can differ.

    4. 1) maybe
      2) construction litigation
      3) n/a sorry as I’m on the opposite coast and handle only large commercial projects! Realtor might know.

      In my state there are extremely fast deadlines and specific notice periods involved in construction law. Builders and contractors and architects have different obligations and there are also liens, insurance companies, and suppliers involved. In my state the answer to #1 would depend on when construction on the wall began, not when it ended. Good luck!

  16. Settle a debate for me. My spouse and I purchased a cheap “mattress in a box” mattress, and one of the springs collapsed towards the middle of the mattress. It was giving both of us back pain, so we made a warranty claim. The mattress company honored the warranty and sent a new mattress right away. However, the new mattress remains in its box, because my spouse wants me to find someone in need who wants it (to give it away, not to sell it). A cheap, used, defective mattress that literally hurt both of us. He says I’m “really good at that stuff”, and he doesn’t have time to do it, and that I’m being elitist and wasteful for wanting to throw it away.

    2. He has two choices:

      You can call 1-800-got junk and get rid of it today

      Or he can find it a new home within 4 days or you go through with the got junk call

      This “but you’re so good at it” is weaponized incompetence. (Look it up.) Do not let this go on for one more minute or you will become the person who is also so much better at laundry, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, childcare, etc. DO NOT go down this slippery slope with your man baby.

        1. And also if it’s not good enough for you two, it’s not good enough for somebody of lesser means.

    3. Ugh.
      What’s elitist is thinking ‘someone in need’ is deserving of a cheap defective mattress that wasn’t good enough for him.
      Throw it out and be done with it.

    4. I don’t even think it’s legal where I live to sell a used mattress. If he wants to curb alert it, he can do it himself.

    5. You can post it on Freecycle (search online, sign up for the group in your area) and someone will come and take it off your hands within the week, I bet. I give stuff away here all the time. I would give the age of the mattress in your post, include a photo, and state exactly why you are giving it away. Someone may still take it to put in a basement just in case/give to kids to play on/use for animals/put in a guest room (!)/who knows….

      But I am worried about you and your husband….. his behavior is inappropriate. First, if he is insisting on this, why does he expect YOU to do it?!?!? And he is forcing you to keep sleeping on the defective mattress until YOU do this? And I am all for not adding to the landfill, but you really should not even GIVE people defective stuff unless it is still useful for parts or can be fixed and the person taking the item knows this.

      If your husband is going to be like this with every item you purchase/stop using, I hope you live in a very large house with a very large basement or storage unit. Because it may drive you insane and hurt your marriage. My father was like your husband, but even he wouldn’t try to save or give away a defective mattress. But I did find a drawer filled with 10 broken Walkmen…..

      1. And I would give YOUR HUSBAND the instructions about how to post the item on Freecycle and have him deal with the people who send emails asking questions and set up the hand-off. He can follow instructions, yes?

    7. Tell him to post a (full disclosure) curb alert on Craigslist. In the meantime order a mattress bag since most trash services won’t touch one that isn’t wrapped.

    8. Update, for those following along, lol. I should have added, our trash service will take 1 large bulk item per week for free, and specifically states a mattress and boxspring = a bulk object. Hopefully that applies to king-sized mattresses. I explained to him for the 100th time that it is not eligible to be donated anywhere, and no one is picking it up from our bedroom for him for free. This is junk that you have to pay people to remove. Or, you can call your brother and move spend 20 minutes getting it to the curb. Probably less. So, thank you all for the salient points. They landed.

      1. Also, this is part of the reason this type of mattress is so cheap! You have to do the manual labor yourself!

        1. That’s the primary reason I still buy mattresses from a mattress store – because they deliver and set up the new mattress/bed, and they take the old one away. Worth it.

          1. You can do that with mattress in a box, too, by paying a bit for white glove service. It is well worth it.

      3. Kind of sad that it took your telling him 100 times and then this thread for the points to land, though.

Comments are closed.