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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Annnon
Hello Hive I need some advice. I have always had a difficult time making friends and always considered myself a home body. My SO is the same. I have recently reconnected with a group of friends from law school and have been trying to see these friends about once or twice a week. It may be a dinner or drinks after work so I get home at like 10pm or so. My SO always tells me to go and have fun, but since we graduated from college about 5 years ago, he does not have many friends in our area and he’s often left at home alone while I’m out. I feel guilty about being out even though I know I shouldn’t. How do I get over this guilt?
Anon
Your having these friendships will make you a happier, healthier, and more emotionally resilient person and thus a better partner.
My DH is very reserved and generally avoids social situations. When I go out with friends I tell him about what happened, what’s going on with who, who said what and what the reaction was. He likes participating in that vicarious way.
If your SO wants friendships, your going out is in no way preventing him from pursuing them. Your going out regularly also sets the tone for your relationship that you have separate friendships and pursue your own interests, and that may give him “permission” to do the same, if he needs that.
Good luck!
Cb
My husband is much more of a homebody than me and works more ‘normal’ hours. One thing that has helped is encouraging him to get involved in a structured hobby. My husband has choir on Mondays and honestly, I think that’s all the non-family socializing he needs. I’d take a Laura Vanderkam approach to this – 1 night out of 7 is pretty insignificant.
CountC
Remind yourself that as a homebody, he is happy to stay at home while you enjoy yourself with your friends! He’s probably doing something that he may feel guilty about doing while you are also home (e.g., video games, reading, whatever). It’s a great sign that he is telling you to go enjoy yourself – remind yourself of that when you feel guilty and also remind yourself that you have no reason not to take him at his word and trust that he means what he says!
cat socks
Agree! I’m the homebody in the relationship and I love having the house to myself while my husband goes out to see friends.
Angela
+1!!!! Get to watch my own TV program or better yet savor the sounds of SILENCE. Haha. At some point, you have to trust that your partner is an independent adult who can speak up if they have a problem, and in this case it sounds like your partner has affirmatively spoken up that he DOESN’T have a problem. So you’re all good.
Anonymous
+2. I am an introvert but somehow participate in more outside activities than my husband does. I desperately wish he would pick some of his hobbies back up so I could have some alone time at home.
Ellen
I am a bit of a home body myself; as I perfer to watch TV and eat when I get home, rather then go out since I have to be on my game all day with all of my WC cleints and sometimes that is not something I can avoid. If I could just find a cute guy who also likes to watch TV with me and eat, I would be in heaven. But most will start watching TV with me but soon put their hand on my leg, and then sees if I am interested in more, which I am not, so I just have stopped bringing men home to watch TV.
anon
You’re married, not joined at the hip. Seriously, it is more than OK to take a night off to hang out with friends. It sounds like your DH is fine with it, so don’t give it a second thought. Numerous studies have shown the importance of having a robust network, for your mental and emotional wellbeing. It’s not healthy for your spouse to be your everything. (And who knows — if he’s a homebody, he’s probably pretty content being home alone for a few hours!)
Anon
She wasn’t asking for permission to go. That part is not the issue. OP, maybe you can try bringing your husband one time to see if he hits it off with anyone in the group, but otherwise it’s on him to get out there more and make friends. I know it’s really hard and we are in a similar position in my house since we moved.
anon
Huh? She didn’t ask how to help her husband make friends. Her post literally says, “I feel guilty about being out even though I know I shouldn’t. How do I get over this guilt?”
Anon
It’s guilty about leaving her husband at home when he doesn’t get to come socialize, not guilty about going at all, at least how I read it.
anon8
If you’re feeling guilty about leaving SO at home, see if he wants to go out to dinner or drinks with you sometimes. I like going out right after work and then coming home and being able to chill.
By you – I mean just the two of you. Or if you think it would be okay, see if he wants to join you and your friends.
TheElms
Is your SO a lawyer? Assuming not, do any of your friends have SOs that are also not lawyers? My SO is a lawyer but among my law school friends many SOs aren’t lawyers so we have on occasion done a bigger thing (lunch and an activity) and invited the non-lawyers to the activity and just had the lunch be us from law school or vice versa. It was a good way of getting some time with just the lawyers who sometimes talk a lot about law that the other people find boring, but not taking people away from their SO for more than half a weekend day. Would your SO / group of friends from law school have any interest in that?
Anonymous
Some of your friends must have SOs? Maybe have a few events that lend themselves to bringing dates? Your SO might meet other SOs in the group that he gets along with. I know a bunch of people who are very good friends with their SO’s friend’s SO – they go out together without their SOs all the time.
Senior Attorney
As others have said, realize that being alone in the house for an evening is a treat for many people! I always tell my husband I live for his Tuesday night cycling-and-pizza-with-the-lads outings! Also, give him credit for being an adult human being who wouldn’t lie to your face about not minding your going out.
Berlin travel tips, bitte!
My husband, 16 y.o. daughter and I are planning a spring break trip to Berlin, spending 4-5 days. We love art, healthy food, and thrift stores. My DH and daughter are avid photographers. DH and I like history.
Any suggestions for where to stay and what to do?
Thank you!
Anon
Cup of Jo had a good trip guide a few days ago. I liked staying in Prenzlauer Berg when I was there and would recommend the Mauer Park for strolling and photography. I also loved the Berlin Philharmonic, the Stasi Museum, the Pergamon Museum, and the Tierpark.
Ribena
I really liked the walking tour I took through Sandeman’s – I’m always an advocate of walking tours and Berlin is of the right scale for them. At 16 your daughter will be able to drink beer and wine so maybe have a chat ahead of time about whether you’ll let her.
Hj
+1 for walking tours in Berlin. One of my best trip memories. A lot of landmarks are within walking distance. We picked one that was free (you just tip the guide). Highly recommend. Also went to Sachsenhausen memorial and museum (previously concentration camp and also later used a work camp by Soviet Union) and I would recommend that as well.
The original Scarlett
For the photographers, I quite enjoyed the Helmut Newton museum here. He’s controversial so may not be your bag, so look into it ahead of time, but the photography is exceptional. I stayed at the Ritz at Pottsdammer (sp?) Platz and found it pretty central. Cup of Jonalso just published a Berlin guide, fyi.
Angela
Just had to comment and say this sounds absolutely amazing. I haven’t been to Berlin but hope you guys have an absolutely amazing time!
Not sure if Rick Steves has a Berlin guide, but if he does, I’d highly recommend checking it out. His walking tours of other European cities that I’ve done are really great and give you an on-the-ground non-touristy feel for places.
OP
Just had to say that Rick Steves’ son, Andy, followed in his father’s footsteps and does a guidebook and tours aimed at the backpacker set. We’ve looked at his guidebook, which covers Berlin as well as other “happening” cities. :)
Thank you SO much!
Junior Associate
I had four days there solo, and had a fantastic time at an introductory “free” walking tour all around the city on the first full day — it was a great way to learn a little of the history and get my bearings around the city. I enjoyed Museum Island, Reichstag Building, and East Side Gallery. The Holocaust Memorial is a must, and the Jewish Museum Berlin was an architectural wonder in addition to a moving lesson on Jewish history in Germany (not just the Holocaust). Kreuzberg was a really fun district to walk around during the day, hopping around the hipster cafes, restaurants, artsy galleries and vintage shops. I had the BEST spicy chocolate ice cream of my life at Lauter Eis. Berlin was a great city to just hop on and off a city bike from place to place, too. Hope you enjoy!
Junior Associate
I had four days there solo, and had a fantastic time at an introductory “free” walking tour all around the city on the first full day — it was a great way to learn a little of the history and get my bearings around the city. I enjoyed Museum Island, Reichstag Building, and East Side Gallery. The Holocaust Memorial is a must, and the Jewish Museum Berlin was an architectural wonder in addition to a moving lesson on Jewish history in Germany (not just the Holocaust). Kreuzberg was a really fun district to walk around during the day, hopping around the hipster cafes, restaurants, artsy galleries and vintage shops. I had the BEST spicy chocolate ice cream of my life at Lauter Eis. Berlin was a great city to just hop on and off a city bike from place to place, too. Hope you enjoy!
NOLA
If you’re an art lover, there is going to be a Raphael exhibit in Berlin starting in April. Not sure what your dates are, but I would want to do that!
EuroMover
I live in Berlin :)
Since you are here for only 4 days, I’d pick someplace central- Mitte or adjacent. The area near Rosenthaler platz is a perfect mix of central and somewhat local. (plus tonnes of restaurants and bars nearby)
The Pergamon museum is nice and has a really nice islamic art section. If you are here on a Monday, Palais Polulaire, which is Deutsche Bank’s art gallery has free admission. Their exhibitions can be interesting or less so, depending on the season.
For flea markets, try the one near Bode Museum. It is less popular than the one at Mauerpark but also less expensive and typically has nice old brass decor. The one near Tiergarten has lovely old brooches.
For food- Night Kitchen is a lovely place for indulgent feeling healthy-ish food. Definitely get the “Dinner with friends” option.
For photo opportunities and general quaint-prettiness, head west towards the Charlottenburg or even all the way to Potsdam. If you can, walk through Tiergarten, it is super fun having a park in the middle of the city
anon
To get an idea of where some big sights are, you can use the 100 or 200 bus lines of the public transport network. Google maps is ok, but the Öffi app is better at suggesting public transport routes and telling you when the next bus or train comes. A lot of the bigger train stations have free wifi now.
My favorites are the open air exhibit of the former Berlin wall, starting from subway stop Bernauer Strasse, the church ruin hidden in the city center at subway stop Klosterstrasse (great for pics, almost 800 years old next to modern buildings), the memorial of the book burnings, guided tours with the Unterwelten tour group (they do tours on anything underground – former bunkers, secrets about the subway tunnels, stories of people trying to escape to West Berlin). The Gropius Bau is an acclaimed museum that puts on very very good exhibitions without a fixed theme, sometimes art, or history, or science, but always very well designed. For beautiful old architecture, the area around Gendarmenmarkt has lots of fancy buildings from the times of the monarchy. If you get out at subway stop Frankfurter Tor, you can see the pride and joy of East German city planners. That set of buildings was the height of modernity in the 50ies, meant to demonstrate how good life was in a socialist utopia.
Anon
American in Berlin here – recommend staying at Rosenthaler Platz (Amano on Auguststraße is where my family always stays) or Eberswalder (Oderberger is more upmarket). I’d def walk through the Gedenkstätte Berliner Mauer off the 10 tram line in Prenzlauer/ Mitte. It’s a preserved section of the wall and outdoor museum that stretches for 3 blocks. Prater Beer Garden is nice. Enjoy! Berlin is lovely
ADD and Workload
I have noticed my ADD symptoms worsening as we are in the dreaded SAD period and my chronic insomnia isn’t helping. For night time, I am on a low dose SSRI which helps a bit with sleeping and for the day time, I am on Concerta long release 36mg and have noticed that it wears off after 5 or so hours. I flagged this and was prescribed a bumper Ritalin 20mg which I can take as a single dose or as 2 doses in the afternoon.
I am trying to understand why I seem to need more frequent bumpers when it seems most people get by with the long release. I was promoted early Jan and while I have not been working longer hours than usual, I did start managing multiple projects on top of internal office stuff.
I guess I am trying to understand whether the medicine wears off faster when you are working very hard ( new role demands) or is it just a factor of how your brain feels that day (SAD and grogginess from SSRI)?
Anon
I am not a medical expert. However, my husband was diagnosed with ADD after we were married, and despite trying basically every brand/type out there, it became obvious his medication wasn’t working or was wearing off way too soon. He ended up changing practitioners and they did a kind of genetic panel that shows how an individual metabolizes different medication. Turns out, his system basically burns right through most ADD medications soon after taking them, which explained why even time-release never held long enough for him. They ended up prescribing a basic dose of Adderall, but he takes it in fractions at timed intervals throughout the day. I don’t know if that’s what would help you, but it literally changed his life.
anon for this
Have you been checked for nutritional deficiencies recently? Like D, Iron, Magnesium and Zinc? Drs aren’t super likely to test for the latter two unless you ask directly but I find that if anything else about me is off my ADD meds aren’t as effective and the medication itself (though I have no direct experience with concerta) can be mineral depleting over time and most people are D deficient in winter. Also my meds are garbage the week before my period starts in any season and it is worse in the winter. For both SSRI’s and stimulants- there is only so much they can do if you are missing the raw material (nutrients) to make the serotonin and dopamine etc.
anon
I was fairly recently diagnosed with ADHD and started on 36 mg concerta. It worked pretty well for me. For the first several months I kept careful track of how I was feeling, changes in my symptoms, my thoughts, side effects, etc. in addition to other factors like what I was working on, how much sleep I got, how well I’d been eating, exercise. That might give you some data. I’ve noticed that there is definitely variation on meds, just like off meds. Like the poster below, all of my symptoms are worse before my period (this is helped by oc pills). Regular, hard exercise helps significantly. You should also try other meds. I take vyvanse now and find that it lasts throughout the entire day for me, whereas I could feel concerta wearing off at 8-10 hours.
If your new role requires you to manage more things, it might be not that your meds are less effective on a physiological level but that managing many projects makes your symptoms more pronounced and more of an impediment. I do pretty well in lots of tasks like research, writing, or big projects where I can think deeply about something mildly interesting. But once I started being responsible for more things on a management level and having to do and keep track of tiny tasks and following up and emails and scheduling and dealing with a tight turn around on boring, tedious projects, I started to realize how much ADHD was hindering me.
You might also consider an anti-depressant like wellbutrin that works on dopamine. It’s often prescribed to manage ADHD as well, and seems to give more of a motivation booster than typical SSRIs. For me, SSRIs (I took zoloft) just made me numb out and want to go to sleep. Good luck!!
Anon
What times are you taking your Ritalin in the afternoon?
Have you talked to your MD about adding a tiny dose of melatonin at night, and a Happy light every morning to help with your sleep cycles? I really suspect that if you could get the sleep better, then you can shift your ritalin dosing in the afternoon (it may be interfering with sleep if you are taking it too late).
T
I have ADD and while I’m fortunate to live in a sunny climate year-round now, I used to have way worse SAD symptoms living in the north. One thing that helped/helps for me is taking a TON of fish oil and Vitamin D. I would definitely talk to your doctor to see if there are some other supplements you could explore to help.
LittleBigLaw
What is your setup for calls when you work from home? I generally use my speakerphone on my desk so that I can take notes during calls, but that doesn’t work as well on my cell at home because the call quality is generally poorer + grumpy dog ;). Is a headset the solution? Any specific product recommendations? Thanks!
Anonymous
Airpods!
Junior Associate
+1!
cat socks
All my calls are via Microsoft Teams or Skype so I use a USB headset that I plug into my laptop. Sometimes, I will dial in via my cellphone and use a Bluetooth ear piece so I can still use my hands.
Minnie Beebe
I work remote 100% so spend HOURS per day on Zoom/Webex. I bought a very inexpensive (like $20) USB headset that I truly could not work without. On occasion I will dial in via cellphone/airpods if I know I’m going to have to let someone into the house during my call (i.e. contractor) and don’t want to be tethered to the computer but otherwise I just use the USB headset. Mine’s Logi brand, but there are probably hundreds to choose from that work equally well.
anon
I work from home (for myself) and after three years of using cheapo headphones I splurged on a Jabra headset a few months ago. I LOVE it. I can truly focus on phone calls and can wander around the house unteathered to get water or whatever else. It connects to my phone and computer via bluetooth (at the same time). I was like you in that I used speakerphone a ton when I was in an office.
Ses
Jabra USB headsets are the only reliable ones I’ve found with good noise canceling, and they’re lightweight.
no
the dog gets peanut butter frozen in a complicated toy for the long/extra important calls.
NYC Girl
lol my cats get fed early for the same important calls
Anon
I have a land line and a speakerphone at home. My cell reception is unfortunately not reliable enough from home.
anon
The winter blues are hitting me hard and I desperately need to get out of the house this weekend. Any fun ideas for stuff to do? Kid-friendly is a bonus. The snow melted earlier this week, so it’s just gray, depressing and cold. (Remind me to book a vacation for February 2021.)
Panda Bear
Maybe go to a children’s museum, science museum or something like that if there is one near you. Or how about a family-friendly cooking, art or pottery class?
Angela
Bundle up and go to the playground!
anon8
Library?
Anonymous
Not for everyone, but my kid went to a birthday party at a trampoline place. They have “open play” for a specific age groups every morning. So we jumped on trampolines and into ball pits for hours a few weeks ago. My little guy napped like champ after that and I swear it helped my mood.
Also, he went to a bowling party a few weeks ago and is dying to go back. I feel like it’s a fun activity for the whole family.
Anonymous
We have a kids library. And now that my kids are older, I like going to the mall with them because we can walk around. I make sure they bring some of their $ so they can get into the practice of talking about money and deciding what they want to spend $ on. Mine at least understand having to add on sales tax, which has been a surprise.
Anon
Does Atlas Obscura have anything near you?
Do you have any “ethnic” grocery stores? Even an Aldi can be an adventure if you don’t usually go.
Would a retirement home near you let the kids come in and do a puzzle or something with the folks? Give away some of their stuffed animals?
Anon
Bundle up and get outside. Nature is so beneficial to health and mood.
Anonymous
We rotate through these activities in the winter: bowling, arcade games, roller skating, trampoline park, indoor swimming pool, pottery painting, winter hiking (just bundle up. It is so nice to get outside!). We also sometimes walk to our local coffee shop and sit and have a hot drink (usually hot chocolate for the kids and tea for me.) Also serving lunch at the local homeless shelter always puts things in perspective for me. My kids enjoy serving food and helping to put together hygiene packs. Also helping at the animal shelter. Petting kittens always cheers me up!
What is my AT size?
I usually shop at BR but have tried some AT pieces, unsuccessfully, after a few rounds of mail-order roulette.
In BR, I wear a SP top, 4-6P jacket, and 6-8 Logan bottoms (nothing else fits my hips). Dresses are tricky b/c I am highwaisted and am a size bigger on the bottom. What should that translate into at AT? I measured myself, I looked at the charts, nothing worked :( My local mall store is more casual and doesn’t tend to stock any wool suiting pieces.
Anonymous
I have hips and AT does not work for me. Talbots does, and Hobbs.
Anonymous
I have no hips and AT doesn’t work for me either.
AnonATL
AT makes a curvy fit trouser that fit me fairly well and my body shape is similar to yours. The sheath dresses can be hit or miss on fit. Sometimes I can get away with an 8 (8 in bottoms usually at AT), but the top is a little boxier. Really just depends on the dress as to whether it works.
Anonymous
Yea, their curvy fit trouser is the only pants cut that works for me. Id say probably a 6 for you. Unfortunately, they are mostly online-only, so you’ll have to do another round of mail-order roulette.
Anonymous
I started a new job a year ago. I left a good job for it based on promises made by the COO, my grandboss, during my interview. COO said his direct report, my boss, would be retiring within a few months due to dementia and that I was meant to replace him. I babysat my boss for a full and difficult year (he was obviously slipping mentally but I dealt with it thinking I’d get his job afterwards). He finally retired and COO called me in and said “thanks for helping Boss and I’d love your input on what kind of candidate we should hire.” It seemed clear he was telling me not to apply for the job…after he had all but told me it was mine when I applied, though of course not in writing. It looks like the COO lied to get me to babysit my boss through retirement… and my morale is super low now. My job sucks and I’d just been hanging on for the promotion.
The job ad has now been posted and it’s essentially what I was told my job would be here (while instead I’ve been sidelined at a lower level and not invited to strategic meetings despite promises when hired.) so I have to watch someone else do a job I know how to do and was essentially promised. I’m even starting to get paranoid that they secretly want to get rid of me since they won’t let me do what I was hired to.
A twist: I was just contacted by someone I’ve worked with long ago. She said a colleague of hers applied for Boss’s job and asked if I would talk with her. I checked the applicant’s resume and she’s very qualified. Applicant asked if I’d meet for coffee and give her a candid explanation of the company and project.
I’m VERY conflicted about what to say. Company culture Is toxic and the project is a disaster. You can imagine my feelings about COO. It all looks good on paper but it’s an awful place to work and I so wish someone had warned me against working here.
But I don’t know if I should be fully honest for a couple reasons. I don’t want to say anything that might harm me while I work here. If she gets the job, she’ll be my boss, so not great if she knew I have 1.5 feet out the door. And even if she isn’t hired she has the possibility of “tattling” to COO. And it feels unfair to help someone else get “my” job. My natural tendency is to be helpful but it feels risky. I’m paid over market so I don’t want to just rush out for any other job…I need to stay until I find something good. Thanks for any advice, sorry so long.
Angela
So I get why your reaction to COO’s comment is that you shouldn’t apply for the job, but I think you should still apply for it. Maybe he’s assuming you’re comfortable in your current role, or just had it in his mind that they would get an external candidate and didn’t think about the possibility that you would move into that role.
If you do apply, that would give you an out to not talk to your ex-colleague’s colleague. You could just say, “Actually, my intent is to apply for that role myself, so I think it might be awkward to discuss it with someone else who is applying. I wish her the best of luck though!”
Or, depending on how not-close you are to this ex-coworker, you could just not respond to her message and hope she forgets about it.
Anon
+1. If the deadline hasn’t yet passed, apply! Maybe you will not get it, maybe COO won’t even really consider you. But the one way to ensure that you don’t get the job is to not apply.
The original Scarlett
So I would apply, I’d also meet former coworker and have an honest but strategizing conversation about how you could work together. I’d let her know you’re applying, and share info. It’s not a traditional approach where we are all made to think it’s a thunder dome of competition, but you never know who lands where and you can build a powerful ally that way if she gets it and you’re still there.
Anonymous
Maybe it would be worth having a more direct conversation, even though the outcome seems to be that you won’t get the promotion. Maybe there are some concerns about your candidacy that you could overcome. I’m not clear on whether you’ve told the COO that you want the promotion. Do you want the promotion? If so, figure out how to sell yourself as a candidate, update your resume and meet with the hiring manager to tell him you want the job and have the experience to hit the ground running & specify how you’ll turn the project around. Be the person who asks for it. If he says no, try to get some insight on what he wants you to develop in order to move up in the future. You sound like you might leave, but it wouldn’t hurt to get some insight into what they’re really thinking/why you’re being overlooked so that you better know how to plan. Don’t let them know you have any intention of leaving though, since you plan to stick it out awhile and want to leave on your own terms.
Anonymous
I asked if he was implying with his comment that I shouldn’t apply, and I feel like I was warned off “well, anyone CAN apply…”
I agree it would be good to get insight into why I’m not suitable if indeed I’m not…I’m just scared, right or wrong, that being a squeaky wheel here will push me further into being a persona non grata.
Friday, Please
I would apply and then have a frank discussion about your interest with the COO, including what was discussed when you came on board. He may have forgotten. And maybe you can get some insight into why he wasn’t considering you in the first place. This will help you decide if you want to stay (even if you get the job) or go.
As far as talking to this other person, I would not do it. I would just say that you are applying as well, and don’t feel comfortable talking to another candidate.
anon
Exactly this….great point
Anonymous
Why haven’t you talked to the COO about this? That seems like the obvious first step. The situation is not ideal but I think you are making a lot of assumptions about the COO’s motivations when you haven’t had anything more than a cursory conversation with him about this.
You should nicely say something like “When I was hired, you told me that once boss retired, the plan was I would step into his role. Now that he’s retired, I’d like to talk about how to make that happen. I was surprised to learn you are meeting with external candidates, but also understand that can be a normal part of the process.”
Anonymous
+1000. I’ve been the boss/hiring manager in this role. I was a very busy person with a lot of people to keep track of. Someone came to me asking why they weren’t promoted into a role i’d opened up, and I was happy to have that conversation. I’d made no promises at all, but apparently years ago when this person was hired, they were told the next step/promotion was into Open Role. They were not only misinformed (they were in a technical role but the Open Role required management experience- the promotion from a technical path is a better paid/more specialized technical path), but also unqualified for Open Role. After that conversation, the team member knew what had to be done to get into a role like Open Role at my org, and I did my best to feed over opportunities for management experience. The person eventually took a role in another company, and I was happy to serve as a reference. But I’d never have known any of that if I hadn’t been approached. It was completely off my radar.
Anonymous
Thanks for responses so far. To answer about applying for the job… I asked the COO at that time whether his comment meant I shouldn’t apply and he said “well I’m not going to stop anyone from applying but”…
And he also told me on a different occasion that I didn’t need to be part of strategic meetings because they weren’t appropriate to my level (and sounded annoyed at me for having asked to be invited). So I really took that as a strong suggestion to stay in my lane. Maybe I’m overreacting.
Anon
Yes, I think you are overreacting.
It sounds like you haven’t been clear, and are not standing up for yourself, which is hurting you. You need to get in there and be very clear if you want this job (example was given above on exactly what to say), but you have waited so long that I suspect your boss is going to be surprised to hear from you. But I am not even sure if you want this job. You said the place is toxic. Were you thinking of leaving?
Anonymous
Thanks, appreciate the feedback. I would prefer to stay if I had the job responsibilities I was promised and the respect of COO, but so far I feel like I don’t have the right level of access to do my job and it’s super demoralizing. The bureaucracy here is major and I’m being flattened by it.
job was posted yesterday so I think there’s time.
Anon
I think you should set up a mentoring/career discussion meeting with him and ask him for advice. People usually love helping others. Say it’s one of your goals to move into such a position and outline your current roles and why you think you’re on your way there. Ask for input about how to make the move. Ask him lots of questions about how he got into his role.
The original Scarlett
+1 to this as a first step too
Anonymous
Go back to the COO and advocate for yourself!!! Why are you sitting back and letting this pas you by. No. Don’t help someone else get the job you want.
Seeking pre nup rec
Hi! Does anyone have a recommendation for a reasonably priced attorney who can do a straightforward pre nup in the NYC area? TIA!
NYCer
Adam Wolff is great.
Wardrobe blahs
I have fallen into a rut of sweater + pants as my winter uniform. The sweaters were formerly polished and worn with a button-up. Now, it’s largely just a sweater (white LS tee underneath to deal with itching and extend time between laundering) now that we’re casual at work and I tossed the buttonups b/c they collars weren’t current. Pants were replaced with jeans and cords. It is just so . . . mediocre.
Advice re polishing this would be appreciated. Office is frosty, so wearing flats or pumps with bare feet will be hard to pull off until it warms up.
If I were rich, I’d march into a St. John store and let them find me something stretchy that somehow looks polished. I love a more formal look, but casual dress has made me a lazy dresser b/c the laundry burden is so much lighter.
Ugh.
Anonymous
Sweater + pants can be a very polished look. I find that a t-shirt under the sweater creates a lot of frump if the t-shirt shows at the neckline or if the sweater is fitted enough that the t-shirt creates bulk. I have not been able to find a t-shirt that is thin enough, tight enough, and stretchy enough to eliminate the bulk, so I’ve switched to drapey sweaters that are looser in the arms.
Gail the Goldfish
I use uniqlo heatteach as an underlayer for sweaters. They are basically thin undershirts.
Anon
+1 for Uniqlo heattechs!
Anonymous
Jeans + blazer + tee + preferred shoe (for me that would be booties and loafers right now)
Panda Bear
+1
Flats Only
My take on making a sweater and pants look polished is that you need the sweater to be relatively fitted, not skin tight, but definitely not hugely baggy, and it needs to be a fine knit – merino, silk, something like that. Add a scarf or necklace, and real shoes (pumps, flats, loafer, oxfords, but NOT any sort of comfort flat or sneaker).
The original Scarlett
+1
Anonymous
I feel like a casual pointe dress and fleece or other cozy tights might be fun. Still cozy and casual, easy to throw on in the morning and might feel a little more polished.
Parfait
This is my uniform.
Anon
This fall/winter, I’ve enjoyed a uniform of J. Crew Cameron pants + button up shirt (stripes and checks add a bit of personality) + J. Crew Factory sweater blazer. Add nice flats and earrings. Comfortable and fully machine washable. (I keep a miniature heating pad in my chair at the office – helps with staying warm.)
Go for it
Hmm. I am in a ridiculously (imo unprofessional) casual office. I made a decision to not go down that road as my professionalism follows my attire.ymmv.
The sweater sounds fine, perhaps up the pants game to washable dress pants. I wear trouser socks when it is cold. If you are a dress person ponte knit is generally washable and steams beautifully.
emeralds
I mean, there is nothing inherently unpolished about a sweater with jeans or cords. Do your clothes fit you well? Are they at your desired level of adherence to trends in colors and cuts? Are there specific elements from your more formal look that you could incorporate–so okay, you’re not in a full suit, but would you feel more polished if you threw a jacket over your sweater?
FWIW, my office is quite casual. My winter wardrobe is skinny machine-washable pants (black, gray, or navy) + a button-down (more relaxed than the kind I’d wear for an interview, often in fun prints–more like Everlane or Anthro, less like Brooks Bros) + sweater (again a more casual one, cashmere or merino blend, usually on the oversized side of the spectrum because that’s my preference) + boots/Allbirds/flats depending on weather. Hair and makeup are done enough to make me feel like I tried. Minimal jewelry. I don’t feel mediocre and you shouldn’t have to, either!
pugsnbourbon
Agreed, I don’t see a problem with a uniform (mine is similar to emeralds’), but I also understand the feeling of hating all your clothes and feeling blah. Is it time to replace some of the building blocks? New jeans, maybe a couple new sweaters with some interesting details.
wearwolf
Sweater jackets worn over ts are great for this. (A few that come to mind are the Talbot’s 100% merino jackets and 1901 Sweater Jacket at Nordstrom. I’ve also gotten a surprising amount of wear out of a very old Chanel style jacket.) Also, accessories are great to freshen things up. Any old broaches inherited from Aunt Edith? Wear them!
Anon
You sound like you want to be trendy not polished or you want to dress more formally. Polished means clean, coiffed, clothing is taken care of and fits well. You can absolutely be polished in jeans/cords and a sweater. Do you need better quality sweaters?
If you want to be more formal, pair good quality and more form fitting sweaters with slacks.
Je
We went casual and I struggled a bit too. I find that if I am wearing a topper with structure I feel better. So a ponte knit blazer, a long cardigan with structure in the shoulders, or a swacket.
Anonymous
It sounds like you need to explore the middle ground between jeans/cord & sweater and the more formal clothing you’re used to. You’re after smart, polished casual. That means current, stylish shoes, well-cut jeans in current cuts, pristine sweaters, a good haircut. I find it takes more effort and thought to pull together this kind of stylish, polished casual look than it did to put together my easier “office” looks when I just needed trousers and a cardigan and a pair of flats and I was good to go.
If you want to look polished, I’d update your jeans — make sure the cuts are current and the fabric is great. I’d (personally) ditch the cords — I’ve never had a pair that made me feel polished or pulled together.
Upgrade your sweaters if they are starting to look bad. Add scarves or jewelry. Make sure your hairstyle is great, your glasses are updated (if you wear them) and your grooming is good.
Shoes can add a lot of style — go for some really current boots, sneakers, or oxfords (something closed-toe that you can wear socks with).
Military fitness standards?
I wish that my job had a fitness requirement — that way I wouldn’t blow it off. When my friends were in the services, they had fitness assessments and IIRC there were gender and age-based standards. If anyone is able to post a link, it would be appreciated. I am 40s, female, and want to see what Uncle Sam things I should be doing (vs the trainers at the gym who are used to either very fit 20ish people of very unfit older people rehabbing after injuries or surgery; I’m just a 40ish person with a sendentary job who thinks I should be doing better but can’t quite quantify what good for me is).
I think it’s a running test and them maybe some other ones. Not sure if there are weight goals also or not.
Thanks!
Angela
https://www.goarmy.com/soldier-life/fitness-and-nutrition/exercise.html
Anonymous
Thanks!
This is humbling. I think I can do it (yes, for situps; I think my pushup form is horrid; running will be a challenge), but for years (decades), I have been kidding myself that fitness = fitting into my clothes.
Anon
Don’t forget that situps have to be the old fashioned elbows to your knees, spine perpendicular to the ground type. No crunches! ;)
Tippins
The Army is transitioning to a new PT Test for 2020. Instead of 2 min of pushups, 2 min of sit-ups, and a 2 mile run, the new Test has 5 new events + the 2-mile run. It’s a huge change!
Anon
You can google this. Each branch has different standards/tests. You are correct that it is by gender and age. Yes there are weight standards as well but I would ignore those because what really counts is your BMI.
Anon
And here’s the Army height-weight table. https://550cord.com/army-weight-control-program-ar-600-9/army-weight-control-program-ar-600-9-chapter-3.asp
When I joined in the early 2000s, my max allowable weight at 5’7 was 137 lbs. They updated it and there was a great sense of relief. And before people freak out – if you’re over the weight, you move on to the tape measure test and I never had a problem passing that, and I was normally in the 160s. Although I’ve been out of the Army for way longer than I was in, so I can’t speak to how this is implemented in today’s Army.
(And OP, while you can’t slack off when it’s your job to be at work for 6 am workouts, if you’re not a naturally good runner / pusher upper / situpper, the standards haunt you and add SO much stress to your life.)
Anonymous
I agree — the only thing I hate worse than running is running in the morning, so I didn’t do ROTC in college solely b/c of that, which is just so bratty and wrong-headed of me, but I am really inspired over the years by my friends (incl. sorority sisters) who did it, many of whom put in 20 years and have recently retired (!!!). They were in a variety of fields — medical, etc. I wish someone had just given me a gentle shove and pointed out that not everything in my life has to be my favorite thing all the time.
Seafinch
We are a dual army family and we routinely say the army expression to our kids, “It doesn’t have to be fun to be fun”. They see me doing stuff all the time I hate and am afraid to try so hopefully it sinks in!
Anon
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA on the not blowing it off because there’s a requirement!
Probably 80% of us totally blew it off, because the requirements to pass (at least when I was in) were such that being young and generally active was enough. There were always a few overachievers, but those weren’t the norm.
I’m in better shape now at 42 than I was when I was 19 and in the military.
Anon
Air Force? Navy? Because there’s no blowing off PT in the Army or Marines.
Anon
Marine Corps. There absolutely is blowing off PT. It’s practically an art form. That said, the art of skating is often more work than the actual work, LOL.
Anon
I personally don’t love the idea of having fitness assessments and requirements that have nothing to do with my job. But what I would love is the time during my work day to exercise I assume that the fact that people in the military have to attend PT and that it is considered part of their workday are big contributing factors to how they stay in shape over time.
nuqotw
I’m a DoD civilian and the standards are serious. You can google something like Navy PRT and age-adjusted options will pop up.
I’m struggling with finding time for fitness too. My doctor is always nudging me when I tell her I exercise maybe once a week. But, as a friend put it: if being in shape were my job, then I would be in shape. And it’s not.
Anonymous
“If being in shape were my job, then I would be in shape.” THIS. I recently saw an article in women’s health about the fitness routines various actors/actresses had to get in shape for roles and it really showed how unrealistic it is unless that actually is your job. No person has 4 hours a day to work out unless you’re paid for it. (The only maybe possibly-attainable workout for someone with a regular job was Scarlett Johanssen’s, which was 5 days a week for an 45 mins-hour of various different workouts.)
Seafinch
I am a 42 year old in the Canadian Army. Gearing up right now to do my test when I go back work to after mat leave. We revamped our test a few years ago and while it is still hard, it is less stress for me. I spent months prepping for push-ups before and almost failed Basic Training because of them. They are no longer required and the test is deemed more “functional” now. https://www.cafconnection.ca/National/Programs-Services/For-Military-Personnel/Military-Fitness/FORCE-Program/FORCE-Evaluation.aspx
CrowTRobot
Navy here… Getting out shortly. Seach Navy PRT Female. Not quite as hard as the other services. I guess I’m grateful for that? The run was always my struggle, particularly when I was at the Naval Academy. 12:40min for 1.5 miles.
no
Suiting help please! I’m lucky enough to have a casual dress code 95% of the time. I currently have one black suit for those rare occasions I have to go to court, and the going-out blazer with gray pants for depositions. It looks like there will be a few times this year where I need to be dressed business formal for at least 3 days in a row, but not enough times to justify the expense of 3 full suits. I’m looking at the AT sale now, what color/pieces would you buy? I like the navy, but then I would need to buy shoes also. Can I do the same blazer with two different types of pants? Like trouser pants one day and ankle pants the next?
BabyAssociate
I would do navy or grey (not black). I think same blazer and 2 pants (or pants and a skirt) is a great idea.
nuqotw
IANAL but do very occasionally need to wear a suit, and my approach is to not wear exactly the same thing multiple days in a row, but it’s okay to repeat pieces. So, same blazer, different pants is fine. (I like to do the same suit with different tops.)
Personally, I would buy navy or gray, since you already have a black suit. I’m not sure why you would need to buy shoes – you can wear black shoes with a navy suit. Depending on your budget, spring for three tops as well.
no
I can’t even explain why I thought black shoes wouldn’t go… I’m so bad at this. Thanks!
anne-on
Is business formal matching suits, or can you do a sheath dress with a blazer on top? That’s the direction I see most of our senior women going in. I’d opt for some more ‘fun’ sheath dresses (purple, tweed, deep green, etc.) and then a coordinating jacket (grey/navy/black). Otherwise, I’d absolutely use this as a time to buy some more unusual suits.
I sound like a broken record, but I find Brooks Brothers on sale is SO much better quality than Ann Taylor – I’d look into their suiting separates:
https://www.brooksbrothers.com/sale/women/suit-separates/0517,default,sc.html?lid=leftnav-menu
Anonymous
Does BB work for pears? I had several fails and never figured out their sizing. Agree on their quality though (BUT AT wool suiting items are lined and have lasted me forever and were well worth it).
anne-on
Dresses/skirts yes, pants probably not. I have very athletic thighs and gain in my bottom half and find their cuts pretty forgiving, especially the slight a-line styles. I wear pants maybe twice a (team dresses for life!) so I really don’t know but I recall them being cut on the slim side.
HFB
In my opinion people will notice the top part of your outfit more than the bottom so I’d revers this and pair the same pants with a different blazer. I guess my opinion might change depending on the type of undies you are wearing.
Anonymous
Seriously, invest in the suits and a different color shoe.
Hairdryer recs
Black smoke started pouring out of my beloved hairdryer this morning, so I’m hoping to pick up a replacement on my lunch break. Any recommendations for something under $100? Thanks!
Senior Attorney
I was happy with my BaByliss Pro.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002NGMEVC/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Hairdryer recs
Thanks! I was looking at this earlier. An older BaByliss is what bit the dust this morning, but now that I think back, I may have had it for close to 10 years.
AFT
ditto babyliss – i think i have the ceramic one? I switched out to the Revlon one step that everyone loves, if you like to roundbrush your hair.
Lower back pain
In the past 6 months or so, I’ve noticed my lower back hurting after I stand for longer than 30 minutes or so. I only wear flats, and this seems to even happen if I’m in sneakers. Is this normal? I work out quite a bit with a mix of spin/running/swimming, so not sure if I’ve been slowly injuring myself in some way there.
Maudie Atkinson
I would suggest adding something to your regiment focusing on core strength. Obviously, YMMV, but beginning a consistent yoga practice—even just a couple times a week—did more for my back spasms and lower back pain than physical therapy.
Anon
+1
Your exercise regimen is awesome, but I agree that you are lacking some core strengthening, which can be more important as you age.
Also, start taking note of how you sit/stand/walk. Shoulders back, chin up, suck you belly button in towards your spine and support that core. Try not to slouch. There are actually all strengthening exercises. Make sure you have a good ergonomic chair at work, computer height is good so your head/shoulders are in good position. And avoiding high heels can help.
https://www.movementforlife.com/blog/physical-therapy-for-lower-back.php
Anonymous
Yup, it’s normal, and core strength is probably the primary issue. You could also try Pilates–that has helped me immensely.
Anon
My back just gets tight when I stand for long periods. I think it’s just called Getting Older, not an injury ;)
Anon
Feet can flatten with age, you may need more support. It seems like flats should automatically equal comfort, but some styles like basic ballet flats are really bad for your feet.
Anon
I know there are some Warren supporters here. Her fundraising is flagging a bit so let’s do all we can to pump her campaign up. I’m donating $50 today. Who’s with me?
lsw
Done!
Anon
Done here too!
NOLA
I need some reassurance here and please, don’t jump on me. I can’t take it right now. My guy and I have been dating for two months. He has had a lot going on personally and professionally in the past month and we’ve settled into a pattern of mostly spending Friday evening through Sunday morning together, with an occasional get together during the week, but his work has been a little nuts in the new year. He moved into a new apartment in mid-January and I’ve been trying to help him with unpacking and setup and buying furniture (he doesn’t have everything he needs and hasn’t finished dividing marital assets, even after 1.5 years apart). When we’re together, we’re great. We have a blast and we’re very easy with each other. I feel like I’m developing stronger feelings for him and it scares me beyond belief. We haven’t really talked about “us,” other than to decide to be exclusive. I feel like I need more reassurance from him, but I also know that he has a lot on his plate. I’m trying so hard to go with the flow and be okay with letting things develop but I’m also feeling really off balance about the whole thing. It doesn’t help that we both got sick this week. Honestly, I am so freaked out that I want to break up with him before I get hurt, even though I know that’s stupid. Can you all talk me down from this tree?
nuqotw
Oh, I’m so sorry! Don’t break up with him if you like him. It’s okay to be scared. Do you like distractions? Is there someone who can help distract you? Or a solo hobby you can really get into for a little while? What you’re describing sounds so so normal even though it’s also so so hard. Lots of hugs and good luck.
Anon
Have you thought about what reassurance would ease your mind? What would you ideally get from him? I remember feeling a lot like you describe about this same point in my relationship with my now-husband. I just wanted more from him – more attention, more contact during the week, etc. I was just really anxious about losing him. We spent weekends at his place, so he started spending Wednesday nights at mine (close to his office). Then we went on a long weekend getaway around 3 months and I met his family at 5 months. He said ILY around 3 months, too. I don’t know if there needs to be a Talk – I think Talks can be so scary – why not see if he’d be interested in an extra night together weekly or a weekend away together – that way you can be in the driver’s seat getting your need for attenion met instead of waiting on him to express more and feeling ancious.
NOLA
Thanks for this! Yes, I have thought about what reassurance would help, but that’s just been forming in my own head recently and it’s terrible timing because we both got sick right when he was getting back from a work trip. I probably would have gone to his place last night, but we were too sick. I guess I will see how we both are feeling this weekend. I need to discuss Mardi Gras plans with him. I am not good at spontaneity!
anon
I empathize! Short answer– I suggest reading some Brene Brown. Start with “Daring Greatly.”
Anon
Literally ALL of this is your anxiety talking. You like him a lot, he likes you a lot. He is moving and is in a crazy time at work and still spends the WHOLE WEEKEND with you, can sometimes meet during the week, and is letting you help him get situated in a new home even though its only been two months. Sweetie: he sounds all in and you do too. You are on the same page – he is basically spending all of his limited free time with you. You all are exclusive. No other assurances exist. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot – if you break up with him it will literally only be self sabotage. Do you have a pattern of messing up good things for yourself out of fear? If so, get thee to a therapist.
Another anon
This.
CountC
+2 As someone who is a lifelong self-sabatoger with anxiety, agreed!
NOLA
No, I don’t have this pattern at all. This is all new to me, but I also haven’t really dated. All of this makes complete sense. Yes, I know that I am self sabotaging. He didn’t text me at all yesterday and I completely had built up this crazy scenario in my head. It turned out that he was sicker than I was, went to work, then came home, took meds and crashed. He is a much more sound sleeper than I am so he never even saw my texts. He has sent me some cute texts about this weekend – worried that we are exposing each other to different germs, but obviously wanting to be together. Yes, you are absolutely right. THANK YOU!
Anonymous
This is so hard, all the hugs to you. Ime it’s normal, in the early stages, for one person’s feelings to develop a bit sooner than the other. It really sucks to be the one “waiting” on someone else. Honestly it might be kind of good that you’re both sick this weekend. Sometimes a little distance helps me feel more level when I’m feeling the way you describe.
Anonymous
I actually think putting more energy into other things in your life, so you can let the relationship develop naturally is the way to go. I wouldn’t help him too much with his move, but let it be an opportunity to see if he can do his own adulting. And also see how he balances busy times plus personal life. We can all learn and grow and make mistakes … but as adults some habits are ingrained and you want to learn what his habits are so you know if you even want to continue moving this relationship forward … don’t forget you have the power here too.
You can certainly be flexible, plan a date, whatever, but keep in mind that it takes time to get to know someone and gain the security of knowing that you’re each other’s person. There’s no shortcuts to that … or if there are you shouldn’t take them because you risk overlooking red flags.
Reassure yourself that no matter how this relationship works out, you are going to be just fine. And you are going to be rewarded for holding to high standards and not rushing anything.
Anonymous
Ok breathe. First, you’ve been dating two months. Stop helping him unpack! Don’t help him buy furniture! You are not his mom. You’re still in the dating stage. There are better uses for your time, like living the full rich life I know you have.
I think if you invest less in this you’ll be less freaked out. The reassurance you think you need doesn’t exist.
Anonymous
I agree with this. Back off some — let him set up his own place, heal from his own illness, buy his own household supplies. You’re neither his mom nor his wife. See what kind of adult he is without someone helping and supporting him and easing the path for him and making it all better. How does he handle stress? How does he deal with a new situation? How does he cope with illness?
Also, if you tend to rush into caretaking and overfunctioning, deliberately step back from whatever these complicated personal circumstances are that he’s in. See if he’s adult enough to handle them well. In short, consider that he is auditioning for a spot in an adult relationship, just like you are.
NOLA
I offered to help him unpack the kitchen because it’s been a pain for both of us not to be able to stay there, when he didn’t even have a coffee maker. If he weren’t working so much, he would have done it himself. It has just dragged on way too long. I really only spent a couple of hours, then he dragged me out to a parade. And the furniture shopping thing was fun. He’s new in town, so I know places that he doesn’t. I definitely value my alone time and have thoughtfully considered how to not get swallowed up by a relationship like I have in the past. In fact, this Saturday was the first time that I gave him the whole day rather than running my errands and going to the gym. We had a blast, so it was a good investment of time.
Anonymous
+1. Take it from me, you don’t need to bend over backwards! Could it be you’re trying to people please? No need to put this extra pressure on yourself. He is responsible for getting unpacked and creating a space where you’re comfortable. Could tell him it would mean a lot to you if xyz. And relax! I’ve been there with the anxious thoughts. It’s an opportunity to work on those thoughts from a calm place. I would not recommend make impulsive decisions like breaking up from a worried state.
Anonymous
My relationship started out this way – super easy with each other, but very intense very false….. and was very complicated by his father passing 2 months after we started dating & him moving back to his mom’s place. Off balance was the good way to describe it.
I took a deep breath and let him work through what he needed to work through. Best decision I made.
We are coming up on 19 years together.
Anonymous
*fast not false!
Senior Attorney
OMG this was me the whole entire time I was dating my husband.
I was ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED that he was breaking up with me every time he got busy and didn’t text for a day or two. It was horrible and even though I knew it was my craziness it was still … horrible. When I told him about it much later he was flabbergasted. If you are prone to anxiety, like I am, I think it’s just something you have to live through.
Anyway, on the topic of “I want to break up with him before I get hurt,” my philosophy on that was “I am so happy to be with this wonderful person, and even if he breaks up with me/breaks my heart, it will have been worth it to know there are wonderful people like that in the world.” So that’s another way to think about it.
NOLA
You are so awesome. We need to talk! I am really enjoying him and being with him. He isn’t happy with his crazy work schedule right now. And, he has been really sweet about prioritizing things in his new place that will make it easier and more comfortable for us to spend nights there. I mean, until last weekend, there was no hand soap in the bathroom and he had one towel and one pillow. He’s basically buying a bed for me… I know that I need to stop this craziness!
Anon
“I am a strong, independent, BADASS woman with a fabulous life of my own” should be your mantra.
See him when you can see him but be out there living your own life when you can’t. And I mean out there. Have a drink with a girlfriend. Spend time on your hobbies. Do some self care like exercise or a spa appointment. Invest in yourself.
You will not feel these feelings if you remind yourself you are worthy and absolutely fine on your own.
NOLA
Oh, I am completely fine on my own and have been for years! I absolutely prioritize myself and my own schedule. He has had to adjust to the fact that I go to the gym every day after work and have rehearsals on Wednesday nights and I have to be at church for my singing job on Sundays at 10. He is definitely the kind of guy who would lay around in bed half the day on the weekends, so we’ve adjusted with a little give and take. And I am absolutely a strong, independent, badass woman with a life of my own!
Triangle Pose
Don’t help him unpack or help with regular adult errands! You’re 2 months in. This is the part where you go on fun dates, sleepovers are exciting, there’s so much new-ness and getting to know each other. No chores and no sounding board for work grind or the divorce or the ex. Don’t be his therapist or offer those emotional and labor support things. Those are benefits that come with time and commitment. This is all IMO, as someone who got out of long term SO and was new to app dating in 2018. YMMV but IME giving these things too early was really not good and allows a new guy to take you for granted and clouds his perspective (which should be that you are a catch and have your stuff together and he should too!).
NOLA
I def don’t do errands for him. I have taken things down to his new place that he didn’t have and I have extras, mainly to make things easier on myself. The unpacking was the same – he just couldn’t get to it, due to work, and it was making it harder for us to stay over there. He lives in the Quarter, so we’d love to have time to play in the neighborhood, which we have a little bit, but when he didn’t have basic stuff unpacked, that’s harder on me. We don’t get caught up in being a sounding board. We haven’t had as many fun dates since New Year’s, because of his work. After the holidays, he started asking to cook at my house on Friday evenings. He was still living in a hotel and desperately wanted to cook and eat at home. That’s been fun! We went on our first real going out date in a while last Saturday night when he spontaneously bought tickets for a local theatre for Saturday night. We were spending the whole weekend at my house, but now that he’s getting settled, we’re spending Friday nights at my house and Saturday at his place. It’s been a good mix, but since I have to be at church at 10 and I couldn’t even shower there, I was leaving at 7 am. We’re working on that – he is working on it as much as I am, which makes me happy.
Triangle Pose
Okay, these are chores. How are these not chores?! If he doesn’t have a hospitable place, then you don’t need to stay there! Don’t take items to his new place he doesn’t have (that are your things?!) and don’t unpack for him. I get that it’s harder for you if things are unpack or he doesn’t have stuff, but I really think you should rethink your solution. Solution shouldn’t be you do these things for him or help him out with these things. He’s an adult man and if he’s going to be in a relationship with you (or be allowed to keep seeing you 2 months in) he should find a way to do it! You are not his task rabbit.
Listen, you do you and if you’re happy that’s totally fine. But it sounds like from your OP that you’re using “he’s got a lot going on personally and professionally” as an excuse for things not really going how you want them.
NOLA
He and I have talked a lot about the unpacking. He’s been in the apartment since January 17th and was getting nothing done. When I was unpacking the kitchen, there were literally 4 bags of moldy bread items. He just bought a garbage can. I think he’s been really overwhelmed with crazy work hours and then just tired when he has some time off and just wants to hang or have fun. He knows that it hasn’t been hospitable for me (no bed in the bedroom yet, where we need to be to have it be big enough/warm enough/quiet enough) and has been working on some of that on his own. He had been to furniture stores every single night after work last week to see if he could buy a bed locally, then ended up ordering something online. Then it will be mattress/pillows/bedding. We are obviously much more comfortable at my house where I have a bed and pillows and an unpacked kitchen, but I live uptown and he has this cool new place in the Quarter, where we want to play and have fun. He’s trying to get it all together, but it’s daunting. When we unpacked the kitchen, what we discovered is that he really needs two small pieces of furniture to really make the kitchen work to cook. Who knows how long getting those will take, but at least now he knows. He really is a fully functional adult. It’s just a lot!
Anonymous
My performance is assessed numerically every year. Last year I got a great score, thanked my boss and moved on. This year, she gave me the highest possible score and told me everything is great, thanked me, and basically told me to get out of her office. I was happy and flattered at the time but now I’m pretty freaked out.
I keep thinking there is no where to go but down and have weird thoughts about being a fraud. I’ve worked here a long time (8 years) and have recently taken on more and more responbilities. I always feel like I’m behind or juggling too much but my boss insists that any mistakes I make are fine and I’m doing great. Other supervisors have echoed this. I’ve never been an overachiever and I’m an attorney in a volume practice. Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this just part of the growing pains when you’re becoming more senior?
I hope this doesn’t come off as a humble brag; work success has never been easy for me. I was fired several times in my early career and was really a mediocre employee for the first five years I worked here. I’d love to just get over these almost paranoid feelings and do good work.
Anon
Imposter Syndrome, that’s what this is.
Anonymous
If you scored well, take this as “I have other, more difficult conversations to have today. You are easy: you’re a rockstar. Get back to work.”
Your boss is probably bracing for some annoying client meeting, or delivering a poor performance review. I used to manage a huge team and my rockstars were the ones that I scheduled for like 5 minutes. “nothing to say here except great job. have a wonderful weekend.”
Minnie Beebe
Google “Imposter Syndrome”
Anon
Ugh in my prior job I had to give numerical rankings and I almost hated giving out the top rating as much as I hated giving out the bottom ranking. Because while it’s fun to give someone a 1 or whatever, if they’re a 2 next year, which is still a great score, they’re going to be disappointed. I think all of my 1s quit within a year or two.
The lesson is that numerical rankings are stupid.
anon
interesting, I was thinking that with such good scores several years in a row, OP would be in a really good position for a promotion, applying for more senior jobs etc. OP, you didn’t mention whether these great scores were reflected in raises/bonuses, which they should. But maybe all of the 1s didn’t merely quit out of disappointment, but were able to find something better.
This top on short waist
This top looks kind of long on the model. Does anyone know if it runs long or would look funny on someone relatively (but not very) shortwaisted? Being petite with a short waist can be challenging…
kk
That’s funny because I’m tall with a long waist- this top would tie at my belly button and still hit a smidge too high on me. I’d be flashing my pants button, even in a regular mid-rise pair of pants, and I’d have a risk of midriff showing if I reached for anything.
Crush
I recently met a guy that I think I could easily fall for, and I can’t stop daydreaming about him. It’s worse than normal because we were introduced by friends, who have been talking him up to me for a while, and I have no idea if he is also interested in me at all. We have just hung out with a group of friend, I feel like I’m back in high school! I’m trying to focus on work today, but can’t stop what ifs. But I’m also trying to not get my hopes up, there is no reason to think that he might also be interested in me.
Does anyone have suggestions on how to put this out of my mind? Or how to get over my developing crush?
Anonymous
How about neither “put this out of your mind” or “try to get over it”? How about just relax and enjoy it? Lighten up about it. It’s fun to feel this way. It’s normal. Just pull back from it a bit, recognize that it’s fun and normal, chuckle at yourself a little for being twitterpated, give your brain a shake, and tell it to get back to work. In short, don’t take yourself or this too seriously right now. If you double down and try to fight it, you’ll just end up in an endless thought cycle about it.
Anon
Be busy with your amazing life and do all the fun things you did before you met him.
knyc
Has anyone one a singles travel group? Intrepid, Exodus Travel, or Flash Pack? do you recommend? what is the demographic- closer to 31 or 49? male/ female? Mostly Americans or somewhat international? is there a “singles” vibe? TIA
Anon
I don’t know anything about the other two, but Intrepid isn’t a singles group – some people on the trip are in relationships. Intrepid is a travel group for people who are either traveling alone or with others and what to be in a bigger group, have a guide, not have to worry about logistics, etc. I’m not saying that there are never people who hook up, but not every trip has that happen and it is a small minority who do, not most people. I’ve taken a few Intrepid trips, and some GAdventure trips, which are similar. I’ve always had great experiences. They take care of the logistics, but it still leaves a lot of time to go off and explore on your own if you want. I’ve often taken the trips when I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that type of trip alone, like camping at game reserves in Africa or taking trips focused on hiking in remote areas.
The age range varies. I’ve seen anywhere from early 20s to 70s. I would say that most people are in their late 20s and 30s, but that kind of make sense to me cause that is a range where people have money to travel but may not yet have kids. In my experience, the trips tend to be more female unless it is a very, very active trip. I’ve never been the only American, but Americans seem to generally make up less than 25% of the group. There are always some Canadians and Europeans, and often some people from Australia.
knyc
Thanks, I know they are not “singles” trips. What I meant was there that sort of vibe…
Anonymous
I did an Intrepid tour on the Trans-Mongolian (train from St. Petersburg to Beijing) this summer as a solo woman traveler. There was one married couple, two other single women, and a pair of male friends, all Australian. The two guys were also in their 20s/30s, the married couple and other women were 50s/60s. I had an amazing time and highly, highly recommend Intrepid. They were very organized in terms of pre-trip logistics (getting visas for Russia and China can be complicated), and on the trip itself all of the transfers/hotels/etc. went smoothly. I thought there was a good balance between organized activities (walking tours, museum tours) and free time to explore on my own. It was nice to have the guide be able to explain things and handle problems, and I definitely felt much safer sleeping on the train in a compartment with people I knew. It’s not a luxury tour company though, it’s kind of 2-3 stars in terms of accommodation, second class train tickets, etc., and the married couple was unpleasantly surprised by that.
Meara
I went on a GAdventires tour, but it was one they did with NatGeo, so I figured it wouldn’t be people in their 20s. There ended up being 3 of us late 30s/early 40s, one guy a bit older, a married couple in their 60s and a woman in her 70s. Mix of American, Canadian, and NZ/Australia. Generally a decent group and also easy enough to not spend excessive time with any of them. That said, I wasn’t so impressed with the tour—while it was nice to have things set up for me in terms of flights/transportation, the guide was sorta meh and none of the activities felt like something I couldn’t have booked on my own. But since I was alone, I probably wouldnt have done some of it! So pluses and minuses.
SF Anon
I’ve done six trips with G Adventures over the years, five in their age-limited (18-39) category and one that wasn’t. I loved them – I made great friends from all over the world, they take care of a lot of logistics for you, and more importantly it allowed me to travel to parts of the world that I just would not have gone as a single female traveling alone (e.g., India and Brazil). There was one trip where I was the only American, and the others Americans were definitely in the minority. All of the trips skewed European, with some Australians, Kiwis, and Canadians. Definitely recommend G Adventures in general. With that said… on the non-age limited tour, I was the only person under the age of 55, and on the age limited tours at least half the group was 19-20 year olds on their gap year (the rest were in their later 20’s/30’s). When I was in my 20’s and early 30’s the latter was great; I found that the younger people on the tour were generally pretty mature for their age and I really loved that everyone was active/had lots of energy. There wasn’t a singles vibe per se, but on some trips some people did end up hooking up (including me, ha). There were more women than men (likely because it’s far easier/safer to travel solo as a guy), but there were always at least a few guys. Now that I’m in my late 30’s I think I may feel a little out of place hanging with 19 year olds, and I’m not sure where to go from here because I also don’t want to be the only non-retiree. I’m looking at Flashpack or Intrepid for my next trip (Intrepid’s age-limited tours stop at 29, so I think that makes the regular tours skew younger). Happy to share additional thoughts/information about particular tours (and solo travel in general; I’ve done a lot of it) if you post a burner email.
SF Anon
Forgot to add: if you call G Adventures about a particular tour that you’re looking at, they’ll tell you the ages and nationalities of the people who have signed up so far.
knyc
Thanks all. I’m 44, divorced with two kids and have’t travelled in a few years because i haven;t had someone to go with. I don’t really want to go alone (i know people do, i just don’t want to ) so thought a group might be a good thing to try, also, as other’s of you have said, i would go somewhere i wouldn’t go alone.
Sf
Hi dc,
I need to send a fruit or veggie tray to a shiva in Potomac on Saturday evening. Doesn’t have to be kosher. I live across the country now so was hoping for recommendations. Thank you!
Anon
Perhaps a Whole Foods delivery?
Anon
Potomac Grocer?
Anon
i’m from that area and my mother passed away at the end of last year. I think most of our fruit/veggie trays came from Whole Foods, but none of them were delivered – we had a local crew of friends who was arranging things for us. Giant is also an option though not totally sure if they deliver. We also received delivery from Bethesda Bagels.
Anonymous
DH and I have been married 12 years, and have always had a “split pot” approach to our money. When we worked jobs that came with bonuses (ie. base with a bonus target), the bonus went into the household pool and if it was higher than expected we either each got some extra “fun money” or we did something like take a fun vacation together.
DH has been at the same job for the past 6 years in a role that gets a base + bonus. Along the way, he’s accumulated options in addition to bonus money, and in one memorable case, he did a great job negotiating for extra options. His company is selling this year and while the deal is not yet inked, his options are looking very valuable. Even in a more conservative payout, they will be worth about 2.5x his annual salary (after executing).
How would you treat this windfall? Would you treat it as another bonus, where it goes into the split-pot? Carve a substantial portion out for DH to do…whatever he wants to do with it (I think he wants to buy a sports car, but we haven’t really had the conversation yet). We don’t have the final numbers in yet, but since it really is a windfall from our perspective, DH is treating it a bit more like “heck yeah, all my time slogging around is paying off!” vs me who is like “oh great, we can pay off a big chunk of the mortgage and retire a few years earlier!” I know the right answer is in the middle ground, but WWYD or what have you done in similar scenarios?
I guess the nuance here is that it’s not some startup where he’s been paid under market for years with the hope of a payout– he’s been paid (a very fair) market rate all along, with spot-appreciation bonus type options.
Anon
How do you manage you “split pot” system since you mention a household pool? That would impact my thinking, although we are a “one pot” household so others may have a different take. If 60% of our take-home pay goes to the household pool and the rest goes to your own pot, I would probably use the same percentages on this money as well. But there is no one right way.
Anonymous
Ugh I meant “joint”. All our money goes into a joint account. We pay out everything from there. We each get an “allowance” from there for our “do whatever” funds. For DH it’s cars and sports ball tickets and whiskey. For me it’s shoes and wine and jewelry.
Anon
That completely changes my view. If this is how you normal divide your income, I would keep doing that. Put it all in the joint pot. Decide if there is enough to give a supplemental allowance to allow your husband to buy the car he wants and you can do whatever you want with your comparable amount. But if this is how you have always operated, I don’t see why this money should be treated any differently.
anon
We have a split pot system in which we contribute to ongoing expenese as a % of how much we each earn, so for example when we pay our mortgage, I pay ~60% and he’ll pay 40%. For any other liquid compensation (so this is probably anything except stocks) then we would pay a % of our gross salary to our shared investment account (right now it’s 5%, although obviously it could be as high as we want) and everything else is individual. In your case, we would treat it as cash compensation, which means he’d pay the same % into our shared as he would if it were a bonus or anything else. If things were widly disproportionate between us, we’d probably adjust the % split. DH worked in a job were a lot of his comp was stock for a while, and I had an equally well paying job that was all cash comp, so he kept less of that proportionally for himself. You guys just need to talk about it openly before either of you go too far down the road of making assumptions of what should be done. That only ends poorly.
Anonymous
Everything goes into one pot, and if that makes the pot comfy the pot buys him a sports car
Angela
+1. All the money is “our” money, but I tend to let DH buy things that I don’t 100% agree with but we can easily afford because he makes 2x what I do.
pod person
Looking for some bingeable podcasts for a flight tomorrow. Any recommendations? In the past I’ve liked The Dream, The Dropout, S-Town/Serial/true crime stuff, tv show companion podcasts. That being said, it’s only a 3-4hr flight, so individual episodes of non-serial/non-bingeable channels would also be great. (Already adore 99% invisible, Stuff you Missed in History Class, Be There in Five, Bad on Paper, Brought to You By, This is Love/Criminal, Hidden Brain, Every Little Thing, Reply All,) … I really love learning new bits of information, whether about history or pop culture so if there are any favorites, please share!
Anon
If you haven’t done Dr. Death, I like that one! Casefile also had a 3 episode series on the Silk Road (the dark web dr!g dealing site) that I liked a lot because I had never really learned anything about it.
AFT
Casefile’s Belangelo Forest (~4-5 hours total?) is also awesome. It is more standard serial killer fare but really well done.
CountC
I enjoy Stuff You Should Know About, You’re Wrong About, and This Podcast Will Kill You.
MJ
If been super-enjoying “No Such Thing as a Fish” which was recommended on a thread here a few weeks back. Thanks for the rec, whomever posted it!
In-House in Houston
Have you listened to Root of Evil? It’s true crime – so, so good but it’s a very dark, disturbing true stories told by one of the victims daughters.
Sunflower
“Dirty John” is totally addictive.
Anonymous
I travel a lot for work and prefer podcasts on the road/plane… here are some I enjoyed. Bad Blood, Bad Batch, Man in the Window, Culpable, Dr. Death, The Mysterious Mr. Epstein, Blood Ties, Chasing Cosby. I started listening to Down the Hill today, which is about the Delphi, Indiana murders, and it’s really good so far.
AFT
The Clearing and Bear Brook (along with Root of Evil mentioned above) are my favorite true crime podcasts. For something else entirely, Dolly Parton’s American is an interesting sociology/music/biography podcast (about 8-9 episodes under an hour each)
Anonymous
If you like true crime and haven’t listened to ‘Cold’ yet, you should definitely add it to your list.
Worry About Yourself
So I saw Mean Girls the Musical last night, and while it wasn’t the best musical I’ve ever seen, I enjoyed it. The song “Stop” is my absolutely favorite, and I feel like a lot of people – teens and women in their early 20’s especially, because that’s when I could’ve used it – should hear it. It’s basically about the importance of impulse control when you reeeaaaally like someone. Even if you don’t need the advice because you’re already awesome and in control, it’s still fun. Go check it out on Spotify or YouTube.
Excerpt from the lyrics:
You want to do slash have it all
Because you have no impulse control
So before you snap, tag, like, or god forbid call
Here is my advice
Stop
When you send five texts
And you get none back
So you want to send a sixth one
Stop
You gotta stop
Anonymous
Did you go in Boston? I was there too, and that was for sure the best number!