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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Polka Dot Wool Blend Fit & Flare Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This polka dot dress from Jason Wu looks really lovely. It seems traditional and classic but also work-appropriate, and it's that rare sort of dress that you could wear to a big meeting or other setting where you need to impress people, but also to an event where you want to feel a little more feminine. It's $2,150 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XS–XL. Polka Dot Wool Blend Fit & Flare Dress Two similar but more affordable options are this twirl skirt and dress (in regular, petite, and plus) from Nic + Zoe. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

354 Comments

  1. My deodorant is leaving awful white marks on all my dresses/shirts and it’s gotten to the point it’s ruining a lot of my clothes with these stains (they don’t come out completely even when I wash them). Anyone have recommendations for deodorants that won’t leave marks? I use the Dove brand currently and even though it says “invisible”, it’s not!

    1. I use Old Spice deodorant, not the antiperspirant one. I do this because it is a cheap no-aluminium deodorant. It is a blue gel, and I’ve never had problems with it ruining my clothes. Another part of the reason I chose it is because my husband uses Old Spice, and has pretty much never had deodorant ruin his clothes. I use the Aqua Reef scent. My husband helped me pick it out as the least manly scent.

      1. +1 I use Fiji I think. Not particularly manly. Some of them are really aggressive!

    2. I’m currently using Arm & Hammer deoderant (not antiperspirant) and I get neither white marks nor pit stains. (It also smells nice!)

      1. Yeah, the new one is advertised to not stain clothing. The old one was terrible for that!

      2. This is what I use. It’s all natural, and I use the unsented version so I generally do NOT even smell. The only exception is if it is the summer and I have already worked out but did NOT shower. But I try to shower before getting back into any kind of outfit that is not a workout outfit. FOOEY!

    3. Switched to Arrid XX and Mitchum, both for men, and haven’t had this issue. Beginning to really believe that all the hoopla in women’s underarm products is the problem!

      1. I’ve used Mitchum Men’s unscented gel for years and it’s great. I’ve never had an issue with it ruining my clothes either.

        1. +1 for Mitchum unscented gel. Sometimes they sell it as “for women” as well, but it’s the exact same product, just in a light green container instead of dark green.

          Also, if possible, apply when you are wearing a bathrobe (or nothing) and let it fully dry before putting on clothes.

          1. Yes, I have used both men’s and women’s and both are exactly the same. I honestly like the men’s better because of the size. I’m not man-sized, I don’t think?, but it covers more in less time. Not that deoderant application time is a metric I’m trying to tighten up…i dunno haha

      1. This has not been my experience. Gels can leave yellow stains, and sometimes solids leave none.

        1. Yellow stains are caused by a reaction with the aluminum in anti-perspirants, regardless of the consistency. White marks are more likely caused by solids.

          1. This. That’s why I went no aluminum. I was so sick of ruining clothes. And some folks will argue that aluminum is bad for you. But, in all honesty, I was sick of ruining clothes more than anything.

          2. Supposedly, but I got the yellow stains from using the old Arm and Hammer gel that does not have aluminium.

    6. I use Dove invisible spray deodorant and have no issues with white marks, I highly recommend it. It’s also, in my experience, a SUPER effective deodorant and lasts forever.

      1. I use Dove invisible spray deodorant and have no issues with white marks, I highly recommend it. It’s also, in my experience, a SUPER effective deodorant and lasts forever.

    7. I had this problem (and to add insult to injury, the Dove one I was using previously also didn’t work very well) and have since switched to Secret Clinical Strength, in “sensitive unscented” soft solid. They recommend applying the night before, which I do after showering in the evening and before I go to bed, and it pretty much keeps me dry all day the next day, and I don’t get issues with white marks. Stay away from the scented ones though, I think they smell too strongly.

    8. I use Native, which is a natural deodorant I discovered last year. It is not an antiperspirant, yet I have found u sweat way less than with secret clinical antiperspirants and it lasts longer odor-wise. Big bonus is that it doesn’t ruin my shirts with yellow or white stains. I was skeptical to try a natural deodorant, but after reading reviews and taking the plunge, I swear by this one now. Check out their website. I won’t link so this doesn’t end up in mod.

      1. Secret Outlast clear gel has always worked fabulously for me. They have unscented versions, or very mild/clean scents. (Also works well on the under-b00b area in humid DC summers with zero skin irritation!)

      2. I also use Native and any white marks wash out. Also, I wear undershirts under my tops/dresses so I just wash those instead of subjecting my workwear to damages of the washing machine/dryer.

    9. I recommend a mineral salt deodorant (the rock not the liquid kind). It is absolutely effective at preventing odors (not an antiperspirant, but prevents any odor related to sweat, so unless you are in an extremely hot environment or exercising and want to reduce sweat, it is golden). I’m in Houston and it works wonders, despite the humidity. Note that you have to wet the mineral rock and let it dry then do a second layer, so deodorant becomes a two minute process instead of 15 second, but I just apply and dry while doing makeup. Totally worth it.

      Completely natural, odorless, and healthier than aluminum alternatives (ie no contraindications with breast or lymphatic cancers).

      1. I’ve been wanting to switch to a natural deodorant but the time I did it I got huge zits (???) in my pits and it was a disaster. I’m thinking maybe it was because my skin is used to that alcohol based gel? Anyway, soliciting thoughts or experiences from anyone who’s had a seamless transition to natural.

        1. Was it an allergic reaction? I can’t imagine how switching to a mineral salt can cause zits. Or was it a different kind of natural deodorant? The scent only ones have all kinds of plant extracts and oils.

          1. No, it wasn’t a salt one — it was Schmidt’s. It smelled great but it was like… maybe clogged pores? From switching to shaving+alcohol to shaving+[whatever’s in there]? I’m hoping the salt would react differently.

          2. Rainbow Hair– I use the rose and vanilla one by Schmidt’s and personally love it, but there are a TON of reviews online that say that it’s irritated other users and caused reactions, so you aren’t alone!

        3. Piper wai has been the only natural deodorant that did not cause me to break out with either a rash, discoloration, or zit type things. I have tried primal pit paste, crystal, Himalayan salt crystal, toms of Maine, and Schmidt’s.
          It heavy on eucalyptus so if you don’t like that smell it could be a turn off. It’s charcoal based so it’s grey but I’ve had no issues with it leaving any stains on clothes of any color.

        5. I use Native sensitive skin and am very smooth under my arms. I think it’s the baking soda in natural deodorant than can be irritating. I can’t use the non-sensitive Native without getting bumps and I also got them with regular antiperspirant.

        6. This is almost always inflamed lymph nodes, I also have this issue with certain deodorants. Also if the back of your scalp breaks out with scabs, it is the same thing! Keep switching until you find one that works for you. I have no recommendations for more natural options, but I use secret smooth-solid prescription strength and it works for me.

      2. The active ingredient in those “Natural” crystal deodorants is…alum. Which contains….aluminium. So it’s not really an “aluminium alternative”, although it is a different form than the most common active ingredients in other deodorants and antiperspirants.

    10. I use Certain Dri at night maybe once a week and Secret something-or-other in the mornings. On days when I’m worried about white marks on clothing, I can skip the Secret in the morning thanks to the Certain Dri.

    11. Mitchum invisible solid. Harder to find these days, but it is effective and also water-based, so it doesn’t leave that sticky residue on clothes that most other deodorants leave.

    12. I have this problem too, especially with dark clothes, and I don’t like gels because they make my pits feel wet after applying (isn’t the point to feel dry?!). Anyway, I’ve found using Shout stain remover before the washing machine has fixed the problem for me. Good luck!

    13. A little late here, but I LOVE Degree Ultraclear Black+White. I like the spray in the winter and the men’s stick in the summer. My main complaint was armpit yellowing, but this really is pretty good with blacks as well. Before this one, I used Mitchum, which I liked as well.

    14. I’m late to this conversation, but I used Dove antiperspirant for years and have never had this problem, and I don’t see online reviews that list white marks that remain after laundering as an issue, either. Could it possibly be your washer and/or laundry soap?

  2. How much does having an Important Job matter to you? Did you ever go from having one to having a less prestigious job, and if so, how was it?

    1. I recently went from having a not-important job to having an Important Job and I have buyer’s remorse. Life was a lot easier when I could just do the work I feel passionate about without every little move I make being scrutinized. I also have to spend a ridiculous amount of time on politicking and working behind the scenes to get buy-in on initiatives, which I don’t love. I am going to stick with it as this job will be great for my resume and lead to good things later on – like the ability to independently consult at some point in the future, hopefully . But for anyone contemplating a move into a Big Job, be aware that if you are the type of person who gets job satisfaction out of coming up with great ideas and executing them, a Big Job may not be for you.

    2. Working for A Good Cause is important to me, although there is a wide range of options I have enjoyed. In my social circles, that is by far the most prestigious work, fwiw, so I’m not claiming selflessness here.

    3. No, but it’s very important to me that I work for a good cause. That’s why I work in nonprofits and make no money. Yay.

    4. Not sure what you mean by an Important Job. I recently went from BigLaw (which I don’t think is important, but is often considered prestigious) to a government job. I’m still in the transition phase, and it’s a big adjustment. The lack of prestigious doesn’t really bother me and I love the free nights and weekends, but … I don’t know, it doesn’t quite feel right. But I can’t really explain why.

      1. I’m about to move from Biglaw to government, and was curious if you had any other thoughts on the move- do you like the work you’re doing now? My biggest fear is that I’ll miss the intensity (though I am excited for the free evenings and weekends!).

        1. I like the work. I’m a little worried it may get boring over time since I’m not used to focusing on one area of the law, but for now it is so much to learn (an area I had no prior experience in). But I’m not used to having this much free time (both in and out of work). A big part of it is that I just started and am still getting up to speed, and my boss is so busy it is hard to find the time to train me – I’ll have more work as time progresses.

          The other big change is from being a “go to” person at my firm, to the new kid on the block. I was often the one that people came to with questions at my old job, but I feel like I have little idea what I’m doing here. Learning the law, new processes, and new substantive skills. I kind of miss the feeling of knowing what I was doing, but (I hope) that will come in time.

          1. Thanks for the insight, I appreciate it. I think that’s going to be me once I start in government- I like being the “go to” person at my firm as well. Hope you settle in and it starts feeling more right!

    5. I like a little bit of autonomy, but I don’t have to be the leader or boss. I don’t need a Very Important Job, I just need the attendant Very Important Job’s salary.

    6. It mattered when I was right out of school, 1) b/c I didn’t know who I was yet (so the job telegraphed that) and 2) I was always applying for my next job, so an important job was a better stepping stone (esp. when I’ve been a grocery store and Walmart cashier, jobs that don’t exactly get you respect even though grownups do that as a career).

    7. Not important to me at all. I flailed quite a bit in my 20s but I really wanted to find something where I felt like I made a difference but didn’t kill myself doing it, and made enough to have a decent lifestyle. I didn’t go to graduate school and have a liberal arts degree so I couldn’t be too picky. I did eventually find something and it does all of those things so I’m happy.

    8. Having a prestigious job does not matter to me at all. But then, I’ve never really had one so I can’t comment on the transition from prestigious to non-prestigious.

    9. It doesn’t. I’ve noticed that Important Jobs tend to require you to work more hours. I’d much rather have time outside of work for hobbies and social activities. I’m fortunate to have found myself a career path that nets me good money in an LCOL area and I rarely work more than 40 hours a week. My title is not anything anyone would ever go OOOOOHHHH over, but I like my work and when I describe it, people tend to think it sounds interesting.

    10. Last year I went from doing litigation at a V5 law firm to a small local firm with less than 10 attorneys. Definitely less prestigious – not one of those high end litigation boutiques. Just a small firm that does commercial lit. I couldn’t be happier with the change. As a senior associate, I run my own, albeit smaller, cases and am in court/depos all the time. I took about a 35% pay cut. An unexpected bonus-I actually find my new colleagues to be more skilled litigators, probably because we are in court all the time, unlike at my prior big firm.

  3. Talk to me about getting highlights. I have thick, wavy hair that’s just past my shoulders. I used to be blonde, but that faded as I got older and I don’t love my hair color now (kind of a light brown with a few natural highlights if I get some sun). The catch is that I’ve never dyed or colored my hair so I’m not sure what to tell the stylist or what to expect. I’ve heard hair color is get what you pay for, so I’m willing to pay for it to look great, but I don’t have a regular stylist- it’s been over a year since I’ve gotten my hair cut. Any tips, advice, or stylist recommendations? I’m in the Atlanta area.

    1. Try to find pictures that are similar to what you have in mind, look up “Balayage highlights” or “celebrities with blonde highlights”. Those will help your stylist a lot. I pay about $130 when I get my highlights done (and hair cut) but I’m not in a major city so the prices in Atlanta might be higher. Ask your friends, read reviews, look on Yelp for a new salon and stylist. I found mine through one of my friends and now lots of our friends go to see her. Good luck!

        1. Getting highlights and it ruining the texture of my formerly beautiful hair. It was dry and damaged and high maintenance and took years to grow out entirely.

      2. This is varies person by person. For individuals with barely there waves to straight you won’t notice a difference for the most part. My curls have loosened a bit is still beautiful. Some people’s hair stays exactly the same.

        Some people’s texture or dryness changes due to lack of care *cough Anonymous cough*- it is more high maintenance because you have to do more treatments to keep it tip top, but not more than a couple times a month. One protein treatment and one deep conditioning treatment (recommend Aphogee for protein and 3 Minute Miracle from Aussie Moist) will keep your hair in great condition.

        1. Idk why people are dragging me for saying it ruined my hair. It did. I wish someone had warned me.

          1. I think people are taking issue with you saying “it will ruin your hair” not you saying “it ruined my hair.” I have extremely fine hair and I get balayage every ~12 weeks. I did highlights before balayage was a thing. I’ve only had an issue once, with a stylist who clearly didn’t know what she was doing. I guess she wasn’t used to such fine hair? I basically had to beg her to wash the color out of my hair because I knew it was processing for too long – she acted like I was being dramatic until she realized what she’d done to me. My hair was stretchy and broke very easily. I lost a ton of hair even in the salon when she was brushing it out. I had to get it cut short (not by the same person) and just wait for it to grow out.

            I don’t do any special treatments on a regular basis. I’ll do a hair mask if I get one in my Birchbox. I use TJ’s shampoo and conditioner and I hardly ever use heat on my hair.

      3. Your stylist screwed up. It shouldn’t be that bad. But it happened to me once, and it was awful; my hair was completely ruined, like straw. It was years before I would let color near my hair again! But the other many, many times I’ve gotten highlights, my hair was nice afterwards.

    3. I would recommend bayalage. It’s very natural looking. You should stress to your stylist that you want something natural looking that won’t cause a “hard line” as it grows out–something low maintenance that you can come in a few times per year for. I would also ask for “warm” tones instead of cool ones, as the cooler ones can get brassy over time. Definitely search on Yelp for someone who specializes in color–all stylists will say they do it, but only some people are truly gurus at it. GL!

    4. Be honest with your stylist about how often you’ll come in. I told the woman who does my hair that I wasn’t going to be coming in every 4-6 weeks for highlights, so she does mine very, very thin, so they can grow/fade out less noticeably. I go in every ~10-12 weeks, and I don’t have a visible line as the highlights grow out.

      I have medium/dark blonde hair, not a ton of gray. She also does lowlights with the highlights, which makes it look more natural. Last couple of times, I also had a few peacock blue streaks put in on the underside of my hair – I love it!

      Highlights have NOT ruined or even noticeably changed my hair texture at all, either, FWIW.

    5. I was you last year and it took me forever to “take the plunge” and dye my virgin hair. I actually brought in an old pic of me after a sunny vaca with my natural blonde with highlights I used to have before it darkened with age. I recommend balayage for low maintenance and only needing a touch up 2-3x per year.

      I will say that it took some getting used to as far as the texture of my hair changing once I had dyed it. I have very fine hair, which became much more tangled coming out of the shower (harder to brush), and I needed to adapt by getting different shampoos than what I used on my natural hair and starting to use leave in conditioner a couple of times a week. I also use a moisturizing hair mask once a week.

      I love my hair now and it’s like having that post tropical vaca hair every day now that I’ve lightened it up.

      1. Protein treatments with Keratin to strengthen the strands will help with the tangling. A split end sealer has also almost eliminated my tangles increased the time needed between trims, allowing my hair to grow a bit longer. They don’t actually seal split ends but rather glue them together until your next wash so they won’t snag. Keep in mind that the bleaching will raise your hair cuticles so they will snag on one another, that is just an effect of a lightener and it’s hard to impossible to completely solve.

        I’ve liked Oribe Split End Sealer, Redken Extreme Split End Treatment and Carol’s Daughter Manoi Repairing Split End Sealer. They really work and a little goes a long way.

        1. Thanks for the suggestion. I had never had tangled hair before I colored it, and it was a definite shock to me. I don’t consider my hair “ruined” but I realized I needed to change my routine to adapt. I never needed to moisturize bc my hair was naturally oily, and that seems to help. I will try one of the sealers you suggested. Do you just use on the ends? I have found my hair tangles more toward the top back of my head then at the ends so those tips about only conditioning the ends don’t really work for me.

          1. The products are designed for the ends but I just use it wherever I need it, but really a pea or two sized for the whole head, as some of the products can get sticky if over used.

    6. Babylights is another buzzword you can explore. My stylist does these with foils, but the color is subtle enough that I don’t have to schedule touch-up appointments regularly.

      Also, highlights have not had an effect on my fine hair. It may depend on what kind of color/bleach/toner you use.

      1. Would you please stop putting all of my posts into moderation? I’ve been posting here for years.

    7. I love my highlights – my stylist uses the balayage technique. I have medium brown hair with heavy blond to white-blond highlights, and I only have to get it touched up 1-2x per year. It looks surprisingly natural as well.

      Re: damage, anytime you bleach your hair you will cause damage. I have straight, fine hair and even though I anticipated it, it was surprising how my hair changed after bleaching. It tangles more easily but it also can go longer without washing. I find it holds styles now more easily since it has more “texture”.

    8. Former hairdresser here:

      first, it is a rare hair type that can’t handle highlights at all. However, if you’re using a lightener, it is pretty easy to overprocess it and “ruin” someone’s hair. It’s also possible to “ruin” your own hair by refusing to pony up for better products to take care of your new, expensive color.
      Balayage is a technique. It’s fine for fine hair, but it requires knowing how to apply it.

      Lightning products, no matter how they are buffered or what people want to call them, are essentially bleach. If you leave bleach on too long, eventually the hair will be chemically damaged beyond repair (we call this “redoxxed” and it results in the ‘stretchy’ hair someone mentioned above.) this is because someone left the product on your hair too long. Period. Sometimes this is lack of attention, sometimes it is because someone is asking a product to do something it can’t do in one sitting.

      Long story short, highlights don’t have to ruin anyone’s hair, but they can ruin anyone’s hair in careless hands. Read reviews, check stylists out on instagram, ask for referrals. Someone who is great at cutting isn’t necessarily great at color (and vice versa).

  4. Random question, and this is where I always come with my random questions.

    I’ve noticed recently that, after I wash my face, I have a line of makeup on my neck. It must be where the water stopped, sort of like you can always see sand at the high water marks after a flood. Does anyone have any suggestions? I don’t recall this ever happening before.

    1. Hmm not sure I’ve experienced this but how are you removing your makeup? I always double cleanse, first with an oil cleanser (currently using the Kiehls oil cleanser) and then with a non-foaming creamy cleanser, currently switching between Cerave hydrating cleanser and Glossier milky jelly. I also always use a clean wash cloth when I wash my face.

      3. Welllll thanks for always finding a way to make people feel dumb. The reason it’s a question is that I don’t wear makeup on my neck so it’s obviously sliding down there from my face. So it seems like wherever I stop washing, there will be a line. I like the washcloth suggestion.

  5. My dark brown (almost black) hair is starting to grey noticeable. DH tends towards all things hippie and actually thinks I shouldn’t dye at all but I think I need to do something because I’m not rocking a cool grey stripe like the What Not to Wear lady, I have unruly greys throughout my hair.

    Unfortunately my curly hair is already thin and breaks easily. I’m ready to start dying away the grey but I’ve very worried about damage. Any success stories with dying this hair type to cover grey, or am I better off with dark brown and medium brown highlights to break up the contrast between the greys and my natural hair color?

    1. Try a dark brown henna. It’s messy, but it will thicken your hair, looks amazing over grey, and your hippie husband might complain a bit less.

      1. Thanks – I had not even thought of Henna. Can I get that done in a salon? How long does it usually last?

        1. I was thinking henna too! I would recommend getting it pre-powdered (don’t waste time with the lush stuff, basically) and mixing it up with coffee and conditioner (I find it much easier to rinse out that way). The greys will soak it up really quickly and darken, while your dark hair might just get a bit shinier.

          It’s “permanent” but fades slowly.

          I doubt a salon would do it? Henna doesn’t play well with synthetic dyes and bleaches.

          1. That definitely makes henna sound like a good option. Hopefully I can find someone in my area that does it in salon, maybe independent hair stylist, as I definitely don’t have skills to attempt it myself.

            How does henna work with sea water/chlorine? We have a beach vacation coming up in June and wondering if I should wait until after that to give it a try.

          2. In my experience, no problem with swimming at all, and I have had a few summers in the pool constantly.

            It’s actually supposed to be good for your hair — it makes my hair shiny and bouncy anyway? (Full disclosure I only use the red stuff. It makes grey hair look like shiny red highlights and gives just a nice in-the-sun red shine to the rest of my hair.)

            It really doesn’t require much in the way of skills: pour powder into cup, add conditioner, mix, slap on head for a while, rinse. But if you want to go professional, maybe a hippie-ish place will do it?

        2. Unless you find a salon where the stylist has applied it before, just get a recipe online and do it yourself. I use Jamila Henna, and this weekend I tried Nupur Henna. Both are available in Indian grocery stores, and I’ve seen them sold on Amazon too. But personally I always buy in store. I mix my henna with strong black tea, it helps with the dye release. I also add some oil usually coconut oil. This weekend I used avocado oil and it worked just as well. The oil prevents the hair from feeling too dry afterwards. Some people find it useful to do a deep conditioning treatment immediately after they wash out the Henna.

          Google “Henna gloss” or “Henna recipe for hair” and you should find some tips on how to do it. Make sure you wear gloves since it stains. Same goes for your clothes, wear an old t-shirt when doing it so you don’t ruin anything. Henna will cover the gray hair. You can do it once a month and hopefully that should suffice .

      2. Whatever you do, don’t get black Henna from a nonreputable source. It is often spliced with PPD which is a skin irritant and can burn some individuals. If you want to get a darker Henna look, you can youtube people who have successful used indigo and other natural dyes with their Henna. A reputable company to get Henna from is Jamila Henna Powder and Rajasthani Twhighlight

      3. I have the same hair as OP. Talk to me about henna. I’m scared to look like one of those Indian aunties with crazy orange hair. Can henna cover gray hair that is originally black? I want black hair, not reddish hair.

        1. If you want black hair, it needs to be two-step process: 1) henna and then followed by 2) indigo. That was what my research into it years ago.

    2. ACTUALLY, I would try a keratin treatment. It will smoothe out the grays and avoid the sad cotton-ball puffy look. I do that on my grays and it makes them blend in with my otherwise shiny, smoothe brown hair. I feel sharp enough that I don’t feel compelled to color (which I think I’d be horrible at keeping up). I do keratin every other month or so and it has made a big difference.

      1. I had not thought about keratin at all. Can you still curl your hair with a keratin treatment or is it straight all the time? I have a difficult relationship with my curly hair but not sure if I’m ready to switch to straight hair all the time.

    3. I have black hair with grays. I started getting it colored at my hair salon every other visit. My stylist matched the color to my hair and it looks very natural and glossy. I would recommend consulting with your stylist about a color match and how to care for hair that breaks easily. I have fine hair that is slightly wavy and I heat style several times a week. I use a color protectant shampoo, but I haven’t had issues with any breakage.

      1. Thanks! Is every other visit like every 12 weeks? That sounds a lot easier than every six weeks, I was worried about a ‘skunk’ effect if I went longer but sounds like that might be an option.

        Can you recommend your shampoo? My stylist loves the Deva curl line but it doesn’t work for me at home.

  6. Grammar question here because I’m going insane. Periods and commas go inside quotation marks, right? I am in the US and I always thought this One associate in my group puts them outside half the time, and when I edited a memo we drafted together I made a comment like “hey I thought periods and commas always go inside–are you using a different rule?” They told me they use them inside when it’s in the quote, outside when it’s added by the drafter. A midlevel in our group just came back from maternity leave, and I noticed they always put them outside. I tried to make the same comment but it was over email and never heard anything back. So we just filed something with all of the punctuation outside of quotations.

    Is there some obscure rule where this is okay? Otherwise I am slowly losing it.

      2. So many times of late, I feel my education was a waste. All of that time I spent learning to read a clock, write in cursive, practice grammar and things like this…What even matters in this world now?

    3. “they use them inside when it’s in the quote, outside when it’s added by the drafter.”

      This is correct.

      1. Adding that I just googled and apparently there is a difference in British and American style. There might also be a Canadian style as I’ve attended three different universities in Canada and always used double quotation marks like American style but with all punctuation not original to the quote placed outside the quotation marks which google tells me is British style. Interested to know what other Canadians do.

        1. Yea, I always thought inside was the American style and outside was British style.

        2. Anonymous at 9:49, that’s what I was told to do in college in Canada. I was also a lit major, so it seemed really improper to add punctuation inside a quotation without calling it out with hard brackets.

      2. Canadian here with a UK/Canadian education and I agree with the rule of inside if original, outside if an addition.

        If you are adding something that wasn’t there originally, how can it go inside the quotation marks?

    4. This is a style issue — ask your law firm librarian or Steno desk what grammar style the firm adheres to. It’s probably the Bluebook but possibly AP Style or Chicago style. I agree that sometimes they go out.

      “We are both dragon energy!” if the original quote had an exclamation mark in it
      vs. an editorial comment on what they said
      Kanye said he and Trump were”both dragon energy”!
      vs
      WTF is “dragon energy”?

        1. The APA guide says that periods and commas always go inside, and that other punctuation (colons, semicolons, question marks and exclamation marks go inside or out depending on whether they were part of the original quote (applying the dragon energy examples above).

          I thought the US rule was that periods and commas always go inside. It seems like a lot of people apply the analysis for colons, question marks, etc, to all forms of punctuation. I don’t see where this comes from (specifically talking about the US here and filings for US courts/agencies). There’s a bluebook rule about how to use ellipses when you’re ending a sentence but the quote doesn’t end there. I interpret that to mean that ending a sentence with “. is not okay. Is this interpretation incorrect?

          1. But this rule is not always true in legal writing. Legal writing is different.

          2. The AP rule is the Bluebook rule, which is the style manual for formal legal writing. “Always place commas and periods inside the quotation marks; place other punctuation marks inside the quotation marks only if they are part of the original text.”

          3. This is the rule I learned in law school and was in the Bluebook at least at that point.

      2. Exclamation marks follow different rules than periods and commas, though. Periods and commas go inside the quotation marks regardless of their origin, but other kinds of punctuation go outside if you’re adding them to an existing quote.

    5. Also, if you’re in corporate, when you define a term, the punctuation is outside the quotes as you define the term, even if it’s in the middle of a sentence where you’d want punctuation. Hope that makes sense.

    6. In American Style, they always go inside. British Style makes more sense, but it requires thought. America likes things simple.

    7. This led to such intense battles at my old firm that I had to keep a cheat sheet for different partners. Punctuation in the quotes always for Partner A, out always for Partner B, it depends on the context for Partner C and my favorite of all, Partner D, I don’t give a F, just be consistent throughout the document.

  7. I’m having trouble finding a good therapist. Everyone tells me how beneficial they can be, but to find one that takes my insurance and that is taking new patients is proving to be difficult. Also, the ones that fit the above criteria tend to come off a little kooky/flaky…as if they don’t have their s together themselves and I am wondering if I should even be speaking with such a person at all.

    Does anyone know what I mean? I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but I really would like to speak to someone who is experienced and wise, but the reality seems that therapists are just sheltered kooks who are less intelligent/competent than most people I know. What am I missing? Private pay?

    1. I think you’re missing that your snap judgments are probably wrong and just an excuse you’re making to not go.

      1. Well, one person didn’t show up for an appt, scolded me about how she told me she would not be in the office at that time…and when I showed her the card she wrote out…she did not apologize. Another asked me to e-mail her about what time I could come out of a selection, and then she did not send a final e-mail to confirm the agreed upon time or tell me where her office were located. Those seem like basic things any halfway together human would do. Get me?

        1. Yea, it sounds like you will have a hard time finding a therapist living up to your requirements. Shocking, considering your …. Tone.

          They are just people. Often busy. Often working independently, so running their own business as well. Some are less organized than they should be. And Patients are very demanding. Some therapists are good, some less so. Some click with you, and some don’t.

          Do you make sweeping generalizations about all groups of people in your life based upon almost zero information? Sounds like a good thing to discuss in therapy.

          3. Well, being depressed/anxious does not excuse you for being unreasonable. Sometimes a bit of tough love is needed.

            Posters below said pretty much exactly what I did.

          4. That isn’t tough love – you’re gaslighting her. No one needs to be told to accept a therapist who literally does not know how to keep appointments. (If a therapist can’t figure that out, then she needs to outsource it to someone who can.)

          6. You are telling her that she has mental problems because she believes business professionals should keep their appointments or issue an apology if they fail to do so. Yes, gaslighting.

          7. I don’t care so much that the appointment was missed. People make mistakes. But the fact that she didn’t think she needed to apologize. Should I be guided by a person like this?

            Should I be guided by someone who doesn’t realize that a Google address might not be accurate? That I may not know how to get in your building or where to park?

        2. Running a disorganized practice that impedes your ability to get care (and then being rude about it)is not acceptable. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean that scheduling difficulties/quirkiness indicate the therapist would be bad or a terrible fit for you when it came to the substance of therapy. I’m not saying you should go to someone who can’t keep an appointment, but don’t fall into the trap of thinking that the only good therapist is a Perfect Professional who is On Top Of Their Sh*t and has no problems or quirks. That’s not the marker of a good therapist. They’re people with imperfections and lives of their own. A good therapist is academically trained to help you work through your issues, not someone who has figured it all out and living a perfect life and thus qualified to lead others.

          It’s tough to find a great one… I had average ones in high school/grad school, and I have a great one now. The great one doesn’t take insurance, but thankfully I can afford it (or, I’ve decided I want to prioritize this and I’m lucky that I’m able to make that choice financially). I found her via a recommendation from a friend who was dealing with similar issues as me and who has a similar sense of humor as me. Therapist is a great fit for both of us. Honestly, if at all possible, prioritize fit instead of cost.

          1. Eh, I think there’s requiring “perfection” in one’s practice and then there’s simply the base level of keeping one’s calendar and appointments. No matter the professional, that’s just simply a base line in my book.

          2. Did you even read what I wrote? Or were you just looking for another excuse to be rude and disagree and add nothing of value? Come on. Here it is, one more time:

            “Running a disorganized practice that impedes your ability to get care (and then being rude about it)is not acceptable.”

            “I’m not saying you should go to someone who can’t keep an appointment, but don’t fall into the trap of thinking that the only good therapist is a Perfect Professional who is On Top Of Their Sh*t and has no problems or quirks.”

            Also, I wasn’t just talking about her reasonable desire to have someone be able to be organised with appointments- I was referring to OP’s apparent general desire to have her therapist be “together.”

          3. Therapists love to judge us on these criteria (they read all kinds of psychological significance into showing up late for appointment, no matter the circumstances). They should either at least hold themselves to the same standards, or show understanding (and, say, apologize) when they make the same mistakes.

    2. I think finding someone good who accepts insurance can be difficult in some locales. In NYC my quest to find a psychiatrist who accepts insurance failed, and I eventually just used one who didn’t. But for a therapist I could not have afforded that. I think you have to just keep trying, and keep in mind that great “running a business” skills are not necessarily the same skills that make someone a great therapist. You don’t have much to loose by giving people a shot, but you do ultimately need to trust the person’s competance.

      1. ” I think you have to just keep trying, and keep in mind that great “running a business” skills are not necessarily the same skills that make someone a great therapist.”

        +1000. Remember, neurosurgeons don’t handle medical billing themselves.

        Psychology Today has a feature that allows you to search by insurance provider.

    3. Your Employee Assistance Program can be a big help financially and finding someone organized enough to be a part of an EAP. And thank you so much to whomever gave similar advice on here a few years back- my awesome therapist made a huge difference.

    4. Where are you? I had a helluva time finding someone who took my insurance, took appointments on evenings and/or weekends, wasn’t trying to convert me to Christianity, and didn’t yell at me. I finally found someone who took my insurance… and then my insurance changed. I pay her out of pocket now, because she’s worth it.

      Can you ask your friends?

      I am not sure I recommend this approach, but what I ended up doing was staying with an ~okay~ therapist for about six months. TBH I wasn’t thrilled about her (I suspect she doesn’t really believe in science/vaccines?) but she was good enough to get my feet under me and then I was empowered to look for someone better. This started when I was kind of a disaster though — not sure if this only made sense because I just needed to be able to get up in the morning.

    5. Someone who is not good at managing their calendar can still bring expertise, skills and advice to the table to help you with the problems that prompted you to seek out a therapist. To some people scheduling frustrations are worth it to see a therapist who helps you, and to some people they are not. (For years I put up with an hour’s drive and dealing with terrible staff to see my family doctor because he was such a good doctor.) Give each therapist an appointment (ideally two, but I understand if you don’t want to sink the time in) before deciding to keep looking.

      1. Well, the thing is that I kind of want to go to therapy to learn how to be a more “together” person. I am trying to improve my career prospects and learn how to deal with difficult business situations (in the moment and emotionally). I guess I am looking in the wrong place.

        1. With your particular goals, I would look for career or executive coaching rather than therapy.

          1. Well, I think I need both. I have emotional…uh…”baggage”…from past experiences.

        2. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy really helped me with all that stuff. Try looking for someone who specializes in that.

          My therapist doesn’t take insurance but she does work on a sliding scale. She’s worth every penny.

    6. A little off topic, but I am AMAZED by the support and apologies in this thread for people who cannot keep an organized calendar or appointments. When did this not become a baseline requirement for adults?

      1. +1 I would hesitate to work with a professional who didn’t show up on time absent some compelling reason – I definitely would not work with a professional who scolded ME for HER mistake. Just say sorry? Re the lack of follow up – I shouldn’t have to take on the emotional labor of following up with you to confirm our appointment. It’s hard enough to start therapy without feeling like you’re pulling teeth to get in the office.

      2. +2.

        People are more harsh on the OP for wanting a therapist who can keep appointments than they were on the woman who cheated on her husband.

        I’m not making value judgements about either, but the *relative* level of angst directed at each is… problematic.

        1. The level of basic literacy on this s*te recently is what is problematic. Literally no one told her she was wrong for wanting a therapist who can keep appointments.

    7. I think if you’re dead set on therapy, you might need to be a little more open to the type of person you’re willing to see. It sounds like you have some personality clashes with the people you’ve seen so far, which is fine, but if that’s all that’s available to you, then that’s what you get. Or you might try one of those online / app services?

    8. “…but the reality seems that therapists are just sheltered kooks who are less intelligent/competent than most people I know.”

      Wow, some how I missed this the first time around. JFC. Some how I don’t think your terrible attitude came from a bad experience with appointment scheduling. Also, it’s a bit rich that you are someone who wants to seek professional mental health services who is using degrading language to describe other people’s mental health.

        1. +1

          THIS is what we are criticizing. Her sweeping judgements that are not appropriate.

      2. Well, there are more examples than the ones I have provided. It could be that all of the good ones were taken and not accepting new patients.

        I do have trouble seeing how someone who has never worked in a traditional office environment with its politics and everything else can guide me. I tend to see therapists more like free-thinking, artsy people who might not “fit in” elsewhere. That’s kind of what I think I need to get away from to “fit in” myself.

        1. There are different types of licensing but they all require a large investment in education, and practical hours to obtain and maintain a license. No one is going to embark on that effort just because they don’t “fit in elsewhere.” Also therapists advice people on all sorts of issues successfully without necessarily having experienced those issues themselves (marital infidelity, for just one random example.)

        2. It sort of sounds like you don’t really want to see a therapist, but maybe would rather have a life coach or mentor or get-a-grip friend or something like that, just from your attitude about it. Therapists don’t solve all your problems for you, they help you figure out how to solve your own problems (so not how you can win at office politics, but how you can figure out what you want from it, find a way to live with office politics or realize you need to get away from it).

        3. “I tend to see therapists more like free-thinking, artsy people who might not “fit in” elsewhere.”

          Right, well this is just stupid. My therapist has a PhD and did her post-doc work at a top research institution. Psychologists are actual professionals who study and apply clinically validated methodologies to help their patients. You’re thinking of someone who uses healing crystals, maybe? Sounds like you don’t even know what professional counseling is, and yet here you are knocking it.

          And for the last time, no one is telling OP to work with a therapist who can’t keep appointments.

          1. Well, those are the types of therapists that I have had in the past. I was in my late 20s…then very early 30s and felt like they were speaking to me as if I was 1o or more years younger. I wanted to learn how to face life as an adult, have an adult conversation, be spoken to as an adult. At the time, I looked and sounded very young so that may have played into it.

            The therapists I’m referring to here are not the ones who had trouble with the appointments. Maybe I do generalize. Maybe I judge too harshly. I suppose those can be topics…

    9. As far as private pay, that was the route I ended up going. My therapist was originally covered by my insurance, but when my insurance changed, she was no longer covered. I looked around, but I stayed with her because I liked her and had a good rapport, and as you said, it’s not easy finding a therapist you get along with and fits your needs.

      It was definitely expensive, since her rates changed a few times over the years I was with her, and I had to do a little scheduling juggling because of her availability.

      All that said, if you go the private pay route, a good therapist can be flexible on payment and work on a sliding scale. They know their job is to help you, not just take your money. A good therapist will also get back to you in a timely manner because you need help, and if they can’t help you (because they aren’t taking new patients or whatever), they let let you know ASAP.

      Good luck with your search!

  8. “they use them inside when it’s in the quote, outside when it’s added by the drafter.”

    This is correct.

  9. I’ve been back on Weight Watchers for a few months now and am now within 5-6 pounds of my goal weight. Yay me! I feel a LOT better and my clothes are fitting more comfortably — all good — but I’ve totally stalled out in terms of motivation to get to the end. I have achieved this weight loss slowly and sustainably, but mostly through watching what I eat (i.e. not exercising). What are your tips for getting through that last 4-6 weeks and making goal?

    1. Are you attending meetings? If not, consider starting as it’s free after you meet your goal weight if you weigh in once a month. Money is great maintenance motivator for me.

  10. Does anyone know if MM LaFleur adds items to its “last call” list when they are discontinuing items or coming out with a new version of it? I was about to buy another Woolf Jardigan when I noticed its on the “Last Call” page, I’d rather wait for the new one to come out if that’s the case.

    1. I don’t know the answer to your question, but try their customer service team, they’ll probably tell you.

  11. Can anyone recommend a Nordstrom Personal Shopper in Chicago? Or is it fine to be randomly paired with someone? I’m in my late 20s and LOVE my work wardrobe, but I feel absolutely frumptastic in my weekend clothes. Hoping a PS can help with that.

    1. My Chicago experience was not good. But I was paired with the wrong person. I was in my late 30’s and looking for structured workwear. My 20-something stylist brought me skinny jeans and flowy tops.

      My recommendation is visit the store and walk through the departments and choose the department that feels more like your style. Then when you request your personal shopper, be sure to mention that department as your ideal. Because when you arrive they will have pulled a bunch of looks mostly from that department, and the shopper is usually from that department.

    2. I tried two bad experiences in Chicago – for opposite but similar reasons as Anon1018. I’m an engineer and wear jeans to work every day, but both stylists kept bringing me silk shirts and wool trousers which aren’t practical for me.

    3. I’ve had fantastic experiences with Jessica Spencer at the Michigan Ave shop – I was paired with her randomly when I was trying to upgrade my work wardrobe, but since then I’ve come to depend on her for basically all my shopping needs. She is very sweet, incorporates feedback well, and is honest and low-pressure in her selling style. She has helped me overhaul my weekend wardrobe, and even though I’ve moved away from Chicago, I still work with her over email, particularly for special event shopping.

      I will note that a lot stylists tend to assume that their new clients are looking to upgrade, rather than update, their look, and that this assumption can lead to frustrating miscommunication – e.g. if you say “I wear jeans everyday” they may bring you wool trousers because they assume you’re looking to break out of a rut or elevate the formality of your work wardrobe, rather than just update your current looks. To avoid this, when the pre-appointment questionnaire asks you to describe your current wardrobe, make sure you also clearly note what you like/don’t like about it – this gives your stylist better information about where you might want minor updates versus major changes.

      Of course, some stylists are just bad listeners and try to sell the same look to all their clients, but Jessica has told me that the situation described above is a pretty common communication pitfall between stylists and new clients, so I thought I’d mention it!

      1. Just booked a styling session here in ATL to refresh my spring/summer wardrobe, so this is very helpful!

  12. I am hoping for some shopping assistance. I am MOH in a wedding in mid-June and am having trouble finding shoes to go with my dress, which is a long, shimmery gold with some peach undertones. The wedding ceremony is outdoors and the bride has no stipulations as to shoes. I was thinking of a wedge or sandle with a thick heel due to standing/walking on grass, but am having trouble with color and style to go with this dress. Will post link below. Thanks for any suggestions!

    3. There are a lot of cute block heels on zappos (I searched on “satin block heels” just to get started). I’d avoid the Nina brand FYI because every pair I’ve ever had has been super uncomfortable, like unwearable.

      1. I’ll offer a counter just because I’ve worn the Nina brand for two weddings (bridesmaid and my own) and I found them both super wearable, so I’m sure it depends on your foot (I’m 7.5, generally medium width with a slightly narrow heel).

      2. Hmm. This is definitely a case where it will vary by the person. My feet are hard to fit and I actually thought the Nina gold fabric heels I wore for my wedding were pretty comfortable.

    4. How about something in rose gold?

      https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/michael-michael-kors-lena-block-heel-sandal-women/4524259?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=ROSE%20GOLD

      https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/steve-madden-carrson-sandal-women/4995670?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=ROSEGOLD

      https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/jewel-badgley-mischka-hunt-glittery-wedge-sandal-women/4992932?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=ROSE%20GOLD

    5. I would avoid gold because it could clash with this dress. What about nude-for-you wedges?

  13. I have a MM LaFleur dress that is too big, and I’m thinking of selling. Where should I sell it to get the most money?

    3. Search FB for the bst group mentioned here before – I joined mostly to get reviews and it’s v active

    4. How big? I always go for tailoring if it’s reasonable to do so based on shape of the dress and how much it would need to be altered.

  14. Legal question: my mom sent me her will today. My youngest brother has legally changed his name, but the will lists his old name. Could this be a problem when we try to execute? This is obviously a sensitive issue for my mom so I haven’t addressed it with her.

    1. Was it his legal name when the will was made? If so, he could probably just provide evidence of legal name change when it is executed. If it wasn’t his legal name when the will was made, that’s trickier and may need to be addressed.

    2. Agree with the Anonymous above. If the will lists the name that was not his name at the time, the easiest thing to do would be to execute a codicil. Alternatively, it’s pretty easy to do a find-replace, and the estate planning attorney could simply re-do the will and have her sign it again. (The one caveat is that if any documents happen to reference that will, she would need to either execute the codicil or re-do several documents.)

    3. Thanks! I am pretty sure it was his legal name when the will was created but I will double-check.

    4. It shouldn’t matter. The Will simply needs to identify who the devise goes to; if everyone knows it’s him, no issue. It would be more of an issue if the wrong name is listed as a beneficiary on an account or other type of property. Even then, a simple affidavit of one and the same should do the trick. Generally, banks are tougher than fiduciaries or courts.

  15. Over the weekend, I had a fundraiser for my local political club. It was held at one of our member’s houses, and she and her husband helped majorly with setup and cleanup. I’m trying to think of what to give them as a thank-you. Last year, we gave them a card, dog treats, and a nice bottle of tequila. I don’t want to do flowers because the woman has a gorgeous garden with tons of flowers in it. Any ideas?

    1. I see no reason to do something different from last year if you think that was well received, but you could also do a fruit basket, or wine or something.

  16. Thanks to everyone who has chimed in on good places to eat in Columbia SC over the years. It has been very helpful!

    FWIW, the Vista is very nice for bars / restaurants / strolling. 5 Points is the college bar area (which seems to be a long way to stagger to or home from) but Mr. Friendlys is indeed a good restaurant in that area.

    I may have to back on a recruiting trip in the fall — appreciate any updated restaurant recs for a person who is past the bar crawl phase of life.

    1. If they are fresh: 1) put a paper towel behind the stain and blot any excess ink (and keep replacing paper towel as it gets saturated/dirty), 2) spray ink stain liberally with hairspray and blot quickly before the hairspray dries.

      If they aren’t fresh: my deepest condolences for your loss.

      1. Rubbing alcohol leaves less residue than hairspray – and it is the alcohol in the hairspray that is likely doing the work.

  18. Has anyone tried the Ann Taylor Pima cotton shirts lately? Wondering about general quality (for a 20$ price pt) and specifically about length and transparency.

    1. I love the scoop neck short sleeve ones. They are good quality and the perfect length. The white is a little more transparent than in past years, unfortunately, but all of the other colors (yes, I have all of them, I know I know…) are nice, thick, and opaque. The scoop neckline is not quite as deep as in past years, but I still like it.

      The v-neck version is cut much shorter and has a different hemline. It didn’t work for me at all, but the quality seemed good and the blue color I ordered was beautiful.

      I never buy anything from AT that I can’t get 30%-40% off, though.

    2. I recently received some and liked them. I thought the white was less transparent than others I’ve tried, but can’t compare it to past years of the same brand like the poster above. I decided to return all but one in a somewhat unique color because the shoulders didn’t seem to fit right. That might relax upon washing, but I wasn’t sure, and it might not be a problem in lower sizes. I had to buy up a size due to recent weight gain, and finding clothes that fit is just more difficult now.

      1. Fwiw, the shoulders were a little weird on me (almost pointy?) when I tried them on but completely fine after I washed them.

    4. This is not your question, but I bought the pima cotton t-shirt from l.l. bean and I love it – perfect length and looks as good as new after you wash it. I bought 2 others. If you buy them, size down for a more fitted look.

  19. I’m going to Lisbon and the Azores for 9 days later this month. Does anyone have shoe suggestions? I need something sturdy enough to walk on cobblestones but I’m at a loss. Ballet flats just won’t cut it! Ideally I’d like to be able to wear them with dresses and jeans.

    1. I would recommend some type of fashion sneaker. The blog Travel Fashion Girl has tons of posts about footwear to wear in different locations.

    2. You need to wear sneakers during the day and comfy sandals to dinner. No way around it.

  20. I just got my t-shirt from Universal Standard today, and as a cusp-sized person with broad shoulders, I am amazed by how well it fits. I think I’m in love – I feel so very polished. (I’m generally a size 12.)

  21. Any tips for dealing with a husband who can’t handle you having work trips? I’m in biglaw (senior associate) and the more senior I get the more I have had to travel. I usually only have to go for 1-2 nights (sometimes I don’t travel for months, and then like this month I have a trip every week), which I feel like is reasonable, but my husband is getting increasingly upset every time I go. We don’t have kids and he doesn’t work so it’s not like I’m leaving him with tons of responsibilities. I’m just tired of every time I say I have to leave for a trip that week getting all kinds of grief and drama from him about how awful I am for leaving him at home. It’s exhausting. I’m not looking to hear “leave him” (although that would be fair), just wondering if anyone has discovered a way to deal with this from a spouse and not get drawn into the emotional drama every time.

    1. Wait, he doesn’t work? And you don’t even have kids? You kind of buried the lede there.

      1. Except she didn’t ask for advice on her husband’s employment status. So why do you care?

        1. Because if he doesn’t work and doesn’t take care of kids then he shouldn’t be complaining that OP is (gasp) leaving him at home for a couple days.

        2. And that’s probably why he doesn’t want her leaving: he doesn’t have anything to do.

          1. This, he is bored which is probably making him latch on to you, so when you leave his whole world leaves. He needs to get a job/hobby/something to occupy his time. Also, a dog or cat may help in this circumstance. I live alone, and I can promise you I would be a horrible mess if I was left alone at home all day every day without some sort of company. This would only be exacerbated if I also didn’t have a job.

    2. Leave him because he’s a child? I mean, obviously. Have you said “I don’t want to hear it from you any more. This is my job. I like it, I’m good at it, and it provides for us. Of course I miss you when I’m gone, but I’m not going to put up with you being mean and insulting about me doing my job.” What does he say to that? Is he always a controlling jerk?

    3. Therapy? Couples counselling get suggested a lot but it seems like your only solution here. He is not being reasonable. If you had kids and he was carrying the childcare alone and you wouldn’t get on board with paying for more help, I could see some frustration. But he doesn’t work and complains that you leave him on his own for a few days? Not reasonable/rational.

      Does he have a history of anxiety or depression?

      1. That’s what I was thinking. Maybe he gets anxious about being alone? If that’s the case then he needs therapy for himself more than you need couples therapy.

      2. I agree that therapy would be helpful but I’m not sure about couples’ therapy, unless there’s more to the situation than OP has described. This sounds like a him-issue not really a couple-issue (like communication) so I’m not sure it’s that helpful for her to be there. In fact, her presence might actually be hurtful because he’ll feel ganged up on and/or like the therapist is taking her “side”. I’d probably suggest going with him to the first appointment to give the therapist both sides of the issue (and to make sure he goes) and then bow out after that unless the therapist thinks otherwise.

    4. Why doesn’t he work? Have you tried “stop being a jerk. I’m supporting this family. This is my job and I like it.”

    5. He doesn’t work. You don’t have kids. He complains when the job that supports the household sends you on work trips and acts like you (a) have control over this situation and (b) are taking a vacation.

      I suggest couple’s counseling, and, while I almost always tell people to stick out the marriage (absent abuse, adultery, abandonment), I don’t think your marriage is going to last. This could be my own perspective from seeing a friend who was in that situation, but he’s obviously not interested in being a partner.

    6. Does your husband have to travel for work or work late/early or be “on call” on weekends or make any other lifestyle compromises for his work? If so, discuss your work travel in the context of those so that he understands (and I can’t believe I’m typing this) that sometimes work interferes with us living our most perfect and preferred life. Does your husband rely on some way on the salary your biglaw job provides? If so, make it clear that your work travel is one of the reasons that salary makes it’s way into your bank account each month. If he won’t see reason, I think you can just say “I need you to stop telling me I’m awful every time I travel for work. My job requires me to travel, and that job is important to me and our family. You are capable of looking after yourself while I’m away, and I need you to focus on doing that rather than on emotionally manipulating me.”

      Also, try your best to connect and feed your relationship when you are at home (and I’d tell him that I was doing that so my effort didn’t go unnoticed, but YMMV). Encourage him to do things he enjoys while you are away, even if it just means cooking the curried lamb you maybe wouldn’t cook together or watching the things he’s saved to his Netflix account that you don’t like.

      1. Woah, I totally missed that your husband doesn’t work. I think the reasons that he’s at home all day would impact my advice very much.

    7. That sounds clinical, like depression and/or anxiety at work. It sounds like he really needs individual therapy . FWIW, my partner has an academic schedule and during the summer gets noticeable moody and less self-starting/ independent which seems illogical because free time should = fun, but it doesn’t always work like that for people.

      1. Interesting – my husband also works works an academic schedule and gets moody during his time off in the summer. It’s hard for me to relate, as I can think of a million things I’d do with a couple months off. But for him, I think the loss of structure and external validation, along with more time on his own is hard.

        1. Yep, my husband is a teacher and haaaates summer or really any school break. (He works other jobs during longer breaks but doesn’t realistically fill the entire summer.)

      2. Speaking as someone who made the leap from litigation to academia, summers are the worssstttt. I also thought I’d love the free time and be able to fill it with a million things but, honestly, once you get past the initial rush, it’s very, very hard to have that much time on your hands.

    8. It sounds to me like he needs more going on in his own life, so he’s not either a) so dependent on your company and lonely when you’re away; or b) possibly jealous of your opportunities to travel (work travel usually isn’t all that much fun in my experience, but he may imagine something more glamorous than the reality).

    9. I wonder why he is increasingly more irritated. Was the travel fine with him initially? Have you asked him why it bothers him? It’s not your job to solve whatever is bothering him, but it might be interesting/illuminating. Like if he says he gets bored…you could suggest he join a tennis league? Or a part-time volunteer gig, if full-time work isn’t available to him for some reason? Idk it’s weird to me that his frustration is increasing.

    10. Although I do agree with other posters (that drama would P me O, he should staahp!), I’ll comment from the other side. My husband is extremely, sometimes cloyingly, anxious about me when we’re apart. I very rarely travel for work, but on my one solo, longer-distance trip he was callibg the hotel in a panic while I wandered around Target looking for disposable razors with a dead phone battery.
      It helps me that I am 100% certain he is not trying to control me- if that’s your husband’s motivation, it’s a much bigger problem, which definitely points more towards counseling or splitting up, imho.
      I know he has anxiety issues, and I struggle to deal with the effects on our relationship. Sometimes I get so sick of dealing with it, I run out of patience and compassion, I just want to scream at him to see a damn therapist. But…right before I leave for a trip is not the time to do that, so I choose other times to focus on relationship work. Before a trip I focus on a broken record of, “I’m going to be fine- I’ll call you tonight/tomorrow- I need you to take good care of the dog”.
      I also just remind myself that it’s a him-thing, not a me-thing. That may sound callous, but it actually both makes my trips go more smoothly and frees up my emotional energy to be kind to him instead of reactive.

      2. +1. My brother had depression issues in the past and he hated it when his wife traveled (maybe still does). To her credit she didn’t let it stop her from the occasional trip, even occasional social weekends with her girlfriends. He basically had to suck it up and he did.

    11. Have you talked to him about this? Like in a moment of calm, not when you’re packing for a trip and he’s whining and you’re annoyed. Have you told him how much this is wearing on you?

    13. You definitely need to have a Serious Talk with him about this. My ex husband and a less demanding job and we had no kids. He hated that I traveled for work and complained about it often. It wore on me so much that I eventually decided to quit. After I quit, he told me that he didn’t want to be married anymore, and the years of resentment had essentially ruined the marriage for him and he didn’t think it was salvageable. I was luckily able to get my job back, and I love it. I’m sad that I almost gave it up. I don’t know that we’d still be married if we had those hard conversations earlier, but I do wish there had been at least some opportunity before it was too late to talk about it or see if there was another way to deal with the situation before it got to be a crisis.

      1. In my BigLaw world, that would be fine for a conference, but not if you’re traveling for client work.

      2. If he’s as needy as this post suggests he is, this sounds like a recipe for disaster. He will be encouraging OP to skip networking dinners and happy hours, etc. to hang out with him and that will negatively impact her career. I travel a lot with my husband when he goes on business trips, but I’m ok doing my own thing and just seeing him at night in the hotel room. Doesn’t sound like OP’s husband would be cool with that.

    15. Agree that it is time to have a talk about this when you are home, everyone is in good spirits. Why do you feel this way? It upsets me when you say these things…. Etc…

      It is worrying.

      And I am worried that he is not working, and why, and that if you divorce you will be paying alimony….

  22. What do you wear in Florida to theme parks in July? Caveat I’ll be 6 months pregnant, but I’m cool with not looking cute. (Current thought is whatever activewear fits + sneakers.)

    1. That’s exactly what you should wear. That’s what everyone wears. Shorts and sneakers.

    2. Shorts sneakers a T-shirt or tank, a hat, and sunscreen. And then you about die of the heat

    3. I suggest a cooling towel like Frogg Toggs chilly towel (I think that’s what it’s called).

    4. Florida, in July, while pregnant? You wear the coolest items of clothing you own. That ice vest someone mentioned the other day would not be overkill (I am only kind of exaggerating.)

      1. I’ll check into this ice vest.

        I’ll be there for a work conference (to which families are invited.) I’m going to hang by the hotel pool and attend the mandatory conference meetings while the husband takes the kids for the most part, but I’d like to put in a day at Disney and HP while we’re there. (Hotel/travel/meals are paid for and I get an excuse to stay in the AC for most of the time… it seemed like a good idea at the time? I’ll be sure to update ya’ll on how ridiculous it turns out.)

        1. I was there in early March 25 weeks pregnant. HP world was nice to see but there wasnt a lot to do there since I couldnt do any rides. I had a butter beer and rode the Hogwarts express from Diagon Alley to Hogsmeade. It was okay but mostly it was just shopping everywhere, which is great if you want those items, but I didnt. Its a long walk from entrance to HP and after walking there and back I had pretty severe swelling. I wore workout type capris and a very light t shirt and very supportive sneakers. It was probably only about 70 and not super humid. The ice vest and the cooling towel I would highly recommend. Had it been a bit warmer and had I not been surrounded by my co workers, I would have happily stayed by the pool in a swimsuit. I cant speak to Disney as I am not a Disney fan so I didnt go while I was in Orlando. FWIW though this is my first kid so Disney didnt appeal to me as an adult with no kids. I can see how fun it would be to share with kids though.

    5. Do you have to go? I’m that person that is always cold. I have a space heater in my office and sometimes use it in July. When I was pregnant I was constantly hot and wanted the room 5 degrees colder than everyone else. Florida in July while pregnant sounds beyond ghastly, unless you’re going to a beach, pool or water park.

    6. Yup, activewear. Definitely a sports br@ because regular ones are not comfortable when it’s hot a humid. Wear lots of sunscreen.

    7. Yup, activewear. Definitely a sports br@ because regular ones are not comfortable when it’s hot a humid. Wear lots of sunscreen.

    8. Sundress+ Sports bra. Ventilation in Florida in July is key. Or alternatively, wear whatever you want and stay in the air conditioning, coz 90F+ 90% humidity is horrid.

  23. I’m 6 months pregnant and suddenly none of my shoes fit. Has this happened to anyone else? If so, did you eventually go back to your former size or was it a permanent change?

    Along the same lines, can anyone recommend good flats for swollen pregnant feet? I hate to spend a ton of money buying new shoes at this point, but I need something law-firm-appropriate for the next 3 months.

    1. if it helps, my feet did swell with both pregnancy (and my ankles and calves – it was, um, “attractive”) but they went back down to the original size both times. It took a couple of weeks for me to shed the water weight (I couldn’t have worn heels out of hospital like the princess) but I did get to keep all my shoes!

      As for what I wore to work, I bought toms flats a size up and they worked (they stretch a bit).

    2. Never been pregnant, but according to the Internet, the change is often permanent. Find cute shoes that make you happy (both style and comfort).

      1. Happened to me and was a permanent change. Not the poofiness, but the change in shape and size.

    3. This happened to me, and it was a permanent change. Buy some shoes you like. Whether it’s permanent for you or not, wearing too-small shoes for 4 months will be miserable.

      1. Thanks. I’m definitely buying new shoes; I was just wondering whether it was likely permanent because I am trying to decide whether to spend my usual price range or try to get something cheaper to tide me over.

        1. I spent in my usual price range (which is $100-$150 and not $500 which makes it easier) and was very glad I did. I only bought 3 pairs though, you might wait and see before replacing your entire shoe wardrobe :P

    4. Yes, and sadly you might need those shoes forever – some peoples’ feet don’t go back. I would skip flats and get whatever moderate heel/wedge fits well from Nordstrom Rack (flats are hell on my feet.) I have a few pairs of kitten heels in 1/2 size up that are working for now, and I really like my low wedge cole haans.

    5. Permanent change for me but my feet settled somewhere between my previous size and the highest size I was during pregnancy when I had a lot of swelling so don’t buy a lot in pregnancy thinking that pregnant size will be your post-partum size.

    6. For my first kid, it was a temporary swelling. I got through it by wearing flip flops and ballet flats (in the snow). For my second kid, it was a permanent half-size change, I think because my arches dropped slightly and my feet flattened out. I had to get all new shoes, but I waited until ~3 months after childbirth to make sure it was truly permanent.

      I was in a finance firm that was moderately conservative, so ballet flats in black, navy, and dark brown worked as a temporary shoe for me. (Think Tory Burch kind, not Tieks kind) But I found that being visibly pregnant meant I could err on a slightly less conservative bent and no one would say anything – by 9 months I had gained 50+ pounds and was wearing sweater-blazers to try to look like a jacket, and got comments on how “pulled together” I looked “considering your state!” that I chose to believe were sincere.

    7. My feet got bigger by the end (say 8m?), but mostly just swollen (that is, I didn’t have to size up so much as wear sneakers more–fatter, not longer!). They went back to normal afterwards. I would buy a couple of cheaper pairs/wear sneakers if that works to tide you over and then shop for real after the baby is born.

    8. My shoe size didn’t change, but the tops of my feet and ankles were excessively swollen during my first pregnancy in 2015, so I couldn’t have anything that covered the tops of my feet. I bought four pairs of ballet flats from Target (the Shae and the Ona, which they still have). They were actually good enough quality that I wore them during the summers of 2016 and 2017, and this summer I need them because I’m pregnant and swollen again. They’re fine for business casual, but as Anon at 11:34 says, you’ll get a bit of a pass even if your office is more formal.

    9. My feet got bigger when I gained a lot of weight in college. I eventually lost it but the change was permanent. When I later was pregnant and gained 50 pounds they stayed the same size, albeit swollen at the end.

    10. You might want to look at flats that either have great arch support or have structure where you can add it. I have heard good things about Vionic but I dont have any. I wore some non supportive flats in early pregnancy and I now have terrible plantar faciatis in my right foot and the only shoe I can wear that gives me support and fits my swollen foot is a pair of Birkenstocks. I feel ridiculous. None of my current flats have room for a good arch support and now with the swelling they dont fit anyway. I am 34 weeks and so so so over it.

    11. I went up about a size when pregnant. It took over a year but my feet did shrink — to a half size below where I started ?!?!?. My mother’s feet never shrank.

    12. Consider putting on compression tights, socks, or hose in the morning when your feet are the smallest. (I think compression is actually encouraged during pregnancy, but I’ve never been pregnant so check with your doctor!)

    13. Yeah you’ll have to wait and see. I wore a 6 1/2 before I got pregnant.

      I wear an 7.5/8 ever since.

      Sorry. ;)

  24. Posting again for more responses. I volunteered to organize a meal delivery calendar for a friend’s wife who is going into surgery and will be out of commission for 2 months. I’m wondering if members of the hive have any tips, recommendations, advice? I think she will be recovering at home, which is not that far from my house. She has 2 young children.

    1. Dont be too specific. It’s extremely off putting to be asked to contribute and then told “no casseroles, fresh veggies only, must be delivered hot and ready to eat at 6pm.” Nope, Sorry, then you can get delivery.

    2. Use “takethemameal” to coordinate. You can sign up to bring a meal or just to send over thai food. You can remember the allergies and ages of their kids and add a side of egg rolls and sticky rice to the order. (And you can see what someone brought the day before so you avoid 5 days in a row of casseroles.)

      Have them put a cooler on their front step (or you go set it up for them) so people can drop off at any time of day. You can also offer to clean out their fridge and freezer to make room for any leftovers or additional drop offs. As organizer, it’s also nice to stop by every week or so to stock them up on paper plates and utensils, and offer to wash and return any dishes.

      1. Cooler on the front step is a great idea as it can also be used to return dishes when empty dishes are ready to go back.

      2. Oh, I said takethemameal which is nice, but I actually really like MealTrain better. I like the calendar view and it’s easier to sign up. But I also really like the update feature, where you (or the recipient) can post a quick update on how they’re doing. If someone cares enough to bring over a meal, they care about how things are progressing. Sending an update is a nice way to help meal-givers feel “in the loop” even if they’re just dropping off in a cooler and leaving. And it’s way easier to do a mass update on the site than have to try to text people you don’t know like their neighbors or elders from their church.

  25. My friend had plans to go to brunch with 2 other friends yesterday. One of them responded to the group message with “Who are you? How did you get my number?” The number was linked to her facebook account and my friend had texted her at that number before. My friend then texted her outside of the group chat and the girl said that she was too hungover for brunch. Anyone else think this is super sketchy?

    1. Not really seeing what’s so sketchy about it. Maybe she just didn’t add her as a contact?

    2. Not sketchy at all! I’d definitely try to find a way to avoid brunch with your friend since it sounds like the conversation would mostly revolve around gossiping about random text message interactions. I’d have to be pretty deep in the bottomless mimosas to care about this at all.

    4. Seems weird to me. Liz sends a group text to Mandy and Jill about brunch, Mandy replies “who are you?” and then when Liz sends Mandy a text just to her (no group text) she replies to Liz like obv she knows Liz and her phone number.

      I’m not sure I’d call that sketchy, but I’d certainly ask Mandy why she couldn’t tell the group text was from Liz. Maybe she had a phone glitch or was suuuuuuper hungover.

      1. Eh – all group texts from one relative come under a random number and make everyone else show up as their number even if they are saved in my phone. She doesn’t know how she did it and no one else does either but it’s infrequent enough that I haven’t researched further.

        The “how did you get my number” seems a bit weird but not sketchy. More like I would just assume they put a number similar to mine in wrong not that someone was nefariously stalking my phone number so they could text me a brunch invite.

      2. Yeah I’m totally not sure. The girl also said “This isn’t Mandy”… when no one had used names in the message prior to her saying that her name isn’t Mandy.

        3. Maybe someone else picked up her phone and thought it was funny to text you that.
          Maybe she was hungover like she said she was and her brain hadn’t caught up to whatever you were texting about.
          Maybe she got your group message mixed up with a different message.
          I’m not really sure what you think happened? I would assume that it was some kind of misfire.

    5. Umm, no. Sounds some like weird phone issue. And being too hungover for brunch isn’t sketchy . . .

      1. Didn’t have issue with the hangover part. It just seemed weird that she said that it’s the wrong number when we all have texted her at that number before. You guys are right though, it’s a slow day.

  26. Thank you for the great suggestions last week in response to my post about feeling frumpy. Thanks @Legally Brunette for recommending Tanesha Aswathi’s blog – gorgeous. @Rainbow Hair – your questions really helped me focus my thoughts.

    And to the troll: Suggesting that I lose weight and/or wear less make-up? Please lolz. Bad enough to be a troll; even worse to be bad at it.

    Happy Monday, folks!

  27. Anyone here have a small vacation/seasonal rental? What should someone know about buying a place with this dual purpose in mind? I’m an experienced landlord and property owner, but not for either a seasonal rental or a vacation home.

    1. I have one. About 18 months ago we bought a beach house about 5 hours away from our home. That location is very seasonal so it’s booked pretty solid over the summer and sporadically at other times, which is when we go there.

      You have to be aware of the rules around deducting losses from vacation rentals based on the number of days you use it for personal reasons, and the need to split the deductions such as mortgage interest and taxes between vacation/second home and rental property.

      We use a property management company and they handle everything including checking guests in and out, dealing with things that come up during stays, cleaning, linens, hotel taxes, everything. They do a lot of marketing as well. They charge a 20% commission and it is absolutely worth it forus.

    2. We do. I agree with baseballfan’s comments – we also use a property manager that handles everything. We love having it, but it’s a slightly different proposition than a pure investment. We bought in the CA wine country (so values will go up over time) but we don’t make as much off it being a vacation rental as we might if it was a FT rental. That said, we love having a weekend place in the country (I’d recommend getting one in a place you really like to spend time). I also cannot imagine doing it without a property manager or a good accountant (there’s a ton of rules around it that are far better handled by a professional). Things to be aware of are the local sentiment toward vacation rentals – we are in an area that has always been a vacation destination & there is still a lot of local resentment (it’s tempered by the business climate there though) & any local restrictions and permitting issues. It’s great overall though – highly recommend.

    3. Agree with all of the above. This might seem obvious, but check the rental restrictions in the city where you plan to purchase property. Lots of cities are cracking down on short-term rentals in the AirBnB space and creating regulations that only allow for 30d rentals, etc.

  28. Jumping on the ‘I’m 6 months pregnant and need clothing advice’ bandwagon this morning. I’m heading to Toronto for a work trip this week and the weather will be in the 40s and 50s. Would you go with a navy wool coat or a lined khaki trench coat? Both are the same length; the wool coat no longer buttons because…I’m 6 months pregnant. The trench at least ties so I can wrap it around myself and tie it, even if it’s not buttoned. Will be in a conference most of the time, but foresee needing to step out for meals, errands, etc. I don’t want to check baggage on my flights, so am limiting myself to one coat. WWYD?

    1. Trench for sure! The weather should be nice – not hot but not cold and at worst a little rainy. You might want to bring an umbrella. You’ll be sweating in a wool coat. I just packed all our winter coats away, including my wool one (also in Toronto, also pregnant with a wool coat that no longer buttons!).

    2. I think this very much depends on how cold/warm you run and what kind of temperatures you’re used to. When the summer transitions to fall, I break out a wool coat for 40s and 50s. But when the temperatures transition from a cold winter to spring time, the 40s and 50s feel balmy and I would wear a lighter coat with a sweater.

    3. Trench coat (especially if it has a hood) if anything at all. I live in Toronto and today I just wore my suit blazer without an outerwear piece.

    4. Thanks all! I run pretty hot when moving, so it sounds like the trench (plus a scarf if need be) will be plenty.

  29. Does anyone have those blue light computer glasses you can buy off amaz0n? Curious if you think they work, and if you have a link to the ones you bought.

    1. I have a pair of the Pixel glasses, and I do think they help significantly with eye fatigue. I don’t wear them any longer because I now need *real* glasses (Thanks, middle age!) but I think they were helpful when I wore them.

    2. I bought the cheapest ones I could find about 2 years ago. I wear them whenever I work on the computer and they cut my migraines from 3-4 per month to 3-4 per year. Highly recommend them!

    3. I have a pair of Gunnars with tinted instead of their clear-look lenses. I like them, they also slightly magnify the screen. I look like a huge d0uche when I wear them, granted, but I work from home.

    4. Felix gray – the tinting is less noticeable and they generally look more like regular glasses. I thought they helped a little but due to long hours/inconsistent use I’m not the best judge for this.

    5. Did you also hear the thing about computer screens possibly contributing to macular degeneration? Scary.

    6. I use f.lux to block blue light on my monitor and it helps a lot with eyestrain and headaches. It’s free!

      1. I love f.lux. I even have it on the computer that’s hooked up to the TV, so I can watch movies at night more comfortably.

  30. How do you explain why you did something without “sounding defensive”? The client’s e-mail and phone call suggested he wanted a certain deliverable that included X term and I sent him exactly that, but he was actually wanting the same deliverable but with Y term instead. Once client saw X and said, “Where’s Y”, I changed the deliverable to have Y instead of X and sent it to him within the hour. He then wanted to talk about it and I apologized, took responsibility, but also pointed out what he said previously that made me conclude he wanted X by way of explanation because he was clearly unhappy about it (even though by this time, it had been fixed). I thought I was being sincere and apologetic. He sent a long e-mail to my partner saying that he had spoken with me on the phone and I was being defensive. So, what should I have done? Just apologized and fallen on my sword and not said anything about why the deliverable had X term in it? Is it possible to defend yourself without being called “defensive”?

    1. Meh, we are in a client services industry so our opportunities to defend ourselves are few and far between. I’d probably only do it if I was concerned about the client’s impression of my work (i.e. explain what happened if I was concerned he might not hire me again). Otherwise, I would apologize, etc. and if he was still upset ask if there is anything I could do to make it right, and then consider doing what he wanted (which would probably involve a discount on his bill if your clients are similar to mine).

      I just realized I presumed you were a lawyer, but even if you are not, this may still be true.

    2. I think the longer an explanation is the more likely it is to sound defensive. I would say, “I’m sorry for the mistake, I misunderstood your initial request.” Don’t say anything else, including why you thought it was confusing, etc.

    3. Say it once. State facts. Do not get emotional.
      There is a book about how to have Critical Conversations. It might be called that. Red and white cover, I believe. Helpful for workplace interactions. We had to read it at a firm I was at.

    4. Your description of your explanation sounds defensive. A couple of things to think about in the future:
      1. If someone says something that makes you think they want X, but they don’t explicitly say they want X, confirm it with them instead of assuming. It sounds like something got lost in translation here – and I do think that’s on you (sorry) because you’re the one providing the deliverable. More communication on the front end might’ve prevented this issue.
      2. After the fact, use it as a teaching moment/highlight your skills/add value (if you can). “When we initially spoke, you mentioned you wanted ABC, which X will give you. But if you also want DEF then Y is the better choice. Let’s talk about which option works best for what you want to achieve.” I’ve used this approach many times with success. It shows that you’re thinking critically about their objectives and not just blindly following orders.

    5. I must be defensive too then because I would have handled it similar to you. I probably would have played dumb and wrote back asking for clarification, attaching the two emails. I would have said something like “Hi, I just want to clarify what you are requesting that I do. In email A you requested A and in email B you requested B. Are you looking for both? If so, no problem.”

      1. I would call – I often interact with people who don’t use email all day every day like me (ie retirees) and it helps to get on the phone.

  31. Would love if Jewish ‘rettes could weigh in…. my SO and I are vaguely planning a trip to Europe and I would like to include Paris as a destination. We are both distinctly Jewish. This did not concern me but his family was saying that antisemitism in France is currently so strong we shouldn’t even consider going there. Is this really something to be concerned about? My SO is super concerned about it and doesn’t want to go to Paris (he has never been!). I went to Paris in 2006 and antisemitism was not even a thought for me (nor is it basically ever).

    1. Not Jewish but DH is French so we follow the news there a fair bit. Unfortunately there has been an increase in antisemitism in recent years. Vanity Fair had a good article a year or so ago if you are looking for an article that gets into some of the issues.

      That said, if it is a typical first time in Paris trip destinations like Eiffel Tour, Notre Dame, Louve,…, you will probably not have any issues. Make sure you know where you are going when you travel in the city so you don’t miss a metro stop or two and accidentially end up in a neighborhood that you don’t want to be in.

      1. I’m from Paris, lived there for 20 years and travel there every year (family still lives there). I am not Jewish but went to a high school where 70% of the population was, so most of my closest friends are. While there unfortunately has been a rise in antisemitism in recent years and I am in no way trying to minimise how horrific this is, there are lots of jewish people in France living their lives, particularly in Paris (which is where most of the jews of France live and not where most of the hate crimes have happened) and I can’t help but feel like I don’t really recognize the situation described in the American media on this. I am not sure what you mean by distinctly jewish but will warn that hassidic jews are not common in France and may result in some staring and discomfort. Other than that, I really don’t think this is a concern, particularly not in touristy areas. Use normal caution like you would in any foreign city.

        1. By distinctly jewish, I mean…(and I realize this is not PC) but we look Jewish and have Jewish names. I know a lot of people will say you can’t “look” Jewish, but I personally disagree.

    2. I’m Jewish. I went to Paris last year and didn’t detect any antisemitism. My parents, however, talk about it all the time and actually cancelled their plans to spend 3 months there this winter. I have a feeling this fear of antisemitism is coming from some of their news sources. My mom spouts some crazy stuff– they’ll shout at you and chase you out of restaurants! Homes have been vandalized! People killed! No clue where she’s getting this. Maybe my mom is reading the same articles as your family? I don’t consider myself to be an expert on European politics/current events, but I follow legitimate non-U.S. news sources. I haven’t seen any coverage of this stuff.

      My anecdata is relevant to the extent that my trip was not at all “Jewish”–I didn’t go to any Jewish historical sites and my appearance doesn’t give any indication of faith– no israel t-shirts or star of david necklace. I can’t speak to what your experience in Paris would be if your Jewish identity is more prominent or if you are seeking to go to synagogue.

    3. DH and I are both Jewish. I don’t look obviously Jewish but he does, to the point that strangers regularly ask him if he is. We have traveled to Paris many times and we love the city. We have never experienced overt anti-Semitism there. We have gotten more weird looks and awkward comments when traveling in the American South (although even there we have never felt unsafe, just kind of awkward like we are a novelty to some people). Definitely don’t miss Paris for this reason.

    5. I am Jewish, husband is not. I’d consider a tour or group tour that focuses on Jewish history, or getting in touch with a synagogue or local chapter of a Jewish group like Hadassah, or even the Israeli consulate there.

      I don’t think people will assume that you are Jewish, even with a Jewish name or Seinfeld-like appearance. I think you will read as “American”. That may or may not have its own troubles…

      1. I am not Jewish. DH is. We went to Paris during our honeymoon in summer 2016, so about 6 months after the big attacks they had in 2015. We did not have any issues. My husband also looks very Jewish, but I don’t think this ever came up in Paris. We actually had quite a few people assume we were Spanish or from South America (we have both gotten this in the U.S. too occasionally) but nothing else. I really don’t think anyone is going to assume you are Jewish just based on physical appearance.

        I would echo the other readers though that have said that this really is going to depend clothing. I had done a lot of research on this before we went, and most of the anti-semitism has been targeted at men wearing kippahs or some sort of visible piece of clothing that made it obvious they were Jewish. I would maybe be a little more cautious if that is the case with y’all, but otherwise, I would say don’t worry about it. Paris is wonderful!

      2. “Seinfeld like appearance” lol. This is a good way of saying what I was getting at with “distinctly Jewish”, we aren’t even devout, there is just no hiding our backgrounds with our names and faces. The fear is basically that we will be attacked for these reasons. I personally never really believed it but it was quite jarring to have a room full of educated, well-traveled folks warn me to leave Paris off my itinerary.

        1. Without a kippah or star of david, you might be surprised what people assume you ‘are’. I’ve been asked if I was Greek, Brazilian, and Lebanese when traveling in western Europe.

    6. I would never ever move to Paris (or France, or Europe, frankly), as a Jew. There has been a rise in anti-Semitism and a rise in violent attacks against Jews. However, as tourists I think you’re totally safe – even as a visibly Jewish family I wouldn’t hesitate to tour Paris or France. Unless you’re speaking more from overall concern about “is the state doing enough to protect its Jewish citizens”/more of a moral boycott, I don’t think there’s any reason not to visit. (To be clear I’m not advocating for a tourist boycott of France – just saying if that’s your reason then it’s different from direct physical safety.)

  32. Has anyone ever tried the Clean Program? It’s like an elimination diet / Whole 30, except you can eat beans/legumes. I’ve been reading reviews online, but would appreciate other insights. Thanks!

  33. I missed the Weekend thread but I wanted to recommend the Zinus Memory Foam 12 Inch Green Tea Mattress – you can get it on Amazon and it has been great. It’s a Casper/Leesa style mattress for a fraction of the cost

    1. I have this one too. The other people I know who have it like it more than I do (including DH). I used to sleep on a hard flat cotton futon, so I think I’m not used to the surface feeling of foam–though I will say it’s supportive. I bought it as an interim mattress, anticipating a future upgrade, but now I’m realizing I’d have to spend quite a lot more to upgrade. (My dream mattress is an Aireloom, so maybe I’ll sleep on the Zinus long enough to split the difference!)

  34. Bought a house but am not ready to move into it yet so plan to rent it out. To those of you who have done, have you hired property managers? Done it yourself? The house is only a year old so I don’t expect a lot of issues, but I work a lot, have sole custody of my kids, and don’t really want to deal with it. Guess that sort of answers my question! Any hints or tips for this soon to be landlord?

    1. Hire a property manager. Mine charged 10% of the rent per month and was so worth me never having to think about it and I don’t have kids or work more than 40 hours a week.

    1. I used it for awhile. It was… fine. If you’re looking to purchase anyway, it’s a good deal and not a bad product. But I wouldn’t drop everything to go out and buy necessarily.

    2. I have tried StriVectin before and I just don’t like any of their products.

  36. Has anyone tried the Uniqlo bra tops? How do they fit? I don’t have a particularly weird bra size but have found in the past that the bra tops assume my boobs end about 2 inches south of where they really do. However Uniqlo seems to be sized a bit on the petite side – anyone try?

    1. I have two of the bra top dresses. I’m on the small-side, so they gives me a little bit of a boost, if you will, but I ordered based on the size guide. I find that it sits where it should, no sagging or extra space.

      Bonus, I’ve had both for about a year, and there hasn’t been any noticeable stretching.

    2. Hi – I’m a 32DDD/32EE/32F (same measurements, different sizes by brand) and I wear the M and it’s fine for casual wear (I usually wear it as “home clothes” and once in a while to the Whole Foods/pharmacy around the corner). I’m 5’6″ and 135-145lbs (really fluctuate a lot) if that helps as well. I’m a huge fan – I wear the lighter color I have (light grey) at home more, the material is thin enough and I’m busty enough that you can see the inner bra seams. And have a black dress I wear out on quick errands sometimes. They’re so great in the summer when you don’t want to be sweating in a real bra. A size L would be way too big for me in other ways and not supportive.

  37. I am a heels girl – just never feel put together at work unless I’m in a sheath dress and heels or slacks and heels (business professional office setting). Flats just make me feel a bit frumpy.

    But…I was just diagnosed with a sacral stress fracture (excessive marathon training cycles). So no heels for a few months. Any recommendations for some comfort shoes that don’t look orthopedic? Because really, I sorta need the orthopedic ones for the cushioning while my bones heal, but I’d sure love it if there were CUTE orthopedic ones (or at least less ugly ones)…

    2. Sofft and Born have cute stuff and they’re a comfort brand. I have a pair of Dr. Scholl’s black leather flats from Nordstrom and they look like normal non-orthotic shoes. Maybe also look into an insole? I got superfeet on rec’s here and they’ve worked great so far. They sell them in my local running store but you can also order online.

    3. If I were you, I would wear sneakers, full stop. Like actual supportive sneakers, not the rose gold glitter wannabe sneakers that are just as bad for your feet as ballet flats are. These are your bones we’re talking about here!

      1. +1

        If you must wear flats, maybe consider Dansko or something similar. Their ballet flats really are not clunky looking like their clogs. They’re not exactly fashion forward, but I don’t think they’re hideous. And, I mean, you have a broken foot …

        https://www.dansko.com/womens-shoes-flats

      2. +1

        A stress fracture is a reasonable cause for “frump”. I would be in the most supportive or correct shoes so I could heal properly and get back to normal. We’re talking like 6-8 weeks, right?

      3. Girl, where you been? I mean, basically every sneaker company (Nike, Puma, New Balance, even Dansko!) has gold/glitter sneakers these days.

    5. I like heels too, but flats are a more youthful and on-trend look right now anyway. Vionic, Nurture, and Sofft are all “comfy” brands that might have something modern looking. Deconstructed, point-toe loafers are everywhere if that would work with your wardrobe.

  38. Based on the recommendations here, I bought the Biore watery essence sunscreen about 4 months ago. That first tube lasted me till now and I LOVED it SO MUCH. I had since bought a 3 pack and just got into the first one from that order. Well – it made me break out :*( I have super sensitive skin that’s reactive to even many of the kids sunscreens. This was literally the first one with NO issues and I am so sad. Can anyone comment – how do I find the correct formulation again? I see there are the 2016 and 2017 versions. The first tube was not labeled. The second order dets disappeared from Amazon but I vaguely remember picking the most recent version. Order 2016 and see if that works? What to do when that’s all gone and they don’t sell the old one any more? Are there other Holy Grail sunscreens I can try?

    THANK YOU!

    1. I just started using (maybe 2 weeks ago) Clinique Pep Start Daily UV protector, which I think is a mineral sunscreen and may be less irritating to sensitive skin (that’s why I started using mineral – not breakouts but rosacea). I really like it and its super lightweight. Didn’t make my eyes water like a lot of other sunscreens do.

    2. You are correct there are 2017 and 2016 versions, lots of people are unhappy with the 2017 version (though personally I can hardly notice the difference). The 2017 version is water-resistant and like a navy blue bottle and the 2016 one is more of a light blue. You might want to try different versions of Biore sunscreen, like the Watery Gel and the Perfect Face Milk (I would recommend this one if you are oily). If you are on the dry side a good asian spf is Shiseido Senka Aging Care. Another one that is often recommended but I haven’t personally tried is Missha All Around Safeblock.

    3. Do you know what ingredient it is that broke you out? I would start by comparing the lists to see if you can narrow it down. Then you have something to avoid in future purchases.

      I use the Nivea Sun Protect Water Gel Super. It has a similar consistency to the Biore, so maybe check that one out.

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