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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 212 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Something on your mind? Chat about it here. Denim shorts for the weekend can really be hit or miss, so I was intrigued to see that this pair has a solid 5-star rating at Nordstrom with 29 reviews. The shorts are available in a ton of different washes, all with Hudson's signature pointed pocket detail in the back, in sizes 23–32. ‘Croxley' Cuffed Denim Shorts Looking for something in larger sizes? These shorts have pretty decent ratings and go up to a size 18, and these go up to a size 24W. (Here's our discussion last year on how to wear shorts as an adult, with a sleeker style than you may have had as a kid.) This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

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Comments

  1. Pretty Primadonna

    The wide waistband makes it a no for me. Cute otherwise, though. Happy Friday!

    • Elegant Giraffe

      I have the Caslon version of these – cheaper and are holding up well.

  2. Anonymous

    So apparently the VPs office also has a doctor assigned to them thru the military. Pence’s dr just resigned. She’s a WOMAN?! How is Mike allowed to be in a room with her? Does his wife have to attend? How could she possibly be allowed to do any “sensitive” exam?! Too many questions . . . .

    • Anon

      Are you actually serious?

      Pence’s stance has NEVER been that he’s too tempted by a woman to ever be alone with them. His stance is (1) sotto voce, it only takes one accusation to bring down someone powerful, and while most women are completely honest and wouldn’t misrepresent something, he does not want to take that chance; and (2) developing personal relationships in a one-on-one environment can be a first step in adultery.

      Everyone loves to pretend that he’s saying something different, because then they have to look long and hard at themselves. Like that poster from yesterday who “just happened” to get drunk and cheat on her husband. Pence is more risk-averse, but the end result is… he’ll miss out on drunken one-on-one time with women half his age. Wow, so horrible.

      • Anon

        And your point is? No one is making a statement on his temptations. He made a statement regarding one on ones with women. Point blank. It’s sexist, and far more likely than not the reason the doctor resigned – she couldn’t serve her patient adequately because of his personal beliefs.

      • Baconpancakes

        I don’t know about you, but I tend to have a pretty personal relationship with my doctor, in which I discuss everything from my personal, stress-related struggles to my sex life. So by the argument you’re presenting, the relationship I have with my doctor is the first step in cheating on my SO?

      • Eh

        The end result is not that “he’ll miss out on drunken one-on-one time with women half his age.” Actually, the end result is women half his age miss out on mentoring opportunities.

      • Anna

        Pence comes from a strong religious upbringing where it is improper to disrobe in front of any other woman than his spouse. If all men shared his belief, there would be no #metoo movement as men would be honorable and not look to women as outlets for their members.

    • Metallica

      I just thought it was someone in the military had a good sense of humor…

  3. Anon

    A co-worker has put in her notice, but I guess it was supposed to be a secret. I heard from someone else and when I ran into co-worker later, wished her best of luck, etc. Co-worker was horrified and said it was supposed to be a secret and had guessed who had told me (she hadn’t told that many people). I feel like such a jerk now. I’ve apologized to co-worker that is leaving as well as the person who initially told me (who did not tell me it was a secret and did not know herself it was a secret). Anything else I can do to smooth this over?

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t worry about it. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect something like that to be a secret to begin with. Once you tell one person, they tell one person, and before you know it…

      • Anon

        +1. Not a reasonable request, and you weren’t told it was a secret. Nothing for you to smooth over.

      • Anonymous

        +1 – Job searching is something you keep quiet, not the fact that you are leaving. That’s a weird thing to be upset about.

      • Anon

        I’ve asked to keep it a secret for a day or two to give myself the opportunity to tell people I am close with in person, but if she didn’t ask to keep it a secret you couldn’t have known. Apologize as nicely as possible and move on.

    • Anon

      That’s a weird thing to keep secret. Eventually people will notice you’re gone!

      Sounds like the coworker is stressed and maybe taking it out in unhelpful ways. You weren’t a jerk.

  4. Mattress?

    Anyone bought a mattress recently? I’m intrigued by the online options – Helix, etc. – or maybe Costco? I’m just generally overwhelmed by all the options.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      I bought one from IKEA, I think a little less than a year ago. We went to the store and lay down on every mattress (there were only ~8, and a couple we rejected after 5 seconds, so this didn’t take very long), and bought the one we liked best (which was also the second-cheapest). I don’t know enough about mattress terminology and features to shop online, and we were pretty confident we’d find one at IKEA we could afford.

      In my opinion, buying a mattress is one of those tasks that can become as complicated as you let it, without necessarily getting you a better outcome, so it’s better just arbitrarily restrict the field from the beginning.

    • Anonymous

      Bought a Casper (the traditional one that they have – not their newer top end one – I think it’s called just the “Casper”) and it is incredible. I have a hard time sleeping/falling asleep/staying asleep in general and the mattress has helped so much. Highly, highly recommend.

      We also got their “box spring” replacement and that has worked out as well. My husband purchased one of the casper pillows and he really likes that.

      • Anon

        +2. We tried the Leesa and sent it back (too soft) and got the Casper instead. It’s been great for 3+ years now.

      • Leah

        I’ve heard that Casper runs really hot. Can you confirm/deny? I sweat like a racehorse during the night.

    • grapefruit

      I dig my Leesa. It’s probably a little softer than I’d like if I were picking out THE perfect mattress, but I believe it was less than $1,000 for a king (which was about $900 cheaper than the one in the store that I liked) so no real complaints.

    • Elegant Giraffe

      We’ve had a Helix for about a year! We liked that there was some level of customization, and we sleep well on it. My only complaint – all those online mattress sites have a 100 day guarantee – no charge if you change your mind within 100 days. So when I asked Helix about the logistics of that, they replied that if we didn’t like the mattress, they’d refund us and we should consider the mattress a “gift.” They said perhaps we could donate it to someone in need. So basically – it would have been our problem to figure out how to dispose of a king sized mattress.

    • IHHtown.

      Tuft & Needle worked well for me. A little on the firm side, but with a pillowtop mattress topper bought from a department store, it is perfect.

    • Sunshine

      We’ve had a Helix for a couple months and really love it. The ability to customize both sides was great since I like it a little softer. The big plus is the lack of motion transfer; the difference was shocking from our old innerspring mattress. We’re using both the Helix mattress and foundation.

      As another option, my friends bought a Puffy and they’re loving it. Seems like many of the online retailers are worth checking out.

    • NYCer

      Sorry for the late response, but I have purchased two mattresses from Costco (the same mattress twice…for different bedrooms). It is really comfortable! Easy delivery, popped out of the box without much difficulty, etc.

  5. Meg March

    Looking for a dress for my best friend’s wedding. I’m not a bridesmaid exactly, but I’ll be in the formal photos and will be walking down the aisle, so, uh, almost a bridesmaid? (long story of family politics that my friend decided to sidestep by having no bridal party). My friend has said I should wear whatever I want. The wedding colors are burgundy and navy, with lots of ivory and blush accents. The wedding will be outside in August. I got the idea in my head that I’d love a flowy burgundy floral dress. This is, perhaps unsurprisingly, hard to find. Anyone have a slow Friday and wants to vicariously shop for me? Budget is around $200.

  6. Dealing With Micromanager

    I work as an analyst in a government job. My boss has lots of kids and was a single parent for a while, so she frequently took time off work, worked from home, or sometimes just didn’t show up for work at all. The rest of us would cover for her as much as we could.

    She is now being formally disciplined, and I think her attendance issues are part of the reason. All of us are in the office during regular work hours. But she is now enforcing some Draconian attendance policies, such as requiring supervisor approval for taking our lunch break at a different time than usual, attending offsite meetings or trainings, etc. We are expected to be signed in to Skype throughout the day (so she knows we are at our desk), and have to indicate times when we are away from our desk for extended periods on or Outlook calendar, even impromptu meetings, so that she can ask about them later.

    These rules sound extreme to us. I am not aware that anyone in our office has had attendance issues (other than my boss). There may be some people whose performance is slipping, but I don’t think this is the way to address it. I am a top performer so I know these rules aren’t directed at me. Should I speak up, or keep my mouth shut?

    • Anonymous

      Doesn’t sound that unusual to me. Also in a govt job and expectations are similar. I tell my assistant where I am going if I’m somewhere else on the floor, carry my BB all the time, and expectation is to notify supervisor if out of office during work hours. Lunchtime is interpreted broadly as an hour between 11:30-2:30 but if you’re taking lunch at 3:30-4:30 there would be an expectation to tell supervisor so they know where you are if you are needed.

      Given the situation, I wouldn’t make waves. It’s not a big deal to give your supervisor a head’s up and confirm it’s okay for changes to usual work routine like trainings or lunch at odd time.

    • Anon

      I think it’s unusual, and especially so given the sudden change. Do you think the discipline against your boss will ultimately result in her leaving? If so, I’d probably just put up with it for now.

      • Ellen

        We had this issue with Mason. He was often NOT to be found, and when he was, he was NOT suposed to be there. So we told him a few times that he needs to let us know if he was goeing to be away from his desk, and where, and for how long, but he never did. The time we found him on the conference room table on top of Lynn was another time we could not find him (or Lynn). I think in circumstances like these, the whole office gets punished for the acts of the one person who messes things up. In our office, the manageing partner told all the rest of us we must let him know where we are at all times, except Frank, who rarely goes anywhere but the toilet, but he stays in there for an hour at a time. We can always send someone in there after him if we need him, but we usueally do NOT. FOOEY!

    • anon

      It sounds like your boss is being disciplined for a lax management style, and she thinks this is what she needs to do to keep a tighter rein on things.

    • Anonymous

      The lunch break thing is unusual, but the rest is normal. I’d think it was weird if my coworkers didn’t sign in to Skype or block out their away times on their calendars, to be honest. If that stuff isn’t tracked anywhere, how can you communicate effectively or set up meetings? How would you attend trainings or conferences without approval for anyone – who pays for that? Not sure about government directly, but as a contractor my manager needs to know about our schedules for auditing reasons. I imagine she is also required to know about your team’s day to day activities and that may be a factor in her stepping up on this stuff.

    • Anon

      I bet that your manager is being asked to do these things (because her attendance is terrible), and therefore, she’s imposing them on her team (because she can inflict the same pain on all of you that is being inflicted on her, even though hers is justified).

      I wouldn’t be surprised if she had listed “offsite meetings” as time spent taking her kids to the doctor’s, or would claim to be in the office when she wasn’t, or would leave during the day to run errands.

      • S in Chicago

        I 100 percent bet your right on the “offsite meeting” thing being part of the attendance abuse. But I also a potential other twist on this: I wouldn’t assume it’s her deciding to inflict pain on to all the staff. I’m sure she is being asked to report on what she’s doing and her boss may have asked her to have all her reports do the same–mainly to keep her from saying she’s doing things with you guys when she isn’t or to catch a discrepancy in how meetings typically had been going.

        When I worked at an outsource firm our client would often tell her home office that she was doing things with us or at our office when she was really out making Target runs with her kids or going to the pool or whatever else wasn’t work. (Miserable–we could never track her down for approvals and any of her edits always came in during evenings.) I was so naive and early in my career at the time that I didn’t realize she was doing this and giving everyone at the home office the mistaken impression that we “needed to be managed closely.”

  7. Lana Del Raygun

    Wwaaaarghhh it’s hot and humid now! My big to-do for this evening is to order a huge pile of linen shirts from Uniqlo. Any other recommendations around that price point?

  8. Pregnant and fired

    A good friend of mine has had a very difficult pregnancy – she missed a month of work during her first trimester and is on bed rest during her last trimester. She has doctor notes for all of this. She was just fired from her job in Texas (at will state) but was told in a conference call it was because she missed too much work. Is that legal? Can anyone recommend a good attorney in Austin Texas?

    • Anonymous

      Unfortunately if she has missed more than 12 weeks of work they can legally fire her. If it’s been less than 12 weeks total and her company is subject to the FMLA, then she may have a case.

      • nyc bakery help

        the ADA sometimes requires additional time beyond the 12 weeks as a reasonable accommodation

    • Anon

      Check state laws too. In NH for example, an employer has to protect a pregnant/recently given birth employee’s job during the period of disability during the pregnancy/post birth. It doesn’t protect the bonding time of maternity leave, just the medically necessary absences. In NH this would be illegal.

  9. Hashimotos newbie

    I just got diagnosed with Hashimoto’s. Can anyone recommend some good books/resources? There seems to be an extra-large dose of snake oil available for thyroid stuff, and I really want to steer around it.

    • Anon in NYC

      I think Feed Me Phoebe has Hashimoto’s. Maybe check out her blog! Good luck!

      • C2

        +1000 to Feed Me Phoebe, I don’t have Hashimoto’s but she has amazing resources for all, and I find her approach to Healthy Hedonism incredibly thoughtful.

    • Anonymous

      See if you can find anything helpful from Dr. Jacqueline Jonklaas. Hopefully, the first med you are prescribed will work well, and you won’t run into any more complicated difficulties.

      But there are current controversies over what the ideal TSH range should even be, about T4 conversion issues and combination meds, about labs and the role of labs vs. symptoms in refining dosages, about whether thyroid meds alone are adequate to address the autoimmune aspect of Hashimoto’s, about common comorbidities (especially non-celiac gluten intolerance which carries its own controversies), and about whether iodine helps or makes things worse. There are huge generational divides in outlook on many of these issues, but Jonklaas is a very respected and mainstream researcher who for me represents a voice of clarity and reason in these debates.

    • Anon

      First thing I would do is make sure you don’t have Lyme Disease.

      Hashi’s is an autoimmune condition, so whatever type of autoimmune diet suits you should help.

      • Anonymous

        Please talk to your endocrinology before going on to “whatever type of autoimmune diet suits you”, as this is not good medical advice.

        • Anonymous

          I have never spoken to an endocrinologist who recommended elimination diets beyond “try gf.” The endocrinologists I’ve seen have said that they do not manage the autoimmune issues that come with Hashimoto’s, except insofar as hormone treatments can help. I was advised to see another specialist for AI symptoms and flare-up prevention. There is no general autoimmune specialist, but doctors who treat conditions like lupus and MS know more about autoimmune disease and chronic illness management (so, rheumatologists, some neurologists, some osteopaths, etc.).

          • Anon

            This is because they have no training in nutrition. They have training in offering meds, because medicine is a business. They are not into lifestyle and wellness. They are into convenience things and repeat visits. Pills for your pills for your pills.

          • Anonymama

            I think they are into things that have actual peer-reviewed scientific evidence to back them up, and unfortunately in our current medical system that mostly means treatments that are supported by the pharmaceutical industry. But all of the doctors I know are quick to offer helpful lifestyle advice if there is evidence besides the anecdotal and theoretical to back it up (for treating, say, eczema).

        • Anon

          Many report lowered antibodies as a result of these diets. I’m not quite sure why people are so reluctant to believe that food…the literal fuel to our bodies…has an effect on our overall health.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve had this for 20 years. It is no big deal. I get a blood test once or twice a year, take a pill once a day, and get a thyroid ultrasound once every couple of years. My dose hasn’t changed in more than 10 years and over two pregnancies. I know there is a lot of dubious info on the internet about Hashimoto’s, but for me it has been the ‘easiest’ chronic condition ever.

  11. EM84

    Does anyone have experience with Paula’s Choice 2% BHA peel? I have tried the liquid version in trial size and would like to buy full size now. I have noticed they sell 3 formats – liquid, lotion and gel. Any experience? Is the difference only in texture?
    I would like to use it daily (1-2x) and follow with moisturizer and liquid foundation with SPF30 (in case it matters).

    • nutella

      Yes this stuff is bomb! I have only used the liquid though so no advice as to the other formats. I guess you know this because you did the trial size, but it does need some time to ‘set in’ before I can apply later steps because it will otherwise roll and pill off if that makes sense. I only use it at night in part because it would make my spf and makeup weird on top and because I didn’t want to wait in the mornings, but mostly because I like to give it a break during the day and focus on my spf. I typically find lotions and gel formats to be too drying or sticky especially for daytime where I want to put on makeup, but you may feel differently. But I guess if you liked it before why not stick with the same format?

    • Anonymous

      I think the texture is definitely the main difference. She may have a FAQ addressing this on her website too. I like the lotion formula best. The liquid is a little hard to apply (for me anyway – didn’t want to deal with a cotton ball) – and the gel sometimes formed little pills if I didn’t let it dry for long. I can put sunscreen on over the lotion right away. My skin is borderline oily for me and the lotion is fine – it’s very light.

    • Pen and Pencil

      This is the only stuff that sort of keeps my mostly hormonally driven cystic acne in check. I started with the gel and then switched to the liquid which I like because it dries quicker before I put on makeup or go to bed (similarly to what Nutella said). I seem to go through it quicker with the liquid through so…. paying for convenience I guess.

      • S

        Have you tried Spriolactone? It’s Rx. But seriously good if it’s hormonal. Like been life-changing for me.

    • Legally Brunette

      I really love it and it has made such a positive difference in my skin. I’ve used both the gel and the liquid, but only at night. Not much difference between the two, as far as I can tell.

    • EM84

      Thanks for all the replies! I will stick to liquid then. I love how it transformed my skin – in one week. My skin had a hard time – moving to a different country, stressful first months at work – and my skin got all kinds of inflamation, allergies and cystic acne. The BHA liquid helped a lot, I followed with Retinol serum and makeup (the liquid absorps immediately – at least into my skin). I plan to “bleach” the red leftover spots with glycolic acid at night (will not use BHA and AHA at the same time, though).
      Is there anything else you love from PC?

      • PC Fan

        If you’re still reading, I’m a total skincare junkie and PC is one of my fav brands. Some products I enjoy: Vitamin C Booster (although I’ve been using a cheaper version from Timeless lately), Niacinamide Booster, Omega + Complex Serum, 8% AHA Gel.

  12. Frozen Peach

    The coffee break thread yesterday about books by female authors made me realize that I am an outlier in something that others might find interesting. I was an English major and have an advanced degree, and now that I’m free to choose my own reading material, I generally only purchase or read books by women. I make common and generous exceptions to this policy, but only if it’s driven by my own strong desire to read something or a very strong rec from a friend whose opinion I value. (I can make a long list of the books by men I’ve read every year– I’m not sexist, I just read almost entirely male authors for seven years of higher ed, and I’m still balancing that ratio– plus I prefer female voices in genres like memoir). I have yet to run out of really good books to read.

    • Shortie

      I’m making a conscious choice to only read books authored by women. And I always choose doctors for myself and my children who are women. And minority women doctors too. It is a political choice. I’m also really bored with tv and movies that are focused on the male experience and the male gaze. Yawn.

      • Anon

        I always choose female doctors when possible. When we were interviewing pediatricians we met a white man first and I didn’t get a good vibe so I specifically lined up a bunch of women and we ended up choosing a Korean-American woman (in hindsight I’m glad we had a woman because I had some nursing issues and ended up nursing in front of her several times and she showed me breast massage techniques and I wouldn’t have been as comfortable doing that with a man. But I also wanted a woman “just because.”)

      • anon

        Seconded, generally, and especially for the female doctor thing. All my current doctors are female except my eye doc. I have a complicated and rare chronic illness, and after years of getting substandard care from men, I’m finally in a good place thanks to my all-female team of specialists. I just feel like on the whole, women doctors actually listen to women patients and make an effort to figure things out.

    • January

      I have a similar experience. I’m always surprised by threads here saying that they’re making a conscious effort to read more women authors, since the books I choose to read in my spare time are predominately by women authors. It’s not really conscious or a political statement, just that women happen to write in the genres I’m more interested in (contemporary fiction, domestic drama… Jonathan Franzen has been on my list for some time, but I’ve never actually read his books).

    • Lana Del Raygun

      I noticed a while ago that I don’t listen to music with male vocalists. There are two exceptions (maybe), but none of them are among my favorites. It’s not really a political thing, it’s just some people don’t like dubstep, some people don’t like the accordion, and I don’t like men.

    • Torin

      You sure you’re an outlier? We have the same educational background. I probably read 70/30 books by women over men. I recently made an exception for Crazy Rich Asians and it was terrible and I wish I hadn’t. Kevin Kwan is a hack.

      • Lilliet

        I’m so happy to hear someone else who hated that book. I bought it, such a rare thing for me given my penchant for the library, for a vacation and totally regret it. It was awful.

        • Torin

          Ugh, I usually buy from Half Priced Books, but couldn’t find this one there the last couple times I went so I broke down and bought new on Amazon. So annoyed I gave this guy my money.

        • Anon

          I hated it too!! I have read some great books by male authors recently (loved A Gentleman in Moscow and Honolulu) but Crazy Rich Asians was terrible!!

          • Anon

            I don’t know if people with better educations than mine were assigned this in school or not, but I recently read Hawaii’s Story by Hawaii’s Queen, and I realized how much I don’t know about Hawaii. I don’t usually read historical fiction, but I may give Alan Brennert a try now.

        • Anonymous

          I downloaded it from Amazon after seeing rave reviews here and elsewhere, and couldn’t make it past the first 20 pages. I “returned” the Kindle book for a refund, which I have only done one other time ever. I do not understand what people see in the book. The writing was *terrible*.

      • Anonymous

        +1… i think the first one was OK (like Asian Sophie Kinsella?) but then no.

      • Frozen Peach

        I’m not sure at all– the reactions to someone deciding to read a year of female authors gave me the impression this was somewhat unusual…

        • Books by female authors

          I was the OP on that post…fwiw without even thinking about it I probably read 70/30 or at least 60/40 women but realized that 2018 so far has been literally 100% female and wanted to keep that trend going. I have plenty of books in my queue by female authors but I thought people here might have suggestions I hadn’t thought of. I’d read some of the recommendations but there were lots of awesome new ideas too.

    • Anon

      I haven’t specifically gravitated to books by women before, but I find myself doing that more now. I’m getting so tired of men sexualizing women in fiction in inappropriate and cringeworthy ways. Even when that’s not part of the book, I don’t want men to have the cultural monopoly on writing strong, aggressive, interesting characters, so I am now inclined to read more fiction books containing these characters that are written by women.

      • Anonymous

        I’m honestly aghast at what’s celebrated in contemporary literary fiction written by men. I feel like we’ve somehow lost ground since the 19th century. (Though I suppose Dickens and Dostoevsky weren’t exactly an improvement on Sophocles or even some medieval Romance when it comes to depictions of women. Maybe there’s a fiction/society inverse relationship here!)

        I couldn’t even make it through b1tchmedia’s review of My Absolute Darling, but ever since reading it, I’ve felt completely free to just nope out of these books–and I’ve ended up reading almost exclusively women writers.

    • Metallica

      Even if you were actually s3xist (which I don’t think you are), this would make you not feel bad about it:

      (see link below–I almost peed myself laughing.)

    • Miss

      I pretty much do this for everything now. I read an article by a woman about how much of her life has been spent watching men do things. It really made me think. And so I stopped watching shows that star men (especially white men, with rare exceptions). I seek out tv and movies that star women, are written, directed or produced by women. I prefer women authors although I do read plenty of books by men (although those are mostly nonfiction). And I really don’t feel like I’m missing out.

  13. Reach Out or Not?

    I went on three wonderful, fun dates with a guy back in March. He then told me that he wasn’t quite ready to start a new relationship since he’d gotten out of one recently, but wanted to reach out to me after he’d had more time to himself. I really like the guy and definitely think we would be very happy together, so I told him that I want him to reach out when he feels ready.

    However, I’m worried that he’ll forget me or not think I’m still interested if x number of months go by and there is zero contact. I want to do a casual text just to kind of stay top of mind for him, but I also want to give him his space to clear his head and then come back to me. What’s the right balance?

    Conversely, is this a terrible idea and I should just let him come to me/us each do our own thing and if we come back together, then so be it? I’m not sitting at home waiting for the guy, I’m seeing other guys and staying involved with friends and work and things…I’d just really rather have this particular guy by my side for everything!

    • Torin

      He already told you he wasn’t interested. If he changes his mind he’ll contact you. In the meantime, assume he hasn’t, and keep living your life.

      • Anonymous

        +1

        When guys want to make it work with you, they don’t forget about you.

      • Monday

        +1. You already told him he could contact you if he was ever interested in dating again. Stick to your word, and don’t put in any more time or energy unless or until he does.

      • Anonymous

        +1. I once dated a guy for a month, and he ended it because I was moving away and he didn’t want to do long distance. A year later (with no contact), he came back and said he wanted the relationship and was willing to do it long distance. If he wants to see you again, and you left him the opening, he will show up again when he’s ready.

    • Anonymous

      Sorry but I think this was a ‘nice’ way of telling you he’s not that interested. If he wasn’t ready to date then he wouldn’t… you know… be dating? It sounds like he wants lots of casual relationships right now and was trying to keep you on the back burner if he doesn’t find something better. Don’t be anyone’s second choice.

      • Anon

        I agree. He doesn’t sound promising for a relationship ever! He’s probably playing the field and having fun. Also, if someone doesn’t want to be with me now, there’s no way I will want to be with him later. He risked giving you up so he doesn’t really want to be with you. You deserve better. Don’t sell yourself short.

    • C2

      Oh, I’ve been here. You really need to default assume “he’s just not that into you” anytime a break-off like this happens. It probably has nothing to do with you, he was going through a rough patch. I’m sure your dates were fun, but you only had three, and now you’ve been building up a possibility of a relationship with no foundation for it. You unfortunately now have to not only let go of the actual person, but the possibilities you’ve built it up to be in your head, too.

      He might be telling the truth and might reach out again, and if he does, I’d try it out. But if we’re being totally honest with ourselves – how many of us revisit our rough patches? Your time and affections are valuable, spend them on someone who wants them.

      • January

        Me too. If you must reach out, then I’d reach out with a specific invitation so you’re not left hanging. But otherwise…. it wasn’t a good fit, and you should try to let your image of him go.

    • Elegant Giraffe

      If he’s into you, he’s not going to forget you even if he really does need time to himself. Kindly, I think he’s just not that into you. Great that you’ve been seeing other guys though!

    • Anonymous

      um, he’s not interested in you. at all. move on, please and gain some social awareness.

      • You’re awful

        Did you think about how your words would make the OP feel? You need to gain some social awareness because you that was straight up mean and you probably just hurt someone who was just holding out hope. It is always better, in almost every circumstance, to choose kindness.

        • Anon

          I think women who don’t “get it” are more hurt in the long run. He was just being thoughtful and trying not to hurt your feelings. What would be worse? Hearing the truth here or from him?

          • Anon

            How about this phrasing instead?

            “He’s not interested in you. By telling you that he needed some space and alone time, he was letting you down in a way that respects you and your dignity. Do him, and yourself, a favour by recognising that kind gesture for what it was.”

          • Anon

            There’s nothing wrong with telling her that he probably isn’t interested in her and the best course of action would be to move on. But telling her “gain some social awareness” is just cruel!

    • Anonymous

      Nopenopenope He does not want you. Assume you’ll never hear from him again. Sorry!

  14. Anonymous

    I know there are some APW readers here – is anyone going to the Compact summer camp? Would love to meet up with fellow r e t t e s there!

  15. I feel frumpy and I don't want to!

    I’m 37; generally a size 14; thicc thighs; b*tt sticks out; 12-ish on top. How do I interpret some trends for my age and body type? I’m not interested in ripped jeans – but maybe I’d do a small hole in the knee? What style of tops and dresses do you ladies of a similar age and body type wear? I feel good about my hair color, cut, and texture, and I think my make-up is generally good.

    • Rainbow Hair

      What would your ideal style/look be? Punk? Preppy? Athleisure? Festival?

      What’s your go-to hair style? What do you grab to wear when you just need to get milk on Saturday morning/take the kid to the park?

      What do you like about your body? Good cleavage? Nice butt (sounds like it)? Legs for days?

      • Rainbow Hair

        For work I like the idea of a sheath. Find necklines that make you feel great. I think a sheath with sleeves (if you feel like you should have covered shoulders) look more sleek than layering. Maybe this is not a ‘trend’ but it has helped me feel put-together.

        The cool girls I hang out with are wearing a lot of (yes, largely destroyed) jeans with somewhat fitted tees — pretty do-able at any age. Higher waists on the jeans, shorter shirts. If casual, some super cute running shoes (there are so many fun styles out there now), if fancier, booties or wedge sandals?

        Also lots of 90s inspired floral sundresses. I’ve been wearing a lot that are closer to midi length than mini. With sneakers to kick around at the park, with wedge sandals and an LJ for a date. I think the one-piece-ness makes it easier to look “together” because I don’t have to worry about fit and proportion and such. It’s hard for me to do the like, layery, festival-y, ‘boho’ thing because I look too much like my hippie aunt!

        Confession: I just bought a romper. But I look bangin’ in it and it’s so comfy. And it was on sale at Old Navy.

    • Marillenbaum

      I’m a fairly similar body type, albeit in my late 20s. For dresses, I love sheaths and A-lines, typically in solid colors. For tops, I like short sleeved V-neck blouses or sleeveless collared tops which can be paired with cardigans in every conceivable color.

    • anon

      Age 40 here. I have ripped jeans (and I LOVE them). The trick is that the amount of distressing is less than a 20 year old would wear. Also, you have to style them correctly. Try a well maintained blazer, not a drapey t shirt. For me, the key to looking current is to have more structure and skin coverage in my closet than I did 15 years ago. Also, much nicer shoes*. It’s tough, because so much fashion out there is appropriate for younger or older women. I want to look good for my age, not dress like I’m 25 or 55.
      *Seriously, this is key.

      • Rainbow Hair

        Yes! As I’ve got old I’ve found that structure and fit are so important to making me feel like I look good! More so than the particular whatever (style? color? material?) of the clothes that I’m wearing, it’s the fact that it fits me in a way I like that makes all the difference. (I return a lot more clothing now than I ever did before, when I try something on at home and don’t like what I see.)

      • Anon

        Yes! Nicer quality fabrics, more structure, nicer shoes (how I miss the days of being able to wear $25 shoes off the sale rack at DSW), and, again, nicer quality fabrics.

        Twenty five year olds can look hot wearing a potato sack. They can look professional at work by not wearing jeans and hoodies. Us late thirties types need a little more…. je ne sais quoi… in the clothing department.

    • Legally Brunette

      I highly recommend following the blogger Tanesha Aswathi for ideas. She has great style and always looks amazing. I think she’s a size 14/16.

    • Anonymous

      lose weight? less make-up? (if you think it looks good, it’s too much)

      • Anonymous

        This comment is insane. If you think your makeup looks good it’s a sign you’re wearing too much? So, if you think your makeup looks bad you’re wearing the right amount? Whaaat?!?

    • anon

      I’m a relatively similar body type, late 20s. I just go try stuff on and go with what I feel great in. I’ve tried to think through what would work for me and how to translate it, but I’ve never found that as successful as just physically seeing what works and what doesn’t. I’ve been surprised by the trends I thought I couldn’t pull off but I can, and vice versa. Bottom line–do you!

  16. Marillenbaum

    I’m a fairly similar body type, albeit in my late 20s. For dresses, I love sheaths and A-lines, typically in solid colors. For tops, I like short sleeved V-neck blouses or sleeveless collared tops which can be paired with cardigans in every conceivable color.

  17. Anon

    What does “blue light special” mean these days? Is it white trash or a transvestite? What do the kids say?

    • Lana Del Raygun

      I have never heard this to mean anything but special sales or promotions that the store was advertising with a flashing blue light. What context did you hear it in that made you think it meant either of these? I’m madly curious.

    • Anonymous

      I thought it came from the old Kmart “Blue Light Specials” … Not sure about the white trash meaning of it, but Urban Dictionary says it means a white trashy girl.

    • Anon

      My California teen had no idea; my niece from the South said it refers to “a trailer trash girl”.

      Any her mother said it is an alcoholic beverage very popular at 4th of July parties.

      So I suppose context is everything!

  18. Baconpancakes

    Apropos of Frozen Peach’s book comment above, weekend book thread!

    1. The best book you read in 2017
    2. The book you’re reading right now
    3. The book you’re most looking forward to reading in 2018

    For me:
    1. The Fifth Season, N.K. Jemisin
    2. Red Rising, Pierce Brown
    3. Three Body Problem, Liu Cixin

    • Anon

      1. United States of Jihad, Peter Bergen
      2. And the Good News Is…., Dana Perino
      3. A Higher Loyalty, James Comey

      Politico, if you couldn’t tell. I read both sides of the aisle.

    • Anon

      This occurred to me when I was reading the previous thread, but I have been having good luck not just with women writers, but specifically with women named Helen. Helen DeWitt, Helen MacDonald, and now Helen Oyeyemi and Helene Wecker.

    • Miss

      1. Underground Railroad
      2. The Bear and the Nightingale by Katherine Arden, Argonauts by Maggie Nelson
      3. Odyssey translated by Emily Wilson (I bought it but I need to find enough quiet time to really savor it)

    • Anon

      1. This Is How It Always Is by Laurie Frankel
      2. Just finished Ask Me About My Uterus by Abby Norman and about to start Love, Africa by Jeffrey Gettleman
      3. I have a long “to read” list but nothing really stands out.

    • Anon

      1. The Power, Naomi Alderman
      2. Olive Kitteridge, Elizabeth Strout
      3. I don’t really know

    • Monte

      1. Citizen (Claudia Rankine) and White Boy Shuffle (Paul Beatty)
      2. Trial and Death of Socrates (Plato)
      3. The Unwomanly Face of War (Svetlana Alexievich) and My Struggle volume 6 (Karl Ove Knausgaard)

    • trefoil

      1. The Hate U Give, by Angie Thomas
      2. Hysteria, by Elisabeth di Mariaffi
      3. The Power by Naomi Alderman (it just came in via my library holds)

      Accidentally all women. I’ve been keeping track of the books I read/listen to this year and while I have read some male authors it’s closer to 70/30 or 80/20 female to male.

  19. Anon

    Has anyone ever exercised with a rebounder (mini trampoline)? I just discovered this and I’m very intrigued! A little put off by the price though so wondering if anyone has done it.

    • Anonymous

      I bet it’s really fun but likely only for a short time. Don’t spend the money on it. Find a nearby class that uses the equipment.

      • Anon

        I hate exercise classes and exercising around people in general so that’s most of the appeal for me

      • anon

        Yeah, my friend bought one and used it for about 4 weeks. Would definitely recommend the class approach.

    • Anonymous

      I have one. I don’t use it a ton, but I’m a runner who is injury-prone in the knees, so I use it mostly to keep moving when I need a workout that gives me less impact on my knees.

  20. Chronic Career Girl

    I’m facing a diagnosis of at least one chronic illness that will be with me for the rest of my life, no matter what I do (think Lupus, Fibromylagia, etc). And I’m worried about my career. How can I keep my moderately intense career going (I love it and it means a lot to me) and still take care of my health? What about the days when I can barely crawl out of bed? I already have a house cleaner but I still struggle with daily tasks on bad days. I burned through all of my sick leave already this year and I’ve had to take some unpaid time off. I would love to work from home when I’m having a bad day, but it’s not the culture at all and I’m not being allowed to do it. I worry about the impression I leave with others when I miss work (again)

    • Coach Laura

      To Chronic Career Girl – It’s late but I hope you see this.

      This is tough and I wish you well. It’s hard to give advice without knowing what field/career but I think it’s a combination of 1) self-care prioritizing sleep and health, 2) eliminating stresses like long commutes by making other compromises 3) focusing your career so that you can find a job that lets you work from home occasionally to often or one that is forgiving of absences given strong work when you are there.

      I agree with the anon below that if it’s an autoimmune disease or something like thyroid, RA or fibromylagia, try a grain-free, dairy-free diet like a paleo diet. Some physicians are really knowledgeable, some are not, regarding diet and some people think it’s snake oil but you should give an elimination diet a try. I know people with autoimmune conditions, fibro, RA, Crohns, Ulcerative colitis and others that it has helped but it won’t help everyone. See a dietitian knowledgeable about elimination diets or do some research. But give it a careful trial.

      Sure, get house cleaners and take Ubers and do as much as you can within your budget to preserve your energy for your job. But at some point, you may need a more flexible job. It may be possible at another job or it may be possible as you gain tenure and build goodwill at your current job. Some jobs/positions are “scale-able” – and some aren’t – to allow for variable days/hours.

      There’s a (somewhat) dated book that I read years ago by Joffe and Friedlander called Women, Work, and Autoimmune Disease: Keep Working, Girlfriend! that has some ideas – you can likely get it from your local library.

      Lean on your friends, family and network. And if you’re newly diagnosed, it’s likely that you’ll develop coping techniques as your health stabilizes and you learn the ins and outs of your disease.

    • anon

      I hope you see this–I know this is late but I wanted to reach out to you. This post is going to be long, but I hope it will be helpful.

      I am in the same position–was diagnosed with a chronic, incurable disease in my late teens, which will be with me permanently. Don’t want to say what it is since it is so rare it might out me, but some of the symptoms include fatigue, chronic pain, etc., plus I average about 3 medical appts per week between the testing, treatments, and check-in appointments I need with an array of specialists. I spend a good amount of time on the phone every week dealing with insurance, referrals, setting up appointments, getting medical records transferred, plus have to keep up with my meds and a special diet. Chronic illness is no joke in terms of time management.

      I initially began my career in a flexible field (nonprofit arts-related) with the idea that it would help me accommodate my disability. However, I ended up not enjoying the field, and also tapped out my earning potential at a relatively low amount, which wasn’t what I wanted for my life in general, and especially not with my huge medical bills. I went back to law school and am now a Biglaw associate. I genuinely love it. It is possible to have a career, even a demanding one, with a tough illness.

      Here is what has worked for me:
      1) Maximizing my earning potential: This has allowed me to throw money at some of the things that would otherwise sap my energy. I have a house cleaner. I take cabs and Ubers when I don’t feel able to walk. I order dinner in when I don’t have the energy to cook. I spend money on things like massage and acupuncture that help me feel better. This is clearly a privilege, but as you can see from my career history, I also made an intentional choice to earn more money. I feel that very few careers are actually super flexible and that having more money can sometimes be more helpful than having more time. Obviously YMMV and not everyone has the ability or privilege to earn enough money to do this. But whatever is in range for you, I would advise thinking hard about the tradeoff between time and money in your career.

      2) Proactive lifestyle measures to help me feel better. I am all about complementary and alternative medicine and have found that many strategies have improved my energy and decreased chronic pain. I work with a nutritionist which has honestly been life-changing in terms of getting me on the right diet for my condition and has done wonders for my energy levels. I use massage, acupuncture, etc. as described above. While these treatments may not be able to cure you, they can often really, really help with your quality of life. My recommendation is to try anything once as long as it’s low-risk. If it works for you, great, and if it doesn’t, you’re only out the cost of one session. These do not replace my MDs, but have truly been life-changing alongside of them.

      3) Find energy and satisfaction from other areas of your life. It is tempting to shape your life around your illness. But honestly, I love my job and the energy I get from it helps keep me going when things get tough physically. There may be a point in time when I have to scale back or make a change. But it’s just like Sheryl Sandberg says about having kids–don’t leave before you leave. You will be able to deal with your needs as they arise. In the meantime, do what you want to do. I have found getting connected to the disability pride community to be incredibly helpful with this.

      4) Be out and unapologetic about your issue and be proactive about coming up with plans to work around it. This has been a tough one for me, but I’ve recently started to need mobility aids and haven’t been able to keep things under wraps any more. I have been pleasantly surprised at how supportive people have been. I have a strong track record and strategies for succeeding while managing my illness. People know this about me and it hasn’t held me back. Again, YMMV depending on the environment you are in, but at least consider out and proud to be an option that’s on the table for you and you may be surprised at how far you can get by owning it.

      5) Do not compromise on sleep. I get 8 hours a night pretty much every night. I take naps when I need to. People around me know that I do not function otherwise. Stick to whatever schedule works for you throughout the rest of the day. Routines are important with chronic illness.

      6) Separate career from job. It sounds like you’re working in a place that isn’t supportive of you. You may be able to keep up your career elsewhere where you can get more flexibility as needed. Consider your health a non-negotiable and try to build your career path accordingly.

      7) Stop giving a f about all of the other little things you’re “supposed” to do. I do not waste my time or energy on things that I’m not excited about doing in my personal life. I don’t decorate for holidays, I don’t plan events, I don’t bake from scratch, I don’t go to events that I don’t feel like going to. This is what works for me and your list of things may vary. The point is you don’t need to feel obligated to do the little things that add up to huge drains on your well-being.

      Finally, I would recommend that you get connected to the chronic illness/disability pride community. For me, reading books/social media by Esme Weijun Wang, Porochista Khakpour, etc. have been transformative as well as following people with my condition and related conditions on Instagram and getting connected with the advocacy community for my disease. You will start to find role models of people who have created fulfilling lives for themselves and realize that disability may mean you have to do things differently, but is not a death sentence on everything you know and love. Bottom line, do whatever the f you want to do with your life and be unapologetic about taking care of yourself.

      • Miss

        What a great post! I’m not OP, but found this very inspiring. Keep kicking a$$!

      • Chronic Career Girl

        Thank you! This is exactly what I was hoping to hear. For various reasons I’ll need to stick with the job I have now for at least 2-3 more years so I’m trying to figure out how to best make it work now and to set myself up for something better as my next career move. This all helps a lot.

  21. Anonymous

    I realize this is politically incorrect, but I am so tired of picking up the slack for my coworkers on maternity leave. This is the third one in 14 months. Can I please get twelve weeks off, too? JFC.

    • Anon

      I completely agree. My company offers 12 weeks of paid paternity leave as well so we have really taken a hit in the last year. I feel ran ragged. And often can’t take vacation because too many people are out and we are a production environment.

    • Anon

      Yeah having your vagina or abdomen ripped up, sleeping in two hour increments for weeks or months on end, changing 10-15 diapers per day, holding a crying baby for hours on end and getting literally every bodily fluid imaginable on you is a real “vacation.” Let me tell you – when I went back to work THAT felt like a vacation.
      Also I hope you never have a medical or family emergency that requires you to be out for a while and have other people cover for you.

        • Anonymous

          Oh please. I love my baby and I have no regrets about my choices but I hate sexist people who act like maternity leave is 12 weeks of vacation. I have taken vacations (including vacations with babies) and maternity leave is not a vacation. Taking care of a newborn and physically recovering from birth is a more-than-fulltime job.

          • Anon

            No one is being sexist. You don’t get to shame the OP and say that someone else is having less of a hard time than you. You don’t get to decide that having a baby is harder work than being swamped at the office when so many people are out. If anything, I feel worse for people who are swamped at the office because that’s a situation they didn’t bring upon themselves. Anyone who chooses to have a child DID bring that situation upon themselves. Everyone has a breaking point and I agree with the other posters who pointed out that hiring a contract employee is really what is necessary. I’m a mom who has been in both positions.

          • Anon

            I never said it’s not hard covering for coworkers who are out or that being on maternity leave is harder than being in the office covering for a coworker on maternity leave. I have both taken maternity leave and covered for others as well.

            What I take issue with is her saying “I want 12 weeks off too.” That implies maternity leave is a vacation and that’s incredibly offensive and, yes, sexist. (Also if you have to preface your statement with “this may be politically incorrect but..” then generally something racist/sexist/etc is about to follow. I have not seen many inoffensive statements that follow that disclaimer.)

    • Anonymous

      I’m sorry you’re so overworked. Maternity leave sounds much more fun than it is.

      • Ellen

        The manageing partner told me I could take a month off when I have a baby to bond with him/her. This is alot less then 12 weeks. Some places give 6 months off so don’t be to sad. I work very hard but do NOT even have a boyfreind so I need to start somewhere soon. YAY!!!

    • Anon

      You’re picking up slack for a company that would rather dump it on your shoulders than pay for a highly-trained contract employee. With three maternity leaves over 14 months, they could actually have another person on long term.

      • Ses

        +1, the frustration is being caused by the company’s poor planning, not by women living their lives.

      • Anonymous

        +2: parental leave for the birth of a child is something that the company can certainly plan for in advance – it’s not like a sudden and debilitating illness for which an employee requires a long hospitalization. Most of the time, employees can notify their supervisors a few months beforehand, and you know (give or take a couple of weeks) when exactly a baby will arrive. OP, I’m sorry you’re bearing the burden of your firm’s bad planning. At the same time, maternity leave to care for a newborn is no vacation, and resenting your female colleagues rather than your company is unproductive. It does women in the workforce – with or without children – no favors.

      • Kat in VA

        I agree. I was that highly-trained contract employee. I worked side-by-side with the woman going on leave for about 3.5 weeks, and then she had her baby and took eight weeks off. During that time, I did not contact her in any way other than to see baby pics.

        She was able to go on her leave confident that her job would be handled without adding undue additional stress and workload on the other employee, and she came back to work that had been done with minimal fuss during the transition. My contract ended on the 4th and I think it was a win-win for everyone all around. I was able to get really good references for my next position (defense contracting is a rather small world, believe it or not), she didn’t have to worry that her executives weren’t being supported (I’m an EA), and everyone seemed generally happy (other than folks that I bonded with being sad for me to leave and vice-versa).

        A company that is willing to squeeze two to get three, especially when they can plan for something like maternity leave most of the the time, is not a great company to work for.

    • EM84

      This seems horrible! Of course it is not the fault of your female colleagues – but poor managerial decision of your boss/company. Leaving you for 12 weeks & expecting you to cover for 2 full-time positions is simply exploitation. Ask your manager to give you AT LEAST one part-time help for each maternity/parental leave that is coming. This should help you ease the workload. And I would ask them for a bonus for the past 14months. They saved a lot, so they can afford it. Also – can you decline taking up extra workload that they want to dump on you bc of maternity leave? Can they give this job enriching & developmental tasks to someone else?

      • Anonymous

        why does she have to ask for part-time help? How about the mothers or fathers going on leave? why don’t we make it their repsonsiblity to ensure that their leave isn’t a burden for others? If that doesn’t make sense to you, explain why it makes sense to have the non-parent be required to ask for help?

        • lawsuited

          Because the employee covering knows what they can and can’t handle and can effectively communicate their needs to management? Most employees don’t have the power to hire a replacement for themself to cover their maternity leave, so it would be impossible for them to “ensure” proper coverage. Both the employee on maternity leave and the covering employee are reliant on management to hire proper resources to cover leaves.

    • Anon

      Sure but before your 12 weeks of vacation, 6 of which are unpaid, do this . First spend 4 months nauseous and trying your best not to puke while showing up for work every day and putting in more effort than everyone else so they don’t subconsciously demote you. Then suffer with debilitating back and pelvic pain, chronic reflux, and various other ailments, but remember no medication allowed. Next make sure that every person you encounter offers an unsolicited opinion on some aspect of your life. Finally after 10 months of all that fun you can choose to rip open your vagina or your lower abdomen, or if you are lucky both. Then you can take your vacation but you only get to sleep in small increments while learning to be the lifeline for a new human. Enjoy your 12 weeks off.

      • Anon

        I don’t think the OP was in any way implying that pregnancy is easy; she’s just pointing out that the realities of it fall on her non-pregnant shoulders as well. She’s not getting a cute squishy baby out of it, but she’s still doing a LOT of extra work.

        I had a job once wherein the boss slacked big time. Like, he took a “work from home” day every week wherein he did nothing, and he put in about five hours a day when he was actually in the office. The end result is that my co-worker and I *never* took our vacation… for a job that was billed as 9-5 with something like 25 days of PTO. We would have screwed each other over if we took time off, and we got along well, so we each sucked it up for the other and put in our 50+ hour weeks.

        I cannot begin to describe my level of resentment. I also always thought – what if one of us gets sick? What if one of us has a family emergency? What if one of us gets in a car accident? Basically, the company saved money/coddled by boss on our backs, and it S*CKED. Hard.

        The burnout is real. The frustration over not getting to take part of your compensation (e.g., PTO) is real.

        But we live in a society wherein having children is a “choice” and not a social good, or, worse yet, a scourge upon an overpopulated earth, so we’re dealing with the fallout of companies treating babies like a woman’s choice and not… something that kind of needs to be done.

      • Anon2

        (Kind of petty) pet peeve: pregnancy is not 10 months. It is actually less than 9 months from conception to due date, based on how pregnancy is calculated.

        • Anon

          OMG this is my pet peeve too!!! So many people are like “I never knew pregnancy was 10 months until I got pregnant!” (Cupcakes and Cashmere I’m looking at you). No! 40 weeks is not 10 months because many months are 4.5 weeks long. And, as you pointed out, you are “2 weeks pregnant” when you conceive and usually at least 3-4 weeks pregnant when you find out. So it’s barely 36weeks of pregnancy (til your due date at least). I conceived on June 1 and was due mid-February. That’s not 10 or even 9 months, it’s 8.5 months!

          • Anon

            38 weeks is 8 3/4th months long. So yes.

            You aren’t “pregnant” two weeks before conception.

    • Houda

      I used to resent that too feeling maybe I’m penalized for not being sick (the twisted thoughts you get staring at your computer at 3 AM) or not having kids but then I realized many companies can afford to hire more. Some employers are cheap and don’t value their people. They need to build-in extra capacity: x number of people to work less than 100% when everyone is functioning but who can ramp up when some employees (parents, sick, with emergency etc.) go on leave so the work gets done and the others don’t resent the company for hiring a woman/person with chronic illness/anyone who could ever have an emergency.

      • Anon

        Except that “extra capacity” takes heat for being unnecessary because they don’t often have enough to do. Especially from staff who believe they should be getting a raise when they don’t. It’s lose-lose-lose.

    • OfCounsel

      As several other people have said, this is a management problem. They are either saving money by not paying the employee on leave or patting themselves on the backs for offering great maternity benefits, while actually transferring the cost of those benefits to their other employees by forcing them to do the extra work. My suggestion is that the next time someone says they are going to be on leave, raise the issue in advance and suggest that your team is going to need extra help because # of people cannot do the same work as # +1.

      And I mean this kindly but I suggest never telling a woman who has a new baby that her maternity leave is “vacation.” You probably meant that as an off the cuff remark and did not give it a great deal of thought, but (as several people have pointed out), it is quite decidedly not a vacation – no matter how joyous motherhood might be.

    • lawsuited

      Maternity leave is not a vacation.

      Maternity leave is not a vacation. Maternity leave is not a vacation. Maternity leave is not a vacation. Maternity leave is not a vacation.

      • Books by female authors

        +1 million. I took a 14 week maternity leave and the last 3 weeks felt like a vacation, but that was because I was completely physically recovered and had gotten the hang of nursing, the baby was sleeping through the night and my teacher husband was on summer break and doing roughly half of the childcare and household chores. Taking care of a baby solo is really far from a vacation, especially in the first 8-10 weeks after birth when you’re still recovering and the baby is waking up and feeding constantly.

  22. Anon

    I have chronic nerve and muscle pain. I take care of it with diet…sort of a modified Paleo AIP. Have you read about autoimmune diets, or even the Wahl’s protocol for MS? I think you will find a lot of hope there.

    Also, supplements such as Thorne Meriva 500 turmeric work well. With the right self-care, you can definitely do this.

  23. JJ

    I’m starting soon as a summer associated in biglaw, anyone have any practical advice on how to be great summer associate? Anything you personally really liked/disliked about the summer associates you’ve worked with?

    • equestrian Attorney

      Be polite, dress appropriately, work hard. Treat everyone as your client, including junior associates, not just the bigwigs. Be polite to the receptionists, assistants and other staff. Don’t be afraid to ask questions if you don’t know. Work hard but also spend time learning about the culture and building relationships – good relationships are a big part of a successful law career. Find a mentor. Best of luck! I learned so much as a summer associate.

      • OfCounsel

        All of that. And never walk around/go to a meeting without a yellow pad to write down what you are told. If you have questions, ask. If you have questions after you were given the assignment, ask – but ask the junior member of the team and not the managing partner.

        Also, PLEASE don’t (1) have a fling with a co-worker; (2) flirt outrageously with the married junior partner; (3) get drunk at a company event or (4) put anything on social media that you would not want to see on Above the Law (attributed to you).

    • New law mama

      Demonstrate good judgment – do not be a gossip and avoid people who are. Assume everything you say may be repeated to someone. Don’t asume you know better than the lawyers.

  24. Help Needed for Friend

    I volunteered to organize a meal delivery calendar for a friend who will have surgery and will not be able to cook for her young family for a couple of months. Does anyone have any recommendations on how to do this and make it go smoothly? I am overwhelmed by the options – Signup Genius, Google Calendar, etc. All of us live in a suburban area near a mid-sized city. I don’t know most of her friends or family members, but she lives not that far from me. I appreciate any tips, advice, suggestions, etc. Thanks!

    • koala

      there’s a website called takethemameal which is fantastic. highly recommend.

    • Anonymous

      I have been on the receiving end of this generosity. My advice – if people are dropping off meals, have the family put a large cooler on the porch so the meals can just be dropped off, so as not to disrupt whatever is happening inside. (Or, she can then choose if she wants to visit). Tell the meal-givers to use throw-away containers. The last thing a family needs to worry about is entertaining people and figuring out how to get their casserole dish returned.

  25. Anonymous

    I finally worked up the courage to break up with my bf of 15 months. I love him, but it’s clear that he is never going to make me a priority in his life. We arranged early last week for him to pick his things up from my house on Saturday (yesterday), and then yesterday morning he texted to say he would come by around 6 and that we could watch the Derby together. As a result, I didn’t make any other Derby-watching plans, but 6:00 rolled around and he wasn’t there. And then 6:30, 6:45, the race happened, 7:00, 7:30…. No word at all. I finally decided to go out and meet up with some friends, when he texts me 10 minutes later to say he’s “on his way.” I told him I wasn’t home, at which point he says “oh, you’re out? Let’s meet up!” I said “not tonight.” He says “Ok, let me know when.” Here’s the thing: I don’t want to see him. Can I just throw his things away at this point, or am I obligated to return them? (For the record, we’re not talking about a ton of stuff – it’s mostly PJs/sweatpants, etc.) I swear I’m going join a nunnery.

    • Anon

      Mail it. $50 is worth not having to deal with him again. Also, cut off communication! Why were you willing to watch the derby with him! Cold turkey is the way to go here.

    • Anonymous

      Multiple options here that don’t involve you having to see him:
      – The aforementioned “mail him his stuff”
      – Put everything in a box and leave it on his doorstep; text him after you leave “your stuff is on your doorstep”
      – Have a friend drop off his stuff to him
      – Drop the box off at his work (you don’t want this to be obvious or embarrassing for him or you, but you can tape up the box and it can totally be framed as “oh, I signed for this delivery for Now-Ex-Boyfriend and wanted him to get it right away”)
      I wouldn’t throw his stuff out as that seems overdramatic and petty. But you absolutely do not have to see him again to accomplish the “transfer of stuff.” And after you complete the stuff transfer – block him on your phone, your email and all social media and don’t respond to any attempts at contact. You don’t want to see him, so don’t see him.

      Sorry about all this. Dating sucks.

  26. Anonymous

    Would this dress be appropriate to wear as a wedding guest? (Link in reply)
    It’s light blue and pink, but is the blue light enough (plus the even lighter flower accents) that it’s too close to white?

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