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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
About to do some international travel on United soon. I have basic economy but see at least 5 rows of empty economy plus seats on the plane. Am trying to figure out if it’s worth the $80 upgrade to get one of those seats. Any tips?
Ellen
Dad says it depends. If you are going overseas, you will be sitting for along time, so you should get a seat with more legroom, even if it cost’s more. $80 is not alot for 10 hours of sitting; that’s $8 per hour. Spend the $80 and your tuchus and legs’ will thank you. Also, Dad says to be sure to sit nearer the aisle, so that you have ready access to the toilet, which is important b/c you will not be eating stuff that stays in your stomach for long. Finally, resist the urge to buy yourself a drink on the plane b/c you get looped much more quickly in flight, and b/c you cannot control who they seat next to you, you do NOT want that slimy guy you to put his dirty hands where they do NOT belong while you are groggy or asleep, b/c they do such things. FOOEY on them!
Anon
I would do it for a very long flight unless you’re quite petite. Those extra leg room inches really make a difference, or at least they do to me. But I’m 5’11”.
Anon
As a counterpoint, I’m 5’11” and find regular economy almost as comfortable as economy plus, especially on a redeye flight where it’s socially acceptable to recline your seat.
Anon
I’m 5’3″ and I recently took the economy plus to Santiago Chile from the US. Worth. every. damn. penny. Do. it.
Anon Reader
I recently flew Basic Economy on an international flight and by luck ended up with a bulkhead seat both ways (between economy and premium plus economy). It was a risky choice not to upgrade that ended up being very worth it for a redeye to London!
Anon
Sounds like you lucked into a better seat – bulkheads are never in basic economic; they’re very desirable seats.
Anon
Yeah, this is not a gamble I would be willing to take.
Anonymous
Yes 100%. They will fill up. You will not be permitted to move into them if they don’t. Completely worth it and that’s a good rate for international. My rule of thumb is over 4 hours I do Econ plus.
Anon
Also consider luggage. I don’t think you get a carry-on with basic economy.
Pompom
And you’ll likely board last with basic econ, so overhead bin space–even on the roomier international planes–might be at a premium, in case you do have hand luggage.
FWIW I always pay the extra to move into AA’s Main Cabin Extra for international flights, for all of the reasons mentioned above. Plus the wine.
Anonymous
Not that the leg room isn’t enough reason, but beer and wine are free on international flights for most destinations for all cabins.
Pompom
I’ve had a few long haul codeshare flights recently where it was one complimentary then paid (or none, in the case of FinnAir; steep alcohol taxes, I hear) after that. I don’t fly United so I hope that’s not the case with them, too!
I’m not getting hammered on planes, but I do rely on wine + ZZZQuil for sleep ;-)
Anonymous
Make your decision based on the seat itself. If the only reason you’re considering this is because you think you’ll have a row to yourself, then no, don’t do it. Those rows will likely fill up on the day of the flight. If the airline is unable to sell them for the higher rate, then they’ll give the seats to preferred customers.
ProfP
Economy Plus is at the front of the economy section, so there is less chance of them running out of your preferred meal choice, drinks, etc. I’ve been on United international flights where they ran out of pretty basic things (like red wine) and being in Economy Plus helps. And personally for a long flight, the added space is worth the money to me.
Anon
United in particular is notorious for running out of food and drinks, even the ones you have to pay for. It’s much less of a problem on American and Delta.
Editrix
Do it to avoid being assigned a center seat. Totally worth $80.
Parfait
I will do Basic Economy if I’m traveling alone. If I’m with a friend or relation, I don’t want to be seated apart.
The first time I did Basic Economy, i wound up checking in pretty late, and they stuck me in an aisle seat in an exit row! Kind of random. I can only surmise that they had already given out all the crappy seats and had to move on to the desirable ones that didn’t sell.
Anonymous
I’m starting to get sick (probably a cold – sore throat yesterday, one side sinus pressure this morning). This is the worst possible week to get sick, of course – several partners have asked for urgent assistance from me today and tomorrow after jr. associates didn’t turn work in/didn’t do it right. And my office’s remote login program is spotty at best, so I probably need to be physically in the office, not curled up on my couch.
Please send all ideas for the best remedies to keep this cold mild, plus not getting anyone else sick!
Anonymous
I like zicam (tablets that melt in your mouth, not the nasal kind), rinsing nasal passages with saline (neti pot or saline nasal spray), taking a shot of apple cider vinegar, and drinking tea with honey constsntly. Good luck!
NYCer
+1 for the Zicam tablets.
Anon
Zinc lozenges can really help clear the sinuses. I think there’s some weak evidence that they can shorten the duration of the cold if you take them all day long from the first sign of symptoms.
Another anon
I specifically swear by Cold-Eeze zinc lozenges
Houda
For others:
You want to contain your germs with tissues, hand sanitizer, and frequent hand washing
Wipe your things, if possible open a window every now and then, or if in open space leave your desk if you have a coughing/sneezing fit
For you:
Overhydrate with herbal tea and water, rinse your nose, medicate as appropriate, take frequent breaks.
If you are really sick, go work from home despite the horrible VPN. Not ideal but they will survive
anon
Lots of fluids…I swear by V/8 vegetable juice with your favorite hot sauce – drink hot or cold but I think hot is better, several times a day…kicks a cold virus in the a#(*s with Vitamin C and Cayenne pepper…also a good chicken soup – go to the farmer’s market and get a good one if you can’t make your own, worst case canned soup
Anon
Overhydrate. It doesn’t matter as much what you drink as how much. Just be in the bathroom at least once per hour and you know you’re doing it right.
Anon
Tons of water, sinus spray, and sleep as much as you can.
Anonymous
DayQuil
Flats Only
Twice Daily: Long hot shower, rinse nose out with neti pot or saline spray, use flonase. For daytime symptoms Advil Cold & Sinus every 4 hours. Add a couple of plain advils in if you have body aches. Good luck!
NOLA
DayQuil and/or Mucinex DM, Elderberry sambucus, throat comfort tea (add Jameson’s at night – I’m not kidding), lots of water. I also take a zinc capsule and drink a Vitaminwater Zero XXX for electrolytes and Vitamin C every day. It means that I get better pretty quickly, which never used to happen.
Anonymous
Mucinex, Emergen-C, and tons and tons of water and/or tea. Also try and get as much sleep as possible.
anon
Yes yes yes to EmergenC
Anonymous
Get a Citrus Defender Hot Tea from Starbucks.
Daffodil
For sinuses, try Sudafed (the one you get from the pharmacy) plus Advil- I’ve been dealing with a sinus infection for a week now, and it’s been the only med combo that has helped.
lemon
Literally all of the suggestions above, plus drink a bottle of kombucha every day and see if you can find those ginger/turmeric shots (like a tiny 2oz. bottle – I find them at Trader Joe’s or Fresh Thyme). You need the fluids anyway, so you might as well add immune system boosting goodies.
Also, Chick fil A makes delicious chicken noodle soup.
Ellen
Get your grandmother to make you chicken soup. My mom and her Grandma Trudy makes great chicken soup from the old country. I do NOT subscribe to pills for getting sick, just chicken soup. Also, drink alot of water even if you wind up going to to the toilet every 30 minutes, you will flush the germs out of your system. Keep men away, as they are usually germ carriers. Good luck to you and keep warm and clean. YAY!!
Anonymous
Did anyone watch the hearings yesterday? Goldman, the lawyer, seemed ice cold. He was very stone faced when the questioners were being (in my opinion) ridiculously rude to him.
I have no chill at all and am terrible at keeping my emotions undercover (luckily I am not a lawyer and don’t often get people being rude to me at work). How do you maintain your facade? What are some tips on being cool under pressure? How do people DO it??? It’s so impressive to me that people can maintain their professionalism and composure when other people are yelling and insulting them. Teach me your ways!
Anonymous
I didn’t see it, so am not speaking directly to what Goldman did. In my experience, people who can do this come from a variety of ways . . .
* People who are totally shut down emotionally and ARE ice cold. This is not the path you want to take.
* People who are great actors and put on a public face when they need to.
* People with stern self-control who can compartmentalize and “go ice” when they need to.
* People who are at peace emotionally (not under the control of anxiety, anger, rage, fear) and therefore can be OK in the face of insults or provocation because what people are saying to them or about them doesn’t affect their sense of self or their peacefulness. They respond out of what’s IN them, not in reaction to what’s coming AT them.
I’d teach you a combination of learning some acting skills and developing an interior life that is peaceful and non-reactive.
AIMS
This is a good list. I also think some of it is just being prepared. I never lose my temper when I expect to be under attack, so to speak. It’s when I think that I’m walking into friendly territory and it doesn’t go as planned that I can get thrown off. I’m sure that Goldman (I didn’t watch either) was expecting this and prepared accordingly. It’s not any less impressive but I would imagine a big chunk of the answer is just having really prepared for the situation and it would not surprise me if having people yell questions at him was part of the mooting process.
pugsnbourbon
+1. I am a generally anxious person and have struggled with getting flustered/emotional. It took a decent amount of work to address. Therapy, preparation, and compartmentalization have helped. And the occasional klonopin, not gonna lie.
AFT
This is a good list. I am a litigator (probably a combination of #2-4) and think I’m pretty good at keeping a poker face when dealing with intense conflict. Part of this is knowing that you’re doing a job when you’re defending your position, and whether the judge/congress/whomever is unhappy with you, it’s about the position you’ve taken (generally) and the merits of the position – not about you as a person.
The tougher situation is when it IS about something you’ve done, and to me that is a much harder situation. Still, it’s a “turn off your emotions cuz they aren’t helpful” situation…. so maybe that’s more of a #1?
Anon
I don’t get how people do it either. I have what I have seen referred to as a “glass face”…it always reflects what I’m feeling!
BeenThatGuy
I have an emotional switch. In times of stress, I am able to shut down all emotion and think critically and without emotion. Without going into detail, I learned this during my childhood. It was a survival technique. I can honestly say that this behavior has contributed to my success in Corporate America. But I’ve had a lot of therapy to not be like this in my personal life. So it’s a blessing and a curse.
anon
Yeah, same. It’s like a sort of dissociation. It doesn’t bother me when I’m yelled at or insulted at work. I just sit there and literally do not feel anything other than a feeling of calm while the other person goes off and loses it. Being criticized and yelled at was an everyday part of my growing up experience, and I learned to tune it out, so it feels like nothing when it’s happening now. I don’t carry it with me afterwards, either. I just feel sorry for the person who has that much anger and fear in their life and kind of make a note about it, mentally. I’ve had a lot of therapy and I’m pretty okay with myself at this point. I know that when someone loses it on me, it’s about them, not me. If there is any constructive thing I can take away from the experience I do, but otherwise I just move on.
Oddly, I get much more rattled and angry if it happens in an email than I do face to face.
Anon
(Raises hand) This is also me.
I’m so good at adopting a completely neutral expression during times of stress that my own husband struggles to figure out what’s going on.
Anonymous
My aunt worked in customer service and just let things wash over her. There is no amount of verbal abuse that she could not just pack into a box and put away on the shelf. And that is how she is — she didn’t get home and decompress by slamming doors and kicking the dog.
I am a bit like that. But when I win the lottery, I am going back to work b/c I will have acquired the luxury of responding with candor and I am curious what that feels like.
Anon
Yup, same! Minus the therapy. I should probably get on that.
Anonymous
I speak slowly, remember to breath, and try and stay a step removed emotionally from the situation.
Anonymous
I’ve only had to keep my cool for a few hours at a time in court, but this is what I do. You focus on the job in front of you. You remember this is your job, and that is their job, and nothing here is personal. You remember that your face is being observed very closely by a lot of people who will see any little twitch. You take deep breaths. When I feel myself cracking, I’ll look down at my notes or take a sip of water or focus on something in the room just above the speaker’s head – maybe a clock on the wall or some interesting architectural detail or a scuff or cobweb.
Fwiw my emotions totally play across my face in my personal life. I have zero poker face.
Monday
An inspiring example of this is Bree Newsome removing the confederate flag from the South Carolina state house, then peacefully being arrested while reciting the 23rd psalm. The police, for their part, are also just doing their job as required, and who knows how they feel about it either. I love watching someone who knows they are right proceeding calmly, and the civil rights tradition is full of moments like this.
The flag was later formally removed.
anon
My husband is a police officer and regularly has things thrown at/on him, and people scream insults at him literally every day. He frames things simply as factual– “someone is screaming that they hope I die”– rather than emotional -“I’m upset that someone want me to die.” He mostly feels sorry for people who are angry and unhinged, while he gets a decent paycheck and comes home to a peaceful home.
Anonome
I’ve dealt with a constant barrage of incurably ill family members since childhood, so it’s always one medical crisis after another. Dealing with business stress, in comparison, just feels like invented drama to me–no one is in pain or dying, so we’ll just…handle it.
This is both good and bad in that I don’t take work stress home, but I’ve been told that I give the impression that I don’t care about my job.
Housecounsel
I got this once too – that I was so calm after a work disaster people thought I didn’t care. I was supposed to freak out? Really?
Anon
So, this has happened to me too and it really bothered me, to be accused of “not caring” when actually I feel like I just have perspective. I have been through tough stuff in my life, including one two-year period where I lost eight friends and family members to accidents or sudden illness. After that, someone not collating the handouts for a presentation appropriately doesn’t seem that serious. Yes, it’s a problem but we’ll fix it. I am not going to freak out or lose it because honestly, this too shall pass and it’s not worth my tears. My aunt’s wife works as an ICU nurse and has seen mistakes made that have killed people. That’s a whole other level of work stress, one that I will thankfully never experience. I think it helps to keep everything in perspective, but that’s gotten me accused of being “detached” in the past. Like Housecounsel, I want to ask – would you really rather I freak out about this?
Maudie Atkinson
I think the process of legal education and socialization, especially for litigators, cultivates this ability among lawyers (or should, at a minimum).
I have zero poker face in my personal life, but a colleague called me a “sniper” yesterday after a heated meeting with co-counsel because I remained so calm.
all about eevee
I am pretty sure they selected Goldman primarily because of his ability to hold a poker face while being screamed at.
Anon
What’s a great place to shop for shoes in midtown Manhattan?
Anon
There’s a DSW on 34th and 7th. I don’t know about anything else really so I’m interested to see what people post.
NOLA
Macy’s has an enormous shoe floor. There’s an LK Bennett at Columbus Circle.
AIMS
Depends on what kind of shoes you want? Saks has an amazing shoe selection but very pricey. More reasonably, Bloomingdale’s and Saks Off Fifth are near each other on 59th and 57th respectively and both have a lot of options and there are some other shoe stores in the area that you could visit, so I’d probably head there.
Anon
I want to try every kind of bootie under the sun to see if I can find one I can walk miles in. Sounds like Bloomingdales then?
Anon
Clarks are very comfortable.
AIMS
There is a clark’s store behind Bloomingdale’s on Third!
Anonymous
Harry’s is the best for comfortable shoes in the city but it’s in the 80s on the west side.
Anon2
Walking Company? I think there’s one in midtown east.
Anon
My Blondo’s are amazing. Walked all over NYC last week when I was in town for work.
anon
Lets say you have major cycles in your work, with times of intense busyness with a lot of stress and overtime and then there are times where things are completely quiet for weeks at a time, but there is still an expectation that you’ll be in the office during the slow times. What do you do at times like this? I’ve been doing networking lunches, reading training materials, organizing my email box, etc. But I’ve also been reading fiction books on my phone. Is that bad? If any work comes up, I do it right away, but it’s the nature of the industry that not much happens in December. Any thoughts of ways to pass the time?
Anonymous
I wouldn’t be pleasure reading in case caught. Can you create any sort of planning system to aid when busy or clean up files or email so your more efficient when things ramp again ? Once that’s done, I’d also focus on skill building/resume lifting. Can you work toward a certification or even just do some internet or Lynda lessons to pick up new skills? Pitch and then write an article for your industry’s association or trade group? Volunteer to help on a project in another department? Create a project of your own that will be useful to your company?
Anonymous
This is life as a litigator. I catch up on cases that have been decided since the last time I came up for air, write articles, update my contact list for networking events/holiday cards, update my business plan, research various conferences I might want to go to, develop/update/follow up on my marketing budget requests, send notes to mentors I haven’t seen in a while, visit another office to hang out and say hi to people, chat with coworkers I haven’t worked with in a while.
On a personal note, I’d add – During slow times, I have the emotional energy to plan stuff with friends instead of trying my best to show up to whatever they’ve planned. I might put together a dinner party or day at the winery or movie night. I’ll also update my exercise and diet habits because they probably slipped while I was busy.
Anon
I’ve done this after exhausting all manner of training and educational activities. However, I read books in pdf on my screen so they looked like regular documents.
Veronica Mars
A better solution for stealth reading is the Kindle web viewer– make the text smaller and keep it to only half of your screen.
Senior Attorney
I was just going to suggest this.
Senior Attorney
It syncs with your phone so you won’t lose your place.
Anonymous
If you are a lawyer or similar industry — write articles!! It’s so hard to fit that in during busier times. And take a workout break at lunch time :)
Anon
My peer group is not diverse. At all. And I don’t like it.
Since graduating college, I’ve made friends at work, through other friends, through volunteering and activities, and yet demographically they are 90% the same: white, middle-to-upper-middle-class, urban professionals. A few are LGBTQ+ or Jewish, so not totally white/straight/Christian, but still. I don’t really consider that “diverse.” Almost no non-white people.
This was not always the case! I went to a diverse high school and had African-American, Asian-American, and Latinx friends, some of whom I am still in touch with today. I’m more talking about my life now and the kinds of people I cross paths with, almost none of whom are different from me from a demographic perspective.
It really bothers me, but I have no idea how to fix it. I feel like the poster child for obnoxious white guilt: “I don’t know how it happened! I swear I didn’t actively choose this!” When I go through the timeline of my life, it’s like it got whiter and whiter without me realizing it. Elite private college? Very white. Career in communications? Also very white. Nearby yoga studio? Super white.
I do volunteer often so I guess that’s one area that isn’t totally white, but it’s not like I can befriend the people I’m tutoring… that’s not really the place for it.
I genuinely want people in my life from different backgrounds but I am not meeting them. I live in a major city that is diverse on paper but not in practice—people tend to stick to their own neighborhoods and while the city as a whole is diverse, neighborhoods generally are not.
Ugh, even as I type this I feel like it sounds so stupid. Please go easy on me. I really do want to fix it but I don’t want to be the annoying liberal white lady trying to earn points, and I am well aware that I sound like that.
I don’t feel I can talk about this IRL so I came here. Thoughts?
Anon
Move to a mixed neighborhood and take your yoga class there. Join a church. If you’re not married, be open to dating other races.
But if you’re only open to living in an ultra white neighborhood because of “safety” or whatever, you’re perpetuating the problem.
Anon
Also, I’m trying to be easy on you, but choosing your elite college and white yoga studio and white career IS actively choosing this lifestyle. No one chose this for you.
Anonymous
Oh please. Like she’s supposed to go back in time and feel guilty that at 17 she went to the best college she could get into instead of a second tier state school (because even my states flagship state school is super white).
How is this helpful?
Anon
I know, I know. But I was 18 at the time I made some of these life choices and I did not realize the ramifications. I’m waking up to it now. And I want to change it.
Anon
This kind of attitude/statement really doesn’t help advance this type of conversation. I don’t think people need to forego going to the best college they can and choosing the career they will be successful in because of the composition of the population at that college/in those jobs. For the record, I went to a cheapity-cheap state school and I work in a profession that is fairly diverse but I chose that school and this profession for my own reasons. I live in a place where diversity isn’t difficult to achieve given the overall population statistics but if I didn’t live here, I wouldn’t have chosen differently just so I could say that I did it because I value diversity. Saying “I could have gone to Harvard but I went to state U because it’s more diverse!” seems like performative wokeness to me. How about people go to Harvard or go into a communications career and then act as allies and advocate from within for more diversity? Maybe that would work too.
As for the yoga studio – there may be a point there and that may be an easy thing for the OP to change, but I am still not going to advocate someone go, say, 10 miles out of their way to a different yoga studio just because that studio is more diverse. See “performative wokeness” above. I also think there’s a little bit of “yoga is a white-girl thing” coming through in your post that I think is neither true nor helpful.
Anonymous
So obviously yoga isn’t something white people came up with, but surely yoga as we typically access it is often filtered through the heritage of British colonialism and the 60s counterculture? (And I can personally attest that it’s not for everyone, either in terms of “do I want to do this” or in terms of “is it good for my mind or body.”)
Never too many shoes...
+1 to the comment above.
If someone ever said something even close to “I could have gone to Harvard but I went to state U because it’s more diverse!” in my hearing, I would no doubt roll my eyes hard enough to do myself an injury.
Anon
“So obviously yoga isn’t something white people came up with, but surely yoga as we typically access it is often filtered through the heritage of British colonialism and the 60s counterculture?”
Oookay.
(And I can personally attest that it’s not for everyone, either in terms of “do I want to do this” or in terms of “is it good for my mind or body.”)
No one ever said it was. If it’s not for you, that’s fine, but that doesn’t mean that yoga is inherently racist or “colonialist” because you don’t like it. It’s very important, in life, to draw a brightline between “I don’t like this” and “this is bad for everyone.” If you don’t like yoga, that’s fine. You don’t need to come up with some torturous justification for why it isn’t just “not for you,” it’s bad for everyone everywhere always. K?
Anon
No one said that yoga is racist or bad or even that westernizing yoga is racist or bad.
Anon
I think it’s important to be careful about assuming that the things upper middle class culture places at the top of the hierarchy are always “better.” I was miserable the last time I lived in a nice neighborhood, and I think one of my state’s more diverse campuses compares favorably to its flagship university in many ways. White upper middle class culture is a culture of its own. Not everyone would choose the same lifestyle given the same the resources, because we don’t all share the same idea of what’s rewarding or even what’s good.
Anon
I would side-eye a white person SOOOOOO hard if she said “I got into Harvard but went to Local State U because I just didn’t think Harvard was diverse enough.” Performative wokeness is right.
Anon
This. Also no one would believe you got into Harvard.
Anon
I would not believe that you got into Harvard.
Also, since when is the dichotomy “diverse state school” or “non-diverse elite school”? There was far more diversity at my elite university than there was at the flagship state school; state flagship was very white and very middle-class, and, for the most part, people there were from that state and roomed with their friends from high school. My alma mater attracted students from all over the world and was known for giving extremely generous financial aid to kids from very limited means.
Anon
And (at least in my state), Harvard is substantially more diverse than our flagship state schools.
Anon
Same here, I went to an Ivy and it’s much more diverse than the state school I teach at (or our local community college, for that matter).
Anon
“Join a church.”
This is, in itself, a pretty clueless statement biased against those of us who are agnostics or atheists. I am never going to join a church because I don’t believe in organized religion, doesn’t matter which one. Maybe think about more than just racial diversity, if you really want to be woke.
Anon
Repeat with me – this isn’t about you. The mere mention of joining a church community, which is obviously a “don’t consider it if it’s not for me” suggestion – rankles you? Get a grip. You’re the exact sort of religious bigot that makes atheists and agnostics look intolerant to those in religions. We’ll tune you out now.
Anonome
No, it’s a valid point. But it’s interesting how eager you are to erase it.
Anon
Agree with Anon at 10:55. If it’s not applicable to you specifically, move on.
anon
+100 from a fellow atheist
Never too many shoes...
Also +1.
Just passing in the church
I’m not a religious person, but after reading a lot about how “church” lowers blood pressure and churchgoers report less depression and feel more connected, is it wrong that I go because I find their music lovely, talks very interesting, their lunches delicious, and their company welcome? Does it matter that I think most religions have good life lessons vs being a true and sincere believer? Maybe I will have a burning bush moment and become a true believer, but in the meantime is it OK if I clothe the naked and feed the hungry and volunteer via a church (what is in my ‘hood)?
Anonymous
Really? No one should even suggest that OP might consider joining a diverse church because OP MIGHT be an atheist?
Like if OP doesn’t want to join church, like whatever but that doesn’t mean it’s out to lunch to raise it as an idea.
Anonome
+100
OP didn’t say “Join a temple/synagogue/place of worship/spiritual center”but instead defaulted to Christian terminology.
Anonymous
This isn’t competitive wokeness. Someone gave advice based on their own experience. Other posters can suggest a temple or wherever.
Anon
Okay, but we were talking about what helps build a more diverse social circle or community in the US. As far as I know, atheism in the US is predominantly white and at least often pretty educated.
Anon
I’m rolling my eyes so hard at this. Really?
Anon
Demographically, I think so, yes?
I assume the statistics are not counting all the atheists who still participate in religion, which is more common in some religious traditions than in others.
Anonymous
I am not sure that joining a church will expose you to much diversity. Where I live, churches are self-segregated by race and SES. You’ll get interaction with a lot of older people, but they’ll still all be of your race and approximate SES.
anon
OP, I feel like I’m in the same boat, but I live in a racially and economically diverse neighborhood (it’s less than 50% white) and go to the local Y for my yoga classes, and… I’m still not having opportunities to get to know folks who aren’t pretty much like me. And I’m Jewish, so going to services really doesn’t do much to change my status quo. I talk to non-white folks at the bus stop, but that’s just not something that’s going to blossom into a friendship the way seeing someone at yoga class every week might, say. I feel like America is just really segregated :-(
Anon
I think you did actively choose to invest time in activities that, where you live, primarily appeal to white people of a certain social class. So to me this sounds at least partly like a “stuff white people like” outcome (if you remember that old satirical blog aimed largely at elite private college grads). What activities do people with other backgrounds in your city enjoy? Are there any that you would also enjoy?
Anon
OMG. I don’t know how I missed “stuff white people like” but that blog is hysterical and I will be binging it tonight.
Anonymous
That is a fantastic blog.
FWIW, Facebook things I am black. I grew up in the NEUS in a very mixed immigrant-heavy small town and my high school was the same. It must just be from liking things that my friends post? I think I am obviously white, but FB disagrees. [23 and me confirmed it though: 0% African]
Never too many shoes...
It was hilarious. A lot of my friends went to McGill, where it got started, so I really got where they were gong with it.
Anonymous
The one about weekend performance outerwear made me cringe with recognition. About needing to be prepared to go hiking immediately at every moment
Anon
Yeah, solid agree. You are a member of a certain part of the culture that largely attracts people just like you. How can you actively participate in volunteer work and hobbies that don’t only attract upper class white people, or even better, tap into the diverse portions of the activities you like – they are there. Community yoga classes and YMCA yoga classes are one arena.
Anon
I do not think this is stupid because I had the same concern, but on wealth/class. (I’m Black and married to a white guy so my relationships are more racially diverse to start with). I became an upper middle class professional and nearly everyone I became friends with was the same.
What changed for me was my church. My church is socioeconomically diverse. I joined a house/community/small group and became geniune friends with people who make way less than we do. I have so much more balanace, and it is much easier to avoid the ridiculous overscheduled lives that seem normal among really high earners.
Is there a church or community organization in your city where you can meet people? It can be diverse internally or primarily a group that you don’t belong to. (I’m in a couple of black-focused organizations that have white members for example).
anon
+1 that if OP is Christian, church (if thoughtfully selected) can be a great opportunity to become part of a community that is much more diverse in all manner of ways. I remember when I was in college being grateful for my church because it was the only time I hung out with people who weren’t 18-22, for example.
I grew up as part of a minority Christian community that has more POC than white members, and my early church community was mostly Caribbean and Latino as a result. It was also heavily made up of the working poor. In retrospect, having loving and close relationships with people who were poor was super important, given that my family was wealthy and my non-church world was a wealthy bubble.
As an adult I’ve sought out churches that are more diverse in all ways, because churches composed of virtually all wealthy white people just don’t feel right to me – I don’t feel at home. That’s part of what brought me to the Episcopal church I currently attend, which has a substantial Latino and black membership. Even though it’s not the church of my childhood, it feels more like that community and I’m more comfortable.
Anonymous
I purposely moved to a neighbourhood that was economically and ethnically diverse. It’s close to the university and hospital so a number of larger homes with doctors or professors but also a lot of two apartment rental homes and smaller single family homes. University and hospital staff are more ethnically diverse than the general population of my city. I grew up in a big house bubble and I didn’t want that for my kids. The neighbourhood also seems to attract ‘upper middle class professionals’ who are motivated to have their kids grow up in a diverse area so even among the wealthier families there’s not a lot of keeping up with the Joneses.
Anon
Attend a variety of events around your city – concerts, free yoga in the park, cultural events, etc. You’ll meet a different group of people at free yoga than you will at the yoga studio. Also, dip your toes into the political scene – you end up with a large cross-section of people from a wide variety of backgrounds. (That was at least my experience in Republican politics, and I would hope that the other side of the aisle has a similar experience.)
If your field is very white, wealthy, and suburban, get involved in outreach groups. You can’t befriend the college students whom you would be mentoring or speaking to, but you might befriend the other professionals working with you. This has the added benefit of not just being window-dressing on your life: you would actively be making the field more inclusive to people from different backgrounds.
Anon
Why does it bother you? Do you think you can get something different out of friendships with people of other races than you can from white friends? Do you think your group *should* be diverse because that’s PC?
Anonymous
This. I’m struggling to understand why this is an issue for OP. Other than she needs something to be woke about? You normally gravitate to people that you have things in common with. This doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you human. Stop trying to hard and just live your life.
Anon
None of these activities in your life were specifically designed to avoid diversity. Sometimes living in the area you want to live or doing the activities you want to do results in less diversity than in your ideal world. Please don’t go seek out a new hobby just because it’s diverse – seek out something you actually want to do and would enjoy, and then see if there are ways to improve on the diversity side. This should also be done thoughtfully; there are plenty of crappy activities, charities, and hot takes on Instagram about “centering black experiences” that are just weird and fetishized. Don’t make that problem worse.
Anon
On the same token, for every “seemingly white” or less diverse hobby, there is alway a strong contingent of diverse hobbyists who are often excluded from the main stream hobby due to wealth, class, place you live, race, gender etc. (see D&D and cosplay as prime examples) so you could always reach out and see where these communities gather.
Anon
I worry that my life is similarly non-diverse but here are some of the places I’ve made some progress. For class diversity, I became very involved with my local animal shelter. I am now friends with many of the volunteers and staff members. This happened organically and only in retrospect did I see that we are in very different socio-economic groups. I also reconnected through FB (around a high school reunion) w/ people living very different lives from me. Some are hard working blue collar workers. Some are recovering addicts. Some are in and out of jail. Their posts keep me in check regarding struggles that I don’t otherwise encounter.
For racial diversity, I joined a racially diverse board of a local community health center. I did not join for the purpose of befriending people of different races. This was just a welcome side effect. Community health centers are required to have racially diverse boards and are required to have a certain number of board members that are patients.
Lastly, while I’m a lawyer in a mostly white bar, I practice an area of law where my clients are regular people and very diverse. I do Plaintiff’s side PI and employment plus family law.
Even in communications, you could probably find a way to expand your practice to have a more diverse client base.
Anonymous
I have seen a few times on this site the suggestion that people move to a more diverse neighborhood. But, has anyone actually done this? Meaning, you own a home (not renting), you are married/committed SO, you having kid(s)/are TCC or pregnant, you have a mortgage that has more than 10 years left on it, and your home is in what would likely be considered a “white” neighborhood. I’m trying to see how many people have made this significant change when the circumstances are such that they have a mortgage to deal with (and aren’t just going to pay it off in the next few years) and have more than just themselves to move/consider in this process.
I love my house and neighborhood, but it is definitely in a “white” neighborhood. Like OP, I have lived a very, very white life (work in law and attended a small, elite private collage (also throw boarding school for high school in there)). I also have 25+ years left on a mortgage, a husband, and a baby to consider. I like my house in part because it’s close to my job and my husband’s job, it’s a historic home that we want to continue to fix up and preserve, and it’s on a lovely tree lined street with places we can walk to. It would be a significant undertaking to have to sell our house, move and buy a new one with a 5 month old baby. I understand it’s a huge privilege for me to be able to write this post, but I am just curious as to how many people have followed this advice of moving to a diverse neighborhood?
Anon
Personally, I chose my town because it’s safer than my previous town while also being cheaper and closer to the activities that I enjoy in my free time. It’s a privilege to have that choice, obviously. I don’t fret about the fact that it’s 78% white (compared to 60% white in my last town) because I need to focus on what helps my life run day-to-day, not on abstract, white-person debates about whether it’s diverse enough. Only white people really have the ability to handwring like this and I don’t really want to be a part of that. I’d rather continue to work in a diverse field and work with colleagues from different backgrounds and perspectives and then live wherever makes me happiest.
Anonymous
For the record, I am white and my husband is black. I’m pregnant with our first. We live in a major East Coast city and are high earners. We just purchased a new home. If you think my husband and I didn’t “handwring” about the diversity of our new home’s neighborhood because that’s just a silly white person debate, you are wrong. We care deeply about finding a diverse neighborhood where our kid can be exposed to lots of different kinds of people, because we think that will make him or her a better person.
Anon
That’s my point, though – you could worry about it because you’re high earners and you could have chosen to live elsewhere. For so, so many people, where you live is not a meaningful choice. Also, of course you should take diversity into account if you have the choice – I did too. I just meant that I’m not going to obsess punish myself over it (nor do I think others should) if it’s not the MOST diverse area I’ve ever lived or of it’s not as diverse as in my ideal world.
Anonymous
I did it. We moved during my second pregnancy. It’s super hard to get into our neighborhood. It took us 7 years to find the right combination of quiet street and bigger house because the neighborhood is a mix of housing styles and very popular for its diveristy and excellent public school, the better houses rarely come on the market. My house has never been on the market since it was built 40 years ago, we sent letters around the neighborhood and convinced the owners to sell a year earlier than they originally planned. When our next door neighbors moved, my boss’ sister bought the house when I told my boss it was going to go on the market. Her sister had been looking in our neighborhood for 5 years. Two other parent-friends at my kid’s school are vaguely annoyed at me that I didn’t tell them about the next door house first. Really good neighborhoods are hard to get into.
Anonymous
I followed it before buying a house in a white enclave. When I house hunted, with the intention of having kids soon, I looked for a town with diverse schools.
anon
I have 2x moved to much lower income communities than where I grew up. First time was for my job, 2nd time was for DH and I to solve the 2-body problem. But it’s not a coincidence, because he and I both chose low-paid work we believe is helping our communities. Lived in unsafe/unhealthy rentals to do it, although we’re about to buy an awesome house now.
Anon
I have. On more than one occasion when DH and I have moved to a new city, we first lived in recommended “nice” (read: WHITE) neighborhoods, found the lack of diversity to be extremely unsettling, and moved to much more diverse neighborhoods.
I grew up in a very diverse environment and similar to OP went to a private college and entered a career path not known for a lot of diversity, so I’d say the majority of mine and DH’s friends from college are white and middle/upper class and actually have chosen extremely white neighborhoods. But I have a more well rounded experience and circle because we just didn’t do that – we’ve actively made choices to combat this. We looked at the diversity make-up of the public schools in our area and ruled neighborhoods with schools that were overwhelmingly white. I’m multiracial so it feels authentic for me to require diversity in my environment.
OP: You live the life that you want to lead. If it matters to you, you’ll do it. I promise I’m not trying to sound accusatory, but is it possible that what you’re feeling is not actual displeasure with the structure of your life but just guilt that you like your life and are acutely aware of what it looks like from the outside? I think it’s a really interesting thing to think about, but seriously – if you don’t like it do something about it! I can 100% point to concrete choices I’ve made that have enriched the diversity in my life (and choices that my parents made that did that for me), so this is entirely possible. Good luck!
Anon
You’re not going to make diverse friends so long as you live, work, and socialize in homogenous places. I mean, unless you want to move to a more diverse neighborhood or go out of your way to traverse to other parts of the city to socialize, you aren’t going to make friends different from you. So, yeah, it’s exactly “white guilt but won’t do anything out of my comfort zone to change it”. Honestly, you’re just going to have to learn to live with it if you don’t want to make lifestyle changes – it’s ok to live in discomfort when you aren’t okay with the personal changes required (I only say this in more innocuous situations like your choice of home or yoga studio, not shrugging when you vote for a racist politician in a “welp, not me” way).
One way I’ve found to expand my social circle – volunteer with organizations that not only serve more diverse populations but that attract VOLUNTEERS who are diverse. There are plenty of working professional who you can befriend that serve on the board of X charter school, teach classes at the local dress for success, teach zumba or yoga at the lower income area YMCA.
Anonymous
[deleted by mgmt]
emeralds
This comment is appalling and should be deleted.
Anonymous
Agreed.
Anon
Wow you sound like a nice person.
PolyD
I have to believe this is the same person who’s always saying that she’ll (maybe a she?) will vote for Trump because her 401K is doing well. At least I want to believe it’s the same person!
Anon
I’m confident it’s the same person, very similar syntax and tone.
Anon
There’s a bunch of similar comments over the last few months and the language always sounds similar, so I assume it’s one person. Hard to tell whether it’s someone who actually holds the views or trolling.
Anon
Go away, Ivanka.
Anonymous
Pretty sure everyone else in DC/Northern VA wishes you weren’t their neighbor too.
Anon
Or maybe my 11:17 AM comment is wrong, and in fact all “normal people” want the same things, it’s just that some people win and some lose. I guess what I experience as contentment must just be sour grapes!
Anonymous
I get it. I grew up in Southern NJ – very white and Asian in some towns. So you have Asian diversity yet Asian families are just as educated and have the same wealth (and let’s be real – more education and wealth in many cases). To me that’s good diversity. Northern Va has been a shock. Supposedly one of the wealthiest areas in the country and every third person is illegal or legal but doesn’t speak English – suggesting that their education level back home isn’t what it was for the Indian and Chinese American communities I grew up with. To say nothing of the huge homeless population. I can’t see spending 800-1mil+ for a house in the area if this is the surrounding demographic. The only place I could see buying would be McLean or Bethesda.
pugsnbourbon
… do you work for ICE? Do you ask for immigration papers from every person you meet?
I know you’re a small, petty troll but come on. Get a real hobby.
Anon
I don’t agree with how this comment is expressed, but I actually think there’s a larger point here. It’s kind of messed up for the most privileged people to act like they don’t want what most poor people strive for – a stable neighborhood free of major crime, good educational opportunities for their kids, good cultural opportunities, etc. How very privileged it is to be able to afford those things but CHOOSE to live somewhere that many other people wish they could leave and can’t. Of course, this may be tempered by the fact that most rich white people want to live in diverse neighborhoods insofar as they are not truly unsafe (e.g., white people want to live in Oakland, but only in Rockridge or the hills and not East Oakland), but I think it’s still something to think about.
Anon
Yes, it is very privileged to know that your children will get a good education even if they don’t go to the best school you can afford (ex., tutors, help from parents who have a pile of degrees, or that your child will be safe even if you don’t live in the safest possible town (ex., you have a babysitter drive her home from school every day).
Anonymous
OMG. No one is suggesting anyone move to a poverty stricken, crime ridden neighborhood. But I grew up in the land of McMansions and I didn’t want that bubble for my kids. There’s a LOT of neighborhoods in this country in between 3 car garage McMansions and living in the inner city projects.
Anon
+1,000 the fact that Anon at 11:40 can’t grasp the fact that there are neighborhoods where there is diversity that are still “stable neighborhood free of major crime, good educational opportunities for their kids, good cultural opportunities, etc.” is exactly the problem.
The more people insist on ignoring the fact that white people have a long, insidious history of keeping minorities out of their white spaces, then creating value systems that favor their white spaces as superior (i.e. hate to break it to you, your fancy “best in class” K-6 school is probably not even that much better than the school in the next neighborhood over with a more balanced melanin content; the horror!), the more this issue is going to abound.
Guess I shouldn’t complain – I would never live in one of those neighborhoods so super easy avoidance for me.
Anon for this
Yup, I totally understand.
For me, I chose to live in a diverse community. Then the people I meet locally – neighbors, volunteering colleagues, during social activities – are more diverse. I also grew up modestly and do not feel as comfortable anyway in an all white upper class environment, no matter how much $$ I make. Very different values.
I live on the boarder of Chicago – a crazy segregated city. So I chose to live in Oak Park – socioeconomically diverse, ethnically/racially diverse, and amazingly even a mix of political views – a pretty good place. But it is still not diverse enough for me. I will leave when my work situation changes.
I like the idea of joining a church for diversity, but I am atheist. I go to Church of Beethoven instead, which granted is not very diverse…..
You have to decide to make the effort. And if you have a family/kids, it is even more important to make this effort, in my opinion. Our bubbles are getting smaller and smaller….
Anon
I’m not sure why many of the commentors (not the OP) are expressing that there are only two choices – safe and white neighborhood or unsafe and non-white. I am a white immigrant and I have lived my entire life in neighborhoods that were less than 25% american born white — it’s been a mix of white immigrant, non-white immigrant, and other types of neighborhoods, but always a mix of working and middle class. I have always felt as safe – comfortable walking home alone at night, never had a break in, etc. My current neighborhood is about 25% white, american born, and then a mix of immigrant and american-born non-white. Some of the immigrants are from a similar background to me, but not all. It’s safe and the schools are good and diverse, both in ethnicity and socioeconomic status. These neighborhoods exist and should be more common.
Anonymous
Racism is why they think the choices are non-white dangerous inner city neighborhood or safe suburban white neighborhood. They can’t contemplate that one might want to live in a UMC racially diverse neighborhood because in their mind, POC are poor, possibly illegal and dangerous.
Anon
This depends on what area of the country you are in, and it even varies among large cities.
Anonymous
No. No it doesn’t ‘vary’. There are non-poor POC everywhere in this country.
Anon
You are beyond ignorant, so this will not have an effect on you, but might educate other people (lest your ignorance spread):
There are areas of the country in which it is easier to find a large concentration of middle-class or upper-middle-class minorities. Yes, every town likely has at least one homeowning black couple, but there’s a massive difference between living in a town of 25,000 people with literally 1% of the population being homeowning minorities (I grew up in a such a town in the ’90s, about 15 miles from Boston), and living in a town with a substantial population of well-to-do minorities.
If you feel motivated, look at the large cities in the U.S., and drill down into the data on diversity. Look into the suburbs of those cities, figure out which have the best schools, and look at the demographics of those towns.
Anon
I also present you with this article from Forbes: “The Cities Where African-Americans Are Doing the Best Economically”: https://www.forbes.com/sites/joelkotkin/2018/01/15/the-cities-where-african-americans-are-doing-the-best-economically-2018/
Anon
My partner really misses living in a neighborhood like this. I know it’s what he would want for our kids if we had them.
Anon for this
Totally agree with you.
I think part of it is that people are less willing to move to neighborhoods that are clearly mixed income. And more ethnically/racially diverse neighborhoods tend to be more mixed/lower income than many on this board. Oak Park….. where I live is a bit of an anomaly….. mixed income, good schools, but it is still unaffordable for many. And in my most liberal/progressive friend group, when they have kids and the discussion of schools comes up…. everyone throws their diversity hats out the window and it comes down to whatever they have decided is “best for their kids”. It is amazing to see.
Anon
If the schools they “should” send their kids to are violent and low-performing, I gotta say I’m on their side. It’s really neat in the abstract to say that everyone should just go ahead and send their kids to their neighborhood school and then everything will just sort itself out. In the real world, that doesn’t work so well. We moved out of a neighborhood where even minority, low-education, low-income parents (which was about 70% of the neighborhood) wouldn’t send their kids to the neighborhood school, because they’d had a series of pedophile teachers come through and a series of incidents where kids under 10 were found with guns and/or illegal drugs in their backpacks. The school is being closed because enrollment dropped to under 300 kids as everyone who could put their kids in charter, parochial or private schools, or homeschooled, or transferred their kids out of district. Two excellent free charters and a low-cost parochial school started in the districted area for that elementary school and within 5 years it was clear what families were choosing to do about the failing elementary school in their neighborhood. I love school choice. It means that no one – not even a kid from a disadvantaged family – has to get stuck in a school that is dangerous or ineffective. Given accountability measures that have been put in place and the amount of data everyone has access to about school performance, educators should understand their performance is being scrutinized and underperformance carries consequences. Kind of like how it works for literally everyone else in the world who works at a job.
Anon
Yeah, if you choose the all-white, high-performing school over the less white, equally performing school, you might be a racist. If you choose the all-white, high-performing school over the mostly non-white, very low-performing school with significant safety and violence concerns…not so much.
Seventh Sister
and there are plenty of people who will pick the all-white, high-performing school over the diverse school with lower test scores, without bothering to even tour the diverse school or parse out the lower test scores.
FLW
Also an Oak Parker *waves*. I’ve also noticed that everyone talks about how we should be collectively willing to pay higher taxes, yet individually appeals their property taxes.
Anon
Wow why were a bunch of comments deleted, including thoughtful responses to the one racist one? That’s an…interesting way to m0derate this site.
nona
Probably because they were nested responses to the one that was deleted. They didn’t have anywhere to go/sit without the parent comment.
Senior Attorney
When my son was little we stumbled into a martial arts class at the local (mostly white) rec center. Turned out it was taught by a guy who had a studio in a much more diverse part of town, and we started taking classes there and had a ton of friends of a variety of ethnicities.
If you’re willing to branch out from yoga, look for some activities with a more diverse clientele.
Also be careful about joining a church for diversity. The old saying that the most segregated hour in America is 10 a.m. on Sunday morning is still, sadly, largely true.
HW
Can anyone help me find a couch that can withstand a cat occasionally using it as a scratching post? My dad asked me to help him find a new “cat friendly” sofa but I’m not sure what to look for or whether such a thing even exists. Any recommendations for specific fabric types or furniture brands?
Anon
Nubby fabrics are more tempting to cats than smooth fabrics. Anything that makes their paws spread apart will trigger the scratching response. Make sure they have a tall scratching post to use rather than the tall arm of the couch, because a lot of it is about stretching upright.
I personally have a firm leather couch. The cats don’t scratch on it. I’ve had it for 20+ years and at least six cats so it’s holding up well. It does have some scratch marks here and there but that’s more from the very occasional rough cat play, or abuse from humans. They are not tempted to sharpen their claws on it.
Anon
People say velvet is good because the weave is very tight.
Anonymous
counterpoint–velvet was horrible for me with my cat. i read all the same articles that recommended velvet–she somehow worked her claws into it, and ultimately, the velvet couch looked worse than the more textured fabric that i had previously (because on smooth velvet, the claw marks are so visible)
DoesntBelongHere
Microsuede is not appealing to my cat
Anonymous
Ultrasuede is relatively scratch resistant.
Anon
Counterpoint, my ultra suede ikea couch was my cats’ favorite thing in the world to scratch, hands (claws) down.
Go for it
I have a slip covered couch. Mine ignores the duck cover & goes after the faux linen one. What helped was a Swiss cheese chunk cardboard cat scratching item from pet store that I sprinkle with catnip on the regular. I place it next to the couch.
Anon
I got a couch from Pottery Barn with one of their upgraded leather options and it has survived my Siberian husky. She’s not allowed on the couch itself but will swipe a paw at it to get my attention when I’m laying around and not taking her for a walk. Maybe take a look at high quality leather?
HW
These are all very helpful suggestions! Thank you everyone!
Anonome
We have microfiber, and it has stood up very well to our permanent cats and to a revolving door of foster kittens over the past 10-12 years. Don’t recall the brand, but it came from Raymour & Flanigan.
Senior Attorney
I had leather sofas and cats for years and the cats never bothered them. Agree that nubby fabrics are irresistable to the kitties.
Anonymous
Does anyone have American Airlines Gold status? Is it worth paying nearly $1k to have it through the end of next year? I generally fly American because I live near a hub, but I don’t have an AA credit card so I only accumulate points through their rewards program. Lounge access, and free upgrades and checked bag would be nice, but I’m not sure if it’s worth $1k/year. Thoughts from anyone who uses it?
Anon
I have it. It’s worth very little, IMO. Gold status definitely does not include lounge access. You get a free checked bag and early boarding, which is nice, but would not be worth $1k to me, especially if you’re not flying enough to earn status on your own. International upgrades are virtually impossible with gold status; domestic upgrades are fairly rare and most often on really short daytime flights where it doesn’t matter. One thing to consider is can you buy Gold status with miles? I renewed my status with miles, which felt worth it to me since I find it almost impossible to use my earned miles (I’m often locked into very specific dates/times for travel).
OP
Thanks, this is helpful. Unfortunately no I don’t have enough miles to buy Gold status. I didn’t realize you don’t get lounge access, thanks for pointing that out! I’ve been looking into getting an AA card and I must’ve gotten the benefit confused.
Nesprin
I’ve got the lowest cost AA credit card, and I get to board early and 1 free checked bag as well.
Anon
You need to do the math on this one. You can figure out how much lounge access costs on a one-day pass ($59, I think), how often you would use it, how often you check bags, what the upgrades are worth to you and how easy they are to get, and how often you fly.
My sense is that unless you fly American a lot, you would be best paying for these amenities as the year goes on.
Anon for this
The AA executive card is $450 a year – it does not entitle you to any upgrades, but does cover one checked bag per person and gets you lounge access on days you are flying American. We did the math and figured out it made sense for how much we travel (too little to get it on status, but enough that we at least break even on bags and airport spending, and if you wait for a good mileage sign-up bonus, you can get a free trip to Europe out of it.) We almost always fly American thanks to lack of choice in Philly so the fact you need to be flying American to use it hasn’t affected us much. It also covers Precheck and Global Entry though that’s obviously only a once-in-five-years perk.
LawDawg
We also have the AA credit card that includes lounge access. Being able to have breakfast, snacks, drinks at the airport pays for the card. Especially when we fly as a family of 4. Not to mention the quiet, comfortable place to sit. The free checked bag only applies to the primary cardholder. That works as long as everyone is on the same reservation and traveling together. I can use the lounge on my own, but don’t get a free bag.
Anon for this
Same Anon as above — I’m the secondary cardholder; my husband and I can each check 1 bag for free (at least while we’re traveling together?). I’ve used the lounge without him but haven’t checked a bag while traveling alone.
anonchicago
I have AA Gold, and have had some level of AA status (Gold through Plat Pro) since 2013. I get upgraded very rarely, slightly more often when I was PP. Gold members aren’t allowed to select Main Cabin Extra seats when booking, only 24 hours out when most are taken. I live in an AA hub and by Group 4 (Gold boarding) half the plane is already on so that doesn’t add much value to me.
The main benefits for Gold are the free checked bag and the elite customer service number, where you get through to a competent person almost immediately when you have a flight issue.
I don’t think the free checked bag is worth paying up to Gold; much better to just get the credit card that would cover a bag and lounge access.
hi hi hi
I have Gold status and would not pay for it. As someone else mentioned, it is not going to get you lounge access. The primary benefit for me is upgrading to Main Cabin Extra at check-in (which I do whenever possible so I’d say $500-$600 of value a year) because I have a credit card that gets me early boarding and free checked bag. I may get upgraded to First/Business 2-3 per year (using 500 mile upgrades).
I agree that if lounge access is what you are looking for, go the credit card route. I’m considering it myself since I’m traveling more frequently for work.
Anon
This dress is gorgeous.
Boden-less
I agree. I’ve been eyeing this dress for a while hoping it might go on sale. If it ever does, I’m sure they’ll be out of my size. (As happened with the Boden Jessica sleeveless ponte dress in broad bean green–sigh.)
Book-gift thread
Could we have a thread about favorite books lately? I’m looking for gift ideas, but I’m always curious about others’ taste anyway.
anon
GIDEON THE NINTH. I cannot recommend it strongly enough. Best book I’ve read this year.
Childhood frenemies raised in a necromantic death cult travel to another planet to try to win a game that will result in one of them receiving eternal life and a bangin’ promotion. It’s truly fantastic and the cover is one of the best I’ve seen in years.
Anonymous
that sounds right up my alley! bought!
Anon
The best books I read recently were Resistance Women and Girl at War. The latter is a fairly quick but dark read. The former is long and based on true events, but it revived my flagging interest in WWII fiction.
Anon
Some top books this year – Radium Girls, Station Eleven, The Gentlemen’s Guide to Vice and Virtue.
Carrots
Loved Station Eleven – so excited to see it become a movie!
Senior Attorney
Wait, what???? Yay!!!
Carrots
https://www.tor.com/2019/10/18/station-eleven-hbo-max-mackenzie-davis-himesh-patel/
Sorry – not a movie, but HBO Max has announced the leads
Senior Attorney
This makes me so happy!
JS
If you haven’t read Where the Crawdads Sing yet, that’s in the running for my book of the year. Circe was my favorite book last year. At the Water’s Edge was a surprise love for me. The Perfume Collector was very interesting.
lydia
I really liked Sally Rooney’s Normal People. Also Yoko Ogawa, The Memory Police, and Kevin Wilson’s Nothing to See Here.
Anon
I loved Normal People. Best book I read this year. Also loved The Paris Wife by Paula McLain and Born a Crime by Trevor Noah.
Anonforthis
I wanted to like Normal People but I couldn’t get past the lack of quotation marks.
UHU
Not necessarily new this year, but new to me, a few that I recently read and loved:
The Gift of Fear, Gavin deBecker
China Mountain Zhang, Maureen F. McHugh
The Most Powerful Woman is You, Lydia Fenet
The Princess and the Dressmaker (kids, graphic, so good), Jen Wong
An Ocean of Minutes, Thea Lim
Mo Meta Blues, Amir “Questlove” Thompson
The Stranger, Albert Camus
The Hate U Give, Angie Thomas
Carrots
*Cracks fingers, does the finger wiggle down to keyboard, and pulls up my Goodreads account for all of my recent 5 and 4 star ratings*
“The Boys in the Boat” – not into crew at all, but the story really was more about the development of the team and the staff and just happened to center around crew.
“This Tender Land” – such a good epic adventure sent in Minnesota during the Depression. Some mention of child abuse so avoid if that’s a trigger.
“Ella Minnow Pea” – story told in letters about an island where the letters keep falling off a statue and so the government declares they can’t use those letters anymore
“The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo” – witty, fun, sad at times, but a great overall story about an actress narrating her life story for a journalist
“A Man Called Ove” – a curmudgeonly old gentleman coming back into life after the death of his wife through a variety of interactions with neighbors
Housecounsel
The best things I’ve read this year areThe Testaments, Margaret Atwood’s prequel/sequel to Handmaid’s Tale and Saeed Jones’ memoir, How We Fight For Our Lives.
Vicky Austin
I loved Boys in the Boat.
My greatest hits recently have been The Great Alone (tw for spousal abuse and death), The Five People You Meet In Heaven, The All-Girl Filling Station’s Last Reunion.
Anon
+1 to the Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo.
Coco
Just finished The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo and really enjoyed it.
Senior Attorney
I was just coming here to start this exact thread!
I finished Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine last night and loved it (although found it a bit hard to get into at first). And Catch and Kill, of course, was amazing.
anon
Just finished An Absolutely Remarkable Thing and was devastated when it suddenly ended. Sequel will come out next spring I believe.
Does this hair product exist?
Is there a hair product (pomade? wax? cream of some sort?) that I can put on the little streak of gray on my part that will help the sort ones not puff up or stick up straight? The rest of my hair is fine and straight. The gray ones have a lot of baby hairs in them that grow only to 2-3 inches and are capable of sticking straight up on their own. Hairspray is not the answer. I think that something with some oil in it may help stick them in the down position.
A tiny bit of Vaseline has worked in a pinch before, but I cannot think that that is the right answer on a day to day basis.
Abby
Smoothing serum? I’ve used Garnier Fructis and Tresemme before.
Monday
Check out Lush R&B. Dryness is part of the problem.
Anonymous
Any “sticky” product will work. I personally use a tiny quick swipe of the E.L.F. clear Cosmetics Shape & Stay Wax Pencil. It’s three bucks and can be swiped on the individual hair and laid down. If you have it handy, touching wiping over the hairs a bit of solid beeswax or hair butter (shea or coco – I have this leaying around due to making bath soaps and what not) work just as well.
A pomade would work but may be too heavy for your hair. After the wax stick, a strong hold gel will work well, but may make your hair hard.
Dealtwiththis
No answers here but I’m having this same problem!
Anon
I use clear mascara to put baby hairs in place. But also Rudy’s pomades work great for the really stubborn/ short ones.
jumpingbacon
Aveda Brilliant anti-humectant pomade. A very very tiny amount rubbed on your fingertips and lightly rubbed through your hair works like magic. Maybe get a sample from an Aveda store or salon.
Pesh
Help! Our office manager is organizing a holiday gift exchange/white elephant for my small office. Everyone has to bring in a gift around $20 (for either gender) that is nice (her exact words: not a trashy gift). BUT….the gift has to start with a “P”. Sigh. Any ideas for a gender neural, non-trashy, “P” gift? Thanks for the help ladies!
Abby
Popcorn gift set – seasoning, popcorn buckets, kernels?
The original Scarlett
Personal Starbucks card ;)
Monday
Go to a bookstore and browse the P author’s section? I think with a theme that whimsical nobody would argue with that.
FP
Pumpkin spice candle
Peppermint candy/cookies/lotion
Anon
Lord save us from office managers with bright ideas. Prosecco?
Senior Attorney
PROSECCO!!
Anon
Prosecco is always the answer.
anon a mouse
Can you do booze? $20 bottle of Pinot noir.
Otherwise: potted plant? Pez dispensers?
Anon.
Pumpkin Spice flavored something
Picture frame
Potholders
fancy Paperclips? (I’ve seen a nice paperclip bookmark for instance)
anon
Good lord this is dumb.
Anonymous
I would straight up rebel against the P. That’s just dumb.
Anon
I don’t know why but the first “p” thing I thought of was “Pembroke Welsh Corgi” which also led me to “Puppies.” I’d do a Tervis or Swell with either on it.
Anonymous
Portable (cell)phone power bank
Pancake mix (protein pancake mix, even)
2020 planner
A.
Potted plant
Party favors (IDK what this would be…)
Personal assistant (you can sometimes get an Alexa for ~$20)
Anonymous
Fancy pens? Something peppermint? Paperweight?
nutella
Pot holders, pepper grinder, plant/poinsettia, puzzle (of any kind!), Pocky/Pez/Poprocks, Peanut Butter cups, peppermint patties (assortment of p-candy), Pears/Papaya/Peach (assortment of P-fruit basket), I think the popcorn idea above is a great one, popsocket, pens, pencils, nicer pen caddy for desk, nice pad of paper, picture frame, phone display/holders for next to your desk (I think Kat featured one once), a (lumbar) pillow for desk chair, a carafe for water at your desk (call it a pitcher). If those fail, you can go use the P in descriptors like a Pink/purple item or a Paper Mache item or a Pewter item or a Personalized item or a Portable item.
pugsnbourbon
Pizza stone! $10 at Target.
nuqotw
Plush toy (pterodactyl?)
anon
Phone charger (if this is at all holiday themed, there’s one on a m a z o n that has bulbs and looks like a string of xmas lights that lights up when its plugged in).
ceej
Pick your gift, and put a sticker/ note on it to explain the “P” element. Overall, take the “P” loosely. She may be annoyed with you, but others in the office will appreciate it.
Pottery – a mug, dish, bowl
Perfumed candle
Plug- a portable battery charger, a travel charger plug
Power- Workout gear like resistance bands, weights, sweat towel, water bottle
Peace- Noise-canceling headphones, a peacefully scented candle, lavender pillow spray, bath stuff
Presence- a board/card game, Bluray movie and popcorn (time with family)
Pan- A $20 skillet or other baking item from Ross or TJ Max or HomeGoods
Play- a game or toy like a rubiks cube, thinking putty, kenetic sand, magnet tiles
Anon
Maybe a NYE theme with Prosecco and party poppers (those confetti popper things) and a 2020 planner/calendar.
Or one of the food themed baskets – pizza, popcorn, peppermint, etc.
Anonymous
Purple travel mug, charger or whatever else you would normally think of without regard to color.
Anon
Phase 10 and another fun card game.
Anonymous
Anything by PG Wodehouse
Looking for bag inspiration
All, I need your thoughts on bags. My track record of buying ones I end up liking is pretty poor. I have a black leather work tote I like, but I have no inspiration for more casual settings. What bags do you use for weekend errands? For travel? For going out? I end up stuffing my items into a cognac Dooney and Burke crossbody that’s a little too small for water bottle, hat, or gloves and looks a little juvenile. What are you all doing that looks cute! I love to buy used when I can.
Anon
Errands on the weekend, I use a little leather backpack. Keeps me hands free. I have am anti theft one from Amazon that is simple, black, and even has a shoulder strap to be worn as a tote. Fits my 12 inch laptop too (not much else if that’s in there). Going out, I try to find clutches that have something a little “extra” about them because I dress very simply. Either a bright red or yellow, or a mixed material black bag.
Anon
I love bags. My work tote is a Tumi and I often use that for travel as well since it’s a good size. I have tons of non-work bags, but my usual weekend bags are Kate Spade (I have black for winter and cream for summer). I think they’re good quality and I like the feminine aesthetic. I also have a few clutches for going out.
Anonymous
I use this as a clutch: https://love41.com/catalog/product/view/id/15263/s/envelope-laptop-case/category/38/
I have a lot of giant bags for weekends that I don’t use / love / know how to switch up with my OG work bag. I just bring phone + wallet + keys on weekends, so smaller bags save my shoulders.
A.
I currently use a neutral-colored (between cream and camel) Kate Spade leather hobo/bucket hybrid purse on the weekends, but I also like a crossbody if it’s just errands. One of my best friends has a small green leather Tory Burch backpack and I’m not usually into that brand, but it’s really cute and seems very functional.
I posted yesterday about looking for a big weekend purse-ish tote (I know, I know) that could also convert to a backpack, and ended up buying the Patagonia Ultralight Black Hole Tote Pack. My weekend needs are kid soccer/basketball + errands + being out of the house for 6+ hours, so I’m hoping it fits the bill. This is probably way bigger than what you want, but I figured I’d throw it out there.
Abby
DH & I were invited to his attending’s Christmas party for this weekend (he’s a resident). Only 4-5 residents were invited out of 21, should we bring a gift? I was thinking a bottle of wine – how nice of a bottle is appropriate? I know him and his wife drink, or is there something else we should bring?
Anonymous
Yes. A $20 bottle of wine as a host gift.
Flats Only
Nice bottle of champagne they can drink on new year’s eve. It’s seasonal, and easier to pick – they’ll help you at the wine store and there are many fewer choices. I would go for a $50 price point.
anon
Bottle of wine in the $25 range. I don’t think spending more than that is necessary given that he’s a resident. Plus, nicer wine than that will be wasted on them if they’re not wine people (and if they are wine people, I wouldn’t bring them wine because wine people tend to have such strong preferences – get fancy chocolate in that case).
Rioja or anything from Portugal will be good value in that price range.
A.
My go-to move in this situation is to visit a small, reputable wine shop in our area and ask them for a recommendation for something good in my selected price range. I drink everything wine-wise, so I’m not good at discerning what would be best. Just passing this recommendation along in case your wine expertise is similar to mine!
anon
My husband is also a resident and we sometimes get invited to dinner parties like these as well. I always bring a host(ess) gift and we are always the only people who do. I usually do a $5-10 plant (usually a mini orchid) from Trader Joe’s or sometimes a very small box of fancy chocolate.
Anon
Also a resident spouse – my go to move is to bring a bottle of wine that’s a little nicer than I would buy myself, but not like crazy expensive ($20-$30). Since I”m by no means a connoisseur, I usually find something that’s in my price range and well-reviewed in the Washington Post wine guide (i’m in the DMV, so I can search for ones available at liquor stores near me).
Abby
Thanks everyone, I appreciate the advice!
Anonymous
I’ve been reading this blog for a long time–since I was in my mid 20s and had friends in law school/just entering the workforce. I am not a lawyer. DH is not a lawyer. But we have friends from college who went to law school and still practice, and now that we are mid/late 30s and live in a Nice Suburb, we have friends and neighbors in law. My perception of “working in law” is mostly through this board, since I don’t usually chat with my college friends and neighbors and other parents at soccer games about their work.
All this complaining and putting-on-a-pedestal of Partners had me cracking up this weekend. My college friend, who is now an income partner at a top Boston firm, spends her free time knitting, crafting, and trolling the internet for outfits for her dog. She was at my holiday cookie swap and brought like 300 cookies she made herself (which is insane regardless of career and free time). If you met her at my party, you’d think she worked a regular 9-5.
Separately, my daughter’s best friend’s dad has become a family friend over the past year. He never mentioned it, but the name of his law firm sounded familiar so one day I googled him. He’s extremely famous for a big case. He’s all over his (big brand name) firm’s website for being the best/youngest/top in his field. He was in a nonfiction book I read recently. All of this as background for the fact that when we were over at their (really nice in a pretty-house-in-suburbia kind of way, not some Estate) house, he told us that they basically never buy wine because he gets unsolicited gifts all year of extremely rare and fancy wine. Which is pretty lost on him so they bust it out at parties and we sat there and played actual spin the bottle* with $600 bottles of wine someone sent him. And he was in grubby old Dad Jeans and had spent the day cooking for a group of 6 kids and 4 adults.
Perhaps this is not news to anyone, but I just found those two encounters with Real Life Actual Income Partners at Big Brand Name Firms to be so, so different than what’s frequently portrayed on this site.
*it was not a make out session, if the bottle hit you, you had to check on the kids playing downstairs while everyone else got to drink the wine. but the bottle did spin around high school style!
Anon
Yes, partners are people, too. (I’m personal friends with a handful of them. They are great people.)
The issue “on this board” is that *in a law firm*, the partners exercise a massive amount of control over the lives of their associates. If a partner has a quirk, you accommodate the quirk not because the partner doesn’t bake cookies or wear dad jeans; you do it because the partner can kneecap your career if you don’t.
Cat
Yep. It actually makes their demands on the job a bit more infuriating. Like, I know you know how to be a normal person — what changes when you walk in the office building!?!
Nice Bosses
This is also perhaps some of the problem, at least to me.
…Nasty partners who I go up against as opposing counsel will treat me like absolute dirt, not look me in the eye, refuse regular professional courtesies, etc. Partners we work for will yell, write nasty emails, set unreasonable deadlines, etc.
Sometimes the hardest part of being a lawyer is trying to get to the human side, the 300-cookie baking and knitting side of partners. Not to impugn your friend, but for all you know, she could be a mean and unforgiving partner at work. I’m just not sure why this happens, but I’ll stab a guess it involves power and money.
Anon
“Not to impugn your friend, but for all you know, she could be a mean and unforgiving partner at work.”
Please don’t make those comments specific to certain people whom you have never met.
Anonymous
ok mom
Anon
I don’t really think any of this is inconsistent with what’s written on this s1te, especially the latter anecdote. I didn’t last very long in Big Law (left as a fifth year associate), but the partners I worked for weren’t super pretentious and definitely wore Dad Jeans on the weekends. That doesn’t change the fact that it’s a grueling pace of work and that associates at a lot of the big firms don’t have time to do much except work and sleep. People have said here many times that work expectations and ability to take vacations varies widely from firm to firm and even partner to partner. And, as has been noted here a lot, NYC Big Law is a different beast than other cities.
Anonymous
People come here to vent. We’re not at parties talking about how hard work is.
Even in BigLaw people have lives. Especially to last long enough to be a successful partner, you learn how to have a work-life balance so you don’t burn out.
For women, a surprising number are into baking. I think the art of creating something with one’s hands is soothing after a crazy day of more paper and numbers and meetings.
My lawyer Dad loved woodworking and I never really got it until I started practice.
Horse Crazy
Yeah…this is like when my SO accompanied me to a coworker’s wedding, met my boss, and said “I don’t know why you complain about her – she’s so nice!” Uh yeah, she was nice because of the setting you met her in – we were all having wine at a wedding, not in a meeting where she’s yelling at me.
Anon
I mean, this is a blog for career women so yeah, that impression of partners dominates because people act certain ways and hold certain power in their work place depending on position. It would be weirder if the people you socialize with acted like they do at work. Of course they’re low key and normal – they’re at home/friends house. It’s funny to me that you’d take the stereotypes and impressions from a blog of people’s work and think that would ever accurately reflect them as a person to the point you have to specify that the people you know aren’t like that.
Triangle Pose
I don’t know why this has your cracking up? People behave differently in different settings. That’s…not a surprise and not especially amusing IMO. I don’t see posters on here putting partners on a pedestal and they complain because some partners, like all people, are jerks at work and yes, partners have a lot of control over associate’s lives and free time.
LLBMBA
Also, income partner is basically a glorified senior associate. Equity partners are the big deals.
anon
At least at my firm, associates don’t generally know if a partner is income or equity (unless they just made partner, since everyone starts at income). Promotion to equity is not announced to the firm or even just to the partnership. Is that not the case everywhere? For us at least, whether someone is a Big Deal is way more complex (and political) than income vs. equity.
Anonymous
My firm announces income to equity promotions internally to all the lawyers (including associates). No announcements to the staff or externally.
Julia
Yeah, partly I think it’s a seniority issue. The people posting about Big Scary Mean Partner are obviously junior to said partner, so likely to be earlier in their career. Those of us in our 30s on here who are 10+ year lawyers undoubtedly know plenty of BigLaw partners and yes, they’re just people. Plenty work a ton; others less so. /shrug
anon
So what? Yeah, people have lives outside of work and partners don’t wear suits on Saturday mornings when they’re cooking. You think she’s bringing in all those cookies for the junior associates on a regular basis? Or is she asking them to turn around work product on a short time table with high standards because that’s what the clients need? Partner treats expensive gifts like toys and has enough money that he doesn’t appreciate their value? Yeah, par for the course. But what on earth does his cooking for a dinner party have to do with how he approaches managing those underneath him?
AFT
To echo what others said, yeah, partners are people too. That’s not really the reason people vent here. Some of the more frustrating interactions in my 12 years in biglaw were with the partners who were actually cool and personable people with robust social lives and interests… but at work were tyrants with unreasonable expectations who lacked self-awareness about their own ridiculous deadlines, failed to take responsibililty for their own decisions, were difficult to pin down, and threw associates under the bus when things went the wrong way. Biglaw partners are typically rewarded for a relentless self-interest. Does that mean they aren’t reasonable people with diverse interests, or that their friends don’t think they are cool people? Nope.
anon
+1. Some of my favorite partners-as-people were the hardest to work for.
As an extreme example, one partner, a woman known for being super tough at work, rescued cats (a friend of mine has two kittens from her), cares for her special needs daughter (who is 20+), and brought tears to my eyes with the loveliest email when I was put on bed rest in my last trimester. I was in a different section so never worked directly for her, but based on her work reputation, I wouldn’t have wanted to.
anonymous
All of this. I used to work for an absolute maniac (who was eventually asked to leave by the firm, which is rare in biglaw) who would seem like a cool guy outside of work– liked hiking, fishing, played in a cover band with his buddies, has two sweet daughters and liked to take his family to his lake house on weekends, very into volunteering for a particular public-interest type cause and had morals/politics that I agreed with in that regard (which were also rare in biglaw). It’s almost like he could be a complete savage to his associates as he throws them under the bus for his failure to be prepared for a meeting with the Department of Justice (for example…) over the phone/email while he’s chilling at his lake house.
Anonome
This is the grown-up version of seeing your elementary school teacher at the store and freaking out about it.
Fireplace
Has anyone here converted a wood burning fireplace to a gas or electric fireplace? We have a wood burning fireplace that we would love to use but are just too lazy for building real fires. We also accidentally smoked out our entire house last time (we turned some flaps the wrong way, I don’t know). I’d like to install gas logs but assume I’d have to run a gas line, and that seems like a big deal?
Anon
You can do it off a propane tank, and that’s relatively straightforward, assuming your fireplace is on an exterior wall where they can drill a line out to the tank that sits right outside behind it. You just need to get the tank filled however often.
Anonymous
Yes. I switched from wood burning to gas. Love a real flame so would not do electric. So nice to be able to flip in the fireplace for 10 or 15 minutes and sit and drink coffee before work in the morning.
anon a mouse
Do you already have gas elsewhere in the house? If so, they will branch a line off of it. It’s not cheap but pretty straightforward. We converted last year and the fireplace company had their own licensed plumbers to handle the gas line and the install. If you don’t have gas anywhere, I’d go with propane.
Mrs. Jones
Same. We converted wood to gas in our old house which already had a gas line.
Anonymous
There are two options with gas: gas lit ceramic log type fireplace, which gives you the look of fire but not the heat, or a fireplace insert that projects the heat into the home and augments your heat. You need a gas line for both but the rest is a bit different- in the decorative one, you need a way to prevent your home’s heat from escaping. In the second one, you need the liner that pushes the heat into the home.
in my area, it’s $4-7k.
BeenThatGuy
I switched from wood burning to gas earlier this year. I went to a local specialty fireplace shop and they handled everything (permits, gas line installation, log set installation). I have been so happy with my choice. Like the poster above, I turn it on every morning and drink my morning coffee in front of it. I love it.
Anonymous
I started using Latisse and am generally happy with the results, but the idea was I could go essentially makeupless and instead I look incredibly tired/allergic because of the skin discoloration around my eyelids. Has anyone successfully avoided that side effect? Or is there a very fast coverup solution that isn’t heavy concealer?
Triangle Pose
Have you talked to a doc about this? I use generic Latisse and have not have skin discoloration. I know it’s a known side effect but if you look incredibly tired and allergic, it’s more than discoloration, you might actually be allergic.
Anon
You clearly need to stop using it…
Anonymous
Maybe look into lash tint/lift instead of latisse. The non-prescription lash serums are pretty good and don’t tend to have this side effect.
LittleBigLaw
I have one of those cute little cactus humidifiers on my desk, but I don’t use it often. Today, I plugged it in and it smells kind of musty. If I add a drop or two of essential oils to the water will it ruin it? I’m in a closed office and usually keep my door shut, so no concerns about offending others with a strong smell.
mildew
definitely clean it out first — it probably has mildew inside (I speak from sad experience).
Clean it
Not the answer to your question, but it probably needs to be cleaned if it smells funky.
Anon
Clean it with white vinegar and hot water.
nona
Clean it. Don’t use essential oils. A lot of humidifiers expressly state *not* to use essential oils, so i would avoid all essential oil usage with a humidifier.
LittleBigLaw
Thanks, all!
Anon
Art or not art?
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/08/arts/design/banana-removed-art-basel.html?action=click&module=RelatedLinks&pgtype=Article
Anonymous
Not up for a debate, but this made me look up what Doug Fishbone has been doing since the days of his banana installations.
anon
I’m not sure if the banana on the wall was art, but the guy eating it definitely was and I actually wondered if that was part of the installation when I first heard about it.
Senior Attorney
Yeah I kind of loved that.
pugsnbourbon
That made me so happy.
Anon
The artist was trying to say something and he said it effectively. So yes, to me, that’s art. This is more art than those stupid Thomas Kinkade paintings people used to buy at the mall and on QVC.
Anon
What was he trying to say? I must have missed it.
Anon
Go read some news articles about it then, rather than just assuming you know from the news pictures enough about the piece to be able to judge it. That’s why museums put descriptions of art pieces on the wall next to the piece. Context is important.
Anon
Ah, so you want to pretend that it has deep meaning and to have understood it, but are actually full of sh-t.
Got it! :)
Anon
Agreed.
Anon
The art was named “Comedian”. So that was apt…
MargotMcKinley
Get a Citrus Defender Hot Tea from Starbucks.
MargotMcKinley
uugg that was supposed to go to the post about avoiding sickness. Sorry!
Airport for NYC trip
Help! I’m not at all familiar with NYC, and am booking a work trip where I’ll be in the Times Square area for meetings. I’m flying in on a Monday morning and flying out on a Wednesday evening. Which airport should I be using?
Anon
LGA.
Editrix
Construction there is a mess. I’d go with JFK. Easy to get to Midtown on public transportation.
Anon
For those of you not on hormonal BC, how “bossy” are your hormones? I feel like my mood on any given day has almost nothing to do with input (i.e., exercise endorphins, bad day at work, traffic jam, etc), but with what day it is in my cycle. I’m feeling like my hormones are running my life. Is this normal? Is it an age thing? (I’m late 30s.)
anon
Yes, completely this. I am tracking my cycle in an app and taking my temp every day, so i’m always very aware of where I am in my cycle, and I notice it so much. I have very different feelings about things in the second half of my cycle (luteal phase), when I am generally more aggressive, no-nonsense and a touch irritable. (And my basal temp is hotter.) I am generally more agreeable and romantic in the follicular phase. My hormones are totally running my life, but I’m more OK with it now that I have a better understanding of why/how. Our bodies are fascinating.
Anon
Same age, temporarily off BC pill, and I feel the same way. I hate this and can’t wait to get back on BC. Following for any words of wisdom.
Anonymous
I’ll bite, but I suspect my experience is an outlier. My hormones are extremely laissez-faire. We are not particularly well acquainted. On rare occasion, I have an unexpectedly emotional response to something the day before my cycle starts. Otherwise, I usually don’t remember where I am in the month. 46 y.o.
NYCer
Same here. I am 36.
Anon
Same, I sometimes break out before my cycle, but it’s not like I never break out at other times of the month and I never experience mood changes.
BT
+1 – this is me, and always has been (38 yo). I will occasionally be exhausted or really hungry right around the start of my period, but that’s about the extent of it.
Anonymous
Same here. 40. Never been an issue. The day before my period starts, I want chocolate and a little emotional sometimes, and I get cramps and a little dehydrated on days one and two. Otherwise, no one would ever know and it doesn’t impact my mood. I admit to side eyeing this concept – that hormones rule your mood outside of your period – for most people but acknowledge I may be the outlier.
Anon
Same. 36.
Anonia
Same. 36.
Anon
This became extreme for me, and I ended up benefiting from some of Lara Briden’s “Repair Manual” advice. (I don’t agree with her on everything or appreciate the wooy company I feel she keeps, but multiple doctors explicitly said that they had nothing to offer besides the pill, which I can’t take, so I had to try something.)
Anon
Same age as you; never been on hormonal birth control. My hormones really aren’t in charge of my life; I need a bit more sleep, a bit more iron, and a bit more food during my period, but that’s about it. I’m very fortunate in that diet (vegetarian, lots of water, lots of veggies, high potency multivitamin every single day) and exercise (runner) were about all the inputs I needed to keep my cycles regular, painless, and without mood swings.
Anonymous
Mid-30s. I was on hormonal bc for ~8 years. Hormones made themselves felt a bit more after I had my first kid. The lows are lower (snappy, breakouts, bloating) but the highs are higher (zippy moods, s*x drive) and I kind of prefer it this way. I like that my moods aren’t flattened or dampened, if that makes any sense, but I’m also fortunate not to feel like my hormones are in charge of my life.
Anon
Yes. I was on hormonal BC for 15 years until I started TTC my son (5 years ago) and my dermatologist off handedly mentioned I should have never been on it since I am at a higher stroke risk (awesome!). Obviously I didn’t go back on it, and in the last 2 years by hormones have been insane, mostly when I am ovulating. My s*x drive during that point in my cycle was so out of control for several months that it caused marital problems. It has settled down to a manageable level, but my hormone fluctuations are still pretty extreme. I had all the standard blood work done and my doctor said the next step was pretty advanced hormone testing, which I am holding off on for the time being since insurance won’t cover it and it is expensive as all get out.
anon
I have been off hormonal BC for the last couple of years since my husband got snipped. I have always had a fairly regular cycle. I’m 35. I haven’t noticed any mood swings, anger, etc. at all. I had some emotional side effects with particular types of BCs and actually quit depo provera because it was making me really really angry all the time.
The only thing that I have noticed is a very definite shift throughout the cycle in how enthusiastically and frequently I want to garden. That really took my by surprise when I went off BC when we were TTC. The first month off I was shocked at how much more interested in it I was. I felt like a teenager again and freaked myself out by checking out literally anyone in my vicinity. I love how I feel off it now that I’m used to it.
Ellen
It was b/c your boyfreind got snipped that you are not worried about getting pregnant any more, and without that holding you back, you want to garden more and more b/c you know that even if he ejects into you, there will be no sperm to get you pregnant. That is why you feel like a teenager, not that you couldn’t have gotten pregnant back then – you could have — but b/c you were really ignorant of the consequences, and trusted your boyfreind back then who said that he could control his sperm. Now I am smart enough to realize that when men say they will pull out, they don’t and that is why I do not let them put it in the first place. FOOEY on men that try and decieve us!
Anonymous
I’m considering doing a scouting trip to North Carolina in the new year as I consider whether I should pursue job opportunities down there. I’d go to both Charlotte and Raleigh. I’ve always wanted to go to Asheville for a few days mainly for the Biltmore. What’s a logical way to do this? Fly into one city and drive to the other two (in what order)? Or fly from one city to the next?
Anon
Don’t fly. With TSA and all that, you’d be at the airport longer than it takes you to drive. The cities are all fairly close together. I’d fly into Charlotte, as it’s AA’s hub and has a million flights a day, and rent a car and do whichever city you want to do first.
Gail the Goldfish
They aren’t that close, but still probably easier to drive between them. If you were coming just for work, I would say take the train between Raleigh and Charlotte (which is far more pleasant than driving), but if you’re coming down to scout, you’re going to want a rental car to drive around and check things out (the Charlotte train station is in a not-great area not in the main downtown). I suppose you could just get rental cars in each town. I’d go Raleigh-Charlotte-Asheville, or vice versa. It’s about 2.5-3 hours between Raleigh and Charlotte (avoid rush hour at all costs), then 2.5 from Charlotte to Asheville. (It’s a solid 4 hours from Raleigh to Asheville).
If you do want to fly, American has plenty of flights between Raleigh and Charlotte (they are super short flights. Basically you go up and then come back down).
Anon
Not the question you asked, but I would reconsider whether or not you’ll have enough time in all three cities. If you’re considering living in Charlotte or Raleigh, you should probably spend more than a day or two there; ideally, you would meet up with people in your extended network, talk to real estate agents, scope out (as applicable) churches, get a feel for traffic, etc.
raleigh native
Start in Raleigh, go to Charlotte, then Asheville. I avoid the Charlotte airport at all costs so I recommend driving.
Anon
What’s wrong with the Charlotte airport? I don’t live there but layover there all the time since I’m on the East Coast and fly AA almost exclusively. It seems fine?
Anon
Gift idea – judge’s Christmas party. They host at home, so it’s a bit less formal/more homey than if it was an after work event in chambers and he and his wife like to think of their ex clerks like extended family. Need ideas that are not wine. I’m drawing a blank except – fancy chocolates?
Anonymous
Nothing or fancy chocolates. Keep it cheap.
Anon
How cheap? I was thinking anything less than $40-50 looks too cheap?
Anon
Goodness, no, something $20-30 is plenty for a hostess gift.
Anonymous
Like under $20. Judges don’t like gifts.
Ellen
My judge loves it when we give him tickets to the NY Rangers or the NY Knicks, even if we don’t go with him. He usueally goes with his wife or his law clerk, though once or twice Frank takes him and buys him drinks also.
Anon
I frequently host parties. I would happily welcome all of the following: a set of kitchen soap & lotion from Williams-Sonoma, dish towel wrapped around a pound cake/banana bread (something I can eat tomorrow after the party when I am so done in the kitchen), fancy teas, and yes, chocolates/candies, etc, particularly if they’re local and supporting a small business.
Anon
Seasonal floral arrangement?
kk
I liked the idea of a mini-orchid above. Chocolates are fine, as is a nice candle.
Senior Attorney
If they do a Christmas tree, maybe a pretty ornament?
Anon
I usually go with a small set of fancy olive oil and balsamic vinegar which seems to go over well.
S in Chicago
Looking for a nice leather unbranded or little known/global brand of good leather with a simple aesthetic similar to Cuyana, Senreve, Polene. Any recs?
ATL rette
I keep getting Instagram ads for a brand called Italic that’s purported to be the same as Mulberry/other luxury brands but without the designer brand name markup and no branding. Take that as you will, I have not purchased but I am very intrigued.
anonypotamus
I know it is late, but in case you are still reading, I purchased a crossbody bag from Italic that I really like. My understanding of their business is the same as ATL r3tt3 above. The leather feels high quality, the design is great, and it holds a lot of items while still being structured and sleek. And it was very reasonably priced for what you get. Their selection is relatively limited, but I have been happy with it so far (I use it 1-2 times/week, mostly on the weekends).
Rhumba???
I splurged and bought a pair of Aquatalia Rhumba boots on cyber Monday and I’m wearing them for the first time today. I’m kind of fashion challenged and wanted some feedback from you ladies. I’m 5’9” and these boots are 3.3 inches so I’m over 6 feet tall with the boots (I normally don’t go over 3 inches but made an exception for these boots :) ). Two of the guys I work with made random comments like “oh, I like those boots”which is kind of odd for them because they’re not the type to comment on women’s clothing/fasion. I’m wondering if they set the wrong tone since I’m already tall??? Rest of outfit is very conservative…Jcrew wool pencil skirt and Jcrew going out jacket. Is there anyway these boots are not work appropriate???
Anon
If Duchess Kate wears them to engagements as the future Queen of England, they are absolutely, 100% office appropriate.
anon
You’re overthinking. I’m guessing you probably don’t wear boots like this normally and they noticed. That’s all.
Anon
+1
Anon
These are gorgeous! There is nothing wrong with them (unless you’re also wearing a miniskirt).
Carrie
Are you taller than those guys now ;) ? Perhaps, making them feel a little intimidated?
Then perfect! Be strong, tall and confident.
And this is exactly why I love wearing my similar boots in my male dominated work environment.
Anonymous
Ahh maybe this is it. They are both shorter than average for a guy!!!
Anonymous
This is exactly why I wear heels.
Never too many shoes...
There is nothing at all inappropriate about those boots. And I love when tall women wear heels.
Anonymous
Thank you all!!! I will just keep on rocking them :). I have a pair at home in 7.5 (I kept the 7) in case anyone missed the Cyber Monday deal and wants to buy them off of me. I think they were around $500. Otherwise, I’ll send em back :)
TG
5’10” here and I have 3″ wedges (and those Rhumba) boots in my shoe wardrobe on the regular. I’m not going to ever be short/average, so I might as well embrace the tallness and go all out. Own it!
Holiday dinner party ideas
Does anyone have a great go-to dinner party menu for the holidays? I’m hosting 7 people for a dinner party this weekend and I have the time to put in more effort than usual…
Anon
Sit-down, knife and fork dinner or heavy apps that can be a meal while balancing a plate on your lap?
Anonymous
Heavy apps that can be a meal while balancing a plate!!
Senior Attorney
Martha Stewart’s shrimp relish tray: https://www.marthastewart.com/1522035/quick-shrimp-relish-tray
Prime rib, using this foolproof recipe: https://www.thespruceeats.com/closed-oven-prime-rib-roast-method-995286
Yorkshire pudding, using this foolproof recipe: http://www.norahsleep.com/ben-cox-yorkshire-pudding-recipe/
Something green like creamed spinach or roasted Brussels sprouts
If you want to go really crazy with the carbs, duck fat potatoes: https://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2011/11/ultra-crispy-roast-potatoes-recipe.html
Cranberry trifle: https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/makeover-cranberry-trifle/
You can make a pitcher of martinis for cocktail hour if your guests are cocktail types.
Responding to "Just Passing in the Church"
As an active church-goer (Episcopalian), come on down! Everyone has doubts (if you don’t believe that, read Mother Teresa’s writings). Coming to church because you want fellowship and a conduit to do good in the world is perfectly fine.
I would suggest taking a look at the theology of the church you are considering and avoiding any that have beliefs on social issues that run contrary to your core values. If you believe strongly in marriage equality, then go to a church that will celebrate a gay marriage. If you feel strongly about women’s equality, then go to one that allows female clergy, etc. You will hardly be the only person there who is not sure they “really” believe.
Anonymous
Another active church-goer (Episcopalian), echoing above. You’d be surprised how many people who are active churchgoers have doubts sometimes.
Jobhuntinglawclerk
Hello all – I am a new attorney and am about 5 months into my state court clerkship which is set to end in August. I know I should probably be putting out feelers for job opportunities once my clerkship ends. How do I ask former supervisors and others I have networked with for help? Any specific wording suggestions for an email?
Full of ideas
Talk about what you like about the clerkship, note that it is ending but you’d like to continue being involved in X type of cases or legal work, ask if they have any tips for your job search or if they’d be willing to meet with you. Don’t over think it, the people that respond are likely happy to help but don’t make it too much for them
Ellen
You should be all over this by now. See if you have had any lawyers in front of your judge whose cases went in their favor. Call them and ask them for a job. Also, if you have pending matters, be more circumcised. Do not ask for a quid pro quo. Tell them that you respect their firm and would like to join after your clerkship with Judge X is over. If the case is important, they will keep this in the back of their minds and interview you. And if you do get an offer, great! No quid pro quo tho. That is what this whole impeachment thing is about. FOOEY on that!