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Anon
More tulle skirt help!
I am going to buy this Anthro skirt but can’t decide on a color. I want it to be fun (leaning mauve), but also versatile (struggling with mauve here).
https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/the-cheri-ruffled-tulle-midi-skirt?category=SEARCHRESULTS&color=054&searchparams=q%3Dtulle&type=STANDARD&quantity=1&size=XS
My first outfit with the mauve would be a cream tank and jean jacket. What other top colors can I pair with the mauve?
Opinions on a different color and possible color combos welcome!
Anon
Olive, mint green, lime green, other shades of purple, esp dark purple, dove grey, royal blue.
Cat
I would vote for the lighter pink for versatility – plays well with black, navy, gray, fatigue green, and for a bolder move, darker pink or orange.
play up the ballerina vibes with a boatneck top or wrap sweater, or go more current & trendy with a slouchy knit.
have fun!
PolyD
I think the mauve is very pretty and love the color combos suggested by anon at 8:25. I think the color will be more versatile and fun than you might expect.
The last thing I need is a fluffy skirt, but I really love how they styled the black one with (trying to avoid mod) long sleeve crisp tops with fastenings shunned by the Amish.
pugsnbourbon
+1, also love the mauve.
And I like how they styled the black skirt, too – a little punk, a little cowboy, a little ballet. It should be a mess but it works.
Anon
The shirt they styled the mauve one with is OMG truly awful. So baggy! And I feel that a shiny shirt that is cut like a business shirt is wrong here.
Anon
i wish i was cool enough to wear something like this. LOVE it! You could pair black, white, gray, navy, pale pink
Anonymous - Pregnancy question
I had a miscarriage last fall for which I needed to have an emergency D&C with general anesthesia, and I was out of work for a few days because I had a bad reaction to the antibiotics and honestly, needed the time to recover emotionally too (first pregnancy for a very wanted baby). I fell pregnant again very recently and unexpectedly, but my recent labs and ultrasound have indicated that this may be another early loss (have an ultrasound and follow up appointment this week, and am on progesterone supplements). I obviously have been distracted at work the last couple of weeks – first with excitement about the pregnancy and now trying to not worry too much about my lab results and this week’s appointment. If this is another miscarriage, I would go through another D&C and need to take some time off work.
I’m having trouble figuring out how much to disclose to work. I’m a junior partner in Biglaw in a very male-heavy group, and no female partners who have kids to talk to. If this ends the same way the first one did, I want to be able to take a couple of days truly off, one for the procedure (which took an entire day last time because of some required testing) and then a day or two of emotional and physical recovery from the general anesthesia and adjusting to the antibiotics, but since it’s Biglaw, I’m not sure the extent to which those days off would be respected/whether I could find coverage. Last time, I told my mentor, and he ran interference and found coverage for me for those days. This time, since I’m a partner now, I don’t know the extent to which I can expect or ask for coverage, or even how much to disclose. How would you handle the situation this time, if I do get the bad news?
What would you do in this situation?
Anon
I’m not in your exact situation but I am navigating fertility treatments and a very demanding biglaw job with trials in the near future. After many months of juggling everything I am going to be asking for a reduced workload. The stress of doing it all in secret and crying by myself when I get bad news only to have to regroup for a call has been beyond anything I have experienced in the last 10 years of practice. Please don’t wait until you’re at my breaking point. You’re having a major surgery, these are major medical events. I hate that because fertility and TTC is usually kept quiet and secret we have to endure this and pretend nothing is wrong. I don’t think you necessarily have to tell people the details, but personally I think disclosing you have to have an emergency medical procedure (because that’s what it is!) and are not available is totally reasonable.
Anom
I would not disclose. You do not want folks to be scrutinizing you in the future for signs of a pregnancy, etc. It’s no one’s business. Also, don’t borrow trouble. Deal with the bad stuff if it happens. Stay agnostic now about the pregnancy.
Trixie
Could you tell a white lie, such as being diagnosed with covid? That might be the best way to get time off. And the CDC says 5 days of quarantine, so it would get you the correct amount of time. Hugs to you.
anon
No, don’t do this. If people suspect you are lying, it will harm your credibility and their opinion of your judgment. Just say nothing as to the cause for your leave other than “medical”.
Anonymous
No one cares about COVID quarantine anymore, practically no one tests, and no one respects time off for COVID at this point, at least in my experience. I think that if I tried to take the time off for COVID, the expectation would be full availability for work other than in-person attendance, and people would think I was exaggerating or making excuses if I said I couldn’t work because of it. That’s just been my personal experience, having had COVID once already and seeing people’s general attitude about it in the last year or so.
Anon
Yeah, I don’t know anyone who is off work for 5 days. WFH for 5-10 days, for sure. Maybe call out sick one or two days if you’re really sick, but everyone is mostly WFH with full availability during COVID.
Anon
Just want to chime in: at my non-Biglaw employer we are expected to stay out of company facilities for 5 days if we test positive (and they are still asking people to test and even distributing home tests upon request), but you’re expected to WFH if at all possible. Everyone understands if people really can’t do it for 1-2 days after symptoms start but there would be side-eye for people who were out the entire 5 days. Plus we have no more “Covid leave;” if you’re completely off, that comes out of your normal PTO bank. I’d be surprised if there are companies left where taking extensive time off for Covid is still a thing?
Cat
Agree with this, a Covid + is a reason to WFH, not an assumption you’ll be offline and too sick to work.
Anon
It depends. I just got Covid for the first time and was really sick. I really needed a week off work, not just a WFH week. There is also evidence that trying to push through Covid is a risk factor for long Covid so it was important to me not to overdo it. That said, I could have supplied a doctor’s note if asked, and I agree lying about this stuff isn’t a good plan.
Cat
oh I didn’t mean that Covid doesn’t make ANYONE sick enough to need a true week off, just that a breezy “I have Covid and will be offline” isn’t going to work.
Anonymous
She doesn’t need to lie. She just needs to say she is having a procedure that requires general anaesthesia. That alone is a reason to take the day after the procedure off.
Anon
I’d just say I was having surgery! Don’t minimize….
anon
What kind of practice are you in? I am a former biglaw partner and am now in-house; I also have had a mc and D&C (although it was after I left biglaw). In my practice (specialist transactional), a few days’ absence probably wouldn’t have required coverage unless I was in the final few days of a deal – I would likely have just told clients I was having emergency surgery and was going to be out for 2-3 days. My associates would have been available but I wouldn’t have brought in another partner. Without knowing your practice area and the rhythm of your work, it’s hard to say.
You mention an emergency D&C above, so maybe your circumstances were different than mine, but when we lost our baby (at 9 weeks) the D&C was not strictly speaking emergency (as in, there was no risk to my life or health posed by the situation) and I had some latitude in scheduling it. If you are in the same situation and can handle it emotionally, trying to schedule the procedure for either a Thursday or a Friday, so that you have the weekend for recovery (which even in biglaw is typically a lower-demand time) would probably help.
I’m sorry – it’s very hard.
Anonymous
Thank you. I am in a transactional practice, and have a couple deals closing in the next couple of weeks, so I may need coverage. The reason the D&C was an emergency procedure was because I was at risk of sepsis (per my doctor) and I have anemia, so it was not a good idea for me to wait until I started bleeding to have treatment done. I had one scheduled for a Saturday and got a call on Tuesday afternoon that I had to be in on Wednesday morning, so even though I tried to mitigate work disruption, I couldn’t get around it. I was out from Wednesday to Friday and began WFH the next Monday.
Anon
Don’t disclose anything other than you need to have a medical procedure done and will be in recovery for 2 days. That’s it! Keep to vague.It’s a medical procedure. Also, I’m so sorry you are going through this!!
NYCer
+1. This is what I would do.
Sunshine
+2. Disclose a medical procedure that requires you to take 3 days completely off in addition to the weekend. I would have a script prepared and just keep repeating it. So when nosey people ask follow up questions, you repeat the script. First time you say: “I will be taking Wednesday through Sunday off for a medical procedure; I will be completely unavailable. I will return to the office on Monday.” And when someone asks follow up questions, you respond with: “I will be unavailable Wednesday through Sunday and will be back in the office on Monday.” Once you do that once or twice, the nosey person will get the hint.
And, additionally, I am sorry for your losses. You said your child is very much wanted, which means this second miscarriage is devestating. While you may be back in the office after a few days, remember to give yourself space and grace to grieve.
Anon
+1
Medical procedure, I need 3 days offline.
Anonymous
I’m sorry you are going through this and hope your worries are for nothing.
I’m not in big law, but FWIW: can’t you just say you are having minor surgery or a medical procedure and need to take off x days? “It’s nothing to be concerned about but something I need to take care of, and I will be out of commission” is the script I would use. I had surgery for stress incontinence and handled it this way. If you are young and healthy, you may not have encountered this yet much but there are many, many reasons people need to take time off for medical procedures and no one wants or needs to know the details of most of them. Can you even do legal work if you are on heavy painkillers? Not that you necessarily would be, but that could be implied.
Anonymous
Agree 100%. My husband is having hernia surgery and used the same language and it was a non issue. Nobody asked details.
anon
Unfortunately, “I’m not in big law” is the key phrase – the expectations around availability, even during illness, are pretty nuts in biglaw, especially for partners. My husband (biglaw equity partner) had to be on calls right up until I started pushing in labor and was back on the phone pretty much the minute our son was out (I went into labor several weeks early and he couldn’t get coverage for everything); he had pretty material surgery and was back working a full day (albeit from home) the next day.
Anonymous
I commented elsewhere about this but, there’s a good chance they’re going to assume it’s a colonoscopy. The amount of handwringing and babying these men do for each other for that one appointment per year is pretty (darkly, sadly) hilarious considering they are SO against anyone taking time off for anything ever included birthing a child.
Anon
But usually when surgical tools are entering the body, that crosses a line…. yes?
Even when I was working crazy hours in the hospital and NO ONE EVER took a sick day, if you were in the hospital having urgent surgery (and this qualifies)…. that was allowed.
This counts.
Clementine
I would use this too – I’d go to a trusted colleague and ask for coverage. Explain that you have a medical procedure that is minor but may cause you to be on painkillers/coming off anesthesia. You don’t know that you’ll be in sound mind to work and need coverage.
More than just ‘medical procedure’, I would frame it as ‘my decision making may be compromised and I am being risk averse.’
Cat
I would say this and also emphasize not being of regular mental capacity for the reason you shouldn’t be doing heavy work.
nuqotw
I’m so sorry you are facing this uncertainty.
Can you say nothing for now and then if you wind up with bad news have your spouse/partner/significant other (or if there is no other person, a close friend?) call work and say “She’s in the hospital for minor surgery; nothing to worry about but she needs a few days completely off to rest and recover.”? Will your doctor write you a note disclosing no details but simply documenting a medical need for time to recover? Then when you come back if anyone asks you can be very vague. I’m not in big law but it seems like it would be much tougher for them in the moment to push back against someone who is not you / doctor’s note.
anon
That won’t work given that she’s a biglaw partner – it’s not her office that needs to know she’s out, but rather her clients who will call looking for her. If she knows she is going to be out, she does have to think about coverage/how to ensure a client with an emergency is supported while she’s unavailable – it’s not a good idea from a client relations perspective or (honestly) from a legal ethical perspective not to arrange for coverage in advance. (I would also really strongly recommend against a young female partner having a significant other or friend contact the law firm in a situation like this – the only case in which that doesn’t really undermine you professionally is if you are literally incapacitated on an unexpected basis. Like, unconscious or unable to speak or something like that.)
nuqotw
Not the subject of the original post but… what does big law do about sudden incapacitation? It sounds to this outsider like the plan is to revive you in the ambulance so you can answer the phone?
anon
If someone is, like, hit by a car and in a coma, then people rally to cover it – your partners, your associates, and probably your admin would all get together and determine to the best of their ability what matters you were working on, they’d develop a coverage plan, and they’d reach out to clients to let them know/get up to speed on anything they couldn’t figure out from your files. They’d reach out to courts and deal counterparties to ask for extensions/postponements/rescheduling. It is bumpy, but it gets taken care of – but the very bumpiness of it is a reason why you don’t want to go on leave without advance warning if you can.
Girlonawireless
@nuqotw
That is the expectation. People may scramble to cover for you, but you will be expected to be available as soon as you’re revived. Asking for help after that point is a sign of weakness and poor work ethic.
Anon
When I was in Big Law a partner I worked for had a heart attack and resumed working from the ICU. It really is availability expected 24/7 unless you’re in a coma. It’s why a lot of people leave!
Anon
Different take. There must be one partner you like and trust, and I would tell him what’s going on and enlist help with coverage. The presumption that men somehow will be terrible about this seems extreme. I’ve had plenty of make colleagues be wonderful to me in times of crisis. And yes, in biglaw. Don’t trust everyone, of course. But find an ally. You’ll need them for this and future events.
Anon
I do not know the Big Law context, but I would not say more than “procedure” and “recovery time.”
Anon
Agree. She should say surgery. Urgent surgery.
Anon
This. Time-sensitive and general anesthesia are details worth sharing. The exact details aren’t really relevant to anyone who isn’t scrubbing in to perform your procedure.
Anon
I am so sorry. I would tell your team you are having a surgery and will be unable to work for 3 full days and then working from home for a few more. You don’t need to explain more than that, unless you want to. Is there a strong senior associate of someone on your team that you trust to monitor email and triage / text you there’s something time sensitive that actually requires your attention so you don’t have to be glued to your email?
Anon 234
OP, I’m very sorry you’re having to contemplate this. I’m in Big Finance – I’m a partner, commission only, client facing, dog-eat-dog even internally, male dominated, no boundaries, etc. As many parallels I think as one could draw.
I went through this November of 2021. It was awful and traumatic and I took a week off. I said “I’m having a serious procedure. I will be fine, prognosis is very positive, but needs to be handled in a time-sensitive manner. I am in need of as much support as one could possibly need while being away.” People genuinely understood that message. I think the absence of detail helped underscore the severity. My trusted partners (2, both men) were fully in the loop and helped run interference / at least validated my story and helped manage internal water cooler talk while I was away to make sure no one took it down a path that was unhelpful or speculative. They didn’t necessarily cover my work – I relied heavily on senior associates for that. Can you try something similar?
One question: does your firm, be it genuine or just surface level, have any push for diversity and inclusion? Wanting to retain as many women in partnership as possible? Mine is much more vocal about it since my miscarriage and I almost feel as though I could (and would) be more honest about what’s going on because I would get support today in a way I wouldn’t have previously… I THINK.
It’s impossible, and I’m so very sorry. Sending you all the support once can via the anonymous interwebs.
Anon
This is the way. I’ve worked in biglaw and now bigfinance and you cannot write off 80% of your colleagues. Find trusted partners like this anon did. And I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, OP.
AnonPartner
I’ve had several miscarriages, including as a junior partner (and also have several healthy kids). My most difficult loss occurred two weeks before trial. I took a three-day weekend (would have taken a full week were it not for trial). I told my senior (male) partner what was going on, and emphasized that there were physical interventions required along with the emotional challenges. I asked him to tell the other two partners so that they would understand the serious but temporary nature of the problem. I was pleasantly surprised by how he and the rest took it in stride as they would any other major medical issue that flared up right before trial–i.e., they treated it as serious/significant but not as a mysterious feminine ailment–while also giving me extra breathing room, carefully “casually” checking in, etc. For the three days that I was out, I asked that they continue to CC me on emails but understand that I wouldn’t be responding until I returned. I also said that they could and should call me if a case-related emergency arose, but I trusted them to respect that boundary (no one called).
AnonPartner
And I’m so very sorry for your loss.
Anonymous
Just tell them you’re having a medical procedure that will require general anesthesia and so you’ll be out and unavailable. They’re older men, they’ll assume you’re having a colonoscopy.
Anon
I need surgery on my ladyparts ought to do it. It’s none of their business honestly, and once you mention female issues or however you want to couch it, they won’t want to know more.
Hugs to you.
Jules
No, please do not say anything like this. Your colleagues and clients don’t need to know anything like this (or to be thinking about what “surgery on ladyparts” might be), and they idea of relying on your male colleagues being squicked out so they don’t ask any questions is retrograde, to say the least.
Sending you virtual hugs while you deal with this.
Anon
+1 to Jules
Anon
I think this is dependent on your relationships with your colleagues. I’m a BigLaw partner and have had two miscarriages, both at the 13 week mark. For each I needed time in the hospital and then at home to recover. I told some of my colleagues what was going on and they covered and were great support; I had close relationships with them and it seemed like the best way to handle to get the personal and professional support I needed. Others with whom i was working but not as close I just told I was sick and would be out for a few days without giving more detail. Everyone made it work, we got extensions (I am a litigator), and I’m sure those folks forgot I’d been out at all within a week. BigLaw is hard, but people get sick and you have a team. Use it. This is the time to take the space you need to get through this. I wish you the best and am so sorry you are going through this. BigLaw is hard but do:not make it harder by powering through this instead of claiming some time and space.
Anonymous
Hive, I’m super sad. I need to end my 4-year serious dating relationship. We were planning on getting engaged this year and married next year. I love him, deeply, but I can’t handle his high conflict family anymore. He tries to defend me but for Reasons (including his shared custody of kids from a prior marriage) he can’t totally cut ties. It makes me sad and hurt but I can’t do it anymore. I know everything will be better without them eventually but I will miss the good parts, a lot.
anon
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. On YouTube I found Caroline Winkler’s video “what no one tells you about your BREAKUP.” to be very helpful.
Op
Thank you. I will check it out.
Sunshine
I am so very sorry. I know you intellectuallly know you made the right decision; the emotional side is the hard part and that’s going to take time. To further support your decision, I will say that my husband has a child from his first marriage. Husband, ex, and all of their extended families get along really well; I get along well with the ex and the child, too. And yet the step situation is still a whole lot to manage under the best of circumstances. I cannot imagine trying to do it with a high-conflict family involved. While I believe your adult life will be easier by ending this relationship, I know it doesn’t feel that way today. I’m sorry you’re suffering.
Anon
I’m so sorry.
You’re saving yourself a lot of years of turmoil and likely heartbreak by ending things now. I know it’s not easy. However, in my case, the whole thing about “when you marry a man, you marry his family” thing was completely true for me – and my situation was relatively easy (more about my MIL not really being involved in our lives other than to ask us for money. She passed last year and it’s mostly been a relief, vs. being a sad thing for us). If your boyfriend’s family are high-conflict and mean to you, that’s not going to change and will likely just get worse. I am truly sorry for the loss you are about to go through. Give yourself grace and space to work through your feelings and be gentle with yourself.
Anon
Hugs. I take the unorthodox view that family problems can really screw with marriages; it causes tremendous stress and division. If you aren’t on an even keel four years into a relationship, it will never happen.
Anon
Agreed. A good friend is contemplating ending her marriage due to a high conflict situation related to H’s ex and children from that marriage. Early in the relationship, he did a good job of putting up good boundaries, but as time has gone on, the boundaries have slipped.
Anon
Not sure how this is an unorthodox view. Being with someone that has kids from a prior relationship and a tense co-parenting situation is hard!!! I never dated anyone with kids for this exact reason.
Op
Checking back in after a lot of meetings today and just wanted to say thank you to this board for the support. I thought I was going in eyes wide open but I have been so shocked and hurt at how some people will escalate issues, lie, and pick fights just to fight. I’m trying to remember that it will take a while, but eventually, their conflict will not involve me, name me, or impact me. Thank you all again.
Anon
One of the most cherished parts of divorcing my first husband was no longer needing to have a relationship with his mother, who despised me from day one.
I hit the jackpot with MIL #2.
Keep looking for what you want and deserve, OP. It’s out there.
Anon
Do I need a comeback for situations like this or no big deal? I am Asian-American. At dinner last night, my husband and I were waiting at the bar and started talking to a gentleman – it turns out he is a judge that my husband knows. The judge asked my husband what he did for a living and if we lived nearby. Then he turned to me and the first question was, and what are you, Vietnamese or Chinese? When I told him I was Filipino, he said, oh you are Philippines. Why is that often the first question someone asks Asians? My husband never gets asked where he is from. I know it is because I am Asian, but does it really matter to anyone what country I am from? You could say that maybe he was genuinely curious but I have been asked this question as an initial question so many times and it just feels old at this point…
Anon
Neither; Vulcan. You?
Sunshine
I love this.
Cat
The best response I’ve heard to politely shut that down is “American” (from a person who viewed herself as American – not suggesting anyone dismiss a stronger tie to their family’s country of origin if they don’t want to).
Anonymous
That’s good. You could also say, “oh, why do you ask?”
Anon
I like “why do you ask” for this and many other rude questions.
Ribena
I’ve heard ‘you must be really embarrassed to have ask that’ being used in this situation
Anonymous
I love that. It would be too subtle for most Americans asking questions like that.
Anon
Unfortunately, this does not shut it down. It prolongs the conversation because the next question will be, oh yes, I know, I mean where are your parents from. Speaking from lots of personal experience.
Gigi
Yep, this has been my experience.
“No I mean where are your parents from?”
Cora
I always say “American” and then if they ask “my family is from X”. And then basically blank wall any follow up questions.
I’ve also straight up said “do you ask white people that question?” but obvi not to your husbands boss
anon
+1 to Cora at 10:35. I’ve been dealing with this for 30+ years (people were much ruder about it when I was younger). I’m South Asian (but with olive skin and green eyes) and people always want to drill down about my ethnicity. So I say “American” (if I’m feeling saucy, I’ll state the city/state I was raised in) and if they ask specifically about ethnic heritage, I say “my parents are from India” and then redirect and/or otherwise indicate I’m not interested in answering further questions about this.
Anonymous
Some of them do ask white people this question!
I’m as white as wonder bread and have gotten this question from people who think I look Irish and want to know if they are right.
nuqotw
I think this sort of answer works best when there’s a clear angle to shut down. I used this answer when someone was trying to guess where in the Middle East I’m from, clearly trying to hit on me and I had no interest. It worked. (FWIW I am not from the Middle East but it’s an understandable guess if you see me.)
I’m not sure it would work in other situations where the offender thinks they are being polite. If someone guesses a wrong country could you just say “No.” and then let some awkwardness hang in the air?
Tea/Coffee
Same, girl, same. I get that people are generally asking from a place of curiosity, but literally nobody else gets asked these questions and they don’t understand why they bother me. It’s extra weird for me bc i am adopted so i don’t “look like” my family or my name.
I find that the biggest offenders tend to be older Asian ladies, like their grandma status earns them the right to ask weirdly personal questions.
I retaliate by purposely misunderstanding the question. I am from (US city i great up in). My parents are from (city), born and raised. It takes a really long time and questions that usually tip people off that they are being kind of rude – “what is my racial heritage? Why didn’t you just say so? I’m Korean:-)”. And then they want to know how much korean i speak… gah
Genuinely curious – do others experience this (non Asian)? Like are Latinas getting asked these same questions?
Anon
Yes I think a lot of ethnicities get this, not just Asian.
Anon
Or even just white people who are less white passing than others! People will pry trying to figure out if there’s some “mixed” ancestry; it’s bizarre to witness.
Anon
I have two friends who are brothers; their mom was born in South America (and had both Spanish and indigenous heritage) and their dad was a white guy from Colorado.
One of the brothers has dark skin, hair, eyes; the other has light skin, light-brown hair, light eyes.
Even after people are introduced to them and hear that they are brothers, my dark-skinned friend gets asked weird, uncomfortable questions about his background, while my lighter-skinned friend almost never does. They also get asked if they are “real brothers” or people will say “but you’re half-brothers, right? You couldn’t be full brothers?” They are full brothers; same mom and dad.
People’s cluelessness/rudeness about this stuff never ceases to amaze me. How hard is it just to wonder in your head and keep your mouth shut? Is it really necessary for people to say everything they think? Asking about people’s origins is not acceptable small talk.
Anonymous
As a white dual citizen, I still get “That accent! Where do you come from?” Aargh!
Anonymous
Asking someone with an obvious accent where they come from is like asking where someone grew up. It’s normal conversation. It is not the same as asking someone “what are you” like they’re a thing not a person.
Sunshine
When my grandma turned about 85, she actually told us that she believed her age allowed her to ask questions that would otherwise be considered rude. Flat out. She knew it. And she did it anyway for the next 10 years. We could not persuade her otherwise. Other than very young children who just say whatever thought comes to their minds because they do not have filters yet, age is not an excuse to ignore social norms.
anon
Pale Latina here and I just get told I couldn’t possibly be Latina, or that much Latina. There are class elements too—they expect Latinas to be house cleaners and nannies, not someone with fancy degrees and privilege.
It’s infuriating.
Latina Anon
Latina here- YES we get asked this (I am lighter brown so people may guess Latina, MENA, South Asian but basically code me as “not white.” My mother is a white Latina with no discernible accent and DOESN’T get asked this, though she is “not from here” (immigrated from South America when she was in grade school).
anonseattle
My ancestry is all Caucasian Western European, light hair and light eyes, skin that burns quickly in the sun. Random people ask me about where I am from. I say “American” they say “No, where are you FrOm.” It always feels creepy and weird.
Emma
“I’m from Ohio” – blank stare. I’m sorry, OP, that’s so rude.
anon
The judge was really rude and racist. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
I live in the Bay Area with an Asian-American spouse and kids who are clearly half Asian-American. Here, I would be surprised if my family got a country of origin question as an early question from anyone but an elderly or lonely Asian immigrant looking for commonality (which is a totally different situation than the othering this judge did with his question).
I might respond with “why do you ask?” and then, if my kids were witness to the interaction, later have a conversation about rude questions later. I’m curious if others have a better suggestion as to when kids are involved.
anon
Gah, I’m sorry. I sound not as supportive as I meant to be. Your experience was a reminder that, after a pandemic travel hiatus, we’re traveling to other areas with fewer Asians and I have to think about how to handle these things for my kids.
I’m really sorry you have to deal with such garbage, especially from people who should know better.
Anonymous
“American, actually”…then change the subject without a pause to shut down any follow-ups he might be thinking.
It boggles the mind that this is still a question people think they deserve an answer to.
Lily
Since this was a judge your husband appears before, I would have said “my ethnic heritage is Filippino,” and left it at that. It subtly tells him that his question was inappropriate or at least inappropriately worded.
For someone you don’t need to worry about impressing but don’t want to humiliate, I like the “vulcan” type response.
For someone you DGAF about, I’d give them a look and say, “I’m from [insert city where you live], why do you ask?”
Anon
I won’t ever tell you that your feelings are wrong, because things get annoying and old. Best suggestion is to place the emphasis on how your family is American – “my parents emigrated from the Philippines in 1962 and settled in the outer boroughs of Manhattan.”
Bbanon
That’s … going too far to be helpful & overshare personal information that rewards someone for being rude.
Annony
+1000
Anonymous
If you’re trying to be nice: “My parents can from the Philippines but I grew up in Boston. What is your heritage?” In my experience white Americans love nothing more than talking about their ancestory. Watch this dude talk about how his great grandfather was Italian or whatever for an hour.
Feel free it just stare though.
Anon
“In my experience white Americans love nothing more than talking about their ancestory”
BAHAHAH this is SO true – I see this in DH’s family. It’s mostly harmless about how the “hot temper comes from the Irish side” or “Obsessive organization comes from the German side” but also as child of immigrant parents from a non-European country it’s…I dunno, kind of odd.
Funny story, one of his (racist) relatives lost their mind when they did ancestry dot com which said they were X% African. Like, could NOT believe it, and was insulted.
Anna
I am from Europe and just do not get this. Everyone knows it would be rude to say that certain people have certain personality traits.
but Americans have no problems saying they are repressed because they are 20 procent English and clean alot because they are 30 procent Dutch
Anon
I soooooooooo hear you. I’m white but an immigrant with an obviously foreign name so I “pass” until someone hears my name. But the number of inappropriate reactions after that has been… insane.
Possibly worst one was when I was starting one of my first felony trials as a junior prosecutor. Judge (older white man) spoke at length to defense counsel (older white man) whom he clearly knew well, then turned to me and goes:
– So what kind of name is that, Russian?
– Yes, Judge
– So are you a mail order bride?
[both laugh]
Vicky Austin
oh ick.
Anon
Omg!!! That is horrible!
anon
Ugh, so gross. sorry that happened to you OP.
anon
I’m biracial (neither race is white) and super ambiguous looking, and it’s rare that random ppl I meet don’t ask me some variant of this question, even/especially people who perceive themselves as progressive. I ususally say “I’m American, i’m from Texas” or something like that. And they usually say something like “but where are your parents from?” and I say “they’re American too”.
It doesn’t usually end the conversation, but at least I feel llike I asserted myself in a polite enough way.
Anon
I was born in western PA and, like many northern cities, people are proudly Italian-American or Irish-American or German-American. You can see that by the clubs in Pittsburgh, Chicago, and NY. It was common to discuss what kind of white European we were! We moved to south Florida when I was a teen so I am familiar with many different cultures. I can often tell if someone is from Puerto Rico, Mexico or Cuba based on their dialect. Plus, Hispanics will often say where their family is from! I do not know many Asians and recently moved to central Florida with a larger Asian population, especially Vietnamese. I don’t ask Asians where they are from because I know it rude to do so, and boring to always have to talk about where you are “from.” I am wondering if some cultures are more “loud and proud” like Italians and Puerto Ricans whereas it would be more typical of Asians to not want to draw attention to themselves? Is there a better way to ask once you have become friendly with a person for quite some time? Or is the answer, “never?”
Anon
Same Anon, OP. My comments weren’t meant to suggest that your feelings aren’t valid! Just trying to answer your question about “why.” Many white people, like myself, are far enough removed from being otherized, that they don’t realize how or why it is offensive. Because we are not offended to tell you when or where our families came to this country whether it be as colonizers (think Daughters of the American Revolution) or through Ellis Island. It’s white privilege.
Anon
I don’t think you should ever ask about someone’s ethnic heritage unless it’s important for some reason, and it very rarely is. Or if the persons starts volunteering information that makes it clear they want to talk about that aspect of their history. For example, I have a friend whose parents moved to California from Vietnam. I only asked her questions about this after we’d been friends for a long time and during a conversation in which she brought up the move. So, they were normal conversational questions.
Anon
I’m biracial and get weird questions from white people, too. I often respond with “where is your family from?” when asked.
Anon
My situation –
Where are you from?
Me: here
Them: me too, I was born here, but where are your people from?
Me: here. The reservation.
That usually shuts them up. I’m mixed, as are lots of natives, but usually people only want to know about the parts that don’t look European.
Anon
I agree. It is annoying and rude. I would respond with American, as others have suggested. If there is a follow up question I would respond with – Why do you ask? Do you think we might be related?
Anon
I hate this too. Maybe just say that you’re American. If they probe further, ask whether they’d from the UK, Ireland, Italy or wherever.
Sister of the bride dress
Is it possible to find formal shoes that are actually comfortable? Meaning have arch support and can stand and dance in them them for a all day event? My sister is getting married in June and I bought the OLEG CASSINI metallic a-line tank gown with slit skirt STYLE# WBM2411V2 from David’s Bridal. All of the formal sparkly shoes I have tried on are either a large heel and uncomfortable from the get go, or completely flat sandals with no support.
Looking for something formal that would match this dress but that I can actually wear all, if not most of the day. Less than 2″ heel preferred. I appreciate any suggestions!
Trixie
I suggest looking at Naot sandals…they are a bit heavy looking but do come in metallics and are so so comfortable. They have arch support, cushioned soles, and are super comfortable.
Anon
Metallic =/= formal though… these are not a match for that dress in formality…
Anon
Those look like orthotics
Anon
I would probably go with the flat sandal and build the comfort in with a silicone arch support and fore foot pad.
Anon
I love Clark’s heels for weddings. I’m 29 and pretty fashionable and have found a few pairs of Clark’s that fit the bill (you just have to avoid the ones that look like Clarks, lol!).
Some styles I like for weddings include:
– Caroleigh Anya in metallic. They’re not the most exciting but they’re extremely comfortable (I have 2 pairs, wear them to every wedding I go to) and they’re only a 1.75″ heel.
– Amali Buckle in metallic. These look like your classic metallic wedding heel, they’re not my style but they’re an ideal wedding shoe. I don’t own them, so can’t comment on comfort. They appear to have a heel just over 2″.
– Desirae Palm in metallic. These look more casual than the others, so maybe not a great fit for that dress. Don’t own them, so can’t comment on comfort. 1.75″ heel.
None of these are the most exciting or “statement” shoes, but they’re all suitable for weddings. As I mentioned above, I have the Caroleigh Anya’s in 2 colors and I wear them all the time: to weddings, to work, out to dinner. Extremely comfortable, I can wear them all day! And, I’m someone who never leaves the dance floor at a wedding :)
Lots to Learn
I purchased the Caroleigh Anya shoes for a wedding last summer based on recommendations here and they were perfect, and very comfortable. Only issue was the band on the top cutting into my foot a bit, not bad at all. And no blisters.
Anon
The Margaux City Sandal gets rave reviews for comfort.
DC Inhouse Counsel
I have these and have worn them to many weddings. Can confirm they are comfortable enough to dance the night away!
Clementine
I would actually just go to DSW and try on like 20 pair of dressy shoes.
I feel like a chunky low heeled sandal from Dolce Vita might be what you’re looking for- like this https://www.dolcevita.com/products/river-pearl-heels-in-vanila-pearls
Anon
I really, really like these, but FWIW most of the brides at recent weddings I’ve been to have had pearl shoes or other accessories so might be something for the OP to check with her sister (if her sister would care) before buying these!
Anon
These look very uncomfortable despite the low heel.
Anon
I have these shoes and think they’re comfortable: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/jrenee-j-rene-soncino-ankle-strap-sandal-women/4382466?color=METALLIC+TAUPE+LEATHER
Having a wide, adjustable strap that crosses in front of the heel helps keep the shoe secure to your foot, which helps a lot. If you want ultra comfortable, these can work with a formal dress: https://www.amazon.com/Gentle-Souls-Kenneth-Womens-Wedge/dp/B00DQZ34DG/ . I don’t think they make this style any more, but they really are extremely comfortable.
jm
Naturalizer Niko or Vanessa
Minnie Beebe
Definitely Naturalizer! They are the most comfortable heels for me, and reasonably priced. There are lots of different suitable styles to choose from– I’d go with something nude-for-me so that they don’t really stand out. Let the dress be the focus (which is gorgeous!)
Curious
+1 to Naturalizer.
Anon
I’m not a heels person, but I found Bella Vita heels extremely comfortable. For example: https://www.macys.com/shop/product/bella-vita-womens-everly-heeled-sandals?ID=15348104&CategoryID=66239&swatchColor=Nude%20Leather%20Tan%2FBeige
Anon
You might try shoes made for ballroom dance. Some of them are pretty. Not sexy, but definitely pretty.
Anon
Although ballroom dance shoes are comfortable, the bottom of the sole is usually suede. A suede bottom is great for dancing on a wood floor, but it means they are somewhat useless for anything outside.
Anonymous
I’ve been meaning to get musical artists’ character shoes for this. There’s one brand in particular that’s the gold standard, and in addition to the soft sole (sueade under) shoes there are hard ones – since they are meant for hours and hours and hours of dancing and have a wider toe box, they’d be ideal.
Anonymous
FWIW I wore character shoes (t-straps) as my main heels for years, despite the leather soles. You could also get a cobbler to attach a rubber sole if you wanted. They are designed to attach taps to if needed. I don’t think they particularly have arch support or much padding though – look at what ballerinas wear; dancers have low standards for comfortable shoes. But they stay on, flex, and have stable heels.
Anonymous
LaDuca was the brand I meant.
Cat
Do you have a preferred brand for work heels? Like JCrew’s heels always fit me well, and so I also would buy their dressy shoes since the fit model worked for my feet.
I’m curious to try Sarah Flint to see if the advertised arch support is as good as promised, but haven’t pulled the trigger.
anon.
Ok, hear me out, they are expensive. But my Paul Green heels are the best shoes I own. The only heels I will wear. Take a look and see if any of the styles would work for you.
Anon
Try these: https://www.schuhe-lueke.com/paul-green-womens-shoes-7469-203-2921410108.aspx ; I have ordered from this vendor multiple times.
Worried
There are great suggestions here. I have major foot pain, and for years have been looking for a more formal dressy shoe I can reach for a few times a year. In my 30s and 40s, the naturalizers and Clarks somewhat fit the bill. Nowadays, even they hurt too much after half an hour. I have had luck with shoes made in Portugal or Spain. They are more artsy rather than traditionally formal (at least the ones that were super comfy, though I’m sure some are very formal too,of course). I lucked out and found a pair of dark blue and gold half inch espadrilles from Spain and while not formal, are comfy. Wonders — a brand from Spain has a beautiful platform sandal in a colour called Rosa that I would buy if shipping to Canada would not be so prohibitive.
Worried
https://wonders.com/EN/en/d-1001_1960_7787#/20565-color-pink/58185-size-35
I would wear these, though it may not be considered formal by some.
Anon
Speedy but Marion Park is probably a good choice here. Made by a podiatrist.
Shots - not the fun kind
Has anyone had the Shingles vaccine? I’m scheduling my first shot on Thursday afternoon and I’m leaving Sunday for a business trip. Will that give me enough time to recover? What were your experiences?
Anon
I had zero reaction to either dose. My husband had a sore arm the day after, but not sore enough to have to slow down. He’s rather dramatic so he complained a lot.
Anon
My husband got his with a Covid booster and the combo knocked him out for a weekend.
Anon
I had no reaction.
I’ve had chicken pox (and Shingles) before. Not sure if that’s relevant.
PolyD
No reaction, boyfriend had a slight headache.
In contrast, all the COVID shots except the boosters gave me intense body aches and high fever for 24 hours.
NYC Librarian
I have had both doses of the shingles vaccine. Each time I had muscle soreness and redness at the injection site for 2-3 days. What was worse for me, though, was insomnia/fitful sleep coupled with vivid nightmares the night after the shot. It was disturbing because usually my dreams are rather anodyne. I was a bit of a wreck the next day from the poor sleep the night before. This happened for both doses.
BeenThatGuy
I had flu like symptoms with both doses and a horrifically sore arm, that was raised and hot at the injection site.
Anon
I had no reaction to either shot. My SIL had fever and exhaustion for 48 hours. I’d think by Sunday you’d be ok based on that.
Anon
I had the COVID shots and Shingles shots in the same quarter of 2021. I felt like I was always losing a weekend (got on a Friday or Saturday each time) b/c they all just made me achy and exhausted. Glad I am done with the Shingles shots (and real shingles I understand to be awful). For COVID, I finally got it and was relieved that I could pass on booster shots for a while after that (and then never re-started).
Anon
My husband and I both had reactions. The second shot more so than the first. The first shot was sore arm and mild flu like symptoms with temperature regulation issues. Had the shots on Friday and were back to normal by Monday – just a lost weekend. The second shot knocked both of us out for better part of a week — achy and exhausted, beyond what either of us could just push through.
Mrs. Jones
I had to stay in bed for a day after each shot. Then I was ok.
Seventh Sister
I didn’t have any reaction the first time. My arm was slightly sore the second time around which I think was the way the pharmacist placed the injection.
The only vaccine I’ve reacted to in my life was my second COVID vaccination, and even that was mild (a night of flu-like symptoms).
Anon
J had a similar reaction to the COVID vaccine, thought the COVID vaccine was worse. Headache, flu like symptoms like dizziness and exhaustion. I believe I was down one day for the first shot and two days for the second. But I had unusually extreme reactions to to COVID shots so maybe that’s just me. I have an autoimmune condition which may contribute.
That sad – I’m so glad I got all of the shots!!
Anonymous
Family photo shopping help please. I’m looking for a dress in either blue or gray. Any shade of either of those colors would be fine. Size 10 and sensitive about my lower stomach and hips. I’m looking for something with some kind of sleeve, knee or midi length, no weird cutouts, no loud prints, fitted in the waist, and no ruffles.
pugsnbourbon
If Navy is okay, maybe this one?
https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=634416022&cid=15292&pcid=15292&vid=1&nav=meganav%3AWomen%3AShop%20Women%27s%20Categories%3ADresses%20&cpos=6&cexp=2926&kcid=CategoryIDs%3D15292&cvar=26331&ctype=Listing&cpid=res23031307443653690369638&ccam=19669#pdp-page-content
Lighter blue: https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=819547002&cid=15292&pcid=15292&vid=1&nav=meganav%3AWomen%3AShop+Women%27s+Categories%3ADresses+&cpos=137&cexp=2926&kcid=CategoryIDs%3D15292&ctype=Listing&cpid=res23031307443653690369638#pdp-page-content
NYNY
Not sure of your budget or level of formality, but this dress from Pact in French Navy is pretty and would definitely get future use in my wardrobe: https://wearpact.com/women/apparel/dresses%20&%20skirts/the%20portside%20button-front%20dress/wa1-wdn-bmt
Anonymous
The Nordstrom dresses are a little more formal and the boden dresses are more casual.
Good luck!
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/adrianna-papell-asymmetrical-hem-a-line-dress/5895066?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=412
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/adrianna-papell-tie-waist-crepe-sheath-dress/6469104?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=613
https://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/broderie-flutter-maxi-dress-true-navy/sty-d0517-nav?cat=C1_S2_G4
https://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/sweetheart-linen-midi-dress-deep-sea/sty-d0499-grn?cat=C1_S2_G4
https://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/jersey-midi-tea-dress-navy/sty-d0455-nav?cat=C1_S2_G4
Anonymous
I could you some travel recommendations/advice.
1) Suggestions for hotels for a first trip to Paris? Looking for something in a location that is walkable to at least some of the major tourist sites, and preferably under $300/night.
2) We are spending a few days in Normandy and plan to go to Mont St Michel. Our trip timing is not ideal for the tides as there won’t be a truly high tide that surrounds the island with water while we’re there, but if we go in the first day or two of our trip, we would at least be able to see the tides and I think the “tidal bore” (on this tide chart, it’s one of the orange days and from my Google Translate French, I think that’s what “Phénomène de la marée visible au Mont Saint-Michel” is referring to https://www.ot-montsaintmichel.com/en/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2023/02/HORAIRES-DES-MAREES-2023-1.pdf ) Logistically, though, that means traveling to Normandy the day we arrive (after an overnight international flight), which I don’t love (because it involves train +driving and I’m sure we’ll be exhausted); we had originally planned to have Normandy as the second part of the trip after 5-6 days in Paris, but that means we won’t even be able to see the tides from Mont St Michel at all. So, for those that have been, is it worth it to see the tides change or should we just not worry about it and go with the better itinerary?
Mrs. Jones
Mt. St. Michel is awesome without tides so I wouldn’t necessarily rearrange a trip for them.
NYCer
Agreed. I would honestly not worry about this at all. Just schedule the Normandy portion of the trip when it works best in your travel itinerary.
Emma
In my opinion Mont St Michel is cool even if not surrounded by water. Normandy is also lovely- if you can, I would spend a few days there. I would pick the itinerary that works and not worry about the tide.
anon
I did what you’re suggesting — we flew overnight from Boston, landed in the morning and then rented a car and drove to Bayeux in Normandy. FWIW, we did a day-long guided van tour of WW2 sites, and it was just incredible. Truly. We also did a quick pit stop at Monet’s gardens in Giverny on our way out of Paris and then kept rolling on to Bayeux. We did 3 nights in Normandy and then drove back in to Paris and did 4 nights there. We did not see Mont St Michel as we just couldn’t fit it all in.
Eliza
Re. Paris, the Hotel de la Place des Vosges is perfectly located just outside one of the entrances to the Place des Vosges in the Marais. The rooms are on the modern side, comfortable, and the front desk is very kind and welcoming. I can’t recall if they offer breakfast, but you can always go to Carette right on the square, which is such a treat. The Hotel Jeanne d’Arc is also in the Marais on the opposite side of the Places des Vosges, recently updated, and within your budget.
If you want to try a place in St. Germain, the Grande Hotel de l’Univers on Rue Gregoire is cute, offers breakfast (or they did a few years ago) and also comfortably within all the major sights.
anon
Not sure about price (depends on season I imagine), but we stayed at Hotel Malte and really liked it.
Anon
The two hotels I liked in Paris were the Park Hyatt and the Marriott Renaissance, both in the Vendome area. I doubt the first is under $300 but the second may be. I’d search around for a deal.
I loved staying in the 1er. Walkable to everything.
Emily in Paris
Hotel Monge! I got the recommendation from someone on this board and I’ll never stay anywhere else. Great neighborhood, super walkable (10 minutes to Notre Dame), two train lines on the block, and fantastically underpriced. The metro goes right underneath and you can hear it, which may be why it’s cheap. But it ticks all your boxes.
Anonymous
I lived directly above the 6 train in NYC for years, so yea, that won’t even make me blink. I’ll check it out!
Anon
I’m looking for a comparison of TechGC and ACC. If you could only join one, which would it be and why? I am not one to go to lots of networking events or enjoy them.
Cat
I basically use ACC for networking events and CLEs. If you don’t want the networking I wouldn’t bother.
anon
ACC, but depends on where you live. If you’re not in a city where TechGC has events, it’s pretty useless IMO. At least in my city, there are bucketloads of ACC CLE opportunities; it’s also a wider range of industries and companies so the networking benefit (even if you’re just doing CLEs and not the networking events) is higher to me. Their daily newsletter is also quite helpful. TechGC also used to be SUPER pricey (not sure if it still is).
Anon
More info–if you are an experienced tech attorney, when you hang out with TechGC folks at TechGC events is when you learn, holy wow, there are a LOT of not-experienced TechGC members. That is to say, some of the content is not super-high-level/folks are new to tech or the GC role. I say this from a perspective of being trained and coming up in house in the Valley, in corporate, lots of board/M&A/securities experience.
ACC is much broader, but has many specialist groups. I find their message boards more robust.
I would consider joining one for a year, then the other. ACC is MUCH cheaper than TechGC (by orders of magnitude), but your outside counsel may have a “freebie” seat or two to hand out also.
i watch oscars for the fashion
Can we talk about the Oscars fashion?
My favorites/best dressed:
Rhianna – perfection. And a risk; without everything being perfect, it could have went bad so easily.
Idris Elba – blue is about the only color that actually looked decent with the backdrop (see rant below), but even with that advantage I really like the jacket, oversized bow tie and shoes.
Michelle Williams – ethereal, so pretty. Hair and makeup were perfect with the dress.
Lenny Kravitz – idk, I just love this look, it makes me smile every time
Mindy Kaling – I really, really like this. Sometimes I feel like sculptural dresses can wear a person, instead of the person wear it – and Mindy owns this dress and looks fantastic
Malala Yousafzai – I wouldn’t have thought it, but more sequins is the correct answer
Melissa McCarthy – looks amazing, and also looks like it would be so fun to actually wear.
Sofia Carson – I almost want to have another wedding so I can wear this exact dress and necklace and hairstyle.
Lauren Ridloff – I love this. and the cutouts.
Questlove – I love the oversize jacket.
Worst Dressed:
The set – the champaign carpet could probably have been fine if they hadn’t decided mismatched walls and orange poles belonged as the backdrop for most of the pictures. Who thought that basement poles should be highlighted in orange??? at least paint or wrap them in the same color as the walls so that they disappear. I just can not get over all of these gorgeous and expensive looks (art really) that took months of work to prepare, in front of a completely unflattering backdrop that looks straight out of an updated Holiday Inn conference center. I seriously could rant about this for quite a while (and, ahem, did last night to DH…).
I’m not even putting anyone else on my worst dressed because the set just made all of it looks so bad, I don’t think it’s fair.
Shelle
Rihanna looked stunning! Cate Blanchett as well.
Oh yes Lenny Kravitz brought the rock star look and I liked it, and Alton Mason took it to the next level with a real knockout Tom Ford suit.
My fav look was Cara Delevingne. She brought the drama! And her matching eyeshadow completed the look so well.
That champagne carpet… looked like a fitting room at Nordstrom that’s seen better days, complete with spare threads and safety pins strewn all over.
i watch oscars for the fashion
ooh yes Cara Delevinge! That big gown with the slit is perfect 2023.
pugsnbourbon
I would add Paul Mescal, Emily Blunt and Hong Chau to the best-dressed list.
I wasn’t a fan of Rooney Mara’s or Zoe Saldana’s looks. They looked like they just got of a shipwreck.
Vicky Austin
I LOVED Malala. So elegant. You’re so right about the photo background though, ugh.
Seventh Sister
Yes, I thought she looked amazing.
Anonymous
I found Rihanna’s outfit quite dated.
Anon
The carpet and backdrop were mistakes; the set people should have known better and I don’t think we’ll see that come back. So many Oscar attendees wear cream/champagne or other light-colored dresses now that choosing a carpet and backdrop color that basically matched so many of the dresses just washed people out. There were some beautiful looks last night but the ones that stood out to me were the ones with vibrant colors that did not match the carpet/backdrop (Melissa McCarthy; Angela Bassett). And that’s probably because I could actually see them. Agree that the set designers should have called up some of the designers who were making dresses for attendees – it’s not like people haven’t been posting on their Instas for months about dress concept meetings, dress fittings, etc. – and asked “what color is (attendee name’s) dress?” And if the answer was “cream,” “champagne,” “ecru,” “beige,” etc. from a majority of attendees – then they should have picked different colors for the carpet and backdrop. Live and learn, I guess.
i watch oscars for the fashion
I read a NYT article (Hey, That Red Carpet Isn’t Red!) about the champagne carpet and apparently they do convey it to the stylists in advance…but honestly the article just made me think worse of the backdrop choices; apparently they did think about it and this is where they landed. If you look at photos from last year, they had a nice 3D kind of backdrop that clearly looked crafted and receded into the background while still being something for the looks to pop off.
Seventh Sister
I loved Angela Bassett’s gown – probably my favorite of the night. That purple!
Seventh Sister
Two more things: I love Pedro Pascal but I’m a zealot about wearing ties with tuxedos, it would have been better with a tie (preferably Brooks Brothers-type black silk bow tie).
General hair issue: the weather yesterday in LA was cold-ish (kind of normal for March) but also unusually humid. There were a few people where whatever wave/curl/body someone had managed to get into their hair was just falling out mid-ceremony. Cate Blanchett was smart to wear an updo.
Anon
Loved Fan Bingbing’s dress. I’m not familiar with her film career, but she’s been doing this for years — attending major awards shows in an absolutely knockout look. Kind of reminds me of Zendaya before her career really took off.
I’m too old to be in either of their fanbases, but I missed Zendaya and Timothy Chalamet at this one. The red carpet at the Oscars can often veer towards formal and glamorous, but rather safe looks. I would’ve loved to see more ambitious fashion, perhaps from a younger star (although I enjoyed many of the gowns!)
Anon
The look that took my breath away was Cara Delevigne, though since she’s a model I guess that’s not unexpected. The dress was divine and the kind of thing you could only wear on a night like this.
I also thought Michelle Williams’ dress was beautiful.
The fact that I’m not remembering any other outfits probably says a lot. It seems like there was quite a bit of black this year.
Anon
Oh I remember one more dress. Halle Bailey. It was beautiful and fitting for the modern mermaid, but I wish it had fit her in the bust. I guess that’s the former home sewist in me.
I always think that of that sort of dress though – the kind with the visible built in cups. I think they want a lot of spillage over the top and then it just looks too small.
Anon
Cats Blanchett and Malala were my faves! I thought the men were more interesting than normal. I liked Seth Rogen, Samuel L Jackson, Paul Mescal and Colin Farrell + kid.
Anon
Top pick…Malala.
And the lady in the pink gown…Stephanie Hsu? I don’t know who she is but she looked good.
Loved the red on Cara but the slit reminded me of Angeline’s leg.
Anon
Can we talk Oscars? Thought it was such a feel-good ceremony with some fabulous gowns, excellent musical performances, and moving speeches!
My favorite looks of the night were Angela Bassett and Cara DeLevigne. Absolutely stunning, both. Would love to hear your faces and least faves!
Josie P
Helpppppp I saw this skirt in the Anthro window over the weekend and now I want it! But I have nowhere to wear it and it’s expensive! Talk me in or out: https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/by-anthropologie-floral-applique-skirt?category=SHOPBYBRAND&color=030&type=STANDARD&quantity=1
Anon
The happiest outfits to shop for for me are dressy outfits for weather in the 80s-90s, when I don’t need tights or a jacket. I have to remind myself that this part of my wardrobe is very very fully-stocked (maybe could use some new pretty sandals vs utility sandals) and to not buy more.
My daily driver outfits are always meh and shopping for them doesn’t spark joy. I know you only live once, but I have stopped trying to kid myself that I could work this into my work outfits and wear more then once a month to diner out (but it’s a May-September outfit in my part of the world — I never put this energy into a January dinner-out outfit; only the summer ones are truly fun for me).
Anon
Ooooh I love this. I want it! Do we think with the right top this would be appropriate for cocktail attire wedding? If so, what top…?
Cat
I’ll help talk you out of it – it looks kind of flammable to me and harder to dress down than the tulle skirt another poster linked above.
Anonymous
What in your closet would you not wear if you chose to wear this skirt? Do you have a killer dress or other statement skirt that you would be sad to leave in your closet if you wore this skirt? If so, leave this skirt in the shop (or wait for it on sale or poshmark). If you think this fills a wardrobe hole or fills it better than something you already own get it! It doesn’t look particularly trendy so you may be able to wear it twice a year for the next 10 years, which is a pretty reasonable wear level for a dressy item.
Anon
I’m not a huge fan – in person I think will look crafty not chic
Anonymous
All those appliques will fall off with the first trip to the dry cleaner.
thanksgiving anxiety
talking you out: the fabric looks cheap, the waistband brings it down formality-wise, and looks like a nightmare to clean. it’s giving quirky preschool teacher overdressed at a staff holiday party.
talking you in: it’s not that expensive for what it is, could be fun for winter parties dressed down with a cashmere sweater, if you have kids it’d be fun to add to their dress-up/play clothes when you’re over it (do kids still have those?), you saw it in person so have a better idea of quality than I do
if you’re 50/50 you could put an alert on it and snatch it up when it goes on sale
Treat Myself
I want to treat myself to something nice for my promotion. I have narrowed it down to Annoushka diamond and pearl drop earrings (a la Kate Middleton) or a new leather work bag from Smythson. I’m leaning toward the bag because my Cuyana tote is on its last leg and a bit unstructured for my taste, and this would allow me to upgrade the inevitable replacement. The earrings are more special, but I’m also a little apprehensive they are a bit much for day to day. Any thoughts from the group? I also plan to take my DH to a celebratory dinner as he has been very supportive in this long effort.
Anon
If it were me, I’d do the earrings as I think they’d feel more “special” than a work bag and I would get more mileage out of them. For me, getting something for work doesn’t feel like a treat, regardless if the bag is gorgeous.
I also think depending on which style of the diamond and pearl drop earrings, they could absolutely be worn day to day.
Anon
+1 earrings!
Treat Myself OP
Thanks! I should have specified I want something that I will use at work specifically or is work related in some way. I am hoping that it will give me a bit of a pick me up when I see it and reflect.
Anon
Earrings. But I think Anoushka is way overpriced.
Job Opportunity
Hive, sorry for the long comment but I need some help with deciding whether to take a new job opportunity.
Current job: general counsel for a division within a highly regulated industry (think, banking). I’ve been here forever and have a good reputation for knowledge and ability to get along with others. I report to another GC (big boss) and supervise my own team. Big boss has a reputation for being a micro manager and imposing obligations on my team which are not warmly received. Like others, we have had a fair amount of movement within our team, including people leaving for other positions and onboarding of new staff, which is very challenging given the huge size of our organization and the complex regulatory environment. I have fought hard to give my team the compensation/titles I think they deserve and am only partially successful. Overall, morale is not great despite my efforts to support and champion my team. I feel like all I do is onboard new people and work 2+ jobs to fill in when we have vacancies. I also think if I don’t take new job now, I will be here until retirement.
New job: same industry, same title, but no big boss to report to, so I will be captain of my own ship. Compensation is better, people seem very nice, culture seems good. Only downside is that new job is in new state which would be a flight away from current home state, so would incur additional costs for lodging and transportation to return to home state. My partner is not planning to move with me but can work remotely a portion of the time and may retire in not too distant future. I will likely be able to work remotely one day a week too, so could feasibly return to current home state for long weekends. We have (adult) children, who are split between home city and other states. I would have to build credibility with leadership and am not 100% sure of stability of internal team although it seems good. Both jobs seem stable with little risk of job loss. WWYD?
Anon
Personally not enough money in the world to make me move a state away from my husband. I’d keep looking and doesn’t sound like you have a bad deal in the meantime. There’s always someone annoying to work around at even the best companies.
NYCer
+1. I personally would have never even considered the out of state job.
Anon
what made you apply to this job given the location change? you mention partner might retire soon, how long do you think you have left in the workforce?
OP
I applied because there is no analogous opportunity for me if I remain in home city, and I am very frustrated by my current situation. You could say I have a lot of responsibility but limited authority which is a huge dissatisfier. I am also ready for a new opportunity. I love the work I do and would like to work longer than my partner, but I feel like that’s unlikely if I remain in my current position due to factors described.
Anon
This is a personal decision then. On that note, I’ve never had a job provide me with more satisfaction than my husband. If you’re cool with going home to dinners for one and being lonely for a job, do it. I was single for decades and can’t imagine giving up my life for a job now. And I say that as someone very independent, extroverted and self sufficient.
Anon
I personally don’t want to have to have a flight commute to work or to my family, so if it were me I’d pass on #2
That being said, I am seeing a lot more people do this in the last year or so, so if it works for your family go for it! It just wouldn’t work for me.
Anom
You’re an empty nester and senior in your career. If you don’t take this, will you regret not pursuing? Sounds like something you’ll need to decide with your partner and maybe your adult children. You’ll need their emotional support to be successful.
i watch oscars for the fashion
+1 if your partner is really supportive and interested at least part time residing in new city eventually, I think you should go for it because it sounds like you want it.
Personally I wouldn’t want to do this, I’m much too attached to my home, community and daily time with my husband, BUT I don’t think that it can’t work for you if your family is supportive.
Anonymous
Do you not like your partner? I wouldn’t consider this for a second. You don’t need this job. It’s not even clearly better than the one you have? I’d be deeply offended if my spouse wanted to leave me and go long distance for no real reason.
Liza
Would your partner relocate to be with you upon retirement? How distant is not-too-distant?
Anon
So, if you do this, you are essentially prioritizing your job over basically everything else in your life, including your relationship with your partner. And that’s completely fine to do and many of us make that choice for seasons of our career in a “short-term pain for long-term gain” kind of calculus. But understand in advance that’s what you’re doing, and you don’t get to decide (or manage) other people’s reactions to that choice. If your partner is supportive, no problem. If the plan is to do the out-of-state job indefinitely, will your partner remain indefinitely supportive? That’s a question you probably need to talk through up front.
I have known several couples who went into a long-distance situation for 3-5 years so one member of the couple could finish out their career on a high note, (my own dad did this, actually, taking a job 2 hours away from where my mom was living so he could finish out his career in what he considered to be a “terminal” position, with a high salary and excellent retirement match that allowed him to retire early. They saw each other on weekends for 2 years, then my mom moved to where he was).
I think it’s important that going into the opportunity, both people know if the situation is temporary or permanent or what. I don’t know about doing an indefinite switch to a long-distance relationship with someone I had been with for years, and had children with, but you know your own relationship – we don’t.
I am going to echo the commenter who said no job has ever been as satisfying for me as my marriage, or my relationship with my child, or my relationships with my family members and friends. And I’ve made career decisions accordingly, which included not searching for new job opportunities in states where my “people” don’t live. Deep down, you know why you made the choice to start looking for another job and went down the path of applying and interviewing for an opportunity so far away from where you live. Just want to say – the financial aspect of this change would be big for me: paying for two places to live and travel back and forth would definitely affect our budget and our retirement planning, unless the new job came with a seriously large salary increase. Only you can evaluate whether the trade-offs of taking the new job are worth it. They would not be for me, but if they are for you – go for it.
OP
Definitely not an indefinite switch! As noted above, my partner is retirement age and is fine with a short term, long distance relationship type of arrangement. I also would not want to be away from my people long term. This is very analogous to the situation you describe with your parents. I definitely will consider the very thoughtful responses above, thanks to all who responded!
Anon
My dad was transferred b/w offices and rather than make us all change schools, he commuted M-F and was home Friday night-very early Monday morning (NYC suburbs -> Philly suburbs). It was a PITA and barely worked, but it helped that I was at least old enough to drive. It was just for a year and change and he had been transferred so much within the NY/NJ area that we learned to adapt. That said, it was not a plane ride away and was maybe 2 years before the next transfer that put him at an easier driving distance to our house. The economy was rotten then, so it was easier to just go along than risk trying to find another job.
Anon
Reworded b/c I used a bad word:
My dad was shifted b/w offices and rather than make us all change schools, he commuted M-F and was home Friday night-very early Monday morning (NYC suburbs -> Philly suburbs). It was a PITA and barely worked, but it helped that I was at least old enough to drive. It was “just” for a year and change and he had been moved so much within the NY/NJ area that we learned to adapt. That said, it was not a plane ride away and was maybe 2 years before the next switch that put him at an easier driving distance to our house. The economy was rotten then, so it was easier to just go along than risk trying to find another job.
Anon
I don’t have the level of job dissatisfaction that you have but I was recently offered a position with another company with a promotion and substantial pay increase (like 35%). It also required 3 days a week in the office (with a 2 hour commute each way). I passed on the offer. I’m 60, I see some kind of retirement in the future and some days I almost feel like I’m semi-retired. My office is 15 minutes away and I’m there only twice a month. I like my boss and most of the people I work with. I don’t need the money. I’m not paying college tuitions anymore and my retirement account is in pretty good shape. During warmer months, I’m on the pickleball court at 5:15 PM. The job offer just wasn’t worth it.
Night Owl
Late to comment, so hope you check back. I’ll take the opposite view. The career situation you describe could have been me verbatim 2 years ago. I took a much more rewarding position where I am appreciated, have much more autonomy — and am paid a lot better. My new organization is a great place and a much better fit. So so glad I took the leap as my last job was suffocating for reasons like you describe. And being at a job where I had responsibility without real authority, was expected to work for someone who was less qualified, and wasn’t really heard about my own career aspirations was having a negative impact on my life outlook overall. I spend a lot of my time invested in my job. When I’m frustrated there, it spills over. On the personal front, sounds like it could be short term, and with the flexibility of where people can work from, you may not be apart from your DH as much as you think and sounds like it could be short term. You do you, and what works best for your life. And your career can be part of that decision.
Cb
I made the King Arthur Flour Japanese soufle pancakes this weekend, and they were extra (making meringues before 10am???) but so, so delicious. Definitely recommend if you want an impressive breakfast.
Anon
Thanks for sharing! I am always looking for interesting pancakes recipes. Currently I am trying to convince myself that my pancakes made with protein powder instead of flour pureed with a banana/egg etc.. and spiced with cardomom are healthy, despite the maple syrup (!). I love me a good breakfast for dinner on the weekend.
This weekend I made the Budget Bytes peanut tofu noodles. Topped with fresh scallions, sesame seeds, and fresh lime…. A decadent treat!
Oscars fashion
Was anyone kind of bored by all the Oscar’s fashion last night? Usually there are some wow that’s gorgeous moments but most of the dresses were just blah
Lily
Didn’t watch the show but have looked at slideshows. I liked:
Nicole Kidman – wow
Cara Delevingne – the color, the fabric, just wow
Kerry Condon – so simple but elegant and loved the color
Emily Blunt – she can do no wrong. So timeless.
Zoe Saldana – Not exactly my cup of tea but I liked the delicate nature of the dress and her hair/makeup were stunning
Rihanna – made me smile!
JTM
Not at all. I loved so many looks last night, especially Angela Bassett.
i watch oscars for the fashion
nah I came away would a good list of ones I liked, but the set behind where they were taking photos really didn’t do any of the fashion a great service and I’d hazard that led to less “wow” moments. I have a long rant about this posted above that I feel the internet is not paying enough attention to so I keep saying it. LOL :)
anon
I’ve been really struggling with anxiety impacting my sleep (I wake up super early most days) I’m seeing a therapist already. any other general tips for how to sleep better when under pressure?
Cb
Waves from 4:12 am…
Are you struggling to settle once you’re awake? I find a yoga nidra podcast can sometimes help.
Curious
Make sure you get your blood work checked. My depression and insomnia evaporated when we found and treated a calcium deficiency.
The body can get into a habit of night wakes. Hydroxyzine really helps me sleep through to reset the pattern. I only need 5 mg; 10 makes me a zombie.
You’re also supposed to get out of the bed to not associate bed with wakefulness. YMMV, as we found and fixed the calcium thing before I had to try this.
Anon
The Headspace app! The nighttime SOS meditations are great when my anxiety keeps me up.
Anxious Anon
What helped me:
– Sleep with Me podcast or similar; nonsensical ramblings that I can vaguely listen to and then the next thing I know, I’m waking up hours later on a different episode;
– Nature’s Way Calm Aid (made with lavender oil) & magnesium glycinate;
– Anti-anxiety medication that I take at night (makes me drowsy & stopped the 3:30 A.M. panic attacks that woke me up); &
– Regular yoga & meditation (as in daily).
Anon
What is everyone cooking this week? Seriously lacking on my meal prep inspiration lately!
Ribena
All Smitten Kitchen all the time here. I made her sausage and potato roast with arugula (link tk) on Saturday for a dinner with a friend and it was delicious – we went through a whole bag of rocket between the two of us.
Planning to make the lentils and kale with goats cheese from her new book for dinner on Wednesday too.
And then lots of ‘grains pouch plus leaves’ salads and egg fried rice with veggies to round ou the week’s food.
Ribena
https://smittenkitchen.com/2017/10/sausage-and-potato-roast-with-arugula/
JustmeintheSouth
Looks so good and easy
Thanks!!
H13
The lentils with kale and goat cheese from the new cookbook is on heavy rotation in my house. I love it.
Cb
I’m not travelling this week, and for some stupid reason, cancelled our meal kit delivery, so gasp… I need to plan and cook. I made instant pot chicken soup with bak choy and udon noodles last night, which was good but the broth was a bit bland. I’m going to make daal tonight (from the bowls of goodness cookbook) and once I get some yellow tomatoes (wish me luck in post-Brexit britain…), I’m going to make a golden shakshuka.
Cb
For additional context – my husband is veggie, I’m dairy free, and my child is carnivorous. If what we’re having is too spicy, I’ll make him the instant pot salmon pasta.
Vicky Austin
Biiig same. Following with interest!
Anom
My 7 yo only wants Mac & cheese from the box. She’ll consent to eat other pasta. Occasionally. The only veggies she’ll eat are steamed broccoli, baby carrots and sliced raw sweet peppers. I hate making dinner. My older daughter will eat other things, but DH mostly doesn’t make it home for dinner. Or is at best unpredictable. So I either make blah dinner for the two kids and freezer food for me (im vegetarian). Or two dinners. Argh.
Anon
glad to know i’m not the only one with a mac and cheese obsessed child
Bean74
I’m so glad someone else is in the same boat! My six-year-old would eat purple box Mac and cheese every night. My husband is picky, doesn’t make it home for dinner most weeknights, and often orders takeout once he’s home anyway.
So it’s mostly pasta for the kiddo because I don’t have the bandwidth to fight this battle, and either bowls or salads made of weekend leftovers for me. My M.O. lately had been to stock sturdy greens, interesting toppings (nuts, fruit, cheeses), and condiments to make different dressings. Not awesome but gets the job done.
Anon
Maybe you should try the Budget Bytes peanut tofu noodles. You can make with any protein, any veg too. Kids tend to like peanut butter which may be just slightly healthier than fake cheese (?), and you can use any kid of noodle/pasta if you want to mix it up.
nuqotw
King Arthur has a new pizza recipe up with lots of topping options. We had white pizza last night. (Kid announced tomato sauce is gross. I made white pizza. Kid saw tomato sauce free pizza and glared at it skeptically. Kid deigned to take a bite. Midway through a second piece Kid said “I didn’t think I’d like this but it’s much better than I expected.” High praise from Caesar.)
Anon
Tonight is lemon risotto with bay scallops and roasted asparagus
Tomorrow is a simplified version of NYTimes mushroom farro dish with a simple side salad
Wednesday is Half Baked Harvest Greek lemon chicken bowls with sizzled mint goddess sauce
Thursday is chorizo tacos with lemon crema and roasted garlic Yukon potatoes
Friday we’re hosting a St Patrick’s Day party and I need ideas!!! I’ll probably post about this later.
Vicky Austin
I made Smitten Kitchen’s cheddar beer mustard pull-apart bread for an early St. Paddy’s party that was our last social event in March 2020 and it was a huge hit.
Anonymous
roast chicken (Zuni cafe recipe) and then making stock with the bones to do a veg ravioli soup with. my other one is a white bean, Swiss chard sausage one pot pasta. and supplementing with take out the rest of the time!
anon
I’m new to the world of hot water bottles. How do you store one between use, especially if it will be several months before you use it again? Just leave the cap off and hope the water evaporates without mold growing?
Anon
Thats what I do
Anonymous
Yes and I’ve never had a problem. Just tip the water out
anonshmanon
I leave it upside down in my dish rack for a bit before putting it away. I’ve never had issues in the 20 years of using hot water bottles. Remember that mold needs a food source to grow! There is no reason for it to set up shop in that rubber container.
Anonymous
Yeah, and I’ve figured out a way to attach a hair band to the top and loop it around the neck of the water bottle so it won’t get lost.
anon
I’m biracial (posted in one of the threads above), and I’ve realized that I feel very lonely from the perspective of not really being able to talk about this shared experience with anyone, and I would really like to. How do I find opportunities for that? I have like 1 not super close friend who is, but otherwise I don’t. and I feel like I can’t raise it with her or other ppl up front b/c that’s weird. Are there support groups for this kind of thing? help?
Anon
This is a great question and I would be interested to hear anyone’s thoughts since my kids are biracial. And I am sorry that you feel lonely about this. I worry about my kids too in the same way. Do you have any cousins in the same situation? Would it help to learn more and ask both of your parents questions about their heritage?
anon
I do have some cousins that are in the same boat/ Parents are hard because they are wonderful but stuck in their perspective and I don’t think they understand that being biracial is just a different experience. it is super lonely.
Anon
Are there any things your parents/relatives could say/do/ask that would help? I am a parental figure for a niece, who is biracial, who is also moving to a part of the country that is less diverse than where she grew up. Would like to know how to help.
anon
I think some combination of realizing that it’s a “thing” and giving her space to express herself and have her own experiences would go a long way. my parents are from diametrically opposed cultures and different parts of the world and somehow it never occurred to them that I might have a different experience from them, so they sort of superimpose their narratives on mine and don’t really give me space to express myself. so like my dad is from India, and for him the 2 options are American and Indian. so he’ll be like, “well now I’ve been in the US for 50 years and I’m more american than Indian. you’re all american.” And he’ll say stuff like that whenever I talk about the topic. It’s not ill intended and he’s just trying to contribute to the conversation, but he fundamentally doesn’t get where I’m coming from (which is understandable) but if he just gave me a bit of space and tried to understand that would help.
Also exposure to both my halves. Neither of my parents were keen on that, so now I’m more or less limited to being told by relatives that I’m not Indian enough when I decide to study a language other than sanskrit, for example.
Anon
I don’t have any ideas for your question, but I’d recommend Mariah Carey’s memoir. She goes into detail about her experiences with this.
Anon
I think it’s touched on in a lot of books. Crying in H Mart is the one that immediately comes to mind but I’m sure there are lots of others.
Curious
I am white so hesitated to reply, but based on my experience with biracial cousins and friends:
(1) Do you know anyone from Hawaii who moved to the mainland? A friend talks about how being biracial or more mixed is super common there and a normal topic of conversation and that it’s been weird to come to the mainland where it’s rarer. So Hawaiian friends might be open to conversation.
(2) I have gotten the impression that people generally have the same fraught experience as you and really would appreciate talking about it with someone who understands. This may actually be a topic it’s okay to broach with your friend. My cousin, whose dad is Black, once said to me “but I’m white, too!” He hates it when people try to pigeonhole him.
Best to you. I wish I had more to offer than a white girl’s observations and hope they weren’t too out of place.
Hellooooooooo
This! Hawaii does have a lot of bi/multi-racial folks. Am originally from there.
Anon
I’m hoping you’ll see this since it’s so late. I’m biracial too and I started an affinity group at work. The feeling of not belonging and of being lonely in our experiences has been shared and resonate and is something we have in common even though most of us are different races and ethnicities. And there’s a lot of difference within our experiences too. It’s such a big part of who I am and feels invisible to most of my friends. To that point, I do think your super not close friend may really appreciate it if you raised it. I know if someone reached out to me I would jump at the opportunity to have a friend to share this with (I love my work friends, and it’s work). There’s also an annual conference on this topic (google multi-racial conference) and I’ve been to the Othering and Belonging Conference put on by UC Berkeley and learned a lot. I’d also be into talking.
Anon
All of a sudden I am obsessed with L’agence blazers but wish they were not so expensive. Anyone have any and what are your thoughts? Good places to find them on sale? Are they true to size? I have never tried one on, but they look amazing.
https://lagence.com/collections/blazers-jackets
Anon
Chapter 13 here. Hoping this doesn’t get buried in what looks like a busy Monday morning around here! I’m 6 months into this thing and already struggling. I need some help. I need to learn about budgeting, my relationship with money, how to spend intentionally, etc.
I think part of that is a therapist who is familiar with these issues, but the other part is money management 101. I’ve realized I don’t do well with trying to consume this information on my own via YouTube, reading books/blogs, etc. I need a 1:1 situation where someone can teach me how to budget, what I should be doing with my money, etc. Does this exist? If so, any specific recommendations?
For the money relationship side, can anyone recommend any tele- therapists who are specifically familiar with bankruptcy and financial issues? I’ve finally gotten through several wait lists for local therapy and none have worked out.
Ribena
I can’t remember what you said your work situation is at the moment? If your employer has an ‘employee assistance program’ financial wellness might well be a part of that. Worth asking, in any case. I’m increasingly seeing it as part of the ‘employee proposition’ offered by firms we work with.
Anonymous
I think for the therapy side can you start with an EAP and then methodically work through anyone who takes your insurance? Spending issues are super common you don’t need a specialist and that’s going to cost you more money!
Anon
Hi. The therapists I have seen have accepted my insurance so it didn’t cost me anything, but we didn’t click as they weren’t familiar with financial issues.
Anon
I don’t think this is what people go to therapists for. You probably wont find this type of person through your insurance/EAP.
PJ
You sound like a good candidate for Dave Ramsey financial peace class: in person or virtual. You’ll have some accountability and learn live, ask questions, etc
Good luck!
Anon
Although I dislike Ramsey strongly as a person, I have to admit that I listened to his podcast and after listening to just a few episodes you can learn some basics about how to prioritize your spending, focus on bringing down debt, and how to prioritize savings.
So I recommend his podcast for a kick in the butt, and then hopefully others will recommend a good basic book to read, and you should also check out Her Money podcast with Jean Chatsky.
No Jesus
If you do this, please know that: (1) it is heavily influenced by an evangelical Christian worldview, and (2) it is very basic and as your relationship wit your finances matures, you will come to realize that you have moved beyond what he teaches and that is OK.
Betsy
If you aren’t able to find a one-on-one situation that works for you, the app You Meed A Budget has worked really well for me. I paid off a lot of credit card debt a few years ago and I have found YNAB to be incredibly helpful in staying out of credit card debt ever since. It’s a little confusing at first, but once you get it set up it is a very useful way of thinking about your money. It’s framed around thinking about how you will spend the money you currently have rather than looking back at how you spent the money you had last month. They offer a lot of videos for beginners that could be helpful for you in learning the basics of budgeting.
I also wonder (just throwing this out there in case it resonates) if the feeling you have about needing to find one on one support is perhaps a symptom of the problem. Like if my house is dirty I find myself wanting to buy lots of fancy cleaning supplies instead of just getting to work with what I already have to get it clean. Throwing money at finding a perfect solution feels better than just sitting down and facing my problem. I know that was absolutely part of why I struggled with credit card debt. I think finding a therapist who is comfortable working directly with money issues might be harder, but finding one who is great at supporting self-confidence and security issues (or whatever else seems like it might be the root cause) will help you cast a much wider net!
Anon
I had a great experience with the financial gym. They do an assessment of where you are, what your goals are, etc. Then they come up with a plan and you meet with your trainer monthly to talk about your spending in the previous month, the state of your investments, etc. I found it incredibly helpful! I worked with them for about a year until I felt like I got my footing under me.
Bbanon
Do you need a financial literacy course or perhaps to hire a math tutor to design one or work through one with you? Or do you need a therapist to explore all you habits and feelings driving them. I think these might have to be two separate things and not usually available from one provider.
Betsy
Also just a gentle reframe – you are six months into this thing and of course you are struggling! Six months in is the hardest part! The initial rush of taking control of a bad situation and moving forward has worn off, but you haven’t been doing it long enough yet to see the end in sight. It sounds like you might be beating yourself up for struggling, but I think that you are at the most natural time to struggle. Recognize that and be proud of yourself for continuing.
No Jesus
Checkout NFCC dot org. They can connect you with a place where you can connect with a credit counselor.
Anon
Does your local community college or adult ed teach budgeting and personal finance? Or check with your public library and see if they know of someone local to you that teaches it.
Anonymous
In the meantime, can you figure out your discretionary spending (after taxes, rent, debt repayment, etc) and use cash for those items based on pre determined envelopes.
There used to be some tv shows with Suze Orman and Gail Vaz Oxlade that focused on helping people get control of their spending. Maybe you can find some reruns to watch.
H13
I have my first endoscopy tomorrow. The procedure isn’t until 1:30 and I can’t have anything to eat or drink six hours before. I can have clear liquids 6 hours prior, however. Should I get up and try to get some calories by liquids in the morning or even a few glasses of water? Or just gut it out? I usually don’t eat until late morning but worried I am going to be very, very thirsty by 1:30pm. Any tips?
Anonymous
Girl yes. Drink some water. Have some food.
H13
I feel like I wasn’t entirely clear in my post. I can’t have anything by mouth after 7:30am. I can’t tell if trying to drink something between 7-7:30am would make me hungrier later or not. No food after dinner the previous evening.
Anonymous
I would get up and drink something clear with calories in it. Like gatorade or sprite.
Anon
Maybe Smartwater with electrolytes?
H13
That’s a good idea.
Mac
I’ve always tried to eat/drink up to the last available time for medical procedure. Even if it means waking up at an odd time to do it and then going back to bed to sleep. Being hungry and/or thirsty is going to make the day that much longer. Hope it goes well – good luck!
Anon
Yes, definitely hydrate, although you will pee it all out right away if you drink it all at once. If you want a little bit of nutrition, I would get one of the Boost clear or premier protein clear and drink that, along with some sort of sugar free sports drink with electrolytes if you want to drink more.
Anonymous
I got an endoscopy 6 mo ago and it was around 2pm. I also woke up and immediately chugged water while staying out of the time window. I didn’t bother with gatorade or electrolytes and felt fine. I also prepared a snack and some tea in a thermos to drink and eat as soon as I was out of the procedure and getting driven home. good luck! mine was super quick, painless, and getting out of anesthesia was fine so I wish you the same experience
helloanon
I just took a family member to get an endo and although his dr told him don’t eat 4-6 hours before, the dr doing the procedure said 8 and almost wouldn’t do it. Fortunately they had cancellations so we could wait around a bit and still get it done. Based on that experience, I would err on the side of drinking but not eating the morning of.
bluebonnetanon
Even if you don’t normally until 10 or 11, I would probably go buy a protein shake or something easy and plan to get up at 6:30 and gulp it down. You can go back to sleep after but I think it will make your day easier.
bluebonnetanon
normally eat*
DC Pandas
Good morning, does anyone have any personal experience working with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (ATF)?
I have a tentative job offer, so I am trying to get a better feel for fit/culture- thank you!
Anon
Does anyone work in ESG? I would love to hear about your career path!
Ribena
I do. I work for a bank, putting together sector targets for our financed emissions towards Net Zero Banking Alliance targets. I got into it through institutional investing/ asset ownership and stewardship.
Tips for travelling carry on only?
Please share all your tips/tricks/strategies/ websites for travelling carry on only.
We are travelling internationally for the first time in three years and I feel like I’ve forgotten how to gauge what I will need. It will be a week long vacation to cold-ish weather (Netherlands), and we will be able to do laundry. Mostly doing museums/botanical gardens/parks; lots of walking, and nothing fancy, but also want to feel somewhat put together. Also will be travelling with three kids. I think my Husband will check a bag so there is a bit of wiggle room.
I love reading people’s packing lists, so if you feel like sharing, I’d love to see!
Anon
Roll your clothes and use packing cubes to maximize space. Wear layers on the plane, especially because you’ll have laundry available.
Bette
Oooh fun! We did this last fall with 2 adults + 1 baby and it was totally manageable with just carry-ons. Lots of good tips already posted here, but I would just add to prioritize stuff that will dry quickly, as we had to rely on line drying in every place we stayed. Bring minimal toiletries and plan to buy stuff there if needed (we bought lots of European diapers and snack pouches!) Fashion wise I made sure that I had a few pairs of really really good shoes that were super comfortable but also looked decent (for me that time of year it ended up being grey wool Allbirds and black leather Chelsea boots). Focused on basics like black turtleneck, leather jacket, etc. I relied heavily on silk scarves, jewelry and makeup for the moments when I wanted to dress up.
For us it worked really well to use hiking backpacks instead of rolling suitcases, an intentional choice because of all the cobblestones at some of our destinations. The larger ones can fit a ton of stuff and you can buckle/strap extra things on the outside like neck pillows, umbrellas, etc.
Bette
Just found my packing list – my wardrobe portion boiled down to:
– 6 tops in mostly neutral colors
– 1 pair black jeans, 1 pair colored pants, 1 pair cozy joggers
– black leather jacket, packable raincoat, large blanket scarf
– 4 pairs wool socks
– wool Allbirds, black leather Chelsea boots
– 2 silk scarves, 2 pairs earrings/necklaces
– 1 pair pajamas
I packed some other stuff like a knit blazer and a skirt that I could have skipped in hindsight.
Curious
Oh the Netherlands is easy because the weather is so consistent. What time of year? Most of the time two pairs of jeans, seven shirts in a mix of sleeve lengths, a cardigan, a cotton scarf, and a rain coat is plenty. One pair of sneakers, one pair of boots worn on the plane.
Curious
*plenty for a week.
** I lived in Rotterdam for a year about a decade ago on a student budget.
OP
oh thanks! It would be the second week of April.
Curious
Yes, so more long sleeves than short! Bette’s list looks almost exactly the same as mine, except she swapped a leather jacket and blanket scarf in for the cardigan (more chic! still warm!) and remembered joggers for working out/ PJs. So I think we’re onto something. I actually considered saying leather jacket, but my pleather jacket doesn’t fit under my rain coat. That’s the main consideration. And yes, you can buy most toiletries there; just know shops tend to close around 6 except in busy areas.
Anon
I exclusively pack in carryons. I don’t have any tips, but I am naturally a light packer (so I’ve never needed packing cubes or anything). In 2019 I took a 10 long trip to Central Europe in November, so it feels like similar to what you’re preparing for.
I don’t remember everything I packed but if I had to guess:
– 2-3 pairs of jeans. I don’t remember if I brought a third pair or not.
– 3-4 undershirts. Some were just plain white Ts, at least 1 was a long sleeve thermal.
– 3 sweaters and 1 long sleeve blouse.
– WARM socks. 1 real bra, 1 bralette, underwear.
– Wool coat, hat, gloves, scarf
– Chelsea boots, ideally water resistant ones.
– Leggings and long sleeve T for hanging out in the hotel and being cozy.
– PJs
– Leggings, sports bra, workout top, running shoes. I actually had injured myself so didn’t end up running at all.
– Very basic makeup and skincare (which, TBH I mostly just wear basic makeup)
– 1 pair of earrings (which is the only jewelry I change up, keep my necklace, rings, and watch the same).
– Sunglasses, purse, water bottle, carry on tote bag with things like medicine, toiletries, iPad, headphones, magazine, snacks.
– Bathing suit to go to baths in Hungary.
This all fit easily into a rolling carryon and a tote bag. I only bring personal items that fully zipper, that way I don’t worry about losing anything on the flight.
We were on a similar trip, a TON of walking around the cities, going to museums and restaurants, lots of time outside, and no need for something fancy but I like fashion and like looking good.
– I just re-wore the same jeans and sweaters, so make sure they all go together. Wearing undershirts under the sweater was nice for layering for warmth but also to keep the sweaters clean to be re-worn.
– Having laundry, you could bring even less, but you probably don’t want to for variety’s sake! Up to you though.
– Traveling in the cold, I chose to bring my more fashionable wool coat as opposed to a parka or less fashionable wool coat. I am wearing a coat in like 75% of photos, so that was a good choice!
– Wear your bulkiest clothes and shoes on the plane: boots, the bulkiest sweater, the winter coat.
– Make sure you can comfortably wear all of the sweaters you bring under your coat!
– I didn’t bring a rain jacket on this trip as it wouldn’t have been warm enough but YMMV. We did get some drizzling but nothing too bad.
Anonymous
Seems like a gap if you need to go out anywhere semi-nice since all you’ll have are jeans and leggings. Maybe swap out a pair of jeans with a pair black pants.
Anon
Someone with kids likely isn’t going anywhere you can’t wear jeans.
Cat
Can your kids handle their own luggage or no?
Given your circumstances I would carry on essentials for the first two days and check 2 large bags, each having half your total family’s clothes in them.
Shoes are always bulky so I’d try to get away with two pairs per person including the one worn on the plane. I do know people who can get away with one pair for a week but my feet do NOT. They sweat, shoes need airing, and my feet prefer variety for long days of walking.
I suggest choosing coats that are reasonably practical but that you also like for pics since those will be like 75% of your pictures.
NYCer
I was going to write this exact response re carrying on vs. checking. If your husband is already planning to check, you will be waiting at baggage claim anyways.
Anon
I travel a lot and haven’t checked a bag in years. For a week in a cool climate I typically pack 1-2 pairs of jeans, 2-3 undershirts, 7 underwear/socks, 7 sweaters, toiletries. Wear on plane leggings, sweater, socks, sneakers, fleece jacket.
For family travel, each person has their own carry on and a backpack. This actually makes it a bit easier because kids’ clothes don’t take much space so I can usually steal some space from a kid carry on if needed. My kids can manage their own luggage.
Seafinch
I do one colour scheme, lots of knit, crepe ( like Eileen Fisher) and Lululemon 7/8 pants. Roll everything, layers. Leather shoe that can be walked in but also restaurant appropriate. Trench length jacket, substantial scarf.
Anonymous Canadian
The website/FB page “Travel Fashion Girl” has a lot of good ideas! You can totally do carryon if the kids are big enough to pull their own bags and maybe even if not… So much fun!
Anon
Shirts with fake collars look very frumpy to me, and I can’t imagine spending almost 500 bucks on one!
Anon
Anyone been to Iceland in early May? It looks like the weather is extremely variable in early spring, and I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been there then. Was hiking doable, or was it too cold? Anything I shouldn’t miss (Blue Lagoon is already on the agenda!)?
Anon
I have a group of friends who went in early November and did some hiking. I had a work conflict and couldn’t go with them, so I don’t know a ton of details but if they hiked in November I’m sure May is fine too.
Anonymous
I did mid-late May and hiking was totally doable. I’d suggest bringing cold weather gear (hat, neck gaiter, gloves, long underwear, various laying options), plus waterproof jacket, waterproof rain pants, and hiking boots. With that setup, you should be fine. To clarify, I didn’t experience rain the entire time but was glad to have prepared for it so when it happened, I didn’t have to change plans dramatically. And I loved the Blue Lagoon! Enjoy!
Anonymous
Thanks!
Anone
talk to me about making a pitcher of drinks, I’ve never done this well and were having friends over for take out dinner Friday
Doesnt have to fit a theme, just tell me what drinks keep well, are strong, and require no effort once they arrive.
PolyD
I’d recommend looking up recipes. Sangria is a good bulk drink. For things like manhattans and drinks that are all liquor, you have to add water to make up for the loss of dilution when you stir a single serving with ice to chill. Recipes will account for this.
I guess margaritas are often made in batches, but I don’t really ,Ike those so have no advice. I’ve had batched Negronis that were good.
If you are making something that uses carbonation, stir everything together and then add the carbonated part when serving – the bubbles will go flat if you stir.
Anon
Sangria!
shanananana
I would go to liquor dot com and search punch recipes. Punch is just a fancy word for pitcher – when you try to scale up a drink to batch size the proportions can change so I usually rely on recipes that are already batched for a crowd. Then just look for one that sounds appealing to you!
little baker mouse
Sangria is easy, lots of different variations. This time of year I like a red wine based sangria with citrus.
Negronis can be made in batches and chilled, and don’t suffer.
Margaritas.
Old Fashioned.
Martinis.
For drinks like the Old Fashioned or the Negroni, I’d batch and then let guests dilute (or add ice) to taste. Garnishes, if you want to offer them, can be set out on a table or counter, and guests can help themselves.
Anonymous
I just heard about freezer door cocktails but haven’t tried. Maybe good for you?
https://www.bhg.com/freezer-door-cocktails-6889434
Anon
Banana dacquaris. Blender drink.
brokentoe
In honor of Pi(e) Day tomorrow, please share your favorite pie recipes – I need inspiration!
anonshmanon
I am making a vegetarian take on New Zealand meat and cheese pie, with a filling using faux meat, mushrooms, rutabaga (a mild tasting, starchy turnip – could swap potato cubes), lots of spices, onion, garlic, carrot, spring onions, and stout beer. I loved the flavor of the filling. I tried a test batch on the weekend using crescent dough from the refrigerated aisle, but the dough was too sweet for my liking. Also is came in triangles which were too small to stuff a generous piece of cheddar in with the filling. Will end up making my own pastry crust tonight, since we take pi day seriously around here.
Anon
Tollhouse cookie pie
anon
The Pioneer Woman’s chocolate pie is divine.
Anonymous
I’m making Claire saffitz’s blueberry pie (she as a y ou tube video demonstrating it too!) and am super excited. we LOVE pie in this house and I only make the time to make pie dough 1-2x a year and today’s one of those days!!
Anon
We are making an apple pie and I also got moon pies for my son’s math class!
Anon
Thank you sharing this! I will celebrate too with a savory pie….
Anon
Recommendations or pitfalls regarding an 80% schedule at a law firm? I work at a midsize firm in a major city. I think several other people have part-time arrangements, but I don’t want to ask around too much before I officially ask about it. The goal would be to not need to work until 8/9 pm every night to make hours, since I have toddler and check out for a few hours every evening for bedtime. Bonus if I can take an occasional afternoon off to hang with my kid.
NYCer
I love my reduced big law schedule (70%). However, I work in T&E, so there are very, very few emergencies, and it is easy to stick to my schedule. I am not sure that would be the same in all practice areas.
Anonymous
Firm dependent, but there is a good chance you’ll work about the same for less money and with less job security.
Anon
The obvious downside is taking the 20% pay cut but working 100% hours. Some firms pay more if you exceed the lower target, which eliminates this risk.
Cat
Doesn’t usually work for day-to-day schedule flexibility, but gives you more permission to have a light month after a heavy one.
Anonymous
I did it in my BigLaw firm for 6 years until I made partner. It was a lifesaver for me. It gave me the ability to turn down work, but I still was staffed on high-level cases and got to do really great work. I used it as a cap on total hours, not a cap on weekly or monthly hours, so there were months when I billed 250 hours (like when I was on trial) and months when I billed very few. I think you should definitely ask around about it – this is so firm-dependent. At my firm, it was amazing.
Liza
Can you just go ahead work less and not ask/tell anyone? I’m not seeing you say that you actually need to work til 9 pm to deliver on work deadlines, so what actually happens if you don’t “make your hours”? I worked in BigLaw for years and never met the target hours. No one ever said anything to me about it, let alone did I experience any actual consequences.
Anon
You were lucky. If you don’t make hours, you won’t get a bonus and it’s possible you won’t get advanced to the next year. It’s not a big deal if it happens once but it’s not something I’d want to do over and over again.
Anonymous
What would you do here? I ordered from Sephora a few weeks ago. The package was taking a long time to arrive so I checked and it said it had been delivered 2/28 at my mailbox, but I never saw it and usually if it goes to the neighbors by mistake they bring it by before the week is out. Anyway I contacted Sephora and they sent me another box. The first box says “returned and refunded” in my account.
Now of course the other box turned up so I have two of everything. They were weird colors too, of the $130 I’d probably only keep $65 or so of the stuff otherwise. I’m thinking maybe I can keep the entire first box, pay for the $65 I would keep of the second box and then return the rest?
Anonymous
Call them and ask what to do. They probably wrote off the first box but your conscience will be clear.
Cat
This has happened to me with a few retailers. I contacted customer service. In each case they said feel free to keep it but thank you for asking.
Anon
Same experience, but I feel better for asking.
Cat
Oh me too. Also, if it happens another time with the same retailer, I have no clue if they keep a record of such outreach or not – but I didn’t want to have reputation as possible liar about missing packages on my record!
Anon
+1
Then give away the stuff you don’t want. Don’t throw it away!
Anonymous
Question: if you work from home, how much do you need your printer? My printer refuses to acknowledge the 3rd party ink I bought for it (I had Costco refill old cartridges); it has refused to print anything for months. I still used it for scanning, and just sent things to my husband’s very fickle printer upstairs where it Fs up and doesn’t print my stuff about 50% of the time. Now my printer won’t scan either. Trying to decide if I should get a new cheap printer or just use my husband’s. (Ready to dropkick my old one, definitely not buying any more damn ink for that.)
Anon
I don’t own a printer. So not at all, lol.
anon
I tried going without a printer for awhile and it was a PITA. So I guess I use it more than I thought I did, lol.
Anon
Is husband’s printer personal or work?
both of us mostly work from home, and just use our personal printer when needed (rarely). I typically just print to PDF and only actually print on paper when I need to do really thorough proofreading or actually mail something.
Anon
Continuing…
One thing I recently discovered is that Office Max/Depot will let you send something to them via email and charge you like 10 cents a page. If you only rarely need to print and have one near you (and husband’s printer is not the solution), it could be a good alternative.
Anon
I don’t print much, but when I need a printer, I really need a printer, so I wouldn’t want to go without one (also WFH, so no access to a work printer). But one per household seems like enough. In the last 20 years, I’ve owned two printers, both low end laser printers ($100-150). I think I’ve only had to replace the toner once or twice? I’d definitely recommend laser printers over ink jet.
Anonymous
Will depend on your work. That’s like asking how often you use a computer. A construction worker will say almost never while an accountant will say every day.
I use mine mainly for personal stuff, like printing return shipping labels. But every few months I end up needing it for things like printing the transcript of a call so I can highlight points I want to come back to (I interview people occasionally as part of my job and scrolling for this sort of thing doesn’t work well if it’s a lengthy call), marking up PDFs where permissions don’t let me edit or comment, printing and signing docs that I can’t electronically sign when forms aren’t set up to be editable. I use scanning way more often.
Printers are cheep these days. I look at it like the price of admission for working from home.
Cat
I’m hybrid so save up my printing for the office, but now that I have access to those multi-function geniuses again, I am loving being able to read hard copy documents again. Aside from the sheer joy of being able to flip back and forth to compare two sections without having to scroll for days, my eyes LOVE the break from the screen.
Anon8
Brother laser printer is the GOAT. No ink, and the toner lasts forever and doesn’t dry out. Mine is black and white only and I love it so much (I have never loved a printer before).
Anon
+1
If you have to have a printer, this is the printer to have.
I have never owned a printer and do all of my printing in the office (4 days in office, 1 day WFH) but my parents have this printer and it is great!!! The laser toner is such a better solution than ink and it’s the only home printer I’ve ever been able to easily send things to print from my phone via bluetooth. It’s affordable too. The downside is it’s only black and white (I believe all laser toner printers are?).
Anonymous
+2
We purchased one of these during the lockdown and it’s been a workhorse ever since. The ability to send documents to the printer over wifi is amazing.
On your comment about your current printer no longer working after you replaced the ink: check out the Planet Money episode “Why Printers Are the Worst”. Fascinating stuff!
Anon
Well, before doing anything else, I would scour the internet for all the ways to beat the blocks for using 3rd party ink for your brand/model of printer. There’s always a way. Every printer I have owned I have worked around the block and used Costco refills. If you don’t want to bother with that (!), then I would just buy new name brand ink for your printer! Don’t buy a new printer! What a waste of money.
anon
How much do you all spend on office shoes? My feet get cranky easily and especially hate synthetics when the weather gets warm, but I’m having sticker shock on what all-leather loafers cost. Like I’ll drop $150 on a pair of leather boots or running shoes without much thought, but other shoes are harder. Probably because they aren’t very fun to buy.
Cat
the most I’ve spent is $500 (Ferragamo heels), but around $150 (sale price; shoes originally priced around $250-$300) is my usual price point.
Anonymous
My best shoes are office shoes, and my office shoes are the best part of my work wardrobe by far (boring outfit + interesting shoes is my uniform). Interesting that others have a different perspective. But I guess the reality is that for many years, I spent most of my time at work and didn’t have much of a social life, so that probably colored things for me. Now it is (thankfully) the opposite, and I have been investing in my off-hours wardrobe much more heavily. All that said, I think you should buy a couple of pairs of office shoes you really like since you are spending a fair amount of time in them. I’ve spent less than $150 on most shoes I have, though, more like $70-130, generally by buying them on sale or secondary-sale sites (like Amazon or Nordstrom Rack or Saks Off FIfth).
Lily
I’d spend a good amount because if you keep them at work, they won’t get worn out and will last you a long time (assuming you buy a classic shoe and nothing trendy), unlike running shoes which you have to replace fairly often. And if you have foot issues, even more of a reason to spend on something you’ll be wearing for 8 hours a day!
Also, can you wear no-show socks to mitigate the synthetic shoe issue?
Anon
Nothing mitigates the synthetic shoe issue for me. I find leather shoes to be a better fit, better temperature regulating and odor avoidant, and not just leather uppers, but also leather insoles and linings are key.
Liza
The pair I am wearing today, i got for $2 thrifted. They are not all-leather, lol.
pugsnbourbon
I have very few office shoes and bargain shop – usually 6pm dot com. I’ll spend $100 or so on black boots, which I wear daily when it’s cold, and do my best to wear them into the ground. Two flats (black or gray) for other seasons – around $40-$75 a pair. Any fun shoes need to be on super-clearance, like the $20 gray faux snakeskin booties that are surprisingly versatile.
Anon
Almost all of my office shoes are also things I wear outside of the office.
I rarely spend more than $80 on a pair of shoes, but did splurge for a $200 pair of Chelsea boots that are regularly worn to the office and on the weekends.
Other staples in my office shoe collection include pleather horse bit mules (TJ Maxx), clogs (Target), and the Caroleigh Anya sandals in black. I don’t really wear flats, but I did buy a pair of Rothys a few years ago. I also wear some Clarks heels pretty often too.
Emily
Is it possible for two people who are completely different to find love with each other, or do they need to have shared interests and values to make it work?
Anon
Shared interests? No
Shared values? Yes
Especially if you want to have kids….
Anon
Interests…nope
Values….absolutely
Married 25y.
Anon
I still have not received my 2021 tax refund. IRS refund status check acknowledges that it has it and that it’s late but nothing else. I haven’t gotten any letters from them. I don’t have anything fancy going on with this tax return. It’s a substantial sum of money. Does anyone have suggestions on what to do here?
anonamouse
contact one of your Senators! The state offices will have constituent casework teams who can help you work with federal agencies to get things like this resolved. The more senior senator may have a more experienced casework team, but either one should be able to help you with a missing tax return issue.
Anon
Is there any advantage in appearing in small claims court in person? I am suing my ex-landlord for the return of my deposit. The in-person hearing is scheduled such that I will have a two to five week old newborn at that time. I am thinking about asking the judge for a remote hearing, but I am concerned that somehow this may reflect poorly on me. WWYD?