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Ooh la la — I love this teal and black tote bag from Pour la Victoire. The deep colors and zipper/croc details are all right up my alley. This is also available in a butter yellow (limited stock), which is less up my alley, but may be up yours. The bag was $395 but is now marked to $206 at Last Call. Pour la Victoire Yves Crocodile Embossed Leather Tote Bag
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
Oooh, I love this bag.
TXLawyer
She might just be a complainer by nature? I’m not sure that there is a way to get someone inclined to being high-stress to chill out other than to delegate the lower priority matters to her.
Unicorn
I like the color and shape of this, but for a bag at an MSRP of $395, they can’t put feet on it?!
Sorry for the immediate TJ – I’m kind of desperate! There is a man who works down the hall from me who constantly clears his throat. About once a minute (yes, I timed it). It can be heard to the end of the hallway, which I am halfway down, so a lot of people can hear it. This has been going on for quite some time. It’s very distracting to me and I have to refocus every time I hear this noise. I readily acknowledge that I am more sensitive to annoying noises than some folks, but I can’t be the only one who is bothered by this (how does his secretary, 10 feet away, deal with that?!). Would it be reasonable for someone to say something to him? If so, whom (HR?) and what? Would such a noise bother YOU? Advice would be super appreciated!
Wildkitten
Bose noise cancelling headphones.
Anonymous
I doubt there’s much he can do. If it’s acid reflux or postnasal drip (common causes of throat clearing), he’s doing this to avoid feeling like he’s drowning. And he knows he’s doing it. Agree with noise canceling headphones.
Anon in NYC
+1. I work with a guy who has a disgusting hacking cough that makes me want to throw up. I say nothing. Shut your door, get noise canceling headphones, etc.
S in Chicago
What exactly would you want HR to do? They may have already tried to address it. A lot of medical issues can cause this (and some mental) without being able to be fixed. I’ve worked with two different people who did this (one was a sinus issue and the other a nervous tick). Both were miserable and going through a ton of different medicines, etc. to fix. I’ve been there, and it is annoying as all heck. But realistically, it isn’t likely to change. I found an online white noise generating website and it helped immensely.And yes, it doesn’t seem fair to have to make someone else’s issue cause you to adjust your own comfort, but it’s the most practical way to muddle through when you don’t have the power to move where you sit. Can HR move you?
S in Chicago
This was what I used: http://simplynoise.com/ It was nice because you didn’t have to load anything on to your computer.
Parfait
I like simplynoise a lot but I like Noisli.com even more. You can combine different sounds until you find a combination you like. The one that entertains me most is Coffee Shop + Bonfire. You have to imagine the screaming patrons in the burning building yourself alas.
anonsg
I like rainymood and coffitivity.
JJ
I don’t think there’s anything you can do about this. A lot of medications can also cause an itchy throat or make people clear their throats a lot. Agree with headphones or white noise in your office to attempt to drown it out.
Carrie
Rough, I know. But I agree with others…. Wear headphones. Do not complain as this is likely medically related or even worse – a tic they cannot control or Tourette’s and it is already something they are anxious about. It also makes you sound too sensitive, even though I do sympathize.
Medic Maggie
reposted from the morning thread, for more traffic…
Does anyone know if a shoe-repair person would be able to essentially “tailor” a pair of tall boots? I have a pair with a full zipper, and I am hoping that they can be taken in for a smaller calf circumference. I’ve never needed such a service, and so I don’t know if this is even possible, or if I need to start looking for new tall boots.
lucy stone
There’s a chance they could! I’d ask and see what it would cost/if it’s possible, and if it isn’t good, begin the hunt.
Susie
If they are zippered then I think it might be possible. Not sure how much it would cost though.
Pest
Yes, they should be able to do this. I once had a cobbler put in additional leather in the shaft of a pair of boots to expand the circumference.
kellyandthen
I had this done years ago by an old school cobbler in a very nice ($$$) town–I expected the price to be WAY worse. It was about $50 total for the pair, and the boots came back looking great.
Of course, I doubt I could get that price now again if I tried, and wouldn’t you know my calves now need wider circumferences and those boots had to go :(
In related questions, I need a zipper replaced on one tall leather boot in DC. Dog decided the zipper was delicious…any reccomendations? I have an email into the repair shop in DuPont, but anywhere else I should look?
Duchess
I’ve recommended them before, and not DC proper, but I LOVE Old Town Shoe and Luggage Repair in Alexandria. They’ve replaced soles on one pair of my boots and fixed this decorative thing that broke on another pair. Both fixes were under $30 and I’ve had no problems with either pair since getting them fixed. I’ve also had boots and flats just cleaned up after months of use, but I think that was pretty basic stuff that could have been done just about anywhere. Really cannot recommend them strongly enough.
Anon
Corrective Shoe Repair in Dupont is the best.
CountC
Yes, they should be able to do this. Taking them in is much easier than letting them out, although that can be done as well. I have had this done to my (actual) riding boots, so I see no reason they can’t do it for fashion riding boots! You don’t want to know how much it cost me for my boots however . . .
Flight Searches - Need Help
Hi all. I am one of those rare people that really dislikes traveling. As such, I know nothing about the best times to try to buy airline tickets. However, I have to travel (from Boston) to San Francisco around October 10-19 to help take care of a sick family member going through chemo. I’ve been searching kayak dot com for the last few days, and it alternates between telling me to buy and wait. Am I crazy for thinking it’s possible to get a flight (one stop is ok) for under $500 with decently timed flights? Because it seems impossible right now.
Anonymous
Yeah you’re crazy, sorry, that’s just not what flights cost. This close to travel and with specific dates I’d just buy now.
AIMS
That’s really silly. I buy last minute tickets about 2-3 weeks out all the time and I actually tend to get great deals. That said, OP – if you’re seeing something you’re comfortable paying, buy it.
Bonnie
There are flight now for as low as $310. If you are flexible with your dates at all, you can do a search for +/- 3 days. You may also get a cheaper flight if you’re willing to fly from and return to different airports.
Anon
It will help if you can be a little flexible with your dates. Fridays are expensive to fly on. Try looking at departing on Thursday. Decent times are more expensive too sometimes. I like to use Priceline and Southwest and compare what is available. Under 500 might be hard but not impossible.
Gail the Goldfish
Two weeks from the flight date with a transcontinental flight, probably quite difficult. Flights have been annoyingly expensive lately. Hipmunk, which is the flight search engine I usually use, found one under $500, and that involved the redeye back. Farecast/Bing isn’t predicting the fare for some reason, but it had similar options. Note some flight search sites (expedia, I think?) don’t include fares for Southwest, so check that separately.
Blonde Lawyer
It can be done! Some days are cheaper than others to fly. Same with time of day and layovers. Try moving your dates a little on either side. For example, flying out of Ft. Myers, Tuesday is always dramatically cheaper than Monday. Every location is different. If I have time later, I’ll run some searches for you. Also, try using another computer. It could just be urban legend but if the website knows you need certain dates, the prices might just keep going up instead of down. Also, try the actual airline websites. It is better to book through them if the price difference is small. Way easier to deal w/ if there are travel interruptions.
Flight Searches - Need Help
The websites are definitely trolling me. I will clear cache a few times. Thanks!
Unicorn
I think you’re optimistic, but not crazy. Lots of sources say to “Buy your ticket on Wednesday at 1 am, just one hour after Tuesday midnight.” http://lifehacker.com/the-best-time-and-time-of-day-to-book-airline-tickets-1507704370. Unfortunately for you, waiting til next Wednesday would put you in the 14-day window for flying out on the 10th. I would buy at the lowest price you see in the next 48 hours. Good luck.
Anon
Kayak doesn’t search ALL the airlines – some airlines won’t let other sites advertise their fares. Go to the airport website, get a list of who is there, and visit their individual sites to see the best deals.
Flight Searches - Need Help
Thanks all. I am somewhat flexible with dates but this has been a pretty sudden thing so I guess I’ll just have to bite the bullet and pick something. The idea of a red eye back sounds horrible to this 33 year old, but it can be done, and a super early morning flight will require a $50 cab ride, which is why I was hoping for a decent time. Anyway, thanks.
SH
But an early morning flight from Boston means a pretty full day in California. Personally, I prefer flying out early from the East Coast, sleeping for a few hours on the flight, and landing mid-morning for a full day on the West coast. Then it doesn’t feel like I’ve been traveling all.day.
Becky
If you don’t mind not having an assigned seat, Southwest flies between those airports and looks cheaper than anything on Kayak. Still around $650 though.
editrix
Clear your web browser cache before you try Kayak again, and try looking for fares late at night, like 11. Once you visit, later results may be affected. I also often find better deals with the SkySkanner iPhone app.
Ginjury
A quick look on Kayak shows a $422 flight leaving 10/09, coming back 10/18 and they get cheaper if you push your return to Monday or Tuesday. It looks like anything with a return on Sunday is going to be at least $200 more than any other day. Flights on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday are generally cheapest.
Flight Searches - Need Help
I swear they are cheaper now than one freaking hour ago. Gah. Thanks.
abogada
Your departure date is the Friday of a holiday weekend, which often means increased travel, so that may also be raising rates a bit.
Flower
There is a large tech conference happening in San Francisco that week. Hotels are substantially higher than normal, and I wouldn’t be surprised if flights were a little higher as well.
anonsg
Flights go on sale on Tuesdays. Prices are much higher if you are buying to fly within 14 days of the day you are buying, which means you have to buy more than 14 days before you fly.
You can also use google flights if you want to do a quick calendar view and see all the prices. They don’t include Southwest.
If you have rewards points with any credit card companies, you may be able to use those points to buy airplane tickets, so check those. You may have to do a combo (points + cash).
Airfare also changes when the “cheap” tickets are sold out. So if you go directly to the airline’s website, they will usually tell you if there are only a few seats left at a certain price – and once those are gone, the price goes up. You’ll find this happens a lot on Tuesdays, when they have a handful of tickets that are at the cheaper rate, but once they are gone, the prices go back up. Flights also tend to be cheaper if you fly on Tuesdays or Saturdays (except around the holidays, or if it’s getting close to the dates you want to fly).
Good luck!
babies
a friend of mine has a very tough decision to make. he’s been in a relationship for a pretty brief period of time (less than a year), and is head over heels for his significant other. lo and behold, she is pregnant (PSA for birth control, ya’ll). surprisingly to me, they are thinking about having it.
anyone have any good resources (specifically, online) for someone trying to decide whether or not to go through with an unplanned pregnancy? i’m thinking a list of the most important issues to discuss with your SO, etc.
Anon
Can I ask you why you think it is your place to research this issue and presumably provide him with a list of questions?
babies
because he is my best friend and specifically asked for advice. which i have not yet given, because i know it is not my place to decide.
Anon
That’s a great answer :)
I don’t have any resources, I’m sorry. I think a lot of the questions are probably speculative (would we have stayed together anyway if this didn’t happen? do you think we are headed towards marriage regardless of the pregnancy? if we terminate, will we regret it if we later marry? if we dont? etc).
It can be done
My friend got a one night stand pregnant. He wasn’t even sure he was the dad. He married her. They have two beautiful kids, a white picket fence, a dog and are just living the smug married life. Not all of these situations turn into the Maury Povich show. If he was smitten before, she could be “the one” and things just got sped up. For what its worth, I thought my friend was crazy at the time but he is the happiest person I know now.
ETA: it is now 6 years later.
Unicorn
“a friend of mine has a very tough decision to make.”
No. The woman he impregnated has a tough decision to make.
so anon
I guess his decision is whether or not to propose? A lot of guys I know get all traditional once the birth control fails.
Also: how to add a child to his insurance once born and getting life insurance to make sure child’s expenses will be paid if something unfortunately happened to him.
Anonymous
Well that’s not really an issue at all. You call HR and let them know you’re adding a kid and how does that work, and call an insurance agent and get a quote.
Anon
Oh, dear…..
Ginjury
Or maybe people who are in a serious relationship and a situation like this actually do make a decision together. Yes, ultimately it’s his girlfriend’s choice, but that doesn’t negate the fact that he should have some input on the decision as well.
pls
Amen and amen. That attitude (that it’s no big deal for the man) drives me crazy. Clearly, it affects her more, but he has a child in there.
Anon
I don’t think the implication here was that “it’s no big deal for the man”. Re: Having the baby (or not) rests solely on the decision the woman makes just based on biology. Yes of course the guy has input but if they are not on the same page (and this does happen), whatever she decides is what will end up happening.
southern anon
Gag. I really hate it when people refer to a pregnant woman as a location. He doesn’t have a child “in there.” There’s a “child” in HER.
Anecdata
I know someone who terminated an accidental pregnancy that she was okay keeping because the father really wanted it terminated and she felt that no one, man or woman, should be forced to be a parent.
Plenty of women will let the father’s feelings impact their decision. You are correct that legally, he can’t stop her from terminating or force her to terminate but which road she goes down may very much depend on what he wants.
Wildkitten
But why is it the man’s friend’s business to tell the girlfriend what to do? That jump is what I don’t like.
Ginjury
Agreed. I’d take that as a big sign that I need an abortion if my bf was reaching out to other friends for advice about such a personal issue. I also think the OP is a little judgy of the situation since most would agree that dating for almost a year is a significant amount of time and generally long enough to make serious decisions together.
Anon
I don’t think OP is judgy at all. I’ve had serious 1-year relationships and more casual ones. The man is asking a friend, the same way the woman is likely consulting someone. If it were me, I’d be talking to my two sisters and best friend without question. In this case it just so happens OP is a friend of the opposite $ex. Sheesh. Judgement all around today, it seems.
Anon
The comment about surprisingly and the birth control psa were a little on the judgy side.
Anon
Why is it surprising that someone is in love with his significant other and wants to have the baby she is pregnant with? Is this person 16? Unplanned pregnancies happen all the time.
Anonymous
Yeah, this was my take too. Why is it surprising that they are thinking about keeping it? They are together, in love, and presumably adults. Although he is your best friend, I find it a little odd that you seem so invested in this situation and so judgmental of a potential decision to keep it. If my best friend told me she was unexpectedly pregnant, I’d be supportive no matter what she wanted to do, unless I thought she couldn’t emotionally or financially provide for the baby and it doesn’t sound like that is the case at all.
Anonymous
Doesn’t sound like a tough decision for him to me. A) he doesn’t have to decide, she does. B) by less than a year I’m reading almost a year , or you would have said less than 6 months. They’re in a great relationship. What’s so tough about a baby?
anon
“What’s so tough about a baby?”
Lol, really?
Anonymous
Yeah. Really. They happen all the time. To people with no health insurance, no education, no savings. Sometimes there’s even no place at the inn so they give birth in stables. It’s fine.
cbackson
Try googling “financial impact of unplanned pregnancy” when you have some spare time.
anon
The fact that babies “happen” (?) all the time, to people in good and bad situations, doesn’t mean it’s not tough. Critical thinking much? Maybe put the Bible down?
Don’t know about what standards you have in place for your quality of life and your children’s but I don’t think having a baby with no education and no health insurance for me or my child would be “fine.”
Anon
For real. A friend’s sister just gave birth to her third unplanned child. She’s not yet 20 years old. It’s not good.
Avril
No specific resources to recommend. However I suggest that they consider the following questions (individually and as a couple): if it wasn’t for the pregnancy, would we still want to be together long-term? I’m assuming they would be getting married at some point so: finances(income, debt levels, retirement savings etc), housekeeping–split of housework, childcare etc. Based on the conversations on this site, this is an issue worth discussing early on. Career ambitions: those also get affected when a kid is involved, I think the girlfriend especially really needs to think this through given that this is something out of the blue. I agree with Unicorn, she has a difficult decision to make.
For your friend I would say as much as he is smitten to proceed with caution, things may very well turn out great. But it could also end in a split which is complicated when you have a child together or resentment from one or both parties, I have guy friends where this was the outcome stemming from similar situations. A kid can change the dynamics of a relationship and sometimes it doesn’t quite bounce back.
Anon
If a guy I was in a great relationship with had to ask his friend to help him decide if he should abandon the baby or ask me to have an abortion, we would not be a in a great relationship anymore.
Parfait
Wow, really? (A) where’d you get the impression that those are the choices he was mulling? (B) you don’t talk over your hard life choices with your friends?
Anon
Thank you, Parfait. I have a comment in moderation saying the same thing. If anyone on here could make that decision without consulting someone else (I’d be sounding my decision off my sister or best friend) you’re a much stronger person than me.
Anon
a) She specifically asked “anyone have any good resources (specifically, online) for someone trying to decide whether or not to go through with an unplanned pregnancy?” He’s deciding to go through with it or not. The “or not” means saying ” Please abort this” or “Sorry, I don’t want to be a father. Have a nice life.” There’s no way you can refuse to be a father to the baby and still expect to be romantically involved with the mother, unless you’re a sociopath. Maybe I’m missing something here.
b) of course I do, but to me, a great relationship involves being supportive of the decision that ultimately the person who is pregnant has to make.
Parfait
He’s also considering going through with it. And I assume his partner is also wrestling with her own decision. It’s not a question of “should I be horrible in this way, or horrible in this other way?”
And there IS a way you can refuse to be a father to a baby and still remain involved with its mother: If she ALSO agrees that abortion is the path she wants to choose.
Blonde Lawyer
I’m firmly pro-choice but why is it that you feel a man can’t suggest to a woman that she have an abortion? I think you can be in a great relationship and not want kids. You shouldn’t apply undue coercion or threaten them of course but I think a guy is well within his rights to say “I don’t think I’m ready, can we consider terminating?”
Anon
He can suggest it, but unless I have already said that I’m leaning towards one, it would really sour my view on the relationship. Personal preference.
Anastasia
I don’t think it’s surprising at all that they would think about keeping the child, especially if it’s a happy relationship to begin with. If they’re adults with the means to reasonably support a child, why not keep it? I’m not anti-choice, I just can’t imagine a situation in my adult life (meaning, basically any time I was s3xually active, anyway) where I would have even entertained the idea of terminating a healthy pregnancy, especially one resulting from a serious relationship. If that’s on the table, there must be some mitigating circumstances.
I do think marriage is a separate question, though. You can be a good parent without being married to your child’s other parent, and you don’t necessarily need to make that decision before the baby’s born. My SIL didn’t marry her daughter’s father until daughter was 4 or 5… people are much less judgey about that these days, at least in my experience. I often remember a guy I briefly crossed paths with. His girlfriend fell pregnant, he proposed and was so excited to be a dad. Sadly, she miscarried about a month later. I lost touch with him very shortly after, and I’ve always wondered if they still got married. It seems like it would be so awkward to say “hey, now that we’re not having a baby this year, I don’t think I really want to marry you anymore.”
Ginjury
This is a really personal choice and there are plenty of reasons they may want to terminate the pregnancy. Maybe they’re not ready to make a 20+ year commitment to one another, maybe they’re don’t want children, maybe they don’t feel financially/emotionally/etc. ready for a child.
Anastasia
Yes, those would be the mitigating circumstances, and those are exactly the sort of thing I hope the couple would discuss. I was more reacting to the OP’s “surprisingly to me.”
cbackson
You’re getting a lot of highly negative responses to the question, but it’s not crazy to me that a couple might want to make this decision jointly, even if the only one with a legal right to decide is the woman. It’s also not crazy to me that even a couple that is super-into one another might decide that they’re not ready to be parents. “What’s so tough about a baby?” Lots of stuff. Many people are not ready to commit to a lifelong relationship (which is what you have when you’re co-parents) with someone after less than a year.
All of that said, I’m not sure this is a checklist-type situation. Ultimately, the question is “do we feel ready (financially, emotionally, etc.) to raise a baby as co-parents together?” If the answer is “yes,” then they need to figure out if they are ready to get married (and if not, what their plan is for co-parenting without marriage, which is a big, important conversation that should probably involve lawyers).
If the answer is “no,” then they need to talk about whether that means adoption or abortion. If there is significant discord regarding this issue (as in, one of them very much wants the child, the other does not) the question gets more complicated (not legally – this is her choice – but in terms of relationship dynamics).
Avril
I like how you addressed this question: “What’s so tough about a baby?”, because it seems like a no-brainer if 2 people are into each other and get along, but sometimes it isn’t.
Avril
+ 1
hoola hoopa
+1
Anon
Agreed. By semi-personal example, I had a friend get accidentally pregnant with her then-boyfriend of several years. Though they were in a serious relationship, for a variety of reasons, they decided (together) that they were not ready for a baby at that time and she had an abortion. It wasn’t that they didn’t want kids ever, or weren’t sure about each other, but it wasn’t right at that time. Babies are tough, raising children for 18 years is even tougher. Fast forward 5 years or so, and my friends are now married and about to start trying to have kids, and I’m sure they’ll be wonderful parents now. So not a crazy question to me at all.
Anon
Similar example here, except that my friends are now (many years later) married with children.
cbackson
I know people who’ve been all over the map on this issue. I know a couple like your friends; I also know a couple that terminated a pregnancy and struggled with the fallout (ultimately divorcing).
I know a couple that decided to have the child knowing that they were not going to marry – they are fantastic co-parents, have a great kid, and both are now married to other people (I should add that all I can say about this collective group of people is that the patience, compassion, and tolerance that all involved, including their respective spouses, is amazing and that I think the situation likely worked out because the romantic relationship wasn’t that strong – it was sort of a FWB situation and therefore there wasn’t a relationship break-up and hurt feelings to deal with).
And finally, I know multiple women who gave children up for adoption, including one who gave up a child that she had with the man she later married. Even though they got married, she firmly believes that they made the right decision because they could not have given that child the life they were able to give their subsequent children (born nearly ten years later). And I know a woman pressured into giving up a child for adoption and who has never (ever) gotten over it.
The upshot is, this is an incredibly complicated decision and the best possible thing is for the two of them to make it thoughtfully, with respect for each other and for each of their individual needs, hopes, dreams, and values. There are a more possible outcomes than “they have the baby and get married” and “she has an abortion.” The best thing the OP can do as a friend as help her friend make his own decision, and be supportive not just at the decision point, but in the aftermath (whether that is a journey to parenthood for this couple or not).
LH
To me, what’s weird is not that this is a decision that the couple would make jointly, but that one half of the couple would seek advance from a friend about what to do. Maybe I’m just an intensely private person, but I would be very hurt if I were in this woman’s shoes & my partner sought advice about what to do from anyone except a therapist with a confidentiality obligation (not to mention that the friend then sought advice from the internet at large). Maybe the girlfriend knows about him asking his friend and is fine with it, but I wouldn’t be. I also think that the fact that the man is seeking advice from a female friend makes it a little more complicated. I firmly believe straight men & women can be friends, but I would not confide in a guy about something so intimate.
Wildkitten
And then that friend seeks advice from an internet chat board.
Platinomad
Thank you for this completely thoughtful and appropriate reply, cbackson.
Everyone who is commenting on why this person even knows about this….
I would be talking this over with several friends and family members if this were me, and I would expect my boyfriend to be doing the same. Now, I’m not a very private person but if I were and did not want want my boyfriend discussing this with others, I would explicitly state that. I think there are LOTS of people out there who would be discussing this with close friends and/or family, and all the judgement to the OP on why they even know when we have no idea about what their relationship is like (the OP and friend, and the friend and his girlfriend) is absurd. Lets assume OP and friend are discussing this challenging issue in good faith, rather than assuming it is some invasion of privacy when we have no evidence of that.
Anon for this
I really think you should just stay out of this and tell him you will be there for him, whatever they decide together. Because they are the ones who has to decide what is best for them. They are adults, and they need to decide…and research for themselves.
Mother just diagnosed with dementia
Need to vent and perhaps get some advice.
My mother has just been diagnosed with moderately severe dementia. It is a bit of a relief to get this diagnosis, which explains the many bizarre, confusing, exasperating, and alarming behaviors that she has increasingly displayed over the last several years. Based on our excellent family genetics, she will be degenerating for at least 25 years.
I’m looking for advice on how to help my mom and my dad cope with this. My dad is obviously in a bit of a tailspin. I live 3,000 miles away from them, and we are putting together a plan that will involve bringing them to my current city. The environment here will be far better suited to both of my parents vs. their current home.
On a selfish note, I’m feeling totally defeated by this new turn of events. I am 33, single, working 70 hour weeks, and have had so little time to build my own life. With this news, it appears that I never will. My plan had included quitting my current job in another 1.5 years, at age 35, and taking a lower stress and far lesser paid position. I feel trapped now. I have two brothers, but none with the means (financially or otherwise) to really help. For all practical purposes I am an only child.
Woe is me.
Anon
I’m so sorry about your mom’s diagnosis. I have no advice for you, but I understand your need to vent and can commiserate with the sense of upheaval in your plans. My SO and I are mid-30s – I’m established in my career and student loans are almost gone, and he’s finishing up a PhD. And his parents are nearing the end of a spectacular financial collapse (of mostly their own doing) that will result in us needing to provide financial support for them starting very, very soon. When I wanted to be celebrating paying off my student loans by doing fun things like buying a home and having children. I know we’re fortunate to have family, but grr. Also in the position where siblings don’t have the means to assist. It just…blows. Is it a terrible third-world problem to have? No, but it’s normal to mourn the plans you’d mapped out for yourself that will now need to be altered.
Anonymous
Call the Alzheimer’s Association chapter closest to you. They have local resources that can help you find respite caregivers and help your dad cope, as well as provide you with resources for your mom. It’s completely okay to feel defeated because it completely sucks. Your life isn’t over and you will still have the ability to have your own life, you will just need to figure out what you can/can’t do and where you can get help from. You can’t *fix* this and you and your family also have to realize that their may come a time when it is better to have your mom somewhere she can be appropriately cared for, than overextending yourself (and Dad). Seriously, call as soon as you can. They live and breathe this stuff and no problem is too big and sometimes you just need to vent to someone who’s been there and understand how much it all sucks. I’m so sorry.
MNF
+1 Alzheimer’s Association is an amazing resource. So amazing. Like 24-hour helpline amazing.
Also, call an elder law attorney ASAP. A lot of what needs to be done, can be done easily with a POA, and if you wait until Mom totally loses capacity then you may need to do a guardianship proceeding.
hoola hoopa
+1 to all of this.
In speaking with the elder law attorney, try to get your dad to consider legally divorcing your mother and establish a trust with your mother’s funds with you and father as executors.
Big hugs and good luck.
Anonymous
-100. Don’t try and end your parents lifetime commitment to make the paperwork easier. Help him if he wants to, but unless you want to be known as the cd hearted dreadful child don’t suggest this.
Anon in NYC
I’m so sorry – both for your family and for your not-so-selfish concerns. Hugs. I can relate. My siblings live far away and are not really in a financial position to help once my parents can no longer take care of themselves. I feel so much responsibility for my parents, and it feels like it’s just my burden.
While you’re putting together this plan with your parents, I would evaluate their financial needs, as well as the type of medical care and support your mother will need over the next several years. After several years of declining health my MIL had to place her mother in a nursing home, and it’s been the best move for everyone. I believe the facility is paid through Medicare. Perhaps your company has some resources on elder care that you can use or call – even if it’s just someone for you to talk to and figure out a list of things to consider.
And remember that as much as you want to support your parents, your parents did and do want you to have a life. Don’t put your life (or job changes) on hold.
Jumpingjack
I am so sorry to hear this. I am in a nearly identical position (though I was already living in the same town with them) – trapped is exactly the word I use to describe it. I will not lie and say that it’s not difficult. A few tips:
– If you can afford it, get a geriatric care manager. Actually, get one even if you can’t afford it. They can be incredibly helpful in directing you to resources, managing care, etc. Expensive but very worth it. The website of the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers has lists of care managers. I interviewed a bunch before finding one with the right technical and personality fit.
– There are moving companies that specifically work with moving older people, and are skilled in dealing with the issues that presents. Hire them. Again, worth it.
– If you need to find resources, most metropolitan areas have councils on aging who will have hotlines and listings.
– I have heard many many recommendations for a book called The 36 Hour Day.
– If you can afford it, get a home care aide, to give your father assistance and time to himself. There are lots of agencies for this.
– Start researching memory care facilities, since she may need to move to one eventually. It’s better to be prepared. Many retirement communities will have independent living (where your father can live) and memory care, so he can still be nearby and visit her, but won’t have the burden of care.
– It may make sense for them to move to a retirement facility right away, where at first they could live in independent living (maybe with a part time aide) and then she could move to memory care when it’s needed. It could make the transition easier for both of them. And even the independent living sections provide some assistance with respect to memory and other elder care issues.
– The move will likely be very confusing for her. A geriatric psychiatrist may have tips to make it easier (specifically a *geriatric* psychiatrist – apparently older people can have different psychiatric issues and drug reactions).
– To end on a happy note, This American Life recently had a little piece on talking to someone with dementia. I found it amazingly uplifting and hopeful. Google “this american life magic words episode 532”, it’s Act 2. (I’m afraid this will get stuck in moderation if I post a link.)
And last but not least, take care of yourself. If you let yourself be consumed by this, it will be a bad outcome for everyone. Make sure to maintain a social life outside of helping your parents.
Anonymous
Woah woah woah. Before you make any of these decisions get some help. You do not need to give up your life, time, or money to take care of your parents. It’s great when you can afford to help your parents. I’d hope to be able to help mine. But take care if yourself first. Pick the jobs you want. Make the plans you need to. Secure your own finances. What would happen if you got hit by a bus tomorrow? I bet everyone else would figure things out. Do not fall into the martyrdom trap.
L
Oops, I was anon@ 3:44. And I’m seconding the last portion of this. It’s very easy to throw everything up and go I MUST HELP NOW, but sometimes the best thing you can do is have your life together and take care of yourself first. Not in a way that ignores the needs of your parents, but you’re no good to anyone if you’re unable to function. Obviously this is happening super fast and there will be a lot of feelings. If your employer has an EAP, use it stat. Also, before you or your parents make any big financial decisions, make sure you call an attorney and have someone evaluate what kind of care your mom needs now. Also, you can call your local aging office; they’ll have someone there who can tell you what sort of general services are available in your particular location. They may also have reputable elderlaw attorneys and/or a lot of them have social workers who can help you evaluate the type of care your parents will need.
It’s a lot to take in at once. Call the helpline!!
Mother just diagnosed with dementia
Thanks everybody.
A POA is definitely in order but my mom is 100% in denial about her compromised status. At the slightest perceived correction or insinuation that she needs help, she blows up and is ANGRY for the rest of the day. She trusts nobody. We would love to lock her out of certain joint bank accounts but there is no way for now. They also live in a backwater, screwed up state where I’m guessing there are zero reliable resources available locally.
Deep breaths. Appreciate all the ladies here:)
Jumpingjack
This is a very common reaction for people with dementia. Have you tried to find a geriatric psychiatrist? I’ve also recently learned about a drug called Exelon that can be used to treat cognitive impairment, to a point.
When my earlier comment eventually gets out of mod (it’s been an hour!) and is posted, you’ll see a bunch of other thoughts I had.
Anonymous
Even Mississippi has resources available. Listed on the Alzheimer’s foundation website.
Bingo
What are your favorite news sites? I am having trouble finding relevant, well-written news articles, without subscription online. I basically just scroll through Google News, and it is leaving me thinking that I’m missing something. I am mostly looking for news, but a mix of news and opinion would be ideal.
Suggestions appreciated! Thanks.
Anon
BBC
Unicorn
The Daily Beat does a nice daily roundup called Cheat Sheet.
Unicorn
*Beast
AttiredAttorney
Huge plug for theSkimm! It’s a daily newsletter that goes through all the major headlines in a witty yet still incredibly comprehensive way: http://www.theskimm.com/?r=1PK5W
Anonymous
TheSkimm. Seriously.
rachelellen
from a journalist: Reuters.
Samantha
The Economist is the only serious news site I consistently read and value anymore. That is all.
ETA: Won’t work for daily news headlines, I still use Google News/ Skimm for that.
Meg March
What are your little fun things to get you through a terrible day?
I hate rain and being wet, so I have bright fuchsia rain boots and a polka dot umbrella, which make going outside in the wet just a little better. I also walk through puddles instead of around them, thanks to said rain boots.
Medic Maggie
The chocolate that I keep in my desk. Knowing that I will get unconditional snuggles from my kids, even if they’re contributory to the terrible day. Listening to really good music, through really good speakers (speakers or headphones), with really good mixing. A fire (complete with s’mores) in my fire pit.
And, honestly, trying to find the silver lining. I had a horrible experience with a doctor yesterday–he was a specialist that my NP who is managing a specific issue referred me to. The whole experience was terrible. I didn’t even feel like a patient, or a person. I felt like a chart. He didn’t tell me (or ask me) any more than the NP. And after that experience, I decided that I would break up with this doctor, even after the first visit. It was a waste of my time, and a waste of his. I realized that I have it really good with my NP. We were hoping that the referral may help to delve deeper into this issue, but it didn’t pan out that way. But, the silver lining is that I realized that I do have a great NP who cares a lot about me. She is receptive to my needs, even when they are emergent. I had a series of crises related to this issue over the summer, and I was able to call her, speak with her, and get the necessary next-steps taken care of. I feel like if I had the same issues and needed to call this doc–I wouldn’t get anywhere. So, I will remove him from my life. I will never get back those hours, but I can move forward knowing that in the end, my care is being managed pretty well.
So, a long way of saying “thankfulness” is something that gets me through a terrible day.
Samantha
Taking a slow mindful walk and stopping to find something unique to photograph on instagram (wildflower, brick pattern) on the way.
A view of the water, if at all possible.
Watching an episode of something that’s laugh out loud funny to me.
Curling up with a nice book after dinner.
Stuck in Purgatory (but not the good kind)
Would love some good advice! I am a biglaw 1st year in NY and I absolutely hate my job. I’m in a specialty that I enjoy on some level, but don’t enjoy “practicing biglaw in”. I don’t think there are great exit options generally in-house but maybe if I spent another 4/5 years here (which I cannot do). Everything good about the workplace when I visited/summered (social, friendly, informal) has turned into a huge negative (passive aggressive, unprofessional, unstructured with no interest in development or training) since I got here. There are no senior women here. The culture is very sarcastic and passive aggressive and there are a non negligible number of screamers. I’m so demotivated that I feel like I’m getting worse and worse at my job and losing confidence, which then leads me to make more mistakes.
I’ve started talking to a recruiter but am very nervous that making the leap, I will just end up somewhere worse. I’m so jealous of normal people who get to work in normal offices where people come and go and have ideas and gain a variety of skills and work on projects and achieve things (!) instead of being trapped in the endless thankless grind that is catching typos for a bunch of spoiled pedantic man-children. I can’t speak to other associates because in my dept they are all loyal to the Capitol (Panem today! Panem tomorrow! Panem forever!) Serious question: how valuable are law degrees in just a normal job? Like consulting or project management?
Anonymous
Before you throw away your investment, I’d really consider trying another firm.
Anon
I escaped a similar situation (unhappy for slightly different reasons) and have a management position in a corporate legal office. I realize I got extremely lucky being able to go in house after about a year and a half practicing. Based on my applying, they are few and far between but do exist. I would suggest throwing mud at the wall and applying for everything.
Covering for coworkers -- vent
So, we live in a world where we’re always available. We have a work # with voice mail. We have mobile phones. We have texting. And we have horrible things that can go wrong with a person who goes unavailable / unresponsive throught the day.
Spouse of a co-worker calls in a panic that co-worker spouse has gone unavailable all day and she is terribly worried. Have you seen him?
Is the answer:
No
No, but I’m sure everything’s fine
No, but I’m sure everything’s fine because he left with Presumed Girlfriend a while ago and it’s most likely that he’s not answering b/c he’s “busy,” not that they’ve been in a wrech en route from their tryst
Next time, the answer will be “I have no idea, I just got in myself (and I have no idea who has been in all day and won’t check his calendar for you).”
L
If you haven’t seen him, then the answer is no. If you haven’t seen him since he left with X, then that is the answer. No need to send one else into a further tailspin when they’re already panicking.
Covering for coworkers -- vent
In this case, “he’s out with X” implied the rest of that. Sadly.
Anon
Falls smack into the none-of-your-business category (unless you are better friends with wife than coworker and feel a moral obligation to tell her about sidepiece).
Lyssa
I don’t think that you need to say that he’s with X – just that he left around (time) but you don’t know where he went. Probably better to not get involved, tempting though it may be. But I wouldn’t lie and say that you haven’t seen him if you have.
But what a pig – just parading her around the office. Disgusting. I would definitely make a point of telling him that wife called looking for him while giving him a disgusted glare.
L
If you actually saw him leave with X then say that and only that. Let her infer from it what she will. My point is, you don’t need to lie, you don’t need to cover for him, just straight up tell (factually) what you know and leave it at that.
Anon
The answer is some variation of “No, sorry!” or “No but I’ve been holed up in my office/cube/etc all day!” or “No, I just got in!” or something similar.
Also – yikes. Sorry you were put in that uncomfortable position.
Parfait
Has he asked you to cover for him? I’d just be honest. “I saw him leave for lunch with (name) a while ago but haven’t heard from him since.” His lack of discretion is not your problem.
L
+1.
Anonymous
Answer. No.
Next step. Coworker. Your wife called and said she was worried you were out of touch. She asked if I knew where you were. I said no. I know you left with ms jones. Please do not put me in the position if answering worried calls from your wife again.
ETA: actually, nvmd. I agree with Parfait.
anon2be
And I thought this was a vent about covering for co-workers who leave work early…
Ade
Really liking the colorblock cashmere wraps at Garnet Hill. Any good sales going on now for something similar in the below-$100 category?
AIMS
GH is doing 25% off everything now, so it should come down closer to $100. Also, put it on your watch list through shopping notes, almost everything at GH goes on sale at some point. They also have “sale of the day” where they’ll discount a random item for 24 hrs., and that sounds like something that they would include.
Jeans help
My office just adopted a jeans-on-Friday policy. I’d planned on getting new jeans this fall anyway, so yay? But I HATE shopping for jeans with a fiery rage. Can anyone recommend brands or cuts to try? Skinny jeans are not my friend, so I’m probably looking for a straight cut or a narrow boot. I’m 5’7, a very curvy pear, with very thick thighs, size 12-14. Usually I have a hard time fitting my thighs, even if the hips and the waist are fine. Several years ago I relied on Lucky Brand, but now they don’t fit like they used to. Help?
Ginjury
I’m a very curvy pear too and I’ve actually been really pleased with GAP jeans. I think it’s the perfect boot that usually fit quite well. You may need to get the waist taken in a bit, but they otherwise work great for pear shapes.
Duchess
I have almost identical body type/height and sizes as the OP, and I love the Gap, too. I actually do wear some of their Always Skinny jeans, but I also wear their Real Straight. I usually get Talls, because the Regulars are ankle pants on me, which is fine sometimes. I just like having the option of the extra length that I can hem or cuff in a few pairs.
Nonny
Seconded, and also a pear. I actually just returned from buying 2 pairs of jeans at GAP at lunch (because both my bootcut and my skinny pairs are crapping out at the same time). I hadn’t bought GAP jeans in about 10 years and have to say I was very impressed. Even better (and I don’t know if this is chain-wide, or just here) – everything is 40% off today, apparently through Sunday.
Parfait
Thirded. The Gap boot cut jeans fit my thighful pear shape very well. I’m wearing them as we speak!
Gail the Goldfish
Fourthed for Gap. And thanks for the 40% off tip, Nonny, because I need to pick up a new pair for Fall to get hemmed for flats.
Medic Maggie
The LOFT curvy boot jeans are great, IMHO. I do feel they get the waist/hip ratio right for curvy folks. They’re not high-rise, and not low-rise. I feel like they’re just right. The others to try (if they’re still around) are the Bold Curve from Levi’s. You may also do better with a trouser-cut jean because they tend to fall away from the thigh at the bottom of the hip, rather than hugging curves to the knee.
hoola hoopa
+1 for loft curvy trouser. Even though their quality has nose dived in recent years, I have yet to find anything that fits as well. I have your same body type from your description.
I’ve heard that Halogen has a curvy trouser, too. Taylor, I think it’s called?
Anon
+1
KinCA
I’ve had good luck with GAP and AG jeans. My recent obsession has been Joe’s Jeans, but I’ve only tried one cut (the Skinny Ankle).
Wildkitten
This is a great time to use a personal shopper. Last time I had to buy jeans for work I went to Bloomingdale, flagged down an associate, and left with awesome jeans. They know way more about jeans than I do.
Katie
I’ve had good luck with Jag Jeans at Nordstrom, and with Nordstrom salesperson advice generally.
foundation
I’m looking for a face product that provides medium coverage to primarily cover redness. I have normal skin (no dry patches, not prone to breakouts) with some fine lines. Ideally it lasts an 8-9 hour day, but I realize I’m headed to magical unicorn territory there. I’m open to drug store, Sephora, or department store brands but don’t want to spend more than ~$30-40 unless it’s amazing.
My favorite foundation ever was a cream (discontinued), I’m open to liquid, but I’ve never been very happy with powders. I’m hearing a lot of buzz over BB creams, but I’m fuzzy on details so I don’t know if they are what I want.
Recommendations, please? I have searched the site but would appreciate suggestions for my specifics. I’m hoping that a couple of people recommend the same product and I can just buy it today on my way home and be done. Thanks!
kellyandthen
I have the beginnings of rosacea so redness is my usual state of face–I feel ya. My favorite combo is the Clinique redness reducing cream–it’s green and sort of chalky feeling, but totally works–underneath the NARS Tinted Moisturizer. Lasted me through a swampy DC summer with lots of walking and 8-9hours a day was almost exactly its lifespan. It didn’t feel masky and make uppy, but was a great finished, polished look that hid the redness.
AnonLawMom
Laura Mercier cream foundation. Great coverage that lasts.
mascot
Clinique makes a redness solutions moisturizer that I really like. Consistent use has really helped the red tones in my face. For CC creams, I’ve liked SuperGoop and Juice Beauty. Smashbox also makes a redness reducing primer (the green tube). I used that for a while with bare minerals powder and thought it worked fine.
Nellie
Tarte Amazonian Clay 12-hour Full Coverage. Nice coverage but not shellac, and gentle.
http://www.sephora.com/amazonian-clay-12-hour-full-coverage-foundation-spf-15-P302918?skuId=1393370
Gail the Goldfish
In contrast, I hate the way this feels. It looks great, but it feels cakey to me.
Samantha
Do you use a separate sunscreen?
If not, go to the drugstore on your way back and try Maybelline BB cream. I bought it after seeing a ton of recommendations here, it’s supposed to fit a range of skin shades (there are 3 colors I think), evens skin tone and includes sunscreen. If you don’t like it, it’s inexpensive enough and you can upgrade to something else.
Peasy
I have rosacea and i went to a dermatologist that recommended an over the counter sunscreen/moisturizer that I really like — it gives good SPF (46?), feels light, and has zinc oxide which is good for calming rosacea and reducing redness. It’s called EltaMD UV Clear and its about $25 for a 2 oz bottle (lasts a few months)
MJ
Try Physician’s formula green camoflauge and top it with Maybelinne 24-Hr Super-Stay concealer. The Super-Stay really does stay on ALL DAY and has good coverage. I blend two shades. I then top off with MAC StudioFix, which is a powder (not cream-powder) foundation. Great coverage. Trust me–as a lifelong acne sufferer who always has a red patch her or there…this is the right stuff!
OP
Thanks all! Great suggestions!
anon
Vent: I HATE Lex!s. It’s just the worst. My firm doesn’t have W3stlaw access and it’s awful.
migraine help
I know it’s late in the day, but I would value some advice from other headache and migraine sufferers.
Although I have had what I suspect are migraine headaches for years, I’ve only just made up my mind to go see a doctor about the issue. I have generally been able to manage them pretty well with extra-strength Excedrin and an occasional day off, but I’m now on day 3 of a headache that doesn’t seem to respond consistently to the Excedrin. It’s not debilitating today–just annoying–but I clearly need some medical expertise.
I know it would be useful to bring a headache journal to my doctor’s appointment, so I’ve started one. Is there anything else I should plan for or prepare?
anonsg
Your doc will also want to know about any medications you’re taking, as headaches might be side effects. Or any other health concerns. I think there were studies that people with a vitamin D deficiency were more prone to having migraines or headaches, but not sure.