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Today we're talking about business dining etiquette, and we'd love to hear readers' thoughts — especially any tips specific to lawyer lunches and manners. What do you think are the most important rules to follow at work lunches (and dinners)? Any “fun” embarrassing business lunch stories to share so that readers can learn from your mistakes…?
Here's an important issue: What if you're not comfortable eating indoors yet, for example, if you're immunocompromised? Readers had a big discussion in the comments a couple of months ago about that tricky issue… Have you run into this problem at work? (Do you try to take the initiative in scheduling things because you know the spots with available outdoor dining?)
Tips for Business Dining Etiquette
What to Order — and Not to Order
If you're worried about ordering a meal that doesn't “match” your colleagues' choices, casually ask them if they’re planning on ordering an appetizer or salad or just starting with the main course. If you really can't decide what to order and the server turns to you first, politely say something like “I need another second, please — can I go last?”
On the flip side, if you're a senior person at the table, you can help out interns or summer associates you're dining with by saying something like, “Hmm, the [dish you want to order] looks good…” or “Let's see, I think I'm going to have the [appetizer] and [entree]…”
{related: lunch with partners: who picks up the tab?}
If no one else is ordering alcoholic drinks, don’t order one. And, although it probably goes without saying, don't choose the most expensive thing on the menu if you're not paying.
Don’t order something that’s hard to eat or likely to be messy, like spaghetti, ribs, or lobster. Ideally, don't order a dish you have to eat with your hands.
We've shared posts on eating gluten-free at a business lunch and being the only vegan or vegetarian at the table (though bear in mind, special diets have become a lot more more common!), but in general, it's fine to ask the server a question or two about the menu. (As a vegetarian, for example, I've learned that vegetarian-sounding soups often contain chicken broth, so I have to ask.) Just avoid channeling Sally in this famous scene from When Harry Met Sally. (No, not THAT famous scene, but you know, don't do that either.)
(Tip from Kat: You can always call the restaurant ahead of time if you have a lot of questions! I used to do that because I was doing WW and wanted to plan my day.)
{related: what to wear to an alumni lunch event}
Once Your Food Arrives…
If you're going to an upscale restaurant and you're not familiar with formal dining, take a quick look at a typical place setting before you go. (Here's one from Emily Post.) If I ever can't remember which bread plate is mine, I remember the B and D trick — your left hand can make a lowercase B and your right can make a D (just don't do this, you know, on top of the table). You can also think of “BMW” — “bread, meal, water/wine.”
Put your napkin in your lap as soon as everyone is seated … or as soon as you sit down. Etiquette advice differs on this; for example, articles from GQ and MyRecipes say to do the former, while The Boston Globe and The Spruce specify the latter. (Putting your napkin on the chair vs. the table when you briefly leave the table is also a hot debate among etiquette experts…) At the end of the meal, the proper place to leave your napkin is to the left of your plate.
When the butter plate is being passed around the table (to the right, as with the bread basket), use the knife on that plate to put butter on your bread plate, i.e., don't butter your own piece of bread with the communal butter knife. Once you're ready to eat your bread, to be ultra-correct you shouldn't butter the whole thing at once; instead, break off a small piece, butter it, and eat it.
{related: can I take the leftovers from my business lunch?}
Wait until everyone's food is served before starting to eat. If the final person waiting for their food says to go ahead and start, it's polite to demur once until they urge you again.
Try to eat at the same pace as the rest of your party. If you happen to look down and you have most of your dish left while everyone else has a lot remaining on their plate, consider whether you've been monopolizing the conversation. (Of course, if this is a job interview, you'll be expected to be speaking a lot!)
Don't bring up politics or religion. If you want to feel prepared, take a look at the headlines that morning and pick out a story or two to have “on deck” (not an ultra-controversial one, obviously), and maybe have a couple of work topics ready to discuss. (If this is an interview lunch, check out readers' best interview advice.)
{related: how to deal with political talk at the office}
Choose your seat carefully. Try to avoid sitting where you’ll be stuck only talking to one person. If there's someone at work you’ve been meaning to talk to, try to sit near them. Here’s a handy infographic about picking an ideal seat at a table.
Limit your smartphone use. Keep your phone on silent/vibrate, don't leave it on the table, and don’t take phone calls during lunch. If the lunch isn't a job interview and you really have to keep an eye on emails, do it discreetly — and if you have to take an urgent call, step away from the table and apologize when you return.
Readers, do tell: What are your top tips for business dining etiquette? What mistakes do you see interns and summer associates making, and what mistakes did you make when you were new to the work world?
Anon
I think I learned this on here–if you’re eating out–eat something that won’t be hard to eat neatly. No spaghetti or lobster rolls or the like. Pick the thing that isn’t going to end up down your lap, even if it’s less desirable.
Other tip I learned here–if you’re junior, and you aren’t sure if the lunch or dinner is boozy, defer ordering, even if the waiter comes to you first because you’re a woman, by saying, “Oh–everything looks so good! I need a few more minutes to decide” Then see if others order say, an iced tea or glass of wine, and follow suit. (No pressure to drink, ever, but know your audience.)
Both of these really helped me.
Anne-on
+1 to both of these tips though I haven’t seen people order alcohol at a business lunch since the early aughts (pre-crash). I default to a chicken paillard with veggies when I’m out to a business meal for the most part. I am a huge klutz and avoiding sauces helps ensures I’m not ending the meal with paint spatters of oil/sauce all over my blouse or lap. I also tend to ask if people are thinking of doing starters or not – I don’t want to be the only one eating an appetizer if everyone else planned on a main and then maybe a quick coffee at the end.
Anonymous
I see it all the time.
Cat
I still see it, too, especially if it’s a Friday. Casually inquiring about others’ planned orders (apps or no, etc) and deferring your own order until the more senior people have shown the plan – both good ideas to play it safe.
Anon
When I want a salad for a business lunch, I try to order a chopped salad, even if it might not be my first choice for flavor, because I appreciate how small everything is cut and I don’t have to worry about the jumbo greens I always seem to find in regular salads.
Anon
I was served one of those intact head of lettuce “salads” at an interview lunch in a fancy French restaurant. It did not end well. When I was attempting to extract a small piece, the whole head shot off the plate and onto the floor. But I got the job! I was later told that my response of maintaining eye contact, putting down my fork and taking a sip of iced tea demonstrated that I was not easily rattled.
Anon atty
+1 to this! If I’m at a French restaurant, I almost always order a Nicoise salad (which is guaranteed to be cut up into small pieces of vegetables and sliced tuna) with dressing on the side – it’s easy to eat while engrossed in heavy conversation (a bite of baby potato here and a bite of an olive there) without having to cut anything up or try to extract something messy from a plate, and less likelihood of spillage if your salad is not smothered in oily dressing. And if you eat slower than others or you are running the discussion, then you can always eat the tuna, potatoes, asparagus, etc off the salad first and if it’s just the greens left over, you can say that you’re “done” with your plate. I’m both a slow eater and a frequent discussion leader, and this has been my MO for years – the Nicoise never fails!
Otherwise I’ll go for a salad or grain bowl, preferably with some kind of a protein (which, other than shrimp, usually comes sliced) and to the extent the salad/bowl is not specified as being chopped already, I ask the server to make it chopped. Then I take the same approach as with the Nicoise – eat the proteins and bite size veggies first, one bite at a time.
I also try to avoid dishes that require slicing/cutting as it increases likelihood of elbowing someone or spilling something, or having something go flying across the table (and unless you’re at a giant round table business lunch, it often feels like the tiny tables at a lot of restaurants make for very very little elbow room (which is usually overtaken by our male counterparts since they physically require more space). And because it’s PROPER etiquette to have your non-utensil hand/elbow on the table at all times, it’s a lot easier to just do that and eat your lunch with only one utensil. Hence, chopped salads or soft, flaky, usually boness fish (like salmon, tilapia, or branzino – if branzino isn’t prohibitively expensive) are my go-tos.
Ellen Griswold
Yes, but you have to avoid the pitfall of mispronouncing Nicoise like I did the first time I ordered it. (For those who don’t know, it’s nee-SWAH, not ni-coy-ZEE, like I prounounced it :))
calls question
What do you all do if you’re expecting an important work or non-work call (like a doctor’s office) that might come during lunch — do you mention something at the beginning of the lunch to everyone, just in case? Or do you just wait until you get the call and deal with it politely then?
Also, parents: Do you really not like ignoring your phone buzzing with a call or whatever because you always have in mind that it could be your kid’s school calling to say, “Hey, your kid has COVID, come get them! or “Hey, your kid just broke their arm on the playground!”
Anonymous
I let them leave a voicemail.
anon
You either let the call go to voicemail or decline the lunch if you are truly expecting a call during that hour. You don’t announce that you are receiving a call, and you don’t interrupt the lunch to take the call – that’s rude. Everyone has other things they could be doing, and are declining those things to eat with you. Usually, everyone puts their phone in their purse for the meal and then checks for messages when the entrees have been cleared. At that point, you can excuse yourself early if you have to. It’s about 40 minutes from sitting down to the next point you can check your phone – you can wait that long.
Cat
if it’s a time sensitive call you’re semi expecting, you could keep your phone handy (in pocket) and be very apologetic.
But if it’s more general like “my kid’s school might call me just like they might call me any day” no, don’t keep your phone out for that, it can go to vm for half an hour! Or – of course knowing this isn’t an option for everyone – they can call the other parent, no?
Anon
You would think they would call the other parent, but that is far from a given … ask my then-7-yo who sat in the office for an hour with what turned out to be a broken arm because I didn’t hear my phone and they didn’t call my husband next. I’m still mad about it.
Anne-on
Frankly I think this is why so many people wear smart watches. I can discretely glance at my watch if I’m getting a call and see if it’s my kids school and excuse myself from the table, ditto if I’m expecting a specific client call. Otherwise yes, I agree to either decline the lunch, or let the call go to VM and get back to the person right after plates are cleared as that seems to be the unofficial ‘everyone peeks at their email for 5 minutes’ time.
Anon
If it’s the kind of call that you really have to answer or else you’ll be stuck playing phone tag for days (my doctors can be like this), then I’d mention it briefly at the beginning. Otherwise I’d just ignore the call if it happens to come in during lunch.
Anon
Huh, I’m surprised by the responses. The only time I’d ignore an important call would be if I was on an interview lunch or something like that. A general business lunch, sorry, I’m taking the call. I’d also mention it to whoever I was dining with ahead of time too.mor it’s unexpected, I’d just say “sorry, I need to take this.”
Anon
I’ve been a vegetarian for almost a quarter-century; because so many soups and such are made with chicken broth, I tend to simply avoid ordering those if there is another option. It avoids calling attention to my diet, which isn’t how I want to be remembered.
Also highly recommend having a pithy and non-judgemental response to anyone who asks about your diet (vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free). I usually say, “I went vegetarian in high school and was one of those people who feel great, so I’ve stuck with it.”
anon
It’s a know your office kind of thing but I would also recommend if you have a dietary restriction (not just preference)- e.g., allergy/Celiac/Kosher/etc- that you can push back on the location for lunch if it will not accommodate. I would rather hear someone say, “I’ve heard really good things about restaurant x that you picked, however, I am Celiac – can we go to restaurant y instead,” than not be able to eat lunch.
Kristina
This is hilarious to me because I live in New Mexico, where business lunches typically consist of enchiladas smothered in chile, and where group-catered lunches (like for a bar event) are usually a taco or fajita buffet.
Pep
Ugh, I remember one of my very first business lunches – my host decided to squeeze a wedge of lemon onto his seafood dish and a generous squirt of juice shot across the table directly into my eye. What a struggle to retain my composure and be discreet as my eye burned and tears streamed down my face. I’m sure I looked a mess afterward.
Anonymous
1. Do not start eating until everyone is served and the host (usually the most senior person if the firm is hosting) starts eating or indicates that it’s ok to start. The only exception is if the host tells you to go ahead and eat instead of waiting for everyone else.
2. Know what you want to order when the waiter gets to you. Don’t ask too many questions. Pick something you want to eat as is, or with no more than 1 modification. You don’t want to be that girl (or guy) who asks the waiter what’s in every single dish, orders a salad with dressing on the side, subs veggies for the rice and asks for no onions because you just don’t like them. It makes you look high-maintenance.
2a. If you have an allergy, ask something like “Does this have shrimp in it? I’m allergic to shellfish.” This conveys that you have a specific medical concern, not that you’re a high-maintenance person.
3. Think about ordering around the same level of “healthiness” as everyone else. If they’re all getting salads entrees, maybe a smaller entree with a side salad would be a better choice than a giant bowl of pasta. Other people might not notice or think anything of it, but if you feel awkward or nervous already, you don’t want another reason to feel different.
4. If you know where you’re going in advance, try to look up the menu or even call ahead to ask questions if you have specific concerns (trying to eat healthy, just don’t like certain foods) that might appear high maintenance.
5. Don’t order the most expensive item on the menu.
Anonymous
1. Be gracious (mind your manners and treat the restaurant staff well – people notice that and the staff will remember if you don’t)
2. Make a point to know who is attending, remember their names, and try to learn something about each person
3. Be interesting (I don’t mean to sound all Kate Spade or Coco Chanel by this, but I mean having the ability to carry on a conversation about the industry, the day’s news stories, preparing a few questions to ask tablemates – weekend plans, etc etc)
Anonymous
Yes – be interesting! Seriously, do not sit there and answer questions with one word answers. Doubly so if you’re at a law firm. Many lawyers are painfully awkward so work hard not to contribute to the awkward vibe. Read the news every morning and pick out a few (non-controversial) things to talk about.
Anonymous
Don’t order an appetizer for yourself and the most expensive thing on the menu, and then joke that “you might as well since it’s on the company’s dime”. And then don’t ask for it to be packed up, particularly if all you have left is fries.
Anonymous
Thought of a few more. Don’t be the only person to order a starter/salad/soup. It is really awkward when everyone else is just watching you eat and waiting for their meals.
Anonymous
Also, be very aware of your restaurant manners. Many attorneys are former restaurant servers and we notice when you are rude to wait staff, even when it is subtle.
Anonymous
Remember that the entire summer is essentially a long interview and lunch is no exception. If particularly behavior would be inappropriate in the office, then it’s still inappropriate at a casual lunch.
Anonymous
This!
This includes any event with co-workers, company sponsored or not, including drinks after work.
True story, someone lost a job because of an offhand comment in the loo about being too tired to work, and that they were hiding out. It got back to management and they were gone by the end of the week.
Anonymous
Always say thank you for lunch. You appreciate both the fact that you are working at a place that will treat you to lunch and the fact that busy lawyers took a chunk of time to talk to you.
Anonymous
I practiced in DC for years and I never thought anybody needed to know this one — DO NOT CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN! Or talk with food in your mouth! Or smack your lips! OMG I have seen senior partners do this in front of clients and you better be a really good lawyer to overcome everybody at the table pitying you for not knowing any better.