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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 324 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Cotton Twill Blazer

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I've noticed brand 1901 before at Nordstrom, but admittedly, always in the men's section. This year, though, the brand has a ton of cute but affordable preppy stuff, including this great stretch twill blazer in navy with a cute pop of gingham at the sleeves. It's $139 at Nordstrom, available in sizes 0-16 with a few lucky petite sizes left. Stretch Cotton Twill Blazer Two stretch twill blazers available in plus sizes are at Talbots and Zappos. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 9.30.24

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Comments

  1. Two Cents

    My friend just had her third child and I would like to give her a gift. She lives in a rural area without a lot of access to restaurants or delivery services. I was thinking of getting her food basket maybe from zingermans. Can anyone recommend a specific one from there or do you have other ideas? Thanks so much.

    • Anonalaw

      I don’t know Zingermans but would generally recommend something with fruits and vegetables. It is easier to stock up on non-perishables and freezer meals before birth than the foods you’ll need to get fresh. I definitely didn’t eat enough fresh food at that time.

    • partner lady

      I have sent Weekender Boxes, Brownie Bites Boxes, and Coffee Cake Boxes from there – all have been big hits. I think you pretty much can’t go wrong, but you’ll know best what your friend might like.

      • Anon in NYC

        +1 – I would have cut off my right arm for fresh fruit after having a kid. I sent my friend Harry & David boxes after she had her kids and she loved them!

      • Anonymous

        ++ I’m about to deliver kid 3 and fresh fruit, salads, that sort of thing are AWESOME. DH’s company sent a edible arrangement thing when #2 was born and even though i typically don’t like those, i scarfed the entire thing.

        Ideally things that don’t require peeling (oranges).

        As a second runner up, nuts and cheese would be good! Or dried fruit. I stockpiled that stuff but went through it fast.

    • avocado

      igourmet dot com for cheese that is excellent and much less expensive than Zingerman’s, or +1 on Harry and David specifically for fruit.

    • anonanon

      Fatwitch brownies. Super delicious, easy to freeze and have whenever she wants them. And the packaging is adorable.

    • Lise

      I always just send the Zingermans Midnight Feeding New Baby Box – it’s got a bunch of snacks and I think a Zingermans bib or onesie.

  2. cbackson

    Shout out to Houda for her awesome recs re: Kortrijk! Let’s just say that thanks to your recs, I have some epic memories of the Parkhotel restaurant (although…that children’s rec room is CREEPY).

  3. Anonymous

    I need two shopping tips.

    First, I need a rec for a cheaper version of this: https://www.tnuck.com/catalina-button-skirt-0.html

    Second, I saw a woman at church wearing these great floral pants on Sunday. They were white and flare and maybe jeans and they had bright flowers all over them.

    Can anyone help me welcome spring by helping me find these items?

  4. Third piece

    In advance of the hot summer, can anyone suggest “3rd pieces” that don’t add a layer? I’m in a very casual office, and usually wear jeans.

    • Houda

      Massive bauble necklaces. I tend to wear monochromatic looks (think a column of white) then pop a chunky necklace in emerald. Never fails

      • Anonymous

        Yes, a statement necklace is the only 3rd piece I have been able to come up with in my hot, humid summer climate. Even a chiffon scarf is too much fabric around your neck in the heat. One option for a scarf is to arrange it like a necklace, but sitting more on your shirt, so it’s not touching your skin, if that makes sense. Mai Tai’s picture book blog has some scarf tutorials for hot weather styles that turn a scarf into a necklace style, and show how to intertwine a scarf with a necklace.

      • Anonymous

        What are everyone’s thoughts about whether dangly earrings are work appropriate?

        • Scarlett

          Depends on where you work. A-ok in my office. I love them, but don’t wear them to work usually because they get in the way of the phone and tend to be uncomfortable by the end of the day.

        • anon

          It would never occur to me that dangly earrings are not work appropriate. But I tend to not wear the giant ones.

        • Senior Attorney

          I’m dating myself, but back in the day I was somewhat reticent about wearing dangly earrings to the office until I saw C.J. Cregg wearing danglies in the White House! Since then it’s been full steam ahead!

      • Anonymous

        Are they, because I was late to the game on the more sedate ones. Are statement necklaces back as well? Better dig them out of my donation box!

  5. anon

    Does anyone know what the compensation range is for an MBB partner (within a year or 2 of being elected partner)? I’m in consulting and I’m curious. It’s kind of hard to get this info from people I actually work with, which is probably saying something….

    • Houda

      Our baby partners make 1 to 2 M euros per year but I have no idea how much they are taxed (taxes are very high in Europe).

    • Anon

      Check Vault. You might also want to check Mariam Naficy’s guide, the Fast Track, which is really old, but then adjust for inflation too. It has hard numbers.

  6. Anon.

    Thanks, 1901 is a Nordstrom house brand so I’m hoping it will fit like the others.

  7. Anonymous

    For you ladies like me in places where winter just won’t quit, what are you wearing these days? I’m SO over boots and pants and sweaters but I still need them unless I want to freeze. I mostly wear neutrals so I’m trying to mix it up with lighter coloured neutrals (light gray, cream, white) instead of black all the time. I wore a dress yesterday and had to wear black tights which just felt so wrong in April!

    • Anonymous

      I’m wearing nude hose and being cold. I refuse to wear black tights in April. Light colored scarves and a bright blue trench.

      • Ellen

        Me too. I want spring to be SPRUNG by now. I am wearing my tights so that Frank has nothing to stare at when I wear nude stockings! FOOEY on Frank b/c when it is hot out, I will have to loose the stockings too!

    • Anon

      I have some not-quite fishnet but patterned check tights (from Spanx) and they’re what I wear this time of year. They’re black but not quite so dark, so better.

    • Linda from HR

      Thankfully I have tights that closely match my skin tone and keep my legs from freezing year-round, although I also wear winter boots and a long coat. I only layer sweater tights over them when I need to, and I haven’t been doing that much these days. But I’ve actually been wearing pants more often these days. There’s a time of year where I’m okay with being a little cold, I accept it, especially in December. Now? No way, I just wanna be warm.

      I’m wearing my favorite winter coat, because I figure if I still have to bundle up I might as well do it in style and give it as many wears as possible before the winter actually goes away.

      OP, is it possible to get colorful tights, to incorporate color but still be warm? Stores might not have them anymore, but Amazon might!

    • TheElms

      Second day of black tights this week. Its just too cold. I’m drawing the line April 15. No black tights after April 15!

      • OP

        I like this! I have a baby shower on April 21 and I REALLY want to wear a spring dress for it, so I think I’m going to make that my cut off date.

      • TO Lawyer

        I’ve decided my cutoff date is April 20. So next Friday. Week after that, I’m wearing nude hose or bare legs, regardless of the temperature. I am DONE with winter.

        I’m still basically dressing like it’s winter but today I’m wearing a blush pink blazer on top of a black dress… so spring?

    • Anon

      I’m in CA where the rain won’t quit (but we aren’t allowed to complain about it) and have been traveling to the east coast. I’ve been relying on my nude micro fishnets from spanx and Berkshire. I can’t bring myself to keep wearing opaque black tights.

    • K

      Today I’ve decided to wear a new floral sleeveless blouse… under my warmest cardigan. Spring please hurry!

      • trefoil

        That’s totally what I wore to work yesterday! Today my scarf is tissueweight cotton instead of wool, despite the -18c windchill this morning.

    • anon

      I’m wearing a lot of tops in lighter colors, along with dark pants so I can wear my black ankle foots. I can’t stand having cold feet! I’ve waved the flag on dresses and skirts for the moment. I’ll wait until it’s warmer!

    • Marshmallow

      I wore cozy tights and boots to the office today, then peeled them off once I got to my desk. I just can’t with the black tights anymore.

    • Anon

      It is breaking 50 today, so I pulled out the navy linen dress sans tights since it is April (and just gritted my teeth walking through the parking garage when it was in the 30s this morning).

    • Anon

      Do we think this is going to lead to a Trump Twitter meltdown/make him believe he and his team are being personally and unfairly attacked, therefore justifying (in his twisted mind) his desire to shut down Mueller?

      • Anon

        Lol, just checked the news (west coast time here) and answered my own question. So predictable.

        • Anon

          The Ken White op-ed in the NYT contains this fascinating conclusion:

          But consider this: The Stormy Daniels payout may be outside the scope of the Russia investigation, but it’s possible that Mr. Cohen’s records are full of materials that are squarely within that scope. And the law is clear: If investigators executing a lawful warrant seize evidence of additional crimes, they may use that evidence. Thus Mr. Trump and Mr. Cohen, with their catastrophically clumsy handling of the Daniels affair, may have handed Mr. Mueller devastating evidence.

          • Anon

            I mean, that’s basically what happened with Ken Starr and Monica Lewinsky, right?

          • Yikes....

            Well, what as the Russian debacle equivalent that was approached via the Monica scandal?

    • Anon Atty

      I’m no fan of Trump but this does give me pause about Attorney Client Privilege. I get that an attorney can’t help a client further a crime or commit perjury. However, a client is supposed to be able to tell you what they did and didn’t do so you can advise them on what’s legal and illegal right? I only do civil law so I have no criminal defense experience except that one little section I studied for the bar a million years ago. Can they really just go through all of the attorney’s files on a fishing expedition?

      • Anonymous

        A commentator on NPR mentioned that 1) the warrant had to be narrowly tailored because the target was an attorney and 2) there would be a dedicated team screening for privileged materials.

        • Anon

          Check out the NYT op-ed I mentioned above. It really clearly explains how it all went down.

      • anon

        Also worth mentioning that both Cohen and Trump denied the payment came from Trump but Cohen alone, meaning that they stepped in it. Either Cohen is being investigated for an illegal campaign contribution or being investigated for actions that go beyond the scope of his representation as an attorney as attorneys are not authorized to make settlements on behalf of clients without their knowledge and approval.

        • OfCounsel

          I remember thinking when they said Cohen was not acting on Trump’s behalf that was an incredibly stupid thing to say. If he is not acting as Trump’s attorney, then he is just voluntarily making a payment to a third party, which means that the a/c privilege does not apply (and raises all kinds of implications regarding gift taxes, not to mention the potential for an illegal campaign contribution).

          Not to mention that he says he got the money by taking out a home equity line. Banks ask WHY you want the money and if he said it was for home improvements or something of that nature, he committed bank fraud.

          • Metallica

            IANAL so I love this board for stuff like this–I feel like I come away smarter :) (Also I’m happy that that Trump and Cohen screwed up so badly.)

      • Ellen

        What I will NEVER understand is why men go to such lengths to have s-x with women they don’t even know or care about. My dad says it is just b/c they like to do stuff with their own body part and it does not matter with who they are doeing it with. FOOEY on that! S-x should be more personal then that. DOUBEL FOOEY on men like my ex that just treated me like an orifice for his pleasure. No way will I have s-x for that purpose. He can get a coke bottle if he needs a place to park THAT! FOOEY!

    • Anonymous

      Anyone know anything about the status of his law license? It seems like the guy should have been suspended from practice by now.

  9. Kk

    This weekend I have to go clean out my childhood bedroom at my parents house. Rather, I have to clean out the closet- the bedroom has been a neutral guest room for years now. But the closet is full of prom dresses, sorority t shirts, old sunglasses and shoes, yearbooks, magazine cutouts, every card I’ve every received for graduations/birthdays/occasions, and other detritus.
    I haven’t lived there in years, I dont actually want most of it, and yet I can’t throw it out. I have some strange comfort in the fact that it’s all still there, in my parents house. How do you handle the emotion of moving from that place being “home” to being “my parents house” and no longer a place full of your mementos?

    • Anon

      You have to go throw it out. It’s not as hard as it sounds in your mind. Go visit, take your time lingering over things and enjoying the memories, take photos of anything particularly special, and then move on. Nothing lengthens a transition from your parents’ home to your own by refusing to get rid of the stuff.

    • Anonymous

      My parents moved and I had to rip off the bandaid. I kept the most special clothes (prom dress, graduation robe) threw out nearly all the t shirts, saved the yearbooks and cards and got rid of anything else. Their house is still “Home” to me because they are there, and my apartment is also “Home.”

      • Anon

        Why are you keeping the graduation robe? I could see keeping the prom dress, but the graduation robes are so generic and cheaply made. Personally, OP, I find graduation robes the ideal candidate for pictures only – keep a picture of yourself and your friends wearing them, but toss the original ASAP.

        • Jo March

          In my family, we kept the robes – my parents didn’t go to college and my dad got his GED after living in America for years. So we have his robe from his GED graduation, and my robes from high school and college. YMMV, but getting those degrees/diplomas was important enough to us that the robes were more important to us than my one clearance rack prom dress (that dress is so ugly that I even questioned whether it worth donating, ha!).

        • Anon

          Because other people feel differently than you do.

          Also, they’re very handy for a variety of Halloween costumes.

          • Anonymous

            +1 – my grad robe (black) got used as part of a Hermione costume at one point…

    • Anonalaw

      My parents moved out of my childhood home about 6 years ago when my dad took a different, 1/2 time job to transition to retirement. They presented me with boxes upon boxes of all my old crap. First, I highly, highly recommend throwing away and donating as much as you possibly can. Second, I was shocked at how much the move just really didn’t matter. When I go to their new house, nothing feels any different at all. I think once you get past this weekend, you’ll find you really don’t care. And you’ll have a place to hang clothes when you visit ;)

    • Ouch! that hurts

      Embrace YOUR home, where you go to bed at night. Select a few items as keepsakes and take them to your home for long-term storage. Rejoice that your treasured possessions and clothing will make someone else (who can’t afford new things) oh so very happy.

      YMMV but I’ve had to do that with possessions like formal china, antique crystal, chatchkes that filled shelves and oh so many good books and coffee table books, excess jewelry, and rarely-worn clothes due to our house flooding from a Hurricane. We now have no place/furniture in which to keep things. I have to still remind myself that other people are now loving what I loved, was not using, and … where possible I got about 1% back via consignment. It was hard at first… now I”m taking on the challenge of finding “another item” to put into the donate/consign bin every.single.day. My friends are telling me to stop, but if I’m not using it…

      my heart goes out to you … memories in your parents’ home … hopefully that are all positive!

    • Linda from HR

      I feel your pain, I’m in the process myself, very gradually pruning my hoard of memories, and it’s so hard to throw out those keepsakes! As Anonymous said, it’s like ripping off a bandaid, it hurts at first, but ask yourself, 20 years from now, will you think “I wish I hadn’t thrown that out” and feel sad? That’s one of my guidelines.

      Maybe have a box, one box, that’s all you get, and say you can fill that box with the things you treasure, take that back to your place or maybe your parents can keep it in the attic, and you have to toss everything else.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        I have one large rubbermaid with the stuff I can’t part with and it lives in my basement storage closet in my house, not my parent’s house.

      • Elegant Giraffe

        This was going to be my suggestion – allow yourself to take a small box. Whatever fits, fits. Everything else gets tossed/donated.

    • Anon

      My little sister was so whiny about our mom wanting her to clear her stuff out of her old room that she never really did it.

      Our mom recently died and then she had to help not only clean mom’s stuff out, she had to deal with her own closet full of high school stuff. As she was going through it she kept saying “why did i make her keep this?” Very few gems (not even gems really, just a couple of dresses she thought her daughters might like to see) and the rest junk.

      Just do it now. There is no forever storage anywhere.

    • Anonymous

      When I moved out to take my first job at the end of college I knew I was never coming back because my parents were on the verge of foreclosure and divorce. My sentimental stuff was shipped to me within a few months of moving out, and the rest was thrown out. My advice for dealing with the transition is:

      1. Recognize that you are an adult and your “home” is your home, not your parents’ home. Think about it– when our generation was growing up, our parents were the adults, not their parents. Their parents were just the grandparents and were no longer in charge. You are now the adult at the center of your family. Your own home is “home.” You call all the shots. Own it. Adopting this attitude can be difficult (I had to do it at 21; my 40-something husband still struggles with it), but it will give you so much peace.
      2. Do multiple rounds of sorting and throwing stuff out if necessary. I did three big rounds of purging my childhood mementos down from three tubs to one over a period of fifteen years. You will find that an object may be important to you now but not so much five years from now. You don’t have to do it all in one fell swoop.

    • Scarlett

      Years ago I just told my parents to toss everything they’d kept. I hadn’t even realized they still had all kinds of junk from my high school days. They happily complied and I didn’t have any of those whistful moments with old stuff, and I never missed it. Just an idea for handling it – you could just give them permission to get rid of it, especially if you haven’t missed the stuff in your current life.

      • Anon

        This is what I did. I didn’t even know what was in most of the bags in their basement (that’s where most of it was at that point), and I knew if I went through it I would want to keep it all even though there was no point in it. I have two keepsakes from my grandfather who died when I was 8, one of which I display on a bookshelf in my home. I also have a small box of keepsakes (my high school graduation tassel, letter from tennis, etc.) that I took when I moved out. I don’t need the rest of it.

      • Anonymous

        This is what I did. Took pictures of lots of stuff and made myself a photo book. Kept high school yearbooks and a few other mementos – like a small tote box of stuff and tossed the rest.

    • NOLA

      My Dad sold his house after my mom died and had some things in storage briefly, but when I moved here in 1990 (I was 25), I needed to take all of my stuff. I probably took more than I needed at that point, but I pared down and pared down to where I have one dress (recital dress from college), my first interview suit, and a couple boxes of letters and photographs and papers. I miss only one thing I didn’t take – I should have taken more of my mom’s cookbooks. I have some (and should get rid of them now) but I didn’t realize that some recipes I thought of as family recipes were in those cookbooks. Then again, it’s the kind of thing I’m getting rid of now. I took my mom’s china because it was left to me. Now I have no idea what to do with it. So I would say, less is definitely more and don’t expect your parents to keep your stuff. Give yourself time to go through it and deal with memories, but otherwise, keep very little.

    • Friend

      I did this recently. My camera phone helped – I took pictures of some stuff, and then chucked it. Texted it to my friends, “remember this?!”

      I think — “If there was a fire, would I replace this?”
      “If I was dead – when I’m dead – will my children/inheritors want this? Do they want it RIGHT NOW?”
      “Does this help tell my story?” If no, chuck it. If yes, save to go through later.

      You can do it. It’s a lot of emotion to think about it. But once I did it, I don’t feel a sense of loss, and the guilt is gone. Ready to move on. Be strong!

    • Marie Kondo

      By doing the KonMari method. “Does it spark joy?” “No?” “Okay, thank it and let it go.”

      It sounds SO hokey, but I was totally unable to get rid of my mementos simply because I felt like I couldn’t just give them away. Then I read about her method and I tried it, and it totally worked. I do this for anything I need to throw out now. I like that it gives me closure, but also that the clothes will have a “life” that is better than being stuck in my closet, like making new clothes for someone or being purchased by someone who will love it.

  10. Teleworking full time

    We are likely moving across the country for my husband’s job, and I plan to ask my current gov’t agency whether I can telework full time. There is one other woman in my position who does this, so there is a precedent. I love my job so much and it’s the time of position where I only have to be in the office a few times a year. The work I do is pretty autonomous.

    First off, does anyone have experience teleworking full time, especially in the federal gov’t? How has the experience been? I’m pretty social so my biggest worry is the loneliness, so I think I would probably try to find a work sharing space a few days a week. What other things should I consider? Thanks.

    • Fed

      One thing to consider is whether you have any new politicals running your office who might have Opinions (TM) on telework. I have seen this where someone new comes in and doesn’t “believe” in telework in spite of successful past practice. I would read up on any agency telework policies, handbooks, manuals, desk references, etc and the collective bargaining agreement if you are in a collective bargaining unit. Consider all the information when you are crafting your proposal and what potential recourse you might have if you are denied.

    • Anonalaw

      I telework for a private law firm almost full time. I go into my office (2.5 hours away) about once per month. Make sure you have a nice working space. Random office in a corner of the basement or whatever doesn’t cut it anymore. I’ve been doing this about 1.5 years and am likely much less social than you, but the lack of social interaction is really starting to get to me. I’m working on finding some community involvement to fill that gap, but it is difficult because I live in a small town now and my options are very limited compared to what I was used to. A work sharing space sounds nice, but remember you’ll likely be footing the bill for all of that stuff. When I need a change of scenery, I usually just head to Starbucks.

      The biggest thing for me (especially since I have a child): realizing that working from home has not provided me with a windfall of time in which to become super wife and mom. It’s given me like an extra 2o minutes per day (short commute previously and unfussy clothes).

      • Saguaro

        I telework full time, for 3 years now. I really, really miss the social aspect of it, but keep reminding myself that now I have time to work out and cook dinner, among other things I didn’t have when I had to be in an office 9-5. The trade-off is worth it.

        To combat the loneliness, I make lunch plans with friends, take group exercise classes, and make sure to make weekend plans with friends. It also helps to fly back to my office about 1x per month. As I said, the trade-off is worth it, but man, it’s lonely at home for this extrovert!

      • Anon

        I telework full time. My advice is don’t fall into frumpiness that would prevent you from running any normal errands (post office, grocery store) that you normally might do on your way from work because then you suddenly don’t do as much as you did before, and do use teleconference once in a while to maintain your professional image. See your team in person at least twice a year and own it. People like to misconstrue WFHs as PJ-wearing-potroast-cooking slackers so you really have to take every opportunity to combat that image.

    • anon a mouse

      There are a couple of people in my agency who are duty-stationed elsewhere. For the most part it’s not a big deal. Think about your hours — one colleague on the West Coast has arranged his workday to be 7a-3:30p his time, so that he’s pretty much available for all but an early morning meeting.

      My remote colleagues also travel back at least quarterly – on their own dime – for several days at a time, so that they can do our big team huddles in person.

      • Teleworking full time

        Thank you all for the responses. I planned to offer to fly back periodically (at least quarterly) on my own dime, but hard heard there was some statutory provision barring federal employees from paying their own way. In the other words, my agency would have to pay for my airfare (I could not) and would only do for absolutely essential work (like oral arguments), not team meetings since I could just call in. Anyone have any insight into this?

  11. Anokha

    Hi hive. I’ve posted a few times about feeling burned out. I’ve been thinking about the causes: One cause is definitely the sheer volume of work, along with the hours. But a secondary cause, I think, is just caring too much. Like, even when I’m not working, I’m thinking about work, what I need to prioritize, future conversations, etc. My reviews consistently talk about how passionate I am — which is true! — but it’s wearing me out. I guess my question is this: How do you draw boundaries for yourself? Or, alternately, how do you care less?

    • Anonymous

      I borrowed two tricks from teachers. At the end of the day I leave myself a “do now” task for the morning (joy it down on a post it, grab whatever file I need) and then in the morning I first do that and also give myself an “exit ticket”- a quick short list of what I have to get done today. Helps me leave my work at work.

    • Elegant Giraffe

      I tell myself a couple of things. 1) The problems will still be there tomorrow, and I can solve them then. This means I don’t need to worry about it right now. 2) There’s a reason I get paid to have a job – it’s not supposed to be fun! I’m getting paid to worry about work 8 hours a day (not really, I’m salaried…) so I shouldn’t force myself to think about it when I’m not getting paid.

      And something new I’ve been trying that I probably read about here. I used to go home everyday and give my SO a recap of my day, especially if it was a stressful day. But I think that’s not actually therapeutic and just stirs everything back up in my head. So now I’m trying not to discuss work at home, or at least limit it to 5 minutes.

      • Anokha

        Thank you — that is helpful. My beleaguered SO gets to hear nightly, thirty minute recaps about my day (which are rarely good), and I should just stop. Because you’re right: all that happens is that I get worked up again and spend the rest of the evening stewing over the conversation I had with X where we disagreed about Y, or how unreasonable Z is being, etc.

        • Anonymous

          Oh yes stopping this was key for me. I do one rose and one thorn and then change the subject. If there’s something I really want to discuss I’ll do it later in the evening.

        • Calico

          Yes! I posted about this recently. Venting gets me nowhere. I don’t feel like I’ve released pent up emotions, I’m just angry/worked up again.

    • anon

      I struggle with this, too. I’m in burnout recovery, a process that I fully expect to take several more months. I’ve had to tell myself, over and over, that I AM NOT MY WORK. I realized that I was tying too much of my self-esteem and identify to what I was doing at work. That may not be the case for you, but it’s worth thinking about.

      I care about what I do, but I’ve had to train myself to see work as work, even though I really do care about the mission and organization. If I burn out, it’s not good for me, or my workplace. Another mantra of mine is “it all pays the same.”

      A few other things that have helped:
      – Writing down the next day’s to-do list before I leave.
      – Writing down what gave me energy during the day, and what drained it. I’ve been doing that for about a month. This exercise has been very revealing. Once I realized which people/situations took a lot out of me, it’s like they’ve lost that power over me. I’m not avoiding them completely, but I can take a step back and realize that putting emotional energy into the situation just makes it more stressful.
      – I’ve also been more “selfish” about taking vacation days and breaks.

      And here’s where my story takes a really dark turn: About 18 months ago, the very charismatic leader of my organization died from a long battle with cancer. He worked until five days before his death. And when he passed, life went on … like that day. Deadlines couldn’t wait, and nobody really stopped working. Everyone was sad but proceeded like it was a normal day, under the guise of “that’s what he would’ve wanted.” I found it disheartening, depressing, sobering, and I was mad about it for a long time. If even a beloved leader’s death doesn’t get people to slow down for a day — that’s not healthy at all. Perhaps everyone was in the denial stage of grief, but it shocked me. No job is worth killing yourself for.

      • Anonymous

        I moved to a new area, did telework, dialed into meetings via phone. While it was OK…it was very bad for me from the standpoint of adjusting to the move, putting down new roots, and making relationships with the people in my new location. I’d make sure you have an additional part-time or volunteer gig to get you out and around the same group of people on a regular schedule. I didn’t, and I got isolated in a way that wasn’t good for me.

  12. Packing for Europe

    I need to pack for a two-week trip to Europe in May (Germany, Switzerland, Austria) in a carry-on. I have done 10 days before with a carry-on, but I had to wash shirts and underwear in the sink and it was a bit of a pain. I’m wondering if I might be better served by bringing enough underwear for the whole time and then enough shirts for *most* of the time. Any tips? Or are European laundromats really easy to navigate?

    • Anonalaw

      I once heard of a woman who packed clothes she was going to get rid of anyway and then tossed them as she went to make room for purchases.

      FWIW, I would probably take enough underwear for the whole trip and plan to wear each shirt twice. You could even just buy some super inexpensive underwear to round it out.

      • Elegant Giraffe

        I do this – take clothes, wear them, then throw them away. Makes room for new purchases in the suitcase!

      • Anon

        I do too. Stuff that’s not so horrid that I feel like I can’t be in pictures, but stuff that’s past its prime and destined for the goodwill bag soon anyway. I leave it for Housekeeping….

    • Anon

      As previous commenter said, rewearable clothes + 14 days worth of underwear. However, that still would only fit in an American size carry on. If you’re going to be traveling between countries by airplane, their storage bins are much smaller. 14 (let’s be honest, we all take a few extra days worth) but really 17 to 20 pairs of underwear will take up a quarter of your space. Unless you will be wearing two pairs of pants and three shirts the whole time, it makes far more sense to find a Laundromat. Just pack for week one, call ahead to the hotel to find out about Laundromats or in house cleaning (many hotels have laundry services or machines you can use), and go with that.

    • cbackson

      I’m someone who just last week washed her clothes in fabric softener due to a mishap with a European laundromat vending machine so I’m team Just Say No to the Lavoir.

    • Never too many shoes...

      Two weeks in a carry on? I can barely make a weekend. Is there a reason that you cannot just take a suitcase and avoid the stress and hassle of worrying about laundry?

      • Marshmallow

        Eh, we did a three-city Europe trip last year with a checked bag and it was a huge pain. I don’t think I’d do it again unless it was a very long trip or we were staying entirely in one place. Waiting for luggage when you are exhausted after a long flight; hauling a giant bag in a new city; and then hauling said giant bag onto your next plane/train can get to be too much. Plus one giant bag between two people sort of became a black hole. I pack much more efficiently when I’m packing only for myself and with the space restrictions of my carry-on.

        • Anonymous

          I agree that length of itinerary matters. I also think traveling with suitcases makes more sense if you are with your family or your companions are less likely to complain about retrieving luggage (because you might have a long layover and have to stay at a hotel for a flight to a different city with a different airline tomorrow) and are mentally prepared for the possibility of stuff being late or lost.

      • Packing for Europe

        We’re going to be off and on trains a fair amount and it just makes life so much easier during the plane travel – we have a really tight connection on the way there and I loathe waiting forever at baggage claim at the other end. I also have no fashion sense so wearing very basic outfits is not a problem for me :)

    • Marshmallow

      I’d wash underwear in the sink (The Laundress makes a solid detergent bar which is great for carry-ons) and bring enough shirts for the entire trip. If you’re like me and enjoy shopping on vacation, maybe pack a few less shirts than you really need and wear your new purchases toward the end of your trip. If you don’t wind up finding anything you like, you can always wash some tee shirts in the sink.

      • Packing for Europe

        Actually, this might be the way to go – so much easier to wash underwear in the sink than shirts, so I should probably reverse my original thought and pack less of the former and more of the latter. Thank you!!

    • AnoninNY

      I would either bring enough underwear or plan to wash some in the sink. Non-cotton underwear will dry overnight. Similarly, if you pick up some shirts that are quick-drying, perhaps Uniqlo airism tees, you can wash those in the sink and they’ll dry overnight. Take one or two cardigans that match all your tops and bottoms, and wear your heaviest clothes on the plane. Totally doable!

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Check out the Rick Steve’s travel forums, they have tons of great advice!

    • waffles

      Maximize your second piece of luggage! Most (all?) airlines allow a carry-on suitcase and a personal item. If you don’t mind sacrificing legroom, a backpack or duffel makes a great second piece, and can fit a lot of overflow luggage. I did a two-week trip including business conference, trekking through mountains/desert, and city sightseeing with a backpack + carry-on. The backpack was mostly filled with shoes and my purse, but that freed up a tonne of space in the bag for clothes.

    • Anon

      I have done both- used laundromat and gotten the hotel to do it for me. Obviously, the hotel did a better job and I didn’t waste any time on my trip doing laundry.

    • Another Anon

      I second the advice above to bring a backpack as your personal item. I’ve done 2 weeks in Europe with a carry-on before and this is roughly what I’ve packed:

      10 pairs underwear, socks, and short sleeve base layer tops
      4 toppers (cardigans, soft blazers, etc.)
      Light jacket
      4 pairs of pants
      2 dresses (for going to a nicer dinner, etc)
      2 pairs of shoes (one pair for walking around and one pair of nice flats)
      1 small cross-body bag that I pack in my backpack

      Basically you end up changing your base layers every day, but you rotate the pants and toppers since they won’t get dirty as fast. Make sure everything is in dark colors and matches with everything else…

      I’ve also gotten an Airbnb with laundry at some point about halfway through the trip and then you can do laundry at your place instead of finding a laundromat.

    • Anon

      I’ve done 2 weeks in a carry-on size bag for 2/3 of these countries, and in Germany and Austria, especially if you’re staying at a B&B/guesthouse, you can probably get some laundry done in the middle of your trip. Contact them ahead of time and ask what the options are. If you ask when you show up, they may not be able to fit it in with their schedule, but I’ve had success if I ask ahead (or they will nicely tell me no and direct me to a laundromat nearby). I carry Woolite pouches and a drain stopper, just in case I need to emergency wash any items due to spills or smells. 2 week old dirty underwear (even if you have a dirty laundry pouch) is really gross to me, so I can’t travel more than 7 days without doing some laundry. I also travel with non-cotton undergarments and mainly “tech” fabric shirts – particularly the silver thread Athleta stuff that picks up fewer smells.

      Also, while I fully support carry-on size bags for portability, ease of carrying up staircases and fitting in their smaller cars, for puddle jumps between countries if you’re flying, just check your American carry-on size bag. Especially if you’re going between smaller airports, it’s just easier to check it, and they unload fast. You see FAR fewer Europeans trying to carry-on their rolling luggage for small flights between cities or countries, and the likelihood that they make you gate-check anything on wheels is fairly high anyways.

      • Anonymous

        +1

        European airlines tend to have smaller aircrafts for flights within the continent, so there may not be sufficient space for carry-on luggage.

    • Anon

      The laundromats are really not that bad. And you really don’t need detergent for twice-worn clothes to be clean unless you’ve spilled grease.
      Alternatively, find a thong that’s comfortable to you. Pack 14 thongs, 2 soft bras, 1 sports bra and 14 footie socks. Fill the rest with silk or nice thin poly tees, one slinky skirt, and one pair of sturdy jeans (not the flimsy kind that stretches out). Wear a pair of tropical wool slacks, a leather jacket, and a silk/wool/nylon blend cardigan on the plane. Tropical wool and silk take a good amount of time to get stinky and air out well unless you sweat buckets. One pair of flat or low heel leather and leather lined shoes that go with everything and work with your socks.

    • LAJen

      This is not precisely what you’re asking, but I wanted to pipe up with a plug for using ultralight packing cubes. This absolutely revolutionized a recent two-week trip in which I was changing cities every 2-3 days, making repacking easy enough to do in (I kid you not) less than 5 minutes. Maybe 10 if I had really unpacked my toiletry bag. I use the ebags brand ultralight cubes, but I imagine there are other similar things. This also really helped me pack way more into a smaller space (though beware that airlines in foreign countries may weigh your carryon and charge you if you’re over the limit).

      Also, a big plug for ex officio brand underwear–they’re sink washable and will dry in less than two hours. And super comfy (they run big if you go that route, fyi).

  13. Anon

    I recently got back into online dating after taking some time off. I was surprised to only get two messages in two days on OKC. I used to get way more (mostly weird guys, but still) so I’m wondering if either the algorithm has changed, everyone is on other sites now, orI’m just too old (38) and I’m filtering out of people’s searches. I haven’t changed much since last time I was doing this, so I don’t think it’s me…

    Any other late 30s single ladies on here, share your wisdom! Are you on multiple sites? Is Hinge any good? Is everyone on Bumble now? I don’t really think Tinder is for me, but if that’s where everyone is now, maybe I need to reconsider.

    • Anonymous

      OKC changed the way messaging works fairly recently; now you only see messages from mutual matches (you like them and they like you back). Unless you’re willing to pay, in which case you can see all messages. Most people I know do Bumble.

      • anon

        +1

        OKC’s recent changes have made it weird and much less functional for lots of users. It stinks.

    • Anon

      Sign up for All The Sites. You’ll find out which ones you like. I met my husband on Tinder. Yup. We were 34 and 39 and were looking for something serious, the opposite of Tinder’s reputation. I liked OKC, found that Bumble had too many bros, Match had the guys with Issues, and eHarmony was a bait and switch (they frontload the cute guys).

    • anonono

      I think Tinder is really great and actually the least intimidating of them! It’s also pretty easy to tell who’s there for a relationship, depending on what you want. I know several people with Tinder Husbands and I currently have a Tinder Fiance. 10/10 would Tinder again

      • emeralds

        Yup, I have a Tinder Person of 3+ years as well. I had tried a variety of options and Tinder was by far the least obnoxious. Full disclosure, I’m a few weeks short of 30…but the last time I was in DC I met a super-lovely couple in their mid-forties/early fifties who had met on Tinder as well, if you’re concerned that you’re aged out.

    • Anonymous

      You can see messages from non-mutual matches on OKC, but you have to do it through the doubletake section or whatever it’s called – if someone has liked and messaged you, they (eventually) pop up in your queue and you can see the message and decide whether to like back or respond or ignore. It’s an inefficient pain, and also apparently your profile is boosted when you first join (and also if you edit it), so your number of messages there isn’t necessarily going to increase.

      I think most people are on multiple sites – I met the guy I’m currently dating on OKC, but know friends that have had success with CMB, Bumble, and Hinge (and I have chatted with/had prospects from all three of those as well).

    • Anon

      Think positive, but the reality is guys under 50 are looking for women under 35. Maybe adjust your expectations?

    • LAJen

      I’m also in my thirties, and at least in LA, literally no one I know is on OKC or eHarmony or Match anymore–those are “over,” if that’s a term we’re still using. Everyone is on Bumble or Tinder, some on Coffee Meets Bagel, and much smaller groups on the League or Inner Circle. I think Bumble and Tinder tend to produce the best results in this region.

  14. Roth IRA q

    Do those of you who contribute to Roth IRAs do it in one lump sum or in smaller amounts each month? I’ve been doing the former but wonder if I’m doing it wrong.

    • nuqotw

      We put in a lump sum into a money market fund once per year. Then we have a once per week automatic investment thing which transfers a small amount from the money market fund to various other (higher risk higher reward) stock and bond mutual funds.

    • Scilady

      It’s best to do it in smaller amounts each month – called dollar cost averaging. That way you take advantages of the market’s fluctuation – some days/months it will be high, some days/months it will be low. Otherwise you have to try and “time” the market, which is impossible.

      I have automatic withdrawals setup each month to move a certain amount into the Roth IRA. Keeps it pretty painless and takes advantage of market fluctuations to level out.

      • Anonymous

        My understanding is the long-term benefits of having the money in the market longer will average out as well though — putting $5500 in on Jan 1 has the benefit of compounding interest all year vs. the averages of putting a little in every week. Assuming this is a long term investment I’d put it all in and not worry about it.

    • Anon

      It doesn’t matter. The only difference is the length of time the money is exposed to the market.

    • Kk

      I have a monthly transfer from my checking account. If I save it up in my own accounts to transfer in one lump sum, it leads me to believe (falsley) that that money is available to me to use elsewhere.

    • Digby

      Vanguard did a study a few years ago, and the upshot was to do the lump sum, especially if you have a longer investing horizon. My husband and I have been testing this with our Roths – he does the annual lump sum; I do monthly installments – and over probably ten years, his Roth has outperformed mine.

      • anon

        Wouldn’t this only be the case if you had the lump sum available to invest at the beginning of the year? If you have to save up all year to get the lump sum, I would think it would be better just to put it in the Roth as you go.

  15. Anonymous

    I really enjoyed reading everyone’s thoughts yesterday about mentoring a biglaw associate returning from maternity leave. I’m curious what you would recommend for supervisors. For those who have successfully supervised returning moms, what worked? For those who have returned to work after mat leave, what did your superiors do that helped you succeed?

    • Anonymous

      1. Understand that new parents get sick all the time. The kids catch various bugs in day care and then pass them along to the parents. As a new mom, I found it very stressful to be sick all the time and worried that I appeared unreliable. When your employee is sick, encourage her to take time off to recover or work from home.
      2. If you haven’t been a working parent of an infant, don’t even try to mentor or guide her on working parent issues. I had a non-parent as an informal mentor at work when I was a new mom, and our relationship was 100% about the areas in which the mentor had expertise.
      3. As mentioned yesterday, don’t inadvertently cut her out of the loop because she’s a mom. Let her make the choice to accept or decline a high-travel project, challenging assignment, etc. Don’t assume she won’t want it or that you’re cutting her a break by not asking her to take it.
      4. Don’t make remarks that are intended to be sympathetic but in fact project emotions onto your employee. For example, when I was a new mom well-meaning people kept clucking about how hard it must be for me to leave the baby. No, actually, we had an amazing day care situation and I was overjoyed to leave my baby with loving caregivers and return to the office where I could spend a few hours talking to adults and using the bathroom whenever I wanted to. Admitting this would have made me look like a bad mother, so it was hard to figure out how to respond.

      • anon a mouse

        #1 is so key. I had no idea how much time I would need to use for doctors appointments – my kid had nonstop ear infections for months and I think I missed at least a couple of hours every week. And *I* stayed relatively healthy! I always worked late to hit my deadlines, but I dreaded sending my boss a request for leave every time it happened. (She was fantastic and never gave me any pushback, but I’ve never had such a frequent need for leave.)

    • Anon

      I’m in-house, not biglaw, but shortly after I came back my boss (also a working mom) got me set up with remote access and I am able to use it without question (if I’m sick, my son is sick, I have an afternoon appt. and it doesn’t make sense to come back to the office for 45 minutes, we have a maintenance person coming, etc.). I get zero questions or judgment from anyone if I am working from home for any reason. Because I am extremely appreciative of this, I work twice as hard when I am working remotely, and am infinitely more efficient. I also have a flexible schedule – I can come in any time before 8:30, and can work through lunch and leave early, go to appts. during the day, etc. as long as my work gets done. I am currently being paid slightly under market but I won’t leave because the flexibility makes the rest of my life infinitely better.

      • KateMiddletown

        This is great. Yesterday someone mentioned the need to allow working moms to choose their path – your company gives you the FLEXIBILITY to go down the chosen path and succeed.

    • Anonymous

      Honestly, assume the best in your employee/associate. Assume they are still the same person they were before leave. Same skills. Same knowledge. Same willingness to work hard. But be understanding of their limitations when they express them to you. I’m not saying excuse work product that’s late, but if they need flexibility – esp. initially – in working at home in the evening or leaving for pickup, understand that they are just getting used to their new responsibilities, not flaking on you.

      • Elegant Giraffe

        For the first time, I am managing an employee who is pregnant. She plans to return to work after a leave (maybe 8 -10 weeks). When you say if they need flexibility “initially,” what does that mean? Like 3 months? The first year? I have no idea and I know my employee can speak up and ask for flexibility, but it’d be nice to know some general boundaries.

        • Anonymous

          For the first two years of day care while illnesses are frequent, and then again when the child starts elementary school and the parent has to deal with summer day camp/after-school care/lack of backup options for sick days and snow days. Unless there is a nanny or SAHD in the picture.

    • TK

      Until proven otherwise, assume the employee is as competent, capable, ambitious, and professional as any other employee. New parents struggle sometimes with figuring out the flexibility that is required of new parents – daycare, sick time, etc. – but you can and should expect them to perform their jobs well, albeit with (perhaps) less face time than before.

      I had a kid and went back to work at 10 weeks and it was fine. When my supervisor, with the best of intentions, asked me if I still wanted to work on the important projects that I used to lead I was offended that he thought I would *not* be interested.

    • Anon

      Flexible on work from home arrangements and not requiring face time outside of “core hours” of 10-6 or so regularly (every now and then is fine). Don’t schedule late afternoon or early evening meetings (or if you do, keep them running on time). Ask me about how my kid is doing, but not every day. Like Anonymous said, it’s actually not that hard for me to leave my kid in the loving care of her caregivers if I am doing interesting, high-level work (but I can’t tell you that because it makes me seem like a bad mom). If she is nursing, make sure she has a comfortable, safe and clean space to pump and respect the pumping time. Also- don’t schedule all day back-to-back meetings with no breaks because she will need breaks to pump.

    • Anonymous

      There was a fascinating AAM post (and comment thread) on this yesterday, too.

  16. Laser Hair Removal

    Talk to me about laser hair removal. Specifically:
    1) Have you had it? When did you get it (ie, how old were you)?
    2) What was the cost?
    3) What was your experience? Was it worth it?

    For some context, I am in my early 20s and working, but planning to soon start professional school (similar to law school in money/time). I would LOVE to get laser hair removal before going, but with the loans I am about to take out, am trying to figure out if I can justify it. I know that I want to get it at some point in life (I hate shaving, but really like being hairless, yah feel me?), and am trying to figure out if I should get it now despite the cost, and thus have the enjoyment of not worrying about shaving etc during school.

    Thoughts? Thanks!

    • Mrs. Jones

      1. Yes. Age 39-ish.
      2. I don’t remember the cost, but I know I had a Groupon. I think it was $150 ish.
      3. Under arm only. It didn’t remove all my hair, because I’m fair with fairly light hair, but I def don’t have to shave as often as I used to.

    • Anon for this

      Have had it off and on since 22, now 30 and still going. The best way to do it is to wait for specials from the good spas. Many of the reputable spas in my (top 5 city) have fairly regular specials that they expect their clients to grab multiples of (i.e. Christmas, Christmas in July, New Year, Summer, Mother’s Day, etc.). It is very common for this industry. Cost very much depends on your market and the special you get. Even small areas like lip/chin can be 150 per session (or 80 with a special).

      Keep in mind you will need 3 to 9 sessions, depending on your coloring and the stubbornness of the growth, each 6 weeks apart, so you may not be able to finish a course before grad school. And you will need touch ups of the areas for the rest of your life or the hair will keep growing (usually once or twice per year). And many places will limit the number of body parts you can get done at a time for your own health.

      Basically, laser hair removal is not a one and done thing, it is a long term beauty enhancement, like getting your hair touched up. But all that said BEING HAIRLESS IS AWESOME AND TOTALLY WORTH THE HASSLE AND EXPENSE!

    • lsw

      Got it about six months ago, LOVE IT! Bikini line for now, but looking to do underarms soon. I am not sure on the total cost as it was a present. Best present ever. I think I did about 8 sessions. Worth it, worth it, worth it.

      Oh, and I’m age 37.

      • Anonymous

        This is maybe a stupid question but do you get ingrowns with laser as the hair grows back, since the hair doesn’t totally disappear right away? I get the WORST ingrowns on my underarms from waxing/shaving.

        • lsw

          I get terrible ingrowns also from shaving and waxing and I have not experienced that at all with laser removal! The hair that has come back is incredibly fine and you can barely see it; I’m sure that is partly to do with it. But I haven’t had a single issue with ingrown hair which is awesome!

          My hair is really dark, so you could see a black dot in the follicles after the first several sessions, but that eventually went away too. I did do gentle exfoliating with a washcloth per the recommendations of the technician, but I’m not sure if that actually made a difference.

          If you tend to have sensitive skin, you may want to take ibuprofen right before. My skin got very hot and red and it looked like hives after each session, but an ice pack plus hydrocortisone really helped.

        • lsw

          ack apparently in mod but I have not gotten them with laser as I have with shaving and waxing!

        • waffles

          this is my experience too. I had such bad ingrown hairs with waxing, but have had none at all since I had the laser treatments (about two years now). I am so thrilled with the result!!

    • Never too many shoes...

      I have had it done at age 29/30 (face) and now again at age 44/45 (rest of body). I do not go to a place with a groupon, so it is about $400/session now for armpits, full legs and Brazilian. Lower arms are done and were about $100/time.

      It is worth every penny and I wish I had done the full body removal when I was your age. I have very dark hair and pale skin and have had excellent results in about 5 sessions.

    • Anon

      1/ yes, late 20s
      2/ I think $400 using Groupon for my legs, sessions spread across two years at a cosmetic surgeon’s office.
      3/ Love it. Haven’t shaved in a year or two. Of course there’s a stray hair here or there but not noticeable enough to fuss about. Can throw a skirt or dress on in the morning without stopping halfway to think about whether I’ve shaved. I also have really dark and thick hair in my genes. This led to unsightly dark shadow whether I shaved or waxed. No more! Can’t be happier with the results.

    • Anon

      Just did it for the first time on my chin about a month ago (I’m 32) – best decision ever. It cost about $70 for three sessions (I plan to use my second session in a couple of weeks). They recommended 6 sessions total, but I figured I’d start with 3 and see where things stand. I went from plucking daily, dealing with in-growns, etc., to having virtually no visible dark hair growth. FWIW I’m very fair with typically light hair, EXCEPT when I turned 30 all of these pesky black hairs started sprouting through my chin.

    • Miss

      1) I was late 20s

      2) It cost about $1000 or so for four treatments of my lower legs and underarms

      3) I am definitely not hairless. The first session was impressive and I’m not sure how much, if any, benefit I got from the subsequent sessions. I have maybe 50% less hair and it’s softer so it’s easier to shave, but I don’t know how many appointments it would take to be hairless. It wasn’t really worth the cost for me.

      • Anon

        1) early 30s (about halfway through my 6 treatments)
        2) ~$900 for bikini line, 6 treatments with a lifetime guarantee, HCOL-area
        3) so far, my growth is a lot slower and now patchy (I’m the “ideal candidate” w super pale, dark hair)

        I definitely had ingrown hairs with my first couple post-treatment grow in, but I think that’s more a result of the pre-laser shaving. (My propensity for major in-growns was my motivation for laser.) The way it was explained to me was that your body “pushes out” the dead under-skin hair follicle after they’re zapped. They sold me an awkwardly large brush and fancy cleanser which I promptly realized was way to scented for me to feel comfortable using on sensitive bits, so watch out for that up-sell.

        If you see yourself relocating after school, you might want to hold off it you’re going to opt for a salon with a lifetime guarantee.

    • Anonymous

      I have had it. The first time I was about 10 years ago, early 30s. Underarm. Loved it so much did all sorts of places. Can’t remember prices. Skin colouring similar to Halle Berry, hair level similar to Sacha Baron Cohen. The last is an exaggeration but it certainly felt like it.

      Experience: totally worth it. would recommend sooner rather than later. If your colouring is not the best recommended for lasering–pale dark hair, see SBC, you’ll have to do the research to find the people who have experience with your hair/skin type. In my case it took a while for the technology to get to a place where it made sense for me to do it but also I have a very low pain tolerance. Really painful (for me) but worth it. The number of sessions will depend on how high the setting the technician uses–that will depend on their assessment of your hair type etc. and your pain level. Higher is more effective but it hurts. Totally worth it. Take some pain killer and apply numbing cream before hand if you’re worried but again, it’s totally worth it and goes fairly quickly.

  17. $.02 on maternity leave and coming back

    From yesterday morning’s comments re maternity leave and transitioning back to work, here are my thoughts:

    — Biglaw associates are more likely to be uninterrupted during their actual maternity leave; potential severe face time issues on the return (depending on the group — this is a HUGE issue b/c some practices expect physical seat time until 7 each night and some are “just get the work done well”)
    — Biglaw partners IME constantly work on maternity “leave”; often able to leave for pickups / dropoffs as needed; may be better able to fund outsourcing of family tasks if 2 working parents

    I had children as a senior person / junior partner and now that my kids are older, the battle is more with work volume and juggling external clients (so internal optics and politics can GTH). So school aged kids (summer vacations, spring break, winter break) are just a perpetual juggle and day-to-day rebalancing. It’s a marathon.

  18. Anon

    Possibly stupid gardening question – when do you find time to garden during the week? My SO and I don’t have kids. We’re getting home late/busy making dinner when we get home, then after dinner we’re too full/sleepy, then always too tired in the mornings when the alarm goes off. Gardening seems to be a weekend thing now. Is this common for lots of people? Just curious. Thanks!

    • Anon for this

      Very common. Similar, young, no kids, busy jobs, it’s now a weekend activity for the most part (except the spontaneous) and we are perfectly okay with that as it allows time to enjoy without being tired or rushed.

    • Anonymous

      We are usually home by 7:30 and done with dinner by 8:30. Either a quick meal or something we prepped over the weekend. Then we go adult cuddle at 9, then maybe watch some tv when we are done. Sometimes we get home, order delivery, and hook up while we wait for it to come!

    • Never too many shoes...

      Are you happy with the frequency? If you are both satisfied with weekends only, then do not stress about what others might be doing. If you do want to do it more, then you have to make it a priority – like get naked as soon as you get home and then eat toast for dinner after, or order pizza and kill time waiting for it, or set the alarm half an hour early and take a hot shower together…but if and only if you are dissatisfied with weekends only. Otherwise, just enjoy your weekend time!

      • NYCer

        +100 to this. I wouldn’t be happy with weekends only, so we make it work during the week. Like Never too many shoes suggested, do it before dinner, or while you’re waiting for the delivery man, or eat a little less so you’re not as full and get in bed 15 min earlier, or wake up 15 min earlier, or spontaneous in the middle of the night, etc.

        But if both of you are happy with weekends only, by all means, that is also totally fine!

    • Anon

      Yep, it’s a weekend activity for us now. Weeknights are less common, but do happen occasionally.

    • Anonymous

      Pre-kids – as soon as we got home. DTD, changed into comfy clothes and made a late dinner.

    • Anon for this

      Sometimes we set the alarm ten minutes early on a weekday morning. Occasionally we turn the alarm off and snooze for ten more minutes, but usually, we both wake up happy to garden!

    • Anon

      Weekends only unless we are timing sex for TTC purposes or for some reason we weren’t able to on a particular weekend. I’m perfectly happy with that frequency.

  19. ANP

    I’ve got my eye on a few pairs of Boden shoes. Can anyone comment on fit? I was a size 8 shoe forever, but after having three kids somehow my feet shrank and now I’m a 7.5 about 70% of the time. Can someone tell me if they run large, small, or TTS? My feet are normal-to-narrow in width if that’s useful. Thank you!

    • MKB

      The two pairs of shoes I have from them are both pointy toed ones, and they are TTS.

    • KKRvF

      I found them slightly large but I also order from Europe and that seems to put a wrench into things. The sizes don’t sync well. i.e. I am solid 8 virtually always but UK sizes never fit me (between sizes) and a 39 Euro is often too big but not always.

  20. Anon

    Re: Korean skincare

    Frenchie and another poster (Shadow?) gave detailed recs the other day about Korean skincare. I’ve since ordered some items from Laneige and Innisfree, and have some Cosrx on the way. I’ve been reading reddit / AsianBeauty but they are really at an advanced level compared to where I am.

    I’ve seen a beginners guide on a blog about the order of layers but I see comments about how long to leave each product before going to the next and I don’t know where to find that info all in one place. I’m especially concerned with not killing my “actives” (Finacea or metro gel for rosacea) with another step too closely following.

    Any suggestions for comprehensive resources?

  21. House hacking/kitchen reno

    My husband I and just had an offer accepted on a duplex. We are going to live in one half for 4-5 years until kids are school age and rent out the other then hopefully move to a house in the same general area and rent out the both. This is our first time owning any real estate and I’m very excited but also a bit nervous. Does anyone that has done this or been a landlord have any advice, tips, horror stories I can learn from, etc? First time home owner tips are also appreciated!

    We are also planning to renovate the small kitchen on one side, so any advice about that would be welcome too. We want to do it relatively cheap since we won’t be there forever but also pick materials and styles that are pretty universally appealing and durable. Thanks!

    • anonanon

      No specific advice, but have a list of people to come help fix things – AC repair, electrician, plumber, etc. We have a few rental properties and have good relationships with people who can come very quickly.

    • anon

      We bought a duplex 3 years ago–super happy with the decision. We are also planning to move out in a few years and rent out both units.

      Our house is very old–it was in better shape than most in our neighborhood but that didn’t mean it was in objectively good shape, so we have ended up spending more time and money on renovations and repairs than expected. Nothing major, but it was a steady drip for the first two years. We try to be really responsive to our tenants’ maintenance needs which sometimes results in unexpected costs–for example we had to buy a new oven on short notice a couple months ago. You will definitely find that those $300-800 expenses come up more often than you’d like.

      Being a landlord has (knock on wood) been pretty easy so far. We had a tenant who was already there when we bought the house, who later moved out, and we were able to find replacements easily via Craigslist and reaching out to our network. Definitely be familiar with your local landlord-tenant ordinance.

      You have the right idea for renovating the kitchen. With all our renovations we have gone with pretty neutral, durable stuff (except for paint colors since those can be changed so easily). Think Ikea kitchens or something similar that is contemporary, durable, and as cheap as possible without being bad quality.

      The financials are just so good. The rental income covers our mortgage and then some, so we only pay $400/month (which includes putting extra $ toward the mortgage) for a 3br in a HCOL city. Granted, it is not the most modernized or glamorous house. But at this stage in our lives, it has enabled us to do so much financially (such as aggressively pay down student loans) that we would not otherwise have been able to do. I am very grateful that we have this house right now and very much feel like we made the right choice when I see friends who have similar incomes and other financial commitments feeling house-poor. I will be happy to move into a nicer place in a few years but I know this house is a stepping-stone to that.

  22. Anon

    If you’ve sold a house, how long did it take for your mortgage company to disgorge the excess in your escrow account? My mortgage is/was with some no-name company (it was sold early on) and I’d like my $4k of escrow funds sooner rather than later.

  23. Tax Q

    We recently got a letter from the IRS regarding our 2016 taxes– saying that we understated my husband’s income by a significant amount and we therefore owe about $3000 plus a $500 penalty. IRS claims that they received W2 information from my husband’s employer that was not reported on our return.

    We compared with the W2 that we actually received from his employer, and it does in fact match up with the lower number we reported on our taxes (so this isn’t a TurboTax data entry error on our part). However– we did some math and we think the higher number is at least in the ballpark, and the W2 we received might be incorrect for reasons I can’t really fathom.

    Do we simply dispute the IRS letter and attach the W2? Do we call my husband’s employer and figure out why they’re reporting differently to us and the IRS? Is this a situation where we need a tax lawyer? FWIW I am a lawyer but in a totally different field.

    • Murzle

      I had something similar for my 2015 taxes and I just resolved it about a month ago without hiring a tax lawyer. It happened when I was in law school and one of my prior summer internships listed me as an employee for a summer I wasn’t working there. The IRS said I owed about 6k plus a penalty. I first called the IRS on their help line and asked what kind of response they were looking for. It took forever to wait in the queue but they were really nice on the phone and explained everything to me. I then contacted my former employer’s accounting office to see what happened. It turned out that the accountant died unexpectedly right before tax season, so they copied all the info from the previous year thinking that was a quick fix. This led to a whole bunch of issues on their end so they were re-doing all of their information. I asked them to send me an email outlining this and I basically sent a formal letter to the IRS explaining this. I documented my contact with my former employer, attached their email as an exhibit, and explained how I interned somewhere else that summer and it was not feasible for me to work in two places at once. I also documented my earlier call with the IRS and who I talked to and the guidance they provided (they said they also made a note of it). There were a few letters back and forth but it was finally resolved without my owing anything. They did take issue with a few other things (asked me to provide receipts of my expenses for textbooks) so it looks like this issue caused them to inspect my return more closely. Thankfully I had access to this documentation so it was a non-issue, but be aware that flagging this discrepancy might trigger a more careful evaluation of your return. Good luck!

    • Scarlett

      Personally, I would hire an accountant not a lawyer (I’m presuming you did your own taxes, otherwise I’d just go back to your preparer for advice.) Accountants are well versed in these issues and deal with the IRS regularly. If you went to a mill to do your taxes, I’d find a good local accountant.

    • Diana Barry

      We got a letter like that (and it said we owed $20K!) and sent it to our accountant and they disputed it with the IRS for us. Good CPAs will do it for you.

    • Anonymous

      CPA here. Maybe the employer issued a corrected (amended) W-2 to the IRS but didn’t send you one for some reason….

      You don’t need a tax lawyer and this is something you can deal with yourself if you feel up to it. I would first contact the employer to find out if they did in fact issue an amended W-2. If they did, find out why an amended W-2 was necessary and confirm that the amended W-2 is in fact correct….compare to last pay stub of year. Maybe they forgot to include stock awards or something? If the amended W-2 is correct you will owe the additional tax and interest but may be able to get the penalty waived with a simple written request to the IRS. Contact a CPA if you need help.

      • Tax Q

        Thanks. We requested the W-2 from his employer since we couldn’t find our copy from last year, and it really was the amount we entered on our 1040. It’s really strange.

        My personal speculation: husband’s pay stubs, W-2, and employment documentation all say “Teapots LLC.” The letter from the IRS said we had unreported income from “Teapots Corp.” I think his employer might have accidentally processed some of his income as coming from the wrong entity, so they reported it to the IRS and never sent us a W-2 for it.

        I guess our first stop is finding out who is the appropriate person at his employer to email about this and see if they can figure out what happened. If I’m right, we may owe the tax, but I’d at least dispute the penalty since we never received the W-2.

  24. Anonymous

    I just got wind that my boss is possibly leaving…I wonder what this means for me.

  25. Anonymous

    Tips for traveling for work when sticking to keto or a similarly restrictive diet? Do you bring your own food? I don’t have to get on a plane fortunately.

      • Anon in NYC

        haha, I’m sure you mean to write “plain” salad, but I really love that it came out as “pain salad.” Because, honestly, some salads really are painful!

      • OP

        I should’ve been more clear – I’m anticipating some buffets or just pre-packaged meals – probably bagels for breakfast and sandwiches for lunch. Not so much ordering at a restaurant where I have more choice.

        • JuniorMinion

          I bring my own food – mostly easy stuff like protein bars / nuts / etc. Then I sneak off to eat it during a break if I really don’t think there will be anything to eat.

          Alternately if you have any sway with whoever is planning the meeting you could probably work with them. We’ve moved away from stuff like sandwiches in my work place towards things like salads / make your own pasta plate / taco bar type stuff that way people with dietary restrictions can make themselves whatever they want unobtrusively.

    • anon

      Not on a medically-required restrictive diet, but I’m a super picky eater. I generally just take something that looks like it will work, or make an excuse about how I hate to eat and present at the same time, or eat and take notes, or whatever. Then scarf a protein bar or whatever fits your diet after the meal when nobody is watching. It’s not ideal but it works for me.

    • Metallica

      Before any meetings in the morning I order alllllll the eggs and meat and coffee from room service and have a huge breakfast in my room. Then I pack a protein bar for lunch and grab a latte somewhere. I also have been known to bring protein powder (but chocolate, not vanilla, so TSA doesn’t think you’re carting a giant bag of blow.)

  26. Leadership Books?

    Need suggestions on leadership books, first 90 days, etc. Looking for things to read between old job and new job. I’m taking a new job, new firm, they are bringing me on a as a subject matter expert (not law). I want to go in there somewhat fired up. After having been at my current place 12 years, it’s time for a change and a new beginning, and I want to give a good first impression!

  27. Very Affordable Work Clothes

    Young professional with a really really limited income in a HCOL area. Ann Taylor/Loft-type style, but after shopping all the local outlets, have not had much luck. I work in a business casual, but more business, type of office and desperately want to look more professional. I am fairly young and want to up my presence and help my confidence. Particularly swapping out some sleeveless shells for shells with sleeves or adding blazers.

    A friend had recommended ThredUp (but not the goodiebox, she said that was a bust), so I have ordered a few Ann Taylor items, but curious if there are any other similar type of second-hand/lightly used websites that you have had good experiences with. Poshmark seemed really intimidating, so I would love any pointers if that is your suggestion.

    Thank you! I hope to one day completely update my wardrobe with well made items. For now, trying to be super professional on my itty bitty budget.

    • Anonymous

      You sound really similar to me. I’m also trying to change up my wardrobe to be better quality and more professional. It’s so hard! One thing I’m doing is gradually replacing my usual cardigans with blazers or jardigan styles. I feel more professional and less frumpy.

    • KateMiddletown

      One piece at a time. Concentrate on a few good blazers/jackets, which dress up everything. J Crew is probably right in line with your ideal – get a schoolboy blazer and wear it all the time (Factory version are fine.) You can definitely find one of these on Poshmark. Also, consignment stores are awesome for random finds – if you have a little more time than money you can do well. Just like advice people give re: furnishing a new place, don’t try to redo your whole wardrobe at once. Figure out what looks good on you and makes you feel confident.

    • Erin

      Do you have some time on your hands? When I was in your position, I worked at Ann Taylor a few weekends/month for the discount, and essentially spent all my earnings on a new wardrobe. You could also thrift / scour consignment shops locally, which is also time consuming.

      Focus on basic/staple pieces, like a black sheath, and invest there. Spend less accessorizing.

    • Anonymous

      You might consider eBay — I’m by no means an eBay expert but there have been a couple of beloved items that I owned (from Old Navy of all places) that I lost/destroyed and replaced them via eBay because they were older items no longer in stores. I find the search pretty intuitive and it’s like anything else — check the seller user reviews, are returns allowed, are the photos good and complete, are the descriptions scrupulous, etc.

    • Marshmallow

      I really like Poshmark but the key is filtering. Fill out the size information so you can filter for your own size, then try searching by brand. Definitely make an offer if you think an item is overpriced– I sell a lot on there, and I generally expect things will ultimately go for around 10% less than I’ve listed it for.

    • Anon

      Sign up for TJ Maxx emails – they’ll email you when they get new arrivals, so you can keep an eye out for work pieces in your size.

    • Anon

      I dressed almost entirely in $50 shift dresses from Marshalls and Nordstrom Rack as a young professional in DC. Lined CK dresses were my staple.

    • consignment!

      Yes, go to upscale consignment stores – especially if you live in a well off city or can drive to one on the weekend. I live in a small city, but drive to the more well off smaller towns surrounding my city to get the really good stuff. You are going to pay more than Goodwill, but they don’t accept stained, snagged, or stretched out clothes (or if they do, they mark it on the tag), so I find that it’s a lot easier to get what I really want. I dress so much better than my income level by doing this.

      I like Poshmark better for accessories than clothes, but I have a hard to fit body type, so I need to try things on before I buy them. It’s easier to find stuff if you know exactly what you’re looking for, rather than just browsing (for example, “Ann Taylor red floral shift dress size 8”, rather than “women’s dresses”)

    • Brit

      Use Yelp to find the really good consignment shops in your area. I also live in a HCOL area. I can well afford to spend more on clothes at this point, but WHY when I can buy:

      – a cashmere woven suit by Helmut Lang for $52;
      – a Loro Piana ribbed cashmere sweater blazer for $18;
      – an Akris tweed and leather blazer for $80.

      Those were my finds at one place just last Friday!

      • Grumpy

        This always seems like a good idea, but in my experience these places always have hours like 10 am – 5 pm on 3 or 4 weekdays, and noon to four pm every other Saturday, just when I finally have time to get together with my friends.

        I just decided those places don’t want me to shop there. Obviously, I hope your experience is better than mine….

  28. Taking Classes

    What does everyone think of Coursera? I discovered it initially through a university I’m interested in attending for my master’s degree. They advertised this course on the program’s website and didn’t mention Coursera until you clicked into it. I was excited that I could “try out” the university by taking this course and also getting back into the swing of studying, etc. What I didn’t realize was that Coursera offers many courses through different universities and further research seems to suggest some people view it as a scam. I understand that I wouldn’t be getting actual college credits but do these courses hold any weight at all? I don’t want to fall into the whole diploma mill industry.

  29. Wedges

    What are your favorite comfortable dress wedges in the 2.5″ to 4″ range? My pants are much too long for the wedges I have now, but I sometimes wear them with my 3″ heels, so I don’t want to get the pants hemmed.

    • Erin

      not sure if they are dressy enough but I have the cole haan air talias and love them.

    • Anonymous

      Naturalizer Emily wedge pump. Higher heel, comfortable — they are my “statehouse shoes.” Search on Zappos (but they are sold all over).

    • Baconpancakes

      Apologies if these are only 2″ (can’t remember) but I know Clarks makes a higher heel wedge, and their lower wedges are ridiculously comfortable.

  30. Anonymous

    After 25 years of harassment at a number of workplaces I finally pushed my shoulder against someone who put his arm around me for the second time. I didn’t say a word. The look on his face was – how do you put it – surprised/upset who knows? I need to get this off my chest. Hive, can you support me? Thanks everyone.

    • anony

      Good for you! I wish I had had the courage in the past to do something. Don’t forget to also document the occurrence for yourself.

    • cbackson

      You did the right thing. He’s taken aback because he was expecting to get away with pushing a boundary again. He might be upset, but it’s okay for him to be upset, because he did something wrong and got caught out.

    • In my experience

      He put his arm around you? That can be considered assault, I believe? So what you did was definitely self-defense, and a good move as far as I’m concerned. Go you. Keep it up!

  31. Anon

    I seem to have collected a lot of blue suits in recent years and I am now seeing them everywhere. Is everyone wearing a blue suit to job interviews right now? I want to look professional, but not exactly like everyone else.

    • Anon

      Show off with a pretty blouse and your killer qualifications, not a colored suit. I don’t know how blue you mean, but anything more than navy is too much for an interview IMO.

      • Anon

        I have a navy one, a slate blue, and one in between those colors. Nothing bright.

  32. Rainbow Hair

    Does anyone have any stories/advice about making your neighborhood more neighborly? My brother/sister-in-law have the kind of neighbors you could call on to watch your kid in an emergency, and who swing by for a beer on the porch on a summer evening. I envy that and would love to have a more neighborly neighborhood like that!

    On my block there are at least four families with kids, and I’ve heard that there used to be block parties etc. — my first plan was to recruit the other parents I know to see if they’re interested in working together to bring back an annual block party.

    Any other thoughts? Success story?

    • Anonymous

      We periodically have very casual happy hours (literally just a six-pack or two on someone’s deck) that are announced by e-mail earlier in the week (for Fridays after work), particularly when it is warm out (April-Nov where I live). There is a flag we fly that says “come by for a drink” and we share it among neighbors who are feeling like hosting.

    • avocado

      How about starting with a casual play date at the park or in the backyard, or an invitation to ride scooters/trikes/bikes together?

      • Anonymous

        This. We suggested/started a group text and whenever one of the families is taking their kids biking/hopscotching/whatever in the park nearby, a quick text makes it easy for other families to join. Sometimes it turns into cookies (beer for adults) in someone’s backyard afterwards.

        key is casual, low-key, informal.

    • Erin

      Our neighborhood has an email list. We don’t do much, but there is an annual block party (the folks on the cul de sac are The Official Organizers but it’s really simple: pick a date, tell everyone to RSVP with $20 per family by X date, do a grocery run for beer, burgers/dogs and wine. Designate a few people to drag their grills out. Assign Street A salads, Street B appetizers and Street C desserts. Buy name tags.

      We always have a Bike Decorating Contest where kinds (0-20++) come with blinged out bikes and do a “bike rally” and bike parade, after which slightly tipsy parents present all participants with some Certificate of Greatness (“fastest green bike” “sparkiliest bike ridden by someone over age 16” etc.). There is a karoke machine that results in many many young kids belting out Frozen. It’s fun and I wish we did it more often.

      Some years people get more into it- renting a bounce house for the kids, Sometimes we have older kids sign up to do little activities with the younger kids. One year one of the neighborhood kids was in a band, so we hired them to play for us.

      Other than the block party, we generally don’t use the neighborhood email list for much–there’s also a town facebook group for all the Mega Neighborhoods (like sections of town– maybe 2-3 per elementary school?) and there’s a lot of posting on that.

    • Cat

      Spend more time in your front yard / riding along the sidewalk, as opposed to in your back yard. Allows natural casual chatting.

    • Anon

      So, I’m That Person who always organizes the neighborhood. Just go for it! Memorial Day coming up is a great time to start. I order cheesy invitations on Vistaprint and walk around to each house and ring their doorbell and invite them. The invite is good for putting on the fridge and the introduction is good so people know you’re friendly. For Memorial Day, do something where you do the grilling and tell others to bring sides and desserts to share. On 3 day weekends like this, I find it’s best to do them on the Sunday around 5 – parents with kids can show up and get home. Have sidewalk chalk, bubbles, bean bags, etc for kids. Big coolers of ice with adult beverages in one and NA beverages in another and you’re all set! Oh, and bug spray.

      • pugsnbourbon

        When I was growing up, my mother would organize an annual neighborhood yard sale. I don’t think it was a ton of work and it helped neighbors get out and meet one another.

    • Patio Time

      Second spending more time in your front yard! Last summer my husband and I cleared out an oversized flower bed area and turned it into a flagstone patio. Now when we let the kids go out to play we sit on our patio and inevitably neighbors will stop by. We’ve gotten to know lots of our neighbors this way – so much that the kids playing outside and the adults enjoying “thirsty thursday” on the patio is now a loved tradition. :)

    • anon

      Our block has collected emails of folks over the years, and the chain is used to organize a “Progressive Dinner” every year, in addition to a block party. We also ask each other for referrals (eg. Can anyone recommend a plumber?).

      The Progressive Dinner is a potluck, where one house hosts the drinks + apps, then you move to a second house for the Main course (usually cooked by that house), and then the last house for desert. Everyone signs up to bring a salad/side dish/App or desert. It works well, and everyone looks forward to it.

      Definitely hanging out on your porch with your kids playing outside occasionally is a great thing.

  33. Second Day Hair

    One day I will do a list of all the life hacks I have learned from this site, but today focused on second day hair. Until I learned better (ahem) I was washing my hair daily. I have now gone to an every-other day schedule and sometimes skip entire weekends – I know, living dangerously.
    My question – how do you all style your second day hair? I don’t need (or really like) dry shampoo, but my pretty thick, fairly curly hair looks a bit bedraggled on Day 2, no doubt from sleeping on it. it is the shape I am concerned with, not the cleanliness. Do you style your hair with tools on Day 2? My normal routine is simply to dry with a hair brush. Do you wet your hair on Day 2, but not shampoo? I looked at the hot air brushes, but I don’t think they would do anything to totally dry hair. Would appreciate any ideas – I love the freedom of every other day shampooing, but feel like I don’t look quite as polished as I do on Day 1.

    • K

      I dry shampoo and put it in a ponytail or bun. My hair is fine and straight, though.

    • Cookbooks

      I’m usually lazy and after Day 1, I just pull my curls into a bun and wear like that until wash day (I wash twice a week). But if I find that on Day 2, my curls don’t looks too squashed and out of shape, spritzing some water with a spray bottle and then working in some product usually does the trick. You may have to work with some curls individually if they’re stubborn, and if your hair runs dry, you could add a leave in conditioner to the water. Fluff things up a little if you need some volume, but then don’t touch! Avoid that frizz!

    • Another Anon

      I kinda run my wet hands through it in the shower so it doesn’t get fully wet but it gets slightly damp from the shower spray and my hands, and then when I get out of the shower, I use my hands to kind of fluff it up and reshape it.

    • Curly Lady

      Do you wear your hair curly? I do, and I either sleep on a silk pillowcase or with a silk bonnet on (if my pillowcase is dirty or I’m out of town). This helps my curls tremendously. I just put some oil on to smooth the frizzies in the morning and go. I don’t wet it on the second day or I’d still have to use all the styling products and diffuser, so it would be just as much hassle as washing.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know that this is particularly stylish, but I pull my hair back in a simple barrette. I’ll reply with a link to an example. My hair is super fine and shows oil very easily, even with dry shampoo. The barrette holds everything in place so the oil isn’t as obvious. The linked brand does a pretty good job of staying in; I can’t put my dry hair in a bun because it just slips out.

    • Wash the Top

      I style mine parted down the middle with big curls. My second day method is washing the very top of my hair by parting a very very small section from the front all the way to the back of my head. The rest is put up in a bun until I dry the small section. Then I style like I normally would.

      I have very dark hair so most dry shampoos end up looking like dandruff. People always compliment my hair. Even when the bottom layer is on day four or five. Haha.

    • Torin

      Silk pillowcase, for sure. Day 2 and 3 hair doesn’t look as polished, but is still perfectly acceptable. Sometimes Day 3 is a bun or headband day. For reference, I have type 3 curls, and wash it every Monday and Thursday morning. It invariably looks awful on Sunday but I’m almost never trying to impress anyone on Sunday and don’t care.

      I’m not sure from your comment if you’re brushing your curls, but I would stop doing that too if you are.

    • K

      I have naturally wavy/curly hair that actually looks better on day 2 when I wear it curly. I usually wet it with my hands at the sink or spray some water on it just to dampen it and reactivate some of the product. Then scrunch and let air dry.

    • Anonymous

      A silk pillowcase has been a game changer for me. My hair keeps it shape much better and just looks less slept on when I wake up.

      • Anon

        Along with silk pillowcase, if you pineapple at night with a satin scarf (see youtube tutorials) you might be able to get day 3 and 4 hair looking just as good. It essentially lifts your hair so you sleep on the underside of your hair while the curls stay intact with minimal movement.

    • Dahlia

      Wash day- blow out
      Day 2- curling iron to do a few big section curls (big sections so its fast and they come out more like waves. Takes <10 mins total)
      Day 3- pony (I brush out those waves and a low pony looks good)
      Day 4- bun because nothing else will look good. Sometimes I skip this day and go to wash day here.
      Day 5 is wash day again (repeat)

  34. Tory Burch

    Is TB a brand that you would consider “worth it?” I found a great pair of wedges at the rack, but they’re still ridiculously expensive for a pair of black wedges (~$180 originally ~$280). I get the label is a big part of it, but does it read expensive or country club, and do they tend to hold up as well as Cole Haan or similar?

    • Anonymous

      My understanding is that they are not worth the money – you’re paying for the brand. Cole Haans will do better.

    • Anonymous

      I bought a pair of Tory Burch pumps on a steep discount and liked the construction (leather lining, which I vastly prefer to synthetic lining), and wore it for four hours thinking it was decently comfortable.

      • Anonymous

        I’m Anonymous right above and have several pairs of Cole Haan pumps, and at least one pair (think it’s called Bethany?) was far from comfortable, so you never know until you try :)

  35. WWYD?

    I’m likely to get an offer for a new job that will require me to move to the other side of the world. It sounds like a fascinating opportunity, and I would consider getting the offer to be an honor.
    BUT: I’m in my late 30s and single. I haven’t given up on the desire to be happily coupled. I’m concerned that taking this job would be a significant step away from that pursuit. I’m also struggling with taking such a definitive step away from the safe and predictable life I thought I’d have (married, 2 kids, in the suburbs), even though, TBH, I’ve never really wanted that life. There is a LOT of family pressure to follow that traditional path.
    Not sure what I’m asking – maybe for a bunch of internet strangers I respect to tell me that it’s okay to pursue this opportunity (if I get it). WWYD?

    • annon

      What’s to say that if you stayed where you were, that prince charming, the 2.5 kids, minvan and home is the suburbs would materialize?

      • Tara

        It hasn’t so far but she’s thinking she will never find an eligible man in “Zimbabwe” or whatever god awful place she’s applying to. If she ever needs a last ditch opportunity to have kids and avoid spinsterdom, it’s now, here in the great USA. I say wait a maximum of 5 more years and if there’s still nothing for you here, then go. You will likely be beyond child bearing age and may well meet a man there, albeit for purely recreational (as opposed to procreational) activities.

        • annon

          Yeah, and the 1800’s is calling…it wants the term “spinster” back. Seriously, when people use this word, it says more about themselves than the woman they are applying it to!!

        • Idea

          Yeah, hang out here with this awesome person who’s clearly so happy with her life…. RUN AWAY! Take the rest of us with you, away from her! PLEASE!

    • annon

      Yeah, live your life, not the life that your relatives think you should live. Also, living half way across the world lessens the impact that parochial, conservative relatives have on you. Ask me how I know this?

    • Anonymous

      Where are you moving to? Is there a reason why you wouldn’t have the life you wanted in the new place?

    • Anonymous

      That sounds like an amazing opportunity. Think of it this way: if you were saddled with a husband and kids, you could never move across the world for a new job. PLUS you get to meet foreign men!!!

    • annon

      Is this new opportunity on the planet Mars? If not, I presume there are plenty of men in the community that you are moving to…what’s to prevent you from dating and marrying there?

    • KKRvF

      I have met my most kindred spirits while “halfway across the world”. I think you are crazy to turn down a job you would otherwise want but for other’s expectations of you, especially since you don’t necessarily want that. People half way around the world couple and I have found it MUCH easier to meet the best friends of my life in that situation. Go for it! We just came back from an international posting and 99.9% of the parents at our private school met in Singapore, Marseille, London or some other corner of the world. It is a great way to meet fascinating, like-minded people.

    • Anonymous

      I met DH ‘half way around the world’. Two years later we moved back to my hometown (even though his country is wealthier than the US) and had babies. Depends on where you are going and whether you make an effort to meet lots of people when you are there. Might meet an expat or you might find you’d be perfectly happy with a life and family in new country. We’re retiring back to DH’s country because I want to avoid the US medical system.

    • Brit

      Oh man, I have been there. It is not as simple as “there are men everywhere!”

      Have you spent any time in what would be your target city? Four years ago, I accepted a temporary position in an international city that sounded so glamorous. If the offer had been for a permanent position, I am SURE that I would have accepted it.

      Now I have done several stints in that city over the last 4 years. I love the visits, but I would not move there in a million years as a single person. This particular city is basically a business hub where everybody flies “home” on the weekends. There is almost no real community; this city becomes an eerie ghost town.

      Does this city have a good expat community, and a solid sense of community? What can you find online re: the local dating scene there? Is it a place where any ex-pat man can bed a different hot 20-something local every month? If so, they won’t have any interest in us Olds (I am 37), no matter how good-looking you are and the other qualities you possess.

    • Jules

      And who’s to say you won’t meet a person from that part of the world, or a fellow expat? (The Sunday Times “Vows” section shows plenty people who met when one or both of them was working overseas.)

      You don’t know what your personal life will look like either way, but if this is otherwise something you want to do you should do it!

    • Friend Found Her SO Abroad

      My good friend found her now husband while living in a very remote part of an African country. He was also an expat. They are now happily married and decided to quit their jobs and travel around the world working locally and volunteering to pay whatever little costs they had. It sounds like a TOTAL blast. She grew up as a third-culture kid, so the conventional thing was not really for her.

      Her friends in the program also found SOs and some were local. I think both desires are compatible, but you should not delay an opportunity in hopes of meeting a guy! You never know what will happen. Plus, as someone who lived extensively outside the US, some countries are super awesome and a lot more fun to live in. You might just end up an expat, married to a local, living it up in new country.

  36. burnt out or over it?

    similar to the question re burnout above, but would be interested in how anyone is able to distinguish between chronic burnout versus just not liking the job. i’ve been practicing in biglaw for 9 years and just found out i’ll make equity partner at the end of this year. almost immediately thereafter my motivation levels dropped precipitously as did my ability to handle anxiety / stress re the job. i don’t want to go in house or shift to a new firm because i generally like the flexibility of the firm i work at, but the internal political winds are shifting and encroaching on the ability to work from home.

    for background, i’m married and we’ve waited several years to have kids until i made partner. we’re “trying” now which has also been a struggle as i’ve been on 70+ hour weeks during my last several cycles. add that to the travel and it’s just been a pretty crushing slog for a few months.

    all in all, just wondering if the long hours and negative head space is the new norm / worth it or if i’m just going through a phase and should stick it out now that i’ve “made it.”

    • Anon

      Do you want to be partner? Yes, you reached the societal expectation, but is it what you want?

      If you can find a way, take a week’s vacation and get the headspace to really ID what you want and what’s bothering you about your job.

  37. Anonymous

    Having a rough day, trying to not lose my sh*t at work. Does anyone else have a co-worker they hate? This chick takes credit for everything I do and management loves her fake ass. She never completes work and is never held accountable. I gave her some attitude today and it felt great…just can’t handle the situation anymore but I don’t want to leave my job…someone give me something, I can’t have wine till I get home!

    • R

      UGH I feel you. One of my coworkers is insufferable. We got hired at the same time and do the same job for different projects. But he knows that he knows more than I do about our industry. We are entry level, he did internships in our industry while I did my internships in an adjacent industry, but the skills are obviously transferable. So he LOVES to flaunt when he knows something that I don’t.

      I’m sorry your coworker is so awful!

  38. Anonymous

    Does anyone else feel like job interviewing is a game of just telling the employer what you think they want to hear? I always walk away feeling kind of icky and like I’m leading them on. I know everyone always says “be yourself”, but that seems to never work….

    • Anonymous

      To a degree, yes, and I really struggle with impostor syndrome when it comes to interviews. On the other hand, I really try to keep in mind that interviews should be two-way streets – I’m not just selling myself, the potential company should be trying to attract me too.

      • Anonymous

        I am interviewing a ton and see this – I walk away having been eviscerated about my choices, how I handle conflict, etc. but really no idea of what the job entails. And “being yourself” is hard when you are quiet and introverted. Make sure it’s a two way street and ask questions.

    • Houda

      I am interviewing a ton and see this – I walk away having been eviscerated about my choices, how I handle conflict, etc. but really no idea of what the job entails. And “being yourself” is hard when you are quiet and introverted. Make sure it’s a two way street and ask questions.

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