Coffee Break: Legal-Size Padfolio

97 Comments

1. My firm recently created a LGBTQ affinity group, and I am wondering whether it’s open to allies. The email announcement said that the group will “provide fellowship, educational, and networking opportunities for firm attorneys and staff who self-identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer, or who are interested in issues affecting the LGBTQ community.” I don’t personally identify as LGBTQ, but I have close family members who do and I joined the LGBTQ group in law school. Since this one seems to be more mentor-focused, is it appropriate to join as an ally?

   1. Most likely, yes given their description but it never hurts to ask.

      1. Yes, and when you ask I think you can literally use the last two sentences of your post here.

   2. Probably not. The majority owns the world. The oddballs need time and space to air their issues without you listening. Why would you even want the taint of being supportive of them?!

      1. Huh? If this is sarcasm it’s not good sarcasm.

         1. It’s a troll.

         2. Dont feed the trolls

      2. Troll alert. Guys move on without responding.

      3. Yes because anyone who isn’t falling all over themselves to support these lifestyles MUST be a troll.

         1. It’s not a lifestyle. It’s an innate part of who LGBT people are as human beings.

         2. +1,000,000

   3. They can’t stop you because that would be discriminatory, but you would probably stand out like a sore thumb.

   4. I would not join. I’m sure they would welcome you but it sounds like it’s not really for allies.

      1. Then why even include “or who are interested in issues affecting the LGBTQ community”? OP, go to a meeting if you want to. If you feel unwelcome, don’t go again.

   5. From the description since you’re interested in issues affecting the LGBTQ community you’re in, but it is also valuable for people whose identities can be marginalised to have a group that’s just for them. Why not reach out to whoever is running it and see what they think? There might be particular meetings or events it would be especially appropriate for you to get involved in as an ally while still respecting their space. I think it’s good of you to ask! (I’m B, if that matters.)

   6. It’s probably open to you to avoid discrimination claims by non-LGBTQ. You might show support by attending events put on by the group (if there are any)? Just a thought.

   7. I would say that “who are interested in issues affecting the LGBTQ community” is aimed at including allies. But I would email the organizer and note that you’re not LGBTQ and interested in being involved in whatever capacity that they see allies being involved. It may be that some aspect are just for LGBTQ+ members and other events will involve allies as well.

   8. My first thought is they have the disclaimer to avoid discrimination. But I think its worthwhile reaching out to the leader and saying you are happy to champion LGBTQ issues however appropriate. For instance, at my firm we had two single-stall bathrooms, one with a Men and the other with a Woman sign. After hearing from some LGBTQ coworkers that we should just make them gender neutral, I joined in writing a proposal to management. It was a super easy sign change (they put up a M/F/handicapped sign as the 2 bathrooms are both handicap accessible), and I was happy to be a good ally there so it wasn’t marginalized as “just” an LGBTQ issue. There may be similar opportunities to support your LGBTQ coworkers with policy change, professional development opportunities, etc.

   9. “who are interested in issues affecting the LGBTQ community”

      It sounds like you fit the bill in that regard, but if you’re really unsure, you can ask! If you are welcome to join, your friend would probably be glad you reached out and made sure to respect the group’s boundaries.

   10. This is tricky. I’ve been a member of various professional groups for my racial background. I have never been a member of a group that would exclude someone for not being in that group, even someone who was asking point blank about opportunities for allies. But not all groups have been the same. Some have included all people (just as it’s great to have men involved in women-oriented groups, you don’t want a professional organization pushing for better opportunities for employees of color to be comprised only of minority attorneys). But some have served as more social/venting spaces and I do feel that people’s ability to speak candidly was sometimes a function of the composition of the room.

       If you have a close friend who is involved, I’d reach out and try to figure out what’s up. But I still would plan on taking a back seat depending on the nature of the event. A panel about workplace issues seems like a fine opportunity for allyship, a networking event or an inter-firm mentorship program does not.

       1. I just got a chance to read Corporete today — I am way to busy but did want to add to this thread. I think it is great that there can be people to identify with and support a cause like LBGT, even if they are not themselves. That is what makes us different in the USA. We do NOT have to conform to something in order to support other’s right to say/do something. I would have more to say, but I am tired, and want to read more posts rather then commenting today. Bear with me as I get through this very LONG day! FOOEY!

2. We’ve had a lot of posts lately about beauty tips and the discussions have moved towards doing stuff if we enjoy it and not just to be appealing to the male gaze. I think Rainbow Hair even made a nice post a week or two ago about how the current fashion being featured is weird but at least it’s not geared towards being sexy to men.

   This made me wonder, for readers that are not heterosexual, what are the dynamics for “looking good” to get or keep a mate? Is dressing to look attractive to another woman completely different from dressing to look attractive to a straight man?

   Beauty standards fascinate me. We can all be are own worst critics and I’m just wondering how things work on the other side of the dating pool.

   As an example, we discussed shaving legs today. I feel very unsexy when I’ve gone weeks without shaving my legs. I’ll shave them in anticipation of a night of gardening with my husband. While I do that so I feel sexy, I’m sure my personal judgment of myself comes from the expectation of what we are or are not supposed to do to look hot. I’m particularly curious if the things you do to feel sexy for yourself is completely different when your partner is same sex.

   1. Huh. This can be complicated and like most things it depends. One thing that can be a problem is that looking like you conform to traditionally beauty norms too closely can make you read as less gay which makes it hard to “attract” someone just walking around (search “femme invisibility). It can make masculine of center women question your sexuality which is very annoying. I think its less true now than formerly , but it’s definitely a thing. I’m pretty much uniformly pass for straight and will curl my lashes and wear mascara for instance if I want to look special but would never think of it as a prerequisite to looking or feeling s*xy and it’s possible it’s something that would undermine me in some community spaces. I happen to be attracted to women who float back and forth across the masc/femme line and am just as excited when my wife goes up a level on the clippers at her hairdressers as when she wears a pencil skirt though I guess the masc of center stuff has more impact because I am not as inundated with it? Body hair in particular is interesting. I almost never shave under my arms and rarely my legs. I have actually gone to the lesbian volley ball tournament on Fire island with probably six months of growth on my legs shamelessly with higher femme queer friends who were waxed within an inch of their lives. I don’t shave mostly out of laziness but body hair is a signifier so sometimes it’s a feature and not a bug?

      1. Thanks for responding. I really appreciate your time!

   2. As a lesbian reader, I do think dressing to attract women is a little different than dressing to attract men, because so much of it is about dressing in a way that signals to women who are “in the know” that you’re potentially interested. Personally, I still haven’t cracked this code at all, but I would say that in my experience, my lesbian friends feel more at liberty to incorporate edgier elements into their personal style than my straight friends (without ever thinking that it might cost them in the dating department).

      That being said, I’m not sure the things I personally do to feel sexy are all that different than what a straight woman would do. I 100% identify with what you say about shaving, I like lingerie (as long as it’s not too lacy). Of course I know other gay women who feel differently, but I don’t think the determining factor is the gender of the people you’re dating. I think perhaps it’s because most of us internalize beauty norms, and decide what our relationship to them is going to be, long before we start getting into serious relationships? That’s how it was for me, in any case.

      1. Yeah, I was still raised with American culture and beauty standards and so on. I’m still trying to “look nice” to attract someone–but yes that’s probably a bit different than if I were straight. There’s more options–personally I am likely to dress up not super different from most straight women I know–maybe less likely to wear heels (since most girls are my height or shorter, and I’m lazy and getting old–I wore them more when I was younger). But obviously someone could also dress in men’s clothes and have short hair and still “look nice” to attract someone! And what Anonymous said about signaling–very true–I rather doubt as a straight woman I’d keep a big part of the side of my head shaved! There’s probably more of a willingness to accept a wider variety of other standards as well (like body hair, or makeup) but it’s so individual based on what you’re looking for and what you think the people you’re looking for are looking for?? I wear makeup. The girls I date usually don’t. Really hard to generalize.

   3. It’s interesting, the combination/intersection of “looking hot” and flagging yourself. (Bi here, and pretty femme, so uh, I just stuck a rainbow pin on my backpack/relied on friends to tell crushes that ‘maybe RH is interested…’/being in queer spaces/fruitlessly hoping/frustration.)

      When my style was more rockabilly/pinup or punky, women were more likely to think I might be interested. [wistful sigh] Maybe just because my clothes communicated more clearly that I was … something?… “not ~normal~”? But what I find hot in me is not a look I want to make out with – I think other people should think I’m s3xy but I am not attracted to women who are doing the same gender/style thing as me. Usually.

3. Any recommendation for a career coach who had experience in biglaw? There seems to be a lot who specialize on helping attorneys leave the law. I’m more interested in the ones that specialize on keeping attorneys, specifically female minority attorneys, in biglaw.

   1. Betsy Munnell

4. I got myself an Apple Watch a few weeks ago after a particularly grueling work period finally concluded. So far I’m pretty enamored of it. What are your favorite things to use your watch for? I’m enjoying the fitness tracking features, for sure, and I like taking it on a run and leaving my phone at home. The most surprising and awesome feature was learning that my work authenticator has a Watch app, so I can accept pushes on my watch instead of entering a six digit pin on my phone and doing it that way. (Not like I would have bought a pricey watch for that feature but was a pretty awesome thing to learn!)

   What are your favorite Apple Watch tips, tricks, or apps?

   1. I don’t have one but if I did I would set up Apple Pay on it. I saw a woman paying for her Starbucks with her watch and I was impressed.

      1. People can steal your credit card information very easily if you enable this.

         1. Is it any easier to steal cc info from the Watch than the phone? Just wondering if I should close out of Apple Pay altogether.

         2. How? My understanding is that Apple Pay generates a new, one time use, number with each transaction, making it more secure than using a physical credit card. Does it not work this way?

            1. +1 Credit card companies all seem to be moving towards ApplePay type of authentication and away from chip/chip and pin. This is the first time I have heard this, so I’m definitely interested.

   2. CommuterBuddy. It’s a Chicago CTA transit tracker – so really useful only to Chicago transit commuters – but awesome for me!

5. I have just joined WW online. Any tips for this newbie, who happens to be a vegetarian and doesn’t eat fish? I am hoping this will give me the kickstart I need. Thanks!

   1. Connect. It’s amazing and uplifting and such the inspiration you need on down days.

   2. Input all of your frequently used receipes into the WW recipe builder thingy so you can just click on them to count the points when you eat them. If a favorite is coming up higher in points then you’d like, check out the WW recipes section for their version to see if that works for you.

      When I did WW I focused on eating whole foods and didn’t eat anything with asparatime/sucralose but that’s not required under the program. It just felt healthier. Except for diet coke, I couldn’t give that up entirely.

   3. I have found browsing the recipes to be helpful, especially when some of my go-tos don’t seem worth the points.

      Connect is really great, too – honestly, I feel like I might have either given up or been more lax about tracking if it wasn’t there.

      Beans will be your friend as a vegetarian, I think!

6. Any recs for doctors in Atlanta? I need them all – primary, ob/gyn, derm, dentist. I’m south of Emory, so that area would be best.

   1. I adore dentist Dr. Nancy Stewart. I am happy with Atl Gyn & OB (Dr. Bonk but I see NPs most of the time), but note that I haven’t had anything but annuals there. Both are located near each other and not far from Emory.

      1. I’ve also been happy with Emory dermatology. Have seen multiple people there over time, but mostly in the Accutane clinic, which seems to be its own group.

   2. Ob/gyn – Katie Babaliaros at Peachtree Women’s Specialists

      Derm- Anna Pare at Dermatology Consultants

   3. Primary: Dr. Singh at Atlanta Center for Medicine
      Second the rec for dentist Nancy Stewart
      Ob/gyn: Dr. Mandeville at Atlanta Gynecology & Ob
      Derm: Dermatology Associates of Georgia

      All these are near Emory.

7. I did my first GMAT exam a few hours ago and absolutely tanked it. Feeling rather low right now, especially because my best friend on Friday received her acceptance letter from her target school. I know I have to get myself up and back on that B-school application track, but right now I have no strength.

   Words of advise, and lessons from ‘rettes who’ve experienced similar hurdles in their careers (with GMAT, LSATs, rejection offers) will be appreciated. Ditto, tips on how to prepare while working full time.

   1. I’m not a great example for your goals, but I did poorly on the quant portion of the GMAT and then decided I didnt’ really need B-School. It would have helped open doors at one point but not anymore.

      1. Your comment made me smile.

   2. I did poorly on a practice test the day before I took the GMAT, and was very happy with my results on the real test (top 3 b-school). It’s my opinion that the practice tests are set up for you to do poorly to take more of them.

      But hugs! And you can take it again!

      1. I plan to take it again in two months. My low score was oddly better than any I ever got in practice tests too. Hopefully with more practice it gets easier. I had only done the two OG practice tests before today. Now I know to look for more resources.

         1. Sounds like you just need a lot more practice! I don’t think two practice tests is enough for any big standardized test.

   3. I took the LSAT, scored in the 60th percentile, and applied to law schools anyway. I wasn’t pleased with any of my law school options so I retook it 6 months later. I scored in the 90th percentile and received a huge scholarship to law school. You never know!

   4. Set aside time every day (or every other day) specifically to practice. E.g., 7-8PM every night. I had a 80 hour a week job while I was studying and I would just force myself to do 1 hour of prep every night before going back to my emails. Also, assuming you are not actually deficient in math skills (so it’s not a lack of understanding what to do), I found that constant repetition of practice tests was helpful. It wasn’t that I didn’t know how to do algebra – it was that I wasn’t used to doing it in the time allotted.

      1. Oh, and I took it twice. Second time after doing the more structured practicing, and got a much better percentile.

         1. Thank you BB. As you aptly mentioned,I don’t suck as much in the quants, but today while working a word problem my mind froze. I could recall myself working similar problems but I absolutely, in the moment, did not know what to do.

            1. I totally empathize! I cannot for the life of me remember what the study guide I used was called, but it broke the quant section into drills vs. full practice problems. I found that way more useful and did like 30 minutes of drills every night for 2 weeks before the test. Good luck! (Oh, and as someone said above, even the worst worst case scenario where you never get your MBA is not the end of the world…it’s not strictly necessary for any business job!)

   5. You mentioned OG so I assume you’re only using the official GMAT guides? Don’t. I started with those until I realized they weren’t preparing me adequately. I then used Magoosh and Manhattan GMAT and was pretty satisfied the score jump from my earlier practice tests after 2-3 months of study.

8. Curious if anyone has tried any kind of PT for pelvic floor issues. Over the weekend I had some, uh, leakage (?) when I was doing strenuous athletic activity. Probably most athletic activity I’ve done since baby #2. I do not want to have to use depends any sooner than I have to!

   And yes, I’ll bring it up with an actual doctor at my next annual.

   1. Yes, I go. I started wetting my pants pretty badly after getting Lyme Disease (yeah, it happens!) and they helped tremendously. I have gone to two hospital ones and one private pay. The private pay one was 60 dollars for a half hr (consult appt is more) and if you go to one that has hour appts, it tends to be twice that.

   2. Yes. I landed with PT specializing in post-partum issues due to diastasis recti, but that’s also covered. For the most part, that issue is resolved with kegel exercises, so you can start now on your own. I do encourage you to get the referral at your next visit, although IME PT specializing in post-partum issues are not as common as they should be.

      1. How did the PT help with diastasis recti? I started to see a PT for this, but dropped off from going.

   3. It’s the most life changing thing ever. Do it. Being able to laugh/exercise without peeing is amazing. Depends on your doctor, but with mine I just left a message with the nurse about what was happening and my Doctor issued the referral without me having to go in. Best of luck!

   4. Yes! My gyn sent me to pelvic floor PT a few years ago to address pelvic pain – essentially I was carrying tension in my pelvic floor muscles the way a lot of people carry tension in their shoulders or neck. The physical therapist was able to help me identify the problem areas and taught me how to release that tension (think doing the opposite of Kegels) as well as strengthen my pelvic floor to prevent future injury and pain. PT relieved my pain and taught me a lot about my anatomy – completely worth the few sessions it took. I had never heard of pelvic floor PT before that and am so glad that my doctor knew it was an option and recommended it for me.

   5. Yes! I did not need a referral under my health insurance coverage, and I did a month’s worth of sessions twice a week. Other than my initial evaluation and my final evaluation, it was mostly regular PT exercises with clenching of my pelvic floor muscles. I didn’t have to see a specialist outside of the initial to visit so it was very easy to schedule, although my PF PT was awesome so I tried to see her when our schedules worked for the regularl non-eval sessions. I went because of leakage. I was in my 30s and do not have children FWIW.

   6. Yes for for abdominal spasms and then associated problems caused by unequal hip structures. It was life-altering and cannot think why I have never done it before or had it recommended. (Ah – yes, too much work and too many family demands.) 18 months later I am still doing the exercises daily.

9. Can anyone suggest a good spot for Mother’s Day brunch near the Kennedy Center in DC? Thank you!

   1. Fishers Farmers and Bakers? Not the greatest food in the world, but it’s an easy walk along the river to the KC. I like it better than Founding Farmers. Fiola Mare is also a classic although doesn’t strike me as brunch-y.

      1. I had one of the best meals of my life at brunch at Fiola Mare. We mentioned the occasion we were celebrating when we made the reservation and we’re totally spoiled by the staff. Incredible food, beautiful view (sit outside!). Loved it. But agree we ate fish, not eggs.

   2. Avoid FFB and FF, for many reasons (including meh food, and even meh-er service). They are currently being sued for some pretty icky wage and hour violations, if that matters to you (it does to me).

      The kitchen brunch at the Kennedy Center is pretty fun and dazzling, though!

      Or, use this map to decide what works best for you (the Kennedy Center is in a bit of a dining desert): http://bitcheswhobrunch.com/brunch-map/

   3. Kennedy Center rooftop brunch or Sequoia on Georgetown waterfront.

10. Favorite jeans for 8P with small waist, large bottom, and thick legs (thigh/calf)? $150 price limit, but obviously happy to spend less.

    I really hate shopping but desperately need new jeans.

    1. I have really had great luck with the Gap skinny curvy jeans, if you’re looking for skinnies. The waist-to-hip ratio fit me really well, even without tailoring

       1. I have to try these, tho I have not been thrilled with the quality there. My tuchus is large, but my waist is small, meaning that I have a shelf. I do have thicker legs b/c of this and as a result, they are stubby. FOOEY!

11. My boyfriend and I have began the hunt for our own apartment, and went on our first viewings today! It was . . . not great. I knew things wouldn’t be as easy as my last search which was a quick, one-and-done process, but man, this is turning out to be more stressful than I realized even though we’re starting early in our city’s “season” for apartment hunting. We know we may be looking for a while and we’re okay with multiple viewings before we find the right place, but it’s the realtors that are getting to us, and their sleazy, manipulative, used car salesman tactics, which I’m starting to realize may be par for the course. Some of what they told us was downright insulting, we might both look young but we weren’t born yesterday, and in general having someone talk down to me drives me crazy.

    Anyway, today it’s been hard to get my mind off the hunt and focus on work, and the stress is giving me a headache. Any tips on how to stay sane during this process? We are going on a trip this weekend, which will hopefully give us a short break from the process and take our minds off it.

    1. Erm, I meant to say we had our first viewings on Saturday, not today.

    2. Do you mean buying a condo, or renting an apartment?

       Where are you located? Why are you using a realtor rather than just looking yourself?

       A realtor is not thrilled with spending a lot of time helping you find a relatively inexpensive rental apartment. In most cities they make next to nothing to help you with this. Not sure why this is so anxiety provoking for you… Is this your first time looking for an apartment? Do you know what you want/where you want to live? If so, try checking out Craigslist and Padmapper and asking your friends if they know anyone moving.

       In challenging rental cities, I usually check the sites every day twice a day, and am ready to pounce when I see something. You need to know your absolute essentials/deal breakers. I often have success by narrowing down the area where I want to live, spending an afternoon walking up and down the streets and looking for “for rent” signs and chatting with people leaving buildings who look nice. And asking doormen about openings. Dress nicely.

    3. From prior comments I believe Linda is in boston. Having lived in multiple major cities Boston is by far the toughest – harder than SF was even. There are realtors that primarily do rentals and the only way to see a lot of places is through them (and multiple of them). Lots never makes it to Craigslist or padmapper and half of what does is gone by the time you see it or never really existed. It’s very much on the college cycle which means anything off 9/1 is hard, even for places catering to the well past college-aged. There’s a lot of competition for even 9/1 and believe it or not a lot of what is on the normal apartment sites right now is already for 9/1.

       Signed, someone who was outbid (yep bidding on rent) for a place that didn’t even have laundry but did have a kitchen smaller than my car just last weekend

       1. Yikes! I am not a city person, so this type of rental bidding war is foreign to me!

    4. What were they “talking down” to you about? I’d second the statement about realtors not being thrilled to help with rentals- in my city, they make between $100-$150 when a lease is signed, so it’s a bit unfair to expect a “long-term” search for that price point, as even 10 hours of searching/showing puts them below minimum wage in many states.

       Gently, I’d consider realigning your expectations about the process- rentals are rarely the perfect “dream place” you may have in mind, and sometimes the best you can do is “good enough” when it comes to location, size, price, etc.

       1. I ask about the “talking down” subjects, because they may have been trying to adjust your expectations to what’s actually an option for you, and may have done it in a condescending tone- I guess what I’m trying to say is: consider the message they were sending, separately of the tone they sent it in.

       2. In Boston they can make up to a month’s rent (1-3+k). Sometimes it’s half, Ive seen as high as 1.5.

       3. Yeah almost every apartment requires a broker to see it and their fee is typically one months rent.

          Don’t fret! When my BF and I first moved in (looking in the South End) we started super late (like August). I was horrified by what we were seeing and we had a $3K a month budget. Then a week later I found a beautiful place that had almost everything we had on Craigslist (obviously still had broker). Had to compromise and rent a parking spot elsewhere but I guarantee there are gems. Our broker gave us an MLS link so we could just search listings too, do you have that?

    5. If you are in Boston, I highly recommend Norell Veal. He’s at Presidential Properties in Beacon Hill and he just…got it. Not a sleazebag. Listened to what I wanted. Showed me the perfect pup-friendly apartment in a great building for a great price. Cannot recommend him highly enough.

    6. Also, if you are looking for a reputable no-fee landlord, check out Micozzi Management. They are great–they were my landlord for all three years of law school and I had a beautiful studio overlooking a park in Brighton. They have a fair number of listings in Brookline too.

12. If it’s just that the process itself is anxiety-inducing, then meditation or exercise or whatever helps you cope with stressful situations. If it’s that the realtors in particular that are bugging you, I’m not sure how to advise you, other than a gentle reminder that jerks are everywhere. Would it be normal in your market to have your own realtor for your search?

    1. In our market realtors are neutral, they represent both landlord and apartment seekers. They’re definitely helpful at first but the ones we worked with on Saturday didn’t seem interested in assisting on long-term searches. The second one tried to convince me to settle on a place at our next viewing even if we didn’t love it, and it was apparent he felt we’d be wasting his time otherwise.

       1. It might help to know that unless you’re in certain cities they’re going to make almost no money, probably less than minimum wage, for assisting you on a long-term search. Expect someone there to show the property, but I think that may be the max of what you can expect.

          1. It’s true, a good number of real estate agents are not interested in rentals and generally speaking the ones that do rentals are either new in the business or are very slow. The hope is that occasionally rentals will lead to referrals for other rentals or will lead to purchases after they’re done renting, but it can be a heck of a lot of time invested four not a lot of money. If you don’t need a realtor, don’t use one. Just do it on your own.

             I worked with a lot of rental clients when I was new, but me and where a good majority of them a pain in the ass and super picky. Where they had really bad credit ot other characteristics that made people not want to rent to them. It was a time suck.

             1. *but a good majority of them were a pain in the ass

13. There have been a few mentions of negotiating doctor’s bills. I had unexpected surgery on a high-deductible plan and this is a strain financially. What’s the best way to negotiate?

    1. The best luck I have had is to reach out directly and offer to pay a set amount, that day, as opposed to a payment plan. I’ve definitely had them more agreeable to taking a haircut off the top, but knowing they aren’t hounding you each month or just kicking the can. I’d say you likely need to be in a position to offer at least half though to make that work. But others may have different experiences.

14. Maybe it’s just me, but if I see someone carrying around a leather padfolio, I think they’re on their way to an interview. Perhaps too many super days and OCI in my past and regular people carry these? Does anyone at your office carry one of these?

    1. No. People in my office either carry around a legal pad or spiral notebook or a moleskin or similar. No one carries something around like this all day every day. I think there was a discussion here the other day about how no one uses these.

    2. I don’t remember the last time I saw someone using one of these.

    3. My husband and I share one because we only ever use it during interviews.

15. I’m about halfway through reading Drop the Ball. A lot of her experiences resonate with me, and it’s challenging me to think differently about how DH and I distribute the workload, even though I don’t completely agree with everything.

    That said, so many of these work/life balance books tout the benefits of having a village. As an introvert who is especially loathe to ask for help, this is really tough for me. I have friends that I connect with, but it seems like part of having a village is having a lot of friends who live in close proximity. Despite living in a really family-oriented neighbor, I don’t feel like I have that close-knit village. We’re friendly with people, but not really friends, if that makes sense. I’ll admit that this is totally a failing of mine — when the work day is done, my focus is on my immediate family and I don’t have much energy left over for cultivating other relationships. Most of my friends are people I’ve known for years. Or my siblings/family members. I have focused my social energy on these people I love and adore, but they don’t necessarily live close enough to make it feasible for me to ask them to pick up my kids from school, for example. Or they have lives and busy families of their own, and I would feel like I’m imposing if I asked for tons of favors. My standard operating procedure is “don’t ask for help unless it’s a true emergency.”

    I don’t know what I’m trying to say, other than … is this whole “village” thing somewhat of a myth? Or is it an extroverted personality thing? I totally know that I’m at fault for not having one, but I truly don’t get HOW busy working moms find the time and energy to build a village from scratch. I’m also terrible at turning acquaintances into friends, but maybe I need to put more effort into that?

    I’ll admit, part of me is sort of turned off by the idea of making friends in order to offload the household work — maybe that’s not what she’s saying, but it kind of sounded that way at times?

    1. I hear you on lacking much interest in expending energy on new relationships after the necessities are covered. However, we moved far from family when we had kids. I grew up in a 2 career family with very little social life. My partner had the opposite. The single most overwhelming theme at my MIL’s memorial was how much she brought people together. I aspire to some part of that experience for my kids and for me. So the middle ground I’ve found is inviting friends for takeout after work on Fridays. Almost zero extra effort. It’s honestly not very high quality family time otherwise. And the friends who really love it tend to have similarly busy, often 2 career households and are grateful and flexible about the opportunity to unwind without advance planning or effort. We’ve found a few families that really click this way, to the extent we sometimes take turns picking up the food, hosting, etc. And then all of a sudden when one of them was hit with a huge emergency, we were happy to help. And others have done the same.

       So don’t set the bar too high and look for ways to ease into something like this if it does appeal.

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