Happy Presidents' Day, guys! I hope all of you are enjoying a long, relaxing weekend — with plenty of time for sales (because there's some good ones). The roundup of our top 54 noteworthy sales is below — my favorite 11 are in bold.
6pm.com – President's Day Clearance, 70% off MSRP or more. Up to 75% off neutrals from Frye, Cole Haan, Ivanka Trump, and more. Up to 65% off Nine West styles, as well as workout gear.
Alexis Bittar – Sale pieces are up to 50% off. (Prices are better than their NYC sample sale, honestly!)
Lord & Taylor – 20% off almost everything, including clearance, with code PRESIDENT. Buy one get one 50% off, shoes and select day dresses. 50% off women's quilted coats, up to 60% off select handbags, 40-50% off fine jewelry.
Macy's – Extra 20% off with code PRES (extra 15% for home and select departments) or $10 off your purchase of $25 or more (select departments) with code PRES25.
Madewell – Extra 30% off all sale styles with code AMOUR.
Nasty Gal – Freakin' Weekend Sale, get up to 70% off.
New York & Company – Semi-annual pant event, plus $50 off orders of $100 or more with promo 2178. Free shipping, no minimum.
Nine West – Up to 70% off. 30% off select new arrivals, extra 20% off select sale items.
Nordstrom – Clearance Sale: Up to 40% off select items through 2/22 (see our workwear sale picks here).
The Outnet – Extra 40% off select items. Up to 65% off Roland Mouret, Proenza Schouler; up to 60% off New York Fashion Week: 3.1 Phillip Lim, Alexander Wang, Zac Posen, Jason Wu, Diane von Furstenberg, and more.
Pendleton – Extra 30% off clearance with code VIP30. Ends today!
Piperlime – 30% off select spring styles with code WINNING.
Rebecca Taylor – Extra 25% off sale + new resort styles just added, with code RTSALE25.
Shoes.com – Final sale! Select styles $24.99, $39.99, $59.99.
Sierra Trading Post – Extra 20-30% select items; up to 60% off merino wool apparel.
Talbots – Extra 15% off markdowns for savings up to 80% off.
Target – Save 20% off tons of stuff in their wear-to-work shop.
Tory Burch – Extra 25% off all sale styles with code SALE25. Last day!
Am I the only one at work today? Where is everyone?
I’m also here. Sad and alone. And because most of the work I do requires other businesses that are closed, add ‘bored’ to that list.
It’s a regular day at our office, except that a lot of moms had to take the day off to be home with kiddos.
Same here. In dc, which will probably have enough snow to close offices tomorrow, so adding “envious of everyone else’s four day weekend” to the here, bored and cold list.
Nah, I think a lot of people don’t get today off. I know our schools are open today. Totally speculating, but I would put today and Columbus Day lowest on the list of workplace-observed “holidays.”
All the schools here are closed – west coast city. I understand about Columbus Day (the objections to it as a holiday) but today is President’s Day. Why is this less important than MLK Day? I rank President’s Day up there with Veterans Day and Memorial Day! Plus MLK Day follows closely upon New Years, whereas President’s Day is the last major holiday until Memorial Day in May.
Because MLK day is the National Day of Service and Presidents’ Day just has mattress sales. Veterans and Memorial day also have loads of commemorative and educational activities, and the kind of weather that makes you want to go outside to watch the parades, etc.
I am at work. My older son’s school is closed today, which I neglected to add to my calendar so I only figured it out Thursday. Luckily, we have fun grandma who plays Legos to the rescue! Because the husband is home sick with man-flu and maybe strep, which is a factor of 10 more pathetic and moan-ier than man-cold. And he says the little one is also sick and pathetic too.
The temperature (not just wind chill) is still below 0F, I have pms-y cramps, my office is cold despite the fact that I’m wearing 2-4 layers of all my clothes, I have no desire to get anything done despite the giant piles of paper on my desk, and overall just BLARGH!
+1 to man-flu and man-cold. Man-sicknesses are the WORST.
To quote my (sick) DH: “I’m just going to lie here for a little bit until I roll over and die” :)
At work here, too, although icy roads kept lots of people away today.
And it’s cold in the office even though I have quite a few layers on.
This government employee is at work and we have a legislative session tonight. Woof.
Another government employee at work.
here too! also our state courts were open. so I was also there and now Im at the office. boo.
Here, bored, cold, and jealous of everyone else’s long weekend (all our competitors are closed today, lucky punks). Consoling myself with a) finishing all the long, obnoxious quarterly complience things so I don’t have to think about them anymore and b) internetting after I finish all of section a.
I’m the only person on my floor today. Hopefully the government will call tomorrow off.
Biglaw attorney. It’s a firm holiday, but about 50-60% of the attorneys on my floor are here today.
Ugh I work at a non profit and we don’t have the day off. I feel like if you are going to pay me half of what I made on the corporate side of things they could at least give all federal holidays. Granted we get a few other days of the year off for various reasons, but still. ugh.
If you could only select twelve items of workwear for the remainder of 2015, and three pairs of shoes, what would make your list? Workwear includes anything visible (dresses, blazers, shells, pants, skirts, etc). Undergarments that aren’t visible don’t count (so, camisoles that aren’t seen aren’t included). Scarves count as workwear, but jewelry does not.
I’ll start:
1) Black wool 3/4 sleeve knee length sheath dress
2) Charcoal wool 3/4 sleeve knee length sheath dress
3) Black blazer
4) Light grey blazer
5) Black cashmere sweater
6) Camel wool pencil skirt
7) Black wool pencil skirt
8) Deep purple silky blouse
9) Grey/crème silky blouse
10) Black cashmere cardigan
11) Camel sweater
12) Bright blue wool pencil skirt
1) Black pointy toed flats
2) Camel pointy toed flats
3) Flat black knee high leather boots
The weather is really variable here, so I’d have real difficulty with 12 items for the rest of the whole year.
But probably I’d choose 5 work dresses in navy/black/gray/pattern/fun colour (perhaps dark green?), and 5 cardigans that would go with all the dresses, and 2 blazers to make a suit with the navy and gray dresses. Shoes I’d probably pick the same as OP- black flats, camel or nude flats and black boots.
I don’t wear jewellery ever (no really, ever), so I’d opt to sub in 3 scarves in exchange for my no jewellery, one patterned scarf, one scarlet, and one in a cream.
This is pretty close to what I would so minus the cardigans. I would do a white button up and a few skirts instead.
Oooh, good question.
1. Teal/white/black short sleeve dress
2. Black slacks
3. Grey slacks
4. Dark purple skirt
5. Maroon blazer
6. Black blazer
7. Teal short sleeve top
8. Black silk knit sweater
9. Turquoise sweater
10. Black/white short sleeve top
11. Red short sleeve top
12. Black sheath dress
1. Black flats
2. Black pumps
3. Black knee high boots
Looking at this, yeah, I definitely have a favorite color, don’t I…
Tell me where you found these magical black and charcoal sleeved sheath dresses. Please.
I’d like to know that too!
I got them at Boden but 3-4 years ago. Yes, they’ve lasted that long with regular wear.
Hi ladies – does your family ever ask you for money, and if so, how do you handle it/what are your thoughts on that? Lately, my little sister (age 18) has been asking me for money and my mom has been hinting asking for money, and I’m not comfortable with it. Would be interested to hear how other people handle this situation.
No, but we believe in the pre-emptive strike. I have a distant relative who I got to meet a few decades ago (when I had a seemingly fancy title, but not a fancy job and no money and student loans). My mom was all “I’m glad you are getting to meet Relative Y. DON’T GIVE HIM ANY MONEY.” He didn’t ask, but it was good to know where they stood and to prepare to say no in advance of needing to.
Later, a sibling had some issues where a parental infusion of cash would have been helpful (and parents have that sort of $). The talk from me was “if you all are comfortable and able, this $ to sibling now would be of tremendous and live-changing significance; I am OK with the disparity and also OK if you never leave me anything but good memories.”
That said, we have a tendency to live long and even though we live modestly, we tend to outlive our money. So there really isn’t anything big to spare over a lifetime (despite what the bank balance might say) and no ability to have an adult on the family dole. If someone were truly down and out, we’d put a mattress on the floor and share our ramen, but not offer cash. This is sort of in the family DNA, which helps.
* the inlaws are a different story, but husband is on the same page I am on
MY family doesn’t, but DH’s family does, especially his brother/wife. It’s frustrating because we make double what they make – partially because of our respective fields and partially because the wife can’t hold down a job – so I feel simultaneously guilty and that this is their/her fault. I gave in the first year we were married, and now that we’re trying to have children, DH has basically issued a statement saying that the expensive gift-giving can’t continue.
My husband’s parents hint around for monetary assistance. They are living in a retirement community where costs are going up but their income is fixed. We give them a semi generous financial gift at the holidays and try to host them on a weekend vacation each year but that’s about it. Of course, they are not destitute yet. If they were, I’m guessing we’d coordinate with H’s siblings to figure out how to address the problem. We are currently paying two college tuitions so we are not an open checkbook by any means….
All the time! Never from my family, who are all fairly well off, but my in-laws seem to be of the opinion we’ve opened a lending institution in our living room. Things we have declined to fund: college tuition, student loan payments, a horse, a new car, a down payment on an apartment, a down payment on a house, and investment property.
A HORSE? Wow. Your in-laws have some b*lls.
A horse. The request came from a relative who doesn’t work full time even though she is able-bodied, because “I really want it and you guys are lawyers so you can afford it.”
OMG. That is something a bratty 8 year old says, not an adult!!
Ohh my BIL has said something of the sort. He didn’t want to get a job and told DH and me that we had to let him live with us because “he’s worth it.”
reposting my response from November 16, 2014:
Dear gref,
I realize I am responding late. I have no advice about the discussion. I have been in this exact position. (I am child of wife 1. During divorce from wife 3 (18 years his junior and no earning capacity)/already engaged to wife 4 (28 years his junior and no earning capacity), I had this discussion. I started with “as long as I have a home, you have a home.” I ended with “you might consider talking to a lawyer about a prenup.” The discussion ended with my being yelled at and told not to meddle. Years later, after having been disinvited from the wedding to wife 4 and disowned at least once, the conversation turned to “can you please lend/give us money for a downpayment?” This scared the #@*& out of me because he was always a highly successful entrepreneur and the thought that *he* was asking for money from *me* (not nearly as successful, but I squirrel it away) was totally disorienting.)
Anyway, I don’t think there is any way to make the conversation go better. But I *do* think that you will benefit from spending time thinking about (and maybe even discussing with a therapist or trusted friend) how you will handle requests and how you will feel about how you handle requests. I have received numerous such requests. Most requests are doomed to fail (“buy me out of this building I co-own with several other people, including one of my ex-wives who hates you”) and to put me at risk. I know I need to say no, and I do say no. But even though I’ve been going through this for years, I still feel like a terrible, horrible, disrespectful, Commandment 5-violating (“honor your father and mother”) person.
So if I could give you any useful piece of advice, it would be to find a way to deal with the way you are going to feel about handling this.
Question being on sort of the opposite side of the coin:
I graduated college in May, and I was given money twice by my brother who makes a low six-figure income. I work non-profit and get by, but not living large by any means. Once was for rent while I was in school. I had to ask for it. I took 21 hours in the fall (and therefore couldn’t work with that workload) and my paid internship didn’t start till January and I had to make January rent. All of my financial aid and scholarships(previously a full ride) was cut because of my parent’s (despite them not helping pay for anything college related) so I knew that this was a possibility at the beginning of the semester, but I couldn’t back out of my course load by that point.
The second time he offered and gave me $1,500 for birthday/graduation. I ended up going to abroad for a bit after I graduated and he said I could put it towards the trip or use it to set up my apartment (I owned a bed and a desk, no couch or kitchen stuff).
I am now settled enough that I could pay him back, but every time I bring it up he says don’t worry about it. I don’t want to become the exact type of family that ya’ll are talking about though. Should I send him a check to repay him for everything, and let him decide whether or not to cash it, or do you think that I should let it go? What would you all want your family to do if you did give them money? Every time he has seen me since graduating (twice) he asks about my money situation, so I am worried that he’ll start to see me as charity case.
Anonymous, as to the 1500, since that was a gift, I do not think you should worry at all about paying him back for that. As to the rent, I would not bring it up any further to your brother, but if you do have the money, I would just send him the cash. Or, you could also get him gift cards to places that he likes (like maybe favorite restaurants or places where he shops a lot, or something that he might use a lot like Amazon). If my little sister was asking for rent money because she couldn’t pay rent for the same reasons that you couldn’t, I would absolutely help her out and I really wouldn’t expect her to pay me back. If she offered, I would probably deny it too, but if she did get me a gift card to somewhere that I shopped a lot, I would appreciate it and think it was a nice gesture (assuming she could then afford it and it would not be a financial burden on her).
I do not think your situation sounds like the other family members here. My current situation is that my husband and I are expecting our first baby in two months. Obviously a new baby has a lot of expenses, and child care in our city is outrageous. I also have some slight medical bumps that may raise our medical bills more than the average pregnant woman. Yes, my husband and I are both lawyers and we make more money than my parents or of course my 18 year old sister, but we also both took out full student loans which we are paying back, and we bought a car two months ago (we didn’t have one before, but we’ll need one with the baby), so we have a ton of expenses. My 18 year old sister, who is just slightly overweight, wants the money to go to some sort of wellness camp this summer for young adults. That is why I am not super sympathetic to her cause right now!
I agree with Anon A. The $1500 was a gift. If you have the money to pay back the rent that was previously loaned to you, then I would send a check or a gift card.
Speaking as an older sibling who also once loaned money to a younger sibling for rent, I would not expect to get that amount back. That said, when my sibling DID repay that money, I put it into an account earmarked for his future child’s college education.
My sibling gave me a large chunk of change (a few thousand) at a very crucial point in my life and it was hugely helpful to my future. And until I win some sort of lottery (literal or otherwise) it’s a gift, and I am so very grateful that she was able to give it to me when I needed it. And I’d never asked for money before and won’t do it again, but it was huge that once.
I have the good fortune to have a generous relative who provided money to me to help me get through law school, and always insisted it was a gift and no repayment was expected. That was absolutely true from his perspective, but it weighed on me (I’m not very good about being indebted). Once I was able, I sent him a check for the full amount with a note letting him know how grateful I was for the help when I needed it, particularly that he had been so gracious in making it easy for me to ask for and receive his help, and that I offered the repayment in the same spirit in which he had given it to me – with love and respect. Although he sent it back uncashed, it was the best check I ever wrote, and allowed the weight of that debt to be off my shoulders.
My family doesn’t ask, but I would absolutely not give anyone anything, except to my father who went to some incredible lengths for me as a child. I may also consider it if I had a responsible younger family member who needed it for a good purpose as noted earlier in this thread. Otherwise no, I wouldn’t, especially because I would be wary of setting expectations for further lending/giving. If you’re uncomfortable with it, I’d default to “absolutely not.” Nip that in the bud.
Hope you are dealing with the latest infusion of snow (and more to come) and that you’ll be able to make it to your office sometime before March!
I have today off. Only the underground sections of the redline are running today. Don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. A smaller storm is in the forecast, but it’s supposed to hit during the commute.
I have a vacation scheduled starting March 5th. If my branch of the train still isn’t running by then, I’ll probably suck it up and pay for a cab to South Station (probably about $50), then take the T to the office. Hopefully, I can get my sister-in-law to pick me up on my return trip.
But thanks for checking in on me. I did run out to pick up supplies at the supermarket today. The roads are pretty sketchy, too.
Does Frye ever have sales/promo codes? I’ve been coveting one of their bags, but they are expensive so I was hoping to get it on sale.
I don’t know if Frye does, but you can often find previous seasons’ Frye shoes and bags on 6PM. I’ve gotten some great deals there on items I just wouldn’t buy full price: http://www.6pm.com/frye-womens-bags~4
My office doesn’t have today off, but I feel like crap (bad cold) and want to make it home before the snow starts to hit DC. But I have one page left of a pretty complicated memo that I need to send to a client today, and cannot get myself to focus. Someone please yell at me to finish so I can go home…
Considered yourself yelled at.
Hope you feel better soon.
Advice sought:
How do you deal when you send an innocuous email and you get an inappropriate spew of vitriol back from someone who is in a position of authority but has a screw loose? I took the high road and apologized for any misunderstanding (and believe me, he misunderstood!), but this person is a full nutjob (and I have to keep working for him). Deep breaths? Wishing voodoo thoughts on him and his children? I feel like he outed himself as a crazy (and he also cc’d additional people on the thread). Do I just step back and let him look like the crazy? Icky.
I have lots of clients like this and my response depends on who it is. One is always rational in the morning and early afternoon but hostile and irrational in the late afternoon and evening. (I think he drinks and gets mean.). I just ignore the late-day hostile grams and start again the next day. And laugh about them with others on the case. Another client concocts outlandish conspiracy theories that are always send to me in all caps, with lots of expletives and exclamation points. I usually gently correct him and then move on (“I think that person did thing because reason that is totally not part of a vast conspiracy, but in any event, . . .”). I only apologize if, after looking at the email I sent, there is a plausible reading supporting their wacky interpretation. It helps that the relationship partner supports my way of dealing with them. I used to get really upset by these emails but found out these people send them to everyone, which made me feel better.
Yep. Ignore the crazy. Other people realize he is crazy, especially since he cc’d others. What helps me is to start thinking of it as a game. Create a co-worker bingo card. Crazy guy throws a temper tantrum? That’s a bingo! Add in a space for the coworker that always screws up the analogies. Another for the one who is late to every meeting and makes you repeat everything that was discussed so far. Etc. pretty soon you’ll be secretly giggling over their antics because it gets you that much closer to bingo.
+1. Making crazy into a game is a super effective coping mechanism for all kinds of difficult people.
Does anyone have a Rebecca Minkoff MAB bag where the base of the handles have held up for over a year? I have the saffiano leather version and the very thin leather at all four handle bases cracked within the first 2 months just from normal use so I am not happy with it. Then again, I love the style and I received it as a gift, so I would like to replace it with the same design if possible. Maybe the smooth leather version doesn’t have this problem? Thanks.
Hollis, I’ve had the bag for over a year and it’s held up just fine. I don’t use it every day, though.
What kind of leather is yours made of? Is it smooth like calfskin? Do you deliberately try to avoid bending the handles to the side?
I just felt the leather and it feels smooth. It’s the red color, if that makes a difference (I honestly have no idea if it’s saffiano leather or another type of leather?!) I use it as a travel bag b/c it’s so large so I can fit a ton of stuff in there (as I’m sure you know). I probably only use it to work once every other month? So again, definitely not using it every day or even THAT often.
I don’t own it, but I’ve lusted after it and held back because of reviewers on Nordstrom’s site reporting this exact problem. I never noticed whether it was smooth vs. saffiano though.
That’s interesting, because I feel like the Nordstrom reviews I saw were universally positive on the bag. It could just be that people review stuff right away and not after they’ve used it for awhile and find that it has issues with longevity.
Mine lasted 2 months. Nordstrom took it back without question, but insisted they’d never heard of the problem. Meanwhile, the one on display had the same issue, and multiple people on this blog have echoed having the same problem. The bag was be-you-tee-ful. I miss it, but damn, for that money that problem should not be happening.
Am I the only one at work today? Where is everyone?
I’m also here. Sad and alone. And because most of the work I do requires other businesses that are closed, add ‘bored’ to that list.
It’s a regular day at our office, except that a lot of moms had to take the day off to be home with kiddos.
Same here. In dc, which will probably have enough snow to close offices tomorrow, so adding “envious of everyone else’s four day weekend” to the here, bored and cold list.
Nah, I think a lot of people don’t get today off. I know our schools are open today. Totally speculating, but I would put today and Columbus Day lowest on the list of workplace-observed “holidays.”
All the schools here are closed – west coast city. I understand about Columbus Day (the objections to it as a holiday) but today is President’s Day. Why is this less important than MLK Day? I rank President’s Day up there with Veterans Day and Memorial Day! Plus MLK Day follows closely upon New Years, whereas President’s Day is the last major holiday until Memorial Day in May.
Because MLK day is the National Day of Service and Presidents’ Day just has mattress sales. Veterans and Memorial day also have loads of commemorative and educational activities, and the kind of weather that makes you want to go outside to watch the parades, etc.
I am at work. My older son’s school is closed today, which I neglected to add to my calendar so I only figured it out Thursday. Luckily, we have fun grandma who plays Legos to the rescue! Because the husband is home sick with man-flu and maybe strep, which is a factor of 10 more pathetic and moan-ier than man-cold. And he says the little one is also sick and pathetic too.
The temperature (not just wind chill) is still below 0F, I have pms-y cramps, my office is cold despite the fact that I’m wearing 2-4 layers of all my clothes, I have no desire to get anything done despite the giant piles of paper on my desk, and overall just BLARGH!
+1 to man-flu and man-cold. Man-sicknesses are the WORST.
To quote my (sick) DH: “I’m just going to lie here for a little bit until I roll over and die” :)
At work here, too, although icy roads kept lots of people away today.
And it’s cold in the office even though I have quite a few layers on.
This government employee is at work and we have a legislative session tonight. Woof.
Another government employee at work.
here too! also our state courts were open. so I was also there and now Im at the office. boo.
Here, bored, cold, and jealous of everyone else’s long weekend (all our competitors are closed today, lucky punks). Consoling myself with a) finishing all the long, obnoxious quarterly complience things so I don’t have to think about them anymore and b) internetting after I finish all of section a.
I’m the only person on my floor today. Hopefully the government will call tomorrow off.
Biglaw attorney. It’s a firm holiday, but about 50-60% of the attorneys on my floor are here today.
Ugh I work at a non profit and we don’t have the day off. I feel like if you are going to pay me half of what I made on the corporate side of things they could at least give all federal holidays. Granted we get a few other days of the year off for various reasons, but still. ugh.
If you could only select twelve items of workwear for the remainder of 2015, and three pairs of shoes, what would make your list? Workwear includes anything visible (dresses, blazers, shells, pants, skirts, etc). Undergarments that aren’t visible don’t count (so, camisoles that aren’t seen aren’t included). Scarves count as workwear, but jewelry does not.
I’ll start:
1) Black wool 3/4 sleeve knee length sheath dress
2) Charcoal wool 3/4 sleeve knee length sheath dress
3) Black blazer
4) Light grey blazer
5) Black cashmere sweater
6) Camel wool pencil skirt
7) Black wool pencil skirt
8) Deep purple silky blouse
9) Grey/crème silky blouse
10) Black cashmere cardigan
11) Camel sweater
12) Bright blue wool pencil skirt
1) Black pointy toed flats
2) Camel pointy toed flats
3) Flat black knee high leather boots
The weather is really variable here, so I’d have real difficulty with 12 items for the rest of the whole year.
But probably I’d choose 5 work dresses in navy/black/gray/pattern/fun colour (perhaps dark green?), and 5 cardigans that would go with all the dresses, and 2 blazers to make a suit with the navy and gray dresses. Shoes I’d probably pick the same as OP- black flats, camel or nude flats and black boots.
I don’t wear jewellery ever (no really, ever), so I’d opt to sub in 3 scarves in exchange for my no jewellery, one patterned scarf, one scarlet, and one in a cream.
This is pretty close to what I would so minus the cardigans. I would do a white button up and a few skirts instead.
Oooh, good question.
1. Teal/white/black short sleeve dress
2. Black slacks
3. Grey slacks
4. Dark purple skirt
5. Maroon blazer
6. Black blazer
7. Teal short sleeve top
8. Black silk knit sweater
9. Turquoise sweater
10. Black/white short sleeve top
11. Red short sleeve top
12. Black sheath dress
1. Black flats
2. Black pumps
3. Black knee high boots
Looking at this, yeah, I definitely have a favorite color, don’t I…
Tell me where you found these magical black and charcoal sleeved sheath dresses. Please.
I’d like to know that too!
I got them at Boden but 3-4 years ago. Yes, they’ve lasted that long with regular wear.
Hi ladies – does your family ever ask you for money, and if so, how do you handle it/what are your thoughts on that? Lately, my little sister (age 18) has been asking me for money and my mom has been hinting asking for money, and I’m not comfortable with it. Would be interested to hear how other people handle this situation.
No, but we believe in the pre-emptive strike. I have a distant relative who I got to meet a few decades ago (when I had a seemingly fancy title, but not a fancy job and no money and student loans). My mom was all “I’m glad you are getting to meet Relative Y. DON’T GIVE HIM ANY MONEY.” He didn’t ask, but it was good to know where they stood and to prepare to say no in advance of needing to.
Later, a sibling had some issues where a parental infusion of cash would have been helpful (and parents have that sort of $). The talk from me was “if you all are comfortable and able, this $ to sibling now would be of tremendous and live-changing significance; I am OK with the disparity and also OK if you never leave me anything but good memories.”
That said, we have a tendency to live long and even though we live modestly, we tend to outlive our money. So there really isn’t anything big to spare over a lifetime (despite what the bank balance might say) and no ability to have an adult on the family dole. If someone were truly down and out, we’d put a mattress on the floor and share our ramen, but not offer cash. This is sort of in the family DNA, which helps.
* the inlaws are a different story, but husband is on the same page I am on
MY family doesn’t, but DH’s family does, especially his brother/wife. It’s frustrating because we make double what they make – partially because of our respective fields and partially because the wife can’t hold down a job – so I feel simultaneously guilty and that this is their/her fault. I gave in the first year we were married, and now that we’re trying to have children, DH has basically issued a statement saying that the expensive gift-giving can’t continue.
My husband’s parents hint around for monetary assistance. They are living in a retirement community where costs are going up but their income is fixed. We give them a semi generous financial gift at the holidays and try to host them on a weekend vacation each year but that’s about it. Of course, they are not destitute yet. If they were, I’m guessing we’d coordinate with H’s siblings to figure out how to address the problem. We are currently paying two college tuitions so we are not an open checkbook by any means….
All the time! Never from my family, who are all fairly well off, but my in-laws seem to be of the opinion we’ve opened a lending institution in our living room. Things we have declined to fund: college tuition, student loan payments, a horse, a new car, a down payment on an apartment, a down payment on a house, and investment property.
A HORSE? Wow. Your in-laws have some b*lls.
A horse. The request came from a relative who doesn’t work full time even though she is able-bodied, because “I really want it and you guys are lawyers so you can afford it.”
OMG. That is something a bratty 8 year old says, not an adult!!
Ohh my BIL has said something of the sort. He didn’t want to get a job and told DH and me that we had to let him live with us because “he’s worth it.”
reposting my response from November 16, 2014:
Dear gref,
I realize I am responding late. I have no advice about the discussion. I have been in this exact position. (I am child of wife 1. During divorce from wife 3 (18 years his junior and no earning capacity)/already engaged to wife 4 (28 years his junior and no earning capacity), I had this discussion. I started with “as long as I have a home, you have a home.” I ended with “you might consider talking to a lawyer about a prenup.” The discussion ended with my being yelled at and told not to meddle. Years later, after having been disinvited from the wedding to wife 4 and disowned at least once, the conversation turned to “can you please lend/give us money for a downpayment?” This scared the #@*& out of me because he was always a highly successful entrepreneur and the thought that *he* was asking for money from *me* (not nearly as successful, but I squirrel it away) was totally disorienting.)
Anyway, I don’t think there is any way to make the conversation go better. But I *do* think that you will benefit from spending time thinking about (and maybe even discussing with a therapist or trusted friend) how you will handle requests and how you will feel about how you handle requests. I have received numerous such requests. Most requests are doomed to fail (“buy me out of this building I co-own with several other people, including one of my ex-wives who hates you”) and to put me at risk. I know I need to say no, and I do say no. But even though I’ve been going through this for years, I still feel like a terrible, horrible, disrespectful, Commandment 5-violating (“honor your father and mother”) person.
So if I could give you any useful piece of advice, it would be to find a way to deal with the way you are going to feel about handling this.
Question being on sort of the opposite side of the coin:
I graduated college in May, and I was given money twice by my brother who makes a low six-figure income. I work non-profit and get by, but not living large by any means. Once was for rent while I was in school. I had to ask for it. I took 21 hours in the fall (and therefore couldn’t work with that workload) and my paid internship didn’t start till January and I had to make January rent. All of my financial aid and scholarships(previously a full ride) was cut because of my parent’s (despite them not helping pay for anything college related) so I knew that this was a possibility at the beginning of the semester, but I couldn’t back out of my course load by that point.
The second time he offered and gave me $1,500 for birthday/graduation. I ended up going to abroad for a bit after I graduated and he said I could put it towards the trip or use it to set up my apartment (I owned a bed and a desk, no couch or kitchen stuff).
I am now settled enough that I could pay him back, but every time I bring it up he says don’t worry about it. I don’t want to become the exact type of family that ya’ll are talking about though. Should I send him a check to repay him for everything, and let him decide whether or not to cash it, or do you think that I should let it go? What would you all want your family to do if you did give them money? Every time he has seen me since graduating (twice) he asks about my money situation, so I am worried that he’ll start to see me as charity case.
Anonymous, as to the 1500, since that was a gift, I do not think you should worry at all about paying him back for that. As to the rent, I would not bring it up any further to your brother, but if you do have the money, I would just send him the cash. Or, you could also get him gift cards to places that he likes (like maybe favorite restaurants or places where he shops a lot, or something that he might use a lot like Amazon). If my little sister was asking for rent money because she couldn’t pay rent for the same reasons that you couldn’t, I would absolutely help her out and I really wouldn’t expect her to pay me back. If she offered, I would probably deny it too, but if she did get me a gift card to somewhere that I shopped a lot, I would appreciate it and think it was a nice gesture (assuming she could then afford it and it would not be a financial burden on her).
I do not think your situation sounds like the other family members here. My current situation is that my husband and I are expecting our first baby in two months. Obviously a new baby has a lot of expenses, and child care in our city is outrageous. I also have some slight medical bumps that may raise our medical bills more than the average pregnant woman. Yes, my husband and I are both lawyers and we make more money than my parents or of course my 18 year old sister, but we also both took out full student loans which we are paying back, and we bought a car two months ago (we didn’t have one before, but we’ll need one with the baby), so we have a ton of expenses. My 18 year old sister, who is just slightly overweight, wants the money to go to some sort of wellness camp this summer for young adults. That is why I am not super sympathetic to her cause right now!
I agree with Anon A. The $1500 was a gift. If you have the money to pay back the rent that was previously loaned to you, then I would send a check or a gift card.
Speaking as an older sibling who also once loaned money to a younger sibling for rent, I would not expect to get that amount back. That said, when my sibling DID repay that money, I put it into an account earmarked for his future child’s college education.
My sibling gave me a large chunk of change (a few thousand) at a very crucial point in my life and it was hugely helpful to my future. And until I win some sort of lottery (literal or otherwise) it’s a gift, and I am so very grateful that she was able to give it to me when I needed it. And I’d never asked for money before and won’t do it again, but it was huge that once.
I have the good fortune to have a generous relative who provided money to me to help me get through law school, and always insisted it was a gift and no repayment was expected. That was absolutely true from his perspective, but it weighed on me (I’m not very good about being indebted). Once I was able, I sent him a check for the full amount with a note letting him know how grateful I was for the help when I needed it, particularly that he had been so gracious in making it easy for me to ask for and receive his help, and that I offered the repayment in the same spirit in which he had given it to me – with love and respect. Although he sent it back uncashed, it was the best check I ever wrote, and allowed the weight of that debt to be off my shoulders.
My family doesn’t ask, but I would absolutely not give anyone anything, except to my father who went to some incredible lengths for me as a child. I may also consider it if I had a responsible younger family member who needed it for a good purpose as noted earlier in this thread. Otherwise no, I wouldn’t, especially because I would be wary of setting expectations for further lending/giving. If you’re uncomfortable with it, I’d default to “absolutely not.” Nip that in the bud.
Hope you are dealing with the latest infusion of snow (and more to come) and that you’ll be able to make it to your office sometime before March!
I have today off. Only the underground sections of the redline are running today. Don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. A smaller storm is in the forecast, but it’s supposed to hit during the commute.
I have a vacation scheduled starting March 5th. If my branch of the train still isn’t running by then, I’ll probably suck it up and pay for a cab to South Station (probably about $50), then take the T to the office. Hopefully, I can get my sister-in-law to pick me up on my return trip.
But thanks for checking in on me. I did run out to pick up supplies at the supermarket today. The roads are pretty sketchy, too.
Does Frye ever have sales/promo codes? I’ve been coveting one of their bags, but they are expensive so I was hoping to get it on sale.
I don’t know if Frye does, but you can often find previous seasons’ Frye shoes and bags on 6PM. I’ve gotten some great deals there on items I just wouldn’t buy full price: http://www.6pm.com/frye-womens-bags~4
My office doesn’t have today off, but I feel like crap (bad cold) and want to make it home before the snow starts to hit DC. But I have one page left of a pretty complicated memo that I need to send to a client today, and cannot get myself to focus. Someone please yell at me to finish so I can go home…
Considered yourself yelled at.
Hope you feel better soon.
Advice sought:
How do you deal when you send an innocuous email and you get an inappropriate spew of vitriol back from someone who is in a position of authority but has a screw loose? I took the high road and apologized for any misunderstanding (and believe me, he misunderstood!), but this person is a full nutjob (and I have to keep working for him). Deep breaths? Wishing voodoo thoughts on him and his children? I feel like he outed himself as a crazy (and he also cc’d additional people on the thread). Do I just step back and let him look like the crazy? Icky.
I have lots of clients like this and my response depends on who it is. One is always rational in the morning and early afternoon but hostile and irrational in the late afternoon and evening. (I think he drinks and gets mean.). I just ignore the late-day hostile grams and start again the next day. And laugh about them with others on the case. Another client concocts outlandish conspiracy theories that are always send to me in all caps, with lots of expletives and exclamation points. I usually gently correct him and then move on (“I think that person did thing because reason that is totally not part of a vast conspiracy, but in any event, . . .”). I only apologize if, after looking at the email I sent, there is a plausible reading supporting their wacky interpretation. It helps that the relationship partner supports my way of dealing with them. I used to get really upset by these emails but found out these people send them to everyone, which made me feel better.
Yep. Ignore the crazy. Other people realize he is crazy, especially since he cc’d others. What helps me is to start thinking of it as a game. Create a co-worker bingo card. Crazy guy throws a temper tantrum? That’s a bingo! Add in a space for the coworker that always screws up the analogies. Another for the one who is late to every meeting and makes you repeat everything that was discussed so far. Etc. pretty soon you’ll be secretly giggling over their antics because it gets you that much closer to bingo.
+1. Making crazy into a game is a super effective coping mechanism for all kinds of difficult people.
Does anyone have a Rebecca Minkoff MAB bag where the base of the handles have held up for over a year? I have the saffiano leather version and the very thin leather at all four handle bases cracked within the first 2 months just from normal use so I am not happy with it. Then again, I love the style and I received it as a gift, so I would like to replace it with the same design if possible. Maybe the smooth leather version doesn’t have this problem? Thanks.
Hollis, I’ve had the bag for over a year and it’s held up just fine. I don’t use it every day, though.
What kind of leather is yours made of? Is it smooth like calfskin? Do you deliberately try to avoid bending the handles to the side?
I just felt the leather and it feels smooth. It’s the red color, if that makes a difference (I honestly have no idea if it’s saffiano leather or another type of leather?!) I use it as a travel bag b/c it’s so large so I can fit a ton of stuff in there (as I’m sure you know). I probably only use it to work once every other month? So again, definitely not using it every day or even THAT often.
I don’t own it, but I’ve lusted after it and held back because of reviewers on Nordstrom’s site reporting this exact problem. I never noticed whether it was smooth vs. saffiano though.
That’s interesting, because I feel like the Nordstrom reviews I saw were universally positive on the bag. It could just be that people review stuff right away and not after they’ve used it for awhile and find that it has issues with longevity.
Mine lasted 2 months. Nordstrom took it back without question, but insisted they’d never heard of the problem. Meanwhile, the one on display had the same issue, and multiple people on this blog have echoed having the same problem. The bag was be-you-tee-ful. I miss it, but damn, for that money that problem should not be happening.