Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Print Tie-Front Cropped Jumpsuit

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1. Our office is reopening later this summer. I am pregnant and due in January. In my area, cases were down March-May, but are now increasing once things reopened. Is it reasonable for me to ask to WFH for the rest of the year? I manage a department and we can 100% do all of our work remotely. I do not have an office and sit in a shared space that, at least before the pandemic, was fairly crowded.

   1. Yes.

   2. Yes, definitely!

   3. Yes, and your doctor should be able to give you a note to bolster your request. Your immune system changes when you are pregnant to become less aggressive (so your body doesn’t attack the fetus); additionally no one knows entirely right now if Covid-19 has short- or long-term effects on a fetus or on the mom if someone contracts it during pregnancy. There have been some reports of late-term losses from blood clots or placental infections in pregnant moms who contract Covid, from what I have read. Get a note and make the ask. Your baby’s health and your health are more important than your company’s desire to have people present in the office.

      1. There have also been reports of covid-positive mothers crashing immediately after delivery and ending up in critical care, even without serious illness before birth.

   4. Yes, 100%. One thing I’ve learned in this pandemic is that your employer is often not going to watch out for what you need. You need to self-advocate with specifics.

   5. What are pregnant doctors and nurses doing? I feel that they can’t work remotely and can’t imagine that their employers will let them be on some sort of leave for the duration of a pregnancy (paid leave, at least). And if they are working at their jobs, I would think that their experience is possibly relevant here as they may be the most likely pregnant people to be exposed (that and nursing home workers).

      1. It’s sort of irrelevant to this poster what employees whose jobs require in-person interaction are doing while pregnant. Her job does not require that, and can be done remotely without incurring risk to her or her baby.

         OP, I’m now due in a few weeks, but I asked my employer to switch to remote in early March, before the office closed (voluntarily, ahead of my state) and before the state’s stay at home order was in place. Nobody blinked an eye, and they were eager to accommodate my switch to remote work even before my team. And I’m a litigator in a travel-heavy practice.

         1. I feel like there may be actual data out there vs just going off of “I’m worried.” I feel that if there is a there there re dangerousness, that would be important to pass along (although a desk job isn’t the same as a healthcare setting where there may be exposure daily or better safety precautions taken to counteract any potential exposure that maybe other businesses should adopt).

            1. There’s no data to speak of because this is all still so new. I think a doctor’s note is better than data in this situation anyway, though; rely on the experts.

      2. Some may be able to get alternative work arrangements doing paperwork, or be transferred to units where they would be less likely to be exposed. Many are still working, I’m sure. But that doesn’t mean that OP shouldn’t work from home. She’s not a nurse or a doctor and her job can be done from home so there is no reason to unnecessarily subject herself to the risks of being in the office.

         1. You are correct.

      3. The ones I know of are going to work because work from home is not an option for them. They’re in a very difficult position, and I really feel for them (but I don’t think that changes OP’s situation at all, as her work can be done remotely).

      4. Pregnant women who have to be at their jobs are taking their chances with masks or PPE as far as I know, although my friend, who is an essential worker for her state, was able to secure partial telework during her pregnancy for the part of her job that can be done from home. The other part includes visiting needy families and is considered high-risk, but they’ve each been issued one N95 mask to last all year (…).

      5. The experiences of pregnant doctors and nurses don’t seem relevant here because OP’s job can be 100% remote. Also, I’ve been to several medical appointments in the last month and felt safer there than in my office because the medical facilities took precautions seriously, while my coworkers DGAF.

         OP, push to WFH full time with a doctor’s note.

      6. I don’t know that their experience is particularly relevant here as the OP can entirely WFH and of course should.

      7. I’m a pregnant healthcare provider without the ability to work remotely, and I’ve been in the clinic throughout this entire pandemic. My employer has implemented a universal mask policy, so myself and all colleagues wear surgical masks the entire day. All patients are screened at the door and are also required to wear masks.

      8. My friend who is a (non-pregnant) doctor has been working from home. She works exclusively with diabetes patients, helping them to manage their disease. My impression is that it’s not ideal, but it’s working.

   6. I would. I WFH for the last two months of my pregnancy because it was feasible and bolstered my comfort. I would have zero qualms about doing it during a pandemic, not least a pandemic during the winter flu season.

2. How do you figure out what you have an allergic reaction to? When do you know that you need to see a doctor or get emergency care for an allergic reaction?

   Last night I woke up at 2 am covered in hives on my extremities and face. I was able to get postmates to deliver me some benadryl and it helped — I feel a little itchy this morning but it’s hard to say if it’s psychosomatic and most of the swelling is gone. I suspect it’s possible that my sheets, which I had washed in my building’s laundry room that day, had gotten someone else’s detergent or something on them, since this started after I went to bed. For dinner, I had a few bites of a new-to-me brand of organic chicken nuggets — only ingredient in there that I suspect is “flavor”, everything else is stuff I’ve had before.

   This has never happened to me before — I’ve never had an allergic reaction to anything — other than re-washing the sheets, is there anything else I should do? It was scary in the middle of the night, but I don’t have any idea how seriously to take this.

   1. I’m not sure. I have this exact thing happen every so often, and I also wondered if it was from using the building’s laundry room. My doctors couldn’t care less, but they have downplayed things they shouldn’t have before (I think they think this is anxiety, but I perceive no psychological correlation). I use topical Benadryl and oral Allegra. Definitely if your doctors are concerned there’s allergy testing that can be done.

      1. Every week or so I’ll have an allergic reaction. I think it’s something in part of the house which I can’t pin down. Nasal discharge and sneezing. No idea what to do!

   2. That doesn’t sound fun! If you ever have any trouble breathing then you seek emergency care immediately. If it’s just hives with no issue breathing you can treat it at home.

   3. Wash your sheets and keep a food journal if you think it may be related something you ate. I don’t think you need to see a doctor yet if it’s something that just happened once. Keep some allergy meds on hand.

      In the past year, I’ve started breaking out in hives when I work out and get really warm. I take allergy meds (Claritin) in the morning and that helps.

   4. The advice I’ve received for weird allergic reactions is that if you’re having what you suspect to be an allergic reaction there’s a lot of options, and that’s why it’s really hard to give concrete advice about what your next step should be. If the reaction is “mild” but Benadryl helps, a wait and see approach is most likely fine. If the reaction is mild but Benadryl doesn’t help, maybe a visit to the ER is needed but also a wait and see is fine too. If the reaction involves anything beyond a skin (hives) reaction, but not your breathing capabilities, it’s really up to you to see if you want to treat with Benadryl and wait/see or go seek care. If the reaction is anything that affects your breathing, then just go to the ER or depending on how bad call 911. If you were me, because the Benadryl helped and you don’t mention breathing problems, I would file this away as a data point and mention it at my next appointment. If it happens again, the same way, again I would use Benadryl and as long as it helped, wouldn’t escalate my reaction except for making an appt with my Dr to discuss the next steps. Not every allergic reaction will be identifiable (again, why offering concrete next-steps is hard), but if it happens routinely, it’s just good to know how your doctor wants you to handle it based upon your medical history. Medical intervention is needed when you can’t breathe, otherwise, you’re really seeking constant monitoring and a higher dose of meds for reactions like these. I think when framed like that it’s easier to determine what you want to do next.

      1. My doctor also put me on montelukast since I get asthma symptoms with allergies. It seems to have helped since I’m not getting breathing issues anymore.

   5. I have, and have been told by others it’s fairly common, an allergic reaction to Tide laundry detergent. I am allergic to nothing else. I discovered it in my 20’s, have studiously avoided it for decades, only to have it come back in full force after sleeping in sheets on a bed at a VRBO presumably washed in Tide. Went away as soon as I returned home.

      1. I’m not allergic to the liquid detergent at Tide but have discovered I’m allergic to Tide Pods. DH is allergic to most dryer sheets.

         1. Just walking down that aisle at the store can give me a migraine. Whatever those detergents are made of seems to be pretty intense.

      2. + 1 re Tide. It’s very common. Try all free & clear if it could be detergent.

   6. Sometimes hives are just “random,” which could also be stress related. If there’s something new you’ve used, then definitely think about that. I’ve had hives twice and didn’t figure out a reason for either. One was so bad I went to the ER. I’ve also had skin reactions that I later found out (via an allergy test) were to some scent chemicals, but they presented as big bumps, not hives. Also if you generally react well to them, one a day antihistimines are very good for controlling hives outbreaks (like Allegra).

      1. +1
         I never had hives before until I was in the first trimester of my second pregnancy. They flared up off and on for a week or two and then went away.

         I read a lot about hives at that point and most of what I read said that the culprit can be very hard to pinpoint, there could be some psychological factors at play, and there is not a lot to be done besides an antihistamine unless they become chronic.

         My hives also almost exclusively flared up at night, were nonexistent during the day and then would continue to flare up at night.

   7. If by “extremities and face” you mean ONLY hands and face it’s something you touched. After touching [whatever you are allergic to] you touched your face and transferred [whatever you are allergic to].

      1. Yes, it was just on my arms, legs and face — only a little on the side of my body. I was sleeping in a skimpy tank (that could have ridden up) and shorts so I think the sheets are a likely culprit.

         Thank you everyone!!!

   8. Happened to me once from laundry detergent and once from fabric softener. I switched to some bio eco 0% fragrance brand and that helped (Ecover brand). Had the same reaction once while staying in a posh hotel in Mexico, so I asked them to rewash beddings in clear water only. As I was covered in red patches and blisters, they didn’t even ask. You may have allergy to specific fragrance or ingredient in the wash additives. I would bring it to your doctor and ask for him/her to run topical tests. Insist. This is your health and their job. Get the symptoms now under control (apply some topical antihistamines and take Allegra until your skin is clear) and keep an eye on the laundry additives. Nothing else you need to do.

   9. I would keep allergy meds on hand (benadryl, claritin), and monitor the laundry and food situation.

      I have had an exercise-induced allergic reaction twice, about 20 min into a workout and immedetialy after got an itchy rash and hot feeling on my hands, feet and face. After some googling, apparently vigorous exercise can itself trigger an allergic reaction, in conjunction with food one may have consumed before the exercise. It can escalate into exercise-induced anaphylaxis, which may be life-threatening.
      The first time it happened I went to my employers health clinic right away since the employer gym was just next door. They gave me benadryl and I was fine after 30 min or so. The second time it happened I took claritin right away and it cleared. Leading up to the incidents, I did intense interval running and thought I had specific foods before each session, but of course couldn’t remember 100% not knowing there might be a connection.

      I brought it up with my GP and they said I should carry antihistaminics and consider taking it an hour or two before exercising. Also, I sort of try to be conscious about food I’m eating that day.
      For any sort of strenous exercise regime, I made sure that I was around people/staff in the gym in case something bad happened again.

   10. I’m not a doctor but to me this sounds much more like a reaction to the sheets than a food allergy.

3. Do you have any favorite websites or blogs focused on healthy living? Eating well, exercise, time outside, little tips, reducing stress, etc.

   Not interested in anything talking detox tea, crystals, essential oils, etc.

   1. For eating well, Skinnytaste comes to mind for recipe ideas.

   2. I used to read the Greatist for a while. It covers these topics but ymmv on the tone. It’s some intense, influencer-speak imo.

      1. Yes! Trying to avoid the woo/influencer angle but find a good collection of articles on wellness/healthy living! (I even feel like the term wellness has become too influencer like!)

   3. I’ve been subscribed to emails from Outside for years and they’re just about the only “healthy living” ones I read.

      1. Outside is a pretty great publication all-around. Their longform pieces are often amazing.

   4. I haven’t visited in a while but used to like Summertomato.com. It’s sort of the author’s approach to food as a scientist with links/collected information. And check out the “home court habits” about setting up a healthy lifestyle.

   5. fannetasticfood. She is less about tips, but posts about her healthy life with a young child (meals, outdoors, exercise).

      1. Also, hungryhobby dot net. She’s also an RD who posts about food and exercise. I make some of her dishes.

4. Someone mentioned J.Crew or J.Crew Factory has a knockoff of the Everlane Day Heel. Can someone link to it?

   1. Sadly, I don’t think they have it on offer now. I was off by .5 size on mine and they were so reasonably priced that I would re-order now that mine have some age on them. Mine are maybe 1.5 years old and since I got them on sale they may have been fall/winter 2017 items.

      1. Ditto. They stopped selling them. Definitely 2-3 years ago. I loved those shoes!

         1. NIB on eBay? That’s where I go for my favorite discontinued sneakers.

5. I’m thinking of investing in premium on a dating app but not sure which will give the most bang for my buck. Primarily I’d be paying to use the advanced filters, and to see the list of men who’ve liked me.

   What app are people using to find a serious relationship these days? I’m in NYC, late 30s, looking at men my age and through their 40s. I’m looking for a nerdy, well-educated guy who wants an actual relationship.

   I’ve primarily used OKCupid in the past but the app has gotten worse. I have also used Bumble (meh luck and don’t like being forced to go first), Hinge (just downloaded, seems promising), and Coffee Meets Bagel (just downloaded, also possibly promising).

   And hey, open to personal referrals if anyone here has a weird, sweet genius in their lives who’s looking for a partner – collateral.light at gma1l . :)

   1. I found my weird, sweet BF on Bumble in NYC. We’re both in our late 30s. Took me about a year though — we were both on and off the app the whole time but were taking breaks from it on an alternating schedules so we never intersected.

      1. Thanks (and that’s really nice to hear!).

      2. I also met my beau on Bumble, and (to a point down-thread) I chose it in large part because it didn’t require that I link to Facebook.
         I was a little nervous about initiating conversations at first, but a friend pointed out that men self-select into using Bumble and know the deal. Remembering that these men knew I had to make the first move, so to speak, made me less trepidatious about doing so. Usually there was something in someone’s pictures or profile about which I could ask a question to get the ball rolling. And I liked that because I was in control, generic messages from people clearly playing a numbers game did not flood my inbox.
         So while I have a confirmation bias, I’d encourage you not to give up on Bumble! At a minimum, interrogate what it is you don’t like about being required to initiate the conversation. That might give you some valuable insight by itself with regard to what might work for you.

      3. Just wrote out a longer response, but my handle wasn’t in the name box, so it’s probably in a moderation queue.

         Long story short: I had good luck with Bumble, and so I have a bit of a confirmation bias. But at a minimum, I’d encourage you to interrogate what it is you don’t like about being forced to initiate the conversation. Understanding that piece seems to me like it would give you some insight regarding what might work for you.

         1. Thanks! I just feel like I put forth effort without return on it, whereas if men initiate I have to weed through more, but at least there’s some indication they’re interested before I start spending time. Also I find the lack of ability to filter (without paying) quite frustrating on Bumble.

   2. I think which apps work best completely varies by your age bracket and location. For me, OKCupid was full of sorry looking old men who were scowling into their bathroom mirror or charming scammers. I very quickly learned how to weed out the scammers, but I only had one real date from OKCupid. Match was much more successful. It took a while to get the right combination of photos and what was on my profile, but last fall, I was kind of on a roll with dating multiple people and being able to find guys who would fit better with me. Now, I’m still dating the guy I met in early December and we might be dating other people at this point, if it weren’t for the pandemic. We’re doing great, except that we know it’s not a forever thing, and we’re okay with that. We are both kind of quirky people – intelligent, profane, analytical, physical, and we are completely in sync about how we’re handling the pandemic. What we have found in the pandemic is that we are either finding people who are just interested in sex (which, you know, we have – and more – with each other, so why jump to another person) or who seem great but might be intimidated by a big personality (as he put it, too nice?). I have been texting or messaging with guys, but nothing has gotten to the point of going on an actual date because I am not going to do what I would normally do and go on a bunch of first dates and see how it goes. Obviously, YMMV.

      1. Can you help some of us with the charming scammers? I feel like I have a good job and at this point, am reluctant to share that. Formerly, it was that guys don’t generally like smart women with serious jobs. Now that I’m older, I think that same-age or older men are secure in who they are (but if who they are is a scammer, nope). But I can see it with friends more than I can see it coming. It’s like I want to keep all financial documents out of my house and in a safe at a bank b/c who knows what happens when you sleep? [A good friend was never hit up for $, but he was a good snoop and his waking early for morning runs and to fix her breakfast were something else entirely.]

         1. Oh, these are people who don’t actually live here and who don’t actually want to meet you. They will talk on the phone and text endlessly and have every reason why they can’t meet up (working out of town, etc.). I would pay attention to how they’re handling weather events, if they live in town, or how they talk about where they live. One guy told me that he lived in the French Quarter, but didn’t know any gay people – lolololol – and another declined to tell me what area of the city he lived in. That’s a red flag because people in New Orleans are all about their neighborhoods and very opinionated about it. Also, if someone says that they are a homeowner in a particular area, you should be able to look them up on WhitePages.com. One guy told me two conflicting stories about where his daughter was in school. I’m an academic, so I know how to look up a student in a school directory. There was nobody by that name. I’m a researcher by training and very very skeptical.

      2. “intelligent, profane, analytical, physical” sounds awesome! :) And yes, the idea of going on first dates right now is pretty unnerving unless someone seems amazing.

         I agree what will work best is likely location dependent but I’m hoping there are enough late 30s people in NYC on this site to provide a bit of data!

         I didn’t even think about Match, forgot it was even an option, honestly!

         1. We have agreed that we are both kind of a lot for some people! I think I’m awesome (ha!) but I even have a sweatshirt that says “I’m not for everyone.”

      3. You and I are going through very similar situations. Starting seeing someone pre pandemic from an app, have deleted the app (we both have) but aren’t official yet because why rush when this could be a forever thing? So we aren’t SEEKING out others but we are not official. Side: for this man in his mid thirties, the next girl he makes his girlfriend he wants to be at least sort of certain he could marry he so hey, let’s take our time. But I’m so out of my comfort zone not dating multiple people (or at least seeing what’s out there). It’s really forcing me to own up to my relationship fears and work on what I have fully. I feel like there’s this unspoken phase of dating where you start looking for life partners and demanding more out of romantic partners but aren’t necessarily jumping at the bit to make things official. Wish we could vent about dating more over wine!

         1. Well, my dude hasn’t even finalized his divorce yet and he’s gone through some serious levels of funk in the pandemic, partly because of the mess his divorce has become. They have been separated for two years, but haven’t settled the divorce for financial reasons (he is still mostly supporting her and she doesn’t want to give that up). I completely freaked out when we got involved to the point that I deactivated Match. At the time I met him, I was dating a bunch of people. In fact, we’ve joked about it because the first time he asked me out, I said no (I already had two dates that day) and the second time, I talked him into drinks rather than dinner because I was already going out too much. He asked me to a Pelicans game the night after our first date and I also declined because I had a date with someone else that night. Right now, that kind of dating just isn’t possible and we got to the “we should maybe see other people” point right at the beginning of lockdown. That’s been three months and we’re still together and pretty happy with where we are. We talk daily and see each other on the weekends and the occasional dinner during the week. We’re both really busy with work, but having fun doing things together. He is in the process of buying a bike, so we’ll do that together (he needs to start exercising). He installed a gigantic air conditioner at my house on Saturday and it was… a process… and it was touch and go a couple times, but we never said a harsh word to each other. Anyway, so we’re not at FWB stage, but happily dating, but also knowing that it’s probably not the big love we had maybe hoped for.

            1. Hi NOLA, I’m the OP of the comment you responded to. I do feel weird right now that we’ve both gone off of apps but aren’t official…but are only being intimate with each other. I agree with him that I want to have very strong feelings about the next person I become “official” with. But right now, I just feel like I’m not getting what I want emotionally. This is where I’d normally give up, but I don’t want to give up on this guy but I also want to be honest with my desires. I’m going to start leading by example and see where it goes. Giving it to around the 6-7 months mark to decide if I’m in or out. I just don’t want to download an app and continue my search as a space keeper to what…prove a point at this stage?

   3. Following with interest and wondering whether any of them require Facebook? I don’t have one and never will, which was problematic when I tried to sign up for the apps in the past.

      1. I can say you definitely don’t need facebook for OKCupid. The others I’ve used I can’t remember if I logged in based on facebook but my vague memory is you can do them either way (using fb account or creating account directly with that app).

   4. Following! Anyone have thoughts/successes on dating apps in the DMV for late 20s to mid 30s?

      1. I met my ex (serious) boyfriend on OKC in 2015 when I was in my early 20s and he was in his late 20s. Flash forward a few years, my second date from Hinge is my now-fiancé! We’re both in our late 20s and met in DC in 2018.

   5. Mild rant: back in the day, like, fifteen years ago, eHarm worked really well because almost everyone on it was looking for a serious relationship. It was just a matter of weeding through to find the right serious one for you. Now online dating is basically for everyone, so you get people looking for a serious relationship or marriage mixed in with the serial monogamists, mixed in with the people who want flings, mixed in with the commitmentphobes.

      It’s a hot mess.

      Exactly what kind of weird, sweet genius are you looking for? I’ve got the nerdy engineer who loves board games and reading, the slightly extroverted but awkward and brilliant engineer, the former computer scientist who is really sarcastic but a very good person… c’mon, we need specifics! Do you want an animal lover? A runner? A good cook?

      1. eHarmony had a religious (Christian) slant though, right? I briefly signed up but I’m ethnically Jewish and not religious and it seemed like every man there was looking for a woman who loved Jesus. (This was in a diverse, major city, not the rural Bible Belt, so I think it was very much eHarmony, not my geographic location.)

         1. I didn’t know that. My two sisters both met their husbands on eharmony in the late 1990s/early 2000s. One sister is a full on atheist and her husband is from a catholic family but doesn’t seem to be a believer himself. The other sister and her husband are like the Christmas and Easter only kind of church goers.

      2. I tend toward slightly extroverted but awkward and brilliant engineer or former computer scientist who is really sarcastic but a very good person, but would be willing to take a chance on any of the types you put there! I tend to enjoy dating very smart people who generate interesting ideas and have areas that they are personally interested/passionate about. I’m overall less into physical hobbies like skiing/sports, but personally am into reading, cooking, writing and playing music, science, theater…but I feel like for me it’s more that the person HAS passions rather than that they necessarily match mine exactly. In fact I can be very attracted to people who are experts in areas I don’t know too much about. I’ve dated multiple mathematicians… :)

         And yes, I fully agree it sucks that you can’t filter (without getting premium) that you are only interested in men who have said they want a relationship! Wasting everyone’s time here…

      3. I tried eHarmony because a friend insisted that it was the best , if you wanted a relationship. It was a complete waste of time and money. Expensive and I went on one date with a really uptight guy. Ironically, it was one of the dates I had on the day before Thanksgiving when I could have gone on a first date with my current guy. Live and learn.

   6. I met my husband on Hinge so would throw in a vote for that, although it was in 2014 which is an eternity in dating apps. What I liked about it at the time which was better/different than others was that it was populated by your actual info you had posted on Facebook publicly for profile photo, employer, schools attended, first name. So someone had to have been comfortable sharing that photo with the world as their profile pic in order to share it on the app, which kept everything a bit more grounded in reality. At the time you also only saw matches that had some sort of friends of friends (of friends) connections on Facebook, which again, grounded it within the reality of your social network. I generally found I got the best matches on Hinge, even before I met my husband. Would recommend giving it a shot!

      That said, I was in DC and in my late 20s, so no idea if this is still good advice.

   7. Another vote for Bumble here – met my husband on it in my late 30s four years ago in LA and even other than him, met a lot of great guys looking for serious relationships. I would give it another shot.

6. Has anyone gotten permanent lip color, such as a tattoo, and if so, can you tell me all about it? Light lip color is the only thing I wear daily, and I would love something permanent if it were subtle. TIA!

   1. I know this is not what you are asking. And I have a tattoo in general that I really like, so I am not anti-tat. But the idea of doing this permanently makes me so nervous for you. What if your skin tone changes as you age? Or simply your opinion about what looks good/what you like? I am sure you have thought through all this and this is not a new thought to you, but I passed by this post for the second time, observed there were no encouraging responses, and felt compelled to respond. Ignore me if not welcome. (If there were personal example responses of it working out for someone for the long term, I would’ve chalked it up to “huh, who knew?” and went about my business).
      Good luck.

      1. Also, I cannot imagine how incredibly painful that might be. And a lot of older people seem to have lip deflation / shrinkage (may be related to jaw bone / tooth loss). IDK how this will age as your mouth and lip shape and fullness changes. You might look like you have lipstick smeared outside of your lips when you get older.

      2. +1 to this. I also have (visible) tattoos. But I’ve only known one woman who had tattooed makeup and it was…a lot of look. She was in her mid 50s and had neon blue eyeliner tattooed on her lower lid. I finally asked her about it after 4 years of working together and she confessed she regrets it, but it was free as her former BIL was a plastic surgeon. I know that’s not at all on the same level of what you’re thinking but I would think very carefully about whether you’ll still be into this particular look 30 years from now.

         1. Fully agree. I just don’t even know what’s possible in this space. I was wondering if there’s some equivalent like eyebrow microblading that would be semi-permanent!

            1. It is semi-permanent. And you can see a lot of photos of the person’s work to find out what is possible in this space. It has been around much longer – perm makeup for eyebrows (like eyebrow pencil) is much older than the new trend of microblading (individual hairs) so you can actually see how it ages on older women who have gotten in. My mom got hers more than 15 years ago, has gotten touch-ups etc.

      3. Most permanent lip color is actually “semi-permanent” in that it fades to nothing within two years or so. I don’t think it’s that big of a commitment so long as it’s not a deep red – it can be covered or color slightly changed with lipstick on top if OP changes her mind and then later fades away.

      4. It is not permanent. It fades, is semi-permanent and the color does not penetrate as deep as a tattoo.

   2. My mom has and I plan to get this soon. It’s great – you have to find a person you trust and look at their work for what you like – dimension, color, placement, evenness. It’s good for fixing uneven lips and better definition so it doesn’t like your lips fade into your face. It’s not permanent even though it’s called permanent makeup, so the below poster’s concern doesn’t really apply. It fades slowly and naturally with time, it doesn’t penetrate the level of skin that tattoos do. You can get a “your lips but better” color and better definition so your lipline doesn’t fade into the rest of your face. Highly recommend. I’d probably get this over hylauronic acid lip injections (also not permanent and not duck lips, your body metabolizes it the same as the HA you produce naturally), but maybe I’d be open to both.

      1. Thanks Airplane! This is exactly what I’m looking for. Would you be willing to share where your mom got it done? It would be useful to see an example of what a good place’s marketing looks like so I can find someone in my area!

   3. I would try a good lip stain first; they definitely last a long time.

      1. Suggestion for a specific one?

   4. I haven’t gotten lip color, but did get my brows done, and I LOVE them (I was very very nervous about it and it took a loooong time for me to (a) find the right artist; and (b) book the appointment). I agree with the poster who said this is more of a “semi-permanent” thing, since the artist told me that I will likely need touchups every couple of years. Again, not 100% sure on how long the lip situation lasts. This is the person I used and highly recommend: https://www.sarajustice.com. She has an instagram account where you can see her work in action, too.

7. Summer is here this week, and with it, the start of “what insect is that bite from?!” season. Hoping that what I have are from midgies or flies. Very annoying though! Sympathies to anyone else suffering with insects.

   1. The midges got my ankle on my walk last night, fruit flies have taken over my kitchen, and the snails are eating my veggies. I love this season but ugh, the bugs!

   2. Ugh, same… I am a mosquito magnet!

      1. I can be in a place where there is one mosquito every 2 miles and it will find me. Or if in a place with lots of mosquitoes, they leave everyone else alone and concentrate on me.

         Apparently I am delicious. I hear it’s a blood type thing, but don’t know much more than that. My kids and I have the same blood type, my son will get a few bites, my daughter none, and me about 4,000 bites.

      2. Same! So much commiseration.

   3. I just adopted a dog too so much more walking in the grass. I also live by Rock Creek in DC. My legs are eaten up! I have to get some fake tan on STAT. Curious: do any lotions have bug repellent? Lotions geared towards actually moisturizing.

      1. Sawyer’s has a lotion with picaridin that I’m currently testing. So far it seems to work in my Midwestern area where we had a warm winter and tons of moskitoes right now.

   4. Massive sympathies! I am both an insect magnet (used to think it was just mosquitoes but turns out it’s all biting insects) AND I react horribly to them. Everything becomes a giant welt then blisters even if I never touch the thing. The worst was black flies in Canada one year – did you know that they actually make you nauseated if you get bitten enough? Yeah…I didn’t either until it happened.

      My favorite repellent these days is Sawyer pitcaridin for everyday walking around. It’s not very highly scented unlike DEET. But if I’m going hiking or something, I still use the full DEET.

   5. Near Reno and we have these large indestructible moths that keep me up at night. Just when I fall asleep one will land on my head. Suggestions welcome.

      1. This sounds like a great excuse to by a romantic four poster canopy bed hung with silky curtains!

      2. Mosquito nets!

         1. Thanks!

   6. Commiseration. My husband refers to me as his mosquito repellent because if any are in the area they will find me and leave everyone else alone!

8. From the NYT daily briefing. I liked this and thought it was a good, matter-of-fact reminder of what’s at stake:

   We know how to slow the spread of the coronavirus.

   I know it doesn’t always seem that way. And, yes, there is still a great deal we don’t know about the virus. But there is also a consistent set of lessons, from around the world, about how to reduce the number of new cases sharply.

   You should wear a mask if you’re going to spend time near anybody who is not part of your household. You should minimize your time in indoor spaces with multiple people. You should move as many activities as possible outdoors. You should wash your hands frequently. And you should stay home, away from even your own family members, if you feel sick.

   Government officials, for their part, can slow the virus’s spread by encouraging all of these steps, as well as by organizing widespread testing and competent tracing of people who are likely to have the virus…

   Over the last few weeks, however, the virus has begun spreading across the southern and western U.S., as well as in some other countries. And there’s no real mystery about why. Many people have stopped following public-health guidance. They have gathered in restaurants, bars, churches, gyms and workplaces (sometimes because their employers pressured them to do so).

   Anthony Fauci, the government’s top infectious disease expert, told Congress yesterday: “The next couple of weeks are going to be critical in our ability to address those surges that we are seeing in Florida, Texas, Arizona, and other states.” If the surges aren’t reversed, they will create a much larger pool of people who have the virus and can then spread it to others.

   Whether the U.S. succeeds during this next stage is not a matter of epidemiology or lab science. It’s a matter of political will. It does not even require severe new lockdowns in most places.

   As my colleague Apoorva Mandavilli, a science reporter, says: “There are ways to be responsible and socialize, but people don’t seem to be able to draw the line between what’s OK and what is not. For too many people, it seems to be binary — they are either on lockdown or taking no precautions.”

   1. I think that that is a gross oversimplification.

      E.g., meatpacking plants are essential, can’t close, have close-quarter workers who may also live and commute in close quarters. Business are trying to retool and test, but aren’t allowed to even close (and perhaps we as a society can’t afford for them to be closed) except temporarily for deep-cleanings.

      Also, I get that NYC is not a place where many people have children, but in the rest of the US, with no schools or camps, people have been distancing whether they like it or not since March. Even though my city and state have re-opened a bit, our personal situation hasn’t changed (and that is true for most people I know, but it is hitting poorer people harder and they are not choosing to be Hooray Harries if they get sick, they get sick b/c they don’t have WFH office jobs and have to do something to keep a roof over their heads / get food).

      It’s not like everyone is out swigging cosmos and hooking up. Sure, some people probably are, but some people are not people generally.

      1. It’s not just about swigging cosmos. My friends in red states have sent me news articles/pictures showing mask-less packed gyms, events, and summer gatherings. I think we’re all sympathetic to the essential workers who have been left unprotected by PPE and we need nothing short of a revolution to guarantee their rights, but look around you to see all the optional socializing that’s taking place ON TOP of that.

         1. I don’t even know where gyms are open. Not my state. People are working out on their driveways now that it is warm.

            1. Gyms are open here – OTF is open and they have reduced class size and time, and upped cleanings, but none of the class participants are required to wear masks (and from the pictures on IG from my local studio, none are).

            2. Uh, most of the country has opened gyms. Ours have been opened to 50% capacity since June 1 and we’re still partially in lockdown.

            3. Gyms were among the first thing to open in my state (at reduced capacity), even though they seem less safe than a lot of other things that opened much later. My husband and I joke that the gym lobby must be very powerful.

            4. My state’s gyms need a better lobbyist! They will be among the last things to open.

               E.g., my kids camps are now outside-only if not outright cancelled. And in the SEUS where it could thunderstorm every day, camp is outright cancelled if it isn’t sunny.

            5. What? Gyms are open. Gyms are open in many places in the US.

            6. In NC and can confirm that not only are gyms closed, but our governor has vetoed several gym (and bar) reopening bills.

            7. I’m in NC and gyms are partially open – with outdoor classes, swimming pool, etc. Indoor weights etc not open. Where my brother lives in VA, gyms are open indoors at 30% capacity and in practice that has just meant treadmills spaced further apart which I’m sure does precisely nothing for reducing spread.

         2. +1, my area is approaching reopening with what I think is an appropriate degree of caution – outdoor distanced dining, continued mask wearing when indoors, etc. From what I see of friends and influencers in the South it’s like they have decided Covid doesn’t exist any more. We’re planning interstate travel for next month; while there (even if the locals are less concerned than we are!) we’ll continue to protect ourselves (and them – just in case) by behaving the same way.

            1. IDK that I put a lot of stock in what influencers are doing (if anything, there was no truth in advertising before this; less so now I’d bet).

               In my large SEUS city, I see young/fabulous people going out but where people often have kids in their early 30s, older people are generally stuck at home with their kids (and after 3 months, people have just settled into it) still. Much older people are afraid of getting sick. Teens / tweens hang out outside now or with known neighbors, but it still feels distanced. The new thing is to go on hikes with people or go on bike rides (so bike stores are hopping). Office parts of the city are ghost towns and restaurants have started officially closing for good :(

      2. I’m in a red state and virtually everyone I know is living life completely as normal with a few exceptions: a lot of people are still hesitant to get on planes or go to huge events, and schools/summer camps are still closed so kids aren’t mingling as much as they normally would be. But people are definitely going out to eat, going to church, gathering with friends, getting haircuts, having play dates, doing youth sports, shopping at the mall, taking road trips, running to the store just for one random item, etc. It feels VERY different than it did in March and April. Nobody seems to be wearing masks or following social distancing rules. Surprisingly, our case counts and hospitalizations numbers are still declining but I can’t imagine it will stay that way long term.

         1. My parents in NJ have been to church (outside, limited to 25, small church).

            I live in the SEUS and my very large church is closed and I don’t anticirpate it reopening soon. LOTS of old people. Strong vocal music program. They have a good ability to use their website and don’t want to put anyone jeopardy.

            I think they are still ministering to the sick and doing small graveside services.

         2. Yeah, and I’m seriously side-eyeing the coworkers who are too medically at-risk (according to them) to return to the office but at the same time go on about all their trips, get togethers, parties, etc. I’m doing my best to tune them out, but it’s annoying, since I’m likely to be the one stuck going into the office. I get it – WFH is convenient and was pretty easy to get used to. I don’t see any other way to square being a COVID-denying anti-masker and being too fragile to go to the office other than pure selfishness. /endrant

            1. I don’t know your coworkers obviously, but to some extent, I am making similar choices for myself. I can and will WFH indefinitely. So I won’t get exposed/expose people on public transport/at work/out for lunch. I also won’t go to restaurants, concerts or museums and everyone is masked in shops now, including me. If I estimate how many people I came in contact with in my old life, the potential for me getting/spreading it has dropped by >95% easily. I’m sure it’s the same for most of my friends who work from home. So if I invite two other people who themselves have been pretty isolated to hang out on my patio on the weekend, and then we all go back to isolating during the week, the risk is very low and there is some time in which we could discover if one of us has it. Having that bit of social interaction is so restorative mentally. I think that in the long run, taking this small risk will enable me to stick to the other precautions, such as WFH even though I miss office social interactions.

            2. I agree so hard with your rant.

            3. Do tell, why should we come to the office when we can WFH? What’s one valid reason that isn’t “my coworkers are lonely” or “but in-person is better!!!1”? I will continue to fight for WFH so I can dramatically reduce my risk and give myself a small margin for actually beneficial things like meeting my family for a walk for the first time in months. You can see how that’s very different from commuting and sitting in an office with people you don’t trust to take precautions for 8+ hours EVERY SINGLE DAY, right?

            4. I agree, but the world I want to live in (WFH indefinitely) and the world I inhabit (minimal staffing in the office) are different things.
               It’s turning into a few people, taking one for the team, in the office full time rather than spreading the inconvenience and risk of coming in among some more people so that each person is only in the office 1 or 2 days per week. OK, fine, whatever, but I do with those people who are staying home for work reasons would follow the other COVID risk-minimization advice as passionately, or at the very least not regale the rest of us with tales of their adventures and living the rest of their live business as usual (according to them – not my assumption).

            5. Eh, I mean, sitting inside an office with poor ventilation (ie no open windows, no special air filtration features) with other people for 8+ hours a day strikes me as just about the riskiest thing you can do. I’m pretty laid back compared to most people on this board – I’m fine with eating at restaurants that have low capacity, going to outdoor gatherings, getting on a plane for vacation – but I’m not ok with going to the office. I hope my coworkers aren’t rolling their eyes at me for going on vacation but not coming into the office.

            6. I agree to some extent with anonshmanon and the other replies here, but just want to say that the most important routes of transmission are prolonged, indoor, maskless contact. So while yes, reducing these external potential points of transmission like public transit, office spaces, even restaurants/gyms/hair salons/stores etc is important, the WAY that you are going to socialize with people is also very important. It sounds like those who are posting here are still being socially/physically distanced with the people they see (outdoor porch hangs, walks). In that case, totally agree, if you only see some people rather than living your old life, you are much less likely to be exposed. But its important that when you see people that it is outdoors, ideally with masks. I am most concerned that this guidance is being completely lost/ignored.

               Just because you only see a few friends irregularly does not, sadly, mean that just having dinner with those friends with shared food indoors is okay. There is a reason the early case studies from CDC (and China, FWIW) showed a lot of spread at family gatherings. I know this is probably obvious, but I feel like its a huge problem in how everyone has messaged the phases as relating to businesses and external activities when informal socializing is hugely important.

               Signed,
               Someone who dearly loves dinner parties and misses them a lot

            7. One is still vastly reducing their risk by WFH for both themselves and others. If I decide I’m going to be comfortable seeing some people but not everyone, I’d much rather see my family and friends than see my coworkers.

            8. I am reading this as: there are a group of people that refuse to come into work due to COVID (valid reason) but at the same time are out there living their best life like COVID doesn’t exist and are therefore much more at risk doing these activities than going to work.

            9. Yes, I am most definitely rolling my eyes at the person getting on a plane to go on vacation while they are WFH because they are too nervous to get COVID. You can WFH and you can go on vacation, but saying it’s too risky to come to work while but not too risky to get on a plane is silly to me.

            10. Yep, Anon at 4:11, these are my coworkers. I wish at the very least, they’d have the sense and discretion to keep their “living their best life” to themselves.

         3. I’m in a red state. The majority of people in my state are exactly like this. There are no statewide restrictions whatsoever. I have a relative who works in a store that is only doing curbside and she’s had people literally scream at her that it’s all a hoax, or overblown. There’s also a huge contingent of “we are all going to get it so YOLO” types. Tons of people doing indoor activities with no masks. You would never know there was a pandemic.

            I work in a larger city/suburb and the level of compliance with mask wearing and social distancing is a little better. Of course, there are now outbreaks happening in rural areas. Honestly, I think we will look like Texas, Arizona, or Florida by next month. It’s depressing to watch in real time.

      3. I think you are feeling personally attacked unnecessarily. This is about people who suddenly act as if there isn’t a pandemic. It sounds like you aren’t one of those people.
         I don’t quite agree on the meatpacking. Essential business means that you are allowed to operate, not that you are obliged to operate as if nothing happened. I am aware that in order for meat processing plants to operate safely, meat prices would multiply and I might only buy meat once a month.

         1. And it’s not like we, the American people, actually need them all to be open. They’re doing it for their own profit. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/16/business/meat-industry-china-pork.html

         2. There was also a huge difference between processing plants that took precautions and those that refused to.

      4. Say what? Tons of kids in NYC. Guess you’ve never been here.

         1. I see it as NYC is also a land of hardcore childfree people and people who aren’t parents yet, neither of whom have any idea how locked-down having young kids makes you (never mind adding in losing school / childcare access while having to WFH FT). I’m a bridge-and-tunnel person and among my high school class, >50% of the women are childfree. I was for a long time and it is night-and-day how it affects your life if you continue to work FT.

   2. And in a related vein, this is a very practical approach to the fear many of us are feeling as a result of these uncertain times. https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2020/06/23/era-covid-19-our-fear-doesnt-have-define-us/?arc404=true

      1. Ah, It’s an Opinion piece. What is it promoting?

         1. Did you even bother to read the article? It’s promoting the idea that it is possible to live with fear and also simultaneously take some risks; the key is paying attention to information and assessing risks realistically. I do realize that is a very challenging concept for some folks here who are stuck in one mindset.

            Maybe consider occasionally reading something that doesn’t necessarily confirm your own pre-determined conclusions and ideas. It might help you considerably.

   3. I don’t think we need the finger-wagging. Based on the OK haircutters, we’d be fine if everyone wore a mask. And, honestly, most people in my purple state seem to be doing it, especially if they old or are an essential worker (me), even when not on the job.

      1. I think that’s the problem – we’d be much close to fine if everyone wore a mask, tried not to pile up close to each other, etc. In my neighborhood, and the few times I’ve gone to the grocery store or Costco, people are doing this. But a couple of zip codes away, they’re not.

         We need the whole country to be a lot better about wearing masks and distancing, and that’s definitely not happening. So even those areas that have gotten coronavirus under control are screwed when cases rise elsewhere, because there’s a very good chance they’ll spread across the country again.

      2. Hair cutting is an activity that’s very compatible with mask wearing though. You can’t wear masks while exercising, eating or drinking so even if 100% of people were willing and able to wear a mask (which is definitely not the case), masks alone are not a solution.

   4. I think it was a mistake to force the lockdown in places where the virus was under control. Likewise, while the virus rates were climbing and the state was scrambling for PPE and lifesaving equipment, staying locked up and muzzled made sense here in ny. Now that they’ve plummeted, people need to regain some semblance of normalcy, even if that includes things that the pearl clutchers in this board might balk at (taking! A! Child! Food! Shopping!). Similarly I’m skeptical of the idea that an emergency exists, allowing the government forcing us all into face-less, joyless, jobless home-bound existance unless and until the virus is erraticated, which might be never, rather than during an acute and critical phase of a pandemic.

      Finally, they idea that no one in nyc has kids is deeply ignorant. It’s the single largest school district in this country. The sad truth is that we are absolutely sacrificing the well being, quality of life, mental health and educational future of children in order to protect ourselves from a virus that, for the most part, poses little threat to children. I sometimes think that cuomo’s emphasis on kawasaki disease ( an alarmist message that he never followed up on) was not only to scare parents into accepting the fact that public school is over (the teachers, via their unions are thrilled to “work” from home indefinitely and he cannot stand up to them), but to justify the stance we’ve taken here, namely that we’ll hurt kids to protect ourselves from this virus.

      1. I had a 20% pay cut to avoid furloughs at my company and have been working more to keep on top of changing regulatory guidance.

         Teachers who worked remotely . . . sorely underdelivered and didn’t get any paycuts. And specials teachers . . . AWOL.

         This is burning me up — I think that a large swatch of the employed is taking it on the nose to keep the economy limping along and others are . . . living their best lives at 100% salary???

      2. I agree with all of this from a fellow New Yorker. Someone on the moms site posted a great article form NPR on what we can learn from daycares and schools that stayed open. And I agree that we seem to have decided to sacrifice our children to protect certain segments of the population from this with very little evidence that kids even contribute much to spreading or are seriously affected (aside from fear mongering re Kawasaki disease which no one has followed up on and some internet search digging tells me the initial response included a bunch of cases unrelated to Covid). New York absolutely needed to shut down. But I’m not ok with our government deciding that schools are not a high priority (or even a medium or low priority)

         1. Yes. Many people don’t understand that it’s not just that kids don’t get severely ill themselves. We have strong and increasing evidence that they’re much less likely to spread the virus to others. No child, anywhere in the world, has ever been identified as “patient zero” in an outbreak. We’re destroying an entire generation of children for no reason, while many of the vulnerable people we’re trying to protect are going to bars and visiting their friends and getting sick anyway. It’s absolute insanity, and history will not be kind to the decision to throw children under the bus to protect elderly people who aren’t even taking the necessary steps to protect themselves.

      3. I am going to have to push back on your whole premise here, that there were places that had the “virus under control” in March/April/May. There is a difference in looking at where there were a lot of cases in March where the lockdowns began vs. being under control. The virus being under control means we have the capacity to identify and contact trace all new cases, and treat the people who are ill. While perhaps at the moment of lockdown, there were few enough cases that we could treat them all in some states, it glaringly obvious now that they are surging again that the virus was NOT under control, outside of the brute force mitigation strategy. The only thing standing between Arizona and Florida and Texas being just like NYC was the lockdowns. The states/federal government did not use that time to ramp up the necessary other components to control the virus, and also opened too early when the level of the case load still was prohibitively high for contact tracing. This is well documented.

         Your arguments about children in New York also don’t add up. Of course children need school, and they are thankfully less susceptible to COVID. However social distancing is schools in near impossible, the teachers, support staff, parents, and other family memebers living with these children ARE susceptible to COVID. There isn’t some obvious, easy answer to this. Educators want to be able to serve kids, while also protecting their own health.

         I’d just like to step back and ask why it is it easier to assume that the government wants to force us into a joyless, jobless existence with an associated economic crisis, rather than believing that this is an unprecedented and very difficult to control pandemic that we have not worked hard enough as a country to mitigate, partly due to skepticism and refusal to follow sound public health guidance?

         1. Could not agree with this more (fellow MPH here, FWIW).

         2. Bars have been linked to way more outbreaks than schools, and school children (at least above a certain age) and teachers can all wear masks, while masks are not feasible in bars and gyms. Yet bars and gyms have been open in much of the country for months, while schools remain shut. I’m not saying school is risk-free, it’s certainly higher risk than going for a hike in the woods or something, but please don’t kid yourself into thinking we don’t have school solely because of the challenges involved with making it safe. It’s a challenge to make ANY indoor activity safe, yet much of the country has opened literally everything except school. Because our society, especially in red states, doesn’t value public education and doesn’t care about working mothers. When all other indoor spaces where large groups of people congregate are required to shut, then I’ll believe that shutting schools is actually about public health.

            1. +1000000 school is not any more risky (and all signs point to being less risky given the statistics about children) than many other activities that have resumed.

         3. I’d like to ask you, and the other MPH, to step back and ask yourselves, if I was an economist, or a small business owner, or a parent, or something other than what I am, how would I look at this? What other factors are at play here that I may not have considered? In all your posts, and posts from other public-health people, it’s become clear you are only looking at things through your own, very narrow lens. You continue to be frustrated and outraged because you’re refusing to acknowledge there are multiple ways to look at the pandemic and your very particular perspective and beliefs are just one way of looking at things. It’s been helpful for me to see that because I understand so much more about why our state public health people are in such conflict with everyone who questions the restrictions they are advocating for – I believe they are also only looking at things through their very narrow lens. And I’m in a state where mask-wearing is mandatory and we’re still partially locked-down.

            1. +1

            2. So are you also going to come down on the people who are looking at this through the “me me me” lens?

            3. “So are you also going to come down on the people who are looking at this through the “me me me” lens?”
               Point out where that’s happening and I will.

            4. I think the problem is, this pandemic has given license for a lot of people to decide that because other people’s actions now have an effect on the spread, that everyone is selfish for doing anything outside of their own personal (low) risk tolerance. But it’s just as selfish to say “no one can ever go to a bar again because it has an effect on my potential exposure” And it’s very different from being “selfish” by violating orders while the state was struggling to provide emergency medical care to I’ll people during the height of this thing, which was selfish. There is a big difference.

               I’m willing to put my life on hold so that people aren’t dying in the street because the hospitals are overrun. I’m not willing to put my life on hold indefinitely until all contagious diseases are erraticated.

            5. Literally no one on this site has ever said that we’re putting everything on hold until “all contagious diseases” are eradicated. That straw man is beyond false and tired and yet it keeps popping up.

            6. This is literally a public health crisis. It is a sad state of affairs and representative of the problems that the US is facing (which are far and above worse than any other developed country) that we don’t think that the public health experts perspective is more important than economists’ in a pandemic. We look at the whole of society in our work.

               Just because I understand the difficulties in containing this virus doesn’t mean I can’t also care about the other concerns. Public health is literally a population/systemic level discipline. But if you decide not to care about the virus, people will die.

               79 teachers/educators died in NYC since March, as young as 29 years old. https://www.thenation.com/article/society/schools-teachers-covid/

               Do you know any teachers? Do you know anyone who works in the school systems? Schools desperately want to reopen. Public health experts desperately want kids back in school for serious health and non-health related concerns. But schools are also constant daily indoor gathering places that allow exposure between hundreds of families who wouldn’t normally come into contact with each other. No one goes and sits in the same bar every day for 8 hours, with dozens of people.

               I wish the virus weren’t with us and I wish people would wear their masks and not spend time indoors with others and I wish we would invest in good contact tracing so we could really open up further. But I don’t think my realism in the face of the pandemic is having a selfish/limited worldview and I’d like you to think about why that is the assumption you make.

            7. I also work in public health, and your argument that bars are less risky because you don’t spend 8 hours a day there is really not grounded in facts. A school where you see the same people all day, every day is FAR safer than a bar where a different mix of people are there every night — especially if you’re talking about a potentially infected staff member. An infected bartender could easily expose thousands of people over the course of just a couple of days. An elementary school teacher really isn’t exposed to anyone except the ~20 students in their classroom. Plus,
               1) Teachers and students can be masked at all times, except during lunch and lunch can be socially distanced and/or held outside most of the year. Patrons in bars are basically never wearing masks because it’s impossible to drink while wearing a mask. I also reject the argument that keeping distance in schools is harder than in bars. Have you not watched the news? There are photos and videos of packed, overflowing bars, with no one wearing a mask except possibly staff, from many different regions of the US (including NYC, so this is very much not just a “redneck south” problem).
               2) A school is basically the easiest environment there is for contact tracing. Bars keep no record of who is there on any given day. A school can tell you with absolute certainty the names of every person that was in the school building on a given day, and can probably give you a lot of detail about where they went and who they interacted with. If a student tests positive, their immediate classmates and their family members can be asked to self-isolate for 2 weeks. Someone tests positive and tells you they hung out at a bar the day before their fever started and guess what? You have NO WAY of finding everyone in that bar. You can put out a public health bulletin, but it’s going to reach a small fraction of the people who were there, plus if you don’t have names you have no way of enforcing quarantine orders if people choose to disobey them. This is contact tracing 101 and the fact that you’re either ignoring this or don’t know suggests to me that you’re either not really an expert or being willfully obtuse.
               3) You’re ignoring all the science that kids don’t transmit the virus, so if you can keep teachers masked and distanced from each other and students, you’re probably 95% of the way to a successful school reopening. Multiple public health officials have argued students don’t even need to be masked in schools, because the benefits don’t outweigh the downsides of masks. And certainly the downsides of asking children to wear masks are MUCH smaller than the downsides of having no school for another year.

            8. Also, we’re not the only country in the world dealing with this, and there is a lot of data from other countries to provide information about the relative risks of various activities. Europe and Asia have had multiple outbreaks linked to bars and nightclubs (which has resulted in renewed closure of those establishments in some cases), but have successfully had schools open without major outbreaks for months now. It is possible. If you want to give up on the idea of school without even trying it with measures likes masks, etc., but you’re willing to open bars, you have reasons beyond public health.

            9. “But I don’t think my realism in the face of the pandemic is having a selfish/limited worldview and I’d like you to think about why that is the assumption you make.”

               I’ll think about it if you agree to do some more self-examination; it’s pretty obvious you’re not interested in doing it and that you’re absolutely convinced you’re right, but hey – my hope springs eternal.

               Couple of thoughts.

               – I am not sure if you posted the original post at the top of the thread, or if it’s you that has been posting things like the article that got posted the other day about how the U.S. response to the virus has been “100 times worse” than other countries. Sharing information is great but I am starting to question the motivations of people who continue to stoke the fire on this, and catastrophize without problem-solving, here and elsewhere. I work with some public health folks and epidemiologists and my impression is that while many of them outwardly express sadness, many of them seem *excited* by this. Like this is the moment they have been waiting for and preparing for their whole lives and NOW they get to be the media superstars and have their hard work and subject-matter expertise acknowledged and they will be out front making decisions. And a lot of their frustration seems to be stemming not from the idea that the pandemic is killing people but that they aren’t being properly appreciated and acknowledged and feted for their insights and wisdom. A couple of them expressed to me that they are angry the media is not calling them for quotes instead of our mayor. They don’t seem to understand that there are different roles for everyone in this and that maybe this is not their moment to shine and dictate, but a moment for everyone to come together and figure out solutions. In the absence of adulation – or people adhering to what they have decided is the “right” thing to do – it seems like a lot of these folks are going into petulant sulking. Despite the fact that instead of gathering information from people and factoring in people’s actual thoughts and behavior into their models, they’ve remained in echo chambers that reinforce what they already believe. I seriously question whether some of these folks went into public health because they were really interested in the common good, because the behavior I’m seeing doesn’t bear that out. They want to be petted and congratulated for being altruistic enough to devote themselves to public health (even though they’re pretty well compensated for their work) but their actions and words don’t speak to an altruistic motivation. If that’s not you, great.

               – Additionally, there’s a person who keeps bringing up testing and contact tracing and how it’s still insufficient and we’ve done a terrible job as a nation with this, etc. That’s all 100% true. But I have not seen anything posted about “and as a result here’s really what the next step should be.” Reading between the lines, in a few posts I’ve seen people seem to advocate that because we can’t get adequate testing and contact tracing we should just stay in lockdown until governments get their acts together. Which is A. not realistic and B. not a reasonable ask. Especially when we’re talking about the federal government, I am not going to sit and hold my breath in regards to them getting their act together on anything. I wouldn’t trust the current federal administration to hand me a breath mint. So, I am not sure if there’s advocacy around the idea that, well, because our government is so screwed up the lockdowns must continue but if you, or others believe that, I hope you know that is an outrageously naive and unrealistic position to take.

               I guess at the end of the day I have substantial questions about anyone who continues to post about Coronavirus and isn’t sharing their own experiences, asking questions, or answering questions, but instead seems to be reveling in this like it is some kind of disaster p0rn and the worse it gets the more salaciously they enjoy it. Additionally, I find it interesting that some folks seem to not be picking up on the idea that regardless of someone’s degree or profession, there is not just one right or wrong answer to every single situation that can be applied. There’s tone-deafness and fingers-in-the-ears attitude here that I hope is not being applied to people’s actual work, especially in public health, because if the impermeability to feedback and information I see in the posts here is replicated in public health officials’ professional lives, we are well and truly sunk.

            10. Anon@3:36, your post makes a lot of assumptions about public health officials (I am not one). The whole notion of ‘they went into this career waiting for this moment to be a hero’ is ridiculous and borders on the level of government-distrust that you normally hear from conspiracy nuts. Public health officials were hired to give expert advice about a field they have studied in depth. It’s not new that politicians don’t take all of their advice and often other considerations trump public health advice. Not having your suggestions heard is one thing, but getting death threats, having protesters in front of your house and facing baseless accusations like they are excited by an event that is killing people in their community, that’s reason enough to ‘sulk’. They are doing the job that we the public hired them for.

            11. thank you to anon at 3:36!

      4. Why is “work” in quotes here regarding teachers working from home? They can’t fake teaching classes and grading assignments.

         1. It varies by state and district, but in a lot of places teachers weren’t giving live lectures. They were just sending out videos (often just videos they found online, not even videos they recorded) and assigning worksheets, which often weren’t even graded. To be clear, I’m not a huge fan of homework for young kids, and I don’t think it’s a tragedy if K-6 students have a few months of “school” that consists of reading and play outside. But it’s definitely true that a lot of teachers had a verrrrry light workload last spring. Now, everything happened very suddenly in March, and most districts are saying things will be more structured come fall. But I’m not really holding my breath.

         2. Sitting in your house and talking on a computer is in no way the same as teaching a class full of children.

            1. Teachers did not choose this situation or these changes to their jobs. If they’re advocating working from home for safety, that’s the same as many people in many industries right now. If some are exploiting it to slack off, that is not specific to their profession either.

      5. Muzzled? Faceless, joyless existence? Oh boy.

      6. yes! this.

   5. “They have gathered in restaurants, bars, churches, gyms and workplaces (sometimes because their employers pressured them to do so).”

      My church asked for young, healthy people to act as ushers. They put free tickets on EventBrite to limit the number of people in the building (runs at approximately 1/5th capacity), added extra services, and have people sit two pews apart and at least six feet apart in the same pew. Masks are required for everyone over the age of 2. Services are live-streamed for those who do not feel comfortable attending.

      It’s not productive to slam everyone for not being careful when there ARE people who are trying to reopen in a very thoughtful and risk-averse manner.

      1. I feel like this is just more “pile on the red / SEUS states.” Old wine in a corona bottle.

9. I’d love to hear some reflections on others who also struggle with the following…:

   I make this connection in my head that if I am not always busy (whether with my own life, friends, or romantic partners), it’s a reflection on myself. I’ve finally started therapy but due to a move, am starting with a new person, and am having problems with vocalizing this issue and where to start unpacking it. I’m not fearful of being “alone” (as in, I’m not jumping from relationship to relationship because I think I’ll never get married). But if I’m not keeping myself very busy, I start to think about how in that moment I’m not having any socialization and what that means about me and my relationships. Outdoor dining is open in my city and there’s ample park parties, so it’s getting a little worse. For example, if I don’t have plans with the man I’m casually dating or with my own friends, I think it’s this whole reflection on ME and this guy will think my life is focused on him because I’m not doing my own social thing. I don’t necessarily put these worries on other people, I’m fearful of being a pest and coming off as “needy” or “emotional.” If anyone else thinks like this and has had success in locating a point in there past that may have caused it, I’d appreciate hearing it if you feel comfortable sharing.

   1. I won’t have great advice, because I come from the opposite end (I despise the constant complaining how busy we all are). But I think your articulation of the issue is fine, I get what you mean! And kudos for recognizing the pattern and tackling it! That’s such a big, big step!

   2. So I don’t have this issue personally, but my husband definitely has the mindset particularly on weekends that he needs to maximize his time and is constantly trying to fill his day. He ends up exhausted, especially now with the summer heat and his outdoor hobbies. His stems from a strong disdain for his job (and every job he’s had for that matter) and the feeling his has to make his time off work “count”. He has some anxiety/depression issues that he is getting treatment for, but I can empathize as an outsider. I think most people are generally happier when you are busy, particularly with things you enjoy doing. Sitting idle makes the hours to crawl and lots of internal thoughts about wasting time (and your life) doing nothing meaningful, but that can also lead to overscheduling yourself.
      I always try to encourage him to fill those “what next” moments with simple non-exhausting tasks. Like schedule that appointment you’ve been meaning to for months, or cook something tasty, or even 1 load of laundry. You can feel like you did something without running yourself ragged.

   3. I’ve never been in your shoes so I don’t have any good advice from that perspective, but perhaps something you could explore in therapy (or even do your own research or polling of friends/family) is what a typical week looks like for most people in terms of socialization (pandemic notwithstanding). Do most people spend every evening and all of both weekend days engaged in social activities with other people? What percent of time do people spend at home NOT socializing (watching TV, reading, scrolling on their phone, doing chores, aimless vegging)? Maybe start with what a typical week looks like for you, then ask a couple close friends, your casual guy, a sibling if you’re close.

      This research and discussion with a therapist might help you to level-set what’s “normal” and how large a range “normal” can be. For an extrovert, “normal” is probably an activity (dinner, happy hour, cultural or sports event of some kind) most days of the week with a variety of people. For an introvert (like me!) who isn’t dating someone, “normal” is about one evening per week with some kind of social activity (happy hour usually) plus one or two weekend activities that do NOT take up the whole day. If I am dating someone, I spend a lot of those evenings when I would normally be home alone with the guy, but certainly not all of them. In between, there’s a solid handful of emails, texts, and Slack chats with a bunch of people.

      Also something to explore in therapy is whether someone in your past accused you of being needy or emotional, and all of the context around that? Were you really being needy, by a normal objective standard? Or was the other person using “too needy” as an excuse for wanting to end a relationship when there were really other issues at play? Or did you observe someone in your family behave this way, etc. etc.

      Good luck to you! I hope you can find ways to articulate this with your therapist and can gain some peace of mind.

10. Does anyone have a good drug store face cleanser for, well, maturing skin? I’ve been using Clean and Clear for years, and I guess it’s fine, but it recently occurred to me that it really seems targeted for the 25 year old I was when I started using it, not the 40 year old I am now. My skin is occasionally dry but still gets greasy sometimes, and I want something that will cleanly take off make up. Nothing complicated or too expensive or hard to find.

    1. Try Cerave. I’ve used both the hydrating and the foaming versions and prefer the foaming. You can buy the little travel sizes to test them out before committing to a big one.

       I also love the Garnier SkinActive Gentle Sulfate-Free face wash (what a mouthful!) but have found it difficult to find in stores lately.

    2. Does amazon or Ulta count as ‘easy to find’? I really like the CosRx good morning cleanser, it’s between $9-$11 depending on where you get it and if there are sales. I use a cleansing oil first (innisfree green apple or banila clean it zero) to remove makeup and my daily sunblock, but this alone can easily take care of non-waterproof mascara and light makeup.

    3. I really like the Banila Co cleansing balm (Ulta, CVS) and Derma-E cleansers (Target, Whole Foods, Ulta). The cleansing balms can handle some eye makeup too and I find they keep some moisture in my skin.

    4. I switch between Cerave hydrating cleanser and Vanicream – both available at Target.

    5. I use Cetaphil at my dermatologist’s rec, and it works.

       1. Same. I bought a few products from her but for cleanser it was old reliable Cetaphil (or Cerave, fwiw – she loves both).

    6. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

    7. Cetaphil

    8. Ponds cold cream for makeup/spf removal, Cerave hydrating for a cleanser

    9. I use either La Roche posay cleanser (they have a creamy one and a foaming one… I like both) or I use pixie double cleanse (available at target).

    10. We might have similar skin – I’m mid-30s and very oily in t zone and top of cheeks/jawline. I also was using the clean & clear and it works great, but also liked the Neutrogena naturals foaming cleanser (white bottle) and had a decent experience with the Neutrogena lime green cleanser as well. Cerave foaming I found never actually really cleaned my face – I wound up having to wash like 3 times. Same with Cetaphil, it just doesn’t cut through the oil on my face and I wind up with breakouts after about 1-2 weeks of use. In the winter when my skin is slightly less oily I like the Neutrogena cleanser w hyaluronic acid – tall blue thin bottle. If you can find it, the Weleda gentle cleansing foam also worked for me but I’m not a huge fan of the scent (very bright)

        1. co-sign, I actively dislike cerave and cetaphil and am always shocked others recommend it. If you wear any makeup you’ll need a real cleanser; I am currently in love with Pacifica Sea Foam cleanser because the 60 seconds of ocean smell truly make me feel better.

11. Does anyone have a good, basic hair tie recommendation for a simple hair tie with strong elasticity?

    My go-to had been Goody’s thin black bands (with the black metal crimp). However, even when I can find the style with the metal crimp, the band itself isn’t as sturdy as it has been in the past. ‘Ouchless’ styles are universally too wimpy and stretch out within hours.

    I have fine hair but a lot of it, straight and shoulder length. The ‘bobble’ style (the kind that looks like a telephone cord) don’t give me the sleek, basic pony that I’m looking for.

    1. Fishnet hair ties are my favorite. You should be able to find them under the Scunci brand at most drugstores.

    2. I really like the Pony-O (as seen in FB ads). It looks like a plain leather band, but has a strong metal insert that really holds up ponytails. My hair is fine and normally ponytails are limp and slump throughout the day. This fixes the problem very nicely. Also allows me to make a cute bun that stays up without a lot of pins. I’m probably going to order another one.

       1. I too love my Pony O, and my hair is very, very thick and very, very coarse–basically the opposite of what you’re describing. Thus, it seems likely that the Pony O may work for a variety of hair types.

    3. I’m a big fan of this style: https://www.amazon.com/Scunci-Active-Damage-Hair-Elastics/dp/B00VKM4LJI/

       1. My daughter is a gymnast, and these are the only things that will keep her ponytail in.

    4. Same kind of hair. I’ve used either the Scunci version of the ouchless bands, or Goody’s. The key for me seems to be to get the thicker bands. The thin ones either stretch or fall out. I also loop them three times instead of two to get a tight hold because my hair will slide right out of a pony if there is some wiggle room.

    5. I’m following because I need a recommendation for these as well. The last batch of Scunci metal-free ponytail holders I got at Walgreens were awful; half of them broke the first time I tried to use them. I won’t be buying those again but haven’t come up with a viable alternative.

    6. I think it’s Scunci, but they make an ouchless elastic (no metal crimp) that has an inside band of silicone …. keeps it from sliding and the elastic is very thick. I think they might say for working out, but the band is flat, not round. You might also try the bungee cord like ones … easier to tighten exactly as you need. I can never find them in stores, but usually amazon has them.

       1. I have these and they are great. I have tons of very fine, soft hair, and most ponytail holders just slide right out after a little while. These stay put even through a vigorous workout!

    7. Thanks everyone! I just emailed myself this thread for reference while shopping.

12. Has anyone bought (or seen in the wild) an Aspinal of London bag? I’ve been searching for a top-frame bag without a ton of hardware for a looong time but am not about to pay for a Kelly or Birkin. The Aspinal florence frame bag seems to tick all my boxes (retro/classic design, no obvious logos, big but not too big, croc print, color other than black or brown, etc.) but I’m reluctant to buy something over $1k sight unseen. And my quarterly trips to London are obviously not happening for quite some time. I’m willing to save up and wait, but would appreciate any personal insight into the brand!

    1. I have an Aspinal padfolio which was a graduation present and it’s GORGEOUS. I wish I did a job where it was appropriate to use it more often.

    2. Oh, such beauties!! I haven’t bought or seen them before but now I’m drooling. I love bags like these so much.
       You might also like the mansur gavriel elegant bag – they run more like $700, depending on the retailer. The Brahmin Melbourne Juliette looks similar too, and Dillards has one for about $300. But if you do spring for the Aspinal Florence please report back, I’d love to hear your review.

    3. Oh, man.

       You could have gone all day without letting me know these existed! Look at the ivory and camel!!!

    4. A luxury Youtuber I follow (Sophie Shohet) has an Aspinal bag and really seemed to like the quality of it.

    5. Oooh the green crocodile . . . I’m drooling.

    6. I used to drool all over these in Selfridges in! Never owned one but they look and feel beautiful.

       1. *in London

13. Mini rant/just seeking commiseration…..Anyone else ready to send their spouse (and kid(s) if you have any) awayfor a long weekend so that you can have some time to yourself? I love my husband and our 13 month old dearly, but with both of us WFH full time, plus a full time nanny here, there is just a lot going on all the time in our house. I used to look forward to weekends where I didn’t have to leave the house (probably because I had been working all week long and hadn’t spent much quality time with DH or the kid), so home was my sanctuary. Now I’m debating being one of the volunteers that goes back into the office in our “phase I” reopening to just not be at home 24/7. (I drive to work, park in my building, have my own office, and everyone else in my practice group (so the 3-4 offices on either side of my office) have said they’re not coming in until someone makes them… so my working from the office is unlikely to result in me encountering any other people).

    If they left for the weekend, I’d deep clean our kitchen (without two people coming behind me eating (one of which loves to throw food on the floor)) and have it stay clean for more than 15 minutes, and then order myself sushi from the restaurant only I like, while watching a TV show only I like, and just have the house be quiet. No obligations to talk to anyone, etc. I have expressed this frustration to my husband and he’s taken the baby out on walks/play outside in the backyard so I can have some time in the house by myself. It’s helped a little, but I just feel like my sanctuary of home is now… no longer a sanctuary. It’s affecting me more than I anticipated. Okay… rant over.

    1. Yes yes yes all of this. Or better yet, I’d get away myself. Whenever I feel comfortable getting on a plane again, I’m going to an all-inclusive resort or spa for a long weekend by myself.

    2. I feel this so hard.

       Mom of a 4 year old, all 3 of our family at home since March 11.

    3. Omg yes. I have not had a night away from family since before I was pregnant with almost 2 year old. Had planned a couple of trips this spring (work travel and a trip to see my 96 year old grandmother out of state, sigh) but at this point would settle for 24 hours of quiet in my own home.

    4. Ha — I am having surgery next week and it will be awful / painful and yet it will be the only time since forever where I can hole up in my bedroom and just be alone. I have a sitter and my spouse will be WFH, so I expect to just rest and recover . . . ALONE.

       1. I had to have surgery last year and work was so crazy leading up to it that I looked forward to that painful recovery so much because I could just rest my brain during that time.

    5. I hear you but want to caution you not to take the unnecessary risk of going in to work just to get out of the house. There’s many reasons not to do this. It weakens everyone else’s argument to work from home & you could be in a full office sooner rather than later for one thing. Maybe you could schedule regular alone time at home … also get alone time by going for walks or to the coffee shop alone, taking long baths, etc.

    6. Man, props and strength to you and all parents right now. I’m one of five siblings, and I keep thinking about how my own parents would have dealt with this. My mom was mostly WFH and my dad would have been essential. No camps, no library, no sports practice … and one clunky PC on dial-up. We would have gone absolutely feral.

    7. I am right there with you – I would love the ability to clean out and clean the house without any audience. Then do a bunch of stuff that no one else in my house likes to do, without an audience. My 9yo is sweet, unless he’s having a meltdown over a video game. My formerly easygoing 12yo is super critical and moody (it’s the age but it’s also the isolation). My spouse is stressed and being incredibly needy, Yes, it’s the freaking end of the world because you have a dental appointment to fix some necessary stuff and you can’t sleep because you keep checking the coronavirus statistics.

       1. OP here – the “without an audience” hits the nail on the head! I don’t mind that my family is here, I just feel like they are watching everything I do the time. My husband is a night owl, so he is often up later than I am watching his TV shows or playing Catan online with friends and on zoom with them, so he gets his me time. I tried cleaning out my closet last weekend and within 15 minutes, my husband was in there, asking me what I was doing. Our 13 month old is, by all measures, an “easy” kid. I just want like 24 hours where no one is looking for me! This is when I wish we had a true guest room that I could just go into and come out in 24 hours.

          Thanks all for letting me vent. I appreciate it.

          1. Glad to help! 13 months is an adorable age (so tiny! so mobile! so loud!) but also exhausting because they aren’t really able to tell you what they want. Then again, 12yo can tell me exactly what she wants and it’s exhausting.

    8. I could have written almost this exact post. I have no solutions or suggestions just commiseration and hugs.

    9. Last weekend I went to the coffee shop when it opened at 7 am and worked at one of the tables outside for a little while. It was so great to be alone and felt quite safe.

    10. Go for a drive … like not 20 minutes but drain the gas tank, blast your favorite music, get out of town drive. Did it last week and it did more for me that I thought that it would.

14. I need a jacket go over dresses/jeans for things like park picnics and socially-distanced walks with work colleagues / friends. It’s in the high 60s to mid 70s and very damp (PNW). What’s the style I should be looking for? I have a patagonia fleece I wear with jeans for the super casual days, but I’d like something that makes me feel put-together and trendy.

    1. I think CapHill Style posted a bunch about her love of the LLBean utility jacket. I’d go with something like that, or, if you want something more waterproof, I think the Barbour jackets are cut in a really nice ‘feminine’ way and have some nicer colors.

    2. Leather moto jacket would probably be my pick, but personally I would find a leather jacket to warm at those temps but if you are wearing a fleece you might be ok. Or a denim jacket. I like the look of this one: https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/kut-from-the-kloth-helena-denim-jacket-liberal/4980145?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=liberal

    3. What about something in waxed canvas or waxed cotton?

       This one from J.Crew looks cute: https://www.jcrew.com/p/womens_category/coats_and_jackets/utilityjacket/the-downtown-field-jacket/19034?color_name=mossy-brown
       A lower-priced one at LL Bean: https://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/121084?page=ripstop-field-jacket&bc=32-516686-302-6703&feat=6703-GN3&csp=s&pos=45

    4. I like this in white – bonus, has pockets for your stuff! No purse needed!
       https://www.everlane.com/products/womens-denim-chore-jacket-bone?collection=womens-outerwear

    5. I just bought two new jackets after years of hating the only summer weight jackets I had (very very casual or a thin trench, nothing in between, and nothing waterproof other than a full on hiking waterproof).
       I bought the Joules Shoreside waterproof which I looooove, and also a field/utility jacket thing in a thick cotton. Our beer gardens are opening next month but I live in Scotland so I will get lots of use out of both.

    6. What about the field jacked from yesterday? Or just a basic jean jacket. As long as it isn’t the same color as your jeans, it’s not a total no no.

15. Can anyone share helpful dating strategies for someone who has done online dating on and off for years and never really had success? I’ve been on so many dates and met some good guys, but I’ve never found a relationship and I’m just tired. My last relationship was several years ago and we were introduced through mutual friends. I’m starting to feel like it’s never going to happen.

    Things I have tried:

    1. Going all in at online dating like it’s my job. Maintaining a full inbox, trying to filter and respond to everyone who expresses interest in me if I am interested, and also proactively messaging first to guys who interest me. Result: burnout and frustration. Feels like I have to sacrifice everything else in my life to keep up with the *possibility* of meeting the right guy. Realistically, I can only keep up meaningful conversations with 3-4 guys at a time before I start to lose track of who said what, especially if we haven’t met yet.
    2. Keeping it going on the back burner, checking once a day for 15-20 min to message and tend to my inbox. Result: some good prospects drop off the map, possibly because I’m not engaging enough. Sense that I may be missing out on some good guys because I’m not making it my #1 priority.
    3. Giving up completely and focusing on the things in my life that make me happy. Problem is, none of those things lead me to meeting eligible men, especially now that we’re in a pandemic.

    It’s been so hard to deal with this cycle: face the possibility of really never meeting anyone, getting frustrated and depressed, telling myself I have to WORK AT IT because it’ll never happen if I don’t, working hard at it and still having limited results… rinse, repeat.

    I’ve tried Bumble, Hinge, and OKC. 5+ years ago I really liked OKC, but the vibe seems to have changed and I’m kind of turned off by the overly long profiles. Right now I’m on Hinge and I really like the interface and the way it encourages dialogue.

    1. I was successful with an amended approach to your first strategy – check often but only engage with people who were almost 100% of what I was looking for on paper. That way I only went out with real prospects (not as often as with your approach), but no burnout and I met my husband that way. It’s also just hard and will be discouraging- I think accepting that as part of the deal helped me too

    2. I could have written this. Actually, I have, in text messages to friends and said it to my therapist. So, you’re not alone. I started dating someone (we met through an app) about 6 months ago and he’s fantastic. The only thing that I “did differently” was I was finally in a better headspace. I can’t even say for sure how I got there, but I finally just turned a corner and felt interested in meeting new people and changing up my cycle of working all the time/being frustrated about dating/ruminating on an old fling and the stories I attached to that. I think we’ve been successful because of the 4 years of therapy I did in between my last serious relationship.

       One thing that helped me a lot was being ruthless with who I met up with. Focus on 1-2 guys at a time so I don’t get overwhelmed. If I wasn’t actually attracted to him, no going on dates and hoping attraction would materialize. Always lead to misery for me. If I saw a deal breaker, no. Not worth the investment. If he didn’t put in effort, bye. If I wasn’t interested in our conversation, no date. I know myself and know that if I’m not feeling a spark on the first date, it’s just not going to happen for me. That might mean that I’m missing out on some compatible guys, but it’s also saving me from burn out/wasting time, feeling bad for letting guys down, and the endless awful cycle of “he’s great, please like him, you’ll be alone, please just like him, is this the best I can do? am I settling? Why don’t you like him…”

       Good luck OP. Also, focusing on things that make you happy is always crucial, but you know that :)

       1. Exactly your second paragraph – that’s a better explanation of how I screened too (and it’s hard!! There’s so much pressure to give things a chance but I also know myself and I’m not that flexible with dealbreakers, and I had a lot of those)

    3. You are not alone in this experience. I don’t have a good answer for you. I live in a small town and the nearest largish center is 3.5 hours away. I’ve seen the dating pool on various apps over time and I feel like we’ve reached the era of ‘peak Tinder’. Users who used to make an effort in terms of profile content now just post photos. The same men are on the apps all the time, which fairly clearly suggests they are not interested in commitment. To me it seems like the pendulum has swung too far to hook up culture.
       My solution has been to quit for now. It doesn’t feel the same as taking a break. That was what I did when I needed time for me, whether to get over disappointment, or adjust my attitude, or learn from my dating experiences, etc. This isn’t about me now. I have decided that my needs, expectations and values are legitimate. The market just isn’t meeting my needs. So I am quitting until the market corrects.
       Told you- not a good answer. But that’s my approach to the problem.

    4. I’m in a similar boat. I’ve tried mentioning to friends that I’m looking, in case they know anyone who would be my type of guy, but no luck there either.

    5. When I was using the apps, I forged a path probably somewhere between your 1 and 2. I only went on dates two nights a week, not on the weekend until a third date or so, but I would often do two dates a night, especially for first dates. I had a whole system–two places within walking distance from each other, equidistant from my house, no more than an hour for any date, one starting at 530 or 6 and the other one at 7 or 730. Home by 9. It kept me from being burned out because it staked out time in my life for other things. And I was able to approach it as more of a game than a chore, which was a hugely helpful framing device.
       Also, there is a part of me that says if someone is truly a good prospect for you, they’re not going to drop off the map because you’re not engaging enough. This seems especially likely to be true if you’re following the (I think good) conventional advice of meeting in person early (recognizing that the in-person meetings are made nearly impossible by Covid, but I’m talking about a pre-Covid world given that it sounds like you’ve been at this a while). When you say you’re checking once a day for 10-15 minutes, is that enough time to really strike up a conversation with anyone, in real time? If not, I’d encourage you to try 2 or even 3 times a day, without being tethered to it like it’s your job. Those real time conversations are really important to developing a sense of who someone is and whether to meet them in person.

    6. I sympathize. I also struggled with the right approach to dating apps. Here is what worked for me.

       (1) Reserved Monday nights for going on dates. This kept the higher quality weeknights and weekends free for me to spend with friends and family, or on myself.
       (2) Made clear in my profile that I was looking for a serious relationship.
       (3) Did not talk to more than 2-3 guys at the same time. I forced myself to determine whether I felt a spark with the person, was excited about seeing them, and saw partnership possibilities after about the second (or third, at the latest) date. If I did not, I told them honestly, thanked them for the dates, and wished them luck.
       (4) Trusted my gut when I was excited. When I met someone who I felt a spark with, I stopped going on other dates and focused on our relationship to see where it could go.
       (5) Let myself go on dates with people with whom, based on the profile alone, I didn’t expect to feel a spark with.
       (6) Did not unnecessarily prolong app conversation. Kept it polite, learned a bit about the person, and then tried to meet in person soon thereafter. I found in person interactions more probationers of chemistry and connection.

16. Bloomberg Businessweek has an interesting article called “Don’t Return to the Office Until You Read This: An 8 part plan for reopening,” outside the paywall.
    I’ll put the link in a reply.

    The reporter says she talked to “scientists, interior designers, public-health and building experts, and others.”
    It made me think about things I hadn’t, before. Our small business owns our building and leases office space to a dozen other companies. This article makes me consider the extensive renovations the tenants might reasonably ask us to do, and other measures like spacing all the buildings’ tenants’ visitors in our 2 elevators.

    1. https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2020-06-18/follow-these-steps-before-returning-to-the-office?srnd=businessweek-v2

    2. yeah the death of commercial real estate is coming.

17. I’ve turned a corner and instead of worrying about imposter syndrome, now I’m worried about being a bad feminist. My company has no women in positions of power in my department (and not many in our industry as a whole). I know that I could do the job, and it is mine if I want it, but frankly I’m exhausted from what it took to get where I currently am and I want out. I feel like I’m letting the women junior to me down if I don’t keep plowing forward and take off for a 9-5 job instead or that I’m falling into a stereotype for prioritizing life over more work. How do you reconcile these feelings?

    1. It sounds like you are specifically trying to decide whether or not to take a promotion, is that correct? Or just to stay in the industry/your current role at all?
       Either way, my two cents is that there are many ways to be a feminist. It’s OK to prioritize your life and sanity! There are other ways you can help more women in the industry, if that is important to you – serve as a mentor, help train or support one of the other junior women in your company/industry to take on a bigger role, advocate for better company polices. Wishing you the best in your decision!

       1. I agree with this. It stinks that your company doesn’t have any women in leadership, but it’s not on you as an individual to fix it by yourself.

          1. +1 that said, it’s not clear to me how far out this promotion is. If it’s close, it might be worth sticking it out to see if you still feel the same way once you’re in the new role. The new role may exacerbate some of the things you are feeling but it may have the opposite effect. You may find you’re able to delegate parts of your job that were causing you burnout or find new excitement for work when you’re in a different role, particularly in a leadership role where you may feel like you have more autonomy and control, both of which generally has a huge impact on job satisfaction.

             All that, no matter what you decide, you aren’t a bad feminist. Unless you tell your company to promote mediocre Pete over superstar sally.

    2. plot twist: this is imposter syndrome with a fake nose, glasses and a hat!

       1. This!

       2. This made me giggle! Great way to look at it.

    3. I feel like you can be a feminist AND not stay in a job that doesn’t work for you anymore. You won’t be doing the women junior to you any favors by having the attitude towards your work that results from staying when you really don’t want to. If you move on, you can continue to mentor women who want to work in that industry, recommend them for positions, etc. My two cents: It’s your life, and wanting more time for yourself over work is something you’ve worked hard for and paid your dues for, so go for it!

    4. You sound like a thoughtful feminist to me. Good for you. I think it’s totally fine to pass on opportunities that you know you do not want. I think if you have a good relationship with the women who are junior to them, and are active in mentoring/supporting them in what they want, that’s actually the most important thing. Workplace solidarity for the win.

    5. Have you or will you have an opportunity to express this to your management? If anybody there has a brain, they’ve probably noticed the lack of women in senior roles and would like more diversity there. Maybe they need to rethink the path to these roles and whether that path makes it too difficult for women who have other life responsibilities (read: don’t have a spouse doing the lion’s share of household duties) to get to the top.

18. Any of the outdoorsy readers still reading here these days? I’m torn on whether to start booking permits and outdoor trips for summer 2021. It’s tricky because for certain trips, you need to book more than a year in advance, but obviously the virus is throwing plans into disarray. I do think that backpacking and rafting (my main hopes for summer) are relatively low-risk, the former more than the latter, but I’m not sure how to balance wanting to reserve a spot with not wanting to lose the money if I have to put down nonrefundable deposits and then can’t go. How are you all approaching this?

    1. I would book it, I think this stuff is pretty safe now and will certainly be safe next summer.

    2. I would personally book. (Also, are you sure it’s nonrefundable still? I feel like there are things that were in the past but are advertising that they are refundable now for obvious reasons).
       Signed, someone going to Yosemite in a couple of weeks (via car), so YMMV

       1. Enjoy! I love Yosemite.

          1. Thanks!

       2. Yosemite just cancelled its July reservations.

          1. I think that’s just for camping, which is a good call because some of those campgrounds are total mob scenes.

             1. I’m Anon at 11:44
                Thanks I hadn’t heard that. We are not camping there, but staying nearby at a place that I’m pretty sure will be open. We do have the Yosemite reservations needed now to even just go there and hike during the day, although of course that could change too. I think we would still go to get away but would be a bummer.

       3. Jealous! Yosemite is just gorgeous.
          I agree, I would go ahead and book permits for 2021 though I’m sure it will be less competitive than previous years. Especially for international destinations like Machu Picchu and the Incan trail treks that have become popular recently.

       4. I just got back from Yosemite! It was wonderful – stayed at a hotel just outside the park and spent most of the time inside the park/outside (including Half Dome). It felt like hardly anyone was there (at least compared to how it is in June normally). The only part that seemed crowded was the campgrounds/Curry Village. The open campgrounds appeared to be full and others were closed down entirely, which did not really make sense to me – I would have expected them to spread people out more, especially considering the shared bathroom situation.

19. One more rec I just thought of – the Altheta Parachute jacket. https://athleta.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=566561002&cid=1009206&pcid=1009206&vid=1&grid=pds_2_15_1#pdp-page-content

20. Any recs for a good workout headband to hold my hair back? I recently got it cut short enough that I can’t do a ponytail as I used to. I’ve tried the elastic type headbands, but they tend to fall out after a few minutes of activity. I need something that stays on and keeps my hair out of my face. Bonus if it also wicks sweat! TIA!

    1. Do the elastic bands you’re using have rubber grips on the under side? That’s key IME.

       1. No, they were just like a large ponytail elastic, which I totally admit I sort of knew wouldn’t work. But I’ll look for ones with rubber on the bottom, thanks for the advice!

          1. I have a set that I got at Target and they work really well for me during workouts especially. The set of headbands usually comes with a set of ponytail holders with the rubber on them as well so they stay put too.

    2. I bought several GymWrap headbands after I saw an Instagram ad for them and I love them. They are lightweight and stay put on my fine hair, but wick sweat like crazy (they are soaking wet when I take them off). Bonus, the founder and owner of the company is a Black woman. Great experience ordering from them and they have a lot of cute color and pattern options. Highly recommend.

       1. Thank you for this!! I sweat like a beast and I cannot find anything I like. Just ordered a full gympwrap and a pack of the thinner bandis!

    3. Rather than doing a single ponytail, try a double? (put half your hair in one hair tie, then combine that mini-pony with the rest of your hair in a second one)

       If your hair is too short to tie back at all, though, I’ve got nothing as my head shape hates headbands of all styles.

    4. Sweatybands are great for this.

    5. Sparkly Soul headbands are the only ones I’ve used for the past 10 years. They are so good. No pain. Stay put. Cute designs.

21. My mom is high risk (high BMI, elderly) and she is doing great self-isolating. Her twin sister is not — going to the dentist, salon, gym, drinks, etc. The twin also has a boyfriend who works in a car shop and has adult kids who he sees frequently who have drug problems (meth) and other non-smart decisions; my aunt’s boyfriend is likely a petri dish.

    Mom hasn’t seen her twin in months, but obviously they can’t do that forever. My dad has a big birthday coming up and we’ve proposed 1) we ask my aunt to do extreme social distancing for 14 days before she sees her sister, including not seeing the boyfriend. (her right to say no, but at least we’re offering.) 2) my mom is proposing asking my aunt to get a COVID test a few days before and the isolate for those few days. What would you do? Drinking/food probably likely so masks probably not possible for the entire time; also an autistic grandchild who doesn’t understand no hugs/wearing a mask.

    1. I would not trust the aunt to do extreme social distancing for 14 days. I have an uncle like that who is lighting up the town and when his kids urged him to wear a mask before visiting his 97-year-old mother at her home, he said “oh I have a mask!” It was a sunhat with a matching neck cover. Some people just do not. get. it. despite the pleas of their family and friends. If you want to arrange an outdoor BBQ or something like that and have your mom wear a mask, that’s probably the best you can do, but you should assume that aunt and her family are going to show up without having taken any precautions. Look at the example they’re setting now and use that as your baseline; right now, it’s not safe to assume they’ll do any better than that.

    2. If aunt lives with her boyfriend, could you get her an Airbnb or hotel to stay in for 14 days?

    3. Honestly, I would not invite your aunt. I have a son with autism and he has seen nobody basically for that exact reason – he will give the hugs to everyone and all our hard work would be undone in a minute.

    4. the testing and isolating for a few days seems more feasible, for sure. I’d also consider saying ‘we’re going to have the big party when all of this is over’ and not inviting them.

    5. I wouldn’t invite anybody I didn’t trust to take precautions. Maybe sister and grandchild can Zoom in?

    6. I wouldn’t invite her unless she agrees to do the 14 day isolation and you really trust her to do what she says. It sounds really stressful to have her, and I think you will have more fun if you just invite people who are taking better precautions.

    7. Why is she invited, and/or, why are you guys having a big birthday bash right now? Your mom is high risk! Even if your aunt was not out on the town, you or anyone else from your family may still have COVID. Frankly, this is not the time, especially with high risk parents and family members who don’t care.
       Not trying to be rude here, but I would absolutely have no part in planning or attending a family birthday right now, especially with elderly high-risk parents.

       1. “big birthday bash” includes our germ circle (my parents, my nuclear family) + aunt. She was noticeably hurt when we didn’t invite her to my autistic son’s “birthday party” of the 6 of us + cake and presents. Before COVID we saw her every week or so for Friday dinner.

          But more than that it’s my mom’s twin, who she would like to see in some capacity. Maybe just a masked/socially distanced walk and leave kids out of it.

       2. +1. The highest risk activities are the combination of (1) lots of people, (2) in close proximity. Bonus points for being indoors without masks, eating and talking. Family parties were a big part of the original spread!

          I’d rethink the entire plan unless you can do it in an outdoor distanced way.

          1. Yes, this!

    8. My family had a Father’s Day gathering last weekend that was a decent compromise. We got together around 3 pm at FIL’s house. We stayed outside. Each household had their own table and chairs, spaced 6 feet apart, and their own tray of snacks. We all went home before dinner time.

22. My midsize regional law firm is revamping its associate training. And by “revamping” I mean, creating. They’ve never had onboarding or training other than “here’s your login for all systems, go work.” So if you could start from scratch – what does your firm do/not do that you’d recommend we consider? I’m a junior partner and lateraled over; I hardly remember what training I had in the first 3 years or so but I do know that associates at this firm need more than a list of passwords.

    1. So this isn’t really new attorney training, but more of the ongoing care and feeding of associates. Do you have regular associates meetings? An associates’ committee? Several of my firms did regular continuing ed for associates taught by partners. It was practice-focused (example-choice of entity for corporations and how to advise your clients), but open to any associate who wanted to participate. They also would have partners present on how to make partner, how to develop clients, etc. Senior management would do meetings 1-2x to explain the firm’s finances and what the goals were coming up. One firm even invited senior associates/counsel to attend part of the local partners retreat every year with the idea that attorneys should understand what else goes into partnership besides just billing hours. They would attend the overview of the finances and the meal/social events.

    2. We have a PLI Passport that gets us our CLE credits. We also have a day of orientation for each new lawyer, with helpful presentations by attorneys, paralegals and the admin teams we work with. We also appoint partner and associate buddies so each new lawyer has permission to ask all the questions.

    3. I could write a book on this because my firm sucks at it. We’re a small-midsized firm and the training strategy here is to leave a binder on your desk on the first day and say, “here, do lawyerly things with this.”  It’s very much throw you into the deep end, which is cute and serves some valuable purposes, but leaves much to be desired.  Honestly, the thing that would make the biggest difference in my view is less the design or specific “program elements” in a training program, and more that partners and senior associates need to pay attention to associate development and take it seriously.  I think this can be encouraged in the following ways:

       -Planned, intentional check ins with associates about adjustment to the firm and career development.
       -Planned, intentional interactions with partners to discuss cases in a manner that serves associate development.  You can work up a file together in a way that teaches someone about being a lawyer if you are just willing to put a little time and thought into it.
       -Consider some type of writing program. I see lots of associates who are weak writers flounder at my firm and the higher ups are unable or unwilling to take the time to help them. Their writing continues to be poor, and they eventually get less work for that reason, and the negative career effects cascade. Maybe appoint a person who is a strong writer to serve as a resource, or to review work product and spend time making corrections and explaining them.  Send them to writing seminars. Anything. The payoff will be worth it when the partners don’t have to rewrite everything.
       -Create a database of necessary skills and experiences that associates should have by a certain (approximate) time point.  Both partners and associates share responsibility for ensuring that associates actually get these necessary experiences.  Do not just stick them on files based on whatever reason seems most convenient at the time without any attention to what skills they’re developing/experiences they’re getting and then wonder why your 10th year associate has never even approached trial while some of your 4-5 years have gone several times.
       -Procedural issues where paralegals/admins are actually the experts- teach associates that yes, they are the experts on how to get your stuff filed and out the door and they need to respect them. Hold some kind of seminar, or have a knowledge base addressing commonly asked procedure-type questions. “What is a non-party document request, when do I need one, who sends it out? Who prepares it? Do I need to review it? What is a HIPAA release?”  “What is a certificate of discovery?” “What does my admin need me to do and by when so that she can file this document in a timely, non-panicked fashion?”  
       -Billing. What do partners like to see, what do clients like to see, tips to capture your time.
       -Expectations. Tell baby associates what “good” work product is for someone at their level. (No errors, final product where possible (this seems to be the biggest issue for most associates– they’ll turn in a brief but some “small” part won’t be done, or they won’t also provide the exhibits, etc), cases shepardized, spell checked..)
       -File management. Who files paper documents, how are documents stored, organized, and named electronically? 
       -Scheduling and calendaring- whose responsibility is this (paralegal, admin, associate?) This is a big issue at my firm, even though it seems like it would be simple.

    4. Off the top of my head:

       -Billing expectations/conventions (is block billing ok? Do you round to .1 or .05? Full sentences or fragments? How to refer to people, both internal and external, in billing entries. Words to use or avoid (i.e. your firm’s conventions). If any of the above varies by client, make *that* clear–that associates will need to ask the partner or that they can find the info somewhere).
       -Conventions and expectations around file management, both electronic and physical (what you put in the file, what you don’t; electronic file naming conventions; etc)
       -Staff work and expectations (what can/should you ask your secretary to do; what can/should you ask a paralegal to do; what can/should you ask the firm’s librarian to do)

       This is probably too big an ask, but giving experienced attorneys a refresher on “putting yourself in a new associate’s shoes so you can effectively give assignments to them,” could be really helpful. I think both sides know that there will be lots of learning on the job and while experienced attorneys expect newbies to ask about what they don’t know, newbies can sometimes have issues with (1) not knowing what they don’t know or (2) not knowing what they’ve been sent to puzzle through on their own and take their best shot at vs. what they should ask for help on.

    5. Honestly my biggest thing is assigning every new associate (first 3 years) a mentor whose work product is good and then giving that person real billing credit for training. You cannot teach someone what they need to know in a few formal classes because it is too hard to talk about application to specific facts/circumstances. And it helps with the “I do not have time to teach you” problem because it allows the mentor to bill their time.

23. So it’s been 16 weeks at home and I’ve finally hitting the wall. I’ve been fairly content up until now – working, taking a college class, cleaning up my place etc. I’ve pretty much stayed in — stores once every 10 days, very occasional walks and that’s it. No going out unnecessarily (mostly because I’m in a tall elevator building so you’re never likely to avoid all people), no stores except grocery, no meet ups with friends. It’s worked for me because I am an introvert without real friends anyway so it’s not like I had such a fun life before though of course I could go to the mall if I was bored.

    Just learned we don’t go back to work until Sept and now it’s like wow IDK if I can do this. I mean I hate my job so it’s not like I want to go back but still. Suddenly I find myself thinking everything is the end of the world — I’m going to be in this job I hate forever because how can I interview and who’d hire during a recession. Yesterday was a meltdown re a gnat or something in my home (that was me) because omg it’s unsanitary. Going even grocery shopping is stressful. I find myself eating very little – won’t even bother with a full meal daily though I will get calories view granola bars, cereal etc.; and going to bed earlier and earlier as it’s a “break.”

    How to handle? I didn’t feel this coming on as I was really ok until 1-2 weeks ago. I know people are starting to travel but I don’t feel comfortable plus I’d just be alone in some random cabin. My parents think I should go stay with them in NJ. That could be a break but IDK they can be stressful too – sometimes it’s good and sometimes they just vent their anxieties and troubles to me. I do have vacation time which will be lost if I don’t use it so all I can think is take a Friday off here and there but why – to sit home and chase mosquitoes around the apartment? WWYD?

    1. I think you need to leave your apartment and take a vacation that is longer than just a Friday off. Rent a cabin, stay with your parents, doesn’t matter. A lone cabin seems like a very low risk vacation to me.

    2. Can you get out for a day to walk a big park, or a harbor or sit on a deserted beach? Being out in socially distanced nature has been really restorative for me.

    3. I think you need some time in nature. I’m high-risk and I have to take the virus very seriously, but getting out of the house for exercise in nature has been crucial to feeling like there is some light at the end of the tunnel. It could also be worth seeing your parents for a day or two. You’ve done a great job protecting your own health and the health of others, but don’t forget your mental health too. There are ways to get out more while still being pretty safe and it sounds like it may be time for you to try a few things like socially distanced meeting with parents or taking a Friday off to go on a long walk in the woods.

       1. +1

       2. Yes, I agree with this. You need fresh air and sunlight and trees and stuff.

    4. This sounds like textbook depression to me! And are you active? Workout videos or outdoor walks are so important for the psyche.

    5. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. You’re absolutely not alone – I was having a similar convo about taking time off yesterday. It’s not restful to just sit at home! We’ve been doing that!!

       Agree with the other poster on getting out into nature if you can. We went for a “hike” (vigorous walk) in a local park and it was really lovely. And even the cabin idea might work – pick a place with a view, pack a bunch of books, turn off your phone, sleep as late as you want. I hope you feel better soon.

    6. As I sometimes read on this blog: “Are you me? Because you are describing my situation perfectly.” I am also an introvert without close friends who is WFH , and I feel like I’ve hit the wall, as well. Prone to fits of unexplained crying. Not very productive workwise. Reconnected with an ex who is so wrong on paper, but I need the daily phone connection to another human. I am in a red state whose COVID cases are increasing dramatically because we had no mandated precautions (because even though we mandate seatbelts, we can’t mandate mask wearing), and I am angry about that as well. While I sit at home like a good girl, other people are going to clubs and parties, and having a good old time. So I’m stewing in a cocktail of depression, anxiety, and anger. I have started walking and that helps a bit, but I just wanted to weigh in that I feel your pain!

24. Any other hypothyroid women dealing with hair loss and weight issues? What has helped you?

    Someone posted yesterday about switching from Levo to Armour Thyroid meds and I’d love to hear more and how it helped. I’ve been on Levo for about a decade now (25 mcg) and my hair has continued to fall out. I have probably lost about 50% of my hair, and it’s devastating. My recent TSH levels were high (close to 4) so I advocated to move up to 50 mcg and we’ll see if that helps. I also take Vitron C iron supplements as previously my ferritin levels were quite low at 15. They’re now better, at 47, but I’ve read that you may need ferritin levels around 70 to actually see hair growth. I’m vegetarian and considering taking heme iron supplements – anyone has experience with that?

    In addition, I have gained about 10 pounds in the last year. On my frame, that is very significant. I admittedly did not eat that well during the initial months of the pandemic, but I have consistently worked out, done IF for the last 3 years, and had a “clean” diet in recent weeks and yet my weight keeps creeping up. Also, my weight is now concentrated in the belly (more so than usual).

    Obviously I’m trying to figure out a plan with my PCP but am also considering paying out of pocket to see a functional med doctor or naturopath, to get to the bottom of this.

    Finally, I’m in the Bay Area (Peninsula) if anyone has experience with an excellent doctor leads that treat thyroid issues. Thanks!

    1. I think I’m the person you’re paging!

       I never experienced any hair loss so I can’t comment on that but I have heard the same thing about targeting higher ferritin levels.

       As for weight issues, they completely went away on Armour. I’d always maintained a (mostly) healthy diet and regular exercise and the fact that I was gaining weight despite zero lifestyle changes was what prompted my endocrinologist to switch my meds.

       Armour isn’t recommended by the American Thyroid Association so you may have a tough time finding a doctor who will prescribe it, but it’s worth the fight to see if it helps you. I noticed an almost immediate improvement in my energy levels and no longer have the levo brain fog that always left me feeling kind of blah (hard to describe accurately but if you know, you know). FYI my insurance doesn’t cover Armour (most don’t) but a 3-month supply costs me $60, which I find perfectly reasonable.

       1. How did you find an endo that was willing to prescribe Armour? I’ve heard the same thing as well, everyone just wants to put you on Levo and call it a day.

    2. Dr. Nathan Becker is an excellent endocrinologist in San Francisco. His office is on Parnassus near UCSF (the Starbucks building).

25. In my white privilege, I only recently pieced the connection between the War on Drugs, Voter Suppression, and the mass incarceration of Black men and women. I’ve searched the internet for this subject matter, but I am not getting a lot of fruitful results because I’m sure I’m not connecting the theories in a coherent search engine way. Smart women of This Site, send me your reading recommendations and so forth.

    1. They aren’t necessary part of a “grand plan” but are each their own thing in a patchwork of systemic areas meant to hold down the poor and Black and Brown people. The war on drugs and incarceration are intimately tied together, however, in I think a pretty obvious way.

       The overarching reason? Power consolidation and racism.

    2. Check out 13th on Netflix for a good introduction! Also The New Jim Crow, whose author is featured on that documentary.

    3. Locking Up Their Own by James Forman, Jr.

    4. White Rage by Carol Anderson

    5. I just finished How to be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi and at the end he does end on a theory of racism coming from a place of self-interest, from which I think one can draw the connection to those things you mention. That book is great and I recommend it, but I don’t think it’s quite what you’re after other than the part I just mentioned.

    6. The New Jim Crow talks about a lot of this

    7. I found the “We Are All Criminals” series to be really helpful in changing my thinking about the way enforcement policies have led to mass incarceration: https://www.weareallcriminals.org/

26. Gift for parents for 40th anniversary? I don’t really want to do anything food or experience with Covid. Four kids (one estranged) and no grandchildren, which they are not happy about, so nothing family tree or overly personalized. They don’t drink alcohol. Any ideas?

    1. Maybe something to commemorate the wedding date itself? A digitally restored larger size print (or canvas?) of a wedding photo? A framed newspaper from the day (NY Times does this, believe others to as well)? Maybe a shadowbox of things you can track down from the wedding itself, if relatives have an invitation or a program or something?

       If they like experience type gifts, maybe look into getting a fancier version of a Blue Apron. See if a local restaurant is doing contactless delivery for one of their signature dishes with all the ingredients and a recipe card?

27. Help. My husband is scared sh*tless of covid-19, to the point of he barely leaves the house, insists that everything we need gets delivered, refuses to see anyone even if outside + socially distanced, etc. This made sense to me in March/April, as we are in a hotspot. However, our area has stabilized and things are opening back up. I have very low risk tolerance too, but higher than his. I am comfortable going to a grocery store while masked, I want to see my family, I want to see friends at an outdoor bar. He is 100% not okay with me doing any of these things, and it is an argument of “why is this so important to you?” “why do you need to put me at risk”. We are in our 20’s, healthy, no underlying conditions. I don’t want to fight with him daily about this, but I feel like a prisoner and I feel like his self-imposed limitations are not fact-based, and it’s not fair to impose them on me. I just don’t know how to navigate anymore. No, (outdoor) happy hour isnt that important but am I really being so risky and incosiderate?

    1. There was a similar thread last week — maybe someone can track it down. You should ask him to clearly define what it will take for him to feel safe resuming some activities and hold him to it. Also therapy — this level of fear at your age and risk level sounds like anxiety talking.

    2. How about some give and take? You go to the grocery store, not him and you don’t go every time you need one thing but maybe like 1 trip per 1-2 weeks at a off time? Seeing family – maybe, seeing friends – no — or whichever one is more important.

       Frankly I get where he’s coming from BUT does he intend to live like this for another year? Because as much as they’re saying there will be a vaccine by Dec/Jan, I imagine it’ll be limited doses that must go to front line etc. In my mind, I think it’ll take until like May-June of next year to have so many doses that you can just easily get one. So don’t talk to anyone from March 2020 to June 2021?

    3. You guys need to talk it over and find a compromise, but for your part, I don’t think you should lead with “I want to go to bars.” Your husband may be overly anxious, but you can see your friends/family in a safer way, like taking a walk or sitting in a yard without strangers around. Since you can only control how you come to the conversation, that’s what I would do and I think it would prevent the conversation from shutting down from the start.

       1. And yes, I realized you said “outdoor” happy hour, but still.

    4. Have you tried doing things one at a time, like “this week I’d like to go to the actual grocery store, I’m wearing a mask and going to a store that requires EVERYONE to wear a mask” and seeing how that goes? It might be easier for him to gradually get used to the idea of doing more things (and will also let you get a sense for whether your region is likely to have another COVID wave soon).

    5. Stop fighting and leave. You are not a prisoner to his anxiety. Just put on your shoes and go.

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