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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
I hope everyone has had a good week! Virtual hugs to anyone who could use one. I’m curious, what’s the best thing you’ve bought this year that, if you lost it/them today, you’d repurchase immediately? Mine would be my nice, memory foam slippers. Amazing.
Anon
What brand are the slippers??
Anon
Op here – mine are just from Amazon! I dunno, I couldn’t justify the price of the Ugg ones without giving some $20 ones a try. And turns out I love them! link: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07W8CPXNN/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o03_s02?ie=UTF8&psc=1
They do keep your feet verrry warm.
Anonymous
My umbrella that changes color when it gets wet. It makes me smile every time I go out in the rain (I’m easily amused).
pugsnbourbon
Oh! That sounds fun – where’d you find it?
Anonymous
Mine came from the Tate Modern in London, but other places–including PBS– sell similar ones.
Anon
My Patagonia down sweater. (Which is really just a jacket.) I bought it for traveling to Egypt in the winter and it has become my go-to jacket for all but the bitterly cold days. So light. So comfortable. Just the right mix of sporty and sleek.
Anon
In my opinion, there’s really no better bang for your buck than Patagonia! I got my first fleece from them a decade ago, wear it 2-3x a week in the fall/winter and it’s in perfect condition. Plus, love the company’s ethics
Eliza
I bought a Patagonia Nano Puff recently after a lifetime of wool coats. It’s amazing and feels like being wrapped in my comforter. I’m a convert.
Coco
Love Patagonia
Anonymous
The Free People Ottoman Slouchy tunic. I purchased after hearing Belle rave about it, got it on sale, and LOVE it. Size down.
Housecounsel
I have the Ottoman in two colors. Love it!
anon
Is it flattering on? It looks hideously shapeless in the photos.
Housecounsel
Not shapeless, more long and lean for the Ottoman. But yes, definitely size down.
NOLA
The Free People Softly Structured Tunic Turtleneck is my absolute favorite sweater. I have it in two colors after buying it last year and wearing it so much that I had to replace it in my new size.
Housecounsel
The dark teal color in this is beautiful.
Anon
My Uggs slippers. They are my favourite thing I own.
anon
+1000000
Formerly Lilly
Yes, my Ugg fleece flip flop house slippers are my 7 day a week default at home.
Anonymous
my car.
Anonymous
My rubber rain boots that pass for regular boots. Super useful.
anon
Ohh, rain boot link please!
H13
Can you share what you bought? I’ve been looking for this exact thing.
anon a mouse
Not the OP but I have the Lucky Basel rain boots and I love them.
Em
Also not the OP, but I have the Chooka Fremont Rain Boots and wear them to work.
NOLA
Mine are motorcycle rain boots from DSW. I could totally wear them as regular boots.
Anon
My Bao Bei maternity band. Life changing.
In the non-maternity side of life: Nespresso and milk frother. It really helped to kick my coffee-out habit, since the stuff I make at home in two minutes is just as good.
pugsnbourbon
I didn’t buy it this year, but my Takeya cold-brew maker. They now have a 2-quart version that I’m eyeing …
anon
Phone case with credit card slots. Its so nice to just grab my phone and know that I have money and my work ID/castle card.
Anon
+1
Housecounsel
Barefoot Dreams sweaters, in gray and black (the Montecito cardigan).
Anon
OH! They have a cuisnart or kitchenaid one that has a metal insert with a spout. I treated myself to this upgrade but used that takeya one for years.
I have the XL version of this one: https://www.amazon.com/KitchenAid-KCM4212SX-Coffee-Maker-Brushed-Stainless/dp/B06XNVZDC7/ref=sr_1_5?crid=2YO5CGCW2M3B0&keywords=cuisinart+cold+brew+coffee+maker&qid=1576169109&sprefix=cuisnart+cold%2Caps%2C186&sr=8-5
Anonymous
Three things – Food Items – Cuisinart 14 Cup Food Processor and 7 Quart Le Creuset Dutch oven. They each work soooo much better than the other versions of these items that I had before. (E.g., I had a lodge cast iron dutch oven, which worked, but the Le Creuset hasn’t chipped (despite being dropped a few times) and the straight sides of the pan make the cooking surface much larger than the Lodge.
Baby item – Snoo smart sleeper. It’s like my baby just sees it and gets sleepy.
Senior Attorney
+1 on the food processor and Le Creuset.
We had a very very VERY old Cuisinart that I loved, and I was heartbroken it when it finally gave up the ghost. Spoiler alert: I use the new one a lot more than the old one because it’s lightweight plastic instead of all heavy metal so it’s much easier to take out and put away. Who knew?
NOLA
There are a few things I make that will only work with Le Creuset. Indispensable!
Mary K
Just curious -what do you always make with your Le Creuset? I only use mine for beef stroganoff.
Anonymous
Eddie Bauer girl on the go insulated trench. Fancy handmade soap from a local artisan.
Anon
+1 to the insulated Girl on the Go coat. I bought one off Poshmark and it is by far the best investment in a coat I’ve made in a very long time. I’ve been wearing it daily in my cold, rainy city.
Anon for this
Honestly….. a good bra.
I am very small on top for my height/shape (extreme pear), and never realized how important it is to have a good fitting bra. I can’t believe I have gone my whole life without being measured/sized properly. Even Nordstrom screwed it up, as they squeezed me into a 32A that just flattened out the little bits I had and was so uncomfortable. Someone on this site directed me to abrathatfits on Reddit, and I went through the more complicated measuring process myself. A revelation…..
I am a 30DD. Who knew? I also learned about how to scoop my breast tissue into my bra properly, since half of my b00bs are in my arm pit.
My clothes look better, and now without my clothes, I look so much better!!
So far I have had some success with Natori feathers and Thirdlove Classic Contour plunge. Still looking for the perfect fit, more styles if others have suggestions!
anon
Puzzle sorting trays. If you or your family enjoys puzzles, these are life changing.
A.
Anker charger that you just lay your phone on top of (instead of plugging it in)
Senior Attorney
Uniqlo down vest. It’s just perfect for So Cal “winter.”
Lobbyist
Peloton!
Maudie Atkinson
I did not buy my Peloton; it came with my new beau. But I—who hated every spin class I ever took—have fallen in love.
blackberry
It’s not an item exactly, but TSA Precheck. It’s a game changer not to have to remove shoes and all that nonsense at security, and I’ll replace it in a heartbeat when my 5 years are up. I never ever spend more than 10 minutes getting through security, and it’s usually under 5 minutes.
Senior Attorney
Oh, yes! Global Entry for inbound, and CLEAR plus Precheck for outbound. Game. Changers.
M
Yes. It is absolutely the best thing I’ve ever bought for myself and I am thrilled to not deal with lines and extra security every time I fly. I think it’s bizarre that I can pay to skip security, but I’ll take it!
Anon
Yes! But if you travel internationally at all, get Global Entry. Includes PreCheck and is only a little bit ($20?) more. If you get PreCheck first, you have to pay the full Global Entry fee if/when you decide to get it. Learned that the hard way.
Cb
I hate (UK) election day, it’s a mix of distracting and boring and I have a pile of work to do! 8 more hours until the polls close and we can see what sort of dystopian hellscape we’re living in.
Ribena
Hellscape is the right word. I’ll be claiming my free beer from Brewdog later.
Cb
I can’t vote and have to do broadcast news tonight so I can’t even drown my sorrows in gin!
Anon
So it’s basically an election between Corbyn the anti-Semite and Johnson the Brexit oaf, right? Good luck to you…
Ribena
With the added variable of the Scottish National Party/ Plaid Cymru in Scotland and Wales. Oh, and my incumbent is a kickass lawyer but also a transphobe. In the end I couldn’t bring myself to hold my nose and vote for her.
Cb
And random LibDems here and there…it’s grim!
Anon
Who’s the transphobe? Haven’t heard that.
Ribena
Joanna Cherry.
Anonymous
What’s your prediction
Anon
I was reading the NYT’s Smarter Living email today and wondered, what are your best smarter living tips?
Ribena
Filter coffee machine with a timer!
Housecounsel
Do a little bit of laundry every day.
Anon
Ugh that sounds kind of miserable IMO – my tip would be to do fewer larger loads. Time spent on laundry is time spent not doing better things so I’m eager not to let it wreck EVERY day…that being said, glad you found something that works for you.
Flats Only
This! My life is so much better since I figured out I could do laundry every two weeks. All I had to do was buy enough preferred underwear to make it for that length of time – I already had enough work and casual clothes to cover two weeks. OTOH, I don’t have children, and DH does his own laundry, plus he washes all the household towels (bath, dish, car, etc.). I wash the sheets as one more load when I’m doing my own.
Anon
Laundry is one of the chores I don’t mind and sometimes even like doing. Especially now that I live in a house and don’t have to leave my apartment to go to a laundry room. I’ll do laundry all day long if somebody else will wash dishes for me!
anon
The problem with that approach, in my opinion, is that a) huge loads take a looong time to dry; and b) the resulting mountain of clothing, towels, and sheets to fold and put away can be truly overwhelming, especially once you add a few kids to the mix. (Big kids’ clothing takes up as much room as adults’ clothing!)
Housecounsel
Yes, I have kids and do it to avoid the mountain. I was without a washer and dryer for a little while this fall due to some home renovations. I sent out ALL our laundry. It came back so perfectly and compactly folded. Now doing THAT all the time would be an amazing life hack.
Anon
Heated blanket that I sandwich between duvets on my bed.
Using a dry sack to bring my lunch each day as extra protection against spills.
Ribena
Ooh yes, I just got a heated underblanket and it’s wonderful.
A.
Store socks downstairs in a two-story home, near shoes/mudroom. Have phone chargers everywhere. Keep snacks, a hairbrush, and some hair ties in your car (I have two kids with long hair and three kids who want snacks). Make sure all of your shoes are comfortable or you’ll never wear them.
Senior Attorney
Cut the cord! We finally gave up our DirecTV and got firesticks. More viewing options, better interface, less than half the price even though I subscribed to every streaming service I wanted.
anon
Having a drop zone near the door for mail, keys, shoes, coats, and various detritus. It is not fancy, but we don’t have to hunt around for stuff when we’re leaving.
Pls send good thoughts, vibes, internet prayers, etc.
I have a job interview today! Scheduled for over 2 hours! Yeah!
This would be a HUGE increase in income for me. Please send good wishes if you believe in that stuff!! I do and I appreciate it. Thanks!
Houda
Best of luck, you got this!
Also if you tend to get low blood sugar, don’t forget to fuel up before (nerves do that)
The Beagle Has Landed
Sending warm wishes and a virtual green aventurine crystal!
Anon
Sending best wishes!!
Anonymous
sending…. sent!
Anonymous
That’s exciting – good luck!
Senior Attorney
VIBES!!! You got this!
Anonymous
Sending good vibes! Best of luck!
Husband drinking
My husband went to a work party last night. We have two little kids and are leaving for a trip today. I repeatedly asked him to not drink too much and to come home at a reasonable hour (I suggested 9 pm for an event that started at 5 pm). When I finally talked to him on the phone around 11 he was noticeably slurring his words and sounded extremely intoxicated. I told him to get in an Uber which he did and got home around 1145. He didn’t come upstairs and around 2 I went down and he was passed out in the bathroom in the dark. This morning I just got up and went to work super early (which I usually don’t do) because I knew I would be furious if I was getting the kids ready on my own and he was sleeping in bed. I saw on our cameras in the kids room that he got the kids up and ready but I suspect that he either is not going to work or is going in very late.
How wold you handle? He doesn’t drink much at all typically or go out with friends ever, but this has happened before at work events. I’m furious because 1) I worry and stress when he goes to these events because I know this might happen which prevents me from getting sleep. I probably slept for about 4 hours between waiting for him to come home and wondering what he was doing once he got home and worrying about his level of intoxication. 2) i feel it’s disrespectful because we’ve talked about it before and he clearly didn’t want to change or care if this upset me; and 3) we are busy professionals with little kids who don’t have time to get black out, have interrupted sleep, and miss work. I’m also super wary lately of drinking a lot at work parties because of the possibility of doing or saying something inappropriate while drunk. I just feel like we work too hard to act this irresponsibly and take that risk.
I don’t want to be too hard on him though and I get that certain offices (including mine) have a culture where people drink a lot at holiday parties and I have had my experience in the past of doing that. Advice? Is this behavior totally unacceptable or is it okay every once and a while and I should get over it
Anon
I suspect he’s an alcoholic, but I don’t know that the label matters much. This is totally unacceptable, he can’t be getting blackout drunk around your kids. I don’t know how old they are, but even if they don’t have awareness now they will soon. Tell him to get help and go to Al-Anon yourself.
Anon
No this is absurd.
Anonymous
Omg what? Because a few times a year he gets drunk? He was home before midnight and got up with the kids.
Never too many shoes...
This response is way over the top.
Anon
+1
Anon
There are a lot of problem drinkers here who are super defensive about their drinking. It doesn’t change the fact that this is problem drinking, particularly since it’s happened before and isn’t a one-off incident. Have none of you heard the term “functioning alcoholic”? The fact that he can get the kids up doesn’t mean there isn’t a problem.
Anonymous
There’s one really uptight ninny on here who extremely over reacts at any mention of drinking
Anonymous
But who likes getting a curfew for what seems to be their one fun night out a year? It’s not prom.
Anon
He literally drinks a few times a year. Get a hold of yourself.
Anon
Mmmm I disagree. I barely drink (maybe a couple times a year, if that), and I still think this is way over the top. He gets drunk every now and then. It’s no big deal. OP sounds high anxiety which may be fueling some of her need to control her husband’s behavior.
Anon
Oh ffs.
Anon
Hahahaha if this is alcoholism then 80% of people I know are alcoholics.
The dude went out and had an awesome time. He had a little bit too much of an awesome time but still managed to get up and get the kids ready. Is this super-duper responsible behavior from a grown adult – no. Is it “problem drinking,” only for the pearl-clutching vapors-having Neo-Church-Ladies on this board who equate getting tipsy with being an addict. If he is 50 I think this is worth a talk. If he’s under 35 I would, personally, kid him remorselessly and chalk it up to stress-relief and blowing off steam with his friends. For the OP, if you’re worried about his drinking not just today, but on a more-regular basis there is information out there about what functional alcoholism looks like (spoiler alert, this ain’t it, but if there are things you’re not telling us, the info AA and Al-Anon have online is helpful).
Signed, daughter of two parents who were legitimate functional alcoholics and who gets a little offended when hysterics say that drinking more than one small glass of chilled white wine at night is “alcoholism.”
SSC
+1
Anon
If this doesn’t happen very often I would agree that he probably got caught up in the fun party atmosphere (like you said, it can be common to drink a lot at office parties). It doesn’t mean it wasn’t disrespectful and inappropriate, but I wouldn’t start panicking he’s an alcoholic.
Anon
Agree. “He doesn’t drink much at all or go out with friends ever.” I think you identified the issue right there – a work holiday event might be his only opportunity to relax and have some fun. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t disrespectful, but I don’t think you need to be sending him to AA for this. It might be good for him to be able to go out with friends more often so that it isn’t such a big deal when he’s able to go out for the holiday party
Housecounsel
I am not getting an “alcoholic” read from this. I certainly agree with you that he shouldn’t drink a lot at holiday parties, but I can’t imagine “suggesting” to my husband what time he should come home on a rare evening out. He came home in an Uber. He got the kids up and ready. I would cut him a but of slack.
Anonymous
Also, I’m not sure how big your husband is, but I’m easily able to outdrink myself at any event with alcohol if I don’t have a good starchy dinner first. One drink on an empty stomach is enough to send me skidding sideways. And like your husband, I’m wildly out of drinking practice. So YMMV. I stick to beer after having just one c*cktail that was unexpectedly strong once — I know it’s usually a gift to get a strong drink, except that I didn’t want or need that.
Senior Attorney
This this this. Take a breath.
Anon
Yes this. I mean I’m in my mid thirties and sometimes I drink too much at parties. It’s not the end of the world. You’re not his mom. He can deal with the consequences the next day.
pugsnbourbon
I agree that it’s important to see how this fits in the bigger picture. I’m definitely guilty myself of occasionally getting swept up in the good time and overdoing it on booze. It’s absolutely valid to be upset that he disregarded your requests for an early evening, and I think it’ll be telling how he responds today. I’d be very concerned if he tried to downplay/deflect his actions rather than take responsibility for them.
Anonymous
I mean, you are getting nervous that he might be drinking AND misbehaving while drinking. Does he misbehave generally? I feel that alcohol magnifies what is there, but doesn’t change it. Maybe there is something else afoot? But I’d gently suggest that you relax a bit. Being hungover and dealing with kids is probably enough punishment to make this self-correcting. Unless you’re from an “alcohol is the devil” culture, I would just work on your own inner peace.
Vicky Austin
I like this take, pugs. OP, big hugs, because that feeling of “I knew this was going to happen gdi” is SO frustrating, and I’m sure you were really hoping he’d be fresh and ready for this trip you’re going on, but I think you handled it really well and the consequences landed on him, as they should have. If he misses work, that’s his problem, not yours. Hope he responds positively in a discussion.
Anon
There are two issues here. Him respecting commitments to you and his drinking. So first, the drinking. While in an ideal world, none of us would ever get drunk, the reality is, sometimes alcohol hits us harder than we expect if we haven’t eaten, are on a new medication, whatever. Sometimes the fun gets away from us. If he just got drunk and responsibly took an Uber home, I’d say for a once in awhile thing it is not an issue. However, passing out on the bathroom floor instead of bed when you have little kids that could find you and be scared is an issue. I also don’t love that you just left him with the kids this morning without checking to see if he was in a state that he could handle them responsibly without upsetting them. Again, in an ideal world it wouldn’t be your problem but if he was trashed at 2 am he is likely still drunk at 7 am.
It sounds like there are bigger issues if you don’t trust how he will behave at a work party drunk. That’s a separate issue to deal with than his drinking. Drunk or sober, you should be able to trust your spouse.
You are not his parent. You shouldn’t be imposing rules on his drinking unless one or both of you think there is a serious issue. I get that you don’t want him too hungover to go on a trip with you today but that’s kind of what being an adult is about. You don’t get to back out of obligations because you are hungover. If you choose to drink, you deal with it.
I have missed work once for being hungover and that is when I was taking a medication I didn’t realize I shouldn’t take with alcohol. I only had three drinks but was sick for 4 days. PSA, read your medication labels! I agree that regularly drinking so much you miss work is a big problem but once in five years or something isn’t a major issue, it’s just a warning sign that you exceeded your limit and you need to reign it in.
Anon
I think this response is well put. I do think the passing out on the bathroom floor with kids in the house- while I don’t think it makes him an alcoholic for this one time – is the point that crosses the line of “hey, most of us have been there” to “hmm, yikes”. I only say that b/c when you have follow up conversations with him I think you are well within your rights to point out that that was and in the future is unacceptable. (Whereas I don’t know that you can draw the same line in the sand about staying out until 11 etc.).
Anon
+1
Ellen
How awful that you found him passed out on the floor of the toilet. He could have knocked his head and drownded — that has happened. Yet, it is NOT a regular occurence, as it was with my ex, and that is a good thing. Nonetheless, he needs to know where to draw the line at work events, as he sounded drunk when he called on the phone, so others saw him slobbering b/f he came home and that is NOT a good sign. No one likes a slobbering drunk, even when sober (my ex, for example, did not clean his teeth even when sober). So I think you have a sit down with him and your family counselor and talk it thru, as he does sound responsible with the kids and take it from there. Good luck to you, as it clearly is weighing on your mind.
Never too many shoes...
“While in an ideal world, none of us would ever get drunk”… um, I totally disagree. Getting drunk is fun and it is also fine for people that are not addicts. Why must people be so totally uptight about things here?
Anon
Lol – I’m glad you wrote this. I had the same thought. I get rip roaring drunk about once a year and it is FUN.
Anon
I should have wrote “in our doctor’s ideal world.” Because, yes, like you, some days I plan on getting responsibly drunk LOL. Not driving, not blacking out or throwing up, just having fun.
Anon
Anyone watch Bob’s Burgers? “Mommy doesn’t get drunk! She just has fun.”
Anonymous
Wait and see what he says when he makes contact with you. I’ve definitely made not great choices at times that negatively impacted DH. Not alcohol related but similar type impact as what you had. I apologized, owned up and made sure that he got some time in exchange – like I took the kids all day on a Saturday so he could golf.
Hj
Just because someone gets too drunk during a holiday party does not make them an alcoholic. Let your husband have some fun once in a while. The hangover is enough punishment. I don’t really understand the problem? You say he never / rarely does this.
Anon
I disagree completely. It’s not safe or healthy for children to see their father passed out on the bathroom drunk (and if they didn’t see it this time, they will at some point in the future). If you’re slurring your words and can’t even make it to your own bed, you’ve had way too much and it goes way beyond “fun.”
Anonymous
IDK — my spouse takes a med for sleeping and I frequently find him in what I’d call a stoned state vs sleeping in bed. But even if our kids were to stumble across this, I think they’d understand something like “Daddy isn’t feeling well.”
For us, this is every night. Vs one work holiday party?
Honestly, I’d resent a spouse who gave me a curfew for a party. I’m a grownup.
Anonymous
I agree that he drank too much. I do think he could have badly overestimated his tolerance if it’s been a long time since he was last out drinking.
Anon
I wonder also if there’s not enough food at these work events and/or he doesn’t have time to eat if there’s lots of talking going on. Not that not eating is necessarily an excuse; an adult should be able to remember to eat before drinking a lot. But I’ve certainly gotten way more drunk than intended when I forgot to eat.
Anon
Honestly, yes. The advice would be very, very different if you said this happens weekly. I’m no drinker, but what you described just isn’t that concerning (unless we’re talking about your anxiety levels at every stage). Plus he still got the kids to school on time. Let this one go.
Anonymous
I think your husband should not drink as much as he does at the party, but over all this reads as Not a Problem. I definitely think he should not have a curfew (9pm?!) and you should not be this worried about him. Also, drinking late at the holiday party was important for getting to know important people at my old firm – his job could
I would let this go.
Anonymous
Agreed. I read the post and thought “WTH?” Your husband went to a work party and had a good time. He still got up and dealt with the kids. Why were you expecting him to come home at 9 anyway? That is absurd.
Anonymous
Eh. It’s a rare occurrence and he did get up and get the kids to school. I
Anon
It’s hard to tell the frequency from your post, but if he goes out, gets drunk and stays out late just a couple times a year, it sounds ok. I think it’s pretty controlling to tell your husband when to come home. I wouldn’t like it myself.
Anon
Honestly, while I think you’re completely justified I being upset (I would be too), I would try to let it go since it sounds like he rarely drinks. He is no doubt suffering the natural consequences of his behavior today, and anything you say will probably be taken as piling on when I imagine he already regrets his choices.
Anonymous
So you’ve said that you repeatedly asked him to drink a reasonable amount and be home at a reasonable time, with the suggestion of 9PM. You haven’t said anything about what he agreed to, and “reasonable” leaves a lot of room for leeway (I’m sure he could have been later, if not much more intoxicated).
My experience is that if I ask my husband for something and he is non-committal or vague, it’s because he hasn’t agreed and doesn’t really plan to do what I asked him to do just because I asked him to do it. And if I find myself asking repeatedly, for me that’s a sign that I haven’t received any firm commitment. It is frustrating to me because I prefer when he says in so many words, “Yeah, no, I’m not making any promises about this.” But he’s more likely to actually say this if it’s a topic that isn’t already sensitive or charged in some way (especially from past arguments or conflicts).
For us, drinking is a charged topic because there’s a safety component that makes me anxious. Expectations about time is something we have both had to yield on. I had to recognize that he can’t relax, enjoy himself, and keep track of time at the same time, so “be home by X time” is an expectation that he needs a break from sometimes.
Anonymous
I think it also really helps to frame requests subjectively as requests. “Could you do this for me” is really different from “could you be reasonable and do the right thing by complying with my request instead of being objectively unreasonable, wrong, and bad.” This is something I’ve had to work on in life and in therapy in general (the idea that I can request things for myself just because I want them; I don’t have to prove to someone that my request is just “right”). It is also just more effective because it doesn’t make “doing the requested thing despite not wanting to” feel like self-incrimination.
anon
My therapy has framed this difference as a request vs a demand–are you really giving the other person an option to say no?
Anonymous
As long as he cowboys up and does he part (helping with the kids, preparing for the trip, getting on the road) without complaining, I’d let it go.
Never too many shoes...
OP, I suspect that you are feeling extra stressed about going away and that is informing your feelings about this. Because your husband’s behaviour was fine – he’s a grown adult and he gets to go out and drink too much if he wants. You’re not his mom and you can’t impose a curfew. Nor can he on you. The hangover is the consequence here.
Anon
Gently, I feel like you need to let him decide when he wants to come home. He is rarely out and making come home early from a work party seems kind of unreasonable for a rare event. He is an adult and can decide how much sleep he needs – seems like he did fine in the morning.
Monday
However, it’s quite possible that his BAC was still over the legal limit for driving the next morning. Passing out in the bathroom suggests that his BAC was extremely high around midnight, and 8 hours or less is not enough to “sleep it off” despite the phrase.
Anon
That’s a whole lot of assumptions you’re making there Monday.
Anon
I am one of those people who has to be really careful about my drinking because I always feel much, much drunker than my BAC indicates. At a BAC of .06, not even over the legal limit, I am not okay to drive, and I know that, and so I rarely drink outside of my house and if I do, I make sure I have a driver or take a cab/rideshare. Conversely, there are people out there who can blow a .24 and seem completely sober. Alcohol affects different people different ways, and making the assumption that the OP’s DH’s BAC was still too high hours later is a huge assumption. And seems irrational to me.
Monday
BAC is the only standard determining whether someone is legally driving under the influence. Whether someone can “seem completely sober” at .24 is irrelevant.
I only said “possible” regarding his BAC, but as for how long it takes to come down, that is not an assumption. Once someone stops drinking, their BAC drops at a standard rate per hour. My only guesswork was about how high his BAC was when he passed out. I deal with these metrics all the time for work and am not just pulling things out of nowhere. Again, “possible.” I’m not sure why this was inflammatory.
Anon
Right. Bluntly, OP, I think you trying to be his mommy and telling him not to drink too much and come home promptly at 9 p.m. for bedtime is not the way to have a productive relationship of equals with another functional adult. If he is generally irresponsible and doesn’t care about your feelings, get marriage counseling. If he’s a generally good, responsible, caring person who “a few times a year” goes out and has too much fun, but yet still manages to get up and help you out – I think the problem here is you, or at least your expectations. I am also going to put out there that when we treat adults like children, they tend to act like children. You’re your kids’ mom. You’re not your husband’s mom. If you want to persist in treating him like your third child, be prepared to see some behavior and experience some consequences to that you probably won’t enjoy.
Anonymous
+1
SSC
Absolutely. I would be incredibly resentful of this if the tables were turned and I was told I had to be home by 9:00 p.m. after an annual event.
Anon
I agree. The only issues I see here are that he didn’t do what you asked and passing out on the bathroom floor where the kids could see. However, let’s be reasonable. He’s your husband and partner. You word and preferences are not law and he doesn’t have to always listen to you. He wanted to have some fun and let loose. As long as there are no negative work consequences, who cares. If he passed out in the master bathroom, again who cares. He got the kids up and ready for school as he should. It sounds like you’re mad you didn’t get what you want and he didn’t listen to you. He doesn’t have to listen to you!!!
Anonymous
+1. Why would you ever tell your husband what time he needs to be home by, when it is a once in a year work party?
Anon
I would only add, and this is a little nuanced, but: I notice you mention the fact that you can’t sleep when he’s out as your first issue. And I get it, if that is the case, that sucks. However, when I think about what is reasonable to be upset about with him as a follow up vs. what is not, I don’t think that particular point is a fair one to him to bring up. He can’t necessarily help that. I can only imagine trying to reverse roles & having my husband ask me to come home early from a night out with my friends or whatever so that he can fall asleep…it would not go well. Can you take a melatonin or something to help in the future?
(This, of course, assumes that this was a truly one off incident that doesn’t repeat in severity too many times. If he keeps passing out on the bathroom floor, then you not being able to sleep over worrying over that is probably in fact something he can help by not getting to that level).
Anonymous
Yeah I get where OP is coming from; it’s harder to sleep if you’re off your routine or if you’re waiting to be woken up. I suggest coming up with some household rules. It’s unreasonable to give another adult a curfew. But you can absolutely tell someone, you are not allowed to wake me up in the middle of the night by drunkenly blundering through the bedroom where I have been asleep for hours. If you’re coming home past X p.m. then you need to sleep in the guest room/on the couch. That way, OP isn’t lying awake waiting for him to come in and disturb her, or wondering why he hasn’t come in yet.
Anon
Maybe that’s why he slept on the bathroom floor?! To be courteous! Ha ha, just kidding.
Flats Only
Yikes! Maybe I’m the only one, but I find it really super weird that you checked in on him via cameras in your house. If I lived in that type of surveillance state I would probably over-do it at the company Christmas party as well. Be grateful that he took an Uber home, arrived at a reasonable time, and got the kids off to school. If you’re bothered that he’s at home, I suppose you could accost him through the voice function on the in-home surveillance system.
Never too many shoes...
Yes. I can only imagine what the responses would have been if the OP had posted about her husband being mad that she got drunk at her company party and did not come home at 9 pm as he demanded and then checked on her with surveillance cameras…. the divorce him/therapy brigade would be out in full force.
JHC
Yes. This.
Anony
Totally with you Flats Only… find it really creepy and controlling that OP checked on her husband via the cameras in the house. A simple text – “hey, how ya feeling champ? What’s your plan for the day before the trip?” would have been fine.
My DH has gotten so drunk before that he literally wet the bed, while I was in it. I was so mad but ya know what, he felt awful – embarrassed, ashamed, depressed – that I just let it go and told him “I’m not mad at you, things happen” along with a hug. Your husband feels bad enough already OP. Cut him some slack and stop stalking him; he’s a grownup and can make his own decisions, no matter if you agree with them or not.
Anon
I could have written this. The difference is my husband always *thinks* he’ll be home for kid bedtime but he never is, and the fact that he drives 45 min to work, meaning he will be there with a car, drinking. Today they have bowling night and he was reluctant to even tell me about it. Because last time he didn’t call me to say he will be home late, drove home, and got home far past kid bedtime. Instead of making the conclusion that he needs to take better care and let me know that I’m on my own, he decided withholding all information is the way to go. So I think I am living your worst-case scenario and completely understand your fear. My husband is one decision away from being like yours, and yours is unfortunately one decision away from mine. This is very hard!
Another anon
Huh? Your scenario is totally different. You said your husband frequently stays out late drinking and that he’s drinking and driving. The OP said her husband doesn’t drink much at all typically or go out with friends ever, and he took an Uber home. Totally, completely different.
Anon
People have different opinions on alcohol, obviously. Even between husbands and wives. I grew up in a home where mom didn’t drink (due to a family of problem drinkers which lead to physical abuse, gambling issues, affairs, etc) and dad went out all of the time or got drunk at inappropriate times. Lots of arguing ensued. If OP has this opinion on drinking, she has a right to it for whatever reasoning she has. She has no idea if something terrible could happen to her husband or her kids due to her husband being “out of commission” at the wrong times. And yes, it clearly causes stress, because it turns a two parent household into a single parent household for a time. Despite the fact he got the kids to school…
I know people like their alcohol and they get offended by those who aren’t as into alcohol, but I suggest that you calm down. Your escapism and need to not feel judged for it is your issue.
Anon
I’m sorry but it sounds like you have issues with alcohol and are projecting weird stuff. Nobody is all that excited about this. She posted this, and we all offered our perspective.
Anon
“I know people like their alcohol and they get offended by those who aren’t as into alcohol, but I suggest that you calm down. Your escapism and need to not feel judged for it is your issue.”
This is a complete mischaracterization of the conversation and people’s responses, and this sanctimonious, passive-aggressive response doesn’t really say much for either your critical thinking skills or your ability to add anything thoughtful or substantive to the discussion. The issue is more that the OP (and one of the first people who responded to her) had an over-the-top reaction to a pretty common and pretty benign event. The consensus that she overreacted seems pretty clear to me. I think you got triggered because people weren’t representing or upholding your accepted worldview and you chose to post this as a reaction. If conversations that present the idea that alcohol consumption is okay are this triggering for you, maybe skip the thread next time.
Anon
I’m not sure if you are aware, but grown adults can go to parties and have a great time without coming home spitfaced and collapsing in their bathrooms while their children lie asleep. What the husband did was childish. He has responsibilities, a family. His wife could have had a medical emergency and he would be unable to help her.
I know that you may have grown up differently than me, but this fratboy behavior, even if it happens rarely, is not necessary for adults. It’s just not. “Blowing off steam?” How mentally unbalanced are you that you have to get into this condition to do that? Also, I am wondering what happened at the party. Will there be complaints filed with HR due to his lightweight status?
Anon
You can use this lamearse excuse for anything. Oh, in my world, we do drugs in front of our children, bring home other couples to our bedrooms, let our kids have relations in their rooms in HS…Whatever. I really don’t care. It’s irresponsible. You want to do that stuff, do it on your own time without having a wife and small children (or husband for that matter).
Anon
Bottom line is you can’t control your behavior when you are drunk, and adults can’t use being drunk as an excuse for anything. So if hubs groped someone, didn’t follow anyone’s advice and drove home (cause no one needs a babysitter/mommy telling him what to do), ended up in someone’s hotel room, couldn’t call an ambulance if his wife or kids needed one, etc., because he couldn’t handle the peer pressure from his co-workers (he obvs can’t)…and yeah, all of this can happen when you are drunk…that is a problem. He may be able to handle this now and get the kids up in the morning, but as one ages, this gets harder and harder to do.
Adults know their limits and their responsibilities, and drunks get very angry when anyone comes close to criticizing their behavior. Look inside, don’t yell at me.
Anonymous
LOL, thanks for this as now I know you are the Captain Crazypants who goes off the rails and takes the most extreme position imaginable on any controversial topic. Good job calling all the people who are telling the OP to chill “drunks.” Also, try combining your multiple comments into one comment next time; it saves scrolling. Thanks.
Anon
Haha. Captain Crazypants tells you to have another drink. Yes, some think you may have a problem in your life, and you are witching at someone online because you are mad about it! Get over yourself and just accept that you are being judged or change!
Also, I post here infrequently, so apparently there are others who don’t see eye to eye with you.
Anonymous
Hahahahaha what?!?
Anonymous
Nope. I am in AA. This guy is not an alcoholic. He can drink at an office party and come home when he wants.
Another anon
Honestly the problematic behavior here (in my view) is you giving him a curfew and insisting that he not drink too much on what sounds like his big annual night out with his colleagues, blaming him for not being able to fall asleep, and then getting mad that he’s decided to pass out in the bathroom instead of in bed where you were fuming and waiting for him. This is your partner! Cut him some slack! The hangover is its own consequences, and he still managed to handle the kids, etc.
As someone else said, I would just tease him and tell him you want your own big night out. All of this assumes of course that he isn’t otherwise a problem drinker and that there isn’t other pertinent info you’re not sharing.
Anon
I mean, I get the frustration and I could have written this about my husband (or me for that matter). But, that’s adulthood? You drink, you get hungover. You also have obligations that you will still fulfill to me and my family the next day. I can’t police his going out (nor do I want him to police mine), so we do it and know that regardless of what we do, the next day begins and the kids need to be cared for, etc.
Also, is this a ‘price of admission’ thing? I don’t mean it in the most extreme sense but more so meaning that you know it’s going to happen so what can you do for yourself? I’ve learned to be explicit “Husband, you’re going to be hungover as sin tomorrow. It’s been a long year and you deserve to go out and have fun. Enjoy your evening as you wish but when DD is awake at 6am, so are you.” That allows me to set expectations for us/our family and from that he then gets to set the expectations for himself and his behavior the night before.
Hugs. It’s hard, but reframing how you look at these situation has helped me and DH. Responsibilities don’t change because you’re hungover.
Anonymous
That assumes he’s safe to take care of the child at 6 am. From OP’s description, it didn’t sound at all clear to me that her H was safe to be the sole adult caregiver whenever the kids woke up.
Anon
Well, sure. I tried to avoid ragging on OP, but her decision to just pack up and leave was beyond unreasonable or safe.
Not for nothing, I’m in a work hard/play hard world. I’ve been quite banged up on a few late nights (3x/year?, prob around same frequency as OP’s DH) and I’m more than capable of serving my toddlers breakfast the next morning and keeping them safe. I will have a screaming headache but I made my bed, so…. If I can take care of my kids when I have two (gasp, four!?) glasses of wine on Thanksgiving, I can take care of my kids at 6am after being out until 12 or 1 the night before.
Anonymous
I don’t think he’s an alcoholic who needs rehab. But I’ll note OP never used the A word herself, someone else did.
I think a lot of the comments to the OP are really harsh. It’s not crazy to ask your partner to be home by a particular time on a certain day. She isn’t implementing a 9 pm curfew always; she’s asking him to come home early on one particular night when they’re leaving on a trip the next day. I’ve certainly done the same thing to my husband, as have most women I know. I think it’s part of partnership that you accommodate the other person’s schedule and if there’s something important planned for the next day, you don’t stay out too late. In fact, I think a lot of women might ask their husbands to completely skip the party in a similar situation.
I’ll also say that while my circle mostly consists of light to moderate drinkers, I don’t know anyone who has gotten so drunk they passed out while their young children were home. That’s honestly pretty horrifying to me, as is wetting the bed due to being drunk like another person mentioned. I’m not saying I’d be calling a divorce lawyer if my husband did this, but I completely agree with OP that it isn’t normal or acceptable behavior and we’d be working on a plan for it to never happen again. And if it happened twice, we’d at a minimum be in counseling.
Never too many shoes...
I’m sorry but I think this is still way over the line. Maybe don’t plan a trip for the day after any spouse’s annual event is a better answer. If my husband asked me to skip my firm holiday party, there would be a serious discussion about his total lack of a clue. A curfew for a work party is not an ok ask nor is the ask to skip it altogether. From either spouse. I would prefer my husband wet the bed than have such a complete lack of respect for my right to be an independent entity.
Anonymous
Nothing suggests she planned the trip unilaterally though. I agree it’s not fair or respectful to your spouse to refuse to consider his plans, but I’ve certainly said to my husband “Hey I need you home at X time on such and such date.” Of course if he said “no I can’t do that,” there would be a discussion and I wouldn’t just say “well, sorry, you have to.” But her husband didn’t appear to push back on her request at all. He’s a grown man who can use his words, if he didn’t think getting home relatively sober at 9 pm was reasonable given his plans, he should be able to tell OP that in advance.
Clearly OP and her husband don’t see eye to eye on this and that’s an issue, but I don’t think the position held by you and apparently by OP’s husband is any more objectively valid than her viewpoint. And fwiw I do think the sample on this s1te is skewed with respect to alcohol use, and especially with respect to alcohol use at work events. I honestly don’t really know anyone who drinks like this at work events. A couple beers or glasses of wine, sure. But getting blackout drunk? No.
Anon
I agree that they probably shouldn’t have planned the trip the day after his big event, but that is on him more than her. She is not responsible for his work schedule, he is, and he should have either anticipated it being an issue or made plans to deal with them being close together (which, to be fair, he may be doing by just bearing the hangover, getting the kids to school, and not complaining).
ceej
This might be “textbook” alcoholism. To be diagnosed, a person must meet two of many criteria in a 12 month period. The ones that seem to apply here are:
Using alcohol in higher amounts or for a longer time than originally intended.
Being unable to fulfill major obligations at home, work, or school because of alcohol use.
Continuing to abuse alcohol despite negative interpersonal or social problems that are likely due to alcohol use.
But, generally, I’d agree this is more of a boundaries, expectations, and relationship problem than a drinking problem unless it is happening more than 6 times a year.
Anonymous
I live in a highly walkable neighborhood in a large city (but not NY-SF). It’s got older SF houses, duplexes, and 4-plexes on what I’d call an urban-sized lot. Like Arlington VA and some parts of DC. The area is rapidly getting redeveloped into up to 6-story buildings that only need a 10-foot setback from the lot lines, so getting more urban. It is about 2 miles from my city’s central business district (buildings into 40+ stories). So walkable on a good day, in good shoes, if you aren’t carrying much.
I am finding that it is still car-desirable (although not car mandatory) in that the grocery stores are either in the downtown core or a mile away or more (so: carrying 1 bag is OK). Sort of like when I lived outside of NYC (could not afford anything closer) and needed a car to go from my walkable town core to the more outlying park&ride train stop. My friends with kids say they could take a bus to/from the central business district, but need a car for kid stuff, daycare drop off, etc. You can’t easily take a car seat on a bus, e.g.
Our refugee resettlement organization actively solicits car donations as one of the key drivers in a new family’s upward mobility: ability to choose magnet schools for kids, ability to get to jobs with shorter commute times (or work two jobs), etc. We have train transit, but it has made those neighborhoods unaffordable to most people and bus transit (which just takes a very, very long time).
Not sure if this is the case everywhere, but the only place I’ve ever been able to afford to live without a car and rely on transit was in DC, and afford is an iffy word — it was really expensive, but the alternative was just a horrid commute. There was no easy winning choice — you paid in $$$ or you paid in time. There was not magic transit land (if there is, let us know — might be a good place to move to).
Anon
Are you looking for recommendations of where to live that’s truly walkable? Chicago is very walker-friendly. The only people with cars are ones who regularly need to go to the suburbs, but even for that there are regional trains. Cost of living is very reasonable for a large city.
Anonymous
Thanks!
Is Chicago the sort of place that people can live in past their 20s (like if they have kids)? I feel like so many cities are time-limited — like SF is fun, but would get old over a lifetime, especially if you live changes from single person to take care of to parent, so I’m casting a broad net for my next move. I want it to be to my forever city.
In Chicago, I know someone in Naperville (loves! but married, 2 kids) and Winnetka (probably too expensive for me). Not in the city proper.
AFT
Some people stay in the city of Chicago with kids, but lots move to the suburbs. Those that stay and are in teh typical corporette demographics/my social circle tend to either send kids to private school or buy real estate very strategically so that they’re zoned for “good” elementary schools and otherwise set up for the long-term.
It is a super walker friendly city, though. My parents retired to the northside near the lake and only use their car ~1-2 times a week (and that’s to come see me in the burbs, usually).
Anonymous
Obviously yes
Anon
People do it, but you have to be pretty wealthy if you want the same quality of life that an average joe could have in the suburbs. I know two people with families who live in Chicago proper. On is Wealthy with a capital w (not only a good corporate job, but also lots of family money; she and her husband regularly make charitable contributions of $10k+). The other is a U of Chicago faculty member, but he’s a big shot and paid incredibly well for an academic (I think his salary is around $300k+). Their kids both attend U of C Lab Schools.
Bee
I’ve found that the Blue Line corridor around Wicker Park/Bucktown is slightly more family friendly/affordable than Lakeview/Lincoln Park/Old Town but with a similar trendiness, if you don’t mind the meh school districts. North Park and Roscoe Village are also do-able with a small family but feel more suburb-y. Obviously going to be more expensive there than in the’burbs but you’re on L lines.
A.
Also, many families move to close-in suburbs like Oak Park or Evanston that still have a very walkable, city feel and are sliiiiightly cheaper (but only slightly). But they still have commuter rail, the L-train, etc.
Ribena
This is where good buses make a huge difference. In most UK cities buses are totally privatised and terrible, but I live in one of the few cities with a municipal transport authority which covers buses and they’re fantastic. Most people in the urban core use buses as their primary means of motorised transport.
I’ve never seen anyone with a car seat on the bus – if their kids are out of pushchairs then they’re sitting on a bus seat/ their parent’s lap.
Utility e-bikes are increasingly popular too for things like groceries and child-carrying although still very much a niche choice.
cbackson
I desperately want a utility e-bike for shopping trips, but there is no room for it in my apartment (probably because the 7 bikes I already have…).
Anon
n+1! I was fortunate to find a Burley trailer at the curb in my neighborhood (like, they legit were throwing it out because the kids didn’t want to ride in it anymore), so I have my stuff-hauler. It’s heavy AF w/my mountain bike though and an e-bike would be a great splurge.
Anonymous
Huh?
Anon
I could live without a car in my medium size southern city, but only because I’m able-bodied and walk/bike. I made the conscious decision when house-hunting to stay as close to town as I can afford. Our public transportation sucks.
Anonymous
I feel that I have a 2-mile limit on where I will live vs where my job is. That way, if my car doesn’t start, I could walk or it’s a cheap cab ride. But it is so expensive — older housing stock (getting knocked down for mansions), no closets, no floor is level, everything is out of square. Roaches!
But what is happening is that now that our downtown core is getting expensive, many businesses are relocating to suburban office parks (think: your DC office moves to Tysons or Fair Oaks), which blows for people who bought (and isn’t fun for renters, either) with the expectation that their commute made sense.
Anon
My house is 4 miles from my job, and short of a unicorn coming up for sale in one specific neighborhood that would cut it in half, is as close to work (which, knock wood, won’t move unless I change jobs) as I can get. It’s actually faster to cycle, but I don’t do it as often as I should because I suck at getting my crap together (change of clothes, lunch, etc) the night before.
Anon
Are you seeking advice, have a question, or just telling a contextless story?
Triangle Pose
I was also totally baffled by this post. Others were able to deduce what she was asking, but I truly don’t know how. I thought it was a general and contextless complaint story…
Anonymous
Also, car seats are not required on buses or other forms of public transportation, so that’s not truly a consideration for those populations past convenience.
-a child passenger safety tech
Anon
Car seats are still a consideration if they need to ride in a car at any point. Plus most hospitals won’t let you leave without one, regardless of how committed you are to the city bus system.
Anon
I’m posting here on the regular site in the hopes of hearing from some seasoned moms. I have a sticky situation at my kiddo’s school. She started at a new school (private Nursery through 12) this year for PreK, and we were told that the kids go outside everyday. They go out maybe every other day, and at one point went two weeks straight without going outside. We never thought to ask if the kids would be watching TV in the classroom every day, but they are. I’ve spoken with the teacher about these concerns. She said that’s just how it is. So last week we spoke with the school director, who assured me things would be changing. Director was surprised to hear about TV every day, and said she would help teachers to phase it out. So, this week they’ve had TV each day so far (usually 15-20 minutes). My child was not allowed to watch, and instead was kept in a separate part of the room to read. One day she helped the teachers with lunch set up. Yesterday, when I picked her up, the teacher told me that my child misbehaved all day. (This is the first day I’ve heard this all year.) I don’t doubt that she misbehaved. But, it seems clear to me that kiddo is misbehaving because she feels left out. The teacher’s response was to cut out 5 minutes of my child’s outdoor recess time, which already is only 20 minutes (and not every day.) I emailed the teacher and director last night to let them know that I don’t want my child to be separated from other kids and I’m concerned about removing recess time as a punishment. I also let them know that at home we are talking to kiddo about appropriate behavior in school and the importance of following directions.
Now what? I feel like I’m stuck in a dynamic in which I am asking the school to change, they don’t want to or assure me that things will change, but they don’t, and then I’m stuck emailing/meeting with the director again. I really regret the decision to send our little one to the school, but don’t want to change in the middle of the year. I hate being “that mom” who is constantly complaining to the school, yet I really feel blindsided about what my child’s daily schedule actually is. My elder child is in 3rd grade in this school and is having a wonderful experience with a stellar teacher. What would you do? Side note: We live in a school district that doesn’t have full day kindergarten, so we are in private school at least through next year, until she starts 1st grade.
Cb
TV in the classroom? No outside time? No wonder they are having behavioural issues.
Anonymous
Set up an in person meeting with the teacher and director and let the15-20 minutes of screen time go.
Anonymous
This. Explain that you don’t want your kid separated as social exclusion is not the way to address this. That you understand that tv may be used at some points but you would like them to reduce the use for the class as a whole to the extent possible and focus on getting the kids outside as much as possible.
There is no perfect answer. 15-20 minutes of tv time isn’t the end of the world. It’s certainly not ideal but there is no perfect situation. Two drop offs and pick ups is going to make your life a lot harder.
Anon
Wow. That is just totally unacceptable and absurd. No outside time and watching TV?! Sounds like the teachers and director are totally incompetent. There is zero TV watching at the schools in my area. I would remove her as soon as you can and complain to the board if there is one.
Anon
There should be ZERO TV in school, especially private school which is typically better resourced. I’d pull your kid out if things don’t change ASAP.
LittleBigLaw
+1 Also, aside from the (very real!) logistical issues for you, I wouldn’t worry about changing in the middle of the year vs the beginning. Preschoolers won’t really get the difference between doing something new in January vs August. What she will get is that it sucks to be isolated and bored. So sorry you’re dealing with this. TV in the classroom is baffling to me.
Anon
There should be zero tv unless it’s a video that is specifically part of a lesson, but it definitely shouldn’t be 15-20 minutes every day.
Anon
They should have as much outside time as possible. My kids preschool goes out unless it falls below 32F, and they get at least an hour a day if not more. But I don’t really care if they watch 15 – 20 minutes of tv a day. I just don’t see that as a big deal, and I think it’s overkill to prohibit your child from watching.
I would focus on advocating for a lot, lot, lot more outdoor time.
Anon
I would change schools. The teacher and school leadership have already shown you who they are and how they handle parent concerns and how they treat children when a child reacts in an age-appropriate manner. This from someone who changed preschools to find the right fit for my child and family. Sorry you are dealing with this, I know how hard it can be.
lsw
+1 What the hell?? I would change schools. This is insane. Especially since the director was unaware. What in the world
Senior Attorney
Yes, good Lord. No outside time? TV every day? Hell no.
Anonymous
I don’t think that 15-20 minutes of TV is the hill to die on. It could be that it was cold or playground equipment was wet. Having both kids at the same school is key — will you abandon the school completely? If your kid will be there for first grade and older kid will be staying there, I think you just deal with the TV and the behavior and get the outside time on your own or weekends or do some sort of activity (for us, it’s often just walking the aisles of the grocery store). You could check out other options (many churches have what public schools don’t provide), but moving from private school to private school mid-year is hard. Moving to public school is just a matter of showing up, but you still need to figure out something for your younger kid.
Anon
Omg kids can go outside in cold and wet conditions. That would be an absurd reason to greenlight TV.
Anonymous
What? If playground equipment is wet, then the kids get cold and wet. Have you tried to keep kids just on wet grass and off of playground equipment? In a large group, you’re going to have miserable kids for the rest of the day.
Windchill of 17? That is really cold. If you have one kid without a coat (you will!), then you can’t safely let them say inside alone, so everyone stays in together.
Anonymous
That’s why snowsuits exist to keep kids warm and dry.
Anon
Wowwwww.
I grew up in Alaska and I remember one week in all of elementary school when we had recess indoors. It was because the playground was totally covered in a sheet of ice. Kids can go outside and get cold and get wet and, god forbid, even be outdoors when it’s 17 degrees.
Anon
My kids’ preschool does not use TV, but regulations about staying inside when it’s cold or wet are completely normal. Playground equipment isn’t safe if it’s been raining, and in many states it’s a state licensing requirement that you can’t go outside in certain temperatures. I live in the Midwest and all the daycares in my city keep kids inside when the “feels like” temperature is below 25 (or above 100). Since they all follow the same rule I assume it is a licensing thing. This means that there are many winter and spring days that the kids don’t go outside.
Anon
Somehow kids in Scandinavia handle it just fine. The reason? They’re all required to have boots, snowsuits, hats, and gloves. Plus, just because the playground equipment might be wet doesn’t mean kids can’t play tag or other games. They can also generally play games in the gym. Best case scenario is if the adults let them figure out how to play their own games during this time.
Anon
Many parts of the Midwest and New England are significantly colder than much of Scandinavia. Windchills below 0F are extraordinarily rare in Copenhagen, fairly common in the upper Midwest. My kids’ daycare requires snowpants, boots, hat and gloves too, and all the children in my daughter’s classroom have them, but they still don’t go outside when it’s bitterly cold outside and honestly I’m fine with that. I wouldn’t want them watching TV regularly, but I don’t believe that children need to go outside every single day.
Anon
I’m an “old” and I realize how much times have changed. When I first read this I thought 15-20 minutes of TV time was no big deal. She’s in pre-k which used to be 3 hours of learning and is now full day most places. 15-20 minutes of relaxing / fun time sounds like no big deal to me but I was brought up in a different time when we were allowed all the TV we wanted at home. I won’t say I turned out ok. I definitely have ADHD and struggle with concentration at work when other fun things call. So, maybe the new way of parenting is on to something!
Anon
ADHD is not caused by TV.
Anonymous
We had very little TV at home for most of my childhood (as in, we would roll one out of a closet to watch a movie on holidays or when we were down with the flu). I did a lot of reading books for hours on end, and a lot of playing outside. I still have ADHD.
Anonymous
This is not the right Pre-K, and there is a lot of time left in the school year. You need to move her.
Anon
What sort of TV are they watching? I agree that it seems weird for school, but if it’s only 25 minutes at this age I’d probably just let it go. The recess and outdoor time would bother me more.
Anonymous
I hated being stuck in front of the TV so much when I was a school kid. It always felt like it was for the teacher’s benefit not ours, and they honestly didn’t always make good judgments about what to screen. But usually it was something that happened because a teacher was out and the substitute teacher didn’t know what to do with the time.
I guess I don’t know what the rationale behind regular, scheduled TV time would be. Is it just a recorded lesson of some kind? Is there some kind of activity built around it? I don’t want to assume that it’s the same checked-out, roll-in-the-projector experience that I remember, but I would also have questions.
OP
The teachers serve lunch in the classroom. TV is on to keep kids in one place while they set up the food.
I know comparison is the enemy of happiness, etc. But at our old school (in a different state; we just moved over the summer), our kiddo was at the same school from 3 months to 4 years. Starting in the toddler classroom, the kids were involved in helping to set up lunch. It was great. It’s hard to see her in a new school, now even older, but with less independence.
Anon
Is it possible that the food guidelines of the new state and/or the new school require adults to take care of those tasks (things are different for Pre-k4-12 vs. infant-kinder institutions)? Obviously TV isn’t the only way to handle that transition–they could play outside, do a physical activity like GoNoodle, read books, etc., but it may be that they aren’t allowed to handle lunch setup the way your old school was.
Anon
I’m sorry but with this context I think your contention on the TV thing is bordering on the “crazy mom” arena. They watch 15-25 minutes of TV during a designated down time (lunch) so the teachers sit them in one place enough to feed them? What would you rather happen, lunch now takes two to three times as long because of kids all over the place?
The little outside time to me is definitely a huge issue and I’d move schools for that alone. But the TV thing is just nbd in the grand scheme of things. If you want a school with a strict no screen time policy, you need to go to one with that philosophy or home school them because you won’t be able to enforce that on a teacher with a classroom full of not your kids who are simply trying to get 15 minutes to set up lunch. So yeah, on the TV thing you are being “that Mom” and it’s your right to pull your kid out of the school, but you can’t force additional lunchtime chaos on a whole classroom because you don’t believe in 15 minutes of TV. H*ll half of us do that just to get a shower in the morning with our own kids.
Anon
I disagree. The point isn’t the TV. The point is that they’re using TV as a crutch to address poor decisions around classroom organization. And the fact that the director was not aware is insane. Outside time was addressed above and I agree that children need outside time – study after study shows it improves behavior.
Anon
Was there a reason given for not going outside? Our (wonderful) preschool doesn’t go outside when the windchill is below 25 or when it’s been raining that day. I don’t believe my daughter has been outside in two weeks or close to it, because we live in the Midwest and in the winter in tends to only warm up to rain – when it’s not raining, it’s freezing. However, they have a large gross motor room where the kids go run around when it’s too cold/wet to go outside, and they don’t watch TV.
OP
The school’s rule is no outside time with wind chill below 17 (we live in the Great Lakes region). The teacher said that some kids didn’t have winter gear, so the whole group couldn’t go out. It sounded like a staffing issue, but then the director assured me that they have enough staff. Since then, kids have been outside more, with the no-snowpants kids staying inside.
Anon
Then the teachers have a major issue with communicating with parents if kids aren’t being sent to school with proper outdoor gear. I understand it’s convenient to have your kids at the same school but that’s a really ridiculous excuse and would make the question the competency of the staff.
Anon
Don’t know OP’s situation, but it’s kind of privileged to blame the school for kids not having the proper winter gear. In my area, there are a lot of lower-income students who come to school without proper winter gear and it’s a big headache for the staff. Our school has had clothing drives to address it, and thanks to the clothing drives they can keep spare winter gear in each classroom for children who need it. But I feel that my school is going above and beyond. If the students’ families don’t have the money or aren’t making the effort to send them with proper winter gear, I would not default to blaming the teachers or school director for that, as I don’t think it’s their responsibility to properly clothe all their students. And frankly, I think it’s better to keep everyone inside than send most of the students outside and keep the poor kids inside, because that feels like a punishment for them.
OP
Absolutely agree about privilege and having enough snow gear. During our meeting with director, we asked if kids are lacking clothing because of financial reasons, and she basically said, omg no all the kids in PreK are from families that pay full tuition. We offered to ask for donations of extras for the classroom, and she said that would be welcome.
Anon
Come on it’s a private school k-12. How many truly poor kids can there be? Sure maybe there’s 1-2 full scholarship kids who don’t have snow pants in the great lakes region, but if it’s 1/4 or 1/2 the class then it hasn’t been communicated to parents properly what gear needs to be sent to school. This doesn’t sound like the type of school where poverty is a huge issue.
OP
Thank you, everyone! I agree with the point that 20 minutes of TV is not a hill to die on. I am much more concerned about the lack of outside time and physical activity. I think I will focus on that, and ensuring that my kiddo is included in all activities with her group.
Switching schools in the middle of the year is a last resort for us (and nearly impossible in our city). My daughter LOVES attending the same school as her big sis. They run into each other on campus every day, and dropping them off together in the morning has been heaven.
I think what I more need help with is framing my thinking about the situation, and figuring out how to communicate more effectively with the teachers and administration. I appreciate everyone’s input!
A.
I work in a private preK-12 school and this is crazy. Who is their accrediting body? I cannot think of a reputable school where this type of TV behavior would be acceptable.
Anon
So you must have never worked in a mid to lower tier public school because this happens alllll the time. I don’t think this is a thing that would prevent accreditation.
A.
Hi, three Anons — I realize that the resources in public schools are much different than in private. The OP’s post said her kid was in a private school, and the standards are typically different for private schools (for better or for worse) b/c of resource access. I am not necessarily saying that private is better than public, just that the standard is usually different and that this would likely come up as an issue during accreditation — not that it would wholly prevent it, but it would be a major red flag.
Anon
TV use is sadly pretty common in our (highly ranked, 2nd or 3rd in the state depending on which metric you use) local public schools. Private schools may be different, but this is definitely not unheard of at even the best public schools.
Anonymous
+1. My parents joke-in-earnest that all I did in second grade was watch Reading Rainbow. Our teacher used the TV almost daily. At my public elementary, second grade was designed as a “catch up year” for the kids who had not learned reading and simple addition and subtraction in first grade. The kids who had learned those things, me included, basically got a gap year and didn’t start learning anything new until third grade. My school district won all kinds of awards and had excellent test scores and four year college acceptance rates.
Anon
I think you need to push back about the TV. I have never heard of pre-k using TV in any school even public ones. It’s really unacceptable IMO.
Z
I distinctly remember watching the Land Before Time movies when I was in pre-k in the early 90’s. Also teachers in upper grades use movies all the time instead of going outside (especially when it’s cold or raining). Are they still teaching the kids normal pre-k level stuff?
Susan
All of the research supports going outside in the rain, heat, and snow. The refusal to let kids play outside is abusive and harms their social, physical and cognitve development.
Rash from natural deodorant?
Waiting on the date of my feel appointment…but has anyone had this problem and, if so, why?
At different times SO, sister and I have all switched from using antiperspirant/deodorant to Schmidt’s or Native Co. deodorant. A couple months later we all developed underarm rashes…besides that I was loving the lack of aluminum based pit stains in the laundry so I’m bummed….
mascot
Waiting on the date of my feel appointment…but has anyone had this problem and, if so, why?
At different times SO, sister and I have all switched from using antiperspirant/deodorant to Schmidt’s or Native Co. deodorant. A couple months later we all developed underarm rashes…besides that I was loving the lack of aluminum based pit stains in the laundry so I’m bummed….
Anon
Arm & Hammer is the one I use. Or Tom’s of Maine.
Anonymous
Just stop using it.
Houda
Perhaps it is bacteria build-up if it has less preservatives? If it is the same tube, perhaps you want to get a smaller tub if they make that and renew every 2 months?
I personally get very itchy underarms a few weeks into using any deodorant so need to rotate them
Anon
Yes. I’ve tried every natural deodorant out there and the ones that worked gave me a rash and the ones that didn’t left me smelling awful. I gave it up and am back to my cancer sticks from Dove.
Anon
Natural deodorant ingredients are all over the place. There are more than those two and you have to try different ones out to find ones that work for you. In natural deodorants a common, but not always, culprit of irritation and rash is baking soda in the formula. Both Schmidt’s and Native Co. didn’t work for me personally and I smelled awful. I finally found two that work for me that I’d suggest: Piper Wei (charcoal based deodorant) and Love Beauty and Planet – but neither of these will work with heavy sweating (honestly no natural deodorant will except a rock crystal).
Anon
This may be unhelpful but I always get my natural deodorant from Europe (Spain specifically but I saw tons of options in Switzerland too) and they are great. They work well and don’t give me rashes. Don’t know why we don’t have more options here, but I haven’t liked any of the US ones I tried.
Mallory
Not “all-natural,” but I have sensitive pits and have really liked the Arm & Hammer deodorants, which are aluminum-free.
Anonymous
I’ve tried every natural deodorant out there, including these 2 and Arm and Hammer. I don’t get rashes, but I would stink a few hours in. Recently, I bought Lume because the viral commercials intrigued me. I think it is somewhat overpriced ($15), but I have to say it works. I even tested it over the weekend when I didn’t take a shower. I didn’t smell for 2 days, which blew me away. I don’t get that even with regular antiperspirant.
Fishie
I’ve been using Everyman Jack deoderants. The sandalwood and citrus ones smell nice and not too masculine. No rashes.
anon
I’ve had the same problem with natural deodorants. Plus they didn’t work that well anyway. I’ve since switched back to the stuff that may or may not be giving me cancer and am OK with that tradeoff.
Anon
So glad there are others with these same issues.
rosie
I just started using Yes to Charcoal (from the Yes to… brand, I think these deodorants are exclusive to Target) and like them so far, but have been not super active & also it’s cold, so they haven’t really been tested. So far I like them, go on much smoother than the Primal Pit Paste charcoal one I tried. I used Schmidt’s for awhile, but the baking soda started irritating me.
Anony
Yes, the natural deodorants with baking soda gave me a rash when I first switched. It also took me MONTHS for my armpits to transition from aluminum-clogged to healthy. I now use Native and Schmidt’s Sensitive lines. I used to sweat like crazy and have a weird smell when I used aluminum based deodorant. After switching to natural, I don’t sweat as much and my body chemistry doesn’t change the deodorant’s scent. Ulta sells a armpit detox mask that works great to help the transition. Now that it’s been over a year since I switched, I can rotate through baking soda ones and sensitive ones, although I notice that I need to reapply the sensitive ones after work because they don’t last as long.
Anon
Does anyone have advice for resetting your mood? I’ve been feeling down about some things at work and it’s been a stressful work period for several months so I’m also getting burnt out. I come home excited to see my husband but whenever there’s a pause he asks me if I’m okay; friends similarly have said I’m not as bubbly as usual. I don’t know how to snap out of it because work has felt all consuming but I’ve really made an effort to attend holiday parties and see the people I care about. It’s such a festive time of year and I want to enjoy it, I just keep feeling off.
The Beagle Has Landed
I’m in exactly the same place. What helps me is topical stuff: walks at lunchtime with happy playlists going on Spotify, looking at the photos of good times on my phone from the past year, trying to get as much sleep as I can, trying not to listen to the news, especially political.
Sending a virtual hug (because real ones also help – oxytocin rush for the win!)
Housecounsel
Check Carolyn Hax in the Washington Post today. Her entire column is suggestions about how to reset a bad mood.
Anonymous
I don’t think “snap out of it” is realistic. It sounds like you’re used to being in control, being bubbly, being “fine” and it may be hard to accept the idea that you’re not. But something is clearly going wrong, because you’re getting a lot of feedback from people telling you something is wrong.
Do the normal things like upping your sleep, eating well, getting outside, getting some movement. See a therapist if necessary. And consider that “feeling down” might actually be “somewhat depressed.”You may need to learn new ways to handle your emotions or thoughts, you may need to learn how to calm anxiety, you may need the aid of medication to do this. Whatever it is, since it has been building for a while, “snapping” out of it will look more like “a process of walking out of it.”
Vicky Austin
Following, because I seriously feel like normal life, not even holiday commitments, has just been GO GO GO since before Thanksgiving. My best trick is to do a 5 minute meditation on an app.
HW
I feel the same way and started getting comments about it too. I just started taking a vitamin d supplement and feel like it’s helping my mood and energy levels.
Anon
I know people go to this a lot, but do you think you could be depressed or have SAD? I ignored mine for so long because I thought it only means “deep dark hole, can’t move, can’t function, want to die” sort of feeling. But depression can express itself as general saddness, malaise, or melancholiness, lack of energy, disinterest in life in general, even uncharacteristic anger, that doesn’t lift for two weeks or more. Depressed people can be happy in short spurts but the sadness returns swiftly.
It may be a combination of physical factors, so I’d suggest starting out with getting more sun or light therapy lamp, Vitamin D and B supplements, multivitamin, exercising regularly, and stress reducing strategies.
If it doesn’t yield you may want to see a doctor or therapist.
Anon
I agree that it’s maybe SAD. See if taking a walk at lunch on nice days invigorates you. Consider getting a sunlamp too if you think it might benefit you. I got one last year on Amazon for about $20.
A.
Gratitude journal. It sounds hokey as h*ll, but it has significantly changed how I see the world on a daily basis. Just a few bullets a day in a dedicated notebook.
Anonymous
Also looking at something funny to make you laugh, changes the brain chemicals.
The Beagle Has Landed
I’m in exactly the same place. What helps me is topical stuff: walks at lunchtime with happy playlists going on Spotify, looking at the photos of good times on my phone from the past year, trying to get as much sleep as I can, trying not to listen to the news, especially political.
Sending a virtual hug (because real ones also help – oxytocin rush for the win!)
Murz
What do I give to the Rover family that watches our dog when we travel? They watched our dog over our honeymoon this year and gave us a lovely, unexpected card and target gift card ($25). This year after our Thanksgiving stay they gave our dog a christmas gift with a toy and dog biscuits. We think they are amazing and super cool so I want to give them a card and thoughtful gift, but I’m not sure what’s appropriate. We pay $35/night for them to watch our dog, and we won’t see them again through the year, so we will have to mail whatever we give them (but I don’t mind going to the post office if it’s not something online).
anonymous
How about a heartfelt, written card and gift card to Target. If you don’t know them well, I think a gift card is you best option.
rosie
A holiday card and a Target gc (I’d say $50-75 range). If you want to do something else, I like sending Cheryls cookies (as long as you know no dietary restrictions), so maybe the card w/gc that you mail and then cookies delivered.
Favorite credit cards?
…that aren’t travel-focused? We currently have Chase Mileage Plus but realize now that we are in a season of life (small kids, burned all my leave for maternity, tight budget) when we are not likely to do much traveling other than car camping! And need a credit card that reflects that. Majority of our purchases are groceries, shopping.
Seriously considering the Costco card (all gas and 1/2 groceries purchased there) but would love alternative recs!
Abby
Costco cc is the best! 3% restaurants – I got over $400 in cash back last year which was terrifying but also great.
Anon
Citi Thank You Rewards — you can use the points for travel but if not you can get gift cards to absolutely everything or you can even use them to pay your bill. There’s also a Citi Cash Back card (maybe double cash back for certain things – IDK) so that’s also an option if you’re just looking for some savings — I tend to think of credit card rewards as something extra so I actually like when they get me something like gift cards or travel points or whatever; if feels like a splurge rather than just sending extra $ into savings which I do ALL the time anyway.
anon
The Costco card is great because it’s no-fee other than the Costco fee.
Amazon and Target have 5% cash back if you do a significant amount of your shopping there and are also no-fee (except for the Amazon Prime fee).
Am Ex’s Blue Cash Preferred card gives 6% cash back on groceries (but not at Costco or other big box stores, and up to $6000 in purchases per year), 6% cash back on certain subscription services, 3% cash back on gas (but can’t be used at Costco), and 3% on taxis, ride shares, and other transit costs.
If you have an account at Fidelity, they have a card that offers 2% cash back on all purchases with no annual fee.
Capital One, Chase, and USAA all offer cards with 1.5% cash back on all purchases, I believe with no or low annual fees.
Anonymous
Citi double cash card. 2% on everything, all the time. It’s great. You can apply points to your statement balance or get a check.
Senior Attorney
Citi Double Cash Back. 1% when you charge plus 1% when you pay, on everything.
Anon
I like the Costco card quite a bit!
Silly Valley
+1 on the Amex BCP if you buy a lot of groceries. There’s a ~$95 AF but it’s worth it for the 6% back if you spend a lot. It’s also got 6% cb on streaming now, and 3% back on transit and gas. The no-fee equivalent, the BCE, has lower rates but is also not a bad choice.
The Fidelity 2% back is my go-to for most other things. I used to use the Uber card for restaurants and online purchases but they’re changing the cash back to only Uber credits so I plan on canceling. Discover is good for the 5% cash back categories each quarter, and if you have Prime the Chase Amazon Visa is probably worth having. I just got a BoA Cash Rewards card, which gives you 2% back on groceries and wholesale (not included in BCP iirc) and you can choose one other category to get 3% back, and change it once a month.
CountC
I have the Amex Blue Cash Preferred card and love it. It’s something absurd like 6% back on groceries (up a $6k /yr limit I think), with either 3% or 2% on gas, and then another above 1% on restaurants, and then 1% on everything else. It’s $95 a year, but I’ve earned over $700 already this year, so I don’t mind paying the fee.
Small Law Partner
Amex Platinum. Annual fee seems steep (550), but I make up the annual fee many, many times over every year in credits, gift cards I get with points, and other benefits. Depends how you use it.
Best recent buys for 1" heels for work?
I’d love a pair of Ferragamo Varas — pump-looking shoe with a 1″ heel. Not flats. Not higher heels. Also not Vara price.
Does this sort of shoe exist at a <$200 price point? My prior shoes (Brooks Brothers, $100 on sale) are 3+ years old and needing a refresh.
Anonymous
Sure! Cole Haan Tali bow pump? Rockports? Munros?
Small Law Partner
Yeah, Cole Haan. I cannot believe there hasn’t been a trademark/trade dress lawsuit over this yet.
FP
You might check out the Tory Burch sale section. They have some good low heeled pumps.
anon
+1 OP not sure if you’ve tried on Ferragamos, but I’ve got two pairs and they fit me very well/feel great, and Tory Burch shoes also seem to fit my feet well.
Anonymous
Hard to track down in the US, but I have these 1.5″ pumps from the Austrian brand Högl and they are extremely comfortable and good quality (thick leather insoles and soles, etc). Cost ~$150.
https://hoegl.com/en-us/shoes/all-shoes/pumps/studio-30-0-183000?colorCode=3000
anonypotamus
also check poshmark – I do not know your shoe size, but I usually see a lot of Vara’s on there.
CHS
Has anyone else watched Home for Christmas on Netflix? I just flew through it and it is d-e-lightful. Holidays, Norway, smart characters, fun narrative, it’s got all the things. Right now all I need is a second season!
Senior Attorney
Thanks for the rec.
We watched The Knight Before Christmas the other day and it was SO SILLY! I kind of loved it and Hubby just rolled his eyes through the whole thing.
Anon
I actually loved Knight Before Christmas, I thought it was hilarious and delightful. I still giggle when I think about the knight talking to Lady Alexa. Much better than the usual cheesy Hallmark-esque movie!
Anonymous
The premise cracked me up. He’s not immunized against modern measles! She’s a science teacher! Girl that romance is dead.
Anon
Yes I loved Knight Before Christmas and told everyone I know to watch it. So hilarious! My favorite part was where he binge-watched Netflix for a night and suddenly knew current slang. “Lit A. F.!!” The best.
I’ve heard the Christmas Prince ones are just as bad-good and I keep seeing the trailer for the Royal Baby one so I’ll probably watch all three this weekend. Ha.
Senior Attorney
Right? I am 100% certain that anybody traveling here from the 14th century wouldn’t be able to understand our modern English at all, and vice versa! Hi. lar. i. ous.
lsw
We were totally entertained by this movie as well. In the last scene some extra in the background says, “Ah, Christmas sweethearts!” and we say that to each other minimum once a day. Also, “bejabbers.”
Vienna airport shopping?
Since y’all are so great with gift suggestions & travel – I will have approx 2 hours in the Vienna airport during a layover on Dec 23 to go shopping and I’d like to get something nice and/or unique for my mom (late 50s). My budget is about $50USD. She just bought herself an Instapot, so I don’t know what I should get her! She’s never been to Europe.
Anon
I don’t know if the airport will carry these, but I’ve always wanted an Austrian Christmas egg ornament.
EM84
If I remember correctly, Vienna airport shopping is nothing to write home about. I would pick up a few local specialties, such as Mozart choco balls and alcohol, they may have some nice cookie cutters, spices for warm wine, they may have some seasonal wool items, and a cow bell (for good luck). But take it with a grain of salt, as I lived in a country nearby, so I may not find it unique/special enough.
Senior Attorney
Mozartkugeln! Yum!
Anonymous
For the employment lawyers out there, how much is a complainant entitled to know during an HR investigation? I have been asking HR for status related to a harassment complaint and I’m getting vague reassurances that the investigation is ongoing but no real detail. I have a meeting scheduled for tomorrow with the HR person and I want to be prepared to ask specific questions like whether outside counsel is involved, what is the planned timeline for completion, etc., but I’m actually not sure what I’m entitled to know vs. what facts are not supposed to be shared with the complainants.
Anon
Right now you’re just an employee making an internal complaint. Unless you’ve gotten an outside agency involved (ex. EEOC) you’re limited to whatever HR wants to tell you or company policy. If you want more answers, you need to get a lawyer.
Anonymous
Nothing
Lots to Learn
You’re not *entitled* to know anything. They will likely tell you when the investigation is complete and whether your complaint was substantiated, but they probably won’t tell you what actions they took against the offender. If they do substantiate the complaint, they will probably take some action against the harasser and would likely separate you or something similar and if you’re concerned you can ask for assurances for your own protection. But otherwise, probably not.
And by the way, just getting you a lawyer isn’t going to get you an answer to what happened. They won’t have any duty to tell the lawyer, either. However, if you end up filing an EEOC charge or a lawsuit, you’ll likely find out.
Anonymous
not entitled to know anything. you should get a notification that they investigation has been completed, the conclusions and (possibly) next steps. as an employment lawyer, these investigations always take longer than everyone would like. getting your own lawyer will not really help expedite things nor get your more information. my fave thing is telling plaintiffs lawyers they have no standing. the only way that filing an eeoc charge or lawsuit will get your more information will be if the company provides a positions statement/answer but that would likely be months away.
anon
I’m getting divorced. It was not my choice. I’m having all of the normal emotional feelings and am trying to balance that with the practical concerns. Alimony? Selling our (recently bought) home? How to handle that this will drastically reduce my income and eliminate the possibility of a family in the near future? Early 30s so this is obviously a huge shift in how I expected the rest of my life to go. I’ve been living the lower COL suburb life in a beautiful house I love, and am now looking at HCOL city living again. Help? Advice, commiseration, things I should be thinking about?
Anon
No advice but all the hugs.
Anon
Your lawyer will guide you through all this, we can’t help you on a practical level. But I’m sure there are plenty here who can give great emotional support.
Anonymous
A good lawyer and not catastrophizing. And probably a therapist too. Hugs.
Anonymous
All the hugs and so glad this happened before you had kids rather than after. You’d be stuck single parenting and tied to him for the next 18 years. Now you can move on and start fresh. early 30s is plenty of time to find someone. Many guys in their mid-30s are looking to settle down with someone slightly younger so the biological clock isn’t ticking quite so loud at late thirties. You have time. You’ll get through this.
Poppies
Ha, not the OP but as a late 30s mom currently going through a divorce, that was a super great comment to read.
Anon
I think Anonymous was trying to be supportive, but that comment grates on several levels.
Poppies, my best to you.
Anon
Hugs.
Advice: do not get ahead of yourself. Hire an attorney, and do not get ahead of yourself. Do not worry about selling the home: homes get sold in divorces when people need the equity in the home to divide up, or neither party can carry the mortgage on their own.
As for moving from your area to a city, why? Just find an apartment and keep your job.
Beans
I am sorry. This happened to me too last year around this time. I also did not want to get a divorce. I immediately found a good therapist who has helped me tremendously. Find a good lawyer. Your divorce may be amicable, but just in case, get a good one. Don’t agree to anything immediately (asset division, etc.). Take some time and really think about what works for you and what you want.
Try to eat well and get some exercise. Rely on your friends. Cry as much as you want or need to. Buy yourself some flowers or a special gift. This sucks so, so much but it will slowly get easier.
Anon
I’m in my mid-thirties and just finalized my divorce (also not my choice). This may not be the life you pictured, but that doesn’t mean it’s not going to be a beautiful, fulfilling, wonderful life. If you’re in Atlanta, I’ll buy you a drink. You can do this.
Maudie Atkinson
Just chiming in to say that I am also in Atlanta, also went through this last year, and feel so many of those same things.
cbackson
I got divorced when I was 30. It was sudden, not my choice, and completely upended my world. The most important thing someone (on this site!) told me was this: You will feel better, and it will happen sooner than you think. This period is awful and feels like the end of the world, and it is a real loss with real grief. But better days will come, even though you have to go through awful times to get there. I’m now 39, engaged, and expecting my first child. My life is better than I ever could have imagined in those terrible days when it just felt like everything I wanted was over. You’ll get there too.
From a practical perspective, a few things to think about:
Would you be paying alimony, or receiving it? It’s worth considering and discussing with your lawyer whether getting alimony will be hard (i.e., will he fight you on it and are you in a state where it’s harder to get) and whether there’s enough financial benefit to you to make the emotional and financial cost of prolonging the divorce worth it. It really depends on your financial situation and how likely a court in your state would be to award alimony in your circumstances. The thought process is similar if you’d be paying it, tbh. I opted not to seek it because it was harder to get in my state and situation and I wanted the divorce over and the legal bills would have eaten up a lot of it – but I earned enough that I could get by without it.
What I did seek was a substantial payment from him toward refinancing our house, because the payments were otherwise hard for me to handle. If you want to stay in your house, discuss with your lawyer whether there’s a way to do that – but think hard about whether you can really afford it and whether you want to live with those memories.
Make sure you have a good handle on any aspects of family logistics that he handles. I paid our taxes but he paid our bills – you want all those account numbers, log-ins, etc. I hate to say this but I learned that my ex had not been paying bills and I was going to have to pay the arrears to get myself removed from accounts (we sorted that out so he paid). You want to start paying attention to anything that was previously his sole responsibility immediately.
One of the hardest things about the divorce was realizing that he was no longer acting in my best interests. You expect that in marriage, even if you’re not getting along well. My wake-up call was when we were talking about the divorce settlement – I really somehow still expected him to make suggestions that were fair. Then he gave me a proposal that was based on the assumption that I could pay 40% of my gross monthly income toward the mortgage on our house. Bear in mind that was before retirement contributions, taxes, and my student loan payments. That’s when I realized that he didn’t give a f*ck about what happened to me anymore. It was a tough moment.
You will make it through this. I promise. Your better future is out there, and you’ll get there even though it feels far away.
Anon
Omg cbackson I missed your update that you’re engaged and pregnant….CONGRATS! I hope this doesn’t sound creepy, but you’ve always been my favorite of all the regular commenters here for your direct but compassionate advice, and I’m so, so incredibly happy for you.
Anonymous
Same to all of this – congrats!
Vicky Austin
Yes! Congratulations!
cbackson
Ha, I have avoided announcement by just, like, sliiiiiiiding it in under the radar. Yes, lots has changed in the last 6 months or so, all for the good. Paradoxically, my decision to pursue being a single mother by choice indirectly kicked off the chain of circumstances that lead to all of it. Funny how life turns out…
Anonymous
Um, this sounds like a novel/memoir I want to read. Hint, hint…
Gail the Goldfish
Congrats!
January
This is quite the update! Congratulations!
Anonymous
What?!?!?!? You’re engaged and pregnant?
Anonymous
Congrats!! Come hang out with us on C-moms! :)
Patricia Gardiner
Congrats cbackson!!
Anon
“I’m now 39, engaged, and expecting my first child.”
Congratulations!!
Senior Attorney
This makes me so happy!!
Junior Associate
Wow, reading late but congrats!!!!
Anon
Hugs, of course.
Everyone is so quick to recommend a lawyer – if your situation isn’t complex and the divorce is reasonably amicable, I’d maybe recommend holding off for a moment, especially if he hasn’t lawyered up. That’s a big escalation.
I divorced a few years back (although I was the initiator) and the laws in my area were very straightforward – split everything you’ve acquired post-marriage 50/50 (which was everything). This also felt fair in our circumstances. So we added everything up, divided by two, and moved on. Alimony wasn’t a consideration because we were both earners and hadn’t taken any time out of the labour market to support the family unit. Unless that is the case in your situation, I can’t imagine there would be alimony….
Anon
She has legitimate practical questions about alimony and the division of assets. She absolutely should get a lawyer. If she knows she’ll struggle after the divorce, she needs to get all the assets rightly owed to her by law. You don’t know what state she’s in or her finances so assuming the situation would be the same as you is asinine and will only hurt her.
anon
OP here. We’re both lawyers (by trade, I’m no longer practicing), so while I have consulted one, we will may file on our own. While I don’t want the divorce, it is amicable in that he is basically asking what I want (he’s the much high earner) and will agree to it, then we will file the paperwork jointly. Thank you for all the advice (and internet hugs) – as a lawyer it’s easy to say, the law says X, but much harder to think rationally.
Anon
Also a lawyer who was blindsided by a divorce request in my early 30s shortly after we had relocated for his job. Hugs. All the hugs.
Ditto cbackson’s advice that you will get through this and more quickly than you think. I’m 38, remarried, and we’re just a few months away from completing an adoption. Once the initial shock wears off, it’s ok to feel all the emotions – for example, I felt really guilty when I realized I was kinda excited about getting to do single girl things again – pedicures, cute fluffy throw pillows, cold cereal for dinner. And since things are amicable now, let me also say it’s ok for things to be amicable. There’s a perception that divorce always has to be this bitter feud. My ex and I are great friends. His first child is due any day now and I am legitimately thrilled for him and his wife. All the hugs again.
Maudie Atkinson
I am a lawyer (though not a divorce lawyer), was married to a lawyer, and emphatically, I would tell you to not to forgo your own lawyer, and get someone in place sooner rather than later.
We filed uncontested after some very contentious negotiations around the settlement. I handled most of mine myself, but the beauty of having a lawyer was that it was someone else’s job to think rationally. Also, it was good for my mental state to know that it was someone else’s job to worry about/deal with it in the moments where it was too much for me. Knowing I could tap out was really helpful.
Also, echoing cbackson’s point above, my ex turned into an unrecognizable person pretty quickly after he told me he was leaving. I suspect he was hiding money, he was certainly burning through it very quickly, and he was definitely not acting in my best interest, despite a decade of being a very steadfast partner. It is my sincere prayer that does not happen for you, but having your own lawyer is a good insurance policy if it does.
Anonymous
This. You need a lawyer, even if you practice divorce law. It’s crazy to represent yourself in something that is inherently so emotional.
Anonymous
Yes. Because he’s agreeing to what you want…for now. It is not/not guaranteed that his outlook will stay the same. I saw one divorcing spouse whose guilt disappeared the moment they got their first post-separation credit card bill. Things can change quickly.
How Long
Oof. I have been exactly in your position. My ex husband left me very suddenly with no warning when I was 34 after 12 years of marriage. When you’re in that position, you have to deal with the logistics while dealing with the fact that something you thought of as foundational has been torn away. My divorce was 2 years ago, and there were many days when I just had to think about the next minute to get through it. Literally stuff like this when I was going to work, “Ok, I just have to put on my shoes.” Rest. “I just have to get my keys off the table.” Rest. “I just have to go to the car.”
I promise it gets better. It is so hard, but it will absolutely get better in ways you can’t even anticipate. I kept the beautiful dream house. A year later, I sold it (which I thought I’d never do) and moved to a completely different area of the city, and am happier than I imagined being there. I still have hard days, but they are rare now and tied to expected things, like when he got married to his affair partner or big anniversaries.
My two biggest suggestions. Are: (1) therapy is invaluable, and (2) lean on your friends and family. I have a hard time asking for help, but I had to realize that if one of my friends was going through the same thing, I would LOVE to help them and would be there in a heartbeat. Even something like my best friend telling me in advance to list her as my emergency contact was helpful.
Sending good thoughts your way.
Senior Attorney
Big hugs to you!
When I was going through my divorce I just kept telling myself “I’m just going to have to feel awful until I don’t feel awful any more,” and “this time next year things will be much better,” and “the only way out is through.” And all those things turned out to be true.
And now it’s five years later and I have a new husband and a new life that is more wonderful than I ever could have dreamed of. Better days are coming for you, too!
anonandon
I know it’s late and I’m a bit younger than you but if you’re in the DC area I would love to buy you a drink/cup of coffee/slice of cake!
WIBTA?
Gift for my (not good) assistant or not? Her last day is tomorrow, and she gave us the bare minimum of notice (it is much more standard in our practice to give longer time to allow for finding a replacement, cross-training, etc).
I had planned to give her a gift card on 12/20. Because of scheduling quirks at my two sites, I have not seen her since the day she gave us notice, and would not see her tomorrow (her last day) unless I make a special effort (visit a site I ordinarily would not tomorrow). She supports me and 2 others. She has not been great, but is better than the substitute I will have as we search for a replacement.
Am I being petty not wanting to inconvenience myself since I am annoyed at the short (but legal) notice?
Thank you.
anon
I’d give her a gift card for whatever the low end in your office/ industry is, and make an effort to get it to her. You’re right to be annoyed, but I think you have more to gain by following professional norms even if she didn’t.
Anon
Nah, if she’s leaving, you won’t see her, and she won’t be there over Christmas, I don’t think you should get her a present.
Senior Attorney
Nah, just let it go.
Irish Midori
Is she going to another employer in your industry? My first impulse is to just let it go and not get anything, but think about whether burning a bridge could cause some regret when she shows up in an email as industry colleague’s assistant. I’ve had more than one former employee crop up on opposing counsel’s email signature, and it’s always nice when we’ve parted on good terms–means you have someone nice to deal with on the other side.
Anon
Send an electronic gift card to her email today and wish her well.
Anonymous
Under the Desk Exercise Machines – I’ve been thinking about buying an under-desk bike or elliptical based on recommendations here, but I just saw this weird lateral trainer that’s $199. (I’m not affiliated with the company at all.) What are the other products that people love — do you find that you can do them slowly while working? Only during certain tasks?
https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/the-scoop-torch-fat-and-tone-legs-at-home
(this is some guy’s affiliate link but gets you to the $199 deal)
https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/the-scoop-torch-fat-and-tone-legs-at-home?secret_perk_token=ff0f2600&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=Social+Adv&utm_campaign=fb-ad-black-friday&utm_term=1003&fbclid=IwAR21yz6cOloG14IOhZ8Phkdo-6u8q9cniOheyogn7BBs5wxCrf2UrFPH7rU#/
Anon
I have one and I’d say measure the item well for how high your knees will go because I found that my knees hitting the underside of my desk easily deterred me from using it.
No Problem
So I have one of those under desk bikes and never use it. My main complaints are that my knees hit the underside of my desk and my chair starts to slowly roll backwards as I use it, so I have to constantly pull myself forward again. From the video on the site, the woman’s knees are moving way above her waist. That means they would be hitting a desk if she were sitting under one. So maybe if you have a non-wheeled chair and don’t intend to use this while also using your computer/desk in any way whatsoever at the same time (so maybe just listening on a conference call or reading a book but not needing to write anything) this could work.
Anon
I recently created a new FB account to view pages with, use FB marketplace, etc., without “friending” anyone, and I was just locked out of it. They say that they need me to provide my mobile phone number. Prior to the lockout, my computer was running very slowly (for weeks) to the point where I could hardly browse online, and as soon as I was locked out, this completely stopped. It was like I was being surveilled during that time or something and they locked me out because they discovered I had another FB account I was using in a different browser. Is there anything I can do to get back into this new account without giving my mobile number? Will this happen with all new accounts I make until I delete the old one (I intended to do that, anyway)? I understand that FB is nefarious and I shouldn’t use it, but so many businesses and organizations are using this instead of a website to get their info out, and I feel like I have to have one.
Anonymous
This is bananas
pugsnbourbon
Facebook was not watching you. Maybe the NSA or the FBI (I don’t know your life), but not Facebook. Lots of people have more than one account, especially for businesses.
Anonymous
It probably wasn’t the NSA (there’s a pretty high bar to surveil US citizens, not insurmountable by any means but they don’t casually spy on people), it could be the FBI but also….
……
yeah.
CountC
Just make up a phone number or give your work line? I have a fake profile that I use for race stuff only and have no friends, etc. I used my work mobile. It really wasn’t a big deal.
Anon
I did just give it a fake number. Now, they say they’ve sent a code to that number that I have to use to get in. So…I basically sent a random stranger a code to get into this account. Good thing there is nothing on it.
Anon
Get a google number if it’s that important to you to maintain the barrier between Facebook and your real life. I’m not going to pass judgment on you if you think it is that important. I think Facebook is pretty sketchy, although I definitely also use it and Instagram.
Anon
Eyeroll
kk
your whole computer was running slowly? or just the browser that you’d used FB on?
did you download anything?
Anon
It was just the browser. It was ridiculously slow ALL THE TIME and would not let up for a couple of weeks. I could barely do anything. Usually when that happens, it eventually lets up because it was due to some software updates or something. I am online daily, so there was plenty of time for this to be completed. The second the account was locked down earlier this week, it all stopped, and everything has been smooth sailing ever since. I know they don’t like people to have accounts with fake names or whatnot, so I’m thinking there is a connection.
I actually have logged into FB on another family member’s computer, logged out, cleared cookies…and then, I started getting ads on my computer for stuff they were looking at for weeks when I returned to my computer. Car and construction related stuff…
Anonymous
Lol that’s not how any of this works
Anon
Apparently it is how it works when you open an account with no friends added and it is somehow flagged as suspect.
Anonymous
just put your phone inside a tinfoil hat and fb will know you’re on to them and they’ll unlock your account.
your computer may very well be loaded with malware but it’s not because the nefarious Facebook decided you have an alternate account and they don’t like it. this rises to the level of paranoia.
Anon
Maybe you should do some reading about current events or other subjects outside of what’s new with the sjw folks today. Click on some of the OTHER articles in the NYT. Then perhaps you would know what I’m talking about. So one-dimensional many of you are…
Anonymous
you’re right, I must have missed the Breitbart article on how this happens.
(If you truly believe this is happening, I’d kindly urge you to consider seeking mental help for your anxiety/paranoia.)
Anonymous
Of course Facebook and other big tech companies track you via cookies, including cookies that track anything else open in your browser. Most of it is for commercial purposes. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised however if Facebook was under pressure to address disinformation on the platform and therefore its algorithms are flagging new, no-activity accounts as suspicious.
JS
What would you/do you steal in white elephants or gift exchanges? I’m stumped for one that is all women, and the price limit is $25. I’ve come up with a fun serving platter or some kind or a candle.
Another anon
Lottery tickets.
Anon
The things that went over really well in the most recent white elephant: wine, and, separately, a foot bath with bubble bath/fancy soap.
Patricia Gardiner
Depends on if it’s supposed to be funny or nice! Alcohol, lottery tickets, and chocolate have been popular for stealing. Great funny ones I have seen in the past: a twerking stuffed dog, a Sharknado gift set, bizarre flavored vodkas, nsfw gear…
JS
Unfortunately not funny! People get actually annoyed at the funny gifts
Senior Attorney
Christmas stuff is good — ornaments, dish towels, serving pieces. And the most popular thing I ever brought to one of these was a set of five tiny perfume samples.
rosie
I would really hate getting stuck with something Christmas-related as a person who does not observe or celebrate Christmas. It’s one thing to get crap I don’t want in these exchanges, it’s another thing to get othering stuff.
Senior Attorney
I am presuming this is a CHRISTMAS gift exchange. But good point. Obviously not Christmas stuff for a mixed celebrating-and-not crowd.
Anne
Wine if people drink. Chocolate if they don’t.
Anon
At my government holiday party, these were the most “stolen”: set of 4 “etched”/”crystal” glasses, a throw blanket, and a coffee mug with a *bux gift card.
Irish Midori
I just got this RBG I Dissent board game that I’m taking to my law office party. I hope others find the concept as funny as I do: https://www.target.com/p/rbg—i-dissent-board-game/-/A-76151604
Anon
Blanket, bath stuff, wine/chocolate, lotto tickets
Anonymous
5 boxes of girl scout cookies. Or, 2 boxes of cookies and a $15 bottle of wine.
Senior Attorney
A propos of a recent post here, I was thinking about a set of champagne coupes for my upcoming gift exchange party.
Anon
Agree with the wine plus some lottery tickets.
Anonymous
I’m late to this but I have so many ideas. The Totes clear plastic umbrella (my holy grail umbrella), the game Kubb, the game Scrawl, lottery tickets with either wine or a delicious treat (chocolate, bakery cookies, etc), a mug with a gift card to a local coffee place, a mug and a David’s tea sampler pack, a $20 Netflix/Hulu/Disney+ gift card and a box of microwave popcorn. You mentioned it is all women – depending on the group, I would consider a Sephora gift set (they have a bunch under $25).
Anon
The yeti coffee mug.
Poppies
Funny timing, someone hopped out of an Uber in front of me this morning wearing the posted shirt. Thought it looked great on her, and now I know where to find it, lol. I love it when I spot these pieces in the wild…
Anonymous
I asked by husband for nice pajamas for Christmas and am trying to provide him some guidance. I had mentioned Eberjey because I hear they’re nice, but apparently they are only supposed to be hand washed — is that for real? Any other recommendations for somewhat luxurious pjs? Key feature is also pockets in the pants!
Anon
Soma is the big pajama brand, right?
Anon
You can start by guiding him on the material. Do you want flannel style, plushy, or silky/satiny?
Small Law Partner
If you like modal cotton, Natori. You didn’t mention robes, but the L.L. Bean Winter Fleece robe is amazing and soft and warm (got the rec from wirecutter). I like to do lighter cotton PJs with the warm robe.