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Updated: Oct 14, 2021 103 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Padded Signaux Bag

Coffee Break

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If you're carrying a bag with you regularly right now, what kind of bag are you carrying?

I still tend to reach for my crossbody if I'm running errands, or a clutch if it's a rare night out. (I was JUST pondering whether I needed the belt bag from Rothy's.)

But this classic shoulder bag from Prada caught my eye recently — I love the zippers, that sumptuous leather, and the slightly unusual color. Farfetch has it in a stunning jacquard as well. It's $2,800.

Looking for something similar but more affordable? Rebecca Minkoff has a number of bags in a pretty purple color for under $430.

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Comments

  1. Anonymous

    I just bought a Polene No. 1. It’s kind of big, but it holds enough to carry it for the whole day and the structured shape feels current.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I’d not heard of that brand and wow, those bags are pretty! I get a Celine vibe from them.

    • emeralds

      OMG I’m obsessed, pugsnbourbon is absolutely correct on the Celine vibes.

    • Anonymous

      I have a Polene No. 1 Mini and it is GORGEOUS. got it before pandemic so it’s mostly collecting dust…but still gorgeous.

  2. Anon

    Currently, using pockets, xbody smaller leather bag when fancy, also fanny pack worn xbody when not fancy

    • Cat

      Same. Pockets for most errands. When wearing an outfit without good pockets, basically a phone-size crossbody.

  3. Anon

    Just dumped a bunch of clothes at my city’s “fancy” goodwill store (thanks for the advice to avoid ThreadUp). Reminder to self: Poshmark and Ebay are expensive ways to try on clothes that you can’t return. Next time, do the thing: go to a store and try things on.

    • Senior Attorney

      I was returning a bunch of stuff in the store over the weekend (to avoid return shipping fees) and realized that shopping in stores is better for a variety of reasons including the above, the whole “they don’t re-sell the returned things, they just trash them” thing, and also just that it’s good to be in the stores and actually SEE what’s out there and how it’s styled. I am going to do my best to shop in person, too, going forward.

      • Anonymous

        I hate shopping online and returning and I want to do this too but it’s frustrating how limited the stock can be in stores. The other day I went to Nordstrom with a gift card burning a hole in my pocket, fully intending to buy a pair of black jeans and was so frustrated to find almost nothing in my size (10 or 12).

        • Senior Attorney

          It is! I had the same experience last month when looking for a party dress — there was literally NOTHING in any store in town. I ended up wearing something I already had.

  4. Anon

    Ugh. For years, I cobbled my BigLaw life into Mom hours (most work pushed b/w 7am and 4pm; nothing involving calls after that due to household / kid chaos; WFH in the evening as needed). No volunteering for work, just work for my existing clients. Now we are so leanly staffed that I am getting brought into work on Asia time (8, 9, 10 pm calls), with very few junior people skilled enough to throw work to. This is where I hate the inefficiencies of BigLaw — you do not need 3 timekeepers on every call. Call the specialist when you need the specialist but no need to have a specialist on every call in case something comes up. So I say no, but I’d rather have a good junior helper and to call me the next morning (or give me a head’s up if you truly need me). I can flex a bit, but same-day notice for something not needed is no bueno.

    • Cat

      as a client, sometimes you want to be able to make decisions at the meeting, rather than follow-up in the morning — so tread cautiously pushing juniors who are “good enough” to generally understand the issue to escalate to you, as that might not work in all cases.

      I think it would be perfectly fair and efficient, however, to ask if someone could ping you when it gets to your topic, rather than sitting on a 2 hour call waiting for your 15 mins of substance.

      • Anon

        I totally get that. The family witching hour these days is like 6-9 with anything before being dinner rush and did the school bus go awry. Kids are independent but needy, so you *could* be on the call, but they really also need a parent for a lot still (and on the fly also, they are like clients, too, but with fewer choices of who to loop in, like clients, they default to quality). I need to clone myself, truly.

      • Anonymous

        I think she’s saying there MIGHT be 15 minutes of substance, not that she will for sure need to be on the call for any amount of time. So 9 times out of 10 she’s sitting on these calls for no reason. It’s frustrating to waste so much of your time over Justin.

        I don’t have any real advice OP, I try like heck to avoid working for clients located in vastly different time zones for exactly this reason. The staffing issues are industry wide rn and I don’t see it getting better until we can train up the new associates.

        • Cat

          well, if the client wants you on and is paying for it…. frustrating but kind of part of the Biglaw deal. Can you at least free yourself from your desk in those circumstances? I would 100% be listening but doing mindless chores on mute – cleaning up the kitchen, folding laundry, lunch prep, whatever.

          • No Face

            I do this on calls where I am primarily listening. Mute and do other things until I become actually relevant. Great time for painting my nails.

  5. Anonymous

    Jumping off the budget topic from yesterday – how old were you, or what stage of life were you at, when you started tracking your funds or budgeting? Or if you did but now do not – was it because you hit a net worth point, or because you’re OK with general knowledge?

    • test run

      I started using mint when I was 21/22 (I’m 34 now) – I was at my first salaried job out of college in a VHCOL city trying to stretch my relatively meager paycheck. I still use it now, which is fun because I have 10+ years of data on my spending all in one place, but I no longer have such a detailed budget (I used to have categories like “work lunch,” or “taxis,”) – my categories are much larger now (“food,” including groceries and dining out, all utilities lumped together, etc.) that I’m not pinching pennies as much and I’m more focused on my total spend each month.

    • Anon

      When my partner and I were students, I didn’t budget because I couldn’t take the thought of either tracking or cutting expenses any more than I was doing perforce to get by. I haven’t budgeted since then because for me, not having to budget is a significant reward of spending beneath our means.

      But now that we are mulling over some bigger expenses (traveling more? finally getting that second bathroom?), and I am realizing that if I want to do these things and “spend within my means” instead of being cheap all the time, I will really need to budget. But for me it still feels like a stressful thing that I associate with barely getting by and being anxious about finances all of the time, so I’m struggling with making myself do it.

      • Anon

        Honestly, making a strict budget has helped me in this area. I tend to be cheap and have a lot of anxiety around spending money. But joining the YNAB cult helped me realize that I can afford certain things and I don’t need to worry that I’m going to be homeless if I buy a nice candle today.

        For the question— I started using YNAB about 3 years ago because I changed jobs and took a large pay cut. I no longer fiddle with it every day, but I can’t imagine abandoning it. My categories have gotten much looser now that I’m making more money, though.

        • Anon

          My obstacle right now is that I have had no anxiety around money at all while being cheap and not budgeting. So I’ve felt very free from financial anxiety and don’t miss it.

          But I guess that just means the anxiety is attached to the things I’m not doing (budgeting, spending more money), so I’m not feeling it. Most of the time, I would rather just not buy the candle than have to budget, but unfortunately that’s not realistic with bigger expenses.

        • Curious

          I joined the YNAB cult in August for similar reasons (hello, budgeting for childcare and still wanting to be able to buy postpartum clothes and know how much I can spend) and it’s been awesome. Extra bonus that because it prompts me to categorize every expense, it found fraud in our debit card before it got big.

    • Anonymous

      2013. I was 30. We just had our first kid and it felt like we were poor/bleeding money despite having two decent incomes. It really helped watch things like our retirement accounts grow and debt shrink over time despite our bank account staying fairly flat.

      Fast forward 8 (!!) years and I have a spreadsheet that tracks us from going from a net worth of $180k in 2013 to a net worth of 1.8M, despite layoffs, career changes/pauses, and two more kids.

    • Senior Attorney

      I started on January 1, 2000, at which time my then-husband and I were in six figures of tax, credit card, and student loan debt. We paid it off in 26 months and I never looked back — have been tracking for more than 20 years now. My therapist used to say it was a great way to control my anxiety, and my husband says it’s my favorite computer game. (His favorite computer game is his wine inventory program.) I use MS Money which isn’t supported by Microsoft any more but is still downloadable from their site.

      One of the things I love is that over time my financial records are like a diary of my life — I can pull up the reports and find out when something happened, or what vendor we used for a certain thing, and all kinds of other fun life details.

      • Senior Attorney

        And… cannot imagine why this is in mod. Anyway I’ve been doing it for more than 20 years.

      • Ellen

        I have been out of law school for over 10 years and my dad has monitored all of my finances and paid all of my bills out of my bank account. He also invests my funds through Ed, my brother in law, who works at Merill Lynch.

    • H13

      I have been tracking in a spreadsheet format for about 13 years. I have money insecurity issues despite always having had more than enough. Tracking in a simple way has enabled me to see that I can afford to do things like take a trip or splurge on a gift for someone (and also fully fund my 403b) because I can see the numbers right there. I also like data and I love being able to see how much I spent in a category from year to year. I also track joint spending from an account I share with my husband that covers bills/kid stuff. We each contribute to that account monthly and maintain separate accounts as well. That set up has also helped free me of anxiety about his spending vs. mine/ours.

  6. Anonymous

    My comment this morning was stuck in moderation and I don’t think anyone saw it; tldr I’m a junior partner and I got a talking-to about being “responsive” while I was out of the office for a step-parent’s funeral. I responded to my partners in under 15 minutes from the time they contacted me. I did not respond to another partner’s client regarding a new matter; the partner was included on the email from the client and I had already told partner I would be unavailable due to a death in the family, plus my OOO was on. Partner never attempted to contact me about the new matter, he went directly to the head of my office to lie that I wasn’t responsive and he didn’t know why. That partner only ever sends me work for a practice area I barely ever do anymore and have been thinking about cutting completely; I do maybe 10 hours a year with the guy. I want a graceful way to exit that practice area and avoid that partner. Advice on how to manage this?

    • Anon

      What kind of partnership dynamic is happening here? Is Adam equity and you’re not? Is he a peer? If a peer, I’d have the uncomfortable WTF conversation with him directly. If a power partner, I’d make nice w the ones you want to work with going forward. I’d also let it be loudly known that your dad just died (I’m sorry) and how upsetting that is. Get the firm gossip to spread the loss/call for sensitivity (B/C WTF Adam).

    • Cat

      I think if you solve issue #1, the second (problem partner) will disappear right? (If he only comes to you for that practice area.)

      I went and read your longer post. Can you just talk to your Practice Group Boss Guy about dropping that practice area? “Boss Guy, the interaction with Jerk reminded me that I wanted to have a broader conversation about Practice Area. I’ve found focusing on Other Stuff to keep me busy and profitable, and have been referring questions to partners Y and Z, who have Practice Area covered. Do you have any concerns with me stepping back there?”

    • Anon

      Equity partner here (but I wasn’t always and I will have clients, so I’m at some people’s beck and call). A person who sends you 10 hours of a work a year is a bridge you have my permission to burn. But your reputation internally matters. I’d also have a talk with my office head re big picture (a person who keeps a roof over my head regularly often needs me but does not mean to ruin my life during a funeral; a person who has 10 hours of work a year never gets that privilege again especially when he has thrown a fit when in the wrong here) and also show him/her your CYA e-mails to Problematic Partner.

  7. Carla

    Kate spade crossbody. I never remember that I like this brand, but every time I look for purses its at the intersection of how much I’m willing to pay for an every day bag (they get beat up) X how it looks. So todays pick is not for me!

  8. Anon

    I was confused by the comments from yesterday about collaborative vs. siloed firms. I work at a firm with no origination credit. Everyone gets paid based roughly on how much you bring in through your own personal billings. Isn’t that was “eat what you kill” means? To me, it makes it more collaborative actually because every client is a firm client and no one is incentivized to keep control over certain clients’ work.

    • Cat

      No, that’s kind of the oppos-te of “eat what you kill” as I understand it? The “kill” is the client, not the billable hour.

      At a firm where people don’t want to work on others’ clients and focus only on their own, it’s because the financial reward for helping out someone else’s “kill” is low compared to what you keep of time you bill on “your” client.

      Your firm has a methodology that’s on the extreme end of “client-agnostic” — this makes workhorse partners happy, but can frustrate the rainmakers who are great at client dev (and the firm as a whole might benefit from them spending lots of time on that rather than billable work).

    • Anon

      Huh, that’s an interesting way to do it because there’s no real incentive for business development. How does your firm attract new clients?

    • Anon

      No. If I keep my self busy, that is great. If I keep myself and Tim busy, that is greater. Tim being busy is great, but without me, Tim isn’t busy at all. That is how the sausage factory really works. Without Tim, I’d find Sarah. But without me, Tim is in trouble.

    • Anonymous

      Interesting, how is realization rate factored in? Who decides on discounts? Part of the issue with being a workhorse vs rainmaker is that the rainmakers control the bill, so they have the power to discount your time to make their own client happy. Maybe the firm will give them some pushback, but not always.

    • Anonymous

      So my firm describes itself as eat what you kill in the sense that you get paid by the hours you bill. That said, it’s deceptive. You get paid what’s called your “firm rate”, but if you didn’t originate the client, you do not necessarily keep the rate you bill the client. Here’s an example:

      John (real estate lawyer) brings in Company X for a real estate deal. Company X asks John an employment issue. John asks Paul to help. Paul and John negotiate John’s cut. Paul bills the client $100 at $20/hour. Paul’s firm rate is $10/hour. Depending on the internal negotiation, Paul might keep $20/hour, $10/hr (John gets the other $10), or another amount. Common at my firm is a 50/50 split on the “extra” so Paul keeps $15 and John keeps $5.

      Of course, these amounts are then subject to the firms overall cut for things like overhead – usually 40-55% depending on profitability that year.

      Many firms have a set rate for origination credit (20% max but could be negotiated to less, 10% of collections for up to five years, 15% for life of the file, etc.). This can swing wildly especially if someone happens to bring in a plaintiffs case that gets a big recovery. People tend to fight about origination credit at every eat what you kill firm I’ve been in (this is #3 for me).

  9. Chelsea

    I know the commenters post about it often but my search skills are failing me. Recs for waterproof Chelsea boots with a flat/low heel please?

  10. Anonymous

    For those who dealt with infertility, how did you decide what to do? I either need to pursue donor eggs, adoption or remain child free. All of these options are so different, and all of my friends have children who are genetically related to them, so I don’t really have any models for what they look like.

    If you pursued any of these options, I’d be interested in your experience and how you made the decision. Posting here instead of the mom’s board because remaining child free is very much on the table.

    • Anon

      What do you want?

      The ads for donor eggs mean that people use them, but I have only ever run into one person who is frank that she used them (after several m/cs when she was able to get pregnant in her mid-40s but couldn’t carry to term). People use donors for the male part, too, but I feel like they pick to get someone similar looking to dad (and that is very cheap vs eggs).

      I know one couple do took a donor embryo (and is very frank, the child is of a different racial background, so people often think that they adopted her vs gestated her).

      But if you don’t feel drawn to heroic measures that may be very emotionally fraught, you can absolutely step back and I get that (I had kids older and had 2 but lost 2 others; I’d have loved more children but not at the costs of more losses).

      • Anon

        There’s so much riding in the “what do you want” question. I’m sure you’ve done envisioning your life with and without kids?

        For me, after we got our test results back that said we were healthy and they had no idea why it hadn’t worked for us, but just sign here and plunk down $17k and we’ll get ya started on IVF, my inner self immediately shied away. It is completely, 110% ok to not want to do “emotionally fraught heroic measures.” Completely ok. It really struck me how much I wasn’t up for IVF when the doctor and her nurses were so casual about, “Oh, we know we’ll be seeing you back here for all those hormone injections!” It was a foregone conclusion to them that a 36 year old well-to-do woman who sought them out for testing would pursue IVF. Nope, not me.

        So, we’re adopting. A set of siblings. From overseas. We go get them in three weeks. And yes I’m scared and elated and have moments when I wonder why I’m throwing away my delightfully placid life and have moments when I’m positive it’s the best thing I’ll ever do. Pretty sure that’s how anyone feels when they have a child.

        Happy to talk adoption if you’d like to chat more.

    • Anon for this

      We decided to be child free – unexplained infertility. While children had always been in our “someday we’d like them” plans, neither of us ever got “baby fever” as we’d thought we would. So when they didn’t just happen naturally, neither of us was particularly excited or desperate to start IVF.

    • No Face

      There are women who only post on the moms board, so you are missing out on people who might have one of these experiences.

    • Anonymous

      No answer (yet), but commiseration. My husband and I are currently in the process of deciding whether to use donor sperm, adopt or remain child free. We have been open about our struggles, but I find it difficult to discuss our options with anyone other than my therapist and my husband, primarily because we are seriously considering remaining child free. Others tend to not perceive that as a valid choice.

      • Anon for this

        I commented above but agree with you about society’s views – it seems that the only “valid” way to be childfree is to exhaust your options first.

        But, at what price?

        • Anon

          I’m so sorry both of you have faced this. Whether you’re childfree by initial choice or as a result of other paths not working out, it’s really no one’s business and certainly not for them to comment on! One of my work colleagues had nine miscarriages in a row and everyone seemed to have something to say about her “aging out” of being a mom (and her husband complained that she wasn’t available for s3x often enough because she was bleeding all the time, yes they got divorced)

        • Anon

          We ran into this during our fertility problems. We did not really want to do multiple rounds of IVF. We did not really want to adopt. But there seemed to be this idea that we needed to exhaust every option – go through IVF and have it fail, go through a failed adoption or two, etc. – if we wanted any decision to stay child-free to be “legitimate.”

          OP, one thing I lost sight of when we were going through treatment is that you actually can quit any time. It is really easy to get caught up in the whole progression of fertility treatment, meds to IUI to IVF, to then donor/egg embryo or surrogacy, etc. I think there are societal expectations that once you’re on the fertility train, you stay on it until there’s a baby, even if you have to move heaven and earth and do a whole bunch of stuff you don’t want to do to make that baby happen. But actually you can say “I am stopping this” any time you want to, and you don’t owe an explanation to anyone about why you’re quitting.

        • Anon

          This is definitely something I don’t talk about with anyone. It’s strange because I don’t feel entitled to the sympathy that goes to people whose infertility persisted despite trying everything, but there’s also a sort of pang that comes with being childfree when that wasn’t always the plan.

          • Anon

            Same here! I have PCOS but was unable to conceive with IUI. My ex and I really did want children, but I knew I couldn’t handle the infertility roller coaster so I would not agree to pursue more invasive options. We were both open to adoption and were researching that when the marriage fell apart. I am now 39, so I could still have a child somehow if I wanted, but I don’t want a child badly enough to pursue any paths on my own.

            I am mostly glad that I don’t have kids, but I do still get a pang of something— not regret exactly— slight jealousy? When my friends have especially joyful parenting moments.

            Basically, this whole question is complicated. I mostly feel relief because I was always 60/40 at best in favor of wanting kids, and I do think that it’s a good decision to forgo parenthood if you’re not sure.

    • Anonymous

      This is anecdotal and may be based on how I cultivate my friend group, but I have never had anyone in their 40s/50s without children express to me regret about that, but I have certainly heard the opposite, including a unanimous sentiment from the fathers at a gathering I was at just last night (all of whom deeply love the children they have).

      • Anon

        All of these fathers said they’d rather not have had kids, despite the fact that they have them and deeply love them? That sucks!!

        FWIW neither my husband nor I regret having kids (ours are young adults now and we got lucky with a couple of good ones) but both of us think being childfree is the right choice for anyone even slightly on the fence about it, because it does (and should) become the center of your life. Anyone not sure about that shift should absolutely not have a kid.

        • Anon

          I would have been OK had no children come as my husband already was a parent, which nicely meant that he wasn’t pressuring me for children. I would have been sad at missing some things in the way I see a friend and her spouse posting vacation pics from overseas (no trips during the school year like that for us) or other friends stepping back to a fun job b/c they can live on less b/c they don’t have college to fund and can still retire on time. It’s not that the grass is greener, but the grass is different. It is truly a gift if you could be happy either way. I think I could have done 1 round of IVF but that may have been it (for emotional and financial reasons). I know a couple that went through IVF, had two sets of twins in 2 years, and when one kid had significant special needs, the strain was too much and the marriage imploded. I wanted to see if I could have kids, but not at any price. I get though how “one more try” if you have eggs still is a strong push once you start down that road.

        • Anon

          Totally co-sign your last paragraph. A friend of mine who went through fertility treatment at the same time I did and ended up adopting and I have talked about this a lot. Parenting is hard. It is absolutely not for everyone. If people don’t feel like they really want to do it, they should just skip having kids, and that’s a completely valid choice. I know plenty of child-free people who have awesome lives, and no regrets whatsoever.

          I do have a friend who never had children and has regrets, and I sometimes have regrets about not having more than one child. But my regret is not so strong that I feel like my life is ruined because I didn’t have a second child, and my friend has said the feelings are similar for her, not having any. I sometimes feel like the conversation about “regrets” is mischaracterized. I have regrets about several things I’ve done or not done in my life, but it’s not like I feel like my life was ruined, or wasted, or not worth living because of those regrets. Regretting not having kids is, IMO, far preferable to regretting having them.

      • Anon

        Counterpoint: My friend group includes a number of women who desperately wanted children and did not have them for a variety of reasons ranging from infertility to not wanted to do it alone and not finding a partner to being morally opposed to abortion (for herself) while at the same time being a carrier for a pretty horrific disease. And all of them describe not being able to have kids as the single greatest loss in their lives. And not a single one of my friends with children has ever expressed regret over having them (although I do have a set who had “oops” twins when they thought they were done and will admit after a few drinks that was “not where we saw our lives going”; and I do not blame them. 5 is a LOT of kids.)

        Having said that: OP – Both adoption and conceiving via a donor egg are expensive and emotionally draining. If being a parent is not a priority for you, then deciding that you will be happier child free is absolutely, 100% a valid choice. But the only person who can make the decision is you.

    • Anon

      Mom through adoption here. I realized that experiencing parenthood was what mattered most to me, rather than a genetic connection. When I told my doctor that I was going to adopt, there was consternation but I read that as financial disappointment. There are fleeting moments where the absence of the genetic link is a negative (like no medical history for my kid), but most of the time, this is just my kid.

    • Anon

      How badly do you want kids? I wasn’t in your situation but DH and I agreed we wouldn’t pursue interventions like IVF and would remain child free if we couldn’t conceive “naturally.” I would have been open to adoption but he wasn’t and it wasn’t important enough to me to fight about. We have one biological child and adore her and definitely do not regret becoming parents, but I also know we would have had very fulfilling and happy lives without her. And the pandemic and climate change and the general state of the world has made me wonder if we brought a kid into a world where civilization is basically going to collapse in her lifetime, which is pretty scary. I would definitely have a lot less anxiety about the world going up in flames if I didn’t have a child.

      • Anon

        I have remained child free. I do have some regrets, but not enough that I wish my life was different. I don’t know what it would have been like with children. I do wonder whether I’ll feel differently in 20 years, but it didn’t happen for me and I have accepted that.

    • Anonanonanon

      Not your exact situation but we used donor sperm and IVF due to a condition my husband has. Nowhere as difficult as donor eggs, obviously. But for us being parents was important and was goal 1. We basically decided the steps we were willing to take and did them: 1) 3 IUIs with donor sperm (didn’t work), 2) IVF with donor sperm (worked), 3) adoption. At the time given my insurance coverage IVF actually was less daunting than adoption financially and emotionally (plus I had a bad work pro bono experience helping with an adoption that fell through that really scared me). Step 4 for us would’ve been child free probably. But only you guys can decide. All are valid options and not doing IUI or IVF is not giving up. When we got our diagnosis our RE was actually really good and matter of fact and said you can attempt interventions or adoption.

  11. Estelle

    Can I just vent for a second? My mom passed this year and I’ve been handling the entirety of my dad’s finances and household. My mom handled everything and he doesn’t even know who they bank with. My brother has taken a step back and said he doesn’t want to be bothered with this stuff so I need to stop asking him to pitch in. I’m been working on getting over this betrayal.

    For some reason the run around I get from banks or my dads insurance company or whatever just infuriates me. I’m normally a calm and respectful person, but when a simple task becomes complicated with multiple phone calls and long wait times I just want to lose it at people. I know it’s not that person’s fault and my rage is misdirected but it’s so hard. So far I’ve only sent one passive aggressive email even though I’ve wanted to yell at so many different people. I consider this a victory.

    I’m not sure what purpose this post serves but I just needed to get this out. Any good tips for how to handle feeling like you want to alternatively burn everything to the ground and/or run away and change your name?

    • Anon

      My husband ended up handling my mom’s finances as her trust POA when she was alive but in care, and then as her executor after she died. I hear you when you talk about the run-around because it is REAL. He was remarkably patient but it still stressed him out.

      I know my mom’s standard trust provided for expenses to be taken from her (modest) estate and my husband could have contracted a lot of his work to people at the eldercare office (attorney’s office with an administrative arm) to do some of it. I don’t know if your father’s funds would stretch that far, but it’s certainly something you could look into.

      Generally speaking, though, I do find the skill level lower with most “customer service” people I interact with lately – I think it’s just another symptom of the strange labor shortage we find ourselves in currently.

    • anon

      I am so sorry about your mom, first and foremost.

      I handled FIL’s estate a few years ago – extremely similar circumstances. MIL didn’t know her primary bank, didn’t know passwords, wasn’t even listed on any bank accounts other than as an authorized user. The estate was insolvent. MIL was 56, death was sudden/unexpected. Teeny tiny life insurance policy and she hadn’t worked in over 30 years. It was a hottttt mess.

      So, what I give you is my deepest, deepest sympathies, a back slap and a virtual “you got this.” Tackle one item at a time and take a break when you need to.

      I don’t think anyone can truly understand the impact of death on a family without having lived these kinds of estate settlement issues. I’m right now executor of my grandmother’s estate. She lived to 96 and had all ducks you could dream of in a row, and it’s still a giant PITA, but admittedly a cakewalk compared to my FIL. PSA: get your affairs in order. Do not leave this all to your family after you pass because you failed to deal with it now.

    • anon

      I’m sorry–you’re getting a triple whammy of handling estate logistics and eldercare while grieving. It’s really awful.

      I handled my parent’s estate and it was awful. Financial institutions acted badly in ways that unnecessarily cost me extra time and money. One violated various laws, but litigation would have just dragged things out more and cost more.

      I strongly recommend therapy/grief counseling because you’re doing all this while also dealing with grief, especially if your so busy dealing with logistics for your dad that you don’t actually have time to grieve.

      Also, if there’s anything you can outsource, do it.

    • Anon

      Oh, wow. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. The same thing happened with my parents— my mother had taken care of everything, and my father had no idea how to handle this stuff. It was awful. The only piece of practical advice I have is that I took a few days off work to handle logistics, and sat in the same room with him so he could talk briefly to the customer service people and give consent for me to handle whatever it was. He was very hard of hearing and so southern that he was incomprehensible to people outside our state, so they usually got tired of interacting with him after 10 seconds and readily accepted his verbal consent for me to handle. We ran into lots of problems, and this wasn’t helpful when I couldn’t be in the same room as him, but there were mercifully a few folks who it helped with.

      Elder care is so, so hard. Especially when you’re grieving and especially when you’ve got a brother who isn’t helping (mine similarly abdicated all responsibility!). Sending thoughts your way because it is rough.

    • Anonymous

      Been there, and still doing that. I think anger is an easier emotion to access than grief, so consider that when you find yourself getting irrationally angry. And get POAs in place for your Dad if you can while you are making changes.

      I’m still consolidating investment accounts after my Dad passed away last year. My Mom doesn’t really care about it, and luckily doesn’t have to

  12. Sunday Afternoon in NYC

    I will be in NY on Sunday afternoon (visiting from DC) by myself with time to kill. Looking for inspiration on ways to entertain myself, where to walk, etc. Would prefer to be outside and wander. TIA!

    • Anonymous

      I love walking the Lower East Side, Soho, the Meatpacking District, and the High Line.

    • Anonymous

      Is there something you are most interested in? Architecture? Nature? Water? Shops? Food? People watching?

    • Anon

      Wandering central park and maybe visiting the Metropolitan Museum of Art would be great.

      I also like to wander the shopping streets of midtown.

    • Anonymous

      I am a fan of crossing the Brooklyn Bridge then exploring the park and DUMBO. It combines a bit of everything.

    • NYCer

      I would do a long walk through Central Park, and then go to the Met or the Natural History Museum (the new Hall of Gems is beautiful).

    • Curious

      I love walking up broadway from Chelsea to 110, going to Riverside park, and then taking the subway back down.

  13. Digital piano recommendations?

    Need recommendations on digital pianos, for my kid (6) for Christmas. Which one do you have, how do you like it?
    Noone in the family is a piano player. I know we should get something with a realistic feel, i.e. weighted keys. Should we do 88 keys or less? Would be nice to also have different sounds (like brass, strings etc), and connectivity to headphones, iPad (Bluetooth or similar).

    For lessons, we’ll probably go with a teacher on Outschool recommended by a friend, but if you have any leads, I’ll take suggestions.

      • Curious

        I think I must still be in mod, but I linked the same one! Very satisfied as a pianist with 8 years of training and a subsequent 15 of fooling around.

    • Anon

      I just bought one for my college aged daughter. First and foremost, buy what you can get your hands on because the supply chain interruption has really affected electronics in general, and electronic keyboards specifically.

      If your child will be taking lessons, get the full 88 keys and go for one with a realistic piano feel. Yamaha is the best. Roland is up there too. I give a slight edge to Yamaha, as they also make full size pianos, and prolifically so – most practice upright pianos at music schools are Yamaha. The different sounds are fun but don’t matter. What you really want is the ability for your child to play using headphones and for the touch to feel similar to a real piano.

      We bought a Yamaha P125 but they make several models. I bought a bundle that included the stand, the music rest, a pedal, and a bench. You need all of these things so you will probably get the best deal with a bundle.

    • Anon NYer

      You should do 88 keys, weighed, and with a headphone jack. I got mine from a friend, but my 6 year old has been loving learning piano. Keep in mind that someone will need to sit with or just be on hand while kiddo is practicing to help them.

    • anon

      +1 for Yamaha. We’ve had 2, and they are by far the most realistic. My parents have a Casio (I think) and it’s just not great for mimicking a real piano.

  14. Coach Laura

    I may repost this in the morning but has anyone read the LeanIn.org/McKinsey report on Women in the Workplace? The main takeaway is that for all of the women who decided to or were forced to stay home during the pandemic, white collar women as a whole made strides. This is counter to the comments here and in the media that many women were taking steps back, and maybe it’s the anomalies that get the most attention. Certainly, if my kids had been in the early elementary school years and I had to home-school in addition to working full-time from home, I might have been one who had to step back, so I completely get why some women did take a temporary hiatus or permanent move out of the work force.

    The study also examined women growing as leaders and making more efforts at diversity, equity and inclusion and supporting their team-members, in contrast to men at the same level who didn’t have that commitment. However, the article summary mentions that white women are still failing to mentor and prevent discrimination or speak out against it.

    Comments?

    https://womenintheworkplace.com/ https://www.wsj.com/articles/womens-careers-pandemic-toll-11632520837?tesla=y

  15. Dr. The Original ...

    After a conversation with a pal and some recent posts, I thought I’d share a thought since a few of our gals seem to be going through similar situations.

    Sometimes an affair seems like a good thing with someone in a bad relationship because you are only with the person for moments not months at a time. Sometimes, after enough moments, it becomes clearer that the person isn’t a right fit not because of a marriage but because they are a mess separate from not being fully available to you. While you may need to process why you chose to have the affair and accept less than someone available, I think it’s also okay to be glad to have figured it out and gotten out before the affair became the spouse, before your finances or reputation or home or kids got entangled into something with someone who is a mess.

    I know we all struggle, I know we all can seek out what feels good, I also hope those in affairs right now begin to work on why they are accepting less and thinking about whether the person really is as great overall as they may seem for a moment here or there. May the women on either side of affairs get their heads and hearts figured out, may they get their happily ever afters, and may we all stop tolerating partial love from messy men.

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