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Oooh: This large nylon tote from Quince is new to me but is getting great reviews — and it's only $89. I like the leather trims (all recycled leather), as well as the external slip pockets and internal laptop sleeve. Perfect!
The bag is selling for $89.90 and currently comes in five colors: oxford blue (pictured), black, latte, olive, and a really pretty mulberry.
(It's one of our favorite interview bags for women, too!)
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Anon
What would you get a new boyfriend of 2 months for his birthday? I do want to get him something small. He’s in his early thirties, is house hunting (so probably no housewares as I’d save that for housewarming, he’s living with family right now and his personal housewares are packed up), has an outdoorsy job, likes to raise fish (like in a tank). I don’t cook well. He doesn’t drink much. Any ideas??
Anonymous
Something for the two of you to do together. An outdoorsy day hiking or similar, tickets to a National park? Natural History Museum and lunch? Basically something you’d think he’d enjoy, and that he’d enjoy sharing with you as a birthday treat.
Anonymous
I’d just take him out for dinner, maybe an event (concert?).
Anonymous
I got my now-husband dinner out when he had his birthday 2 months after we started dating (and then a whiskey tasting afterwards, which sounds like is not for you). but just plan a nice night out that you pay for!
pbj
How about a small cake? Homemade or store-bought.
Anonymous
If you know his style – a daily wear article of clothing – like a tie or a sweater? Otherwise tickets to some event in your area that you’d like to go to with him? If nothing else – a nice dessert to share on his birthday which you can buy at a nice bakery?
As someone who is in the wanting to buy a house limbo, I feel like I wouldn’t get items at all aside from a piece of clothing because he’s going to want to set up and decorate his own house how he wants it and without seeing his style in that area, you don’t know what will fit in or not.
Senior Attorney
I’d say take him to dinner or a concert (or comedy show or whatever he likes) and give him a funny card and call it a day.
Anon
I had a birthday shortly after starting to date my now husband, maybe the 2 month timeframe like yours. He took me to a winery where we had a little picnic, sort of, and he had a tiny birthday cake for me. It was super sweet and a fine birthday present. After the tasting, he bought a bottle of wine from the winery, and we shared that over the small picnic (which I recall as take-out sandwiches and the little cake.)
Years later he admitted he knew about the winery and the picnic table area from a prior date a different woman had taken him on haha! The husband I know today wouldn’t have come up with this on his own. I’m laughing now thinking about it.
Senior Attorney
That’s adorable! Good for him!
Anon
High quality socks for his outdoorsy job? Think, all wool with a lifetime warranty.
Anon
This triggered an idea for me! Going to get him a North Face cap constructed with 100% recycled materials (he’s into environmental stuff and wears hats). Thanks all!
Anon
Yay! Happy when my ideas are launching pads.
Candles
I was late seeing the post on the morning thread, but here are a couple of candle companies I like.
Antique Candle Co – there’s are a little closer to $40, but they come in high quality Mason jars and have great scents. Keep an eye out for sales.
Wax & Wool on Etsy. These are smaller 9 oz candles that are around $25.
Anonymous
I live Near & Native. A Maine company, and they have a refillable program
Anon
Keap candle from Brooklyn! I learned about it on here and I am now a candle of the month subscriber! They’re great.
Anon
Keap candle from Brooklyn! I learned about it on here and I am now a candle of the month subscriber! They’re great.
anon
I am a sucker for a good tote, so I will be looking at this!
OTOH, I liked the silk tops I bought from Quince. I haven’t tried the cashmere, though.
Anonymous
I have tried the cashmere. The cashmere hoodie pills a lot.
Anon88
I have the cashmere fisherman sweater and while I adore the cut, it pilled immediately. Like, after one wear
CK
My cashmere sweater does the same. The organic cotton knit jacket is wonderful though. Perfect for when I want to look professional but feel cozy. I have two and I’m trying to resist buying a third.
Anon
Their cotton fisherman sweater is so nice – I bought one for each of my adult daughters. I also have cotton sweatpants which are holding up nicely.
Anonymous
A Haiku about Quince (after many orders and almost as many returns)
Always remember
Each item is not quite right
Don’t be lured by price
Anonymous
Hah! That’s great! Just “not quite right” is spot on.
Quince seems to fall at the final small detail / finishing touch. Sleeve cuff just a half inch too tight, skirt hem a smidge too short, ugly buttons, hardware incongruous with purse design, etc.
Anon
Spot. On.
Anon
Spot. On.
Anon
Yep. Bought a cute grey silk top for a specific blazer and it bunches up at the top. Of course, I had already worn it and can’t return. Now waiting for a black cashmere sweater, hoping for a better experience.
VVex
Disappointing! Why no zipper top? This appears to be wide open–and after catching some idiot fishing around in my bag on public transportation, a zipper or flap is non-negotiable. The smaller zipper top tote doesn’t have a laptop sleeve. I’m very much in the market, but no tote seems quite right.
Anon
Can anyone recommend a powerful dehumidifier? I live in a humid area in the PNW and my humidity meter measures 66% even with my current dehumidifier running. I’ve had some mold around the window sills. I think I need to bring in the big guns.
In-House Anon
We ran two big LGs when we lived there — one in the finished area of our basement, and one in the unfinished storage area of the basement. They (each) pulled a couple gallons of water each week and seemed to keep the mold at bay.
Anon
You need to shop by moisture removal capacity. If you go to a page like Home Depot, they will let you filter on features like that to narrow down the results. If you examine your current dehumidifier you can tell what your current capacity is, so you of course want more than that, but you can also look up how to calculate the capacity size you need based on your room’s square footage. You’ll probably have to add a certain number based on living in a humid environment.
Anon
You just pointed out something I think I need but didn’t know. I’m in the inner Bay Area so the marine effect keeps everything well humidified here, but my bathroom never really gets dry between shower. There’s always mildew that I try to keep up with but when you said mold around the window sills, I felt a pang of recognition.
Do I need a dedicated dehumidifier in my bathroom. We have a normal exhaust fan, ducted to outside through the attic, and a window that I admit gets opened less often when it’s cold outside. Would a small dehumidifier fix this?
Anon
You could probably just buy some damp rid. Also make sure our fan is working properly.
Anon
I just looked up Damp Rid (I’m unfamiliar) and got this warning:
>This product does not meet California air cleaner regulation requirements, and cannot be shipped to California
Which, even if I went to try to buy it in person, sounds like it can’t be shipped to my local hardware store or whatever. Maybe that’s why I’ve never heard of it!
Anon
In the 1970s, my parents used to bring home to California bottles of Lestoil when they visited family in the Midwest for the very reason.
Cat
dehumidifiers are most convenient when you can have them run continuously and drain out the back, vs having to deal with a full tank to empty. In a bathroom this would work great since you could just set it in the shower or tub and let it go, so long as you can reach an outlet.
we’ve tried Damp Rid and it’s not nearly powerful enough in comparison.
Anonymous
Has anyone ever used a junk hauling service in a small apartment – like the Got Junk company or other local ones in the DC or NoVa areas? I know people call those companies when they have a whole basement to clear out because they’re downsizing, but do they take smaller jobs?
Situation is this – moved to N. Va a few years ago and while I cleaned out a lot when I moved, I brought probably seven or so boxes mostly books, old papers, binders that I stupidly thought I’d use. Well it’s been five years and I have no idea what even in there and I’d like that gone. Add to that a few empty boxes for appliances I bought long ago – like old TV boxes, laptop boxes etc., a few small appliances like a blender or space heater that don’t work, and an old pier one era wicker chair – and to me this feels like a JOB. Like I could do it on my own but given some cardiac issues, I feel like I would be working on this one or two hours per weekend for about a month because I’d have to carry each of these things downstairs to my buildings larger trash area individually and I can only lift so much at one time.
Any idea if the junk companies would do this, if I had all the boxes set aside and marked and they could just come in and pick up and carry it down to their truck? Also any rough guesses what it would cost? I’m happy to spend say two or three hundred dollars on this type of thing but if it’s like eight hundred dollars, I think I’d just make this my weekend project for a month.
I just feel like if I get this done, I get an entire sunroom area back and I can use some of it for storage of things I need to keep – like cleaning supplies and luggage. And the rest of it can work as a small home office or exercise area. And I’d love to buy a home in the next year or two anyway and it would just mean I less room to clean out then.
Anon
There are definitely companies that will do this, at least in my area. I had it done once, and I think it was in the $400 range (I live in a LCOL area).
If all the trash would fit in the receptacles at your building, this could also be a job for something like Task Rabbit!
Anon
Don’t use 800-Got-Junk – it’s such a ripoff compared to small local companies. Go to Yelp and type in “junk removal” and get a quote for a small job. I just did this for a relative’s townhouse (that was already mostly cleaned out) and the local quote was a fraction of the cost of Got-Junk.
Anonymous
OP here – thanks FWIW it seems like the local junk companies in N. Va all seem to have MUCH better reviews that Got Junk. People are saying Got Junk is a rip off, bait and switch pricing, no shows etc. – maybe it’s a bad franchisor in this area? Seems annoying to me that Got Junk won’t give estimates just based on photos – like they need to come in to give an estimate. Seems like the local companies are easier to work with in terms of online estimates and clearer pricing upfront rather than arbitrarily saying sorry we brought the small truck and now this takes up one half the truck instead of one quarter so you pay more.
Anonymous
We used Junk King in Alexandria and had a good experience!
Anon
I’m in the Bay Area and commented below about Got Junk. I’ve had only positive experiences with them. Yes, they came in person to give met the estimate.
I think it’s more annoying that you insist someone can do that based on photos!
Anon
Yes they definitely do smaller jobs.
anonymous
This is exactly what 800 Junk is for. I love them and use them all the time. They’ve done a number of jobs for me from cleaning out small things like you list after a move to bigger post construction cleans. They’re polite, professional, careful and you can schedule them to usually come in a few hours. They’re worth every penny and not that expensive for the value they bring.
joan wilder
I used College Hunks Hauling Junk Twice (once in DC, once in Boston). Both were for furniture removal projects but they do all sorts of things and they charged by the amount of the truck it takes up. You can get an estimate from them and decide.
Anon
I’ve used Got Junk for small jobs. Yes they do small loads! In my experience, the guy comes in and estimates what percentage of the truck capacity your load will take, and then they have set charges based on that percentage. A broken bed frame, an upholstered chair my cat scratched, an old mattress. I think these might have been 2-3 different engagements. It was worth it to me. The kind of stuff you can’t give away. One item I included in a partial truckload they didn’t charge me for, because the guy said it could be donated (it was in better shape, a small table) so I guess that’s part of what they do, go through your junk and donate/recycle anything salvageable. Or that might just be how they negotiate. IDK
If I could fit any of this into my car, I could take it to the local dump, but they would charge me to dump it. At the end of the day calling 800 got junk was just easier. It’s like people on here say – just throw money at it. I just didn’t want those things in my space any more.
A
Yes there are a lot of companies that do this in DC and NoVa – -get a couple of quotes prices vary dramatically.
Anonymous
I’m planning to buy a house late this year, likely Q4. I’m 30s, always rented, will be otherwise debt free at that point. I have a general metro area in mind, no specific house or neighborhood yet. I am a planner and I’d like to learn how to buy a house, what to look for, when, etc. None of my family has advice for me- parents purchased a trailer home in the 80s, they still live there, and my siblings all rent or moved in with a significant other who already owned the house. Nothing is too basic for me!
anon
Do you have someone who can come view houses with you? It’s good to have a second set of eyes so even your siblings who did not purchase their now dwelling can tag along and give inputs about layout, something they hate about their own house or something they wish they had (I veered my friend away from tiny crawl spaces that are accessed through a closet, and a front yard that doesn’t drain, and old knob and tube wiring for example). Don’t feel pressured by pushy agents. They just want to make the sale, but you need to be your own advocate on whether the house will work for you. Shop around for your rates and don’t feel shy about switching to the lender who gives you the best rate/fees. It’s business at the end of the day, don’t worry about hurt feelings as long as you’re polite but firm.
Anon
I bought House Buying for Dummies before we bought our first house and thought it had some useful about the basic logistical steps. A good realtor is the most important thing though. Get recs from local friends/colleagues, or if you don’t know anyone where you’re buying, then ask on social media for recommendations and vet them carefully.
Our realtor was great and it was really a very simple process for us that didn’t involve us doing much except telling the realtor what house we wanted and how much we wanted to offer, and then filling out some paperwork. It was honestly way more painless than I expected. She managed the negotiations and the closing and gave us referrals for home inspectors, appraisers and the mortgage specialists, who all did their jobs with minimal involvement from us.
Anon
And fwiw, I bought our house without anyone else seeing it (I was married, but we were moving and Dh wasn’t very interested in coming house-hunting) and it was totally fine. I was also the only one who saw our vacation home before closing.
A good realtor will be the second set of eyes and won’t just be like “oh everything’s perfect!” about every house. If the realtor is just gushing about every house and not pointing out flaws, you need a new realtor.
anonshmanon
I also used House Buying for Dummies, it’s a good resource.
A
same
Anonymous
i’d say narrow down the neighborhood (or down to a few different neighborhoods) — then you can watch on zillow what comes on the market, any neighborhood crime, what sells quickly, etc. you can also test out some local amenities like restaurants, gyms, (and also research schools/daycare if that might be in the cards for you).
otherwise, try to build into your budget replacing all of the carpets and flooring in the house when you buy it, before you move in – it’s a pain in the butt to do it any time else.
anonymous
Find an agent you click with and who’s willing to spend this time with you. Also look at actual appreciation in the area you’re interested in, get the local paper and sign up for local Facebook groups to get a better feeling for the community and issues there. On the actual house, have money for repairs and upgrades, you’ll always be spending in this category. Absent major structural issues, most things can be fixed and improved so I wouldn’t get too caught up on minor stuff. Honestly, HGTV is good for getting a sense of these things but their costs to fix are laughably low.
Anon
Start going to open houses. We went to open houses off-and-on for years before buying both our houses. It really helps you get a feel for different neighborhoods and what sorts of features you like in a house.
Anonymous
Agree with this. You might also meet an agent you like too. Are you in a competitive area OP? It took almost 2 years to actually win an offer, so keep that in mind if you are in a competitive area.
Write down your list of must haves and separate them out from “wants”
Anon
This. Look at a lot of houses. In our case, we moved across the country and rented for a year before buying, but we worked with the same realtor for both, and all the houses we looked at as rentals really helped narrow down the area we considered buying in and gave us a good idea of what to expect. That was ten years ago, though, so there was a lot more available. The best you’ll be able to do now is start early, unless you’re in a lucky city.
Anonymous
Random advice after 20 years of homeownership in no particular order:
-get a home inspection
– see the property on weekdays and weekends if it’s on a busy road
– pay attention to the Sun. If you are in a snowy cold area you want a driveway facing south or west (NOT north!).
– assume you won’t have money for renovations. It’s all $50k+.
– think very carefully about HOAs/Condos. There are pros and cons but just know what you are getting into!
– don’t underestimate maintenance.
– if it’s not a condo, think about snow/ice, snow removal, leaf removal, watering, weeding, mowing etc.
-where is the nearest grocery store? Gas station?
– google the zip code and look for registered $ex offenders. I was renting a house next door to a level 3 one once, which would have been one thing, but his charges had to do with minors and the upstairs tenant had young kids. He had a key to the property and did maintenance work. I googled by chance after reading an article!
– if you will have kids while in the house, what does the childcare/elem school situation look like?
– understand town/city taxes
Senior Attorney
The sun is very important whatever the climate. For example here in So Cal the west-facing side is going to be very hot in the afternoon so you need to take that into account. And if you like a lot of natural light (like I do), make sure you visit the house at various times of the day to see how the light is.
anon
Be prepared to provide a lot of paperwork. Bank statements, W2s, blood of your first born, etc. My parents gifted us some money towards the down payment and they had to provide documentation as well.
You could also start researching financing options and mortgage brokers. We ended up going with Chase (about 10 years ago initially) and then re-financed with them about 2 years ago. We worked with our broker to work out numbers to find out how much our monthly payment would be depending on how much we put down. Not sure if this still happens, but we were doing a new build at the time and had the option to lock in an interest rate at one point in the process.
Depending on your neighborhood, try to get an idea of the yearly property taxes. This will come out of your mortgage escrow. Also, start getting quotes for homeowners insurance. Sometimes you’ll get a discount if you have multiple policies with the same company.
Make sure you get a home inspection. If there are issues to be addressed, your realtor can help negotiate that with the seller’s agent.
Anon
+1 to getting started on homeowner’s insurance costs. If you can get homeowner’s insurance at all.
Signed, a Californian
Runcible Spoon
Narrow down the location where you want to live (assuming there are homes you can afford there), and explore mortgage options without consenting to the mortgage broker doing a credit check too early (too many credit checks can adversely affect your credit rating, which will affect the interest rate you qualify for). It’s not just 20% down and 80 % financed — depending on your income and profession and other debt, you may qualify for 5% down, 80% first mortgage, 15% second mortgage (with the additional monthly cost of private mortgage insurance until you pay down enough on your second mortgage to acquire sufficient equity to qualify dispensing with that PMI). If you can ask around and get word-of-mouth recommendations for a buyer’s real estate agent who specializes in first-time buyers, that might work best for you — they will be accustomed to educating you, the buyer, on current practices and standards. To the extent feasible, buy a house at a lower price than you may qualify for, to avoid being “house poor” and to maintain some cashflow (for furniture, decor, maintenance, and other new expenses that come with home ownership). Good luck!
Anon
Find out if water damage is a common issue in the city where you are looking or certain neighborhoods (where I live has a high water table so lots of leaking in basements). If so, that’s a big criteria to consider – whether the basement has had water damage, what steps have been taken to encourage water draining away from the house, have they ever had to do mold remediation, etc.
Anonymous
My 15th anniversary is coming up at the end of May – we were thinking of doing Napa for a few days. Any hotels or vineyards that are a must? (Are there tour companies?) We’re at the very beginning stages of research obviously.
Anon
Congrats! My specific recs would be out of date now, but May is my favorite time in Napa. The weather is beautiful but you don’t have the crowds and high prices of the busy summer travel season and the fall harvest season. Consider a hot air balloon tour followed by a champagne brunch. That’s a really special and romantic experience.
Anokha
Congrats! A few thoughts: first, if I were you, I would head up to Calistoga. It’s less crowded, and there are some great restaurants up there. Depending on your budget, I really liked Solage. Further south (so an easier drive), I stayed at Carneros and loved it.
Anon
I love Calistoga. My favorite is the Mount View hotel, and I love that there’s a little walkable downtown for an easy way to go to a nice dinner and walk back to the hotel.
A little daytime wine tasting, a late dinner, a walk back to the hotel, and a next-morning mud wrap at their spa is my idea of heaven.
Anonymous
+ 1, loved the Carneros Resort. For an evening arrival book at the restaurant on property. The cafe is fun for breakfast.
Anon
I love the Boon Fly Cafe.
Anonymous
If you love champagne, reserve at Domaine Carneros.
Anon
platypus tours are great.
Bethesda
Does anyone work in / near Bethesda? Any recs for a mid-life, single woman thinking about moving to the area and restart life? Need to stay in close driving proximity to Bethesda / major hospital system. Ideally, close enough an ambulance could take me to one of those places.
I am thinking of moving to the area. It wasn’t my first choice, as I don’t have any friends / family in the area (but some in NYC/Boston). And I don’t know the area at all. Have lived East Coast/West Coast/ Mid west and prefer somewhat urban, active areas that are more walkable. Love San Francisco and Cambridge. Probably will look for condo and need indoor parking, but a tiny house is not out of the question.
I am going to Bethesda soon to join a clinical trial, and want to spend some time looking around at local areas where I might live and figure out if it could work for me.
Anonymous
Bethesda has some nice walkable areas — look at Woodmont Triangle, near the Medical Center red line stop. Very close to NIH and Walter Reed medical center.
anon
Downtown Bethesda is very nice and walkable. Alternatively you can live in DC anywhere in Northwest along the red line and commute up there very easily (Cleveland Park, AU Park, Tenleytown, etc.).
Anon
Bethesda is nice and has a cute little downtown as the previous poster mentioned (Woodmont Triangle, and the newer Bethesda Row). That said, it’s definitely more family vibe. I would suggest looking in DC if you want something more urban – neighborhoods like Woodly Park, Clevland Park, Tenlytown/Friendship Heights and Van Ness are nice and close to Rock Creek Park (if you also want some nature), and they’re all on the Red Line Metro (which has multiple stops in Bethesda, including at the medical campus). If you want really urban/younger, then you could go all the way down to Adams Morgan, Dupont, or U Street/14th. From downtown DC to Bethesda wouldn’t be more than a 35 minute drive in rush hour traffic, so depending how long you’re willing to drive for , anywhere in NW DC could really be feasible.
kag
Or follow the red line to Noma and Eckington.
Anon100
There’s a few Metro stations in Bethesda – downtown Bethesda, Strathmore, North Bethesda that could be a starting point for your search if you don’t want to live in DC proper. Prices are high, but if you’ve lived in NYC or SF you’re used to that.
Lifelong MD Girl
Your post sounds bittersweet and I VERY MUCH hope things will be looking up for you in the future <3
Welcome to DC-adjacent MD! You're looking at a great area to live and you will have the option to be as urban or suburban-ish as you want! I will also throw in the pile Silver Spring and Takoma Park, both of which are dear to my heart, have lots of amenities, and a city-like feel. MD is great and I hope you come to see it as home sooner rather than later. Get ready for a lot of MD-flag and crab paraphernalia
Anon
+1 to Silver Spring though I have been out of the area for close to 10 years.
A
In your circumstances I’d live in Cleveland Park in NW DC.
Anon
Agree with this. I live in the area and Bethesda, Silver Spring, and Takoma Park are all pretty family oriented. A different option if you don’t want to be in DC is Hyattsville, which has a wonderful and walkable downtown area. A single friend moved there recently and has been really happy.
Anonymous
You should know that at least in DC, if you take an ambulance, you may not have your choice of hospital – they will take you to wherever there is room. For that reason, you may want to be in Maryland proper near the hospital of your choice, if that matters to you.
anon
For those of you who have been married for a while, how is your gardening life? I’m in my mid 30s and have ben married about 10 years with no kids, and I think I’m satisfied enough but would really like to be gardening a lot more often and trying new things. Is this normal/do most others feel this way too?
Anon
Is your husband up for more? My husband certainly would be willing as much as I wanted. I’m mid 30s, married for 11 years and have 3.5 kids (so that impacts things); we DTD 1-2x week and honestly I could take it or leave it. It’s fine and I enjoy it, but I’d just as soon read and go to sleep. I’m probably on the low-libido side of things, but stereotypically I think that’s average for people in my life stage. Without kids I might have more energy.
Anon
Married 9 years, together for 16. It’s not that new or exciting, but that’s not what I’m looking for at this stage in my life (and I don’t have a super high drive/desire for novelty anyway). Frequency is 1x/week (rarely higher or lower) and that’s just what works for us. My husband would probably prefer a bit more often, but it hasn’t been an issue. You can try talking to your partner about how you’re feeling and finding out if he or she would be interested in cranking things up a notch.
Anonymous
dead bedroom here – any time i try to discuss it with my husband he shuts down. but everything else in our lives is good, so we carry on…
Anonymous
Same. It’s very sad and I don’t know what to do about it.
Anonymous
Same.
anon
Been married 25 years. I have had no drive for a long time, but my husband still wants to do it 2-3 times a week. So I do it and even initiate sometimes, but it’s just a chore for me. I’ve been on BC for a while so maybe that’s the reason for the low drive.
Anon
Could be. I definitely have absolutely zero interest on BC.
Anon
Ebbs and flows. Married for 24 years now. Little kid time was probably the worst. But it’s all based on communication and not holding resentments. You have to work out all the stuff that’s keeping you from being “in the mood” but we can still go away for a weekend and almost break the bed. :)
Josie P
Married almost 20 years, DH would happily go every day but we usually average out to 4x/week. This is more than I would prefer but I also like him not to be grumpy.
Anon
I just read a recent interview with Emily Nagoski. She says she doesn’t give a typical number regarding frequency, because everyone will compare, and that’s not really the point. The question is not how often, but whether you and your partner are satisfied/ happy with where you are. If not, then you work on that.
If you want more, you have to communicate! Be direct. Set aside to talk about it. Put away any embarrassment about it, and say directly what it is you want. Sorry, there’s really no better way to do it. A bottle of wine may help!
Anon
+1 to all this, especially the last paragraph
Anonymous
If you haven’t talked about it then sure have a conversation. But mismatched libidos aren’t something you can just talk out. Eventually the person who wants more will feel rejected and frustrated because communication isn’t working, while the person who wants less will feel nagged and pressured. Sometimes communication hurts more than it helps, even if everyone is being respectful.
I’m the HL partner, DH has always been lower than me but ever since we got married it’s been VVL, like once a month after several attempts from me. I don’t try to talk about it anymore. He knows. He doesn’t have a hormonal imbalance or anything, this is just where he is. Telling him over and over again, yeah it’s still not enough for me, even if said in the kindest gentlest way, certainly doesn’t improve anything and usually makes it worse. If you’re the HL partner you kind of just have to meet the LL partner where they are. I just wish he would let me have enough time alone in the house so I could take care of myself as regularly as I would like to (and yes we have talked about that too, and no it hasn’t improved, and no I don’t think I can continue to tell him to please go away).
Anonymous
Have you asked permission to go outside the marriage? I think I would.
Anon
I’m sorry he won’t give you that alone time, especially since it would likely reduce some of the mismatch tension.
Anon
Yeah that is bad. If he won’t let you be alone with yourself, it sounds like he’s saying you can’t be a sexual person, together or alone. That’s not a partnership.
Anon
That was a good interview. It’s in the NYT, for anyone looking.
So Glad I’m Single
Women having sex they don’t want to have just to keep their husbands happy…what year is this??
Anon
Thank you. I’m a big believer that it should be physically and emotionally satisfying for both parties or it shouldn’t happen at all. It’s so obviously a two person activity – why are we acting like it is done for the benefit of one at the expense of another?
Anon
I take your point, but I wouldn’t say we have sex just to keep our husbands happy. It is something important to many husbands, and when you get married it’s kind of part of the deal…I’d say the same if a husband wasn’t that interested but a wife was.
Obviously if a wife isn’t feeling good or is really resistant, don’t! But if I’m kind of ambivalent about it, though I know it’s important to my husband, and I have no great objections other than preferring to read in bed, I choose to give that to him — and ultimately to us, as it does strengthen the marriage.
I’m not the one who mentioned “grumpy” above, but I have noticed my husband is much more patient and in a better mood the days after sex, and a little bit more terse/shorter fuse if it’s been a long time. It’s not on purpose, and it’s not directed at me, it’s just his general demeanor. Sex is an important point of connection for many men/couples; I know that my demeanor also changes if I feel like my husband and I haven’t emotionally connected in a while
Anon
When you say that “it” is part of the deal, what exactly do you mean by “it”? I’m guessing the answer is “PIV until he climaxes ” which is actually objectionable in this day and age. Because that isn’t the deal when you get married; the deal is that it should be mind-blowing for BOTH parties. (Obviously exceptions exist, but if it’s mind blowing for him 95% of the time and mind blowing for the wife 10% of the time, then the rule for the wife is mediocre and the exception to that rule is when it’s actually good.)
Do these husbands ever go down on their wives with no expectation of immediate reciprocity? Or is it that a lot of noise is made about mutuality but that’s really just a bludgeon to use against women?
Get what I’m saying here?
Anon
Thank you. Let’s examine why we think the definition of s3x is “until he gets off and is happy.” I’m pretty horrified by the responses here.
It's me.
He does that on me all the time (he loves it apparently!) and it is still better for him 95% of the time. It is a fact of life that it’s easier for dudes, they need it more than we do, and it is still really good for a relationship. Exceptions exist, of course, but this is a real thing and we shouldn’t pretend it isn’t.
Anon
I do get what you’re saying, and “it” is up to the couple. In my mind “it” involves some sort of intimate contact. I’m one of the ambivalent ones and my DH would happily go down on me every time (and asks!) but I personally don’t really enjoy it so we rarely do that. For us “it” means manual for me to climax, followed by PIV for him to.
My point is that intimacy — physical and emotional — is very important to a healthy marriage. Both partners deserve to have their needs met in both areas, in a way that is agreeable to both. And yes, marriage takes a degree of selflessness and willingness to accommodate the desires of another.
Anon
5:19, no one is saying that. You are the one defining it that way.
Anon
“They need it more than we do” Did you get your s3x ed from the 1950s? Jfc.
Anonymous
What? Sometimes it will be mutually mind-blowing. Sometimes it won’t. I enjoy it quite a lot even when I am not the one who’s climaxing. I genuinely get both emotional and physical pleasure from every physical encounter with my partner, even when neither of us finishes. Is that okay with you or am I part of the patriarchy?
Anon
@6:25 that’s a lot different than “I just go along with it because otherwise he’s grumpy” which sounds like zero enjoyment for the wife
Anon
“It is a fact of life that it’s easier for dudes, they need it more than we do, and it is still really good for a relationship.”
There are three statement in there. Let’s examine them.
1. What is “it” that is easier for dudes? And why does it matter if it’s easier for them? What a sad way to look at marriage – “getting my wife off is hard so she doesn’t deserve it as much as I do.”
2. In about 25% of marriages, the wife is the HL spouse.
3. GOOD marital relations are good for a marriage. One sided sex is highly correlated with an increased divorce rate, because it turns out that making an inherently mutual and giving act about “she gives, he takes” is a sure fire way to divorce court.
Anon
Yeah, that makes me sad too.
Anon
I wouldn’t necessarily read these responses as women gardening that don’t want to. At least for me and H, we have gone through periods where I have a higher drive and when he has a higher drive. At least for us, lower drive doesn’t mean low drive it just means eh I’d be happy if we weren’t doing this but I still enjoy it and it makes my partner happy so let’s do it. I also find that when I’m the lower drive partner, sometimes just doing it increases drive. When I’m the higher drive partner, I’d be pretty hurt if H just shut down any gardening activities except when he was 100% wanting it. There’s compromise in gardening like there’s compromising in everything.
No one should be gardening when they truly don’t want to but there’s a lot of nuance here especially if you’re in a long term relationship. Consent is important but there’s a world of difference between meh ok and no I’m not interested at all.
Anon
I get what you’re saying about responsive desire, and sometimes you have to just get started. That pretty reliably works for me.
But that doesn’t seem the same thing as “I find it a chore” and “I do it so husband isn’t grumpy.”
Anon
I didn’t reply, but think of it this way: sometimes I’m really in the mood for ice cream and specifically go out of my way to go get it. Other times I’m not thinking about it at all and I can take it or leave it but some of my friends want to go out for it, so I tag along as a social activity. The ice cream still tastes good in that scenario.
Anon
But would it taste good if you said “no, I’m not hungry” and your friends said “but I’m hungry, so I need you to have ice cream.”? Or worse, guilt tripped you for saying no? That’s what a lot of women deal with.
Anon
I don’t like this analogy because eating ice cream is not intimate, and intimate thing are much more important and much more loaded than having an ice cream cone.
Anonymous
but… women are having sex because they’ve decided their partnership includes sex. one of the best tips people give you is to “schedule sex” and in that case neither party may be interested in DTD. especially when you’ve been with the same partner for a long time you’re probably not going to “want” to have sex that much.
Anon
Scheduling can work for me. I have responsive desire so I know once we get started I will be very into it. Scheduling helps get me into a good mind space of anticipation. And not just “on Sundays at 7PM we do it.” Just communicating ahead of time about when we might have some alone time (that’s our euphemism) really helps to make sure it happens.
Clementine
lol, ours most recently is ‘Watch a Marvel Movie’.
Anon
I agree. No one should have sex they don’t want, ever, no excuses. A feeling of “meh, maybe” is different from “ugh, no.”
Anon
But most people on this thread seem to be talking about having it when they feel “Meh, maybe”? I don’t see anyone saying they do it even when they vehemently don’t want to.
Anonymous
Long/short is that we are 40 with 3 kids. It was healthy, then pretty non existing during the worst of the kid years. Then DH and I had a big time blow out- several months long (it started when I found a mysterious locked suitcase full of toys, none of which I’d known existed, many of which were for use on me*, all while we hadn’t had $ex in months), then it would simmer and resurface- and we went to therapy and did a lot of work on ourselves and our marriage- nearly all on $ex and communication. We now have sex a couple times a week and once in a while plan for something more adventerious.
*turns out they weren’t; DH got into self anal play and has some bdsm kinks that he discovered/is curious about and didn’t mention it over the entire 18 years I’ve known him and bought some stuff for “us to try” then never said anything and it all blew up and nearly ended our marriage. BUT we are in a much better place now.
Anon
I wonder if DH was using with someone else? I have a hard time believing he bought for you but never told you, or that he was exclusively doing BDSM on himself.
Anonymous
I posted that- and that’s what I thought, along with that he wanted to hit me (which I’m not into, and was shocked we’d been together for so long and he’d never mentioned it)…and for a long time worked through my feelings in this. I suppose I’ll never know for absolute sure, but I landed on believing him.
Apparently he bought things with the intention to ask me to use them on him, but never got up the nerve. It’s something I’ve given a try after all this came out – But that level of D is just not for me- and I’m not good at it! But we found some light D I could get into and things have been much better.
Anon
Sounds like this poster thought about this possibility and dismissed it because she is closer to the scenario than you are. I’m not sure how your response was supposed to help.
Anon
+1 and even if it’s true that they were intended for use or even used with someone else, it seems they’ve moved past it so this seems like a very unhelpful response.
Do it more!
oh man I feel out of place on this thread and have been searching someone who knows what I’m going through:
childless but married 8 yrs… 36->37 and my sx drive has SKYROCKETED. I’ve been off BC for 2 years now so I’m hormone free living, been chalking it up to that? (Not necessarily TTC but tracking temps to avoid) holy crap. I feel like a 17-year-old boy. 1-2x per week is not enough for me and it’s taken my spouse by surprise.
Anonymous
Mine has always been high and at 40 shows no sign of slacking. When I was living alone I would take care of myself minimum twice a day, every day, and often more. It was a pretty big shock to the system to drop down to 2-3x/week with most longterm partners.
Anyone know of a way to reduce drive? I was on normal BC for 20 years and that didn’t do it. I’ve been off BC completely for 5 years and no real change. I would love to be one of those women who just doesn’t think about it.
Anonymous
*hormonal BC not normal lol
Anon
Why can’t you self garden anymore? If that worked for you before, why wouldn’t it be OK to fill in the gaps that way?
Anon
+1 married men almost all do it, I don’t see why you shouldn’t.
Anonymous
Antidepressants will take the libido right out of you.
Anon
I’ve been the person with the higher drive and it can be really challenging, especially when my ex’s drive was nonexistent. So similarly to posters above, sometimes I’m not 100% in the mood, but if DH is, I play along until I warm up, because ultimately I believe intimacy is important. I’m never forcing it, and if I’m really not in the mood, I say no and he doesn’t insist. But like others have said there are shades of gray. I’ve never not enjoyed a gardening session even if I wasn’t the initiator.
Anon
It’s going off BC. I felt like a horny teenager! Funny you said that too, because horny teenager is how I described it to friends, and my very happy husband. :)
Anon
When some women hit their late 30s, their bodies go into overdrive to try to produce kids before it’s all over. Apparently it becomes more common to produce two eggs in a cycle, and I wouldn’t be surprised if an increased libido were another one of the ways a woman’s body would try to help things along.