Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Rainbow-Stripe Sweater Midi Skirt

337 Comments

1. New experience… went to submit a proposal for a conference and discovered that they required me to not only share social media handles (not super uncommon these days) but also how many followers I have on each platform. Great, so now being a subject matter expert is not enough for speakers, they also have to be social media mavens. Also, now we don’t know whether those on stages are subject matter experts or if they are amateurs with a big social media following. This seems like a very slippery slope to a lot of bad for everyone!

   1. Holy cow. I have never had to submit any social media information with conference abstracts (social sciences and law). What field are you in?

      1. I have been seeing this lately in a number of fields, as my work crossed into several. I am also hearing it is becoming common in many non-academic fields as well.

   2. This is weird, but it seems like a big leap to say they’re letting amateurs with huge social media followings speak. Presumably they’re still vetting speakers on professional credentials.

      1. Yeah, I would think this is right. They want to evaluate whether you as a speaker will help with their publicity, I’m guessing. Might be particularly important if it’s going to be a virtual event and they’re dealing with uncertainty and rethinking it in that context.

   3. Do you think maybe they are checking to see if speakers post anything on social media that would reflect poorly on the conference?

      1. Just asking for the handles would make sense, and that’s common enough! Not number of followers

      2. I would hope it’s this!

   4. Yikes, as a government subject matter expert employee with no social media this is very concerning. I need to be on the stage so to speak because while industry opinions are important they aren’t ultimately making the decisions, I am. I really hope this is not a normal trend, though my field isn’t s*xy or cool, so hopefully I’m spared.

   5. Maybe they think if you’re more popular, you will bring in more people to attend the conference? It just feels icky. This isn’t a concert they are trying to sell tickets to.

      1. Except they do have to make money . . .

         1. Followers on social media won’t necessarily buy tickets to a conference, especially an academic or technical professional conferece; if organizers are thinking that, they’re fooling themselves. The percentage of followers who respond to someone’s call to action is usually tiny; that’s why “influencers” need tens of thousands to millions of followers (depending on the platform) to make even show up on sponsor radar.

   6. Yuck. I have Facebook and Instagram but my profiles are locked down and my followers are limited to my family and close friends only. I guess I wouldn’t get picked for the conference, if number of followers is a criteria.

      No matter what evolves in the future I am not opening up my social or getting on Twitter, which I think is a disease, to get professional opportunities. I know so many people who are ditching social media entirely or scaling way back on their usage. They’re intelligent, accomplished people who are definitely SMEs in their fields. The only people I know who are out there actively trying to “grow their following” are hucksters and people trying to be “influencers.” I guess if shameless self-promoters are what the conference organizers are looking for, I wish them luck.

   7. I’m so confused as to why our social media profiles have anything to do with our professional lives

      1. It’s pretty common to use Twitter for professional self-promotion.

      2. Kind of like our appearance and our age.

   8. From the (business/ industry) conference organizer perspective, we ask for speakers’ social media handles if they care to provide them – at least LinkedIn and Twitter. We then send them social media cards to promote the event and their sessions if they wish. But sharing is always up to them, we don’t evaluate speakers’ expertise based on social media, and I’ve never heard of asking for follower counts.

2. This skirt looks like a costume from the musical How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.

   1. The Lumineers’ violinist wore a skirt just like this on their Tiny Desk Concert! Watched yesterday (going down a Tiny Desk rabbit hole!).

   2. I LOVE that musical.

   3. I love that musical and there is no universe in which I do not buy this skirt.

      1. I just bought this skirt. And as someone who admires your style, Senior Attorney, I’m feeling very stylish because we now own the same item of clothing!

      2. It looks like your kind of skirt! Let us know how you style it. I’m guessing not a navy blazer : )

         1. I already have a short-sleeve navy sweater so that seems like a no-brainer. Also bought the coordinating “poppy” (red) sweater.

3. Exhausted rant: Locked down with family, one of whom got home yesterday after a hip replacement surgery. He was up every two hours with the walker and the bathroom and the walking and the boredom. My room is next to his. I finally gave up and went to the living room to try to sleep. He then came to the living room to chat because he was bored. I gave up, went back to bed, and then he got bored and went back to bed and then back to the bathroom and the walking and the boredom. Zero sleep and now I need to be supportive during his PT. I know he has good medicine to help him with his pain while he heals, but why do I not get something for the pain while he heals?!

   1. Tylenol PM or Unisom (I actually use the Unisom Minis for partner-induced sleep problems).
      Also, would a sleeping mask and/or earplugs passively communicate you aren’t available for a late-night chat? And this morning, make some good TV recommendations for him to watch in the middle of the night, “Oh, sometimes when I can’t sleep I binge watch anything on Bravo… maybe there’s some rerun sports ball on for you occupy your time?” Sorry, you too are also in recovery and I’m on your side!

      1. He is in a room with a tv (set up just for him, so the rest of the family is now battling for the one available tv until he is healed enough to go back to his own room), he is just super extroverted and sometimes medicated, so when he’s awake, he either needs to be entertained or wants to socialize. Between toilet lid b@anging and clanging the walker on the hardwood and tv up way too loud because he can’t hear or it’s over his cpap machine, moving to the other side of the house seemed safest, until he came that way too. Until he’s safe, I have to at least be mindful if he actually needs something (so I can’t medicate myself to sleep through him in case it’s actual emergency), but goodness gracious is this more than I bargained for. It’s one thing to be demanding and impatient all day (including when I am working) but zero sleep at night is a lot too. Can’t even try to flip my sleep schedule to be up at night for him because he needs things all day too (including presence during PT, meals, etc.) How long after surgery until he is self-sufficient??

         1. Sounds really rough. Does he have friends he can video chat with during the day (or night, if they’re nocturnal or different time zone) to help him get some extrovert time? Also, I understand not being able to medicate — although you might try half a unisom, I found it helped but I could still get up for kid stuff if needed — but another idea is putting in one earplug. I’m a side sleeper and will put it in the ear that is not against the pillow. It muffles sound a lot but it’s minimally disruptive to just lift my head a little if I think I hear something to see if I need to deal with it or not.

         2. If you are “with family,” can you not rotate primary caretaker responsibility?

         3. If you’re his primary caretaker you need to be taking this time off. He’s not out to get you he’s suffering and recovering.

         4. Is there some reason you can’t tell him with words that you need to sleep, so barring an emergency where he needs your help, he needs to be more considerate overnight?

   2. I went through this surgery 8 months ago and trust me, his body has a lot of recovery to do and this nocturnal wakefulness isn’t likely to be an ongoing thing. He can do his PT/walking during daylight hours and will be fine.

   3. We saw my mom and my MIL through hip replacements last year (so fun!) and I will say that the first week is by far the worst. Depending on the person’s overall physical health, they can be pretty self sufficient after even 4-5 days, or it could take longer. For example, we stayed with my MIL for ~5 days and then she was okay sleeping on her own in the house with frequent drop-ins during the day. She’s in her early 60’s, no major health issues, lives alone. My mom on the other hand, is early 70s, very bad reactions always to medication, and a recovering alcoholic. Her health overall is much weaker. My dad was still doing almost everything for her (making food, helping her get dressed/get out of bed/get in the shower) more than a week out, but she was much improved physically. Some of the insomnia could also just be a reaction to the anesthesia and hospital-dosed pain meds as they wear off. Both of our moms had a bad time coming off them.

   4. Ok, he’s clearly pretty independent and doing fine, why don’t you just ask him to be more considerate of your sleep?

4. Seeking ideas for filling up our 4th of July staycation this long weekend. I’m located in Metro-Atlanta (where it will be hot), very pregnant, and it’s just me and husband.
   We are planning to spend some time on Saturday doing the traditional grilling, and I’m planning to do some festive baking. Every baby thing I can think of is already done. We will probably go to a local park twice this weekend for some exercise, but that still leaves huge chunks of time with nothing to do. I’m not opposed to lots of naps and rest, but would like to do something fun for our last long weekend with just the two of us. There are a few local lakes I was considering going to with a picnic, but I am concerned about them being very crowded.

   1. This is just me, but could you go to a fancy local hotel, perhaps not even actually stay there, just to lounge in their very nice pool? I have a feeling it would be more deserted than a lake. Like our Ritz-Carlton lets you get a day pass to the spa with any service (can be “nutritional consultation”) and just lounging there would be nice (with mask + book).

      1. Hi there’s a pandemic on I highly doubt any hotel is welcoming non guests to just hang out.

         1. Some hotels have closed their pools during this time.

         2. Not true. The Omni at The Battery is selling day passes. Pandemic protocols are posted. Whether that appeals to the OP, I don’t know.

         3. Ha — half of the people I know who booked rooms at Great Wolf Lodge (back in 2019) never stayed over. They just used them for changing and b/c that got you access to the water park.

            I think that hotels are so empty that they welcome anyone and are largely empty. They are hurting.

      2. I was thinking of going to get a pedicure, but I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable lounging around a hotel for several hours with case counts rising and a covid test looming at L&D admission. Some pampering without too much exposure/risk would be nice though!

         1. If you are in ATL, are there no outdoor pools? I’d pay for a round of golf just to waddle the course — many of them are so pretty and I bet they don’t check to make sure you are actually golfing.

   2. There are lots of small towns you could visit and have a look-see and maybe get food and ice cream without driving too far – Calhoun (Copper Creek Farm), Clayton (surprising food scene), Madison, etc. Or you could go up to the Ocoee and visit the kayaking center as spectators. Depends on your comfort level, of course. I do think our lakes are going to be party centers over the Fourth.

   3. It won’t take up a lot of time – but we made a video for baby a couple of days before he was born. Dad and I both talked about how excited we were to meet him, and what we were nervous about … did a little tour of the nursery … showed my super-pregnant belly and how we could see the outline of his little foot every time he kicked me. We watch the video now every couple of years and this year watched it with our (now) six year old on his birthday. He told us how young we looked in the “movie.”

      1. This is such a sweet idea! I have the same feelings when I look at pictures of myself when the kids were babies – how much better I looked back then lol! I have made videos for my kids when I am out of town for my husband to show them at night, singing their goodnight song and saying their prayers and I still have those saved!

   4. I saw more movies the month before I delivered than I did for the next 5 years (also was pregnant in an Atl summer). I realize that may be too risky now. But, could you find something to watch and do a theme- Hamilton dinner maybe? Anyone you know have a pool?

      1. If a movie marathon appeals, check out the website for the Plaza Theatre. They are doing drive-in showings and also streaming via virtual ticket pretty much every independent film that was set for release in early 2020.

   5. We went to Zoo Atlanta a few weeks ago and loved it! They are doing such a good job with social distancing and one way traffic.

   6. Honestly, I would get a kiddie pool to lounge in at home.

5. My husband’s birthday is coming up. It’s on a weekday. Any suggestions on how to celebrate in the current environment? In normal times we’d celebrate by going out for a nice dinner or taking a mini-break. Some restaurants will be opening where we are, but he is not comfortable going just yet (ditto re trips out of town). He is not interested in a fancy takeaway either. I’ve bought gifts and ordered a small ice-cream cake, but looking for more ways to make the day special.

   1. Short hike and a picnic?

   2. My husband kept the balloons I blew up for his March birthday for… Two months. No idea why he loved them so much, but he really did.

      1. Haha, mine did, too!

   3. My husband would appreciate some ‘afternoon delight’ if we were both working from home on his birthday.

      Breakfast in bed? Coffee in bed in the morning? Long walk around the block, holding hands, during the work day (or after dinner)? Body massage in the evening?

   4. My wife’s birthday was in April, and also on a weekday. I bought her some physical gifts (we usually do dinner, too) and baked a cake. I also promised a “do-over” birthday at some point in the future …. which keeps receding further into that future.

6. Women who wear gel eyeliner (or used to?!): I started wearing gel eyeliner right before shutdown and I love it. My question is… am I supposed to be washing my application brush EVERY day I use it (or used to)? I don’t want to use dirty gross brushes, but washing this baby every application also seems like a little much. Am I supposed to just have multiple brushes? Am I doing this wrong?

   1. I use Neutrogena makeup removing wipes for this (and removing my makeup). I wash the brush with soap and water less frequently, maybe once a week, though I’m sure I should do it more often.

   2. There are brush cleaner sprays, where you can spray it onto a tissue and wipe the brush on the tissue until the product is removed. There are tons of options. Google “makeup brush cleaning spray” and you will find plenty to choose from.
      Wash the brush with water as usual once a week.

   3. I use micellar water after each use, and then wash it properly when I have a few to do.

7. I’m a lawyer in the Midwest. It seemed like the first few weeks of lockdown, everyone bent over backwards – opposing counsel granted or immediately received extensions, clients reached out to see how I was doing, etc. Now, it’s like many prior went past normal and straight to mean. Have had multiple calls where someone yelled (which has only happened once in the prior 10 years, believe it or not), more shouty emails than usual, and settlement negotiations seem to have more personal attacks, both on lawyers and parties.

   Is this the new “normal” as everyone’s stress marinates? Any other regions in the county experience something different, or maybe get through this meanness and back to (adversarial but professional) “normal?”

   1. I’m a little bit east of you (probably Rust Belt?) and I am still seeing mostly professional courtesy. I think that we are all afraid of what a court will say if you have to engage in motion practice over routine extensions. I am a defense attorney and am also seeing lots of settlements because plaintiffs and their counsel need money.

   2. Not sure if this will be behind a paywall, but I saw this article earlier today and think it hits the nail on the head: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/wellness/anger-control-protests-masks-coronavirus/2020/06/29/a1e882d0-b279-11ea-8758-bfd1d045525a_story.html

   3. I’m not proud of it, but my patience is THIN AF right now. I do my best not to take it out on anyone professionally, but I have regular venting sessions with my counterpart in EMEA beacuse we both at the end of our ropes. I don’t know if it’s because of layoffs and large gaps in manpower/human resources, people forgetting to use their brains after being cooped up for too long, or what, but it seems that people’s common sense has disappeared and no one is using critical thinking skills atm. It’s inefficient, irritating, and driving me mad. So there’s that . . .

      1. +1. Not a lawyer, but lord god I have ZERO patience for anyone, including myself right now. I thought I was going to have to leave the grocery store yesterday or I was going to end up on the news for losing my shit next to the canned beans.

   4. I don’t think it’s the new normal but I do think it’s the result of 3 months of very intense, unprecedented stress on every single person in the world. That doesn’t excuse yelling at people, but I do think it will someday go away.

      1. +1. There is a whole lot of constant background stress happening because of all of the unknowns. This eats up brain energy and reduces the brains ability to regulate emotion effectively

         So while, yelling remains unprofessional, fuses may be shorter b/c of the quaren-times.

8. I grew up using the charcoal grills that we had in our county parks. Now, in suburbia, DH wants to get a grill (gas grill). I feel that all I know is charcoal and don’t have a sense of charcoal vs gas and then there are things like big green eggs that are also smokers. If you have outdoor cooking aparati, what do you actually use and need? I can see maybe using to avoid heating up the house in the summer, but I think it could be hard to cook a whole meal outside and may actually not use it b/c I can’t be cooking in two places at once? Grill + microwave so that there aren’t two fires needing to be tended to? I know that the answer should be “grill corn or eat a salad,” which I would be fine with, but those silly children of mine aren’t down with that (yet! the indoctrination will continue . . .).

   1. Smoker is not ideal for everyday cooking. It takes a while to heat up, and cook the meat, so we usually do that on a weekend when we have all day to be around. It does make the most delicious chicken and ribs I’ve ever had, but I’d start with a grill and get a smoker only if one of you is interested in learning how to smoke meat. We have a weber smoker and grill, the grill is charcoal with a gas starter. I believe those who are really into grilling look “down” on gas because “it doesn’t taste the same”. My summer goal is to minimize use of stove, and try to avoid the oven. So DH will grill meats/veggies on the grill, and I’ll prep whatever else we need inside.

      1. When you say that the smoked meat was delicious, is that because of the flavor? texture? Something else?

         I have to confess that I’m not even sure what smoking is (indirect heat? vs the direct heat of a grill?). Is it like roasting vs braising vs how a crock pot just gives you mushy food sometimes?

         I swear I have been lost since we lost restaurant options. I can cook, but it is not the OMG delicious food that restaurants make. Probably b/c they use more salt and fat than I’d want to know about, but my stuff is just tolerable. I hate that.

         1. ” I can cook, but it is not the OMG delicious food that restaurants make. Probably b/c they use more salt and fat than I’d want to know about, but my stuff is just tolerable. I hate that.”

            I know exactly what you mean; when we first made the switch (many years ago now) from primarily eating out to primarily cooking at home, it was a big adjustment to get used to the way food tastes when you make it at home. The stuff restaurants make is OMG delicious because they generally use gigantic, very unhealthy amounts of fat (including fats many of us are reluctant to use in quantity, like butter), sugar, and salt on the food. Now that we primarily eat at home, usually when we go out (especially if we end up at a chain restaurant, which isn’t often but a necessity if we eat with my extended family) the food tastes way too salty, sweet, greasy or rich to me. I can usually only eat a few bites of a chain restaurant meal because it’s just too much everything.

            The other reason food can taste better at a restaurant is because they use more seasoning and more diverse seasonings. Cookbooks can help you replicate this; I recommend Salt Fat Acid Heat as a good place to start.

         2. Offset heat, far lower temp and generally much longer cook times. DH smokes ribs, for example, starting at 6 am. They’re ‘fully cooked’ based on internal temperature by mid morning but then they stay on the smoker at a very low, low temperature for another 6 hours. Serious smokers say it’s an art form. I live with one of those ‘serious (recreational) smokers’, and honestly it’s one of his greatest attributes.

         3. The flavor – the chicken isn’t dry, and the ribs literally fall off the bone. Smoking is indirect heat at a lower temp for longer time. We use a “pit mop” which is a vinegar solution with lemon and red pepper flakes to paint the meat while it’s cooking. The skin on chicken and the ends of ribs also get a little bit of a crisp to them. We have also tried brisket (so difficult to get right), fish (amazing), turkey (also amazing), and ham (not worth the effort). Smoking is more of a habit though, my husband has read a book or 2 to get started and will take notes on what went well/poorly for the next time to make adjustments.
            As for healthy but still delicious options, I highly recommend NoCrumbsLeft! She’s a whole30 food blogger, but she explains things well and her dishes all have a little extra kick to them.

         4. Smokers produce meat that is slow cooked at a low temperature, so it is most appropriate for big cuts of tough meat like a pork shoulder or beef brisket. Think an indirect fire version of a slow cooker. The low & slow method allows flavors of the burning wood to permeate the meat, along with cooking fat and collagen so that they are actually edible.

            Grilling is high direct heat, most suitable for high end cuts that would shrivel up in a low & slow cook. Steaks & pork chops are the most common.

            I have a gas grill and a pellet smoker. I love them both. The grill is great for getting dinner on the table quickly; the smoker shines when we have time to produce a slab of ribs and a pot of baked beans. Either one can produce a really nice pizza, too.

   2. For grilling, your choices are to prep the sides ahead of time, grill the sides, and/or put one person outside at the grill and one person in the kitchen prepping sides.

      I am a charcoal purist who will only light charcoal with a chimney, no lighter fluid. My husband said he wanted a gas grill because he didn’t want to clean a charcoal grill. I said, well, since you are volunteering to be 100% responsible for cleaning the grill, we will get whatever type of grill you want. We bought a gas grill and I have never had to clean it.

      A smoker is not a replacement for a grill.

   3. My husband is big into our gas grill. Gas is a LOT quicker and easier to set up on a daily basis and use than a charcoal grill. In our specific case, that is where he is willing to help out the most with cooking around our house so it is a huge win for me. He grills the main and then maybe I take care of the side (but often once he gets going he takes care of that too).

      1. I grew up with a gas grill and that’s what my parents still prefer. An ex was into charcoal grills and I admit that the flavor is better, but they are a bit of a faff and you have to plan ahead. On the other hand, they’re cheap so there’s no reason you couldn’t get both if you want.

   4. A smoker is not a grill. A grill is not a smoker. There are some combo smokers, as well. A grill can be gas or charcoal. A smoker and combo smoker/grills are typically propane, sometimes electric.

      My husband is a huge smoker. We have a combo grill/smoker and it’s big, clunky and scares me. I’m already skittish around fire but the flames are huge and there are extra buttons, and doesn’t always light easily an just … no. We’re actually about to get a standard stainless Weber Genesis gas grill because the smoker is just a better smoker than grill. If you’re a serious smoker, you’re better off getting a purpose-built smoker and keep the grilling to purpose built grills.

   5. We have a Weber has grill. Fast to heat up is the best thing for gas vs charcoal. This means we use it Week nights when charcoal would take too long. We also use it year round in the Midwest (including during snowy winters). We have an extra gas tank so if one runs out mid cooking we can change it out quickly. It’s our go to in the summer so we don’t heat up the house. Grilled vegetable salad (red pepper, zucchini, red onion, plus basil vinaigrette and goat cheese) makes the grill do everything. That or a regular salad that doesn’t have simultaneous prep is easy.

      1. I also have a Weber gas bbq we call them that up here) and I love it. The gas line runs from the house so you never have to go out for propane. I use it all the time – my kid loves corn, chicken and grilled bread so he is happy to eat from it. Grilled vegetables and baby potatoes and it is a full meal. And, as someone with a birthday in January, I usually shovel a path and make steaks in the snow. Purists would disagree, but I am short on time/patience for charcoal or a smoker, so this is a great addition to my cooking arsenal.

   6. We have a somewhat fancy propane gas grill that has a large grilling area with sear section, plus two side burners. Gas is easy, not messy, and fast. Side burners are great for cooking things tend toward mess/smells (bacon, fish, etc). You could easily cook your whole meal on the gas grill if you have space. Our grill on the deck near the kitchen so it’s pretty easy to go back and forth if I’m cooking in both places. You close the lid during most cooking sessions anyway so it’s pretty contained from a fire/safety standpoint if you step away for a short period.. We also have a big green egg which is great but requires a lot more time and setup. You can always get a box for the gas grill that you can put wood chips in to add a smoke flavor.

   7. Huh? You don’t need a grill and a microwave. Get a gas grill they’re much easier and stop being so fussy, it is fine.

      1. Protip: you can answer people’s questions without being snarky.

      2. This comment section literally exists so people can fuss over their shopping.

   8. We have a base model gas grill from Home Depot that we use maybe once a week in the summer. It’s quick. You can put foil down if you don’t want to thoroughly clean it after every use. Let it cool down while you eat, and put the cover back on. Easy peasy. Propane lasts a long time and the refills are pretty cheap.
      Typically husband is pre-heating while I prep sides inside. He puts on the meat, sets a timer, comes in and does whatever is needed in the kitchen, and then goes out to flip it or take it off when ready. We can see the grill from the kitchen, so I don’t mind leaving it unattended.
      Gas is way quicker than charcoal. It’s easy to keep clean. They make plenty of small gas grills that are inexpensive.

   9. I also grew up only knowing charcoal and I’ve totally come around to the convenience of gas. We’re not’serious’ grillers, our family doesn’t have a super secret spice rub, were not even big meat eaters normally. Heating up the grill within minutes, having even temperature so not half the sausages are burnt, and being able to just turn it off when you’re done makes a BBQ less of a production.

   10. Charcoal makes food taste great but it’s not super-healthy for you.

       We have a gas grill and a charcoal smoker. The gas grill gets used a minimum of 2 times a week, year-round (we’re in a climate that can support it). We use the smoker maybe twice a year. It makes awesome smoked chicken but it’s a pain to use and it takes forever; it is not an aid to getting weekday meals on the table. We’ve used it as a grill as well and bottom line, it still takes longer and is messier than the gas grill. The burgers did taste great, though.

       Using a gas grill is not harder than using a gas stove – you turn the flame on, let the grill get hot, grill your food, and then clean the grill so it’s ready for next time. We get propane tank refills at a Walgreens down the street from us. You can do just about any food on a gas grill, including vegetables – stuff like zucchini and squash gets sliced in half and put directly on the grates; for other things they make pans or special grates you can put on the grill or you can be cheap like us and get heavy-duty aluminum foil and use that. We have many meals this time of year that are 100% off the grill because it’s too hot to heat up the house by using the oven or stove. Grilled chicken, fish or steak + grilled vegetables + bread (which we also throw on the grill, split in half and buttered and wrapped in foil, to heat up) is a meal. I am not sure how old your kids are but the earlier you start feeding them meals like this the quicker they will get used to it; our son has been eating meals off the grill since infancy. The gas grill will be way more versatile, easy to use and last longer than a charcoal grill. That’s what I would get in your shoes.

       1. I’m on team gas grill. I have asthma and the smoke from others’ charcoal grills is a problem for me.

   11. We have a Weber Genesis as grill with a side burner, so that we can heat up baked beans, cook corn on the cob, etc, all in one place. Also comes in handy if the power goes out – you can do more than just grill.
       My husband also got a Weber charcoal grill for Father’s Day (the $200 one) because he’s recently gotten into smoking meats, which he was doing on the gas grill. The Green Egg was just too much grill for us… not saying we wouldn’t ever get one, but right now, a $200 investment and a manageable sized grill (vs. a green egg that weighs like a bajillion lbs and are not cheap) is more our speed.

   12. I’m very firmly on Team Charcoal, for flavor and for awesomeness of fire and because it’s what I did growing up. Usually one of us grills and the other one is doing sides and/or serving drinks, if it’s a party, but the sides are also usually things like potato salad you prep ahead. But if we were doing grilled vegetables, for instance, one of us would prep them and bring them out.

   13. We live in Scotland so it’s wet all year round but get great use out our gas bbq. We would never bother with setting up a charcoal one (and we have a wood pizza oven we often use so I don’t mind some setup). When it’s nice we bbq all week. Have a look at grills with bits like a hot plate. You can use that for stir fry veg etc or to do fish. We usually grill and the so a mix of grilled veg, toast bread and spread with garlic butter, corn on the cob or just a salad. Usually my partner bbqs and I just pop in and sort a side if needed while he watches it.

   14. We have two grills, one gas and one charcoal (which also serves as a smoker). The gas grill is the weekday option, when we just need food on the table quickly. The charcoal is more of a production, which we save for weekends when we’re hanging around outside or invite people over.

       Husband handles all actual grilling, and I prep veggies for the grill to make salads with homemade vinaigrette. One I really like now is grilled corn (cut off the cob) and zucchini with cherry tomatoes, avocado, cotija or feta cheese, and a honey lime vinaigrette.

       We sometimes do baked potatoes on the grill, which would probably work for the kids?

   15. Gas all the way for convenience (turn it on, use in few, turn it off, done) you can also get wood planks for different flavors if that appeals to you for the smoky/woodsy kind of flavor

       1. Also we have a smoker attachment for our fancy gas grill.

       2. I have never had much luck with the wood planks or chips.

   16. We have a gas grill, a Weber charcoal grill, and a Weber smoker. The smoker gets used the least often because it takes all day and is really more of a “weekend project” type of cooking.

       Charcoal has the advantage of getting really, really hot. It also imparts some flavor in the food, especially if you use some wood chips. We use a chimney starter to light lump charcoal. The Weber charcoal grill is very simple and very inexpensive. We’ve had ours for 9 years, and it’s still going strong. I highly recommend the ash catcher that comes with the grill.

       When we bought our house last year, the previous owners left behind a brand new gas grill (maybe purchased for staging?). It’s the easiest for everyday cooking, and we use it most often. Honestly, it doesn’t do anything you can’t do in an oven or under a broiler. It’s just nice for when you want to cook outside.

       Sides can be cooked on the grill, either on indirect heat while your meat is on more direct heat, or on lower heat while your meat is resting. Or you can make cold dishes ahead of time, or warm up a prepared dish on the grill on low heat.

   17. I think of charcoal as the equivalent of a wood-burning fireplace. It is unparalleled for a certain experience but an effort. A gas grill, as a gas fireplace, lacks some of the detail and nostalgia of the original, but you can have use it effortlessly with the push of a button, so it likely gets more frequent use. Tradeoffs.

   18. We have a charcoal grill- I’m charcoal all the way, but to answer the question of how to make a meal of everything- I will often do a side salad or cut up raw veggies, or heat up a can of baked beans along with my meat, but we will also grill tons of veggies to go with our meal- eggplant, peppers, onions, mushroom, asparagus, potatoes, sweet potatoes, etc. And some times the side is a handful of potatoe chips.

9. I’m curious about hair transplants for men. My husband’s thin spot in the back has turned to a bald spot, and the change has really impacted his mood and confidence. We’ve talked about hair transplant briefly as an option, but he’s said it’s very expensive and obvious that someone had work done. I’m questioning this based on my own experience with cosmetic procedures (microblading, dental work, laser, face treatments, etc), but I really have no idea if hair transplants are a different ball game. Any information or resources you can point to would be great. For clarification, my goal is not to encourage him to get the procedure, but to have him vet the option more realistically.

   1. I know a few men who have done it, and honestly I think it looks really good. The technology and techniques have improved. He should at least go for a consult. I’m pretty careful with money – but I do spend on things that make me feel good, if I can afford it. Life’s short, you know?

      1. May I ask, does it still look good years later or do they end up balding around the transplants?

   2. As the wife of a man who complains about his balding spot but refuses even to use Rogaine, I advise you to say absolutely nothing.

   3. If my husband tried to get me to “vet the option of” cosmetic surgery “more realistically,” I’d be furious.

   4. No what this is absurd.

      Your husband is an adult man who has told you he is not interested. So never bring up getting cosmetic surgery ever again. If he wants more info he can also use google.

      Would you like it if you complained about belly fat, he suggested a tummy tuck, you said no, and then he came back with research on it?

      Youre being bad and gross.

      1. Reading my comment over I totally get the ick factor. To clarify, he mentions it a lot (daily) and often says he wishes there was a miracle fix. He’s said that a transplant isn’t a miracle fix because he knows someone who did it years ago and it was “obvious” but his coworker was also open about it so that’s also how he knew. My comment was really designed to see whether this is still true (also when his coworker got it around 2000 he said it was around the cost of a new car). He mentioned over the weekend that working from home would be perfect for the recovery time but that he wishes there was a better fix. I’ve stayed silent/positive on the hair loss topic but his dad and older brother both didn’t have thinning so they regularly make comments. We’re quarantining with his family so the comments have been more frequent lately. It’s meant as family banter but I’ve noticed it really impacts his mood and his desire to be in candid family photos.

         1. His family’s rude, inappropriate, shaming behavior is not a reason for him to have unwanted surgery. Besides the cost and appearance, I have heard this surgery is painful too. I would not continue on this road unless he is all in.

      2. + 1 million at the “would you like it” sentence

      3. It’s really tiring to read so many comments here that tear women down. Every time a woman posts for advice about something with her male SO, a bunch of people here jump down her throat and white knight for men who don’t need it. If you don’t have advice to answer the question then don’t post. Calling someone bad and wrong for wanting to help her husband is really awful.

         FWIW OP is not out of line. Her husband didn’t say, I don’t want to do this, he said he doesn’t think the results will be good. That could be an indirect way of saying no, or it could mean he’s open to it if the results will be worth it. Sounds like OP is reading his response as the latter, so let’s trust OP to read her husband better than we can.

         1. +1

            I think there’s also a very strong reaction to posts about ‘looks’.

   5. Is he complaining about his mood and confidence, or have you noticed he is grouchy? If he doesn’t want surgery, what about shaving his head (a lot of balding men do this), or baseball caps? What is his goal, and what is your goal?

   6. But why? He doesn’t seem to want hair transplants. Not everyone wants cosmetic procedures.

      Source: Wife of a mostly bald man. (He now shaves the whole head, and I find it super s3xy, so there’s that.)

      1. Just replied above but my reply is in mod. He makes comments about wanting to “fix” it almost daily but is under the impression that there are no good fixes. I find shaved/bald heads sexy, too! Hello Jason Statham!

   7. Some say John Gosselin’s hair transplant made him cheat on his wife. She encouraged him to get it.

      1. Oh. My. God. You’re not serious with this comment, right? If you are, please excuse me, I have to go pick up my eyes that have rolled all the way to the next town over.

         1. It’s a joke. She encouraged him to “get it,” get it. Y’all usually love your Ellens so much.

   8. I’m going to address your actual question! I lost my hair a while back (chemo), and learned so much about the world of hair replacement. They have these amazing wigs (basically…toupees) for men now. They are expensive – they need to be replaced regularly. But they really look great and are not detectable.

      I think with all forms of hair replacement there is a dated view of it – people think it looks “obvious” or “unnatural.” But that’s not true anymore – you can get really natural looking extensions, wigs, toupees, etc. if you are willing to pay. Basically every celebrity, including men, has some form of fake hair – it’s why their hair looks so good!

      Anyway, if you are in the NYC area, I can suggest a place!

      1. Thanks so much for your insight! And so sorry to hear that you had to learn all about this due to chemo. NYC or DC recommendations would be great. Thank you!

      2. I’d like to know of this place as well!

   9. My ex-husband had a hair transplant for his receding hair line. He was instructed to cut his hair very short a few weeks prior to the procedure (almost a buzz cut, but not quite). I could see the transplanted follicles / puncture sites until his hair grew out a bit, but I don’t think it was obvious to others. He went back to work in an office after 2-3 days. Once the hair grew longer, it was not noticeable at all. I thought it looked much better; he was disappointed with the thickness. In fact, I suspect he had the procedure again after we separated, as he had very short hair at our divorce hearing. His doctor recommended annual PRP injections to stimulate growth and a certain laser hat treatment – I don’t recall the name. The initial surgery was around $12,000. It was more painful than he expected, and his face was quite swollen, but recovery was not so bad.

      1. Yeah, I gotta say that this sounds terrible and painful. :(

         1. To clarify, it was the actual procedure he found painful. Afterward, he was swollen but he didn’t take any pain medication and he was active at home the next day. He doesn’t have any ailments, nor has he had any painful medical procedures for comparison. I think anything painful would have been surprising to him. Maybe I was not compassionate after years of fertility treatments, but it did not seem particularly uncomfortable to me, and he certainly wanted that hair more than I wanted a baby.

10. Following up on the convo yesterday re getting stout in your 40s . . .

    I read a WSJ article about how COVID-15 is a THING. And apparently not only are people going for elastic waists, but women are apparently also ordering more men’s clothing . . . for themselves. This is disheartening! I don’t want that sort of a shape!

    I guess I am in for a long struggle. And that daily wine will not be a part of it :( So ironic b/c I was happy that in Feb we moved to a new work site near the Y; today: no work site and still no Y (except an outdoor pool at their suburban location). Waah.

    1. Omg can you stop? Your negative self talk is gross and sharing it is rude.

       1. Yeah, I mean this kindly, but you need to work on your issues somewhere else. This pandemic is incredibly stressful, especially for women, and the last thing we need is someone posting about how gross it is that COVID-15 is a “thing” (if it even is) and that it’s “disheartening” that women would order comfortable clothes instead of self-hating their way into too-tight pants.

    2. I’m mid 40’s, own plenty of men’s and women’s clothing that I wear myself. Sometimes I like relaxed, sometimes not. You do you! Clothes in general are a bit more relaxed. I just tried on a couple of dresses I’ve had since the late 90’s-early 00’s and was tickled at the fact that they zip, and also a bit floored at how much more fitted the tailoring & fabric is as compared to something more recent. There is no give whatsoever.

    3. I mean it’s fully of my own doing (way more alcohol, eating poorly, not exercising as much), but yea, I gained weight and my clothes don’t fit. I decided to work with a nutritionist to learn macros and set up a 6 week meal plan, while I also work on upping my fitness game. I have also stopped drinking during the week. To try to set up best habits, I am more focused on the fitness and health aspect (and not having to buy a new wardrobe) and don’t own a scale. I refuse to give up even though it’s going be hard no longer being 22 . . . sigh.

    4. I’m COVID minus 10. I’m no longer commuting for two hours a day. Only once has a conference call included video of participants, and that was optional.

       What works for me is to put on running shorts, a sports bra, and a running shirt every morning. Sometime when work slows down or my brain fries out, I lace up my shoes and go out for a two or three mile run. Sometimes I do more after work (HIIT, a walk with my family, another run). It helps so much to be able to get my heart rate up in the middle of the the morning.

       1. Yep, I usually have a dead time around 10-11 am, so I do a HIIT workout video for about half an hour. And I try to do a half hour of yoga every day, and we go for a couple of miles walk several times a week (although this may decrease because it’s getting disgustingly hot and humid here).

          It’s hard with food available all the time, but one thing that does help is that I don’t pre-eat as much – like, I don’t find myself thinking, well, I won’t be able to eat for a few hours because of meetings, so let’s eat all the things now! I can eat whenever and I can eat healthier things that don’t need to be desk-stable, so that helps a little bit.

       2. Kindly, how do you function in a sports bra all day? I am DD (probably more like DDD with recent weight gain) and I can’t stand how tight sports bras are. I haven’t even been wearing regular bras lately.

          1. I’m a DD and I live in sports bras. Maybe try one that’s specifically for low-impact activities or go up a size.

             1. That does preclude the drop everything for a run part, though.

             2. Good point — I’m not OP and I don’t run. Long walks and yoga are my workouts of choice.

          2. I wore my moving comfort Juno sports bra all day yesterday. I’m a DDD right now.

          3. I’ve found that a properly fit regular bra is more supportive than a sports bras anyway and much more comfortable (also DD).

          4. I’m a 32DD or a 34D, so high-impact bras can be comfortable. I wear a M or L in Zyia All Star (sorry, MLM, but they really are great).

       3. Also COVID minus 10! I have been so happy to spend some of my extra time working out. And I’m making better nutritional choices because I’m not limited to whatever crap is in the office vending machine whenever I start to feel a bit peckish.

       4. COVID minus 7 here. Partly because I am no longer eating salty restaurant food while traveling (good), partly because I am walking the dog at lunch and not spending 2 hours a day in the car (also good), and partly because I’ve been too stressed to work out and seem to have lost muscle mass (bad).

       5. All of you COVID minus people are making me both sad and motivated. I am so incredibly happy for all of you, but I have been in the office every day for 12 to 16 hours a day, and taking work home on weekends because the pandemic has made work so much harder (staff is not allowed in and most functions they perform cannot be done remotely). I am amazed when I get through each week, so I have been completely lax on exercise — down from 25 miles of running each week to about 5. Basically, I feel like I have been in survival mode since March.
          I envy that flexibility to work from home sometimes. And now hearing how many of you are able to add in extra exercise during the day, etc., I am motivated to try to figure out how I can add a little more movement into my days in the office — maybe a few extra trips up and down stairs!

          1. You’re doing awesome – I used to work those kinds of hours a few years pre-COVID and just surviving is an accomplishment.

       6. Covid minus 20 here. And it is solely because I don’t feel like eating when I’m depressed. I needed to lose the weight, but really wish it had happened another way.

    5. As a counterpoint, I’m feeling healthier than ever even though I’ve gained a little weight. I walk daily for at least 20 minutes, usually closer to an hour, just for the pleasure of walking and not because I’m racing to the office/courthouse. I do yoga almost daily. I get more sunshine. I’m talking to friends one on one more often because I like to talk to people while I walk. I eat better because I can cook myself a real breakfast and make myself a fresh salad I actually want to eat for lunch. I’m less bored with my diet. I get fresh produce more often because I’m home all day for grocery deliveries. I’m getting more and better quality sleep because I can flex my schedule to match my natural cycle, and I don’t lose over an hour of my day to commuting and doing makeup/hair/looking nice. I don’t start out every morning frustrated with traffic and idiot drivers. When I have to drive, I’m not as stressed because I no longer have this negative association with being in the car. I’m feeling more balanced because I’m not surrounded by stressed people at work. I also don’t beat myself up over a 5ish lb weight gain, or hormonal bloating, because I don’t have to wear constricting, unforgiving clothes (like suits) that serve as an all day reminder that I gained weight. I might be a little heavier than I’d prefer, but there are so many other indicators of health and wellbeing that are a lot more significant than a few lbs.

       1. This is a lovely counterpoint – thank you for sharing!

       2. Love this.

       3. This.

       4. +1

          This is exactly how I feel about everything!

       5. Same!! Working from home is not always my jam, but all of these things you mention have been such positives.

       6. Saving this!

    6. FWIW . . . it might be useful to stop using the term “COVID-15.” It’s creating a label and an identity in you that is taking on a life of its own, making it sound like part of the disease that you somehow fell victim to. Work on thinking of it in a more useful way, such as, “During an incredibly stressful time when I was at home more and didn’t have access to my gym, I gained 8 pounds. That makes a lot of sense, given what I know about myself and how I respond to stress and lack of exercise. Now, I’m making small changes, and the weight will come off eventually; I’m glad I have some space now to make those changes.” (Obviously make this accurate to your actual circumstances.)

    7. Daily wine? I feel like I saw this before too. You were drinking daily wine before this?

       1. Yes and you made this same comment yesterday. It was weird and rude then and it is today too. Lots of us have a glass of wine daily. I’m glad your guilty pleasure is smugness instead.

          1. +1 I don’t know why Airplane needs to double down on her rudeness by posting basically the same comment AGAIN today. Please, Airplane, post some of your daily habits so we can pick them apart and denigrate you for them. I think it’s only fair.

             1. Nope, because none of my daily habits are directly linked to the thing I complain about every day and am trying to make other people think is A THING they should care about. Drink wine or don’t. Gain weight or don’t. But don’t make 2 bizarre posts in a row and complain when I bring it up. If you feel attacked because I question bringing up daily wine in twice-a-row posts complaining about weight gain during a pandemic, you should sit with that.

          2. It’s really not. It’s just odd to be “so disheartened!” about gaining 15 lbs in pandemic or the fact that women are wearing men’s clothes or elastic waists or getting stout in theor 40’s (???) when you are drinking wine every single day and making a point to bring up that you drink wine every single day in two posts in a row about weight gain. Are you concerned about yourself? These other women buying elastic waists?Covid weight gain being A THING omg? These are just both really odd posts. I’m not even smug about wine, these two posts are just so puzzling.

             1. Please stop.

             2. They are, and I don’t understand why she needs to post the exact same thing every day.

             3. Eh, I agree with Airplane. Tired of that one poster who is trying to make COVID weight gain something we should all be concerned about in multiple posts (and yes, I’ve scrolled on by for most of them, but we’re also allowed to comment even when it’s not a super positive one).

             4. I’m with Airplane here, it’s weird to have these posts in the same place. I feel similarly about my friend who complains she’s always broke but eats lunch out at work every day, picks up coffee at starbucks on the way to the office and often picks up an afternoon coffee too. I’m team buy the latte but if you’re spending $20-30/day on lunch and coffee, I don’t want to listen to you whine that you can’t afford a $75 concert ticket (obviously pre-covid). You can afford the concert ticket, you are just prioritizing lunch/coffee over it (which, you do you, that’s awesome, but if you really wanted to go to the concert, you could have brown bagged it for a few days and paid for your ticket…) If your wine makes you happy and you feel good about it, great! I love a glass of wine, too and really really miss it (currently pregnant). But don’t tell me about your daily glass of wine in the same breath as complaining about weight gain…there’s an obvious solution if it bothers you that much.

             5. I quit drinking wine and switched from coffee with cream to black coffee for months on end while being mindful of my eating and exercise and didn’t lose a lb. Added back my vices, and didn’t gain a lb. It would have been awesome and totally worth it if not drinking wine had been the key to losing some weight, but I wouldn’t assume it’s a factor.

             6. Anon at 3:13, interesting! I guess it’s one of the (many) things that’s different for people. For me, giving up alcohol temporarily has been the key ingredient for getting over any weight loss plateau. I’ve also lost a few pounds any time I do a dry month challenge with no other changes.

             7. It’s probably still worth a try!

          3. Not really – one of the things that convinced me my drinking was getting to be a bit of a problem (for me!) was that it had become an every day thing and I was disheartened at the thought of giving it up. It was beer, not wine for me. If that’s not you, great! Keep on with your moderating self! I’m 10 1/2 months sober now and glad I quit before it became a big(ger) problem.
             PS – Quitting alcohol didn’t do crap for losing weight, I’m sorry to say. For a while ice cream filled the void :-) I’m down 18 pounds now, but that’s due to better eating and exercise habits during COVID as others have mentioned.

       2. Is daily wine uncommon? I personally don’t drink but a glass of wine with dinner or to unwind after work seems perfectly normal and reasonable to me.

          1. Probably uncommon in people who are obsessed with weight like the OP is, just because it is a lot of calories.

             1. Is it, though? I looked this up and a glass of wine is 125 calories. That’s not exactly like drinking a milkshake.

             2. A “glass” is how many ounces? When people pour themselves a glass, is it really just one serving? I think it’s really easy to end up with more than 125 calories in a glass.

             3. A glass is 6 oz and I would never pour myself a glass that small at home haha

             4. Even assuming it’s just one proper pour of a glass of wine and not more (which, I never pour a proper sized glass), with a 125 calories/day and 3,500 calories in a pound, that comes out to 13 pounds over the course of a year.

             5. A glass is 5 oz. It’s 25 calories an ounce.

             6. I mean, wine is not especially rich in nutrients, but it’s not adding 13 pounds per year to everyone who drinks a glass per day. LOL. If you do it for 10 years you gain 130 pounds? You might be replacing healthier calories with wine, but you are replacing.

             7. Anon at 2:12 that’s not what I was suggesting, just if you’re looking to lose weight (as OP is), cutting out a daily glass of wine is actually a pretty easy way to drop 10 pounds over a year. It’s not as fun or flashy of a diet plan but there are tons of stories of people who gave up a very small habit that adds up to pretty significant gains over time. And alcohol calories are a super easy target because a lot of people don’t actually replace those calories. I say this as someone who loves a nightly glass of wine but honestly I attribute not gaining a lot of weight during my pregnancies to not drinking – those calories add up really really fast. If you replace the glass of wine with a candy bar it won’t have the desired effect but replacing it with a seltzer and lime will if you give it enough time.

    8. I get this. I was fine with being larger. All of the older women we see, now that I realize it, are older women in the shape of a younger woman. Helen Mirren is me at 19, but with an older face. Ditto the Super Bowl show of JLo (almost 50) and Sharkira (40s) — even 19 year old me wasn’t shaped like that, but they aren’t rocking the dad bod and it seems that we can mentally go from young to older and maybe go up a few sizes, but to change shape seems to fundamentally move us down the mortality chart a bit, closer to “old,” etc. Older was find as long as it wasn’t too different from younger, but that is a lie. That is not how it is for most people. I guess I am going kicking and screaming (or kickboxing and running and strength training), but mentally I wasn’t prepared for what my body is trying to tell me is on the way. FWIW, I am about 5 pounds heavier than I was at 25 but a world away in terms of shape — that is perimenopause for you. Do with it what you will.

    9. Finding an article to cite and then following up on a previous days post with your own negative take … why do you keep doing this? It’s not a homework assignment.

    10. I’d just like to say that my “Covid-15” weight gain was a win for me as it has evened out my previously lopsided breasts, lol.

    11. What’s a “thing” is that American diet culture jumps at any chance to shame people under incredible stress for relatively minor changes in weight. Stop collaborating.

        1. +1

11. Why is it that I can’t find workout tops with a built-in bra any more? I have been wearing them more on the weekend and also to do outside chores (helping DH build some stuff in our yard and clearing branches and trimming bushes etc.) and I spent a long time this weekend trying to find some – I had ordered the whole 2 that Athleta had on their website and neither of them was good (one showed side boob and the other one too much cleavage – I don’t want to be pulling on my top all day!). I ended up getting some past season ones on e b a y.

    1. The layered look is trendier than the all-in-one top right now. I suspect it’s at least partly because LLL and Athleta realized that they could make more money by forcing us to buy sports br@s and tank tops separately.

    2. I think this is one of those styles that cycles in and out, at least among the major brands. Have you tried amazon?

       1. I find them *so hard* to find anything clothing wise – I never know if the brands are legit or not and it has the too much choice problem – so I have stopped looking there for clothes. Search tips welcome!

    3. I think Old Navy has some. FWIW, I don’t think it’s because it’s more profitable to sell two items but because some women (a lot?) require more support than you get with a built-in bra. I have different levels of supportive sports bras depending on my activity and I always find the shirts with the built-in bras to be less comfortable (also different sizing is sometimes an issue).

    4. I think its because it’s trendy for workout bottoms like leggings seem to all be high waist now, so I am seeing “longline” sports bras that are at the “crop” level but have supporting bra pads that have taken the place of full length workout tops with bra built in. I don’t see a lot of workout tops that go to the waist and are form fitting and have the built in bra because people don’t want to wear double layers (full length workout top and the high waist legging) from waist to hip.

    5. I am certainly not someone who wears “trendy” clothes when I work outside so take this with a grain of salt, but I really like what I have from Duluth Trading Company for working outside in the yard/garden. Usually I don’t need a sports br@ since it’s low impact, but I sweat a ton. The DTC one I have that’s actually designed for outside work is amazing – it has grips on the bottom so it doesn’t ride up, it’s super long, it has a mesh portion between your b00bs so you don’t sweat as much there (major issue for me), has super smart pockets that I can actually put my phone in. I love it.

       I also have a cotton one from there I use for sleeping. Highly recommend!

       1. Thanks for the rec! I just checked out their site and ordered 2 tops and a pair of shorts. Excited to try them out!

          1. Good, I hope you like them! I used to always do gardening in just old clothes but it’s been a real game-changer to use smart-design clothes.

    6. I have a few from Prana that I’ve bought in the last few years – I’d check there.

12. How do you know if you’re coming on too strong in an early friendship (or other kind of relationship)?

    A few months ago I made a new friend. Still not sure whether there is romantic potential with him, but even if so distance/other issues mean it could not be until Covid is controlled, so while the thought is fun, it’s not a goal right now. During this lonely time it’s been very enjoyable to talk to him, mostly emails plus a couple video chats.

    But I worry that because I’m enjoying it so much, I might be…trying too hard. So I don’t write back more quickly than he does (2 – 3 times a week). My emails are sometimes longer and more detailed than his but I try not to go overboard. I try to keep the tone light and sometimes I sit on a response for a day before sending to make sure it’s not too much. He’s definitely not a wear-his-heart-on-his sleeve person, I’m a little more so, but I don’t want to make things weird.

    But I also don’t want to seem more ambivalent and uninterested than I am. I really enjoy talking to him about things, both random and important. I’ve been telling myself if he keeps writing back to me and doesn’t say anything like “can we slow down our contact,” that he’s enjoying it too, but I know people often aren’t direct or don’t want to make things awkward by having such conversations, and he’s not an old friend who I know would tell me if I was annoying them.

    Random example: he brought up a family member moving to hospice. I could say simply “hope the move goes well,” or I could write a long paragraph about how I coped and what I learned in a similar situation, happy to be a listening ear, blah blah blah.

    The main reason I’m worrying about this is that I’ve been on the opposite side of the equation with male friend who clearly developed an intense crush on me and was super eager, friendly, and attentive in a way that felt like too much and made me want to step back. It felt like a power imbalance in how much he wanted to talk to me…even though I had genuinely enjoyed his friendship before he got so crushy and needy. But he was trying so hard that it killed the friendship, forget about any possibility of more. I really don’t want to be that person.

    1. I expect you’re probably doing okay if you’re keeping pace with each other. By way of advice, based on your random example — split the difference between taking the new topic and running with it and making a comment that responds but closes off the topic. Note that you had a similar experience and share one part of it in a way that invites him to ask a follow up question or talk more about that topic. I think this is a pretty universally applicable concept — it gives the other person a window for further, deeper conversation on that topic if they want it, but it doesn’t demand it or overwhelm with info. So you could say, “I hope the move goes well! I helped move so and so into hospice last year and [touching/funny anecdote] or [I was surprised to find _____] or [wish I’d known ___] or [I experienced ____ emotions].”

       I’m also pretty verbose and my written communication can run long. Sometimes I’ll just own it (esp. when online dating ugh) and acknowledge it’s a lot. I will try to indicate that I’m open to modifying how I’m communicating if it’s not working and that he’s free *not* to mirror me.

       1. Thanks, that makes me feel more confident about things.

    2. I think you need to majorly majorly step back and assess. This isn’t a friend for you. It’s a crush and someone you want to make a love interest. So stop pretending you’re cool with being friends and do the hard thing and call him and ask if he’s like to go on a date once it’s safe to do so.

       1. Yes, this.

       2. I’m not saying this is wrong, but I don’t understand. If I’m enjoying interacting with him as is, why should I stop? Because it might turn out that I want to date him but the reverse isn’t true?

          1. If you’re enjoying it, why are you worrying about it so much? Because it might go away? Trust me, with a non-romantic interest, it’s not a thing to worry about keeping pace or whatever.

             1. It is a thing to worry about keeping pace and having balanced non-romantic relationships with new friends. Maybe not for you, but that is something other people think about.

             2. Thanks, Anon 12:34, I (OP) am starting to second guess myself but I don’t think it’s true that it’s only because I potentially have a crush on this guy that I am conscious of this stuff…it has happened with friendships with women too although I guess I haven’t felt SO much like I wanted the friendship to succeed in every case…

          2. Because you already want to date him and you aren’t enjoying this as a friendship you’re measuring out how often you can email him and plotting to make him your boyfriend.

             This is exactly how you wind up wasting 6 months of your life on a fake relationship you made up in your head.

             1. This is tough but honest. Really you wouldn’t be posting all the stuff you did if you really felt like you’d be perfectly happy if this was a platonic friendship.

       3. Sorry but agreed.
          Also, when I first read this post, I couldn’t help but think… none of this should be this much mental work. Be it a friend or a love interest.

          1. +1 this sounds exhausting.

          2. Agreed.

          3. Lol I worried about this with my now husband! It was fine :) I just had to learn that he texts in monosyllables to…everyone. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. I think it’s totally normal to worry about coming on too strong with people you like, friends and romantic alike, in your late 20s and 30s when many people are already set in their ways and it’s harder to make friends. I worry about it still sometimes with medium-good friends — is this something to share? How do I do it in a gentle way that doesn’t force their engagement?

13. Hi all – Sorry, kind of boring question that has been asked in some form a lot over the years but: we need a new car & my kids are at an age where I think it makes sense to get one with a third row or in some similar fashion can drive other kids around for carpools. What are your favorite, reasonably priced* recommendations? My kids are currently 4 and 6 and we tend to keep cars for years and years.
    *No actual budget necessarily, just reasonably priced meaning compared to other options the price is maybe on the low to mid side of it’s peers, or the features are so outstanding it is worth extra.
    **Sorry, I know this might seem like a mom’s page question, but I often get the sense it is moms with very little kids on there & I’m particularly interested in hearing from ladies that have had this type of car for the elementary + middle school carpooling years.
    Thank you!!

    1. I have giant children and have needed every inch of space in my Odyssey for years, especially in the summer (camp carpools), playdates, movies, etc. I have 2 kids, each of which has friends and I like being able to take the grownups all in one vehicle. One kid is just 11 but has been taller than me for a while. The second row is great for adults and tall kids and even the third row is much better than many vehicles’ back seats. Mine is a 2011 and still going strong; would replace with a newer one but can’t imagine needing to do that.

       Get the leather seats.

    2. looking for the same thing and have looked at the following Honda Pilot, VW Atlas, Hyundai Palisade. Loved the Palisade, but low inventory means no deals to be had. Same with the Kia Telluride. My friends with Pilots really like them though.

       1. I would get the Pilot over the Odyssey if you need AWL (WHY can Honda not put this on the Odyssey too?).

          If you have klutzy children and/or want sliding doors, Odyssey. In my city, you can get plenty of used options of each. Check Carmax for lazy/easy pricing and if you haggle, you may be able to get better deals at dealerships.

          1. WTF autocorrect?! AWD as in All Wheel Drive.

    3. My kids are 10 and almost 6, and we’re still rocking the 2012 Honda Odyssey. In fact, I posted about it a few weeks ago, with almost this exact question. :) I have been casually looking at the Honda Pilot and the Kia Telluride, but I don’t know that I can justify the extra cost of having an SUV vs. minivan. We also keep our cars for years, and my preference is to have something slightly older with a nice trim package than having a brand-new base model. (Obviously there’s a lot in between the two extremes, but my point is that we have never bought brand new, which limits options!)

    4. I just read a good review of the Wolkswagen Atlas with the third row seating option.

    5. If you go for a third row SUV, make sure you get captain’s chairs in the second row. Otherwise it’s really hard for kids to climb into the back, esp if they have sports equipment on.

       Speaking of sports equipment, don’t forget to check out the trunk space with the third row engaged. If you help drive a few kids to practice, that equipment piles up and you want enough space to hold it all.

       1. +1. And, check the size of those third rows. Several of my neighbors have Buick Enclaves and the back end is tiiiiny. I would not want to ride back there!

          1. All this. +1M

       2. Ditto on the captain’s chairs in the second row. I have a Toyota Highlander with that configuration and it’s handy for getting kids into the way back.

       3. I have 3 kids and would differ on this. We need the 3 seats across in the 2nd row so that we can fold down the 3rd row for vacation trips to get the stuff to go in the back.

          1. My Odyssey gives you the option of captain’s chairs or three across in the second row by removing the middle piece at your convenience. I have an Odyssey and a Highlander, and the Odyssey wins hands down. The Highlander back seat is just not super comfy for anyone over 4 and a half feet, which includes my 11 year old and all his friends.

    6. If you are just using the extra seats for carpool I would do the VW Tiguan with the third row. Smaller so easier to park and less expensive than the Atlas.

    7. My kids are 7, 5 and 2 and I love my Odyssey. I was firmly anti-minivan until I got the Odyssey. Everything about it just makes so much sense. Will likely keep on the minivan track through high school (or… forever? My parents still have a minivan!)

    8. Hmmm I have little kids but we have a volkswagon atlas (bench seat in the middle) and it’s been awesome. The way the middle seat is designed it folds forward and slides forward both which makes getting into the back easy. Highly recommend. Bought the most basic version and it was under $30k.

    9. We have a Honda Pilot, 2019. We used to have an MDX for about 9 years and sold it once it was having electrical issues (probably 12 years old? we bought it once it had been traded in off the lease). I hate minivans and wouldn’t get one so I only test drove SUVs. Our kids are 12,10,8.

       I test drove, besides the Pilot:
       New MDX (smaller than the old one, so nixed – not enough space in 3rd row)
       Subaru Ascent (too small in 3rd row, underpowered)
       Chevy Traverse (too small in 3rd row)
       Chevy Suburban (too trucky, clunky, plastic, giant turning radius)
       Toyota Sequoia (seat up too high, uncomfortable, too small in 3rd row)
       Ford Expedition (clunky, plastic, underpowered, super expensive, too small in 3rd row)
       Mercedes GLS 450 (used! Gorgeous, although smaller than Pilot, and too expensive)

       The Pilot was the clear winner – I sat in all of them in the 3rd row and it was the most comfortable, plus the seats are easy to put back and forth for the kids. We got I think the second to highest trim level, and it was still a lot cheaper than the other ones I looked at. My parents (who are 70) can get back and forth to the 3rd row. We have even put 2 adults and 1 adult-sized kid in the 3rd row and been fine.

       1. I also chose a Pilot and love it. I was driving a 2009 Accord with lots of miles previously, and the change in how it felt to drive was really minimal. The turning radius and length felt really similar. I am just sitting up a lot higher now. I find it very comfortable to drive. We can haul a load of stuff, though we don’t have that age kids (yet, number 1 here soon + 2 50lb dogs). I hauled my nieces, their mom and dad and a load of beach gear a month or so ago and there was plenty of space.
          I sat in the third row while my husband was driving as part of the test drive, and I think it is a fairly sizeable third row. You do lose a lot of cargo space with the third row up, but mine also has this sub floor storage in the trunk that holds a good amount of stuff. I’ve been very pleased with gas mileage, particularly using the Econ mode that throttles back the RPMs. It increases my MPG 5+ mpg on average.
          The Highlander hybrid wasn’t out when I was shopping, but I did test drive the Highlander and it was fine. It felt more top-heavy and tippy than the pilot around corners, but it was a fine car too. The pilot’s third row is larger I believe.

    10. Honda Oddessy or Toytota Highlander. We have had both and loved both. We currently have the Highlander. Only issue is if you have the third row up there is very little cargo room, so for that reason the van is better if you plan to use the third row and need room for cargo. We use a roof topper with the Highlander when we go on long camping trips that need lots of stuff or we make the three kids sit together in the second row. (The Highlander is nice because you can remove the middle seat if you want, so you have the option of captain’s chairs or a bench.)

    11. I have a Chrysler Pacifica with captains chairs in the back. I only have two little kids but my 6+ foot tall brothers sit comfortably in the third row. There is also room in the trunk and in the floor when all seats are up. The ride is smoother than the Odyssey in my opinion.

    12. Toyota Highlander (I’d get a hybrid if I could afford it.) Not a ton of space when third row is up, but it’s comfortable for me to drive as a 4’11” person:

    13. How long are the drives for these carpools? Do you just need to get kids in there for a ten-minute drive home (so they just need to be legally in seats with seatbelts and not horribly uncomfortable), or are you driving them to hockey tournaments six towns over?

14. I’d like to start a discussion about intuitive eating, which has come up as an afterthought on other posts but I don’t think that I’ve seen a standalone conversation. Anyone here practice IE? How has it been going for you and what are the benefits and challenges, especially these days? For me, the benefits are so numerous, especially during the pandemic. Being kind to myself, not trying to manipulate my body size in a time of stress, and allowing comfort food to play a comfort role have all helped a lot. Otherwise, I love how intuitive eating means that I spend a lot less time thinking about food because I don’t have a whole minefield of rules to navigate. How about you?

    Note: if you’d like to talk about diets or attempting weight loss, please start your own thread. Thanks!

    1. Isn’t intuitive eating just normal eating? As in you stop eating when you’re full?

       1. Google is your friend.

          1. That’s basically what Google says IF is. Why does eating normally need a label and a philosophy and a system of rules? This remindS me of the Baby-Led Weaning discussion on the moms’ page the other day. The essence of BLW is really just letting your baby feed itself, which parents have been doing for millennia. But it’s been laden with a million rules and obligations, such as never feeding purées, that just create work and stress and guilt for women.

             Eat a variety of foods when you are hungry. Stop when you are full. You don’t have to Justify every aspect of your lifestyle with a label.

             1. “Work and stress and guilt for women” are also major issues with food/eating for many. There’s at least one thread about dieting and weight loss pretty much every day on this site. It’s great if this is a non-issue for you, but that’s not all that common unfortunately.

             2. I agree with Monday – making it a Thing helps those who want to change their (maybe less healthy) habits. It’s like learning a new language – explanations that a native speaker would never require can be helpful to a newbie.

       2. If that’s normal for you, congrats.

       3. I see our poster who loves posting snarky one-liners (thinking it makes her look clever, when in fact the opposite is true) is back. She’s posted on nearly every post this morning. Were you on vacation, Anonymous at 9:59? Could you go back there?

       4. I asked this last week and everyone jumped on me. I don’t get IE at all. Many programs like weight watchers or noom offer maintenance programs if the concern is maintaining and not losing. Plus they have lots of advise on how to avoid stress eating etc.

          IE strikes me as just teaching people to be okay with being overweight and sedentary. Like the fat acceptance movement with new branding. There doesn’t seem to be an activity component at all. Like WW lets you track activity right alongside food.

          1. This post demonstrates you haven’t read much about either fat acceptance or intuitive eating. It’s fine if you’re not interested, but these are uninformed opinions.

             1. Yeah, she just wants to beat up on fat people. That much is obvious.

             2. +1. Anonymous at 10:43, people “jumped on you” because your questions were rude and your agenda was obvious. If you are really interested and want to have a meaningful discussion, try harder.

          2. Yeah IE is a sort of fat acceptance I think. While I generally don’t have any food issues I do lose my appetite in times of stress or sadness, if I followed IE I would waste away to nothing, forcing yourself to eat or not eat isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes our bodies don’t actually know what’s best.

             1. That is 100% the opposite of what IE would suggest during times of stress or sadness. I suggest educating yourself.

          3. Wow this is wrong. Go educate yourself before you post on this topic again.

          4. Huh? Everyone I know that does IE has lost weight. It’s very successful for people who have been yo-yo dieting for years (including people who had previously done WW off and on). I’m not a IE person but I’ve seen first hand how much healthier (and I mean in every sense of the word) my friends are who have done it. They are not the thinnest they’ve ever been but are consistently a healthy weight, don’t really fluctuate much, have a much better relationship with food and are generally happier.

             I’m not sure if you’re selling WW memberships or why you keep pushing it. There’s a ton of research out there that WW (or really any diet program) isn’t particularly successful for people in the long run. If it works for you, amazing! Keep up the good work! But statistics tell me that you’re the exception not the rule.

       5. ‘Intuitive Eating’ and intuitive eating aren’t the same thing. There is something called ‘hunger directed eating’, which is essentially about stopping eating when you’re full. Intuitive Eating is a process that has 10 principles, and it’s about making peace with food.

    2. I practice IE. One benefit is that I don’t count calories anymore (all the knowledge is still in my brain from years of calorie counting, but it doesn’t pop into my thoughts when I eat anymore).

       I still have significant dietary restrictions because of medical conditions, but they are black and white, so I still don’t really spend any time thinking about them. My impression is that my diet causes more stress to people around me who notice it than it’s ever caused me (e.g., declining a slice of cake at the office).

    3. I guess I must be an intuitive eater because it literally never occurs to me to have “rules” around food. I would find that very exhausting, and given my anxious personality, could see that turning into A Disordered Problem pretty quickly. I care for my body and treat it well. I wish I had more to say about it, but I really don’t. I refuse to diet; therefore, I also accept that I’ll probably be on the high side of the “normal” weight range for my height. It’s a fine tradeoff.

       1. It is different for different people. My sister struggles with her weight. We were having dessert at a restaurant once, and I was full so I stopped eating the piece of cake. She was like, See, I would NEVER just stop eating the cake even if I was full.

          So for some people, for whatever reason (and I think it’s innate, not some superior willpower thing, because I never really struggled with stopping eating when I was full, it just happens), the body’s cues kick in better and are easier to respond to?

    4. (Chorus of angels enters from above)

       I cannot overstate how helpful the actual book, Intuitive Eating, was for me. It is a radical transformation in mindset from really every discourse about eating and weight for women in our culture, so I actually re-read it almost immediately just letting it sink in. Expect to feel your mind bending. This was around 2014, and I have never gone back and am so grateful for that.

       I probably met criteria for an eating disorder previously. However, I would suggest that anyone whose weight fluctuates with dieting also has an unhealthy or unsustainable relationship with food, and the book says the same. For example, why would you need to do a certain weight loss program “again,” ever? Because its requirements and results were not sustainable.

       I used to be a few sizes smaller than I am now. I also used to be chronically hungry, have almost no body strength, and have to stress about whether my clothes fit because my size fluctuated. Now, for the first time ever in my adulthood (I’m 38), I still have clothes from 5 years ago that fit exactly the same. My size has not budged at all in response to quarantine. Weight is not something I think about at all, and I eat literally whatever I want whenever I want. My eating fits into my life, rather than the reverse.

       I am happy to answer any questions with my own experience, but to start, I strongly recommend reading the book and getting very critical toward diet culture in all of its forms. Good luck!

       1. OP here and same – I’m finally at the point where my clothes fit the same, including all my pre-COVID clothes, and it didn’t come from beating myself up or dieting like a maniac. It’s so transformative.

       2. I also recomment the blog fannetasticfood [dot] com/category/nutrition/. I realize I recommended her last week on a different topic. She is an RD who believes in IE. She has two recent posts about it as well as prior posts. She is simple and short.

    5. Hi, I’d like to start a self-congratulatory echo chamber where people who adhere to the same philosophy pat each other on the back. If you would like to engage in actual discussion, please go elsewhere.

       1. Nobody posts this complaint on the frequent threads about dieting and intermittent fasting.

          1. What? Anytime anyone posts about IF they get told they have an eating disorder.

             1. My comment said that nobody complains there’s a “self-congratulatory echo chamber” on such threads, which are very frequent. I haven’t seen these comments about eating disorders in IF, but that wasn’t what I was talking about anyway.

       2. This type of pointlessly cruel comment is why a lot of long-term readers are leaving this site.

          1. +1

       3. Eh, it’s fine. There are so many threads here lately that get derailed in ridiculous ways … and so many know-it-alls with absurd ideas, and so many people angry at the world and looking at someone to take it out on. I guess the last one is you.

       4. We get it, IE isn’t for you, so what? Let others get something out of it and talk about it? I never see these comments on the many threads about intermittent fasting. If you’re just going to pop in and say “omg isn’t this just skipping breakfast?” then just let other people talk about.

          1. It’s not the idea of discussing IE, it’s the way OP phrased it.

             1. She started with “I’d like to start a discussion about intuitive eating, which has come up as an afterthought on other posts but I don’t think that I’ve seen a standalone conversation.” I guess I just don’t understand how that is self-congratulatory or trying to group-pat-my-self-on-the-back?

    6. I practice Intuitive Eating and, unlike the ill-informed posters above, it has nothing to do with fat acceptance. It is also a very useful practice for those who are thin, deal with anxiety, and for whom things like tracking food and calories leads to disordered eating habits. Intuitive eating takes away the stress of food being bad or good, and one less thing to feel anxious about. It probably doesn’t work for everyone, but for me, who wrote down and tracked everything I ate for years in my twenties, it is incredibly freeing. I am not a survivor of an actual eating disorder, and obviously anyone dealing with that should see a professional. But for me, who simply didn’t have the healthiest relationship with food, it works. I now eat a banana because I want it, not a sugar free pudding cup because it had fewer calories.

    7. I’ve started down the path, but I’m still in the first stage of ‘unconditional permission to eat’. What I most look forward to is having my head space back, and also, after having entirely replaced my wardrobe several times due to size changes, staying at a stable weight.

15. What are some things I can tell myself to make myself move on from someone and a relationship that is not working for me? I am not the type to give up and it’s so hard for me to move on even when I see all the signs.

    Also, being all alone with nothing to distract myself is magnifying the situation.

    1. Cut all contact

       1. +1. Cutting all forms of contact is crucial. Just about anything is a better use of your time than communicating with (or online stalking) a dead-end love interest.

    2. I’m not sure I can articulate this right – but I think of emotional energy like a pool. There’s only so much in there. Some people will take everything you give them until you’re drained. Others will give energy in return, some others will give back more than you give them. If you’re giving all your energy to someone who drains you, then you have nothing left for anything else. Freeing yourself from this person – not just waiting for them to come around – will let you recover and invest your energy in a more worth pursuits, whether that’s a relationship or friendship or some hobby that you enjoy.

    3. Bluntly, if the relationship is not going to work, it’s not going to work. Trying to make it work prolongs the inevitable. It’s not a reflection on you; it just means this is not the right person.

       I wish I could tell my younger self to have spent much less time and energy on doomed relationships. It meant that I met my husband several years later than I otherwise would have. It also trained my brain to think that investing in romantic relationships is a waste of time and will just lead to more pain down the road, which is not exactly a great thing to bring into marriage.

       This was my situation and is probably not yours, but my controlling family encouraged me to invest all of myself in these emotional vampire relationships with men, and treated me like a failure if the relationship didn’t work out. It was incredibly unhealthy and dysfunctional.

    4. Find distractions. Start a tv series or a novel with a romantic leading man & fantasize about future idyllic romance in your life … just think of the possibilities vs the past.

       Also cutting your losses is a strength vs a weakness, see “sunk cost fallacy.”

    5. Some version of “the right plane can’t land if the wrong plane is hogging the runway” has helped me in the past. You aren’t “giving up,” you’re making room for something better.

    6. Do you think this might be something therapy would help? Feeling better about myself helped me to let go of a pretty unhealthy dating pattern.

    7. All of this! I stayed in the wrong marriage for seven years the first time and FIFTEEN YEARS the second time! OMG just, no. Being alone is SO MUCH BETTER than being in the wrong relationship. And there is somebody out there who is right for you but the magic can’t happen until you find the courage to leave (and definitely cut off all contact).

       The only way out is through. You just have to feel bad until you don’t any more. This time next year things will be better, but only if you have the courage to leave now.

       Hugs! You can do this!

       1. That’s over the top, SA.

          She didn’t say that her relationship was toxic or dysfunctional, just not right for her. No one is guaranteed love, so please do not tell people that “there is somebody out there who is right for you but the magic can’t happen….” That really is not true for everyone.

          1. OMG okay. I take it all back.

             OP, just stay.

    8. Try reframing the situation? And therapy can help with this, but you can also look up reframing if you’d like.
       Why do you see moving on as “give[ing] up”? Do you believe you could fix the relationship, or make the relationship functional (or even good), single-handedly?
       Could you improve *your* life by leaving the relationship?
       Could you see leaving the relationship more as a way to support you?
       I can’t promise you there’s anyone out there for you, because that is not how this works. I’m grateful, however, to not be self-isolating with anyone I’ve dated previously LOL.

16. Recommendation for investment advisor? Look for a woman in the DMV.
    Have about 250k that I need to wisely invest long-term.

    TIA

    1. If she puts you in mutual funds, make sure your fees are low and her choice options aren’t limited (or she is paid differently for recommending affiliated funds).

       If she puts you in stocks, that can really expose you to risk and you need to ask her why these stocks? If you are like me, you may not be able to invest in stocks b/c you or a family member is subject to insider trading rules or policies, so you have to set up blind trusts or give them what amounts to a power to churn (and earn fees / subject you to tax consequences).

       Ultimately, your interests and her interests aren’t wholly aligned and may be in open conflict, depending on how she gets paid. Ask her to explain all of this to your comfort level. I feel like I know so many investment advisors who aren’t good, expose clients to risks, and have lovely boats this time of year (and in a good market, they make $, so there isn’t a lot of diligence after the fact b/c people aren’t upset; it would be a challenge to be a good broker going into a downturn).

       1. thank you – this is helpful!

    2. For that amount, I’d stick to DIY and open an account with Vanguard, Fidelity or another online brokerage of your choice. Bogleheads is a good resource for basic advice, but all you really need at this point is a 2 or 3 index fund portfolio at ratios that gel with your risk tolerance. I’m 42 and have a little more than that, roughly divided 80% stocks, 20% bonds across several retirement accounts and one small taxable brokerage account. No need to pay fees to an advisor until my finances get a lot more complicated.

       1. thanks. I have that already. I’m looking for something different for this next piece.

    3. Vanguard Personal Advisor Services.

    4. Thanks. to be clear, i already have hefty investments in CDs and Mutual Funds. this is money that i would like to have managed investments and grow and see whether it is beneficial long-term.

    5. Hello Amelia,
       I work with Maura Schauss at Washington Wealth Advisors in Falls Church. She manages my investments for a percentage fee but primarily she’s my financial advisor. I can’t recommend her highly enough.

17. Is now a bad time to start a new job? I have an opportunity to take a job closer to friends and family, which is where I ultimately want to be long-term. However, I’m wary about starting a new job remotely and being able to hit the ground running when all employees are working from home probably through end of year. The company is stable, continues to hire in the current climate, and is flexible about the actual relocation (given covid). In an ideal world I’d wait until the pandemic is over, but I’m in a pretty niche area and opportunities in my hometown don’t come up that often.

    1. If this is what you want long term do not let it go. Who knows when the next opportunity make come in that location?

       1. This.

          It may not be ideal, OP, but I think you’re better served by focusing your energy on making onboarding as effective as possible, rather than letting the opportunity go and starting from the ground up. Congrats and good luck!

    2. Tons of people around me are changing jobs right now, so I vote for go for it.

    3. I think you’ve answered your own question. Unless you see a problem with being at the company (bad culture, job is a step down, little opportunity for promotion, etc.), then you start remotely.

       FWIW, I have always been remote from my manager and most of my team; I was hired on in an office that is 300 miles away from corporate HQ. There are disadvantages, but it’s not a huge crippling problem.

       1. Not sure if my comment was eaten. You are all right – I think I’m just trying to talk myself into it as I’m nervous about the big change.

          Job growth at the new company is a question mark. One thing I haven’t really explored the possibility of is working remotely (permanently) in my current role. I am well regarded and have a good relationship with my manager, but based on what I’ve seen with others on my team facetime / being in corporate HQ is valuable (at least pre-covid) and remote workers don’t seem to get the coolest projects so promotion potential would be limited anyway. New role is a slight paycut with COL differences but I can’t put a price on family and friends, right?

    4. I accepted a job just as Covid hits the states (mid Feb?) and started remotely in April. Then I moved to said job this month, but still working from home. I think you should go for it, especially if the company is stable like you said, and it gives you the opportunity to be where you want long-term.
       I was able to grab all the necessary equipments (double monitors, keyboard etc) so the home office setup is fairly comfortable. Some of the training is on hold because it’s better done in person, and I wish I could meet my coworkers but having the flexibility of working from home during a big relocation has been a godsend. Meeting with the movers, unpacking, organizing, all that could happen faster because I’m already home.

18. For those who are single – I’m about to turn 40 and so overwhelmed by the idea of doing life alone. I also know I won’t find anyone simply because I’m of a conservative minority faith and don’t want to marry out of it yet in said faith if you’re not married in your 20s maybe very early 30s, that’s it because no man or his family wants a bride who may or may not be able to have kids. I’ve been fine with this for years and am relatively ok with just going to work and coming home and making money. And yet recently I feel so empty and the idea of doing life alone overwhelms me — I don’t even have friends really just acquaintances who like me enough to have lunch with me 2-3 times per year and text convos but otherwise they have their families, prefer to hang out with others so kids can play etc. And recently despite making the money everything I think to do like buy a house or go on vacation (not right now of course) comes back to — why it’s just me, what would I do sit in that house alone? But then it’s like if a married couple had this much money of course they’d have a nice house or something more than a 1 bed rental or take nice trips. Is this depression? How does one fix this??

    1. Feeling similarly was definitely a sign of depression for me. Would you feel comfortable exploring some of this in therapy? “WHY BOTHER” is definitely a big signal for me; I tend to the catastrophizing side of things (if this, then this, and this and this and this, so I can’t do plaything about anything).

       Hugs.

    2. Yes this is depression. Please get help. You can be 40, single, wish you weren’t single and have sadness about it, but still have a life rich in friends and hobbies and meaningful volunteer work and travel and a beautiful home.

    3. Single and 36 here. When I bought my two bedroom townhouse, I had looked at single family homes and thought, no I can’t have that, what am I going to do with a house like that. Well now I wish I’d just bought the house. I’m really craving outdoor entertaining space, a little garden, not sharing a wall, lots of other things that go along with having a house. A single woman does not need to take up as little space as possible.

       I also travel/vacation alone. The value is what YOU get from the experience. You don’t have to wait for someone else to make your life worthy of being fulfilling. You are worthy now.

       1. All of this. If you want to do/have something, and it’s in your budget, do it/get it. Wanting a partner does not have to mean waiting for a partner.

       2. “A single woman does not need to take up as little space as possible.”
          This x1,000

    4. You want a partner, that’s great. Is it possible to find a partner in your faith who values you as highly as you deserve and develops the partnership you want? What if you widened your possible dating pool to men were raised in your religion but don’t actively practice, or men who believe in what you consider the most important tenants of your faith but don’t label themselves as that religion …

       Also just gather information by getting to know some new people in different environments than usual. Ask friends in and out of your faith about their dating experiences/how they met their spouse/ how they knew he was the one. Practice developing deeper connections with your friends by having a vulnerable conversation once in a while or trying a new activity together.

    5. Just replying with commiseration, so know at least that you’re not the only one who feels this way.

    6. It sounds like depression. I’m sorry you are going through this.

       But on your specific question — would you be open to someone who is also religious but of a different faith? Someone of your faith who is divorced or widowed? Someone who is not of your faith but is comfortable with it and willing to adjust their lifestyle accordingly (if there are food restrictions, holiday restrictions, etc.).

       If you happen to be in NYC, muslim, and open to an early 40s man who is not particularly devout but is muslim and from a somewhat devout family, I could set you up with my good friend.

       1. This. DH’s boss went from a crappy marriage in her 30s then divorced to meeting a kind moderately wealthy widower when she was 45. He’s 8 years older than her but super active (skiing and hiking vacations etc) His kids are nice to her and she has the big family holidays she always wanted.

    7. I’m guessing at what your faith is, and I certainly think it may be possible in this faith and others to find good men who are divorced or widowed and do not want (or need) more kids of their own. A widowed friend of ours recently got remarried to a 41-year old. Whether or not they have kids didn’t factor into the decision.

       1. Also, the grass is also greener. Kids are supposed to be everything in my faith, but parenting a large family is exhausting. A lot of parents have really had enough, and of course we can’t show it. We’re envious of people with no strings attached, not impoverished by paying for a large family and private school tuition. I know this doesn’t help much, but there are pluses and minuses to every situation.

          1. +1 I’m married but child free by choice. A lot of friends have confided in me that they don’t like motherhood and were sort of tricked by society into having kids. Their insta profiles are picture perfect though and no one would be able to guess how miserable they really are.

             1. This is really cynical, but when women complain about their lives, and then try to tell tell me that I don’t understand because I’m “NOT A MOTHER!!!,” I mentally filter it to mean that they actually really hate having kids.

                Alternately, they were promised that marriage + kids + nice house in the suburbs is the ultimate in life, and they don’t understand that all it means is that you’re not hurting because you’re alone and want to be partnered, wanting to be a parent but infertile, or wanting financial security but not having it. The rest of happiness is actually your choice. You do, in fact, have to take the ball the last yard into the end zone.

    8. I’m 35, not religious but from a culture where I’m also past shelf life because kids are unlikely to come from me. I vacillate between the loneliness and pointless feeling that you have, and the gladness that I don’t have to deal with another human 24/7 hah. I am in therapy and working on it. I find that when other areas of my life are great, I don’t dwell on the lack of a partner as much, as depression tends to seep and spread. It’s difficult to tell how I will feel about my single hood in 5 or 10 years but I do try to make the best of it now. Buy the house you want! It doesn’t have to be a giant mcmansion in the burbs, go for the 1000sf urban house. Space also doesn’t need to be occupied by another human. Fill it with your books, music instruments, arts, pets, plants, whatever you like. Travel solo and meet interesting strangers! I have married but childless friends that I travel with, but I also travel solo because it’s something I enjoy. I also pick up classes and hobbies for things I couldn’t do as a child (like swimming) because my immigrant parents couldn’t afford lessons so in a way I’m still playing catch up with life.

    9. I empathize so much with what you wrote. This will out me to friends IRL, but after almost 20 years of single living in small apartments I recently up and bought a mini “family compound” property on 5 acres in a gorgeous setting that is 1 hour from my office (if/when my office reopens). I moved my older parents, of modest means, into the “main” house and moved myself into the funky loft-like “guest” house – which is still more than 2x the size of my last apartment. I love looking in on my dad and mom for 5 minutes in between meetings, or having a happy hour drink with them before returning to my desk. My siblings and extended family are all excited to visit and gather frequently in such a great setting when COVID allows. Maybe in 20 years I will still be living here with 2-3 fabulous single girlfriends and throwing parties every other weekend or welcoming siblings, cousins, and their families for extended stays. It is empowering to walk around in the woods that I own with my morning coffee and envision what this place can become for me over the next 50 years, rather than mentally climbing the walls in my single gal apartment wondering why I work so hard anyway.

       I might be single, but I can still use my resources to foster connection and create cool experiences for myself and loved ones. So can you. Being single does not mean that you have to have a small existence or that you should just hoard your money because you have nobody to spend it on. My big fear as a single woman was not having enough money to pay for my nursing home when I got old. Well COVID has taught me that I’d rather enjoy the fruits of my labor while I can vs. saving up to live in a deathtrap.

       1. Wow, this sounds awesome. How nice for you parents too.

       2. Hello I would like to apply for the position of friend and roommate in 20 years! This is the coolest thing I’ve read today.

          1. Me too!

          2. Ditto!!

       3. You sound awesome. :) I completely adore this idea.

       4. This is amazing.

19. I keep seeing ads for thrive cosmetics. Has anyone here tried their eye brightener? I need an eye brightener but the one that seems to be everyone’s holy grail – the yves st. laurent- doesn’t work for me. Let me know if you have any recommendations.

    1. I like tarte’s fake awake.

20. Any resources or recommendations for decorating your home with indoor plants? I’m a long-time houseplant enthusiast, but I have basically had them all in the same (giant) corner every winter. I like how I’ve styled them there, but I want to expand to other places in the house. I definitely do not have an Instagram-style home which is what I see most often when I try to look online – the whole “all white walls with a monstera plant” is not really my style. I want inspiration for hanging plants, incorporating them into rooms, etc. I have kids but no animals, if that matters. I requested a few books from the library but no news on when they will actually open and I can get them!

    1. I keep mine outdoors and rotate them in when they’re blooming or otherwise looking interesting.

       1. Definitely jealous of this option.

    2. i like insta for things like this – if you google ‘instag** for houseplants’ there re compilation lists of the best accounts for houseplants. as an aside though, id recommend you honestly assess your light levels at home in different places before purchasing houseplants. i made the mistake of getting way too excited and buying all these plants which didnt get enough light from our windows because we have overhanging things near each window, and now they all live at my husband’s lovely small office where he has skylights and great light, and i only get to see them on weekends. sigh.

    3. This is probably more basic than what you seek, but my rule of thumb is that if a space looks cold or sparse it could probably benefit from a plant. If you are grouping multiple plants in one location, vary the heights and diameters of the containers and the plants, along with the texture of the plants (e.g., a tall spiky one, a medium-sized one with broad leaves, and a trailing one with lacy leaves).

       I suspect that my style is far more minimalistic than yours. I have one plant or small group of plants in each room in simple containers. Some of the pots are top-dressed with stones or gravel for neatness. No hanging plants ever because those give me flashbacks to the ’70s.

       1. Hahaha my wife and I are about to get some hanging plants for our south-facing windows! You’re spot on about textures. We cleared off one of those ladder-style bookshelves and moved it next to our west-facing front windows. We put some succulents, a big trailing thing with pink leaves, and a philodendron I am nursing back to health on it. I think it looks great and not too “done.”

          1. Ha, yes, my style could in no way be described as minimalist. I like your idea of looking for spaces that need a little je ne sais quois.

             I totally got inspired to do hanging plants after a friend shared a pic of her plant corner. I found a really gorgeous style on e ts y that isn’t too 70s. It’s basically a simple leather sling hanging from cords. The shop name is Keyaiira. Love the way it looks.

    4. IME, houseplants will only grow in certain places, because of light and airflow. I bet that’s why they all ended up in your one big corner! So before buying stylish furniture to hold a plant, I would set it on a chair or random box at that location for awhile and see how it goes.

       As far as fashions though, I keep seeing styled photos with kitchens full of plants, and I’m surprised how much I like them.

21. Talk to me about deleting social media. I use Facebook and Instagram. I am pretty sure social media is a net negative in my life, from the waste of time to the gratuitous comparing myself to others constantly. What is keeping me from deleting it is a fear of loss of connection. I don’t have close friends, so social media kind of tricks me into thinking there are more people I keep up with than I really do. I know some friends and family who have deleted social media and I hate to say it but sometimes I really forget about them. I don’t want to be forgotten about. I don’t want to be isolated. But I also feel like sometimes I plan my life from a vantage point of how things will look on social media, and I am not sure how to stop.

    1. Make a list on the notes app of your phone of people you ACTUALLY want to stay in touch with. When you feel like it, text those people just to say hi. I also have a couple of group texts for friends who are in group — it helps me feel connected in a casual way. Eventually you’ll end up with some people you text casually with — with some its almost every day, with others a few times a month. When I see a cool article, I send it to someone directly rather than posting it.

       I felt similarly to you before I deleted and it was hard at first. It’s been a year now and I don’t miss it anymore, ever, and my screentime is way down, and I feel much less negative about it. Some people I just don’t hear from or about anymore, but the people I care about most, I’ve stayed in touch with. And sometimes I run into the others and we have stuff to talk about because I don’t know everything already from social media!

    2. Honestly I’m in the same boat as you re not having close friends and I would not delete it. I think social media at least gives you loose connections to friends and that to me is better than no friends, even though I know they aren’t close. It allows some participation in a community, even though you may not see that community IRL. And yes the people that I know that have left ARE forgotten about and that’s fine for them because they have rich family and friend lives IRL but absent that I wouldn’t do it. Can’t you set boundaries — like on it only x min/day; not posting more than x pics/mo; not going someplace you aren’t excited about because it’ll make for a good post?

    3. I deleted Facebook and haven’t missed it at all. However, I’m considering leaving this site since I think it’s having a worse impact on concentration and mood than Facebook did. It’s kind of addicting to scroll through, especially if there’s an interesting conversation happening, but during this pandemic, I’ve noticed myself feeling short with other posters or getting defensive when I see rude comments, even when not directed at me. I would miss it more than I missed Facebook since I’ve been a regular reader for SO long, but I think it’s time for a break.

       1. I took a break for quite awhile and may do the same thing again. I like the conversations here, but I don’t like some of the cattiness. TBD. Maybe I’ll follow my own advice and take July off from here.

    4. Also don’t have close friends, but I deactivated Facebook 3 years ago now and Instagram earlier this year. I used both more than I would have liked to, but I wouldn’t say I was a heavy user.

       I definitely don’t connect with people as much, but I didn’t feel like the connections on Facebook/Instagram were meaningful and beneficial. They were mostly just tiring, tbh. I don’t miss Facebook at all. I reactivated it this past fall for about a week to share some big, big personal news and immediately found myself wasting a bunch of time without feeling any more connected. I felt really depleted after an hour on it- the constant political posts, the highlight reel, etc just exhausted me.I miss Instagram a little bit because I got lots of book recommendations, but I’m trying to replace that with an online book club (Modern Mrs Darcy). May go back to some posting on Instagram at some point (post COVID). I do NOT miss the influencer speak- some of my friends and people I follow desperately wanted to be influencers (or chronic illness insta warriors….) and I hated it. “Friends, I know we’re all struggling right now, and I’m holding you all in my heart….”

       I have a group chat with two friends of mine who I’m sort of close to, a somewhat consistent chat with a friend who just became a colleague as well, and I try to remember to reach out when I think of someone. I think people have probably forgotten about me, but….my law school classmates or people I met in college probably weren’t thinking about me anyway besides the one second it took them to hit like, so there’s that.

       You could try it for a period of time to see how you do- a month, or until Labor Day. Maybe try just deactivating one (whichever one you dislike more) and see how it goes. To be honest, I had a really hard time with it at first. I would find myself thinking “I can post this, with this caption, it will be great!” And it took me at least a month, honestly, to stop thinking in terms of photos and captions.

       1. Oh man, the influencer speak is driving me away from Instagram SO hard. My top offenders:
          – “I see you. I hear you.”
          – “Give yourself grace/I’m going to give myself grace.”
          – “I understand that I will never understand, but I stand.”
          – “I’m going to amplify ___ voices.”
          – “I will walk with you.”

          Good intentions, sure, but does it all have to be literally identical language?

          1. Blech. It’s all such bullsh!t language. Who talks like that in real life?

             1. People do. It’s horrible.

          2. Don’t follow influencers! I just follow my real life friends and I find it the best social media experience. I won’t delete Facebook but I check it briefly maybe once every other day and I never post.

             1. All of my relatives under age 60 have picked up the influencer-speak and virtue-signaling.

             2. When I was on Insta, I did not follow typical influencers, but I did follow friends who have the same chronic illness I do (which is the only way we can connect) and the chronic illness insta influencer warrior culture is STRONG with so many of them. All young women, many of whom exist in an Insta bubble of other “zebras” who want to “spread awareness!” and “inspire others to be their best selves, they’re differently abled, not disabled.” So it spills over into their posts. And it makes me stabby. So, I’m off Insta.

    5. I created a Facebook account at the beginning of the pandemic expecting that it would be full of personal updates and cute photos of people’s kids. What I found is that very few people post any original content of substance. It was mostly various relatives posting political screeds, including one who basically accused my husband and me of being members of the k k k because we happen to live near where an incident involving that organization occurred. The only personal updates were smug, hurtful brags from a mom friend who is not quite so smug and braggy in real life.

       I deleted the account two weeks ago. Deleting it seemed like a net positive until last night, when I attended a masked, socially distanced backyard moms’ hangout and learned that official information about the schools had been distributed exclusively through Facebook, and other useful behind-the-scenes information had circulated among the parents on Facebook. In ordinary times I’d probably have caught wind of some (but not all) of this information/gossip in the course of normal social interactions, but times are not ordinary. I am now considering reactivating the account and checking it once a week.

       1. FWIW Instagram has more of this – cute photos of kids and updates that are fun and personal – vacation, reno, houseplant, workout pics. I genuinely enjoy my engagement with instagram, YMMV if you find yourself annoyed by highlight reel comparisons, but FB is more crazy and I am in it purely for neighborhood buy nothing groups or meetup groups that only use FB platform.

       2. I have an account with zero friends and under a fake name. It only exists so I can see my gym’s online classes.

    6. I deleted Facebook about 3 years. My friends are still my friends even if they have to spend 30 extra seconds inviting me to an event or notifying me of a milestone offline — I definitely haven’t felt like I’m missing any of the important stuff. My only regret is not saving people’s birthdays before deleting!

    7. I thought about it after the 2016 election and did not because that is how my family keeps up to date with each other. My siblings both have multiples of small children as do several of my cousins and old friends and expecting them to keep up with texting, calling or emailing is not really feasible. And as someone noted above, the neighborhood/parent connections can be important.

       What I did to save my sanity was VERY CAREFULLY curate who I follow and ruthlessly block anyone who was a net negative. I love my uncle but his endless stream of pro-Trump, right wing crazy posts were driving me nuts so I muted him. Same thing with a bunch of people from Church. I kept my local civic association but left my neighborhood group (OMG – the thinly veiled racism and anti-renter bias!). Same thing with Twitter. I follow a relatively small list of people and a several accounts where people post pictures of their dogs. (Bunsen & Beaker amirite?)

       And I very rarely post myself. Maybe once a month, which means I am not living my life based on what it looks like on social media.

       At any rate, that is what worked for me.

       1. +1 I am a ruthless un-follower. The extra benefit was it made the whole thing way more boring so I don’t go on as much.

    8. Rather than deleting your accounts, what about just deleting the apps from your phone? When you have to “work harder” to access social content, you’ll naturally use it less.

    9. I deleted the Facebook app from my phone, but kept the messenger app. This way I can still send and receive messages, but I don’t ever look at Facebook itself.

    10. One thing I did with FB, when I realized that the only thing I used it for was connecting with my online mom group and an industry group, was to delete the app on my phone and then create a favorites link just for the FB groups. Now I pretty much just check the FB groups and don’t scroll the rest of FB. I think maybe for me it was helpful to think about what was helpful/ fulfilling/ necessary from my social media accounts and figure out how to cut the rest out. I think this method might also depend on your personality- if you are an abstainer or a moderator.

    11. I’m not on social media except Twitter, which I use only to follow writers (it’s big in that community) and organizations. It does not matter at ALL. My good friends know where to find me. It’s never been a problem. Enough of my friends are on FB or Insta to keep me in the loop about restaurant openings or art events or whatever. If anyone has big news, I either hear it from them or we’re not close enough for me to hear it, and that is fine! Part of what I hate about social media and the 24/7 newsfeed is the idea that we should be up-to-date on everyone and everything, all the time. We were not meant to be inundated with information like that!

        I find my gym on Facebook without logging in. I occasionally hate-follow a few random annoying influencers on Instagram by clicking to their page on desktop. It’s more work than endless scrolling in the app, but taking that extra step keeps me from losing myself in it and reminds me that it is NOT REAL.

        You can do it! Cut the cord! You will feel free.

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