I haven’t experimented with Fenty Beauty since it came out, and while I like a lot of their stuff, I don’t think anything has stuck as something I need to have — but I am dying over all these lipstick shades.
Everyone knows I love a my-lips-but-better color — a lightweight, wearable lip gloss that has a bit of tint — and I honestly want like half of these. I might try Cookies & Cocoa, but they all look stunning. (Pictured is Goji Gang.) I also love that they show them on four different skin tones.
Sephora has 10 colors to choose from at $22 each. Slip Shine Sheer Shiny Lipstick
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Workwear sales of note for 6.02.23:
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale has started! See our thoughts here.
- Ann Taylor – $50 off $150; $100 off $250+; extra 30% off all sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off purchase
- Boden – Sale, up to 50% off
- Cole Haan – Up to 50% off select styles; extra 20% off sandals & sneakers
- Eloquii – 60% off all tops
- Express – 30% off all dresses, tops, shorts & more; extra 50% off clearance
- H&M – Up to 60% off online and in-store.
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off “dressed up” styles (lots of cute dresses!); extra 50% off select sale
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything; 60% off 100s of summer faves; extra 60% off clearance
- J.McLaughlin – The Sale Event: extra 30% off
- Loft – 40% off tops; 30% off full-price styles
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty.
- Shopbop – Up to 60% off sale
- Sue Sartor – Lots of cute dresses on sale!
- Talbots – 25-40% off select styles
Other noteworthy sales:
- CB2.com – Up to 40% off; pop-up sale up to 30% off
- Joss & Main – Up to 60% off, plus an extra 20% off with code
- Tuft & Needle – Save up to $775 on mattresses (Reader-favorite brand; Kat really likes hers!)
- West Elm – Up to 25% off in-stock furniture; up to 60% off clearance
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
- Favorite comfy pants for an overnight plane ride?
- I’ve got a nasty case of tech neck…
- What’s a good place for a relaxing solo escape?
- What’s the best commuter backpack?
- I’m early 40s and worry my career arc is ending…
- I canNOT figure out the proportions in this current season of fashion…
- How is everyone wearing scarves in 2023?
- What shoes are people wearing to work between boot and sandal season?
- What’s a good place for a relaxing solo escape?
- What are some of your go-to outfits that feel current?
- I need more activities that are social, easy to learn and don’t involve extreme running/jumping/etc.
Do comfortable strapless bras for large-chested women even exist? I’m a 36 or 38 DDD, and I’ve never been able to find a strapless bra that I can actually wear comfortably. Have any of you well-endowed women been able to find one?
Also, to threadjack my own comment, I want to thank all of you who suggested gifts for the owners of the horse I rode that passed away last week. I ended up ordering a framed photo for them and a canvas print for me, both of photos I took of him. I’m hoping they turn out nicely. Thank you all for the suggestions and kind comments.
Have you considered a bustier style? I wore one with a fancy strapless dress and it was amazing. It was for a winter wedding though – not sure I would recommend it for summer. (Also, I am DD, so our experiences may be different.)
Stick’ums. (Official name, of course ;) ) I’m a DD and they’re what I wear if I absolutely must wear a dress that can’t accommodate a regular bra.
Can you post a link? I can’t find “stick’ums” and there are soooo many stickies on Amazon!
Natori Feathers worked for me. Not as comfortable as the non-strapless version, but it was more comfortable than most.
This is my number one tip. Do you have a balconette or half cup bra that you like and fits you well? If so, try wearing it with the straps at your side instead of over your shoulders. If it works, cut the straps off and make it your permanent strapless bra.
I find there are far more balconette/Demi cup/half cup bras to choose from than strapless bras, so you can more easily find one that fits you well and then just convert it.
To be honest, the straps hanging at the sides don’t add much, so i pretty much never cut them off.
Wacoal makes a strapless style called “Red Carpet” that’s not too bad. It’s actually supportive, and has silicone grips so it really stays put, but it gets somewhat annoying after several hours. It’s either that, or something that won’t support or stay where I need it, so I deal with the slight discomfort. Apparently they make a longline style which I’ll try the next time I need to replace mine.
I wore the Red Carpet this weekend for the first time. I am a 32F. It stayed up!
34G and the Red Carpet is my go to strapless. I usually wear it for events rather than normal day to day life, but it works well and is comfortable for my typical 4-6hr strapless wear time. It would probably annoy me if I had it on for 14 hours, though.
You may want to check our bravissimo for a phone fitting. I’m not sure what uk size 38DDD is exactly— likely a uk G cup perhaps? You may have to ask or search a bit online to find the American to European or Uk size I have a panache strapless bra that has removable straps and I’m an H cup. If you pursue their styles online they have a few strapless / convertible styles.
The key is making sure that you really have the right size. Go to abrathatfits and measure yourself with those criteria. I have a comfortable 32GG after years of thinking that such a thing didn’t exist mostly because I was wearing the wrong size.
I am sorry about the TB. It sounds like you are creating lovely memorabilia for the owners.
I have the Curvy Kate Luxe, which doesn’t budge and is fairly comfortable – I wore it from 7am until 1am at a wedding.
I wear the Wacoal red carpet and I’m a 36G it always stays up!
Ooh I love shades like this. I will definitely check this out.
YES FENTY. I love that the brand is being featured here. They have great products and a great social media feed.
Choosing makeup beggar
I would definitely try these shades, they look like they are moisturizing but also have visible color on darker skin. I know this is a choosing beggars statement but it is sometimes frustrating to me that brands that focus on diverse shades seem to showcase a pale skin tone, a medium tan (like Huda Kattan), then jump to an Alek Wek super dark skin tone. I’d venture to say majority of the non Western world and the middle class POC in the Western world kind of fall smack dab in between those three colors and it’s incredibly frustrating as a clearly brown but not super dark person, and I assume is similarly frustrating to our darker toned East Asian sisters. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to swatch on five or six skin tones rather than three. It results in me either not trying a brand at all or overbuying colors that half don’t fit me at all. I totally get not reflecting all skin tones on a lipstick swatch but to basically only swatch the palest,the absolute middle, and absolute darkest tones is also tone deaf.
Ok end my rant, but acknowledge it’s nice to even have choices as years WOC were often stuck with icy and makeup.
I bought two shades of the lip stain offered by The Lip Bar when it was featured here. It seems like they had many skin tones featured when scrolling through their colors. And the business is WOC owned.
I’ve been looking forward to the 4th weekend for several weeks, as my entire immediate family (several siblings) have been self-isolating so we can all gather as a family without masks/etc. The gathering is still happening, but my workload has suddenly exploded. I worked all last weekend and 14-18 hour days last week, and this week looks like it’ll be full again (injunctions/other major things that have quick deadlines). I really want to take time off this weekend but am having a hard time justifying my desire to be with family and knowing that 4-5 major firm clients have huge issues. I guess I’m just venting but if anyone has helpful suggestions to either a) deliberately unplug Friday morning and risk having a hellish Monday or b) gently let my family down, I will be all ears/eyes late tonight when I check this site again :(
Can you find a happy medium? Only you know the implications for your job/team of fully unplugging for 3 days, but what about at least blocking out a few hours each day so your family knows you will be available for lunch, not dinner or swim time, not board game time, etc.
I would suggest unplugging on Friday and Saturday and then plugging back in on Sunday. I think this is a good compromise and will let you get a true break, which you clearly need and is better for all involved, including clients. I find family to be much more understanding of “I will be here fully on 2 days but duck out on day 3” than “I’m just here for the food; way too busy to actually engage with you and take a break. It’s so hard to be so important. You are so lucky what you do doesn’t matter.” But this also helps set the table so you can be responsive on Monday morning when clients and colleagues will reengage.
I would try to do 3-4 hours each day and then spend the rest of the time with family. So maybe I work 7:30-11 and then have lunch through evening with the family without checking my phone. Or if there are young kids, volunteer to stay inside and “monitor the house” during nap time each afternoon. Even just an hour or two a day would help me relax and not obsess over the mountain of work coming on Monday morning. (With the caveat that I only do this at the busiest of times – I try to fully unplug for most vacations.)
This – can you get a solid four hours of work in at times your family isn’t at full force (i.e. early AM if they’ll be sleeping, late night if they retire early, or mid day if everyone takes some downtime)? My biglaw friend used to get up hours before us when we’d all get together and have clocked about four hours by the time we were all dressed and mobilized.
I think the key is to time box it. Worst is if you’re on your phone answering emails all day. If you can set your availability with your team/clients in advance, you’ll be in a better place.
So tempted by these, but the most makeup I wear these days is a swipe of eyeliner before masking up to leave my home, and just carmex around the house.
+1 I can’t imagine purchasing lipstick when masks are required for the foreseeable future.
I wear lipstick on Zoom because my lips look super pale otherwise.
+ 1. I do as well, or I look like I don’t have lips.
Yep I have a hairbrush and lipstick in my drawer just for Zoom.
Yes – the Zoom drawer contains lipstick, a hairbrush, some powder blush and a couple of bright scarves.
Once in a blue moon I’m wearing lip stain on a call. It’s a my lips but better shade but it makes me feel much more pulled together.
+1 to all these comments – a darker than normal lipstick, a mirror, and a comb now live in all the places I work from for impromptu zoom calls. Otherwise I look a bit like a floating ghost head…
The only people that have seen me in lipstick are my hubby and my doctor. I’m 100% masked every other place except when riding my bike. But I do wear it working at home because it makes me happy.
I had just gotten into wearing lipstick prior to the pandemic and build a sizable collection. I work in healthcare and they will likely all go bad by the time I don’t have to constantly wear a mask… Makes me sad…
I don’t really think they go bad. I have some pretty old lipsticks
Store them in the fridge.
its like refrigerating chocolate — once you put them in the fridge you can’t take them out and leave them in your drawer again, but have to commit to keeping them forever or they get funky with the temp changes.
I need some communication advice. My BF has complained that I tell him what he’s thinking in an argument (and that I’m wrong about what he’s thinking). I’d like to stop doing this; it makes him feel attacked and it distracts from the point I’m trying to make. The most recent example – BF and I were FaceTiming and I was talking through whether I should attend a good friend’s small, outdoor wedding (a week ago I thought it would be ok but now… idk). BF can’t attend either way. As I’m talking, BF starts making funny faces. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he thought he looked odd in the video and was making faces at himself. I told him it’s upsetting that he wasn’t paying attention while I’m talking about something pretty emotional. He said he was paying attention, he can do two things at once, and he doesn’t have any input or advice anyway so what does it matter. I said it comes off like you don’t care and it’s disrespectful to goof off like that, idk if you’re trying to lighten the mood but this is super not the time. He apologized for seeming disrespectful but told me he doesn’t appreciate me telling him how he feels – he felt like he was paying attention and did care. He asked me to continue, but I felt pretty derailed and just changed the subject. This is out of character for him, he’s usually very kind and empathetic.
In past relationships, guys have told me that I always assume the worst of them, and I think current guy might be headed in that direction. How do I communicate my expectations – and call out inappropriate behavior – clearly without being presumptuous about what’s going on in his head? I think maybe I need to work on my “I feel” statements?
Video chats are hard for everyone; months of video chats are a special form of torture. This does not seem like a hill to die on. At the end of the day, is there some deep-seated defense mechanism at play here? “You’re not paying attention to me / I’m not getting [need] met, so I’m going to fuss at you and cause us to split up before you can break up with me?”
Also, “call out inappropriate behavior” is a phrase I’d use with a puppy, not my equal partner in life.
+1 to your last sentence.
You went from zero to one hundred really quickly. Maybe accept that you were boring him and that’s okay? Even your boyfriend doesn’t owe you perfect rapt attention at all times.
This. I can totally see my husband checking out of a conversation like this because it’s really just me trying to talk through something that is swimming around in my head. Not trying to excuse the funny faces, that’s, uh, interesting, but he likely was just bored and not trying to minimize your feelings.
Agreed. Just b/c you are having s-x with someone does NOT require you to pay attention to everything they say. When I was dating my ex, I often got bored with him and could not wait until he decided to do something else besides hav s-x with me. He was also kind of sloppy in that department, leaving me with a mess to clean up so when he decided he had enough, I was more then happy to tell him to go out and I would change the sheets, even tho he was the one who mussed them up. So in your case, OP, do not fault your BF for getting bored with you. Chances are your converstation was not that interesting, and the only time you can expect him to pay attention to you is when you are doing stuff to him that he is focused on having you do. My ex never was distracted when I was busy doing that stuff to him. I would never do that stuff again, for him or anyone else. Ptooey!
If it’s out of character, I’d give him a pass.
Also, how about presuming good intentions instead of appointing yourself the inappropriate behavior police? I always feel like I wouldn’t want to be scolded for my behavior so I try not to do that to other people.
Not sure if it directly applies to your question but here it is anyways. During one of recent couples counseling sessions our therapist told us to watch a video by Brene Brown on trust. She breaks down different aspects of trust and one is Generosity which means that when the other party does or says something, you extend the most generous interpretation possible. It makes sense to me because no one wants to be with someone who always thinks the worst of them. Maybe you simply need to use different phrasing/words. The video could be helpful in case you think it might be a bigger issue on how you approach others.
I found the video to be very helpful because it gave me a good way to think about the root causes of my mistrust in my partner and also gave me the language to communicate.
This is one of the biggest issues I have with my husband. I often feel reluctant to share my feelings with him (especially things I’m excited about) because he tends to start off with questions or pointing out the flaws instead of just congratulating me or making polite noises. I know he doesn’t intend to come across as critical so I try to (as you and Brene say) give the most generous interpretation possible but it sucks! I know that I’m in control of how his response makes me feel but I get tired of managing my feelings all the time and I wish he could just not be a sopping wet blanket of negativity every g-d time. Would it a simple, “That’s great, honey!” be too much to ask for, just once? I don’t care if it isn’t sincere. FFS!
I obviously went on a bit of a tangent there. If you have any recommendations for resources, I would appreciate it.
Maybe your husband needs to work on his generosity, it does need to go both ways. I don’t know if it is how Brene intended but I think that this concept applies to things we all say accidentally time to time. For things that come out wrong and not in the way we intended while there is a history to show otherwise, not patterns of negative responses because that means the other guy is being a jerk. Example of this would be if you went to your husband 100 times and he was excited about what you shared but once or twice asked a question in a odd way that came of as being critical.
If your husband is negative all the time, he needs to work on that.
“How do I communicate my expectations – and call out inappropriate behavior – clearly without being presumptuous about what’s going on in his head? I think maybe I need to work on my “I feel” statements?”
You radically change your assumptions. You cannot ask people to be perfect all or most of the time. If these are decent men, then there is very little that you actually need to ‘call out’ on any sort of regular basis. That is not an appropriate way to treat adults whom you want a personal relationship with.
+1. Adults in mature relationships do not “call each other out” on their behavior; there’s always an opportunity for dialogue when someone does something uncool, but “calling someone out” is demeaning and insulting, and definitely will not contribute to long-term relationship happiness.
I will say, the BF seems kind of immature. Everyone (sorrynotsorry, LITERALLY EVERYONE) gets bored sometimes when their SO is speaking and their mind wanders, but making faces into the computer camera instead of just nodding and smiling and quietly zoning out seems strange to me in an adult. However, OP, you say more than one partner has accused you of the same basic attitude/behavior. When you get feedback from more than a couple of people about something, it’s a you problem, not a them problem. If you want a partner, choose a partner and be a partner. A lot of women have failed relationship after failed relationship because they see their partners as improvement projects (thanks, SA!) and think that it’s their job to apply the spit and polish this person needs to shape up and be the best person they can be. NO. You are not your boyfriend’s mother. Acting like his mother is a buzzkill, in addition to being wildly ineffective. If he has more growing up to do, you can observe that and also see whether he’s willing to work on it, but it is not your job to “call him out” on his behavior and enforce corrections. If a guy doesn’t figure out how to act like a grownup and respect you and your feelings, your move is “Thank you, next,” not “Let me see if I can fix this” and doing the emotional equivalent of spitting on a tissue and rubbing it on his face to get a smudge off. Ask me how I know.
Lol I love how everyone is jumping on OP. She should radically change her assumptions… to think it’s NOT shockingly rude to make faces at someone? She should NEVER call out a partner for doing something shockingly rude??? Sometimes we all need to be metaphorically smacked upside the head when we do stupid ish. If it’s a habit then DTMFA but if this is a one off then boy got what he deserved.
Being in functional relationships with another adult human being requires not just demanding respect for ourselves, but also treating others with respect. Please tell us about your long successful history of being in romantic relationships so we have a context for where your advice is coming from. If you think it’s acceptable to “metaphorically smack people upside the head” I think I can guess at what you might tell us.
Yeah, I’m really surprised at all the takes that presume OP is wrong. Like it’s entirely possible her problem is that she should choose better guys to date OR not leave the conversation open to manipulation/set better boundaries (such as saying I see I’ve lost your attention, let’s end our call and maybe talk about this later — then ending the call).
Nice straw man, Anonymous. Nobody is saying any of those things, but go off.
Yikes at the “straw man” poster who is here a lot responding to people with rude comments exactly like this. Can we consider a troll who should find another bridge yet?
I’m the Anon you’re ranting at, and you’re a straight-up liar.
You said: “She should NEVER call out a partner for doing something shockingly rude???”
I said: “If these are decent men, then there is very little that you actually need to ‘call out’ on any sort of regular basis.”
You lie. I’m calling you out, right now, for the way you are blatantly misrepresenting what I said. It’s right there in nice clear pixels for us all to see, and you are lying about it.
Dressing a tic-tac shape
I am becoming . . . more stout . . . as I age. The COVID-15 isn’t helping, but I am having less of an ingenue shape and more of an old battle-axe shape. I’m not sure where my waist went, but instead of being curvy, I’m just thickening in the middle. And, sadly, about the same cup size as my spouse (who is a man). Is it just middle age? Inevitable? Time to buy some of the Kardashian waist-trainers and slimming teas?
How on earth do I dress this shape (caftans and more caftans?), especially if we ever return to the office? Where should I start shopping?
Late 40s. Assuming it’s metabolic / pre-menopausal / likely permanent :(
I have been able to become more shapely, mid-forties, with resistance training. My weight has gone down but my shape has also become different. This is not a small project, though. It is something I have committed to for nearly a year now, with much room for improvement. YMMV. That said, I, too, am finding it difficult to find flattering clothes because my old wardrobe was perfect for the tictac shape I had been rocking and I really need to go to a mall to find my new clothing cuts. Ann Taylor, Talbots, and Lafayette 148 were my best bets before.
I’m not sure how helpful this will be buy something similar happened to my mom around 40, she had gotten to be about a 12 which is substantially larger than she normally is. What worked for her was no daily wine, oatmeal for breakfast, soup/chili/stew for lunch, no snacks, daily walk of about 5k. This works for her because she can eat a normal dinner and socialize with friends or my father. She’s back to her normal weight and size, about a 4 and has maintained it for many years.
*Daily* wine? Dropping that prob made a big difference. Liquid calories that don’t do much to satiate.
Post about one of your habits so we can judge it. It’s only fair.
43 and noticed the same thing happening early this year. Talked to my menopausal friends and yes, this is a thing. You don’t necessarily gain weight but the weight shifts to your waistline. Only thing that’s helped it is intermittent fasting (I do the laziest possible version, 12 hours a day 7 days a week), low carb when I eat, and weight lifting. I have to really watch my alcohol consumption.
I kind of love the idea that we could all shift to wearing Mrs Roper’s (from Three’s Company) wardrobe at every age & across the board. Probably our waistlines would decrease from the weight and maneuvering of all that fabric.
I’m down with this. Don’t forget the clicky-clacky bangles.
Request for thoughtful engagement/comments on this content:https://jbhandleyblog.com/home/lockdownlunacy
In an effort to stop dismissing things I would disagree with at a glance, I actually read through this one despite the annoying tone and other posts on the site. A friend sent it over, and while the arguments make sense to me, I’m curious to hear what others’ perspectives are. I haven’t made up my mind on it yet. Again, asking that comments are kept to this actual post since I’m aware that the author espouses other views that are not in line with my own.
Skimming, but I have long (since Marchish) agreed that the case fatality rate is low (.5% ish, here suggests lower still) but there will be a lot of deaths due to how easily it spreads. So, not personally worried. Also not expecting aging relatives to open their doors to me for a long time. Since the NYU study, I have bought into the idea that co-morbidity matters. And beyond that, no a lot I can do. I got tested for antibodies: none (despite lots of travel, conferences, and sporting events); I got tested for CV itself — also negative.
All that said, it is very disruptive to work FT with no childcare or schools or camp schedules/routines that change weekly (e.g., camp that switched to make half of the kids afternoon session for more distancing without checking to see which session meshed with our care needs due to having 2 working parents) and I will gladly stay home and wear masks b/c I need to work to keep a roof over my head and would at this point waive the white flag if I were financially independent (I’m not). Previously, I’d said that I’d keep working (but with a TON more candor) if I won the lottery — no longer. Stick a fork in me, I’m done.
I have never read this blogger before, and only quickly glanced at their credentials… not entirely robust.
Like you I haven’t made up mind yet. However, I’m in the epicenter on the East Coast and erring on the side of caution – I’ve been hunkered down since March 5. I only recently started going on walks at 7AM (masked) but haven’t been in a store/gotten takeout at all and haven’t seen family or friends in person.
I keep in mind my friends ages 25-39 who previously thought they were “young and healthy” and in the past year learned they were living with early stages of breast cancer, an undiagnosed heart condition, and MTHFR gene mutation that causes clotting if not checked on the regular. How many others in the population think they’re “young and healthy” and haven’t had an annual physical in the last 3 years?
More importantly, I keep in mind that there is a lot we don’t know. There are substantial accounts of “long haulers” … people who just can’t get “recovered” from COVID. They experience signs/symptoms for weeks and weeks. We also don’t know if for those who have “recovered” if the virus will lie dormant and wreck havoc in 5-10 years or later on in life. Risk worth taking? I’ll wait this one out.
Fact #6 is annoying to read because it’s outdated and only a partial examination of the issue. There are many PH experts talking about why government/industry should work on getting and distributing broadly more efficacious masks.
There is a joke among doctors that a “healthy” person just hasn’t been tested enough. Generally, look at blood pressure. If it is good, many other aspects of health are likely to be good.
This is exactly how doctors think, and they miss conditions that could be relevant to this virus all of the time. Doctors have no idea how many doctors and how many years it takes to be diagnosed with many serious medical conditions, since patients just move on and there’s no feedback loop.
I think this person is focusing on some very preliminary studies and wants to present them as best practice/established facts. Maybe some of the arguments will be proven true over the next two years of studies, but there’s a lot that is unknown about COVID-19 so I think it’s wise to err on the side of caution.
The Stanford study has already been torn apart.
Perhaps, but I was just reading today on the CDC’s site that prevalence from many studies in many cities is likely to be higher to much higher than reported #s. I don’t think they are wrong.
There are a number of studies finding about 5% of the studied population have had cases. Which is similar to the Stanford number and not high enough to confer herd immunity.
I agree that the fatality rate is low but a lifetime of covid-induced lung damage is a fate I would like to avoid at all costs. I lost a parent to lung disease and do not wish that on anyone. So maybe I’m being overly cautious but without a guarantee of full recovery after illness, I’d rather err on the side of caution.
Also lol at the praise for Sweden and Florida.
It’s too bad that the author feels the need to round down or round up all the numbers he cites to strengthen his position, and uses a few questionable sources, because I think the mainstream data is sufficient as it stands. I’ve seen almost everything he cited before, most of it is solid, and I tend to agree with him. There’s popular wisdom now about COVID and the most effective way to fight it, and what’s worth sacrificing to do so… and then there’s what the data says. The biggest takeaway I had from the Streeck study in Gangelt was the finding about surfaces. “When we took samples from door handles, phones or toilets it has not been possible to cultivate the virus in the laboratory on the basis of these swabs….” They took samples from the listed surfaces in homes where one or more actively infected people were living. But this did not change the conversation around risk of infection from surfaces at all, somehow. Instead that study was literally widely declared to be politically motivated garbage for underestimating the IFR, which they listed to be 0.37%, which is now totally in line with most other estimates that came in after it (and some criticisms of this study were retracted, which of course no one took note of). No one needs the Stanford study with its methodological flaws to make this point anymore. The only study I’ve actually seen on long-term damage from COVID is from Wuhan (DOI 10.21203/rs.3.rs-27359/v1) and is fairly encouraging. Probably some subset of people with severe disease will have issues lasting months or longer, but that is hardly unique to COVID, and it is a very small percentage for people below retirement age, no matter how many crazy anecdotes the NYT publishes. If you are over 30, your risk of death from COVID is similar to risk of death in that given year from other causes. I just try to live my life as normally as possible and defer to the people around me who are more risk-averse (wear mask indoors when I can’t keep 6ft distance, only disregard distance when the other person agrees to). Maybe the southern US shouldn’t have shut hospitals to non-emergent procedures for months while their COVID cases were very low, now those procedures are more urgent and the people needing them are more likely to have COVID in addition. Also it’s too bad that public health officials decided to mislead people about masks, now they can’t unring that bell. Turns out it can be disadvantageous as well as unethical to be dishonest.
So you are saying that if I’m over 30, COVID has doubled my risk of dying this year. That’s pretty disturbing.
People tend to get very scared when they hear something doubles or triples their risk, but if the risk is incredibly small to begin with, having your risk double isn’t necessarily that significant in terms of absolute risk. I don’t know the exact numbers but I’m guessing a 30 year old’s risk of dying in the next year is around 1 in 10,000 or something like that – is having 2 in 10,000 odds of dying really that much scarier? Not to me. Obviously if you have a 1 in 20 chance of something happening, and then your risk doubles to 1 in 10 that’s a lot more significant.
Yeah, if you want to look at it from a totally detached, emotionless perspective. But we’re talking about death here and it’s not irrational to be disturbed by your risk of *DEATH* doubling.
Long lasting post-viral syndromes aren’t all that rare generally, and in the case of COVID, there appears to be a correlation with milder symptoms and younger patients, not with severe disease and retirement age patients.
I agree with you completely. I often think about what could have been had the messaging been more consistent around masks and the danger or lack there of the virus to specific populations so people could appropriately judge their risk tolerance. The shutting of hospitals to “non-essential” (but still life sustaining/saving) procedures was also one of the more boneheaded policy moves.
I think how we handled the pandemic will take years to fully study, as will COVID itself. On the bright side, if this ever happens again, I’d expect there to be a much clearer plan in place, but it does make me furious at the number of lives lost (to COVID and preventable conditions – look at the statistics on hospital admissions for chest pain, for example) and the jobs lost that didn’t need to be.
Meant to ask this morning so if this doesn’t get responses, I may post again on a morning thread — has anyone visited/stayed with 70+ year old parents (or relatives) when they are NOT close enough for a turnaround trip? As in you must stay with them and they’re not going to let you stay in a hotel because they view that as unsafe. What precautions did you take beforehand?
Considering doing this before any of us head back to work. We’d stay indoors in our apt for 2 weeks — would still need to take out the trash, get the mail, and go down to our car in the garage but assume we’d do all of those things at off times (and trash/mail aren’t daily — it’s a few times during that few weeks; and car is just on the morning we leave). What else should we think about? Would you do it or no? We otherwise aren’t going anywhere or seeing anyone else now and certainly wouldn’t for that 2 weeks — so no socially distanced happy hours or walks with friends or anything.
We’re going to visit and stay with our 70+ parents next month. We’re going to get Covid tests a few days beforehand. I’m working from home and going very few places.
Could you arrange for someone else to take out the trash and get the mail in the interim? You probably don’t even need to read most of your mail, so maybe a friend or doorman could toss the junk mail and wear gloves to just drop the important stuff into a plastic baggie and hang that from your door handle a couple of times. If you have N95 masks, you could wear those for the walk down to the car on the day you leave and I think then you’d have like a 95% chance of not catching it before you go. Slightly higher chances if you just have cloth masks or surgical masks, but still the risk would be smallish if it’s just the one trip down to the garage and you could probably hold your breath, etc.
Mail – yes. We’re even thinking, when we do our last grocery run before staying home for 2 weeks, that day check the mail/clean out the mailbox completely and then just don’t check mail again until whenever we return. We don’t get important mail (bills) via paper anyway so it’s just cleaning the mailbox out to give USPS room for the next few weeks of junk. Then it would mean that we wouldn’t have to go down to the lobby/common mail room.
Trash – no. I mean I don’t have anyone that can come into my apt and take my trash out for me — why would anyone deal with my trash. And given that we’ll stay in and cook, we WILL have to take it out several times during that 2 wks and before we leave bc the last thing you can do in hot weather is let it pile up. Trash chute is on our floor — we go at off hours, when we hear no one else in the hall, and use a paper towel to open the door to the room and the chute and dump the paper towel w the trash and walk right back in, open the front door w a foot and wash hands immediately. I can’t think of what else to do about this.
As for the garage — no we don’t have N95s and can’t get them. So we DO have do go down a common elevator to get to the garage plus open one door handle. All I can think of there is – leave at like 7 am before anyone in the building is up and employees haven’t arrived so you get your own elevators (will still wear cloth masks); and use a sleeve/paper towel or glove for the door handle and then sanitize your hands before getting in the car.
I can’t think of any better ways to do this. My parents say I’m over thinking/they aren’t concerned about trash and a garage door handle and elevator ride as long as we aren’t meeting up with friends and going to restaurants (we’re not AT ALL). I just feel like these things (elevators; doors) WILL always be an issue but if we want to do this, do it this summer before we’re back to work etc. and otherwise what’s the option — not see family for a year when they’re 3 hours away because you’re scared of the elevator ride?
The science all suggests you’re incredibly unlikely to get the virus from a door handle or elevator ride. There are so many activities that are higher risk than those but are still “low risk” compared to things like spending hours at bars and large social gatherings. Also, gently, I think this is your parents’ decision to make as far as the risk to them goes. If they are fine with it, you shouldn’t stay home because you fear giving it to them (if you’re worried about your own health that’s different).
We’re in NYC and planning to do this in early August, taking the same kinds of precautions you describe. We will probably still go outside to the park daily because we have a kid, but we are pretty good at staying a ways from others when we go out (and we wear masks outside). For us bathroom stops on the way are the only other issue. I’m debating getting a COVID test a couple days before we leave but think that would be a great opportunity for exposure too (drive through testing is rare here) so will probably skip it.
We’re with them now! We were extra careful for the two weeks before but did still go out on walks (masked, socially distant walks).
My 70 year old parents have visited us twice since this began and are coming back for a third time soon. We live a pretty low risk lifestyle but we don’t worry about getting our mail daily, we get takeout/delivery food (we do reheat it), use curbside library book services, and we let our kids play on a playground near our house that is always deserted. When my parents aren’t here we also do outdoor meetups (distanced) with friends and trips to outdoor zoos, pools and more crowded playgrounds, but we cut that stuff off about 10 days before they visit. We have a large house and they have a separate bedroom/bathroom, which makes me more comfortable with it. Of course if my parents didn’t want to see us or wanted us to take more precautions we would, but their grandkids are the center of their lives and there’s no way we could ever convince them to stay away for a year or more.
I think do your reasonable best to wash your hands, wear a mask, and limit your social contact, get a COVID test a few days before going, and call it a day. At the end of the day, you can only take so many precautions, and over and over, the science says the most important things are the basic ones – wearing a mask, washing your hands, and staying away from people not in your household.
I wouldn’t do it, but I understand why others are going to even though there is risk. I get people miss their families.
But I likely will not see my parents in person until either the virus has truly fizzled out, or both me and them are vaccinated. I wouldn’t do it now because I don’t feel it is worth the risk to my parents (or me, or my husband) for these reasons:
-I live in a Covid hot zone – my county has had about 100k cases, and theirs has had less than 100. They haven’t had a new case in weeks. It is not unlikely I could bring it to their county unknowingly, affecting more than just my own family.
-I would have to fly there, or drive for four days and stay in hotels along the way; I don’t want to do that due to risk of exposure.
-My husband is arguably higher risk because he has T1D, so I would risk being exposed and bringing it back to him.
-My parents are in their late 70s, and although healthy for their age, my dad has a an auto-immune condition.
-I’m currently not going anywhere except for runs/walks and to buy groceries, and a very infrequent trip to the office to do things I cannot do at home. I don’t even like doing that for all of the above, and….
-I contracted SARS in 2003 in Hong Kong, and was hospitalized for several weeks. I was a robustly healthy 20-something. I had to be intubated. I had damage to my lungs so severe that I had to undergo respiratory therapy for many months. I was an avid runner before, but I could not run more than a mile for almost a year after I recovered. I still had lesions on my lungs a decade later. I understand that Covid-19 is a less serious disease with a lower fatality rate, but I don’t want any version of that again.
-We can just do Zoom for a year or two.
I think the situation is different if you must fly or drive 4 days with hotels and food/along the way.
Yeah, I commented above that we see my 70 year old parents, but it’s a 6 hour drive and infection rates are very similar in both our areas (below average for the US, but not like your parents’ area where they haven’t had cases in weeks). Having to fly (or drive with an overnight stop) or a wild discrepancy in infection rates would certainly change things for me.
I was resisting visiting my late 60s/early 70s parents for a while. I finally caved because I realized that I’m being more cautious about the virus at this point than they are so I felt like my visit did not pose a significant risk to them beyond the risks they already take. YMMV. But I still made sure to do absolutely no socially distanced friend activities (not that I really do these anyway) in the 2 weeks prior. I also think it’s important to note I did not take public transportation to visit them.
The original Scarlett
I think it all depends on your actual parents. My dad is severely at risk, but probably only has a few years left and doesn’t want to spend them without his family around. His attitude is “let’s be careful but get together because not seeing family or friends is no way to live” – we do backyard visits, take reasonable precautions, but also respect the fact that time is limited and we probably don’t have a couple of years to just wait this out.
Same, except he insists we eat inside. We wear masks to hug. I’m not going to deprive him of a hug when he doesn’t have much time left anyway.
+1. I think a lot of people here tend to be un-empathetic to the fact that older people have a much shorter life expectancy to begin with, and choosing to risk your life to avoid a year or more of total isolation is a lot more logical at 75 than it is at 35. No man in my father’s family has lived past 65. He is is 70, quite overweight and has (controlled) high blood pressure. He’s certainly high risk for Covid, but he also (pretty reasonably, imo) feels like he can’t just put life on hold for a year (or two or three, we really don’t know when, if ever, we will have an effective vaccine) because statistically speaking he probably doesn’t have more than a few years left. It’s so easy to say “just don’t travel for a year or two” or “just don’t see your family for a year or two” when you expect to have decades of life left to do all those things, but it’s a very different story when you may only live another year or two even in the absence of the virus. (I’m talking only about elderly people choosing to take risks that endanger themselves; I don’t think anyone, elderly or not, has the right to break rules or go out without masks and put others at risk.)
Wash your hands. Seriously. You don’t need an n95 to ride an elevator. You need to get from your apt to your car without touching infected surfaces and then touching your face before washing your hands and without being too close to other people. You need not to be sneezed/spat on. Wear a mask or other face covering to prevent yourself from touching your face.
If you go through all the effort you describe re: taking out the trash and don’t wash your hands, you are missing the point entirely. Masks are good. Gloves are good. Washing your hands and staying away from other people will really, truly, suffice.
Credentials: physician and public health professional
kdrama fan here too
I’m reading all of the replies above and am surprised. Don’t get breathed on, don’t breath on others, and use soap and water to kill any surface virus.
Now that I’m wearing masks all the time, I’ve realized a couple of things:
1) I would benefit from some eye makeup, particularly eyeliner. What’s the trick to wearing eyeliner but no eyeshadow, or is that ill-advised? I used to be a huge eyeshadow aficionado, but WFH has made me super lazy in this regard. I just want some definition, not a whole look. My eyelids are perpetually oily, so I’d love some recommendations for stuff that actually sticks around.
2) The combination of humidity and mask-wearing is brutal. My rosacea is looking terrrrible, after several months of being completely under control. It’s so irritated, and I don’t know how to fix it!
You could try trish mcevoy eye definer. Goes on with a brush. Put near lash line and looks great. Does fall some if used on bottom eyelid.
I’m also a TM user. I find that their eye base essentials give a nice nude look to the eyelid (your eyelid but better?) and help the liner adhere.
I’m currently using a liquid liner but I always put down the eye base essentials first. It’s basically liquid eyeshadow in a skin tone color that has a lip gloss type applicator. I dab it on with the applicator, then spread with a brush.
Yes for eye base essentials! I found a good knockoff in E.L.F. for about a tenth of the price:
You could do a standard pencil and smudge it out a bit and then go over it with a soft taupe or neutral eyeshadow. That’s my go-to makeup that doesn’t look intensely makeupy look. Taupes and light browns are light enough that if you do get the eyelid crease by mid-day, it’s not super noticeable.
I also have oily eyelids, and can’t wear eye shadow no matter what I do. You can definitely still wear eyeliner! I recommend a pencil (least susceptible to oil) directly into the lash line, the same color as your mascara.
I would try a light coloured liquid eyeliner. Liquid eyeliner stays put much better than pencil for me. But wearing black liquid eyeliner alone is a harsh look. I have an almay liquid eyeliner in a purple colour which looks good with my green eyes but it is more subtle as a solid line.
Another option would be the cream eyeshadows. I found Maybelline Tattoo cream eyeshadow in “bad to the bronze” from this s!ite and I absolutely love it. It is a subtle “my face but better” look. And the cream eyeshadow lasts super well.
I tightline my eyes on the upper lash line with brown eyeliner. Gives my eyes a defined look but is 1) super fast 2) super easy 3) natural looking. I’ve also used a dark purple color and that’s fun for a change.
I’ve worn eyeliner without eyeshadow every single day for the past 10 years! I use a kohl pencil to tightline my top lash line only — nothing on the bottom because it looks too heavy.
Those thick eyeshadow pencils are your friend. I wear a coppery gold around my eyes and smudge. If I want to get fancier, I take a darker copper brownish eyeliner and define closer to my lash line and smudge a bit more. This creates a softer look and is easy to apply and stays put.
I am a big fan of Perricone’s No Eyeshadow Eyeshadow. It is a liquid you paint on and smear and it just brightens without adding color. I wear this with liquid eyeliner, brown. I rest my elbow on the counter to put it on steadily, only above my eye, middle to outside. I use mascara and try to remember to curl my lashes. I had lash extensions before the pandemic. I miss them but I am enjoying the time and money that giving them up has freed.
Azealaic acid, from the Ordinary, has saved my poor rosacea face. Highly recommend.
This, plus I’ve been washing my face whenever I get sweaty (multiple times a day) with Aveeno ultra calming cleanser followed by their ultra calming moisturizer. I do a thick layer of Azelaic acid over my nose and other bad spots right before bed.
Are Lush bath bombs worth it? I love baths and wanted to up my bath game but am a little hesitant to drop $40 for free shipping at Lush. If so, any bombs you recommend? I think “Fruity” vs “floral” appeals (specifically citrus/berry?). Thanks!
We bought some for a winter vacation at a hotel with a nice whirlpool bath. They were a very lovely treat.
A lot of Lush stores have free curbside pickup. They are opening rather quickly. If it doesn’t let you order online, call up and they will hold the item for you and have you pay by credit card.
My friend just sent me a gift box from lush that contained two bath bombs. I did enjoy them and they felt luxurious and smelled amazing. The ones I had were I think meant to be lavender based, but they had a darker musky scent to them that reminded me almost of blackberry. I will locate and drop the link below to avoid mod.
Lush bath bombs are the first ones I ever bought, and after trying a few other brands, they are now the only ones I will drop money on. They are worth it! I also love to also buy the bath melts from Lush, and use 1/2 a melt with a corresponding bath bomb for a really indulgent bath that leaves my skin feeling great. For scents, you might like Honey I Washed The Kids.
They are nice but I don’t love that you end up with a lot of “stuff” in your bath (flower petals etc) and it doesn’t always drain easily. Not that it clogs up the drain, but the pieces can get stuck to the bathtub. Not so relaxing having to clean the tub after a bath lol!
so true, especially the glittery ones!
Thanks, everyone. I went ahead and ordered some… looking forward to treating myself!
need shaving help
I need some better razors and shaving gel/cream for my legs — I haven’t found anything I’m happy with. (I’d love to do laser hair removal someday, but that is not in the cards right now!)
I’ve been using the six-blade razor from Dollar Shave Club and I like it quite a bit. I was using Cremo shave cream and it was okay, then I got the Dollar Shave Club “shaving butter” and I find it a little slimy for my taste. So following along to see if anybody has any better options.
I like the eos shaving cream. It’s a similar texture to lotion but doesn’t clog my razor.
I learned about it here.
+1 I used conditioner once when I was traveling because I didn’t have any shaving cream and haven’t looked back.
I like shavemob a lot (the 6 blade model…the perfectionist), and it’s cheap. it’s mail order but they don’t endlessly spam you (and I do it without a subscription). also, the handles last.
I use the beard lube from Black Jack. It’s marketed for men but I like it because it goes on clear and I get to see where the razor is going to contact my skin.
Lana Del Raygun
Get a safety razor! There’s a bit of a learning curve but you get a better, less irritating shave, and it’s way cheaper (and more environmentally friendly) to keep a sharp blade. I use Col. Conk shave soap, just because that’s what I stole from my husband, but it’s quite nice.
I use dollar shave club and I use a bath gel applied with one of those net scrunchy things (bath puff?). I just need the lather and not so much any kind of emollient cream in order to shave, though I do slather on the Cera Ve body cream as I am drying off.
I love Billie! The shape of the razor is the best I’ve used for leg shaving – I did use another subscription razor service (Harry’s) for a while, and while the blades were really nice, the handle and blade design were not meant for legs/shaving. When I changed to Billie I could really notice the difference. Also, it comes with a magnetic shower mount which is super convenient. And they’re inexpensive!
I don’t have a razor rec, but the Trader Joe’s shave cream is excellent.
Pool or kitchen
If you had a choice between a kitchen remodel and an inground pool, which would you choose? No consideration of what value would be added to the home, just thoughts of which you would gain more from and why.
Do you have kids? Who would maintain the pool? Do you live somewhere you could use it a lot (e.g. Florida)?
Location would be a deciding factor for me. I’m in the midwest and would only be able to use the pool during the summer. Unless there was some way for it to be heated year round. But even if I was in a warm climate, I use the kitchen every day so I would probably go with the remodel.
Kitchen, 100%. I live in New England where its only warm enough (for me) to swim a few weeks a year. Plus I live near the beach anyway. Most importantly, though, I love to cook.
Do the kitchen and get an above ground pool. Lower liability. I might be inclined to do the in ground pool if in a hot climate, but not the Northeast.
I’d want to be able to hire someone to do the maintenance if it was an in-ground pool (too much of a PIA) and would be a little nervous about a child accidentally falling in/neighborhood kid sneaking in unless it was really secured/fenced in.
Kitchen. Better resale value. Less liability. More everyday use so a better cost per wear, if you will.
Please look into pool owners liability before you make a move.
Pool or kitchen
I agree about the liability. I’m in a weird situation where neither will add value to my older home (most purchased homes are torn down and new mcmansions are put up, and I have a double lot on the most desirable street in the area). Whatever I do will be for my own enjoyment.
Pool or kitchen
Thanks for the thoughts, keep them coming. I was a person who always said I never wanted/needed a pool, but the lockdown has me coveting the joy of swimming in my backyard, even for a few months each year. (Yes, I know a pool wouldn’t be ready until at least 2021, but…). And while a new kitchen makes sense for me, I am used to living with my old, beat-up yet functional kitchen.
Sigh, I know it’s a luxury to even be considering these 2 options right now.
I just put down a deposit on an above ground pool for spring 2021 for a total cost of less than $10k including electrician costs etc. It’s gray, and slightly more appealing in my mind than some of the beige ones with weird patterns that I’ve seen around. Yes, above ground pools are uncommon in my neighborhood but honestly who cares? Would you consider that and then you could still do the kitchen AND have a pool? You could also do the in-ground pool in a years…
Also check out Endless or Infinity pools. Above ground aluminum pools can also be partly sunk into the ground for a nicer look and still much, much less expensive than an in ground pool.
KS IT Chick
I am selling a house with an in-ground pool. I tell people who ask if they should get one tofu d a friend with a pool.
My DH loved our pool for the 12 years we have owned the house. We agreed that the house we bought when we moved would not have one. There is the cost to put it in, there are the costs that go with putting in a fence to keep people & animals out, the liability insurance policy for if a friend’s kid slips, falls and needs stitches in their head, and the ongoing maintenance costs, since the chemicals aren’t cheap.
If you do have to activate the liability policy, plan to fill in the pool. The cost of continuing the coverage will be prohibitive otherwise.
I loved the idea of a pool. The reality was very different.
+1, this was our experience also. We bought an older house with a pool and had to do some fixing on it to get it functional. It was fun for about 7 years. Then we had our son and despite having a fence, a locking security door and a security cover it was a constant source of worry after he started crawling. We also had to carry a million-dollar insurance rider to guard against things like someone slipping and falling on the deck, or people jumping our fence and getting into the pool when we weren’t home and getting injured (no lie). They can be pains to maintain (one summer we got a lot of rain and getting the chemicals dialed in to handle it was a constant PIA). The water to fill the pool was expensive where we were, the chemicals were expensive, etc. etc.
The pool developed a leak and we were quoted $25k to replace the liner or $10k to fill it in. We filled it in. Best decision we ever made. KS IT Chick is right – don’t get a pool, get a friend with a pool.
How drastically would you be changing the kitchen? If you’re removing walls, re-configuring the work triangle, adding miles of counter tops and pantry space, then I would go with the kitchen. If you’re just replacing old cabinets and counter tops, but not changing the function of the space, then go with the pool.
I remodeled my kitchen a few years ago, so I’m not in need of a kitchen remodel but I honestly don’t think I’d take a pool if someone gave me a free one. They’re expensive and time-consuming to maintain, can’t be used most of the year (I’m in the Midwest) and are unsafe if you have younger kids.
Same. And I even live in CA. We just did a house hunt and “no pool” was one of my specific requirements for these reasons. But to each their own.
Same and even if I found a pool desirable I’d take a new kitchen every time.
I’m in Charlotte and we have had two friends recently put pools in their yards, and a third who got a quote for a pool. The two friends each spent around $120,000. I have seen these pools, these are not like infinity pools overlooking some incredible view. They have the hot tub piece, but other than that, nothing spectacular. They also don’t have crazy steep yards/anything that required special engineering to put these pools in.
The person who got a quote for a basic pool, no hot tub part… the quote was $70,000. These numbers don’t include the additional liability insurance costs, landscaping around the pool, or the ongoing pool maintenance. I personally love cooking more than swimming, so for me, I will get more personal satisfaction out of a kitchen. And $70,000 (and certainly $120,000) gets me one heck of a nice kitchen.
Considerably less expensive and can be made to look attractive enough.
Go for it
Kitchen hands down. In ground pools are a pia from construction to maintaining to worry about kids.
The original Scarlett
Team kitchen. You use it every day and a lovely kitchen is just oh so amazing. There are so many pretty options, too. On a pool, they’re a PiTA to maintain, heating them is expensive and you probably won’t use one nearly as much as you think. Instead, I’d get some really comfy patio furniture and a fire pit to make an outdoor space you enjoy.
A pool, and I’m in New England. Our current kitchen is ok-ish, but if it were totally non-functional it would take priority. Though, said ok-ish-ness, 100% in ground, gunnite pool. We just sold a house with an in-ground. We took care of it ourselves (truly, not that hard) and it brought us such joy being able to host everyone in the summers. The incremental increase in our homeowners insurance wasn’t substantial, either. I think it’s generally over blown how much of a PITA pools actually are. Maintenance wasn’t all that expensive, either. Maintaining them took a bit of meticulousness that my Type A self was well suited for, but honestly we loved it.
I was discussing the topic of re-evaluating historical figures (I’m in the SEUS so this was about Confederates), and my more conservative friend supported it for Confederates on the basis of them being rebellious, but not for racism. But aside from that, she made a point that I’ve been considering ever since – she said if you want to apply that standard to historical figures, make sure you do it for all. She pointed out Margaret Sanger and Charles Darwin as specific examples of people whose work we celebrate but was largely rooted in racist thought. Sanger specifically worked towards “extermination” of the black population. Friend and I are both POC (I am South Asian, she is Black). and it was an illuminating discussion for sure.
No real question, I guess. Just something to consider.
No it isn’t interesting to consider. You show me the hundreds of statutes to Margaret Sanger.
EXACTLY. And the car bumper stickers.
I think many historical figures were horrifyingly racist and it’s hard to know where to even begin to deal with that. (Well, that’s not quite true — begin by including the horrifyingly racist elements when talking about them.) But in terms of taking down monuments, certainly “took up arms against the United States” is a bright line that should be easy to implement.
“Is the reason this statute was put up because of racism” is another.
Yes! And I’d say close to 100% overlap there.
Margaret Sanger’s writings are . . . I just cannot. Ditto Woodrow Wilson (I grew up near Princeton and the reverence for him always rankled me). Also, the Conscience of the Senate (WTF — was there no one else in the Senate when he was? WTF is wrong with people?!), Robert Byrd of WVA. Ugh.
Robert Byrd has a statue. Shouldn’t, but he does.
Defending Robert Byrd somewhat. The statement the NAACP issued after he died says it all:
Senator Byrd reflects the transformative power of this nation, Senator Byrd went from being an active member of the KKK to a being a stalwart supporter of the Civil Rights Act, the Voting Rights Act and many other pieces of seminal legislation that advanced the civil rights and liberties of our country.
On race, on marriage equality, on a whole host of issues people can and do evolve. I think Justice Kennedy said it best: “times can blind us to certain truths and later generations can see that laws once thought necessary and proper in fact serve only to oppress.” And that is my concern with taking down statues, renaming buildings, etc. Slavery was widespread. Racism was widespread. Homophobia was widespread. If we refuse to honor every slaveowner, racist, homophobe we are going to be taking down 90% of the monuments out there and renaming a lot of buildings honoring people who were complicated and did and said both genuinely good and genuinely terrible things. You don’t like the reference to Sanger (who does not have statutes but has plenty of things named after her), then how about Gandhi? Shall we take down his statues because he expressed some deeply problematic opinions on race and gender?
The Confederate monuments honor people for the sole reason that they defended slavery and rose up against the United States government. Robert E. Lee is not famous because he cured cancer, was president of the United States, or even gave a lot of money to charity. He is famous because he led the Confederate army. By all means, take down the monuments erected to him during the 20s. Take down the Battle Flag of the Confederacy. But once you start renaming things named after Wilson you are starting down a very slippery slope that I am afraid will be counterproductive.
Washington & Lee > Robert Byrd
This is a genuine question. What did you mean by your comment on Gandhi? I have not heard that he had questionable opinions on race and gender. Gandhi actually worked for the upliftment of so-called lower castes of the society and women.
For the person asking about Gandhi – he said a lot of deeply and horrifically racist things, particularly early in his career. He objected strenuously to the practice of lumping Indians with Blacks. I mean he literally wrote: “I venture to point out that both the English and the Indians spring from a common stock, called the Indo-Aryan. … A general belief seems to prevail in the Colony that the Indians are little better, if at all, than savages or the Natives of Africa. Even the children are taught to believe in that manner, with the result that the Indian is being dragged down to the position of a raw Kaffir [a black African].” And that was hardly all her said. And yes – he said all of that before he became the leader of the Indian resistance, but he was an adult and a professional when he made these statements and as far as I know he never distanced himself from them, although I will concede I am not a specialist in Indian history.
With respect to women, he mitigated a lot of his views as he got older, but he was very conservative about s*x (thought it should be for procreation only) and tended to blame women if they attracted attention. (He also asked his grand-niece among others to sleep naked in bed with him so that he could test his own commitment to celibacy – which since she was 18 and he was already a revered leader cannot really be seen as a request.)
Look, he was a great man. And he absolutely deserves all the statutes and accolades. But he is a good example of a person who cannot be separated from his times. Which is why I do not necessarily think we can judge people based on modern standards. The world has changed a lot in 100 years.
No, it was not only within the last 100 years that we moderns decided not to test our celibacy by inviting young blood relatives to sleep naked in our beds. I really disagree that standards among ordinary people have really changed that much over history. I think what changes more is who is in power and what they want us to give them a pass on. I think this is both why political affiliations and stances age so poorly, and also why political heroes can fail so badly by the standards of their own (or any) times.
There’s a big difference between how people talk about Sanger and Darwin vs. Confederate leaders. I have never heard the former brought up without the context of racism/eugenics, nor have I ever seen them held up as heroes or people to be celebrated even by people talking about their positive contributions to the world.
I think it is easy to go after the low-hanging fruit. If you go after it first, great. If you only go after that, it looks like when principles meet heavy lifting and principles lose.
I think there are people who are very distinctly Racist, and we should not celebrate them. But there are problematic people basically 1980 and prior, mostly because that was societal norm and what you were taught. So if we want to start removing statues of anyone and everyone who ever made a racist statement or whose theories were based on old racists ideas, we wouldn’t have any statues left.
It’s similar to the discussion this morning on Gone with the Wind. Is the book problematic in many ways? Yes. Can we still enjoy it as literature with our current context? Also yes.
I am not so worried that we won’t have any statues left. I completely agree that there is a difference for celebrating people specifically for acts or values that we no longer hold, or whether we celebrate someone who made contributions that were good, despite ugly parts of their biography. The decision to move on from revering the former is clear cut, the latter less so. In most of these cases, the person in question got a lot of praise for their achievement, they were usually professionally successful in their lifetime, had statues erected, awards or buildings named after them, or lavished with attention on the red carpet, and did allright for themselves, financially. Is there an amount of hero worship that someone is entitled to? Was the leader of a confederacy that lasted 5 years, entitled to 200 years of admiration, not just 150? I believe the answer is no.
Society evolves, and values evolve, why shouldn’t our heroes? Removing statues doesn’t mean erasing completely, of course. Learning about the civil war should remain part of the curriculum, but that’s not what we are debating.
Your friend says it herself, you’re celebrating the contributions of Sanger and Darwin, not the individuals themselves. Robert E Lee’s main contribution was fighting a war to keep people enslaved. It’s a lot different than contraception or evolution.
His post-war life was honorable. I want to be in a world that offers the possibility of redemption. Maybe with an asterisk. Not just re this, but with other things like criminal expungements, etc.
You can be honorable but not get a statue.
With very few exceptions, the statues of Robert E. Lee have nothing to do with his post-War life. His statue in New Orleans was removed several years ago. The only reason it was there was because Louisiana troops fought under Lee–Lee has no other associations at all with Louisiana.
As an aside, I found out while writing this reply that LSU’s mascot is the tiger because the Confederate troops from Louisiana were called the Louisiana Tigers.
What did he do that was so honorable? It seems like he was a college president and opposed giving freed black people the right to vote because he thought they weren’t smart enough. Maybe I’m missing something else?
Sanger’s contributions were BECAUSE OF her racism.
That’s very reductive.
The birth control movement seemed to like to put up nice white married couples as test cases but at its start, it was pretty ugly. It is fine that it lets married women not have 10 kids but Margaret Sanger really didn’t want some people’s babies to be born. And it isn’t like she was from centuries ago. She was more rest and should have known better but committed a lot of her beliefs to writing. Eugenics/racism is ugly stuff.
It’s true though.
Right, so what do you do with a person who was blatantly, even proudly, racist, but whose contributions have had positive impacts far beyond what she ever intended or imagined?
I don’t think she deserves a statue, but I also don’t think it’s worth our while to keep harping on how racist she was every time we take a BC pill. Just let her get buried in the sands of time with her awful views and leave her there.
Margaret Sanger’s stated purpose was to “exterminate the negro”. You can whitewash that as promoting “contraception” but that’s pretty f*cked up and shouldn’t be celebrated.
Feel free to start knocking down her statues as soon as you find them.
planned parenthoods? ok, will do.
Like another person said here – I think the first thing to consider is WHY this statue was erected in the first place. Many of the Confederate monuments were put up way after the war ended as part of a white supremacist/racist agenda and exist to further that agenda.
Has anyone dealt with dark knees and elbows and found an effective treatment? I moisturize (almost nightly with aquaphor) and exfoliate (with my facial scrub 1x/week), but it doesn’t really help. I am brown, so it’s just par for the course I guess, but I would like to at least fade it if possible.
I think it’s par for the course, but using sunscreen should help?
AmLactin has helped me with this.
Ooohh thanks! I had this in my cart and this confirmed “purchase.” – OP
And yes to sunscreen! I’m so bad at it for my body lol.
I have this as well (and KP, yay) a Salux cloth, used every time I shower, with a salicylic acid gel (face wash or dandruff shampoo) for physical and chemical exfoliation helps a ton. So does Cerave SA.
I moved a little over a year ago and now have a small (for the suburbs) yard that is sunken and surrounded by a 12 foot ish retaining wall that is 2 layers tall. The yard is probably 50 feet wide (the width of the house) by 15-20 feet deep. Currently it has a small awkwardly placed patio and some plants I dislike. Despite being sunken it gets good light. Overall its just blah and I’d like help figuring out what to do with it. I could just hire a landscape architect (and likely will) but before I do that I think I need to educate myself a bit more on the profession so I can be in a better position to help myself get a space I’ll like/ use/ and meet my requirements. Are there any books or resources about landscape architecture that I can read?
For me, as an avid gardener, reading books about gardening really helped me. If you have a south facing exposure with good sunlight for most of the day, that’s a space you want to preserve for a garden plot, or ideally a raised garden bed. Then build the rest of your space keeping that space for plants that need sunlight. Remember, trees can be lovely but they add a lot of shade where you may not want it, especially in a small space.
So clearly I lean toward gardening but there are lots of other things you can lean toward, like outdoor sports (bocce? A narrow badminton court?) or just lounging.
I would start with online inspiration. Bookmark outdoor looks that appeal to you and see if they start to coalesce into a general theme. Then maybe approach a landscape architect, because if you go in with no ideas about what you want, you’re going to wind up with someone else’s vision and not your own.
When we did our yard, I bought a giant stack of garden and landscape magazines, and that helped me figure out what I did and did not like.
The original Scarlett
I like the blog gardenista. I’ve also found that cafe lights/ string lights can fix almost any garden space and make it magical
Thanks all! Did not know there were garden and landscape magazines — will have to look for some!
Paging the person who posted on the weekend thread and was moving to Little Portugal in Toronto – I live very close to that area. Drop a burner email and I’ll reach out!
In the past few weeks, so many friends have been complaining to me about their anger, frustration, and resentment with people going out like COVID doesn’t exist and refusing to wear masks/social distance. They’re furious, and with good reason, but it’s gotten to the point where the rage seems to be consuming them.
While I share their frustration, I am finding it exhausting to hear how angry they are about something they cannot control! Why let these people take up space in your head? It’s similar to how I feel about Trump. I loathe him. I already know he’s going to say and do idiotic things, so there is absolutely no value in paying attention to him. I get my Trump news through longer-form articles from reputable sources. I don’t follow the guy on Twitter.
Similarly, I don’t need constant updates about people going to bars and concerts. I am aware that people are idiots. Does it help anyone for my blood pressure to go up every time a new news story is posted about them?
We can’t control other people, so isn’t there some solace in just… letting go? Focusing on what you can control (yourself) and not wasting valuable time and energy worrying about those who aren’t complying?
Nah, I’m tired of people who don’t social distance getting a free pass to do whatever while the rest of us are supposed to be serene about it. They actively cause us harm every time they step outside and their actions put my life in danger. I am allowed to be angry about that, but more importantly, anger can lead to change and send an important message to leaders that we need more restrictions and measures like statewide mask requirements, not piecemeal county requirements. I don’t want the only narrative to be “oh see everyone hates social distancing teehee pandemic is over” – our leaders, even if they don’t want to hear it, need to know that many of us want a decisive responsive to this pandemic.
To clarify: I do think there is value in not doomscrolling and paying attention to every inane update, but you asked whether you should let the behavior go. I think people need to practice self-care and not let the rage consume too much of their lives, but that the rage is completely justified and that it should remain alive in some form until it leads to action. If you want to argue that anger never leads to change, that’s a different debate and one I don’t have the energy for (after already having it with at least four family members re: BLM).
There’s a difference between anger leading to mass protests against police brutality that are leading to legislative changes regarding policing, and people complaining on Nextdoor (or this blog). What people are doing here, and what the OP describes in her posts, isn’t the kind of anger and activism that lead to change. It’s just complaining about things they have no power to change. It gets tiresome. If you told me you were doing something besides being angry and judgemental – you’re emailing your city officials; you’re writing letters to the editor; you’re doing what you can to educate people around you on mask-wearing and hand-washing – I would feel differently about it. If all you’re doing is shaming people online and justifying it by saying “My anger changes things!” – lady, please.
Yes, I am doing all those things (with the exception of writing letters to the editor – haven’t done that). I’ve also been the one to step up and advocate for a better reopening procedure at my workplace after three junior employees confided their fears about reopening to me. We ended up getting some modest improvements as a result. I feel good about what I’m doing; do you?
“I feel good about what I’m doing; do you?”
If you mean, buying masks for people in my neighborhood and my family members, wearing masks wherever I go, serving on a committee at my workplace to figure out how to make the office safer for the essential folks who have to come in to work, volunteering to pick up groceries for vulnerable people in my neighborhood, and maintaining social distancing myself? Yep, I sure do! Thanks for asking!
The people who refuse to wear masks and go to bars and concerts have a direct impact on my quality of life. If people aren’t wearing masks, I can’t go to the store. If the virus spreads unchecked, schools will remain closed and supply chains will collapse again. All of this has a direct impact on my daily life. So yes, I have a right to be angry.
Maybe they are promoting herd immunity. Or they are all trump voters and will die without masks. Don’t you win either way?
As I always say, I don’t care if someone like this dies. But I do care who they take with them on their way out.
Yup. We get to be angry that people are putting us at risk so they can go to bars. We don’t need to defend them or justify their behavior or discuss American exceptionalism. They’re assh*les, plain and simple, and I’m getting tired of people being okay with policing others when it comes to policing anger, but then being like “you can’t control others!!!!1” when it comes to the topic of mask-wearing.
And it’s not just the lives they cost (which are numerous), it’s all the collateral damage they’re doing to society. A year and a half of virtual schooling (and that’s a best case scenario, assuming one of the vaccines currently being trialed is shown to be effective and can be rolled out in the first half of 2021) will have devastating, lifelong consequences for millions of people, disproportionately women and children. I’m almost certainly leaving the workforce at the end of the summer because we literally cannot find any safe, quality childcare, and I know several other women who have already left due to lack of childcare. There will be many more if schools can’t stay open this fall. And kids from less privileged are suffering tremendously.
I think everyone’s missing the point that the anger is consuming them. We should all be angry, but a certain level it becomes very unhealthy.
This. Also, from a pure goal-oriented perspective, being too worked up over this is likely to be counterproductive to the goal of getting people to wear masks. I find I’m the least persuasive when I’m the most angry.
Well we certainly wouldn’t want to do anything unhealthy.
For those of you who regularly get 6-11 servings of fruits and veggies, what does that look like for you? Trying to get more and thus far I’ve had 1 zucchini, 2 cups of cherries, and planning a dinner salad with iceberg lettuce (i know, spinach better, but we have iceberg to use) and cut-up carrots. This feels like a ton and I’m at what, 5 servings?
Lettuce and spinach aren’t much by weight – you would need like 6 cups to get a serving. The others sound great!
I think maybe you aren’t counting your servings right. For the 10-11, I thought that 1 serving of raw fruits and vegetables = 1/2 cup, except that leafy greens = 1 cup. So 1 zucchini is 2-3, the cherries were 4, the ice berg lettuce is probably 2, and the carrots are probably 2. That brings you to 10.
I think most places frame it as a recommendation for 5-6 cups now.
But I eat a fruit and vegetable with both breakfast and lunch, and incorporate at least 2 vegetables at dinner.
It may be that your zucchini is 2 servings, cherries are definitely 2, an entree salad may be 2-3, if you eat a snack carrots that’s at least an additional serving. So it could be as much as 8 servings of veg.
I find it helpful to combine into meals, either sneakily or in a way I’ll truly enjoy.
– 3-4 cups of tightly packed greens (usually spinach or kale) as a I can fit into a smoothie. You can also add frozen cauliflower for a tasteless nutrition bump. And of course, fruit.
– Oatmeal. I usually sweeten with mashed banana, but also like to add grated carrot ( for a “carrot cake” flavor) or grated zucchini, which is tasteless.
– Pasta. Since I have gluten tolerance issues, I usually use a chickpea or lentil pasta, and add as many veggies as I have to that. Tonight, I’m sauteeing tomatoes, mushrooms, spinach, bell pepper, onion, and garlic, adding some pre-made sauce and boom. I also like to roast and add to pasta with goat cheese and balsamic.
– Eggs. I usually have eggs scrambled with 2 cups of veggies for a quick, filling lunch.
– Hummus. Try making hummus or dip out of any veg you have. Usually blend with some herbs, EVOO, salt/pep – it’s good to go.
And there always tons of baked goods you can add veggies to!
Fruit and veggie portions are smaller than you think. I include fruits and/or vegetables in every meal. It’s easy to eat a lot of vegetables when they’re cooked right into your meal, (think rice and beans with diced sauteed peppers and onions, or a stir fry with various veggies). I also have a green smoothie pretty much every day, which I make with spinach and whatever fruit I have on hand. I find that I don’t really like to snack on raw vegetables but I readily drink them in a smoothie.
I thought 5 a day was the guidance? 6-11 seems a lot to me! Did I miss something?
My sister died in January and left her husband, 14 year old daughter and 22 year old son. Right after she died I booked a beach house for a week in July so that we all (her family, siblings, etc.) could have something to look forward to. We all live in a state with a “massive outbreak” and will be coming from different parts of the state (about 12 of us). I contacted the owner and they said they’d give me a full refund. Most of the family still wants to go – but I’m so reluctant. We’ll all be bringing our germs to one location. I know the answer is probably I should cancel – but what would you all do?? I’m so conflicted – we all need this time. TIA.
Any chance you can just let her spouse/kids use it and everyone else bow out? If they’d want to go solo, it might be good for them since that is a huge loss for them (as it is for you, too).
+1 this is a great idea.
I’d go. I’m generally team cancel but you need each other. Unlike Naples Couple this morning, you need this.
If you’re all staying at home and are low risk I’d be comfortable with going. If your family members are out bar hopping or something that’s a different story. I’d also be more concerned with the local stats of your counties/towns than statewide stats. My state had a big outbreak but my rural township had only 1 confirmed case so far.
+1 I’d consider going if all were willing to commit to staying isolated so as to not unintentionally infect others. Could you book a more remote lake cabin instead of a potentially crowded beach area? I’m sorry for your loss :(
I’m so sorry for your loss. I would cancel; this won’t be the relaxing, peaceful meeting and period of connection that you all need and it could well lead to members of your family getting sick. Can you reschedule for next year?
i would only do it if i could trust that the other people had been quarantining for the 14 days prior to the trip + once there everyone is committed to staying home/the beach with serious social distancing
Could you all get tested before the trip? (This is assuming that where you live has easily accessible tests.)
I would if still go if everyone agrees to self quarantine for two weeks before and have minimal (and safe as possible) contacts on the way to the beach house.
The original Scarlett
Personally I’d go (since it sounds like none of you have complicating health factors). I take this seriously but balance it with the fact that life is short, family matters, and you’ve got really special circumstances. Like others, I’d probably be pretty careful the two weeks leading up to the trip, and I’d go.
I think some readers here are fans of the romance novelist Jasmine Guillory. That genre’s not my cup of tea, but I noticed an interview with her on Slate today and recognized the name from recent discussions here. The link is below, if anyone is interested.
I purchased her first book “The Wedding Date” last week and devoured it in two days after work. Now I’m ready to go out and get the next four and just read them straight.
Tea kettle shopper
I’m looking for a tea kettle with a seamless bottom and no plastic bits that touches water. Needs to work with induction stove or be an electric model. Smallish capacity is okay.
Genuinely not trying to snark, isn’t that pretty much every tea kettle?
Right…? Literally never seen a plastic tea kettle that goes on a stove?
OP, are you referring to an electric kettle with a plastic flippy-top lid?
OP here – most of the stove top kettles I see have a seam around the bottom, and most of the electric kettles have plastic windows or other plastic components that touch water. Chantal does make a kettle where the body is seamless, so that’s a good lead. Would appreciate more brands to research.
I have a Le Creuset stovetop kettle (Zen Kettle) which I think would meet your criteria.
I like the fact that the bottom is wide and flat, so it heats up super quickly.
So this morning our CEO told us that one office will be shifting to 100% remote in September, and I suspect the other one (mine) will do the same once our lease is up in the spring. It makes total sense, both from a financial standpoint and a public health one, but I’m just so sad. I don’t enjoy working from home. I did it before and hated the isolation, so when I got this job I was thrilled to be back in an office. I like the commute time, when it’s just me and NPR and my thoughts. I like dressing up for work. I like adult conversation and office traditions and watercooler talk. And working from home just feels like a slog. I’m realizing that I may not work in an office again for a long time, and when I do it won’t be the same, and I’m having to process some grief about it. I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling this; anyone have insights or advice?
(I should say: I realize I’m staggeringly fortunate to still have a job, and to have one that can pivot to WFH so easily. I’m not taking that for granted. And I’m only giving myself today to feel bad about this, and tomorrow I’ll force myself to find the silver lining here. But for today, I’m just sad.)
Commiseration. I got word of this a few weeks ago and was surprised how hard I took it, because I’ve always enjoyed the flexibility to work from home when I want. But there’s something so final about knowing I will likely never return to an office, will never see my colleagues again, etc. I’m an introvert who doesn’t have a lot of close friends locally so going to work and talking to colleagues was pretty much the only interaction I had with an adult who’s not my husband on a regular basis. My husband also works from home most of the time and being together in the house 24/7 has been REALLY hard. I love him, but I do not want to spend this much time with any one person, including him. I definitely felt something resembling grief, and I don’t think the fact that you’re fortunate to still have a job means you can’t feel that grief.
I feel the same, as I sit here and work in a tank top and shorts. I miss wearing suits and dresses. I miss seeing other adults. I don’t have any advice, just commiseration. Hugs!
Commiseration from me, too! I like the option to work from home but it’s tough for me and I thrive off of in person interactions with my colleagues. No real advice except… do every thing you can possibly do to make WFH great for you, and/or look for a new job :/ (I know.)
Bellatrix – It is sad for you that you won’t be in the office, even though you – and a lot of us lucky 25% of the US workforce – can work from home. I realize that I like wearing pretty suit jackets, lovely wool work items, fun jewelry and my boots! And I’ll miss them.
There’s an ad on TV for Audible where the woman goes on her commute, listens to her book and then walks back in and her male partner says something like “Why is your commute so long when you work from home?” Implying that she likes Audible so much she still commutes even though she works at home. That got me thinking that you need to build in routines. These may not be possible now but later…we hope!
Maybe it’s getting up early and walking to Starbucks and reading emails on your phone there. Or getting up early and going to the gym. I miss my bike ride to work, so I’ve been riding to the local drugstore or market after work instead of driving.
And then end of day routines like going to an in-person class like art or pottery or Spanish lessons. Walking to the park and sitting in the sun. Going to a rock climbing studio. Cooking classes. Hiking, skiing, kayaking, sailing classes.
Volunteer events where you develop a long term commitment might be good. My sister volunteers at the food back for four hours every week and has for 5+ years. She’s younger than some of the people but they have a good time. Political candidates, get out the vote events, Meals on Wheels, cleaning up beaches. There are things out there that might be interesting.
You may need to build in working lunches with coworkers if possible, or go to networking events. Or meet coworkers for drinks.
You may develop a new group of friends at the gym or the rock climbing wall. You may become known to the baristas and get person to person interaction there.
Book clubs, knitting clubs.
All of this sounds so hard now during the pandemic but someday you’ll be able to do these things even though you work at home. A new normal will develop.
I don’t mind WFH, but I had a very hard time with it when I was told I needed to until a vaccine. It spiked what had been some low-level depression to meaningful levels for a couple weeks. I like creating a routine, because I know it helps me in “regular” life. So I’ve tried hard to do that, even though everything has changed.
Georgia the state
Ladies, talk to me about laser removal. I have dark brown hair and would like to tackle the gardening area as well as my arm pits. Caveat- I’m really finicky around pain. Is it really as they show in the movies and any recs on the latest technology to use/websites forums to get started reading? Thank you!
I had it done on my pits a few years ago, and it was amazing. I only did three sessions, which wasn’t enough to remove all the hair, but what’s there is much finer and less noticeable, so if I get around to finishing the series I should get the full effect. It really doesn’t hurt; I’d heard it described as a rubber band snap, and that was about right. Dark hair and fair skin is supposed to be the sweet spot for laser hair removal — that’s what I have and it worked well. For what it’s worth, I’ve been told pregnancy or major hormonal changes can make the hair grow again.
Don’t pay a lot unless you have to, IMO. Groupon is the way to go. Research the place before you buy, but there’s no need to pay the rack rate.
Yes, it’s worth it. I’ve only had two treatments on my lower legs, as the place went out of business after the second one (keep that in mind before you pay for a package), but the effects have lasted for years. First treatment was done by a friend who worked at the salon and did not hurt; the second was done by someone else and did. The second tech was not very friendly, and I always felt like she did it on purpose. The rubberband example you read about is fairly accurate, though. I still shave my thighs nearly daily but swipe a razor across my lower legs about every three days. I could go longer, even though my hair is thick and grows fast. The salons have this hooey they give you about how you must come back exactly 41.25 days (or whatever) after the first treatment to account for the hair growth cycle. I paid zero attention AND did not complete my treatments and still had good results.
Question on lip shades like this. This color looks great on my lips but because it’s yellow based, it really brings out any coffee stain I have on my teeth (my teeth are porous and I would have to brush after every cup to avoid any stain). Is there a magical shade that is close that avoids this?
Becca categorizes lip shades by warm/cool which makes it easier to choose
maybe Undone by Kosas? they also tell you warm or cool (like Becca) and use models with a lot of different skin tones (both color and warm v. cool)
Wow, that’s beautiful! Thanks. I’m going to give this one a try.