Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Randa Tropical Ruffle-Sleeve Blouse

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1. Advice please from criminal attorneys: my husband was arrested overnight. This should be a minor matter and his first offense of anything, and I am hopeful that he can get through this with minimal damage resulting from one lapse of judgement.

   Not to mention, I am heartbroken by what he did but can work through that later. I recognize society has a tendency to vilify criminals and I get it, but please look at this from the perspective of a loved one committing one lapse of judgement and wanting it to not ruin their life.

   He will be arraigned this afternoon. I have been up all night researching and contacting lawyers.

   I have no experience with criminal courts and am not a lawyer. What can I expect for the next 48 hours? What questions should I ask the lawyers I interview? Anything I can do for him?

   1. You don’t mention what he did – but guessing based on the tone, are we talking a DUI? If yes your husband isn’t the first or last, but I wouldn’t call it a “minor matter” … anyway, practical advice, you’ll want someone who handles these (or whatever it is he did) routinely so ask the prospective attorneys to walk you through the steps.

      Anyone who says “just leave it to me” or “don’t worry” or “let’s just get through step X” and seems eager to land you as a client before explaining the whole thing would not be at the top of my list.

      1. Not a DUI but alcohol was involved. I’m not trying to defend what he did but I recognize that the courts deal with much more serious matters on a daily basis and this is a first offense so I hope they don’t throw the book at him.

         1. Is he white? He’s unlikely to do jail time for a punch up. Hire whoever seems like the best lawyer in town and let them do their thing.

            1. Get somebody who does this exact kind of case all day, every day. They will know the judges and the prosecutors and will get him the best deal available.

         2. I understand that you’re going through a lot right now, and I’m also not really inclined to police people’s choice of language on internet forums or after a massively stressful event. Nevertheless, the way that you continue to defend him (talking about how people shouldn’t vilify him, courts have more serious matters, etc.) sticks out.

            Understand that if he wants any chance of getting a slap on the wrist instead of a book thrown at him, he (and you, if you are at all involved in this process) need to accept full responsibility for what happened. Some of the reason we have a criminal justice system is for people who aren’t inclined to fix their problems on their own.

            1. Former defense attorney/DA here: this exactly. Nothing made me want to plead a case less than someone who came in and told me that it wasn’t that serious/who wanted to make excuses for a lapse in judgment.

               OP: it will be clear that it’s his first offense. I encourage you to be prepared to post bail, to get him a decent criminal defense attorney, and to get him therapy/structural/practical help. Both for his well-being, and to show that you and he are taking this seriously.

            2. Remember that Fifth Amendment — he should say nothing to anyone and you shouldn’t say things here. He should only let his lawyer do the talking. Defendants not shutting up is the #1 post-arrest problem they have, especially in a case like this.

            3. That’s fair. I’m incredibly angry at him and how this incident will uproot our lives for the near future. I feel the need to defend him to others because I don’t think he’s a monster nor is this indicative of his typical behavior.

               I’m fortunate that we have cash in the bank to cover an attorney and bail. Was planning to spend that money on a new house, not legal bills, but here we are. I will also make sure he pursues anger management and therapy, and knowing him, he’s spent the whole night beating himself up about this anyway.

            4. The update at 10:05 indicates that he acted out violently in some way. I am now concerned that you were the victim, OP. I have to interview abused partners as part of my job, and alcohol is often involved in the offenses. It’s very common for them to defend their abusers and insist that the punishments are too harsh, he already feels awful about it, we don’t need to know the specifics, etc., which is what you are saying now. If this is true, I am deeply sorry for your situation and hope you access DV services rather than keep covering for him.

               If I’m totally off-base, I suppose that’s good, but someone still got hurt. Nobody is saying he’s a “monster,” so that’s a straw man. You’re getting feedback that presenting this as no big deal is not going to play out in his favor. That is also true for me, as someone who also interviews/evaluates offenders and decides what seems to be the best treatment plan for them.

            5. Every assault or battery does not result in an injury. It could have been a shove. We don’t know if someone got hurt.

      2. Also: you want someone who does this every day in the exact locality where the courthouse actually is and you want “the good guy” (because there will be many people who qualify; you want the good one who works well with the other side, not the one who alienates people and loses paperwork). Dude/woman won’t have to make a special trip; this is routine for them; they know the players and can realistically tell you what to expect (key thing).

         If you are in NJ, I’d say DH would likely get a conditional discharge unless it were a more-major felony (like you do weekend community service and keep your nose clean for a year and you don’t wind up with a conviction). There is a reluctance to incarcerate non-violent offenders or where there is no injury and there is a large cost when people lose their jobs and a large cost of actually paying for incarceration. If this wasn’t a DWI / vehicular homicide, things don’t look so bad unless there is another person in the hospital in bad shape.

         The book gets thrown at people sometimes to make a point, but generally only people with a track record of violent crimes or severe crimes (child molesters, who generally aren’t violent, but cause great harm).

         1. THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS.

            And also +1,000 to stop talking about it to anybody but him.

            1. If you happen to be in L.A. County email me at seniorattorney1 at gmail and I can give you a couple of referrals.

      3. I’m so surprised by all the assumptions that it’s a DUI. This reads more like a bar fight to me.

         1. That’s what I thought too. And I know bar fights are dangerous, but I generally think of them more as indicators of “class background” than of “moral character.”

            At the same time, the way OP posted about this sounded so defensive that it made me want to throw the book at her husband for whatever it was, so I think that it’s helpful to see people reacting this way.

   2. Ask your lawyer friends for a recommendation.

   3. If it’s a DUI-I know a young woman who has been left permanently cognitively impaired by a drunk driver. The driver, who survived without injuries, stole her life as she knew it from her. Don’t minimize what he did, and I hope he never does it again.

      1. Ok judgy pants but you don’t know that’s what he did and she clarified it is not.

         1. I think Anon’s point is perfectly valid. If DH’s “lapse in judgment” potentially ruined someone else’s life, it’s not okay to downplay it as a tiny little oopsy-daisy. Also see above posts at 9:31 and 9:53.

            1. While this doesn’t appear to be DUI, I’m cool with being judgy-pants over drinking and driving.

   4. Adding on to Cat – if the reason is DUI this is going to be a long, costly process to rectify. However there IS a process from what I understand. I have a friend who got one and it took about a year (or more?) before he had completed the state required process. The process did not consume all his hours, he was able to complete everything while he continued to work full time. The process was cumbersome and annoying (probably by design to deter repeat offenses). Further he has not had any, that I can see, ramifications of the event on his life beyond the following: he had to have some difficult conversations about it with work, with the government (defense industry), and now always arranges to have a DD if he is out. I didn’t ask him if there were any insurance impacts.
      Hugs and good luck to you. You and he will get through this. Don’t lose sight that this is his issue to fix. He may need to be the one interviewing lawyers. You can provide a list of potential candidates and possibly go with him, but this is on him. You can support him, but you can’t fix this for him. Please take good care of yourself and don’t ignore your needs. Find some time in the next 48 hours to get support and comfort for your broken heart.

      1. Spot on! Totally on him to fix. His action=his problem, and if he needs a side gig to pay said lawyer also on him. He does t get to drain family resources for this. Gently, working through this emotionally with an outside party may be helpful to you.

         1. I agree he has to take some role in fixing it, but your idea that the wife should do nothing to help him is not realistic for the marriages I know. Spouses help each other, even when the problem is of one spouse’s making it.

            1. let’s agree to disagree.

            2. Totally agree. What’s the point in a marriage if you’re not on each other’s team?

            3. Totally agree. We all make mistakes. Marriage is a partnership not a battle in which to keep score. While some “mistakes” are not forgivable or surmountable, OP seems to believe this one is and that is her choice. If you want a partnership to last, don’t keep score, and try to stay on the same side. Help each other whenever you can, help each other learn from experiences, and move forward together. Otherwise, marriage may not last.

               Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

      2. So. Many. Assumptions.

         1. This. Everyone went to DUI immediately and borrowed tragedy to support their assumptions.

   5. If you know any lawyers ask for a referral.

   6. The process can be different from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, so you need a lawyer STAT.

      Do you have any friends who are lawyers? Call/text them and ask them for their recommendations. Even if they are not criminal lawyers themselves, they will have ideas of who is good and who is bad. Ask some trusted friends for a recommendation (don’t need to mention that it was your husband, just ask if they have a rec for a criminal defense lawyer). Post your city here and there a probably recommendations. I’m in Charlotte and can provide recommendations if that’s where you are.

      The only thing I would expect in the next 48 hours is stress and that you will ultimately be shelling out a fair bit of cash. Good criminal defense lawyers are expensive, there are probably fines and court costs, and if your husband gets on some sort of alternate track (treatment program), then that is $$ too.

      1. Fellow CLT person here. Small world.

         1. Hello fellow Charlottean! I hope you’re surviving this humidity,

   7. First and foremost, you and he both need to stop talking about what happened with anyone but each other and an attorney. Serioulsy. Stop talking about it.

      1. This, OMG, THIS!

   8. Look, I really didn’t want to come here and police your language either, but something is rubbing me the wrong way about what you’ve described. You’re hinting at a do you why and suggesting that it’s not a big deal, but not clarifying. If that is what this is, it is a big deal and needs to be treated as such. Your focus shouldn’t be minimizing the damage to your husband, but minimizing the risk that it should happen again, even if it’s more convenient to both of you to get a slap on the wrist.

      A father and his young baby were killed on the boulevard just behind my apartment at 5:30 pm by a drunk driver. When I remember how that baby screamed as she was pulled out of the car (she died in the hospital), I can never think of drunk driving as a minor thing or anything that should be treated lightly.

      1. DUI. Dictation couldn’t catch that apparently.

      2. She already said it wasn’t DUI

         1. OK, but hinting around isn’t helping anything. We need more context and OP being evasive isn’t making me think it’s some NBD victimless crime.

            1. Actually, she ought to STFU, reach out to local lawyer friends for recommendations in the relevant locality. Arrests are public records, so reciting to lawyer friends what spouse was arrested for is OK. Beyond that, STFU, as spouse is not the client.

      3. She asked how to pick a lawyer. Not for your life advice or judgment.

         1. I’m perfectly fine judging people who commit crimes while drunk. If that’s what happened, I don’t feel bad about it at all. There are some things we don’t need to be serene and understanding about.

            1. Come on — we’re asked to understand people who act out violently all the time. A lot of it is BS or not common to people with stuff going on (Mabel has cancer — that’s why she drank too much and hit a building with someone inside; Jerry’s mother just died — that’s why he through a brick through your window; Sue was poor growing up — so she smacked the woman her BF was seeing on the side).

               All I care about, as the person who funds jails and as the person who has to pay for social services if a working person leaves a family without a safety net and perhaps becomes unlikely to work again and support themselves / their dependents lawfully, is that is this cost somehow worth it? Usually it isn’t. Locking people up doesn’t actually work except for maybe the 5% of criminals who seem to do 75% of the worst stuff a community endures. The other 95% I don’t have a great answer for, but it’s not to put them in jail (maybe yes for servicing weekend sentences, but I don’t even support that in COVID times — too risky for jail staff, other inmates, etc.).

            2. Fair enough, but the comment at 10:04 a.m. immediately went to the “will somebody please think of the children?!?!” place with that (rightfully horrifying and sad) drunk driving story, despite OP clarifying that it was not a DUI. Yes, OP is being vague but at this point, I’m concerned may have been violent with her based on her clarification at 10:05 and the other commenter at 10:21 who is also worried she’s also a victim.

            3. If you’re a regular reader, you know that posts go to mod or don’t get published promptly or that people simply miss relevant replies while typing their own posts. It’s not a big deal.

            4. Why are you judging this woman? Get over yourself.

            5. Because she’s trying to downplay something that sounds like it probably was serious and deflect blame from herself and her husband.

            6. An assault is a misdemeanor. A battery is a misdemeanor. Still get over yourself.

            7. Sure ok let’s keep making excuses for drunk men. That usually ends well for women. /s

            8. As the victim of a felony battery…you don’t know that this was a misdemeanor. His family was saying it was a one time mistake and he’s not a bad person too, but I still spent a day and a half in the ER.

   9. Not a criminal lawyer but here’s my advice. I understand you want to help, but he’s going to need to take the laboring oar here. You can get names of lawyers for him to call, but you can’t and shouldn’t interview them. You are not the client. If you weren’t at the scene of the crime, you don’t have all the facts and your input isn’t helpful. The best thing you can do for him is to make sure he understands the gravity of the situation and expresses remorse for his actions.

      1. Please do not tell him to “express remorse” until he talks to a lawyer. Admissions of guilt are not necessarily his friend. It may be that he needs to grovel but he should not be making public statements until he has counsel.

         Bail him out; email any local lawyers you know for recommendations (or let us know what city you are in). Let him interview/speak with them. Other than asking for referrals, do NOT talk about this with anyone you cannot 100% trust. Frankly and depending on what he has been charged with, you may not need the best criminal defense lawyer out there. You need to look at what sentence he is facing and the possibility of an acquittal rather than a plea and make that decision – and any reasonably competent criminal lawyer can get him to that point. You can always change lawyers in the unlikely event he is going to trial.

         Also and for everyone who is jumping to the assumption of DUI (which OP has now said was not the issue) or spousal abuse – drunk people do a lot of stupid things that lead to criminal charges. Those things range from illegal but essentially harmless to potentially lethal. So please stop jumping to conclusions. She wants to know how to help select an attorney.

         1. This is good advice, and I have to agree about people jumping to assumptions and passing judgment on her, which is not warranted here. She is asking for practical advice on a vague issue that none of us know the details of. She is his wife and is trying to figure out how to navigate through a difficult situation she has never dealt with before, which is not an abnormal ask around here. If she was thinking she’d get support from this community instead of people piling on her and confirming her fears about judgment, she was apparently mistaken, which is unfortunate. OP, I’m sorry for what you are going through and I wish you luck in figuring out how to handle this issue in the legal world, as well as in your marriage. Once you have hired a competent attorney, don’t let these strangers’ reactions make you hesitate to reach out to your family and close friends for support.

            1. Agree, let’s try to be supportive. I’m pretty sure the last thing OP needs is people judging her. OP, I have close relative who is a criminal defense atty. What state are you in? If you give us a burner email, they may be able to give you some advice.

            2. Exactly, people are telling her to STFU but are also mad that she was vague. OP, I am sorry you are going through this. If my husband were arrested, I would help him in any way I could. The criminal justice system is scary. We don’t even know if he is guilty and people are judging him and her.

         2. Dude I never said PUBLICLY express remorse. The OP paints this like it’s nbd. That’s not a great attitude to have when facing criminal charges, as others have pointed out. A little humility goes a long way. He can and should express remorse to his wife and lawyer. Obvi dont blab to anyone else.

            1. I’m the Anon at 9:31 way above who said to accept responsibility for this.

               From a deeply personal perspective, I have seen similar issues play out in my family of origin. The short version is that, at one point, the police became involved in my family, and the family’s blatant attempts to slap a veneer of “we’re a great and amazing family and this problem is a big whoopsie” over the whole situation made the criminal issue go away, but the problems festered and, twenty years later, the family is a wreck.

               I have no desire to pile on the OP because the most important thing is that she understand that this is a wake-up call to fix some pretty big issues. Absent issues with police misconduct, if the police are involved in your life, something has gone seriously awry. That does not mean that the person should be an outcast for society, but it’s not a “whoopsie!”

            2. How do all of you know he is not innocent? For a group with so many lawyers, it seems that some of you missed the whole presumption of innocence thing in law school.

            3. Anonymous at 3:32 PM, we are aware of the presumption of innocence. You seem to be unaware that it applies to a finder of fact in a courtroom, not people who are giving advice to a woman who basically says that her husband screwed up and is guilty of what he’s being charged with.

   10. Depending on what state you live in there may be a diversion program for first time offenders. In NJ we have a conditional discharge or dismissal program which could help him avoid long term criminal issues. In these cases after a year of monitoring of there are no issues that case will be dimissed. After two years the arrest can be expunged.

       Try talking through the issue to at least 2-3 attorneys through a consultation, these should be low cost or free.

       Good luck.

2. I’m thinking of relocating in the next year or two. I’ve been on the east coast my whole life and would like to try something new.

   I think I’d be interested in Denver, Salt Lake City, or Boise, but am open to other suggestions.

   I work in government, given the multiple layers of government in all 3 cities (city, state, federal) and that my niche can pivot to the private sector easily, I think I could find something (but also starting this search very early).

   Things I’m looking for in a city: access to the outdoors (I like to hike/camp/bike, I ski a little, I love water sports, and I’m down to learn new activities); I’d want a walkable downtown, ideally with access to public transportation (I have a car but would not like to have to use it every day I also bike to work already so am fine with that); an area with lots of bars/breweries/restaurants/concerts/cultural events/things to do; a city where newcomers are able to make friends / fit in.

   I’m mid 20s, single, liberal but not super liberal (more Buttigieg than AOC), not religious (so a little apprehensive of SLC).

   Of these cities, which would you recommend? What neighborhoods would you recommend? Are there other similar cities that you recommend?

   1. I have a very similar profile as you and I am looking at Salt Lake City. The access to the mountains is significantly better than Denver when you factor in traffic and crowding. However, I am concerned about air quality and also the religious vibe, although people I know from there say that there is a solid contingent of outdoorsy, non-religious people. I had several job interviews there that I withdrew from when Covid hit, but plan to start again once things stabilize.

      P.S. I also considered and really like Boise, but my husband and I could really not find any suitable jobs there. I have also been disturbed by how horrendous Idaho’s response to the pandemic has been. It’s beautiful though.

      1. My comment with email is awaiting moderation, but please also email me with any questions, I currently live in SLC.

         “The inversion” – the winter air effects and quality – can be bad! I’ve only had one winter here and there are definitely days you don’t want to recreate outside. It’s definitely a downside.

   2. I just moved to SLC from west coast, but originally from (north) east coast. I am also not religious and enjoy the outdoors. We too had looked at Denver but it didn’t pan out for jobs (sigh).

      Re: walkable downtown – yes? I don’t go into proper downtown right now, but the neighborhood that I live in is very, very walkable (and better – bikeable, which would give easy access to downtown when I want to go there again). When I lived downtown, we would walk places frequently. The places to live in the true downtown area are mostly condos, though.

      Public transit – Yes. TRAX is well used, many people commute via TRAX. That said, lots of people still drive, and there’s decent sidewalks and bike lanes for other commuting methods.

      I haven’t had issues making friends, although I have only made four-ish friends in 10 months. Part of that is because of COVID, and possibly some of that is religiously based. I live in a fairly secular part of town, so my neighbors and neighborhood are friendly and open, as opposed to being LDS and uhh, keeping to themselves. Living in Salt Lake proper (as opposed to “the valley” – Murray, Sandy, or further south) is the best way to ensure more secular neighbors. LDS folk are friendly but can (do?) stick to themselves.

      Happy to follow up with you via email about neighborhoods or give you some more detail – burnerette19 at gmail dot com.

   3. I live in Denver and work as a lawyer in government. Lots of new young people are moving here, and socially I think it sounds like a good fit for you. Agree with PP that mountain access is easier from SLC. Colorado is definitely more liberal than either Utah or Idaho. The winters in Denver will be milder than the other two. Recreation is plentiful and very much a way of life here.

   4. I have family in Boise and I understand the appeal of moving there – housing is low cost (though locals will complain), great access to outdoors, downtown has been revitalized to a cute vibe, and there are newer developments of the “urban village type” – apartments/townhouses centered on a walkable shopping district. If you live outside downtown and depending on where you work, you will be driving though. The weather is extreme (very hot and very cold but little snow I believe).

   5. I have family and I understand the appeal of moving there: housing is low (though locals will say prices are higher, cute downtown that’s been revitalized, newer suburb developments in the “urban village style” of apartments/smaller homes around a walkable shopping area, growing tech industry, and great access to the outdoors. Weather is extreme though (very hot and very cold though little snow I believe) but no impediment if you are determined snowboarder, hiker etc.. However, even though you say you are more mainstream liberal, Idaho is very red. Boise the city itself is actually blue but the suburbs and most of the state, outside 2 or 3 towns, is deep red. I’m not talking mainstream conservative (though that is significant portion) but there is a heavy dose of reactionaries. I am very familiar with conservative politics all over the West and can find points of agreement with some positions but Idaho is very extreme. Elected legislators frequently bring up “UN Black Helicopters” etc to give you an idea of the political dialogue. There are racist compounds up north. There is a general antagonism towards “California Liberals” that come in and raise home prices and then demand schools to teach climate change, abstinence etc (all that failed by the way- look up the fight over science curriculum standards). The liberal side nearly always loses give the population. I would seriously consider if you would feel comfortable in such a reactionary and hostile environment.

   6. Another city to consider is Albuquerque. There’s a mountain with hundreds of miles of trails 15 minutes from my front door, plenty of access to all kinds of outdoor activities, substantially less crowding than Denver, and it’s much less religious than SLC. It has everything on your list, including a lot of young transplants and liberal but not super liberal politics. The weather is also great–sunny 300+ days a year, lots of snow in nearby mountains to ski in but very little in the city that you have to drive/bike through, and basically no humidity. Most people here work in government, tech, or healthcare. If you have or can get a government clearance, there a ton of excellent job opportunities both directly with the government and through private contractors.

   7. SLC is very Mormon, especially the school systems. Boise is growing fast and has been for 15 years, and it’s conservative but not as much as SLC. Denver is by far the most liberal of the three, and is a whole different ball game. Have you looked at Reno? I grew up in SE Idaho and moved to east coast 20 years ago. I don’t miss the conservative aspects deep set in Idaho and Utah’s cultures. Idaho Falls has the super conservative underpinings, but some people will put up with it due to proximity to outdoors, and there’s lots of good jobs due to the government presence, but small town vibe.

3. How do you deal with a partner who turns a strong brief into a much weaker one? The team of associates I work with are feeling really frustrated and demoralized with this partner who literally returned a draft to the team with multiple run-on sentences, took out all the legal arguments and replaced them with factual whining, and then suggested that we did a bad job. The other partner on the case noted to us that the draft we originally turned in to her was much stronger. So the other partner tried to convince the partner to change the draft back, but the he did not succeed since this is not his client. I’m just feeling really demoralized. This is the second time at this law firm where I feel like I’m working with someone who is a bad writer but refuses to admit it. I get that people who are not great writers make partner because of EQ and networking skills among others, but I’m finding it really hard to stay motivated. At this rate, we will likely lose on the motion and then get blamed by the partner. It’s really hard to accept that outcome knowing the draft could have been much stronger. Any tips for dealing with this situation?

   1. Yeah take the money and job hunt. Try to be busy enough you don’t have time to work with this guy.

      1. You win the prize for worst law firm advice ever. You want to give up her career at a firm she selected because she did not like the feedback on one brief?

   2. I would try adjusting your attitude. You have work to do in the middle of a pandemic because this partner has clients. Clients don’t hire us after conducting a writing competition, they hire us for delivering a strategy that resonates with them. Judges assess the dispute before them, they don’t assign writing grades. As you are junior, defer to the partner’s judgment. Your judge may prefer a less academic approach. This motion may not involve anything other than run of the mill legal issues. Or your best bet is to pound on the facts, not the law. Or this client may also prefer a more aggressive tone. Some clients don’t feel they have been heard unless their papers fully reflect their frustration with the other side. If you want to succeed talk to the partner about his or her expectations and draft to meet them.

      1. How does a run-on sentence strike a less academic tone? The original poster is describing errors, not stylistic differences.

         1. Deleting the law and including more whining about the facts are substantive choices.

      2. This comment beautifully captures what’s wrong with the legal profession. Lawyers are supposed to be professionals, not lances directed by clients. Lawyers are supposed to exercise independent judgment and adhere to the rule of law. This means that a skilled lawyer can ably redirect a client’s “wishes” into a strong effective legal argument. Cases and negotiations are resolved in the future, whining about facts is in the past. If you simply kowtow to a client’s demands, you are doing your professional capabilities and the pursuit of justice a grave disservice. You also might want to flip through your jurisdiction’s model rules of professional conduct, your post reads like its been awhile.

         1. Nothing in the posts today suggests any unethical conduct.

      3. Sounds like you’ve been the subject of similar criticism.

         1. I have seen a lot of junior lawyers who won law school by writing in a specific style lose at law firm because of a refusal to adapt.

   3. Ugh this is my life. No advice but following.

   4. I used to work for a partner who turned all my simple, concise emails and memos into several pages of run-on legalese. I drove me insane, and when I occasionally managed to send my own writing, the clients would frequently comment that they appreciated the concise and to the point summaries. Yet I was told to “make my writing more polished” in a year-end review. No advice, because I changed firms and no one has ever had anything but good things to say about my writing at my current firm. Different people have different styles, I guess…

   5. I have found myself in similar situations from time to time where I feel like the ultimate decision-maker is just not a strong writer and I haven’t been pleased with the revisions I’ve received. In those cases, it isn’t my decision and so I’ve used the mantra “I release the need to complicate; I can let things be simple.” And I make the revisions I’m asked to make and move on with my life. If it isn’t my decision, it just isn’t and I can let it be that simple. As for blame/feedback to improve your writing, just nod, smile, ignore.

      1. + I on this except for ignoring the feedback. The first rule of writing is to know your audience. That means adapting your work to each partner’s style. If this partner wants a more aggressive tone on the facts and less about the law, draft to that style. If another partner wants a more academic tone, draft to that style.

         1. Oh, yes, agree on writing to your audience, and adapt to that partner’s style when writing for him. What I mean by ignore is don’t internalize it that *you* need to improve your writing or that your writing isn’t good, or that you need to write that way across the board for everyone.

            1. +1. Totally agree.

   6. No advice, but commiseration. Been there before and it suuuucks.

   7. Refuse to sign pleadings – incompetent partner can put their name on this stuff. Other than that, do your best to work with others instead. It’s really damaging to your career to work with people who aren’t training you. At a minimum, it’s a lot of lost time. At least there’s a good partner who can back you up, I suppose? It was a pretty big deal for partner to tell you that you’re right and the billing partner was wrong – dont take that lightly.

      1. This is the worst advice.

   8. Writing is so subjective. I was once praised for my writing at a job, fired at another one for poor writing and then specifically told the reason I was hired at my next firm was because my writing samples were so strong. The real problem is you can’t win here so I would definitely job hunt or try to work with other partners because there’s no changing writers like that.

   9. At the end of the day, submit the best work you can and realize that whoever’s signature is on the submission is taking ownership of that work, for better or for worse. If it’s the partner, then he is accountable for whatever comes of the brief, so let it go and just realize that you did your job when you submitted the draft for him to review, but once it goes into his hands, it’s his brief to submit if he is going to be the one signing it.

      1. +1

4. I love this top, but at that price I expect silk rather than polyester.

   1. +1 totally agreed

   2. Yeah, this is seriously cute and I was tempted, but that is more than I will pay for a casual top. I was expecting it to be half the price at most.

   3. For floral tops, my go-tos are Ann Taylor and Ann Taylor Factory. There are always lots of cute options at very reasonable prices.

      1. AT Loft also has several cute tropical print tops right now.

   4. Can I just express my frustration that right wingers have adopted the Hawaiian shirt? I have put my husband’s tropical prints in a holding area because we don’t want anyone to think he’s cheering for racists.

      1. Maybe because I live in Southern California where the Hawaiian shirt is ubiquitous but I certainly do not assume everyone wearing one is a racist (and a fair number of people who do not spend a lot of time on social media are completely unaware of the association!).

      2. I feel that way about Adidas. Sad for the association with viewpoints which are antithetical to mine.

      3. It’s not a thing unless we allow them to have it as a thing. Plenty of normal, non-horrible people wear tropical prints! I think most people who aren’t on Twitter etc have never even heard of the association.

      4. I did not know this was a thing! *insert mind blown emoji*

      5. My husband is packing Hawaiian shirts for vacation right now. We are big Nancy Pelosi fans and constituents.

      6. I remember hearing about Hawaiian shirts and Adidas maybe a few weeks (months? years?) ago, but I don’t think this is a thing outside certain pockets of the internet. I say we carry on wearing those things if we want and let our actions show who we are.

      7. I was recently educated by a co-worker who grew up in Honolulu that they are correctly referred to as “aloha shirts” not “Hawaiian shirts.” I didn’t realize.

   5. Yeah this price point is bonkers for what looks like a toned-down Lily Pulitzer knock off. Today I’m wearing a certainly not identical, but similarly styled top from ON for which I paid $20. It’s linen, not polyester, which I consider a bonus.

5. Hello! I’m living alone and like to listen to podcasts at various points in the day to break up the rather oppressive silence. I cannot handle another news or news adjacent podcast that will make me more anxious about the state of the world or true crime where people are murdered and would love help finding something, because I’m striking out. I’ve enjoyed long form stories, like Drop Out, culture discussions, like Pop Culture Happy Hour, cooking podcasts, like Samin Nostrat’s Home Cooking and Foodcast before Bon Appétit was rightfully called out for its employment practices, smart comedy, like You’re Dead to Me, and some hang out podcasts, like Staying In with Emily and Kumail. Any suggestions?

   1. My Dad Wrote a Porno? I don’t know about smart, but it’s definitely comedy.

      1. OMG – wife and I listened to this on a road trip and we were crying laughing. Very, very NSFW but hilarious.

   2. So many great options! Some of my favorites are The Sporkful, How I Built This, This American Life, 30 For 30 (especially the multi-episode seasons on one story), and Decoder Ring.

   3. I’ve been moving away from news as well – I just can’t handle any more news. I loved the BBC adaptation of Miriam and Youssef, it was a thought-provoking story and such an immersive listening experience, and I’m currently listening to Camus’ The Plague. I also like the Slowdown, which is a poem a day with a really beautiful discussion. They did Girl, Woman, Other and I’m kicking myself for missing it. For long-form, Caliphate was grim but so, so good, Fake Heiress was fun, and Wind of Change was so well produced, RomComPod is also some sweet brain candy.
      A bit of news but mostly cultural discussion, and British, so maybe the news won’t seem as salient, The High Low.

   4. Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend is great!

      1. +1 for Conan!! Confession, I always skip the beginning banter with his producers and go straight to the guest intro.

   5. Long form stories: radiolab, 99% invisible
      Comedy: Judge John Hodgeman, the beef and dairy network (British humor, so pretty strong language), My dad wrote a p0rno (same CW)

   6. America’s Test Kitchen has a podcast called Proof, if you haven’t found that one yet. The Bitter Southerner is wide-ranging but interesting. This Old House also now has a podcast, although it hasn’t had new episodes in a bit. Levar Burton Reads is good for stories.

      1. Ooh, did not know The Bitter Southerner had a podcast.

   7. Table Manners, Id10T, armchair expert, off the menu, and my fave is S*hagged, Married and Annoyed.

   8. I’m late 20s, and I really enjoy listening to Girls Gotta Eat. It’s like a convo with my educated, sex positive girlfriends who are also hilarious. It’s not for everyone but it always brightens my mood when I listen!

   9. I’m sure I’ve plugged this before, but Lexicon Valley, which discusses language and words, is just delightful. Lost in the Smithsonian (which picks a pop culture-y artifact from the National History Museum and discusses it in depth) is also really fun and interesting.

      1. +1 Lexicon Valley.

   10. If you like PCHH, I would also check out the Slate Culture Gabfest. As a mostly non-sports follower, I’ve also enjoyed the 30 for 30 podcasts. And if you have any kind of interest in the process of journalism, the Longform podcast is also great (although it can get news adjacent).

   11. How I Built This with Guy Raz is engaging and upbeat (listen to old ones not the COVID updates to avoid current news).

   12. History Chicks.

       1. +1 to the History Chicks. I listened to ALL of the back catalogue while travelling for work last year!

          Also: Redhanded (British crime, but funny), Behind the Bastards (how terrible people became terrible people – so dark but so well written), Ologies (talking to smart people about things they’re passionate about), the Allusionist (language).

   13. In terms of food I like Sporkful, Splendid Table, and the Olive Magazine podcast.

       Hang out podcasts – Bad on Paper, Call Your Girlfriend. I’ve recently picked up Wingwoman and am enjoying it

       1. Another great hang out podcast is Best Friends with Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata.

   14. You’re Wrong About (various historical/media/crime events retold through a modern lense – the non-crime episodes are my favorites)

       How I Built This with Guy Raz (stories about building businesses)

       Heavyweight (host helps a guest revisit something in their life that has always haunted them)

       Show Your Work (famous celebrity gossip blogger discusses pop culture/celebrity events through a “Behind the Scenes” show business lense)

       Forever35 (hangout podcast, focus on self care, guests include lots of authors, skin care/makeup folks)

       Dead Eyes (working actor who was fired from Band of Brothers by Tom Hanks for having “dead eyes” talks about that experience/his career; SO funny)

   15. Some recent discoveries:

       Noble Blood (darker history related to various royal families)
       History Chicks (profiles of women from history)
       Overdue (they describe it as “a podcast about books you’ve been meaning to read”)
       Novel Pairings (another about books, with several recommendations per episode)
       Stuff You Missed in History Class (so many archives that even if you skip episodes that are thematically related to current events, there’s a lot to choose from)
       Office Ladies (if you’ve watched The Office)

   16. Gastropod the podcast! They’re currently prepping for a new season but the archive is great.

   17. Be There in 5 – pop culture (especially internet/influencer culture), 90s nostalgia, and female entrepreneurship. The episodes range from a 3-part deep dive on Mormon mommy blogs to (most recently) a convo with an attorney on Britney’s conservatorship. The host is in her early 30s and her monologues on growing up in the 90s, early adulthood in the 2000s, etc. are hilarious and relatable.

       1. +1 for this rec

       2. +1. LOVE this one. Plus I discovered Absolutely Not podcast through Be There In 5. Also recommend.

   18. I like Uncover by CBC Podcasts, they did a deep dive into NXIVM. Guru, The Missing Cryptoqueen, and Dr. Death are also fascinating and really well produced.

       Pheobe Reads a Mystery is easy to listen to, it is Pheobe from Criminal – who has a great voice – reading an old school mystery book.

       History of the 90s is fun, and I love Reply All, which is a show about the internet. Also by the Reply All guys is the Scaredy Cats Horror Show, which has the best theme song of all time, imo.

       1. I still can’t wrap my head around the NXIVM story. I may need to listen to this just to understand.

   19. You Must Remember This. Esp if you love old Hollywood film stars and deep dives.

   20. No Such Thing As a Fish is fun. Also David Tennant Does a Podcast With… – which has new episodes coming out soon!

   21. No Such Thing as a Fish (by QI researchers so really funny and interesting), Infinite Monkey Cage (like You’re Dead to Me but science, hosted by Brian Cox) and By the Book (living life according to self help books, funny and thoughtful)

6. If anyone else is still a survivor fan, this top reminds me a lot of the one Kim wore for Winners at War

   1. Fellow Survivor fan here…you are spot on!

7. How many calories do you eat a day? Since quarantine I have gained a few lbs like most, so I started tracking my calories. I am trying to be as accurate as I can (measuring, importing recipes; etc) and I am averaging 1300-1400 daily… but a month later, and I haven’t lost any weight! For reference I am 5 5 and 120-125 Lbs (was 115-120 pre-quarantine which is what I am trying to get back to) and I go on walks/run daily (cover 3 miles or so) and do weights 3x a week. not sure how many calories I should be eating to lose 4-5 lbs or so, but I would think 1300-1400 would be enough and nothing is happening. It’s so frustrating!!

   1. You need to calculate your TDEE, not jut guess at a range that you think might work. Sailrabbit makes a good one.

   2. Check your TDEE to determine what your baseline caloric needs are

      https://tdeecalculator.net/

   3. A month is not a long time. You probably need to keep doing this for 4-5 months to start seeing results. I’m in a similar boat and have lost the 5 pounds a few times over, but as I get close to menopause (real, not peri) it’s almost impossible to lose it again.

   4. Are you measuring by volume vs weighing? That can throw off you numbers. I lose weight at that amount of calories but it takes a while to show up. I think the first time I went on a diet it felt like I wasn’t losing anything and then 3 months later it was like wow, what a difference. Everyone is different.

      Also, some people respond better to low carb diets despite the number of calories because of insulin resistance.

   5. I’m 5’6 and 120, so ballpark similar size and my maintenance calories are about 1600, so I’m thinking you either have a really slow metabolism or are miscounting something. For me I when I put on some weight I can take it off fairly easily by cutting out all alcohol and treats. To me this looks like just having my coffee and 3 square meals a day. Quarantine for me at the start had definitely inspired a lot of baking and wine which was undoubtedly the culprit.

   6. We sound pretty similar. I’m 5’4”, weigh 125 (would ideally be 115-120), and walk 5 miles five-six times a week plus a few light weight circuits. Late 20s. When I do the basal metabolic rate calculators online I get anywhere from ~1200 calories to 1400. 1200 feels pretty accurate to me; meaning that if I track food and exercise and am hitting about 1200 net cals, I am maintaining my weight. I ran this by my PCP with a very similar build, and she agreed that’s about what she saw for herself as well. Maintaining fitness and food for 1200 cal is quite do-able for me, but it takes a lot of restriction to cut below that, which is honestly why I haven’t bothered to lose the few pounds I would ideally want to.

   7. I genuinely hope you disregard my comment if it’s not helpful and not applicable in your situation. Please also know that my response is certainly influenced by a relatively short period of anorexia as a teenager that has left me with an extreme distaste for diet culture. However, 120-125 on a 5’5 frame is already on the low side of the recommended weight charts. Is it possible that this new weight is healthier and more natural for you to maintain? If you are working out consistently and eating healthily, perhaps (again, just perhaps) this slightly higher weight is exactly where your body wants to be.

      1. Yeah this thread is pretty distasteful honestly. If it’s genuine, then I think that the OP should seek out some nutrition therapy rather than trying to lose weight.

         1. +1….OP you are not overweight, but this tracking calories, trying to lose 5 lbs and posting on a blog about it does indicate that you have disordered thinking about food and weight and need some type of therapy. Best of luck to you….

            1. Omg this doesn’t read disordered to me at all!

               Gaining weight and wanting to lose it to get back to your normal weight is perfectly normal, regardless of your size.

               5 lbs make a difference – particularly when it comes to clothes fitting. Wanting to fit in the clothes you already have is perfectly fine!

            2. No, wanting to be 115 lbs at 5’5″ is not disordered. That is a pretty normal weight. Eating 1300 calories a day, however, is.

               Signed, 5’5″ with a small frame and a natural set point of 115 lbs

            3. I’m the exact same weight and height as OP and I’ve been feeling the same. At 30, pre-kids, I weighed 110, and I’ve been around 115 since about a year post-partum. I also have a slight built — small chest and butt, small rib cage (my bra size is 28C). There is nothing wrong with being that weight, and nothing OP is saying sounds disordered to me.

            4. Huh? What a weird take. Someone can want to lose 5 pounds, and want to engage in a program for doing so, and not be disordered. I’m sick and tired of this “any attempt to lose weight means you’re eating disordered.”

         2. Distasteful? So thinner people can’t want to lose weight? I’m a similar size to OP and if I put on 5-10 lbs my clothes don’t fit and rolls appear in unflattering places, never mind the fact that it makes going up all the stairs in my home much more difficult.

            1. We don’t need to support disordered eating here. It’s your choice if you want to, but it’s not a requirement of all posters.

            2. No 5-10 pounds does not make it difficult to climb 1 flight of stairs

            3. I don’t think there’s anything disordered about it. If you have a problem with it, collapse thread and move on.

            4. I absolutely notice differences both in clothing fit and in stamina/overall health (blood pressure, ability to climb stairs, etc.) with 5 – 10 pound fluctuations. I don’t know why we’re supposed to pretend that there is no impact on our body unless it’s morbid obesity or something.

         3. Omg. No. She wants to maintain her weight pre-covid.

      2. That’s a good point, I didn’t even think twice about those numbers because my height is much different.

      3. She said she gained five pounds due to quarantine, and wants to nip it in the bud. Responses like this make it sound like someone needs to gain a pile of weight before they “deserve” to try to get rid of it. There’s nothing wrong with being proactive and recognizing a troublesome pattern early.

      4. And 115 isn’t too low either…

         Is it possible that someone just doesn’t want to buy an entirely new wardrobe of clothes? Or that she has a small frame?

         Similar to how we tell posters to keep their thoughts about health to themselves when we talk about overweight individuals…maybe do the same for normal weight individuals?

         1. Ultimately, it is the OP’s body and none of my business…that is why I included a disclaimer and tried to word my comment as respectfully as possible. That said, it takes closer to 15 pounds of weight gain to require a new clothing size, so I highly doubt that is the issue at stake here.

            1. Hey all, when someone posts looking for advice, they make it the forum’s business. If you don’t want advice you won’t like, don’t post.

            2. I’m only 5’2″ and 5lb is well within water weight fluctuations for me. But I also hate when I am retaining water and look puffy.

            3. I’m 5’3″ but carry my weight in my waist. At smaller sizes, it only takes me about 3-5 lbs to feel like my clothes are too tight.

            4. That’s not true.

               I am a slender pear, and all of my weight goes to my butt/thighs. If I gain 5 lbs, that’s all in my butt. I currently own 2 sizes of pants for my very annoying common weight fluctuations.

               If I gained 10 lbs I absolutely could not even wear the 2 sizes I have.

            5. Depends on your body type. I gained about 7-8 pounds and my pants stopped fitting. I lost it, and my pants fit again. Tops were generally okay, since I mostly gain in my waist, hips, and thighs. My heartburn also went away with that loss. So depending on your size, a gain of less than 15 lbs can definitely make you move up a size.

               I’m not quite 5’4” and in my 20s and early 30s, weighing between 115 and 120 was pretty normal for me. Then I got old and my weight crept up. Now at 52 I’m hovering around 129 and am pleased with that.

               I’m not having too much trouble maintaining, I think because of not going out to eat and not getting carry out too often. I’m eating more meals with my partner, who prefers low carb meals. I also cut out my morning toast and just have yogurt and coffee for breakfast. So I’m sad to say, a lower carb diet might be a way to get a handle on your weight without going all-out Draconian. Still have alcohol, maybe about 5 drinks a week.

            6. “That said, it takes closer to 15 pounds of weight gain to require a new clothing size, so I highly doubt that is the issue at stake here.”

               Says who? I’m 5’4″ and 5-10 pounds absolutely makes a difference in clothing size.

            7. @LaurenB I am 5’3 and it takes me about 15 pounds of weight gain before I see a difference in clothing size, so I was basing this on my personal experience. I also did a quick Google search and saw several references to 10 – 15 pounds being the average variance between clothing sizes. Granted, everyone’s body is different and everyone’s clothing style is different. I tend to wear LOTS of dresses (at least pre-quarantine) and rarely wear jeans. I supposed someone who wear skinny jeans and super-fitted tops may have a different experience.

      5. +1 to all this. I am shorter than you and weigh more. I am not even remotely overweight. This weight is normal-to-low for your height. You do not need to count calories. If you can’t stop obsessing about it, please seek help.

   8. For me personally, macros and nutrition matter more than calories. I can cut calories and find that my metabolism just slows down, or increase calories and lose. I do have a thyroid condition and insulin resistance though. And obviously if I were starving I would lose weight or if I was overeating I would gain. But I do think it’s possible to waste a lot of time on calorie counting when the issue is really blood sugar/insulin or metabolism.

   9. You’re me – same height, same approximate before and after weight (I hardly ever weigh myself). You are not eating enough of certain things I bet. I paid for a macro coach/menu plan and I eat 1700 cal a day with a 40/25/35 split on carbs/protein/fat. I am doing OTF twice a week and running about 20 miles a week and am already seeing changes in tone/shape of my body after a month. I don’t actually care how much I weigh though, I care about fitness and fitting into my pre-COVID lockdown clothes.

   10. I am almost exactly your size. I cannot function as a human being or lose weight on anything less than around 1800 calories a day.

       1. Same on all counts.

       2. Can you give us an idea of what you eat in a day/exercise you do in a day?

8. A colleague Skyped me to tell me that someone on my work campus tested positive this week. I would have never known if she hadn’t reached out. It’s a hell of a time to job search, but I am completely fed up with how lazy and sloppy my company has been with Covid. Is it dumb to cite their incompetence and recklessness specifically as the reason I’m looking?

   1. I just accepted another job in large part due to my current employer’s horrendous handling of COVID. I don’t want to burn any bridges so I didn’t cite this as a reason I’m leaving or accepting the other job, but I know some colleagues in my current job know this and I wouldn’t mind it it made its way to the higher ups. I’m no longer going to support employers who put profit and politics above health and humanity.

   2. I just switched jobs and cited another reason in my interviews. In interviews, when covid inevitably came up I asked open-ended questions (“How have you guys handled all of this?”) so the interviewer would reveal what they did and what they plan to do moving forward. In one interview, the manager clearly wanted everyone back in the office ASAP so that place got crossed on the list. If I had called my old job reckless, she may have softened her language.

      Anyway, I highly recommend changing jobs if you feel unsafe. I was hesitant to leave my old place because I would have been the last to get laid off, but my new place is actually busier. I didn’t realize just how anxious my old place’s COVID recklessness made me until I left.

      1. I also burned a bridge with a potential job that way. The person who was interviewing me (via zoom) said their “collaborative” culture didn’t work with WFH, and was basically whining about the shelter in place order and how everyone needed to be back in the office.

         In response, I talked about how my prior employer had been against WFH but I had introduced a trial of it and it had worked so well they expanded it.

         That was pretty much the end of the interview, because I was clearly disagreeing, but once the interviewer said that, I stopped being. Interested in working there anyway.

   3. 1. Never badmouth your current employer. No one hires that b/c you may be like that with new employer.

      2. In an age of HIPAA and not having to disclose our status to employers, IDK how employers can make employees tell them anything (employees may be overwhelmed and also very sick / intubated / trying not to die). And even then, I’m not sure what employers can share or how much they can share. Any employment lawyers care to chime in?

      1. I didn’t think HIPAA had any relevance to employee health information at all.

         1. That’s correct. It applies to health care providers, health plans, and health care clearing houses, as well as some people who do business with those entities. Not employers.

            The ADA has some relevance with respect to employers keeping medical information confidential and not asking too many questions, but it’s complicated.

      2. You are correct that most employers wouldn’t find out the results of an employee’s Covid test unless the employee voluntarily gave them the information. HIPAA prevents a medical provider from disclosing the information to a third party without the employee’s consent. An employer can require an employee to get a Covid viral test (but not an antibody test) and report the results as a condition of employment.

         HIPAA does not apply to employers (with a few exceptions that aren’t relevant to this). Once a patient/employee consents to a third party/employer receiving their health information, HIPAA no longer regulates the re-disclosure of that information. Some states have laws limiting employers’ re-disclosure of employees’ health information, but I believe it’s a minority of states.

   4. I would not bad mouth your former employer, instead screen potential new employers in interviews to make sure they are a good fit for you.

   5. Did you expect your employer to tell you someone tested positive?

      1. Yes, of course. Not their individual identity, but that it occurred, 110% yes. That’s SOP for our vendors, our competitors, and the companies at which my friends and family work.

         1. Well, then you better just assume that all companies have some people that tested positive, whether they tell you or not that is probably the case.

   6. I don’t expect that my employer will tell me if someone on our campus, or even our building tests positive. If I’ve been exposed, the state contact tracing will inform me, and my employer has systems in place to participate in contact tracing. If someone on the campus tests positive, and I’ve not been exposed to them, there is no need for me to know.

      1. This is probably a good way to go about things — let the official people who officially know a test result handle things.

9. I just set up a meeting with someone for this coming Monday and my God, where did August come from?!

   I’ve been going through a lot lately, personally and professionally (on top of the heavy state of the world) and I would truly love to hear some humble brags or things that are making you excited right now. For me, I found out an acquaintance from college had moved to DC and we had some park wine over the weekend! I also subscribed to one of those “ugly produce” boxes and I’m really excited to challenge myself in the kitchen in the coming weeks to use all they give me! What’s been up with you all?

   1. I’m co-authoring a piece with a colleague who I think is an amazing writer and he described my contribution as reading ‘elegantly’, which makes me feel good. I’m also becoming a much faster, more confident cyclist, I don’t need to drop gears to get up the hill anymore. And my garden (real garden) is such a source of joy for me this year, my overflowing flower beds makes me smile and we had a mixed greens, purple mangetout and green onion salad for lunch and it all came out of my tiny garden.

   2. I let my kid play in the rain this morning before my first call of the day. It made us both happy. I’ve also rediscovered the joy of Grape Nuts. It’s the little things these days.

      1. I love Grape Nuts and have stopped eating them because carbs! I think I need to rediscover them too!

         1. Same. They are so delightful and the added bonus is that no one in my house eats them except for me. They are pretty much the only thing that is mine (all mine!!). Do it!

   3. Covid caused us to decided to move our move to a new house date up by two years, so we are moving in a month. Much bigger house which should make continued working at home with a child (because who knows what will happen with schools) far more pleasant.

   4. I’ve delivered a big new policy which fulfils a new regulation and had MD level recognition on it.
      And I got new roller skates and actually managed to move on them! Haven’t skated since I was 18 and am enjoying being terrible at it.

   5. I’m 1/3 of the way through my first rowing goal and I’ve been assigned to a real meaty, challenging project at work.

   6. OK for real, I swear yesterday it was May.

      I got into grad school! And we’re thinking about moving house, earlier than we planned.

      1. YAY so happy for you on both counts!!

         1. Thank you!! <3

      2. Wow, great! What kind of grad school?

   7. I painted my bedroom over the last 3 days! I had some vacation to use up, and I wanted to force myself to get away from the computer. Now my bedroom is a serene, light gray-green instead of baby-poop-yellow-brown :-)

      1. Please share the new color name? That sounds lovely!

   8. I’m going on vacation! This is a big deal for someone who hasn’t left her house except for doctor’s appointments since March (immunocompromised.) It’s a remote cabin we have stayed in before. We booked it in January – otherwise we might not have been inclined to do it, but now we are excited.

   9. Thanks for this thread! Hooray for good little things!

      I’m finally moving my ‘home office’ (desk) out of my bedroom and into the guest room! I’m excited to have a new, more dedicated space.

      Also, I got my kid a present (a Cinderella doll) just because she’s been dreaming about it so much (a dreeeam is a wish your heart makes), and I cannot wait to give it to her!

      AND! A friend is bringing by an ice blended coffee — the first not-prepared-by-me coffee in 4+ months! — and I’m so pumped.

   10. Hubby finished his long-planned woodworking project in the bedroom and it turned out great!

       We are also getting ready to do a big project that will bring a lot of natural light into our dark family room/kitchen. VERY excited about that.

       Also have been doing some good deeds in secret and feel good about that.

   11. My fiance and I (our wedding has been delayed / changed dramatically thanks to COVID) just had our offer accepted to buy a house in our dream neighborhood (thanks for those who offered support this week!). We’re thrilled!

   12. So excited. 1) I’m healthy and so are my loved ones 2) Hubs and I got an offer accepted last night on a house we love and can’t wait to move into (let’s hope it’s a smooth transaction) 3) my promotion (title and pay raise) has been signed off on 4) I scored a canister of Clorox wipes in my wegmans curbside pick up order earlier this week (haven’t had any since April)

   13. My two older daughters (17 and 15) expressed a desire to learn how to cook. Rather than figure out recipes and then add all the ingredients to the weekly shop (and risk missing something), I subscribed to a meal prep delivery service…one that does six servings as we’re a large family.

       They cook two meals a week from the included recipes, they’re learning something basic, we’re eating things we wouldn’t necessarily order from a restaurant (tonight was Baja fish tacos with Sriracha slaw and pickled onions), and the cost for two meals/12 servings a week is about the average cost of a single DoorDash order.

10. I missed the travel thread yesterday but hoping for some advice. Husband and I had to cancel our March honeymoon (all inclusive Caribbean resort) booked through Delta vacations. We got a voucher for the full cost of the trip (~$4k) that has to be spent by the end of this calendar year, but can be for travel at any time. So, we could book a trip for 2022, but we have to book it by Dec 31, 2020. Adding to the complexities of how this pandemic might unfold, we were hoping to start trying to get pregnant at the end of this calendar year. Would you book far out and just hope the pandemic has ended and that we won’t be pregnant/have a newborn? Book something domestic that we could take an infant too? Screw it all and still plan for the tropical honeymoon of our dreams in 2021/22 and get great cancellation insurance? Call up Delta and see if I have any other options?

    1. I’m guessing that if you reschedule a trip for 2021 and the situation has not improved you can reschedule again but I would confirm with Delta. If that’s the case, I would probably schedule for early summer 2021 when you’ll be at most 6 months pregnant and there’s a decent chance there will be a Covid vaccine. Since you may be pregnant, be mindful of Zika when choosing your destination.
       Travel with kids is very fun but very different than an adults only trip and I would want to try to make that happen in 2021 if at all possible.

    2. As much as I love international travel, I’d probably book something domestic with all of the current border restrictions in place. Feel like travel with an infant defends so much on your kid’s temperament-would’ve been a breeze with my first child and pure torture with the second (colic, screamed non-stop for the first year of their life.) I went to Newport, RI this past fall and remarked that it seemed like a romantic spot for a domestic honeymoon (Cliff Wall, mansion tours, restaurants.) I hope you are able to take your Caribbean trip to celebrate an anniversary sometime in the future! My honeymoon was a disaster due to illness and a tropical storm, so we had a “do-over” for our 10th anniversary.

    3. Can you check to see if the booking rules have become more relaxed since March? At that point, a lot of companies had “use before X date” policies that assumed the pandemic would be, you know, contained in the US by summer. Perhaps they’ll give you another year to pick your dates?

11. Tips for making a spouse’s birthday special? Normally we’d have a date night, but we are in a COVID hotspot, so that’s out of the question. We have a toddler, and I’m 8 months pregnant (and horribly uncomfortable). DH has already received his birthday present, and I’ll pick up cake and dinner, but I want to do something to make his birthday more special. Ideas?

    1. -Rent a house with a pool for the day (could also feel great for you!)
       -Virtual cocktail making class after your toddler goes to bed
       -Cheesey decorations (streamers, banners, etc)
       -If you’re in a house or have a lawn, maybe one of those companies that comes and fills your yard with signs, plastic flamingoes, etc overnight (and takes them home the next day)
       -Buy a bunch of $1 birthday cards and leave them all over the house for him where he might find them throughout his normal daily routine (ie, taped to bathroom mirror, coffee pot, at home desk, on steering wheel, inside sock drawer etc) number them (1 of 10, etc) so he knows how many he might find throughout the day.

       1. +1. My husband kept his birthday balloons (not helium, just cheap latex) for like a month this year. Somehow it just tickled him to have them.

          1. Great ideas! I think he will get a kick out of the cheesy decorations and balloons, especially since our daughter will have so much fun playing with them!

    2. Not sure if you’re up for this or how much time you have esp w/ toddler etc., but my good friend’s husband reached out to me and many other of her friends asking them to send short video birthday wishes. He clipped them all together for a 40th birthday surprise for her. She loved it!

    3. Tell him you love him and why. Present, cake, dinner, and love is plenty!

    4. So I just went all in on what a toddler would like for my husband’s birthday (hats, balloon, streamers, cake, music). Basically I threw my husband a one-hour kids party just for our immediate family. The toddler’s utter thrill with the whole thing made it surprisingly special for my husband.

       1. To add on to this, my husband is OVER THE MOON excited about the prospect of our future children’s birthday parties and the accompanying bouncy houses, so I’ve been toying with the idea of renting one for his upcoming birthday as a surprise…

       2. I love this!

    5. A friend of mine recently solicited photos we had of her husband and printed them out and put them around the house with fun captions. Low effort, cute idea I thought. I’m a make things special fan, so reading for other ideas too as my H’s birthday is coming up

12. I’ve been in such a rut lately. I’m moving very soon (same area just new apartment / new roommate), I just had a birthday, etc so I’m looking for a fresh start for the second half of 2020.

    What can I do over the weekend to make my new place/new age feel fresh so I feel renewed on Monday?

    1. If I had a new place and I wanted to make it cheerful, I would buy all the throw pillows at Target.

    2. Flowers!

    3. Houseplants.

13. I live alone in NYC and am having a very hard time coping mentally. I go for walks and occasionally meet a friend in a park wearing masks, but nothing else…I work from home, get groceries delivered, etc. On bad days I don’t know how much longer I can hang on being so alone with no one to rely on for support. (Bad breakup not long before this, too.)

    My best friend has told me since this began that I should come live with her upstate. I know it would be wonderful and I’d feel so much better…but she has to work in her office 50% of the time and, while still cautious, also has more outside interaction than I do (sees her boyfriend and another friend regularly, isn’t squeamish about grocery and similar stores).

    Basically, I don’t know how to weigh my mental health and misery against physical risk. I know her office is taking precautions with temp check/masks and hasn’t had an outbreak yet. And only a few people in her area test positive a day (a bit less than 1% of people tested, lower than here in NYC). But if she did get sick, it would not be easy to isolate in her house (one bathroom). I’m terrified of the potential longterm effects of getting sick but I also know if I got sick there that I’d be well taken care of and not on my own.

    I’ve thought about potentially renting near her, but I think she’d be hurt, plus it would kind of defeat the purpose of having someone to interact with regularly…plus I don’t drive, which you need to do in her area, even in normal times.

    I keep seesawing back and forth between “I can’t take this anymore, I have to go there” vs “it would be stupid to take that risk and I should tough it out here”. She definitely thinks I’ve gotten too anxious and that I have PTSD from this spring, after knowing healthy people our age who died or who are still disabled 3+ months after being infected. She may be right that people outside NYC are living in a more balanced way because they didn’t get so traumatized, it’s just hard to know if it’s wise for me to live that way too.

    1. Living upstate without the ability to drive makes no sense. You will be stressing about your friend’s every interaction too. Are you the poster who has been concerned about the elevators? Did you look into therapy?

       1. No, I’m not that poster, I don’t have an elevator in my building and it’s super annoying IMO to keep acting like it’s one person when I know multiple people in my real life who aren’t thrilled about using elevators. JFC.

          1. Normal use of an elevator in an apartment building is not the terribly-high-risk some people are acting as though it is. Wear a mask (which you’re doing anyway of course), touch any buttons with your sleeves, wash hands or use sanitizing spray once out of the elevator.

          2. +1,000,000 the amateur detectives on here are insufferable.

    2. Yes, people are living safe-normal lives now. Please consider taking a train this weekend to get out of the city and see how others are living. You can and should leave your apartment and get out somewhere new.

       1. Thank you. I’m going to!

       2. +1. Going for a visit seems like a good first step.

          Also, as an aside, we aren’t in the city right now, but plenty of friends are, and most of them are living semi-normal lives there now too (meeting friends in the park, getting takeout from local shops, some people are eating at outdoor restaurants, etc.). OP, you could consider going to get a coffee, going to an actual grocery store, etc. at this point. Transmission numbers are so low in NYC right now, it seems like the time to do it.

          1. Thanks very much (and hi, fellow NYCer in exile)! Some of my friends are doing these things too, I just haven’t un-stuck myself from lockdown even though I know it’s a little extreme at this point.

             1. Enjoy your time with your friend outside of the city! You will appreciate having some more space for a while. :)

    3. Depending o where she lives it may also just never have gotten that bad there. I think you can at least visit her

       1. Yes, it never got that bad there…I don’t even think she has any friends who have been sick. Thanks!

    4. Nothing your friend is doing sounds risky to me. Most people I know safely go out and about, meet friends, run errands, and my office is completely back to working in the office.

       If you’re not high risk, I don’t think it’s dangerous to meet people outside, go food shopping, go into an office with precautions, etc.

       1. Thanks. I think it’s just been so different here that my perspectives on what’s normal and not may be pretty skewed.

       2. +1. Your friend is right; you are recovering from having lived through NYC in March and April. But that doesn’t mean you can’t find some peace. Sounds like upstate is a good place to go. Take care OP.

          1. Thanks so much for the support.

    5. She’s right. Either move in with her, start living more in NYC (go to a store. It’s fine. See a friend it is allowed) or start getting way more mental health help. Truly I think her offer is a godsend and you should take her up on it this weekend.

       1. Thanks…that’s how it sounded to me, too, and I will take her up on it.

    6. Elevator poster here — nope this post isn’t mine. I got out to my family’s home — IDK how long I’m staying but stepping outside when I want without seeing anyone because suburbs has been a huge thing. I had always hated city life and this confirms for me that I’m moving to the suburbs permanently.

       OP how long are you staying — is this is a visit or a come stay with me for months? Because in anyplace except NYC you NEED to be able to drive or else you’re 100% dependent on another person and said person is working. It doesn’t sound like you’ll want to go out much but it isn’t NYC if you want to do a Target run to stock up on your own snacks or whatever you have to either drive or wait for the friend to take you (and no not everything sold in stores is available for home delivery).

       1. OP here and I have to say I also doubt you are the only elevator poster! Plenty of people I know feel weird about using elevators/being in big building lobbies and I find the poster(s) who like to police this topic to be super annoying and unnecessary.

          Length of stay could be as long/short as I want, so I guess if I’m not loving it I can always come home again after a couple weeks.

          I’m glad you got away, and what you mention about “stepping outside when I want without seeing anyone because suburbs” sounds amazing to me. I love city life in normal circumstances though I sure don’t love it right now, but what you mention makes sense. In theory I can learn to drive again and my friend is definitely willing to get what I need on her trips, and I realize deliveries might not be as easy to come by.

          1. Sure, but there aren’t that many people with the elevator concerns who would come here and describe it in the same exact way/tone/style repeatedly. I’m also fairly sure that said poster has come back to defend herself masquerading as someone else. It’s fine, shit happens, but if you really don’t want to be identified here, you need to vary up your style.

             1. OP of this thread, will just comment one last time on this topic as I don’t want to start an argument. But even if what you say is true, if choosing between reading multiple posts worried about elevator use vs multiple posts yelling at posters to seek treatment for their anxiety…I’d rather read multiple elevator posts any day.

             2. Lol this is such a weird thing to obsess over.

             3. No. If your identifying anon posters by their “syntax” or whatever, it is you who are the problem. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

             4. Would you guys stop? If you don’t live in NYC you have no idea how bad it was. People could easily, easily be scarred from that. Stop piling on. These two posters are supporting each other. Ask yourself why it’s so important to you to be a jerk to them. Be better.

             5. I’m the anon from 11:29 and my comment was aimed at the Anon who is dead-set on sniffing out “the elevator poster” every time someone asks a vaguely related question. I live in a high-rise in a covid hostpot and I fully understand the elevator anxiety — sorry if that came across differently because I totally can (and do) sympathize.

       2. Elevator poster – so glad to see this update from you! I don’t think you are the only one to have felt anxiety over elevators etc but I am so glad you are doing better! Hugs to you and OP!

    7. Your feelings are valid. Those who would dismiss you as too anxious or whatever have not had the same experiences and have probably not felt the trauma that those of us in early hotspots have dealt with. That being said, we can’t decide this for you. You need to weigh the pros and cons, consider the status of the pandemic in both your area and hers, and decide whether the risks are worth it. It WOULD be higher-risk – that’s not in question. Can you live with that?

       1. Thanks…I agree with everything in your comment. It’s hard…I feel like I’ve done so much to reduce my risk that voluntarily adding an unclear amount of risk seems scary to me…but I’m also suffering a lot from everything I’ve imposed on myself. My friend thinks once I get there and see after 2 weeks, a month, etc. that we are not dropping dead that I will calm down naturally. I hope she is right! :)

          1. I think she is right and you should go see. Reading this site has made it clear to me that the experiences of people in NYC and surrounding hot spots are really different from those of people in other places. We all need to realize that because there is some serious judgment coming both ways. (I also think there are some pre-existing cultural differences that make people react differently, and judge differently.) But the point of the lockdown you did, and putting yourself through all that isolation and trauma, is exactly so you can get out and about now. You should take advantage of it because you earned it and you need to start healing now.

             1. Thanks, appreciate the comment.

          2. I think you are doing the right thing to visit your friend. It sounds like a change of scenery will be good for you and if it doesn’t work out, you can always leave! Good luck and let us know how it goes!

             1. Thank you…a change of scenery will definitely be nice!

    8. How about going there for a week or two, or even a month, rather than moving in with her. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. This way you get a change of scenery, particularly since it’s summer and can get outside in nice weather up there. I bet some time in real nature (i.e. not the City) will be good for your mental health.

       1. Thanks…agreed that I don’t have to look at it as longterm but can just try it out.

14. My 90 day review at my new job is coming up. There was a salary increase that was confirmed by email but not in my signed offer. The increase would be what I asked for in my second interview. We’ve had a lot of big wins lately due in large part to me but based on the industry we’re in and outside factors, things have slowed down. Nonetheless, my boss had already over promised to investors and I am in charge of “fixing” it. Doing my best but like I said, things are just stagnant. I’ve never been in the position of asking for a raise in this situation before, and I know I need to highlight my accomplishments but still…I’m very nervous. I’d like to ask for the top end of the range my boss offered. Things are busy right now in other aspects of the company, and if my review doesn’t come up, do I bring it up? Do I bring up the salary increase (thinking yes, duh)?

    1. I think I am missing something here. Was the agreement that you’d get a salary increase after 90 days? Because it sounds like you were verbally told an amount, but agreed to a lower amount on paper, which I think would be the binding amount. IME 90 day reviews are a CYA for the company to fire you if you’re not working out. Otherwise, they either don’t happen or are a cursory “you’re doing fine – keep it up.” I don’t know what industry you’re in, but in mine it would look extremely tone-deaf to ask for a raise after 90 days. FWIW,I haven’t had a raise in three years; I’m just hoping to make it through this downturn. YMMV, of course.

       1. OP here – If I made a young and dumb mistake for not having my boss change the employment offer, I’ll take the loss. But what was confirmed to me via email was raise after 90 days based on performance (or let go, I suppose). I would normally NEVER ask for a raise after 90 days, but that what was told to me orally when my boss called me to offer the job, wasn’t in the typed offer, so I emailed to clarify what he had said over the phone and asked for conformation.

          1. Yes bring it up! Absolutely. Do so after reciting your list of accomplishments. Good luck!

          2. OP, I’d also try first to be very matter of fact about your raise before you give up on it. I’d say something like, “In our meeting, we agreed my salary would be raised to X after 90 days. I’m following up to make sure that happens.” and if they push back and say Y is in writing, you can say, “I see that’s what’s reflected in the paperwork, although I distinctly remember it being X.” If they still push back, say something like, “I understand, let’s make sure the raise to Y happens.”

          3. Ok this sounds more like you were told you’d get a raise at 90 days, so I’d ask about it for sure. +1 to mentioning your accomplishments and being matter-of-fact about it. I’ve also had to schedule my own reviews before, so I don’t think you’d get the side eye if, after 90 days, you ask for one. Good luck!

15. Hi – has anyone been swayed by IG ads and ordered Iris and Romeo face cream or lip balm? The products look pretty great and I’m being worn down by the ads. If not those products, does anyone have recs for the perfect SPF+color light face cream for summer?

    Or alternatively, anything else you’ve bought because of a social media ad that you really loved?

    1. My solution is to mix the REN mineral sunscreen with a drop of my liquid foundation. That gives me a matte finish with a bit of my own color.

    2. I bought a Summersalt swimsuit and I love it. I also bought Blume Meltdown and it is the holy grail of acne products for me. I used to get awful, painful cystic acne on my chin and jawline, and since I’ve started using this oil after I wash my face and use an acid, I have gotten very few pimples, and when I do get them now, they go away much faster and don’t leave red marks for weeks after.

    3. I tried a few SPF tinted creams. Caveat that I’m pale and have green (olive?) undertones, so it’s really hard to find my color. Here’s what I’ve tried so far:

       EltaMD UV Daily Tinted Broad-Spectrum SPF 40 (only one color) – liked the texture, not sticky after drying, flexible (not dry), doesn’t settle into fine lines. It caused a slight tingle on my skin when applied, which I didn’t love. The color is like burnt mustard. It was too dark and too yellow for me but I would have kept it if the color worked.
       Tarte Cosmetics BB Tinted Treatment 12-Hour Primer SPF 30 – Light – this was fine, although did not provide almost any coverage and left my skin a bit dry. The color was too light/yellow for me.
       ILIA Super Serum Skin Tint SPF 40 – Bom Bom ST5 – I didn’t like this. It was tacky after a normal drying period and I hated the pipette applicator. The consistency was uneven, you had to shake the bottle vigorously and then expel stuff from the pipette and resuck it in. Such a hassle. And really smells like sunscreen (more than my sunscreen). The color stated neutral undertones but was quite yellow.
       Clinique City Block™ Sheer Oil-Free Daily Face Protector Broad Spectrum SPF 25 (only one color?) – I liked the light coverage and texture. It would be perfect if the color worked, but it was too pink for me.
       Dr. Jart+ Premium Beauty Balm SPF 45-light to medium – I liked this a lot, maybe better than the Elta and the Clinique but the color had a purplish base and was the exact color of a week-old bruise on me.
       Buildable Blur CC Cream™ Broad Spectrum SPF 35 – Fair Light (Neutral Undertones) – This works well on my chest where I have really smooth and hairless skin. It doesn’t work on my face. It settles into every pore and fine wrinkle, seems to coat every little bit of fuzz and although I don’t have flaky skin I did when I tried this. The color is the best out of what I tried so far, it’s truly neutral. I also tried the Light and Fair – Light is definitely darker and still neutral and Fair is definitely leaning pink, as described.

       Does anyone has recommendations on what to try next?

       Hope this helps!

16. I need advice, please. I work for a law school on a grant and we put out a report that was very data intensive a few months ago. The data changes monthly so a complete update would require a full redo. There were a few errors in charts that were noticed subsequently. This report will be used by lawyers and provided to judges. The dispute is what we call the corrected report. I think we put date of original and then add Errata published this date. My colleagues want to call it “updated” so as not to call attention to the error. I think that is misleading because the data looks different now. What do you all think?

    1. I don’t think it matters what you call it, but there should be a footnote explaining that data was corrected as part of doing the update.

17. Tell me if this is normal. I’m a 5th year associate, partner track for late ’21. My firm is probably called a regional midsize (50 lawyers) and 6 partners are women, a number that seems to be static through the firm’s history. Firm has lots of institutional long-term clients, associates have no emphasis on getting any new clients.

    I am just now finding out that the firm is not 100% eat what you kill – partners collecting a flat percent of what they collect. I was told the firm doesn’t have originating credit. I’ve now learned, instead of a flat percent originating credit for the partner who brings in the client, the firm requires partners to individually negotiate partner comp for each deal/project/client.

    Example – John, partner, has a client, Big Bank. Big Bank has a legal issue in my speciality. John calls me, as I’m the SME, and asks me to advise on the issue. John and I work out the % I will take home of the collections.

    Same if Big Bank calls me directly – which happens, I speak a lot in the community – as a partner, I need to not promise Big Bank anything, call John and negotiate my % of the collection. If John doesn’t like my %, he can do the work, have someone else do it, or refer outside the firm.

    I have heard that the % the working partner gets varies greatly (30-60%, for small matters even 100%), that it is “usually” between 30-50%. Also, John can write off my time as a partner without my permission, lowering the $ I end up getting.

    I don’t have a problem with John deciding whether I do the work. I do have a problem with individually negotiating comp, all the time. I suspect women lose out and this contributes to why they leave. I know that one answer is building my book, so I’m going to work hard on that, but am I crazy for thinking this individual negotiation stuff isn’t normal? I feel like partnership is this secret box!

    1. That’s how my midsize form does it. I think it’s a terrible system that discourages team work and cross selling the firm and it’s not a partnership I’d want to join.

       1. That’s a really good point about team/cross-selling. I hate the idea of looking for a job in the pandemic, although am lucky to be in a practice area that is likely to go up, but I’m not sure this comp system is good for me. It’s good to know we aren’t the ONLY firm that does this, though!

    2. I think that’s how it is at a lot of firms (if not most – I can specifically name all of the firms I know that are more than like 5 people who are actually eat what you kill, it’s pretty well-known in my town who they are). The basis for this is to (a) reward relationships, and (b) level out comp a bit. Perhaps your firm devalues women, and that’s a real risk, but I wouldn’t automatically assume that it does.

       1. +1 This is normal in firms that do multiple lines of work for a single client. And it will be helpful to you when you bring in a client and need a partner in another substantive area to help them.

    3. I’m not in law, but transnational real estate finance. We are 100% commission and negotiate every single deal, which can be 20+/year. Does your firm have a good policy or framework for the one-off discussions? I think that is so important. Our company does, which helps immensely. We have a fixed 40/60 split baseline between origination/execution for every deal, and then you carve up the pieces from there. You learn, though, there is merit to bringing in your own clients as you just control the conversations and frankly make a lot more money. Senior partners I’m close with are generally fair, but there are always piggish ones who take more than I think is reasonable (especially in your scenario where Big Bank calls you directly – that happens to me a lot as Senior Partner is very senior and at their vacation home 6 months out of the year but wants 60%+ of the deal).

       As it relates to retention, I think the comp structure 100% has to do with our weak retention among women (that, and CRE is just terrible for women in general). Most people are entering into partnership right as they are getting married and having kids. I did mat leave in my first year and it was brutal, between the setback of business development both while pregnant – nothing says, “trust me! I’ll always be available to you” like an 8-month belly – and then being on maternity leave itself. You can truly never unplug. I’m a masochist and love what I do, and we get paid handsomely for it, so I fight through. We have a lot of associates who are women and I’m personally committed to leading them by example, that women can be successful at this gig, hard as it may be.

       1. *transactional real estate finance

    4. This is also how my large (multi-state; but not “Big Law”) firm does it. A partner’s client stays that partner’s client until they die or retire and the “relationship” partner has final say in everything – including how comp is handled – even if another partner independently brings in another line of work. It does not generally turn out to be a huge issue on a daily basis; they generally default to 50% unless there is something unusual.

       It can be good or bad. It means that partners will feel more comfortable letting someone else work on their client’s cases without fear of losing control of the relationship or having their client get pissed off by over-billing. However, we have lost some clients when the partners who have been doing all the work for years get tired of splitting the fee with the person who met the client at a party 10 years ago and brought in one case and leaves – taking the client with them.

18. Can we do an updated book recommendation thread? What has everyone been reading lately? Hoping Sloan Sabbith is reading today since she probably reads the most books of anyone here…

    As for me, I’m reading Better Angels of Our Nature (Steven Pinker) and I like it a lot. I also enjoyed Rodham and was so-so/positive on So You Want To Talk About Race (I thought there were some great points, but that I wasn’t sure who the intended audience was – it seemed a little basic for the more “woke” crowd, but too jargon-y for my just-learning-that-white-privilege-exists Democratic family members). The best book I read this year so far was Say Nothing.

    1. I recently read the Alice network and the huntress and loved both

       1. Also loved the Alice Network even though the Charlie St. Clair storyline felt totally unnecessary.

          1. I’m the OP and I liked but didn’t love those books. I’m not a huge fan of the “jumping around in time WWII novel” genre and I think that it felt particularly unbalanced in these books.

             1. I’ll be honest, I hated The Alice Network, and books about women in WW2 is my favorite topic right now. I thought Charlie was just annoying and her story was boring.

    2. I just finished The Hundred Year House by Rebecca Makkai and thought it was great. I had already read The Great Believers by the same author on the recommendation of somebody here, and I sobbed at the end of that one. Hundred Year House was less emotional, but just as gripping.

    3. I feel like I’ve had a really good reading year. Some things I’ve enjoyed: (for reference, I love literature in translation, integrational family stories, stories of immigration and identity, and whimsical fiction)
       Fiction: Promising Young Woman, Dominicana, Such a Fun Age, Before the Coffee Gets Cold, The Ungrateful Refugee, The Stubborn Archivist, Convenience Store Women, Kim Jiyoung, Weather, How We Disappeared, Exciting Times, How to Be Both, Red at the Bone, In Diamond Square, Rodham, The Vanishing Half, Beach Read
       Non-Fiction: Guest House for Young Widows, Learning from the German, Hood Feminism

    4. Comment in mod with a long list of books – so check back later if it doesn’t appear.

    5. Recently read and liked to varying degrees:
       Doing Justice (by a federal prosecutor who worked in NYC. INAL so this was an interesting peek into how the justice is supposed to work)
       The Romanov Empress (historical fiction about Anastasia’s grandmother)
       The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks (must read!!)
       Evvie Drake Starts Over (“chick lit” but with some underlying themes that make a bit more raw/real)
       Bad Blood (about Theranos, couldn’t put this down)
       The Song of Achilles (I’m usually not big on myth retellings, but this was beautifully written)

       I also read Rodham and am still unsure how I feel about it weeks later. I enjoyed certain ideas and passages, but the book overall is still a little odd to me given the current reality we live in.

       1. I thought Romanov Empress was great. It was everything I wanted Allison Pataki to be.

          1. Thanks for sharing – I was thinking of reading that soon.

       2. **the justice system
          whoops :)

    6. Whistleblower by Susan Fowler
       Pretty Things by Janelle Brown
       Dear Edward by Ann Napolitano
       Agency by William Gibson
       The Warehouse by Rob Hart

    7. Recently finished Home Before Dark from Riley Sager. I really like all the books from this author. Currently reading Dark Sacred Night from Michael Connelly, which is second in the Renee Ballard series. It’s good so far.

    8. I just finished “28 Summers”, and loved it. While it is definitely a “beach book”, it had a lot more depth to it and a lot more story lines than what was written in the book summary.

    9. Fiction: Djinn Patrol on the Purple Line, The Night Watchman, The Doomsday Book, The Heir Affair (sequel to The Royal We), The Empire of Gold (last of a trilogy), The Mirror & the Light (also last of a trilogy), The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes (Hunger Games prequel)

       Nonfiction: The Cooking Gene, Why Fish Don’t Exist, Hidden Valley Road, The Lady’s Handbook for Her Mysterious Illness (didn’t totally agree with everything in this book, but a fantastic portrayal of chronic illness)

    10. Two very different recs: I just finished Get a Life, Chloe Brown by Talia Hibbert and loved it, and am about 75% of the way through The Cities We Became by N.K. Jemisin. I’m enjoying it a lot so far.

    11. So far in 2020 I’ve read Nothing to See Here, The Vanishing Half, Evicted, The Handmaid’s Tale, The Ruin, No Visible Bruises, Night, The Splendid and The Vile, A Woman is No Man, Last Train to Key West, Circe, Indistractible, The Power of Vulnerability, How to Talk so Kids will Listen, Thank You for Arguing and Never Split the Difference.

        My favorite fiction books were The Vanishing Half and The Handmaid’s Tale. Both were wonderful. The Handmaid’s Tale is, of course, a classic. The Vanishing Half was beautifully written, touching and surprised me with how much it made me think.

        Favorite nonfiction: The Splendid and the Vile (fascinating history of Churchill’s strategy in WWII) and Never Split the Difference (this book has made a huge impact on my professional life). Evicted was also great and very eye-opening.

        I read Say Nothing last year and it was fascinating.

19. Now that stores are open and I can run my errands like normal there are two things I want to do.

    I want to quit Amazon and I want to stop buying things made in China. Has anyone managed to do these? What are your best tips?

    1. I quit Amazon this year (but went crawling back when everything closed) and the things I found helpful were making a list of purchases so I’d do a batch of errands. I also found that if I had to go to a physical store, I might realize that I didn’t need it.

    2. What are you currently buying from Amazon? For pet food, I do auto-ship from Chewy or just buy food when I go grocery shopping. I find I really don’t buy much from Amazon. I buy all my household stuff when I go grocery shopping.

       1. I was moving this direction but not being able to find the basics at my grocery store has made it much harder! (Basics: mold & mildew tilex (or off-brand, I don’t care), kleenex (or Puffs, whatever but not aloe and in a cube, not a large rectangle), all-purpose dilutable household cleaner, and on and on, it’s so frustrating that the supply chain is still struggling to adapt after four months.) I try to mix Target and HEB but I definitely backslid (by a LOT) on pushing Amazon out of my routine use. Also, does anyone have a good resource about how the treatment of Amazon workers compares to other large retailers (Target, regional grocery stores, Best Buy, Lowe’s, Staples/OfficeDepot)? I was under the impression that they drastically underpay but have seen otherwise lately and wonder if I was misinformed.

          1. with your mention of HEB I am guessing you live in Texas. HEB has a good reputation generally for how it treats people and I don’t know where in TX you are, but I’ve generally been able to find cleaners, Tissues, etc. at HEB or Target

             1. I am in Texas, and I have the same general idea about HEB treating its people well but I don’t actually know if well = better than Amazon. Just something I’ve pondered since grocery stockers became front-line essential workers that aren’t compensated as such.

                Target is a decent back-up but not nearly as reliable as it was, and HEB online is nearly useless for household stuff (I get the feeling that in-store is substantially better, but I really only do delivery and curbside). It is ever so slowly creeping back to normal and I fully acknowledge my first world whine! At this point, it seems to be easy enough to get SOME version of the necessities, just not the version you want from the place you happen to be shopping. A small price to pay in today’s world, but has the effect of pushing me back to Amazon for the convenience.

             2. I think this is where your “why” becomes so important. You have to have a reason that resonates with you so you’ll be ok not getting exactly the thing you want. Maybe Target (or your store of choice) has only rectangle Kleenex. If your reason for not shopping on Amazon is well formed and resonates with you, there will be a point when you can locate a product that’s close enough and you’re ok with it.

          2. The Home Depots in my area have a huge section for house cleaning products. If you don’t make regular trips to Home Depot or Lowe’s, you could check there.

    3. No real tips beyond buy used things when you can, but I’m interested in stopping buying things from China to the extent possible as well. Would love to hear any brand recommendations for clothing made in the US or from trusted partners.

    4. I stopped buying from Amazon more than a year ago and haven’t missed it. I think the biggest way to set yourself up for success is to decide WHY you want to stop ordering from Amazon. Do you want to avoid shipping? Do you dislike Amazon specifically? For me, it was the second reason. This means that I do allow myself to order online from other places sometimes. The fact that I no longer just search for random whims on Amazon has cut down on the online shopping all together, though, so I order maybe one package per month rather than one or more every week I was ordering from Amazon. I also unsubscribed from Audible and subscribed to Libro.fm instead.

       The second most important thing is to accept that it might not be as convenient or cheap to order from other places. It was important for me to stop giving Amazon money, so I’m ok with the tradeoff. If I feel grumpy about paying a little more or waiting a few additional days, I remind myself of why I wanted to make the change and that helps me.

       As for how to do it– I have a whiteboard on my refrigerator where I write groceries or paper goods I need as I think of them, and I take a picture of that before going to the grocery store. If I want something specific online, I have a list in my head of where I turn for those things — Target for random stuff, Ulta or Dermstore for cosmetics, etc. I also have a list in my head of local places that I try for any item first, and I just live with the fact that I have to delay gratification if I’m not going out that day or if they don’t have an item I want and I need to order from Target instead. It really doesn’t take that much time and I am much more intentional with my purchases now.

       1. +1 to all this. Haven’t used Amazon in forever.

       2. +2

          I quit Amazon and it was much easier than I expected. While I was buying everything from Amazon, a lot of other retailers caught up in terms of fast shipping and good selection. I buy a lot from Target (I like ordering and picking up because there’s a store on my way home), also Bed Bath & Beyond and Costco. For other things there are a lot of specialty stores that sell on Amazon but also sell directly online from their own web sites.

    5. I look for labels about where something is made on everything I buy. I buy stuff made in China as an absolute last resort. If it is just a nice to have stuff, I just live without buying that item if non made in China alternatives are not available.
       I was never a huge amazon person. I may buy stuff may be once every three months or so. I just don’t know what people buy so much from amazon !

    6. Yes, I have! And I live in Alaska where you can’t even buy most things in person. To cut out Amazon I buy directly from the retailer or manufacturer. This has been easy for me to do because shipping is never free or fast from anywhere, even Amazon. I mentioned this to a friend who lives in DC and he said he’d have to get used to not being able to order something and have it show up more or less immediately. And more recently I’ve made much more of an effort to find things at brick and mortar stores in town, even if I have to pay a little more.

20. Cancer help? My BF’s mother was just diagnosed with lung cancer. She’s only had one appointment – not sure what tests they did (I’ve asked BF to find out) – and the first biopsy is scheduled for a couple of weeks from now. She came away from the appointment with the assumption there’s nothing they can do, she’s too far gone, both lungs are “riddled” with cancer. I have little exposure to cancer, and no exposure to lung cancer, but this seems strange to me. I thought they didn’t tell you, yes definitely you have cancer, until after the biopsy? And if there was something super concerning, they would schedule the first biopsy a lot sooner, not in like 3 weeks? But maybe COVID has changed all this? They’re in a small town but only an hour from a major metropolitan area with a cancer treatment center.

    The whole family is beside themselves. I’m furious with a doctor who let mom walk away from the appointment thinking she has a death sentence when they haven’t even done a biopsy yet. I’ve urged BF to encourage mom to get a second opinion – interview as many doctors as she needs to until she finds someone she clicks with. Are there other resources that can help walk the family through this first bit? Give them some hope?

    1. I think it’s possible that the misunderstanding may be on the mom’s part & someone should definitely accompany her to her next visit to clarify what is actually happening. Proceed from there.

       1. As someone who has been through a cancer surgery and two knee replacements, a giant YES to taking someone else to actively listen and take notes.

    2. first – all my sympathies. my MIL died of lung cancer last year after battling it for 4. I remember that first call when they told us. it was horrendous.
       second – I’m surprised by the fact that they would give this death sentence without a biopsy too. but if it’s all over then maybe they were able to assess. that’s the type my MIL had, stage 4 due to how extensive it was.
       There are a number of treatments available these days, but it depends entirely on the type of cancer, so this is when the biopsy is critical. they’ll likely run DNA testing. Until they have that, they won’t know if it can be treated medically or not. If not, she has the option to do trial tests. it’s hard, but can buy some time. I was pregnant at the time of diagnosis, and being in the trials allowed my MIL to meet her first grandchild and build memories with her.
       regarding doctors – wait until you know which kind of cancer they’re looking at. then you’ll be able to see who is the best in that field, or who is the best connected with trials.
       Best of luck to you, supporting a partner whose mom is sick is no mean feat

       1. I lost my dad to lung cancer 3 years after diagnosis. Hugs to you and OP.

          A chest x-ray and CT scan were conclusive enough for a preliminary diagnosis in his case — it covered both lungs and was stage IV. The biopsy confirmed the initial diagnosis and was used to identify the type of cancer along with genetic mutations that could open up treatment options. I do recall there was a substantial lag between the biopsy and the first round of chemo — this was in a top hospital with an excellent cancer center, pre-covid — so that part (unfortunately) sounds familiar.

          Good luck to her — take lots of pictures and videos.

    3. My dad had lung cancer diagnosed by chest x-ray and CT scan. Confirmed after the fact with a biopsy. We knew from the day of diagnosis that he would need surgery to have a hope of surviving the only question was whether it would be a lobectomy or full lung rescission. It ended up being the latter, but nearly 5 years later he is still alive and considered cancer free. Its possible that things that look/sound very bad in the beginning may not turn out so bad, so hang in there.

21. Loving the Blanche’s bedroom flashbacks to this, even though it’s not my style to wear… it would sure make me happy to see on someone else (though I’d want to talk about the show for hours!)

    1. YES! I immediately thought of Golden Girls when I saw this top. Nothing but love…although I won’t wear this.

22. Anyone have a rec for a small, simple wristlet? I want a little zippered pouch to hold my keys and credit card when I want to run into a store quick without dragging along my entire shoulder bag. Searching the usual places is only giving me giant wallet monstrosities with twenty slots for cards and space for an entire photo album. Maybe I’m using the wrong term?

    1. Kate Spade used to make exactly what you’re describing, in a variety of colors. If they’re not still making them, eBay or Poshmark probably has some.

    2. Athleta’s Coffee Run 2.0 wallet might work. Just ordered it, so haven’t checked it out in person, but like that I can clip it to a belt loop or waist pack.

    3. I have a Lo and Sons one that would fit the bill, but it looks like they don’t make it anymore – I imagine it would be available on Ebay/Poshmark and the like.

    4. My phone case has a place for money and credit cards, as well as an attached keychain. I just carry it everywhere… Might be an option for you.

    5. Vera Bradley card case.

    6. I have something like this from Coach, it’s not leather but a logo vinyl and cleans up really well.

23. Considering moving to NYC at the end of this year or maybe in the Spring. I am single, late 30s, so probably would want a studio or 1 bdrm depending on cost. Income is about $60k so budget would be tight but maybe doable, thinking living in an area like Harlem would keep me in budget and not too far from subway lines. Considering costs and thinking about how I would need to find all of the furnishings. Not sure which are problems I can throw a bit of money at but is there a way to get even semi-decent bedbug free furniture delivered and such without it being crazy expensive? (Where I grew up, there were discount furniture stores everywhere with next day delivery and you could furnish an apartment for under $1k but not sure what is possible in NYC.) Not sure I want to live in a mismatched college kid apartment set-up but are there groups for friends who are redecorating or have too much and want to sell super cheap but higher quality stuff? (That said, I feel a bit like someone moving into a first apartment since I have nothing and don’t have an eye for decorating, so I also picture myself on the mercy of others someday to help me make the space feel like home!)

    I think the logistics are all that is hindering my turning this from a thought into a plan so sorting this out seems like the right next step!

    1. Honestly furniture is like not a real problem. The issue is that budget would not just be right but an incredible struggle. Furniture is easy- save up your money now to buy it later. What’s hard is living in NYC on 60k a year.

       1. This. Furniture’s not the problem. $60k in NYC is the problem.

       2. NYC is very hard on $60K/year with no roommate. I have a friend who lives in a loft. A loft for furniture, like your freshman dorm, not a loft was in Dial M for Murder, Gwyneth Paltrow edition. What does NYC have that your current city lacks that you are moving here? NYC has a lot of dodgy housing that is shockingly expensive and if you aren’t from there, it seems that we’re exaggerating (but we aren’t). Friends and Seinfeld are lies.

       3. +1, I personally could not live in NYC on that salary, it would make my life miserable and I doubt I’d be able to save at all.

    2. I like Aptdeco dot com

       Try to spend some time here and get to know neighborhoods before you move here. 60k won’t get you far in many areas of the city, but the majority of New Yorkers live on less than that and are fine. I’ve felt “comfortable” since hitting 75k.

       1. +1. People on this board have bizarrely inflated income ideas. When I first moved to NYC I was making about 35K a year, and my husband and I had a child when our total HHI was about 150K. I know a lot of families with multiple children that probably make less than that. It all depends on what you are willing to live with and what you need to feel “comfortable.” I’m an artist and work in the arts, so for me NYC offers jobs that just and opportunities that are very rare elsewhere.

          Are you willing to have a roommate? If so you are fine. If not, it may be a stretch but it is certainly possible, especially if you are willing to have a longer commute. Look at Inwood if you must be in Manhattan, or join the rest of us plebs in the outer boroughs.

    3. You can find a small studio for ~$1500/month, so it’s not impossible, but it would be tight, both from a budget and living space perspective. If you want to live in Manhattan, look at Washington Heights, Inwood, and Hamilton Heights for the best value and access to transportation. Also, when looking at listings, watch for promotional pricing. A lot of landlords are giving discounts and listing net effective rent, but the discount may come at the end of the lease. Pay attention to what your monthly rent would be.

       I’m hoping the pandemic and migration from the city will start lowering prices and rents, but am not yet seeing significant evidence of that.

    4. My BF makes around 65k and has a large 1 bedroom in (what I think) is a cool area of Brooklyn – Crown Heights – and a car; he lives pretty comfortably, though frugally (has cable TV but doesn’t travel and buys less clothing than I do). As our relationship has evolved I pay for more stuff, but we were still going Dutch or he was paying for our dates even prior to his moving in with me this spring (he keeps his own apartment). He also still manages to save for retirement. With the caveat that his building is pretty gross and I wouldn’t personally live there, I think there are definitely opportunities for you to live in NYC on 60k.

    5. Try Wayfair.com. There are often coupons online. I recently furnished a three bedroom townhouse for about $1500 (couch, one queen mattress and frame, three twin matresses and frames, tv stand, side table, dining table and four chairs, and area rug). Did not buy any dressers, though. The quality is decent and everything looks nice. Free delivery though some items took an extra day or two to arrive. Assembly was pretty easy, too. Good luck!

24. I was thinking about what you said and wishing I had your mailing address, then I could send you photos of your favorite celebs in the mail, so there would be tons of women you didn’t invite who showed up at your home, except in a way that the memory would make you smile.

    While I am so sorry for your pain, I am so glad you won’t be wasting any more tears or time wondering if you had done something or what will happen next. I am so excited for the future stories of your redecorating or rearranging, of celebrating when things are finalized, and of hearing all of the great things you will do with the time you once wasted on someone so clearly unworthy of you and your awesomeness! <3

    1. That is so sweet – I hope that she sees this!

    2. I just saw this- thank you so much!! I really appreciate all the heartfelt thoughts on this Board. It has brought me so much comfort in a really painful time.

25. I already have problems with insomnia, but this week its out of control. I have been wide awake until 3:30-4am, and then forcing myself to get up at 10:30am. I drink one coffee at that time, no other caffeine. I like to use an indica strain marijuana at night to help me relax. I know the tried and true method of beating this is to wake up earlier and then your sleep time will shift back eventually, but I have to be careful because not getting enough sleep is a migraine trigger for me. Any tips on shifting my sleep time so I fall asleep earlier?

    1. Lifelong insomniac here. The first rule is that you have to be incredibly consistent; there is NO room for messing around.

       Develop a bedtime routine. Dim lights, put the phone away, take a shower if you are used to showering at night. Get off the phone. Do not go to bed until bedtime.

       Once you are in bed, only use bed for sleep. You need to train your body that bed = sleep; if you lay awake in bed, you are teaching your body that bed is the place where you are stressed and awake. If you are tossing and turning for more than 15 minutes, get up, leave bed, and do something.

       If you fall asleep somewhere (e.g., the couch), then do not mess around when you wake up. Turn off the lights and go straight to bed. Do not brush your teeth, “just” move the laundry around, check your email “for a minute.” Lights out, bed. Promptly.

       Consider sleep aids: ZZQuil, Benadryl, Unisom. My rule is that after a half hour of trying to sleep, I take a sleep aid.

       Do not radically change your sleep schedule. You are getting up at 10:30 am; set an alarm for 9:30 am and get up. You’re screwing up your circadian rhythm by getting up that late.

       1. These are good suggestions.

          You know what you need to do. You have to get up earlier to shift your clock.

          There are people like you, who naturally are night owls. My Dad is like you. It practically destroyed my parent’s marriage, and his career. But what helped him was a sleep doctor, who he originally saw for sleep apnea, but who diagnosed and treated his sleep shift disorder.

          He takes a tiny dose of melatonin at night (usually around 8pm for him) of 1.5mg – 1/2 of the Costco melatonin pill. For you, start taking the melatonin at midnight, and then every week shift it 30 minutes earlier until you are falling asleep and waking up at the hours you prefer and getting 8 hrs of sleep a night. And in the morning, you get up with an alarm… no matter what. And while eating your breakfast, you sit in front of a Happy Light. Ideally, you go outside for a walk and get natural light, but Happy Lights work well. The light helps shift your clock and wake you up. The melatonin at night helps shift your sleep time earlier.

          Of course, no caffeine in the afternoon/evening, cut out alcohol for awhile, and exercise daily (a walk is exercise).

          Good luck.

    2. I think you should try a low-dose melatonin about 40 min before you head to bed to get your sleep going for a few days. Also if you’re up from thinking, I would journal before trying to sleep.

26. What is your target savings amount for retirement? Is there a number you’d want to hit that would make you comfortable retiring before standard retirement age?

    1. 4M and a paid-for home.

       We’re having kids later in life (both 40 and expecting our first shortly, and plan to have 1-2 more – with frozen embryos already banked since we had to do IVF for the first, so it’s realistic for us to have 1-2 more children when I’m in my early/mid 40s). Given this, we’ll probably both retire around the standard 65ish.

       1. does the 4M include the value of your home?

          1. No. 4M liquid in retirement accounts/other accounts, plus a paid-for home.

    2. 2 million, based on the 4% rule. Beginning at age 55, my husband will have a pension paying 75% of his highest salary but I like to pretend that doesn’t exist.

       1. That is a nice pension! How I wish I would have something like that.

          Can I ask why pretend it doesn’t exist? That is a HUGE retirement benefit and is likely worth more than 2 million over you and your husband’s lifetime, no?

          1. Not OP but possibly just for motivation. Also, in case the state (if a government pension) or company goes bankrupt & the pension never materializes or is reduced.

          2. It’s a great benefit and we are very fortunate. I pretend it doesn’t exist because I always wonder about the what ifs. What if the state pension fund runs out of money? What if we end up getting divorced? What if he gets injured on the job and can’t work anymore and isn’t entitled to the full amount? (though he’s vested so IDK about that). I’d rather over-save than under-save. We may end up with a very cushy retirement after a solidly middle-class frugal life, but I’m okay with that.

             1. Understandable. I am like you – a bit of a worrier. But you never know.

             2. This is actually very smart and what my MIL/FIL did – my husband tells stories of about how cheap they were when he was growing up, but now they have a fully paid off house and a pension from FIL’s work, plus rental income from a property they inherited – and my FIL still works part time so they are not fixed income. I wouldn’t call them rich by any means, but they definitely have a “cushy retirement” and are able to travel as much as they please, give money to their kids/grandkids, etc.

    3. 2 million. For retiring early. And I have a very simple life and live in a vintage 1 bedroom apartment. No kids/partner.

       The cost of health care becomes astronomical as you age, if you want to retire early without being eligible for Medicare. And if you have medical problems, even with good insurance you can have a lot of out of pocket costs.

       For example, I do takes for one older family member, who has good retirement insurance. Medicare plus a retiree plan. And she has a lot of medical issues. She still winds up paying over $20k a year for out of pocket medical costs + premiums/co-pays with meds + non-covered items. Remember, Medicare does not pay for dental/vision/hearing aids and a lot of medical equipment/supplies/supplements etc..

       But with 2 million savings, I still wouldn’t have enough to afford a good retirement assisted living / Continuing Care facility and accept that I would spend down and eventually go on Medicaid.

       And if I become less independent with aging with multiple serious medical issues, I would probably end it early.

    4. I think we could do it on $1 Million in a low cost of living area, however, my husband will at least work until 53 so he can collect his full pension. The 1 Mil takes into account what we would get above and beyond that from his federal pension, access to health benefits and eventual social security.

    5. Oof these numbers just make me feel like I’ll never retire. I’m mid 20s, save as much as I can, but with a government job I don’t make a ton.

       1. Invest what you can early and consistently and you will be fine,

       2. You probably get a pension, though! Plus some people here are very, very conservative.

       3. Government jobs might not pay a ton, but they can give you a really good chance to save for retirement, even now that the days of pensions are past in most places. It certainly varies from place to place, but my husband and I have worked for two states and both of them had mandatory employee and employer contributions to a 401a that added up to 10-15% of our salaries, plus the ability to contribute to a 457 and a 403b (19.5k x 2 for each of us per year which was more than we could actually afford to contribute). The 457 allows early withdrawal with no penalty once you leave the employer. All of these investments are in very low fee funds. Our salaries are much, much lower than most people that post here, but we live frugally and we’re able to save a large fraction of our salaries pretax and have easy access to some of it as early as we want. Don’t underestimate how that can help!

       4. If you’re mid-20s, you have 40 years to save for retirement. Time is on your side! Putting $500 a month aside for 40 years, assuming a $0 initial investment and 8% growth rate, would be 1.554 million. Play around with the online compound interest calculators.

       5. Same on not making a ton, but my expenses are only about $30k per year and I don’t want for anything. The only wildcard for me is health insurance. If that got sorted out, I’d feel pretty confident retiring at around $1M in savings.

    6. I think about it a little differently. I think at 1.2 million, I’d be financially independent for life. I would still work, but when I choose to, and ideally I’d have a good chunk of time each year set aside for personal projects.

       To never work again? Agree with the 2-4 million range. But I actually like work when it’s on my own terms. I don’t want to just chill on the beach after flipping a retirement switch! I want to work, but when and how I want to.

       Caveat: single, no kids, own a 1 BR condo and will own it outright in about 15 years. I recognize this is not the situation for most people on this board.

    7. Ideally $5 million. We have just over $9,000 saved at the moment in liquid assets (investment and retirement accounts (ages 32 and 33)) and once our student loans are paid off, we’ll be able to contribute an additional $4,000 a month to investment accounts,

       1. *$900,000 saved at the moment.

    8. I don’t think I’d retire much before 65 unless I was so fabulously wealthy that I could afford to keep myself busy all the time and could weather any sort of downturn in the stock market.

    9. Maybe $5M excluding home equity? I am around $3M net with 15% as home equity. Single and at this point resigned to staying single. I’m 39 years old. I don’t live high, but I have seen what medical expenses can do to solvent, responsible people in this country.

       It has occurred to me to pursue a romantic partner from a country that would allow me to benefit from universal health insurance. This could reduce my retirement needs down to $3M or so. Given my nest egg, said partner would not need to have much money or income.

    10. I don’t have a number for you but we also use the 4% rule.

    11. My husband and I are aiming for $1 million each, so $2 million combined. LCOL area.

    12. Healthcare is such a wild card that our plan is just to save as much as we can and then see how things look when we’re 50 (which is in 15 years).

    13. I heard somewhere that the amount should be an amount where you’d be comfortable living off 4-5% of the amount annually.

        For us, a married couple, we are shooting for 2.5-3M. We are 36 and up to 800k between the two of us. We want to have 1M by 40 and are on track. We have 3 kids and are saving separately for college. We also live in a home worth $900-$1M (?) and owe about $550. When retiring, we’d sell the house and buy the new smaller home in cash.

        We are to retire in our late 50s, once all 3 kids are out of college.

    14. $1 mill in retirement accounts, paid off houses (we have a summer and a winter place and don’t want to change that in retirement) and I have a pension that will be 70 to 90% of my salary depending on the age I retire. The unknown to me is health care costs.

27. Those of you who are attempting to online date now, what is typical for your first interaction? Video dates? Phone chats? In-person masked, distanced chats in a park? Guys seem to be all over the place with what they suggest and I guess there is no real rule or standard.

    My situation: in a major city with cases slowly rising but relatively low. I WFH and have groceries delivered. Go for outdoor walks and runs but otherwise go nowhere indoors. No outdoor dining, restaurants, bars, etc. Have met up with 1-2 friends at a time for masked, socially distant walks or coffee runs. So I’d say I’m pretty cautious.

    I worry that suggesting a video date kills the mood or is awkward, but like, why waste time meeting someone in person if there’s nothing there, especially in a pandemic!?

    1. Video first for me (or phone chat if they prefer). Yes it can be awkward but to me it avoids wasting time and more importantly doesn’t expose you to someone you wouldn’t have been interested in.

    2. In my experience the guys have been all over the place too. I think my preferred sequence of events would be chat on app, chat via text, one or two phone or video calls, then in person meeting at a park with masks. Maybe this is a conservative approach but I’ve had so many bad first dates that I’m not potentially risking my health for someone I really don’t know.

    3. Not sure if you will see this so late in the day but just want to say that it is hard. It’s kinda like the gardening talk but you do it earlier. I’ve had good luck with video dates and honestly might suggest those in the future since it’s a time saver. You are going to get guys that want to meet up in person socially distant, in person normal, or stick to just phones. Honestly, it depends on what you are comfortable with. I personally find it easier to be close with someone if they also live alone/have little interaction outside. Ive found once I decide I like someone, it’s easier to decide the level of comfort (walks w/o masks, normal dating behavior etc.). Just do what you are comfortable with. If the guy is worth it, he will work with you.

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