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Updated: Dec 23, 2020 146 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Purple Seat Cushions

Coffee Break | ·

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I can't remember where I first heard of Purple cushions (they're the sort of thing you'd see in an Instagram ad or hear about from a podcast ad), but the reviews are very positive, so I thought I'd give them a try. Their “Purple Grid” design reminds me of the egg crate foam mattress pad that I had in college, but this structure is definitely more advanced! (My favorite color is purple, too — but the black, machine washable cover covers it up, unfortunately!)

Purple's line of cushions include designs for office chairs, hard chairs, cars, and more. They also make pet beds, mattresses, pillows, and other items. Their cushions come with a 30-day trial, 1-year warranty, free shipping, and free returns. 

I bought the Simply Seat Cushion, which I kind of regret now, because it's designed for a car. I knew that at the time, but it was $59 and I didn't want to spend more than that. Also note that the “sit-time” is designated as 0–4 hours as opposed to the 8+ hour guideline for the $99 Double Seat Cushion, which is made specifically for office chairs. I wish I had read more carefully and noticed the 30-day return period, too, because I probably would have switched. (Has 2020 tanked my focus? Signs point to yes.)

I definitely recommend checking out Purple cushions, especially if your home office chair isn't the best but you don't want to invest in a better one right now. Purple Seat Cushions

(By the way, these are some of the top chairs readers loved in our recent roundup…)

collage of 5 desk chairs
Above, the best office chairs for women in 2024 (reader favorites): one / two / three / four / five (also, I've bought this under $50 option and liked it) — don't forget a floor mat!

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Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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About Kate Antoniades

Editor of Corporette since 2014, Kate Antoniades lives in her hometown of Rochester, NY. A cat person and Oxford comma loyalist, she loves thrift shopping and has too many craft supplies.

Comments

  1. Bad hair

    What are the most professional looking low maintenance ways to do your hair during COVID? I missed the window of getting a haircut in my area that’s now a hotspot, and my January cut is definitely past its prime. I now have wavy past the shoulder hair and cannot figure out what to do with it to be on video calls to look more polished. I am a ponytail person in my non-work life but find that looks weird on me on camera.

    • Anonymous

      Can you add one of the wide headbands that are popular now? I wear those a lot on video calls with my hair in a low bun or ponytail. It looks like I tried, when in reality I just plopped it on my head.

    • Airplane.

      Sweep it all over one shoulder and do a deep part. If it’s past shoulder length the video won’t show the messy ends. I find my hair looks neater on camera when it’s over one shoulder and otherwise clean and brushed.

    • Carmen Sandiego

      I’ve recently become a huge fan of the top-knotted headband (I got a bunch of them from Anthro). I don’t think that its the most professional look out there, but I feel a little more put together with it, esp on days that I don’t want to wash my hair.

    • anne-on

      I like my hair half up and pinned back – I do find it looks better (on me) parted to one side as opposed to in the middle. If you DO wear your hair twisted up and back (in a barette/chignon/claw clip/scrunchie/whatever) I’d make an effort to make sure you have on some makeup and possibly earrings or a necklace, I find it adds some visual interest your hair would normally have back into the frame. I’ve been able to get away with mascara/blush/lipstain most days since the camera washes me out too much to pick up on foundation/dark spots.

      • Anonymous

        I think this is the answer—pull the top back and keep the rest behind your shoulders so no one sees any split ends or uneven growth. You can pull half of it up into a ponytail instead of all of it to modify your regular ponytail habit :)

        • Ellen

          Or you can do this and more with a schrunchie. I have been using schrunchies for years now and neither men nor women have ever objected to them. Moreover, they have become quite popular and you do not have to go to the MidWest any more to get the nicest schrunchies!

    • Small Law Partner

      I’ve been doing a low ponytail and pinning things that don’t reach the hair tie with bobby pins. I went into Covid with a pixie cut that was in need of a cut. I think it looks not great on camera on me either, but I think we’re all just doing the best we can. I found putting on some earrings and makeup, esp. brighter lipstick, helps. But even a lot of men I work with who didn’t have long hair before are also getting into tucking behind the ears/ponytail territory now and generally looking a bit scraggly.

    • Ribena

      My hair has just got long enough that when I put it in a French braid it can trail round and over one shoulder, which helps to mitigate the ‘it looks like I have no hair!’ issue. Otherwise, in a braid or just loosely into a doubled ponytail at the back, with some of the front bits pulled out so there’s some movement there.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Can you lean into your natural texture? Maybe a salt spray or a curl cream could give your waves a bit more definition.

    • Anon

      I have had success recently with a low ponytail slightly to one side, so it shows over my shoulder. It does not look like a side pony on zoom. I also have bangs, but that’s a very personal decision. I’ve had them forever.

    • LaurenB

      Just out of curiosity – are there parts of the country where hair salons still aren’t open? (We opened them here in Illinois in June, so I was just curious.)

      • Poppies

        Yup. My stylist still isn’t open (the salon was open for 2 days before the county closed down again). No re-opening in sight.

      • Anon

        I read it more as missing the window where she felt safe to go. With surging case counts in my Midwest state, there’s no way I would go now. I should have gone in June, but I stupidly thought things would be even better in July.

      • Anon

        Not open here in Berkeley CA. My husband had luck getting one in Walnut Creek a couple of weekends ago (his stylist moved to that salon out of desperation) but now that’s closed too. She’s now offering up backyard haircuts, sadly.

      • Anon

        Um….did you somehow miss that dozens of states have rolled back reopenings and closed lots of businesses that were previously open?

      • The original Scarlett

        San Francisco, never reopened. In the small window that neighboring counties opened, I got a cut and color done, but that window was small and if you missed it you missed it.

  2. Anonymous

    The covers on my couch (fitted piece + covers for backs and seats) could use a thorough cleaning, and it would be nice to give some business to a local dry cleaner. Anyone have a ballpark estimate of what I should expect to pay?

  3. Anon

    Gift for a young woman about to start med school? I would normally get her a spa gift certificate, but that’s out for now.

    • Anonymous

      Something nice for her apartment or more likely a gift certificate to buy something she needs/wants for her apt? Med students in year 1 are almost always in just lecture classes (i.e. not in hospitals yet). Yet given that she’s starting during a pandemic even if she’s back on campus, a LOT if not all her study time will be from her apartment as I know even universities that are opening don’t want people camping out in libraries as they usually do plus studying in coffee shops etc. is out. So a comfortable office chair, a printer if she prints things etc. goes a long way. If you don’t want something so “practical,” how about a decorative lamp or piece of art that she can keep and move onto future apartments, wherever she goes for residency etc.

    • Alina

      How much money do you want to spend?

      Random things that may be useful –
      – Swell water bottle
      – Apple watch or similar
      – Laptop bag or case
      – Netflix/Hulu/Disney+ subscription if you know she doesn’t have one
      – Giftcard to a bookstore
      – Fancy hand sanitizers/hand lotions/other things
      – One of the other monthly delivery subscriptions. I feel like this would strike the right balance of being a luxury no grad student would get for themselves, and still self-care-y like a spa certificate would be

    • Anon

      Poster above is correct that even if she moves to the area, most course activity will be online this fall and a lot of university libraries will not be open for studying. A serious desk chair would be a lovely if expensive present; laptop riser/ring light/ second full-size keyboard/mouse? iPad? I am finding my monthly flower subscription to be a really spirit-lifting addition for WFH and I just bought the Form 006 vase from East Clay Ceramics and I love it, it makes my home office look very serene and pulled together. Gift certificate for luxury bedding?

    • Abby

      Things DH used a lot in med school:
      coffee maker, desk chair, spotify, backpack. Snacks/meals/a subscription box would be useful!
      The other comments are correct, the first two years aren’t in the hospital, so it’s a lot of studying at home, probably all lectures will be online this new year.

    • Anonymous

      Check out Franish. She’s been through medical school and had some good ideas.

  4. HSAL

    Ages ago someone here talked about how she had a weekly cycle for dinners. I always liked the idea but have only recently implemented it, so I thought I’d share in case someone else is tired of thinking about meals.

    Day 1 – breakfast for dinner
    Day 2 – tenderloin or pork chops/roast
    Day 3 – some type of pasta
    Day 4 – something in the slow cooker (I like chicken and dumplings and beef with frozen egg noodles)
    Day 5 – something on a bun (burgers, bbq pork or chicken, sloppy joes)
    Day 6 – Mexican (tacos, quesadillas)
    Day 7 – pizza

    This has made grocery buying and meal planning so much easier. Highly recommend.

    • Senior Attorney

      I used to do this when my son was at home. Our favorite was “every man or woman for him- or herself night.”

    • BeenThatGuy

      I love this! I’ll add that we have a cereal night a few times a month. We all take out our favorite boxes and leave the milk on the table. We read the boxes while we eat and it makes me feel like a kid again.

    • Anon

      Our only regulars are Taco Tuesdays, Pizza Fridays (usually delivered) and Sunday Roast (usually chicken.) I like your idea of a regular breakfast for dinner night.

      We also either do hot dogs/sausages in buns or hamburgers on the grill for weekend lunches, especially now that we are reliably home all weekend. Sometimes one on Saturday, one on Sunday. For a real treat we add chips and dip – green onion dip in sour cream, preferably.

  5. Anon

    How do you communicate to management that the blame for a mistake lies with someone else without looking petty? I normally handle a certain type of task, but a colleague recently did one on his own and made a major mistake. It is not my responsibility to supervise or review his work, nor did I have any knowledge of what he was doing. I recently got an email (with executives cc-ed) addressed to me and him asking us to confirm the mistake was made and explain why. He hasn’t responded. What do I say?
    (This is more than just a minor mistake, it’s a possibly fire-able offense so I really want to cover my you-know-what, but “its’ John’s fault, not mine” feels very petty.)

    • AFT

      I’d normally say that you should try to handle as graciously and discretely as possible, but since your job could be on the line, this is one where I’d pick up the phone and call the sender to say “I saw your message and assume John got back to you to clarify what happened on his end – do you need me to help untangle this issue?”

      • anne-on

        I may be paranoid, but I’d call AND email so you have a paper trail. Something like ‘I normally would handle this task, but was not involved/assigned to it for REASONS. John was managing this effort, so I’ll defer any questions on the work to him as I don’t have any first hand knowledge to offer. I’ll also follow up via phone call to see if I can offer any support to address the issue or insight on how it may have happened.’

        • Monday

          +1. If the mistake was this bad, I would do both. John may be annoyed, but this was on him.

          You may also want to clarify early on, in stark terms, that you have no authority over John and no knowledge of his assignments. I’ve noticed that people sometimes think that because I am senior to someone, I am accountable for their work, when in fact they don’t report to me in any way and we are officially on the same level. I try to make it sound like humility when I’m really covering my a***.

        • Amber

          Agree with this. I think you need a paper trail. Make it clear in the email that you did not handle this at all or have knowledge of it. “I did not handle or have knowledge of this matter so I defer to John to respond to your questions.” Good luck! That is a tough spot to be in but given the severity of what happened, you have to make sure they know it was John.

    • Airplane.

      Hm can you keep it simple and factual? “I normally handle X. Not sure why John handled X this time and was not aware this X was being handled this way.” This is hard because without more detail it’s hard to tell if you are supposed to “own” this area as a subject matter or task expert and he should have known come to you, or if you are in charge of the entire process and should be aware of this task no matter where it’s happening in the organization and should have stopped him or escalated to senior people to prevent him from doing it at all.

      • Anon

        It was fine for John to do it, and I knew he was doing it. Basically, what happens normally is that he asks me “can you do X?” and I do it and give it to him. This time he did it himself instead of asking me, which is fine and has happened before. The problem is entirely with how he did not, not that he did it. I believe the email is addressed to me only because the author of the email (John’s boss) knows I frequently do X for him.

        • Anonn

          Can you be short and sweet: ” Hi Boss, I didn’t work on Widget this time around. I’ll defer to John to answer your question.”

          • Monday

            I think this is great for more minor errors, but for something fireable I’d probably want more distance from it than this.

    • Anon

      “Hi, Charlie,

      After receiving your email, I reviewed the referenced project. As John handled the project, I am not able to offer substantive analysis of the situation. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.”

        • Cat

          It seems very stilted to me.

          I would 1. ask John if he’d replied already but dropped you, and if he stays silent, then 2. say something along the lines above, like “Although John has brought me in on Issue X in the past, I wasn’t looped in on this project, so I’ll defer to him on the response.”

    • Anon

      “Hi,
      John did x this week, so I’ve cc’d him to respond”

      That’s all you need to say. And do not ever communicate that you though this was a fireable offense, or even a big deal. Be as easy-breezy about it as you can be.

    • OP

      Thanks all, I did the shorter statement like Anon at 3:17 suggested. I think I was kind of between a rock and a hard place here. John and his boss are super close and I think John will face zero consequences and his boss will probably roll his eyes at how uptight I am for sending the email I sent. But John’s boss doesn’t like me, and if I had been the one who did this, I think I would have in huge trouble. So I feel like I need a written record that I had no involvement in this even if it makes me look like I’m not a team player or whatever.
      Yes, I need a new job but the pandemic kind of put the kibosh on that…

  6. Minnie Beebe

    I’m very confused by the photo of the Purple cushion– is it just me? I have no idea what I’m looking at– there seems to be two hands, but what’s the oddly-twisted thing?

    • Anonymous

      I had the same reaction. I think the twisted thing is the side of a third wrist/hand. I cannot figure out why there is a tangle of hands on top of a seat cushion.

      • pugsnbourbon

        I think it’s a close-up of someone sitting cross-legged on the cushion. You see her two hands, one of her knees (in ribbed leggings) and one of her ankles.
        Definitely a weird pic to showcase a seat cushion.

    • Anon

      haha I posted the same thing below before seeing your post.

      whatever it is, it’s a big fail on the advertising/web design department there.

  7. PHX escapism

    Before lockdown, I had spent some time in Phoenix, specifically in the historic neighborhoods near One Arizona Center / Art Museum / etc. To me, it is the platonic ideal of weather, city, old-ness, etc. [IRL, I know it is a sprawling car-dependent city and none of the people I’ve know in PHX have ever lived in this area; they all go for giant spreads in far north Phoenix.] Maaaybe I’d like Tucson better if I didn’t have a job or were a professor / retireee (mainly: doesn’t get so hot, but, as they say, it’s a dry heat).

    Has anyone relocated from the East Coast (specifically: DC) from BigLaw? I went ahead and am licensed there and could probably work remotely at my current job since that is all anyone is doing now anyway.

    I have no family there, but everyone tells me that it is a city of transplants and not to worry about that (and that many people have families who follow them to PHX or Sun City, etc. as retirees).

    • PHX

      I moved from NY (Long Island) to Phoenix and I love it here so much. The weather is exceptionally nice, except for July and August (right now, ugh).

      Downtown Phoenix where you mention is revitalizing; I don’t live there but my 32 YO niece lives there so I am down there all the time, eating and going out with her. I enjoy that because it has great restaurants (not all chain restaurants, like the rest of Phoenix).

      One of the best things about Phoenix is it is such a great hub: 5 hour drive to San Diego (beaches!), 1 hour flight to Orange County, 4 hour drive to Las Vegas, 4 hour drive to beaches in Mexico, 1.5 hour flight to Colorado (skiing!), and plenty of options for flights to the east coast.

    • Anon

      Phoenix is the grossest city in the US, in my opinion. So sprawling, so hot, so full of idiots. It’s only going to get hotter and water will only get more scarce. There are good burritos, though.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks — a lot of were priced out of walkable places full of farm-to-table restaurants and beautiful people. I guess we are the bread baskets of deplorables eating at our Olive Gardens and hibachi-style Japanese steakhouse.

        • Anonymous

          On the bright side, this person can stay away & eat at her local Jersey Sizzler.

    • Anonymous

      It sounds lovely & I’ve kind of heard the same things. My one concern would be the terrible politics and the sexism & racism & everything that goes along with that. I’d at least want to wait until the COVID-19 numbers stop spiking there/the pandemic is over.

    • Anonymous

      We moved to the Phoenix area from California nearly two decades ago. It is a city of transplants — it is rare to meet someone from here. We were only planning to stay a year for a job but then my parents decided to move here and we felt stuck. Our area is walk-able — we skipped the giant spreads. Pre-COVID, I was able to easily take mass transit to and from work (I still could, I just won’t right now). The politics here are horrifying. The summer is unbearable — we bought a second home in the mountains and escape the heat every chance we get. On the other hand, cost of living is good, most of the year it is livable with things to do, and with the low cost of living, it was easy for us to afford a second home (the cost of both homes combined is way less than we paid for our home in California over 20 years ago). Sky Harbor is also really easy for travel. And FYI, it is not a dry heat in the summer. It is really humid in monsoon season.

    • Anon

      My sister is moving to the area. No fewer than three different people involved in her house hunting said some version of, “we’re a red state and plan to stay that way – don’t move here if you don’t agree with us.”

    • phx

      Haha, I am making the reverse move. I am very familiar with Phx, having lived here for over 30 years (other than for school).

      Pros: Cost of living. Good Mexican food. No “old money” culture. Easy to get involved in local charities. Proximity to CA and accessible airport. Almost never have to worry about parking. Desert hiking, if you’re into that.

      Cons: Underfunded public schools (among the very bottom in the country). Right wing political scene (see, e.g.: Trump rallies in the midst of the pandemic; Ducey’s original ban on localities enacting mask requirements and disastrous Covid response; significant opposition to higher taxes to fund schools; a high likelihood that some coworkers will be avid Trumpers). Urban sprawl and lack of effective public transportation outside of localized areas (it’s impossible due to the amount of sprawl). Uncomfortably hot weather which is easily 6+ months and only getting worse. Droughts and water shortages. Few outdoor activities with shade. Skin cancer capital (at one point at least). Public universities not nationally recognized for quality, so it’s harder for grads to get jobs outside of AZ

      On the practice side: Heavily real-estate-oriented local economy and “bro” business culture. A good contingent of local clients are not at the same sophistication level as in other cities, which has its headaches. If you can work remotely for your current firm forever, this is less of an issue. Fewer quality in-house opportunities.

  8. Anonymous

    Hive – I could use some positive vibes. I qualify for testing in my state due to lightheadedness and increased fatigue. I don’t think it’s Covid but I am going to go get tested as I’m around people a lot in my job. I hope it is negative, of course, but I’m terrified – absolutely terrified – about the actual testing experience. I have heard it feels horrible and I’m so scared…not sure what, that they’ll hit a nerve or something. I don’t have anxiety, but I’ve had really negative healthcare experiences in the past (routine blood draw damaged a ligament, requiring months of PT, severe complications from pretty standard surgeries, etc.). I’ve watched videos and it’s not making me feel much better. Any reassuring tips, words, “I survived,” etc. is much appreciated!!

    • Anon

      I haven’t been tested but my mom and husband have both been tested (my mom multiple times, I think 5 times total now) and they both said it was really no big deal and was just mildly uncomfortable.

    • Anon

      Not sure if this is the case in your area, but my city has actually started using shorter swabs so it wasn’t nearly as bad as I was expecting.

      • Cat

        +1. For a self-administered test, you are handed what is basically a regular size Qtip, and swab your own nose – while higher than normal and kind of tickly, it’s not painful.

        For the nasopharyngeal version, if you have to – some people thought it wasn’t that bad, others had the nurses proactively apologizing… have heard that taking painkillers about an hour prior may be helpful.

      • pugsnbourbon

        +1. I’ve also heard that testers are more familiar/practiced now, so it’s both faster and more comfortable. Some people involuntarily get teary-eyed, so take tissues. Hoping it goes smoothly for you with minimal discomfort!

    • Monday

      I survived x2. I hated it (it was the long nasal swab both times), but it was over quickly. Plan a “prize” for yourself afterward.

    • Anonymous

      Omg it’s really totally fine and not a big deal at all. It’s an unpleasant three seconds. Not signing up to do it daily for fun but completely fine.

    • Anonymous

      Aww please don’t worry! I’ve been tested four times (long story) and it’s no big deal at all. “Horrible” seems like a huge exaggeration to me. Like getting a shot or having my period are 10xs worse than a Covid test.

    • Anonymous

      I survived the long swab. It wasn’t comfortable but I don’t think it was worse than say, getting soda up your nose or something. I would not dread having to do it again at all.

    • Anonymous

      I had the long swab at a hospital prior to surgery and I guess they wanted to be really thorough because it was agonizingly painful and long, close to 15 seconds per side. I’ve gone out of my way to not do anything that would put me in a situation where I would need to be re-tested; as a person who has been through several life-or-death situations, this was nearly as traumatic as being in a car accident. I get that it needs to happen and is the greater good, but mine was horrific.

        • Anonymous

          Yes, mine was both sides – this was in mid-May. Are they only one-sided now?

        • Jules

          Mine was both sides, about two weeks ago. It was more uncomfortable on one side than the other for some reason, but not excruciating, and pretty quick.

          • Go for it

            Mine as well, first side was more unpleasant because I wasn’t expecting it to be really deep. Your eyes will tear, you may utter an obscenity or two, then you’ll go get ice cream :))

    • Anonymous

      It’s not the original “brain swap” where they go deep back. I’ve had two and it’s just the front of the nostril opening with something small like a qtip.

      • Anon

        It really varies based on location and what type of entity is testing you. I have friends and family that have had the nasopharyngeal (the “brain” one) recently before medical procedures. The college I work at is making undergrads get tested and they don’t have to get nose swabs at all, it’s just a spit test.

    • Anon

      Thank you for posting this. I have had the short self-administered swab which was totally fine. I’m supposed to have the long swab prior to a non-urgent medical procedure and I have indefinitely postponed it at this point in time because like you, I’m terrified of it. Please report back and I hope it goes well!

    • AG

      Ironically, I was tested this morning. It wasn’t fun…but wasn’t “horrible” by any means. I took aspirin about an hour before and it felt like getting soda or chlorine water up my nose. My eyes watered a bit, I kind of rubbed/squeezed the outside of my nose, and then forgot about it until just now.

      As a point of reference, I’m the girl who asks for the smallest needles they have and don’t look when the nurse draws blood or gives me a shot.

    • Anon

      For me, it wasn’t terrible, and I had the standard long swab from a nurse in a hazmat suit.

      I walked away thinking everyone was being a giant baby about it.

      I’d rather have 15 COVID tests than a pap smear, to give you a sense of relativity.

    • Mrs. Jones

      I was dreading my test, and it was not as bad as I thought. It was a weird tickly feeling but didn’t hurt.

      • anon

        DH (who is usually, lets say, very sensitive), said it was like the irritation deep in your nose when you sneeze, nowhere near as bad as he expected.

    • Amber

      I feel the same as you about dreading the test! I don’t have a need to get tested now but it is definitely something I have thought about! Good luck – please report back!

    • Anon

      It didn’t hurt. It made me involuntarily sneeze all over the nurse, which was embarrassing but she was wearing full PPE and she said the sneezing happens a lot. It was definitely less uncomfortable than a pap smear and pap smears aren’t something I dread.

    • Anonymous

      I got tested last week with the deep nose swab and it wasn’t bad at all. Like the posters below said, way better than a Pap smear.

    • Anonymous

      Jumping in late and you may have already been tested…my sister has been tested 8 times and finally came back positive. She works in a long term care facility.

      She said only one of the 8 times was uncomfortable.

      Friendly she had every single “classic”‘COVID symptom. She almost better but said s the sickest she’s been in a very long time (notably, though, she hadn’t had the flu in decades if ever- her experience was on par with my relatively recent very bad flu experience, just with more of a rainbow of symptoms.)

  9. Ribena

    There was some chat on the morning thread about bathroom redecoration. I wanted to share some changes I’ve made to mine which was a little grubby looking and boring. I eventually want to do it up properly but in this case I spent £200 to make it feel much more luxurious for now. It is painted Farrow & Ball Pavilion Grey, with all white fixtures and fittings. In the Beforetimes I showered at the gym six times a week so I barely used my bathroom, but now I obviously am using it all the time. Just thought it was worth sharing in case anyone else is feeling uninspired!

    I got new shower curtains in big wide colour block stripes of dusky pink – search Hay Aquarelle. Then new towels to match – two each in bath sheet and hand towel sized (one in use and one in the wash!). If I shared my bathroom with someone else I would have picked a second shade that matched the shower curtain differently and got the same again. I’ve just sewn hanging loops into those towels to make life easier too. (I got them from M&S – there are definitely US suppliers so I won’t share further details! I’ve never bought myself fluffy towels before, I always used to carry towels to the gym so the priority was drying quickly). I also got a matching pale pink Koziol caddy to hang off the shower unit and corral all my shower products.

    Still on pre order is a new shower mat – again a really nice one which will go with everything else.

    It’s not going to make the room look brand new but it already feels much more like a room I want to spend time in.

    • pugsnbourbon

      That sounds really nice! Great idea on adding the hang-loops to the towels. We did a “refresh” on our bathroom – I painted the walls and vanity and put in new flooring (vinyl plank). We looked at putting in a tiled shower vs. the resin tub surround, but that was $$$$ and not a task we felt up to doing ourselves. I still need to pick out drawer and cabinet hardware – I get overwhelmed by the options!

      • Ribena

        I currently have H&M hand towels which have built-in hanging loops and I have always thought it’s a great idea. It occurs to me that if I put up a Command Hook next to my kitchen sink they can become kitchen hand towels in a second life.

  10. Equestrian Attorney

    A friend of mine (used to be a close-ish friend, but we live far apart and haven’t been in touch much recently) just announced on social media that she and her partner had their baby. She had announced her pregnancy and I had sent her a congratulations message back then, that’s the last time we spoke.
    According to the post, the baby was very early and is in the NICU. The post was cryptic, but it sounds like the baby might either not make it or be severely disabled. My heart is breaking for her and I want to say something but I’m not sure what. “Congratulations” seems tone-deaf, but so does “I’m so sorry”. Any advice? “Wishing you and your family all the best” or something like that? Is there any kind of gift that would be appropriate here to convey that I am thinking of them?

    • Anon

      this is one of those situations where there is no “right” thing to say, but i think something along the lines of “Wishing you and your family all the best” is on the right track. Depending on where they live, but a giftcard to starbucks, uber eats, a restaurant near them, etc.. i had a baby in the NICU (though one who i knew was going to be fine, so totally different experience – not even worth comparing) and one at home (i had twins) and it was hard to find the time/energy to eat, cook, etc. there is a blogger, pinch of yum who has some posts about her experience with a stillbirth, which is obviously not the same thing, but i think she included some resources/thoughts on how to try to be helpful

    • Anon

      Do you know any of her current friends well enough to message them and ask if there is a meal train?

    • Anonymous

      This happened with a coworker of mine a few years ago. On advice from folks here, I sent them a couple of super cute outfits that are NICU friendly – I think I ordered everything from Amazon. I also sent a nice card with warm wishes. FWIW coworker and I weren’t close at all, I had monthly calls with her and I think I met her in person maybe once. But she really appreciated it, she said it was so fun to dress up her daughter in something adorable and cheerful (that was still safe). Any life is still a life to be celebrated, ya know?

    • Nesprin

      “My thoughts are with you and kiddo- hope that you’re doing well” + restaurant gift card? I had a friend who had 28wk twins in the NICU for 8 weeks- it was absolutely awful, even knowing that at 28wks, her kids were most likely going to survive, but brain damage/hearing loss/lung issues were things that she worried about constantly.

  11. anon

    I posted this in reply to dafoddil’s comment in the other thread, but thought I would repost here since I posted a bit late an I am curious about what people here think.

    I am wondering how it is that people to decide to leave vs. stay after cheating? My husband cheated on me last year and it was to hell and back, and he has been so remorseful and making amends. My solution at the time was to stay and work on things and decide later (we have kids, he’s a great guy in every way except for the cheating, was remorseful, I was too overwhelmed to decide what to do, etc), but a year later and I am very happy with him in the moment and the way things are, but just can’t forgive him so I am still not sure whether to leave or stay.

    • Anon

      It’s obviously a personal decision but to me some big factors would be 1) whether or not we had kids, 2) what the cheating was, like was it a one night stand at a conference or was it a long-term emotional affair, 3) how committed was he to fixing the marriage and to what extent he was taking responsibility. I think on all these points your situation is quite different than daffodil’s. To me, what her husband did with the gaslighting and telling her he needed time and space to figure out whether he wanted to be in the marriage (without admitting the cheating) is worse than the actual cheating.

      • Anonymous

        This.

        “Not sure about our marriage” =/= “by the way, I am cheating on you in this very house when you are gone”

      • Daffodil

        Exactly. Plus swearing to me that there was no one else, and he didn’t want to see anyone else.

    • Senior Attorney

      I’ve never been cheated on, but I have spent YEARS on the fence about whether to leave or stay. I will tell you that the indecision is just awful. There’s a book called “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” that’s kind of old but might be helpful to you.

      Have you been to individual therapy? That would be my first step for sure. Beyond that, I’d urge you to make a decision one way or the other as soon as you feel like you reasonably can because again, the indecision is just awful.

      Hugs to you. So sorry this happened!

      • Senior Attorney

        P.S. I ultimately decided to leave and it was the right decision for me. YMMV, of course.

      • Anon

        When I was questioning my first marriage (I was married to the silent but seethingly angry type, not an issue of infidelity) I went to a therapist on my own and asked, “How do you know when it’s time to get divorced?”

        She was this super wise been-around-the-block older woman, and she said, “in my experience, people wait too long, until it becomes so glaringly obvious that they can’t stay one more day.”

        And in the end, that is what happened with us. I wish someone had sat 31 year old me down and told me to take her more seriously, instead of waiting until I was 33 and couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as him.

    • Monday

      Maybe an obvious question, but have you done counseling either together or alone?

    • Been There

      My ex husband cheated on me, and the marriage did not survive. He had a long emotional-turned-physical affair that he confessed to me. I told him it was his choice as long as he’d agree never to talk to her again and to get counseling with me, but he wouldn’t agree to those terms. In the moment, I wanted to stay and fix the relationship. In the end, I’m very glad he chose not to pursue the counseling because the marriage was not a good one, even outside the cheating. I also had a suspicion he was cheating months earlier, and he said no and blamed me for all the problems I was “imagining.”

      In hindsight, I would have considered (1) whether it was a one-off physical situation or if they were involved emotionally, (2) the health of the marriage in general, and (3) whether gaslighting was involved. That book Senior Attorney suggested is a really good one. The health of the marriage is separate from how great he is. Someone can be a nice person but the relationship is not good for some other reason.

    • Anonymous

      It’s ok to feel what you feel. No one can tell you what the right answer is… and maybe there isn’t a “right” answer. I think the best you can do is make the decision that’s right for you today. And tomorrow you’ll do the same thing.

      I’ve been cheated on and I didn’t leave because of the affair. I should have left, though. The affair showed me that he thought very little of me or our marriage. It was the first time he crossed a Very Serious Line and I should’ve taken it for the giant waving neon red flag that it was.

      All that said, I don’t think cheating is necessarily a dealbreaker. I speak from experience when I say it is far from the worst thing one spouse can do to another. I’d want to know why it happened. I’d want to know what this incident means about his view of me and our marriage. I used to think a one time “mistake” at a bar was less of a big deal than an ongoing affair but now I’m not so sure. If you’re still in the stage of your life that you want casual sex and your rationale for breaking our vows is “idk it just happened” then you’re not ready for marriage. Sorry but I don’t want a manchild, and I don’t want to be a ball and chain holding someone back from the life they actually want. But there are other circumstances that I might find more forgivable. Maybe I’ve been withdrawn due to my own mental health struggles that I refuse to manage and I haven’t been present as a partner for him for a long long time. Doesn’t excuse cheating. But I can understand it and it gives both of us a path forward to come together on. I think I would feel very helpless if he was the only one who had something to work on.

    • Pink

      I think this is a very personal decision and there’s no single right answer. Two of my friends have experienced cheating spouses and shared it with me. They both have kids. One reconciled, one is in the process of filing for divorce. I think they’re both making the right decisions for their case. I’d encourage you to read “Leave a Cheater Gain a Life.” It will either really resonate with you, or she will seem like a crazy person and maybe that will help you decide to stay? Either way, Obviously I don’t know your specific situation but I hope you hear me that you are a human being who has worth and IMHO you don’t have to settle for someone who doesn’t value you enough to not f*ck someone else. Not even for the kids – maybe especially not for them.

    • Anon

      As a divorce attorney, one thing I would personally consider is whether I could trust him to solo parent during his time with the kids, assuming I didn’t have grounds to terminate his parenting. There are a lot of really bad dads (and moms) out there that get solo parenting time that probably shouldn’t. If I was in one of those situations, I’d wait until my kids were old enough to have some agency and speak up if things weren’t okay at Dad’s house.

      • Anon

        Most people who cheat aren’t bad dads though, right? And I actually think a divorce can force a bad dad to be a better one, if his issues as a parent stem from not being involved enough as a parent or not pulling his weight around the house. I know several dads who left all the parenting and housework to mom and had a rude awakening (in a good way!) when they were suddenly responsible for getting dinner on the table and getting kids out the door in the morning.
        Obviously if there are issues like abuse or dr*gs it’s a different story but I think those problems are thankfully rare.

        • Anon

          I mean, my sister’s cheating ex wasn’t a bad dad when married to my sister, but afterwards he prioritized his new wife and new children with her. Eventually his new wife said “them or me” and he chose her. He became a bad dad.

        • Anon

          I don’t know. Sadly, I’m going to trust the divorce lawyer on this one rather than a few in-social-circle anecdotes.

      • Anon

        I agree. The more social capital men have, the more they can get away with too (even when the kids do speak up).

    • Daffodil

      For me, it would have been different if it was only the cheating (although, I still likely would have kicked him out- esp since he brought her to our house). Here, I knew there was something going on with him in early December, but with the death of my close family member and the holidays, I didn’t sit down and force it out of him until a month later. At that point, he said he had anxiety, etc about our marriage- there was nothing wrong with our marriage, but since we got together when we were so young and hadn’t been with anyone else, he had these existential doubts.

      So, I gave him time to process and think. We did see a couples counselor, but she ultimately said husband had to decide whether he was in or out before we proceeded. He has suffered from similar anxiety episodes before, and this seemed similar.

      During that time, he watched me cry myself to sleep many nights and have to get a weekly therapist. That’s the part that kills me about this- he could have prevented all my suffering and let me start moving on in December, but instead lied and watched my pain.

      • Monday

        Again, this is an awful story. But I appreciate your therapist for laying down the line with him so you didn’t waste any more time. So often (including with my past marriage) the person who isn’t happy only agrees to counseling when they already have one foot out the door. Maybe it’s about easing their guilt on their way out.

      • Anon

        Ahhh I want to kill him on your behalf. You are so much better off without him, but this is so needlessly cruel. I really hope there are brighter days ahead for you.

    • Anon

      I’m not sure “once a cheater, always a cheater” is universally true, but it has been universally true in my inner circle of friends and one sister. That may be why you’re uncomfortable with staying. OF COURSE you have trouble forgiving him and trusting him. That is the consequence of what he did. If he tells you differently, he’s probably gaslighting you.

      • Anonymous

        Right — and if he demands privacy from you, esp. on his phone, IMO it’s because he is at it again

      • Anon

        I cheated on a college boyfriend and have never even thought about cheating on my husband, for a data point the opposite way. But I certainly understand why someone would never be able to trust a partner they know has cheated on them.

        • anon

          +1, I cheated on a boyfriend in my 20s (kissed another guy) and he broke up with me for it, completely understandably. But I never did it again or frankly even thought about it, maybe because the guilt still haunts me to some degree now.

      • Anon

        The men who cheated on the women in my life, unsurprisingly, blame the women. Both the wife/girlfriend, and the mistress. The wife or girlfriend was making them miserable in some way, the mistress was tempting him.

        If you’re with a man who doesn’t say “this is on me, 100%, no one else’s fault” then he’s still OK with cheating on you in the right circumstances. And he will always be able to find the right circumstances to justify future cheating.

  12. Anon

    As part of an interview process, I last heard from a company almost 3 weeks ago, saying it might be some time before I hear about any offer because the internal process is taking longer these days (makes sense). Normally, I’d think it’d be OK to follow up just after 2 weeks after the last update (so like, today). I’m sure they haven’t forgotten me, but still feel like I should send a brief follow-up email to check in. My gut tells me it’s fine and not bothersome to ask, but I’d like to ask the audience for their feelings. Any reason why a brief follow-up to check in would be inappropriate? FWIW, I’ve perused AAM on this topic too.

    • Abby

      I did this in January! I had my last interview, they said they’d let me know in a week, and two weeks went by and I slowly told myself I didn’t get it. I decided to reach out via email 2.5 weeks after, and they replied asking to set up a call, where they offered me the job. I was worried I was bothering them, but it didn’t seem to matter.

    • AFT

      I feel like 3-4 weeks is when I’d consider a follow up. As you know, they’re not going to forget about you, but it’s a matter of their timeline controlling versus yours.

  13. Anon

    Just in case you didn’t see my late post on the morning thread, THANK YOU to AIRPLANE and CountC for sharing their Deciem recommendations. I saw your posts this morning and on yesterday’s afternoon thread and I will look into each of your recs.

    I am also sad I missed the Indian Matchmaking discussion this morning. Darn conference calls keeping me from what I really enjoy! I love Arpana. I know people think she’s obnoxious but I read somewhere that she was cast because she is so funny, and I do find her funny. Especially when she says she haaaaates comedy. And seriously, she’s happy with her life. Why should she change herself? I notice the only people the matchmaker expects to change are the women…. Arpana and Ankita are the real heroes.

    • Airplane.

      Yessssss! Good, report back what you get and your reviews after a few weeks of use. And CountC and anyone else into skincare, this is going to sound weird but I’ve learned a lot about skincare on TikTok. I follow a number of derms and estheticians on there and they have short informative videos about pea size amount, dot application, what to pair what to not pair in the same am/pm regimen, active ingredients, how acids and peptides moisturizers, oils, water based serums, peels work. Same with Caroline Hirons book.

      And agree on aparna and ankita! Don’t settle, don’t lose yourself for a man. I know aparna said silly things that come off a little conceited but shrug I still like her spirit.

  14. Anon

    regarding today’s recommended cushion, I cannot for the life of me figure out what I’m looking at in that picture. I see two hands, I see a cushion,but in between??? what is that?

    anyone else?

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