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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Randi Ombré Skirt

Maybe it’s the inevitable result of spending almost a full year wearing comfy clothes, but I seem to have developed a near allergic reaction to wearing anything form-fitting. I want to toss all my sheath dresses and pencil skirts and replace them with A-lines and more flowy cuts.

This ombré skirt from Kobi Halperin looks like a fun, breezy piece for summer. To make it office-appropriate, I would wear it with a tucked-in black blouse or cotton sweater. For weekend, I would add a bright sleeveless top and some dangly earrings.

The skirt is $268, marked down from $358, at Bloomingdale’s and is available in sizes XS–XXL. (There's also a red version on final sale for $107.33, although it's in lucky sizes only.)

Two more affordable options are this pleated ombré skirt from Banana Republic, which comes in two colors and is on sale for $35.99/$71.99, and this pleated ombré skirt from DKNY for $169.

Sales of note for 12.5

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

307 Comments

  1. After a clerkship I am starting a job in government next month (in person). I am interested in fashion but seeing my husband just mix and match 10 pants and 10 shirts over and over again and realizing how much “mental space” that would save me has made me realized that capsule wardrobe is the way to go.

    So I would like to built a very curated capsule wardrobe where (almost) everything matches. How would you go about this? What is the minimum amount of clothing I should buy. Do you think I can get away with 10 dresses and some jackets and call it a day?

    1. If you have been clerking, don’t you already have work clothes? Seems like you could start there.

    3. -My climate would require a few pant suits and heavier pieces.
      – I wouldn’t buy all at once.
      – Start with 3-4 dresses that go with 2 jackets, see if it matches what everyone else wears in terms of formality.
      – If you like your idea after a month, fill out the rest.
      – how often are you dry cleaning or rewearing?
      – do you current work clothes fit you/ can they get you through while you wait to fill out your capsule?
      – don’t beat yourself up over the occasional outfit change.
      – work uniforms made my days infinitely easier. I have ten black dresses in different fabrics, plus three full suits (pant/skirt/jacket) with several black shells and tees.
      – avoid shopping and browsing for more. It’s hard to resist but after 4 months you’ll be immune/focus on casual.

      1. These are all great points, thank you!
        Do you wear your capsule all year round? I was thinking about navy dresses for summer and black for winter but maybe I am overthinking it

    4. A friend of mine bought (literally) 10 black and charcoal dresses and mixed and matched with dresses/cardigans/accessories/nice shoes.

      She looked great and would 100% recommend it.

      (I have never enjoyed getting dressed as much as I did when I was pregnant and had this capsule wardrobe I LOVED.)

      1. I have a number of work dresses (mostly green, oddly), which I mix and match with layers, scarves, and shoes and I almost always feel pretty well put together and comfortable in them. If I were doing it from scratch I would go to Hobbs.

        1. This. My travel work wardrobe is almost all dresses – I pair them with scarves or open blazers and that’s worked well for me. If you’re in the US I’d suggest ordering Hobbs from Bloomingdales for ease of returns. Donna Karan NY also makes great washable dresses.

      2. Yes, my workplace is super casual so my post-pandemic plan is to be 6 or 7 nice linen and wool dresses and call it a day. Dress, tights, boots or flats, done.

      3. This describes my work uniform before the pandemic, but with fewer dresses. Black/gray dress + blazer, sweater or cardigan depending on weather/event + one of two pairs of shoes + scarf or necklace depending on weather. I also had two pairs of stretchy but nice looking work pants and some sweaters/tops when I did not feel like wearing a dress.

        If the dresses are plain, you really don’t need that many of them. The same black sheath dress looks different with a blazer, a pullover sweater, a cardigan, etc.

      4. My travel wardrobe is (was) basically this. I use separates instead of dresses but have lots of tops that match my skirt and create a dress look, and the nice thing is I can wear the same top with matching pants and have another column of color look. Always a contrasting third piece, whether a contrasting color or just a different texture.

        I started with “columns” of black and charcoal and eventually added a navy collection, which I wore in warmer weather because navy tights are too hard.

    5. Yeah that’s more than enough, esp if you are WFH part time. What kind of government job? Unless you are in court daily that is probably more formal than you need to be. I’d wait and see before making a big investment. I anticipate workplaces will be much more casual coming off WFH for a year.

    6. I highly recommend checking out the capsule wardrobes that the blogger “Wardrobe Oxygen” has put together. She has a few that I think would be appropriate for a government job. Even if the specific pieces she suggests aren’t your style, it should give a good sense for the number of tops, bottoms, dresses, accessories, etc.

    7. You don’t need ten dresses? What do you already own. Start there. I also wouldn’t go buying a whole new wardrobe before you even start the job and see what other people are wearing.

      1. +1 This is the answer to every “I want to buy a whole bunch of new stuff” question.

    8. Only advice I have to offer is that grey matches more than black does. IMHO, black + yellow, red, a lot of blues looks harsh, dated, or like you’re channeling your inner bumblebee; greys work with almost everything.

      2. Everything except my complexion! :D
        Haha, sorry, couldn’t resist. I always resented my mother’s comments that I shouldn’t wear grey all the time, as a teenager. As an adult, I realise that grey makes me look like Victorian illnesses are back in fashion, and my mother was absolutely right.

    9. Just for a data point, in my current job I wear suits four days a week. I have 10 suits and find that I’d like just a couple more to not repeat quite as much. I have three pairs each of workhorse heels and flats, and that feels like the right number. And I have three necklaces, which also feels like the right number. (I actually have more, but I end up only wearing three.) I’d encourage you to start out at the lowest number of items you think will work, then live with it for a while and see how it’s going.

    10. Do you not have any office clothes yet (like you’ve been remote since graduating last year)? If you already have some, I would start by trying to mix and match what you own, and only then going shopping.

    11. I highly recommend to wait until after you start to buy clothing. IME, government offices tend to be in the causal side of business causal unless it is one where people are in court multiple times a week. And I expect that they will get even more causal after COVID. In mine, I would not be surprised if the dress code basically ends up being jeans and a nice t-shirt/sweater.

      1. +1, I am in a govt office where people are in court frequently, and even there the dress code was just loosened up to business casual and “nice jeans” on Fridays (assuming you are not in court of course).

        1. All of the posters here work in government offices that are far more casual than my state government law office, sob. We have a business casual dress code for Fridays between Memorial Day and Labor Day, not that there is anyone around to see because most people are either taking long summer weekends or WFH on Fridays. I expect little change.

      2. I am in state government and we have been jeans-casual in the pandemic and I would be shocked (SHOCKED! do you hear?) if we went back to anything approaching daily suits/dresses/jackets.

        1. Also in state government, and saw my literal Executive Director in pajama pants in office a couple weeks ago. I would just make sure you have enough clothing for the first few days and see what happens.

      3. Agree to wait. I did a short stint in government pre-COVID and the whole office gave out strong Kohl’s vibes. I definitely would have felt out of place if I’d showed up with a Hugo Boss capsule wardrobe, for example. I ended up just wearing the same few pairs of dress pants with nice-ish cotton tops I already owned.

    12. I would wait to shop until after you start, and see if you can wear business casual when not in court. I am a fan of the small work wardrobe and made it through my first year with two spring and two fall suits, and a handful of dresses and three swackets per season. I went with a mix of black and grey base pieces, and stuck with cream and light blue tops to wear with my suiting. I rotated three pairs of shoes, one court pumps and more casual shoes for the office. I would suggest shopping multiple retailers so you get different design details and picking fabrics with some variation so you don’t get too bored. I shopped in a year where it felt like everyone had the same black crepe, so shopping multiple brands netted distinguishing details.

      1. I’m similar. I have 3 all season suits (2 black and 1 gray) and one summer suit (it’s a light gray). I only wear them for court appearances, 1-2 times on a typical week, or every day for trial. The rest of the time I wear one of 3 dresses (+1 that’s summer only), or a top (4) or sweater (3) with pants (2) or skirt (1). I also have one jacket and 2 cardigans I can layer with any of this. I have 2 pairs of flats and a bunch of heels that I’m never going to wear again, probably. I think this is more than enough! Everything is black except the light gray suit, two white tops, one gray cardigan, and the summer dress is a black and white pattern. I just don’t really like colors! I also have about 4 necklaces and 3 watches that I rotate through.

        When I started at this job, I had 2 suits, one dress, one pair of pants, 4 tops, one cardigan, one pair of flats and one of heels. I slowly added to it to get to where I am now (8 years later); only the tops and shoes have been fully replaced during that time. If you know what you like, stick to buying quality, and take care of the things you own, you wont have to replace stuff a lot.

    13. I did this with mm lafleur – I started by buying a few dresses but bc its pricey, once I figured out my sizing, I got the rest from postmark or other options. I have ~ 5 dresses, 5 tops, 4 pants, 1 cardigan, 2 sweaters and I just mix and match constantly. I will work in some more casual stuff from the rest of my wardrobe when needed. like you mention, I’ve just found it a huge relief to have a section of work clothes that fit well and I feel good in, and my only choice is to pick from amongst that section

    14. I would go through your current wardrobe and be very focused on what colours and styles you like. Narrowing down your colour palette to one or two choices with a couple of accents goes a long way. For me, my base colours are navy and grey and my accents are teal and light blue. Everything in those colours goes together great and makes life much easier.

      1. This is a great point. My base colors are navy and grey with accents in pink/purple and green. If you live somewhere cold I would say having a set of base clothing in black is handy for winter, I can never regularly manage matching tights to my clothing in colors other than black.

    15. Pick either navy or black to start, then decide on complimentary colors (gray, camel, etc) and a few contrasting colors (cobalt blue, shell pink, burgundy, yellow, white or ivory, etc). Stick to your color palette on your purchases, making exceptions only for an item that will make multiple outfits and be worn frequently. I’ve gotten away from it now, but I spent many years where although there were things that didn’t make an outfit together because some were for court, some nice casual and some very casual, and the rag & bone tee doesn’t work with the BB suit of course, all items were either black, charcoal gray, white, camel, or a seasonal color (jewel tones for winter and pastels for simmer). It was so easy to get dressed!

  2. I just moved into a new apartment and realized that decorating it right now, putting up paintings etc is the perfect weeknight hobby. I think it works because its not at a laptop or computer, and also some amount of movement. I’ve tried embroidery (used to like to do it as a kid) and solving puzzles (was actually more interested in it pre pandemic) but I think they’re too static.
    I think (actual! or well . . . ) gardening would work, but I don’t have a balcony or anything in my apartment. I’m going to get at least one pot for a window sill.
    Any other suggestions for things like that?

    Also, completely unrelated question – what are tops with a very small v / slit at the neckline called? Like a keyhole but not closed at the top. I find them to be perfect for work because they’re not a high neck but also not at all actually revealing.

    3. For actual indoor gardening on windowsills:
      I am successfully growing herb (mint, several types of basil, cilantro, sage, oregano), cherry tomatoes (I have Spencer variety and then tiny varieties like Venus), chilies, cucumbers, courgettes, pak choi, perilla, water spinach, spinach. All are extremely easy – all you need is some decent light (not necessarily harsh light), warmth (I started in winter), good soil, and regular watering. I add fertilizer every 2-4 weeks.
      As to what to grow – Choose what you like to eat or what is difficult to get fresh in stores (in my case, Asian herbs) or what you find esthetically pleasing.
      I already used my home-grown pak chois, spinach, herbs and tomatoes in cooking and it is amazing.
      Enjoy!

    4. I’ve really taken to indoor (actual lol) gardening as a hobby during the pandemic. I love it! I have both house plants and a herb garden.

  3. Totally random question.

    I used to follow an instagrammer who mostly posted photos of her very cozy apartment in DC. She sometimes also posted about books. During one of the government shutdowns a couple of years ago she was furloughed and went to Mexico for part of it. Her apartment was modestly sized and it was a real space — not super styled for Instagram. Anyone know who I’m talking about?

    While we’re on the topic, anyone have instagrammers who post about slow/ethical fashion that they recommend? I don’t shop much and am interested in finding some new-to-me brands for the few things that I do buy.

    1. What Would a Nerd Wear? Or someone in that circle. Think Nerd is private now, she’s got two kids and has moved to Portland.

  4. I am super burned out. I don’t know how parents survived this last year because it was hard enough without kids! I’ve done the basic advice – started working pretty strict office hours, no weekends, took a week off and went away. It scratched the surface, but really just made me realize how much more time I need. I’m job searching as it is, and now I’m thinking about quitting with nothing lined up and taking a little extended time off while I search. Financially it is a tough sell. It is feasible, but will put us behind on some goals. We could go on my husband’s insurance. Is this a crazy idea? I am a naturally risk adverse person, so the idea of taking on this kind of uncertainty willingly feels a little crazy. I’m also not sure whether it would be a tough sell to my next job, or whether it would look like I got fired and was trying to hide it.

    The alternative is waiting until I find a job and taking two weeks off in between, which doesn’t seem like enough. I would hate to go into my next job feeling this burned out. I also find myself wondering why this isn’t a problem we are addressing at a societal level – doesn’t everyone feel this way right now? Wouldn’t we all be better off if we made like the French and took a month off this summer?

    1. A week or so ago, someone posted here what I thought would be a fantastic tip for burn-out. Their therapist recommended that for a week, they phone everything in. Do the minimum amount of work (I think the poster described this as responding to emails and handling things due each day), due the minimum life maintenance (get pre-made meals at the grocery store, splurge on a house cleaner), etc, and use that week to get some breathing room. Draw zero attention to this, just quietly do it. Then, the next week you can add a little bit back, and so on for the next few weeks.

      It doesn’t address the root cause, but getting that breathing room can be really useful for getting into a good headspace for thinking about how to address that root cause.

      1. That works unless you have to bill your hours and then it is glaringly obvious you were phoning it in for a week.

        1. But it also doesn’t really matter if it’s just a week, you can make it up later even if you bill time

          1. This is why billing time sucks, though. An off week makes it that much more stressful to “make it up” later.

          2. But you don’t need to make it up later if you are leaving the company. Either it will be possible to find a new job in a few months, in which case an off month doesn’t matter, or it won’t, in which case can you afford to be unemployed for that long.

          3. That makes sense. I guess at my small firm, someone would probably be asking me questions if I had super low billable hours for a week. At my former larger firm it would have been much easier to fly under the radar.

    2. In the same way as I’ve heard people warn that American companies in the U.K. have higher work-hour expectations and lower amounts of holiday than their British equivalents, I wonder if there are any British or European companies in your field and in your location who could offer you a better work life balance? As an example my contractual work week is 35 hours and I get six weeks holiday per year (plus public holidays, plus sick leave), and that’s pretty standard in this kind of desk job in the U.K.

      1. That’s cute but not realistic and frankly feels like a humblebrag. Yes. We all know other places are vastly better.

        1. Why is it not realistic? Plenty of European companies work in the US. Like oil industry friends (from engineers to lawyers) vastly prefer to work at Equinor over Husky for exactly this reason.

        2. I mean, the original question specifically mentioned European work-life balance. I work in the US and have a 40 hour work week, and people routinely take off 3 weeks in the summer. It’s not quite French, but it’s reasonably close.

        3. Seems like good advice with an actionable piece to it. See if you can find a job w/ a UK company with a US office.

          1. It was intended to be actionable and not a humblebrag – my apologies if it came across that way.

          3. You don’t need to apologize, Ribena. It was clearly actionable and something the OP might not have thought of.

      2. It’s not “cute” – it’s good advice. I’m UK-based and when I worked for a company HQ’ed here, the hours and vacation for US employees were much closer to European standards (more vacation, less expectation that people be available on weekends or holiday, shorter work hours).
        It’s a reasonable strategy. I would say it’s much more likely to work at a smaller company than at a large multinational which can have bad hours due to time zones.

      3. I worked at a UK company in the US. They don’t magically give you all the UK benefits they aren’t legally required to. I worked normal US hours. This suggestion is a fantasy.

        1. That’s been my experience with UK/EU-based companies in the US as well. The only time you have european style benefits in the US is if the business has such a small US presence that they haven’t established US norms (like dozens of employees or fewer)… If you’re talking about multinations that are in the US with hundreds of employees, they usually follow US norms.
          Nice idea but I would not assume a non-US company has non-US style benefits until you personally confirm this.

        2. I’m familiar with a UK headquartered company in a field known for brutal hours that gives employees at its US office close to UK level PTO. Factors that might help predict more UK-level PTO:
          -Larger presence in UK than US, HR function lead out of UK
          -Field that requires talent/relationships and where it’s beneficial for UK staff to cycle through the US office for a few years (UK employees aren’t going to be happy to suddenly go down to two weeks of PTO/year)
          -Founded in UK and haven’t had US offices for ages

      4. This is good advice, and is definitely along the lines of the career change I’m looking to make. While I’m not specifically looking for a US branch of a UK company, I am absolutely looking to shift from my current high hours, high expectations, low vacation time position into a job that will be a more standard 40 hour week. Getting back to baseline is my immediate problem, but this past year has made me realize that a high pressure career is not what I want, and that’s ok!

      5. Sadly I’ve interviewed with many European companies and they have different benefits in the US – American ones with the same hourly requirements, low vacation, etc. Maybe these exist somewhere but if they do I haven’t found them.

      6. This! For example the Ny offices of magic circle UK firms can be cakewalks compared to US white shoe firms

    3. In the same place, but with kids. And I like my actual job just fine.

      I am just extremely tired. I am considering requesting an unpaid leave of absence for August. If you are job searching anyway, maybe take a month off between jobs?

    5. A couple options:
      1. Stay at your current job until you find a new one, then take much longer than two weeks off between jobs. Like a month or more. Just tell the new job you have some commitments you need to keep in the meanwhile (they’re to yourself and your mental health) and you also want to come in fully rested and refreshed.
      2. Depending on how the job search is looking, quit your current job before you find a new one. If you’re seeing lots of job postings you’re interested in and could/already have applied for, that’s a good sign you’ll be able to land something quickly. If you’re not seeing many postings, or you’re in a very niche field, or you’re very picky, this might not be the best strategy given what you’ve said about your financial situation and how long it could take to find a new job.
      3. Evaluate the benefit of improving your mental (and probably physical) health by being not burned out vs. the impact of being behind on some financial goals. If the financial goals are things like “pay all of our bills each month,” then I think you should keep working despite the burnout. If they’re more along the lines of “fully fund retirement” or “keep saving aggressively for down payment so we can buy in two years,” then I think you can quit without another job lined up. If your spouse’s income plus your savings can comfortably cover your living expenses for a couple months, I personally think your health is worth it to just quit.

    6. Same. I just took a week off with a real vacation and it really didn’t help off. I have also said we just need to declare a summer-long national holiday and everyone’s company just pick a month to take off. So jealous of my British friends with their 28 days minimum paid vacation, and annoyed that while I technically have “unlimited” vacation, billable hours requirements effectively mean I can’t really take more than a week or two. I would take a decent percentage salary decrease for a lower billable requirement/more vacation (and also wondering at what point I can float this idea at my firm without getting politely told to leave).

      In response to your actual question, I wouldn’t quit without anything lined up, but I’m very risk adverse. I think that also depends on your industry some–is it an industry where you can fairly easily find a new job or is it going to take a while?

    7. If you aren’t going into the office now, and have the ability to do it, I would suggest going in for a week and see how you are mentally. I was in a similar place a while ago and realized that I was burnt out from WFH, not from work itself. Turned out I really missed the “end” of my day and going home to not work.

      Otherwise, I’ve known several friends that have said F-it and quit and been so much happier for it.

        1. I generally blurt things out here in between tasks without re-reading my comment. The few times I have, my phone autocorrect has done some crazy things.

        2. I’m not the person who made the correction, but I think it’s a kindness to make sure you know the right expression and don’t in the future say, maybe in a meeting, that you’re “risk adverse”. Better here than there.

      3. I proofread and wordsmith in my day job. I sure as hell don’t do it here, as evidenced by most of my posts having a typo or two. OP’s intent was easily understood without this unhelpful clarification.

        1. Honestly, it is an expression that makes me appreciate just how hard English is as a language. Adverse = bad! adverse outcome is a well used phrase in medicine. Saying ‘I am adverse to taking undue risks’ = totally correct. But our weird language decided nope, let’s say risk averse instead of risk adverse or risk avoidant. Unless you read it, it is also REALLY hard to hear the difference between adverse and averse in spoken English.

    9. If you are planning to leave anyways, can you just start phoning it in at work? Who cares if people think you are slacking, you are going to leave anyways. I would try that for a few weeks or months before just quitting.

      I would be really nervous about just quitting, but this is because one of my prior job searches took a year and I’ve seen numerous other people job search for over 9 months. I also worry that lots of people are going to be looking as we head in to summer/fall, give the number of people who were let go during Covid and those who quit for family reasons and the number of people who are unhappy with how they job handled Covid or unhappy about the return to work plans.

    10. I think if you had to take time off with nothing lined up, during the pandemic is the time to do it. You can vaguely say you had to leave to address some pandemic related issues, now resolved. It doesn’t specify if that was caring for a parent, caring for kids, being sick yourself or just burned the F out from all of the extra work.

      1. +1. I just asked my husband to consider doing this. No one will question him when he wants to come back because the pandemic disrupted so many lives. Now, he’s in a profession with a lot of jobs, so the risk calculus may be different. But now is a good time.

      2. This is very true!! Pandemic is a great excuse for any kind of change, even post-pandemic. Also, depending on how much is you vs your job, and how much you’re in demand, you could consider asking your job for a leave of absence. Would they rather do that, or lose you entirely? If you’re going to quit otherwise, nothing to lose! (I tried to quit and my company offered a leave of absence when they found out I didn’t have another job already—this was a couple years ago, but it is a very busy area where they’re always hiring so I knew I could get another job and so did they!)

  5. Does anyone have advice on how to prepare for a job interview efficiently? In other words, what would you prioritize if you only had 1-2 evenings to prepare? I try to follow the Ask A Manager advice on how to prepare for interviews, but sometimes I just don’t have enough time to develop and practice solid responses for every line of the job description or every behavioral-type question that might be asked.

    1. I would prioritize the “tell me about yourself” answer, and then the answers to any questions you always find challenging. A lot of people know they struggle to talk about their greatest weakness, for example.

      Beyond that, I’d make a list of your top 3-5 work stories and focus on practicing your answer structure. That way, you’ll be in a good spot to improvise. It’s impossible to predict exactly the questions you’ll get anyway.

      1. Yup same.

        AAM’s advice goes a little overboard. I’d spend time thinking about examples of “wins” and challenges so I have stories fresh on my mind, brushing up on company and industry news, and a few questions in case you get a lazy interviewer that asks you 1-2 things and then punts to you to ask them stuff.

    2. I never spend more than 1 or two evenings preparing, Idk what I’d even do with more time? I focus on rereading my resume and knowing my experience. And then on what the job is, what the company is, and who the interviewers are.

      1. Same. I’m naturally pretty good at interviewing but I never spend more than idk 2 hours preparing for one.

    3. I focus on having a solid less than 2 min answer to tell me about yourself. That basic script doesn’t really change for me.. then i pick 3-5 projects/work experiences that i have already written out key info for.. context, my role, results, stakeholders/customers, etc. I just review those night before/day of for a refresh. I find I can use that to flex into any behavioral question I get asked. Preparing answers for specific behavioral questions can often come across to the interviewer as overly scripted. Do it to the extent it helps, but don’t do it so much it stresses you out. I also jot down a few questions i plan to ask the interviewer, depending on their level/role within the company.

    4. I take the job description and my resume, and try to match the bullet points. Additionally, I browse the company website for recent news (depending on job area, of course), or Google around a bit.
      I also try to craft answers for questions like: “Why did you apply at this company?” “What interests you about the role?” and a few behavioral ones like “Tell me about a time when …” related to what’s in the job description (e.g. managing timelines, conflicting interests, different stakeholders etc).
      Finally, I make a list of questions I would like to ask about the role.
      In total, I spend maybe 3 hours preparing, sometimes more, depending on the job and how familiar I am with the company.

    5. I’m definitely on the light side of interview prep, but I have an answer down for “tell me about yourself” and “why do you want to work here”, a “weakness” picked out, and a roster of work stories that can fit any situation. I try to answer every question in the STAR format, the one MBA acronym I don’t want to hurl in the ocean because I find it very useful. Good luck and be confident – you’ll do great!

    6. Most of the behavioral-type questions can be grouped into a few categories – Effective decision-making/leadership, Engaging in relationships, Deliver value, Technical experience. I would have at least one STAR story for each category, and when they ask you the question you can tailor your story a little to focus on the specific question. A second STAR story is good in case they want to ask a couple of questions from a category.

      1. +1. I list out my top 6-8 STARS and then line them up under those rough categories. Some may count for two, and that’s okay. I just make sure I have 2-3 options for each category. Then no matter what they ask, I use one of my stars to answer that even just vaguely addresses the topic. “Tell me about a time where you had to work with a difficult coworker” can be either a leadership question – where I was leading different personalities – or a relationship question – where I built a relationship with someone in a completely different team than me.

        Also have your top 3-4 strengths in mind. You can use those to “tell me a bit about yourself” and then at then end when they ask if you have any questions, use those again to make sure the culture fits your skillset.
        I like to drive change, so I will push to ensure they have a track record of this team initiating change and it sticking long term. I like to work collaboratively, so I ask about cross-functional teams and networking. Etc.

    7. Make sure you have a competent answer to some common diversity, equity, and inclusion questions. I interview a lot and have seen a lot of candidates tank themselves by being underprepared to discuss their ability to work with people different from themselves.

  6. Shopping help.

    When I played tennis in high school, I had these great tennis shorts with big pockets that were a little longer and looser than regular workout shorts. I haven’t been able to find anything like that recently! I don’t want tennis shorts with bloomers under them – I am specifically looking for pockets. Any help?

    1. Have you tried men’s Champion shorts? Get the smallest size and there’s also a drawstring.

      1. Fail – I mean, don’t get the smallest size if it doesn’t fit you, but I was trying to say that even a smaller woman might be able to wear these.

    2. Check CapHillStyle today. The first shorts she posted about look like they might be what you’re looking for.

  7. Can someone recommend a good source about the difference between effectiveness vs. efficacy vs. breakthrough infections post COVID-vaccine?

    Thanks!

    2. This short video does a really good job of explaining why efficacy numbers between vaccines aren’t comparable and how they don’t reflect relative effectiveness. I think this might be what you are looking for. https://youtu.be/K3odScka55A

      1. Thanks LawDawg! It’s similar to what I’m looking for. Mostly, I’m looking for a good explainer (so, not just a random google search, I tried that before coming here, thanks) about why break-through infection rates are much lower than efficacy rates from trials, and what we could expect going forward.

  8. My husband is wonderful. I’ve also realized that sometimes he spends so much time researching the ‘perfect’ way to do something… or planning on doing something in some other optimized fashion… to the point where then life gets in the way and he doesn’t do anything.

    This was frustrating me because… then he gets swept up in work (which involves extended travel) and… None of it is done and I’m stuck with the same problems.

    Guys – I did it. I just… I called in all the professionals. Garage door that won’t open if the sun is shining? Called a service company. That patio? Being built. I just… I didn’t get mad or crabby, I just told my husband, ‘You didn’t have time. It needed to be done. It’s getting done.’

    And you know what? I think he’s kind of… relieved. And me? SO much less frustrated. If anyone else is in this boat and there’s the option to trade money for time (note: it’s the time/money conundrum!), DO IT.

    1. Congrats on yet again solving the problem of your husband doing nothing and never being around by doing it all yourself! Idk why you think this is a victory or how this never home man is so wonderful or why you are ok with him getting to do whatever he wants for his career while you step back.

      2. Who peed in your cheerios?

        Way to go, Clementine! Just not being mad or crabby about it would be a huge victory for me!

        1. No one. But it’s just so sad to me when women congratulate themselves on solving the problem of men refusing to contribute to the running of their lives by doing it themselves. This isn’t a victory!

          2. Agreed. I assume (hope) OP’s husband has some redeeming quality she hasn’t mentioned, but it sounds like she is dealing with her frustration of her husband not helping around the house by just doing everything herself. That’s not a win!

          3. I have the same sad reaction–how could it possibly be a revelation that more gets done with the wife just…does it all herself? We know that. It’s not a solution, it’s the problem.

          4. The reality is that many of us would be single if we insisted on equal partners. I honestly can’t think of a single hetero couple I know IRL where the husband pulls more weight than the wife.

          6. Yea it is sad. I won’t go into a rant about men here but yes, I am considering being single.

        2. I think it’s because of the last story Clementine told about her husband – he didn’t want to remodel the kitchen and mudroom to better accommodate the needs of a young family (instead wanted to spend the money on a different project that wasn’t as high priority and didn’t need to be that expensive) because he thought Clementine could do a better job putting things away or some such nonsense…

          so while I do applaud Clementine for getting !sh done, it’s at the expense of doubling down on her husband seeming… not so impressive as a partner at home.

          3. Maybe her husband is not so helpful or maybe she doesn’t post all the wonderful things he does on here. Let’s not judge other people based on the occasional random complaints people post about them. I can’t imagine any of us would come out looking great on the basis solely of a few complaints someone posted about us either venting or trying to problem solve.

          4. Not saying that your husband s-cks generally, just that there is a pattern here you might not realize.

            Not everyone is great at planning Big Home Projects but I think the tone of the comments would be different if Husband had said “you know what, I’m holding up the project because I’m distracted. What if we hired a pro” and then helped narrow down who to use. Instead, he drags it out until you get so fed up that you do the work of finding the pro. Not ideal IMHO!

          5. I have to agree with anon@11:16. This is one small snippet. Even Cat said “seeming” in reference to the husband. Clementine called it a win, so I’m congratulating her accordingly. For the purposes of this forum, that is enough.

          6. I think it’s interesting that your stories here are frequently “look at this great trick I learned to work around my stubborn/lazy husband” and you don’t seem to notice the pattern . . .

          7. Eh, it sounds like different priorities to me. It’s easy to get bogged down by research and procrastination. Hats off to getting stuff done.

          8. I’m sure Clementine’s husbands research/analysis skills pay dividends in plenty of use cases not highlighted here. Anecdotally, my husband is similar and this time last year I was deeply appreciative that his awareness/reading/analysis/etc of the impending pandemic resulted in our house being well stocked on toilet paper, groceries, emergency supplies etc. I thought he was bananacrackers and I was straight up wrong.

            His research and analysis was also seriously helpful when I was diagnosed with cancer. I didn’t have the mental bandwidth, and was appreciative of the detailed list of questions he prepared when we were evaluating oncologists, treatment options, etc. He put in 99% of the legwork and I pretty much showed up.

            Clementine – props to you for wiping stuff off the to do list! Best feeling ever.

        1. +1. And everyone jumping in to defend the useless absent husband is prob just trying to make themselves feel better because they’re in the same boat.

          1. Congratulations on your perfect 50/50 partnership that fulfills you in every way! Please share your secrets with the world

          2. It’s honestly very easy. Don’t marry shitty men just because you’re desperate to have babies. Don’t stay married to shitty men because you’re afraid of being alone. Be honest with yourself instead of being defensive online ;)

          3. I am being honest with myself. I am very happy in my marriage! Seeing as we were married almost seven years before we even started trying to have kids I don’t think we fall into your assumption about getting married because I wanted to have kids but ok! We aren’t 50/50, which I think is a stupid metric. I do more on some things (mostly house/life related), he does more on some things (hands on parenting, managing social stuff). We outsource a lot but we are happy to spend our money on that. Is it annoying to outsource things he could theoretically do? Sure! Im sure he also thinks it’s annoying to outsource things I could do or that he doesn’t care about. But more importantly my marriage isn’t a transactional partnership, my husband makes me smile and laugh every day, brings out the best in me/makes me a kinder and more patient person and is a wonderful father. not to mention my life would be logistically a lot harder without him in it. Of course there are some terrible men out there but it’s a pretty wild accusation to say that anyone who doesn’t have a perfect 50/50 split of domestic tasks is married to a bad person, only married them because they wanted to procreate and only stays because they are scared of being alone. Perhaps you are a better human than me and Clementine and never complain about people you love but it’s a pretty normal thing for people to do and it’s quite a conclusion to assume you know what’s going on in a marriage based on only some complaints to an internet message board.

          4. There’s only one person on here obsessing about a 50/50 split and it’s you. Weird fixation but okay — let it out! Gotta get that therapy somewhere, I suppose.

      4. Wth? I have a husband who does the same thing. It’s not that he’s “doing nothing,” it’s that he’s a maximizer while I’m a satisficer. He wants multiple bids on something where I’d call the first guy in the phone book. It’s different styles and pros and cons to each.

        1. Yeah, this is really it (much more than I’ve realized). And it’s specific to house stuff.

          (FWIW, he handles most of the kid stuff and ALL of the kid planning and never struggles with the research and analysis like he does with house stuff. I think part of it is that THEORETICALLY he is capable of doing all the house stuff and some of it feels like he should be DIY-ing it… but he honestly doesn’t have the time and doesn’t want to acknowledge that.

          Also, thanks for all the feedback guys! I respectfully disagree with some stuff that was said. That being said, I make an active choice to kind of whine on here so I can vent and process and then go do whatever I’ve gotta do.)

          1. Clementine, not sure if you can see this, but this board can really jump to conclusions sometimes and be extremely judgmental. Years ago I posted for advice because my husband had recently experienced a death in his family and anxiety that he was undergoing treatment for, but I was having an issue with him calling me in the middle of the day and interrupting my workflow. I wanted advice on how to strike the proper balance between being supportive of him but not interrupting my day when I’m trying to get large projects out the door, and was extremely taken aback when I got a pile of comments about how I was apparently in an abusive and controlling relationship. I remember one commenter looking at the others and being like, “It’s not a telemarketer, it’s her husband. Of course she shouldn’t just straight ignore him every day,” but some of the other comments were hard to take in. All this to say, I’m sorry you got piled on about your husband today. When we vent on here, we are not including all the facts and arguments because we aren’t defending a lawsuit, we are just trying to talk. I think people can forget that.

          2. Hey, Anon @5:15, thanks.

            I could/should? have framed this as ‘My husband has a weird complex because he theoretically can do a lot of handy stuff around the house, but he spends his time focusing on his job and the kids. I feel bad that he is carrying around this guilt AND he’s been taking on a lot of extra stuff with the kids so I just went ahead and called in professioals to handle all the things.

            Also, he hates Open Concept… which (with kids) I am INTO.’

    2. Good for you! The perfect is absolutely the enemy of the good – sometimes you just need to get it done.
      I think I read about the concept of an ‘admin’ weekend day once a month – where you pay bills/do returns/call the people you need to call/do the minor annoying around the house task. I had one of those days last weekend and it felt SO.DARN.GOOD to see the art up on the walls, the dry cleaning stack sorted, the pets booked in for grooming/boarding while we’re away/etc.

      1. Oh man, I totally want one of those ‘admin’ days. I often do this on a day when I book an early appointment… then just take the whole day.

        1. I’ve also started stacking my doctor/grooming appointments and then just taking the whole day off – like, early AM doctor appointment, midday cut/color, afternoon to run errands, pick up kid from school and then chill. If you book far enough ahead (1-2mo out) you can usually manage to line that up on a Friday pretty easily. Last time I did that I also managed to get our dog bathed and seen at the vet. It felt like a monumental ‘adulting’ win and freed up SO much time that weekend.

      2. Counterpoint, you get 52 Saturdays a year. Don’t use one of them as an administrative day. Make your admin day Monday night after work and I think you’ll be surprised how much you can fit in if you put on a good soundtrack and get to it. Save your weekends for adventures and fun with your family and that will be so much more restorative and helpful for your life.

        1. This! I just cringed at the idea of admin tasks over the weekend, like made an actual cringe face. My strategy is to just have the list of things and handle them during the week in those in between calls and meetings 10-15 minute time slots. It all gets done and there’s no big chunks of time wasted. I’m also not burning PTO to go to the doctor either. Just find providers near you and book first or last of the day.

          1. To each her own! My hobby takes up most of my weeknights so I wind up doing more chores on weekends. But I promise I still have fun!

          2. Absolutely! My best recent life hack is to see what you can accomplish while waiting for something else to happen. Waiting for kettle to boil for tea? Wipe down the counters. Waiting on hold with the doctor’s office or for the conference call to start? Hang up those sweaters that are sitting on the bed. 3 minutes before your next meeting? Give the sink a quick spray and wipe. Don’t kill a Saturday or burn a vacation day for this crap!

          3. For sure, my hack though is get it all done during the workday. Use those little breaks and then you get your evenings and your weekends!

      3. Yes, I do these. I started structuring my weekly planning around substantive tasks, errands, and admin, and it’s so much better. I just put a podcast on and blast all the household admin in one go. I go through all the paperwork, deal with all the calls etc. And you know what, there is no reason that mail needs to be opened more than 1x a week.
        I do all my in-town errands and then get a coffee and a pastry. And if I have loads of emails to send, I can do them on my phone from the park.

    3. Mom, is that you? Lol, I’m glad you found the solution to the bickering that was the backdrop of my youth!

      1. This was also a thing when I was a kid! And I remember that a therapist told me that resentment is poison to marriage. So basically, I figure out what I need to do to keep me from becoming resentful.

        And this was it and I’m so glad.

        1. Yes, definitely. I realized that my husband doesn’t notice things the way I do but is excellent at following a list. So now I just make him a list.
          As compensation, he hoovers, irons, and I never put my own bike away, just leave it leaning against the garage door like a child until he comes home and puts it away for me.

          1. Husband was spinning his wheels on the last move and driving me crazy until I made him a list and he checked off every item on it once he had a list. He always tells me, “babe, I really need a honey-do list” but no promises on where he starts on that list.

        2. Don’t let people sh*t on your marriage. What I’ve found the most helpful is a division of tasks based on what we’re good at. Me, getting big projects done. I also care more about how they happen. I have the roster of “people” to hire and know my way around a drill and home repairs. I handle all that, plus the bills and our finances (also work in finance so it’s more naturally a strength). My spouse does all the little keep the house running shit that drives me crazy – keeps us supplied with TP, paper towels, etc., does the dishes every night, cooks 80% of the time, does the daily keeping the rooms cleaned up, takes out the trash, does 90% of the dog care (btw, y’all who don’t like the dog mom thing are just missing an opportunity for some breakfast made for you and a day of dictating what you’d like to do). The point is the balance works out and the key is finding it. We just naturally fell into it because we have different things we hate and what we can tolerate.

    4. Agree. There’s also something in there about the difference between satisficing vs maximizing decision making and also not realizing/accepting when you’re in a different life phase. When you have a busy job with lots of travel or when you have kids or whatever, you have less time, and there is no shame in hiring someone to do the thing that you COULD do, but you don’t have time to do.

      I also see this all the time with people putting off investing/saving for retirement because they are a combination of intimidated and overwhelmed by options and they shut down and do nothing.

      In my own life I see it around getting rid of stuff. I have to throw it away in the perfect way, or take it to the exact right charity. I have all these work clothes that I was saving for… something…? Girl, just take them to goodwill and move on.

    5. I am totally your husband- he has even said those exact words to me too. I get so bogged down in research that I get decision paralysis. I also can putter along with things undone and it doesn’t bother me, even though there is a little voice in the back of my head that recognizes it does need to be done eventually.
      I think in my ideal world, my husband would do the research, give me 2-3 options and we could decide together. The things I do care about, I will say and be decisive, but if I don’t really care, then I tend to decision putter.

      1. Our family is in between. We wouldn’t just schedule a pro without consulting the other but we wouldn’t let things go undone for months either. I’d be more like “hey, if you can’t get the mower fixed by next Saturday, I’m calling someone to come do the lawn until it is fixed. Or calling someone to do the lawn AND fix the mower….”

      2. I agree, and I am the person in our family who does the research and narrows it down. Frankly, I enjoy doing the deep dive more than my husband does, and he’s more decisive than I am (plus, if I’m the one doing the narrowing down I know I’m ok with all the options, if he did it I’d wonder whether he missed another magically awesome option that I somehow would have uncovered…yes, I know this is nuts, also why I think division of labor works well for us.)

    6. Oh hi I’m your husband. We are maximizers. I want to be a satisficer and can’t. If anyone has tips on making the switch please let me know.

      1. Here’s what worked for me, a former maximizer – rather than starting every decision from scratch – what new car do I want from the many hundreds I could choose?”, I start most decisions now with, “what is the exact replacement for something I already have that works for me?”, or what are the features I don’t like about what I already own? I generally like the things I own, and replacing them in the same way just makes sense. That limits my research to just a couple dimensions to study. All the 42″ smart TVs sold at Best Buy RIGHT NOW (who cares about 4k technology or whatever? I didn’t need it yesterday).

        1. This is good advice. I am a recovering maximizer, and for me, I completely believe it’s an anxiety-driven habit. I have to give myself parameters or I start spiralling into indecision.

        2. This is a great framework. For work we call it scoping – so what MUST you have, what is a nice to have, and what is an ‘I can live without this’. Also important – there is NO right or wrong to scoping – you decide your limits. If you MUST have a green car then cool, that’s your must have no matter if someone else thinks that’s a stupid requirement, it is YOUR requirement. BUT you then need to stick to them. Once you set those limits it helps you really rank your choices and then it makes me feel better about discarding options that for example tick a ‘nice to have’ bucket but don’t tick a ‘must have’ – like, oh, this car has a 3rd row of seats! I should consider that! (but it doesn’t come in green…so just kick it out of the running and move on).

        3. Haha, for things like TVs, repeat after me: “I trust the buyers at Costco… I trust the buyers at Costco…”

      2. Time is limited. There comes a point at which additional research is not going to help you; you just need to make the decision and move on. IMHO, many maximisers are procrastinating on making a decision.

      3. Massive satisficer here. Example of how I bought my most recent car: I wanted a small to midsize SUV with heated seats, a backup camera, and a sunroof. I went on the consumer reports website for like an hour and got a decent idea of what the top 3 or 4 best/most reliable options were. I googled to see if I could find anything in my location in my price range. I test drove one of them and liked it and bought it that day. My thought process is– If I’m happy, then I’m happy. I was happy driving this car, so why do I need to drag out a decision trying to be happier? I already know it meets all of my criteria (reliability, price range, features). Happy is good enough for me. I’ve enjoyed driving this car for the past 5 years. I probably will get something different next time, but that has a lot more to do with the icky bros at the dealership service dept. than it does with the vehicle itself.

        I’m of the mindset that if I do end up with something I don’t like, it’s fine, I’ll just pick something different next time. I believe I am capable of trusting myself to pick something I like, living and learning, and dealing with disappointment if what I pick ends up not being what I hoped it would be like. But I actually have very few regrets, both generally, and when it comes to large purchases and other big decisions like that. I don’t enjoy the decision making process, and it’s almost painful and immobilizing the longer I drag it out. I would much rather make decisions as quickly as possible, because it’s easier that way. The more research I do the more overwhelmed and unhappy I become. Research beyond 1-2 hours is normally just a fancy way for me to have a panic attack.

    7. Team always trade time for money here. If someone else can do it, I’m all for paying someone else to do it unless it’s something I enjoy doing. We have such limited time and make good money. I’m very glad we spent less on our house and car (most people’s biggest expenses). We spend a ton on outsourcing and it is worth every penny. We do run into some people who judge us for this but I’ve learned to tune out and when I get a ping of jealously about their new fancy car, furniture, handbag, vacation or night out that I could buy those things but choose to instead by back time. Yes I realize this is an incredibly privileged position to be in but I do think research shows that at every income level outside poverty, spending on getting time back versus material purchases makes you happier.

    8. Has he ever been evaluated for ADD? Based on your stories, he sounds like a classic case. Decision paralysis, hyperfocusing on research, body doubling (needing someone physically in your space to force you to accomplish things and hold you accountable), it’s all very textbook.

      1. I can see why you would say that based on the snippets of my life I have posted here, but no. That’s not him.

    9. Congrats! I start a running To Do list, he adds things to it, and he picks DIY things from it, but if it gets too long because we are busy, he calls the handyman. Maybe keep a handy list of the vendors you like?

  9. Ended up having the meeting last night.
    I got my bonus. I was one of the earlier hires and they’ve hired more people since then, and I think they think they are overpaying me. He mentioned “changes to the bonus structure” sometime in the future, which seems ominous but also that they want to “honor the terms of our original agreement”. So I feel like at the end of the year, or whenever they want revisit it, they may want to reduce this bonus. It seems slightly in bad faith to me. I’m not going to job search right now because I really dont want to, but I don’t think this will be as long term a job as I had imagined either.

    1. This is even weirder to me! Why did he need a meeting to tell you you were getting the money you were owed? Was it to somehow set a tone of warning, or suggest it was some kind of favor to you?

      1. Absolutely to manipulate her into being grateful she got the money she was promised and is entitled to. It’s super toxic.

      2. They do really love meetings, even for things that really could have been an email. The sales person especially.

    2. Speaking from having seen this done to a family member twice in a row, in a way that set her back 5 years in career growth: Get out. Now. You are paid what you’re worth. They’re doing a standard startup thing that tends to downhill fast.

      2. +1 – not all startups are unicorns. Tons fail. This sounds like a failing venture and I’d start looking now.

        1. Do you think there is any point in talking to them about it, or trying to get the bonus guaranteed for a year, or anything like that?

          1. I wouldn’t open up your offer letter, they sound like they’d take the opportunity to give you worse terms. Stick with what you were promised while making plans to get out.

          2. Honestly, not really. They are already showing you who they are by (1) telling you they see you as overpaid and then (2) paying you late. Even if they “promised” the bonus (didn’t they when you signed your contract?), you risk that they either restructure pay or deny you a deserved promotion to save money (this is where it kills your career). And that assumes they have enough money to continue paying anyone and don’t do big rounds of layoffs or something illegal. Family member had both happen.

            I know it’s exhausting to job hunt while working, and for many reasons you might find it ill-advised, but I cannot see a situation where 7-months-from-now you, in your new job, hears the gossip from this company and regrets leaving. More likely you will be congratulating yourself for being brave and getting out before you got totally screwed.

          3. No. You are already guaranteed a bonus and they are already reluctant to pay it out. More promises don’t change that.

          4. No. Stop sticking your head in the sand. Any company that delays paying you is either toxic or in crisis. You need to get out.

          5. Different commenter here, but based on my experience with an unstable startup, no. They are already showing they can’t honor their “guarantees,” and they don’t want you to expect them to (hence this bizarre meeting). A year is a very long time in that situation. Don’t bother with any special agreements unless you’re really up for going to court when payment comes due and they say they don’t have the money.

            I worked for deferred pay for *3 months*and when I went to confirm my upcoming back pay, got this kind of qualified response “that should work…”. Despite everything being in writing. When I left about a month later, the CEOs acted like it was a personal betrayal rather than my only rational move for self-preservation. Do not let them mess with you any more than they already have.

          6. I’m not sticking my head in the sand, I’m just thinking through options. I do think that when I job search now or 6 months in the future I can present this experience in a good way on my resume and in interviews. In my field its also pretty normal to switch jobs every 1.5-2 years. I was doing contract work before this and do think my resume could use a little consistency, so if I seem a bit hesitant, that is why.

            You live and you learn I guess. The kinda funny thing is that I was in a space that has a reputation of being more chaotic when I was doing contract work, but it was actually more stable.

          7. As counterintuitive as this sounds, job search now because your resume needs consistency. It’s important that your next job be a good, stable job, with long term prospects, at a company that is not toxic. It’s a lot easier to get that job when you are employed: companies like hiring already-employed people and already-employed people are less desperate to take anything.

      3. I don’t know about startups per se but I agree this doesn’t pass the smell test. They are showing you they don’t value you. Get out.

      4. Yes. This kind of thing is why many of us who have worked for startups won’t do it ever again.

    3. They sound terrible. Earlier hires get better bonuses and stock options because they’re taking a bigger risk in taking a job with an unknown startup!

    4. Thanks for updating! I still think it’s a red flag. Did they think they could just stop paying you and you wouldn’t notice? But I’m glad you’re getting the money you earned and deserve!

    5. Start looking, NOW. My first job out of college was a start up and I would never, ever work for one again even with the upside potential. There were issues with payroll, benefits, HR (or total lack thereof), bonus structure that changed 3x in the 15 months I was there (to always move the goal posts further and hoard capital for the founders), the toxic culture of ‘we’re all faaaamily and you should WANT to work crazy overtime/etc.’
      Even my very traditional boomer parents who were all ‘you owe your company loyalty!!’ told me to get out once I hit the 1-yr mark. Being able to work in jeans and free bagels/pizza Fridays/office happy hours was SO not worth it.

      1. I have not actually received it yet, I am supposed to receive it at the end of the week with my paycheck (that I have received consistently) which does seem reasonable.

    7. Either the company is not doing as well as you think and they’re looking to cut costs, or the company is doing better than they thought it would and they want to keep more of the money for themselves. You can hang in but I’d expect to be job searching in early 2022.

  10. Oh man the time between the last of many many interviews and finding out if you got the job is a wild ride emotionally.

  11. Another work wardrobe question. Public interest attorney gearing up for a 5-10 day federal trial later this year. How many suits do I need? If I’m only observing, is a sheath dress/blazer combo acceptable (thinking that’s a good way to repeat and change it up)? Would you shop used or mall stores?

    1. Unless you’re observing from the counsel table, what you wear does not really matter. Keep it muted and professional (navy, black, gray). Wear a blazer instead of cardigans/sweaters. I would hit up a thrift store in a fancier area first. I get many blazers and plain sheath dresses that way.

      If you will be at the counsel table or identified as part of the trial team, wear matching suit pieces. Doesn’t matter if the base is a dress, pants, or skirt. I personally buy my suits in sets with many matching pieces (blazer, dress, skirt and pants). It is easy to mix up things for a trial.

    2. Do you mean a matching sheath dress and blazer? If so, that’s a suit and equally as formal as a skirt or pants suit. By observing, will you be sitting at counsel’s table and is it a jury trial? If at counsel’s table, I think you need to be in a suit but you could maybe get away with non-matching sheath dress and blazer if it is a bench trial.

      Personally, I would not want to have to worry about my clothing, so I would want 4-5 suits. I think you could easily get by with less, but I would rather spend the money then have it be one more thing to worry about. If you have the time and a limited budget, I would try second hand to start with since I think a ton of work clothing has been donated over the past year. I don’t know that you will find anything, but is worth trying. If you don’t have the time, go somewhere like Macy’s and you can get a suit for around $100. Look for one of their coupons before shopping, since they often have $20 off coupons.

    3. I found it hard to find suiting second hand, unless you already know which brands fit. Also, since the fit is key, many second hand pieces have been altered. If you are in formal city where stores stock suiting in the store, shop IRL. If not, shop online so that you have some options. I have tried to shop for suiting in a casual market and found very little in the stores.

  12. Quick update on my discriminatory women’s affinity group post from last week, it turns out that the vice president was relaying “multiple complaints“ from others that the group “felt discriminatory.“ Only one person was inadvertently named, a woman who has been in the workforce since 1992 and felt that she was “early career too, so why am I not invited?” I think she’s missing the point, and honestly I’m so irritated that she complained to the vice president instead of ever addressing anything with me directly that I’m not planning to be the bigger person and invite her to attend now. It’s possible the other complaints came from men, but if they did I don’t care because women need a space of their own. Long story short, I have to change the name of the group slightly to make it clear that it is not officially affiliated with the company. That satisfied the VP. It wasn’t the most dramatic finish, but I’m glad that the group can still exist. I truly believe that women need a space to talk about issues that are specific to us. If the group had been forced to turn into something else, I would’ve stepped down from running it. I might still have participated in any activities, but it would no longer be a passion project worthy of my extra time outside of work.

    1. Oh I’m glad it didn’t completely derail your project. A group of recent moms ran writing days on our return from mat leave, and got some grumbling from new dads about it. It was ridiculous, there are unique challenges for early career women who are returning after having a baby, and no one was stopping them from starting a dad’s writing group (especially since academic men notoriously use pat leave to get ahead)

        1. Why do that when you can piggyback off the emotional and mental labour of women and intrude on our spaces?

      2. Ugh, I’m cringing so hard at your parenthetical! I have a cousin on the super traditional/evangelical side of my family who is a SAHM. Her husband has a big IT job and his company gave him paternity leave (at least for kid #2, maybe also #1). He was all over Instagram like “look at all these stacks of self-improvement books and super long bike rides I’m gonna tackle during paternity leave!” *eyeroll*

    2. I’m glad your group can continue, but there is a disconnect between truly believing that women need a space to talk about these issues and excluding a female colleague that you know would like to participate. The fact that she’s worked for 30 years might make her input especially interesting. What has changed over that time and what hasn’t. What are her strategies and struggles. Lots to discuss.

      1. I never knew she wanted to participate. She never spoke to me about it – she went straight to the VP to call it discriminatory. Why would I assume someone who thinks my group is a discrimination hotbed actually WANTS to participate? She needs to use her words here.

        1. Okay, if she never said anything about wanting to participate, her behavior is pretty ridiculous. I would not naturally think that someone with 20 years’ experience would consider themselves early career.

          1. Yeah, I know you’re right and I was even planning to just reach out and invite her after the VP meeting, but honestly, I need a few more days to get over the annoyance first. It’ll be fine after that but right now I just want to process and get over it.

        3. I mean that NOW you know she would want to be included. Yes, it would have been better if she checked with you directly. Although it doesn’t sound like you are open at all to the idea, so what difference would it have made. I went back and read the thread from Friday. It seems to me like you were going into this conversation with a ton of defensiveness already. Not saying you need to open up your group to all, but your tone (I’m so irritated that I’m not planning to be the bigger person) is probably not productive to all this.

      2. +1. You’re even phrasing it like her inclusion is a personal affront to you. If your aim is truly to support women, then act like it. Stop playing Mean Girl at the office.

        1. This.

          And we don’t expect that a word to the discriminators will stop them. We do expect management not to foster discriminatory groups at work.

          It’s still unclear if this is just your friend circle meeting on its own to vent. Or if work somehow sponsors this (maybe meeting onsite and using company e-mail is enough). At any rate, you’ve been told and now you act like the lesser person. Don’t be that.

      3. If she actually said that she was early career after working for 29 years, that’s just ridiculous. If she was saying that she wished she was included because she has a unique perspective and also has problems as a women in the workforce, that’s fair and she can start a larger women’s group for that. If this isn’t a formal group supported by the company (financially or otherwise) and is just people having lunch together, they can invite whoever they want.

        1. What she said (or at least how it was relayed to me) was “I’m early career too, how come I’m not invited?” That was all.

          As it happens, we are having a guest speaker (another woman at our company who has been in the workforce about 20 years) who is going to talk about her career path, how she got where she is today, and balancing work and kids. We do things like sometimes, but most of the time, topics are more like “is grad school a good choice in our field” and “how do you build credibility when you’re new” and things that are typically more relevant to younger women.

          1. Based on what OP said at 11:20, I completely change my answer. I got the impression this was just friends getting together and complaining or brainstorming about work. If you are having speakers from your company and formal topics, that is a work group and you should invite her.

        2. “Just people having lunch together, they can invite whoever they want.” Except that it’s not that if they are having speakers and networking. If she has been out of the working world for a long time, then she may not have grad school interest overlap. But most of the other early careerist challenges still apply–finding a mentor, getting people to give you better projects, etc. Truly, I don’t get what the issue is here with the whole “You can’t sit with us” vibe. It seems really petty and exactly the opposite of women trying to help other women extend their network and advance. By the way, this whole people just getting together informally and invite whoever they want excuse is exactly what’s been used for years on keeping women out as men have networked (or whites have networked). It wasn’t a good look then either.

          1. There isn’t a “you can’t sit with us” vibe. The group was set up for early career women – it’s valid to set up a group for that, just like it’s valid to set up a group for programmers to share coding tips or project managers to discuss their work. Why should people assume that someone who has been in the workforce since the early 1990s would want to participate? If she does, then she should ask the organizer, not tattle to the VP. To be fair, that’s immature enough that maybe she DOES need early-career tips…

          2. +1 million. OP, you just think women who are older than you and your at-work sorority sisters have different problems and can’t relate to you. The reality is that they’ve been where you are and may have some interesting ideas or wisdom to share.

          3. Why don’t you find out? Early career can mean level of seniority, not just age. Maybe she’s had breaks in her career, so she hasn’t climbed in seniority like someone who has worked for 30 years straight. Or maybe something else is making her feel like she’s stuck and not advancing.

        3. That is exactly the justification for every single old boys’ club that’s ever existed.

    3. I’m glad it worked out. Be the bigger person and invite the woman who felt excluded. Otherwise you’re not an affinity group, you’re just a clique.

      1. You’ve hit the nail on the head. And the fact that it is going to take OP days to get over her annoyance makes me think it’s always been more of the latter than the former.

        1. Nah, I’m just not a mindreader. I wasn’t aware that this woman wanted to participate or that she considers herself early career when she has been in the workforce for nearly 30 years. Maybe I should have divined that somehow, but I didn’t.

          This is a group I set up on my own time to help early-career women support each other in a male-dominated field where it’s really hard at times to break through to the next levels (our career tends to lead to stagnation – it’s hard to advance to leadership). I believe that’s a valid thing for us to meet and discuss. I’m going to invite the woman who felt excluded, but yeah, it’s correct that I’m annoyed she called the group “discrimination” to a VP without ever once talking to me first. That could’ve gotten the entire group shut down. You’re a better person than I am if that wouldn’t bother you at all.

          1. OP, fwiw, I’m with you on this. She could have just chatted with you first. It’s so hard to set up an affinity group at first and hard to know when it’s time to look more broadly for participants.

          2. Is she at the same level as the rest of the participants? If so it’s pretty understandable why she would consider herself part of this group. Maybe she felt uncomfortable coming to you to talk about feeling excluded. Given your responses here it is not a stretch to imagine why she might.

  13. Commenter “startup probs” from yesterday, give us an update when you can? We all want to know where your d@mn paycheck is!

  14. Catching on Monday’s comments and saw your post about hormonal acne and spironolactone not working for you. I recommend trying acupuncture! And look for an acupuncturist who specializes in women’s health/fertility if given the option. May sound a little “woo woo,” but hear me out.

    I always get monthly cystic flare ups on my chin/mouth area, which is the region Traditional Chinese Medicine attributes to hormonal imbalance.

    Like you, hormonal BC did nothing for me (college years), half a dozen Rx topical treatments + antibiotics barely made a dent (early to mid 20’s) and I had an awful awful awful reaction to spironolactone* when I tried it at 27. But weekly acupuncture sessions when I was 28-29 truly helped to clear up the area and had the added benefit of decreased cramps and other symptoms. Relatedly, I was very fortunate and had an easy time conceiving a few years later–my acupuncturist half-jokingly took credit when I told her I was expecting.

    *It seems to me that spiro’s popularity reallllly taken off in the last ten years. When I tried it, there were a handful of posts in the online acne forums and I remember barely getting a response when I asked here. I got super lightheaded and broke out in hives / rash so stopped tight taking it.

    1. I have been on BC for several years and it cleared up most of my acne, but 2ish years ago I started getting breakouts more frequently. When I first started seeing a dermatologist for it, spiro was the first thing she wanted to put me on.
      I decided against spiro (low BP issues already) and ended up with a prescription for tretinoin (3x weekly at night) and Aczone (every AM). That combination has done wonders for me.
      Good luck to anyone dealing with hormonal acne.. what a PITA.

  15. I have an appointment scheduled for a meet and greet with a new doctor. Any advice for questions to ask?

    for some context – i am in my 30s, in decent health although I have significant digestive issues. My current doctor just doesn’t seem great about the more minor issues I have been having and I would really like someone who is willing to investigate because I haven’t felt right for years and it took me a lot of time and money and trial and error to get a diagnosis for my digestive issues because my doctor would not listen to me.

    Thanks all!

    1. I would ask about how I access care, do they take emails, is the a nurse I can speak to, how quickly are appointments able to be scheduled. And in your case I’d also say the reason you are looking is because you have on going issues that you don’t think are being adequately addressed and see what they say.

      1. Agree with this. Would also make clear that you’re looking for a doctor who will be a partner with you and do the work to solve your health problems so that you’re feeling your best.

    2. Agree with the above. Also, you might consider food journaling and include entries when you experience digestive issues. This can help suss out a condition/allergies/sensitivities that have not been diagnosed yet.

  16. Similar to the poster above, I need an extended break from work. I’m hoping to change jobs by the end of the summer. Is it crazy to start interviewing now, but if I got an offer, negotiate a start date after Labor Day? That would probably be a 6-8 week delay if all went well. I wouldn’t normally do that but I wonder if companies will be more understanding given the past year. I’m mid-senior level, skills that are fairly in demand but specialized — there aren’t a ton of jobs out there.

    2. It takes a while to make hiring decisions, yes start now if your timeline is end of summer.

    3. I don’t think that’s too out there, especially if you are mid to senior level. It’s not uncommon for senior people to have a long notice period or have to serve garden leave.

    4. I would start looking now. If you end up with an offer sooner rather than later, just do your best to negotiate the start date you want and see what they say.

    5. I don’t think that timing is crazy, but most companies would expect a start date a month or so out from offer acceptance, IME. So start now but if you were to get an offer in mid-June (unlikely because recruiting rarely moves that quickly!), I don’t think starting after Labor Day would be possible.

  17. Any tips for hip aches? My right hip just hurts, low grade but constantly. It’s kind of the upper outer back side of it. I thought it was just because I never stretch, but for the last 4 months I’ve been really great a stretching daily and no real improvement. If I go to the Korean day spa and sit with a jet running over the spot where the hip connects to my back for a while it will be fixed for like a week. And while I love the day spa it’s $95.

      1. Not just any chiropractor though one with a doctor of chiropractic (DC). It’s my understanding in some places/states providers without a medical degree can call themselves a chiropractor.

    2. I’m very prone to hip aches as well, my sympathies because they’re the worst. A couple things, you said you’ve been stretching but have you tried yoga? I find hip opening yoga poses to really help. Maybe you need to adjust your sleeping position? I need a pillow between my knees and a lightweight blanket to keep my hips from hurting. I used to use a weighted blanket but that really exacerbated the pain.

    4. Clamshells, sideways walks with a band around your ankle, yoga, PT to get the form on clamshells right, and massage. 10 to 1 you’re not activating your piriformis right. Welcome to my life :):)

      1. Agreed. My glutes are chronically weak and my piriformis acts up. Gluten activation works.

    5. I mean, it could be arthritic changes to the joint. Hip problems are common- that’s why hip replacements are common. How old are you? I have a friend who started needing a hip replacement by late 40s (put it off till mid 50s and now wishes she’d just done it sooner)

  18. Question for those of you who have nannies in your home right now and you’re working from home with sensitive information. We have a small house and we can’t get a lot of separation from each other. How worried are you about misappropriation of information in your own house? I work in finance and I’m on deal calls all the time about public companies and I’m not sure if I need to be saying something to the nanny about not oberhearing,or not leaving work papers out around the house, etc.

    1. I work in one room with the door closed and secure any paper documents in a locked cabinet (I also try really hard to have zero paper). It’s your obligation to safeguard the information.

    2. Well yeah you probably shouldn’t leave work papers all over the house. This is your responsibility, not the nanny’s, so you need to figure out a way to keep information secure.

      1. Yes I agree with this. Be neat with the paperwork and tell your nanny that your work is confidential.

    3. In general you shouldn’t leave work papers where a non-colleague should find them. Have calls on headphones so Nanny can’t hear the other end of the discussion, take calls in a separate room, and have her sign a non-disclosure agreement so that she understands the scope of what can and can’t be shared outside of your home (you’d be surprised how many people don’t understand this).

      1. I agree with headphones, separate room, securing work papers, and NDA. I’d also give her a primer on the securities law implications if she shares information or trades on information she might come across.

    4. Can you have her sign an NDA or do you think that would tip her off that there is juicy info around? Could you put a white noise machine outside your office door (assuming you have a home office).

    5. No home office, unfortunately. Open floor plan and somewhat small. Definitely not ideal. Thanks, all. NDA maybe then.

      1. Perhaps this is obtuse, but if you were my employee (I’m in Financial Services) and I found out that you made up your own NDA for your domestic employee and figured that would cover you from a Risk perspective, I would have a fit. There are lots of unusual set-up’s these days – if you have access to a Risk and Compliance person I would make sure that you’re following any guidance. For us, you have to have a private space, lock up documents (we’re not allowed to print mostly anyways), lock your computer, privacy screen, etc.

    6. I was a nanny years ago and regularly heard my Big Law bosses talking on the phone, saw their business papers and mail on the kitchen counter, etc. I minded my own business. I agree that you need to bear the responsibility of keeping this stuff secure and not treat the nanny like a potential criminal.

    7. This is a really weird fear. I’m in government so I have Secret documents (like the official classification) and projects around all the time. All my colleagues do as well and no one takes special precautions, just normal document management. I’ve even had a plumber working on my house while I was discussing international matters.

      1. In my agency, that would be an end to the security clearance and possible referral to law enforcement. Those of us processing classified material are doing so from the office, and a controlled space. I sincerely hope this is a joke.

        1. Normal document management means encryption, security keys and locked cabinets. Same document management in office as WFH. It’s absolutely within security protocol and no one is getting their clearances revoked.

          1. Are you sure about this? I’m with Woah. There’s a difference between leaving classified documents around and talking about classified matters in a controlled government office and doing it at home with random third parties around, no??? The “security protocol” can be the same, but if you’re in 2 completely different environments, that makes a difference…

  19. Until very recently I worked at a firm that offered a several thousand dollar bonus for successful associate referrals. I referred 3 colleagues who were hired, and am owed the bonus. Every time I followed up the person in charge said she was “looking into it” (for over 6 months). I’ve now left the firm and am still following up and still being told they’re “looking into it”. I’m really miffed that they’re failing to follow through, but don’t know how to escalate or if escalating is even wise? I don’t have copies of the paperwork anymore since I’m no longer at the firm, so I feel I have no recourse. How would you handle?

    1. You’re never getting this money. You either needed to get it before you left or it’s never happening. Sorry! But just move on.

    2. I think you’re SOL since you’ve left. What reason do they have to pay you after all this time if you’re not even working there anymore?

      1. Because it was an earned benefit she was entitled to? At least in my state, if the benefit didn’t say you had to be employed still to get it, she’d be vested in it and could file a labor board complaint to get it. I’m not recommending she does that necessarily but that it is likely legally collectible.

        Could you just go to the person that is the boss of the person that is “looking into it?” You could say I’ve been asking for 6 months, including three before I left and it seems like Jane isn’t able to figure this out. Can you assist her?”

        1. Morally and ethically she is entitled to and possibly legally, but that doesn’t mean that practically she’s going to get it. It’s not happening.

          1. My husband had a bonus that went unpaid from a former employer. He managed to get it soon after contacting the state labor board. There’s no downside to doing so.

        3. As we discussed yesterday, wage and hour law violations can get employers in a lot of hot water and can result in penalties paid to the complainant. I would definitely look into filing a complaint.

          1. I agree with Senior Attorney. I’d probably first go to the boss of the person who is looking into it. I’m familiar with many organizations that have competent leadership that will take care of things, but have low level people in HR who are incompetent.

  20. Alright, I’m intrigued by all of the Botox discussion around here lately, but most of the recommendations have been for the East Coast, and I’m in San Francisco. Any suggestions for excellent, skilled MDs for a first-timer in the Bay Area? Willing to travel out to the tonier suburbs if it makes a difference (North/East Bay preferred).

    1. You really don’t need an MD. You need somebody (could be an MD, but also could be an NP) who does a lot of injections – practice makes perfect.

      1. I somewhat disagree. You want a qualified medical provider that injects. I don’t recommend going to a spa with only someone with an aestetician license. I’ve seen many plastic surgery practices which have doctor supervised NPs, nurses, or PAs doing the injections after consultation with the doctor, and a doctor on site in case of issues.

        2. Would agree, but emphasize that in my experience, an NP who JUST does injectables tends to be better than an MD derm who does a lot of stuff. You don’t just want an aesthetics license, but an NP is totally fine.

      1. Ps Dr Maas is a board certified plastic surgeon MD, which is who I would go to my first time

      2. I’ve gone to Corey Maas and I recommend him. I first had botox somewhere else and I didn’t like how it made the outside edges of my eyebrows go up. Dr Maas explained to me with a diagram why that had happened and why it wouldn’t happen when he did my botox (different muscles injected). He was totally right. I can’t wait to not be pregnant any more so I can go back for a refresh.

    4. Dr. Miranda at Pacific Plastic Surgery Grup. Board certified and does a very natural look

  21. For those of you who use cloth napkins regularly — is there a special way to clean them? We just throw them in the wash with our clothes but I wonder if I should be doing an occasional super hot soak or something special.

    1. I wash them with towels or sheets since I was those in hot water and I wash my clothes in cold water, but other than that I don’t do anything special.

    2. Regular wash. The items that leave my house on my body are going to be dirtier than items I use to wipe food off my face with.

    3. For oily stains, I keep some Dawn in my laundry room and treat any oily stains (it does not take much) and let them sit; then I let all of the wash soak for several hours in hot water. Then I just run the load. We eat a lot of red sauces with lots of cheese and/or meatballs, so we also don’t use white napkins :)

    4. Soak in washing soda and peroxide periodically but otherwise just a regular wash. If I’m being honest periodically is probably only every 4-6 months.

    5. Regular wash for us. I even use cold water for everything (towels included), as there is plenty of heat in the dryer.

  22. Because I can’t say this in real life:

    If I see one more pregnancy’s announcement, I’m going to blow a forking gasket. Mother’s Day is bad enough being in the depths of fertility treatments, but people coupling the already very challenging holiday with pregnancy announcements galore on social media is just more than this gal’s brain can handle.

    That’s it. That’s the post.

    1. I just want to say that I understand and support you. I am missing my mom, even though she has been deceased for a long time, so Mother’s Day is painful for me, but for other reasons. Hugs from this internet stranger.

    2. I’m sorry you feel you are bombarded with these messages. Please take care of yourself and try to remember they aren’t directed at you.

    5. I totally know that feeling. I’ve banned myself from social media this week because I know it will be all Mother’s Day posts for most of the week, and I don’t need to subject myself to that (a promise I made myself after looking at social media right after Christmas made me cry)

    6. I’m sorry. It’s a tough time of year for some of us. I usually time a weekend break from media to this weekend and i think it makes it a little easier.

  23. I am really frustrated. I live in a country that is way behind the US on vaccines. I have made every effort to get vaccinated and it looks like I will finally have a chance at the end of June if all goes well. A friend of mine just wrote to me to tell me she is getting vaccinated through a connection – this is actually against the rules where I am. I have been so careful during this pandemic, and my friend hasn’t – at one point even putting me at risk of Covid because she didn’t self isolate after contact with an infected person. I know it is better for everyone, including me, for other people to get vaccinated. But I’m just really frustrated.

    1. I had the same feelings when someone I know lied about being an essential worker to get vaccinated early. We work in the same field and we both felt we should have been included in an early group and that it is unfair that we weren’t. But I followed the rules and she didn’t and it was upsetting. She had also traveled and done all sorts of other things the whole time while I stayed home.

    2. This too shall pass. The US was in this situation in March with demand far outstripping supply, and now all of the gamesmanship is ancient history.

    3. This happened everywhere including the US. While the US is at a walk/vaccines at every corner posture now, back in Jan and Feb people were lying left and right to get vaccinated — saying they were high risk when they weren’t; calling connections at health systems who were vaccinating their 30 year old friends/wives/etc. It’s frustrating but it’s just what happens when there is scarcity of a good that’s in demand.

    4. My daughter is in college and got sent home for 100% remote learning during the pandemic. Because I’m her mom and am high risk she followed all the rules. She just got her second vaccine but she really feels like she missed out on a year+ of the college experience that she’ll never get back.

      Meanwhile, the students who got to stay on campus were those who had to meet in person, which at her school was those in the BSN / nursing program. She follows a lot of these students’ social media and they were partying the entire time like it was 1999. There were so many Covid cases in this group. They were also traveling at thanksgiving and Christmas to see family apparently without a second thought.

      Naturally, the nursing students were first in line to get vaccinated, and they just kept right on partying. This made my kid extra bummed because it seemed unfair.

      However, they were also at highest risk of infecting others, both through their future professions and through their lifestyles, so it was actually right that they got vaccinated first, even though it was frustrating and it didn’t seem like they “deserved” it.

      I think it’s the same in your case, OP. I know it’s a hard pill to swallow. I’m sorry it’s so frustrating.

  24. Also provoked by the botox questions but don’t want to thread jack: I’m really interested in getting microblading for my eyebrows, and also somewhat interested in exploring botox for my 11s-zone. I’m wondering if it matters which I get first. Like, I’d hate to have a weirdly stretched tattoo eyebrow, but also want the eyebrows to look normal when the botox starts to wear off. (Fwiw, I’d be going for a light touch with the ‘tox and a very natural eyebrow look (blonde), so maybe these concerns aren’t pertinent anyway.) Anyone done both? Does the order of operations matter?

  25. Question – Should I join my boyfriend at his week long conference in SoCal?

    Significant others often come so that’s not unusual. No issue with me working remotely. BUT he and I are coworkers in very non-overlapping departments. We’ve disclosed the relationship to HR, though there is no anti-fraternization policy. We haven’t come out to the company otherwise. We’ve been dating for 5 months. Other members of his department (which he is the head of) will be at the conference and will probably discover we are dating.

    Would this make me look bad? I’ve been at the company for a long time and am the number 2 in my department.

    1. No definitely not. You’re a coworker but you wouldn’t ordinarily be there. It’s a weird mixing I would not.

    2. I think I would be hesitant to go to this sort of thing after “only” dating for 5 months – at least in my work culture, you don’t start talking about partners/bringing them to anything until you are a serious, serious long-term relationship (whether or not that includes marriage). At only 5 months, you may have inklings that it where things are headed but it’s early. If you break up do you really want everyone at work knowing and connecting you to him and him to you forever?

    4. Definitely not. I wouldn’t go to this type of thing working at the same company unless he had put a ring on it. At 5 months do you know for sure this is going the distance? If it doesn’t are you ok with people forever saying oh yeah she’s the one that dated John, they were pretty cozy at that conference in LA (people will say that even if you two don’t act cozy and behave normally), wonder what happened? As these things go this kind of thing ALWAYS makes the woman look worse than the man. I wouldn’t even consider going.

    5. Eh I wouldn’t. How much fun of a “free trip” would this really be if you’re dodging coworkers poolside and worried about reactions to the relationship?

    6. Aside from the potential harm to your career/reputation, I don’t think this trip would even be fun for you given that your boyfriend is going to be busy with conference related activities, which generally include cocktail hours and dinners. Yes, he could skip these things to spend time with you, but that kind of defeats one of the main points of attending the conference, which is networking.

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