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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Rebecca Abstract Pleated Blouse

Mixing patterns is the mark of a truly advanced fashionista. I’ll admit, I’m not quite there yet, but this blouse is like a Pattern Mixing 101 course.

This would be a fantastic way to liven up a gray suit but would also be great with jeans for a slightly dressier weekend look. Just a warning — if you’re looking for a Zoom top, this might not be for you. The stripes can create a weird optical effect on camera that’s a little distracting.

The shirt is $275 at Nordstrom and available in sizes 0–12. Rebecca Abstract Pleated Blouse

Here are a few more affordable tops (also at Nordstrom) with some interesting prints: this Halogen top (size 1X–4X), this blouse from Topshop (2–10), and this Nic + Zoe top (lucky sizes only).

P.S. For those of you voting in person today, here are some resources: Vote.org has detailed information on your rights as a voter. The election protection helpline is 866-687-8683. Finally, here's some advice on handling Election Day anxiety — including an “Election Distractor.” (Also! Be careful about wearing political statements to the polls (for example, “Ruth sent me”) — you may be turned away if you can't turn your shirt inside out or whatnot.)

If you yourself are manning the helpline, another resource to keep in mind is Georgetown Law's 50-state survey on what to do if you see militia today with short, actionable sheets for each state. Please feel free to share more resources below!

Sales of note for 12.5

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

419 Comments

  1. Ok, I need help being talked into or out of buying some stuff on sale. My life is also kind of sh*tty right now, so some of this is ill advised retail therapy, but whatever. In case relevant, I’m hourglassy and like 5′ 1″ ~115 lbs and have dark skin and hair. Would either of these items be flattering on me? For the 2nd, I’m kind of on the fence about the color. I’m not really a pink kind of girl, but I do love cashmere.

    https://mmlafleur.com/shop/product/skirts/teresa-skirt-washable-wool-twill-bordeaux
    https://mmlafleur.com/shop/product/jackets/daphne-sweater-cashmere-rose-heather

    1. Buy the skirt and skip the sweater. I say this based on the color of the skirt. I don’t know how the brand fits. That skirt looks like it could be versatile and it’s beautiful.

      1. While the skirt does look cute, before you pay $190 for the skirt, I would want to see pictures, if not the skirt itself, showing the rear (tuchus). It is wool, which is good, and while you are svelte, you want to make surewhen you take off the jacket at work, that there is NOT a visible rear zipper that can be reached and sampled by workforce dirtbags. It is much better to have a side zipper that you can cover with your arm, in case you have men trying to unzip you while your guard is down. That happened to me alot at work, until I changed my wardrobe. You do not want to be sampled at work by incels who think only of themselves. FOOEY on them!

    2. Honestly that skirt is gorgeous so I’m not much help there. The only thing is the length might not be a good fit on you.

    3. Also petite – 5’2 and around 110 lbs. I expect the skirt would look like you’re wearing a garment that doesn’t fit you and is too big, rather than intentionally being drapey/pleated that way. Potentially the same issue with the sweater. I find that whenever I go for things that are drapey they don’t look elegant and intentional, they look like I pulled something out of my mom’s closet to dress up in. :/. I think both colors are nice, though.

    4. From trying on M.M. LaFleur dresses and some of their other skirts, a lot of M.M. LaFleur clothing isn’t very petite friendly. I’m 5’3” (albeit with rather short legs) and when I tried on one of their other skirt designs of a similar length to the one you linked, it was just too long. (The design I tried on had some draping details and wasn’t amenable to altering, though it looks like the skirt you linked could be hemmed.)

      1. I agree with this assessment. I’m 5’0” and 105. Some of their sweaters (especially with that S/M sizing) are not flattering on petite frames.

      2. The notes section of each item identifies the body type it works best with, i.e., “petite friendly.” I’ve found it to be a pretty good guide.

    5. I love the skirt though it would probably need to be hemmed. The sweater seems fairly generic to me, but if the cashmere plus color is exciting for you, then go for it. I’ve personally been really happy with MM Lafleur.

    6. That skirt is lovely! I would take a close look at the measurements though – it’s 29″ long and the model is nearly a foot taller than you. Would the pleating detail be flattering, or would it end up below your hips and fall oddly?

      The sweater is pretty enough but I’ve learned never to buy these kinds of open sweaters. They inevitably just migrate to flapping around my sides.

    7. My experience with trying to buy a Jardigan is that MMLF has a narrow cut in the shoulder and very little room in the chest area.

    8. If you’re anything like me, you’ll feel way worse if you blow money on expensive clothes that don’t end up being flattering or cute. At those prices, I wouldn’t buy something I feel “on the fence” about. I’d hold out for items that I LOVE. Granted, I also loathe dealing with returns.

      As a fellow shorty, I have found that midi and maxi skirts that are flowy are very flattering. I would be hesitant about a tight, fitted midi skirt, personally.

      Whatever you decide, I truly hope that you feel better soon!

    9. Couldn’t the skirt be hemmed to the proper length for your body? Based on the picture, I don’t think that would affect the pleating at all. Its far better to have a long skirt to hem than a short skirt you can’t do anything with.

    10. I don’t think these will be the most flattering items for you.

      If you are hourglassy with a short/high waist, that skirt will make you (and me) look like a walking skirt with boobs, no torso.
      If you are hourglassy with a longer torso, that skirt is too long and will hit at an awkward length.

      For the cardi:
      Don’t get cashmere in a colour you do t love. Use your money on something super flattering instead od random bits on sale.
      I have given goodwill so many cashmere and merino sweaters I deluded myself would be a shape/colour I’d learn to style or love.

      Get something else in stead, that will really cheer you up and be used.

    11. FWIW– I found the Daphne sweater to be huge on me, and I’m much bigger than you– 5’4” and 140 lbs. I’m normally a 2/4 on top, have narrow shoulders, am short-waisted, and curvy hips. It was huge and not flattering. (And normally, that cut of sweater is flattering on me.

    12. I might be a party of one but I hate that brand – I’ve found things are either too Joan from Mad Men, too frumpy, dated patterns. Hard pass.

    13. I’ve tried on that skirt (me: 5’4″, 135 lbs) and it completely overwhelmed me–I was swimming in fabric. Hemming it wouldn’t have helped; the proportions are for a much taller person.

  2. To the gun owning poster from yesterday- Just wanted to chime in that I’m a longtime (responsible) gun owning Democrat too. Just want you to know you’re not alone. Also to be clear, my guns are for shooting targets too, not people :)

    1. Guns scare me very much and I could NEVER live with a gun in my house, but I do honestly respect and appreciate you guys!

      I live in the southeast, where there are plenty of gun owners depending on the circle and city you’re in. None of my close friends/current social circle own guns, but my last office had a large percentage of funny, friendly, outgoing men who made for perfectly fine coworkers but open carried, went to gun shows, and thought the NRA was a legitimate organization.

      In my experience with circles like that, it is useful to have a Democrat pop up and say, “I own guns and, guess what, I believe in background checks and XYZ other restrictions. We aren’t trying to eliminate your (weirdly precious and probably misconstrued) 2nd Amendment Rights. Fox News is lying.”

      Anyway, I hate guns but I’d MUCH rather they be in your home than in an NRA member’s.

      1. Open carrying just seems like compensation for tiny you-know-whats. Oh, yes, you’re such the tough guy that if someone steps in front of you in the Walmart checkout line, you’re all over it and you’ll save the day. It’s such a John Wayne fantasy.

        2. LaurenB, I grew up in a very gun owning state and have since moved to another one. The majority of gun owners I have experience with would prefer NOT to open carry–they view conceal carry as a defense thing and would never want to advertise that they are armed. Also, I know LOADS of democrats who own guns for hunting that are in gun safes, stored separately from ammo, etc. Finally, I am not a gun owner but I would love to do some target shooting at a range just for the sake of learning how to do it (frankly, it looks like fun). Can’t see myself ever hunting, but I can understand and respect those that do especially when they eat their kill.

          1. Yes, I agree. Concealed carry at least makes more sense than open carry. Open carry is “look at me, I’m sooo tough.”

        3. My husband is a federal law enforcement officer, plain clothed, and carries for work. He carries concealed in the sense that his jacket or shirt is over his gun but it isn’t hidden concealed. He could move a certain way and you might see it.

          He is so cognizant of not freaking people out that he will go out of his way to leave his gun home, even if he has to drive back to the house to get it before going to do field work. He did that today to vote as he didn’t want anyone catching a glimpse of his gun and being worried.

          He can’t imagine the mindset of the people that purposefully want to intimidate others with open carry.

    2. +1 from a household of ultra liberal vegan gun owners. You can appreciate the art of guns without killing animals or people.

    3. Gun owning Democrat here as well. Guns are kept in a locked case separate from any ammo.

      My experience is after the initial knee jerk reaction on 2d amendment rights, most of the even NRA, Fox News Republicans will support background checks and limits on gun ownership (e.g., domestic violence). It just takes bridging the initial 2d amendment reaction.

      1. I do not agree that we should have guns, locked or not. There are so many gun nuts out there, and you do not get a pass just b/c you are a democat. In fact, shame on people who think otherwise. Kids investigate gun cases, and are generaly able to see what mom and dad do and where they hide the key to the gun case. I would not marry a man who had guns b/c of this possibility. Rosa forbid Ed from keeping his archery set, telling him he was NOT Robin Hood, and there would be no HUNGER GAMES in her house. He chose Rosa and having her, and they now are happy, but without guns or any other weapons. FOOEY on weapons. Those should be left to the army and the police.

    4. You all might be interested in the “No Compromise” podcast from NPR. It shows how a small contingent of people are taking control of the narrative around gun rights, including a “no compromise” position where the right to carry arms has zero restrictions on it. They target a small percentage of voters and are tied up with pro-theocracy, anti-vax and anti-mask groups. It was a fascinating listen- give it past the first episode, which just sets the scene around the Dorr brothers. The interviews with conservative politicians that they’ve tried to take down are enlightening.

      1. +1 most gun owners I know are actually in favor of most gun control measures (as long as you don’t call them gun control measures). The takeover of the NRA from this extreme group is really fascinating as they used to literally be a club that supported things like teaching how to be a responsible gun owner…

        1. Yes, I’m old enough to remember when it was respectable to belong to the NRA if you were someone for whom riflery at a range was a hobby (akin to archery) and of course you’d never actually desire to wield your gun for personal protection.

      2. I feel that the “no compromise” crowd is the one to avoid on nearly all issues. Abortion, guns, etc. I am not a no-compromise person, but it seems with with abortion, any compromise gets you shouted at. I also don’t own a gun, but it seems that the middle ground there gets ignored and the extremes will run out the oxygen supply of any room.

        1. Certain issues, particularly those involving civil rights, should not ever be compromised. As someone who is pro choice, I see no room for compromise in abortion. I understand that anti-choice people feel that way about fetuses, but the middle ground is for people to not get abortions if they don’t want them, not for us to bargain over women’s bodies.

          1. I’m very strongly pro-choice, but I think *every* solution is a compromise in some ways. Are you okay with abortion bans at 40 weeks? 50 weeks? The minute before labor starts? Unless you think unlimited abortion is okay up until the moment of birth, you’re willing to make some of compromise here.

    5. Yay snaps for dangerous hobbies and pointless pot stirring and painting gun owners as a persecuted minority! Festive Tuesday!

      2. Instead of trying to use magic snaps to cancel gun culture including responsible gun culture, why don’t you try reading up on the issues and working with responsible gun owners on measures to protect your community? Each state has a set of laws governing who can own a gun, what they can own and when they can be taken away.

        1. Oh, and while I am at it, let me point out that it is very elitist to assume there is no need for hunting. You may live in an area where all of the pork is served with a port wine reduction, but in the farming and mountain areas of the country people to a much greater extent live off the land. Hunting, and keeping a meat freezer, is a critical part of the food chain. In addition, most folks working the land are in areas where there is at least one wild thing that can kill you, and everyone will have tales of accidentally running up against one.

      3. no one is saying they’re a persecuted minority. they’re saying that gun owners with zero intention of ever shooting a human who keep the guns in their homes and only bring them to ranges for target shooting exist. its a straw man that all gun owners are insane. signed, not even a gun owner and likely to never be one, but someone who has target shot and enjoyed it and is rational

        1. +1

          I shot skeet on vacation and it was fun (but too expensive to be a regular hobby). I also do archery and think of it like that. Biathlon? Never in a million years, but because I can’t imagine my fingers not going numb in the cold.

    6. DH and I are moderate democrats (CERTAINLY democrats at the federal level) in MA. My grandfather worked for a major gun manufacturer his entire life. DH is from TX. Between the two of us we have 5 guns registered to us, all inherited. None of them are in our home. Three are in a locker at the gun club we belong to (we rarely even go, it’s frankly easier than keeping them at home!). Two are in an antique safe not on our property.

    7. Same, responsible, well-trained gun owner here who near exclusively votes Democrat. We’re also strongly anti-NRA, strongly anti-Civil War instigator boogaloo types. Was super afraid of guns until I started dating my now-husband (military officer) and learned that they are just tools. Personally think that one of the best things we can do for our own safety, especially in the current environment, is to know how to safely handle a firearm.

      1. +1 I take safety classes and target shoot primarily so that I know how to safely handle a firearm. I have no desire to shoot anything outside of a range. However, I live in an area that is 10 mintues from a very rural area with a large population of Trump supports and very much a large population of gun owners. I want to know how to handle a gun safely if, heaven forbid, I am in a situation where I need to outside of the safety of the range.

  3. I’m interested to shake up my beauty routine by trying out a lash serum. Pre-covid my one beauty indulgence was swiping on lipstick or lip gloss before going out or going to work. I have made the mistake too many times of putting on lipstick only to realize it will be covered up and also make a mess in my mask. I remember being at the dermatologist a long time ago for another issue and thinking about getting a prescription for latisse. The doctor explained the science to me and it sounded really cool, but I was scare of the side effects. I don’t have particularly sensitive eyes, but I do wear contacts almost every day. Does anyone use a lash serum? What brand and do you recommend?

    1. No, the side effects are the same as they were pre-pandemic, so I still wouldn’t do this. Occasionally, I use eyeliner, if you’re looking for something to experiment with that highlights your eyes this can be a fun/safer choice.

    2. Fellow contact wearer here. I picked up RevitaLash at the NAS this year and it’s definitely made a difference. I like that you apply it to your lashes (not your eyelid). Note this product is good for adding length and perhaps a bit of curl along with it, not thickening.

      1. I used Latisse in the past and it did not change my eye color. I wear contacts and didn’t have issues with that either. I applied the Latisse before bed and at first, my eyes were a little red in the morning as I got used to it, but no real side effects and it does work.

    3. What are the side effects that scare you? Genuine question. The only one I am aware of is that it could change your eye color. Are there others?

      1. Seconding. I’ve used it (Latisse) for about four months, mostly for brow regrowth but swiping it on my eye lashes is a nice boost, too. It definitely worked for me (brows and lashes) and after a few weeks I dropped down to using it every three days or so. The only side effects my derm mentioned were a possible change in eye color (but I have brown eyes and he said there would likely be no difference in my case) and mild irritation on the application site. I have had mild irritation/itchiness a couple of times but just skipped a day or two and it was fine. FWIW, I have VERY sensitive skin and I was surprised how quickly the irritation subsided.

        My derm worked through a couple of other options to regrow my brows (steroids and rogaine) but neither worked. Latisse is expensive but using Rx Gold I’ve been able to get it for $65 twice now at CVS and then Walgreens. (HEB told me it would be $140/bottle.) The bottle lasts me more than a month (I’m on my second, probably almost out). If you only do your lashes, it will last much longer.

        Instead of using the applicators they provide, I use an eyeliner make-up brush. I put six drops in the lid, and then dip my brush into it. I rinse the lid each time and wash the brush fairly often with soap (once a week or so). I also use alcohol on the lid, dropper, and brush fairly frequently. You may want to up the ante on the cleaning routine if you are concerned about eye infections (that is why they provide so many stupid little brushes and say you should drop it onto them).

        I say go for it!

    4. I used to get eyelash extensions in the BC times, and now may never get them again thanks to how my lashes have grown. I started using Revitalash in March, and am still on the same bottle. I also wear contacts and don’t see any bad side effects. When I first started, the skin around my eyes would be a little darker/red, but that went away. Important is to make sure you’re not applying too much, and to blink your eyes to spread the serum around.
      DH is an ophthalmologist, and he approves of my usage BUT I have heard they can change your eye color if you have light eyes. Mine are brown so I don’t have to worry about that.

    5. I use Rodan and Fields Lash Boost. I hate MLMs but it actually works. I didn’t have any side effects.

    6. I mean…not being snarky I promise, have you tried a lengthening mascara? You say that your one beauty indulgence was lipstick or lipgloss so I’m guessing you normally wear little to no other makeup. It seems a weird leap to me to go from “can’t wear lipstick anymore so let’s move to a chemical that can cause eye issues”.

      I say this as a former Latisse user – I asked my ophthalmologist about a non-prescription alternative and she said they don’t work, at most they improve eyelash/eyeskin health to help you grow the best natural version of your own lashes, they don’t lengthen. I got wonderful results with Latisse, but the pain of having to carefully apply it everyday just to get slightly longer lashes didn’t seem worth it – mascara took less time.
      I recommend Loreal’s Telescopic mascara – people legitimately think I’m wearing falsies. Key is two coats with a quick comb through the lashes with an eyelash comb to encourage fanning.

    7. RevitaLash did nothing for me. Regular use of Latisse has been successful. Not as *dramatically* successful as I had hoped – they certainly don’t look like I got extensions – but overall the Latisse has made a worthwhile difference. I’ve had no side effects – no color change to my eyes or skin, no irritation. I wear contacts and glasses, about equally.

      I agree with the poster below who suggested going for a new mascara! I like the ‘tubing’ kinds a lot as well, especially when paired with a coat of lash primer first. With mascara and the Latisse, my naturally super stubby lashes look pretty good. But if you really want to splurge and feel ultra fluttery, get extensions (when it’s safe). There is nothing like them!

    8. I use Liason and it really works. It’s inexpensive so I wasn’t concerned if it didn’t work. But I’m now on my 2nd tube and my lashes are noticeably longer. I put it on at night after washing my face and it took a couple weeks before I saw any noticeable lengthening.

    9. I used Latisse for a few years and really liked it. The most common side effect is that the eyelids get a little bit pink, and I had that one. I wore an eyeshadow base to cover it. The payoff was huge. My lashes were looong. Like almost too long.

      I used it every day when I started, then every other day for maintenance.

      It comes with all of these little brushes, where you’re instructed to put a drop on a brush and use it on one eye, then put a drop on another brush and use it on the other eye. I didn’t do that. Instead I bought some finer brushes, called disposable eyeliner brushes, and put one drop in the cap of the bottle. I dipped the eyeliner brush into the cap and was able to do both eyelids and both brows with a single drop.

      I stopped using it due to cost but honestly I miss my lashes!

      1. I have used revitalash and latisse. Both work, but Latisse irritated my eyes and made the surroundings purple/red so I only use revitalash these days.

  4. With everything going on, the terror attacks in Paris and Vienna have gone under the radar. So has the gunman (who killed 19 people) in Kabul. I just wanted to say something about this so the victims aren’t forgotten. I hope tonight and this week point to a better culture and greater global stability.

    2. Vienna is one of my very favourite places and I found it very hard to get to sleep last night (saw the news about 10pm UK time) as a result.

    3. It is very sad, and I am glad you posted this.

      I do have to ask, though, how the American election would have affected those attacks.

      1. I read it as, if we have an intelligent president with a rational cabinet instead of what we have now – a narcissistic crybaby surrounded by xenophobes and criminals – America can become a stable force in international affairs.

        It was only January when the current administration carried out an extrajudicial drone strike that killed an Iranian government official. This action was not authorized by Congress and there were pretty legitimate fears of a wider conflict.

          1. Literally nothing in this conversation is about Obama. He’s not running for office!

  5. I am now the special events chair of a local women’s group. Does anyone have any ideas for low-cost virtual social events? We are a group of women mostly in 20s-40s and we don’t know each other all that well. So far all I have come up with is a virtual museum tour. Group size can vary but we’d typically have 10-20 in normal times.

    1. Find a local speaker on a topic of interest (anything from art history to science to policy) for a 45 minute talk, followed by a Q&A. I know that professors will do these for local groups.

    2. My women’s group did a virtual cooking class that was very successful – we sent the ingredients & recipe ahead of time, along with suggestions for wine pairings. We had one member cook the recipe real time via Zoom, and others could follow along in their own kitchens. I learned some new techniques and it was a nice way to “be together” and do something fun, virtually.

    3. One of the art places in my area offers virtual paint nights. Someone from the group picks up the supplies at the shop, drops off supplies to participants and then everyone zooms in for the lesson. Other shops might offer delivery of materials.

    5. Cooking class – unless you want to avoid that since it’s a women’s group! Or mixology class.

    6. It might be too informal, but virtual scavenger hunts worked well with my work group. We had a couple of new people join the group, and the first time we “met” them was on a Zoom meeting. The virtual scavenger hunt (ask people to show an item from their alma mater, their favorite pandemic snack, a book they are reading) helped us all get to know each other a little better, given the times.

      1. +1, we liked our scavenger hunt. We also liked Jeopardy with facts about our colleagues.

    7. Virtual wine tasting – I went to one paired with a restaurant. Women picked up bottles of wine from the restaurant prior to the event and the restaurant’s sommelier did a virtual wine tasting guiding everyone through the wine – with food pairings if desired. It was really fun and people really engaged with questions.

      1. A local cheese shop does cheese and wine pairings like this – you pick up the basket and then you zoom into the class which talks through the pairings and why. It sounded like a lot of fun!

    8. A group I am in did a laughter yoga session and it was a lot of fun. I don’t have the contact info, but look up Rachael Siegelman, laughter coach.

      1. Counterpoint: My office did laughter yoga (in person) at a retreat a few years ago when I was new and I have never experienced anything as awkward. It is really difficult to do with people who don’t really know and are comfortable with each other.

  6. Something fun and light on a crazy day: I’m looking for slippers to wear around the house. I don’t need a hard sole and I’d like something slightly of minimal, not giant bunnies. What are your favorite slippers?

    1. I bought Geisswien slippers for my husband and they are really nice wool slip on slippers.

    2. I get mine at Boden. They’re machine washable which is nice and just cutesy enough (mine are velvet with a small floppy bow) that they’re fun without being too absurd.

      1. +1. If it’s in the budget, real shearling/sheepskin is the way to go. My parents have worn the LL Bean ones for decades, and I replace them for them once they look ratty (about every 4 years).

      2. Do they really not overheat? I like slippers year round but it can get really hot in my apartment in the winter when the heat is on overdrive.

        1. I think they would be too warm if the apartment is overheated, yes. I keep my apartment cool in the winter!

        2. I will sometimes overheat in them, but only while in the kitchen with the oven on or while drying my hair. What with perimenopause, those are times I tend to overheat anyway. If it happens, I slip them off for a bit and slip them back on when I cool down. I don’t wear them much in August heat and humidity, so if you’re looking for something four-season, you may want something else.

    4. I love my Haflinger AS slippers and wear them all winter long. I got the reco from this group!

    6. Uggs. I have the Ansley. They are hard sole but they’re so comfortable I wear them all day every day.

  7. Light topic to keep our minds off the big crazy one. Yesterday’s thread on family holiday traditions was a little sad for me. We are a DINK, non-Christian couple born in a country where Christmas is not the biggest holiday but living in the USA since more than a decade now. We have no traditions for Christmas and no family in this country to start any with. Also a bunch of rituals (carols, tree) seem like we’re appropriating what’s not ours but maybe that’s in my mind. So tell me any of your couples’ traditions that you think could be adopted.

    1. I don’t think carols or Christmas trees are appropriating. :) When we were DINKS, we liked to visit friends for cocktails on Christmas Eve night and have a big brunch and a long walk or hike on Christmas Day. We aren’t Christians and don’t exchange gifts, but we listen to carols and decorate. Christmastime has always been a cozy, happy time for us.

    2. Most of the Christian rituals were originally appropriated from various pagan rituals, anyway, so I say appropriate away and just call it a solstice celebration. We’re DINKs who are not really Christian (ostensibly raised as such, but not really), but I love putting up a Christmas tree and lights. Winter is dark and cold, I need the lights.

      1. +1. We all need some light in winter. Please don’t feel like this is appropriating, OP.

    3. DINKS, atheist, love putting up the tree and stockings and lights. Spend less time worrying what others will think and you’ll enjoy it more.

    4. Put up a tree and decorations if it sounds like fun. We’re a DINK couple and we didn’t put a tree for many years, but recently I’ve found it’s a fun tradition.

      You could make a special meal or watch a special movie around the holiday season. We like to re-watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

      Also, I have cats and participate in a Secret Santa exchange online for other cat people. So on Christmas morning, we open the gifts for the cats and take pictures of them ignoring said gifts and sitting in the box.

    5. First, we are DINK, non-Christians too and I say, adopt what you like and it’s just fine! We try to focus on charity and love–giving more to charities, and thinking of ways to send love to family and friends: holiday cards, cookies or other treats, fresh greenery. Also, putting up lots of lights around the house to commemorate the solstice, since it is truly dark where we live in the North US. And if you like Christmas trees, you should get one!!!! Not appropriating, just celebrating, and that’s what Christmas is about (for me, at least).

    6. You can totally have a tree, regardless of whether you’re Christian or not. Many carols are Christian-themed so maybe skip those. Watch holiday movies. Build a fire and cuddle on the couch. Drink big mugs of hot chocolate, using a candy cane as a stirrer (one of my fave Christmas traditions!). Decorate winter-themed cookies, like snowflakes, snowmen, etc. Make a delicious and special dinner that you wouldn’t normally make (e.g. prime rib, filet mignon, roast duck, or whatever might be a special meal from your culture). Do a non-religious advent calendar (they don’t actually sync up with the religious period of advent, just the 25 days of Dec before Christmas–I always get one from Lindt).

    7. Mulled wine or hot apple cider. Hot chocolate. Ice skating or skiing (I recently read an article on how to enjoy winter and one bit of advice was ‘learn a winter sport and enjoy it’).

      Chinese takeout on Xmas or Xmas eve (this is one of my favorites).

      For a while, there used to be a James Bond marathon every thanksgiving and when we didn’t have anywhere to go, we would make fun snacks and watch.

      Deliver meals to home bound seniors! Or something similar. You don’t have to celebrate the holiday to help someone else commemorate.

      Along these lines, I recently got involved with a secret Santa organization that delivers presents to low income families. The families tell you what they need and you shop for it, wrap it and then Santa drops it all off on Xmas eve. It’s honestly so rewarding. Most of it is stuff like coats and pajamas or shoes and it’s probably some of the most important stuff I buy all year. Again, you don’t need to celebrate

      1. Posted too soon, but meant to add that I think the post office does something similar with letter to Santa.

        Once the pandemic is over you can also start planning some trips even if they’re short. We’re in NY and we would always try to get to Florida for a long weekend around the president’s day holiday in years past. It was usually pretty cheap and it gave me something to look forward to all winter.

      2. Love the idea to volunteer! Deliver meals to homebound seniors or serve dinner to the homeless. Such a nice way to participate in the spirit of giving, even if you don’t do gift giving within your family!

      3. What kind of organizations put together such secret Santas? Would enjoy something like that.

        2. I’ve lived in a couple different mid and large sized cities and found an “adopt a family” program in each one. Just search that term plus your city name to find a few options. I originally heard of it from Big Brothers Big Sisters so if you have one of those in your area, you could contact them and see if they know of similar programs for your location.

      5. Read ”Hogfarher” by Terry Pratchet :) I do this annually and it always lights up a glowing feeling and reminds me of the true meaning of Hogswatch (oops, Christmas…)

    8. My DH and I give stockings to each other. We pick a store like Target or Walmart and a dollar limit like $25. Then we have say, 30 minutes to pick out items for the other one’s stocking at that store for under that amount. We end up with favorite candies, little grooming items, funny socks, whatever. Then we (in the BeforeTimes) go out to eat and share a clue for our non-stocking present for each other. (For my slippers, he gave me the clue “llama” because a friend bought them in Peru. For his weighted blanket, I gave him a hug because it’s supposed to feel like a gentle hug when you sleep.)

      It’s super fun to spend all December thinking of the perfect present and clue, and then have a little game for our stockings. When we open them on Christmas Eve, it’s so fun to laugh about what we saw the other doing down the aisle or passing by that section.

      1. I love your clue tradition! It’s an old Swedish tradition to have a silly rhyming couplet on the tag of your gift that hints at what is inside. This whole comment is adorable.

    10. Non-Christian American here. Christians get angry if you don’t acknowledge Christmas often and explicitly – “How dare you say “happy holidays!”” Then they get mad if you try to celebrate in a non-religious way – “Keep the CHRIST in Christmas!” So really, you just have to make yourself happy because, short of converting, you’ll never make American Christians happy. I feel zero guilt about the accusation of “appropriation” of a culturally dominant holiday that’s already been appropriated by box stores and car dealships.

      1. Not all Christians.

        [The most serious Christians would be pro-Easter, which is just not a very commercialized religious holiday. Thankfully.]

      2. As a Christian American, I say the OP should go for it! If it makes you happy: put up a tree, drink cider, sing carols, watch It’s a Wonderful Life, and eat tree-shaped sugar cookies :) Enjoy dark, cold December however you can :)

        There are certainly some Christians (a loud minority) who complain about these things, but I truly pray it isn’t most of us.

      4. “Non-Christian American here. Christians get angry if you don’t acknowledge Christmas often and explicitly – “How dare you say “happy holidays!”” Then they get mad if you try to celebrate in a non-religious way – “Keep the CHRIST in Christmas!””

        That seems very regional to me. I grew up in the northeast and people / businesses wished one another happy holidays and season’s greetings all the time because (duh) you didn’t know the religion of the person you were dealing with. This is going back 50 years. My friends who grew up in other metro areas say the same thing. In some parts of the country, they have recently discovered the existence of non-Christian people and are “horrified” by doing something that metro areas of the country have done for years. Consider the sources here — the kinds of people who just discovered the existence of non-Christians and non-Christian holidays aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed. Don’t project them to all Christians, even though they think they have the patent.

        1. Spent my whole life in deep-red states and/or among evangelicals and I’ve never met any of them either.

          2. I’m in the northeast.

            I experience “Merry Christmas” as an angry response to “happy holidays” every single year. For the record, i take a friendly “Merry Christmas” in the spirit it’s given, assume best intentions, and return it cheerfully. But the angry ones are different.

            Keeping “Christ in Christmas” is huge where I live, a place where most Christians are Catholic, so this might perhaps be regional? Or a Catholic thing? I am seeing a big push against non-religious Christmas celebration in recent years. For example, our town square used to have a Christmas tree and a menorah. Now it must also have giant nativity scene because the tree was somehow too secular and left out Christ. I’m fine with the tree (and fine without the menorah) but the nativity scene makes me a little uncomfortable.

            All this is to say that, I think the Christian folks here might not be fully appreciating how awkward this is for non-Christians. When I was growing up, we were encouraged to participate in all the non-religious aspects of Christmas. It was widespread enough that no one took offense. Now, non-religious celebration of Christmas is more likely to be looked down upon by religious people I know. So while I don’t think op should worry about “appropriation” I get why she’s apprehensive.

          3. Lilau, why did you go out of your way to say you are fine without the menorah?

      6. +1 to this. I’m also a non Christian American and have felt this way in the past, though less so now. I don’t celebrate Christmas, though, and I generally dislike it being pushed on me.

      7. I am so jealous of people who don’t experience this; “the war on Christmas” is an inescapable obsession among Republican Christians in the swing states where I’ve lived.

      8. Hon, I think you’re living on “liberal outrage” social media too much. This doesn’t happen hardly ever, most people don’t care enough to even respond let alone get frothy about it. Maybe a bubba or a Karen once in a while does this and it goes viral on camera, but 99.5% of Christians smile politely and go about their day.

      9. That is a very specific subset of Christians, and I can think of very few encounters I’ve ever had with this type, even after working retail in high school and college and saying “happy holidays” to numerous customers (which is where I would think you’d be most likely encounter this situation).

        Christians who insist it isn’t at all an imposition on others or uncomfortable to have Christmas dominate public areas of life because they “know a Jewish person who puts up a tree”, THOSE I’ve witnessed.

        1. I’ve encountered this once – while working in a bar after college – and I live in GA.

          The second paragraph, though – yes, I have heard that a lot. Not understanding that Christmas isn’t a religiously neutral holiday is definitely A Thing.

        2. Working in retail off and on from 2008-2012, I did encounter the aggressive Christians mentioned above. Not constantly, but more than once someone responded to my perky “Happy Holidays” with a sneer and a very sarcastic “Merry CHRISTmas.” Or, strangely, handing me a gift-wrapped Bible (happened twice in one season). Definitely not painting all American Christians with that brush, but they certainly are out there.

          When I started saying “Happy solstice” I just got weird looks :)

          1. “Blessed Yule” really causes confusion. I have also used “Happy Hogmanay!”, if I am around someone who is insistent that the only holiday being celebrated is Christmas.

      11. Episcopalian here with overwhelmingly Christian family of various denominations – the only family members who get mad about “Happy Holidays” are the ones who watch Fox News all day long. I don’t mind “happy holidays” a bit. Living in Southern California, there are plenty of non-Christians who celebrate bits and pieces of Christmas and it’s all fine by me.

    11. I would say look for friends who are in a similar situation. We are not observant and have friends who have been kicked out of their religious families and friends who observe non-Christian religious beliefs. It’s easy to put together a Winter Solstice party, do something fun on New Year’s. And reserve a big table at a Chinese restaurant for Dec. 25.

      1. This is a Jewish tradition, we are happy to share it (it’s not religious, purely cultural). Just wanted to clarify since this whole post started due to a concern of appropriation.

    12. Thanks everyone so far, OP here. Yes, in the last ten years we’ve travelled, partied with others not in Christian communities and even with those who do. I guess I’m struggling with the fact, especially this year as our usual options are no longer feasible, that it’s always been piecing something together that works for that year as opposed to the certainty of traditions and rituals. We’ve previously volunteered in soup kitchens but happy to discover new wars remote ways. I guess as a childless couple, it’s easy to feel like you’re not quite doing it right if you don’t have anything to look forward to consistently and it’s more stressful to be “oh we need to do something this year” and look at allll the options.

      1. The only right way is to do what you want. If you want to stay home all day and chill in your PJs, then so be it. Don’t let people and social media make you feel like you have to be doing a bunch of stuff.

      2. I want to attempt to encourage you: we have a kid, but our families are a complete sh*tshow, and I still feel this way about Christmas. It’s a weird combo of excitement for the holiday and our nuclear traditions that we’ve worked hard to cultivate, and anxiety/guilt over not wanting to spend time with extended family, but feeling like we should. I don’t really know how to get around this, but hugs to you. I hope you find a way to celebrate that is meaningful for you.

      3. I think you have to have the mind shift that by repeating certain events you are making your own traditions?

      4. We don’t have kids, and I think I used to feel silly about wanting traditions without children to “justify” them, but I realized that traditions are important for all of us and I’m a person who really values having a family culture. Throughout the year we’ve slowly created a number of seasonal traditions (some by accident, some on purpose, some we don’t do every year, and most revolve around food!).

        I think by focusing on seasons you can easily mark things in a meaningful way without it having to feel tied to any one culture, and there’s a lot you can do in the winter. We live in Chicago where we have distinct seasons and winter can feel endless, so it feels nice to recognize them. If you aren’t comfortable with all-out “Christmas”, think of what makes winter cozier and more tolerable and go in that direction. Looking up ideas for “hygge” could also help spark some ways to make winter feel special without being specifically about Christmas. But I don’t think dominant cultures can easily be appropriated and I say you do whatever you want in that regard :-) While we decorate for Christmas, I also have winter decor that I keep up through February (it’s not a ton of stuff, just some glass candleholders and lanterns and velvet throw pillow covers in jewel tones). It makes winter a bit less dreary.

        For our part, here are a few things we do to mark the seasons:
        Fall:
        A big bonfire and a chili/soup potluck with friends
        Octoberfest-themed birthday for my husband every year (though not this one)
        Changing from percale sheets to flannel and then back again (yes, we look forward to this!)

        Winter:
        Lighting a ton of candles and listening to a record with some mulled wine on Fridays nights when we don’t have plans (equaled only by white or rose on the patio with music on Fridays in the summer!)
        Getting a fresh cut tree every year
        Adding a Christmas ornament with special meaning for the year (often purchased on vacation, but this year it’s a face mask!)
        Baking Christmas cookies with recipes from each of our families
        Renting a cabin or getting a fancy hotel room sometime between Christmas and New Year’s for just the two of us
        Fondue and raclette for dinner a couple of times
        Snowshoeing
        Cooking something Cajun on Mardi Gras along with paczki (Polish jelly doughnuts)
        Tea of all kinds, all the time
        Board games

        Spring:
        Asparagus soup with the first good asparagus of the season
        Planning our garden and starting seedlings (I’m not at all a gifted gardener, but it’s therapeutic, and was great even when we had only a tiny balcony and plants in pots)

        Summer:
        BLTs with homemade sourdough once we get the first perfect tomatoes of the season
        Homemade pizza on the grill

      5. DINKs as well. Favorite tradition is every year we do an Adopt-An-Angel program where you are given the wish list for a kid. We normally buy for multiple kids and get in very spirited arguments about what running shoes or toys a child we will never meet will find cool.

      6. Do you like to cook? We like to cook ridiculously elaborate meals (and cocktails!) on holidays. This Thanksgiving it’ll be just the three of us (with my son) so Hubby wants to try Beef Wellington!

      7. I grew up in a family that was VERY into Christmas. We definitely had traditions, but that didn’t mean we were in the same place with the same people each year. Now, DH and I live near his parents, and there’s a large, messy family. Every year, there’s a lot of negotiation, drama, and hurt feelings, but it’s never exactly the same as the previous year.

        Adopt traditions that you do during the winter season or that you can do no matter where you travel or who you celebrate with. Enjoy the freedom!

    13. Cultural appropriation of a majority dominant culture is not a thing. Take whatever of Christmas strikes your fancy! Cookies? Lights? Puzzles? Fireplace?

    14. We’re a DINK couple who are not remotely religious (I was raised Christian and wouldn’t describe myself as Christian now), although we did grow up in America so strong Christmas culture regardless of religion. I really like celebrating Christmas since it’s such a dark and cold month weather wise.

      I think you can easily focus on the non-religious Christmas rituals without appropriating – think yes to little Christmas tree decorations (or a big one if you want that), no to a nativity figurine scene. Or yes to Christmas twinkle lights! Or holiday baking! Yes to holiday Spotify lists. No to Christmas Eve candlelight church service. Although honestly, Christianity is so steeped in missionary roots that I bet many Christians would welcome you trying out their religious things if you were interested.

      Things we specifically do as DINK couple that you could do:
      -Christmas Movies/Shows. This year DH made us do a whole month of scary/haunted movies shows for October for Halloween (lol I’m not a scary movie/show type of person but fwiw Evil is a really good show that we found) and we’re planning on doing something similar for December.
      -Lean into holiday parties with friends (although maybe not this year:). I used to host one and now that we’ve moved back into the area, I’m excited to do this again in 2021 when our new house is done and Covid19 is done.
      -Put up twinkle lights. Although honestly this is just for me and I would leave them up for all of winter if DH would let me. :)
      -Make christmas cookies, specifically peanut butter blossoms because they’re the best christmas cookie. Or any other kind of special baked thing.
      -Special drinks like holiday cocktails and hot chocolate.

    15. Don’t be so concerned about being woke that you can’t “appropriate” a Christmas tree (etc) if that appeals to you. Plenty of people enjoy them. Traditions are meant to be shared and enjoyed, not held close to the vest.

    16. My conservative father gets offended when non-Christian children talk about Santa, which I consider just my father being a huge jerk. Even as a child growing up in a church, I thought there were two ways to celebrate Christmas – a secular and a religious one. I’m now a non-church going adult, and I still consider the secular Christmas traditions (Santa, trees, lights, etc) to be part of the American culture, not Christian culture. If you’ve been living in the US for over a decade, its not appropriation at all. Even if you don’t live in the US – try out some of our traditions! And I would like to learn about and experience some traditions from other cultures.

      1. Side note, your last few sentences are where I struggle with cultural appropriation so much. Like I absolutely believe it is a harmful thing that we should not do, but it’s really hard for me to find the line between exploring different traditions and cultural appropriation.

        1. I have a friend who is Filipino and has totally “appropriated” the Dutch tradition of putting gifts in her kid’s shoe on St. Nicolas Day, which she learned from Dutch me. I don’t even know how I would begin to be insulted by this.

          1. Exactly. For anyone who doesn’t know, it’s not bad cultural appropriation if you use the culture of someone who colonized you. It’s bad when people at the top of the hierarchy claim something that belong to oppressed people. So everyone should feel free to appropriate mainstream American culture, given the number of military bases we’ve got worldwide.

        2. I think the difference is between adopting a new to you tradition from a different culture after taking the time to study it and deciding that it is something that will bring you joy, vs taking the culture of a different people and 1. capitalizing on it, 2. replicating it poorly for comical or entertainment purposes, or 3. using it but not giving it proper credit as source data.

    17. First, just wanted to pile on that it’s not appropriating. I like to send Christmas cards – before we had a kid I’d feature a photo of our dog. I still really enjoy seeing people’s pets in holiday photos. We put up a tree, I lit all the candles, and we would sometimes have friends over for a fire and to tap a firkin. I also baked, because I had free time before kids. Would you consider doing an angel tree with your SO? That reminds me I need to choose one for us to shop for this season.

    18. How about finding a concert that happens every year in your town so that you make that a tradition with dinner or drinks. While there are a lot of Christmas themed concerts out there at that time of year, I think you could find one more secular. I wouldn’t count the Christmas based ones out though as some times regardless of the words the choir is singing, the harmonies are so fantastic that it is worth going. For me, it can be one of my very happiest places.

    19. I’m an atheist who leans hard into all things Christmas. It’s my favorite holiday. Many Christmas traditions have pagan roots anyway, so please don’t feel as though you’re appropriating.

    20. For the first seven years of our marriage we were also non-Christian DINKs. We were honestly not that into Christmas (still aren’t) but created a tradition of cooking a fancy brunch on Christmas morning (even if we did not put up a tree or get each other Christmas presents) and then going to the movies. We continued the tradition once we had our son, and just added in other things.

    21. I’m the OP from yesterday’s thread about Christmas traditions. To be clear: I’m an atheist. My husband is a Presbyterian who is a believer but does not go to church often. Our two year old and yet-to-arrive second child will be exposed to religion but ultimately will choose for themselves. AND I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! I’ve always celebrated it and it has never been religious for me. Go crazy!

    22. Don’t worry about it! Pick what you like from the majority culture.
      A mid-winter festival of light and plenty is common across ages and religions, and predates Christianity.

      Where I live (Scandinavia) it’s still called Yule, which is the Viking age name for the pre-Christian celebrations.

      Pick the things that give you joy. Fairy lights, trees, carols, Disney, Elvis, you can choose what will brighten your winter.

      Don’t be afraid of the church music. A choir version of Bach’s Christmas Oratorium or classic carols will be lovely. Skip the the communion and you’ll be fine.

      Mulled wine, gingerbread, crackling and freshly caught cod can be eaten with no qualms. Buy silly ornaments, watch Leathal Weapon or Home Alone, get a tablecloth with stars or snowflakes, it’s all good. :)

    23. It doesn’t work this year but why not appropriate Jewish-American Christmas traditions: most traditional is to go out to Chinese food and go to a movie (movie theater will be delightfully empty), the posh one is to go skiing (slopes will be delightfully empty) and the practical one is to fly somewhere that day (flights are cheaper, airports will be delightfully empty).

    24. You can definitely do a tree and carol and adopt any other traditions you’d like. Honestly, I think cultural appropriation is an issue when someone in a majority group (or perhaps a minority group that’s in power) takes something from a minority/less powerful group, especially if the appropriator profits from it. It’s more assimilation than appropriation to adopt traditions from the majority culture. Still a personal choice, but do what you want without worrying about harming anyone who celebrates Christmas.

      I’ve always enjoyed warm winter beverages throughout December–hot chocolate, spiced teas, eggnog, apple cider, mulled wine, etc. Combine with cozy blankets and a secular Christmas movie of your choice.

      One of my favorite Christmas Eve meals is oyster stew. It is super simple and easy to make, but rich and luxurious.

      I like having a Christmas or winter themed puzzle to work on during December.

      I also used to shop for a child in a Secret Santa program. It really was rewarding! You can split the cost with a friend too if it feels like too much.

    25. IMO, Christmas traditions are for anyone who wants to partake in them, you don’t have to be a Christian to have a tree or sing carols, and you definitely don’t need to be Christian to make a nice meal, eat festive cookies, hang lights everywhere, exchange presents, and/or watch Christmas movies.

      There might – MIGHT – be some hardcore Christians who believe you have to “earn” the fun Christmas stuff by devoting your life to Christ and going to church every Sunday, but honestly, they’re a small and vocal minority you’re free to ignore.

      1. We’re DINKs and not religiously observant, and in the before times, we’d have a “hot drinks” party. Vaguely holiday-ish but not necessarily. We provided hot cocoa and hot cider and various liquors for people to spike their own beverages if they wished. It was something to bring a little joy to a dark and cold time of year but we don’t tie it to any holiday. This year, we’re thinking we’ll take it to-go, minus the booze. Inviting people to join us for a socially-distanced walk with a thermos of something warm, maybe to go look at lights around the area.

        I buy my husband an advent calendar beer box with 24 craft beers, and we create a reverse advent calendar out of it. For each beer he drinks, we replace it with a canned good. At the end of the month, the local food bank gets a nice donation. We feel good about helping others and it’s a small reminder of how fortunate we are.

    26. I’m a very devout Catholic and have strong feelings about “appropriating” Christmas. Enjoy the tree and the presents if you want; however, please do not assume that all Christians can or should have similar feelings about those traditions. I get irked when atheists assume that since it’s all frivolous fun to them (and no judgement!), that we are foolish or wrong for having much deeper feelings about the holiday.

      2. I’m Catholic and aware that these traditions were “appropriated” from pagan religions.

        1. +1 the only thing I can think of that would actually irk me as a Catholic having a non-Christian “appropriate” Christmas (or any of our holidays or traditions) would be taking communion (please don’t do that, that’s very sac-religious)

    27. Practicing Christian here and unless you’re literally putting up a crèche, I wouldn’t feel you’re appropriating.

      As for a tradition, I encourage lights! I love that they literally bring joy to the dark. They’re a tradition for you, for your neighbors, and for anyone just passing through.

  8. First time dog owner. Spouse has had dogs. All couches involved are leather and 15-20 years old, not heirloom pieces.

    Dog is very big golden mix older puppy (40ish pounds). He just now started being interested in sitting on the couches (is usually horizontal on the floor).

    Husband says that dogs in the couch is a hell no (slobber, etc). I really don’t see a problem. Is this a big no-no in the dog world? I get why cats in the counter is gross (but hard to police) but not really bothered by this. We are home all day into infinity (if we weren’t, dog would be in his crate).

    1. Eh, our couches are ancient and disgusting but we still don’t let our dog on them with us because he is large and heavy and wouldn’t settle down (would just stand there surfing on the uneven cushions because unstable surfaces scare him). Not a relaxing experience for him or us. Therefore, so as to not confuse him about why he might get yelled at for jumping on the couch sometimes but not other times, he’s not allowed on the couches at all.

      I don’t think it sounds like it would be a problem in your house (and/or you could train your puppy to lie calmly on the couch), but I wouldn’t fight this battle, honestly. If your husband doesn’t like it, just accustom the dog to lying next to the couch. (Mine likes to sit with his back to us, between the couch and the coffee table – it lets him keep an eye on the front door, or the vacuum, or whatever else he might need to protect us from.)

    2. The rule in my house is that as long as the dog moves immediately off the couch when asked, they are allowed up if they want. So much as a sideways look when asked to move and couch privileges are revoked.
      Beyond that, I neither encourage or discourage. I have one who loves the couch and one who prefers the dog bed on the floor.

    3. I think it depends on your personal preference for hair/mess/smells. We do not allow our large dog on our fabric couch but she gets the leather ottoman as ‘hers’ (leather, as you obviously know, is MUCH easier clean up with pets). Personally, I don’t love the smell of a dog on my pillows/blankets, and I wanted a hair/slobber free zone.

    4. This is a matter of preference – some owners prefer the couch space to be reserved for humans, including human guests, and some don’t like dog hair everywhere. Our little shedder is allowed on our couch and loves sleeping on the couch and we are totally fine with that and think it’s cute.

    5. We consider it an obedience and training issue, more than a practical issue. The dogs belong on the floor, under us, both physically and hierarchically. It’s a boundary that helps define the pecking order.

      1. This is the main reason dogs are not allowed on our furniture. A secondary reason is that a full-grown Golden takes up most of the couch, leaving little room for humans.

    6. I’m team dogs on the sofa, but here are some considerations. This is very hard to “take back.” Some dogs are very cuddly and will cuddle every and anyone who enters your house, and can be a bit forceful and demanding about it. And they are not always very considerate of whether said person is say, holding a beverage. Psychologically, dogs tend to view the places where they sleep as “belonging” to them by right, and can be stubborn about this. Are you up for policing this or locking your dog up in the future? Do you plan to train your dog very, very well so that this isn’t likely to be an issue? Is the pandemic going to stretch out so long into the future that there’s no reason to think about house guests anyway? It sounds like your dog is going to be a lot bigger than 40ish pounds someday. Dog claws can scratch up leather especially if they aren’t well trimmed. Slobber actually isn’t one of my concerns since it’s leather. Odors can be an issue with fabric sofas, but again, not so much an issue for leather.

    7. It’s a hard habit to break once you start, but dog snuggles on the sofa are super fun. I’m the dog person in our relationship. DH didn’t have a single pet growing up, and he instituted the no furniture rule with my dog when we moved in together. It’s fine, and it does keep things way cleaner.
      So it might not be an issue with a 20 year old sofa, but eventually you will get a new one and doggo will not understand if it is suddenly off limits. He is probably smart enough to understand the sofa is ok, but not the bed etc if you want to compromise.

    8. Some pet owners allow dogs on their couches and to sleep on their beds (my sister – dog actually sleeps under the covers). I’ve always been a no dogs on the beds or sofa person. Just seems so much cleaner. You can put a nice dog bed right next to the sofa so the dog can nuzzle your feet or get a pet on the head etc.

      1. My dog is snuggled up next to me under the covers right now. It’s pure magic. I can wash the sheets.

          1. Snuggles and couch naps with my Good Boy who passed this spring are probably what I miss most :-)

            I think this is a very, very personal thing and there’s no right answer here. For me, the benefits of allowing our dog on the furniture outweighed the downsides. I agree that if you do allow it, you need to have firm boundaries so the dog isn’t climbing over guests when they come over. Our dog understood that if we said “off”, he had to get off immediately and wait to be invited back.

          2. I’m w Aunt Jamesina. He has to get off when asked and has a very strong “place” command (stays on whatever spot I tell him to until released) but doggy cuddles are awesome!

    10. We allow our dog on the sofa– but we have a pet-friendly sofa. She doesn’t shed a ton or slobber. She also oddly asks politely if she can come up before trying to get into your lap.

      In-laws do a bit of a compromise– they have a leather sofa, which they love. Their dogs also tend to pee on things. They have a few blankets on the couch and have trained their dogs to only sit on the blankets, so if the blankets get gross, they just wash them.

      1. This is what my husky owning friend did. Dog is allowed only on doggy quilt on the sofa.

    11. I trained my dog to ask if he can come up. If the answer is no, he has a dog bed right there to lie on. That training went to hell when I moved in with my Mom when my Dad died very unexpectedly a few months ago. We are moving back this week, so we will see what it takes to get him back to that spot.

      My guy is 25 lbs, sheds very little, doesn’t drool and isn’t a cuddler ( he likes his own end of the couch and will happily accept any and all belly rubs while there).

    12. I snuggle the heck out of my dogs on the couch. They are not allowed on our bed. If one of is sick and camped out on a guest bed, they are allowed on there. They oddly know the difference.

    13. We allow our dog on the couch on the part that has a blanket. It protects the furniture from his claws, and when the blanket is filthy with dog hair, we can throw it in the laundry. Compromise!

    14. we have a blanket and train our dog to only sit on his blanket on the couch. saves the couch occasionally when he spontaneously pukes

    15. We have had two big dogs as a family, a 65 pound golden retriever, and a 60 pound labradoodle. The first dog we did not allow on the furniture at all, and the second one jumps up on beds, couches, and armchairs. With the first dog we had a dog bed upstairs for Trixie, as well as one downstairs that we could move from the living room to the den so she had a nice bed as she was not on the furniture.

      The biggest problem with dog #2, Ruby, is that the furniture is much dirtier. She gets a lot of walks in the woods, and despite our efforts with towels, she tracks home a lot of dirt. I like cuddling with her on the couch, but with the first dog, we cuddled with our two sons and the dog was was on the floor. If I have to do it again, and we might as Ruby is now 9 years old, I would keep the dog off of the furniture as the dirt gets really old. (I know I can put a blanket on the couch, but that gets old too.) If you have room, get your dog a nice bed, or a loveseat, or whatever, and keep the dog off the furniture.

    16. We let our dog up on the sofa, and on the bed. At night he gets kicked out of human bed to go sleep in his crate, but he gets cuddle time on the bed until we want to go to sleep. I can’t imagine having a dog and missing out on two of the prime dog snuggle locations (sofa/bed) but I get that other people feel differently about it. For what its worth, we have a regular fabric sofa from West Elm that is a pale blue, and our dog is black, and its not noticeably disgusting. We did have to give up on the white bedding that we had purchased right before we got the dog, mostly because of wet messy paw prints. But a small price to pay…

  9. Can I provide a distraction/ask for recommendations this morning?

    I manage a small team of three and each of them has gone above and beyond this year, in spite of it being, well, 2020, and the fact that our industry went into overdrive due to the pandemic. Our office doesn’t usually do big gifts from supervisor to employee – maybe a starbucks gift card, bottle of wine, or just a team holiday lunch at a nearby restaurant on a workday. I would like to be generous with gifts for each of them this year, along with a note expressing my gratitude for the way they have handled themselves and contributed to the company’s success. Two of the three are 30-ish-year-old single men and I am thinking to get each of them a set of AirPods (with gift receipt) – they currently use wired Apple earphones for calls, as well as for listening to podcasts or music at the office, so I know these would be used and appreciated without stepping across personal boundaries. My third employee is trickier. She is 40-ish and single, a homeowner, and has dealt with a number of health issues this year while managing her work remarkably well. She is vocal about her pursuit of work-life balance and self-awareness, though I am not aware of any specific hobbies outside of work. She is spiritual, but not necessarily religious. Do y’all have any ideas? Thanks in advance!

    1. You’re a kind boss. My inclination would be to give them all the same thing with a receipt (maybe buy them at Target or someplace with general merchandise). I think it’s easy to go down a bad path guessing why a woman who is religious would get a different gift than a man). A general gift card might just be nicer overall. Different offices are different but I might also be wary of going too far out of the norm – like the Office episode where everyone spends $10 on the grab bag and Michael buys an iPod….

      2. +1 get her AirPods too. They’re honestly the best gift I’ve ever gotten that I did not think I needed at all.

      3. Whoops – sorry I forgot an important detail – she already has them!

    3. Yes, I’m a woman in my 40s with no hobbies and I would love AirPods and would be mad if you bought them for the guys and not for me. The only reason I don’t have them is I’m too cheap when it comes to things I get for myself.

    5. I would do a gift card for all of them. They will appreciate your note as much or more than the gift, so I would spend time on that and make it as thoughtful as possible.

    6. In mod with an important detail – Employee #3 already has AirPods Pro and uses them daily. I realize the question looks really bad without that detail!

    7. I would love to get a Visa gift card from my boss along with a nice note of appreciation! I think it is too tricky to buy personalized gifts.

      1. I agree, gift card for all three. (Honestly, actually I would and in fact do give cash — Visa gift cards are SUPER annoying to use because you have to keep track of the balance to the penny.)

        1. +1 I have a stack of gift cards that I’m trying to use from bosses. It is even harder due to COVID because they are a PAIN to try to use for online purchases. I’m appreciative, but please just give me cash.

          And some ran out because of the monthly fee.

    8. Another plug for same gift for all 3. If she already has earpods then that rules out earpods as a gift. Give them a gift card or restaurant voucher or doordash dash pass.

  10. I voted!

    Looking for a reality check. I’ve been dating a guy for about a year. I’m 34, no kids, never want to give birth but not opposed to step mom with the right fit. He’s 47, got divorced 3 years ago, has an 8 year old. I am considering splitting with him because of how he parents, but as a childfree person, that feels … odd? Judging about something I don’t know about? So, hoping to get some perspective. He claims he never wanted kids, his ex got pregnant shortly after they got married and that was the beginning of the end according to him. He loves his daughter and wants to be a good dad. He has significant real estate in NC, they moved to TN to be closer to family and he commuted every other week. (I live in TN). Earlier this year, his ex got engaged and moved to MN. There was a custody battle but cut short due to COVID- mom and daughter moved, he agreed that daughter will stay in MN but he can visit and have custody there up to 50%.

    My issue is – he sees her one long weekend a month. I know this is covid and travel stinks …but he continues to fly between TN and NC. He says he has no interest in moving to cold MN, that he plans to keep splitting time between TN and NC long term. I get that MN is cold, but I just can’t imagine only seeing my child a few days a month (long term). Is this crazy? Should I ask him questions?

    1. If this doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work for you so end it. It works for him and that’s what matters as it relates to the arrangement.

    2. I don’t think it is crazy and I don’t know what questions you would ask. Each divorce is different, and becomes different as the ex-spouses repartner. I know a bunch of people in this situation, all guys. I think if the kid is thriving, a weekend isn’t as ideal as Dad living down the street, but if the kid has two functional parents, kid will probably be OK. With phones and texting, they can stay in contact even if remote. And they may do things like extended summer breaks, etc. It is all different and if it works for them, I would leave it alone. Obvs they are still figuring this out (and the ex may not want her ex in the same state/city), so this may be just one of many changes. [For my job, I couldn’t do it in MN and yes, I hate winters, but you get these big moves post-divorce, often for one party to be closer to family or for a job.]

      FWIW, the worst scenario I know is that the divorced parents are in the same city and one just never bothers. That is the worst for the kids and they know it.

    3. You can judge anything you want in a relationship – you’re not running a charity. That said, kids living far away from parents post divorce is normal. And once a month given the distance sounds pretty involved to me.

      2. You get to have whatever dealbreakers you choose. This one doesn’t sound crazy to me. I know people choose to live far away from their children for various reasons but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to not want to be with someone who would make that choice.

    4. Yay for voting!

      I think it is 100% fair for you as a child-free person to judge how a life partner rears the child that you could potentially be step-parenting someday. This isn’t a perfect analogy, but I think it’s like being intentionally and happily single while judging a friend in an exclusive relationship who is cheating on their spouse. It’s fair to care that the people closest to you honor the commitments they have made, even if those commitments are different than the ones in your life.

      1. Also, this wouldn’t really be like step-parenting. It’s more like you’d be fun Bonus Aunt Linda, who does fun things but doesn’t really deal with the drama (which sounds like it could be fun, albeit limited).

        Kids are adults for a lot longer than they are minor kids and preserving a good family relationship until adulthood is what is key. Often then things are long or longer-distance anyway and having a relationship with skills for that can be good over a lifetime. Not ideal now, but not the worst thing ever.

    5. I think as the kid is older, the kid can fly unaccompanied back and forth and they can have more of a relationship post COVID. However, one long weekend a month sounds okay to me to stay in touch and I know several parents who don’t have any relationship at all with their kids due to circumstances like this one. Also, from my East Asian country, there are tons of families where mom and kids are sent to live in the US and dad sees them in the summers only.

    6. Why is this crazy? Mom moved, he fought it, and lost. What do you think he should do? Up and move as well? One long weekend a month doesn’t sound crazy. Does he pay his child support?

    7. He tried to keep her there but lost the custody battle it sounds like or realized a drawn out custody battle is not great for kids. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that he has decided not to move and unroot his entire life. Parents have lives outside of their kids even though kids should be the priority, they are not everything. One weekend a month is pretty good in a pandemic. Lots of local dads only see their kids every second weekend. At 8 years old, she’s only 3-4 years away from being able to do a flight by herself. At that point I would expect that she’d be visiting for a few weeks in the summer, a week at Christmas etc.

      Signed, mom to three kids. I would move but I totally understand that many people don’t.

      1. Also, at 8, his daughter has a life and friends too. It’s. It fair to stunt her development by forcing her away for more than once a month of weekend activity either.

    8. You can privately think whatever you want, but shouldn’t talk to him about it. As a childless person who is not a stepmother to this child you have no standing to verbally critique, but especially so because there is nothing objectively wrong with this situation, it’s simply something you wouldn’t do. This man flies to Minnesota every single month to see his child states away because she was moved away against his will and also commutes between two other states to maintain his properties, business and spend time with you. He is not required to give up his livelihood and life because his ex decided to move to a cold place. He still sees his child as regularly as he can and spends a lot of time and money to do so. Honestly he sounds like a catch. If you don’t want him for this, please throw him back into the dating pool for the rest of our sakes. You probably shouldn’t date men with children if this situation irks you enough to break up.

      1. +1
        There are things that ppl think are “abnormal” or irrational simply because they haven’t been in that situation. This is one of those situations and OP should break up if this doesn’t work for her, or for the circumstances anon at 10:46am stated, not because she finds it odd that he can only spend one weekend a month with his daughter.

      2. Why wouldn’t it be a good idea to have a conversation about it? It doesn’t have to be criticism but trying to understand his perspective, which may or may not be as you describe.

    9. It could also be that he’s recovering from the custody battle and this is what he can do right now. It doesn’t mean that this is a forever arrangement. Why don’t you aka him how he is feeling about the change (not questioning his decision, just how he is feeling).

    10. I just ended things with a guy in a similar situation, for unrelated reasons, but thought a lot about this while we were dating. Where I landed was that, if I’m going to accept the complications of dating a man with children, he’d better be a really great dad! If his relationship with his kids and his ex isn’t admirable, then it’s not something I want to get involved in. For me, I think it is less about some minimum number of days a month, but more about how he talks about his kids, how he interacts with them, how integral they are to his life and identity. How comfortable is he speaking to you about them? Does he answer your questions about them openly and kindly? Does he talk to his friends about them? I’d start there and hopefully things will become obvious over time. Good luck!

    11. You can judge on anything you want. Since you asked, here are some data points/ considerations:

      – outside of his one weekend/month, does he talk to his daughter/seem otherwise engaged in her life? (and is this a good or bad thing for you)? Technology has done a lot to help us all feel close without physically being close.

      – if he told you he wanted to move to MN, how would you feel?

      – DH has a step sister. FIL had her and then divorced her mom when she was 5. He took a job across the country, got remarried, and had DH. DH saw his half-sister only a handful of times each year (two weeks in the summer, either thanksgiving or christmas, and an occasional long weekend/school break). FIL was not a bad parent. FIL’s ex wife never remarried.

    12. You are 100% entitled to consider his parenting when deciding whether this relationship is right for you. In many ways, being a stepparent is harder than being a parent. You don’t get much of a say in how the child is raised. As an example, I dated a guy whose 7 year old was super hyper – couldn’t sit still ever, couldn’t sleep, tried to sneak video games until 3 am every night, it was exhausting. The parents both fed this poor child massive amounts of sugar at all times of day and night, including nightly HUGE dessert – nearly a pint of ice cream – right before bed at 9 pm or later. They also had the kid in therapy, on drugs, etc. for his “behavioral problems.” They refused to consider any changes to his diet and got very defensive at the suggestion that maybe sugar is the culprit – the kid is thin so he must be healthy (eyeroll). It was a big factor in why I ended the relationship.

      From your description, it kind of sounds like you see this guy as a deadbeat dad – he didn’t want the kid and he’s been given an out so he’s taking it – but I’m not sure whether that’s a fair assessment. It sounds like he tried to fight the move and lost? But I mean, you know this guy better than we do, if you think he’s a deadbeat then it would be hard to really respect him. You don’t need our permission to break up.

    13. I think it can be helpful to children to have a “home base” vs. having to travel back and forth between parents. There’s no perfect solution here. I don’t know if there’s more context though, like if he seems uncaring or unknowledgeable about his daughter. When I was growing up, pretty much of all my friends whose parents were divorced had dads who were pathetically uninvolved and uncaring and just the worst, so my kneejerk reaction is to look askance at dads who don’t have custody, but I know this isn’t fair and that times may have changed.

      1. I can also easily imagine that one long weekend a month, if it’s all dedicated to parenting since he’s in another state and isn’t also doing errands or hobbies or anything else that’s part of his daily life, actually adds up to quite a bit of time with his daughter?

    14. I think you absolutely can judge, but think you’re looking for reasons to not be with him. If he parented the way you want, he would be moving about 15 to 20 hours away from you. If he doesn’t do that, you are hesitant to be with him.

      I side with him on this, even though I usually believe that the parents should make sacrifices for their kids. His ex moved without his consent, and he (rightly) fought it in court. She shouldn’t be making decisions about his life for him, and moving to MN is forcing him into a pile of bad decisions. I guess I am so disapproving of a parent moving away in such a manner that I don’t want to fault the other parent.

      He will also be able to see his daughter much more when she’s older and can fly on her own.

    15. Having been witness to more divorces and custody battles amongst my friends than I thought I would see, I can tell you only that these situations are tremendously complicated and there may be more involved in his decisions than he’s willing to tell you about at this juncture. Here’s a dirty secret about parenting many people are not willing to talk about: some parents are just not all that attached to their kids. They don’t bond with them or connect with them in the way parental connection is portrayed in the movies and on sitcoms. Some adults fundamentally do not like children, even when they have their own children, and find them difficult to relate to. My father-in-law was like this, and had the self-awareness to admit it. It doesn’t make him walking away from my husband during most of his childhood okay, but they had a conversation about it at one point and were able to forge a functional relationship as adults. Admitting those kinds of feelings, as a parent, is tremendously unacceptable. If your boyfriend has those feelings he may not have even admitted them to himself.

      I am also going to share this example from my own life. My son is in his teens and at this point if my husband and I split up, and my son wanted to primarily live with his dad, I would allow that and give my husband primary custody. I love my son to pieces, but ultimately he needs his dad more at this time of his life than he needs me. Additionally, they are two peas in a pod; they are similar in many ways and my husband relates to my son much better than I relate to my son, most of the time. (Why I relate so well to my husband and struggle so mightily at times with my son, when they are so alike, is one of the great mysteries of my life.) My husband would be better equipped to parent my son through this next phase of his life. Believe me, that is not a comfortable thing for me to admit but it is the truth. It’s possible your boyfriend had a similar revelation about his daughter and just admitted to himself that this situation he’s in, while not ideal, or maybe what he would choose in a perfect world, is the best for everyone involved.

      As others have said, it’s up to you whether you want to roll with this or give him the heave-ho, but I will say it’s admirable that he’s making the effort every month to see her and that is actually not all that common. I’ve seen more situations where after the custody battle is lost, the dad withdraws completely. I have a friend whose children have not seen their father in years except for increasingly infrequent video calls. This guy sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders and some good motivations, even if they don’t match what you think your motivations would be. That’s worth exploring if the relationship is good and you feel like it could go somewhere.

    16. lol as someone who never wanted kids and has been with a man with a 10 year old and 50/50 custody for 3 years, this would be my dream.

  12. What are the qualifications to work in career services at a university? Is there any role for a professional who wants to leave, say, Big Finance (ibanking and the like) and support students in a business school somehow?

    1. yes – but it depends on the university and their philosophy. i’ve worked in an MBA career center and at an undergrad career center. At the MBA center, many people came from industry backgrounds (the one who worked with students interested in IB/Finance was an ex-recruiter), but some from higher ed backgrounds. in the undergrad center, it is a lot more from higher ed/counseling backgrounds, but the undergrad center i worked at doesn’t have an undergrad business program. it varies A LOT by school/office. Most universities currently have hiring freezes. If there are some universities that you are targeting specifically, i would start now by offering to speak with students or host a virtual panel or something to share your industry insight etc. as a way to begin networking with those offices.

    2. Not the question you answered but you are looking at taking a huge salary hit if you are going from big finance to career services. If you are interested in recruiting and college students can you shift to a recruiting role or careers development role at your bank instead?

    3. Yes, I have had at least 2 top tier consulting colleagues do this for very different b-schools. One left permanently (at least up until now) and the other left for 3 years then went back to consulting. Both were at the “one level below partner” level. I would inquire at the b-schools career office to see what they say. Also, one went to their own b-school but the other did not.

    4. Wow, I have never been more eligible to respond to a post here, as a person who works in Career Services in a a business school, no less! There is absolutely no requirement that people in career services come from within the field they counsel students to enter; most of the advisors in our office have either a bit of business experience and lots of advising experience, or no business experience at all. This is because their role is to help students make career plans, pursue opportunities like internships, and develop their interests, not to network on their behalf. Some of them have masters in counseling/student services. That being said, a background in the industry could certainly be useful as well and students would be excited to learn from someone who has been there. I work on the program development side, so I don’t advise students at all; I develop new programs to encourage student engagement with career planning. I have a background is BizDev and fundraising, and more of that type of experience than most of my peers in the office. I will say, if you’re coming from industry, the pay would be a shocker to you, probably. But the work-life balance is great and if it is a topic you’re passionate about, it can be very rewarding. If this is something you’re interested in speaking more about, drop a burner email and I’ll reach out!

  13. I am super responsive when working remotely, and I work longer hours than I would when I’m in my freezing office. I’m normally independent, working on long-term projects, and don’t need a lot of interaction to get things done.

    So OF COURSE my boss had an unusually urgent question this morning, when I had stepped away from my laptop and was frantically helping my husband look for his lost wedding ring. 15 minutes later, she left an angry IM to call her immediately.

    Sigh. I know it will blow over, and I’m not going to make excuses to her, it just…sucks, you know? You built goodwill so slowly, and lose it so quickly.

      1. Is this consistent with how your boss usually behaves? Is there any chance that she is on edge about the election and not herself today?

    2. You have a bad boss. Being away from your keyboard for 15 minutes is totally normal. What if you have IBS? Or you know you’re a normal human who wanted to make coffee or just breathe some fresh air.

      1. I seem to have IBS or something similar that my doctors can’t quite diagnosis, and this was my first thought.

        Your boss was being unreasonable. Unless she is a horrible human being, I’m sure she’ll snap out of it and won’t hold this against you.

        Signs point to her being horrible, but still don’t take it personally. You did ZERO wrong.

    4. Your boss is entirely unreasonable. If the matter was urgent, she should have called you – it is much easier to hear a phone ring than a little ding or pop. She didn’t know what you were doing, you could have been pooping, getting coffee, etc. – things you would do in a normal office. She really won’t let you poop in your own home?

      Don’t get down on yourself. If she gets angry or miffed this easily, it would have happened sooner or later over something similarly small, it’s not your fault.

    5. 15 minutes of a delay is insane for your boss to get upset about. Look for a new job. You’re not starring in Devil Wears Prada.

    6. I’m sorry if you’re boss is really going to hold that against you, because as someone who manages other people, that seems really silly to me. Even if you were in your office, you could easily be in the bathroom, making a cup of coffee, etc. etc. and be away from your desk for fifteen minutes and it would be totally expected. I empathize though, because I have definitely been making sure to wear my apple watch/turn my cell phone ringer on so I actually notice/hear calls when they come through since I’ve been working from home because it does give me anxiety if someone senior I work with calls me and I miss it.

    8. People do the following while physically present at work: poop, chat at the water cooler, grab a coffee. All of these can last 15 minutes. This has nothing to do with WFH. Your boss is a nut.

    9. You didn’t do anything wrong and it seems like your boss is overreacting. 15 minutes it not a long time. The same thing could have happened in the office if you had to walk to the bathroom and then stopped to talk to a co-worker on the way back.

      If you really want to be connected, see if you can set up your IM program on your phone. We use Teams.

        1. My husband once found a 6″ worm in his stool, as in, a parasite that had grown inside him. He felt compelled to retrieve it and bring it to the doctor for diagnostic purposes. Embellish from there.

    11. Are you projecting/assuming? ‘An angry IM’ – what were her exact words? There’s no tone conveyed in messaging so, for your sake, I’m hoping it wasn’t actually that angry and she just needed you to urgently call her when you were back at your desk. This is coming from someone who used to freak out if I didn’t respond to my boss instantly when I was very young and green in the professional world.

      Otherwise, boss sounds terrible. Time for a change?

    12. Your boss is being unreasonable. I am back in the office in person, have been for months, and I spent 45 minutes away from my phone and keyboard talking to one of my bosses and a coworker about the election this morning.

    13. Your boss was definitely being unreasonable, but if this was super out of character, I’d assume there was something else going on that had nothing to do with you. Maybe the urgent thing was stressing her out and it bled into her interaction with you unnecessarily – I’ll admit, I’ve been that person, although never in a work setting, and certainly never as a manager (because I’ve never been a manager). Maybe it’s election stress. Maybe she’s been having issues getting what she needs from other people on the team, and the delay in you getting back to her was what put her over the edge.

  14. Since others have broken the Christmas seal, can I solicit ideas on Christmas dinner ideas? Asking this early gives me a chance to practice! So here’s the sitch: I’m hosting guests for both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Christmas Eve is mainly family, including two kids and Christmas Day is a mix of family and friends who are all adults. I need to feed about 10-12 people each night and at least the first night is an expected formal sit-down dinner. Thoughts on two different meals that are both Christmasy? I’ve got appetizers and desserts sorted but help on the mains and some sides would be great!

    1. We do fancy macaroni cheese for the vegetarians. I think it’d be even fancier if you do it in individual ramekins. Along the same lines, maybe Cornish game hens. If I was hosting in these Covid times, I’d want things to be as individual as possible, rather than family style.
      Our current plan is to meet up with some friends for a walk on the beach / BYO hot chocolate.

      1. I’m a meat eater and fancy macaroni and cheese is still a holiday must! Other sides: buttered rolls; roasted brussels sprouts or another veggie; dressing/stuffing/whatever they call it in your part of the country; any kind of white potato dish (mashed, au gratin, roasted) or candied sweet potatoes.

        Cornish hens are great. Other entree ideas: honey-glazed ham, short ribs, crab-stuffed salmon, the obvious turkey.

      2. I would be so happy to get fancy Mac and cheese as part of any dinner! Plus it is kid friendly (you could make regular Mac and cheese for them)

        1. I use the beautiful mess recipe and fancy it up with add ins and really good cheese. It’s always a hit.My husband would happily eat a tray of it all by himself, and kiddo and I can’t eat it so often gets 3 or 4 meals out of it. I hate to think about the state of his arteries.

        1. Me too. Every time I start to think that maybe rational people exist I get knocked back to reality that no the general public can not be trusted.

        2. I think it might be actually. If there are actually real people who think large indoor dinners with different groups are a great idea this year, then I really have no hope for this country. We will deserve the death and destruction that will result.

          1. So, so many people I know are planning all their holiday travel right now, staying with different families in different states, no plans to quarantine or take precautions of any kind really.

      2. Right? It’s two different planets. Can’t even imagine the thought process that says that’s ok. People then get more pissed about critical pushback on selfish behavior here than they do about the actual “the pandemic is over” crowd.

        1. The pandemic isn’t over just because you’re over it!

          I can’t tell people they can’t see any family at all this holiday season, because that’s unreasonable and possibly even “nasty” (that was the word used to describe me when I tried to discourage Easter gatherings), but you gotta be judicious here, and gather with like, one other household, maybe more if everyone is able to really quarantine. That’s going to be my approach – either my immediate family or my boyfriend’s, not one family one night and the other family the next like we’ve been doing. I’m also brainstorming what to make and how to make these holidays special for just the two of us if we end up staying home. The spread has gotten bad in our region, and I’ve known for a while that these holidays would look very different this year. I’m leaning into the skid with holiday masks, and looking for the right ornament to commemorate this crazy year.

      3. +1. I would be more stressed about not spreading the virus over your menu. Is it possible for you to not host another family this year while the pandemic is raging?

      4. A group of 10 or less is following the guidelines I have consistently seen promoted by public health authorities.

        My extended family typically has a large gathering of about 40 people who come together from different regions of the country. We are CANCELING that single Thanksgiving gathering this year in favor of multiple groups of about 10 or less, all of whom live within a very short drive of each other and are in each other’s “pods.”

        I work in healthcare and this is exactly the sort of shift that we are encouraging people to make.

        1. Only if you are following guidelines from partisan red state officials with no background in medicine or public health. No legitimate body is recommending 10 person dinners right now. If they are, it’s only in a desperate attempt to get you to not do something even worse. It is not time to socialize with anybody outside your household in an indoor setting.

          1. I admit that I am a Democrat in a red Southeastern state (deep blue city, though) but my relatives live in northern states. Below, I’ve googled the first 4 blue states that come to mind and 3 out of 4 are allowing indoor gatherings of up to 10 in at least some counties. The 4th (California) is allowing outdoor gatherings of up to 3 households, which I can assume works out to 10-12 people.

            New York seems to allow gatherings of up to 10 indoors. Here’s the link, feel free to correct me if I’m misunderstanding: https://forward.ny.gov/reopening-what-you-need-know

            Michigan is allowing indoor gatherings of up to 10: https://www.michigan.gov/coronavirus/0,9753,7-406-98178_98455-541962–,00.html

            Washington state is allowing counties in Phase 3 to hold indoor gatherings of up to 10 people: https://www.seattletimes.com/life/which-phase-is-your-county-in-and-what-can-you-do-under-the-modified-phase-1-of-washingtons-reopening/

            California’s rules allow outdoor gatherings of up to 3 households, which could be the OP’s plan if she lives in a mild climate like much of CA. Here’s the link I found: https://www.cdph.ca.gov/Programs/CID/DCDC/Pages/COVID-19/CDPH-Guidance-for-the-Prevention-of-COVID-19-Transmission-for-Gatherings-10-09.aspx

        2. We must be listening to different public health authorities. The ones in my state are begging people not to do this and consistently telling us that spread is being caused by these smaller indoor, maskless social gatherings.

          1. It also depends on conditions in the state. A small gathering of people who all live in Maine and haven’t left state, it might be okay because their positivity rate is very low. If you’re doing this in Wisconsin or South Dakota – very, very bad idea.

        4. Our TG crowd – which is just 8 people in normal times – is instead doing 2 groups of 4. That’s consistent w public health guidelines and best practices. Not all 8.

        5. Did you see the article from El Pais last week showing how COVID is spread indoors? Small family gatherings, especially ones that involve eating and drinking, are one of the key drivers of the pandemic. Everyone lets their guard down with their nearest and dearest, and so these people become the people most likely to infect us. https://english.elpais.com/society/2020-10-28/a-room-a-bar-and-a-class-how-the-coronavirus-is-spread-through-the-air.html
          While I understand that you don’t want to spend the holiday alone, there are still safer ways to do this than adding 4 households together (which is what you are saying below, given that you and your fiance are not a household). For example, here is what I am doing, which is the best I can come up with though still certainly has risk associated. I live with my husband, we are going into a strict quarantine two Sundays before Thanksgiving. The Monday before Thanksgiving (8th day after we begin quarantining) we will get tested. When we have our results back (probably the 10th day) we will drive straight to my older parents and spend the holiday with them and work there for a week. This is not perfect, as we will not have a full 14 days of quarantine before we see them. But they are isolated and lonely where they are, and this is the safest compromise for our family. Once we arrive there we will see no one else, to avoid infecting them.

          What you are proposing here, with two relatively large gatherings back to back poses considerable risk.

          1. This article, especially the graphic elements, is so compelling. It reminded me to take ventilation a lot more seriously.

        1. First of all, hate Donald. Secondly, my comment is in moderation, but I just linked to the policies for Washington, NY, Michigan, and CA, all of which allow gatherings of up to 10 people in many counties (3 households and outdoors only, in the case of CA).

          2. Anon at 1:05, you’re right that I don’t trust the leaders of my red state to give good guidance. I trust Trump’s White House even less. But, honestly, why isn’t it safe to assume that blue states with blue leaders are making guidelines worth following?

            I actually truly respect those of you who are sacrificing your holidays and spending them alone. I certainly think you are going far above and beyond to do the safest thing humanly possible (in regards to Covid) and I admire the dedication. I don’t, however, understand why it is necessary to judge those who are abiding by the guidelines published by blue states across the country. If some people feel compelled to make a more extreme sacrifice than is being asked of them, that’s wonderful. That doesn’t mean others can’t just follow and obey state rules.

          3. Because they have to make guidelines for people like you. If they said what they really wanted to say – which is nothing outside your immediate household – you’d ignore them entirely. 10 people gives them a shot at people following *something*.

          4. Anon at 2:08 PM, I live alone because my fiance and I aren’t living together before marriage for important-to-us personal reasons. We’ll have a 9-person wedding ceremony in a few weeks and then he will move in as my husband. (I had roommates until very recently, but they’ve moved out to start new leases since I’m about to be married.)

            If you think I’d be a better person if I was a martyr who ate a turkey sandwich alone on Thanksgiving, nice. I think it’s fair for me to spend Thanksgiving with my fiance, my divorced parent who lives alone, and my 1 sibling, their spouse, and their child. We have canceled our usual 40-person gathering that involves relatives from many states.

            You really don’t know everyone else’s situation and it seems wrong to be this judgmental. It’s easier to say “celebrate with your household” when you have a spouse, 3 children, a dog, but that’s not everyone’s situation.

            I am just grateful that I am close to being married. I feel SO much empathy for single people living alone and being told they are selfish if they want to see their lonely, aging parents on Thanksgiving.

          5. Hey anon at 2:32, it sucks that you had to cancel your large wedding, but it doesn’t mean that smaller gatherings are OK either. I know that this has been really difficult for you to accept and you have posted several times asking for advice, but please understand that people are asking for these small sacrifices to protect their health and the health of the people they love. As you begin your new married life, you might begin to see the importance of that even more strongly. It’s not okay to have large indoor gatherings with multiple households right now, no matter if it’s less than what you would’ve done.

          6. It seems obvious that they have to say “no more than 10” to avoid people having large gatherings, but they’d really rather say “no one outside your household.”

          7. Anonie, you could do you/fiance/parent and your sibling could just do her household. A version of that is what we are doing to get our 8 people down to two groups of 4. This is just one year. We are already thinking ahead to try to come up with creative ways to do Christmas since it ain’t going to be better by then.

          8. Anon at 2:40, I appreciate your gentle response! Thanks. I actually have basically come to terms with the wedding situation and was truly just discussing Thanksgiving and explaining why it isn’t always so easy to say “only celebrate with your household.” Some of us don’t have a household and celebrating with a significant other, a parent, and a sibling and their significant and child (6 people, total) seems like a meager desire.

            Anyway, I hope you have a lovely holiday!

          9. @LaurenB, thanks also for your thoughtful response. The sibling works in healthcare and gets Covid-tested for work weekly, the spouse is in virtual grad school and leaves the house (masked) only occasionally, and the child is a baby who also almost never leaves the house. We plan to proceed as planned, but I do appreciate your suggestion. I hope your family’s amended holiday plan goes really great!

    3. If it was me, I would do one traditional holiday type meal (meat like baked ham or turkey or pot roast, potato side dish, vegetable side dishes) and one Italian with lasagna, baked ziti or fettuccine alfredo, garlic bread, salad with homemade dressing.

      A few recipes that are my favorites for holiday dinners:
      Hashbrown casserole: https://www.theseasonedmom.com/hash-brown-casserole/
      Candied carrots: https://thenovicechefblog.com/classics-candied-carrots/
      Green bean casserole – off the back of the Frenchs onions package but double the pepper

      Also, I’m afraid you’re going to get flamed re gatherings during COVID and I really wish everyone could just give people the benefit of the doubt that they’re being responsible in their own lives.

      1. Nope, it’s not responsible. We can look to things like evidence and data to determine that and not the strength of one’s desire to have Xmas dinner and pretend the pandemic isn’t happening.

        1. But we don’t have the evidence and data to determine whether it’s responsible or not. We literally have no idea what the OP’s circumstances are, including where she’s located and what is happening pandemic wise there. If she asked “I’m located in a state where our Covid numbers are going up; what should we have for our Christmas gathering dinner?” we would have the evidence and data to suggest that it isn’t responsible. The original post does not include that information, therefore anyone saying that it’s not responsible is just making a blanket statement based on where they’re located.

          FWIW, my family gatherings have already have been cancelled/postponed to summer 2021 where we can be outside/safer/hopefully is safer. But I can be confident that my family is making the most responsible choices for me, and that others can also make responsible choices for them which may include gatherings. Choices are not a one size fit all.

          1. There is nowhere in the country where this is safe. It’s time to be warriors and not victims and to fight this thing

          4. I’m in the Atlantic Canada bubble where we have almost zero cases. No one here is doing multiple family and friends dinners. We will see grandparents because they currently see my kids three days a week, that’s it. I haven’t seen my first cousins or aunt who lives in the same city in close to a year. We cancelled our big summer family BBQ.

          5. I think you’re missing that it’s not like earlier in 2020 where there were hotspots and not-hotspots. This is so widespread everything this a hotspot. Mayor Lightfoot in Chicago explicitly issued guidance to city residents not to have anyone over their houses unless it is critical (such as home healthcare workers). How much clearer could it be?

      2. Those sound yummy!! Tons of people will be celebrating the holidays with their families and as long as everyone takes precautions, I think it is fine.

        1. Note that there are no precautions that can make it “fine” for an indoor, maskless gathering that combines households, even under 10 people. Maybe a negative PCR test + actual quarantine (not leaving the house/interacting with others) for two weeks prior.

          Those “safe” family gatherings where you “trust” everyone to have “done the right thing” are going to cause a lot of illness and death. The virus doesn’t care, and even people who have “done the right thing” have gotten it (I’d bet people’s perceptions of their own safe habits are probably far more generous than reality). It sucks, but we all gotta stick with our households or pre-established bubbles.

          1. Yes, unless people are quarantining for two weeks beforehand, the precautions aren’t adequate.

        2. LOLOL at everyone with the willful ignorance to think they are “taking precautions” when all they really care about is that they get to do whatever they want. You know what the right precautions are? Not having family gatherings. That’s it.

          1. People who are just acting within local guidelines, with no real regard to what’s actually safe or responsible, really scare me as we go into the holidays.

            And it also really stinks, for those of us who are sacrificing our holiday gatherings to keep others safe, seeing others do whatever they want and claim it’s okay because it’s technically within the guidelines. And people wonder why California issues such strict, stifling guidelines, it’s because of people like this, who literally won’t stray from tradition unless they’re seemingly forced to.

    4. Assuming you’re aware this is a terrible idea in the times of COVID…
      Roast rack of lamb with an herb crust, prime rib, beef wellington, or a sprial ham. Roasted veggies like carrots, parsnips, brussels sprouts; I particularly like to add some pomegranate seeds on top. Gratin potatoes. Salad with apples and candied walnuts. If you’re feeling ambitious, bake your own dinner rolls such as parker house rolls.

    6. In the immortal words of Taylor Alison Swift, this is why we can’t have nice things. Stop having social gatherings!!!

      1. Yep! Cancel it, OP. You might be forced to by your state guidelines anyway once the bodies start piling up in the mobile morgues again. Wouldn’t you rather take the responsible action now when there is still ample time for every guest to make a different safe plan?

    8. My boyfriend’s family does a Christmas Eve gathering that’s more of a “grab what you want and eat it in the living room” type meal – we’ve had slow cooker meatballs and pasta, mac and cheese, chili, basically cold weather comfort foods that people can graze on throughout the evening.

      But really, without knowing your region and what the specific guidelines or current COVID stats, this seems really reckless to me. Yes, you can have 10 people at one time, but 10 people one night and a different set of people the other night, seems like a lot right now. Consider rolling it back this year.

    9. It’s so crazy to me that people hear “indoor gatherings between family are driving spread” and “you should only socialize with your own household” and “stay home to protect others and hear “do what you wanted to do all along!” There are memes for that.

    10. Yeah, this isn’t the Christmas to serve a meal outside of your household. We’re currently figuring out the parameters of our family gathering, but it won’t involve eating a meal together because it’s not safe to be together with masks off. Unless, of course, you are somewhere that will be warm enough for a spread out, outdoors meal in December, in which case I am very jealous. I am debating the idea of making cinnamon rolls (our family tradition) wrapped in foil to stay warm for people to eat outside around the fire pit, but I’m not even sure that’s going to be a good idea. We all need to plan our gatherings based on the assumption that at least one person will be carrying covid.

  15. Someone recently posted about a bath & body works candle they liked – I think it was “sweater weather?” I haven’t bought anything from b&bw in at least 20 years, so I was curious. Any other candles from there that people like? I like wintery/woodsy scents (as opposed to floral/vanilla), but I’m worried that the scents will be crazy overpowering.

    1. I find their scents a bit much, but given our pandemic budget, bought some to test. So far Flannel and the champagne scents are the winners for us.

    2. I adore their Winter scent. I like Vanilla, but dislike floral, and love woodsy scents. Winter is orange, fir, and clove, and it’s clean-smelling but also wintery.

    3. Without a doubt, my favorite fall candle is Yankee Candle’s Tonka Bean and Pumpkin. I burn it nonstop beginning Sep 1. It’s so popular it’s sold out at my local YC store and on their website, but Amazon has some. (I have no idea what a tonka bean is, but the candle has a beautiful rich, creamy fragrance without a hint of the sugary sweetness you get with dessert scents.)

      1. I think tonka beans are like a weird cousin of vanilla beans? Somebody used them on Bake Off once and I think that was the description.

        1. Ah, that makes…scents! (Sorry, had to.) (And I realize I could have googled, but thanks! :) )

          1. Haha, no problem either way! I love puns and I can’t resist my know-it-all side. I am DELIGHTED to be the friendlier alternative to Google.

        2. I’m pretty sure they’re also illegal in the US to sell to eat, I guess they are somewhat toxic if you eat too much.

    4. Another vote for Flannel. I also just burned Cider Lane and really like it, very warm.

    5. Leaves is a nice fall/winter scent. I also like Champagne Sparkle (or something along those lines).

    6. So fun fact: I worked at B&BW last year, around the holidays, because I was between corporate gigs. I smelled all the candles! My favorites were Holiday (very cinnamon-y), Winter, Fresh Sparkling Snow, ‘Tis the Season, and Champagne Toast. I also know that Mahogany Balsam was really popular, even though it wasn’t my favorite. I would also recommend Crisp Morning Air and Cranberry Woods, they’re more “fall” fragrances but I think they work well throughout the cold weather season.

    7. I grew up next to a forest, so I am a huge fan of Fresh Balsam. I also like Crisp Morning Air, Mahogany Teak, Hot Chocolate (this may not be the correct name) and the ones which smell like Linen.

  16. Any thoughts of chimineas, electric heaters, or gas heaters? I’d like some friends to be able to join us in the garden for a chat/festive snack this winter or spend time outside while my toddler played (he doesn’t feel the cold but I do) and thought some sort of heater might this make viable. I wouldn’t expect it to keep us fully toasty, but enough to make 45-60 minutes outdoors palatable.

    1. I vote a chiminea that is open all around – it gives good even heat that will make you comfy with a sweater and mug of hot chocolate, great ambient light, can be aesthetically pleasing when not in use (or a cool flower pot over the summer), and can easily be shoved in a corner using only one or two square feet of space.

    2. Chiminea – gives same or more heat advantage without the need for plug or keeping gas tank, can be very pretty, and put away when not in use.

    3. At first I read “chimeras” and I was like ooh Cb has some interesting thoughts today. But to answer your question: gas heaters keep me quite toasty from a distance of 3 feet. Chimineas are really just aesthetic IME: the heat all escapes out the top. We do not live in Scotland, but we live somewhere damp, so when it’s cold, it’s bone-chilling.

      1. I did have to google it as we saw some at the garden centre but I couldn’t remember what they were called. Gas heaters appear in short supply but hoping we might find one somewhere.

    4. I had this thought a couple of weeks ago and almost everything was sold out except some propane heaters, and I don’t like the smell of propane. You might have better luck if there are local pottery imports near you that can provide a chiminea.

    5. If you’re with your toddler, I’d want something that the toddler couldn’t burn themselves on. To me that would be a tall gas heater.

    6. Outdoor fireplaces and chimineas are very popular where I live. We have heard more than a couple of stories about the clay/pottery chimineas exploding, the ones that are sold pretty cheaply at garden centers. Metal ones, it doesn’t seem to be as much of a problem.

      We got an outdoor gas fire pit (it runs off a propane tank) and we love it. I recommend them because:
      – When you want a fire, you press in the knob and turn it and presto, there’s a fire. You don’t have to chop (or buy) wood. You don’t have to fuss with getting the fire started and going fully.
      – No smoke and no ash. Everyone we know with a wood fire bowl/fire pit likes the “campfire” type of experience but then there’s also the fact that your clothes smell like smoke afterwards, and ash/embers fly around your yard. We’ve been in and out of drought for many years and will continue to move in and out of drought for many years to come; the idea of open fires with floating embers makes me nervous.
      – When we’re done with our gas fire we just turn it off and let it cool and put the lid back on and it’s ready for next time. We have a gauge on the propane hose and we go switch the tank out at our local Walgreen’s when the propane gets low. It’s absolutely no maintenance and very little fuss.
      Cons: The propane fire doesn’t get as big as a wood fire and isn’t as “ambient” but I think being able to use the fire pit on demand, whenever we want more than makes up for it. You can still roast marshmallows and sing songs around the propane fire pit.
      We’ve used the fire pit A LOT this year and I think it was one of the best $350 purchases we’ve ever made.

    7. I love my propane gas outdoor fire pit. I had a wood burning one before and someone was always in the eye-stinging, cough inducing path of wood smoke. Propane is much cleaner and just as warm and, in my opinion, prettier. My kids love to put marshmallows on skewers and toast them over the flame. (We finally bought some long marshmallow-specific skewers for this)

  17. Can anyone recommend a good winter puffer coat? I’m in the very cold/snowy Midwest but somehow have gotten away with wool coats because I thought puffers would make me look like a giant marshmallow. I have a car commute but anticipate being outside much more this winter now that I have a toddler and dog. So I think it’s time to invest in a knee length puffer coat. I’m cusp size, 36G with extra weight in my stomach area from a recent baby. Budget of $300ish. Thanks!

    1. I had a similar thought a few weeks ago and bought the Uniqlo ultra light long puffer after years of resisting. I should have done it ages ago, it’s so light and keeps me much warmer at the playpark.

    3. I was given a Land’s End puffer in 2005 and I just retired it this year. They have styles now that are much more flattering than what I had, and it looks like outerwear is 60% off today.

      2. Echo Land’s End. I think the one I have is a squall. Sizing is a bit tricky. Perfect size for me is usually 16/18 petite. The XL petite is just a smidge tight with the liner, but the 1X petite is a smidge too big.

    4. The gear stores like Mountain Hardware have city appropriate puffers that won’t be too bulky. Or you can layer a thin down layer with an existing coat.

    5. I just bought a sale color of Moosejaw Women’s Woodward Longer Down Jacket. Great price. It comes on Friday. So I can let you know after that. If it is nice, it was a great deal!

      1. As a curvy woman with the same cup size as OP, I recently went into a store to try on Patagonia coats because I wanted one, and they are definitely not meant for women with curves. They were so tight over the hips and bust even when I sized up.

      2. While I can’t speak to sizing as I’m on the other end of the spectrum, I’ve had this coat for 3 years now and it looks and feels like brand new, after being worn every day in the winter. I get cold easily and it keeps me warm.

    7. I’m about the same size and am eying the new puffer coats at Universal Standard. Their other clothes fit me well and they are fantastic at clothes in general for cusp and plus sizes, so I’d definitely consider that.

    9. Aritzia Super Puff! I recommended it last week so this may look familiar, but IMO it is Canada Goose quality and warmth for Eddie Bauer price.

    10. Look on Nordstrom. Mine is a few years old but it is Marc New York Andrew brand. I have worn it in Boston in weather down to zero degrees and people always ask me where I got it. Mine has both a zipper on the inner part and snaps on the outer part, and a fur trimmed hood.

    11. If it’s very cold and snowy, I recommend Eddie Bauer’s Sun Valley Down parka. They have a few iterations, many come in tall and petite and regular. It was the coat I wore to death when I lived in Boston…through blizzards, walking my dog in snowstorms, walking to work in crazy-windy weather. It’s really warm. And water and wind-proof. Some of the Land’s End coats are not terribly windproof and this really makes a difference when it’s freezing.

    12. As somebody also very busty – the marshmallw effect, or as I think of it instant michelin man – comes from the FITTED puffer coats, especially the ones with thinner panels. It gets too exaggurated when you already have the curves on the inside.

      I have a lot more luck with more boxy or straight shapes for puffers, with larger panels. Much more elegant, much more comfortable.

  18. I am trying to think of gift ideas for my godmother, who is single, mid 40s and lives alone. She is a homebody but doesn’t like to cook. She can afford to buy anything she wants and is always so thoughtful and generous. I was thinking maybe a new blanket – does anyone know of a really nice, luxurious one? I did check out the gift posts last week – I thought the star projector looked neat but didn’t know if that would be a good gift? Any other ideas? Thanks in advance!

    1. Upscale candle – Something from Diptyque or Nest or Jo Malone? I love Restoration Hardware’s faux-fur throws (though you can find something similar at many price points). Those two would make a lovely cozy gift.

      1. +1 – I’m in the same demographic as your godmother and love both of those, with a candle preference because I love fancy candles and am burning them all the time these days

        1. I just discovered Source Adage – everything smells SO GOOD. They are also packaged very well and look very chic. On the downside, they are local to Hudson, NY and don’t have any other stores, but if anyone wanted to try something new (apart from the go-tos listed above) I highly recommend their online store!

    3. I bought my mother an Ugg Duffield throw II last year when she had surgery and she really likes it a lot. You could do a Voluspa candle (or any high end candle). Hardcover books. A nice, large ceramic mug. A luxurious scarf.

  19. Help a southern gal out: what are your best Italian recipes? Lasagna, manicotti, ziti, whatever – hit me with it :)

    1. Baked Chicken Rigatoni is a go to for a crowd…..make a tomato sauce with green and red sweet peppers, onions/garlic/herbs and chicken (cut pieces of boneless breast or boneless thighs), make a beschamel sauce, cook rigatoni a few minutes short of al dente, layer sauce, rigatoni, sauce, bechamel, grated mozzarella and romano, rigatoni, sauce, bechamel, cheeses, etc. This is my recipe and I get lots of compliments on this dish

      1. Bake at 375 or 400 covered with foil for about 40 minutes, then take foil off and let the top get brown

    2. (I am not Italian) Ina Garten’s pasta alla vecchia bettola (AKA vodka sauce). End of list.

      Okay, maybe not. Samin Nosrat’s Big Lasagna recipe she posted back at the start of the pandemic is also awesome (I actually make the tomato sauce recipe from it all the time on its own). So is Anne Burrell’s bolognese. On the healthier side, I love Marcella Hazan’s minestrone.

    3. What is better than baked pasta? Nothing.

      Ina garten has a turkey sausage and goat cheese lasagna that never disappoints and is not at all difficult. If you want a project, Bon appetit has a really nice lasagna Bolognese. (I don’t make may own noodles but it’s still a lot of work.) For a weeknight, I am not above the simple recipe on the back of the Barilla lasagna box.

      I don’t love ricotta in my ziti. I just brown the meat (ground or sausage) and combine with pasta red sauce and shredded motz and a little parm and bake till bubbly. Real simple had a good recipe for baked pasta with sausage and Brussels sprouts this month that I tried but would probably make with a roux next time-like a good macaroni and cheese.

      1. This turkey sausage and goat cheese lasagna is insanely good if you like goat cheese. I LOVE IT.

    4. A tip. I have switched from canned whole tomatoes to bottled tomato passata for making basic tomato sauces and it has made a world of difference. Passata is generally uncooked and has much fresher tomato flavor. It’s easily available at both major grocery stores I use (Safeway and Whole Foods) as well as amazon. It’s around the same price as good canned tomatoes.

      For my basic sauce I usually start with a good amount of olive oil in a pot large enough to hold the sauce and cooked pasta. When the oil is warm, I add minced garlic and red pepper flakes, and maybe a whole sprig of oregano from my garden or aero garden. When the garlic is fragrant but not browned, I add the bottle of tomato passata. I add about a teaspoon of salt and then continue to taste for salt as the sauce simmers.

      Meanwhile I cook a pound of pasta – usually spaghetti or rigatoni- in abundantly salted water. When the pasta is just about done, maybe a minute underdone, I use a spider or slotted spoon to transfer the wet pasta directly into the sauce pot, no colander required. I cook the pasta in the sauce, maybe adding a little of the pasta cooking water, until the pasta is done and the sauce is soaked into or clinging to the pasta, unusually without a big pool of sauce left in the bottom of the pot.

      Fish out the sprig of oregano. Serve with fresh basil I have some and a grated cheese of choice – I like reggiano Parmesan or pecorino.

      Another great sauce is Marcella Hazan’s sauce with butter and a halved onion.

      If you want to see Italian Americans from New Jersey lose their minds, tell them you’re cooking a tomato sauce with butter! “It’s not Italian! Use olive oil!”
      But butter is very much northern Italian, the dairy country.

  20. A few months ago, I did a painting class over Zoom as a team building event and it was super fun. Any suggestions for painting kits for a complete novice? I don’t necessarily just want a paint my numbers kit. Need some new indoor hobbies as we go into winter.

  21. LSome excerpts from Birx’s memo (published in the Washington Post) that we should all read as we go into the holiday season:

    Birx’s message “has been urgent for weeks,” said another administration official, “as has the plea for the administration to ask the American people to use masks, avoid gatherings and socially distance, basically since it became apparent that we were heading into a third surge.”

    The report hits hard on the worsening situation: “Cases are rapidly rising in nearly 30 percent of all USA counties, the highest number of county hotspots we have seen with this pandemic,” it said. “Half of the United States is in the red or orange zone for cases despite flat or declining testing.”

    Sounding a similar theme to past reports, it calls for “much more aggressive action from messaging, to testing, to surging personnel around the country before the crisis point.”

    What is “essential at this time point,” the report said, is “consistent messaging about uniform use of masks, physical distancing and hand washing with profound limitation on indoor gatherings especially with family and friends.”…

    An earlier, Oct. 17 report sounded the same theme: It cited increasing daily hospital admissions, rising fatalities and emergency room visits, and bluntly stated, “this is not due to increased testing but broad and ever-increasing community spread.”

    That report added these words highlighted in bold: “There is an absolute necessity of the Administration to use this moment to ask the American people to wear masks, physical distance and avoid gatherings in both public and private spaces.”

  22. Had a doctor appointment yesterday and my doctor said he thinks one of my medications is essentially putting me into fight or flight mode constantly, including overnight, which is exacerbating my existing mental health symptoms and causing the physical symptoms of that sort of nervous system activation. I wake up short of breath and with a tight chest daily. We have ruled out every possible physical issue. Cannot go off of the medication, cannot change the dose- absolute no, it’s literally a life or death medication. So, we have to figure out how to work around it. We increased my antidepressant dose, but he wants to stay away from adding a classic anti anxiety med or additional meds, which I agree with. He recommended mindful breathing exercises, or meditation, or yoga- absolutely nothing that involves my brain or body having to exert itself more than the bare minimum. I’m going to experiment with options during the daytime to find something that works.

    However, does anyone have any ideas for something I can do right before bed that will, for lack of a better word, tell my body to calm the f down overnight? Specific ideas preferred- apps, yoga styles, specific programs/types of stuff on headspace or down dog, etc.

    TIA!

    1. I have a Dodow and it marks the different between awake and sleep for me. It is a light/breathing sequence and works really well for me. Might be something to look into.

        1. Hope it helps. It changed my life. I get super deep sleep with it and I can take when I travel (or used to travel) given how small it is. Keep us posted and take care of yourself!

    2. Not sure if this would help in your situation, but I find that significantly cutting back on sugar and caffeine reduces my overall anxiety.

      1. Could definitely do better at this. Going to try to switch to decaf coffee all day, see how that goes.

        1. i’d add aspartame to this list too – it is a huge anxiety trigger for me.

          OP, some of the sleep podcasts – SLeep with Me is my fave – might help? they’re free and it’s a no-stakes risk.

    3. Oof, I’m sorry. That sounds really hard. I have awful insomnia and, and here is my routine:
      -No screens whatsoever starting two hours before bed (this is hard and I don’t always do it, but I definitely sleep better when I do)
      -I like doing a series of slow, quiet yoga poses and stretches for a few minutes. No apps or anything because of my no screens rule, just whatever I feel like doing
      -A warm toned clamp on reading light with very low light so I can read before bed (my lamp is too bright even on the lowest setting)
      -I only read comforting books before bed (either ones I’ve read before or books about light topics). No dystopias, thrillers, or nonfiction about climate change, plz
      -Herbal tea. I don’t think it does sh!t to make me feel sleepy, but it’s a nice ritual
      -White noise from our air purifier. On Sundays, I put a bit of lavender essential oil in an oil warmer and the scent lingers for a few days.
      -Husband and I sleep separately any time I’m having a bad night (with absolutely no judgement or guilt from him)

      1. oh, and we keep all devices out of our bedroom, and our alarm clocks are analog and don’t emit light so I can’t compulsively check the time in the dark.

        1. I hear your on the light-emitting clock. I bought a roll of black electrical tape and have blacked out the tiny lights on every phone, power strip, monitor, etc. in my bedroom, and this has helped my sleep a lot.

      2. Thanks! I do a lot of this already but could definitely be better about the screens, and am going to try yoga. I bought some warm string lights years ago that hang behind my bed and are the perfect amount of brightness.

        Am also a big fan of light books at bed. Reading One To Watch right now, which I LOVE.

    4. A non-breath intervention is to put all of my screens on automatic night mode earlier in the evening.

      1. I’ve tried to do a lot of the sleep hygiene stuff since I was diagnosed with sleep apnea, and controlling screens before bed has been really helpful!!!

    6. I had a similar issue with meds I took for a few months – similar deal, life or death situation so I had to power through. Here’s what I did based on therapist recommendations:
      1. Do not go to bed until I am tired
      2. Wake up at same time every day
      3. No caffeine
      4. Cardio exercise every morning to tired my body out a bit
      5. Established a bed time routine (10 minutes of yoga on DownDog app, focused on stretching whatever felt tight that day; brush teeth, do skincare routine, take a bath by candlelight for 20 minutes while reading a physical book in the bath, put pajamas on; right to bed)
      5. No screens in the bedroom at all

      I tried meditating and I just could not deal with it. I do not find it relaxing. I also tried listening to a variety of sleep stories on the Headspace app but didn’t love that. If you think you might like a sleepstory type thing on Headspace, they have a lot of books from your youth (I listened to Anne of Green Gables as an example).

      Good luck!

      1. A warm shower or bath with lavender salt scrub or lavender-scented things. I have a heated pillow that I love for sore/stiff muscles and find very relaxing. Those two things always help me.

      2. Thanks! Also not a fan of the meditating I’ve tried before (including Headspace, which I supposed to be less woo), but yoga seems OK- less annoying to me.

    7. My mental health had deteriorated to such a place that I was constantly in a fight-or-flight mode and could not function. Lots of things have helped meditation (I like faith-based apps like Soulspace and Abide), yoga, cutting out sugar entirely, talk therapy, etc. BUT the biggest helpers have been: (1) Going to the chiropractor (I know it sounds ju-ju/pseudo science like, but I was desperate and it worked) and (2) tracking what is helping by wearing a Whoop band. Whoop is a subscription service that works sort of like a FitBit, but doesn’t care about calories and steps, it’s entirely based on rest and recovery and tracks your sleep incredibly accurately.

      It’s been absolutely worth it and a literal life saver. Wishing you rest!

      1. Thank you! I have the Fitbit but I’ve tried to reduce how much I look at the app because I found myself in a spiral the last few months of looking at the stats and getting anxious. This was when we were trying to figure out if there was anything physical.

    8. Ugh, this is terrible. Peloton has a ton of meditations, you might find one that you really like.

    9. Could you safely have acupuncture? My local acupuncture studio is doing home visits for people that feel it is unsafe to go to the physical location. Community acupuncture, if there is one near you, is much cheaper than private. It is a large room with multiple people getting acupuncture at once, all spread out. Think like a blood donation site. Lights are dim, everyone is very quiet.

      I went for acupuncture for fertility reasons (that did not work) but I always left feeling very calm and relaxed which is the exact opposite of my usual self.

      1. I feel like this would stress me out. I don’t like people touching me (I don’t even like getting my hair cut), so the thought of acupuncture makes me tense just thinking about it. Also, pretty sure my doctor would not be a fan of that, they’re asking for us to be extraordinarily cautious right now.

        1. I totally understand if it is not for you or not safe for you. I just want to clarify that unlike acupressure, acupuncture has someone hardly touching you at all. I think they pop the little needles in in under a minute! Takes the same amount of time to remove. You stay clothed and they focus on the arms, legs, head, face and neck.

    10. I find Yoga With Adrienne very soothing, and she has hundreds of videos available on YT that you can search, as well as playlists specifically for anxiety/stress or for bedtime. Maybe give her a try?

      1. PS: I am sorry to hear about your health struggles. Hopefully your doctors can resolve them soon! Sending good vibes.

      2. This. She is my exception to the rule that I hate online yoga/yoga videos.

        She definitely has good before bed videos.

      3. Thanks! I’ll look her up- I’ve looked at her stuff before but not in any great detail.

      4. Yes – she has a specific Yoga for Mindfulness and Yoga for Stress Relief, I have enjoyed both of these (though there is a bit more talking than I would like). There’s also Yoga for Back Pain etc. She also has a variety of lengths so you can pick whatever you feel like on that day (eg too tired to do more than 15-20 mins? There’s a Yoga with Adrienne for that).

    11. You may want to research the symptoms of PTSD associated with medical trauma. I didn’t know it was a recognized thing until recently and it helped explain why I was suddenly so reactive to triggers after spending a few years in a cycle of surgical procedures. If that makes sense to you, you might consider a therapist who specializes in PTSD.

      1. Yeah, this is also a problem. We’ve been aware of it and treating me for it for many years after a year of some really scary health stuff and a really traumatizing hospitalization. So that’s also probably being activated by this whole thing.

      2. Oh yes. This is a thing I was not at all prepare for. I had a traumatic experience when they were removing the speculum after my IVF. I don’t know what happened but it was excruciatingly painful and I screamed. For anyone planning on IVF please know this is not normal and they assured me it had never happened before and they don’t know what exactly did happen. It sounds like they may not have fully unclamped it. Anyway, next time I had to go in for a pelvic exam I started sobbing right beforehand and was so embarrassed because I was struggling to figure out why. Then I put two and two together.

    12. Some ideas:

      1) Optimize your sleeping space: black our curtains, make the room cold, and heavy comforter.

      2) Add specific sense triggers for sleep: some sort of scent/essential oil that you like but ONLY use right before bed. I have a roll on from Everyone for Everybody I like. Add a sleep mask. I’ve used one for 2 decades and the slip mask is, expensive, but AMAZING. Finally, if your mind runs as you lay down to sleep, and you find meditating doesn’t work, listen to an old favorite book that you know by heart on audio book. Listen to the same book, every night.

      3) Get some sunlight in the morning and try a sun therapy lamp, like for SAD.

      Feel better!

      1. Thank you! I have one of the lavender pillows I warm up that I like at night.

        1. Are you allowed to use melatonin? I find a melatonin gummy helps on the nights I can’t get my body to calm down.

    13. Perhaps a yoga nidra guided meditation? It’s supposed to induce a deep state of relaxation.

  23. Weighted blanket helps me tremendously! Plus romance novels. This week I’m binging the Billionaire books by Annika Martin.

  24. Any recommendations for a derm or plastic surgeon for first time Botox? Early 30’s, based on suggestions here, I think I will avoid medspas.

    2. Find a board certified plastic surgeon with lots of good reviews and call them for pricing. I found that the one I went to was similarly priced to medspas, and obviously the results were better and I felt safer. I went to Corey Maas if you happen to be in San Francisco. When I moved to the East Bay, I used Katie Rodan, who is a (well known) dermatologist practicing in Oakland.

      My info is about 3-5 years old as I’ve stopped using it, mainly for cost reasons, and because I’m 55 and leaning into the aging.

    3. I’m also early 30s, had planned to get Botox for the first time in Feb, then Covid happened. In September I yelped Botox and went with the dermatologist in my area that had the most glowing reviews. I ended up choosing Dysport over Botox (price) and have been happy with the results so far.

    4. Start with your eye doctor. They referred me to the person I just started using. He used to come into the optometrists office but now he’s only seeing patients at his location, which is actually a medspa! He’s a practicing, certified plastic surgeon who has a relationship with the hospital around the corner, which is where he does surgeries. Not sure how common this arrangement is.

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