ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 314 Comments

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Relaxed Single-Breasted Blazer

A woman wearing black pants, a black top, and a reddish-pink blazer

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This wool herringbone blazer from Ted Baker has the potential to be the best item in your closet this fall. (H/t to Kat for this one!) The slightly relaxed fit makes it perfect for layering over slim-fitting sweaters and turtlenecks, but it could also double as an outerwear piece for the days when it’s a little chilly in the morning and evening, but blazing hot during the day.

Pair it with black, brown, navy, camel, or a lighter pink — it goes with just about anything.

The blazer is $425 and comes in Ted Baker sizes 0-5 (equivalent to U.S. sizes 0-12).

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

314 Comments

  1. Talk me into or out of pursuing a major pay cut and life change. I work in the financial crime space of banking after majoring in criminology. I’ve been doing this for 8 years. I’ve done very well for myself, but I don’t feel fulfilled. I’ve been itching to do something different that is more meaningful and fulfilling. My city’s police department posted a role in victim advocacy. It really interests me…the person in this role would be helping victims understand their options with counseling, providing victim & witness support, escorting victims & witnesses to court, etc. I have always wanted to work with victims ever since I was in college, my desk job career just kind of took over. But this would be a major pay cut. I currently make $140,000. The victim advocacy role is posted for $60,000. I live alone in an apartment where rent is $2,200 (and I literally just moved). Am I crazy to be considering this?

    1. I think it’s crazy from a financial standpoint, but you might have savings or the ability to downsize, or other backup plans. Can you do volunteer work with victims in addition to your current job? Also, consider whether your unfulfilled feelings might be due to other dissatisfactions in your life. Most of us wouldn’t be working in our current roles were it not for the financial rewards, but I admire your interest in helping victims so I don’t want to dissuade you in the event this is really your passion and you can handle the money part.

      1. That’s a good thought. I have connections within the department and I can look into volunteering first.

        1. I came here to suggest volunteering!

          I am a criminal lawyer and while victim services work is very important, it is also very hard and vicarious trauma and compassion fatigue and burnout are so, so real. Volunteering will give you a chance to see if it’s something you want to commit to further.

      2. I agree with the OP. Money is not everything, but if you are looking for fulfillment by dealing with Victims, try out something PRO BONO before clipping $80K a year from your salary. You may find that you will not like it and will resent it more when your takehome is a pittance of what it was, and the cleints are not at all appreciative of you, thinking you are really just a part of “the man” (meaning the po-leece). I saw some situations where pretty tho unfulled lawyers from my class thought they’d make a difference by working in criminal defense only to be dissed by criminals who were not interesting in righting their ways. Gina, my first year study buddy was even pawed by one inmate who thought she was somehow interested in him romantically because she was nice to him, but she was only just doing her job in a professional manner, and had a boyfreind already. She had to be reassigned away from his prison after that episode and as far as she knows, nothing happened to that scummy doosh.

        So I say don’t drop the megabucks you are now making; most people in the public sector make less then you, and if you want fulfillment, try something out pro bono at an intake center where you can be of real help. Also, you’re probably not married, or your husband would have talked you out of such silliness already, but if not, I would recomending connecting with a man who can hopfully channel your desire to help people in need elsewhere. Good luck to you!

    2. Have you read Designing Your Life? It’s recommended a lot here for people looking to make big changes. It has a good chapter on how to test out major shifts before jumping in with both feet. Maybe there’s a way to validate this is what you want while staying in your current job and building more savings for a bit?

    3. As someone who has bounced from local government to private sector, I will post a longer comment later this morning when I have more time to write one.

    5. Does the government job come with a pension or any other benefits that outweigh the lower salary?

    6. Things to consider as relevant: not just current expenses but will future lifestyle choices be viable on your salary in the future? Think: kids, house, car, retirement savings. In my (otherwise very progressive circles) some women take lower paying jobs early in their careers unconsciously assuming their future spouse will make considerably more money, and that can lead to a rough awakening later on when they don’t meet someone or they meet the perfect guy but their life looks different than imagined financially.

      1. Yes I’m the higher earning spouse in this situation- DH took like a 70% pay cut last year and now I unexpectedly want to leave my job and take another one that would also entail a fairly large pay cut. we were both super high earning, but still- those assumptions are big ones and important to build flexibility into the plan here.

    7. I’m in a field with a similar range. It’s frustrating because you want to the victim advocacy type roles but they are so underpaid. I would encourage to keep looking and find something that is a compromise, both in work and pay. And since you currently have a good job you can do so leisurely. A nonprofit supporting victims may pay more, for example. (Idk anything about this specific field – just saying look diagonally as well).

      It’s rough, but I assume that many of the people in those roles have family supporting them. Or lots of savings from a previous big law career. Or at the very least, a lot lower rent!

    8. Before you consider this, I would do some volunteer work in this sphere. 1) that may be enough to provide you some fulfillment 2) you can get a sense of whether you’d really want to do this for a career. While valuable, this is really draining work that doesn’t have a lot of upward mobility. What would be your plan for after you have this 60k role? I honestly think you could accomplish more by staying in your current role and volunteering and/or getting on the board of some victims’ rights organizations.

      1. +1, came here to say this. Before you blow up your life/career, volunteer in the space.
        But also, in the meantime, go ahead and apply. You may not even be selected, and then you won’t waste time and energy down the road wondering “what if?” or telling yourself a story about how you passed up a golden opportunity when in reality no opportunity existed. Just because you apply and even if you get the offer doesn’t mean you have to accept it, and you may learn something in the course of applying that makes your decision easier.

      2. Yes strongly agree with this. That work is amazing but volunteering monthly with a rape crisis center or domestic violence organization may be fulfilling while still allowing you to maintain your lifestyle. It is very hard to do a job that emotionally draining while also not having the financial resources to pay for the self care and creature comforts that make it sustainable as is possible; when I was in that field after college a lot of my career colleagues had very high earning spouses. If you want to post your city folks likely will have ideas for volunteer options.

    9. Yes you’re crazy. Also that job won’t be good. You’re working for the cops at the end of the day. You won’t have the resources you need. Victims won’t get the resolution they need. You’ll burn out and not make the impact you want and be too poor for a reasonable lifestyle. Honestly I’d explore therapy first because you won’t be able to afford it if you take this job to see why your first impulse is blowing your life up instead of job hunting for a normal job.

      1. I knew there would be a comment like this! OP, I have worked closely with victim advocates and the impact they can have is incredible. They truly make a difference for people who are often going through the worst time of their lives. It is very difficult work emotionally though. But yes it’s a “normal” job and a very valuable one at that. I agree with others that the pay cut will be difficult and I recently left a job paying $60k because it was not sustainable for me and my family financially.

          1. 60k is underpaid for such important work but it sure as h3ll isn’t poverty wages. Get a grip.

          2. Depending on where OP lives, a $60k role is not poverty wages. (Although she certainly should not be/possibly literally cannot be paying $2,200 in rent on that salary.)

            Signed,

            I Work In Education

          3. +1 to emeralds. The median salary in the US is less than $60k. But most Americans aren’t paying $2,200 in rent either. She needs a lifestyle adjustment or a move to a lower cost of living area if she wants to live on this salary, but it’s certainly possible.

        2. She would be going from a well paying, upwardly mobile job to one wherein she’s spending 44% of her pre-tax income on housing with no clear career path. That is a bad idea. Living on a tight budget is mentally and physically draining.

          1. +1 there’s no upward career path in most of these helping professions. My only raise came by transitioning to a managing attorney in legal aid. There are staff attorneys who have been in that role for decades because they don’t want to run an office, and there’s nowhere else to go for career progression. Same thing working at nonprofits. If you’re a program manager or director, that’s it.

    10. Don’t harm your own life this way. Volunteer for victim advocacy in your free time but keep a decent paycheck. You cannot live on 60k/yr., let alone retire or have any meaningful cushion. Unless I missed that you inherited millions don’t do this.

      1. I loved working in local government, but had to leave because I couldn’t afford life on my 62k salary (with a Master’s! Managing a team and running an entire program!) in a MCOL/HCOL area. It’s such a shame, so many good people are being driven out of local government due to abysmal pay and meh benefits. Now 1/5 jobs in my city’s local government are vacant and they’re spending a lot of resources to encourage people to apply. I want to shake them and be like it’s all because of the pay!!! You don’t need job fairs, you need livable wages!!

      2. I agree 1000% with “don’t harm your own life this way.” Doing this almost seems like a form of self-punishment, or like OP has some kind of vision of a Noble Life Driven by Ideals where the real world – in the form of rent hikes, unexpected expenses and unexpected illnesses – never intrudes. I love people having high-minded ideals and wanting to seek fulfillment from their lives. But it takes money to live in the world, and we cannot count on anything or anybody to take care of us when the chips are down; we can only ever rely on ourselves. To me that means I am going to go for making as much money as I can and putting money in the bank so when I get sick, or get old, there’s money there for me. Money is not evil; it’s just a tool. Jobs don’t have to be a person’s only source of fulfillment or meaning. I understand people seeking “fulfillment” but there are tons of ways to live a fulfilling life AND have a lucrative job – it’s not a binary, either/or choice.

        I strongly agree with the advice that OP could do this work on a volunteer basis. I have had friends who have done victim advocacy or worked for CASA as volunteers. Most burned out within a couple of years because the stories are heartbreaking and harrowing and the work is very tough, emotionally. If you do something on a volunteer basis and burn out, you can take some time off and go back to it later. If you do something for a living and burn out, that gets a lot stickier.

        To me, OP’s question is kind of like when people I know who have never worked in a coffee shop talk about opening a coffee shop – they have no idea just how grueling, thankless, financially stressful, and unrelenting that work can be. If OP does the volunteer work for a year and then thinks about making a major change, that’s different – she’ll know then what she’s getting into. For now, I think OP needs to do some volunteering and maybe lean out at work and take up some kind of outdoor exercise, vs. blowing up her life to seek “fulfillment.” I have seen that be the path to poverty and permanent financial insecurity.

    11. Please volunteer in this field before taking such a significant pay cut. You might find that it is not as fulfilling as you think it will be. Also, like social workers, the burn out for this type of career can be very quick. You will be seeing very upsetting and disturbing things as a victim’s advocate (victims of violence, rape, attempted murder, etc.). Also, the criminal justice system will often disappoint victims and their families. If you are looking at advocating for victims of domestic violence in restraining order situations, be prepared to see the same victims and perpetrators again and again. The highs can be high, but the lows can be very low and much more numerous.

    12. While I don’t doubt that the new position would be meaningful, it also sounds incredibly emotionally draining. I would try to take some baby steps into this via volunteer work, rather than upending your career for something that may not be a great fit.

    13. Can you get fulfilled by volunteer activities? Work is to support yourself primarily. Having both in a job is nice to have but not at the expense of financial stability.

    14. Yes. I would try volunteer work in this area first. Your take home pay will be ~$48k per year. Your rent is $26k. That leaves $22k for everything else in your life – and consider that the 401k max is $22.5k.

    15. Thanks, all. You’re giving me the reality check that I needed. I’m reaching out to a contact to inquire about volunteering.

      1. Also consider volunteer guardian ad litem work (often shortened to GAL) on behalf of children. Might help with the sense of fulfillment without doing it full time, and you are representing the interests of kids who are often caught in difficult circumstances.

    16. Nearly 20 years ago, I went from big law to a staff attorney position at a trial court with a pay cut of well over $200K a year. I don’t regret it for a moment. I had to significantly scale back expenses but my pay has increased (almost tripled) since taking the job, I have an amazing pension, I have been able to actually take vacations and holidays (basically have a life outside an office), the benefits are amazing, and I can retire comfortably in a couple of years. I am not saying it works out for everyone but it was certainly the right choice for me — so might be worth considering if you can make it work and it is what you really want to do.

    17. I was a victim advocate before I went to law school. It was in 1989 and I made 15K a year. It was very fullfiling and I was often disgusted by how the police and prosecutors treated the alleged victims. You won’t have time to make a meaningful difference in their lives but you will be the one person who listens to them.

    18. I changed careers and took a similar pay cut ($100k to $50k) and have no regrets. However my husband earned ~$100k at the time and we’re in a pretty LCOL area, so our combined income is plenty for the lifestyle we want. I had also saved a lot from a previous high earning job that allowed us to buy a house in cash, so our fixed expenses were low even compared to others in this area. I do agree that living alone on $60k would be tough, unless you’re wiling to do without a lot of luxuries.

    19. I’ve taken a major paycut to a similar kind of pursuing a passion and I regret it. The added value I get from the flexibility and curiosity-satisfying is outweighed by increased financial stress and scarcity. There is so much scientific research now on how financial pressures are correlated with everything from reduced mental focus and space for creative and flexible thinking to negative health outcomes from higher stress.

    20. I have done some volunteer work in the victim advocacy space and it is really draining work. There is very little to no support for it from institutional actors and there is really no “career path” to speak of.

    21. Coming at this from a crime victim perspective: the advocates where I live are incredibly overworked and basically just make sure you have all your forms lined up for victim’s compensation. My crime (random attempted homicide) was never solved, so maybe I would’ve had a more attentive advocate if it had. But just be aware that this may be WAY more bureaucracy and administrata than actual direct victim work. Happy to answer any questions you might have about things from a crime vic’s perspective.

    22. I don’t know the COL in your city, but so many people below are acting like you will be homeless and unable to live on a $60k salary. It would be a major lifestyle change, but plenty of people have perfectly happy lives on that salary.

      However, I recommend trying the volunteer route first because it is such a hard and draining job. Have you done anything like this in the past? I think it’s a very noble profession, but know that for myself, I couldn’t handle it emotionally. Before you make such a big change, I think you need to try volunteering doing some thing similar to learn if you would actually enjoy it or be able to handle it on a day to day basis

      1. I’m in a MCOL city and made under $62K for the first 14 years after grad school. I was living paycheck to paycheck and contributed only the 5% match to my retirement, as a single woman. I was “rent burdened” (over 1/3 of my salary went to rent). I wasn’t homeless, but it was very challenging. I wouldn’t say I was happy on that salary.

      2. Not directly related to the original post, but it’s genuinely fascinating to me the blinkers some members of this community have around salary. The average nationwide salary in the US for 2023 is in the $55-60k range. People live! People buy houses! People contribute to retirement accounts! People go on vacation! People value different things than having a HHI of over $300k! Maybe I’m just sensitive because I’m one of those nearly-homeless* people working in a helping profession for $65k a year, but it boggles my mind afresh every time this comes up.

        *Not even slightly.

        1. +1000000000

          I almost replied something like this above when a poster noted the max legal contribution to a 401k. Only a very tiny percentage of people max out their retirement accounts, and most people are going to be fine in retirement.

          I live in a LCOL city, but $60k is enough here to have a safe and nice apartment or house and to do plenty.

          1. It depends where you live. Looking at national stats isn’t that relevant. I wrote above about $62K. The average salary in my city is about $85K, and an average home is $600K. I can’t afford one. My mom’s family all live in MO, where that would be a great salary to purchase a home. But my mom moved, all the rest of my family are in my city, and I have always lived here and want to continue doing so.

          3. +2 I work in higher ed, so I know a ton of people with masters degrees and in some cases even PhDs who earn less than $60k. It certainly doesn’t go that far in NYC (although I’m laughing at the idea that it’s “poverty” even there) but in a small college town you can have a pretty nice life on that salary. I had a coworker who supported a family of five on less than $50k. They didn’t have a fancy lifestyle, but they owned a home in the city’s best school district, took vacations (mostly driving trips to state and national parks), had the kids in activities (albeit relatively cheap ones like Scouts) and saved for retirement although I’m sure nowhere near the max. People here expect to retire with a net worth of $5M+ but that’s not reality for the vast majority of people. Most people will go on Medicaid when they need nursing care that costs hundreds of thousands a year — almost no one can cover that out of pocket. Heck, my HHI is nearly $200k in a LCOL area and I doubt we’ll be able to save enough for a decade or more of nursing care.

          4. Of course it’s location dependent, but OP didn’t say she was in a HCOLA. The automatic assumption that someone can’t ever make it on a salary that is very common is what we’re pushing against.

          5. To be fair, if she pays $2,200 in rent for anything less than a mansion, she’s probably in at least a MCOL city — in my LCOL city, you would be hard-pressed to find a single family house that costs that much to rent. You can get a nice two bedroom for half that.

          6. ok I noted that above for perspective for the OP. If she’s maxing out her 401k now, which is possible on her current salary, it seems relevant that the same amount would exhaust her remaining disposable income after the pay cut…

        2. Look, sister, if you want to live your life on the bare edge of financial survival, that’s fine for you. For you. In my life, I’ve had more money and I’ve had less money, and having more money is better. It was great, when my mom approached me about needing some financial help for my brother, who needed a surgery that his insurance wouldn’t cover completely, to be able to write a check and say “forget about paying me back” and it didn’t affect us at all. It’s great to be able to find out about some trip or activity for our kids and write a check and not think twice about how we’re going to scrape the money together so they can participate.

          Money isn’t everything, but not all of us want to live in the sticks and shop at Dollar General and worry that if we need a medical procedure, we may have to sell our car or eat rice and beans for months to afford it. Money makes everything easier. Money is the only insulator between us and utter calamity, in a lot of cases. A lot of women tell themselves stories about money that are patently untrue – like, if I’m not suffering, I’m not living “right;” and also – as a woman, I should care more about other people than I care about money. I have been able to care for the people in my life that I love BECAUSE I have money. And I’ve been able to keep myself healthier also, which also matters. As people have said above, financial stress is pervasive and affects people’s physical health.

          1. I’m glad you’re living a life that aligns with your values, Anon, and that you’ve been able to financially support your family when they’ve asked. But holy crap there are a whole lotta assumptions in your post!!

    23. I work in the same space as you, anti-financial crimes. While I don’t love it, it pays the bills and I don’t expect my career to fulfill me. I expect my job to provide me with the standard of living and disposable income to pursue my hobbies and interests. I think the life changes that you would have to make in order to live on less than half your current salary would make this change unbearable. I would look into a new job not an entirely new career. Are you going to live with a roommate in a one bedroom? Never travel or go out to dinner? Stop contributing to a savings or retirement?

    24. I’ve worked in the public sector for over 5 years, and I’ve never made $140K. I wouldn’t make this switch. Making a lower salary for me has meant delaying purchasing a home, delaying having a child, and having a very small wedding with no honeymoon. It’s meant I’m still paying student loans. It’s meant I can go on vacation only about every 5 years, and then the vacations are less than a week. It’s been a big struggle. I would recommend you consider volunteering.

      There’s many opportunities. You could volunteer as a Guardian ad Litem/CASA court appointed special advocate. I worked at a DV shelter and led a program for trained advocates to go out to hospitals and police stations to accompany survivors. Reach out to your local DV shelter, SA program, child advocacy program, or legal aid. I’m sure all programs would be happy to have your expertise!

        1. I posted about my small wedding yesterday. Everyone has their own dreams. I have a very large family, as does my husband. Culturally weddings are very important to us. We got married last year, and it was hard to wittle down to a 25 person guest list for a wedding in a park. We also got flack for not having a typical cultural wedding celebration and including everyone who usually would be invited. This caused tension for us.

          That example of budgetary limitations came to the top of my head because it just happened recently. We both are older and had to put aside lifelong dreams to invite everyone because my salary is so low. He is also in public service. We’re happy with what we do. But yes, making less money means real sacrifices. Giving up a lifelong goal of a wedding is one of them.

    25. I’m a prosecutor and work very closely with victims of violent crimes and have done this for over a decade. I did primarily domestic violence work for over 8 years. I don’t think $60k will launch you into poverty like some have alleged, but I urge you to do some volunteer work before you seriously consider this. The work is insanely draining and burn out is real. Victims are not like what you see on TV — many (most?) are severely traumatized with way more problems than you can possibly deal with, and it’s common for them to take out their anger and frustration on you. The number of times I’ve had people scream at me for things that had nothing to do with me is… insane. I’ve had a woman with 6 broken ribs and a broken nose yell at me for breaking up her family and cry about how all she wanted was to be back with her abuser (she ended up apologizing, then yelling at me, then apologizing and begging for help to divorce him, several times, until he finally went to prison and she moved out of state where she got a new boyfriend who I believe is abusive as well). I now I work mostly murders and most of my victims are homeless and their family members alternate from devastated to indifferent, and I don’t know which is worse. It is very very very emotionally tough and definitely not for everyone. If you were at the very beginning of your career I would say, try it and you can always leave it it’s not for you. But since you already have a good career, I would encourage you to figure out first if you can really do this and really want to do this by volunteering before signing up to do it full time.

      1. +1 I worked in a DV shelter, a residential shelter where women and families lived. It was extremely challenging, and the survivors often have trauma, substance use histories, experienced homelessness, and other intersecting issues. They aren’t always sympathetic, often act contrary to their best interests, and can really frustrate you.

        Many of the women went back to their abusers. I was told stats say women typically have 7 failed attempts before leaving an abuser for good. We had to ask many women to leave because they were contacting their abusers on social media, and letting the abuser know their whereabouts endangers everyone in the program.

        Once an abuser showed up looking for the survivor. We had a buzzer system and bulletproof door, but it was terrifying for me and the other families to have him banging on the door and screaming until the cops came. Ironically, the survivor wasn’t even there at the time.

        I left the shelter to work at legal aid, where again, we often had very unsympathetic clients with multiple issues who behaved in bizarre and frustrating ways that don’t help their case. Our services were free, and all advocates are highly qualified attorneys, yet clients would often insult or belittle us as the worst of the worst when things didn’t go their way. Of course, I get some appreciation, but also much derision and blame.

        I definitely recommend volunteering first. It will give you a taste for the work and also look good on a resume. It will prove you know what the job entails.

    26. As someone who works closely with victims of crime, I would say that it is very fulfilling work. However…also consider that you will be spending your days seeing the dark side of life and connecting with people who are distressed, or angry, or traumatized, or all of the above. You will be up close and personal with some of the worst stuff that human beings can do to each other, including murder, torture, and $3x abuse. After enough of this, one comes to live in a dark world. I have seen helping people burn out. I have seen helping people crash and burn themselves.

      Those who don’t crash and burn themselves seem to be:(1) very emotionally stable; (2) able to compartmentalize their lives; (3) have a personal life that is a retreat and doesn’t come with its own major issues (spouse with anger or substance abuse issues for example); (4) thinking they can rescue or fix people when generally all you can do is make things better for a little while; (5) empathetic but not highly, highly empathetic (the emotional load will destroy you if you are someone who truly absorbs others’ trauma ); and (6) do not have a troubled past themselves such that they are personally triggered by what they are dealing with on a daily basis.

      It is fulfilling work. It is important work. But it is not happy, cheerful work. Savior mentalities don’t make it. It is a decent choice for those who are highly practical and reasonably empathetic. It is a great way to make a positive difference in the world, so long as you are not someone who is going to destroy themselves doing it. So, I can’t recommend it nor can I not recommend it. Only you can decide.

      1. Alllll of this. I am a public defender appellate attorney. The vicarious trauma is REAL, and I do live in a dark dark world. I make decent money as a state contractor (1099 income of about $160K) but I am trying to retire early doing this job because it’s so difficult (also I’m just tired of working in general).

        1. Prosecutor here. Respect to you from the other side of the courtroom. I’m nearly thirty years in and can see retirement from where I’m standing. It will be SUCH a relief, but I will also miss it.

    27. I agree with everyone else who said to volunteer first. Halving your salary on an impulse is the wrong move.

    28. I don’t think you’re qualified for the job. I’d hope they’d hire somebody with more relevant skills and experience.

  2. I will be in London for my birthday this October. Does anyone have a recommendation for a place to get a cake? I like dark dark dark and super rich chocolate cake, like dark enough it’s good with red wine. Raspberry component optional. I am staying in an airbnb, so my plan would be to order in advance (like, next week lol) and pick it up day of, either to take to a restaurant later or eat after dinner. I would also prefer a full cake to a cupcake. Googling suggested Peggy Porschen, but I don’t really trust a place that puts so much effort into how “instagrammable” their dining room is…

    I would also love to hear suggestions for celebrating in London! :)

    1. Don’t eat a cake in your air BnB! You are in London! Go out to a fancy afternoon tea and eat many cakes!

      1. 100% this. Cake at the Airbnb is the saddest way to celebrate anything when you’re in London!

        1. No, it’s not sad. People are different and it is quite possible that eating a cake in the Airbnb may be enjoyable to the OP. It’s kind of rude to call someone else’s plans ‘sad’ just because you prefer a different type of experience.

        2. Eating cake in bed, maybe while reading a book, is the height of indulgence in my opinion. :)

      2. Haha, I did fancy afternoon tea last time I was in London. For my birthday I don’t want to waste time with all the cakes that aren’t chocolate!

      4. I love afternoon tea but you aren’t going to get a super rich dark chocolate cake at an afternoon tea.

    2. If I were in London on my birthday, I would….

      Start with a walk in one of the parks and have a fancy coffee and pastry
      Go to whatever tourist attraction rocks your boat
      Have afternoon tea at fortnimmst and mason
      Wind up with a show or a play

      1. I’m never super impressed with high tea cakes, they are often crumbly British cakes. I go foreign for decent baking in this country.

    3. I think you’re looking for a Swedish bakery for kladdkaka. Soderberg does a nice one and I bet if you emailed, they’d do you a whole cake. But there are other Swedish bakeries that are worth hunting down.
      I’ve got similar tastes but am sadly dairy free these days.

    4. Depends on your budget:

      $ Pret Chocolate brownie is amazing. Its pre-packed and divine. I suggest the Pret by the Globe. You can sit outside with your coat on and people watch. Unfortunately no wine with this option unless you bring your own in an unmarked cup.

      $$: Forget Peggy Porschen – in Chelsea I would go to Colberts. Their chocolate mouse is exactly as you describe. Its about GBP10. They have a wonderful wine selection. Its a great place to celebrate your birthday and everyone is lovely. Its more of a local place. You can have a drink at the bar and order the cake if you don’t want a full meal. Their wine selection is excellent.

      $$$: Knightsbridge has excellent food. For a fun experience, 5th floor bar of Harvey Nichols has an excellent brownie. They have the best cocktails. Its a scene and it gets expensive because all the drinks taste so so good.

    5. You could try for cakes from Violet Bakery it Lily Vanilli, both have classic birthday cakes – and Violet did Harry and Megan’s wedding cake!

    6. No suggestions for cake, but while in London I think you should seek out Rococo chocolates if you are such a chocolate fan. I recommend the drinking chocolate as a great souvenir/gift to self.

    7. I recommend Konditor. You can get cake by the slice at their shop, or order a half-and-half cake with two different chocolate flavours.
      Although I’m not vegan, I really like their vegan chocolate raspberry cake because it’s very rich tasting

    8. British and a cake lover here :) I’d go to Konditor (their Curly Wurly cake is scrumptious!)

      Ole & Steen does a delightful range of Scandi cakes and treats. Their Christianhavenercake and fruit tarts are scrumptious and they do full size cake.

      There’s also Fortnum and Mason, which I believe take cake orders.

    9. For a really posh chocolate cake – Valrhona Chocolate and raspberry ganache torte from Cake Boy London.

  3. This Blazer is gorgeous. I might buy it. Thanks Kat/Kate for enabling me to buy more things I don’t need :)

  4. If anyone is bored this morning and wants to paper doll me I’d appreciate it! I need new coats, all of mine are truly worn out. For general NYC commuter life and a trip to Paris. I’m thinking one wool, longer, maybe a faux fur detachable collar, one a mid length packable puffer or quilted jacket, possibly with a hood, somewhat waterproof. Paris to me says all black everything but I love a color and especially a blue so would consider something a bit more lively too. Ideally under $500

    2. I don’t know if you count camel as a color, but I have a camel wool coat and I love it. Gets lots of compliments, looks good with everything, flattering to my coloring. Would definitely recommend!

    3. Soia & Kyo CAMELIA-C Slim Fit Down Coat. It is slightly over your budget, but they do go on sale.

      1. Oops, I see you want packable. It is not packable. But I have brought it on many planes.

      2. +1 to the Camelia, I bought it on a Black Friday sale. One note though, it is very very warm, this is my deep winter/negative temps coat so it might be warmer than you need for Paris/NYC unless you run cold.

        1. I wear it as my regular winter coat in NYC (temps in the 30s or below), but I agree that it is very warm! I do walk a lot, so it is good if you are outside a fair bit.

    5. Reply in mod, trying again. Try the Columbia Women’s Mighty Lite hooded jacket in “dark seas” (not “ocean” as I said in the post in mod). I got it at Amazon and I love it.

      1. Oh, and it runs a little small. I’m usually a medium and I ended up with a large.

  5. Anyone been to the Nederlander theater in Chicago? A friend invited me to Hamilton next month, evening show. What should I wear? I have never been to this theatre. I love dressing up but don’t want to be super overdressed, other theaters across the country, I’ve seen people in jeans. Ideas or links appreciated!

    1. I’m in Chicagoland and have been to that theater a bunch. It depends on the show and time (evening tends to be dressier), but generally you will see a lot of people in jeans and a lot of people in business casual and church clothes, with a few people more dressed up than that. There are always people who dress for the theme (e.g., lots of pink for Legally Blonde) and at Hamilton I’m sure there will be some people will be in historical clothing. I think you’ll be alone if you wear an evening gown, but pretty much any other level of formality wouldn’t stand out, so wear what you want.

    2. I’ve seen Hamilton there twice! The Midwest is so casual…you could wear jeans if you wanted, but could also dress up. I’ve wore a jumpsuit once and a pleather skirt the other time.

    3. An acquaintance went with her school age kids last year. The kids dressed up in historical costume type dresses, parents wore the kind of upscale-cute-casual thing that you’d wear to dinner out – dressy jeans.

    5. I saw Hamilton there, it was great. I’d planned to wear nice black jeans, and based on what I saw, I would have fit right in. (Unfortunately, I sprained my ankle earlier that day and my jeans were not fitting over it, so I wore the loose athleisure pants I had that did. Alas!)

    6. My rule of thumb for anything like this is to dress like you just got off work and you’ll be fine. No ballgowns to the opera just because they seem to do it in the movies.

    7. I’ve been a few times, mostly in winter. I think it’s fun to dress up for a theater show. But also, I go to so few events where a fancy fun outfit is needed. I think it would be fun if you both dressed up – either way it’s a great time. My last winter show outfit was a fuzzy off white sweater with a jeweled collar, flowy wide leg black pants and black heels.

      You’ll see everything on the formality scale and honestly most people wont notice you, or what you wear at all. Makes for fun preshow people watching.

  6. Same person going to Hamilton – but separate thread from fashion! I have heard of the show, but somehow I haven’t seen it yet, or listened to the full score. I know very general plot but I’d like to be able to catch what’s going on even if I can’t catch every word. Best way to prep to watch the show? I have 2 weeks. (I used to do musical theatre and sang opera in college – I’m interested in appreciating the show/plot/score and don’t mind ruining any spoilers to the extent there are any)

    1. I hadn’t listened to the score at all before seeing it for the first time and actually loved being blown away with the surprise. Some of the actors play multiple characters (switching for Act II).

      1. Yeah, I went into Macbeth cold (Shakespeare is the gap in my cultural literacy) and I think I enjoyed it more as a result.

        My husband did the same for Anna Karenina, whispering “this doesn’t end well, does it…?” at the interval. Despite knowing the ending, I left AK broken and weepin.

      2. Oh and by surprise I don’t mean the actual plot — hard for there to be real spoilers when Ham’s death is so well known — but the surprise of letting the music and characters just unfold over me “live”.

      3. +1 million. Go into it cold. I tried to but I caved and listened to the soundtrack in advance. When we saw it live, I was so jealous of my husband who was hearing it all for the first time live. It really is as amazing as everyone says, and unless you’re hard of hearing you should have no problem following it.

        1. +2. I went into it cold (and then listened to the soundtrack on repeat for the following year!)

          1. My husband went in cold and my kids and I knew every last thing about the show. For him, it moved very fast (he doesn’t have the best hearing) and is very dense. He loved it, but I think a lot went past him. There is a lot to savor. The libretto is awesome.

      4. I saw it cold with a FABULOUS cast/crew, and was absolutely and utterly blown away — it was magical.

        However, I saw it with my parents later with a different tour, and the second tour was not quite as strong. I know the music extremely well, and I really struggled to hear the lyrics with this particular tour. My parents were not quite as blown away as I was, and it was in part because the words weren’t as clear, so they missed a lot of the genius of the show. I don’t know if you can really suss this out before the show, but I think they would have enjoyed it much more if they had seen the Disney+ version and knew the lyrics better.

        1. Plus one on this. The sound design at touring productions is, I think, the single hardest thing to get right. If they get it wrong, it can really be an issue for lyrical clarity. I’d listen to the recording at least once or twice.

    2. If you want to watch it in advance, it is available on Disney+. Barring that, your library might have Lin Manuel Miranda’s book about the show (or if you want to get really ambitious you could read the Chernow book it is based on, which is really, really good but reading it this close to seeing the show might be jarring because the show gets the broad outlines of history correct but is definitely not a documentary!)

      Also at the very least I suggest reading the lyrics to My Shot and Guns & Ships in advance.

      Have fun!

      1. +1 to the Disney+ version, which is fantastic. But I think you’ll be fine going in cold.

        1. I would say -1 to the Disney+ version, because while I’ve seen the show twice IRL and THEN saw the Disney version, I would have felt let down by comparing what I saw to the original, inimitable (see what I did there lol) cast.

        2. I actually did not like the Disney+ version. Much of the camera work was too close up for the style of acting and the staging. It was much more fake-y and less compelling than it would have been if they’d just stuck a camera in the mezannine.

    3. I found it very easy to follow along in person without having any prior knowledge of the music/lyrics. I know someone who had hearing aids who went who did miss some of the lyrics, but still enjoyed it, it’s a pretty forgiving musical. I knew the basics of Alexander Hamilton’s life (treasurer, duel), but even that much isn’t needed. I think LMM songs in general are pretty easy to hear/understand though.

    5. I would 100% go into it cold. If the sound is mixed well you’ll be able to understand most of the text. A musical always has much more impact if you don’t already know it.

      Afterwards, get the book Hamilton: The Revolution to find any of the clever references you didn’t catch during the show. Everything from rap to Shakespeare to Gilbert & Sullivan.

    6. READ THE LIBRETTO. It will 1000% help with everything. And google the time they went to the White House and sang there.

    7. If you have any difficulty at all with understanding accents or rap or any hearing issues, I would watch it on Disney plus first with the subtitles. I don’t normally struggle with understanding accents, but something about this musical is hard for my brain to process in real time.

      But I haven’t seen it in person (Covid cancelled the show I had tickets for), and just watched it on Disney plus when it came out. Honestly, I was very underwhelmed. Maybe it would have been better in person, but I found it hard to follow all the words in the songs and didn’t find it moving. For me personally, I think it would have been better to see when it first came out and the political atmosphere was different. It didn’t hit the same way for me when the country is clearly in decline and democracy is under attack

      1. That’s interesting. I feel like it has even more emotional impact now that the democracy is under attack.
        I do think you might have had a different experience if you’d been able to see it live. I love the songs and think a bunch of them are super catchy, but it doesn’t really move you until you see it live. The Disney+ movie is not the same.

    8. I had the cast recording almost memorized before I saw it. There are so many nuances and historical facts referenced in the lyrics, and I was happy to be well-prepared. There’s still one “surprise” scene that doesn’t appear on the recording (but does appear in the Disney Plus film). However, since I was a child, I have always preferred familiarizing myself with the music before seeing a show, so maybe it’s just me.

    9. If you want historical context without spoiling the musical, you could read Ron Chernow’s Hamilton bio, which was LMM’s inspiration. It is very long and kind of dry, but I do think it gave me useful historical context for the show.

    10. For your background, I would listen to the soundtrack (or read the lyrics) a few times and look through the Lin Manuel book about the show. I read that book after seeing the show on Broadway. The book provides some interesting insights into the choreography of the musical. The songs are fast – having a basic understanding of at least some of the songs will allow you to better appreciate the musical.

  7. How expensive of a gift would you accept from someone you refer business to? I have referred ~100k in business to a contact in another state in the last two years (without making any money off them myself). They offered me a weekend trip for myself and my spouse in a large city near me – fancy dinner, event tickets, lodging, probably worth about $4k – as a thank you for the referrals. It would be just me and my spouse, not the referral source. I have gotten meals and <$100 gift cards from people before but haven’t ever had something with a larger dollar value. I’m a solo practitioner and no ethics/gift rules apply (my state permits fee sharing but I’ve never done it and haven’t planned to start). Would you accept the weekend trip?

      1. It feels strange since I’ve never done it before! I didn’t expect any kind of gift and this is the first time in my career anyone has offered or given me something more than, maybe $200 value (really nice bottle of wine, dinner). So honestly I’m not sure if this is normal. I live in a rural area and I am trying to figure out if this stuff happens all the time in bigger metros or if this is like, a weird favor type situation.

    2. I would so long as you’ve been happy with the service those you referred have received (if you know).

    3. I’m really glad you’re taking the time to consider this question.

      You might look to the studies on doctors accepting gifts/entertainment from pharmaceutical companies as an analogy to see what’s comfortable for you. I think the studies found that accepting anything made doctors more likely to prescribe that company’s drugs, even though many doctors weren’t doing so on purpose and didn’t think the gifts affected them. You could see if more lavish gifts affected prescribing more (I expect so, or why would pharma companies pay).

      Of course, referring business is very different stakes that prescribing medication. In your shoes, I might look at the likely effect of accepting the gifts (are you more likely to refer/less likely to seek out better alternatives), what impact that might have on the people seeking referrals (are they established clients who expect you to be searching for the best vendors for them? are you referring sophisticated purchasers of these services or someone who needs help assessing? as a practical matter, is there any alternative to this practitioner to whom you could refer?), what the people seeking referrals would think if they knew of the gifts, and the norms of the field.

      There is such a big range of possibilities. An in-house lawyer knows that the corporate partner who refers them to their partner in litigation gets a financial benefit from directing more work within the firm and takes that into consideration when considering whether to engage the firm for litigation in addition to corporate work. A doctor who accepts kickbacks or large gifts for referring patients not only violates the patient’s trust, but also likely commits a crime.

      Personally, I’d probably say no to the weekend trip unless I felt comfortable disclosing it to those who are seeking a referral.

    4. If they are willing to spend so much on you, why have you not suggested a referral fee? Obviously your referrals have netted considerable profit for them to spend $4k on you. Monetize it and formalize with an agreement instead of accepting a trip.

      1. +1. They seem to want to compensate you in some way, and I’d feel much more comfortable with a referral fee. But get that compensation somehow!!

  8. Long shot but any outer East Bay moms here with recommendations for infant daycares,center or home-based? Looking in Concord/Pleasant Hill, Walnut Creek, Alamo, and Lafayette. I’m fully aware this is probably going to be a nightmare but would appreciate any recs. While we’re in fantasy land here, a place that provides meals and has good outdoor space would be awesome.

    1. Little Genius in Walnut Creek has been great. We’ve been there 6 years between two kids and no complaints. They serve all meals and provide all diapers.

      It’s a big center but they divide it by age so it feels homey to me.

      Thay said, I’m certain there’s a wait list so call ASAP.

      Also, look at the local FB WC moms group. Many recs for many of the local centers.

    2. You might get more responses on the moms page — I know there are some people there in the east Bay.

  9. First world problem for this morning – how long am I going to have to wait until I get over my fear of my new-to-me sofa getting damaged by wear and tear? I am not precious about “stuff” at all, but since getting a $$$$$$$ leather couch a week back I am practically scared to sit on it. We did a full clean/condition/protect regime this weekend and every little imperfection which already existed from the previous owner sent my heart irrationally racing. Even the beautiful sunny day on Sunday made me nervous because we are in the process of installing window film to reduce UV/sun to protect the couch, but haven’t finished yet.

    Like, rationally I know this is insane and I don’t feel like this about anything else we have. Is it going to pass in time? HOW LONG?!?! I’m driving myself crazy right now.

    1. It’s already been used and is in nice enough condition that you were willing to pay a lot! it’s going to hold up well!

      Also, sun damage happens over time, so one day will have zero impact.

      Most important, it’s just a couch. It’s just a piece of furniture, an object, replaceable. Try not to sweat it so much.

      1. I actually love the look of aged/worn leather furniture. I actually thought that was the goal! It is definitely a particular aesthetic, but it sounds like that is not the OPs?

    3. After four years I still put a throw blanket on my lap while drinking coffee or red wine on my pale gray couch. Beyond that try to relax, leather looks good with some wear. Flawless leather can read a bit bachelor pad

      1. This. We will eat dinner on the couch while watching a movie and put a blanket over it especially if we are eating something that splashes easily like sushi and soy sauce.

    4. Honestly, if you’re that worried about damaging something, you can’t afford it. That goes for cars, clothes, houses, and as you’re experiencing now, furniture. Things getting damaged as they get used is just reality. Particularly for something you got secondhand.
      One way to try to address the anxiety: game out the worst case scenario. Say the couch (somehow) gets completely destroyed to the point where you have to throw it away, and you’re completely out the $$$ you spent on it. So you’ve lost $$$. You’ll live.
      If not, maybe look into real property insurance. Yes, it’s probably insane to buy it for a couch, and may not even be possible, but if the premiums will put your mind at ease and allow you to enjoy the furniture, it may be worth it.

      1. Good points. OP, you are most likely more nervous about the big cash outlay than the couch itself. Presumably you ran the numbers and decided this couch would be manageable. If it makes you feel better, put a few dollars in an envelope (or account) each week towards replacing furniture items so you’ll feel secure there’s a cushion (no pun intended) if your couch unexpectedly falls apart. You’ll be ok.

      2. I think you have a fair point – like, I would be gutted to lose the money we spent on the sectional ($6500 CAD), as it is certainly not insignificant to us. That said, are people really buying things that would replace without a second thought in the event they were ruined? Despite my income, for me that would be a $100-200 couch – and even then, I would feel bad about the environmental impact, etc.

        I think maybe the inherent value of the couch, even more than what I paid, is scary? Like, I don’t live in a world of $40k sofas, yet hear we are and god forbid I don’t care for it appropriately…

        1. What would constitute it getting ruined to you? Realistically, a normal spot, stain, or scratch won’t take away the utility. A tear in the leather is honestly unlikely. Yes, items do have lifespan, and eventually this couch will need to be replaced, but probably not for many, many years. I’d be more concerned that I would stop loving the look or want a different style, but that doesn’t seem to be your concern, so enjoy it and sit down!

          1. It took us 15+ years of rough (husband, kids, giant dog who sleeps on it and drools) use and many moves to get a tear in the leather of our leather couch. It wasn’t really visible, just where the back cushions are sewn to the couch body.

        2. It’s not so much that you’d replace it without a second thought. It’s a method of managing anxiety by imagining the worst case scenario, recognizing how unlikely it is, and calibrating feelings accordingly. Rather than just a vague lingering sense of, it would be REALLY BAD if I scratch the couch!

    5. You’ll feel a lot better after the first little scratch or spill. But honestly, if this is a previously owned couch and it hasn’t been sitting under a dust cloth never being used, doesn’t that tell you it can handle some wear and tear and still look good?

    6. i feel like leather is so much less dangerous than a fabric couch – just wipe spills off it. my first sofa was a dark blue leather one from ikea, and 20 years later the leather still looks perfect even if the comfort level has declined so it’s just in a playroom now.

    7. OP, who do you need it to be perfect for? This feels like an anxiety loop you’re in that isn’t really about the couch. do you feel like you don’t deserve nice things? Or that you made a mistake and spent too much on the couch and you wish you could return it? Or that your grownup life doesn’t look like what you imagined and this is the first thing that matches your image of adulthood and you think you’re going to mess it up? I think the way you talk yourself down from the ledge depends very much on the root of the anxiety.

      Agree with other posters that leather is more durable than fabric upholstery. I’ll also point out that if the piece is high-quality, then you should be able to eventually reupholster it if and when you do wear it out. Maybe having a plan for that will ease your concerns?

  10. Would love some shopping help! In-law 50th wedding anniversary is in two weeks – vow renewal at a church followed by reception at nicer restaurant (will look like a wedding reception – own room, dance floor etc.). In the Midwest so probably still pretty warm but not 100 degrees. I’m usually a size 4, 5’4” and 140lb. Have been striking out for weeks trying to figure this out – any help appreciated! Also I’m 40 for context on style :). TIA!!!

    1. I’ve got a similar size/shape and I recently bought one of the one shoulder twill dresses from Kate Spade for my parent’s 50th a few weeks back. A number of their dresses are on sale, and they hit that ‘dressy but not too fancy’ note really well, plus the styles are fairly timeless. I’d suggest a size 6 vs. your usual 4, Kate Spade uses more ‘designer’ sizing.

    2. I bought two dresses from Marie Oliver this summer and have loved them. Maybe check her out?

    3. Tuckernuck is my answer to all special occasion dress questions. So many cute options in all different styles. Their in-house brand is exceptionally nice quality too.

    4. Reformation is having a sale right now. I love their midi length dresses. They run small, so size up.

    5. I’m imagining this as a daytime event, so more casual than c*cktail. I’d look for a patterned midi dress with short sleeves, similar to what I’d wear to a daytime wedding in the same locale and venues. Floral or abstract pattern, depending on how you roll

      Some options:
      Floral on black – https://www.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/reiss-leni-floral-print-cap-sleeve-midi-dress?ID=4525433&CategoryID=21683

      Green leopard – https://www.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/whistles-painted-leopard-shirred-dress?ID=4556379&CategoryID=21683

      Ikat print – https://ba-sh.com/us/p/dress-fine-vert-3664784566199.html

      Abstract navy and cream – https://ba-sh.com/us/p/dress-calas-ecru-3664784568117.html

  11. Any ladies in the size 14-ish range have hiking pants opinions? No stores in my area have my size in stock so I will need to order online and don’t have enough time for returning & buying again.

    I have a size 14 Eddie Bauer Ascent pair that are fine, although a hair loose in the waist and a bit lower rise than ideal. I don’t think I would like a 12 due to the rise, and wonder if anyone with a similar shape is willing to share experience. My preference would be a higher rise, 10″ or so, waist is 34″ and hips are 44″. TIA!

    1. My first recommendation was going to be EB. I’m guessing, based on fashion trends, that the current form of the Ascent pants may have a higher rise if that’s your main concern.

    2. I have the 2020 version of the Ascent pants and fully agree. I actually got two sizes and feel that I need the larger size and a belt and they feel lower-rise with every year that passes. They are good pants, but I have wanted something better. Have you tried Athleta or North Face? I’ve had good luck with those (for North Face — size up a size larger than you think you’ll need).

      1. OP here – thank you!

        I love my EB Ascent shorts and was so disappointed to find that the pants version do not fit the same. Appreciate the alternative recs.

    3. I love Baleaf hiking pants, can get them on Amazon. I like the elastic waist. Check out the sizing guide, Size L works for me as a 10.

      1. Agreed! Just bought a couple pairs of these and took a size L. I’m generally a 12/14 apple shape. They are really comfy.

    4. I got a pair of athleta hiking pants at my local REI (same size as you) and I love them. They are the Athleta Headlands Hybrid Cargo II Tights. I got a tall because I hate a gap between my pants and shoes when hiking.

      1. I have these and love them, but they do not have belt loops, which means no good way to carry bear spray if you’re hiking in grizzly country. If this is not a concern, then carry on.

      2. OP here; thanks! These look promising and I am also a fan of getting talls so they go all the way to my shoes.

    5. You want Kühl. Theirs are the best by far. I’m still wearing size 12/14 hiking pants I got from them in 2016 and they look pretty damn good and they’re so comfortable. Unfortunately they discontinued the exact make that I have, but you should be able to find a good selection of their other options at REI.

      I also liked a pair of Ascent shorts I had from Eddie Bauer, but some of them have PFAS chemicals in the lining. That is unavoidable with certain outdoor items, such as raincoats, but I prefer not to have them when it’s not needed in advance of the new laws and manufacturing changes that are phasing them out of outdoor clothing.

      1. I got a pair of Kuhl freeflex pants at REI for a recent trip, loved them so much I bought another pair on Poshmark. I’m usually a 14 but have put on a few pounds, all in the midsection, and they seemed to run a bit small so I got the 16 short and they are great – very flattering and comfortable for regular casual wear as well as hiking.

    8. I would try Duluth Trading Company- they have pants with a rise that are secure but not awkward and the sizing is generous.

  12. I received a Portland Leather catalog last week and omg, I wanted everything. I am particularly drawn to the cognac and warm leather colors (fall must be on the way). However, most of my clothes and outerwear are cool-toned. Will picking a bag in a warmer color look bad?

    1. omgod, so timely. I literally just this morning made a purchase from PLG. My first ones too. I love the look of the honey and congac. Theres tons of photos on their site in the reviews section if you need color help like me lol.

      They have a sale going on rn for their almost perfects so I got two bags instead of just one, the large circle crossbody in sunflower and mesa mini in the smooth black.

    2. I think something like cognac is such a classic leather bag color that it is essentially a neutral and won’t look weird with other colors.

    3. I am cool-toned and wear shades of blue pretty much every day. My daughter calls me Blueberry.

      And my Portland leather mini tote is one of the warm brown shades – I think it’s called honey. I love it, it goes with everything. And I think I bought the imperfect and can’t even tell where the imperfection is. It’s my almost every day bag, I’ve had it for about 2 years, and it looks more or less the same as I bought it.

  13. We’re getting a four month old puppy in a couple weeks. He was going through service training but while passing all the tests, was a bit too distractable for a service dog so they decided he should go to a family, so he already has a fair amount of training. We have a ten year old dog already so we’ve done this before but it’s been a while.

    How did you get your home ready for a puppy? We have small kids this time around and they’re great with dogs, but I’m worried about their toys and things being everywhere. What have others in that situation done? We’re definitely going to have a fenced off safe space in the kitchen but he obviously won’t be there all the time.

    Other tips? We both work outside the home but I can come home at lunch. We’re also going to have our (willing) nanny help with taking him out during the day so I think his schedule should be okay. He’s already been crate trained although I assume we’ll have to do that again with a new crate in a new house.

    1. Put away shoes, remotes, computer chargers… anything the dog can chew. In the beginning you basically want them either in a space space (if he’s crate trained, great) or under close supervision because they can cause all kinds of trouble. Puppies need quiet time and can get overstimulated, so make sure the kids know to let the puppy be so he can get some naps in – overstimulated pups will bite and be destructive. Puppies bite, it’s a normal thing, but be careful they don’t hurt your kids and have plenty of safe toys and chews to bite on. Make sure the sitter knows where the potty area is and when to take them – at that age for successful potty training you need to take them out every two hours.

    2. If he’s crate trained, keep that going. When he’s out of his crate it should be supervised time. That way the toys are safe. Of course he needs his own toys so he knows what’s ok to chew on.

    3. Figure out the “leave it”/”drop it” command early so kids’ favorite toys don’t get chewed.

  14. Out of curiosity, does anyone here have Sjogren’s syndrome? Were you positive for it the first time you took the test or is it maybe something you had to test for a few times as the symptoms got worse?

    1. Replying late…got diagnosed after a diagnosis for small fiber neuropathy. It’s a presumptive diagnosis without doing the biopsy in the mouth area. My rheumatologist advised against getting the biopsy, as did someone else I know who had complications from the biopsy.

      I didn’t realize I had Sjogren’s at the time (one year ago) that I got the presumptive diagnosis but I can see it was a correct diagnosis.

  15. Does anyone know where I can find nice clip-on or magnet earrings? Preferably gold pendants. My ears aren’t pierced and I usually wear a necklace, but I bought a nice halter-neck gown for a black tie wedding, and it would look nicest with an updo and pretty earrings.

    1. Okay this is unconventional, but my daughter’s jewelry from a brand called Super Smalls is very fun and I bet could pass for grown up jewelry. May not be the style you’re looking for, but throwing it out as a festive option for those who might be looking!

    2. Etsy is my spot for clip-ons. The seller “LifeEssentialsCanada” has some very nice gold tone options.

      1. Ooh thanks! I’m looking at their selection and they have a lot of cute ones for very reasonable prices.

    5. I’d search ebay for antique screwback earrings- there’s tons of vintage options since most people have pierced ears these days. IMHO clip ons + magnets are really uncomfortable after an hour or 2.

  16. Two-tone watches (stainless steel and yellow gold), yea or nay? I have a platinum wedding ring set and all of my watches are stainless steel, but I want to wear gold earrings. I can’t get seem to get into the “mixing metals is perfectly fine” mindset.

    1. Strong yes. I have worn a two-tone watch every day of my life for the last two decades. Do it!!!

    2. People spend thousands of dollars on two-tone metal watches. It’s perfectly fine and no one will blink an eye.

    4. Yes! I inherited a Cartier Tank watch that’s gold and stainless when I was in my early 20s. For the last 20 years, I’ve worn it pretty much every day. It looks great dressed up and casual.

    6. Absolutely fine. I wear a stainless steel watch with gold all the time, too, fwiw. I don’t understand the aversion to mixing metals at all.

  17. Question from a conversation I had over the weekend – What is a wearable item that a woman can buy that is timeless? This person’s budget is up to $5000, and they don’t have pierced ears. The only timeless items I could think of were a watch or a birkin bag (but that’s way more than $5,000!!!!!!). It doesn’t need to be an investment/go up in value, but something that will last for decades and be stylish for decades is what we were trying to figure out.

    2. I think that black quilted Chanel handbag with the chain strap is classic. I’m sure it has a name, but I have no idea what it is.

        1. I also got a used classic Chanel flap in excellent condition for $5K as well, only mine was a large size. For resale Chanel, the price actually has an inverse relationship to the size. Smaller are considered more desirable, so tend to be more expensive. So you got a great deal SA! :)

    4. I would think a Burberry trench fits here. Also, a diamond solitaire necklace. and +1 to the Chanel bag mentioned.

    5. I would go jewelry for that sum of money, but I’m not a bag/shoe person. I like rings and bracelets because then I get to look at them but also love a good necklace. If not jewelry, I’d probably do nice coat or blazer – which are slightly less impacted by weight changes which is always on my mind with investment pieces!

    6. I think it very much depends on the person and their style. If they really want jewelry I’d definitely say a watch (Cartier/Rolex/Hermes would be my top picks, in order). Alternately, ‘by the yard’ diamond necklace or bracelet, a double strand of sizeable pearls with a fun clasp (visual below), a ‘classic’ piece from a designer (think the bone cuffs from Tiffany’s, an Alhambra necklace or bracelet, a cartier love necklace, etc.).
      https://www.beladora.com/products/514422-double-strand-pearl-necklace-with-diamond-clasp-in-18k-gold

    7. I have a Cartier Tank watch that I think is timeless. I love watches though.

      I lean classic jewelry/watches.

    8. based on what I’m still wearing from nice gifts 20 years ago- Burberry trench, diamonds by the yard necklace, pearl and diamond earrings.

    9. My investment piece is my long shearling winter coat. I live in Chicago. I bought it almost 20 years ago at Nordstrom, and it is still gorgeous and is a classic yet interesting style (gorgeous neckline). Almost every time I wear it in Chicago, someone comes up to me and says something longingly. I love it, and knew I wanted it since I was a child.

      I’m not a jewelry person (just wear classic simple pieces), and certainly not a Birkin person.

      Gorgeous shoes and coats… that’s me.

        1. Thanks! It seems like diamond studs are the consistent answer (and makes sense)… however, neither one of us have our ears pierced nor plan on doing so. Adds a whole level of challenge to the question.

    11. Depending on their style, a standard size Lady Dior in a neutral color could fit the bill

    12. Max Mara Icon coat. Or at least that’s what I would get myself on that type of budget.

    14. Another vote for jewelry! But instead of the run of the mill pieces from Blue Nile, Brilliant Earth, or other mall jewelers, perhaps look at unique pieces from designers for that price range.

      If you’re in the PNW, Twist has stores in Seattle and Portland (and also is online) and carries a long list of designers. I’ve been window shopping / drooling over their website for years…and my dream jewelry box will be filled with Jennie Kwon, Anita Ko, Todd Pownell, and Artemer.

    15. I would get a watch (omega, cartier etc) or gold jewellery…necklace, bracelet earrings. No bags, this is the time to invest in something that might be an heirloom.

    16. Have some fun with this — fly to Bangkok, and spend the remainder of the budget on fabulous diamond, sapphire, and ruby rings at Jhonny’s Gems! (They will appraise at more than $5,000 upon return to the United States.)

  18. Fave cocktails that are not super high in alcohol?looking for a new option for upcoming work celebration, tired of my usuals

    2. I don’t love mimosas, but a combo of Prosecco + any type of fruit juice or muddled fruit is fun. You could cut the Prosecco with seltzer to make it more of a spritzer.

      I also love Palomas, and it’d be easy to play with the proportions so you’re not using much tequila.

    4. I’ve asked bartenders to make a drink with a half-shot instead of a full and they’ve always been happy to.

    5. Google “long drinks” and see what strikes your fancy.
      I used to go to a bar that did a Wray and Ting cocktail. The Ting grapefruit soda is SO good, and a little of the rum goes a long way.

  19. Many thanks to those who recommended Lessons in Chemistry! Delightful book. I loved the dry humor and emotional depth. The main character and the dog were lovely. Any recommendations for a book with a similar feel? I haven’t read anything else from the author, are her other books just as good?

    2. Different author — but I would check out “Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine” (if you haven’t already)

    3. Nettle and Bone, it’s more in the fantasy realm but has a great main character and a dog that make the whole book amazing. Gist of the story is it takes standard fairy tale and makes the female the hero.

    4. not the same author (IIRC that was her debut novel) but Where’d You Go Bernad3tt3 might scratch a similar itch?

    5. Funny, everyone I know absolutely loved that book, but it didn’t do it for me. I feel like a curmudgeon when I see and agree with negative Goodreads reviews of mega-popular ones but so it is.

      Someone I know who loved the book said she also loved Remarkably Bright Creatures this year.

      1. I didn’t like it either, and my mom (who is a scientist of roughly the same era) hated it.

      2. Eh it was basically a beach read for me, and it was good slotted into that format. I read it in a few hours and I don’t think it’s gonna change the world.

    6. The Rosie Project is a similar feel, although it’s several years old by now, old enough that there is at least one sequel.

  20. Napa or Sonoma travel recs? Relatedly, I am trying to plan a girls trip in the fall; it seems like double rooms are going for 700/night for the weekend. Wondering if it’s worth it to splurge on lodging or if we should just find an Airbnb’s.

    1. You know your budget best, but 700 is not worth it for Napa IMO. I’ll pay that for a dreamy resort in the Caribbean or a great view of ocean or mountains, but the fancy hotels in Napa are just hotels with nothing really special about them. Can you stay a little further away? IIRC there’s a Fairfield Inn in American Canyon that’s not fancy but perfectly nice and pretty cheap.

      1. Good grief do not go to the Fairfield Inn. I completely disagree that Napa and Sonoma hotels aren’t worth it. They are lovely, especially if you stay at the luxe resorts. My favorites are Indian Springs, Auberge, Meadowood, and Madrona Manor. For a budget option in Calistoga, Dr Wilkinson’s is very charming. Also head over to Russian River, the Boon Hotel and the Highlands resorts are both lovely, so is Dawn Ranch Lodge.

  21. Any recommendations for alternatives to the Peloton app? They sent out the email that they were doubling prices a few months ago, and I was back to the gym in person so that inspired me to cancel. Now I’m looking to supplement my gym workouts without leaving the house and wishing I hadn’t cancelled so fast, especially since they were freezing prior members at the old rates until the end of the year! I think I’m just going to suck it up and go back to Peloton, but if there are good alternatives to try I’d love to do that first. I’m specifically looking for bike workouts that I can do on my non-peloton bike, but I also really liked the strength workouts as well.

    1. I really like Apple fitness. I prefer their bike workouts to Peloton, plus the treadmill ones are really good. They have strength, yoga, pilattes, basically everything you can think of.

    3. Another vote for Apple fitness.

      Also a reminder to check if your health insurance offers a subscription to Peloton as a benefit. Mine does both Apple and Peloton subscriptions.

    4. Highly recommend the Les Mills app but have zero experience with their cycling classes so YMMV. However – good app with lots of available class types and not super super spendy

    5. Late reply, but I’ve tried both Apple and Peloton and definitely prefer Peloton. I prefer the instructor variety, the classes, etc. But it’s worth a try with Apple to see what you think.

  22. Has anyone gone from being a pet person to not wanting to do that anymore? I adore cats. I had a cat for 18 years and it was so sad when he passed. Then we tried getting another cat, and it was an unmitigated disaster and we unfortunately rehomed him. Trust me when I say we tried everything, including getting a behaviorist involved, and I still feel bad about it.

    It’s now been 6 months since we rehomed the cat. I’ve become everyone’s go-to person for cat sitting when they’re out of town because I like animals. But the longer time goes on, the less I find myself wanting another pet in our home. I am enjoying not having to clean the litter box all the time and sweep up fur. My house is undoubtedly cleaner, even though I always stayed on top of vacuuming and stuff. I like the freedom of not worrying about another living creature. DH is not a super pet person but went along with it. Problem is, my kids are begging for another cat. And since they have known life with pets, I’m sure the answer that “Mom is so done with pets” will not go over well. I’m not asking for advice on whether to get one or not, because I’m about 90% sure that the answer is no. I’m mostly just surprised at this about-face and wonder if it’s pretty normal for people who have had pets for a long time.

    1. I think it’s very normal. I love animals, but there are many things that are great about not having them. I’ve talked with multiple people about how if you want to keep having pets in the house, it’s often best to get a new one shortly after a pet passes away, because you don’t have time to get out of the habits of animal caretaking. It’s not that you become “not a pet person” – you just get out of the habit.

    2. Me! I grew up with and love pets. I now love to give attention to other people’s pets. Raising children is enough caregiving and being responsible for someone else for me. I don’t want the tough parts of having a dog, which means I will not get a dog.

    3. We went for a several year period after our cat died in the aughts, then some feral kittens found us and we now have two 13 year old bros. When they go I expect we will take another break. I love animals, all of them. I’m the kind of person who get places slowly because I have to pet every outdoor cat we pass, and every dog who appears friendly (I ask the owner first.) But I agree that I won’t miss the litter box, the fur everywhere, and most of all the vet bills!

    4. No personal experience, but the answer that I got about stuff like that was “when you’re a grownup, you can decide whether to XYZ in your house” :)

    5. I am for sure taking a break from pets after my current crew is no longer with me. I have dogs who can’t be boarded and it’s been impossible to find someone who will stay with them when I need/want to travel (understandably!). I also am DONE with cat litter boxes and always being worried my house smells like animal (I am sure it does despite all my best efforts). I want to be able to be spontaneous and it’s near impossible with two aging rescue dogs who are challenging and two cats (one who is ancient and gets stressed when I am not here).

      TLDR, yes. I am looking forward to that in my future as much as I love my current pets!

      1. This. We’ve already told our kid that once our current elderly dog passes we aren’t getting another one. The dog is a total sweetheart but elderly dog care is a LOT. Dogs make cats look easy so I don’t mind having cats for a good long time as our compromise (both cats are under five so we should have at least ten more years) but I would likely take a break after that too.
        Our kid has already talked about wanting to start volunteering at our local shelter to get his ‘cute animal’ fix in the future – maybe encourage that?

    6. This. We’ve already told our kid that once our current elderly dog passes we aren’t getting another one. The dog is a total sweetheart but elderly dog care is a LOT. Dogs make cats look easy so I don’t mind having cats for a good long time as our compromise (both cats are under five so we should have at least ten more years) but I would likely take a break after that too.
      Our kid has already talked about wanting to start volunteering at our local shelter to get his ‘cute animal’ fix in the future – maybe encourage that?

    7. You went through a lot – a pet who couldn’t acclimate to your home and a very elderly pet. That often wears people out and they need a break.

      Take the break. Maybe the break is going to be 20 years long or maybe you’ll get a cat at this time next year. Tell your kids that it was a lot of emotional turmoil, stress, and money, and you’re going to take a break from pets for a while.

      1. +1. Our senior dog recently died and we are taking a break. We will definitely get another dog in the future, but we just aren’t ready yet.

      2. +1. Our senior dog recently died and we are taking a break. We will definitely get another dog in the future, but we just aren’t ready yet.

    8. Yep. I was always a huge dog person. I had one growing up and we adopted one pre-kid that we thought of us our baby. Then we had a real baby and now our dog is just a dog (people told me this would happen while I was pregnant and I found it annoying, but it turned out to be true for me at least). Our dog is elderly and I have zero desire to replace her when she dies. We spend probably $5k per year and a lot of time on her. We travel a lot and it’s annoying and expensive finding care for her every time. Fortunately our kid is not a dog person at all – they ignore each other and always have. Kiddo wants a cat but I have serious allergies to that’s not on the table and we’ve told her she can get one as an adult. DH would be the one who begs for another dog when our dog dies, and I think even he’s coming around to not having one.

    9. my parents did when they retired, and started traveling for a few weeks at a time 1+ times per year. It happens!
      if you still want to be around animals and don’t want the full time responsibility, in addition to cat sitting, maybe see if there are shelters nearby where you could get your cat fix then head home to your cat-free home? I can’t have cats in my house due to family allergies, so I go (and being my non-allergic kids) to a cat shelter to volunteer every two weeks for a couple hours at a time

      1. Yes, after a lifetime of pets of all kinds, my parents have decided they’re done with pets now that they’re close to retiring. It happens!

    10. I had cats for my whole life, and then when I ran away from my former husband I was pet-free for 6 or 7 years until we got our pandemic kitties. It was a nice break and I enjoyed being footloose and fancy free!

    11. I’ve taken a pet break for 6 years after my 18 year old cat died. Tell the kids you are taking a break for now. Take them volunteering at the humane society or something if they need cat cuddles.

    12. Require that the kids will have to do the litter boxes and sweep and vacuum. It sounds as if they’re old enough for chores. If they want a cat, they can take care of it.

    13. Very normal.
      We are coming up on one year without pets after 20 years of having them one after another. We still love animals, we just don’t want to own any at this point in our lives.

    14. I am too heartbroken after losing two within a year. I think every time I give a new dog a walk I will feel guilty for the walks I skipped with my two. I don’t think I can ever have another of my own. I don’t think I can love another like I did. I don’t want to. My BF has one and I care for him when we are together.

      1. I’m so sorry. :( I also question whether I can love any animal the way I loved that first one.

    15. It’s normal, especially if the pet was high maintenance indoors (the pet sheds, requires a litter box, is big and jumps, barks loudly, etc). Once you get used to a clean quiet house it’s hard to go back. FWIW my relative wasn’t a fan of dog ownership but put up with it for the kids. When doggo passed she bluntly told her kids they’re not getting a dog again simply because she doesn’t like it. They survived.

  23. I have a personal finance question, because I always find those conversations so interesting (and detailed!) when they come up. I’m noticing there’s a disjunction between what I consider safe/ok when planning for the future, and what some of the discussions here. My family earns about 175K per year in a VHCOL area, and it’s unlikely there’s substantial room for future growth. We’re both 40. We have no real debt and about 400k set aside for retirement. We do not max our retirement accounts, nor would we really be able to given our two young kids – we save about 25K per year total. I was worried about retirement for a long time, but since we hit 350K+, I feel like we are doing alright. We’ll end up at standard retirement age with what I consider to be enough (God willing!). The advice here seems to be: max out both 401Ks and maybe you’ll inch over the “finish line.” Are our aspirations just more modest? Am I being totally off board by thinking that if we retire with just over 2million, or 2.5million if the markets are kind, we’ll be ok? (And yes – I absolutely know this is all personal and we can’t predict the future with certainty!). This is just one area of my life that finally felt a bit free from anxiety, and now I’m thinking maybe I’m being a bit cavalier? Orrrrr maybe it’s just my anxiety raising its head again.

    1. There’s really no way to determine what’s “enough.” People who want a modest retirement and die young might be fine on $5M in assets due to healthcare costs. The biggest variables that are out of your control are how long you’ll live and how long you’ll need assisted living, which is incredibly expensive. Most people will go on Medicaid if they outlive their savings.

      We have a similar income in a lower cost of living area and similar cash savings, along with >$600k home equity (and I think home equity counts, since you would normally sell your home once you need assisted living). We currently save about $40-45k/year. I have no idea if it will be enough, but I’m not interested in cutting back to save more. A long, healthy retirement isn’t guaranteed.

    2. Oops, words got deleted – people who die young might be fine on $5M due to healthcare costs.

    3. OMG how do I keep typing this wrong!? What I’m trying to say is that people who die young might be fine on less than $1M, not $5M. But other people who live long lives and need lots of care at the end will need lots more.

      1. “But other people who live long lives and need lots of care at the end will need lots more.”

        But it’s nearly impossible to know this in advance, and for many people (and I am one of them), I am not going to pinch every penny and go without travel, occasional meals in nice restaurants, good times with friends and family, etc. to try to save millions and millions of dollars for the future. Our finance stats are very close to Turtlemania’s, and we’re fine with where we’re at and what we’re doing. We have simple tastes and enjoy doing a lot of outdoor things that don’t take a lot of money, and we don’t need anything close to what we’re making now to enjoy a good retirement.

        Also: I’ve said this here before but people who live decades in a nursing home are outliers, and the majority of those folks end up on Medicaid even if they start out with a lot of money. Average nursing-home stays are somewhere between 90 days and 5 months, after which point people die, not infrequently because living in a nursing home enables transmission of communicable illness to vulnerable people. Frankly, if I end up in a nursing home I hope I die fast, and plan to take advantage of my state’s Death With Dignity statute if I get a terminal illness so that I don’t have to spend years of my life in a nursing home. There are things that are worse than death.

        I will also just say: it’s fascinating that some folks here seem to have no close relationships with partners or family members, few friends, and not very many hobbies or opportunities to have good times, and yet they cling to the idea of extending their life as long as possible and fervently avoid any remote risk of early death. Is this like a “hope springs eternal” thing, and maybe in the nursing home you’ll finally meet your soul mate, or something?

        1. I agree it’s impossible to know.

          I don’t think it’s about lack of close family members. I’m happily married and have kids, but I don’t want to burden them in my old age. Also it’s not normally safe to have dementia patients at home without round the clock care. My grandmother had two devoted daughters, plus grandkids and their spouses, but it wasn’t safe to have her at home without a 24:7 caregiver. No one can be expected to do that so you need paid care or a unicorn situation where several adult family members live close and all share a heavy caregiving burden, which is definitely not the norm in the US.

          Dying voluntarily is very complicated. My mom does not want to live with dementia so it’s something I’ve researched and discussed with her a lot. But dementia isn’t normally a terminal illness for purposes of physician assisted suicide and my ability to help is limited because I don’t want to go to jail for manslaughter. The most likely scenario is leaving the country to go to one of those suicide clinics in Switzerland but not everyone has the resources to do that.

    4. There are some non-money dynamic factors that matter here:
      * what is your health like?
      * can you afford to buy long term care insurance (we bought for both of us when the older partner turned 50 – Genworth)

      1. Also, before you rely exclusively on Medicaid being available, find some data about how your state administers its Medicaid block grant — not only what the eligibility rules are but what the results are for people who apply and are rejected versus people who apply and get enrolled. This is a major area in which states differ.

      2. +1 I’m learning in real time what my MIL is needing to do so FIL can qualify for long term care. Long term care insurance would have made a huge difference. Even after meeting with an elder attorney the options for a surviving spouse with a healthy retirement savings is very limited.

    5. Hard to say for all the reasons you stated. But in order to get a sense of whether $2M are enough, I’d play around with some retirement calculators after thinking about my likely expenses in retirement age. There are a lot of assumptions in how much you will need to live on when you retire. Some of them (healthcare) are a guess, but others (housing cost, are you planning to travel, will you have side income, will you want to support kids or grandkids) you can try to figure out ahead of time. A lot of people assume they will need only a percentage of their last salary in retirement, because you no longer save for retirement and kids are out of the house. Just figure out if those cost savings are eaten up elsewhere before you rely on it.

    6. Someone with a family history of living until 100 and needing many years of care is probably going to see things differently that someone with a family history of living independently and then dropping dead suddenly at 70.

      I think you have to model your expected expenses, unexpected but possible expenses (like extra care), and what you’re on track to amass by the time you retire and decide if it looks good to you. You probably can’t save enough for any possible outcome, but do you have enough for your most likely range of outcomes? If it’s not enough, is it possible for your to save more without undue burden now?

      The average US worker is served well by saving as much as they can, but can’t possibly save for every possibility. I don’t see the point in stressing if you’re saving as much as you can, but it won’t be enough to cover every possibility.

    7. There are some calculators online you can look at and play around with to see what kind of income you will have if you’ve saved X, Y, Z amount. I’d definitely recommend playing around with those a bit to see if that’s in the ballpark of what you think will be reasonable for whatever standard of living you want and will be reasonable.

      I was the poster who said above that the vast majority of people don’t max out retirement vehicles, and most people will be fine in retirement. I do truly believe that if MOST retirees are homeless or completely destitute when it’s time for me to retire, then this country has larger problems than my bank balance, which probably won’t matter anymore. I’m not saying that there will definitely be enough services or what have you available for me to totally live it up. But what I know is that I’m doing the best I can (I can’t afford to save $30k+ for retirement each year), and so that will have to be good enough.

      You’d be cavalier if you felt like it’ll all work out no matter what and you’re not saving at all or being frivolous. But there’s no reason to stress out and feel like you have to have $100 million in the bank just to avoid eating scavenged cat food.

    8. My take is that there are a lot of women here who (1) make much more that your household income; (2) live in VHCOL areas; (3) want to be able to maintain their current level of spending in retirement; (4) don’t intend to spend down their principal; and (5) do not want to end up on Medicaid if they need long-term care.

      Those are all admirable goals. They are also completely unachievable for most people in a country where the median household income is $70K. Your projected savings goal will make you much, much, much better off than the vast majority of people.

      The reality is that it is always a balancing act. You can save every penny and drop dead at 65 without having done any of the things that you always meant to do. You could live to 99 and end up in a Medicaid nursing home. There is no right answer, only your personal risk tolerance and priorities.

    9. Add me to those who think it is impossible to know, but I think about it a lot. My plan to stretch my retirement savings is to (1) keep working, at least part-time, for as long as it is fun and feasible to do so, because I don’t like what I’ve seen from my family members who have retired to do nothing; (2) make sure my house is paid off before retirement (it was, and then I bought a new one); (3) stay in my house for as long as possible, since moving is expensive; (4) start Social Security late; (5) resist the urge to maintain a second home; and (6) ensure that my family knows I have no interest in living to be 112. With all of these measures in place, I figure I can actually live fine on Social Security alone if I life to 100 and have run through all of my other assets.

      1. Working past 75 is huge if you can do it. My parents are just now retiring in their mid-70s and the last decade took them from very comfortable to downright wealthy. Don’t underestimate the value of adding to retirement savings at an age where you’d normally be draining them.

  24. Lady professionals….what type of attorney do I hire for a cohabitation agreement in NY state?
    Tips? Idea of potential cost?

    1. Matrimonial or family lawyer would be your best bet. Some trusts and estates lawyers would also do it for you, but you would be better off with a matrimonial lawyer IMO (and I say that as a T&E lawyer). Cost will vary widely depending on the firm.

    2. Definitely go with a family law attorney. Call around for information on costs as this is going to really be region/area specific. Some firms will do it on a flat fee others will charge their hourly rate. This is definitely something that I’d go with a solo or very small firm for due to how standard it should be and for a lower flat fee or rate.

    3. My tip? Don’t do it. Move in when you’re getting married not before. If you’re getting married, your odds of not breaking up are a lot better than they are now. And you’ll be able to decide what works for you then, a prenup/no prenup, etc.

      1. Don’t live together before getting married? As totally unsolicited advice?

        How does it feel when the time-travel machine reaches max speed? What was the most shocking difference you have noticed so far between 1956 and now?

        1. She asked for tips. I have zero moral objections so put the Time Machine away. It’s financially stupid to give someone the right to make a mess of your primary asset. I wouldn’t do it unless I was getting married. Then at least there’s better odds.

        3. I don’t think it’s terrible advice. When you get to the point of trying to get the same legal protections as being married without getting married, it seems like more trouble than it’s worth. Unless of course you don’t like the marriage laws and think different terms should apply. But, it is a problem that society has already solved. Maybe I’m lazy?

      2. I don’t know anyone who gets married before living together. It’s pretty common these days and it’s a very smart financial move to poor resources if you think you will be with this person long term.

    4. Good for you for thinking about this and doing something about it. One of my best friends who is one of the smartest and most highly educated people I know bought a house with her partner – they do not intend to marry and do not have any documented agreement about who pays what or what happens to the house if one of them were to die. I keep telling my friend that she might end up owning the property with her partner’s parents or sibling, neither of which are friendly relationships, because my friend doesn’t know whether her partner did any estate planning before they met and also doesn’t know what the state inheritance laws are. All I do know is that she won’t own the other half of the house if he were to die. So, definitely get your arrangement documented!

Comments are closed.