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This top isn't for everyone, but I think it would make a great statement top for a night out or a dressy day event. It does look like the back is a bit sheer, so do note that.
If you do want to wear a third piece on top to hide the sheer back (or just for more coverage), I've been trying to decide what topper would look best for this, if any — an oversized blazer? a slouchy cardigan worn off the shoulder? (I think I was inspired by this pretty cardigan at Sézanne.) Hmmn. Do weigh in, readers!
The top is available for $350 at Shopbop (where it's among the editors' picks) and at Amazon.
If you're looking for a dupe, this smocked top from Frame is kind of similar for $158, and there are lucky sizes left of this similar top for under $40.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anon
How to handle my late husband’s mother (my MIL still, I guess…I was widowed 5 years ago at age 28, with one child) who has recently become a “Trumper/conspiracy theorist”? She posts on social media usually 4-5 times a day about all things Trump, stolen election, etc., and many others in my circle take note. She doesn’t push any of these theories on me or my son (he’s 5), but it’s SO MUCH. I want to cut her out…but my FIL isn’t’ like this AT ALL, and I logistically need their help to be a FT working mom (no other family nearby & I need childcare when I have volunteer things or need a break, rides to/from preschool).
Anonymous
Just block her posts or unfollow her.
Anon
You mute her on social and don’t talk politics with her.
If people in your circle “take note,” tell them with a completely straight face that you will ask your husband to speak to her about it. Busybodies and their b1tchy little comments aren’t deserving of respect.
Anon
That could be a problem unless she hires a medium . . .
Anon
That’s the point. It’s crass to make nasty little comments to someone about their own families; it’s beyond the pale to do so about her *dead husband’s mother.* You watch with a stony glare as the woman fumbles around trying to justify her petty little shots about your dead husband’s own mother.
Polite society does not tolerate such things.
NYCer
I would mute her on social media. Since it sounds like she otherwise takes good care of your son and does not push her agenda on either of you, I personally would not cut her out of your son’s life. Long term, it is good for your son to have a relationship with his father’s side of the family.
Anonymous
Same. Mute her and carry on.
Anon
Agreed.
Cat
Mute her so you don’t have to see it, and encourage your circle to do the same.
Ses
Yeah, mute and ignore. Preserve the relationship as long as the real world interactions are okay.
For me, social media just doesn’t matter in real life so I don’t even know what my family and friends are posting, only how they act in the real world.
Anon
Unfollow her on social media. I have so many women like this in my life; if they aren’t like this in person, it’s best for me to just shut it off where I’m seeing it.
Anon
I have family like this and you basically completely ignore and segment that part of their lives out of yours. Don’t talk politics ever with them and ignore all comments online.
Anon
Biggest issue is inoculating your kid against her conspiracy theories by, in age appropriate ways, emphasizing the importance of evidence-based decisions, institutions, democracy, the rule of law etc. I remember going with my parents to the polling place when they voted when I was a little older than 5.
Anon
This will rub off on your child?
Anon
In my experience, most people sucked into this don’t actually bring it up w/kids, but honestly I think even a child can tell it’s all cray.
Trish
I’m bothered that you feel so distant from her even though she is your son’s grandmother and that you are using her even though you hate her. Your son will eventually see that you are a hypocrite.
Anon
Whoa, very harsh reaction. Nowhere does she say she “hates” her MIL. I would be concerned about my young child being exposed to this stuff, and I would also question her mental competency, which could in turn affect her ability to be a safe caregiver for the child. This isn’t a policy disagreement over how much the rich should be taxed or whether abortion should be legal; the fact that the MIL is falling for these falsehoods and conspiracy theories suggests she doesn’t have the best judgment and is very gullible — none of that is what I’d want in someone who spends a lot of time with my kid.
Trish
OP is using her for babysitting so she is NOT worried about the politics infecting her son. I am more worried about the message that using people is giving to her son.
Anon
Good grief, she’s a widowed mom of a young kid who works full time. Accepting childcare help from her in-laws doesn’t make her a monster.
Trish
She actually said that if she didn’t need her, she would cut the lady out of her life. Not a monster. Just a hypocrite and user. People who would deprive a child of the dead dad’s granparents over Trump need to think about what kind of message they are sending. My mom was a lifelong Democrat and Fox news got to her brain as she got older. It had zero impact on my son who only has lovely memories of his grandmother.
Anonymous
This. And I am as anti-Trump as they come. But I wouldn’t let being offended by someone’s views on social media justify cutting off ties like that. Do you honestly think the right thing is cutting out your late husband’s father from your son’s life? That’s his grandfather and you’re treating it like the bigger concern is what your “friends” on social might think. Mute her and move on. If you’re raising your kid with the right morals and there’s no immediate threat to safety, then cutting out relationships like that seems drastic. Also, everything you’re writing is about you–what your friends think, what is easiest for childcare, etc. I’d spend more time thinking about him, what your late husband would want, and what those relationships mean in the long term. Reality? Those relationships are more important than Trump (who heaven willing will be gone and forgotten eventually) and especially more important than some snarky “friends” on social. Honestly, I’d be more concerned about those relationships. What kind of friends are doing that? I’m connected on FB with a former coworker who leans Trump and has some out-and-out nuts for friends. But you know what? I would never get into it with her or them on social out of respect for my real-life relationship with her. Your friends should hold real-life you and especially your late husband’s family–your kid’s grandparents– with the same respect, even if they disagree vehemently. If they want to argue with their own family and friends, so be it. But doing what they are doing when you step back and look at it through the lens of real people and real relationships makes it clear they should be just as embarrassed as her with her kooky posts.
Anon
Wow, this is an incredibly unkind response. OP sorry for your loss, it must be really hard to unexpectedly be a single parent and dealing with grief at the same time.
Deedee
it’s ok to mute her on Facebook
do not talk to your father-in-law about it.
Eleanor
Hope I’m not too late to reply! I’m a widow too so completely get the childcare dependence thing, even if it doesn’t play out on quite this way in my circumstances. Although my MIL has some tendencies this way I must admit! I agree with the advice you already have, ie just mute her on Facebook. Once it’s not in your face all the time it’ll be less top of mind. If anyone in your circle raises it with you – which I have to say I think is a bit weird bc how is it something you can control or influence? – I’d just give a sort of slightly confused smile as if you don’t really know what they’re talking about. Which is easier to pull off if you’ve muted her on social media so you genuinely will not know! Definitely not worth cutting her out of your life for this, if she is otherwise fine. You need that help!! I’m not at all worried about it rubbing off on your son, one grandparent’s crazy views just are not that influential. My grandmother believed all kinds of nutso stuff haha.
Trish
It doesn’t sound like you would deprive your kids of their paternal grandparents even if you didn’t need childcare.
Anon
My 22 year old daughter would jump at the chance to own that top. I think that means it’s not for me haha.
Anon
Let me start by saying that this board has given me the BEST advice re: home renovations. I’d like to give a big shout out to whoever told me 5-ish years ago that we would use the patio all the time and to Go Bigger. You all have also selected the paint colors for my bathroom and front door…
We’re at the point where we’ve realized that our first house is going to be our forever house. It’s in a great location on a fantastic dead end street with easy commutes and great schools. We love our neighbors and our lot. We also bought at a time when we got a fabulous interest rate. Well, when we bought our house we had zero kids and working from home wasn’t a thing. Now, we have three kids and it would be really nice to have more space and a real office. I think husband and I have decided to start moving towards a major renovation where we add functionality and an extra bedroom (possibly with an en suite).
First, from a cost standpoint, we are assuming that this will be $150k-200k. This is for 1 bedroom and 1 bathroom plus a new garage (that actually works for us). After this construction, we will have 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms with a den/office. We’re assuming this will take 6 months but really, we have a good contractor who will probably get it done in 2-3.
If you’ve done a project of this scale, what do you wish you had known first? We are still in planning phases and conceptual phases – are there any other considerations you wish you’d had?
Anonymous
You are way, way underbudgeting this. I live in the SF Bay Area, so super high costs of living, but we just did a major renovation where we added two bedrooms and two bathrooms on a new second floor, and it was easily $500k just for that part. If you are expanding out rather than up it will be a little cheaper. It took us a year to do our project, but ours also included a kitchen reno, a new roof, new windows, a new patio, and some other interior work along with the structural engineering required to support the weight of the second story addition. I think if we’d hustled, we could potentially have done it in 9 months but definitely no faster than that. Maybe we just had the worst contractor ever, but my understanding is that these numbers are pretty fair for our area.
Anon
Oh wow. Helpful, thank you! MCOL area.
Anon
If you want a different viewpoint, I’ve done similar projects (large addition of 2 bedrooms/bathroom/kitchen and a separate 3 car garage) and the combined total was around $300k without any major schedule delays. It is very much location dependent. It’s also cheaper to build up than out where I live.
Anonymous
How did you start? Did you start with an architect or with a contractor or a design and build firm?
Anon
I was with you until you said 2-3 and realized you meant months and not years. Perhaps the market is different where you are, but my coworker just completed a MIL suite that literally took 3 years.
Another colleague had their laundry room remodeled and that took a solid 8 months just to install new tile, cabinets, and lighting. Nothing structural.
Anon
Hah! Thanks for the reality check. We’ve done smaller projects with our contractor and they’ve all been quick and efficient. I hear ya though.
Anon
2-3 months is pure fantasy. Are you adding on the first floor only or is this a two-story addition?
For the garage, add small windows high on the wall. It’s nice when the garage isn’t pitch black with the door closed. If you have a mud room attached and you’re already messing with plumbing lines then a big slop sink is great.
Anon
We currently have a garage which was added on in the 60’s which has a single story room on the back with a flat roof. It’s about 10 feet and just was poorly thought out. What we would like to do is basically take off this addition (we think this would be easier than attempting to add onto the top of it) and rebuild as a 2 story space. Garage on the bottom with a bedroom on top.
Time and pricing was loosely based on neighbors who added a 2 car attached garage. Waiting for materials was much longer as was permitting but actual construction was less than a month and I believe was around $60-70K. Their garage just has a storage space above, so we figured we would triple their costs.
Anne-on
Oh gosh, I thought our laundry room/mudroom remodel that took 4.5 months was bad, 8 months would have driven me insane. In all seriousness I’ve decided not having a kitchen for 6 months is probably easier than not having laundry in my home.
NYCer
Expect that it will take LONGER than the contractor’s estimate, not less. Even if you have a good contractor.
Anon
Noted. The way our contractor works is that he doesn’t start anything until he has all the supplies in hand. So, there’s often a wait up front but then the actual construction time is minimized.
But yeah. 9 months – a year sounds more likely.
Anonymous
Getting supplies right now isn’t still an enormous hassle. The supply chains are not back where they were. This could take very long time.
Anon 2.0
This. You need to double, even quadruple, you time expectations.
Anon
I don’t think it will take a whole year, but it’s good to be prepared for both time and cost overruns.
Cat
1. The rule for major reno is to multiply the schedule and budget by 1.5, not the other way around :) I would plan for 9 months…
2. How invasive will the reno be for the spaces you’re living in during that time? For example, is the plumbing stack already convenient to the new bathroom?
3. while the most expensive words you can say during a reno are “while you’re at it” think about any other wish list items that might be accommodated while you’ve got walls open. Move the laundry room next to the new bathroom? Add ethernet so that you can hardwire your workstation and never have wifi interruptions again?
Cat
oh and where do you live? That budget sounds a bit low tbh for a major addition and garage.
Anon
So, it will be inconvenient as we will all be using the Primary Bath for at least 2 months during construction, but the way our house is set up is that this would be replacing an old single story addition. So there is already a separate wiring/plumbing setup on this end of the house.
Good thoughts! Maybe I could move the laundry room out of the basement…. hmmm…. even just making sure that the garage fits all my kids’ sports stuff plus the cars would be good.
Thank you!
Anon
Make it a 2.5 car garage instead of 2. A deeper garage also gives you more storage but you have to shimmy out when you retrieve something. Extra space to the side of the cars gives you a wide runway to fetch bikes, snow blowers, etc. without the risk of scratching your car.
Senior Attorney
+1
Anonymous
Honestly, even 3 car. When you have three teenagers it might make sense to have a 3rd car…
Anne-on
I would seriously think about hiring an architect for a project of this scope unless you/your husband are VERY good at thinking in super granular terms about how you use the space and want it to function. I spent easily 60+ hours deep diving into Houzz/online resources/reading advice from other homeowners to plan our bathroom reno, and then vetted my plans with an architect who is a close friend (yes we paid her for her time) and our (trusted, excellent) contractor. If you don’t have the time or inclination to do that I’d ask around for an architect who can do the plans (if not the full onsite support) for you.
Anon
My FIL is a retired professional engineer and used to draw up building plans and stamp them, so we’re going to be asking his thoughts first (he is the one who actually gave us the idea to take down the garage and do the 2 story addition as the best option based on where everything is in our house. We plan to first get a sense of what we want (hence me talking here) and then work with an architect on flow.
Anonymous
Structural engineer in here. No offense to your FIL, but I would still talk to an architect. You need an architect’s aesthetic and knowledge about the little details and touches (i.e door swings, spacing of windows, etc) that make the outside look good and the inside space feel comfortable. Engineers and architects are not interchangeable but we certainly balance each other out…the yin-yang of a well designed building.
The joke I sometimes make is that if SE’s are to design a building, it’ll be a square box (aka maximum structural efficiency but soul-less). Note that the joke is usually made when an architect’s concept design is not structurally feasible hah.
Ses
I wish I had thought more about HVAC. Unglamorous, but ask questions about airflow and layout and how extending existing systems will work and whether it will necessitate replacement of systems.
Also, setting expectations for what decisions the contractor can make on their own. Ours made some stupid mistakes when he didn’t check with us and just went with what he thought most people would want.
Anon
Good point, thank you!
Senior Attorney
I agree with everybody else who says take the time and money estimates and double them. 2-3 months is just enough time to get warmed up.
In adition to the very good point about adequate HVAC, also make sure you have plenty of electrical outlets, and these days you can have USB outlets put right in to the wall, and I would probably do that.
Anon
lol, you sound like my husband. He really likes a lot of outlet options.
Ses
oh, god – yes electrical outlets. Make sure they’re in the engineering drawings – I had to move or add them in almost every room.
Runcible Spoon
Be sure to install electrical outlets on both sides of the main bedroom bed, inside the closets (to charge mobile phones and other items of a personal nature), and in the bathroom vanity (so a hair dryer can be stored in a drawer, already plugged in). Also electrical outlets in the garage, including heavy-duty outlets for machinery or appliances. Also, consider built-ins, and if you build in a desk area, consider installing a dual electrical outlet just above the desk surface, so you can plug in a power strip and rest it on the desk surface and won’t have to crawl around on the floor to plug in laptop chargers and lamps and the like. Pay attention to lighting — more, not less. If you remodel bathrooms, install stylish grab bars NOW, retain at least one tub in the house, and install high-height oval bowl toilets. Wall-to-wall and counter to ceiling mirrors are great in bathrooms, too.
Senior Attorney
I used to live in a house that was built for an electrical contractor, and there were SO MANY electrical outlets and it was SO GREAT.
Anon
Our new house has outlets every…3 ft or so? It’s kinda wild and overkill.
anon
I have dreamed of in the floor outlets for lamps in the living room.
Anonymous
I don’t know about USB outlets. The standard seems to be moving to USB-C, but most USB outlets I see are still USB-A. It might be better just to have standard outlets and keep changing out removable wall taps as the technology evolves. I wouldn’t want to have to call out an electrician to change out all my outlets every 5 years or so.
KJ
Highly recommend learning to do this yourself. It costs $15 and 15 minutes to change an outlet; electricians will happily charge you $400.
anon
Have you consulted your town’s bylaws about zoning, permits, notice requirements to adjacent property owners, and setbacks? Have you factored these steps into your timeline?
Are you planning to move out of the house during the renovations? (No wrong answer on this one, it should just be part of your planning process.)
If you’re already going down this road, have you considered adding extra living space above or as part of the new garage? How about an accessory dwelling unit/in-law suite? Again, I’m not saying you should, but it’s not like you will want to go back and redo this later if you regret not going for that one additional feature that makes an enormous difference in resale value.
Would you want to install solar on the new garage? If so, that may change the roof design dramatically.
Anon
So when I talk about timeline, I mean just ‘my house is torn up and there are workers in here actively building things’. I don’t consider waiting for permits. But we should be good in terms of setbacks/distance from property line/general layout.
Interesting thought re: inlaw suite… I’m not sure we want an external entrance, but… it might not be a bad idea… Thank you!! You all help me think through all of these things!
Cat
what if… you tear down the original structure and it turns out you need to re-dig a real foundation. Or, you open the walls and find your current wiring isn’t to code. Or…. or… or….
Hope for the best and plan for the worst. Good luck :)
Deedee
I also have seen too much Love It or List It.
Anonymous
If you genuinely mean “forever home” and you’re not just using the phrase to mean “we see no reason to move in the next 10-15 years,” then make sure that anything new you design takes into account how you want to use the areas after your children grow up and leave the house. Do you want an to allow one of those bedrooms to function as an in-law suite /separate entrance/kitchenette? Do you want to plan that bathroom for aging and reduced mobility?
Runcible Spoon
Yes, and try to avoid narrow door openings, to allow for wheelchairs in future. Also, add in all the minor maintenance projects that have been deferred (repainting scuffed walls, any repairs), because any cost associated with a major improvement counts as a capital improvement for income tax purposes (although you should check with a tax professional to make sure).
Anonymous
I would be comfortable with this costing $300-350k before you proceed. You may want to get a design/builder in, or have the GC you’ve worked with before give you a formal quote.
We did a project that was a bit different than yours (built a 3 car garage, a huge mudroom with stairs, and finished a basement which included a full bath that had already been plumbed, plus extensive site work). We thought it would be $200k-ish (no kitchens!! Bathroom was already there! Not a scrap of hardwood other than the stairs!). It was over $300k (there are somethings, like driveway work, I’m leaving out of the total for comparison).
Just to re do the columns on our front porch and add bluestone on top of the concrete would have been $35k.
This was in 2018.
Anonnn
This makes me nervous; my entire house cost <$300k. Is it a bad idea to invest in this kind of expansion to a smaller house that is realistically not going to double in value just because of an addition?
Anonymous
Are you the OP? I posted about the $300-350k project above. In many many areas, an addition costs more than new construction. You have to un-do everything, then build it and tie it in.
If your question is “will I make money on my addition?” And your timeline is <10 years, the answer is certainly no. But it’s not all about money.
For us, our house cost $700k, we put $350-400k into it (we did more than the addition). The market now has our house as about $1.1M so we are about break even. But…if we’d done nothing to the house it would probably be worth $850k now so if we were in it purely for the money the smart move would have been to do nothing and profit $150k.
But our house works really well for us now. We have an amazing garage, a better flow to the house, and a backyard space that didn’t exit before (it was created as part of the addition). We also have a 1400sq fT finished basement with 2 offices, a full bath, and a family room that was previously a nasty 2 car garage, dingy laundry room with a random toilet in it, some musty cedar closets and a weird semi finished storage room.
Anon
Agree, your budget is very very low for what you’re talking about. I’d be thinking 300-500k easily today. On the investment side, it just depends on how you’re looking at it. If you love the area and plan to stay, it could be well worth spending the money. If you’re meh on it all and just trying to solve for space, it may make more sense to move. I also wouldn’t plan to live there during massive construction like you’re talking about – the noise and dust will drive you crazy.
Anonymous
I posted above but to your actual question- while you are renovating, consider:
– does the kitchen need expansion? Is now a good time?
– is the laundry situation good? Can it be moved to a 2nd floor (we did this and it’s the best).
– do you have hardwoods? Can you /should you refinish them while things are a mess?
– do you have a mudroom/school and sport stuff drop zone that works for you? Can you add one?
– are your kids going to be of driving age in this house? If they’ll have a car, where will it park?
– aging family- is this a consideration?
– replacement of roof/painting the house- how will the addition tie into the existing building and should you just repaint everything?
– add smart switches to the new rooms
– upgrade any electrical (eg we moved to 200 amp service for an extra $1500 and also had a generator added- not in the $$ quote above!).
Anonymous
Think about how you will want to use the spaces when you age in place.
OOO
Staying on brand this time!
What do you put in your Out of Office message if you will be gone for a week?
Cat
That I’m out of office and will be returning Weekday, Month Date. Sometimes identify some FAQ contact people like “for X initiative, contact Jane, for Y initiative, contact Joe.”
Ses
this
Anon
Same. “For immediate assistance on XYZ, contact [name].”
Anon 2.0
I list who to contact in my absence and the estimated time I intend to respond to all emails by. I also work in an area where you cannot just leave things alone though, someone has to at least offer bare minimum coverage when I’m gone.
Anon
“I’m out of the office with limited access to email until Tuesday, Sept. 5. If this is urgent please contact [name and email].”
I now say I have limited access to email regardless of where I’m going, although it originated with vacations to a rural area where I really didn’t have any cell phone reception. I don’t want to have to deal with any emails while I’m gone, and this is (marginally) acceptable in my workplace.
Anon
My internal OOO message always gives a little fun info about what I am doing in addition to what others have already said. I find it makes people more hesitant to bother me with something “urgent.” (Nothing I do should be urgent.) I have also found that my coworkers ask about my trip when I get back which is fun! Of course, if you’re out for something you don’t want to share, ignore this.
External OOO is boring and standard same as above!
Anonymous
I would think about security before announcing a trip this way. I don’t broadcast exactly where I am on social in real time either.
Anon
Agree. It would also be kind of tone deaf if you frequently travel to nicer places than your colleagues (which is my situation). Know your workplace I guess, but I try to keep it on the down low that I usually go to the Caribbean or Europe because for so many of my colleagues vacation is camping in a state park.
Anon
I do the same thing, ignore the haters, I’m sure you know how to calibrate for your office.
Runcible Spoon
In addition to the usual language, I add that I will be monitoring emails, although my responses may be delayed; for immediate assistance, please try contacting [name of colleague] at [phone number]. I sometimes indicate I will be in meetings all day with a limited access to emails, and sometimes I indicate I will be away “on travel” (which can help allay any concerns about a delayed response, because I could be on an intercontinental flight or something). In my field, I have to stay on top of developments, and might go ahead and engage while on leave, as it could be easier to take care of a matter rather than wait for my return or have a colleague handle it.
Tea/Coffee
Depends on the situation. Always Day X through Day Y bc I tend to put my OOO up at noon on my last day in the office.
If it’s a really-truly vacation where I am not available, I state “extremely limited access to email and voicemail. For Topic A pls contact Mary, for Topic B pls contact John.” This is bc I regularly take time away from the office but we aren’t going anywhere, and I’ll happily check email or look at a document, but won’t take meetings. Gotta distinguish between the two situations for me but YMMV
Anonymous
I usually say whether I am on business travel or vacation so folks know how interruptible I am.
Anon
Dates I’m out, alternate contact, my lack of access to email and my intention to reply on return (I.e., not during.) In one role I’d list my return date as the day after I was back in office, to avoid irate emails at 6 AM complaining I hadn’t replied yet. I also start my OOO a few hours before I leave so people know not to expect a reply. If someone died, I call it “bereavement leave”, although we don’t receive it. It’s the one thing people respect.
Anon
Can someone talk me through ceramides vs peptides vs hyaluronic acid? Do I need them all? I keep trying to figure it out online but everything is either an advertorial or a straight up ad.
I already use tretinoin and am an avid user of Asian sunscreens, so I have the big guns covered.
Anonymous
I’ve used peptides and hyaluronic acid in the past and haven’t noticed a difference tbh. I’ve just had the hyaluronic acid from trader joe, but the peptides were the good Drunk Elephant ones.
AnoNL
You don’t ‘need’ any of those [ceramides, peptides, hyaluronic acid]. They are formulated to moisturize the skin – which your sunscreen already does. I assume you are using some moisturizer underneath the tretinoin cream, check what it contains – there is a good chance it already contains ceramides, niacinamide, hyaluronic acid and more. If not, I can highly recommend Ceramide night PM cream or Ceramide retinol serum – they have great composition, work well with tretinoin and are cheap.
Someone else asked about peptides few days back and there is very limited clinical evidence they do anything [when applied topically]. I buy Paula’s Choice Pepetide Booster from time to time and while I like what it does for my skin [more even skin tone], it is not a must-have and I buy it because I like it, not because I need it in my skincare routine.
Stick with your Asian SPF50 & tretinoin [and proper cleansing] these are the only 2 clinically proven things to help prevent skin aging, and get a good, basic moisturizer for P.M. and you’re good.
Anon
Thanks. I use a moisturizer over my tretinoin at night (Happy Face from Beauty Pie, which I love). And you’re right that my Asian sunscreen formula is quite moisturizing for day.
AnoNL
Perfect, I would spend my money on something else then :)
Ses
C-level communication style crowdsource question. I’m C-level minus 1 and have been for years, so I have a breadth of experience with different types of executive. One thing I haven’t run into much until recently (at a new company) is angry/rude/adversarial responses when I push back on anything. From criticizing my perspective to shouting over me when I hit a touchy topic – but then returning to civility when we return to their preferred subject, it’s just really odd.
I’m pretty thick-skinned so this hasn’t affected my morale much, but it’s exhausting and time-wasting to listen to a tantrum before I can get down to actionable items.
Is this just a common cultural thing that I need to get used to in some industries or regions, and I haven’t run into it in previous companies, or is this a definite flag for a toxic workplace?
I’m not new to this type of role or working with executives, but have mostly worked with European executives in the past if that matters.
Chl
That is really weird. Red flag.
Anon
I can’t tell from your post – is this more than one person tantrumming? If so, red flags abound and I’d say toxic workplace. I’ve had bad bosses, of course, but day-to-day interactions have always been civil.
Ses
It’s two in particular, but not my direct boss, usually. It seems very much the tone of these exec level meetings though.
Anon
Is there anyone else at your level-ish you can quietly talk to? I guess someone would have told you by now if it was, “Oh, Gary always blows his top and then apologizes for it later – we all handle it by X”
Anonymous
I’m a VP and would not do this. Best, it confirms what you already can sort out for yourself but doesn’t give you any actual useful insight. Worst, it makes you look like a gossip and you may later find out that the person your level is actually Gary’s nephew, golf buddy, etc. I’d focus on doing what I could to make my own communications with Gary better–sometimes that means talking slower and softer to diffuse so they follow suit, sometimes it’s letting them blow off steam and then pausing and getting to action steps, sometimes it’s interrupting, etc. But do not mock or complain to a third party–you only risk hitting a bigger landmine. Even if it feels good in the moment.
anon
How new is the new company?
Even at the best of companies, new senior level people have to earn respect before they make big changes. The underlying reason is that we need to learn the system before we can help it evolve. The other reason is that trust takes a while to form.
Ses
Yeah, fair. It’s been about a year working with this group, so my assumption was that I’d earned some rights to push back.
Deedee
you have. you’re professional. it’s them, not you. i would let your manager know in a question way “Have you found John and Don yell when their ideas are questioned or discussed? is there another way I should approach this?” but then I am farther from the c-suite and read too much Ask A Manager
Anon
You work with jerks. Not normal.
Anonymous
You work with jerks, but in the Silicon Valley it’s quite normal.
Anon
This top looks like I got in a fight with my medical abdominal binder and lost!
anon
This top looks like someone was playing the bridal shower toilet-paper game and got inspired :)
Senior Attorney
Haha yeah, but strangely not in a completely bad way…
Chl
The heat finally broke so of course I’m thinking about jeans and boots now! What fall clothes are you lusting after these days? I’m interested in some wide leg jeans and I never met a tweed blazer I didn’t want.
BaltAnon
Not sure your budget, but both veronica beard and frame have some gorgeous dark wash wide leg jeans at nordstrom right now. I went with the frame ones because they fit me better. the VB ones ran a tiny bit small. JCrew Factory has some nice tweed-esque blazers – I bought pink and blue.
Anon
Mid wash and light wash denim are in right now but black shoes look too harsh with them. I just ordered olive green booties and am debating an additional color.
I’d love a warm mid thigh length coat that’s warm but doesn’t look wintery. By late October I need something for cold nights but feel ridiculous in a parka. Pea coats don’t feel current so I’m not sure what to get.
Runcible Spoon
Maybe consider what is called a “car coat” or a swing coat? Talbots often has some cute short coats.
Deedee
or teddy bear coat?
Anonymous
I lusted after the Veronica Beard bootcut jeans, and found a less expensive dupe at Dillard’s. I also really wanted some corduroy jeans and found a pair at Nordstrom that had a sort of 70s vibe.
Anon
This shirt literally is a piece of gathered shirring by the yard sewn onto a t-shirt. I could make this shirt for $15.
Anon
Well, tank top not t-shirt. But anyone with access to a Joanne Fabrics could make this.
Anon
Then go for it! Plenty of people are not going to do that and it’s fine for it to exist retail.
Anonymous
I think the point is that no one wants to wear something that looks like a DIY, whether it cost $35 or $350.
Anonymous
Of course it’s fine for the shirt to exist retail, but who would actually want to pay that kind of money for something that looks like it was made by a third grader in art class?
Deedee
I don’t sew but as my cooking skills and pantry supplies have ramped up, I feel like this at a lot of restaurants
Anonymous
Haha, same!
We rarely eat out anymore because not only is it often cheaper to make at home, it’s also often better tasting because I have total control over what ingredients I’m using.
Anon
Favorite low or no cost ways to treat yourself?
Looking at a blissfully free weekend ahead, could use some TLC but trying to save money! Already having lots of reading and lounging in pajamas on deck.
Anon
Are there any local fairs or festivals? Peach festival, county fair, etc? You can often do those affordably if you resist the urge to buy all the things.
Anonymous
Sunday is $4 movie day across the country.
Anon
Oooo this is exciting thank you!
No Face
If the weather is pleasant where you are, take a long walk somewhere beautiful.
Anon
Fancy pastry and reading at a coffee shop.
Anon
Exercise, preferably outdoors.
Anon
A nice long shower where I catch up on self-maintenance and end with painting my own toes. Exfoliating/shaving/lotion well.
Then a favorite food item – can be one you make!
Favorite relaxing things like reading/favorite TV shows.
Lots of music in the background.
Runcible Spoon
You could visit an art museum, browse through consignment/thrift stores, get a pedicure, blast some music and start working on a jigsaw puzzle, cook a big batch of chili, and make-your-own afternoon tea at home. Enjoy!
Anonymous
Are there any free concerts in your area, or do any of the towns nearby do free outdoor movie nights? Are there any silly parades?
No Face
Another audiobook recommendation request!
I am enjoying fiction audiobooks with non-American accents. I liked Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine (Scottish) and the Three of Us (Nigerian British). Any others?
Anon
The Witch Elm by Tana French is narrated by an Irish man. I think some of Marian Keyes’ books also have Irish readers.
Jules
All of Tana French’s Dublin Murder Squad novels (start with Into the Woods – or maybe it’s In the Woods) have Irish narrators. I have listended to many, many thrillers and mystery novels with English or Scottish narrators (everything by Ruth Ware, Ruth Rendell/Barbara Vine, Alex Michaelides, Ian Rankin, Nicci French, Sophie Hannah, Val McDermid, Denise Mina). The Number 1 Ladies detective Stories are set in Botswana, and I also like the Bangalore Detectives Club and its first sequel, set in India inthe 1920s. Jane Harper’s mysteries take place in Australia.
Jules
And for something in the rom-com vein, try The Rosie Project (and its sequels), Australian narrator.
Anon
I am listening to The Witch Elm right now. Can’t decide if I love it or hate it, but most people would enjoy it.
Anon
All of Louise Penny’s Inspector Gamache books. I looooove the narrator of the first ~10 and thought I was going to hate the change after that (the man who narrated died) but surprisingly didn’t.
NYCer
I enjoyed The Thursday Murder Club on audiobook. It has a reader with a British accent.
Anonymous
if you’re ok with romance definitely do A Caribbean Heiress in Paris. soooo many amazing accents.
Anonymous
I get my books from the UK audible, and almost all books I listen to have British narrators.
No Face
I knew this was the right group to ask! I tagged many of these on Libby. Thanks!
Senior Attorney
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society had a variety of fabulous British accents. Also at least one American accent done by a British actor, which kind of tickled my funny bone.
BookAnon
Oooh great question!
For Irish accents:
A Ghost in the Throat, Ghroifa
Sally Rooney’s books
I Am, I Am, I Am by O’Farrell
Australian:
What Alice Forgot, Moriarty
Narrow Road to the Deep North, Flanagan
Southeast Asia:
All Mohsin Hamid’s books
Covenant of Water, Verghese
I’m the rare reader that doesn’t care for British accents, so no recommendations there! It’s not quite British, but I do absolutely love the narrator of Elena Ferrante’s books.
Anonymous
I dislike everything about this top.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
Before I Google this (or spend any more time with a chat bot – thanks, DV hotline), does anyone know about basic principles of setting boundaries with a friend/acquaintance who is being abused by their partner? It is not currently physical – it has been in the past – but it is emotional and financial. I’ve already connected this person to DV resources, and they are not ready to leave for good – they’ve tried a couple of times, and I know the statistics about how many times it takes. For a variety of reasons, I am not in a position to help this person more than a check-in every few months at the moment, but I am also sensitive to not abandoning them (after a couple of years of pretty minimal contact they have started emailing every few days for advice and commiseration). There is a young child involved, including a recent injury that I obviously have questions about – the child has been seen by medical professionals for it. I don’t know if there are any best practices for me. This is somebody I know from a volunteer organization that we are both close to.
Anon
Keep being there for your friend. It is not as cut and dry as “leave him” for someone in the middle of it. You don’t have to help her with the abuse part of it if it’s too much for you, but be there for her!
Anonymous
As a long time DV/SA crisis counseling volunteer, I think there’s no straightforward answer here. Only you know what you are comfortable with. One option is to cut frequency of contact but let her know that you will be there for her should a crisis situation emerge. I would still encourage her to speak with someone on a DV hotline even if she’s not planning to leave immediately. They can help her brainstorm safety planning and ways to gather evidence. You might benefit from speaking to someone on a DV hotline as well–they can have a more in depth conversation with you on the phone about boundaries.
Anonymous
Thanks. Your comment about being there in a crisis is helpful. Everything feels like a crisis with him but I can’t care more than he does (so to speak). Perhaps I will try calling. I was disappointed the text and chat feature didn’t give me a person. Also, the victim here as a man.
Anon
Is there another source for rental evening gowns besides Rent the Runway?
Elle
My husband is increasingly worried he’ll be fired and because of that he’s looking for a new job. My issue is that he’s not being discerning: he’ll have an HR screening and find out the role would be a 20% pay cut or find out it’s 75% travel (which is a nonstarter because we have an infant) and keep moving through the process. On one hand I get it, but on the other hand I want him to stop wasting his time on bad opportunities. We could live on my salary if needed for a year and I would rather that than him take a job that is a step back from where he currently is. How do I get him to see that?
Anon
Is there some part of his hamster brain* worried about providing for his family (you mention an infant – is fatherhood new to him?) and can’t see the bigger picture for the moment? Or is hamster brain making him think that he needs to find something ASAP to avoid the indignity (blow to pride) of being fired? I’d see if you can’t soothe the hamster.
*We all have hamster brain – it’s the brain that takes over when we’re freaked out.
Anon
Why does he think he’ll be fired?
anon
The biggest question in my mind with the examples you gave is how much is up for negotiation. Depending on the job, there could be 20 percent of room in the salary negotiation. Getting an imperfect offer can also be leverage for other jobs that are taking their feet to make a decision. So, on some levels, I can see continuing through the process to see what the final offer is.
Anon
This was my thought too, don’t be so hasty in writing off jobs. There’s a lot that’s negotiable, a lot that’s misstated in job descriptions, etc. it’s a better idea to get into the process a bit before writing it off. Also, trust your husband’s assessment, if he thinks firing is imminent, he’s probably right and it’s great he’s being proactive.
Deedee
right and the recruiter or whomever is the process guide may imply that stuff is negotiable.
he’ll know when it’s not negotiable and anything is ok for a little while, depending on level of desperation.
I would try not to get worried about those kind if things until “it’s between you and another candidate and you’ll hear back this week”. that…. might take awhile (of time, applications, interviews)
in the meantime focus on things you can control
Anonymous
I would think big picture and not just the immediate salary and whether one income is OK. Not working for an extended period (especially coming off of being fired) could be far worse for his career than a clean background and a job with a 20% pay cut. Not having to explain a firing alone is a huge reason to leap sooner than later. Salary also is only one dimension of job consideration. I was laid off after Covid and took a job with a 30% cut, but it had a much better job title and gave me experience in a higher-demand area. I stayed a year and a half and was able to use that to launch into a new job that more than doubled my pay. I still want to pinch myself sometimes with how it all worked out in the end. I would trust that he’s an adult and is doing the best he can for himself and his family to build a solid career. I would hate if my husband were trying to hold me back from my dreams over 20% (before even negotiations), especially if they were OK with me not working for a year. I’d trust that he has a better sense of the likelihood of being fired, how easy/hard other opportunities will be to come by quickly, the growth potential of some of these opportunities, etc. Even just practicing with multiple interviews is not a bad thing. It can only help when the right fit does come along.
LA Law
You don’t. You wait until he has an actual offer (and any negotiations from that) and then talk to him about whether it works for your family and reach a mutual decision.
Also, and I mean this as kindly as possible, “I would rather” is not really the only question here. His needs and wants also have to be taken into account. So 75% travel might be a non-starter, but if the choice is between a 20% pay cut in an uncertain economy or being unemployed for a year, he might rather have the former on the theory that it is easier to find job when you have a job. And that is not unreasonable on his part.
Anon
For the pet peeve thread I missed a couple days ago:
People who send lawyers lengthy documents that need to be substantially revised in which the numbered sections/paragraphs are NOT auto-numbered! Why, people? Why?
Anon
I agree with that and will also add people who do not use reference management software. Once you start using Zotero, you can never go back and you end up hating everyone who refuses to use it. References for large research documents undergoing revision literally take 30 or 40 times as long without it.
Resume
I landed a job in a new industry six months ago. I left recently, for Reasons.
Should I include this six-month job on my resume? I feel like it shows another company in my target industry deemed me worthy enough to hire, and I was able to do the job well.
I meant this job to be a door-opener, and the industry change was a big jump. I did learn things in this job that make me a better candidate, and I think leaving it off would be moving me backward. (I checked AAM and didn’t see this addressed specifically.) My instinct is to include it – would that be a big mistake?
Senior Attorney
I would include it as long as the Reasons are relatively straightforward and don’t reflect badly on you.
Anon
Yeah, I’d think hard about whatever those Reasons are, I think 6 months says you washed out immediately and couldn’t hack it. I would not read it positively.
Anecdata
Also vote for including — you can take it off later — right now, 6 months of experience in your target industry is a lot better than 0 months but it won’t make much difference when you’re talking about having 5 years vs 5.5 years. Exception would be if you won’t have an at-least-neutral reference from the 6 month job
Anonymous
If Reasons are something like the company being acquired, or the bosses are known to be toxic and have just been sued, I would include it.
Deedee
can you frame it as project or contract or interim work? admit it’s 6 months. did you have accomplishments per se, not just fill a gap on your resume? what kind of reference will they give you – “yes, she worked here” and nothing else? go ahead and put it on your resume and tell yourbstorym “yes, she worked here but it didn’t work out” use caution.
Anonymous
I don’t know abiut anyone else, but Iwhen I have a ‘night out’ or ‘dressy day event’, I prefer shirts that don’t look like rags.
Anon
This looks like a men’s undershirt wrapped in packing material.
Anonymous
This would have people talking behind their hands a lot more than an exposed zipper, lol.
anon
How do/did you decide when it was time to move in with someone or get engaged/married? Friends in their 40s are discussing what counts as “too soon” or an “appropriate amount of time.” Some say it’s a calendar amount (number of months or years), some say it’s after going through each of a list of life events (a trip, spending at least 2 weeks living together in one person’s place, a wedding, a medical event, etc.), others say that if someone is over 40 then no one should judge because people know when they know at that life stage.
Would love your thoughts on this!
AIMS
I think this is silly. What if no one has a medical event? Do you just wait?
I think you should just know at a certain point that will vary with your ci But doesn’t need to take all that long.
AIMS
So much for iPad autocorrect. Will vary with your circumstances.
Anon
My husband and I met pretty young (24) but we knew immediately we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. We had solid plans to move in together within 3 months, although it didn’t actually happen for almost a year because I was finishing school in a different state. We got engaged a little less than a year after that, and married about 16 months later, just over 3 years after we first met. We’ve been together more than 15 years now and no regrets.
I think waiting for an arbitrary amount of time or for certainly life events is silly. I do think getting engaged in a year or less is considered quite fast in your 20s, and I can’t say I’d be thrilled if my daughter got engaged that young to someone she’d known less than a year. But after 30, and certainly after 40, timelines are accelerated and things tend to happen very fast.
Anon
We were 40 and 36 when we were dating. He had made himself a promise that we would date for a year. At 2.5 months, he turned down a free Master’s program at Harvard and plainly said that I was a factor since I was here and not in Cambridge. He said I love you first at 3.5 months. We were talking about what it’d be like to retire in the town we were vacationing in at 8 months. At 9 months, I was climbing the wall and blurted out one day, “Oh my gosh, are you ever going to propose?! What’s going on?!” LOL And that’s when he told me about his one year self-promise – and told me I could go take a look at rings for myself if I wanted to give him some ideas ;) He ended up proposing at 11 months and we were married 5 months later. (A second wedding for us both, so super low key and only 8 guests.) It really, truly doesn’t take long when you’re older and have some experience under your belt. You know who you are and who you’re looking for.
Anon
Like the poster above, I think having these type of rules is silly. What is important is making sure you’re on the same page with what the relationship is and where you want it to go, your value system, have had the bug discussions (money, kids, etc.), and neither of you is treating the other as a home improvement projects. And of course there are no giant red flags. IME, once you’re older, you know who works for you as a partner and who doesn’t relatively quickly.
Anon
This is the stupidest thing I’ve heard as a debate topic. You can’t guarantee a relationship’s success with time metrics. Different times work for different people. I was engaged to my husband a month after we met and married within 6. Still going strong 15 years later. Worked for us. Probably wouldn’t for others. Marriage is an act of hope, not a guarantee no matter what you do.
Anonymous
People know when they know at every life stage, putting arbitrary qualifications on things is just silly.
Peloton
Where are you all sourcing good quality cotton clothing these days? I’m really looking for adult versions of my daughter’s Hanna Andersen tops, if that’s a helpful reference point.
Peloton
Another reference point might be 2008 Banana Republic or J. Crew. Not the highest end ever, but not primarily a poly blend. Classic styles preferred.
Anon
LL Bean?
biotech_boston
+1
Anon
Quince
Hootster
+1. Just got some tees from quince that I love.
AIMS
The only brand that hasn’t disappointed me lately is Uniqlo.
Anonymous
Pact is what you want I think
Check Good Threads also
Llbean pima
Uniqlo has good cotton too.
HM Conscious has good organic cotton stuff.
Anonymous
Oh also petit bateau
Three dots used to be great too, I think Zappos still has them.
Anonymous
Sounds like you want knits? I have had good luck with the Karen Scott cotton tees at Macy’s and the all cotton tees at Talbots. In addition, Macy’s just launched a new house brand that they say is higher quality than some of their historical offerings. Have not tried it yet.
Anon
Pima – Talbots
Thinner cotton tees – Garnet Hill or Boden
Long sleeve layering tees – love Eddie Bauer Favorite tees, although they are 50-50.
Anonymous
How expensive of a gift would you accept from someone you refer business to? I have referred three large cases to a contact in another state in the last two years (without making any money off them myself). I anticipate further business referred to them, likely little but potentially some small issues referred back to me. They offered me a very generous gift – think, a trip/pricey tickets/etc. – framed as a thank you for the referrals, and a hope you’ll keep doing it kinda thing. I have gotten meals and <$100 gift cards from people before but haven’t ever had something with a larger dollar value. I’m a solo practitioner and no ethics/gift rules apply.
Would you take it? If yes or no, what would you respond with?
Cat
are referral fees not allowed in your state(s)? I’m confused why you wouldn’t just be receiving some cash.
OP
They’re allowed but I have never done them or received them. Much more normal for people to give a gift card for a nice dinner or spa, etc. So I don’t give cash and I don’t receive it.
CEP-GB
Long time reader – first time commenting. I would love some insight on how to approach a new job opportunity. Currently in a role where I have had a lot of opportunity for growth (freedom to work outside/above my role) however, that is mainly due to an absent boss (or perhaps I should say consistently distracted with other things – lots of family related things for 3+ years). I now have a new opportunity with a bit of a career pivot, roughly the same money/benefits. When I brought up this opportunity, my current boss flagged that they saw me moving into a higher role in 1-2 years, which was kind of a shock as I am doing much of that role now. With this reality, part of me thinks that the new position would be better in the long term as dealing with an MIA boss for another 1-2 years. But, I really love the work and place that I am at, but I also see the new opportunity as a chance to move forward. Should flag that this is my first move career wise which is possibly why I am struggling? Any advice would be amazing!
Cat
I’d ask more about what your boss meant. Is the timeline because longevity at your company is important for promotions, because that’s the rough timeline expected for someone’s retirement and therefore an opening for a senior role for you, etc… or is there anything you’re doing now that could be improved from boss’ view and that would come with a bit more experience? I mean it’s possible Oblivious Boss thinks you’re only staying in your lane and therefore not ready, so this conversation would help show Boss what you’re actually doing.
A career pivot… what does that mean? Is it a change you wanted to make eventually but it’s arrived earlier than expected? What about it appeals to you, as opposed to just being an escape from the current situation?
Anon
If new opportunity is the same money and benefits you have now, I’d be really positive it’s work you want to do, people you want to do it with before leaving a job where you’ve built political capital. I think one of the biggest mistakes people make is unthoughtful lateral moves. They are sold as “big opportunities” and often end up leaving a person with a series of the same job, starting over and over again. Stick around a bit to move up and don’t take a job unless it really helps you move up the ladder.
TravelDreams
Hi, I am in the market for a new hair straightener. I have long and very thick hair. Ideally sub $200. I have tried the super cheap ones and they are terrible. Willing to pay for a workhorse. Bonus points if it has automatic cut off. Does anyone have any suggestions?
MinnieBeebe
I would personally just spend the $$ on the Dyson straightener. It’s pricey as all get out, but if it’s anything like my Air Wrap Styler, it’s worth it. I plan to ask for one for Christmas this year — which means I will buy it for myself and leave it wrapped under the tree. :)
TravelDreams
It’s really out of my budget.
Anon
Have you tried the Chi? I have long thick hair and it lasted a decade; I’ve had my second one for a few years and it’s going strong. I think it does a great job.
TravelDreams
Thanks. I’ll look into it.
Anon
+1 on the Chi. I have long, thick, wavy hair and it’s the best by far. I had my first one for about 13 years and my second one is still going strong.
Kate
I bought a Paul Mitchell straightener 15 years ago…I loved it to death. It just died and I am planning to repurchase another PM one soon! I’m eyeing the $156 one at Ulta.
TravelDreams
Thanks. Was eyeing that too.
Jamie
Two questions: what kinds of shoes are we wearing to replace knee-high boots (casual and for work)? And second, I have a cute outfit that is a peachy-pink pleated midi skirt that I pair with a dark green short-sleeved sweater. What color shoes to wear? I’d have bare legs (and pale, pale skin!) and black seems too harsh.
Anon
I love matching shoes to my skin tone when wearing lighter colours. I would go for nude pumps. They also make your legs miiiiiiiles long.
Anon
Nude pumps have been seriously out of fashion for years at this point.
Classic for a reason
And yet they are gorgeous and always will be.
Lily
I’d try some brown loafers with the pink skirt/green sweater. Less harsh than black, will take the outfit into the fall season.