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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 98 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Reversible Tote Handbag

Coffee Break |

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Target Reversible Tote HandbagI was on the Target homepage for something random recently, and this bag popped up. It's polyurethane, with a magnetic closure and no structure by itself, as near as I can tell. There are a number of fun colors, and I like that most of the bags have a more muted color on the reverse — the reverse of this happy yellow one is a gray, almost putty color. It's $36.99 at Target. Reversible Tote Handbag Dec. 2015 Update — This bag is still in stock! (L-2)

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Comments

  1. roses

    What does a lady in her late 20s wear to a bachelorette party in May that will involve a decent amount of bar-hopping (though not upscale lounge/club type places)? I’m a bit past the days of wearing bandage dresses and super-short skirts, but I’m not looking for something super conservative either. Ideas or links appreciated!

      • First Year Anon

        oh man Im going to a bachelorette party and now i want to buy a jumpsuit for it!

        • Over Forty Mom

          Jumpsuits look great, but you practically have to take the whole darn thing off in order to use the ladies room. Something to keep in mind, especially if you are planning to drink.

    • 2 Cents

      I was in my late 20s for my bachelorette party and relished the skimpy skirt with a sparkly tank top I wore. I never dress like that normally (skirts are usually knee-length rather than mid-thigh), but it was fun for a night!

      I like the jumpsuit idea or fun dress (try ModCloth or eShakti for something not usually worn to work). Have fun!

    • Bonnie

      Depends on the city, and how much you’re going to be walking. A fun dress is always a good option, something that you would think would be inappropriate for any other function. For a more casual shindig, jeans and a low cut type would work.

    • roses

      Thanks all! I think jumpsuits look great on others but unfortunately they tend to look silly on my very petite frame. I’m probably going for the dress or top/skirt combo. I’ll check out rent the runway, great idea!

  2. Advice needed

    Sorry for the immediate TJ. DH and I have been married for almost two years. A few months ago, I found out that he allowed some of his student loans to go into default. I found out because a collector called me. We don’t have joint checking, we just each pay a certain number of our joint bills (like he gives me half the rent each month, he pays the cell bill, I pay the insurance, etc) and we each handle our own separate bills (student loans, credit cards) separately. So I would not have known this was happening if the collector hadn’t called, unless he had told me himself. I confronted him about it and, after lots of heel-dragging on his part and nagging on mine, he has corrected the situation (on auto-pay now, although he late payments are still on his accounts). I did some research and discovered that because we live in a community property state, if this situation had continued, MY wages could have been garnished because he is entitled to half of my paychecks. I am haunted by how embarrassing that would have been at work. I had bad credit for years after mistakes in college, and have worked very hard to fix my credit. He also had some credit problems years ago and also worked hard to fix them. I thought we were both on a good path financially and credit-wise, working toward mutual goals. Now I feel like he has 1) jeopardized our future by endangering our ability to buy a home/car/whatever, 2) betrayed my trust by not telling me that he had allowed loans to default. I am not asking for credit/financial advice here – what I would like advice about is what consequence/affect his behavior should have on our marriage. Some days I am so steaming mad and betrayed, I think I should divorce him. Some days I think he made a dumb mistake in forgetting that certain loans were coming of a grace/deferment period and then put his head in the sand about it, without any real malice intended towards me or our marriage. What to do? Thanks.

    • Must be Tuesday

      Have you had a conversation with him about just the betrayal/frustration/hiding information aspect of the situation? Not the actual financial stuff, but how you felt as a result of his actions. If not, that would probably be a good place to start. If you did, his reaction would probably be important in deciding how to deal with this.

      • NYNY

        This sounds like two conversations to me. The first would be what MBT suggested. Your feelings need to be acknowledged, and probably his, too. If this is the only reason you consider divorcing him, then you’re probably just angry now, and that would be a drastic solution.

        The second conversation is where you get real about your finances. If in your state your money is considered joint property, then you need to treat it that way. I would open a joint account with funds to cover monthly expenses direct deposited equitably from both of our paychecks. Set up autopay for all expenses to come from that account. Talk about additional accounts to use for other priorities, like a joint emergency fund or down payment fund. If you each want your own accounts for optional expenses, that’s fine, but anything which can effect you both needs to be transparent to you both.

    • Hindsight

      In a community property state I can’t fathom being married and having “separate finances” given the joint liability. IMO you can be disappointed with him that it happened, but I have a hard time supporting your anger – you should have known. Sure, he should have told you as your husband, but “his debt” is just as much your liability to manage. All you can do now is be more diligent and combine your financial management on some level going forward to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

      • mascot

        Agree that your current financial management strategy isn’t working. Would it be easier if one person was the accountant for the marriage and made sure everything got paid on time? If you need to keep it in separate accounts so as not to co-mingle assets/ maintain some pre-marital status quo, you can still do that.
        I also read some shame/blame into your feelings about debt. Aside from payroll, would that many people at work know if your wages were being garnished? Some open, non-judging conversations need to happen with your spouse. If he thinks you are going to blow up and threaten to leave, he may not be willing to bring it up (which could be how this snowballed into a mess).

      • Former Partner, Now In-House

        Until you have been in the position of a spouse who learns, after having been both diligent about trying to know the truth and reliant on your spouse about the real truth, that your spouse has deceived you, you really are not in a position to judge. I have been in that position. We set up systems to make sure we each knew about the other’s activity. I asked point blank. He lied to me point blank. It is not “Advice needed”‘s fault.

        Advice needed: I have been looking into Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University class for a young-adult family member. I am a little hesitant ONLY because we are not Christian (and are observant something elses). But in reading up on the courses, which are taught live for nine weeks throughout the year at various churches around the country, I think it might be a good way for you and your husband to get on the same page, financially and loyalty/betrayal-wise. And since you are both adults, you can take or leave the religion part.

        • Anonymous

          Advice Needed’s situation sounds very different from yours. Her spouse did not lie to her point-blank. She simply didn’t ask/didn’t take an active role in managing the joint finances. That is what people are surprised about, not that a spouse could lie and succeed in deceiving the other spouse.

    • skim latte

      It sounds like you are the better at bill-paying and managing finances than he is, so you should handle those tasks for both of you, and he can handle whatever he excels at (taking out the trash, yardwork, car repairs, cooking, whatever – there are plenty of chores to go around).

    • Becky

      I have a prenup where debts and gain are kept separate. I’m not an attorney, but couldn’t you set up something similar in a post-nup? If it’s creating friction, maybe that’s the easiest way to deal? I hate to think of you having to handle all the financial aspects while he “takes out the trash” or some such thing just because he likes to bury his head in the sand. That doesn’t seem fair. (And frankly, I don’t think anyone should be totally checked out male or female from finances–that’s not setting up to learn the lessons in life you need to so you can exist independently should a spouse die, leave, or what have you.)

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Did he actively avoid paying these loans, or was he unaware of them? If he was aware of them, why didn’t he pay them? To me, the answer to those questions is potentially the difference between “divorce” or “work it out.”

      If he wasn’t aware of the payments at all, that’s bad money management, but, for me, it wouldn’t be as troubling as deliberate concealment. Bad money management we can work around – we can set up autopays, and I can manage the household bills, and we can put in calendar reminders and whatever else. It’s a practical problem that can be solved.

      If he knew about the loans, AND chose not to pay them, AND chose not to tell you what he was doing, that strikes me as being more problematic. Why wasn’t he paying a debt he knew he owed? Why didn’t he tell you when it became clear he was in real trouble? The answers to those questions are potentially more troublesome, and potentially more indicative of bigger problems (trust, disagreement over how to handle finances, etc.).

    • Anonymous

      Talk to him about it, and your feelings. Talk about wanting to see a marriage counselor to get back on track.

      Combine your finances completely. Keeping them separate is a dangerous fiction.

    • 2 Cents

      I was in a similar situation about 18 months ago. DH had gone over the credit limit on a credit card and didn’t realize it for a few months. I was livid, not only because we were not supposed to be using credit cards (to stabilize our overall financial situation), but that he didn’t tell me.

      Have two conversations — and maybe they can be back to back.
      –You’re worried he didn’t come to you when he realized things weren’t OK with him financially, since you’re supposed to be in this marriage — emotionally, physically, financially — together. If a money problem comes up, then it’s belongs to both of you.

      –Overhaul the finances, whether this means you finally join accounts (we still have separate bank accounts, but we consider the money in both of them to be in the same pool — just haven’t switched over due to perceived hassle), or have weekly/biweekly/monthly regroups to go over finances. I suggest signing yourself and DH on Mint, where you can put all of your accounts — from bank to credit cards to student and car loans — and get a visual snapshot, plus reminders about upcoming bills. Plus, why is he having trouble? Does he not know how to budget his money from paycheck to paycheck (so would need a clear picture about how much money he can spend in a given week/month) or is it just because he forgets to pay things on certain dates (and needs to set up autopay / phone reminders)?

      Trust me, I’m not passing judgement. Just been there, and these are the strategies my DH and I have come up with to prevent future missed bills / nondisclosure of money whoopses.

  3. DC Basketball

    I love this color bag – just wish there was a zipper on top!

    TJ: I’m looking for suggestions for places in DC for me and my DH to watch March Madness and grab a bite to eat on Friday evening (6:30ish). Emphasis on the basketball – we don’t mind eating at the bar, but do want a good view of the TV.

    Specifics: preferably Foggy Bottom/Georgetown/Farragut area, or else Crystal City/Pentagon City. We can be flexible, though. As far as the food goes, preferably fish options for me and steak/pasta/chicken for him. Drinks are not important.

    Any recs? And if so, please let me know if I should get a reservation in advance.

    • Bonnie

      Not quite your geographic location, but Penn Quarter Tavern shows all the games. Rumors in Farragut North also shows games.

  4. Must be Tuesday

    TJ: There should be a word to describe your ex’s new spouse. Or your spouse’s former spouse. This would be especially convenient when kids are involved, but even when they’re not. It’s such a common relationship anymore – more common even than step-parent/step-child, but there’s no word. #englishlanguagefail

  5. Ellen

    Yay! Coffee Break! I love coffee break and this bag, which I can make Mason carry with my MacBook!

    As for the OP, my first thought was to dump him, or at least make him REGRET being such a schmoe. But after due consideration, I decided to think that maybe you should go light on him b/c you do NOT have such a steller credit record yourself. If he is otherwise good to you, cut him a break. None of us are to smart (other then my DAD, who is MENSA eligible), so we have to be a little givieing when it come’s to spouse’s. At this point, if I could find a spouse to MARRY me, I would be forever grateful as long as he could take over my finance’s. The last thing I need is to marry a schlub and have him mess up my finanence’s. FOOEY on that.

    In sum, if you are otherwise compateiable, and he is good to you, then overlook this at least once. If he does it again, DTMFA. On the other hand, if he is hurtful of you and demean’s you or messes up your Egyptian cotton sheet’s or vomits (like my Alan did), then DTMFA right away! YAY!!!!

  6. Anon

    In a new relationship, and for the first time ever, I’m constantly terrified my SO is going to cheat on me. He’s naturally very flirty, but so am I, and I’ve never cheated in a relationship, and he hasn’t given me any reason to doubt him. (Always answers his phone, introduces me to everyone important in his life, gave me a key to his place, told me when a woman asked him out and he turned her down because he said it felt weird, etc.) I really think this is all just in my head, because I’ve never wanted a future with anyone as much as I do with him. How do I tell the little doubts and fears in my head to calm the eff down?

    • skim latte

      Take things slowly with him and see if the trust builds up over time? I’m not sure how new your relationship is, but being “constantly terrified” about anything is not a good sign for longevity in a relationship.

      • January

        +1 to take things slowly. “I’ve never wanted a future with anyone as much as I do with him” does not mean that you can trust this guy (it doesn’t mean that you can’t, either, but these are actually separate considerations). If you’re not normally constantly terrified that the men you’re dating are going to cheat on you, your gut may be trying to tell you something about this relationship. Instead of fighting your doubts and fears, try to let go of the idea that you NEED this particular relationship to work out so you can better assess where these doubts and fears are coming from.

        • OP

          When I take the advice below (focus on the next week), I’m not afraid. I think it’s exactly what you said – if I don’t think I NEED this relationship, the fear dissolves. I’m usually a trust-your-gut person as well, but he’s more transparently into me and devoted to spending time with me than anyone else I’ve ever dated. I think it’s more of a too-good-to-be-true fear. The reminder that he’s not the end all be all to relationships is a good one. Thanks.

    • Anonymous

      You grow up. Not said flippantly or meanly, but the work of trusting trustworthy people and not feeding your insecurity is the work of growing up.

      And slow down- this is a new relationship. Stop thinking about how much you want it to be the one. Focus on how you feel, whether you like those feelings, and if you want him in your life next week.

      • OP

        This is good advice, thanks. It’s a few months in, but you’re right, next week/month is the right place to focus, not the next 10 years.

  7. Cinderella

    Vicarious shoe shopping opportunity – I’m looking for wedding shoes. Would prefer flats or heel of no more than 2″. The only princess-y thing I’ve ever wanted with respect to my wedding was glass slippers, but I recognize that actual see-through shoes are probably terribly ugly once your feet are in them and/or cheap looking. With the new movie out (has anyone seen it?? is it good??), I’ve seen a lot of Cinderella-shoe round ups but haven’t really had a chance to seriously consider them. If anyone wants to take a look and post up some options, I’d really appreciate it :) :) :)

  8. black-flat-hunt

    I’m tired of terrible black flats that I replace almost every year. It’s time for a better pair. I’m willing to pay up to about $75 for them. Leather, small (5.5-6), flat or very low wedge. I don’t really like super-pointy-toe, but I don’t like the super blunt round either. Embellishment is fine, as long as it is tasteful. Casual office–these would be for nearly daily wear during spring/summer/fall.

  9. NYNY

    Shoe advice needed. I bought these shoes online, and they arrived over the weekend:

    http://shoes-aja.com/product/see-by-chloe-womens-asymmetric-dress-pumpfiamma10-m-us40-eu/

    I love the shape, they’re comfortable, and they fit well. They were a great deal (under $100), so I’m not feeling bad about the price. But the color is not what I expected. They looked like a true red on the website/my monitor when I ordered them, but they skew oranger in real life. Not orange, but an orange-ish red. Which is less versatile in my wardrobe than the expected color.

    Should I keep them?

    • yes!

      Keep them. Rock them. Wear them with an otherwise neutral outfit. Try them out with your favorite pencil skirt. Buy lipstick in a matching shade. They are so pretty, it would be a shame to give them up!

    • skim latte

      No. Not versatile enough and kind of costumey in my opinion. You don’t love them so get your money back and buy shoes in a color you love instead.

    • Bonnie

      No, these don’t seem versatile at all. Honestly, they make me think of Big Bird’s feet.

    • houston, we have a problem

      the wrong red tones can really clash with anything. I think that reds are really tricky to order on line that way. I’d return.

    • new shooeezzz

      if you have a doubt when they are this new – return straight away, you can always find a different pair of shoes, but you won’t if you have this ‘less than ideal’ pair

      A friend of mine gave me a tip – if you buy something, and are not itching to wear it in the first few days you don’t like it enough so return it…

  10. Anonymous

    Moving to a small Midwestern college town — it seems like all the newer, bigger, nicer houses that we like are in more rural areas on the outskirts of town. Pesticide exposure from nearby farms is one big concern I’ve already thought of. Are there other issues with buying a house in a rural area (would be in a small subdivision of houses but that subdivision is near farmland) or Q’s I should be asking? I’m a native Midwesterner but have always lived in cities so this is all new to me.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      I have never lived in a rural area, so I’m not exactly sure what questions related to these would be important other than to know there are some, but is the house on well water and a septic tank as opposed to being on town water/sewer line?

      • ANP

        Yes — we live in what I’d term a “rural subdivision” and I’d ask about well/septic vs. city water/sewer. We went from a city system to a well/septic and weirdly, I enjoy having a well (even though it makes no real difference in my daily life). Also snow removal and HOA fees — who pays for the removal, are there HOA fees and what do they cover?

        • Anonymous

          A subdivision on the outskirts of a college town is likely to have both Internet and cable TV. Sheesh.

          • Anonymous

            I doubt CKB means the area is so backwards that it doesn’t have things like internet or running water. What she is likely referring to is the fact that cable companies will not run the wires for the “last mile” until there are enough people in a subdivision to justify the expense. I have a friend whose parents bought in a new development in suburban Atlanta, and they have not been able to get cable TV or internet for the year they’ve lived there. They were the first completed home, and it still isn’t very well built up yet.

          • Meg Murry

            Not necessarily. There are definely spots less than 2 miles from my hometown city limits that don’t have cable or high speed internet by any means other than satellite – the population density just isn’t worth it for the cable companies to put in lines or phone companies to upgrade the equipment

          • LilyS

            It’s going to have internet, yes, but maybe not the high speed broadband you get used to when you live in the city. My parents live in a town about 30 miles outside of London and the internet there is noticeably slower than the fibre-optic high-speed internet I get in my university city.

    • Anonymous

      I would anticipate that the farmland is not going to stay that way forever, and make sure you’re comfortable with years of construction while it develops into subdivisions or shopping centers with tons of traffic. In my home state, people don’t like to buy smaller, older houses in town when they can build their “dream home” on the outskirts, where the commute is still not that bad, so sprawl is never-ending.

      Also, this sounds like a joke, but you’ll want to investigate smells from any tracts of land that are still used as farmland, and specifically for animals. Visit on multiple days for different wind and other weather conditions that can affect how it travels. I went to high school across the street from a pig lot, and I still gag at the memory of some of our hot summer track practices.

      • Parfait

        Yeah, this. Farms are stinky. And if your house backs up on a cornfield today, it may well not in a year or two. When my folks were shopping for houses in the country, they wanted to be sure to “own the view.” Ultimately they abandoned that idea and bought a house inside the limits of a small village, walking distance from the town square. I think that was a much better call.

    • Mpls

      Will the smell bother you? Like when the farmer lays down manure as fertilizer, or when the pea plants are rotting in the field after harvest. Or are there pig or turkey farms in the area that you may be downwind from (they smell nasty – cows are tolerable, in my book).

    • lucy stone

      Is the water municipal water? If not, make your offer contingent on well testing. You want to test for, at minimum, nitrates, phosphates, and volatile organic compounds.

    • Meg Murry

      Questions to ask: Are houses actually in city limits, or outside them? Does property or income tax vary depending on whether the house is inside or outside city limits? If in city limits, will more land mean high property taxes?
      What utilities are semi-rural houses hooked up to – do you have city water, rural water or have to maintain a well or cistern? What about sewers – are you hooked up to city sewers or do you have to maintain a septic system? Reliability of power – in our area, the city power is extremely reliable, the rural area power goes out every time the wind blows – and with power outages comes no sump pump which means flooded basements. Also, newer developments in former farmland in my area is usually on the least desirable farmland, and a few of the new developments have issues with flooded backyards at best and flooded basement or even houses at worst.
      Will it frustrate you not to have sidewalks or not be able to walk anywhere – is being dependant on a car for everything annoying?
      How will you handle snow removal – rural area have longer driveways and drifting snow in our area, requiring homeowners to pay big money for someone with a plow truck to clear driveways before work, owning a tractor with snowplow attachment or 4 wheel drive to get out of driveway before it is plowed.
      Does development have a HOA, and what are rules/fees?
      Are rural outskirts same school district as town? If you have kids (or plan to) are you OK with potential long bus rides to/from school?

      Source: I grew up in a college town in the Midwest, and moved to the rural outskirts as a teen. Now choosing to live in a town instead of outskirts because I value not having to deal with a long driveway, owning and servicing a well and septic system and my kids being able to walk to school – even if I do pay higher taxes for it. I do wish I had a new kitchen and attached garage, but not enough for the other trade offs – for my family, at least.

      Any chance you would be willing to rent for a year before committing to buy in an unknown neighborhood? Also, in my college town hometown there was a definite season to when homes went on the market, and an “underground” house sale market where houses sold between private owners without the house actually ever being listed on the market, just by word of mouth and connections.

      • LilyS

        In terms of kids – is the centre of town walkable or reachable by bike from the subdivision? Are the things you’re likely to need on the same side of town as the subdivision? I know teenagers can drive earlier in the US than in the UK, but it’s still a consideration.

    • CKB

      Water table levels/flood risk might be something to consider. Also, how is mail delivered? What kind of address will you have? If it’s just a PO box some online retailers won’t deliver to you. This is only an issue if you are really rural, though.

      If you are outside the city limits you probably want to find out what your property taxes will be and what they cover, especially with snow removal, etc. again, depends on how rural you will be.

    • houston, we have a problem

      I would want to know how emergency (911) are handled, including response time for police, fire, or medical.

      • Meg Murry

        This is a good point. In my area, for whatever political reason, the township areas have contracted with one of the neighboring towns – but if you are on the far western edge of a township you might be geographically closer to the nearest town to your west, but the fire department that will respond to your 911 call is the town to the east – in my in-laws case, that means the fire department are coming from 10+ miles away, instead of 3 miles from the nearest town, and they are served by the county sheriff’s office instead of the local police.

  11. Suddenly Shy FI?

    My fiance and I are getting married in roughly 10 weeks and having a small-ish wedding (approximately 55-60 guests). The whole time we’ve been engaged, he’s been on board and involved with the wedding, but this weekend he confessed to being nervous about the “public” aspect of the wedding and being so demonstrative in front of our friends and family. It’s funny, because he does sales for a living and is a great public speaker/presenter, and he’s not normally shy. However, we’re also not really a big PDA couple and he’s a pretty private guy when it comes to his/our personal life, so this makes some sense.

    Now I’m nervous that he won’t enjoy himself on the day of our wedding. We’re spending a lot of money and putting a lot of time and energy into this wedding, and it makes me a little sad to think of him being self-conscious and anxious during the ceremony and reception, rather than enjoying it.

    I tried to think of stuff to change/adjust to make it easier, but the only super personal thing we’re doing is writing our own vows, which was his idea originally and which he still seems to want to do. Everything else is pretty much standard wedding fare (and we’re skipping A LOT of the “classic” wedding traditions – parent dances, bouquet/garter toss, etc).

    Is anyone else’s partner like this, or did anyone else experience this as the bride on their own wedding day? Was it magically fine the day-of because it’s your wedding day and you’re too happy to care, or did you do anything to make it easier/less stressful on you or them? Any advice or personal experience would be helpful.

    • skim latte

      I was like this – I hate being in pictures and having to smile endlessly or look a certain way (i.e. perfect). The wedding industrial complex puts so much on perfection and my family is very much into projecting a certain image to their friends. So, truth be told, I was extremely happy to have the wedding over with so we could spend our married life together and without having to have perfect skin, perfect hair, perfect flowers, etc. So happy it was over. You can make it less stressful by getting less worked up about the details of the wedding and focusing on what’s fun for him (for me, it was fun seeing some old friends and looking forward to the honeymoon).

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’m getting married this summer and my fiancé is really shy about the being on display aspect of the wedding. We are planning to do a fairly short ceremony (10 minutes maybe). He’s hoping to encourage our guests to participate in games in a nearby park, but I’m not sure how that will go.

      We are both introverts and exhausted by too much interaction. The way we’ve solved this is to build in a time for him to take a nap. We are having the ceremony and main reception early in the day, leaving to go to our hotel so he can nap (yes, yes, he REALLY is going to take a nap), and then meeting up with any of our guests who want to attend an evening festival with us. Having a specific time frame seems to make it a little better for him.

      I think it will ultimately be ok because the vast majority of guests we invited are people we really love to be around. Granted, that is normally in smaller groups, but hopefully that will make things more comfortable.

      • Suddenly Shy FI?

        I love that last part of your comment – the people we invited are our closest friends/family, so they love us and we love to be around them. That’s a great reminder.

        Also, I love the idea of building in time for your FI to take a nap – that’s awesome. Our timeline won’t allow for that, unfortunately, but that’s pretty genius!

        • Sydney Bristow

          It was the main thing he insisted on. He’s had some great input in general, but a timeline that allowed for a nap was mandatory for him!

    • AIMS

      Why not ask him if he’d like to do the more standard vows? You say he still “seems” to want to do it, but maybe he just doesn’t want to disappoint you? You could say something like, why don’t we keep our vows that we write to just the two of us and do the more standard set in front of friends/family? And make it clear that you really won’t be disappointed. You can also practice you big kiss or dance or whatever else and agree to how you’d to have it go – I think a lot of times people worry about looking silly with all eyes on them and practice tends to make things easier (which is probably why he is okay with sales since he must have his pitch down at this point).

      For the last part of your question, I know two couples who dealt with something similar. One exchanged private vows with just their parents and siblings there and had the bigger “standard” ceremony for everyone; the other had a smaller ceremony before the reception with just the immediate family and closest friends and then the “wedding” was just a party for everyone.

      • Suddenly Shy FI?

        Thanks for the ideas – I love the idea of practicing the kiss ahead of time (that’s an area of the ceremony that makes me particularly nervous as well!). We’re definitely not used to kissing in front of an audience.

        When he brought up being nervous this weekend, I offered to switch to using more traditional vows, or suggested that we write “joint” vows together that we both recite (rather than using the traditional “for better or for worse”, which I think is what he wanted to avoid in the first place). He said he still wanted to write his own, but maybe he was afraid of disappointing me (and he knows mine are already written!). I’ll try bringing it up again later this week, and maybe suggest that we share our own vows privately before the ceremony (that way we can still do them without it being so public).

    • Anonymous

      Did he ask you to fix this? Sounds like he voiced a pretty normal and not massive concern and you’ve flown into mommy-fix-it mode. It’s ok to be nervous, he’ll be fine, let him do that.

    • Anonymous

      I’m an introvert and wasn’t super excited about being the center of attention on my wedding day. I also had to recite something in Hebrew, which I am terrible at, so I was worried about stumbling over that (and I did). I also do a lot of public speaking for my job, but it is totally different when the subject is “me” as opposed to my work. My wedding was fine – I knew I wasn’t going to have a meltdown or serious freakout and I didn’t, but it wasn’t one of the best days of my life. In hindsight, I am glad we did it, because it was great to see all our family and friends and the photos are definitely something we will treasure forever. And I loved hearing my dad’s toast and getting to dance with our friends after the formal parts of the reception were over. But I was also very glad when the day was over and we could head off on our honeymoon just the two of us. I think that’s a pretty common feeling, especially for introverts and people who are private about their relationships. I don’t think there’s much to do other than let him know you’re there to talk and that you’re open to changing any part of the wedding that makes him uncomfortable. (Not accusing you of being a Bridezilla but sometimes brides can get so fixated on the details of the wedding that it can be hard for the groom to say he wants to do something differently. So letting him know you’re open towards any suggestions/changes he has might help calm him down).

  12. MegB

    I know it’s late in the day for a new topic but I’m going to ask. I’m an attorney working in compliance for a financial services company/hedge fund in the SF Bay area. I was hired just over a year ago to create the compliance program/department from scratch and develop a team. I report to the GC. They hired me as the “compliance manager” with the understanding (in writing) that I would be promoted to compliance director after a year had passed. I’ve done a steller job if I do say so myself. Created a compliance manual and supporting business processes, developed a training program for employees, seen us through 2 audits, started performing monitoring and testing, etc. The GC told me in January, I had been a standout single contributor but that the director role required me to demonstrate management skills. I had not been able to do that because I didn’t hire someone until November. I’m generally happy here, the office is very close to my house. I got a call from a recruiter today for a similar role with a similar company. It looks very cool and hip (which I am not) on their web site. Total Silicon Valley, if you know what I mean. Sounds like slightly higher comp and a pretty nice equity grant. I’m torn, I hate the idea of leaving here but this could be better. It could also be riskier, where I am isn’t going out of business and a start up, well you know. For a compliance lawyer, I’m pretty risk adverse. I’m also the primary bread winner in our family and we have 3 school aged kids, 14, 12 & 11. Looking for Hive wisdom Thanks

    • marise

      I would go to the interview just to check it out. It may lead you to believe you have a good gig where you are now. I’d also have another sit down with the GC to “check in” again.

    • Need to Improve

      Go to the interview. You can use the new offer (if you get one) to negotiate for a title bump at your current job. Or you can take it if the new place looks good. But there’s no harm in looking.

      • anon

        +1000

        money/title isn’t everything if you like your job, but see how you feel about other role after interviewing, but you will know how much your current place values you when you have another offer in the bag..

        also consider this: if you are a ‘stellar’ performer, maybe you don’t need to be so risk averse if its easy for you to get hired?

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