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This dress is a bestseller at Of Mercer, and I don't think we've featured it before. We're picturing it here with the self belt, but note that you can remove the belt and just have a very easy, minimal shift dress. It can be so difficult to find a shift dress that has an appropriate length and fit — so many of them are way too boxy, or too tight in the bust but big everywhere else, or miniskirts. I think this one looks like a nice, simple shift dress and (huzzah!) it has pockets — and it's machine washable. The dress is available in sizes XS–2X and comes in four colors — we're picturing it in the hunter green. It's $165. Riverside Dress
For a slightly more affordable option, Chelsea28 has a similar dress at Nordstrom for $98 that comes in regular, petite, and plus sizes.
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Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
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- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Oh hello there
My sister and I are 7 years apart, which when growing up, meant we didn’t really hang out much.
Now that we’re adults, both 30s, life is…. okay mostly, sometimes tense. I went from being the big sister who helped the baby out with everything, filling out college applications, finding her accommodation once she’d moved out of the dorms, bailing her out (even though she would always pay me back eventually).
This has created resentment: she thinks I don’t respect her and treat her like an adult. I think she is immature and would love to treat her like an adult if she gave me reason to. I used to have a horrific temper which I’ve worked hard to mellow. She thinks I’m always ranting, which is true. I rant, after she calls me to say she’s missed her connecting flight, because, and can I put new expensive flight on my card?
We live in different countries and WhatsApp weekly. Most times we keep it shallow. But then inevitably it goes downhill.
Don’t know what I’m asking really. Commiseration? Can’t really leave this relationship at the door.. I thought things were supposed to get easier as we got older re siblings.
Oh hello there
Also to say: I feel so exhausted with all this: it’s so typical, responsible firstborn syndrome. I know the answer is make boundaries. But mostly I’m tired of this: oh you’re always been so aggressive, ranting and thinking people are beneath you. Well I’ve worked hard to be less, but also feel I’m going into 40s soon and I feel I should be able to just say: actually you’re an idiot. So yeah, I want it both ways. Sigh
Not watching
Therapy for you to figure out what you want your roll to be going forward and how to let go of the resentment. This is not easy, you love you sister and want to have a good relationship. Get some help.
Anonymous
Yes. Learn DBT skills (how to set boundaries–they’ll give you the actual words to say if it helps).
Anonymous
I mean, you can’t be an angry raving person and expect people to respect you. Even if you are nearly 40. Work on yourself.
Annonnnn
+1 this too.
Anon
Yeah, that’s what really stood out to me from this.
Anon
“She thinks I’m always ranting, which is true. I rant, after she calls me to say she’s missed her connecting flight, because, and can I put new expensive flight on my card?”
The answer is not to rant at her, but to say, “I have limits. I want to help you, but doing so makes me really angry at you, because you’re a 30 year old who is acting like a college kid.” Wish her the best, then hang up.
You’re in a really toxic pattern now. Break it.
anon
Agree with the toxic cycle, but I wouldn’t tell her that helping her makes you angry or that she’s acting like a college kid. Just say you can’t and leave it. You’re asking for a lot more drama when you say thinks like “you’re a 30 year old acting like a college kid. Honestly I think just about any explanation for why you can’t is only going to invite drama, although some responses less than others.
Senior Attorney
Yep. Just say “I’m so sorry but I’m not able to do that.”
Anon
Imagine a bigger age difference and a younger sister who blatantly does not respect the older one. That’s me, the older sister who gets treated like crap.
I… no longer see them need to have a relationship with her.
anon
I’m the poster from last week with the 9 year age difference with the half sister who mom and stepdad prefer and think is going to be president.
We’re 30 and 21, but this feels true to my situation too, except we get along in terms of actually interacting with each other, but I know she thinks those things (tells mom about them). You said it already, but I think the answer is boundaries. I just make it a point to not care too much. I’ll care when she’s being nice/not an idiot, and try to remind myself to not get too invested. So I guess for me it’s more setting emotional boundaries internal to myself, although there’s an external set of boundaries as well (e.g., no, I can’t help you with job applications since you waited until the last minute and I work 18 hour days and have a million other things going on. Not to mention younger folks looking for mentoring who are actually willing to consider what I’m saying and act on it. Or at least do something not dumb. But I digress.
Also, this: “I feel I should be able to just say: actually you’re an idiot.” But don’t do it. You already know that though :)
anon at 8:48
Also to echo one of the posters above, don’t project your frustration outward. Just say no at leave it at that. The reason half sister and I don’t have many outright conflicts is that I just keep my feelings to myself. I’m also a super stoic person by nature so this comes easily to me, and I don’t think everyone needs to be so extreme. But i basically just tell her the information she needs to know. “sorry I’m not available then” or “No, I’m not able to do that. I hope you figure it out!” or whatever. Less is more.
Also, have someone you can vent to in moderation.
Anon
yes! This will get you far! Disengage and let her take ownership of her actions. Also, read Captain Awkward! She’s awesome in setting boundaries!!
Also, You can use the 3 D’s slightly in different context:
– Do not attack (her stupidity or laziness or language or attitude)
– Do not defend (your choices or judgement)
– Do not engage (usually told for passive aggressive behavior – but with you context, you can not engage in unreasonable behavior)
Also, check these books
– The Eldest daughter effect by Lisette Schuitemaker (that talks about the oversized sense of responsibility)
– I don’t have to make Everything all Better by Tim Irwin (This is absolutely fantastic!!!!)
– Deborah Tannen has 2 books – I only say this because I love you & You were always mom’s Favorite.
Oh hello there
Thank you, this is very helpful.
Anonymous
You don’t need a reason to a) start treating her as an adult or b) start behaving as an adult.
No, I can’t charge you a new flight, sorry! Or, sure, I’ll put it on my credit card and you need to pay me back next week.
No ranting. No raving. No temper tantrums. Decide what support you’re comfortable providing, do that openly and willingly, and for everything else say no with no ranting or anger.
You’re both the immature ones here.
Lalaland
+ 1 million to this. yes, your sister is crazy. yes, you can still have a good relationship and be mature.
Today I was overpowered with the love and acceptance of my family as-is, all their faults and beauty and their own level of self-awareness and judgment and mistakes and joy and happiness and personhood. I hope you too and you two can have such an epiphany
Annonnnn
You’re sister is an adult. You need to stop bailing her out. You absolutely can treat her like an adult, but for some reason you don’t want to. She doesn’t need to earn being treated like an adult, she IS one, even if it’s not the kind of adult you want her to be. If she flails, she flails. That’s on her, not you. I hope you say no when she asks if she can put her new flight on your CC. She’s never going to figure it out if you keep helping her.
I second therapy for you to work through this.
~signed, oldest who stopped trying to “help” younger sister YEARS ago.
First Year Anon
Exactly this. I am actually the younger one but my older sister is very immature and has called and cried and asked me to bail her out or to deal with her drama far too many times. She moved away and it was a huge blessing to not have to deal with her day to day drama, but I also set boundaries. I don’t reply to texts that are ranting about people about ridiculous things, I don’t engage in drama. I walk away if she’s being dramatic. I don’t tell her okay I’ll do this for you. She usually just moves on and we have conversations about other things. It’s REALLY HARD (I spent my youth and teen years constantly trying to placate her and make her feel better because I just wanted peace in the house) to do that, but once you start, it becomes easier. Let her fail. It is absolutely on her.
Anonymous
Also first born, also large age gaps (4 years older than sister, 7 1/2 years older than brother). We aren’t that close. My sister is absolutely spoiled by my mom, and I’ve learned to stop bailing her out. She expects my mom and I to fix her problems even though we live on opposite coasts. My mom gladly obliges as she is a massive narcissist and likes to feel wanted. I went to therapy several years ago, which was helpful at re-doing the narratives in my head about what a family is supposed to be. No family is like that, definitely not mine.
My brother lives 20 minutes from me, and he and I have opposite personalities. We see each other once or twice a month, and that’s fine. He is very introverted and adrift in life without real goals. He never finished college and floats from job to job. He lives with my mom even though he’s mid-20s. I feel no obligation to fix him, either.
Anonymous
Stop helping her. You’re not doing her any favors by helping and then resenting her for it. It’s much kinder to say no in the first place.
Younger sis
Hi, your sister does seem irresponsible, but I want to speak up from the younger sister’s perspective.
I am five years younger than my sister and we are also not close. She has taken a really linear path in life, which is really great. She married her high school sweetheart, had two kids, took many years out of the workforce when they were young, has a very traditional career for women, etc.
I’ve taken a much more meandering and adventurous track in life (although still objectively very type A, undergrad and grad from HYS), didn’t find a partner to settle down with until my late 30s, moved around the country a lot. I now have a really interesting and high powered career where I am responsible for PNL in the hundreds of millions and manage hundreds of people. It’s in an industry not traditional for women.
I am still locked into the role with her as “flaky younger sister” and any slight misstake I make i carefully logged as another flaky thing I did. Got delayed visiting her because of an emergency at work (which I called about well in advance) becomes a rant from her about how I can never honor my time commitments. Her running late due to kids or just normal life issues is considered just dealing with adult responsibilities but mine are indications of my irresponsibility.
It gets old really fast and my partner finds it absurd. In the world, I am a hard charging, incredibly responsible overachiever but in my family I literally can’t use the oven at my sister’s house because once when I was 16 I accidentally left a pot holder on the stove and it caught fire (which I caught immediately and did zero damage to anything).
Also, because I do not have kids (my partner and I have fertility issues), I am being “selfish” by not agreeing to her schedule for all family things. Of course I should entirely 100% travel to her around her family schedule because I “have less responsibilities in life.” No matter the fact that I am also an adult human with in-laws of my own, etc. and needs that should be factored into the overall family dynamic.
My sister has huge anger issues so my parents just go along with her demands rather than risk her wrath.
Annonnnn
Thank you for providing this perspective!
Anon
I think your sister is jealous of you!
Anon
Eh I think this is an oversimplification. I don’t have a sibling, so I don’t really have a dog in this fight. But it’s pretty common to revert into childhood patterns of behavior when you’re around your family. My dad still won’t let me light Hanukkah candles in his house because he still sees me as a kid. He’s definitely not jealous of my professional success.
younger sis
Agree, that my sister is not jealous of me exactly. She’s more just very into score keeping if that makes sense?
She has years long lists of my grievances that she brings out anytime that any time I make an additional “error.” It’s exhausting.
I just can’t break out of my role in the family and it really sucks. My sister has a lot of anger at me that “I’m not close to her” but really she doesn’t want to have a relationship of equals she just wants me to slot very specifically into her life on her terms as her little sister.
I am super happy that she has a life that she wants and just want her to feel the same for me. It’s ok that we don’t want the same things in life! It’s not a race or a competition.
Anon
Yeah, I got the sense of a lot of this in OP’s comment.
Anon
You know the answer. You have to stop bailing her out. It may hurt your relationship in the short run but it will save it in the long run. Next time she calls you for money or help say no. You don’t owe her a why. Simply say no.
Anon
To add to this, after I re-read your post. You’re also going to have to be ok with her making her own decisions, even if you think they’re wrong or not what you would do. By financing or helping out with her current situation, you may feel you’ve bought the right to criticize her. But if you’re not involved financially or an advisory position, which is where you should be, you need to learn to STFU.
Vicky Austin
+1. Sometimes I’m bad at this, especially when I’m invested in the outcome and the person has deliberately ignored me. But it’s her life and you gotta let her live it. She won’t learn any other way.
FFS
Yep. This may have been something I read here, but it’s “deal with the acute suck to avoid the chronic suck.” Rip off the bandaid, it’s not getting better.
lawsuited
I have sisters that are about a decade younger than me too. I struggled to make the transition from parent-adjacent figure (helping them apply for university, taking them on campus tours, helping them find apartments, helping them move in, helping them write cover letters and resumes to apply for jobs, taking them shopping for work clothes, finding a family doctor for them, helping them arrange travel, helping them arrange insurance, helping them prepare and file taxes, and on and on) to sister, but, with the help and therapy, things are much better now. Things that help:
1. Realizing I was part of the problem because I was swooping in too often to do too much like the worst helicopter parent (helping my 20-something sister book a flight? Ridiculous.)
2. Keeping my advice to myself. I was perpetuating the parent/child role rather than approaching it as a relationship of 2 equals. They still sometimes come to me for advice and when I respond I ask myself “is this how I’d speak to one of my friend rather than how I’d speak to one of my children” to keep myself in check.
3. Ask your sister for help. My sisters are young and vibrant and have a lot to offer, and letting them help me sometimes really helps with the resentment that had built up from me doing so much for them.
anon a mouse
Are you me? My sister is so similar, and I finally hit my limit when I literally bailed her out of jail. I did it, of course. And then took about a week to gather my thoughts. Then I called her and said: I love you, and I love spending time with you. But I’m not your safety net, and I’m not your parent. I want to be your friend, your equal. You need to understand that from this point forward, I am not your bank or your last resort. If you would like help or support planning for how to set up an emergency fund, I’m here for you. But I don’t like the dynamic this has created and I’m putting a stop to it.
I think it helped to have the conversation when there wasn’t an emergency pending. It’s been 8 years and she hasn’t asked me for a dime since, and we have slowly grown a lot closer.
A.
Hello, Me. My sister is five years younger and I could have written this almost verbatim. Unfortunately, she and I are now estranged…but she was not respectful of boundaries and I finally decided I needed to spend my energy on my job, husband, and three kids (not necessarily in that order). You’ve gotten great advice upthread — here are the highlights from my own situation:
– You cannot fix or, really, help her. You can be empathetic and caring, but that’s it. I agree that you should stop bailing her out. However, be prepared for her to be REALLY REALLY REALLY mad. Hold strong.
– She will be upset by any boundaries you put in place (see point number 1, above) — but again, I reiterate: hold strong.
– Therapy would be good. I went for years and only stopped b/c my great therapist moved away and I haven’t found a new one.
– I experienced the same anger issues as you do. I had to find other outlets — friends, working out, letting myself cry for awhile.
You’re not alone, but you do not have to have a relationship with her in order to have a full and happy life. While I’m insanely jealous of sibs who are close with one another, I’ve found many women in my life who have become like sisters to me and that’s beautiful in its own way. Hugs to you.
Anon
I mean, is she really the (only) immature one if you’re ranting and losing your sh!t when she calls?
Nikki Otero
As the oldest of 3 siblings, I think you should start letting her learn her life lessons on her own. Let her know at this point in her life, you can give her advice (whether or not she’ll take it), but she needs to start trying to figure things out on her own. Leave the past in the past. It just sounds like the people in your family have a hard time letting go of things. Sometimes when you become more open minded these things tend to be of unimportance.
Houda
Body image post
Update on my post weight gain, post haircut photoshoot. I had a one hour session with a photographer. I went in with an essay I wrote about “Brand Houda”, what makes me special and what I want my aesthetic to convey the moment I step into a room. He really appreciated it and used it as a guide.
I received my photos a couple days ago. Some of the photos are your standard professional headshot, but I also made few photos with a pitch black background that are so powerful and am keeping for myself.
I am glad I did it because it helped boost my self-esteem. I have changed my LinkedIn and my company photo for a pitch deck I am working on.
I am working on losing the 10 kg I had gained slowly in a healthy way.
In the meantime, I feel much better about how I look and am back to wearing gorgeous dresses, perfect understated makeup and carrying myself like the overachieving chick that I am (after noticing, I started trying to hunch my back and act small because I felt big…whatever… I’m done).
It feels good to be back
Rebel maybe
Congrats…I have been down on myself lately and this is inspiring…Glad YOU are back!
Irish Midori
I love this. Go you!
cbackson
YAY! I’m so glad you did this, Houda.
Never too many shoes...
Amazing. I had new work shots done yesterday and hope that I feel that way when I see the proofs!
Katie
Love this! You ARE a boss and deserve to feel like one too! I’m so happy for you.
NOLA
Good for you! A friend and I were talking about looking back at photos when we thought we were fat and we absolutely weren’t. We all need to learn to love ourselves and take care of ourselves.
Abby
I do this all the time (thinking I’m fat/looking back to see that I was not) and it’s so frustrating! Learning to love my body is probably my biggest struggle. Good for you Houda!
Housecounsel
Houda, you are awesome and inspiring.
Legally Brunette
I love this so much. Go Houda!
Rainbow Hair
Aah, I love this update! Sometimes I think about how loving ourselves the way we are is subversive, like everyone out there is telling us we have to be more this or that, and to be able to walk through the world like “actually, I’m neither this nor that, and I think I’m the freakin’ best!” … good way to stick it to The Man.
Ms B
You are an inspiration! This is motivating me to up my professional game.
Houda
Thank you for these kind words. I know to always trust this community for the morale boost
Senior Attorney
Hooray! Standing ovation!
Anonymous
I love the looks of this dress but not familiar with the brand. Can anybody who owns it comment on quality/fit?
Anon
I have this dress. I have a petite pear shape, and while I do like the dress, I think that this would fit someone with a straight or apple shape better. The pockets on this hit me in a weird place, and I had them cut out. I also think that while the dress is marketed as petite, and is the right length for a petite dress, the waist hits at the normal spot, which is a bit too low for me and most “petite” styles. Other complaints are that the sash does not stay put well because the fabric is slippery. Also, because the sleeves poke out, they are visible under a sweater, so I can only wear a sweater blazer or blazer over this.
Overall: I kept the dress because I wanted to love it. It is not the best dress for me, but it might be for you. I saw it on another person in real life last week, and it looked like it does on the model.
Anonymous
My wallet thanks you for talking me out of it :)
Anon
I got this dress recently and I love it! I’m widest at the hips so I love being able to tie the sash at my natural waist and accentuate that part of my shape. I’m normally a size 6 and went with a medium for the extra room in the hip area, but might have been able to get away with a small. In general, Of Mercer’s return policy is great (30 days for full refund), so no harm in giving it a try and sending back if it’s not for you! I have about 5 of their pieces and am really happy with all of them.
Anonymous
I have it. 5’5″, 125 slight hour glass or apple shape. I ordered a 6 (not petite) and it is really baggy. LOVE the color, material, neckline and fact that it washes like a dream, so I still wear it, but I definitely need the tie until I hopefully muster up the energy to get to the seamstress and have it taken in. It is also about 1 inch longer than I’d like, but would most would probably be fine with length. So, my summation is, it is a great dress, but lacking in tailoring, so factor in the expense and time for a trip to a good tailor.
Anon
Do you think it would help to size down?
anon
I’ve heard that I shouldn’t wear suit jackets as blazers with non-suit items, so I’m wondering what makes a jacket stand out as a suit jacket? Specifically, I’m eyeing this that I’d wear with separates (solid colors):
https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/boss-jalesta-suit-jacket-regular-petite/5272132?origin=shoppingbag
Panda Bear
I think this would work well with solid separates. To me, suit jackets seem to look best with other items when they contrast distinctly in color, texture or pattern. So I probably wouldn’t like the look of a light grey wool suit jacket with dark grey wool pants, but the jacket could work with black pants. Of if I want to pair two black items, I would want the jacket to be a nubby tweed paired with plain woven pants.
nom
Fashion aside, I think some of the advice about not wearing suit jackets as separates has to do with the jacket getting more wear than the pants. If one piece gets more wear (and is cleaned more often, etc), and it’s noticable when the two pieces are next to each other, then you can’t wear it as a suit any more.
IMO the solution to this is to just wear the pants as separates as often as you wear the jacket, and/or get them cleaned equally often. My pants/skirts tend to need more frequent cleaning anyway, so this doesn’t worry me too much (but also I don’t really wear suits, so YMMV).
Anon
This comes from menswear. Menswear traditionally had full suits vs sport coats. Full suits tended to be wool gabardine, very smooth, and cut to be worn just with the pants. Sport coats tended to be cut a little looser and meant to be worn with non matching pants. So they’d be a tweed or a navy wool flannel with brass buttons – they definitely telegraphed a slightly more casual feel than a suit. If you try to imagine a men’s outfit with an open-collared button down shirt and nice khaki pants, a tweed sport coat and loafers, it works. If you imagine a man trying to pull off this same outfit but subbing in his grey close-cut suit jacket, it does not work.
So they try to apply the same rules to women. But women’s wear is different. Unless it’s a very traditional almost man-tailored suit, women’s wear tends to be sold as separates. So that theory jacket was made to be able to be worn with pants or a skirt other than the matching pair.
If you have a very cookie cutter suit then your jacket may look wrong worn as a blazer with non matching separates, like the men’s example above. Your eye will probably tell you if it doesn’t work, and I would go with that.
Is it Friday yet?
I think this is spot on.
Anonymous
+1. Also, I have been able to wear almost all of my suiting jackets mixed with dresses, except the pinstripes.
Redux
I think you’re right that this is where the advice comes from, but I also think it’s outdated. Lots of hip men in my world wear true suit jackets with jeans and a button down (and sneakers!) as their regular cool-profesh look.
Anon
Yes I wrote the menswear response and I agree. I was trying to keep my comments about menswear in the past tense, as in this is what is traditional. I agree that menswear has also evolved and changed.
That said, real suit jacket with jeans and fancy shoes is not my favorite. It’s a look I see on certain men here in the Bay Area pretty frequently when they’re trying to telegraph “I spent $150k on this Tesla because I care about the enviro!” Or “Yeah, I’m the boss and I’m rich AF but I’m still caj”
Redux
Ha that’s so funny. Here on the east coast it’s more of a professorial look.
PolyD
I think men have to be fairly tall and moderately thin, and somewhat European-looking to pull this off. Or go the other route and be Jeremy Clarkson.
Anonimoose
I think this pick is beautiful. If I hadn’t reached my clothing budget this month, it would be in my shopping cart right now.
Anon
Lol – you have a lot more will power than I do! I couldn’t help it and bought it in another color, already have the green!
Bright Sun-shiny Day
Those of you who reapply sunscreen over your makeup through the day, what do you use? Setting spray? Powdered? Magic? I sit near a window, and am finally acknowledging that 7 am application is insufficient. I’m not coordinated enough to use a fluid and not get it on my work clothes, but I’d love to touch up at lunch. Thanks!
Sunscreen
Coola makes a spray.
Anonymous
Supergoop makes a setting powder with spf.
lawsuited
I apply SPF50 sunscreen under my SPF50 BB cream (which I *don’t* set with a setting powder or this would not work), so that lasts me a while but if I need to add more sun protection I dab on more sunscreen with a beauty blender. I think it moves my BB cream around a bit but the beauty blender helps blend it back in.
If I’m wearing more makeup and having it stay perfect is important (like an outdoor wedding) then I use a Kate Somerville SPF spray but it’s pricey so I try to use it sparingly.
anon
I keep ColoreScience Loose Mineral Sunscreen in my purse. It has an application brush built in and provides just a touch of foundation-type coverage, which I appreciate on long days.
Wardrobe SOS
I’ve been anywhere from a size 10-14 in the last 5 years in BR, AT, Loft sizes. I’m 5’7″ (don’t need tall sizing) and work in an office with no official dress code but it’s somewhere between business casual and business formal depending on your day (client facing meetings = suit jacket). It’s mostly men in the office, so women have some latitude. Suit separates suffice for most formal settings for me.
I had a baby 12 months ago. I’ve lost some, but not all, of that baby weight though I’m picking away at the last 10-15 lbs slowly. Baby #2 is in the next 18 months (hopefully). I wanted to wait for #2 before investing in my wardrobe but I feel so freaking shlubby at work. I’m not an attorney but I’m in finance with a partner/associate dynamic. I’m a junior partner, client facing, on a steep upward trajectory and I just can’t wait for baby #2 to pick up my game.
Our office head is a woman and on her non-important meeting days she channels Olivia Pope and Claire Underwood – neturals with the occasional pop of color, mostly structured, crisp. I know she uses Trunk Club and has a limitless budget for her wardrobe. She’s about 40 years old. I look at her as someone I’d love to channel myself but I really need to step it up for my own confidence, more than anything. What’s a girl to do? I’m willing to spend some money, but don’t need every piece to be a $400 dress. Nordstrom personal shopper? Styling appointment at MMLaFleur? Any other res? I feel lost in this process and just want my body (and confidence) back.
Diana Barry
Have you tried Boden dresses? It depends on your body type, but I *love* them for work and they give off a polished vibe without being $400! :)
anon
I think this is doable. Go for quality, not quantity, and mostly neutral colors. When you’re having lots of weight fluctuations (been there), it may be easier to choose dresses than tops + pants. I also think upping your shoe game can help. I was resistant for a long time, but polished shoes (literally and figuratively) really do make a difference.
When I was in a similar place, I chose several Boden ottoman dresses (on sale). I am a pants person at heart, so I had about 3 pairs that fit well (LOFT Marisa trousers) and just committed to washing more often. If they fell apart — oh well, they only needed to last so long. I picked tops in mostly neutrals and blues, with the occasional foray into my happy colors. Also, during that phase where I knew I was in-between pregnancies, I sort of bucked conventional wisdom to buy loose, really forgiving pieces because they just didn’t feel like ME. Instead, I bought the tailored styles that I normally gravitated over and sized up as needed.
When I’m not super happy with my body, focusing on finding a good hairstyle or changing my makeup routine gives me a boost.
And I hear you about the struggles of the not-quite-business-cas but not-quite-business-formal-either dress code. I’ve been doing it so long that I’ve mostly figured it out, but it is sort of a no-man’s land that requires more thought and planning than other dress codes.
Anon
I totally feel you – I can’t justify (no matter my budget) spending $400+ on a dress. I’m glad this post featured Of Mercer because I’ve been to them for styling appointments before. Similar to MMLafleur, but made in New York, better price point, and you can take the clothing home same day. You actually can just go into their store in Nolita without an appt and shop regularly. I had an appointment while I was 5 months pregnant because I had heard about their maternity styles, and honestly I still wear a lot of the pieces as I get back to my pre-baby weight.
aBr
What helps for me – (i) buy clothes in the size that fits, not the size you think should fit (aka give yourself permission to get a size up and not care – mentally sometimes this is easier with italian/french/uk sizing since you aren’t bought in to what size you think you should be); (ii) spend money on clothes that will fit with a larger weight swing – for me an a line dress will generally fit +/- 10lbs because I typically gain weight in my lower half; (iii) think beyond just clothing – jewelry, shoes, purses can all really elevate a look to make it more “put together” even if you are just wearing jeans and a target black shirt.
Katie
I agree with this. I fluctuate a lot, and simple but polished dresses are my go-to as they accommodate those fluctuations so much better than pants (for my body anyway). Boden is a great resource for reasonably priced pieces that look more expensive than they are. I’ve also done really well at Talbots for classic pieces that hold up well, and maybe treat yourself to a new pair of heels, or get yours polished or resoled as needed. Good shoes elevate everything!
Anon
I remember what it’s like to want your body back and to be sick of maternity clothes and to feel schlubby after having a baby.
But I also remember what it’s like to buy a bunch of new work clothes only to get spit up and snot on them and then get pregnant again (kids are 21 months apart) and then never be able to wear those clothes again.
So what I’m saying is, yes, treat yo self, but be practical about it. You’re not going to get to full Claire Underwood at this point. I’d buy a few nice washable dresses from MM Lafleur or Boden, as recommended above, and call it good.
Anonymous
What about a subscription service so you can get clothes that fit now as your size changes – doesn’t Ann Taylor have one?
Irish Midori
The dress is a wee bit short for my taste (for work) on that model, but maybe she’s super tall.
Housecounsel
I thought so too. The size chart very helpfully lists the length in each separate size. The medium is 37.25, if I remember correctly. I much prefer 39 inches.
Anon
Yeah, 37 inches is pretty short. For reference, I’m tall (5’11”) and need well over 40” – like if I see a dress that’s 42” or 43” I’m very happy.
lsw
+1, so pretty, so short!
Anon
This is the first piece I’ve gotten from Of Mercer that I haven’t had to hem! I’m 5’3″ and almost all their styles are too long on me, but hemming is super easy and they even provide a service in house for the other shorties out there. If you’re looking for some longer dresses, I’d recommend checking the “Tall” section on their site. Most of them are over 40″ lengths – especially Dupont, Tompkins, Allen, Ellis, and long Sutton Wrap.
Houda
This dress would have been perfection for me, ticks all the boxes: petite friendly, slightly flared, defined waist, green…except it’s all polyester.
emeralds
Agreed, I was thinking about it until I saw the fiber content. I’m not spending almost $200 for polyester.
Leaving
I’m leaving a small firm. For reasons I don’t want to get to here, I really don’t want to have the goodbye lunch that is our tradition when partners or associates leave. How can I decline this gracefully?
anon
I’m not sure that you can, honestly. If that’s the tradition, it will stand out in a not-good way. Think of a goodbye lunch as your last act of diplomacy at your current firm.
Anonymous
You can’t. Someone did this at my firm and it’s still talked about as incredibly weird. It is one lunch. Sit through it.
The Original ...
If you want to keep professional contact or if you may ever need to work with them again or gain a recommendation from them, you probably have to grin and bear it since it’d be super obvious to folks if they do this for everyone and didn’t for you, especially if it makes them maybe think you were fired instead of chose to leave. If the situation that made you leave is due to feeling unsafe and you’re okay with leaving folks maybe wondering a bit, you could try talking with the person who plans these events. Maybe you could ask that, instead of a full lunch, is it possible to do coffee/bagels as you are trying to wrap up everything before leaving and need to work through lunches until you leave?
Anon
While you don’t want to explain the reasons specifically, can you give us generalities? Are you leaving due to harassment or being forced out, or do you simply dislike your colleagues and not want to spend more time with them?
Kate
Schedule something else. “I really appreciate the offer – I have [dental appointment, lunch with mom, moving whatever] every day that week to prepare for the transition.”
Anonymous
Can you suggest an alternative like a mid-morning coffee break with coffee and muffins or cake in the conference room?
Good luck
See if you can bring a co-worker/friend? A co-worker/friend dragged me to her good-bye lunch with our office lead. Only semi-awkward.
Sorry, all the ways I can think to get out of this involve burning bridges in a dramatic and semi-hilarious fashion. I mean, not hilarious at the time but certainly making good stories later.
Some inspiration: https://www.askamanager.org/2017/10/resigning-via-cod-a-glorious-out-of-office-message-and-other-quitting-stories.html
Equestrian attorney
You can decline, but it will be virtually impossible to do so gracefully. Also, I left my firm in tense circumstances I won’t go into here, and was really dreading the lunch, but it ended up being better than expected and gave me some peace about the situation and my time there. So my recommendation is go anyway – I would have seriously severed a bridge if I hadn’t gone, whereas I still attend alumni events and benefit from the firm’s network now.
Anon
Assuming you’re on good enough terms that you can serve out your two week notice, you can and should go to lunch. It will burn bridges not to. The only scenario I can think of in which I wouldn’t go is if someone at the firm had assaulted me and I was trying to avoid that person, but I doubt I’d be serving out my two weeks in that scenario.
Anon
I left a job I held for so long, too long, so it was like leaving family. I didn’t want a goodbye lunch or anything because I was just done and because I was very emotional about leaving – nostalgic for how happy I’d been there, sad about what the company had become, and racked with doubt over whether I was doing the right thing by leaving.
But they really really wanted to do something for me, so they had a cake on my last day, and everyone came in, and I had to say a few words….. and I burst into tears. It was exactly what I didn’t want to happen and why I didn’t want the celebration.
But nearly three years out, in hindsight, it was the right decision to leave, and it is OK that I cried. I did love many if not most of my coworkers, and I’m glad they know it. I’m a human being and I have emotions and it’s ok.
I don’t know if any of this is what you’re struggling with. But the thing is, they want to throw the lunch for you. It’s for them. So let them. Be a good sport about it. You won’t regret it.
lawsuited
Schedule a hearing for your last 3 days in the office – that’s what I did :(
Anon
Been there done that. The mediocre lunch was excruciating as all but one attorney couldn’t hardly wait to see the back of me, but the support staff gave me a very nice gift. When I was tying up loose ends I went through the staff who had been kind. I moved away. Many years later when I needed a favor in that town I tentatively contacted the one attorney who hadn’t wanted me gone. He did my favor willingly and though it was more than a decade later complimented me on my fairly graceful exit under pressure. TDLR: suck it up and do the lunch because you never know who you might need in the future.
Anon Lawyer
I’m six weeks pregnant after IVF. Obviously, I’m delighted (though still really nervous since I know how often things go wrong at this stage). The first ultrasound is tomorrow, which is super nervewracking since they’re supposed to see a heartbeat.
But, even this early on, pregnancy is kicking my ass. I generally never get sick, but now I have a cold that’s been dragging on for going on two weeks. And I woke up Sunday with a vicious UTI. I know pregnancy increases the risk of all these things, but yikes. Anyway to pump up your immune system while pregnant?
And meanwhile, I don’t feel like I have the typical pregnancy symptoms, which worries me. A little bit of nausea, but I’ve credited that to things like the cold and the antibiotics and it’s not consistent. And I’m tired, but again . . . sick. So I don’t know.
Anon
Yeah I was sick constantly while pregnant, despite rarely getting sick before or after. It is what it is, sorry. I wouldn’t worry about the lack of official symptoms. I never had nausea and a healthy baby (and a girl at that, which goes against the old wives tales that girls make you more nauseous). Congrats!
BabyPumpkin
I was a mess first trimester: tired, multiple yeast infections and mentally all over the place. The second trimester was much, much better for two reasons. First, your body adjust to the hormones and you feel physically better. Second, you can tell people and you get more emotional support. Good luck!
Anon
It’s still a bit early to feel symptoms, but not everyone gets the stereotypical symptoms like morning sickness, cravings, and feeling tired. I didn’t.
Batgirl
Congrats! I have been fortunate enough to have been in your shoes twice after a ton of IVF. I’m pulling for you to hear the heartbeat! Risks drop dramatically after you do.
I didn’t get many symptoms until around 7-8ish weeks and then I felt nauseous all the time, in a carsick sort of way, not in a puking sort of way, fortunately. It helped to eat little snacks (protein was important for me so cheese sticks, yogurts, nuts, etc) every 3-4 hours.
And yes, I caught everything going around. You can’t take Vitamin C packets (i.e. Emergencee) but you can take extra vitamin D. That helped me a lot.
TheElms
Congrats! Just to give you additional comfort, I had no symptoms in early pregnancy and didn’t get the first trimester exhaustion until about week 9-10 and then it was very real for about a month and then vanished. I did however get two vicious colds that knocked me on my backside for at least 2-4 weeks each at 12 weeks and 30 weeks. Each time I had been travelling for work with really long days so I blamed the airplane / general exhaustion. 35 weeks now.
oil in houston
congrats, am pregnant from IVF myself so know the feeling of stress that comes with it. are you taking your prenatal vitamins? It really helped me and I’ve rarely been sick this winter.
On your symptoms – if you’re still taking progesterone and estrogen, don’t underestimate the impact those have on your body, you should feel a lot better when you can stop them (although it might not help your stress level…)
good luck
anon for this
Due to some medical problems that took years to resolve, I have extra weight around my lower abs. Not all the way around, just in one spot. It makes clothes fit weird since it’s a spot thing, not an “throughout” thing. Debating c00lscuplting or something but wondering if it’s worth the cost and whether this is a “society makes women hate themselves for not looking like tiny models” or a “do what you need to feel good in your skin” thing. Advice/Help/Commiseration?
Housecounsel
I can’t comment on the effectiveness of Coolsculpting, but please, please, please do what you need to feel good in your skin. If something bothers you and it’s fixable, fix it. You can’t be responsible for singlehandedly fighting societal stereotypes at the expense of your own self-esteem. I once heard it said that plastic surgery can be vanity or the opposite of vanity. I used to think about my nose every single day. I had it fixed. Now I never think about it. I think that’s the opposite of vanity.
Anon
If a non-invasive clinically proven spot fat reduction treatment will make your clothes fit better and make you feel better, go for it. Rejecting typically standards of beauty and embracing your body is admirable, but not always right for everyone – and on this topic I say no one can judge you for trying to be more comfortable with your body unless they literally make no efforts to maintain their aesthetics beyond being hygienic.
But doing what you need to feel good in your skin, especially if its non-invasive like cool sculpting, is something I advocate – in your case in particular since it’s one awkward spot resulting from a medical issue that makes your daily life more difficult.
anon
Vent… (though feel free to share your nightmare stories too!)
If you didn’t throw the shower or party, you don’t get to kvetch about the person who did and whether you liked their tone when they sent RSVP reminders or posted FAQs to cut down on the number of emails/calls they were receiving because you think the reminders didn’t apply to you/weren’t helpful to you. You also don’t get to not RSVP and then show up to a small event (under 20 people) with an uninvited plus one. In addition, you don’t get to bring up your unhappiness with the host at the event by shouting it loudly through the room during the event. You also don’t get to interrupt the host’s toast by chanting the “shots shots shots”* song, especially when the party’s focus doesn’t drink so it’s just you and your friends wanting to take shots. Finally, you don’t get to send days of repeated messages to the host after the event, stating you disliked the host’s tone in a reminder message, nor do you get to begin to name call the person and tell her everyone at the event hated her. It’s bizarre behavior that doesn’t make the host rethink her tone, it makes her think you can’t tell the difference between a baby shower she had waited years to get to throw and someone who can’t tell that this isn’t a nightclub event.
Who DOES that?!
*This in no way invalidates or undermines the epicness of OUR Shots Shots Shots poster, who is awesome!
Shots. Shots. Shots.
Thank you I appreciate that. I am all about post baby shower shots. Sometimes you need to try and get knocked up at a bar in a Best Western in a midwestern suburb to survive post-baby shower emotions, and I’m here to support all of you in those endeavors. But there is a time and place for me, and to be honest being in the same place as that weird punch with the rainbow sherbet gives me hives, so please don’t try and make me a thing during a baby shower.
Ms B
**Applause** for SSS!
Zinfindel
You are so tactful, such an example to us all.
pugsnbourbon
I may have pre-gamed a baby shower once or twice, but I wouldn’t do shots AT the event. Sheesh.
I would bet a large sum that all your guests save this one enjoyed themselves and, most importantly, the mom-to-be felt loved and special. Hopefully this person finds another object of her weirdness soon and leaves you alone.
Anon
This person sounds awful/insane and you have our permission to delete her messages unread and cut her out of your life.
Anon
Awful! I thought one of my wedding guests behaved badly because she was annoyed she didn’t get a plus one (she wasn’t dating anyone, even casually) and complained loudly about that fact at the reception to anyone who would listen, but it was 1/10th as bad as what you’re describing.
Anonymous
” As you have clearly stated that you did not enjoy the event, I will not to impose upon you by extending an invitation to events I host in the future.”
Worry about yourself
What a terrible guest! I’ll admit, my etiquette is not perfect, although I do make an effort, but this person sounds like a nightmare. I am curious, is she, to your knowledge, like this at other parties, or was there something about THIS shower (or host) that motivated her to drop all manners and be rude as heck?
anon
Awful! I’ll add one…
You don’t get to complain that the cookies at a funeral are a “little dry” when the person that lovingly made those cookies by hand in memory of the deceased is also the person who put together the entire funeral.
Anon
Oh god…
“If you have nothing nice to say, keep your mouth shut.” People should take this advice at funerals, weddings, and any other situations that are emotionally charged. Or even more often than that, but especially in those situations.
Anon
I see you know my grandmother.
Edna Mazur
I literally snorted at this.
Anon
I have…thoughts. I have generally found that the people who are rude about parties (fail to RSVP, bring extra guests, complain or nitpick) are the ones WHO NEVER HOST THEIR OWN PARTIES. They have zero clue about the time, energy and expense of hosting because they never do it. So they sit back and act like brats. The best way to handle them is to stop inviting them altogether. (I know that probably wasn’t an option here – but I feel your pain.)
Anon
I also get the feeling that the guest in question despises attending events where the person getting all the attention is not her.
Anon
Heh.
You’re almost certainly right. (Considers own sister’s behaviour at wedding…..)
Worry about yourself
I never thought of this, but you’re probably right. They have an idea of what they’re entitled to as a guest, but have no idea what goes into meeting those needs.
On the flipside, there may be people who are nitpicky about party details because they put a ton of effort into their own parties, like way more than most people can, and fail to understand why others can’t put in the same amount of effort they do.
Anon
I recently moved to a new city and transferred membership in a women’s volunteer group. I am filling the term of a vacant board position. The committee that “reports” to me has a fundraiser next month. This is an annual event that changes a little bit every year (used to be a gala, now it’s more of a dress up BBQ with raffle items). The committee membership has plummeted from 15 to 5 in the last month, so I volunteered to act as a committee member. We are weeks away from the event, we only have RSVPs to fill a quarter of the event space/expected ticket sales and we have about six raffle items. I asked if the committee would meet last week, and I pushed people to divide up a list of potential donors to contact before our meeting next week. I also started a list of raffle items to see if we need to buy anything to ‘fill out’ baskets/displays. The committee chair seems to think everything will just fall into place, but she’s also going to be traveling for work for the three weeks prior to the event, and will only be able to be at the event the first hour. The rest of the board assures me that the chair has a vision because was vice-chair last year. I am trying really hard not to takeover, but I would like to see this event be successful, and it doesn’t sound like many people buy tickets at the door or donors just ‘appear’ with raffle items. I am hoping for guidance or stories on both sides of this – am I being a control freak? Have you felt like an outsider tried to control your event? Have you stepped in to guide/lead a volunteer activity, and what have you said to make sure you’re not stepping on toes?
Anonymous
Just chill. You just joined. Do what you’re told, see how it goes. You aren’t personally responsible for this.
Senior Attorney
This times a million. I have what I call The Free Market Theory of Volunteer Organizations, which goes something like this: Organizations support the events they want. If this organization wants a successful fundraiser, the organization will make it happen (and it’s not inconceivable that their M.O. is to wait until the last minute and pull a rabbit out of its collective hat — I’ve seen that happen). If not, it won’t and that will be a sign that the even wasn’t something the organization really wanted. Either way, it’s absolutely not up to you to take over and make it successful. I swear.
anon
This is good advice for so many situations, work ones included. (My latest mantra is: I cannot care more than the people who are supposedly leaders and get paid quadruple what I make.)
OP, it’s not up to you to rescue this event, which it seems that nobody is really that invested in.
Flats Only
This. I am involved in a similar endeavor, and it DOES actually all fall into place in the last couple of weeks before the event. Someone joining the group late and freaking out about how we do things will be met with a whole lot of eye rolling and not make many friends.
Vicky Austin
Does anybody have experience with Emile Henry bakeware? I’m on the hunt for a broiler-safe baking dish and so far they’re the only brand I’ve seen to explicitly state “broiler-safe.” I’ll take any other recs you have, too. TIA!
NOLA
I have Emile Henry pie plates and they are great, although I’ve had no occasion to use them in a broiler. They do get stained over time (blueberries, etc) but that hasn’t bothered me.
Cat
I’ve never put mine in the broiler, but I have several of their baking pieces that have held up beautifully for 10+ years.
anne-on
I’ve definitely put my LeCrusets in the oven at 425 and up to 450 for a short time and it’s been going strong for 9+ yrs. I can’t speak to Emile Henry though.
Ms B
Nordic Ware, no question. Not the prettiest, but holds up great in high heat and cleans up well (you can even use steel wool on the uncoated pans). There’s a reason they use these in restaurant kitchens . . .
Frugal Saver
Own a lot and use it frequently. I have Emile Henry onion soup bowls that I’ve put in the broiler, and the same with pie plates (have to brown that meringue!) I have pieces that range from 1 year old to 25 years old.
Beebo Brinker
I have two Emile Henry dishes, I use both under the broiler. In fact I use all of my oven dishes in the broiler – any sort of casserole/ pasta dish gets a hit under the broiler at the end of cooking to get that nice crusty top. I would think anything marked oven safe could be considered broiler safe – unless it has handles or knobs of a different material. For example I would never put a le creuset lid under the broiler regardless of whether it has the plastic or metal knob on the lid. However, I would question any recipe that had you use a broiler and a lid to a dish – the benefit of the broiler is the direct heat on the food, the lid would eliminate that?
Vicky Austin
Hey, this is a really helpful comment, so thank you! I think I’m just once bitten, twice shy – I broke a cheap Target casserole dish a couple months ago that was designated “oven safe to 450,” and I’d preheated the pan in the oven at 450 for a few minutes. It just splintered into two halfway through baking time. I have my theories (food was too cold, pan temp got above 450 because of preheating) but wanted to be safe. Thanks for reassuring me that oven safe is probably reasonably broiler safe. :)
Anonymous
We were gifted Portmeiron baking dishes and they have held up to decades of use.
JustMe
Do you think this “nail art” trend will ever die? of all the non-professional things to see in the office.
Anon
What do you mean by nail art?
Are you the same post that got angry that young women were wearing their hair long and wearing flats and backpacks? If so, you should really stop thinking so hard about other people’s fashion choices.
Anon
I like nail art!
Rainbow Hair
I had chrome nails last year and it was the best thing ever. I wanted to run out and buy casual-wear leggings when that one sanctimonious mom’s letter went viral, and now I want to do some nail art like ASAP.
Also, no, I don’t think it will die. It’s been around forever. For example: https://sailorsandsirens.wordpress.com/2013/03/08/vintage-claws-2/
Anon
I heart you, Rainbow Hair!
Senior Attorney
OMG now I want chrome nails…
Rainbow Hair
My nails were wrecked for a while afterward, but while they were there, I had the best best best nails.
Anon
Yup, just you.
Anon for this
I hope not! My nails are lovely! And my hands used to be a hot mess. But now I am cheered and delighted when I look at my delightful nail polish.
Good luck
Also… a lot of criticism against nail art and nail trends is very class-based and yes race-based.
Rainbow Hair
Yeap, this is a fact.
Anon
I don’t personally like the long pointy nail trend but I didn’t like the super square nail trend either and I’m just waiting them both out. I do like polished nails, but I just think they look better and more professional if they’re relatively short.
Rainbow Hair
I love the talon-y trend (though I haven’t successfully rocked it – boo real life) but I find the square tips really unflattering on my fingers (what does that even mean, self?!) and I wish I could find good fake nails with talon-y points. (I have never successfully rocked fake nails either, but I have a fantasy about popping some on for like, a girls night?)
But bigger picture, I find it fascinating how things like “shape of finger nails” have trend cycles.
JS
What about coffin shaped! I too love square but not on my fingers and coffin is a great in between shape.
Rainbow Hair
Well, based on the name alone, I’m into it.
In-House Newbie
I have an upcoming meeting with my boss (GC) to discuss my personal goals for 2019. As a new in-house lawyer (coming from a litigation practice), I don’t have any experience setting personal goals in a corporate environment and would certainly appreciate any advice for a productive conversation in which I appear prepared and poised. Thanks for any help!
Pretty Primadonna
I would include forging relationships with key stakeholders in the company as a goal.
Anonymous
I’m a GC and am always interested in suggestions from my attorneys about how we can increase efficiency, particularly in recurring tasks. Are there areas of your work where you can recommend ways to improve or streamline the process? If so, that’s a fantastic goal.
Anonymous
I’m in-house and my personal goals this year focus on communication to internal clients on certain high-profile issues and decreasing how much is spent on outside counsel.
NOLA
I don’t know how people do online dating for any length of time. I swear, the number of clueless people out there! I’m hopeful over all (date with a hot guy this evening!), but geez louise, the stuff you have to wade through – the guy who lists CONSERVATIVE (in all caps) then wants to chat with me, despite the fact that I say liberal/progressive all over my profile, the guy who keeps sending me messages that are verbatim the suggested messaging text and can’t be bothered to actually converse (I messaged him back to say no, try harder), and the guy who wanted to constantly text me at times when I’m absolutely not available to chat and then got put out when I couldn’t respond. Ugh. Just a rant..
Anon
It’s just not that hard:
Tinder – swipe
All others – delete, ignore.
If you find it this exhausting, I think you’re putting in way too much effort and mental energy. Why do you care if the conservative guy messages you? Not a match – delete, block, don’t think about him anymore.
And don’t give people your real number until you’ve met them a couple times in person.
Anon
Yeah, gently, people do this for many years. If you’re finding it this exhausting after a couple weeks you either need to reframe so it’s not taking so much mental energy, or online dating isn’t right for you.
NOLA
I don’t find it exhausting and I’m not spending a lot of time on it, honestly. I’m just surprised at how many guys think they can just half-ass this and have someone respond.
Annonnnn
They do because they can. It’s not by or with you, but they still get women to bite. The amount of shirtless, fish-holding men (among other undesirable-to-me men in my area is ridiculous). However, just because I am not into it, doesn’t mean other women aren’t! Good for them, DEFINITELY NOT for me. :)
NOLA
Oh my god, the guys with no shirt on in the picture!! No…and I’m not even talking about guys who have great bodies.
Annonnnn
I always sent the truly tragic ones to my bffs. Very good for laughs on hard days!
How Long
When I first started online dating, I devoted a lot of mental energy to it, and found similar characters to be annoying and confounding, so I get NOLA’s feelings. It took some time to realize that I could just let some of that stuff roll off my back and not pay attention to it. I think it’s just a new experience for her.
After a few months, I felt like a pro, knowing the hallmarks of guys I wouldn’t like.
One big thing that has helped me is that when I feel overwhelmed or start getting mad about little things, I take a break. Sometimes a week, sometimes longer, but it helps me reset and come back with fresh excitement.
Anonymous
Same, and I’m not even doing online dating…just getting hit on via social media friends of friends. One guy says “no response” when I didn’t respond. Yes…maybe that’s a sign? Another kept messaging me and finally said, “you mad at me?” as if I could be mad at a stranger. No, I just don’t think about you as I don’t know you and don’t want to.
NOLA
After this guy didn’t understand why I couldn’t respond on a Sunday morning (I have a church singing job) and why my Sundays aren’t sitting around chatting with guys (I had only a few hours between church and an evening rehearsal), I just said, hey, it doesn’t look like our schedules are compatible.
Anon
Some people date people with different political views than they have. You don’t have to, but it’s ok that the conservative guy wanted to date you. You don’t have to accept. But there are lots of couples who enjoy an informed debate and who are open to hearing perspectives that differ from their own.
NOLA
I responded to him because he was a widower and seemed like a really nice guy. I said, you know, you’re pretty clear that you’re conservative (it’s mostly Catholic guys in Louisiana and it’s not all about politics) and I’m not, so you tell me if that’s okay. He responded that it wasn’t. Another guy said that he was fine with it, but then it was clear that he wasn’t.
cbackson
There is a lot of ridiculousness out there – the truth is that over time the annoyance just fades, which helps. But when you see it for the first time, there’s definitely a WTF response.
NOLA
That’s exactly it! I have definitely learned some lessons over the last couple of months. I mostly don’t bother to respond to most guys and I’m spending a lot less time on it over all. I just couldn’t help myself after the *second* stock message from the same guy. The guys who immediately want to exchange numbers are not worth it. No, I’m not going to call you. I don’t even know you. I don’t even call my best friends.
Anon
My strategy for Tinder in 2013ish was to swipe (with abandon and zero expectations) when I was bored or in line or whatever. I didn’t pay any attention at all to those who didn’t message me first. When I got a message I’d dig into the profile a bit more to see if I was interested. If I was, I’d respond. If not, I’d unmatch–it prevents that annoying second message. If someone annoyed me within the first few days, I’d unmatch with no guilt whatsoever. It sounds like you’re addressing the edge cases well, and I’d keep at it for those. I met my ex-bf of three years this way.
Things are a bit different now and I use Bumble and The League. Because Bumble requires me reaching out first, I will check my matches every few days when I feel up to sending a handful of “Hey, John! How’s your week going? Up to anything fun this weekend?” messages. I dig into each match a bit before sending those messages but have no expectation of a response. Unfortunately, things don’t seem to be clicking as much this round and I’m feeling a bit like it’s not even worth the minimal effort I’m putting in. The League, however, has been much better, though I’ve only been on it for a couple of weeks. Still no dates, though….
Anyhow, all of that to say, that’s how I manage not getting too invested or annoyed by the situation. No hesitation to unmatch and truly closely screening only the subset who I have already matched with. If you’re using Match*com (which I seem to remember you are), I wouldn’t hesitate to block people if I were you. They don’t have to do anything “wrong” to earn a block from me. It’s my way of simply giving a tight smile and walking away.
NOLA
Yep, that’s what I’ve been doing. Looking at matches, every couple of days, or when I feel like I have time, and very selectively liking people after I dig in to their profiles. Most of the time, I don’t click like on anyone. If someone likes me, I’ll look at their profile and decide if I care. One guy messaged me, “I’d tap that” on one of my Mardi Gras pics (in a wig) and I blocked him. Otherwise, just don’t much care. My friend encourages me to block people way more often than I bother doing it.
Anon
NOLA – I’m also in NOLA and a close friend of mine was online dating (including Tinder, Match, etc.) for quite a while. I got to see many of the guys and messages she got…. and I have to say there are some real weirdos out there. It’s not you; it’s New Orleans, (I think).
Anon
It’s online dating in general.
Anon
+1,000
NOLA
Yes! I do think it’s partly New Orleans (or Louisiana) and partly guys my age in New Orleans (or Louisiana). They are either the guys who LOVE every music festival and claim to want to go to clubs for live music constantly, or they’re businessmen who are very conservative. There are also a lot of “Jesus is my whole life” guys out there. I am mainstream, but progressive, Protestant and it’s really challenging. I’ve just been really picky.
Incognito Mode
To you and anyone else who’s dating online: I’ll put in a plug for Ok Cupid’s “incognito mode,” and any parallel option on other sites/apps. I purchased it because my job involves contact with hundreds of shady men, and I couldn’t feel comfortable running any risk that they could see or contact me on a dating app. Incognito means that nobody on there can see me unless or until I either like or message them. It’s amazing! My online dating experience consists only of men whom I have identified as interesting. It’s higher quality, lower quantity. And of course, if I change my mind on anyone, I flip a switch and he can no longer see me. OKC also only allows one introductory message–if the person doesn’t respond, you can’t write to them again. So no pouty or harassing follow-ups.
I bought 6 months and it worked out to about $10/mo. Totally worth it for me.
Anon
Astrology. Apparently it is super hot among millennial women right now?? There have been various articles about this phenomenon in the NYT/Atlantic/etc. (not linking to avoid mod.) I’ve also just seen it permeating culture.
My question – how is this a thing? Is it a thing among readers here? I’m truly just baffled by the idea of urban educated women being into astrology or believing that they should consider a date’s zodiac sign when assessing compatibility.
I don’t mean to judge or offend, but I was wondering where everyone else stood on this topic…
Anon
It’s huge among the 20-something women I work with. That said, I think it’s more of a joke or source of entertainment, I don’t think anyone really believes it’s true. But they definitely all check their horoscopes and discuss them ad nauseam.
Housecounsel
Giant waste of time and energy, but no better or worse than the ways I waste time and energy, I suppose. It can become harmful if people really use it to guide life decisions. I listen to a body positivity podcast that has recently started drifting into this drivel. They’re going to lose me; not sure if they will gain others.
Cat
What? This is… not a thing among my 30-something crowd. Maybe from time to time one of us teases another one for being a perfect example of what our sign’s traits are… like if a Leo is having a diva moment or a Virgo is being excessively picky… but as far as actually considering and relying on your sign to make real choices? NO.
Nati
Ditto. I actually DO possess all of the typical scorpio traits (and my partner and I joke about that). But beyond this, it’s not a subject of discussion or a consideration in making life choices.
lawsuited
I did birth charts for my husband, my children and myself so that when my husband complains about something I can say “that’s exactly what a triple Taurus *would* say!” or when he comments that our kid doesn’t focus enough during dinner time I can shrug and say “well, his moon is in Cancer”. It’s hilarious.
Anonymous
IDK I remember being super into it in my 20s when you feel like you don’t know how your adult life will work out, after a set course during school. Kinda fun when it turns out as predicted but mostly just something to chat/meme about.
cbackson
It’s not a thing with me, but, you know, I believe that a magic god man was born a few thousand years ago and came back to life after getting killed. And I believe that he’s someone one person but also three people, and also that when I talk to his mom or some of his other favorite people they hear me and offer comfort, so I’m already Team Irrationality.
Anon
+1
KonMari Addict
I love this explanation.
So much of what happens in life is irrational, or based on chance, and I find this kind of irrationality fun.
Anon
Hahahaha
I love that you also talk to magic god man’s mom
Annonnnn
I follow a young woman who works at the same company as me on IG. She is ALL ABOUT IT, as well as crystals and all that. I am on the very close-to-40 side of my 30s and she is in her late 20s. She listens to podcasts, gets daily from the universe emails, arranges her crystals, tracks her mood with the moons and signs (not sure my terminology is correct??). It’s fascinating to me because she definitely uses it to explain parts of her life instead of taking responsibility for them. I think it’s a load of dog crap, but there are for sure “influencers” who go on and on about it also.
anonshmanon
This. I don’t know that this is particularly big throughout any one age group, but ever since the internet, information and marketing are no longer controlled by gatekeepers or by large financial barriers to entry, so woo has been having a comeback. Homeopathy, vitamins, essential oils, crystals, and astrology can all have an entertainment/placebo/wellness value, but that’s pretty much it. If you’ve looked into one of these, the algorithms will suggest the others to you, much like the YouTube algorithm will suggest other conspiracies if you’ve watched anti-vaxx stuff.
Vicky Austin
I would never use it to decide who to marry or be friends with, or what career or financial moves to make. I also don’t use it to justify being rude, manipulative, inconsiderate, etc. That said, I read about it, think about how it can shed light on my familial relationships, and use it as a starting point to explain my own behavior to myself. E.g., I would never say to my husband or mom, “Stop being mean to me, I’m a Cancer and it hurts my feelings,” or “It’s okay that I manipulated you, I’m a Cancer and we do that.” But I might say to myself, “Gosh, I’m being very sensitive right now. How Cancerian of me. I gotta remember that’s not how everybody else sees things.”
Frankly, used the way I’ve described, how is it any different from Myers-Briggs?
Anon
It’s different from Meyers Briggs because MB is trying to figure out what makes you tick, and does not get into why you’re that way.
Astrology is saying what makes you tick is because magically the month you were born formed you fully as a human being OMG SO DIFFERENT than a person born a few days before you under a different sign, but exactly like everyone else born when you were born. That’s why it’s stupid and that’s why people think less of you when they hear you trot out this nonsense.
Idea
Also… science here but Myers-Briggs trains their interpreters – and people can read about it – so that standards are set. It’s not science-as-fact but it’s closer than how Chinese astrology is different from Indian astrology which is different from Arab Muslim astrology which is different from Susan Miller and different from Native American. Astrology is definitely not science, it is fun and ok but if you bring it into a conversation I am totally judging you.
Anon
+1
pugsnbourbon
I view astrology and Myers-Briggs as basically the same – usually-harmless nonsense. If you get something out of it, great, you do you. I personally think it’s silly but I’m not going to yuck your yum. It becomes a problem when (as you noted Vicky) when people use it to excuse bad behavior, and I see that more often with Myers-Briggs.
Is it Friday yet?
I think it serves sort of the same purpose as religion – trying to make sense of the random chaos of the universe. Everything is going wrong because Mercury is in retrograde, guys! And it’s probably kind of fun?
Anonymous
+1 I’m in my 20’s and myself and my friends (all of whom are highly educated professionals) will read and talk about it, but it’s not a ‘stake your life on it’ thing or even a beliefs system. It’s comforting in a way to feel known and understood, to feel that there is some guidance in the midst of the chaos, whether it be about yourself or about your relationships with others.
Vicky Austin
@ Anon at 11:44 who replied to me above, this. And this is exactly what people use Myers-Briggs for: feeling known and understood, guidance about yourself and relationships with others, knowing that “you’re not crazy, just different from your mom/coworkers/etc.”
anon
Yes. With unprovable, unconventional “weird” beliefs like astrology, I believe it is more helpful and compassionate to ask: “what need is this fulfilling for this person? Is it more likely that they are a complete moron, easily fooled and with no critical thinking skills, or that this person is indulging in a little irrationality/faith because it fulfills a need– subconsciously or otherwise?” To feel known, understood, to make sense, to gain a sense of control or predictability? Maybe to indulge playfulness or imagination when we over analyze everything else? Simply to relax? To me astrology is like reality TV– you know it’s not real but it’s still amusing, and you have to suspend disbelief to be amused.
Nope
Hi, I’m a millennial woman. Don’t paint us with a broad strokes. Something like astrology is not taking over an entire generation. I pinky swear.
Anon
Also, to remind the room, millennials are (approximately) ages 25 through 37 right now (birth years 1982 through 1994). So if you’re talking early 20s, you’re talking GenZ.
Anon
I’m a 20-something and my friends joke about daily/weekly horoscopes the way people would gossip about reality TV. I don’t think anyone takes horoscopes seriously. I do think that astrological signs are interesting though and at least align with relationships and personalities in my life. My sister and I are several years apart, but our birthdays are five days apart. We are different astrological signs and the different traits assigned to our respective signs describe the differences between us to a T. I also think that comparability with signs is interesting. The differences between traits for particular astrological signs explain issues with my past relationships very well even when there were very different issues at play (loyalty, disinterest, competitiveness). I’m not sure if I believe that the season of your birth informs your personality, but I do appreciate exploring my relationships through the lens of particular traits. It’s the same appeal of a meyers-briggs test, except perhaps a bit less cerebral.
Belle Boyd
I’ll read my horoscope for a good laugh because it is basically a load of hooey, but if that thing says to buy a lottery ticket, I’m blowing $2 on the Powerball. You just never know….
Veronica Mars
Is this the troll again? I recently saw that an old makeup youtuber that I liked who went by coffeepls (now Jo Gleeson) came back from a 4 year hiatus and said she was doing astrology. Her reasoning was that there is more to the study than just “zodiac memes” on instagram and there’s a big history behind it. And that the community is awesome. It was an interesting perspective. To each their own.
Anon
Why would this question be from a tr0ll? I swear, some of you people need to get out more.
Anon
When I was applying to my current position as an in-house counsel for a non-profit, my supervisors (also attorneys) made clear that I’d be seated in a cubicle, but they were aware this was not ideal for an attorney and were considering solutions to this. At the time, I figured an open office would be a good way for me to meet colleagues and the job was otherwise a great fit. After a few months, the newness has worn of, and I miss having an office. I miss having a break from being around others throughout the whole day and also am finding it challenging speaking to people about their legal matters at my cubicle. Their matters aren’t necessarily confidential, but it feels unprofessional discussing specifics in earshot of others. Do you think I should ask about the previously mentioned office fix? Or does it sounds too petty for senior management to be bothered with? I’ll add that the organization seems to have space/resources for this and isn’t your typical single floor of 4-5 offices, but much larger with senior leadership and the other attorney (more senior to me) having their own offices.
TIA
Anonymous
Yes I would definitely ask! Just say you’re following up on what you were told in the interview since they told you they’d be looking into options.
Idea
Definitely mention it, for a lot of reasons, mostly to make sure they haven’t forgotten about it!
anon
When I was first in-house at an organization that sometimes served children, I got an office with a door really soon after I started having phone calls advising on new laws affecting child abuse prevention/reporting measures.
No one wants to hear about child abuse, even if it’s just about taking additional steps to prevent child abuse.
Anon
Yes! I would definitely ask and continue to follow up until you are shut down.
London Lawyer
I may be a bit late in the post, but worth a try.
I’m a senior associate in a (reasonable) Big Law firm. My boss and I need to talk about partnership promotion and he has said I need to think about whether I want it (he thinks I would get it).
For those who are lawyers or in a position with a similar promotion structure, what factors were relevant to you in decided whether you did/did not want to make partner, and if you did/didn’t do it (by choice or otherwise) how do you feel about it now? If you became a partner, what were the things you wish you had known before you did it (good or bad) and is it as you imagined?
I already have a list of pros and cons, and a friend who made partner recently and left after a year to go in house because it wasn’t right for her, but the more views I can get on this the better. Of course it varies by firm/team/practice area, but for context I’m in a niche transactional practice, and the role would be more one of a service partner than a big rainmaker (probably I will never bother trying to make equity).
cbackson
My first major question would be what the path is if you choose not to pursue it. At my firm, you can elect not to pursue partnership, but you have to shift into an alternative career track (counsel) which isn’t nearly as well-defined in terms of how comp works, what your role in the firm is, etc. You can’t elect just to stay a senior associate forever. I don’t actually know anyone who’s electively gone counsel – it only happens if partnership isn’t an option (or if you lateraled in at a very senior level, but that’s a different story entirely), and so I suspect choosing to go that route would be viewed as reflecting a lack of ambition (which tends to hurt you in the long run in terms of opportunities within the firm). So I would really encourage you to make sure you understand what the path would look like if you decide not to go after it.
As for me: there was never a decision; I knew I wanted it from the time I lateraled to my current firm. I’m very, very happy as a partner. I like the flexibility that comes with it and I REALLY value the opportunities I have to take an active role in mentorship and associate development within the firm, especially in terms of working on our efforts to support our diverse associates. I do wish I’d known that there can be a weird emotional let-down/sense of purposelessness in the first year after you make it. You’ve chased the goal, and gotten it, and then you have to figure out what’s next which can be hard.
Anon
Thank you- not the OP, but in a similar position with similar questions. This was very helpful.
Anonymous
Making partner is a pie eating contest where the prize is more pie. If you really really love pie then it can be great. If you’re ‘meh’, it’s probably not going to be right for you in the long term. Can be region/market specific as to whether or not you have more opportunities to move inhouse before or after making partner.
The original Scarlett
My view is for non-equity partner, it’s basically a title change and you may as well go for that regardless of whether you end up doing something else. For equity partner, you really need to understand the economics of your firm – get intel on everything from health of the firm and how profits are distributed, buy-ins, time to stay to recover that, ability to get bought out if you leave, etc. have another lawyer who specializes in the area review partner agreements.
Anon for this
Agree, I assume the first step is non-equity but those are important factors to consider for equity. I am in a similar position (although I have been vocal about wanting to be partner). I agree with cbackson above that if you say you don’t want partner you will likely be pushed out and you need to think of what you want to do now. I think some firms are becoming more open to counsel roles only for people they really value, but you have to be careful about how you ask about that. I think it’s better to say you want partner and then later if you decide to take another job, well, whatever, they can get mad I suppose but you cant point to a change in life circumstances or something that made you change your mind. Law firms don’t like ambivalence- you have to be ‘all in’.
Anonymous
In your position, I’d ask more questions in the firm about how your job will change as a partner and whether it’s feasible to be a longterm income partner. Different firms have different expectations. Some firms are cool with making people partner with the understanding that they’ll never go for equity partner. Some very much are not. And it can vary across practice groups, too. If you have unique skills that aren’t easily replaceable (say, you’re a patent attorney with a bunch of PhDs), then business development might not be important for you. If you’re a run of the mill general commercial litigator then you’re going to need to bring some dollars to the table.
Former partner
Not to be negative but being a service partner might be ok now but not later. That was very much my experience and why I left. Firm management changed with a different group essentially seizing control and everyone was expected to bring in business or else. I also did not love the politics of sharing billing credit and frequently found myself doing most of the work for no billing credit because certain partners simply never shared credit with anyone. Find out how this works and how the senior partners you work for share. (I am in house now and happier for what it is worth).
anonforthis
I was sort of in your shoes last year, except I was offered partnership and decided not to accept. That meant I had to leave the firm. My reasons for not wanting to be a partner at a relatively reasonable BigLaw firm were many. A big one was that it was getting harder and harder to bring in business, even for senior partners, with our firm’s billing rates and structure. If I stayed, I knew I would have to spend tons of time on business development, most of which would likely be fruitless, as well as bill lots of hours – and I already was struggling to meet my hours requirement due to there not being enough work. This seemed like a frustrating position to be in, and was also going to require more time that I wanted to put in – I have a lot of interests outside of work. I also didn’t agree with the direction the firm and my group in particular was being taken, and I felt like our previously good culture (no jerks) had eroded (plenty of jerks and back-stabbing). On firm direction, hours requirements were becoming more and the reasonableness was also eroding, and I was concerned about my health if I stayed for the long haul – I had an exhaustion related health scare due to extreme overwork. And since I wasn’t convinced I could/wanted to stay for the long haul, buying in just didn’t make sense on a personal finance level.
So how do I feel about my choice now? EXCELLENT. Being at this crossroads forced me to explore other options. I found a small firm with a focus on my practice area that is an excellent cultural fit. I took a pay cut (~25% of the most senior associate salary) to take a counsel-like position, but I also only “bill” about 125-150 hours a month and rarely travel for work. I feel like I am paying to have more time and I am fine with that. The structure is a lot more flat and collaborative on projects, and we don’t bill by the hour, so all of the billing/business development concerns I had are non-issues. Some of the attorneys at my former firm at angry I left, but I have gotten referrals from some more reasonably-minded people for clients who want more of what my firm offers rather than BigLaw. It is a win-win-win-win….
A.
It feels late to be posting this but I’ll give it a shot. I’m looking for a dupe of a pair of Target pants that I’m OBSESSED with, but that run big. Unfortunately, my beloved Tar-jay is now sold out of my size. They’re the Prologue Women’s Straight Leg Cuffed Lounge Pants, and the poly-blend fabric makes them appropriate for my casual office. I’ll post a link in a follow-up comment, but don’t want to go to mod. I’m on the hunt for a similar poly-blend jogger. Any leads for me?
A.
https://www.target.com/p/women-s-straight-leg-cuffed-lounge-pants-prologue-153-black/-/A-53882259?preselect=53815514#lnk=sametab
Anon
They’re sweat pants. You’re wearing sweat pants to work?
Anon
Yeah, this is something else. I have a very casual office too (in jeans and a t-shirt today) but these are straight up sweatpants and not especially cute ones at that. I would never wear them to work.
pugsnbourbon
I mean if I could, I would. I’m wearing pants with a partially-elastic waistband today.
A, there are a bunch of similar joggers at Athleta (but for Athleta prices). The Gap also has something called “versatile joggers” that look intriguing.
A.
Yep! Not every day, when I can, I’m going for it. They’re definitely athleisure, but I they’re also not, like, your typical Hanes sweatpants :)
@pugsnbourbon — thank you!
Anon
I guess I’m not seeing any real difference between these and the Hanes sweatpants.
Anon
I agree. If you can wear Hanes sweatpants to work, go for it. But I don’t think these are cuter or more appropriate.
Worry about yourself
Oof, you’re not kidding, they have a drawstring and everything! But OP knows her workplace better than we do, and while this board is primarily aimed at high-achieving women – lawyers, accountants, corporate executives, etc. – in fields that demand corporate attire, not all of us here are actually in those jobs. Yet, anyway. They might not be what I’d choose to wear to work, but I’m willing to give OP the benefit of the doubt here.
Anon
A lot of blue collar jobs actually require you to wear a uniform or have a stricter dress code. I’m in tech and the receptionists generally dress a lot nicer than the engineers. I’d also add that I wouldn’t leave my house in these, not even to run to the grocery store. My workplace is super casual and I wear sneakers, jeans, flip-flops and have even been known to wear shorts in the summer, but I wouldn’t wear sweatpants. To me, they’re for the gym or your own house, and that’s it.
Annonnnn
I have no suggestions, but I am jealous AF that you can wear those to work!
anonymous
I could probably get away with wearing those at my workplace. Maybe on a Friday. I think I may have seen similar styles at Old Navy.
Flats Only
These from Uniqlo.
https://www.uniqlo.com/us/en/women-ultra-stretch-active-ankle-length-pants-413835.html?dwvar_413835_color=COL03&cgid=women-activewear#start=21&cgid=women-activewear
The original Scarlett
I see people in pants like this all the time in SF. It tends to just look casual & nice. I’ve found similar at Uniglo – that’s my go-to for casual pants.
editrix
American Giant joggers are slightly more polished IMO (but I wouldn’t wear them to work). They also have pants, which I haven’t tried.
https://www.american-giant.com/the-jogger-pant/W1-11A-24-SBL-S.html