Coffee Break: 75mm Pointy Toe Pump

80 Comments

1. Love those pumps but still on a shopping restriction. Also didn’t know Rockport made pumps! Could this be a possible replacement for Cole Haan Air.
   T/J–Any hotel recommendations for an extended weekend trip to Kansas City this month? Trying to stay in/near country club plaza since I hear that’s a good location. I am looking at the Raphael Hotel and Hotel Sorella so far.

2. I want to spend my next birthday in a new-to-me city with a few friends. I’ve always wanted to go to Mexico City and Montreal. I know I’ll eventually go to both no matter what, but in terms of affordability, things to do, and ease of getting around, which would be better for a long weekend with friends?

   1. When is your birthday? That will impact my answer re: Montreal :)

      1. Mid-July!

         1. Then my answer is Montreal :)

   2. Montreal.

   3. I can’t give you a comparative answer because I’ve never been to Mexico City but summers in Montreal are AMAZING. Also, if you’re into music, jazz fest is at the beginning of July usually and Osheaga is at the end of July (if you have some flexibility on dates).

      Even if you just go in the middle of the month, there is so much to do and its a gorgeous city. July is usually pretty hot (and occasionally humid) but I don’t find it unbearable.

   4. I’ve been to both. I loved Mexico City, but it’s not an easy to get around or “relaxing” place to go (at least not compared to Montreal). It’s also going to be pretty brutally hot, which might be fine with you if you like hot weather. If you exclude airfare though, it’s cheaper than Montreal.

      1. Mexico City sits on a plateau and has pleasant-ish temps 50 – 75F all year round. There are great neighbourhoods for hanging out (Condesa, San Angel), or if you’re up for them, some terrific cultural sights (the Anthropological museum, the pyramids just outside town).

         I am bemused by the comments that it is considered too dangerous to visit. We used the subway and taxis without feeling particularly stressed in any way.

      2. Mexico City is never “brutally hot.”

   5. Montreal. Unless you know your friends well and know they’d be up for it, I’d assume quite a few might not want to go to Mexico City. I consider myself a pretty adventurous traveler and regularly travel in the developing world (and I don’t mean just at fancy resorts) and I would not go there.

      1. Ditto.

         1. I knew there were bad areas, but I didn’t realize it was so dangerous that someone who travels regularly would refuse to go. I always thought if I did enough research and stayed in certain parts, I’d be fine. This makes me reconsider…

            1. I went in 2011, so YMMV (although I think it got more dangerous, but then has improved again). I did not find it particularly dangerous if you are used to developing world travel. Things like don’t get into unlicensed taxis not at taxi stands, try not to go to ATMs in areas with few people etc. I also never took the subway because I didn’t want to get groped/pick pocketed, and I was with my husband. The tourist areas around the Zocolo are fine. I did get incredibly bad food poisoning, but really, that was my fault. I was fine eating at taco stalls, so I got too ambitious/dumb and chose to eat lukewarm grilled chicken one night…not a good idea :) But like I said, not a place to go if you don’t want to be on your guard.

            2. It isn’t. I was there last year and its fine. I mean there are CERTAINLY areas that you wouldn’t want to go.

   6. My vote is for Montreal! I’ve only ever gone there for work on very short trips (like 24 hours), but it looks like such a cool city. It almost strikes me as a mini-Paris in a way – it has a very European feel.

   7. Never been to Mexico City but loved Montreal. We took a side trip to Lake Champlain and Burlington VT, but you probably won’t have time. I still want to visit Quebec City.

      1. LOVE Quebec City. I spent two weeks there last December and I’d pick it over Montreal any day, but I’m sure some wouldn’t find it exciting enough.

   8. I’m celebrating my birthday this year in July at the Just for Laughs festival. Can’t wait!

   9. I’ve been and loved both. Mexico is way more affordable, Montreal is way easier to get around. Mexico City has a very mild climate year round.

   10. Another vote for Montreal. I use to live there and now I really miss having a drink outside during the warm summer (not much of that in SF). It’s easy to get around with the subway. As far as affordability, sales tax are high but the USD has been very strong these days at 1 USD = 1.26 CAD making everything more affordable.

3. I just realized that I did not purchase any clothing in January.

   I think this is probably the first time I’ve ever gone an entire month without purchasing something new.

   Wow. Food for thought.

   1. I don’t think that’s embarrassing. I’m hoping to be able to say the same for February and March!

   2. That isn’t embarrassing! I generally only buy clothes a couple months in a year – I do shopping trips to fun cities to make shopping that much more fun!

   3. To clarify – my embarrassment stems from the realization that I don’t think I’ve ever gone 4 weeks without making a purchase before. In other words, for someone who doesn’t even own that many articles of clothing, I’ve been shopping waaaaaaaay too much and spending unnecessary cash. It’s just enlightening.

   4. I nearly managed that, and caved and bought a top in H&M on the 31st. (Assuming replacing trainers where the soles had fallen off doesn’t count as shopping, because I did that too, but got a fantastic deal of a 120 EUR pair of Nikes for 40)

   5. Same here. I realized nothing horrible happened when I didn’t buy anything new so I am now reading about minimalism and planning my next purchases. I will be buying high quality investment pieces and wear them often.

4. I have a unique situation I’d like some advice on. It’s related to children, so anyone with sensitivity towards that topic might want to skip.

   I don’t actually LIKE kids that much – I find the idea of pregnancy terrifying, babies pretty gross, and noisy children in restaurants infuriating. My friends are starting to have kids, and while I’m very happy for them, every step of their journey makes me think, “Nope. Not yet. Definitely not yet.”

   I like my current life with my boyfriend filled with nice restaurants, lots of LGPs, spontaneous vacations, late nights, and serious career dedication. I’m really happy with my routine and my relationship right now, particularly after the last relationship was so hard, and this one is so easy, and feels so good, and so right. Our immediate goals and futures are compatible, but eventually I do want kids, and he’s not sure, leaning towards probably not.

   I’m not going to end the relationship yet, because after so much struggle and discontent and feeling undesired and taken advantage of, I deserve to feel as good as this boyfriend makes me feel, but at some point he needs to have changed his mind, or I need to walk. I know some people will disagree with the decision to wait, but I know myself, and I know this is the right decision for me right now. We’re both 30, and he feels the same way about babies being gross as I do, but I know it’ll be different when they’re my own, while he’s not convinced. While I’m not holding my breath waiting for him to change his mind, he’s very nurturing, and is great with his nieces and nephews, and I know a lot of men do change their minds when they find someone they really love and hit a certain age. If that didn’t happen, I would be ok with having a kid by myself, or waiting, and adopting. What I’d like input on is this: when is the right time? I’m a big planner, so even if it the situation isn’t bothering me, I like to have a plan in place. Right now, I’m happy, but I’m wondering where, from 6 months to 2 years, is reasonable, or should I just wait until I stop being happy with the current situation?

   1. I’m afraid I don’t have advice for your specific situation, but I personally found this Dear Sugar column on the decision to have children incredibly insightful and comforting. May be worth a read and worth sharing with your boyfriend, too.

      http://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

      1. Thanks for posting this.

      2. That is an excellent article.

      3. I love this article, thank you

   2. I can’t help you on the relationship front, but I will say that your instincts may be right regarding your feelings about your own children v. other people’s children. I always assumed I wanted children without ever really considering not having them, though I am not a “kid person” at all.

      I do not like other people’s kids (or pets for that matter). I do not want to hold other people’s babies, and I feel really impatient (internally – I’m nice to them) with other people’s kids’ bad behavior. I can deal with my own nieces and nephews a bit better, though I still don’t really want to hold the babies. My own, on the other hand, are a whole different story. I think they’re beautiful and amazing, and not gross at all, and love them so much I want to eat them up. I’m not really a touchy-feely, effusive person at all, except with my own kids. I want to snuggle them and tell them all day long how great they are.

      1. Me too!

      2. Me too (though I don’t have kids yet). I’m totally grossed out by babies and annoyed by noisy children in restaurants, but 100% sure that I want my own kid(s) some day. My friends think it’s insane that I’ve never held a baby and probably never will until I hold my own, but my mom was the exact same way and I think I turned out ok :)

         1. It’s difficult for my mom to understand, because she loves babies, loved being pregnant, loved breastfeeding and raising me, and coos over babies, whereas I just… don’t. Children start being interesting to me once they can talk in full sentences.

      3. This is me too. I am not a kid person. At all. But mine are magic, of course. Also, fwiw, my husband is always reminding me of how I used to tell him I would never have kids or, at most, would adopt. We were married for about 4 years before I fully changed my mind (although I think if pressed, I would have admitted that I expected to change my mind on this at some point).

   3. Have more conversations with BF before you make a decision about the relationship. There’s a difference between having conversations about your long-term life goals vs. having conversations about how you as a team can (or can’t) meet those long-term goals. It sounds like you’ve had the former but not [much of?] the latter. Maybe now is the right time to have those talks, maybe it’s not, but don’t emotionally check out of the relationship without giving the guy a chance to say, “Yes I want a future with you and if that means children then I want them too” (or the reverse).

      1. I agree with this p’oster. You are not quite my age, yet, but in a few year’s when your biological clock is ticking and your dad is bothering you b/c your younger sister has already had 3 babie’s, you will feel different, like I do. B/c I want a guy who will impregnate me quickly, I would NOT waste any time with a guy who does NOT want babie’s, or think’s the thing’s your b/f think’s about kid’s. No, you must find a guy soon who you KNOW will be compatibel and also willing to work hard enough for both of you in the real world as you bring up the kid’s while he work’s.

         This is not easy, as most guy’s just want sex, but not parenthood. So do NOT get smoked over by guy’s that tell you what you want to hear now, but then only use you for sex like I did with my Alan. He was ill suited to be a dad, tho he did tell me the thing’s that made me want to open up to him sexueally, especialy b/c my dad kept pusheing him on to me and almost requireing me to do things for him I realy was NOT comfortabel doeing sexueally just b/c dad says that is what keep’s a man around (at least that is what mom suposedly did to keep dad from straying).

         But even if I was gorgeus, like Rosa, I fear that any man would start doeing more then lookeing at other women. Right now, Ed is in the penalty box for letting another woman (of questionable pedigree) do thing’s to his winkie (but NOT procreateive sex he say’s). That is so gross, the thought of MY husband giving his winkie over to some woman in a strip club in exchange for MONEY! DOUBEL FOOEY ON THAT!

         So enjoy the next coupel of year’s but be prepared to find and mate with a guy by the time your 35, or your egg’s will go stale, and you will have bigger probelem’s. I am very worried about mine and am considering IN-VITRO fertilization or a surogate, b/c there realy are no decent guy’s out there for me who respect me for my MIND. All want sex, but NOT to have to MARRY me. If I want just sex, why would I be lookeing at all of these jerk’s? It is frustrating. TRIPEL FOOEY!

   4. This is something you need to put lots of thought into before you go much farther with your boyfriend (before marriage) and have some serious conversations with him to find out how staunch he is about the no kids policy. My husband and I both agreed before we got married that we didn’t want kids. 10 years later I’m 40 and have changed my mind and decided life is awfully empty and pointless without kids. DH is adamant that he doesn’t want kids. I love him and it is really too late for me to start over but it is tearing me up inside that I’ll never have kids. But I certainly can’t blame him because I changed my mind. If you know you will want kids, you should not get too involved with someone who doesn’t – hoping that he will change his mind. It will end in heartache.

      1. He’s not adamant, just “probably not,” and he only reasons he admits to are that they’re kinda gross and annoying (which I feel right now) and that he doesn’t want to give up our carefree life (which I don’t want to right now, either). Which is where my dilemma stems from. The last couple of dates I went on before we started dating were with “Yes, definitely kids” men, and their eagerness to settle down and have babies turned me off. I’m just not in the life stage where I want to start thinking about that yet. If it wasn’t for my general awareness of declining fertility, I wouldn’t give this a second thought.

         1. Your last comment makes me feel like this is an issue with you as well. As in, you wouldn’t worry about this either if it were not for declining fertility. If you became exclusive about a month ago then I’d say just take this slow, get to know each other and enjoy each other’s company. If this starts to progress toward marriage, then these are things you need to talk about. Be honest with each other and with yourself. And keep in mind even then, there are no guarantees, your life circumstances may change and you may find that having kids is not something you want (and vice versa). Definitely don’t rush it. Being a parent is an important life milestone but I have also learned from friends who are parents that it’s also important to be with someone who shares the same life values and is supportive. Sometimes people focus on “hitting” the milestone and sadly end up with someone who isn’t a good match in other ways.

      2. I’m so sorry to hear that you feel this way. Can I ask what made you change your mind and why you feel like life is pointless without kids now, but you didn’t before?

         1. It wasn’t a sudden decision or anything specific, but just gradually over the last five years I’ve started to wonder whether this is really all there is to life…making money and collecting stuff. It doesn’t help that DH works all the time. 14 hour days. Weekends. And I hardly ever see him. I work a lot too, but not as much and I’ve started feeling increasingly lonely over the years.

      3. To Sheepie, my heart goes out to you. But I’m not sure that I agree with you when you say
         “It is really too late for me to start over”. Granted I am younger than you so maybe some might say there is some naivete. But if having kids in your life is really that important to you, start taking steps to move in that direction. Maybe you can’t have biological kids but would adoption be an option, fostering? Or even being that aunt in the lives of your family or friends’ kids’. Regret is a an unpleasant emotion but just think if you are unhappy about this now, continuing to do nothing means that in future you will be “X” years older and still feeling the same way.

         1. Thanks for your kind words. However, I love my husband dearly and can’t imagine life without him. Emotionally it really is too late for me to start over after a decade of marriage. I am an aunt and very close to my sister’s kids, but I’ve always been someone who was never super fond of children so it was certainly unexpected for me to start thinking I wanted some of my own.

   5. I was in a similar situation (but was considerably younger so decisions about kids weren’t something that I’d absolutely have to deal with in a few years). I thought a lot about why I would want kids, and after a great deal of thought, it turns out that I didn’t think I wanted kids at all. As time has passed, I’ve become more and more opposed to having kids. I think a part of me assumed I’d want kids because that’s just “normal” and what people do. A part of me still does, but such a small part that doesn’t impact my decision.

      Is it possible that you may end up not really wanting kids or not having a strong desire for them? I’d give that a lot of thought as well as talking to your boyfriend about it before you break things off with him.

5. Deleted because I posted in the wrong spot!

6. I think this is really individual. Most people I know did not even start having kids until in their 30s, and a few were not in relationships until then as well. I’m 33, and like you, I love my life and would not want to add a little energy and financial drain and germ factory to it. I’ve never wanted kids and my husband feels the same.

   So on the one hand you have time and you are right, you deserve to be loved and happy. On the other hand, do you really want to wait until the relationship hits rock bottom and your resentment is out of control to end it? Will you actually ever feel that way?

   Sometimes people change their minds about kids, but don’t hold your breath. Much more often they do not and you end up deluding yourself for years.

   If you know you want kids, what is the point of your current relationship? Being happy? You would/could also be happy with someone who also wants kids. But you can’t find that person until you end this relationship.

   I don’t think you can put an arbitrary time limit on it. “I’ll be in this relationship for 6 more months then break up. Honey, your time is running out.” Fast forward to August 2: “time to break up!”

   What does that get you? 6 months of happiness with a feeling of impending doom? Meh.

   On the other hand, how important are kids to you? You sound pretty indifferent, are you sure you are really going to want that?

   1. I was pretty much going to say the same thing as Hmmm.

      I did not start having kids until my mid-30s, even though I have been with my husband since I was 25. We had a great life and I was worried I would miss it.

      Only you can decide if you want kids or not.

      However, if you are convinced you want them, then I don’t see how staying in this relationship will work. You will feel a sense of “impending doom”, and also the desperation of trying to change another person’s mind about such a fundamental life choice. How is that happiness?

      I wish you all the best. It was a hard choice for me too, but my H and I were on the fence together, which helped.

      1. I’ve always just assumed I would have kids – it seemed inevitable. But now that I’m trying to picture actually going through it all, it seems like someone else’s life. Bottles? Diapers? Soccer lessons? Paying for college AGAIN? That seems impossible. I’m pretty crazy in love with my boyfriend, and if I had to choose a life with him without kids, or without him with kids, I’d have a really hard time choosing.

         Regarding the impending doom, I felt like it would be foolish to be in a relationship without knowing where it was going before I started dating him. But there are no guarantees in a relationship. Maybe we break up in two months because he falls in love with someone else. Maybe I get offered my dream job in Russia and the long distance breaks us up. I know he isn’t sure about kids because of an unplanned, unexpected conversation we had, but if that conversation hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have any idea, because “Kids” isn’t a topic I talk about a lot. Right now, I honestly don’t think any one else could make me happier, and weirdly, I don’t feel the impending doom. I have, in previous relationships, but in this one, I just feel like I’ll tackle that when I have to. I’m just trying to figure out when that “have to” moment is going to be.

         1. It’s good that you are thinking about these issues, and it sounds like you should consider talking to your bf about them in a more deliberate way. For what you’ve said so far, though, I’m not sure what the benefit of figuring out a “have to” moment is. It doesn’t sound like you’re entirely sure you would leave your bf to have kids if that’s what it came down to, and so what purpose would establishing an arbitrary cutoff date now serve? You could say that your “have to” moment is 3 years, but your experiences in those 3 years may moot such a moment, perhaps because in the meantime (1) you discover that you actually don’t want to have kids, (2) the two of you decide together that you will have kids, (3) something else intervened and you are no longer in this relationship, or a number of other reasons.

         2. I was in this situation and felt similarly to you. I somehow knew that with my own kids it would be different, even though I’m not necessarily a person who loves all kids. Also, as I fall in love with someone, I start to envision him as a dad and us together as parents. I can’t help it.

            I had to end a relationship because he told me he absolutely did not want them and if I knew I wanted them, even a little, I should be out there looking for someone else who did. It was really hard and sad, and I still miss him. But if I had stayed with him, I’m pretty sure I would have started to resent him. There was no good outcome.

            Anyway, it sounds like you’re doing the right thing by asking yourself a lot of questions. The next step is to talk to him more about it. You have more at stake than he does when it comes to waiting, unfair as it is. It can’t hurt to bring it up and see how he responds. He may surprise you. Or maybe your own reaction will surprise you. But you won’t know until you ask. Good luck.

         3. I think you are going to go through these thoughts regardless of where you end up. I have 2 kids and I am still terrified of the idea of paying for extracurriculars, let alone college.

            I married my DH with the full expectation that we were NOT going to have kids. He didn’t want them. He’d been married previously, and they didn’t have kids. I thought, growing up, all my life, that they would just be a natural part of my adult life. But when I met him, he totally changed my idea about what a happy adult life was, and I committed to him in marriage without the prospect of children at all. We knew that my sister, and his brother, would probably one day have kids, so we could be the cool aunt & uncle to those kids. One day, he changed his mind and said that he wanted more.

            I expect that there are a lot of other moms here who can attest to this feeling too: sometimes you wonder if you should just not have had kids. Sometimes you don’t like them at all. Sometimes you miss your previous life. Sometimes you want it back. Sometimes you just wish you didn’t have kids. But there are the overwhelming majority of moments that those feelings are nowhere to be found.

7. I never thought I’d be one of those women who wait around for her BF to propose. But here I am. I’m in my 30s and I want to get married and have children. I had a LOT of talks with BF about timelines early in the relationship. I told him by the one-year mark, I wanted to start planning a (low-budget!) wedding. I set the all the right expectations.

   And then I followed through on them. We had lots of check ins throughout the relationship and things seemed to be on track. I told him I see moving in together as indicating an imminent proposal. He said he understood. We moved in together. But nothing.

   We passed our year mark. Nothing. I asked him how he would feel if I proposed. He was very against it. I told him I’m disappointed. He said he’s not there yet. I asked for a timeline; he said, uncertainly, maybe summer. He doesn’t understand what the rush is. “We’re happy… I mean… you ARE happy, right?” he says. I say yes. He’s a procrastinator by nature, and figures eventually we’ll get around to it. It’s not like it changes anything, right?

   I don’t know what to say when he asks why I feel this urgency. I AM happy with him. But I want to be married to him. I want to have children with him (in a few years). I want to be secure in the knowledge that this man wants to commit to me forever, because I know how seriously he takes those vows. And, I hate to even think it, but I don’t want to waste my time if he can’t make that commitment to me. If it won’t be him, I want to start grieving the loss of him. And then I want to move on and find someone who does want a life with me. I’ve had so much hurt and disappointment, I want to know that all that’s behind me, that this is the one for me. But right now I just feel stuck. Waiting.

   1. His behavior is very telling, and you’re right to question it. To me, you already have your answer, and I think you know it deep down. He’s not giving you what you need, and it’s making you unhappy.

      1. Agreed, unfortunately. There’s some roadblock for him and he’s not being open with you about what that is. Instead he’s deflecting by asking you the “are you happy” question, implying that that should be your only concern when of course life is more complicated than that. This isn’t to say he’ll never get to the point of wanting to commit through marriage, but the lines of communication between you two aren’t open at the moment and that’s a problem.

   2. Why did you lie to him and tell him you’re happy? You pretty clearly aren’t. Tell him that, and why. It’s not exactly a secret that many women in their 30s are worried about running out of time to have kids. It’s fine if he’s not ready but you don’t need to pretend like you aren’t upset when you are.

      Full disclosure: I was in your position 6 months ago. And then one day he dumped me summarily. And it sucked so much more than I ever imagined it could, but I still want marriage and kids. And in the end he didn’t really.

   3. Woah. Pump the breaks.

      You cannot rush this or him. He’s obviously NOT ready. You can try to schedule this all you want, but good lord – he’s not there yet. Do you really want to enter into a marriage with him feeling forced/coerced/guilted in to because you “set expectations” upfront??

      1. This.

      2. This. I feel pressured just reading your post.

   4. You should have a conversation about this. He is not giving what you want, and even though you are living together, you aren’t happy. If marriage is a priority for you but not for him this will be a long drawn out push and pull. So have that conversation.

   5. Do you mean that you wanted him to propose one year into your relationship? Because I’m a get married and have babies type and that seems like, whoa, slow down! Obviously it’s not an unreasonable time if you’re both on the same page, but it could be a timing thing, not a feelings thing. I simply could not get comfortable enough to marry someone one year into the relationship. Get all excited about the thought of marrying a great SO, sure, but pulling the trigger is another thing. It’s not just a bunch of boxes you can check. For me, you need to have lots of shared experiences, mundane, exciting, whatever. So I get postponing if that’s the hang up. But only you two can figure out what the hang up is.

      1. Getting engaged after a year or less is pretty common in my friend group (all college-educated, most with advanced degrees), especially as we get into our 30s. It seems to be the older you are, the less you date before the engagement. The college sweethearts mostly dated for 5+ years before engagement, the graduate school sweethearts dated for 2-3 years, and the people just meeting people now are getting engaged before the 1 year mark. It does sound like she’s putting pressure on him, but I don’t think getting engaged after 1 year is that crazy.

         1. I don’t think it is an age thing, I think it is a personality thing. I have been in very long relationships before, and I am in my late 30s and college educated, and wanting to get engaged after a year would be an absolute run-for-the-hills dealbreaker for me. I think they need to sit down together and figure out how they both see the situation, but there is zero chance I would marry someone who told me he thought 12 months was an appropriate engagement timeline. It just doesn’t fit with how I see the world or get to know other people.

   6. Agree with many of the sentiments above. You are not happy with him because you aren’t getting what you want. But maybe you need to reconsider what you really want and whether you are being realistic. One year is not a long time to date without a proposal. And do you really want him to propose to you because you keep asking him to? I know it’s a stock response around here but I think you could really benefit from just a few sessions with a therapist to separate out your own issues re relationship anxiety from the issues specific to this particular relationship (if any). And I agree with Anon2 – I know a lot of guys who are married to women after being pressured to propose. The results are not pretty.

      1. + 1

   7. I was ready for my now-fiance to propose about 6-9 months before he actually did, and those 6-9 months were pretty rough for me – no sugarcoating it. We’d been together about 2.5 years at that point, we lived together for nearly a year, and it was honestly like one morning I woke up and I was READY to get married – like, yesterday. While he was clear about wanting to marry me at some point in the near future, he just wasn’t as ready as I was, which I took personally. Also, feeling like I was totally out of control when it came to something I really wanted (marriage) was REALLY hard for me.

      Honestly, after some tearful and unproductive arguments and lots of obsessive thinking about when/if he would ever propose, I went to therapy. My therapist helped me look at our relationship and his behavior in a more rational light and allowed me to see that he really did care about me and want to commit to me – he just didn’t want to be pressured into marriage and wanted to move at his own pace, which just happened to be a little slower than mine. We also talked about what I do if he never proposed (which didn’t seem likely, but discussing possible “solutions” out loud with an objective third party helped me feel more in control of the situation). I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he proposed 6-8 weeks after I started therapy (he was very supportive of it and told me after we were engaged that he noticed a marked positive change in my attitude/behavior once I started going).

      That being said – a year is really not that long! Give the guy at least another 6-9 months to warm up to the idea of marriage, and in the meantime, vent to your girlfriends, read the “pre-engaged” essays on A Practical Wedding, take up a few hobbies, and even try therapy. Also, maybe spend some time figuring out why it’s so important that you get engaged right this very minute. For example, therapy helped me realize that I subconsciously saw engagement/marriage as a way to protect myself from ever being alone or from anything bad ever happening to me, which is completely irrational (yay for being a child of divorce!). Once I got over that belief, marriage seemed a lot less urgent – and made me refocus on the real reasons why I wanted to get engaged (ie – because I love my person and believe he’d be a great partner).

8. Before we got married, my husband did not want to have kids, though I did. I wanted him more than the idea of kids, and we got married. A few years in, he decided he wanted to have kids and he wanted to stay home with them. I’m not saying that this will happen to you – just my personal experience. It does sound like to me is that you care more about having children than being with him. Your focus on babies being “gross” sounds like a deflection. Time to have a long conversation with your partner.

   1. I should probably have said before – we dated casually, while seeing other people, for six months, and only became exclusive about a month ago.

      1. Whoa! That is…a completely different situation than I envisioned. Honestly, from your later posts, I don’t think you have a problem here. You are in a brand new relationship. He doesn’t sound like he’s all that opposed to kids. You don’t need a set timeline other than wroth any new relationship.

         Do I like this person? Check.
         Can I deal with his annoying habits?
         Do I see a future with this person?

         You’re not even to step 2 yet! Heck do you even know his annoying habits? (Trust me, after only a month exclusive, you don’t.)

         If you were a year or so in, thinking/talking about whether you wanted to get married/where you want to live/what will happen when your parents are to old to care for themselves/how your’re life will be…that’s one thing. But you’re not there yet. Enjoy the ride and figure out if this guy is the one for you. The kids decision/discussion should be a part of that, but only a part.

         1. It’s a bit different because we’ve known each other since college. (I tried to avoid posting about that because I’m now outed to anyone who knows me and reads this.) I think being friends for so long has pushed the seriousness into warp speed, which is part of why I already know stuff about him like he is leaning towards not having kids. Knowing that about him, I tried to not get serious about him (thus dating other people for six months), but found myself falling hard, despite my best intentions. I am still discovering his annoying habits (is blowing your nose in the shower actually normal???).

            But I’m glad you’re still reading and commenting, despite the late hour – it’s good to have the reality check that despite feeling like I’ve been dating him forever, I went on a date with a different man December 23rd, and that was actually only 5 weeks ago.

            1. Zero relationship advice (except to say good luck!) but I totally blow my nose in the shower.

            2. To me knowing him since college is a plus since you are obviously good friends which I think is important in a relationship. That said, I think being in a relationship with someone is very different than being friends, the level of emotional intimacy is greater and right now you are still in the “honeymoon phase” IMO. Let the relationship mature. If you feel like things are moving too fast and you need to put on the brakes, do so. It’s a giddy feeling, enjoy it but also keep nurturing your friendships and other areas of your life.

            3. When you have children you will wish they blew their noses in the shower.

            4. It’s not late for me, California time so still at work.

               I think having the long friendship is good too, because you do have more of a baseline, but that could also make you rush a little. Be comfortable with your pace. (Totally normal to blow your nose in the shower, my husband does every morning. I do occasionally.)

               I do think at 30 it’s a conversation you need to be having (my brother dated a woman that for a number of reasons I was pretty sure without asking did not want kids, he does and referred to her as the future mother of his children. A YEAR in he finally had the conversation with her and they broke up. A wasted year? Maybe, maybe not. Time will tell. But he was deluding himself very specifically as to that aspect of their relationship.) But it isn’t necessarily a final deal killer a month in…unless it is. If he is sure he doesn’t want kids and you are sure you do, I don’t see the point of dating for a month or a week. But if he’s a maybe leaning towards no, and you’re a maybe leaning towards yes, I don’t know that it is a deal killer.

               All you both can do is be honest with each other.

            5. I blow my nose in the shower every morning. Try it. It’s freeing.

            6. No, blowing your nose in the shower is not normal, but people do it! I’m kidding, a little, but glad to know that I’m not the only one that thinks it is weird. I’ve been with my husband for almost 18 years (WHOA) and married for 8 of them. I still don’t think it is normal.

               Wildkitten is probably right – we’ll wish our kids did that in the shower!

9. This blue purse is really cute: http://www.thelimited.com/product/flap-front-satchel-bag/13719012630001.html

10. I own these pumps in a black leather and the wine patent color (it’s not purple, as Kat posted), and I adore them. They are the most comfortable pumps I have ever owned (and for my wide feet, more comfortable than the Cole Haan pumps everyone likes). These run large, so whereas I normally wear a 7W, I take these in a 6.5W.

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