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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
A black-and-white printed top is my go-to when my brain is just not in the mood for coming up with a creative outfit. Just add black pants and a white blazer and you’ve got instant chic.
This polka dot top from the Who What Wear line at Target has a great ruffled sleeve and would look equally at home in a business casual office or with shorts and sandals by the pool.
The top is $24.99 at Target and comes in women’s sizes XS–XXL and plus sizes 1X–4X. It also comes in a cream floral print.
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Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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Ses
Whoo, Friday! I have a furniture moving question and am hoping someone has done this and can advise.
I need to ship a wooden wardrobe from Colorado to Massachusetts. Is that just a regular moving company, or is there a way that might be more cost effective? Not at all time sensitive.
Katrinka
Have you looked into PODS? Might be cheaper than using actual movers, since you do the loading and unloading on each side yourself. Their smallest unit may be bigger than what you need but still cheaper than paying for an individual moving truck.
Ses
Ah, never used that but will check pricing.
Anon
You’ll need a moving company if you need someone to pack/pad and palletize it. If you can do that, then an LTL shipper will probably be cheaper.
Anon
My dad used to work in logistics (which was kinda fascinating) and LTL is “less than truckload”.
Ses
Huh. Thanks, that’s good context.
Anon
Oops, sorry… Yeah, LTL is for stuff bigger than what the normal residential FedEx person handles but not an entire shipping container.
Curious
I priced out LTL for moving my mom’s baby rocker from Illinois to Seattle and it was nearly $2K. So just know there may be some sticker shock. I did not look at UShip.
Anon
I’ve heard good things about uship from the Instagram designer house of hamburger.
Anonymous
We got someone off of U-Ship, where you post a job and trucks with space bid for the work. Our guy was great.
Anonymous
I used Uship to move some big pieces of furniture up and down the east coast and I was super happy with the experience!
The Fold Convert
I ordered a few dresses from The Fold to try based on comments here last week and wow! The quality really shows. For those wondering about sizing like I was, it definitely runs small. I’m a 0-2 in American stores like J.Crew and I got a US 4 UK 8 (5’10”, 122 pounds, 30D for reference). I am slightly pear shaped and do not think it would be pear friendly at all. I am keeping one dress for an upcoming event and I doubt it will be my last purchase there.
As an aside, does anyone know why their clothes smell so good? Is this an Abercrombie situation where they are dousing the store in cologne? And if so where do I get some? Even the packing tissue smelled delightful.
Anon
Totally jealous.
I am a solid pear and half a foot shorter than you and 20 years out of shape, so I think that this puts the nail in the coffin of my hopes for The Fold working out.
Anon
Can you order for your hip size and have it tailored for the top? it may be worth it for the right dress!
anon
Can you order for your hip size and have it tailored for the top? it may be worth it for the right dress!
Anon
Can you stop with vanity sizing comments? It’s frankly offensive.
anon
Why on earth would it be offensive? It’s well known that US companies inflate sizes. A 0 at J Crew is more like a 4. It matters to people who are a true size 0 that are sized out of nearly all clothing brands.
Anonymous
+1 I’m not an especially small human, I am about an 90s ‘6’ over the years the tag number on my clothes have progressively reduced from a 6 to a 0. I am the exact same size, but you’d never guess based on the numbers!
Anonymous
When Loft wants me to think I am 2 sizes smaller than I am in any other brand, that’s vanity sizing. I am offended that Loft is trying to trick me, not that what it’s doing is called vanity sizing.
Cat
10:29 anon, I don’t know what you’re trying to prove with your comments, but it is in fact very useful information to shoppers of standard American mall brands that yes, The Fold runs small compared to what we’re used to. Give a rest, please.
Anonymous
The fact that J. Crew sizing is considered “standard” is pretty sad. They used to (still do?) offer a size triple zero – 000. That’s how crazy their vanity sizing is.
Curious
It’s offensive because implying that wanting to have access to clothes my size is vain. If you are happy to have access to clothes in your size (smaller end of the spectrum, sounds like), just say so!
Anonymous
You do have access to clothes in your size. It is just that a J. Crew size “8” is more likely a true 10 or 12, but they just want to make you feel better by calling it an 8. Hence, vanity sizing.
anon
I don’t have access to clothes in my size, and that’s a problem. I am a perfectly healthy 100 pound five foot two 32 year old mother of one, and I do not fit into any of the American mall brands because their smallest sizes are too large. Size inclusivity” does not include the smaller sizes.
Anon
It’s not offensive. I’m 57 and the smallest size I have ever been able to squeeze myself into was a size US 8 about 20 years ago. I kept one beautiful dress from then (woven fabric, button back) and now my 21 year old daughter wears it. It fits her like a glove, as it did me. She routinely wears a US 4 I’m currently manufactured clothing.
My mom’s prom dress from 1957 was a size 14 and it was always too small for me, even when I wore a US 8.
This is not “offensive”. It’s just facts.
Anonymous
It’s also facts that women in the 1950s were taking amphetamines to stay slim. I would like to think our expectations about women’s bodies has evolved since then. Sizing changes.
Anon
You know, I know my mom and you don’t and I guarantee you she wasn’t taking amphetamines when she wore her 1957 prom dress in her svelte 1957 size 14.
Do you also accuse me of taking amphetamines 20 years ago?
Size inflation is a fact. I’ve had my own size inflation and I wear plus sizes now. It doesn’t make me feel threatened to know that the numbers on my clothing tags don’t mean the same thing that they meant decades ago.
+1 The Fold lover
seconding this!
I’m derby-dress seeker from weeks ago and you all were SO on the nail with The Fold. I was nervous about the high price (for one dress?!) but I ordered the Ivywell Dress Blush Pink Clever Crepe and it is SO gorgeous in person. I’m on the hunt for a great belt (like the model) but now I might have to drop into the store on my trip to London!
Senior Attorney
Oh my Lord that is one beautiful dress!
Anonymous
I have never noticed any odor on my orders from The Fold. I will be disappointed if they start smelling like cologne.
I find that The Fold runs larger than other UK brands. I usually take a US4/UK8 in UK brands, but in The Fold I take a US2/UK6. In US brands I am a 2 and occasionally a 0 depending on vanity sizing. 5’6″ and long-waisted, built like a tree trunk with no curves.
Cornellian
What does built like a tree trunk mean? Like youre a column? Asking for myself, ha. I’m usually a US 2 (occasionally 0) but with broad shoulders (so jackets are usually US 6 tailored in). I’m also long waisted.
Anonymous
The London store does NOT smell of cologne. It’s tiny, by the way, a small boutique store.
My guess would be that you are smelling “airplane scent”. On border-crossing flights, and plane shipped border-crossing parcels, you can get a slightly sweet and spicy scent lingering in your clothes.
I’ve always assumed it’s a disinfectant used to clean and bug-proof the planes.
Anonymous
Wide foot people, do you have problems with your pinky toes and cuticles? Mine grow like crazy and are super sensitive. I wince every time I get a pedicure and would like to do more at home.
Cat
Not a wide foot but my pinky toe cuticles also grow like wildfire. Or maybe it just seems like that bc it’s the smallest nail! Anyway I often quickly push them down in the shower (just using thumbnail) when they’re soft.
Anon
Yes, but my pinky toes are bent so that they actually lie sideways with the nail facing out, and the nail beds angle up so they grow away from the toe. (I’ve never broken toes, I just have stupid feet.) I have to cut the nails down to the quick because they will grind into the shoe bed if they get any bit of length to them, which puts constant pressure on the nail and eventually causes the whole bed to separate from the flesh. The usual advice to wear your toenails slightly long and squared off is just not feasible for feet like mine.
Anon
My pinky toe folds under a bit (I don’t have a wide foot) and I just cut that bit of skin off when I get out of the shower every couple of weeks.
Anonymous
I have wide feet but no pinky problems at 39. Could your shoes be too narrow or even just hitting you the wrong way?
Cat
Can I just vent for a minute on a completely first world problem – I ordered a bathroom mirror from Pottery Barn last weekend. Estimated arrival date was March 17-20 – great, must be in stock, right? NO. *After* I placed order it says backordered, and the arrival date window has been shifting a day or two later at a time all d.mn week.
If it wasn’t the perfect one I would cancel out of sheer annoyance.
Formerly Lilly
My 2021 experience with Pottery Barn is that they have really big supply and/or shipping issues. Yes, pandemic supply chain issues for everyone, I know, but their issues are far, far worse than others I have seen. Like you, I hung in there because they had what really worked for me. But it took seven months to get a rug and four months to get a mirror. I ended up cancelling an order from their sister company Williams Sonoma at five months because I could get kitchen stuff that would do elsewhere. Pottery Barn cancelled a custom sisal rug order on me two months into the process.
Vitals tracking app
I have been having the same issue with Rejuvenation, except since September.
anon
This has been my experience with Pottery Barn pre-pandemic. My son was born in 2015, and we had issues similar to OP’s getting a chair for his room. My mom once ordered a monogrammed cocktail shaker for a friend’s Christmas gift in the fall–she waited 2 Christmases before canceling the order.
Anonymous
Same.
Anonymous
I would call and speak to a person to get the scoop. And then cancel if necessary.
anon a mouse
Similar situation here – after a way too long period of indecisiveness, I ordered a duvet set in February from West Elm that was supposed to arrive in a week. I just got my third update and now it’s due in mid-April, just in time for me to take the winter duvet off the bed. Sigh.
Eliza
I order a sofa from a local store (not a chain) last June and it’s still not here.
Cat
Thanks for the commiseration — like, I get it if things are delayed, just SAY SO on your fr–king s-te rather than say one thing on the product page, and then something else after checkout, for the love!
Anonymous
We had so many issues with Pottery Barn delivery. Ordered two leather chairs, only one arrived. Only had seven days to return the one without seeing or knowing if the second would arrive, so we kept it. Ordered another two leather chairs, delayed a few months, only one arrived. We finally had to cancel the order and re-order. It made decorating, even within the span of four months, quite difficult.
Slightly freaked out
Eek. Had a really awkward call and I’m totally flustered now.
My industry has a lot of jobs out there just now and I’ve discovered I can make 7-20% more elsewhere. But I like my current employer and boss. After a few crappy jobs I really appreciate a good boss.
My boss found out that I’m not happy in my role (via someone I’d confided to) and phoned to discuss possible tweaks which would involve shifting several other people around. I don’t know what to say as what he’s offering is very much tasks I’ve done before and I’m really wanting to move up in responsibility. But there isn’t really scope to move up here.
I feel undervalued (monetarily and respect wise) here, but I know that’s my confidence problem. My head says stay as I’m acutely aware of how hard it is to find a good employer, but I now know how much I’m missing money wise (other employers are offering 7-20%more plus a bonus and double the pension match) and its like a nagging voice in my head.
I could walk straight into a similar role to what I’ve done prior to here and get 10% more plus a bonus (which I don’t get here) but its work thats a bit “been there done that”. If I stay my boss will move jobs around to give me a little more variety but again it’s “same old, same old” and I’m now aware that I’m under paid.
I don’t know what to say to my boss as I’m really conflicted. If I say don’t move anything around then he knows my head is already out the door. If I let him move things then I feel like I have to stay as I’d feel bad about leaving after he moved other people around for my sake. But the money thing nags at me.
Katrinka
It doesn’t sound like the moving around your boss is offering will actually address your concerns – and it definitely won’t address the concerns about the money, so why not be transparent? Let the boss know that your goal is actually to grow into more responsibility, and more importantly, to attain a salary that is commensurate with your market value of (10% raise or whatever you think it is). That way, if/when you leave, you have clearly communicated the reasons why and can do so without feeling bad. But if moving people around won’t actually address your issues, I agree you shouldn’t let them do it (though you still would be under no obligation to stay!)
Anonymous
+1 – ask for more money if that is what you want. If they are going to have to raise the salary to replace you anyway, they might as well give the raise to you and not lose all of your knowledge and experience. If it is hard to fill positions in your industry right now you are in a good position to negotiate.
Ses
+1 ask for the money. I get so annoyed when someone beats around the bush with all the euphemisms about wanting more responsibility or exposure to different projects when actually they just want a raise and any effort of mine other than a raise is going to fail. I’d be much happier hearing “I’ve done some market research and it looks like my role makes X – can you get me to that?” than anything vague about wanting more/different responsibilities.
Aunt Jamesina
I think people hesitate to be direct about wanting to be paid more because many employers will basically say, “sorry, take it or leave it” and in doing that, you’re signaling that you’ll be looking for another job. So many people I know have only gotten pay increases by leaving to another employer. It’s a silly game, but it’s founded in real experiences.
Slightly freaked out
Ugh. At a prior job I plucked up the courage to ask for a raise when I found out they were looking for someone PQ for my team with a salary range 15-20% more than mine (and I was qualified). I was told the big boss didn’t believe he had to pay existing staff the going rate.
That’s made me scared to ask here.
Anonymous
But if you are thinking of leaving anyway, what do you have to lose?
Ses
Yeah, I get the desire to play it safe, but I’m on both sides and have never experienced bad fallout from asking for money. Sometimes my ask wasn’t met but I still got something.
Anon
You need to look for a new job. Doing the same thing at another place isn’t your only option.
Slightly freaked out
I’ve definitely been looking, but the market here is dominated by 3 or 4 recruitment consultancies which have 90% of the jobs (UK). I find they have an idea of what you “should” go for and can be quite reticent to put you forward for anything else. But I will keep an eye out.
Unfortunately I have some physical limitations that rule a lot of locations out so my options are more limited.
Anonymous
You need to frame the conversation with your boss from one about unhappiness to one about growth. If you like your boss and your employer and want to stay there, talk about you future and how you move up/ make more money. Don’t talk about projects that annoy you or not wanting to be a people manager or whatever else boss is trying to tweak for you.
Anonymous
Suggestion. On Monday, after you’ve had a chance to sleep on it, go to boss/reach out. Schedule time if needed depending on your office. “Boss, I’ve been thinking about our call. I appreciate you reaching out to talk about my role. I really value you as a leader and would like to stay here. The market has changed quite a bit, and I am requesting [this duty added/removed; this title change; and/or a $X/%X raise. I also believe our pension match is under market. I understand the company may not be able to change that, so I am also requesting a retention bonus of $X.”
Slightly freaked out
Sounds reasonable. I’ll try and work up the courage over the weekend.
I think I need to dig deep and grow a pair…
Anonymous
I posted the suggested script… I 100% recommend practicing your script. Write it down if you’re going to be on the call so you have easy to read bullet points. Once you say your piece, listen. Be willing to email it, too. In my experience, women negotiating raises are more comfortable citing data or objective criteria to justify the raise. Instead of beating yourself up for wanting justification – write 1-3 (max) reasons down. They know you’re valuable. I always advise asking for more money than you actually want/expect because it is good to hear “no” and they may anchor your number. Every time in my personal history that I have provided a range, the firm typically hits the low end of the range. If you do a range, know what you’re willing to accept. If it will make you mad to get 3% if you demand 17 % – be grateful for the 3 and then think about next steps for your own career. Good luck!
Bette
Do it. Agree with the advice to practice your speech in advance.
Also, say your piece and then stop talking. Do not over explain or negotiate with yourself. Be ok with some uncomfortable silence. You can do this.
Anon
It’s so weird. I had a call from a former coworker yesterday where our old boss is trying to do this to him. Its all labor shortage issues and instead of paying more to get more people, they’re trying to get the same people they already have to take on more work as a “career challenge”
Keep your resume updated.
Anon
Has anyone done the original South Beach diet? I remember my parents having both short term and lasting success doing it, so I thinkI’m going to at least do the first few weeks to kickstart losing my COVID 20.
My MO is that I usually eat healthy meals but then go overboard on unhealthy snacks, so I’m looking for better consistency so I’m hoping the very clear cut list and schedule might help me. I’ve never successfully lost weight (having tried everything from diets to lifestyle changes) .
I’m about 10 years out from my D1 college glory days and I”m probably 30 lbs heavier and out of shape and feeling it! Obviously I have no plans of returning to my glory days body, but I need to get in better shape and lose weight!
Anon
no, but i’m pretty sure you cant eat fruit for the first stage, which is why i dont think i could ever do it. lots of people on here will probably chime in and say don’t do a fad diet, but i say do what works for you to get started.
Formerly Lilly
Fruit is out only for the first two weeks, although at no point is it going to be eat a big bowl of fruit! I did this diet back when the book was new or newish and pretty easily lost 20 pounds. I was in my 30’s. I’ve looked at it recently and am sad to see how monetized and faddish it is online now. My advice would be to get a copy of the original book and use that. If it suits, maybe pick up one or two of the original cookbooks.
Anonymous
I did ages ago and it worked but was not lasting. I did weight watchers more recently and had a LOT more success. That program was more about “everything you want, generally, in moderation.” I lost about 25lbs on WW last year, put back 10 when I stopped paying attention, and lost 5 of that. I think it helped me permanently change eating habits: I now eat fruit, granola and fat free greek yogurt for breakfast basically every day instead of a bagel or cereal, I eat much more chicken and fish vs red meat, and I got really good at replacing carb-y snacks with fruit/veg. And I still drink wine.
Anon
I haven’t done it but remember making some of the recipes when my parents did it a very long time ago. I thought the recipes in the book were tasty.
Anon
I did it years ago and the results didn’t last. I’ve been doing No S for years and years now, and it’s the only thing that’s worked. Bonus: it’s free! I’m also a snackaholic, so it’s a good fit.
Anon
When you’re really putting off doing the thing, what do you do to make yourself do it? I’m in a continual situation at work of being so behind, waking up in the middle of the night anxious about the state of my projects, and then get to work and I”m unable to light a fire under me to do it.
This trend is happening several places in my life (pile of mail that’s been growing for weeks, clutter in my bedroom, a great workout routine that stopped on a dime and I can’t start up again, responding to texts from friends, etc)
Katrinka
A big help is to me is fully embracing the idea that done is better than perfect. If there’s an email I know I have to send, I just type up my thoughts quickly and hit send, without doing my usual routine of proofreading it 2-3 times. If it’s a bigger project, I at least open it up and get started, without committing to finishing anything. If it’s a call I need to have but can’t bring myself to prepare for, I hop on the call cold, knowing that if something comes up in the moment that I don’t know or can’t respond to, I’ll just say, “I’m going to need to look into that and get back to you.”
Anonymous
Since getting started is the hardest part for me, I do a couple of things: Time limiting – say I just need to work on it for a short period of time (10 min – 1 hour, whatever you can stomach) and then I can stop. With exercise, say I will run a mile (or do 10 minutes or whatever) and then if I need to turn around/stop I can. Often I will be ready to keep going at the end of the period of time, but if I want to stop I stop with no regrets.
Similarly, the shitty first draft – I have to do a lot of writing in my work, and I tell myself I just need to write a BAD first draft. Or even an outline. Anything to make a start on it. Revising is so much easier than starting fresh. For dreaded emails, I often make myself write a draft and then I don’t send it right away. I’ll come back to revise and send later. You could do this for texts. For dreaded phone calls, I write a crappy script for myself and then come back to it and actually make the call. (Making a script for calls is, in general, very helpful for my introvert tendencies).
For cleaning up, make the bed first. Break it into chunks and only assign yourself one at a time. E.g. declutter the counter; leave the rest for another day. Or work on decluttering the counter for 15 minutes and then stop.
Senior Attorney
All hail the sh!tty first draft! I always say “anything worth doing is worth doing badly.”
Anon
+1
Anonymous
I went through a few years like that. In hindsight, I was spread too thin, anxious about everything being done perfectly, and not in a great mental place.
Eventually, I took on less and deprioritized some things.
Anon
+1
Still there to some extent, but better. This is burnout.
OP, taking a day off to do *nothing* guilt free usually helps and the next day I’m better able to tackle things. For me *nothing* is reading, hanging around in cafes, going to a museum. The key is the *guilt free* part, which is very hard to do but once I’ve realized how much it helps me be more productive, it’s become easier to do.
Also, making a list of the 3 things I *have to do* and giving myself permission to just stop after that helps motivate me to get through those 3 things. Once I stopped worrying about the fact that I can’t stop at the 3 things because I have to do all this other stuff, I realized that doing the 3 things is better than the nothing I accomplish when stuck.
Anon
Create panic in myself via a forced deadline from an outside party. So if I can’t get off my azz and clean the house, I invite someone over. If I can’t get to the mail pile, I tell DH that he should start shredding it on X date. Et cetera.
anon
I normalize the “thing” as much as I can. I get organized and calm. I put the thing on my to-do list with other tasks I’m not dreading, and then I do it because it’s on the list. Like others have said, I may let go a bit and just get it done fast, or at least get notes or bullet points out fast.
Nina
Agree with Katrinka about done is better than perfect.
Break it down into small things and do the smallest thing you can just to start it.
Say its okay if you do it for 10 mins, send one text, etc. It’ll break you out of the funk at least.
I had a therapist in grad school who helped me a lot with the avoiding mail thing – you’re going to have to go through the annoyance of sorting your mail anyways, why add the pain of tyrying to avoi it to that. It took alittle while, but eventually that did sink in.
Also, upping my antidepressant dose, which i was initially really against, made a world of difference in fixing this.
Anon
A tiny step to establish momentum is what works for me. For me, the key is picking one small thing and doing that first thing in the morning. Crossing it off the list feels good, and I am usually able to harness that energy to move on to the next item on the list.
Anonymous
Has anyone ordered from Universal Standard lately? It’s been nearly 2 weeks and my order still hasn’t shipped — is this normal for them?
JTM
Yes this is normal esp at this time of year with all the mystery box orders.
You can chat with customer service and see if your order is being held up by something specific and they’ll probably kick you a coupon code for your trouble.
Sybil
I got a mystery box that took three weeks to get to me, but a regular order last week that took three days.
I have a butt
How should a stretchy material sheath dress fit in the back? I am a pretty conservative dresser and have always tried to keep my suiting to where below my butt the skirt does not hug but goes straight down, but I am finding that is hard to accomplish in the stretchier materials popular right now. Is it acceptable in a professional setting for the material to gently hug the bottom of the butt before continuing down?
Anonymous
It wouldn’t be acceptable for me personally, but you get to decide if it is for you. For myself, I’d look for a more a-line dress, or if I was set on a sheath dress, get one in a different fabric or get one that had more room in the hips and tailor it.
Cat
yes 100% acceptable if not preferred. it shouldn’t cling all the way to the leg, but a slight curve is a more youthful fit while still being totally appropriate.
NYC
This is how my work dresses fit too
Anon
To me, this is how a sheath, rather than a shift, fits.
Anon
Genuinely asking, how is this different from pants which hug the bottom of your leg all the way down?
Pants are still considered modest and professional, so I’m wondering why the standard should be different with dresses?
Pants
Well, I am full in the butt, and this is why I don’t wear any of the popular stretchy “work pants” that actually fit me like leggings.
Katrinka
Srs question, does this shirt not count as “ruffles everywhere” as we were advised “not to wear to work in 2022”? https://corporette.com/what-not-to-wear-to-work/.
anon
This seems like a lot of look for the office, tbh. I don’t mind a small ruffle, but some of these giant ones definitely scream social occasion.
Anon
That list really isn’t aging well. Most everything on it – whether you like the styles or not is a different question – is just fine and common in offices now. For me, just one more reason why this isn’t really a fashion space and is an interesting work and life commentary advice space.
Anon
Plus, I would never wear this with a blazer because all those ruffles would just bunch up mid-arm under the blazer!
Anon
This blouse makes me think of salsa dancing. I try not to do that in the office.
Senior Attorney
I have a blouse with sleeves similar to this and I wear it to the office.
Of course, I have also worn sneakers to the office almost every day since Jnauary 10 so you can see I have pretty much given up.
Anon
Ugh. A driver stopped in the nick of time to avoid hitting my daughter crossing the street for her stopped school bus (with the flashing lights out and everything). I have stopped shaking an hour later.
I hate that I can’t leave an 11YO home in a safe neighborhood to catch the bus. I don’t really fear intentional crimes. I fear people barely paying attention. The sun was out, it wasn’t raining, it’s a neighborhood street with full lines of sight, kiddo’s jacket is neon yellow, kiddo was carrying a viola case, the bus is yellow, the flashing lights are white and red and it took me yelling stop for the guy actually stop.
Be careful and aware out there, y’all. I know bad guys still exist, but the sloppy inattentive ones will likely get you first.
anonshmanon
I am really sorry, Anon! What a nightmare of a morning!
Anonymous
Ugh I’m so sorry! I similarly have trust issues, I wish we could expect basic attention and rule following from fellow adults.
Anon
this is why i think keeping daylight savings time instead of standard time is doing to be super dangerous
Cat
why? Either way people are driving in the dark – either in the morning when they’re half awake and rushed, or in the evening when they’re racing home.
Generally speaking, driving has gotten more dangerous thanks to Covid IMHO. At first people were racing around bc no one else was on the roads, and then I think the same anti-social behavior that’s affecting other aspects of society has resulted in more aggressive driving too.
Anon
kids are harder to see and are the ones walking to school in the dark. in the evening for leisure activities, it is easier to put on reflective gear
Mouse
Only because you insist on having school and work start so ridiculously early in the US.
Anon
I totally agree with Mouse (and I live in the US and am an early riser).
Anon
I agree it’s gotten worse with the pandemic. There were the street racers, and then I think some people just got rusty at driving. I’m not sure about anti-social behavior, but I wouldn’t be surprised.
I wonder if long COVID is a factor too. I’ve tried to drive with brain fog before… I really don’t recommend it.
anon
Totally agree. I have seen egregious driving behavior since covid. Things that are so dangerous and SO unnecessary. I hate it. It seems like people aren’t willing to just make a mistake while driving. Like, whoops, I went the wrong way. Instead of taking the next turn and turning around, I will back up in traffic on the shoulder to do a three-point turn.
Senior Attorney
I have a friend who is a traffic court judge, and she says things are just CRAZY now. Like, where there was maybe one 100-miles-an-hour speeding ticket per month before, now there is at least one per DAY. And that is completely consistent with my own experience just driving around town. People are nuts.
Anon
I’d still be shaking too.
It is so easy to get and keep a driver’s license in the USA (it’s what happens when there’s no competing mode of transportation to keep people employed and the economy running). And people drive on substances all of the time (yes Xanax counts). I agree that it’s scary, dangerous, and that keeping daylight savings time instead of sticking with standard time year round will make it worse.
When I was a kid, we would watch and write down the license plate numbers of drivers who stopped in the nick of time or swerved around kids crossing the street. It’s so dystopian to think about it. We’re lucky we never witnessed someone get seriously hurt.
anon
I am so sorry that happened to you and your daughter. Big hugs. And I am 100% with you. We live in a safe neighborhood, but the crosswalk from our street to the school scares the daylights out of me. People don’t slow down and there is a slight hill that turns into a blind spot.
Anon
My community has this discussion frequently and we believe that, at least locally, attempted safety measures have made kids less safe.
Back in the 80s and 90s, kids would have to walk a bit of distance to converge at one central bus stop, where the whole neighborhood would gather to be picked up. So a gaggle of 10-15 kids would be entering and exiting a bus in one clump.
Over time, parents complained about their kids walking too far, so more bus stops sprung up, untl fewer kids were being picked up at each stop, but stops multiplied throughout the service area. This practice got more extreme until kids were being picked up in groups of 1-3 a few times on every street.
So now you have fewer kids moving at once (making them harder to see) and the buses are stopping constantly, making drivers aggravated because they know that seeing a school bus means they’ll be doing under 10 mph for several miles, with stops every couple hundred yards. People are fed up and they start to drive more aggressively to “beat” the bus so they don’t get stuck.
Many parents want to go back to the “fewer stops with more kids” model.
anon
+1 I am on a corner and there are about four houses down to the next block in my suburban neighborhood and this morning, I saw four different buses (which yes I get different schools) stop and each of the four corners around me. The same bus literally was stopping every four houses. This is nuts!
Anon
This sounds smart; bigger groups of kids are definitely more visible. Walking a bit farther sounds less dangerous than this solution (as long as the walk itself doesn’t involve any street crossing).
Anon
We shouldn’t be making little kids responsible for their own safety (wear hi-viz! stay in groups!) when the onus needs to be on the city/state to design safe roads, law enforcement to enforce the traffic laws and users themselves. If you’re going to seal yourself in a 2 ton machine, morally if not legally, you have a duty of care to not maim or kill people with it.
Hi viz, groups, staying together on sidewalks is all good advice, but we all need to be raising hell for structural changes to how we get around, not asking little kids to shoulder responsibility for their own safety.
Anon
The automotive industry has never wanted us to have safe, robust public transit. Maybe this will change in my lifetime.
Cat
This makes a ton of sense to me as it happens with city buses in Philly. The stops are like every block in some areas so people def gun it to get around a bus!
The law of unintended consequences…
Anon
In our city, not that many people even have kids, so while there might be 5 first graders who could wait at a stop together, they often go to different middle and high schools due to magnet programs and/or changing school boundaries (so older kids get grandfathered to one school and a kid a grade lower has to go to the other middle school). IDK what the answer is. But having a Starbucks that half these drivers are going to or coming from a block away is definitely adding to the craziness of people rushing to text in their order while driving and then go pick it up.
I’ve almost been hit 2x in crosswalks at lights, so I think it’s just dangerous to be a pedestrian even when the sun is up (maybe especially then b/c there are more drivers).
Anonymous
I agree about the spacing of bus stops. Our street is less than 1/4 mile long. The bus stops three times on it. With reasonable placement and spacing of bus stops, kids would be crossing at intersections with stop signs instead of right in front of their houses. The ridiculous number of bus stops also causes drivers to lose patience.
People who refuse to park their cars in their garages or driveways, and who don’t teach their kids to look both ways and not to dart out from between parked cars, are also a huge part of the problem. Every house in our neighborhood has a two-car garage. We are literally the only people who use the garage for cars. Everyone else puts a couch and a TV in their garage. Which would be fine as long as they kept their cars in the driveway, but they don’t. They park 2 – 4 cars per household along the street. Then these same people let their kids play in the street unsupervised and don’t teach them to pay attention to what is happening around them. They literally hide between the parked cars and suddenly jump out while playing tag or Nerf wars. I am terrified to drive down my own street at 5 mph.
anon
A similar situation happened in my suburban neighborhood and someone (it might have been the bus driver) contacted the police and they sent a patrol car to hang out in our neighborhood around bus pick up time for a few days. He didn’t catch anyone but I think drivers started being more cautious because they might get ticketed if they’re not careful. We happen to have an overly attentive police department without much real crime to worry about–I know many police stations barely have capacity to respond to emergencies in real time–but if you live in a similar area, they might do the same.
Seventh Sister
We live in an urban residential neighborhood that’s used as a cut-through by commuters. Having a patrol car hang out periodically does help with the rolling-the-stop-sign jerks, but what helped the most was the installation of some speed humps.
FWIW, I totally get why people cut through my neighborhood and don’t begrudge them a bit, they just need to actually stop at the stop signs, not pause.
Anon
I’m so sorry. Please use your experience as a springboard to raising hell with your city. Traffic violence is terrible and so common (I’ve been hit twice in the bike lane and know many others who were injured severely or killed). Few people in planning departments or city councils have the imagination to consider that people outside of cars are just as worthy of arriving in one piece as people in cars, or that anything other than the current status quo is possible. They accept the occasional pedestrian or cyclist death as the cost of throughput. Fixing it will be complicated, will inconvenience motorists and will cost money. As a result, there’s very little will to do so, so please, please, please be a squeaky wheel.
As it stands right now, if you want to get away with murder in the United States, kill someone with your car.
Anon
Hugs. Two weeks ago, I was pulling my toddler in her sled down my gravel driveway. So private property. Someone pulled into my driveway driving 30 miles an hour right at us. I put my hand up and started yelling “hey, hey stop” over and over. The driver had the audacity to stop and then speed towards us again. They then stopped 2 feet away from me. He then quickly reversed out of my driveway. My husband was convinced it was a drunk driver. But this was at 2pm in the afternoon on a Sunday. It’s scary to think my daughter could get hit in her own backyard. I thought living out on the edge of town with a long driveway would help with safety. But apparently not.
I’ll be honest, I was spooked by this for days. I’m sure you will be too. It’s made me hug my kiddo tighter at the end of each day.
Anon
Omg what in the world! I fenced in my yard specifically for my preschoolers to play in. I have neighbors that drove their lawn tractors (large commercial tractors) and walked their dogs through my yard (and left dog poop) while the kids were playing outside. It just didn’t feel safe. The fence has done wonders for my peace of mind.
Anon
People think those “stop signs” aren’t real stop signs. My city did a school bus sting a number of years ago. Had a school bus on the side of the road with its lights flashing and signs out. No one stopped. They all got tickets. I heard from one lucky recipient how outrageous it was that they got ticketed — “It wasn’t a real bus! They were just trying to get money!”
Well, if YOUR kid was on that bus, wouldn’t you want people to stop? What if a six year old dropped something and ran in to the street to get it?
anon
Has WFH caused any of you to think about weight / weight loss differently?
Pre-pandemic, I was below the “low end” of the BMI chart for my height. 25 pounds later, I am right around the middle/high end of the BMI spectrum, and honestly, I can’t say I really care anymore since I WFH, am in sweats all day, and significant other seems to be pretty happy with my enlarged, ahem, assets. I will likely travel to HQ in the spring/summer, and traditionally, I’d probably look at being on an “only veggies and meat and no sugar” diet in order for my “thinner self” to make an appearance for the 1-2 day in-person visit. I know what it takes to lose weight since I’ve done it before, but for some reason, I really don’t care about losing weight now. Rather, I’d be happier at this weight while enjoying the tasty and carby food. I rationalize it with: do I really need to lose weight for professional reasons? Probably not, since WFH is the ideal setup for me, and moving up the ladder means a move to HQ. (If I were in a role that required me to RTO, I’d definitely be taking a stronger interest in losing weight.)
Thoughts from the hive?
Anon
If I had your weight distribution, I might not care. Unfortunately, it all goes to my hips and I am vain. And also to cheap to buy new work clothes (fashion trends have upended that a bit — not wearing a sheath dress and heels on a daily basis even if they fit).
Monday
Vain people can look like anything, FWIW. You can be vain at a higher weight, vain with all gray hair, vain with permanent bags under your eyes, and so on.
anon
No, IMO, you do not need to lose weight for professional reasons – that is not a thing, unless you are an athlete or a model (or something related). It also doesn’t sound the best for your body, considering you likely would gain it back after visiting HQ.
anon
I definitely wouldn’t engage in weight loss simply for work reasons. I doubt anyone is going to notice or care. If you want to lose weight, do it for you. And it sounds like you’re not there, and that’s OK. I’m currently working on my pandemic 20. It frankly sucks and I’m working hard without much payoff. Makes me wonder if I should accept being slightly overweight and just move on with my life.
Anon
veering off topic, but same here. Gained 15 pounds in the pandemic, have been working out and eating better for a month to very little avail. I was this weight in my early twenties and dropped 15 pounds by basically cutting out drinking and late night taco bell, then stayed stable at that lower weight for ten years. It was so easy then compared to now. This time around it seems like I can eat perfectly, lift weights and the scale won’t move an inch. It sucks.
Katrinka
There are studies that show overweight people have less professional success, unfortunately. Up to you whether you give those credence or want to take that into account.
Anon
But she is not overweight now. She is still thin, just no longer very super thin.
Anon
I think I’m dealing with the same thing: I’m just not motivated to lose weight right now. I feel like I look better than ever in a bikini, but getting clothes to fit off the rack is absurdly harder with a curvier figure, and even when they fit, the outcome doesn’t look as “professional” to me as it would with a more streamlined figure. But with WFH, it’s almost never coming up anyway.
I honestly think there may be some internalized isms involved for the way I feel about it. I think I was raised to feel that it’s lower class to be curvy than to be svelte, at least in terms of central casting “at a glance” associations (and that I should straighten my wavy hair to look more professional, etc.). A lot of that feels messed up to me in retrospect (like different body weights have different levels of status or respect). Currently I’m only approaching diet and exercise with health in mind, and I’m just taking a “see what happens” approach to weight (probably not much).
anonshmanon
No way would I diet for my job (unless my job involves runways and red carpets). Focus on your health markers, and rely on your doctor to know whether you should lose weight. Also listen to the eye opening episode of the Maintenance Phase podcast about BMI and how we shouldn’t put too much trust in it.
My most memorable takeaway: A change in policy lowered the threshold for normal vs overweight BMI to 25 in 1990, after it had been at 28.5 for women age 20-29 before. This change in definition allowed more doctors to prescribe weight loss medication to more patients now officially defined as obese, which insurance would then cover.
Monday
This also affected who was eligible for weight loss surgery, which is also a huge money-maker. BMI has a super shaky basis even before the changes made in the 90s.
Eating disorders are far more dangerous than the sole factor of higher BMI, and dieting is a major predictor of eating disorders.
Anon
Weight loss surgery is also super dangerous (I know there are good outcomes, and I wish people who have experienced good outcomes all the best, but the bad outcomes, especially if they count 5-10 year outcomes, can be horrific, and it doesn’t seem as though we’re doing a great job predicting which patients will benefit).
Anon
The idea that dieting predicts eating disorders is like saying playing tennis predicts being serena williams. Sure, Serena Williams plays tennis but…woah that’s a leap.
Being overweight, or more than that, obese is objectively bad your health. Period. Full stop. That’s not to say being slightly overweight is worse than being 5 lbs less and technically “healthy”, but yeah, if you’re 30 lbs into obese, your health would be improved by you losing weight.
Monday
Dieting is one of the strongest predictors of developing an eating disorder. Sure, this is the same as playing tennis as the strongest predictor of being a tennis champion. But if your goal is to avoid the most dangerous outcome for your health (having an ED), then not dieting is a great way to reduce the likelihood.
Intentional weight loss fails, long term, about 95% of the time.
Medical professionals, of which I am one, are often way too lazy about looking at people’s individual risk factors. Tons of assumptions get tied up with someone’s weight that are actually not applicable. High weight, independently, is NOT a health problem.
Sources coming in reply! I also strongly recommend the Weight And Healthcare newsletter.
Monday
Sources:
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/dangers-dieting-clean-eating
https://nedc.com.au/eating-disorders/eating-disorders-explained/disordered-eating-and-dieting/
https://www.jandonline.org/article/S0002-8223(06)00004-6/fulltext
https://www.cbc.ca/news/health/obesity-research-confirms-long-term-weight-loss-almost-impossible-1.2663585
Anon
I guess I’m an oddball because WFH has helped me lose weight and improve my eating habits. Controlling my environment has been a total boon for my health. I dictate the thermostat, so I’m not gulping down high-calorie drinks to warm up. I can cook and have fresh food for lunch, without worrying about perishables surviving a commute and sitting out at room temperature until noon. I only need to resist temptation at the grocery store once per week, while at work I had no control over the vending machine contents.
Sunshine71
Same here. My eating habits and my workouts are much easier to manage with WFH.
If OP was, for example, uncomfortable at her current weight, or felt her eating habits have shifted to be unhealthy, or she previously exercised and quit, AND she wanted to change those things, then I can see good reasons to want to work to lose a bit of weight or body fat to get to the midpoint on BMI. I don’t think losing weight with a drastic diet for an in-person meeting is the way to go, though. There is surely a bias against heavy people in the workplace, but I think that’s mostly for those who are significantly overweight or obese.
Anonymous
I think you need to do some serious self reflection on why you find it appropriate to even ask a group of professional women whether you need to do a restrictive diet to get back to being super skinny from just regular old thin.
Anonymous
The middle to high end of the BMI spectrum for women is not thin. Not at all. The BMI ranges are designed for men, not women.
Monday
The post doesn’t specify if she means the high end of BMI overall (like 35+) or the high end of “normal,” or what. However, the BMI being normed on men is a reason that it is much MORE stringent for women, not less. Women naturally have higher body fat %, meaning that a woman is more likely to be “thin” in a colloquial sense while having a “high” BMI.
Anon
I think this is very height dependent. I’m tall – at the middle of the spectrum, I’m definitely thin-ish. Healthy thing – like “oh she works out and eats vegetables” thin. At the low end I look like I should eat a bit more, and at the top I look a little “curvy but healthy-ish”.
Monday
This can be another sign that BMI is a faulty measure. It’s supposed to take height into account, since height is part of the formula. Nothing about this would be “very height dependent” if we could trust BMI.
Sunshine71
I read it as OP is now at the high end of normal, not the high end of the range (obese).
Anonymous
WFH had a different impact on my thinking about weight. Going from ~20% travel and a long commute when not traveling to full-time WFH made me realize exactly how terrible salty restaurant food is for my body.
Sadly, I’ve been so exhausted over the past several months that I have gone back to eating too much takeout.
Anon
Dieting before a meeting to be your thinner self when you were already at the low end of your recommended BMI sounds problematic, so it’s probably a good thing that you are feeling more relaxed, within healthy limits.
Anon
I think there’s a big difference between going from the low end of healthy BMI to the high end versus going from the middle/high to overweight or obese. For me, I feel my best around 145 lbs, which for my height (5’9″) is pretty dead on in the middle. During COVID, I gained 40 lbs and hit 185, which is overweight, but also, I FELT it – my knees hurt, the activities I liked were harder, and I slept worse. I’m slowly getting back to my ideal weight, but I think it’s about your weight, but almost more, how you FEEL at that weight. If you still feel good and like your body – AWESOME, stick there!
Curious
I’ve edged up into overweight but strengthened my core and appear to be surviving cancer and holy crap I just like my body. It’s freeing. Maybe I’ll hit some isms, but Wardrobe Oxygen has taught me I can look fab in a 12-14. So I say: lean into this. Your health outcomes will be better than yo-yo dieting. If you have extra energy, put it into something that makes you feel strong or kind. All the best :)
Anon
I’m short and I gained 15 pounds in COVID. I am a recovering bulimic. To lose the weight, I’d have to weigh and measure all my food and drop to close to 1200 calories a day. My ob-gyn (without knowing my ED history–yes, she should, but it’s really hard to verbalize when not anonymous) said very clearly that she’d rather me be 15 pounds heavier and enjoying my life. She doesn’t like the cortisol and other side effects of stressing about weight.
No, you don’t need to lose weight for professional reasons. We should stop risking our physical well-being or promising adherence to some rigid beauty standard to our employers. And–I genuinely mean this kindly–if you are in a managerial or influential peer position, please gutcheck any negative reaction to someone’s weight. We all have unconscious biases, and this sounds like it might be one of yours if you associate weight with professionalism.
Monday
Great point in the second paragraph.
Coach Laura
I am careful with what I eat and workout a lot for my age, but that is to stay healthy – not to loose weight. In my younger years, I dieted to lose weight and look good in professional clothes (and let’s face it – to try to avoid the penalty that obese women pay). Now I want to not out-grow my nice wardrobe, get a bit smaller so I’m not on the cusp of large/extra-large so it’s easier to shop online and have things fit first try, and to stay strong. So just dieting for a visit to HQ wouldn’t be appealing for me.
Kat G
Just FYI, if you’re wondering about the comments issue that happened yesterday (and why we’re hopeful we have a workaround until the tech guys figure it out) —
We did a big tech update yesterday for Corporette, and a week or two ago for CorporetteMoms, and it’s screwed with caching. For some reason even if we approve comments they only refresh every 45-60 minutes on the front end. I figured out yesterday after about 3 hours of troubleshooting myself that if we manually update the post then the comments will also refresh. Tech guys are still looking into it, but in the meantime at least we have a workaround. So if you happen to notice random letters appearing and disappearing in the post itself, uh, that’s the workaround. Thank you guys for your patience; I’m hopeful we’ll have a better solution, hopefully by EOD.
Lobby-est
Thanks Kat!
Curious
Best of luck! If your caches are layered make sure that both are getting purged and that TTL is short. Probably neither is the case (this sounds like “comments have updated” messages not reaching the server), but distributed systems can be weird.
AIMS
That’s very scary! I will say that I try to use these kinds of things as opportunities to just feel immense gratitude! Random horrible things happen all the time. There was a little girl who was just sitting outside on a bench with her grandmother a few years ago in NY and a brick from a building fell on her head and she died. Not from construction, just from the building. I couldn’t stop thinking about it for weeks because how the h*ll do you ever protect against that? Obviously this is different in that a driver on a school bus street should be more careful but my takeaway remains that you need to be careful, yes, but you also just grateful that your life wasn’t changed by a tragedy today. I always stop to just do that. Particularly important now when so many people across the world are having their lives completely upended in the most horrible ways by events totally outside their control.
Ribena
But drivers hurting or killing people doesn’t ‘just happen’. It’s something we as a society (here in the U.K. as well as across the West) have accepted and designed into our public spaces. Look up ‘stop de kindermoord’, the Dutch campaign in the 20th century to change how their public space worked to prevent kids being killed by careless driving.
Curious
That campaign was so inspiring, and there’s so much more green space instead of parking lots in the Netherlands now as a result.
Anonymous
The father of that girl wrote a book/memoir, which is worth a read if anyone is interested. I can’t recall the name off the top of my head but I’m sure it’s easy to find. An absolutely devastating loss.
Anon
Once More We Saw Stars
Time consuming hobbies
Thinking about the discussion re expensive hobbies yesterday, and I’m struggling a bit with how to handle the time commitment of DH’s hobby. DH has always enjoyed running, and over time the hobby has evolved and become much more time and energy consuming. So, for example, he used to run for exercise a few times a week, which then led to training for a marathon, which has now led to hard core training at an elite level for another marathon. He is passionate about this hobby and I want to support him, but I’m also growing resentful of the increasingly daunting commitment where it seems to be just assumed I will pick up the slack at home. We have 2 kids, and now Saturday mornings he has committed to a training team that requires an hour drive each way to a hilly area for 2+ hour runs, so essentially takes up every Saturday morning and leaves me without a car. I end up just staying home with the kids and doing laundry and chores around the house, to get them out of the way and free us up for fun stuff during the times DH isn’t training, which I then become resentful of doing. After these long runs he is exhausted and also spends time stretching, icing, foam rolling, resting, etc. When he’s not training he pulls his weight at home and basically cooks dinner and cleans up every night, is really involved with the kids, etc. but I still feel like this huge time commitment is not “fair” and I’m having a hard time not becoming resentful. I don’t have a similar hobby, and I feel like I don’t have time for that because we both work full time at demanding jobs and have 2 elementary age kids. All I do is work or chores or manage the kids. He says if I were to find a hobby that means a lot to me, he would support me, but I don’t feel like I even have the time or wherewithal to figure out what I like. He says it’s not zero sun and there is room for me to do fun stuff too, but it never happens in reality. It is becoming a point of contention where if I complain about the time commitment he tries to play down the time involved (“most of my running is during the day during the week so it doesn’t affect you, it’s just Saturday mornings”) and accuses me of being unsupportive, which makes me irate because I am the one holding down the fort and picking up the slack. Not sure if either of us is being unreasonable, or how to get past this. I’m really proud of him and I know how deeply meaningful this running is for him, so I don’t want to take that away, but I can’t help this resentment that is building. It is about another month until the marathon, so I think I just need to wait it out and then he has promised he will take a break to recover and has no future plans for more marathons. How do I support my DH’s passion for his hobby while also making sure my needs are met?
Anon
Maybe you need another car, not a hobby? I hate feeling trapped somewhere (even at home, since it’s hard to leave even in the most walkable area if you have kids). Also, if you had a car, you could get a sitter and do something like meet a friend for brunch (a hobby I can endorse).
Katrinka
+1 on another car, or on DH hitching a ride to the morning runs with someone else in the group, or using a ZipCar if it doesn’t make sense to buy another car for once-a-week outings.
Also +1 on you getting a sitter for Saturday mornings. Or look into group childcare situations like the YMCA where you can drop them off and get some free time.
Cat
Can you trade off when he’s not actively training?
Like – ok you get X Saturday mornings a year for your hobby, so I also get X Saturday mornings to take the car and do what I want while *you* stay home with the kids and catch up on chores.
Anon
Also a marathoner here with young kids. There is a way to train intensely without disrupting family life. It sounds like the training team and having to drive that far away on a weekly basis is the issue. Those Saturdays are inappropriate. He can still train hard but needs to get more creative than that group, like long runs from/near your house while the kids are asleep.
As you said, if the marathon is soon, let it go but the minute he starts talking about another one, you need to be clear about boundaries. Maybe he can’t train quite the way he wants in this season, but he can do better.
Anon
THIS. Another marathoner and cyclist here. Plenty of people who train for (marathon, Ironman, Great Divide ride, RAAM ,insert huge race here) do so while being attentive partners. Those of us who have been at it for a while have also observed time and time again, the subset of men (and a few women) who train as a form of escapism. For these people, the training issues are just a symptom. There’s always the possibility your DH is just thoughtless and a tad self-absorbed, but I’ve seen it play out SO many times over the years with both men and women and have been guilty myself left a bad relationship wither on the vine rather than quickly ending it, because it was just easier to go for another long run than have a hard conversation.
Anonymous
Yes, it’s no different from men who dump the kids with their wives all weekend to golf, except that running and biking are a better cover than golf because people admire the “self-discipline” required for intense training.
Anon
I just want to co-sign this, as the wife of a cyclist who has trained for and completed half-century and century rides. The OP’s husband does not need to be part of a training group that practices an hour away from their house. If he can’t find a training group closer to where they live, he can find a training partner, or he can train solo, at times that are mutually-agreed-upon as being least disruptive to the household. I am 100% in favor of people having hobbies (my husband cycles and he does martial arts and while it takes time, if needed he skips rides/classes or pulls out of events to take care of his responsibilities at home). I have a hobby and I appreciate being given space to do my hobby, so I get how important it is. I am 100% not in favor of people’s hobbies impacting the family to the level OP describes. This is selfish behavior by the husband and it needs to stop, by OP putting a stop to it. If OP’s husband wanted to live a single man’s life, he should have stayed single.
anon
Oh hell no. I am a runner myself, but there is a time and place for intense training, and IMHO, when you have little kids at home is not the time to do it. Let him get through this marathon because he’s in deep now, and then have a conversation about what his hobby is doing to your marriage and family life.
Anon
+1. He is taking advantage of your time and gaslighting you that he’s not.
Anon
I agree. Hopefully the marathon is coming up soon but he shouldn’t sign up for any other races/events. He needs to be a good partner and father first. I think getting another car would be helpful but I would also be resentful of him because that’s incredibly expensive, not to mention insurance, maintenance and gas prices.
PLB
This. I was in a similar situation. I quickly resented H for going off and doing whatever with his time without discussing and coordinating it with me and without my buy-in knowing I would pick up the slack in terms of the kids and the home. Meanwhile I had to schedule my kid-free time by running it past him first.
Also, completely agree that you don’t need to have a hobby for him to support you having alone time. Do not fall for that. Your time is worth as much as his!
Anonymous
In reading this, my takeaway was not that you want him to do his hobby less but that you want time to do fun things. Your “hobby” doesn’t have to be marathon training. I am not really a “hobby” person. In my free time I like spending time with friends, my parents, taking our dog on long walks, reading uninterrupted, etc. Instead of asking him to cutback, or trying to figure out a new hobby that is “equal” to his in some way, I think you should work with him on finding free time for you to do whatever it is that you already like to do.
I will also say that my parents ARE hobby people. When I was growing, my dad did his hobby on Saturday morning and my mom did her hobby on Sunday evenings. So Saturday’s were “mom mornings” and we would make breakfast together, take a walk to a local park, ride bikes, etc. Sunday’s were “dad night” and he would take us to my grandparent’s house and we would have grilled cheese for dinner and play games. I really treasure those memories and it was nice to have alone time with each parent.
Anon
Yeah I agree with this. I would say the deal is that you get every Sunday morning off to do whatever you want – brunch with friends, take a long walk, or he gets the kids out of the house so you can sleep in and putter. You don’t need to have an intense hobby to “deserve” free time.
I also hate being stuck at home without a car so I’d say at least twice a month he needs to make a different plan like ZipCar or getting a ride.
Anon
i read that book ‘how to not hate your husband after kids’ while pregnant and i think the author in that book had a similar issue with her husband and a hobby that i think was bike riding. first you need to think about what would meet your needs – would it be him to stop this hobby completely? spend less time on it? for you to get an equal amount of time to yourself to do whatever you want? for once he is home, to at least act less exhausted? before you can figure out how to address this you need to figure out what you want. also- where do you live? in a place where you can get around without a car? are you actually stuck at home while he is out on these training runs? how do your kids seem with the current schedule?
Anon
I’d get a babysitter for Saturday mornings and go do your own things. Your hobby could be brunch with friends, reading in a cafe, whatever you feel like doing. To stereotype for a moment, I think men are really good at doing this via golf, running, biking, whatever. Free yourself of thinking it had to be a hobby and go claim time too.
Anonymous
What would you like to be doing on saturday mornings? Or even for a 4-5 hour window at some point on the weekend? Do you miss time *with him* or do you just not want to sit home doing housework?
I think the advice will differ based on what you say. My husband has a lot of hobbies and while I don’t, I do carve an equal amount of time out of our weekends for me. That might mean he gets all of saturday AM for his hobby, and I get all of sunday morning to putter around the garden center or sit home taking a bath reading.
Anon
Getting an intense hobby of your own isn’t the only way you deserve to have time to yourself! I think part of what’s making you resentful is that you’re doing chores while he’s doing something fun, but (as someone who has the same tendency) you’re *choosing* to do the chores. You get to decide what you do with your free time too, not only him. If you’d rather be going shopping with a friend or getting your nails done or going to a coffee shop to read, you can do that. Whether that means you get a sitter or send the kids to grandmas house or flee the house as soon as he gets back from running club will depend on what makes sense for your circumstances, of course, but I bet you could make it work. Sounds like your husband is supportive of you having free time of your own as well, so instead of resenting him for taking some time for himself, why don’t you try to find a way to carve out some time for yourself too?
No Face
Sounds like you need a babysitter on Saturday mornings. Each parent has free time, then family time in the afternoon. If that doesn’t fit the budget, then a different time block is “yours” (like Sunday afternoons or something) and he watches the kids.
If you know a certain block is free, then you can make plans. Lunch with a friend, new studio fitness place, catch a movie, whatever! It sounds like your husband supports you having a life, so go have one!
Vicky Austin
Is it a Laura Vanderkam technique to break the weekend into 7 chunks? Friday evening, Sat morning/afternoon/evening, Sun morning/afternoon/evening. If he’s getting Saturday morning, you get to have one of the others.
Anonymous
+1
Op it doesn’t matter if your “hobby” is brunch with friends or getting your nails done or wandering around an antique store. Sunday is now mom time or Saturday running needs to go.
Senior Attorney
Yup.
Saguaro
I don’t think this is about getting another car or you getting a hobby. It really isn’t fair that all that falls on you on the weekend when you too work full time. I would suggest letting him finish his training and this upcoming race, and then tell him he has to dial it all back after that. Not stop completely, but for this season of life (however long that lasts) he needs to put this intense training on the back burner. I would think he can still do marathons and even that, while a big commitment, would still be less than he is doing now.
Anon
Figure out what you would do if you had no kids but only had free time during the weekends, and then figure out how to make those things happen. Is it another car? A babysitter? Sunday mornings to yourself and he gets Saturdays? Brainstorm what it would take and see if that would help during the intense days of his training.
But also have a real conversation after this marathon because it really is impacting your family. I just had a baby and got back into running a couple weeks ago and I’m now itching to sign up for a half marathon. My spouse and I could make it work so I could train for one, but I’d give up most other solo activities for those runs and that’s not worth it to me. My compromise is to find a shorter race so I have the structure of training but not the time demands. He may need to figure out his own version of this compromise.
Anonymous
Sounds like he needs to hire a Saturday babysitter with the funds are coming out of his fun money.
PLB
I agree. And also to coordinate the sitter.
Time consuming hobbies
OP here. Thanks for all these really helpful responses! I’ve been having a hard time putting my finger on exactly what bothers me so much about it, and therefore how to fix it. I am really going to reflect on the questions raised. Below are some answers to questions:
– another car is not an option. We live in a big city and have a 1 car garage. I can easily walk places, but we have a brutal winter and I hate the cold so that has been an impediment. Once it gets nicer out, that will help.
– I think one thing that bothers me is I want to spend more time *with* him. We spend all week dividing and conquering and I am looking for more connection and quality time together as a family.
– I’m realizing I’m not a hobby person. So, some of the suggestions above are helpful re not feeling like I have to figure out a hobby but just using the time to do something fun like talking to a friend.
– I realize that the doing chores is a “me” problem. I can’t relax when the house is a mess and I see things “undone” but I probably need to let more go. I just feel like if he wasn’t spending 10-15 hours a week on running he could use that time to help with more chores. He does not expect me to just sit around and do chores while he’s gone, but that has become the default because in my mind, who else is going to do them?
Please keep the responses coming…
Vicky Austin
With this info, I’d say it’s really the trip out to run in the specific location that needs to change. Could he go every other week instead? Then he can schedule a different kind of run/workout on the alternating weekends that can be before everyone else is up.
And I totally, totally hear you on the chores thing. Not sure I have the answer for you there, but just know that I sympathize.
Cat
So, this would require him to run around your neighborhood rather than a big training escape… but what if you and the kids rode bikes while he ran? I do this with DH and while it’s not the fastest cycling, it’s nice fresh air and company.
Anonymous
The chores are a problem. Each of you should be spending the same amount of total time on (work + chores + kid stuff).
Curious
Doing the chores isn’t a you problem. It’s a family problem. I similarly hate going into the weekend with a messy house. I can’t relax. That’s a fair need. Is there a way he can help to get that need met? Housecleaner, doing chores on weeknights? It’s not a problem for you to want a relaxing place to live.
Katrinka
+1 housekeeper always immediately springs to mind when there’s an inequitable division of chores and two working partners. Keeping the house clean is a job, people have it as a profession. If you work a different job, as does your partner, investing ~$100/week in taking that off both of your plates is sensible imo.
Anonymous
He should pay for the house keeper because HE is the one dropping the ball.
Anonymous
“I think one thing that bothers me is I want to spend more time *with* him. We spend all week dividing and conquering and I am looking for more connection and quality time together as a family.” This is the core of it for me. (I commented below @11:55.) Have you shared this with him? I think it would help him reframe and understand why you aren’t happy with the status quo.
Anon
Yeah I agree with this. I would say the deal is that you get every Sunday morning off to do whatever you want – brunch with friends, take a long walk, or he gets the kids out of the house so you can sleep in and putter. You don’t need to have an intense hobby to “deserve” free time.
I also hate being stuck at home without a car so I’d say at least twice a month he needs to make a different plan like ZipCar or getting a ride.
Anon
This is really good self reflection. But I’ll say, if he wasn’t marathon training that doesn’t mean these things would automatically be happening more! They require work and communication.
I’d tell him how you are feeling and work together on coming up with some solutions. Can you add some family rituals to have intentional time together, like Friday or Saturday night family movie or board games and takeout night? Or the first Sunday of every month you try a new playground or museum or whatever is appropriate? Can you schedule in a few dates over next couple months – sometimes can be easier to do breakfast or lunch dates because don’t need to worry about babysitter.
And on the chores and cleaning, probably good if you can let go a little bit also figure out what’s not getting done that is important and how you two can divide it up, or incorporate the kids to help or get a housekeeper.
Basically, it’s not about the running but there are things to work on and that is very normal!
Anon
If you can get past the next month, I would suggest that you alternate weeks. You take the car, do something fun, come home approximately the same time he gets home, and be available in the afternoon about as he is available after his Saturday run. I don’t think it works as a long term strategy and I am not an advocate of scorekeeping, but I think doing this a few times would greatly increase his awareness of what you have been doing.
Anonymous
I am a marathoner with young kids, and I deliberately plan my long runs to start before dawn Saturday mornings so it doesn’t affect my family too much. We have one car as well. DH gets up with the kids and makes them breakfast, but I’m back before the kid sports and activities begin for the day. A lot of runner parents I know, of all genders (but frankly and sadly, more often women), take this tack so it doesn’t affect their family life.
You’re feeling like this huge time commitment of his isn’t equitable for you because you don’t have a similarly consuming / intensive hobby, AND because it directly impacts your care responsibilities all of Saturday morning. This isn’t a problem with *marathon training* per se but with the impacts on you and your family. So I would try and stick it out till after this upcoming marathon, then reassess:
1) is he aware of how you feel on Saturday mornings? Is he willing to train in a different way (like starting earlier) that doesn’t have as big of an impact on you? Can you get another car and/ or a sitter so you get time and/ or mobility to do fun things?
2) What else would feel equitable to you? Can you take some time (sitter, again, or he picks up the slack on Sunday nights or something) to explore what it is YOU want to do as a meaningful hobby?
Anon
My husband has kind of commandeered a large portion of our weekends recently for biking. Both for races and for prepping for races. I have had similar frustration that’s hard to communicate without sounding unsupportive. Previous to kids, I did have a pretty active set of hobbies. Which I’ve significantly scaled back or eliminated because my mental bandwidth does not feel like it’s there. Recently my husband has really pushed for me to schedule a girls weekend away with a friend to help balance out a weekend he had away for biking. Maybe something similar would help? Maybe planning a day or two away to just have some quiet time and not see the tasks not getting done would help? Maybe using that time to help with brainstorming how you’d like to spend your “me time” could be helpful? Also, I’m curious if you’ve read the book “Fair Play” by Eve Rodsky. It sounds like you have a lot of unspoken demand on your end of the household tasks. Maybe her fair play cards could help? She has a term for “me time” called unicorn time. She just released a book about it. Maybe someone in the hive has read that and can comment on if they’ve found it useful?
Anon
My husband and I block out “me” time – can you claim Sundays and take an equivalent time out for yourself to not be in charge of anything? Would that help? It doesn’t matter if you’re not doing anything major. Sometimes I just lay in bed or play with my kids anyways, but he’s still on point.
Anonymous
He should get a ride from one of the people it is so important for him to train with that he needs to go so far away.
His weekend chore intensive time should be Friday evening, so that you don’t start the weekend just looking at mess.
You can use the time me-time and you-time instead of hobby time. That also makes it easier to talk about how you miss us-time.
Anon
My husband and I have separate interests and it has been the point of conflict for us in the past when our kids were little. It was certainly avoidance on his part along with peer pressure (being in a band with band mates who didn’t have families). The answer isn’t zero hobbies for your husband, but real communication about priorities. My husband went to band practice one weeknight, but had to be at home at a reasonable time because we both worked full time and he had an early commute, and couldn’t stay till 2 am getting high with the band mates on a random Wednesday night. He had gigs most weekends, either Friday or Saturday night and because we had kids, I could rarely go to them.
One thing I would tell you not to do is spend your Saturday mornings doing chores. That’s increasing your resentment. Take the kids to the park or just hang out in your PJs with them. Don’t let dad off the hook from both parenting and helping around the house just because of his hobby.
When my husband had a gig I couldn’t attend, the kids and I would make a night of it with pizza delivery and a movie and a blanket fort. I did not spend those nights being an unpaid housekeeper for my wannabe rockstar husband.
We had a couple of make or break moments. One was during a period of time that my husband got so into the band, he’d wolf down the dinner I made (he does a lot around the house but doesn’t cook) and then disappear into his music room and practice while I was stuck with all the kid bath/bedtime stuff. Another was when the band got some out of town gigs and traveled. We went with him once and made a weekend of it but the guy who led the band wanted to make it a guy’s trip so the next time they traveled, he said “no wives, no kids” (my husband was the only one with a wife and kids) and my husband finally got disgusted and quit the band. The bands he’s been in since then (he’s in 3 right now, but our kids are grown) have been much mellower and less time consuming.
Basically, stop doing stuff you resent. Hold your husband accountable. Get another car or make him hitch a ride. He’s not treating you and your family well. You don’t have to just take it.
Anon
Random military question. I keep reading how many Russian generals (and colonels) have died fighting in Ukraine. Is that usual? I remember Douglas MacArthur’s returning (after the “I shall return” bit in the Philippines), but do generals generally go into actual combat? I thought they had lower commissioned officers and NCOs for that. It seems like a really bad sign for Russia (strategy or how many capable people they have), but I am not military, just a person who took too many history classes as an undergrad and lives near a couple of historic battlefields in the US. OTOH, Kim Jung Un is something like a 4-star general and that doesn’t pass the laugh test, so YMMV in a more totalitarian regime I guess.
Anon
No. CNN had an article explaining that the high ranking officers are up front to 1) make sure commands are executed (like, ya know, go kill that grandmother) and 2) to help flagging morale.
In the US, our officers that high are thinking strategically and making decisions about the battlefield at large. In Russia, they’re really not allowed to think strategically – they’re following commands direct from Putin.
Anon
My friends who went to West Point and the Naval Academy seemed to be expect to execute orders from up the chain and delegate down as far as possible. I am guessing you have to send in the generals when you can’t trust people to actually follow orders? Or maybe some positions are patronage ones, so technically an officer but not really good for anything but putting on the fancy uniform and parading around?
Anon
Yep. What the US military entrusts 22 year old officers with is pretty eye-opening. (I’m the anon at 10:22) When I was 22, I was responsible for 17 people and $2M worth of equipment and our mission was to be anywhere in the world within 72 hours. Our army and theirs are very, very different.
Remember, too, that the Russian army still has the draft AND they’re poorly paid AND right now, they’re poorly fed. One of the first things the US teaches its army officers is to never outrun your supply lines – Valley Forge, Napoleon in Russia – these are famous case studies that are taught to every baby officer because they’re fundamental. Russia musta skipped class that day 😉
Anon
My life goal is to become as basically competent as a 18YO navy corpsman (or woman).
Anon
Ha! I wish more people served in the military. It’s so good for learning character and life skills.
Anon
I have never been in the military (my lazy college self could not be bothered with getting up for PT), but having kids in scouting with monthly campouts has (I feel, perhaps wrongly) taught me a ton just about basic quartermaster thinking, food and water safety, how not to pollute your water when you don’t have actual bathrooms, etc. And basic first aid.
My pack is <25 pounds. IDK how the military manages with their much heavier gear, except they are generally younger and stronger than I am (and generally men).
anonshmanon
In this particular case, when you command the army to commit atrocities against a nation of their own kin (similar culture, closely related language), I don’t see how you would be able to trust your troops to carry that out.
Anon
I think this is it: they can’t really trust people to follow orders without close supervision. I’ve seen the claim that there are a lot of conscripts. I’m not sure if that’s true, but some of the soldiers certainly seem to be very, very young. And there are at least stories about demoralization and soldiers brought in on false pretexts.
Anonymous
Your last sentence – so true. I think a lot of people in the US don’t realize that in other countries (my own experience is my male cousins and friends being drafted in an Asian country, not Russia) there is a not a lot of individual thinking and command allowed at the lower levels. It’s demoralizing especially like situations in this current war, whereas I’ve heard in the US there is more autonomy in decision-making in combat situations.
Just to be clear, I’m not pro-Russia. But I do feel bad for the boys who were conscripted and sent to the frontlines under false pretenses. This is all just going to end badly for the Russian military.
Anon
I am pro-Ukraine, but not unsympathetic to a starving and cold conscript who has been lied to and send to kill people who in my lifetime were his countrymen. Ordinary Russians deserve better than the oppressive kleptocracy that rules them (I have never seen such yachts as I have since all this started).
KS IT Chick
Find “I have come to take my boy home”, a song written about the misuse of soldiers in the Russian army during the invasion and subdual of Chechnya. Virtual children, starving, and dying, left in the mud where they lay. Women decided that they weren’t going to allow their sons to used in that way, so they drove from the cities to find the children and take them home.
Aunt Jamesina
I read something in the NYT the other day that it isn’t normal to send generals to the front lines, but they think it was a strategy to improve the morale of Russian troops.
Anon
So when their generals are getting killed . . . what does that do?
Aunt Jamesina
Well when you put your advisors under house arrest because they didn’t give you accurate intel after you’ve surrounded yourself with yes men for years, your strategies probably aren’t going to work so well!
Anon
Russia doesn’t have an NCO corps like the US military does. In terms of actual decision-making ability, these generals have about the same authority as a US LtCol or so. Their junior officers are functionally US Corporals and Sergeants, trying to herd cats with a bunch of conscripts (draftees) who don’t want to be there.
Here’s hoping the Ukrainians can hold out and send them all packing.
Very Anon for this
A few folks here have mentioned their divorces. When did you realize that this was the right option? I love DH but I’m so tired of trying to make this work and I dream of just being alone and not constantly feeling like I’m not good enough.
Anonymous
If you have done therapy and are at this point, sounds like now.
Rani Ani
When I felt it deep in my body. When I no longer literally crumpled/made myself smaller at the thought of staying with him.
Anon
For me, it was confronting this question from a friend: “If it never gets any better than this, do you want to stay in this relationship forever?” When I heard the question, I got a panicked feeling. Granted, I was young, no kids, no assets to speak of – the separation was relatively easy. If there were kids and our lives were more intertwined, I might have spent more time trying to make it work, but at that point most of the trying had been on my end anyway, and I was tired of feeling like the only one making the effort.
Good decision. Single for 5 years afterwards, now happily remarried and with two kids. Could not have had this happy a life with my first spouse.
Emma
So in my case, there was an excruciatingly slow phase of saying maybe we should separate and then giving it another try. And then one day I found out he has lied about something- something relatively innocuous in the greater scheme of things but that was part of a general pattern of deception that we had been to couples therapy for, he promised he had changed, etc etc. And I just snapped. At that moment I decided even if I was alone for the rest of my life, it would be better than this. We had married young and I was terrified and thought I wouldn’t be able to exist without him, but after that moment I never waivered for a second, I was just so.done. We didn’t have kids so I can’t speak to that. But once my decision was made I felt grief but also overwhelming relief. I really loved being single and free. I spent more time at work, making new friends, investing in new hobbies. I had fun flings. And eventually I met someone amazing and now we are getting married and expecting a baby. I never regretted my divorce for a second and should have left sooner.
Anon4This
I feel this way from time to time (usually tied around DH’s depressive episodes), but also have complications re kids, shared assets, etc. A divorced/re-married friend once told me one’s reasons for staying/being in a long term partnership (logistical, emotional, and practical) should always be greater than separating, even if the reason is “I don’t want to go through all the paperwork.” But, I’m also someone who is comfortable with finding happiness elsewhere when needed (kids, friends, work, self-care etc.), and being “happy enough” in marriage, which I know is not for everyone.
Anon
I had a friend tell me that she knew it was time to divorce when she felt like she had done everything she could to make it work and felt like she could start over now, but have a much harder time in 10 years. Do you think anything will realistically change in 1, 5, or 10 years? If not, hit the eject button.
Anon-na-nah
We had been separated for three or four months. I was in therapy to decide what I wanted to do. My therapist at the time said that I could wait and remain separated until I had clarity but suggested I be willing to have a “soft landing spot” for my ex if we ever attempted reconciling. I knew I couldn’t give that and wasn’t interested in giving that if I could, ever. That’s when I knew I was done.
Senior Attorney
I had gotten to the brink twice and had walked it back because we’d been married for more than ten years and I’d been divorced once before and another divorce seemed unthinkable, and I couldn’t imagine busting up the comfortable financial setup we had built, and the house we were living in started out as mine and I couldn’t figure out how I could ever get him to leave (spoiler alert: he never did and oh well). But both times it was initially a relief to reconcile, but a year later I found myself thinking “If I’d stuck to my guns I’d be well into my new life now.” And as somebody upthread noted, there was still a window to make a fresh start but I could see it closing.
But bottom line, I feel like if you’re tired of trying to make it work and you dream of being alone and you constantly feel like you’re not good enough — it’s time. It’s past time.
Hugs, OP. It’s hard and sad but life on the other side is SO MUCH BETTER.
AnonAnon
When I had the chance to leave work early and didn’t because it was better to be at work than at home. Also, not taking the opportunity to leave work early and do something fun before heading home because I knew he would be mad about that.
BTW, I’m still in the marriage. I know it’s time, way past time, but still haven’t been able to actually do it. Don’t be me.
Anon
You’re close. I once asked the (individual) marriage therapist I sought out when I was feeling what you’re feeling “how do people know it’s time to leave a marriage?” She said, “most people wait too long, until it’s so obvious that they should have done it a long time ago.”
Sounds like you’re almost there. I really recommend individual marriage therapy, not couple’s, when you’re trying to make your own decision about this.
Work Backpack
Yesterday’s post inspired me. I’ve been thinking about getting a chic work backpack for a while, since it would be better for my back, and in two months I’m moving to an area where I will walk about 10-15 minutes to the metro and take the metro into work (in office 2-3 days a week), so I’m planning to finally pull the trigger and get a work backpack in the next few weeks. I’ve narrowed it down to 3 styles. I would be using it to carry my laptop, lunch, notebook, folder of papers, wallet, water bottle and a small makeup/toiletry bag. If anyone has any of these backpacks and uses them for work, do you like them? Anything that really bothers you about any of them? The styles are:
Cuyana Leather Backpack (the larger size of the one that was featured yesterday)
Kaya Laptop Backpack
Senreve Maestra Bag
Anon
I would look at the respective weights and choose the lightest one.
pugsnbourbon
I carry a backpack that’s much less chic, and the most important feature for me is the padding at the back and on the straps. I don’t know how heavy your laptop and water bottle are, but I would worry about the straps digging into my shoulders. They all look lovely, though.
Anon
I’ve heard great things about the Maestra and that it’s really practical and organized well (it’s the only one I’ve seen “in the wild” from your list). The Cuyana is really pretty and my favorite of the bunch aesthetically. The Kaya has a luggage strap, which is pretty important if you travel a lot, but otherwise I dont think it looks as nice as the other two.
Anon
How do you disconnect after work if you are in a high-responsibility role? I don’t sleep well, I wake up in the middle of the night amd toss and turn for a couple of hours thinking of work problems and how to solve them – they just turn up in my head and won’t go. It’s not anxiety per se because its not about tomorrow – its about stuff from the day, and I sleep better on Saturday night and like a baby Sunday night, then Monday it starts again. I work 50-ish (intense, no break no lunch nothing except bathroom breaks) hours a week lately so may be it is just too much to do and decide and solve in my day… But that’s not letting off soon. How do you disconnect your brain from work at the end of the day?
Anon
For me, it’s perspective not lifestyle tricks. I’ve trained myself to not invest my own mental energy into the work issues. Hard to explain but I have a hard mental line between “this is my job and I solve problems there” and “this is my life, and I don’t bring work into it.” I have a very big job and it could be very high stress, but I actively choose not to let it be. It’s a lot of “self, this is not actually your problem, it’s the company’s problem, if you got hit by a bus, it would still get resolved” kind of thing. It works 90% of the time. When it’s unavoidable, NyQuil zzz works wonders.
Anonymous
Brilliant: “It’s not my problem, it’s the company’s problem” Thank you for the much need perspective adjustment.
Anonymous
Really, really love this. Thank you!!
anon
Ruminating about the day IS anxiety!
A few things that have helped:
– Journaling, writing stuff down long before bedtime so your brain gets a chance to process the day
– Letting go of a lot. Not every problem is solveable. There have been times when I’ve literally had to tell myself, “Thanks for the reminder, brain, but you’re off the clock right now and your job is to sleep, not think about this stuff.”
Anonymous
For me, it’s exercise and writing down notes on what I am worried about for the next day, once it’s on paper I can sleep.
Anon
Running has helped me so much especially during the pandemic. Try working out before work. Running and yoga have been great for me! Also seeing friends after work now that it’s getting warmer here.
Anonymous Grouch
For a quick fix in that moment, I take a couple of LTheanine capsules. Calms the brain back down so I can go back to sleep. Long term I’ve found that writing out a brain dump of bullet points on a stressful situation allows me to assure myself I won’t forget any of my points so I can stop ruminating on it.
Anonymous
Have you considered an edible?
Anon
For me, intense days like that with no breaks would mean no time to think and process, and I need that time, desperately. When I have periods like this, going for a walk with no headphones, or doing nothing on my commute and just staring out the bus window, helps. Just gives my brain some time to process all this stuff that’s rumbling around in there. I resisted this suggestion from my therapist for months, because it sounds silly, but getting off the bus two stops early and walking for 15 minutes actually helps. When I’m able to do it in both directions, even better. Several of the top people in my org walk to work (~40+ minutes each way) and I’m convinced that this is why — time to think.
Anonymous
That’s definitely anxiety. I went on Lexapro and started exercising and that really made a huge difference.
Anonymous
If you were going to Barcelona in late May and had 5 extra days to spend before and/or after vaguely in the area, where would you go? I have never been to Portugal so that is high on my list…other cities in Spain would be welcome, too. I love food, culture, cities, beautiful scenery, and am really looking forward to traveling for the first time since pre-Covid.
Anon
I love Portugal and always recommend it, but I think, especially if it’s been on your list, you’ll want more than 5 days there. What about Grenada or Madrid?
Anonymous
If staying in Spain, either Madrid or Granada. If going to Portugal, I believe there was a recent-ish comment thread about Lisbon and Porto
Cat
Take the train over to Provence?
emeralds
If you’re open to something a little more off the beaten path for US travelers, try the Basque Country! Spend a day or two in Bilbao, check out the Guggenheim, then head to San Sebastian. It’s gorgeous and they have the BEST food scene. You could also stop in La Rioja along the way if you like wine.
Anokha
+1 for this proposed itinerary. I spent 2 days in Bilbao and 3 in San Sebastian, and they were among my favorite parts of my Spain trip.
Cb
My work pal lives in Barcelona and spent the last week in rural Catalonia (which he described as the Catalan highlands and it looked gorgeous). I think after a busy city trip, hiking or country time would be fun.
I loved Madrid as well
Thistle whistle
If you want to see a bit more od Spain then tale the high speed train to Madrid and either stay there or take the connection to Cordoba. Both are lovely, with Madrid being a cosmopolitan European city and Cordoba being a historical gem. Madrid really needs about 4 nights, Cordoba you could do in 2 or 3.
I’ve done the AVE from Madrid to Cordoba and loved it as you saw so much of the country and got to see the real differences between the regions.
If you want to stay local to Barcelona then hop on the local train to Girona for a couple of days, it’s lovely and quaint town with great history and food. A local train in the other direction is Sitges which is another town that a lot of people love for a few days R&R and its on the beach too.
Curious
I also loved Tossa del Mar, which is close to Barcelona. Old beautiful beach town. Can’t speak to a 5 day stay there, as I was only there for one, but it was lovely.
Anon
Travel around Spain is so easy! The trains are amazing, so if you want to spend 5 days elsewhere, I’d do Madrid, Valencia, or San Sebastian. But I’ve also rented a car and driven north of Barcelona for a few days, which was great. Girona is an interested day or two, and there are a ton of cute hilltop/beach towns (we liked Begur and Platja Fonda, but anything along the coast is beautiful.) Driving was easy, except for a couple of tight turns driving down to the beaches.
Katrinka
Paris is a 6 hour train ride away, but to me 5 days is enough time for another “big” destination, not just hopping to nearby tourist spots for the sake of them being close to Barcelona, so that’s where I’d head. YMMV if you feel like you’ve already “done” Paris.
Lise
I combined Barcelona with bumming around Provence, and it was a wonderful trip. I think I spent two nights in Bonnieux and two in Aix.
Anonymous
With 5 days, I suggest picking another place with lots of things to do – definitely recommend Madrid – it’s an easy train ride from Barcelona. While I thought there were wonderful things to see in Barcelona, I actually enjoyed Madrid as a city much more. We also did a quick 2 days in Seville and adored it, but I wouldn’t spend 5 days there.
Madrilian
San Sebastian, Granada and Salamanca are my favorite cities in Spain but being May I would not go to the Basque country, you will have rain and more rain. Is it your first trip to Spain? Take the high speed train to Madrid, AVE, (a couple of hours form Barcelona) and spend there 3 days with or 2 day trips to Toledo and Segovia or go 2 nights to Cordoba or Granada (Cordoba is closer, another couple of hours in the AVE).
In May 2022 you could see in Cordoba “Fiesta de los patios” one of the most charming events in the country. https://ich.unesco.org/en/RL/fiesta-of-the-patios-in-cordova-00846
NYCer
Mallorca without a question. Vueling has tons of flights from BCN (about 1 hour).
Anon
Does anyone have an elimination diet meal plan they can recommend? All I find is lists of foods to cut out, but I need help putting together menus of what I can eat. Something is really bothering my stomach, and I thought it was dairy but cutting out dairy hasn’t fully solved the issues. I prefer to avoid meat, or at least not eat it daily, but it doesn’t have to be strictly vegetarian. It might totally just be stress, but for a variety of external factors outside my control, I can’t reduce stress right now significantly.
Related — is there such a thing as someone who will plan menus for me? 3 people in the household, each of whom has a variety of preferences and limitations, and we’re exhausted trying to figure out dinner every week, and bored of constantly repeating the same recipes.
Vicky Austin
Lots of food blogs do a thing where they sell “meal plans” complete with grocery lists. Budget Bytes is one, Pinch of Yum might be another. I’d browse their offerings and see if any will work, and if not, maybe they’d be willing to create a custom one for you.
Vicky Austin
https://shop.budgetbytes.com/collections/all
Anonymous
https://shop.budgetbytes.com/collections/all
OP
OP here — that was my first thought too. I saw my GP who told me to “reduce stress”, which was not helpful. I’m trying to figure out another doctor to go to but in the meanwhile want to try an elimination diet (and food diary) to see if that helps, and to have some data points to discuss with the next doctor.
Anon
As someone with a chronic illness that’s affected by stress, I agree that it’s not at all helpful when doctors say this and it often feels like they’re not taking you seriously. However, it’s also true that pretty much any condition that involves pain or the GI system will be at least somewhat affected by stress and just because you can’t get rid of stress doesn’t mean you can’t manage it better and that can lead to real improvements in your condition, which will in turn decrease stress. So definitely work on an elimination diet and on other physical causes (just because stress makes it worse doesn’t mean that’s the only cause- there very well might be something that needs attention or can be easily fixed), but you might be surprised by how much things like sleep and exercise and other relaxation techniques can help while you’re going through that process, even just in small amounts. Like other people have said, the low FODMAP diet is the one I’ve most often heard people having good results from. America’s Test Kitchen has a book with low FODMAP recipes that look pretty good.
Anon
A dietitian will help you develop a meal plan exactly like this. Might be worth consulting one.
London (formerly NY) CPA
I did the low FODMAP elimination diet, and it helped me to identify some triggers.
The best resources for me were Facebook groups which have loads of recipe recommendations in them. I specifically liked the groups “Low FODMAP Recipes & Support”, “Low Fodmap USA”, and “Low FODMAP for Foodies”.
I never saw a dietician for it because they’d really have to be super specialized in that particular diet to do more than offer me a list of foods I should cut out. I found I was better just doing extensive research on my own.
Also the FODMAP app from Monash University (who pioneered the diet) was a key resource.
Agurk
Try the Nerva hypnotherapy app. It has been clinically shown to be as effective as at least a low FODMAP diet for IBS. I have done every elimination diet under the sun and this is what finally helped. It was developed by researchers at Monash University, where a lot of the leading IBS research is done
Anon
Anti-depressants can cause lactose intolerance. Also, long-term alcohol use can slowly destroy your digestive tract. Doesn’t have to be “getting blind drunk” every night. Just regular, steady drinking. I realised I was going the way of my severely alcoholic ex with his inability to keep things moving properly (bathroom problems), and I cut out alcohol completely. It took months for my digestion to recover and grow back. Now I can do one or two drinks a week once or twice a month with no side effects.
Anonymous
I did a Whole 30 and it really helped me identify my reactions to specific foods. The key is that you have to be really careful about reintroducing foods to figure out what your triggers are. I also really liked the support resources around the Whole 30.
Anon
Jewelry question — my MIL very generously wants to give me her engagement ring. She had it remade as a 3 stone ring some decades ago, but the person who did the setting didn’t do a good job and it broke. So she wants me to have the stones essentially to do whatever I want with. She’s in ailing health and I think it would make her very happy if I actually did something with them and wore it regularly while she’s still here and can see me enjoying them. I already have a diamond engagement ring that I love and diamond studs (that I don’t wear often). The middle stone is a bit under a carat, and the side stones are around a half carat each.
Does anyone have any design ideas of what I can do with the diamonds? A pendant? A right hand ring?
Cat
Stones of that size could look nice in a “diamonds by the yard” style (bezel-set) necklace.
pugsnbourbon
I looked into some places that will make new jewelry out of heirloom pieces. Check out Spur Jewelry – there are others out there too but I can’t find where I saved them.
Seattle Freeze
Oh, wow – the projects in Spur Jewelry’s project journal are so beautiful!
Aunt Jamesina
Earrings with the side stones (I’m presuming they match) and a pendant with the center stone?
Anon
I would do a three stone ring set low (bezel or channel style i think?) in a men’s wedding band. Not a raised setting. It makes a beautiful right hand ring. I will see if I can find an example. I have a men’s band with random pavé stones and it is my most comfortable and wearable everyday ring.
Anon
https://www.gemvara.com/jewelry/mens-triple-twist-ring/round-diamond-14k-yellow-gold-ring-with-diamond/yb46
The trinity on this same site is more what I was thinking of, but the triple twist is so pretty I had to send that one!
Anon
I’m in m0d with the link but gemvara shows a men’s triple twist style that is gorgeous.
Men’s rings are so, so much more wearable than women’s. They’re never in the way, they never snag, and they’re never uncomfortable. I highly recommend you go to your local bench jeweler and try a few on to see what feels and looks good, then they can work on setting the stones into the ring you like.
Coach Laura
I agree on a three stone right hand ring, low bezel-set. Look at Cross Jewelers out of Maine in their three-stone collection. I especially like the Schooner or the Fair Winds and Following Seas.
Coach Laura
https://crossjewelers.com/products/?product_category=engagement-rings&engagement_style=three_stone
anonypotamus
If you are already happy with your earrings and necklace, I think it could be really cool to do a custom right hand ring. I love the cuff/split designs like Vrai’s “mixed cuff” ring. I wonder if you could do a 3-stone version with the two smaller one on side and the center stone on the other? Some links to follow.
anonypotamus
Vrai: https://www.vrai.com/jewelry/rings/mixed-cuff-ring?metal=yellow-gold&diamondType=oval%252Btrillion&ringSize=6.5&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=G_Shopping_US_NB_Jewelry_Capture-All_Thrive&utm_content=Capture-All_NB&utm_term=&utm_creative=397948284616&gclid=Cj0KCQjw29CRBhCUARIsAOboZbLLY79ss4eqkSNkJUFJaCgdfFCJ5CwczaO_VGA9467GBdgYNgYYrFcaAiRZEALw_wcB
3 stone: https://bellacouture.com/new-bella-couture-fine-3-stone-halo-diamond-14k-white-gold-eternity-ring-band-3-8-ct-tw/
TTC
Curious if anyone else on this board has PCOS? My partner and I are preparing to TTC, and I’ve accepted the fact that we likely won’t be able to conceive naturally (planning on starting with IUI). But would be interested in hearing from anyone else who has gone through this – what was your experience? Any lifestyle changes you made that you think helped?
Anonymous
Yup, did two IUI cycles then IVF. Recommend talking to either your RE or regular women’s health professional (in my case, NP at my ob/gyn office) to get Metformin prescription. It regulated my periods (big issue in fertility re timing) and even helped me manage my weight.
Anon
Sending love, this is hard.
Anon
Yes. I certainly wasn’t advised to start with IUI though! I was told Clomid would be the first thing to try for fertility.
I had to make massive lifestyle changes personally; I was advised to limit carbohydrates in every meal. But my PCOS was insulin resistant; I’m not sure that PCOS always involves insulin resistance.
OP
I’m fortunate to work for a company that recently added fertility insurance! With this plan, the cost of timed intercourse using Clomid or Letrozole vs just going straight to IUI is the same, so my doctor recommended just doing IUI. I am still trying to figure out the insulin resistance part – I have lean PCOS and my A1c is normal, but apparently there can still be some level of insulin resistance that is not picked up on that test….
Cyster
Me! I conceived naturally and very quickly the first time around and with clomid the second time. I tried various supplements second time around but never saw any results. I’ve been on Metformin continuously for a long time and continued taking it through both pregnancies.
Anne-on
I think it depends on your type of PCOS, mine isn’t insulin resistant. I went off of the pill for about 18 months to let my cycle settle and figure out when I ovulate. I have a naturally longer cycle, but I’m very regular. Once I figured out my cycle length and fertile times we used fertility test strips and got pregnant in our 2nd month of trying. Highly recommend reading ‘taking charge of your fertility’. If I’d been working off the 28-day standard cycle advice we would have had issues.
Anonymous
I love the look of the LK Bennett Avalon Dress…except for the pleats under the bust. Anyone have a dupe for me? I could do a different color (prefer not black, navy or white).
Anonymous
Try BOSS or Ralph Lauren, they regularly have pleated skirt dresses.
The Beagle Has Landed
Ah, this top and all the ruffles. Looking forward to this phase ending.
Anon
What’s a good beach tote for sand/water resistance and lots of space to shove things inside?
Curious
Land’s End!
Katrinka
Oh my gosh the BOGG bag!! Or the “Simply Southern” knockoff on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09RN745TC/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_YYKQZTYHZWK70ZZ4N9J2?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
anon
The SS bag is in my local sporting goods store and it’s really tempting. But it’s not particularly lightweight, so be aware of that!
Anon
Yesterday’s Here and Now included a very good segment on the immunocompromised and COVID. I know there are a few of us on here
https://www.wbur.org/hereandnow/2022/03/17/immunocompromised-pandemic-concerns
After listening to this, I messaged my doctor about evu sheld and he called in a “prescription” for me – it will be at an infusion center. I’m just waiting for them to call me to schedule it, which could take 1-2 weeks, but is better than nothing. Apparently supply is not currently a problem.
(I take immunosuppressive medication for an autoimmune disease)
Anon
I’ve been avoiding taking immunosuppressive medication and living with symptoms. Now I wonder if I would be safer to take the meds, suffer less, and qualify for Evushield. Things to discuss w/my doctor I guess!
Curious
Where are you that supply isn’t a problem? Now I want to check back in! Though I also probably will be back to normal ish blood counts in 2 months, so I would not prioritize myself over e.g. the leukemia and bone marrow transplant patients on my floors.
Anon
They’re saying in that article that there aren’t enough doses for all immunocompromised people but the immunocompromised oriole aren’t demanding or aren’t aware, so doses are sitting unused.
I know we all have to do the calculus of whom we are “stepping in front of” but that’s how it was with early vaccines as well, and at the end of the day it ended up being a difference of a month-ish. I’m hoping that if we all demand this therapy, production will ramp up and there will be enough for all of us.
So in other words, do what is best for you.
Coach Laura
Yes, I’m the same way. Lymphoma in remission but still considered immune compromised. I didn’t want to take a dose from someone who needs it more so I didn’t request it at my last oncology appointment in February. But I’ve heard that the doses are going unused. My hubby got EvuSheld because he’s on chemo currently and his counts are rock-bottom and technically I qualify as a spouse of an immune compromised person. I’m thinking about asking at his next appointment on 3/30 at our joint cancer center (and Curious’s cancer center).