Coffee Break: Cuyana Backpack

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1. I own these Bearpaw slippers in the color Linen (link in reply). The tops are getting quite dirty, I assume from doing things like kneeling down and putting the tops of my slippers on the floor. Since they’re a mix of this cable knit material and sheepskin, how would you clean them? I’ve tried wiping with a damp cloth but it doesn’t really make a difference. I feel like the washing machine is a recipe for disaster…

   1. https://www.amazon.com/BEARPAW-Womens-Effie-Slide-Slipper/dp/B01E4TZSIQ?th=1

   2. The Q&A says people have machine washed and air dried (though it takes a few days to fully dry). I’d probably stick them in a mesh bag just in case (to avoid getting fuzzies everywhere) but otherwise give it a try, especially if you’d want to replace them anyway due to the dirt.

   3. Check the Bearpaw site for cleaning instructions.

   4. I would use baby wipes and gently “scrub” at the spots

2. I caught the end of a program on maternal mortality (apparently, bad and very bad among some subgroups of mothers) and did not get the part on what it was that people were actually dying of (blood pressure issues? retained placenta -> infection? mental health issues?). It also seemed that people weren’t dying immediately post-partum or during the same hospital stay, but a bit later. It was really haunting, but it is gnawing at me that I don’t know what exactly has been happening.

   I’m likely going to TTC this year and am in one of the subgroups (Hispanic) with worse (but not the worst) outcomes and coming off of COVID I’m just on alert. And I’m not a medical person, so reading “what to expect” was not remotely helpful on this and I’m not sure where to start with something legit on this issue.

   1. ok depressing… but my first question on hearing stats like this is “is this a maternity-specific issue, or part of the general stats on worse outcomes for certain ethnicities.” Do you have a good relationship with your medical practice to begin with? Recent baseline “well visit” stats so it’s obvious what pregnancy has affected?

   2. Honestly, the statistics aren’t great for a developed nation, but at the same time, the risk is so infinitesimal on a personal basis (especially if you’re an educated woman, even as a member of a subgroup with “poor” stats), I would definitely not forgo TTC for this reason.

      1. Education is not as big a factor as you would think. Black women with PhDs have worse maternal mortality stats in the US than white women with only a high school education.

         1. Why is that? This is concerning.

            1. White doctors don’t take them seriously. There’s a good amount of research on this out of the University of Chicago. Cannot unfortunately remember the PI’s name.

            2. I don’t know what conditions occur that we ought to be more highly aware of. Pregnancy complications? Other conditions worsening? Please someone spell it out — it is like once we were told to feel for lumps, you know what to look out for. Here, I feel very in the dark. It is a bit scary actually.

            3. To Curious’s point, I have also heard it is because in general, doctors don’t listen to some a sub take their concerns seriously and doctors listen to non white women even less. Always speak up for yourself!!

            4. I have some links in mod, but the three main causes of death in the immediate postpartum period are hemorrhage (filling a pad in an hour, clots the size of a plum, or rapidly dropping blood pressure); infection/sepsis (fever); and eclampsia (headache, vision changes). Beyond that period, there is a toll from suicide / mental illness. Your doctor should be able to give you a sheet containing what to look for. If they can’t, I would consider looking elsewhere.

            5. This website has the handout I received:
               https://www.preventaccreta.org/postbirth

               It’s just below the first block of text.

            6. Curious: to me those nine things are a mix of PPD, infection, blood clot, potential massive uncontrolled bleeding, and cardiac issues. Why do people not name WHY these signs are so concerning? A fever in a woman who has just just given birth or big bleeds are no joke.

            7. My handout had explanations at the bottom or on the back for why each of the symptoms was concerning, but in super basic layman’s terms. But yes, my appetite for why exceeded the paper. But then postpartum the really easy list was all we could wrap our brains around, so that was good for that time.

            8. If it is an option to you where you live/with your insurance, you may want to choose an OB-GYN of the same race/ethnicity. It probably should only be one factor in selecting a doctor, but I read some time ago that doctors who look like patients are more likely to listen to and understand those patients. Not sure if that research holds up, but this may be worth your consideration.

         2. What about patient education?

   3. I’ve heard good things about the book Expecting Better.

      But yes, your concerns and frustration are totally valid. This is one reason it makes no sense to pitch abortion and adoption as equivalent options….

   4. I don’t think you’re wrong to be concerned about it. My state has one of the worst maternal mortality rates in the entire US. A friend of a friend (a Black doctor) died a few days after giving birth, and I (a white woman with grad degrees) didn’t die or come close but had some health issues and had a lot of situations where I felt doctors weren’t listening to me or respecting my concerns. As one example, I was induced and my membranes were stripped without my consent during the induction. In addition to being extremely painful (for me, anyway, I know not everything thinks it’s that painful), this procedure leads to more maternal infections. In my case it fortunately didn’t, but it was a glimpse of how easily things can go wrong when doctors don’t respect your bodily autonomy. The lack of respect for women’s bodily autonomy and our terrible maternal mortality stats is one of (admittedly quite a few) reasons I’m not having a second child. I value being here and healthy for my first child more than a hypothetical second baby.

      1. I also had a doctor strip membranes without my consent. It was very painful and cruel. I had, in fact, already said I didn’t want it done to a nurse.

   5. As a Black woman, I completely understand your concern!

      The best thing you can do is find a OBGYN that really respects you as a person, values your thoughts, and listens. Treat your medical appointments like an audition. You should also have someone in your corner to advocate forcefully for you if necessary during and after the labor/delivery, like an attentive spouse or doula or your mom or whoever.

      I switched doctors 6 months into a pregnancy and it was the best decision ever.

      1. I’d really STRONGLY recommend a doula. A big part of it is knowing what to look for and being knowledgeable about the birth process while also having a certain emotional detachment. Unless your spouse is a medical professional and very calm during pressure, you likely want someone more. A lot of the care during labor is done by nurses, not doctors, and shifts change. You want someone who is there the whole time, who can speak the same language as the nurses, and who can advocate for you and tell you what’s normal or not normal.

   6. It is scary for sure. I am a white upper middle class lawyer who gave birth at a very good hospital, and I still felt like the care (and respect!) I was given was extremely lacking when I delivered my child. The best I think you can do is to be as informed as possible, advocate for yourself, and hire a doula. I am expecting my second child now and will have a doula with me this time. If you are worried about outcomes after you get home with baby, I would just say that you have to be vigilant about your own symptoms and proactive about contacting your doctor with concerns. It is appalling to me that we get weekly check ups the month leading up to delivery and then nothing until 6 full weeks after giving birth. I felt like I needed much more medical support in recovery than I did leading up to birth.

      There are major, systemic problems here for sure. I admit I feel rather powerless in that realm.

   7. You’re right to be concerned. A few ideas
      1) read the pregnant chicken scary ‘stuff’ series, and have your partner read and reread them as well. You want the common issues in your brains so you know what to flag when if something bad happens. That ‘oh wait, this headache could be bad’ flag could save you

      2) always ask another question. Even just ‘why?’ Or ‘tell me more’. This is especially important in l+d. The nurses tend to be kind and chatty (but not the intake nurses), the doctors rushed and less kind. If you feel bad in the moment, ask for a second check. BE THE SQUEAKY WHEEL. BE THE SQUEEKY WHEEL.

      I had similar fears, and was sent home in labor, only to come back 2 hours later in late stages unable to walk into the building. This was my fear, but I had been programmed by society to be pleasant and kind so I went home even though I knew I was in labor. DO NOT BE KIND. ASK MORE QUESTIONS. Insist on another check.

      Also, read Serena Williams’ birth story. It’s awful but it helps focus you and your needs. The Medical establishment makes mistakes. Call them out. Protect yourself.

      1. Big echo to having your partner read up as well. Some of the scary stuff (look up hellp syndrome for instance, which iirc is like escalated eclampsia) may mean that you’re not in great enough shape to advocate for yourself, and you’ll want a partner who knows what to be looking out for and how to advocate for you.

   8. Two quick resources that might help for statistics: https://scholar.google.com/scholar_url%3Furl%3Dhttps://sites.google.com/site/globalhealthccrmc/obstetrics/PostPartumPeriod_IntJGynObstr.pdf
      While the article is focused on countries outside of the US, many stats are from the US. According to their analysis, more than than half of maternal mortality occurs postpartum, principally in the week after birth, with hypertension, infection, and hemorrhage as leading causes. My midwives would extend that period to a year postpartum and add post partum mood disorders to the list.

      Also: I googled “university of chicago race maternal mortality” and found the results helpful. While their strongest focus is on Black Non-Hispanic women, since that is the group with the highest maternal mortality and morbidity rate, they have finer-grained data than e.g. the CDC. For example, this report from the city of Chicago (second Google result for that search term) has a breakdown of how being on Medicaid correlates with maternal mortality and morbidity: https://www.chicago.gov/dam/city/depts/cdph/statistics_and_reports/CDPH-002_MaternalMortality_Databook_r4c_DIGITAL.pdf

      I am white, but everything I’ve read supports NoFace’s statement that finding a doctor who takes you seriously and is an advocate is the #1 factor in your safety. I would extend that to your full care team, as your own OB or midwife may not be on call the day of your birth. Best of luck to you.

      1. Sorry, that first link is
         https://sites.google.com/site/globalhealthccrmc/obstetrics/PostPartumPeriod_IntJGynObstr.pdf

   9. It’d be a great idea to talk this through with your gyno- they want you to be a partner in your healthcare.

      Postpartum hemorrhage, eclampsia, infection, and intimate partner violence are the big ones (unfortunately, intimate partner violence now leads to causes of death for pregnant people). So monitoring blood pressure (which should not go up or down by much), blood loss during birth ( a good hospital will count+ weigh the sponges they use), for signs of infection (temperature, discharge, nausea, pain), and for signs of abuse are all essential immediately post birth.

      1. Did not know about intimate partner violence, totally believe it just from reading the What to Expect forums.

         1. Many years ago the receptionist at my law firm was murdered by her husband when she was nine months pregnant. The baby died, too. It was so, so sad.

            1. Oh that is horrible.

   10. Certainly many women of color have a positive and safe birth experience but it is absolute The case that women of color are at substantially higher risk because doctors take their pain and concerns far less seriously (see Serena Williams birth story for example). The interventions that have been shown to be most protective for women of color are having a doula or similar, and having a doctor or midwife or whatever who is themself a person of color. So those are things you can keep in mind when you are choosing a provider.

       1. Serena Williams problems were taken seriously – that’s the point of the Op-Ed, but many women’s concerns are not

          1. Agreed — she knew what was normal and not normal to her, had had a blood clot before, and knew the medicine. For many of us, delivery will be our first hospital experience.

          2. They really didn’t take her seriously though. She has a rare condition and instead of believing her about it, as usual they acted like she thought she was some special snowflake who could be ignored.

   11. There’s an excellent NYTimes long-form piece about this from 2018. You can easily find it online if you search “maternal mortality black women”. It examines how systemic racism adversely impacts the health of specific demographics. The extremely quick summary is that the chronic physiologic stress that racism exerts is magnified during pregnancy. Socioeconomic status and education does not protect against this. Support from a doula can be extremely beneficial.

   12. I know I can be a bit of a broken record but when you’re considering providers, consider CNMs. They have empirically better outcomes with minority patients (if you’re otherwise a fit for the midwife delivery model [i.e. not twins, not over 40 or whatever their age cut off is, etc.]). In general, appointments are an hour with time for any question you have, as opposed to the brisk 10 that you seem to get with MDs.

       1. +1 I loved our midwives. And our doula.

       2. This times one million. The nurse midwives are amazing. Evidence based medicine but they treat you like a human. Contrary to stereotypes they were awesome about epidurals and formula. (The doula who taught our birth class was….kind of a jerk about those things.) Another thing that I didn’t know is that you can (and I do) use them for routine gyno care.

       3. Totally agree that many people have great experiences with midwives – but I did not. The only CNM in my otherwise OB practice happened to be on call when I was in labor. I had the WORST cervical checks, and when she broke my water it hurt so much that I almost shot off the bed. She minimized my pain, and delayed my epidural. A good reminder to find a practitioner that you like – regardless of the letters behind their name.

3. Does anyone have a good recommendation for silk underwear? My old favorite place closed…

4. Everyone this morning saying that ballet flats are dated, does this also mean pointy flats like Rothy’s? Or just the round flats?

   1. On a continuum from TB medallion ballet flats to plain black or brown to Chanel cap toes…
      -the TBs should have been ditched a few years ago
      -wear the plain ones with caution; pairing with skinnies is a bit dated
      -Chanel is never out ;)

      Pointed toe flats (like that would be ballet flats if they had a round toe) – I think still look current peeping out from perfectly-hemmed wide leg pants, or with fuller skirts.

      I’ve swapped to loafers (regular sole, I cannot with the lug sole) or smoking slippers for other looks. (Or cute street sneakers.)

      1. I think uber-classic ballet flats (Chanel or the like) will never be dated, but they absolutely need to be paired with modern cut pants (not skinny jeans).

      2. Agreed, the Chanel cap toes will never be dated. But they will also never be lovely. Those are UGLY shoes!

   2. I begrudgingly wear my plain black Rothys to work to get through the gap between boot season and sandal season, since sneakers wouldn’t go at my office (I also have trendier options like loafer mules). I think they’re meh in the office, but I would never wear them on a weekend.

      I think as far as flats go: most/all flats are out, but pointy toes are the best option. Do not wear any flats with skinny pants (especially skinny jeans) – that’s a very dated look. The more current the rest of your outfit, the better. Keep them for work, don’t wear them in casual or fun settings.

   3. Yes, pointy flats are also dated.

      1. Yeah, snip toes are current, not pointy and I can’t stand Rothy’s at work.

   4. If ballet flats are dated, then nobody told the female business travelers in the airport last week. I didn’t see a single woman in loafers, midi skirts, or wide legged pants despite the conventional wisdom around here. But then again, none of those things are practical when navigating an airport so maybe those items were packed away in suitcases.

      I wore my round toe Rothy’s with straight leg pants and I wasn’t out of style.

      1. Since you said this was business travelers, could it be that you consciously or subconsciously excluded women who were wearing those things even if they were actually business travelers? I also don’t see how any of that is impractical for navigating an airport.

      2. midi skirts maybe aren’t great for airports but loafers and wide legged pants are def practical. We’re not talking JNCO jeans here…

         1. I like midi skirts for travel because I can pull my legs up on the seat under the skirt without flashing the world. Also warmer than knee length options.

      3. Yeah I live and work in NYC and while I see plenty of women dressed in what is listed above as current/fashionable, most of those clearly going to/from work are not. I never loved ballet flats for the office, but I wear pointy Rothys as commuting shoes with dresses in between boot weather and sandal weather. My office is 5 days a week in person and business formal — it’s always been tough figuring out commuting shoes. In the office I mostly wear low, block heel pumps or loafers. I have not found loafers that I like with a suiting dress, but I’m always keeping my eye out.

   5. So, ballet flats have been out for so long they are now back, but in sort of snip toe versions. I would wear them with otherwise current outfits, not skinny jeans.

5. I guess because I live in an urban area, I have never felt pickpocket-safe wearing a backpack, even a fancy one. For those of you who do, do you leave your wallet in it? Or your iphone?

   1. When I carried a backpack I definitely did – but it was not an expensive backpack and I was not a target for pickpockets for sure. I’d also move away if I felt like someone was too close to the pack when it was on my back (versus if it was on my lap or in front of me).

   2. I own this backpack. It gets used when I go from car to doctor appointment or car to meeting at work. It’s not really day to day, although I have gotten a TON of use and has been one of my best purchases. A lot of the time it’s not on my back. If I’m walking in an urban area or shopping or doing any other activity where I’m walking in crowds,I would probably wear a cross body wallet and a separate (zippered ) backpack.

      1. What color do you have? I can’t tell if the stone color is more gray (I like) or more griege (don’t like).

      2. I have the stone color. I’ve always thought of it as sort of a beige. More clay than traditional gray. It’s not very light though. In looking at pantone colors, I’d say it’s pretty close to c3b6a5 maybe a little more gray.

         I am not gentle with it at all and it still looks new after 3 or 4 years. I once got ink on it but it came out by rubbing with a magic eraser. I like that it’s good for when I need a purse but also want to bring a laptop somewhere (like the doc appointments where I know I’ll have a wait and I might need to access past result reports that I have saved on my desktop while also stashing socks and my normal stuff that goes in a purse).

6. Does anybody have any experience with the Golden Visa program in Spain or another European country? My parents are considering retiring abroad, but they don’t really know where to start. They found a company called La Vida doing consulting and real estate sales but I have no idea if it’s legit and I’d hate for them to fall into a scam. Does anybody have a reliable source I can point them to?

   1. La Vida is legit.

   2. You should look for up-to-the-minute information. Multiple countries are pulling or heavily restricting these, due to concerns about how they’ve been abused by Russian oligarchs and similar parties.

   3. You might re-post in the morning and tag Cb. Her parents left the US to retire in Spain, I believe, and she may have ideas.

      1. Portugal! But there are really good expat sites on Facebook. If they are interested in Portugal (which I think has lower financial requirements than Spain), post a burner. My dad met someone in his town the other day who owns a business helping with location.

         They moved this summer, and are super happy. Healthcare is great and significantly cheaper than what they were paying in California.

   4. Engel Voelkers are not lawyers but one of the most reputated luxury real state agents in Spain. Sure they could point you to the right company.
      https://www.engelvoelkers.com/en-es/valencia/blog/what-is-the-golden-visa-and-what-are-the-eligibility-requirements/

7. Speaking of Rothy’s has anyone found an insert that works for narrow heels? Just got the drivers and I’m walking out of them.

   1. Paradoxically, sometimes putting one of those pads under the ball of your foot can stop your feet from sliding forward and make the heels fit better.

8. I ordered a pair of chairs from an artisan, they require very expensive shipping (that I was totally cool with paying, for the pair). However after ordering the artisan refunded me for 1 chair and said he didn’t have a second. I said I’d gladly wait for him to make a second, but he basically told me too bad the one was already shipped. Do I have any recourse here or do I just need to pay the extortionate shipping twice? I very intentionally ordered 2 and I just feel taken advantage of.

   1. Yes I’d fight this tooth and nail. You wanted a pair of chairs. That’s very different than shipping one chair and assuming you’re cool with it. Use your credit card company if you have to.

      Sorry this happened to you.

      1. I absolutely agree. You are totally correct that this is not acceptable. You’re owed a full refund.

   2. Just wanted to say I concur with threatening to stop payment via the credit card if they won’t budge. That is definitely not OK to just send one on what was meant to be used as a set (especially since you were even willing to wait). Who wants one rando chair when they were ordering two? That’s like sending pillow cases even though they ran out of matching sheets. Or sending the shade but not the lamp base. Few people are going to want one chair versus a set–the uses are just much more limited. Totally not OK.

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