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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
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- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Ellen
Kat, I love this scalloped sweater dress from Ann Taylor! And since it is knee length, I do not have to worry about being too revealing in court, so the manageing partner should approve. Morover, since a sweater dress is stretchy (i.e., expandable), I should not have to worry about looking silly in a size 2 if I happen to have a big meal the night before, especially if I have corn beef for dinner! That is why this dress should appeal to all of us in the HIVE who fear that we look very heavy the day after we have a big meal. Great pick, Kat!
Anon
I’m a Chicagoan and I’m so angry about this Jussie Smollett situation. I’ve read every article, but I still don’t understand why the charges were dropped. Feels like we’re all being gaslit. Can anyone explain why things shook out this way? Hoping for more of an insider lawyer perspective— I’m not a lawyer so this just doesn’t make sense to me.
I can understand not wanting to clog the courts and jails with this guy, but now he gets to walk around saying he’s innocent. If he just had to admit guilt and could walk free, that would be a better outcome…
Anon
I don’t understand this either. It erodes respect for the rule of law to be able to just drop the charges like that too (for this or other crimes).
Anonymous
I was wondering if the brothers were unreliable witnesses. As in, they have a history of lying in other situations and therefore his lawyers were arguing that they had a strong case for reasonable doubt?
Anonymous
Were the charges against the brothers dropped? I think that would be the more telling situation. If all charges in the situation were dropped (against Smollet and the brothers), then it feels a little better – but if that’s the case, then that should be the story, therefore making it harder for Smollet to say “innocent” vs “not being charged”.
Anon
I’m kind of in wait-and-see mode. I heard the FBI are investigating, and public pressure on Kim is very intense right now. I’m not sure we’ve heard the end of this story yet.
Anonymous
Trump is now getting involved. . .
Miss
I am a criminal defense attorney, but don’t practice in Chicago, and there are probably many reasons this outcome was reached that outsiders will never know. I think people are upset because they were duped and so the general public feels like victims and want retribution. But without all the publicity, this was a stupid stunt that wasted time and effort. The prosecutors probably weighed the likelihood of success at trial with his history and decided on this outcome.
It’s upsetting to me that the surprisingly lenient sentences get so much more outrage than the extraordinarily harsh sentences that are regularly handed out to nonviolent drug offenders. Where is the national outrage about the corruption in the Chicago police force that sent hundreds of people to prison on false or trumped up charges? These cases waste more time and money than Jussie Smollett’s and are far more damaging to the credibility of the justice system.
CountC
+1,000 to your last paragraph
Senior Attorney
Amen.
Anonymous
I guess we can count on the Varsity Blues defendants just walking too, then.
I could get first-offender-conditional-dismissal (my state has that — you pay any restitution, you pay court fees, and your charges are dismissed if you keep your nose clean for a year), but I can’t believe that this guy is still going on about how this really happened and he was exonerated. He should zip it and be grateful he caught a break.
Anon
Another +1,000 to your last paragraph. Thank you for putting this in perspective for us (me).
Chicagoan
I agree with your last paragraph bit want to say, we ARE outraged. There is so much outrage and nothing changing, this is a different thing though. Outrage at one issue doesn’t take away outrage at another issue. That’s some “what about”ism in my opinion.
Chi Squared
Also in Chicago, and a lawyer (not criminal). The most plausible explanation is that Jussie received special treatment b/c he is a celebrity (of sorts – I had never heard of him before this crime) and has friends in high places. Michelle Obama’s former chief of staff texts Kim Foxx, Foxx pretends to recuse herself, and her right hand deputy decides to drop charges. It’s the Chicago way.
The handling of Smollett’s case is not the only disgrace in the city of Chicago. I, too, would like to see more national outrage over the day-to-day miscarriage of justice in Chicago. People are shot and killed every week on the South Side [with illegal firearms], the solve rate of those homicides is barely in the double digits, and the police can barely do their jobs due to increased paperwork and federal oversight. But there’s no easy solution, so no politician wastes their time to try to find one.
...
+10000000000000000000000000000000000000
anon
Not a lawyer, but a Chicagoan. I think there is a lot that we don’t know. Reading between the lines, my opinion is the prosecution’s case wasn’t as airtight as they needed it to be and the defendant’s lawyers knew exactly where the holes were. What I don’t understand is why the defendant keeps talking and the rationale for sealing the case. Perplexed by all the attention and outpouring over this when there are a host of justice-related issues not receiving proper attention.
Anonymous
Yes, why didn’t his lawyer tell him to quit making public statements?
Anonymous
I’m a Chicagoan too and a (civil) lawyer and I think he essentially bought his freedom via forfeiting his bond- an option not available to non-wealthy folks. I am so disappointed in Kim Foxx.
Anonymous
Are we just going to ignore the fact that these charges should never have been taken to a grand jury in the first place? How many white people make false reports or call the police on innocent POC all of the time and NEVER get indicted. He was indicted, had to forfeit his bond, fired from Empire, and will likely be blackballed in Hollywood (rightly so). Are we also not going to address the racial politics at play for the police to continuously leak information about the case to the media? Even though I agree what he did was horrendous and should face consequences (fine, firing from his show, public shaming), I see no legitimate reason why he needs to be incarcerated for this stupid mistake. I would not be surprised if the CPD tried to make an example out of Jussie Smollett given their pretty poor history with racial profiling and unjustified killings of POC.
Anonymous
IDK. Not a Chicagoan. But the guy just went on and on, and then on again. And today, his lawyer is yammering away. Enough. You lied. You got caught. You doubled down on the lie and kept going.
The UVA gang rape fraternity hoax comes to mind, except that the alleged victims there aren’t continuing to stress that they really were victims (and are rightly being sued civilly).
For the next real victim, they will be run through the ringer. And I bet Jussie Smollett isn’t going to be there with his sympathy.
Chi Squared
I pretty much agree that Smollett probably shouldn’t be/wouldn’t have been incarcerated. But dismissing charges without getting an admission of guilt/culpability and sealing and expunging the records? That smacks of special treatment and strings pulled. Scumbag Smollett and his lawyers are now proclaiming his innocence. It’s just disgusting.
Anonymous
I have loved this saga – no anger here. To the extent he “bought” his freedom, it is through getting a phenomenal attorney — look at Patty Holmes’ background. If I were to wager, as a Chicago attorney in this field, I would put this on CPD mismanaging the investigation and/or allowing a cop with too much baggage to be involved in the case. Unlike your average case that falls apart at trial or gets dismissed, this one was on a huge stage, and any misdeeds by CPD would be dragged out for all to see, and a conviction unlikely on top of it. Jussie might not be innocent, but I imagine the office realized they didn’t have proof beyond a reasonable doubt, particularly not with CPD up against a defense attorney who knows them well, in front of a Cook County jury.
Anonymous
And what annoys me precisely about this is that he is insisting he is a victim, as is his attorney.
Shame on the state attorney’s office for letting him off the hook without an admission from him.
Anon
He’s bent on telling everyone he’s innocent. If there were any other outcome here, it could spark nationwide violence. This incident was too stupid to let it get to that.
Plus, leaving that shadow of doubt that something COULD have happened helps the liberal agenda.
Anon
I need to call off my wedding. I don’t want to get too much into the why right now :(, but I would appreciate practical advice (what is the best way to tell people, etc.) or encouragement that eventually this is going to be “ok” and that people do recover from such a humiliating and heartbreaking thing. Or confirmation that sometimes it IS the right move to sacrifice sunk costs instead of going through with something that isn’t right. We’re about two months out from wedding date.
Thanks!
Lana Del Raygun
I’m sorry, this stinks. But I guarantee you it stinks a lot less than marrying someone you don’t want to marry.
Two months is long enough that you could do printed announcements, especially if you don’t have a lot of people flying in. You just send out cards that say
Mr. and Mrs. David Smith
announce that the marriage between
their daughter Anna Elizabeth
and
James Taylor
will not take place
or whatever matches the format the invitations were in. But if it’s better to let people know faster so that they can cancel flights or whatever, deputize your family and/or attendants to call them. *You do not do this part.* Other people do it for you! Then you return the gifts, with an appreciative note.
I’m sorry, but you are absolutely right. The rest of your life is not worth your cake deposit. And sunk costs are sunk anyway.
Anonymous
It’s really really not necessary or expected to send formal notice cards. Send an email or have family/friends help with making phone calls.
Anonymous
No, it’s not necessary. But it’s harder for people to ask nosy questions – they can’t reply as easily as they can with an email or phone call.
Lana Del Raygun
Yes, and when you use something formal/formulaic then you don’t have to decide what to say yourself, which to me makes things a bit easier. A lot of etiquette is about having a correct thing to do or say in a stressful situation so you don’t have to figure it out yourself and worrying about getting it wrong.
Anon
I like the idea of written notice. It stops any and all confusion from taking place if someone gets forgotten in the telephone chain.
Anonymous
An email is written notice. I don’t see how it stops confusion. Make a list of guests and check off each name once they have been sent an email or they have been called. That process isn’t different because something is mailed. I can’t imagine what a PITA it would be for the bride or family to have to address 100+ envelopes in this situation.
Anonymous
Email/text/phone call first, then you can follow up in writing if you want. I wrote to each person that I didn’t contact personally. “Unfortunately the wedding will not be moving forward, as mom told you the other day. I appreciate your love and support during this difficult time. I hope we can catch up soon.”
Anonymous
I also like the idea of the written notice. It feels official and final. People are used to replying to emails and phone calls invite conversation… I personally would not want to read any replies.
Anonymous
I would not do this. It takes time (and money) to get cards printed. People might make flight or hotel reservations in the time it takes you to get the cards out. Just email/text and have family members make phone calls where necessary.
Anon
I think formal notice cards are not a good idea. People will be booking travel between now and when the notice cards arrive. The gossip chain will reach people while the cards are in the mail. Just let people know quickly and politely.
Anon
These are excellent points. If you have guests spread out all over the country, the cards will inevitably reach some people at least 2-3 days before they reach other people. It seems pretty awkward for your guests to find out the wedding is cancelled from gossip and not from you (or your surrogate) directly. I think you have to do something that can notify everyone at essentially the same time, whether it’s email, text, or making a lot of phone calls in one day.
Anon
Those formal notice cards sound like something out of the 50s.
Anon
This.
Anonymous
So do printed save-the-dates and wedding invitations, but we send those.
Anonymous
And just about every other wedding tradition, for that matter!
Small Firm IP Litigator
Yes. I totally thought this was a joke.
Anonymous
I’m so sorry. Yes, trust your gut and know that this will be cheaper than a divorce in the long run. Have you already sent out invitations? If not, I would just send an email to those closest to you, but you don’t need to explain yourself. If you have, I would mail out a short note with an update. People will understand.
Anonymous
I’m so sorry! I don’t have advice, but just know that calling off the wedding is so much better than going through with it knowing it’s not the right choice. You may not be able to get all of the money back from the wedding, but you’ll save on divorce costs and avoid the prolonged heartache of dragging it out.
anon
+1. No advice, but it will be okay. Better than ok even. If you can, try to reframe this as kudos to you for having the wisdom to know what’s right for you and the courage to act on it even in a difficult and public situation, which is totally true!
For whatever it’s worth, if I heard that a wedding got called off, I wouldn’t think any differently of the people involved. Things happen for all sorts of reasons.
anon a mouse
Oh, I’m so sorry you are going through this.
If it’s not right, then it only will get more expensive to undo.
Also, depending on the circumstances and your vendors, you may be able to recover part of your sunk costs.
Only you know whether it’s the right move, but it sounds like you are pretty sure, and yes, people absolutely recover from this. It feels huge right now but you will be better off in the long run.
Anonymous
I would much rather you cancel a wedding even if I have travel booked vs. be unhappily married and possibly divorced down the road. If people are attending your wedding, they wish you happiness whatever that looks like.
A mass email is a perfectly fine way to deal with this. Text/call anyone who you would want to notify personally before the mass email before you send it.
The only situation where i would be annoyed is if you are moving the date after most people have their travel booked because you changed your mind on the venue for purely personal preference reasons (ie. design/food). Would not be annoyed if date changed because new venue can accommodate more family that you though previously could not attend or you decided that getting married in church vs. a park was important to you etc.
Anonymous
Yes, agreed. One of my friends also went to a wedding that got called off the day of. The couple had been fighting for months and had seriously thought about canceling the wedding several times but didn’t do it – and then at the zero hour couldn’t go through with it, either. Lots of wasted money and lots of unhappy guests. At 2 months out, OP, I imagine you might be able to get at least some of your deposits back? And people who have made travel arrangements can cancel or adjust them.
Big hugs for you, I am sorry this is happening. I would deputize your parent(s), maid of honor and friends to start spreading the word via text and email. If you can go away for a week or so on vacation – that might be a good idea just so you avoid the worst of the “OMG what happened???” emails, texts and calls. Remember, this too shall pass.
Anon
There are several helpful articles at A Practical Wedding – “How to Cancel Your Wedding” has a step by step list, and it’s by someone who did it and will confirm it was absolutely the right choice.
For telling people, I would delegate that to a trusted family member or close friend if at all possible. I think a mass email is probably fine, with follow up calls for any guests who aren’t on the internet that much. But you don’t have to do that personally. Let someone who’s got a bit of distance from the situation deal with it.
emeralds
So sorry you’re going through this. My now-fiance called off a previous wedding, even closer to the actual date. He had his parents handle the communication outside of his immediate circle of friends; they also handled the vendors that they’d been responsible for. He said he couldn’t have managed the wedding logistics on top of dealing with his life falling apart (moving, abrupt job search, emotional collateral damage).
He had a Big Thing vs. a lot of little niggling doubts, which I imagine was easier in some ways and harder in others, but obviously he came through the other side. We’re very happy together and he says that our relationship works in ways that his previous one didn’t, even setting aside the Big Thing. So I don’t have direct experience myself with cancelling a wedding, but personally, I’m SO grateful that he did call it off: he’s my person, I don’t want to imagine my life without him, and we never would have found each other if he’d married his first fiancee.
Sometimes the right decision is hard, but if you know you don’t want to be married, now is the time. Sending you all the good vibes.
pugsnbourbon
+1 to delegating.
You absolutely will recover from this and it’s the right thing to do. I bet you have more people who will root for and support you than you think.
Lavinia
You’re going to be ok. People recover. These things happen – if they didn’t, there wouldn’t be rules in the etiquette books.
Have invitations gone out? If not, they make wedding cancellation postcards so you don’t actually have to tell people in person. If invitations have gone out, ask family members, friends, bridesmaids to start making phone calls. You don’t have to explain anything at this point if you don’t feel comfortable, and if anyone pushes, they’re the one being rude.
Anon
Canceling is cheaper than divorce!
This is the right decision if you are at all considering it. It will get better.
Write out a script. Tell your family using the script, have them contact everyone for you.
If you have a wedding website they usually can message your guests who RSVPed.
If you can’t get costs back consider donating the meals and flowers to another persons wedding or to homeless or to a nursing home. Better than having them go to waste!
Anon
Or a family reunion, even if you and your ex don’t attend. A friend of a friend cancelled a wedding days before after some people had flown in. The two families just held a big party still and college friends still got to see each other, family still got to see each other and the guests of honor just stayed away. Could be awkward, could be awesome.
Either way, cancelling is the way to go, even if it is the morning of, if you realize it is the wrong decision!
TorontoNewbie
No advice but internet hugs from a stranger if you’d like them!
And make sure you have a team “you” right now – can they help? Siblings, parents, best friend, whoever. Let them know you need them. If my sibs ever needed a hand with this I’d be all over it.
If you’re considering it, it’s the right move. And if you’re in Toronto, I’ll buy you a drink.
OP
I’m in Ottawa but wish I was in Toronto! It’s my hometown, but alas I couldn’t resist the pull of federal government work. Waving hello to you, neighbour!
Ottawan
I am in Ottawa (work downtown) if having a drink or coffee with someone you don’t know but can absolutely vent to would help!
AMB
Also in Ottawa and happy to buy you a drink.
Anonny
Also in Ottawa willing to buy you a round!
TorontoNewbie
*wave*
I was in Ottawa for 5 years but got lured by the tall shiny towers.
You got this!
Anon
Another TO-ian!
Good for you for getting out now! Cut your loss and move on.
I think a short scripted email would be enough for people whose email address you have. Phone for others. I wouldn’t sunk anymore cost/effort into written note.
Have a canned reply ready when nosy emails start coming in – Absolutely expect them to come in, this will help you can handle them better. When people ask in email / text / phone – a version of why / what happens / all that nosiness – just say a scripted version of you –
Anon
a version of – Thank you for your love and kindness. IT’s best for both parties involved. I’d rather not go into any more details into it. Thanks again, for reaching out and I appreciate your love and concern.
Anonymous
A friend who had to cancel was able to recoup costs by tranferring vendors to another bride with the same date. The bride just paid a percentage of the deposit cost (like 50-75% depending on how popular the vendor was). Usually vendors don’t care which bride they are providing services to as long as they are getting paid but check to make sure deposits are transferrable before selling to other brides.
Miss
No advice on canceling but you’re doing the right thing. Hugs and encouragement from this internet stranger.
Anon
You need to talk to your fiance, privately, and understand that he’s going to be in a lot of pain. Part of being a decent person is treating someone well during a break-up, and that is even more true when the breakup is a potential marriage.
My husband’s ex-fiancee cancelled their wedding a few weeks before it. He was blindsided and it really crushed him – he didn’t date for a solid four years after that. But he ultimately believes that, while he has huge problems with *how* she did it, it was far preferable to divorce.
OP
Fiance is a she and we have already discussed and agreed.
Thanks to all for the support and advice so far!
Anonymous
I’m sure you meant well by this but please don’t. I’m the person who commented elsewhere about canceling my wedding because of my ex’s violence. I got a lot of well-meaning advice like this and it was… not well received. No, I do not think I owed it to my ex to be nice to him after his violence forced me to end the relationship. I think I owed it to MYSELF to maintain my composure so I could walk away with my head held high and feeling good about the energy I was putting out into the universe. But no I did not owe my abuser one thing.
I’ll just say generally – if you don’t know the circumstances of someone’s breakup then please don’t make “helpful” comments about how they should handle the breakup.
Is it Friday yet?
+1 A friend of mine cancelled her wedding when she found out her then-fiance cheated on her while she was visiting her family in the US for Christmas (she’s an ex-pat living abroad). Some situations do not warrant kindness to a former partner.
LaurenB
Well, Anonymous, obviously the situation is different when you’re cancelling a wedding due to the other person’s violence, versus a situation in which the two people involved are decent people but have just mutually agreed marriage isn’t the right step. The advice is still pertinent for the majority of cancelled-wedding situations where both parties are good people and wish one another well.
Anonymous
Nope. You’re missing my point. When you don’t know why someone is canceling, don’t say things like this. Here, we don’t know why OP is canceling so it’s not helpful, and potentially harmful, to tell her to be kind to her ex.
Anon
I’m the Anon at 9:31.
If your ex is violent, then normal social conventions don’t apply. But sorry, that doesn’t mean that it’s okay to treat normal people poorly. LaurenB is 100% correct here.
The advice is not “well meaning.” It is reality. My husband hurt for a very long time because she dumped him over the phone — because in person was too awkward. I had someone dump me while he was driving me to the train station so that the break-up had a natural ending point and he wouldn’t have to deal with my pain. That stuff is never okay, and if you want to be a condescending snot about it, that’s not my problem.
anon
But it’s not necessary here. Let’s trust OP to know what her situation is. Let’s also trust her to understand the very obvious concept that it will hurt her fiance and that she should act decently to a decent person. She wanted help on logistics. That’s the issue.
Anonymous
Anon at 10:41, you are inappropriately projecting your past experience and the experience of your husband onto the OP. That is not okay. The OP didn’t post here so you could pile your own personal heartbreak and your feelings about your husband’s ex onto her painful situation. No one is being “snotty,” they are trying to point out that your projection in this case is unwarranted and insensitive. The OP didn’t ask for breakup advice, she asked for practical advice on canceling a wedding. If you couldn’t give that and keep your own emotions out of it, you should have stayed out of the conversation. This is a “stay in your lane” situation and you are being called out for not staying in your lane. That’s all.
Anon
Part of how to cancel a wedding is to tell the person that you were going to marry, as kindly as possible.
If an unusual situation prevents this from being the case, move on to the next piece of advice.
If you are upset about this, you all need to examine how you’ve treated people when you’ve ended relationships. I’m proud of how I have ended things when I did the ending, even when the men in question were fairly awful. Life must be hard when you can’t say the same.
Anonymous
I don’t think I was being a condescending snot but I apologize if it came off that way. When I said well-meaning/I’m sure you meant well, I intended to convey that I know the people who said that to me didn’t mean to hurt me, they didn’t imagine that I was reeling from abuse, and if they had known then they would’ve reacted differently. But the thing is, you don’t know what you don’t know. It was really, really hurtful to me that people who didn’t know me well just assumed that my ex and I were parting ways amicably because we changed our mind about getting married. I don’t know how to adequately convey all the emotions that brought up for me. It felt like an erasure of my experience. Like people thought I was flighty? or dramatic? or extra? for standing up for myself. Like they didn’t believe me. Like I’m still responsible for his feelings even thought he hurt me so deeply. Like it was my fault.
I’m sharing this with you because I want you to know that when you say things like this to someone, that is how you might be making them feel.
Anonymous
Anon at 11:41, please stop trying to turn the conversation into something it’s not. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU and it is not about breakups in general. Please, get some therapy. You seem very stuck in some past experiences that were painful for you and are finding it hard to move on, and that seems to be morphing into some pretty impenetrable self-absorption.
anon
Wow, Anon at 11:41, please take your baggage elsewhere. OP already responded to you and told you that she and her ex already discussed this and agreed. You are beating a dead horse and needlessly attacking posters here for being horrible in how we’ve ended relationships (???). Literally no one is advocating against compassion in ending relationships (absent abuse or similar).
Anon
It is you all, not me, beating the dead horse.
Please examine why you feel the need to explode at a random stranger who offered some rather anodyne advice.
NOLA
I’m so sorry this happened to you, but totally agree with others that it is far preferable than going through with it and being unhappily married. I just read a novel where this happened (California Girls) – where the groom didn’t even have the nerve to tell her himself. His brother ended up helping to cancel the wedding. I would strongly suggest going through a checklist of every vendor and contract and what your options are for getting out of it with the least financial liability. It’s early enough that the venue, etc. might have others take your place. Sell the dress on consignment (I could have done this with mine if it hadn’t been stained) or donate it to someone in need. I really like the idea of a script for what you will say to people, and distributing that to family.
You’ll get through this!
Anon
I’m so sorry you’re going through this!! A friend’s ex fiancé canceled the wedding 2 days before the wedding!! It was terrible but not she is married to someone else with two kids. As far as canceling the wedding, call your venue and vendors if you don’t have a wedding planner. As far as friends and family, I’d have someone else reach out to everyone on the guest list. This is where a bridal party comes in handy. Also, this is definitely better than a divorce!
Anon
Ask anyone here who has been through a divorce how hard it is and how long it took them to move on. And then realize that you get to skip some of that by canceling a wedding now. It’s a bandaid that you have to rip off. It’s easier to rip it off now. And if you have doubts, imagine that some of your close friends or family may similarly have doubts about you getting married to this person. It will be ok. You will get through this and you will have many people rally around you to support you.
KS IT Chick
Many years ago, my brother called off his wedding to his then-fiancee about 3 weeks out. He wrote a letter that our mom sent out to everyone that they invited, telling the recipient that the wedding had been canceled, that he was okay, and if they had questions to please ask our mom. Gifts had started to arrive, so my mom took care of having them sent back. His fiancee’s mother took a similar role on her side. As far as cancelling the actual event, anything my brother or our parents contracted for, they were responsible for cancelling. Anything her family took care of, they were responsible for.
No one questioned out mom about it, other than to ask if there was anything my brother could use as he recovered mentally & emotionally from the circumstances that led to the cancellation. He spent a lot of time with our dad that summer, talking about what went wrong, and how could he avoid finding himself in that situation again. He swore off alcohol, because he spent the first few days after the announcement completely wasted with one of his high school friends and discovered that he didn’t like the person he was under the influence. We did have a ritual burning of the dyed satin shoes that I’d bought to wear with the bridesmaid dress, as the whole thing was a color that looked horrible on me. It helped him to know that his family had his back completely, including his little sister who was willing to look like a ghoul when he got married because it mattered.
About a month in the new school semester (I’m 47 and this happened when we were all in college), he met the woman he would eventually marry and have 3 wonderful kids with. I truly believe that had he not taken that summer to heal, he wouldn’t have been ready to meet her. Give yourself time to grieve what was to be and now can’t be.
The people who care about you the most will want to do the very best they can for you. They will support you and help you in any way they can. If you can’t face the prospect of dealing with a specific vendor, delegate. This far out, you may lose partial deposits on things but there isn’t likely to be food or flowers already purchased.
Internet hugs on what you’re going through. If you’re in eastern Kansas, I’m available for a drink and a shoulder.
Anonymous
Keep your eye five years from now as much as possible. I know it’s tough, but the wedding is just an event. The marriage is where focus should be and you’re doing that. That visioning of day in and day out is what will get you through this.
I think you may be surprised to find a lot of support you didn’t even know was there. Anyone who matters only wants your happiness-not just at a party but five years from now.
Anonymous
I posted here a few years ago about canceling my wedding. My ex had a drunken violent temper tantrum toward me in front of my friend. It was 3 months before our wedding. I knew that canceling was the right thing to do but it was still hard. It’s been just over two years and I can confirm that canceling my wedding was one of the best decisions of my life.
As for logistics, I agree with the others to enlist family members to spread the word to your guests. I would advise against talking to people on the phone or in person. Text, email, snail mail. That goes for vendors too. I regret even talking to my wedding planner on the phone – she started to say, “well if you’re the one calling off the wedding then it’s on you to…” and I not-nicely cut her off. I had paid most of the deposits and lost them – only one vendor gave us our deposit back and jerkface kept it. I also told the ex I take 0 responsibility for telling folks. Chances are you’re never going to see these people again, free yourself from the responsibility of managing his relationships (if that’s a thing for you, it was for me).
I would say the hardest thing was dealing with people (shocking, I know). Like 95% of my people were amazing and so, so understanding – I’m now good friends with some people who were just acquaintances before. I think going through something like this really shows a lot about other people’s character. It was a real lesson in maintaining my composure in the face of people being nosy jerks. I got a lot of practice with “What do you mean by that?” and “Why do you say that?” Don’t be afraid to lean on good people when someone’s a jerk – people want to be there for you but aren’t sure how. All the internet hugs to you, you got this, and you will be so much happier when you’re on the other side of this.
cbackson
Adding to the resounding chorus of “disregard sunk costs.” But you know that! You know that it’s better to call off the wedding than to go through with it just because money has been spent. There’s no world in which going through with it is the right thing.
In terms of telling people, I think you want a multi-pronged approach. I do think that getting postcards printed and sending them, weird as it sounds, is helpful in two respects – it makes sure you reach people who may not be frequent email users, and nobody can reply to a postcard to ask you what happened. I would also have someone (NOT you – probably a combination of a family member and your maid of honor or another close friend) send out an email/make calls as necessary. Update your wedding website to reflect this as well. Any finally, consider if it makes sense to put something on Facebook or other social media. The last is less to inform your guests and more to cut off wedding chatter and congrats from people you’re connected with who weren’t close enough to be invited.
To the extent appropriate based on the situation and circumstances, feel free to add something along the lines of, “We/I/OP understand(s) that you may have questions about the circumstances that led me/her/us to this decision, but we request privacy as I/we/she work(s) through this time. I/We/OP appreciate(s) your love and support.”
Anon
Do it as soon as possible. My friend’s daughter was jilted almost at the altar – all the guests had arrived from out of town already, everything was non refundable, and the would-be groom had apparently known for months that he wasn’t going through with it.
Break it off now, pay your share of things, and move on. It’s definitely better not to get married than to get married knowing you shouldn’t!
Hugs to you.
Anonymous
Don’t view it as humiliating, you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. Let others send out the cancellation notice so you don’t need to discuss what happened with everyone.
The original Scarlett
oh I’m sorry you’re going through this but echoing others that it’s much better to do it than go through with the wedding. As for how, I agree with a mass email – quick and you might find you get more support than you knew was there. For it will be okay, two of my close friends cancelled their first weddings and went on to meet and later marry people who they are much better suited for. And on the sunk costs, talk to your vendors – my friends turned floral deposits into monthly flower deliveries, photography into dating headshots, invitations into personalized stationery, etc.
Anon
>> my friends turned floral deposits into monthly flower deliveries, photography into dating headshots, invitations into personalized stationery, etc.
Good idea!
Mrs. Jones
I’m sorry you have to, but go ahead and cancel. I’m sure it will not be the first wedding cancellation for most guests. IME, one sibling and one good friend canceled weddings, and it was def for the best.
FP
My brother got married and then six months later, his wife decided that she didn’t want to be married anymore. All of us wondered why she didn’t just call off the wedding and save everyone the hassle. So – in hindsight, I wished she had called it off! My brother would have been devastated either way but immediately after she left him, he kept remarking on how embarrassed he was that he was getting divorced so soon after his wedding, and how he wished they hadn’t opened gifts, etc. so he could return everything. Good luck! This will be incredibly difficult but the above posters are right: it’s easier to call off a wedding than go through a messy divorce.
Monday
I know of 3 marriages that were almost called off–though I only learned that a few years later, when the couples got divorced. 2 were close friends who told me later that they’d considered canceling their weddings, and the third was my own ex-husband, who admitted he’d had serious doubts about marrying me. All parties involved wished in retrospect that the weddings had been canceled. You are doing the right and brave thing, and it’s a gigantic favor to your future self (and even to your ex, whether or not she deserves it). If I were you, OP, I’d probably copy/paste this thread, or print it out, to re-read on a hard day. You have a lot of support and wisdom here.
Anon
Someone I know from high school had a incredibly lavish wedding, with multiple bridal showers and a destination bach party in Hawaii, followed by what has to have been an insanely expensive honeymoon in Bora Bora. Just a few months after they got home from Bora Bora, he disappeared from her social media completely, all the recently-posted wedding photos were taken down, and on what would have been their first anniversary, she announced her engagement to someone else (the new guy is a senior partner at the firm where she’s an associate and is almost two decades older than her, which is a whole other thing). I know things happen and maybe she discovered something terrible about her ex after the wedding, but from the outside it sure looked like she didn’t want really want to be married to him, but wanted the experience of being a bride and all the gifts, attention and fancy travel that comes with it.
Anon
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I agree with others that it’s better to do this than to get divorced.
A friend called off her wedding just a few days before the event. Most of the guests were local, and she sent us a mass email, which was more than sufficient, since we had no travel arrangements to cancel. I feel like that would be easiest – you let people know, get lots of kind replies, but don’t have to have painful conversations with anyone. I believe most of the out of town guests were family members and were individually called (probably by her mom). The out of town family still came in since they all had flights and hotels booked. I believe they had some kind of family party at the reception venue, sort of like a mini family reunion.
The story has a happy ending – she met and married someone else just a couple years later. Everyone I’ve talked to agree he’s way better suited for her than the first fiance. They have children now and are by all accounts super happy. I wish you so much happiness in your future, whatever that looks like.
Is it Friday yet?
Echoing everyone else that a) this happens more than you think, people will understand and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed about making the right choice for you, b) this is cheaper and less awful than a divorce down the road, and c) it will hurt now, but you will be fine. I have two friends that ended engagements and/or cancelled weddings in their 20s. Both are now married to other men (but would also be fine if they were single because being married is not the be all end all!). Hugs, and hang in there!
OP
Everyone, a huge and heartfelt thanks for all of the encouragement and stories. I have been living with this reality for a few days but have not told anyone (except partner) yet and needed a “vote of confidence” to put one foot in front of the other. Thank you. Your responses mean so much at a time like this.
Anonymous
I had to do this, about 6 months before the wedding. Sending virtual hugs and support!! I agree with what everyone has said, particularly about delegating as much as you can. I told a few close friends, asked them to let other mutual friends know, and my mom and sister took care of letting family and other friends know. It was mostly done through emails or phone calls, no need for a formal announcement. I’d also recommend planning something fun for the would-be wedding day, if you can.
One piece of practical advice – I also had someone contact the stores I was registered at to cancel the registries. When I went to return the gifts to Bloomingdale’s, the woman at the registry told me that this made it harder to return things. Maybe this isn’t the case where you’re registered but apparently it’s possible for them to just “hide” your registry rather than outright cancel it. I’d also recommend taking a loved one with you for moral support!
I’m not going to sugarcoat it, this is going to be a really hard time, but you will get through it and be happy again!! Just be kind to yourself in the meantime!
Skipper
My bff called off her wedding, and at least five different women contacted her to say that they’d done the same thing. They were all lovely, accomplished, and happy people, and she’d hadn’t known that fact about them previously. I mention this because they collectively helped her to realize that calling off a wedding 1) is really more common than you might think and 2) not the life-defining, reputation changer it feels like at the time. You’re going to have rich, interesting life on the other side of this. You’re going to be happy and loved and respected by people who matter to you. I’m rooting for you.
lsw
I haven’t even read this whole thread yet, but you are ABSOLUTELY making the right call. The sunken costs now are going to fade as you move on with your life. It’s so hard and scary to know you’re doing something that makes you feel embarrassed, but you are going through a super hard time in a super condensed period right now. Blue skies ahead. Hugs.
Anon
One of my dear friends called off her wedding a month out, and it was the best and bravest thing she could have done in retrospect. (She’s now been married to a guy she met a couple years after the fall out.) Any public split like this is bound to seem huger and scarier to you now than it will down the road, and people who love you will understand and be relieved for you. My friend sent out personal emails or notes, if I recall correctly, with a few phone calls to wedding party/family, indicating that she was sorry for the inconvenience and would be returning any gifts they’d already received, that she hoped people would respect her need for privacy for a while and that she hoped to see us all soon otherwise (and then she followed through by making time to see all the friends she’d invited to the wedding anyway, which turned out to be good post break-up support).
Anon
I haven’t read all the responses yet, but you are 100% doing the right thing. I almost called off my wedding 2 weeks before the date because something just didn’t feel right … but let everyone talk me into going forward because it was “cold feet.” Plus I was worried about inconveniencing people, being embarrassed, etc. Flash forward two years and I was fleeing in the dead of the night with nothing but my purse. If something doesn’t feel right or you don’t feel you can go forward, you are making the right decision and the people who love you will understand. The people who don’t … who cares about them anyway? Hugs and best wishes from an internet stranger who wishes she had been as brave as you are.
Anonymous
+1000, I wish I had called it off.
OP
Thank you for all the great advice. I just want to blurt two big concerns I have into the internet because they’re really preoccupying me.
1) I am dreading telling my coworkers about this news. I work in an environment where everyone talks openly about their personal lives. To this point, so have I. Also, I met my partner AT WORK, so they all know her and have a personal relationship with her too. She left my org before we started dating, but has stayed very much in touch with everyone for the past years. How do I go about this? I don’t feel strong enough to do it in person but also don’t think an email works for people that I sit beside all day, everyday. If I don’t tell them, they may very well hear from her first. Any advice? I need to work out in my mind what my script is going to be if they ask why or act shocked.
2) My parents have always believed that me being a lesbian is a “phase”. I’ve gotten so tired of that narrative and hate the fact that this event will be (in their minds) supportive of their theory. I know it’s not, but I also feel like it undermines my “credibility” of identity with my own family. This is a bit harder to explain. But I feel like their reactions, and maybe even the reactions of others more broadly, will be “I knew it! She came out late in life and has never “seemed” like a lesbian. I knew it!” Breaking off the engagement has nothing to do with me questioning this, but I know it will lead others to.
Anon
Hugs. This is so, so hard.
For your coworkers, an email for now will be plenty. “Hi all, because we’re such a close, personal office, I want to let you know that Joan and I have called off the wedding. I’m hurting and not ready to discuss it yet, but I wanted you to know. Jill”
For your family, “Mom, Dad – there’s no way to say this but to say this: Joan and I have called off the wedding. I’m hurting terribly, and I’m not ready to discuss details, but we’ve (I’ve?) made up our minds and this is for the best. We can talk more later when I’m not hurting so much. Thank you for your love and understanding (see what I did there?).”
Senior Attorney
This seems perfect.
And you are so doing the right thing! Big hugs and high five for being so brave! As I was walking down the aisle at my first wedding I knew it was a mistake but I was too chicken to do what you’re doing. And remember: The only way out is through.
Anon
No advice, but for what it’s worth, this internet stranger believes you when you say you’re a lesbian. If your parents want to use this as “proof” for what they believe, it’s on them. You will get through this!
Anonymous
Blurt away, OP, blurt away! :-)
On 1:
This is an awkward situation and making it less awkward may not be possible. As much as I would love to think, well, everyone is an adult, they understand relationships are complicated and things aren’t always what they seem – my own experiences lead me to believe that’s overly optimistic. Regrettably. This is probably going to require a fair amount of you holding your head high and sticking to just the facts of the story you want to share. I would keep details to a minimum and if people want to dissect, I would say something like, “you know, this is all pretty painful for me and I would rather not talk about it.” If you can take some time off of work, take it. Some time away may help the gossip to die down before you get back. Gossip-worthy events have a short half-life, even in very close-knit workplaces.
On 2:
This resonates for me because I saw this happen to my aunt, who is a lesbian, and our conservative Southern Baptist family. Till the day they died my grandparents believed my aunt was minutes away from “converting back” to heterosexuality. Every argument she had with her now-wife was, in my grandparents’ opinion, going to be the tipping point to her going back to dating men. Yeah, okay. My aunt had known she was gay since she was a preteen but hope sprang eternal. There’s only so much you can do to control other people’s opinions and perceptions. You called off your wedding; that doesn’t mean you’re going to stop being a lesbian, and maybe just saying that is enough? If not, it is honestly not something you should spend time worrying about. You are clear about who you are and what you want. If others don’t share that clarity of vision, that’s too bad but it’s also not within your control. I know that’s not super-helpful but letting go of her desire to convince my grandparents that yes, her sexual orientation is permanent was the only thing that brought my aunt any peace.
Hugs, hugs, hugs to you.
lsw
1) I think in this situation an email is completely fine. People will totally understand. This is different from a celebration announcement, where you want people’s initial reactions. First of all, it would be okay if the only reason to do it via email was because it’s better for you. But there is the added benefit for them that they can process their initial reaction away from you and possibly prevent them from blurting out something they might regret. (I’m sure all of us have responded to surprising news in a way we wish we hadn’t!) They will understand.
2) I hear you. I am bi and married to a man and feel like my serious exgirlfriend is considered a “phase” by some people. Oh well. I can’t control their reactions or interpretations. Focus on getting through the pain of a difficult breakup now, and cross that bridge when you come to it. People think all sorts of crazy things surrounding weddings no matter what happens. You got this.
Anon
Work – they’ll understand… find the most gossipy person and at work and let them know you cancelled the wedding – it just didn’t work out, so we decided to part ways amicably. Gossip will take care of the news. IF ppl come to you asking for reasons or to offer support – say the same thing – Thank you, it just didn’t work out, so we decided to part ways! For ppl who don’t know and ask about the wedding – again ‘it just didn’t work out, so we decided to part ways’. It will get easier after the one one.
About the parents, there’s nothing you can do. Their mind, their choice! Don’t fret about it – if they bring it up to you – say you are hurting and don’t want to discuss this.
Anon
For work, I had to share some personal bad news (failed IVF when, for reasons, most of the office knew about the IVF). In my case I was away from the office for two days anyway so I sent an email towards the end of the first day I was out so that by the time I was back everyone had seen it. I think I also mentioned that I didn’t want to talk about it when I returned. That let people send their condolences and for me to cry it out before getting back to work. I used the same strategy when my dog died.
So, I recommend a day or two out of work with an email during the time that you are out.
Been There
For your first concern–I also worried about this with my nosy/involved coworkers when I got divorced. I told my best friend in the office and the office gossip that it was happening (no details) and asked them to please tell everyone because I didn’t want people asking me. Luckily, no one did. I’m sure people talked about it behind my back, but I just pretended like that wasn’t going on. Having a script that others have mentioned in case someone brings it up would be helpful.
For your second concern–That is so hard, and this internet stranger believes you and is rooting for you.
Anonymous
I am sorry you are going through this. No particular advice about the best way to tell people. However, a college friend of mine called off her wedding several years ago now and several people had booked travel. My then boyfriend now husband and I lived in the area where the wedding was taking place, so we told our other college friends who were invited that if they couldn’t get out of tickets/hotels/whatever, we would be around that weekend and would love to see everyone and have everyone over for dinner and hanging out. We ended up with about 6 people still coming into the area and we had a great time seeing each other. So, if there is a group of people like that which you invited to you wedding, they may do something similar. I hope that is helpful and comforting. Years later, now that the bride is happily married, shared with me how she had heard what we had done and how much she appreciated that we made lemonade out of lemons.
Anonymous
I’m super late responding and haven’t read any other answers — you are doing the right thing and everything will work out!! I know two women (one is a good friend and the other is the daughter of my mom’s close friend) who each called off her engagement – in one case, the dress had been purchased and wedding fully planned/booked. Both women are now very happily married to other men who are better for them. I have never heard anyone say anything negative about their decisions to call it off — not a peep!
Anon
Any sound machines or white noise recommendations? My neighbor’s phone goes off almost all night. I have an app but would prefer to buy a machine. Budget under 100 preferred but its sleep so willing to pay more.
Wink
I have used this for years and am still happy with it. I’ve also had one in my child’s room as well since the earliest baby days. (Available online from pretty much any retailer at the same price) https://www.homedics.com/sound-machines/soundspa.html
Anon
A huge plus one to this one–it is WAY louder than the more expensive Dohm machine.
Panda Bear
I like to run a little fan on my bedside table – pointing away from me so I’m not being blasted with air, but so I can still hear the sound.
NotYourLawyer
I have a Dohm that I love to the point of taking it on vacation with me. Both the volume and frequency are adjustable by rotating the base/top.
One caveat: it’s pretty small but it does need open space around it to work properly. It would be fine on most nightstands, as long as the surface is deep enough that the Dohm doesn’t have to be pressed against the wall (and you are not a bedside book hoarder with a small mountain of airflow blocking reading material).
Anonymous
I also love my Dohm sound machine. I think I bought it at Target and it’s lasted me almost 10 years without any problems.
givemyregards
+1 for the Dohm. Also, had never thought about bringing it with me on vacation, but the next time I have room in my suitcase I absolutely will.
Miss
I have this one and like it:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00MY8V86Q?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_pd_title
I bought it a month or so ago so can’t speak to longevity but it does the trick with a choice of white noise or fan sound. I have a wake up light with other sounds but I never use them.
Anon
Piggybacking off of your thread, has anyone tried those Bluetooth sound blocking earbuds? My neighbors often have loud parties outside when it gets warm out and my windows do a poor job of blocking noise out.
Lana Del Raygun
Real talk, I love my baby’s Sleep Sheep. It costs about $25, I think, and it has four different sound options (mine has ocean waves, gentle rain, babbling brook with birdsong, and whale calls; I’ve also seen a version with a heartbeat noise that’s probably comforting to newborns but was very annoying to me).
Daffodil
I have an air purifier that doubles as white noise when I sleep- just a thought if you need an air purifier anyways!
Anonattorney
LectroFan!
Pants Pants Pants
How many pairs of pants do you have? I’ve realized that I have three pairs of the same style pant and just bought three more. They are all different colors or fabrics. I wear two of the three I own at least once a week but when I look at them as a whole I wonder if that’s just too many.
Anonymous
No. I have BR Logan pants in 3+ colors, in my size when I realized they are the only suiting pants that work with my type of moderate pear shape, the next size up, and the next size up. If the BR Logan pant were a man, I’d marry him. And then I’d clone him a bunch of times.
I have AT curvy cords in both skinny and boot cuts, in a variety of colors.
nona
If you found something that works for you, go for it! FWIW, I own more than 6 pairs of pants (your new total).
Anon
I wear pants 80% of the year so I have lots. 6 is really not that much imo.
Anonymous
Yep. I switched jobs two years ago and had to go from wearing mostly dresses to mostly pants (combination of less-formal workplace and I now work on a “campus” where I do a lot of walking from building to building for meetings; dresses just aren’t as practical). I have easily over a dozen pairs in different colors, but only about 6 that I really like and that I feel flatter me. If I could find my unicorn pair of pants I’d buy multiples and get rid of all the ones I’m “meh” about.
Anonymous
I have 10 pairs for summer, 10 for winter, and then mix in half a dozen skirts or dresses each season. I buy duplicates as well, but make sure they are different in color, texture, pattern so I don’t get bored. I have also had backups in the same color if something is likely to wear out.
emeralds
4 pairs of work pants (black, navy, gray, and a lighter-weight olive chino for summer), 1 pair of jeans. Full disclosure, I wear mostly leggings on the weekends.
Anon
I own way more pants than that, and more than 6 in the same style! In fact, I own three pairs in black of the same style – two would probably have been fine there, but there is no shame in stocking up on something that works for you.
Well, I guess there’s one issue. If your favorite style of pants comes in some weird colors and you buy those because you already have the neutrals, and then you never wear the weird colors. That would be a mistake. It would actually be more practical to just buy duplicates of the neutrals. Reasons to have duplicates of neutrals – one pair is in the laundry, or a favorite pair becomes damaged/stained and the manufacturer no longer makes the style.
Anon
I probably have about 20+, in about 4 different sizes. I keep buying new ones as my waistline grows…
Inspired by Hermione
This is also me. I finally got rid of some that definitely would not fit on either side of he equation (Gained a bunch of weight on antidepressants, lost a good portion of it after stopping the med, but not back to my pre-med weight), but I have probably a dozen or 15 in varying sizes.
Anonymous
Pants I own? Who knows. My stored clothing is due for an epic cleanout.
Pants I consider part of my wardrobe? 10. Grey trousers (part of a suit), black trousers, skinny pants in black, grey, dark green, dark purple, and taupe, dark wash jeans, medium wash jeans, and paint pants (jeans that got stained and I wear when I’m doing something likely to ruin my clothes).
I wear skinny pants or a skirt every day to work and jeans on weekends. Trousers are for interviews or more formal work events. I don’t wear leggings out of the house unless I’m working out, so they don’t count as pants for me.
I’m on team buy the things you like in different colors to keep your wardrobe from getting boring. My 5 skinny pants are from 3 different brand and I stalk those brands constantly for new colors. But I also really like having interesting colors in my pants, so YMMV.
Ariadne
Skirts are like my pants and I own about 30. One third are fall spring, another third summer, and another winter. Around ten skirts are super old (over eight years); and while I wear them less often now, they still look good and I receive compliments when I where them. I keep the off season skirts in an under bed storage covered basket thing, and have about twelve I wear over a season.
This novel is to say that if I was a pants wearer, I would likely have that many pants for all the seasons:) ( I own two pants and five jeans total)
Parfait
Two. One jeans, one non-jeans. I wear a dress almost every day.
(This does not count workout pants or leggings or cozy loungewear.)
Anon
I’m normally a good sleeper, but I’ve been noticing lately that I’m sleeping poorly in the week leading up to my period. Is this an established phenomenon and is there anything I can do about it? I don’t do well on little sleep and I’m eager to improve this pattern if I can.
Anononon
Oh my gosh, I could have written this post. In fact, I’ve been meaning to do it and just keep forgetting. So you took that off of my plate. :)
NotYourLawyer
I tend to crave caffeine and alcohol more during that week, and could definitely see it screwing with my sleep if I wasn’t cognizant of the craving. Are use a tracker on my phone called Sleep Cycle that rates my quality of sleep every night and these are the things that I’ve found to help, personally:
– White noise. I’d suggest starting with an app, or a song on Spotify on repeat first to see if this is something that would work for you. Just be aware that some people find that once they start using something like this, they can’t fall asleep without it.
– Cutting down on alcohol. Alcohol can definitely help you fall asleep, but most people have terrible sleep quality after a couple of drinks.
– Meditation/relaxation techniques. The app Headspace has a really good sleep series, but I’m sure there are others out there as well.
– Melatonin. I like the gummies from Olly. I usually take half the recommended dose because otherwise (while my sleep is fantastic) I feel a little groggy in the morning.
Anon
I always have one severe night of insomnia the week leading to my period. It’s the hormones. Do all the best sleep care you can that week. Zzquil has been pretty helpful.
Amberwitch
I often have one or more nights of poor sleep and night sweats before/ in the start of my period (I have a homone IUD, so my period isn’t very well defined)
Anon
I used to do this really bad when I was in the pill. It was worse when I was in law school and is better now that I’m both not in law school and have an IUD. I would get really bad insomnia the night before my period started and generally not be able to sleep until about 4 am.
Anonymous
This is from low progesterone. In relation to estrogen. You need to get things in balance.
Anon
This is from low progesterone. In relation to estrogen. You need to get things in balance.
Anon
Drugstores often sell them – you have to ask at checkout. Also my company will sell people individual stamps.
Mpls
Grocery store – go to the customer service counter. Sometimes the bank ATM, but I think they charge a convenience fee.
Anon
Most grocery stores also have them at each checkout station–remembering to ask is the hard part :).
Anon
My grocery store sells them
Anon
Costco.
Miss
Yep, Costco.
NotYourLawyer
Costco was running a deal for a bit and charged the old Forever Stamp price after it went up. I’m telling myself it was a good deal, but I now have more stamps then I will likely ever need in a lifetime.
Em
Costco.
jo
Drug store sometimes.
buffybot
CVS/Walgreens/Duane Reade – available at the cash register.
The original Scarlett
Online at USPS because they sell all the pretty stamps and I like sending mail that looks nice
CountC
Me too!
The original Scarlett
Glad I’m not alone!
CountC
I really delighted in sending out my holiday cards with the Disney villains stamps!
The original Scarlett
<3
Anon
Do you have to pay shipping charges on the stamps when you order online? I think this is what stopped me last time – paying postage on postage (kind of like paying taxes on taxes – thanks Trump from a Californian)
AFT
you pay postage, but it’s minimal. I usually order a few books at a time, and it’s something like $1 in shipping, so doesn’t feel significant.
PolyD
That was a game-changer for me, UPS online. All the pretty stamps and shipping was pretty cheap. I really only use stamps in quantity to send Christmas/holiday cards, and I think I’m set for 2019 cards.
Walnut
ATMs sometimes sell stamps as well.
anon
grocery store
K
Online at USPS. You get the full selection of cute stamp designs and avoid waiting at the Post Office. I’m okay with spending the $1.25 in shipping or whatever it is for the convenience.
Pretty Primadonna
UPS Store. Grocery store. USPS.
Anon
A really upsetting incident happened to me this week. My grandboss yelled at me over email, IN ALL CAPS, because I made a typo on a document. She later talked to my boss about it and was irrationally furious. I feel humiliated and angry. It was a tiny mistake, and I have worked here for 15 months with an excellent track record and been recognized for my good work, given a raise and a bonus, etc. I have never been spoken to so unprofessionally at work before. I really don’t know how to move past this. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells now and that’s not an environment I want to work in.
Anonymous
Is it possible that you can just let it go? Getting yelled at over email is no fun, I know. But what outcome can you really expect here? She probably is not going to apologize. There is no great supervisor in the sky who is going to come down and say that you are a good worker who didn’t deserve that. So, could you just try to move on? I know it is not fair, but I think that fixating on these small injustices at work is not useful. Let it go.
Anon
+1 Let it go. You’re not going to get the just outcome you want.
anne-on
What was your bosses reaction? Have you spoken about it your boss (in person preferably) since? I’ve been yelled at before (both via email and in person, in front of others). What distinguished places I’d stay at (and did) vs. time to move on was if my direct boss had a discussion with me about the hows/whys of it (ie – I’m sorry that happened, it was your mistake but that was a bad way to handle it and here is some insight into why grandboss reacted that way). Bonus points if boss made a point of speaking to grandboss alone about it being inappropriate and let me know.
If this is all treated with a ‘shrug, that’s just the way it goes’ I’d consider that a valuable piece of information about your organization and think about whether you’re a good fit/want to stick it out.
Anon
+1. How others react says a lot. Did boss stand up for you? Is grandboss likely to apologize?
I once had a boss yell at me – in all caps over email and then with a follow-up phone call – for forgetting to sign his name on a routine email to a client. I had been talking with Colleague A about X, and Colleague A told me to email Client about X. When I emailed Client, I signed it with my name and Colleague A, but omitted listing Colleague B’s name, but did CC him. It wasn’t a conscious omission, so much as I had been speaking with A and his name was on my mind. Colleague B *screamed* at me over it. He later apologized and said he was WAY out of line, esp considering the relative insignificance of it all. He’s been very gracious to me ever since (and is generally just a gregarious guy) and (I’m told) is a frequent cheerleader of mine at partner meetings.
OP
My boss was amazing, thankfully. She sent me home because I was really upset and grandboss was coming in for a meeting and she didn’t want me to have to deal with her. She talked to grandboss about it and managed to get her to calm down. No apology or anything, but I wasn’t expecting one. Boss was really reassuring and kind. But…I’m learning that grandboss is this kind of person. So this is impetus to job search.
Anonymous
Oh my god your boss had to send you home over an email. You srsly need to get a grip.
Annonnnn
Yea, I mean, wow. You went home after getting an all caps email? Damn. All caps emails make me laugh. It’s so unprofessional how can you even take it seriously? Or personally? It’s not.
anon
sorry this happened….I’m sure this is very upsetting. Is it possible that grandboss is having a very bad day and you are bearing the brunt? maybe keep that in mind and this may be a one off, but be thankful that you now know what grandboss is capable of…..take it very seriously and apologize. Don’t let it happen again but at the same don’t let it wear you down as you have been recognized for good work here….sounds like you have been developing a good brand and one mistake is not a disaster…..good luck and don’t sweat it
OP
Live update! My boss isn’t here today, asked me to check something on her computer, and I opened it and saw emails from my grandboss about how I’m disrespectful and should be fired. I am sitting here freaking out.
Anon
You know your office better (and whether you could handle being fired), but this is where I would be tempted to respond with “Please do not raise your voice and insult me in a professional setting. Creating a hostile work environment isn’t going to help us resolve the issue.” Sorry your boss is such a major assh*le.
Anonattorney
Stop reading your boss’s email. Don’t leave work because a superior is unhappy that you made a mistake. Talk to your boss about what you can do to fix the situation and how you can establish/reestablish trust. Question whether your read of this situation is actually correct, or if your bosses may have legitimate concerns over your job performance and reaction to criticism.
Anon
Even if OP hadn’t received good reviews and a bonus and a raise, there’s no way this is long-term sustainable for OP. Grandboss has taken a vehement dislike to her, and unless grandboss is magically leaving the company next week, OP needs to get out quickly. OP, work on your resume tonight and spend your weekend applying to jobs.
Anon
Yes, this. No matter how unfair or terrible grandboss is, if she is not on her way out (and SOON), OP needs to start job searching ASAP–like today.
Anon
None of this sounds real.
OP
This, unfortunately, very real. I wish I wasn’t crying alone in my office right now because I’m going to be fired over a typo, but I am.
Ses
Starting from the assumption that this is real, I’m sorry you’re going through this difficult experience!
Other commenters are right that you should start looking for another job, since you’ve found out that grand-boss wants you gone.
On the constructive side of things: I’m not sure if this is the time for it, but at some point (this weekend?) it might be good to set aside a bit of time to reflect on why grandboss thinks you are disrespectful. It seems unlikely it’s over one typo. If it is – sure, they’re nuts and you can write it off… but I think it’s just worth a second look.
It’s also worth thinking about whether being too upset to finish your day is an appropriate size of reaction to someone using all caps in an email. I know it feels like internet-yelling, but it means different things to different people. I would consider this an over-reaction if one of my employees received an all-caps email and was this upset. I might give a pass if they were fairly junior, but I would talk to them about the need to be resilient in the face of negative but non-threatening digital interactions. I would feel differently if it were actual in-person yelling.
Anon
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this, OP, but it is time to gather all your energy and get a new job so that you quit before they fire you. That is your new goal. Use the adrenaline you have to get a new job. At some point, you will need to work out the details of what happened so they don’t continue to happen or continue to bog you down. I’d encourage therapy to unpack it, but I would also say that is a secondary concern. The primary is to get a new job.
JuniorMinion
You aren’t going to be fired over a typo. You may however be fired if this is the straw that broke the camel’s back and your grandboss / boss have maybe just not provided you with appropriate and actionable feedback to date.
What I would do is calm down this afternoon and tomorrow morning go talk to your boss when you are in a better headspace. I would structure the discussion as wanting to understand / lessons learned as it relates to your interaction with grandboss. I know you feel things were handled unfairly, I would encourage you to swallow a bit of that and focus your boss on actionable things you can do to avoid this kind of situation in the future and how to appropriately handle interactions with grandboss. You can probably use this conversation to force a conversation about feedback with your boss as well and suss out what of this is related to grandboss / their personality and what (if anything) is problematic about your actual performance.
Anon
+1 especially the live updates of “checking” the boss’s computer. No one does this.
joan wilder
What is the point of declaring this doesn’t seem real? It is either real, someone is struggling and you minimized it rudely, or it is fake, a troll, and you’ve just encouraged them by reacting. [I am sure this is real, and OP, I am sorry to hear it.]
Suburban
+1 not real.
OP
Well, so much for trying to talk about work issues honestly on this s!te. I hope you never have to deal with this kind of thing because it sucks. Just kicking me while I’m down.
Houda
I would never read someone’s email, it’s just not done.
Wow
+1
If your boss didn’t want to fire you before, then you made a huge mistake opening and reading their private emails….because they may fire you now. You can see when an email has already been opened, you know? How can you not let thisnew knowledge slip in future discussions with boss…
I would also start job hunting.
Anonymous
Yes, agreed, this would be cause for disciplinary action or firing at my company. I don’t know what you are doing reading someone else’s email but it makes me question the facts of this story.
Anon
Yeah, even if this is real, which I’m certain it’s not, OP has some much bigger issues to deal with than her grandboss being angry at her. OP, you have got to work on your professionalism.
Anon
She didn’t necessarily read them deliberately. In my job, my boss often asks me to search in her emails for replies, old emails etc. I try hard not to look at anything else, but inevitably see emails coming in, related emails, etc. I think this isn’t uncommon, especially people whose bosses may be older and not so comfortable with computers and email.
anon
OP, I think people are being a little harsh to you here. I had something similar happen– I sent an email to grand grand boss, and grand boss totally flipped out on me about ’embarrassing him & going out of rank’. He was a military guy and a db (maybe not related, but both were true). Anyway, he was horrible to me from that point fwd (to be fair, he was horrible to everyone, but seemed especially keen on being particularly horrible to me). I put the word out to my network that I was looking for a new job with a better team and a friend said there was an opening on a team she worked closely with. I interviewed, got the job– which was a way better fit & more $, and have been there happily for the past 5 years. This is likely more about him than you, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to find a different job.
Also, I’m glad everyone here is a better person than I, but I would have read my bosses emails too if they were open.
Anon
Have you ever tried men’s shirts?
Lana Del Raygun
Yes but only the ones with collars :P
Anon
@ Kat!
Anon
Only in the bedroom with a full suit and heels.
pugsnbourbon
I mean, I bought a men’s button-down because it had dinosaurs on it and there wasn’t a women’s version. I wear it tucked into ankle pants with oxfords.
Ses
This sounds very cool.
Abby
I want that shirt. Husband has a button up with llamas on it that he got for our rehearsal dinner/now wears to work.
givemyregards
Bonobos??
Annonnnn
One of my male coworkers has one of these and I get so jealous when he wears it!
pugsnbourbon
I bought it at a museum store – I’ll check the brand tonight and report back. The dinosaurs are very subtle.
no
Comfortable patio/porch furniture? I know the cushions are usually not super soft because of whatever weather-proofing, but anyone bought a set recently with some sort of happy medium?
Anonymous
I bought a bunch of the cushy furniture that Home Depot sells (Edington was the style), and I adore it. 5 years on and it’s going strong. Get cushion covers and use them religiously – I bought the Classic Accessories ones (Veranda) off Amazon.
Abby
Tangent off of this – do you leave the cushions out all the time, and just deal with it if it rains, or store them, and take them out when you want to sit outside? Not sure if we need an outdoor storage ottoman or to throw them in the garage. It seems like such a basic question, but first summer with patio furniture for us
Anon
I leave my outdoor cushions out in the rain because I don’t really have a place to store them. They dry quickly. They probably wear out sooner but I got about 5 years of fairly heavy use out of the last set and now I have a color I like better.
Belle Boyd
I bring mine in — just take them outside when I want to sit on the porch. This way, if it rains, I don’t have to worry about them getting wet and taking forever for them to dry and I don’t have to worry about critters chewing on them. This is a thing I have to worry about as I had a chipmunk decide to chew a hole in one of the cushions and rip the stuffing out — one week after I bought them.
Definitely was NOT a happy girl over that little incident.
Anonymous
Cushion covers for the win!
Anonymous
I always bring them in to prevent water and sun damage. Even though they are outside cushions, this keeps them cleaner, too. I store them in a guest room closet.
Abby
Thanks! And to OP, our back patio furniture was from Lowe’s end of last year. We mix and matched the tables and chairs between sets. Also got an outdoor rug which makes it look cozier to me. Our front porch we just got a set from Target called Halstead. It comes with 2 ottomans for the chairs that can slide underneath the seats. Haven’t used them much yet, but they feel comfy!
Anonymous
I have been at my job about six months. I loved my manager, not the job/location, but he was let go last week.
There is a company on secondment with us, and I work closely with these folks – my manager and I both and they loved him as well.
I saw an opening at their main office, which is a better location and job fit for me. Is there a way to bring this up?
Also, I had not had a review yet – I know it would have been stellar but whomever will do it now will not be aware of my work. Any way to manage this – do I just do my self-assessment and hope for the best?
Anon
Why don’t you reach out to your former manager? Sounds like you had a great relationship and he may be able to help in this situation.
anon
There may be some restrictions between the companies that they won’t solicit/recruit the other’s employees. So if you want to apply, take the initiative to apply directly yourself and then decide how to approach the people you know.
Anon
Go for it! Apply first, let your ex manager know if he can be your referral, ask the new company HR if they have a legal binding with current company to hire ppl from there.
Don’t forget to ask for a much better salary and always negotiate when they offer! Good luck!
Don’t worry about your performance review – prepare an awesome self assessment highlighting your accomplishments and your growth and reach out to HR to understand who will do it or if you have to do it yourself.
Anon
Help me shop! I need a dress for my brother’s super fancy late afternoon/evening so-Cal beach wedding in late summer (so probably warm during the day and chilly at night). I’m probably a size 18 and short- just had a baby and have always carried weight in my lower stomach/butt. I’m mid 30s. My parents also prefer that I not wear a solid black dress (which was what I had been planning). I think most people will be in floor length gowns.
Could spend up to $300-ish, but flexible.
Thanks!
Anon
A beach wedding with floor length gowns? That doesn’t make any sense. Are you sure?
If you want to wear a dark color, how about navy blue or a dark emerald green (as long as those aren’t the wedding colors)
Anon
It’s in a club along the beach cliffs… I think the ceremony is outside on the cliffs, then party inside with huge windows facing the water.
I haven’t been to the venue but saw some pictures and it’s gorgeous.
Anon
My future sil goes all out for even family parties… this wedding is going to be quite the fancy affair (she bought 2x 12k wedding dresses to give you scope).
Anonymous
https://m.shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-floral-print-halter-maxi-dress-plus-size/4525505?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&fashionsize=18W%2C%202X%2C%2020%2C%204XL&color=pink
https://m.shop.nordstrom.com/s/maxi-pleated-ombre/4333046?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&fashionsize=18W%2C%202X%2C%2020%2C%204XL&color=black
https://m.shop.nordstrom.com/s/morgan-co-high-low-sequin-gown-plus-size/4936366?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&fashionsize=18W%2C%202X%2C%2020%2C%204XL&color=rosegold
anon
OP here- I’m digging the sequin dress!
Anon
When you say “beach wedding,” do you mean they are getting married on the beach, or just overlooking the beach?
Anon
Ovelooking the beach (on the cliffs), but I think the ceremony is outside.
Anon
How do you feel about a jumpsuit?
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/4438923
Anon
This is so pretty and I’d totally wear it to a friend’s wedding! But I think I’d get the stink eye and potentially give my fsil a heart attack if I wore it to this wedding.
Anon
I just went to Nordstrom, filtered on plus size, dresses, and then clicked formal and there are so many really pretty options.
Anon
This could be very pretty on a petite curvy lady. Add a pashmina for evening.
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/5258856
anon
ooo that is so pretty!
Anon
I think Kiyonna a has nice dresses.
Anon
That’s a good one. They sell on amazon too so you can do the free prime shipping, free returns thing and try on a bunch.
JS
Hm, this seems tricky.
What about this? Black with embellishment: https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/morgan-co-embroidered-mesh-evening-gown-plus-size/5221064
Not a dark color but looks super comfy and flowy: https://shop.galmeetsglam.com/genevieve-k0275m-wsmv
This in the Navy, Burgundy, or Mauve would be pretty as well: https://www.macys.com/shop/product/adrianna-papell-blouson-cowlneck-gown?ID=8081810&
Anon
Not op but that black embellished gown is so pretty!
NOLA
Yes, gorgeous! One of my close friends wore a dress like that to a family wedding (except the main color was pink) and she looked smashing.
anon
OP here- They had a similar one on modcloth’s site (also in plus), that I was really digging! I think this might be a go… even if not for the wedding, maybe for the rehearsal dinner :)
Flats Only
If you want a dark color consider Navy. It’s perfectly acceptable, especially at a night-time summer occasion, and offers much of the “forgiving” quality that black dresses do, especially if the material is not shiny.
Rainbow Hair
May I humbly suggest… a long, fancy dress paired with an LJ?!
A dress like this? https://www.macys.com/shop/product/x-by-xscape-plus-size-off-the-shoulder-floral-print-gown?ID=7889927&
Death Valley
Planning a spring trip to Death Valley! I need recommendations. Where should I stay, where should I hike, any tours to take, what to pack, etc. So far my packing list is sunscreen, a hat, and more sunscreen.
Flats Only
Water. The “death” part of the name is no joke. Stick to trails and read up on safety – folks hike off alone there every year with disastrous consequences.
Fan of Death Valley
Death Valley is one of my favorite places. I like it in winter, when it’s very empty and when I can go in the hot springs that are in surrounding areas. I haven’t done anything very organized when I visit; I just pack food (and lots of water, and someone said, and then MORE water, just in case you have car trouble) and go wandering with a car, doing very easy hikes as I’m pulled. I like Ubehebe Crater. I have a hard copy book or two about Death Valley, and I’ve picked an interesting place and two and just headed for them. A picnic at an out-of-the-way oasis in Death Valley is really, really nice — really! The landscapes are beautiful. It’s interesting to learn about the people that have lived there, and continue to live there.
That’s not very specific advice, but I’d say don’t worry about hitting all the “big” spots; just take your time, select something that interests you, and enjoy a truly spectacular place.
I’m living in the upper Midwest right now, but formerly lived in the Bay Area and adored occasional trips to Death Valley. I’m hoping to go there again soon. It’s a real gem.
anon
Did anyone read the Job vs Work post on Caphillstyle yesterday? I thought it was super on point, but it was also apparently somewhat controversial and I’m interested to hear thoughts about it.
Anonymous
Yes.
First, though, I’d like a moratorium in here on the Belle-hate. It comes across as so much mean girls who are brave only in the anonymity of the internet. Let’s be better than that.
Second, I agree with it — I try to explain in BigLaw that being a good legal technician is only one part of being a successful lawyer. There are all sorts of layers to what it takes to excel, especially as you get more senior. One person was complaining that you have to bring in business and some people just want to “work,” as if it weren’t 100% of what a solo practitioner does (bring in business, do the work, bill the work, collect the work, manage staff, manage to get more work, hopefully repeat work, hopefully interesting work at your skill level, etc., etc.). In BigLaw, at the highest levels, you will never get paid $$$ for the briefs you write — if that’s your only skill and the only thing you bring to the table, you will cap out at a certain level.
Anon
+1
Annonnnn
Someone went and left a nasty comment on her blog referencing some comments that were made here the other day. Sigh.
Anon
This makes me so sad that grown women do this. It’s very high school.
I’m all for debating ideas but the commentary yesterday (and some on this thread) is really personal and a little sexist in my opinion. Attacking the person just detracts from the arguments made regarding what the person is saying.
Sigh. We can do better. Come on ladies.
Anonymous
I wasn’t really bothered by the comments on this site yesterday about Belle. I think it is always important to understand the source of any information, and she has a very public persona. She writes a public blog and tends to present her opinions as facts. Frankly, she tends to see things as black and white. I don’t think it is sexist at all to bring up her name when talking about where a story or comment originated, and i don’t think it is sexist to say, “take this with a grain of salt because it comes from Belle.” It isn’t sexist to say the source isn’t always reliable.
Anonymous
I mean…part of me is like “someone said something mean on the Internet? Say it isn’t so!!” :-)
It would be great if people could be respectful and rational all the time but actually I think what sucks people into blogs is drama. As much as people say they want Internet spaces to be “drama free zones” if there was no drama, ever, people would get bored. Most people can’t be drama llamas in real life so they save it up for the Internet. It’s not an ideal condition but it’s reality.
Also, Belle is a grown adult and Belle is also a person who has made a conscious choice to put her life – professional and personal – out there for the world to see. I have a public Instagram with a fair number of followers and sometimes I get comments that aren’t so great. I could choose to make my Instagram private if I didn’t want to deal with it. I choose not to. As another example, I don’t know much about Cat’s marriage because she’s chosen not to integrate the blog with her personal life in that way. I do know she has two sons but other than anecdotes I don’t know much about them either. Bloggers make choices about what they choose to share; Belle has shared a lot. It’s helped her create engagement (that translates into income dollars) but every upside has a downside. If someone puts it ALL out there they shouldn’t be surprised or hurt when it ALL gets commented on. The increased traffic to Belle’s blog because of this kerfuffle will be a net-positive for her even if some of the comments were inappropriate (and I read the one referenced here; it wasn’t nice but Belle could have moderated it out. She chose to display it and so…read into that what you will).
Anon
I was specifically referring to the posts accusing her of waiting for her boyfriend to propose and implying he’s married. I don’t know how that’s sexist. I have no issue disagreeing with her or even pointing out that she’s taken stances previously that make you question her judgment. But personal attacks like that or going to her blog to direct her to mean comments here is rude and childish.
cbackson
I thought it made some useful points but wasn’t super well-written. The “socializing is important” bit and the “only good news flows up/managing your boss” bit were jumbled together. I think the first is accurate, but the validity of the second is highly, highly context dependent. It needed work from an editor (significant work, IMO).
I also thought that the first point would have been more helpfully made if someone with a broader perspective had written it. As several of the commenters pointed out – it’s more common for women to be of the “put your head down and work hard” school of thought (there’s some research on this). Women also face some challenges in making social connections in the workplace that men may not, especially in male-dominated industries, and may need to form those connections and relationships differently. That broader context just isn’t present in his post.
IDK, I felt like there was a bit of truth to it but a lot of it felt like Belle just let her boyfriend write a post, without significant editing. If she’d had to write it herself – and reflect on what he told her, what she learned from it, and how she operationalized it – the piece might have been more useful.
Cat
I agree with this. The main point — personal connections, whether with peers or with managing your boss, are just as important as work product — isn’t anything surprising. The piece had potential to be much more thoughtful and helpful with more effort about Belle herself applying it in different situations. I’m kind of perplexed why she had Kyle address her readers directly.
Anonymous
I’m sorry, but the “here’s my boyfriend to give you some advice, isn’t he so cute, SQUEE” thing just makes her look like a ditzy teenager in the throes of a first crush. If I wanted to hear career advice from a man I’d read a work advice blog written by a man; there are plenty of them out there. I don’t understand who Kyle is, what his career path or success level is, or why I should be reading his words other than, he’s Belle’s boyfriend. And so? I don’t dislike Belle but I sure dislike this choice, to let her boyfriend start writing the blog for her.
Anonymous
Agreed. Why do I care what Kyle has to say? Who is Kyle? Does he have any expertise about this?
anon
Disagree. It makes sense why she’d want him to post, since his role in giving her this feedback has been useful and important to her in her career. It sounded more “I received this useful advice, and it’s probably something that my readership would appreciate, so I’m passing it along.” I see no problems with that at all and thing people are way over fixated on who’s doing the writing.
Ultimately I don’t think I would have made the same choice as I agree it needed a more nuanced view and hearing it from her perspective and her reflections on it would have been much more useful.
cbackson
Agreed – there’s no context for why Kyle’s advice should be considered good advice. His credentials are that he’s Belle’s boyfriend and that she found the advice helpful. I actually wondered if he wants to start blogging too and they were thinking this was a first step.
Ellen
Who is this Belle? She can’t be that dumb b/c she does have a boyfriend, which is more then most of us! FOOEY!
RR
I posted there too. I didn’t mind the advice, and I’m not opposed to professional advice from men–my best professional mentors have been men. For me though, I think that the particular advice waded right into issues of gender bias, and the advice by Kyle had no acknowledgement of that, in part because it seems to have not even occurred to him as part of the overall situation. So, having a white man give the advice was off-putting to me. There is a starting point for a good discussion in what he said, but I found it to be utterly lacking in any understanding of the complexities of the issues. Someone made the analogy to having a white person tell a black person how to handle police encounters. Obviously, it is not the same thing at all, but it is analogous–here’s how I (as a person with privilege as a white man) would handle this situation, and it’s always worked out for me. Well, maybe there are reasons it’s always worked out for you that aren’t just about you having cracked the code to being good at “work.”
I think the discussion was generally very good and respectful, and Belle handled the criticism beautifully. I hope it goes as well here.
cbackson
Someone made the point in the comments that Kyle basically provided a very un-nuanced take on a super-nuanced issue, and I thought that was entirely accurate.
RR
cbackson, yes. That’s it precisely.
Anon
I also liked someone’s point about how they don’t need him to mansplain to them, which to me is what it felt like. Honestly, I feel like with Belle’s background as an NRA lobbyist and other political roles, she seems to have a bit of political motive for the kinds of things she posts, as if she’s trying to “make a point” somehow. She also seemed to be defensive in the comments and insinuated those who didn’t appreciate male advice were somehow hypocrites because they would have liked it if she had put her name on it. She rubs me the wrong way sometimes.
January
+1
Suburban
I thought the pushback was related mostly to the message itself: hardworking smart people don’t love the reality that work is not a meritocracy. This is especially true of professional woman who were told that our brains and our work ethic would bring us success. I think the reaction here was to shoot the male messsenger.
I fully understand that any advice men give me about navigating any interpersonal situation will need to be taken with a grain of salt and altered to suit the way the world actually treats me. 36 years of being female has taught me that, but it doesn’t mean the underlying advice was without merit.
Anon
I disagree, I really felt that the pushback was mostly to the framing. I think there’s a big difference between the author of the blog saying “Here’s an interesting piece of advice my boyfriend recently gave me, here are my thoughts on it and here are some changes I’ve made as a result” vs having the boyfriend guestwrite a post that says “Ladies, do this.” The latter is far less interesting and insightful than the former, and the pushback really seemed to be to the latter approach. Many people suggested that the former approach as an alternative that would have been better and more appealing to her readership. I didn’t really see any comments criticizing the substance of the advice.
anon
I’m not a regular reader of hers but this thread piqued my interest so I took a look. I was underwhelmed— that’s the best he’s got? Was that the whole post? Be a problem solver, present solutions not issues, manage challenges and make sure he knows about your successes? Okay, thanks. Groundbreaking. I do agree with the overall point that success at work is conditioned on more than whether you can complete the technical aspects of your job well, but that wasn’t addressed with any real substance, much less the nuance and attention to gender/race issues that this topic deserves. He takes it for granted because he’s male. To him this is men being promoted because they’re “better at the ‘crucial’ social aspects of the job,” to women, it’s mediocre men being passed up because they play tennis with the boss.” Simplifying, but still.
Anonymous
I think they’ve reversed the meaning of job vs. work. They say that your job is the tasks you’re doing and your work is all the social stuff too. That’s counter-intuitive to me. Your Work is the actual work you’re doing – the brief writing or whatever. But your Job/Career is broader than that – my “job description” as an attorney includes things I need to do to maintain my license (like CLEs), pro bono work, client pitches, client networking events, attorney networking/bar association events, etc. Maybe he really meant job vs. career? That would make more sense to me than job vs. work.
Maybe beside the point of the other issues with the article but I’m having a hard time getting past this distinction.
Anonymous
I thought the same thing. I also thought the whole post was superficial, totally lacking in nuance, and oblivious to the gender aspects of the issue.
Anon
I thought so too!!! I couldn’t read that post because that kept confusing me. I’m glad someone else was bothered by it.
Anon
Actually on topic:
I think this dress is pretty, and would definitely wear it to church or just out and about over the weekend, but can’t figure out how to style it to look professional instead of cute. Scarves? Necklaces? Different footwear?
Abby
+1 I have a dress almost identical to this from Lulu’s in navy, but it’s not on my workwear radar. I love the scallop detailing!
Anon
Has anyone done the Viome gut health test? Or has anyone gone all in with probiotics and clean eating and had your physical and mental health dramatically improve? I love the idea that gut health could help with aches and pains and mental clarity and sleep, but the established medical community seems to be quite vociferously opposed to the idea.
(Anti-depressants don’t work for me and I still feel like crap, so I’ll admit I’m grasping at straws. But man, I really love pizza and ice cream and cheese and the idea of never eating any of it again makes me very, very sad.)
anon
Non-scientific opinion here, but as someone with depression/anxiety issues, I think this grasping at straws to an extent. I absolutely believe there is a link between physical and mental health, and there are plenty of benefits to eating well. But will it have a dramatic effect on your mental health? That’s harder to say. I have cleaned up my diet quite a bit and exercise very regularly — and while they help my baseline, I still function much, much better with medication. In fact, the medication is what makes it possible for me to make OTHER healthy choices that benefit my mental health, like good food, exercise, sleep, time with friends, etc.
Anonymous
Okay, but what if the meds didn’t make anything better for you? What if they actually made things worse?
Anon
There is very strong evidence linking physical and mental health, especially for people with mild depressive symptoms. However, eating “a little cleaner” won’t really do much as far as mood elevation. Most articles based on actual studies I’ve read look at people who make significant life changes – eliminating added sugars and limiting natural sugars, giving up alcohol, sleeping a full 8 hrs consistently, working out consistently several times a week and getting at least 30 minutes of activity a day, taking probiotics and other fermented foods, drinking lots of water, eating an anti-inflammatory diet. Living such a lifestyle I do believe it’s very possible to externally lift yourself out of mild depression if you can’t take anti-depressants (along with regular counseling) – but some people’s chemical imbalance is too much for it to really work without meds and this lifestyle is very difficult to maintain.
But at the very least, living a very healthy lifestyle, especially when it comes to food intake, may ease other health issues that contribute to anxiety and depression and allow for an ease up on dosages and number of medicines for some people.
Anon
I did all of these things for 3 months over the fall – no alcohol, no added sugars, great sleep, daily exercise and HIIT 5x/wk, priobiotics + fermentables (& other vitamins – b, d and magnesium were important for me), lots of water and also low carb and noticed a HUGE DIFFERENCE in my mental health (& also physical health), particularly in terms of motivation/anxiety/optimism. I also just felt in the same mood all the time rather than having a rhythm to my mood over the day. That said I don’t think this lifestyle is sustainable at all, because it really is about the whole package. As soon as I slipped on diet, exercise, alcohol, or sleep, I didn’t feel the same. If you have to choose, no alcohol and regular exercise were the most important 2 factors for me.
Anonymous
I don’t like to spend money on any testing that’s not backed by the medical establishment. Tests are one of the things they’re good at. I know a lot of people who did the Whole30 elimination diet just to see how they would feel.
My mental health improves dramatically off gluten. Since the last time I was tested for celiac disease, I’ve learned I have an IgA deficiency so my previous results could have been a false negative. It’s not worth it to me to make myself sick eating gluten just to prove I have celiac, so I consider myself gluten intolerant and stay away. Those foods don’t even appeal to me anymore; I don’t miss them. Apparently it’s common for celiac/gluten intolerance to manifest with neurological symptoms rather than GI symptoms, but it’s often overlooked. This is backed by medical research, so I’m not sure why anyone would be opposed.
There are many other medical conditions that can cause psych symptoms that don’t respond to psych meds. Thyroid conditions, B12 deficiency, severe vitamin D deficiency, severe magnesium deficiency. Again, this is all well established medicine. It’s wise to get a thorough workup if you’re dealing with psych symptoms especially if the meds aren’t working. Basically, I would be surprised if the “established medical community” didn’t have more to offer you. Yes, it’s much easier for them to prescribe a popular psych med, but they’re counting on you to be the squeaky wheel if that’s not what you need.
Anon
I agree with most of this. I absolutely think there is a link between physical and mental health. I just don’t think we are there yet, and I particularly don’t think the testing of the gut biome is there yet at all.
Lana Del Raygun
I’m pretty sure gut health tests are basically Theranos for your intestines.
Anonymous
I pretty much agree. A way to spend a lot of money before you see a gastroenterologist who has you do an elimination diet anyway.
Housecounsel
Lana Del Raygun, best comment ever.
anon
I was thinking about bringing this up–I would recommend the book “Cultured” for background reading. She points out that what we call “probiotics” a huge and varied category–we wouldn’t say, “I left an animal babysitting”–is it a tiger? a hamster? a human teenager? And your doctor wouldn’t say “take pills”, even though pills might actually help with anything from a headache to cancer.
However, there is a preponderance of evidence that gut biota is important to our health, and what we eat is very important–I haven’t read extensively enough yet, but basically varied veggies are great, and highly processed food or a terribly restricted diet is not. I totally believe that healthy eating is going to be the key to helping what western medicine has not been able to help me with yet.
anon
Book recommender responding to myself–for what it’s worth, I’m trying everything else at the same time, and what ever works, I’ll stick with (if I can). I’m not implying anyone shouldn’t trust doctors–I’ve just gotten frustrated with my own chronic issues.
Anon
My therapist recommended that I take probiotics to help with anxiety. I figured it wasn’t going to hurt anything to start taking them. She also told me to avoid CATS — caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, sugar. (This is super hard to google because you just get things about feline diets.) I don’t smoke anyway, but I definitely do feel better in terms of depression and anxiety when I’m not eating junk food.
tazdevil
Oh, “CATS” is an acronym. I thought your MD was trying to get you to avoid cats (as in meow!)
Anon
No, thank goodness! :)
Chronic Career Girl
I take probiotics daily to help with my fibromyalgia. It helps me quite a bit, but on a purely physical level. The only improvement in my mental health is that when I’m less sick, I’m less stressed and anxious.
Anon
Do you have a specific brand of probiotics you use? I’m frustrated with my chronic condition, which may or may not be fibromyalgia.
Anon
I think they’re interesting but people who have done those types of tests get wildly different results, even when repeating the tests. So I think the results are probably not something to be relied on other than for casual amusement, but still take it with a grain of salt. If you do want to improve your microbiome, you can probably do it regardless of what the test says.
anon
My psychiatrist told me about multiple studies (some in mice?) showing white sugar consumption is directly linked to the observable symptoms of depression and anxiety. I have found these reflected in my experience.
However, that (maybe apocryphal?) research saying sugar is as addictive as cocaine may also be true. I don’t have any direct experience with other drugs, but I have had a heck of a time breaking my candy habit. So I don’t know how good it would get if I really sustained a truly sugarless diet.
Anonymous
Microbiologist trained PHD here – to comment on the microbiome test, I haven’t extensively researched this area as I haven’t been in the microbiology field for a few years but from talking to other trained microbiologists, we are unfortunately at the infancy of understanding the link between gut health and other systemic/mental health links. Just in the past few years we have developed super sensitive and cool technologies to measure our gut microbiota and we are mostly in the finding associations phase of research, but haven’t really hit the therapeutic/intervention stage yet. So we can measure associations with certain species of bacteria between sick and healthy people for various diseases, but we (the medical community) don’t quite know what it all means yet. That hasnt stopped many companies from trying to monetize the gut microbiome area. Other than fecal transplant and a few other treatments for some rare skin disorders, I am not aware of any clinically approved therapies or diagnostic tests (animal studies are nice but not compelling) based on measuring your microbiome. So while it may be super interesting to know what kind of microbes you’ve got floating around your gut, anyone trying to sell you something doesn’t have the science to back it up. Hopefully that is rapidly changing as it is very clear that our gut microbes are doing way more than we previousy thought!
Anonymous
Thanks for weighing in; this is really interesting!
Kon Mari Tidying
After reading the book and watching the tv show, I’m going to attempt to Kon Mari my clothes this weekend while switching out winter for spring & summer. Has anyone done this? I worry that I’ll get rid of something and in a month or so I’ll wish I didn’t. I don’t plan on shopping to fill the gaps in my wardrobe because I know I have more than enough clothes. I feel anxious about the process, which I recognize is ridiculous!
Carrots
This may not be in the spirit of Kon Mari Tidying, but when I do big clean outs like this, I usually hold on to the items (out of sight, in a bag or something) for a few weeks before I make the donation. Then if the time goes on (whatever the allotted time was, 2, 3 months, whatever) and I haven’t even thought of it, I donate it.
Anon
I have gotten rid of so much stuff over the years and have only regretted about two items. And when I think about those two, I think I got rid of them because I liked them better in my head than on my body.
If you don’t feel good wearing something, let it go.
KonMari Addict
This! It’s freeing when everything in your closet is stuff you love.
Anonymous
I did it just recently but rather than just hold the clothing and ask if it brought me joy, I made myself try on everything and ask if *wearing* it brought me joy. Turns out I had been holding on to a lot of things that I liked the look of on the hanger, but the clothes didn’t fit me, they weren’t comfortable to wear, or they fit but they were not flattering (called attention to parts of my body I don’t want to emphasize). I would not do it without trying things on, (although it does take more time). If I hadn’t tried things on, I would have gotten rid of things that really work and kept things that really didn’t. It was very freeing to pare down my wardrobe to just what looks good on me and feels comfortable (I was ruthless and got rid of easily 50% of what I owned, but I was also way overdue for a big cleanout) and also discovered that some silhouettes I thought were tried and true for me – like wrap dresses – don’t work for me any more. I have lost weight in the last year but have some perimenopausal shape changes going on and need to buy clothes with less waist emphasis than in the past. It was really helpful to discover this (and accept it) as I would have just continued buying what used to work for me, instead of what works now, and been frustrated when I “couldn’t find anything to wear.”
Walnut
After purging from my closet, I put my donate pile in the trunk of my car. It usually takes me a month or so to actually make it to a place to donate which gives me enough time to dig out any items I later regretted purging. In many years of routine purging, I’ve only pulled back one or two items.
Anonymous
Good for you! Please come back and post a success story update for motivation. I need to do a big cleanout, but it gives me massive anxiety even thinking about it. I have clothes I haven’t worn in a year, and they need to go.
Anonymous
I purge at the end of a season, not the beginning. So a few weeks ago, I purged my fall/winter clothes because I had just lived through those seasons and knew exactly what I wore or didn’t wear and how I felt about it. I’ll probably do a spring/summer cleanout in October.
If I try to purge at the beginning of a season, I always have too much optimism about things I like but don’t wear- This is the year I’ll go to outdoor events and wear cute sundresses every weekend! I need all of these thick wool sweaters because we’ll definitely get a month of snow in the south this year!
At the end of the season reality has set in and I’m happy to let them go.
Anonymous
Not really and I weeded out about 8 trash bags full of clothes. Just be mindful of the items that are highly specific.The only item I regret is a formal-ish shrug that I only wear for evening events.I can replace it but that’s the only item. The relief of looking into a closet of only items that fit and make me feel good is so worth it. Its been a year or so and I need to do it again.
Anonymous
I’ve done this too, and regretted it (with a cocktail dress I hadn’t worn in a little while, but was a great basic piece I should have kept). The one thing I don’t really purge is formalwear, unless it’s way out-of-date or flat-out doesn’t fit anymore. I don’t go to many formal events but when one comes up, it always seems to come at a time when I have no free time to shop for a formal dress/suit, and for me finding the right thing for a formal event takes time. I keep about five formal pieces I can mix and match for events and then I don’t stress when the invitation/work requirement comes along.
Anonymous
Also, my husband actually held on to two of my bags thinking I would want some of the things in them, without telling me. I did not and was irritated when I found the bags in a closet a month later.
Pale Girl Snorkeling
Try everything on! If it doesn’t fit right, look right, or even feel great, off it goes. It takes longer, but in the end you will feel better. My closet had so much less stuff and I felt so much better about myself after I purged everything this way. Letting go of things that might fit someday was such a relief in so many ways. It does take a while and I took several weekends to do my initial purge.
Ariadne
I have konmaried my closet a few times, and kept the items I don’t wear much, but which for some inexplicable reason, I have the need to see and try on every few years.I keep those items in a storage box, and go through it every so often.
I live in 1200 square feet, and I don’t have a closet overflowing with clothes. I know I should let go,of the dress I wore in Paris, and the abstract art skirt that I wore lots 15 years, but still like to “visit.” Eventually I let go of these items, but my process is very slow, and I have a good memory, and do remember every item that I’ve let go of and regret — maybe just two over the years. I’m a sentimental person, and I don’t push myself to let go of things I may use ore like. I figure I will let them go when I’m ready, and they sit in the holding zone for a while. I have reached into this pile to wear, but only occasionally.
Anonymous
As long as you are guided by the “spark joy” principle, you will be fine. I KonMari’d my entire house and regret giving away exactly one thing. It was a sentimental object that really did spark joy, but I got rid of it because I wanted to fit all my keepsakes into one container. I don’t regret purging any of the things that didn’t spark joy.
DLC
Apartment therapy has method I like called the “outbox”. The idea is that if you are having a hard time getting rid of something you put it in your outbox, so you are not physically getting rid of it yet, but you are mentally getting rid of it, thereby releasing yourself from the object. Then over time, the outbox will get full and I take it too Goodwill. Yes, there are times when I’ve pulled things out of the outbox, but more often than not, I realize that I don’t want the thing as much as I did when it was staring me in the face every day.
https://amp.apartmenttherapy.com/a-simple-step-to-success-set-up-an-outbox-january-cure-assignment-4-198802
anon
+1. This is what I do. I didn’t know there was a name for it.
Worry about yourself
I do this too, I put clothing I think I’m done with in space bags and put them away, then I take the space bags out maybe a year or so later (doesn’t have to be a whole year, I’m just lazy), and go through it. If I’m like, “oh, I forgot I had this!” then it might go back in the drawer; I’ve also dug stuff out of the bags if I suddenly have the urge to wear something in them. If I still want to hang onto it, like if it’s one of many t-shirts with sentimental value, it goes back in the bag (I’m aware of the quilt thing). If I’m like “oh, yeah, I can’t believe I haven’t gotten rid of this already” or “yeah, I guess I’m done with it,” then it gets donated or recycled. I never fully empty the bags but every time I go through them I end up getting rid of most things.
Pale Girl Snorkeling
Yes! I always keep one in my closet and if I put something on in the morning that I then decide doesn’t fit/look good, it goes straight in the box. I usually take a box to Goodwill every couple of months
Anon
How do you battle the “it doesn’t look good now because it doesn’t fit but if I lose 5/10/25 lbs it will look great!” line of thinking? I’ve only had actual success clearing things out for good if (1) decide I never WANT to be X size again, or (2) decide I wouldn’t wear it even if it did look good again (because my style has changed). Suggestions?
Shopaholic
I take it out of my closet and keep it in storage. Start actually working towards your goal of losing weight and give yourself a time frame. so for example, I want to lose 10 pounds, if I actually try, I can lose at least a pound a week. In 6 months, if those things don’t fit me, or they don’t flatter my shape or whatever, they go.
Anon
Thanks, this seems like a reasonable way to get started, which is the hardest part!
Anonymous
Any recommendation for furniture stores/showrooms in the DC area (though willing to drive an hr or so in any direction) if you like the real wood, classic American look? I know of Greenfront south of Richmond (though haven’t been to its smaller location in Northern Va yet) as well as Warehouse Showrooms. Both are expensive though for furniture that’ll last forever, I’m willing to pay — though I’ll take cheaper suggestions if anyone has them. Supposed to be a nice weekend in DC, so I wouldn’t mind going out for a few hours to look for a few pieces I need.
joan wilder
Have you looked at Room and Board. They have a 3 or 4 story store inside the District.
Anon
Check Random Harvest in Old Town. https://www.randomharvesthome.com/ I’ve never purchased anything from them ($$$), but I’d seriously move into their showroom if they’d let me.
Don’t forget about cherry blossoms. I don’t know where you are the DMV, but traffic downtown has been nuts the past couple days, and I imagine with Saturday’s 73* high, there will be hundreds of thousands of tourists on the mall.
If you feel like going for a real road trip, Kilmarnock Antique Gallery in Kilmarnock, VA (about 2 hours south of here) is voted the best antiques store in VA over and over again for great reason: it’s huge, their prices are reasonable, and their items are lovely. (I have more recs in that area if you like to antique hunt for bargains. There’s one house with 5 barns on the side of a road that is stuffed to the gills with every type of dresser, dining table, sideboard, rocking chair, mirror you could ever want – and the guy is more than willing to deal – for prices that are so low you almost feel bad.)
Anonymous
Thanks for mentioning cherry blossoms. I totally forgot (and thought the rush was for peak — isn’t this early?). Maybe I’ll save Room and Board for another time — maybe a good idea to head to Greenfront since that pretty far out of the city off 66W or I could go to the original one outside of Richmond though IDK if a nice day means I want to go through 10 football fields worth of furniture!
Anon
Peak bloom is supposed to be Monday! It seems early since it’s been so cold, but the trees were noticeably pink-brown when I drove by the basin this morning.
Anonymous
Not the OP, but I’m interested in any and all good antique hunt for bargain recommendations near DC!
anon
Miss Pixie’s downtown & Community Forklift out in the burbs are awesome places to visit for unique antique furniture.
Anonymous
Virginia Wayside Furniture in Richmond. The showroom is just a big messy jumble of stuff, but they can order you just about anything at a range of price points. They have everything from Stanley to Stickley. We just go in and describe what we are looking for and our price range, and they pull out catalogues. Everything we’ve bought there has been discounted substantially off the list price. I would call first and ask if they are having a sale.
Anonymous
Thanks. I’ve been wanting to make a trip down to Richmond (lived there many years ago and wanting to visit the old stomping grounds but just haven’t had a reason). I think I found the reason.
anon a mouse
Creative Classics in Old Town (very close to Random Harvest; you could do them both in an afternoon). They have a great selection on display and even more that they can order for you — they work with all the major manufacturers. Definitely talk to the salespeople if you don’t see exactly what you are looking for. Prices are good too — we found a higher quality chair there than the similar one at Crate & Barrel, for a nominally higher price.
Anon
Anyone know if IKEA will take things back over a year? Say, like 2 years? My space cadet mother purchased everything she needed for an IKEA kitchen ($5k), never “got around” to installing said kitchen, sold her house, and hasn’t had any luck selling it (for half price) on FB/Craigslist. :head desk:
Cb
Oh no! Suspect IKEA won’t take it back but maybe worth asking your local branch of Habitat for Humanity?
Senior Attorney
She could donate it to Habitat for Humanity and take the tax deduction and come out pretty well, I think.
And also? Ouch!
Mpls
I’d call/email to ask. You’ll probably have a better chance if it’s still a line/model they still sell.
Anonymous
Try Nordstrom? Just kidding. IME, when people try to sell their stuff on Nextdoor/FB/Craigslist, they price it way too high. Maybe try lowering the price on including a note about accepting the best offer? I think that ppl think that because they paid X for something, is is then worth N% of X when they sell it again. That’s not how it works. Your stuff is only worth what someone will pay for it. I hope that this helps your mom unload her stuff and get a bit of money. It probably won’t be anywhere close to $5K tho
Anon
+ a ton to all of this. You’re not going to get your money back on this purchase so it’s not worth trying.
Anonymous
Apartment furniture help — moved out of NYC where the apartments I lived in all were small but had a LOT of storage (built ins usually). Now in N. Va. — much bigger apt. but no built ins because I guess they expect people to have their own furniture. So I kind of don’t know what to do with my stuff — things like books, paperwork you need to keep etc. Recently had to buy a new TV (as the old one stopped working) and it’s a touch bigger than my current TV table, so as I’m looking at media centers (small ones — not what you’d put in a huge SFH where you want a media room), I am noticing that instead of media centers what I like are buffet servers meant to go in a dining room. They seem to be the right height that you can put a TV on top but then have solid doors usually with shelving inside that could be good for storage of random things. Any reason I can’t re purpose a buffet server to a media center? Like would it look super odd and would people notice right away?
Getting both isn’t an option as I’m in a one bedroom and don’t want to be overwhelmed by furniture and I also am buying keeping in mind that there could be a move back to Manhattan at some point so I need things that wouldn’t overwhelm an apartment there. (And while I know people say throw it away or sell it if you want to move — if I spend $$$ buying decent quality furniture, I’d like to be able to keep it and not toss it in 18 months or sell it for $20).
Anon
Can you mount your TV to the wall and put floating shelves underneath if you need the storage? I’m also a fan of storage ottomans/benches for things that don’t need to be displayed
Anon
I’ve used dressers or sideboards as “media centers” in every home I’ve ever lived in.
Anon
+1. Definitely go with a dresser or sideboard or whatever floats your boat. I don’t think I’ve ever purchased a piece of media furniture – dressers hold so much and are always useful! Bonus: you can usually find them inexpensively on FB!
ATL rette
I also live in a 1br and wanted a tv stand with more storage, so I got a vintage buffet/server thing and LOVE it. Highly recommend going that route. If you have a lot of corded electronics, you might want to look at more traditional media centers, but I just have a TV so the cords go down the back and it works just fine.
Anonymous
If people do notice, it will be in a good way—oh, what a lovely buffet she has in place of a boring generic media center.
Anon For This
Venting… My boss is on vacation and forwarded me an email he received about an urgent insurance/compliance issue that needs taken care of before we can go on a jobsite. I can manage most of the information, but I need information out of the job quote and I don’t have access to that. I asked our Operations Manager for it and he more or less blew me off about it. I let him know that this was a pretty time-critical issue and he got rather snarky about it and said he couldn’t do anything until he looked at the whole job and was sure this was actually required information (it is. It’s for an owner-controlled insurance program.) Throughout the entire conversation, he also called me “hon,” which absolutely grinds my gears.
This is a common occurrence with this person. I handle payroll/compliance for state and federal construction projects and every time I try to head off an issue, he ignores me and then we have an even bigger issue. I’ve told my boss about it. I’ve been very polite but firm in my dealings and what needs to be done to be sure things are done right. I’ve made it clear that I’m making these requests not to be a b!tch, but to keep our noses clean and to make sure we meet very specific compliance requirements but nothing seems to work. I’m ignored or talked down to, every. single. time.
For the record, this guy is younger than me and tends to be a control/power freak. He made our former receptionist cry — he never even had to deal with her and threw an epic tantrum because she sent a call to his phone and he was “too busy” to answer calls. FFS, that’s what voicemail is for, but he pitched a fit and had the poor girl in tears. He is also next in line for our GM’s job when he retires (which could be within the next year.) I’m not looking forward to the idea of working for this person and am already putting feelers out for something else.
I need this information from him ASAP, but I know he’s going to drag his feet and when we can’t get onsite because we don’t have our required insurance information in place, it’s all going to get turned around as my fault. I’ll gladly own up to things that are my doing, but not this. Not today.
Anon
Can you go over his head?
Anon
+1. Go over his head in a firmly worded email. “Boss, we are currently waiting on ___ to take ___ step. ___ was informed three days ago. I will follow up with you as soon as ___ completes the task.”
Anon
Ugh, he sounds like a total d!ck. I second trying to go over his head.
Anon
At this point, I’d email him and cc your boss and the idiot’s boss. “Per our conversation I need the x in order for y so that we can timely respond to this thing and be able to work …I need this immediately or we are at risk of xyz”
Anon
Get his objections to doing his job in writing, let the thing lapse if it’s in his control, forward emails to your boss.
Anyone who called me Hon at work would get this and more. But first they’d get a firm “don’t call me Hon.”
Anon
Anyone who called me hon and acted like this would get a firm “don’t call me hon” as echoed above as well as an HR report.
OP
OP here — I may have to go over his head. If I don’t get any information in the next hour or so I may have to go to the GM and ask for the quote. I’m weighing my options. If I do this, it’s going to create quite a war in this place and I will be all but guaranteeing I’ll have zero cooperation in the future from the PITA ops manager, but they pay me to do a job, not sit here, take his crap and look pretty. (The longer I’m sitting here waiting, the more pi$$ed off I’m getting!)
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Anonymous
In the future you can box him into providing responses by sending polite emails requesting the info vs. making phone calls. If he ignores, you just do a follow up email, then escalated by forwarding the follow up email and noting that no reply was received to the initial or follow up email.
Part Time Arrangements
I’m curious — Ladies on part-time schedules in billable environments, how do you enforce / what kind of systems (assignment systems, workflow management, partner relstionships, client relationships) does your workplace have in place for enforcing your upper limit of hours? Are your rates fixed at a certain step or do they continue to climb year after year — relatedly, how do you keep being in demand all the while pushing back on more than X (where X is 20 or 30 or 35) hours of work per week?
I guess being paid hourly would be a start, but do you get paid at a higher rate if you go above your agreed-upon part-time hours? Does the assignor pay your portion of salary out of their pocket, keeping them in check? Is there a centralized assignment system that can ensure (more or less) a lower workflow than full-time? What if you have clients directly contacting you for urgent matters (probably more likely in corporate, rather than litigation)? How do you manage communications with clients on your “off” hours?
My Biglaw firm has no part-time policy to speak of, other than maybe 1 or 2 attorneys on unicorn-ish “staff” attorney positions with set hours that only provide back-office functions (database building, no billable work) and with no option to go back to full-time work afterwards. Female senior associates have been leaving in droves after having kids and the firm is trying to transplant female associates from other firms in light of this “problem”, and may be looking at different options for part-time (although change will probably be slooooow), but until they adopt a policy, “accomodations” are rare and made on an individual basis.
Exacerbating the situation is that the firm is a talent-pool system (so random people can assign associates onto their cases) with no set teams, and does not have a centralized system for keeping track of who is super busy and directing workflow away from them. (I regularly bill 250+/month and have for the past few years, all the while having to push back on 2-3 new assignments every week, and I’m exhausted… probably will end up leaving if I can’t work something out.)
I’m trying to imagine a part-time arrangement I could propose (hypothetically) down the road since marginal utility in working full pace is low after maybe the 7-8 year mark (assume no possibility of lateralling or partnership due to market conditions — small market not US), but have a hard time imagining what could ensure that it is indeed part time (think more like cap of 25-30h/week, not 80%) in such an environment: Agreeing to take on only 1 or 2 transactions at a time? Having an agreement to work with only 1 or 2 practice heads? Having assignors pay out of their own pocket for your salary? I think some overtime is inevitable, especially on transactions, but thinking this particular environment is conducive to overwork even on a part-time schedule (no centralized staffing system, and wondering what mechanisms could counter that.
cbackson
This is a difficult thing to do and I don’t know a ton of people who have done it successfully. Working only with specific people is likely essential, TBH. If everyone can give you work, everyone will.
Wedding guest
Dress code help, please:
4:00 pm wedding in San Diego. Venue is a park, but dinner and dancing indoors to follow at a nice resort.
No clues on the invitation or wedding website.
Specific suggestions especially appreciated — willing to buy something new, and I’m pear-shaped.
TIA!
Anon
What time of year? I’d definitely wear wedges given park location. And probably a sundress made from a fancier material. I think searsucker would be perfect.
Anonymous
Seersucker is for daytime, so not appropriate for the reception. And just not done on the west coast, at any time of day.
Anon
If you are attending an event you go with what’s appropriate for the first. A 4:00 wedding is certainly daytime. Guests aren’t required to change because the couple chose two locations that call for inconsistent dress.
Anonymous
No, guests are not required to change, but I would not wear something as glaringly “daytime” as seersucker to an afternoon wedding with an evening reception. A print silk dress or c’tail dress would be more typical.
Lana Del Raygun
Can you just call/text the bride and ask?
Anon
Likely everyone will wear cocktail dresses.
Senior Attorney
+1
And make sure you have shoes you can wear on grass — wedges, flats, or block heels — at least for the ceremony. And keep in mind that it can be chilly at that time of day all through June so bring a wrap.
Anonymous
I attended a June wedding in San Diego last year, around that time. I went for a black jumpsuit, black heels, and a tweed moto. The guests were in a mix of cocktail dresses and sparklier dresses, across the board really. San Diego seems to be a chill place.