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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Scoop Neck Woven Shell

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I think this snakeskin print is a fun way to do neutrals. This sleeveless crepe blouse is a great basic for layering under sweaters and blazers. I would wear this black, gray, and white snakeskin with a black blazer and a bright pencil skirt or under a black or gray skirt suit. It’s machine-washable, but I’d keep it out of the dryer. The top is $39 and available in sizes 1X through 3X. It also comes in six other colorways. A straight-size version is also available. Scoop Neck Woven Shell This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.5

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357 Comments

  1. I thought the conversation about one and done vs having multiple kids the other day was really interesting – thanks to everyone who chimed in. Not the OP but am thinking about number 2 and it was very insightful. Not trying to re-open that entire conversation but one theme that kept coming up was that having more than one kid meant a more kid centric life. We are thinking about having another one and that comment surprised me. Anecdotally and from an outsiders perspective our friends with just one tend to be way more kid centric – they are less likely to go to things if kid isn’t invited, kid is more likely to join the adults at a casual get together vs kids playing on their own while the adults hang out, etc. since so many people made the same comment I was curious if they could elaborate on what they meant by kid centric.

    1. I dont think you need to have 2 children to become kid-centric. Personaly, I would become kid centric even with one kid, b/c I am still waiting to find the right guy to marry and impregnate me. I am not about to wait to long any more; if a decent guy steps up who wants children will marry me, I am all there, and will make sure to do my best to get things all sewn up, not only for a quick wedding and for getting pregnant toot suite! YAY!

    2. I think what people mean by kid-centric is actually not contradictory with what you said: If you have one you’re more likely to bring your kid along to whatever YOU want to do (international travel, upscale restaurant, friend outing, etc.) whereas with two or more kids, the kids become the focus and you’re more likely to choose Disney for travel, casual restaurants, meeting friends at the park instead of a mostly-adult gathering, etc. I don’t think it HAS to be that way and I definitely know people with 2-3 kids who do all the things they enjoyed pre-kid, but I think it’s harder to drag two+ kids along on an adult-focused trip or outing and so most people with two or more kind of give in and embrace the kid stuff, at least for the relatively short phase of life when you have a kid under 5.
      Activities become a big thing in a lot of families in elementary school – if each kid does even one serious extracurricular, that’s going to suck up a lot of your time. If you have two, I can see the family life revolving around kids activities much more than with one. You can also make a choice to restrict activities though, so again, it’s not entirely about how many kids you choose to have.

      1. I think this is spot on. Also, I have also noticed that my friends with one kid who is older – that kid tends to get along with adults much easier. Example – our 9 y/o nephew was the only kid at our destination wedding and he was so well behaved and got along with the adults so well I don’t know if anyone noticed there was a kid there. (And he wasn’t sitting in a corner on a tablet or anything – he was present.) He’s just so used to going along on the adult activities. Anyways, that’s just one example and not the rule, but I think it highlights the point well.

      2. FWIW, I came from a family of 2 kids and have a family of 2 kids and have never ever ever been to Disney.

        1. Ha! I am an only child and went to Disney three times between the ages of 4 and 11. Haven’t been back since, though.

        2. This. I went to Disney once in my entire childhood. We took my kids this year for the first time because a trip there with the grandkids was what grandma wanted for her 60th birthday. My 5 year old hated all the noise and crowds but keeps saying he wants ‘pizza in Italy at the beach’ whenever I ask what he wants for dinner because he loves Italy (we’ve been three times since he was born).

        3. Yeah, nobody is saying that 1 = no kid activities every and > 1 = only Disney for the rest of your life.

      3. Yeah, this is what I think it means too. It’s also the reason that only children are often kind of “old” for their age or precocious – they spend way more time interacting with adults and adult behavior than do kids who have siblings.

        1. I think that that is true generally for oldests as well.

          OTOH, some parents with onlies really baby their kid to crazy degrees that parents of >1 don’t. E.g., if your kid can feed himself and use utensils, you let them feed themselves. If they can use a knife, you don’t cut up their food. [Probably because you are dealing with a younger kid who is more needy, so you do more what needs to be done, not what you could do.] My SIL cuts up my nephew’s food and he is in middle school and is of typical kid ability. Maybe she doesn’t seem him as able to do it well (or as well as a grownup can), but compared to little kids, he probably has adequate skills and the ability to develop them further.

          1. Ugh can’t stand when parents hobble their typical-ability kids like that. Your 12-year-old doesn’t need Mommy’s help to cut up a piece of chicken or to use the bathroom at the library. 12-year-olds have served in wars, FFS.

          2. Haha, I have an only child, who is 4, and my husband does things for my kid that the kid is totally able to do himself. Like you said, there’s not another, needier child around to take away the attention. For my husband, I think it’s just faster in the moment to do something himself, or something becomes routine/habit and he never thinks, “maybe I don’t have to do this anymore.” It drives me a little nuts. I’ve had a few gentle conversations about it, and it gets better for a few days. My husband does the bulk of the day-to-day parenting tasks, and I’m not ready to change the division of labor over this issue (yet), so it persists.

            When I was in college, I spent a weekend with a friend’s family who had 10(!) kids (8 adopted) between the ages of 5 and 19. The parents were both pediatricians. Sunday morning, while the dad was already gone and the mom was cooking breakfast while on the phone with the parent of a sick kid, the 9 kids living at home got up and got themselves dressed and ate breakfast and went outside to play and wait until it was time to go. The 5 year old ironed her own dress!

          3. I am regularly astounded by the things my Girl Scouts are never asked to do at home – put dishes away, wash dishes, very basic cleaning tasks like wiping down a table. They are 11!

      4. Yes, this. There is also a lot more noise and chaos with 2 kids. It’s happy chaos, but it definitely changes the dynamics of the household. ll. Even though my kids are a bit older (5 and 9), it still feels like somebody always needs something. We don’t do as many extracurriculars as many families, but we still do a few — and yeah, that can eat into your time pretty quickly if you let it. Pretty much everything is planned with our kids in mind. You can argue against that approach, but the truth is without some outside help, it’s hard to pull off a more adult-focused life.

        1. I think you can set your own tone for “chaos” in a household. I would not describe my house as chaotic at all (I had twins). I do agree outside help is a must with a dual-career household.

      5. When I was in DC, even as a single person with no kids, my lifestyle was sliding towards kid-friendly by my early 30s b/c even though I didn’t have a kid, my friends did. And if I wanted to stay friends, I had to meet in the middle, as Maren Morris would say.

        What I loved: holiday open houses that ran the afternoon, so you could come and go (or they could) and you’d see people and get to hang out a bit.

        What I didn’t: people who bring their table-cloth grabbing kid to a restaurant with table cloths. Y’all: practice restaurant manners at home. If it doesn’t go so well there, it won’t go better elsewhere (but still: practice is good). I can totally meet you at 5 for dinner at Chili’s at Fair Oaks vs trying to go out somewhere spendy in DC. Or if you want a good steak, I can totally cook that and bust out the crayons.

        1. Ha! I love this comment. Also in DC, also approaching mid-30s, and yeah, there’s a lot more drinking of good wine and eating of good food AT HOME. It’s just easier. The kids can chill in the playroom, and the adults can eat their good steak from the McLean Butcher.

        2. When I was a kid, my parents went to a fancy, tablecloth, steak restaurant in our hometown for special occasions. They firmly told me it was a grownup restaurant. They took me there for my 13th birthday, and it was special. That said, my parents grew up poor and never went to restaurants (which were less common in the 60s anyways), and they weren’t well off when I was a young child, so not taking me to fancy places was not a change from their normal and wasn’t seen as a deprivation.

          I have an only child, who is 4. I think there’s value to practicing restaurant manners in restaurants that are a step up from Chile’s. We’ve taken ours to a neighborhood Italian place with white tablecloths and real glassware and reasonable prices at 5:30, when we were the only people in the restaurant most of the time we were there. The restaurant also has a kids’ menu, which can be an indicator of whether children are welcome.

          We love entertaining at home, especially when there are other children. My only child is MUCH better behaved when there are only other adults around than when there are other children with him. With other kids, there’s a whole class clown/performance dynamic, and with certain friends, they try to outdo each other on wild/terrible behavior. It will be a long time before we venture to a restaurant with that combination of kids again.

      6. It seems like people on this board are changing their lives too much for their kids. My parents did, of course, hold back on some things because of the two of us, but they also didn’t see us as a giant pain and went on every trip, to every restaurant, etc that you can imagine. Now that they’re “empty nesting”they’re going on some of those trips by themselves, but have said (genuinely, not just comforting us or something) that they would have liked us to be there. My parents were also first generation immigrants, had no family in the US etc, but you don’t have to put your life on hold for your kids, especially once they’re not super young.

        1. I don’t think you get to decide what’s too much for any family but your own. And frankly, I don’t think in these discussions there has been complaining about the lifestyle, just describing it. Everybody gets to make their own choices.

    3. We have three and I don’t find we are more kid centric than my sister who has one. We actually don’t have more extracurricular time than my sister who has one but is very devoted to his activities. For example, all three kids swimming lessons, soccer game and skating lessons happen at the same time (F/Sa/Su respectively). They are old enough that usually only one parent has to go and we take turns but sometimes we both go so we can have a coffee and chat and watch them together. We have no extra-curriculars M-TH. We pick places that allows the timing for that to work. They are in a less formal soccer program that just has one weekly practice and game session combined. My nephew is in a more formal soccer program with three weekly practices and one game.

      We still do a lot of international travel (like 1-2 trips a year), but that’s a cost decision – we drive a 10 year old Suzuki vs our neighbors new Audi who also have three kids but vacation on domestic road trips.

      We also do a regular weekly date night with a babysitter which has been good for our marriage. My sister doesn’t have a regular weekend night babysitter and they rarely do date nights because she feels guilty for leaving out their kid. My youngest boy is also BFFs with an only child and they also seem to have the same view that they are ‘leaving out’ their child if they do adult activities.

      How ‘kid-centric’ your life becomes is mostly a consequence of your lifestyle choices. Especially once you are out of the baby years (like 2 under 2 is hard but that is a very short period). At like 5 kids, there’s only so much you can do to make it not-kid centric but at 1 kid vs 2 kids? That’s mostly parental choice.

      1. I agree with this. I also wonder how much of it is that the people who don’t want to do many kid activities only have one, when those who want to embrace that life stage have multiple kids.

      2. +10 to your last sentence — you are the grownup here. You get to decide how your house is run, how tidy it is, etc.

        My kids’ daycare had 8 kids in the baby room and if they could be respectful and orderly and clean I figured that was OK to have as the expectation at home. Cleaning up is part of any activity. So is volume control.

    4. One thing that struck me is how $ was such a big factor in only having 1 kid. In Europe, where healthcare is highly subsidized / free / nationalized and universities are so much less expensive (so no crushing student loans like here) and daycares are often also subsidized (and maternity leave more generous and much more time off), people actually have fewer kids in cities than people in the US. So maybe we are not looking at the right things if people where those things are solved for STILL have fewer kids than we do?

      1. The US is more religious and religious people have more kids.

        Also, employment matters. I would love six months of paid leave, but would vastly prefer 12 weeks of leave and a job to return to than no job at all, but if I had a job, I would get leave.

        1. Huh? Most people in the US have 2.X kids, which is not really the sort of thing I envision when I read “religious people have more kids.”

          We are still below replacement rate, just Europe is much, much lower (although with the migrant influx, perhaps numbers on the continent are changing?).

          2. Religiosity and Fertility in the United States: The Role of Fertility Intentions
            Sarah R. Hayford and S. Philip Morgan

            God’s little rabbits: Religious people out-reproduce secular ones by a landslide
            By Jesse Bering on December 22, 2010
            Scientific American

            Religious people have more children because they’re more traditional
            Discover Blog

          3. Beyond that, you don’t understand statistics. I was talking about relative rates of subgroups; you countered with a total rate of all groups.

          4. You’re right: it’s just all sister wives and duggars here. I will hurry back to churning my butter now so I can birth my 10th kid by early afternoon and them homeschool them all and teach them to sew only skirts with very long skirts and re-create Elaine Bennes’s hair from Seinfeld.

          5. I think that whatever the US fertility rate is, even though it is above 2, it is below replacement rate considering 1) not enough to replace old people who die and 2) not enough to replace people b/c not every birth survives to even get to be an old person who dies.

            I don’t quite understand all the ins and outs, but I think we had better invent an adult-diaper-changing robot b/c we will be needing them as we get old and not able to care for ourselves.

          6. The United States fertility rate is 1.8 per Google, so below replacement (2.1) rate.

            Guam and American Samoa have the highest rates (still 2 and change), followed by South Dakota and then Utah (at 2.12). All other states are <2.1.

      2. My in-laws are European. Some places like France and Switzerland have only three month maternity leaves so women quit their jobs because there is very little support and almost no infant childcare available outside major cities. So while part-time preschool may be free from age 3, that doesn’t do a lot to keep women in the workforce. In places like Germany, Austria, Sweden and Norway, there is a right to part-time work and many women basically stay home or only work part-time because the entitlement is there, the result is a lot of judgment about working full time if you have more than one kid. I know directly from my SIL that there’s a LOT of judgment about working moms. She only works part-time as a doctor as was basically discouraged from working full time while her kids ‘still need her at home’.

        Also, in Germany and Austria you are required to put your marital status and number of children on your resume. If you have more than one kid, good luck getting an interview.

        1. I didn’t even get a 3-month maternity leave.

          But if you aren’t juggling work / medical care costs / student loans, then I’d definitely have >1 kid. If the first kid is what kills your career, it’s not like the second would kill it more. You can only lose maternal income once.

          1. But even with a 6-8 week leave, it’s possible to find infant childcare. It’s extremely rare for a daycare centre to take infants in Europe and there’s a lot of judgment for going back to work under a year or two.

        2. I CANNOT believe this about requirement to put marital status and number of children on your resume. Do men also have to do this? I am going to read into this now. Mind blown (not in a good way)…

          4. OMG — birthplace and religion, too!? Is this to help stereotype and discriminate? Might as well have people include a headshot, weight, and measurements.

        4. A good friend lives in France. She doesn’t have kids but most of her local friends do, and she said they mostly take 12 months for maternity leave (possibly some of it is unpaid) and when they return to work the kids can go to publicly-funded daycare (creche). You definitely don’t have to be 3 years old to be eligible for it. So I don’t think your statement is accurate at all, at least as far as France is concerned.

          2. France has a higher birth rate than the US (1.9 kids per woman vs maybe 1.8ish here).

          3. What you cited is the government-mandated minimum. Just like in the US, companies can and do choose to give more (I had 14 weeks paid, even though the US government does not mandate paid maternity leave). My friend and a lot of her friends work for a big, multi-national corporation in France so I assume their company might offer more than what is legally required. I know my friend gets 10 weeks of vacation time, even though the government only requires 5.

        5. That’s a pretty sweeping generalization. I’m from France and lots of my friends have kids and careers. Not to deny that there are challenges – same as in the US, really! But they either have daycare (state-subsidized, private or in-home) or pay for nannies or get help from their family or various combinations thereof. France also offers an extended maternity (or paternity) leave known as parental leave, and while it’s definitely not great for your career, I know people who successfully took six months to a year (by law, your employer must keep your job open, although some do so more graciously than others). At least in France, I’ve never encountered that much judgement about working parents and most of the moms I know work, but like everywhere, it’s also region and social class-dependent. And the free kindergarden starting at 3 helps, although people often still need some kind of aftercare.

          1. My experience is that this is a particularly significant problem in Austria/Germany (I lived in Austria and have spent a great deal of time in Germany) – I’ve not heard about the same issue in France.

        6. In China, you’re also required to put on your resume your marital status, number of kids, and age. If you are single in your 30s, and do not have any kids, good luck trying to even get an interview. Most employers will assume that you will take 9 months off to have two babies soon and won’t hire you.

          Also, China changing the one child policy to two child policy actually hurt women even more. Now employers assume that instead of taking 4 months off for one child, a woman will take 8-9 months off for two kids.

          The government initially changed the quota from one to two because of population growth slow down and to encourage parents to not abort baby girls. But this plan inadvertently also hurts women, because more women are now expected to be stay at home moms, more resources are given to the male child, whereas before parents who had only one girl was stuck with that girl and had to pour all of their resources to her. Now parents are pouring the majority of their resources to a son, girls are still getting aborted, albeit at a lesser rate. It also does not help that the policy has an exception for rural areas, where people are still limited to having one kid, but if their first kid is a girl, they are allowed to have a boy (not vice versa).

        7. And don’t German kids have short school days? Like Monday-Saturday, 9-1? That seemed like a pretty easy way to keep women out of the workforce. I’m a very free-range parent, but I don’t think having an unsupervised 6yo for four hours a day sounds feasible.

          1. Yes. Short school days and a lack of substitute teachers in most schools which means that if the teacher is sick the kids are often sent home.

        8. Germany has a particularly weird problem.
          Daycare is state subsidized and i hear that women in the former east went back to work and it was normal, but in “modern, wealthy” times such as now, there is a race to pick-up kids early almost as a form of virtue signaling.
          Of course, picking your kid up at 4.30pm is incompatible with working full time, so it is after school nannies and the like.

          +1 with the weird expectations to list marital state and other irrelevant details on the resume and a general acceptance of topics that most American workplaces would consider legal risks

    5. My only child prefers to play with kids if there are other kids around, so what you described hasn’t really been my experience. She’s also really good at independent play, so we can entertain childless adults for an evening without the conversation revolving around her. We’ve never felt like “oh life would be so much easier if she had a sibling to entertain her” because she entertains herself really well.

      Here are a few ways I think my life is less child-centric than my friends who have two:
      -When my husband does something with our child I’m alone and can do my own hobbies and vice versa (and it’s a lot easier for one parent to take one kid somewhere than two)
      -Grandparents are more willing to take one child than two, and more willing to take older children than younger children, so we have more opportunities to get away as a couple
      -You reach every stage of independence faster than you would if you had a younger child, and having a more independent child makes your life less child-centric. My daughter now attends drop-off birthday parties, and soon will have sleepovers and go to summer camp, and all of that is childfree time for me and DH.
      -Once my daughter was 18 months or so, we were completely done with the demanding pregnancy/infant corridor. My friends who have two pretty much all started TTC #2 by the time their first was 18 months, if not sooner (we’re all in our 30s) so they didn’t get to enjoy having their bodies and lives back the way I did when we all emerged from that physically and emotionally demanding period.

      1. I think this is a really insightful comment and totally agree. I’m on the other side- just went from 1 to 2, but I see how all of this is true.

    6. I think it’s easier to bring my only child places because our lives have never revolved around her entirely. Like yes, we do kid-focused things but we also never stopped going to restaurants or traveling to places we wanted to go. It’s way easier to fit one kid into your pre-baby life than multiple children. That being said – we do plenty of things without her too, things that wouldn’t be possible if we had more than one. My husband and I take a vacation every year just the two of us – my parents probably wouldn’t want to be with two kids for a week while we’re gone but they can handle one just fine.

      1. I have three kids, but now have two away at college and one (substantially younger) at home. It’s kind of like having an only child. We definitely integrate the “only” into our adult lives a lot more, and we frankly live more adult lives than we did when we had three at home. We were definitely in divide and conquer mode for more than a decade. Now, my husband and I actually do things together. I love having three and am so glad I did, but can’t argue with the posters who say that it’s much easier to remain in an adultish kind of existence if you only have one.

    7. We have an only, but he has several friends who have one or two siblings. It seems like when we are at his friends’ houses and talk to their parents, there’s just a completely different focus in their family life – and that was especially true when the kids were younger, like from ages 3-8. All family vacations were to something kid-friendly, like Disneyland or Universal Studios. They ate out only at kid-friendly restaurants. Weekends were taken up with the kids’ sports or other activities; not a lot of time was available to do anything the adults wanted to do or even whole-family activities (especially in the families with 3 kids, it seems like the entire weekend is the adults dividing-and-conquering to get each kid to all the various practices, games, parties, recitals, etc.). Even their houses are different – it seems like once you have more than two kids, especially, the house just gets taken over with toys, sports equipment, kid-size furniture, etc. And I have had several moms tell me that especially with 3, they are basically never alone. Like never, not even in the bathroom. I am an introvert and knew I needed to NOPE out of that. If I don’t get alone time I get anxious and depressed. I also like my own hobbies and interests and the moms I know with 2 or 3 kids seem to have very little or no time to pursue their interests – which is probably just temporary, but I do notice all the dads seem to hang on to their hobbies regardless. And also daycare is a consideration – it seems like the choice is to spend an exorbitant amount of household income on daycare or have someone stay home. For us, with one, daycare wasn’t cheap but it didn’t break us. I would say that’s the same with college savings – saving for two would definitely require a lot of reprioritization.

      All this is fine if this is what people want, but my husband and I knew it wasn’t for us. We have only done one truly kid-centric vacation (Legoland) and the rest of our vacations have been whole-family-can-enjoy trips where our son also got to do cool stuff (robotics camp, learn to surf, childrens’ museums, etc.). Our son is in one sport (which he is pretty serious about) and one other extracurricular and that takes time but it doesn’t take over our weekends, especially out of his competition season. If we had more than one, I would want that child to have just as much access to activities and extracurriculars, but most likely that other child would have different interests and so we’d be “dividing and conquering” also. We did kid-friendly restaurants when he was young but as soon as we could, we introduced him to sushi, Thai food, French restaurants, etc. Not that you can’t do that with more than one child but what I’ve observed is that there seems to be one very picky eater in each family that has to be accommodated; maybe we got lucky but our kid was never that picky and ate anything we ate from an early age.

      I think it’s great for people who really love kids and don’t mind reconfiguring their lives around parenting to have as many kids as they want! If all families are one-kid that will cause problems down the road for the workforce and continuing things like social security. I just wasn’t the mom who was going to be happy and successful having more than one child, although I was the poster who said I do have some regrets, sometimes, about not having another one. But I also try to know my own limits and I know deep down that another child would have pushed me past them.

      1. “We did kid-friendly restaurants when he was young but as soon as we could, we introduced him to sushi, Thai food, French restaurants, etc. Not that you can’t do that with more than one child but what I’ve observed is that there seems to be one very picky eater in each family that has to be accommodated; maybe we got lucky but our kid was never that picky and ate anything we ate from an early age.”

        This applies beyond picky eating. With an only child, if you luck out and get a well-behaved, adaptable child who can handle “adult” places and experiences at a young age, you can tote the kid along. With two or more children, even if you get one of these kids, you probably won’t be able to take advantage of it because you will always have another child who is rambunctious and difficult. As the parent of an easy kid, I am not foolish enough to think that my parenting had much, if anything, to do with it. It’s 99% a genetic lottery.

        1. I have two, and my kids have gone to sushi since day one. Mainly because we weren’t willing to give up sushi, but also because our one rambunctious child (and you are so right about it being a lottery) absolutely loved sushi and “If you can’t behave, we’re leaving” was great leverage to keep him in check.

          At 16 years old now he is still the biggest sushi lover in the house.

      2. I seriously do not get this: I have never been to Disney. I don’t want to go. I don’t like waiting in lines and I get motion sick on spinny rides and that would be true regardless of family size. We travel the country and go hiking and camping a lot. I’d be doing that if I were a maiden aunt or had 4 kids.

      3. I can’t go to sushi, Thai, or real French restaurants b/c in our family, my husband is the picky eater. :( I go at lunch with my work friends.

        1. Seriously! And with toddlers, it’s socially acceptable to bring snacks to a restaurant, so you can actually eat wherever you want, regardless of what your kid eats.

      4. I’m the OP and I agree about needing to nope out of that no alone time action. I’ve heard moms say (here and elsewhere) that “you’ll have no time to yourself when you have kids” or “you’ll never go to the bathroom alone” and “all hobbies on hold for both parents” and that’s just not what I’m signing up for. Having one seems like might produce a reasonable chance of a balanced life, although I know moms online who make their own interests and hobbies work with more than one. I really appreciate all the perspectives.

        2. Oh, I find that “you’ll never go to the bathroom alone” just complete nonsense. You can teach your children early on that they can amuse themselves while mom is in the bathroom or the bedroom with her book. Or that mom is reading her book in the family room while the kids play quietly on the floor. I find this whole “you’ll never go to the bathroom alone again” completely tiresome and mommy-martyr-ish. Unless you have a special needs child or something like that. I had infant, toddler, preschooler, and school-age twins and I certainly went to the bathroom and took care of personal hygiene as needed. So did our mother’s generation, btw.

          3. Counterpoint: I’m 31 and still walk in while my mother is in the bathroom. It’s her fault really, she leaves the door half open, which is odd but less awkward than you’d think – their bedroom suite is on the main floor of their house, has a seperate hall, bathroom door can’t be seen from main house, and it’s a large room such that even if she’s in the bathroom, I can’t see if she’s using the facilities or doing hair/makeup/etc until I’m physically in the room. Sometimes I’m walking in to get a q-tip and sometimes it’s because I ask her a question and she responds so I charge in. Oops? My dad, thankfully, shuts the door AND the pocket door leading to their bedroom area so no incidents in that regard.

          4. Your experience is not the experience other people have had. Just because their experiences are not your experiences, that doesn’t mean their experiences are “nonsense.” I would think someone who posts on this board would be able to grasp the nuance of that.

          5. I have a special needs kid and I agree with Lauren B that this is mommy-martyr. We do not have locks on the doors (because we were worried about him getting locked in) but my son understands “get out and close the door” just fine. If I had a typical kid, I would lock the door and let them whine on the other side.

          6. I don’t think it is martyr-ish. I don’t get to go to the bathroom alone, but it’s because I don’t think it’s that big of a deal for my kid to see me do it so I never make him leave when he comes in. It’s probably good for him to see it happen since he’s not potty trained yet? Anyways, I have definitely joked about not going to the bathroom alone ever, but I’m not really complaining…if I cared a lot, I would tell him to get out, and I think that’s probably true for most people.

          8. Eh, I know a woman with two kids, ages 10 and 8, no health or developmental issues, who harass her when she’s in the bathroom. She complains that she “can’t even take a #!*( in peace,” but that’s because it was cute or “they needed Mommy” when they were kids, and now, she can’t or won’t undo a decade worth of training.

          9. Late to this, but my friend recently mentioned to me that he was about to make a job offer to a woman who is currently a SAHM.

            I told him he didn’t have to pay her, just tell her that if she works there she can go to the bathroom by herself.

    8. I don’t have kids, but I am the youngest of 3, and my siblings are a 10+ years older than me, so I felt like an only child in our house starting at age 7. I find a lot of these comments interesting, because I really want more than one child because I felt really lonely growing up. I begged my mom to have another kid (which she said no to because I was already a “surprise”), and while I was really good about playing with myself, I am really jealous of my friends’ relationships with their siblings (which I know isn’t guaranteed). We went on more “adult” vacations, and I could read by myself in the back of a car for hours, but I want to have at least 2 kids close in age because I felt like I missed out on a lot in my childhood. I never fought with my siblings, but I don’t feel close to them either.

      1. I hear you — I have an older stepson who is functionally an only (and was an only for 10 years on both sides of his family). He has two younger half-sibs who love him to pieces but I know that he was lonely as a kid. His sense is that onlies are ignorable by grownups (they could just be busy cooking dinner or whatever) and actual human interaction was hard to come by. And then there was the smothering: “You can’t play football; what if you get HURT?!” He thought that would have let up a bit if it wasn’t an all your eggs in one basket situation. He got a lot of “It doesn’t matter what kind of surgeon you are; Mommy will still love you” expectations put on him that would be nutty in a household with more children to spread the adult neuroses around.

        1. I’m one of four and got the crazy. The issue is the crazy and toxic, not the number of kids.

          1. I think that there is a subset of neurotic that manifests itself easily with only one kid and gets pushed aside with more than one kid. Like you just have to let go of that “living my best family life” nonsense. I know some overachievers with one kid who are forever going on with how #perfect #gifted #accelerated he is (and maybe he is, who knows?) but that just does not happen with more than one b/c the nonsense just has to go.

          2. No… the problem we had was that so long as one kid was shining, they could ignore the other raging dysfunction. “Look at Rachel! She’s #3 in the class and runs a 5:35 mile! Look at what an amazing family we have.” Lot easier to browbeat me into performative submission than to fix the drug-addicted brother.

        2. I think this is just stereotyping, honestly. Most of my close friends and I are only children and none of us felt smothered or had our parents cutting our steak at age 12. And there are plenty of ways neurotic parents can do harm when they have two or more – like comparing the kids negatively to each other.
          And fwiw, I have two kids. They’re both girls but if I had boys there’s no way they’d be going anywhere near football. That’s good parenting, not smothering.

    9. I have one 16 year old and agree with you completely. My friends with more children, particularly 3+, cannot possibly be as involved as parents with only one child. I have often thought that it is a good thing for my daughter that I am so busy at work that I truly do not have the bandwith to read her texts or log into her grades more often than a mid-term glance.

      1. I feel like my job is about 3 kids’ worth of drama and neediness; actual children would be easier (but they won’t help me pay the rent).

    10. I’m a mom of two and I actually have found that my friends with singleton kids are more likely to have their child be the center of their home life than my friends with two or more kids.

      I absolutely love the vast majority of these kids (all girls, because that’s how I know them, they’re friends of my oldest daughter) as if they were my own kid, but they’re now 18 years old and generally do not have the life skills they really should have by this age. And that is squarely because their parents (let’s be honest: their moms) have done every little thing for them since day one.

      A couple of these girls didn’t fill out a single form for college application. One wasn’t even sure which colleges “she” had applied to. They don’t drive because mom drives them everywhere. They have never had a part time job or babysitting gig. One kid couldn’t do sleepovers in elementary school because she slept in her mom’s bed every night. They turned in elaborate projects in school because mom did them.

      There is something to be said for the skills kids in multi-kid households learn because their parents simply don’t have the time to do everything for them.

      If I can be helpful at all to moms with singletons, it’s to stop the coddling. Have your own life. Let your child try and fail. Your kid is more capable than you think she is!

      1. I know literally dozens of only children, including myself, and these seem like very extreme examples. I agree onlies probably get more parental attention than other kids and more parental attention is not always a good thing, but I don’t know anyone who wasn’t driving at 16, didn’t do their own college apps or couldn’t go on sleepovers by elementary school. I feel like it’s very socially acceptable to make fun of only children as spoiled and coddled, and while there might be a *grain* of truth in these stereotypes (as with many stereotypes) it’s wildly exaggerated in most cases.

        1. What can I tell you. These stories are about four of my daughter’s very close friends.

          1. Do their mothers work full-time? I can’t imagine giving even one child that much attention while juggling a full-time job.

          2. Their moms varied. Most went part time or work from home when their kids were born.

            One of the moms is an attorney and she quit for a while. She said “I figure if I’m going to go to all of this work to have a kid, I should at least raise her.” Which I thought was a pretty obnoxious thing to say to me, a full time working breadwinner mom.

        2. Also for what it’s worth, these girls were raised smack in the middle of the “attachment parenting” fad.

        3. As a counterpoint, my only child first grader is the only kid her age I know of who is allowed to walk her dog alone in an extremely safe neighborhood. Numerous women with much larger families have expressed their horror to me about it, and basically told me I’m a terrible parent who isn’t adequately supervising my child. Moms in general are waaaaaay more protective of their kids than when we were growing up. It’s not unique to only children and, in my experience, some of the most overprotective parents are women who went straight from high school or college to a husband’s house and a full-time role as a wife and mother and now have 3-4 kids. If you’ve never worked outside the home or lived alone, it makes sense that you’re a little less independent and more fearful of the world and that rubs off on your kids. In my area at least, there’s a strong correlation between employment status and number of children (generally, working moms have 1-2, SAHMs have 3-4) and women who work seem to have a more independent attitude that they apply to parenting as well.

        4. Only child here and +1 to this. If anything, my high school friends who were younger siblings were the ones who weren’t driving at 16 because they could rely on their older siblings for transportation. Both of my parents worked, so they needed me to be able to handle my transportation. The only reason I didn’t have my license on my 16th birthday was that my birthday was on a Sunday that year. I was at the DMV when it opened the next morning. I started babysitting at 10-11, did my own college apps, was cutting my own food as soon as I had the motor skills to handle a knife, etc. Being an only child and 90s latchkey kid forced me to be independent pretty early on.

        5. FWIW, I see a lot of kids not getting their license on time these days. Affluent kids, who’d get a car. But what’s better than a car? A driver.

          Like they get their license maybe a year later? Maybe 6 months?

          I got mine by noon on the day I turned old enough.

          1. I think driving a car is an important life skill, but I’m not 100% sure my kids are going to be driving at 16. High school is biking distance, there’s no parking for students, there is public transportation all over our city, and (controversial opinion) I wouldn’t be averse to allowing her to use rideshare. It’s not as “necessary” as it was a generation ago, especially if you live in a more urban area. Also the insurance is very expensive.

        6. I know some spoiled children who are one of three, and not-spoiled kids who are onlies. I think it has more to do with their parents than the absolute number of kids. Honestly, I view my job as a parent to raise independent adults who are able to interact with the world, and there are some parents who view their job as carefully curating/keeping their kid away from the world. It’s also not a working mom/stay-at-home mom split either.

      2. LOL, I’m an only child and I had my college applications filled out and ready to submit before my parents even knew what I was doing. Your anecdotes are definitely not the truth for all, or even most, only children.

        1. Same. I refused to even tell my parents where I was applying to college. Once I had acceptances, I let them know where I wanted to go. One of my best friends is an only child who started college on the other side of the country at age 16 and didn’t go home to visit until the following summer. All of us were from two career families though, and I think that’s an important point. I can see it being very easy to smother an only child if you don’t work (but I think pretty much everyone reading this works, a lot of us in very demanding careers).

        2. You are probably a college grad already. I bet Varsity Blues is pretty common everywhere now (the parents’ over-involvement and picking schools / filling out forms; not the bribery, but only b/c parents don’t have the $ or connections, not that they woudn’t do that too).

          1. Yes, the moms I’m describing would have absolutely been tempted to do that had they the means and connections. I know this is true because we talked about it.

      3. I have an almost three-year-old son and he will most likely be an only. I actively worry about doing too much for him as he grows up and coddling him to the point of disfunction. I saw how my much younger brother was raised (really, as an only) and am seeing the fallout my parents are dealing with now as a result of coddling and spoiling.

        From the time my son was one or so, one of my mantras became “I am your mother, not your maid.” I’ve been working hard at showing him that taking care of our home is a team sport. He can clean up his toys, put away his clothes, put away his clean dishes and silverware, puts his used stuff in the sink and hamper. Last week he started making his own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. We’ve implemented the rule that he can bring things when we go places but he has to carry them.

        This is not to say that I think I’m a parenting wizard – I’m so far from that. And I also know that the jury is still out on if this method will work because he’s not even three yet. It is something that I’m trying to be intentional about with little things so we can add more to his plate and he’s not blindsided by adult responsibilities when the time comes to him to assume them.

        1. I had my kids >35, so with a non-insignificant Down Syndrome risk. I read about it and trying to prepare a kid of limited intellect for independent adult living (especially since they may outlive you) and that colored my thinking with my non-DS kids. If you can do it, I should not be doing it. It is unlikely for someone to do something well without doing it poorly first. If they do not get to try, they will never learn how to do something. To fail is to try.

          Still: trying to teach left-handed kid how to tie her shoes in a bow knot.

  2. Yay Elizabeth! I love Fruegel Fridays and the fact that this same blouse is also available at Nordstrom’s in regular sizes for only $39! Great Pick!

    I have been so busy that I have NOT been able to read the p’osts until late in the night if at all; our firm is getting so many WC claim defenses that the manageing partner is thinking of bringing on another attorney to help me. He said people must be getting clumsier on the job, or just trying to shake down their employers in NYC, which are building more buildings then ever. We already have enough supermarket cleints, and now are getting referells from their insurance companies from many small to larger construction cleints. We don’t have the real big construction cleints, which go to other firms (thru their insurance carriers, who don’t do the actual litigeation like I do).

    So if we keep getting all this work, the manageing partner will be lookeing for another female associate (our last one did not work out, unfortunately, as she and I parted ways over what the manageing partner said we should be doeing on certain cases — she is now at a mid-size NYC firm where she is doing MED MAL defense).
    Anyway, I forgot to let the hive know that Myrna finished the marathon, but not for more then 5 hours b/c she stepped into a pothole in Brooklyn, and had to stumble her way for more then 3/4 of the race. She wanted to figure out if she had any legal rights, but I think she had none, b/c of the waver she signed. She said she will only run a marathon when it is not so crowded, so I do NOT think she will do NYC any more. Anyway, HAPPY FRIDAY to the HIVE! I am staying home until 11, then going down directly to the courthouse to meet the manageing partner and the judge for lunch! YAY!!!!

  3. I’m visiting Budapest and have a very early flight home (6am).

    Does anyone have any experience scheduling a taxi in Budapest? I’ll be alone and it’s such an early ride (3:30am) that I feel kind of uncomfortable

    1. I would ask your hotel to arrange a taxi for you, they should know a reputable taxi company.

        1. Call a hotel and ask who they recommend for a taxi. Or if there is one nearby, stop in and ask the concierge who they recommend. You don’t have to mention that you are not staying there. You could also check the airport website if they have specific taxi companies noted.

          I often send emails in a cab if I’m nervous as emailing and texting look the same, so you’re visibly in contact with someone.

        2. You’ll likely have more safety issues in an Airbnb than in a cab. The inability to ask a concierge for safety tips is one of them.

    3. OP here: so apparently the taxis in Budapest are run by the mob, and I’ve heard they can be sketchy.

      1. there has to be a way to order a reputable car service – is this a question for the American consulate?

          1. Yes, this. OP is being ridiculously paranoid. Taxis in Budapest are no less safe than taxis in any other big city. Please do not be an ugly American and call the consulate for helping in finding a taxi.

          2. If in Germany and Austria you have to disclose marital status and # of children on a resume, I think we are done being ugly Americans.

      2. I took a taxi to/from the airport in Budapest very late/early and it was totally fine.

      4. “Run by the mob” doesn’t mean they attack foreign visitors, it might just mean they commit financial crimes. I can assure you if young white women were getting murdered or raped in Budapest taxis, it would be major international news and no one would ever travel there.

        1. +1 Not to mention, I doubt it’s really that different than the way taxis are run in, say, NYC.

    4. With a flight that early, I would change my reservation to stay in an airport-adjacent hotel for the night before the flight. Even if you have to eat one night of your pre-booked Airbnb, that’s cheaper than buying another ticket home because you missed your flight.

    6. I live in Budapest. You should call city taxi – they speak english – and schedule a cab.

      1. Can’t you just walk into a hotel, even if you aren’t staying there, and ask a concierge?
        I did not find Budapest any different from any other major European city in this regard. This isn’t Sao Paolo where I’d only set foot in a taxi called by my hotel or client.

  4. What are your dog’s favorite chew toys? Mine are heavy chewers and they’ve gotten tired of all their usual toys and have destroyed whatever new I’ve brought home in minutes. (I tried the Bullymake boxes 2 years ago and there wasn’t enough variety, but maybe they’ve improved?) Their favorites used to be Benebones, antlers, and some balls, but they’re bored of all of them. They’ve never liked Kongs. Thanks!

    1. Have you tried boiling cow bones? They’re usually sold wrapped separately at grocery stores that have a decent butcher department. My dog has always loved these. They essential last forever and when they’re freshly boiled (still have good flavor, some cartilage, and some meat) provide for days of fun. Rough simmering water for about an hour/hour and a half, and you’ll be a hero!

    2. This isn’t a chew toy, but I have to recommend the Kong Wobbler. Best 12 dollars I ever spent. It’s weighted at the bottom, so it’s like a punching back that keeps popping up, and it has a small hole in it. I put her dry food in there (along with a few big balls of tin foil), and she has to keep knocking it around to get her food out. It turns breakfast and dinner time into a 15 minute game rather than a 15 second gobble. And its so funny to watch her play with it.

      The chewy thing that has lasted the longest is a yak cheese stick. She takes a while to get through that, although she is probably a more average chewer than your dogs.

      1. Oh man, my dog loves that thing. When he was a puppy he would get super excited when I took it off the shelf.

      2. This thing is awesome, but I once gave my dog her dinner in it and then left the house to go to class. When I came home 4 hours later the wobbler was firmly under the bed, in a place that she couldn’t get to it, with her whole dinner left in it. I felt so bad that we never used it for dinner again. (And yes, I realize a more rational reaction would have just been closing the bedroom door.)

    3. Someone told me that dogs often actually have to be trained not to immediately destroy their toys. I had never thought of it this way before. As for destruction resistance, I don’t know anything better than the antlers they already have.

    5. Bully sticks last the longest for my super chewer and he never seems to get bored of them the way he does other chews

    6. For my strongest chewers, I’ve had the most success with super thick bully sticks. They’re safer than rawhide/bones/hooves (more digestible to avoid intestinal blockages, can’t break off chunks to swallow, not quite hard enough to break teeth) and I’ve never had a dog turn them down. I get the full length ones and pass them out for 20-30 minutes at a time. If your dogs are gulpers, I recommend tossing them when they get down to 4″ or so to prevent choking.

      If you want to try another puzzle toy that’s more interesting than kongs, Orbee-Tuff has some fun options that are very sturdy and safe for very strong jawed pups.

    7. Mine likes woven rope toys- tightly woven soft floss, not the nylon rope. They are fun to tug on between chew sessions, too. But once it starts to disintegrate, you have to be pretty vigilant about trimming off the dangling threads.
      I’ve found anything that will stand up to his teeth very long is hard enough to damage them. And he seems to have an engineer’s brain: he tests the toy until he finds its weak point. So I give him a chew toys as treats, knowing they won’t last more than a few days.

      2. Friends have had good luck with Chews on Belay. Made with upcycled climbing rope so it’s very sturdy!

        1. OP here. Those look amazing! And love the concept! Definitely ordering one and crossing my fingers!

    8. Sadly I do have a recommendation – go to your local discount store (Marshall’s, Dollar Tree, etc.) and buy dozens of stuffed toys for a couple of bucks each. Give them to your dog one at a time, remove the squeaker when the dog chews a hole in the toy, let the dog pull all of the stuffing out and make a huge mess, throw it away when dog gets bored (which can take a long time with my dog – he loves to keep re-killing his already dead toys).

      Obviously this only works if you dog does NOT eat the stuffing and you do have to keep an eye on the squeakers.

      1. Yes. I love Westpaw toys! My dog is not a serious chewer but the toys are very well designed and I think they would hold up and are made in the US.

  5. Does anyone have recommendations for providers from whom you can get a US phone number that you can use while abroad i.e. receive calls from the U.S.? I live in Europe and have a local phone number but I need a U.S. phone number that I can be reached on for an immigration related issue. If anyone has suggestions I would appreciate it.

  6. Apparently my fall/ winter clothing storage included moths – many of my sweaters and tops have holes :( What’s your favorite fall/winter top? I need work and casual stuff, so open to all ideas. My style is classic but I’m open to seeing whatever your favorite/most reached for options are.

    1. For work, I’m living in the J.Crew Tippi sweater (and the equivalent Factory Teddie sweater) and their various swackets. With ankle pants, I’m dressed for the day without thought.

    2. Oh no I’m so sorry. Before you start buying new stuff, are you sure the moths are gone? My friend is going through this right now – she’s using an exterminator that specializes in moths because I guess normal exterminators don’t handle that.

    3. Banana Republic merino-blend turtleneck. I ordered a second color because I love it so much.

    4. If you need to replace some things and you’ve never used Poshmark you might want to try it. It’s great for brands that you know fit you and you can get great deals because the risk that it won’t fit you is minimal b/c you can’t return it. If you need a referral code you can use mine (merrpg) and you’ll get $5 off your first purchase (and I’ll get $5 too).

  7. Does anyone have words of wisdom about transitioning from the non-profit/government sector into the private/for-profit world? My career so far has been at non-profits and human service focused government agencies, but I’m job searching and wondering about where else I could I could look. My skills are in mixed-methods research and evaluation, and I’m seeing jobs that match those skills in health care, finance, business consulting – but I am curious if others have gone in this direction, and have any thoughts about how the working culture, expectations, etc are different than in public service focused organizations. I recognize and am trying to tamp down my bias against the idea of working for company where the bottom line is about making money for shareholders vs. accomplishing some kind of service mission.

    1. Can you share more specifics about the types of jobs or job titles you found that fit your skills?

      1. I’ve been intrigued by some positions at market research organizations like Forrester and Kantar, or consulting groups like BCG. The job titles can sometimes be a bit opaque, but I think I’d be looking at roles in the ‘research manager’/’project manager’ vein. I see lots of ‘research associate’ positions which seem like they are more junior; I’m 10+ years into my career, but would also be willing to take a position a rung lower than where I’m at now in order to learn a new industry.

    2. Oof. Shareholders include people saving for retirement, or for their first homes, etc. Making money for shareholders is a good thing, which helps people to acheive their life goals!

      1. You are right – I’ve internalized some uncharitable thoughts about the corporate world, and I want to be more open minded. Thanks for that good point.

        1. Can you speak more about what uncharitable thoughts you’ve internalized, and where that comes from?

          1. That’s a good question. I suppose it’s driven by what I’ve seen and heard in news, life and culture over the past decade or so. Facebook behaving badly. Amazon and Walmart gobbling up markets. Ideas like too big to fail and that corporations are people too. Lehman Brothers, AIG. CEO pay, the 1%… the example given by a poster below, when the right business decision means evicting a jobless tenant. Mr. Burns tenting his fingers and muttering “excellent” to himself. (OK not so much that last one but it always makes me laugh.) I do recognize that there are plenty of upstanding corporations and individual people doing economically essential work in all manner of corporate/for-profit industries. And non-profits certainly aren’t immune to bad business practices, corruption, and so forth. It’s just something that’s been on my mind as I think about where I would like to go next in my career.

          2. From where I sit (corporate lawyer, no professional experience in the government or non-profit worlds), I think the focus on shareholder primacy has led to too much short-termism and contributed to the rise of activist investing and private equity funds owning everything, which may or may not be a good thing. Research & development, to give one example, are (in my view) necessary activities that don’t necessarily turn a quick profit, so they’re unpopular with a segment of the investing world.

            The poster below who commented that a focus on the bottom line also leads to layoffs also colors my thinking, having grown up in a time where big, publicly-traded companies in my area were frequently conducting rounds of layoffs.

      2. This. Please make me lots of money so my kids can go to whatever college they want.

      3. As a person who has only ever worked for publicly traded for-profit companies, I understand what she’s saying. Companies who are responsible to shareholders sometimes make decisions that are in the best interest of the bottom line rather than the best interest of the employees. In fact, more than sometimes. Everything from changes in benefits to moving to cheaper/smaller office space to layoffs are decisions that are made for the benefit of the bottom line. I have seen all of these happen and they are 100% driven by profit motive and rarely what is best for the staff. I’m not saying the corporate world is all greed and profit, but when you’re responding to a board of directors who is responding to shareholders, the C-suite does things they wouldn’t do otherwise.

        1. I should add that I work for a company with an objectively good mission, good approach to customers, and leaders who are fundamentally good people. They just answer to people other than employees and clients and have to make decisions with that in mind.

      5. To piggyback on this, there are also a lot of shareholders who are large institutions (state pension funds, large asset managers where you and I might have 401ks or IRAs invested, etc.) that are focused on long-term growth and sustainability of companies they are invested in as opposed to short-term value. Not all shareholders are activists who are focused on making a quick buck.

    3. You may find it easier to work for an entity where the “customers” are other companies or institutions, vs. one where the customers are actual people. When the customers are people, especially if the business is healthcare, you may wind up feeling like your work is helping your employer profit off people’s life or death health situations, and that’s not a good feeling if your prior focus was on service or helping people.

      I found that to be the case transitioning from multifamily lending, where we lent money to apartment developers, which were large, corporate entities, to working for an apartment company where the customers were real people. It was hard to keep a “bottom line” focus when to do that you had to throw people out of their homes who were ill, elderly, or had suffered a job loss. It might have been that company, but the attitude towards our renters was very callous and I found it really depressing.

      1. Yes. The OP mentioned research and consulting organizations in a response above, and I think these could be a good fit for a transition. I’ve never worked at one of those companies (I’m a lawyer who started in firms), but my impression from friends who worked at similar organizations is that there’s a broader company “mission” related to providing good service, pursuing knowledge, etc. that can counterbalance the bottom-line focus of some of the specific client projects.

    4. Being very service oriented myself, I’ve found that corporate work just isn’t for me. After doing work where you’re really helping people, it’s really hard for me to care about X inane report/spreadsheet. I’ve worked in corporate environments twice – once in my mid-20s and once in my mid-30s, so it wasn’t just an age thing, but just a mismatch in my personality and what I need and want out of work.

    5. Maybe try going half-way there with a membership association? I work in a financial association and find it to be a good mix of working for the greater good while also a little more corporate than other kinds of non-profits.

    6. Well if that’s your attitude don’t bother. Super self righteous and unappealing.

  8. Looking to purchase a Polene bag. 1. Do folks have any experience with this brand? is the Numero Uno Mini as cute as it looks? 2. Does anyone know of a promotional code?

    1. A friend bought one and it’s gorgeous. I have no useful advice but it looks like it’s great quality!

  9. My small law firm is celebrating several milestones with a weekday evening party in mid-December, in our office. I need to figure out what to wear. I am the most senior woman at the firm, and this will be a networking heavy event, so I want to match the authority and formality of the guys in suits, but still look celebratory. I am thinking structured sheath dress in a saturated color, either with sleeves, or with a non-matching blazer. The twist – I will be 25 weeks pregnant, and will need a maternity style if it’s a structured cut (I have drapey/bodycon maternity dresses and like them fine, but I think they read more casual). I don’t have anything in my maternity wardrobe that fits the bill – daily dress code is casual, I’m not in court much, and this is likely my last pregnancy so I don’t have or need to buy something formal/high end.

    I’m willing to pay up to $100, but preferably less – this is the time to go with rent the runway or another rental option, right? (I haven’t been thrilled with the RTR website – even when I filter for third trimester, it’s still offering me tons of regular sheath dresses which are definitely not going to work). Any specific suggestions? Pre-pregnancy I am a pear-shaped size 10, and even in pregnancy pretty flat-chested. Should I look for something with a little sparkle/embellishment to help it look more cocktail (I am not a big jewelry person)?

    1. OP here. A few things I’ve seen and kind of liked:

      Possibly too cocktail? https://www.asos.com/us/asos-maternity/asos-design-maternity-pleated-shoulder-pencil-dress/prd/9227676?clr=black&colourWayId=15026684&SearchQuery=maternity
      A little boring: https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/madderson_london/selma_maternity_dress 

      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/isabella_oliver/francis_maternity_dress

      Probably my favorite: https://www.asos.com/us/queen-bee/queen-bee-v-neck-pencil-dress-in-red/prd/10760452?clr=red&colourWayId=15137013&SearchQuery=maternity

    2. Here are some RTR options (you have to search maternity, rather than filter by third trimester, as you note, it’s hard to navigate the site). I personally like the last two.

      burgundy: https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/slate__willow/burgundy_maternity_sheath

      Plaid pattern: https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/isabella_oliver/francis_maternity_dress

      Navy tweed: https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/seraphine/kiara_aline_tweed_maternity_dress

      Red: https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/slate__willow/red_maternity_dress

      plaid details: https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/madderson_london/naomi_maternity_dress

      Waist detail: https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/madderson_london/nadine_maternity_sheath

    3. They are running very low on sizes, but the Kym wrap dress from Isabella Oliver. I’m 28 weeks along and I bought it for work and holiday parties.

    4. I really like that first dress but I’m not sure I would personally show a shoulder like that at a work party.

      If you search “maternity c***tail dress” on Nordstrom’s website, there are several under $100 that look like they’d fit the bill. I especially like this one: https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/kimi-and-kai-morgran-lace-trim-body-con-maternity-dress/5089868/full?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=slate%20blue

    5. I actually think a dark dress (navy, dark green, or black) with a structured velvet blazer in jewel tone, and bright but understated jewelery strikes the perfect balance between “I am an authority figure at this firm so need to be suit level formal” and “effectively a holiday party”. The dress you wear can be more forgiving for 25 weeks (loose sheath or high waisted A-line), and the blazer will lay gently on top of the belly, whether open or closed – pro you can wear it after the pregnancy if your arms and bust have not increased too much.

  10. I have an in-person interview for a governmental attorney position, next week. It would be a sort of mid-level GC type role, interacting with outside counsel and supervising or mentoring junior attorneys.

    I am SO STINKING EXCITED. It’s a role I feel like I’ve been preparing for (with academic and professional choices) my whole life…Mainly I would love some good vibes, but also any government-specific interview tips? Hot button issues? Things *not* to say?

    Thanks.

    1. Do not say you want to move to gov for better hours (amazing how often people say that). Do have something very specific to say about why public service is important to you. Do know about the office — look on their website, read their news releases etc. Do seem very diplomatic (careful word choice in describing anyone difficult e.g.). Good luck! You’ll do great!

  11. seeking a comfortable, decent looking walking shoe to change into for short mid-day walk. I prefer fabric or other non-leather and I’m looking for $30 or less, something that will not look horrendous with my winter bus.casual clothes. Is this a Sketchers product? Help, fashionable Hive!

    1. You’re looking for a dirt cheap shoe. Just go to target and try some on. That’s not a reasonable budget to be picky on.

    4. I just use retried running shoes for this purpose. It’s just a fact that they aren’t going to look right with business casual clothing, but it’s also obvious that I’m going out for a walk so I don’t think it matters.

    5. $30 isn’t gonna get you much, pretty much any sneaker I’ve gotten at or around that price fell apart within a year, often less. I’d say go to Payless and get some Champions which they had for around $20, but that store is gone. Sketchers tend to run around $50-60, maybe if you have the right DSW coupon you could get them at your budget but it’s all in the timing. Or maybe if you went into Famous Footwear and bought them with some business casual shoes in a BOGO deal you could get them for 30ish.

    6. Try TJ Maxx/Marshalls-type stores. Clearance or sales at shoe stores could be helpful.

  12. I have a friend who I think has Asperger’s Syndrome. We’ve talked about it here before, but what about when the person has made it to 50 without being diagnosed? She’s very intelligent, excellent with languages, creative in an unusual field. She is convinced that other students our college always looked at her with dislike, disdain, even hate.

    I think she simply can’t read people’s faces. When I went up to her at an alumni thing last week, she stared at me with a complete lack of recognition until I had opened my mouth –even though we had already arranged to meet there and at that time.

    She’s an expat who is in the States for another week or so. The city where she lives now is populated with an ethnic group different from her own, and I think the differences make it easier for her to have friends there. She can’t read their faces as well, or she reads them differently, and it seems to work, so she has a group of friends, from the photos I’ve seen.

    I would love for her to have something to work with, to maybe help her memories of college shift from “have to get away from these horrible people who obviously hate me” to “maybe it wasn’t that bad but I couldn’t tell because of my condition.” To be able to make friends, or learn how to work with people. How can I without a complete rejection along the lines of “there’s nothing wrong with me”?

    1. Maybe she has Prosopagnosia, not aspergers. To answer your question, people aren’t projects.

      1. Yeah, this sounds like me. I’m the worst person to watch movies with because I have no idea who is who once they change their clothes and hair. I also struggled in college with knowing people’s names in class (because everyone sat in the same spot each time), but not recognizing them outside the classroom.

        1. Is that face blindness? I swear I have it. I can’t tell certain types of people apart, mainly salt and pepper haired white men with glasses. I work in insurance. That’s everyone.

          But I’ve taken face blindness tests online and I score well at recognizing celebrities so I don’t know what it is.

      1. This, even if she did have it. But fwiw lots of people without Asperger’s have face blindness.

    3. Omg just stop. Don’t do anything. She’s a successful adult who hasn’t asked you for help. Be her friend not her armchair therapist.

    4. She’s 50 with a job in a creative field she likes, has a group of good local friends (and it’s telling that you aren’t close enough to know this for a fact), and lives in a different country. Nothing you do or say would be helpful. This seems to stem from you wanting her to look upon her college years 30 yrs ago more fondly?
      Leave this alone, you’re being messy. For all you know she was right and just not very expressive. It’s not your right or job to diagnose grown folks who are perfectly fine and try to change them.

    5. Agreed, this sounds like prosopagnosia. I know two people who have it. One walked right past her husband on the sidewalk one day because she didn’t anticipate that he’d be there. Another tries to memorize things like hair color, height, body shape. Both are excellent with recognizing people by voice. What would a diagnosis do? Why do you think she has lingering issues from college? Is she unhappy in her current life? You need to stay out of this, and just be her friend.

    6. I suspect I may have Asperger’s or at least some form of social anxiety, but I don’t see the need to do anything about it at this point in my life. I have a wonderful husband and kid, a few close friends, and am gainfully employed in a job I enjoy. My life doesn’t feel deficient or empty in any way, and from your post I don’t think your friend feels like her life is empty either. I don’t see what the upside to telling her is. It’s not like you need a diagnosis to try to improve yourself, especially as an adult. If she felt bad about, say, her ability to read faces, she could try to work on that. I think the fact that she seems content with her life and isn’t trying to change herself tells you everything you need to know about whether you should tell her about your armchair diagnosis.

    7. What about when it’s a 23 year old random Craigslist roommate who seems fine, nice, but extremely difficult to communicate with or understand in a way that strongly suggests he’s on the spectrum? I’ve resorted to talking to him like I would to a child to keep him calm and focused, and therefore able to have a conversation.

      2. Sounds like you’ve figured out a perfectly good way to deal with your roommate. You should not try to “fix” him.

    8. Okay, I relate to your friend as you’ve described her (except I thought my college friends liked me more than they probably did!), so I’m going to weigh in.

      Plenty of people who aren’t autistic have some baggage from college. If she’s talking your ear off about this, I think it’s completely fair to recommend therapy.

      But you should be aware that it’s very common for people to dislike or be annoyed by autistic women (who are held to much higher social standards than men). It can be hard when you struggle to pick up on social cues to pinpoint exactly the level of negative feedback you are getting. Is it just annoyance, or is it rejection? How much annoyance adds up to dislike?

      It’s common to have had previous experiences of being too trusting, of misinterpreting social niceties as a genuine connection, and of social ostracism and betrayal. You may be right that the people you knew in college didn’t actually hate her (I doubt they were that invested), but if you struggle to get the right read on other people, it is a lot safer to be cautious. And it’s common for microaggressions to feel completely innocuous except to the person who is experiencing them day in and day out. She may be missing some things because of the face blindness, but it’s likely that you are missing some things too.

      It’s definitely a lot easier to make friends across cultural differences, since it’s common for decent people to be generous with difference if they think it’s cultural. If people think it’s something like autism, they more typically resent the difference or pathologize it and demand that it be treated or fixed.

      I’m honestly catching some of the latter outlook from your post. I felt frustrated reading it because I have spent long hours studying faces and facial expressions, and there’s really a limit to how much can be changed. My brain literally cannot process body languages and facial expressions in the time available in a live, two-way conversation where I also have to be processing speech and preparing some kind of response. There is no amount of practice, no drug, and no therapy that will make my brain work the way you seem to want hers to work.

      It’s time consuming work to analyze interactions after the fact, and it’s often distressing to realize too late that someone was probably lying, that someone was probably annoyed or offended, or that someone was asking for something indirectly. My brain doesn’t sort and prioritize sensory data well, and faces are often overwhelming. If my brain is busy processing a thousand other sense objects in the room and trying not to become overstimulated, there’s just a limit to how well I’m going to access the parts that help with facial recognition and link those up to recall.

      If practice made this better, it would just be an obstacle to overcome with 10,000 hours of trying. Neuroplasticity for the win! I cannot emphasize enough that this is not how this kind of neurological difference works. It has absolutely been tried, and the best we can do is fake it better. This is exhausting and intrinsically unrewarding. It usually costs us much more than it benefits us, since the primary benefit is “not experiencing as much discrimination” thanks to occasionally passing. So if you decide to ask her about her neurology, please rethink any assumptions that this will lead to her changing in some way.

      1. I don’t want to make it sound like nothing helps at all. Explicit instruction (think speech pragmatics but perhaps also toastmaters or how to win friends, etc.) can teach strategies and approaches that let people get away with missing a lot of social cues. I think this is true for anyone though. And I just feel really tired if I imagine myself at age 50, with 50 years of compensatory techniques, being asked to take on yet more. There’s a reason why many late diagnosed autistic women choose to mask their differences less rather than more when they realize the uphill battle they’ve been fighting their entire lives!

      2. This was very helpful. Thank you.

        No, of course she hasn’t asked for help. I have not offered help. I just hear her frustration and angst whenever we talk about things, not just college. SO many people offer unsolicited advice all the time, both on this board (DTMFA, Therapy! SSRIs!) and in real life that I’m kind of surprised at the level of hostility my genuine, from the heart wanting to help has generated.

      4. Thank you so much for this description. I think it’s the best explanation of ASD social deficits that I have read and I wish I’d been armed with it when I represented a client who I believe to be incompetent last year (the judge disagreed and it’s a case that haunts me). You did a better job than my experts.

        OP I think there is a significant difference between DTMF and armchair diagnosing someone with a disorder. I would not be offended if my friend gave me relationship advice when I was complaining about an SO. But being told unsolicited by a friend that I had a disorder and should seek treatment would be incredibly hurtful. I concur with everyone else who says she is successful and has not asked for help so say nothing.

    10. If I found out that somebody I considered a friend was trying to fix what they perceived to be some major flaw in my personality or character, I would be so, so hurt and offended.

    11. I’m 30, and the only mental thing I’ve ever been diagnosed with is ADHD, but I do sometimes suspect I may be on the spectrum as well. That said, I hate it when people try to talk to me like I’m some developmentally disabled child who can’t function without lots of help, advice, guidance, and general handholding. It doesn’t make me feel good, or taken care of, it makes me feel very self-conscious and anxious. If I haven’t asked someone for help, I probably don’t want them to be helping me or weighing in on what parts of me need fixing. That said, I do want to know when I’ve hurt someone, so I can take responsibility for my actions, so if you want to tell your friend you were hurt that she seemed not to recognize you until you spoke to her, you could say that. But taking it upon yourself to help fix her will only hurt her feelings unnecessarily.

      1. All I wanted to do was suggest a book or two or some articles to see if she recognized anything that could help her deal with what might be a problem. I do not want to “fix” her, nor am I assuming I can swoop in and save the day and the damsel in distress. I’ve taken personality assessment tests plenty of times to recognize how *I* do things and how *I* react to things.

        1. OP, you are still framing this at least partly as a problem. This doesn’t fall into the category of things it’s nice to bring up because they can be addressed (“something in your teeth”). This falls into the category of things that just are.

          That said, if you are right about your friend, it could bring her some peace to learn more about herself and about how other people experience the world differently. Labels can be difficult and stigmatizing, but it can also help to realize that we’re not “the only one,” that the way we are isn’t a mystery, and that society and its expectations were mostly designed by and for people who think and see things differently, so wonder certain things have been a struggle. So I agree with you that recognition and self knowledge can be helpful.

          If you can let go of framing this as a problem, try looking up NVLD in addition to Asperger’s/ASD. It’s common with NVLD to have exceptional facility with language as a strength, and it sounds like your friend has this strength.

  13. I’m trying to get into running and could use some advice. I’ve done couch to 5k a few times but it never stuck. I’m currently running around 3 times a week, and I’m up to 2.5 mile runs each time (very slowly). I feel like I need to set a realistic but stretch goal to keep myself on track. I have 50/50 custody of a small child, so to make those 3 runs a week happen, I have to be basically perfect about going on all the days I don’t have my kid and also run at the gym on the weekends I do (they have childcare on weekend mornings). If anything goes wrong and I miss a workout, I can’t make it up the next day — I’ve fallen off the running wagon before because I got sick and missed a week, or work got too busy, etc. I want a goal to force myself back on track when stuff like that inevitably happens.

    Would running a half marathon in the fall of 2020 be a realistic goal?

    1. I think it would be realistic if you keep it up consistently, but a 10K in the meantime could help you figure out where you’re at and whether a half-marathon is feeling doable.

      1. I agree with starting with a 10K. Also, try to run with people. That really helps me to show up!

    3. Definitely realistic! Hal Higdon has a 3 day a week training plan on his website – maybe check that out!

    4. I find that putting good money down and signing up for the race helps motivate me. If you’ve never run a half marathon before, or if this would be your first race after having a child, start with a 10k.
      I love running – it’s my stress relief – but I find it hard to carve out time to run especially when I need it most, such as busy periods at work. So the added incentive of a race (it’s fun to run fast, new bling, race shirt) is a nice extra nudge for me. Also, training with a kid at home is not impossible – either run with child in stroller, or do an at-home strength workout after they’re in bed.

    5. I recently started running and I actually find it works best not if I set really difficult goals (I mean, since for me just running is difficult), but if I celebrate anything I do. Instead of worrying about times you miss, think about how every time you’re able to get out there is a time you ran instead of not being active. When you do briefly fall off the wagon, tell yourself you only have to run a half mile or 10 minutes–anything is better than nothing, right? Usually if I give myself a goal of just 10 minutes, once I’ve started I do more.

    6. I just want to chime in and say that some people just aren’t runners and it’s ok if you’re not one. I ran 5 days a week for 8 years in the military and I was never able to run farther than 2 miles without stopping at 9:30 per mile. (I could run/walk 10:30 for 5 miles if I really had to.) I am, however, great at strength training – my body loves it and I love it because it works for my body. Maybe running isn’t the right fitness for you, but something else might be just the thing <3

        1. +1, from a 12:30er.
          OP, run-walk intervals completely reshaped how I view running. Check out Jeff Galloway for inspiration. And seconding the idea of meetups. See if MRTT has a chapter in your area– they’re awesome.

          2. C25K starts that way, but the idea with intervals is to keep doing them, even when you’re at longer distances. I’m about to (hopefully!) do my first marathon and plan to run-walk the whole way.

    7. Do you actually like running? Maybe another cardio focus might be good for you. Kickboxing, dance classes, etc. could work for the same purposes and be less forced.

    8. Surprising no one more than myself, I’ve somewhat become a runner in the past two years. Once I was at your stage for a while, I 1) signed up for a 10K … thought I could never do it … but I did! 2) signed up for a 10 miler about 6 months later … thought I could never do it! but I did! 3) now I’m signed up for a half marathon in 2 weeks and … you know the rest.

      Things that really helped me were
      – investing in nice new shoes that I bought at a running store where they did gait assesment (they were no different from all the other shoes, but they made me feel committed)
      – keeping track of my mileage in a spreadsheet and setting a monthly/yearly goal
      – Runcoach.com for training plans, once you are signed up for a race. It’s 100% customizable to your starting point, goal, what days of the week you can run, etc. The other training plans mentioned here are also good but they were too easy or too hard for me and/or didn’t let me choose the days of the week that worked for me.

    9. Hey! Ran my first half marathon TODAY. You know what worked for me? I just went for a run when I could, at a chill length and speed. I didn’t follow a plan. I just ran, pretty often, but if life got in the way, meh, I’d get a run in the next time . Last weekend, I thought “huh, I should try running ten miles if I’m doing 13 next weekend,” so I did, but that’s really the only time I *forced* myself to hit a specific distance.

      My runs were typically around 1-2 miles when I started and 5-6 miles over the past few months.

      Running attracts type A people. (See: posts about training plans, etc.) It’s okay if you aren’t one. Just go for a run when you can and sign up for a half in fall of 2020 if you feel ready for one by late spring of 2020.

  14. Has anyone else been through the 11 vs. 11 Pro decision and can help me justify the Pro? It’s not a huge difference day to day with the 2-year no-interest financing but the extra $$ feels very indulgent!
    -I like the slightly smaller size (my current phone is the old 6 from 4-5 years ago, and I don’t want to go bigger). The 11 isn’t THAT much bigger but enough that I can’t reach across the entire width of the screen with my thumb… annoying.
    -I work in a skyscraper and have horrendous cell service on my 6, and read that the Pro has better reception/more antennae than the 11 does. Anyone have anecdata to back this up?
    -I’m not blowing up any of my photos to billboard size, but as I find myself using my phone more and more for travel photos (vs. my trusty old camera), I would appreciate having a real zoom vs. just digital.

    2. I just got the 11 (upgrading from a 6S) and the size hurts my hand. If I realized the 11 Pro was the same size as my 6S I probably would have got it. I talked to the reps in the store though and they told me that the camera on the 11 was also awesome, a huge upgrade from the 6S and they didn’t think it was really worth the difference to go to the Pro. I’m still within my return period though so reading here with interest.

    3. Would you consider Android? When I bought a phone last year, I switched. I tried both the XR and XS and ended up with a Google Pixel, mostly because the pictures were very noticeably better (which is very important for me) but also because the size was much more manageable. The XR (which is the same size as the 11) was too big, and the XS (basically the same as the 11 Pro) was a better size but still uncomfortably heavy for how I hold my phone. And the price difference was also pretty nice :).

      1. Thanks for the context but no, I have other Apple products so it’s most convenient to stay with them. As I’m sure they planned :)

      2. I love love LOVE my pixel – the pictures are amazing, a charge lasts 2 full days, and it actually fits in my hands and pockets.

    4. I replaced by 6S (so old!) with an 11 pro in gold. So happy with my decision. The camera truly is amazing. OP, if you have specific questions I’d be happy to answer (or at least try to :) )

  15. I accidentally just saw the offer letter for a new hire for a position similar to mine that I will be working closely with. I don’t know what job title he is being hired at (will find out soon enough), but this new person (a man) will be making 40k more than me. I have fewer years experience (1.5) but a PhD in a relevant field that I use heavily for the job. This new hire has a bachelors (relevant field) with a few more years of experience (5). I’m sitting here at my desk and my heart is pounding. Am I overreacting? I like this job and don’t want to leave. If/how can I use this knowledge in my next year annual review? I got a 20% raise last year, so I know they can make big salary jumps. Assuming we are both good performers (we’ll see how new guy turns out), can I come right out and say – I know new guy is making 40k more than me? Do I need to get a competing job offer to be taken seriously? Dammit I didn’t think was going to happen to me, which is of course naive.

    1. Will just add that the position was advertised at the same job level I’m at, but it’s possible they offered him something higher.

        1. I’m in NYC. I’ll do more research later but appears that there are laws for this, thank you for the suggestion it had def not occurred to me.

    2. Assuming you weren’t doing anything wrong when you saw the offer letter, what’s stopping you from going to your boss now and saying – hey so is my salary going to be adjusted since you’re apparently hiring at a much higher rate? I think it would be weird to sit on this knowledge for months and then bring it up at your review.

      1. I was dropping off a document for someone else to review and the offer letter was on their chair in plain sight. Thanks for the suggestion, I’m going to have to do some thinking this weekend.

      2. Yes, this. I would wait until he’s accepted and starts, so you can confirm his level, but then don’t wait. You’ll stew silently.
        Also, you may want to start looking — if you have to have a competing offer to get a raise, would be good to have that in the pipeline.

      3. I don’t love this strategy. I think you have to first ask for what you want and think you’re worth before you complain that someone else is getting more.

        Definitely ask for more $$ and use this information in choosing the amount you want to ask for. But I wouldn’t start from “you’re offering someone else more” before at least asking for what you believe you are worth.

    3. Allison at Ask a Manager has addressed this before, and I believe her advice is typically to not try to use “but he makes $X” in performance reviews/meetings to ask for a raise, but instead to make arguments based on the value you add (like how your PhD positively impacts the company) and your performance.

      1. I think this makes sense for a routine percentage raise. For a 40k jump, though? I can see why she’s seeking advice. I’m not sure what I would do. Is there a market rate for your skills that you’re being paid well below? That might be the best argument.

      2. Thanks for the suggestion, I’ll take a look at AAM. I’m in biotech (not a startup but still small), so there isn’t really standardization for jobs or salary. I was hired at a salary that was a huge raise for me coming from academia, and then they gave me a 20% raise at my one year review, which to me means they were underpaying me from the start. I think they felt that they were bringing me up to market by doing that. I was super grateful for the raise but even before this new information I suspected (but don’t have hard data) I was still being underpaid by 10-20k compared to a more established biotech company. But I decided to take it and hopefully keep impressing them to get a similar raise next year. New hire guy is coming from consulting so he has good background for the job, but I still feel insulted and not sure what to do. Will certainly start looking around.

        1. Please keep us updated on how this plays out. I am curious to know in case this comes up in my future!

        2. This might be an awkward question, but what’s the percentage difference 40k represents? For example – there’s a big difference between $40k vs. $80k or $400k vs. $440k. The former is a huge deal, the later should be fixed, but is…different.

          I would also say this depends on your boss. I try to be super open with my team about salary (and I have over 100 people reporting up through me, and participate in all of their reviews), and if someone brought this to me I would either a) fix it, because I didn’t notice, especially in the later scenario above, or b) explain why it is, and how we can work on fixing it, or c) explain your path to a higher salary.

          1. Thanks for your input. And fair question – it’s a 40% difference. I make 100k and new guy will make 140k.

        3. Take the lesson from this as negotiate! It sounds like you’ve accepted what they’ve given you each time because it was a lot for you, even knowing that it’s an underpayment of the market rate. Don’t accept that!

          1. I did negotiate my initial job offer (got 10k higher than they offered), but yeah you’re right I didn’t negotiate the raise I got earlier this year. I had essentially been told by my supervisor that I’ll need to take what I’m offered, so I did. I don’t think I was in a super strong position to ask for more at that point, but next time will be different!

        4. This is very interesting to me because I suspect I’m in the guy’s position at my office. Almost all of my coworkers were hired from state offices. Those don’t pay well ($40-50k). I was hired from a federal office in a different state, which pays essentially the same as a decent private firm. Therefore to offer me a raise over my previous job, my starting salary was $100k+. If my office offered salaries based on increasing the previous salary (which I think they do given that they asked me my current salary when making the offer), my coworkers (who had more experience when they were hired) would have lower salaries than me. For better or worse it’s a result of me starting ahead in the race.

    4. There’s a big difference between 1.5 years of experience and 5 years in a lot of fields – “3 to 5 years” is a bracket where someone has usually gotten their feet wet in an industry and takes a lot less investment, and it’s an inflection point for pay rates.
      As a boss, I’ve been on the receiving end of a similar conversation, and I thought the person was a little naive to assume that less than 2 years experience was comparable to the more experienced person. They ended up moving to another company for more money, and I thought it was a good outcome for both of us.

      2. I agree with this. There’s also a difference here in that it sounds like the PhD is not required for the job since the other person only has a B.S. OP, certainly advocate for yourself, but I’d be surprised if the company considers your PhD as relevant work experience the way you’re considering it and 40k for an extra 3.5 years of experience doesn’t sound off base to me.

        1. Well, my position definitely requires a PhD, the new position was advertised as Masters/PhD required, but they made an exception for this person because of his relevant background and they generally just liked him better than the other people we interviewed. But thanks for the perspective Ses and Scarlett, this is what I’m looking for when I’m trying to figure out what to do next.

    5. Undergrad + 5 years is treated similarly to a PhD + zero years in my field, because the assumption is that in those 5 years you will have received on the job training that is better than what was learned in the Ph.D. as it was customized to the actual role and company’s needs.
      Speaking as a PhD myself who was late to the job market, I had many friends from undergrad making more than me (both undergrad and PhD were in the same field). 10 years down the road there is more heterogeneity in where people ended up so the difference is less clear cut.
      You say you have 1.5 years less experience but he has 5 years more experience? This is confusing. But you should assume your PhD is cancelled out by a few years on the job that he has more than you.

      1. He has 5 yrs experience and I have 1.5, so 3.5 years more than me, sorry that wasn’t clear. I had also kind of arrived at the math you suggest, that PhD = 5 yrs experience and so I was expecting that new guy would make within 10-15% of what I’m making, and 40k was just a big shock.

  16. Husband and I are in the very early stages of a master bathroom remodel. The room is a long-ish rectangle, shower only, and we’re not looking to rearrange it significantly — just update the very 1960’s feel and build some nice luxuries into the space. We’ll rip everything out and start from scratch; our taste tends to be classic modern (so maybe subway tile in an interesting pattern, but not much beyond that). I’d love to know any online resources you used when you remodeled a bathroom, and/or bathroom features you love having or wish you had. It’s not a huge room but I’m trying to think of it like a jewel box: something small and lovely and a bit of an oasis in our otherwise crazy life. Thanks!

    4. Houzz dot com is a great source for All The Pictures. And you can narrow your search by room size and shape, budget, materials, and other variables.

    5. Houzz was great for inspiration when we redid our bathroom two years ago.
      Among the moderization we did was swapping out a jacuzzi tub for 3(?) for a deep soaking tub (can still fit two, but no crazy hot tub parties…), changing a small closet to a tower of cabinets, smarter shower set up with a bench and handheld, and picking more muted and tranquil tile. This was our first big remodeling project in a house we’ve had for a few years, so we didn’t worry too much about fitting it in with the res tofthe house, as we figured eventually other rooms will change style too since this is our forever house. It’s a lot of decisions to make, but hope you have a good experience.

    6. electric heated floors (cheaper than I expected to install and run under tile). Game changer.

  17. Hi ladies! I’ve been having some issues with health resulting in wild fluctuations in my weight and so most of casual but still ok enough for office clothes in my closet just depressing me to look at (& I want them gone). I don’t want to put in a box and tuck away for when I’m skinnier again (also mentally depressing) therefore I am going to post a bunch of items to Poshmark(?) (never used before) over the weekend. All bought new, well cared for, good brands. This is just a mental health necessity for me at the moment :)

    Just a heads up for anyone who also likes the following brands and fits the same size as me: I’m heavyset in the middle :) 33 5’6” 215lbs non smoker no kids no pets btw:

    J. Jill (large)
    Talbots (wise range 14-16; L,XL,1X
    Wit&wisdom:14
    NYDJ: dress pants :14
    Athletea: hardly worn (hence weight) L-XL
    Eastern Mountain Sports: XL

    Shoes: splurged on Stuart weitzmans then only worn once or twice; would rather get lowers heel.

    I’m just getting the stuff out of here and building a modest winter capsule while I work on my health.

    Whatever I can’t sell I’ll donate
    Anyway- tx for considering!

    1. I may be interested in some of the items, especially any of the athlete size L stuff and size 14 items. Where are you posting it?

      3. Poshmark – you should be able to find me by looking up username? (Ohloe74)
        I’ve not done any kind of online selling before so feel like a fish out of water :)

    3. I’ll be interested to hear how this goes (or to hear from anyone else who’s been selling on poshmark or similar). I too have been thinking about getting rid of some of those clothes that I’ve unfortunately ‘outgrown’ but am not really sure how to go about it. Would appreciate your tips! Best of luck!

      2. I’ve sold a ton of stuff on Poshmark and it’s been awesome. I now regret everything I ever sent to Thred-Up – ever – because I know I could’ve got so much more money selling it on my own. Happy to answer any questions.

    4. Hi All; I think the website is preventing me from sharing a link. Look me up on Poshmark (username @ohloe74). I’ll be slowly populating with items over the weekend. The J.Jill tunics I’m posting are great; just a little snug on me – could use the XL size. It’s hard to find pictures of some of these items though!

      1. I’ve not sold on Poshmark before, but isn’t it like ebay where you can just take pictures of the item and upload that? I wouldn’t bother to search for the original ad pictures, especially since that doesn’t show the current condition of the item.

        1. yup; and good point. Though everything looks basically brand new so the original ad pictures are pretty close. I’ll take some ‘current’ condition photos and add those to the posting though; thx for the suggestion.

    5. Just a tip – I looked up your page and I appreciate photos of the actual garment, especially if it has been worn, in addition to the photos from the websites.

  18. Friday rant: really ready to cancel people (or in my case, one person) who just always have to have it harder than you. You’re up a pant size and feeling bummed? She’s up two so you can’t complain to her. Lost a grandparent and grieving? That sucks but not as hard as when she lost a relative two years ago. Your job is stressful? Well her job is known to be one of the most stressful positions of all time. Over. It.

    1. I mean, is it an option to stop telling her stuff about your life? With these sorts of people, I don’t go into the negative or positive of my life too much, sticking to weather, and other neutral topics have helped those relationships much better.

    3. I think I did this for a while. I was trying to show I understood and had similar experiences, but it probably came across as one-upping. Try calling her on a specific instance when it happens. “I feel like when you talk about your trouser size going up more than mine you mean that I can’t complain. I’d really like some sympathy here.”

      1. That’s what I did this morning and she responded with “Omg what’s your problem? This isn’t about me” and “It’s hard to relate to you since I’m bigger than you.” It’s really obviously not about me, but it’s annoying nonetheless and the impetus I need to fade out a bit on this fairly toxic friendship. Old habits die hard but this isn’t worth it.

        1. Yeah, but I have to say that complaining about your weight to someone who is heavier than you is kinda a jerk move. I’m not convinced you have the moral high ground here.

          1. Really? I agree with that if someone is a size 2 complaining to a size 20, but I’m a 12-14 and she’s a 16 so it doesn’t seem off-base. I’d be open to other opinions on that though. Also, FWIW, her weight is all she ever wants to talk about and she’s the first to bring it up.

          2. +1. I have a few friends who weigh at least 50 lbs less than me, and I’m hurt every time they complain to me about their weight.

          3. I’m a firm believer that (1) you don’t complain about how much you weight to anyone who is larger than you, even if it is only a size or two, (2) you don’t complain about how poor you are or how little you make to anyone who makes less than you, (3) you don’t complain about a recent breakup to someone in the middle of a divorce, and (4) you don’t complaint about a recent death to someone who has recently lost someone closer (i.e., grandparent, don’t complain if they recently lost their parent; parent, don’t complain if they recently lost their spouse).

            If they ask, that’s fine. But I don’t bring it up.

          4. 780, that’s a little surprising and (I mean this inoffensively), self-centered. People who are doing slightly better than you by your definition still have their own struggles and need to rely on their friends. I think there’s room for tact, but not for blanket rules like you listed. I can’t imagine saying to a friend “oh you lost your grandpa? That’s sad but I lost my mom.” That just seems like choosing bitterness.

          5. I think she’s already told you that it is hurtful to her – she said that it’s hard to relate since you’re smaller. She probably would like to be a size 12-14 while you are complaining about being one.

          7. I mean, fair enough, but then shouldn’t she stop bringing up weight in every conversation if it’s so triggering and hard to relate to? I’m never the one to bring it up, but if I dare respond with “yeah, I’ve felt similarly when ___” or “yeah I’ve struggled with finding healthy snacks as well”, she jumps down my throat.

          8. Anon at 11:43 – I use these as less about who should discuss problems with me, and more about who I should complain to. So, if I’ve just been dumped by the guy I’ve been seeing for 3 months, I complain to my friends in happy relationships or single, not those who are in the middle of a divorce. Or when I lost my grandfather, I decided not to discuss it with the person who’s parent is currently going through unsuccessful cancer treatment.

            If I know my friends are having serious problems, I don’t want to burden them more. To each their own, but that’s how I approach my friends. I think of it like the comfort in, dump out model of support.

      2. I think the difference is in the phrasing. “I feel that, I went through something similar” versus “don’t even talk to me about that, I’ve been through worse.” The first is an attempt at empathizing, the second is just dismissive and rude.

    4. When one-uppers say things like this, I try to reframe it as them trying to identify with me. It’s obviously coming out all wrong, but maybe they’re trying to empathize by telling you they have also gone through it. (I fully recognize they are totally annoying– just trying to help you deal with it.)

    5. Try to figure out of she’s one-upping you or badly trying to bond.

      And… please don’t talk about “cancelling” people. Humans aren’t cable subscriptions, and the cancel culture is a deeply toxic movement.

      1. What OP is describing is not related to cancel culture at all. She’s looking to tone down or eliminate a personal relationship because she doesn’t get along well with this person. Cancel culture is refusing to support a public figure who has done something harmful to an individual or group. They are totally different situations.

        1. She shouldn’t use the term “cancel” in this manner.

          And no, that’s not what cancel culture is. It is destructive and toxic.

          1. “A variant of the term, cancel culture, describes a form of boycott in which the called-out person is also thrust out of social or professional circles — either on social media or in the real world or both. They are said to be ‘canceled’.”
            From Wikipedia, because Merriam-Webster doesn’t define it yet.

            The word “cancel” can have different meanings in different contexts and people are allowed to use it even if you have a weird bias about one particular use of the word “cancel”.

      2. I’m the OP and I actually agree that the larger cancel culture is toxic. However, I used it in a semi-joking quick rant on a fashion blog and I’m not rallying the social media masses to berate my friend. Maybe tone it down a notch yourself?

        1. Maybe understand that it’s not a funny or lighthearted thing when people lose their jobs and have to have police intervention in their lives?

          2. No, that’s what “cancel” means– cancel culture is about shaming people to the extent that they lose their jobs and have to have police protection. That’s what it means to “cancel” someone. It doesn’t mean just ghosting them, shading out, pretending they don’t exist– cancel is an active destruction of someone.

          3. @Nah obviously the OP is not trying to sabotage her colleague’s job or incite violence against her. Words can have multiple meanings and this use of “cancel” has nothing to do with cancel culture

    6. She’s a topper! So annoying. With these people I like to see how far they will go: “Oh, you worked out this morning? I ran a marathon before breakfast.” “You are having trouble sleeping? I haven’t slept in three days.” “You saw Book of Mormon? I wrote Book of Mormon and starred in it.” But yes, annoying in a close friend. There are some fun Dilbert cartoons about the office topper that might give you a little chuckle and let you blow off some steam.

      *The only caveat here, which I say from personal experience, is that I *do* have a hard time sometimes (not always) when my close friend – who is maybe a size 6 – complains about being fat. I’m much larger, size 16, bordering on going into plus sizes, and even though intellectually I know she isn’t saying it as a dig at me, emotionally sometimes it does hurt because I’m thinking “If you think you’re fat, what must you be thinking about me?” I don’t usually hate my body, and I’m working on being healthier, but in the meantime these comments can be upsetting even though I generally have good self-esteem, so maybe be a little sensitive on that part if this is truly an issue she is dealing with.

      1. what is it? I think these “toppers” are not able to empathize and listen to others….they are self centered in a way that doesn’t allow them to think about others….not terrible people, but definitely lacking empathy and consideration for others

        1. I think that these people can be either: 1) completely self-centered and wanting to talk about themselves and only themselves, or 2) they are trying to connect and show that they understand/have something in common (and doing a bad job of it). If the person is otherwise great, I try to give the benefit of the doubt because adult friendships can be hard, and it isn’t worth losing a friend over something unintentional and petty. If this is part of a larger pattern of inconsiderate behavior, I would bump the friendship down to acquaintance.

        2. To me people who do this seem like they’re extremely invested in other people. It’s not like they’re just accidentally saying things that happen to “top” everything the other person said. I don’t know if they think this is what people are supposed to do (compete?), but they are probably more pro-social than someone who is truly self-centered (who wasn’t listening and still doesn’t care).

      2. Yes I have that friend who has always been thin and obsessed with her weight – I’m fairly convinced she has body dysmorphia – while I’ve become plus sized over the years and she still complains to me. I don’t even know what to tell her except that she always looks great. I had to get a little distance from her.

        Last time I saw her a few months ago she was doing intermittent fasting, and would only eat from 3pm-7pm. I know some of you are IF fans but in her case there is no question that it’s disordered eating. And by the way, this woman is in her 50s. She is skin and bones.

        1. I do IF. That’s not IF at all. That’s an eating disorder. IF usually has an 8-10 hour window for eating so it’s basically not snacking after dinner and doing a later breakfast or early dinner. Literally nowhere recommends a 4 hr eating window.

          1. IMO, there is no set prescribed or even generally accepted window for IF. A 4-hour window just means she is doing 20:4, while you are doing 16:8. Both are IF. Even OMAD (one meal a day) is IF.

        2. you bring up a good point that some of the self-centeredness or self-obsession may actually be disordered thinking….good for you to get some distance. I had to do same earlier this year with a friend that had different, one upper, constant comparison to others type of behavious. I can tell because the distance from my friend has been glorious

    7. I call these people one-uppers and they are insufferable. It’s normal to share your similar situations when someone complains – that is a building block of normal conversation – but to be competitive about this stuff is so narcissistic.

  19. Has anyone in NYC had a good/moving experience with a psychic? Know that’s not everyone’s cup of tea but I’m curious…recommendations? Can create an email for the info.

  20. Has anyone in NYC or the west coast worked with the recruiting firm Whistler Partners? Their emails and LinkedIn posts have had some really interesting jobs recently. I’m thinking about reaching out and will see if they have references that I know but thought it might be worth an ask here!

    Thanks and happy Friday!

    1. No useful specific advice but I recently started working with a recruiter who’s been killing it. I’d never worked with a recruiter before and had a lot of questions going in. During our initial conversation, I took the time to interview him, make sure he listened, had a good grasp of my objectives and that we clicked. My industry is fairly small and specialized, and the firm is boutique to my industry. He’s listened to what I want and presented only jobs that are pertinent to me, both of which I agreed to apply for and are relevant roles at two major firms in my industry. I got a phone interview both times, and I’ve been invited in for an in-person at both (hoping to hear back about the first one today – fingers crossed!). I was able to find out a good amount about his firm by going down the google and LinkedIn contact rabbit hole.

  21. Any suggestions for solo hiking trip destinations in mid-January? I was looking at Torres del Paine in Patagonia, but it appears that all the accommodation is already booked (as January is a peak month there). I’m a very experienced hiker generally (I’ve done summit hikes in Yosemite, Grand Teton, Yellowstone, Banff, Jasper and a bunch of parks in B.C.), but the only winter hiking trip I’ve done is Rocky Mountain National Park in Colorado in March. On that solo trip, I snowshoed up a mountain and made good use of my crampons, so not afraid of hiking in deep snow, but I’m a bit afraid of winter driving (especially on mountain roads). This is why I was looking into Patagonia. I can’t think of other warm locations to go as I’m not really into tropical destinations besides Hawaii, where I’ve already gone to hike, but open to suggestions if there are good mountain ranges there – the trip really centers around the mountains for me. All ideas welcome!

      1. I’m OP – I was about to mention that I don’t think New Zealand is an option for me right now. I have always wanted to go there, but my ex who I’m very much still in love with lives in Australia, and I’m afraid if I go to NZ I will either 1) end up flying over to Aus to see him; or 2) spend the whole time thinking about him due to the proximity. I think I need to give it some more time before I go to that area of the world again!

    2. Torres del Paine would be nice if you don’t mind crowds. However, my friend who went there said she wishes she had done something closer to home instead because it would’ve been more eco-friendly and probably just as fun.

    5. I loved Pucon in Chile for hiking, although it’s probably high season for them as well. I also did an *amazing* hiking trip in southern Arizona in February on year (Organ Pipe Cactus National Monument and the Coronado National Forest) and it was very warm.

      1. 10ºC in Andalusia in January , maybe less in the mountains there, you can go to sky in Sierra Nevada if you like, really nice slopes enjoying the sun.
        Hiking in January with warm weather in Spain you have to go to Canary Island: La Gomera and La Palma islands are hiking paradise.
        In the same line you can try any other Atlantic islands: Cape Vert, Madeira or Azores. All of them great for hiking in your own.
        In South America if you want to go to Patagonia I would check El chalten, the “place” to hike in Argentina, being November I think you can find acomodation there. Plenty of one day or several hikes from the door of your hotel. It is only 3,5 hours from El Calafate airport.

    7. There are some fantastic hikes in Peru, some of which you could likely do on your own. Not sure what the weather is in January, though, since there it’s more about rainy vs. non-rainy season. I went in summer and did both Colca Canyon (near Arequipa) and Lares (alternate to the Inca Trail). Also, may be worth checking the lakes district in Chile. I didn’t have time to check that area out when I was in Chile for Torres del Paine but it’s definitely on the list for future trips. And if you’re willing to head to the Middle East, the southern (desert) half of the Israel National Trail would be nice at that time of year.

  22. I have androgenic alopecia- hair started falling out in my teens. I’m in my 30s now and have resorted to using a hair topper. It does the job of concealing my bald spots but my hair just looks “wiggy” and unnatural and constantly needs adjusting and I panic when there are strong winds. And the thing just will not stay put during gardening… so mortifying.
    I’ve been looking into hair transplant surgery. Anyone on this site have any experience or insights? TIA.

    1. My MIL has that and she gets hair extensions- the name is deceptive as they provide coverage rather than length. They’re “permanent” and she goes about every couple of months to maintain/get new ones. It’s not cheap, but it looks good and may be an alternative that would work for you.

    2. Are you spots small or sparse enough to use hair fibers instead? Transplant surgery is a lot of money, the recovery is…gross tbh (but worth it from what I hear), but most importantly, you’d need to consult with your doctor about if it would even work.

      Also, wigs have gotten much higher quality at a lower cost in recent years so that’s something to look into, and there are great ways to hold them down. I’m a frequent wig wearer (for fashion not for alopecia) and they stay very sturdy, especially if you have even a small amount of healthy hair that the wig can be attached to.

    3. Platelet-rich plasma injections are being explored / used by dermatologists for androgenic alopecia. It may be something worth discussing with your doctor.

    1. Nom nom paleo, both the site and the cookbook, are great. We use a lot of the recipes in our non-paleo house because they are delicious.

  24. Has anyone tried hypnosis, particularly for weight-related issues? I am working with a therapist I like but a friend suggested I look into hypnosis as well. My therapist doesn’t do CBT, which would also be an option, but I’d rather not change therapists at this point because she’s great at some other issues.

    1. I have friends who have tried it. Some say it changed their life, but I’ve also heard that it is a waste of time and does nothing. Basically – it can’t hurt, and even if it doesn’t work, placebo effect can be useful.

  25. I am interviewing in McLean, Virginia next week for a senior counsel/in-house role for a quasi-financial institution. I’ve got a three quarter sleeve black sheath dress that looks amazing that I generally wear for meetings and presentations, along with a muted rose blazer. Our office is super business casual so I do not own a suit. Can I wear that or do I need to buy a suit? Would a blazer in a different color make any difference?

    2. I would wear a suit. DC, even out in the suburbs, is a more conservative city dress-wise. I would think it odd if someone interviewed for a legal job in anything other than a suit, and this is coming from someone who is currently wearing jeans and a cat sweater in my office.

        1. I got it at banana republic factory a few weeks ago. It’s the washable forever scribble cat crew neck sweater. link to follow.

          2. Thank you! I’m not the Anon above, but I’m excited to have one of these on its way to me!

    4. When you say McLean, do you mean actually in McLean, or in Tysons with a McLean address? Tysons vibe is way more casual, modern, young, hip etc. so I would say the dress/blazer would look great. McLean McLean I think could run a little stuffier.

    5. I think it’s fine. You say you’re fairly senior, and I think you get some latitude there. If you were interviewing for a junior or mid level role, I’d say full suit, but at your level, you get to show some personality.

      Also – you don’t say, but I’m assuming it’s a business casual office (because in DC, most things are on the high end of business casual)? If so, definitely okay.

      Signed, live in DC, spent years on the Hill in leadership, and never owned an actual suit.

  26. I would love to hear the collective thoughts of this bright and educated audience on today’s NYT editorial entitled “How the Insufferably Woke Help Trump.” (Not linking since don’t want to be in moderation, but just google the title above and it should pop right up.)

    1. Ugh, no thanks. What a click-bait title, and I think I can accurately predict exactly the conversation that will happen here. It’s Friday, I don’t have the energy for that.

    3. As an educated, liberal west coaster with most of my (varied education level, mostly rural, quite conservative) family living in a southern battleground state, he makes an excellent point. And unfortunately it is less the candidates themselves than the talking heads on television and social media who are creating the problem.

      And 10000+ to “the inconvenient fact remains that a relatively small pool of working-class voters in the handful of battleground states are still likely to determine the fate of the country next year.”

      1. I have the same relatives / high school friends, and I don’t think any of them can be persuaded to change their minds, even if a magic wand was waved and the “insufferably woke” turned into dulcet-toned teddy bears. My mom is consumed by the idea that somewhere, somehow, some homeless guy is getting a free phone from the government or some current college kid won’t have to pay back all of their loans (“we paid for you! it’s not fair!”).

        1. Oh I definitely have some of those too! But I also have some who will vote for the right Democrat (and that Democrat is either a man or a women who acts like someone who cares about what men think of her appearance – I am not arguing they are not super sexist).

          That Democrat is also not someone who seems to think that being religious automatically makes them all stupid, woman-hating, knuckle-dragging Neanderthals (especially the ones who are women). Or someone who takes the position that all Republicans are evil and that nobody should ever cross the aisle to work with people they disagree with on other issues.

          And before people jump down my throat about how those people do not exist, spend some time on Twitter or reading the comments section of national newspapers. Or look how much grief Biden got for saying he would work with Republicans.

          Our families aside, 9% of voters who voted for Obama then voted for Trump. Among white voters who had never been to college, it was 22%. Many of them are in swing states and we need them this time. And saying that everyone who voted for Trump is a lost cause because they are to stupid or too racist to be convinced is not the way to get them.

          1. I sure hope the nominee is amiable and positive, but honestly, there’s only so much that can be done. The whole thing reminds me of the Parks and Rec episode where Leslie is running for city council and spends an evening bowling with a guy who won’t vote for her even when he finally decides he likes her well enough. Plain old get-out-the-vote probably helps the most.

    4. And responding to Seventh Sister’s (excellent) point about turnout, I actually think that is where getting the right candidate who people want to vote for is really important. I know a lot of people who will not vote for Trump, but also won’t turn out to vote for the Democrat if they do not like him or her.

      The 40% of hard core Trump voters are never going to vote for a Democrat. They will not even vote for a different Republican. What we need are the people who voted for Obama and either voted for Trump or did not vote at all. And whether we like it or not, those people are not going to vote for someone they feel like is insulting them.

      I do not want to start WWIII (although at this point probably nobody is actually reading this!) but look at abortion. Most of my family is adamantly anti-abortion, but many of them are not single-issue voters. You are not going to get my sister who has been taught that abortion is a terrible sin since infancy, to vote for a Democrat by telling her that she hates women. You get her to vote for a Democrat by presenting her with a candidate who she thinks understands her issues and respects her values.

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