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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Shawl-Collar Knit Blazer

Oooh, I love a shawl-collar blazer, and I REALLY love a jewel-toned shawl-collar blazer. This emerald green jacket from Daniel Rainn has such a beautiful cut, and the color is going to be almost universally flattering.

As an added bonus, it seems to have functional pockets — great for stashing your phone or face mask.

A slightly longer blazer like this one usually looks best with pants, to my eye. I would wear this with my favorite Eileen Fisher crepe pants and a blousy top.

The blazer is $88 at Bloomingdale's and comes in sizes 0X–3X.

Two options in straight sizes are from Nine West and Vince Camuto.

P.S. Happy Eid to those who celebrate!

Sales of note for 12.5

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

336 Comments

  1. How financially dependent are you on your spouse? If your spouse were to pack up his bags tomorrow, leave and divorce you, what would happen to you financially (rent/morgage, everyday expenses, retirement, savings)?

    One of my closest friends has shared with me that being a SAHM she is utterly scared of being financially dependent on her husband. She has a good education (good law school) but fears not being able to return to work if she stays home for a few years.
    I didn’t really know what to tell her because without her own income she really is dependant on him and I think many women stay in marriages for that reason alone. I told her to ask her husband to set up a retirement account for her and make contributions but other than that I am stumped.

    1. Post-nup? She could also start looking in to the “on-ramp” programs that law firms and companies run specifically for folks (mostly moms) who stepped away from the workforce for years. Some states are nicer to the stay-at-home spouse in divorce than others, so she might want to look in to the rules where she is.

      I’m divorced, but have a long-term partner and have nearly 3/4M in my retirement accounts. If I get married again, I’ll have a prenup for it.

      1. Coming back to say that if she is trying to sell him on funding retirement account for her, she can point out that it should also reduce their AGI (depending on their tax bracket, etc).

        1. This is confusing–what kind of pretax retirement account is not linked to employment?

          2. As long he is working and they file taxes “married filing jointly”, he can fund a spousal IRA for her.

    2. Is there any continuing education or professional development she could do, or part-time work? I would never be a SAHM for this reason.

      1. This. This is why I won’t quit my job.

        I have a great marriage, a wonderful spouse, and delightful children. I like my job but would be very happy to take a few years to be a SAH parent (maybe do some consulting). But I won’t.

        When my parents got divorced, it was… bad. I see my mom now in her 60’s (after a successful 20 year 2nd career!) still feeling the financial after effects of that.

        What if my husband gets fired? What if he leaves me? What if he falls off his bicycle and gets a TBI and is no longer able to work? HHI is around $250K/year… I make $100K of that. We live well on $150K/year (most of the rest is savings) but could make it on just my income. I am still working as insurance for the ‘what if’s’ that haunt me.

        1. Your last paragraph is why I don’t quit my job. Every day I want to, and when I look at the FAFSA formula sometimes I think I really ought to (the way it works out basically my entire income will be going to EFC, and oh by the way the formula penalizes pretax retirement savings by counting them as income but not deducting the tax you’d pay on them), but I don’t because there are 16 more years between kiddo’s graduation and my retirement date.

        2. I agree with you but there are ways to make it safer. You’d first need 6 months of your husband’s earnings (or what you spend of them) in savings. This should hopefully cover him getting fired. Post nup covers if he leaves you. You can have a pre-negotiated alimony amount in there and what percent of the family savings you get. It’s not ironclad. If he ends up in a lower paying job he could ask for a departure or he could spend down the family savings so you get less but it at least provides you some safety net. TBI, long term disability insurance coupled w/ the 6 months of savings to get you through to SSDI.

          Most people do not take all of the above steps to make SAH parent life safer but they should. Likewise, he should have insurance on you since you will likely have less savings on one income and if you were disabled or died, he would suddenly have to fund childcare.

    3. Aren’t retirement accounts typically divided upon divorce when the couple has had combined finances?

      1. I’m sure it depends on the situation, but I got half of the amount by which my XH’s retirement account grew during the length of our marriage. I was never SAH, but I was in school working PT, and then in a job with no benefits, during that time, and those decisions were definitely related to accommodating his job (by living where it was).

    4. None- he is actually financially dependent on me (he is a teacher). I would actually be better off financially on my own

      1. Same. We’d probably sell the house and downsize because it’s too space and maintenance much for 1 adult plus 1 kid. Otherwise, I make nearly double what my husband does. He has more retirement savings because he’s 7 years older than I am. I’d be ok.

      4. Same here; husband is actually a SAHD, so he’s completely dependent on me financially. That said, I absolutely depend on him for things like childcare and generally keeping the house running, and would be in a terrible place if he just up and left for that reason (we’re comfortable on my income, but not so comfortable that I could just up and hire the kind of help I would need without worry).

      5. We could both cover the bills on our own, although I’m sure if we got divorced we’d sell the house since it’d be too big for either of us alone.

      7. Won’t that work out better later, though? My husband is also a teacher, and the pension is a much better guaranteed return than my 401k will do, even in a bull market.

        1. Yes, but that assumes they make it to the pension. My husband is in federal law enforcement and the burnout is HIGH. It’s hard to leave a job with a good pension and get only a fraction of the benefit you otherwise would have received. But it is also tough and demoralizing to feel completely trapped in a job for another 10-15 years depending on where you are in your career.

        2. He is a private school teacher , so no pension (and very low pay). He will eventually try to get into a public school to try to get a pension.

          3. Just FYI not all public school teachers have pensions with defined payouts. They are often dependent on market performance now just like a traditional retirement account

      8. Same. Although its neutral on whether I’d be better off because we use his paycheck to fully fund another 401k to the limit, plus increased HSA. Only something I’d admit anonymously online, but I am fairly confident it bugs him that he doesn’t see much of his paycheck, even though he likes the amount of money in various accounts.

      9. ExH wasn’t a financial dependent, but I made slightly under 75% of our income. After he got himself a girlfriend and we divorced, I bought a second home. Because now I could afford it, even after a generous divorce settlement that sent him on his way with a fistful of cash and no debt. He contributed 25-35% of the household income and he was spendy.

    5. so i am not a SAHM, but my husband earns significantly more than i do. even with my own income i am dependent on my spouse. as much as couples on here like to talk about how they live off of one salary and save the other, that is not the truth for almost anyone i know in real life. many people set up their lives with both incomes. it is something i worry about probably more than i should, but i have retirement accounts just in my name, money i inherited that is just in my name, i assume i’d be able to get child support and alimony, and fortunately have parents who would probably help if needed. we have good life insurance, though that obviously would not account for the situation where he just picked up and left, but all of our accounts other than retirement accounts and inheritance are joint.

      1. We definitely don’t save the whole second salary but we did buy our house at a price point that allows us to afford it on one salary. DH and I make roughly the same so in a divorce, lifestyle would take a huge hit (clothing budget, weekly cleaners, vacations, switch to car payments instead of buying car outright or drive older cars) but the main things would stay (house in good school district, child care).

        I haven’t heard a lot of people refer to saving the whole second salary but in non-VHCOL or HCOL areas, I don’t think it’s that uncommon to buy a house where the mortgage can be paid on just one salary. It definitely reduces my stress level about either of us losing our jobs.

      2. We actually do live off one salary and save somewhat more than the other, but if we only had one income we wouldn’t be able to save much of anything and that isn’t a sustainable way to live.

      3. It drives me crazy when people post about living off of one salary because I would imagine that’s mostly the case where both partners make very good salaries. I’m sure that’s not always the case (here comes everyone to tell me it isn’t the case with them) but it always makes the lower earners on this board feel like crap when there’s little context.

        1. I am one of those live off one salary, save the other people. The reason we have to do this is that we are not super high earners and it’s the only way to save enough for retirement, emergency fund, college, etc. We are lucky that we are middle-income people who can afford to save at all, but if we earned more we wouldn’t be forced to save such a high percentage of our income.

          What drives me nuts is when people post here saying they only spend $200 a year on clothes or $50 a week on groceries or whatever. To me, that’s a signal that they are getting some sort of outside support or have unusually low spending needs. I have one teenager and one large husband. $50 a week would barely cover what I spend on dairy, and no I’m not shopping at Whole Foods.

        2. I’m definitely guilty of this. We’re childfree, so living off my 75k salary while my husband is out of work isn’t terrible.

          I just forget to include context because I don’t walk around thinking about how much money I save by not having kids. We just… didn’t want kids. It’s not forefront in my mind that my choices are uncommon.

        3. It always makes me crazy when people say “live off of one salary” as a single person. This thing that all of the rest of you consider to be a sacrifice is just life for me. I also get rage-y when people say to buy a house that you can afford on only one income. What does that mean I am supposed to do, buy a house that I can afford on half my income??

          2. I think a lot of this actually relates to kids not being married. I could easily afford a lovely place for myself on my salary. It would be very difficult to find a place large enough for three kids in a good school district on my salary alone.

        4. I’m not sure stating salaries is relevant because it depends on if it’s a LCOL area or HCOL area. We can afford our mortgage and utilities on one salary (we make about 100K each and have three kids) but we also live in a LCOL area that many readers would probably not deign to reside so 500K bought us a lot of house.

      4. The saving one salary thing is a lot more common among my friends who got coupled later in life. Each person was already used to living on only their own salary. If I’m comfortable enough with my lifestyle, why would I double my expenses? Why not save the other salary instead? Then when we want a SFH in a good school district, we can plop down a big down payment and keep our monthly payments more in line with what we’re used to.

    6. She would see a divorce lawyer. He can’t just walk away with 100% of the assets.

      1. He is not legally permitted to walk away with 100% of the assets, but that is a slightly different statement than “he can’t.” My husband is a divorce lawyer and he’s seen too many cases where spouses successfully hide assets and income and effectively do just that, or nearly so. It’s a particular problem when the high-earning spouse is self-employed.

    7. This is something I’ve been thinking about recently because we’re buying a house that we can only afford with DH’s income. I make six figures but he makes much more. It would be silly to buy a house based on what we can afford on my income alone, but I absolutely couldn’t afford it without him.

      So I’d say somewhere in the middle? I make a good living but our lifestyle certainly depends on him?

    8. Oof, this stresses me out on behalf of some SAHMs I know too. Not my business, of course. In my own case, I’d be all right, but my lifestyle would change. We have a pre-nup and entered the marriage with him already owning the house we live in and having significant savings. We’ve never combined finances, and I have a stable enough career and make enough money to be OK on my own, but I wouldn’t be able to afford a house as nice/in a neighborhood as nice as the one we live in together.

    9. I’m not a lawyer; is it completely impossible to find a job if she’s out for a few years? Because I know a lot of non-lawyer women who have done this successfully, including my mom (a teacher). I do think your retirement account idea is a good one.

      To actually answer your question, I’d be fine. I couldn’t afford our house without my husband, but I wouldn’t want to live in it without him, either, so it’d be gone and our only other debt at the mo is his student loans, which would go with him. I have my own retirement account and I assume we’d divide up our joint finances, so I’d probably be doing okay.

      1. It’s not impossible, but law is pretty biased against people who’ve taken time out of the workforce. It’s hard to come back and the jobs that are available tend to be a much lower salaries (or unsalaried). Like, our document review team at my biglaw firm had a ton of former SAHMs – they made about $40-50/hour, but there were no guaranteed hours and no benefits. Our project attorneys got paid at similar rates, but again, no benefits and it was on a per-project basis with no guaranteed level of hours. It helps if you’ve kept up your license and done some pro bono work/etc. along the way so that you have something on the resume.

        Basically, can probably find a job, but actually getting a career back on track is really hard.

    10. I mean, yeah, that is a risk of being a SAH parent and the reason a lot of people step back rather than totally out – even if it means their salary basically pays for daycare.

      Personally, would be fine with basic living expenses (mortgage, utilities, food, basic savings & retirement savings) as my income is about 55-60% of our HHI. My Nordstr-m and travel budget would drop precipitously however.

    11. On the other side of this, my spouse is very dependent on me financially (I earn more and am more financially savvy and responsible). Divorce scares me because I worry my kids (still minors at this time) would end up supporting him financially. When he reaches retirement they should be fairly established.

      1. This was me and my ex (and father of my kid). Imagining my then-baby having to support his irresponsible selfish dad is one of the things that pushed me out the door.

        1. Can you explain a little more? My thinking is that I’m supporting him now, and presumably will be in the future if we’re married. I assume my kids would be more likely to support him if I weren’t. As is probably clear I don’t like this situation and am pretty frustrated by it.

          1. I’m not sure I follow your third sentence.
            In my situation, my XH kept making continually bad decisions (constantly late to work and upsetting his boss, irresponsibly overspending on takeout, then being unemployed for more than a year but not picking up anything around the house) and making no progress towards fixing them. He’s still making them two years later, he’s gone through seven jobs since we divorced, totalled two cars, his mom SENT HIM a car via truck, etc. XH made very clear he was going to make no changes and was fine with me working 70+ hour BigLaw weeks while pumping and parenting to support him. I realized that was going to be my life, and tapped out.

            there were other issues (including physical abuse), so that wasn’t the whole thing, but overall it just became clear that he was never going to improve or be a functioning adult, and I would spend my life cleaning up after him and devoting myself to his support. I didn’t want to model that for my kid or doom him to that future.

          2. What I meant is that if we are married at 70, I will support my spouse. If we are divorced at 70, my kids might support him.

            Thanks for expanding on your situation. I feel like I’m in a lighter version of it, at least in terms of my husband’s financial decisions and general responsibility. I can’t imagine dealing with physical abuse on top of it.

    12. My husband is currently completely financially dependent on me, due to quitting his job to provide caregiving for his dad’s Alzheimer’s. During the last recession I was completely financially dependent on him, since I couldn’t find a job in my field for many years, and was stringing together waitressing jobs to make ends meet.

      If we broke up, I would be better off financially in the short term, since he hasn’t been contributing income for the last few years, but worse off financially in the long term, since my 401k and IRA cannot complete with his pension.

      I agree about retirement, your friend needs an IRA at bare minimum.

    13. This sort of happened to me. I am a public interest attorney and my ex was in tech and earned much more than I did (by several orders of magnitude). When we split, I had to move out because there was no way I could have afforded our home on my own — mortgage + taxes was approximately my take home pay. But because I do have an income, and it’s a good one, but not as lavish as ex’s, I landed on my feet totally fine. The first few months on my own where are bit nerve wracking as I had to re-learn how to budget while setting up my new household (we split furniture and “stuff” 50/50, but we were pretty minimalist to start, so I need a new colander and broom, etc.). This was some years ago and I’m about to get married again and we are contemplating a home purchase, but I will now only consider things I could afford on my own. I am also planning to keep separate finances, even though it’s more of a PITA, because I was burned so badly in my divorce.

      I had supported ex through his lean years, but by the time we were separating he acted like I was the moocher because he was so high earning relative to me (which was new in the previous 3 years… we had been married for 10). I think this was part of what drove us apart — once he started making a lot of money he started exhibiting contempt towards my job and my contributions, acting like I should do more childcare and housework since I earn less (though I worked more hours), and giving me sh*t every time I bought literally anything because I was spending “his” hard earned money. No thank you to all that!

      3. This is similar to me! I only want to buy things I can afford on my own. New boyfriend just doesn’t understand, but I don’t feel secure relying on another person’s income.

    14. My husband and I both have high incomes and live simply in a LCOL region, so each one would be fine without the other.

      At this stage in my career, I have a good reputation in my small legal market and a history of making six figures, so if I stayed at home for a few years, I would probably be able to find another job. I have also maxed out my retirement savings for years, so I am in a good position there.

      For your friend, I recommend that they contribute toward her retirement. She also needs to be aware of their actual financial situation. There are many couples who seem fine, but are financing their lifestyles through debt. On divorce, there is really not much for anyone and the partner who stayed home suddenly needs to find work with a stale resume.

      1. Yes this. The assets will be split at divorce, but if your main asset is the house and you’re borrowed heavily against it, there’s not much to split.

      2. This. The SAHMs with the biggest problems in divorce are the ones who don’t understand the money. Makes the divorce more expensive because a lot of time is wasted determining what the couple actually has. Her name should be on all the assets (house and cars and vacation home if applicable) and she should know how to access all the accounts (bank account where he gets paid, retirement accounts, insurance docs, health savings accounts, college funds etc).

      3. +1 to being aware of the financial situation, even if nothing changes. Where does each paycheck go? who files the taxes? Is there a sinking fund for the roof/etc on the house? What about college savings for kids?

      4. Oh, yes, your last paragraph is SO important. Don’t ever be the spouse who handwaves at any mention of money and says, “Oh, my other half handles all that.” No, no, no.

    15. This is why I could never stay home.

      My mom struggled financially and was unable to find a job for a very long time after my parents divorced and being a SAHM.

      I promised myself that I would not put myself in that position.

      1. +1 to simply not risking it. I don’t think anyone should, frankly.

        I have the unique privilege of being able to ask someone “What if your husband abruptly leaves you? Because that’s what happened to me!” I’m not implying any insult that wouldn’t be applied to myself first.

        During that awful time, I was literally thanking God every day that I had the ability to support myself and carry on with my life in a recognizable way. Sometimes it was the only thing I could think of to feel grateful for. But it’s everything.

        1. This happened to me too. I tell women “I know you think it could never happen because you’re so happy, but when we were first married we were that happy too. And then one day he walked out.”

          I was intensely grateful that I had a good salary and could support myself.

    16. This is reason No. 1 why I did not become a SAHM (not that my DH would’ve even entertained the idea).

      If something happened to us, I could afford life on my own; however, it would not be as cushy as the one I’m living now. Our income is split 60/40, with DH being the higher earner. Given his professional background, that will probably always be the case.

    17. My spouse is financially dependent on me, but will likely significantly out-earn me beginning in ~3 years. If we were to split right now, I’d actually be better off on paper given our respective income + loan situations and lifestyle would not actually change much for either of us given how much of our income we save. Down the road, I suspect I would be significantly worse off if we split but overall fine.
      It is something that impacts my career choices as much as I wish I could just let it go and not think that way.

    18. After growing up in a situation where my SAHM was financially dependent on and trapped in a bad situation with my not-great-person dad, I made a promise to myself as a child that I would never be in a position I couldn’t get out of.

      I chose my profession for stability and for my ability to get a good, well paying job quickly if necessary. So, if my husband divorced me tomorrow, I’d be fine. I’d definitely have to be more careful with money, but I’d be fine. My current job is a “lean out” job in a small local firm with a lean out salary ~$75k, but still pays well enough and would be great as far as work life balance goes if I had to be a divorced mom. If I “needed” a six figure job to pay for a bunch of fancy extras, I could easily get one, but I don’t want to work the hours. Our house is paid off and we live in a LCOL area. We could sell our house, split the money, and both live somewhere smaller but decent. I probably couldn’t max out my retirement anymore, but I’d be fine. We have an only child who is in public elementary school, which also helps financially (vs having to pay expensive daycare costs).

      I did not want to be a stay at home mom because I don’t really have the temperament for it, but financial reliance is another big reason why I’d never want to do it. My husband and I both took turns being financially dependent on each other pre-kids, and it was not a great experience. The power dynamics got all weird and unhealthy. Part of that was our age and immaturity, but I think it’s hard to avoid entirely unless both spouses are very on the same page about life and financial decisions.

    19. I am not financially dependent on my spouse, and our incomes are within $40K of each other, so there is no significant parity in our marriage. We have also been together since HS and both started out with nothing (except student loans, which I paid down at an even rate), so really any neither of us have made any income that wasn’t during our marriage or time together prior. We share joint check and savings accounts, and cars and house are in both our names. If we were to split, I would expect it to be right down the middle and I would not try to argue that I was somehow entitled to anything more than him even though I do earn a little bit more. One of the reasons I have been able to be a successful attorney and earn what I have is through his financial support during law school (he worked FT out of college and covered most of our bills while I was in law school) and because his job has the flexibility that allows me to keep my foot on the gas in my career.

    20. If you’re married and divorce, there’s a legal entitlement to marital assets and potentially support depending on the jurisdiction. If spouse dies or gets injured or fired, then you’re in a pickle without life insurance, disability insurance or savings/severance. If you’re not married but living as if you are you likely have no protection. Because there are a zillion scenarios far worse than divorce, I think being a SAHM is incredibly risky. For the OP, if her friend is a lawyer, lots of firms and companies have onroading programs and she may also find women in power there who want to help (I’m one, I’ve hired former SAHMs because I understand that stepping out for a little while doesn’t erase your intelligence).

      1. This. A friend who is out of the workforce just found out that her husband has cancer, and that he will almost certainly die in the next 6 months. Independent of the pain of dealing with this news, the economic realities are staggering.

        1. Yes. And if your spouse is disabled, and you want a divorce, you may have to support him or her for life.

          1. +1

            My sibling has a severely mentally ill spouse that he has been living with and caring for for almost 20 years. She is psychotic, and refuses care, and is within her rights to live like this. They have no husband/wife relationship anymore. If he divorces her, he will have to support her for her for the rest of her life. Their life is so awful and depressing, and so terrible for the children.

      2. Some of the SAHMs I know are pretty shocked to learn that in our jurisdiction, spousal support isn’t really designed to be a situation where you get a set amount of money every month for the rest of your life (even if your spouse earns a lot of $$$). Also family court judges in our area are pretty frank about saying to SAHMs with degrees, “you have a degree in X, go out and get a job,” even if they haven’t worked in decades.

        1. This is pretty standard. Instead of alimony, it’s time-limited rehabilitative maintenance designed to tide the wife over until she gets some random low-paying job.

        2. Yes, many states have “rehabilitative” alimony to bridge the gap until you have ramped your career back up.

        3. Yes, I had a friend (former coworker at my biglaw firm) who was absolutely shocked by this. She divorced after 5 years as a SAHM and requested alimony and child support in a combine amount equal to 50% of her husband’s income until their kids were 25 but was prepared as a fallback to agree to until they were 18. The court gave her 4 years and half of the amount she asked for (which is still like $500k annually, and then once the four years are over she still gets child support although I don’t know how much). I think she had sort of assumed that the court would somehow enforce her expectation not to have to work, at least not during her kids’ schooling, and she was pretty overwhelmed when she found out that the court really put zero weight on their prior agreement that she would stay home.

          (I will admit that sympathizing with her was sometimes hard given the enormous amount of $$$ she still ended up with, but I do get that the gap between expectations and reality was a shock.)

    21. I earn a higher income than my husband. My mother taught me never to be so financially dependent on a man that I couldn’t walk away and support my kids on my own.

      1. This is what I tell everybody: Always make sure you are in a position to support yourself and any children you have.

      2. My mom was the same way. She always brought up the story of how her grandmother was widowed in 1929 and couldn’t support herself, so her teenage daughters (my grandmother and great aunts) had to support the family through the Great Depression in rural OK. They were very lucky. My grandmother and great aunts taught school and put one another through college. Two of them worked as teachers for pretty much their whole lives (one never married and one had a crappy husband who didn’t contribute).

    22. I wouldn’t be able to retire as early, but that’s probably about it. Husband and I both have fairly large, almost equal salaries and we basically save one of our incomes (we really, really want to retire early). We intentionally bought less house than we could afford and either could afford on just one of our series. We also don’t have kids, but if we did, I could never be a SAHM for that reason.

    23. As a divorce attorney, this scenario happens all the time. Being a SAHM is a major risk.

      I see so many men that are extremely resentful of being the sole provider, even if they participated in the decision for the SAHM. It definitely can be a divorce factor.

      1. This is so interesting! I cannot imagine how hard this must be for the soon to be ex wives!

      2. To your last paragraph, this is one reason I am not a SAHM. My husband thinks they are parasites.

        1. Your husband seems like he hates women and doesn’t value their contributions. Being a SAHM is a huge never ending job, that is completely unpaid. It’s incredibly predatory, even worse than unpaid internships IMO.

        2. I mean, I live where it is the 1950s and we see a lot of women with school-aged kids who play a lot of tennis when the kids are in school (so this year was probably a shock). OTOH, tennis is a good physical activity and is maybe a 3-hour block of time in a 168-hour week (less than golf), with no childcare obligation on the other spouse (which IS the case with weekend golf). So I get that that sort of snapshot colors the perception of how the rest of the time goes, but that’s just being bitter and petty about it. Those fools don’t count the time spent on mom-paperwork (I just got my first round of camp forms and some require physicals / doctor paperwork, too) and I’m betting that the haters never see any of the mom time drag stuff and just focus on the “oh, but you had fun today, so bad lazy mommy; out for a joyride while daddy suffers and toils.”

          1. Oh, come on, that’s what all men think and is why everyone in the comments below is saying they’d never be a SAHM because of the power dynamic.

          2. Look, I’m sorry so many of you are married to terrible men but that doesn’t mean that all men are like that. (And I can’t believe I’m defending men here.) Y’all just found the duds.

          3. Anon @ 12:50 – I’m sorry you married a jerk. But you chose poorly, there’s no need to drag the rest of us into your mess. There are indeed men who view women as whole people and recognize that domestic work is work.

          2. I’m aware that there a lot. I would never marry one and I’m surprised anybody would.

          3. They don’t exactly announce themselves prior to marriage. They make a lot of noise about how they support women’s “choices.” Then after marriage they reveal that they actually believe that now that women have the option to work, they should avail themselves of that option while also running the household and taking care of the kids. It’s worse now–in the olden days at least it was acknowledged that if the wife’s role was to be a SAHM, the husband’s role was to earn all the money. Now the husband has no real obligations and the wife has all of them.

          4. I am not a man but I also think there is something off about women who want to be SAHMs, because they actively have no desire to work for money. I know (and went to college with) many women like this–they were used to having thing paid for by their parents, did not want to budget or worry about money, and wanted to get married quickly so that their husbands could assume the role of funding their activities. I don’t know if I would say that SAHMs are “parasites” but there is something there that doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t think your husband is a terrible person for saying that. I think he may just be trying to convey that a lot of guys don’t like being looked at as an ATM.

          5. The “thing” that’s not sitting right with you is your internalized capitalism. They’re not bad people for wanting to stay out of the rat race that seems to have given you severe Stockholm syndrome. There’s so much more to life than making money.

          6. @2:51, sure, but why is the husband supposed to fund that? He might not be into the rat race either.

          7. To be fair, at least he’s upfront and open. I imagine there are quite a few traditional men who actively want a SAHM until there’s a divorce, and they no longer want to support the downstream impacts of a joint family decision.

      3. This is the problem with today’s men. They want their wives to do everything a SAHM would do, preferably invisibly so it doesn’t infringe upon their evening or weekend time with their wives, and earn a salary too. Bonus points if the wife’s job is something they can brag about.

        1. This is a large part of why I’m childfree. I have no interest in being a mother, but I wouldn’t mind being a Kodak dad. That’s a pretty sweet deal.

          1. +1 childfree too and I sometimes joke I’d like to be a 1950s dad but that’s about it.

      4. I can see this in a couple I know well. 12 years into the SAHM arrangement, the husband is super resentful and the wife does not have a professional career to fall back on. Over time, I’ve seen how the power dynamics have subtly shifted between them, and hoo boy, I would not want that. Aside from the big-picture stuff, I also like to buy myself things and feel zero guilt about doing so.

        1. This too. I have never met a couple with one earner who didn’t exhibit an unequal power dynamic–not just on expenses, but on huge decisions such as where they live and kids’ education. I’m very uncomfortable even seeing that, let alone experiencing it.

        2. these men suck. DH significantly out earns me and so i often feel guilty buying myself things or spending money, except it is entirely in my head. He is always telling me to treat myself and buy whatever i want (granted, i am not the type of person who spend a lot of money as is)

      5. I see this a lot too. And it’s not just because these men are awful or whatever – a lot of times I think men don’t understand how much pressure they’ll feel being the sole earner, especially if they don’t like the job or it’s stressful. Five years down the road, the husband is maybe waking up every day hating the biglaw hours, but feels like there’s nothing he can do because he’s carrying the entire family, and that breeds resentment.

        (Should these men use their words and come to agreement with their wives about a different plan? Yes. But the ones who do that are the ones who don’t get divorced. Also, I have observed in coworkers multiple cases where the SAH spouse is resistant to downshifting the lifestyle when s/he realizes that means giving up the expensive house/private schools/country club/etc.)

        1. +1 I know a handful of moms with stay at home spouses who feel this pressure and resentment in unexpected ways. They use their words but I don’t think it’s inherently a sexist view and one that can surprise people who end up feeling it

          1. I would definitely not want to have a SAH husband, party because I’d resent the pressure of being the sole earner and partly because I would like to be a SAHM and no way is some man going to do what I don’t get to do.

          2. We live in a HCOL area and are dual earners. I make slightly more. If one of us lost a job long-term, we’d be ok. We’d have to permanently rent instead of ever buying a house, and it would be really tight. The idea of being the sole income source does sound stressful and difficult to me, and my husband would actually be an amazing stay at home parent.

    24. I’m staunchly childfree and this is one of the many many reasons why. If my husband were to leave, I’d be fine, I can handle the mortgage and expenses. I obviously want him to stay but my life would not fall apart in any substantive manner.

    25. They need to insure against death and disability, and I if I were her I would take part time contract work to keep her skills fresh. That will also provide a network of contacts for return to work.

    26. I’d be better off – not emotionally, mind you, but financially. I would never have been willing to be a SAHM for all the reasons mentioned.

      A woman I know decided to be a SAHM as she and her husband agreed it was “best for the kids.” While she was SAHMing he was having an affair with a younger coworker. He impregnated the coworker, divorced his wife, and married the coworker. Now ex wife got child support, but had to go back to work because it wasn’t enough, and put the kids in daycare. New wife became a SAHM with their baby. Ex husband and new wife petitioned for and got primary custody because new wife was already a SAHM and it was “best for the kids.”

      4. Yeah, my state doesn’t do “primary custody” it is all parental rights and responsibilities. But if there is another safe person, ready, willing and able to watch the kids for free, the court will allow that over paying more support to fund daycare. So, my friend’s kids went from going to daycare while mom and dad worked to staying home w/ dad’s new GF at dad’s work while mom and dad work.

      5. I think the only word that can accurately describe your friend’s ex-h is “f__kwad.”

        1. That’s the way men are, though. They fight for more parenting time just so they can pay less child support.

        2. I’m 11:05. While all this was going on with my friend, I was in the workforce with my child in daycare and doing all the stressful juggling that entails.

          And all of these married dads at my office were clearly on the make. They hit on the receptionist, they hit on the interns, they hit on me. It wasn’t just my friend’s husband. My eyes were definitely opened. Being a SAHM is very risky. I will never advise my daughter to do it.

          1. So accurate about the men wanting more custody so that they have to pay less…also accurate about the married men hitting on women at the office.

          2. Huh? How does being a SAHM make husbands hit on other women and how would working prevent that? If your dude’s gonna flirt with the receptionist, I don’t think it matters if you’re in the workforce or not.

          3. I am so disgusted with at least 50% of the men in the workforce I can’t possibly explain this, but it was definitely a thing. If I had a nickel for every time I heard, “you’re so interesting. My wife only talks about the kids,” well, I’d have lots of nickels.

          4. And I guess it also has to do with being “master of everything,” like, he has someone at home taking care of his kids and house, he can do whatever he wants because he earns the money. I’m not saying that’s a correct point of view, I’m saying it’s a common point of view.

    27. Very financially dependent. But I’m disabled such that I’ve not yet been able to work full time (I work flexible part time hours as a contractor in my field). If every condition were being fully treated at the same time, if no meds were recalled or being contested by insurance, if I avoided infections, if my hours were flexible enough for medical appointments, etc., I think I could work full time, but I might have to switch to less demanding work (in order to perform adequately when working through pain/fatigue/cognitive symptoms. It’s been a while since I did the math, but I don’t always even come out ahead on income vs. medical expenses, but my insurance situation would change too since I’m currently on his insurance.

    28. My husband and I had a 60/40 income ratio when we were married; ten years later he made 10x what I did. Our two children both had special needs, and my husband traveled every week, out of town 3-4 nights for years. It was rough sledding. I became a SAHM for about 4 years when I home schooled our older son (1 year) who was bullied and marginalized. I hated being in this situation, but really, we had no alternatives with our circumstances. Many of us do not “choose” to be SAHMs, it is a necessity sometimes. Fortunately, it all worked out, but not all SAHMs are parasites, and the expectations on women are beyond reality.

      1. i am sorry you went through this and appreciate you sharing your perspective. i know this was not the point of the original post since this particular SAHM is concerned, but there are a myriad of reasons why someone might become a stay at home spouse, that are not all evident by just looking at them – maybe they have disabled children (physical, emotional or hidden illness), maybe they have a hidden disability, or are caring for an aging parent, or had to leave a job bc of sexual harassment, or cannot find childcare that works for their situation and I could go on and on. I myself am not a SAHM, but women are just so judgmental of one another. so many people on this thread are saying that this is why they could never be a SAHM…but there might actually be circumstances beyond your control (like a pandemic, illness, etc.) that you haven’t thought of that could lead to you being a SAHM.

      2. Thanks for expressing this. I know I was much better off thanks to my mom doing this for me (staying home so I could home school and not deal with a school situation that could not have improved). I wish she didn’t have to sacrifice so much to do this.

    29. One other thing to keep in mind, if you are relying on the divorce courts to give you what you deserve, that takes a lot of time. In my state it can take 4-6 months to get TEMPORARY orders. So, if he cut off your access to the money and isn’t paying child support or alimony voluntarily, you are screwed. Some judges will take pity and take the issue on ex-parte but most reserve ex-partes for when someone is in physical danger.

      1. Can’t emphasize enough that the divorce courts are not a panacea. Also a divorce judgment, like any other judgment, is only as good as the other party’s willingness to pay or your ability to enforce it.

        1. This. I used to work in family court and a lot of our problem cases had guys who would quit a job once the garnishment order was entered.

          1. Not entered, so much as “once the employer started honoring the garnishment order, they quit and went to work somewhere else, at least until they started garnishing.”

      2. My cleaning lady was in Family Court to get a child support order just before the pandemic, and because her case is not an “emergency” it has been put off this whole time. She’s gotten nothing from her ex meanwhile.

    30. I’m now a semi SAHM. We have 3 kids. If DH packed up and left and we had no child support at all, we’d have to /want to downsize the house eventually.

      I have kept my toes in my industry and have equal earning power to DH and am
      Confident I could quickly get a full time job bringing in the same or a bit more than DH does today. Without a partner, though, more of my income would have to go to childcare. Right now I earn about 20% of our HHI so of course that would be gone too.

      Jokes on him though if he walks because I’m in charge of family finances and I know where all the money is ;). (Not in a malicious way- he just doesn’t track or manage it so he probably would have no idea about the random accounts with $10k in them).

    31. I just want to lob one on my ex-BIL. My sister moved around the country for his job (in a profession where licensing is done state-by-state, not nationally) and stayed home with 4 kids while he got another degree and travelled the world once he entered a high-paying profession. Once he started to earn real $, he cheated on her and married the woman (who promptly put her kids in school with my nieces and nephews). He doesn’t see how a working mom would have struggled to do all he did without two full-time nannies legally able to drive who had a masters in early-childhood education (so, a cost of >$100K/year if you had to buy that kind of childcare). He resents that he now has to pay her child support (which idiot doesn’t realize follows the child) and alimony (but it is truly very little) while she seeks licensure in yet another state that is having a hiring freeze and budget cuts and where she will get an hourly job w/o benefits if she is lucky. She had a job for a while post-divorce but lost it b/c she was the only one who would actually stay home when her kids were sick (and with 4 kids, one was always sick).

      1. TL;DR: my ex-BIL sees my sister as a parasite and not the one who made his success possible. He never did spend much time with his kids, so he has no idea that staying home with young kids isn’t like going to a day spa (or even watching 12 hours of taped football games in a weekend while ordering wings and telling the kids to shut up).

      2. Re: kid sick and dad not willing to stay home, family lawyers will tell the mom to call his bluff. However, that leaves the kids in a not good position if mom is right, but it also gives good evidence for getting more time or money if dad isn’t pulling his weight. So, have school call dad and don’t pick up when school calls. Or if kid is w/ dad and dad calls and says kid is sick and dad has to work say “that must be tough. I hope you find childcare. I have to work” and don’t go bail him out.

        1. I think that my ex-BIL left one kid (14) alone while he left on vacation with his new wife, so even if he would “take” them, there would be the concern about if he left them unsupervised the whole time.

          1. That’s so hard because the courts usually don’t interfere in those situations if it is just a “difference in parenting style.” Leaving a 5 year old home alone would obviously not be allowed but adults can be split on whether teenagers can stay home alone. I wouldn’t say a week is wise but my next door neighbors do it at least once/year. They tip us off so we can report back to them if there is unusual activity at the house — so no parties — but no other supervision that week either.

          2. In our state CPS would be involved if a child under 18 were left alone overnight.

          3. Anon at 3:46: That is ridiculous. I went to college at 17. I was more than capable of being home alone overnight at, probably 14, certainly15, and definitely at 16 with a driver’s license. And we didn’t even have cell phones back then. I am not advocating leaving a 14-year old at home for days while you go on vacation, but CPS is not required for a single night as a teenager.

          4. My HS boyfriend was left alone for the weekend regularly by age 16. No wild parties but we certainly took advantage of the empty house…

          5. Anon at 4:01, I went away to college at 17 too, but a colleague got a call from CPS when she left her 17-year-old home alone. That’s just the way it is now.

    32. My husband is a SAHD. His previous work was low-paying, but he could likely find a similar job if he needed to go back to work. More likely, he would return to school if he wanted to re-enter the work force. He inherited money from his grandfather years ago, and there’s enough there to pay for him to return to school for a few years.
      I’d expect to pay alimony and child support, which would be a stretch financially.

      I contribute equally to our IRAs, though my employer also contributes to mine.

      We own a rental property, which we used to live in. Our long-term plan is to return to that property when our son grows up. If we divorced, I likely would take the house (which I’d sell to downsize), and he would take the rental property. If he moved back in there, the income from the other units would cover the mortgage and expenses on the property.

      1. My husband is a SAHD, at least in part, because our son has special needs. He goes to a private school for kids with special needs, which requires extra driving. Right now, he barely makes it through a school day and can’t handle his schedule with extended care, though the school offers it. Kiddo also has doctors’ and therapy appointments several times a week, which is more driving and waiting. We cannot send Kiddo to a typical summer camp, etc. We cannot hire a teenager to come over and babysit. Even the grandparents struggle to babysit on their own.

        Basically, if DH weren’t a SAHD, we’d need a part-time nanny during the school year, who was willing to work full-time in the summer, with experience with special needs kids. That wouldn’t necessarily be easy to find and keep, and they’d certainly make more than what DH made at his last job. Since we’re also paying private school tuition, we really wouldn’t be able to afford it.

    33. We earn about the same amount of money, but live in a VHCOL area so I imagine we’d have to sell the house (or pay out the equity to the person who moves out). It would definitely impact our long-term finances/retirement and the ability to help kids out with college, but neither of us would be in a real financial pickle. That said, my husband has his own business so I would want to get it all worked out quickly in case he decided to just stop getting new business and tried to get spousal support from me.

      Frankly, I think it’s appalling that people think SAHMs are parasites. I’ve been a working mom for a decade and a half, and the only SAHMs I don’t like are the ones who tell me (openly or passive-aggressively) that I’m a bad mom for working because frankly, my kids are awesome and I have no fs left to give after so many years.

      FWIW, I have seen some divorcing guys change the story about why their spouse is a SAHM – it goes from “we decided this,” to “she said she’d opt out for a few years and now she won’t get a job!”

    34. The whole SAHM problem isn’t the lack of earning capacity, it’s divorce law. The couple makes a rational economic decision to have the wife stay home and the husband go out to work. If they divorce, she should be entitled to half his earnings in perpetuity because her service as a SAHM furthered his career, and because she made the decision to become a SAHM and forfeit her earning capacity in reliance on his promise to provide economically. The SAHM should also get full custody plus child support unless there is an agreement otherwise.

      2. This is insane. So if my husband ended up staying home with our kids and then had an affair and we divorced, he’d get half of my earnings and full custody while going to live his best life with the tart on my dime while I don’t get to see my kids that often and have to keep working hard to no longer live the life I was working so hard for anyways?

  2. Like others have reported here and elsewhere, I’ve gained some weight in during the pandemic. Fortunately, I’ve only gone up one pants size and I can still wear my tops. Dresses are another story…Jackets/blazers are a problem. I’m in a upper management role and there are times I need to be more formal—I usually do mix and match with a jacket and sheath dress or a jacket and black pants. I am finding that my jackets without stretch feel too restrictive for me to wear. I can’t tell if that’s because of my weight gain or if I just can’t tolerate the lack of stretch anymore like I can no longer wear underwire bras (never going back to those!). I have a lot of clothes I can no longer wear and going into my closet depresses me. I do have five mm lafluer jardigans and I’m tempted just to create a capsule wardrobe because the last year has given me decision fatigue. Can anyone relate? Are others thinning out their closets?

    1. I’ve only gained 2-3 lbs but I still want to get rid of 2/3 of my closet and create a capsule wardrobe. Even though I don’t really need to get properly dressed most days, I spend too long staring at my closet in the morning.

      I’ve been getting good advice here about color seasons and am thinking about what I want to thin out.

    2. You have 5 jardigans? Going out in a limb here but no, you don’t need to buy lots more clothes. How many days a week do you actually need a jacket? I’d buy one new blazer that fits you in black or navy blue. And then see if you need more.

      1. The OP doesn’t say she wants to buy a bunch of new clothes. She says she wants to put away or get rid of anything that doesn’t feel comfortable and implies that she does need to buy some new pants that fit.

    3. I put away my formal work clothes that don’t fit, rather than get rid of them altogether. Who knows what things will look like in a year (meaning my body and dress codes)?

      I bought two suit sets on mega sale during the pandemic in my current size and that is enough for me.

    4. I put formal work clothes I’ll likely never wear again anytime soon in storage so I don’t even have to look at them.

    5. It sounds like you can create a capsule wardrobe from what you have already, TBH.

      I’m not paring down quite yet, because who knows what the next year is going to bring. Luckily I have dress pants in two sizes. I’m pushing the limits on the larger size but they’re still workable. I am missing the stretch, however.

    6. I think I read this differently from others because I understood that only tops are working, and that dresses, jackets/blazers, and pants are all no longer fitting?

      This is what happened to me. Although a lot of my dresses fit just fine until I turn around and see how short they are in back thanks to my new…proportions.

      I definitely need new clothes. But I’m petite and have a short and small waist, and I apparently now have way more derriere than clothes are designed for, so so far nothing seems to be fitting even if I size up? I feel like I need plus size proportions within straight sizes? Or I’m not sure what I need.

    7. I can relate. I actually lost weight pre-pandemic and have maintained this past year, but not having worn a lot of the clothes in the meantime, I know there is a lot to get rid of. I have done an initial cull and now, as I am going into the office more, I am making quick and clear decisions on pieces as I am getting dressed in the morning and as I get undressed at night. If I try something on in the morning and it doesn’t fit anymore or I realize it has just overstayed its welcome, I am putting it in a donation bin immediately. If, at the end of the day, I realize I did not like what I was wearing, or it stretched out over the day, or whatever, I am laundering and putting it in the donation bin. I have a lot of clothes and will need to do another thorough cull, so I am not going to run out of clothes making these decisions and getting rid of things as I go.

    8. I gave six hefty bags to Goodwill this weekend. My closet now only has clothes I actually wear. It feels great. Do it.

    9. I put everything that is not my current size in the back of the closet with a big ribbon tied around the hangers so I don’t get confused. Then I can get dressed from the rest, and see if I have any gaps. I bought half a dozen washable jersey dresses in my current size; with those and existing cardigans and jackets, I will be fine. I am waiting a year before taking any drastic action on the other size pieces, as we won’t be penned up like hamsters for much longer.

    10. 100% can relate. In my case pregnancy has taught me that there ARE bras and pants and dresses that accommodate size fluctuations and still look cute. Why would I ever go back to rigid clothes?

  3. I’m possibly looking for a unicorn piece of summer clothing. I have really broad shoulders and prefer not to wear strappy dresses but if I can’t find something with thicker straps I like to wear a denim jacket over the dress. Being quite pale this often suits me for sun cover too & I live in the U.K. so it’s never that warm. This is fine for going for drinks etc but I find if I wear it someone’s house they inevitably ask don’t I want to take the jacket off, haven’t I got too hot etc. I just want to keep it on as I like feeling a bit more covered! I’m wondering if anyone has ideas for other styles to wear over dresses like that? I find cardigans to fit my shoulders often look too baggy around my hips. I do have a lightweight green shirt jacket that sort of works.

      1. It’s not a big deal and I do say no thanks but it often leads to having to insist. I’m also aware it could look to me a guest was uncomfy if they didn’t want to remove a jacket so I see why people do it! Equally I’m interested in other ideas beyond a denim jacket in general.

        1. What about a denim jacket but with more of a blazer styling? Who asks people to remove a blazer? It’s so odd and to me a denim jacket is not necessarily outerwear.

          1. But yes, I think the idea is an item that doesn’t read outerwear. What about a floral denim jacket?

          2. Yeah, I often wear a fitted white denim jacket with the sleeves rolled and no one has ever suggested that I remove it.

          3. +1

            Yes, the white denim jacket is perfect for this.

            I have white, black, blue denim jackets.

    2. Kimono/duster style toppers seem to be popular lately, sort of like open robes for daywear. I have a few casual linen jackets (shaped kind of like denim jackets, but made of linen-cotton blends, and maybe collarless or with 3/4 length sleeves) that I wear with dresses a lot. Of course they’re all about 2-3 years old, so that’s not much help.

      1. I wear open kimono things and thin ponchos a lot in the summer. I wear them over dresses, or shorts with tank tops. Mine are all from thrift stores, so I don’t have any brand recommendations.

    5. Thanks for the ideas so far! I hadn’t thought of looking for a kimono style, I really like this with jeans and might work. A chambray shirt is also a good idea.

      1. I’d just stick with the jacket, and roll up the sleeves as someone else suggested. If you do a shirt, I’d tie it up at the waist so it’s got the definition you get from the jacket.

    6. I would try a “chore jacket” (short with pockets), in a lighter fabric… in the US at least, Gap has been selling these, but they seem pretty on trend. A cropped kimono-style wrap jacket is another option. I think that a blazer with a sundress might look a little mismatched (one is more formal than the other). The suggestion of a knotted white shirt is a good one, too!

    7. I have a very lightweight fitted anorak style jacket I wear over dresses. It’s a bit more structured that a shirt jacket but not hot and heavy.
      It’s pretty old and I think I found it at dress barn of all places.

    8. I love the Nic & Zoe 4-way cardigan for this. (note: I’ve only worn it one way) It’s cropped in back, with longer points draping down in front, so very waist-defining. I’ve only owned the summer weight ones, with 3/4 sleeves, so I can’t speak to the heavier version.

    9. A cardigan that’s smaller and more cropped than you would normally wear often fits more ‘neatly’ around the shoulders and without the bagginess further down. I have a cotton camel cardigan (just from H&M) which fits with a tiny bit of negative ease and only comes to my waist, so it looks very ‘prim and proper’ buttoned over dresses but works well as a casual layer when it’s worn open.

      Also, more hair. Having just had five or six inches cut off my pandemic hair I am definitely feeling more exposed around the neckline than I was before.

    10. My friend wore a light colored denim jacket over a backless halter top. She had no plans to take off the jacket so she wore a regular bra under the halter top. Then she went through TSA…..

  4. Elizabeth, I am heading to Bloomies today and will see if they have this. I do like the fact that they have real pockets, which I hope are big enough for my iPhone 11 — my old iPhones are so small by comparison that I almost want to go back to the day of my iPhone 5s, which I could easily slip in my jeans pocket. Now that I have put on the pandemic 20, my regular jeans are to tight for anything, even my tuchus, and just forget skinny jeans!

    Now that I have been vacinated, I am back @ Whole Foods for meals, and once we can start removing our masks, I hope to be able to see more then the eyes of the men that are ooogeling me! It seems that that the pandemic has caused men to also start looking around to pair off again, and they don’t seem to want skinny women as much, as I am back in the running with these guys. But I will wait as I do not want to bring home a man and get into another situeation I had with my ex. FOOEY on that!

  5. Random comfy clothes fashion history trivia.

    I’ve always known of DC’s Whitman-Walker clinic. Whitman is Walt Whitman. Walker is the civil war era Dr Mary Walker, only woman to receive the Medal of Honor (it was different back then but she would be accomplished in any era) and advocate for sensible clothes (encouraged by her parents). I did not know about her until recently. It is worth a lunch break google.

  6. What’s the best instant print camera? My wedding is coming up and was I thinking about a photo booth, but we only have like 20 guests, mostly family (ages 60+), and FH is skeptical that his family would use a photo booth. He thinks a Polaroid would get much more use. I was looking at the Instax cameras, they’re cute and look like they might fit the bill. I also read about a printer that can connect to your phone through an app, but that sounds kind of complicated. I guess I could appoint one of my nephews (mid 20s) as the official tech help for the wedding. Maybe we should do both? I have a feeling the camera will fall into his uncles’ hands and tipsy shenanigans will ensue.

    1. I went to a wedding with the instant cameras at each table and it was really popular (the tipsy shenanigans are the best part). I wouldn’t complicate things with an app or having to print the photos etc.

      1. Yes this. Maybe 10 years ago, a wedding I went to had those disposable cameras at each table. The bride and groom developed the pictures after their honeymoon and laughed so hard over all the pictures. They got digital copies of the photos and emailed us some of the funnier ones.

        Then right before the pandemic, I went to another that had 5 or 6 Polaroid cameras with a huge stack of film on the guest book table. I think a cousin or something was standing there for the first hour to help take photos or teach people how to reload the film. We were all meant to take a photo and use a glue dot to add it to the blank book next to our names, but given the amount of film I’m sure they hoped the cameras would continue to be used all night. We had a ton of fun and I still have a few of those snapshots hanging on my fridge.

      2. Disagree on the tipsy shenanigans. I got two rolls full of men taking the camera to the bathroom and dropping trou.

    2. Instax. For sure. It’s easy. And isn’t the point capturing shenanigans?!?

    3. Just do one or more Instax cameras because they are foolproof even for tipsy people. You will need to designate someone to keep refilling the film. You can get photo booth props and a background at the party store. You don’t want to be messing with a printer at your wedding.

      1. Agreed. Also check out craigslist/fb marketplace where you are because lots of people buy them for events and then sell them cheap.

    4. I love Instax. It was given to me as a gift and I often bring it to parties, birthdays, etc. and give the person we are celebrating the photos at the end of the night. People love it, the pictures are fun, you can buy cute frames for them on Etsy. Highly recommend.

    5. I would go with the photo booth as the easiest approach. If people are going to get tipsy, they won’t feel shy to use a photo booth.

          1. They are surprisingly cheap — I feel like it’s worth checking into. BWDIK? ;)

          2. It’s not so much the expense, it’s the bulk and the … ok so we spent five minutes on that? letdown.

    6. I had my brothers set up a DIY photo booth with a mini printer at my wedding. (Both are software engineers and could fiddle with a script.) The photos are cute but the best part is there is a whole series of 20 or so pictures of them making faces at the laptop from when they were trying to get it working. So if you want that from your nephew, I say go the DIY route.

    7. I went to a wedding with the Polaroid cameras in the summer of 2019. It was really fun. People could take the photo home or pin it on a bulletin board to leave for the happy couple. Lots and lots of goofy pics.

    8. We had disposable cameras on the tables at our reception and the photos were so much fun. My most favorite photos of us are candid ones from those cameras and not the staged professional ones. One bridesmaid went around taking legs-only pics of everyone and even those still make me laugh.

  7. DH and I will be in DC for our anniversary next month, and we want to have a nice dinner to celebrate. We will be staying in Georgetown. DH will definitely want a hearty steak, and I’m open to anything. Suggestions?

    1. Bourbon Steak is a good true steak house option in Georgetown. Fiola Mare is seafood focused but it looks like they have steak and are in a beautiful location on the Georgetown waterfront – a go-to celebration spot. Imperfecto is more in West End/ towards Dupont and new, but I’ve heard good things.

    2. Fiola Mare in Georgetown is fantastic. It’s a seafood restaurant but they do have a steak on the menu. Wonderful view— it sits right on the Potomac— and they will likely do something extra if you let them know it’s your anniversary.

    3. It wouldn’t be a DC restaurant post without a shout out to our resident star chef Jose Andres! I’ve really enjoyed Zaytinya, Jaleo, and China Chilcano. There are a couple others I haven’t tried. Unfortunately his Georgetown restaurant America Eats relocated. Enjoy your stay and congratulations!

  8. Posting an update re: Sister-in-law birthday gift Idea.
    I bought her the Uncommon Goods baseball park map glasses and she looooved them! She’s not a phone person, but called specifically to tell me how that present was perfect.
    Thanks for all the ideas! I saved some of the suggestions for other sibling birthdays as well.

  9. Just need to rant for a second. I love my vegan family members but I really wish they weren’t vegan sometimes. My birthday kid requested pizza and cupcakes and even the “best” vegan cupcakes and pizza are pretty disappointing (to my household’s taste- the vegans rave and everyone else pushes the food around). I can’t have non-vegan food around because drama ensues. Obviously, I’d rather have these people around and eat crummy food than not have them around. But man, it’s a lifestyle choice that definitely affects multiple households and many important food occasions.

    1. This really sucks, and I think it’s appalling they won’t even let you have the other preferred food around — with a vegan option available — without kicking up a fuss. That’s just plain selfish.

      I have struggled to adjust family meals to be celiac-friendly and FODMAP friendly. Totally not the same situation, in that both are real health conditions as opposed to a lifestyle choice, but it’s become tough to accommodate everyone without cooking two separate meals.

    2. you have got to be kidding me. Everyone needs to agree to stop caving to their drama. It’s not like they are going to die if someone eats real cheese next to them.

      1. +1. For a child’s bday, I would 100% buy a cake/cupcake that my child would like, and have vegan cupcakes for the vegan family members.

    3. what??? can you have some vegan + some non vegan food? I was actually plant based diet wise for years and the idea of making EVERYONE else eat it too is ridiculous. as along as the vegans have something to eat then that should be fine. I vote you just do that and eat what you want

    4. I’m so sorry you have family members with morals, what an imposition that must be.

      3. Snarky comments aren’t a very good persuasion tactic. If you’re vegan for “moral reasons,” you presumably actually want people on your side to reduce animal suffering, climate change, whatever your reason is. So, this type of statement to your relatives isn’t helping your cause.

      5. Speaking as a vegan, cut it out. Now. This is the kind of sh!t that makes it hard for the rest of us.

    5. I so feel you. Maybe the solution is that you have vegan stuff just in vegan quantities? A co-worker had a kid go vegan and the household went along for a while (to support her and also b/c it can be much healthier). Then they decided for various reasons just to be healthier omnivores and the vegan kid could be vegan. The kid initially reacted very, very poorly to this (it is a high schooler then a college kid over the period of the story). After seasons of turmoil and drama and many a ruined meal, they all have a tense truce centering around “my body, my choice.”

    6. So I read your question and went to go look at Smitten Kitchen because I remembered she’d published some fun vegan cupcakes recently, and she had (https://smittenkitchen.com/2021/01/plush-vegan-confetti-cupcakes/), but I was reading the post and it gave me a thought. She notes that not all sprinkles are vegan, and I would not be above using non-vegan sprinkles in half the cupcakes for birthday kid’s sake, and directing all vegan family members to the non-sprinkled ones (“oh, sorry, I couldn’t find vegan sprinkles! you’ll want one of these plain boring ones”). Just to be a little bit petty right back.

      I’m sorry there’s such drama over this. There is absolutely no call for your kid to not eat what their heart desires on their birthday.

      1. I’ve made that cake for my niece with lots of food allergies and it’s great! Super easy, one bowl, and not obviously vegan for the non-vegan crowd, although the flavor profile isn’t the most exciting (though I think it’s one most kids would like).

    7. rant is totally fair. i realize in this particular case the vegan is a lifestyle choice, but growing up i had a classmate who was deathly allergic to dairy (like it was a problem in our high school years bc they couldn’t make out with someone who had recently eaten dairy). it seems silly to me that you can’t have vegan and non-vegan food, just like sometimes people have some gluten free food and some not, but you said drama ensues, so sounds like not worth it. can you have a double celebration where your kid gets really cupcakes?

    8. I don’t think you actually have to accommodate to this extent. Just have some hummus around or something. I’m speaking from the perspective of the person on the restricted diet. I know other poeple don’t want to eat my food.

    9. Yeah, I’m a vegetarian, mostly vegan these days, and I think it’s ridiculous to not let a kid have pizza and cupcakes to their taste for their birthday. Both of those are things that are really easy to make to accommodate everyone’s tastes- have some pizza with cheese, some without, the cupcakes themselves can be vegan since egg/dairy free cake is usually still fine and just make two batches of frosting (or if you’re buying, most bakeries have vegan versions these days, so just get some of each). If this is a problem, the issue is not that your relatives are vegan, it’s that they’re unreasonable people who like to make a fuss.

    10. We are here for you to rant to!
      I used to do a lot of ‘mixed baking’ when I had a vegan colleague. I would make the Smitten Kitchen pumpkin loaf batter without the eggs, make up a few muffins, and then add the eggs to the rest of the batter and put it into a loaf tin. Or the Smitten Kitchen vegan funfetti cupcakes – I made the cake vegan for my birthday but made real buttercream to go on top and it was delicious. When I used to have big group dinners I would do a tomato olive oil pasta sauce, cook vegan soya meatballs and actual meat meatballs separately, and let people serve themselves what they wanted to.
      I know it’s not easy to do all the time but that sort of blended cooking might be the way to more harmony.

    11. Why can’t you have vegan and non-vegan options? What “drama” can that cause? I have a pretty high proportion of vegans and vegetarians in my social circle, and as long as I provided appropriate options for all guests, none of them would dream of saying a word if I served non-vegan or non-vegetarian options in my own home.

      1. If a vegan wants to create drama about food, a vegan will create that drama. There doesn’t even have to be food present for the drama to occur. I agree that OP should just let the spiral happen, but it sounds like the vegans bring the drama.

        1. Yup. Veganism is very often an excuse to act like an a$$ or cover for an eating disorder. Looking at you, “gluten-free vegan” colleague who only drank black coffee every time we bent over backwards to find a restaurant with gluten-free vegan options on trips.

        2. This. It’s the vegans wanting everyone to be vegan. It doesn’t sound like presenting multiple food options is the problem.

        3. Sorry, reading over my post and realizing I worded it poorly. I know (thanks to internet-based folks like Anonymous at 11:43, not to any of my IRL vegan pals!) how obnoxious people can be about veganism. I was meaning to get more to Anonymous at 12:08’s point on letting the spiral happen and letting people make absolute asses out of themselves.

        4. My idiot nephew said “enjoy your dead animal” at our BBQ after insisting we provide him a vegan choice, which we were happy to do, but of course he had to go about it obnoxiously.

          Thankfully he’s grown out of being such a know-it-all jerk (ah to be in one’s early twenties and know everything) and also, is no longer a vegan. He went full caveman paleo after veganism and lord knows what he’s doing now.

    12. Honestly, in this situation, I’d just get both kinds. If the vegans don’t want ANY non-vegan food in their presence then they need to stay home. There’s no reason that some folks should have to eat gross food because of another group’s preferences. I know and work with dozens of people with food restrictions for various reasons and (some)vegans are consistently the biggest jerks about it all.

    13. I’m vegan and don’t care what others eat in front of me. I’m sorry these people are so selfish and dramatic.

      1. +1 Your vegan family members are being absurd. Get what you want and tell them ahead of time there will be options for both and that there will be no discussion about it at a KIDS birthday party. I always bring my own food with me – I would never expect a host to cater to my dietary choices especially as they are a choice and not life threatening (such as allergies and/or celiac).

    14. They are not being reasonable. As long as you have vegan options for them, they should deal. We have different food restrictions in our house due to severe health issues, but people understand that as long as there is a reasonable alternative, they have been accommodated. They graciously accept the accommodation and move on. I also think it stinks for the bday kid to try to stomach unappetizing cupcakes because of a dramatic family member. Even little kids with allergies are often trained to not eat food that could trigger an allergy. (It sound like in this case, it isn’t even an allergy, but a principle?) Don’t cave! If the drama and grumbling ensue, be at peace. “It’s Johnny’s birthday and I chose the cupcakes that HE likes because it’s HIS party. We have some vegan cupcakes for you too.”

    15. People like this give the rest of us vegetarians a bad name. “I love my vegan family members but I really wish they weren’t vegan sometimes.” I agree if you replace “weren’t vegan” with “weren’t jerks”!

      2. +1 – that was my thought. It has nothing to do with them being vegan and everything to do with them being . . . well, whatever they are that they’d create drama over pizza at a kids’ birthday party.

    16. Maybe you can warn them that the birthday kid really wants this kind of pizza and it will be served along with vegan food, and they can elect not to come if they’re offended. There’s no way they can back out unless they want to look like they’re being petty to a child.

    17. What?! I always have options for people with dietary concerns, but I would not deny my own kid good food for her birthday party because some people don’t want to eat it. If they can’t attend a kid’s birthday party without starting drama (?!), then they are not invited to the kid’s birthday party.

      1. Yeah please stop catering to these jerks at your child’s expense. I wouldn’t invite them over for any food-based activity ever again.

    18. I have the opposite situation with a family member who is gluten-free by choice. If I serve everyone food that’s naturally gluten-free, she doesn’t feel special enough. She wants a separate GF meal, preferably difficult and/or expensive to prepare.

      It’s cruel to expect your kid not to have real pizza and real cake on their birthday. Get the nasty stuff for the vegans and the real stuff for everyone else.

        2. Serve the meal up on a tray. “This is your idea of my meal? You expect me to eat earplugs?” “Oh no, those aren’t for you.” *insert earplugs and walk off*

    19. Getting your kid the food he wants on his birthday is way more important than caving into weird vegan drama.

    20. Stand up for yourselves. Provide something vegan but give the birthday kid the cupcakes they want. Grow a backbone.

      1. harsh, but yes. Rant away, but this is not a you problem. This is not life style preference thing. This is an obnoxious, self-centered family member thing that you do not have to tolerate.

    21. If they think their lifestyle choices should affect yours, you need to firmly shut them down. They don’t get to decide what you put in your mouth.

    22. What? You aren’t buying non-vegan pizza for your kids bday? This is insane. Don’t cave to the drama. Buy “real” pizza as well.

    23. Thanks for the support. To clarify, the drama comes from my niece, who is a soon to be kindergartener and my kid’s bestie. She can tell fluffy buttercream from oil-based vegan frosting, and gets upset. (Yes I made the smitten kitchen vegan cupcakes and every other recipe under the sun-its just not going to look/taste right side by side.) Then her parents are upset because they don’t want to explain about how our food hurts animals and ruins the earth. Then my MIL (other side of the family) jumps in with how healthy and ethical veganism is and we all feel like garbage.

      1. Yikes, her parents sound like a real treat! Since it’s your niece, I think a “it’s not nice to comment on other people’s food choices” is appropriate. Talking to the parents about how their kid is making your other guests uncomfortable is also totally fair. Or ignore away. I like to stare down anyone who makes comments like that for a moment, then say nothing and move on. That way they know I’ve heard them, but they don’t have the chance to argue.

        1. What?! Absolutely not! Do not shame the niece because she doesn’t want to kill animals. Oh my god this is effed up, the world is beyond saving if wanting to save animals is considered bad.

          1. That’s literally not what Aunt J said. The ethics of veganism are not being debated here, and no one is being shamed by her suggested script, either.

          2. It’s not about shaming the niece. It’s about the parents not wanting to explain to their own child why they have made the choices they make. They are forcing the birthday child to suffer to avoid their own discomfort.

          3. Yeah no one is saying the vegan family is “bad” because they’re vegan. It’s because of their inability to not throw a tantrum.

          4. Not at all… and this works both ways! I know my vegetarian/vegan friends get criticism for their diets, which is 100% inappropriate. My script works for the other way around, too

          5. That actually makes it all more reasonable. It’s hard to have separate policies for little kids who are good friends. It sounds like it’s just tricky as you can expect there to be a meltdown/questioning. Maybe both sets of parents can just be ok that there will be a meltdown/pulled aside explanations. Maybe have some nice drinks for all you parents :)

      2. What the what?!?
        I feel like this is the reason why the phrase “Different families make different choices” was invented and your niece’s parents should learn that phrase. I know you know this, but other people’s rudeness and intolerance is not your problem to manage and I’m really sorry you are in this situation.
        I mean I try to not ruin the earth by raising polite children.
        For the record, I personally would probably cave on the buttercream issue, but pizza is kind of sacred to me.
        Maybe your kid can have buttercream frosting every other night for a week?

      3. What on earth? Do not let a 4 year old dictate your choices. This is just bizarre and ridiculous.

      4. You need to call the parents’ bluff and let them be the bad guys. They are relying on you to serve only vegan food so they won’t have to explain to their child why everyone else gets tastier food than she does. If your niece complains that she doesn’t get fluffy frosting, tell her straight-up, “Sorry, sweetie, this isn’t vegan and your parents told me only to give you vegan food. You’ll have to ask your parents.” Let them be left hemming and hawing and squirming. It’s their lifestyle choice. It comes with a cost, and they need to own it instead of trying to pass that cost along to your child who just wants pizza and frosting on their birthday.

      5. Oh, that’s rough, but it’s so much not a you problem. Whether your niece is vegan because of an allergy, by her own decision, or by her parents’, they owe it to her to prepare her for up to a lifetime of not eating the same food as everyone else, and to enable her to do it with grace.

        And your husband should tell your MIL to under no circumstances start piling on.

        1. Yes! I think it’s also important for her parents to teach her that it’s not appropriate to judge others’ food choices because she will also receive some of that judgment herself.

      6. This is a parenting issue, not a niece issue. My family makes a certain environmental choice and my young kids have in the past reacted with disgust when they see people making another choice.

        I have come down on such a reaction so firmly—it’s not our place to judge others, there are legitimate reasons to make a different choice, and judging others doesn’t make them want to make the same choice as us, it just makes them think people who make this choice are mean.

      7. I figured this was the issue – parents that insist their kid eat vegan too and the kid wanting the “normal” food and the parents not wanting to deal with the fall out. It makes them a little less terrible but I still think you should stick to your guns. Or, they should let their kid eat non-vegan food at other people’s houses and let her make her own choices as she grows up. A slice of pizza from an already cooked pizza pie doesn’t kill any additional animals.

        1. It doesn’t make them less terrible. It makes them more terrible because they’d rather see their niece/nephew be disappointed on their birthday than take ownership of their own choices and teach their own child manners.

    24. This is absurd. Serve your kid the food they want and that you want to serve on their birthday. Provide a vegan option. If people are rude about this tell them to leave and don’t invite them back.

    25. This is giving me college flashbacks. Any Oberlin alums here? I was in a half vegan, half vegetarian dining coop, and sweetener policy discussions nearly broke me. For some reason no one could every articulate, white sugar was a non-starter (“I’ve heard its really bad”), a small but vocal portion of the vegans were concerned that honey “exploits the bee community,” and all of the other options were either gross, hard to cook with (for college students with no cooking experience who were cooking for 50-100 people), and/or exorbitantly expensive. Everything was decided by consensus, and discussions went on for days.

      1. Dear sweet jeebus, this would make me so stabby as to become a sugar-eating beekeeper.

      2. This is how you end up with unsweetened applesauce as your only “sweetener” + egg substitute, and quality of life goes downhill from there.

      3. Goodness gracious, this sounds like the Pre-School Cracker Wars of 2016. A subset of parents were furious at the communal snack options, yet turned up their noses at 1) having parents provide snacks on a rota, 2) serving organic crackers, 3) the very thought of providing dried fruit or raisins (OMG the sugar), or 4) the existence of pretzels. All of the kids in question are now middle-schoolers, I suspect some of them sneak into 7-11s and buy those prepackaged hamburgers to wash down with corn-syrup sodas.

    26. Invite the non-vegans at 2:00. Serve cake. Invite the vegans for 3:00. Open presents.

    27. My rule is that the birthday person gets to choose and get the version they want, and people with allergies and dietary restrictions get accommodated. So, if the birthday person is vegan and wants vegan pizza and cupcakes, everyone eats vegan pizza and cupcakes and deals for a night. If the birthday person is not vegan and wants non-vegan pizza and cupcakes, they get that. Vegan family members are invited to celebrate and are accommodated with vegan pizza and cupcakes, but they don’t get to sh*t on people about eating non-vegan food. If they choose not to attend the event because they can’t be in the presence of people eating cheese and butter, then they’ve chosen that, not you.

      1. I agree with this wholeheartedly.

        Unfortunately, this whole situation falls under “Things that should be simple but aren’t because of history, family entanglements, and other things” and it ends up being way harder than “You just need to…”

    28. Clearly, I am in the minority here. I think if you choose to be vegan or vegetarian, then you are responsible for feeding yourself or providing your own food. If you have health issues, I’m happy to accomodate. I have gluten free and dairy free friends for health reasons, and I’m happy to work with them. But forcing me to eat vegan food because you do? Bring your own! I would feel horrible having someone make a separate meal for me. Is that really expected?

      1. I think as a host, I want to provide everyone I invite with food and drink they can eat. I’d hate for someone to feel like they have to bring their own food.

        1. Yeah I get it. I guess it’s the expectation part for me. I wouldn’t expect someone to make a special meal for me. I think it’s rude.

      2. It’s not. I am vegan and I agree with you 100%. I always bring my own food and never ever expect people to feed me because of my own dietary choices (vs. allergies that could kill me).

        1. … and if I had allergies that could kill me, I wouldn’t trust anyone else to provide my food.

      3. I think the level of accommodation really depends on what the meal plan is and how well you know the person- in this case it’s clearly a close relative they know well. If they’re making pizza and are unwilling to make some without cheese or are ordering cupcakes from a bakery and refuse to order a vegan one, that would seem pretty rude to me. Asking them to bring their preferred cheese substitute for the pizza, non-dairy ice cream for dessert if you’re making non-vegan cupcakes, or veggie burgers when grilling is completely reasonable, though. But the idea that you couldn’t possibly be expected to eat anything vegan is also a little obnoxious- most foods are vegan and perfectly good, so it seems a bit unwelcoming to not want to make or eat any food that your guest will also eat.

        1. I am perfectly willing to try vegan food and find some delicious. However, it’s expecting someone to make a special meal for you that’s off putting for me.

      4. It’s definitely not expected. I either eat before I arrive or I graze vegan-friendly snacks & sides. However, I’m not a 4-year-old with shitty parents.

          1. How is that harsh? You think the parents who are opting to make a scene *repeatedly* instead of having a conversation with their own kid aren’t shitty??

          1. There is a child in my kids’ preschool class whose parents always sends an alternative snack on birthdays. She proactively looks at the birthday board and asks the kids parents if there will be a celebration snack (you know, before CoViD). This must take so much mental energy on her part, but I so appreciate her not making it another parent’s problem to accommodate her child, even though I would be happy to.

          3. If the vegan child wants vegan cupcakes, then yes the parents who forced veganism on her should absolutely be responsible for bringing them.

          4. @anon 2:54 ‘forced veganism on her’…. like most parents force unspeakable animal cruelty and death on their kids.

          5. Anon @ 2:54, you are the vegan version of the peanut allergy mom from my kid’s class who threw out the food I sent to the class party that I had carefully selected according to her exact specifications. She didn’t just want to protect her kid, she just wanted to control everything and ruin the party for everyone when it had nothing to do with the allergy. She tried to wreck the party by insisting that no other kids could be served a snack her kid couldn’t eat, so he wouldn’t be left out. When we sent in snacks her kid could eat, she wrecked the party by throwing them out anyway. You sound just like her. Let’s wreck a 4-year-old’s birthday party because his cousin’s parents don’t even want her to see a cupcake made with butter.

          6. @3:02 give it a rest. I’m also vegan but you are an absolute nightmare. You can’t seriously consider yourself a morally superior person when you are so awful to everyone around you.

          7. I hope the vegan kids are on supplements. A true vegan diet without supplementation isn’t really child safe. I have a lot of respect for adults who choose to be vegan for ethical reasons, but I am not sure about asking a child to do the same.

  10. Someone mentioned a good substitute set of bar and weights for people who Bodypump with Les Mills at home. I don’t remember the brand, and it was sold out at the time, so I’m asking in the hopes someone remembers or has a good recommendation. I’m to the point I need to up the weight for the class and I don’t want to buy more hand weights. The Les Mills equipment just isn’t in my budget right now.
    Are there decent quality substitutes for a bar and weight set out there?

    2. I remember people talking about weighted bars. Those work really well with Les Mills body pump.

      1. Not the OP but interested — Are there any that go up to heavier weights? I was just looking and the sets I saw maxed out at 25 lbs. But I thought there was a set recommended that went heavier, I just can’t find it.

        1. I have not seen any of those above 25lbs unfortunately. I just dealt with what I had until I was fully vaccinated, now I’m back to working out in person.

  11. There have been a few threads about this lately, but after the past year, I am just plain tired physically and mentally and have noticed that I’m really suffering from decision fatigue. I can keep it together during the workday, but when the evening rolls around, I just want to be a lump on the couch. Which is a) not really possible because our kids need us to not be bumps on a log, and b) not even how I want to spend my time! The last few weekends have been super lackluster because I haven’t had the energy or brain space to plan anything. Then I end up being disappointed at how I spent my time.

    How do I slowly begin rebuilding my energy/endurance/capacity to make decisions? I have been defaulting to whatever is easiest or doing nothing at all. DH wanted to get takeout last weekend to lighten our load, and I couldn’t even decide what I wanted to eat! DH isn’t in a better spot than I am. He lost a parent to covid last year and is still cleaning up the resulting mess, in addition to grieving.

    I have a vacation coming up soon, and I am hoping beyond hope that it’ll be restorative. But again, can someone else take the wheel and make the decisions?

    1. One thing that has worked for me is to take some time, ahead of time, to sit down and make all the decisions at once. Look up possible weekend plans and write them down in a note on your phone, along with hours of operation, directions etc.
      Find the top 5 best take out places near you and do the same. Just keep going down the list. It’s so much easier to make the decision when you at least know what the good options are.

      1. This. Kendra Adachi (The Lazy Genius) calls this Decide Once. Check out her book, blog, podcast. I also recommend The Paradox of Choice as another good read on decision making.

    2. My strategy is a daily walk, preferably in the morning to get the blood flowing, I’m more energized all day. For the weekend, plan something easy – make a dinner reservation on the early side and get dressed up a little.

    3. We leave minor decisions to chance. Flip a coin, pull a slip of paper out of a hat, whatever. Just take as much off your “mental bandwidth” plate as you can, so you reserve it for what matters.

      1. Relatedly, remind youself that in most cases there is no wrong decision. So just pick one.

  12. Has anyone found a lighterish weight pullover with no hood? Criteria:
    -not simply a sweatshirt with no hood
    -no cheap fleece (for example, no fleece from old navy or target)
    -pullover, not a jacket
    -relaxed fit, but I want to be able to comfortably wear a jacket over it if I need to, hence no hood
    -ideally under $50, but willing to go a little higher for the right piece

    2. It sounds like you are looking for a lightweight crewneck (?) sweater – if you don’t want fleece look for wool or cotton. this sounds like something that should be easy to find…?

      1. Yeah this is just a cotton knit sweater. I have like 5 of these, they’re ubiquitous.

    4. Talbots micro fleece funnel neck. In the darker colors, it looks like a real sweater on video to boot.

    7. Note none of these are under $50 but what about Vineyard Vines Shep Shirt? Tuckernuck funnelneck sweater? Patagonia or LLBean fleece? Orvis cotton or merino sweaters?
      On the under $50 front, I recently got a Lands End quarter zip fleece for about $35 and am happy with it. Not sure what “cheap fleece” is compared to other fleece so can’t speak to that.

    9. Lands End Cozy Lofty knit cotton sweaters OR Banana Republic merino wool sweaters.

  13. Does anyone use a stick foundation? I just bought the Bobbi Brown stick to cover just my red areas during zoom calls as I don’t think I need foundation all over. But if I don’t cover the red it seems like it’s the only thing you see. I draw the stick on areas I need it and then blend it out lightly with the face brush from the same line. (Which was a gift with purchase when I bought the stick)

    I feel like I need a primer under this but not sure what to use. The line seems to recommend their own, the Bobbi Vitamin face cream and primer, but I’m open to recommendations, particularly something that works with a stick.

    1. Have you tried something like a BB or CC cream that would neutralize the redness? I use the NYX Mineral Veil, and I apply it all over but it doesn’t feel heavy or cakey.
      A primer would help the foundation apply more smoothly and last longer. Is that what you’re looking for?

      1. Yes, I think I need primer to make whatever I put on last and not cling to any underlying texture issues.

        I have Rx stuff for the redness but it’s a forever problem for me as a rosacea sufferer.

        1. As to BB and CC creams, I wear one on days where I’m out and about and not on Zoom all day, but because they contain mineral sunscreen ingredients (which is the only thing I can use) they create a shiny bounce-back on screen, hence the stick foundation for Zoom calls.

    2. I use IT Cosmetics Bye Bye Redness for Zoom days. No sunscreen, doesn’t require primer, but the downside is that the shade range is limited.

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