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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
J.Crew Factory is making a strong showing this season with its selection of work tops. This moody floral is one of my favorites. It would look fabulous styled with a pair of winter white trousers or underneath a navy sweater.
Some other lovely options include this sleeveless top with a touch of shimmer and this bottle green tie-neck. They’re all machine washable and available in a great range of sizes — it’s definitely worth a peek!
The blouse is $22.50 at J.Crew Factory and comes in sizes XXS–3X.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anon
JCF and BRF are really knocking it out of the park for 2021 and 2022.
Anonymous
What?!
BeenThatGuy
Agreed. I will say that I was shocked this top wasn’t from Loft from just looking at the picture.
Anon
Loft is the same category though?
Anon
I feel like AT/ATL are generally safe bets and may be your only mall store options (or maybe you know your size for consistent fit and it’s just easier for you). I can be lured to AT/ATL, but I start at BRF/JCF and there is a JCF a couple miles from home so I can try on in store vs guess and order (not 100% sure of my JCF size in various cuts / types of items).
BeenThatGuy
Yes, Loft is the same category. My comment meant the print and cut is the same as 1,000 tops Loft has released in the last decade.
Anon
Agree that this print is very much a LOFT look
Anonymous
+1. I assumed it was LOFT.
pugsnbourbon
Yep, totally though this was Loft.
Anon
I paused on a few items I wanted to buy and now they are sold out in most sizes, so the market seems to agree. I will say also as a pear, they have a shift shape that is still sheath-resembling otherwise and they have been good work dresses as they float over my hips and are thick enough (often lined) to hide that I’m wearing anti-chub-rub shorts underneath.
MagicUnicorn
I love this print. If it had long sleeves I would have bought it already, but it might just find itself in my shopping cart anyhow.
Anne-on
Agreed. I’ve been getting a surprising amount of work stuff from JCF this year and it’s all been really cute so far! I read the reviews closely but most of it is so reasonably priced I’m not super mad if I need to layer a cami underneath or if it’s a bit off in size.
Vicky Austin
They really have been great – I made up most of my going-back-to-the-office wardrobe of JCF (which worked a treat until I got pregnant!).
Anon
I think they also have maternity.
Vicky Austin
They do, but it’s a very basic selection; not nearly as fun as the regular.
Trish
I hate the cut and qualirty of JCF and BRF stores. I’ll stick with all the Ann Taylor and Loft stores. I used to live within 5 minutes of a AT Factory store and was in there all the time.
Anon
Ugh. This is the week of so much ‘tussin. So gunky that my nose is sore inside from blowing it. Was cold, then warmed up and rained, so all of the mold from earlier in the fall is having a bumper crop.
MagicUnicorn
Kind of gross, but a smear of old school petroleum jelly all the way up there does wonders for soothing raw nostrils.
Anon
Or lanolin, if your body has issues with petroleum byproduct.
Anon
When you were in school (high school or college), other than sports, what were some activities or clubs that were really meaningful or rewarding to you? I did a sport and went to a very poor, very blue-collar, very first-generation-immigrant-kid high school that had a literary magazine (and also a newspaper) that we actually printed and had an English teacher as a faculty advisor (basically: be in the room when we met and make sure no obscenities, etc. in the finish product). I wanted to be a writer (and now I write stuff on Edgar, so how it started is a bit different than how it’s going) and just loved writing submissions, getting submissions, discussing them, editing them, etc. It was magical. IDK if things exist like that (or with self-publishing, every kid who has a literary bent is doing that).
Anon
Best Buddies was very meaningful in high school
Anon
I’m an old, and I never did sports, but in high school, yearbook — my long term friends were all yearbook staff with me. And my church youth group. We did a lot of service projects together and were a really close group. It was actually a great group that I wished I could have replicated for my own teens but was never able to.
In college, student government.
My kidults have a more recent high school/college experience, and they both played multiple sports, but their high school Habitat for Humanity group was fantastic and bettered their lives in numerous ways.
Anon
I played 3 sports in high school (and one of them in college, D1) but I really loved being a writer and then editor of my school’s newspaper, a lawyer on our mock trial team, and a member of the debate team. A few of my friends did each of those activities too.
In college, I was a D1 athlete for 3 years, in a sorority, and I worked as an orientation leader and some during the school year jobs with the school’s leadership program. I also had a work study doing accounting for student clubs.
I’m a pretty involved adult too, but I do miss “clubs”.
Anon
I miss clubs, too.
Vicky Austin
I loved my time on the HS newspaper staff and learned so much. I also got great enjoyment out of music in school – I did choir for many years and later got sort of roped into band, where I met my best friend to this day.
In college, I met my husband doing student government, so I count that as meaningful.
Anon
+1000 to newspaper. I was editor in chief my senior year and I still think of the wonderful memories.
Vicky Austin
Same! It was a super important experience for me. I didn’t go into a field that has anything to do with it, but I don’t think that’s necessary for it to have been meaningful and valuable.
buffybot
I was in band for 4 years and it was great, but nothing compares in terms of personal meaning and growth to Speech & Debate. Our coach was one of the best teachers I ever had and I learned more from that activity than probably anything else, including (especially??) law school. I learned about important topics but more importantly how to think on my feet and express myself clearly. We also had FUN — profoundly nerdy fun. I continued it into college and it wasn’t quite the same, but it was also very meaningful for other reasons.
Anonymous
Totally agree. Speech, in particular, has had a lasting impact on my life, particularly now that I find myself in a role where I do a lot of public and semi-public speaking. It was a lot of fun, and I made great friends, but it was so valuable in skills-building.
Anon
+1 to everything here. I absolutely loved speech and debate. So much fun. So many really valuable skills learned. One of my debate partners is still one of my very best friends many years later. I won’t push my kids into it if they aren’t interested but I secretly hope at least one of them is because I loved it so much. And think it would be so cool to judge tournaments, etc
Anon
Debate.
Anon
We really tried to have debate. I got to found a debate club that was very meh. I did have to get an advisor on board and all that. But I tried at least.
Seafinch
I grew up on an economically marginalized island in remote eastern Canada. We had an incredible educator who implemented one of the first IB programs in Canada and ran the debating team. In addition to the IB, I debated for him and was one of hundreds of students he sent to the World Debating Championships. It attracted huge scholarships and so many opportunities for me. We routinely visited the most prestigious private schools in New England and moved me into an entirely different sphere. I feel like I owe everything to the doors opened by those early high school opportunities. I have the life I dreamed of. And routinely joke about my nerd street cred.
Anon
I was on the math team.
music
I did an assortment of sports/academic clubs/student government. But the one I am most grateful for is music – orchestra, chamber music, paying in the pit for musicals, gigs, competitions etc… Our high school orchestra toured Europe twice and visited 4 or 5 countries each time. I studied my instruments privately and went to intense music “camps” in the summer.
But my music friends from high school (and then later, college and grad school) have continued to be my friends my whole life. Our bonds are intense, and we can communicate without words. My music knowledge/appreciation/skills are there forever and there are musicians everywhere, community orchestras everywhere, concerts everywhere. It is amazing.
It is the best part of my life as a human being.
Anon
The youth orchestra in my small, very blue collar city are was stacked with talent and was where I met my tribe. It drew kids from approximately three counties (hour drive)
New Here
Marching band. I was 100% a band nerd and loved every minute of it. I made some of my closest friends through band. 20+ years later, I still love the sound of a band/drum line warming up on a fall night.
Anonymous
Same. I loved marching band and concert band. We went on trips, we did a camp with the middle school where we taught them how to play and march. It was fun.
Anon
I was in the orchestra but played violin, which isn’t in marching band. This was not discussed when picking instruments. Wish I had known.
Cat
Music (band, orchestra, etc), and tbh having a part-time job at a drugstore. Learning the value of a dollar and all that but also getting along with people of all ages and education levels.
pugsnbourbon
I played a sport, sang in the chamber choir, captained the academic team/quiz bowl and acted in the drama productions. I also wrote for the paper but it was a very bad paper. Same with the plays and musicals – we weren’t exactly pulling off Shakespeare. The academic team was a force, though. Small rural high school in the Midwest.
Anon
I wrote very basic articles, like I can remember the one I did on the new vending machine.
pugsnbourbon
My mom ran the yearbook so I skipped that, but it seemed like the kids who were involved really got a lot out of it.
JD
You sound like me. I was at a small rural high school in the Plains. I badly participated in a sport, sang in choir, captained the quiz bowl team, and acted in Drama. All my friends did the same clubs. I also loved the one honors English class we had. I thought our plays were decent. The bigger schools had the crazy production values, but talent is talent!
JTM
I am the most uncoordinated person in the world, so sports were not my thing. My favorite clubs/activities in HS (graduated in 2000) were
* Theater – my HS did a play in the fall/musical in the spring & I participated starting sophomore year
* My high school’s chapter of NSBE
* Japanese Club.
In college I continued to be involved in NSBE, and held both regional & national leadership roles. I was also very active in my campus’s Black Student Union, pledged the chemistry fraternity, and a historically Black sorority.
Nora
Science research and the competitions. I felt like such a grown up. I did a lot of interesting work that I was in charge of, and I’m convinced that my public speaking skills come from it. I didn’t do anything biology or science related in college, but it was still a great experience.
Anon
Doesn’t every kid do research now? I am in awe of how this even happens, but could just be parental connections and / or puppet master type parents?
Anonymous
yearbook and model un
Anon
I did model UN but was a joke. Everyone did it for the trip, which was very fun. We were Chad and did them dirty with our prep work, I’m afraid. Probably realistic for how the UN is — people come to party but some people are very serious.
Anonymous
Yearbook (editor in chief senior year), model un, theatre and quiz bowl plus various smaller clubs, literary magazine, various science and writing competitions etc. Loved all of them.
Curious
I loved Model UN. The teachers were a force of nature, and it’s where I learned that what’s in history books isn’t always the whole story.
Anonymous
We had student government at the county and state levels that gave us real opportunities for leadership and to be heard by school boards and legislators. We were able to address real issues facing students well beyond raising money for school dances/prom, which is mostly what my school student government focused on. It was also a great way to meet people from other schools and broaden horizons.
Anonymous
Latin club. Yea, I’m a huge nerd, but Latin Convention was fun.
Anon
YES! I was in Latin Club all four years, and I had a blast at state and national JCL conventions. I was also in all the music groups my small high school had to offer, and I continued with orchestra in college. Nerds of the World, UNITE!
Anon
Australian Latin nerd here!
A.
Mock Trial! I went to a pretty mediocre-to-crummy high school but our Mock Trial teams were magical, due in large part to our advisor. It was an incredible experience where a bunch of nerds and cool kids came together to excel. It taught me important speech/debate lessons as well as how to think on my feet and have the confidence to put myself out there.
Seventh Sister
High school drama club, but there was a little too much drama (I think the director was harsh in a way that wouldn’t be OK with teens today). I was also on Quiz Bowl, which was super fun and made me feel like The Fairy Princess of Nerd-land because it was like 80% boys, 100% nerds, and I was reasonably pretty.
Vicky Austin
Ha! you made me remember my time as the only 8th grade girl on the MS quiz bowl team – same thing!
Seventh Sister
Honestly, I’m a little bummed my kid’s school doesn’t have Quiz Bowl because it was so fun.
I remember getting a question right in a match against an all-boys prep school because I remembered a random fact from…a Babysitter’s Club book. It wasn’t a “girly” question, it was just a random geography fact.
Vicky Austin
I love that!
JD
Quiz Bowl went through a slump before my year. My friends all joined and we had an all girl team for a few years, that did reasonably well. I really liked it, but it seemed like the college teams were very intense and all dudes. I still play trivia in my adult life and once tried out for Jeopardy :)
Anon
Marching band. We were competitive and won statewide competitions, even though we were from a small town. I was a leader in my Jr and Sr years and I wouldn’t have been in any other activity, I’m guessing. And I got to play ensemble music, which is hard to find opportunities to participate in as an adult. I still miss it.
I signed up for a little volunteer band and orchestra for a single performance a few years ago, and I was so sad when it was over!!
Seventh Sister
Years ago, I went to the Rose Parade and happened to get seated next to the relatives/supporters of a small-town marching band. They were SO nice and SO proud of their wonderful young people (who were just as good as the college marching bands in the parade).
NYNY
This was outside of school, but I was in a regional ballet company. By high school I had daily dance class and rehearsals at least 3 days/week, including all day Saturday and Sunday. We had at least two major performances each year – a holiday run of the Nutcracker and something else in the spring or fall – and did a lot of smaller performances at events around the state. We got to travel to other states for regional dance festivals.
I learned so much from the experience, but the biggest thing was learning how to take rejection and keep going. Only one person got the solo, and if it wasn’t me, I had to be gracious and do the best I could in my part. I had to learn to take feedback as help and not criticism. And I had to learn to differentiate between the times where I could have done better and the times where I had no control over the outcome. That resilience is something I’ve been able to take with me in everything I have done since.
Seventh Sister
My eldest decided to concentrate on an instrument instead of sticking with ballet, but her dance school was a good experience for her in terms of getting along with others, facing rejection, and working hard at something even if you aren’t the best/the star/the favorite. The teachers/curriculum were reasonable and it was about as body positive as you could be in that arena. I’m not as wild about the music concerts as I was about the dance performances, but it’s her life and her interest.
Seventh Sister
I don’t have the best relationship with my own body/don’t have a great body image, but weirdly, hanging around the ballet studio for a few years actually helped with this stuff. The curvy moms had curvy daughters, the flat-chested moms had flat-chested daughters. The short stocky moms had short stocky daughters, the tall skinny moms had even taller skinny daughters. Anecdotally, there seems to be a huge genetic component to weight/body composition.
That said, my kid was one who had zero interest in competitions and rarely wanted to take extra classes. If she’d been more interested in being “serious,” I suspect she might have gotten some body-shaming talk because she is one of those kids that has a “ballet”-ish body but is not super-skinny (all bodies can do ballet of course but she has long limbs and a short torso).
NYNY
Oh yeah, I’d say that 95% of the dancers in the company developed some level of disordered eating. Dance culture is really bad on body image, and it’s hard to change the culture because it’s passed down from teacher to student, and the students become the next generation of teachers.
Anon
Wasn’t sporty or musical, and lacked interest in the regular clubs that were available or being part of a group activity (hello, deeply shy and didn’t fit in with my peers). I took studio art classes (drawing photography painting and illustration) on the weekends and in the summer at a local women’s art college. They were one of the only things I looked forward to for a while in HS. I got to go into the city for a day by myself, be in a studio environment, learn from professors, and really expand my artistic skills.
A
I am an old, but want to say that over the decades I have found ways to continue to participate in activities I first loved in high school. I sang in all the high school choirs including a 20 voice ensemble (of a 1700 student body) and have continued to love singing as a member of my church choir.
In high school I was co-editor of the newspaper and on the yearbook staff; and later as a part time worker and stay at home mom, I wrote and edited a portion of a regional denominational newspaper for more than a decade; after that as a law student I was on law review; and all of those experiences made me a better editor of my own writing.
Vicky Austin
Is My Raincoat Professional?
Kidding – kinda. After years of living in the frozen tundra, the holes in my coat wardrobe are for above-freezing temps and rain. I’m looking for something I can ask for for Christmas along these lines. Any useful search terms or favorite suggestions? Would the beloved Eddie Bauer trench be a good candidate?
Vicky Austin
Oops – the holes in my coat wardrobe are for above-freezing, rain, and wearing to work. Hence the professionalism joke.
Leatty
Yes! I bought the Girl on the Go trench based on a recommendation here, and it has been a great choice. It’s currently 50% off, so a great time to buy it.
Anon
It’s great – get the one with the removeable liner.
PolyD
Seconding that – the removable lining makes the coat very versatile and it has a hood!
Mrs. Jones
I’m wearing my Girl on the Go trench today. It’s great.
Anne-on
I have a lined Brooks Brothers trench that I bought to replace a Banana Republic trench that finally bit the dust after 10 odd years, and I wear it pretty frequently in the fall/spring. I highly recommend either a lined trench or (if you prefer something shorter but still waterproof) a ‘field jacket’. The Barbour one is $$$ but is shockingly warm if you get the vest underneath, I can easily wear mine in temps down to the 20s with a sweater underneath. Jcrew and LLbean also make good quality versions.
Anon
I have a plain black Marmot raincoat, which works well. I also usually use a trench coat (mine is London Fog from Macy’s) + umbrella. I know it’s popular here, but I don’t care for the look of the girl on the go trench.
Vicky Austin
I have Marmot and London Fog coats already, just not raincoat/trench coat, so thank you for those recs!
Curious
London Fog is one of the few brands that has deep enough hoods for me. We don’t do umbrellas that often in Seattle. Also I love the feel of their fabrics.
Vicky Austin
Good to know! I trust you unreservedly on rain ;)
Curious
Be cautious with that! Texas gets lots of hard rain, and we get lots of moderate drizzle. I don’t know if it changes the coat, but it might!
Anon
I had to get giant outerwear to fit over suit jackets, so they look a bit like I borrowed someone lather’s clothes if I am just in a dress or one layer of thin clothes. BUT it is more important to be ably to later a fleece then a puffer then a raincoat and look like the Michelin man versus being stylist. I live where it rains more than snows in the winter and I find the damp cold to be miserable. I grew up with real winter and could handle cold temps better than damp ones.
Cat
Burberry trench is a classic for a reason – mine is 13? years old and still looks great!
Anonymous
Boden has some cute raincoats, not sure about the level of professionalism.
Anon
I bought an LL Bean raincoat that has a zip out liner last year. It’s perfect for a lot of weather. I’m actually surprised how nice it is.
Anonymous
Talk to me about a Neti pot or the like. I live in a cold, dry area and keep waking up with a very dry and irritated nose. It’s now 9:30 and I still feel super dry…is it time for a nose irrigation of some sort?
PolyD
I’d try running a humidifier in your bedroom first, but I am very averse to putting anything up my nose.
Anon
This. Also, I swipe Vaseline in my nostrils with a qtip.
pugsnbourbon
+1 to all this. I tried a Neti pot once and decided self-waterboarding wasn’t worth the benefits.
Vicky Austin
All I can think of when I see a neti pot is Dwight Schrute sticking the spout of Pam’s teapot up his nose.
NYCer
A humidifier at night is a huge help.
Anon
Definitely run a humidifier at night. I have to do it every night.
dear reader
Neti pot will help clear you out if your nose is stuffed – I don’t think that’s what you need. +1 to the suggestions of humidifier and vaseline at night. After a cold I’ve also used a moisturizing chapstick directly on my nose and it really helps, and is easier to apply.
Anon
You might want to check out using a saline nasal spray? I am not suggesting nasal spray medication, just a small bottle of saline that says nasal spray. It’s a little less intense than a neti pot and pharmacies always have them.
Anonymous
+1 – they have ones that are JUST saline, nothing added; definitely in the baby section if you don’t see them by the pharmacy. I feel like I will eventually be at a neti pot but for now a saline spray helps me in the morning.
Anon
+2 to the saline spray. Helps so much! I use it to rinse daily. Helps keep it moist!
AnonaMist
Yes. The “mist” version of the old basic saline nasal spray has been a revelation. It keeps my nose so much clearer. I can actually breathe through my nose at night when I use it. (Search Arm & Hammer simply saline nasal spray to see an example, but I have the CVS brand.)
NYNY
Ayr makes a saline gel, which I find more helpful than the spray. I use a q-tip to dab it in my nostrils before bedtime and it allows me to breath through my nose all night. The saline spray helped me, but the gel is miraculous.
Curious
I love using a Neti Pot and find it more effective than a humidifier alone. It’s worth a try. I actually have switched to the NeilMed sinus rinse bottles, which are faster. Whatever you do, make sure to use boiled or distilled water for safety, and definitely use salt! You want the osmotic balance of the rinse to match your blood. Otherwise it will be painful and ineffective.
Anonymous
+ NeilMed instead of a classic neti pot.
Neil Med
+ again for Neil Med with distilled water. But not for dryness – for keeping your sinuses clear generally.
No Face
I am extremely dry this time of year. Drink more water, use a humidifier, and saline mist.
music
Other posters are correct – If dryness is your issue, then a humidifier is the answer. I run mine all day, but I have a large one that humidifiers my whole small house and I only have to fill it once a day. But if you are gone most of the day and only having trouble overnight, a humidifier in your bedroom should do the trick.
Neti pots are most often recommended for people with chronic rhinosinusitis/stuffed sinuses etc… to help clear them out. I mean, you can use it to add moisture, but they wont prevent you from waking up dry every morning. A humidifier is less work.
Anon
Baraka sells sinus care kits. You can get a Neti pot, salt, and oil to go in your nostrils afterwards. Or just use coconut oil.
Anon
alkalol for stuffiness Netia pots can be deadly
Nesprin
Arm and hammer makes saline sprays in a can that I’d trust for sterility over reusing a neti pot+ having to boil water. I keep mine in the shower and it does help keep down the nose funk.
Elderlyunicorn
Ponaris nasal emollient! So much better than Vaseline. Dip a q-tip, swab your nose. Amazing
Celia
Okay guys. Please help me improve my look! After 2 kids and years mainly WFH, I’m now back socializing and going to work (BigLaw). And I look….frumpy. I own nice clothes, but I think everything looks lackluster on me. Yesterday was a good example – I paired new Frame jeans with a silk black blouse and what would have been a great look in the before times just read…boring and a little sad. I think some of this may just be that the nicer parts of my wardrobe are dated trend wise, and that my body – even 2 years after kids – is still softer and rounder than it was before so things hang slightly differently. But I cant just rebuy everything. So what advice do you have for helping my look out and making the most of what things during this awkward phase? I’m also wondering if posture is a problem – it’s definitely gotten worse these past two years and I think perhaps that makes clothes hang less nicely. I tried to brighten my look yesterday with red lipstick but while I loved it in person I was on zoom most of the day and it looked pretty harsh so I still ended up bummed out about my look!
Anne-on
I’d play with makeup/hair/accessories. Your outfit sounds lovely but maybe a bit unfinished if you didn’t have earrings/bracelet/belt/scarf/fun shoes? I realized quickly that if I’m going to be on camera I tend to need blush AND mascara or I look dead. Someone mentioned this the other day – putting blush on the tip of my nose (not a ton, just use whatever is left on your brush) really wakes up my face too.
pugsnbourbon
I’ve been trying the blush across my nose thing the last couple days and agree, it’s cute and helps me look awake.
Anon
As a rosacea person the thought of adding more red to my nose makes me run screaming from the room. Haha
Cat
Red lips and black top can go severe on camera! I always need more blush than I think for video days.
Also, I feel silly, but setting up one of those face-size ring lights behind my laptop has vastly improved my confidence on video!
Anonymous
make sure your bras are up to date
maybe watch influencers to see what you think really makes their outfits stand out. a lot of times it’s just the sunglasses or huge coat they’ve paired on top of it. if you’re at home you’re also missing the shoe component of the outfit, which always makes my outfit feel more put together – it’s hard to feel stylish in socks.
i also just realized i’m a dark winter and need contrast so i’ve been trying to up my eyebrow and lip game more than i have – maybe look into the colors assessment thing and see if there are any tweaks like that you can make?
Anne-on
A big +1 to this, I wandered into a proper bra store over the summer while on vacation and the lady running it politely but firmly told me the size I thought I should be wearing was wrong and sized me in a few different brands/styles. I walked out with 4 new bras, looked like I lost 5lbs instantly, and felt SO much better.
Anon
I hate to say it but real shoes with some height and structure make all the difference between boring frump and fabulous. Also third pieces help, too.
Anonymouse
Sounds like a solid and beautiful base- play it up with a belt and shoes in a print or color you like. Add jewelry. Lipstick or whatever makeup you like (eyes, lips, cheeks, etc). I’m a big fan of solids like you describe (jeans and a solid top) and I always forget the accessories which makes the outfit look functional but a bit boring.
No Face
The base of your outfit seems great. Play around the edges: boots, jewelry, blazers, sweaters. Try out new lips colors.
Cora
Especially since you mention Zoom – what about your haircut? I feel like an outfit like what you describe + my hair having a good day + nice earrings would be a good look.
Anonymous
A good haircut and trendy jewelry around the face will make a difference, especially with a classic base like this.
Anonymous
Your outfit sounds pretty. I’ve recently topped something similar with a longish double breasted blazer and some lug soles booties and felt pretty current. (Lived through the 90s the first time and cringing at a lot of it but those chunky boots were always a favorite of mine! Pick your favorite current tend and try it!) You might also treat yourself to some really fabulous coats, shoes or accessories if you’re not ready for new everything.
Also consider some updated beauty. Whether that’s a new hair style, a makeup lesson, a facial or a treatment we need to reconsider our beauty routines periodically. When I feel blah a
Dr. Gross alpha beta daily peel followed by a sheet mask is a recipe for pretty skin. Also two kids in big law? You have my permission to spend a day at the spa and the mall. You’ll feel better I promise!
Trish
Maybe look into color theory and see if your palatte has changed with your hair color? You may just need to buy clothes that flatter your skin tone and eyes.
Trish
Oh, and google how to set up the lighting in your office! Strong overhead lighting will make you look terrible.
Anonymous
You need a third piece. Sweater, jardigan, jacket, whatever. You also probably need something with a little more structure. I have a friend who has been amazing at helping me go through my clothes and turn pieces into outfits that feel finished and polished – I keep trying to persuade her to become a consultant and do this for others as well, because it is really hard!
Wine
This is a hard one to write but I need a place I can ask anonymously. Has anyone struggled with their relationship with alcohol that wasn’t, I guess , the “typical” alcoholic that you might picture, and if so what helped? I can’t talk to my doctor honestly about how much I drink but I really want to cut back. I use wine to go to sleep- on the rare night I don’t have it my mind races all night and the stress from work and life is overwhelming. Most nights I have two big glasses of wine – so about three to four bottles a week. I know this can’t be good for me long term (and short term!). I’m overweight, probably a little depressed. I’m only drinking at night , never during the day , and I don’t get black out drunk or anything, but I also don’t want to live like this. I also feel very panicky when I think about not drinking for a night, which feels like a big problem too. Would love any resources or words of encouragement. I have an almost two year old, and I really want to get healthy for them. I am 36 and my body feels like junk, I don’t want to be someone who dies at 50 or has bad health issues
Anonymous
Is just wine in the house your weakness? Maybe gift the wine you have and don’t keep wine on hand? I’m like this with chocolate. We have other treats but chocolate I just can’t have in the house or I stress eat whatever is in the pantry.
Maybe pick up some great herbal flavoured chamomile teas so you have a replacement drink.
Anne-on
I’m so sorry you’re having a difficult time. It sounds like you’re using alcohol to self medicate your anxiety (which is so, so common) and that the root issue is more the anxiety/stress/mind racing and not the wine. I’d start by trying to address that – I’ve had anxiety/stress/depression since I was a teen and found that I need medication PLUS lifestyle changes but there are a lot of things you can start doing before ramping up to meds. What about taking melatonin at night instead of wine and seeing if that helps? I also have the Obe workout app and there are a LOT of 10 minute evening meditations/wind down yoga classes. Melatonin gummies plus yoga in bed knocks me right out. I’d also start journaling or talk therapy – what are your sources of stress/anxiety? How do you respond best to working through them (hard workouts, getting outdoors, talking to a friend, coloring, tea and silly movies – lots of options to pick from). Finally – I’d give your partner a heads up that you’re having a rough time and could use their support while you try some things to help – it will make you a better partner and better mom so I hope they’d support that!
Anon
I’d go ZzzQuil if you’re using two glasses of wine now, melatonin isn’t as strong. ZzzQuil is NyQuil without the cold/flu stuff and it will knock you out.
Anonymous
Do not self-medicate with ZZZQuil. It’s not meant to be used more than once in awhile and can have toxic results if you use too often. I would start with melatonin. Or approach your doc about actual medication.
Anon
Hmm, I’m still alive . . .
Anon
Anon at 11:33, you absolutely are not supposed to be taking ZzzQuil regularly to sleep. Just because you’re “still alive” that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Constant use of diphenhydramine – the active ingredient in ZzzQuil – may have long-term cognitive effects, and the most common side effect is that you become dependent on it and will not be able to sleep without it. Just because it’s available OTC doesn’t mean it’s safe. Link with more info: https://healthtalk.unchealthcare.org/how-over-the-counter-sleep-aids-can-hurt-your-brain/
Anonymous
You may still be alive, but my nightly use for 6+ months resulted in me having double-vision. I assume this is rare side effect, but it’s still not meant to be used every single night.
Dogs
Please read Quit Like a Woman and the This Naked Mind. Immediately. Go buy it now and read it.
Your mind racing is actually caused by alcohol. Alcohol doesn’t help it.
I was in your spot, and my life has drastically improved (in spite of all of my protests) by cutting way way back on booze.
Anon
+1 to these books. I abused alcohol to numb my anxiety and emotions around trauma for two decades. I was drinking more than you . . . recognizing that you don’t like your relationship with alcohol in a society that celebrates the use of alcohol for almost every situation is a big deal and I am really proud of you.
I am a person who cannot have just one drink, so I am now sober. For me, and I emphasize FOR ME, when I was finally ready, I said no more and that was the end of it. I had to fill my habit though with other things. I am now a connoisseur of sparkling water and calming teas. I also found that I can enjoy NA wine and beer without it triggering me so I do that on occasion at parties or BBQs.
Anywhoooo, my life is different now but immensely better. My two decade long battle with depression has ended, I have learned how to acknowledge and feel my emotions, I have learned how to be who I truly am as a person, without the mask of alcohol. It’s been hard sometimes, sure, but 100% worth it. I am in the best shape of my life, my skin looks great, I feel great, and I am no longer the sometimes angry drunk. Life is really good on the other side!
Seafinch
Agreed, those are the two authors I recommend below (and were recommended here in the past). Life changing for me though This Naked Mind didn’t pack a huge punch the first time I read it. But it started the journey for me.
Anon
You can say you have trouble sleeping when you don’t drink, and that you’re concerned about self medicating. If you you want to disclose more, you can say you’re becoming dependent on drinking for sleep.
Anon
And if you want to admit very very little, you could say that you had wine and it helped you sleep so much that you wonder if you could use help sleeping or winding down at night.
Anon
Raises hand! If your drinking is a problem for you, that’s enough of a problem to be worth tackling.
When I quit, I gave myself permission to eat/drink whatever I felt like in place of the beer. Fresca in a wineglass? Yes please! Talenti is BOGO at the supermarket? Sign me up! Spindrift > LaCroix. I still drink more Diet Coke than is probably good, but it’s my only vice left.
I was a little bit jittery for a few weeks and definitely felt better if I was busy or doing something with my hands. Just like any breakup, staying busy helps, especially once you start feeling your feelings in color again. r/stopdrinking is a great subreddit. I did not reverse signs of aging, drop 20 pounds, and I’ve always had a face for radio. I need something a lot stronger than quitting drinking to have any sort of glow-up :-)
Quitting drinking eliminated my hot flashes/night sweats, so for a while, that was the only reason I “stayed quit”. Then COVID came along, and I was SO thankful I’d quit. If I hadn’t, I’m almost certain it would have increased to an unsustainable level. It’s been 3 years now, and I only occasionally miss it. I’ve never caught grief from any friends/acquaintances/coworkers for not drinking. I found an n/a beer I really like when I want a taste (I was the person who actually liked and drank IPAs before it was cool). The guys who empty my recycling have way less work to do.
Anonymous
Which N/A do you like?
Anon
Athletic Brewing Upside Dawn and Lagunitas IPNA are my faves!
Athletic’s dark brew is really good too… a stout/chocolate/mocha.
The calorie count is low, too if you’re that’s something you pay attention to.
Anon
+1 to Athletic Brewing generally, also Faux Fox!
Anon
Hi – I’d suggest going to an AA meeting to just see if it resonates with you. You don’t ever have to go back so you’re really only trying out one hour of your time. Kudos for reaching out on this!
Anon
One of my very good friends was exactly in the same position as OP and tried this. AA resonated with her in a major way, and she feels considerably better after regularly attending and giving up alcohol.
Please take care of yourself OP. You can do this :)
Seafinch
I struggled. I come from a big drinking culture. No one would have ever said I had a problem but I wasn’t happy and felt conflicted about the consumption. I am extremely health and wellness motivated and it didn’t mesh. I ruminated on things I read here and did a series of dry periods (corresponding to intense training periods), did a deep dive into science reading and joined some groups. I really like Sarah Rusbatch’s work. I did a one month challenge with her and haven’t looked back. I don’t think I ever will. I miss some of the ritual but am happier to just not be a drinker any more for a thousand reasons. The reading was key for me. It was a process. It’s radical in my circles. It’s also liberating. Our dear friend died leaving her two kids and I just felt I couldn’t do something that impact my health like that anymore. I liked Annie Grace, Holly Whitaker, and I think Allan Carr is good but I haven’t read him.
Seafinch
Well Women Collective on Facebook is a great group. I followed a bunch of sober “influencers” on Instagram. Sober Fishie, Jolene Park, etc and I will say, your sleep will be transformed. The wine knocks you out BUT prevents good sleep. If you go off, it changes everything.
Anonymous
Thank you for recommending Sarah Rusbatch – I just signed up for her January challenge. ($64 US if you use the code.) I did one with Rachel Hart a year or two ago (Take a Break) and was glad to have taken a break but wasn’t ready to quit at that point.
I absolutely drink too much but would love to still have a cocktail now and then (just not maybe 10+ a week)… trying to psych myself up for a year of sobriety for health and weightloss.
couldn’t stand Annie Grace but it was the audiobook and her cutesy voice made me want to stab myself.
Seafinch
Sarah was the turning point for me. Her experience was so relatable to me. Money VERY well spent. I only read Grace but I also love Sarah’s accent.
Anon
Why can’t you talk to a doctor? I think you’d be surprised at what the “typical alcoholic” looks like.
doc
+1
As a doctor, I would love it if you could mention this with me. I would not be focused on the alcohol at all, but your sleep and symptoms of anxiety which we could easily work on together.
Anonymous
You absolutely can be honest with your doctor! This is common and saying “can we talk about mental health? I’m feeling depressed and I’m drinking 4-5 glasses of wine a night to fall asleep. I’d like to change this but I need help.”
Vicky Austin
I don’t have advice, but I want to appreciate that you were brave enough to type all that out and press send. You’ve done the hardest part and we’re here to help.
anon
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. If you don’t feel like you can tell your doc, can you try a new one? A doctor can recommend/prescribe other tools like medicines and therapy that address the issues you’re trying to address with alcohol. The other tools will work better with fewer side effects.
The problems you’re facing are really common ones that doctors deal with all the time. Not going to a doctor for this is like not going to a doctor for a broken arm. They can help!
anon
Do you follow TherapyforWomen on insta? That links to a lot of good resources on evaluating your relationship with alcohol, especially if the thought of going to an AA meeting is not your cup of tea.
AcademicDoc
First, I want to normalize what you are experiencing. It’s very common. There is a lot that has gone into it from both structural (pandemic, isolation of new motherhood, etc) perspective as well as problematic narratives around women and particularly mothers of young children around alcohol. From a public health perspective, over the last several years we have seen a change in the epidemiology of alcohol use disorders and the related health complications. There has been a general increase, but a particularly marked increase in women. All this to say, you are not alone.
As a physician, I am very troubled to hear that you are not comfortable speaking to you PCP about this. If this is because of fear of stigma, I’m sorry and please consider being candid or changing providers.
As far as what works, the first thing that works is often getting other mental health pieces under control. If that’s depression or anxiety for you, seek treatment for those. The second thing is that my sister recently went through this and used an app called ReFrame and was really successful. Other things that work for people include doing a hard reset with alcohol with something like dry January, or tapering down (trying one glass for a week or more, then half a glass for a week or more, etc.)
The hardest piece is being honest with yourself that you are not happy with your relationship with alcohol and then doing something about it. I come from a family with lots of problem drinking and am really glad you are noticing prior to many negative consequences.
Anon
The problem with stigma is that our electronic medical records can follow us everywhere we go, forever. It’s not about whether we trust our personal provider, but about whether we trust the total strangers reading our medical record in some random ER that happens to belong to the same healthcare conglomerate.
Anon
I save wine for weekends although I was giving in to temptation a few times a week during covid. Stopped the week day drinking because of weight gain and poor sleep. Alcohol actually messes up your sleep. You will pass out but wake up in the night or at the least never enter the most restful phase of sleep.
Probably this will be unpopular here but — I will take a thc gummy about 40 min before bed. Not every night but usually Monday and Tuesday when I seem to struggle with sleep. I live in a legal state. I get some warm fuzzies but only take 5 mg so I’m not “high”. I fall asleep and stay asleep. I’m not messed up and wake up if there is noise from my cat or 6 year old. I just sleep really well.
Melotonin doesn’t work for me but does for my husband … may be worth a shot. Or some otc sleep aids. When I was pregnant I often took the one that pregnant women can take (unisom?).
You need something to break the habit/reliance on wine for sleep, basically.
Anon
+1 to sleep aids, I’m not horrified at all by your THC. I love CBD for sleep, same basic idea.
thanksgiving anxiety
+1 there is nothing like edibles for me as far as falling and staying asleep. I actually do get extremely high but I’m only awake for 5 minutes tops after it hits so it doesn’t really matter.
However, elevates my heart rate through the night similar to alcohol and I stopped using it completely for some time due to fertility reasons (research is inconclusive). I use melatonin now which works for me about 50% as well. I will occasionally take THC as a last resort- ie need to fall asleep like 3 hours earlier than usual/red eye flights.
Chamomile tea has been my thing lately but it might be placebo.
You could also look into tart cherry juice, which some say aids sleep. I wouldn’t rely on that long term due to the sugar content, but maybe it could replace the second glass of wine as you taper down. It kind of has a $3 trader joes red wine vibe.
ELS
I’m in a similar boat. For me, drinking before bed for sleep was related to 1) my anxiety (that it turns out for me was related to undiagnosed ADHD) and 2) my lifelong trouble sleeping (see also: ADHD).
I’m now properly medicated for my diagnosis, which includes a non-stimulant and a sleep aid in the evening, and getting proper sleep for the first time ever has been truly life changing.
OP – I didn’t address alcohol use directly with my PCP when I started out looking for solutions (and I still drink on weekends, though much, much much less than before). I talked about the symptoms I was having, and also mentioned that I was worried about self-medicating for them. You’ve gotten some excellent recommendations both for quitting alcohol and mental health resources, and I hope you are able to find a solution that lets you live a full, abundant, and vibrant.
Anonymous
I recommend treating it as a habit you want to break. Don’t keep wine in the house and replace the ritual of a glass at night with something else- like tea. Find another way to zone out at night. For me it was reading in bed with tea instead of watching tv with a glass of wine.
I didn’t want to stop drinking entirely but I realized it was too much and used the above to cut way back.
FP
I approached this the same way – my husband (kindly) pointed out when I was complaining about weight gain that maybe having 2 glasses of wine a night wasn’t helping me be what I want to be. So I decided to just stop during the week, which also made it a lot easier to stop a lot on the weekends. I also started signing myself up for a Saturday morning workout class that I don’t want to feel groggy for, so I now only really have wine on Saturday evenings. I do use a stemless wine glass for sparkling water with a slice of fresh citrus at night, which feels like a treat. Sometimes I will have a decaf coffee in the evening if I want something warm. Good luck!!
Anonymous
there is no such thing as a ‘typical’ alcoholic.
if you don’t want to be someone who dies at 50 or has bad health issues then you *need* to be honest with your doctor, because -and i can’t stress this enough- what you have described is the behaviour of an alcoholic.
talk to your doctor, and really consider attending an AA meeting.
hugs and best of luck!
Explorette
Are you me? I am the same. So first know that you are not alone! I second the recommendations to not keep wine in the house and to try a gummy instead. Or melatonin. Or try only one glass of wine instead of two.
I listened to a great podcast the other day (I wish I could remember it) that said the wake up in the middle of the night with your thoughts spinning is amplified by wine. So what motivates me is that I really enjoy a good nights sleep, so I don’t drink wine to “protect my sleep.” It does take a couple days of no wine to get there first, which makes it hard to stick with it.
Anon
One thing my doctor told me that may be helpful: alcohol can be helpful with falling asleep, but alcohol-induced sleep is poor quality and you usually don’t stay asleep the entire night, even if you are not conscious in the morning of having woken up several times. I was having a drink or two before bed and still felt exhausted; when I brought this up to him he explained what was happening. The poor alcohol-induced sleep becomes a self-repeating cycle – you don’t sleep well, so then you drink the next night trying to get sleepy (and might drink more thinking it will have better effect), then you don’t sleep well again, etc. He told me sleep hygiene is absolutely essential and recommended melatonin no more than once a week if I can’t sleep.
For me, sleep hygiene is:
– Making sure I go to bed on time every night (for me it’s at 9:30)
– I use F.lux on my computer and Bedtime Mode on my phone and tablet to make sure I’m transitioning out of blue light prior to bedtime
– I shower before bed, with the lights dimmed
– Get into bed by 10
– Read for a bit but then shut the lights off at 10:30
– We installed blackout shades in our bedroom so it is DARK in there and I also put electrical tape over several small lights on electronics so they wouldn’t shine at night.
I do use melatonin to get to sleep – you have to take it a half-hour to an hour before you want to fall asleep, which is not always helpful when it’s midnight and I can’t sleep and I know if I take it, I won’t be sleeping before 1 a.m. (and then I have to get up at 6:30). But better than nothing. I use melatonin gummies that are 5mg and usually only eat one; some nights I will eat two but I try not to do that too often, as I then feel foggy the next day.
It’s great that you recognized there might be a problem and want to do something about it. I think tapering back on the wine (I would not go cold-turkey!) and working on sleep hygiene and using some melatonin could help. But don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor – they have seen/heard everything, trust me – or a therapist if you feel like it could help. Good luck!
Anon
Sorry, just want to clarify – I don’t use melatonin every night but the week before my period I will use it 1-2 nights. Sometimes I also need it the week before I ovulate, but again, I only take it 1-2 nights and I try not to take it two nights in a row. My sleep is absolutely affected by my hormonal cycle, especially now that I am perimenopausal.
Anne-on
This is a good point – insomnia is my first ovulation symptom, there are always 1-2 nights about 2 weeks before my period when I just cannot sleep for any reason no matter what unless I take melatonin/a CBD gummy.
Senior Attorney
My husband and I do Dryuary every year and it’s a great way to re-set our relationship with alcohol. Maybe start with that? Also I have a friend whose doc prescribed Naltrexone for alcohol overuse so you might want to talk to your doc about that.
Anon
J agree with everyone else that you’re self medicating. You need to have a doctor you can talk to about this so change doctors if necessary. Lead with “I have anxiety and insomnia, and I’ve been using wine to combat both, but I wonder if there are healthier solutions.”
anon1
Wine OP, just want to say that I believe you have valid reasons for being unable to talk to your doctor and I give you permission to ignore every commenter here saying you should. You know your situation best and we should trust that.
healthcare in the US is a disaster and very very few people actually have meaningful relationships with good PCPs. I don’t think you need a doctor to stop drinking.
Trish
You would be surprised how many women in AA are wine-at-home-every-night drinkers. Look up a women’s meeting in your area, go and listen, and see if you hear anything that makes sense to you. They will ask your name and you can just say your are there to listen.
Anonymous
I agree with 9:56. It sounds like you’re using alcohol to self-medicate for anxiety. Could you send an email to your doctor’s office, basically copying and pasting what you’ve said here, and ask for advice or an appointment to talk about this? I would highly recommend trying an anxiety medication like Lexapro in conjunction with getting sober.
Sending so much love. You aren’t alone.
Anon
Hi! Maybe you are interested in/curious about not drinking anymore? I stopped last year. Regarding the transition from drinking one day to not drinking the next: Sleep is a real concern, and what others have said is true. You are trying to solve the problem drinking is causing, by drinking. Your brain has decided that since you do it every day it must be good/fine, so now your brain WANTS you to drink. I do suggest other drugs for the first couple of evenings without alcohol – just lying there chasing my spinning thoughts did not sound appealing to me, so I used something to knock me out for the first three nights (two?).
Regarding stopping altogether, I was TERRIFIED of what my life would be like if I didn’t drink. I saw no possible life scenario with any kind of pleasure, relaxation, or enjoyment. I guess I thought I would just stare at the wall during the time I had typically been drinking? My life is pretty much the same now, but minus one huge problem. Also I’m not as entertained by T.V., and I read more. And drink more tea. And my relationship is way better, and I lost ten pounds and have more money.
The book “Quit Like a Woman” has a very annoying name but helped me a great deal. Lots of good stuff in there about eff the patriarchy, the advertising industry, and capitalism, and neat stuff like the way brains work. I listened to the audiobook while walking around. You can download the Libby app and get it from the library, and no humans will be notified that you are listening to this book with an annoying name about a very personal issue you are trying to think about.
Lizard
Absolutely, commenting here in case you check back. Without getting into details, I identified that I had a drinking problem in my mid-20s. I was super-high-functioning, had an elite job, did great in school, had healthy friendships and a boyfriend, all that, so not the “typical alcoholic”. But I still determined I was not in control of my drinking and was drinking more than I wanted to, which sounds like where you are.
I ended up stopping drinking completely, cold turkey. It was the only way it could work for me, since obviously alcohol lowers inhibitions, and I never saw the appeal of just having one or two drinks. I’ve not had a drink in 12+ years (woohoo!).
I went to one AA meeting, but all the attendees were the more “typical alcoholics,” and as a person who hadn’t hit rock bottom and had a great life, I didn’t feel like it was a great fit. But you may find it helpful to just try one out.
My go-to drink is now club soda with lime. It looks “drink-ish,” tastes yummy, and I only have it when out at bars so it feels kind of special.
I can absolutely relate to the “mind racing at night” problem. I recommend Magnesium supplements. Also, what REALLY helps me is putting in one Airpod and listening to a podcast – Stuff You Should Know is my go-to, it’s just interesting and funny enough to distract me from my thoughts, but generally positive and boring enough to soothe me to sleep. Honestly, listening to a podcast while falling asleep has changed my life.
Also FWIW, when I quit drinking, I lost 10 pounds without changing anything else. Alcohol has a ton of calories and causes a lot of bloat. So stopping cold turkey and seeing those results may also be a good motivator.
Anon
I’m really liking flare and boot cut jeans with fun boots this winter, but I struggle with what tops to wear with them! I”m 27 so my entire teenage and adult years were dominated by skinny jeans so I’m really confused on what to wear with other shapes now! I’m a size 6 due to COVID weight, but usually have been a 4 so struggling with how to dress this bigger body while I lose the weight, I’m generally into fashion but have no interest in adopting the Gen Z fashions – just trying to be an on trend millennial.
I can’t wear jeans to work, so just need ideas for going out with friends on nights or weekends (mostly hanging at a bar or someone’s apartment, going to dinner or the occasional house party, concert, or sporting event. No clubs or anything).
Anon
I feel like the answer is always chunky black tneck sweater.
Senior Attorney
Shorter-than-you’re-used-to chunky black tneck sweater.
Anonymous
cropped or fitted — nothing should be longer than your hip bones. the french tuck looks ok with boot but weird with flare, IMHO.
Anon
Yes – that’s what I”m struggling with. With skinny jeans it was skinny pants + looser top and now it’s the inverse and I don’t know what types of fitted tops to look for! I’m okay with a very minimal crop (more like skimming the top of my pants) but don’t want to expose my stomach until I get back in shape!
anon
Basically any sweater from Abercrombie would work. Yes, I know, but Abercrombie has changed a lot since we were in middle school. I also love the Wilfred tie-front blouse from Aritzia when going on dates.
Celia
I am the commenter above re feeling frumpy with changing styles and body, and so just posting here to commiserate! We are the same, including the awkward frustration of going from 4 to 6 where things still “fit” but…don’t look the same or don’t actually fit right.
Anon
Same, but slow slide from 4-6-8 and I don’t understand current denim at all. Perimenopause means it may e permanent but I still own a lot of clothes in bins and am pertually shopping for my new shape/size.
Anon
Ugh Kyrsten Sinema.
Anon
She wasn’t going to survive a primary anyway. But I truly cannot stand her. It’s never enough attention for her. And her style is horrible. It’s not just quirky. She always looks like a clown.
Anon
I agree so much about her style. It’s so bad I get mad when I see pictures of her.
Aunt Jamesina
I mean at least this clown is in costume.
Senior Attorney
I feel like her style is just straight-up disrespectful of the office.
Anon
+1
Exactly this.
Yesterday’s picture with a bright blue sequined skirt… like… really? really?
Anonymous
Honestly her style adds to the “unstable and unreachable” vibe she has going. I can’t think of a stronger example for what NOT to do and why it matters for young women and others just entering the work force.
Anon
+1 to “unstable and unreachable”. She looks like someone impossible to have a conversation with.
Anon
What did she do now?
Anon
Switched parties to being an independent! But fortunately they don’t need her.
Anon
Left the Democratic Party
Anon
I had such high hopes for her when she was first elected. She’s fallen so far.
Anon
I’m glad she’s leaving. She wasn’t a Democrat anyway. Everything about her screams “My whole thing is that I just want attention.” So now she’ll get her attention for this, and then next week she can go buy some more metallic go-go boots and wear them with a thrift-store grandma-tweed skirt and think that constitutes her “having her own look.” Someone needs to tell her that there is a wide gulf between having “quirky and idiosyncratic” personal style and just looking like a hot mess. She’s not Betsey Johnson or Iris Apfel, by a long mile.
Anon
What are your favorite flat work shoes right now? I’m looking for a pair that’s not too trendy that can be my everyday shoes. Thank you!
Anon
MGemi stellato — pointy-toe flats.
pugsnbourbon
These are on the casual side, but they’re very comfy: https://smile.amazon.com/Dr-Scholls-Shoes-Womens-Webster/dp/B07YVTB3T2?ref_=ast_sto_dp&th=1&psc=1
anon.
Rothy’s the Point in black. Size up a half size.
Obligatory referral code –
https://share.rothys.com/x/Ky1ot4
Anonymouse
I alternate between Rothy Points and Naturalizer Samanthas most days at work (they live at the office). I have a cute pair of Danskos lurking in the corner for days when my feet need more support.
Panda Bear
Madewell Frances Loafers. They took a little breaking in, but are now very comfortable.
Anon
I’m wearing loafers now
Vicky Austin
LifeStride Traveler loafers have been my workhorses this fall.
Anonymous
Cole Haan Women’s Grand Ambition Slip-On Loafer in black. I have last year’s version, which had a cute gold accent on the trim at the tip. White soles though, so may run casual.
Anon
Question for those of you who take hair/nails vitamins. I’ve noticed that the daily dosage seems to be 2 or 3 pills/gummies. Do you take them all together or separately throughout the day? I’ve been taking them for about a month without a noticeable improvement and was wondering if that was the reason.
Anon
I’m not sure about nails, but the hair growth cycle is very slow, so any changes take a long time to show up. Like, 6 months to a year of consistency. Having said that, my hair vitamins instruct to take one pill in the morning and one later in the day, so that’s what I’ve been doing. I’m not sure if it matters!
Anon
I buy them every time I’m growing out my bangs and I do t think they work. They make me think I’m doing something. I take a couple whenever I need a treat, which is how I view gummy vitamins generally.
Betsy
Not specific to hair/nail vitamins, I try to take my vitamins throughout the day because your body can only absorb so much at a time.
Anon
I take the recommended 2 in the morning every day. Nail growth is much slower than you imagine. I had an injury to a toe nail which prompted me to start taking them and it took about 9 months to notice a difference.
Anonymous
It’s probably better to take collagen peptides in powder form instead of gummies.
Anon
What do the instructions say? Follow those.
Sometimes it is ok to take them together. But for a lot of things if it says take 2 per day, you need to separate them over 12 hours because they wont be absorbed properly if you take them together. Usually the instructions explicitly say take one pill twice a day, but I have had some supplements that do not clarify how to take the two pills.
They also don’t tell you about drug/vitamin/food interactions on most supplement bottles, so I always enter my meds/vitamins/supplements on one of the online sites that allows you to keep a list of all your medications and checks for drug interactions.
For example, when I take the hair supplement Viviscal (1 pill twice a day – the version with iron) – I have to separate it from my morning vitamins because I take calcium in the morning and calcium and iron block/interfere with the other’s absorption. I also take an iron pill once a day, so I have to separate that from my calcium and Viviscal. And if you take both Viviscal at the same time, that is wrong because multiple things in that supplement will be dosed too much at once.
Unfortunately, doctors almost never tell you this.
And I agree that you often need months to see hair benefits.
Anon
My discipline has completely disappeared over the last few years. I can’t bring myself to be engaged at work, exercise regularly, cook meals, etc. I know part of this is just regular winter malaise but I need to snap out of it because it’s making me feel worse. I know lots of people have been through this lately – does anything work to get you out of it? Or do I just need to try my best to fake it / force it until I actually feel driven again?
Anon
I could have written this word for word! I’m still working through it, so no advice. For the winter malaise point though, I did get a sun lamp from CVS and have been enjoying my morning coffee, reading, and sunlamp time. When I’m unmotivated, I have a really hard time getting out of bed before the absolute last minute so having this time has made it a little easier to get moving a little earlier.
Anonymous
Self-discipline is overrated. I have more success by making the thing I need to do the easiest and/or most attractive option. For exercise, sign up for a group fitness class or on-line program that you like, join an adult ballet or martial arts class, walk your dog, whatever you find genuinely fun so it’s something to look forward to instead of a chore. Prep delicious healthy breakfasts and lunches so it’s easier to grab a superhero muffin or a fancy salad from the fridge than to stop into Starbucks for a pastry or order delivery. Keep La Colombe canned lattes in your fridge instead of soda. Etc. And prioritize sleep. If you eat well, get moving, and sleep, it is much much easier to focus on work.
Anon
Ohhh. This is a good point. I’m going to think about how to make the things I need to do more enjoyable. Thank you!
Anon
It is really great advice, and not that hard once you make it a habit.
No Face
My drive is finally back, but it took addressing my burnout. Focused on sleeping first, then exercise, now work. One focus until it is a habit.
pugsnbourbon
Yeah … I didn’t realize how long it takes to get over burnout. I was just thinking about this last night.
Anon
How long does it take??
No Face
I really focused on healing starting in January and have felt progressively better throughout the year. I finally felt “like myself” again just last week!
pugsnbourbon
I don’t know. Things are definitely better but 2021 was a real piss year (for many people, not just me, but it was pretty rough). Then we sold our house/moved this year so I haven’t really spent time working on myself and recovering.
Anon
Yes this. I focused on sleep over the summer, then added in exercise over the fall. Actually looking at family/friends next for the winter, then will work on work in the spring.
I know quiet quitting is applied to everything, but to me it means doing your job and no more. That’s what I’ve been doing while I focus on these items – getting my deliverables done within my work hours (which I’ve defined as 9 hours of work per day and only 3 hours on one weekend day, if needed) and letting everything else fall in priority. I’d hardly say 48 hours is slacking, when I think objectively, but it feels like a bare minimum for my role. I’m doing the bare minimum for one year while I focus on getting my drive back into better shape, and then I can reassess next summer what I want to do with that returned drive, and what that means for my career.
Anon
I like this!
Anon
I’ve worked in a senior level job for 10 years. My work contract has a “leaves of absence” section that goes over the protections for *any* leave of absence and specifically states that an employee who takes *any* leave of absence will be assured of the same or equivalent position when they return.
Beneath this, there is a “parental leave” section that goes over the different parental leave options. One option is an unpaid 12-month leave. At the end of this section, there is a line that says that when returning from a parental leave, the employee can be placed in a different position.
I am pregnant and am planning to use the 12-month leave option. My leave was approved, and my boss (CEO) says he hopes to find a temp. However, due to the uniqueness of my job, he doesn’t know if he can fill it on a temp basis and may need to hire a permanent replacement. My educational background differs from my colleagues, so I’m not qualified for lateral positions. If my job is filled, I’d likely be placed in an entry-level position making close to minimum wage.
My boss says that the language regarding “any leave of absence” wouldn’t include parental leave because parental leave is its own type of leave. He also admitted that while other colleagues have taken this option and were placed in equivalent/same positions when they returned, he’s never had a staffer at my seniority request this option since “most are men or beyond child-bearing years.”
The kicker is: I took a standard FMLA 12-week leave in spring/summer 2020 for my first child. My sub then was fantastic – everyone raved about him! And he’s willing to cover this entire leave as well. But, my boss is uncertain because my sub wasn’t always available at night/after-hours and demanded to work from home (spring/summer 20!), which rubbed my boss the wrong way.
My job is meaningful but has burned me out the past few years. I make 5 figures, so it’s not like I have the salary to back up the hours. I’ve always received excellent reviews. I’m welcoming this extended parental leave, and I’m prepared for whatever outcome for my job. If my company hires a permanent replacement, legally I’m not really sure what my options could be. Find a new job and move on? Or try to fight it?
Anon
Nutshell, talk to HR not your boss. FMLA has carveouts for specialized senior roles that could permit replacing you. But, having a contract is rare and all this is complicated. You may also want to consult an employee side lawyer, but I’d see what HR says first. Odds are your boss is out of step with how things are actually handled. And practical advice, don’t take a year off. You’ll be way out of the game and functionally replaced even if you return. Take a standard mat leave.
Anonymous
FMLA ain’t 12 months
Anon
Right, that’s where her contract comes in.
OP
HR sat in on meeting, and nodded in agreement with everything. I’m public sector ( non-union), and contracts are the norm. While I can use FMLA to keep my insurance at the beginning of my leave, the majority of the leave is not FMLA-covered, and is protected through the work contract language. I appreciate your advice — I’ve thought this through, and this option is best for my family’s situation.
pugsnbourbon
I would have an employment lawyer take a look at your contract before doing anything else.
Anon
+1. This will likely come down to the language used in your contract and how it is interpreted. However, as a practical matter, I agree with the advice that your should take your leave and plan to job hunt. You don’t sound happy.
Anonymous
Legally you’re not entitled to 12 months of job protected leave. Since you know you’re likely losing your job and because you work for a terrible company, take you leave and plan to job hunt and not return here.
Anon
I’m not sure I’d describe a company that offers 12 months of leave as “terrible.” OP is in a senior position and that’s where trade offs come in. Even FMLA recognizes this.
Vicky Austin
To me it’s her boss that sounds terrible. Who views a request to work remotely in spring/summer 2020 as an indication of a problem employee almost 3 years later?
Anon
Since the boss is the CEO and OP is very senior, it’s just a different ballgame. I would agree for rank and file, but again, there are tradeoffs when you get this senior.
Vicky Austin
Fair enough!
OP
I’m trying to respond to the Anon at 11:38, but there isn’t a “Reply” button option, so here goes! :)
I agree, but here’s my internal struggle. I make 5-figures — my salary matches the rank-in-file in my organization. Other senior staff make a lot more. I accepted my job 10 years ago when I was very young (for the position level at least), and the job promised to be meaningful with flexible work hours and fantastic benefits/pension, so I overlooked the low salary. It is a very meaningful job, but not flexible at all. I tried advocating for myself — i.e. last year presenting hard data that showed how my salary was lower than comps with similar experience/edu. I was told that I was being inappropriate and that salaries are non-negotiable. I love the actual work I do, but that salary conversation changed how I feel about my organization.
Anon
Oh 1038 here, OP that salary is insane and totally changes my view. You’re not getting paid enough for the trade off – take whatever leave you want and plan to leave while you’re out.
Anon
OP you’re underpaid and told you’re being inappropriate when you bring it up? You’re in a bad job. Plan to lose it and look elsewhere. After all, you’ll have the better part of a year to do so.
anonshmanon
If they have access to an awesome temp (a known quantity) who is willing to cover, and the only sticking point is WFH and excessive hours, then it means they want to show zero flexibility. That nobody in that level has made this request because they are all men or past child-bearing should be an eye opener. It should tell them that this is the first time that a younger woman is in this stage and they might have different needs that we haven’t dealt with before, and we better figure out how to we can enable people of any demographic to serve in this role (public sector has an obligation to the public here).
Giving this benefit only to non-senior positions signals that mothers in senior positions are not a priority.
Vicky Austin
This is what I was trying to get at above, much better expressed.
Anon
No offense but this is a lot of BS to deal with for a 5-figure salary. And I say that as someone who until fairly recently made 5 figures myself. If she were making what some women here make – let’s say in the $200k range – I would say she should try to navigate this carefully so she has a job to go back to. If OP has a solid work history and is a good performer and is at a high level in her current company, she can likely find another five-figure job without much trouble, and I think she should aim higher and try to get into a higher-paid position. I agree with the suggestion to take the max leave she can – it’s great that she’s in a position to take 12 months, unpaid – and job hunt. Depending on what she does, even in a contracting economy there are likely to be good opportunities, maybe even some where she can level-up, position-wise and salary-wise.
Anon
This may not be true. If she has an employment contract that gives her more than FMLA, then she is legally entitled to whatever the contract gives her. Maybe not by statute, but a court of law would find the company liable for breaching the contract.
At any rate, I think OP needs to see an employment lawyer who can talk real specifics because this does not sound clear cut from what she has described.
Anon
Talk to an employee-side employment lawyer.
Anon
Based on what you are saying is in your contract (and most likely legally) you have no job protection when you return in 12 months, particularly since you will not be protected by FMLA after 12 months off. You will need to accept that and determine what is best for you – keep your job and come back sooner or let the job go. The replacement is your boss’ problem, not yours.
Anon for this
Teacher gifting question: I have a high-paying, fancy, remote job, and live in a very small, low-income town. We live in a state that has horrible school funding and teacher salaries are very low. We adore the two teachers at our kiddos’ public pre-school, and I’d love to give them a generous cash gift / Amazon gift card for the holidays (maybe $200-500). We also live pretty modestly, and don’t want us having money to be a “thing” in our tiny, close-knit community. We were thinking about leaving anonymous cards, but it probably would be figured out.
Any advice on how to handle this, or guardrails around gifting in public schools that we should know about? This is our first kid, so our first time figuring this out. Thanks in advance!
AIMS
We have a class parent who collects money for the teacher to get a class gift. All contributions can be anonymous and the card is signed from every student so contribution is completely optional. Maybe you can take up a collection and then just add a larger donation from yourself so the teacher gets the benefit of a very generous gift without having to know (or try to figure out) who it’s from.
Anonymous
at our public school there is a $25 limit for teachers in cash OR gift. check with your PSO, they’ll know the limits or the ways around it.
Anon
If you want to give a gift of that size, I suggest giving to the school or the classroom, not the teacher, and anonymously if you can. Otherwise it feels a little too much like a bribe.
Anon
Agreed
Anon
Agree with this. You’ll put the teacher in an uncomfortable position with a large gift anyway.
Aunt Jamesina
I know in Illinois we were barred from accepting gifts that had more than a nominal value (around $15-20). I would look into your state’s laws about public employees and gifts.
I would have been really uncomfortable with that amount being given to me as a personal gift, but I did teach in a blue state where the schools I was at were (mostly) reasonably funded and I made a liveable salary. Does the teacher have an Amazon wishlist of items for the classroom? I would buy up items from that. If they don’t have one, then email and ask for items they would like for their classroom.
Anon
+1
If the teacher’s don’t have a wish list, ask her if she could make one/let you know what she needs.
It’s criminal that many teachers have to buy their own supplies for their student’s use. If you can pay for those directly, you are in a sense giving her money but in a less… unacceptable… way.
blueberries
In my community with extreme income inequality, it’s common for one parent to send out an email offering to accept contributions for a cash teacher gift from the class.
Anyone can chip in whatever they feel like (or chip in nothing) and the gift is from the class. A teacher friend has told me that the cash is much appreciated.
Would it be possible for you to organize such a gift? Then, it wouldn’t be necessary for anyone to know that you gave more.
Anonymous
Look it up/ ask the school. I’m a room parent and our district has strict guidelines on what the teacher can accept as a personal gift, and how.
There is no limit on collective gifts to the teacher that are used for classroom supplies.
In our district, gifts must not be over $10 unless it’s a class gift. In that case the gift must be signed as from the whole class and not more than $150. No limit on $$ gifted for classroom use but it must come from the class, not an individual.
A.
I work in a small town private school and can shed some light on this. I like the collection idea (where people give what they can afford, anonymously) but only if it’s made crystal clear that there is no expectation of participation. Also, if you’re worried about the high $$$ amount feeling like a bribe or bribe-adjacent, you could give a more modest holiday gift and save the big $ for year end.
Class gifting OP
Thank you for all the feedback! We will proceed with the group contribution suggestion (after checking with the school).
The bribe thing is a good point – our kiddo’s just 3 yo, so it hadn’t occurred to me.
Anon
I’m working on my goals for 2023 and was wondering, if anyone else does this, what’s on your list?
My list is long and ranges from the actual, serious goals (add 10k to my emergency fund, get promoted in our next promotion cycle) to fun challenges (bake 2 new desserts, finish my next half marathon without walking – I’ve done 4 half marathons by doing a run/walk mix, so would like to eliminate the walk portion in 2023) to just plain fun (go to 5 concerts! go rock climbing!)
Anon
I haven’t decided on all my goals, but I know I want to do the 52 Book Club challenge and prioritize books I already own instead of buying new ones!
Cb
Oh I am working on my list. Really focusing on adding fun things in rather than something more restrictive. More trips to the theatre, hosting more people. I also want to do adult swim lessons, I can paddle but am not a confident swimmer.
I have a list for personal, family, house, and work projects for the year, and then I revisit it when making my monthly to do list. For things that I want to add, I use a counter app on my phone (outside time, bike miles, books read, social events)
Anon
Goal lists quash my enjoyment of life. I don’t see value in checking off boxes on lists. Instead, I do a check in around whether I’m living in alignment with what’s important to me. That may mean doing my best at work to help assure I stay employed, earn what I need to love the life I want, or making sure I’m socializing with friends for connection or planning trips to broaden my horizons, but it’s not framed as a goal.
Anon
For me it’s too easy to get sucked into my day to day hence the fun goals. For example, I like camping but I haven’t gone in years – so adding it to my list for 2023 so I actually take the time to do things I enjoy.
For the ‘actual’ goals – I like a challenge (half marathon training) but I also need something to be working towards (beefing up emergency fund, promotion).
Real Estate Inhouse Counsel
I’m currently working on my list! For fun things I have: attempt to make croissants (my foodie uncle recently got me a Julia Child baking cookbook with a croissant recipe that looks difficult but has very detailed instructions), read 52 books, get my WSET Wine Level 2 certification (I don’t work in the wine industry or anything, it’s just a fun hobby for me) and make a new friend in the city that I moved to this past year. My serious ones are all health related: start jogging during Orange Theory treadmill blocks (they have options for power walking, jogging and running and I am currently power walking), start doing yoga once a week and start flossing regularly (like 3 times per week).
Anon
If you do not mind advice from a stranger, adjust yiur half marathon goal to allow walking through the water stops. You take in more fluid and the short break does an enormous amount to help you through the rest of the race. Hal Higdon recommends this even for advanced runners:
https://mobile.twitter.com/higdonmarathon/status/1588591184645017601
Anon
I had just thought that was a given :) I don’t count water stop walking as actual walking!
Anon
Setting yearly goals hasn’t felt right to me for the last couple of years but for some reason it does feel right to me this year. I’m still working on my list but so far I have – one week without tv, one week without social media, cook one new recipe per month, start doing yoga again even if it’s only for 10 minutes, go on one international trip, make a full sized quilt (new hobby this year), mail birthday cards to friends, consistently do PT (this is the only goal that feels like a chore). Sometimes a pick a word for the year too – this year I’m picking two: discipline and joy (trying to do both at the same time seems like an ambitious but worthwhile effort).
Vicky Austin
I’ve never done a word of the year before (usually I can paper a room with my plans), but I’m strongly considering it this year in lieu of all the ultra specific goals of years past. How do you usually arrive at yours?
Tea/Coffee
I like the fun challenges portion! I feel like i should make those family/group goals… DD and I would def be up for “learn a new crafty thing” and “make some new yummy things.”
And DH and DS will be all about “let’s eat the new yummy things” lol.
My serious goals need to include my diet (pretty good but I lost a lot of discipline last year during marathon training so there are more snacks and empty carbs than before) and finances (also in decent shape, but I need to re-examine our EF situation and decide how much risk we’re willing to take with the extra EF).
Anonymous
My 12-year-old son told me yesterday he thinks “being gay is weird” and the thought of two men kissing disgusted him. I knew there was a lot of homophobia at his public school but I’m horrified to hear him say this. I tried to talk about it with him – who people love is none of your business, really thinking of ANYONE kissing is kind of gross, people are born the way they are, etc. Just not sure what to do next. I think ideally I’d like to make it more palatable in a casual way like watching tvs or movies that are more inclusive of characters, but a lot of the fantasy cartoons he watches actually already DO do that.
Anon
My kid think even straight people doing the deed is horrifying. Like you get naked and stuff. It all seems way too personal and icky. And, TBH, a lot of stuff isn’t camera ready. Somehow, the species has survived. I realize that last sentence is sort of n/a here. Maybe it’s that adults figure this out in a way that is personal to them and private. The heart wants what the heart wants.
AIMS
The latest Disney movie maybe a good intro to another conversation about this & I’ve heard it’s an excellent movie in general.
Anonymous
I think you continue as you are. Also he may be testing the waters with regards to his own sexuality.
Vicky Austin
I think you continue as you are. Also he may be testing the waters with regards to his own sexuality.
Anon
Yea I would just reply back something along the lines of how we love and support people no matter their orientation.
anon
I was disgusted by the idea of kissing of any kind at that age too. I really wouldn’t worry about his comment much.
Anon
Sounds like there aren’t organically beloved gay adults in your day-to-day life. Any changes you could make to change that? Try out a different church? Go to a different coffee shop? Hang out in a different neighborhood/town?
Emma
Agreed. My parents had a gay couple as friends and it really helped normalize it from a young age – John and Ben were just a regular couple like all of my parents’ other friends, there was nothing more s**ual about them. But yeah he might be exploring his own feelings on this, and most 12 year olds think kissing is gross, at least officially.
Anonymous
So, no – my gay friends all live farther away in the cities we came from. We’re now in Midwest suburbs, my husband and I both work from home, and the few friends we have are all parents in the same boat as we are, parents to a special needs child (my youngest). We barely have time for the few friends we have let alone trying to make new ones. Also covid cautious so we’re still not doing any big group activities like church.
Anon
Just a word to the wise (as a mom of two boys) – pay attention to any YouTube content he consumes. There is a lot of content that subversively pushes white nationalism, homophobia, etc. It is not obvious to the kids, but discerning adults can see the themes. It becomes normalized for them, and then when somebody points it out, the kids get defensive because they hadn’t been consuming it with that context. It’s a whole thing. I’ve had to have some deep conversations with both of my kids about it.
Anon
+1
A lot of great advice on this thread.
We also have a very close family friend who is a great father/male roll model and very progressive. A teacher.
One of his kids was the loveliest sweetest boy as a child, but maybe because of ?bullying/insecurity/easy access to crap online started falling down the rabbit holes of dark youtube channels and chat groups that his parents did not realize. He is now 18 and a full blown right wing extremist / terrible racist/anti-women just…. heart breaking. I honestly cannot believe it this happened. And he is a brilliant child at an excellent University and has withdrawn from his parents completely. I am hoping that he is young enough that college life/people/living in society again will draw him back.
Anon
This + 1 million. We started having conversations with our son at age 10 and 11, when we found out kids were watching YouTube at school on their phones, about how easy it is for people to create content that emotionally manipulates people and makes extremism look reasonable. We have Google Wifi, which makes it really easy to monitor what websites he visits when he’s at our house, and we have always had parental controls in place. But I am here to tell you, not all parents put controls in place or even pay a bit of attention to what their kids are watching online. And by the time my son was 10, many of his peers had phones, even though we made him wait until he was 12. It’s not just about what they’re consuming in your house, but what they see at school or at their friends’ houses that can make a difference. My son had a friend who started espousing white nationalist views at school, based on what he had seen on YouTube. And we had a lot of conversations (including some arguments) about why “just watching a video” can be harmful to people – it’s not a benign act for people to make those videos (they are not just “exploring viewpoints”) and it’s not a benign act to watch them. Even though my son is late teens now, we continue to have discussions with him about current events and politics and why certain viewpoints are harmful to certain groups of people.
Curious
I think it’s awesome you answered as you did. FWIW, was so grossed out when I found out about French kissing at 11 that I gave away the puberty book it was in. At 15 I was desperate to have it back. There are a lot of strong emotions at that age.
Anonymous
knowing several 12 year old boys…is there any chance he could have said that for shock value, to get a reaction? you did say you’re ‘horrified to hear him say that’. how did you react to it?
one of those 12 year old boys -who has an organically beloved gay person in his life- said the same thing to me. i responded matter-of-factly with ‘oh yeah? why is that?’ the response was some random thought about being able to wear each other’s clothes.
if you make homosexuality no big deal the same way heterosexuality is no big deal then he’s going to internalize that it’s no big deal. if you constantly call attention to it and point it out and go out of your way to highlight it, he is going to internalize it as a big deal and it might have the opposite effect in that he starts to push back against your teachings and think that the homophobic “they are trying to shove it down our throats” crowd is right.
Anon
When I was his age or a little younger, the only couple role model I had was my parents. It was gross enough when they kissed in front of me, but then thinking about my mom kissing a woman or worse yet, my dad kissing a man (I think that one bothered me more because my dad was kind of scary) made me really confused. Then as I got older I started to understand that it was other people, people who were born gay, not my actual parents. My neighbors’ adult son, who had always been the nicest of their kids, came out as gay and I had no problem imagining him with another man.
It’s funny to think about now as an adult women who has a gay man best friend. But it’s just part of learning about sexuality and honestly, it all seems gross when you’re that age – straight or gay.
Anon
I wonder if he can’t yet differentiate feelings about how he’d feel about kissing another man (and the thought of him kissing another boy might feel disgusting or weird to him) vs two gay men kissing. Like, as a straight woman I have no desire to do anything s3xual with another woman, but also I obviously have no issue with 2 consenting women or 2 consenting men having s3x. But, a 12 year old may not have that nuance yet.
I do thoroughly second the comments about what YouTube and internet sites young men are watching and that they may be cause for concern. Plenty of great, accepting, inclusive families end up with a kid who has gone into the deep, dark depths of the internet and ended up radicalized. I do not have children yet, so I cannot comment on how to prevent this but I do study extremism for my job and I can tell you it does happen.
Anon
Are there any good ways to begin learning sign language? Like not Duo Lingo but maybe a YouTube channel?
Curious
What is your motivation?
If you just want to pick up some basic signs for nouns, baby sign language is fun and has a website.
If you want to learn actual ASL (Aslan?), with grammar and the right facial expressions etc., perhaps a community college course?
Anon
Yes, please pay a deaf/HoH ASL teacher to help you. If you won’t do that, please stay away from content provided by hearing people. I am in this community and you really need and should learn ASL from someone who is deaf/HoH.
Anon
Great idea. I suspect it shouldn’t be hard to find someone giving lessons over Zoom.
Do you have any contacts you would be willing to share, or useful websites?
Anon
Sure! Loni Friedmann on IG teaches and also should have resources if her classes don’t work for you.
https://www.aslta.org/ Will have options also!
https://www.nad.org/resources/american-sign-language/learning-american-sign-language/
:)
Anon
Post in moderation!
Curious
This was a learning for me! (My comment above was based on an aunt who was an interpreter for many years and whose first marriage was to a deaf man.) Thank you!
Wash DC
Is mid-March a good time to visit DC with my 2 teens? Or is it a mushy mess weather wise?
PolyD
Yes? It could be very warm, it could be cold. We don’t usually get enough snow to have it hang around until March, so it might rain, but there won’t be piles of slush around.
I think it would be as good a time as any. Might start getting crowded with class trips (I am not a parent, so don’t flame me for not knowing when spring breaks happen), but it likely won’t be super hot or super cold.
Anon
Can really go either way. I got married in mid March in DC. I got lucky with sunny weather in the 50s and buds blooming on the trees. The following year on the same date there was snow on the grounf
Anon
If you are overlapping with the cherry blossom festival, which starts in March,there can be a lot of tourist. Expect inflated costs at hotels and plan ahead to get tickets at museums
Anonymous
Re. the school lunch cost discussion, I just happened to be checking my 11th-grade daughter’s lunch account. Lunch at her public school, which does not participate in the USDA school lunch program so it is not subject to the federal calorie and nutrition requirements, is $3.35. The lunch is so small that she usually buys two lunches and sometimes an extra side so she’s averaging $7 – $8 per day. I am pretty sure she’s eating the entree and starchy sides and throwing out the veggies, fruit, and milk because they are nasty.
If a tiny moderately active girl needs two lunches, I have no idea how many school lunches are required to fuel a 6-foot-tall boy who plays football or runs cross country.
Anon
I think it’s so interesting how much school lunches vary! I was the commenter who 10+ years ago, school lunches usually cost over $10 which was not in my family’s budget so I would heat up a meal I packed from home in the school’s microwave. Our school lunches were expensive but very good, had a ton of options, and depending on what you chose could be very healthy. Everything was made on site, so while yes we had chicken patty day we also had a full salad bar with options and there was no sad square pizza or canned veg/fruit to be found. It was a small school so almost everyone played sports (otherwise we wouldn’t have enough to field teams) and so high school boys who played sports definitely could ring up tabs north of $15.
Anon
I was one of the commenters the other day. My kids went to school in Berkeley which has the edible school yard concept (lots of veggies grown on-site and used in the cafeteria food, organic and healthy focused meals). I kept money on my kids’ accounts so they could have hot lunch whenever they wanted, though they usually packed lunches.
There was a period of time where my daughter never packed a lunch and honestly I was kind of happy she was eating cafeteria food. Come to find out she was only eating at the salad bar, and then it was a small scoop of cottage cheese and some black olive slices. For months.
I guess it had calcium!
Anon
That would be setting off alarm bells for either an eating disorder or, at the very least, poorly internalized diet culture/body image
nuqotw
At the risk of getting flamed again…
I work at an undergrad institution and the adolescent metabolism is surely the reason all the students but especially the men are walking around with backpacks full of snacks. I once heard a student explaining to his parents (it was parents’ weekend) his snack packing/eating timeline so that he could make it to all his morning classes and be reasonably fed until lunch.
Anonymous
Omg you didn’t get flamed! Cry me a river you got tons of thoughtful feedback. If you don’t want that you don’t have to ask the internet.
Anonymous
I was confused about the age of her child but he’s young. I have a first grader and I cannot stand the idea of him being hungry. If he is, a sub-four dollar warm meal seems like the last thing I’d begrudge him, or any child. I’m pro-free meals at public schools mostly because I think of parents who struggle financially but I think it would also benefit kids like the ops who think it’s virtuous to deprive their hungry children of food in the name of being a proud “cheapskate.”
Anon
why would this get you flamed?
Anon
A lot of people really do NOT understand the massive variability in calorie needs – like, athletic high school boys literally need twice the calories of a relatively sedentary middle aged woman. So a diet that would be objective unhealthy for one group is not nearly enough food for another.
Anon
I’m currently the weird old returning student in a male dominated field and this isn’t a thing here (cs dept at an R1). The guys eat like normal people.
Anon
+100
Anon
“I have no idea how many school lunches are required to fuel a 6-foot-tall boy who plays football or runs cross country.”
I can answer this. My son is 6’3″, 200 lbs at 16. He plays varsity basketball for his charter school (they play far fewer games than the large high schools around us and they don’t travel outside the city for games, but he still has practice at least 3x a week and then games about every other week right now), plus he takes at least one jiu-jitsu class a week and lifts weights on the weekends. And then sometimes randomly he and his friends from school will decide to go on a 10-mile hike or 10-mile run on one of our neighborhood trails, just for kicks.
Breakfast at 6:30 a.m.: Two bagels with cream cheese or two of those frozen egg and sausage breakfast sandwiches
He packs his food for the day (I am not going to say it’s his lunch, because it’s for the whole day, until he gets home from school or practice):
– Two sandwiches (PB&J or turkey and cheese)
– Two Pure Protein bars
– Two apples or two pears
– Two bananas
– Half a bag of baby carrots and a small jar of ranch dressing
– One or two packs of trail mix or mixed nuts (from Costco)
– Two string cheeses
We don’t buy chips, cookies, candy, etc. but we do buy crackers and sometimes he’ll take half a bag of crackers with him.
That’s daytime. The lunch box always comes home empty. When he gets home from school/practice/jiu jitsu class, if there’s more than 2 hours till dinner he’ll have a bowl of cereal (Wheaties or Cheerios) when he gets home (sometimes this becomes more than one bowl) or make an additional sandwich. Then he eats dinner with us (as someone said yesterday – this is likely his smallest meal of the day). Before bed he has another protein bar or a handful of nuts.
On the weekends before he goes to lift (which is never less than 2 hours at the gym) he’ll make a four-egg omelet with cheese and have a salad with it. When he comes home he has a gigantic protein smoothie along with a couple of string cheeses and some trail mix.
I have never, ever seen another person who can eat the sheer volume of food this kid can eat and not gain weight. But he wears a 34 waist pant and we don’t have to keep sizing up in the waist when I buy him clothes, just in the length.
I was warned by other teen athlete boy moms and thus, I will warn all of you who may face this down the line: it’s expensive to keep up with this (one of my coworkers who had two teen boy athletes at home told me she spent $1000 a month on groceries) and a Costco membership will be your friend. I go every other week and buy the huge thing of string cheese, two boxes of trail mix or mixed nuts, the two-pack of bagels, the big tub of cream cheese, two loaves of wheat bread and a big tub of turkey, etc.
Anon
My kiddo is a toddler but heading in that direction (DH is 6’3 and muscular; I’m 5’9, athletic, and muscular). Planning on keeping as much healthy food as he needs around. Poor kid is already as tall as kids three years older than he is and eats two dinners a night.
Anon
Your daughter throws away two servings of vegetables, two pieces of fruit, two boxed milks a day? What.. the fruit is rotting? The boxed milk is sour?
That is just terrible. Such waste!
Tell her at least to give the food away, or have the lunch staff keep it and not give it to her.
It sounds like the lunch would be filling enough if she at the stuff that actually helps fill you up – the fiber containing fruit and veg and drink the milk. Sounds like she should not be buying a school lunch at all, and you should just pack what she would like to eat.
Anonymous
This is the problem with school lunches. The fruit is unripe and the vegetables are canned. Sometimes the fruit is canned too. The milk is actually sour. Kids purchasing lunch are required to take all components of the lunch. The fruit, vegetables, and milk are impossible to give away because no one will eat them. Now if they’d serve appealing vegetables like roasted sweet potatoes or carrots or a nice little salad it would be a different story.
Anon
+1
This is one of the reasons I”m pro-packing lunch! My kids will eat the fresh fruit or good veggies I pack them but they won’t touch the gross cafeteria food. I usually pack 2 fruits and 1 veg and they’re devoured. My kids would rather I pack lunch then have to eat the cafeteria food, except on chicken nugget day :)
Anonymous
My experience was different. The food at my public school was not gourmet by any means but it was absolutely not spoiled. I still quite like canned pears and mandarin oranges. They also had really good white rice which isn’t winning any nutritional awards but kept hungry kids warm and fed. There are worse things in this world.
Anon
Canned peaches are the best peaches!
Anon
Same, both my school growing up and my kid’s school serve fine food. Is it gourmet, no, but nothing is spoiled or inedible. I don’t mind the taste of canned fruit and vegetables. And canned fruit I would think would be popular with kids because it often comes in juice (not super healthy, but tasty for kids…)
Anonymous
I tell my child to eat his fruit and vegetables, and yet he does not. Shocking I know.
Anon
Haha. Thank you for posting this. The commenter you were responding to got a major eye roll from me, too
Anon
Really? It seemed reasonable to pack a lunch instead for picky eaters.
Anonymous
I’m anonymous at 3:11. I do pack a lunch because he won’t eat our school lunch (which is 100% free for everyone, as well as breakfast) except on pizza day. I provide the 1 vegetable he will eat, and he only eats it if he’s really, really hungry. At home I can force the issue but I’m not there at school.
AIMS
Can anyone help me find this: saw an older lawyer with a beautiful large leather zippered envelope for carrying her papers. Not quite a padfolio, more like a leather redwell with zipper. Could probably fit a large stack of legal size papers about 2 inches thick. Monogrammed. I keep finding things that are close but not quite right when I google. I actually asked where it was from and she said she received it as a gift 30 years ago. It still looked amazing. I want one!
Anon
This sounds like what you’re describing – but I’m assuming you have seen it in your searches already? (link to follow)
Anon
https://www.leatherology.com/gusseted-document-and-laptop-holder?color=cognac&gclid=Cj0KCQiA1sucBhDgARIsAFoytUuT12Eq7BwH3cYKSrb67Hy09zv53TV87g2qAXmCzum_EPWPuXsoYxoaAlaiEALw_wcB
Minnie Beebe
This is gorgeous. I have exactly zero need for this, but I wish I had a reason to carry something like this around!
AIMS
This is pretty close! Thanks!!!
Anon.
Looks like there’s also a Document Envelope that could fit the bill too there. I’m super tempted by these!
anon a mouse
Maybe similar to a one of the Levenger Briefolios?
Anonymous
are you looking for one with a notebook and slots or just a large empty redwell?
leatherology or smythson would be my first guess
https://www.amazon.com/Zippered-Portfolio-Interview-Organizer-Letter-Sized/dp/B071CG6BZP/ref=psdc_490557011_t2_B007SQZE5U?
or else I think “envelope clutch” might be what you want –
https://www.amazon.com/Van-Caro-Oversized-Crocodile-Envelope/dp/B07PP214GS?source=ps-sl-shoppingads-lpcontext&ref_=fplfs&smid=A2ZNKQTAFYJZGE&th=1
https://www.etsy.com/listing/1164628398/womens-envelope-clutch-bag-womens?gpla=1&gao=1&
https://www.etsy.com/listing/475480016/leather-envelope-clutch-bag?gpla=1&gao=1&
AIMS
No slots. Large and empty :)
Cat
If letter size is ok, Mark & Graham has some pretty leather pouches that sound similar.
Cat
also, this sounds like the kind of thing that Levenger might have.
AIMS
Thanks. M&G was my first thought too but they only have the smaller size. I need to fit my legal size papers/pads in there. I think the first one from Leatherology may do the trick.
Anonymous
Shipping help please! Recs for a fun, date night/holiday party bag? I am thinking it will need to be cross body (vs a clutch) as I have a few work parties where my outfit doesn’t have pockets and I’ll need to keep phone/keys/lip gloss on me. Thank you!!!
Senior Attorney
I feel like Kate Spade really owns this category. (Where “fun” means “almost cartoonish, if that’s your thing.”)
Anon but grateful
I had to share this anonymously because I signed a confidentiality agreement and can’t share it with friends. Of course I shared it with my husband. I work for a Fortune 100 company and we’ve been going through some very drastic changes – think cutting back costs significantly to increase shareholder value. I was denied a promotion and have been very disappointed…working like crazy, even on my supposed day-off. My manager came to me this week and told me that he went to bat for me for a retention bonus of stock. The leadership team approved $50k in stock and he said he went back and said “that’s not gonna cut it” – thinking they’d come back with $75k. They came back with $100k in stock! I can’t even believe it. I get stock awarded every year as part of my base comp. But $100k at one time is incredible! Just wow….
Vicky Austin
That’s amazing! Sounds like you have a great manager in addition to being a fantastic employee. Way to go & enjoy!
anon
Huge congrats!
Senior Attorney
YOU ARE A BOSS!! Congratulations!!
Anonymous
Anyone watch the Harry & Meghan documentary? Thoughts?
Anonymous
Love it! Really charming.
Ellen
I watched one episode. Even tho Harry is a prince, he will never become King, so, hypotheticeally, I would never consider spending my energy standing on my head trying to allure him and make him become my spouse. Megan did, and she landed him! Mom said that I may be to picky, notwithstanding that I do come from royal stock through Grandma Leyeh’s side of the family.
Anon
I haven’t watched it yet but can’t wait to binge this weekend!
Anon
Same.
Senior Attorney
Same — can’t wait!
Anonymous
I’m surprised Netflix didn’t fact check better – there are so many demonstrably false statements. Like he was legally only allowed to propose in the UK? But does he not know that William proposed in Africa? Or the people they had commenting that the Commonwealth is Empire 2.0 but many states in the Commonwealth don’t even have the King as their head of state? It’s just an association of states with no legal authority.
I totally believe the British Royal Family has unconscious bias about racism (just like many other institutions), I just don’t get what this documentary is supposed to be about. Nothing that they didn’t say on Oprah already. I used to be a big fan but I got really turned off when she lied about South Africa/Lion King premiere. It’s unfortunate because all the weird random little lies distract from addressing substantive issues.
Anon
I heard he proposed in Africa and I didn’t hear that he was only allowed to propose in the UK. That seems silly. I don’t really take anything they say as gospel but I just find it all interesting as an American who is not too familiar with the royal family.
Anon
In addition, I did read about how when they first met William and Kate Meghan was shocked because she was in ripped jeans and they didn’t want to hug her. That just sounds like they are trying to make William and Kate seem cold. Some people just don’t like to hug and they probably dress more formally because that’s their lifestyle! It’s not a bad thing.
Anonymous
They included a picture of him proposing at Kensington Palace when she visited the UK and said it had to be there. Like IDGAF where they got engaged but why lie about the rules?
I’m not a hugger on first meetings either. Can’t imagine they cared about jeans though. They’ve had jeans on at tons of events over the years. Wasn’t a cousin or cousin’s husband on some reality show saying it’s jeans and tees behind the scenes anyway?
Ribena
The Commonwealth does seem like Empire 2.0 to me, tbh. (As a white British person who is extremely uncomfortable about what people who look like me did to other people around the world until very recently)
Anonymous
In what way?
Anon
I think there was just so much horrible stuff said about them in the press that they wanted to tell their side of the story. In their shoes I’d want to do the same.
Anonymous
Haven’t watched. I lost interest when I heard they used Harry Potter premiere footage and other stock footage in the trailer.
all about eevee
I think they are very sweet and deeply in love. My main takeaway is that Harry didn’t do enough to prepare her for what she was getting into. The fact that he asked her if she knew how to curtsy minutes before she met the Queen is a big oof.
Anon
I completely agree! Sounds like William dated Kate for years to make sure she could handle being a royal and Harry didn’t even give her a heads up.
Anon
And that was probably the reason William suggested they were rushing things. I understand why a woman of her age who wanted to have children would want to get married sooner rather than later but it really does not seem like she had a clue what she was getting into and he did not do much to prepare her.
And agree that there are enough misstatements of fact that it impacts their credibility. (But that started for me with the Oprah interview.)
Anne-on
This – I also can’t stand when the media tries to paint her as a wide eyed naive young mom, ‘Just like Diana!’. Diana was a 19-yr old who was incredibly sheltered and Meghan is a 41 year old college educated woman with a career who’d been married previously. One of those things is not like the other.
Anon
Yeah I just don’t see how she didn’t know what she was getting into. I’ve never been close to dating a prince of England and I know what’s involved and have for years. Anyone old enough to know Diana’s story should know better and that includes her.
Ellen
I think William knew he would ultimately be king, so he was being groomed himself, and his bride was very carefully vetted to make sure she could easily bear children, just like Lady Di was. I think I remember something about when young women are examined before entering the royal family, their doctors check their most intimate areas, not for seeing whether or not they are still virginal, but rather for whether their ovaries are fertile and their uteruses (uterii?J) can carry a child to term w/o having to have a Ceaseran Section.
Anonymous
I’d love to see follow up docs with all the spares that have moved to the US like Princess Madeleine in Florida and Prince Joachim in DC. Interesting to see how they all find life stateside.
Vicky Austin
This is a great point and I’d be interested to see these people compared to Harry. (PMadeleine is a favorite of mine.)
Anon
Now who is a princess Madeline??
Anonymous
She’s the spare for the Swedish throne. Like Harry she married an American and moved stateside. Her kids don’t have titles and they live in Florida? Or Georgia?
Anon
There have been a few photos recently of Mrs. Komuro, the former Princess Mako, out and about and she seems to be settling into NYC very well.
Anonymous
I thought it was awful to include the Panorama interview. I thought it would be a documentary about their charities of interest, not a reality show with vague complaints about various family members.
Anonymous
Panorama inclusion was cringe when it’s known that she was tricked into the interview with false docs.
Anne-on
I continue to be struck by how much private information/photos/details they’re sharing. This seems like quite a departure from their ‘we’re moving to the US/abandoning our roles because we want privacy’ stance.
I’m also amazed that for someone who was always ‘so prepared’ for her roles she didn’t research ANYTHING about the royal family and their protocol and that Harry just assumed it would all be ok? I’m a bit older than Kate/William and even as a casual royal watcher there was a ton of coverage of the rules of curtseying/seniority/etc. aback from when Kate married in as a ‘commoner’ and had to learn all of it.
Anonymous
Even if you leave royal stuff everyone googles their dates. I don’t buy that she didn’t know much about HArry.
Anon
I think they moved to the US because they wanted safety.
Anonymous
Are they actually safer in the US?
Anon
No interest in watching those whiny narcissists. I was a huge fan of Meghan initially (thought she was way too good for Harry, tbh!) and was thrilled to see a mixed race American join the BRF, but they have made it clear over the last couple of years that they’re really self-centered, nasty people. Everything they say is either false, an unnecessary slam at a seemingly innocuous family member (like the “Kate me ME cry” moment with Oprah) or hypocritical (if you want privacy, why are you selling so many private photos and videos to Netflix?) They’re both garbage people and deserve each other, IMO.
Anon
I fully believe they both cried because of stress (planning a wedding to be watched by millions would be like a top 5 most stressful thing to do) but if Meghan wants me to believe that there was a disagreement about Kate’s child and a less-than-3-weeks postpartum woman didn’t cry, she needs to try harder. Honestly, that part of the Oprah interview really did not show Meghan in a good light because she was like “well everyone else was bending over backwards for me because of my situation but Kate didn’t” and I’m picturing a woman trying to corral her toddler and wondering when she can take a bf-ing break and now having to deal with a bridezilla sister in law. (One who leaked information about Kate to her Canadian gossip blogger friend after meeting her maybe twice.) I was sympathetic early on but the more Harry and Meghan talk the more it seems like rumors about her bad behavior and mistreatment of employees tracks. (I still think the sheer amount of writing the tabloids do about them is beyond insane, but also they feed into that with reality shows and interviews. They could starve the beast and just live their life but the priority is public adoration and money.)
Anon
Yeah I fully believe they both cried, and I don’t think either one was trying to hurt the other, but putting Kate on blast on national TV like that was not a good look for Meghan, especially considering Kate was heavily pregnant and newly postpartum at the time of the incident. Of course she wasn’t bending over backwards to accommodate Meghan!
Anon
+1M they are so annoying. I’m not even going to hate watch.
Anonymous
I was a confused that most of their complaints had to do with the restrictions of being a working Royal—it seemed like they wanted the freedom Peter and Zara have as non-working royals, but still have the public funds, staff, and publicity that are a part of the Royal work.