Gift Idea: Convertible Backpack
We've mentioned Cole Haan's line of polished convertible backpacks before, but if you're looking (for yourself or a gift-ee) for a functional bag that has a slight twist, I love the looks of this “puff” backpack. The quilting adds just a bit of flair, and the fact that you can carry by handle or as a backpack are both great.
The bag is $267 (down from $330) at Zappos; you can also find it at Cole Haan, Nordstrom, and Amazon. (Cole Haan is currently the lowest price — you could probably get Nordstrom to price match it, though.)
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Update: Hunting for the best work backpacks? Some of our favorites in 2024 are below — see the full post for all the details!
Sales of note for 12.5
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In the wake of the Brittany Griner news and the thread from this morning, I decided to do some reading on Paul Whelan and I thought some of you might find this information to be interesting. While I do sympathize with him and his family, he’s not exactly the squeaky clean Marine he’s made out to be. First, he received a bad conduct discharge from the Marines for “attempted larceny, three specifications of dereliction of duty, making a false official statement, wrongfully using another’s social security number, and ten specifications of making and uttering bad checks.” He also claimed to be a police officer and Sheriff’s deputy prior to joining the Marines, but the police department (Chelsea, MI) stated that he had only worked part-time, lesser roles, and the Sheriff’s department he claimed to work for stated that they had no record of his employment. He also claims to have a bachelors degree and an MBA, but the only college he ever attended (Northern Michigan University) stated he took courses without earning a degree.
The story of his arrest in Russia is also murky. He had apparently travelled to Russia many times, and during this particular trip, was supposed to be attending a wedding. He arrived the day before the wedding and assisted the groom’s family members on their first visit to Russia. However, on the day of the wedding, he decided to not attend and instead spent the day “meeting a friend,” according to wedding attendees, who were taken aback by his odd decision. When he was arrested, he had $80k in cash in his possession. His charge was espionage, which is a lot more complicated than CBD oil possession.
He also holds U.S., British, Canadian, and Irish citizenship, as well as four passports. It’s presumable that those other countries could attempt to negotiate for his release (but may not be able to because it appears he used the U.S. passport when entering Russia).
Finally, Victor Bout had already served a large portion of his sentence. He was arrested in 2008 and sentenced in 2011 to 25 years in prison. So he had been in prison for 15 years. We also don’t know whether Biden tried to get Whelan out first (since he was arrested first) and Putin said no (i.e. Whelan is too valuable in Putin’s view). We really don’t know anything about the logistics or who attempted what first. There were only two Americans detained in Russia so it was better to get one than none at all.
And now Bout will kill how many? We should have kept him. This is a bad trade for the US.
And it is clear that Paul Whelan is from the US, no matter how many passports he has. Those counties will not do anything for him.
We won’t have anyone as valuable as Bout for a long time and we should have traded a lesser prisoner instead. Bout wasn’t in prison long enough IMO. He is a nasty piece of work.
He is actually from Canada
We weren’t under time pressure to let Bout go. IDK why we did. He will come back to haunt us.
Very interesting history. Thanks for sharing that.
Sounds like maybe we shouldn’t have traded anyone for the evil Bout.
I wasn’t on the morning thread, but concur that Whelan is by no means some squeaky clean Marine. (I’m an Army vet and get really tired of veterans doing shady, criminal and/or reprehensible ish that can make us all look bad. We’re only 1% of the population, so when vets do something stupid, I feel like it reflects poorly on all of us.)
FWIW, this was in the Politico PM newsletter about an hour ago:
FREEDOM — WNBA star BRITTNEY GRINER was released from Russian detention today and is returning home to the U.S. after the countries agreed to end her nine-month saga with a prisoner swap for Russian arms dealer VIKTOR BOUT, as CBS’ Andres Triay, Pat Milton, Margaret Brennan, Christina Ruffini, Steven Portnoy and Arden Farhi scooped.
After extended negotiations, President JOE BIDEN signed off on the deal within the last week and commuted Bout’s sentence. CBS learned about the agreement a week ago but agreed to delay publication given the danger that it could fall apart.
“This is a day we’ve worked toward for a long time,” Biden said. “We never stopped pushing for her release. It took painstaking and intense negotiations.”
CHERELLE GRINER, Brittney Griner’s wife, thanked the administration and broke into a big grin at the end of her comments: “Today, it’s just a happy day for me and my family, so I’m going to smile right now.”
Griner’s release is a high-profile victory for the administration’s efforts to bring detained Americans home — and a rare example of ongoing diplomacy between the U.S. and Russia despite the war in Ukraine. “But Moscow drove a hard bargain,” notes WaPo’s Robyn Dixon: Despite American entreaties, Russia wouldn’t agree to a two-for-one swap to release PAUL WHELAN alongside Griner.
Whelan’s four-year detention was the cloud that hung over the Griner announcement. Biden said Russia is handling his case differently “for totally illegitimate reasons” but that the U.S. wouldn’t stop advocating for him. In a statement, his brother DAVID WHELAN said the news was “a catastrophe for Paul,” but he expressed appreciation for the government’s advance notice. “The Biden Administration made the right decision to bring Ms. Griner home, and to make the deal that was possible, rather than waiting for one that wasn’t going to happen.”
Paul Whelan told CNN’s Jennifer Hansler by phone that he was “greatly disappointed that more has not been done to secure my release … I don’t understand why I’m still sitting here.”
There’s also concern about the decision to release Bout, as Lara Seligman reports . Some Pentagon officials worry that the trafficker, known as the “Merchant of Death,” will “return to illegally trafficking weapons, potentially fueling conflicts across the world,” especially in Africa. “We cannot ignore that releasing Bout back into the world is a deeply disturbing decision,” Senate Foreign Relations Chair BOB MENENDEZ (D-N.J.) said in a statement.
Republicans are already spotlighting Bout’s release. “This is a gift to VLADIMIR PUTIN, and it endangers American lives,” House GOP Leader KEVIN McCARTHY tweeted . “Leaving Paul Whelan behind for this is unconscionable.”
Menendez has it right.
Menendez belongs in jail
Also true. But he’s right here.
Is he actually a spy do you think? Was it a drug deal? Why would he have so much cash? I find this way more interesting than Brittany Griner and want a movie/book about this ASAP.
I am sure he was somehow working for us. Or maybe thought he was. Who knows? This and Anne Sacoolas seem to be more than is let on in the news.
Really? Someone with that much illegal crap in his military history? I wouldn’t think the CIA would touch him with a 10 foot pole.
Sounds like he was criminal to me. But maybe I watch too much TV…
I have no idea. I don’t think he was a spy for the U.S. government because I don’t see any of those agencies hiring him with his history.
Sometimes you get a contract worker to help with odd jobs. Especially in that line of work.
If we are trying to get him out, my guess is that we may have more than a citizen and former employer role with him. My guess is that if that is true, it will remain murky and we will never really know.
Sounds like there was zero chance they could get Whelan (based on the comments to the family) so they took what they could get.
Honestly all the Monday morning quarterbacking on this reminds me of how everyone suddently became a zoology expert when they had to shoot Harambe.
And infectious disease experts in early 2020.
Thanks for this summary! Definitely mysterious.
Thank you for bringing this up! I was going to point out Whelan’s history this morning but the thread was well off the rails with vilifying Griner and idolizing Whelan.
I’m thankful that Griner is safely away (as safe as one can be in America these days) from the Russian jail system and the Siberian labor camp.
Late for this but I’m sitting in a restaurant bar being glad I never worked as a bartender. Old ash,,, guy flirting with lady bartender just switched conversation to Griner’s release. She demurred. Ugly commentary follows about he expected her to “never take a knee like others of ‘her kind,’” whatever that means. I’d have punched him in his face. He is evidently a regular. I’d quit me damn job.
Saw this IG channel which I found interesting and was hoping we could play the same here as we have such a range of ages and life experiences. Basically the young IG channel owner walks up to people in the streets mostly in Toronto or Montreal who want to speak and asks the following
What age are you and how do you feel about being that age or what is it like being that age.
If you could go back and re live any year of your life what would it be and why.
What is something that mattered to you a lot when you were younger that you realize does not matter at all now in life.
I will post my own answers once this gets thru mod and I hope others do too as I am curious what people will say.
Early 40s now. Love my age/wisdom except being closer to death. Would relive the first year being married or first year of my only child’s life bc they were wonderful -hard to pick which one was better. I wish I could tell my earlier self I would one day have the courage to admit that I don’t believe in god like my religion (xianity) thinks I should, and get on with my life. I put a lot of my life on hold struggling under religious expectations. I spent time investing in relationships with xians that would not last bc I was inevitably going to disagree with those people one day. It was a waste on many sides to pretend to myself and others that I thought religious belief mattered. Thank god (lol) I got out/honest with myself at least and before I married and had a kid.
Late 20s, and I feel like things are getting better all the time. I might have thought as a kid that this was old, but I am so relieved to have an even emotional keel in a way I didn’t even just a couple years ago (some of that is therapy and meds, but some of it I suspect is also time!).
Any year since I’ve been married would be fun to relive. We’re only 4 years in, but I still sometimes have the feeling that I haven’t been paying enough attention to how happy I am. To borrow an excellent quote from a dubious source, “There are moments I know I will long for even as I live them.”
Other people’s opinions mattered a lot to me when I was younger. I would absolutely have told you that they didn’t, but I would have been thinking of other people as in, passed them on the street, not other people like friends, or my parents. I have learned that even in loving relationships you don’t have to agree all the time, or even with people whose wisdom you respect. Letting go of my need for my dad’s approval, for example, has been a recent development, and a rewarding one. (I get to snuggle with my dog on the couch now!)
Oops, the dubious source I was thinking of isn’t even the right one. Correct, non-dubious source is Judith Katzir.
I’m 53, which is great in many ways – I’m more confident than ever and happy in my relationships – but also difficult – dealing with loss of parents/in-laws and omg hot flashes!
If I could relive any year, it would be 2019, the year before my mother died. I would spend so much more time with her and I would find a way for her to get in to see her doctor, possibly diagnosing her cancer at an earlier stage and saving her.
When I was younger, I cared a lot about what other people thought of me. So much, in fact, that I sometimes didn’t notice that I was trying hard to impress someone I didn’t think was all that great. I know this is a byproduct of the patriarchy, but I wish I could tell younger me to revel in being the subject, not the object.
39 now. I feel a mix of things. I have fancy credentials and degrees that make people say “wow, you’ve done all that at your age?!” and no husband which makes people say “wow, you’re still single at your age?!” My body is more easily bothered by my lazy eating (junk food or snacks instead of meals or delivery).
If I could go back and relive a year, I think it’d be 26… I was in my first remission and moved to NYC for the first time, met a guy who was in the entertainment world and was literally on a poster on my wall and we fell in love while I was falling in love with NYC. I spent 6 months living off my credit card so no work responsibilities (as someone who’d never even taken a summer break in college, this was huge). I had an air mattress, 2 pillows, a table and lamp I got from the street, a carry-on bag worth of clothes, my dog, and it was more than enough. It really highlighted for me that dear friends, love, and a city that invigorates me are worth my time, focus, and funds, while items really aren’t… and also that I absolutely can and did and would always love to eat a slice or two of NYC pizza every day!
Something that mattered when I was younger that doesn’t matter to me at all now is my immediate bio fam. I was once desperate to be loved and wanted and not harmed by them. I work in therapy now to undo the lack of sense of self because of my upbringing. But I’m 10-20+ years past any relationship with any of them and I am so much happier now that my life is filled with people who are kind to me, who do not harm my body and my heart and my spirit, and I am beginning to sometimes see glimpses of myself the way my loved ones see me and to accept and believe that who I actually am isn’t someone who deserved the treatment of my childhood. (I’m still not great at knowing how to accept gifts or praise or support but I’m working on that with my therapist and being here since the very beginning means some of y’all have said things or even done things that have helped my process too.)
I know I can’t go back to that beloved year, but one of my big goals is to keep working to create a life for Present Me that Future Me will wish she could go back and relive.
42. Content. Cliché but it took a small health scare at 39 to realize I was letting life pass me by and sitting there unhappy because I don’t have a spouse, perfect job or home, instead of being out there doing the things I want and making myself happy.
29. Life was just easy. 5 years into biglaw so I wasn’t a newbie, was getting senior enough to do a lot of things for the first time – first solo depositions, business trips etc. so it was EXCITING. I was young and not tired, work hard and play hard, huge paycheck for that age. My parents were younger and were barely retired, so I didn’t have the older people worries I do now.
Not sure – I guess other people’s opinions don’t matter. Funny thing is friend or peer opinions never mattered, but I guess parent and sibling opinions got to me. As I’ve become more content, I realize that my sister’s opinions are ALWAYS about her projecting her own unhappiness and insecurities on everyone else. And I’ve realized that my parents’ opinions sometimes mean well but they tend not to be based on facts, most often are based upon – what will the relatives say about you and by extension US, and as they age often it’s about what would be good for THEM, not me.
I enjoy my age, and apart from maybe, what, late teens, I always have.
I really enjoyed being 8, but don’t feel the need to relive anything. I have more money for sweets now, anyway.
What mattered as I was younger, but not now, sort of as a comment to the poster below about the esoteric interests guy:
I thought I liked guys who had the same esoteric interests. In reality they are very tedious to spend time with outside of the small stuff, and they want to much credit for the common ground, primadonna jerks. As I get older I appreciate similar values combined with different interests more.
-mid 40s. love it. my kids are almost grown and starting their own lives and i am still young and fit enough to fully enjoy mine. i laugh at my much younger self who thought 40 was old.
-i wouldn’t go back at all. i believe the past -the good, the bad, and the ugly- should stay in the past and that there is nothing to be gained from going back and reliving any of it.
-other people’s opinions. what is considered ‘in style’. the arbitrary expectations of society.
I read an essay in the Paris Review recently called “Scenes from an Open Marriage” and I’d love to hear the hive’s thoughts. The piece was beautifully written, but it ultimately described a woman who’s husband proposes opening up their marriage 5 months after the birth of their new baby, while she was struggling with postpartum depression and too exhausted to garden. She agrees, hoping it will save their marriage, though not wanting to necessarily participate herself. He goes out and finds new partners in their twenties, while she largely doesn’t take advantage of the arrangement at all and continues to care for the child.
It made me think about how there are still a lot of problems in straight relationships in terms of divisions of labor and relationships to gardening (more specifically, how men are socialized to treat gardening), that can sometimes get swept under the rug. I think I probably do a bit more emotional labor in my relationship for example, though my boyfriend is as ‘evolved’ as a man could be. With other guys I dated, I can’t even imagine the amount of emotional and household labor I’d have to do in order to make it work. Or compromise and sacrifice, etc. Though I know scorekeeping isn’t productive to a relationship, I always feel that the advice against scorekeeping is also a way of rendering invisible a lot of the extra labor women do in order to make straight relationships work.
The Paris Review essay just seemed to really hit it home even more though. Instead of progressive ideas being used to hold men to higher standards and force them to stand up to the plate, it’s being used in their relationship to justify him hooking up with twenty-year olds while his wife takes care of the baby…
I agree with all of this, including how advice about “letting things go” or “not keeping score” is often mostly just asking straight women to lower their expectations, because we know that if we don’t there will be far too few men who are remotely eligible for dating, marrying or having kids with.
I’ve never done an open relationship, but I will say that it sounds like this couple went against all the advice about doing it successfully. It’s not supposed to happen under duress, both people are supposed to be enthusiastic and feel empowered about it, and it isn’t supposed to be used as a stopgap (or, sole stopgap) when the primary relationship isn’t going well. But as you say, when it isn’t done conscientiously it’s not surprising if it just ends up meaning work and loneliness for the woman, enabling playtime for the man.
Selfish people will do and say whatever they need to for their own gain. I’ve never seen much of a correlation with general politics.
For an extreme example, look at Trump. He said Democratic things when it benefitted him and some Republican things when it benefited him.
She should have just filed for divorce when her husband asked for an open marriage when their child was less than six months old. Like, it’s over at that point. She married a man-baby who wants to play and have fun and not deal with the responsibilities of being a parent and an adult partner to another adult. Period, full stop. I’m sorry that wasn’t evident to her before she married the dude, but that request and his subsequent actions have shown her who this guy really is, and she should believe him. Every day she stays in the marriage is a day wasted where she could find an actual functional adult who can co-adult (and co-parent) with her. That situation is transparently not about “romantic choice” but about avoidance of responsibility.
I don’t get people in this type of situation who agree to something they do not want to “save their marriage.” There’s no marriage there to save. Actually, I think if you start thinking about something as “this will save our marriage,” you are already in deep deep trouble and it’s probably better to call it vs. continuing to pour water into a bucket with a hole in the bottom.
Whatever people want to do in their marriages is fine with me; it’s not my business. Open marriage is a flat no for me – if my husband is that interested in having sex with other people, let’s just get a divorce and avoid a lot of mess and messy entanglements. Part of it is that I have never seen an open marriage work out well, and I do know a number of people who tried it. Whether it was open like both people got to “date” other partners but could not have commitments, or there was a “hinge” relationship with one person in the center, or a “throuple” where all three were involved with each other, every single one I have known about has completely imploded and caused a lot of collateral damage to kids, elderly parents, friends, businesses, careers, etc. I don’t know if humans are fundamentally monogamous, but I do think our current society is not fundamentally set up to handle polyamory. If other people can make it work for them, great. But as I said – if my husband wants to date other people, I’m happy to free him to do that and then I can go along my merry way and either be happy on my own, or find a man who just wants me. Fortunately, the issue has never come up.
I don’t share well.
Preach. If you (general you) want multiple concurrent relationships, maybe marriage isn’t for you.
In my experience of observing straight friends go through phases of trying polyamory and/or open relationships, in every single case the woman was unenthusiastic about it or downright opposed, but went along with it because she wanted to save her marriage or felt under pressure to say yes in the name of “s*x positivity.” My only friends who have done this successfully have been g*y.
I’m sure there are exceptions, but this is what I’ve seen (and I’ve seen a lot…Seattle in the early 2010s was very into nonmonogamy).
+1 I’ve had several friends try poly relationships, and it always exploded with the women getting hurt.
I mean, I don’t think it’s groundbreaking or new that a lot of hetero men suggest open relationships because they just want permission to cheat, and women say yes rather than lose the relationship. This was the case with LuAnn “the Countess” way back on Season 1 of Real Housewives of NYC…
It was so sad when she admitted that. And then she married known philanderer Tom D’Agastino…sigh.
IME guys just have a physical need to get off sometimes. This husband could have done that on his own without an extra-marital partner.
I don’t consider “polyamory” to be a progressive idea, much less a politically progressive idea. I guess I did not know it was being couched that way.
By progressive ideas I assume you mean the notion that relationships outside of one man and one woman exist and can work?
Think of it this way: before this would have been an acceptable relationship model to propose, douche bag husband would have cheated on his wife in secret. Now she gets to decide whether she is willing to pay this as price of admission for staying in this marriage. It’s not that his actions have necessarily changed, but they are more out in the open.
Are they really? Unless he puts on the family calendar “Date with Catelyn; might stay over so can you walk the dog in the morning and take kiddo to orthodontist,” I doubt it is really transparent. If he spends $400 on dinner and good wine with Catelyn, do you get an extra $400 to spend on shoes if you’re not hooking up with anyone? Also: can he and Catelyn get tested for all diseases and report weekly? B/c at that point, I’m not sleeping with him anymore if he’s also Catelyn. I don’t think that this arrangement could survive an audit.
I do have a friend who is long term poly and is only involved with other poly people, and it has been going well for her for 15+ years so far. She has a primary partner (also poly) that she lives with and a child with that partner, and nothing has imploded yet. But their relationship started on that footing, and they both have had other partners throughout. Their other partners came to their co-ed baby shower. Regular STD tests are required of all partners and everyone knows when someone has a new physical partner. My friend and her primary partner have separate finances and are not legally married but have legal arrangements in place for the child. One of her other partners is married and I once went hiking with my friend, her secondary partner, his wife, and another friend — it was surprisingly not awkward. Over time she has had both male and female partners. My friend stopped dating people who prefer monogamy years ago because of the messiness.
It’s definitely not for me, and honestly if I didn’t know this friend for years and years, I would totally feel like you do. It just doesn’t seem like it could work, yet for some people, apparently it does.
And I want to emphasize — all of these relationships STARTED as non-monogamous. The non-monogamy was not introduced unilaterally by one partner years into the relationship.
Don’t get me wrong, I cannot see myself agreeing with something like this. You want to hook up with other women? Fine, we are no longer married. And it’s crappy to turn the choice around on the woman. But I think all of this is more connected with this husband being a crappy partner than with the notion of an open marriage existing. You can abuse any system and idea, that’s not necessarily the idea’s fault.
I am also with you on the equality part. Same rules for both spouses.
Right, now he gets to make her the bad guy for not agreeing to his super progressive solution. Instead of taking responsibility for ending the marriage because he doesn’t want to be married.
My friend is a woman who dates women and the same thing happened to her. It was really a gross way for her ex to manipulate her into agreeing to being hurt. Like, “if you don’t like me banging other women while I ignore your physical and emotional needs, you are a conservative, closed-minded person!”
it’s definitely not good, I am just not convinced that it’s worse than what would have happened without the poly angle. If someone wants to hook up with others, they will find a way.
That happened to one of my gay relatives too.
I didn’t read the article but I found the whole setup of the issue sad and unsurprising.
There was a twitter thread about husbands who “couldn’t” wait the required 6-8 weeks postpartum for gardening, which made me even sadder.
I find that unbelievable. We’re on a gardening hiatus on the advice of my OB and my husband hasn’t made a peep of protest. In fact, he said to me after we left that appointment, “She didn’t want to look at me when she said that, did she?” I shudder to think what other husbands’ attitudes in that situation have been. OK, sure, there’s a physiological need sometimes; but you’re an adult!
I read that article and you are correct that it was a parade’s worth of red flags. The worst part I think was that she was SUCH a good writer and was so obviously tying herself into knots to convince herself that this will save her marriage.
I like to think that her IRL friends and family saw that article, read him for filth, helped support her with more babysitting/time for herself/therapy and she eventually dumped him and is now living her best life while he is shunned from their social circle.
Just read the piece.
Relevant info for me:
– Her husband is a musician
– They appear to have been together since their teens.
If the marriage isn’t already over, I give it another 18 months, 2 years at the outside.
from my limited anecdata in my circle of friends which do include poly and queer people, the only open or poly relationships that have worked out long term is when the primary woman suggests it and either she’s the one with multiple partners or both her and her primary male partner both have other partners and they talk and schedule everything out together. otherwise it’s pretty much the living trope of a man trying to justify his cheating with a younger woman who isn’t trying to raise a child. in OPs story, if the woman wasn’t the one who suggested it, she should have filed for divorce that second it was brought up.
I keep score way to much in my relationship! Although we do not plan on having kids, I do more around the house and also have a significantly higher income. That does get tough.
As far as open relationship, while I’ve never been in one myself, I enjoyed being wined and dined by men in open relationships or marriages with no serious emotional commitments. It was great honestly! I had fun while actually dating other men who were single. Most of the men in open relationships are no longer with their partner for various reasons. The only one I know that is still with his wife has been with her since they were 16, they are incredibly wealthy, can afford full time child care while they both pursue their very successful careers and have “fun”. However, to my knowledge, they did not open their marriage to save it. That won’t last long.
Sounds like you aren’t keeping score enough. Time to reallocate household responsibilities or break up!
He’s cook more if I liked his cooking and he’d clean more if I didn’t have to redo the dishes he cleans lol
Weaponized incompetence.
Well your marriage certainly sounds great for him! I’d rather be single that make most of the money and do most of the chores at the same time.
Perhaps incompetence but I don’t think it is weaponized.
Stop redoing the dishes. If he can’t get dishes clean on the first round, he needs to redo his work.
As a busy professional, it was great to meet men in open relationships. I’m high drive and for a time I liked having a fwb but disliked people who flake, waste my time, or demand more of me than I’ve told them I’m willing to give. Guys in open relationships were punctual, put in the effort to plan time to meet up, and didn’t expect me to be their shoulder to cry on about work or friends or their wife or whatever. Some guys of course were too demanding but it was easy enough to cut them loose. I have no idea how or if their marriages worked.
I’m married now and I wouldn’t want to be in an open marriage. Who has time for that? It’s hard enough to find the time and energy to have great date nights together. Plus I have my own friends and family and hobbies. The emotional aspect aside, I don’t understand how people have the time for it!
I would just caution anyone dating men who say they’re in open marriages not to blithely accept that as the truth based on his word.
Based on my experience, “Open” means wife doesn’t know. “Separated” means thinking about divorce, but wife also doesn’t know. “Divorced” means separated.
The only people who have ever told me not to scorekeep in a marriage were men. I’ve been married for 23 years. The scoreekeeping is going fine.
Hah, there’s a good point. “Don’t keep score [because I’m absolutely slacking and don’t want you to know it]!”
I don’t consider that an open marriage as such requires 2 willing participants. Instead, it’s a man who held his wife financially and emotionally hostage while she endured the physical and psychological impact of pregnancy and birth by forcing her to agree to something she didn’t want so he wouldn’t leave because he made her feel guilty when he was only prioritizing his pleasure over his wife and his child.
Knowing this is considered by anyone to be anything other than @busive is heartbreaking to me, as is this woman’s experience. Everyone deserved better except this guy and including the 20 yr olds he preyed on.
Gross.
favorite pastime: reading redd1t relationship advice posts from husbands who have badgered and badgered and badgered their wives into an open relationship, and are now extremely hurt that she has had sex with someone else.
“It’s no fair!,” they whine.
10/10, would (and will) read again.
so, the essay was written by a woman who agreed to let her husband have extra-marital affairs in order to “save her marriage”. the poor woman. what an awful man.
i’ve been in a straight relationship for almost 25 years, and i can’t imagine the mindset needed to actually keep score of things like emotional and household labor, or sacrifices made. while a lot of things women do are rendered invisible by society, that doesn’t mean they are invisible to the man she’s in a relationship with. if they are, that’s a husband problem, not a division of labor problem.
As a GenXer, I’m trying to make it clear to my kids (especially my daughter) that you need to be cautious/thoughtful about finding a partner, because some of the VERY worst guys are the ones who have a whole spiel about how they are so lefty, so progressive, so feminist, so sensitive, but their actions don’t live up to their words.There’s a whole set of guys in my town who are busy “finding themselves” while their wife does all the kid stuff, all the housework, and holds down a full-time job.
Also, I think women are socialized to feel like being with anyone is better than being alone, and that’s just not the case.
What are your favorite book lovers gifts? Even a gift certificate could work to your favorite source online.
Also, I have an elderly friend who is loosing her vision (macular degeneration) and has been using magnifying glasses to read, which is unpleasant for her. I suspect some sort of tablet device would be the right thing for her where you can easily expand the type? It doesn’t necessarily have to be tablet just for book reading, unless you think that is best. I could also load apps on it to watch some TV shows/movies she would like and she could use it for that too.
Is she interested in using audiobooks or a screen reader? In that case, an iPad might be better than a kindle, and she could also watch movies on it. I really love my iPad mini and really prefer the smaller size and weight for reading in bed, but if text size is an issue, she might need to go with one of the bigger ones.
Thanks for your thoughts! I have already given her several audiobooks, and I hope those grow on her as she looses more of her vision. What do you mean by a screen reader?
Yes, I was wondering about an iPad, although that is a bit pricey for my budget. I hoped that there would be an android version that was more affordable. I have an older iPad mini myself and I love using it like you do. Then again, she is almost 90 and does have a Mac computer so maybe iPad brand is safer…
A screen reader can read text to you so that you can use a phone or computer while visually impaired. The iPhone and iPad have one built in, and I know you can use it with the kindle app, though it’s not like having a nicely narrated audiobook. I’m sure there are also apps that work on android, though, and I don’t even know if the native iOS app is the best one to use, just that it exists and works. If her vision is getting worse, I would think it might be nice to have the option to sometimes use audio, though. I’m sure there are good online references for this if you’re interested, though, from people who have actually really used them.
Is she using a handheld magnifying glass? If she is, I wonder if she might like one of those adjustable ones people use for crafts, etc.
I explained that badly – maybe something like this? https://www.amazon.com/Magnifying-8-Diopter-Magnifier-Adjustable-Workbench/dp/B08Z7H8TKC/ref=sr_1_8?keywords=Magnifier+Lamp+Clamp&qid=1670532280&sr=8-8
Thanks for this. I will see her soon and will take a look at what she is using now.
Politics and Prose does a “signed first editions” subscription where each month you receive a book signed by the author. The authors are generally ones you might hear being interviewed on NPR programs like 1A. The cost is that of a hardback book + shipping, so about $35/month, and you can sign up for 6 or 12 months.
Both the giftee and I enjoyed the books and it was a good variety of authors, genres and subjects we probably wouldn’t have picked on our own.
How interesting. Thank you for sharing this.
My mom has macular degeneration and enjoys her kindle fire tablet much more than my iPad — the resolution much better for her.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I bought her an Alexa device a few years ago, and it looks like this is compatible with that as well.
Hi–
My stepmom had macular degeneration until she passed of another illness.
Here’s what helped her most – having many large magnifying glasses, in many rooms.
Having magnifying glasses “jewelry” on necklaces. (These exist–check etsy and some of the senior catalogs). She would use this to see many things.
She _LOVED_ audiobooks.
She could use a kindle for a little bit, but ultimately, a very large ipad (the largest they made at the time) was best for her.
She really enjoyed when I would offer to drive her places, and especially when we went to things with music, like concerts, farmers market where there was a band, etc.
I hope this helps.
Example of magnifying glass necklaces: https://store.metmuseum.org/celestial-magnifier-round-pendant-80049848?gclid=CjwKCAiAs8acBhA1EiwAgRFdw_DCxthYoPj4MEWqQSmAMIhiTECKaz-Lkws8DGgJin6JbPkGJH1emxoCkQIQAvD_BwE
Thank you for this wonderful list. It is very helpful and I think she would LOVE that “jewelry” idea. I am planning on taking driving her to the theater after the holidays. I need to drive her places more… yes yes
I have several friends who would love a gift certificate to Powell’s or another independent book seller.
My elderly friend who can’t read anymore loves her audible subscription. Your friend may be in better shape and a kindle may do – but something to keep in mind for the future.
I have struggled with Concept X since college. Today I was asked to do a bit of fairly simple work involving double-checking stuff based on X, and it just wasn’t working. I was fully convinced it was my own difficulty grasping it, but I took it down the hall to the assigning supervisor just now and said, “There’s only one part I couldn’t verify,” and he immediately said, “X? Yup, it was off,” and named the exact error I had been coming up against over and over again.
This is your reminder to trust yourself!
That’s great!
I have a similar story actually. I was very nervous about doing X in setting up my solo practice. I was about to pay someone else up to $200 for each instance of X job…but this potential contractor was taking too long to get back to me, so I gave it a shot myself. Each X took me a few hours at most, so I’m saving hundreds of dollars and building confidence in X. In the long run, I may save thousands on X by never relying on anyone else for it!
Oh–I realize this might just sound like I did decorating or design myself, and called it good enough. X is a nitpicky admin thing that results in a thumbs up or down from an authority, so you know whether you’ve done it correctly or not.
Love that for you! Especially in the context of your solo practice.
Thank you. You just made me do the thing. It’s not thing X that I think I can’t do, but thing Y that I don’t like doing and have considered outsourcing. However, once I get going, it’s actually not that bad, and now thing Y is done for this month.
Follow up on my prior post about pustular rosacea, for those who are interested.
I finally got into my dermatologist after waiting a month +. She apologized for being overbooked and is frustrated that the new practice she has joined is not leaving any available times for “emergency” visits.
While I was waiting, and since one of you mentioned soolantra, I asked curology (which I’ve used for a long time for a tretinoin-azelaic acid – niacinimide cream) whether they offered it. A few pictures and messages later, they sent me a new formula with ivermectin-azelaic acid-metronidazole.
I confessed to my derm that I had done this. She asked how much it cost and I told her. She said it was an “excellent” formula and that she would have recommended soolantra to me for the next step, but my insurance wouldn’t have approved it without failing Finacea (azelaic acid) first, which is ridiculous because they also didn’t approve Finacea. She said most of her patients pay $600 ish out of pocket for Soolantra, so if I could get this mix for about $40/month, I should just keep doing it.
I’ve only just started using the new mix but so far so good.
I am a fellow patient. Soolantra so far isn’t a magic bullet, but I’m still using it (insurance covers it), after 6+ months. I did get v-beam this fall, two light sessions and a middle session in which I got very bruised, and IDK if that did the trick but the pizza face phase is over and now I’m just a bit pink. I had Indian food for lunch — hopefully no pizza face tomorrow.
OP here. I need to go back to v-beam. I tried IPL for less bruising but it didn’t do nearly as good of a job as the vbeam. Living with the purple dots is tough though.
My v-beam place went out of business, unfortunately. It’s so hard to trust anyone else with something so powerful.
I went before for capillaries/left behind redness from flushing rosacea. I didn’t know it would help with the pustules (pizza face) as well. I really should get on it. Thanks for the reminder.
Had 4 dates with a guy that knocked my socks off. Our last date was supposed to be an hour and lasted 8 hours. We had SO MUCH in common, very esoteric interests that I never expected a man could share with me. After each date, he was continuing the conversation via multiple texts before I had even arrived home.
A week ago, he disappeared completely. I am gutted. We hadn’t gotten physical yet, but he was such wonderful company. I thought we could at least be friends that got together every so often to indulge our weird interests [think watching Cary Grant movies].
I feel like I don’t even want to date anymore, because I’ve discovered there is a man in the world like him and he doesn’t want me. And now the average 40s guy whose interests are limited to sports and beer just will not cut it, no matter what he looks like or how nicely he treats me, because we have almost nothing to talk about.
Do I settle now? Re-sign myself to spinsterhood? I have dated hundreds of men so I know I am not finding another one like this.
Give yourself time to grieve and then get back out there if you’d still like to be partnered.
Glass of champagne for a bullet dodged? Your first para is very love bombing sounding and I say that as someone who got serious with My DH quickly and it worked out. You can connect with someone quickly but your first para was sending up red flags.
Sometimes people just get along and have engaging or engrossing can’t conversations. This board is so quick to diagnose every man as antisocial. It is disturbing. And of course it is usually by someone coupled and happy. “I found my needle but be honest with yourself, you are probably forever doomed to just hay.”
In fairness, the guy went from 8 hour dates to ghosting her, with no explanation, so yeah, something is remiss.
IMHO, you cannot find the right person when you’re with the wrong person.
That’s not at all love bombing.
Yeah I don’t understand why this is love bombing. Until the ghosting it sounded a lot like me and my husband at the beginning.
Settling is never the answer. And keep in mind that you don’t want “another one like this” because this guy ghosted you. You want someone who excites you the way he did, but is actually emotionally available.
I’m sorry this happened, but please don’t feel like you missed out. If he was the right person for you, he would still be there.
I met that guy at least twice while I was dating – second or third guy was my husband. Keep going, there are more than you think.
(At least, there are many fish in the sea in terms of quick and deep connection — don’t only look for guys into your “weird interests.”)
I’m sorry but this is just not true. There is nothing to connect ON without shared something.
Good for you re: second or third guy was your husband. I’m beyond 200 first dates at this point, and 95% of OLD men look like they just got out of prison.
I mean, your question was if your standards were too high…
OP, shared something does not equal shared everything. If there’s 33% Venn diagram overlap between your interests and someone else’s interests, I think it’s worth spending some more time with that person to see if you align on a deeper level. Because there is no such thing as a 100% overlap, IME.
If you have gone on over 200 first dates and are still lamenting that there are no good guys out there, then yes, your standards are too high. It’s a lot to expect that a guy share all your “esoteric interests” and be fascinating to you in the exact way that you want. It’s more important that he share your values and goals and wants to build a life with you that’s meaningful for you both. You may not be giving people enough time to show who they really are before looking at what’s not matching up on the surface and discarding people over superficial things. Do you want someone who will watch Cary Grant movies with you but then abandon you when the going gets tough in the relationship? Or is it worth sitting through some Adam Sandler movies to have someone in your life who genuinely cares about you and wants to help and support you?
You can connect based on the type of person you are, or just finding the other person interesting or nice to be around. You talk about your separate interests and tell the other person about them, and maybe they become an interest.
I had very little interest in sports until I met DH – our first date was a sporting event and he spent a lot of explaining the nuances of the game to me – I liked him, so I was open to it, and though I wouldn’t have expected it, I actually, genuinely found it interesting.
Point being, “esoteric interests” such as Cary Grant movies are superficial. You don’t need to have that in common with someone to connect. Be open to them, have them be open to you, and get to know each other, in all your differences.
My husband of over 20 years was not my type. I dated the tall, thin, poetic liberal types all my life. Married ex-military libertarian leaning man with a larger and muscular build. We actually don’t have many shared interests. But when I am with him, I feel like a content kitty, just purring away. We don’t match, but we somehow fit.
yes! my husband was not my “type” physically or in affect – not at all like the dark haired cerebral types I’d always loved. i hated frat bros and my husband was not only in one but has the affect years later. but we fit.
This sucks! I’m so sorry. Right before I met my husband, I went on a few dates with a guy and felt very much about him like you’re describing. Then he ghosted me. I was so so sad. Then, I met my husband. He likes beer and sports (and a million other things), but he would never in a million years ghost a woman. I’m never in favor of lowering your standards, but this guy isn’t some great guy. I know it’s hard to believe, but you dodged a bullet.
Thanks for the replies above. Honest question: what on earth do you connect ON with someone that does NOT share your interests? The woman who is married to the “beer and sports” guy – ok great, he would never ghost a woman. Do you just…talk about how great that is?
Because sure, there are a few “beer and sports” men that have expressed interest in me and would treat me well. But…we have nothing to talk about. No activities to share. Only one person can enjoy themselves at a time (going to a football game for him vs going to the symphony for me). Even model-gorgeous men are not attractive to me if we have nothing in common.
My husband and I didn’t have too many interests in common when we met, but we came from similar upper middle class backgrounds, families that valued education, etc, and there was a spark and we could talk about a lot of stuff. First 10 dates+ was drinking and dinner dates, and half of the conversations were easily about the food or the drinks or the atmosphere or how it compared to other places we’d been to or just what we had done that week. We also watched a lot of TV and movies to share our interests with the other, having a show to binge together also made it easy to connect. Now that we’ve built a life together we talk about the kids and vacations and the house and the garden and the aging parents but also restaurants and things like that.
Where are you meeting men that can ONLY talk about beer, sports and nothing else? Presumably you’re dating educated men with careers, maybe they watch the news, maybe they read, maybe they travel or go do stuff around town, no? Or can you ONLY talk about Cary Grant movies? I think in any relationship it’s fine for each person to have their own deep hobby – just because he’s obsessed with Penn State football doesn’t mean you need to be, nor does he have to be obsessed with Cary Grant movies.
I’m married to someone with generally different interests. He’s into science and likes rock bands, does not read except science journals, and likes martial arts. I’m a lit major lawyer who likes ballet. We connected over physical attraction at first, then just being good in conversation and taking an interest in each other. We now have certain things in common – we like travel, exploring our city and trying new spots, and watching movies on the couch – but we continue to be different people who like different things. I knew he was the one because he was easy to be with, never played games or was dishonest, and we are aligned on the big things: trust, money, wanting a family. My ex-husband shared all my interests and was a lying, cheating and emotionally abusive POS, so I appreciate my second marriage deeply.
Same except for the exhusband part. Right now my husbands biggest hobby is watching football and mine is working out. Neither one of us did those things at all when we first got married.
Because surely he like things other than just football and beer? My husband likes both (a LOT) but he also likes the same quirky comedy shows I do, and watching Chopped, and trying interesting restaurants. And I have friends with whom I share my other interests (like CrossFit, which interests him not at all). You don’t need to find your carbon copy. Just common ground.
I connect on values first, my activities and interests (hobbies, etc.) have changed over tine and I suspect will continue to evolve (I like to try new things). Plus, for me, I love learning about what others are interested in especially when they are not things I know about. That’s one of the few fun things about dating for me. I don’t want to date a male me – seems boring. I have yet to have a deep connection with someone who shared all my interests and I don’t want to. I want to have MY things I can do and have for me that my partner supports me in and vic me versa and sure some shared ones too but it’s again rare that I’ll connect with someone else who isn’t willing to go hiking, or biking, or listen to me talk about something I enjoy. And vice versa.
if you really want your guy to be into the symphony you need to look to see if they have a donor tier/group for people under 40 and then get really involved in that. the NY Phil has this group, for example. https://nyphil.org/support-us/membership/young-new-yorker
This is a great idea, except that I am over 40.
OK, but look for groups that don’t have that age limit? That was just an example, see “for example”
re NY Phil young new yorker group — its up to age 45, but they’d probably take you if you’re close to that also. others may go up to 50.
I’m a theatre and books person married to the beer and sports guy. But, at the end of the day, neither of us is only or primarily our hobbies or pastimes. We don’t have zero shared interests – our values and our politics are very aligned. We both have lots of friends who we share our hobbies with, and then talk them over with each other. We respect each other’s work a great deal and we talk about that. I’ve also learned to enjoy some sports stuff and vice versa. I don’t care about State U, but he does, and it’s a lot of fun watching your person get so excited about something. He also goes to fun, new restaurants with me even though that’s not his thing. We all value things differently though. You can value those shared interests more that I do, and I’m not trying to convince you otherwise. Shared values, faith, and politics was more important to me than hobbies/pastimes and it’s worked out well. That’s partially because I knew we wanted to have kids. My calculus might be different if that wasn’t the case.
I don’t know how to put this into words, but I’ve had a hell of a year. Death of multiple loved ones, immense work stress, and health challenges. My husband has been both my rock and my soft place to land. Every single hobby, pastime has called my the wayside. It is our love and commitment and general goodwill that has sustained me. Settling is so not the answer, but I would focus on the big picture commonalities.
I connected with my husband on a shared sense of values, a shared curiosity about the world, and a shared sense of humor (very dry). We met a long time ago, so we’ve grown into some interests, like cooking and food and wine in general, together. He’s brought me into some of his interests, including sports (but never baseball), though he’s very loyal and I’m much more of a fair-weather fan. I’ve probably influenced him into an interest in politics, though we tend to focus on different stories. And we each have our own hobbies that the other will never be really into, but we give each other room to pursue them, a little feigned interest when the other wants to talk about their thing, and the occasional attempt to join them in it.
My husband and I have nothing in common in terms of interests. He is sporty and runs 50+ miles per week, I consider walking exercise. I read 100 books a year, he doesn’t read for pleasure. But we have shared values and the same sense of humor and make each other laugh. The idea that you need shared hobbies with a partner is weird to me.
Do you and your friends only talk about the esoteric interests you have in common? Surely this isn’t the only thing with which you can connect and relate.
Do you and your friends only talk about the esoteric interests you have in common? Surely this isn’t the only thing with which you can connect and relate.
Honey, you aren’t the problem. The guy who ghosted you is.
Sounds to me like this guy ghosted you because you didn’t get physical after 4 dates and that’s all he was looking for. He wasn’t looking for a partner. Settling is never the answer, and spinsterhood is much, much better than you might think! See post above about division of labor-not a problem when you are single, constant problem when you are in a relationship.
Le sigh. I was/am so ready to GET physical with him. It has been almost 3 years.
You are better off!
Same, weird interests won’t matter. Emotional, ethical and social compability will.
+1 to the love bomb comment.
Did we date the same guy? This one was a doctor who seemed to have all his ish together. We had several unusual common interests, which made us seem like a great match, until he ghosted me after 5 dates. I went on 50+ first dates over 2 years. And now, I’m married. I look back on Dr. Ghost and feel thankful that he showed me he wasn’t emotionally available so I could keep dating to find another great guy.
My guy wasn’t a doctor. Many years of dating have already taught me that doctors are out of my league, so I don’t even try anymore.
The only guys in my league are broke guys and guys that are about to be broke. Based on 20+ years of dating.
I’m here to tell you that any doctor would be lucky to have you. They are NOT “out of your league.” Source: dorkiest, nerdiest, former lawyer – married to a fab one who’s handsome, sporty and smart. There are many jerky doctors though – keep them out of your world lol.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish I could wave a magic wand and have the universe present one of the men who are out there who deserve you. Hang in there, my virtual friend.
I think you might consider taking a break from dating, just because you sound worn out and jaded, and that energy comes through to people. It is totally okay for you to be single. I would rather be single than think that my only options are “broke or about to be broke guys.” Why bother dating guys you consider to be less than what you really want? At that point it seems like you’re just doing it to kill time, or something.
He sounds like a terrible partner, from my point of view.
I totally get being excited about esoteric interests, but that’s what friends and fandom (or nerddom) is for. He could have been a nerd friend, but not a partner. I don’t need somebody who will talk for hours, I want somebody who will eat dinner in comfortable silence, if that makes any sense.
Values, ethics, physical attraction (smell! touch!) , opinion about local politics, sensible ideas about class and society and knowing one’s own priviledge – all of these are deal breaker topics to me. Esoteric is not. I get it, I do, but those guys are not for me.
hi
I’m looking for leg warmers for my 87 year old mom who has skinny legs but not school girl size that amazon has sent me even when choosing xl.
I’m in to support etsy or others, if you have recommendations.
thank you!
Uniqlo has some right now (I have a past season pair that I wore without shame in -40 type weather!). Their sizing runs small, but relatively normal – I think I wear a medium and they’re just fine.
Look at Discount Dance Supply. They have tons of adult leg warmers for warm ups. You can also check Mondor and Capezio, or just pop into your local dance supply store.
Lululemon has cozy ones!
thank you all!
This past year has been particularly expensive for me, and I’ve had to dip into cash savings rather than add to them. The market being down and my retirement accounts not looking so great isn’t helping. I know I need to cut back on spending, and I’ve been working on it but this time of year is just expensive with gifts, tips, and seeing friends who are temporarily in town… I’ve started writing down everything I spend and I know what I need to cut back on… but am looking for moral support. Anyone else in this boat?
Not quite the same boat, as we didn’t dip into savings (we don’t really have non-retirement savings though) but we did cut back on retirement contributions. Combination of some very expensive healthcare costs (we’re insured but with a high deductible), general inflation, and catching up on all the travel we postponed in 2020 and 2021. I’m working hard to stick to a budget for the next six months that should allow us to grow our savings and retirement contributions back to baseline and relax a bit come summer, but it is hard and not fun. And yes it’s an expensive time of year!
Everyone is in this boat!!! I had a tax problem and had to repay a refund I got so there went $4K, my 401K hasn’t moved despite maxing it out, I had to move and pay $7k for the movers, first and last months rent and security deposit, etc. But I’m going easy on myself because I have a decent income and I know things will get better…hopefully!
Also, ideas for cutting costs:
Happy hour with friends in town instead of dinner and drinks
Brunch dates instead of dinner
Cooking at home
Cut gym memberships for running outside or home workouts
Less expensive holiday gifts
Cutting streaming services like Netflix and Hulu or sharing
Going longer in between haircuts
Cut out luxuries like getting nails done at a salon
+1 – you can also pick a super cheap meal you know you like and commit to having it like once a week. tuna fish, pbj — canned fruit instead of frozen — buy in bulk instead of portion sizes.
Not the OP – While the moral support is nice, I’m sure not everyone is in this boat. Even just on this board there are people collecting six figure bonuses this time of year and others adding up their yearly budgets and being like hmm I saved fifty percent of my earnings this year in cash, great time to book that vacation in January costing tens of thousands of dollars with luxury everything.
Ahhh ok we know that but this is not necessary.
And those people are presumably scrolling by because they’re adults.
Yeah not OP either but the ‘everyone is in this boat’ felt tone deaf to me too. There are people on this board with seven figure annual incomes.
I don’t have a seven figure annual income but I have a mid 6 figure income — we’re in the same boat because it’s the time of the year where everything is coming due and there are holiday gifts and teacher gifts and expensive dinners like thanksgiving and christmas and yes we are booking next year’s spring break vacation but our credit cards are stretched to the max and we’re moving money around like crazy an trying to cut where we can. i don’t think anyone is comfortable right now especially when groceries cost like 50% more.
We’re girding up for similar times – property tax bill is gonna be cuckoo, baby to save for, and inflation generally. Husband got a bonus, thankfully, but property taxes are going to eat pretty much all of it. Sigh. Trying to tighten the belt now so the new year doesn’t feel quite so lean.
This year has been the year where the house and cars just sense every time there is extra money, so I feel you. We had to dip into savings (which I understand that’s why we have them) but it still feels like we are behind this year.
Yup. Dipped into savings for big home projects, several hits to the emergency fund, big tax bills, and now a very expensive last-minute trip for the holidays to see an ill family member.
Meanwhile all the costs of everything have gone up and my company is being very conservative with increases this year to avoid layoffs.
I’m locking down the budget, avoiding eating out except for occasions, and trying to lower big expenses like insurance premiums by shopping around. I’m actually considering some kind of side-hustle, but I have a big job and am concerned it would take away focus and ultimately work against my long term earning potential.
At least there’s no mean tweets!
Best Secret Santa gifts under $25? Person I have is very funny, like kitschy things (bright colors, funny memes), but also is into jewelry and clothes. I got her mochi-shaped earrings, but they won’t arrive in time so I am looking for other ideas!
Check out Kikkerland or Soko.
Kikkerland has a whole bunch of stuff under $25: https://kikkerland.com/collections/gifts-under-25
https://www.uncommongoods.com/product/ceramic-greek-coffee-cup I love this for Secret Santa. I would also stick either a bag of beans or a coffee shop gift card in it. Brought this to a White Elephant and it was a mega hit.
Anthropologie might have something that suits this person
I’m beating a dead horse, conversationally, but I truly do not understand denim styles right now. And I’m not some skinny-jean devotee, but a lot of my old favorites are just plain wearing out and I’m not finding suitable replacements. Can’t I just find some dark denim that actually flatters me and call it a day? I know it’s not fashionable, but trust, light-wash mom jeans on my actual mom bod is NOT a cute look. These days, I’m finding my work pants more pleasant to wear than anything in the denim family.
Who is saying you can only wear light wash? Not me! Not most of us, I don’t think. I’m larger on the bottom than on the top, and it’s been a lifelong practice to never wear my lightest outfit color on the bottom. That’s like “here come my childbearing hips!” I’m a medium to dark wash wearer for life.
The answer to your question is: yes, you can.
Honestly, now that I’m in my late 30s, I feel like I’m kind of fine with just wearing what I like even if it looks “frumpy.” For women in their teens and 20s, looking on-trend comes naturally because it’s just what everyone around you is doing. When it’s this much work, it’s like, eh.
Look at Levi’s and Madewell. They each have so many styles that I think you can find something there. And check Gap, too
Absolutely.
No way in hell I would ever put light-wash mom jeans on my body. And we aren’t meant to.
Wear what flatters you / makes you comfortable. Everything goes now, no matter what the “trends” are.
If you want to try something new, get black jeans in whatever style flatters you.
the big gap i’m trying to fill is a pair of black distressed skinny-straight cropped jeans. hoping these do the trick:
https://www.madewell.com/the-perfect-vintage-jean-in-bartlett-wash-ripped-edition-NG441.html
but i’d buy these if they weren’t sold out (hearing great things about Risen denim though):
https://www.shopsocialthreads.com/collections/risen-jeans/products/risen-black-wash-straight-leg-jeans
but the 70s flare in dark denim is really hot right now
Toy ideas for ages 10-12, especially boys? My service club is doing a toy drive and that’s what the receiving charity has asked for. Any suggestions greatly appreciated.
there are some big book series that might still interest a 10-12 year old but also might skew a little younger
– (harry potter)
– percy jackson / lightning thief series (all rick riordan books are good for this age range tbh)
– star wars / thrawn series (might skew older)
– we always love gordon korman books – Restart, I Want to Go Home – I think my son has enjoyed other recent ones like Linked
(gift cards to local ice cream places or the like?)
not sure these are great for a toy drive as the kids may not have personal computers and devices, but
– Vbucks, Steam, and iTunes gifts
– gift subscription to Spotify
– gaming headset / keyboard / mouse
Nerf guns, LEGO kits, and a smart soccer ball have all been hits with my nephews when they were that age.
Legos. They have age bands for the sets. My son at that age (and honestly at pretty much all ages) was obsessed with Lego.
Agreed, and they come at all price points!
LEGO. The answer is always LEGO.
Yes. Also Nerf guns with extra EXTRA darts
Legos! Legos have several lines that 10-12 year olds would like, along with their classic brick boxes. There’s star wars, super mario, batman, marvel and harry potter to choose from.
Graphic novels are big right now. Amazon or the library would have recommendations for that age range.
Nerf Guns.
Model air plane kits.
Bikes (this is pricey, but if you got your rotary club to pitch in, you could probably gift several bikes). Helmets to go with the bikes would be thoughtful.
Basketballs. Soccer Balls. Footballs.
pop it and sensory or fidget type toys.
Paracord bracelet kits.
Legos
Star Wars legos!
I forgot to add to my previous comment, that is still stuck in mod: action figures
Legos seem juvenile to me for a 10 year old and especially a 12 year old.
You must not be around any 10-12 year olds then. Lego sells the sets by age group. There are very complicated ones.
I know a lot of kids in that age group actually, and most are moving past Legos by 10. I know Lego sells very complicated sets, including ones aimed at adults, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right gift for pre-teens. Tweens and teens are too cool for many things that adults like.
I know 38 year old men who buy legos for themselves, so…
I live with a 40something who does :) They’re basically puzzles.
Thanks, everybody! I should have remembered that yes, the answer IS always Lego!!
I keep picturing the people who receive the fancy holiday corporate gifts some of y’all are posting about sending once you figure out what to send. I wish there was a way to sign up to be a receiver of gifts they don’t want. Some version of “we accept the sentiment and don’t want fancy pears, please send to this other person instead.” I know that’s not a thing, but I don’t work in a field where I’d ever get such things and I know they go to big money people so I’m envious of these fancy pears that get promoted annually and milkbar and whatever else ends up being the gift of the year. (I also super hope those people have interns to enjoy things like this.) At best, I’ve gotten a branded squeeze ball with a random company’s name on it or a chip clip with the phone number of a local dentist or something. I guess my point here, lol, is that I don’t want the high stress of these big law gigs but I’d sure like the gift baskets!
Hope those of you who are going to receive them super enjoy them, they sound awesome and I know you work so hard in your roles!
I was just thinking how I don’t mind the popcorn tins sitting in the kitchen this time of year, but I’d really love to work under a partner who isn’t an ass…sigh! Will send you virtual popcorn, Dr. TO. Speaking of which, do you have a job update yet??
2nd interview is tomorrow and it is so so hard not to get my hopes sky high. <3
That said, it feels good to get my hopes up about a job and not a fella as neither one is guaranteed but landing the job would pay some bills hehe
Also? Now I want some popcorn lol
Ooh, this is the toughest time to keep your hopes and dreams contained, too – right before the nerves kick in. Sending you the very best vibes!
My company does the giving (designer cupcakes). I think people are generally all sweet-ed out when they arrive in the mail.
I worked on the staff side of a company where client-facing people received gifts like this. My friend who was client-facing said, “omg I am so sick of See’s candy!” (we’re in CA) and I was all jealous. The solution, of course, was to just go buy some See’s candy, and then I had See’s candy without having to deal with her a-hole clients. And they were gigantic a-holes. I considered myself better off!
In terms of the pears, they’re the same as grocery store pears, just very ripe. You’re not missing much there!
Go buy yourself some chocolate!
I will never be sick of See’s candy.
Same. I worked at a horribly racist, misogynistic small law firm for about 9 months and it was an incredibly toxic experience but one of the only good things about it was they gave us See’s candy at Christmas. Another good thing was we got free donuts every Friday morning.
You could also buy yourself your own fancy pears!
Looking for something that I am wondering if they are so outdated because I cannot find.
Black leather riding boots (or good fake leather), low heel, either invisible or black zipper or pullon, no tab at the top, no fanciness anywhere (so no buckles or design or anything). Bonus if they come in shorter size because I am short and ones that are too tall hit behind my knees which rubs and hurts to walk or sit.
I had a pair in about 2014 and loved them for winter under dresses, with skinny pants inside them, they worked for so many things! But the fake leather peeled during c0vid and they had to be trashed early this year.
Are these just not a thing anymore? I don’t like owning a lot so multipurpose shoes were great, plus I’m short so booties often cut me weird and don’t fill that gap thus far.
Frye Melissa
I wanted those so bad about 10 yrs ago. Shaft was too high for my short legs. Boo!
I’d also love to hear if anyone has a different suggestion for the shorties (short people, that is)?
I think they make a shorter boot in that profile. Check out the Frye website.
If you have a good shoe repair store, they might be able to shorten the shaft.
Born makes some. I’ve had mine for years. You can filter on zappos by material, heel height and, I think, shaft height.
Also, you’re probably limiting yourself by searching for the term riding boots, which usually come with a strap and buckle at the ankle. Just try searching for tall boots, and filter by heel height.
lLa Cannadienne Passion boot
Justin Ropers.
SW 5050 boot. An absolute classic.
Intern-interviewing advice needed!
I’ll have my first-ever intern in summer 2023 and have my first interview with a candidate tomorrow. (They’ve been screened by HR). Any tips from the wise hive on good questions to ask, flags to look for, etc.?
Our HR provides some loose guidance but most of their materials are more full time employee-focused. For background, my team (in other offices) has had interns previously but this is a new position and will be my first time as a direct manager (hopefully getting an actual FTE direct report next year as well). Our team has had great interns in the past, and I’m nervous about accidentally hiring someone not up to par. It’s a marketing/business analytics type role for a financial services company.
First – check with others on your team about how they’ve interviewed interns in the past. No need to reinvent the wheel.
If that doesn’t work, here’s what I’d do: make three columns on a piece of paper. Envision your ideal intern and come up with the qualities you want them to have – put those in the first column. In the second column, come up with something that would show you that the candidate has those qualities. For example, if you need an intern who is calm under pressure, in the second column you might write “prioritizes work to meet competing deadlines” or “able to shift focus quickly and efficiently.” In the third column you’d write the question you need to ask to get that info. These are usually “tell me about a time when”-type questions.
I always like “tell me about a project/assignment you are proud of” and “tell me about a project/assignment that was particularly difficult and what you learned from it.”
If I say “tell me about a project that didn’t go well” they’re going to spin it into a positive anyway.
I had a guy tell me once about having two things due at the same time and how that wasn’t fair, and I thought “boy would you hate it here” and passed on him, which saved us both a lot of misery.
Interns are often coming to you without a ton of experience, so standard interview questions aren’t always helpful. But you want someone who learns quickly and is motivated. I ask questions about why they chose their school or their major to get some of that information.
I also try to be aware of diversity, because an internship is a foot in the door, and I want to make sure we’re providing opportunity to a diverse group. This comes from working in a white-dude-heavy finance department in a major hospital. I knew the other managers would bring in more of the same, so I looked for the women, people of color, and LGBTQ candidates to round out the pool.
Don’t stress it. If they’re coming from a reputable school, they’re pretty fungible. I like some evidence of a job in the past, if only because there’s the possibility of a tad less handholding being necessary for things like coming to work on time. I give a lot of grace to goofy or outright bad resumes. There is SO much bad advice from career centers. Absent markers of really poor judgement like 420thickd*k6969 @ g mail dot com as an email address on their resume, treat baby-intern resumes as the comedy goldmine they are. In my experience, you can just about pick an intern at random.
Consider thinking about your management style and whether you want to tailor questions around that. For example, when I managed interns, I was really busy, and I’m a hands-off manager anyway. So an intern that’s a good fit for me would be someone who can take instructions on a project and will be really proactive in coming to me with questions or coming to me when they are finished and asking for more work – I’m not going to be very good about checking in with them regularly to ask how things are going or if they have enough to do. So I would ask questions about their communication style, how they balance their workload, what they do when times are slow, etc. Basically questions targeted at whether they would be happy in the role, rather than whether they would do a good job, since internships tend to exist more for the benefit of the intern than of the organization hosting them.
I’ve had good experience asking interns to do a case as part of the interview – for example, explain how they would handle a workshop on a specific topic, or prioritize a list of requirements.
It gives them a chance to explain their thinking, without there being right or wrong answer. It gives you a lot of insight in how they think and operate.
yikes to the price. that may also not work as they have the logo buttons which look like a design element that aren’t going to blend in.