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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Slim Blazer

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This blazer looks so cool, I’m almost too intimidated to talk to it. I do think it would probably be slightly more work-appropriate if the model were wearing, you know, a shirt underneath it, but I just love the cut and the styling with the belt closure.

Favorite Daughter is a relatively new brand, but they have a whole bunch of cool-looking elevated basics like this blazer and this perfectly-tailored tweed skirt.

The blazer is $278 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XS–XL.

A more affordable alternative is by Halogen for $99; this one from Open Edit is available in 1X–3X and is $75.

Sales of note for 3/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off: Free People, AllSaints, AG, and more
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off suiting + 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – $39+ dresses & jumpsuits + up to 50% off everything else
  • J.Crew – 25% off select linen & cashmere + up to 50% off select styles + extra 40% off sale
  • J.Crew Factory – Friends & Family Sale: Extra 15% off your purchase + extra 50% off clearance + 50-60% off spring faves
  • M.M.LaFleur – Flash Sale: Get the Ultimate Jardigan for $198 on sale; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Buy 1 get 1 50% off everything, includes markdowns

Sales of note for 3/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off: Free People, AllSaints, AG, and more
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off suiting + 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – $39+ dresses & jumpsuits + up to 50% off everything else
  • J.Crew – 25% off select linen & cashmere + up to 50% off select styles + extra 40% off sale
  • J.Crew Factory – Friends & Family Sale: Extra 15% off your purchase + extra 50% off clearance + 50-60% off spring faves
  • M.M.LaFleur – Flash Sale: Get the Ultimate Jardigan for $198 on sale; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Buy 1 get 1 50% off everything, includes markdowns

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

341 Comments

  1. I’m back to the office 2 days a week and my elementary aged kid is back in school 5 days a week. The mornings of getting us both ready and out of the house are exhausting. How did we do this every day for years?! How am I going to do this every day for the next decade?! I’ll be required to be back in the office 5 days a week in September.
    Just a rant!

    1. Ugh, it took us awhile and it’s only 1 parent and 1 kid leaving at the moment, so I can stay in my PJs and get them out the door. We had to start waking up earlier since it just wasn’t happening.

    2. I feel like I lost the muscle that allowed me to leave the house in the morning with relatively little fuss. You know: lunch, keys, ID, phone, briefcase, go. I’m forever dawdling or forgetting something. Our kid is graduating from h.s., and it’s still a challenge. I’m glad you have a bit of an on-ramp over the summer …

      1. I think it was easier when I did it every day? Because I wasn’t packing from scratch, and lots of days I didn’t open my work bag between arriving home and leaving the next morning, all I did was take my empty lunch box and used gym clothes out of my gym bag and replace both with fresh/clean equivalents. I also left my computer and most of my work things in the office so I wasn’t packing it all up every day to carry backward and forward. When we start to go back to the office I will be getting duplicate cables, chargers, and so on, so I don’t have to carry anything other than the laptop.

        1. +1. When i had to pack lunches 5 days a week, I just did it as a matter of course. Now I’m constantly remembering at 11 Pm when I’m in bed that I need to pack one.

          When I went in to the office everyday, I just went. now I have the freedom to decide when I’m going in and for how long, and it’s sort of another decision on my plate. Some routine is good.

      2. I drove half way to work the other day, realized I forgot to take all of my morning medications (I have a couple of chronic illnesses in remission due to said medication) and had to drive all the way back to take them and back to the office. It was annoying. Next time I go in, I’m going to bring in a case w/ one pill of each in case I make that mistake again!

    3. Right?

      Like I used to do that with kids I had to wrangle and dress and feed and change and not forget pump parts or bottles. Now, a regular bra is an ordeal.

    4. See, I have figured out the ‘get everyone out the door’, but I’ve apparently lost the ability to figure out lunch as a concept when I’m in the office? We’ve been rotating in a couple days a week and if I do manage to remember food, I go out to my car and eat it because the idea of eating in my office (cubicle land) just seems so… disgusting.

      We aren’t able to use microwaves and apparently all I used to bring was soup? I mean, not only, but like… 90% of my meals were apparently microwaved. I don’t know what it is – I feel like I now have this total mental block as to how to eat lunch in the office.

      1. I am just supporting small businesses and my sanity by buying lunch out and eating on a bench. Something my family hates or that has a million obscure ingredients or a fancy technique that I wouldn’t attempt while also being the lunch lady. Poke bowl? Actual fresh pineapple? I am here for it!

        1. I am also struggling with lunch! I’m on a project site and my options are … Wendy’s and White Castle. Since I don’t want my coworkers to hate me, it’s been Wendy’s on repeat.

        2. I’ve been ordering out under the same rationale. I want to get out of the office. I don’t love eating in the office for the same gross reasons above. We are allowed to use our microwave but it is a whole ordeal. I used it yesterday just fine but the prior two times I went in I went to a local sandwich place I love and treated myself. Propping up the local economy one lazy lunch at a time. As a bonus, I parked by a pond and watched geese swim while I ate from my air conditioned car. It was 95 so I wasn’t eating outside!

    5. This is why my new goal in life is a 100% remote job, or, barring that, one that enables me to be in the office so rarely that we can basically move within minutes of my husband’s work and have him do mornings.

    6. I don’t know how I handled my life before the pandemic. How did I do all that stuff?! I am slowly re-learning things like how to pack for a business trip, how to leave my house with kids, how to have a social calendar, etc.

      1. This – we’re leaving on a short weekend trip, and then a long airplane trip this summer and it’s like I’ve totally forgotten how to pack. I keep staring at my skincare/sunblock like…do I check this all? How many bottles can I decant into my little travel tubes? Where are our pre-check numbers stored and where did my packing cubes even go?!?

    7. Seriously?!?! You people are never happy. First you all are upset because your kids are home all the time and there are no school openings in sight. Now you are upset because they are going back to school and shocker, kids need attention in the mornings to get them ready for school. Just a rant!

      2. I think the issue is getting kids ready for school while also getting yourself ready for work. My kiddo has been in daycare since July, and mornings are about a million times easier than they would be if I had to commute into the office, and my days are easier than back when kiddo was at home all day.

        1. No kidding. If your child’s remote teacher can wake him up & dress him & make breakfast & brush his teeth & log him into a Zoom classroom … I see no reason why that teacher can’t go ahead and check his backpack & prepare his lunch & tie his shoes & wait with him at the school bus stop/give him a ride too!! What, is that teacher lazy or something? Maybe give her some hand sanitizer if she’s really concerned about doing too much … wow.

    8. Honestly I have no idea how I did it! I ended up loving WFH so much more than I imagined, so I decided to switch to a permanent remote role. It’s been amazing so far, though I think my ideal would be 1-2 days a week in office. For this season of life, though, with young kids, it’s perfect.

    9. I am dreading having to do this. Luckily just twice a week, though. Solidarity.

  2. What are your favorite ways to look busy when you don’t have much to do at work. I’ve read a lot of news already today. Can’t wear headphones or and I’m very limited about what websites I visit on my work computer (currently typing this on my phone, but also can’t spend all day scrolling).

    2. Can you organize and/or clean out files on your computer? Maybe write “how-to” documents for tasks you complete. That may come in useful for when you are out of the office or training someone new.

      1. +1

        This is one of the best uses of this free time.

        I also make some amazing check-lists.

    3. Can you ask for a new project or suggest one? Any work-related articles or webinars? Can you clean email and folders?

    5. Can you do things like pay bills or research personal things you need (like I need a new AC, day care, whatever)?

    6. I read almost all the archives of Ask a Manager (this was technically research). Longform.org is also great.

    7. Reading ebooks in a browser on my computer; I usually use the Overdrive app with library books, but you can access your Kindle content in a browser too.

    8. It’s been so long since my team has been anything but running crazy. But one good and productive thing to do is trainings or courses. My employer has a subscription to LinkedIn Learning, and there are lots of additional HR trainings on video. I’d love to work on expanding some of my software skills.

    9. Are there trade journals or industry organizations you can try to write for? Getting yourself published as an expert in your field can only help your career.

    10. What do you do? Do you have to sit there? This is why face time at work is ridiculous (presumably you’re not a first responder or something since you need to look busy). Go network, get a coffee or zoom chat with someone you haven’t talked to in a while and look for a job that doesn’t think productivity comes from sitting in a chair.

      1. I actually am a first responder! There’s a lot more of writing plans, project management, etc that goes into my job than meets the eye and this week I’m between projects and have down time I haven’t had in 1.5 years! I forget how to spend a day at my desk when everything isn’t on fire ha!

        1. Oh lol! In that case just chill and don’t worry about it! Scroll on that phone, read a book, do what you want!

        2. I would find a Project Management course that you can do at your own speed, with the goal of getting your Project Management Certification.

          2. There are a bunch on the PMI website. See if your employer will pay for it.

    12. I just start typing at my desk, w/o even typing anything specific. I often type ASDF JKL; over and over, as I can do that fast. ASDFJKL; and I don’t even have to move my fingers off the fixed keys! Try it. You will sound like you are very busy even if your not!

  3. Good morning. I won a big award and have to do a 40 second intro of myself by video. Any tips? Any little jokes or anything to make it more enjoyable?

    1. Use the Law School video essay from Legally Blonde as your inspiration (but no bikinis)

      1. Do you, by chance, know the recently elected TYLA president? look it up if you don’t!

    2. Congratulations! Jokes are very hard. I’d be sincere and appreciative but confident — not the time to be self deprecating or diminish your success

      1. THis, it’s 40 seconds and you don’t know the audience. Keep it crisp and confident.

    3. Ahh, I just had to do this and it was terrifying. Like the below responses – I just basically said thank you for the honor, I am committed to the organization, and all credit to the people I work with. Over and out!

  4. Can I get some Hawaii recommendations? Looking for a quiet getaway. Specific islands/hotels would be great!

    1. each island is very different. I’ve been to Maui, Hawaii and Kauai – the third was my favorite but i know a few years ago there was a storm that impacted the island and I’m not sure of the impact. We split our time between the St Regis on one side of the island and a Hyatt on the other side thanks to hotel points.

      1. +1 to Kauai and the Gran Hyatt at Poipu Beach. It’s very quiet, luxurious and restful; if you are looking for that type of vacation.

        1. It is the most beautiful hotel I’ve ever stayed in. That lobby with the view – the pool – the gardens. Just wow.

      2. Kauai also, but a shout out to Koa Kea. It’s a smaller resort and quiet (not many kids because it’s more geared towards adults) and the restaurant there is good.

        Kauai is our favourite island and we’ve been back twice, but we liked Maui too for relaxation – in Maui we stayed at the Andaz which also has good restaurants.

        Because I’m obsessed with food: Beach House in Kauai and Mama’s Fish House in Maui are must do’s but if you’re not a foodie feel free to ignore me!

        1. have to respectfully disagree with Mama’s. It’s a tourist trap! Nice restaurants in Lahaina (Kimos/ Fish Co.) serve same fish dishes and charge $30-35/plate as opposed to Mama’s $60 per plate. Same exact food!

      1. Whenever someone mentions Lanai it reminds me of one of the fake cases we litigated in law school. A witness was located on Lanai and I successfully argued that the benefit of deposing the witness didn’t justify the exorbitant cost of traveling there. Obviously this was before Zoom depos.

    5. I’ve only ever been to the Big Island, but we’ve stayed several places on the island and we love it. Planning to go back in October and stay near the North Shore, which is beautiful and quieter than staying in either Kailua-Kona or Hilo. The great thing about the Big Island is nothing is too far away from anything else (we circumnavigated the entire island in a day on our last trip), it’s mostly uninhabited so many places still feel “wild” and away from everything, and there’s tons to do whether you want to just chill or you want to be more active. Our last stay was in the Kona Hawaiian resort and we loved it.

    6. Sunset magazine has a ton of “best of” guides. Recommend you use google to find their recs–their embedded-on-website search is not great.

    7. Just came back from Kauai and it was incredible. We stayed at a condo in Princeville and then the Mariott in Lihue. I wouldn’t stay in Lihue, the other towns on the island are way better.

    8. Kauai at Kiahuna Plantation. It’s condos on a big plot of land so it’s not all inclusive but the condos are nice, you’re never more than a few minutes from the beach, you have pool access at the athletic club across the street, and there’s a shopping area across the street with restaurants. My family has stayed there 5 times, I think, since I was little and we love it. Having our own space that is not a hotel room is incredible, even if we do have to cook.

  5. Any city dwellers have pigeons on your balconies? There’s a pair trying to build a nest on mine. I’ve removed the bench they were trying to hide behind, and put down aluminum foil and a mirror but that doesn’t seem to have deterred them…. They also aren’t scare of me unless I hit something loud (railing with a broom). I’m tired of wiping off their poo and I don’t want baby pigeons out here!

    1. No balcony, but we had pigeons trying to nest on the windowsill under the air conditioner in my husband’s music studio. Fortunately, our kitchen window looks out to that window. I bought a super-soaker type squirt gun, and any time the pigeons started roosting there, we sprayed them with water until they left.

      1. Great idea — I’m going to run out and grab one. How long did you have spray them for?

        1. Not long, usually. Maybe 20-30 seconds? After a few rounds of that over a two-week period, they stopped coming back.

      2. OK, please don’t be ridiculous here. Get a spray bottle with a very light spray, not a freaking super soaker. This is a bird you are talking about. Do not try to harm it.

        1. The window we were shooting from is 20 feet away, so we needed that type of power. I promise we did not harm the pigeons.

        2. I don’t think a super soaker is going to harm a bird, it’s not a high pressure spray. :)

          1. A super soaker IS a high-pressure spray. If you mean a different type of squirt gun that is not, then it’s not a super soaker. I had a childhood friend who had to go to the ER with a severely scratched cornea from a super soaker fight and all the parents in the neighborhood banned that style after that.

          2. “A super soaker IS a high-pressure spray. If you mean a different type of squirt gun that is not, then it’s not a super soaker. I had a childhood friend who had to go to the ER with a severely scratched cornea from a super soaker fight and all the parents in the neighborhood banned that style after that.”

            I’ve read a lot of ridiculous stuff on this site over the years, but this post makes the top ten. Maybe even the top five.

            “OMG not SUUUUUPER SOAAAKERS!!! THE HOOOORRRORR!!!” LOLOLOLOLOL

          3. Man, I really hope you don’t have kids, they would grow up wrapped in bubble wrap.

      3. We have a new place with a balcony that is being renovated that has pigeons. How can we get rid of them b/f we move in? I do not poopie on my balcony or on anything we put out there. It is gross and disgusting and bad for my health. A guy I met in Whole Foods said I should put a stuffed owl out there, but I think that is silly. What is workable about that?

    2. I’m not sure effective they are, but people seem to use fake owls/hawks/etc in an attempt to intimidate them. Apparently the ones that have a swivel head are more effective?

      1. We had a cardinal that was he**-bent on fighting that bird invading its territory (i.e., his own reflection). One of those fake owls did the trick.

      2. Maybe it was just our stubborn Brooklyn pigeons but when I had a pair try to nest on my air conditioner in our apartment after college the fake owl/hawk did nothing. The only thing that worked were those bird spike mat things you see on top of electrical boxes. You can buy them on amazon but my local hardware store had them and would cut them to size for you.

      3. Worked to get rid of our woodpecker. In the fall though, we did attract a few owls!

        1. yes! this! birds keep nesting in my spring wreath on my door and neighbors recommended that they stopped them by getting a tiny rubber snake and hiding it behind the flowers.

      5. We had a nasty mocking jay in our yard that kept attacking one of my dogs. We couldn’t find a nest anywhere or any reason for it to be protective. I am the biggest animal lover in the world yet started looking up ways to cause this bird’s demise due to how much havoc it was wrecking in our yard. Then I learned it is illegal to kill them as they are federally protected.

        I got the plastic owl and that wasn’t helping. Someone told me the owl has to move. Not knowing they sell ones that move, I picked that plastic owl up and ran around my yard like a crazy person chasing the bird, making the owl look like it was flying. I only had to do that once or twice and the thing was gone for good!

        My poor dog though. He’d just be laying in the sun and this thing would swoop down and try to peck him!

        3. Love your interpretation of “moving.” I have a plastic falcon & I move it around my patio by putting it in a new spot every few days — so the birds don’t get used to it/realize it’s not a living creature. (It helps some but it’s not perfect.)

          1. I had tried that and it didn’t work. I was desperate!

            The bird probably left because it was afraid of the crazy lady more than the owl but whatever worked!

    3. We hired a company to put netting up to keep them out. Works for our architecture. Definitely stop it or you will have pet pigeons – hired the company after a couple made our place it’s home. They got evicted and still came back every day trying to get in for weeks despite being moved to a park.

    4. Some of the buildings around me have little spikes installed on flat surfaces that pigeons otherwise like to hang out on.

    5. I have an iron gate and birds would perch and poop on it. I coated it with a thin layer of Vaseline and the problem went away. I had tried all the hone remedy sprays of vinegar, peppermint oil, etc but they didn’t work as well as the Vaseline.

    7. OK, I’ve actually won this battle. So much pigeon sex was happening on my balcony that they would not stop when I went out there. The trick wasn’t just to wipe off the poop, but to use a bird cage cleaner (I used poop-off bird poop remover, the one with the scrub brush) on the entire surface. Every bit of detritus needs to be off. Then I put up the plastic owl. After that, all was well.

  6. Good morning. I’ve had a really crazy year. I’ve lost a loved one, had a new baby, and suffered a giant, and very public, professional setback. Oh and I’m moving. Plus, my job / industry has been altered by covid in ways that make my experience and skills less relevant and my day to day a total slog. I know this board is very pro therapy and I think I could benefit from that. But also I need some concrete redirection. I’m not sure what I want my life to look like going forward, especially professionally. The 2019 version of my life is gone, but I’m not sure where I go from here. For the first time ever, I just can’t picture what I want my life to look like, and it’s a little scary. Do I need a life coach? A career coach? Something else?

    1. A coach probably wouldn’t hurt. And I love a good self-help book and if you do too, I would recommend Life is in the Transitions by Bruce Feiler and the Designing Your Life books by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans.

    2. Ahead of coaches, get yourself a copy of Leap Year by Helen Russell. I found it a really helpful text for direction-finding.

    3. i think therapy is a good start. there are actually some therapists who have experience with career transitions. i work at a university career center and a number of my former colleagues had counseling degrees and left to pursue careers as therapists. a book suggestion is Designing Your Life. that’s a lot all for one year. hang in there

    4. You need someone to talk to. Could be any of those things. Ultimately I found therapy the best because there’s a way of unlocking more of your motivations in therapy than I think an uncertified and untrained life coach would. But just talking through your own issues, out loud, with someone else helps you focus on what you want for your next chapter. I know it sounds scary but you have a remarkable opportunity to do something new that excites you.

    5. Lots of people diss life coaches but I worked w/ a friend who is a life coach and working with her was the most valuable thing I did to figure out some career stuff.

    6. I don’t have any recommendations, but I wanted to say that I’ve been feeling the same way. It’s been a little hard to see what feels like everyone else’s lives get back to normal, while I’m having to create a new path forwards. Your post was a good reminder that a lot of people (maybe most people!) are in a similar boat.

    8. I would recommend a Life Coach. You want one who has a breadth of knowledge of many different industries and an ability to help you find a new niche. Check with friends and professional contacts for recommendations or if you have an HR department, ask them. You may also find a coach who is doing practice hours for certification and get a low-price option to combine with therapy. Most coaching is virtual (was getting that way even before covid) so it is convenient.

      1. Thanks – good to know. I’m not interested in a virtual coach- or virtual anything- too much of my life is computer-based as it is!

  7. My office just sent out an invite for an in person inside maskless attorneys cocktail hour. Cannot think of a thing I’ve missed less than drinking bad wine with people I barely tolerate. It’s a nope nope nope from me.

    1. i’m so not even close to ready for that. how are offices dealing with people who either are immunocompromised or live with someone who is – like the people who are vaccinated, but for whom the vaccine might not work. if someone at your office who is vaccinated chooses to still wear a mask are they being ostracized? i work in a role where i come into close contact (like sit less than 3 feet away) from individuals outside our team and i don’t know if they are vaccinated or not. we no longer have masks required in the office, but i would like to wear one as i am extremely uncomfortable being that close to a stranger unmasked.

      1. No one is ostracized or required to come to work in person at all or to this event. I just think it’s not fun sounding.

        1. In practice, this event will necessarily be exclusionary and increase the divide between people who don’t care about masking and those who do. People who show up will be labeled as team players and will get the benefits of casual interaction, which are currently unavailable to the cautious.

          1. Yes. That’s why I’m complaining about it? But no one is being ostracized which was the question I was answering. I am not attending this!

            Can’t win around here some days.

          2. What do you want them to do? Eventually these events have to start back up again (or at least, they get to decide whether they are important and they obviously have decided that they are) and now seems like a fine time. They can’t just forever not have them given this concern. Vaccines are totally available and are working.

      2. I will tell you right now that offices do not have immunocompromised people on their radars and they do not intend to. There was a good op ed in the New York Times yesterday written by an immunocompromised person and she spoke about how we have learned that the world can be more inclusive and caring. We have also learned that people don’t want to be anymore. It leaves a lot of us behind.

        1. Can I ask at what point you think people should return to doing things like this? Because even if the vaccine doesn’t work for you, at this point, our numbers where I am are so low that you’d almost have to go looking for someone with Covid. So I do sympathize for sure but I just wonder at what metric you will be comfortable with things like this.

          1. Where are you that community spread is that low and the vaccination rate is that high? At the very least, we need to wait until children have been vaccinated.

          2. At higher than 40% of the population being vaccinated – which is very soon! I also want to see enforcement of vaccine requirements and no honor system (in lieu of that, I want masking in grocery stores). I REALLY don’t think it’s too much to ask.

          3. you sound lovely. my doctor has told me that at this point i should not attend unmasked events. i was hoping that maybe covid and the increased focus on DEI, would include thinking about ableism and those of us with either physical disabilities or hidden illnesses and a bit more compassion.

          4. I’m trying to have a practical conversation about this, so thanks for saying I sound lovely.

            So are you saying that no workplace should have any entirely optional events until each person’s individual doctor has cleared them to come? I mean, the vaccination of children point makes more sense (though I and the CDC disagree) because it is a measurable event about which your employer would know.

          5. @BBB – I have an autoimmune condition but am not on immunosuppressants. I believe the vaccine most likely worked for me but my condition is still being studied to see if the lack of vaccine response in many with the disease is due to their treatments (immunosuppressants) or the disease itself. If it is the former, I’m all set, if it is the latter, I have to worry.

            I have been comfortable slowly returning to things. I go unmasked around vaccinated people. I’ve even eaten out in non-crowded restaurants a few times. I haven’t raised my potential issue at work.

            However, my boss knows of my condition and wants to keep mask wearing in public areas in the office a rule if we are not going to require vaccination, mostly to protect me. I am blown away that he cares. Turns out my whole office is getting vaccinated anyway (people have been excited and bragging about it, so I don’t think they are lying to avoid masks) so it shouldn’t be necessary in the long run.

            To answer your question though, there are a ton of people that are immunocompromised and this is all being studied rapidly. I think it is perfectly reasonable for employers to keep up precautions where easily feasible (like masks in common areas) and to not have optional large unmasked events like happy hour, until such studies have better data. That should be under 6 months.

            I also think COVID is so new and we are learning about it as we go that a 100% reopening is a bad idea. I think we should reopen gradually so if we find out something isn’t/doesn’t work, we haven’t let all of the horses out of the barn.

            I also think inclusion is important and we shouldn’t just make accommodations that exclude our immunocompromised colleagues.

          6. The vast majority of the country is at 40% or less fully vaccinated. The CDC recommends 70%+ for herd immunity. So we’re not close but can get there. You should look up the word empathy, it’s a nice thing to have.

          7. It would have helped if all of the vaccine trials hadn’t specifically excluded autoimmune and immune compromised patients. It would have been incredibly helpful to have run concomitant efficacy trials. Instead the trials studying efficacy in this patient population started recruiting last month. So we’re still waiting to know if the vaccine works for us. There has been some bad news in smaller studies depending on the exact condition and medications, though also some good signs. But we don’t have the data we need to make decisions yet.

            I’m not sure that people who don’t have autoimmune conditions understand how little research funding this category of conditions gets as a whole. The stats I’ve seen are that 8% of Americans have an autoimmune condition, but about 80% of these patients are women. The US doesn’t have a specialty for autoimmune conditions, unless you count rheumatology (which, like gynecology, is an underpaid and underappreciated specialty, but it’s irrelevant to many autoimmune conditions that aren’t rheumatological). Many patients are ill for 5-9 years before finally being diagnosed, and it’s routine for symptoms of autoimmune conditions to be misdiagnosed as psychiatric. There’s a larger context of gendered inequity surrounding immune deficiency, autoimmunity, and immune suppression both within medicine and the broader community (where people with immune deficiencies were getting publicly harassed for wearing masks long before this pandemic started).

            Anyway, better late than never, and I (and my doctors) are waiting for the same kind of data on vaccine efficacy as exists for the public at large to come out for autoimmune and immune compromised patients.

          8. I attend stuff like this already. I am fully vaccinated. Almost 70% of adults in my state have received at least 1 dose of the vaccine. While that doesn’t get you 90% immunity, it gives you some level of protection in the population at large. Also the positivity rate in my area is between 1-2%. I enjoy the opportunity to socialize with people and build new relationships after living essentially alone for most of COVID and only talking to my close friends.

            As a genuine question to those of you who are immunocompromised, how did you function pre-COVID? Do you anticipate that that will change in a post-COVID post-vaccine world? Why does the risk of COVID impact the immunocompromised more than the risk of the flu or a cold, for example? Just looking for more understanding here since I know very little about being immunocompromised.

          9. @11:59 – I am the one that is not on immunosuppressants but has an autoimmune condition.

            How I functioned before – when I got sick, I got very sick. What would be a cold or sinus infection for a “normal” person usually turned into bronchitis for me. I always got a flu shot and had not heard concerns about that not working for me.

            COVID concerned me because of how much more serious it was for many people. If I have to go on steroids and inhalers for the common cold, what would COVID do to me? To me the risk was much more serious than the other issues I encountered in the past.

            Pre-Covid, I would actively avoid colleagues that I knew were sick. I get it, I’m an attorney too and I’ve had to try a case with bronchitis. But if I knew multiple sick people were on my floor, I’d work from home for a couple of days. Again, the risk of getting sick, to me, wasn’t as serious as the risk of COVID.

            My plans post-COVID depend in part on what the research says. My hope is that enough people get vaccinated that we have heard immunity and that my chance of catching it will be much smaller than it was earlier this year. I’m also going to keep using lots of hand sanitizer and masking at doctor’s offices etc.

            I’m actually also concerned that all the precautions I’ve taken could have lowered my immune system to things like the common cold so I am concerned about how sick I will be when we all return to the office full time but that’s just something I am going to have to experience instead of prevent. Kind of like how you know your kid will get sick their first year of daycare.

          10. “As a genuine question to those of you who are immunocompromised, how did you function pre-COVID? Do you anticipate that that will change in a post-COVID post-vaccine world? Why does the risk of COVID impact the immunocompromised more than the risk of the flu or a cold, for example? Just looking for more understanding here since I know very little about being immunocompromised.”

            I have the same questions and would appreciate hearing answers to them.

            I have been reading here for over a decade, as long as some of the people claiming to be immunocompromised claim to have been posting here. I don’t remember the repeated posts admonishing people for going to happy hours or taking vacations in pre-Covid times, even when the flu got really bad in 2016/2017. Transparently, I sometimes feel that this board has been taken over by people pushing a very specific, focused, intensely-personal agenda, and I don’t know if this is the place for that. I think asking people to stop talking about things they do just because you can’t do them is both unreasonable, and narcissistic. Due to asthma, joint problems and a heart condition I have not been, and can never be, a runner, but I wouldn’t ask the people here who really enjoy running and want to talk to other runners to stop posting about it. I just skip over those posts when I see them. I would like to understand where some of the posters who continually call out or attempt to shame people using their immuncompromised status as a cudgel are coming from.

          11. I appreciate this discussion.

            I have a family member who is severely immunocompromised. He will likely not get much benefit from the COVID vaccine, and there isn’t any sign so far that he responded to it.

            Before COVID, we religiously kept up on vaccinations, got immunoglobulin replacement treatments monthly (which have a lot of side effects…) and got sick a lot. We were very careful with frequent hand washing and wiped down everything well with sanitizing wipes after coming from any doctor’s office/therapy/gym etc…

            This year of quarantine has shown us that masks are fantastic, and once my family member has had a booster vaccine and more of the country is more vaccinated (???when??? even his Immunologist isn’t sure) he will leave the house occasionally and will always wear a mask. Always. Masks do an amazing job. Not just for COVID but for so many other communicable diseases.

            A close friend is a pediatrician and a large suburban setting. This year she didn’t have a single case of the flu or RSV (many parents know this virus…. common for causing illness in babies and sometimes very severe) – not a single case – in her entire clinic. Not a single doctor had any of their children with these. This is mind blowing.

            Kids, and even very young ones, can often do incredibly well with masking and learning about hand washing. If only our adults could learn such simple skills!

          12. Anon at 12:19, try empathy. Don’t try to shame immunocompromised people for asking for understanding and help during an unprecedented global pandemic. Just don’t. It’s a terrible look.

          13. The 2016/2017 flu epidemic had nothing on COVID.

            It has always been rude and selfish for people to go to work sick, get on airplanes sick, etc. The issue here is that there are vast numbers of people who are contagious with COVID but don’t know it (or know it but don’t care, like the parents in our school district who refuse to have their kids tested) who are out and about breathing their germs onto other people. It’s not too much to ask that unmasked public gatherings be put off until there aren’t so many of these people out there.

          14. @12:19 — I’m not immunocompromised, but my young kids can’t get vaccinated. It’s disturbing to me that so many people have just decided the pandemic is over just because they got their vaccine. There is such a stunning lack of empathy in our country right now, and it’s really sad to see. I think a reasonable approach to the in-between stage we’re in right now would be for vaccinated people to take more liberties (if they must) but for us to collectively wait until truly everyone has a meaningful chance to get vaccinated, including children under the age of 12. We’ve spent 14 months in masks, I think we can stand to spend another 4-6 months making some accommodations for others while we vaccinated more people, such as wearing masks indoors or at least recognizing that there are a lot of people who will be excluded from comfortably participating if you don’t. Maybe enjoying the knowledge that, from a global perspective, you are one of the very few fortunate ones who has been vaccinated and won’t die from this terrible virus that is still taking lives across the globe and is still not completely understood could be enough for you rather than being impatient that the rest of us aren’t as fortunate as you are.

          16. “Anon at 12:19, try empathy. Don’t try to shame immunocompromised people for asking for understanding and help during an unprecedented global pandemic. Just don’t. It’s a terrible look.”

            Turning every.single.discussion about normal life activities that people want to participate in into an opportunity to climb on a soapbox and beat the same tired drum about “everyone should stay home/wear masks/stop socializing until conditions are appropriate for me to emerge back into society” isn’t a great look either, if we’re giving honest feedback to each other. We passed the point where people were “asking for understanding and help” a long time ago and have now long been at a point where people are asking for unreasonable considerations and concessions to their vaguely-described health problems from people who have already done a lot – including getting vaccinated at the earliest opportunity – to “help people.”

            Anon at 1:27 has it correct and it’s something I have had to accept myself, as someone who was hoping we would get enough people vaccinated to get to herd immunity and would keep masking longer: it’s not going to happen, and we all need to accept the reality of what is instead of screaming at people that they need to be different (because that has not worked AT ALL). The majority of people in this country want to move forward with their normal lives. You and me, and others can cry and scream and tantrum all you want to, or try to shame people here (which is probably the least appropriate place to focus your ire, as almost everyone here was pro-mask and pro-vaxx) and it won’t change anything. You’re not asking for help, you’re asking for someone to come along and alter reality to suit you. Let me know how that works out for you; it’s never ever happened for me.

          17. @2:31pm — maskless events that don’t require proof of vaccination encourage unvaccinated people to lie about their status and reduce the social pressure to wear masks. And while unvaccinated people are VERY unlikely to pass COVID on, it’s not impossible. So while I’m not personally worried about vaccinated people near my kids, I do think we’d all be better off if we waited until we reached higher vaccination thresholds.

          18. I’m so late to this party that no one will ever see this but I think there is another business point that needs raising– employee retention. As businesses return to normal, there is crazy hiring/recruiting/poaching going on, espescially among associates at law firms. Other firms will pay more and give signing bonuses- the only thing that keeps them here is liking the office culture and the connections people have with each other. As stewards of the business, we have to nurture and rebuild these connections. Otherwise, if you don’t give people a cultural and personal reason to stay, you will lose talent.

            This may not be preferred by some posters, but this is a reality that has to be acknowledged. Those in leadership have to balance the needs of everyone– including the population of immuno compromised people as well as everyone else. Right now, those businesses losing the quest for talent will be poorly off indeed by the time the more reticent among us are ready to start socializing.

            Keep it optional, but make it available so that company culture and connections can rebuild and we can maintain our teams and businesses.

      3. i’m the anon at 9:32. i am not suggesting that these events never start again, nor am i suggesting that vaccines don’t work. however, there is a large subset of people for who they don’t work. https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2021/05/18/immunocompromised-coronavirus-vaccines-response/
        i realize our society cannot live in lockdown forever, but to me there is a lot of wiggle room between everyone working remotely and unmasked cocktail parties with strangers

          1. depending on the size of the office, some could be strangers. if you work in a large office, it is highly likely you know every single person

          2. Strangers versus colleagues seems like a weird point to make. You don’t truly know their vaccination status regardless.

        2. May feels early to me given the still not over state of the pandemic, but that’s because I live somewhere cautious and no one is going back to work until the fall. It might feel weird then, too. But at some point life will go on and maybe where OP is, it’s at that point.

        3. What/when do you think that point is? We are starting to have these conversations and I am trying to be sensitive and inclusive so would appreciate some concrete talking points on when is an appropriate time to restart this type of stuff. Saying “not yet” isn’t really helpful and is going to get ignored. If someone has a good metric/objective point when you think it would be ok to restart this type of stuff, please share!

          1. People say not yet because as I said above, this is all new and changing rapidly. If all of a sudden there were only 10 COVID cases per day then hey, let’s 100% re-open even if we previously had said we need 6 months. One of my metrics is time for research on vaccine efficacy in the immunocompromised and others. I suspect that’s about 6 months. We also don’t know how the vaccines are going to respond to variants and when and how many boosters we will need.

            So, I say open things in steps. Return to the office for a month or two before adding in meetings in conference rooms or happy hours. If things look good and no one has gotten sick, then add on the next thing, like sitting in a conference room without a mask spaced a bit apart.

            I kind of see it like an elimination diet. You add things back one at a time to see if you react. I think returning to normal should be done in the same fashion.

          2. How about when we are closer to herd immunity?!?! We’re at 40% fully vaccinated in the US as of 5/24. It’s a little insane that the science says that we won’t reach herd immunity for Covid until at least 70% of a population is protected. There is NO community in the world at this level yet.
            Maybe it’s not 70%+, but 50%? 60%? Not 40%. . .

          3. I’m seeing a lot of pushback to holding off on returning to work or doing these type of events (especially if voluntary) because we know/assume most employees are vaccinated (people have volunteered/celebrated their status and our office has lots of resources to help people find vaccines, which have been used a lot so the assumption is if someone has used a resource to sign up for a vaccine that they actually got one). We have lots of people who really want to return to these type of events and thus far have made clear they are entirely optional. If we Added a requirement that you either show you’re fully vaccinated or a negative covid test would that make you feel better about attending (or not excluded from optional events)?

          4. Providing those objective metrics is what the CDC should be doing, instead of just telling vaccinated people to throw away their masks.

          5. If offices insist on having these events, they should AT LEAST require proof of vaccination so immunocompromised colleagues can have a semi-safe option to attend. Without that proof, you are excluding those colleagues due to their health status and it is wrong and harmful.

          6. @11:45 YES. I’m one of the ones posting w/ an autoimmune condition and I’m perfectly comfortable in a room of all vaccinated people.

          7. I have an autoimmune disease (RA) and take an immunosuppressant. Fortunately I had a robust response to the second shot which my doctor and I take as a good sign. Pre-vaccine, I was pretty sure that if I got covid I would die. I was one of those people who didn’t really leave her house. I didn’t set foot into a grocery store for over a year. Thank goddess for delivery services.

            I am not counting on society lagging to reopen in order to protect me. The scientific community has basically given up on achieving herd immunity in the US due to ridiculous levels of resistance to getting the vaccine.

            So there is no magic point we have to wait for. It’s not happening. We have to protect ourselves, just as we did for the flu and for other illnesses. No degree of empathy from the vaccinated community is going to change that. A vaccinated person wearing a mask doesn’t protect us, because they are not the risk to us.

            We have to accept reality – the world is going to move forward and not center itself around us. It’s done. The mask mandates are ending and we have to figure out how to live in the new world.

    2. I’m the opposite – I really miss BS-ing with my colleagues and generally miss seeing them on a day-to-day basis. I don’t drink, but if my law department had one of these, I would be the first in line to attend.

      2. Yeah, I am really missing casual interactions with my coworkers. I especially miss interacting with the people that I don’t necessarily work with directly, but who are nice to chat with in the halls, and maybe I learn something useful for work along the way.

        I think my office will be VERY flexible about teleworking, and I’m sad that it looks like my options will be sit alone all day in my apartment or sit alone all day at my office. I’m sure this will get a lot of snarky responses about how my colleagues aren’t supposed to provide my social life and the office is for work blah blah blah. My office isn’t/wasn’t my whole social life, but I am fortunate to have really excellent coworkers, so I think it’s reasonable to be sad about missing them. And I think a large amount of casual brainstorming that just doesn’t happen in a Zoom meeting will be lost if most people remain remote.

        1. I feel the same way – 100%. I had a conversation about this with some close girlfriends yesterday and we are a bit all over the map in terms of what we like (wfh vs. office vs. hybrid) – I pointed out that I would be very sad if the majority of office decided to permanently wfh. I’m also moving into a new position in July and I want to get to know my new group in-person (my boss and paralegal and a number of other teams I will be supporting are local to me).

          Don’t get me wrong, I support options and flexibility for people, but I will be sad.

        2. +1. I like my office and I like my coworkers, and I especially like not working at home.

      3. Same. I have no desire to go back to the office other than to see people. If there isn’t something like this on the calendar, I’m not coming in

      4. You know you can “see people” by visiting with your friends, family, neighbors, etc, right? There’s no need to create coworker meetups where others will be uncomfortable just so you personally can have the pleasure of “seeing people.”

        2. Well, I guess there no reasons to do anything because “some people” might be “uncomfortable.”

          Seeing colleagues casually at work is a lot different than setting up a meeting. I work in a field where we are supposed to think about pushing it forward, and it happens a lot more easily when you bounce ideas off people in person rather than setting up a Zoom meeting: New Ideas.

          My job was not intended to be 100% telework. Flexible telework is fine, but there is a lot that will be lost, including training opportunities, if telework becomes close to 100%.

          1. Right? I hope some of these people don’t go to social events, just because it will be so uncomfortable for everyone.

          2. Good. Stop holding people hostage & get a life outside of work. If the only audience you have is the one forced to tolerate you because of your working relationship, you must be otherwise intolerable.

        4. Did you know that you can visit with friends, family and neighbors and still desire to see your co-workers? When people say they miss seeing people, it’s a weird take for you to assume they are not seeing anyone. It’s pretty clear people mean they miss seeing their coworkers, who are people. I don’t know why you assume they aren’t otherwise socializing. I socialize plenty now that I’m fully vaccinated. I would still like to see my co-workers whose company I also enjoy and haven’t seen in over a year.

        5. You know that if you’re uncomfortable going to events, you don’t have to go, right?

          1. A lot of people work in places that more or less guilt-trip us into doing “optional” socializing. Until that shit is truly voluntary, I agree with @12:01.

        6. Oh big eyeroll at you anon @ 12:01. Yes, I do those things as well, but you know what none of those people want to talk about – my work BS. There are different groups of people in my life which serve different functions, if you can’t understand that, I don’t know how to help you.

          And by the way, never in any of my posts did I say anything about making presence in an office required. In fact, I specifically said I supported flexible work options for people – I also speeak up vocally at work to ensure that managers and leaders know employees support having flexible work options. What I said was that I would be sad if I didn’t get to see my coworkers in person. Get over yourself.

          1. Yes, I’m one of the introverts who wants a full time 100% remote job and really doesn’t miss the office, but I agree that there’s a place for opt-in work socializing (especially if people are discussing things people actually have in common in their field). For me conferences are enough for this, but it’s not the same as socializing with other people in my life.

      5. My department (medium sized group at a big law firm) recently did this, and honestly it was fun! It was obviously was purely optional, but I think everyone who went was happy they did.

        FWIW, plenty of people did not come and no one cared.

      6. I miss social interactions so much. I have been having outdoor lunch or coffee with old friends very recently (1 month post my second shot) and it’s been lovely. I didn’t do it at all during the pandemic. All my friends are now fully vaccinated – in fact, I took over finding appointments for everyone because I missed them so much! Yes, I was that bossy Pfizer-pushing Ho.

        If the law firm reception were at my office, I’d go if it was held outdoors. And I’d be happy to be there.

      7. Me too. I 100% understand why people prefer working from home and I support more flexibility everywhere to allow people to do that but I hate working from home and this is one of the reasons why.

        1. Some of the folks here who cannot stand the idea of going back to the office or having to mingle with coworkers or go to work social events need to get full-time, permanently remote jobs. And I say that as someone who did exactly that because I am an introvert and don’t want to work in an office any more. I love working from home, but knew my old job was going to require us to go back to work in an office. So rather than complaining, or insisting that the company change to suit me, I got a new job. I work for a company with a completely distributed workforce and it’s great! No work happy hours! No forced water-cooler chitchat! I’m in heaven! Considering how much time some folks spend posting here, I can’t imagine they don’t have time in their day to job-search, and a lot of companies are hiring fully-remote workers. I highly recommend permanent remote work for those who hate office socializing.

  8. Any career/job advice for a social science researcher looking to earn more money? I don’t think my non-profit salary is going to cut it as I look towards buying a home and starting a family. I have a master’s degree and 5 years of experience working in non-profits. I have skills in both quantitative and qualitative research and analysis, although my quant skills are not strong enough for data scientist type positions. I’d like to be making at least $75,000 – $80,000.

    Are there specific job titles, industries, or companies I should explore? Or a specific skill I should learn to increase my earning power?

    1. do you like the quantitative research aspects? if so, i’d beef up those skills. i know someone who recently graduated with a graduate degree in political science and is working in a data analytics role at a for-profit company

    2. Check out smaller, more nimble social sciences consulting companies. I work at one and have a similar skill set as you and my baseline salary is in the 80s with good bonus potential. We only have 20 people and the salaries are a lot higher than they were when I worked at a much larger, more well-known company.

    3. I am a social science researcher at a nonprofit. The salary you seek is for a midlevel PhD position. Our senior master’s level positions pay less than $60K. Your best bet is to beef up your quantitative skills and go to the private sector.

        1. The advice to beef up her quantitative skills is on point since she doesn’t seem to have explored this path.

      2. It depends on the company. I am masters level with minimal quantitative skills and my salary is in the 80s. I posted above.

          1. Oh yeah, I am, but we are a benefit corporation and we only have public-sector contracts so we’re not quite the same as some of the other for-profit companies I interviewed at.

      3. I think this is right. Go to the private sector and offer your services. Make sure to bring a calculator, b/c that will show you have quantitatve skills. Rosa did this in college and she did not know how to use this but she managed to find Ed to help her, and he wound up marrying her.

    4. I work for a firm that hires many social scientists with master’s and PhDs. If you want to stay in your current field your options might be more limited, but if you’re willing to move away from whatever your degree is in and emphasize critical thinking, writing, etc. more generally your options will expand. At least in DC, many of the smaller consulting firms will hire people with that background. (The bigger ones could as well, I’m just less familiar with them.)

    5. I moved from public health to the healthcare tech industry. I started out in a research-y role then quickly transitioned to product, product management, then (a decade plus later) ended up being an SVP making 300k.

      I would say just get your foot in the door in a private company that is vaguely aligned with the work you do and go from there. In non-Silicone valley healthcare tech starting salaries for people just out of undergrad are north of 60k, product managers are easily north of 130k.

    6. State level government. What kind of nonprofit? Is there an analogous state agency you could pursue? What about a contractor that works for government agencies?

      Lots of positions are grant funded but there are also quite a few positions which are long term permanent government employees. So much of our funding is now performance based that there’s high demand for people who are able to do program evaluation.

      Alternately – if you like data – health care or business analytics.

      1. Different anon here, but want to second state government and/or universities. The salaries might not be quite as high as you want, but most of them also have good retirement benefits. Most states are phasing out pensions, but still contribute 5-8% of salary to retirement and have decent insurance, which could get you close to that salary range if you factor that in. More likely to have jobs in lower COL areas than for profits, if that matters.

        1. Do state governments give raises, though? I hear all sorts of horror stories about salary freezes, bans on attendance at out-of-state conferences, etc.

          1. Yes, they do. The majority of my friends work in SG, and they get raises and promotions and travel to conferences.

          2. In my state, no raises last year, looking like 3% this year. Definitely a path for stability, not huge raises over time, that’s the negative. The only way to get big increases is to advance and not entirely clear what the path upward would be in that career. But 75k in a MCOL and a job I liked would be fine with me, especially with a spouse that made the same.

    7. Maybe check out government? I work for state government and right out of grad school was making ~$65 and at 5 years out was at $75k.

  9. Anyone else mourning the loss of work travel? One of my major clients officially decided that remote meetings, depos, and hearings will be the default going forward, and though I knew this was likely coming, I am bummed about this. Work travel was sometimes a pain, but sitting at my desk all day every day is worse. We’ll see how long this sticks (I don’t know if courts will stick with remote hearings, and I don’t think you can be remote for all depos, especially if the other parties are in person), but this is not helping my burnout at all (I took a real vacation, that didn’t help nearly as much as it should have)

    1. YES. I used to travel 4-5 days a week, and now down to zero. I don’t know if we’ll ever go back to the old model, which is also increasing my burnout as you say.

    2. I LOVED work travel. Loved it. And I loved all the flier miles that came with it because I didn’t pay for plane tickets for my vacations.

    3. No, the opposite. I hope that most things are virtual in the future. I never really minded work travel (as a DINK with few real responsibilities), but I learned more about how much carbon cross-country flights produce. I can no longer in good conscience fly to one-day meetings that could easily be on Zoom. Certain things in my industry, like site visits, will need to be in-person, but we could eliminate roughly 70% of our work travel in favor of virtual with no real negative impact, but a very positive environmental impact.

      1. +1 I always found work travel pretty unethical in regards to carbon costs. It’s just not worth it when most things can be done virtually

    4. Oh definitely! I miss going new places and being able to expense pretty much all of it and racking up the flight and car rental miles. I am hoping it comes back, even if in a really reduced form of maybe once every quarter.

    5. Yes. I’ll miss in person conferences and hearings. I know that not everyone is missing them but I’m really sad. Also kind of annoyed that the hates-to-appear-in person-crowd could be doing any other white collar job remotely but instead decided to use a pandemic as an excuse to make everything a desk-only job.

    6. I miss it so much. I loved popping into new offices and meeting new people, trying out restaurants in new cities, sleeping in hotels, killing time at airport bars. And racking up miles and hotel points. Doing meetings by Zoom just doesn’t cut it.

    7. Nope. I love to travel but I despise work travel. It’s often last minute and always when I’m incredibly busy and cannot afford lost time dealing with flights and car rentals. Clients and partners always seem to NEED to talk to me while I’m traveling and are totally unreasonable when I say things like, no I am not available for a lengthy call half an hour before my flight takes off (they’ve never heard of boarding, apparently), or during the flight, or at the time the plane is supposed to land. It’s also annoying that I don’t have time to even take an afternoon to enjoy the place I’m visiting. But despite the fact that I didn’t do anything but work, everyone treats work travel like it was a vacation, so they try to pile on even more work when I get back. And if I push back they’re like whaaa?? but you just had so much free time that you got to take those 19 depositions in 3 countries across 8 different time zones, whatever do you mean you’re not so grateful for the sweet vacation we just paid for that you’re not willing to work 100 hour billable weeks to make it up to us. Doubly so if I’m traveling for a conference as opposed to something billable. The amount of anger I deal with because I’m physically out of the office is unreal. Maybe it’ll improve after Covid but I’m not optimistic.

    8. Work travel is such a grind but it’s also good to change up the days and I miss it for that reason. I traveled enough to make United 1K (with domestic travel only, which is a lot of travel) every year since 2012 so to have it come to a grinding halt all of a sudden was a huge adjustment. Now I have 900,000+ miles and nowhere to go.

    9. Yes, absolutely. I only traveled once every other month or so and really enjoyed it.

      1. Yes – this was me, too, and I loved it. When I had a year where I traveled a lot more, it got to be kind of a drag (esp because my husband also traveled a lot for work that year, and there were a few months where we didn’t overlap much). But that 6-7x/year cadence was great and I miss it enough that I will be looking for that if I end up looking for a new job. (I otherwise LOVE my current job, though, so not making a change just for this reason…)

  10. The rise in anti-Semitic attacks here in the U.S. and in Europe in the last few weeks is so incredibly disturbing and troubling. Violent attacks and hate speech are both escalating, but I see relatively little attention being paid – not a peep from any of my friends. It makes me really upset that all year long we’ve been parsing the subtle racism of white people doing yoga or the unintentional harm done by a black square on Instagram, but when Jewish people are viciously attacked on the street, it’s basically crickets or severe downplaying of the racism they experience. There’s also this whole charade of pretending that it’s just hard-right extremists/white supremacists practicing anti-Semitism when in reality, the American and European left have both tolerated (or in some cases, encouraged) anti-Semitism within their parties.

    We cannot and should not be silent about this. I’m making a commitment now to not vote for or support any party, Democrat or Republican or other, that promotes or tolerates anti-Semitism. Anti-Semitic jerks will still exist, but I’m not giving a dime to any institution that tolerates those people instead of repudiating them.

    2. agree. it shouldn’t matter if you support israel or palestine or whomever, it is just as bad as attacking asian people or any other minority for the sole reason that they are part of that group.

    5. Your snark and sarcasm about the reactions to very real discriminatory actions involving various groups will not persuade anyone to pay more attention to anti-Semitism. Targeting any group because of the characteristics of the group should called out. The path forward does not seem to be belittling responses to other discriminatory acts.

      1. It was neither snark nor sarcasm. It was pointing out the real double standard. We cannot on the one hand insist that microaggressions in the form of insincere black squares are doing untold harm, but argue that “it’s not anti-Semitism, it’s anti-Zionism” when Jews are physically attacked and told that Hitler was right.

        FWIW, I personally didn’t care for the black square phenomenon specifically, but the solidarity we had nationwide at that time was really positive and important. We do not have that now. That was my point.

      2. +1 I am concerned with the rise of anti-semetism but I have also been seeing a bunch of posts like this from friends which subtly implies that calling out hate is a tit for tat or something. I can’t quite put my finger on it but something about the sentiment feels low key racist – like there’s a regret for supporting BLM because now they aren’t having the “favor” of support returned or something. We should all care about and call out hate and discrimination when we see it because it’s the right thing to do not because we supported one group and now they “owe” us their support.

        1. Isn’t it tit for tat though? People like to get up on their soap box and say people are obliged to support certain movements if they claim to be leftist and all others are evil. Which then makes people who wouldn’t otherwise participate reluctantly do so and ultimately feel duped when *shock* support isn’t reciprocated.

          1. I mean if that’s how some people view the world, we’re never going to see a better world. There are too many people who don’t belong to a group that need “support” so if you truly believe that no one will support other groups unless they are assured the support will be reciprocated, we’re screwed because we need the support of people who don’t have any motivation to do so.

      1. Nope. Would we ordinary citizens have access to vaccines if Trump were in power? Because he had no plans to distribute them to the American people. No plans.

        1. Trump certainly did have plans. In my very blue state, we had plans of what to do with the vaccines the federal government was going to send us. Each state was to receive vaccines and be responsible for distribution. This was even before the November elections. Trump would not have stopped the vaccines going to ordinary people, that’s nutso.

        2. Uh yeah come on this is just a bizarre untrue take. Multiple people in my family were vaccinated under Trump’s presidency. I am absolutely no defender of the guy but let’s leave the alt-facts to the alt-right.

    7. Saying that we shouldn’t sell weapons to Israel or that Israel needs to treat Palestinians more fairly is not anti-Semitism. Disagreeing with someone or a group of people or another country is not anti-Semitism.

      2. No one’s talking about that. Have you not read the news and seen all the stories of Jewish people being attacked in the street across the country?

        Strongly recommend the Vanity Fair piece from a few years ago on the situation in France. https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2015/07/anti-semitism-france-hostage-hyper-cacher-kosher-market

        The US is one of the last remaining safe havens for Jews and it is getting dangerous here. Not okay. It’s not about disagreements about policy. Jewish Americans deserve to walk down the street in peace just like the rest of us. They are no more responsible for Israel’s actions than Iranian Americans are for Iran or Saudi Americans for 9/11.

      3. Physically attacking a man wearing a kippah/yarmulke and pepper spraying him in the middle of Times Square is antisemitism. It’s exactly the same as attacking an Asian woman on the subway.

        1. yes, this. you can condone this and still think that the US shouldn’t sell weapons to Israel. the two are not mutually exclusive. you are conflating two different issues.

      4. I 100% agree with you at 11:06 but I see what frustrated is saying. I’m of an American of Jewish heritage and have been subjected to anti-semitism, although I don’t identify as Jewish, my family does.

        The American right has branded anti-Semitism as criticism of Israel’s government. On January 6th, I saw Jewish Americans stand shoulder to shoulder with modern N@zis, in their explicit regalia, trying to overthrow the US government. That was confusing, disheartening and scary. I don’t know how we got there, but my take is that when we stared seeing anti-semitism as criticism of the Israeli government, rather than a form of white supremacist hate, we made all American Jews less safe. I obviously stand with everyone in condemning violence against Jewish people and anti-semitism generally.

          3. I don’t know what that means, but I think Anonymous at 12:20 might be referencing Aaron Mostofsky, the son of a prominent Brooklyn judge and Orthodox community figure, who was arrested after being photographed with stolen artifacts inside the Capitol on January 6.

    9. We do not see any rise or reported attacks in Europe these days. What we have here is a fairly critical majority of public opinion with the Israeli government. Quite different.

        1. Thank you for the link, but I am sure it is not a surprise for anyone that it is happening in Germany.
          I have not been able to find any other information regarding incidents in any of the other 48 countries but Uk (again no suprise). Then no rise in, let’s say, 47 european countries, in Germany, UK & probably France business as usual. Yes, plenty of concentrations against Israel in a lot of them.
          Catholic too.

  11. Sell me on marriage. I’m not religious, have worked hard for my own money, and my could-be-fiancé is the same. I’m not convinced taxes would be better for us married. No kids now or ever planned. The big one for me is healthcare, but I think most of that can be taken care of via powers of attorney? My boyfriend says it’s totally up to me, my conservative family (if they knew it was up to me) would want me married. The only benefit I can think of is saying “husband” is a little better than “boyfriend” (I’m in my 30s).

    Married people or those who want to be – would you share legal or sentimental things that makes it worth it to you?

    1. You are correct that healthcare can be taken care of via legal paperwork, but in my observation it requires “proof” which can take time you can’t afford in an emergency. If you’re unconscious and a decision needs to be made, a spouse will automatically be trusted. Others will be forced to “prove” their right to make those decisions. In a health situation where seconds count, it can make a difference.

      Source: my grandmother’s DNR was not respected, and she was life-flighted and given other extraordinary measures, because someone had to run to the house, get into the safe, and find the paperwork. Everything they did to her in the meantime only extended her suffering, and almost bankrupted her life partner.

      1. And what’s to stop an unscrupulous interloper / caregiver from claiming the same thing. A spouse is a spouse. You only have one of those.

        1. If an unscrupulous person is going to do that, marriage will not stop it. It’s not like I carry my marriage certificate with me and I don’t have the same last name as my husband. No one asks for proof of marriage normally and I can’t prove it on a day-to-day basis. There are a lot of benefits to marriage, but stoping an unscrupulous person from claiming that they are the decision maker is not one of them.

          1. So I read a horrifying article about caregivers marrying their caretake-ee b/c the mental capacity to consent to marriage < mental capacity to make contracts, cutting off kids, upping the pills, and slowly letting the person die and then they'd get every single asset not rigorously passing by contract (which a later marriage often trumps, depending on the state). They are the default executor and can run every expense through the estate. For the few men who outlive their spouses, they are really vulnerable (and lonely!). The kids (or girlfriends) were unable to do anything about it.

          2. The kids should be involved when the parent needs care! Not to excuse the rest, but there are ways to intervene.

    2. I was the same. Ultimately I’m kinda lazy and having spouse instead of BF just makes things the default and a little easier than setting up things like POA. And if husband dies in some horrible accident, I can sue for wrongful death (yes, we’re lawyers. Yes, I’m practical to a fault). There wasn’t really a downside. We keep separate bank accounts.

      1. This matters more than you think. In a car accident that left a man dead, an adult kid was fuming to sue to “avenge” his dead parent. When he learned that any proceeds from the suit would be shared something like 1/3 to the dead parent’s second wife and then pro rata among the first marriage / extramarital kids, he stopped caring. He wasn’t going to be involved in getting more money for “that woman.”

        1. I think it’s also: the surviving spouse can decide whether to take a check from an insurance company for wrongful death (binding the other heirs) vs an mere girlfriend who gets no $ and all 6 kids get to lobby to be executor who then decides whether to sue or take the check.

      2. And loss of consortium! If your spouse is badly injured and you have to care for them and can’t go do social things with them (and historically, have sex with them) you have your own cause of action that is derivative of their claim. You do not have that if you are “just” bf/gf.

    3. You can take care of medical stuff in the state that you live under the current law via POAs, but you can’t control what happens if one of you gets injured in another state or country, or the laws change.

      I wouldn’t let the finances deter you, but I would for sure get a prenup. Mine was like 1200 in NYC a few years ago. It was very basic (what assets/debt I bring in are mine, what assets/debt or inheritance he brings in is his, no alimony unless we explicitly agree someone is staying home) but totally worth it.

      Sentimentally, I think the idea of someone who always has your back and is willing to work thorugh any (non-abuse) problems you have is super romantic, but doesn’t need to be paired with legal marriage necessarily.

      I’m not in this position, but I think extended older family members often view you more “seriously” if you’re married. it’s dumb, but it is what it is, if that’s something that plays in to your life.

      1. I am religious, so that played into my decision, but I do think that the fact that it is hard to get a divorce plays into the lifelong commitment idea. If it’s hard to leave, you are more willing to stick it out and work at it and thereby get a life partner.

        1. I’m also religious, but I think I’ve seen the sentiment you stated above play out to the partners’ detriment as often as it does to their benefit. I ended up divorcing a man whose take on marriage was that I needed to stay committed to him forever no matter what (even if he hit me, even if he got himself fired repeatedly, even if he was a shitty partner overall, even if he never did anything to support me, etc). I actually have come across a lot of men that seem to have internalized just the one half of that sentiment, in that they are crappy partners who expect eternal love for it. Obviously all anecdata, and probably age/location/etc-dependent.

          Now I have a partner that I’m not (yet?) married to, and he is way more committed to doing things to make our relationship work.

          1. Yeah, I also learned first-hand that people’s perceptions of legal marriage are just as diverse as people’s perspectives on any relationship. My ex-husband was adamant about being married, and unwilling to live together unmarried. I didn’t feel strongly either way, so I went along with his wishes. He left me a few years later, stating that he had always doubted our future. My commitment was far deeper than his was, and I took marriage far more seriously than he did! But I was the one who didn’t really care whether I got married.

            With the emotional aspect, it really comes down to people acting in good faith and speaking the same language. That said, I was grateful for the legal component when he bailed.

    4. *if* it is important to you:
      POAs are regularly forgotten about/ignored/steamrolled in emergency life-or-death and DNR situations. While it’s not legally or medically correct, it’s just a fact and it doesn’t stop either of your families from going off-script wild, against your/boyfriend’s medical or dying wishes.

      1. POA should be abbreviated PITA. Nobody accepts them without a protracted battle.

    5. Getting married puts default employee benefits and succession-upon-death rights on autopilot. Since neither of us has bothered to make a will (and we fully know better), this makes both of us happy in our negligence. If either of us is in the hospital, we can visit. Oddly, we don’t have wills but do have living wills, springing POAs, HC POAs, advanced directives, and durable POAs.

      1. re employee benefits, health insurance is a huge one. I see so many people too sick to work and lose their insurance and not be able to afford the marketplace ones. It is so much easier if you can just roll onto a spouse’s plan.

        Now that gay marriage is allowed most states are no longer doing “domestic partner” health insurance. It’s married only.

        1. Back in 1999 this was the reason my husband and I got married: I had access to reasonably-priced good health insurance and he was paying a huge amount of money for crappy benefits. We figured out how much money we could save by getting married and getting on the “married couple” plan at my work. So we got married. Over time, as life has happened, it’s been really helpful to have two people working in benefit-carrying jobs. We’ve switched back and forth, with ourselves and now our son being on whatever plan has the best benefits at the cheapest premium. It’s saved us a lot of money over the years.

          I will also say, having seen some of my friends who chose to just cohabit start to struggle with their health or with estate issues now that we’re getting older, I think being legally married has some distinct benefits in that responsibility lines and involvement rights are clearer. A friend of my husband’s had a heart attack in the thick of the pandemic and his longtime girlfriend (over 15 years) wasn’t allowed to go see him in the hospital because she wasn’t “immediate family.” His elderly mother had to intervene because she didn’t want to risk her own health going into see him, so the girlfriend was finally allowed in.

          IMO, if there aren’t strong cons you can think of to getting married, OP, the mild pros might make it worth it. It’s not necessary, these days, but it can be a “nice to have” when the chips are down.

    6. I’m having similar thoughts. I’m in my late 30s, have more savings than boyfriend (our income is currently the same, but I started aggressively saving earlier), and a child from my first marriage. I’ve also had the pleasure of going through a divorce once already. Saying “boyfriend” when we live together with my kid seems a bit weird, but I’m not sure if it’s weird enough to get married. I’ve been considering switching to “partner”. OTOH, one of the judges I appear in front of is in her 60s and has a “boyfriend.”

      1. I’m 34 and divorced with a preschooler. I’ve been with the same person for two years and he’s moved in, does daycare pickup, etc. I’ve switched to “partner”, although we may also get legally married. I think on the coasts no one would blink an eye about it, although here in Texas some older coworkers for sure think I’m hiding a girlfriend.

        1. Related to marriage: it didn’t increase the legitimacy of my relationship but did increase the respect that other people gave to my relationship.

          Related to referring to your ‘partner’: My mother has always been just very progressive and always referred to my boyfriend/fiance/husband as my ‘partner’. My husband also goes by a reasonably gender neutral nickname… Mom lived in a suuuuuper progressive state and worked in a super inclusive office and her coworkers were actually all shocked when they saw our engagement pictures and ‘Alex’ was a man. I always appreciated that ‘lesbian daughter’ was the default in that workplace.

          1. “it didn’t increase the legitimacy of my relationship but did increase the respect that other people gave to my relationship.”

            This – but on the flip side, when my husband and I got married (25 years ago) it also increased others’ expectations of emotional labor that I would do for my husband. Now that I was his wife I was expected to remember the birthdays, buy the gifts, etc. Even though that isn’t how we work, it took a while for our families to learn that.

          3. I support a European business line, and it’s super common for my UK staff to use “partner” as a catch-all that includes serious boyfriends/girlfriends, fiance(e)s, and spouses, in all cases regardless of gender.

        2. One of my colleagues hides her girlfriend and it’s really awkward. We live in a liberal city and discuss family matters all the time so her being evasive and vague is obvious. It’s not my place to comment but literally everyone knows and things would be much better if she was forthcoming.

      2. Psst… you can even say “husband” if you want to and nobody will notice or care.

        1. If you don’t want to do that, I used to call my husband my Gentleman Friend before he was my fiance.

        2. Oh, yes this! For some reason it’s very common where I live to call someone your husband if you’re just engaged or even engaged-to-be-engaged. You might get some rude people sniping at you if they discover he’s not “really” your husband, but most people will be like, “welp, guess that’s basically what he is anyway, right?” and move on.

          2. You think it’s weird to call somebody your husband when you’re not married or to get upset if somebody does that?

    7. I agree with the statements above, and would add that it just in general is going to gain a lot more respect/sympathy/understanding when you can present to the world that way, particularly when things get complicated or difficult, such as in the hospital, long-term care, or death (something I run into in my healthcare practice a lot – POAs expire at death, and wills have to be probated). Also, in the event that things do fall apart, there are a lot more processes and protections for married couples getting divorced then there are for unmarrieds. (I was involved in a case once where an unmarried couple owned a house together, and it was a disaster to uncouple – my client had virtually no protections and was at the mercy of the more financially powerful one.)

      Beyond that, I can’t really put it into words well, but I definitely do think that there’s a difference in saying, both to each other and the world, that you have made a life-long commitment to each other and accepted all of the rights and responsibilities that go along with it. “Boyfriend” isn’t really a meaningful term in our world – it can refer to someone you’ve been on a handful of dates with and find generally attractive, or someone you’ve lived with for decades. “Spouse” says something very different. I think that’s important.

      But obviously, this is all a very personal decision, and I’m not trying to say you have to or should do it, just trying to explain my own thoughts.

    8. The only thing I can add is my grandmother’s experience. After she and my grandfather divorced she dated her long term boyfriend (35+ years). He had a stroke and she provided full time care for him for over a decade. When he passed away his extended family contested his will and tried to gain access to every single account where he had designated her as the beneficiary. They always kept their finances separate and the house was in his name so for a period of time his family changed the locks and wouldn’t allow her in the house (I’m not sure if this is legal and it was only a few days). She was really shocked because she had viewed these people as family. She also had a lot of legal bills and headache along with dealing with the loss of the love of her life.

      1. I have seen this play at several times unfortunately. The reality is that when you are together long term, you make decisions for your mutual benefit. As you should! But if you are unmarried while you do so, you may be unprotected in ways you do not expect. If you want to stay unmarried but live a life together, you will need to put a lot of time, effort, and money into protecting each other and many couples just don’t.

    9. I know several same-sex couples who either had religious marriages prior to Obergefell and subsequently obtained legal marriages, or who decided for whatever reason to get legally married after living in a committed partnership for years. All of them say they were surprised by how meaningful the legal marriage turned out to be, even if they’d originally viewed it as just a formality.

      1. We got married at a courthouse after our friend’s ordination paperwork fell through (long story, and we were young). It was a very sweet experience – you got the feeling that this was the best part of the judge’s day and he took it very seriously. It was similar when my wife did her legal name change – again, the judge was very kind and supportive.

        1. Awe – I think about becoming a judge one day (currently a practicing attorney) and I think it would be a toss up for best part being marriages or adoption proceedings

          1. On the other hand, one judge I encountered called weddings “pre-divorce proceedings.”

    10. Not married but want to be. I just desire the kind of affirmation that comes with signing a legal contract where someone commits to be bound to you for life (or at least for a very long time and is difficult to get out of). But maybe you feel comfortable and secure in your relationship and that’s fine. If you have that same level of commitment without carrying about the legal aspect of it, I might suggest that you switch to using the term “partner” rather than “boyfriend”. For some reason, “boyfriend” always feels like a temporary status to me, whereas partner seems like you’re settled.

    11. This doesn’t exactly answer your question, but I get the sense from your post that you’re having trouble accepting your own reasons to/not to get married as enough. You don’t have to justify it with lots of life reasons like taxes and healthcare and money to get married if you want to, and you don’t have to apologize for not wanting it for any reason. It sounds like you have an understanding boyfriend and good boundaries with your family. Roll with what it is you want.

    12. I was of a very similar mind, and ultimately got married. We aren’t religious and our families are not particularly religious. DH and I were together, bought a house together and did all the things that married people do for 8 years before getting married. I was in my mid 20s when we met and DH was in his late 20’s so we weren’t super young. At the time we weren’t planning on having kids but hadn’t 100% ruled it out. We’ve now been married for 5 years and have 1 kid.

      The tax situation is most definitely worse for us married than separate and will likely stay that way until we take different jobs or one of us goes part-time or elects to stay home with our kid. I think what swayed it for me was that I wanted a way to celebrate us with our friends and getting married is a unique way to have all your friends from different walks of life together to celebrate. So we got married. I planned the wedding as though it was a fancy party with all my favorite people. A person important to our lives married us in a civil ceremony and it was special to commit to each other in that public way (also pretty nerve wracking because we are private people). I did wear a wedding dress though because I thought they were pretty. I’m happy that we did it because the party was very special, but it altered nothing between us. Our relationship felt permanent before the wedding and it still feels permanent. We make decisions the same way we did before we were married. Its possible if we hadn’t gotten married and then later decided we wanted a kid we would have gotten married then. You can contract around all the protections that marriage gives you but its a lot of work, so that was a benefit too.

    13. Marriage has many legal benefits. I wasn’t about to sell my house and combine my finances (which you can try to separate, but if you’re buying a new house with someone you’re still kind of mingling them) without the legal framework of marriage. Im sure you can do some work and get similar legal protections without marriage, but it seems like a lot of work when the marriage option is literally right there designed for this exact situation.

    14. The legal issues are covered well. Only thing I will add is that sometimes, one of you will sacrifice for the other, and it’s important that you both be on the hook for the consequences of that sacrifice.

      In how it matters to the world: let’s say that your potential husband (PH) gets a job in a different city. It’s much easier for you to job hunt as a “trailing spouse” or “because my husband is moving there” than moving for a boyfriend. Boyfriend says temporary; it says you might flee back home when you break up.

      A ring takes away the incentive for other people to hit on you and PH. The title “husband” or “wife” accomplishes the same. Yes, skeezes gonna skeeze, but the attention you will each receive will plummet with a ring. This matters more than you think.

      Emotionally, the commitment matters when life is hard. Marriage isn’t for when life is easy, you’re in love, you’re healthy, and your careers are both singing along; it matters when you’re fighting, when one of you has to make hard sacrifices for the sake of the unit, when you don’t want to keep working on it.

      Sentimentally, here’s a weird one: I know that we’re going to be buried together in my family’s plot. It is sweet knowing that we will spend eternity next to each other under a tree, and sweet knowing that my grandparents, who would have loved my husband beyond all belief, will have him there in fifty or sixty years.

    15. You’re not with the right person. I was marriage agnostic to what’s the point with several SOS before I met my now husband. When you are with the right person, you want them to have all the benefits of being married and you will want to merge your lives. Choose carefully though. Much better to stay unmarried and deal with the social pressure than to marry the wrong person. It won’t be a question with the right one.

      2. This is not far from “the right person will make you want a kid despite your being childfree” and I am not here for it. If your idea of the “right person” is someone who forces you to alter your fundamental beliefs, then I don’t want to live in your reality. Thumbs way down.

        3. Nope. I’m childfree and my right person absolutely shares my fundamental beliefs. Marriage wasn’t one of them. I didn’t get it – seemed societally driven with a few legal benefits. I didn’t want to lose my assets or share my wealth with anyone until I met someone right. If you’re feeling selfish (as a selfish person I don’t see that as an insult) it’s something to listen to. It’s your inner voice saying he/she isn’t the right person for you.

          1. I also strongly believe that if you feel the need for a prenup, don’t get married. I 100% get that’s a controversial statement but I firmly believe not marrying is the best way to protect your assets. If you think you need anyone, you’re not all in, and he probably isn’t either. Don’t get married, it’s fine not to.

          2. That may have been your experience, but that does not make it a universal experience. Just as I can’t/shouldn’t tell you that you’re wrong about wanting to be childfree and X event is going to happen and make you want children, you shouldn’t tell other people what X event is going to make them want to get married. Everyone is different

          3. Oh for goodness sake, I’m not pushing one way of doing things. I’m pointing out that if OP needs to be “sold” on the concept then that is something to listen to. This is where intuition meets practicality. Of course there are other reasons to marry, but if you’re looking to be sold, ain’t the right person.

          4. Also, should emphasize right person to MARRY. Plenty of great reasons to stay with someone and not marry them either.

          5. @11:46 that’s about the smuggest and most off putting post I’ve seen here lately, and that’s saying a lot.

            Prenups are not a sign that you’re not “really” married for gods sake.

          6. 2:08, huh? Where did I say that? I said don’t get married if you think you need a prenup. You will be the most protected keeping someone as a boyfriend/partner/fake husband. Just don’t make him a real one.

          7. “If you think you need one, you’re not all in” is the obnoxious thing I’m referring to. People get prenups for all kinds of reasons, and it doesn’t mean you don’t love or trust your spouse.

        4. I wouldn’t dismiss the post above out of hand! She’s expressing doubts so it doesn’t seem like these are “fundamental values” for her.

        5. For someone who is opposed to marriage, I am not sure if this is true. For those who are more marriage neutral, I think the person is often the difference between “why” and “I never knew I could really want to be married” because the latter feeling is so tied to the particular partner.

      3. Nope, marriage is not the be-all end-all for everyone. If it is for you, great. But, OP, don’t let this one person sow doubt in your relationship.
        DH and I never intended to get married, having no religious affiliation, plus an almost-libertarian aversion to the fact that the government should treat us differently because of a private promise that we make to each other. We ended up moving abroad and needed to be married for visa and other bureaucratic reasons.
        Like, it’s fine to be married, but it didn’t change our relationship.

      4. There is a very important but subtle distinction between saying, “You’ll turn into Miss Suzy Homemaker when you meet the right person” and “If you are hesitant about marriage, it is likely your intuition telling you that you aren’t the right people for each other.”

        1. This is the point I’ve been trying to make. Exactly. Your intuition is powerful and easy to ignore. Because society, because legal benefits, etc. I’d rather stay unmarried and in a L/T relationship (not calling for breaking up here, just cautioning against marriage and all its entanglements).

    16. Legal: Social security, healthcare decisions, taxes, property transfers on death. More protections if and when someone takes a break from work. I would also NEVER jointly own my home or combine finances without being married. I have seen divorcing couples, and unmarried couples who have been together a long time break up. The unmarried couples have it harder.

      Sentimental: I love being a team, a unit, a family with a future together. I like having completely joint finances – everything is ours, not his and mine. I have a lifelong cheerleader and supporter, and I get the pleasure of being the same for him. My marriage means more to me now than ever, as I saw many relationships and institutions fail me in the past few years. Our family and home are safe havens in a hostile world.

    17. For me, it’s sentimental. Our marriage is a commitment that means we’re going to stick with each other during hard times, that we’re going to work to make our relationship better, and that we’re planning a long arc together. It also means that we prioritize and support each other over our families of origin. I believe people can have all those things without marriage, but the commitment makes a qualitative difference in the way I see our relationship.

      Legally, being married is more convenient for us, and reading this thread, it probably matters more than I give it credit for. Socially, being seen as a married couple and treated as a unit is convenient and feels nice. I don’t know that I’d get married for only those reasons, but there are some nice legal and social benefits.

    18. Weddings aren’t a reason to get married but they can be really fun!
      Ability to get on someone else’s insurance is a huge benefit that adds security and flexibility.
      And a different way to look at this is, what benefits do you get from not getting married? Can end the relationship without needing court involvement but anything else?

    19. If you travel internationally at all, it is much better assurance to be married. Powers of attorney will not necessarily meet the standards or carry the correct weight in foreign countries. Marriage is recognized pretty much everywhere.

      Also basically shorthand to society about the seriousness of your relationship.

      Just do a civil ceremony at city hall.

    20. Most of the benefits are if something goes wrong. If one of you loses a job, you can get health insurance through your spouse and benefit from a lower tax rate. If one of you dies, most inheritance issues are easier. You can get around some of that with a will, but I think there are still some tax issues that might apply, like only having 10 years to spend out an inherited IRA, which has a spousal exemption that wouldn’t apply if you’re just partners. I didn’t care about the ceremony of getting married at all, but my husband lost his job and needed health insurance in the pre-ACA days (for you young people, this means he had a minor preexisting condition and was therefore uninsurable), so we eloped. 10 years later, no regrets.

    21. Marital rights can be important if you split too. My friend has lived with her child’s father for 20+ years. They are breaking up. She makes WAY less than him and has lived a lifestyle based on his income. The house is in his name. His money is in his name. She can child support for a few years until her kid turns 18 but she likely has no stake in the house, his money or alimony as they weren’t married and her name wasn’t on any of the assets.

      1. That’s such a good point. It seems like women are the ones in the most vulnerable position if there is a breakup.

    22. It is better to be married b/c he can support you if you get sick. Also, you do not have to worry about STDs, as long as he keeps his zipper up when he is away at a hotel. With the pandemic, I would not have s-x with anyone b/c of the lack of vaccine. Now that it is almost over, men are starting to sniff around and look at me in a s-xueal way. Dad says be careful b/c you can’t tell if a guy is vaccinated the way you can if they are circumsized, but I don’t want to have to pull a guy’s pants down before deciding if he can have s-x with me.

    23. How you feel about the relationship should match how you feel about the title, imho. What does marriage mean to you? To him? There are lots of objective things about what marriage means, but ultimately it’s up to the two of you to define your relationship, whether that’s a marriage or any other kind of partnership.

      Personally I don’t really understand people who get married but have ironclad prenups and keep everything separate. Like whatever it’s their marriage it’s none of my business, but it makes me wonder if they’re just giving in to social pressure rather than thinking about what they each really want from their relationship. I wish we would normalize long term relationships that aren’t marriages, instead of making people feel like they have to shoehorn their relationship into marriage to be socially acceptable.

    24. there’s virtually no reason I would ever get married. Also no kids and don’t want them, financially independent, in a good relationship with a divorced man but hell no – there’s absolutely no need and I honestly really love the political implications of remaining legally single for me.

    25. I looked hard into this because of the marriage tax penalty and not having any religious need to be married “before god.” Two things were big enough to me that it felt worth it – YMMV

      1) being each other’s next of kin. I know healthcare powers of attorney exist. I also know of instances where hospitals refused to accept them in an emergency until their legal department could review them. Specially, a friend and his long term girlfriend were in a car accident on vacation, she was ok, he was critical for a while, she was not considered next of kin during crucial decision making moments and she couldn’t see him. There’s the theoretical and then there’s the reality.

      2) in my state, California, you can only hold a property as Community Property if you are married. Community property titles have several advantages, which you can look up, but for me the convincing one was that the spouse is the automatic inheritor of the property if one spouse dies. Also, both must agree to sell the property, where as tenants in common can basically sell their half as if it were an old building converted to condos. We’ve owned or house since 2003 so things may have changed, but it was compelling at the time.

      The big thing for me is that my husband is my family. I chose him to be my family and marriage establishes that he is my family in the eyes of the law.

  12. Has anyone used The Expert for interior design help? I’m intrigued. If so, could you share your experience?

  13. Is there a “couch to 5K” style program for strength training? I am a noodle-y skinny-fat looking to get muscle tone and maintain bone density as I age. I own an old universal gym that isn’t fancy, but works fine for the basics.

    1. I need this too – a basic all-around program that I can stick with for a few weeks and get a decent foundation from. Following!

    2. Have you checked out the New Rules of Lifting for Women? Might require some equipment you don’t have but they suggest alternate exercises.

      1. +1 – I’d recommend Strong by the authors of New Rules of Lifting for Women. It’s a little more basic to start. This is the program I used to get into lifting and I loved it.

    3. Strong Curves has a 12-week program that starts easy and gets harder (3 groups of 4 weeks of the same exercises) plus a harder 12-week program when you finish the first. I love it, it has illustrations and also has alternate exercises in the same “group” if your gym doesn’t have the specific equipment.

    4. I don’t have a specific recommendation for a routine, but if you’re truly new to it, consider doing each new exercise with a broomstick or equivalent the first time you do it. It’ll feel goofy but it will get you used to the motion and you may even feel some effects if you don’t have much muscle to begin with.

      If I were starting out, I would probably start with body weight exercises because I think you get more bang for your buck, before moving on to weight lifting/etc.

    5. The Sweat app has a variety of programs with varying equipment requirements. The ones designed for a gym may work with your universal gym.

    6. If you have the Peloton app, the new beginner strength program is exactly this. It is completely redesigned and much more basic than Andy’s was. I’m doing it and highly recommend.

    8. I LOVED the StrongLifts program for this – it’s a powerlifting program, though, so you need access to a barbell. But if you use their (free, iirc) app it tells you exactly what to lift and has videos for form (though I had some sessions with a trainer at the Y to be sure I was using good form and to help me get over my intimidation of that area of the gym). You basically start out with light weights but increase the weight surprisingly quickly.

    9. Fitness Blender! You can buy a “program” from them for like 20 bucks, it just takes all their free videos and puts them on a calendar in order, and they are great.

  14. Do any of you in the DC area have recommendations for the following services? I have inherited a number of items from my grandmother and am looking to update/refresh them.

    1. Jeweler that will redesign pieces – I have a number of pieces of jewelry with real stones (diamond, aquamarine, sapphire in particular) that I’d like to rework into new pieces. And a few rings and other ones that simply need to be resized. Any suggestions on someone I can trust?

    2. Fur – while I’d never buy new, I am now the owner of two full length furs that are in spectacular condition. I’d like to “refresh” them to a more modern style. Any suggestions on a furrier? What should I even be looking for/asking about?!

    3. Consignment – there are a few things (bags in particular) I think I’ll just consign, in particular a nearly-new Vuitton messenger bag. Any recommendations?

    Thanks!

    1. Not in NY but I follow Spur Jewelry on IG and they do the most fabulous makeovers of jewelry that I have ever seen. They meet with you in a virtual consultation and then send you sketches to choose from. I literally drool over everything they make!

  15. Any suggestions for things that are fun to do with two young boys in Chicago within walking distance of the Trump hotel? We are going to see a baseball game in the afternoon so I was trying to think of something easy for that morning. Thanks!!

    1. Architectural boat tours depart from somewhere close to the hotel, IIRC. Lots of cool buildings!

      1. Yes! Lots of cool things besides buildings to see if you are a young boy too. I remember seeing a yacht with its own helicopter pad.

    2. Maggie Daley park is about a 15 minute walk from there. You can hit Cloud Gate while you are at it.

      1. +1 to this rec. Take them to Millennium/Maggie Daley park and let them run around all the random installations. Bonus points if you get them some Garrett’s popcorn as a snack :)

    3. Check out the Skate Ribbon in Maggie Daley Park. There is a place that rents rollerblades and other wheels, and it is clean and beautiful and an absolute blast.

  16. Can anyone comment on the comfort/fit of the AirPods vs. AirPod pros? I will be using them mostly for work, but I don’t necessarily need the noise cancelling. I usually hate the little rubber inserts for other headphones, but if they are more comfortable or make them easier to stay in your ears, it may be worth it.

      1. +1, I cannot wear Apple’s “regular” headphones at all, but find the pros extremely comfortable.

    2. If you’re using them for work and cost isn’t a concern, I’d get one of each. When I have a long day of calls, I need to swap them out to let the battery charge. It also helps with comfort. Kind of like wearing a different pair of shoes in the evening.

    3. I actually love my AirPods. They are so comfortable I literally forget I am wearing them.

    5. I’ve had both and prefer the fit of the regular AirPods, but YMMV according to the shape of your ear. My ears are very small and I had no issue with the AirPods, although I know many people who found them uncomfortable. The AirPods Pros are really nice but the fit isn’t great, as they fall out of my ears regularly.

    6. Thanks, everyone! This has made me realize that I need to see if I can actually try these on at the store before I buy.

  17. Does anyone have a reweaver who does good and reasonably priced work? The person who has done excellent work for me retired. Maryland or DC, or a mail service. Thanks for the collective experience.

  18. Does anyone know what the wait time is for Pelotons right now? We are moving and don’t have a new address yet — but I really, really want a new Peloton. Can I order one now for delivery in August, and update the address once I have one?

    1. Check your local FB marketplace and buy a used one. We’re getting ready to list ours. We’ve had it for years (pre-pandemic rush) and now that we work from home all the time and likely will even post-pandemic, we hate it. My husband’s “office” is right next to it in the basement and he hasn’t touched it in almost a year. I begrudgingly used it over the winter but now I despise it and don’t think I’ll use it again. I spend so much time in this house, I’d rather join a gym and see different walls.

      If you’re moving to the Chicago suburbs, feel free to buy mine!

    2. Nothing against buying used, but I’d go with new for the warranty protection. You could place an order to determine the wait time and adjust as necessary. I think they’re currently delivering in weeks, not months. FWIW I scheduled a service call and was able to change the address after I moved.

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