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Updated: Jul 31, 2020 317 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Slit-Neck Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Buying clothes on Amazon can be a mixed bag, but when a dress has hundreds of 5-star reviews, I feel a little more confident about hitting the “add to cart” button.

This slit-neck sheath is inexpensive and has a wide range of sizes and colors. (H/t to Kat for pointing this one out!) Based on the photos submitted in the reviews, I think I’d be inclined to size up for slightly less fitted look.

This dress comes in sizes 0–22 and 10 different colors. Prices vary depending on the size/color but range from $9.90 to $33.90. Slit-Neck Sheath Dress

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Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. CPA Lady

    Can anyone speak to the comfort/durability of a sleeper sofa from p ottery barn or any other large store like that? What we’re hoping for is something comfortable to sit on and sleep on. Any details (style, fabric type) would be much appreciated!

    • Ribena

      I have the Friheten corner sofa bed from IKEA in the standard woven grey. Something that was important for me was that the foldout mechanism be easy to use, and it is. The chaise end contains storage, where I keep the bedding. I find it comfortable as both a sofa and a bed – my living room has blackout curtains and my bedroom doesn’t, so I sometimes sleep on it if I’m having trouble sleeping.

      An unforeseen issue is that standard fitted bedsheets didn’t work with it, so I bought a king size flat sheet and I just tuck it in as best I can.

      • Anonymous

        I have this (bought for an apartment for when we were remodeling) and loved it. Our real beds are Q or twins, so we just used Q sheets. We used it as a sleeper several times with no complaints and it unexpectedly became my home office during quarantine. Our middle-school kids loved using it by the TV as a movie-watching bed.

      • Anon

        I am the one that asked for recs a month ago and posted below. My concern with this one is if a couple is using it, does the person on the inside kind of feel trapped in the middle of the night? Like to go to the bathroom they would have to climb over/wake up their partner?

        • Anonymous

          IMO a couple generally wouldn’t be comfortable in a full bed anyway, shape is less of a problem than mattress size. If you will be hosting couples, just get a queen sleeper.

        • Equestrian Attorney

          My parents have the IKEA one in their guest room so I’ve spent a significant amount of time on one, with and without a partner. It’s pretty comfortable and I’ve never felt that trapped – you can climb over the armrest (which isn’t that high) if you don’t want to climb over your partner. It’s not a regular bed and I wouldn’t use it full-time, but I’ve done it for up to two weeks at a time and it was perfectly fine.

        • Anon at 10:12

          I have the Berin sleeper, with thin arms and tall legs and chaise lounge. Love it!

          • Legally Brunette

            I love our Berin as well. Slept on it many times and it is as comfortable as a regular bed, some would say more comfortable.

    • FFS

      La-Z-Boy has been awesome. We have some type of microfiber and it’s held up wonderfully with three kids 4 and under. We upgraded the standard mattress to a memory foam and it’s perfectly comfortable to sleep on, and the most comfortable to sit on of our three couches.

  2. Sticky

    DC is living up to its swamp reputation, and unlike previous years when I was luxuriating in my office icebox during the hottest parts of the day, my apartment’s AC isn’t up to the task. I’ve supplemented it with a fan, but it still makes me lethargic during the afternoons. My reading on portable AC units was pretty disheartening, but it occurred to me that a dehumidifier might make it feel more comfortable given that my apartment is averaging 70-75% humidity. Is that correct? If so, does anyone have a recommendation for a small dehumidifier that I could add to my bedroom/office?

    • Anonymous

      Do you have a window unit or central air? If the former you may just need a new one.

      • Sticky

        Central air and I cannot have a window unit due to the way the windows are structured, unfortunately.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, a dehumidifier would be helpful. I started using one (again) last summer and it has been great (also DC metro). Fewer bugs in my basement too. I just bought a $125 kind of one from Home Depot or Lowes.

      • Carrie

        +1

        Yes, they can be really helpful.

        I would just buy whatever Costco is offering. But even cheaper ones can be quite useful.

        • PolyD

          +2
          Apartment dweller in DC. Bedroom has two outside walls and gets much more humid, so we run a dehumidifier in there and it helps SO MUCH.

    • anne-on

      I would also think about an air purifier with a fan – we use one next to our dog bed for the smells and it significantly cools the room (dog happily parks herself right in front of it in the summer).

    • FFS

      Definitely get your AC checked out – that is a crazy level of humidity. 60% is the top of the recommendations to avoid mold. If for some reason your AC is fine then yes, get a dehumidifier.

    • BabyAssociate

      Also in DC and agree with the other commenters: get your AC serviced. When my AC is running it brings the humidity down to 40-45% (maybe less, I have a humidifier) but when it’s off and the windows are open (like now) the humidity is 75-80% and I use a fan for air circulation.

    • RILawyer

      The only problem with a dehumidifier is that they tend to kick off a lot of heat, at least the one we have in our basement does. Maybe there are newer/better models that don’t? I lived in DC for 3 years in my early 20s and summer there is no joke.

      • Ellen

        You are right. When I was in school in DC, I had a dorm room and Dad installed an AC unit even tho it was not official with the RA. I did not want to sweat all the time and the college’s AC did not work well, so he put one in for me himself that he bought locally. All the other women saw my AC and wanted one, and it caused an issue with the RA who did not want to have all of this extra electricity from AC units in the room (it was NOT a window unit, but it expelled the wet air out the window). We were in luxury (my Roommate loved Dad b/c of it and she was from Asia where it was very warm and humid to begin with anyway, but not like DC — FOOEY on DC).
        So I would investigate an AC unit you keep in your room near the window, but you do NOT have to hang it outside like a Box AC unit. Good luck!

  3. Home gym

    I have wanted to add a treadmill to my home gym since last year. They have reopened deliveries in my area, but I’m trying to decide if it is irresponsible to do it. My husband and I work from home and have been extremely careful because I have an underlying health condition that makes me more susceptible to infections (though early studies show it does not make me more likely to be hospitalized from COVID). We have done curbside delivery a few times and a few other low or no contact errands but that’s it. The 2-3 delivery people would be masked in my home for about an hour, and I would stay in a different room masked for most of that time. Positive test rates in my area are hovering around 10% but trending down. Would you do it, and if so, what extra precautions would you take?

    • Anonymous

      I am fairly conservative about Covid, but I would be okay with this. I would insist that everyone wear a mask and move quickly to the area they need to be in, emphasizing that you have a health condition so they take you more seriously. I would then either stay in a different room or, better yet, sit outside while they work. I would also open all the windows and stay outside for at least an hour after they’ve left.

    • Anon

      For me, it would depend — do you think your area is getting things under control so that you can wait a month or two? Or do you think it’s just going to get worse? What are your other exercise options (aka how close is this to a “need” on a want-need spectrum?

      If I did it, I would want to ventilate the room very well, have your husband accept the delivery and do anything needed to supervise set up, and leave the room with a window open for a day or two after.

      • OP

        That’s a good question. I have a Peloton bike so I definitely don’t “need” the treadmill, but I do enjoy the variety and my husband would use it too. Running outside is tough about half the year because of extreme humidity July-Sep or cold and darkness Dec-Feb. Admittedly I am a bit of a fair weather runner.

          • Anon

            I’ve heard that they aren’t delivering into the house given COVID. They’re assembling and leaving in the driveway. You may want to look in to what the procedure is for your area.

    • blueberries

      I’m similar to you, and assuming the treadmill is just nice to have, I would wait until the case positive rate is below 5% and I’m comfortable with the number of cases. I’d also keep windows/doors open, have a fan going, etc.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Would it really take an hour to deliver? When we got ours about a decade ago, I feel like the delivery was really quick. A treadmill should be able to be moved in within a matter of minutes, unless yours needs to be assembled in some way?

      I would be okay with this, especially if you can isolate in a different room and don’t have to interact with the delivery people. Ask them to wear masks and I think you’re fine.

      • OP

        Yes. It is huge and has to be brought in in 3 pieces and assembled in the room. I know there are others that are small and can be moved easier, but I tested this particular model and so want to stick with this one if I do it. Alternatively I could have it delivered to the garage so they don’t come in my house, but it’s
        not heated or cooled so kind of defeats the purpose for me.

    • Anonymous

      I would not hesitate to do this. I’d wear a mask and wipe down surfaces after they left but I wouldn’t be worried at all.

    • Anne

      I would do this but I would leave the house for the entire time, have my husband just handle it masked and socially distant, have A LOT of ventilation in your home, and have a fan going strong in the area where they are. I think its worth it IMHO.

    • Anonymous

      Agree with the above. Open the windows in the room, you stay outside if you can (or in another room) and clean all the touch surfaces after. Assuming masks are a given. My current understanding is that risk of transmission through surfaces is very low no non existent.

    • Cat

      Yes, I would do it. My husband and I are not high risk, so we would probably just open the windows but otherwise be in the same room with the workers as needed (all masked).

      The prior posters’ suggestions of ways to build on that (keeping the windows open but not entering the gym for a few days, adding a fan, and you leaving the house entirely if possible) would make me even more comfortable.

    • Anon

      I have what I suspect is a similar condition based on your description and I would feel comfortable with this as long as they were both masked (and you are too) and you had all the windows in the house open the entire time. I’m in a hotspot.

    • Anonymous

      Can you have them deliver it to your doorstep but then move it in and assemble it yourselves without voiding a warrantee or something? If not, I think you could do it but I would open windows and put in fans so you know the air is moving. I would also be prepared to ask them to pull their masks up over their noses, and realize they may remove them while you are out of the room. We had a fridge delivered in June and the workers were not wearing their masks properly the whole time, and I didn’t feel comfortable saying anything. (And we’re in NYC, where mask compliance is relatively high).

      • The Lone Ranger

        I have a treadmill on order (different brand) and am very high risk. Company will deliver to door step and dh and son will assemble for me. My understanding from talking to the customer service reps is that assembly by untrained people shouldn’t take more than 60 minutes.

    • Anonymous

      Do you live in a house or with anyone beneath you? If you have a downstairs neighbor, I feel like unless you add TONS of padding underneath where it is, you will annoy the crap out of a downstairs neighbor. These things are never “as advertised” for any noise-absorbtion and quietness claims.

        • Anon

          I disagree. Sometimes we all get caught up in purchases and then regret the impact we have on our house or neighbors. It’s not a big deal for OP to ignore this if it’s not relevant to her, but if she had come back with “oh huh I didn’t think of that,” it would certainly be helpful.

          • Anon

            Do you not take your neighbors into account when you buy exercise equipment (assuming you live in an apartment)? Different strokes, then, but there’s no need to come here and call people unhelpful for no reason. Of course some people will take any excuse to be nasty, but don’t let that be you.

          • Anona

            You’re bringing a negative attitude by assuming she’s inconsiderate to her neighbors. I know you’re trying to be helpful but I don’t think trying to find flaws in others is accomplishing that.

          • Anon

            I’m not the Anonymous at 10:11 who started this thread, though. I’m merely defending her from the person who wanted to swoop in with “congrats you’re dumb” since I think that brings down the tone of this site and because I could see the point of the original comment. You don’t have to agree with us, but we’re all entitled to share an opinion.

    • LaurenB

      The risk here is to the delivery people who go into strange homes. Not to you. Wear a mask, go outside while they set up, sanitize the doorknobs etc if they touch them, maybe don’t touch the equipment for a day afterwards. But really, I’m very conservative re Covid and I would easily do this. I’ve had repairmen in and that’s what we do.

      • Anonymous

        Um, it’s risk to BOTH of you. Those people who are in everyone’s homes––are then in her home and she is health compromised, which also changes the “not to you” risk dynamic. It’s tough enough right now for folks with health conditions without gas lighting.

        (Personally, I think delivery with all the measures mentioned sounds relatively safe, but that can be said without dismissing the poster’s legit concern.)

    • hi hi hi

      Sounds like someone is getting the Peloton Tread. :)

      I had my bike delivered in May and it went fine (obviously most of the assembly took place before they entered). What ultimately has kept me from getting the Tread is not really COVID but (i) it is really loud,like all treadmills and (ii) Peloton is likely going to offer a cheaper version before 9/30.

      • OP

        Hello fellow Pelotoner. I saw that also, but I heard it won’t be the same slat system and that is what I like so much about this treadmill. I tried it in store in the fall and it was awesome.

        • hi hi hi

          I’m keen to not try it at all to keep myself from wanting it more. :) ENJOY!!!

  4. anon

    I am also not great at making friends. I have lots of acquaintances, but not a ton of friends. How do people go from acquaintance to friend, especially in these weird times?

    • socially distant in all ways

      Oof. I don’t know, but I’m hoping others will share because I’m in the same boat.

    • BeenThatGuy

      I’ll share with you the same idea that I share with my 12 year old son how has a hard time making friends…you have to put yourself out there. I encourage him to text someone new every few days. Someone he knows but maybe doesn’t normally hang out with. Something as simple as “what’s up” can unfold into a larger conversation. And when the timing is right another text with “want to meet up and ride bikes” is sent. If they say no, they say no. Don’t take it personally and ask again in a few weeks. Translate this into adult activities like a coffee or walk (obviously socially distant or whatever your comfort zone is). Putting yourself out there is hard, no doubt, but it’s the only way to do it.

      • Anonymous

        You’re a great mom—I wish my own parents taught me this. Seriously was like post-college before I learned I didn’t have to wait to be invited and could be the initiator. I still don’t do enough of this in my friend group. Probably would help in work life, too, given the importance of a strong network.

        • anon

          Same here. I missed out on so many opportunities in college because I was always waiting around to be asked, which is silly.

    • Anonymous

      I think friendship is built on trust, vulnerability and empathy. Take a read through some of Brene Brown’s books.

      • Anon

        I do not mean to turn this into a thread about romantic relationships, but I really want to share something my therapist is having me work on: vulnerability with desired partners. She said as women, we’re too quick to fall into how society warns us we’ll look “crazy” but at the end of the day, treat romantic partners the way you treat any other friend in your life. We (me) have this mental block (thanks, too many Cosmo articles???) about going the extra mile with someone I’m interested in because of how I will be perceived…and there’s some childhood trauma in there too. If you’d fight for that friendship, fight for that partner too. All people respond to openness and vulnerability, and I’ve learned my lesson to treat the person I’m interested how I would want a friend to treat me before it’s too late!

        Echoing everything else about opening up to then change the dynamic of a friendship. If you are vulnerable with someone, they will in turn know they can be vulnerable with you.

    • AG

      Most of my friends have been made when one of us opens up and is vulnerable with the other. Confide to the level you are comfortable with to someone you believe could become a friend.

      Something as small as “I have been struggling with “x” and I’ve always admired how you “y”. How do you do it?”

      • Anon

        This is essential. People respond to vulnerability and weirdly, they also respond to you asking them for favors. Don’t be afraid to ask an acquaintance for a small favor because it could actually help, not hinder.

        • Anon

          This has been proven in psych studies! If you ask someone for a favor and they do it, they’re more likely to view you as a closer friend. I guess it’s part of how we rationalize our own behavior, like I wouldn’t have done that unless someone was a good person / a good friend and I did it sooo they must be a good person / good friend.

    • Anon

      Making and keeping friends comes easily to me. It didn’t always, though. It’s something I’ve worked on, and now I feel like it has really paid off. Here are the things I do:

      1. I reach out proactively to make plans. But I also watch to see how the other person reacts and what they need. Some people like more frequent texting. Others are more down for a quarterly in-person 3-hour dinner. I adjust my expectations accordingly.

      2. I show up. If the person matters to me, I’ll be at their wedding, their birthday party, their stand-up show, whatever. I also don’t commit to stuff and then bail. If I say I’ll be there, I am THERE. And if I can’t make it, I’m clear about that up front. No flakiness, no noncommittal behavior. People know what to expect from me and I am true to my word.

      3. I remember birthdays. It’s a small thing, but I think it matters! I keep them all in my Google calendar so I can send a card, text or gift for a friend’s special day.

      4. I remember details about their lives and share things that made me think of them — articles, a text pic of a new restaurant opening they might like, invites to events they could be interested in. Even now in the age of COVID, there are virtual events and it’s easier than ever to share a link and tell a friend, “Hey, I’m going to this and thought you might be interested.”

      5. With acquaintances or newer friends, I take the pressure off of lower-stakes activities. If I find something I want to do, I sign up for it and then I invite a friend knowing that I’ll go either way. I don’t let the friend’s response determine whether or not I’m going to do the thing. I think this is huge. It takes the pressure off the other person and also means my social life is not dependent on their decision.

      6. Know the difference between deeper friendships and more acquaintance-type relationships and invest your time accordingly—but also know that friendships change over time and allow space for that. Today’s tennis partner could become a close friend in a year or two. The friend you currently feel really close to could move away or switch to a new life stage that you can’t identify with. There’s room in life for so many types of friendships and that’s the beauty of them: they can evolve. No matter who you are, where you live, how old you are, there will always be someone looking for a friend at this particular time in their life. Someone is out there (lots of someones!) looking for you! You just have to put yourself out there.

      It’s a bit like dating in that you have to cast a wide net and lower your expectations at the beginning, but when you do find a good one, know when to put in more time and energy to make it something that sticks.

      I hope this helps!

      • Anon

        One more thing. I agree with putting yourself out there and making the first move, but also (again like dating!) look for reciprocity after a few times of getting together. If you’re not getting it, invest your energy into other people. You eventually want to get into a pattern where certain people are “sticky” and develop a pattern of reaching out to you as well. If they don’t reach out, don’t take it personally. Some people have a lot going on and genuinely can’t make the effort. Others may not like you as much as you like them or want to see you as often as you want to see them. But it doesn’t matter why—the lack of reciprocity is its own answer. Again, like dating! Doesn’t matter what’s in the guy’s head if he doesn’t get back to you. Just the fact that he didn’t get back to you is enough and tells you you need to move on.

        It may take some time, but you’ll get there!

        • Ellen

          I read the thread about billeables in light of Covid 19. If your firm will let you get by on 1400 hours, are you talking about what, a full year? How can that be an issue? Even now, I am on track to do 5000, and that is a 50% drop from last year (7500). I literally will be able to hit this as long as we start defending new cases, and since people are back working,they will be filing new WC cases and the manageing partner told me sto start billing up the wahzoo to meet my 5000 for the year. Once I do, I will get a $25K bonus and a $25K increase in my draw for 2020. So that is my story and I am sticking with it! YAY!!!!

    • Allie

      To some extent pretending we are friendlier than we are has helped for me. For example, I started remotely at a new company during this pandemic and have become actual friends with one of my new coworkers, in large part because we’ve pretty honest with each other about work issues (she started around the same time as me) and also texted about industry gossip. I think another important step is inviting them somewhere outside of where you usually meet them – whether its church or work or yoga class or with a particular group of friends – so that you get moved from the “friend in only that place” category or friend overall.

      It’s hard to make friends! It feels so much like dating tbh.

    • Allie

      Also if you have a (small) problem, don’t be afraid to ask for help. And if they have a problem, offer it in a non-pressured way. At least text them your good thoughts. I’m sure there are exceptions to all of these, but this is what my mom taught me and what’s worked for me, and my mom and sister both recently said I have the innate social IQ of a peanut, which is probably true.

    • Anon Friend

      This is all great advice! I would also add that mixing your friend/acquaintance groups can help to cement friendships over time. I think people appreciate the vulnerability of seeing other parts of your life, and having friendquaintences meet can help bring people closer. For example, there’s a woman I went to grad school with ten years ago, and while we’ve always gotten along well, we’d never made it to being more than people who really enjoy running into each other at mutual friends’ parties. At a larger party I threw a few years ago, she really hit it off with two close friends of mine, and now the four of us hang out regularly. It turns out that they were the glue, and I’m so glad that I didn’t write her off just because we never got a good one-on-one pattern going.

    • Anon

      I don’t have advice but I’m in the same boat. I haven’t made a new friend, even a casual one, since college and I don’t live anywhere near my high school or college friends. I have acquaintances through work and my kids’ daycare but have never turned any of those acquaintances into friends. I don’t need a BFF (although I would welcome one) but I really wish I had someone to see a movie with or go shopping with (in normal times).

  5. Anon - Gesture for Boss' Kids

    I’m not usually a fan of gifting up, but I think this situation may be different. Would love takes on what would be appropriate to do and any ideas for small gifts for kids ages 5-10.

    My boss has three young kids (5, 7 and 9 I believe) and the youngest has seizures. I know she had one in early June, and he has been going to weekly doctor’s appointments with her since then. This week we had a board meeting and our earnings call is next week (I’m the 34 act lawyer), so this is not a week he would usually be out of the office, but he is, and I believe he is at the hospital with her. (He had planned to be out this week which was surprising to me, once referencing “vacation” and once referencing “doctor’s appointments” but on calls this week it’s been clear he is in the hospital). He has been working constantly the past few months so the stress must be insane.

    I’d like to give him something from our legal team that shows we are thinking of him, and was thinking about giving something small to all three kids. It’s more about the gesture than anything else, so I’m open to a card, etc. We have never met his kids or family so I wouldn’t be able to personalize it to the kids very much.

    • Anon

      The child might be having a scheduled EEG which could go on for days or weeks. In other words, maybe more diagnostic than acute illness. HOWEVER, that is still very stressful. If I were going through that again, meal deliveries to the hospital (or to the family remaining at home) would be amazing. I’m thinking of an Ubereats gift card or something similar.

    • anne-on

      I’d suggest some sort of food delivery gift card, ideally to a place that is remotely healthy – a fruit box or platter would be my ideal – hospital food is not great and they still have to feed the kids. For individual kids maybe some small toy they can play with quietly in the hospital – wiki sticks, a jacobs ladder, stickers, crayons/marker packs, madlibs, etc. – this had lots of good ideas.
      https://themomedit.com/travel-toys-for-kids/

    • Sloan Sabbith

      Food gift card so they can get food delivered to the hospital. Hands down, best option. Don’t get them a basket- get them something they can choose for themselves and don’t have to manage like a physical object.

      For the kids, especially the hospitalized kiddo, think about stuff that they can do quietly while admitted but that don’t require consistent space (so, not a puzzle or craft kit that can’t easily be moved). Things like coloring books or activity books, open ended legos (not kits), jewelry making kit (can be done in bed and put away easily), and a selection of books (or the beginning of a really.long.series so the parents can go get more).

    • Anonymous

      I was hospitalized for a few weeks last year and really appreciated cards and food delivery. There are a lot of rules about flowers now – they weren’t permitted on my floor. Food was appreciated because I had tasty snacks to offer visitors.

      Also, a tea sampler or high quality instant coffee. Often the only tea/coffee available in or near the hospital is not great. It made a huge difference to make myself a nice cup of tea (the way I would at home) rather than having the Liptons knock off tea served by the hospital.

      You mentioned your boss has a few kids – you could consider some easy card games to play at the hospital. Uno, Monopoly Deal, Spot It. Hospital days are long and it is nice to have something to pass the time.

    • Carrie

      I was in your exact situation.

      My boss had 3 kids, one suddenly diagnosed with seizure disorder and in the hospital. Much stress.

      Our group pitched in a few bucks and got the boy and unusual stuffed animal. A shark. The guys in the group picked it out. It was given to him in the hospital. He slept with that shark for the next decade and never forgot it. He didn’t normally sleep with stuffed animals and being given it as a gift in the hospital and being “cool” give him license to sleep/cuddly it as he needed to. We all could use a stuffed animal in the hospital!!!

      An edible food item for all kids/family is also a great idea. Those chocolate covered fruit edible arrangements have usually been a hit.

      • anne-on

        Tearing up at this, so sweet.
        Also, perhaps you can make a small donation to the children’s wing itself? When our kiddo had surgery and was released the hospital had a toy chest and every ‘graduate’ (discharged patient) got to pick out a toy. We donate toys to the same hospital nearly every year now, and our son still remembers and talks about how much his toy cheered him up.

      • anon

        Hopefully this won’t get missed because it’s such a late response, but I had a similar experience as the recipient. I am not religious though was raised “culturally” Christian (celebrated Christmas and Easter, went to various churches over the years but nothing consistent). When I had cancer in my early 20s and had a very significant surgery (12 hours), a family friend/neighbor gifted me a small pink quilt (it wasn’t even truly a quilt, just some fabric quilted together) that was made by her Catholic congregation. It meant so much to me and I still have it. It had a pretty consistent place in my home for more than 10 years, though I’ve now put it away. It’s quite small and has very little true utility. But it was a bit pop of color and hominess in the hospital room and then on my bed while I recovered. I think a similar sweet object for the sick child, along with activity books for all three children sounds like a very sweet gesture. You could, but I don’t think need to, pair it with a gift card for food delivery.

    • anon

      I would get a fun activity/board game for the youngest – I agree with Uno, one of those 3 in 1 lego sets, a neutral activity book plus a box of markers, etc, a pack of cards (they make sets that have games like Crazy 8s, old maid etc). Monopoly deal is too advanced for that age, but might be good for the older two (who presumably are at home), or any other regular board game (battleship, settlers of catan for kids, clue, etc).

      Also agree with food delivery gift card.

  6. Anon

    How do you improve your work ethic? I used to be a hard worker who was promoted on a fast track because of it. Now that I’ve been promoted (about 6 months ago) my productivity is nonexistent.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Two things:
      Could this be burnout?
      The last six months have been … rough. Are you sure you’re not asking too much of yourself?

    • Moonstone

      I second the idea that these are not normal times. I have been a hard worker/high performer for 30 years and yesterday I spent 30 minutes of work time on YouTube watching clips from Flight of the Conchords. But, more practically, try to set external deadlines with deliverables that will keep you moving forward even on bad days. If I have a meeting with Guacamole Bob in Accounting to show him my analysis/business plan/schedule a week from Tuesday, I know I have to work on it for at least 10 hours in advance of that meeting.

      • Anonanonanon2

        ^This. When I fall into a rut like that from burnout or whatever, I set external deadlines that I will have to live up to.

    • Anon

      Same here. I have always been a hard worker with a strong work ethic, but I hate WFH and have bad anxiety and miss the structure of my pre-covid life, and these days it takes tremendous energy to send a basic email. No advice, but you are really not alone right now.

      • Anon

        Ugh yes definitely not alone, I’m the same way. I normally love wfh but not with everyone else around me and no chance to ever leave my house. It’s hard to see myself not produce the high levels of work that I pride myself on, but honestly I’m swimming so hard upstream at this point that I should be proud I’m even (slightly) moving forward.

    • YUP

      +1 to all of this, and agreeing with everyone else that these are not normal times. I’ve found it helpful to inject urgency into my day, even if it’s silly. For example, I’ll schedule my workouts in the morning “too close” to my first meeting of the day so that I have to hustle to get showered. Or I’ll take a walk around the block between meetings that’s just a touch longer than it should be, so that I have to walk a little faster to ensure I dial into the meeting on time. It sounds dumb, but it really helps me feel motivated because I’ve forced some urgency into the day. I will say that I also just got a promotion and moved to another team while we’re all WFH, and it’s taken longer that I expected to really understand and settle into the role. So it could be that your learning curve is a bit longer than usual or your work has changed enough that you’re still getting into a productive routine.

    • Anon

      Thanks. I also needed this today–glad to know we’re all having similar issues. Take care and socially distanced hugs to all who are struggling right now.

      • Anon for this

        +1 I got a promotion a few months before we started WFH and I’ve never been so non-productive. I have been beating myself up about it, so it is so good to see these comments and to understand we should give ourselves some grace during these unprecedented times.

    • Anon

      Glad to know it’s not just me. I’m likely
      burnout but just need to push through and get my old work ethic back. I have leave planned for August, which will be great.

      Everyone at my office was put through the ringer this year, but others have managed to bounce back and I really, really need to step up my game too.

    • Anon

      Sympathizing with productivity struggles. Billable hours have been excruciating during this pandemic.

        • Anonymous

          + 1. There should be a billing code for completely understandable COVID freak outs, and for having to do totally stressful and time consuming PEP covered COVID errands. Then I would hit my numbers.

          • babybiglaw

            My firm actually has a code for this (non-billable, of course). DC. Biglaw.

        • Ellen

          You do NOT want to stop working hard, b/c in this environment, they will cull you out and fire you if others are producing more. Get motivated and convince yourself that if you do more, you will have more exposure to the senior manageing partner and you will get better reviews and could meet someone through work that could lead to more (as you define it). We dont want to get a reputation of slacking off once we hit a certain level. Otherwise we will never lead the firm. I am on track now to be the manageing partner, sooner then I thought b/c of the pandemic. The manageing partner has told me it is my job to loose, meaning that I get it unless I mess up, and that now can be as soon as the end of 2021! So go for it and keep your tuchus moving! YAY!

    • Ellen

      You do NOT want to stop working hard, b/c in this environment, they will cull you out and fire you if others are producing more. Get motivated and convince yourself that if you do more, you will have more exposure to the senior manageing partner and you will get better reviews and could meet someone through work that could lead to more (as you define it). We dont want to get a reputation of slacking off once we hit a certain level. Otherwise we will never lead the firm. I am on track now to be the manageing partner, sooner then I thought b/c of the pandemic. The manageing partner has told me it is my job to loose, meaning that I get it unless I mess up, and that now can be as soon as the end of 2021! So go for it and keep your tuchus moving! YAY!

  7. No Face

    I’m planning for the fall and winter. What’s better, a fire pit or one of those propane heat lamp things that restaurants have?

    • Anonymous

      All depends on what you envision using it for. I have a propane heat lamp and it certainly kicks of heat, and i think better heat than a fire pit. BUT, it doesn’t have any ambiance like looking at a fire does.

    • AnonATL

      For heat or fun? I find fire pits more entertaining, but you also have to actually put wood in them and keep them going and started.
      For just sitting outside and having a heat source, those propane heaters are great. You just flip a switch.
      There are some “fire table” type things that are a good compromise. You get the low maintenance instant flame but more visually appealing.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I think the heat lamps throw more heat (and won’t leave you smelling smoky from a fire). I’m getting a heat lamp for colder weather.

    • Cat

      Better for actual warmth and ease of use – restaurant style heat lamp
      Better for aesthetics – fire pit

      • Senior Attorney

        We have both and I agree with this. Also if you get a fire pit and are planning on staying in your house for a while, it is stupidly expensive but completely worth it to have a gas line brought in so that all you have to do is turn it on without worrying about propane or wood.

      • Anon

        This is fantastic … and the description says that you can do s’mores, which, let’s be honest, is high on my list of reasons to have a fire pit. Is that true? If so, I’m 100% on board for this.

    • The original Scarlett

      I’d do both, but if starting with one, a propane firepit. Firepits don’t throw off a ton of heat, but they’re lovely to sit around. Heat lamps are more directed at one person and can get too hot for one, cold for others. I’d supplement a firepit with a heat lamp or two for chillier nights, but I wouldn’t do a heat lamp in the absence of a firepit. (We have both, regularly use the firepit, rarely turn on the supplemental heat lamps but might start in fall as outdoor cocktails continue to be the form for socializing)

      • The original Scarlett

        PS – having spent a ton of time researching firepits, my suggestions are to look for: no assembly, handles fire glass not just lava rock (glass looks prettier), propane, hidden tank, I prefer a table style so you can rest a drink and snacks)

    • anonshmanon

      Just adding this additional factor: a wood fire pit is environmentally better than burning propane (unless you have easy access to biogas, which I believe is not very common in the US).

      • asthmatic

        Burning wood is quite bad for the lungs of people in the neighborhood, though, especially young children and people with lung conditions.

        • anonshmanon

          Quite right, I should have been more precise. I meant only the CO2 emissions. Which is just one factor among many.

      • Anon

        Yeah, burning wood is TERRIBLE from an air pollution perspective. I used to live by people who had a fire pit and it was really miserable for my asthmatic lungs- our whole house would fill up with smoke. If you get a fire pit, please get a gas one.

    • Anonymous

      I hate my built in fire pit. I want to rip it out. It’s messy (leftover charred wood), the smell is too strong for me in a residential neighborhood. I vote propane heat lamp all the way.

    • asthmatic

      if you have neighbors, propane please. neighbors burning wood is tough on my lungs.

    • No Face

      Excellent comments as always! I’ll need to decide if I care about warmth or ambiance more. My only socializing is inviting people to my patio for socially distant chit chat and I don’t want that to end when it gets cold. Thanks ladies.

    • LeeB

      Propane. Our neighbors behind us have a fire pit and we often have to close all of the windows in the back of our house because of the the smokey smell. I love a good fire, but having my house smell like a campsite is not great.

    • Anon

      Propane fire feature. Wood pits seem nice but the smoke gets in your eyes, which is only romantic in a song.

  8. Car buying question

    I can’t find the answer to this question on Google, but I figured one of you wise ladies might know!

    I’m going to be buying a new car in the next few weeks, and I plan to pay cash. I know I’ll need a cashier’s check – but how does this actually work? I can’t get the check before I find the car and negotiate b/c I’ll need the exact price – so will the dealer be willing to hold the car for me for 1-2 days while I get the check from the bank?

    Sorry if this is a dumb question but I haven’t purchased a car since 2005 and I financed that one, so this is new territory for me.

      • AnonATL

        Same. I wrote a check and they just ran a quick credit check to basically make sure I was good for it
        Otherwise, you could go during business hours, agree on a price, and then go to the bank and back. They’ll hold the car for you once you sign on the line.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I assume you’re buying from a dealership? I’ve been able to pay using a debit/credit card or a regular check.

    • Anon

      We paid with a credit card (yay, points!) and then paid off the card. Idk if that’s an option for you; we did it through one of those trendy buy-a-car-online companies several years ago.

    • Anon

      I also paid with a regular check, not cashier’s, but I think they would hold the car for you. Dealerships are in the business of keeping customers happy until the sale is made. Is it a super desirable car that will sell overnight? If not, you’re completely fine.

    • Anonymous

      My dealer required a cashiers check and I just did it all in one day – picked out the car I wanted, got the check, and brought it back that night.

    • Car buying question

      Thanks, all!

      Yes, buying through a dealership. Will bring debit/credit cards and checkbook and call it a day.

      If you have any other tips or tricks, please feel free to share!

      • Layla

        What car are you buying? My only advice would be to avoid excess warranties-feel like I got duped by those in the past. Highly recommend buying a certified pre-owned vehicle if not new-I’ve been happy with the certified pre-owned Toyota’s I’ve bought. I may be inclined to purchase it with a credit card vs. check in case there is an issue and your card issuer would potentially go to bat for you.

        • Car buying question

          The plan is to buy a certified pre-owned Subaru Forester, 2-3 years old.

          • Carrie

            What a smart plan. Great purchase, perfect age. Agree with the certified pre-owned.

            Enjoy. Well done!

          • Carrie

            The only recommendation I have is to buy at the end of the month. Sometimes they are more desperate to move cars, so their monthly numbers look good.

            And if you have a trade in, sometimes you can negotiate getting more on that vs. lower price on the car (which are usually already at a low margin). They always low ball you on the trade in value. When we traded in my Mom’s toyota camry (older but great condition) for example, they only gave her like $1500 for it, but then they turned around and sold it for over $6000. We didn’t realize.

          • Coach Laura

            My adult daughter bought a Certified Pre-owned 2019 Subaru Forester last weekend. Got great deal. 11,000 miles. Owned by a dealership employee, so 100% serviced there, on time etc. Still under some original warranty plus 100,000 dealership warranty. It looks brand new.

        • Senior Attorney

          However I would absolutely advise getting the warranty on your tires. When you drive the car off the lot, everything is under warranty but the tires, and I have picked up a nail in a brand new tire more than once. I have had THREE very expensive tires replaced for a small deductible on my current car in the two years I’ve owned it.

    • Elderlyunicorn

      Stay hydrated, bring a snack and a book. Even though you’re paying cash, expect to spend longer than you expect with the money guy.

    • Anon

      I wrote a check but they had to run a credit check and grant me contingent credit in case the check bounced. As a matter of fact, my credit is frozen due to repeated identity theft, so they had to put the car in my husband’s name and run the credit check on him alone. It was all very frustrating. And now I own a car that isn’t even in my name.

  9. IL

    I’m in the final steps of buying a new house and it’s lovely – but the master closet is a blank slate. No rods, no shelves, nothing. Just a large-ish space with a window on the far wall. What features would you suggest having/what have you loved or hated in your own spaces?

    And relatedly, any suggestions on where to buy/who to hire to do this task among national chains? The house is in a small town in New England.

    • Anon

      I absolutely loved my Elfa system in my last place. After I put it in, I realized I wanted to make some tweaks and was able to adjust everything perfectly.

    • anne-on

      You may want to ask your realtor/neighbors. I found a ‘closet guy’ through word of mouth who was able to customize all of our closets for significantly less than elfa/container store/etc. I’d think hard about how you want to use it. Do you want ALL of your clothes in the closet? Then you’ll need drawers/cabinets and not just hanging/shoe storage. Do you actually want to get dressed in there? Then you will also probably want a bench/valet rod/mirror/good lighting. Etc.
      I have a friend with a HUGE walk in closet and she also has a separate makeup area, which in my dream house, would be amazing! If you have room for that you may also. want to make sure there are outlets to plug in beauty tools.

    • JTM

      We actually used a local closet company who made the pieces custom & it was cheaper than doing California Closets/Container Store. Here’s what we had done in our custom closet:
      – Upper & lower hanging sections for tops & bottoms.
      -2 sections with drawers and shelving
      -Shelving for shoes
      – A narrow tall section for hanging robes & dresses

      I really love our drawer+shelving section in the closet, it allowed us to not have dressers in our bedroom so we have space for other furniture.

    • Anon

      If you’re in a small town, I’d encourage you to check out any local/regional closet businesses. This sounds like an ideal way to support small business right now and even though the Container Store has a nice Elfa system, they don’t need your dollars in the same way.

    • SSJD

      Make sure to have both hanging space and drawers installed. I like having a small rod hung high, for long skirts/dresses. This is in addition to the larger section of the closet with rods above (shoulder height) and below (knee height) which both hold for shorter items such as shirts, pants, suits.

      Drawers can be built in or movable. If you want the drawers to be flexible, you can use something portable (we had elfa drawers in a previous closet that were freestanding rather than installed).

      In my current closet I have a lovely built in dresser with small drawers lined with velvet; it’s perfect for jewelry.

      We have a window in our closet and it’s delightful. Think a bit before choosing your window treatment: Will you need privacy from that window? Will you ever need darkness? If only privacy and not darkness, consider frosting the window (there are low cost ways using sticky liner or high cost ways). But don’t do that if you want to be able to see the scenery outside. Instead, consider something gauzy that lets light in and can be moved aside when desired. If you will want privacy and also sometimes control over how much light is coming in, I recommend blinds of some type. I recently discovered Delia Shades and am dreaming of installing one in my closet (for privacy but not light reduction)!

      High up in our closet there are open shelves where I store small suitcases, a big box containing my wedding dress, hat boxes. It’s nice to have open space up there for seldom-used items.

      If you have the space, add a bench or small chair. It’s great to be able to sit down in a walk-in-closet to put on pants, shoes, etc.

      • Maudie Atkinson

        My custom closet–also done by a local place and not a national chain–sounds very similar, and I’m having the same company install a similar system in my new house, where I also have enough space for a small bench. Having lived with out it, I second the recommendation for a small area to sit if you can fit it.
        Mostly, though I love, love, love, having drawers in there. It would not have been worthwhile to me to only have hanging areas and shelving. The drawers eliminated the need for a dresser or other storage furniture in my bedroom, leaving my bedroom with a much more spacious look and feel.
        In both my old house and the design for the new house, there is a double stack of drawers. I’d suggest considering that even if you’re single, for resale value if nothing else. I happily spread out across both stacks when I was single! Also, like SSJD, I have (and LOVE) my jewelry storage. One drawer in each stack is for jewelry and has velvet-lined nesting trays inside. Those drawers lock with a hidden magnetic lock, so in the event someone is up to no good, there’s no lock to broadcast “Here is where the truly valuable things are!”
        I would recommend building in an open space that functions like the top of a dresser or vanity might. I use that for my perfume, a ring dish, and displaying a couple of framed pictures. The space feels beautiful and personal, as well as functional.
        The only other thing I’d recommend is to take advantage of every square inch of space, and that means thoughtful shelving up high and consideration of floor space below. I have open shelving for luggage, like SSJD, but also some smaller cubbies for off-season shoes and seldom-used bags. As for the floor, I accounted for clearance of hanging items and enough space (height and width) for my preferred hamper.

      • Caroline

        I got an Elfa system from the Container Store (no good local options), and my favorite thing is a shallow but wide drawer for earrings, with appropriate inserts. Seeing all my earrings neat and visible at the same time is a game-changer. Necklaces are hung on hooks on the wall so I can see those, too.

    • Anonymous

      I am a huge fan of having portable, heavy-duty metal clothing racks instead of fixed rods. They are so much sturdier and can be easily moved around to say, put out-of-season clothes to one side or to the back. I have had too many rods break and create wall damage. Depending on your layout, you may still want to have a wraparound upper shelf for baskets and boxes, etc., and you can slide these racks underneath. Wayfair has some great ones (one or two rod) in varying heights so just make sure any upper shelving is tall enough. I also have tallish rolling racks for shoes. I love them for the same reasons.

    • IL

      Thanks for all the tips!

      We are definitely checking out local options, but have struck out with Yelp/NextDoor for recommendations. It’s just not an area with a lot of retail options beyond the big box stores. I am leaning towards shelves/drawers as I’ve had both and find them really useful. But I’m also intrigued by the rolling racks idea for easy cleaning/reorganizing. Good point about getting two sets of drawers – I wouldn’t have thought about that.

      And if you can’t tell, the hardest bit is to figure out what to do with the window. I’m weighing putting a bench underneath it, but I’m also worried it will end up buried under a pile of cast-offs. Those Delia shades are very pretty, and might be perfect for a different spot!

    • anon

      If you have space (and patience for assembly), the Pax closet system from Ikea is wonderful and very customizable.

  10. Anonymous

    I’m having a Covid test this morning – I’m the one who posted earlier this week re: nerves about the test procedure. I’ll update after but wanted to say thank you to those who assured me that I’ll get through it – my state still uses the really long swab – your anecdotes and comparisons (at least it’s not a pap!) made me feel better.

    • Anon

      Please update us! I’m the one that was putting off a medical procedure due to my fear. I confirmed that my facility still uses the long ones. I’m tentatively scheduled for October. Tentatively meaning I may still cancel if they make me do the long swab test but I’d love to hear your experience. Maybe I’ll woman up. I’m also going to try to get them to accept the results of the short swab my local CVS is doing.

      • Anonanonanon2

        It is unpleasantI but over quickly. You have 100% endured worse. I would classify it as discomfort, not pain.

      • Anon

        Understood. I was hopeful that the requirement would be over if I postponed a couple times but it doesn’t look like COVID is going anywhere. This isn’t urgent to me.

      • Carrie

        I am one of many that thinks a PAP smear is much more uncomfortable. And mammograms are much worse.

        Why not ask your doctor for one pill of Ativan to relax you before hand? I don’t usually recommend this, but often do for MRI/claustrophobia issues, but your anxiety seems so disproportionate. I hope you are also treating your anxiety appropriately long term. It can be better!

    • Op

      Update – it wasn’t comfortable but it was totally fine. I told the efficient military nurses that I was really nervous and they immediately reassured me that it would be quick (which it was – maybe 20 seconds total, not 20 sec per side). They told me to grip the steering wheel of my car, which I think helped distract me/focus energy elsewhere. Someone on this board compared it to getting soda pop up their nose and I’d say that was about right, not comfortable, but over quickly and they were super kind and understanding. I’ve had bad “routine” procedures in the past, and if my results came back inconclusive (my state has had a few batches get misplaced…) I would 100% do it again. I brought Kleenex and pinched/blew my nose after, also got some fancy coffee to sip after it was done. Good luck to those who are considering getting tested!

  11. Anon

    Hey everyone. I’m looking for a bit or relationship advice. I think the answer is just to give my husband some grace and space. We have been happily married for 15 years. No kids. Both working from home for the pandemic. Lots of space and outdoor space. Basically, as ideal of a pandemic situation as one can get.

    I’ve noticed lately that my husband has been quite grumpy when I ask him to help me with anything and now is seeming annoyed anytime I talk to him. Granted, sometimes that’s during the work day and I’ve tried to make an effort to not interrupt when he’s busy but other times he’s just sitting at his desk watching TV but sighs when he has to pause it for me to say something. I’ll admit, my conversations are rather mundane – just chatting about something annoying a coworker did. I’ve invited him to chat with me about the same. I think part of it is our work styles. My office stops to chat all the time. He is more the lock himself in his office all day type at work.

    We have talked about the issue a couple of times. The first time he admitted to being grumpy (the kayak incident) and couldn’t really explain why. He said the pandemic is just getting to him and he’s upset about not booking travel for some upcoming milestones and some other stuff. I understood and gave him space. Unrelated, I was actually at my elderly parents house for a few days out of state last week as they needed some assistance so he had a few days without me. We had a Facetime call and something related to his work was in the news and my parents wanted to ask him about it and he had zero desire to talk about it. He was bordering on rude. I asked him about it later and figured maybe they weren’t allowed to talk about it. He said he just didn’t feel like talking about work (which deals with politics), there was no prohibition.

    Today when I asked re: the sighing when he paused the TV, he said we’ve just been in the same house for 5 months straight. The thing is, I’m not getting sick of him at all and I’m a bit offended (though I guess it is normal) that he’s getting sick of me.

    He doesn’t seem interested in doing stuff with me like taking walks or going to our local (deserted) beach but if our neighbors want to come, then he wants to go. I get that he’s excited at the prospect of seeing other people but it feels insulting that I’m not good enough.

    Also, it’s not like he has no outside interaction. His job still has him working outside of the house at least once/week and he is on a competitive sports team that has resumed practice (with major restrictions) twice/week. They are no longer competing or even scrimmaging but they are still doing drills outside as a group. Basically, the no contact kind of stuff.

    I don’t know how to deal with feeling rejected and not bugging him even more by trying to talk it to death and I don’t know how to help him with whatever he is feeling.

    • Anon

      Ha, I realize I edited and took out the details re: the kayak incident so that is probably confusing. Basically, while he was at sports practice I was going to go kayaking. We switched vehicles so I could do this. I wanted him to check the straps on how I tied it down to make sure it was secure and that I did it right and he did it but was extremely visibly annoyed the entire time. He said if I wanted his help I should have asked him earlier because it was close to his time to leave for practice. It was something that literally took less than 2 minutes though.

    • Anon

      This happened to me and my husband a few weeks ago. I said directly, “it seems like you’ve been annoyed whenever I talk to you. What’s up?” He admitted after another minute of prodding that sometimes I disturb his flow while he’s in the middle of something (and that something can be relaxing). He apologized about an hour later, but really, I think it’s just that we’ve been trapped inside together so long. We’re very close and spend a lot of time tougher, but even we have our limits. I’d try talking to him directly and say how it’s hurtful, but don’t blow it up too much.

    • Airplane.

      Oooof. I feel like you are taking a lot of undeserved grief from your husband and making up a lot of excuses and reasons for him that he has or has not himself expressed and maybe doesn’t deserve this credit.

      “I’ll admit, my conversations are rather mundane” “I think part of it is our work styles” “I asked him about it later and figured maybe they weren’t allowed to talk about it.”

      He was borderline rude to your parents? That’s just not ok in the situation you described where your parents were just expression interest and curisoty in his work. Even if he were completely prohibited from talking about he should cheerfully say “oh thanks for asking but we can’t really talk about that, but this funny thing happened (or how are you guys doing?)”

      If your husband is upset about booking travel, annoyed at being stuck in the house or the pandemic is “just getting to him” he needs to mange that. He can get some therapy, an exercise outlet, more virtual socialization, whatever that thing is. But what he cannot do is take it out on you with rudeness and grumpiness and making you feel like you have to walk on eggshells so he doesn’t give you the grumpy cold treatment.

      Can you sit down with him and talk about the pattern of behavior? What you are seeing him do repeatedly, how it makes you feel, and what he thinks the solution is? Communicate that you can’t reall keep going on like this when you’ve already given him a LOT of grace and this pandemic isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

      • Airplane.

        To add: I’m not saying he can’t lean on you/ your marriage for support to deal with his annoyance and fed-upness with being stuck at the house. Maybe he just says at night – hey I need to unwind, can we NOT talk for 2 hours while I zone out on the TV and we’ll spend quality time together tomorrow night. Or something like that. BUT my point is that he can’t just outwardly be visibly annoyed with you (kayak), rude and cold and deep sighing when you try to initiate a short mundane conversation during the 8+ hr workday at home, or be rude to your parents on facetime. These are NOT okay ways to deal with pandemic, these are ways to mistreat your wife and act badly as a husband.

        • anne-on

          I think ‘talking about your feelings like a grownup and asking for what you need’ is key here. I am the introvert in our relationship and I absolutely get short/snappy when overwhelmed with interaction. But that’s on me to manage and I would be apologetic if called out on it (and try to do better). I also will absolutely say to my husband I need to be alone to work out/watch a movie/go for a walk/read/not talk to anyone and while he doesn’t feel that way he gets that I need that time alone.

      • Veronica Mars

        Is your husband having an overall increase in anxiety (which can manifest as annoyance at things– an analogy I’ll use sometimes is that my anxiety can sometimes make me feel like how I do if I’m waiting in line, in the hot sun, and I’m thirsty, so that state of being mentally just kind of “done”/predispositioned to annoyance and how anything could really set you off–it’s not their fault, it’s the condition you’re in–not sure if that makes sense). If not that, or if he doesn’t want to open up about that, I’d talk about Gottman’s “bids for attention” and how you feel like when you make a bid, he turns away. Sometimes that framing helps me engage more with my husband when he makes a bid–I turn towards rather than away, regardless of the bid itself, (Like, do I want to necessarily come see this headline in our local paper this second? No, but I will and we’ll chat about it because my husband is engaging with me.)

        • anne-on

          Omg, YES to your analogy about how anxiety makes me feel. My main symptom was 100% being ‘done’ and just over everything/annoyed and irrationally angry at everyone.

        • Anon

          Yeah– this kind of sounds to me like how my husband is when he’s depressed. (He’s on meds now.) Sometimes it felt like he was taking out something on me just because I was there… so irrationally, I must have something to do with how he felt, etc. He also would sometimes get his hopes up, irrationally about something outside the relationship because that might make him feel better, etc. This started getting better once he realized he was depressed and what he was doing and hopefully, will be much better on the meds. It took him a really long time to realize something was wrong though and much longer to see a doctor about it.

    • Moonstone

      This whole thread makes me realize I need to be more respectful when my partner talks to me. I have been the Queen of Sighs lately.

      • anon

        And it tells me that I have some anxiety peaking through my normal depression! I appreciate all of the perspectives offered–thank you, all!

    • hi hi hi

      This reads like a Reddit “AITA” post and you are definitely NTA. I do not like the way he is treating you. Is he giving you any apology for his behavior?

    • Anon

      Thanks everyone. From the time I wrote this to the time I could check the responses, he had already come up to my office to apologize. He knows he’s off, he doesn’t really know why, he wants to try to deal with it himself first for a bit. He’s been to therapy a couple of times in the past so I don’t doubt he will do it again if he realizes this is anxiety/depression. He made very clear that it is not me and he feels bad for taking it out on me.

      We both deal with anxiety and depression. I’m medicated. He is not.

      RE: the call with my parents, our entire relationship he has struggled to fake happiness. He can usually pull it off with my parents, particularly in person. On the flip side, I do appreciate that everything positive he says or does is genuine. He realizes this is a flaw of his and he has worked to fix it but it’s almost humorous at this point. I’ll say what is that face for? And he will act surprise and say what? I’m smiling. And I’ll laugh and say that’s a smirk, not a smile. And he’ll say oh, I was trying to smile. When he’s not happy, he’s just not happy.

      Thanks for all of the responses and I will also take to heart where you say I’m making excuses for him. When I said being at my parents was unrelated, I didn’t mean the anecdote about the call was unrelated, that’s related. I meant I was at my parents for unrelated reasons, not to get away from him.

      • Anon

        I do want to add his explanation/apology for the FT call w/ my parents.

        He thought it was just going to be me and him Facetiming with our dogs. I had one with me and he had the other with him. He thought I’d be calling from my bedroom. Instead, I called from the living room couch, with the parents (and the dog) and started asking him all these questions about his work being on the news. It doesn’t justify his behavior but explains why he wasn’t “on.”

        • Airplane.

          None of this matters. Just because the call didn’t happen exactly the way he expected (from two separate rooms each with a dog, why even?) simply doesn’t excuse rude behavior. I would advise you to stop thinking of these details as “explanations” for his behavior.

      • Airplane.

        I’m glad he came to you and acknowedlged it. Your post really made me feel for you. It’s totally OK that he can’t fake happy – when he’s not happy he’s not. I think it would help you both to express that in a way that is not deep sighs when you “bid” per Gottman/borderline rude to third parties. Hopefully the therapy and treatment for anxiety depression will help. Rooting for you.

      • anon8

        I think he needs to explore the anxiety/depression issue further in therapy and possibly with medication. I went through a bout of feeling pretty depressed and being short with my spouse was something I found myself doing frequently. Obviously being in the middle of a pandemic doesn’t help, but I hope he can get some help for which will benefit both of you.

    • Anon

      One thing you can consider doing (perhaps not right this second) is talking to your husband about what kind of house you want to live in. I grew up in a house where my stepparent’s favorite way of dealing with conflict was frosty conversation and silent treatment. You would not believe how much of a pall that attitude cast over everybody in the entire house. I’ve talked to my husband about how important it is for me to have our home be warm and loving, including mature conflict resolution. Maybe if your husband can agree with you on what you both want your house to be like (not just what you want it NOT to be like), that will help both of you find a way forward through stressful times like these without taking it out on each other.

      FWIW, it’s so damn nice to have the warm household I never did growing up. SO nice.

      • Annony

        Oh my goodness. This really struck a nerve with me. There are three of us here (my husband, tween daughter and me), our house is small and we’re all sort of introverted and love our “alone time.” We all give each other a lot of space but I think we could all do a better job of creating a warmer atmosphere. Thanks for sharing this.

        • Anon

          I’m so glad it helped you. I can’t emphasize enough how nice it is to know that even if one of us is grumpy or there’s some kind of problem going on, there isn’t going to be a huge shadow cast over the house/a tense atmosphere/a big fight waiting to happen. Having the goal of a warm and loving house (even though we’re both introverts who like our alone time) means we don’t wait long to resolve any little fights and we can do things like say “hey, I’m going to go have quiet time in the bath for a while” without worrying about what it means or that the person is angry/fed up. I really, really encourage anyone who is having issues “getting along” in the home to start thinking about this!

          • emeralds

            One of the things that I appreciate most about my relationship with my husband is that we’re both good about telling each other “Hey, I’m grumpy today” or “Sorry I’m fried from work, can we just watch TV quietly?” rather than getting snappy with each other.

      • Senior Attorney

        OMG YES.

        My former husband was like that: Horrible attitude and sarcasm and constant threat of The Silent Treatment. And now I’m married to somebody and we have a lovely warm and loving (and SAFE) house and it’s just SO DAMN NICE.

        • cbackson

          The silent treatment really does create a feeling of not being safe in your home our relationship, doesn’t it? It’s honestly so terrible.

        • anon

          Ug, The Silent Treatment is the worst. My dad did/does this and my mom tolerated it for way too long.

        • Senior Attorney

          It is the super duper worst. If I’d known then what I know now, I’d have been out the door the very first time he pulled that ish.

      • Anon

        IMO there can be a healthy balance. DH knows I need alone time to get over whatever our fight is about; just jumping into problem solving is not feasible for me. Extended silent treatment is a problem, but so is forcing someone to talk things out when they legitimately need a decent amount of time to simmer down.

        • Anon

          But that’s the perfect opportunity to say “hey, I need a break. Let’s try to talk again tonight or tomorrow” instead of shutting down and offering a cold shoulder. There’s a right and wrong way to handle that tension and as someone who dealt with extensive silent treatment growing up, it’s so, so damaging (and tbh, abusive) to do any silent treatment at all. I feel quite strongly about it and that arguments don’t need to be resolved ASAP, but that expectations for when communication will take place again need to be conveyed.

    • Anonymous

      I’ll add a different take. It doesn’t necessarily sound like too much together time is the problem, but maybe you could take more breaks from each other, or make them more solid (without interruption). I know a lot of people who really enjoy having the house to themselves or whatever. It’s totally understandable not to actually leave the house, but make sure you have windows where you can each relax alone at home. My work schedule differs from my husbands, for example, so he always has a 4 hr block of alone time on Saturday and I have some time during the week.

    • anon

      I am probably your husband in this scenario. I’m not proud of it, and the grumpiness is something I’m actively having to work against in the time of COVID. I love my husband and rarely get tired of talking with him, but this is A LOT of together time. Many of my usual outlets for feeling renewed are not available during a pandemic. I don’t have much energy to be “on” for others. What has worked is proactively telling him, hey, I need Thursday night alone after the kids are in bed, but I’m totally on board with hanging out Friday night. Or telling him that I need the house to myself for a few hours, or going somewhere like a park or whatever. So part of this is on him to solve, and it sounds like he recognizes it’s an issue. For your part — IDK, try not to see it as a rejection? Because it’s really, really not; you’re dealing with a person who is DRAINED.

      • Patricia Gardiner

        Yes I think I’m more like your husband in this situation – I hate being interrupted for something mundane during my workday! Can you agree to set times where he is working and you don’t interrupt unless it’s urgent (noting that he is allowed to take a quick break during that time – we all do it or we would not be on this s*te), and that then after work hours you can chit chat?
        I agree with others though that there is no excuse for being rude to your parents.

        • Dahlia

          My husband and I have both worked from home a fair bit during the pandemic, out of a small 2-bedroom apartment. We had to set some ground rule to make it work. When he needs undisturbed time, he puts the red plastic bracelet on our office door, and I know not to enter (he typically gets the office because he’s doing presentations and conference calls all day and I’m working independently on my laptop). Since I’m working from the living room I let him know specific hours I can’t be disturbed and for big presentations he actually leaves the apartment because its too distracting for me to know he can hear me. I think these ground rules have helped us a lot.

    • Anon

      Your dynamic with your husband reminds me a lot of my parents. People have joked during quarantine about introverts versus extroverts, but it’s a lot more complicated than that.

      My mom is a bit of a loner, but when she’s with someone she’s close to, she needs to communicate. She will be silent at a party, but she’s a blabbermouth when she meets her bestie for coffee. Otherwise, her best friends are books.

      My dad just doesn’t care to speak all that much. He communicates and bonds through action. He wants to be out and about all the time, but his idea of a meaningful relationship interaction is to rebuild a shed with his son-in-law. He could utter less than three sentences and still feel like it was a great day. (Meanwhile, my mom is hovering around the perimeter, anxious that he isn’t saying anything.)

      Quarantine is exacerbating this, because normally they would go out with friends and my mom would carry the conversation, while my dad would just be content to be there. I suspect this dynamic applies in your case–you mention your husband is enjoying sports again (all action, little talking) whereas you seem very word-driven. Gently, is it possible that he’s avoiding activities with you not because it’s you, but because he’s just fatigued from the constant chattering?

      • Anon

        This is very spot on. Thank you. We read Five Languages of Love a long time ago and he is 100% Acts of Service while I am mostly Quality Time.

  12. Anon

    Similarly to what a poster above asked re: firepit vs. patio heater/restaurant-style heater-what items do you anticipate being hard to find that will be cold-weather Covid “essentials” similar to how pools and kayaks were this season? (e.g. good outerwear, snowshoes, etc.) I’m trying not to needlessly spend money, but also want to be prepped to keep kids entertained and be able to socialize outdoors even in the winter. Have also continued to buy cleaning wipes, soap, King Arthur flour within reason in anticipation that those things will be hard to find again.

    • anne-on

      I’d buy now. Plenty of us live in areas where these are necessary yearly things (kids snow boots, snow pants, base layers, wool socks, etc.) and we usually buy at the end of last season/early fall to ensure availability/sizes. I also know from experience that once snow actually falls snow shoes/rental skis are basically gone/fully booked – for reference, my husband rents our son’s skis around the first weekend of October, and there is usually a decent line while he’s there.
      I’d say you can buy decent enough kids base layers on amazon, but if you think you’ll use them good boots and jackets are the difference between being miserable and being ok. We have good luck with Boden, LLBean, and Styx (on sale!) for snow jackets. Snow pants are usually LLbean/Boden for us, and baselayers I usually buy in ski towns the last weekend of the year for a big discount, the Patagonia ones are $$ but fantastic – they hold up great so I’d check used clothing places for them.

      • Anon

        Totally agree re: outerwear. We live in the Northeast, but usually buy cheaper snow pants (they lose them so often) but this year will buy higher-quality in anticipation of being outside much more often.

    • Anonanonanon2

      Ooooo such an interesting question, and following with interest!
      Agree with others- I always buy snow pants and snow boots early anyway. And coats (note to self: time to buy coats soon!) I got my kids merino wool base layers from a small Canadian family company called “Simply Merino” last year and love them. They’re great as base layers but look cute as PJs, too. Highly recommend. I’m trying to rely more on small businesses/vendors, as they were more reliable during the supply chain disruptions, at least in my experience!
      I bulk order hand warmers every year because I’m a baby about the cold. Maybe some of those? I order a box of 40 pairs off of you-know-where.
      Hot chocolate mix? That could become the next yeast :-P
      Flour is a good idea. Once it’s cold again, I think the baking craze will pick back up, so any baking staples you’d like to have.
      Fwiw, Bath and Body Works has reliably had hand sanitizer. It’s over-priced, but it’s available. I order some along with hand soap when it’s on sale. My kids like getting to pick out which scent we’ll use for the next bottle. I don’t normally shop there, but it’s been good in the pandemic.
      Sleds? They’re always hard to find when snow is predicted in my area.

      • anonshmanon

        Just in case you didn’t know this – those hand warmers that turn from gel into solid: you can reverse them and reuse.

    • anon

      Hot tubs? For real, DH and I considering an inflatable hot tub from Amazon because WHY NOT.

      • Anonymous

        I had no idea that inflatable hot tubs were a thing…I’m seriously considering one now!

      • Anon

        Great idea! Does anyone have direct experience on the insulation/price to run of an inflatable vs. traditional spa?

        • Anon

          I imagine it’s a lot less expensive (inflatable), but based on my experience with a large, inflatable pool (punctured easily) I’d be inclined to save up for a hard-sided one.

    • IL

      Maybe not exactly what you are asking but: Kleenex and cough drops. Not for COVID, but just for general winter sniffles. Hopefully this will be an easy year because of social distancing, but you never know. Colds are not fun as-is, and they are worse when key supplies have run out.

      • anne-on

        I’ve been trying to grab a 3 pack of tissues/airborne/nyquil/mucinex when I remember and I’m at the drugstore. Tissues are hit or miss and with summer allergies now (and cold season) we go through a TON.

    • Anon

      We’re getting an above-ground pool, and I bought a screen house to socialize outdoors while protected from mosquitos. Prior to next spring, I’ll try to get a hammock and stand, folding camp chairs and a patio umbrella, which I missed out on this season For winter, I’m researching outdoor heaters and fire pits. Predict another rush on puzzles/craft supplies/baking supplies as the weather gets cold again.

  13. Books for middle age?

    Re-posting from yesterday afternoon….
    As I stare down my mid forties… does anyone have any inspiring/ helpful/ insightful / wise books about navigating middle age? I tried to read some books recently that I had hoped might help me navigate the anxieties of this time of my life (books like Why We Can’t Sleep, Burnout, and Overwhelmed) and had to put them down because their negativity stressed me out even more about the prospect of my mid-forties and made me faintly depressed. I’d love to read more books about or by bad ass women in their 40s and 50s, (and even later.)

    • The original Scarlett

      I love the podcast Everything is Fine, by Kim France, former editor of Sassy (and Lucky, but Sassy was the best), they take on middle age in a positive, awesome way

      • Anon

        +1 really enjoying this podcast lately!

        It does feel like there’s a dearth of media for women in this age range. I feel too old for a lot of traditional women’s media that targets 25-late 30s.

    • Layla

      On Being 40 by Lindsey Mead was an enjoyable collection of essays by a variety of women.

    • Anon

      I loved and highly recommend Glynnis MacNicol’s No One Tells You This. Although it’s about a single woman discovering her next chapter, I think the themes are relatable for anyone in their forties juggling family, work, and relationships. It’s beautifully, honestly written and really made me hopeful for the next decade.

    • Anon

      I enjoyed the book Midlife – A philosophical guide by Kieran Setiya to be helpful. I studied philosophy in college and this book reminded me why – using the logic of great thinkers to help grapple with life’s hard problems. I think the author is a philosophy professor at MIT but the book was not stuffy at all.

    • Anonymous

      Women Rowing North for a book, although the target audience is slightly older.

      Also Forever35 podcast – the hosts are in their early 40s and interview a lot of interesting women.

      For work inspiration podcasts, check out Second Life, about women who started over in new careers. Or How I Built This episodes with women founders.

      There are some great memoirs out there. I loved:

      – Let’s Take The Long Way Home, which has a sad ending but is a wonderfully honest depiction of a close friendship between two single women.
      – Becoming by Michelle Obama
      – Who Thought This Was A Good Idea by Alyssa Mastromonaco
      – The Mother of Black Hollywood by Jennifer Lewis

    • Anonymous

      Wirapa brand on Amazon. The high waisted ones. Holds everything in (you, the huge pads) but still stretchy enough to be comfortable.

  14. Anon

    About to have a baby and want to order some cheap but comfy underwear that I can wear postpartum and literally just throw away in 8 weeks. Anyone have any favorites to recommend? I’m not doing in person shopping so has to be online. I only have hanky panky right now and I’d rather not ruin them!

    • JTM

      If you’re looking for something to wear while you’re still bleeding, I really liked the FridaMom postpartum panties. They are boyshorts, and a thicker, durable material compared to the mesh panties from the hospital. I also found them way more comfy to wear than the mesh panties. Target carries them so you could get them delivered via mail or Shipt.

    • TheElms

      I wore depends for the first week. It was just easier. I wore Jockey underwear. Its 3 for $30 or less in some styles on their website. I had a mix of lower cut bikinis and higher cut briefs. Mostly wore the bikinis even with a c-section.

      • Anon

        +1 to Depends, though others have suggested the Always discreet ones and I plan to wear those this time around. They were comfy and perfect for PP bleeding. But I also bought a six pack of underwear from Costco and used them later and those might work if you don’t want to use disposables.

    • AnonATL

      Due any day now, I got some classic cotton hanes briefs up a size. Think the 6 pack you see at target. Not cute, but very practical and I won’t feel bad if they get ruined.
      I’m planning on the adult diapers for the first week or so, and then pads as needed. I’ve heard the depends are best for the first heavy days as they are less prone to leaks.

    • Anon

      Soma has 5 for $25 panties in their clearance section. I would get anything in the embraceable super soft line.
      Just order them a size up. You could also go super old-school and just get a pack of these in a size up: https://www.walmart.com/ip/Fruit-of-the-Loom-Women-s-Beyondsoft-Boy-Short-6-Pack/56261958?wmlspartner=wlpa&selectedSellerId=0&&adid=22222222227148595714&wl0=&wl1=g&wl2=c&wl3=260292776843&wl4=pla-428085594150&wl5=9010770&wl6=&wl7=&wl8=&wl9=pla&wl10=8175035&wl11=online&wl12=56261958&veh=sem. That’s what I did, and it worked well.

    • Anon

      I love Felina and you can order them from Costco. So soft and comfy. I think these are NOT members-only items – so you can order them even if you’re not a member. If not, there are a lot on ebay.

    • Annony

      I’d get some cheapie microfiber ones from Target. Something with no elastic in the seams (leg openings/waistband) but stretchy all over and secure enough to hold the pad you’ll be wearing

  15. A Q about wood

    We have an outdoor wood fireplace. We also have a lot of wood from where we had to take down a tree. The wood is chopped into 12″ pieces but not split. It has been cut for maybe 3 years. It hasn’t been covered up, just stacked.

    If the wood burns (we are in the SEUS so the bottom wood is likely wet from rain and being on the ground; the top layer might be dry enough), is it OK to burn in a woodburning fireplace? Husband insists that it isn’t, that it might have bugs or some fungus that we shouldn’t burn. I really don’t see any reason not to try.

    FWIW, my parents cut wood, have it split, and they stack in on risers and cover it with a tarp. The wood they will burn in a winter is moved to a lean-to so it is out of the elements. I know that various critters (chipmunks, etc.) live among the woodpile and their trees must have bugs in them b/c they have woodpeckers.

    I feel so incompetent as an adult.

    • Anonymous

      Outdoors? I don’t know why that would be a problem. I would get a firewood rack to keep it off the ground.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, it’s an outdoor wood fireplace. My mom hates having an indoor wood-burning fireplace b/c it makes everything sooty. Good for when you lose power but not otherwise. I hate to waste a good cut-up tree b/c I didn’t initially store it right, but it seems that it’s improve-able for anything that hasn’t rotted — if you raise it, it will dry out some; if you split it, it should dry out more; if you cover it, it will remain dry (or dry-ish).

        Husband is a city-slicker who is prone to worry about unknown unknowns. I am a redneck who figures, what is the worst that could happen? Burning a bug is not going to unleash the murder hornets, even this year.

        • Flats Only

          You can probably rent a splitter too, if you look around. Pulls in on a trailer, you put the log section on and it pneumatically splits it with a wedge. A fun and satisfying afternoon activity.

    • Anon

      It is completely fine. Burn away! And let me know when, I’ll bring the marshmallows :)

  16. Layla

    Reading about the GDP drop of 9.5% last quarter and comparisons to the Great Depression, and am wondering if any economists/folks more informed that I could weigh in on what the practical implications of this might be. For example, are you pulling investments? Does wisdom of leaving funds in 529 plans/403b’s still apply in this situation? Realize that these are questions best asked of a financial advisor, but am curious to hear people’s thoughts.

    • Anon

      I am being a bit more conservative in my spending habits, but otherwise, not changing anything. A good investment strategy is one that’s designed to stay the course regardless of what the economy is doing month-to-month, or even year to year.

    • Anon

      I don’t believe there is EVER a reason to “pull investments” from your retirement plan. If the apocalypse hits, you’ll be more focused on finding food and shelter than caring about your cash. Otherwise, investments are for the long-term. We’re not touching ours.

    • Anonymous

      Not an expert at all. I think leave it in, but personally I’m bulking up savings and holding off on adding more in.

      • pugsnbourbon

        This is what we’re doing, too – adding to our savings and keeping them liquid.

    • AnonATL

      GDP is down, historically badly so, but a lot of other macroeconomic indicators have been up or steady. The markets have been pretty good too.
      It’s not a time where I’d run around spending a ton of cash on random stuff. Savings are staying put. I’m prioritizing my retirement accounts and making sure my emergency fund is topped off. Otherwise, my spending habits continue as normal.

    • Layla

      Thank you-helpful to best. I’m going to focus on building up cash reserves (have very minimal savings) and continue to contribute modest amounts to retirement/college funds.

    • Anon

      As has become more and more obvious in recent years, the stock market != the economy.

  17. Anonymous

    What are your favorite candles for your house? I like warm vanilla/spice scents, but I’m looking for something a little nicer than Bath and Body Works.

    • Anon

      Not sure where you place Yankee Candle when compared to BBW, but those are the candles I always come back to, even if after I try other or more expensive brands because they have a good scent throw and last longer than most others. They have an overwhelming variety, but ones I enjoy that are in the vanilla/spice category you prefer are Vanilla Cupcake, Christmas Cookie, Apple Cider Donut, Harvest, Apple Pumpkin, and Cider House. The spice-scented candles tend to be considered “Christmas” or Fall candles, so you may even be able to find those scents on sale since it is summer.

    • Anon

      This might be really specific to my area, but we have a custom candle shop and I am obsessed. In normal times, you would go in, smell all the smells, write down your favorites, and they help you choose a custom blend that is then hand-poured on the spot. Obviously Covid has put an end to going in and smelling all the smells, but the shop owner will still do “fragrance consults” over Zoom. Maybe there’s something like that in your area?

    • Anonymous

      This is BBW, but I’m still shocked how much I love it for a house scent – “Winter”. It’s pine, clove, and orange and smells very clean to me year-round. I love it.

    • anon8

      I bought some from Wax & Wool on Etsy. I think they had closed their shop for a while, but I believe it’s back open.

    • Anonymous

      Voluspa is my favorite, and I love woody, spicy and vanilla scents. They are made in the US and burn nicely, without that BBW petroleum edge.

  18. Anon

    Just a vent. I had a video chat last night with a close friend. I’m single and she’s married with two kids. She was talking about how quarantine has made her and her husband closer and she values getting more time with her family. She deserves this and I want to be happy for her… but meanwhile I am so, so lonely, haven’t touched a human in a month and I’m attempting to awkwardly video date. I know the grass is always greener and I shouldn’t compare. But it was hard not to feel totally depressed in that moment.

    • Anonie

      I can relate to how you feel because I was ALWAYS single until l met my now-fiance in late 2018. I also struggled off and on with depression that is now medicated and under control with very rare exceptions. I just want send some virtual cheer and encouragement…you never know how soon things can change in the romance department. Also, now that I’m on the other side in a relationship that brings me joy, I SO wish that I had appreciated my single years more. As much as I love spending time with my fiance, I miss how I could be so all-in with my friendships and hobbies before. There are things you have the freedom to do now that you’ll miss when you meet and commit to your person. Also, everyone is different and this may not work for you, but I found reading fiction to be one of the best over-the-counter (ha) medications for my past periods of loneliness. There is something about getting lost in a good novel that was and still is soothing and therapeutic for me.

      • Anon

        Aw, thank you. This comment means a lot to me and really helped! Good point on reading fiction. I have a big stack of books waiting for me that I’m excited to dig into this weekend.

    • Anon100

      *virtual hugs from another single person!*

      I feel you. And it’s awful to be single in this pandemic because the things that I usually do to keep my mind off it are not available to me. Human touch? Nope, not even a hug from friends. Can’t even visit the parents because they live overseas. Go join a community/class/volunteer or date? Nope, all currently virtual or closed and I just prefer in-person for that sort of thing. Go to gym to workout? Yeah no, not feeling safe about that right now.

      To those who are partnered up now and saying that you miss your single days – yeah I get that, but that was back when one could do things with friends/other people, go travel internationally, etc! It’s hard to do that now and I would like y’all to acknowledge that.

      • Monday

        Yep, as someone who was single for a long time I absolutely acknowledge it. I really feel for you because almost everything I liked about being single has been affected by Covid.

    • Ribena

      That sucks. I’m in a similar boat – went on my first Hinge date since the start of March last weekend (outdoors, very very low case numbers here also) and he unmatched me the day after instead of replying to my follow-up. Delightful.

    • Anonymous

      I apologize if this isn’t helpful, but as a married parent, I have to say that it sounds like she was putting the best possible spin on a time that has probably been very difficult. (And if she wasn’t, I want whatever she is taking). Every mother I know is spending hours worrying about how this will affect their children’s mental and/or physical health, feeling guilty about every decision, and wanting to throttle their husband and kid(s) with alarming regularity for driving them nuts. It is true we’re not lonely, rather we would kill for some time alone. This is not to say that your feelings are not valid or to create some kind of pain competition, just offering some perspective in case it is comforting.

      • Anon

        Yea as much as I hate being single right now, I think I would hate the stress of having children and worrying about school and their mental/physical health right now a lot more!!

  19. Carolyn

    This is a petty issue but its been on my mind recently so I’d like to get some thoughts on it. I went to undergrad in a HCOL city, and to a school and studied a major where most people coming out of it get well-paid (high 5 figures) jobs with the opportunity for advancement and raises straight out of college. A lot of my friends did that. I took one of those jobs but didn’t like, and was saving for grad school and then in grad school, where I was of course broke and still in the student mindset.

    Now it’s been a few years since grad school and I am making a 6 figure salary in the field of my choice, the same salary these friends are now making. I don’t have significant loans, and do have decent savings. I still find it hard to spend money on things like non drugstore skincare (that I would like to have), clothes (love browsing this site, don’t think I’ve ever bought any of the featured pieces), or larger things like trips or higher rent for an apartment. It probably wouldn’t be good to increase my spending in all these categories, but “leveling up” in a few of them wouldn’t hurt.

    My parents both make 6 figures as well and did for most of my childhood, but immigrated from another country and were definitely very thrifty while I was growing up.

    Anyways, the point is, how do you balance having enough money and being willing to spend vs not being used to doing that?

    • anne-on

      Have you read the analogy for shoes – ie, buying a $30 pair of shoes yearly instead of buying a $150 pair of shoes and having them for 10 years? I think about purchases like that. I will ‘pay up’ for good shoes, bras, work clothing, outerwear, boots, kitchen wear, appliances, etc. – things that if maintained will last for years and I don’t have to buy them over and over again. That being said – I think it also helps to know yourself – do you have a style that is unlikely to change – that is, would you be happier with 3 fun H&M coats or 1 good quality wool coat in a more boring color/pattern? There is no right or wrong, but if you’re a clothes horse it might make more financial sense to do a RTR subscription of whatnot.
      I also follow the rule with skincare of paying for actives/formulation – cheap is fine for cleaners within reason but I’ll pay more for good SPF that I know I’ll use, or a serum with a certain % of ingredients that I can’t find elsewhere. Skincare reddit will have your back on this – most ppl use a blend of drugstore and $$. I personally prefer Asian brands as they tend to be less expensive than American luxury brands and more transparent about ingredients/amounts/formulations.

    • Anonymous

      You just start doing it and live with the discomfort! This is what I’ve done.

    • Anon

      If you have what you need and don’t want for anything, you don’t need to spend the money, “just because”.

      • Anon

        +1. I think this site sometimes encourages spending money for no good reason. I’ve seen posts like “I have extra money from a bonus, what can I spend it on,” which seems silly to me. It’s one thing to treat yourself to something you’ve always wanted, but fishing for something to buy is the opposite of the frugal values that will help you retain wealth.

    • Anonymous

      First of all, it’s great to have modest spending habits, so don’t feel that spending more is something you necessarily should or need to do. Avoid the path to golden handcuffs.

      But I do think of purchases in terms of value. For me, that’s never the prestige of name brands, but quality. Anything that lasts longer or improves health/quality of life can be worth it. Try an item of fancy skincare and see if you think your skin is clearer or you look better … then decide whether to repurchase, try another brand, or go back to your drugstore pick.

      Find the things that you feel truly improve your quality of life and consider them investments in your health and happiness.

    • Anona

      I just didn’t spend much money for the longest time. I didn’t really need to – I was young, single, and had no costly expenses. Don’t feel like you need to splash out on stuff just because other people are – wait until you actually want to do it. Eventually you will come to a point if you really want to spend the money to make our life easier or have nicer things – I did.

  20. Anonymous

    For those from New England/familiar with New England — what is the peak foliage season in New England esp Vermont (or close to peak when it looks really nice even if it’s not what a botanist would say is peak) AND where would you consider going/renting a house if you wanted to work from there for a few weeks in the fall and did NOT want to be all alone in a cabin in the woods miles from anyone but rather wanted to be in/near a small city where you could run to a grocery store or Target, get a takeout pizza etc.? Someplace you’d feel comfortable walking or driving around as a single woman.

    We’re WFH until at least October and honestly I don’t see how it doesn’t get extended unless this disappears totally. I feel like people are talking about going and working from Hawaii or Ca. (I’m in DC) because it’s once in a lifetime to be able to do that, but if I were to go anywhere I’d want to go somewhere driving distance and someplace I can cancel if the situation gets bad, if that state places a travel restriction etc. I’d drive DC to Vermont; if staying in for 2 weeks was required in VT, I’d do that; I’ve generally been very conservative on this whole thing. I have always wanted to experience a New England fall though and try out “small city” or “small town” life just to see what I think; plus I think by then I will REALLY want to get out of my DC apartment so I’m thinking instead of renting a house in Maryland or Va. for a few months to get out of apartment living, maybe think about renting in a different location. I’ll take recommendations in upstate NY too actually though somehow in my mind when I think fall I think New England.

    • anne-on

      How far north do you really want to go in VT? Brattleboro is lovely, Stowe is great, and if you’re in the village proper you can walk to a lot of restaurants/coffee shops/etc. Burlington is the ‘city’ but you’ll likely have more outbreaks there once the colleges are back in session. If you don’t have a car with snow tires/4WD you’ll want to leave before the real snow hits in late October/early November – especially if you don’t have the gear to deal with cold and snow.
      I’d target late September through to Halloween – the heavy stuff probably won’t come until mid-November and I’d be surprised if it dips much below 30 before then.

    • emeralds

      I’m nowhere near an expert, but I’ve been in NH/VT near Hanover the last couple of years and it’s been great. Both times were around October 10 and it’s been beautiful. The first year we got an Airnbnb in White River Junction, which is definitely a village but sounds like it would hit most of your criteria. The second year we stayed in a cabin in the woods miles from anywhere and it was absolutely lovely :) But either way, check out Hanover and its environs.

      Sadly (?), my BFF has now finished her grad program and moved back to NYC.

        • RILawyer

          I agree! Woodstock is lovely. I’d say peak time for fall foliage would be early to mid October, although it varies from year to year. Shouldn’t be horrendously cold until mid November.

    • Trixie

      I live in Boston and love the fall season. The best weeks for fall colors varies a bit: it depends on how dry the season has been, how cold it has been, etc. This has been a very dry year, so the colors will be earlier, and may be less vivid, tending to brownish tones. As far as where: If you like a small city, you could try Burlington, and head out for hikes and bike rides etc. For smaller towns, Ludlow, Shelbourne, Stowe, or Woodstock would be nice. Be sure the wifi is strong–not every town has broadband. Ski towns will have more amenities, and a population bigger than 2000 will mean decent grocery store, a Target, etc. Have fun!

    • Anon

      Also take a look at parts of the Adirondacks. Saratoga Springs is just south of the park boundary and is a great college town. Lake George is another good option. It’s just within the park boundaries but touristy enough to have everything you need nearby. If you want pizza and coffee shops but don’t care about Target, take a look at Old Forge in the center of the Adirondacks and Tupper Lake further north. I live in New England now and am originally from Upstate NY. I think the Adirondacks are far more amazing in the fall than anywhere in New England, in part because there’s enormously more unbroken wilderness punctuated occasionally by cute mountain towns that grew up around a history of “Adirondack camps.”

  21. Anon

    Spinoff of the thread RE: friendship – what do you do when you feel like your previously close friendships have drifted apart? For me, many of these people were ones I met through the office, and even though we’d all since departed, we managed to stay close for a number of years after. But the last few years, with all of us in different cities, I noticed the friendships began to fray. I’d send regular texts and emails asking how they were, updates on their life etc and they would respond but reciprocity definitely dropped off. Now it’s to the point where I haven’t heard from them in months and months, and I guess I feel uncomfortable being the one to always initiate contact with no reciprocity. Do I just accept that these friendships had their season and focus on trying to create new ones (hard to do at my age, early 40s)?

    • Anon

      Yes, I move on when the friendships fray and reciprocity drops off. Sometimes the friends come back, even after very long periods of time. But I accept that they’re not going to be there for me the way I wanted them to or the way I’d hoped and I move on.

      It is hard but not impossible to find new friends at any age. I’m also early 40s. Joining groups and committing to something that meets regularly has really helped. Ideas: networking events, cultural events, volunteering, language exchanges, a community sports team, political action groups, art galleries.

      I know a lot of those are not options in the pandemic, but there are virtual versions! I’ve been doing virtual versions of a lot of these and have found the community really rewarding. Especially now with the election coming up, if you feel at all invested in the outcome, this is a great time to volunteer with like-minded people and form friendships in the process. I found some of my dearest later-in-life friends through activities like this.

      I echo the poster above who said mixing up your groups also helps build community. You never know who of your friends will hit it off and that can really add to your circles when others become the “glue” as she said. I’ve had friends I met volunteering who then ended up working in the office building next door, so it became easy to get lunch or coffee, and then that turned into happy hours where I invited friends from my book club, and then the first volunteering friend converted into a “real” friend, not just an activity friend.

      • Anon

        Last thing. I have had a couple friends disappear on me after getting married (or the frequency of them initiating contact dropped from regular hangs to like, twice a year) and it hurt, but I decided to just accept that friendships have seasons and life is long. People’s situations and needs change. Some of my friends disappeared into parenting for several years but then emerged with new energy to put into friendship. Others really changed up circles after divorce and put way more energy into friendships than before. I felt a bit of resentment about these because I was like, “where were you when I needed you!?” but then I thought about how I’d want them to give me the same grace if my life circumstances changed and I couldn’t be there for them in the same way.

        This is where it really helps to cultivate a wide, diverse network of friends so there is always someone there when you just want to go for a walk and get a coffee, someone else for deep emotional connection, and someone for texting updates about your day. They all fulfill different needs, and that will change over time.

  22. Anonymous

    Having a small group over for a socially distant event this evening. Any ideas for what to offer for food? We are in a semi-bubble as all 3 families have kids that go to daycare in the same class together (kids don’t wear masks there), but we are still being careful.

    The kids will be watching a movie (each family is bringing a tent and each family’s kids will be in their own tent watching the outside movie while 3 sets of parents sit far apart in lawn chairs). We are ordering pizza for the kids. Single serve beverages for everyone (water bottles, juice boxes, seltzer, beer).

    I want to have something else for the adults (I don’t want to eat pizza!) but I’m struggling to think of what could be easily be provided in a non communal way.

    Ideas?

      • Carmen Sandiego

        +1 to this! We did socially-distanced drinks with a couple on our street and I made individually wrapped cheese plates for everyone – it was fun and delicious and I got my beloved cheese platter without it being communal!

      • Airplane.

        +1 always my go to for a fancy but easy (for me) thing to throw together is a charcuterie board. You make it as rich and filling as you want or on the lighter side. And big bowls popcorn since it’s a movie? Top with truffle oil and icelandic sea salt for the adults.

    • Anon

      what about 3 separate quiches or 3 separate small pans of lasagna or another casserole?

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for the idea! This is all outside. Would lasagna or quiche be too hot to serve at ~6pm in the summer?

        • Anon

          I would eat it anytime, but if it’s too hot where you are, the cold cheese or meat board sounds good too.

    • Senior Attorney

      It’s probably too late for tonight, but last week somebody invited us over and said “We will be providing the ten-feet-apart tables and chairs, and each couple should bring their own picnic including food, beverages, and whatever utensils you need.” I thought that was super genius and completely eliminated any concern about communal food. It worked out great and everybody had a swell time.

  23. Patio Heater for Apt Patio

    I have an apartment with a patio. I’m wondering if I could get a patio heater to extend its useful season. Is that something people do & would anyone have a recommendation for something appropriate for a small space? An electric one that could be stored outside year round? Or will any patio heater like I’ve seen at outdoor restaurants do?

    • Equestrian Attorney

      Do you have a gas line? Most café style heaters I’ve seen are run on gas, but they are very efficient if that’s an option for you.

    • Ribena

      I’ve seen a lot of cafes with electric heat lamps lately. If your home electricity comes from renewables I’d definitely go for one of those.

  24. DC lawyer

    Trying to think through life choices.

    Current role: I am a “favorite” associate, on track for partner in a couple of years, bosses all like me, pretty confident that I am good at what I do. But I am unhappy a lot of the time because of a lack of boundaries (both in terms of work hours/demands and also just a lot of emotional labor required to deal with bosses’ mood swings), unhappiness at seeing how less favored colleagues are treated. I am constantly told that if I have too much work/responsibility and am feeling burned out I should ask for help, but I have asked for help and it doesn’t come. (The last time I asked for help another associate was staffed on the matter in question, but was too slow, so I was asked to take on some of the assignments that he had agreed to finish!). Pay is below market. I also feel like there are certain gaps in my training.

    Potential new role: slightly different practice area, bigger firm, bigger pay. People seem nice, but I don’t know any of them beyond the interview.

    I know as a litigator it’s probably not possible to find work/life balance. I would like to make more money and I am concerned about the gaps (things that I can’t fix at my current firm because we don’t tend to do those things). but I’m not sure that moving firms will fix boundary issues or unhappiness–seems like those things need to start with me. Aware too of the risk of giving up favored status/partner track for an unknown.

    I guess the question is whether i should continue to be comfortable but vaguely unhappy a lot of the time, or take a risk that has a lot of unknowns attached to it. help!

    • Anonymous

      Everyone sees me as good at saying no – but the reality for me at work is, I say yes to work and no to non-work stuff. Read Mark Hermann’s recent above the law post re: do you have time for a project. I am learning that with my regional firm, clients and partners are actually OK with me taking some extra time on not urgent matters because they know I’ll jump on urgent stuff. Not sure if that helps with the choice before you, but regardless of where you work. You need to find boundaries that work for you 85-90% of the time.

    • Anonymous

      Only you can decide but all I’ll say is that in litigation a lot of what you are saying exists everywhere — work gets dumped on the favorite/reliable/competent associate that partners trust and then when that person looks like they may get burnt out then its, oh we’ll get you some help — oh that help wasn’t great, oh well we tried, can you still get the thing done, thanks. As for the favorite to make partner, IDK what year you are but lots of people are told or shown they are favorites in year 4-6 where they really need people to do the work and then by year 8 it isn’t uncommon for them to say yeah so what — you’re not all that; I’m not saying that’ll happen to you but I’d say take any partner promises with grains of salt until the day the partnership agreement is signed. I’d say move on if you want to do this different practice area + make more money. But don’t think that your day to day is unique and won’t happen elsewhere.

    • Anonymous

      If those were my two choices I would take the new job. I think the new job will have the same cons as your old job. In my experience good associates are always overworked and offered no support. There are always moody partners. You will have the same boundary issues (or they might get worse).

      However, the new job has better pay, better training and a scope you are more interested in. So same downsides and more upsides – that is a no brainer to me.

      I was in your shoes and I spent like 2 years doing coffees with former associates about what they did after leaving my firm. I asked very candid questions. I always thought I would go to another firm but ended up in house and am so happy. My work/life balance is better and my work is honestly more interesting. That explanatory phase helped me figure out what was possible – it’s not as simple as firm/government/in house. There are a lot of variables in each of those fields and talking to people helped me think outside the box a bit.

    • Anon

      I’m on the corporate side but food for thought: I have many times over the course of my career seen associates (women in particular) jump ship to another firm when they feel they have poor work/life balance or a lack of boundaries hoping that a new firm will be better. It almost never is. At the end of the day most firms have the issues you describe and unless you draw the boundaries, no one will draw them for you. Although it’s possible that a new firm will give you a fresh start and an opportunity to figure out how to draw these boundaries, I have honestly only ever seen this happen once. Things are better for a little bit post move as things ramp up but within a year or two the associate finds themselves in the same place they were previously. All that said, since it sounds like you have a lot of good will and reputation built up, it might be worth trying to set up some boundaries at your current firm. If you do move, know that unless you’re willing to make major changes, you’ll likely end up in same place you are now.

      • Anon

        Oh also forgot to add on knowledge gaps, I think most attorneys feel that way and you’ll likely find that’s the case elsewhere. A lot of knowledge gaps tend to be luck of the draw on whether something came up on a matter you were staffed on or not. Regardless of whether you make a move, it’s worth seeing if you can identify those knowledge gaps and seek out work that will help close them.

    • Anonymous

      I would stay, as the current firm seems like your best chance at making partner. After you make partner you are more marketable for further moves, and may want to consider stepping up to a bigger firm. No matter where you are you have to deal with a mix of personalities and the challenges of managing a litigation docket are the same. However, I would look at the incoming associates and get permission to add one or more to your matters when they arrive so they have time to help.

    • Anon

      I was in a similar position at a small litigation firm 2 years ago. Favorite associate by miles, talks of partnership down the road even though I was very junior. A big reason is the firm was VERY dysfunctional, and I was the only associate that could “handle” it (due to being in a much worse dysfunctional firm previously). I definitely do not fault the other associates for not being able to cope. Was really unhappy with the insane hours, lack of work/life balance, dysfunctional powers that be, but afraid of giving up being the “favorite”. In the end, I took an offer from the bigger firm. I identified the factors that were making my hours insane, spoiler alert, it wasn’t the billable hours. It was a managing partner who micromanaged, was techno-phobic, extremely disorganized, disrespectful of other people’s time (liked to file briefs at midnight), and wanted everyone’s butts in their seats. The partner I work for now is the exact opposite of all of those things, and I feel like I have my life back. It has been life changing and I do not regret it at all.

  25. Anon

    Wanted to share my review of Under Armory’s Sports Mask in case helpful-XS/S size fit my narrow/small face well. Comes with a washable carrying case and label for name or number. Styling is definitely a bit ninja-like, especially in the chin, but very comfortable. Has a nose wire, but no pocket for a filter. Dislike that it’s hand wash only, but very secure fit (breath not escaping) while still being comfortable. It, along with Athleta’s masks are my favorite out of the zillions I tried.

    • Anon

      I have been thinking about getting this mask. Figuring out the size can be difficult. I have a medium size face. Do you have a guess as to how the next size up would fit me?

    • Anon

      Hmmm-maybe because they are unisex, the SM/MED size would be more of a woman’s medium size?

  26. Anon

    Law firm partners, should us associates keep bugging you for work? Or should we assume you are aware basically everyone is slow (for practices that are slow during the pandemic like mine). I get overly anxious about this because I don’t want to be annoying.

    • anon

      Grain of salt because I am a senior associate, not a partner, but I would err on the side of “bugging” them for work. You absolutely cannot say that you are looking for work just once and expect partners to remember that and assume you still need work when they haven’t heard from you 2 weeks later. They will likely give work to the person who most recently asked for work, assuming they like working with that associate. Or they will forget and just do the work themselves. Also, even if there’s no work to go around, at the end of the year, you want to be remembered as the proactive associate who asked for work and volunteered for non-billable stuff, and didn’t just take advantage of the situation by sitting around on the internet after one feeble attempt to get work (this is even more true if you’re still WFH).

      • Anonymous

        +1 Also ask for unbillable projects, so it’s clear you are willing to do your share of those as well.

      • Anon

        Thank you, this is really helpful! Also FWIW I think your perspective is just as valid as a SA

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