Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Smyth Ponte Blazer

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1. Hi friends! Going for an interview next week at a communications firm that does federal lobbying and would be interviewing in that department. First interview out of law school that I’m really excited about! I have public interest and litigation experience from undergrad and law school internships, but have never interviewed for this type of position. Does anyone here have experience with the hiring process in this area of work? Mainly, are there any common themes in questions that are the type that I wouldn’t normally be prepared for even after my basic interview prep. Thank you, and fingers crossed!

   1. Be incredibly aware of current events. Don’t underestimate that you may be expected to be ‘on’ 24/7. Be ready to answer unusual/icky feeling questions about political connections/affiliations.

   2. I would look into what they lobby and who their clients are. Some firms do amazing work and others will take on anyone with money. You need to decide where you draw the moral boundaries. I have been on both sides and things can get morally questionable if you aren’t careful.

      1. Agreed, as DC firms that do lobbying often ask women to do whatever is necessary to get the issue being lobbied resolved the way you are being paid to do. When I was in college, I worked for a summer on the Hill, and I often had to go out to dinner/drinks with house aides for congressmens that we needed to convince to vote our way on lobbying issues of the day — mainly health care. I often felt uncomfortable going out with these men, who ususally got drunk and grabby. While I was never s-xueally assaulted, a few of these guys looked to me for a potential hookup as the quid pro quo for them to look favorably on our issues. I am proud to say that I kept my panties on at all times and the worse that happened was that some of these guys grabbed at my boobies and tuchus at the Hawk and Dove, a local DC bar/restaurant on Capital Hill. FOOEY on them.

   3. Definitely ditto the two posters above. Especially the “anyone with money” idea. Check the lobbying disclosure database for a list of their clients. Put the firm’s name in the Registrant Name field. https://soprweb.senate.gov/index.cfm?event=selectfields

      Once you’ve checked their registrations, STUDY current events on those topics. The disclosures will list which lobbyists are working for which clients, so maybe pay special attention to which clients your interviewers are registered for and ask them about their work.

      One of the most important skills in lobbying is to be diplomatic, especially if this is a bipartisan firm. Phrase your sentences carefully. Indicate that you can be discreet. If a bipartisan firm and you’ll work both sides of the aisle (many places are bipartisan, but their Rs are Rs and Ds are Ds – my firm works on certain issues and works both sides of the aisle), be prepared to discuss how important it is to create separate talking points for Rs and Ds…how to look differently at an issue to get each side engaged (that could be a litigation tie-in).

2. Has anyone tried Freeletics? I have little muscle, poor muscle function (chronic neck and upper back pain) and lots of fat in my body, and am trying to get a bit more active, build a bit more muscle, and hopefully alleviate some of my chronic pain (that I have seen many MDs for). I’m a midlevel associate in biglaw so don’t have tons of time, plus I live in one of the COVID 19 danger zone countries — I still go to gym, but GX classes are shut down. Is Freeletics worth the expense? Do you recommend the coaching version with nutrition or without? TIA!

3. Have any of you made the transition from corporate law to estate planning/elder law/real estate? I did the Big Law thing for 4 years, in house for 5, and really feeling like what I do doesn’t matter. I graduated during the recession and had wanted to practice tax law, but there weren’t any openings, so went with corporate. I used to enjoy the intellectual challenge at the firm (though hated the hours), but in house it’s very ho hum and find myself saying the same things over and over with no changes or improvements in the culture. I hate the politics and lack of follow-through from business people. I like counseling, and think maybe I would enjoy doing something that actually matters to people and that they need. No opportunities where I am for pro bono (I’ve tried and asked). Considering going back for either a certificate in estate planning or a part time tax LLM. Would love to hear any experiences positive or negative and any thoughts from the hive! Any ideas about salary in this area would also be welcome. Thank you!

   1. Can’t fully advise on the actual EP/elder law side of things, but I want from doing public company corporate work at a boutique firm (with regional biglaw hour/salary expectations) to a much smaller firm whose client base is helping small /smallish business owners with their corporate and business needs and it is way more satisfying. Deals are smaller (my biggest one in the past couple years was 5 million, maybe 7, with many deals for $500K or lower) but its much more satisfying to work with actual people. Plus there’s an interesting mix of tax law, real estate (owning and leasing), employment law, etc. that keeps things interesting. I also do corporate work for the EP partners and I think they’d like me enough to let me do more of it if I wanted, but it’s not my personal interest. I’ve found that suburbs of larger cities tend to be better for finding these kinds of firms.

      1. This is what I do, so I could talk all day, but I’ll be brief. Estate planning *is* about the hustle and it’s about personal connections, who you know, etc., and even if people get your contact info from a referral source often they’ll procrastinate on estate planning for YEARS. Probate/guardianship is more of an urgent need, but still not truly an emergency lots of times, and people will ask their friends/financial planners for names of attorneys rather than go to Google. Now if you do Medicaid planning, that’s more of a crisis-type situation, so traditional advertising/marketing can really help a lot more. If you live near lots of retirees, that’s your target market, for probate, guardianship and Medicaid anyway. And you’ll probably want to set up shop or have a location near them. There are difficult people and families, but you learn to deal with them. Just like most attorneys, you have to be nice to clients yet still have a bit of an inner a*hole that you can summon at opportune times. I ALWAYS have couples sign engagement letters waiving the inherent conflict of interest of me representing both of them. If one tries to tell me something offline, I’ll gently remind them that anything they tell me, I’m obligated to share with their spouse. That usually takes care of it. Yes, sometimes (often) I need to play shrink, but I don’t mind that. The hard part is keeping all the meetings on a time schedule because some people want to talk your ear off, and when they’re crying about a family member who died, you don’t want to look at your watch. It’s taken a VERY long time for me to get anywhere close to where I wanted to be, but I do like what I do most days. Let me know if you have any other questions!

   2. That field is all about the hustle. Most clients are not going to be huge repeat customers. It’s a volume business. Do you love business development? If not, it’s not for you.

      1. And there is a ton of handholding that you can’t really bill for because you have a relationship with your clients. You may also be their shrink — can you handle that? And beware of conflicts — you may jointly represent a couple but one may download on you sensitive stuff that you may be ethically obligated to share with the other spouse. Fireworks may ensue.

         1. My specialty is trusts/estates and gift/high net worth individual taxation and I work closely with estate and trust and elder law attorneys. I love what I do, but it’s certainly not easy. You get into the messy weeds of families when you’re doing this kind of thing.

            x 1,000,000 on you being a shrink. If you like counseling people, this might be a good match for you.

            You wanna talk about politics and lack of follow through, though? This is not business politics, with that sugar coated “professional” veneer– instead you’ll get family politics where family members are at each other’s throats, disinheriting children, siblings suing siblings over petty 40 year old grievances, children suing step parents, second generation trust fund beneficiaries who don’t even have basic financial literacy because they’ve never had to figure anything out on their own, elderly people with dementia being kept as medical vegetables while out of state family members have esoteric arguments about “what grandpa would have wanted”, and adult children trying to steal money from their elderly/dying parents. And add a side of grief counseling to it all.

            I worked on one estate where 25% of the total estate was eaten up in legal fees because the two siblings hated each other so much that the attorneys had to handle every detail of the estate administration. And I mean everything. One attorney had to sit there and supervise as the two siblings cleaned out the decedent’s house in two separate shifts and later had to sit there and watch one sibling unpack and repack 15 boxes of china after the two siblings got into a huge argument about who got what china pattern. All at hundreds of dollars an hour.

            Of course, some of your clients and their needs will be fairly straightforward one-and-done type things where everyone is well adjusted and grateful for your help, but the ones where you actually spend a lot of time will be certifiably next level bananas. Like I said, I love this stuff and find human beings endlessly fascinating, but just know what you’re getting into before you go for it.

            1. My best friend’s husband is an estate attorney and this is how he has described his job. He has actually built a robust referral-based business (over 20+ years, of course) so he doesn’t spend a lot of time doing biz dev these days. His oblique descriptions of some of the things he deals with – oy vey. I know I couldn’t do it. But like you, he finds humans and their behavior fascinating and he loves his job. Anthropologists studying death rituals in the United States really should interview estate attorneys.

      2. +1

         In my area, the successful small “firms” in this area do a lot of outreach. For example, the Elder care lawyers are constantly giving talks at Aging community workshops, in senior living facilities, and sometimes forming alliances with township resources for families. They send me a email newsletter that is quite useful. They also have “offices” in several suburbs that flank the major city, as they need to travel to the aging customers more as it is hard for them to get into the city. So it seems like a lot more work for them.

4. I’m visiting inlaws in Westchester this summer. We’d like to drive somewhere (up to 5 hours?) with two kids under 3 for a 4-5 day trip after the visit. Where should we go? Coming from Southeast US so don’t know the area well. We love the outdoors and day hikes – don’t necessarily need water. I’ve heard good things about Stowe… does anyone know about that? Sorry this is vague, would love any input from this knowledgeable group. Thanks!

   1. Portland! Or just Maine generally, it’s absolutely lovely in the summertime. It’s on the water and is definitely a harbor town, but you have great access to all sorts of hikes and outdoors-y stuff nearby — if you want to go a little farther, Acadia National Park is fantastic for that sort of thing.

      1. You could stop in the Mystic CT area and/or Newport along this drive. Neither are a 4-5 day trip but the mystic seaport is neat and a nice waypoint.

         Beware that you will be in the company of the rest of the greater NYC area in your venture from NY to ME, so be prepared for summer-vacation-like traffic along I-95. If you can, travel on off-peak times (don’t head up Friday night/sat morning; don’t head back on Sunday!)

         1. Mystic Seaport is cool!

   2. Lake George and Saratoga Springs. Easy drive up the highway, gorgeous easy hikes, clear water.

      1. Agreed!

      2. +1 We have friends who go there every year and it looks so nice!

         1. Do you know where they stay? I’m now interested too.

            1. A family home, so I’m no help. Sorry.

            2. This is late for you to see, but I would highly recommend considering staying on Northern Lake George, near Bolton Landing or Hague.

   3. Adirondacks are stunning and pretty affordable vacationing. I’d vote that. Or the finger lakes if you’re into baseball and wine tasting of pretty vineyards with only adequate wine (honestly recommending, its awesome, it’s just not Napa).

      1. +1 for the Adirondacks. Look for a cabin to rent on or near one of the many lakes. It is so beautiful up there and the kids will love the lake activities.

      2. +1 for Finger Lakes. Some fun stuff to do with kids in that area too, especially Ithaca and Corning.

         1. another +1 for the Finger Lakes. Lots of nice hikes with waterfalls, and some great waterfall fed swimming holes.

   4. The Mad River area in Vermont (near Stowe) is great and an easy drive from Westchester. Unlike the coastal areas of New England, Vermont can get relatively hot/humid if that’s a concern for you- but it’s not likely to come close to what you’d experience at home.

      If you don’t care about water and are only going for 4 days, I wouldn’t recommend Maine- though I love Portland and the mid-coast area. (And I would strongly discourage Acadia- it’s far from Westchester! People on this board are always throwing that recommendation around like it’s an easy side trip- it’s 3 hours from Portland without any traffic, which is NOT going to happen in the summer.)

      1. The Mad River Valley is great, and you could also combine it with Stowe or even Burlington, as they’re both within an hour.

   5. Stowe is wonderful, but I’m a huge Vermont fan in general. Bike rides, hiking, eating cheese, all of my favorite things! Lots of great hotels and resorts up there too.

   6. OP here – Thank you all so much for these great recommendations. I’ll do some research and probably be back another day with more questions. I really appreciate them, so if anyone else wants to chime in, please do!

      1. Stowe is great with little kids! We stay at Muddy Moose Lodge a 10 minute drive north of there – very nice log cabins lots of hiking on the property and a great river to loll in. My kids love it and look forward to it every year.

         1. And the craft beer scene in Vermont is incredible, if that’s your thing. I took a solo trip last spring and had the best time. So peaceful and lush and green and clean air… would go back in a heartbeat.

      2. Live in Westchester. Finger lakes are great with Ithaca as a home base.

5. Does anyone have any advice on the subject of either for moving in with an S.O. or furnishing an “adult” apartment for the first time?

   I’m going to be moving in with my boyfriend in a few weeks and neither of us has much furniture (the result of living with roommates and tiny shoebox apartments up until this point). Some specifics: We’re in our late 20’s. We’ve saved up some money so that we can buy a few “investment pieces” (a nice couch for one) but the rest will be more cheaply furnished (IKEA, Wayfair, Target). The apartment is pretty big by NYC standards, but with a teeny kitchen.

   Just looking for general “things-I-wish-I’d-done” type tips!

   1. I love the advice in this article https://stylebyemilyhenderson.com/how-to-design-a-room/
      On specific pieces, I’m a big fan of Article couches, and my best tip is don’t be afraid of real color in furniture, beige/gray is not the answer. In terms of decorating together, my husband and I have different taste but we managed to find some overlap, and we both get to have at least one big thing in the house that just speaks to us. Have fun!

      1. I’m so sad that beige is everywhere!!

         1. Check out the Maria Killam site. Her assistant has a lovely LR with some colors in it but IIRC the couch is IKEA.

      2. +1 to Emily Henderson. I regretted buying all oak / white plywood pieces as my alartment looked like a dorm. I threw in some velvet cushions, brass side tables and marble top tables in lieu of the original furniture and the place looks much more grown up, less matchy matchy.

   2. Comparison shop for things you see on Wayfair, Target, and Overstock – I’ve seen the same exact piece at all three places at different price points. Also remember to consider the size of your stairway/doorframe for getting furniture into the place.

      If you’re doing a lot of Ikea (like we did a whole bedroom set), it is well worth the money to go for the taskrabbit add on and get someone to do it for you.

   3. I don’t know that I think of couches as “investment” pieces, but we have kids and pets and have been through several. Just starting out, a good couch might last you awhile, but not forever.
      What has been an “investment” piece for us was our dining room table, which we’ve had for 20 years. But not everyone needs one and they are harder to move around if you end up moving.
      If you don’t have one already, a good mattress is essential. It’s the one thing you use every day and for longer periods of time than a couch or chair or anything else. We invested in our king-size mattress and box spring set a few years ago (sleep number) and it was totally worth it.

   4. Don’t buy too much stuff. There’s nothing worse than an overly cramped small apartment. I lived in 500 square feet with my SO for seven years and you still need to allow space for yourself to breathe. Otherwise, get everything you can off of craigslist or Nextdoor.

   5. I would say measure everything three times to be sure it will fit! Also, as someone else mentioned, how you will get it in (or will it have to be disassembled to go out). Also don’t hurry! Buy the big piece or pieces then think about what you need to make the space work or what you want. I would also suggest comparison shopping Wayfair, Amazon and Overstock. My guy just got his bed from Wayfair and it’s really lovely but I did have to go buy 4 more slats this week.

   6. Get a sleeper sofa/sofa bed if you can. The added flexibility is amazing, whether for sick days at home or having guests to stay.

      1. Counterpoint- they tend to be incredibly uncomfortable to sit on. If you only have one couch, I’d avoid this

         1. I have an IKEA one and don’t find it all uncomfortable but YMMV – try them out in store

      2. I agree, we have a pull-out sofa from West Elm. We haven’t found it uncomfortable to sit on and love having it as an option if one of us is sick or we have out of town guests.

      3. The sleeper sofas from LaZBoy are amazing. My parents and I both have one and you can’t tell it’s a sofa bed at all. And it’s incredibly comfortable to sleep on (with the caveat that we both upgraded to the memory foam mattress).

   7. I love Ikea sleeper couches, but for anything that doesn’t have fabric, I would totally go for used. Secondhand furniture stores, facebook marketplace, craigslist, etc. There is beautiful old furniture all over the place, and it will hold up better than anything particleboard and probably cost less. You don’t have to buy everything at once, either, remember that. Good luck!

      1. +1 – in NYC, people are desperate to get rid of stuff. Even if you find something you like at IKEA, you can often find it used on Craigslist.

   8. Figure out what type of furniture pieces you actually use – e.g. I know everyone “should have” a coffee table and a night stand and dining table etc, but I have found out that I actually don’t use many of the traditional “must-have” pieces. I would first buy what matters most to you (bed, sofa etc), set it out, live with those pieces and only then decide what to buy next. I spent a higher amount on comfortable bed (comfortable mattresses) and sofa (high quality fabric that will not rip, won’t lose color, has deep seats etc), but bought the rest happily and cheaply in Ikea/online/fb marketplace etc. Dust will be very visible on dark furniture (and floors). As someone already mentioned, sofa bed is a wonderful option for guests. Don’t overcrowd yourself with furniture. Leave some free space for movement, maybe buy some potted plants (somehow they elevate the look and feel of apartments). And my rule is that every dresser/wardrobe/cupboard I bring in needs to have good division of space and allow me to stay organized.

   9. I would recommend a small dining table, if there’s room! I’ve just got my first one, since after renting for years in a VHCOL city I’ve only recently moved somewhere big enough, and have been amazed at how nice and homely it feels. Something about being able to sit down to eat makes me feel like I’ve furnished a place like an adult. I would also recommend art (if you’re okay to put a couple of nails in the walls): go to a couple of art fairs, small galleries, or browse sites like artfinder and etsy to find a reasonably priced original piece or two you both like.

   10. Don’t buy everything at once – live there a bit before deciding what you need/want.

   11. If you’re in NYC, look at Aptdeco.com. Housingworks is also a good place for used furniture, although you likely need access to a car/truck/van. And I second the recommendation that you do not buy everything at once. Wait till you find the piece that you like. Also, there are so so so many IKEA pieces on craigslist and aptdeco. You do not need to buy IKEA new.

   12. I bought a IKEA “butcher’s block” (basically a wooden kitchen island on wheels) from a college acquaintance for $50 and it was one of the best things I ever bought for an apartment. It provides extra prep space, plus it has two shelves for storage, and you can keep it in the middle of the kitchen and push it off to the side when needed, or vice versa.

       I wouldn’t buy too much up front, move in and get a “feel” for what you need and what would actually fit in the space. You don’t need to buy all the things right away.

   13. My husband is a big dude. When we were first together, I had a cheapie couch. Within months he had permanently squashed the back and bottom cushions beyond repair. We went through a series of cheap couches before taking the plunge and buying a more expensive one. Our new couch has an attached back cushions (less likely to get misshapen) and a sturdier frame. If I had to do it over again, I would have sucked it up and bought the nicer couch years earlier. It’s much more comfortable for both of us, and it looks a lot nicer since it’s kept its shape.

   14. I love Costco furniture, and the price point for the quality is great.

   15. We have a couch that reclines on both ends, and now that we have had that we basically can’t go back to a normal couch. Also, helps eliminate the need for a coffee table as I find without reclining seats I otherwise need like a coffee table or something to put my feet up on.

       We just bought a super expanding table from Expand Furniture and it’s pretty great, that co seems to have a lot of cool innovate ways to use space well.

6. What are you doing to prepare for coronavirus? I don’t want to sound like a paranoid prepper but for real should I be stockpiling non-perishables?

   1. 1. Nothing. 2. No.

      1. Same

   2. I’m doing nothing to prepare for coronavirus. This whole thing is so overblown.

      1. None of the news I consume, from such level headed sources as the NYT and NPR, suggests that this is “overblown.” Love the blasé Olympics here, but making some preparations is probably wise.

   3. Some variation of this question has come up literally every day for the last week or so.
      You do sound like a paranoid prepper. No.

   4. Yesterday on the afternoon thread, a link was posted to some realistic, level headed instructions. Washing your hands remains top priority.

      1. Here it is again: https://virologydownunder.com/so-you-think-youve-about-to-be-in-a-pandemic/

         Boils down to: stay aware of the situation, practice basic infection protection, do NOT hoard food but rather buy a few more non-perishables than you would normally; make sure your prescriptions are refilled and that you have adequate OTC meds like ibuprofen and acetaminophen.

         1. Is there any validity to the concerns raised about drug supply? I’m wondering if I should also ask my doctor for three month scripts rather than one month.

            1. I’m not sure it’s so much about drug supply and more like you may not want to/be able to leave your home to go to a doctor or a pharmacy. I don’t think the prescription thing is really any different than the general advice to have essentials on hand for 2-3 weeks.

            2. The way I understand it, the reason for getting extra prescription meds (if possible) is to avoid running out at a time when you don’t want to/can’t go to the pharmacy for some reason.

            3. Yes. Many manufacturers are in China and according to the FDA there could be disruptions.

            4. I thought the advice to increase your drug supply was in case you get sick, you won’t need to go out to get more. You can stay at home and rest, and not worry about infecting others.

         2. Oh yeah, good call on the medicines. Always a good idea to have cold and flu meds on hand because the last thing you wanna do when sick is go to the pharmacy for medicine, but even moreso now. But don’t stockpile! A box or two is all you need, maybe “family size” if you have kids. There’s no need to act like the apocalypse is coming.

            1. I guess I get confused about “get a little more food and medicine than usual” and “don’t stockpile” at the same time. Is that not stockpiling?

            2. I think of stockpiling as having a LOT of extra stuff, like way more than you’d realistically need to have at any given time, because you’re afraid of a scarcity. A little more than usual, I’m thinking a couple boxes of Dayquil in the medicine cabinet, a pack of water bottles, and a few days’ to a week’s worth of canned food.

               A couple of months ago I went ham in CVS and bought a lot of the medicines my boyfriend and I typically take when we’re sick, because a lot of it was on sale and I had a coupon, so we’d have some on hand when we did inevitably catch a cold, and neither of us would need to go out and pay full price for what we needed. I didn’t think of it as stockpiling, but definitely stocking up ahead of time. It’s not crazy to have what you need on hand, just don’t take it to an extreme.

         3. Also, stock up on pet food if you have pets. This is not a supply chain issue, per se, but an issue of getting out to the pet store if you are sick or are worried about getting sick.

   5. Read any one of the posts from every single day in the past two weeks to see what readers are doing to prepare for coronavirus.

   6. I think it’s best to plan for this in a similar fashion to prepping for a hurricane. Have enough non-perishables to get you through 2 weeks (assuming supply lines will be disrupted). TBH most of us have enough in our pantries to do this without a special trip to the store. Also have OTC medicines for you, and children, set aside.

      I’m immunosuppressed so I take the threat seriously. I also almost lost my life to an infectious disease 7 years ago. When you’ve survived the worst, it’s now in my dna to always be prepared. I also understand that not everyone feels the same or has had the same life experiences.

   7. It is always a good idea to have several days’ worth of emergency food and water on hand. If you don’t have emergency supplies then yes, get them. Don’t do it because of Coronavirus, just do it because it’s a good practice. You should also store flashlights, batteries, a first aid kit, etc. Several emergency management agencies have checklists on their websites that you can use for guidance.

      1. Thanks, this is probably the attitude I should go with. Medium size Midwest city not much prone to natural disasaters but I should probably have some kind of disaster preparedness going on.

      2. +1 to this. I’m in NOLA, and aside from 6 months of the year being hurricane season, the city is just kinda a cluster**** in general, so I keep a couple cases of water, flashlights, batteries, some packs of tuna/soup/canned veggies, matches, and standard first aid supplies on hand all the time. I think it’s a good practice in general!

         1. Also in a hurricane zone where we’ve had to hunker down for a couple of storms in recent years so we’ve got a lot of supplies on hand In some ways this feels easier because there isn’t as imminent of a threat of extended power outage, falling trees, or floods. All we really need to re-stock is some OTC cold medicine, disinfecting spray, and toilet paper.

      3. Agreed. Most areas are at risk of some sort of natural disaster (hurricanes, blizzards, ice storms, earthquakes) that could necessitate staying at home without power and water for several days. It’s a good idea to have a stash of emergency supplies and enough food to be comfortable. Some of those can occur without warning; others come with warning, but the grocery stores are mobbed with people and run out of supplies.

         Think of it as saving yourself the trouble of going to the grocery store ahead of the next blizzard.

      4. Agreed. I bought a dozen cans of food in the typical brands and styles that we normally eat (tuna, organic peaches, beans, etc.. Not like, Spam or other abnormal foods for us). If it all blows over, then we can just eat the food, no biggie. Plus, we live in LA and earthquakes are obviously always a concern so it’s probably a good idea for us to have some extra canned goods around, regardless.

         1. What, spam is delicious!

   8. Absolutely nothing.

   9. I’m doing nothing currently, and in fact booked two plane trips (one to Italy) yesterday. If there virus starts spreading in my area I would probably stock up on non-perishables just in case we were under quarantine orders and weren’t supposed to go to the store. I’m most worried about the economic implications, honestly.

   10. OMG Stop. It’s a bad cold for most people. My only fear is going on vacation this summer to Europe and getting stuck in a foreign country under some kind of lockdown/quarintine for weeks.

       1. What about getting stuck in your home under lockdown or quarantine, though? How are you going to get food and toilet paper?

          1. Amazon

             1. And if Amazon doesn’t have food and toilet paper because supply chains are disrupted?

       2. Getting stuck in Europe is my dream!

          1. LOL other than getting fired because you can’t get back to work and you exhaust all your leave? If you’re not in a job like that, good for you, but if I was stuck someplace for a time period beyond what I had available leave to cover – most likely I would not have a job to come back to.

             1. And having to pay for a hotel long term! “Getting stuck in Europe is my dream” is such a rich person take. A month or two in a hotel would be ruinous for me financially, and I’m better off than most.

          2. It’s my dream too. Ignore the haters.

   11. I have little kids with asthma, so a bit more than I would otherwise do.

       Stocked up on medicine for their nebulizer (refilled prescription earlier than normal). Made sure my medicine cabinet has the OTC meds we typically need when we are sick (it was – so nothing more to buy). Plan this weekend to buy an extra tub of laundry detergent, toilet paper and paper towels on hand (basically one extra set than we typically have). Pantry and freezer already well stocked.

       All of this stuff is fairly low energy to do. And we can use all of this stuff anyway if this ends up being a big nothing.

   12. I’m retreating to my underground bunker that we built in our yard last year. I have a special delivery spot to accept Amazon deliveries, but I plan to let them sit in quarantine for a week before accessing them to hopefully give the virus some time to die off.

       1. lol

       2. That sounds like a good plan, what color scheme are you going with for your bunker? I can’t decide between Doomsday Gray and Shit Hit the Fan Brown. Did you hire a stylist that specializes in integrating gas masks into your look?

          1. This year’s Pantone Palette: Pandemic Edition features several appealing neutrals:

             Mayday Beige
             Work-From-Home White
             Face Mask Blue
             Phlegm

             For a pop of color, use Hazmat Yellow or Yes-You’re-Contagious-Chartreuse!

       3. 100% agree with this plan, but the CDC recommends a 14 day quarantine, so you might want to consider that for the Amazon packages.

          1. Thanks for the tip! I’ll be sure to wait 14 days.

       4. You might want to get some of those sealable mailer packets that Kat recommended last week. Then you can make returns on your Amazon purchases without touching gross used packages all covered in coronavirus.

          1. or you can seal yourself up in one of the big ones.

             1. This made me for real lol

             2. i loled at this loudly in an airport like a fool

       5. Next up on corpor e tt e– “Is my doomsday bunker professional???”

          1. I literally laughed out loud.

             Consider how the video camera on your laptop will capture the bunker. Do not put psychedelic colours on that wall. Ensure that your stashes of stored water are kept out of sight.

             1. Hahahahahaha.

          2. Hubby and I are planning to renovate our bunker, does anyone know a good contractor? What should our budget be? Will tile floors look too dated? Should we buy comforters or duvets for the beds? Hubby is insisting we let MIL stay with us, but I can’t stand her, she always has an opinion on how I serve canned goods, can I ban her?

       6. Hello dumb dumb – you won’t be getting all your Amazon package with stuff from China, if they are hit with a pandemic and shut down to deal with it.

          This is not a nutty question. And you are not cool by making fun of OP.

          1. Yeah, seriously, such a mean girl attitude here about anybody who asks this completely reasonable question. I honestly do not understand why a full grown adult would react that way. Maybe there’s been a secret influx of bratty teenagers.

          2. Gallows humor is a legitimate way to deal with this. I didn’t read it as poking fun at the OP so much as poking fun at the fact that we’ve literally had questions about this every.single.day for weeks on this site and that there is so much overblown reporting and action taking place. There’s no need to be sweeping the mask aisle clean at CVS or cancelling $1400 worth of plane tickets to somewhere with no active transmission. I say this as an immunocompromised person who is going to continue monitoring the situation and taking reasonable, sensible precautions.

             1. But literally nobody who has asked this question has even hinted that they want to sweep the mask aisle clean or hoard months worth of food. And there are A LOT of people who are pouncing on legitimate questions and being total d!ckheads about it.

   13. I found this link in yesterday’s thread helpful: https://virologydownunder.com/so-you-think-youve-about-to-be-in-a-pandemic/

   14. Just stock up on the supplies you would need to stay home and WFH for two weeks. If nothing happens, you can still use the supplies, or make a food bank donation.

   15. I’ll bite! I’m getting together a small stockpile (~2-week supply) of non-perishables and household supplies, including pet food etc. In my office we are discussing work from home scenarios and contingency planning for schools and public transportation being closed. Starting to think about what games, toys, and activities I want to have in the house if school is canceled for several weeks. Keeping travel plans that involve flights very flexible for the foreseeable future. Not panicking, just preparing as it is being recommended to do so by the CDC and local authorities.

   16. I’m also not doing anything. A friend shared this article that I found interesting – basically we’re all probably going to get it, and it’s likely to turn into another annual thing (cold and flu and covid-19 season). Also, the estimated number of people that have gotten it is suuuper low, so most people that get it are either asymptomatic or fine with supportive medicine (sort of like the normal flu).
       https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2020/02/covid-vaccine/607000/

       1. I mean, if we all get it and 2% of us die the world will survive but it will be devastating. Everyone will know people who have lost loved ones to it, which is not the case with the seasonal flu.

          1. Part of the article is that it’s likely massively under-reported/confirmed, because people have had it without necessarily realizing, so the death toll is probably lower than 2% (I’ve heard that on NPR in the last week or so as well).

             1. My concern is that hospitalization was required for such a large percentage of patients. Hopefully people who will need hospitalization won’t catch it all at once. Lower respiratory infections are more dangerous than the upper respiratory infections we are used to.

             2. On the other hand, I’ve heard the death toll is a lot higher than 2% because many ill people haven’t yet recovered and could still die. There are ~2500 who died and ~30000 people who have officially recovered, so that’s more like an 8% death rate. The rest of the cases are still open and could either die or recover.

       2. This is a horrifying prospect for me. As someone living with immune deficiency, I don’t think I can miss any more work than I already do with the things that go around currently. And the impression I’m getting is that covid-19 seems to last longer than a regular head cold. I will hope for the best, but I really don’t like this possibility.

          1. As someone with asthma for whom every cold turns into horrible bronchitis, I also find this a horrifying prospect, especially the fact that having the disease does not seem to confer lasting immunity.

             1. And the second infection is apparently more serious :(

          2. Exactly this. It’s nice for you super healthy folks, but anyone with a lung condition, immunocompromised, or really any chronic condition (heart, lung, diabetes, etc.) should be somewhat concerned and prepared – and that’s a really big part of the population.

             1. Exactly. I love when people act like — NBD you’re being a paranoid prepper if you’re even following the news on this. Uh I’m sure you can’t tell by looking at my face and I’m not going to share health details with every random colleague in a conference room, but you’d be shocked that a youngish person can still have heart issues. (And other issues.)

             2. +1. Plus, thirty percent of older citizens had serious complications. As is, hospitalized. That means even if you are being cavalier about your own health, you should consider the impact of your decision making on the rest of your family.

   17. Prepare for it like a really bad flu season. It’s not ebola.
       Yes, it is predicted that this will become a widespread illness.
       No, most people won’t get severely sick from it (it’s reported about 80% have no to moderate symptoms)
       Most likely outbreaks will be treated like measles outbreaks – shut down schools or offices where there seems to be a huge spread at once for a short period of time.
       The worry is about a supply chain breakdown from poor access to health care in Asia and what that will do to supplies for U.S. manufacturing.

       1. I think this is what is lost on many people here, and elsewhere. I don’t think the illness will kill millions of people in the United States. I doubt many people will even get that sick. But elsewhere, people are not as healthy (check out air-quality statistics for China in particular, if you’d like), and healthcare is not as robust, and so countries that make goods we purchase may decide to close themselves off rather than risk unchecked spread of the disease. Countries without mass infection adjacent to countries where the illness is spreading may close borders and shut down transport of goods pre-emptively so they don’t risk pandemic in their own country. Maybe folks here don’t understand this, but globalization of manufacturing means that components of goods sometimes cross oceans or country borders multiple times in the course of production, and one disruption in that chain means a good can’t get to market. Ingredients/parts have to get to manufacturers along with packaging, labels, etc. for a manufactured good to go from factory to market, and those components could come from all over the world, regardless of where the final product is shipped from. I think this is where we’re going to see how resilient the global supply chain is to an impact and my suspicion is, it’s more fragile than we anticipated. We’ve already seen China’s response in Wuhan, which was to close down everything. Wuhan is a center for car-parts manufacturing and so car manufacturers are already bracing for that impact. If the shutdown spreads to more provinces, places that manufacture things like clothes, food, household goods, medications, etc. won’t be able to get inputs in or outputs out. Add into that that globally, financial markets are crashing, interest rates are going to fluctuate, money may become harder or more expensive for businesses to access, and the ripples from that will also disrupt people’s jobs, outputs from factories, transport of goods, etc. That’s what people need to prepare for – not the zombie plague from the Walking Dead.

          For all that people here talk about traveling, it’s pretty evident none of you have been to the industrial parts of China or Southeast Asia, or there would be a little bit more understanding about why pretending like this isn’t happening isn’t a good idea.

          1. Yeah, I don’t think preparing for supply chain disruptions is at all overblown or crazy or whatever people keep saying it is. I guess don’t come knocking on my door when you can’t get basic sundries and you don’t have any because you were too proud to prepare.

   18. As someone who grocery shops only when I have to — like I’ve been eating out for days and there hasn’t been food in the fridge for a while — yes I am prepping. I find myself grocery shopping more now even if I don’t “need” to — just to never run out of food totally; and every time I go I find myself grabbing 1-2 extra boxes of pasta or peanut butter, value pack of granola bars, or something like that, just in case. I don’t think it’s true fear as much as — if a cluster emerges overnight in your immediate area, things could be locked down and/or would you REALLY want to go out then and be elbow to elbow with everyone else getting food? Or is it better to do it now when there is really no fear and TBH so what if you end up with 5 extra boxes of pasta and a few extra frozen veggies on hand?

       I think people are burying their heads in the sand on this because it’s an uncomfortable thought. Really what makes us different from Milan or Iran (ok different access to care) or Spain where cases emerged overnight and it literally went from being business as usual to everything being shut down within like 12 hours in certain towns. Even if we didn’t do full lock downs, again I don’t see myself wanting to be out then — I’d want to distance myself from people. If I still lived at home with family though, I feel like I’d do less/nothing because that was a more “family” situation — weekly grocery shopping, pantry always had a ton of food and always had rice and lentils so you really needed nothing more. Since I don’t have that set up now, yeah I’m prepping.

       I’m also not booking flights. Likely I WILL take a quick trip away in March, but I still haven’t booked it so that if I want to not go, I can. Honestly domestic last minute fares are pretty cheap right now, which I think has to do with some cancelation of vacation plans or business trips — not a huge % but still the next day fare that would normally cost $1000+ can be had for $700 so I’m ok waiting until the last minute and paying $700 rather than booking a month in advance and paying $500.

       1. +1

7. Any recs on a decent looking but reasonably priced duffle bag? I have lots of two-night trips for work that require 2 suits; that plus pajamas, a comfy outfit / shoes for the flights, and toiletries takes up a surprising amount of space. I have been using a small rollerboard but increasingly planes are running out of space and forcing people to check their rollerboards so I’m looking for a duffel alternative.

   1. Check out CARAA bags

   2. L L Bean has been great for us.

   3. I just got the Lo and Sons Catalina Deluxe (small) bag, and it’s great. It holds a ton, plus it has a separate shoe compartment.

   4. I don’t know what reasonably priced means for you, but I just flew on a weekend trip with a Patagonia backpack duffle and loved it. It held more than my roller bag and was easy to fit in the overhead bin. I think the all black model would work for most industries, especially if you tend to travel solo and would just need to have something presentable enough to stick in the corner of a conference room on your travel day.

   5. Does it need to be a duffel? I have a cabinzero backpack and see a lot of people at my .org using them too.

   6. Not a specific brand rec (I got mine at a street vendor..) but a tri-fold convertible garment bag with decent sized outer pockets for shoes/toiletries has been a great alternative to a standard duffel for me

8. We’re planning a big trip to Disney in about 6 weeks — would you add travel insurance in case the coronavirus disrupts our plans? Normally I think it’s a waste of money but now IDK

   1. NO! See above post!

      1. Getting travel insurance for a trip isn’t “prepping.” I’m not scared of the virus but I would still be inclined to get travel insurance for a big $$$$ trip, because the risk of cancellations or abruptions seems high – like what if your flights to Disney are cancelled and you’re out $5k for a non-refundable hotel package? OP, check your credit card. A lot of them come with some kind of travel insurance.

         1. Exactly. What is with that reply above? Are people just so existentially terrified of coronavirus that they need to retreat into total denial and pretend nothing is happening? I don’t think it’s going to be the end of the world but if I had outlaid $5k on a trip to Disney, I would be buying travel insurance right now. What if out of “an abundance of caution” Disney shuts down or airports shut down or flights get canceled, etc.? The “Coronavirus is nothing! There’s nothing wrong! You are all just being paranoid! There’s no need to panic!” posts sound more paranoid and panicky than the posts about preparing for Coronavirus.

            1. They really do and I do not understand them. If you don’t want to prepare, fine, but why the need to reply with so much vitriol to people who do? Scroll on by if you don’t think it’s a big deal.

   2. Yes, I would… Disney depends on their parks for revenue and that’s gonna take a huge hit as people prefer to stay home due to the pandemic. Their CEO stepped down yesterday out of nowhere (his planned retirement was 2021).

      https://virologydownunder.com/past-time-to-tell-the-public-it-will-probably-go-pandemic-and-we-should-all-prepare-now/

      1. Omg what does Disney’s revenue have to do with travel insurance?

         1. that they might close the parks. The point about the revenue is that Disney is dropping because the market thinks they will likely have to close or curtail the parks. https://stocktwits.com/symbol/DIS This indicates there is a real risk of Disney closing the parks. This would factor in on my decision to buy travel insurance for a Disney trip, and I concluded my personal risk tolerance would be to purchase the insurance.

            I agree I left out some logical steps in my comment, hopefully I connected the dots a little bit.

            1. Yeah, definitely take your travel advice from the stock market. Eye roll.

            2. Anon at 3:22 – LOL. I’m eye-rolling at your cluelessness. The markets are a reflection of what’s going on in the world. Ignore those signals at your own peril.

   3. Are you booking through Disney (i.e. staying at a Disney hotel, etc.?) I ask for a couple of reasons: 1) Disney allows you to cancel with no penalty up to 30 days in advance, so you could still cancel in a couple weeks if you needed to without losing money, and 2) I was at Disney a couple years back when there was a hurricane coming through. We ended up having to leave early to evacuate by car since our flight was cancelled. The parks were closed, but the resorts were open. We stayed in our room past checkout time, but left around midnight to get on the road. Disney, unsolicited, refunded our room for the night that we had to leave early, even though we used the room well into the night. I kinda feel like Disney tries to make things right, so I wouldn’t worry too much about something coming up last minute.

      1. Honestly, I would probably take more of a risk with Disney than other places. We were able to completely cancel and 100% refund our Disney package and flights (on Southwest) due to a hurricane several years ago. The park closed for a day and flights were messed up, so we cancelled completely and got every dime back of our deposits, with nothing owed. If you have the same disruptions from Covid-19, I would assume the same from Disney.

   4. Your biggest financial risk is that Disney closes its parks. I think this is unlikely, but it is within the realm of possibility. For instance, the Asian parks are closed. If that happens, I am near 100% sure Disney will refund your tickets or allow you to use them in future. That means no financial risk

      Are you staying on Disney property? If they close the park, you will be refunded the hotel. Again, no financial risk. If you are off property, there is a risk the hotel holds you to your reservation which has no purpose because the park is closed. Assess your cancellation rights and determine what the risk/penalty is.

      That leaves your flights – if Disney closes, I imagine most air travel to Orlando will have also ceased. If your flight is cancelled you will get your money back. However, maybe the airplane won’t cancel – then you will be on the hook for airfare. Depending where you are coming from and with how many, this may be a lot or a little.

      So I guess it comes down to risk. If $50 of travel insurance could protect $10k of hotel and flight reservations, I’d probably do it. If your worst case scenario is $1k out of pocket, my decision would be different.

   5. Check your credit card benefits. Book using one that will cover your out-of-pocket cost if travel becomes restricted – various reasons are usually listed in the trip cancellation benefits. I haven’t checked, but I heard that if the CDC raises the threat level to Level 3 for your travel destination, only then can you can get reimbursed for the cost of plane tickets via most credit cards. That doesn’t seem likely. But I don’t think you’d do much better with trip insurance – they probably reimburse for the same threat levels, or if there is bad weather or you or family members are actually sick.

   6. It often needs to be purchased within 10-15 days of booking nonrefundable travel, so it may be too late for that.

   7. We always get travel insurance now.

      DBF became very ill on our trip to Alaska last summer and the insurance helped us get reimbursed for the costs his regular health insurance didn’t/wouldn’t cover.

      Word of advice: read the terms carefully.

   8. If you do buy trip insurance, look very carefully at what it covers. I’ve read that many insurers are taking the position that covid-19 is already known at this point and won’t pay out for cancellations due to covid-19 for traditional policies bought now. I think there was a NYT or NPR article on this.

   9. travel insurance is fairly inexpensive so if you do not have any protections through credit cards, i would at least get a quote. I have had good experiences with Travel Guard.

9. After five years as a biglaw partner, during which I’ve had some high-highs (highly-satisfied clients and high-quality work) and some low-lows (weak business development and strong burnout), I’ve received the message that it is time for me to “transition” to of-counsel and stay OR to leave within six months. I have to decide my path in the next week, so I’m trying to put aside the horrible feelings of failure and awfulness for now and make a rational decision about which option is better for me. So, would you stay after a demotion, or job search with your current title? What if you loved your work but were worn out by firm life… yet had no idea what you would do next, or even what failed partners do? (And, just to make it especially “fun,” what if you had other life changes coming up — like a child on the way and/or your husband already planning to change jobs?)

   All insight appreciated, but please, be gentle: I feel awful and know what I should have done differently, but I can’t go back, so I need to look ahead with a clearer head and not just panic in my office.

   1. I would stay, transition to of counsel, and coast and enjoy my maternity leave and stability for now, while also job searching to make a career change.

      1. This. Since it sounds like business development that partners need to do was a problem, this takes that problem off the table, freeing up head space to enjoy the good parts (highly satified clients and high quality work) and also lean out just a little bit to help with the burnout.

      2. Yup, this. Enjoy the stability and consistency of counsel at least through a maternity leave. Plus the regularity of a paycheck. I personally think an economic downturn is coming and I’m not sure being an equity partner is going to be a great thing for most if that happens (like me personally…).

   2. Sorry this is happening to you! I’d take the demotion and actively job search – it might actually be easier as of counsel to go in-house if that appeals to you as partner-level gigs are harder to find and get (bias favors those in-house at that level). I’d look at mid-level firms for a lateral, no shame in what’s going on. Legal careers are long and people change firms, jobs, titles all the time.

      1. +1. If you want to go in-house, the demotion actually helps you. You won’t be assumed to be “too expensive,” and you can say that after experiencing partner life, your skill set is much better at focusing on the work itself rather that business development distractions.
         Hugs.

   3. Oh, my dear. I’m sorry. Hugs. Biglaw is designed to squeeze the last drop out of you and then discard you; you are not a failure.

      I was never partner (left for in-house as a mid-level), so others may have differing advice, but I think I’d try to search with the current title. There are a lot of places that will be glad to have someone with biglaw partner experience. Only you, however, can answer the questions about what you want to do next. Do you hate business development? If you are leaning strongly towards of-counsel due to burnout and baby on the way, then go for that. Only you and your partner, too, can answer how a career change will affect your lives. How far along are you? How far in the job hunt is your husband?

   4. In your shoes, I would look to leave, even if it’s to go to another firm in an “of-counsel” role. I think the change of role would be too demoralizing to ever really succeed in the role – and you have to keep in mind that your former partners are also likely to think of you as someone who used to be a partner.

      I was given the “you need to find another job” talk at my biglaw firm (different situation – I was an associate who wasn’t going to make partner), and it took me about nine months to get out of there. Worst nine months of my career. You’ll be better off somewhere else.

   5. First off, try to figure out what you want, which is so hard when you’re already established in your career. Ask around for a trusted recruiter or career coach and talk about your prospects with that person. Second, you don’t necessarily need to accept the firm’s 6 month timeline. Especially if you are pregnant, then I think you have extra ability to push back and say that you need more time. They want you to go along without a fuss–if they don’t want the fuss, they can bend a little.

   6. It’s a bold move from an employment law standpoint to demote a pregnant partner.

      1. This. Your negotiating power is pretty good right now – I’d negotiate to at least ride out the partner title through the end of the year, inclusive of maternity leave – make sure you mention how the timing is not ideal given your maternity status and end with a hard stare so they take in the implication. You could at the very least start interviewing on the tail end of your maternity leave.

         1. All. Of. This.

      2. Right? Like she has six months to decide?

         If your maternity leave starts before the six months are up, I’d be strongly inclined to say that you’ll decide upon your return from maternity leave, then job hunt for next few months.

         1. No, she has a week to decide.

            1. What this poster is saying is to tell them that, no, she will decide when she gets back from maternity leave, creating the strong implication that demoting a pregnant partner with a week’s notice is not a good look.

      3. I’ve heard at some firms there’s essentially no paid maternity leave for K-1 partners, but there’s the full associate paid maternity leave for of counsels, who are employees. So, of counsel status could be beneficial for maternity leave. The timing is also explainable to future employers as wanting to work more reasonable hours and take a full leave rather than the absurd hours of a partner at this stage of life.

         That said, the optics of the situation are not great for the firm, and I’d encourage a friend to consult counsel and negotiate for her desired result. And to consider if this move has nothing to do with her work—some firms have a practice of engaging in pregnancy discrimination.

         1. +1 to all of this

   7. I’m sorry that this is happening to you at all……and especially right now.
      I would transition to counsel, enjoy a serious ramp down – maternity leave – ramp up period…..and then leisurely job hunt. Searching for a job while pregnant doesn’t sound like fun, and you should make sure you’re able to fully take advantage of the maternity leave you’ve earned at your current firm.

10. If an invitation said a “light lunch” was being served, what would you expect? This is a work event, not a social event, if it matters, and the event is held at a normal lunchtime (noon).

    1. Sandwiches and potato chips but not a knife-and-fork meal. Put a protein bar in your handbag for mid afternoon just in case.

    2. Sandwiches and salads, no hot food.

11. On a whim I went into an All Saints store yesterday when a work dinner cancelled on me and tried in what is billed as a mini dress. It actually fit off the rack and this usually never happens. I’m 5-4 and short-waisted and usually the garments waist is where my stomach is. And the dress wasn’t mini on me at all since I’m pretty short. The price was more than MMLF but less than the DVF wraps I have bought only to have them never quite work — I may start stalking similar buts on eBay now that I know my size. My dress has a gathered shirt so no pear issues either. I work FT and have kids so my life is just mail order and return mostly and when I travel for work I rarely have time on my calendar to go into a store and try things on.

    1. Nice! I always appreciate these posts when people discover new brands/styles or specific garments that work well for their figure, or great quality (especially over time).

       Link to the dress?

       Thanks.

    2. What dress did you buy? I’m a similar shape!

       1. The aislyn evolution one. I am eyeing a pair of going-out jeans. All of mine are weekend basic jeans. We will see!

12. I have a dating question. I have been seeing a guy for around 3 months now. We like each other a ton and I can definitely see it going somewhere serious, but because I had some bad dating experiences last year, I’m trying to take things slowly and he’s on board with this.

    This guy likes to go out to eat a LOT and to nicer places. In the beginning, he tried to insist on paying but after a couple of dates I told him that if we’re going to be seeing each other regularly we need to split dinners, take turns on the smaller stuff, and we can treat each other once in a while. We’ve been doing this for the last two months.

    This past weekend, we were talking about traveling on credit card points, and he mentioned that he has credit card debt that he is working on paying off — we didn’t talk numbers but it sounds fairly notable, not one or two extravagant months. I am super super super conservative about my finances and never carry a balance and save a lot of money (over 30% gross annually), so this of course kind of scared me.

    I do not feel like man’s finances are any of my business at this stage. The fact that he seems to not have it together is a yellow flag, but I do not want to take this on as my problem to solve, at least not until we are further along and really seriously talking about a future together, which might not be for months.

    I’ve been feeling the budget strain of our pricey dinners too. I’d like to pivot us to more evenings of cooking at home with occasional dinners out at cheaper, more low-key places (I know a bunch of great cheap eats), for both of our (financial) sakes. But the last two times when I suggested staying in or going somewhere cheaper he insisted that he wanted to take me to a place he loved — he really does like going out and the places he knows are legit good, so it’s not easy to say no in the moment. I feel like having a clear goal of “we’re doing more X because of Y” would work better.

    Would you say something explicitly about this and if so, how would you frame it?

    1. I wouldn’t say anything to him about HIS finances but I would definitely try to rein in my OWN spending. And if he’s pushing your boundaries now, what will he be like later? It’s not the money per se, it’s the attitude that he gets what he wants, sense and sensibility be damned.

    2. I guess I’m different from a lot of people here because I don’t think credit card debt is scary or the end of the world.

       1. Yup very different

          1. Anonymous at 10:26 – what’s scarier to me that CC debt? Waking up every day and having to be you. That must be really, really difficult. My condolences.

             1. So strange

             2. You don’t think your CC debt might be increasing your stress and therefore your nastiness on this site?

             3. haha, I don’t have any. But if you’re one of the people who feels like there is no post for which you can’t come up with snarky one-liner, like the poster above? We’d all be better off without you here.

       2. Perhaps not the end of the world but financial irresponsibility is a deal-breaker for me. I would not get more serious with an adult man who can’t figure out how to live within his means and is unwilling to make temporary sacrifices to get his sh*t together.

       3. I agree in the sense of how big is the credit card debt in comparison to his finances. If he has $6k in credit card debt but makes $300k per year and it’s there because he keeps forgetting to do a month end pay off, it’s not a big deal. A poor practice, but not a big deal.
          If he makes a lot less and is using the card to float monthly expenses that he can’t really afford it’s a big deal.
          But neither of the two above are your problem unless you’re really serious about one another. For now, insist on cooking at home or going to a cheap place when it’s your own turn to pay. If he wants an expensive place, the answer is “no, I don’t want to go there”.

       4. To me, what makes it alarming in the context of this guy is that he’s seemingly living a lifestyle he can’t afford, rather than having credit card debt from a specific emergency, like a car repair or medical bill, or at least that’s the impression OP has. I think it’s definitely worth OP asking about it if it’s a problem for her.

       5. Seriously, you don’t find credit card debt (incurred for luxuries like restaurants, not because of something like a health emergency or a temporary situation like relocating) to be scary? Don’t tell me, let me guess – you’re going to not pay, and the rest of us are going to be left holding the back.

    3. I would say “this has been great but I can’t afford to keep eating out at fancy places all the time. We need to either eat in or go some place casual more often.”

    4. If you end up married to this guy, his financial problems will become your financial problems. Will you be stuck funding the mortgage and other living expenses because his take-home pay is eaten up servicing his debt?

       I feel too strongly about living comfortably within your means that I would actually ask him about the debt, even though it’s early. If it’s the result of a medical emergency and he’s tackling it… not ideal, but ok. If it’s just from regular spending because he wants what he wants, I’d break up — why waste the time?

       1. I agree with this. I’d want to know what the debt came from but if it came from just regularly spending more than he could afford on non-essentials, I would not be comfortable. I have dated this guy. He was in debt but also always wanted to go to the nicest places and liked to buy me pricey gifts. I couldn’t really enjoy any of it knowing he was going further into debt to do all of it.

       2. +1

          This is a basic value issue for me, and is a deal breaker for a long term partner. Financial values that differ is one of the greatest sources of conflict in a marriage, if you are looking for long term partners.

          You can easily bring it up by saying you love eating out, but it is straining your budget, and use that as a segway into talking about your values/stressors about money.

       3. Yeah, if you’re dating him with the idea that you might marry him, and this is a potential dealbreaker, then it’s your business at any stage.

          1. Yeah, if you’re dating with the idea of marriage, talk about this now and make an informed decision. Why waste your time?

             Open it with Anon at 10:26’s script.

    5. It’s better to pitch an idea as moving toward a positive rather than avoiding a negative. I’d frame it as, let’s incorporate some more relaxed time together. Some suggestions: 1) I find it really romantic to cook a meal together at home, can we do that this weekend; 2) I’d like to mix it up by having some more casual nights too, can we Netflix and chill; 3) There are a couple of great casual places I’ve been wanting to show you, will you indulge me.

       In his defense, he might be sticking to more formal dates because you told him you want to take it slow. Generally, relaxed nights at home mean a relationship is progressing. I’d give the benefit of the doubt that he’s trying to respect your boundaries.

       As far as finances, it’s ok to flag this issue for future conversations, but you don’t have enough information to make a judgment call, and by the time you do, it might not be an issue anymore. It’s a big leap to see cc debt = doesn’t have it together. People end up in debt for lots of reasons that have nothing to do with being financially irresponsible – maybe he had a medical emergency. He has a plan to pay it off and he didn’t hide it from you – both are good signs. I get the concern he’s going to fancy places when he’s in debt, but again, you don’t know his entire financial picture and what other changes he’s made to accommodate the debt. I’d file this away for future inquiries and let it go for now.

    6. I think it’s good to be concerned but if you are both young, this may be part of learning how to be a grownup that he can engage in. (If he’s over 35, this behavior is entrenched and I would tread very, very cautiously about moving forward with the relationship). My husband had a pretty cavalier attitude toward money when we got together (because he grew up not having any, so having $100 in his bank account felt like a fortune) and within a few years of us getting together he became very responsible and financially conservative, as he started understanding how present actions affect future possibilities.

       Debt, like money, is a tool. That’s all it is. It’s neither the best thing ever or the worst thing in the world. There are good reasons to put some expenses on credit cards you can’t pay off right away, but for me those fall into the following categories: medical expenses, repair expenses (car or home), traffic/speeding tickets, or other emergency expenses you just can’t do anything about other than pay them. I believe it’s much better to pay off a car repair bill with a credit card than go without a vehicle and maybe get fired because you can’t get to work on time. Or pay off a traffic ticket so you don’t end up with a bench warrant, which some cities incarcerate people for now. Because then you have a more serious set of problems to deal with. But the focus needs to be on paying it off.

       What I think is problematic is putting money on a credit card for things like “I like to eat at nice restaurants” or “I love new clothes” and then not paying it off. Or, if debt has accumulated for emergency reasons, the eating at fancy restaurants continues rather than a focus on paying off the debt. That’s worth a conversation if and when things go toward getting serious. That problem behavior would obviously have to stop for you to feel comfortable.

       As for right now – you just have to say, “hey, the eating out at Le Bernardin every week has been fun but I can’t afford it. I watched this great video on YouTube on how to make ramen bowls at home – want to try it out?” You can’t do what you can’t do, whether you can’t do it because you literally don’t have the money in the bank for it, or you can’t do it because you have other financial goals. If he’s not with that, he’s not the right guy for you and then at least now you know.

       1. +1 I learned a couple lessons when I’m younger.

          I am older, wiser and very financially stable now. Don’t run for the hills unless he’s into “old enough to know better” territory – which I agree is probably about 35+

    7. Carrying a balance on a credit card would be a deal breaker for me unless it was clear he was dialing back his lifestyle in an effort to pay it off.

       Most marriages break up over financial issues. I would be super cautious about someone who is so blase about consumer debt for fancy dinners.

    8. Thank you all — I appreciate everyone’s perspectives and will come back later to read more. You’ve given me some things to think about and some reassurance, based on some factors that I can’t include to not out myself/him.

    9. If he’s working to pay it down, I’d say the guy has realized he messed up and he turning his stuff around, so I wouldn’t necessarily be turned off by the existence of debt. I’d be more concerned if he was continuing to rack it up or just letting it sit there.

       That said, going forward I would definitely suggest cheaper dates, because you’re trying to keep expenses low and you know he’s getting his finances back on track. I might also let him know that you’re giving him the benefit of the doubt here, but financial responsibility is important, so if backslides and racks up more debt, that’s gonna be a dealbreaker.

13. I saw something yesterday that less than 1% of people who OD have opioid prescriptions. I think it was a news piece, so who knows the full back story or who is putting it out there. But it reminded me of the old view that prescribed opioids aren’t addicting. Several years ago I clearly recall reading in the WSJ that people who were in them for a week seemed to be the tipping point for people who will have dependency issues (and my fear is that maybe the people who OD and die don’t have current prescriptions but I bet that they maybe started down the road to an OD with a legit prescription and took them for a week as prescribed and then couldn’t stop and turned to illicit means).

    I have surgery coming up and really really fear becoming an addict and while I think one or two pills post surgery would probably be OK more than that would create more risk than I want. In fact, maybe it would be better to have none.

    How do you know which sources to trust? Even doctors seem to have all thought sincerely that this stuff was completely safe and now I doubly that anyone has time to define “safe” or even ethically experiment with how many pills creates undue risk.

    1. Doesn’t the 1% just mean current prescriptions? Lots of people start with a prescription and then end up on heroin. I don’t think it’s a silly thing to be worried about, but I also think there are some surgeries where you probably have to take them. I’d probably recommend filling the prescription but not taking them. Where I think you can get into trouble is if you’re taking them preventatively or trying to stay “ahead” of pain – like setting an alarm in the middle of the night to take a pill before you’re even in pain. Wait until you’re really in pain, and then take them. I’ve been prescribed opioids several times and have never taken them, but I also haven’t had major surgery.

    2. It’s ok to use opioids to treat post surgical pain. You are excessively anxious.

       1. +1 that is what they are for, not to get you high.
          As soon as you can manage the pain you make the switch to ibuprofen/acetaminophen (whichever dr recommends). Some take one in the evening if pain ratchets up then. 3 family members had major surgeries
          ( feet/shoulder/knee) and were off meds within days.
          Easy does it

       2. IDK — I’d be more anxious about this than coronavirus honestly.

          1. 1000%

          2. Jesus Christ, why are you so worried about people being worried about coronavirus?

             1. Seriously!

             2. Existential terror.

                Also, we have a lot of folks here who have the mindset that they do everything “right” and make all the “right” choices and so nothing bad can or will ever happen to them, because doing things “right” exempts you from being subject to the chaos of the universe, or something. So coronavirus is not a problem because they’re rich/pretty/fit/went to the “right” schools/joined the “right” companies/bought the “right” house and nothing is going to mess up their perfect life, even a global pandemic. They would rather pretend the threat doesn’t exist than admit this is a situation that’s outside of their control where bad things might happen to them despite the fact they do everything “right.” That’s my theory, anyway.

             3. Anon @ 12:55 I think you’re spot on.

             4. I think some people are choosing to keep calm about it, but seeing people stressing over it is stressful for them, so the impulse is to shut it down. That said, I think that part of choosing to stay calm (or as Doctor Mike says, “alert not anxious”) is being able to hear other people stressing over it and not letting it rattle you. We need to accept that different people will have different feelings about this issue, and different reactions to various news stories regarding the virus.

       3. I don’t think OP is being excessively anxious. Having seen addiction in my family and how strong these drugs are, I think it’s a good thing to think about up front. I don’t know what kind of surgery you have coming up, but do you have any past usage history you can call upon? For example, I had to take Percocet in 2004 after a knee surgery and it made me incredibly nauseated. Fast forward to 2018, I needed to have another procedure and was feeling anxious about opioids based on current events. I decided to start off using the prescription-strength ibuprofen and fill the Vicodin prescription as a backup, but not go to it immediately. This, combined with my history of hating the ‘high’ of opioids, made me feel a lot less anxious about potential addiction issues. I ended up not using the opioids at all in 2018, and my anxiety was manageable.

       4. I had surgery recently and they were very clear about when to take the opioids: e.g. the first few days because you NEED to be moving and then stop and go to over the counter meds, unless we discuss something different because of unforeseen issues. I followed those instructions, felt that they made sense given the level of pain, then got rid of the remaining meds after a month because there’s no reason to keep that around.

    3. Have you talked with your surgeon about your concerns? There are other options for treating post-surgical pain.

    4. For me, it would depend on the severity of the pain you experience post-op. I declined opioids after having my wisdom teeth out. It hurt, but I get super nauseous with opioids and was worried about dependency so I just relied on advil to get me through, and it was fine. If you’re having major invasive surgery I would talk to your doctor about your concerns, maybe they can put your mind at ease and discuss a realistic timeframe for how long you need to take the meds.

       1. This. Ask your doctor about what your options are for treating post-surgical pain. This could depend on what type of procedure you are having. I’m also one of those people who doesn’t really like the way opioids make me feel and rarely took more than a couple the times they were prescribed. My spouse is the same way.

    5. You’re not going to turn into an addict for responsibly taking pain medication after surgery.

       1. Actually millions of people have turned into addicts this way. Read Dopesick or Dreamland.

       2. How do you really know that? There was an article a while ago over how it was routinely prescribed to teens after wisdom tooth extraction and they would always get hooked but a chunk of them then had major life turns with addiction that started off with an Rx from a doctor taken as directed.

          1. Agreed. It’s a real risk that people need to consider. Anyone who hasn’t dealt with opioid addiction in their family (and seen how it starts) might not be able to understand, but you think it’s nothing until it isn’t.

       3. Yes you absolutely can. When I got my wisdom teeth removed, my doctor wrote me a script for opiods with THREE refills. I ended up only taking half of one because my mother was diligent that I would not get addicted, despite my doctor way over prescribing.

          1. Shame on your doctor for writing an Rx for opioids with 3 refills. You should have only had a few days’ worth at most.

             1. 100% agree. 8 years later I still think about what a horrible decision that was on his part, and how many lives he’s probably ruined doing it to other people who didn’t have someone looking out for them and thought they were doing the responsible thing by taking meds as prescribed.

       4. A lot of people did though. And yes 10 years ago doctors prescribed them more freely and often gave them to you for too long but many addicts became addicts by taking opioids exactly as their doctors prescribed.

          1. I’m not sure it’s all in the past. I gave birth (v*ginally) last year and left with a Vicodin prescription for 30 days. I never even took a Tylenol, and was sore for a few days and then completely fine. I have no idea what those doctors were thinking giving me a prescription like that, but they’ve no doubt ruined many lives this way.

       5. Many people who end up addicted started with a valid post-surgery prescription.

    6. You could ask for fewer (not none) pills than they would prescribe. You can think about if you are prone to addictive behavior (alcohol, shopping, eating disorders) and if that would put you at higher risk. You can think about if you have other stressors in your life that might make you more at risk for addiction, and think about how to manage those.

       You sound a little over-anxious, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to worry a bit. Talk to your doctor, because you also don’t want to do anything to jeopardize your recovery, and staying on top of pain is part of recovery. I worried a bit about a nephew who got opioids for knee surgery, because I think there is a decent population of teens who got addicted because of opioids for surgery, including wisdom teeth removal, but he’s fine. They followed the doctor’s plan for pain management and, far as I know, didn’t have any trouble with addiction.

       1. +1 Talk to your doctor and share your concerns. Maybe there are alternatives (nerve block, NSAIDs, etc.) or they could prescribe a smaller amount or recommend a partial fill. There’s so much opioid litigation and legislation that most doctors are really cognizant of this stuff – the same doctors who used to routinely prescribe opioids for 30 days post-op are now being much more careful and thoughtful. They should be willing to work with you and understand your concerns.

    7. You also can take less than what’s prescribed. I had stomach surgery and was prescribed a certain number of pills and ended up only needing to take one the second day after surgery. I think they may have also given me tylenol 3, so I just relied on that and advil for about a week then was fine. See how you feel after surgery and once the surgical pain meds wear off and reassess. If you need something on the 2nd day, take one and see how you feel.

       1. +1 If you’re worried about it (and I think it’s good to have that concern in mind) just try taking the pills for one or two days and then switching to something else. Start with 1/2 of a pill, and let your nurses know that is your plan. (Nurses can be very helpful here). I did that with both C-sections and was fine to take ibuprofen only by day 5 with the 1st one and day 3 with the 2nd one.

       2. +1

          What kind of surgery are you having OP? It’s possible that Tylenol or ibuprofen will do the job after a day or two.

    8. You could maybe just try seeing how you feel as pain is different for everyone.

       Anecdata – I had a c-section and felt amazing after it with pills being regularly given by nurses. When I was reviewed for discharge, was given a prescription for 20 Oxy and freaked out (“like, is this why I feel so good???”). Asked the nurse who told me the resident was over eager and they had been giving me otc extra strength Tylenol and to just try that at home and not fill the prescription unless it got worse (which was unlikely on day 4).

    9. I know a few things about opioids. Good to be concerned and aware but don’t let fear of opioids keep you in pain. Speak with your doctor about your concerns. Opioids are best for acute pain post surgery. You don’t say what the surgery is, but the following would be my recommendation.
       Day 1 After surgery: Take opioid every 4 hours (and if needed an anti-nausea pill) and stay ahead of the pain. Given the time for the opioid to act waiting until you actually feel pain does not do you any good.
       Day 2: Continue taking opioid every 4 hours until afternoon and then in evening try Tylenol
       Day 3: If Tylenol worked last night, then continue with that and you are done with opioids. If not, then every 4 hours switch opioid then next time Tylenol
       Day 5: Worst of the pain should be gone and you should be on Tylenol only.
       PS – make sure you drink lots of water and you may want to pick up an OTC stool softener.

       1. Second this type of scheduling of opioids (having just recovered from major surgery – a bilateral mastectomy – I can honestly say that I needed that type of drug and it was a very important part of my recovery plan), but I would just comment that taking at night and using Tylenol during the day worked better for me as a I weaned off. I could manage the pain more readily during the day with Tylenol, but really needed the help overnight (longer time period) and to get comfortable to sleep at first.

    10. So, I had back surgery in summer of 2018. Historically, back surgery/back pain is one of the more popular times when you would be prescribed opioids. Like you, I had some concerns about the post-surgery pain (which might have been eased by opioids) and a concern about becoming dependent on them.

        First, like others have suggested, talk with you doctor about it. I did, and actually my surgeon’s medical practice has a policy that they do not prescribe more than a 4 days’ supply of any opioid at one time. Now, I’m not sure why four days was the time frame (other than to just not give you an unending supply/open ended prescription and have a check in to see how you are really doing), but the point is that this particular practice was very concerned about its patients becoming dependent, so they limited the number of prescription they wrote overall, as well as limited the amount of the prescription itself.

        And, after discussing with my surgeon, he found it wasn’t necessary after the type of surgery I was having to prescribe this type of drug, so he didn’t prescribe it. And, it turns out I didn’t need it. Also the 4 day supply limit was so that if someone called asking for an extension on the prescription, that person could be evaluated to see what was happening, rather than just call in a refill.

        My point is – lots of doctors are very, very sensitive about prescribing opiodis now. Your surgeon might not prescribe them at all, or the prescription might be limited in such a way that it would be difficult to develop a dependency, or, with a limited prescription, there are more “checkpoints” to assess for dependency.

    11. I haven’t read all the comments, but I’ve had 2 c-sections in the last 8 years and took opioids both times. The post-op pain would have been unbearable without them. I did not need them for too many days after discharge. More recently I had my wisdom teeth removed and was able to control pain with ibuprofen only. Bottom line: Please do not forego effective pain control over fear that you will become addicted to opioids. The advice to stay ahead of your pain immediately following surgery cannot be emphasized enough. I did a poor job of this after my first child was born and made a point of asking for pain meds every time I was eligible to receive them after child #2 and still had trouble staying ahead of the pain in the first few days after delivery.
        TL/DR: If you have never had dependency issues before and can tolerate narcotics, I would definitely take opioids as prescribed by my treating docs.

        1. I had a very similar experience – was a no-opioid marytr with the first C-section, and got opioids for the second C-section which was *much* better. I took them for a few days, then stopped and it was totally fine, didn’t need or miss the drugs.

           FWIW, my mom got oodles and oodles of pain med tablets for a broken foot, even though she wasn’t in a lot of pain, so much so that she was kind of appalled at the prescription amounts (she’s a retired pharmacist). She’s in a rural area of an East Coast state. My husband broke his harm very, very badly in LA, and it was a complete slog/PITA to get even the prescribed pain meds. I had to go to multiple pharmacies, answer a lot of questions about why he needed the meds, have pharmacists tell me they couldn’t order X amount of a particular drug because there was a cap for their store, etc. He’s not someone I would think of as a typical drug-seeker so it was quite eye-opening after reading all about pill mills where doctors hand out pain meds like candy.

    12. (Source: Spouse is a physician) There’s nothing wrong with taking opioids for a limited amount of time after something like major surgery. That’s what they are there for. The problem is when doctors, instead of writing a few pills’ worth, write a month’s worth. But if you’re disciplined, haven’t had dependency issues before, and have a goal to get off opioids as soon as possible and go to Motrin, you’ll be just fine.

    13. The origin of the theory opioids are ok for pain treatment and won’t be addicting was a 5 sentence letter to a medical journal. It was then cited uncritically in over 600 publications. Don’t accept the common wisdom on this one. Talk to your doctor about alternatives to the usual Tylenol with codeine script. Even a casual search will lead you to the stories of too many people whose addiction started post back surgery.
        .

14. Unicorn hunting: Does anyone have a great comfort mid-calf boot that looks good with skirts? Thinking Clarks/Sofft/Born/Earth. Need ankle support, padding, low heel, and good for duck feet.

    1. Sam Edelman Penny Boot. Comes in regular and wide calf, and in several colors. I got mine from Nordstrom, but I think they also sell them on Zappos, etc.

       1. +1 Most comfortable boots I’ve ever worn.

15. Whee I’m down $150K this morning from 3 days ago. Nothing like a stock market dip to remind you it’s all on paper.

    1. That’s why I don’t look at my balances every day. I’m in it for the long haul.

    2. buy the dip, lol

    3. Congrats on being very wealthy

       1. Riiiight? Congrats on having an investment portfolio worth around $3M!

       2. As my dad always said, it’s paper – you can wipe your a$$ with it.
          I don’t think you’re the same pro-Trump poster who crows about her investments, but if you are … maybe think about that.

       3. Hey Anonymous? There are going to be people on a board geared towards successful chicks who are financially successful. Deal with it.

          1. why so defensive?

          2. It’s an obnoxious post, signaling a huge amount of wealth and a ‘woe is me’ tone. Deal with it.

    4. It’s time to buy.

    5. A good friend of mine used to say “it’s only down if you have to sell.”

       1. Word.

       2. Right. If you don’t immediately need the money, don’t worry about it. Now is a great time to buy, when the market’s down, if someone has cash lying around.

    6. Put more money in and ride it out.

    7. Stocks are on sale! I don’t have to sell now, and I’m buying (with my retirement contributions) so I’m not upset.

16. I can’t talk to my real-life friends about this so I’ll boast here because I’m feeling so good. Just threw $50k (bulk of my bonus) at my remaining law school loans (started with over $200k), which brings me down to $25k – I’ll be done by the end of the year! And our financial advisor said we are on track for retirement AND college for our toddler! I haven’t felt financially responsible in years and I finally do.

    1. Hooray, congrats!

    2. Yahoo!!!

    3. WTG! Congrats!

    4. Wooo!!!

    5. Wonderful! Go, you!!

    6. Yay!! Congrats!!

    7. Sweet!

17. I would love some advice from someone with a longer term outlook on budgeting and money handling, since I think I’m being pretty neurotic about this.

    I’m 24, making $95k/year with about $50k in the bank between savings/401k/Roth. I have no debt and I’m not saving for anything in particular. I live in Chicago, so fairly HCOL, and for the past two years I’ve lived with roommates, paying very reasonable rent in an OK apartment.

    I’ve decided to move into my own place when my lease is up this spring and have been shopping around for a 1 bedroom apartment. I would love to live in a high end building with nice amenities, but I have been seriously wracked with guilt over how much I will be spending on rent ($1600-1800 range). I know I can afford it in theory, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m “wasting” money by doing so. I look at my budgeting excels and have so much anxiety over how much of my paycheck will go to paying rent.

    One part of me says to not settle for a cheaper apartment just because it’s cheaper, since what’s $100-200 on top of what I’ll already be spending? And the other part of me is still in the “save absolutely as much as you can” mode. I keep trying to tell myself that it’s only for a year, and if I decided it’s too restrictive on my budget, I can always move to a cheaper apartment or back in with roommates when my lease is up—it’s not permanent! I also would likely move in with my boyfriend after a year or two of living by myself so will go back to splitting rent with someone in the near future anyway.

    I hate feeling guilty about spending my money, especially when I know I’ve been very conscious up to this point. I hate that I still feel like a broke college student for no reason. Would love to hear from anyone else who feels/has felt this way and has any advice. Maybe my guilt is totally founded and I should take it as a sign? Am I just being high strung? I’m sick of feeling so wound up about this.

    1. What I would do is focus on living somewhere close to work. Minimizing your commute time saves money (by saving your time as well as costs related to your car, public transit, etc.). What can you get that’s a) close to work; b) reasonably safe; c) meets your basic living needs and d) isn’t outrageously priced? Don’t go for sketchy and don’t go for luxury and you’ll find that the anxiety lessens.

    2. That is a totally reasonable amount to pay in rent. I don’t even live in a major city and that’s the range for nice apartments in my area. If that’s a typical rent in Chicago then maybe I should move!

       1. It’s a lovely city! :) We’ve had a huge residential construction boom over the past 5-ish years that has really depressed high-rise rent prices. So who knows how long that’ll last. I would say $1700-$1800 is about right for a smaller 1bed in a nice building. You can definitely go bigger and bougier for more in the $2.5k+ range but I definitely know that’s out of my budget.

       2. Yeah, $1600 is totally normal for a one bedroom in the non-HCOL city I live in. The housing market has just gone nuts unfortunately. I think having a home you love and are comfortable in is worth the cost.

    3. I am an old, but lived in Chicago for 10 years before moving to suburbs (first Wicker Park, then Logan Square). I would consider whether you want to get on the hedonistic treadmill so early. Also think about where your friends are living. Some of my best memories are of living in different two or three flat apartments (at varying degrees of crappiness) on the same block, down the street from our favorite bars, or easy access to hanging out together on someone’s porch. Proximity to the el was also really important to me at that stage. I get wanting to have your own place before moving in together. Just when you set your benchmark at luxury building, a lot of people get “stuck” there, while you might want to eventually think about saving more aggressively to buy, go back to school or whatever. Either way, you sound like you’ve got your act together, so probably whatever you choose will be great:)

       1. +1000. I lived in a walkup studio in Roscoe Village for 4 years during which time my rent went from $750 to $860 and my income more than doubled. There were things to hate about that place for sure but it was a cute neighborhood and kept me off the hedonistic treadmill. No reason to buy nice furniture, entertain, etc.

          I then moved to a high rise in West Loop where I paid $1,900 for a 1BR. LOVED IT and the only reason I moved was because I got married and my husband owned his place. I was working a lot more and wanted to reward myself with an upgrade, and it was “worth it”, but led to a lot more spending as bars were more expensive nearby, apartment furnishings and decor, etc.

          1. I’m in Bucktown currently! I love the area but I work in a part of West Loop that’s inconvenient to get to on the Blue Line–part of the reason I want to move. I do fear getting on the “hedonistic treadmill” (great term!) and finding it hard to back off later on. Part of the moving situation is that I’d rather not do another year with my current roommates (still friends/on good terms with them but we are all incompatible as roommates), and part of me is just lazy and doesn’t want to go through the trouble of finding new roommates all over again.

             Both of your comments have given me a lot to think about–thank you!

    4. Seconding that that is a completely reasonable amount to spend on rent. Specifically on the question of housing, for me it has helped to come across the concept of budget neutral moves — for example, does the more apartment come with a shorter or walking commute (save on transportation and time), gym or swimming pool (save on gym fees), free parking (save on parking fees if you have a car), built in furniture (that means you don’t have to buy all the wardrobes, drawers, and shelves), reductions in income tax (applicable if you’re in NYC vs Jersey City for example)?

       Fwiw, I have similar anxiety about spending money (feeling like a broke student) and have traced its roots to my parents always arguing and stressing over money in my youth, and never having any spending money as a student. Your situation may be different. But for me, any amount I spend on myself beyond bare necessities feels exorbitant because I’m not used to it. (For reference, I worked through school, lived on less than $400/month for food, transportation, books, and cultural events throughout university and law school, went to schools that were not my top choices because scholarship $$, bought all textbooks and hornbooks secondhand, didn’t buy a single piece of clothing for myself in college, and always walked and took the bus everywhere. I had to start supplementing my parents’ living expenses starting in college by tutoring high school kids, which probably didn’t help.)

       I’m 30 now and despite having no student loans and making low six figures in biglaw, it’s hard to stop feeling like a broke college student, because that was my modus operandi for so long. For me, the long period of frugality-out-of-necessity mindset left a mark.

       I now have a system where I keep track of all my spendings on Mint and my monthly net worth on excel, set aside 50 to 60% of net salary in retirement or other investment and savings accounts (according to Early Retirement Calculators, this savings rate allows for retirement – living off the growth, not the principal – in 17 to 18 years assuming a 4% withdrawl rate) and I allow myself to budget the rest according to my priorities. Some years I will spend more on travel and less on eating out, others I will prioritize buying things for my wardrobe and paying my parents’ medical expenses. Usually there is some room to get what I want, within reason. I upgraded to a slightly more ($200/month more than previous one) expensive apartment with better amenities, bigger kitchen and built in furniture, and I am so so much happier to come home. My tradeoff was that I make my own coffee at the office instead of buying the daily Starbucks. So if nicer housing is a priority for you, I’d say go for it.

    5. That budget gets you a studio with a hot plate and a bath down the hall where I live, so yeah. Go rent it. You can afford it.

18. I’ve been on two dates with a guy from Bumble. The dates were pleasant enough, just drinks both times. I like talking to him, but I guess I’m still unsure of how I feel. For the third date, he asked me to come to his apartment to “watch a movie.” I feel like I barely know the guy, and I am definitely not comfortable with this kind of a date so early. At the same time, it feels like if I decline his offer and suggest going out instead, I am effectively also saying, “I’m not into being alone with you this soon” or “I’m not ready for physical intimacy yet.” Note: we have not even kissed yet.

    Is it weird to suggest that we go to a restaurant or something instead? I really hate early dating. I don’t like sitting at restaurants and bars having to keep up conversation all the time, or constantly having to plan things and spend money just to get to know a person, but I also don’t like that the only alternative to this seems to be “netflix and chill” when I just don’t know him that well yet.

    How do you handle these situations?

    1. Well, you do mean to say “I’m not into being alone with you this soon,” or “I’m not ready for physical intimacy yet,” right? So suggest an alternate activity! Maybe something more active like a hike or a bike ride or bowling or whatever?

    2. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Simple as that. You have clearly stated your boundaries here in this post and now you need to go enact them in your relationship with this guy. Suggested scripts:

       “Actually, I was hoping we could [go to the park/see a show/try out this restaurant.]”
       “Let’s save Netflix and chill for a little farther down the line. I’m enjoying getting to know you first.”
       “I’ve heard great things about [insert cool, non-ordinary activity like trapeze lessons.] You up for an adventure date instead of chilling?”

    3. There’s a million options other than a restaurant or netflix and chill. Try a cooking class together, take a painting class, go on a musuem tour, or tour an art museum and chat about what you liked and didn’t over coffee, go to a sportsball event, check out a play, go hiking, try kayaking, go to one of those axe throwing places etc.

       1. Hahah I read that as “take a parenting class” and I almost choked on my coffee.

    4. I mean, TBH it sounds like this guy has bought you drinks twice and now expects to have sex. “Movie at my place” is an acceptable date for a long-term relationship where you’re at that comfy/lazy stage — not a third date! Sheesh. Of course you’re not “weird” to balk at this. Homeboy can at least pony up for an entree once first.

       1. Totally. But this is what I don’t understand. I have plenty of friends who slept with their now-husbands on the second (or even first!) date and it worked out perfectly. So I find myself wondering, is it that the guy just isn’t right for me or am I a slow mover? If it’s meant to be, wouldn’t I just be going for it?

          These mental gymnastics make me insane. I wish I could just “go with the flow,” whatever that is, but every dating decision makes me so anxious.

          1. yes but your friends were comfortable with it. based on your post, you are not, and I would think any guy you want to pursue a relationship with would be a guy who would respect that.

             coming from someone who is 100% comfortable with hooking up on the first or second date and equally comfortable with never talking to the guy again…

          2. I’m not seeing mental gymnastics. I’m seeing a clear statement from you that this movie invite makes you uncomfortable and you do not want to do it. That’s empowering. No, there’s no reason you “should” go just because you asked or because your friends slept with their husbands early on.

             Maybe with the right guy you would feel like sex on the third date; maybe you wouldn’t. What’s relevant to the situation here is that you’re not into it with THIS guy; therefore, you should not do it.

          3. I’ve slept with people on first and second dates, and it was always because I was more than comfortable with it and in fact excited about it. I have no regrets. I’ve also gone out with people a few times and decided that I did not want to sleep with them. The attraction just wasn’t there.

    5. “Why don’t we go out to a movie?”

    6. Not all guys have gotten the memo that all girls have gotten the memo that “Netflix and chill” only means one thing. If you’re not okay doing that, don’t do it. Make an alternate date suggestion.

       Others have had great suggestions about what you can do that’s not a restaurant or a movie at his place. Bowling is always a great way to kill 2-3 hours and can also be quite character-revealing.

       Just a heads-up. Don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from him again when you turn down the Netflix and chill date. That seems to happen a lot.

    7. I prefer to schedule doing –something– for a 2nd or 3rd date when I’m still deciding on a person. I’m a big museum person so I usually suggest that, or a walk somewhere scenic. Gives us a chance to talk longer and helps bring up topics.

       If he declines, then he’s just looking for something physical, and you can decide if that’s what you want.

    8. Propose what you want to do instead. Also you really can just watch a movie together if that’s your jam.

       1. Agreed. I think it is fine to say go for Netflix, no chill. Just because it’s a phrase, doesn’t mean you are required to do that. If it makes you more comfortable, set the boundary up front that you are cool for going over to watch a movie / snuggle but you aren’t ready for a sleepover.

    9. On a similar note, I am having a guy I’ve been dating over to my place for the first time tonight and I am cooking dinner. I don’t know what’s going to happen and I’m nervous! I would be ok with intimate stuff happening though.

    10. “You know, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that yet. Let’s check out [restaurant/movie/comedy venue/museum]!” You don’t have to preemptively explain why, but if he asks, then it’s “In my experience, watching a movie usually leads to stuff I’m not comfortable doing this early in the game, so I avoid that sort of date until I know the guy a little better.” This approach, in theory, frames your aversion as your MO and has nothing to do with your impression of him, you’re not accusing him of having bad intentions, you’re not necessarily assuming he’s “one of those guys,” and a mature, reasonable person will understand it. If he takes it personally and gets overly defensive, that’s his issue.

19. I’m sorry that this is happening to you at all……and especially right now.
    I would transition to counsel, enjoy a serious ramp down – maternity leave – ramp up period…..and then leisurely job hunt. Searching for a job while pregnant doesn’t sound like fun, and you should make sure you’re able to fully take advantage of the maternity leave you’ve earned at your current firm.

20. I need a new duvet or comforter — any recs? I’m currently using a down alternative comforter + duvet cover. Over the past year, I’ve had a really hard time regulating my body temps at night (thanks, hormones), and I don’t think the down alternative is helping. DH has allergies and has put the kibosh on any down comforter. What should I look for instead? Bamboo? Just a plain comforter, no cover? I’d prefer to avoid synthetics if possible.

    1. I really like my Buffy comforter. I have one from a while ago, but subway adds tell me they have one now specifically for staying cool.

       Also my cat sheds like crazy so I’ve washed it a million times in the two years I’ve had it and it has held up great.

       1. The Buffy comforter is intriguing. Good to know that it’s holding up well!

    2. I would go for silk or wool if down were out, depending on budget.

    3. I have an Ikea duvet (not down) that is meant for staying cool. I am a really hot sleeper so I love it. I think the inside is polyester and the outside is cotton. I use a cotton duvet cover for maximum coolness.

21. To the poster asking about career transition from academia, I left a reply late yesterday.

22. I saw my ob/gyn this morning for a lump in my breast, and they sent a referral for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound.

    The lump can be only felt a few days before my period starts, and is not palpable in the first half of the cycle. When it’s there it’s a bit sore, and reminds me of a plugged duct like when I breastfed (which stopped about 2 years ago).

    My doctor said we need to get it checked, and it could be all sorts of things, including benign cysts, enlarged milk ducts etc.

    Has anyone ever had something like this?

    FWIW, I’m 37, my kid is 4. My mother had breast cancer at 50 (the exact cutoff age for what’s considered a family risk factor), no other cancer history on my maternal side.

    Please help me not freak out over this.

    1. I had similar lump, am in my mid-late thirties as well. Got a mammogram and an ultrasound and it was benign.

       1. Same. My mom had terminal breast cancer, first diagnosed at age 41, so I’m high risk. I went for a mammogram ordered by my OB/GYN about 5 years ago, and they flagged a lump which ended up being benign, but the whole thing scared the hell out of me. Now I see a breast specialist who does mammograms in-house. When I saw her the first time, she strongly implied that a lot techs don’t know how to read mammograms properly and if you have any sort of family history, they’ll flag everything they see. I get mammograms and ultrasounds every 6 months, plus an MRI annually. I am very happy with her and feel I’m in good hands. It’s probably nothing and if it’s sore, that’s a good sign.

    2. It’s very early so the chances of it being as serious as your mom’s situation are minimal.

       One of the lawyers I work with lost her mom to breast cancer and herself had a lump removed with was cancerous but did not need chemo or radiation and she’s fine.

    3. Don’t freak out. It’s most likely nothing – some really high percentage of lumps like this are (I want to say 80%+). You’re doing everything you can right now and taking the right steps.

       1. +1. Especially with the connection to your period there’s a really good chance that it’s a cyst – I was similarly terrified once and the doctor stuck in a needle and drained it.

23. So the dating threads have gotten me thinking … is it really the typical practice for people to go out on dates with people they don’t already know? I have only once gone on a date with someone I’d just met. I never went out with him again. All of the other guys who’ve ever asked me out, including several I turned down, were people I already knew. It just seems so weird and awkward to go on a date with someone you’ve never met before, when you have no idea if you are even interested in the person.

    Obviously, I’m an old person who has been off the market since before on-line dating existed.

    1. I’m 30 and I feel like the only person in my generation who’s never done online dating. Like, ever. I’ve only ever gone out with people I’ve met in person at social events. But yes, I do think it’s increasingly common for people to go on dates with people they’ve only spoken to online after being matched by an algorithm. Usually by the time they meet, they know they have some things in common, and the first date is to get that initial “read” that you’d historically get from meeting someone at a party. Remember though, long before online dating was really a thing, people set each other up on blind dates, so it’s not that new.

    2. Well, yeah, how do you think things work with Tinder, Match, J-Date, all the dating apps? People are going out on dates with people they haven’t met yet. That’s the norm. I’m an Old but even I have figured this out?

       1. But WHY? It sounds awful.

          1. As do you.

          2. Because it can be exciting and fun to meet new people. I love meeting new people when I travel, even people I *GASP* don’t want to date! Learning people’s stories is very interesting to me. Also, if the date sucks, I end it and go on with my life. It’s not a big deal.

          3. Because the apps are where a lot of single people gather and make it clear that they are open to dating.

             I really hate it when coupled people who never experienced online dating act incredulous about it and say it sounds awful. Ok sure, but also you don’t have to do it, so don’t worry about it. There are critical conversations to be had about online dating, but Anon’s and OP’s comments are beyond unhelpful because the clear implication is, “Sounds terrible— so glad I don’t have to do that!!”

          4. I’m not traditionally attractive and didn’t get picked up in bars. If I wanted to have more than one date a year, online was the way to go. Met my husband on OKCupid, and am grateful we both got out of our comfort zones to do online dating.

          5. Gee. Because it’s the only realistic option for a lot of us at this stage in our lives? Of course it can be awful. (Sometimes it can be good, but you have to wade through a lot of crap to get to the good.) But its either that or continued singleness. Glad you don’t have to endure it. I purposefully took a break from online dating for 2 years and do you know how many dates I went on? 3 (all set ups from friends). None of which went past date 1. 3 dates in two years. I did not meet anyone organically that I was interested in.

    3. Yes! And yes it is awkward! Remember, though, you will have chatted with them over the app for a couple days/weeks, so you’re not going in completely cold.

    4. Even in the old days before online dating, it was common to go out with people you didn’t already know. Blind dates; a guy that asked you out at the bar, a restaurant, the gym, etc.; the guy you met at a friend’s party; the guy from your class that you had no substantive discussions with; etc.

    5. I am not sure how else I would date people, as everyone I know is either married, partnered, or someone I am not interested in for a variety of reasons (or I would have gone on a date with them). . .

       1. +1. It’s the only way I’m meeting eligible men.

    6. Yeah, I mean, how do you think online dating works, which surely you know is extremely prevalent even if you haven’t done it yourself…?

    7. I mean, do you live under a rock?

       1. Seriously. I haven’t dated in a long time but this comment left me scratching my head. Pre-marriage (and in the pre-app dating era) I went out on dates with guys I didn’t really know all the time? Friends of friends of friends, guys I met at my job, guys I met in at the coffee shop, etc. Dating guys I knew wasn’t a super-attractive proposition because I already knew all their baggage and flaws.

    8. OP, your post has “smug married to guy from college” written all over it. There’s seriously no point to it other than to make other people feel bad for being single.

    9. No really though, do you live under a rock? Yeah at a certain point you have to meet people that you don’t know already if you don’t know anyone that you’re interested in dating. College and grad school are easy markets to get to know organically but once you get deep into adult life where you go from home to work to the gym to the store to home and go out with your girlfriends a few times a week– if you’re lucky– and everyone around you is partnered up– you pretty much have to go out with people you don’t know.

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