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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Oooh: yes. This blazer won't be for everyone — it's a bold, statement blazer and can be difficult to integrate into your wardrobe — but I love a good corduroy blazer, and the fact that this one is Smythe doesn't hurt at all. I agree with readers that black and red can look dated, but I think the whole outfit works here because the gray jeans give some visual relief. (Were I styling it, that gold tone button probably would have given me pause just because I don't often think of gold and gray as going together, but here I think it works.) Swap the gray jeans out for a crisp pair of gray wool trousers or ankle pants, and it works for work. The blazer is available at Nordstrom and Shopbop, for $595. Smythe Leather Trim Corduroy Blazer
This red $168 blazer comes in regular and petites, this burgundy corduroy blazer is only $139, and this plus size blazer is also corduroy.
Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-all)
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
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- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
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Anonymous
When you’re a new hire, what do you do if your boss’s boss asks you get coffee for him?
Anonymous
What’s your job?
Anonymous
Analyst
Anonymous
I would say “Sure, I’ll ask [staff person] to bring a coffee service.” Then delegate. I would ask a staff person whose job typically includes that kind of duty to bring coffee service to him.
At a law firm, there’s typically an office manager or receptionist whose job includes making sure meetings have coffee available, and that’s likely the person I’d ask. Or my admin assistant, if my relationship with her and her job duties made that appropriate.
LAnon
Depending on how new you are, I would make sure you fully understand office dynamics before doing anything other than just getting the coffee.
It may be typical there that the newest staff person takes on some administrative roles, like taking notes at meetings or getting coffee. I have worked in offices where a brand new hire saying “Oh sure, I’ll just ask [Long Time Beloved Admin] to do that” would be seen as rude, especially if you’re in an entry level position or close to it. (Very different story if a CEO asks a new-to-the-company VP to get them coffee.)
If you’re brand new, watch the office dynamics for a month or so. Early on, I probably would do most things that my boss’s boss asks me to do. If this person begins to make a habit of it, or you sense that you are only being asked because of your age/gender, you can begin to offer other suggestions in the future. If you’re really uncertain, you could ask someone who has been there a while, “I’ve noticed Big Boss asks me to get coffee a lot; does he / she do that to most people?”
Anonymous
I agree with this.
Anne Elliott
Where I work (Asia), everyone gets their own coffee. Including the CEO.
Anon
Did you ask your boss about it?
Oy
Things just haven’t changed. My mom dealt with this ish at Big 4 30 years ago. She said, “I’ll get you coffee when I get myself coffee.” Nipped it in the bud.
Ellen
Yay! Pricey Monday’s! I love Pricey Monday’s and this blazer, tho not for work.
As for the OP, I do get coffee for the manageing partner, and I do NOT consider it an insult. Why? Because he pay’s me good money,and Margie, his wife, is NOT here all day to wait on him and to get him coffee at work. If peeople call me old fashioned, then that is fine, but I am takeing this to the bank and getting the last laff! YAY!
consultant
I’m at a Big 4 now. Generally it’s what Anne Elliot says – everyone offers to get coffee/napkins/snacks/water for everyone else if theyre going to get it, but no one send the new hires on runs. It might vary by team though – now that I think of it a friend was sent to buy snacks to keep in the conference room for the whole team.
Anonymous
You know who would rock this? Hillary Clinton. It’s the perfect look for burning an arrogant pig to the ground. #slay
CPA Lady
I was just thinking that!
LAnon
+1! I thought last night was not her best debate but she once again proved that she will not be intimidated by his idiotic blustering. It gave me shivers last night to see how he was using his physical presence to intimidate her – lurking behind her like that. Love her for literally standing her ground.
Anonymous
I thought at times she was almost in tears, heartbroken for our country.
Anonymous
She was pretty clearly rattled, although she was much, much more composed than I would have been. I am so freaking P*SSED OFF that this is how our first female president is going to be elected.
Expat
It is only fair to be rattled when your opponent has threatened you with a targeted investigation and jail. That is a serious threat, completely undemocratic, and should be firmly renounced without dismissal as a “joke.”
I agree that she did an excellent job, displaying beyond-presidential restraint and composure.
Blonde Lawyer
When I get truly pissed to my core, I cry. Same with someone being a huge in my face bully. I can only take it for so long before I get so frustrated that instead of screaming, I cry. I would have been a blubbering mess in that debate. While I loved the “she doesn’t give up, she doesn’t quit” compliment at the end, I couldn’t help but think that Trump was trying to make her breakdown the whole time. I was literally getting anxious (heart racing, starting to sweat, legs antsy) as he lurked behind her. That’s how threatening I felt his actions were. My husband re-assured me that the secret service would be all over it protecting her but how the hell are you supposed to debate with that fear behind you. She is remarkable. My new don’t cry mantra will be “be like Hillary.”
What’s weird is I can take yelling and bullying where it is expected. I was a corrections officer and let every insult in the book just roll off my back. But when it is someone who is SUPPOSED to act better, that’s when I get flustered, angry and cry.
Sloan Sabbith
Blonde Lawyer, me too. I did actually start to cry when he said that if he was president, Captain Khan would still be alive- angry, “I hope you fall into a volcano” tears.
Anon
Agree. And I felt the same way.
Anon
Agree!
I had to keep turning the debate off because I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Even if Trump’s campaign is toast, nothing will stop him from dragging this entire election into the gutter with him on his way down.
Anonymous
I couldn’t believe that he brought the Bill Clinton accusers there. My FIL commented that he’s trying to turn this election into a reality show. So true.
Beans
Yes. You know, if I’m a victim of sexual assault and want to draw attention to my sexual assault or the issue generally, not sure that standing beside Donald Trump, who admitted on tape to sexual assault, is the best idea. Seriously makes me question those women.
anon...
What did you expect her to do? Refuse to debate him?
that would go over well… make her appear weak…
Anonymous
She’s talking about the women Donald brought as his guests to the debate, not Hillary.
anon...
Got it. Thanks. Sorry about the misunderstanding.
Anon
I really don’t know how she kept her composure in the face of that human dumpster fire.
Anonymous
It’s so impressive.
Anon
I’m a Bernie supporter who has always been lukewarm/critical about Hillary, but after these debates, it’s made it so clear to me that she is not up against a normal candidate in a normal year. It’s unfair to have to debate a blundering, offensive, idiotic clown who goes on the personal attack every chance he gets and she’s done a damn good job of preparing and bringing it back to the issues. She’ll never be my favorite candidate, but this is not the year for a protest vote and I’m proud of her for being a great debater – I debated in college and remember how stressful it was to debate against misogynist jerks in a low-stress, low stakes setting. This must be way worse.
Anonymous
Yeah I expect better from Bernie supporters. At this point, I don’t give a f if you aren’t personally hard for Hillary. You should be f ing grateful she is there fighting for the future of our nation as a free society. You should love her. Because she is our stalwart against fascism. Thank god. So if you’re still feeling meh check your sexist entitlement, get over yourself, and get with it.
Anon
ANDDDD this is why Bernie supporters are pissed. You don’t get to treat our candidate like crap, treat his supporters like crap, and then wonder why we don’t all flock to HRC with grins and cash. You’re the one who needs to get over yourself. Beating Trump should be the easiest thing in the world – she is literally up against a pile of human excrement and can’t seem to put him away. That’s not Bernie’s fault.
Anonymous
She is beating him. Like she beat Bernie. Fair and square because she is a vastly superior candidate who voters prefer. I’m just sick of people holding their noses and voting for her. Cry me a river, she’s saving your neck too.
Beans
Beating Trump is not the easiest thing in the world. have you looked at the polls? Talked to people you work with? Or family members? There are far too many people who (1) hate women; (2) hate minorities; or (3) hate people with some semblance of an education and will do whatever it takes to put Donald Trump in office.
I do not think Bernie would have had this wrapped up with a bow at this point.
MargaretO
What? Why do you care how enthused we are about her if we’re voting for her? The vote doesn’t count less if we don’t love her (nor do our campaign contributions, efforts to convince other people to vote for her, etc. – and a lot of us are doing all of those things). Plenty of people have actual substantive policy disagreements with Hillary, and I find it super condescending and sexist to claim that the only reason someone might disagree with a woman is because of her gender. Hillary is a smart and capable woman with a long political career, I’m a smart and capable woman with informed and thoughtful political opinions, my beef with her is about her positions and actions and not about her “likeability” or whatever other nonsense that misogynists use as an excuse not to vote for her. This belief that she should be above criticism because she is going to be the first female president (inshallah) does not do any favors to feminism.
Laura B
+1 to all of this. I have very mixed feelings about Hillary, but there’s never been any question in my mind that I’ll be voting for her over this tremendous a$$. Last night only cemented that.
Anonymous
FWIW, as a diehard HRC supporter, I found this comment really heartening. I have no patience for Bernie supporters who think Trump and Hillary are equally bad or even prefer Trump (yes they’re out there!), but I totally understand feeling lukewarm about her and I really appreciate that you recognize that this is not the year for a protest vote.
Anon
+1
Sharon
+1
Anon
The thing that aggravated me the most was Trump’s claim that “all I did was words, Bill Clinton took actions.” No, Trump, you assaulted God knows how many women and raped your ex-wife. You don’t get to pretend otherwise.
Anonymous
Also, Bill Clinton isn’t running for office.
Laura B
THIS! I’m so angry that the woman in the race is somehow being accused with her husbands supposed actions. Whatever happened between Bill Clinton and those women, it is horrid that Trump paraded them in there to try and rattle her.
Anon
Absolutely, but I do wish Hillary hadn’t gone on the witchhunt for his victims in the 1990s. That’s something she has to answer for.
Anonymous
No, it isn’t.
Anon
Yeah, it is. We don’t get to just ignore the inconvenient pieces of a candidate’s history.
Laura B
It is not the same.
His victims =/ her husbands supposed victims. A woman should not have to answer for her husband’s actions.
And the idea that she believed and defended him and so therefore should be held accountable for his actions is the weakest tribble I’ve ever heard.
Anon
Um, that isn’t what this post said. Bill Clinton is the only one responsible for raping and assaulting women. Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton are both responsible for attempting to discredit and tarnish his victims (his “bimbos”). She could have stayed silent, she could have distanced herself, she could have spoken out about letting the justice system have its day, but she didn’t need to go on the offensive to make sure that his victims wouldn’t be believed.
Anonymous
I wish she would take responsibility for it, admit it was a $hitty thing to do, that it is/was wrong, etc. That would make me feel a LOT better about this issue.
SD
Hardcore HRC supporter, but I agree with this. At the same time, I don’t necessarily need her to own up to it NOW when she’s up against much worse misogyny, and also (rightfully) needs to keep attention herself and her candidacy instead of relating it back to her husband.
Anonymous
yeah I was disappointed HRC didn’t hit him harder on that. I expected her to open her response by saying “My husband isn’t running for President” but she didn’t. Her response to that question seemed scripted and didn’t respond to his points.
MDMom
Well, sure, but he was president. It’s not the same as if say Melania had assaulted someone 20 yrs ago. So that would only bring the follow up question, do you think your husband was unfit to be president? How does she answer that question? “We aren’t here about him” is true but also a clear dodge of a real sticky wicket for the Clintons. HRC would be able to hit Trump a lot harder on this crap if her husband weren’t also a pig. Bill is much more of a liability than an asset at this point.
I am voting for HRC and I’m excited to hopefully have the first female president, but I’m not going to pretend there isn’t a lot of problematic stuff in her background. I get that a lot of criticism of her is misogynist, but a lot of it is also fair criticism of a pretty shady politician.
On another note, I loved her suit last night. Can’t decide if maybe I would have worn black top underneath? But anyway, it was great. Donald continues to wear too-big suits and too-long ties
And I agree that the moderators did well.
Anonymous
Agreed that Bill is totally sleazy, but I think it’s pretty sexist and f*cked up that a large percentage of the country care’s more about one candidates’s *spouse’s* alleged assaults/harassment than the other candidates’s admitted assaults/harassment.
Julia
Maybe a black top or another color in another forum. She did it just right for that occasion with the white.
Julia
Ignore. Wrong place.
Blonde Lawyer
I wish she wouldn’t have said the line about how great her husband did in his presidency with the economy. They are two separate people. His accomplishments are not hers and vice versa. It’s easier to say his actions shouldn’t be attributed to her when she just leaves him out of her arguments all together. As I said above though, I think she killed it.
anon
I don’t understand how Hillary can claim that she’s a champion of women’s rights in the workplace while remaining married to a man who, at a minimum, engaged in inappropriate s*xual relationships with subordinates – the type of relationship that has at least some inherent element of coercion. This is the type of conduct that we would want our CEOs, our managers, our professors to get fired for. Yet she’s chosen to keep him as her life partner, so clearly this kind of behavior is not a dealbreaker to her. I don’t get it. I’m still voting for her though.
Anonymous
Because literally all she does is work for women and families.
Anonymama
Because her personal life is not the same as her professional life. She has a mile long list of things she has done in her professional life to improve women’s lives, protect their rights and expand their opportunities, and it’s absurd to brush aside her actual accomplishments because of her marriage. A marriage which clearly has issues but also is clearly a marriage of equals, where her husband loves and respects her and admires her intellect and accomplishments.
Implicit Sexism
I had a moment watching the debate when I realized that even the most feminist among us are tainted by societies historic gender roles and sexism. I had a brief moment of cognitive dissonance when Hillary (or more accurately, Secretary Clinton) discussed arming the Kurds. And my brain did this two second flip of woah, a woman talking about military weapons. While this wasn’t the point o f the discussion, I realized I would assume a male president knew all about different gun types and tanks and bombs and all that “stuff.” I would be surprised a woman would know all that. Then I realized – eeks, that’s crazy sexist. She’s freaking Secretary of State. So, if a very feminist woman still had that pause of “woman talking about weapons” I can’t imagine what the sexist among us were thinking.
Anon
That’s not a sign of any implicit sexism, though. That’s a sign that you’re sheltered and ignorant about weapons. Where I live, many women can talk like that and it’s not unexpected.
Auntie
I found it really offensive that Donald kept referring to the President as “Obama” instead of President Obama.
I understand that you may not agree with the person in the office, but show that you respect the office and the fact that the citizens of this country chose him as our leader.
Also, Donald needs to stop talking about his “reign”. Presidents are not dictators reigning over the country.
Presidents serve a “term” in office to serve the public.
Anon
Are you similarly offended when people referred to former President Bush as “Bush”? I agree with respect for the office, but it needs to go both ways.
Anonymama
Nah, a formal debate stage is very different from a casual conversation between friends.
Button stance -- Q for pears
I see this button stance a lot. I think that one button so high up would magnify my tummy or just make the bottom into a bit of a megapeplum.
I’m a pear, so I’m looking for a blazer, but I don’t think it’s be this one or ones like this.
Fellow pears: can you describe blazers that work for you?
Trench coat help!
I’m in the market for a new trench coat since my current one was $30 at TJ Maxx and it’s really time for an upgrade. Tell me — what should I keep in mind when trench coat shopping? What brands are actually worth it? I’m willing to pay up to $500 for a good one that’ll last me years, and I’m also willing to be patient and stalk sales.
Thanks in advance!
anon...
My realization was that the classic tan trench was NOT right for me, based on my coloring. Tan makes me look blah and washed out. Also, the flat collar of the traditional style was also less flattering for my long neck/narrow shoulders.
But it wasn’t until I had bought the classic tan trench and worn it for awhile that I realized it doesn’t work. So now it sits unworn.
So this year I stalked the Nordstrom sales, and got a black trench, which works much better for my personal coloring and preferred capsule wardrobe colors. Via Spiaga. It has a little bit of a stiffer structure, which works better for me.
Anon
Check out the classic trench coat from LL Bean – great quality and designed to fit over a jacket. I’ve had mine a few years and I think it will hold up for more.
Anon
Try browsing Nordstrom’s selection and try a few to see what you like. Some come with a hood and removable lining that you may want, depending on your city’s conditions. For a while J Crew’s trench was also getting great reviews. But that was before they made it in petite so I don’t personally know how it is.
I’m extra petite (not the blogger) and the only thing that would remotely fit at the time I was looking was a Burberry. So I got one. It’s gorgeous, but now I don’t wear it as much because all the epaulettes look busy on tiny me. And I get paranoid about staining the $2000 coat, so now I consistently throw on the simple streamlined Ann Taylor topcoat I got last season.
Bonnie
I realized too late that tan gets dirty quickly. I’d look for a trench with a zip out lining.
anon
I live my Burberry trench! It’s definitely worth stalking sales for. Mine is 6 years old and still looking good!
anon
I live my Burberry trench! It’s definitely worth stalking sales for. Mine is 6 years old and still looking good!
Anxious Anon
I’ve been dating someone for about 4 months and it was great, but the past week or so theyve been distant and I know we’ll have to talk about it sometime soon. I get the feeling that he’s having second thoughts and not ready for a relationship and perhaps he feels the sense that we’re getting really close, etc (or maybe it has nothing to do with me and hes going through something). Overall, I know it isnt something I can control and if its meant to be it will be etc. I have a lot going on in my professional life and personal life at the moment which is good but when I think about to possibility of it not working out, being rejected, etc. it really brings me down and its hard to focus on other things since I havent like someone this much since college (im a little over 25).
Any advice?
Anonymous
Yes. Deal with your anxiety. Use this to practice coping techniques. Try out some positive self talk. Go for a long walk. Read a novel. Life is full of hard things, and dealing with them is a skill you can develop if you work on it. Practice not jumping to conclusions.
Anonymous
Which is not to say at all you are wrong or this isn’t hard!! It totally is. Dealing with it is a challenge. But you can do it and you will be ok.
anon
OP: Any advice for dealing with anxiety?
Response: Yes, deal with your anxiety.
I wonder if people who write posts like this have ever actually dealt with *real* anxiety. As someone who has, saying something as banal as “read a novel” or go for a walk is laughable. If it was that easy to simply distract yourself from anxiety, everyone would do it.
Anonymous
Positive self talk, exercise, and distraction are all really good ways to manage sub clinical anxiety.
January
Take some space for yourself. Like Anonymous at 9:54 suggested, find some ways to fill your time that don’t involve worrying about the status of your relationship, so read a book, take up knitting, run a race, etc. You may feel a little more balanced if you treat the relationship like it’s already over (obviously I hope that’s not the case, but I want you to feel good, too!)
Jitterbug
I was in your shoes back in July, and I’m 27. Similarly, I also haven’t been in a relationship like mine since college.
We were 3-4 months in as well, and I asked him “hey, your texts have seem a bit . . . off these days, is anything wrong?” and it opened the door for him to talk to me about what was wrong. He was basically breaking it off because of this and that concern, and I managed to talk to him about some of those issues and he decided he wasn’t ready to give up after all. We’re still together today and things are going great!
Now, very often these conversations only delay the inevitable another couple of weeks, but every now and then the issue turns out to be something totally fixable, or based on a misunderstanding. The important thing is to keep a level head; we all worry from time to time, but constant displays of anxiety usually turn people off from a relationship. If it doesn’t work out for any reason, it ultimately means he’s not the guy for you.
Anonymous
Snaps for Jitterbug!!
January
Look at you! Good job!
Jitterbug
Well . . . all of that is easy for me to say when things are going well and I’ve gotten enough sleep . . .
Let's talk debate
I thought Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper were terrific. Even if they didn’t call Trump on some of his more incoherent statements (his foreign policy answers were frightening). I would like to have them moderate a non-town-hall format.
Also, it’s been discussed here before — I applaud Cap Hill Style’s stand on not featuring Ivanka products. I thought her explanation was exactly right.
Anon
Agree re: excellent moderation.
I’m so disgusted by trump, and more disgusted by the fact that even if he hopefully loses, he still has the support of 40 percent of the electorate. Who are these people?
Wild Chicken
These people are everyone in my small, Tennessee hometown and in a large portion of the South generally, rural America, and the military. They identify as Christians. They make decent money, live in nice homes, and have freedom to live their lives the way they want. They apparently feel oppressed because they are convinced that their kids can no longer pray in schools like they used to, they can no longer discriminate against gays like they used to, and black people are getting into colleges that their kids aren’t getting into. There is nothing about their lives, that I can see anyway, that is going badly, and yet they are convinced that the country has gone to hell. My lay-psychologist guess is that they are used to being on top and they realize that their ways, their beliefs, have been challenged, and they don’t like it. They are fiercely loyal to a guy who would happily allow their companies to do work for him and then refuse to pay them, grope their wives, and send their soldier children to an ill-advised war for which the country is poorly prepared with about 15 seconds of deliberation. But these are real people, and there are a lot of them, and if the self-righteous HRC supporters don’t appreciate that, they are in for a big surprise come November.
Jax
These same people are everywhere in western PA. I drive past multiple Trump/Pence signs everyday and people make loud Clinton jokes in stores/restaurants in that confident, assured way that everyone listening is voting for Trump.
They are white, middle class and blue collar people and they are angry that all their hard work (tech school, college, shift work, whatever) landed them with an income slightly better than the people who are on welfare. The towns throughout the state are dead with the steel mills and plants gone–this area has been poor for decades with this generation living worse than their grandparents’ did. They are mad that the world became politically correct overnight and now they can’t joke or call something retarded or gay. They are terrified that their local church will be shut down because the pastor won’t marry a gay couple and that they won’t be able to buy a new gun or ammunition.
Voting Trump is a way to wave their middle fingers at the people on top. They want to flaunt the little power they have by saying, “See? We’re strong enough to upset your plans!” These people are ALL OVER Pennsylvania and I think they are going to turn out in droves to vote for Trump. The same crowds that would blow off voting because “What does it matter?” are suddenly on fire for Trump and are absolutely going to find their polling place and show up. I’m afraid if Democrats in Philly don’t turn out, my state could go to Trump.
Beans
Agree. They did a great job trying to keep everyone on point.
I had someone I went to law school with literally say today that nothing Donald Trump did or said would ever convince her not to vote for him. Because of abortion, Supreme Court nominees, etc. So Donald Trump could rape a child, or skin a puppy and these people would vote for him.
I truly do not understand people.
Ehh
If someone is pro-life, that’s about the only time I DO understand voting for Trump. He will get to pick at least one, and probably more, Supreme Court justices. This might be in the only presidency in the next few decades (or ever) where a president actually has a shot at appointing enough conservative justices to overturn Roe v. Wade. There is literally no chance that Hillary (or any Democrat ever) would appoint anti-choice justices. If you truly believe that abortion is murder, and therefore you truly believe that hundreds of thousands of people (millions, even?) are being murdered every year, I completely understand that you think it’s the most important issue and vote based on that above all else. I don’t personally think abortion is murder, but I can tell you with certainty that if I thought there were hundreds of thousands of innocent people being murdered every single year, nothing else would matter to me. If you look at the past 40 years since Roe v. Wade and add up the numbers, it would be the worst genocide in all of human history. Any other issue is minuscule in comparison. I actually look down on people who think it’s murder and DON’T make it the most important issue. How can they possibly sleep at night?? If I held that belief I would be protesting in the streets every day and making it my entire life’s work to stop it. (Just to be clear, that’s obviously not what I believe.)
Anonymous
Wait, no, you idiot, it would IN NO WAY be the worst genocide in human history.
Ehh
Sorry, meant to say “worse than,” and I just meant numbers-wise. I think this entire line of thinking is ridiculous and wrong, I was just trying to explain to OP where her friend might be coming from (because I do know some folks who believe this stuff and that’s how they’ve told me they see it).
Anonymous
Sorry, I just get so riled up by that one!
AnonToday
So, I am pro-life. But, in his totality, Trump is not a pro-life candidate (even if we *are* to believe that he has changed his stance on abortion and really would appoint justices in accordance with that). I think it is so reductionist and short-sighted to view life through the narrow prism of abortion. The death penalty, immigration reform, gun violence — all of these are heavy, significant issues that revolve around respecting life. Trump is not pro-life. He is an opportunist. And thus, although I disagree with many of HRC’s policy positions, and feel sad that we do not have a viable alternative viewpoint to consider, I will be voting for her. Because on the whole, she does more to acknowledge and respect the dignity of life.
Anonymous
This.
Anonymous
Agree 100%.
rosie
I think this is a good perspective, albeit one I vehemently disagree with re: choice. I would just add that I recently read an article about the number of abortions under D vs R administrations, and if the goal is to actually reduce abortions, rather than simply to reduce choice, D administrations have been better. I can try to find the link.
Supreme Court Voter
I think it’s an extreme stance, but I kind of understand because I absolutely do vote with certain issues at the forefront, and while I’d like to believe I wouldn’t vote for the Democratic equivalent of Trump, it admittedly would take A. LOT. for me to vote for someone who I believed would appoint Supreme Court justices who would take stances contrary to my beliefs.
I mean, we have a president for four years, but the Supreme Court sets the course of our country for decades or more, especially when (other than RBG) the justices are relatively young and in relatively good health. We could be stuck with the 9 that are formed during the coming presidency for a loooong time, and considering how many things have changed in just the last decade, I can imagine why a conservative (particularly someone who is socially/religiously conservative) would be reluctantly voting for Trump. I think it’s completely misguided, but I can imagine it.
Beans
I have a hard time with the Supreme Court argument, particularly with Trump. Who knows what a Supreme Court justice will actually end up doing in terms of decisions (See Breyer)? Who knows if you could actually get someone with your supposed ideological views appointed to the Court (See Bork)?
Laura B
Someone, whose generally not political, on my Facebook feed said something similar – that they’re voting on the issues and that all politicians are terrible. The contortions people are doing to continue supporting him are really insane. I at least can respect protest votes or third party votes, even if I think they’re counterproductive if you really think Trump is that bad.
Anonymous
Nailed it.
Anonymous
Agreed that the mods were good. I was really surprised all the pundits were calling it for Trump. I thought he was marginally better than the first debate, at least in that he went on the offensive a lot and wasn’t doing all defense. But the standard isn’t did he improve, it’s who did better, him or Clinton and I thought she was clearly better than him (although worse than she was in the first debate).
He said and did SO MANY shocking things…bringing Bill’s accusers, saying he’d jail his opponent, saying “I don’t know anything about Russia,” saying “We haven’t spoken and I disagree” about Pence, clearly not knowing anything about Aleppo, following her around the stage in the creepiest way, calling her the devil and saying she has “hate in her heart.” Any one of those things would have been a huge headline in a normal debate, but he’s so crazy people were just like “oh he didn’t throw down his mic and tell Anderson Cooper to go f-ck himself, he did great!!!!”
Anonymous
I’m very frustrated at all the headlines that say things like “insult-filled debate.” Trump said Hillary would go to jail under his presidency, is the devil and has a hate-filled heart. She questioned his temperament and fitness to serve. One of those kinds of insults is not like the other.
Let's talk debate
That’s a great point.
Laura B
So true. Next time he whines about her ads, I wish she’d respond with declaring that all of their negative ads against him will only be recordings of him saying all of the offensive things he’s said during the campaign. Hey, you love free publicity, Donald, here’s a lot of it.
Anonymous
They already are!!
Anonymous
That’s basically what they are already, at least in my state. The ads are, for the most part, either Trump’s own recorded statements, or recorded statements from Republicans about him.
CMT
Same here. I haven’t seen one negative Clinton ad that is anything other than actual recordings of Trump.
Laura B
:D I’m actually a cable cutter, so I don’t “get” to watch any of the ads anymore. Glad to hear that. It seems so effective to have all negative ads in his voice, and all positive ads in hers.
Jitterbug
“Please let her respond, she didn’t talk while you were talking.”
Made me applaud from the couch! . . . okay maybe it was the Fireball that made me applaud, but I was happy either way.
Now if only they could keep the candidates from going over their time. Simply telling them their time is up didn’t help, maybe they need to be louder and more assertive? Do we need to shut off the mics at the two minute mark? An airhorn? A guy with one of those spray bottles people use to train cats?
Anonymous
I think it’s fine. They held them both pretty close to the mark.
Blonde Lawyer
They mostly just finished their sentence. Even in court, when your time is up, you usually get a last line or two in.
RR
Agreed regarding both.
Anon
Just found out another friend is pregnant. I’m 36 and now all the friends who said they’d have kids “someday” are going for it.
Obviously this is not about me, but I still feel scared about losing all my friends to their kids. I’m more scared that if I never have kids, I’ll soon have nothing in common with most of them anymore. Any words of advice?
Anonymous
You probably will, for a while. Small children are all consuming. But be gentle with yourself and your friendships. Give them room to ebb and flow. They aren’t little forever and your relationships may return better than ever.
Anonymous
“Small children are all consuming.” This. Especially if your friends are working, they are going to be exhausted and stretched to the breaking point for at least the next three years. They will be sick all the time because their kids bring home new germs from day care every week. They will have to work even harder and put in even more face time in the office than they did before kids to prove that they are not on the mommy track. They will not have time to sleep, eat, or exercise. They may not want to have guests in their homes because they haven’t had time to vacuum in the past month. In the midst of the survival crawl that is new parenthood, calling or texting a friend may seem like an impossible task. If you want to maintain the friendship, don’t take it personally if you are doing all the initiating for the first few years.
Anonymous
But, likewise, if parents want to keep friends they should also try. Texting a friend may seem impossible, but it isn’t. Ask yourself to be honest: do you manage to text your mommy friends? Read a blog? You can squeeze some communication in.
Anonymous at 10:05
When I had a small child I neither read blogs nor texted my mommy friends. I had no mommy friends because I was too tired. I did not even call my own mother.
Anonymous
I’m not a mom but it makes sense to me that a mom of a newborn would be more comfortable having a fellow mom see her and her house in a messy, unkempt state than a chic, put-together childless friend. Life is a lot happier if you assume good intentions.
Anonymous
good intentions are great. Assume your childless friends also have them.
AnonMN
+1 to no, I do not “text my mommy friends” or “read blogs”. I spend all of my mental headspace with work or child and as an introvert, a very very tired introvert, that’s about all I’ve got at the moment.
I am, however, happy to attend events that are planned well in advance and by someone else. The kid-free friendships I have maintained have this aspect. They are willing to work in advance with a variety of schedules and do the mental planning, which is awesome. I hope to return the favor when they are in the tired trenches one day.
As the person who used to be the planner in all of my friend groups, I can say that in those groups where no one picked up where I dropped off, we have just stopped getting together.
Anonymous
You’re literally commenting on a blog.
anon
I’m friends with one couple who has been really good at this and one couple who was good at it until they had their third child (understandably, but still sad for me). They just invite me to come over and visit. I bring take out and a bottle of wine (that I understand I might be enjoying by myself). Your childless friends just want to see you. They do not care if your house is messy and you haven’t showered in 4 days and you have to feed the baby while they’re there. I’m frankly amazed if I show up and you’re not covered in poo and vomit because that’s pretty much what I imagine parenthood to be.
AnonMN
Anonymous at 10:35, you literally made me lol. But before I can call “mic drop” I work in a cube farm where being on my phone is not cool, but being on my computer is. Maybe I should just start e-mailing my childless friends. Point taken.
I think there is something “mindless” about reading the news/corporette/etc that doesn’t compete with texting/phone calls/communication with others. But I take your point, that maybe more effort is needed. I guess I took the comment to mean “mommy blogs” and “mommy friends” But to be fair, I don’t text my mom friends either.
Anon 2
LOL at anon at 10:35. I was just at a baby shower this weekend and one of the tasks was to leave the new mom advice on an advice card. My friend, who has a toddler, basically advised to “not lose yourself.” Her take is that there is no excuse for not showering. A baby will not be damaged by crying for 10 minutes in a crib or pack and play while you take a damn shower.
Anonymous
My pediatrician actually did tell me that the baby would be damaged by crying for 10 minutes in the crib while I took a shower. The pressures on new moms are ridiculous.
Anon 2
Anon at 11:53 – that’s awful. Just out of curiosity, was the doc male? What type of damage did the doc suggest would happen? Emotional/attachment?
Anon at 11:53
Older female. The suggested damage was attachment issues + production of cortisol from stress. We eventually got a new pediatrician, but not soon enough.
anon
Wow that sounds like a miserable life. Maybe you should reflect on why you do this to yourself. Is the money really worth it?
Batgirl
Not everyone looks at working as optional. Most mothers have to have jobs outside of the home in this country to be able to put food on the table and pay their bills. This may not be your experience (as described above) but that doesn’t mean her job is optional.
H
This is not my experience. Yes, my toddler is consuming, but motherhood can also be isolating and I still LOVE going to coffee, dinner, happy hour, a walk, etc with my friends. I just likely have to bring my little one along and time it around naps and bedtime so if you’re not ok with that, then yes, you’ll lose me for a bit.
If your friends are extroverted, absolutely reach out and see if they want to do something. Can it be a daylong bike ride or shopping excursion? Probably not. But dinner at someone’s house or a restaurant? Totally doable.
Walnut
+1 I have a toddler and am more than happy to let him hang out at home with Dad while I meet up with friends. Please, don’t ignore me because I now have a kiddo.
Suburban
+1 my baby is asleep by seven so I can’t meet you at the bar. But if you want to come over for wine and takeout we can hang out every weekend.
Teach me
This is where childless me is clueless. Making the big assumption that you also have a partner at home, and if I’m wrong on that, forgive me, but if your baby is asleep by 7, isn’t that the perfect time to go meet a friend at a bar? Partner will be there if baby wakes up? Baby doesn’t even know you left because you still did the bedtime routine?
Just so tired
Teach me, this might sound pathetic but I am so tired after my daughter goes to sleep at 7PM. Mon-Thurs after she goes to sleep, I’ll work, and then Fri and Sat after she goes to sleep, I want to curl up in bed with my husband and watch movies, ha. My daughter wakes up at 7AM every day, so I need to be up and ready to go by then on a Saturday or Sun morning. I would rather meet with friends during the day or the morning so that I can get a little extra sleep on the weekends (by going to bed a little early!) Of course when we have weddings, or friends birthday parties, or date nights, or other events like that, we’ll definitely go out, but overall I’m just tired and get a lot less sleep now that I’m a parent. Now this is definitely not to say that I would never meet a friend out after 7PM at a bar – I totally would, but it wouldn’t be an every weekend kind of thing for me.
Teach me
@ Just so tired, that makes perfect sense. There are many nights I feel that way without kids! Bars are draining to me in a way that conversations at home aren’t.
Suburban
Teach me- yeah if the hubs is home we can hit the bar. But most often wine and takeout is more appealing. I’m in my mid-30s. Sigh.
Anonymous
Also, what do you do with these people?
Grab lunch during the week?
Dinner out sometimes?
Weekend activities?
Party all night, pass out on their floor?
Girls weekend in Vegas?
Be open to doing other activities to see them (I invite my mom friends to do outdoorsy things that small or medium kids enjoy, like trail walking and botanical gardens and zoos, but often get a “thanks no thanks” from my no-kid friends; probably not cool enough). But many activities continue: I still work, I like to try to get lunch in with a friend weekly, etc. But I’m not 22 anymore, so anything like Bridesmaids probably isn’t going to happen.
Scheduling can be tough at first if your friend is nursing (but kid 2, I was OK with doing that in public with a cover, but was all naaaah, I’m nekkid too much with kid 1).
Anonymous
Can we not with the judgment? I say no to invites to zoos and botanical gardens not because they are “not cool enough” but because a) zoos are terrible, b) you never wanted to do that stuff without kids either, and c) chasing your kids around all day doesn’t get me any time with you, my friend. Also, as a single lady, my day times are pretty ok- I got chores and gym and plans. I don’t want to drive out to the suburbs and spend my whole day with you only to spend the night alone folding laundry and watching DCC:Making the Team.
You do you. Invite me when you can, meet me when you can. But don’t pretend I’m just a snob who won’t deign to do uncool things with you. There’s a lot more happening here.
Life in the slower lane
I know someone who won’t go on a walk on hiking trails when I have kids w/ me b/c we don’t get into the right target heart rate. My kids do a pretty good job keeping up with me on ropes courses and in the woods, but are a foot shorter (and not caffeinated) so it’s a good B- in the exercise department.
I do a lot of trading off with the spouse to have a dinner / tennis with friends now that my kids aren’t super-tiny. But as much as I move at the speed of my old life, I’d *really* appreciate it if someone volunteered to move at my new speed voluntarily for an outing.
Anonymous
Ohhhh I totally agree with this!! I just think lets no say the reason is a need for coolness. Absolutely, if we could all just go 75% of the way it would work out 50/50 so much better.
Laura B
Hahaha this reminds me – my BFF and I did a 5k with her 4 year old a couple weeks ago. Granted, neither one of us are runners and I only agreed to do it if we would walk, but the 4 year old was the one that we were struggling to keep up with – she ran for like a mile straight and would’ve kept going!
Laura B
Just as a counterpoint, I’m child free (with no desire for my own kids) and with a best friend who I’ve actually grown closer to since she had kids. I think a big part of this was my willingness to do the kid stuff. I’ve went with her and the kids to pumpkin patches, state parks, children’s museums, lunches at kid friendly places, parades, etc. Other times we go do shopping, yoga retreats, double dates sans kids. Would I do the kid stuff without her and the kids? Nope (with the exception of the state parks – love hiking in state parks). But a big part of us being better friends then ever is my willingness to meet her where she’s at (and that includes kids at kid friendly places), and her to meet me where I’m at.
And honestly, the kid stuff isn’t that bad. Yeah, I have ethical problems with zoos – but I love my friend’s kids faces when they watch the penguins and that my niece is obsessed with bears because she saw them in a zoo.
Anon
Laura B you sound like such a sweet friend :)
Anonymous
Not in defense of zoos, but when my first nephew arrived, I was very, very a SATC girl. I had not been around small people in years. I had been in an office! But kids are great for getting you out and about. And kid stuff is pretty fun! At the kids showing of The Sound of Music, everyone sings along — MUCH better than being seated behind the one grownup who hums at the evening performance of Hamilton. AND there is often some sort of booze involved. And dinner at cool restaurants (but at 5:00 or so). It’s just like the things I do with my grandmother or older relatives, but with (more) occasional vomiting or dashes to the potty. It made me a person not just supportive of robust people in their 20s but of people generally.
Anonymous
Laura B, I heart you!
Laura B
One more thing – my friend sent me this over the weekend: http://www.scarymommy.com/constance-hall-pens-viral-letter-childfree-friends-facebook/?utm_source=FB
I thought it was fairly realistic representation of our relationship. :D
Anonymous
Laura B, you are an awesome friend! I think the difference between Laura and the friend described above who won’t go hiking with kids because she can’t get into her target heart rate zone is that Laura is willing to integrate the kids into her relationship with her friend, whereas the hiker views the kids as an external appendage. Laura’s way sounds more fun for all concerned.
Laura B
Haha thanks guys. I mean, they’re just tiny humans with their own personalities. Who doesn’t have time for more friends? Yeah, babies are boring. But once they hit two, they’re hilarious to be around. Half the time I even think their tantrums are adorable and have trouble keeping a straight face.
Anonymous
I have a friend like this. She’s seems to actually look forward to our annual farm and apple-picking play dates. And the occasional meet-up at the mall where there is a children’s play area. When my babes were newborns she definitely had to reach out to me. But if someone is willing to make the effort to reach out to me, the tired momma, I’m usually quite receptive. I just have trouble conjuring up the energy to reach out sometimes.
Anonymous
I mean, I think a zoo is just one example. If you hate zoos, fine, don’t go to a zoo. But the point is be open to doing kid-friendly stuff that’s more low-key than what you did before.
Anon
Just realize that they will miss you/your friendship even more – so try to reach out!
Anonymous
Had kids about ten years earlier than other women in my profession and felt that all my friends abandoned me. Now I have new friends in their mid thirties who have kids my age. Its easier in some ways. Sometimes my old friends try and include me but they don’t ever factor in that I have a child or give me notice so I can get a sitter and it’s sad. Try and be a good friend an know that the pregnant process is often difficult, stressful, expensive and frightening.
From a parent's perspective
Hi OP, I am a mom, and I just wanted to give you advice from my perspective. I am 33 years old and I have a 17 month old, and am pregnant with my second. I have a few close friends with children, but most of my best friends are not married or do not have kids. Before I had kids, I felt like my best friend with kids wasn’t a supportive friend anymore. I felt like all she talked about was her kids and she wasn’t excited about things in my life anymore. It actually hurt our friendship for a few years, and we had a little bit of a falling out. However, now that I do have a child, I feel like there are so many things that I could have done (emphasis on the I) to help keep our friendship intact during her transition period. I never really asked about her kids “How is S doing? What are her favorite activities these days?” When she had her first baby, I didn’t bring over food or anything to help her out (which I now know is really helpful for new parents). Stuff like that. Sure, there are definitely things that she could have done differently too. But you can only control your own actions. I think what you can do when your friends start having kids is just be as supportive as possible. Bring over a hot meal. Ask how the baby is doing and how they are doing. It’s just such a big transition period for a person’s life, and it’s very overwhelming and life changing. And also, at least for me, my daughter is hands down the most important person (and my husband) in my life. It’s not that I don’t care about my friends – I love my friends and I am there for them as much as I can. But the truth is I just can’t be there as much as I used to. I am already spread thin with working at a big law firm, having a husband who is at a big law firm, having a toddler and one on the way. I don’t have as much me to go around as I used to. I think just understanding that will help you too, knowing that it’s nothing personal, it’s not like your friends don’t want to see you – I’m sure they do! They just don’t have the time that they used to. And any free time that they do have, if they are working parents, they probably want to spend time with their children. The main times I see my daughter now is on the weekend, so doing something on the weekend when she is awake just means that that’s time that I won’t get to see her. I try to schedule things with friends around her nap times. So perhaps you can start doing different things with your friends with kids. Maybe meeting them at different times than you used to. Or if you do things that would require them to get a babysitter, just make sure they have plenty of advance notice to get someone to watch their kid. Sorry for the long novel, but I hope I’ve provided at least a little insight that might be helpful for you!!
Anonymous
You know, I get it, but this sucks. The message to your single friends is “you’re not that important to me anymore so you’ll have to work harder and accept that I’m not going to try.” That’s a pretty shitty deal. You get all the love and support and a baby and a partner, and your friend gets ??? in return.
There are only so many hours in the day and everybody has to make their own priorities. But your childless friends shouldn’t have to fall all over themselves to help you just to be graced with your presence.
From a parent's perspective
Anonymous at 5:03PM, assuming that you’re responding to me, I don’t really agree with the takeaway that you’re getting from my post. The statement that “you’ll have to . . . accept that I’m not going to try” is simply not true. And what does me (or any mom in my situation) getting love and support from baby and a husband have to do with what a friend gets “in return”? I completely agree, everybody has to make their own priorities. But I never said that my childless friends have to fall over themselves to be graced with my presence. We (my husband and I) do what we can to make it to all of the “big” events – weddings, birthdays, etc. But if I have to get up at 7am or earlier every Saturday and Sunday, then I’m not going to make it a regular thing to go out on a Fri or Sat night. Every once in a while? Sure. But definitely not regularly. Not sure how that equates to someone else having to fall all over themselves for us to hang out.
Mindy
Honestly, I think it depends on the person. Some turn into helicopter parents and are no fun with their now spoiled children. Others are low key parents whose children are also generally low key, and you get borrow their child and have fun playing/running around with them with a couple hours. Squee!!
Auntie
This. I think it’s really person-specific.
I hand around a lot of some of my parent friends (in fact some I actually hang out with more since we are more likely to do brunch/park then a big bar night).
Some, however, are only in parent-mode and just aren’t looking to hang out.
This is partly dependent on work but partly not. My best parent-friends are awesome two big lawyers – one a partner and one up for partner next year. I will frequently head to their place on a Friday night after the kids are asleep with wine/seltzer and take out.
Conversely, one former-bestie is now a stay at home mom and she still cannot find the time to see me for going on 6 months now.
EB0220
I read some of the comments, but not all. I am 35, have two little kids, one job and a husband with 2 jobs. I actually see childless friends way more than my friends with kids. Getting two families together requires a lot of coordination around a variety of activities, nap schedules, etc. OTOH, I can easily see my childless friends around 9 pm on a Thursday night while my children are at sleep at home. I am pretty introverted too.
Running Numbers
Advice is to exemplify Laura B! I was very concerned that my closest friendship would suffer because she is not a mom, but she is my very own Laura B. My son is just over a year old and she and I are closer than ever. She does many of the things Laura B mentioned. She was patient with me in the first few months of his life when I had little capacity for anything other than nursing, and she has always made herself available at times that fit for me. Of course, it goes both ways. I knew when I was being a horrible friend and couldn’t retain anything she told me, and she was gracious. Now that I am back to feeling like myself, our friendship is better than ever. We still support each other, equally. If she has a child one day, I will extend the same grace and support she’s provided to me and if not, she will never know the ways in which she has been my rock. Thank you, Laura’s of the world!
Charlottesville, VA makeup artist
Does anyone have any recommendations for a makeup artist in the Charlottesville, VA area? My friend is getting married this coming weekend and her makeup artist is no longer able to do it. TIA!
Potatoe
No specific recommendation, but I’ve had good luck calling Aveda salons. They seem to have a pretty consistent aesthetic.
Cville
I hope it isn’t too late and that you’ll see this in time! Jeanne Cusick and her team in Charlottesville are absolutely fantastic. Your friend could also try Moxie – it’s a salon near the Downtown Mall – and see if they can send one of their make-up artists out to your friend’s location.
Sydney Bristow
I have a shirt that has a short zipper and the beck of the neck. My hair keeps getting caught in it though. Any suggestions on how to fix this? Should I put tape or something over the top of the zipper?
Sydney Bristow
*at the back of the neck
Sus
I’m assuming you mean the unzipped bit at the top? You can have little pieces of fabric or ribbon sewn over each side of the top of the zipper like flaps to cover the teeth.
Pesh
A tailor may be able to add a “zipper garage” (I work at an apparel company and this is actually a technical term) at the top of the zipper to prevent your hair from getting caught in the teeth once it’s zipped.
Sydney Bristow
Thank you both! I’ll try to DIY it first and take it to a tailor for the zipper garage if I fail.
Jackets shopping
Anyone up for some vicarious shopping? I’m looking for two somewhat similar things:
1. Light grey leather jacket, or similar style in another material.
2. Camel/light brown/beige leather jacket (or similar style in another material) or collarless blazer.
I’m looking for a clean, modern vibe with both of them, and would aim to wear them both to a business casual (no jeans) office and on the weekends.
Ideally neither jacket would zip asymmetrically, as that doesn’t generally look good on me. Also, I prefer no fringe or really drapey styles. I’m also short-torsoed and can do either petite or regular sizing.
Thanks in advance!
KT
I’m obsessed with this gray bomber jacket, but it may be too casual for your office: http://ow.ly/nrte3052580
This suede Calvin Klein jacket is work-appropriate and gorgeous: http://ow.ly/SBIe30525Xn
And this lovely jacket comes in camel, brown and red and can be dressed up or down: http://amzn.to/2ejKxKQ
Bad Company
Well it finally happened. I’ve posted about my company being in financial trouble and now they can’t pay my expenses accrued on a work trip.
I turned in my expense report September 20, the policy is that, if turned in by Wednesday they pay the following Friday. The first Friday I thought my boss must have missed the deadline. The second Friday I forgot about it until mid week. I asked about it and my boss said he tracked it down and it would be paid immediately that day and it would be in my account the next day. It wasn’t, nor was it last Friday with my regular paycheck. I followed up with my boss, he said he’s disappointed because even though they default with suppliers all the time they have never let employees go unpaid. Sympathy but no answers.
(Background, customers are furious they aren’t getting what they ordered and due to layoffs and coworkers quitting I have 3 jobs, I’m beyond swamped and another coworker quit on Friday, there is no one to do her job)
I had two job interviews last week, one very promising, and the other , contract to hire, I didn’t get.
I need a paycheck so I can’t just quit right now, but is there anything I can do about getting paid the money they owe me? It’s nearly $2,000 and half of it is on my credit card, so I have now had to pay a month of interest on it.
Anonymous
Oh no. Put this in writing. Our policy states xyz. I submits expenses on this date in this amount. Per our policy I should have been reimbursed on xyz date. I followed up with boss as follows and here is the response I got. Please arrange for payment immediately.
To your boss, boss’s boss, head of the company, head of HR, and head of legal if you have one.
anon...
I would keep checking in with the finance folks who cut the check…. every day if necessary.
You are totally living day to day, with no savings to cover this? If so…. tell them I guess, and ask for the interest.
Hang in there.
Bad Company
No, not living day to day, financially I’m fine, I’m just mad that I’ve not been reimbursed.
Anonymous
If you’re not living paycheck to paycheck, pay it off now and get rid of the interest. You may never get reimbursed for the principal, but at least you won’t be liable for a huge a mount of interest on top of it.
Bad Company
Ugh. You’re right. I keep expecting it any day so I haven’t done anything about it.
Anonymous
+1
Yes, you wont get any interest back.
Bad Company
I sent the email to the President, COO and finance dept. The COO responded that all employee expenses were paid lasat week. I responded that I didn’t get it so I will call my bank. The VP of finance responded that today is Columbus day so it should be there tomorrow. I’m so frustrated, I don’t believe them.
I really need out.
Anonymous
Do you have proof that your expense report was actually submitted and accepted?
Anonymous
Will
You get a paycheck?
Shoes needed
Need some shoe help. Does anyone have a pair of dress sandals (like a pair of strappy sandals that you would wear to a formal wedding or event) that are comfortable and you could walk/dance for hours and not have dying feet? I need a pair in either black, tan/beige, or metallic. Thanks in advance for any recs you might have!
Minnie Beebe
Maybe I’m admitting that I’m an old lady (I’m 43…) but I have a pair of black strappy Naturalizer shoes that I find really comfortable. Not these, but similar: http://www.naturalizer.com/en-US/Product/EC0221226-3008482/Naturalizer/Black/Danya.aspx
I’m not a heel person – don’t generally enjoy wearing them for too long, and these are doable for me.
Anonymous
+1
Comfortable shoes
I got married and danced all night in Loeffler Randal Reina kitten heels (I think they’re actually 2.5 or 3 inches, so not kitten in my book, but that’s what the brand calls them). Thought they were fabulous.
Samantha
Yes but they are more pumps rather than sandals:
Clarks Crewso Riley pump
Naturalizer Sharon Dress Pump
Boyfriend
I’m looking for a pair of boyfriend jeans for a petite pear (I always have a gaping-waist problem in most jeans). Any recommendations? I don’t want something too tight, but don’t want to be swimming in them either.
anon...
FYI – I am a pear, and boyfriend jeans are harder for me to pull off without looking pretty big on my bottom half.
Anonymous
Check out the levi’s website. They have a curvy cut that has worked well for me — no gaping at all and no seams cutting into me. Not sure if the have boyfriend, but their bootcuts and skinnies worked well for me.
Snick
I have some Lucky Brand boyfriend jeans that are really flattering and didn’t require any alteration. I almost always have to get the waist nipped in on jeans. I don’t think the specific style I have is still available, but I recommend Lucky brand for pears.
ORD
Not a pear, but I just bought the grey Talbots boyfriend jeans yesterday, and they are so comfortable and I love the color.
Anonymous
Only female partner at small company. No hr or office manager. We have a new young female hire who is excellent but she doesn’t shave her legs. She had asked if she was required to wear tights when we hired her and we had said no. One of the partners complained about the hairy leg situation saying it was unsightly. I honestly don’t care and think it wouldn’t be appropriate to tell her to shave or wear some sort of leg covering. Thoughts here?
In general terms she works somewhere where clients will see her but who knows if they check our her legs. If I client is offended by it j wouldn’t care.
Sydney Bristow
Yikes. I’m so glad nobody has ever told me I have to shave my legs or wear tights. Can you push back with the other partner?
References
Found a relevant askamanager column. Not prescriptive but a place to start discussions with either party.
http://www.askamanager.org/2016/06/are-unshaven-legs-unprofessional.html
Anonymous
Interesting…. is this a new thing with the young generation?
With all the obsession now of shaving even more of the female body that was never done in my day (eg. privates, arms etc…) I will be pleasantly surprised if the tide is turning.
Although in a client facing position with older generations, I would think this might be a tiny issue….. but tiny…
jwalk
Definitely not appropriate. This isn’t affecting her performance and is just a personal grooming choice. Male partner needs to reconcile his idea of female beauty standards with reality.
Anon
What if that same company requires men to have clean shaven faces to have a professional look?
Anon
My counterpoint would be does she need to shave her face and is she facially hirsute?
ANon
Then they can require her to have a clean shaven face, too.
SD
I don’t think it’s appropriate to say anything, and if she’s not client facing then it’s a total non-issue. If she were, say, a salesperson, I’d be more concerned because then grooming is relevant (but it would still be inappropriate to say anything, imo). Working ‘where clients can see her’ is very different than being in a ‘face of the company’ or liaison type position.
Anonymous
Hi – Hoping to get some advice! I am going to Asia on a business trip later this month and would like to plan a layover in Tokyo. What is the minimum length of a layover I need in Narita to go see Tokyo? Is it worth it if I only have 12 hours? Thanks!
Anonymous
Yeah, its definitely worth leaving the airport if you have 12 hours. But I would try to stay longer if possible. Tokyo is an amazing city.
Scarlett
It takes a couple of hours to get from Narita into Tokyo, Haneda is much closer. Agree to try to take more time as Tokyo is awesome.
Anon
The Narita Express train takes 50 minutes or the bus will take over an hour. So that’s 3-4 hours including custom/security, giving you 8 hours of exploration. You won’t see everything, but you’ll get 2 or 3 areas:
1/ Tokyo Station (shopping, Imperial Palace) 2/ Asakusa (Sensoji temple, Tokyo Skytree)
3/ Shinjuku (National Park, shopping, Metro Government Building)
4/ Shibuya (Meiji Jingu shrine, shopping)
Japan generally operates from 10 am to 8 pm. If you happen to have time before or after that range, you’ll have to figure out what’s open (such as temples and shrines, night clubs, late night eateries).
Registries?
I have some reservations about having a wedding registry. I feel icky asking our guests – who range from students to new parents to folks in retirement (and thus on fixed incomes) – to give us stuff we don’t need when we’re basically the best off financially that we will probably ever be in our lives. APW basically convinced me to have a registry – some people like to express their love in the form of gifts. A registry allows them to do that without stressing about whether we’ll like their gift.
We’re going to focus on upgrades and things that will get used over time (sheets and towels). These items will likely come from lots of different places. I’d like the registry items to be in one list for the sake of convenience. I’d also like the registry to be password protected. APW has advertised a couple of paid registries, but I’m not really sure what the differences are or if they’re easy to use or if they’re even worth it. What registries have you used, either for your own wedding or as a guest, that you felt were respectful and user-friendly?
Anonymous
Stop worrying about being respectful. Get over it. That’s literally not a thing. You don’t need to justify it.
If you want stuff from all over Zola is pretty good!
full of ideas
I completely disagree. My spouse and I did not get a registry because it felt weird. It’s your wedding, you can decide.
Jitterbug
It’s fine wanting to upgrade stuff you use a lot! If I were getting married, I would absolutely register for a new rice cooker and a nice vacuum, maybe some new towels, seems pretty standard even for couples who already have what they need. If nothing else, it makes sense to set up a registry for people who really want to give you gifts out of a desire to be traditional. I wonder if you could assure people that gifts are optional, and all you expect are people’s presence, would people believe you mean it?
Anonymous
Nope. Gifts are always optional. Saying it implies you think otherwise they weren’t.
Batgirl
I disagree. Saying they’re optional reinforces that they’re optional. Because most people who care about etiquette don’t think of wedding gifts as optional. And they still won’t after you say it but people may at least feel more comfortable with a modest gift.
anonshmanon
Have you looked into an amazon wishlist? They do have most things you could ask for, imo.
And re: your icky feeling, just make sure to deliver the info in the right tone (Your presence at our big day will be the best gift we could ask for. If you would like to give something more, a financial contribution will make our honeymoon that much sweeter. As an alternative, here is a good old registry list [link], showing some things we would enjoy in everyday life.)
Anonymous
I actually really disagree with this. Just have a link to your registry on your website. No need for explaining. Just calls more attention to it.
OP
I was going back and forth about wording, but I think I might go with just a link and no explanatory note. I like the idea of “Your presence is all the gift we want!” but we have some far-flung friends and family that might not be able to make it. I don’t want to imply that they’re letting us down by not spending thousands to attend, or that sending a card (with or without gift) is somehow inadequate. I’m probably overthinking this.
H
Agreed. Just post a link and leave it at that. People will get you what they can afford and it might not even be from your registry. I felt weird about registering too but just keep in mind that people will likely want to get you something and having guidance is always helpful.
Anonymous
Yeah, that paragraph is only ok if you drop the last two lines and just say “Your presence at our big day will be the best gift we could ask for.” Please don’t say “If you would like to give something more….” That is soo much tackier than just linking to a registry.
anonshmanon
genuinely curious, why do you guys see it that way? To me, saying “All I want [for christmas] is you! Aaaand here is my wishlist!” is self-contradicting and hypocritical.
Anonymous
Oh no. This is far ickier.
OP, just make sure your registry includes a variety of price points and you’ll be fine.
Anonymous
Registries are fine and not disrespectful in any way, but if you really don’t want gifts you can simply say that on the invitation. Don’t say gifts are optional (they always are) but you can say “No gifts please, your presence is gift enough” or something like that. If you do that, my guess is a lot of people will take you at your word and not give a gift, a lot of people will give you cash or a gift card and a small number of people will give you something totally random.
We didn't register
If you don’t want to register, don’t register! We didn’t. Some people expressed surprise, most did not. We received a mix of cash/checks, gift cards, actual physical gifts, and some people gave no gift (which was truly 100% fine by us). You do you!
We didn't register, either
Agreed–don’t register if you don’t want to!
We had the same result in terms of the gifts people gave, and were truly 100% fine with not getting gifts from people, as with “We didn’t register” above.
One or two even contributed to one of the suggested charities that we recommended giving to, instead. I understand our making this additional recommendation is something not everyone would approve of (or want to d0) but the point is–you do you!
anon
I have one friend who told me what she likes to give people when they don’t have a registry: she individually wraps dozens of kitchen chochkies – measuring cups and spoons, apple corer, egg slicer, timer, etc., all the cheapest versions she could find because she bought so many – then wraps them up in a giant box so the couple can “have the fun of unwrapping all of these tiny gifts!” I told her, “I love you, but that is the most obnoxious thing I’ve ever heard in my life. If I got that I would immediately throw it in the trash without opening all the little things.” So be careful what you wish for. People do some crazy nonsense if you don’t give them a way to focus their “love.”
Anonymous
That’s funny, but i would like this gift!
anon
I think I would like this or at least not be annoyed by it as a birthday gift. I would not find it amusing when I have 50 other gifts to open and find a place for in my house.
Batgirl
Then register! This is what happens when you don’t register.
CMT
Oh my god, I would hate that.
Senior Attorney
Exactly! A friend who married last year told me “you have to register because if you don’t people will just give you all kinds of random s[tuff]!”
Sydney Bristow
I’m a guest who loves to give gifts to the married couple. It is 1000% easier when there is a registry to pick from.
We used Amazon for our registry, which worked almost perfectly. We did get a duplicate gift and had to pay a restocking fee (or return shipping, I can’t remember which). Other than that, it was great. I’d register for items at a variety of price points and just put a link to the registry on your wedding webs1te (if you have one). I don’t think it had a password option though. We set ours up to just have our last initial instead of last names though so it wasn’t searchable and you couldn’t get to it without the link.
anonshmanon
as another comment when my friends got married they initially set up a registry to please the side of the family that they perceived as more traditional (ie, presumably preferring giving registry items over giving cash). In the end, all those aunts and uncles gave cash. So, if you think you don’t need that kind of thing, maybe you really just don’t.
Meg March
We are using Zola and have liked our experience so far.
Brunette Elle Woods
I’m in the Northeast and I always thought the registry was for the bridal shower and a card with a check is for the wedding. I’ve never brought a physical item to a wedding.
BabyAssociate
Yes! Also what I found growing up in the Northeast. When I moved to the South I found that’s very much not the case. Although, I don’t ever bring anything to weddings, when you order from the registry there’s usually the option to send it right to the couple.
anne-on
Ditto. I’ve never in my life ever brought anything but a card with a check in it to a wedding. I think I got two physical gifts at our wedding, both from southern college friends.
Tech issues?
Kat, not sure if this is a thing or not, but I was trying to load this site and it was stalling out and saying “loading iloveiconfonts.com.” Not sure if that was related to your site formatting or something, but just wanted to give you a heads-up.
Martha's Jacket
I loved Martha’s jacket last night. Where do I find a similar one?
Amanda
I have been using the Paula’s Choice weekly resurfacing treatment. I think it’s making my skin break out at my hairline and it leaves my skin around my nose raw and bright red. Any suggestions for anything more gentle?
SD
Looks like that’s an alpha hydroxy acid, or AHA. Luckily for you, there are many AHA options! Glycolic acid is a very common one, but also the harshest. For people with sensitive skin, mandelic acid is sometimes recommended because it is less penetrative of the skin barrier. Lactic acid is somewhere in the middle.
Other options include using a lower % of glycolic acid, or applying on top of moisturizers/occlusives first as a slight barrier. I’d also recommend assessing your overall skin health and make sure your moisture barrier is healthy, because that will enable your skin to stand up to harsher treatments. If you want to include more about your overall skin routine and type, I’m happy to direct you to more specific resources and advice.
For AHA, I currently use something called Corsx Whitehead Power Liquid, which you can order on Amazon Prime. It’s also glycolic and I use it about every 3 days, depending on how my skin is feeling. Corsx is widely considered to be excellently formulated. I use it with a very mild low-pH cleanser, soothing toners, and a couple of moisturizing layers, or else my skin wouldn’t be able to take it. So I’d advise looking into other products but also considering your overall routine and skin health in order to solve the problem.
JTX
Do any of you who live in an urban setting run outside at night? I live very close to downtown Houston and, for a variety of reasons, the best time for me to run would be around 9:00 p.m. Is that completely nuts, or am I being overly cautious? I am more worried about violent crime than being accidentally hit by a bad driver, although I realize that statistically it may be less likely to occur. Any thoughts (or tips on how to make it safer) would be appreciated.
cbackson
I do it but I don’t love doing it. Find places where there will be other people, do not wear headphones, and PLEASE GOD make sure you are wearing light-colored clothing, reflective accessories, and blinkies. I know you’re more worried about crime, but it’s the cars that will kill you. That is the primary reason that running at night is dangerous.
the gold digger
That’s why the path around Rice is nice – it is off the road but still easy to run on.
Anonymous
Yes to all the visibility devices and no to headphones. I don’t live in a big city, but two women in my community have been hit by cars while running in the dark within the past year or so. One died and the other was severely injured.
JuniorMinion
I am a Houston resident and prior resident of NYC. I would not run / go into downtown Houston late at night. it is pretty deserted and unsafe. You could try part of the buffalo bayou trail – not sure how populated it is at night, or run through an area like the historic heights that is more populated and safer at night.
I’m a former investment banker so I totally get the need to work out at erratic hours, I just personally wouldn’t want to be anywhere besides in my office or in my car in parts of downtown at night.
Terry
I run with headphones in Chicago around 9pm, but I run on a major street so there are always other people around. I’d be much more hesitant to run in a quiet residential neighborhood.
CMT
Even though you *feel* safer with more people, the quiet residential neighborhoods are probably *actually* safer.
Anonymous
Chicagoan here.
What neighborhood?
This sounds very risky to me. Vat a minimum take out your headphones.
I have been robbed and secularly assaulted in well populated areas during the day.
Anonymous
Nice autocorrect…
S3xually
Anonymous
In Houston specifically I think some areas are pretty populated well into the night. Like Buffalo Bayou seems reasonable to run at 9 because there are still a lot of people around. Herman Park at 9 gets super sketchy, but it is also more sketchy during the day. I wouldn’t run downtown downtown in Houston at night because the homeless population would freak me out (rightfully or wrongly). I think it just depends on the area. Most of Rice Military and River Oaks I think would be fine to run in, but I would definitely carry a phone and possibly mace just because it would make myself feel better about it.
H
I would only run outside after dark if I were with someone else, doesn’t matter which large city or small town it is.
Anonymous
How close to downtown? I run on the Heights Bike Trail from the Heights towards downtown at night occasionally (if I miss my morning run generally) and am rarely the only one out there running or biking. It’s a well traveled trail but there are no lights. A small red flashing LED would be useful so cyclists can see you. Otherwise, Buffalo Bayou is also very close to downtown and it’s actually lit at night, and, again, usually has other runners and cyclists out. I feel completely safe on both of those trails at night personally.
Anonymous
I lived in EaDo for years (now live in the burbs). Please do not run in downtown Houston at 9 pm. Yea, you might do it 100 times and not have any problems for 99 of them, but it’s just not worth running that risk. Downtown Houston doesn’t have any of the traditional safety features of a big city- it’s deserted after hours, there’s very little police presence that late, there are no emergency phones/alerts. When I lived in EaDo, I ran at the gym Mon-Fri and outside along Buffalo Bayou on Sat/Sun during the day when there were lots of other runners around.
If you’re going to do it, do not wear headphones, carry your phone with you and let someone know your planned route and/or when you expect to arrive home. If you have a dog, run with your dog.
TorontoNewbie
Does anyone have any thoughts on the custom suiting by Sumissura? It sort of looks like indochino for women. Website: http://www.sumissura.com.
thanks!
Emmer
Would love the perspective of any in-house attorneys here. I work at a small firm, and I’m getting really frustrated that one of my clients keeps rejecting my bills on a particular project I’m doing. Without going into specifics, I’m basically drafting responses to due diligence questions on behalf of the client, which involves answering many sub-components for each question within a spreadsheet. To find the answer these questions, I need to reference multiple documents provided by the client, and cite the appropriate document sections and think of a “diplomatic” way to phrase the answer (particularly where the answer isn’t what the recipient of the spreadsheet wants to hear). This is extraordinarily time-consuming, even though the end product doesn’t look that complicated.
I’m not the person reviewing bills, but I’ve talked to the attorney at my firm who has the client relationship, and she is very sympathetic and has defended my time, though she ended up writing off some. But now the client is doing the same challenge for the second month in a row. Is there something I should be doing in my bills to better reflect the complexity of this work? Right now I say something like “Review documents provided by client and draft answers to due diligence questions numbers X-Y.” Or is this just the client being stubborn?
Anonymous
I think “review” tends to trigger rejection mode in a lot of clients, because it sounds like you’re just reading over a document, which (in theory) shouldn’t take that long. I tend to try to use “analyze” or “review and analyze” instead, since to me, that more accurately represents what I’m doing – I’m not just reading the thing, I’m reading it and thinking about it and trying to figure out what to do with it. Also, I’d probably stop specifying which questions you’re answering – if it’s “only” a few questions, that could also make the client concerned that you’re spending too much time on it (“All she did was flip through some stuff we gave her and answer two questions!”). If you need to specify a quantity of questions answered for firm or client reasons, I’d try to re-word it to reflect the actual scope of work (i.e. – “answered questions X through Y with 147 sub-parts”).
Also, if the client objected and got money off the bill last month, of course they’re going to do the same thing this month – they already know it works! Don’t take it personally.
Anonymous
If you’re still reading — does it impact you that your time is being written off? If your billing partner isn’t upset with you about it and it’s not affecting your pay, I don’t think I would worry about this. I wouldn’t personally object to your time entry description, and if it’s time consuming it’s time consuming. Sometimes the in-house counsel is responding to internal budgetary pressures more than to what’s actually on your time entries.
Anonymous
Be more detailed. Which documents are you reviewing? What information are you looking for? Which due diligence questions are you answering? What information are you providing? If your narratives are really detailed and the client is still refusing to pay, your billing attorney needs to have a conversation with the client about their expectations. Or needs to have a conversation with you about why she/he is ok with the client not paying for your time. Especially if you get paid based on collections.
House cleaning service cost
Hello ladies…I know this question has been asked before. But…here I go.
How much does house cleaning service cost in a city with medium cost of living? I just got a quote and I think they are quite high. We have a 1000 sqft apartment with 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, living room, dining area, kitchen and a small hallway. The service provider said it will take four hours to clean and it will be $184 per service if we get a bi-weekly service (so $368 per month) and $280 for once a month service.
Is this reasonable?
Emmer
Yikes, no, that is way high IMO (and way overestimating the amount of time it will take). I live in a 3 bedroom 2.5 bath townhouse in a HCOL area, about 1600 sq ft, and pay $120 for biweekly service. Takes 2 people 2 hours. When I lived in a 1 bed/1 bath, 850 sq ft apt, it was $80 for biweekly service and took one person 2 hours.
SD
Pretty high. I live in NYC and have a similarly sized apartment (slightly smaller) and on the high end got quoted $140 for once a month for a service that gets great reviews and is run like a co-op (so all the cleaners have partial ownership and get paid direct, which I felt good about).
CHS
I know this topic is well worn here (pun intended!), but please share your tips on transitioning to/starting a business-light wardrobe. I have a new job in a more formal environment – not necessarily business formal, but jackets should be at the ready for meetings – than my previous experiences, and that combined with having Kondo-ified my wardrobe and being postpartum has me basically starting from scratch. I’ve bought a few things here and there (one suit, one jardigan, one dress), but am struggling with the day to day of patching stuff together, and am finding myself spending an exorbitant amount of time shopping to try to get up and running as quickly as possible. At this point I’d hand over a considerable sum of money if someone would just send me a work uniform capsule wardrobe. (Fwiw, I’ve Bento-ed but it wasn’t a homerun and left me with more questions than answers.) Tips, tricks? Favorite brands for classic separates and suits?
DC Anon
I transitioned from business casual to business a couple years ago. I use black and navy as the base colors, and I have three basic outfits: 1) pants suit for client meetings, 2) sheath dress with jardigan or unstructured blazer, 3) slacks with a shell and blazer. My wardrobe breaks down as follows:
1) 3 pants suits (2 black, 1 navy);
2) probably 10 sleeved sheath dresses in black, navy, black/white patterns, and eggplant with a black jardigan and a black unstructured blazer;
3) 3 pairs black slacks, 3 pairs navy slacks, several black or navy shells, and several textured blazers that are obviously meant to be worn as separates rather than as part of a suit.
My suits are Theory and Boss, purchased at Nordstrom Rack on significant discount and then tailored.
My sheath dresses are from Nordstrom and MMLaFleur. From Nordstrom, Classiques Entier ponte dresses are great, and I tend to otherwise just filter by length, silhouette, and sleeve. My jardigan is MMLaFleur and the blazer I wear with dresses is from Halogen (Nordstrom).
My slacks are Banana Republic and J. Crew. I’ve picked up shells at random places, but I aim for tops with short sleeves so I don’t have to dry clean as much. I find blazers everywhere: Nordstrom, Ann Taylor, BR, J. Crew, Zara, Brooks Brothers, etc.
I wear black shoes, simple gold jewelry, and carry a black or red bag. I think the key is deciding on a uniform (or in my case, a couple uniforms) with a limited color palette. And then being very particular about clothing fit — the goal is to have no clothing that you don’t really like. As a result, my morning what-to-wear decision tree looks like this: do I have a client meeting today? if yes, then pants suit. if no, then I’ll wear whatever is clean and not something that I’ve worn in the past few days.
anne-on
Yes, I do a variation of this. My ‘base colors’ are navy, grey, and oxblood – almost every single dress, blazer, pair of pants, or skirt are in this color scheme with some variations (ex – a purple-ish blazer, gold or tan blazer) My accessorizing colors are tan, green, ruby red, and lighter blues/whites – these are my blouses, shoes, bags, and scarves. I very very recently added in some black ‘base pieces’ (dress, skirt suit, and pants) for very formal occasions or interviews. Pick the colors that suit you best and go from there.
This may sound restrictive but I find it helpful in that nearly all of my wardrobe matches, so packing for business trips is super easy. It also makes it easy for me to cut down on shopping – if it doesn’t fit my color scheme, replace something worn out, or fill a hole, I don’t buy it.
It also (IMHO) looks fairly chic/sophisticated as the clothes that fit these characteristics tend to be classic, simple, and age/wear well. Bonus – I buy a lot of clothes on super sales on the off seasons (so heavy wool blazers from Brooks Brothers in late May/June) and can sort easily by my colors, and buy things gradually.
CHS
Thanks to both of you! This is super helpful and exactly what I was looking for. Off to go find more dresses on sale.
Golightly
Some wedding etiquette advice please… I have RSVPed to the day portion of a very dear school friend’s Hens day (goes from 12pm til late), and have just discovered that another old friend, who I am less close to but spend more time with that circle of friends, has scheduled their wedding for the same day. We didn’t receive a save the date for the wedding due to an address mix up, their ceremony is at 12 noon, and reception at 6pm. I also need to make time to go home in the middle of the afternoon as I have a medical condition that needs intensive treatment at that time. Just wondering what people’s thoughts are, whether I should cancel my attendance to the Hens, or try to attend both by skipping the ceremony and just going to the reception. Personally I don’t feel great about doing that, as I think the ceremony is important, however I would be extremely sad to miss out on my friend’s Hens as we were very close in high school and have separate lives now so just don’t see each other anymore. Worst comes to worst I’ll still be attending her wedding though.
Anonymous
RSVP no to the wedding. You already have plans. This seems easy to me.
Golightly
Thing is, we knew about the wedding in advance, attended the engagement party etc, we just didn’t receive the date when we were supposed to. My partner is attending and is good friends with the groom, so it would be a bit strange for me to just say no. He actually received the invitation last week but didn’t tell me about it until today :|.
Anonymous
No, it wouldn’t. He can go, so he RSVPs yes. You can’t, so you RSVP no. If anyone asks him “she sends her love but had a prior commitment.”
BabyAssociate
Uhhhh what is a Hen’s day?!
Anonymous
An English bachelorette party
Golightly
Combination of kitchen tea and hens night plus some other stuff: some fun day activities (she’s quite sporty), afternoon tea, then dinner and the traditional hens night strip club etc, attendance to any portion of the day is optional.
Anonymous
Lol. To translate: kitchen tea is a shower. Hen’s night is a bach party.
BabyAssociate
Hahaha thank you!
anon
It’s perfectly fair to not attend the ceremony under these circumstances. A lot of people won’t go to the ceremony anyway when there’s such a huge gap. The fact that you already have plans – and it was the couple’s mistake that you didn’t get the save the date – gives you a pretty ironclad out here.
As far as whether you should try to attend the hen party around lunchtime, go home mid-afternoon, and then go to the wedding… That’s really up to you and your health. It sounds like a long day even if it’s logistically possible. Don’t overextend yourself. If you have to choose one, I think I’d choose the hen because you’ve already committed to it.
APC
If I was the bride in both situations, I’d be more upset if someone missed my wedding than my Hen party (or bachelorette, we we call it here). One idea – one of my closest friends had to miss my bachelorette (can’t remember why), but she made a special effort to have a girls day the two of us. We went to a fancy spa and got awesome massages (her treat but that wasn’t necessary), had lunch and dinner, etc. Especially if you have separate lives now, she might like spending time one on one with you than with all her other friends.
SteelCityMagnolia
Anyone else not getting the daily emails? Has something changed that they aren’t being sent and I missed it? I got Friday’s email the last two weeks and that has been it. Nothing has changed on my end. Any advice?