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Ladies, as I mentioned earlier, the Nordstrom sale is good. I did a fuller roundup for workwear earlier in the week, but I thought I'd mention some great weekend basics I just spied in the sale: tons of Splendid tops, 15-25% percent off. Not a huge sale, admittedly, but these shirts are some of my favorites for the weekend, and they've been on every “best of” list for the past thousand years — they're soft, they wash well, and they last. Pictured here: the deep V neck, the turtleneck (the thin jersey turtleneck is a growing trend — if you don't have one I'd suggest picking one up!) and a simple white tee. They're $34 to $43, at Nordstrom.
Happy weekend! As you may know it's Columbus Day weekend, which means a lot of sales — some noteworthy ones we've seen include:
- 6pm's featured sales include MICHAEL Michael Kors, Clarks, Frye boots, and running shoes. (Tons of reader favorite MICHAEL flex pumps down to $54.)
- Ann Taylor is 50% off sitewide.
- Anthropologie is offering an extra 40% off sale.
- Brooks Brothers is offering an additional 25% off your purchase. (Lots of great stuff, particularly in Red Fleece.)
- Club Monaco is offering an extra 40% off sale.
- Express seems very excited about its “buy 1 get 50% off” EVERYTHING sale.
- J.Crew is offering 40% off sale styles (and a ton of other styles are 30% off).
- J.Crew Factory has 50% off everything.
- Last Call has an extra 30% off everything.
- Loft is offering an extra 40% off everything.
- Talbots is offering 30-40% off everything, and an extra 30% off markdowns.
- Zappos seems to be having some unannounced sales — some Stuart Weitzman shoes are 20-30% off (including these highly rated purple block pumps), some Cole Haan sales, and tons of Frye clearance.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Headache
Me again, with the headache. Posted a few weeks ago about this chronic severe headache on my left-side and its resistance to treatment. The dentist finally diagnosed it as teeth grinding, I was given a mouth guard and a muscle relaxant, and told it would resolve itself very quickly.
Well, it’s been about a week and no resolution. I’ve seen a neurologist concurrently, who had no diagnosis but was skeptical of the grinding. Yesterday I got an MRI and get the results on Tuesday.
This morning I woke up and the blood vessels in my left ear lobe have burst. Wtf? It looks as though someone pinched my ear really really hard – but they didn’t. Is it really just a coincidence that it’s the same area as the headache? I called the neurologist and am waiting for him to return my call, but his nurse said this sounded very unusual. I’m at work and feeling so anxious. I keep bursting into tears at my office. Can’t leave early, can’t get anything done – am basically just sitting here reading about all the scary things it could be, like a brain tumor or a dural fistula. I’m only 26 and healthy, getting married soon. I’m in a really bad thought cycle right now, imagining all the worst things. Have you guys ever had burst capillaries in your ear lobe? Advice for getting through the weekend while waiting for my MRI results? Future MIL is visiting, which just adds to the stress.
BabyShark
See if they’ll prescribe a low level sedative/anti anxiety if that’s something you’re interested in. I had a health scare a few months ago (ended up being totally nothing) on a Friday that lead to me tearing up in my doctor’s office and when she told me I needed blood work, it turned into full blown sobs (needles terrify me). She ended up prescribing 5 mg pills of clonazepam which I could take over the weekend as necessary and then before my bloodwork and it did wonders for keeping me calm. It does dull you out a little, which future MIL may or may not notice, but I recommend letting future spouse handling MIL this weekend so you can get some rest. Sounds like you could use it.
anon
I’m sorry this is happening. Whatever it is, you have done the right things to take charge of your health. Let the doctors do their job and stop looking at google. The waiting just sucks.
I think I would approach this like bar exam results – I have done everything I can and now it is out of my hands. Worst case scenario is that I failed and I will have to deal with that. But I don’t have to face that today. So I will embrace the not-knowing because it’s better than the worst it could be.
Sending good thoughts your way.
Anon
I’ve suffered from chronic daily headaches since 2011. Still no idea what caused them, but I had a migraine for a few weeks and then a lower level headache constantly. Hopefully it is not that, but if it is, just be patient that it may take a while to find the right medications to deal with it. I’ve been on Cymbalta for 2 years and it has worked very well for me; I still get the occasional migraine (more often than a regular person probably) but I no longer have the daily headaches. I was put on muscle relaxers, blood pressure meds, epilepsy meds, Prozac, Adderall and others before figuring out what worked best for me. I also developed TMJ as a result of the headaches.
It can also be difficult finding a neurologist that is good with chronic headaches. The first one I saw (at a nationally recognized academic medical center) basically said he couldn’t help me after my MRI, CT scans and other tests came back normal. I love my neurologist now though, he specializes in headache/migraine.
Anon
I’m so sorry. Good for you for seeking medical advice. I haven’t experienced quite the same thing, but I used to have TMJ and had frequent headaches (a migraine per week or so). I was told to keep a headache journal to find the root cause. I think stress and hormones are big triggers, at least in my case. It’s hard to get stress under control quickly. It’s not a simple fix, but something to work towards. For me, changing jobs eliminated my frequent headaches and TMJ because I was under much less mental turmoil.
Meg Murry
Why can’t you leave early? Do you have a headache right now? If you are sitting in your office and crying, I’d say you should take a sick day since you aren’t getting anything done.
Did you get your MRI done at a facility associated with an emergency room? Or one associated with your primary doctor? If you don’t get a call back from your neurologist, I’d call your primary care doctor’s office and ask if they can find out if your MRI has been completed?
Honestly, you are probably fine and maybe this is overreacting, but I’d go to the ER now, not wait over the weekend.
I’ve never had the blood vessels in my earlobe burst, but my mother and I have the ever so lucky symptom of having capillaries in our eyeballs burst when we are super stressed and our blood pressure takes a sudden spike. It looks terrible, but apparently it’s not dangerous, just ugly.
At a minimum, can you close your office door, step away from the Google, close your eyes and do some deep breathing? You seem really stressed, and that can’t be good for your health. Hugs to you.
Anonymous
+1 to blood vessels bursting in your eyes. It’s happened to me a few times in connection with terrible sinus headaches and it didn’t mean I was having an aneurysm or anything like that. Looks disgusting, but it’s harmless, according to my doctor.
Wanderlust
OP, I had the exact same diagnosis you did. Unfortunately, a week with the mouthguard is not enough time to see all of your problems resolve. I had three months of 3x weekly physical therapy on my jaw and neck muscles. If you can find a PT who specializes in this area, it will work wonders on many different areas of your body (head, neck, posture).
CJ
You are going to be OK.
The bruise/broken blood vessel on your ear has nothing to do with your headache. Just a coincidence…. anything from a funny way you slept to a bug bite in the night etc….. There is no concerning terrible headache associated condition that would cause this to occur. None.
Follow-up with an appointment with the Neurologist soon. This may not be related to your teeth grinding (I am also not convinced of this from what you describe). But it is certainly worth trying.
The chance of this being something that you fear is incredibly low. Stay off the internet. I’m sorry this is taking time, but honestly…. the longer the headache lasts, the less likely it is something truly terrible. But pain is awful, the right doctor can figure it out and make it better.
Meanwhile….. sleep. Stay hydrated. Don’t overdo it on caffeine. Take the pain relievers the neurologist recommended. Get outside for a good walk every day. And stay off the internet. Except this site :)
LTMS
I’ve had migraines for years. At one point they also suggested TMJ. I have a combination of migraine types and treatments and suggest trying your best to stay off of the internet full of possible, horrible causes and wait to hear from the doctor on Tuesday.
I’ve never had the blood vessel thing but if the neurologist is good and didn’t call back quickly, I wouldn’t stress too much about it. You can always call again to check in and see if the on call recommends urgent care or emergency room – set your mind at rest a little.
Also, this is a little tangential, but if you take a birth control pill, talk to your gynecologist soon. There are increased risks with migraines that might make another form a better idea. This isn’t necessarily something most people would think to mention to the gynecologist, so I thought I’d let you know. Also, if the migraines are hormone related, different options might be better or worse.
Unfortunately with migraines, beyond the basic tests to see if there is anything awful that we can treat for at play, it’s a lot of trial and error. Best of luck and remember you aren’t alone in this!
Baconpancakes
Anybody have favorite (read: comfortable) black wedge heels to recommend? Preferably under $150, not suede, no bows, wide-ish, needs to arrive before next Thursday.
Anonymous
If you are okay with patent: http://www.zappos.com/bandolino-yara
Lana
Are there rules for patent shoes? My only comfy black wedges are patent and I wear them all the time with everything. My mom made a comment about them and now I’m self-conscious.
Oldster
There USED to be rules for patent leather (and lots of other things!), but now I see them year-round. Wear them in good health!
Jdubs
Calvin Klein Saxton
CC
The Payless ones (kamilla I think) wear them all the time but they are patent.
AB
Nine West Ispy
Anonymous
Dirty Laundry, $50 on zappos, black patent non-leather
I’m a BigLaw partner and these things are the best wedges I’ve ever had. I may have to invest in a spare.
CountC
I have these in nude and they are AMAZING
Out of Place Engineer
Vionic Antonia
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HJJOHXG/ref=twister_B00LQIMK7Q
Love for my problem feet & comes in wide! I have them in leopard, too.
Anonymous
I wanted to love these. But they tore up my feet (like I can’t donate them b/c I bled on them). But very high-quality shoes.
Life is not fair.
Anon
I thought it was just me. I had one pair of Vionic flats that were so comfortable I wore them into the ground. Then I bought two more pair and both of them dug into the back of my foot so bad i also bled. What’s up with that?
NOLA
I found a pair of Cole Haans (patent, though) at DSW for about $50 back in the spring. I desperately needed comfortable shoes to wear to a funeral when I couldn’t wear heels yet after my knee surgery.
Baconpancakes
Lots of great suggestions – thanks, ladies. I think I’m going to have to go the “order five return four” route, but at last I’ll have shoes!
Engines
I wear the Lifestride Juliana to work almost every day. They might not be sleek enough for what you are looking for, but IMO they don’t look too matronly, and they are super comfortable. I’ve gotten them at DSW and Amazon and I think Zappos also has them. $40 usually and I would pay way more for how much I love them.
anon
Hey, guys.
I am working on getting better at curling my hair. A few questions: do curls usually stick better on wash day or the next day ? Also, I have wavy to straight hair that is pretty straight when I blowdry it. So do I blowdry it straight an then curl it? Seems odd. Or should I try to let it air dry or something?
Any strategy would be appreciated!
CountC
As ridiculous as this reads when typed out, I blow dry my naturally curly hair straight with a round brush, then use an iron to flatten the top half, then use a wide barrel curling iron to curl the bottom half. This is only when I actually GAF about what I look like, which is not all that often.
Anonymous
In general, when I’ve had my hair professionally styled, I’ve been asked to come in with next-day hair. So I would assume the same rationale would apply to curling.
lawsuited
You get more consistent curls if your hair is straigt-ish when you start (so for me, that means blow-drying rather than air-drying). I do find that curls hold better on hair that isn’t freshly washed, so my usual routine is Day 1: wash and blow out my hair, Day 2: Curl my hair, Day 3: Flat iron my hair.
Meg Murry
Things that make my hair accept a curl better in the long term:
-Don’t wash so often (every other day or every 3rd day, not daily). If you feel greasy, dry using a dry shampoo the night before.
-Don’t over condition – that makes my hair straighter, but slipperier. I now start with a tiny amount of conditioner, and work it through with a very wide toothed comb. Repeat with only a little bit of conditioner until you can comb through, then rinse really thoroughly.
-Consider hot rollers, or finding a way to pin or clip your curls when you take them out of your curling iron to let them cool coiled up. Heat helps make the hair take the curl, but cooling off actually sets the curl. At a minimum, don’t touch your curled hair any more than absolutely necessary until it cools.
Anonymous
Dry shampoo will also give volume and hold.
pugsnbourbon
I find this particularly true with a powder-type dry shampoo. I like Aveda’s Hair Potion and someone else on here recommended one by bumble & bumble.
Sydney Bristow
I like to use my curling wand and then kind of cup the curl in my hand while it cools for a few seconds. Then I spring it up and down. I found it on a youtube tutorial and it really works for me.
Anonymous
Dirty hair is better for styling. And if you hair has some natural wave or curl, don’t straighten it before you curl it – it will actually help the curls “grip” and not fall flat.
Anonymous
My co-worker announced earlier this week that she’s leaving to become a SAHM. I reacted by smiling and saying something like “Oh, that’s fantastic.” I was trying to be supportive of her, and what I meant was “that’s fantastic *for you*” because I know her family has some tough stuff going on right now and she feels like they would really benefit from having a parent at home, so I’m happy that she’s able to do this thing she’s been wanting to do. But my boss and a couple of male co-workers overheard and now I’m a little anxious that people think being a SAHM is something I aspire to. It’s not and I don’t want to give anyone that impression (I have no kids but am planning to TTC soon). Please tell me I’m overthinking this.
anon
You’re overthinking it.
Ellen
Yay, Open thread’s! I love open threads and this string! As to the OP, I respectfulley disagree. I want to be a SAHM also, but I first need to find a man to MARRY me, then impregnate me. Right now, that is a LONG way off b/c No man want’s to marry me, and I do NOT want to have a baby w/o a HUSBAND to support us. IN YOUR case, do NOT worry. It is NOT a sin to want to be a SAHM — I have been prepareing to be one since the day I gradueated LAW School, b/c I knew I realy wanted to have a BABY, and then who wants to work 85 hours a week and billeing 250 hours just to make the manageing partner rich? Not me, no way HOZE! I want what every person wants. Peace of Mind and a nice home that I can relax in. There is NOTHING wrong with that. Beleive me! YAY!!!
Anonymous
You’re overthinking this.
If you’re super concerned and her leaving comes up in conversation and her family challenges are not private, just make a point of emphasizing that you’re happy for her because you know she was really struggling with her family situation and you’re glad she figured out what worked for her.
Senior Attorney
Super overthinking.
OP
Ok, thanks for the sanity check!
Senior Attorney
I don’t know if I posted about it at the time, but last year when then-Gentleman Friend and I were on vacation out of the country, my parents came up with this cockamamie plan to move out of the assisted living place I found for them and it was a whole big brouhaha. Believe it or not, this year it happened again while I was on my honeymoon.
They are in their early 90s, experiencing some cognitive issues but not so much that it’s super apparent during a casual conversation. I might be able to get a conservatorship and I might not. They are absolutely not able to live on their own, but they are insisting they want to turn back the clock and move back to where they lived before the dual health disaster that brought them to assisted living in my town. They are being super belligerent and sneaky, and saying things like “if you will help us with this, we will fade away and you won’t have to worry about us ever again.”
I am one of two children of the marriage and there are two half-siblings on my dad’s side. I am the only responsible one, although my older half-brother is reasonably competent but not super interested for very valid reasons. I am SO TEMPTED to just take them at their word, let them do what they want to do, and cut off contact. They have enough money to get them through to the end, I think..
Is this ever an option? To just cast them adrift on the iceberg and wash my hands of them? They are just awful and have been awful pretty much my whole life. But it’s not clear to me that they wouldn’t just… die… if I weren’t there taking care of them. What do old people do when they have no family?
Thoughts?
Baconpancakes
Honestly? A lot of old people DO just die when they don’t have family. Or they receive substandard care and are miserable. They call ambulances and end up in the ER a lot for stupid things like falling off the toilet, and rack up medical bills they can’t pay, and put unnecessary burdens on the system. Sometimes, however, they just get really active in their church/knitting/bingo group, forget things sometimes, but are reasonably happy otherwise.
I’m not sure what to tell you to do. Why are they trying to move out of the assisted living place? What about it makes them unhappy? Are they at all responsive when you counter with examples of when they do legitimately need help? Whatever ends up happening, you’re a good daughter, and I hope your parents appreciate that, deep down, even when they’re fighting you.
SC
This sounds so frustrating. As tempting as it is to cast them off, you pretty clearly feel a moral obligation to make sure they are safe and reasonably comfortable, and that’s all that matters. I would research social services and/or getting a conservatorship so that you can ensure that happening with less direct future involvement and management from you.
lawsuited
+1 I think the same part of you that found them an assisted living facility, in your town, and continues to speak to them to ensure their well-being will make it hard for you to cut them off and wash your hands of them. So, knowing that you’re the kind of person that is probably going to continue to be involved in your parents’ lives, it’s probably best to keep their lives manageable for yourself. I’d look into getting a conservatorship. Of course, if you can’t get a conservatorship and therefore can’t keep them from moving out of the assisted living facility, then your hands are tied and you get to decide how much involvement you have at that point.
Anonymous
Is there an equivalent assisted living facility where they were before that they would be willing to go back to? Preferably one with a secure floor option so that if cognitive issues deteriorate they can be moved to the secure floor either willingly or at the behest of their medical team.
anon
In this case, it sounds like doing “the right thing” is not fair to you – it’s really hard, and the whole situation sucks. But… it’s still the right thing. This won’t last forever, and you know you’ve done other hard things in your life. Someday you’ll look back with some quiet pride/satisfaction that you didn’t give up.
Also dealing with elderly parents
Is the move out of assisted living something they could pull off on their own? It sounded as if they are asking YOU to help. I think you can just tell them you don’t support the idea and will not help them. As a sister “responsible one,” I think you will eventually feel guilty if you just cut them off. But you do say they’ve been awful your whole life — so maybe not!
Anonymous
fwiw, I don’t know anyone in assisted living who doesn’t complain constantly about the situation. I think it’s a combination of it being hard to give up living independently and sort of go in reverse in terms of maturity and ability to take care of yourself + old folks tending to complain more about everything + (in many cases) the beginnings of cognitive decline that prevents them from fully appreciating the rational reasons why assisted living is the best choice. I would just try hard to ignore them and reduce your contact if necessary, while still keeping them in the assisted living facility. I don’t really see the point in springing them free only to abandon them.
Anonymous
I’ve recommended this before, but I suggest a geriatric social worker. A) this is their ball game. B) they can assess parent’s ability to live independently (perhaps with aides/support); c) a good one can deal with elderly parents and leave you to enjoy your newly married life! At a minimum, they are social workers, so they help you keep your sanity in what can be a very trying time.
Bewitched
Oops, that was me.
MargaretO
Seconding this, a geriatric social worker was very helpful to my family in a situation with an elderly relative refusing help. There is probably someone on staff or someone can you can be referred to through the assisted living.
SA this sounds horrible, and I do think that you’re within your rights to put a limit on how much you are willing to help them. You can refuse to help them move out into a situation that is unsafe while also maintaining some boundaries with them. It doesn’t sound like they necessarily deserve your endless devotion, so do what you can without it interfering with your happiness in life, and that’s all. If they refuse your help and manage to leave assisted living and move out on there own (I would absolutely set a boundary here and not help with this process), that is their problem. If they won’t stop talking about it, hang up the phone or leave the room.
Meg Murry
I wonder if this is some kind of bid for attention, kind of like a child throwing a tantrum, because at least negative attention still being taken care of and fussed over? This might be a thing they do in order to get you or your siblings attention and get you to call them or come visit them.
I just searched to see if I could find one of the earlier conversations about this (looking for something I said), and I found that on 6/22/2015 you wrote that they had hatched a scheme to stop the sale on their house and move back on their own, only to then decide to go ahead with the sale after all with no fuss. So maybe if you just approach this with minimal drama they’ll get past it for another couple of months.
Also, I know I mentioned this before (what I was originally searching for) so I’ll say it again. I have a family member that works in the sales staff in this kind of facility, and they are *highly* invested in making sure their residents are happy and stay there, because 1) they generally like and care about older people in order to work there and 2) they are often heavily compensated on a commission or bonus that requires a certain occupancy rate – so residents moving out plus having to re-rent an empty unit = royal pain in the neck for them. If you call the sales team, I’m pretty sure one of them will go give your parents some extra attention (without mentioning that they heard they are thinking of moving out) and might be able to smooth things over for you.
If this is a bid for attention, calling or visiting them more frequently (but for shorter calls or visits) and ignoring the talk of moving out might do it. Basically, unfortunately, repeat your parenting skills. Pretend this is your toddler or teenager threatening to move out because OMG he hates you, and reinforce the good behavior while downplaying or ignoring the bad.
Meredith Grey
I don’t know the history and haven’t experienced any of this myself, but this jumps out to me given the detail of the timing for these large conversations have been while you’re away… Seems too deliberate to be a coincidence to me. Sorry you are going through this though, its sounds really difficult.
NOLA
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. My Dad’s mother had Alzheimer’s and there was a huge family battle when my Dad’s youngest brother let my grandmother con him into allowing her to go back home rather than to assisted living or a nursing facility. She ended up more like a prisoner in her own home with a caregiver. She thought that her home was like it was back in the 70s when she and my grandfather had an active social life. Finally, she was too much for one caregiver and the money was running out, so my uncle finally moved her to a nursing home, but by by then, she was too far gone to make friends or enjoy the social life and activities she would have had since the 90s. It was sad. My grandmother lived to be 99 1/2 with a pretty crappy quality of life. As a result, my Dad always told us that no matter what he might say at the time, that he wanted us to know then that if he needed to go into a nursing home, we should do it. Thankfully, we never had to make that choice.
Senior Attorney
Thanks, everybody! I just had lunch with Lovely Husband and he told me pretty much the same things you all are saying.
Meg Murry, OMG I had totally forgotten them trying to cancel the sale last year! Good grief. And good idea to call the sales people where they are for some extra attention. I think this is definitely related to my recent marriage, for sure. Too much attention on me, not enough on them.
I will look into the geriatric social worker thing. And I am definitely not going to help them with a move out of the facility where they are. I doubt they can pull it off, honestly, and if they do then I will deal with it at the time. I think that legally they are competent enough that I would not be able to get a conservatorship so I’m not inclined to go that route, but it’s sure hard to watch. They really are like teenagers with super bad judgment!
I offered assisted living in their town of choice but they have no interest in that because they want to turn back the clock to when they were able to live on their own. Gah. Sad…
Blonde Lawyer
My ailing grandmother, who passed at 103, threatened to call a taxi to go back home many times over the last 10 years of her life. She never actually did it. Letting her think she still had the power to do it was very important though. If possible, gently tell them you don’t think it’s a good idea but try to avoid the “I’m not going to let you do that” type of talk. My grandmother very much wanted to maintain as much autonomy as possible.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, I guess that’s the best thing. “Knock yourselves out but I’ll have no part of it!”
Carrie...
+1
Good advice.
Shopping
Why cut off contact? I can absolutely see that you would have zero interest in discussing forgotten meds or clogged toilets with them, but what about the concert they just went to or how pretty tonight’s sunset was?
My parents are ~15 years younger than yours, and are trying to decide where to spend their final years. They are snowbirds in a retirement area (Florida Gulf Coast) and absolutely love all the services available there. Not just house cleaners,’pool service,’and lawns, but a landscaper who comes regularly, good home repair specialists (to fix lanai screens or grills, for example) and the grocery stores carry lots of healthy foods that just require heating up or assembly, rather than cooking. There are many in-home healthcare options available there. (In theory, they could get that in my hometown, but there isn’t enough of a market for it to be a robust part of the economy).
Idk where your parents want to be. Would those kinds of services be available to them? It is clear that they have a very strong desire to be there. Who wants to give up that basic decision making power?’
They/you could also look into things like services to mail them their meds in packets, one per day, with all meds for that day in the sachet.
It is such a tough topic! I wish all of you all the best with it
Carrie...
Yes, this all sounds nice in theory, but I think you are coming from a very different place. You have never been a caregiver, yes?
Your parents fortunately do not have early dementia with recent multiple disabling hospitalizations, are they much much younger and not frail, and do not need around the clock assistance for safety and assistance with decision making. This is where the OP’s parents are. They can’t even think about how to go about moving “home”, just asking daughter to arrange it for them…… That alone is a red flag. I also suspect you have no idea how much work it is to keep someone in their home simply managing all of the services you mention, which is wonderful your parents can afford and had enough forethought to think about. Your parents sound like they are at a stage where they can do the managing of services and decision making alone. It does not sound like the OP’s parents could do this, which means NIGHTMARE for daughter.
Even simply finding a safe, accessible, affordable house in a community that offers all needed services and near family can be really challenging…. never mind staffing it with all the services you mention, plus transportation to all doctors appointments and rehab, monitoring of all medication administrations etc… And not all of the people you hire to do these services do them correctly, well or even honestly. They take advantage of you, sometimes steal from you etc.. and must be managed and checked on regularly. Just managing the doctor instructions, medical insurance, bill paying, house maintenance is a lot of work…. It can be a huge huge commitment of time and money by children etc… to assist with this for many aging parents, and not one a daughter newly married working in corporate law can manage without being pushed to the edge….
But I do agree with you and do not think the OP should cut off contact, although unfortunately clogged toilets and missed meds are the critical discussions you do need to have when parents live alone. Each of those can be a near emergency, as they would be for my father.
Sorry if that sounds a bit rough! I realize you mean well. But many on this board have no idea what they are in for…
Anonymous
I know this would be extra work on top of an existing burden, so it might not work, but what about hiring some private extra care for them – essentially a nanny, although I’d call him or her a chauffeur or assistant when dealing with your folks, and have them take our parents for outings a couple of times per week? Most towns have lots of free or affordable seniors programming where they can socialize and learn and have fun – check libraries and museums where programs are often included with annual memberships as well as seniors centres, cafes, and pools. If the programming is affordable the babysitter to take and accompany them (fetch them coffee, make them feel connected to the event like a host or facilitator) might be worth the hourly cost
Anonymous
Also, if you can get involved in thier medical care get them evaluated for interactions in thier meds, home remedies/vitamins, and diet – also Prozac ;)
Jdubs
Other than hiring an interior decorator or falling down the pinterest rabbit hole, how do you go about decorating a house? We recently (read: 4 months) moved into a beautifully renovated home and i have yet to hang a single thing on the wall. This is my first really “grown up” place and I want the decor to reflect that, but I don’t know where to start.
DH
Havenly. It is an interior decorator, but much more cost effective. We moved about a year ago and I did the living room immediately. They work with any budget and really listen to your opinions. The room we did is the best in the house and we just paid to decorate two more!
Anonymous
Do it slowly. Blank walls, especially ones that aren’t white, don’t look that bad if you have nice furniture in the room. Buy and hang one piece at a time and live with it for a few months, then if you still feel like the room isn’t complete, you can buy something else. Choose pieces that are meaningful to you. Think about what you want your home to look like – do you want a home that looks like a Pinterest-y, professionally staged home? Then you’re probably going to want to purchase professional art and leave the family photos for albums or small frames on the bookshelf. But lots of people love having tons of photos of their pets and kids on the walls. It really just depends on what your style is.
SD
Check out the blog Apartment Therapy. It is to decorating a home what Corporette is to figuring out your work wardrobe.
I decorated my apartment piecemeal via craigslist, street finds, and thrift stores. Took a long time and a lot of effort, but the end result is eclectic and filled with unique pieces, some of which I taught myself to refinish. Mattress and couch are the only big items I bought new.
Meredith Grey
I moved to my first house house 3 years ago and most of walls are still blank! I do love where it’s heading though…. It took me almost a year to buy a single piece of new furniture. I didn’t want to pay a decorator and pinterest scares the living bejeesus out of me. I started with function first- which rooms do we use the most that are the most dysfunctional with what’s currently in there? Then I started buying pieces that met each need, matching/coordinating each new addition with the previous. After 2-3 larger items, the room kind of took on its own personality/look so adding the truly decorative components (wall hangings, side table items, textiles) was way less overwhelming because it was pretty obvious what the room was lacking and what color schemes/styles I would need to look for.
I also recommend narrowing the search by price range/type of store you’d actually end up purchasing from. For example, it was really tempting to walk through a store like Ethan Allen or Pottery Barn to “get ideas,” but I always left feeling anxious and overwhelmed because I knew I couldn’t afford to have a house (or a room) look like a magazine spread. When I started searching exclusively on like costco.com, macy’s, tjmaxx I could see pieces that were in my budget and go from there. Also, all those stores have SUPER EASY return policies. This has been crucial because I’m 0% creative and often need to really see something in its place before I know it works.
Slow and steady wins the race!
CountC
Vent time: EFF you former coworker who I am now discovering cut lots of corners, didn’t get the approvals needed, and was just not really doing their job properly, because I am now having to clean up your mess, as well as do your work until a replacement is hired, in addition to my own work. SCREW YOU!
bridget
There’s another commenter here who can help you in a few hours… Shots. Shots. Shots.
Anon
We are in the same boat. Closed a deal yesterday and, prior to closing, had two emergencies arise that were the result of former co-worker screwing things up that threw wrenches in the deal, one of which only came to light yesterday. And it was a stupid, stupid mistake, but could have had a HUGE impact on things if not addressed/fixed. I am sincerely hoping that was the last of the mistakes that are going to come to light, but I guess we’ll see.
NYNY
I once had to take over a black box project that a corner-cutting colleague had managed with zero oversight when he was fired for a HIPAA violation. For months, I kept discovering landmines. I told people that if I ran into him on the street, I’d kill him, perform CPR, and kill him again. Still, I blame senior leadership for the zero oversight.
You have my sympathy.
PSA -- Levi's for pears
I ordered some of the curvy cut Levi’s from their website (skinny and boot cut) and they are fantastic! All other jeans (incl. ostensibly curvy ones) bind and hurt (and still need to be taken in at the waist). Stretchy material, but more jeans then jeggings.
FWIW, I am often a 4 or a 6 (most recetly 6 in BR). I am a 10 in Levi’s.
I am so happy — have not been happy in demin for years if not decades. Will probably order more and replace my existing jeans with these over the winter :)
[FWIW, I have tried the ON Pixie and the BR Sloan and neither worked for me at all.]
Meredith Grey
My pear booty and I THANK YOU
Anonymous
Yes — I hate denim b/c the seams often aggressively dig into me (in the most sensitive of areas, ugh). And they don’t stay up b/c the waist is both too low and too wide. Curvy cuts are often not curvy enough. And leggings are not always an appropriate alternative.
Sharon
Bless you for this rec.
DH
Any recommendations for eyeliner/mascara that won’t smudge? I have oily skin and my eyes are very sensitive. I am currently using IT brand, but it ends up on my cheeks by the time the afternoon rolls around…
anon
Paula’s Choice has a decent, inexpensive mascara that doesn’t bother my sensitive eyes. They’re Real! also generally works OK for me.
I like the Kat Von D tattoo liquid liner. Pencil and gel liners smudge on me.
S in Chicago
I love Benefit’s They’re Real mascara. It stays put. (I have to take it off with cold cream at night because regular face wash isn’t enough.)
Meredith Grey
Blink mascara stays put all day. Kinda weird washing it off bc apparently it’s a formula that makes a “tube” around your lash and you need to rub them off… As for eye liner, are you just wearing it straight on your eye lids? I find that if I put on some some concealer or eye lid primer, set with loose powder (or eye shadow), then apply mascara, I have way less running by the end of the day.
Muchacha
+1 Blinc. I started using it after it was mentioned here and I LOVE IT. No flaking, no smudges, no tugging, and easy removal.
MKB
+1 to Blinc from me as well. I just started using this a month or so ago, and I’ve been amazed by how great it is, for exactly the reasons Muchacha likes it.
mascot
Urban Decay eyelid primer and eyeliner. Tarte waterproof mascara.
Anonymous
I have really sensitive eyes and Dior Diorshow (the regular original one) works for me.
DC Anon
Same here. Diorshow mascara is seriously amazing. I’ve tried pretty much all the mascaras at Sephora and Diorshow is it for me.
Anonymous
Imju Fiberwig is my holy grail. Sephora used to sell it, but I think they no longer carry it and you must buy it on Amazon. For eyeliner, Bobbi Brown gel eyeliner is the best.
Emmen
I have horrifically sensitive eyes and oily lids, and I’ve actually had the most luck with a drugstore mascara: Almay Get Up and Grow. It never bugs me and it stays put. A close second for me is Clinique Lash Power (it doesn’t smudge or irritate, but I don’t love the way it washes off in a million little pieces).
Terry
I found a liquid eyeliner much less smudgy than a pencil.
Coach Laura
+1 I like Almay Intense I-color liquid liner. Has never smudged.
I have sensitive eyes and use Neutrogena’s lengthening mascara.
Anon8
Use a primer like Too Faced Shadow Insurance. For a great drugstore primer, try Milani. I find Revlon Colorstay liner to be pretty smudge proof.
DC Anon
I have relatively hooded eyelids that used to smudge my eyeliner all the time — and then I discovered Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eye Liner. It’s incredibly easy to apply, doesn’t smudge all day, and comes off easily with eye makeup remover wipes. Can’t recommend it enough.
Miss Hawaii
+1 on the stila, and also the MAC liquidlast liner.
I have the bobbibrown gel eye liner and it.does.not.stay.
marketingchic
Stila liquid eyeliner stays put so well it won’t even wash off (you need an oil-based remover.) Lately I’ve been using a dark Lancome shadow as eyeliner and it stays all day when the rest of my makeup seems to disappear.
Meg Murry
What are you wearing on your cheeks/undereyes? In addition to trying a mascara with better holding power, I’ve found that thoroughly powdering under my eyes (using an eyeshadow brush to apply loose powder) can make a huge difference. After all, waterproof or water resistant makeup is removed with oil, so if you have oily skin (or if you are using a moisturizing foundation or super creamy undereye concealer), your mascara will rub off because of the skin oil.
DH
I only wear bare minerals tinted moisturizer and mineral veil for my face. The only other products I use are nars blush and IT brand mascara and gel pencil eyeliner. I have a few eyelid primer samples but have never used them. Sounds like it’s time to add to my repertoire. I don’t use waterproof, so it sounds like I need to take it up a notch there, too!
Thanks for everyone’s input! Maybe Monday I won’t look so frazzled by COB.
J.J.
I have oily skin and sensitive eyes too. Clinique has always worked reasonably well for me without running.
Sloan Sabbith
I need a professional looking blanket (I know, I know). My office is /really/ f-ing cold. We’ve adjusted the air and tried to make it even a bit warmer. No dice. Can’t switch offices, and everyone’s offices are cold, so that won’t help. I generally run VERY cold, though, so I’m MISERABLE.
The office manager is trying to get me a non-fire-hazard panel space heater, but not sure when that’ll arrive. I’m wearing multiple layers every day and still frozen. Would like to put the blanket over my arms or legs. Business casual office; could probably bring in my Harry Potter blanket from when I was little with minimal s**t from the rest of my office, but I would like to be an actual adult.
Would prefer under $50, WARM, and a reasonable size for an office. I like microplush, but I realize that might not be possible with the professional-looking requirement. Amazon or in-store is fine. Target is also available. Nothing that’s heated- we’re in an old building and space heaters oversurged the building yesterday and our printer caught a dozen pieces of paper on fire. #nonprofit
Right now, I have a sweatshirt from my law school and it’s far from a professional look, especially when I leave my office.
Help!
Anonymous
Can you use a plug-in heating pad?
Sloan Sabbith
Nope. They don’t trust us to not burn down the building, which is probably a fair concern knowing some of my coworkers (I love them, but we all have a thousand things going on all the time).
Just so everyone knows: I also have a Madewell wool scarf in the office, and it’s very nice and very professional looking and very not helpful. I need something with some actual thickness to it, apparently.
Coach Laura
Sloan, I had similar problem in a building that didn’t allow space heaters but we were able to get approval for a heated foot rest (Fellows Climate Control Footrest on amazon) that isn’t really a heater. Maybe try that.
BabyAssociate
This was going to be my suggestion because it is what I’m doing right now!
BabyShark
I liked the Nap blankets from brookstone, just get in a neutral color:
http://www.brookstone.com/home-living/bedroom/nap-by-brookstone/nap-blankets/nap-throw-blanket/897535p.html
The throw is a good size to just cover your legs and isn’t super heavy but still keeps warm.
lawsuited
I have a couple of waterweave cashmere wraps from Talbots that I keep in my office to wear as scarves or place over my lap if I get cold. It’s definitely large enough to do the job, but reads as “item of clothing” rather than “item of bedding”.
Anonymous
I have a blanket that I fold and keep on my chair. I can wrap around my legs if I’m just sitting. Then I have a nicer fleece that I can wear over everything but a suit jacket. Finally, I have some uniqlo heat tech items that I wear as underlayers.
Talbots used to have boiled wool coats / shorter jackets. I think they’re outerwear, but they were office wear for me for a long time.
always cold
I use an old pashmina. It reads clothing rather than blanket, and the fabric looks nice. I wrap it around my legs.
Maddie Ross
It’s not under $50, but I cannot proclaim my love of Garnet Hill cashmere wraps enough. They are currently on sale for 20% off I think and they really do last a long time (I’ve had two for 4+ years now).
anon a mouse
You might also consider the Thermacare back heat wraps. You can wear them under your clothes and they stay hot for hours. They will at least keep your core warm.
Anonymous
I have an oversized wool shawl with a paisley and floral pattern on it. It’s really warm, and even though I use it like a blanket it doesn’t look like one.
Anon
https://m.uniqlo.com/us/product/186110.html
I love this one. I have a Mickey Mouse one from last season, but these ones are more adult looking.
CJ
Just go to Costco and buy one of their soft, warm, fleecy throw blankets. Lots of colors.
Bonnie
IN addition to the blanket, keep a pair of warm slippers at the office to wear while sitting at your desk. Would anyone notice if you were sitting on a heating pad?
KT
Not a blanket, but how about a microwaveable heat pad?
I have a ridiculous one that looks like a stuffed owl. I got it for cold nights when my feet won’t get warm, but when I worked in a freezing office, I would sit with it in my lap and it was amazing how much warmth it gave off. It would stay toasty for hours and I would reheat it for 30 seconds at lunch to get through the rest of the day.
I have this guy (it’s a Snowy Owl, c’mon!) http://ow.ly/kYyA304YW1b
If you are not a weird-child creature like me, maybe just a plain hot water bottle?
B.
To stay professional and warm I keep a cardigan and blazer at the office. It wont completely stop the frigidness but it’s definitely something you should consider rather than a sweatshirt.
Sloan Sabbith
I’ve got both, but the thickest sweaters I’ve got are my favorite thing to wear on the weekend. I take public transport, so I can’t take it back and forth each weekend. And I’m cold even in a blazer. Hrrmph.
Sloan Sabbith
Thanks for the advice, all! I mentioned it offhand to my grandma when we were at lunch today and she bought me a nice throw at Nordies. “Brushed Space Dye Throw Blanket,” in teal.
Jitterbug
I stopped by Party City on the way home this afternoon and picked up some Halloween decorations – a skeleton for my balcony, an a skull for my desk at work. I got to the cashier and she went “ohh, creepy . . .” in this very concered tone. Like, she wasn’t approving, she legitimately creeped out. By me, buying an extremely conventional Halloween decoration, in October, from a party store that sells Halloween decorations. She kept remarking how creepy my purchase was, and reminded me “we all look like that.”
I knew I should gone to Spirit Halloween . . . that store is just way more fun, but also way less convenient to get to.
Anyway, I get that you don’t need to love Halloween to work at Party City, since most of the merchandise is cute and Halloween merchandise is only out for a couple of months . . . but I was a little taken aback that she’d say that stuff out loud to a customer. Mind your own business, lady!
Anonymous
That’s a shame. I love the macabre decorations!
Add A Comment Here
“We all look like that.” What an odd thing to blurt out even in that context. She must not know about using inside voice. Clearly, in no way is her bizarre nature any reflection on you. Thanks for the laugh, though:)
SC
PSA, cross-posting with the moms’ site. For those of you who travel (or knows someone who travels) with kids, especially young kids, please check a hotel room–drawers, closet, under the bed, etc.–for dangerous objects when you check in. My parents recently checked into a hotel room and found a handgun in a drawer under the TV, low enough for any small child to grab it. They did not handle the gun, so they don’t know whether it was loaded or whether the safety was on. They called the front desk, who called the local police department. The police removed it from the hotel room and are checking whether it has been used in a crime, etc. This hotel is expensive, marketed to families, and has a no-guns-in-the-room policy (but, of course, the hotel can enforce the policy only by asking the person to leave, i.e., it’s not a criminal offense to break the policy). The whole thing freaked me out, and I kept thinking, “What if we had been there with our toddler instead?” He LOVES to open drawers and pull everything out, and I can easily see that happening while we handled all our luggage, setting up the pack-n-play, etc.
Anonymous
OMG this is terrifying. Thanks for the PSA.
Anonymous
My children are old enough to pull the trigger and young enough to have no sense if they were to suddenly discover a gun.
[If were were country hunting and fishing people, I’d think that they might actually absorb firearm safety over several years of exposure. But they are city slickers who watch too much Cartoon Network TV, so I have no hope that they would survive a random stumbling upon a gun.]
Blonde Lawyer
Very scary. I also look under the covers too because a family friend encountered a used condom once. GAG.
OfCounsel
I once looked under my bed and found a bottle of prescription pain medication in a non-child proof bottle. My daughter was 3. Now I ALWAYS look on the floor and in the drawers when we check in.
Not That Anne, The Other Anne
I just found a sock in one of my recent hotels.
The whole hotel was not what we’d call detail oriented, but someone else’s sock was pretty much the worst of it.
Too Much Paper
Any transactional attorneys around? I’m a junior associate at a Biglaw firm in a transactional practice area and I’m struggling with staying organized. At any given time I have between 2 and 7-ish active deals, each at a different stage in the deal. There is a huge amount of paperwork: drafts of documents that we/I am drafting, drafts of the other parties’ documents, execution copies, etc… My current system is basically to create a marked pile for each deal, and then as we turn drafts of documents or get a new checklist or whatever I add it to the top of the pile. The system isn’t terrible, in that I haven’t lost anything (yet). However, the pile system is making me feel disorganized, plus I don’t want to look disorganized to the partner. Creating files seems like a huge amount of work for documents that are constantly turning, plus I only have two file drawers and I’d probably fill them quickly and then need a new system again. Any suggestions? How do you keep all the paper organized?
BabyShark
What about Banker’s boxes for each deal? Or binders? I’m a litigator and we also have a ton of paperwork (mostly medical records) and we keep it in binders in sleeves if they’re originals.
Redwells are also a good option because while it’s still essentially a stack of paper, it’s self contained.
CorporateInCarhartt
I use redwells a lot, with labels on the end identifying the deal. They look much neater than piles, even if you have to line them up on the floor to conserve space. Try to have separate ones for drafts vs execution copies (or anything else you can separate out). Also, talk with your assistant and see if he/she has any suggestions, sometimes they have good ideas about managing docs or can come up with creative solutions. I also like BabyShark’s banker’s box idea. Binders can be hard for the kind of doc work that we do on deals, though, if it’s just turning and burning drafts.
Miss Hawaii
piles are unfotunately it for me (especially when it’s active, and you’re the junior collecting comments from various parties). I put all the comments for X document in a folder or on a pile on my desk, and all the folders for the one deal in a stack or redwell (doesn’t work as well for active deals).
I also use file folder organizers, so I can keep the folders organized (eg. purchase agreement, offering document,c calendar, basic org charts, opinions, sig pages being separate folders) but available.
THEN, at the end of the deal, I go through and shred anything I don’t need anymore, send original sig pages to records, etc.
Anonymous
I basically have the system you have, but with binders, which makes me feel more organized. 1 binder per transaction (or more, labeled by category of document). I keep everything material in the binder. As new versions come in or are sent out, I fwd them to my secretary who prints a 3 hole punch copy. I immediately put the new version in the binder, and then move the prior version into a file on my desk in case I need to reference those notes. I also keep notebook paper at the front where I take notes on all calls/etc.
Coach Laura
Not in law but also transactional with lots of drafted documents for closings, open lease negotiations, foreclosure actions. I use clear plastic file folder sleeves in various colors. That way, I can remember that Peter’s deal is in purple and Bob’s deal is in blue or whatever, and the right one is always at hand.
The most recent iteration of the document is on top, hopefully with a note stating “Waiting for borrower’s attorney’s comments” or “waiting for X to give comments” and a date.
Walnut
Not in law, but my organization system is generally boxes, binder clips, and sticky notes. I purge duplicates at each stage to make finding the key document fast and easy.
The ultimate key to keeping organized is to proactively archive closed deals as soon as possible. I tend to feel messiest when my old files still laying around months later.
Too Much Paper
Thank you, everyone! I appreciate your suggestions- you’ve given me a lot of inspiration. I can’t believe that I hadn’t thought of using redwells. I’m definitely going to implement them somehow. I also love the idea of sending the draft documents to my secretary after I send them out. Sometimes I remember to print them out on my own, but I know that I don’t do it every time.
MJ
Protip: Redwells with large-size redacting tape as the label for each deal/deal code name are the way to go. They are also super-great for when you just need to run out of the office and grab what you need for the night–throw in your big tote, and you’re golden.
I keep a list of missing/open items on a lined post-it on the outside of each redwell. All notes for each deal/call/meeting go at the front of the redwell. (I also keep a separate running to-do list that is overall.) I also do a lot of color-coding/flagging of items in Outlook, and if there is anything that is calendar based (an escrow release, earn-out, etc.), then I calendar in a reminder for a week or two before and then also for the actual day.
I also have my asst add everyone from deals to my Outlook contacts. It’s so helpful. Especially handy a year or two later when people come out of the woodwork, and you can’t quite recall which deal. It’s also great for networking and ahem, printing off, when you leave your firm.
If I am doing a large closing, I do a bankers’ box (or two or three or four) with hanging green folders (so much better than accordions, and more portable too). During the closing, the folders are in the order of the closing checklist. After the closing, I move the hanging folders to the order they should be in for a closing volume, and then get help scanning. I also always keep a copy for stray originals or duplicate signatures, because I cannot tell you how many times they come in handy later…Don’t throw anything away until the deal is really all done.
I am a huge fan of pdfing _everything_ at the end of the deal and versioning up on the system/making a bookmarked closing volume. I also go back on Filesite and mark documents as records (finalize them) if they really were the be-all end-all pdf memorializing the final document. You can train a good asst or paralegal (or junior) to help with the digitizing of closings if you make sure everything is organized and in order–if that person did not work on a deal, he or she might not notice something is amiss or is missing exhibits, etc. This may seem like overkill, but I cannot tell you how many times people are arguing about escrows or waterfall amounts later, and if I know what was the final-final, it save so much time.
cbackson
I keep whatever is the current active draft of a document in a colored folder that sits in the redweld (although that isn’t worth the time if docs are turning so quickly that you’re not printing things out.
anon
I had a job interview this morning. My recruiter encouraged me to write (email) thank-you notes, and I live in a southern city, so my gut is that it’s the right thing to do. When I write them, do I address my interviewers as Firstname or as Ms./Mr. Lastname? They introduced themselves as Firstname Lastname, but there was no other occasion for me to address them directly. They addressed each other by Firstname, but I don’t know if it would be overstepping for me to do so. Then again, it seems overly formal and somewhat juvenile to me to address people by Ms./ Mr.
Anon 2
Use first names.
Opal
First names.
Anonymous
I would use Mr./Ms. I’m in super-casual California but even here that level of formality is fine for a thank you note, and some people probably expect it, so I would guess it’s even more acceptable in the South. (Calling your coworkers Mr and Ms would come across as tone deaf, but while you’re still in the interviewing stage, it’s hard to be too formal.)
anon
First names. People are picky about their titles – for example, I think it shows a lack of attention to detail (and potentially some sexism) when I get a note addressed to “Mrs. X” when my (easily verifiable) title is Dr.
anon
(To be clear – I would be 100% fine with first name only, assuming we’ve met in person – but if you’re going to use a title, please get it right).
Anonymous
Oh I totally agree that if someone is Dr. that’s the correct title and Mr./Ms. is insulting (and has been discussed here before Mrs. is never appropriate in the workplace). Do your research and get the titles right. But I still think titles are safer when you’re interviewing. Granted, most of the people I interview are in their 20s or 30s and relatively early in their careers, but I’d say at least 80% of the thank you notes I receive are addressed to Ms. X (I’m in law in the Bay Area). I’d be fine with a candidate using my first name but I know stuffy old partners who wouldn’t be, and I don’t think anyone is offended by the correct title, at least in an initial note (if you say “Please call me Sue” and they keep saying “Dear Ms. Jones” it gets annoying, but in a first contact I don’t see how anyone who isn’t a Dr could be upset about Ms. Jones).
OP
Hmmm… there is no way for me to verify titles. They are listed as Firstname Lastname on the company website, and none of them are on LinkedIn or other professional website with their background listed. Three of the four are lawyers, and one is an administrator, so it’s unlikely but not impossible that any of them have professional credentials that would change their titles.
Personal Trainer
What would you consider to be reasonable (cost wise) for a 50 minute personal training session?
Senior Attorney
Depends on where you are. I pay $60 per hour in the Los Angeles area (friends and family rate, have been going to him for years) and think it’s a steal.
BeenThatGuy
I think anywhere from $75-$100 is reasonable.
It's just hair, but...
I just cut five inches off my hair today. It was long and luxurious (but took forever to dry and was getting a little age-inappropriate IMO) and is now collarbone length. It’s been long since the early 2000s, so this is fairly drastic, and I feel a little panicky. I think it looks good (?) but can anyone please make me feel better about this? I just keep telling myself it will grow back, it will grow back….
Senior Attorney
It probably looks fantastic and you will be SO HAPPY the first time you wash and dry it! Congratulations!
Anonymous
You look awesome!
I always say give yourself 2 weeks to decide if you hate your hair cut, or just miss your old one. If you hate it in 2 weeks, you can try a different cut (i.e. different layers or face framing or what have you).
January
Check long bobs on Pinterest – your hair is just about the right length for that, and it should give you some ideas of how to make it look good and trendy.
Dating at 35
So this morning’s comments on how dating sort of sucks and that men tend to ghost after a month or so made me wonder: how does dating progress when it’s part of a functional relationship? I’m just starting to date again at 35 after a very long relationship ended. That relationship wasn’t super functional, plus we met quite young, so I don’t want to use it for a reference. I’m aware that things will progress differently based on ages of the people involved, how busy they are and their other obligations, etc. But for those who started dating someone where it worked out (or is going well) after 30, what did it look like? How often did you see each other at the beginning and then once you became an established couple? How often did you text or talk on the phone? How long until you had ‘the talk”, said “I love you, meet each other’s parents, etc? Thanks!
Anonymous
For my friends who have had success, things seemed to move very quickly. My one friend who was determined to get married moved in with the guy after 6 months or so and got engaged after less than a year.
shamlet96
I’ve been in now-two serious relationships post-35 (fingers crossed the current one works out – so far so good) and things definitely move faster and with a greater level of seriousness. With my ex-fiancé, we met in November 2015, said I love you within about six weeks, and had met each other’s families within 2-3 months. We texted/talked every day up until we moved into together (around five months). We broke up shortly after getting engaged (right after the year mark, which is how long I think it should take at my age to know if someone will work out long term).
Current SO (of five months) followed a somewhat similar track – exchanged I love yous at around two months, met families within 3 months. We regularly spend time with his sister and niece. We live two hours apart and are already trying to figure out how to live in the same place, which should hopefully happen within the next six months. Things definitely go faster at this age – you know yourself better and what you are looking for/not looking for, IMO. That’s not to say you should rush things, just that the natural timeline seems to be accelerated. I dated people for 2-3 years in my 20s before breaking things off, but I’d never do that now. JMHO.
shamlet96
ugh, meant to say my ex-fiancé and I met in November 2014.
Anonymous
I’m glad to hear you say this…I exchanged I love yous with a guy after about 2-3 months and was worried it was too soon….all of my friends (who got married in their 20s mostly) seemed to move more slowly. But then I think about those couples of my grandparents’ generation who got engaged after three dates in the 50’s. Part of that was no doubt due to mores re: living together and pre-marital friskiness, but I also think you just know when you meet someone of similar values who you click with. I also think it was easier in the 50’s/60’s to meet someone of similar values/background/clickiness when you went to high school together in a town where you grew up.
Baconpancakes
I’m not a good example (friends for 9 years before dating) but my friends who married late 20’s/early 30’s tended to go pretty fast because they knew what they wanted in a partner by then, and if they thought they’d found it, great, and if not, they wouldn’t keep dating past one or two months.
I think it just gets more and more accelerated – at 63, my mother met my stepfather, he moved in a month later, they were married five months later.
Brunette Elle Woods
I’m single but my friend and his now wife probably moved in together after 6 months, engaged after 1 year, and married in less than 2 years. My other friend is moving in with her boyfriend after less than a year. I’m just starting to see someone who travels often for work, but we still text almost everyday. Dating is always stressful and confusing. There’s no right way. Do what works for you. Also, someone gave me great advice and said that you have time, but you don’t have time to waste.
Senior Attorney
I’d say there’s no real rule of thumb. Lovely Husband and I took it quite slowly. Dated for several months with nary a kiss beyond good-night at the doorstep. We both hate to talk on the phone, and he’s not much of a texter, so it wasn’t unusual to go a day or two or three with no contact, for a good long time. No L-word until a year in. Got engaged after about a year and a half.
But I do agree with Brunette Elle Woods about no time to waste. One of the main things that propelled us to the altar was the sudden death of a good friend.
Senior Attorney
Oh, and we’re very very old. VERY old — 50s (me) and 60s (him).
Scarlett
Agree with the “it generally goes faster” sentiment, but I’m not sure if that’s a function of age or opportunity these days (with the internet, dating is more of an available option). I’m personally an outlier – spent every day together as soon as we met, I love yous within a few weeks, engaged a month in, married 6 months after we met, and almost two years down the road still happy and in love. For me, it was meeting my 100%/when you know you know/ absolute perfect match. I don’t think that happens for most people & that you can have a really happy, wonderful relationship that isn’t the 100% what you’re looking for. However, I think those go more slowly as there’s more to work out. The age may factor in as we were both “fully cooked” – established in our careers, know where we want to live, have made decisions about kids already & really made all our big life decisions already in general. We were matched up both in life goals as well as temperament and the ephemeral/elusive attraction factor so it was a really easy decision to get married quickly. Everyone thought we were nuts (we eloped so they had to tongue-wag and talk behind our backs), but I’m happy and firmly believe you have to do what’s right for you.
anon lawyer
I think of “functional” relationships not as following a set timeframe or set amount of contact, but rather an emotionally mature relationship. That means no game playing, no expecting someone to magically intuit what the other wants, being willing to have the awkward or hard convos, etc. As others have said, every couple is different. My friend only saw her now-husband once a week when they started dating (mid-20s); they got engaged after a year or two dating. My bf and I saw each other almost everyday when we started dating (late-20s); been together 5 yrs and (happily) not engaged. Functional to me is respect, maturity, and honesty. Sometimes that means you get answers you don’t like or you discover a fundamental incompatibility, but it’s better to figure those out early on than years later and it’s harder to walk away. Best of luck in the dating game!!
anon lawyer
Sorry realized that you were asking for after 30 dating! For my post 30 friends who are dating, it all completely varies. Things like schedules, proximity of family members, proximity to each other, all affect timelines and frequency and types of contact. General consist theme is that people generally discuss big picture goals pretty early on (like interest in marriage or kids, etc) to weed out big deal breakers within first couple months.
Samantha
I bought some Calvin Klein jeggings at (of all places) Costco and they are the best weekend pants I’ve ever had. Stretchy but more cotton than thick denim, good for running and outdoor activity, and at the same time they look great. Almost getting threadbare now so I need another.
What is your favorite comfy jegging for a pear-shaped figure? Affordable/low-cost would be great.
Anonymous
Old Navy Rockstar jeans are very soft and stretchy, they’re basically jeggings.
KT
Hue has great jeggings
Goatsgoatsgoats
I have the same pair from Costco a few years ago, and they’re actually still selling the same style, if you’re not bored of the style yet
PSA - removing denim stains on light colored leather
I just had a freak out moment on my commute home when I discovered my new jeans had bled blue ink onto my new purse. GAH.
I had noticed dye transfer on my hands earlier but didn’t think about my purse :(
I washed my hands as soon as I got home with marseille liquid soap (body wash I’m using as hand soap since I happened to have it lying around) and noticed it lifted the blue ink off my hands and into the foam.
was googling and saw that someone tried that and it worked.
Just used it on the purse and the stains are completely gone. THANK GOODNESS.
this is why i can’t have nice things.
TRUMP oh my god
I mean … wow.
Debate on Sunday is going to be epic.
Anonymous
I hope and pray this is the final nail in the coffin of his campaign. Based on the reaction I’ve heard from my Republican friends, I think it is. Several friends who were not voting for voting third party have already declared they have to vote HRC now to stop him.
Anon
Sadly, I’m not sure it’s going to mean anything to his supporters. Maybe it’ll sway a few undecideds, but this is just the more vulgar version of stuff he says all the time. I also harbor no illusions that the rest of the men in politics are little angels who would never say or think such a thing, especially not in this age of p*rn-is-great culture.
Anonymous
I don’t think talking about women in a vulgar way is uncommon, but he really is talking about $exual assault when he says things like “I can’t stop just kissing women” and talks about “grabbing them by the p*ssy.” It sounds even worse on the video than in the transcripts. He just talking in such a leering tone of voice and it really sounds like he is describing conduct that is not welcome or consensual. I’m not saying it will spell doomsday for his campaign, because he has come back from widely condemned, absolutely horrific comments before (the attack on the Khan family comes to mind). But this is awfully close to the election and he’s already down in the polls, and this certainly isn’t going to help him bounce back. He had four months to come back from the attacks on the Khans, and even then only got about even in the polls, never took the lead. I do think Trump supporters – at least some of his public supporters who are privately unenthusiastic about him – are outraged. Paul Ryan said he was sickened by the comments and cancelled an event with him. So I do think this is affecting more than just undecided voters.
anon in SV
But this time instead of attacking a Muslim family, he’s attacking the property of a white man: a white married woman. I am incredibly sad to say that the difference between attacking “minorities” and attacking white women is that only one of them counts to some conservatives.
Maudie Atkinson
Yup. This.
And in that same spirit, as if his words themselves, and the culture and beliefs they illustrate, aren’t bad enough, I’m also frustrated by some of the discussion I see around this in the vein of “Think of your wives, your daughters, your sisters.” That sort of discussion makes women relevant because of their relationships with the men to whom the discussion is directed, not because they’re human beings worthy of respect and bodily autonomy for their own sake.
Anonymous Poser
Yes, THIS
Yup
Sadly, I agree. I’m super liberal and live in a liberal bubble with only one Facebook friend who has ever vocally supported Trump (and she’s been pretty quiet lately), so at times when I find Trump’s support particularly perplexing (like today), I like to seek out conservative news sources and read the comments that people post. I checked out Fox News a few minutes ago, for example, and in the comments his supporters aren’t swayed at all. Attacking him for his “words” is just more PC-nonsense, they say… plenty of men have said worse…not as bad is murdering 4 people (which is apparently what they think Hillary did in Libya)…she has a husband who has actually r*ped people and she covered it up. She’s going to open the borders and destroy America. We’re all going to die because of her failure to catch terrorists. And on and on and on. I think this MIGHT convince some undecided voters, and it MIGHT convince some of the selfish third party voters that they need to suck it up and vote HRC, but to his true blue supporters, it’s meaningless. Yes, GOP folks like Ryan are backing away from him, but they never really liked DJT in the first place, they only supported him because they were worried about offending their base. Also, and this is the saddest part, in our current r*pe culture climate, many people don’t even recognize this language as talking about assault (which obviously it is). I have liberal friends who are excited about this recent development, but I’m just sad.
Anonymous
I don’t think people who like Trump will care, but I think it will increase the number of Republicans who just stay home on election day. And Trump is loosing- he needs to win people over and this won’t do that.
Anonymous
Fingers crossed he doesn’t drop out. What if they sub in a sane republican? Better for HRC if she goes against this dumpster fire rather than having to campaign against a new better candidate in the last month.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t worry about it.
1. Trump can’t be ousted at this point, he has to drop out voluntarily. With his ego I really think that’s incredibly unlikely to happen.
2. Even if it does happen, ballots have already been printed with Trumps name. Pence won’t be on the ballot in most places so it would have to be a write-in/sticker campaign and while those have worked in state and local elections, its not going to work out in a national election.
3. Just because Trump withdraws doesn’t mean all of his supporters will vote Pence. You know there are die-hards who will still vote for Trump even if he’s officially out (especially if his name is on the ballot).
I think if this had happened in August and they’d had time to get Pence on the ballot and had a couple months to get all Trump supporters on board with Pence, we’d probably have President Pence. But it’s really almost too late now and in a week or two (remember that even if it happen it will take time to convince Trump to step aside), it will definitely be too late.
Anonymous
Trump also just said there’s “zero chance” he’s dropping out. I think Pence might drop out though which would be hilarious.
ITDS
+ 1000
Tired
I’m the poster from this morning who reported feeling tired despite getting 8 hours of sleep. I appreciate all your great suggestions, but wanted to note that I just got test results back and my TSH level is low. I’m not sure if it’s significant or not (apparently there’s a debate about changing the reference/normal range and if it did change, I would fall within the revised guidelines), but this is something I will definitely bring up with my doctor at my upcoming appointment. Thanks again everyone – I’ll be reading all the good advice again no matter what the doctor says!
KT
One thing to note that even if something is in the “normal range”, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good. What’s important is if the TSH levels are low for YOU. If you had blood work done last year and your score were X, but now it’s dropped, that’s reflective that something is up with your body and how it’s processing hormones and nutrients.
Said someone who was “normal” and untreated for years until a new doctor compared my bloodwork to my old tests and saw that my levels had dropped significantly, even though they were in the normal range. Once she noticed it and gave me supplements, I stopped feeling so darned tired all the time!
B.
The results for those tests indicate opposite, meaning if the readout is low it means you could have hyperthyroid. If it was a high number, it’d mean possible hypothyroid.
Newbie Associate
I passed the bar! I’ve stalked the hashtag for new lawyers in my state and have seen that everyone is suited for court (black/navy for the ladies). I am looking for a shell that is cute and has some personality to make myself look a little less dowdy in my suit. I am fairly petite and love the new navy suit I recently bought, but have a great black one too! Any recommendations?!
Goatsgoatsgoats
Congratulations!!! I love pairing jewel tones, especially green or purple, with navy.
Bonnie
Is Columbus, OH, worth a weekend visit? Going there for a wedding and trying to decide whether to tack on an extra day.
...
YES!!!! Tons to see and do there! Lots of parks and a great zoo if you like the outdoors, museums if you like the indoors, and amazing food! If you like shops and art, walk the Short North area, you can tour a chocolate factory called Anthony Thomas, eat at any Cameron Mitchell restaurant for yumminess, if you’re into sports, there’s the campus of Ohio State and the museum for Jack Nicklaus, there’s great shopping at Easton with outdoor areas and lots of fancy shops and unique boutiques, or you could drive 2 hrs north and hit up the best parts of Cleveland including the Metroparks, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the zoo/rainforest, and more!
Definitely worth adding a day… we did it and ended up coming back for a 10 day trip just to try to fit it all in!
Anonymous
Columbus seems like it would be a lovely place to live, but I don’t think there’s much to do there as a tourist, especially without kids. DH has family there so we visit a lot. The Franklin Park Consevatory and Ohio State campus are each worth an hour or two, but assuming you could fit that in on Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning, I wouldn’t add an extra day. I also am not a huge fan of the food scene and haven’t really found great restaurants there, despite many visits.
Anonymous
It’s a cute city – lots of good things to eat. If you have some extra time, I think an extra day would be enjoyable. Is it comparable to major cities? No way. But I’d happily eat and wander around for a day.
Anonymous
I am of the opinion that it is generally worth tacking on an extra day to any wedding/work trip to a new destination, so my default answer is yes. And Columbus is a cute city with plenty to do for a weekend.
If you enjoy zoos, Columbus zoo is fantastic. COSI (science museum) is also pretty cool, though probably best with kids. The Columbus Art museum is definitely worth a couple hours of your time. Whetstone Park of Roses is lovely in the summer as is Franklin Park conservatory year round. Downtown has been revitalized quite a bit over the past several years, so there are several parks to check out and lots of cute neighborhoods with shopping, galleries, etc.: Short North, German Village, Victorian Village. Ohio State has a nice campus, but look up what sports are on while you’re there. Football season can get a bit crazy (though super fun if you’re into it). Easton is a great outdoor mall; tons of restaurants, stores, movie theater, etc.
Columbus has a pretty good food scene. Second the suggestion to check out Cameron Mitchell’s restaurants (I especially like The Pearl in Short North). If you end up in German Village, Schmidt’s is an institution. North Market downtown is also fun – a big indoor market with lots of food stalls, plus a farmers market during the summer. If you like ice cream, Jeni’s and Graeters are both amazing.
If you are staying downtown and want to head somewhere like Easton, you should plan to rent a car or take Uber. Public transit is not great.
Shopping
People who posted concerns about relatives along the East coast: Have you heard from them yet? How are they doing?
SA
I just got my $13 Target Ona flats delivered and I love them! I got cognac, but I just ordered black and snakeskin. I’m between 7.5 and 8 so I got 8s and they are slightly snug.
They are still 20% off today with an extra 5% and free shipping with the Red Card
Thanks for the recommendation!
Anonymous
I saw the Levi’s curvy fit jeans recommendation above and was wondering if anyone has other jeans suggestions for a pear shape? I’m an 8 or 10 in Ann Taylor pants and skirts. I only own jeans from Kohls and would like something else.
Marie
I’m a pear shape and I’ve had good luck with Christopher Blue. Pricey, but often on sale on Amazon and 6pm. Kut from the Kloth often works, but their pants tend to stretch out so much that you can’t tell, when you buy them, whether they will still fit by the end of a day wearing them.